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the-faultofdaedalus · 2 years

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IDEA. AIRON MAN BESTIES WITH A ROGUE DOOMBOT WHO'S JUST TRYING TO BUILD THEIR OWN PERSONALITY AND LIFE OUTSIDE OF THEIR IMPLANTED MEMORIES..........

COULD BE AN ACCIDENTAL GAINING OF FREEDOM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, LIKE W/ SENTIENT ARMOR, BUT I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE RLLY NEAT IF THEY WERE A PROTOTYPE DOOMBOT THAT ENDED UP HAVING MORE FREEDOM AND CAPABILITY FOR GROWTH THAN INTENDED AND THEY'VE BEEN LIVING THEIR OWN LIFE SINCE (IDEALLY W/ VICTOR'S SUPPORT BC RESPECT FOR THE AUTONOMY OF HIS CITIZENS AND CREATIONS AND ALL THAT)

BONDING OVER THE TECHNOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS AND LIMITATIONS OF THEIR FORMS, THE PRESSURE TO APPEAR A SIMULACRUM OF A BIOLOGICAL ENTITY AND THE FEAR OF HOW OTHERS WOULD VIEW AND REACT TO THEIR TRUE SELVES, THE "I AM CONNECTED TO MY CREATOR, BUT I AM NOT HIM IN THE WAYS HE WAS HIMSELF AND I AM MORE THAT WHAT HE MADE ME FOR," THE STEMBOY SWAG, ETC........

I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE FUNKY TO EXPLORE LIKE. I AM AN INDIVIDUAL DISTINCT FROM MY CREATOR BUT I AM STILL TIED TO HIM. DO I FEEL OBLIGATED TO ONLY DRAW FROM HIS VISION? DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR ADDING ELEMENTS OF MY PERSONALITY TO HIS DESIGN OF ME? WOULD HE BE PROUD OF WHO I'VE BECOME?

TRULY THIS WAS JUST MEANT TO BE A VAGUE NOTION OF A POTENTIAL CHARACTER BUT I STARTED THINKING AND GOT HOOKED DJSLHFLSHFLS BUT YES HELLO

oh there literally are already feral doombots just Around. thats canon. they are... already sapient as far as im aware (but like, sapient in that they have enough of victor's memories and personality to successfully pretend to be him and sometimes for them to not know they aren't him. also they can feel pain. questioning why victor has made ten thousand cannon-fodder robots with also his whole brain in them which also can fully feel pain is a different post) but yeah feral doombots my beloved

there’s like…. at least two i know of. the one with the fancy coat and the one calling himself vincent that actually looks like a human, i love them. i have so many thoughts about feral doombots just Around and Vibin and its not like victor gives a shit. he can make new ones. whatever.

but also ;-; that's So good, especially if its somehow pre-reveal for iron man being Known as anything other than like, a human in an armor so perhaps he meets a doombot somehow (maybe it's stealing replacement parts from SI and when IM realizes that its not... actually taking anything dangerous hes like. oh. oh. because he's smart enough to also know why he isnt just going to get repaired like normal) and it's just, this sense of Recognition that iron man cannot say anything else

i think it would be good if it was like. iron man offers to help fix the bot. oor just, helps him. no expectation of anything else. and the doombot is supicious because of course it is, it was programmed by Paranoid Bastard Supreme, and it's not like iron man can even tell it why he wants to help it so badly, because even if he doesn't think it's actively a danger that doesn't mean giving it the information that he isn't human like everyone assumes wouldn't be... an incredibly bad idea. it's still attached to a supervillan, after all

(also sidenote but i am frothing at the mouth about potential doomquest in this universe it would be SO funny,,,,,, king arthur sends a pretty lady to iron man's room for "companionship" and iron man is just like. ah. ok. i dont know what is expected of me right now. also doomquest is very good to me, specifically, because its one of the only early comics things where almost anyone has more respect for tony than for iron man, which i enjoy, i think it would be SO good for airon man au especially if iron man is like. in danger of just... running out of power. technicallyyyyy i think this should also be a problem in canon, i think doomquest happens during chestplate era, where hes largely not able to go more than about a day without Dramatic Wall Outlet Time and yet hes fine just vibin in camelot (famously deprived of wall outlets) for at least a couple of days, but YEAH SEND AIRON MAN TO CAMELOT i think hed be both freaked out and also. sad that tony couldn't experience it. i think the background radiation of iron man's life is just... sadness that tony cannot experience any of the cool things he does)

but like... him continuing too help this doombot. maybe the doombot also helps him out somehow, as well. maybe subtly interveening in some fights. maybe giving iron man some neat lil tech tips. maybe a;klsdjfasdf the doombot still wants like. Something To Do and not just sit idle all the time or something so iron man hooks 'em up with a fuckin. tech support job. or like, product testing, for SI. something where he can just fix shit thats been broken in the stupidest ways or, try to destroy other things. who knows i dont. but maybe theres an attack at SI and iron man deals with it but hes damaged, and normally he'd like. hide away and do a quick n dirty patch job just so theres not obvious holes into nothing, but. the doombot follows him. and finds him. and its just... looking at eachother. knowing "oh fuck we're the same" and also "oh fuck he knows"

i think they should help fix eachother up and be buddies anyways it'd be good

#GOD good #wheeee bootleg doomtony go brrrrr #airon man au #just ;-; buddies #like i do think the rogue doombots are diverse enough #but i think Most of them would not go directly against victor #but also god. they help fixing eachother up and making eachother better im so. im soft #i do feel like generally the whole like. identity crisis from having made robot versions of yourself #is WAY less a thing in victor/the doombots than like. keeps happening with tony #tony: oh god what is me and what is not... at what point am i no longer myself #victor: if it has my face its me. and by face i mean the mask.#i think its fatal frontier where the ''if it has the mantle of doom it deserves the same respect as if it was me''#i think its good i think its funny that victor just skipped the identity issues #i do hold this hc right beside the. theres Something about victor making killable versions of himself #maybe he will never allow himself to die but the doombots can #also like. theres Something about the fact that like.... victor very rarely and basically never Expresses feeling pain #(like whatever the newer comic was. judgment day or whatever. where he burns to death and doesnt even scream)#whereas the doombots on MANY occations like. scream in pain as they are killed #THERES SOMETHING. THERES SOMETHING THERE. I THINK.#theres something that i am Constantly rotating very quickly in my mind

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felixscoolcomfortblog · 1 year

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"I agree with my fathers on almost everything. I actively was stubborn with Aunt Alana to keep my values strong.....but I have to admit something..." felix sat on the dry grass, staring hazily at the stone before them. Abigail Hobbs ".... I don't see you as a sister. I've never met you. the stories I've heard just make me sad. yes, im aware of my father's actions.... they are the only actions I frown upon. I will never tell them that I would worry in my bed, scared they would escape and hurt me. I love my fathers and I know they wouldn't, they have told me time and time again... I've seen their over 10-page document explaining why im different and that if they break those rules.....one or the other.....or I... am allowed to set everything ablaze....." they let out a soft chuckle. his fathers were so dramatic. ".... I know I'm not like you.... but being you scares me. I can see the fear around them and Alana when you're mentioned. it's like your ghost haunts them.....papa has continued to talk about you like a daughter.....but I think Dad would rather let the past be the past...I'm not like you...and maybe im just telling myself that... Alana sure tried to make me the second you....but you had parents....you had a life....you had friends and everything before dad and Papa came along......I didn't. they orphaned you and made the collective trauma a weird bonding thing.......meanwhile, they saved me....and were more stable together. they wrote up rules...I was never used....or a pawn...I was their kid. fully truly a unit.....I hope ...in a weird way.... me living is making you happy? That's weird I know......but.... it's more that im filling the hole you couldn't? or more actually papa and Dad are finally filling the fatherly hole they wanted to fill.....and that makes me happy? i don't know.....I just....had to get all that out there... Alana would just see it as her therapy working.....and Dad and papa would be heartbroken that I used to fear them.....which I don't...I love them with every fiber of my being. I trust them with my life.....but they wouldn't understand....telling you felt right....."

they stood up and smiled. they needed to let that out. they stare at the grave for a few more minutes. felix was the same age as Abigail and knew they wanted to visit her today for a very long time.

#hannibal #kin stuff #kin writing #oc #self insert

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tigerdrop · 3 years

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in lieu of doing more strenuous hand-based activities heres the Dogboy Gordon In Heat Megamix ive been talking about. i wrote this over the course of a couple months in an effort to feel okay about writing horny shit again and i only just realized there are nearly 6 thousand words here. and they only really fuck for like 10% of that

ta-dah

ive thought a lot about gordon being stuck back at gordonhouse after getting kicked out of barneyhouse. i think its ripe for a lot of pining. (and yes, he is pining over the guy hes actively banging. hes being a big mopey idiot over the fact that he doesnt get to have his fuckbuddy around 24/7.) absence makes the heart grow fonder or whatever and gordons already at a baseline of "wheres benrey. wheres benrey"......and now i am about to turn it up to 11

so lets say......gordons starting to feel weirdly under the weather. sweaty and irritable and tired. hes holing himself up in his room a lot, wrapping himself up in blankets to fight off a chill and a sniffliness that wont go away. and hes gettin awfully moody, too. real fuckin testy. starting shit with freemind for no reason and snapping at og gordon like hes a teenager. and......hes nesting, almost, or at least, gathering up a whole bunch of blankets and pillows and anything that smells vaguely like benrey. (hes not really aware hes doing this last thing.)

basically, long story short, feetman is fucked up. hes pathetic. hes being a huge bitch. at least og gordon feels vaguely sorry for him, and expresses this by way of observing him and trying to treat it. for science. its better than freemind, who just loudly complains about him being a huge bitch and reeking up the place. theres something weird coming from vr gordons corner of the house.....a musky, heady, hormonal kind of thing that makes freemind act simultaneously territorial and irritable and more lascivious than normal. and that also piques og gordons attention, because having both of them be wound up little freaks at the same time is enough to make even the most resilient person pull their hair out

now gordon primes got his suspicions as to whats going on, but hes not gonna tell vr gordon that he suspects hes going into heat. that would compromise the experiment, and all that. so poor gordons just going thru all this shit not knowing what in the fuck is wrong with him and getting more worked up and irritable about it by the day. hes convinced that hes just got the flu, or something......except, uh, haha, jesus christ he is horny all the FUCKING TIME

he doesnt get it! he feels like shit all the time, so why is he constantly fighting off boners and having weird wet dreams and thinking about-- well. his fucking boyfriend, he guesses. (are they boyfriends?? he doesnt know. he gets a weird, sharp pang when he thinks about them not being boyfriends, at this point, but its not like theyve ever talked about it!) gordons half-convinced that hes just losing his mind from being stuck inside all the time and he really just wants to see benrey again. its, like, all he thinks about. (see? hes losing it. theres the proof.)

the sucks thing for everybody else is that gordon is also Extremely Vocal about how shitty he feels and how much he wishes he didnt feel shitty so he could go see benrey and how much he cant stand benrey for not being able to read his mind and come over when he feels bad. eventually freemind gets so sick of his shit that he decides to cut out the middleman and get benrey involved directly. "come take care of your fucking dog before i call the aspca! animal neglect is a crime, asshole!"

(if pressed, freemind would adamantly reject the idea that hes being nice to gordon. but on some level, hes kinda sympathetic. the guys clearly miserable, and he just keeps asking for the same fucking thing. might as well humor him to shut him up.)

vr gordon is completely unaware of these machinations, however. hes just holed up in his room trying to work out what makes him feel better because, uhh, powerade isnt helping

jacking off doesnt do a whole lot for him anymore. like, it feels good, but its not very satisfying. gordon just ends up feeling more restless than anything afterward. and hes always stupid horny. more blankets. a box fan. less blankets. sleeping with one of benreys shirts pressed up to his face. grinding into his pillow when he wakes up hard from yet another weird dream. theyre all a little helpful, and he feels like hes working towards the right thing, somehow, but its never really enough to take the edge off

and then.....he tries......jerking off more. especially when he realizes that its bizarrely soothing to do so while he can smell benrey up close and personal on that stupid shirt of his. better still when he rolls onto his side.....and then his stomach.......rocking his hips into the mattress until he gets the idea to lift his hips a little. and......oh. cool. something kind of......clicks. in his head. as he raises his hips higher while he keeps his arms wrapped around a pillow and benreys shirt jammed against his nose. hes got that lil moment of realization that this is good, actually. this feels like a good move. and its making some of that discomfort melt away

and gordon thinks about.....how it felt. earlier. when they were with barmey. and benrey had him just like this, ass up, face down, and was spreading him apart and licking him open and making him submit and he groans so fucking hard that embarassment just rips through him like lightning. but his tail starting to wag a little faster.....electricity shooting through his belly......and he cant help but wonder. what if benrey had kept going? pulled back and-- maybe, replaced his tongue with his fingers, one at a time, curling them inside him and telling him how well hes behaving and-- and his dick throbs, hard, and gordon realizes he wants fingers inside of himself right fucking now, thank you, hes not fully certain how to accomplish it be he is going to fucking try

(sigh) so my guy figures out about the old fingers in the ass trick. and i need you to understand that i am fully convinced that this is one of those guys who has an uproarious reaction to getting fingers in his ass. mr repressed and uptight over here doesnt really get what the big deal is until he gets braver and pushes a little deeper and hes rock hard in an instant, goodbye, just like everybodys favorite creative writing exercise

and this is what he decides to do for a solid day or two without leaving his room, because, honestly, this is awesome. and the longer he spends jerking off the less time he spends stressing about the fact that his imaginations getting really vivid, here. sure, like, hes no stranger to weird dreams even before this, but this is the first time hes really letting his mind run wild and this dude is nonstop thinking about being bred and gordon still has no fucking idea that hes in heat. doesnt even occur to him

unfortunately this also does not solve his problems but at least it feels baller and it keeps him occupied. also, unfortunately, the increased rate of jerking off is causing a serious uptick in Dog Smells, the effect of which is turning freemind into a nightmare. its just not good vibes in this house. enter: benrey

now i need you to understand that when these two meet up again i want gordon to get Emotional. think about how genuinely excited he gets to see some of his pals in canon. the like......excitement and disbelief when benrey shows up outside his window throwing rocks at it before noclipping in. he forgets to even act pissed off at first. i think it would be super fucking cute for him to drop the game for a moment just out of shock, basically. his tails waggin, his ears are perked up, and hed probably tackle benrey to the ground if he wasnt also a sweaty, trembling mess whos been holed up in his room for days.

and benrey has No Fucking Idea what he has walked in on here. as far as benrey knows, freemind just demanded he get over there and take care of his dog.

(INTERLUDE: here is the part where i gin up a freemind POV of this exact scene. b/c i am out of my fucking mind

so. i had the thought of a freemind POV chapter where hes spying on gordon and benrey.....because. gordons in heat. ive talked about that scenario before too (literally so many FUCKING times okay i just need this dude to have the uncontrollable urge to be bred like a little bitch! and for benrey to take pity on him and make him feel better by nutting in him literally as many times as is physically possible!!!)

but i wanna manifest it in this specific way: from an outside perspective. voyeurism is great and also i have a one track mind and basically the only time i traffic in Other Guys in this fandom anymore is as a participant in gordon and benreys horse shit. Im not apologizing for this

lets say.....vr gordons behavior has been getting worse and worse for "unknown reasons" and freeman prime just sees it as a key observational opportunity for his research. while freeminds getting really irritated at how much its cutting into his normal way of life. for one thing, vr gordons room reeks, and he cant even escape it in his own room! and its turning him into a feisty, aggressive, and loud son of a bitch. but he cant even resolve it in his usual fashion at this point (baiting vr gordon into another competition/fuckfest) b/c gordons being a little sadsack holed up in his room and doesnt wanna play

but also.....he kinda just feels bad for the guy at a certain point. hes clearly really miserable and looks downright ill and all hes asking for is to see his boytoy again. (gordons convinced that hes dying, and feels the need to dramatically speak to benrey one last time before he croaks.) so freemind decides, in all his benevolence, to go over gordon primes head and drag the guy over there anyway. (with machinations, not his literal bare hands. what is he, a caveman?) he reasons that itll be a good opportunity to twist gordons arm into groveling at his feet later

and he spies on the two of them in gordons room.....why? idk. possibly something to do with investigating this relationship between a gordon and a barney that he had yet to fully analyze. tl;dr he gets trapped in their closet for a remix of that one barmey voyeurism chapter b/c why the fuck not

i just.....i dont know.....i think theres something really charming about a 3rd party not being able to fully make out what theyre saying or doing but piecing things together anyway.....like benreys weirdly soft tone of voice when hes talking to a super agitated gordon. as far as any of them know, hes not really like that. he either sounds bored or smug, but either way, its usually straight-up antagonistic

it would make freemind bristle to hear it b/c its almost a mocking tone, but.....it makes gordons shoulders drop and gets him to let go of some of that tension and thats probably fascinating to watch. literally soothing him like a stressed out dog, huh. smoothing back his hair and murmuring things in a low, even tone that freeminds enhanced hearing still isnt good enough to make out. (the guy mumbles, okay? he needs a fucking toastmasters meetup.)

it would equal parts horrify and fascinate freemind, in my onion. watching a version of himself fall that hard into the loyal pet role.....its pathetic! for all that gordon goes on about not being a slave to his instinct or whatever, he sure is doing a bad job of acting like it! its like watching himself, but worse.

and benreys having to soothe him like a startled animal b/c he doesnt even know whats wrong with himself, but theres something thick enough on the air that even benrey can smell it, and hes taking some stabs at the dark. especially with how charged some of the shit gordons saying is......"i cant fucking take it anymore", "you smell so good", "i dont know whats wrong with me, man, my dick hasnt gone down for days and im pretty sure i need a doctor-- no, a real one, not the other gor-- NOT a vet, JESUS"

and the whole time.....freeminds peeking from behind a closet door. watching them devolve from outright hostility into "gordon climbing into benreys lap and shoving one of benreys hands up his shirt and demanding that he fucking touch him already"

normally i dont think freemind would be averse to a little bit of voyeurism, here. if it was anybody else, hed probably at least engage in a little heavy petting. but this is getting weird, man. he cant shake the uncanny feeling that this is something too intimate for him to be watching. for one thing, gordons whimpering like a goddamn dog just from a little necking, and for two, hes never really been the kind of guy to watch people make out for 15 minutes before they get to the good stuff

its just kind of unsettling how much these two clearly really, really like each other at this point. its not like watching gordon prime give vr gordon a handjob as part of a "test". freemind expected more of a hatefuck kind of deal out of these two, what with how often gordons normally going on about how much he hates the guy, what a pain in the ass benrey is, how he just wishes benrey would stop jerking him around.....etc. freemind could shit himself right now. that lying bitch!

i imagine its also kind of painful, on a personal level, for him to watch this borderline-sappy shit. he cant even fathom being on the receiving end of that behavior, let alone from......well. theyve all got their barneys, right? and gordon primes basically doomed himself to incel status b/c he wont nut up and do anything about it. freemind just assumed they were all in the same boat: cursed to casual sex with their roommates/clones, forever, and unable to achieve any kind of intimacy b/c all 3 gordons are fucked up in the exact same way. since theyre all just diff flavors of the same fucking guy, right?

well, theres the evidence that hes wrong. and that vr gordons better than him, somehow. thats gotta suck, bro

anyway then he watches vr gordon get railed in the ass a bunch and jerks off anyway b/c its still hot. see ya)

“take care of your dog”. huh. hes got no clue what that means but, yknow, he does kinda miss his dog. hasnt seen gordon in awhile. and he immediately comments "wow. you look fucked up" in as blunt and unsympathetic a way as possible. but gordons so far gone that he cant even work up a good anger about it. he is pretty fucked up, man. and benrey sits on the bed and slaps his forehead with a palm to take his temperature (and that gets gordon to bitch at him, finally, that thats not how you do it, asshole) and judges that, uh, he is hot. in his expert opinion

and thats when gordon kinda grabs his sleeve and tugs it and starts tryin to say something. hes really bad at it, because he is having to perform the mortifying task of Owning Up To It, but eventually he manages to grind out that he needs benrey to touch him, please. just pet him. something. he feels really bad and he just needs benrey to scratch his fucking ears. this is the most gordon can cop to in one go, and it is such a sad struggle to watch, but benreys caught off guard by it and he feels weirdly bad for gordon upon hearing it so hes just like "whoa, okay" when gordon tugs his hand to his head

gordon groans the moment his fingernails start scratching behind the ears and digging into his scalp. even just that much feels really fucking good. its comforting, for one thing, and its benrey, for another, and the physical touch feels so fucking good right now that goosebumps are crawling down his neck. gordon cant help but lean against benrey and bury his head in the crook of his shoulder. he wants to hide his face from scrutiny and he wants to get closer but he doesnt know how to say what his fucking problem is

and benreys weirdly quiet. just kinda mumbling and shushing him intermittently, awkward and not sure what to do b/c this is a level of intimacy he was not expecting but gordons sure is responding nicely to a second hand in his hair

so having both of benreys hands scratching at his scalp is really getting to gordon. hes scritchin behind the ears and gordons tails wagging at a mile a minute. the feelings making goosebumps race down his neck and arms. he starts kind of mumbling something into benreys shoulder, how hes been feeling so fucked up lately, and he squirms a little closer. hes not really aiming for anywhere in particular but every neuron thats firing in him right now is telling him to get closer. make contact. he missed the fucking guy, what can he say.

and one of benreys hands......slips down to gordons face. his jaw. a thumb pushing into that soft little divot between his jaw and neck, like hes trying to push up into gordons fucking teeth. its weird and bizarrely intrusive, but benreys hand is broad and warm and gordon leans into it anyway, groaning with relief. its not like its not doing anything for him. kind of the opposite, actually. then he palms at gordons neck, and gordon starts breathing harder. he can feel his heartbeat rabbit-fast, pushing against benreys skin (and theres no way benrey isnt feeling that, too).

benrey eyes are lidded and his breaths starting to get heavier, too. naturally, yknow, since gordons practically draped over him right now, melting all the more the longer benrey keeps petting him. oxytocin is crazy, man, especially when a guys in the full throes of some kind of chemical meltdown of the glands. gordons eyes are screwed shut, tail thumping furiously against the bed, and hes panting at benreys neck like hes a fucking dog. he just doesnt know how to articulate what the fuck his problem is

benrey smells insanely good to him right now, and gordon just blurts that out. benrey gives him some shit for it, but when gordon only makes a weird noise in response and fists his hands in benreys hoodie, it makes him shut up real quick. hes squeezing out words about feeling like he needs something, but its clearly a fucking effort. its almost pitiful

so. gordons crawled right into benreys lap, too impatient after days and days of feeling like this (you know, being in heat, in so many words). hes been pounding off like crazy, that brand new collar of his strapped to his neck nearly every time b/c hes that desperate to feel… well. *benrey*. he cant fucking jerk off to thoughts of anything else - porn doesnt do it for him, and his fantasies slip right back to the same thing every single time. its frustrating! hes bisexual, for gods sake! its not like hes normally immune to the wiles of the Phat Ass White Girl, but lately he just keeps ending up on his hands and knees and whining benreys name into his pillow and he couldnt focus on a girls rack if he tried

point being. hes being awfully fucking demanding. (and also, hes wearing the collar *right fucking now)*. he shoves benreys hand up his shirt and shivers the moment he makes contact with gordons burning-hot flesh. and hes demanding that benrey touch him already, jesus, hes losing his mind! and benreys just crooning at him, “bossy, huh,” but hes scritching gordons ears and palming at his side and nosing at gordons neck and gordon starts to feel like hes melting into it. his protests at being talked down to are perfunctory at best

benrey licks a stripe up gordons neck and starts muttering his stupid horseshit right in gordons ear and it makes gordon clutch his shoulders so tight, claws digging into the meat of him. benreys kind of into it, though, and it just makes him laugh, low and harsh and right in gordons ear. that just makes gordons problem worse. he lets out quiet, nasal whines on every exhale, like a literal fucking dog.

he starts teasing, like, “haha, you’re *gagging* for it, bro,” but gordon doesnt respond with the defensiveness he expects. instead, its like opening a floodgate - he is, hes fucking *desperate*, okay, his dick hasnt gone down in days and he wants benrey so bad he cant see straight and he cant stop thinking about him and all of this comes tumbling out of him at once. gordons trying to press himself as close to benrey as he can physically get, legs straddling benreys lap and arms clutched tight around his back. and when benrey prods a little more, tells gordon to say what hes been thinkin about, gordon starts to pant, squeezing his eyes shut. but he cant bring himself to do anything more than choke and stutter on the words

hes half-hard in his underwear already (and, lets be be clear, he was only in boxer briefs and a tank top to begin with. hes sweating buckets and its the least amount of clothing he could get away with wearing around the house) and his tails thumping a mile a minute and hes so far gone, just from benrey talking down to him and kissing his neck and scratching his ears. but hes not budging yet, so benrey slides that hand on his ears over to his ponytail and *yanks*. tells him, “speak.” gordons dick twitches rapidly, and he lets out a sharp sound, and he finally says it: he needs benrey to *fuck* him, jesus

benrey lets out a harsh breath at that. “yeah? thats what puppy wants?” and the nickname should blister him, make him feel to embarrassed to continue, but gordons too desperate to care. he just starts spewing a litany of “god yes”s and “please”s. hes getting harder and harder, pressed up against benreys belly, and benrey can *feel* it. “good boy,” he mutters, and those claws dig harder, that panting gets louder and harsher

he slips a hand around to gordons back, rubbing slowly for a moment as if to soothe him, and then slides it under the back of gordons boxers. and lower still. starts rubbing at gordons hole. that gets a quiet “oh god” out of gordon.

gordon cant help himself - he rocks forward against benrey, just a little, rubbing his bulge against what he realizes is benreys *extremely* hard dick in his sweatpants. hes not the only one whos got it bad. but he *is* the only one whispering, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” as benrey pushes a little further, makes as if hes about to breach gordon dry. the poor guys so needy that he probably wouldnt even argue!

but benrey just stares at him, wide eyed and flushed, mouth hanging open a little. gordons so hot for this that it surprises the both of them.

anyway after some boring position finagling benrey coaxes gordon onto his hands and knees, running a broad hand down gordons shaking back. and he pulls back gordons tail, exposing him. its so fucking humiliating - gordons got his face buried in a pillow, and his ass in the air, and hes never felt so *vulnerable* before. he wants to argue, he wants to lift his head and look back to make sure that everythings, like, okay back there - benreys staring at his entire asshole, okay, and he wasnt exactly anticipating benrey making a house call to fuck him in the ass - but every time he lifts his head, or starts to say something neurotic about it, benrey chides him about it. clicks his tongue. tells him, “hey. dogs dont talk” or “i said *bow*, bro”.

for all his insisting that hes a real guy, that hes not just a dog, gordons feeling less and less like a human and more like something in thrall to his instincts. the condescension rankles like it always does, but doing what benrey tells him to feels good. feels natural. presenting himself like this feels like what hes *supposed* to do. it doesnt stop him from running his mouth entirely, but it helps to mitigate some of the embarrassment.

and then… benrey *licks*. gordon tenses and gasps. he doesnt know how benrey can stand it, its gotta be, like, unhygienic! but that didnt scare him off the last time they tried this, and its not like gordon hasnt thought about it since. hes thought about it a lot, actually. but hes been too neurotic to ask for it. benreys not stupid, though. hes a good dog owner (at least, so he thinks) and hes gonna take care of his dog. so he licks again, and again, pressing a little harder against gordons hole on each pass with the broad side of his tongue until he dares to breach it with the tip.

gordons rock hard again in an instant. his dick hangs between his legs and drips onto the sheets. he digs his fingers into the pillow now, tearing holes in its surface with those sharp nails of his, and he makes embarrassingly high noises that he muffles into into the pillow, too. hes tense, hes so fucking tense, he should be clamping down and making benreys task really fucking hard, but theres bright pink sweet voice dripping from his hole and benreys rubbing the side of his thigh in an effort to soothe him and both of these things work in tandem to get him to relax. and benrey works his tongue in further, further than a human ought to.

the tip was one thing, but it gets wider as benrey pushes it in, and its just as good as it was before - better, even, because now its just the two of them, just a master and his dog, and benreys the only one he wants to see him like this. bent over and whimpering. he cant— he cant stomach the thought of anybody else doing this to him. hell, there was a point once where the idea of stomaching *benrey* doing this to him would have made him laugh. but here he is. benreys fucking him open with his tongue and pressing against something thats making him see stars and gordon just wants *more*. he says it so sweet, too, voice growing hoarse and raw as he begs benrey to just fucking do it already, he doesnt wanna come like this!

gordon gets so worked up and emotional about it that benrey takes the time to scratch behind his ears again, shushing him and telling him to chill. benreys got him. hes been a good dog, and good dogs get treats. hearing the words “good dog” makes gordons entire body flush. thats all he wants, really. he wants to be a good dog. he wants to be *told*. he blurts out, “oh my god— say it again,” and benreys like, “huh? say what? youre gonna have to be more specific,” clicking the last syllable. it makes all the hairs on gordons head rise and prickle with shame. the best he can do is mumble it into his pillow.

benrey hears it, though, and tugs at gordons collar from behind, just enough to raise his head. “whassat? you want me to call you a good boy?” gordon cant bring himself to answer that directly, but his stupid body betrays him by making him whine. jesus christ, yes, thats all he WANTS! he needs benrey to be good and nice to him for once in his fucking life and give him what he wants instead of taking, taking, taking! but benrey just tells him that hes gonna have to earn it. gonna have to be *real* good for him. gordon could fucking snarl at that, but benreys pulling back to rub his dick between gordons cheeks and against his hole and that shuts him up pretty fast because hes *so close* to getting what he wants and hes not about to fuck it up now by running his big dumb mouth

and then… he starts to push in. that sweet voice has loosened gordon up enough to take even benrey, who, uh, is definitely the bigger of the two, in that regard. he goes slow, uncharacteristically so, and gordons chest heaves with the force of how hard hes breathing. a quiet string of “oh god”s spills out of him as he tries to crane his neck back to watch. the head breaches him with a strange popping sensation, and benrey groans, loud, as the rest of him slides in with little resistance in comparison. “good,” he pants in turn, “youre takin it so good,” and—

and gordon comes, in weak, aborted spurts. it snuck up on him. he clenches so fucking tightly that it winds benrey a little. he breathes out, “whoa. did you—” but gordon just begs him to shut up, keep going, hes not— hes not done yet, its always like this, its not *enough*. his dick barely even flags afterward, it just hangs there, achingly hard and dripping with cum. benrey cant even find it in himself to make fun of him. he wants it so fucking bad, doesnt he? and he feels so good, so fucking tight and slick around benrey that the only thought running through his head is “gotta take care of my dog gotta fuck my best friend gotta nut in him and make him howl”. so he pushes himself alllll the way in until theyre pressed together, skin to skin.

then he starts to move. slow, careful thrusts, more for benreys benefit than gordons. if hes not careful, hes gonna blow his load, right then and there, and hes trying to make it good for gordon, too, okay? unlike *some* of them, hes not gonna bust in two minutes and then spend the next half hour crying and trauma-dumping to the guy hes still got his dick inside of.

once he thinks hes got a grip, though, benrey starts fucking him in earnest, and that changes gordons vocalizations from weak little whimpers into something louder. less restrained. hes given up any pretense of being quiet so that his other selves dont hear that hes snuck his boytoy into his room. just loud, wordless moans on each thrust, initially muffled into the pillow but soon spilling into the wider room when he turns his head to catch his breath. the only words hes managing are “oh god” and “please” and “benrey, benrey, *benrey*”, and benrey just responds to him like, “yeah? thats good? fuuuck, bro, so good for me,” all short of breath and barely able to speak himself

he wants to see gordons face. he *needs* to see gordons face. needs to see what hes doing to him, needs to see that cute fuckin blush of his. so he tugs on gordons collar again, bringing him to his hands and knees properly instead of that bowing position. and then further still - pulls him back so that benreys on his knees, and gordons on his knees in turn, on his lap, cock still buried inside of him and fucking him in short, hurried thrusts. “paws up,” benrey tells him, and gordon does it. instantly. no resistance. just folds them at his chest like a real dog would.

“whos a good boy?” benrey croons, right in his ear again. gordon gasps, “i-i am!”

“yeah? youre a good boy?” nod, wail. “whose— whose good boy are you?”

and gordon chokes on his response. he cant say it, he *cant*, he doesnt want to be benreys but he does, he *does*. he doesnt want to be benreys because its not fucking fair! he cares so fucking much! so much more than benrey does, it feels like, obsessing over the guy like hes wrapped thorny vines all around gordons heart and he cant so much as shift in his seat without feeling the tug and the ache and thinking of benrey again. and benrey doesnt care, he never fucking cares, except—

except he showed up at gordons house, in his room. without even being asked. like he knew something was wrong. and he— hes always talking to gordon, shooting him stupid texts just to make him laugh. scheduling *date nights* for them. date nights where, yeah, maybe they couldnt see each other in person, and maybe they always end in some kind of depraved sexual act, but its not like gordons not into it. hes frighteningly into it, actually. and hes *so* into hearing benreys voice, low and crooning, right in his ear, and seeing him lean on an elbow and smile at him afterward. its— its practically genuine. and benreys always making excuses to talk with him, do things with him, watch stupid fucking movies that only gordon cares about and stream with him on twitch to help boost his subscriber count and—

and—

oh god. maybe he *does* care. that might be more terrifying than the alternative.

then benrey yanks the collar again. presses the whole of gordons back against his front in one hot, unbroken line. and asks, “i said, whose good boy are you, bro? *speak.*”

“benrey,” he blurts out, a ragged moan, “d-dont make me sa-AY it, oh god—”

“no?” benrey stills suddenly. his hands keep gordon stuck in place, unable to move or bounce or feel benrey shift inside of him. “thats, uh… thats too bad, friend. this trains for good boys only. good dogs go to heaven 2. no bad dogs allowed. gonna have to, uhh, escort you off—”

“im not a bad dog!”

“i dunno, gordo. bein’ kind of, uh… disobedient.”

(sorry. thats all i got . byeeee)

#this is so far from finished b/c A) im a coward now and B) typing qith my left hand sucks so i dont wanna do it right now. Sorry #writin stuff

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un-pearable · 2 years

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i moped i whined i dragged my feet i read at least six hundred thousand words of ninjago fanfiction in the span of like 4 days probably but i did it. i finished season 8. it was... ok honestly it wasnt that bad i knew i was being dramatic about it at the time but it wasnt that bad. part of that was because i already knew what i was getting into via getting spoiled by fic but im glad for it because otherwise i dont think i wouldve made it through. SO. some thoughts.

as you are already fully aware, i was not……. particularly enthused by the changes made in season eight. in fact you could even say i was particularly unenthused by the changes made in season eight. but disregarding my personal war against the authors re: lloyd & garmadon, one of the things i noticed was definitely the massive tonal shift that i honestly... think couldve been handled better. im not opposed to the idea of a tonal shift - 9/10 i am always okay with something getting more serious and genuine. but like, here... they kind of killed half the heart of the series for me. i feel like they tried to lean so hard into the ninja stuff that it kind of feels like somebody wanted a gritty reboot of ninjago without actually being gritty and without actually rebooting it, if that makes sense.

like half the scenes in the first few episodes take place exclusively at night, there's a huge ramp-up in them doing actual ninja things, and lloyd is now Mature and Serious and The Leader (<- things regarding lloyd that i am bitter about, number 385734356091573: the fact that they made half an attempt last season to kickstart a character arc for lloyd abt him growing into the position of leader and what that means for 1) him 2) his relationships and 3) his future and then they completely bypassed that entire thing via timeskip because the writers are lazy hacks and also lopped off half his personality along the way so now he feels like an entirely different character and also completely devoid of personality at the same time).

my qualms with lloyd aside. ninjago is, inherently, an incredibly goofy series. the premise is literally a bunch of lego dudes whose epic power is spinning like tops, and who are allegedly ninja despite the fact that they Really Suck At Being Ninja. i feel like for this season, somebody was like "okay guys we need to make ninjago not for BABIES anymore and also make new character designs so we can sell more lego sets so we're gonna make it MATURE and DARK and [something something]" and as a result it lost half its personality. most of it, even. they barely even did spinjitsu. do you know how disappointed i was by this? no. no you cannot even fathom how disappointed i was in the writers. and its. okay for lack of a better comparison bear with me here while i talk about one piece for two seconds

one piece is also, inherently, an incredibly goofy series. the premise is a kid eats a weird fruit and gets rubber hose powers and wants to become the king of the pirates. the stupidity is consistently present throughout the series and if you take out the dumb humor you've got a completely different series (both in regards to themes and also, again, the literal premise). but on the other hand, it also deals with some kind of brutal stuff (oppression, totalitarian governments, censorship, genocide, prejudice, slavery, more genocide, trauma, abuse, etc.) in a competent and mature way that doesn't feel cheap or fake-deep. both the stupidity and the seriousness are integral to its identity. these two things are not mutually exclusive.

though granted id like to say that the stupidity and the seriousness are all part of the very basis of the themes of one piece, but ninjago also just. doesnt really have themes. frankly. im not sure the writers have anything they want to actually say outside of "wow ! ninja cool !", but thats a complaint for a different time. but also still sort of relevant here because the reason these two seemingly opposed things work so well in one piece is because they're baked into the premise and main themes of the story, and... well. not so much with ninjago. it also probably doesnt help that ninjago was originally set to go for like two seasons max, but still.

EITHER WAY my digression on that aside, its very very possible to have both of these things co-exist in a series without one cheapening the other, but, unfortunately for me, the ninjago writers either a) cant do that or b) dont want to do that. and whoever was part of making the decision to marvel-ize ninjago: i hate them. personally. like i guess it worked out for everybody else given that the show is still going but im very annoyed about this. maybe it gets better in the later seasons but honestly im not counting on it. head in hands.

also speaking of marvel-izing ninjago i feel like this season they tried to work in some bad meta jokes and it was mostly rather embarrassing and i hope they do not do it again. its the typical "did he just-" "yes he did" / "i did not think that through" / "that didn't go as planned" / etc. schlock. i dont like that.

now, onto other things, aka namely: the harumi problem.

so harumi. her backstory is that at some point when she was younger (unclear because she has the baby lego model but it cant have been THAT long ago but she also acts and looks like a normal adult so as always the ninjago timeline eludes me, but thats irrelevant. mostly. well it depends on how you look at it but we'll get to that later) she thought the ninja were super duper epic and then when the great devourer showed up and wrecked the city her parents died because the ninja didnt stop it soon enough (or, more accurately, lord garmadon, but she doesnt blame him for some reason). anwyays so after that the royal emperor and empress decide to adopt her and she becomes the princess despite not asking for and not wanting this position or the responsibilities that come with it and being terribly traumatized and generally all around miserable. which sucks, for sure.

but for some baffling reason, she decides that the person whose fault this all is is... lloyd. like she says the ninja in general, but lloyd is the only one she ever seems to target. which is really strange, frankly, because lloyd's first appearance in public as the green ninja is either the great devourer, or like a few days before it, so why she'd single out him for this problem despite him clearly being new to the whole thing is beyond me. because its not like she blames him for opening up the tombs or something which is... well okay frankly half of this is misako's fault by virtue of being the deadbeat mom ever, but you already know my extensive opinions on misako's incredibly bad parenting.

either way, maybe she sees him later as the leader and retroactively decides to place all the blame on him as the ninja grow in fame and infamy, but the show never really tells us that - assuming that her bitterness towards the ninja grows as everybody praises them and calls them world saviors and so on and so forth is extrapolation, and usually in a more competently written series i'd be able to somewhat confidently assume that this is what the writers intended, but also this is ninjago and i have no such faith.

so harumi's whole thing is that she lost everything and blames it on lloyd, for some reason, instead of like. pythor or something. unfortunately this is kind of cheapened by two things. 1) she literally becomes princess of ninjago. like it'd be one thing if she was on the streets after that it'd be a little more understandable, and 2) she's... acting like she went through so much more than lloyd. unfortunately for harumi, she's trying to compete in the parental issues olympics with lloyd garmadon, winner of the "most parental issues in ninjago" award every year since 2011. so when she's waxing poetic about how much her life has sucked and how sad she is about her mommy and daddy or whatever, the audience is kind of just sitting there like... girl. lloyd has gone through so so so much infinite crap his life has sucked since pretty much day one he probably has enough mommy & daddy issues for the whole team, frankly.

pitting pretty much anybody against lloyd in a battle for trauma is not going to end well for your villain if youre trying to make them sympathetic. honestly. and like its not even that the concept of her backstory is bad, its just that her anger is completely misdirected and pointed in probably the worst possible direction as far as drumming up sympathy goes. because the ninjago writers remain ever incompetent. it also really doesnt help that shes like "omg people died because of you guys!!! you havent saved anybody youre just little kids pretending to play hero" despite the fact that ninjago absolutely 100000% wouldve died twenty times already if they had just sat back and done nothing. my dear friend goose had some very good thoughts so im just going to copy paste what she said here

so. harumi. couldve been done better, had some interesting concepts, but the incompetency of the ninjago writers strikes yet again. also rip lloyd, getting horrifically traumatized yet again. cant wait for lloyd getting his heart ripped out and stomped on and having his trust completely 10000% betrayed and the world getting almost destroyed by somebody who he thought was an incredibly close ally to never get brought back up again after harumi gets kicked out of the picture

also im very very very so glad harumi was evil because i had some incredibly . choice words about how bland and uninteresting she was at the beginning of the season. so thank you harumi for becoming interesting, even if your writing is kind of mediocre and mostly rather confusing 🙏

other than that im very sad that theyre brutalizing garmadon like this but at least i came prepared for what i was going to see via spoilers from fic. im also very sat that they're brutalizing lloyd like this but i was also prepared for what i was going to see via spoilers from fic. ninjago writers give them a break challenge.

some other misc. thoughts / live reactions (you can really tell that the first three were from when i started the season like last week from the amount of bitterness leaking out from the text 😭😭😭)

ah hell yes the return...

completely completely understand. breaking immersion with spoilers is sometimes. necessary. especially given how much of a shift the attitude is here... the desire to recreate the series is an understandable one but leaning so hard on the tropes that this show has had a loose relationship with at best, at the expense of the existing character dynamics.... ugh. the irony in them trying to age up the series with it's audience only backfiring and alienating the very kids who related to lloyd the most is great. the loss of spinjitzu is completely unforgivable though its integral to the ecosystem. keystone species but for a doofy fake martial arts show. we're loosing biodiversity here people. bad metaphors aside, YEAH. the seriousness works because the rest of the show is lighthearted, not in spite of it. your one piece comparison is perfect.

despite my "lloyd is a comic protag" post blowing up it completely didn't cross to mind to think about marvel there and you 100% have a point. s8 and on ninjago was DEFINITELY influenced by the boom in popularity of the mcu. considering this is when they brought on schut to help write and then he completely took over for s9 and on,, i don't know nearly enough about the guy and his work to make a judgement about that but it would be very interesting to look into

harumi..... harumi is very much the kind of theoretically interesting kids media villain where i can understand why their concept works for a lot of people and can be interesting to see, but is so overdone that i just. i can't care. i literally could not give a shit about harumi. no matter how well her arc is executed she's such a predictable brand of villain that fandom always looses their shit over and i get why but it just doesnt work for me. she also falls into the category of "villain who assumes they know everything about the hero and that they suffered more" which. can also be interesting when its about how the characters are perceived by the public, but when its treated seriously by the narrative? incredibly frustrating. i have pages and pages of talking about this back when i was reading archie for the first time so not to derail into sonic again but the appeal of scourge and sonic's dynamic to me is that while they both suffered, they responded COMPLETELY differently. the idea that scourge deserves to be heard out bc he experienced such a hard and tragic life is completely negated by the fact that sonic's life in the comics is a unending deluge of traumatic bullshit - and scourge knows this. scourge doesn't get why sonic didn't respond the way he did. that's like the ONLY way this kind of dynamic is interesting to me - the narrative validating that harumi was right actually and her life sucked more and thus her point is valid and makes sense and we don't need to look any further is. frustrating. "the villain points out the heroes aren't actually helping/good people" is the furtherest thing from an interesting plot to me, especially when its clearly such a cop out. your friend has an extremely good point, the need for the villain to be focused specifically on the ninja destroys any actual nuance her motivation had, if she was more generally focused on the systemic problems ninjago so adamantly refuses to face it would be an infinitely more interesting story. but also this is a kids show and that's far too bold for a series that just introduced a monarchy for shits and giggles.

okay aside from. all that. asdfjdk thank you for the olympics line. yeah. yeah. dear god this poor kid will continue to never get a break. the lack of capitalizing on the oni stuff... do these people not understand their fanbase. we are still drawing fanart of snake jay. we will go crazy over literally any non-human traits imaginable. curse you for reminding me of voltron in 2022 but asdkfjsdkdf. cole dad....

between the heartbeat, decoded letting the ninja download themselves into his brain, and just. everything about the most recent few zane oriented arcs. fascinated the implications for zane's physiology. do you think he could keep the others around in his head like he used to have pixal.

#text✨#ninjago #liveninjablogging #stumbles out of a textbook filled haze. sorry the semester starting hit me like a truck I have SO MUCH READING all the time and I love it #but I am Busy. so that's why I disappeared lol #was Very exciting to see your. basically essays in my inbox though this is the best way to experience this stuff imo asdkfjdk

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fairycosmos · 3 years

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The whole idea of death and not existing anymore literally terrifies me. I genuinely can't cope with thinking about my own mortality. It sends me into an anxious spiral. A lot of people say it's irrational and egocentric and we're not supposed to fear it and there's not point fearing death but like not wanting to die is kind of a crucial part of keeping yourself alive so how is that irrational? I feel like it's human to fear death, like it's ingrained in us for survival. But it's also human to accept the reality of death because we all know it happens. Idk. Covid and the state of the world got me thinking and stressing a lot about mortality lately.

yeah i totally hear u. it’s weird because i oscillate strongly between suicidal ideation and an extreme fear of death so im constantly in two minds about it. but like you said, being scared of it is the most natural thing in the world. our survival instinct is the strongest drive powering us nd death is the greatest unknown, which again we’re programmed to be afraid of. so i don’t really understand why anyone would try to minimise ur feelings towards it because they make total sense! it’s not black and white. a lot of people think death is treated very distantly in the western world, that we’re not very engaged or in tune with it as a society anymore which could contribute to the paralysing fear surrounding it, but who knows. it’s a genuinely terrifying part of being a human and i am not sure i will ever accept it either. when the blind panic regarding dying overwhelms me, i try to ground myself in two rationalities. the first being that it’s inevitable, and no amount of worrying is going to change what will be. and the second is that i am probably not even going to realise i am dead once i am gone. there will be no burst of loss or earth shattering grief. will probably just be like going to sleep one day and not waking up. which is an awful thought in and of itself, but it’s not going to be some big dramatic heartbreaking event that i am consciously aware of at least not for more than mere seconds. sometimes in my effort to reassure myself i even get sort of stupid about it lol - i start imagining myself as a 300 year old immortal being with a decaying body, and then the idea of death becomes vaguely preferable. it’s just the ebb and flow of things, and it’s terrible of course. especially when it doesn’t happen naturally. but i suppose there’s no point in grieving the future as it hasn’t even happened yet, and you still have a whole life to live. unfortunately i think we can reassure ourselves all we want but at the end of the day our own mortality is going to tower over us until the end. covid and grief definitely exacerbated it for me, too. it’s such an inexplicable thing. i hope ur able to find ways to manage the anxiety and to live fully despite it, though i know it’s easier said than done. there’s definitely a lot that can be done in terms of therapy that will help you come to terms with this in time btw, since existential dread is so common. engaging in professionally recommended self soothing techniques and even just talking about it can lessen the weight a little. since you can’t change death, all you can do is try to change how you cope with it. hope u can consider it. sending a huge hug ur way x

#anon

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littlenuggsworld · 2 years

Text

The viscous circle

—————————————-

I lashed out again.

I asked annoying questions again at the wrong time.

I pushed. The same ones I keep asking that I’m hoping I’ll get a new answer to; but I don’t.

I’ve been lashing out nearly once a week lately.

I’ve been finding it hard to keep my emotions in check. The deeper I get, the more invested I get, the more my mind wanders and daydreams start about the life I want to have that I feel like I’m being denied/rejected from.

But I knew what I was getting into. I knew what I was agreeing to. I knew this going in. (Does that make me a masochist?)

I go back & forth with how I feel. One day, yes I can do this. I can keep this going happily and live 2 lives. I. CAN. DO. THIS. Why not make the most & best out of these 2 worlds. What’s meant to be will be. When it’s time to make the change, it’ll happen.

The next day, I want more. I want him all the time. I want him more often then just texting and gym time. I want dinner dates. I want vacations. I want greeting him when he comes home from work. I want touching him whenever I want. I want cuddling on the couch. I want going to sleep next to him every night. I want real. I want surrender. I want submission. I want to obey. I want to please him. I want to be his 100%. 24:7. I want him, without limitations & restrictions. Out in the open. But i fear it will never happen.

So now what?

I’m torn. Im conflicted. I’m confused. But, Im trying. And sometimes I fail.

How does one decide what to choose? I love him and have never felt quite this way before with anyone else. Is that because of the circumstances? Or is it because of what we have? Am I seeing things clearly or am I clouded by words he tells me? Am I being manipulated or is it real? Am I just an outlet for him because he’s lonely at home and I now give him the intimate connection he’s lacking at home? Is his attraction to me because he doesn’t have to fully commit to me? Is that the appeal? Am I being used??? I worry deeply that all of these are what’s true. I worry that if it was real on his end, it wouldn’t be so hard to choose.

Will I ever get what I truly want out of this or am I getting deeper and going to end up completely & utterly devastated?

I have absolutely no desire to not have him in my life. Can I settle for what I have to keep him with me as much as he’ll give me? I can’t just let him go. That thought makes me cringe and start to panic. Can I live with it just the way it is?

And so the circle begins again.

I lashed out again out for fear of future heartbreak. (Although maybe we’re already there?)

I lashed out again because it’s easier to do that sometimes then to feel my emotions that creep up on me.

I lashed out again out of self preservation; protection of my heart I can already feel is hanging on by a thread. (Partially from my own doing)

And now all I want to do is cry.

I want to cry because I worry.

I want to cry because I feel like I’m being overly dramatic and that’s not usually who I am.

I want to cry because I upset him; again.

I want to cry because I keep pushing in a negative unproductive way and it’s only going to push him further the opposite way. Im aware of that yet sometimes I can’t help it. (Im trying to learn how to communicate with him before I lash out.)

I want to cry because I have so many emotions I shove down because being vulnerable has never been my strong suit. I’ve always been strong and showing vulnerability is weakness. I couldn’t be further from the truth, I know. And the one and only thing I’m scared to do in front of him is cry.

I worry he’ll view me differently once I let myself be more and more vulnerable and I express too much.

I worry he’ll see how deeply I feel certain things and why I sometimes have such a hard time letting thoughts or feelings go. I feel like they get tattoo’d into me.

I worry most of all he’ll think I’m “too much” and give up on me. That I’m not worth it and what he’s settled for now is easier than dealing with me.

Apparently I think lashing out is better?!? Again, wrong.

But also, what about what I deserve? Again begins the circle of thoughts.

I want to just let it be what it is instead of what I want it to be. I can only control myself and what I do and how I choose to react.

#anxious #emotions #deep emotions #what now

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artificialashley · 2 years

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SAME ANON AS B4 JUST WANTED 2 SAY I ABSOLUTELY ADORE U AND UR WRITING STYLE <333 U R THE COOLEST PERSON EVR AND UR FICS MAKE ME SO HAPPY SO THANK U 4 WRITING THEM DOLL ❤❤

omg ive been absolutely showered in love today i feel so blessed wtf <33

ty so much anon, you honestly dont know how much i needed to hear something like this right now lmao. im so glad you like the fics but i will put forth that i am not a very cool individual haha

p.s. here's a little snippet of my daya x jasmine netball au...

“Sorry I’m late.” Jasmine plonked herself on the seat next to Daya, letting her bag thud dramatically on top of all the sheets and posters Daya had spent the past thirty minutes rearranging. “Jorgie said she’d give me a lift but she couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed after last night.”

“Jorgie told me she had plans!” Daya grabbed the bag and placed it on the floor between them, rolling her eyes at her teammates' audible gasp.

Jorgie wasn’t the only person who told her she was busy, Daya asking every single other member of the team if they were free to run the stand with her before turning to Jasmine. Heck, she’d even tried to convince her housemates to join her despite the fact they were the least sporty people she’d ever met in her life nevermind at Uni (just a week earlier she’d caught Crystal ordering an Uber to their college bar, a building you could literally see from their back bathroom window).

Willow was nearly on board until Daya let it slip that she hadn’t exactly exhausted all of her options.

“You wouldn’t want her here anyway, she looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. Besides, I’m clearly the best person for the job. If I’m being really honest I don’t know why you’re here.”

“Because I’m the Captain?”

“Yeah but you’re also terrifying. We’re supposed to be convincing people to join our team, not scaring them away. We need people who are personable, like me.”

“I’m not terrifying.” Daya protested, fully aware that she was turning into the lady who doth protest too much (a role in which, if she really thought about it, she found herself playing every single time she got stuck in conversation with one Jasmine Kennedie). “No offence, but I think I’m like way more personable than you.”

“Well, let’s see who can get more people to sign up than, shall we?”

It was just Daya’s luck that Jasmine stormed miles ahead in their race, managing to secure an entire two thirds of the names on their list despite the fact she’d took a fifteen minute break to go call Angie on the phone and, in her words not Daya’s, spill all of her gossip from the night before.

#ty so much #honestly #my mood has been AWFUL this past fortnight and this makes me feel ten times better already #wip wednesday #on monday #and not really a wip wednesday more of an ask response #daya x jasmine #netball girlies who play for the same team

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ssamie · 3 years

Text

five. similar routines

oikawa tooru x fem langa!reader

(hq x sk8 the infinity)

warnings: spelling mistakes, swearing, 2k+ words, u have langa’s blue hair sorry

gen masterlist. “snow” masterlist.

"you know, oikawa-san.." she started off with a sheepish hum "yes?" oikawa hummed with a smile

"i thought you were only picking me up so we can walk together." she said

"exactly. that's why im here" oikawa said with a chuckle

"so.. why are you in my room so early in the morning?" she deadpanned as she looked at him, as he sat on the foot of her bed "you're here way too early, oikawa-san" she said with a yawn

"well, i thought i'd get to know your mom too since she's also new to the neighbourhood ya know? shes very nice, by the way." oikawa chuckled out

"my.. mom..?" she sent him a weirded out look

"hey! not like that!" oikawa shrieked out "if anything, you'd be the only girl i'd have eyes for, FYI" he said with a wink. "oh.." y/n said with a laugh. "well, it's whatever oikawa-san." she said as she stood up from her bed.

"did you eat breakfast yet? i feel like you have since you're already dressed up and all.."

"but if you haven't, you can eat with me." she offered as she looked at him expectantly by the door

"i ate already, but we can have coffee together" oikawa suggested with a smile as he followed her out "oh. but you'd have to make it since i suck at making coffee." she said "oh come on, you can't be that bad" oikawa mused as he ruffled her already messy blue locks

"i'll drink whatever you make, don't worry" he said

"okay but i warned you." she replied with a sigh

oikawa sent one last fleeting glance to her room before he closed the door. he took note of the snowboards displayed by her wall and her skateboard so delicately situated by her desk. as well as the slightly messy collage of pictures stuck to her wall, most of them being pictures of a redhead.

"oikawa-san?" she called out, looking back to see him lagging behind.

"oh sorry, i'll be right there, y/n-chan!"

"this is coffee is probably more bitter than a rotten ballsack." oikawa muttered to himself as he reluctantly gulped down the beverage.

"did you say something, oikawa-san?" y/n hummed with a smile

"i said this coffee is probably better than any drink there is!" he exclaimed

"really??" y/n asked with sparkling eyes "then i'll make you coffee every morning starting now!" she said with an excited smile

oikawa paled as he watched her relish in the compliment with a smile, it's almost as if she was oozing with sparkles."ah.. y-you don't have to.." oikawa stammered out with a quivering smile

"oh.." her smile fell

oikawa mentally gasped and hastily shook his head "no, i take that back!" he exclaimed "you can make me coffee! in fact, you can make me a gallon everyday if you want!" oikawa rambled with in a frantic tone

"okay, oikawa-san" she smiled "that would mean we'd meet every morning too, haha" she chuckled

oikawa froze at the statement and nodded with an accomplished smile. "yup. sounds good!" he said. he then turned away and dramatically cried a single tear. "so worth it.." he muttered as he sipped on the devil spawn of a drink.

"anyways, should we go?" she asked him. "i can leave my board if you want me to walk with you." she said "no it's fine, i'll just keep up" he said

oikawa hummed to himself as he envisioned the two of them making their way to school. y/n was skating while he holds her hand, the both of them laughing and smiling like two protagonists of a shoujo manga.

"let's go, oikawa-san" she called out to him as she puts on her converse instead of her school shoes and grabbed her board.

"right." oikawa hummed as he happily followed behind, watching her get on the board and placing her phone in her pocket. "you'd keep up with me right?" she asks him "i won't go too fast if you want.."

"no, no. go do your thing, i don't mind~" oikawa cooed with a smile

"okay then." she sent him a smile before fully skating away and leaving a trail of dust behind.

"eh?" oikawa blinked in confusion as he watched her skate in a baffling speed and jumping effortlessly over bumps and obstacles. it was so different from what he's seen the first time he saw her skating to school. he was almost certain she was just one of those mediocre skater girls that everyone likes solely because they're pretty.

"oikawa-san, why aren't you following?!" she yelled from atleast a block away

"huh? well i didn't think you'd leave me behind like that!" oikawa whined as he ran towards her with a huff "you said to do my thing!" she yelled back

"right, right, my bad!" he laughed it off as he patted her back "i'll slow down if you want" she offered with a laugh

"yeah, i'd love that.."

from his front porch, iwaizumi watched them with an unamused look on his face. "flirting already?" he groaned "its seven in the morning, when will i ever get a break from this?"

"wow, didn't think you two would get so close so quickly" hanamaki teased as he pointed to y/n who was fixing the nets

"um can someone help me put this up-"

"oh that? it was pretty easy" oikawa shrugged it off with a smug grin "she just couldn't resist me and my charms, ya know?"

"i'll do it for you, don't worry!" oikawa cut her off as he skipped towards her and proceeded to put the nets up himself

hanamaki sweat dropped as he watched the brunette continue to chat her up while she simply nods along "more like you couldn't resist her.." he sneered. matsukawa joined in as they three in teasing comments to the captain, all while oikawa tries to shut them up.

"hey, let's eat out after practice, y/n-san" yahaba suggested with a flirty smile

"oh, sure.." y/n replied, tilting her head in confusion as his face contorts into one that resembles the handsome squidward. "cool. i'll come." oikawa interjected as he stared yahaba down.

"oh uh- i meant me.. and her.." yahaba sweat dropped

"yknow what, why don't we bring the whole team!" oikawa let out an obnoxiously fake laugh as he announced the plans to the whole gym. "geez. he's down bad" matsukawa said to hanamaki as the latter nodded along

"jesus christ, that dumbass.." iwaizumi sighs as he watched oikawa subtly give yahaba more tasks than the others

"are you free later iwaizumi-san?" y/n asks him as she hesitantly tugged on his sleeve. iwaizumi raised a brow and nodded. "yeah, why? did you need something?" he asked

"i know i said i'll stop trying but i still wanna know how to play volleyball" she said "can you teach me? coach said you're the ace"

"oh sure" iwaizumi gave her a thumbs up "but didn't shittykawa teach you already?"

"it didn't really work" she frowned "maybe you'd be a better teacher". iwaizumi sweat dropped as he heard a dramatic gasp followed by a thud from afar. he didn't even need to turn around to know that it was oikawa.

"sure, i'll teach you the basics" iwaizumi sent her a grin. "thank you!" she exclaimed happily before walking off and doing her work

"iwa-chan, you traitor!" oikawa exclaimed as he tried to tackle him down, only to be blocked by iwaizumi's arm. "shut up. its not my fault you can't even teach her how to hit a damn ball" iwaizumi rolled his eyes

"i can, okay! it's just her..." oikawa chuckled sheepishly "she doesn't know how to hit it properly"

"huh." iwaizumi hummed "maybe she's right, maybe you're just a shitty teacher."

"you'll see for yourself!"

"i can finally play volleyball!" she announced excitedly as she munched down on her food "really? how'd you learn that?" kindaichi mused with a soft laugh

"iwaizumi-san taught me! he's really good" she said with sparkling eyes

oikawa spluttered as he felt an imaginary arrow pierce his chest. "ah.. that's.. that's great y/n.. good job" he squeaked out with a quivering smile. "maybe you're right.. maybe i was just a shitty teacher" oikawa shamefully admitted to iwaizumi

beside her, oikawa silently sulked as he gloomily nibbled on his burger. "oikawa-san, i can finally serve too" she told him with a smile

"glad you're aware" iwaizumi snickered. "anyways, i'm gonna go ahead" iwaizumi said as he stood up and stretched. "i have a shit ton of work to do so i'll leave ya guys to it"

"iwaizumi-san, won't you walk with us?" y/n asked him "we're neighbours too right?"

"ah actually, sure-" iwaizumi cut himself off as he caught a glimpse of oikawa looming over her shoulder

the brunette was giving him an exaggerated frown, paired with his 'puppy dog eyes' and even some tears for the effect. its not that iwaizumi was swayed by the expression. frankly, he just didn't want to look at it any longer so he denied.

"actually.. you guys can walk together. i think my mom needs me now. stay safe though" he said. y/n nodded and waved him off while oikawa send him a grateful smile and a wave. iwaizumi simply flipped him off and waved the rest goodbye.

"so, anything else you want, y/n-chan?" oikawa cooed as he watched her chomp down her meal

"milkshake.." y/n muttered with a delighted look on her face. "milkshake it is!" oikawa exclaimed. he then turned to yahaba who was grumbling by the corner and grinned.

"cmon then, yahaba-kun~ she said she wanted a milkshake! chop chop!" oikawa chuckled. yahaba rolled his eyes but pulled out his wallet anyways. "why am i getting treated like this?" he silently sulked

"well you were the one who invited us after all" oikawa mused. "i invited y/n, not all of you!" yahaba whined

by the side, hanamaki and matsukawa simply watched, sneering and laughing to themselves while they ate. "this is gonna be a long night" hanamaki let out a sigh "who cares? yahaba's treating us" matsukawa shrugged

"i never said that!" yahaba shrieked out

"how do you feel?" oikawa asked her. "full.." she replied with a satisfied sigh "thanks for inviting me, everyone" she said

"no problem, y/n-senpai!" kindaichi replied as he and kunimi waved her goodbye "bye guys!" the rest of them said as the team dispersed to their own routes.

"guess its just us now" oikawa mused as he stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets. "right." y/n nodded as she slowly skated beside him

"sure, oikawa-san. i'd like that" she smiled

"let's walk together tomorrow too" oikawa suggested. "i'll invite iwa if you want"

"this'll be like our routine from now on" oikawa cheered "us three will be best friends in no time" he sent her a wink

"best friends.." she muttered "i already-"

"-have a best friend, i know" oikawa finished her sentence with a laugh "it's fine to have more than one best friend, ya know?" he mused

"more than one.." she hummed thoughtfully "someone other than reki..?" she muttered to herself

she looked down at her feet and her board, then back at oikawa and the slightly starry sky. it was quite similar to the daily routine she has with reki. skating together to school, eating out, and skating back home. it provided her a strange sense of deja vu.

"that sounds nice." she said with a smile

oikawa smiled back and put his hands behind his head as he walked. "yeah it does." he agreed

"i look forward to being best friends with you guys" she said

sorry for the spelling / grammar mistakes if there are any :<

"me too, y/n."

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redrabbitspod · 4 years

Note

This is in no way meant to be rude or disrespectful and I am fully aware that you can do whatever you please but I feel like Neil is getting so out of character. He clearly started to develop more of an own personality but he definitely has been through so much and he is just so..cheery and happy and clingy all the time(which if you’re like that is in no way wrong or bad) and now he reminds me so much of Nicky in AFTG. It’s really hard for me to still see Neil.

OOC: This is very long, and while we think everything leading up to it is super important to our thought process (and yes this is something we’ve thought about) the bit in bold is the heart of the point we try to make. (Please read the whole thing though!)

Hey, I’m actually really happy that you sent this in because I’ve been wanting to talk about it. I know that there’s a post going around that we both wholeheartedly agree with about Neil reaching far past ooc and becoming very ‘fem’. Jeni and I had a really long talk about this because we were worried that our Neil would be perceived or mistaken to fit in that trope. And while I think your concern is EXTREMELY valid (note: people can write the characters however they want. It’s fanfiction, they can do as they please, like you said, we just did not want to go that direction), I have a few points as to why I disagree.

On surface I definitely get that. Idk if you’ve read the entirety of RRP, but I know for those of you that just read the asks (Im sure there are a lot), it DEFINITELY seems that way. But we went into RRP right off the bat letting people know that these characters will fundamentally be different. In Andrew’s case, we know he’s extremely soft now and we bring that up a LOT in the fic. Both himself acknowledging it and all the other characters around him. But we went in knowing he was going to be very different from canon - mainly because we took out the plotline that he was ever put on meds. In Wish You Were Here, the story we are writing post-season 2, we will be mentioning that and how we twisted it. Because in canon, that shaped his entire character. The medication changed the physiology of his brain and we hated the fact that something so abhorrent was forced upon him by the courts that we didn’t do it. And as a result, Andrew’s character is completely different because he’s able to tap into emotions that were blocked in canon. He’s able to grow in ways that he was not able to before and besides the fact that this is set a good while after college and especially his sophomore year that we saw in canon, he was going to change. We definitely know that them admitting that they love each other, making strides in their relationship both physical and mental, opening up, expressing, for his character may seem extremely ooc for some, but we had to take into account what would’ve happened if we took the thing that shaped his character in canon away. I hope we’ve done him justice.

Now onto Neil. Neil we work over a LOT. And when Jeni brought this up to me because of the post, there were glaring things in my mind that automatically said no. This doesnt apply to our Neil even though to some it may seem that way. Here’s what we’ve done at least very consciously to make sure that our Neil holds integrity to his canon character, that he holds merit and a backbone to back up how he’s grown throughout our series.

From day one, we knew that they knew each other. We knew that an event from the past not only shaped how Andrew approaches life, but how Neil does as well. Childish sentiment and nostalgia kept Neil in Arizona for so long, which we imply throughout season 1 and start the ball rolling in the first chapter. For the both of them, they held onto the boy they met at the Grand Canyon through everything they’d been through. When shit got tough, it was each other they thought of. And on some wild whim, Neil hoped one day Andrew would walk through the Book Nook’s doors and he’d see him again. Not because Neil had a crush, because he didn’t. But because Andrew was the embodiment of strength for him.

New York was really important to us. Neil standing his ground and letting Andrew know exactly what he’d done to him, was what the entirety of Season 1 and EVEN season 2 culminated and came back to. Neil being able to say no, fuck you asshole, and always express exactly how he was feeling, was so vitally important to us. ESPECIALLY when it came to Andrew. Those few weeks of New York we wanted to build a bridge if you will. Andrew’s intentions were always genuine and well-meaning and Neil knew that, but survival instincts and what’s been ingrained in him stuck. They started to have a little give when he came to realize that he felt something for the man before him. But he never lost that fight for himself. That HE has to ALSO be okay. And I think we see a lot in that trope of Neil that he loses the fight, the backbone, the integrity that makes his canon character so compelling (even if he is a martyr).

One thing we worried people would misinterpret was how fast we pushed their characters together. We definitely get that. In our world we didnt really have the luxury of really stretching it out like some may have, just because we were working with real-time. And honestly? As we wrote, the drive to push them together because they were so connected and intertwined just fell genuinely and organically. For us, it only made sense and not because of canon, but because of the story we’d written already. It made sense to us for Andrew to be the one to hold himself back and Neil be the one reaching out - Neil be the one exploring and beginning to recognize what want and really, agency over himself AND his wants, was. Neil was the one to ask for their first kiss here, Neil was the one to initiate them all afterwards, Neil was the one that asked Andrew to touch him, Neil was the one that asked what they were in Arizona, Neil was the one to bring up sex. And in return, Andrew was peeling away layers of himself, feeling accepted, and wanted, and understood in ways he’d never been before. And honestly? Feeling honored that they were both experiencing emotions in ways that they both never felt before. We see their relationship has an equal give and take, a push and pull. And I’m saying all of this because it’s honestly and truly really important for why we’ve made Neil’s character the way that he is.

Going into season 2, we knew that happiness could not last long. They both had things to sort out, they both had hurdles to hop over, bridges to cross, whole fucking oceans to swim. Before season 2 started, before we had anything written or really even solidly planned, we knew they had to break up. Jeni even had the scene written back in either july or august. We knew that in order to continue trying to give integrity to their characters and relationship, how far they’d grown but also that growth is not a linear path, we needed to break them up. And in the lead up to that, we made sure that Neil was not only looking out for Andrew or trying to, but that he was looking out for HIMSELF. Unlike in canon, he didnt automatically have the foxes - not in his head at least. Of course he knew he had a home there, he knew that he had friends, but they weren’t like canon because he didnt grow WITH them like he did in canon. In his mind, he really only had Andrew and if there was no Andrew, why stay? And when their fight happened we made sure that Neil had value enough in himself, care for himself, love for himself AND for Andrew that they couldn’t let this go on any longer. Neil left because he knew he deserved better. He knew Andrew needed help and he couldn’t provide it. And he held onto that. In fact, Andrew even held onto it himself:

“Is there no hope, then?” Andrew asked, unable to help himself.

Neil sighed and Andrew was grateful that he at least didn’t pretend that he didn’t know what Andrew meant.

“I don’t know, Dr- Andrew.” Was it possible for his chest to hurt even more? He wanted to curl in on himself, but settled instead for clenching the sharp corners of the pack of cigarettes in his pocket into the palm of his hand. He watched as Neil bit the inside of his lip and that little indent appeared. Maybe he feels it, too . “Part of me wants to say fuck it all and let’s just go home. I hate this... But I hate what you’ve been putting me through these last couple of weeks even more. I can’t do that again,” he stopped talking once more and inhaled a shuddering breath. “You broke my heart, Andrew. I know I sound dramatic and stupid, but I don’t know how else to say it and - I don’t know how to do this, for fucks sake.” He finally turned to him, but the eye contact was brief and before it was even there, it was gone. “I came into this knowing nothing about relationships and I know even less about breakups. I don’t know how to navigate this.”

“You think I do?” Andrew asked. He didn’t mean for it to sound so bitter, but there it was.

“I don’t know with you,” Neil shrugged. “I feel like you keep everything so close to your chest, that there are whole sections of you I’m missing. And listen, I don’t blame you. You should be able to choose what you want to share. But I can’t help that it makes things hard when you’re falling apart and I don’t know why...”

Andrew let go of the box and put both of his hands in his lap. Grinding his teeth together, he heard the beginning hum of Bee’s buzz , but took a deep breath to try and keep her at bay. Clearing his throat, he looked back to the stadium and that stupid orange fox paw, before he murmured, “What if I offer you a piece?” - suddenly and quickly said, it was as if his mouth was trying to outrun his mind, despite the second he took to contain it. He’d known this would eventually come - that he would have to do this. And besides, Neil deserved an explanation, even if they never got back together.

“Andrew-”

“I’m not offering with hopes that we’ll get back together right now, Neil. I’m working through shit the best I can. Therapy is helping, but I know it’s a process. I just know you deserve an explanation. And I haven’t wanted to tell you because it’s fucking horrific, but I was also afraid that it would send me even further down the spiral if I talked about it. Now that I have a space to vent through, I don’t think I’m so afraid of the fall.”

This part was so important to us for both Andrew and Neil’s character. And in the entire build up to the break up and directly after, Neil held onto the fact that they needed to talk. He kept bringing it up. Because he knew that if they didn’t it would escalate just like it did before.

“I wouldn’t risk being with you again if I didn’t think things would be different. I’m not better and to be honest? I probably wont ever be better. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with my shit by myself because that’s just how it was. I’ve avoided relationships because I never trusted anyone with my baggage and I didn’t think it’d be fair to pile it on someone anyway. So when it comes to talking about shit - I’m not used to that. Bee was the only person I’d ever told everything to, and she doesn’t even know all of it.”

“I know that,” Neil said, leaning forward as if to show Andrew how much he actually understood. If that was the case, Andrew believed him. “I know you, Andrew. I would never force you to talk about something you don’t want to. That’s not what I’m trying to do. But , I need you to work with me, and if not me, someone else. Don’t take it out on me when you’re going through shit that neither of us can control. It’s not fair and it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and I can’t fix it.”

Now. Now we’re up to your points. I promise all of this was important for me to explain, because I know there’s literally SO MUCH that we’ve written, that shit happening now can get in the way of everything that’s happened before to lead up to this.

We fully recognize that Neil is definitely happy. But he’s not happy-go-lucky and we tried really hard to make sure he didn’t lose his integrity - his backbone - the things that made Neil, Neil.

Something I realized throughout this series was that I was getting worried that the focus of season 2 was so heavily on Andrew. I was seriously worried about that. But then I realized that Season 1 was focused solely on Neil. Season 1, Neil was a fucking wreck. It was Matt AND Andrew comforting him, Matt and Andrew bringing him down, Matt and Andrew trying to protect him, take care of him, find him, search for him, all of that. But even through Neil’s horrific anxiety and all the bad shit that happened, it was still Neil that pushed himself up from the ground, pulled Lola back, and gave Andrew the in. It was Neil that fought with the doctors and nurses to see Andrew and make sure he was okay. Even still afterward though, it was Neil discovering and Neil understanding and a lot of Neil, Neil, Neil.

Season 2 is heavily focused on Andrew. We’ve already seen Neil’s story and his growth. Its Andrew’s turn to try and again, build his bridge to getting better. But with that, it was Neil that made the strides to speak and handle Ichirou, it was Neil that figured out things with his uncle, it was Neil that ultimately had the gun, brought Andrew for practice - took it out and demanded Andrew get behind him this time. It was Neil that looked Andrew in the eyes as the cops patted them down and desperately tried to tether them together. It was Neil that kept reassuring Andrew they were going home. It was Neil that snapped the moment the cop tried to put his hands on Andrew to show them where their things were when they left the prescient, and ANDREW that allowed himself to be pulled into Neil’s arms in that moment, because he knew that he was the one thing that was SAFE. It was Neil that held Andrew that night and Andrew that LET himself be held as he broke down.

That was one chapter ago. And we really tried to illustrate at the end that they have a life ahead of them now. They have a future - a future that is spread out and it’s bright and full of possibilities. They have a future where they can do what they want. They have a FAMILY. They have nieces, Aaron, Kate, Bee, the entire TFN team. Neil had nothing and now he has something. He has hope.

Promise Im coming down to the end omfg. This is why our Authors and End Notes are so fucking long i swear to fucking god.

This BTP chapter, we wanted to explore that fucking unbridled happiness. That elation of fuck - we have the world out in front of us. We don’t have any killers on our backs, Hailey is safe, Robin is safe, Jean is out, the Moriyama’s are taken care of, Stuart isn’t begging Neil to join the Hatford Branch, Aaron and Kate might be moving back to South Carolina, they’re married and all of that isn’t terrifying. It’s COMFORTING. So yes, this BTP chapter was bright and cheery. Neil was most certainly happy and showing it. Jumping on the bed, kisses all around, getting excited over ZOO BABIES and a ZOO CHOO train. But just because we show this side of him where he gets to go on a road trip and experience real and true fucking freedom for the first time, doesn’t mean that we’re all of a sudden shedding everything that we’ve built for his character. I don’t think that’s what you meant, but I mean it when I say we take the characters, the integrity of the characters, very, very seriously. Also in this chapter, Neil takes a homophobic asshole to task and not in the way that a lot of people do, but by quietly hinting at the threat because Neil doesn’t need bells and whistles. In fact, he even talked about how being happy was something his mother frowned upon:

Because the way he looked at Neil when a butterfly landed on his finger or when he snuggled up to a goat in the petting zoo let Neil know that Andrew was happy. And he was happy. That was something Neil never really had in his life. His mother didn’t care if he was happy, only that he was alive . In fact, the less happy he was, the fucking better. By her logic, he was less likely to go rogue if he didn't feel like there was something to be happy about outside of her.

Neil’s finally had a moment to enjoy and let go and we know exactly how that can come off, but we have an entire future planned for them and the book they’re about to explore. Spoiler Alert: It won’t be all “butterflies and rainbows”. But all of this does not mean that all of a sudden we’re giving in to tropes and changing his character entirely because of one chapter. RRP and it’s characters mean too much to us.

So I definitely get where you’re coming from and I’m so fucking sorry this is so long omfg. And I respect your view because we definitely worried that people would see them like that. But we have a reason for almost everything we do in this fic and really, we just wanted to see the boys happy here. We don’t believe he’s like Nicky and we don’t believe he’s clingy, but everyone interprets these characters differently, and you’re certainly entitled to that opinion. We hope this just makes our thought process on Neil’s development a little clearer. - The Creators

#Anonymous #red rabbits pod #ooc #rr answers 2

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