#(can you tell my brain refuses to focus on things today)

[m1d-45]

MUSHROOM ANON BEAT ME TO IT I WAS GONNA DRAW THE GOOD BIRB! (Joke aside holy smokes??? That art????? God tier level amazingness?????????? Fuck yeah dude thats some good art right there) -sibling anon

mushroom anon was the mvp on this one, buts it’s not like there’s a cap on how much art can be made

(totally not incredibly interested in the prospect of somebody making content based off my content which is in turn based-)

(seriously though… i’d be very excited to see if you chose to share… 👉👈?)

[augustinewrites]

cw: suggestive content, fem!reader

“come for a stroll with me.”

“i can’t right now,” wriothesley tells you, glaring down at the mess of papers atop his desk.

it was not in your nature to be petulant, but the over dramatic sigh that falls from your lips has him believing otherwise. 

though he wanted nothing more than to abandon the day's duties and join you on the surface for an afternoon stroll, the lord of the fortress of meropide was a very busy man. he had a prison to run.

“fine,” you say, though your exasperated tone indicates that his refusal was anything but.

“you’re the head doctor,” he reminds you, gesturing to the stacks of paper on his desk. “you know how it is.” 

“actually i don’t, because i don’t do all my work at the last minute.” 

“you have sigewinne, who does more than half of it for you.” 

“sigewinne likes paperwork,” you argue, settling yourself atop the corner of his desk. “you could have a whole team of people to help you with these things, but you’re too picky to let them.”

“they don’t do it right,” he huffs, pen scratching a quick signature across the bottom of the topmost report before shuffling it aside. “i know this place better than any accountant whose only concern is balancing a book.”

“fair enough,” you shrug, picking up and thumbing through his reviewed missives with about as much interest as one watching paint dry. he looks down just as a sneaky smile appears on your lips. “i heard it’s quite nice outside.”

“too warm,” he mutters distractedly, too lost in the process of estate management to chit-chat about the weather. 

“perhaps i should shed a few layers before heading out,” you hum thoughtfully, fanning yourself lightly with his papers. 

wriothesley looks up, about to scold you, but the words dry up before they pass the tip of his tongue. 

you certainly hadn’t outfitted yourself as a future duchess might, forgoing a frilly, structured gown for one of his own loose white button downs that’s tucked into closely tailored trousers. 

it’s with great intrigue that he watched your free hand undo the top two buttons of your (his) shirt, revealing the delicate swatch of skin over your neck and teasing him with a peak at your cleavage. 

you catch him staring as you set his papers down, eyes flashing with delight. like a predator that’s successfully cornered its prey. wriothesley - in a last ditch escape attempt - quickly looks away, clearing his throat and staring hard at the report in front of him. 

he could not get distracted today. not with so much work to do. 

but you, oh you. you hop off his desk, walking around it to drape your arms around his shoulders, pressing a light kiss to his cheek. “i suppose i’ll see you later then.”

he mumbles a reluctant goodbye but your lips linger, brushing dangerously close to that sweet spot behind his ear. 

do not give in, his brain instructs, even though it’s getting harder and harder to process the words in front of him with every slide of your hands. 

schooling his features into a calm mask, wriothesley draws a deep, steadying breath. it hardly manages to settle him because archons, you were going to be the death of him. he’s always considered himself a steadfast person with an immense focus that’d been built up from a young age. when he set his mind to a task, he was a difficult man to distract.

you and your wiles have always been proof of otherwise.

“just be back before our audience with neuvillette this afternoon.” he tells you, doing his best to ignore the heat rising to his face. 

finance reviews, surveillance reports, correspondence. finance reviews, surveillance reports, correspondence. finance reviews, surveillance reports, cor–

“stop it,” he demands when your fingertips glide across his chest, fiddling with the knot of his tie. 

“why?” you ask, voice cloyingly innocent. “am i distracting you, your grace?”

“no.”

you clearly do not believe him in the slightest. 

“care for a wager then? because i bet i can distract you by the end of the day.”

wriothesley knows that betting, wagering, or gambling against a former member of the house of the hearth is never a good idea. it’s a dangerous one.

he leans back, arms crossed over his chest as he attempts to salvage what’s left of his dignity. “what are the stakes?”

_____

you know your boyfriend. it isn’t hard for you to wind him up and get him right where you want. 

which was on top of you. 

or underneath you. it depends on the day.

there were no real intricacies in seducing the mighty and fearsome duke. it wasn’t even that hard to fluster him, because a simple brush of your fingers against his was enough to make his cheeks flush with colour.

you just needed to draw him out a little. you’re on the offense, and you know all the right moves required to force him to engage with you.

in an effort to avoid you and (attempt to) win the bet, wriothesley had locked himself in his office for most of the day. it worked out well for you, because you’d been able to sneak into his quarters holding a shopping bag from chioriya boutique.

your plan is put into motion when you hear the duke stomp up the stairs to get ready for the meeting with neuvillette. 

“get back behind that screen,” he instructs when you poke your head out from behind the divider. he’s even slapped a hand over his eyes, intent on staying focused on the task at hand.

wriothesley huffs when you laugh, turning his back to you as he rummages through the dresser. 

he’s murmuring the little rhyme he uses to knot his tie, so focused on the task that he doesn’t notice the crinkling of the tissue paper as you pull your new…outfit out of its bag.

“hey,” he asks. “are you almost ready?”

“i just need you to lace me up,” you call back, shrugging the shoulders of your gown down a touch before stepping out from behind the divider.

you turn to show him the undone laces of your gown, watching his reflection in the mirror. he’s regaled in the fineries of the duke, having swapped out his shirt for a clean black one and fastened a fine fur coat over his shoulders. you appreciate his appearance greatly, but even more so when he finds your little surprise.

“is this…new?” he asks quietly, gloved fingers brushing undone laces aside to get a better look at what hides underneath your dress. 

it was new. a custom set, in fact. your duke likes you in dark lace and sculpted pieces. 

he inhales sharply when you take his wrist, gently guiding his hand to one of the slits in the side of your skirt. 

wriothesley breathes your name softly when his hand drifts up your dress and settles on your hip, meeting nothing but skin. 

a smug, satisfied grin threatens to break out on your face when you feel his lips brush against your shoulder. you had him on the ropes now. he’s just so easy–

his sweet movements cease suddenly and he pushes you away gently. 

“you almost got me,” he laughs, quickly removing his hands from underneath your dress. he grips the laces, deft fingers making quick work doing it up and pulling it taut and tight to hide the tempting lace of your brassiere. 

“but–”

“go put your underwear back on,” he demands, delivering a firm smack to your rear. 

defeated but not the slightest bit deterred, you reluctantly reach for the abandoned garment as your boyfriend glares at the opposite wall. but losing the battle doesn’t mean losing the war. 

“should i put on the garter belt too?”

_____

downstairs, neuvillette sighs, cursing his better-than-average hearing. 

at least you’d had the sense to leave out some good tea.

[sirianasims]

Chapter 43.9

I arrive at GeekCon both sweaty and with a vague sense of unease. The stifling heatwave has turned the city into a pressure cooker, and it feels foreboding, like something terrible is building and about to break free.

I’m greeted by my own face by the door, advertising the panel that I’m supposed to be on this morning. I never got comfortable seeing myself like this, I prefer it when they just use the logo or my masked promo pictures. At least today is the last time I’ll appear as Llama Man in any official capacity, and then…

Then I don’t know.

But there’ll be time to figure that out later, right now I’m about to see Julia again. I can’t believe it’s only been a year since we met, and I have no idea how she feels about me right now.

I spent most of the night in my hotel room tossing and turning, thinking about what I’ll say to her, but I still don’t have a plan. I just want to apologise for ending things so abruptly.

It really wasn’t my best work.

She said she just wanted to be with you. And then you dumped her.

I groan inwardly as I scan the faces of everyone I see. There’s no sign of her, but the cosplay competition isn’t until later, she may not have arrived yet.

I wonder if she’ll refuse to speak to me at all. I wouldn’t blame her, but she never seemed like the type to carry a grudge. I just want to see her and make sure she’s not too upset about how things ended, something I should have done months ago.

I need to make sure she doesn’t hate me. I can’t handle if she hates me.

I guess I’ll have to play it by ear, although Lee would tell me that’s not my strongest suit.

I leave my jacket in the wardrobe and linger a bit, fiddling with my VIP bracelet. The gallery’s air-conditioning is working overtime, and it helps a little with the heat but I still feel uneasy. My eyes are drawn to the bathroom door.

If this was a movie, Julia would come out of the bathroom right now, exactly like last time. Our eyes would meet. A beat, as the camera cut from her face to mine, both of us too surprised to speak. I would recover first, tell her that we can’t keep meeting like this, and her face would crack into a smile. Then she’d leap into my arms and I would kiss her like there were no tomorrow.

Get it together, Romeo. She’s not kissing you ever again, you’re going to be lucky if she even speaks to you. Focus. You’re at work.

At least I’m not in full costume this year, I would probably have died from heatstroke. And it would have made me feel silly trying to have a serious conversation with Julia.

I decide to take a quick tour of the convention floor before the panel starts.

Even though it’s still early in the day, there’s people everywhere. Some tabletop role-players are recording their podcast on location, kids are running around, and several people are dressed up despite the heat. I wish Julia had shown me pictures of the costume she was planning so I knew what to look for.

A woman with long, red hair makes me do a double take, but I know it isn’t Julia before she even turns around, the way she moves is wrong. I know every inch of Julia’s body and this isn’t it. Everything Julia is, the way she walks and talks and laughs is imprinted on my brain, and it feels like I should be able to locate her by telepathy, by following some sort of invisible string tying me to her.

“Uh, Mr. Romeo! Sorry, hello.”

“Oh, hey. Edmund, right?”

The young man beams, clearly pleased that I remember his name. His booth was next to mine last year, we talked about old movies. I wish I could introduce Julia to him, she would have loved to discuss Cow Plant Love with an expert.

“Wait, you do know him? I thought you were lying!” The teenage girl next to him sounds somewhere between impressed and angry.

“Yeah, why would I lie about that? Sorry, sir, this is my sister Liz, she’s a big fan of Llama Man.”

“Can I have your autograph? I collect them, I already got the Coolala guy and the Freezer Bunny lady this morning. Oh, and can you make it out to ‘Lizette’, with a Z, please?”

“Of course. That’s a very cool costume, Lizette with a Z.”

“I made it myself! It’s Michelle from Doherty’s Revenge, have you seen it? The one with the zombie gym teacher?”

“Oh? Haven’t heard of it, do you think I should watch it?”

“You have to, it’s so good! I used to think it was actually really scary but now I just think it’s funny. Me and Edmund watch a lot of like, retro movies with dad, we even watched the really old Llama Man movies once. I’m gonna tell my dad I met you, he won’t believe it!”

“I’m flattered. Thanks for the movie recommendation, I’ll make sure to check it out.” I hand her the autograph before waving goodbye to Edmund who mouths a silent thank you.

Retro.

I know everything seems ancient to a teenager, but the word tastes like dusty VHS tapes, like lava lamps and shag carpets, like mid-century kitchens. This is my demographic, I suppose, nostalgic dads and their excitable kids.

Julia is not in the panel crowd either, but I guess that would have been too much to hope for. I would probably have found her presence too distracting anyway.

I know one of the other panellists, Mei Zhang, the iconic voice of the Freezer Bunny for over fifteen years. We’ve met briefly at conventions and even on a few gigs, but never really got a chance to speak much.

The third panellist is a young man named Andy Okeke, who seems to be voicing a few Voidcritters as well as a bear-like creature I’ve never heard of. It’s his first time on a panel, but he’s already annoyingly good for his age, and I can imagine him having a pretty impressive career at the speed he’s going.

I answer the same questions I’ve answered a million times before and try to find some sort of comfort in the fact that it’s the last time. As much as I loved my job, it got repetitive after almost a decade. Maybe I should get that number for Sierra’s agent, try to get back on screen. Maybe I’ve grown too complacent, stagnant.

Finally, the questions dry up and the last people leave the room, and just like that, I’m free from my contract. It doesn’t feel like freedom, though, more like a free fall.

“Hey, Romeo, wait up.” Mei stops me by the doors.

“How are you doing? It must be so weird.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know what I’ll do if they ever retire Bunny.”

“You’ll still have others, won’t you?”

“I know, but I’m known for Freezer Bunny, not for… four or five Voidcritters. I can’t even keep track of their names, which is ironic since it’s all they ever say.”

I’m not sure how to respond so I just nod. I’m impatient to get to the cosplay competition, but I don’t want to be rude.

“Mei, it was great seeing you again, but I’m in a bit of a hurry, actually.”

“Sure. Would you – would you want to grab coffee some time, though?”

Shit. Before Julia, I would have gladly followed Mei home tonight, maybe we’d even go on a couple of real dates before things fizzled out as they normally do. But right now, every muscle in my body is telling me that I have to go, to move, to be somewhere else.

“Sorry, I’m, uh. Maybe another time, I don’t…”

The giant poster of my face is judging my lame attempt at stringing together a sentence, and I’m painfully aware that the woman behind us has been sweeping the same spot for a minute now, pretending not to eavesdrop.

“I’m a big girl, Romeo. If you’re not interested, that’s fine.”

“Right. I am sorry, though, it’s not…” I mumble something politely incoherent and more or less flee the room.

Fuck. One year and I’ve completely lost my touch.

I hurry up the stairs, the competition must be just about to end. I can see through the doors before I even reach them, all of the contestants are on stage – and she’s not there.

I stand in front of the doors, frozen, arm still outstretched. This doesn’t make sense, she loves this, she told me about the costume she was planning, she should be here.

There’s no time to dwell on why I so desperately need to see her again, what I would even say to her, the only thing left is fear.

What if something has happened to her? Would I ever know? We’re not together anymore and we have no friends in common, no one who would think of me or assume I’d want to know if she got hurt or sick.

She could be dead. She could be dead and I would never know.

I’m vaguely aware that I’m spiralling but I can’t stop, I feel dizzy. The heat and the lights and the people, everything is too much and I can barely see.

Somehow my feet carry me outside, to the very same bench where we talked for hours on that first night. I try to breathe, deep breaths, but the air is too warm and feels thick.

My hands shake as I log into the anonymous account I made during a moment of weakness after she blocked me, and I pull up her social media in the hopes that she posted something recently, anything that can reassure me that she’s fine.

Relief floods through me when I see the timestamp on her latest updates. San Sequoia Aquarium, just a couple of hours ago. But the relief dissipates quickly as I scroll through the photos.

Nestled between fish and family pictures, there are two selfies with her friend Marten.

I stare at them, suddenly feeling numb.

Her eyes are shining like stars in the lights from the tanks. She’s smiling, and so is he. His arm is around her, possessively, and there’s a hint of triumph in his eyes that I don’t like.

He seems to be carrying her on his back in the other photo, and the thought of her legs wrapped around him awakens an urge to tear him away from her that is almost suffocating.

If they’re not already dating, it’s a matter of time. They would probably have gotten together a long time ago if I hadn’t been there. A petty part of me wonders if he was really being her friend or just biding his time, waiting for me to fumble, but that’s crazy. I barely know the guy. Actually, I don’t really know any of Julia’s friends, I just have a vague idea about their names and who they were to her.

I wasn’t a very good boyfriend, was I?

I told you it was better this way.

I’ve kept reminding myself that I didn’t make a mistake, and here’s proof at last. This was meant to be, they were meant to get together, I just happened to get in the way. He’s been a good friend to her, nice and considerate, while I only brought her chaos and pain.

I was so worried that Julia was wasting my time, but all along, I was the one wasting hers. She deserves better, I know this, but it still feels like I lost her all over again.

I put away the phone and take a deep breath of the scorching air. And then I reach for the tiny, secret corner of my heart where I was nursing my last hope of getting her back and stomp it out.

beginning / previous / next

[marengogo]

Are You Sure?! - #3: Jungkook Is My Chef - Jin, 2020

Neva Play - by Megan Thee Stallion feat. RM 

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

Hello sassy Gurls, Bois and Enbys, how y’all do~ing?

Told ya I was gonna use this gif a lot, this is basically me, for real - for real! Hope you are enjoying Neva Play by Megan Thee Stallion feat. RM, and I also hope you get to feel relaxed at some point in your day/week/life, which by the way, I have been feeling for the past 5 days and let me tell you relaxing was a very old feeling I hadn’t felt in such a long-ass time that I am frankly shocked and I am loving it. You know, that feeling where I can finally feel myself completely, talk to those I want to talk when I want to, and go about my day with absolutely no hurry:

Revolutionary! Staycations are where it’s at. If you haven’t tried it, I highly advise it.

Anyways.

Staying at home and only leaving the house for more relaxing activities got me thinking about a lot of things, one of these things being JK & Domesticity. As we all know or not my Twin-flame is not big on travelling, to be precise, he hates walking. He is the type of guy who would rather stay at home and cook you a very exquisite meal accompanied with the perfect drink he is a proper Earth sign he is a Staycation Connoisseur; what did you think he had all those mattresses for?! Duh. Another thing he’s not big on is doing things he doesn’t want to, and/or doesn’t like, add that to travelling and you have the perfect How to Turn-Off JK Package 😬.

But people the members at some point figured out a way to get around this particular aversions of his, being was bribery 😌, which would usually go “If you come with me to X, you’ll get to do Y”. Now, that was for 17 years old JK, who was extremely bad with the aforementioned, but let me tell you about 27 year old JK, you still might have to bribe him to a certain extent, but the acceptance rate is much easier; the growth is 👌🏾. However, you know who actually even doesn’t have to bribe a 27 year old JK? Literally, this person just has to ask? If anything JK has been the one trying to bribe this person for a good year 😬… Yeah! You guessed it, this guy 👇🏾

I don’t want to call my Twin-Flame a simp, cause he can definitely stand on business, but sometimes bro 🙄… 😩… anyways I’ll let him off for today. I’ll let him off because in all honesty, I am very impressed, and somewhat touched, by the level of attention he’s been bestowing JM during each episode, but real talk, he's been at it for years now, particularly when it comes to food, which is one of JK’s biggest loves so big it could compete with JM and also just so happens to be something that JM seems to be … somewhat selective about. 

The first time I clued in on this was during this live:

During this live, JM just so casually informed JK that the champagne they were being served was the only champagne he could drink, and you could literally see JK’s eyes and brain making notes. Not sure why JK had to know that bit of information, but sure, okay 🙄… this was November 2021. Fast forward to October 2022, almost a whole year later, during this live: 

Our Party-Party-Yeah Unit gets together and JK prepares champagne for everyone, except JM, at which Tae tries to make JM drink, which he refuses, and Hobi tries to understand why he is not drinking it, at which JM explains:

JK kept silent the whole while drinking and eating as one does when food is your passion, cause he knew better, in fact, he knew so much better that going back to 2021, during JM’s birthday live in October, even before the “Champagne Live”, he casually gifted JM a bottle of joy and 3 bottles of water of course, because even though JM asked for 1, you never know when you might need more water, you know?! 🤡 (Also, I’ll have you know that, personally, I am team JK Prepared That BD Cake, but as always, to each their own beliefs). 

So let’s keep fast-forwarding. We are now in 2023 and from America to Korea to Japan, Airplane pat.2 style, this is JK:

So my question here is: Does this look like the type of knowledge that a person who rarely sees someone would be in possession of? Imagine getting to seldomly meet someone and all you do is ask them about their dietary requirements, just so you can meet them again briefly and … recite said requirements to them? Not when they have the same inside jokes, the same taste, and, out of all the members, they seem to be very invested in couple-matching clothing like heavily?

Doesn’t it make more sense for this to perhaps be the result of continuous exposure to a certain behaviour/situation? JM often eats spicy things, hence he likes spicy things. JM likes this particular combination of flavours, so I think he will like this kimbap, also this sukiyaki and that ramen, etc etc etc. I’ve cooked so many things with pink sausage for JM, I was way shocked when he said it was ham! … All I am saying is that if JK didn’t budge when Tae couldn’t tell the difference between ham and pink sausage, but was hella shocked when JM couldn’t, he must have his reasons to assume that JM ought to have known. 

Y’all think I’m reaching about JK being very knowledgeable about JM’s nutrition facts? Understandable … but my husband 💅🏾 if you are new to my blog, Jin is my husband 🤡 seems to have thought the same thing as me shocker all the way back in 2020 as shown by this Festa profile that he filled while “pretending” to be JM:

This profile lives rent free in my head, and to this day, I’d like to ask my husband what was the reason? He was able to come up with very abstract, and profound, associations for all the members, except JK, his was very concrete and oddly specific; don’t you think? Cause you know what? If you think about it a little harder, you can be cuties, next-chair-soul-mates, god-like, aegyo-buddies, and best friends at a distance. But a chef? You gotta be physically present to cook and feed someone... and I’ll leave that at that. Very specific I tell you. Very specific.

This was literally all I think he truly wanted: a staycation with JM. 

All JK wanted was to “have a drink with JM”, most likely because he thought he couldn’t ask for more during their busy schedules. BTW, how mad is it to tell your mate that you are going to a whole other country to have a drink with someone? Though he does strike me to be the type of guy who gets you in for one drink and makes you stay for eggs, jussayin’ …

This was supposed to be just one trip. Once again, JK had tried all year to get some alone time with JM, so if one trip was all he got, to make the memories he might have felt he needed to get by in case they didn’t get to enlist together which they didn’t know during they would have during the NY trip: THEN SO BE IT. After all he had settled for a drink, one trip? Now that's luxury!

YET…  

NY - JM was kijul most of the time so, out-of-the-blue-cheese, caretaker was added as a job description. BUT not to fret … they got to go on another trip. Hell yeah!

JEJU - Last minute change: They ended up becoming hosts, which hey, they were great hosts! The guest had fun and the hosts were delighted. Win-win.

SAPPORO - … I wouldn’t be surprised if JK stopped by a trusted shaman before the trip, in order to learn preventive measures 🤡 not all shamans are evil y’all …. 

Winter. Snow. Reminiscing: Perfection 👌🏾. 

I think he would have been ready to Taekwondoo anyone who dared to come between Him and his JM Time. TBH I would have been ready to fight as well, I am his Twin-Flame after all and all I really ever want is for him to have what he wants. ALWAYS. I honestly truly want him to be happy, as much as possible, which, on this Sapporo trip, he seems to be a lot, by the looks of it particularly when all he wants is a drink in good company.

To conclude, the way I am looking forward, but also not, to episode 7 and 8 y’all can’t even begin to understand 🤡. JK’s excitement, romantic spirit, and clinginess levels are off the roof bro, so I’m a bit, on my toes he a simp he a simp he a simp. One thing I will also have to say tho, which I am fairly glad about, is that both JM & JK have finally learned how to be ready for the presence of a camera; kudos to you bros! 🤡

Always respectfully yours 🫰🏾💜,

Marengo.

[kumabeom]

this love - kang taehyun

letter 6 ; i want your complications too, i want your dreary mondays. wrap your arms around me 🫂

synopsis: what happens when soccer player!kang taehyun, who isn’t focused on school but is smart enough to pass, sees yn walk in the hallways nearly everyday after homecoming. taehyun’s new hallway crush begins to grow into something bigger, but what happens when he has to make a choice between yn or continuing to fail school ? will taehyun be able to focus on sports, classes, and trying to win yn over ?

your took small little licks of the sweet, icy cold yet soft ice cream. a small smile applied onto your face as you practically beamed with happiness as the sugary treat entered your mouth. taehyun took bites of his ice cream cone, the waffle’s satisfying crunch as he bit into the cone. he witnessed your cute appreciation for the treat as you continued to eat the ice cream. his eyes beamed with joy, he put what was remaining of the ice cream cone into his mouth.

taehyun took a look at his phone, receiving notifications from twitter. even seeing a reply from you on the most recent tweet that he posted. he clicked on a notification from beomgyu, seeing his quote retweet.

“yn..” taehyun slowly spoke up, small hesitation in his voice. you turned your head, continuing to eat at the ice cream cone.

“yeah ?”

“how come… beomgyu looks after you so much ?” he straightforwardly asked, it wasn’t like it bothered him, of course not.. he knew that you and beomgyu were just friends, probably more than friends, and not in the romantic way. he truly felt like beomgyu was your older brother at times.

“beomgyu..? i don’t really know.. he’s never told me why exactly. y’know, there was a time in my life where not everyone really liked me, taehyun. not everyone was nearly as accepting as you have been… i think, one day.. he felt pity for me. i never told him that i believed that, he was my only friend, i didn’t want to scare him off..” you explained.

“well.. now you have more people to depend on.. you don’t have to go through things alone… but- why didn’t people like you..?” he felt odd asking, feeling as if maybe he was pushing his boundaries, but his mouth moved faster than his brain did.

“honestly… i have no idea. i think it has something to do with my family, our neighborhood isn’t that big taehyun, i’ve probably known your longer than you think i have.. when you live in a small town, a single mistake can ruin your entire family’s reputation. nearly all of my siblings left this place, so i wan the only one to face the repercussions of their mistakes.. they all came back once they felt like it was ‘safe’. i think that’s why- but I’m not 100% sure why people didn’t like me. it’s not like i used to socialize that much to make people upset a me.

what about you.. what was wrong with you and your friends today..?” you continued.

“they think i’m moving to fast..” he simply replied. trying to avoid the topic of nari and how she dumped him during his soccer game’s half time. he refused to talk to you about that, he was ashamed of the idea of bringing up his ex while the two of you were enjoying each other’s company.

“well.. do you think your moving too quick ?”

“with you.. no..? not at all, i think it seems that way.. but isn’t the whole point of relationships to listen your feelings and do what you believe is right ? as long as you feel comfortable with everything.. i think we’re moving at a really good pace.”

you stayed silent, not in a way to shun taehyun and his rant. but rather a comfortable silence, taehyun felt relaxed with you. he felt like he could spill any of his emotions and thoughts to you, and he was sure that you were bound to understand. you had proven yourself to be so much more understanding than his friends, and he loved that. he loved that he could tell you anything, he could get anything off of his chest, and he was sure that you would still be by his side.

taehyun tilted his head, you watched as he seemed to contemplate a few things. you finished your ice cream, wiping your hands on a brown napkin. he got up from the wooden bench where the two of you had sat to enjoy the ice cream cones, taehyun pulled out his hand. you looked at his hands and then your eyes led towards his face. a tiny smile on his face, as you took his hand, getting up from the bench.

“how long until you have to go home ?” he questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“mmm- keep me out as long as you need, it’s better if i get home as late as possible.” you grinned, although your statement ended up making taehyun feel a bit sad for you. his heart ached at the thought of you purposely wanting to go home as late as you can because of your family.

taehyun kept a safe hold on your hand, he felt unnaturally warm. he felt like his heart was melting, at this rate he wasn’t sure if he’d make it throughout the day. his eyes stayed focused on the sidewalk, ensuring that the two of you were going exactly where he wanted the two of you to go. he was sure to keep you on the inside of the sidewalk.

he turned to take a few looks at you, his mind becoming corrupted in innocent little thoughts, his eyes becoming distracted by your reddish lips. he feels himself becoming a bit too distracted, bringing his focus back to the destination that he had in mind. he knew you would love the place that he was guiding you towards.

“tyun… where are we headed ?” you asked, knowing completely well that he wasn’t going to spill any of his secrets or surprises. but you still attempted to ask. in reality, the destination was only a few minutes away, like a block away.. but taehyun was having a bit too much fun walking with you while holding your hand. plus, it wasn’t like you really cared that taehyun was procrastinating on taking you home, in fact it just benefited the both of you.

“we’re going somewhere, promise that you’ll like it… don’t you trust me ?” and in all honesty, taehyun’s heart was still pounding like crazy after you gave him a nickname. and yeah, he had many people call him ‘tyun’ like soobin and yeonjun, but something was different when it fell off of your tongue.

“… i-.. i do. i trust you.” you hesitated, not fully believing your statement. you trusted him in this situation, but with the general question ‘do you trust me ?’ you couldn’t say that you did. but taehyun hadn’t done anything to prove otherwise, so far. there was also something in your gut that was telling you to trust the boy, something about him made you feel his sincerity, like he truly wanted to love you.

he turned the corner, as you followed behind. your eyes landed on a greenhouse. the amount of times that you had explored the town and you had never noticed the small greenhouse that was filled with a variety of flowers. taehyun led you inside the garden, it was rather spacious. taehyun closed the glass door behind him, watching as you admired the flowers that stayed safe from the cold breeze outside of the greenhouse.

you paused in front of the red roses, crouching in front of the flowers. plucking one from its stem, touching its soft rosy petals. eyes appreciating the form of life, a smile was brought to your face. eyes full of admiration and love for the flower.

“do y’know what a red rose means ?” you ask, turning your head towards taehyun, tilting your head to one side, bringing the rose close to your lips, smelling the scent that came off of the rose. petals slightly grazing your lips. taehyun came to crouch down across from you, the red rose filling the gap between the two of you. the sun creeping into the greenhouse, the sun shining on taehyun’s face, making his skin glow. the sunlight highlighting his lips, pink lips looking nearly kissable.

“of course i do.. love and passion.” he whispered, holding the rose with two fingers as you still kept your hold on it, but taehyun slowly let go. his hands still being held out. as you used your free hand to move his hands around the rose. he held it close to his chest, the two of you looked at each other. hearts pounding, taehyun kept one hand around the rose as he placed a hand on your chin. attempting to move you closer to him, his breath hitched, as so did yours. your eyes stayed on his lips, moving between his eyes and lips. you knew that maybe you should’ve stopped this from happening, but at the same time.. you wanted it so badly.

taehyun brought the rose up to your ear, as it stayed there, safely holding itself in place. your face moved closer to taehyun’s, beginning to feel a bit desperate for whatever he had in stock. your hands balanced yourself, holding onto taehyun’s button up as the two of you were still in your school uniform. you attempted to move him closer towards you. you felt his sweet lips graze against yours.

however,

you eventually felt a wet drop on your arm, followed by multiple drops. startling you, causing you to fall back. taehyun took your hand, preventing your fall from being worse than it could’ve been. he picked up the rose that fell out from its spot above your ear.

“you okay ?” taehyun asked, genuinely worried even though your fall wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. sitting still as the sprinklers continued to spray the water to hydrate the flowers.

“heh- i’m all good.” you giggled, smile displayed all over your face. a rosy blush on the both of your faces. still in disbelief that the two of you nearly kissed, and if it wasn’t for the damn sprinklers, then you would’ve been perfectly happy.

taehyun stood up, pulling out his hand for you. as you accepted his hand, reaching out for his hand. your hair progressively getting wetter as so did your clothing. the two of you ran out of the greenhouse, laughter and chuckles exiting your mouths. as soon as kang taehyun got the two of you out of the greenhouse, he took off his jacket.

he placed his jacket around you, as it hung from your shoulders. the rosy blush that had once left was now returning as you stood shyly in front of taehyun. he ruffled your wet strands a bit, getting out any leaves and dirt from your hair.

“you really do take great care of me, taehyun.”

“how can i not, you’re too pretty for me to just abandon you.. promise i’ll treat you better than they’ve treated you.” taehyun spoke, you knew exactly who ‘they’ is.. your family, past bullies and others who have treated you terribly. you couldn’t help but let out a toothy grin.

“first get me to the bus stop and then you can make me swoon.”

©️kumabeom

this love taglist : @run2seob @soobadooba @soobnuuy @pockychuwu @crazynyctophilia @rencarnationofangel @esther-kpopstan @mrsyawnzzn @matcha-binz @michinri @hanstarrs @ariam-96 @pinkheadflowers @kittyhyuka @run4gyu

an: sorry for not posting, i had midterms and finals… i also got a bit distracted by my demon and sweet home season 2 !!! ahhh song kang is literally filling my mind up 24/7 !! it’s definitely his year for acting !! n e way.. how do we feel about this ??

[phantalgia]

A Mental Impasse For Today

I often get into those situations where my brain just refuses to move forward. For whatever reason, whether I like it or not. I just stop. I woke up today with a weird dream, I don't want to get into it as that's not important. What is important is that I feel like I'm at a mental impasse.

Last night I was planning on what my next post would be and I just couldn't even think about it. So I decided to sleep on it. Nothing has changed. But this thing where my brain just refuses to move forward is quite a frustrating experience. I don't know if anyone else experiences it, but for me it causes a lot of distress. I don't know what it is exactly.

But here's what I will say that happened today. I woke up, and the first thing I do is check through my Instagram feed to be met with the shit happening in France. Emmanuel Macron refusing to announce the left wing PM and seeing how he had a meeting with Marine Le Pen. Now, I'm not too familiar with how French politics works but this didn't seem good and clearly isn't as the left coalition in France is backing the protesters. So that was occupying my mind. Which as you can imagine puts you in a state of worry as if liberals are that easy to cozy up to fascists then it doesn't spell good news for US politics or politics anywhere.

But that's all besides the point. My fucking brain. So, after being anxious about that, I knew I needed to focus my attention on Tumblr. Because I was bothered by the default theme showing my blog posts with a white background. I spent all morning and some of the afternoon trying to fiddle around with the HTML when I just ended up picking a different theme XD. So, problem solved until I actually really want a custom site.

Where does that leave me now? Well, through that search of a new theme I noticed how stressed I was. I can't quite tell if it was a physical stress, emotional stress, or a mixture. Whichever. But this goes into some of the physical/mental health issues I've been dealing with. I was planning to write about that but I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know where to start, what to say or what. So instead of writing about it, I'll write about how I feel right now and then have it lead me to talking about that. So here I am talking about it. But...I think I'll save it for as a part 2 of this post. Or a de-facto continuation of this while keeping it as a separate post.

I have been having other thoughts like trying to better organize these posts and shorten them down so they're more digestible. As you can see, I'm just rambling and rambling and rambling stretching this out as my mind goes on and on. Perhaps that will just be another goal to keep in mind for long term blogging. So let's see:

Long Term Goals For Blogging

Improve writing skills and grammar

Shorten things up or organize my posts to make them easier to read and more digestible

I do like rambling though. I could just ramble on and on and let my mind loose. It feels good, even if people don't bother reading my entire post, which I doubt ANYONE will. The alternative is to post like a Twitter (I refuse to call it X, if Elon Musk can deadname his daughter, we can deadname Twitter) post, keep it short and just update as the day goes on. We shall see.

Anyway, I think my mind feels somewhat clearer. Not really, but I do have some peace of mind that the things bothering me this morning and afternoon are outside of my head. So maybe later I can finally get into talking about my long term stuff I've been dealing with and analyzing that.

[assassinsdragons]

Fic Claim - LCDrarry 2023

Title: Champions of Karlstad Word Count: 18,3k Rating: Explicit Tags: Ice Hockey AU, SHL, Swedish Hockey League, 2022-2023 SHL Season, Färjestad BK, Luleå HF, Set in Sweden, Sports Rivalry, Rivals to Lovers, Hockey Typical Violence, Sexual Content, Mentions of Blood (nosebleed) Summary:

Draco signs a contract with Färjestad BK, one of the top ice hockey clubs in Sweden. Draco's long-time rival, Harry Potter, refuses to play with Draco, but still chooses to follow him to Sweden, signing with another Swedish club. Is screwing with Draco's life all that Potter really cares about, or is there some other intent behind his annoying behaviour?

Link to ao3: Champions of Karlstad

Excerpt:

The week between Christmas and New Year’s passes in a blur of practices, rain and two more games. One home game against another crowd favourite; Leksand IF (which Draco and his team won four against zero). And then one away game against the tricky IK Oskarshamn (which they also won, six-three).  By the time midnight strikes and the new year begins, Draco is feeling more than confident about what the new journey around the sun will entail. In fact, he’s feeling exhilarated, and perhaps a little arrogant. Not only has his team won all three games Draco has played with them this far, but he can also revel in the fact that Luleå have lost their last two games. Earlier today he even indulged himself, sending a better luck next time message to Potter.  To his surprise, Potter called back almost immediately only to curse at Draco, loudly and at length, before hanging up again. It put a smile on Draco’s face that still decorates his face while he watches the fireworks exploding in the sky outside. 

Author's Notes:

I'm patting myself on the shoulder, telling myself "Well done, you" because this has been a difficult journey. But I did it.

In my planning doc for this fic, I've previously written two messages to @sleepstxtic, who prompted a sports rivalry to this year's edition of @lcdrarry. Those messages are as follows:

Hullo there, Kat. It’s me. One of your many, many fans.  I won’t lie. It took a lot of courage for me to sign up for this prompt. Remembering what you wrote last year for bodiceripper, recalling the tension and emotions you created with your words. How can I ever live up to that? Truth is, I can’t. I can only try. And I knew, when I saw the prompt, that the only thing I could do to make the prompt justice, would be to call your obsession with tennis, and raise you my own: I had to write an AU about the one sport I’m completely engrossed in myself. Ice hockey.  I guess I’ve been looking for an excuse to write a hockey AU for quite some time already, and you finally gave it to me. And I guess that’s why I finally steeled my nerves, took a deep breath and plunged into the scary waters of writing for you. I signed up…

***

I have a question for you, Kat. Do you even understand what a struggle it was for me to write about something that made me so excited I couldn’t get my hands to stop shaking? That I couldn’t sit still enough to actually write for? That constantly made me sidetrack and focus on the actual ongoing ice hockey season in Sweden? Would you like to see my notes of planning for this fic and read about all my meltdowns over what happened during games I watched and whatnot? I guess it’s a journey of its own to read all of that. There are 21 pages of it available if you want it. Just tell me, alright? Cheers.

It's not that strange that I was so excited. Drarry? And ice hockey? AND FÄRJESTAD BK?! Together?!?! My brain literally melted.

As time flew by, my excitement for this prompt wasn't the only thing that made it difficult for me to write this fic, though. I was scared to write something subpar to what you deserved. To what my beloved FBK deserved. I was afraid that what I wrote wasn't worth reading. But I kept writing, slowly.

Real life knocked on my door. Uni studies and whatnot. Suddenly I had like five extensions past me and time was up. The fest was due to be over in only a couple of days.

I saw the end, I could see the horizon of the story. I was almost done. So little left, but it felt like so much.

I did it. At last, I did it. I finished it. On time!

(or, at least, in time before the fest was over... on time would've meant i finished it much earlier...)

So. I've got a long list of thanks I need to send out.

Let's begin with @celilasart. The incredible mod of Lights Camera Drarry who has a bottomless well of patience and care inside her. You always have a kind word to offer when one needs it, and you're always so encouraging. I've already sent you several thanks on ao3 and on Discord, but truth be told, I can never thank you enough. Please never forget how amazing and wonderful you are.

Moving on (before I start crying with gratitude for Celila), I want to thank @ununquadius for being my friend and for cheering me on through these past months. I don't know how you can bear with me, all the CAPS MESSAGES and rants about a sport you don't even understand. But you've always stood by me. You believe in me. You check in on me and my progress. Thank you, love.

@tsundanire. Jay. I'm sorry, alright. Just know I'm really sorry. Crashing into your house DMs, bringing a loud ruckus with me, demanding to know why the fuck I can't find an English term for this or that when it comes to hockey. Random questions about differences between NHL and SHL that are barely coherent. Please don't hate me forever. I'm still your friend. Just tell me what to do to make it up to you.

I didn't give you much time, @brightluminae , (I'll admit I didn't give myself much time at the end) but you still managed to help me sooo much, straightening the story out. I asked for cheers and help with fixing some wrinkles, and you came through brilliantly. Thank you so so so much for your help, my friend. Without you, I'm certain I wouldn't have been able to finish this before the fest ended.

AND LASTLY. @ladderofyears. Emma. Emma. Emma. Emma. EMMA! How do I even start? You're a champ, I think we all can agree on that. Writing and drawing your own submissions. Offering countless people help with proofreading their stories. Always encouraging people – friends or not – to keep going, believing that they can do it. And on top of that, you've spent five whole months with me and this story. You've been there through every struggle, through all ups and downs. My love and gratitude for you is neverending.

Cheers and love to everyone, and I hope you enjoy reading the fic.

[voidthewanderer]

8)  sender remembered something receiver mentioned they liked and brings it or something related to it as a gift. Vice versa'd for Ripper and Sweetjane? (She likes anything related to space, and baudy kitsch)

@bleumanouche || Simple Acts Of Romanticism

Not gonna lie, this one was hard to come up with a gift idea that felt right as a gift he’d give. Trying to look up ideas really didn’t give me too many ideas either; mainly forced kitsch or the idea of a kitsch aesthetic that I felt fell just outside of the idea of it. But space was also only yielding super generic ideas from my brain (thank you creative block!). But then I had an idea! I hope it lands! Stay tuned for the art of it, I wanna make sure it looks good before making a definitive post. I did add some references of the general style, however; at least until I can get something done.

Sorry this took so long, btw. Been trying to learn the whole work/life balance thing and it’s not going too well lol. I left it open ended in case if you wanted to make any changes to the outfit so it would be something she’d wear often if it isn’t yet.

•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•

Another decent day of exploring… Just him and him alone. Ripper loved the attention and being surrounded by his friends, but sometimes he just needed that little bit of time to himself. Time to think, time to breathe… time to mourn. Give him some time to let down that wall and just grieve what he’d lost so long ago. It didn’t matter that it had been well over two hundred years at that point. The memory still stung.

Part of him was worried that if he finally let go, the memories would fade and he’d forget why he was how he was today. Perhaps it wasn’t such a terrible thing, but a forever 36-year-old man acting how he did seemed desperate without the context to him. It felt midlife crisis; something he refused to accept would ever happen in his life.

However, despite wanting to keep his focus on the past, a light glimmered through; drawing his attention away. A new beginning; a new chapter. Soon, his thoughts just grew more and more about his new potential flame. A voice calling out, telling him that he deserved to be happy.

He shook the thought away, needing to be alert. He was a far way away from home. The last thing he needed was for him to get hurt… or worse… and nobody know what happened. He’d wanted to travel on his own for a bit, seeing if he could find something left of Crow’s family home. They’d been pretty bored lately when not working; he’d hoped maybe finding some of their old stuff would help.

He’d already been gone for three days, which had just been the walk down. He wanted to be back before the next week. Though, he hadn’t found what he was looking for either… he couldn’t let this trip be all for naught.

As he rummaged through a house, a pop of color caught his attention. His face lit up when he’d seen what it was. It was perfect! At least… for the one who crossed his mind when he’d seen it. He hoped it would be, anyways.

•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•~*♡*~•

“Is Ripper in?” Sweetjane asked the pale ghoul who had been sketching at the kitchen counter. They glanced over and smiled, “Not right now, he went back to New Jersey to find some stuff. It’s been about a week, though; he’s not normally away for that long. You’re free to hang out though. My fiancé just finished lunch about half an hour ago if you’re hungry. And Joey’s room is open if you’re looking for a nap.”

“Thank you,” food had sounded nice. It was just a matter of what it was. Thankfully, the other ghoul that had been mentioned was within earshot; going behind the counter to plate chicken with a side of carrots and a tarberry compote. It hadn’t been a large plate, just enough that would normally tied the settlement over for dinner.

“He talks about you a lot,” Crow hummed, going back to their sketch. This garnered a quizzical look from Sweetjane. They smiled, “Rips. He absolutely adores you. I haven’t seen him this elated in a long time. I’m glad he’s finally found someone who can make him feel like this again.”

A knock on the wall caught the room’s attention. Speak of the devil; the punk clad ghoul had been leaning against the wall, his smile bright. Crow returned it, “I’ll leave you two alone. Welcome home.”

Crow practically had to drag Arsenic out with them; wanting the duo to have at least a few hours alone. Ripper perched himself onto the stool that had since been vacated, pulling his overstuffed pack onto his lap, “‘M glad you’re here, Tesoro. Found something while I was in Jersey. I know it might not be your norm, but… I hope you’ll like it. Hopefully it’s not too wrinkled too. And that it’ll fit. Crow might need to take it in a little.”

Before Sweetjane could say anything, Ripper pulled out a petticoat that looked similar to a dress. It crop at the waist with a belt, most likely to either show the midriff or to wear a high waisted bottom. The bottoms of the train were fairly tattered from time, but still did seem to hold some shape. The back ruffling was a solid space fabric, possibly homemade, as it appeared more tie dyed. The sleeves also had cuffed roughly mid bicep, a form fitting mesh sleeve flowing down and flaring out at the wrist. On the back was very intricate bead embroidery work, looking like a galaxies in space.

“What do you say? Is this OK? I remembered you mentioning you liked space and the jacket itself kinda reminded me of the wedding dress you like to wear. If you want, we can try it on now, maybe get it pinned up in case if it does need to be taken in. I think you’d look even more beautiful in it.”

“I’d love to,” a small smile did flash on Sweetjane’s lips; making his heart absolutely leap. “Where’d you even find something like this?”

Ripper held out his hand, taking to as they went to look for the pale ghoul who’d just left, “There was this little bimonthly festival in New Jersey before the war. All the misfits who’d call themselves witches and whatnot would get together and sell homemade stuff. If I’d have to guess? The person who made this probably sold there. Maybe Crow would know, they used to sell when it was close.”

There was a spark of excitement between the both of them it felt. Ripper was excited to see her in the jacket. He hoped that she’d like it.

[anxiouslyfred]

Discovering Red Pandas

Summary: How Remy found the red panda cafe in the imagination, and how Roman some indeterminate amount of time later found out about anxcietmusleep

Author's note: I did not want to write today, but I said I would for each day of July so meh. This is part of the Vampiceit au I have with @lostcephalopods (formerly loveceit) I swear there's more of it than I could find searching my blog today but tired brain is not digging for it.

My Idea note for today: Vampiceit - How did Remy discover the red panda cafe? What happened when Roman did? Do any of his datemates have their own unique date locations?

/\/\

Of the people who spent the most time in the imagination, Remy was probably the one to understand it best and that was still very little. If he tried to explain it, the sides often tried to correct them that they’d asked about the imagination not Remus.

Logan especially had once grown very frustrated over it, even though Roman agreed. The imagination isn’t predictable and often forms places or characters completely randomly.

For Roman and Remus, it wasn’t as unpredictable because they had some measure of control over it the other sides would struggle to manage, but that never meant they knew everything that happened within. They’d often be surprised by a new area or adventure to go on and half of Remus’s exclamations could be copied from occurrences within.

Remy didn’t get, or want, to control the imagination, but often found himself stuck there while Thomas slept or daydreamed. He could focus on the dreams of individual sides if he wanted, or be made to if they were especially loud or worried, but many nights were spent wandering Thomas’s dreams through the imagination.

It was a night like that that Remy found his cafe. He’d later learn about a planned trip to the zoo but right then he just saw the little red pandas climbing along branches and the tables scattered around.

That week had been one of disturbed nights for Remy. Janus was concerned over Virgil’s continuing love of vampires again, and Roman had been in a state of bouncing between ideas. The only thing going for Remy actually resting was that Remus hadn’t started causing any more chaos than the usual low amount.

Having coffee surrounded by the cute creatures seemed at least peaceful, if not somewhere he might just drift of to sleep themself.

/\/\

“When did we get a cat cafe?” Roman’s voice woke Remy, realising he was curled into a sofa still in the red panda area and that Thomas, along with all the sides, was awake now.

They sat up, stretching and calling over their shoulder, “Might want to look at the cuddly creatures again, Princey. Also, you’re keeping this place for me. I refuse all arguments to say otherwise.”

“I don’t know what they are then, but fine, you can keep your teddy bears picnic area. At least until I get Logan here and he explains why this is unhealthy for them.” Roman heaved a sigh, looking Remy over again. “Why haven’t you been sleeping this week?”

“Disturbances in the force. Which will be small compared to what I’ll do if you bring Logan here for that purpose.” Remy snarked. “They’re red pandas and I’ve decided this is their Cafe Extravaganza. Now I just need a date to bring here and amaze.”

Roman nodded, “Indeed, the pursuit of true love is ever emboldened by prime date locations. Very well, I shall allow your request, but you must enlighten me if ever you find true love.”

“Sure babes, Moment it happens I’ll run out to tell you.”

/\/\

Roman’s screech made them all freeze momentarily, before Remus was screeching back, unbothered by his nudity as he raced towards the other Creativity.

“I said tell me! Not let me walk in on whatever orgy this is!” Roman dodged around, pointing angrily at Remy.

Remus leapt onto his back at being ignored, also looking at the function. “Tell him what?”

“If I ever got a date, Sugar. He said that when he found my cafe.” Remy called over, snickering when that resulted in Remus now dragging Roman to the bed.

“Okay, so Remy is definitely our boyfriend, first it was just Virgil if Sleep had paid more attention to him and it was dullsville in how slow they went, so Jailbait and I joined in to kick them into hyperspeed. Just wait till I tell you all the kinks we’ve tried and have yet to try.” Remus was happily sharing, avoiding all attempts from Roman to escape.

[girlwithptsd]

It's sad when you have to pretend a family member isn't a family member, that they are just a shitty roommate.

I've tried over and over with this particular family member to talk things out. I pick easy, small things to focus on so that they don't get overwhelmed, but then I get overwhelmed from their lack of trying and just general disrespect and disregard.

It doesn't matter when I talk to them. If they're in a bad mood, I've made it worse. If they're in a good mood, I've completely ruined their mood and day. And if it's pointed out that it's a small thing to ruin one's day, they say, "I was just joking," or they double-down on the anger and you can't always tell which one it will be.

I can't have a serious conversation with them either. Depending on their mood, they make jokes throughout when I'm trying to have a serious discussion.

I'm so tired of it. I spent the majority of my life walking on eggshells around my parents, I'm not going to now do it around this person.

Today I tried again to have a genuine conversation with them. I was furious at their lack of effort in keeping shared spaces clean because it is now mildly affecting my safety. So I said something, but came at it from a perspective of how can I help you remember? The family member made a joke, and then when I continued they said they were too tired and began ignoring me, even though I had asked for that time to be set aside for us to talk in advance.

Later, I sent them a message saying I felt hurt and unheard, that I had been angry but still wanted to help. The family member then refused to eat dinner in the same room as me and still, 8 hours later, has not spoken to me or texted me back. They did, however, text my mom about me.

I'll admit text is not the best way to communicate hard feelings, but face-to-face had failed, so I tried a different route.

Last time I tried having a hard conversation with this family member, they ended up shouting at my mom when my mom told them not to barge into my room and start screaming at me. I ended up locking my door that night to prevent it from happening.

I have nowhere else to live, but this family member could move out almost whenever they'd like. I've lived with roommates plenty of times, but this family member never has. They have either lived with family or with a partner, and living with a partner didn't last very long. This family member is younger than me, but only by a few years.

I am not putting up with abusive behavior anymore, so if I can't move out yet, I'm going to change my mindset. I rent a room in a home with a shitty roommate. I'll be polite, but no longer putting forth heartfelt effort.

Time to make chore charts and start labeling my food again when it's in the communal refrigerator.

No more offering to help with their portion of the shared spaces. If it starts to affect my safety again, I'll do something about it, but otherwise they can live in their own filth. I'm not neglecting my own cleaning in order to help them with theirs. Not enough spoons on Earth for that.

I'm so angry and on top of that, angry that I have to waste brain space on this bullshit. I'm also angry that my gentle words are so often met with hostility. Imagine if I ever expressed how I really feel, without holding back?! But I don't like screaming or yelling, it's just not who I am, and I definitely don't want to ever physically intimidate or hurt someone.

I feel that screaming into my pillow and punching it is in my near future...

[11lights]

August 18th, 2023

0546L

Temp 87°

Saddlebunch Keys, FL

Another regular time start to writing this. I've been waking up at a normal time which means I've been going to work at a normal time which in turn means that I have to write this on my way to work when I'm driving. I don't really mind because it's only me in the car and my cousin doesn't have the potential of hearing me sound like a psychopath talking to myself. I woke up today thinking about the moon getting smaller and disappearing in the sky. Don't know why but that's what I thought of. I was also sore as shit in my neck and trap right trap area. I really have to replace the control arm on this truck, it is squeaking all over the place. I can definitely tell by my sporadic train of thought that I am still very tired. This is day three of the fast and I don't feel that superpower energy that people talk about. I just feel like a light focus in one direction, which I guess is good for me since I tend to overthink all of the time. Yesterday my lieutenant commander asked me if I could cancel my leave so I could start training on ground control. He was very upset with me and tried his best to explain the situation of the facility and my training and why would be better for me to cancel my leave and just work. I find it infuriating. Because now in his eyes I am the bad guy, I'm the sailor who isn't for the mission, I'm not willing to do what it takes. Which is bullshit! It is insane that someone who makes double what I do, has every weekend and holiday off, and can take leave whenever they desire. The one who sets the policy for our division, whose own policy states that no one can train if they have leave and will refuse to budge against that. But also put us on 6 days of work one day off a week. That guy is upset with me because I wanted to take a leave. I literally promised him in May that I would not take leave for June, July and August but I told him then that I am planning to take leave in September for my best friend's visit and my cousin's birthday. So stupid. Had me attend a meeting to try to convince me after I was relieved after work which made me late and flustered on my way to go fly.

Enough of that. Let's talk about the flying though. Earlier in the day yesterday I talked to Barbara about my uncomfortableness with my one instructor bragging about breaking or bending the rules and his blatant disregard for safety. I mean my man was literally skipping checklists that were made to keep us safe while I'm in the beginning of training. So I told her that I did not want to fly with him anymore. At least while I'm still learning the basics and she understood and I flew with kai instead. We practice some maneuvers. I told him about my situation and then we got into the pattern. I absolutely hate the fact that I can't land. It is infuriating because that's like the one thing a pilot should know. I understand that I'm brand new to flying and it's not expected, but also I wish you came naturally so I didn't feel discouraged like I do right now. It feels like I might never get it and I might not be cut out to land, which could potentially mean that I'm not cut out to be a pilot and I hate that thought. Whenever I turn final and I'm like in the last 500 feet of descending my brain just goes scattered and I can't think or speak and I just mess it up. It's funny how I can be carefree and positive about everything else in life, but the one thing that genuinely matters to me I'm just beating myself up about. And I know I shouldn't. I know I should zoom out and understand that I'm new and all of this is new and I am going there after work and in the middle of a fast and I'm still learning. I'm less than 5 hours in, but it does feel little disappointing to be so lost in the sauce on landing. All right. Well I'm just pulling into work so I got to get a little brief. He's the third day of the fast and I feel good, not feeling any major fatigue or difference. I haven't gotten the extreme hunger pangs. I know tomorrow is going to be the hardest day but so far so good. The hardest part is when there's nothing to do and I'm bored because that's when I want to eat. When I'm just sitting at home and I have no concrete plan to do anything that's when I think of how long it's been and how long it'll take to finish this. For some reason I'm not really motivated by the numbers on the scale, but more or less the mental challenge that I need to go through as if it's some sort of penance for letting myself devolve so far. Not just physically but productively and mentally and all that jazz. Okay well before I delve deeper into the negativity. I just parked at work. I have 26 minutes until muster and I have to go change since I started going into work in civilian clothes since that's with the chaplain recommended and it does feel fucking awesome for some reason. I hope I didn't forget anything.

[negativepostgenerator]

I refuse to queue shit posts because that is too much work but I will continue to post oddly prescient Nintendo predictions.

On today's episode, I will predict the Switch's successor.

As with my previous prediction regarding Paper Mario, it is valuable to examine the past to predict the future.

What most people don't tell you about Nintendo consoles is that most of them are boring and only the last few have been interesting. The Color TV Game, NES, SNES, 64, and GameCube are fundamentally boring devices when compared to their contemporaries. They are notable mainly for the quality of software and evolution of their controller from an Arcade plat to a versatile hand-shaped interface with four face buttons, two sticks, some number of triggers, and a d-pad. (And three pause buttons, as God intended.) It is worth mentioning that Nintendo home consoles follow a strict pattern of a popular console followed by an unpopular one. NES followed by SNES, 64 followed by GC, Wii followed by Wii U. It is highly likely the Switch's successor will fail to exceed its parent, considering the Switch is making DS numbers.

The real history, as true connoisseurs will tell you, is in the handheld division and in peripherals. The Zapper, the Keyboard, the Mouse, the GB Camera&Printer, ROB. Nintendo supplemented their consoles with secondary hardware to facilitate unconventional play approaches. When the GameCube struck, though, Nintendo began using interplay as a feature. GC games with GBA compatible features, the Link cable, that sort of thing. Nintendo WFC in the Wii/DS era made this process wireless, but it fell out of favor simultaneously.

An evolutionary lineage can be drawn through each Nintendo console since the GameCube. The GC had a handle to make it easier to carry, which was a stray bit of DNA from the hybrid-intended Virtual Boy. The two-screen TV-handheld play style of games like Four Swords encouraged the development of a two-screen device that was lightweight enough to stand on its own. Hence, the DS. The DS had a touch screen, which is apparently a nonrestrictive piece of technology considering every handheld since has had one. More importantly, though, a quirk of a handheld console is that you hold the screen in your hands. In Mario Kart, play testers would lean into the turns with their hands. Brain Age had you hold the device like a Book. Bowser's Inside Story made the screens into a diorama for giant battles. The hardware could become a part of the play experience rather than a passive window into it.

That the Wii came next is a no brainer. Its unconventional controller design still retains untapped potential to this very day. For as shallow and weak some of the casual output in the Wii era was, the innovation on display from most developers during this period was outstanding. Mario Kart Wii is played *by* leaning into the turns. The Wii remote and Nunchuk added several new features to the Nintendo hardware ecosystem: motion, IR pointer, a controller split between both hands, an asymmetric controller interface, and the concept of the "room" becoming part of the play space.

Early games for 3DS attempted to continue these concepts. The 3DS is packed full of garbage: multiple cameras, a gyroscope, 3D (hi again Virtual Boy, so weird to see more of you again), a mic, touch screen, an increased focus on Wi-Fi & Street pass. The longer the 3DS lived, the more obvious it became that users wanted more of the DS, and not a Square Whatsit for looking around their room holding in front of their face, though.

This is a lesson the Wii U failed completely to learn, thoroughly regressing to the GameCube era of putting the TV and handheld device at odds with each other. The good part of the DS was a touch screen that didn't get in the way of the display, not Having to look in two places at once. What's more, the Square Whatsit is even heavier and more cumbersome. The only key feature of the Wii U not present in a more appealing form is the ability to zoop the TV screen down onto the game pad and walk around your house with it. Not any further though.

So anyway, they made it so that you could go further with the Switch. This fucking thing is firing on all cylinders: symmetrical motion controllers that are also their own tiny full controllers for two players, an IR pointer, a touch screen, a gyroscope, fully hybrid! The fat has been trimmed: no cameras, no mic, no dedicated 3D display. And best of all: a dock for turning your beefcake handheld into a quaint, sleek, lower-end homeboy.

Get it? Get what I'm saying? Every successive console has been taking underappreciated aspects of the previous console and expanding them to create a new device with that as the focus.

So what IS that feature for the Switch? I think it's the Toy-con. A clever way to create lightweight, disposable, inexpensive peripherals? Maybe. But then what's with the Toy-con VR goggles? First of all, Hi again Virtual Boy, we keep meeting. Why do we keep meeting. But second of all, why go to the trouble of creating a faux-headset for a console whose display is too low resolution to properly support VR?

Probably as a proof of concept, I'm guessing.

I've been looking at old Switch patents - One that grabs my attention is one where the controller is bezzled into the screen, in an oval shape, and the screen is the entire front of the device. Weird, right? Especially since the Switch looks nothing like that. What value is there in having the entire device be the screen? Perhaps it's to minimize the weight of the device when it's strapped to your face?

I've had a conspiracy since the Wii U came out that Nintendo has been itching to give the Virtual Boy a second chance. What I believe is that this "third branch" talk surrounding the DS, the 3DS, then the Switch, is a front to test concepts relating to VR in the newer, market-untested hardware. The original plan was to have three branches: a home console division, a handheld division, and a VR console division. However, the first two have met in happy unity, so the slot of a heavyweight, difficult-to-move setup console is open, now that the Switch has proven the value in trimming the fat on a home console until it is truly portable, not just a box with a handle. In the future, perhaps two generations from now, we'll see Nintendo split their handheld and console divisions again, with the Switch-style hybrid models acting as the handhelds.

The Switch 2, for lack of a better term, will be announced Q3 2024. It will be a device that at once trims the fat on the Switch further, being rid of the IR sensor and co-op baby-controllers in favor of an even more elegant, efficient, powerful, and ergonomic device that is even easier to accept the idea of strapping to your face. The Toy Con will be expanded - the new device will feature some new way to easily access a suite of on-demand cheap (or better yet, immaterial) peripherals, and more games will support VR/3D.

It will make early adopters and journalists invited to try it motion sick, and will sell modestly, propelled mainly by a hardcore audience that has basically only been itching for a beefier Switch for three years and counting.

[jdgo51]

How Long Has It Been Like This?

Today's inspiration comes from:

Why Am I Like This?

by Kobe Campbell

Pain Changes Our Brains and Our Lives

"'Within my first few sessions with clients who’ve experienced childhood trauma, they usually find a way to communicate that their pain isn’t valid enough to hurt them as deeply as it does — especially my Christian clients. They’ll go through a list of rehearsed statements when I begin to allow room for them to feel deeply about their experiences without my interrupting.

“It’s not like I was sexually abused or something.” “I didn’t have it as bad as others. I just need to get over it.”

“But no one laid a hand on me.”

As they continue to attempt to convince me of how their experiences really aren’t that terrible, I think of all the times they must have been invalidated in the past. All the times they let their pain be seen, only for others to shame them into leaving it in the darkness. All the times they taught people how to dismiss their pain by dismissing it themselves so they wouldn’t have to live with the unexpected sting of rejection.

Sometimes we’ll turn our back on ourselves because we think others will, too, one of the most common acts of self-betrayal. I consider self-betrayal the act of denying or minimizing one’s true nature, feelings, or needs in order to avoid conflict or judgment. It’s a clever way to maintain connection with others and a quick way to lose connection with ourselves. Unfortunately, it’s common for Christians to feel shame about their needs, because of how Scripture has been used against them. They often expect me to join the chorus of invalidating voices as they list off Bible verses people have used to shame them in the past. Instead, I lean in and listen. I stay right there, not letting the conversation move on. Whenever this happens, I think of those funny images of lazy dogs who are all but forced by their owners to go on walks. Rather than resisting or running back in the house, they just lie down, leash and collar attached, deciding they won’t.

You don’t have to be touched to be traumatized. The words spoken over you that sting to this day are evidence of that. The phrases that swirl in your mind, talking you out of trusting and risk-taking, are proof. Not thinking about the things you experienced doesn’t mean the damage they’ve done in your life is gone; being hurt a long time ago doesn’t mean you’re not affected right now. You may think that what you went through was small, so you don’t have to deal with it. I hear you. But you also know you can’t keep living the way you have. The patterns of overdoing, underdoing, hiding, and craving the limelight have shoved you into the shadows of inauthenticity and shame.

There’s a reason God tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:39). We can’t love others well until we love ourselves first. You may show up for yourself when people are watching, but how do you speak to yourself when no one can hear you? How do you treat yourself when no one can see you?

Deciding to “skip over” acknowledging and speaking about our trauma while trying to live a full and present life is like refusing to rehabilitate a sprained ankle to focus on running a marathon. Not only does it not make sense, but it’s also incredibly dangerous. Similarly, deciding not to talk about your trauma or address it at all will cause incredible damage to your brain, body, and soul — the very things you need to live the life God has called you to.

Some of us don’t feel worthy. We don’t feel like we’ve been through enough to seek help or share our wounds. We feel like there’s not enough shock and awe in our stories for people to care. After years of being told by parents, teachers, and pastors to “just let it go” or “leave it at the altar,” seeds of self-loathing create the deep-rooted fear that our pain is still present because there is something fundamentally wrong with who we are. Your pain deserves to be seen, heard, and validated. No matter how big or small society says it is. You are not the problem. Your pain is; your wounds are.

Being wounded doesn't make you a bad person. Being in pain doesn’t make you a bad Christian. It means you need comfort and healing. You deserve to receive that. The courage it takes to recall some of the worst moments of our lives is truly divine. It requires something outside of ourselves to revisit the times that made us feel like life was unsafe, scary, and not even worth living. But the harsh truth, from one trauma survivor to another, is that every time we don’t look back and revisit the past to heal, we pay the price. Even when we’re gifted, even when we’re successful, even when we’re “anointed.” We don’t have to live in the past. We don’t have to be consumed by it. But in healing, we get the opportunity to look back at our past to process our pain and extract the wisdom that we need for our present. We can’t move forward without looking back. I imagine that’s why the word “remember” is used 253 times in Scripture. Remembering, confronting the truth of how we’ve been wounded, is what allows us to recover our lives from the trauma that’s taken so much from us.

Being in pain doesn’t make you a bad Christian. It means you need comfort and healing.

HOW LONG?

In Mark 9:14–24, a father brought his demon-possessed son to Jesus to be healed. No one had been able to heal him or help him. The first question Jesus asked this boy’s father was, “How long has he been like this?”

I think Jesus wanted to bring to mind the full scope of this family’s anguish. They needed to be fully aware of the size of their despair, so they could see that pain so deep and long-lasting can only have a divine solution.

I am not saying that your mental and emotional pain is a sign of demon possession. I am saying that Jesus asked this question because it matters how long we’ve been in pain. It matters how long we’ve been carrying these burdens.

In a similar way, God is calling you to remember how long you’ve carried your burdens so that you can become aware of how in need you are of His divine presence and healing.

Many of us have been wondering why the good moments of our lives don’t stick. We don’t understand why, even when our prayers are answered, we don’t feel grateful or excited. We can’t enjoy the present until we’ve made peace with the past. We have to look back; we have to stay in the room in order to heal.

Many of us learned how to be safe through hiding behind patterns. It’s time to learn how to be free. We must face the things in the shadows and tell the boogeyman, “This is my house, and if anyone is leaving, it’s you.”

Reflection Questions

What situations do you feel God is calling you to acknowledge and talk about? What emotions do those situations bring up? Who is a safe and reliable person you can talk to? (A therapist is always a great option.) When you feel the emotions this situation brings up, how do you cope with them?"'

Excerpted with permission from Why Am I Like This? by Kobe Campbell, copyright Kobe Campbell.

[livingthevibrantlife]

LET GOD STRETCH YOU AND CREATE SPACE FOR MORE IN YOUR LIFE!

The last 3 weeks we’ve been talking about “Moving in 2023”, “Increasing our strength in 2023”, and today, we will focus on “stretching in 2023”. These are all intertwined together, often strengthening activities involve moving and stretching, just as stretching may involve moving and strengthening, etc.

Here’s a few more ideas on incorporating all three into your daily activities, see RUNNING THE RACE FOR STRENGTH THIS YEAR for more ideas and inspiration.

When you’re watching non-streaming TV, stand up every time there’s a commercial break and march in place until the show resumes, Bryant suggests. “We know that disrupting sedentary behavior is very beneficial,” he adds (1) You could also stretch on one commercial, do a strengthening move on the next and then add movement on the next.  Pick several exercises ahead of time so you are prepared. If you don’t have commercials, then pause your show every 30 minutes and take a 1-3 minute move/stretch/strength break.

Research suggests that standing up and moving for about three minutes every half an hour may lessen the negative health effects associated with prolonged sitting. Other studies have found that three one-minute bursts of activity every day promote longevity, and that stepping in place during TV commercials can indeed increase physical activity and daily steps.(1)

(1) https://apple.news/Aw9DU1mQfQcGL_6rp7hw1gg

PROVEN SUCCESS FOUND IN GOD’S WORD

God has given us a proven success formula for our mind, body and spirit fitness in Proverbs 3:5-8 (NCV)

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.

Don’t depend on your own wisdom.   Respect the Lord and refuse to do wrong. Then your body will be healthy, and your bones will be strong.

Stay focused on God, seek Him, listen to him and He will give you success! Don’t rely on your own wisdom, actually refuse to! And let God’s wisdom guide you so your body will be healthy and your bones strong.  We also have the scientific tools to help us, which tells us that movement, strengthening and stretching exercises add resistance to our muscles which pulls on our bones, strengthening them in turn.

STRETCHING OUR FAITH LEADS TO ACTION!

Stretching is the process of creating space. When we stand tall, we create space between each vertebra, when we stretch in any direction, we create space in our muscles, tendons, ligaments, etc. which can in turn relieve pain and help us develop correct posture physically. When we stretch our minds to learn new things, to memorize scripture or challenge our brain, we are making space for more brain health and possibly adding longevity to our lives. When we stretch our spirit, reaching out to God, seeking Him with all of our hearts, minds, souls and strength we are renewed.

Stretch out your hands to God and be filled!;

My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah (Stop and think on this). Psalm 143:6

Stretching Your Faith is a personal journey of creating space and time to hear from The Lord. Stretching your faith is learning to be still and quiet the chaos that surrounds you, so that you can hear the still small voice of God.(2) God is not trying to hide His plans from you and He has great plans for you - He knows your body, mind, soul and spirit and He knows what you need, even before you do! (Even before the words are on your tongue!). As your soul longs for God, as if it is a parched land longing for water, so stretch out your hands to Him and let Him stretch you, strengthen you and fill you. Let Him move you!  

(2) Paraphrased from Stretching Your Faith: Practicing Postures of Prayer to Create Peace, Balance and Freedom by Michelle Thielen)

[2lim3rz]

Smashed Hauntings [CYBERPUNK 2077]

SO IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME LMAO

"Enjoy" my V (affectionately known as Beta) realizing 'oh fuck I might have to encounter Adam Smasher at one point in the future'

--------

"Nice work today, see you soon." T-Bug's voice may as well had been muted. Beta's hands were trembling as she sat in the chair, staring ahead towards Judy and Evelyn. Her hands were shaking, something they didn't do anymore. But- Fuck. She knew this job was sketchy enough but..

"Keeps you out of harm's way, huh?" the words weren't even being processed in her brain. Closing her eyes tightly for a second before opening them, she looked up to the standing woman.

"Speakin' of harm's way. Know what I see lookin' at you?" Judy stood now with one hand on her hip as Beta leaned forward, shoulders tense as she folded the portable BD and shoved it into a makeshift inside pocket "Walking,talking corpses."

Chipper. She was only glad they were in a club that had enough alcohol to put her mind under. "Thanks. Got what I needed." Beta only grunted out as she shoved herself up. "If Arasaka finds out you have it, you're dead. I'm dead." her voice was more tense now and Beta turned to look at her. Last thing she needed was this lady getting into her face about the dangers-

"Judy.. relax. Nobody will ever know.." Evelyn's voice, quiet as it was, at once had Judy's attention. "Evelyn, please.. no shortcuts. You go that route.."

Their voices were blurring in her mind. Beta was registering the words sure but.. she had other things.. Assuming her time was done enough and keen on ending the evening burying her head into the pillow and screaming her frustrations.. She couldn't help but scowl as Evelyn told her to walk alongside her.

So she settled on hiding those damn trembling fingers in her pockets.. even after all these months she still missed the fancy uniforms she always wore back then.. Fuck 'em. Fuck the uniforms. Fuck-

"Well, what do you think?" Beta snapped back to reality. Gazing at Evelyn, the makeup, the clothes. Trying to focus on anything except the turmoil brewing inside her own mind. "..What now?" were the only words she could muster. Watching Evenlyn's face grow worried.. it registered seconds later she was using the wrong tone.

"Beta.. Do this job for me. And I mean me alone. No splitting the payout with anyone else. No middleman. No Dex." her tone.. she heard the not-quite pleading but the earnest asking was there.

"I do this, I'm going through hell to pay." Beta hissed. She was already booted from Arasaka. Hell, even before she lost her cushy job screwing people over she already had a big reason to flip her hands at them and scream 'screw you!' But directly fucking with them? Directly screwing with a Fixer?!

"..I know.. Whatever you decide, it stays between us and.. I can offer fifty percent. Eddies enough to do whatever you'd like. Dex isn't the only fixer in town but my offer's the only one you're going to get."

Money. The thing that screwed her in the first place. And will always keep screwing her over.

"I'll think about it." Beta spoke lowly, begrudgingly even. Fuck. Fuck! She couldn't just say no!

"If you need me, call. I'll send you my number." hearing her not-outright refusal, she heard the relief in her voice.

"Mn." was the only response Beta gave her. Waving her hand goodbye as she walked away. Shoving her hands into her pockets minutes later. Forget getting depressingly drunk at the bar, especially where Jackie could see her, she'd just get some beer and pass out.

A good plan. A fine enough plan. At least it was at first..

"You look like a cut of fuckable meat. Are you?"

That fucking voice.

Beta was already in the middle of her third bottle. Leaning against the wall by her bed and staring ahead. Her jacket and shoes somewhere by the door. One hand stroking through her hair. Her face was wet with the tears.

She gave up long ago to convince herself that he wasn't there. That she hadn't seen him up close. That she didn't feel the tell-tale thuds in the floor, the whirring of inner mechanics.. the voice.

Doubling over, her hand was a vice grip in her deep crimson hair. Gritting her teeth until it hurt and hiccupping.

Sure, in the Arasaka tower there was an intense risk of running into that piece of shit bolts-for-balls toaster. But that was different. This wasn't the chance run-in where he wouldn't be able to touch her again because she gave him no opportunity to do that.. but this..

This was her giving him that chance. If she gave Arasaka any reason to take notice of a disgraced employee...

It'd be like giving a dog a big juicy steak and trying to tell it no.

It'd be like.. offering her eddies.

"Fucking- Fuckin.. two-bit rust bucket!" Beta snarled, the hand that gripped the bottle trembled. Some innate sense within her warning her to just not break it.

So she did the opposite, releasing her hair and slamming her head against the wall. Chest heaving as she failed to compose herself.

Smasher was always going to haunt her wasn't he?

Taking another drink, Beta closed her eyes, releasing a held breath with a sob.

She needed to hate it. She had to hate what happened. She had to refuse the treacherous warmth of lust that made her crave more. That made her realize she wasn't even looking for excuses to take this job. Made her freeze at the shock of knowing that she'd take it anyways for that chance encounter.

Be it at the end of his guns or hands.. she'd always go back. It was only a question of when.. and what she was going to do to him.

[loovsoobs]

Library Confessions / 최수빈

꒰⚘݄꒱ “Was it a moment of weakness or courage? You couldn't tell”

genre: fluff setting: best friends!; soobin x gn. reader!; university au! word count: 704

Synopsis: You and Soobin are “studying” at the library. You’ve had a crush on him for as long as you can remember, and can’t help, but be distracted by his presence. Which Soobin notices as well. 

a/n. hi! This is my first fanfic that i’m publishing on tumblr. I haven’t written anything in a very long time, so take this as a warm up c: The text was not proof read, sorry lol. But I hope you enjoy <3

You look up from your book yet again to find Soobin laying on the table with his arms serving as his pillow. His eyes were just scanning the room, and his hands were playing with the strings of his hoodie. You wondered why he insisted on tagging along when he fully knew you needed to study, and wouldn't entertain him. He wasn't the type to always need a conversation, but to sit in the library for hours with you, without doing much had to be so boring. He did bring his own books, which did surprise you. Usually you study alone, since Soobin isn't the most studious type. He usually either refuses to come with you, or sits around procrastinating as much as he can, which was the case today. You had to admit though, the sight of him was adorable. Bored out of his mind, with his own homework spread out in front of him, but left lonely with disinterest. You chucked, which brought Soobin's attention to you. He pouted "What's so funny, y/n?"You just shook your head, still smiling. "Nothing". He shifted his position, now resting his cheek on his hand. You couldn't help but notice that he was closer to you than before. It made your stomach drop a little. You couldn't deny your crush on him any longer. You were infatuated with him. Even though you came here to study, you couldn't remember a single sentence of the book you were reading. All you remember was stealing occasional glances at Soobin. How his hair falls on his forehead, and how he scrunches his nose when it tickles him. How he puffs his cheeks when he's particularly bored in the moment. All those gestures, all his details are almost engraved into your brain. Now sitting across from each other, closer than before, you can't help but feel nervous. You've been best friends since high school, and yet every time you're in his proximity you can't help but feel nervous. "Are you making fun of me" He said, and it felt like the time resumed again. You didn't even realize the trans you were in made it seem like time stopped. "I would never do that" You said sarcastically. One thing about your friendship, is that bickering was guaranteed. Another thing was this indescribable tension you felt around him, and tried to play it cool by making fun of him. Maybe your love language was deflection. Who knows. "Oh yeah? Just like you'd never actually focus on what you said you'd be doing. This is the 5th time I caught you doing anything else, but reading this book you supposedly needed to read for tomorrow" He said in a sarcastic tone, and you could instantly feel your stomach drop and your cheeks heat up. So he noticed you looking at him. Why didn't he say anything earlier? Was it weird? A thousand thoughts raced through your head in that exact second. "What are you thinking so hard about?" Soobin said, after a moment of silence, as if to break the tension. And for a brief moment you considered telling him the truth about how you felt. You looked around, and although your university's library wasn't the most romantic place to confess your long held crush, you couldn't help, but notice it's charm and how much time you've spent starting at Soobin instead of your homework here. It happened every time he joined you. "y/n?" He looked at you from a lower angle, pouting. "hm?" you hummed,  pretending as if you didn’t hear what he just said. "what are you thinking about?” His tone was now intrigued. He was starting directly at you, and was even closer than before, leaning in over the wooden table. When did he move? Your heartbeat sped up and you didn’t even notice your tongue blurring out the answer to his question. "You" You said. Was it a moment of weakness or courage? You couldn't tell. You could feel your cheeks getting redder. You stared back at Soobin. His eyes now wider. That was it, the cat was out of the bag. The milk was spilled, and there was no going back. "I like you" you finally admitted.