#(i say just once but hes got 8 years of abuse to repay so he can have as many punch tokens as he likes)

[shit-people-probably-didnt-say]

I needed a moment at the end of CK where Jan hits Wylan but to everyones surprise Wylan actually hits his father back and whispers ‘Im not a child anymore’ before hes dragged away

Its what Wylan deserves

[ash19871962]

Sisters

Warnings- Blood, Domestic Abuse, slight mention of suicide (not my choice criminal minds made the story for rosalyn)

Jennifer Jareau x OC Jareau

Having an older sister was sometimes a blessing and a curse. There was absolutely nothing you wouldn't do for her, after everything she had done for you. It annoyed you how quickly you guys would make up after a fight, but she was your best friend.

Both of your childhoods were incredibly different, having grown up in the same house but with totally different atmospheres. When you were two and JJ was 11, your 15 year old sister Rosalyn took her own life.

After that things changed in your house, you don't really remember it too much but Jj would tell you stories about that time. Especially at night when you were supposed to be sleeping, trying to remember a sister you don't actually remember is very difficult.

Of course you've seen pictures of all three of you but she is still a stranger to you. But to Jj it affects her deeply, Ros was her idol.

Sometimes in the back of your mind you wonder if Jj even likes you or is just using you to replace Ros. After all your 9 years younger than her? But she is still your big sister and you can't think of her like that for long.

It doesn't surprise you as you grew up that Jj is everywhere. Anything that happened she was there, when Ricky that snot nose kid from 1st grade punched you in the face, she spent hours in the garage showing you how to block your face.

At 14 years old she had much better things to do but she stayed with you. Cleaned your nose and made sure you didn't tell mom. Your mom was probably more of an absentee parent, like she was there in body but not in mind too much. Jj says Ros took a part of her, but sometimes you feel jipped.

Mom apparently used to laugh and smile, plan fun things for them all to do. But you can't remember any of this. You only remember Jj. She was the only one who looked after you, kept you safe it was almost like she was your mom at times, but you always remember her.

Remembering sharing a bed with her during storms, playing in makeup singing stupid songs, sharing secrets and just plain missing her.

She would be so disappointed if she could see you now. Not really having a choice anymore anyways, telling her is essential but your still scared what if your big sister can't help?

Shivering in the cool breeze taking into account your still bleeding a little you decide it's time to leave. Wiping the blood out of your face as best you can, the gash above your eye stings.

The fight you just had was nothing new, the bruises on you back would testify to that. Even through all this you still don't know how to even tell Jj.

It's not an easy conversation, she is either going to be so mad at you she won't speak to you or so over protective she's gonna kill him.

Your phone on your lap feels heavy, but the nerves in your stomach feel like a lead weight. Opening your messaging app you text her

Aj- Hey jayge Are you busy, can I call?

A couple minutes ago by and she texts you back

Jj- Abs! Hey hun yeah we're almost done with this case, give me a couple hours I'll text before we head to the airport ok? Love you💜

You don't want to be disappointed but you guess it'll have to do. Grabbing your phone making your way into the house stopping briefly to grab a couple changes of clothes and your memory box which has everything important in it including you birth certificate.

Making a split decision you also leave your phone but write down all the important numbers just in case. Knowing by the time Jj texts, you'll either be in the hospital or with her.

Nothing else in this house is important . Feeling like the worst thing possible is being stuck here, you leave and make your way home to Jj.

Getting behind the wheel planning to make such a long drive from Pennsylvania all the way to Quantico or at least as close as you can get.

First things first she needs a Dr, so she decides to take care of that first pulling out of the driveway and driving putting a hospital search in her GPS, locating one two towns over that she won't be recognized in she proceeds there.

Sitting in her car fiddling her humbs working up the courage to move. Finally making the decision you walk in and start a new life.

A nurse approaches you and escorts you to the back, answering questions left and right

Name Abigail Jaraeu

Age 20

What happened... Your not exactly sure how to answer this so you don't answer.

Getting changed into the stupid gown you realize how alone you are. Butterflies fly in your stomach making you almost nauseous.

The Dr, has a knowing look in his eye as he looks over your injuries, noticing more than you realize.

The gash above your eye takes 8 stitches, your nose is not broken but two black eyes are in your future, didn't even notice the split lip until the dr goes to stitch it 3 more there.

Feeling absolutely terrible it's not done, the rest of the body check shows more injuries none of them too serious just painful.

The broken wrist being the worst, mystified that you could drive all the way there without so much as a twinge of pain.

Apparently adrenaline is a real thing.

Shocked as the Dr starts applying the cast, absently shocked and numb to how you you must look.

You just want Jj.

To hug you, to hold your hand, to kiss your forehead, your scared and you want your big sister, but she is at work.

Surprisingly no broke ribs just jarred heavily, and of course the bruises, you are given a prescription for pain and instructions for the cast, and you sign yourself out against what they recommend but you know you are just ready to be with Jj.

The drive from this place to Jj is roughly 5 hours so you get started.

The phone you left at the house has to be found by now. Memories of the fight flash as your merge on the interstate, setting cruise control you let yourself relax.

The shoving, the broken mirror the outrage that you didn't do anything wrong. It made no sense to you, Johnny was supposed to be a good guy, but he ended up being the scariest thing you've ever encountered.

As your driving you remember Jj is on a case so no one is at her house. Your nephews would be with Wills Mom. Maybe you could stay there till they got back you had a key?

In this situation you didn't think she'd mind.

God you were scared, what If she yelled at you? If she did your pretty sure you would crumble.

Driving is incredibly hard with a cast but you have to make due, you have to get there. Once there everything will work out.

Feeling incredibly guilty now, you think should you even bother Jj? She literally has children what if Johnny came there?

You don't think he's that stupid but you never know. Jj would kill him.

Stopping to fill up with gas using most of the cash you have, you keep driving closer and closer to safety.

For probably the quietest drive your ever made in your life you finally make it to Jj's neighborhood.

Concerned now because it's 2 am and the street is completely deserted, you make up your mind to park farther down the road from her house just in case she's actually already home.

The upstairs light is on, and your basically a nervous wreck. All you want is her, but scared in how she's gonna react .

Slowly getting out of your car, you make your way to Jj's porch and knock softly.

Hearing the footsteps, turns the butterflies in your stomach turn to rocks.

Will opens the door angry someone knocked on the door at 2 am. The second he sees your face his jaw drops, and concern fills his eyes.

Your arms are grabbed into a hug, tears finally fall from your eyes as he calls for your sister to come down the stairs.

Obviously Jj took that offensively, as it's 2 am and she only just got home.

Upon seeing you stitched casted and crying in her husband's arms, all composure is gone.

The next couple of minutes are a blur, feeling yourself be transferred into her arms, sobbing uncontrollably, but strangely you feel better.

Her hands are on your cheeks, and her blue eyes are filled with anguish but at that moment you feel safer than you have in a long time.

"What happened to you Abs? I tried calling you and Johnny said you went to bed"

There is a lump in your throat "Johnny did this, all if this"..

Out of the corner of your eye you see Will leave the room, and in that moment you know, you have to tell her everything..

The story spills from your lips, how he stared out like a normal boyfriend, then he just got so angry at everything how the fights started and how this one ended, how scared you were but most of all how you just had to get to her.

Jj stares back speechless and incredibly livid, her baby sister her best friend was hurt, and came to her.

She pulls you into another hug and in that moment it didn't matter how you looked or were you came from, you were home.

Jj would fix everything, and you would never be able to repay her.

[koinoyokvn]

* / 𝐈 𝐍 𝐓 𝐑 𝐎 𝐃 𝐔 𝐂 𝐓 𝐈 𝐎 𝐍

* CODY CHRISTIAN, CISMALE + HE/HIM  | you know BRADLEY ‘BOOG’ RADWELL, right? they’re TWENTY-FOUR, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, SIX YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to INFRA-RED BY THREE DAYS GRACE like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole late night 'open’ signs flickering, a dirty car filled with empty coffee cups & a dopey smile with sleepy, drooping eyes thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is november 4, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

back at it again at krispy kreme — but here’s my second mad lad n after this i will start coming to everyone w my hands open for some plots n interactions <3

trigger warnings: child abuse tw & self-harm tw / omg forgot to add hospital n death tw too

* / 𝐁 𝐀 𝐒 𝐈 𝐂 𝐒

hair: dirty blonde

eyes: blue

build: broad & toned

height: 5′8″ or 173 cm

weight: 163 lbs or 74 kg

distinguishing features: a hand tattoo on his left hand of a sunset, a sleeve tattoo on his right forearm of a yellow and green dragon, a tattoo of a jorogumo (spider-woman) in front of a waterfall on his right shoulder blade, red and white chrysanthemums on his left calf, a light blue ‘x’ on his left collarbone, and dozens of uniquely designed band-aid tattoos splattered on his biceps and thighs

distinguishing style: hoodies and jeans for days, he’s a bit of a collector of ‘irving’ tourist merch, other than that, toques and plaid and chains with darker palettes

* / 𝐇 𝐈 𝐒 𝐓 𝐎 𝐑 𝐘

bradley was born in a small town in maine. at the time, everything he thought was normal for a child to endure. now that he’s older, he knows it isn’t. growing up, he was a trained liar. he doesn’t like lying now but can spit one out faster and smoother than he’d like to admit. his mother was naive and so young and his father was cruel and lived in the world only for himself. never a good combination.

there were a lot of times bradley would go to school with no food. he would always say he rushed out of the house and forgot because he slept in. his father spent all the grocery money to drink. bradley would fall asleep at school. he would always say it’s because he’s scared of the dark. he was actually scared of his father and would spend the night in his bedroom closet that could lock. bradley would cry and flinch at loud noises and the sound of glass crashing. he would say it’s because he’s just like a deer, easily scared. his father would throw things at him if he so much as stepped out of line (but bradley never knew what that line was). he would endure it all for his mother, who would sometimes come into his room, scoop him up in her arms when things calmed down, and sing to him. it’s these moments he’d remember fondly, the moments where she managed to keep some money for herself and get a good supper for the two.

it truly felt like it was him and his mother against the world. there were a few times where bradley would slip up, say something wrong at school, make an offhand comment about home to his friend, and child services would get involved. however, his father would clean up for these visits. his mother could’ve been an amazing movie actress, as well. bradley was also on his way there — but it was his mistake that they all pretended. he would always get punished for it later. 

sometimes the arguing would get too much. when he cried enough tears from inside the closet, he would run. run to his uncle’s house. he’d ask to stay for a few days. his uncle always said yes. but this would always spell trouble in the long run. his uncle was rowdy, always trying to get his sister out of such a terrible situation, and would butt his head whenever he got a chance. his uncle would often make the fighting worse. all bradley needed was a break, though, he promised.

he was almost finished high school. he took up odd jobs if he wasn’t in school so he didn’t pass with stellar grades or anything. some were even impressed that he managed to end up on the graduation list at all. he had saved up enough money, between him and his mother, to eventually leave his father. there was a light at the end of the tunnel. but, once again, the fighting became too much.

this time, he stayed at a friend’s house. he always had his money on him. he couldn’t trust the nooks and crannies of that house, his father would always worm his slimy fingers into them. he always blamed himself for not staying at his uncle’s that night... or even at home. because this time, the fighting really did become too much and things went too far. 

a frantic call from his uncle in the dead of the night sent bradley on a frenzy. his father had beaten his mother so badly that she was hospitalized. put into a coma with extensive head trauma. bradley left his friend’s on account of emergency but didn’t end up going to the hospital. no, no, no. it was the only time bradley could call himself his father’s son.

that same night, his father died in a car crash. the police ruled it as a collision involving drunk driving. though, there were damages that pointed towards another vehicle ramming into the car. there were no other vehicles on scene when they arrived and the road wasn’t monitored to pull up security footage. however, the only next of kin his father had was bradley and his mother. everything fell onto bradley.

his father, at least, had some funds stashed away in a bank account. it was enough to cover the funeral. but not enough to cover the hospital fees. and bradley felt like he was going insane existing in the house he grew up in. he was going insane just being in the same town he grew up in. everybody seemed to know his business.

so, like he and his mother promised, he ran away. his uncle is the only one who knows his whereabouts now and bradley made him promise not to tell anyone else. but, instead of taking the whole amount, bradley only took half of what he and his mother saved. he used the other half to go towards his mother’s hospital bills. 

bradley, now telling people to call him boog, drifted for a bit. picking up odd jobs for a week or two to feed himself. he needed to find a new home. he needed to be anywhere else but maine. now, he thought about the glamourous cities but felt like it didn’t suit him. eventually, he came to irving. and he liked it. so he stayed here.

boog is called boog because he was a bit of a snotty kid. he was constantly ill with the common cold, linked directly to his home situation. he often had sinus infections because of it. so, mean kids would often call him ‘booger’. eventually, booger became boog and it was just a part of him. he was a laidback individual and the nickname lost its insulting meaning by the time he reached high school but by then, most people called him by his surname. bradley feels too personal. 

boog works two jobs, as well as doing several odd jobs around the neighborhood he settled in. he stocks at the local grocery store, working 3pm to 11pm. he also works at a midnight diner, working from 12am to 8am. he gets some sleep for the morning, then gets right back to it. on his days off, he’s often seen mowing other people’s lawn, cleaning cars and houses, and doing small fix-it jobs around properties. he’s a busybody for sure. but not only does he have to support himself, he has to make sure the hospital bills for his mother are being paid. after all these years, it’s still him and his mother against the world. 

in the six years of being in irving, boog developed some nasty coping mechanisms. any time work became too overwhelming or he couldn’t make a payment and was faced with a late fee, bradley felt like a failure to the point where he would engage in self-harm. he was alone mostly, other than at work or out with his friends, so it was a lot of time to wrestle with this idea that he wouldn’t be enough to keep his mother alive. he would cut his biceps and thighs, places he could easily conceal his scars with t-shirts or shorts. he would cut at work in the men’s bathroom or cut in the closet of his bedroom. familiar places, places where he could hide. 

however, it got out of hand when he cut too deep on his thigh and it affected the way he walked. the visible limp raised concern from coworkers, friends, and neighbors. finally done with lying, he admitted to self-harm to those he trusted. his friends encouraged him to go to counselling and to reach out when he felt the urge.

it’s been a year since he’s last self-harmed. since then, he’s covered his scars with band-aid tattoos, each of them a design from someone he’s felt close enough to tell about his progress. there are still some to be covered, but he’s always mused there’s always friends to be made that could help him cover it up.

* / 𝐏 𝐄 𝐑 𝐒 𝐎 𝐍 𝐀 𝐋 𝐈 𝐓 𝐘

boog is hardworking and determined and doesn’t hesitate to push his limits. of course, this all comes to his physicality and his work ethic. he’s not all too bright, otherwise. he can’t contest life’s many questions, he’s too busy memorizing regular orders, the truck order for the next night, and what his friend’s favourite things are. he’s a very present individual, in that he can’t worry about the future or the past too much. and above all else, boog is kind. 

he never asks for anything in return for the deeds he does. he always repays a favour. and he always extends a helping hand. he thinks being a neighborly person is the pinnacle of humanity and does his best to emulate that. however, that makes for some clashes with his dull mind, as he can often be mistaken or say the wrong thing. his gold heart does make up for his lack of brightness.

boog has also learned patience. patience with the world, patience with himself. he didn’t get angry much before but when he did, it was pent up and built over years of being complacent. it was never a good thing to lose his temper. however, over the course of his regular counselling, he has learned to be more self-aware and express his frustrations in a healthy manner. his shoulders still bear a lot of burden but at least, he can learn to take off the load and rest for a while before putting it back on. 

* / 𝐂 𝐎 𝐍 𝐍 𝐄 𝐂 𝐓 𝐈 𝐎 𝐍 𝐒

band-aid crew — this person has designed a band-aid tattoo for boog. he reached out to this person during a time of recovery and trusted him with his journey thus far. this person could have been someone he met at work, through friends, or they live on the same block as him. boog counted and needs 27 band-aids to cover all his scars and is confident that he can get them all covered through others’ artwork. his uncle and nieces already made their mark, and boog designed one himself. ( 0/22 )

upstanding citizen — this person is the parental figure that boog never had and didn’t realize he needed until he befriended this person. they fuss over him and make sure he’s gotten enough sleep. they bring him coffee to work and invite him over for dinner. in return, boog does the same. he tries hard to cook for them— though he’s not great at it. he brings them gifts that reminded him of them. ( 0/1 )

intimacy buddies — boog is kind of pure in that he’s someone who wants to make sure people feel fulfilled. it first started off as a joke, that on the chance that they felt lonely, boog would be of service. however, boog’s pretty dependable and he hides no ulterior motive. so, he cuddles them for hours while watching movies, he holds their hands as they walk through the beach, and he sleeps with them when they can’t stand to sleep alone. he runs his hands through their hair upon request. however, they’re still friends and as thick as thieves. ( 0/3 )

amicable exes — it’s hard for boog to hold grudges. they come in white hot flashes of anger and they leave just as quickly. he’s learned to no longer stew in it. when this relationship falls apart, boog can admit his shortcomings and understand that they just weren’t meant for each other. that doesn’t stop boog from caring about them any less. they’re friends now and maybe friends was always the better option. ( 0/1 )

SPECIAL MENTIONS: as always, i fiend for all sorts of friendly and fwb connections! i also think a rival connection wld b interesting but we wld hav to lay some groundwork for sure!

[arcanelucario]

Hi, I’m Troy McClure ArcaneLucario and you may remember me from such fanfics as Linked Through And Throughout or Always or for some reason from A Second Chance. Or perhaps you know me from my Twitter or Instagram or I dunno...maybe even one of my YouTube accounts or Imgur or god knows where. Or maybe you don’t know me and just happened to stumble across this post in a drunken rampage across Tumblr when looking for art for one of your ships that actually makes sense as opposed to the absolutely terrible ones such as KacChako or KiriBaku or AruAni or whatever else which you see people for some rarted reason ship and try to cram down your throats. (oh boy I can smell the hate already...y’know...despite the anosmia)

Or maybe you remember me from this post from March of this year (2019 for you cucks from the future...or past) in which I claimed I was gonna write a text post detailing everything that’s gonna happen in His Warmth...and then didn’t.

Well,

And so, below the oncoming read more link thingy I will attempt to recall everything I have planned for this fic so far. And I guess this post not only works for you, but also works for me because I’ll have everything written down so I can check back here for reference. Anyway, spoilers ahead so this is your last chance to turn back should you wish to remain unspoiled for the day I finally get back to writing His Warmth. Oh and I’m not just doing this cuz I feel bad that some people said they wanted to see this and then I never got round to writing it.

Okay I lied, this is your last chance. Anyway, lets get to it. Welcome to the world of His Warmth.

So far in the fic there’s only 2 chapters: The first introducing us to the characters and the school they are attending, and the second starting off with a flashback and then back to current time, but you guys knew that already. Just for the record, at the start of chapter it says the flashback takes place 5 years prior, but I’m gonna change that to 8 years instead because the ages make more sense that way and also cuz I’m bad at maths and stuff. I’m also probably gonna change the ending of that chaper, cuz when I wrote it I kinda rushed the ending and regret ending it the way I did, but maybe I won’t. Who knows? Probably not, sounds like a lot of effort.

Now for shit you don’t know, whoooooo.

In the oncoming chapters, what I’m thinking is I’ll attempt to build a friendship between Annie and Mina as I intend on making them be best friends, (probably) re-instate the friendship between Annie, Reiner and Bertolt and then rekindle the friendship (and crush that Eren has) between Eren and Annie. I’ll try to do this in actually realistic way that is doable in a high school setting, and there’ll likely be a number of (small-ish) gestures from Eren towards Annie that reaffirms her of her feelings towards Eren, ones she hadn’t had since her younger years. These won’t be anything crazy, just stuff like perhaps a small gift or buying her something to eat when everyone’s hanging out in a group, or giving her a hand with something. I dunno...well actually that’s a lie, I sort of have an idea. At some point I’ll also have Annie start sparring with Eren again and teaching him her moves.

To be honest I don’t actually know how long all that is gonna go on for, but eventually we’re gonna come to the start of some conflict. One day Annie will come into school acting differently than before. She’ll be quieter, more tense than usual and have a sort of afraid energy about her, and she’ll be covering her face with her hood. She’ll approach Eren and order him to fight with her, which Eren will notice as unusual because usually she’ll ask to spar, not order to fight. Instead of talking with Eren, Annie will just lead him to their usual sparring spot, and they’ll begin their usual routine. Not long after though, Eren will notice that Annie’s attacks weren’t the same as they usually are, instead they’re switching between strong and precise hits with the intent to cause pain, and weak and sloppy ones that are nothing like her. At some point Annie’s hood will fall off, and Eren will realize the problem. Annie’s face will be revealed to be bruised and scarred, signs of abuse. That’s right, I’m making this one of those fics where Annie’s dad is the bad guy. At this revelation, Annie’s attacks will become more hectic and uncontrolled, meaning Eren can find an opening and stop her from fighting, which he will do. Eventually Eren will be able to capture Annie in a hold, and she’ll sort of calm down soon after. She’ll beg Eren not to ask what happened (though he’ll have a bit of an idea), and Eren will ask Annie what she’s gonna do next, and tell her if she wants to, she can crash at his (and Mikasa’s) house. For now, Annie will remain undecided but she’ll vaguely respond, and then follow Eren back to school...and then promptly disappear.

After all that, Annie will start skipping school, and to everyone’s knowledge she’s not been going home since that day, and on the days she does go to school she’ll avoid everyone. This’ll lead to Eren, Reiner, Bert and Mina following her after school, trying to figure out where she’s been staying. Turns out, she’s been hiding out on the streets because she had been afraid, and didn’t know what to do or where to turn, who to trust. Reiner, Bert and Mina will all try to offer her their help but Annie won’t make any decision. After they leave, Eren will once again offer a place at his house, and they’ll discuss hypotheticals which Eren will figure out aren’t actually hypotheticals. Annie will tell Eren she’ll think about it, but for now to let her be, which he’ll do.

The next day at the end of school, Annie will finally approach Eren again and ask if his offer is still open, and that she accepts it. So Eren will go with her to the place she’d been staying the past few days, get her things and then take her to his house. And this will be the start of a whole new chunk of the story. Having Eren and Annie live together will be a very interesting dynamic to write about, and I’m honestly excited for when I get to do this. At first, it’ll be awkward for the both of them but over time they’ll get used to it, and it’ll be sort of like a couple who had been living together for a long time.

Anyway, in this first day of Annie staying with Eren, there will be some awkward stuff between them, and the two of them won’t exactly get along but Annie will learn to get along with Eren and throw him a bone. After all, he is helping her in her time of need. Oh and something will happen that will lead to Eren and Annie sharing a bed. Also, along with this chapter there’ll be a flashback to a time in their childhood where Eren had stayed the night at the Leonhart household. 

Now in these chapters we’ll have lots of fun stuff, and there’ll come a moment where Annie realizes she does actually have a full on crush on Eren, but that now isn’t the time for her to act on her feelings and that things could become weird otherwise. There’ll also be a chapter that involves Historia, Ymir and jealousy. Not gonna say anything more on that part. Unless you want me to?

Next up we’ll come to a Christmas chapter, where Eren and Mikasa will go stay with Grisha for Christmas, and Eren will invite Annie to come along, who will reluctantly agree after a bit of convincing, initially not feeling that she should attend another family’s Christmas. This is gonna be a pretty sweet chapter in my opinion, and if I remember correctly I believe I have at one point ages ago talked about a little bit of it in the EreAnnie Discord. Anyway, in this chapter Eren is gonna give Annie a present, one that is gonna mean a massive amount to Annie, causing her to temporarily have a strong emotional reaction and have to take a step outside. Eren will follow her shortly after, and will notice something about her, and in this moment the two of them will realize that they don’t just have crushes on each other, but are actually in love...though neither will actually admit it (or actually maybe Annie will have realised this in a previous chapter, I can’t actually remember atm). But in an attempt to cheer Annie up, Eren will get in a snowball fight with her, and this will work, and will lead to a moment where Annie considers kissing Eren, but at the last second decides not to. After this, they’ll head inside and Annie will take part in the first of many annual Yeager Christmas photos where they wear silly sweaters.

The next chapter or two will likely be something fillery (or maybe not and I’ll just skip ahead to the next thing) and then we’ll come to a valentine’s day chapter, where for the whole time Annie is wondering if Eren has got her anything, and if so, what? At the end of the chapter Annie will force Eren to reveal what he’s done, and it’ll turn out that he hasn’t actually got her anything, knowing that Annie wouldn’t have actually wanted anything, and also that it would be weird since they aren’t dating. Because of this, and also to repay him for everything else he’s done, Annie will make a surprise move and will out of nowhere kiss Eren on the cheek, but close enough to the point where their lips will slightly touch. This’ll of course freak Eren out, but he’ll calm himself down quick enough. And no, this doesn’t mean they’re dating, that’s still a bit off. Also, along with this chapter will be another flashback, one that takes place before the previous flashback.

After this I believe it takes us to a pretty big time-skip, and we’ll come to summer vacation (I guess)? So there’ll be a plan for a beach trip with everyone, and so one chapter will focus on insecurities that Annie has about herself and her body (which will involve a brief flashback), and so Eren will have to help Annie regain her confidence...and he’ll sort of accidentally peep on her when she’s trying on her bikini or whatever. And then the next chapter is the actual beach episode chapter, which may or may not involve a reference to a Brian Hyland song. This chapter will also involve a small fight between Eren and Annie, and then a disaster will strike. Not gonna say what, but just know it’s gonna be pretty god damn big, like tears will be shed (in the fic, of course). This will lead to Eren and Annie leaving the beach early, and everyone else agreeing that Eren and Annie need to admit their feelings and get together, and fast.

The next chapter will be about the aftermath of the beach trip, and might possibly create some tension. There will also be a reference to a Barenaked Ladies song. Anyway, after a few days, Eren and Annie’s friends will have thought of a plan to get the two dorks to admit their feelings, so it’ll go along the lines of something like Mina talking to Annie about whatever, and then she’ll bring up stuff about Eren and talk about Annie’s crush on him, and nag her to the point that Annie accidentally has an outburst where she admits that she’s in love with Eren. And at the same time that this is happening, Mikasa and Armin will have just happened to have brought Eren to the same place where Mina brought Annie, and Eren will overhear Annie’s confession. He’ll want to go to her and talk about it, but Mikasa and Armin will convince him to leave it till later, when they’re alone. And so, that night before they go to bed, Eren will ask Annie to wait up, and he’ll hint at the fact he overheard her confession and will cause Annie to start shouting at him. At first it’ll seem like she’s angry at him, but Eren will quickly realize that it’s not anger, it’s her passion and feelings coming out, that this is just because she loves him, and that he loves her back. One thing will lead to another and Eren will confess to Annie and interrupt her with a kiss, and then they’ll end up doing adult stuff and having sex...or doing taxes...I’m not really sure what happens in there, never really paid much attention in sex-ed.

ANYWAY, after all that lovely jubbly stuff, the two lil fukin dorks will fall asleep in each other’s embrace, content at their newfound relationship status. The next day they’ll officially start their relationship together, and will enjoy the stage of their relationship which I believe is referred to as “the bubble”, at least according to Parks & Rec. From then on we’ll have a bunch of adorable moments between them, and they’ll be much happier.together, which everyone will notice.

We’ll then maybe get a bit of filler, or perhaps I’ll skip time again, and something will happen in our lovebirds relationship, and I mean something big. Annie’s dad would have secretly started trying to reach out to Annie again, but this isn’t something Annie has revealed to Eren, creating distance between them. Eren’s protective instincts will sort of take over him, and he’ll accidentally get mad at Annie, saying she should have told him. They’ll fight, and Annie will freak out and attack Eren (causing either bleeding or a black eye, probably a black eye) which she’ll feel guilty about, but before either can properly react, she’ll grab whatever of her things she can and run back home to her dad.

Now broken up, there will be a lot of distance and tension in Eren and Annie’s friendship, and Mikasa will start to get real protective of Eren and will kinda dislike Annie. Eren will be depressed as hell, and I’ll have a little segment where Levi (one of the teachers at the school) will question what’s going on, at which point Petra (his wife and the school counselor) will walk in and tell him. I’m actually considering having Petra be a counselor for a few students throughout the fic, but I’m undecided on that as of now.

Anyway, for a lil bit we’ll have all this go on, and we’ll have a chapter detailing Annie’s perspective after all this, which will involve her back at her dads, but things will take a dark turn again, and Mr Leonhart will once again hit Annie, at which point she’ll finally hit back and break his leg (or something like that), but then she’ll run away from home. At first she’ll run to stay with Reiner and Bert, but her dad knows where they live and will find her there so she’ll run again. I might have Annie stay on the streets for a couple more days, but all I know is she’ll think about her options, and that the only thing she can do is go back to Eren.

So, that will happen. Annie will run back to Eren’s house, and on the way will run into him. She’ll start to trip over her words, and will panic and try to run away, but Eren will catch her and bring her inside. I’m not saying he’ll instantly forgive her, but he will realize that she’s scared and alone and needs to have someone there for her, and that someone has to be him. We’ll have some sweet moments, reminiscent of earlier moments from the story, and I can’t think of the words to describe it but...it’ll be pleasant. Eren will tend to Annie’s needs, and will help her understand that he’ll always be there for her, even if they aren’t together. Eventually, Annie will get super drowsy, and so Eren will carry her to his room where he’ll put her to bed, but before he can leave, Annie will beg him to stay with her and sleep in the same bed again. At first Eren will turn it down, but then will now realize the true nature of his relationship with Annie, and the true nature behind everything that has happened. This isn’t everyone else’s regular relationship, it’s their’s, and it’s so much bigger than what he previously thought. So, Eren will do what she asked, and lay with her once more.

The next morning, Eren will wake to Annie staring at him, and will notice that she looks exhausted. It turns out that she spent most of the night looking at and holding onto Eren, making sure he wouldn’t leave her side. Eren will try to reason with her, letting Annie know he’d never leave her side, and then he’ll excuse himself, making a decision that will be for the best for both of them. This decision has him making a call to his dad, asking if he and Annie can come stay with him for a few days, and stating that it’s finally time for him and Annie to reveal what’s going on, why Annie has been living with Eren. Grisha will accept, and then Eren will return to bed with Annie, telling her about the plan, and telling her to go back to sleep before they leave. Later that day they’ll start their journey, and Eren will talk to Annie about their relationship and where they stand, and will talk about problems that everyone has in their relationships, whether it be romantic relationships or that of father and son, which kind of cheers Annie up and helps her see what she couldn’t before.

They’ll arrive at Grisha’s, and they’ll reveal the whole truth, leading to Grisha helping Annie with her situation and Mr Leonhart being put away for his crimes. I’ll then have something surprising happen between Eren and Annie (not gonna say what), and eventually Mikasa and Jean will come to Grisha’s as well, helping out however they can. And that will be the final proper chapter of the story, before the epilogue, that is.

AND THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is His Warmth. Or rather, like 90% of it. I’ve actually still left some stuff out, and may still come up with more things for it. But yeah, that is more or less my vision for this story, my masterpiece. Not sure when I’ll actually get back to writing it, but maybe this will be motivation to do so. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my crazy rambling, and I hope you’ll enjoy the finished product, cuz I know I sure as hell will. Please feel free to let me know what you think.

[nodaisieswithoutrainsies]

Need Help With Mental Health and Getting out of an Abusive Situation

Okay so here’s my deal. My mom has abused me (mostly mentally, emotionally, and financially, but there’s been a decent amount of physical abuse too) since I was about 12 years old. I’m 21 now. I went away to college for a few years but due to some unforeseen circumstances I’ve had to move back home until Fall 2020. It’s just me and my mom. We don’t talk to extended family, I don’t have a father or siblings.

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, Bipoar Depression, and GAD. When I was 18, ADHD was officially added in, and within the past month I’ve accepted my ASD diagnosis. I’ve been fully medicated for the past 7.5 year’s, and in outpatient therapy with the same wonderful therapist for that entire time. When I was 15 I voluntarily (it was my idea) put myself into a partial program for a month for suicidal ideation and depression and self harm. When I was 16 almost 17 I voluntarily (again, my idea) took myself to the ER to go into inpatient therapy in psychology ward at New York Presbyterian, but was only there for a week because the counsellors there all came to the agreement that I was in better shape than I knew and released me, but with a binder of coping mechanisms and into the care of that same therapist I still have. At this point in my life, I’m very self aware, I can take care of myself and my mental healthy by myself, and I’m extremely proud of the progress I’ve made to better myself as a person and take care of my mental health. My friends, my therapist, my boyfriend of 5 years (best friend of 8), and my godmother all agree and praise me for my progress.

My mother, as I said, has abused me. Getting worse and worse over the years (as I contrarily got better). When she’s in a good mood, she dotes on me and does everything for me and lavishly spends money on me and pines for my attention. None of which I ask her to do because.... When she’s in a bad mood, whether or not because of me (when the only reason it’s “because of me” is when I’m not feeling great and liked to be alone) she takes it out on me. Hits me, curses at me, threatens me, berates me, tells me I’ve made no progress and I’m crazy, that she’s a perfect mother, that nothing is wrong with her, she attacks me with specific hurtful insults (“that’s why he doesn’t really love you!”), and holds all of her good mood antics over my head. She’s called the police on me >10 times since I was 14. They always take me for an evaluation, I’m always let go saying the cops are crazy. This past Friday, she threatened and tried to kill me. Then lost her mind rocking back and forth on her knees. So I called and ambulance. Ended up in her freaking out and calling the cops on ME for originally trying to de-escalate what did in fact turn out to be a hostile situation. I got released, but not without all the nurses and paramedics tending to me, as well as the crisis counsellor setting me free, all giving me some support saying they believed me, giving me numbers of support places in the area to help adult abuse victims.

My therapist has a lot of interaction with my mom, as she gives out her cell phone, comes to my graduation parties, has had sessions with me and my mom, and has had us to her house before. Plus my mother frequently texts her and emails her insanities and false stories, accusations, and ramblings about me. So at this point, my therapist has diagnosed my mother with Narcossistic Personality Disorder, as well as Borderline Peraonality Disorder. My mom has briefly (~6 weeks) gone to another therapist, but that was years ago. She constantly denies she has mental health issues besides her depression (which she deals with by drinking excessively, self harming, and attacking me). She denies that therapy works (yet says it does for me). She’s manipulative of the people around her- spewing lies to police officers even when I’m calm, open about my bipolar/therapy/medication, and looking for help, spewing lies to her friends who never interaction with me so they don’t know anything except that apparently I’m the problem, and spewing lies to her sister, my aunt, the only family we talk to still, and her best friend/former girlfriend/my other parent of over 35 years. No one believes me except my therapist and friends and boyfriend. No cops, not people who “love me”, and obviously not her. She frequently tries to get me arrested or admitted to a hospital involuntarily. She has ~$16k of my money in her account that she keeps procrastinating giving me.

I recently opened my own bank accounts not attached to hers. I work, I go to school. I’m an aspiring Marine Geologist and I’d like to get my Masters and PhD. When I hopefully graduate May 2021, I will move to California to go to graduate school and make my own life. Away from her, never to speak to her again.

I don’t have much money, even once she does actually give me the money from her account. To finish my BS I need a total of ~$23k. My saved money was for school, not living expenses or car insurance or groceries etc. Hence why I moved home while I completed some prerequisites around where I live. I will move out if I absolutely have to, by my 4 cats are here, two of which are senile and sick. I don’t love my mom. I can’t at this point. I have PTSD or the similar diagnosis from the trauma and abuse. I keep denying family therapy because I’m not sure it’ll work if she doesn’t accent any responsibility or open her mind to realise IM not the problem. I have a car, which is not under my name and while I could switch it I can’t afford car insurance. I have my own furniture and stuff to furnish a place that I will be allowed to take with me when I leave.

At this point, family therapy is necessary to entertain her until I leave. I’m looking for advice, resources, anything any of you can give me to help me handle this and make my life good and achieve my ambitions. I’m a generally pretty happy person; I like to read, write poetry/prose/short stories/songs, go hiking and enjoy nature, hang with my friends, make new ones, love animals, volunteer at the humane society, act, sing, improv, be in theatre, sew, and give advice and love to my friends who need it. I’m an advocate for sexual assault victims (twice in my life), mental health, animals, climate change, women, LGBTQ+ community (bisexual and genderqueer!), and eventually for abuse victims once I get out of here. (And by this I mean I actively take strides to advocate for these causes, joining clubs and marches etc, not just saying that because I experience some of them). I’m not a bad person, I don’t think. I try my hardest to always improve, and I wish I was dealt a better hand (don’t we all?). I’m not asking for money, I could never. I’m asking for advice and resources and a community. Anything yall got for me I’d appreciate more than anything. Thank you for listening/reading, I know it was a lot. If you got this far or offer help, I’ll hit you up with a follow even though that won’t be enough to repay your kindness. Ugh sorry that sounded textbook. Idk. But thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and advice.

-Jessica (I’m from downstate NY by the way)

[daydream-hobii]

Roses & Thorns | Chapter 8

Genre: Hybrid!AU, fluff, angst

Pairing: Hybrid!OT7 x Female!Reader | Alpaca!Seokjin, Panther!Yoongi, Fox!Hoseok, Wolf!Namjoon, Bear!Jimin, Tiger!Taehyung, Bunny!Jungkook

Summary: Y/N is a rehabilitator of hybrids who have been abused or being sold for auction. It’s an illegal thing to do, but she feels strongly that this is the right thing. For many years, she has saved hundreds of hybrids who have needed her help, even for her young age, and six of them decided to stay with her. Namjoon, who was the second saved, initiated an intimate relationship, which Taehyung, who was the first saved, wanted in on. Over time, some of the hybrids that came after the two wanted to join in on the relationship. Now, Y/N has saved a very rare fox hybrid named Hoseok, who is very curious and even more broken. He has the choice to stay with these people and maybe join their relationship or move on to a rehabilitated district where he can have a life of his own. What will he choose?

Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicide & Mental Illness! Read with Caution <3 | Suggestions of Smut? (I’m not good at writing smut, so it’s just implied… ^_^)

Word Count: 1,375

 Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12 // Chapter 13 // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 // Chapter 16 // Chapter 17 // Chapter 18 // Chapter 19 // Chapter 20 [FINAL] //

Author’s Note: Welcome to Chapter 8! Please let me know what you think of this chapter, I love getting feedback! I hope you enjoyed it!!! ^_^ 

           We sat around the living room, the boys getting to know Han. Taehyung and Jungkook took a particular liking to him, probably because they weren’t the youngest now. They all chatted up a storm, and Namjoon and Yoongi even apologized. 

            I looked at Han, trying to see how his wounds were. He was shot a couple of times, and there were bandages covering every wound on his body. This poor guy, he was still so young. He didn’t deserve what was given to him. 

            The doorbell rang, and I got up, running over. I looked through the peep hole and saw a girl with about eight other hybrids surrounding her. I opened it, and the next thing I knew, I was engulfed in a hug.

            “Thank you for helping him, thank you so much,” She cried, making me hug back and smile.

            “It’s the best thing I could do,” I replied, pulling away and smiling. “He’s banged up, but he’ll live. Jin made sure of it.”

            I took a look behind and noticed the hybrids. My eyes landed on a Wolf and Fox hybrid, and my heart sank as my eyes widened a bit. She looked at where I was looking, and looked back, eyes just as wide.

            “You have a wolf?” She whispered, making me nod.

            “And a fox,” I replied, staring at her. 

            “Foxes are so rare, how?” She asked.

            “We rescued him yesterday,” I said, making her groan.

            “Boys, you may want to stay here,” Emily said, but they ignored her, the lion hybrid walking past and into the house. Once they reached the living room, I heard a low growl, making me push past the all. Namjoon was standing, staring the other wolf down. I clung to him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

            “Joonie, don’t,” I said, squeezing his tense body.

            “Changbin, back off,” I heard Emily say. The other wolf was calm, even a little fearful. He stood his ground, eyeing the Alpha. 

            “Namjoon,” I warned, pulling away and grabbing his face to look at me. His facial features softened, and he stopped growling. “It’s okay. You’re in charge here, they get that. They’re guests, I’m sure they understand that. Calm down and go sit with Jin.” He huffed, giving one last glare to Changbin, walking and sitting next to Jin.

            I looked at Emily, giving an apologetic smile. I turned to Hoseok, a bit more fearful of him. I trusted him, but he was still new, and I had no idea how he’d react with another fox hybrid. The other one was young and hiding behind the lion. Hoseok seemed curious about him, but his body was tense.

            I got distracted by Han running past me, hugging Emily tight, making me smile. Emily was crying and trying not to hurt him. I went and sat in between Yoongi and Hoseok. Yoongi put his arm around me, kissing the side of my head.

            “You did good, Y/N,” He said, making me smile softly.

            “I can’t thank you all enough,” Emily said, wiping her tears. “Oh, how rude of me, let me introduce my boys. This is Chan, the lion hybrid. Then we have Hyunjin, a Red Panda, Minho, whose a cheetah, Felix the koala, Seungmin the stag, Jeongin the fox, Changbin the Wolf, and Woojin the bear.”

            Jimin stood up, wide eyed as Woojin smiled at me. I was surprised at Jimin’s sudden courage. He was always so nervous around new comers, he’d stick by Yoongi or Jungkook. He walked over to Woojin, smiling big and sniffing. Woojin did the same, smiling at the boy. They hugged, and I couldn’t help but smile bigger.

            “Brother,” Woojin said, high fiving him. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen another Bear.”

            “Me too,” He replied, laughing.

            “Well, that’s Jimin, my bear,” I said, smiling at him. “Namjoon the wolf, Jin the alpaca, Yoongi the panther, Hoseok the fox, Taehyung the tiger, Jungkook the bunny, and I’m Y/N.”

            “It’s a pleasure, Y/N,” She said, smiling. “You’re a rescuer, like me.”

            “You are?” Yoongi asked, surprised.

            “Mhmm, it’s why I have so many hybrids. Y/N and I gave the codes through the phone,” She replied, nodding. “I live like ten miles up the road. If anything ever goes south, come there. I think our lands connect.”

            “That’s perfect, the same goes for you,” I said, standing and shaking her hand.

            “Thank you for saving Jisung,” Chan said, smiling softly at me.

            “I couldn’t just let him die,” I replied, nodding and looking at Han, whose arms went around me in a hug.

            “I can never repay you,” He said, making me laugh.

            “There’s no need,” I replied, pinching softly under his chin when we pulled away. “Now, go home, rest. We’ll see each other again, I’m sure.”

            “Thank you, again,” Emily said, hugging me.

            After they left, the house was quiet. My bullet wound hurt like hell, and I was lying outside, staring at the night sky. It was late, and I knew the boys had gone to sleep. I heard a small cough and looked to see Jimin. He seemed bashful, making me squint my eyes at him.

            “May I join you?” He asked, making me nod and look back up. Instead of sitting on the opposite couch, he sat in front of me on the floor, grabbing my hand and looking up at the stars.

            “That was brave of you today, Jimin,” I said, not looking at him. “I’ve never seen you do that.”

            “Well, he was like me,” He replied, and I could tell he was smiling. “I can be brave, sometimes.”

            “I know you can,” I said, sitting up and looking at him. He sat on the couch next to me, never letting go of my hand. “It was nice to see you like that.”

            “Well, I feel like it’s time to become brave. I’ve been sinking into myself a lot with my past,” He said, but I cut him off.

            “And you’re allowed to, Jiminie,” I said, placing my hand on his cheek. “You went through something traumatic, you deserve to be weary.” 

            “Thank you,” He said, smiling and kissing the inside of my hand. “I feel like it’s time to go back to who I used to be before the circus. I was happy, and brave…”

            “That’s a good goal,” I said, smiling at him. “I believe you made your first step today, by going up and hugging Woojin.”

            “You know, Y/N,” He said, ignoring my comment. “I sometimes wonder where we’d all be if you hadn’t saved us. What we’d be doing.”

            “Interesting thought,” I replied, grabbing his free hand with my own and running my thumbs across the back. “I think I’d be a breeder, like my dad, if my mom wasn’t so caring and compassionate.”

            “I couldn’t imagine you doing that,” He replied, looking at me.

            “My dad was a gruff man. He got angry a lot, so I think I’d do it out of fear,” I replied, nodding.

            “Was he your master?” Jimin asked, eyeing me. I bit my lip, looking at him with sad eyes, nodding.

            “He acted like it, that’s for sure. He treated my family the same as he would treat the other hybrids, and none of it was good…” I said, sighing. “But, it’s all in the past. Come on, let’s go to bed.”

            “Alright… Taehyung and I are going to cuddle tonight; do you want to join?” He asked, holding my hand and leading me inside. I smiled, nodding.

            We made it upstairs, and Tae got really excited when he saw me. Jungkook was asleep in the other bed, shirtless. I went over to Jungkook as Jimin hopped in bed, covering him with the blanket, making his nose twitch. I smiled, kissing his forehead before walking over to the boys, laying in the middle. Taehyung engulfed me in his arms, accidently hitting the bullet wound, making me hiss in pain and him retracting his arms.

            “Sorry,” He whispered, eyes wide.

            “It’s okay, Tae,” I said, giving a small smile. They placed their arms around me in a way that left them holding each other as well. It was peaceful, and I was easily able to fall asleep.

[nastytrashblog]

Lie (Jimin Wings Fanfic)

A/N HOOOOOLYYYYYYYYYYY THIS TOOK ME A LONG TIME! I did this instead of work LOL, I’m so screwed. This is reeaaaaaaaaaaally long. 12,755 words, should’ve made this into parts, oh well. Side note; most of the lines indicate a change in POV. I hope you guys like it! 

Fluff, Badboy/drugs AU

WARNINGS: Mentions of drug abuse, alcohol, and smut. 

"Hey babe, you got it?" Jimin had been having withdrawals the past few days. He couldn't take it anymore. However, his girlfriend has her ways. They met up in an alleyway where no one could see or track them.

"Yes, anything for you love." Jimin was about to intake the drug, but she stopped him.

“Come on baby, you have to repay me. I went through so much to get that for you.” She made a pouty face and placed her hand on his chest.

“Of course baby, I’ll repay you right after this.” He tried to smoke it again be she took it away.

“Repay me now, or else I’ll throw this away.” She teased him. Jimin knew what she wanted and pushed her to the brickwall. He kissed her on the lips and made his way down her neck. He slid his hands in her pants and finished what he had to do. Once he did it, he took it back and started to smoke it. He inhaled a few times and gave it to her.

“Here, I have to get back to work.” She took it and started to smoke it herself.

“Okay, but don’t take what you did a full payment. You still have to give me more later.” She bit her lip and winked at him.

“Yes, of course.” He kissed her on the cheek and put on his hood, then walked away.

Jimin and his girlfriend had been dating for 4 years, he was crazy about her, she was crazy about him, or at least what he “had.” They were high school sweethearts, but she became a bad influence. He loved her so much, he did everything she asked him to do. He was an A student, he had a perfect GPA, but when she came in the picture, that disappeared. The only thing that kept him going was dancing. He was lucky when he was accepted into big hit. None of his fans knew what he does, or what he goes through, but he doesn’t plan for that to change anytime soon.

Jimin ran into the dorms to change from his drug smelling clothes. Everyone was still there, waiting for him.

“Oh, you’re back!” Taehyung said excitedly. He jumped up from the couch and put his arm around him. He took a big whiff and knew exactly where he’s been. “Aish, go take a shower pot head.” Tae pushed him towards the bathroom. He sniffed his arm and immediately made a disgusted face. “Thanks a lot Jimin!” He said sarcastically.

“It’s not pot.” Jimin had a mischievous look on his face and hugged Tae. He squirmed in his arms and broke free. He ran into the bathroom in the speed of light. The sound of him turning on the shower made everyone in the room break out into laughter. Jimin walked towards the couch. When he was about to sit, Hoseok stopped him with his foot.

“Ya, clean yourself first before you touch any of the furniture.” he said in a serious tone. He pushed him away with his foot making him jut forward.

“Okay I get it!” He chuckled. They all went back on their phones like a bunch of robots. “Aren’t we supposed to be at practice right now?”

“Yeah, but we waited so you won’t get in trouble. Now hurry up before they come here.” Namjoon explained. They all cared for him, even if they will get punished for it. Jimin nodded and walked towards his room to get clothes. He then knocked on the door and Tae came out of the shower with his clothes and hair soaking wet.

“You could’ve taken off your clothes, and THEN showered.” Yoongi said disappointed. Tae didn’t care what he said and sloshed into his room leaving a trail of water. Jimin walked into the washroom before they started arguing.

“This rat, who’s going to clean this up now!” Jin exclaimed. All of the hyungs looked at each other, then at the youngest whose eyes were fixed onto his phone. His head popped up and let out a tired sigh.

“Why is it always me?!” He said angrily. He pushed himself up and went into the kitchen. He took some paper towels and cleaned up the water.

Many thoughts went through Jimin’s head. He just stood in the shower letting the water drip from his body down to the floor. He leaned against the wall closing his eyes “Come on baby, do this for me!”, feeling the water hit his face.“I thought you loved me.” He felt calm, “If you did, you would do this for me.” at peace,“Are you scared?”  he hasn’t felt that in a while. “I can’t believe you actually killed him.” Jimin’s eyes immediately opened at the memory. He took a deep breath and reassured that everything was going to be okay.  

Jimin finished and came out drying his hair. They were all on their phones once more. When they heard the door creak open, their heads popped up.

“Okay, let’s go. I don’t want to get into more trouble.” Jimin said putting on his shoes without a care.

“Lucky for us, the practice was cancelled.” Yoongi said while his eyes still glued on his phone, lying down on Jungkook’s lap. Jimin took his shoes off and jumped onto the couch letting out a sigh of relief. He closed his eyes almost drifting off to sleep. The boys exchanged looks saying for one of them to ask what happened, but Jimin got the hint.

“Nothing happened. Just the usual. Got my stuff, her begging, then me leaving.” Jimin sat up and crossed his legs.

“I don’t want to be rude, but why are you with her again?” Jungkook asked. It was too complicated, Jimin couldn’t even explain it.

“I don’t even know anymore. I want to break up with her, but at the same time, I don’t know how. She- she has her ways in keeping me beside her. I can’t explain it. It’s like I’m under a spell or something.” This has been happening for too long. He doesn’t know if he loves her, yet he doesn’t know why he’s with her.

“Maybe she’s the devil tempting you. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. She’s a lunatic who only cares about drugs, money and sex.” Jin was frustrated on what she does to Jimin. None of them wanted Jimin to have to deal with this anymore. “Please, break up with her. We’ll go with you if you want, but you need to.” They all agreed. Then, the sound of Jimin’s phone ringing echoed in the room. He took his phone out and the others crowded around him.

“It’s (g/n). I have to take this, I’ll be back.” Jimin got up, but they pushed him back down again.

“No, you’re picking up, on speaker, with us beside you. We promise we won’t say anything.” Namjoon said, gesturing for him to pick up. Jimin let out a sigh and did what he said.

“Hey baby.” (g/n) in a lustful tone.

“Hey babe, what’s up?”

“What’s up? What’s up is that I need my full payment still. The one that you did earlier was not enough. You know what I want, you know how to do it. Come over so I can have it.” She giggled. Everyone had a disgusted look on their face, but Jimin had no choice. She gets what she wants, he gets what he needs. “Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

“I’ll be ready.” Jimin hung up and shoved his phone back into his pocket and let out an aggravated grunt. He got up and turned to the other members.

“I gotta go. Don’t worry about me, you already know the deal.” He let out a faint smile. He put on his jacket and shoes, and walked out the door. Everyone was worried, they had no power over his situation. They couldn’t do much, they could only give some advice, but he wouldn’t listen.

(G/n) didn’t live in the friendliest neighborhood. It was always dark and gloomy whenever you would walk through, but it fit her personality. Filled with sexually active people, drug users, alcoholics, smokers, no wonder she had this attitude. No matter how many times Jimin walked through here, he still didn’t get used to it. Luckily, no one recognized him, no one could try to mug him.

He reached her front door and knocked. The door flung open and she pulled him in. Jimin took a good look at what she was wearing. His mood went from hating her, to wanting her. She bought new lingerie. It was a Victor Classified’s Dream Angels Lace Bustier in red and black. Jimin didn’t know what was happening. He hated the thought of her manipulating him, and now he loves that she’s in front of him.

“Damn baby, you’re looking hot.” He said pulling her closer. He licked his lips while looking at hers. She gave a sly smile and put her arms around his neck. She played with his hair and tip toed to kiss him. He kissed her back taking control. His hands moved down and squeezed her ass making her moan. She jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist. Jimin made his way to the bedroom, bumping into almost every wall. He reached the bed and placed her down. He kissed down her neck and to her chest. He looked up at her and she nodded.

“I stole this anyways.” He chuckled and ripped her lingerie open. She laid on the bed with her clothes ripped in the middle. He looked up and down, eyeing everything that is his.

“I’ll never get used to this sight.” He leaned down and kissed her again.

She collapsed on the bed pulling the blanket over her to cover her nudity. Jimin pants beside her and stares at the ceiling. He looked beside him at the time and it read 8:00 pm.

“I should go, I have work to do.” Jimin got up and picked up his clothes. He put on his black underwear, and then his jeans, white shirt and hoodie.

“What if I want more of you later? Stay so I can have you.” She said sitting up. Jimin sneered and kissed her goodbye.

“I think you can last.” Jimin walked out and closed the door behind him. He walked fast to get out of the neighborhood as soon as possible. He didn’t feel safe and didn’t want to take his sweet time walking. He made it out and felt slightly relieved. Though, the area was still a bit sketchy. A snowflake landed on his nose and looked up at the sky. “If only I can fly out of here.”

“Jimin, so nice to see you again.” He heard a familiar voice. It wasn’t a nice one, it was deep and scratchy. He slowly turned his head to look at the buff man with 4 other men beside him. He felt his heart drop, his eyes widened, he knew he had to run.

“Get him!” The man ordered. Jimin ran as fast as he could. He was more agile and went faster than his men. He turned around and saw them far behind him. He smiled, but he then bumped into someone. He faced a man and he picked him up by the neck.

“Is this him boss?” He said as he turned his head into the alleyway. Jimin saw a figure walking into the light.

“Ahh Jimin. Yes it is. It seems that you’re getting yourself into quite a bit of trouble.” Jimin looked down at him and trying to gasp for air. “You can put him down, I doubt he’s going to run.” Jimin fell and started coughing. “Well, you’re wondering why I’m here. Have you heard of the rumors that, if you see me, you’re in big trouble?” He squatted down to look at Jimin in the eyes. “Those aren’t rumors my son.” He laughed maniacally and got up. “You see, you are overdue. I need the money, and from what I remember, that’s about $2,000,000. But, I’m a nice man, I’ll make a deal with you. I can lower it all the way to $500,000 if, I get to play with you a bit more. Maybe even take your girl out on a few “dates” if you know what I mean.” Jimin finally caught his breath.

“This debt, it wasn’t me, it was my girlfriend.” The man waved his finger while clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

“You don’t get it. It’s under your name. Even if she did the damage, it’s still on your hands. So, you want to take the offer or not?”Jimin had no choice, he can’t afford to pay $2,000,000 at this point and he didn’t want to ask his members for money either. He didn’t care for his girlfriend, she made him so mad, he didn’t care if this man fucked her multiple times. “She would love it anyways.”

“Fine, a few scars won’t hur-” the man immediately kicked him in the stomach. He turned to the buff man and others gathered around Jimin.

“Boys, you heard him. Do what you need to do.” Jimin then felt pain everywhere on his body. They kicked him, punched him and hurt him in any way possible. They did this for a good ten minutes. Jimin fell unconscious and was left there.

He was curled up in a dark room. A big movie screen was in front of him. His past, his memories, they were playing in front of him.

“Why are you showing me this?” No one answered. “Am I dying?” He saw how happy he was, he saw his old self. He couldn’t help but tear up because that Jimin, is far gone. The memories of him starting high school, how excited he was. He had friends, he was in clubs, he had a normal life. Then, the day she came. He remembered how in love he was. How whenever he saw her, he would blush and become flustered. Hearing his thoughts, hearing the way he used to think about her, “I was so naive.” He thought. His first times with her played. His first kiss, his first date, his first time trying drugs, but most importantly, his first time killing someone. He knew it was coming, but he couldn’t turn his head away. Seeing how he killed his childhood friend, just because he was trying to help him. He knew what was coming in Jimin’s future, but he didn’t listen. “I’m so sorry (b/n), I should’ve listened. I-I didn’t mean to do that to you. Please forgive me!” His tears streamed from his face, hitting the floor. He couldn’t take it anymore, he didn’t want to see the rest. It suddenly paused at his last moments, a voice echoed through the room.

“A tragedy huh? You’re life was perfect, you were such a good boy.” Jimin looked around him, he didn’t see anyone. “My child, it isn’t your time yet. Change your way of living, your chance will be coming soon, so please take it.” Then, the screen moved up and a light moved towards him. He touched it and everything started to chip away. The darkness revealed a white layer underneath it, and everything went away. “Hello?” a voice in the distance called. “Hello sir can you hear me?”

“Yes 911, there is an unconscious adult male on the floor. He’s bloody, and he has some broken bones.” Jimin started to come back to his senses. “Yes, I think he’s breathing. Wait, he’s moving his eyes. Sir? Can you hear me?” Jimin opened his eyes seeing a woman trying to help him. His eyes strained at the bright light. “What is your name sir?” She asked.

“Ji-” He coughed up blood and tried to continue, “-min. Jimin.” She moved his hair out of his face and looked at him in the eyes.

“Okay Jimin, you’ll be okay. The ambulance will be coming soon.” The girl looked up and around the area. “Do these people have a heart? How could they not help a man covered in blood and on the floor?” She said with a worried look.

“It’s kind of common around this area.” Jimin tried to get up, but his broken arm and rib cage wouldn’t allow it.

“Stay put, I don’t want you to get hurt even more. Just wait for the ambulance please.” It eventually came and put Jimin onto a gurney. “Can I come? I want to see how he does.” The lady asked the paramedic.

“What is your relation with this man? We can’t let on anyone with no-” She cut him off. “I’m his, uhhh, girlfriend.” She lied. Luckily, the paramedic allowed her onto the ambulance and they drove off to the hospital. They brought him to the ER. They took a CT scan and saw that he has a concussion, broken arms and ribs, and internal bleeding. They brought him into the operating room right away. The girl waited with Jimin’s phone in her hand. It started to buzz and saw the name Namjoon on it. She thought it was his brother and picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Hello? (G/n), where’s Jimin?”

“I’m not (g/n), or whoever she is. Jimin’s in the ER getting operated on right now-”

“What? Which ER? Which hospital?”

“Myung sei hospital.”

“That far? Guys, Jimin’s at the hospital. We gotta go.” Namjoon hung up. They arrived at the hospital and asked the front desk where Jimin was. The girl wondered if he was Namjoon. The lady at the front desk pointed to the girl and they walked towards her.

“You’re not Jimin’s girlfriend. Who are you?” one said.

“Sorry I should introduce myself. I’m (y/n). If you’re wondering what happened, I’m not sure. I just found him on the street like that.” They all looked at you confused.

“Why did you say you were his girlfriend?” Another asked.

“I, I was just worried. I was the one who brought him here, I wanted to see if he made it. Oh, here’s his phone. I think he’ll appreciate it if someone he knew held onto it.” You handed them his phone and they took it.

“I guess we should introduce ourselves. I’m Namjoon, he’s Hoseok, Jin, Taehyung, Yoongi and Jungkook.” He explained while pointing each one out. A surgeon came out and approached you and the group of boys.

“Are you (y/n)? Jimin’s girlfriend.” You turned to him and nodded. “Can we talk in private? All of you guys come with me too.” You all followed him into a room. “Well, the surgery was a success. We stopped the internal bleeding and put his bones back in place. They will heal up on their own, but he needs to rest for about 2 months, maybe a little less. Now I know his situation, I have a daughter who’s a big fan of BTS, but he needs to stay. I will keep this a secret from the rest of the staff.” He explained. “Situation? BTS?” You were clueless on who they were. You’ve heard the name BTS before, but you never really knew what that was. You lived in the countryside then moved to the city. You never really watched TV, and barely went out because of the work you had to do. The only time you did was to get food at the convenience store. When you saw Jimin, you were walking home from your brother’s house.

“Can we see him?” Taehyung asked.

“Yes you can. He’s in the room fourth room down the hall to the left. He should be a bit groggy from the anesthesia.” They all nodded and ran into the room. You stayed with the doctor for a bit longer to ask a question.

“Yes Ms. (l/n)? Are you not going to follow them to see your boyfriend?” he asked.

“I have a question to ask. But first, I’m not his girlfriend, I’m sorry for lying. I just, I felt like I needed to go with him. I didn’t know what else to say. Don’t get mad.” he giggled and responded in a soft tone, “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. Now what is your question?”

“What is BTS? ” His eyes widened at your question looking appalled, “Really? I would expect a young girl like you to know. They’re one of the most popular kpop groups. Not just in Korea, worldwide. You can search the rest up later, I need to get back to work. I’ll see you around Ms. (l/n).” He left the room and continued on with his work. You exited right after and followed the directions he gave. You knocked on the door before entering and Jin opened the door.

“Oh, (y/n). I thought you would’ve left. Come in.” You entered and saw Jimin in a full body cast. The rest of the boys were on the couch. “I was just feeding him.”

“So, you’re name is (y/n). Thank you for saving me back there, I owe you.” You walked to the injured boy and saw his body and face covered with bandages.

“You don’t owe me anything. I’m glad I was there at the time.” You said smiling. You moved close to him and moved his hair out of his eyes. Although he was smiling, you saw a sad little boy calling for help.

“Umm, can you guys leave (y/n) and I alone for a few minutes?” They all got up and walked out the door. “I just wanted to ask you about something, if you don’t mind talking with me.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem. I’ll answer any question. Oh, and let me feed you.” You wanted to help him as much as possible. You barely knew this guy, but you felt like it was your job to take care of him.

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to take care of me, you’ve done enough.” He smiled. You took a spoonful of rice and chicken and held it near his mouth.

“I insist. Open up.” you let out a soft giggle, and he did as you asked. You put the tray in your lap so it’s more accessible and sat back. “What do you want to ask me?” He swallowed his food and looked at you.

“Well, I wanted to know why you helped me. Since you were in the area, I’m guessing you lived there. Not many people visit, nor are there nice people there.”

“I was visiting my brother, he needed money. I’m lucky I was there at the right time.”

“No, I’m the one that’s lucky.” You talked for the next 20 minutes getting to know each other. It seemed natural, like you knew each other for a long time. He found out almost everything about you, but you learned nothing about him. The boys and the doctor came in while you two were sharing laughs.

“Jimin, Dr. Kim is here to check up on you.” Hoseok said walking in.

“Yes, Jimin did you finish your dinner?” the doctor asked.

“Yep, thanks doc. I feel a bit better after a meal. I haven’t eaten all day.” Jimin looked at you and flashed you a smile.

“Well, you’ll feel much better if you get some rest.” the doctor suggested.

“Can you give us 10 more minutes? We need to discuss on what to tell our manager and PD.” Namjoon asked. The doctor agreed.

“I should get going. I have work in…” You check your watch and it read 2:38 am, “about 5 hours.” You got up from the chair and looked at everyone. “It was nice meeting you all. Maybe we’ll bump into each to in the near future.” You smile and walk out the door with the doctor.

“Ms. (l/n), it was nice meeting you.” the doctor expressed.

“It was nice meeting you too, Mr…” You looked at his name tag, “Kim. Or should I saw Dr. Kim. I’ll see you soon, I just hope it’s not because I got injured, but yeah.” you joked. You said your last goodbyes and parted ways. You were nearly out the door when you heard someone call you name. You turn around and see Jungkook running towards you.

“Ca-can I have your number? For future purposes?” He said panting.

“Yeah sure.” You laughed. “Did you really run to get my number?” He passed you his phone and he started to laugh as well. You finished typing your number in and gave him his phone.

“I guess you can say that. Thanks (y/n).” He lightly tapped his phone on your head and ran down the hall. “That boy is something else.” You laughed. You took the bus home and collapsed on your bed. “Today was a crazy day. That Jimin guy really takes the cake. He’s mysterious. Although he’s happy, it seems that he’s hiding something. I might not see him again anyways. Unless Jungkook, I think that was his name, texts me and makes plans with the others.”

For many weeks, you hoped you would get a call, text, something from Jungkook, but nothing happened. You went on with your life, working at the office once every month, staying at home doing paper work and lounging around, everything was normal. Although, you couldn’t help but think about them. You decided to look them up one day. You never knew how big they were. You listened to their songs, and got into them. When you had free time, you would watch their variety shows and seeing how goofy they are made you smile. The way they make fun of each other, how they tease each other, how Jimin smiled, how he laughed. Whenever you were down, seeing Jimin made you feel at ease, and you didn’t know why.

2 months later

You laid in your bed thinking about the day you saw him on the floor. You were appalled. You never thought that someone who was this famous, would get himself into that situation. You looked at your clock and it read 4:48 am. It was the day where you go to you office once a month to share your research and give a presentation. You had 30 minutes of shut eye when you heard a ding. You lazily lifted your arm to pick up your phone and the light from your screen flashed in your eyes.

“Hello, is this (y/n)?” it read. You slid your finger across your phone and replied without even thinking. You were still half asleep.

“Yes, who’s this?”

“It’s Jimin.” “Jimin, I don’t know a Ji-” Your senses came back and you sat up. “Jimin?! The one I helped a few weeks ago?” You heard another ding and looked at your phone.

“I know it’s been 2 months since we met, but if you remember, Jungkook got your number before you left. He gave it to me when I left the hospital a few days ago. I just thought it would be the right thing to text you. Well, it’s almost 6 in the morning. Sorry if I woke you up, I just couldn’t wait any longer.”

“No, it’s fine. I was already awake. And yeah, I remember, how could I not? So how was your recovery? Did it go smoothly?”

“Yeah, no complications. Thank you again for saving me. I really do owe you.”

“It’s okay, you don’t owe me anything. Thanks for the offer.”

“No I do. Even if it’s something simple. You want to grab lunch later?” Your heart fluttered when you read his text. But then you remembered, “I actually have a presentation today. I don’t get off work until 7.” You wanted to see him, and thought of something else. “Maybe dinner?”

“Sure, I can pick you up at 8 so you have time to change. I’ll see you then.”

“See you.” You didn’t feel tired anymore and felt more energized and got up. You took your time in the shower and drank a warm cup of hot chocolate with your breakfast. By the time you finished, it was still 7:00. The drive there was only 10 minutes, there was no point in being early. You went upstairs to pack your laptop and notes. You looked at your closet and opened it. “Hmm, what should I wear later. Maybe a shirt and jeans? No, seems to casual. Maybe a dress? Nah, too formal. Where are we even going? I should ask him.” You opened your phone and texted Jimin.

“Hey, are you awake? Or did you fall asleep.” He answered instantaneously.

“Nope, still awake. What’s up?”

“Where exactly are we going later?”

“I don’t know, where do you want to go? I’m treating you, so you can pick.”

“I thought you had something in mind.”

“Was I supposed to?”

“Ha. Have you never made plans before? You offered.”

“I offered lunch, not dinner.”

“True. Surprise me then.”

“Okay, if you say so.”

“Do you have something in mind yet?”

“Can you wait woman?” You giggled and rolled your eyes.

“I need to know what to wear.”

“Oh, just wear what you would usually wear when you go out.”

“I need specifics!”

“Just wear something casual. Nothing fancy, but don’t under dress okay? And dress for the weather, if you get cold, I’m not giving you my jacket.”

“Wow, what a gentleman. I need to go now, I’ll see you then.”

“Okay, and message me your address. See ya (y/n).” You sent him your address and looked through your closet. You decided to wear a pink collared shirt with a white high waisted skirt and paired it with your peach coloured platforms. Since you were wearing a skirt, you wore a thong. You didn’t want the outline of your underwear to show, so you went with a red laced one. You didn’t think much of it, it’s just underwear… really provocative underwear. It’s not like he’s going to see it. Once you finished and laid it on your bed, it was 7:40. You took your car keys and drove to work.

You arrived and sat at your desk getting everything ready for your presentation. You worked on this for a month and it was your best one yet. You practiced in your head until your boss called the meeting. No matter how many times you had done this, you still got nervous. You greeted everyone as you entered the room and one by one, your colleagues went. Eventually, it was your turn. Everything went smoothly, your boss was pleased with what you did and gave you a promotion. Unfortunately, you couldn’t work at your home anymore and you needed to go to the office regularly. Lunch came and you went to the caf with some of your friends. You caught up with them and surprisingly a lot happened. One of them got engaged, the other is pregnant, another moved homes, you were still living a normal life. Although, you were about to go out to dinner with a huge kpop star. You couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.

Time went by slowly and it drove you crazy. Whenever you checked the clock, it seemed like it had been hours, but it had only been minutes. You tapped the pencil on your lip, staring at your at your watch. You were shaking your leg anxiously, waiting for that second hand to hit the 12. You counted down in your head, “10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1” You got up, grabbed your jacket and sped out of the room before saying bye to anyone. On the way home, you hit almost every red light which aggravated you. You pulled up at your driveway and ran inside and up the stairs. You looked at the clock and it read 7:15. You undressed yourself from your work clothes and carefully put on your other clothes that had already been laid out. You went to the bathroom and redid your makeup. First your foundation, then concealer, eyebrows, eyeliner, highlight, contour and blush. You put your hair in a half ponytail and curled the tips. By the time you were finished, you heard your phone ring in your room. You ran to it and picked it up.

“Hello?”

“I’m here, are you ready?”

“Yep, I’ll be there in a second.” You hung up and cleaned up all your mess. You took a small bag and shoved your keys,wallet, mirror, charger and portable battery, and phone in it. You put on your shoes and took a good look at yourself. “You’re doing good today (y/n)!” You gave yourself a thumbs up and walked out the door. You saw Jimin in his car wearing a black shirt with a jean jacket and hat. You walked towards his car and entered.

“I think that took more than a second.” he joked.

“You know us girls. Where are we going anyways?” He was silent. You looked at him eyeing you from your head to your feet.

“Is something wrong?” You asked. He turned away and backed up from your driveway.

“Nope, nothing’s wrong.” He bit his lip trying not to look at you. “And you’ll see where we’re going.” You were so excited to see where he took you. He seemed like the romantic type to you. “What if he takes me to a fancy restaurant. No, he said not to over dress. Maybe those drive in movies, where we eat in the car while watching old films. Wait, this isn’t a date is it? Nah, he’s just treating me out. Then why am I thinking this way?” He made a stop and you looked up. He was at a Mcdonald's drive through. You looked at him disappointed.

“This, this is what you’re treating me to. Really?” He laughed and drove up to the telecom.

“Hi, welcome to Mcdonald's, how may I help you.”

“Yo buddy, you know who I am. I need a special for me and a lady here.”

“Oh, yes. Okay that’ll be coming right up. Just drive to the 2nd window.” Jimin rolled up his window and smiled.

“Special? What kind of special? And why don’t you have to pay?” You were suspicious, what kind of special can you get from here.

“You’ll see. I just have many… connections.” Jimin drove up to the second window and was handed two big paper bags.

“Thanks man, I’ll see you later.” Jimin saluted him and put the bags in the back seats.

“Don’t look what’s inside them yet, like you said, you wanted a surprise.” You were excited, but scared. You didn’t know this man, yet you trusted him. He drove up a mountain to a little spot that looked over the city. He stopped and exited the car. You did as well while he took the food from the back seat. He put it on the roof of his car and he climbed up.

“Come on, the view from up here is amazing.” You lifted yourself up but had a bit of trouble. He laughed at the sight of you struggling. He got off the roof of his car and put his hands around your waist. You were taken aback from his action and pushed him off, “What are you doing?”

He laughed and mocked you, “The little girl needs help to get up. “ You glared at him and he backed off, “Sorry, do you not want to eat?” You sighed and he lifted you up and he followed after and took the containers out of the bag. You saw pasta, pizza, cheesecake, strawberries, and he took out two cans of nestea.

“Woah, I didn’t know they had this at Mcdonald's.” You were amazed at the amount and the quality of the food.

“Like I said, I have connections. Now eat up, before it gets cold.” He passed you a fork and you dug in. You stuffed your face like there was no tomorrow.

“You’re such a pig.” he teased.

“I don’t really care right now. It tastes so good!” He laughed and saw how happy you were, “You know, this isn’t enough to repay you for what you did.”

“Yes it is. This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted, I think you’re fine.” You smiled with your cheeks filled with food. “Besides,” you swallowed the rest, “You didn’t even need to do this. I mean, you drove all the way up here to look at this amazing view, I’m eating this incredible food, and I’m here with you.” You opened your can of nestea and took a sip.

“What?” You realized what you had just said and choked on your drink. You started to cough violently and he patted your back, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. So, how has work been?” You changed the topic before he could ask again.

“Ahh, it’s fun. I’ve always loved performing. Oh, and the others say hi.” He looked at you and smiled.

“Oh, well tell them I said hi back.” You looked out over the city and saw the street lights illuminating through the dark. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this view.” A cold wind grazed your skin sending shivers down your spin. You rubbed your arms trying to warm them up. You then felt a piece of fabric go over your shoulders.

“You idiot, I told you to bring a jacket.” he shook his head. You look at him and glanced down at his built arms. You scoffed and turned away, “Well, you said that you wouldn’t give me yours.”

“Huh, touché. Do you want me to take it back?” he lifted off your shoulders, but you pulled it back down.

“No, I’ll give it back after.” He chuckled and put his hands back on his sides. Both of you talked for hours, sharing laughs, and you learned a bit more about him. How he was an A student with a perfect GPA and he was the best dancer in his class.

You finished the food, and that’s where it ended. He drove you home and walked you to your front porch, “Thanks, for today. You really don’t owe me anymore.” you gave a faint smile. You felt bad that he was wasting his time trying to pay you back for what you did.

“That was nothing.” He lifted his hand and pushed your loose strands behind your ear, “Besides, I want to take you out more.” You felt butterflies in your stomach as he said that.

“Oh, here’s your jacket. Thanks for letting me borrow it.” You took it off and handed it to him. He pushed it away and held your hands.

“You can keep it, it looks good on you.” You blushed and turned red as a tomato. He leaned in close to your face.

“Are you okay? You better get inside, it’s pretty cold out here.” You nodded and unlocked your door.

“I’ll see you soon I guess.” Jimin waved and turned away. You opened your door and stepped inside. You were about to close it when a force pushed it open making you fall.

“Ow!” You exclaimed.

“I’m sorry (y/n). I just saw paparazzi. I need to stay a while if you don’t mind.” He helped you up and closed the door.

“Yeah, you can stay for a while. I don’t have work tomorrow anyways. Make yourself at home.”

“Thank you!” he bowed and made his way to the couch. You walked to your fridge and opened it, scanning everything you had.

“You want anything to drink?” you heard him turn on the tv and you turned towards him.

“Nope, ahh, I’m good.” He relaxed on the couch and put his feet up on your coffee table.

“Are you sure? I have beer.” You took two bottles out and showed it to him.

“I guess you know my style.” he sat up and smiled. You laughed and kick your refrigerator door closed. You sat beside him and passed him his bottle. You smack the cap of the bottle on your table and it flew off. You took a few good gulps and sighed contently.

“Nothing is better than sharing a cold beer with someone.” You raised your bottle up and sat back. He removed the cap the same way you did, and sat back. He took a sip and kept his eyes glued on the TV.

“Nice thong by the way.” he joked. You sat up and scowled at him.

“How do you know I’m wearing one?”

“Your skirt was way too short babe.” He took another sip and he turned his eyes to you with the tip of his bottle still on his lips, “but I gotta say, I didn’t know you rolled like that. Kinda turns me on.” he scoffed and took another sip. You didn’t know what to say, you didn’t think he would find out. You put your beer down and shook your hands.

“Nnnnnnnnno, you got the wrong idea. It just looked better if I wore a thong with this skirt.” you tried to explain. He sat up and put his beer down as well. He looked at you straight in the eyes, “Who said you had to wear a skirt. You could’ve worn jeans. That would’ve been the warmer choice as well.” You hate to admit it, but he was right. Why didn’t you wear jeans? Knowing yourself, you would’ve just worn sweats. While being distracted by your thoughts, Jimin lifted your chin up with his finger.

“You are honestly so beautiful. How can a girl drive me crazy when I only saw her for 2 days in my entire life.” He was inches away from your face. You felt your cheeks burning up as he closed the distance between you two. His lips grazed upon yours for a few seconds before entering a deep kiss. The taste and the feel of his plump lips on yours, it was heavenly. He cupped your cheeks with his hands and you melted at his touch. All your joints grew weak and your back fell onto the couch. He deepened the kiss and his hand found its way to your thigh. You let out a soft moan as his hand rubbed it. He pulled away, gazing into your eyes, “That was hot.” he teased. You chuckled and grabbed his shirt to pull him back into the kiss.

The next day

You wake up the next morning in your bed to the smell of bacon. You put on a shirt and underwear, and walked down the stairs. You saw Jimin with wet hair and in nothing but a towel cooking breakfast for you. He turned his head your way and smiled. He walked towards you and gave you a forehead kiss.

“Hey babe, had a good night’s rest?” he looked down at you.

“Babe?” You looked at him confused.

“What, can I not call you that after last night?”

“I guess you can. So what are we now?” You had only seen him twice, but you knew almost everything about him. It seemed like you knew him for years. Jimin got on one knee and held your hand, “(Y/n), will you be my girlfriend?” You put a finger on your lip, pretending to think. “Hmm, I don’t know. Maybe?” You joked. Jimin got up and lowered his head.

“Then maybe I should just go.” Jimin took a step up the stairs, but you pulled him back down.

“I’m kidding. Yes, of course.” He smiled and hugged you. You hugged him back and he threw his fist in the air and exclaimed, “yes!”

You got ready to go to the dorms with Jimin to properly meet the other members. You wore black short shorts, with a grey crop sweater and white vans. You walked downstairs to leave with Jimin. When his eyes fell on your image, his jaw dropped.

“How can someone be so hot in something so simple?” He got up from the couch and wrapped his arms around your waist. You lightly pushed him off and unlocked the door, “Oh shut up and let’s go.” He laughed and put his arm around your shoulders as you walked to his car. On the way there, he was very touchy, but you didn’t mind. His hand would be on your thigh the whole ride, he would kiss your neck at the red stop lights, and tickle you to get a laugh out. You couldn’t believe that this sweet, loving man beside you was beaten to pulp just a few months ago.

You finally reached the dorms and parked at the back. He exited the door and opened yours.

“Wow, what a gentleman.” you exited while looking at him.

“I’m just that sweet.” He laughed and grabbed a hold of your hand. “Let’s go.” you two took your time walking to the door as he explained what you should probably expect. “Well, it might be messy, they’ll tease me a lot. Considering last night, they don’t know that we’re dating. They might say some weird things, and… oh! If they flirt with you, ignore them. I know at least one of them will.” You reached the door and stood in front of him and took both of his hands while he was distracted with his thoughts.

“You know you worry too much.” you giggled.

“You’re right, I have nothing to worry about.” just then, the door opened to a half naked, half asleep Jungkook with bed head and wearing nothing but his black boxers.

“Noisy, noisy, very noisy! Just get inside before someone sees you.” You entered the dorm and a huge wave of a delicious scent blew through your face, it made your mouth water. You just ate a few minutes ago, and you’re already hungry.

“Woah, what’s that smell!” You looked at Jimin. He nodded forward and you looked towards the kitchen. You saw someone with broad shoulders at the stove cooking away. He turned around, it was Jin.

“Hey! (y/n) right?” He walked to you reaching out his hand. “Not sure if you remember me name but I’m-” You finished his sentence. “Jin, yes I know.” You shook his hand and smiled. “Breakfast is almost done, that is if you guys didn’t eat yet.”

“Yes we did, but I’m feeling a bit hungry now.” You were about to walk to the kitchen when you felt Jimin squeeze your hand. You looked at him and he was red with anger. You took that as a warning to stay beside him. Down the hall, you saw a door open and Yoongi walked outside in a white towel with wet hair. He looked at the both of you and started to laugh. “What’s so funny.” You looked up at Jimin and he’s even more red.

“HOW MANY OF YOU ARE SHIRTLESS RIGHT NOW?!” There he goes, he finally erupted. Everyone in the whole neighborhood probably heard that. You just stood there, not knowing what to do. There was an awkward silence, and then everyone bursted out into laughter.

“Jimin, if you were that jealous of us, you could’ve just told us to put on shirts. You didn’t have to yell.” Jungkook said coming out of his room while putting on his blue shirt.

“Yeah Jimin. And you’ve lived with us for years now, you should know that we walk around like this. You’re lucky that Namjoon didn’t come out yet.” Jin snorted. Jimin’s eyes widened and ran straight to Namjoon’s room and heard screaming and grunting. You and everyone else in the room looked at the door. Jimin finally came out and Namjoon followed after.

“Hey (y/n), I didn’t know you were coming. Jimin was just, taking precautionary measures. Sit and eat breakfast with us.” He lead you to the table and Jimin took an extra chair to sit beside you.

“TAE, HOSEOK, WAKE UP! WE’RE GOING TO EAT WITHOUT YOU!” Jin yelled while putting down the plates of food. Everyone took their seats and Tae and Hoseok came rushing in.

“Oh, hey. I remember you! (Y/n), nice to see you again.” Hoseok smiled and took his seat. Tae sat beside Hoseok and Jin took his seat beside you.

“Okay, dig in you pigs.” Jin teased. Everyone demolished the food, you couldn’t even get the chance to take some. The hands were crowding around the plates. Luckily, Jimin knew how to fight with them and got you some food. After 2 minutes, all the food was gone and onto their own plates. They stuffed their faces and looked content. Jin got up and put the empty plates in the sink. Namjoon swallowed his food and spoke, “So, how was last night guys?”

“It was nice.”

“I bet you they fucked.” Jungkook laughed. Jin slapped him across the head.

“Shut up and eat your food.” Jin pointed at his plate angrily and sat back down. Your phone started to ring and you saw it was from you company.

“Sorry, I have to take this.” You got up and answered the phone walking to the bathroom.

“Hello?”

“Ah (y/n), I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I need you to come to work today. We will pay you extra for coming, but we really need the help.”

“Okay, no worries. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Thank you!” You hung up grew disappointed. You wanted to spend the day with them, but work, as always, took you away from your fun. You walked back to the table and Jimin stood up.

“Sorry guys, I have to go. I need to help out at the office. Maybe we’ll hang out next time.” Jimin took his jacket and keys,

“I’ll drive you there.”

“No it’s okay, you’ll be seen. I can just take the bus.” He nodded and you kissed him goodbye. You left the dorm and made your way to the bus stop.

“So, Jimin, is she your new girlfriend?” Tae asked.

“Umm, about that.” He turned around and looked at them.

“She is!” Hoseok said.

“Yeah, I guess you can say that.” Jimin blushed, he never felt this happy in a long time.

“See! I told you they fucked!” Jungkook exclaimed. Jin slapped him across the head again, “Okay, I get it.” He was silent, and then spoke again, “Was it good?” It was Jimin this time that walked up to him and picked him up by his shirt. “I’m kidding!” Jimin let him go.

“I’m happy that you’re dating (y/n) and all, but there’s one thing that you may have forgotten.” Yoongi said, “Like I don’t know, maybe (G/N)?!” Everyone in the room averted their eyes from Yoongi to Jimin.

“Nah, I’m sure she’s fine. You know the guy that beat me up a few months ago, a part of the deal was to fuck her, she’s probably having the time of her life.” Jimin shrugged and fell on the couch.

“She’s still your girlfriend. What if (y/n) finds out?” Hoseok was concerned not just for Jimin, but also for you.

“I’m planning to break up with her anyways.” His phone dinged and he looked at who it was from, “Speak of the devil.” Jimin read the message in a mocking girly tone, “Baby, where are you? I want to see you. You can’t stay away from me, you’ll need your fix sooner or later.” She wasn’t wrong, he knew he would get withdrawals soon. He closed his phone and put it back in his pocket.

“Are you not going to respond?” Taehyung asked.

“Nahhh, I don’t wanna talk to her right now. She was the reason why I almost died that night.” Jimin sat up and clenched his fist. “Oh, and do you guys know where to get 100 white lilies?”

You sat at your desk, tapping your pencil on your head, waiting for time to fly by. You looked at the clock and it read 4:37. “I’ve been here for more than 4 hours, how much longer until I can leave.” A tap on your shoulder made you jump. You turned around and saw that it was your boss.

“Thank you so much (y/n) for coming. Here’s your paycheck for today, you may go home now.” She gave you a big smile and you thanked her for the pay. She walked away and you grabbed your jacket when someone in the distance called for you.

“(Y/n), someone is here to see you.” You looked up and saw it was Jimin in a black face mask, holding a bouquet of flowers. You ran to him and he picked you up and spun you around. He finally put you down and put his mask a bit down.

“What are you doing here?” You said happily.

“I wanted to surprise you. Here, these are for you.” He handed you the bouquet of lilies, “there are 100 of them.” He sounded like an accomplished child giving his mother flowers using his own money for the first time in his life.

“Lilies? My favorite!” You sniffed them and sighed contently.

“Come on, I have other places to bring you.” He took your hand and both of you ran out. He drove you around from place to place. You went to little bistros, trying new foods. You technically took a tour of the whole city that you’ve been living in for about 3 years now. He took you sightseeing, you went to an amusement park. You did so much in 7 hours, you didn’t think that it was possible. It was nearing midnight and both of you went to a 24 hour cafe. He said that he would order your drink and you sat down at a table. He put the drink in front of you as he sipped on his iced americano, “Here. Now trust me, it’s not poison or anything.”

You took the cup and felt its heat in your hands, “Yeah, because I can trust a man I just met.” You laughed.

“Hey, this so called man is your boyfriend!” he chuckled and you took a sip. It was warm. The perfect amount sweetness and bitterness. It tasted familiar, but at the same time, it tasted something out of this world, “Woah, what is this?”

He leaned in and you leaned in as well, “It’s a secret!” You sat back down and scooched your chair near him, “Tell me!”

“No.” You gave him a sad face and he mocked you. “Please!” you started to whack him with your sleeves. He was laughing, but that soon ended. Jimin’s head started hurting, he wanted to vomit badly. He was sweating through his shirt and felt pain on his abdomen.

“Jimin, are you okay?” He tried to get up, but immediately fell down. “Jimin! Someone please call 911! Jimin, baby stay with me.” Your voice faded away.

He woke up in a hospital bed with you to the left of him and the boys on the right.

“He’s waking up!” Tae pointed out.

“Thank goodness you’re okay.” Jin said in a motherly way.

“Yeah, I guess I was just tired.” Jimin responded blinking his eyes.

“Don’t scare me like that ever again!” You squeezed his hand and he turned to face you.

“I’m sorry baby. I guess I was just tired.” He smiled at you and stroked your hand, “You should go home, get some rest please.” You pulled your hand away and crossed your arms, “No, I wanna stay here with you.”

“Please, (y/n), I’ll be fine. I’ll message you when I’m out.” He didn’t want you to leave, but he had no other choice, “Joon, can you drive her home please.” Namjoon nodded and you kissed him goodbye. Once you left, Jimin turned to the others, “Can you guys do me a favor? Call (g/n) and get me a fix?” They all looked at each other and communicated through their eyes.

“Fine, I don’t like this though. You’re getting withdrawals this easily, you’ll be relying on her a lot.” Hoseok said.

“I know, just get them for me. Do as much as you can. You can take my car, it’s at the cafe down the street from our dorm” They nodded and left Jimin there to rest.

The boys parked their car, just outside of the area. They walked together and kept each other safe.

“How does Jimin do this? It’s so creepy.” Jin said trying to stay close to his younger members.

“I know, but we have to do this for him.” Yoongi said. They kept walking forward until they saw the house at the corner like what Jimin explained. Yoongi knocked on the door and (g/n) opened up.

“Oh, it’s you dweebs. What do you want?” She was chewing her gum obnoxiously and crossed her arms, giving them cut eye.

“Nice to see you too (g/n).” Yoongi responded sarcastically, “We’re actually here to get a fix for Jimin.” She looked at them confused, “Why didn’t he do it himself?”

“He’s not feeling well, withdrawals were too much for him this time.” Jungkook replied. (G/n) scoffed and spat her gum out to the side of them, “I’m not going to give it to you guys. I only give it to him in person.” Yoongi was really close to strangling her, but he kept his calm.

“Just give it to us!” Tae was starting to get irritated as well.

“No, end of conversation. Go suck an egg.” She slammed the door on them.

“What a bi-” Jungkook was about to swear, but mother Jin stared him down, “bi-g house right?” Jungkook shut up and they all walked away from her house.

“What are we gonna do now?” Hoseok asked.

“If Jimin wants his fix, he’s going to have to get it himself.” Yoongi replied.

They came back to the hospital and entered Jimin’s room. Jimin woke up and looked at them.

“Did you get it?” He sat up and they surrounded him, “No, she’ll only give it if it’s in person, to you.” Jungkook spoke.

Jimin let out a short sigh and started to take out the IV tubes.“Of course. I have to go I guess. The hospital can’t help me here.” The boys stopped him before someone came in to check on him. Namjoon came back and looked at them, “What’s happening here?”

“Jimin wants to leave to get his fix.” Jin explained.

“You can’t just leave, they won’t allow you.” Namjoon said.

“Don’t worry, we know the doctor.” As if on cue, Dr. Kim came in, “Hello boys.”

“Oh, Mr. Kim!”  They all said in unicense. Namjoon shook his hand, “So nice to see you again.”

“I thought you worked at Myung sei hospital.” Tae moved away from Jimin and walked towards him and Namjoon. He shook his head , “No, not anymore. Luckily I found an opening here.”

“That’s good to hear. So you know our situation right?” Hoseok asked.

“Yeah, I know it’s bad for a doctor to do this, but I can’t hold a patient against his or her’s rights. You may go, I believe that you can change your way of living. You’re chance will come soon, so please take it.” The boys nodded and helped Jimin get up.

“Thanks doc, I’ll see you soon.” Jimin shook his hand.

“Oh I know you will.” They all left still trying to help Jimin walk on his two legs. Jimin was thinking about his words the whole ride to (g/n)’s. It seemed so familiar to him.

They arrived at (g/n)’s and Jimin insisted that for them to leave. With a bit of persuading, they did. Jimin walked to the front door and knocked.

“I swear if it’s one of you fu-” (g/n) yelled from the inside of her house.

“No, (g/n) it’s me.” Jimin answered. She opened the door and leaned against the post.

“I guess you’re here for the fix. You know the deal, you get this, I ge-” She was interrupted with Jimin closing the door and pushing her against the wall. He smashed his lips on hers and groped her ass.

“I know what to do. Better do it now then later.”

(G/n) sat up while Jimin was still laying on the bed. She opened her drawer and gave him a bag.

“Here. I know you’ve been having withdrawals, sorry for making you do this first.” Jimin turned to face her. She looked and sounded genuine, it shocked him. He took the bag and went to the table, then rolled it up and lit it.

“Sorry for selling you to the drug dealer.” Jimin slouched and took another hit. She leaned against him and stroked his hair, “It’s fine. He stopped bugging me a few days ago.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her chin on top of his head, “You know, if you need a fix every week, we can arrange something. A schedule, I know you’re busy.”  

“Sure, it’ll be best for both of us.” Jimin wished he didn’t have to do this behind your back, but he didn’t want you to find out about his habits. He would go to her house every Sunday, did what he had to do, and got out of there. He gave her some money to pay it off so he wouldn’t have to take a beating again. He always had a set time, and he would tell you that he had dance practice. This didn’t mean he wasn’t happy with you. He would surprise you at work, send you gifts, went out on dates almost everyday. He gave you this happy image of himself, a pure innocent man who loved you, but in reality, did drugs, cheats on you every week to do drugs. He was someone who is living a big lie.

A few weeks later

“Going again are you?” Tae asked.

“Yeah, you already know my situation.” Jimin was about to walk out the door, when Hoseok stopped him. He noticed that everyone was in the room and took a seat. Jimin let out an irritated grunt before speaking, “What now?”

“Jimin, do you love (y/n)?” Jin asked. He looked at him confused, “What kind of a question is that? Of course I do!”

“Then can you stop with this “deal” or whatever it is?” Namjoon requested. He sat up and looked at all the guys, “Okay, I know it looks bad, but I’m doing this “deal” because I love her.”

“You’re having sex with another woman to do drugs because you love her…” Jungkook said in a “are you kidding me?” tone.

“When you say it like that it sounds bad. But did you not see her worried for her life when I pass out that one time? I don’t want her to experience that ever again.”

“What if she finds out? She’s going to get hurt, what will you do then?” Yoongi asked. Jimin looked determined and confident,  “I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“If you know it’s going to hurt her, why are you still going through with it? There’s something called rehab you know? A much better choice.” Tae explained.

“Yeah, you’re living a lie right now. She thinks you’re this amazing guy who’s happy with his life.” They all had really good points, but being the stubborn Jimin that he was, he didn’t listen.

“You think I asked to be like this? You know how hard it is to live like me? Everyday you’re scared for your life that you’ll die from this drug, that the girl you love will find out you’re having sexual relations with another girl and that she’ll leave you, and if I go into rehab, everything that I tried to hide, will be exposed.” Jimin got up and walked to the door, “Follow me if you want, it isn’t going to change anything.” Jimin slammed the door and drove away.

“What are we going to do?” Namjoon was concerned for his well being.

“He’s going to have to suffer the consequences when the time comes.” Yoongi and everyone else knew it was coming sooner or later. Jin sat up and placed his chin in his palms, “I hate to admit it, but that’s the only way that he’s going to change his mind.”

You received a phone call not too long ago from your brother, he needed money again. He asked for 1 grand this time, but you felt bad for him and helped him out. You drove up into his driveway and knocked on the door. It opened and he stood there in a black shirt and black pants.

“Going somewhere? A funeral?” He scoffed and leaned against the door post, “Nah, my buddies and I are going clubbing. Wanna come with?”

You shook your head, “I’ll pass. Maybe you can finally find a girl, even if it’s at a club.” He chuckled and gave a confident pose, “Please, I get many girls.”

You had to agree, he did in his day, “Yeah, I know, but you’ve never settled with one in a long time. You’re 20 years old, you’re still young!”

“I know, I don’t need a lecture, especially from you. Where’s the money?” You showed him the envelope and he was about to take it. You moved it back making him puzzled, “This is the last one that I’m giving you this year.”

“What? Why?”

“Get a job or something! You graduated high school and University early and ended with a 4.0 GPA. Instead of earning 100 grand or more each year, you’re asking you sister for money and going out drinking.”

“Like I said, I don’t need a lecture.”

“I’m being serious, you can easily get hired. You have good looks, good grades, you could be living the life, but you’re living in a crappy house in one of the most dangerous parts of the city.”

“Brings excitement in my life.” You heard honking and yelling down the street.

“YO CARTER, HURRY UP!”

“YEAH MAN, LET ME JUST GET MY JACKET!” He went back in his house and you turned around, “Hi, Josh, haven’t seen you in a while.”

He waved at you and the others in the car, whom were unrecognizable, looked at you, “Oh (y/n), wanna come with?” You smiled and answered mockingly, “I’m good, I have a life.”

He laughed and grew silent. “Funny.” Your brother finally came out and nudged you, “Okay, bye sis.”

“Bye Carter, stay safe!” Your brother jumped into the car and they drove off. You laughed and entered your car. You drove away and down the street, then stopped at the one spot where you met Jimin. You still remember everything like it was just yesterday. You were walking down the street and saw him on the floor. He looked so scared, but seeing him now and how happy he is, it made you feel warm inside. You drove down the street a bit more and you reach the entrance of the neighborhood, when something caught your eye. A guy and a girl were at a front porch making out. He had the same stature as Jimin, the same clothes that he wore today when he visited you at your house. You got out of your car and you legs moved of their own. You ran to the house, blocking every sound, every catcall that was being made to you, you’re eyes were only on them. You were getting closer and heard their conversation.

“I’ll see you next week, same time?” She said.

“Yeah.” He kissed her again.

“I’ll never get used to that Jimin.” Your whole world turned. You stopped running and was metres away from them.

“Jimin?” You softly whispered. His head slowly turned to you. You saw his face, and he saw yours. Your heart dropped to your stomach, a tear fell from your face. Jimin let go of (g/n) and they both stood there awkwardly.

“(G/n) you go back inside.” Jimin said. “(G/n), why did that sound familiar?”

“No! Who is this bitch?” She yelled. “Hello? (G/n), where’s Jimin?”

“Please (g/n), JUST GET BACK INSIDE!” Jimin yelled. “I’m not (g/n), or whoever she is.” That’s right, he had a girlfriend. They never broke up?” You stood there, looking at Jimin while (g/n) walked inside her house.

“(Y/n) it’s not what it looks like.” He walked down the stairs and held your hand. You were frozen in place, but you finally got the strength to talk, “Yo-you’re still dating (g/n)?”

He looked back at the door then at you, “I-I’m not dating her, I’m just…” Rage filled inside of you, you never got mad at anything, but this, this was just ridiculous, “YOU’RE NOT DATING HER?! THEN WHY WERE YOU KISSING HER? AND NEXT WEEK? SAME TIME? YOU’VE BEEN MEETING HER EVERY SUNDAY? YOU SAID YOU HAD PRACTICE!”

Jimin looked at you and held your other hand,“No, baby-” You cut him off, “Don’t call me baby. You lied to me! Just to cheat on me? Am I not good enough for you?” So many thoughts went through your head. “Was it my fault? Was I just not loving enough?”

He was taken back, you didn’t do anything, and you immediately blamed yourself. “No! Let me explain. Re-remember when I passed out a few weeks ago? I do drugs okay? I didn’t want to tell you, I didn’t think you would love me anymore.”

Tears were welling up in your eyes, drops rolling down your cheek, you could barely speak, “I wouldn’t care if you did drugs, if you were a stripper, if you did anything illegal, I would still love you! You made me so happy, so loved, your flaws would vanish.” Jimin felt relieved for a moment, but that soon went away. Your tone became serious and stared at him straight in the eye, “But you cheated on me, that’s a different story. You lied to me about who you are. No wonder you never talked about your high school or university years. You tried to keep it a secret. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

He looked at you, and squeezed your hand, “No no, it’s me. The one who loves you with all his life.” You forced his hand off of yours, “If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t cheat on me.” Jimin became speechless, his members were right, his worst nightmare became true, “I’m done with you. What we had, it’s gone. Bye Jimin.” You turned around and started to walk away. He grabbed your hand and stopped you. He fell on his knees and begged. His voice was soft, you felt a tear fall on your hand, “Please, no. I love you, I’m sorry.”

You tried your hardest not to turned around. You bit your lip and swallowed the lump in your throat, “It’s too late for that.” You pulled away and ran to your car leaving Jimin on the floor. Your vision was blurry from the tears that were falling down your cheeks. You made it to your car and drove back home.

Jimin got back to the dorms. His eyes were puffy, his cheeks were red, he was a total mess. Everyone was in the living room watching a movie. Jin was the first to notice him sulking, “Jimin, are you okay?”

He walked slowly away from the door, taking off his shoes, “She, she found out.” He fell on the floor and everyone rushed to him.

“(Y/n) found out? How?” Tae asked.

“I-I need her back. I need to win her back!” He pushed himself up and grabbed a hold of the door knob. They stopped him. They lifted him up and walked to his room, they then placed him on his bed, “I need her back. Please, what do I do. I should’ve listened to you guys. WHY DO I NEVER LISTEN!” They tried to calm him down, they brought him water and tissues.

“Okay Jimin, the first thing you need to do, you need to break up with (g/n).” Hoseok explained. Jimin shook his head looking scared for his life, “I can’t do it. I could never do it!”

“It’s either (g/n) or (y/n).” Jungkook said.

“I want (y/n), but I cannot break up with her. I need to get my fi-” his phone rang. It was Mr. Kim. Jimin sniffled and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hello Jimin?”

“Speaking.”

“I wanted to call and ask if you needed help with your drug problem. I know someone who can help you.” Jimin sat up straight and finally felt a beacon of hope.

“Yes! Yes please, I need the help.”

“Okay, I shall inform her. She’s my sister, you can trust her with your secret.”

“Yes, Mr. Kim, thank you!”

“No problem my child.” He hung up.

“What did he say?” Namjoon asked.

“I think I’m one step closer to getting back with (y/n).”

A few weeks later.

You broke with Jimin a couple of weeks ago and never heard anything since. You were hoping for a phone call, text message, something, but nothing came. You had a day off and wanted to stay home and relax. It was summer which meant you could go outside and enjoy the sun, but you had no energy. You were still hung up on how you broke up with him. You didn’t want to contact him because you were the one that ended things. You drank with your brother and his friends from time to time, it helped a little.

You lounged on your couch and stared at the ceiling. “I could go out for ice cream, or shaved ice. Ouuu that sounds nice. But I’m too lazy. First world problems, there are people who would do anything to be in my spot. Okay, let’s go out today. You deserve it!” You got up and opened your closet. You looked through everything and your last outfit was the white skirt and pink collared shirt. The memories came rushing back. A jacket fell from the top of your closet, it was Jimin’s. You held it in his arms, it still smelled like him. You put it down on your bed and teared up a little. You turned towards you drawer and took a light blue crop top and a black skirt. You finished putting your clothes on when you heard a knock on your door. You ran down the stairs and opened up. You looked up at a familiar face that once made you laugh, made you feel loved, then hurt you. It was Jimin.

“Hey!” He scratched the back of his head and looked at you, “I know I haven’t contacted you in a long time.” You were happy to see him, but you didn’t know what came over you and acted rude towards him, “It’s only been a few weeks.”

“Okay, good point, but it felt like centuries for me.” You felt your heart beating faster at the words he said. He was still the sweet guy you fell in love with, “I know we broke up, but I really do love you!”

“Huh, okay. Prove it.” You felt like you were being a bit too harsh on him, but he did break your heart.

“Okay, well, I was put into rehab so my habits wouldn’t interfere with us IF we ever got back together. My treatment is almost done, so I’m going to be out of there soon. And, I broke up with (g/n).” You felt a wave of relief. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you to be honest. If I haven’t met you, I wouldn’t be able to break up with her. Long story short, I couldn’t do anything about it. She was the one that influenced me to do drugs, to do so many horrible, horrible things, but you pulled me out of it. I tried to get away from her, but you saved me. You taught me how to smile again, you brought out the old me. I now know, you are the chance that was given to me, to get my life back.” Jimin got down on one knee and pulled a box out, “I know we broke up, but I can’t live my life without you. (Y/n), will you marr-” You interrupted him by kissing him on the lips. You pulled away and tapped your finger on your lips pretending to think again.

“Hmm, I don’t know…” He smiled and already knew the answer. He got up and held you in a loving embrace.

“I love you so much (y/n).” He whispered in your ear.

“I love you too.”

[pastordorry-blog]

Forgiveness

Lord’s Prayer Week 5

Matthew 18:21-35

February 10, 2019

           Some of the parables Jesus tells are hard to understand, but I think we’ve got a no-brainer on our hands today.  Even without his words of warning at the end, we have no trouble getting the point:  Since God has forgiven us of our debts, debts we could never repay on our own, we should forgive the debts of others.  Easy, right?  Ha!  Forgiveness may be simple in theory, but it can be pretty complicated in practice.

Phil and I bought our first house back in the early 90’s in a little town called North Wales.  It’s in Montgomery County, just off Route 202, about 8 miles north of Norristown.  It was a cute little rancher with a cute little yard on a cute, quiet street.  But even though the street was quiet, it could get crowded.  Most of the houses either didn’t have a driveway or had a driveway that only fit one car.  So there were a lot of cars parked on the street.  We were only there a year or so when one morning when I was running late for work, I backed out the driveway and—you guessed it, bam!  I backed right in to the car of the man who lived across the street and one house over from us.

I knocked on his door, apologized, gave him my insurance information, etc.  Everything was fine…until about a year later, I backed out of the driveway with a different car and hit his car again!  This time, I felt so much shame, for a few seconds I toyed with the idea of just driving away and pretending as if nothing had happened.  But of course, something did happen.  And this time it was worse.  He had started working second shift, so when I knocked on his door at 7:30 in the morning, he had still been asleep.  Again, I apologized and gave him my insurance information, and thankfully, he was pretty calm.  But honestly, as I tell you this story, I can feel the shame rising up inside me once again—and this happened 25 years ago!

I don’t know why I feel so much shame about these backing up accidents, because I am in good company.  About a year later, a different neighbor—the person who lived next door to the man whose car I hit twice—was leaving for work and backed in to our car, which was parked on the street.  A few years after that, that house had changed hands, and the new person who bought it backed in to our car.  Keep in mind, we tried most of the time to just put both of our cars in the narrow driveway, and if we had to park on the street, we tried not to park where it seemed someone would easily hit us!  But despite all our strategery, the residents of Washington Avenue did their part to keep North Wales Auto Body in business!

I tell you this story because, no matter how old we are, we are people who still need to learn to say grace.  I don’t mean we need to memorize a prayer to say before we eat our meals.  Some people call that a blessing, the prayer you say before a meal, but we always called it “Saying Grace”.  And in my house, both growing up myself and when our kids were growing up, we always said the same prayer:  God is great, God is good, let us thank God for our food.  By his hands we all are fed; grant us, Lord, our daily bread.

Do you know that prayer?  That is how I said grace for most of my life. There’s nothing wrong with that.  But we need to learn to “say grace” in situations besides meals.  Last week Pastor Brad pointed out that most of us don’t rely on prayer for our daily bread.  We have the resources to buy all the food we need and then some.  So he rightly encouraged us to think about daily bread as not just physical food, but spiritual food.  There is a whole menu of spiritual practices we could engage in to help us get to know God better and feast on God’s love.

I thought that was a great sermon.  But I think Jesus knew that, no matter how good the sermon is, we might not seek spiritual daily bread unless something makes us realize how hungry we are.  And so Jesus followed up the line, “Give us this day our daily bread” with, “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”  The practice of forgiveness is so important to Jesus that he goes on to say that we will not be forgiven our sins if we don’t forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15).  For some people, getting enough food to eat is a matter of life and death.  Few people in our neck of the woods have to worry about literally starving to death.  But when it comes to spiritual bread, our ability—or inability—to forgive, that shows us just how hungry we really are. Learning to say grace is a matter of life and death for us!

And yet, even though learning to forgive is a matter of spiritual life and death, forgiveness is one of the most difficult subjects we ever have to talk about in church.  Ask any pastor, they will tell you that they have sat with many hurt people who are struggling to forgive because they have been sinned against.  It seems insensitive to tell people they have to forgive when, quite possibly, I cannot even begin to imagine the hell they have experienced.  But I also think we have a hard time talking about forgiveness because we ourselves are sinners.  Even though we are very happy to sing, “Amazing Grace” and name it as one of our all-time favorite hymns, there is a part to each of us that it still very reluctant to admit that we need grace.

At least, I know I am.  When I first wrote this sermon, earlier this week, I had a different story at the beginning.  A story about someone else’s mistake and their struggle to forgive themselves.  I told myself I was using that story because no one wants to come to church and hear the pastor talk about herself or himself every week!  But that wasn’t sitting right with me, and I felt God nudging me to tell you about my bad driving.  I would like to point out, though, in my defense, and knock on wood, I haven’t hit anything with my car since 2011, so I’ve gotten better.  Just don’t want you to be afraid to ride with me.  Pastor Brad told me my driving is a lot better than Pastor Bob’s…

Okay, I need to get back on track.  The point is, forgiving other people is not the only demanding aspect to forgiveness.  Forgiving ourselves isn’t easy, either!  Those car accidents were not sins—they were simply mistakes.  I had intended no ill-will toward my neighbor.  But afterwards, I struggled with ill-will toward myself.  I was having trouble saying grace to myself. Instead of enjoying God’s grace, and feeling good about doing the right thing and knocking on his door and making things right with my neighbor, I have been feeling shame.  Instead of God’s voice telling me I am a beloved child even if I dent the car, the voice that stuck inside my head was the man at the auto body shop.  “Geez lady, when are you going to learn to use your mirrors?”  

As I look back on it now, I think he needed to learn to say grace, too.  And I have a feeling there’s not a single person in this room who isn’t hungry.  We all need to learn to say grace to ourselves so we can then say it to others.

In our gospel lesson today, the servant who owed much to the king never learned to say grace.  He was forgiven his debt and set free to start a new.  We would think he would be so thankful for this second chance that he would have gladly forgiven the servant who owed him a little.  But even though the debt of money was wiped clean, but his soul was still hurting.  He was ashamed that he had amassed that much debt in the first place.  He was sorry he had embarrassed himself.  I think he felt like a failure for putting his family at risk. He was still a man in need of a savior.

And we are people in need of a savior, too.  It would be so nice if the world were populated by perfect people.  But that is not just wishful thinking, it’s actually a very harmful fantasy.  Jesus said it is the truth, not fantasy, that will set us free. When we pray The Lord’s Prayer, we can accept the truth of our individual and collective brokenness.  We all owe debts we could never begin to repay on our own, which is one of the reasons we call it the “good news” of the gospel.  God’s love for us is so great, we don’t need to earn it, or buy it, or negotiate for it. It’s just grace, freely given. Thanks be to God!

But it seems to me there is a shadow side at work in us, too.  If we are uncomfortable being regular human beings with foibles and limitations and bad driving records and at times a pretty lame batting average against the temptations pitched at us, the grace that is meant to free us instead makes us feel ashamed.  It makes us angry and defensive.  It can make us demanding and self-righteous.  The king granted grace to the servant, but instead of making him happy, it made him mean. He could not accept his own sinfulness for having gotten so far in debt in the first place, so he projected his judgment on to his colleague who owned him something.

People are made in God’s image, and therefore, we are all able to love.  But our ability to love ourselves and others is always limited by our unmet needs, by our brokenness, by our immaturity.  God loves us with a perfect love.  Roman Catholic priest Henri Nouwen calls this our “first love”.  But people can only love with a “second” love.  Even the people we love the most—our parents, our spouses, our children—they deserve our perfect love, but we do not have perfect love to give them. We don’t even have perfect love to give to ourselves.

That is why God sent Jesus to us:  to hand deliver God’s first love to the human race. Jesus said, “I no longer call you servants, now I call you friends.”  When is the last time you did something to deepen your friendship with God?  It is friendship with God that helps us become more forgiving.  It is receiving God’s unconditional love for ourselves allows us to offer it to others. This is why forgiveness has nothing to do with whether or not the offending person ever apologizes or changes. Forgiveness comes from having an encounter with God in our heart.

However, I must make this clear:  being required to forgive does NOT mean it is holy to tolerate abuse.  Forgiveness is like grease for our relationships—it lubricates things so we can live and work together productively and peacefully, in life-giving ways.  It is never meant to keep a person bound in a structure or relationship that is intent on snuffing out or diminishing life.  Forgive yes; allow yourself to be a victim, No! God does not want us to be separated from experiencing full and abundant life by our own sin—or someone else’s.  

At my first appointment, there were two sisters in the congregation who hadn’t spoken to each other in years.  Yet, even though the supposedly never spoke to each other, they had arranged a system so that they would never be in church together on the any given Sunday.  One or the other of them was usually present, but not both.  Even weirder was how, when I talked to a couple of the previous pastors, they noticed the same thing I did:  that every time the sermon was about forgiveness, neither of the sisters were in church!  

Can you imagine what a blessing it would have been to that family, and that congregation, if those sisters would have learned to say grace?  I imagine if you could interview those sisters, each one would say, “Well if my sister would apologize, I would forgive her.”  But forgiveness is a spiritual transaction that takes place in a person’s heart because they have encountered God’s grace.  It is not dependent upon the circumstances or attitude or contrition of the other person.  To be a Christian is to be a person who wears the name of Christ in the world.  That means we do in the world the things Jesus did—and Jesus’ very last act on earth was to forgive the people who crucified him. God’s forgiveness is so passionately offered to the world that we might sum up Christianity in one word:  grace.

So let’s learn to say grace.  All we have to do is go back to the very first words of the Lord’s Prayer:  Our Father. As we pray, we can take the entire weight of the world’s collective sin, “Our” sin, our brokenness, our poignant humanity—even my brokenness, my poignant humanity--and place it side by side with our Father.  A Father so merciful and loving, He sent us his Son.  Our Father.  That is how we learn to say grace.  Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.  Amen.  

 Benediction:  Many of us grew up hearing that if we put our trust in Jesus and confess our sins and repent, God will forgive us.  But the reality is, we are not forgiven because we repent.  We are forgiven because we forgive.  Go in peace, and serve your Lord.  Amen.

[river-mp-song]

Just A Dumb Rant About My Life and Problems

There are so many things wrong with my life. I feel so stuck in the circumstances that I’m in. People have told me to simply get out of it/them but it’s not that simple. 

What don’t people fucking get about having an abdominal problem that makes you unable to eat for days and vomit constantly or being unable to sleep or drink water because of it? I quite literally am on a pain scale of 8-9 on a GOOD day. That’s not including having severe fibromyalgia and being in constant pain. I suffer from cluster migraines multiple times weekly which calls for many ER visits so they don’t become dangerous. Plus I have a cyst on my ovary which FUCKING SUCKS if you don’t know and to top off the copious amount of physical health problems I have that haven’t mentioned, I have developed kidney stones which adds to the not eating and vomiting and stomach pain. Yay, fun. Oh, and seizures, but that’s mental and we’ll get to that last.

Now, I just started taking Microeconomics. I need this to 1. Save my relationship with my father and little brother (which I will come back to) 2. Get my High School Diploma and 3. Get my Associate’s Degree. 1 and 2 are related and 3 is all for me. All of these should be for me but alas, no. My life was not meant for me to live. 

Here’s a little background: My dad wasn’t the best or even the okayest dad growing up. In fact, I resented him so much. He abused me, my younger brother, and my mom. I stole money from him as a revenge. Even though I admitted it and have tried to repay some of it, my parents got divorced a year after I was supposed to graduate, and the year my brother went into High School. He took my brother one day and just left.(2010-11) He left me with my mom. (She had a fall at work and had multiple surgeries in her shoulders and knees rendering her disabled.) I don’t even remember if he told me he loved me. I just remember him taking my brother and crying as he walked out the front door to the house we lost shortly after. I lost my family, and it was all my fault. My mom ended up becoming more depressed than she already was. She lost her son. I lost half of my family. Fast forward 5 years (2015) and he finally lets me back in his life but it’s conditional and my brother now thinks exactly like my dad. It’s terrifying. I hate myself to this day because it’s my fault they divorced, my fault my family fell apart, my fault that I couldn’t stop this, my fault that I failed my family. Anyways, back to the always-fun microeconomics and why I told you this dumb story.

I took AP Economics in High School. I’m not a bad student. I’m actually quite smart and end up helping people. However, in High School, I had a shit teacher, who ONLY spoke about current events, NEVER had tests, NEVER had homework. I missed a week of school towards the end of my SENIOR YEAR due to being hospitalized for a bad cluster migraine. I came back and she told me that I missed not one, not two, but THIRTY FUCKING TWO ASSIGNMENTS and NO I was not allowed to have them. I then went to the Dean, again she refused to give the (non-existent) assignments, then called in my parents, at which point she said she would but never did and failed me at the end which caused me to never officially graduate High School. Now I’m taking courses in college and passing with Honors and being on the Dean’s list with the exception of two semesters as I’ve taken this course twice (dropped the first time [online honors course] and dropped by the teacher the 2nd for missing a midterm due to having a seizure on campus and taken to an ER). 

MICROECONOMICS: The course I need to obtain my degree in Automotive and also my High School Diploma (NOT MY G.E.D.). It’s also the course I need to keep my Dad and brother in my life for good or lose them forever. He gave me an ultimatum. I have to pass this course or he is done with me. He will never speak to me again. Which mean my brother won’t, my Uncle won’t (whom I love very much and he already doesn’t talk to me and it breaks my heart), and the rest of my dad’s side of the family won’t. I will genuinely lose half of my family if I fail this 5-week course. I am so scared of losing them even if it’s a shitty relationship and I don’t see them often, maybe once every couple months despite them being a few blocks from me. My heart hurts.. I immediately start shaking as soon as I enter the classroom. I honestly don’t understand Econ and it’s my HS teachers’ fault. She never taught so I don’t get it. I’ve tried so hard with no avail. 

My mental health has been just fucked the hell up lately. I was diagnosed with severe/chronic depression when I was ten. Then I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 12 (later turned into severe/chronic anxiety when I was 13) and chronic bipolar when I was 14. I developed seizures from taking Tramadol and now I only get seizures when I have a panic attack. Now, I really don’t care if I get backlash for this part because if you are the type of person to say ANYTHING AT ALL NEGATIVE TO ME FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS, YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF, but I was raped twice within a year near the neighborhood we moved to recently by different people. (Yes, I filed a report. Yes, I spoke to a police sketch artist. Yes, I went to the hospital and had a rape kit done. Yes, I followed up. No, neither were caught.) Now I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have attempted suicide 4 times. Once landed me in a coma. I’ve been institutionalized multiple times. Every time helped a little bit. The most recent time helped the most but I fear I’m backtracking. 

I don’t have a lot of friends but I have a group of close ones. I smile and laugh a lot but majority of the time it’s fake. I used to show when I was going through something but not anymore. I used to talk to my friends about what’s going on, but not anymore. I’m afraid I’m bothering them. I feel so alone. So empty. I have a tendency as of late, to get very real and show how I’m feeling and immediately change the subject like what I just said didn’t happen. It confuses the other person to the point where they forget what I had said and they move on. I don’t really have any best friends. I have one person I may call my best friend but she isn’t. I know I’m kidding myself. I don’t have a best friend. She really used to be, but she moved away in middle school. We’ve kept in touch and when she comes out, she’s my best friend, but otherwise, we’re strangers. I’m the only one in my group who doesn’t have someone to confide in. I can’t trust anyone to keep what I tell them in confidence. I feel like I’m dying inside. I’m losing my will to live, to go on. I want to. I want my dreams to come true. I want someone to read this and tell me it will be okay but I know it won’t happen. Anyways, there was a reason I was talking about my mental health, physical health, microeconomics, and my family, so here goes.

The first day in Micro, I had a panic attack because I couldn’t comprehend the word problems. I started shaking and panicking. After a few minutes of trying to graph the supply and demand curves and failing, I start to silently cry. I had to step out because I started going numb. (I have an aura before my seizures and this felt like it). I sat down outside and cried while trying to catch my breath. A woman stopped, asked if I was okay and I told her I was just having a hard time in Economics, that I was just trying to get my bindings, and she gave me a pep talk and hug. I went back in and at the end of class, spoke to the Professor and he said he’d help me. Today, walking into class, I immediately got tingling in my face, shaking in my hands, hard time breathing, but it was a little easier. My dad hasn’t called. I should expect as much.

My health is preventing so much of my life from being lived. The pain prevents me from actually doing the things I love; from excelling at the things I’m good at. Both my physical and mental states are seemingly deteriorating despite how hard I’m trying. I keep telling myself You’re trying, you’re doing your best, it’s okay. But it’s not. I’m seeing doctors and surgeons, I’m going to school to get a good job to save up and move out on my own and have my own life. But I don’t have a job right now. I can’t get one because if I divert any attention from this economics course and not pass, I lose my family again and permanently and I can’t have that...I can’t lose anyone else. So in the meantime, I’ve focused on my health, which makes my dad upset because I don’t a job to him back. I don’t have a job to pay for anything. “I just have to get through the next 5 weeks,” I say to myself, “Maybe he’ll love you more if you get you High School Diploma, maybe you be a failure to him.” I literally do not have a drivers license because the courts temporarily revoked it due to my seizures. I CANNOT DRIVE. BY LAW.  My ENTIRE FUTURE is in Automotive. No dealership will take me like this. This is all I’ve been working for. I’ve been watching all year as everything I’ve been working for gets taken from me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

People keep telling to me to get out of my “situation” but my “situation” is complicated...and unfair...and lonely. I don’t have support keeping me going. I have anger, resentment, contempt, and fake smiles and laughter from all sides. I feel like everyone is here to point fingers and wants to tell me what to do but hasn’t been in my situation or a situation similar. I cannot get an income, I cannot work without risking people that I love, so now I get to watch my dreams go further and further into the distance until it disappears. maybe I should just disappear.

I’ve been crying as I type up this whole dumb post. This whole thing is dumb. I’m  dumb. I don’t have friends, and if I do, and I introduce them to literally anyone else, they hang out with them and I’m left out permanently. I have to lie to myself and tell myself that I have friends. Does anyone know how sad that is? To be surrounded by people you know and know that none of them are really your friends? That you can’t just hit them up and hang out and talk and confide in them and have movie nights and go on adventures together.

I don’t have friends. I keep asking myself what I can do to fix this.  What am I doing wrong? Am I too loud? Too quiet? Do I talk too much? Do I get excited too easily? Do I not talk enough? Am I boring? What’s wrong with me that people always leave me? I’m told I’m “too much” almost everyday by someone who says they love me. Am I “too much”?  How do I fix me so I’m acceptable for love? Do I just not deserve it? Am I that undeserving?

I guess so.

[uniquewastelandmiracle-blog]

7:54-8:27 PM May 9, 2017

Even though I have only made 11 posts before this one, every time I even remotely skim through them I shudder in disgust. Why? I think I am embarrassed with myself for not finding a way or two to brighten my life and be happy. But if something isn’t going as planned, and if the turn of events isn’t eventful, you have every right to be upset about it.  In my 6 classes I my worst grades have been 1 b & 1 C+ and I am in fact very certain that the same asshole that gave me a C+ on a course of death will also give me a C or less. If I do get another C from him, I’m marching down to that bitch’s office and demanding to have his brain checked. That’s not what I am here to speak about today.

I am overwhelmed…OVERWHELMED in my head and heart from reading about the abuse of women- particularly those of color ignited by men- particularly those who are “whites”. I have truly begun to loathe men with all my being. This isn’t from my biological father not wanting me because I was a girl- surprise surprised. I still got extremely lucky and gained two wonderful father figures instead. 1. Was my maternal grandpa who was incredibly feared in our society, worked with Gandhi and the first Prime Minister of India post-Independence as a civil servant, and was ready to send a gang of thugs to “take care” of my biological father for his repulsion towards my gender and took care of me along with 2. His Son, also my uncle, also my mom’s brother who told her he’d never get married and raise me like his own daughter so that she could go work and earn money- even though he was an engineer and a business owner himself. I don’t know many brothers- especially not “mine” that would sacrifice their ability to get married, have sex for the first time (yup he waited till he was married), give up their entire job, and never have a child of their own just for my mother, his sister that he was always sheltered under, would be able to raise me.  I guess that is one hell of a way to repay a caring sister. Sometimes I wonder why someone with a personality like my uncle’s couldn’t have been my father instead. My mother would have never had to suffer like she did.

I still remember meeting my step dad and I immediately did not like him. I remember what I was- I looked wonderful, and he always sent us chocolate, clothes, purses, jewelry, and other presents I can’t think of from America. Even before I met him I was getting things. And my mother nearly divorced him only weeks after marrying when she found out he didn’t even live in India- and that she’d have to get a passport, a visa, become a resident of a country she once never thought of visiting, learn to say more than hello, sorry, and thank you in English, and say goodbye to her family. After saying goodbye to my grandpa on the airport as we left India for the first time, we never saw him again because he did in his sleep two years after and we didn’t have a green card to go back. No one saw it coming. Just going to sleep as usual and never waking up again. While the bad news was hidden from me and I cried when I found out, today I do not miss him that much though.

So, 600 words in, and I still haven’t told my origin of man-hate. It surely wasn’t my step brothers. I literally don’t even know them. And it wasn’t my asshole of a stepdad either, because my friends’ fathers and mothers were always here to help when I needed them.

It was what happened to others. It was the statistics, the amount of pain other women whom I’d never even met endured. I was only lucky. And so was every other woman in my family. Violence against women is so common, that women like myself should be lucky that at this point no one has messed with me. *Knocks on wood*. I wonder when or how this luck or shelter of mine will run out on me.

At last I have all the proof I need to stay the fuck away from men for good. I used to think one day I would have a boyfriend and then marry him and reproduce- but I’ve become so distrustful of men that I won’t even take a class with a male professor anymore. I’ve decided to stop wearing as much as makeup, quit being so feminine (how’d I even start??) and never watch porn ever again. I won’t list all the things they have done- and do as a majority. I am convinced that my purpose- one of them is to help women. Of color. I have no idea how I’ll be able to do this. I’ll need so much money. I hope I can earn and by working my ass off.