#(either that or it needs a SHIT-ton of specific trigger warnings & I did not wanna drop that on ppl in the middle of a wednesday afternoon)

[musical-chick-13]

WIP Wednesday :)

It is here that he expects her to back down, to blow up at him the way he deserves, to walk out and never come back, like she should have done at the very beginning of it all, before he had a chance to ruin her life. Somehow, miraculously, she does not do any of those things; her eyes well up with unshed tears, and she smiles. “What…” He scrunches his eyebrows to make up for the lack of a decent end to the question. She swallows thickly, letting a single tear slip down her face. “No one…no one’s ever bothered to consider that before.” Both of his hearts crumple like paper. “Oh, River.”

[michael-aftons-nonbinary-lover]

FNaF Rant #3

-(⚠️TW⚠️@b4$3)-

Sorry not sorry, I fucking hate it when people who haven't been abused, specifically physically, make William a horribly abusive asshole to his kids. The Afton kids show signs of mental/emotional abuse, yes. That's canon, and I won't argue with that. But none of them show any signs of physical abuse throughout the whole fucking series. And don't bring up the goddamn books, I'm so sick of people pulling those books out of their asses for that ONE SPECIFIC THING, only to bury the books for every other piece of lore they've given us. Because the other pieces of lore "aren't convincing", or whatever. Literally stfu, pls. So many of these posts don't have warnings for abuse either, or the warnings come after the abuse/mentions of abuse have already been shown. So many people could be highly triggered by that and other people don't care because their dumbass headcanons come before survivors' experiences.

And I already know someone is gonna try to bring up the books or something so,

1. where in hell were Michael and Crying Child? Did William just not have sons? Is Elizabeth his only bio kid? Even though Michael is a near carbon copy of him? Did he just pick them up off the streets or something?

2. The books have fucking canon mpreg, please do not use these as an argument as to why your headcanons come above someone's personal trauma, you will look like the dumbest person in the room, I promise you

3. The books show us what was(most likely) in the FNaF 4 box, robots can bleed, remnant has the consistency of molten metal, and how illusion disks work, and the only thing you wanna talk about is the book's version of William hitting his kid? Really? There's so much more interesting stuff there, and you continue to bring up something that can be extremely triggering for so many people?

This is also not aimed at people who have been physically abused. Idc how survivors of physical abuse choose to headcanon William, because I know that if a specific character reminds you of your abuser, that will probably never leave your brain. Also, sometimes people just need to vent, and a specific character is good for that. This is aimed at people who haven't been physically abused and continue to decide that they need William to be even worse than he already is in canon.

Another thing I wanna point out. If Michael were even close to half of the "edgy teenager who doesn't give a fuck about anything and hates his dad" as so many people make him out to be, he would have left Hurricane the moment he turned 18, or shortly thereafter, and never gone back. Ever. For anything. Dead children be damned, nothing would have dragged him back there. He had nothing left. No siblings, no mom, probably no friends after the bite. Nothing could have convinced him to go back to Hurricane and do what he did throughout the series. Henry would have had to act by himself. Someone else would have gotten scooped. Michael would have turned to therapy, dr4g$, or religion. Michael's story would have been cut down to FNaF 4, and maybe some cutscenes of his life once he hit adulthood. He also would have had a shit ton of panic attacks, flashbacks, self-doubt, self-blame, and told himself at least once that nothing bad happened/what happened was normal and wasn't bad, and we see none of that throughout the entire series.

Seriously, why do so many people hear the word 'abuse' once in a series and run it into the ground? You guys are honestly draining at this point, and it's getting old. Half of the descriptions of abuse aren't even fucking accurate, and that's how you know that they're putting headcanons above trauma. Just stfu, please.

(another note before I leave, this one is purely a rant/vent thingy, so I really don't wanna fight anyone about this. Plus, William is a fictional character, this shit isn't worth fighting over with people online anyways)

[imuybemovoko]

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything. 

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.) 

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later. 

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open. 

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.” 

There was no answer. 

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute. 

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was... 

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes. 

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited. 

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points. 

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places. 

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed. 

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

[fangsmyth]

100 character development questions || no longer accepting

to save time and space imma be real and just... shove these all in one post under a read more because i got a LOT of these ( tysm!! i love talking about this piece of shit literally ask me anything any time any day of the week i’d be happy to answer )

sooo here we go!

nsfw and unsanitary mentions under the cut

@haemoneiron sent:

002. Do they do anything to celebrate their birthday?

ehhh he’ll call it a celebration, but lanque really doesn’t do much of anything different from what he normally does. he probably won’t even vocalize the fact that it’s his wriggling day, just look around to see if anyone’s already throwing a party that he can crash. if not, on alternia he probably just drank heavily in his room and played edm way too loudly.

here, he’ll probably just go to some bar and fuck somebody. so... what he does pretty much every day

016. What is their choice of weapon?

teeth! teeth! teeth! teeth! teeth! no fr if he had to pick an actual physical weapon it’d probably be a knife or a dagger, definitely something sharp and intimate...... like teeth. i say a lot that lanque isn’t a fighter but he can and will kill if he needs to

044. What disgusts them?

mainly just bad kinks! bad kinks being scat, vomit, piss, and inc*st/p*dophilia i know that’s everyone but what he considers genuinely revolting is just that specific. also people that don’t really bathe/clean themselves

---

@anglerfishnabe sent:

031. Are they superstitious about anything?

ehhh, nah i feel like lanque will see a string of bad luck as a sign that he should just go home for the rest of the day, but i don’t think it would reach much further than that. he’s definitely into people that are superstitious, and taking advantage of ‘signs from the universe’ and shlocky stuff like that, but i don’t think he really personally believes in all of that stuff. lanque is a lot of things, but spiritual is not one of them

034. What’s their view of lying?

he doesn’t see the problem in little white lies that won’t hurt anyone, especially if it gets him what he wants. ( see him HONESTLY trying to tell mspa reader he’s a virgin )

but if people lie about things that will have reaching consequences that will hurt other people, that’s just... really shitty. he does this very rarely if he’s especially desperate to get some sort of reaction out of someone, but generally speaking when he wants to hurt people and make them feel bad about themselves he points out truths based on what he gauges from observation.

---

@feraldeus sent:

013. Have they ever been bullied or teased?

yes! very much so! a lot! to the bitter end, actually! his entire cloister does have valid complaints like how he probably comes back drunk a lot of the time and has a tendency to stir the pot just to see what happens, but lynera honest to god just... hates him so much because of all the attention he garners from bronya she tended to shit talk him behind his back.

i’d imagine part of his reason behind finding it so important to be honest with how he tears someone in half is because of how much it secretly hurt him that lynera spread the occasional lie attempting to leave bronya thinking he’s beyond saving.

not only that, but i’d imagine when he was younger he probably got picked on a lot for crying and being so emotionally vulnerable and open which is why he’s so guarded now!

---

@haruakifusaishi sent:

012. What makes your character embarrassed?

openly and honestly expressing his feelings as shown in the above. generally any positive, warm feelings towards anyone are humiliating as all hell and not in the kinky way. he hates being caught being sappy or expressing romance in the sweet way he does behind closed doors.

with that, honestly if anyone that knows him for his sex drive and general hedonistic tendencies found out about his poetry readings or pretty much any of his written poetry he’d just die! that’d be the end for him!

068. How strong is your character’s sense of responsibility? What kinds of things trigger it?

lanque never feels responsibility for himself or the need to own up to his own actions at all, honestly. his entire kink is being sexy and irresponsible. he primarily feels a sense of responsibility for others’ actions significantly more than his own.

like if he witnesses someone being dishonest or just doing something generally shitty, he feels like it’s his responsibility to call them out since no one else has the balls to do it. if it looks like someone’s going to put themselves in danger, he’ll warn them. if he cares enough about them, he might go out of his way to physically drag them out of it.

it’s all in the moment things, his responsibility is never thought about or premeditated in any way!

073. In a novel, what plot role would your character fill? (hero, anti-hero, sidekick, villain, etc.)

ehhhh i wanna say anti-hero, but at the same time that could be me being inherently biased. i feel like it’d be significantly more interesting if he were a foil for any protagonist, i just seriously doubt he’d ever be the main character in anything as much as he would have the bravado of someone that wants to be?

---

@enradiant sent:

026. What do they consider ugly in others personality-wise?

lying fake bitches!!!! people that try to suck up to people just to get a leg up on others!!!!!! hypocrites!!!!!!! shitheads that aren’t at least a little self-aware!!!!!!!!!!! people that ask too many questions, fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

027. What is their idea of perfect happiness?

oh god that’s a good question can i take a raincheck i dunno, just a life without any kind of fear or anger? having a perfect soulmate that’s willing to do whatever? everything is going the right way? ultimately he feels perfect happiness is impossible and unrealistic since happiness is never constant and sustainable? uuuugh tbh it’s probably something he’d never consider because he thinks it’s so dumb and not gonna happen

059. List several phrases your character is fond of uttering. Where did they pick them up?

i only use like one of these but let’s play in the space and add some lines i should definitely be using more

“ hey, baby. ” i guarantee you he got this from some movie or game i just can’t put my finger on which one. i hear it so clearly in my head every time i type it out i just hear some chick’s voice i just can’t put my finger on who it is she’s high pitched and horny i just know it’s not catherine it’s either jessie from huniepop or one of her lines in huniecam studio i’m so fucking stupid

“ will you help me feel alive? ” or something along those lines, i feel like it was from some vampire drama on the cw can you tell that i don’t know anything this is just the single sexiest line in his fucking route i’m so angry about it my pants were already off

“ it’s one thing to not want something. it’s another to be told you can’t have it. ” i cheated this one’s from how i met your mother i’m a fucking asshole but he would totally say something in this wheelhouse either to himself or to someone he’s trying to convince

“ we’re only alive once. ” a classier way of saying yolo don’t fucking @ me

“ vampires are always in some kind of trouble. i prefer to be in it with you. ” this is a weekly reminder that i really need to watch true blood

“ i’m all yours, do whatever you want to me. ” it’s jessie huniepop again please he’s just so horny

074. What is your character’s favorite game?

would it be cheesy to say the game/art of pick-up artistry? like convincing people he’s worth their time and that they really wanna forget about their troubles if only for just one night? i feel like lanque finds a lot of fun in the thrill of the chase! he's usually extremely disappointed by how rare it is for someone to actually leave him satisfied, but the last thing he wants to do is consider something a waste of time. sometimes you gotta find the fun

076. How do they express anger?

he doesn’t, or at least not in terms of any sort of emotional projection. lanque isn’t usually someone to hide if something pissed him off. he’ll wait for someone to realize, and if they don’t and/or keep doing the thing he’ll just tell them ‘hey this was really shitty, stop it.’ 

---

@plumbacks asked:

011. How would your character court the person of their dreams?

as in how he would act in the relationship? terribly. lanque is already really bad in regular relationships and flings, but when he’ll find the one he will be an absolutely deliberate fucking mess. he’ll dig up information just to use it against them, try and express every single one of their flaws (even when they’re flaws he actually kind of likes) he will do anything to get out of that relationship.

he’ll use his poetry as a last resort, intentionally trying to come across as overly possessive and clingy (i mean he already is, but i’m talking like yuri doki doki levels. an intentional exaggeration of his clingyness to attempt to scare them off) but when they just accept it and say that it’s fine, he’d probably blow up at first!

lanque would break up with them!!! all the time!!! the worst on again off again relationship ever!!! it would take a ton of patience for someone that he really adores to get settled into the more genuine, sappy romance he really wants to have. taking them out on trips to the countryside, laughing and sharing picnics with fine wine, discussing books and even trying to write ones together

but getting to that point will take ages! it’s not worth it!!!

[pretty-volatile]

Journal entry

Thursday, June 6th, 2019 1:40am

So I realized I haven't really journaled in a hot minute and I'm trying to keep track of shit so I know what to bring up when I finally see the psychiatrist.

First of all, only 15 more days until my appointment. I'm still self medicating with weed, but my usage varies day to day. Some days I don't need to smoke AS much, some days I need a lot of help, some days I'm okay but I just want to have fun. My tolerance is higher so I can do daytime use without being affected really. I feel it helps with the anger episodes too. It used to teeter between being helpful/unhelpful for when I was feeling down. Sometimes it would make the overthinking worse because it'd be harder to pull myself out. Lately, I've been exploring my emotions more and being high just helps me open up but kind of numbs some of the pain I might experience. It's more of an emotional trip.

Second of all, I really fucked up this quarter. I'm a 4th year college student and I had already accepted that I need longer, but like. I am worried that I might get kicked out lol. I was Subject to Dismissal ever since I failed my entire Winter Quarter 2018. Oops. Then the next quarter I thought I was going to be able to pick shit back up but then I couldn't keep up so I dropped out of the quarter Week 10 (literally the last week of the quarter lolol). Ever since then I've been trying so damn hard to keep school up while my mental health just kept failing me. I'd start out new every new beginning of a quarter and then by Week 4 I'd start falling behind because I just didn't want to do anything. I couldn't. But then there was a time or two that I was able to pick my ass back up and got decent enough grades to go onto the next thing. This quarter started out pretty well. I was on top of shit til about Week 5 or 6 or something. But I fucking finally cracked this quarter. I had started to pick up on some of my habits, and then I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and I just lost it. I opened the floodgates to some memories that I had forgotten about or blocked out. Everything started to connect and I started to experience trauma on top of present reality. It was TERRIBLE. Still is but like. It was just so overwhelming to recognize things I didn't even know I did or I didn't know that they weren't okay. Then I reached out to my therapist and I was like I think I have BPD. Of course she couldn't diagnose me because she's not a psychiatrist, but she has experience with supper groups for folx with BPD and she has experience with DBT. But she kept bringing up that she thought it was more likely that I have bipolar disorder. I was still set on BPD. Trying to think of all the symptoms that I experience and match with. I was obsessed with proving there was something wrong with me or that I needed help. Part of me was also thinking "There has to be something wrong because if not, then I really am just a piece of shit...." My insomnia has been pretty bad, which the only thing that helps is...you guessed it!....weed. which sometimes it fed into it too so I'd have to smoke so much that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I started to accept the possibility of bipolar disorder too and I was trying to pay attention to my mood(s) more too. Since I was aware of the symptoms of BPD and then later on bipolar, I was starting to pick up when a change was starting to happen so I could warn my partner. At one point my mood was like I was starting over again every single day. It'd start out moderately good and then by the end of the night I'd be breaking down crying about how I didn't want to go to bed just to start the whole day over again. During that time it was EXTREMELY hard to pull myself out of my depression/emptiness. Then once that nightmare stopped my mood switched to being hypomanic for about 6 days. Then right when I needed to get my shit together for school, I started to fall again. At first it was a numb "I don't want to do anything, life is dull, what's the point, fuck it". Then I just became really really sad overall. I didn't want to get out of bed or do chores. I didn't go to class. It was just TOO MUCH but like it made me feel like shit because I knew I needed to go.

Oh and all while I was experiencing most of this, my therapist has been away on medical leave since May 17th and the last time that I actually talked to her was yesterday (6/5 @ 1pm) but it was just for a brief 20 minute call. But we'll be able to pick things right back up when she gets back. I only have to wait 11 more days, so that's good.

Oh and my like impulsive behaviors/reckless shit (for me) was like spending money on food outside of groceries way more than I should have....I got a really bad case of the fuck its and I couldn't really say no because if I didn't buy snacks and food that we didn't have to make we wouldn't have eaten (we as in my partner & I) because of my lack of motivation and energy to do anything at all. I got to use my eating disorder as an excuse to feed into my impulses, oops. Oh and of course I'm addicted to smoking cigarettes and like I smoke weed all the fucking time so I guess those could be some other "reckless" behaviors :P I don't really drink much because of my mother's alcoholism and PTSD. I've had tendencies in the past and when I turned 21 I had a bit of a freak out, but now I'm just like. I'll drink if everyone else is too or if it's for a show or if I just wanted some tall can of yummy stuff at home. Otherwise I REALLY prefer being stoned. It lasts longer. There's not really any PTSD associated with it, debatable but still. It helps me get over the anxiety of dealing with people or strangers specifically. Unfamiliar places with a shit ton of people are definitely a trigger for some panic episode or anger episode. I'll turn into a sour bitch for no reason other than that all the people freaked me out that much. I'm very much like I want a whole separate world for my partner & I and our friends so that we don't have to deal with shitty or creepy people....I like people once I get to know them and stuff but otherwise I'm just like SocIalIZing? Psssh ha...no. That also made it difficult to go to class because I got antisocial as fuck. I LOVE going for walks and doing errands while stoned and listening to music, but like...interacting with people? Having attention drawn onto me? Nooooooo thanx.

Finding out the BPD stuff though weirdly helped me to start talking to other humans again? Kind of? I mean it was mostly me like venting or whatever but I was actually talking to people? (Via messaging mostly) lololol the funniest thing is that a fp was the reason I even looked up BPD. I developed a "crush" first and then later I looked up BPD because I was like ya know... I wanna know. I looked it up once before because there was a time that we thought my mom had BPD. Come to find out, she had bipolar instead. But I remember the first time I looked it up I was like "ha! Some of these symptoms/signs are personally calling me out" but I was mostly looking at it to understand my mom so I wasn't really thinking about myself that much. Plus when I looked it up first, I was still disassociating pretty bad that I wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing or how I was feeling. But when I looked it up the second time... literally EVERYTHING or just about everything that was coming up was exactly how I was feeling or how I have felt in the past. Then I found out about the Favorite Person thing and I was like oof, that's some...that's some shit right there. I still have to sort out what relationships/crushes were actually crushes or just a fp thing that eventually faded away into me not talking to them anymore. That was really fun to admit to my fp that they were the reason I looked up BPD. Lol but we did have a good conversation and like I tried to talk to other people that either understood second hand or first hand. Another person I talked to has BPD, and the other already has mental health issues and his fiance has BPD (so they both understand). Found I am/was an fp to another person that I apparently inspired him to finally go get the help he needs, but like he just had to fuck it up recently by bringing up a touchy subject. I can only imagine how angry or upset he is with me for not responding, which is also why I don't want to answer because I'm too scared with that kind of pressure of being someone's fp 😭😓🙈🙊 sorry bud....just had to bring up something that happened to be a touchy topic 😅

Lately I've really been trying to use music to get me through shit again. Back in high school all I would do at home was stay up, listen to music, draw, write poetry, watch movies, stay up on my phone or laptop. And I was creative as fuck! I've been trying to listen to old music, which also helped me realized just how much help I need(ed) because of how much I would relate to this music and this music was like really deep and really...just it was concerning that is as so young and connecting with what these adults are singing about. It also helped unlock memories. unlocked old feelings. Lots of drifting. But now my music listening is a little more controlled and I used to go on these emotional trips full of memories and just letting myself get swept off into it. I probably can only do this successfully since I eventually said fuck it to the rest of this quarter. (I saved one class but uh unless my professors can make my BPD/bipolar go away then there's nothing we can do.) But like the emotional trips have been really therapeutic for me honestly. Sometimes I feel a little "aw fuck that's all I did today, oops". But other than that it's been helpful. I was also able to draw! I've done like 3 drawings within the like past week ish. Which is more than I thought I'd be able to do. For the longest time I was so blocked off from my emotions and thoughts, I'd feel like drawing but once I sat down it was hard to start it or finish it. Or I'd be able to do like 1 good one every few months. Back in high school I was constantly drawing and even into the beginning of college, but once I started disassociating it was like bye bye creative motivation. Obviously I don't want to take advantage of this burst of creative motivation but like it feels REALLY good. I eventually want to get back into poetry too. I'm actually an art hoe, but when I disassociated I like had no drive to document anything nor the mental capacity/awareness to connect the dots. Which really cramped on me being artsy because my whole art experience is fluid, just let it take me where I need to go. I did some poetry within the last year though. Mainly relating to addiction/alcoholism/insomnia. I'm very much an emotional set type person. It's almost always centered around a feeling or situation that invokes feelings/thoughts.

Okay that's even impressive that I got this much of journaling done, but I think I should stop now. This is long enough and now my thoughts are just kinda scattered and I'm too tired to keep coming back to any points I'm making. This was meant to just be a check in but it turned into like a full on documentation of how I've been feeling or whatever. Whew exhausted. Maybe I'll jot shit down again later after I reread my post later. Goodnight for now ✌