#(i have yet to decide if this is actually because of paul or if paul is actually using the “moral failure” meaning of hamartia and khata/?)

[idylls-of-the-divine-romance]

Forever walking the line of "Words technically do not mean anything people mean things by words" and "I am a writer and an amateur (og meaning) theologian and as such the meaning of words, especially etymologically, is really important to me"

[cosmictheo]

𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐒 | feyd-rautha

( gif credits to @wondrousashes )

—summary: on a calm day back at your home, you shattered away the serenity as you decide to confront feyd about his alleged concubines and the little secrets he seemed so cautious to hide, pushing him further and further to the edge. —pairing: feyd-rautha harkonnen x female!atreides!reader —word count: 4k —warnings: arranged marriage, jealousy, a bit of implied smut (the actual smut is coming up in the next and last chapter !!!), mentions of sex, mentions of cannibalism, feyd being a slut for the reader (as he should), mentions of killing and death, hot and very passionate love confessions, definitely ooc!feyd.

writer’s note: english is not my mother tongue, so please forgive me if there is a grammatical error. hope you like it!

ᯓ★ part one ── part two ── part three (coming soon)

The week at Giedi Prime went by so fast that you hardly noticed any of it. The first day had been a bit slow and tedious, but the ones that followed turned out to be more than agreeable and enjoyable, Feyd-Rautha had been very concerned about keeping you entertained and as comfortable as possible, showing you every corner of the palace and walking you around the city.

But for now, you were back at your home for the last visit you would have there before becoming a Harkonnen. Feyd was staying close to you through all the reunion, naturally, diplomatically greeting your family.

“You met his cannibal lovers yet?” Paul's voice echoed inside your head between Feyd's conversations with Duke Leto, your gaze drifting to your brother in absolute alarm, horrified at the question and relieved that, so far, the answer was negative.

“There are rumors that tell how his concubines feed on the hearts of his dead opponents.” Your brother propelled you with the oh-so-cute information about your future husband. “The bastard has not one, but three. I guess you'll have to battle it out with them for his love, that was Duncan said.”

“Stop it, don't be an idiot.” You snapped back at him, averting your gaze from him to Feyd-Rautha, who was conversing ever so formally with Lady Jessica now.

You couldn't imagine him eating of human flesh, nor fucking three different women at the same time. Although, rumors always started from something and during the few times you had been able to get inside Feyd's head, you hadn't seen anything that was remotely pretty or light.

Paul's words managed to resonate in your head, lingering between the walls with a sense of suspicion.

Maybe that was why he never showed you the intimacy of his chambers... because on his bed lay three women compliantly awaiting for his attention and lust.

For some reason, the false image of him fucking them, bodies intertwined and interlinked, voices whimpering and moaning, made you feel respulsive, your guts twisting like a serpent.

You didn't want to believe it was jealousy, but again, your mind never wanted you to believe anything at all.

The palace of the Atreides stood majestically between rocky mountains, with the golden sunlight falling beautifully on the grayish stone walls, bringing in a warm afternoon. Rising magnificently behind your back, standing like a rocky guardian.

Your gaze was on Feyd-Rautha as you walked together along the outskirts balconies of the castle, your greenish dress swaying in the sea breeze, as did your hair, which you wore unusually loose that day, the sweet smell of it had him crazy.

“Do you like it?” You asked him after a few moments of silence, with a hint of a smile that Feyd noticed as he turned to look at you, noticing as well how you waited expectantly for his opinion of your home, which he knew you always held close to your heart.

After a second, he nodded his head, looking at you intently. “I do.”

His blue eyes, which looked as clear as ever under the natural glow of the place followed you as you walked beside him, keeping himself close to you, he could feel the natural warmth of your body and the sweet smell of your scent.

It was the first time you saw his eyes showing their true color, for back in his home, they rarely reflected so much brightness and his orbs glowed so beautifully in the sunlight. They possessed the most beautiful shade of blue, reminding you of the ocean, of home.

“It's nothing like my home.” Feyd-Rautha added in a more amused, lighter tone of voice, with a tiny smirk tugging at the corner of his lips, lowering his gaze to the ground, noting how the grass softened each of his steps on it.

“Obviously. Caladan is everything that Giedi Prime and Arrakis are not.” You answered him, snorting the words out with a soft chuckle that was carried away by the wind, turning your head to look at him once you stopped at the edge of a greenish cliff after descending one of the many rocky staircases that rose up through the hills.

The sea stretched into the immensity of the horizon and the water was uncommonly calm, waves lapping the shore relentlessly. It was a calm and peaceful scene out there, quite the opposite of what you felt inside, as you felt a tempest of emotions raging in your soul.

“Have you been with someone else like this?”

There was another one of your little questions again.

And he pondered the answer, dragging his eyes as blue as the ocean itself in front of them, back to you.

But Feyd-Rautha was rather certain that you already knew the answer, that you already had it, you could tell by the way he looked at you and the way he addressed you. Because it was enough to be clear that he had never been this way with anyone before, he had never spoken to anyone like this and he had never been so pleased to be in someone's company, basically in his entire life.

“The only people I've ever had this close to me are my family or my enemies, neither of whom I think entertain my presence very much.” Was his reply, honest and respectful. His husky voice, in contrast to the graceful sea breeze was a pleasant and comforting noise to you.

His words were masked with a touch of amusement, as he used to do in the last days when he spoke to you, it seemed as if you brought back that inner child he had, a stranger who felt increasingly closer.

But even using that tone, his eyes told you that he was not lying, that he was giving you the pure truth.

Yet, somehow you were not satisfied with his response. And he knew it.

“Have you been with other women?”

Feyd drew in a breath, half-opening his lips, air hissing between his teeth.

“So I'm assuming you've heard about the rumors about me?”

And there he was, answering you with another question to challenge you back, to play with your head as he had grown to love to do during the short time you had been in each other's company. Your conversations always ended up being a game of back and forth, a game of a tension that would be cut with the least sharp blade.

“My future wife likes to guide what she believes by mere rumors?” He pressed further.

And as always, you exhaled the air held inside you, twisting your head slightly, looking at him with incredulous eyes. “These are not rumors, Feyd —I've seen it.”

His blue eyes narrowed as he walked closer to you, expression both intrigued and yet defiant. “What do you mean you've seen it? Don't play games with me now, woman.”

“Don't threaten me, man,” You squinted your eyes as you pronounced the word like poison, almost coming out like an insult. “I'm not afraid of you.” With your own response to his defiance, this immediately silenced him, stopping him in his tracks right in front of you, as you stepped closer to him, your presence growing menacing now. You were really upset. “Do you think that when I marry you I will allow you to go on screwing around with them?”

“You met them and they threatened you?” Feyd asked in a low tone, maintaining a calm demeanor, though he wanted to know if any of his concubines had dared to even glance at you during your stay at Giedi Prime. His orbs reflected a sensation that ranged to a murderous, bloodthirsty urge, not at you, but at anyone who was stupid enough to threaten you. “Tell me, did they say anything to you?”

You crooked your head very slightly, looking genuinely offended by his questioning.

“Do you think I would allow any of your concubines —anyone at all— to threaten me and go on with their lives?” You replied instantly, looking him up and holding his gaze, as brave as ever. You seemed to be the only one in the whole universe who dared to answer him and put him in his place. And he was loving it, he felt the desire to be broken by you, to let you destroy all his walls and reach his soul. “They'd already be dead if they did.”

An amused grimace twisted his lips, gaze darkening with pride, desire even, approving of your words, feeling suddenly small under the vastness of your aura, dark and menacing now.

“Don't worry about them.” His words sounded humorous this time, just as his fingers laced between yours, he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, an attempt to reassure you. “Soon I'll be all yours, sweet girl.”

You frowned your brow slightly, as did your lips, still looking offended. He squinted his eyes, hissing as he realized he had said the wrong thing, yet again.

“I'm not sweet.” Your hand released his, your annoyance rising with the seconds. “I'm not one of your pets you can treat as sweet, Feyd-Rautha.”

He raised his brow, following you with his gaze, puzzled, as you turned around and began to walk back to the palace, turning your back on him and leaving him to talk alone.

“One of my pets?” He questioned, with that amused grimace plastered on his mouth again, as he began to follow your hurried footsteps, his pale face reflected a blend of frustration and irritation. “Do you think I would treat you like one of my pets?”

His voice sounded so husky and frustrated and delicious that you felt like just stopping and jumping on him right there. But your own self-respect and pride were more important, you wanted to believe.

Seeing that you weren't planning to stop, Feyd tried to stop you by grabbing your arm, but his hand remained over your smooth skin, with no major result in trying to calm you down, so he cleared his voice, making the attempt to be as cautious and reassuring with his words.

“I think you must understand that desire and lust is something we all possess, my lady, not just men.”

He was physically relieved when you stopped to be able to look at him, with his hand lingering on your forearm.

But your eyes were still dark with discomfort when they met his once again. “I won't be one of your girls, Feyd-Rautha.”

His lips parted, brow furrowing slightly, his voice kept low. “(Y/N)—”

He stood right there, utterly speechless, with his voice caught in his throat, watching you walk away from him, striding with steps that exuded pure anger up to your rocky palace. His hand dropped from your arm and returned to his side, now far from your warmth and heartbeat.

It took Feyd-Rautha a couple of minutes to pull himself together, sighing heavily, a small smirk curving his lips as he began to walk the path back to the Atreides' palace.

He was absolutely thrilled to discover this side of you that he hadn't previously seen. You were truly frightening and he was loving it.

By the time the moon was bright in the center of the dark sky, shining through the thickness of black, a pair of soft knocks sounded against your chamber door and you didn't have to use any hint of your skills to know who it was.

He looked at you with those now dark blue eyes from across the threshold, arm resting lightly against the grayish stone. He looked strangely troubled, look shadowed.

“Have you always been such a perfect seductress?”Feyd asked you just as you made a questioning gesture with your head. “How many men have you seduced like this?”

You looked him up with doubting eyes, frown slightly furrowed. “What are you talking about—”

He interrupted you in a scratchy voice, fearing somehow, that someone else might hear him, that someone else might witness how desperately vulnerable he was being, for you.

“You've broken me. All I can think about is you.”

Feyd took one step forward and you one step back, so you two moved as if you were in a kind of dance until he eventually entered your chambers, pulling the door shut behind him.

“I can't handle not touching you. It's a rule I'm on the brink of breaking for you.” He whispered and your breath caught in your throat, exhaling air in a stuttering gasp. “And I should— I'm expected to be a gentleman. I'm supposed to behave myself, keep my composure. But you… you are driving me crazy, woman, you play with my head, you've bewitched me.”

You could really see that he was trying to explain himself for you, attempting to articulate everything that was going through his head and you knew that it was very unusual for him to speak out loud about his feelings. And now, you were the one who couldn't say anything at all.

It was true, the most important rule your mother had emphasized to you was that you were not to get involved sexually, or in any way with your betrothed, until the very day of the actual wedding, as that particular night was meant to be consumed.

“Y—you shouldn't be here, my lord.” You managed to utter out after a few hesitant stutters, feeling your back brush against the wall and having him in front of you, trapping you against his body. He seemed to be struggling against his body, against his desire and instinct, hesitant hands twitching at his sides, nearly reaching out instinctively for your body.

“You were so bold back there talking back to me, what happened now? Aw, what happened, pretty?” He asked in a more teasing tone of voice, holding your gaze. “We could put that mouth of yours to good use then, hm?”

“My lord—”

“Call me by name.” He demanded, he begged you, whispering.

“Feyd...” You named him so obediently that it made him smile darkly to himself. “Someone might listen.”

“Are you afraid that someone will find out that two people who are getting married desired each other?” Feyd asked, half-closing his eyes and breathing out through his nose, as if trying to compose himself, trying to convince himself more than you. “There is nothing wrong for a husband to crave for his wife, right?”

You gulped, and his eyes instantly landed on your throat, watching as bone and muscle moved beneath the flesh, his tongue twitched, aching with all his will to be able to just lick the skin of your neck.

“I guess not.” Your voice trembled even when you were trying extra hard to sound confident and certain. “But we are not yet husband and wife.”

“Soon...” Feyd muttered, almost as if he was making a promise, uttering a vow.

His eyes closed as he finally rested his forehead against yours and suddenly, you were breathing from the same air. His trembling breath was warm against your lips and his scent was everything you could have ever craved... and it felt so familiar that your soul seemed to shudder, like something you had smelled all your life, something that had haunted you even in dreams, forever present but yet always so far distant.

“Can I touch you?” Feyd breathed out against your mouth after a few moments.

You didn't answer him verbally, instead you slowly took his hands between yours, fingers placing them in parallel against his, allowing you to feel every inch of the imprint drawn on his fingertips as you dragged yours across his palm, both feeling the size difference.

Then, you rested his big, calloused hands on your waist, allowing him to touch and hold you as much as he wanted and to permit him to do so, a single sight on your eyes was all it took.

He hissed as his hands molded the curve of your waist and instantly afterward drew you into his body, pulling you fully against the wall behind you. Your back arched instinctively and you gasped too, so softly, your chest pressed against his with the motion.

“Touch me.” Feyd-Rautha pleaded, he had never pleaded so... desperately for anything ever in his life.

That was your allowance for your hands reaching for his body, out of control, one making a slow path up through his strong arms while the other rested against his chest, feeling the beat of his heart under your palm, beating echoing your own. Your fingertips gently patted his muscles, recognizing his skin and his body. You got the abrupt urge to claim it as yours. To claim him.

You felt yourself blushing at all the overly imaginative and lustful images of him invading your head.

His nose brushed against yours, nuzzling it affectionately, still without opening his eyes, as if he were in some kind of dream from which he didn't want to wake up. His fingers caressed your belly, tracing a slow caress across your entire abdomen upward, while his other hand gripped your waist, holding you against him.

His touch triggered an immediate reaction across your flesh, skin shivering under his fingers.

Feyd whispered your name like a prayer, like a thirsty man, crawling and screaming for water.

“I'm trying to be good...”

“Don't be.” You whispered back, almost begging, looking up at him, gaze meeting his once he opened his eyes. “Please, Feyd—”

Then finally his lips landed on yours, initiating a kiss that you both craved so much, maybe he more than you for the way he brought you close to him, almost possessively, like a mad man, almost as if he was imprinting his mark on you, marking you for whoever had the courage to look at you.

He let himself sink in the way your lips fit against yours, in the warmth your body offered him, in the all too familiar sensation he could sense in every single fiber of his core from the kiss, your kiss.

Feyd-Rautha felt like a roaring beast just unleashed, ruthless and insatiable, just like when he walked into the arena, eager to kill, rooting against his opponents —and now he was rooting for you, to be near you, to intertwine his soul with yours, to claim you as his own.

And claiming you he was, his scent covered you all over now, making you feel a burning sensation in the pit of your stomach, throbbing crotch, blood seething like an infernal flare. Anyone who came near you would not only smell you, but him too, on every inch of your body. His hands roamed just under your breasts, rubbing across your ribcage and sliding down your back, fingers just barely grazing your ass, pressing you tightly against him in desperation, grasping and squeezing as much of your tender flesh as they could.

Your own palms roamed up his chest, caressing his broad shoulders, all the way up to his neck, tugging him closer to you in desperate motions, impossibly close.

When your bodies begged for oxygen, you broke the passionate kiss, leaving you both breathless. He kissed you once more, allowing you to breathe just for a few seconds before all you breathed was him. He wanted to become your oxygen, something indispensable to you, something you needed to live with, a necessity.

“You're the only one.” Feyd-Rautha mumbled out as his hot and soft lips trailed down a wet path all the way to your neck, tracing the line of your jaw with sloppy kisses, each time his lips pulled back from your skin a wet noise echoed and filled the room, making you gasp.

You could feel the way his lips were modulating each word against your skin, as if using a language so intimate and so tight that it took your breath away. A language known and used just between the two of you.

With desirous eyes he looked at the dark crimson mark he'd left on your throat before raising them across your flushed face, his hands cradling your jaw, thumbs caressing your skin tenderly.

“When my uncle gave me the announcement that I was to marry you, I kicked them all out.” He continued to explain, pecking your lips a couple of times before kissing each cheek, your forehead, your eyelids, your nose, every single feature of your entire face, with the utmost care and adoration.

No one had ever looked at you the way he was looking at you right now.

Feyd rasped out a small chuckle, breath warm tickling against your nose. “And by kicking them out I mean I killed them.”

His comment didn't surprise you at all, in fact, it didn't even provoke a reaction in you. During the week you had been in his company, you had already gotten used to Feyd-Rautha's -almost cruel- honesty and sassy remarks, you were just starting to get used to his very eccentric and unique attitude. Because the na-Baron's personality was something that was most captivating to you, he was so different yet so similar to you.

“Of course.” You replied, trying to hold back that dark grin on your lips, an action that caused him to kiss you once more, his attention was on your mouth the whole time as you spoke to him in that tone of voice. “I would expect nothing less from the Feyd-Rautha and for my future husband.”

Again he rested his forehead against yours and you were the one who kissed his lips this time. It had become a reassuring habit in a span of less than five minutes for both of you.

“I can't do anything to you until we get married, my uncle would find out otherwise. I have —we have— to behave, my love.”

He seemed to read your mind this time, or maybe it was the way you were looking at him, biting your lower lip gently, eyes darkened with desire, silently begging him to just take you right there against the wall when he called like that.

Perhaps Feyd-Rautha was a hopeless romantic just like you or he simply desired you in ways that went beyond mere sex or plain lust.

“Are you afraid of him?” You softly asked him, your fingers stroking the back of his neck, feeling the smoothness of his skin. Your fingertips followed the trail of one of his veins marked on his neck, making him gasp lightly.

“Have you seen him?” Feyd responded with another question, a curved little smile on his lips, his tone of voice directed pure sarcasm. “I don't think I'm in such a position as to challenge the Baron.”

You nodded your head, fingers stroking his cheekbones now, tapping the moles that spread across his face affectionately. “He's terrifying.”

Your heart seemed to melt as you watched him close his eyes and lean against your hand, kissing the palm in action.

“Mhm...” Feyd hummed, watching you attentively, as if he was memorizing every inch of your face. Suddenly, his expression changed to one of amusement.

“Were you seriously jealous of my darlings?”

Your heart seemed to drop to your stomach and burn with your guts as you heard the nickname fall from his mouth.

“Call them that again and I'll cut your throat.” You murmured against his lips, kissing them slowly before pulling away from his body, looking up at him with dark, yet playful eyes, your hand roaming across his chest until it fell to your side as you stepped away. Then you made your way towards your bed with a very slow pace, under the attentive gaze of his azure eyes following every movement of your hips.

His heart —apparently non-existent until then— was pounding like crazy inside his chest as his lips parted, for once again you had left him speechless.

That was living proof that you were simply made for him. And he for you.

And maybe that just meant you were each other's weakness, people would say so.

But he felt just invincible in your presence, as if your company made him behold the whole universe, gave him the power of the all galaxy at hand, making him feel like the only man in existence. Your man.

Feyd-Rautha had never felt so desperate to make you his wife and finally call you his.

[sethsclearwater]

synopsis: based on this request from @raxwrites where paul imprints on reader but she’s already in a (very shitty) relationship. paul convinces her to spend one night with him and reader realizes just how quickly he’s making her fall for him.

warnings: smut, dom!paul, sub!reader, cheating(?) (on a shitty guy lol)

word count: 5.49k

…

you and leah had been friends since childhood. you two were more or less attached at the hip and it was one of the many reasons why leah had decided to fuck with sam’s head and tell you about the shapeshifters. fortunately for everyone, you had taken the news quite well and actually found the whole thing rather funny considering how annoyed you had the opportunity to watch sam get when he heard she broke the news. 

shortly after the news broke, embry had made an off-handed joke about you being paul’s imprint - yet another thing you were unfamiliar with. despite the death stare embry got from paul after saying that, he stumbled out some half-assed explanation of it which left you more confused about the whole thing than ever. 

after both leah and embry had given you the world’s vaguest explanation of it, you had decided to just drop it and go back to focusing on the fact that leah and her entire “friend group” were a bunch of massive wolves. 

all of this led to today where you and your boyfriend were in a heated argument over his night out with a girl who he had repeatedly told you not to worry about. “for fuck’s sake josh! what part of you two spending the night together was platonic?” you yelled, angry tears streaming down your cheeks as you got up from your spot at the kitchen table to find your keys and phone. 

you two had been going at it for over 2 hours now and were making absolutely no progress so you figured now was as good a time as any to get the hell out of your apartment. 

“we literally didn’t do anything! i don’t get why you have to make such a big deal out of everything! you seriously need to work on your jealousy issues because you sound crazy right now!” your boyfriend yelled back, making sure his voice was louder than yours in some weak attempt to assert his dominance over you.

at the use of the word ‘jealousy’ you decided this was it and grabbed your phone and keys before quickly getting out of the apartment, sprinting down the steps to your car despite the sub-freezing, snowy conditions currently happening all around you.

as you turned the ignition on and began pulling out of your parking spot, you could faintly make out josh at the top of the steps yelling some slew of obscenities at you. you ignored him, using the back of your hand to wipe the tears off your cheeks before you were driving over to emily young’s house where leah supposedly was according to her last text a few hours prior.

after hearing that your boyfriend decided to spend the night with another girl (who he adamantly claimed was just a friend), leah let you know that she’d be over at emily’s for most of the day if you needed her or a place to stay for the night while you cooled off.

the drive over to emily’s was only about 10 minutes but ended up taking nearly double that thanks to the snow-covered roads. as you pulled into her driveway and quickly got out of your car, you neglected to realize that the only car in her driveway was one of the boy’s. 

in your haste, you ran up to the door, knocking rather hard when you finally felt the chill from the 20-degree temperatures outside. it didn’t take more than a few seconds for the door to open and reveal paul lahote.

he looked just as confused as you imagined you must’ve but you couldn’t have really cared less, just desperate to get out of the cold at this point, “where’s leah?” you asked with a sniffle as you pushed past him to get into the warmth of emily’s house.

paul stepped back, quickly shutting the door behind him to keep the heat in, “she’s on patrol- or work, fuck, work-” he stumbled out, watching your crying figure as you kicked your shoes off and tossed your keys and phone onto the entryway bench. 

“are you okay?” he asked after a moment, his voice softening as you slumped down in one of the kitchen chairs with another round of tears rolling down your cheeks. you’d seen paul on occasion, mostly in group settings with the rest of the pack but he did drive you home a few times when it was too rainy or snowy for you to walk back so you weren’t total strangers.

you paused at his question, looking up at him pleadingly with tears rapidly streaming down your cheeks. you imagined you must’ve looked like a hot mess. you’d gotten out of the shower just before your boyfriend arrived home so you hadn’t had time to do anything with your hair and were only wearing a pair of old sweatpants and some oversized t-shirt you’d pulled out of the back of your closet.

“do i look okay?” you asked, letting out a weak laugh as you reached your hands up to palm away the tears that couldn’t seem to stop streaming down your cheeks. paul frowned, watching you carefully as he pulled out the chair next to you, slowly sliding down into it as he tried to figure out what on earth to do with you.

“sorry,” paul mumbled after a moment, “he didn’t hit you, did he?” he asked, voice hesitating for a moment before he ended his question, clearly unsure if he was overstepping or not by prying into your personal life despite how little the two of you knew each other. 

you let out another breathy laugh at his concern, shaking your head with a sniffle, “jus’ cheated on me,” you managed to get out, a heavy sigh leaving your lips as you pulled your legs up to your chest and wrapped your arms around them, still not meeting paul’s gaze. 

every ounce of dignity you had was just shredded thanks to the current state you found yourself in but paul didn’t seem to mind your emotions too much, “you wanna talk about it?” he asked softly, his frown deepening when yet another round of tears came spilling over your waterline and down your cheeks. 

shaking your head, you finally worked up the nerve to peek up and meet his gaze for a moment, “not really no,” you admitted, voice barely above a whisper, “i hate that fucker,” you added after a moment, both you and paul letting out quiet laughs at your comment.

“can’t say i like him too much either,” paul reassured, cracking the tiniest bit of a smile which had you letting out a heavy sigh of relief. something in you just felt unbelievably better knowing that someone was able to sympathize with your pain.

“you want some water?” he asked after a moment, offering you a small smile when you nodded. while you attempted to dry your cheeks of your tears, paul got up and quickly got you a glass of water to stop you from crying even more and hopefully lessen the severity of the headache both of you knew you’d be getting in a few short hours.

he handed you the glass, your fingers brushing for just a moment too long, “thank you,” you whispered, taking the glass and sipping on it to give yourself a moment to shake the insatiable feelings you were now realizing you’d definitely been having for the poor boy for months now. 

paul gave your upper arm a gentle squeeze before he was grabbing his phone, “you wanna sit down in the living room? emily’s got the pullout couch in there if you wanna get some sleep,” he asked as he quickly responded to whatever text he had just gotten a few moments prior. you thought about his proposition for a moment before humming and nodding.

“with you?” you asked, raising your eyebrows at him as you looked up at him, your small smile coming in stark contrast to you puffy, tear-stained cheeks.

paul rolled his eyes, “won’t make it weird,” he reassured, “just don’t want you getting all worked up again,” he added, and this time you rolled your eyes, hardly able to contain the small smile on your face as you got up and made the incredibly short trek into the living room. 

while you grabbed your phone to see if leah had responded to any of your texts, paul got the pullout set up so the two of you could sit down there and hopefully just throw on a movie or something, “emily said leah is gonna be back in a few hours,” paul broke the silence with after a few moments as if he’d read your mind or something. 

you hummed and nodded, smiling softly when he offered you his hand so he could help you onto the makeshift bed. your hand slid into his as you got into the pullout, pausing for a moment when he slid his hand onto your lower back to help steady you. 

paul noticed your pause, gently squeezing your hand when you peeked over your shoulder to look at him, “everything okay?” he asked, watching as you finally allowed yourself to actually look at him.

your boyfriend or ex or whatever the hell he was must’ve clouded your vision way more than you thought because you’d never really paid any attention to paul or the way he looked at you before. but today, you finally saw how he’d been watching you this whole time, something much softer in his gaze than anything you’d ever seen with your boyfriend.

you’d never seen a man look at you like that before and weren’t looking to lose it anytime soon. before your mind could catch up to what your heart was planning, you were tightening your grip in his hand to pull him closer to you and smashing your lips against his.

paul must’ve seen it coming from a mile away because he didn’t waste any time before he was melting into you, untangling his hand from yours so he could slide both hands down to your hips and pull you closer to him. 

your hands were on his chest, desperately running them down until you found the hem of his t-shirt so you could slide your hands underneath, “fuck,” paul groaned against your lips when he felt the way your palms flattened out against the expanse of his abdomen, your hands sliding up his chest so you could tug his t-shirt up.

paul already understood what you meant, parting his lips from yours for a moment much to your dismay. he let out a breathy laugh as he pulled his shirt up and over his head when he saw the pout that had quickly formed on your face, “c’mere,” he murmured as soon as he had tossed the shirt to the side, sliding his hands back down to your hips so he could pull you closer to him and press his lips against yours again. 

his fingers toyed with the thin material of your t-shirt, “can i take this off?” he murmured against your lips, letting out a breathy laugh when you quickly nodded pulling back so he could help you take your shirt off. 

in your haste getting out of the shower earlier, you’d apparently neglected to put a bra on which left your bare chest exposed to him. paul sucked in a sharp breath when he saw the way your nipples were already hardening as they were exposed to the cool air, “fuck me,” paul groaned, “lay down-” paul ordered, not giving you a moment to process what he was saying before he was manhandling you down onto the squeaky pullout mattress, conveniently wedging himself in between your legs so he could have better access to you.

he didn’t waste any time, latching his lips around your nipple, swirling his tongue around the sensitive bud while he massaged your other boob with his hand. “paul-” his name fell off your lips so easily, moaning and whining as he rolled your nipple between his finger and just barely grazed his teeth over the other one, “paul please-” you whimpered, desperately reaching down to pull him up so you could touch him in all the ways your body was begging you to.

“‘s wrong?” he asked with a breathy laugh, already knowing you were definitely more than okay but the sudden whining from you had him a little bit concerned he was being too rough with you.

you just shook your head, desperately reaching down to his sweatpants, “i need you-” was all you were able to make out as you dipped your hand below his waistline, immediately wrapping your hand around his now fully hardened cock. 

paul dropped his head against your collarbone and let out a low groan when he felt your fingers wrap around his length.  “i’ll fuck you in a minute,” he reassured, sliding his non-supporting hand over yours to gently pry it off of him so he could finish prepping you for him.

you let out a disgruntled sigh which had paul laughing again, shaking his head, “you got it,” he mused, dropping down to press a soft kiss to your lips. you were happily reciprocating the action against his lips, running your fingers up his chest so you could snake them around his neck and knot in his inky hair to pull him closer to you.

paul was all too aware of just how you needed him, making quick work of sliding his hands down to dip below your sweatpants, toying with the thin material of your panties for a moment, the frustration leaving you whining against paul’s lips.

he paid little mind to your whines, taking his time dancing his fingers along the outline of your panties, barely brushing his fingers over your covered clit, chuckling to himself when he heard the mewling that left your lips at the sensation, “paul-” you whimpered, tightening your fingers against his hair so you could hold him closer to you.

paul allowed you to hold him close, pressing his lips to your neck, “‘m comin’” he reassured, dipping his fingers below your panties so he could swipe them through your slick folds. you were muffling your whines against the crook of his neck, untangling your fingers from his hair so you could wrap your arms around his neck, a rather loud moan leaving your lips when he finally pressed down on your clit.

“there you go,” he murmured against your neck, slowly circling his pointer finger around your little entrance while his thumb continued to toy with the sensitive bundle of nerves between your thighs, “breathe princess,” paul reminded as he lifted his head from your neck so he could get a better look at you, hardly containing his laugh when he heard just how fast your heart was beating from your lack of oxygen.

you nodded, sucking in a deep breath as you ran your fingers across his shoulders, dancing them along his chest while paul allowed you a moment to catch your breath, “there you go,” he mused, slowly dipping his pointer finger into your canal, the muscles immediately fluttering around him as you took the intrusion. 

“deep breaths for me princess,” paul murmured as he began curling and uncurling his finger inside you, working at stretching you out for his cock, “such a good job,” he cooed as he watched the way you followed his instructions, your little whines and moans as he continued to toy with your clit letting him know all he needed to know.

once he felt your walls beginning to relax around his finger, he slowly added a second finger to your channel, dropping his head down to press a soft kiss to your lips when he heard the low whine you let out at the stretch, “breathe princess,” paul reminded, his lips leaving yours for only a moment before he was melting into you again, slowly scissoring his fingers as he stretched you out. his thumb gently rolled your clit, the pleasure and paul’s lips against yours serving as a pleasant distraction from the stretching. 

once he’d decided you were no longer tense, he began curling his fingers inside your delicate walls, smiling to himself when he felt the spongey tissue of your g-spot, the sudden hitch in your breathing followed by a low moan letting him know he definitely needed to continue the action. 

he continued curling his fingers against the sensitive tissue, parting his lips from yours to pepper your neck and shoulders with delicate kisses. as soon as he felt your walls beginning to tighten around his fingers, he began working at marking up your collarbone.

“paul-” you whined, flattening your palms against his biceps, a heavy sigh leaving your lips as your head dropped back into the pillows as you felt the coil in your belly beginning to tighten. you had never cum with your ex before, always finding yourself needing to take care of yourself on your own time because he couldn’t be bothered with it. so paul managing to have you nearly cumming on his fingers within just a few minutes was forcing you to rethink why the hell you hadn’t gotten with him sooner. 

“cum on my fingers princess,” paul murmured against your collarbone, continuing his steady pace as he stroked your g-spot and rolled your clit.

you whimpered, desperately working to meet your orgasm and come undone on your imprinter’s fingers, “nice and easy,” he murmured when he felt your walls tightening around his fingers, well aware of just how close you were to cumming, “there you go kitten, let go for me,” he encouraged, keeping all of his actions steady, his words sending you right over the edge as you finally complied and let go.

your orgasm washed over you, your walls desperately throbbing around paul’s fingers while he continued to lighten his touches, helping you work through it without overstimulating you too much. you were sucking in heavy lungfuls of air, eyes fluttering open as you worked at getting your heart rate down to a reasonable bpm. 

you wrapped your splayed palms around paul’s shoulders to pull him down for a tight hug. a soft laugh left his lips at your action, slowly pulling his fingers out of your soaked channel, “deep breaths princess,” he cooed, pressing his lips to your hairline while he allowed you a few more moments to compose yourself. 

“there you go,” he chuckled when he finally heard your breathing and heart rate even out to a reasonable level, “you think you can take my cock?” he asked as you loosened your grip on him a bit, allowing him to lift his head so he could get a better look at your expression.

you nodded, “please,” you whispered, running your hands across his shoulders and biceps before sliding them down his chest, looking down to the ever-prominent tent in his pants from you. your cheeks were heating up to a bright pink when you realized what an effect you were having on him, quickly lifting your gaze away from the bulge to look back up at him.

paul chuckled, “i’m all yours,” he reassured, failing to hide his smirk when he saw how flustered you got at the thought of him being yours. you’d been so oblivious to him for over a year now, too invested in your own problems to ever realize just how he looked at you or see how he always managed to be there for you at the perfect time. 

you slowly nodded as you processed his words, blushing an even deeper red when he got out from in between your thighs to get up and tug his sweatpants down. his hardened cock was quick to stand at attention, the tip a fierce red with droplets of precum pooling.

paul smirked again when he saw the way you were staring at his cock, leaning down to hook his fingers around your sweatpants and panties to he could tug them down and toss them to the side as well, “all mine?” you asked after a moment, finally pulling your gaze from his cock to look up at him.

“all yours,” paul confirmed as he got back on the pullout, “get on your hands and knees for me, yea? gonna show you who you belong to,” he added, barely holding back his laugh when he saw how flustered you continued to get every time he spoke to you. 

as you processed his words, paul slid his hands down to your hips so he could help you get onto your hands and knees, the poor pullout bed making all sorts of pathetic squeaks as it desperately tried to stay up while you and paul fucked. 

“such a good girl,” paul praised once you were settled on your forearms and knees, one of his hands remaining on your hip to steady you while he spit into the other one, quickly spreading the saliva across his cock to help lubricate him so you wouldn’t have too much difficulty taking his length. 

paul was by far the largest man you’d ever been with, something paul had managed to figure out by himself when he felt just how tight you were clamped down on his fingers a few minutes prior, “deep breath for me princess,” paul ordered as he slid his hand in between your thighs, dipping his finger into your channel for just a moment to make sure you were still ready to take him before he was pulling it out and replacing it with the tip of his cock.

at the feeling of his cock prodding at your entrance, you reminded yourself to breathe, letting out a slow exhale, and relaxed your hips so paul could pull you back onto his cock, “so fuckin’ pretty,” paul groaned, both hands tightly gripping your hips as he tugged your hips back to impale you on his cock, “keep breathing princess,” he reminded, keeping a firm grip on your hips as he felt the way your walls were desperately working to accommodate the intrusion that was your imprinter.

you were whining, resting your forehead against your hands as you tried to relax yourself enough to make room for paul, “‘s really big paul-” you whimpered, moving to pull your hips forward but paul’s hands remained firm.

“breathe princess,” paul reminded, “i’ve got you, yea? not gonna hurt you, just need to stretch you out on me, okay?” he added, gently rubbing his thumbs in circles against the fatty flesh of your hips.

you slowly nodded, peeking over your shoulder to look up at him, immediately feeling way better when you saw how confident he looked in his promise, “you want me to hold you? might help you feel better,” he suggested, smiling when you quickly nodded.

“c’mere,” he cooed, sliding his hands down to your ribs, slowly pulling you up. as he helped you up, his cock pushed further into your channel, “you’re okay,” he reassured when he heard your whining. he wrapped his arm around you, coming to rest just under your breasts as he pulled you up so your back was flush with his chest.

“just a little more,” he murmured, wrapping his other arm around your abdomen so he could hold you steady as he pushed himself the rest of the way into you, “such a good girl,” he mused, pressing his lips to your head when he felt you finally relax into his arms, allowing your head to rest against the crook of his neck.

while he allowed you a few moments to process the feeling, he pressed gentle kisses to your hairline, murmuring quiet praises. once your walls stopped desperately clenching around him, relaxing just enough to accommodate him comfortably, you were letting out a soft sigh, lifting your head up to peek over your shoulder up at him, “feels okay?” he asked, pressing his lips to your temple when you hummed and nodded.

“that’s my girl,” he praised, muffling his chuckle against your hair when he felt your walls flutter around him at the praise, your heart skipping a few beats as you processed just what you were doing with him. you nuzzled your nose into the crook of his neck in a weak attempt to hide your blush from him, your hands hooking around his forearm to hold yourself steady.

paul decided against teasing you about it, suddenly becoming much more aware of just how badly he wanted to cum inside you when he felt your walls clenching down around him, “you let me know if you want me to slow down, okay?” he asked, waiting for you to nod before he was drawing his hips back, his cock dragging along your walls in the most delicious way possible before he was plunging himself back inside you, not wasting a moment before he was setting a rough pace, one hand holding you up while the other held your hips in place so he could snap his against yours.

you let out a loud whine at the first thrust, dropping your head back against his shoulder again, eyes closing as pleasure began flooding through your system yet again, “just needed my cock in you didn’t you?” he asked with a chuckle when he saw the way you were desperately nodding, loving how much pleasure you were so easily able to provide each other.

he slid one hand down to your abdomen, splaying his palm across the smooth skin so he could keep you steady but also drop his thumb down to toy with your clit. “oh my god-” you whimpered when you felt the pleasure coursing up your spine, forcing your brain into a fuzzy mess as you tried to comprehend all the sensations and emotions spilling through you.

“my cock feel that good? makin’ you feel better, isn’t it?” he gritted out, his thrusts getting rougher when he saw just how quickly you were coming undone on him. he held you up, supporting you as he continued to fuck you as you desperately nodded.

“so good-” you whimpered, “all yours,” you added softly, just loud enough for paul to pick up on it. hearing you admit he owned you just as much as you did him snapped something inside him, suddenly every fiber of his being telling him to make sure everyone knew you were his.

“this pussy is all mine, yea? all mine,” paul repeated, his grip around your chest tightening when he felt the way your walls were suddenly desperately fluttering and clenching around him, both of your emotions going haywire at the connection.

you hummed, squeezing your hands around his forearms in a weak attempt to stabilize yourself, “not giving it to anyone else, you understand? you’re mine now,” paul ordered, pinching your clit between his fingers when he realized you weren’t responding to him. 

a loud moan escaped your lips at the sudden jolt, “not giving it to anyone else-” you breathlessly repeated back, able to form a somewhat coherent response by some grace of god. you weren’t used to being made such a mess from a cock, desperately trying and failing to keep some shred of control as paul continued his ruthless thrusts. 

“that’s what i thought,” paul pushed his hips into yours, the tip of his cock kissing your cervix to send his point home, the action taking away any control you might’ve had as you fully surrendered in his arms, trusting him to support you, “gonna fill you up so everyone knows just who owns you and you’re gonna take it all like a good girl, aren’t you?” he asked, his rhetorical question sending your brain into a tizzy as you desperately nodded, not trusting yourself to form a coherent response.

paul let out a dark laugh when he saw your nod, your approval being all he needed to pick up the pace until he had your breasts bouncing atop his forearms with each thrust, your moans and heavy breaths filling the silence of emily’s living room as your orgasm rapidly began approaching.

“paul i’m gonna-” you started, gasping when he rolled your clit between his fingers, the action having you dangerously close to cumming without his approval and, based on how dominant he had been with you tonight, you’d imagined he wouldn’t take too kindly to you cumming before he let you.

“such a good girl,” paul praised, “make a mess on my cock for me,” he added, rubbing circles against your clit while his cock continued to stretch you out with each thrust, the small bulge in your belly with each snap of his hips sending him over the edge at the same time as you.

the knot in your belly snapped as paul shot his release into your walls, both of you holding each other as tight as you could as you rode your highs. paul’s thrusts stuttered as his cum spilled into you, the feeling of your walls throbbing around him as you came having him pushing his hips as close to yours as he could, “paul-” you whined when you felt the way the tip of his cock was prodding against your overstimulated cervix. 

“not yet-” he responded breathlessly, “let me fill you up,” he added, holding you close to him as he spilled his release in you. you nodded, relaxing back into him as you came down from your high, both of your breathing heavy and ragged as you came back down to earth. 

you gently squeezed paul’s forearms, lolling your head to the side so you could nuzzle your nose against his collarbone, “there you go,” paul murmured after a few moments, slowly loosening his grip on you so he could pull his cock back enough so he wasn’t overstimulating you to the point of annoyance, “you’re staying here for the night, yea?” he asked, pressing his lips to your hair as he waited for your response.

you let out a soft laugh and nodded, “you can have me in the morning if you want,” you added teasingly, squealing when paul snapped his hips back against yours at the comment, a lewd squelching sound from all the fluids pooling between your thighs. 

“i’ll be holding you to that,” paul agreed, giving you one more squeeze before he was slowly letting you go and pulling himself out of you so he could get you cleaned up. as he helped you lay down on the couch, you intertwined your fingers with his hand, tugging him down so he could lay next to you.

paul complied, allowing you to pull him close to you, “still gonna have to clean you up in a minute,” paul reminded, opening his arms so you could get between them wrapping them around you to hold you close once you got settled. 

“just wanna lay with you for a minute,” you whispered, tossing your leg over his hip to hold him even closer to you as paul got a blanket over your naked figures. your comment had his heart doing all sorts of things he’d never felt before so he settled for just pressing his lips to the crown of your head while you cuddled up with him.

before paul’s mind could get the best of him, you peeked up at him, “i’ll break up with him,” you reassured, smiling when paul let out a heavy sigh of relief, nodding. 

you snuck a quick kiss against his lips, smiling when you saw how flustered you managed to make him over the action, quickly burying your face in the crook of his neck so you could get comfortable and allow him a moment to get it together.

paul gently ran his hand up and down your side, holding you close to him as the two of you just soaked each other in. before he could come up with a response to your promise, he heard your breathing begin to even out, quickly realizing you’d definitely fallen asleep in his arms.

“just a few minutes,” he mumbled to himself, holding you close as he also let the fatigue take over him as well.

bonus: leah, emily, and some of the boys coming back to find reader and paul’s clothes thrown all over the house with the two of them passed out on the pull out couch - all of them can’t stop laughing about it and never let reader and paul live it down.

[trippinsorrows]

looking through your eyes + sixteen

authors note: healing is not linear. regression, sadly, is a part of the process. and ultimately, if someone wants to hurt themselves, they will find a way to do so.

*this chapter contains extremely triggering content. please ensure to read all content/trigger warnings to make an informed decision regarding your mental state and ability to consume the following work of fiction. your mental wellbeing is forever and always more important than any story.*

cw/tw: heavy angst, violence, torture, ptsd episode, victim blaming, reference to childhood sexual assault, thoughts and urges of self-harm, suicide attempt

gentle reminder that you can call or text the free, confidential 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 anytime, 24/7.

song inspo: ‘looking through your eyes’ by leann rimes

masterlist

words: 8k

“I–I just want to see him. Please—”

It’s got to be the third or even fourth time she’s tried to ask, pleading with her husband’s Wise Man to let her see her husband.

It was hard enough to get Solo to agree to take her to where Roman is, a medical clinic that’s clearly only open to tend to him and any other Bloodline member injured in the shootout. That’s evident by the lack of anyone present outside of an impressive number of Bloodline security. 

An uninjured Bayley and Naomi met her at the house shortly after she arrived with Solo, and while she was pleased to see they were okay, to hear that Jimmy and Jey also made it out uninjured, the man she cares about the most is ironically the man she seems incapable of checking on.

She can’t find a way to settle her anxiety, continuing to play the scene of him shot, outside of her head. 

That’s why she needs to see him. 

She has to see him.

Paul sighs, and there’s irritation evident both in his tone and facial expression. “Solana, I don’t think—hey!”

Fuck it.

He’s silenced by Solana rushing past him, nearly knocking him over in the process. Eyes wide with shock, he stammers, looking just as bewildered as the security guards around him. “Well, don’t just stand there, stop her!”

The men rush to run after her, Solana well aware of the fact that the likelihood of her outrunning them is slim to none. 

Doesn't mean she can’t try. 

It’s a silly thought though because of course security would be up and down every hall of the clinic, sets of hardened eyes falling on her, ready to attack when they realize who she is. It changes the dynamic a bit. Expressions still stoic and lethal but also confused.

Solana freezes only for a bit as she forces out her request, a poorly delivered demand, really to the guards that line the hall that she suspects house the room Roman is being treated in. 

“I need to see my husband.” No one says anything, two of them sharing an expression as Solana decides to try her luck again, knowing that they wouldn’t actually shoot her, trying to sprint past them.

She’s unlucky this time though because one of the guards catches her, restraining her. This makes her tense up almost immediately, fear rising up yet again for the thousandth time tonight. 

“Let go of me!” Solana tries to wiggle her way out of the iron grasp, eager and almost needing to get these strange male hands off of her, such a stark contrast to the comfort and safety she feels when it’s Roman who has his hands on her. “I need to see Roman! Please!” 

The man holding her and probably pulling her away from the direction of Roman’s room says nothing, just continues to ignore her demands to be released.

“Man, what the hell you doing!”

Solana’s head snaps to the side as she lays eyes on an enraged Jimmy who stalks over, his mere presence and tone causing the man to release her. Solana gasps a bit as Jimmy grabs the man by his collar and slams him against the wall. “Don’t you ever put your fucking hands on her again! You lucky it’s me here and not Roman cause he’d already have a bullet in your head for touching his wife!”

Jimmy looks around, shouting, “that goes to all of ya’ll asses!” He points to Solana. “She asks for Roman, you take her to fucking Roman, alright?”

Bowed heads of shame and a sudden focus on the laminate flooring of the clinic, Solana is relieved when Jimmy walks over, voice calmer, motioning her to follow him. “Come on, Soso.”

Solana wants to ask Jimmy if he’s okay, inquire about Jey, make sure that they’re okay. Bayley and Naomi already told her as such, but they don’t know that. It’s just what’s most polite and appropriate, but all she can think about is Roman and laying eyes on him.

She needs to see him.

And as awful as it may sound, she cares more about making sure her husband is okay before anyone else.

Caught up in her thoughts, she misses when Jimmy knocks on a door in a rhythmic pattern, followed by Jey cracking the door open.

Jimmy sucks his teeth. “Man, open the door. It’s Soso.”

Solana, however, has no desire to wait any longer and finds herself, pushing on the door, forcing Jey to stumble back. “Damn, girl!”

She’s not listening though, uninterested in apologizing because she’s focused on something else. 

Focused on someone else. 

An older man with blonde hair pulled back, dressed way too casually to be a medical professional seems to be finishing up bandaging her husband who stands only feet away, shirtless, revealing the shoulder tourniquet that conceals the wound. The place where he was hurt.

Where he was shot.

Emotion renews, and a new set of tears reload as she finds herself moving over to him, pressing her body into his, doing her best to avoid touching his left shoulder. Her eyes shut, tears spilling over when she feels Roman’s hand on the small of her back.

“Get out.” It’s directed to the twins and who Solana would guess is the doctor who treated his wound, that last thing being what causes her to pull away, to look over at the stranger.

“No. You—you have to help him—”

The man chuckles and removes the blue latex gloves from his hands. “Lil lady, that’s a job only the big Man Himself can handle.” She frowns a bit as the man with striking blue eyes and an almost country accent explains, “He’ll be fine. Bullet went straight through. Didn't hit any bones, artery, or organs. If he takes it easy for a couple weeks, he'll be good as new. That’s assuming, however, he actually follows the doctor’s orders for once.”

It’s that last sentence that makes Solana wonder if this is the same doctor who diagnosed Roman with high blood pressure and medicated him for it. It makes sense. 

But, it’s when they’re alone that the waterworks seem to really come out, Solana unable to hold it in any longer. “I’m sorry—this—this is all my fault.” She cries, Roman gently cradling her face as she shakes her head. “You–you got hurt because of m-me-.”

Roman looks thoroughly confused, asking, “what are you talking about?”

There’s such a heaviness in her stomach and on her chest. She doesn’t want to do this. God, she really doesn’t want to. But, it’s her not doing this in the first place that landed them where they are. 

“Roman…..” She closes her eyes. This is so much harder than she thought it would be, and she never thought it would be easy per se, but she also didn’t think it would be this damn painful. “My—my father. He…he wanted our marriage to happen so—so that I—” It’s like knives splitting and slicing the back of her throat as she forces out, “he wanted me to kill you.”

If Roman has a strong or visceral reaction to her dark confession, he doesn’t show it. His expression remains unreadable, maybe a bit of concern, but that was present the minute he laid eyes on her. 

“And he said that if I didn’t do it, then he–he would kill me, and that’s w–why you got hurt tonight, because—because of me, because I didn’t say anything.” A fresh set of tears generate as she desperately tries to help him and make him believe her as she explains, “but, I—I was never going to—I could never—I’d rather die than do anything to h–hurt you.”

And it’s the truth. 

She would have rather him let the bullet hit her than him. 

It’s not fair he had to pay for her actions. Or lack, in this case. 

“Solana.” He cuts her off, gentle, voice much calmer than she anticipated in response to such a confession. “I already knew.”

And just like that, she’s back to not breathing again, rendered nearly incapable of speech as she stammers out a response, “w–what?”

Roman sighs deeply, thumb caressing the apple of her cheek. “I always knew your father was up to something. I’m far from stupid. He was too eager and pushy to make the marriage happen. It was obvious he had ulterior motives.” His eyes squint a bit, as he asks her, “why you think one of the first things I did when we got married was cut off contact between the two of you, huh? Whatever he was planning, I wasn’t gonna let him use you to do it.”

Roman’s words together make a logical, sensical sentence, but it’s the processing of it that she struggles with. Roman knew. He knew all along that her father was planning something. 

And yet he said nothing.

He has no reaction. 

He continues, admitting, “I didn’t know specifically what he had planned, but it doesn’t really make a difference. Murder. Coup d'etat. He wasn't the first, and he won’t be the last.” It’s the casual way he says it that Solana feels so conflicted about, so stunned how he can be so calm about constant threats against his life, against his empire. “This isn’t the first time I’ve been shot, and it probably won’t be the last time.”

“Don’t say that.” She whispers. The trauma and shock of seeing him shot was bad enough, and seeing he appears okay is relieving, but the thought of it happening again feels almost unbearable.

“Solana, you know what I am and what I do. But, it’s like I told you before, I have a tendency to not die, which pisses people off.” His delivery towards the end manages to make her smile. It’s small and sad, but a smile nonetheless. “There it is….” His thumb brushes away some of her tears. “Don’t cry, baby. You know I don’t like seeing you upset.”

She noticed. The same way she doesn’t like to see him hurt. For him to be anything other than okay. 

Roman’s eyes shift into something softer as he asks, “why didn’t you tell me?” It’s a question born from curiosity versus the accusatory nature she would expect from someone who was just told their wife was sent to kill them. 

It’s a bit of a difficult one to answer too. “I was—I was scared. At the beginning of our marriage, I—I was scared what you would do to me if—if I told you.” 

There’s an almost pained look that flashes across his face as he vows, “Solana, you know I would never—”

“I know. I know that now.” She stresses, gently cutting him off. There’s not a doubt in her mind that Roman would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. “But, I—I didn’t then. And….I think I just—I didn’t want to think about it, because things were going good and—and I hadn’t seen him in so long, but I was wrong—and I should have said something sooner—”

“It doesn’t matter.” He’s the one to cut her off this time, shaking his head. “But Solana, your father has crossed a line this time. He tried to kill you.” Roman’s eyes are blazing with with the flame of anger and fury, a desire for vengeance clearly dancing at the forefront of his mind. “I know I told you I wouldn’t kill him until you told me—”

“I don’t care,” she affirms, voice darkening into something also angry. “He—he tried to take you from me. I don’t—I don’t care what happens to him anymore. Him or Wes.” 

Because while she doesn’t know the status of her brother and his recovery, Wes was just as involved with the evil plan, so what went down tonight had to have some influence from him in one way or another. It makes him just as guilty. 

Roman nods and kisses her temple. He then calls out, “Jey.” It’s loud enough for his cousin to hear, opening the door and asking, “what’s up?”

Roman doesn’t hesitate. “Get me Miller. Just Xavier.” Solana must look curious as he explains, “your brother isn’t well enough yet. I want him back to health, so I can prolong his torture.” It paints a picture of a brutal, gruesome ending, but she can’t find it in her to be repulsed. Whatever hope she had for her brother is clearly long gone, if it was ever there.

“You got it.” Jey nods and closes the door as Solana places her hand on Roman’s forearm, drawing his attention down to her. 

“I—I want to talk to him before—-” She swallows, asking, “please?”

Roman nods. “Of course.” She’s thankful for his agreement but not entirely surprised. He breaks away from her, countenance shifts into something stoic and determined. 

“This ends tonight.” 

________

Solana’s introduction to the place where her husband has probably taken and ended more lives than she’d like to admit is definitely a one and done thing. The atmosphere alone is so dark and depressing that if not for her hand in his and him walking closely alongside her, she might even find herself a bit scared.

But his presence along with her determination to get in her final words to her father manage to carry her over. 

She’s also both surprised and relieved when she sees Bayley and Naomi also present. She’s unable to ask them about their presence because Roman is already explaining, “I know you don’t want to be home alone tonight, and I’m not making it back anytime soon.”

She nods, not needing to know why. The edge in his voice is all the telling she needs.

Solana’s stomach drops a bit when she’s taken to her father, strapped to a chair, hands and wrists tied. His face is bruised up, cut, and bleeding. Her eyes must give away her curiosity, Jimmy answering, “he fell.” 

Jey suddenly punches him in the side of his head. “Ain’t that what you said when you and your boy was beating on your own fucking daughter?”

Solana swallows. Yes. That’s often what he said to cover up the result of their abuse.

Solana drops her hand and steps a bit closer to him, Roman not once moving or ripping his eyes away from them. It’s virtually impossible for Xavier to do anything to her, but she understands her husband is not willing to take any risks, regardless. 

She ignores the weapons and items around her, no doubt intended for unspeakable acts of violence and torture. She just focuses on the man before her, taking in the fact that this is the last time she’ll ever stare into his dark eyes and have to look at his evil face. 

“All—all I ever wanted….was for you to love me.” She hates the emotion that chunks up the back of her throat, making it a bit harder for her to speak. “But you never did, and you never will, and—and that’s okay.” She recalls one of the many powerful, profound quotes from her book, reciting it boldly and confidently. “Your inability to love me is not a reflection on my ability to be loved.” She’d like to say she witnesses some type of emotional reaction in her father at her powerful statement, but there’s nothing there.

There never was. 

Stepping back, she takes one final look at him, accepting this is the end of this road. The end of all the hurt and pain he’s ever caused her. After tonight, it’s all over. “Goodbye, Dad.” 

Solana is back by Roman, taking her hand in his as Xavier’s small, dark laughter draws her attention back to him. 

“Didn’t you ever wonder how they bypassed the security system? Both times?”

Solana’s brows are furrowed, confusion dancing in her eyes. Before she can say anything, Roman barks a rough order to the twins, “gag him!” 

One glance at him, and she sees something unfamiliar, something that looks strangely close to nervousness. 

To fear. 

“No,” she finds herself calling out, stopping Jey who was halfway close to doing just that, bandana in his right hand. “What—what are you talking about?”

“Solana, he’s just trying to fuck with your head.” She hears Roman, feels his slight tug on her sleeve as he tries to pull her away, but she also detects something else.

Avoidance. 

Roman is intentionally trying to divert her away from this conversation, topic, whatever it is.

Xavier chuckles cruelly, coughing up a bit of blood. “I warned that bitch. I told her what would happen if she tried to take Wesley away from me.” 

Now…now he has Solana’s full attention. 

She steps toward him, asking again, “what are you t–talking about?”

“Solana, please—”

But, she continues to ignore Roman and instead focuses on whatever it is her father is about to drop on her, something she feels is about to change everything. 

Xavier’s bloody smile is cruel and taunting as he reveals, “I was the one who ordered the hit on your mother.” And before she can even sit on that, another bomb is dropped. “And you.”

Solana staggers back, jerking away from Roman as he reaches to touch her. Her mouth is dropped, her heartbeat erratic. She all of a sudden feels dizzy, but it doesn’t stop her from asking again, “what—what did you just say?”

“Shut him up, Jey!”

“No!” Solana shouts both at her husband and his cousin. “I want to know!”

“Your mother was planning to take you and Wesley away from me, and truth be told, if she left Wesley and just took you, I probably wouldn’t have given a fuck. But no, she wanted both of her children. She was a problem, so I got rid of her.” Each word that leaves his mouth has Solana wanting to sink further and further into the ground. “The hit was for both of you, but of course, you fucking survived.” The venom in his voice and hatred in his eyes is almost palpable, further deepening the pain of this betrayal. “I refused to pay them the full amount since they botched the job and didn’t kill you, but that still left the balance for your mother….the balance you paid for me.” And with the most vile smile of all, he adds on coarsely, “who’d have thought a kid’s virginity would sell so high?”

And it’s that statement. That cruel, vindictive statement that breaks her.

Hand to her stomach, Solana almost collapses to the floor but Roman is behind her, catching her fall. 

Now that she can focus on him, on anything other than the millions thoughts racing through her mind. Random facts and statements finally coming together, painting a horrific, grim picture.

The failure of the security system both times.

The failed pin entry of her mom’s shaking hands and two years later, Solana’s shaking hand, as they desperately tried to enter the panic room, only for it to flash a red rejection notice.

It was him the whole time.

He killed her mother. He was the one responsible for her rape.

All of it. 

Emotions erupt to the surface as Solana tries to break from Roman’s embrace and lunge for her father.

“I hate you!” She screams, unable to think and see beyond her pain. “I fucking hate you!” She can’t stop trying to break Roman’s solid grip on her. She wants to hit him. Wants to stab him. Burn him. Anything and everything that can make him feel just a fraction of her agony. “How could you do that to me!” She cries, wanting, needing an answer. Needing to know why. “I was a child!” She’s never felt something so heavy, so painful. “I was your child!” 

As her physical resolve breaks, more diminishes than anything, Solana feels Roman trying to guide her away.

But it’s a mistake, it’s a mistake because she uses that slice of an opening to break away from him and snatch one of the guns on a table, pointing it at her father’s head. But then, she’s not. She’s not because Roman is suddenly standing between her and her target.

Her resolve falters for a bit, as she shouts at him, “move!”

Jimmy’s furious voice calls out. “Man, let her do it, Roman!”

Roman’s gaze is fiery as he silences his cousin with a shout. “Shut up!” But just as quickly as he was enraged, his expression softens almost inhumanly quickly as he pleads, “Solana, listen to me—”

She’s not trying to hear it though. She can’t hear it. “He killed my mother! My mother!”

“I know,” his expression softens into something solemn and sympathetic. “But you don’t want to do this—“

She snaps, her fingers on the gun tightening, her grip firm and focused. “He needs to die!”

“And he will, I promise you that. Slowly. Gradually. In the agonizing way that he deserves, but that can only happen if you let me do this for you—”

Solana cries, shoulders dropping but her aim still intact. “He let them rape me.” Her body trembles, a combination of her heartache and inconsolable rage. “He took her from me! She was my mother!”

If not for the severity and all around heightened tensions, Solana would notice the heartbreaking and furious expressions of the twins, Bayely, and Naomi who now know the exact horror she has experienced. The reason for her disposition. The source of her trauma.

Roman, however, remains focused on de-escalating the situation. “I know, baby, but you’re not a killer, Solana, and I’m not about to let you become one.” If she was thinking straight, capable of thinking clearly in this moment, she’d know he’s only protecting her. Only trying to save her from the thing she told him not even a week ago she could never forgive herself for. Taking someone’s life. “Once you do this, there’s no turning back.”

Solana’s eyes shut as another round of tears makes its way to the surface, heavier and harder to manage with the gun in her hand.

Roman notices this and takes a tentative step forward. “Please, Solana.” His tone is almost desperate, borderline begging. “Give me the gun.”

Eyes still closed and with a weakness she hasn’t felt in years, Solana relents, loosening her grip, allowing Roman to take the gun that he quickly hands to Jey. He moves to catch her as she falls into his chest, sobbing again. Roman cradles her head and kisses the top of her hair while Jimmy and Jey move to jump Xavier, taking that opportunity to get blows in on the old man, both careful to avoid any that could be lethal.

It’s obvious this son of a bitch is in line for a world of suffering that will extend far past tonight.

“Oh, we finna take our time killing you, motherfucker.” 

Everything sounds a bit distant. The sound of the twins yelling obscenities at the demon she called a father. Roman trying to comfort her, to settle her. It’s all too much. Too overwhelming. The crying settles into something sullen and solemn, silent tears streaming down her face as she murmurs against him, “I want to go home.”

The emotion is there, but her presence and awareness of everything is diminishing. Solana knows what’s coming, has experienced this state of separation, of dissociating. 

She needs to get away.

Roman says something she can’t make out, and before she realizes it, there’s another set of arms around her. Bayley. Naomi is chatting with Roman, the only thing she’s able to make out, 

‘Don’t leave her alone.’

Alone.

She’s not sure she’s ever felt that as strongly as she does at this moment.

________

It’s all such a blur.

Such a separate thing. Emotions separate from her. Emotions that are dark, heavy, confusing, overwhelming. Fleeting. There’s an oscillation of all the feelings. Tears that accompany heartache. Sobbing that accompanies grief. Nothing that arrives with nothing. 

It’s a brutal, miserable experience of feeling the weight of the world but also the emptiness of the void.

It’s obvious that Naomi and Bayley don’t know how to help her, don’t know how to comfort her, just continue to sit with her, letting her cry when she needs to and scream when she has to. Even Dulce sits by her side, whimpering every so often and licking her.

It’s appreciated. So appreciated. 

But….it’s not enough.

Losing her mother was heartbreaking. Losing her in the way she did, so violently and graphically was torture.

Being held down and gang raped by two grown men at twelve years old nearly killed her. They nearly killed her.

But, there’s something about finding out that her father, her biological father, was responsible for those two things that’s almost impossible to believe.

She knew her father was cruel.

She just didn’t know just how cruel until this very evening. 

Escape.

Her mother was trying to escape, trying to make a better life for herself and her children. And he killed her for it.

Tried to kill Solana too, and when that didn’t work, he traded her virginity in exchange for payment. 

Flashes. Glimpses. Images. 

They’ve been hitting her nonstop since the truth came out. Playing in her mind like some kind of sick horror film. It’s torture. It’s painful. It’s unbearable.

It’s too much. 

She places her hands on the bathroom counter, having finished using the bathroom after waking up yet again from night terrors.

Her eyes shut.

Solana is tired.

So so tired. Tired of the pain. Of the lies. Of the betrayal. Everything hurts. Everything feels so heavy. She tries to escape in sleep, but the memories haunt her and suddenly, she’s reliving it all, but now with the horrific knowledge that the first man who should have ever loved and protected her was responsible for her biggest traumas.

And it’s impossible to escape those flashes, those thoughts and flashbacks becoming more frequent and intrusive by the minute. She’s suffocating.

Drowning in her own head.

Drowning in her own body. 

Solana’s eyes open and fall over to the shower where her razor would have been available if not for her earlier strength and ability to hand it and the brand new box of them over to Bayley and Naomi.

Just an hour or two ago, she was able to do that much. Able to resist that temptation and not break years of sobriety.

But, now…. now she can’t. 

She doesn’t even want to.

That would only provide a temporary escape.

She’s just….just so tired.

She wants….needs something longer.

Something more permanent. 

Unable to escape the mental anguish, Solana leans down and digs through a toiletries bag from the trip she hasn’t unpacked. 

And she pulls out the bottle of sleeping pills. 

Roman’s request from months ago returns, smacking into her. 

“Any of those thoughts come back, you tell me. I don’t care if you have to paint it on the fucking wall. I want to know.” His intense expression is set right on her, needing to make sure she understands what he’s asking of her. “Understand?”

Her eyes water.

Roman….

Even with his lack of being honest with her, of somehow knowing but not telling her the truth, there’s never been a person that she’s loved more than him. Not since her mom.

It’s why she can’t call him. Can’t continue to burden him with having to deal with all her shit.

All she’s done since entering his life is make shit difficult. She’s done it with him. Bayley. Naomi. Jimmy. Jey. 

All of them.

They’ve had to adjust so much just for her, and for what? For her to end up right back where she started?

She can’t….she can’t do that to them again.

She can’t do that to Roman again.

She loves him too much for that, loves him too much to continue to hurt him.

She just….she just needs to remove herself from the equation.

Needs to remove herself from all of their lives. 

Forever. 

Shaking hands twist off the cap as she dumps a handful of pills into her trembling palm.

There’s the briefest second of a delay, a moment where she reconsiders, where she wonders if she’s making the right decision. But another flashback hits her, the feeling of the knife slicing through her mother’s lifeless body and entering Solana ripping her away from that reconsideration.

Another thought of Roman and her friends having to help her yet again.

Save her again.

She can’t do it anymore. She doesn’t want to do it anymore.

There is no saving her anymore.

This is the only way. 

And she swallows, using the water bottle on the counter to force the excessive amount of pills down her throat. A brief glance at her reflection brings on another set of silent tears. Broken. Empty. There’s nothing left for her to do, no reason for her to exist anymore.

Not even bothering to put the pills away, Solana walks out of the bathroom and into the dark bedroom where Bayley is the first to ask, still sitting in the chair in the corner of the room, dedicated to staying awake for her ‘shift’, completely unaware of this being the last time they’ll interact. “Do you need something?”

Solana shakes her head and climbs back onto the bed. Grabbing her phone, ignoring the tears that blur her vision, she types out a simple text to the one person she’ll miss the most. 

She’ll miss them all, but none more than him.

Solana: I’m sorry. 

Sent and delivered, she locks her phone, placing it on the nightstand, closing her eyes. 

Solana just wants to go to sleep.

And this time…..not wake up.

________

Rage. 

Fury.

Wrath.

And any word synonymous to anger, yet none of them adequately describe what’s coursing all throughout Roman’s body. Years. It’s been years since he’s felt this much anger, held so much of it that he has a hard time thinking and feeling.

He’s incapable of escaping the sound of Solana’s sobbing, the way she literally fell apart in front of him, breaking before him.

And it’s all because of the son of a bitch currently underneath him on the receiving end of  devastating blow after blow of Roman’s brass knuckled fists. How long he’s been hitting the old man is beyond him. Not long enough.

It’ll never be long enough.

Never painful enough. 

Not for what he’s done.

A hand on his uninjured shoulder temporarily pulls him away from his newfound life mission to make this piece of shit feel every type of pain imaginable before he takes his last breath. 

Roman’s roar bounces off the walls. “What!”

Jey looks unfazed by Roman’s irate tone and instead advises, “he’s unconscious, Uce. Let up or you gon kill him.”

That’s the fucking goal.

But not yet. Death is too sweet for Xavier to receive at this point.

Huffing and suddenly aware of all the energy expended as well as the blood splattered all over his clothes and face, Roman tosses the knuckles to the side and issues an order to Jey even while walking, refusing to acknowledge any appreciation for his warning, “let me know when Jimmy has them.”

Them.

Them being the two men who have no idea what kind of horror awaits them. Men whose names were tortured out of Xavier pretty easily by Roman.

Rapists.

Solana’s rapists. 

Reaching the locker room  in the back, Roman easily strips himself naked and steps in the shower, allowing the water to rain down his body, red mixing with clear and disappearing down the drain. Hands against the shower wall, he shuts his eyes.

He can’t escape the sound of Solana’s wails. He’s never heard or seen her so upset. Never wanted to. It’s the exact reason he settled on not telling her the truth, because he knew this would happen.

Knew this would destroy her.

It’s just the extent of the destruction that worries him.

Just how far back this has set her that has him feeling something he hasn’t felt in years but has now experienced twice tonight. Once when he saw the hand raised and gun lifted in Solana’s direction and now her breakdown.

Fear.

It has him scared.

And Roman doesn't know what to do with that emotion, doesn’t know how to handle it outside of beating the shit out of and torturing her father and rapists. But even that only does so much.

It doesn’t do enough, because she’s hurting, more than she probably ever has, and he can’t do shit about it.

Because making the fuckers who hurt her suffer doesn’t do shit for the pain she’s experiencing now.

And he hates that shit. Hates that she’s hurting and he can’t help her, take away that pain from her.

With all the frustration in his body, Roman slams his fist into the shower wall, forcing himself to calm down just enough to get cleaned up.

He uses a fresh set of clothes in the lockers to redress himself, redoing his bandages and using a towel to dry off his hair as best as possible. 

But, it’s when Jey comes and seems to interfere with Roman starting his next round of torture, a thought of starting to skin the old man sounding more than desirable, that his frustration multiplies.

“Not now.”

Roman continues to walk when he feels Jey forcefully grab his arm, forcing him to turn around. Roman looks at his hand and then back at Jey. “Have you lost—”

“Roman.” 

But, it’s the tone that stops the Head of the Table from issuing out his threat. In all the years he’s known Jey, he’s never heard his cousin use such a heavy, spooked tone.

“What?” There’s hesitation, and that only pisses Roman off. “What!”

Jey swallows, answering with an almost pained countenance. “Solana’s at the hospital.” Jey’s frown, sadness seeped and imbued into his usual gregarious voice. “She tried to kill herself, Roman.”

________

Three.

There’s now been three separate occurrences in a single day that have caused Roman to experience the emotion most unfamiliar to him.

Fear.

And this third time, it’s the strongest it’s ever been as he marches into the hospital floor where he was informed she was.

“Where is she!”

And when his gaze lands on a clearly disturbed and crying Naomi and Bayley, the anger only grows as he moves over to them. “What the fuck happened!” Roman doesn’t give them time to respond, too consumed with his anger that’s truly a mask hiding his fear. “Why weren’t you watching her! I fucking told you to watch her!”

Bayley is the first to shoot up from her chair, eyes watery but scowl intact. “We were! She—”

But, he’s not trying to hear shit what she has to say. Not when they’ve failed him in the worst way possible. “Obviously you fucking weren’t because we’re standing in a goddamn hosptal–”

Jimmy, who Roman had completely forgotten came along with him, Jey as well, does his best to diffuse the situation, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Roman, you need to calm—”

But the Head of the Table is too far gone, harshly shrugging off his cousin’s innocent attempt at calming him down. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Roman removes himself from their presence, not even wanting to see these useless bitches as he calls out once again. “Where is she!”

It’s only then he sees a blonde woman walk out from the back, dressed in a white coat, clipboard in hand. She looks irritated which only pisses him off because how the fuck do you work at a fucking hospital and look annoyed. But, when she sees him, or maybe sees how irate he is, her gaze softens. 

She steps in his direction as Roman also steps toward her, putting some distance between himself and the group. “Mr. Reigns, can—”

“Where is my wife?” It’s the same question he will keep asking until it no longer needs to be asked because he’s taken to her.

The woman, doctor, probably, frowns, motioning to the back. “Can we talk in private?”

Roman pinches the bridge of his nose, doing his best not to violate his code of never putting his hands on a woman. But, this bitch is really fucking pushing it. 

He just wants to see Solana.

He needs to see her. 

“You’ve got three fucking seconds to take me—”

She scoffs, relenting and “Fine, we’ll do it here. Your wife is in recovery. We were able to successfully pump her stomach, but we had to sedate her because she was inconsolable upon waking up. I suspect she’s in the midst of some sort of psychotic episode.”

There’s so much in that sentence to process. Roman doesn’t even know where to begin to dissect it, so he starts with the part that pisses him off the most. “She tried to overdose on pills and your solution was to put more fucking medicine in her?”

The doctor, however, seems to show no sign of backing down. “My patient needed to be stabilized, so I stabilized her.” Her voice softens a bit as she adds, not necessarily as something to throw in his face but rather an important note he shouldn’t ignore. “If you had seen how upset she was, you would have understood.”

Roman, however, can’t think about that. Can’t think about how upset and terrified Solana must have been. Somehow a level calmer, he expresses once again, “I want to see her.”

“I understand, but—”

Right away, Roman knows his brief respite from level 10 rage is about to be broken by whatever she’s about to say. “What?”

She takes a deep breath, informing, “I’m putting her on a 5250 hold.”

Roman looks from side to side. “What the fuck does that mean?”

There’s no sign of hesitation as she explains, “it means I’m keeping her here in the hospital for two weeks on a legally mandated psychiatric hold.”

Yeah….he was absolutely right. 

Level fucking 10. 

“Like hell you are!” Roman is seeing red. Who in the flying fuck does this bitch think she is to say Solana is staying in the hospital? “She’s coming home with me. Tonight. The minute she fucking wakes up.”

And that’s a fact.

“How much do you know about Solana’s psychiatric history?” A lot, and that’s why he knows she doesn’t need to stay here in this forbidding, sterile place. She needs to be home with him so he can take care of her. “This is her second suicide attempt. Now, I don’t know what the hell happened to trigger this psychotic break, but your wife is severely and actively suicidal.” She lowers her voice, softly and almost sympathetically sharing with him so only he can hear. “She was inconsolable because she was upset we saved her life. She was upset she was still alive.”

That’s it.

The thing that makes Roman’s anger crumble almost entirely. 

He wanted to believe it was a mistake, an accident of some sort. Didn’t want to believe that she truly intended to take her life tonight.

But this woman has no reason to lie, and beyond that, he’s innately adept at deciphering when someone is lying and when they’re being truthful. 

She’s not lying. 

Solana wanted to die.

Solana wanted to actually die.

And he doesn’t know what to do with that information. 

At all. 

The crack in his harsh exterior must be evident, because the doctor continues to try to convince him what he now knows probably is the right thing to do. “You can get her to sign an AMA and take her home, but I guarantee you that she’ll end up right back in this hospital for another attempt…..and the next time might be too late.”

He can’t.

Roman can’t lose her. He can’t even let himself think about what he would do if he lost her.

Especially if it was because of her own actions. 

She continues, desperate, “let us get her stabilized. On a medication regimen. As I said, this presents as a brief psychotic episode, which we can help her manage and treat but only if you let us keep her here to monitor her.” 

Roman tilts his head back, eyes closed as he scratches his beard. There’s an unfamiliar weight in his chest and stomach at the thought of having to leave this hospital tonight without Solana. But this isn’t about what he wants, it’s about what’s best for Solana. 

It’s about what she needs, and he’ll do whatever he has to do to make sure she gets the help she needs. 

“Jey.” His cousin steps up, previously keeping a respectful distance. “Get with security. I don’t want a son of a bitch that’s not Bloodline or Bloodline vetted to step foot on this floor while she’s here.”

Jey nods. “You got it.” 

Roman overhears footsteps followed by the woman speaking again, “Thank you.” She takes another deep breath and informs, “Now, it’s standard practice that we not allow visitors the first couple days—“

And just like that, the anger has returned, even more intense now that he knows Solana isn’t getting released tonight. Or anytime soon. “I don’t give a fuck about your standard practice—”

Bayley’s voice suddenly enters the conversation, Roman aware that the remaining group has stepped forward, obviously wanting to be aware of the plan and what happens now. “Roman, can you please just let Dr. Stratus do her fucking job? This isn’t about—”

Bayley, however, chose the wrong time to fuck with him. Because any filter he ever acquired because of Solana certainly won’t be used until she’s back home, with him, where she belongs.  “Like you were supposed to? Solana wouldn’t be here if you were watching her like I fucking told you to! This is your fault!”

There’s a small, minute part of him that feels bad when he sees the devastation on Bayley’s face, but it’s short lived, vastly overpowered by his tremendous anger. 

And fear.

Bayley is quick with the response though, ready and willing to aim just as low as he is. “Fuck you, Roman! You don’t get to blame this on us! You should have fucking told her! You had no right to keep the truth from her! She’s here because of you!”

The dark irony in her accusation is that It’s nothing he doesn’t already know.

Nothing he doesn’t already hate himself for.

Bayley is absolutely right.

This absolutely is on him. 

His attempts to save her only damned her. 

“Stop it! Both of ya’ll! This don’t do shit to help, and Solana wouldn’t want ya’ll fighting!” Jimmy suddenly jumps in, moving between the two highly emotional people, even if both are only expressing it as anger. He turns to his cousin first, as Naomi tries to pull Bayley away, also working to de-escalate an already tense situation. “Look, Uce, I know you want to see her, but—”

“I’m not leaving without seeing her.” Roman’s gaze is on his cousin but it’s directed toward the doctor who either takes some type of mercy on him or recognizes that Roman will literally kill everyone who gets in his way if she doesn’t give in to his demand, because she’s switching her tune.

“A couple of minutes,” she relents. “But only you.” 

Roman doesn’t care about the rest of them anyway. They can see her whenever they fucking see her. 

He’s the one who needs to see her. 

But, it’s in seeing her that a part of him wishes he didn’t. Because this isn’t right. She shouldn’t be laid up like this, unconscious, pale, such a sad expression on her sleeping face.

He hasn’t seen her like this since that first night he overheard and woke her up from her nightmare.

A nightmare. 

He’d give anything for that to be the case again. 

“I can’t lose you, Solana.” It's the first thing to leave his mouth, a plea and prayer. There’s nothing but vulnerability in his voice, and he doesn’t give a fuck. He’ll be as vulnerable as he needs to be for her. He’ll do anything for her. “I need you. I told you that, but I don’t think you understand how badly I need you.”

If there was any doubt before, it’s completely destroyed now. He doesn’t know how honest or comfortable he could be outside of these four walls, if it wasn’t just the two of them, but right now, with nothing but her steady breathing and rhythmic beating of the machines she’s plugged up to, he’ll pour his heart out.

“You can’t leave me, alright?” Roman’s hand moves to her forehead, thumb caressing her skin that feels too cold, doesn’t feel like her. “I don’t care what it takes, what you need, what I have to fucking do, but I need you to get better, and I’ll do anything to help you.” 

And he will. It’s why despite how much he hates this notion of having to leave her, the almost anxiety he has at having to leave tonight without her in his arms, he’ll do it. He’ll do it because he just wants her to be happy.

She deserves that, and he’ll do whatever it takes to get it to her. 

His voice is thick with emotion. “I just need you to stay with me, baby, okay?” Not being able to see her pretty brown eyes, the curl of her full lips as she smiles, his favorite fucking thing in the world, it’s torture.

He never wants to see her like this again. 

He can’t. 

He won’t.

Roman kisses her forehead and forces himself to walk out of the hospital room, one of the hardest departures he’s ever had to do. Dr. Stratus is waiting outside the door, and just like that, the infamous stoic, unreadable expression is back.

With Solana, he’s just Roman.

But for everyone else, he’s the Tribal Chief. 

There is no other option. 

“No men on her care team. Women only.” If she’s going to be here, he’s going to make sure she

has everything she needs. “I want daily updates. Anything happens or changes with her status at all, I want to know. You understand me?”

Dr. Stratus must have also read the section in Solana’s medical records that alludes to her sexual trauma, because she doesn’t object. “Understood.” She swallows, bringing the medical chart to her chest. “You know…I head an inpatient women’s psychiatric clinic about an hour out. It’s not uncommon for patients like your wife to transition there following dis—”

“You can keep her on your two week hold, but she’s coming home with me as soon as that’s up. Try and get in my way, and I’ll fucking kill you.”

She’s wise to not push, smart to not try to stop him from leaving, because as far as Roman is concerned, there’s nothing and no one he’ll stop short from torturing, killing, and maiming if they try to get in his way of being with Solana.

He can’t live without her.

He loves her too much to live without her.

[all-you-need-is-paul-mccartney]

James (Paul McCartney x Fem!Reader)

A/N: Hello! I've decided I have to make a chapter fic for Paulie because I'm in love with him. There are gonna be at LEAST 6 chapters in this fic, so there will be plenty more coming! Stick around, like and comment, and let me know if you want to be tagged when I release more chapters of this!

I want to personally thank my editor @strawb3rri-le for helping me make these ideas come into fruition. Literally cannot do this without you <3

Summary: Paul meets a pretty girl in the library one day, and is elated to find out she is oblivious to who he actually is.

This fic is written in third person from Paul's perspective, which is kind of different to how I normally write my x readers, so it might be a little jarring to read at first, but I just wanted to try something a little different :)

WARNINGS: I'm not certain I wrote any curse words in this one, but I'll say there is just to be on the safer side. Mentions of mushrooms/ fungi; not drug-related, but I figured I'd add that because some people don't like them. I use Y/n like 4 times in here around the end it drives me nuts, but it has to happen. I don't think there's much else.

This one is pretty safe, if I could rate it lower I would, but I'll mark it at T just to be on the safe side.

Paul could have watched the heavy raindrops hit the window pane for hours and hours. the grey clouds drifting in the sky above brought nothing but heavy showers to the streets of London that dark afternoon...

But that's not what he came to the library for.

He came here for some peace and quiet.

He wanted to get some more songwriting done, but the apartment didn't seem to be the place for it that day, and everywhere else just appeared to be crawling with girls. As much as Paul liked girls, he didn't want to be noticed, because then his day would have simply consisted of him trying to escape the hoards that would have started chasing after him.

The library felt like it made the most sense. People were there to read, study, keep to themselves; not to socialize with others and be loud. As long as he found a little private area to sit, he knew he wouldn't be bothered at all. He also figured, if he couldn't come up with any song ideas, he had tens of thousands of books to refer to for inspiration.

And that was the situation Paul was in at that moment. He'd been sitting in his little study nook for a while now, just staring blankly at his notebook, or out the window next to him. Usually the words came flowing from his mind, translated by his hand and onto the paper, yet that particular day, nothing seemed to be inspiring him.

He rose to his feet after a while, notebook shoved under his arm as he wandered off into one of the aisles nearest to him. He wasn't looking for any book in particular. Sometimes he'd just pull one off the shelf, flip to a random page, and read a random sentence in the middle of the text. If it seemed to be interesting enough to inspire even a single line in a song, Paul would use it. If not, off to the next book.

He began to do just that, with older books with worn spines, and newer books with colourful covers. Unfortunately, even after the fourth or fifth book he pulled from the aisle he was in, no inspiration seemed to manifest from what he was reading. He sighed as he pushed the book he was holding back into its place on the shelf before he made his way to the next aisle over.

Paul began repeating what he was doing before, reaching for a book, and flipping through the pages. This particular book, he cut three separate times, and not one sentence seemed to draw any kind of innovation for his songwriting.

Once again, Paul shoved the book back onto the shelf. As he stared ahead at all of the different pieces of literature before him, one book in particular seemed to catch his eye. It was green, with gold accents on the bevelling as well as the raised parts of the spine. Without a second thought, he reached up for it, only for his fingers to come into contact with someone else's.

Paul drew his hand back and glanced to his right, where a young woman about his age stood. He held his breath, fully expecting an overreaction from her at his presence.

Instead, she smiled awkwardly at him, her hand also drawn back close to her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were after that one," she explained gently, and Paul blinked, raising a confused eyebrow before looking back to that specific book. After a moment, he pulled it down off the shelf and examined the cover, the golden text embossed into the front cover reading 'Europe's Most Common Mushrooms, and Fungi: A Field Guide'.

"Do you like learning about Mycology as well?" She asked curiously, and Paul's gaze shot up to her face, eyes squinting a little at her question.

He was half confused on what she was honestly asking him, but he was also kind of surprised she wasn't pointing and shouting at the fact that she found a Beatle in public.

"... Mycology?" He asked back sheepishly, and her awkward smile warmed up a little at his question. She pointed at the book cover before responding with another question. "You know, the study of mushrooms, and fungi?"

Paul's eyes dropped back down to the book before cracking it open and flipping to a random page as he was doing with all the others. A beautifully illustrated picture of a mushroom with a porous underside presented itself to the young man, and his eyebrows furrowed at the image.

"That is a Boletus Edulis," she explained quietly to him. "It's a tasty gourmet mushroom found in Europe, as well as in North America."

Paul looked back up to her briefly before returning to the book and flipping to another page, a red capped mushroom with white spots being the next image to catch his eye.

"Ooh, and that one there is an Amanita Muscaria, also known as the Fly Agaric. It received its name back in the day because grinding it up and putting it in window sills and doorways would repel flies from entering your home."

"... You sure know your mushrooms, huh?" Paul asked carefully, rather impressed with the few bits of information provided to him by this stranger.

"It's definitely a good hobby to get into. Nothing beats going out onto the trail and foraging them for dinner." She paused briefly before adding, "I mean... the boletes are fine, but perhaps not the amanitas." 

Paul closed the book up again before taking a final glance at the front cover.

"I'm uh... sort of grabbing books at random, looking for something inspiring. There needn't be a reason to hang onto this if you need it," Paul explained, presenting it to her so she could take it, and her fingers accidentally brushed against his once again as she took it from him.

The graze was so gentle, yet Paul felt his cheeks warm up at the contact. She was awfully pretty, he decided to himself in silence as he watched the look of joy on her face appear when she flipped the book open herself. She stopped on a page containing a drawing of a white mushroom dripping black ink at its edges.

Paul couldn't help but double take the image. To think there was so much about the world he didn't know a thing about... it made him feel so small, and insignificant.

She must have noticed his gaze on the page, and figured she'd teach him about one more specimen. "These ones," she began, with a rather excited exhale, turning the book Paul's way so he could see, "are Shaggy Mane mushrooms. They are edible and good, as long as you haven't consumed alcohol for a few days prior to, and post consumption. Then they'd be quite toxic."

She smiled at the tidbit and looked up to Paul's face, nose crinkling a little. "Isn't that just the neatest thing?"

Paul couldn't believe what he was hearing. He never really thought about mushrooms before. Sure, he'd seen brown and white ones before in the grass, or growing on trees, but there was something about the way she relayed the information with such passion, that just made it so interesting to him. It was unlike anything he ever experienced before.

"... You have a very natural way of describing this sort of stuff," Paul expressed, nodding his head to her positively. "I honestly never realized there were so many different ones."

"Oh, what I've told you doesn't even scratch the surface of the world of Mycology," she explained, the smile only growing on her face, and Paul couldn't help but smile back at her.

"... I should really leave to let you continue on with what you were doing," she said after a moment. "I do appreciate you listening to my ramblings. I know I can sometimes get carried away with this sort of stuff," her smile fell away a little. "Not many really care about fungi, so it's nice to talk about my interests with someone who's willing to listen."

Paul's own smile began to falter, rather upset that such a pleasant conversation, with such a pleasant person, had to end so soon. He hadn't encountered such a normal discussion in so long. Not that a conversation about mushrooms and fungi was normal, but Paul felt it was just so refreshing talking about anything but him and his fame.

"... well, I rather enjoyed what you had to say," he admitted lightly, an undeniable blush flourishing from the woman's cheeks as she appeared to smile again, a little brighter than before.

"Well... thank you, again. You're very kind," she repeated, waving her hand kindly as she turned on her heel and wandered off to the next aisle.

Paul's eyes watched her round the corner, and he stood there in disbelief. There was so much for him to unpack in his thoughts in that very moment.

She had to have been one of the prettiest girls he'd ever seen; minding her own business in a library by herself, and doing something she really enjoyed. Her intelligence on the subject showed through her excited rambling, which Paul could have listened to for much, much longer.

Her voice was so pleasant, happiness apparent in her words as she described every species effortlessly, as if she'd known it all since the day she was born. It left him wanting to hear more from her.

But the cherry on top of all of this, was that she didn't even acknowledge Paul as anything but another human being. Not some big musician with whom she obsessed over just because of his looks. For someone who remained so calm, and pleasant in conversation, Paul was certain she had no clue who he actually was.

And he loved that.

As much as fame brought excitement to his existence, Paul couldn't deny that the concept of a simple, normal life with someone who loved him for him, and not his popularity to the public, was something he seemed to yearn for more often as of late.

He loved the idea of being a nobody, especially to someone he wanted to be somebody to.

He looked over his shoulder to the empty space where that green and gold book once sat, deciding to reach for the one sitting next to it. It happened to be another book on mushrooms and fungi, but it had a lot more words in it than images. He flipped to the middle of the book and read the fist word he saw.

Symbiosis.

He felt dumb staring at the word. He knew there was only one person he could ask to inquire about what it meant. He glanced up through the bookshelves, eyes searching through the gaps of the works to find her.

She only happened to be in the next aisle over, scanning the book titles off the spines above her head carefully, too in her own world to notice Paul's obvious staring through the shelving units. She pulled a book down and read the summary on the back, Paul watching her eyelashes flit lower and lower as she absorbed the words like a sponge in water.

He noticed that as she read, her lips gently mouthed each word, and he soon found himself stuck in a trance. He observed how her tongue poked out between her teeth to mouth words with the letter L, and how her lips would press tightly together as she read words containing B, and M.

Who would have thought, Paul wondered, something so small could be so hypnotizing?

She made a small face of approval to the book before stacking it on top of the green one she was given by him, and she headed over to an empty table in the corner of the room. She faced towards the shelves, back to the wall so she could see the whole library from her spot.

Despite this, as soon as she made herself comfortable, she was solely focussed on the books, and her dominant hand wrote out her notes almost romantically, notebook pages filling effortlessly with information that brought her joy.

Paul was absolutely mesmerized by her movements. Screw the rain, he could have watched her for hours. He couldn't get over the little flick of her wrist when she ended a point, or the wonderful silent motion of her lips reading out the words.

She drove him mad in the best kind of way.

She flipped to the next page in her notebook, and Paul came back down to earth, realizing then just how creepy he must have appeared, standing close to the shelf, and peering through to the other side to watch the woman simply minding her own business from afar.

His shoes felt like they were filled with cement, but he worked up enough courage to slowly move towards her table, opting to stand by a nearby shelf and stare blankly at the spines as to not look so awkward.

What would I even say to her? was the only thought at the forefront of Paul's mind, the black mushroom book still in his hand, one of his fingers wedged between the pages to mark where that silly word was. He knew he was going to ask her about it, but he needed to smoothly segue into it, somehow.

This situation was rather a bother to Paul. He felt conflicted as to why he seemed so nervous about approaching her. He was a flirt, and he loved making girls feel giddy, why would this stranger be any different?

He was close enough that he could have called for her attention, but her focus was faithfully undivided, completely oblivious to Paul standing only fifteen feet away from her, trying to muster up the nerve to say something, anything.

After talking to her for only a minute and a half, and having parted ways for not even five more, Paul found himself deprived of her voice, longing to hear anything roll off her tongue, as long as it were to him. He was pining to have her attention so badly, but standing and admiring her from only a couple of steps away was only going to get him so far.

His palms were sweaty, and he wiped them on his pants haphazardly as he took a deep breath. He took one more second to nod his head positively for motivation, and he stepped out into the open, facing her completely. His heart pounded in his chest, but he pushed himself to take one more step forward. And that happened to be enough for her to notice.

The stranger raised her gaze up to Paul, the look of neutral concentration on her face softening into a pleasant smile.

Just that made Paul weak in the knees.

"Find anything inspiring yet?" She asked him in a friendly tone, eyeing the book in his hand as his thoughts flatlined. He didn't expect her to speak first. On the one hand, he was relieved that it indicated she was okay with talking to him, but on the other, it put him off-script, and now he had to actually use his brain to initiate discussion.

"I uh..." he struggled for a moment, glancing down at the book in his hand, as well.

"If I'm going to be quite honest... you talking about mushrooms so passionately was pretty inspiring. It's all I can think about."

The woman's eyebrows arched in surprise, a gentle dusting of pink spreading over her nose as she took in his words. She toyed her bottom lip between her teeth, and Paul couldn't help but drop his gaze for just a second to admire her mouth.

"You know, I'm really flattered that you said that," she expressed gently. "That means a great deal to me. Thank you."

Paul couldn't even feel his legs now, basking in her praise, as a flower would to the rays of sun on a warm spring day.

"... I couldn't help but grab another book like the one you're reading," he explained, lifting it up to show her, and the apples of her cheeks rounded as she smiled even wider. Paul hadn't ever recalled seeing such a beautiful face before.

"I... I saw a word I don't know. I think you're the only person who can help me." The confession made Paul feel a little self-conscious; he didn't want to seem entirely stupid in front of her, but she really didn't seem the type to make fun of him over something like this, and really damage his ego.

Without a word, she pulled the chair out next to her as a silent indication for Paul to take a seat, and he took the offer graciously. He set his notebook down onto the table, and then opened the book to where his finger marked the page cut. She leaned in a little to peer down at the text, and he pointed to the word, realizing only seconds after just how close she was to him. He could smell the faintness of her body wash, and it made his head swirl.

"... This one." He mumbled, watching her in his peripheral as she read the sentence in her head, and physically mouthing the words as her eyes tracked each letter.

"Ah, symbiosis. It basically means two different organisms are benefitting off each other in some way or another. We would be a good example of this, right now," she offered, tilting her head up to look at Paul, who's ears burned hot at the eye contact, but he kept strong and held it for as long as she wanted to look at him.

"You're keeping me pleasant company, and in return, I'm helping you learn about fungi." He thought her point was going to end there, but she quickly added on, "from a natural standpoint, fungi and trees have a symbiotic relationship. If it weren't for the millions of miles of fungal network underground, connecting all the living organisms together, plants wouldn't be able to communicate to each other, or convert their energy from one to the other to achieve optimal growth."

"So... everything would die without fungi?" Paul asked slowly.

"I believe so," she nodded her head. "They play a role in every step of a plant's life. Take a tree, for example."

She slid the green and gold book over to sit between them, and she flipped through the first few pages until she found a diagram of a tree's life cycle, pointing to the images as she rambled on.

"Fungi help them establish strong roots when they're young. Some fungi actually provide nutrients in the soil for the trees to use as energy to grow tall and strong."

She turned her gaze back to Paul. "Even at the end, if a mother tree is dying, she will begin to use the fungal networks below to disperse her energy to her kin, sacrificing herself so they can grow, instead. They use the networks underground to communicate in their own special way."

The young man appeared to be in a dream-like state, head in his palm as he looked on in favour of her words. But when he noticed she stopped speaking after a while, he blinked, finding she was smiling a little awkwardly again, as if she'd asked him a question.

"Hm?" He asked, propped hand dropping to the table. He felt rather guilty his attention diverted.

"... I'm boring you, aren't I?" There was a hint of sadness in her words, a weak smile at her lips, and Paul shook his head quickly.

"No, no! Believe me, I'm listening." He thought for a beat, face going warm again as he confessed, "I just... I really love the sound of your voice. You have a way with words, and I did get a little distracted by that." The young woman's face fell expressionless, and Paul continued.

"I may be rather daft on the subject, but there's just something in the way you talk about it that makes learning about it so much more enjoyable. Please, don't stop talking."

She opened her mouth to say something, but she shut it as she pondered what to respond to Paul with. Her face was flushed, and she was holding back a grin, which ultimately made Paul a little confident considering he was the one that made her flustered.

"... You probably say that to all of the girls you talk to," she finally replied, eyes casting down to the books to hide her blush, and he couldn't help but bite back a smile of his own.

"Well, none of the other girls I know are quite like you," he stated with poise, eyes still locked in on her, hands clasping together as he noticed her blush deepen, and a smile finally breaking through.

Paul then attempted to downplay such a strong interaction. Despite talking to her the way he wanted to, he didn't want her to be uncomfortable with how forward he felt he was being.

"What does your boyfriend think about your hobbies?" He asked. "He must be so proud, and fascinated by how passionate you are about all of this stuff, surely."

She looked back up to Paul, her smile weakening a little. "Boyfriend? Oh I uh..." she cleared her throat. "I don't... I don't have one of those."

Paul's eyebrows lowered a little. "... As in you just got out of a relationship?" He tried to clarify, to which she shook her head.

"As in I've never really... had one." She had a sheepish look on her face, cheeks now red out of embarrassment rather than flattery. Her response sent Paul's eyebrows shooting up in surprise, to say the least.

"... Never?" He repeated in disbelief. She pressed her lips together in a line tightly, shaking her head once again.

"This," she gestured to the books with her hand, "is my life. It has been my life since my early teenage years. Mushrooms and fungi are... strange, and because I like them, I guess that makes me kind of strange, as well."

Her self-dejecting statement made Paul feel bad. In his mind, someone like her not being taken, though washing the feeling of relief throughout him, didn't add up at all. Not even her fascination in mushrooms made her odd, in his eyes.

"... If it means anything to you, I think you're just absolutely lovely," he said, watching as her lip pressed into a little pout as she regarded his words.

"I'm telling you... every guy out there has no idea what they're missing out on."

Paul desperately wished he could read minds; especially hers. She didn't speak, and Paul assumed that the was simply trying to grasp for some words to say. If he were in her position, he wouldn't have known what to say, either.

"For once in my life, someone has actually made me speechless," she confessed, huffing a sigh as she rubbed one of her cheeks, as if that would have made her blush disappear.

"I want to tell you thank you, but that doesn't feel like nearly enough," she explained. "Honestly, your girlfriend is very lucky to have such a charming boyfriend. You have a way with words, yourself." Her comment made Paul laugh, but only once. Inside his chest, his heart was doing somersaults, but he was trying his hardest to keep his composure.

"What girlfriend?"

The woman gasped at his response. "You lie," she accused, yet Paul knew it was all in good nature by the smile on her face. "Even if you were, with a face like that, there's no way you don't have girls chasing after you all the time."

How the tables have turned, Paul thought; a little excited he found himself in the same spot as her only moments after he made the same mistake. Part of him wanted to respond to her with something witty, like "who says I don't?", but the other part of him didn't want that to arouse any questions that would segue into a conversation regarding his job.

He couldn't risk having her know everything, and fall for the idea of him.

"I guess I just... haven't found the right bird yet." He figured that was another truth he could hold by without entirely lying to this poor woman.

"That's fair. Well, whoever has the pleasure of ending up with you is a very lucky woman, indeed." Paul's cheeks darkened again, the compliment making his fingers feel a little numb. He noticed her eyes drifting to the window above his head before she suddenly closed her books shut.

"The rain's stopped. This has been a rather lovely conversation, but I do apologize. I must be leaving now."

Paul felt his stomach drop, and his mouth fell agape, watching worriedly as she gathered her belongings and rose to her feet.

"What-- you're leaving? Right now?"

He felt the same way he did back in the aisle when she cut the conversation short, full of disappointment that it all had to come to an end again.

"I was on my way to my parents' house before the rain started," she explained with a lopsided smile. "I'm helping my mother prepare for dinner tonight, but the rain was so bad, I figured I'd spend some time in here while I waited for it to die down. And I'm very glad I made that decision."

Paul nodded his head, realizing the last part of what she said alluded to making his acquaintance. He also found he couldn't be upset at such a wonderful gesture of kindness, her going to her parents'. "That is very sweet of you to do that for her," he said gently, standing up as well before she disappeared again.

"Before you go," he started, feeling hot beneath the collar as he tried to gather a little bit more courage to speak, her expecting eyes on him making him rather anxious.

"I would like to keep in contact with you," he paused briefly, "only if you want. I just... I've had a really pleasant time talking with you, and learning about your interests, and I would very much like to do all of this again."

Her cheeks rounded out again as her smile widened a little more-- Paul couldn't get over that damned smile of hers.

"You know... I would like that a lot," she finally answered, glancing down at her notebook before flipping to the last page and ripping it out. She folded it in half, and then tore it at the line, handing Paul one of the halves while she began writing on the other one. Paul watched with a pounding heart as she scratched out her phone number, and he began to do the same.

When they exchanged the papers, Paul examined the number she provided him, and then read the name she printed above it, a smiley face drawn next to it. he tried his best to concealing his excitement within.

"Y/n..." he mumbled thoughtfully, eyes casting back up to look at her. She laughed a little as she flipped the paper in her hand to show Paul, which only contained his phone number.

"That's me, but what am I to call you, exactly?"

This is where Paul found himself in another dilemma. He wanted her to call him Paul, but he also didn't want her putting two and two together if she recognized his name. He didn't want to entirely lie to her, either.

That's when a light bulb went off in his head. He realized the greatest loophole, and solution was staring him right in the face.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Paul reached for the paper again, scribbling his name at the top. But he wasn't using 'Paul'; he decided he was going to use his real first name.

"You can call me James," he explained, handing the paper back to her. She surveyed the name at the top of the paper before looking back up to him.

"Finally, a name to a face," she hummed in content. She then offered a hand out to Paul, to which he took so they could shake and say their farewells.

"It was an absolute pleasure meeting you, James."

It was the first time in a very long time Paul had been called that by anyone. He figured he would have hated the sound of it leaving her lips, but instead, it made his heart flutter. His face felt hot again, and it was apparent y/n could see the flush of his skin, because she smirked a little.

"The pleasure is all mine, Y/n. Please be safe." He finally let go of her hand, waving good bye as she did so as well, turning on her heel once again, and heading to the counter with her books to sign them out.

She slid Paul's phone number into her notebook as she walked away, and Paul just stood there for another moment as he watched her leave. He was was still feeling so many emotions now that he was alone, unable to help himself reaching back down to the piece of paper she gave him. He ran his fingers over her name and smiled a little to himself.

"Y/n..." her name was like a breath of fresh air to him. When he looked back up to catch one more glimpse of her, she was already gone. It made him feel a little empty, but when he noticed she left the black mushroom book for him, he felt just a little warmer inside.

Paul reached for the book, sliding her number into the pages, and deciding he was going to sign it out and try to learn a little on the subject. If they ever planned to meet in the future, he could try and impress her with some of the information he learned.

He didn't end up getting what he was looking for at the library, but he felt he was leaving with something he needed.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A/A/N: Okay, I hope yous enjoyed that! Part 2 will happen as long as I have people requesting it. I have ideas, I'm just missing supporters<3

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previous

———

“Hm,” Piper says, fingers steepled. She looks very intently at the air in front of her. “Hm.”

Nico scowls impatiently. “Feel free to be helpful at any given time. Now, even, if you’re so inclined.”

“Have you considered that the reason you’re so infatuated with Will is because you may be blessed by Apollo?”

“I’m infatuated with Will because he is the physical manifestation of everything I value in a person,” Nico says automatically. Then he frowns, processing the rest of Piper’s sentence. “Wait, what?”

Nico understands his error as the grin on her face stretches into something truly grotesque. “I was going to make a joke about your drama levels, but thank you for that. I’m really looking forward to telling several dozen people and delighting in the knowledge that you’re going to curl up into a bundle of humiliation under your bunk tonight as you think about it.”

Instead of answering, Nico decides to walk away. Since there is so much blood concentrated in his skull, resting mostly around his face region, he takes two steps and begins to pass out, but luckily Piper has followed him and impedes a head injury by gripping his arm and merrily forcing him forward.

“So,” she says, steering them towards the amphitheatre, “what’s Plan B?”

“Bold of you to assume there was a Plan A.”

“You like Sunny Boy way too much to walk in there blind.”

“…Touché.”

She’s smug enough to be silent, slinging an arm over Nico’s shoulders as they walk. The closer they get, the harder Nico is forced to grapple with just how godsdamn much he’s softened. I want you to be happy, Father had said. Camp will be good for you, Chiron had agreed. You’re a little twit and need socializing, Mr. D had snipped.

Nico needs a better father figure. He wonders if Paul Blofis’ offer is still open.

The amphitheater is not, of course, empty when they arrive, because Nico knows the Fates personally and each of them despises him. The actual training part is empty — unsurprising — but the stands are moderately filled, with people gossiping, braiding hair, and if Nico is not mistaken, a small, pop-up nail painting salon. Mitchel lifts a purple-smeared hand in an absentminded wave as they step onto the packed dirt.

Nico ducks under Piper’s arm, turning to face her. “I need to fight you,” he informs her. “For my own personal pride.”

She nods thoughtfully. “It does indeed need restoring.” He curved, icy blade gleams in the early afternoon sun, mirroring her dangerous smile. “Square up.”

Since honour is for nerds, Nico doesn’t bother waiting. He simply attacks, lunging for the left side Piper always leaves open. Unfortunately for him, her recent meddling in his love life means her mother has blessed her with a little sprinkling of extra verve, and she dodges easily and cheerfully.

He sends a glum mental prayer down to his father.

Anytime you’re feeling generous, Pop, he grumbles, I would love a boost.

There’s an actual rumble to the ground, as his father laughs at him.

“Real kind,” he says out loud. “Dick.”

“I wonder if you would have more success in the wooing department if you had conversations outside of your own head,” Piper says sweetly. She spins her sword in a neat little circle by his face. “All bay brooding makes you look so…broody.”

Nico scoffs at her. “Will seems to like my broodiness. For some reason. So there.”

“And yet…” She trails off, shooting him a teasing look. Nico is unfortunately very easy to tease (thanks, Bianca) (and for that measure thanks, Hazel) (Reyna too, probably) (and honestly Annabeth) (gods, and Percy) (don’t even get him started on Leo) (really, it would be more prudent to name the people who do not take sick pleasure in driving him up the wall) and as such succumbs easily to her tormenting, taking a hard hit to the side when he’s too keyed up to avoid her spinning slash.

“Note to self, don’t let the monsters know about big embarrassing crushes,” she muses. “They make Nico sloppy and will get him killed in battle.”

She mimes writing something down. This, thankfully, leaves her distracted enough that Nico gets his sword levered against hers, twisting until she’s disarmed. She lifts both hands up in surrender when he points a sword at her throat, but remains entirely unaffected by his glare.

“Pride re-instated?” she asks.

Nico huffs. “No.”

…Yes.

“You’re such a grouch,” she says fondly. She tries to ruffle his hair and is forcibly stopped by his jab to her ribs. Unfortunately, Piper McLean takes no shit sitting down, and in a minute they’re on the floor, getting caked in dust, trying to see who can leave the most bruises on the other. Nico would wager that they’re just about tied.

“You have a list,” Piper grunts, muffled as she bites his bicep. He shouts, wrenching his arm away — she is pointy. “I have no idea what you’re all mopey about.”

He digs his knee into the small of her back. “I gave him flowers! He made a poultice out of them!”

“Technically, you made the poultice.”

He elbows her in the stomach. She shrieks and jabs her knuckles right under his eye.

“You’re so annoying!”

“You’re so annoying!”

“Ugh!”

“Ugh!”

Every part of Nico’s body aches. So badly. He’s not sure which one of them won their brawl, if either, but he knows for sure that he is actively turning purple. He feels like the first time his nonna gave him a hammer and a piece of cutlet — he was maybe five years old — and told him to flatten it. (He remembers, now, the look on her face as she wiped pulverized chicken flesh from her eye. Oops.)

“Go to Will and get healed up?”

Nico huffs a laugh, immediately wincing at the strain on his tender ribs.

“Yep. Let’s go.”

The walk is miserable and bruised. And slow, since both of them are limping. Several campers walk by snickering, since apparently Saving The Entire Damn World, For Real And Actually, You Ungrateful Brat, Should I Just Destroy It Again Then earns you no permanent respect.

It’s not too bad, though. Nico would rather chomp on concrete than admit it out loud, but Piper isn’t horrible company, and she hums when she walks. Bianca did the same thing. For once, it’s a pleasant reminder, although he does wonder if Nico will ever be able to look at the women in his life and not think of her.

(In all honesty, probably not. He sees her in the clouds, in the gnarled bark of the trees; feels her in the warmth of the sun; hears her in every snorting laugh. He likes to imagine how much she would love these women, though. If she were alive they would be her friends first. He knows she was happy with the Hunters, however briefly. He thinks he can maybe forgive himself if he thinks of her without weeping.)

“Least it doesn’t look too busy today,” Piper comments. She purses her lips at the Big House, which for once seems quiet. Perhaps Will made good on his threats and finally dosed the Hermes’ table breakfast spread with Benadryl. Nico would be proud. He deserves a day of peace.

“Great. That means we get the full force of Will’s bitching on us alone.”

Piper scoffs. “Please. You like it when he yells at you.”

Nico almost kills her for real. By the time she manages to kick him off of her, still snickering to herself, they both have a new layer of bruises on top of the old ones.

“Gods, di Angelo, you make it so easy —”

“Shut up,” he says hotly. “You are literally the most annoying person in this stupid camp.”

She sticks her tongue out at him. He scowls, kicking a rock to avoid kicking her and setting both of them off again. It rolls over the grass, pinging off the side of one of the many braziers and rolling finally to a stop back at his feet. In its new position, it perfectly catches the brightly shining sun, refracting the light in a dandelion-esque burst.

“Huh,” he murmurs.

Wincing at his stiff joints, he crouches, vaguely registering Piper pausing somewhere to the left of him. He scoops the little thing up, bringing it close to his face to inspect.

It’s roughly cut, so it’s not anyone’s jewel or anything. Some of the pieces are textured with tiny little divots, like a regular stone, but some are straight and flat and catch the light. Some kind of crystal, then. It’s dense, about the size of a walnut, and shaped kind of like a brain. It is a very familiar shade of blue.

“Holt Hades, you are sappy.”

Nico flushes, shoving the rock into his pocket. “Nobody asked you, Piper.”

“I asked me! I am always asking me.” She jogs to keep up with his suddenly speedy strides, gripping onto the elbow of his shirt when he tries to move faster. “Is this Plan B? Little gifts.”

“It’s a rock,” he says shortly.

“Diamonds are rocks.”

“I didn’t get him a diamond.” He pauses. “Should I get him a diamond?”

She shrugs. “I dunno. I’m not the one in love with him.”

“Who said anything about —”

“Nico! Piper! Hey!”

“Notice who he called first,” she whispers, right in his ear. She grins over at Will before he can say anything. Or curse her. “Hey, Will! How are you?”

It is unfair for a person to look good in mint scrubs. They don’t even suit him, not really, but he still looks — well, he’s beautiful. His hair is poofier than usual and sticks out like he stuck his finger in a socket, and his beam is so bright Nico has to genuinely squint to look at him, and how is it, honestly, that his freckles look like dappled sunlight? That’s not normal.

“I’m okay.” He waves them inside, not bother to close the door behind them — it’s nice out, and Nico knows he prefers the breeze and sun. “Bored.”

“Not enough ocular surgery to perform?”

Will’s grin turns wry. “Nope.” He reaches out to brush his thumb across Nico’s eye scar. He freezes, holding his breath, hyperaware of those callused fingers as they approach the ever-warming skin of his face, heart galloping in his chest. As soon as Will makes contact — because of course the touch was to get his vitals, c’mon, Nico, head in the game — he frowns.

“Why are so many of your capillaries burst?”

Piper smiles guiltily, holding up a hand.

“I beat him up.”

“Wha — you did not!” He turns to Will, indignant. “We beat each other up! She’s lying!”

Will sighs. He glares at them both for a full forty seconds, then turns his face up to the heavens, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like I do not deserve to be surrounded by this kind of dumbassery. Send lightning through the sky if I should let them suffer.

Nico waits. No lightning comes forth.

Will sighs. “Cot, let’s go, y’all know the drill.”

Piper mouths y’all as she sits down. Nico mouths eat dirt back at her.

“Now, I could hum sum’n and —”

“Sum’n,” Piper whispers delightedly. Nico ignores her.

“— get y’all fixed up good, but y’all’ve pissed me off good —”

Nico takes the initiative to pillow-smack Piper in the face while Will’s back is turned. Luckily, it muffles her shriek.

“— so I’m not gonna do all that.” He closes the cupboard with his hip, hands full of vials. “Ain’t even gonna waste ambrosia on y’all, honestly. Y’get some bruise ointment and a Tylenol ‘cause I know y’all were up to shenanigans.”

He puts a lot of emphasis on ‘nan’. Nico knows he is trying very hard to be stern, but he is in fact very cute, and Nico is putting a lot of his brainpower towards memorizing the specific wrinkle pattern that Will’s nose gets when he’s annoyed. If he says that Will looks like a bunny he might actually get shot, no matter how much Will allegedly seems to like him, so he manages to choke down the sentiment. But it is indeed there.

“— and take it easy, y’hear? Bruises don’t heal in a day.”

Gods, his eyes are really, really pretty. He’s almost tired of thinking it, but they match the sky exactly, all the time. Poets write about sparkling eyes and pretty faces all the time, but all of them can choke because all of them are liars. Will Solace has the prettiest eyes of anyone who has ever lived. They are indeed the windows to the soul, and his soul is just —

“This is for you,” Nico blurts. Essentially acting on its own, his hand slips in his pocket and draws out the blue stone, holding it out. “Um. I saw it and —” He glances at Piper, panicked, and she kicks him in encouragement. “Thought of you. So.”

Will stares at the stone for a moment. Nico sweats.

“Nico di Angelo,” he chides, hands on his hips. The panicked look he flits in Piper’s direction grows tenfold. He is not at all comforted by the grimace she sends back. “Do you think I’m so corrupt as to accept a bribe?”

“Um.” Nico hesitates. Piper smacks her face onto her hands, groaning. “That’s not what I —”

“Well, you would be correct.” Quick as a bird, Will darts out and snatches the stone, sliding it into one of his many (many) shorts pockets, nodding in approval. “I don’t have any aventurine. I’ve been looking for it. Good bribe.”

He sets down the ointment and Tylenol, gesturing for Nico to hold out his hands. Nico sighs, then complies.

“I mean, he didn’t destroy it, this time,” Piper whispers as he begins to sing, enveloping Nico’s body in a warm, golden glow. “So…progress?”

“Progress,” Nico agrees. He glances over at Will, eyes squeezed shut in focus, and rolls his eyes fondly. “Who knew it would be so hard to convince someone who already likes me to go out with me.”

———

next

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 1.1

So disclaimer: I took screenshots instead of photographing my screen this time, but the quality of footage is a thousand times worse so the images are still mostly shit. But anyway, here we go :)

We're going to have to keep a tally on how many times they refer to their relationship in romantic terms. Less than a minute in, Paul has used the description, “great love affair.”

And John's right on his heels with “the sexual equivalent of . . . People in love.” So there's 2 already. Oh boy.

That opening montage of John and Paul just living for the light in each other's eyes should actually be the official music video for “I wanna hold your hand.”

Also I wonder how many songs they have about hiding. Someone's got to have a list somewhere right?

I adore the absolute lack of reaction to John manhandling Paul.

And then This Look. He's in love with him, ladies and gentlemen.

I remember seeing somewhere that this footage was literally right after they'd finished “she loves you.” Which was pretty recently after Bob Wooler, which was right after Barcelona. And if you're like me and you think that song is secretly about their relationship? If Paul's just been singing “she said you hurt her so, she almost lost her mind, but now she says she knows you're not the hurting kind. She said she loves you” at you, after all of that? Of course John's acting like a fucking puppy dog.

Poor George tally number 1

Excuse me??? John wants to live in the Beatle apartment instead of with his actual literal wife until Paul decides to move in with his girlfriend? What? He's so insane. Cynthia, you're lucky Paul's a fucking social climber.

I think it's indicative of two things that Paul said “screw secret girlfriends” while John happily went along with secret wives. One: different levels of security in masculinity (John doesn't have gay eyebrows etc) and two: different relationships. Jane and Paul's relationship was a smart career move for both of them and I think, being upper-class, and having her own career, and not being a mother, Jane was in more of a position to have a say.

Every time I watch that footage of Ken Dodd asking about their parents I physically cringe. Poor poor babies. Do your research you idiot! I don't think that ever happened again. I wonder if Brian made sure of that.

Paul literally talks like such a husband here. “We've thought about it, and probably the thing that John and I will do . . .”

Obsessed with Paul shouldering himself between George and John after George's little joke shove. It's so protective and yet so subtle. Exactly the same strong posture and easy smile as when he stepped between John and that interviewer during the Jesus scandal.

Poor George tally number 2 (you can't quite tell from the pic but John is shoving him out of the way because how dare he put his suitcase by Paul's?! That's John's suitcase's spot!!)

All the Beatles were cuddly with each other. It's one of the cutest bits about them, the puppies in a basket aspect. But I think we'll need a “noticable spacing difference” tally for this rewatch, too, and here's the first.

Paul wearing John's hat for attention and it fully and completely doing the job? They're so embarrassing!

I actually love that John's imitation of his upper-class Scottish family (which Paul can't do) is actually much more convincing than his broad Liverpudlian (which Paul nails in two variations, one based off his own family) I'm obsessed with the class dynamics between them.

Poor George tally three. He shares this one with Ringo. That moment when Paul's pretending to interview them about their purple hearts and cuts them both off with, “thank you. Mi-mister Lennon,” and John and Paul proceed to completely forget the other two exist for who knows how long – certainly longer than the videographer was willing to record.

I find John sliding into Paul's raspy “tiiight yeeeah” with his very turned on “mmmMM it's been a hard” extremely suggestive. I'm sorry but I do.

It's like he thinks if he looks away for too long he's going to disappear or something. Which. Now that I said that. Yeah. That is what it is. Poor separation-issues baby.

Ringo: Paul, you wrote a beautiful song and you sing it great. John: yeah and you're SEXY! Let's not forget that, everyone.

Am I crazy to obsess over every little musical similarity in their songs? Yes. Can I help it? No. The little “oh-oh ohoho” in the If I Fell demo is exactly the same as in Imagine and (frothing and writhing) it means something I can feel it! I just have no idea what.

I also find the lyric change from “i hope that she won't cry” to “i hope that she will cry” extremely interesting. There's always a heterosexual explanation. Trust me, the straights are the Simone Biles of mental gymnastics. But while the published lyric can be read as a man bitter toward his ex girlfriend hoping to hurt her by flaunting his new relationship, the demo version is trickier. Could it be that he doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings by letting her know he's in love with someone else? But who else could John Lennon possibly have been in love with at the time?

“Too too much in love. Woah, too too much in love with you.” My heart

[l0stfoster]

Handing you guys an entire canvas of just Cursed Paul bc he hasn’t left my brain.

As usual, some little doodle content stuff teehee

- We retconned it so that the socs only stopped attacking Paul because Soda’s terrifying ass showed up. Umbra (Paul’s familiar) ran home looking for Darry and found Soda. He's her favorite of the gang so she's like 'good enough' and starts SCREAMING at the dude to get him to follow her. - The socs didn't know if Paul's power was physical or if he could use his voice like Soda so they choked him </3. They would've killed him in the process if Soda didn't show up. Imagine being in this dark ass alley busy jumping a guy and then you're faced with a fae who has this low-ass growl, with glowing eyes and fangs. Not to mention this looming shadow of a cat the size of a Caracal growling at you too. I'd be scared - Soda bursts their eardrums as he should (new power we decided on teehee. Supersonic whistle type shit, can break glass) - Some Parry bc Paul may be beat shitless but he's still Darry's pretty boy <3 - They can't get married but they have wedding rings. Paul's is a little one made of vines w/ a pretty little flower bc Darry couldn't afford a real one yet. Pony made it actin' like he didn't want to but made it literally gorgeous and one of a kind. Darry's is an actual ring because Paul saved up for that bitch for ages. Darry had an aneurysm when he saw it bc that bitch had an authentic diamond on it, Paul will not tell him how much it was. - Dally is the only one allowed to beat up Paul and will be very loud about it. Local New Yorker haphazardly slams fist over the head of this witch dude who probably has a concussion more at 5 - This isn't in the doodles here but I'm saying it as a fun sneak peek at some future art/writing for those who read this; Paul's magic is tied to his life force he will die if he ever loses his curse,, also blood rituals are dangerous <3. - If he's too frantic, Paul's magic can falter. Not very good when you're being jumped by a fuck ton of your old friends. - Paul is THE fucking cat dad ever. Umbra is his baby he birthed her /silly. She can do no wrong and he's her #1 defender.

I'm so sorry to the people who don't care for this au I'm insane rn.

On another note, that Greaser Design Lineup should be out soon!! Waiting for my Art Block to go away before I start the proper Justice For Tulsa frames bc they're more complex than quick little doodles!!

[aamy2100982]

Something that always makes me sad about the comic WAR! It's how uneven is the way Soldier finds out about the "betrayal" and how Demoman finds out about the "betrayal"

Like, Miss Pauling gave Demoman some nice weapons and told him that his friend agreed to fight him and Demoman just stood there like:

"Damn"

He didn't even have the time to ask questions or request more evidence or refuse a second time.

But Soldier? Man, how Soldier found out it was just cruelty. First of all

They scared the shit out of him when the guy just took off his jacket right there in front of him.

And then

They break his little heart when they make a fake recording of Demoman calling him a "bad friend". And yet Soldier refuses, reaffirming how much he appreciates Demoman's friendship.

And after breaking his heart, they reduce the pieces to ashes!

Soldier is an extremely proud and stubborn character. This secret is not just a silly thing, it is probably Soldier's most personal and intimate secret, I think many of us are even convinced that Jane really believed he was legally a Soldier who deserved respect, but no. Jane Doe is aware of who he really is and he decided to tell Demoman about this.

This wasn't like Demoman who was simply confused because his friend one day simply decided that he wanted to kill Demo. Soldier was actually led to believe that Demoman hated him and that he haven't respect for his friendship that he decided to reveal Soldier's most intimate secret.

Not only that. From what Soldier says, he also paid for plane trips JUST TO GO VISIT DEMOMAN! And he gave Demo significant gifts (the medals). For Soldier, this not only felt like a betrayal, but he "realized" (in quotes because we know this is an administrator's invention) that his friendship with Demoman was one-sided, because Demoman didn't do the same things for him.

(I know I made a mistake in the purple text, it's too late to change it, but it's not necessary to correct me again, I know I'm wrong. My English is from primary school and Internet so sometimes I read poorly and I don't understand a thing. I also didn't find anyone who has translated this comic into Spanish so I had to make do with what I know xd)

It just kills me how unfair this was for Soldier :"(

Edit: Demoman had his new weapons brought to the door of his house so he could have a test, Soldier didn't even know what weapons he would be offered, they just blackmailed him.

[hooked-on-elvis]

APPRECIATION POST

ELVIS AND THE BLUE MOON BOYS: As told by Scotty Moore.

On a December 27th SCOTTY MOORE was born.🎈 I'm a little late but I wanted to celebrate this special month and date still in 2024. So here's a little summarized story, from Scotty's POV, of how it all started to happen in the music industry for him, Elvis, Bill and D.J,, our dear Blue Moon Boys. The story of how Rock and Roll music was born when initially three young men formed a trio in mid-1954.

I must begin with an observation: "That's Alright, Elvis: The Untold Story of Elvis' First Guitarist and Manager, Scotty Moore" by Scotty Moore as told to James L. Dickerson, from where this excerpt above comes from, is a GREAT book! A definite Elvis and Rock and Roll music fans "must read." I'm yet to read Bill Black's story in "Don't Be Cruel, Elvis: The Bill Black Story" by Paul F. Belard and DJ Fontana's memoir book ("D.J. Fontana remembers Elvis")... but I'm taking my time enjoying Scotty's book for now. It's full of details and I'm impressed with each little part of his (their) story in those pages. People are not usually that interested in musicians as much as in the lead singers, specially if they're not musicians themselves, like me - but Scotty Moore had a very interesting life, besides the book is so well written, honest and fun you can't seriously feel it's even close to being uninteresting. Reading Scotty's book I never had the feeling of wanting to skip the story to the part where Elvis comes into the picture because Scotty's own story is that incredible! I mean it. Anyhow, I'm just sharing how much reading Scotty Moore's story was so important to me and made me feel a deeper appreciation for the Rock and Roll history as a whole and also it helped me better understanding Elvis as a person and how he came to be the legendary artist he became. I didn't finish the book yet, but I can tell from where I am in my readin that having Scotty, Bill and D.J.'s support, guidance and friendship was crucial to the rise of Elvis Presley as we know.

For the record, it actually started with Scotty Moore chasing his dream, cutting a record at the Memphis Recording Service and being asked to audition Presley afterwards. To think Scotty wasn't even supposed to be born! Haha... we'll get to that.

PICTURES: Three-months and five-years old Scotty Moore.

Winfield Scott Moore III (December 27, 1931 – June 28, 2016) was fond of music since he was a child. One of Scotty's bigger brothers gave him his guitar as a farewell gift when Scotty was five years old and his brother, Ralph, the youngest son in the family prior to Scotty being born, joined the US Navy (picture 1 is Scotty wearing a Navy uniform his brother sent him while he was serving). Scotty Moore had four siblings, three boys and a girl. In ascending order of age, they were Carney, Mildred Lee, Edwin and Ralph. His sister, Mildred, sadly passed away when she was only fourteen years old and Scotty wasn't even born yet. It was a hard time for the Moore family, but that sad event in their story was the reason why Scotty existed. Scotty's father, Winfield Scott Moore, found relief for his grief in music, playing fiddle and the banjo, instruments he taught himself how to play. Later he would teach his children how to play guitar. His mother, on the other hand, never got over losing her only girl. Scotty's brothers were born respectively in 1911, 1913, 1915 and 1917. Mildred, born in 1913, died in 1928. A couple of years later, Mattie Moore, Scotty's mother was already thirty-eight years old while her husband and Scotty's father was forty. Regardless of their age, she was so inconsolable over losing her only girl child, they decided to have another baby, hoping for another girl. That's when Scotty was born, in 1931. Scotty laughed when sharing this story. His parents never treated him as if he was a mistake, always showed him the same love they had for all the other children. However, being born with a huge gap regarding the other children in the family (Scotty's brothers were already 20, 16 and 14 when he was born), was not that easy. He felt left out simply because his siblings were in different moments in life than he was. Growing up as the only children in their household possibly contributed a lot to Scotty's relatively reserved, cautious, sober but highly creative personality.

The Moore family — L-R: Edwin, Scott (father), Carney, Ralph, Mattie (mother) and Scotty.

Given the circumstances surrounding his family, as the Great Depression hit hard, Scotty and his brothers grew up watching his father playing music in square dances and parties to help supplement the family's income. Eventually all the boys were involved with music, joining their father in a family band and playing together to help making ends meet. Like them, Scotty grew to love music but found in his guitar more than a way to unwind or to make a few bucks, he actually got serious over playing music and eventually went to dedicating most of his free time to improve his guitar skills.

"Scotty wanted to go fast. He wanted to play music you could dance to. It was as if there was some yet undefined, an inner rhythm simmering inside him, something wild and raw trying to break out into the light of day."

Excerpt "That's Alright, Elvis: The Untold Story of Elvis' First Guitarist and Manager, Scotty Moore" by Scotty Moore as told to James L. Dickerson.

Growing up, Scotty did not find his vocation in school. In his words, he "didn't dig" the school, being an average student. He dropped school for one year after completing the ninth grade, dedicating his time working in the family's farm, but not enjoying the work decided to go back to finish his high school education. In January 1948 Scotty followed his older siblings' steps and decided to enlist in the U.S. Navy. He was only sixteen at the time — the minimum age to join the Navy was eighteen or seventeen, with parent's permission. Therefore, Scotty had to lie about his age. He was lucky his father was supportive. According to Scotty, that was the only time his father lied, to help him. At the age of sixteen, Scotty Moore was a Navy man, still he never left his guitar aside. During his time in the Navy, Scotty formed different bands. One of them even had a fifteen-minute radio show on radio station KPRO in Bremington, Washington, and also played at clubs and parties off-base.

"When he played song the way they were written, they somehow came out different - faster, more energetic. On the outside, Scotty was cool and collected, and shy country boy. On the inside, he was bubbling with emotion. Music was his release. No one had ever heard music the way Scotty heard it; no one had ever felt it the same way."

Excerpt "That's Alright, Elvis: The Untold Story of Elvis' First Guitarist and Manager, Scotty Moore" by Scotty Moore as told to James L. Dickerson.

PICTURE: (1) The USS LST-855, the first ship on which Scotty served in China, and its officers. (2) Later, Scotty served in Japan and Korea on board of the aircraft carrier USS Valley Forge. Picture shows Scotty (left) with musician friends on board of the USS Valley Forge.

Scotty had to become a man fast, the Navy training and his time serving were enough to achieve that. Still, when he returned home to Tennessee after being discharged from the Navy on December 4, 1952, with a China and a Korean service medals in his collections, he was still headset to make music his life and main source of income. By 1954, while he worked at common jobs to make a living, after all at the tender age of 23 he was already a former Navy man, married (then to Bobbie Walls, his second wife) and had two children from his first marriage (to Mary Durkee) he needed to support — Linda Moore, born in December 16, 1950 and Donald Moore, born also on December 16, but in 1952 — Scotty had been trying to gather musicians to play in his free time around Memphis and its neighborhood. Those musicians groups had many different formations, none in particular and no official band for a while. it was upsetting since Scotty took playing music seriously. He looked for musicians as passionate and dedicated to music as himself to form a band and, eventually, he would find those musicians who would encourage him to pursue his dream even further.

Scotty's first real band, a band he formed (under contract and all, quite unusual at that time for small bands) and to which he was the manager to, was the Starlite Wranglers — Lead vocals by Doug Poindexter, Bill Black on bass, Millard Yow on steel guitar, Clyde Rush on guitar and Thomas Sealy on fiddle. Just like Elvis but prior to him, Scotty did cut a record with his band at Sam Phillips' Memphis Recording Service facilities (Sun Records) in Memphis, Tennessee, in May 1954. That's how he got acquainted with Sam. The songs they recorded were "My Kind Of Carryin' On" (A-Side) and "Now She Cares No More For Me" (B-Side).

However, the Starlite Wranglers did not succeed as Scotty hoped for. Still, he continue to perform live in small gigs with his band, concerts he would book himself. At that moment, it was enough satisfying that he had a band with a real record out but he wanted better, he needed more. Scotty continued to visit Sam Phillips at Sun Records, hoping the man could get him a better chance to succeed in the business next time around. One summer day in 1954, Scotty was asked by Sam Phillips to audition Elvis Presley for him, to find out if Elvis was worth his time, money and records producing skills, following the suggestion of Sun Record's secretary Marion Keisker, who had been chatting with Elvis back and forth since he got into the studio in July 1953 looking to cut a private record as a gift to his mom, as he said. Marion was enchanted by the young's man politeness and lovable personality but also with his persistence in making music his real job. Scotty, on the other hand, knew nothing about Elvis, had never seen him until that point. He decided to invite Bill Black to help him out with the audition at Scotty's home (983 Belz street, North Memphis), a house that shared the same neighborhood as Bill Black and his wife's home. It happened on a Sunday afternoon: July 4, 1954. That same day, after the audition, Scotty gave his approval to Sam Phillips and they all got together at Sun Records. That's when "That's All Right, Mama" a 1946 blues song originally recorded by Arthur "Big Boy" Crudup was covered... but at Elvis, Scotty and Bill's brand new style.

PICTURES: 1. Scotty Moore's home in 1954, at 983 Belz street in Memphis, TN. The street was renamed and now (as far as I know) it's the Eldridge street, North Memphis. 2. Bill Black's home at the same neighborhood (967 Belz street). Moore and Black were neighbors in mid-1954 after the Blacks (Bill and his wife Evelyn) told Scotty and his then wife, Bobbie, about a home available for rent there. They first auditioned Elvis in Scotty's home on July 4, 1954, according to Scotty "Elvis arrived shortly after noon." ••• Credits (pictures): Mike Freeman on Flickr, pictures taken on February 21, 2011. Additional info: Youtuber Billy from "Spa Guy" channel visited the address. Here's a video uploaded in 2017 that shows the sites: "Elvis Presley Audition Scotty & Bill."

Scotty had a long story with music of his own prior to Elvis coming into his life. He knew much more about the music industry than Elvis at that point when they met (mid-1954) and so did Bill Black, both already used to entertaining small audiences in honky tonks, which proved to be just what Elvis needed, jovial musicians with a passion for music as strong as his own, but people that could school him on the business.

The trio was a perfect match. Elvis' voice and the attention he got, the curious gazes from both youngsters and adults, interested not only in his voice but also in his flashy looks and unusual movements onstage, combined with Scotty's management skills and Bill's boldness to experiment with sounds and the great enthusiasm and energy he brought onstage, encouraging the rather shy young Elvis to let loose and show everyone his true self, was like the stars were finally aligned when those three met. When Elvis already had a deal with Sun Records and was finally a music artist as he dreamed of becoming, a member of the trio gathered by Sam Phillips to which Scotty Moore naturally took over the management responsibilities (in contract signed on July 12th, 1954 just a few days after Elvis' first audition with Bill and Scotty), due to his previous experience as a band manager. Initially, Scotty Moore was the only person actually booking gigs for them. The easiest way for Scotty to introduce his new band to the public was by incorporating the trio as "special guests" to the Starlite Wranglers shows. One of the sites they played at was the Bon Air Club, a bar at the outer rim of the city (Memphis) limits. That was before Elvis and The Moon Boys could even have a name, as it would be for a little while...

The group's name soon after would come. Taken from the B-side of "That's All Right, Mama", "Blue Moon of Kentucky," a Bill Monroe hit from 1946 that was recorded at Sun Records by Elvis and the boys just a couple of days afterwards, on July 6, 1954.

"With 'That's All Right, Mama,' Elvis took a blues song and sang it white. With 'Blue Moon of Kentucky' he did the opposite: he took a country song and gave it a bluesy spin."

Excerpt "That's Alright, Elvis: The Untold Story of Elvis' First Guitarist and Manager, Scotty Moore" by Scotty Moore as told to James L. Dickerson.

Already on the road, a little while afterwards the three added a drums player to the group, D.J. Fontana. They'd met and become friends during the Louisiana Hayride gigs, where D.J. was an in-house drummer on its Saturday night radio broadcast. Hidden behind the curtains onstage for a Louisiana Hayride performance of Elvis and the Blue Moon Boys, on October 16 1954 at the Municipal Auditorium in Shreveport, LA, D.J. had his first taste of what it was like to play with the boys. D.J. said about playing with them: "I figured the best thing for these guys was to stay out of the way, why would I clutter it up with cymbals? I'll just play the back beat and stay out of their way. They already had the good sound."

Scotty's management on Elvis' career didn't last long, tho. As a local musician with no connections in the business that could give the band a national break, Elvis' management contract was given to the deejay Bob Neal, a friend of Sam Phillips, and, not long afterwards, to Colonel Parker, who would take over Elvis' destiny from then on. Scotty shares in his book that the moment he talked to Parker he could feel Elvis and the Blue Moon Boys as they were was not far from becoming history. He wasn't wrong. but that's another story. The boys still had time to be featured in some of Elvis' most remarkable films released in the 50s, as "Jailhouse Rock" (1957), and definitely left an everlasting mark in music and a legacy that'll never be forgotten.

It was crazy being a musician for Elvis Presley, sure, but those three guys rocked and, IMHO, the Blue Moon Boys are the responsible ones for Elvis getting to be so demanding on hiring his musicians when he went back to performing live, in 1969, after the end of his Hollywood acting career and a hiatus from live performances that lasted seven years. At the beginnings, Scotty said there was a point [at the peak of the Elvis Mania in the 50s] where they couldn't hear any music during the concerts, so they had no option but to guide themselves by Elvis' moves onstage to get an idea of what part of the songs they were supposed to be playing. D.J. Fontana said he could hear the music but couldn't see the other musicians when he started playing with the boys. Elvis couldn't hear himself in most of the shows in the 50s, specially when things got bigger and wilder from 1956 on. Elvis was a perfectionist and he expected his musicians to follow his lead onstage. He would gesture to them whenever he wanted a change in the pace or sound... when to begin playing, when to pause, when to lower the music, when to come to an end. Elvis liked how intuitive, quick and responsive to him Scotty, Bill and D.J. were onstage, and that established his standard for what good live musicians were made of. Other than a perfectionist, Elvis was quite methodical character in work. He wasn't one to get easily convinced into changing his way of doing things if he liked the way they worked before. That's another great insight Scotty's book gives us. As the band was originally composed by three members, they didn't have a lot of instruments to fill the sound in records, so Sam Phillips decided to put Elvis' vocals at the same level as the instruments as he produced their records. Elvis liked how that sounded, so much so that he just hated when people (and I mean Colonel Parker) wanted to bring his vocals front and put the instruments more or less in the background, which happened in some of his later records. Colonel Parker reasoned with that saying Elvis' fans wanted to hear Elvis' voice, nothing more and Elvis didn't agree in the slightest. Other example of Elvis being resistant to changes in the music business was in 1969 at the American Sound studio, when the way of producing records was very different than in the 50s, being more common to tape the parts of the songs separately (backing vocals, instruments and leading vocals) because that gave a better opportunity to explore with the sounds to the music producers, allowing them to reach different sounds than recording songs with all of the musicians playing and singing together in the same room as in a live concert could give. Elvis had a little bit of a hard time accepting it. He loved how the 50s music was made. That, my friends, is how the Blue Moon Boys era and his experience recording at Sun Records was dear to the King's heart.

Well, not so full of dates and details but that's it. Just a summarized story of the beginnings of Rock and Roll music in the 50s. In Scotty's book it's all way more interesting, I guarantee you. The point is... those guys were a force of nature together. They were different, fresh, exciting... as a team. It was not only about the lead singer for a while. Scotty was quite shy and modest, yet very mature and serious over playing music, while Bill Black was fun and energetic onstage, giving Elvis the encouragement to act more wild and bold onstage too, little by little but quickly becoming as untamed as he could be, inspiring fear and frenzy into the "square" 50s society. EP learned a lot about how to be an exciting entertainer at that time.

Scotty, Bill and DJ... I will always appreciate your efforts and dedication to music. You were extremely important, taught and guided Elvis while he was finding his way in the industry. Your place in history is permanent, and so is our gratitude. Don't be fooled, my friends, we still feel the direct impact Elvis and the Blue Moon Boys caused in the entertainment industry. They rocked our world.

I specially will always appreciate Scotty Moore being stubborn on his passion with music. In a world where so many people are wannabes, so many try to make it and give up when things get rough and life happens, Scotty's vision and creativity helped change the course of music forever. It wasn't easy. Scotty, just like Elvis in a future time, lost his (first) wife - among other reasons - because of his music inclination. Scotty and Bill were a reflection of what Elvis was, if we take a closer look at their private lives. As I said before, they matched. It was meant to be.

Happy heavenly belated birthday, Scotty. I hope I did justice sharing a little bit of your story. I am an admirer of your work. Even not knowing the least about music technicalities, I know enough to be certain your guitar playing talent inspired many great musicians that would come after you. Your story is unique and so special. I feel blessed knowing a little bit of who you were and how you felt. God bless your soul, dear Scotty. ♥

[menlove]

Honestly, getting into the Beatles made me see how little we actually know about history in general. For most of time, you have like 1-2 sources and you take their word for granted. And then you have the Beatles, the band itself made out of unreliable narrators, you have Paul who decides in every interview what his current truth looks like, you have John who sometimes changed his mind after each sentence. We have so many sources, we actually should know what happened, but we honestly don't! It's making me crazy for sure

welcome to my worlddddd 😭

like genuinely and literally...... yeah. because like. compared to a lot of aspects of history, we really do have an insane amount of sources and lore on the beatles. two of them are still ALIVE and so are many many MANY primary sources on their history. and yet we Still don't know a lot and have conflicting accounts of soooo so so many things

history is a Lot less concrete than people would like. it's extremely, EXTREMELY subjective and always filtered through the historian's bias no matter how carefully we try and represent the objective truth (or not! many historians distinctly do Not even pretend to go for objectivity)

which is why I find it a Bit silly when anyone tries to pretend they're above subjectivity like.....oh baby NO ONE knows what happened with literally anything ever. even with things where we have video that show events exactly as they occurred, just as important is everything behind the scenes and the stories of each and every person involved...... which will inevitably be Riddled with contradiction and confusion and people misremembering

like genuinely I have more primary sources to support mclennon than I've had on academic essays and I STILL can't say with anywhere near certainty that they were in queer love. I mean, I believe that, but it's still just an interpretation

history is fun! but it's more art than science

[bambi-kinos]

I have been thinking about this ask since I got it and as to the question of why John treated people the way he did, especially Paul. My take on this situation is that John Lennon was not allowed to grow up by the environment and people he was surrounded by and so he could not envision the future consequences of his actions the way that the average adult can. This with the addition of his constant drug use (which in all likelihood left him with significant brain damage) meant that he could not function the way an adult should.

John actually did have periods of emotional growth where he looked inward, changed, and tried to do better. These moments took place before he got famous, when he was faced with adversity and he rose to meet it.

IMO Hamburg 1960 was such a time. John partied, he found new pills to take, he experimented with kissing and shagging men, he discovered transgender people (and shagged them), and had a lot of ups and downs with his boyfriend(s) and his group. It is easy to dismiss this as mindless hedonism but as a retired hedonist myself (though I never pushed as hard as John did) I will tell you: hedonism can lead to introspection and self knowledge. John really pushed it to its limits and he almost lost Paul because of it but I think the Great Unknown that happened in Hamburg pushed John to actively change. He cleaned himself up a bit especially once Stuart left to be with Astrid. Once he came back to Liverpool (after enduring the trauma of his bandmates being ripped from him, yet another violent separation that no doubt would have left him in an emotional tailspin) he rested, hooked up with Cynthia, and then went looking for Paul knowing that he needed him to make this band thing work. Like, John spent a few weeks in his bedroom not speaking to anyone once he went home. He didn't want to be seen, he wanted to sleep and eat hot food, and think. He was considering whether he should continue with the band or not, if this was really worth it. Which implies there was a precarious moment where John was thinking of just ending The Beatles. He decided that the plan still had merit, ran into George, and then went to fetch Paul. A few months of light groveling and nagging later, Paul was his again. John committed to The Beatles and therefore committed to Paul. Paris was the culmination of this change and John's reward for putting in the work, and from what we can gather, Paul made every inch worth John's while.

The Beatlemania years leading up to Sgt. Pepper and psychedelia. This was period is more like 1961-1965 Shea Stadium. From here it was an upward climb and subsequently the most intense period of his relationship with Paul. I don't think this was just youthful enthusiasm and the flush of a new relationship, I think John was learning and growing as a person thanks to this adversity. He bonded even closer to Paul which resulted in their intimacy deepening; John's songwriting matured and culminated in "Ticket to Ride" which is a brutal self evaluation of his own faults and how he drives his loved ones away from him. You don't write a song like "Ticket to Ride" because you have no idea what it's like for your lover to get fed up with your moodiness and leave you. John was much more self aware than he's given credit for. This continued onward, them thinking they've reached the summit only to find there's a new height to climb. John said something to the effect of "I saw the top of the mountain" as a result of the first Shea concert. (They would do a second Shea concert in 1966.) That was when he realized that The Beatles were it and that they were not vacating the number one spot any time soon. What else was there to strive for?

And I think after that, a lot of John's emotional development kind of...stopped. Or was held up. Or slowed down to a snail's pace, whichever you prefer. The LSD had a hand in this, tripping constantly takes a lot out of you. Yesterday played its part, John emotionally retreated out of fear of losing Paul (which of course ensured that he lost Paul forever). Success becomes your enemy sometimes; John had so much success that he no longer had to face adversity, no longer had to grow because everything he wanted was on tap. As someone somewhere said, fame ruined the Beatles in this way.

That's the crux of it, I think. He just stopped maturing. It was childish the way he slagged off Paul -- not just Paul but other people as well. Sean said that John spent the rest of his life apologizing to everyone he ran into because of Lennon Remembers, which implies he burned a lot of bridges with that one. John had a habit of doing that and his fame as a Beatle enabled him to do it without consequences. No one was willing to stand up to him so he didn't get to learn a pattern of "don't do this or else this will happen." He was mentally damaged from his drug usage and I also wonder if he had a genuine learning disability of some kind because he simply could not make the connection between cause/effect: "If I do X then Y might happen so I shouldn't do X." His mother was not a drug user like John but she exhibited many of the same behaviors he did. Namely the "inability to visualize consequences" thing.

John did care about Paul, especially when it was starting out. I think the love was pure then because his mental aesthetic of who and what Paul was had not yet been distorted. John knew who Paul was, he knew who John Lennon was, they were in love and everything was possible.

But then John's untreated mental illness begins to take its toll, he's self medicating with drugs which does more harm than good, his mental aesthetic of Paul distorts more and more because Paul will not let him in. The media did this to John too, all of them reporting on how cool Paul was and how amazing Yesterday is and John is shitting himself internally because he can feel the split already forming between them musically. John is unable to stop himself from manipulating Paul in response, which is a bad move because Paul is the ultimate contrarian and bolts in response. Which sends John into deeper panic etc. And oh yes, the entire world is watching them while this happens and nitpicking their every move. We live in the age of social media, we know what this is like.

Over time that love became mixed in with anger and resentment. John could not tell fantasy from reality. He did what he always does and he imagined something, tricked himself into believing it, and then got mad about something that didn't exist. If he did reach out to Paul then Paul responded badly, which understandably devastated John's feelings.

When you show someone your real feelings and they dismiss you or trivialize your vulnerability because they want to Win At Being Right...your relationship crumbles with that person. A common bug in Paul's relationships is that he needs to Win At Being Right even at the expense of people loving him. We don't know this for sure but I'm convinced he did this to John plenty of times. Frankly, a relationship cannot survive that behavior. Lack of mutual respect kills marriages all the time. I absolutely believe that Paul disrespected John and trivialized his feelings (even if by accident) and that this caused John to become bitter over time since Paul took him for granted. Who wouldn't become bitter under those circumstances?

This is how they got into the "fuck you/no, please, fuck you/no no no fuck YOU/I absolutely insist, you must go fuck yourself" cycle. Which John really just expanded on during the 1970s with his bitching about Paul, it was just another level of the "fuck you bitch" cycle that started between them with Yesterday. And John's immaturity and brain damage from drug usage and his inability to understand consequences meant that he didn't fully comprehend what he was doing. He didn't want to think that Paul was vulnerable because Paul had rejected John's vulnerability. He didn't want to imagine he was hurting Paul deeply because Paul had hurt him deeply. He wanted revenge on Paul more than he wanted to keep his relationship with Paul because he thought Paul wouldn't be too damaged by it. I think John had gotten comfortable with the idea that no matter what he threw at Paul, Paul would not only survive it but that he'd rub John's face in it. I don't think John ever considered the idea that he could actually succeed in what he was doing, he never imagined that he would actually win the argument and that he would damage Paul's image and John's relationship with Paul forever. That sense of "I'll lose no matter what" enabled him to act out however he wanted because it wasn't like any of it would matter anyway, right? Paul can survive anything. He's invincible.

Right?

John did love Paul, I believe that. I think he loved Paul deeply and sincerely. I think if he actually understood what Paul was thinking and feeling then John would have changed tactics immediately or even stopped what he was doing. But John's drug usage, years of slights and disrespect from Paul, being unable to visualize consequences, and immaturity caused him to act out in a childish way. He stopped listening to Paul and started listening to his resentments and grudges. Lashing out at Paul was the only outlet he had and John didn't know how to do anything else. He had no incentive to learn otherwise and grow up, deal with Paul on adult terms.

Funnily enough I think it's actually losing George that finally set something into motion inside John. Like, George cut John off, an extremely big deal. In my neck of the woods its called "severing" and its probably the most difficult thing you can possibly do with any sort of relationship. George ignored John; he cut John out of his autobiography; he stopped talking to John; he did not mention him in public. He knew this was the most brutal punishment he could devise for John Lennon and it worked. John wrote "lost" by George's name in the word association game. John went too far bitching about Bob Dylan and not apologizing for hanging George out to dry. George had enough and did the right thing. He severed his relationship with John because John was toxic and dragged George down. Of all the people in John's life, George is the one who willingly served consequences to John when he was surrounded by enablers and errand boys.

That, more than anything, seems to be what set John on the back foot. I sincerely believe that George cutting him off forced John to do some introspection and that is part of what he was doing in the Dakota after Sean was born. Asking himself what he did to make George cut him off; and then John slowly started to grow and mature again. Because you see, George provided what Paul couldn't: he gave John adversity to meet, which forced John to grow as a person. And so we got the song "Woman" which is not just about the women in John's life but is also a letter to all the people he hurt with his thoughtlessness and immaturity, where he finally starts taking responsibility for his actions:

I can hardly express, My mixed emotion at my thoughtlessness, After all I'm forever in your debt,

I will try to express, My inner feelings and thankfulness, For showing me the meaning of success,

hold me close to your heart, However distant don't keep us apart, After all it is written in the stars,

please let me explain, I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain, So let me tell you again and again and again,

It's on par with "Ticket to Ride" and "I Know, I Know" in John showing introspection and discussing his own flaws. Something that he notably was not doing during his peak "fuck you Paul" era.

John loved Paul but also resented him due to their circumstances. He wanted to hurt Paul but didn't think he could actually do so because his mental aesthetic of Paul was so viciously distorted. He dehumanized Paul by putting him on a pedestal, made him an object John could degrade at a moment's notice to make himself feel better. You can do that to objects without consequences; when you do it to people, you get pushback.

Losing George and Paul keeping him at a distance for years is what made John finally realize that he had hurt them and that he could hurt them to the point that he would never see them again. It took years of self examination for John to come to this realization which indicates how disordered and muddy his thinking was.

[apollothesunrat]

I'm back with more PJO/Riordanverse headcanons! Some of these are also just ways I would have done things after seeing then in new perspectives. This'll probably be a long post so I'll put this all under the cut.

Imma start with the headcanons!

Malcolm and Jake were actually dating for a while but only told everyone after Nico and Will both came out.

Adding on to my Genderfluid Percy headcanon from before, Percabeth are both bi so Annabeth doesn't mind.

Mitchell came around during the Sea of Monsters quest and Lacy came at the same time as Drew due their mortal parents living in the same area since they go to the same school

Clovis has actually been at the camp nearly the same amount of time as Annabeth due to his sleep powers hindering his mortal mothers life, she left on the hill.

Thalia and Grover set up small hidden demigod camps for quests since it's common for monsters to destory your supplies. They are able to do this because they travel a lot.

Percy, and Annabeth often invite Will and Nico over so they can help eachother with eachothers Tartarus experiences.

Percy and Annabeth consider Nico a little brother and let him stay over at anypoint once they have their own home.

Every year Percy has three birthday parties. One at camp courtesy of his fellow campers, one at his home with his closest friends, and his family, and one with his cousins where they go out. Often the one from hosted by Sally and Paul is the only one actually on his birthday. The other two often happen the next day.

After Jason's death Leo and Piper decided to start meeting up at least once durung the school year, to check up on eachother. They are sometimes joined by others.

Percy knows how to cook, on the other hand Annabeth is not the best at cooking.

Clarisse and Percy spar together for fun when either of them need a break from everything else in life.

Clarisse often treats Will like a little brother because of how young he was when he became head medic and how many times he healed her despite her rude words at first.

Magnus and Annabeth have meetups almost every month, occasionally Percy and/or Alex will tag along. Annabeth and Percy have yet to tell Camp.

Percy and Annabeth also often meet up with Carter and Sadie for food. They like to check up on the younger kids. Percaveth had yet to tell Camp about these two as well.

When Sally and Paul want a date amnight and Percy and Annabeth aren't available the rest of the seven or Nico and Will are open to babysitting Estelle so the two can still go out. Everyone loves Estelle.

Now for the changed storylines.

I would have had Percy and Annabth stand up for Nico more during the deabte to go save him from the jar as they have know him since he was ten and it just makes sense.

Caleo but platonic. I've seen many points made by others where it shows Caleo isn't the best and honestly it is a bit strange to resolve Leo's arc by giving him a romantic relationship with an immortal much older than him. So instead of having them date, I'd have them bond over them both having bad luck with relationships and give them a sibling relationship.

I would have Drew be mentioned much earlier, give her a big relationship with Silena. She's always with her sister, looking up to her. She was always kinda of a mean girl but she masks her sorrow about Silena with more hate.

Talk about Jason's missing memories more. He never fully got his back, have him ask Reyna about his life, and Thalia about their mother.

I would make Ares just... Less the way Rick made him. He respects girls in his myths, he supports the Amazons. Yet he abuses his daughter? Have him be a supportive father that just hates other demigods cause they think of him as mindless war disrespect his children.

Similarly I would change Hera. Yes, it makes sense for her to dislike Thalia and maybe other big three children because of the myths. But not any other demigods. She, along with being the goddess of marriage and childbirth, is also the goddess of family and women. So many demigods have horrible families, let her support them discreetly by allowing her cabin to be the cabin for unclaimed campers, or perhaps by leading young demigods to Artemis so she can help them get to camp.

More seafam shit. Percy and Triton bonding, Percy meeting his other godly siblings other than Kym, Amphitrite getting to know Percy and acting like a stepmother, etc, etc. I need more of this.

That's all I have for now! I may post an au ideas post soon. I have many aus, some inspired by fics and some are completely made up of my own dumb thoughts.

[lauralot89]

Because I am a masochist, I decided I wanted to read all the 19th century vampire literature. Currently I'm focusing on short stories and novels rather than plays.

I have read:

The Vampyre - John William Polidori

Varney the Vampire, or The Feast of Blood - James Malcolm Rymer

Dracula - Bram Stoker

Dracula's Guest - Bram Stoker

I have not yet read:

Fragment of Novel - Lord Byron

The Black Vampyre - Uriah Derick D'Arcy

Lord Ruthwen; ou, Les Vampires/Lord Ruthwen of the Vampires - Charles Nodier

Vampirismus - E.T.A. Hoffman

La Morte Amoureuse/Clarimonde - Théophile Gautier

The Vampyre - Elizabeth F. Ellet

Spiritual Vampirism - Charles Wilkins Webber

Le Chevalier Ténèbre/Knightshade - Paul Féval

La Vampire/The Vampire Countess - Paul Féval

La Ville Vampire/Vampire City - Paul Féval

Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Strange Event in the Life of Schalken the Painter - J. Sheridan Le Fanu

The Fate of Madame Cabanel - Eliza Lynn Linton

Ninety Years Later - Milovan Glišić

Manor - Karl Heinrich Ulrichs

A Mystery of the Campagna - Anne Crawford

Let Loose - Mary Cholmondeley

Le Captine Vampire/Captain Vampire - Marie Nizet

The True Story of a Vampire - Eric Stenbock

The Vampire - Alexei Tolstoy

The Family of the Vourdalak - Alexei Tolstoy

The Reunion After Three Hundred Years - Alexei Tolstoy

The Prayer - Violet Hunt

The Blood of the Vampire - Florence Marryat

The Vampire of the Val-de-Grace - Léon Gozlan

The Vampire and the Devil's Son - Pierre Alexis Ponson du Terrail

Wake Not the Dead - Ernest Rapauch

The Vampire of the Carpathian Mountains - Alexandre Dumas

The Pale Lady by Alexandre Dumas

Pepopukin in Corsica - Arthur Young

Good Lady Duncayne - Mary Elizabeth Braddon

Luella Miller - Mary E. Wilkins Freeman

The Skeleton Count, or The Vampire Mistress - Elizabeth Caroline Grey

The Virgin Vampire - Étienne-Léon de Lamothe-Langon

The Phantom World - A.A. Calmet

Death and Burial: Vampires and Werewolves - Emily Gerard

And the Creature Came In - Augustus Hare

The Tomb of Sarah - F.G. Loring

And then there is this book which I don't even know if I can read, because I've yet to find an English translation and don't know if it even has one:

Der Vampyr – Novelle aus Bulgarien - Hans Wachenhusen

Are there any others I'm missing? Are any of those not actually vampire stories or not from the nineteenth century and I've been misled?

As to why the nineteenth century: I think if I tried to read all vampire stories EVER it would take the entire rest of my life and then some, and also early vampires are fascinating to me because all the standard tropes were not yet in effect.

As to why I'm doing this at all: Who even knows. I need things to distract my brain.

[alittlebitofloveliness]

PLEASE write more mini fics about ponyboy and curly i love them together

Hi anon! This is the first of the PaperCut asks I'm cooking up, so I hope you like it. Sorry it took so long!

****************

Curly Shepard knows he’s the hottest person alive, which is good, because he needs this to go well. 

He’s got a pair of Tim’s jeans on- they’re a bit long, but unlike his own they don’t have any stains- and he might pay for that later but right now it doesn’t matter. His muscle shirt might’ve belonged to Tim at one point or another too, but right now the important thing is that it shows off his arms. Gotta show off his gains if he’s gonna get a date for the rodeo this weekend. 

He really needs a date for the rodeo this weekend. Angela had bet him three dollars and a pack of kools he couldn’t find one and he was determined to prove her wrong. Also, he doesn’t have the scratch to spare if he loses- he’s trying to save up for a nail gun. Dally Winston told him a week ago about a guy in New York who used a modified nail gun as a weapon, and Curly wants to try it.

So, the date. He’d considered asking Catalina Perez- she’s been making eyes at him for weeks, and despite what Angela thinks he isn’t completely clueless- but he doesn’t really want to take a girl out. Girls are fine, but he’s gotta be like…nice and gentlemanly and shit and it's so boring. Besides, Angela just said he had to find a date. She didn’t say it had to be with a girl. 

There’s only one person he actually wants to ask out. Of course, Ponyboy will probably tell him to fuck off, but he tells Curly to fuck off a lot and only means it like a third of the time, so it’ll probably be fine. 

Curly flexes once more in front of the mirror (for confidence) and sticks his switchblade in his pocket. Momentarily he considers grabbing a jacket, but he didn’t spend the last three months beefing up his arms just to cover them with sleeves. Besides, it’s not that cold yet.

Angela’s in the living room with Sylvia, and he promptly decides he does not want to hear them rip him to shreds for his very cool outfit, so he climbs out his bedroom window instead. It’s good practice for gang stuff, he tells himself, because saying he doesn’t want to feel the sting of Angel’s judgemental gaze feels a lot like cowardice.

Once he’s outside he runs into a problem: he’s finally psyched himself up enough to ask Ponyboy out, but unfortunately he doesn’t have any idea where to find him.

Ok, that’s not completely true. Truth is, the guy is pretty predictable on account of his grumpy ass older brother keeping him on a leash shorter than Angel’s temper. Tim didn’t keep half so close an eye on him, and he’d done things Ponyboy probably hadn’t even dreamed of.

It wasn’t like Pony was any sort of goody two shoes. No, Curly didn’t like teacher’s pets and he liked Pony something awful. Pony just…wasn’t as dumb as him, that was all. And he had more to lose, with the state breathing down his neck and all. Curly could respect that.

He’d try the movie house first, he decided. Shit Ponkid liked movies, and anytime he went with him Ponyboy would get all pissy if he said anything about Paul Newman. (What did Pony like so much about that guy anyway? He wasn’t even that tuff looking and he talked like a soc.)

When he shows up, the movie house is empty except for a pair of socs getting handsy in the back row, so he makes his way to the library instead, hoping the old lady behind the desk has forgiven him for time he spilled Pepsi over half the books in the history section (it's not his fault ok? He got distracted.)

This time, his detective skills are as flawless as his face, and he spots a familiar head of reddish hair in the back corner near the biology section, Pony’s shoulders curled in his familiar slouch. The sight of it makes a familiar warm feeling start in his chest, like how good whiskey goes down, a feeling Angela had explained to him two days ago was ‘what a crush feels like, dumbass’ with an eye roll and a not so gentle swat on the head. Much as he hates to admit it, it’s a fairly common occurrence. He’s good at describing feelings but not naming them. Angela feels nothing, but knows what things are supposed to feel like. It works for them, even though Tim calls them weird for it. 

“Hey Ponykid!” His voice is too loud for the library and he knows it, but what’s the old bitch behind the desk gonna do? Kick him out? He could kick her ass.

Ponyboy scowls. “Shut up!” 

“You goin’ to the rodeo this weekend?” Shit. Curly had meant to build up to that, honestly he did, but Ponyboy Curtis has a way of getting him to act like a prize idiot instead of his usual cool, suave self. He hates what this crush is doing to him, and also never wants it to stop.

“No.” 

He goes back to his book. 

Rude.

“Why not?” Curly presses, leaning on the table in a way that makes his arms flex just the way he practiced. The moment is wasted though, because Pony doesn’t even glance up.

“Because.”

“Because why?” He should’ve known better than to come to the library. The only time Pony ever gets proper mad at him is this godforsaken hellhole.

“Because Angela told me you were gonna ask me out,” Pony shuts his book, a shit eating grin crossing his face, and fuck this was not part of the plan. Curly can feel his cheeks flushing and he’s not for the first time he’s glad his skin is dark enough it won’t be obvious. If Pony- or anyone else for that matter- had any idea how much he made Curly blush he’d never hear the end of it, “and she paid me a pack of kools not to say yes unless you ask again after this weekend.”

“She- she what?”

That had to be cheating. Even Tim would have to agree that was cheating, or racketeering or- or something. She was rigging their bet against him. Worse than that she’d told Ponyboy he was gonna ask him out, and now Ponyboy was prepared with his smirk and that face and whatever cologne he’s wearing which smelled so good it should probably be illegal.

“Sorry,” Ponyboy grins, not sounding sorry at all. He climbs to his feet, and Curly is suddenly acutely aware of how close they are, almost chest to chest. Pony’s maybe three inches taller, and Curly finds himself having to look up a bit into his eyes, “guess you’re gonna have to try again next week.”

Then he leans in and kisses Curly on the cheek. 

Curly’s brain melts. 

Pony must see it, because despite the slight flush on his pale cheeks, he manages to look completely smug as he turns away.

“Now fuck off, would ya Curls? I’m tryin’ to read.”

[kamiko1234]

*EVEN MORE YAPPING AHEAD*

Okay as of now I have finished chapter 3 of The Last Olympian and, OH MAN STUFF'S GOING DOWN.

So first off, I still find it EMBARRASSING how little Camp Halfblood does in terms of war. It's good that they started running missions but they STILL aren't a real army!

They lack a solid command structure,. They lack enough real allies (I guess the gods count as allies technically but like- it's not like they BEHAVE like allies. I mean Kronos' allies are in active communication with him to coordinate and strategize, so far it just seems tho gods are doing their own separate stuff in terms of fighting)

So far their whole strategy feels like the good old soviet approach of "throw men at the enemy and see what runs out first. Our soldiers or our enemies ammo".

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT CAMP HALFBLOOD DOES NOT HAVE THE NUMBERS FOR THIS STRATEGY AND THE ENEMY WON'T EVER RUN OUT OF AMMO.

Like how have none of these people properly militarized yet!? Why are they running single man missions instead of acting as a closed force!? Why are they FIGHTING OVER LOOT INSTEAD OF PLANNING?

I will give the "why are kids planning a war" thing a pass because, well, kids book and kids wanna see themselves. BUT WHY DIDN'T CHIRON STEP IN WHEN THEY FAUGHT!?

Clarisse just dipped! And with her the entier Ares cabin! And idk if you noticed but those Ares kids LOVE fighting- so for them to just decide to sit this one out? Yeah whatever that reason is it must be GOOD. (Also very based for Clarisse. I mande it more than clear that I do not like CHB, the more people are done with it the better)

Am I the only one realizing how BAD that is!? For your main fighting force to be so divided that entier GROUPS just decide to sit it out because the rest fucked up and no one addressed the problem!?

And how come that these cabins STILL ACT MORE LOYAL INWARDS THAN TO THE ARMY!? THAT'S BAD TOO YK.

I swear if you don't wanna do the whole "united front" thing ATLEAST INTRODUCE PROPER MILITARY STRUCTURE.

You guys I am genuinly worried about CHB right now. As I see it they were already massivley underequippe to deal with Luke. Much less with KRONOS.

I mean sure they have Percy, but like- he's ONE GUY. He ain't gonna be enough to believably deal with and defeat the entier army!

Honestly at this point the only way I can see Kronos being defeated is him falling down a flight of stairs and accidentaly impaling himself on his own scythe 💀

Also on anothernote, I finally found out the entierty of that prophecy and that Percy's apperantly going to die..... and well, I feel nothing.

Like genuinly nothing.

I do not care wether he lives or dies.

I mean, I'd still PREFER it if Percy wouldn't cosplay a martyr and end up with Uncle Hades but like- even if he does it wouldn't be the worst for me.

To be quite honest I find Percy a bit boring compared to the other characters at this point. He feels to have very little to no actual conflict when next to the other characters.

Like, what sort of conflicts does Percy have?

-Shitty Dad/Parental Issues? He has a locing mom, Poseidon is one of the better Dads in terms of Gods. Gabe was a dick no doubt, but he's been taken care off for ages now and doesn't rly affect Percy much anyway. And we don#t even have the "I got no dad 😢" plotline with Percy either 'cause he as Paul now to fill that role!

-Struggling with his ADHD and dyslexia? Both had little no no impact on the story like, at all. Often times it feels like they aren't even there to beginn with.

-Luke betraying him? He immideatly switched to full on hate and enemy mentality with Luke. He doesn't struggle with the guy suddenly being evil or fighting him. Neither dies he still believe in the good in Luke like Annabeth.

-His fatal flaw? I already made a seperate post on why I don#t really like that one.

Those are the main ones comming to mind BESIDES the prophecy introduced this book. But ngl? I already lost intrest in Percy in favor of Luke. I don't REALLY care anymore.

I guess we also have the plotline with Annabeth where it's very obviously heading for a romance. But I also couldn't care less about Percabeth as a ship. At most they mildly annoy me due to the fandom shoving it down my throat whever I dabble my toes in it.

Like, yeah Percy started out cool but now? I'd rather know more about Luke, Thalia and Annabeth. I wanna know more about Clarisse. I want to know more of the innerworkings of the camp.

Percy just became a sort of, meh factor to me.

I am HOPING that it get's better though since it would be SUCH a waste if I really stayed apathetic to the main character. There are hopes with Percy in his fight with Kronos noting that it's hard for him to kill Luke/Kronos in Luke's body.

As always I ask to mark any spoilers in your rebolgs or replies should you make them, thank you very much ^^