#(being called ‘he’ in like. a butch way? yeah! cool! sick! hell even being called ‘he’ in a misgendering way would have some affirmation to

[shame-kink]

theyfabs and transþems

[astringofmadhousefloozies]

Horse Friends

Yuu runs into Epel and gets an offer worth taking. Contains coarse language, discussions of masculinity/femininity and a fierce case of foot-in-mouth disease. Check my Twisted Wonderland Fanfiction tag for more, let me know if you enjoyed it, and if you ever want to let me know what you liked? Please do.

~*~*~*~

You like most creatures. Anything that deserves a pet should get one if they want it. So, you'd thought to yourself, let's go pet something you don't get to see every day. That's how you found yourself kicking around the edge of the horse pasture, watching majestic beasts eat and fart and amiably ignore your existence.

"You like them?"

You turned, and saw Epel had come up beside you.

"They're pretty cool. Not something I'm around much."

He nodded. "Wanna see a really big one?"

~*~*~*~

Did the barn smell bad or just like a barn? You couldn't tell, you didn't get to spend time in them and had no frame of reference. Where did they put the waste? You were thinking of asking where they buried the dead ones so you could go hunting with a shovel later when Epel came through the door, with the most fuckoff huge animal you've ever seen in your life. It was so tall you wondered if you could stand under it; a soft dapple grey, with long feathered fetlocks and a mane that reached past it's knees. It had to duck to get through the doorway, and stood, blinking, when Epel stopped, nevermind that this thing could probably swallow him whole if it had half a mind to.

"Are you sure it's not a kelpie?"

He laughed. "Ain't drowned anyone! 's nothing but a big guy. He's friendly! He's the one we use to teach riding."

You tentatively walked over and offered a hand. You did like horses - you really did! But they were very big, this one especially, and were deeply antsy despite being able to trample things easily. The last think you wanted was it to smell your nervousness and freak out.

It simply bypassed your hand, and instead nosed at your face with it's snout.

"He likes you!"

"I like him too." You prrbted his nose while he sniffed at you. "He got a name?"

"Beans."

"No!"

"Yes! Really."

"I can't believe Vil would let that slide."

"Yeah well, Beans was here first." Epel looked back and forth between you. "You want to try riding him? He's very gentle."

"Not today. But I'll take you up on that."

~*~*~*~

"Pull back to stop!"

You pulled back on the reins, and Beans stopped, and then started to back up.

"Nope, too much!"

You eased your grip and he stopped, flicking his ear an an errant fly.

This was the third time Epel had you up on the horse, and the first time he actually let you have the reins instead of simply leading you around. You weren't in a state of panic whenever the beast under you did something unexpected (though you jumped every time he or another horse whinnied; the sound drilled through your ears into the back if your skull in the worst way). The whole thing was pretty fun! Even if your legs got sore from straddling something as big around as you were tall.

Epel moved easily around on his own horse, a delicate-looking white stallion with murder in his heart, clearly a perfect pair. In the little bit of hanging out you'd done, you'd learned a few things about him:

- He hated being called cute. He was, which made it worse, but being treated as something precious drove him nuts.

- He was, by natural inclination, a rough and tumble farm boy. You knew more about motorbi- no, magical wheels than you ever had in your life, and now knew some truly vile curses that sounded wonderful coming out of his mouth.

- He really liked hanging out with someone he didn't have to pretend elegance around; which you had a feeling was part of why he started giving you private lessons. You were many things, but paragon of grace and propriety you were not.

Remembering what he told you, you lightly flicked the reins, and Beans started forward at a sedate pace. 

"There you go!" Epel beamed at you, and you reflected your own smile back at him.

~*~*~*~

Today, he seemed sour, and you could not understand why, so instead of gong in to greet the horses, you stopped and asked what crawled up his ass and died.

"Nothin' you'd know 'bout."

"Try me."

He stood there glowering, until he finally said, "Am I girlier than you?"

You had to stop and really consider that. "Who started on that one?"

"Some asshole. They said you're manlier than I'll ever be."

You snorted. "That's like, a matter of opinion. I'm kinda butch, sure, but what it is is that femininity is... it requires effort." You moved your hands, in an effort to grasp the words. "It takes effort to put on makeup, or shave your legs. Stuff like that is required to be seen as feminine if you're a girl. Neither of which you do? You're not feminine, really. You're young and pretty. And pretty was never exclusive to girls."

This did not seem to help, so you continued digging. "And you're real pretty, Epel. Combine that with being real young, it makes you cute to others, but like... give it a few years. Yeah. You get a little older and lose the young babyface. You'll still be pretty, but you won't be read as cute, not the way everyone reads you now."

All of his sullen fury was now clearly at you.

"I'm sorry dude. I don't know how to use my words right. But I sure as hell ain't more of a dude than you. Because you actually are one."

He still stood there, and you thought of something to lighten the mood. "Did you kick his ass?"

He finally cracked a smile. "Thoroughly."

"Good. You want to do this today, or do you wanna just vent at me over people being assholes?"

He thought for a moment. "The second one, but don't say anything 'til I say so. You suck at making me feel better."

You nod and give an okay sign, which got a snicker out of him.

~*~*~*~

"And he says I shouldn't lift weights! 'oooh Epel, it'll ruin the lines', Vil can fuck right off and choke on mangey pig cock, he hasn't missed a day of lifting for eight years unless he was too sick to get out of bed." 

You nodded, petting Lucius. He'd seen the both of you out on the grass and wandered over to play with people who were friendly, but not desperate.

"He's all Pomefiore ideals this and that and AUUUGH. I wanna stick a fork up his ass and beat down the doors of Savannahclaw until they let me change dorms."

You raised a finger, and he nodded. "But they don't do dorm changes."

"They do not and I hate it so fucking much." He flopped onto the grass, and you offered a hand that he high-fived. "It sucks. They wouldn't even move me when I went to beat Vil's ass when I first got sorted."

"You what."

"I did! Only got a swing in before he beat me down, but I tried." 

"Please say there's a recording of this."

"He cursed every electronic in a hundred-foot radius just to make sure no one had footage."

"Boo."

He nodded. "That could have made all the money."

You nodded, until Lucius caught your eye and you swatted at Epel to get him to watch. Lucius, crawling through the grass, crept, sprung... and walked back over with a headless lizard, the missing piece long down his gullet.

"Finish it up, Lucius."

Lucius, his play done, walked away, leaving you both with the corpse.

"Gross. Should we bury it?"

"Maybe." The gears are turning, and you instead fetch back a grumbling Lucius. "Epel. What is this?"

He raised an eyebrow. "A fat old cat?"

You held up the irritated cat with a smile. "This is, pound for pound, the most efficient land predator on the planet. I know of cats that have single handedly eradicated entire species. Cats are eight pounds of asskicking. They will fu-OW" You dropped Lucius and checked the welling scratches on your arm. "Cats will fuck you up. But cats are also fluffy and cute and like to be cuddled. They're elegant and lovely, silly and playful. The murder and the cute is inherent to the cat."

He frowned. "Where are you going with this."

"I'm saying you're basically a cat."

He was silent for a beat. "Thanks, I hate it."

"How much?"

"Enh." He wiggled his hand. "I get what you're trying to say, at least. As long as you don't run around calling me that I’m good."

"A cat?"

"No, other C word."

Your brain drew the only conclusion you could think of. "A cunt?"

He let out the ugliest laugh you'd ever heard, and things were good.

[parts-of-spop]

Street racer AU in which Catra is rivals with Adora when they were once partners and then she messes up bad... real bad Part 1/?

“Hey, Wildcat?”

She fights the instinctive urge to hiss at the nickname.

Let it slide. She’s your friend. Don’t be a dick. Be better.

“Yeah, Scorp?��� She replies, tugging on her leather, fingerless driving gloves and flexing her hands. It’s comfortable, the sensation as familiar as wearing a second skin.

“Er… Adora’s here.”

That gets her attention but she tries not to let it show; tail lashing only once before she tells it to still and she feigns a casual air.

“And?” She drawls lazily and Scorpia clears her throat.

“She er… well gosh er… not to like… be rude here but erm… she looks downright awful.”

What?

Slowly, retaining her mask of indifference, she turns her head to her friend then follows her worried face towards where the princess herself is stood between tweedled dumb and tweedled dumber.

Holy fuck she looks like shit.

And she cut her hair?

It’s short now. Butch. A messy pixie cut around her ears. It kind of suits her.

What does not suit her is the dark circles around her eyes and the pink risen scar marring her left eyebrow down to her cheekbone.

She looks almost like a different person.

Catra feels herself squirm as she squints harder at the wound.

It appears Arrow and Glitter are somewhat chewing her out; lots of hand waving and Adora is fidgeting with the cuffs of her gloves, tired eyes flickering from one person to the other.

Then she mumbles something, shrugs dismissively and walks away without a backwards glance.

Glitter’s ensuing stomping and flailing in frustrated rage would be funny if Catra could take the time to appreciate it but it’s a bit hard to tear her eyes from Adora’s slumped form.

Thus, she isn’t looking when the sparkly ball of indignation comes stomping across the tarmac towards her, Arrow boy trailing after her helplessly.

“Hey, you!”

Her ear flickers towards the shout and she finally tears her eyes from her ex-best friend to raise a brow at the fuming girl in front of her.

She looks downright murderous.

Or about as murderous as someone who is 5’2 can look.

Her hands are clenched in trembling fists and Arrow boy looks like he desperately wants to grab her and pull her away but is far too scared to.

“What’s got your panties in a twist, Sparkles?” Catra asks dryly and if possible, the girl gets redder.

“Look… I don’t know what your problem is with Adora… but if you ever land her in hospital again then I’m going to personally throttle you to death.”

… Wait… What?

“What the hell are you talking about?” Catra questions, confused and Sparkles huffs back at her.

“How stupid do you think we are? You don’t really think we didn’t know you’d been tailing Adora for weeks? Did you think you were really that slick and clever? I’d bet you knew her schedule better than even we did,” She spits venomously.

Catra’s tail flicks behind her.

“Gotta know the enemy, don’t you?” She says smoothly and Sparkles abruptly loses the heat of her anger and her hands go slack at her sides.

She exhales slowly.

Instead, her face twists into pure and total disgusted hatred.

“Y’know… Adora kept saying to us that you were her best friend… but that can’t be right. She has to have been mistaken,” She says coolly and Catra almost flinches, stomach twisting.

“Glimmer…” Arrow boy whispers pleadingly.

But she’s not stopping and she’s pinning Catra with a look so icy that it freezes her in place.

“Because you told Prime what Adora was doing every second of the day and because of you he knew exactly when she’d be alone and defenceless…” … Oh no. “He knew exactly where to send his goons…” No. “And let me tell you, Catra… hearing one of my best friends being beaten and stabbed to death over a phone line isn’t very fun.”

Catra’s never felt this sick in her entire life.

And she can do nothing as Glimmer steps close to her, eyes seething with pure loathing and she presses a finger into the centre of Catra’s chest.

“You almost got her killed… If not for that phone call… Adora would be dead because of you,” She spits venomously. She jabs the finger into Catra hard and she stumbles back a pace. “So stay the fuck away from her, Catra. We know what you did. Adora knows what you did… So stay behind the wheel and out our way because if you dare hurt Adora again, it’ll be the last mistake you’ll ever make…”

Then she steps backwards and narrows her eyes in a glare.

“… So… you’ve finally got nothing to say now? No snarky remark... Aren’t you happy?” She says grimly and Catra is mute, ears pinned flat against her head and heart thundering in her chest. “You finally did it, Catra… You’ve actually fucked up Adora… and she knows it…” Her face twists into a cold sneer. “I really really hope you’re proud of yourself…” She adds in a spite-filled hiss before turning and walking away, gently brushing past Bow and he stands, fumbling for a moment like he wants to apologise or say something.

But then he looks at Catra and his eyes turn steely, his brow knitting in a hard line.

He closes his mouth.

His jaw clenches.

And he leaves without a word.

The silence that follows is deafening.

Catra can’t hear it through the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears.

Fuck…

Adora nearly-…

Adora almost-…

Holy fuck… What’ve I done?

“Wildcat?” Scorpia murmurs tentatively.

It snaps her back to reality and in moments, she’s scrambling to the nearest bush and heaving into it, throwing up breakfast and bile through tears that aren’t all from the vomiting.

I nearly got Adora killed.

Another heave.

Adora could’ve died… scared and bleeding on the phone to her friend.

Fuck.

“Easy there. I gotcha,” Scorpia says soothingly, her claw against her back, rubbing in circles.

It takes a long time for the retching to stop and Catra suspects it’s more due to there being nothing left to throw up.

She spits out the lingering vile taste and quietly accepts the tissue Scorpia is offering her so she can at least make an attempt to clean herself up.

Her tears have painted her fur flat against her cheeks but she’s so miserable and sickened with herself that she doesn’t care like she usually would.

This is the single greatest fuck up of her entire fuck up of a life.

She tosses the tissue to the floor and Scorpia doesn’t comment on her littering like she ordinarily might.

Then she buries her face in her hands and the comforting smell of leather pulls her back to the ground steadily. Breathe deep. Nice and steady like Perfuma taught you.

Several minutes later, she lifts her head and exhales shakily.

“You okay, Wildcat?” Scorpia asks gently and she wants to cry again.

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean for Adora to… to get hurt. I wouldn’t…” She trails off helplessly, closing her eyes with an unsteady sigh. “Never mind… Let’s just go race.”

“We could leave? Are you up to it?” Scorpia suggests and Catra huffs.

“No but we can’t leave. Weaver would have our asses if we did… Let’s get it over with.”

That’s easier said than done.

Because safe to say, Catra is well off her game.

And it starts before the race even begins…

Because by sheer god awful luck, her suped-up Camaro is directed to slide in beside Adora’s familiar white and gold Mustang and that allows Catra to get really up close and assess the damage.

Which really doesn’t help the guilt and shame she’s feeling because she looks even worse up close.

She looks like a corpse.

And their windows are wound down so they can have any last minute check-ins with their teammates and Catra’s ears are sharp enough that she can hear Adora’s breaths come uneven.

She’s in pain.

The clammy sweat on her face confirms it.

“Not so pretty these days, am I?”

Catra jumps at the sudden words and realises Adora is talking to her, her voice flat and empty.

She’s never sounded so blank.

She doesn’t turn her head from the road ahead, hands flexing around her steering wheel.

“I…” Catra chokes uselessly and then eyes that should be a warm blue flicker sideways to glance at her.

There’s nothing in that look… just cool lifelessness.

“... You’ve finally won, Catra. That’s all there is to it,” Adora states, in that same unfamiliar tone.

Then her hand lowers to her door and the window slides up between them.

Catra gapes helplessly at the side of her face but Adora ignores her, staring ahead and setting her jaw.

Catra slumps back into her own seat, eyes stinging with tears.

… This doesn’t feel like winning. This feels like losing the biggest game of all time.

[mercutiotakethewheel]

Halp! I read Crooked Kingdom and Spinning Silver in the same week. Is there any point in reading any other book ever again?!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!!! (Genuinely open to recommendations.) I am bereft at having finished them, and wondering how soon is too soon to reread Spinning Silver...

lmao god that’s a mood. I mean those are very much my two of my favorites, but of course I have recommendations.

Spinning Silver has a “mirror” novel called Uprooted that explores Naomi Novik’s polish roots and fairytale; it’s a twist on the classic girl gets sacrificed to be locked in a tower by a “dragon” but with wizards and a sick wood.

As for the grishaverse, I don’t know if you’ve already read the grisha trilogy or the Nikolai duology, but I certainly recommend King of Scars at the very least. Nina’s in it and Nikolai and Zoya are two of the best grisha trilogy characters (along with Genya, Tolya, and Tamar who are all also here). I haven’t about to read Rule of Wolves but I haven’t yet. Now the grisha trilogy is disappointing in general, but especially in comparison to Crooked Kingdom, Bardugo’s best novel, in my opinion. However, it’s also not quite as bad as everyone says. The worldbuilding established here is pretty cool, the politics in seige and storm are really fun, and there are really cool characters in it, even if the main protagonist… well. Alina’s not actually a boring or awful of a protagonist, or at least she has the opportunity not to be. She’s incredibly selfish to the point of moral ambiguity, and she’s terribly funny and combative. However, and this is my main issue with these books, she is very much punished by the narrative anytime she seeks agency or power or really does anything interesting, which leaves us with our magical girl chosen one just sort of passively shoved around the board.

Bardugo also wrote Ninth house, which I highly recommend. It’s an adult novel, so the violence -and there is a lot of it- tends to be described and gory and there’s a lot of talk about drug abuse so keep that in mind (plus the main character being abused and her best friend being killed/raped/drugged) so keep that in mind. The main protagonist is really interesting, and features Bardugo’s usual moral greyness. She’s angry, she can see ghosts, she’s traumatised, she has a terrible secret, and she does all of her fighting for abused women. The book has a lot of commentary on classism and elitism, as one should expect from a book about an impoverished women attending an ivy league with dangerous, poorly run, magical societies in it. The worldbuilding is a treat, but expect a lot of ghosts and a lot of rituals.

If you’re looking for more fantasy novels with fairytale vibes/retellings and strong female characters, that’s one of my favorite genres, so I have a few. I’m terribly fond of A Creature of Moonlight, which features a moving wood, a dragon’s daughter, royal court politics, and an uberindependent protagonist. The Cruel Prince is the only faerie book that counts along with the rest of Holly Black’s works, and if you’re looking for more enemies to lovers, you are in luck. The main reasons to read this book, though, is the political intrigue and the murder happy main character. The Once and Future Witches is a take on the suffragette period and witch fairytales. It’s not necessarily my favourite nor do I think it has the makings to be anyone’s favorite, really, but I do recommend it if only for the fairytale retellings and historical elements. Howl’s Moving Castle is an absolute delight, with lots of fun, bickering, main characters, and a very fairytale take on the magic system. I need to read Deathless so bad, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I hear only great things about the retelling of the Russian fairytale, though, so I’ll go ahead and recommend it.

Revenge stories are also a favourite of mine, so if you want more of those, my main recommendations are The Count of Monte Cristo and Vicious. The Count of Monte Cristo features our antihero being wrongfully imprisoned due to the machinations of three people. After escaping and getting rich beyond his wildest imagination, Edmound seeks to utterly ruin all three of them, destroying a lot of innocent lives in the process, rethinking the ethics of his revenge plan a lot, and a lot of claiming he’s sold his soul to become Providence. The main drawback is that the novel deals handedly in Orientalism( though I have a lot to say about why discussion of Orientalism is important to understanding Edmound’s character and why he is percieved the way he is by the other characters) and that it features an enslaved woman falling in love with her captor, who is also our protagonist. So yeah, grain of salt. It was written in 1844. Vicious tells us the backstory and the mainstory side by side throughout the novel, featuring two ex-best friends who experimented with killing themselves in order to gain superhero powers. When one of them lands the other one in prison and devotes his time to killing other ExtraOrdinaries, what our superheroes/more-like-supervillains-usually are called, because he likes to play god, our protagonist, the imprisoned friend, escapes for a revenge quest. Along the way he forms an incredibly clunky, adorable found family. I love this novel so much.

If you’re looking for more historical fantasy, I have some recommendations here as well. Diviners is an occult murder mystery set in the 1920s, that really really spends time putting you in the 1920s. It features a fun ensemble cast that grows with each installation, though the main main character of the first book does take a while to grow on you and there’s a boring ass love triangle. Read it for the 1920s and the ensemble cast that really takes off in the second book. The Poppy War is based on the Second Sino-Japanese War with a very enthralling magic system, and a main character who takes moral greyness to whole new heights. It has a laundry list of trigger warnings you need to read before you pick up the book, but the two most important things to understand before getting into it is that there’s a section based on the Rape of Nanjing, which does not pull its punches and the first book ends with our protagonist committing magical genocide on an entire country. In general, this book absolutely refuses to pull its punches and that’s my number one reason for recommending it. London Calling is an exploration of fatherhood with themes on family and catholicism that features time traveling to the London blitz. It’s barely fantasy, and it’s again not a favorite nor will it become yours, but it’s very moving.

Also, this is more of a general recommendation, but I highly recommend Gideon the Ninth. “Necromancer Lesbians explore a haunted gothic castle in space.” What more do you need to hear? Our main character is a snarky butch swordswoman in the first book and the second book is her goth depressed over-achiever enemy turned sort of girlfriend turned mind pal. The fun villain behavior is off the chart, the worldbuilding is immaculate (there’s an in-universe essay in the back that finishes with someone’s snarky graffiti), and it’s funny as hell. The book is about necromancers so the gory descriptions of dead bodies is very much not for the faint of heart. Keep that in mind.

[thewritingstar]

Sorry for asking so much but if u dont mind i like to think that blossom sees boomer like his little bro so lile one day boomer having panic attack and blossom helping him. God i love my bby boy suffering

Oh don’t apologize! I love it! Ask as much as you want love. Fun fact, I used to have panic disorder from the age of 6- 17 so I know all about panic attacks. That wasn’t a very fun fact but uhhh, hope you enjoy!

Everything in this fic is from my own experience and I also took psychology as well. 

So I’m going to write this with my version of my own attacks so what you see boomer having is equivalent to mine. From my own experience just so that no one comes for me, I can’t speak for about ten minutes and its had to move so im either sitting or under neath something like a desk. Once I can talk, I stutter and can barely form full sentences. Its important to know that panic attack and anxiety attacks are much different as the first doesn’t have triggers but the second does. Also the first thought you have when you going into a panic attack is thinking you are about to die, scary but its true. 

Now that is out of the way, I hope you enjoy this fic and sorry that it took so long to do!

Pairing: Blossom and Boomer (non shipping) 

Fandom: Powerpuff Girls 

——

She never really knew how or why she heard it. Super hearing gave you many things but hearing the worlds smallest sob escape trembling lips was never something she usually picked up on. 

It buzzed in her ear and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up with a slight chill. Soon her feet were taking her upstairs and it was the first time she had ignored the hall pass rule. 

Being a hero meant she had to be ready for anything. Monster attacks, demons rising from the pits of hell and even gangs shooting up stores, it was all part of the deal, yet there were some problems that not even super powers could handle. 

She opened the door to the roof slowly before stepping out and feeling the crisp and cool air of the morning. It would have been peaceful if someone wasn’t crying. Her foot steps were that of a ghost as she walked towards the other end and she dropped to her knees before placing a hand on a trembling shoulder. 

“Boomer?” she asked quietly. 

The blond boy looked up, his eyes had been blown wide and were rubbed red to the point that they might scar. His lips trembled as he said nothing stared at her with an empty look. 

She felt frightened in that moment, not for her well being but his. She watched as his lips parted but nothing came out. He tried to speak but his voice was like a desert. Dry and bare. 

His eyes searched for an answer, something to cling and grab onto so he could swim.

“Boomer, are you okay?” She asked knowing the answer already. Again, no words but blue eyes that begged for help. 

His breathing picked up, hyperventilation coming into play and he brought his hands to his ears and slammed his foot down as if to drown out the silence. Blossom searched for any sign of what could have hurt him, she had to think. There was nothing, no monster or attack and he didn’t seem physically hurt, so what could- 

Oh. Oh. OH. 

She should have known what was happening the minute it she saw him. Her advanced psychology classes came into handy just now. 

“Boomer.” She said softly and he opened his eyes. “I think you are having a panic attack.” His eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip. “Okay maybe you are aware of that but I’m going to help you through this, okay?” 

Boomer said nothing and she didn’t expect him too. She made a mental note that he was going non verbal during these and maybe that's why he couldn’t call for help. 

Blossom dug through her bag for her notes and found it in record time. “Okay lets see, panic attacks.” She began to read. “The first thing that happens during an attack is the thought of death. Oh.” She frown. “There is a constant state of panic that last five to ten minutes but the after math of the fear could last hours. In order to stop a panic attack, the person experiencing it must wait it out or an extreme reaction can help quicken the process, other than that, there's nothing to do.” She scoffed. “Gee that was helpful.” 

All she needed was a distraction, she could do that. She could tell a joke? No, she wasn’t good at those and only got a humorous reaction from her clumsiness. Instead of trying to figure it out, her phone was her next best guess. 

“Don’t worry Boomer, I got you.” She smiled. She went to a few different sources and found one. “Ice in the mouth. It should trick your brain into thinking about it instead.” Blossom looked around. “Where can I get ice?”

She suddenly felt a finger poke at her cheek. She looked at Boomer who was point at his mouth then to her. Oh! 

“My ice breath!” She cheered and held out her hand and carefully blowed until a small cube formed in her hand. “I’m not sure Boomer that might be a little gross-” 

The cube was taken and before she could protest, it was in his mouth. 

“Okay then, how's that working?” She questioned with a soft expression. 

He looked from the left then to the right as he shifted the ice in his mouth. Slowly he opened his mouth, his voice breaking as he spoke. 

“I-” He tried to say as tears formed in his eyes again. 

Blossom put her hand on his and ushered him not to speak. 

“Its okay, you don't have to say anything. You got through it, I’m sorry I was only here at the end but you did it, Boomer.” She said proudly. 

He wiped his tears with his sleeve that was already soaked from earlier and leaned to grab her shoulder and pull her into a hug. She felt the tension from his shoulders fall instantly and his heart rate slower to a more desired rate as he hugged her tighter and held her for a moment. She didn’t dare budge but gave him a squeeze and ruffled his hair as he pulled away. 

“Your face is awfully red, maybe you should go home.” She said as she helped him stand. 

He nodded and grabbed his bag. “T-thank you.” He croaked. “No one has ever been with me before.” He said sadly. 

She frowned. “Does Brick know?” 

Boomer shifted on the balls of his feet. “No.” 

“Do...do you have these often?” She was almost afraid to ask. 

“Once a month maybe. Most of the time I’m at home, haven’t have a public one in a while.” 

“Was there anything that could have caused it?” 

He bit his lip and shrugged. “No. You read those books, they are random but Brick and Butch fighting constantly and the stress of school doesn’t help. But it's okay.” He offered her a smile. “That ice trick worked really well. Without you, I probably would have been there until school got out. I’m just really happy it was you and not anyone else.” He said honestly. 

“I think you should tell your brothers. You can barely speak in that state and I would hate for something to happen when you couldn’t call out for anyone.” 

He tightened his hold on his backpack and gulped. “I don’t want to. Its embarrassing. I’d rather keep it to myself, I can handle it.” 

She knew there was no way he would budge. She exhaled and pulled his phone  from his pocket. 

“hey what are-”

“Im installing a safety button. My sisters and I have a button that we can push that automatic lets us know when we are in danger and can’t speak. It's mostly for missions and things like that but this is just as important.” She handed him his phone back. “So when ever this happens and you feel like you need some help or someone to just sit there with you, I’m one click away.” 

He stared at the button and placed his thumb over it. A beeping noise came from Blossoms phone and she pulled it out to silence it. “See like that.” 

A wave of emotions came over Boomer as he began to tear up for the hundredth time. “Blossom, I don’t think you know how much this means to me.” 

Blossom brought him in for another hug. “You won’t be alone any longer, I promise.” 

She felt him nod against her shoulder and wiped the tear steaming down his cheek with her thumb. “Lets go get you check out to the office and sent home, you should rest.” 

“Yeah. I’m a little dizzy.” 

She wrapped her arm around his and the began to walk towards the office just as the bell rang. 

“Damn it, I miss third period.” Boomer sighed. 

“Its fine. Buttercup will give you the homework and I’ll get anything else you need.” 

“You really don’t have to Bloss.” 

“As a hero and more importantly, a friend, I will.” Blossom said.

“Boomer.” They heard a voice behind and she knew instantly it was Brick. 

They stopped walking just as Brick came in front of them. “The hell are you doing?” Brick asked as he looked at their conjoined arms. 

Boomer was about to say something but Blossom squeezed his arm. 

“Hes not feeling well and I’m sending him home.” Blossom stated. 

“You were fine this morning.” Brick narrowed his eyes. “Buttercup said you ditched class.” 

“He didn’t ditch. Some of us have emotions and right now Boomer is not feeling too well, he can explain on his own time but as his now older sister, I am making him go home and rest.”

“What she said.” Boomer said just as he yawned. 

Brick rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Fine, go home.” 

Boomer gave him a small smile. 

“Go on ahead, I’ll meet you in the office.” Blossom said as Boomer walked ahead. 

“Is he really sick?” Brick asked and she could sense that he was really worried.

“I wouldn’t say that but its also not my place. Just go easy on him, he's having a hard time right now and I think having his brother help him through it would be good for both of you.” She reassured him. 

“Alright, whatever. I’ll make sure Boomer is fine.” 

Blossom smiled and kissed him quickly on the cheek. “You're so sweet.” She gushed dramatically. 

Bricks face flushed slightly as he took her hand and tried to hide his smirk. “Yeah. Yeah. Let’s not be late to chemistry.” 

“Would love too but I have to go use my puff powers to get my new little brother home.” 

“Little brother?” Brick shook his head. “What are you adopting him next?” 

“I just might.” She smiled. “I’ll see ya in class.” She winked as she headed towards the office. 

She found Boomer sitting in one of the chairs. “If you could stop canoodling with my brother, I would like to leave, I got a massive headache and my face is a disaster from crying.”

“We weren’t canoodling.” She said under her breath as she went up to the office lady. 

Boomer sat and watched as she talked. He felt better by a landslide since she came to help him and hearing her refer to him as a little brother made him a little more happy then he cared to admit. Watching Blossom talk and win over the woman made him smile as he hugged his arms together. 

“Yeah, big sis would be nice.” He said to himself but he didn't miss the way her lips turned up into a small smile. 

----

I hope you enjoyed! I actually really liked this prompt and sometimes its good to read things that can help you in daily life. 

[igottoomuchwriting]

Sincerely, Me (Chapter 3)

Series: Part 1/Previous Chapter/Next Chapter

Homecoming was just next week, and Connor was not ready. If he could skip a whole week of school with no consequences, this would be the week he does it. Every year since freshman year, he didn’t dress up and without fail, there would be at least one kid from student council who would bash on him for not dressing up with everyone else.

Right now it was lunch time, and Connor and Evan were sitting and watching a girl talking to her boyfriend. Connor could tell that she was a freshman, and he knew the boy as one of the most popular kids in their class. She was showing him texts on her phone and was obviously upset, and the boy just kept looking away and faking care.

Figures.

“I don’t think I will ever understand the hype for homecoming,” Connor mumbled. “Why is everyone excited to sit and watch a game where we will have our asses handed to us, a dance performance where you can’t even hear the music, and go to a dance where at least one fight happens and three couples break up?”

“The drama?” he heard Evan guess. Connor shrugged his shoulders. Evan’s guess was as good as his.

He turned around so he could face Evan all the way, already bored with watching the couple. He saw that Evan had ate a little bit of what the school has given him and he mentally sighed. Sometimes Evan just wouldn’t eat and it always concerned Connor, even if he didn’t eat either. Evan had people who cared if he was suddenly sick and in pain because he didn’t eat lunch.

Besides, he always ate when he was high. That was enough for him.

“Next week is going to be hell,” Connor realized and groaned. Evan shot him a confused look.

“Why?”

“Everyone is going to be dressing up, and I won’t be, and I don’t want to hear the passive aggressive comments about how I don’t have any fucking school spirit.” He folded his arms and laid his head down. “I don’t need to fucking deal with that shit all week.” 

“Well, you won’t be the only one not dressed up,” he heard Evan hum. “I won’t be dressed up either.” 

Connor lifted his head up in consideration. That would be better. He won’t be signaled out if someone notices that he is one of the only kids in his class not dressed up, and if Evan doesn’t dress up, then no one will question why these two friends have obviously very different school spirit. 

“True.” He shot Evan a tired smile, genuinely happy about that turn of events. Evan quickly looked back down at his food, and Connor noticed his face was red.

Was he... blushing?

Connor’s smile dropped off his face. Does Evan know that Connor likes him? Why would he blush if Connor shot him a smile? Maybe he knows that Connor smiles at no one but Evan, and even though Evan is quiet, that doesn’t mean he is an idiot. It’s not hard to put together that the person that the school freak smiles at is who they have a crush on.

“Evan?” Connor warily asked. His head snapped back up at him. “Are you okay? Your face is really fucking red.”

“Um, yeah, um—” He started looking at everything but Connor. Bad sign. “Just--hot. Yeah, I’m hot. That’s it.”

Connor didn’t believe that for a second. The school was always cold, and with it being bad out today, they haven't even turned their heater that they use for the winter on yet. Evan is actually wearing a jacket today as well, so how could he be hot?

Before he could call him out, the bell signaling the end of lunch rang.

“Oh look, I have to go to class. Sorry, bye.” He quickly threw his lunch tray in the trash bin and rushed out of the cafeteria doors.

Connor watched him go. Evan’s answer didn’t help calm him down, so now here he was worried that his only friend has found out that he has a crush on him. If Evan found out, he wouldn’t tell Connor because he wouldn’t want to hurt him and that’s what Connor hates the most. Even if Connor asked him face to face, Evan would stutter and stall, and then most likely lie so that the situation wouldn’t escalate.

Anxious and upset, Connor stormed out of the cafeteria to his next class.

This was something that he’d have to piece together himself.

---

Connor has had a lot of weird things happen to him. He’s woken up from many weird weed dreams, has had both men and women flirt with him, he was even once called a butch lesbian by some random lesbian in the street. Though none of those things, or anything else weird happened during school.

Apparently today was the day that would change.

“Hey Connor!” he heard Jared call. Connor looked up from his locker to see Jared walking down the hallway, acting like he was cool shit.

“What the fuck do you want, Kleinman?” he snapped. Today was not the day that he wanted to put up with his shit.

“Don’t get all snippy,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “I just need to ask you a question.”

“Well make it quick.” 

“Are you gay for Evan?” Connor snapped his head to look at the boy.

“What the fuck—”

“Yes or no, Connor.” Connor couldn’t believe it. This kid who his whole life has bullied and been nothing but a dick to him has the audacity to ask if he is gay for his friend? No, his family friend. The family friend that he never gave a shit about in the first place.

“That’s none of your goddamn business, Kleinman.” He slammed his locker shut and turned his whole body towards Jared. “So stay out of it.”

“Yeah, that’s a no,” Jared hummed. Connor was fuming.

“Excuse me?”

“Usually it wouldn’t be my business, but since it involves Evan, the man I’ve sworn to protect—”

“Which you do a shit job at.”

“—It has become my business.” He completely ignored Connor interrupted him.

“No matter what you think, I’m not telling you shit.” He shoved past Jared, hoping that he would get the very strong hint that the conversation was over.

Of course, Jared has always been a dumbass.

“Look dude, I just want him to be happy!” he called after Connor. 

Connor stopped in his tracks. He turned around to face Jared, who hasn’t moved, with nothing but anger on his face.

“Yeah, because that’s what someone who has done nothing but belittle and boss around their family friend wants.” Jared opened his mouth to say something, but Connor continued. 

“You know, Evan always says that you guys are friends, but you never say the same. You are always correcting him, saying that you are family friends, which is a ‘totally different thing’ as you like to put it. Evan never felt that anyway gave a shit about him—” At this point, Connor was chest to chest with Jared, glaring at him. Jared was watching him with fear and anxiety in his eyes. “—and now you think to ask me personal questions because you care about him? You’ve never cared about him before, so you better get your cocky fucking personality and shit face away from me before I beat you to the point that all the dumbfucks here think you’re a new student.”

“I’m sure Evan would love to hear that you did that.” Jared bravely retorted. Connor continued glaring at him, but said nothing. “He has started believing that you are nice and kind—why, I don’t know—but if he finds out that you beat his friend to a pulp, then he is both going to be afraid and hate you.”

“You don’t fucking know that.”

“Who has known Evan their whole life?” When Connor didn’t say anything, Jared smirked. “Exactly. So, I’ll ask again.”

Connor let him take a few steps back from him, glare never lessening. 

“Do you like Evan romantically?”

That’s a nicer way of putting it. Connor held eye contact with Jared as he went through all of the possibilities that could happen if he told Jared. He could tell Evan, he could tell the whole school, he could get people to beat Connor up, he could do nothing.

“Yeah,” he finally said. He wants to die, so if everyone starts attacking him for this, it will make his death easier. “Yeah, I am.”

“Great!” he cheered. Connor wanted to punch him in the face.

“What, you gonna go tell the whole school now?” he hissed.

“No, I’m going to help you.”

Connor scoffed. “Yeah, alright.” He shoved past Jared, hands in his pockets as he made his way to the library to meet up with Evan.

“Hey hey, wait!”

“You can fuck off, Kleinman.” Jared ran in front of Connor and stood in his way, holding his hands up to stop him. Connor glared at him. “Move.”

“No,” Jared said confidently, but Connor could see fear in his eyes. “I’m serious. I know we don’t get along—”

“Wow, it’s like calling me a school shooter really puts a dent in our relationship.”

“Okay, yes, that was shit of me to do,” he agreed. Connor raised an eyebrow, but said nothing else. “But I swear I want to help. I’ve never seen Evan as relaxed and happy in all the years I’ve known him. It’s like…” he trailed off, as if he was trying to find the best words. “It’s like you bring out the best for him.”

“Alright, I know for sure he is not the happiest with me,” Connor snapped. “No one is described as ‘happy’ when their around me.”

“But that’s the thing! He is! He has loosened up around you, is more comfortable with saying simple things like ‘no’, and he actually smiles a real smile!” Jared looked exasperated. Connor could guess it was a lot of work to try and convince Connor that he is good for Evan. “I mean, come on man, you’ve grown up with Evan as long as me. You can’t deny that there has been some sort of change.”

“We’re all almost adults,” Connor mumbled. “We all have to grow up at some point.”

Jared let out a groan. “You’re not getting it! Evan is a little bit happier and calmer around you!”

“Okay,” Connor finally relented. “But that doesn’t mean he likes me as a romantic partner.”

“I know for a fact that Evan is not completely straight. He liked Thor just a little too much for a guy who admires gods.”

“Weird comparison, but okay.” Connor looked around the hallway, thinking. Everyone had gone to their classes, and as far as he knew, Jared was supposed to be in class right now. No one was around to hear their conversation, to hear Connor confess his crush to a kid who has hated him for as long as Connor can think.

What the fuck is up with his life.

“Alright, Kleinman,” Connor finally relented. He took a step forward, looking down on Jared just to remind him that he was not afraid to hurt him if he decided to fuck with him. “Since you’re such a know-it-all and know what to do, tell me what your brilliant plan is.”

Jared smiled, and Connor couldn’t help but notice how it was genuine.

---

Jared was confident that his plan would work. He knew that Evan wasn’t straight, even if the boy didn’t know it himself, and as soon as he was able to get him to figure it out, he would be able to get him and Connor together.

The only thing he was worried about is if Evan stays evident that he is straight and cuts off Connor, Connor will come for him and then he will have two people who hate him, even if one won’t admit it.

Jared hangs on to every conversation the he and Evan had about male actors, male characters in games. How Evan would say that they were pretty when they were younger, how he would have his male character be with another male character because “I just want to see if the game will let me, Jared”. The signs were harder to notice the older they grew, but Jared was still able to pick out the looks that Evan gave to men, because he gives the same look to women he openly finds attractive.

To Acorn: hey man is it cool if i come over

From Acorn: Sure. I’m not doing anything

To Acorn: i had a feeling ;)

From Acorn: What does that mean?

To Acorn: ya know

Step one was in motion. Get Evan to listen to Jared and see that he is one hundred percent bisexual. If Jared could do this, then maybe it would be a step closer to fixing he and Evan’s relationship. 

As usual, when Jared arrived at Evan’s house, Evan opened the door almost right after Jared knocked on the door. He always worried about leaving house guests out on the doorstep for too long.

“Hey,” Evan welcomed.

“Hey Evan!” Jared patted Evan’s shoulder as he walked past him. 

“What are you doing here? Not saying that I don’t want you here or that it’s a burden that you’re here. Just curious.” Evan anxiously rambled on. Jared just learn to either tune it out or to interrupt him. He remembers them growing up and Evan talking forever because he was worried he had hurt someone’s feelings.

“I have a question for you,” Jared started off. A sly way to begin.

“Huh?”

“What do you think about Connor?” 

“What do you mean, what do I think?” There was not stutter when he asked. When confronted with questions on what Evan thought about people, he would stutter, question if they thought he hated them, assure that he doesn’t hate them. When confronted about Connor, he doesn’t stutter and looks Jared in the eye. He has a daring look, as if challenging Jared to say something about Connor.

This boy has changed so much.

“You like him romantically, right?” That snapped Evan out of it. His eyes widened and he seemed to take a step back, shocked by the question.

“Jared, what?”

“It’s okay if you do, Evan,” Jared tried soothing, though he has a feeling it came off mockingly. “I know you typically like girls, so even if Connor is the first boy you’ve had a crush on, that doesn’t mean you’re a fake!’

“I-I don’t have a crush on Connor!” Quick to deny. Evan was anxious, Jared could tell that much. This was a different type of anxiety though. This wasn’t his reaction when people confronted him with a lie, this was the reaction when people confront him with something he is struggling with.

Growing up with him, Jared had been able to learn the difference. When people confront him with a lie that somehow involved him, Evan would cross his arms, stammer, look away and deny it. Jared picked up on the difference when someone had told Evan that they were sure he and Jared were brothers.

When someone confronts him with something he is struggling with, he goes throw the same motions—stammering, crossed arms, etcetera. Though the difference between the two was that when it was something Evan was struggling with or knew was true, he wouldn’t look away from people, but he would take a step back. It was as if he was trying to convince them and himself, but the step back was him trying to leave the situation. Get out of speaking the truth.

They were slight, and Jared knew that almost nobody knows the difference between their friend’s anxiety. He had committed the actions to memory because he thought it would help him in the future.

So here Evan was, arms crossed, stammering over his words, but staring Jared right in the eye. 

“You don’t think of Murphy in any romantic way?” he pushed. “You don’t think about him holding your hand, picking you up for a date, anything?” 

Evan took a step back. Jackpot.

“No, never,” he spat out. “I mean, him and I are friends. Who thinks that about friends? Friends don’t think about going on dates with other friends, they don’t think about holding hands with friends, they don’t think their friends look cute, they don’t think about kissing them and loving them and wanting to eat dinner with their family or—”

“Evan!” Jared stopped him. Evan stopped talking and he looked more nervous than ever. Jared smiled. “I never said anything about him looking cute or kissing him.”

Evan’s face dropped. Jared knew that he had caught Evan in the act of denying his own thoughts instead of Jared’s words. When he is denying the truth, he forgets what they said and what he thought. That’s where Jared usually catches him.

“I-I don’t,” he stuttered. “There's no way. I like Connor as a friend, nothing more. I’ve never even liked a boy, so how could I—”

“Even if Connor is the only boy you’ve ever had a crush on, that still validates you as bi,” Jared was quick to attempt to soothe. “It just means you’re .01% bi!”

Evan started at him with a look of disbelief. 

It was silent while Evan went over the information. Jared watched as his friend slowly started falling into deeper panic, causing for some major concern. Even though Jared has been around for a lot of Evan’s panic attacks, he never knew what to do. Whenever Evan started crying, started panicking, or feeling any kind of usually negative emotion, Jared froze.

“Uh, Evan?” Evan didn’t say anything but looked back at Jared. “You okay dude?”

“No—No, no no no,” he started mumbling. Jared coughed awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

“Do you uh, want me to leave?” he asked. Evan nodded his head and looked down at the ground. He was scratching at his cast and staring at the ground with such pain, you would think it had killed his mother. “Alright, uh, I’m gonna go.”

When Evan didn’t make a move to respond, Jared let himself out. 

Step one of getting Connor and Evan together complete. Now he just needs to help Connor.

---

Connor was going to lose his mind. 

When Jared told him his plan two days ago, he thought it was stupid. Since everything Kleinman does is stupid, Connor agreed to let him go through with it.

Convince Evan that he was gay for Connor.

At first, Connor ignored the fear in his gut. He still didn’t believe that Evan had any sort of crush on him, so it was easy to push out the fact that this was a horrible plan.

All of that changed when he saw Jared walk into the school with a smug smile, as if he had actually done something with his life.

He made eye contact with Connor while they stood at their lockers. Connor almost gave him a look of desperation, hoping that he had failed, that Evan had just called him a dumbshit and that he and Connor were friends and that they were going to stay that way because there was no way that Connor would be anything good for Evan. He would ruin him, ruin his hope at love, his hope at life, his hope—

Jared had given him a thumbs up and wide smile. It took all of Connor’s power to not bang his head against his locker. Jared motioned towards the bathroom that was down the hall from their lockers and started walking that way. Connor gave it a few minutes so that no one would notice that he and Jared were meeting up in the bathroom like weird gay lovers do before heading out.

“I told you I’d do it man!” Jared cheered when he walked in. Connor anxiously looked around and was grateful to see that there was no one else in the bathroom.

“You’re lying,” Connor snapped. 

“No way! I got him to realize his gay crush for you!”

“You, Jared Kleinman,” Connor started, disbelief clear in his voice. “Convinced Evan Hansen, one of the most anxious and straightest boys in this school, that he had a crush on the biggest junkie in the school?”

“It’s part of my charm.” Connor was going to have an anxiety attack. He knew that Jared was going to talk to him about their conversation today so he didn’t smoke anything, but man did he regret that decision.

“You better not be fucking with me—”

“I’m not!” he snapped. “I swear, I’m not. I value my life too much to lie to you.”

Connor ignored that comment. “How exactly did this conversation go?”

“That is what stays between me and Evan,” he hummed. “All that matters now is that you ask him out to the dance.”

“Neither of us like the dance.”

“Then ask him out in general!” Jared laughed. “You guys are the most awkward people ever, but know each other so well! Just go for it!”

Connor had a lot of emotions running through his head. He didn’t want to believe Jared, wanted to brush off what he said as a lie, but he couldn’t. This is something that he wanted since freshman year, to actually have someone he likes like him back.

“Okay,” Connor relented. He walked away from Jared, ending the conversation.

“Do I get a thank you?” Jared called as he left the bathroom. Connor let the door shut.

[knifekris]

PLEAS tell us about your au....... and i hope you'll feel better soon!! stay careful and dont get sick please 😔

im already sick anon im sorry 😔 HOWEVER…

[ QUICK DISCLAIMER this tyzias uses they/he pronouns which is slightly different from the standard they/them i use but its butch lesbian indulgence hours and im God. anyways. ]

[ALSO UNDER THE CUT BC THIS IS LONG]

lemme tell you about zizi “tyzias” strider

alright so the premise for this au is basically “dave still had bro as a guardian but tyzias’ baby meteor crashed on top of dirks and smushed him” so alpha dave goes “well fuck i guess i have a troll baby now”

when i was talking to my roommate about this they put the mental image in my head of like, alpha dave with one of those baby carriers with grub tyzias just on his chest while he was fighting the clowns on the white house and while that may not be canon its Really Fucking Funny to me and i hope i get around to drawing it

um um anyways dave wasnt about to assign an alien baby a gender so he kind of left some of his shit for them and some shit hed think rose would leave for a girl or w/e but for the most part just stuff he Thought Would Be Cool– basically what dirk got originally but w some more variety and probably less anime shit because i actually like tyzias . anyways. they still get lil cal bc i feel like thats probably narratively important and for the most part tyzias is just like “yeah thats my puppet lil cal he’s pretty neat i guess. anyways”. obviously theyre going to treasure anything and everything dave left for them bc theyre sappy like that and literally dont have anything else.

it took a couple years for tyzias to realize how different they are from their human friends and they have this really deep insecurity stemming from when they realized theyre not a human like their ‘dad’/’bro’ but a troll like the condesce and they dont know SHIT or FUCK about troll culture or physiology except for whats out there for them to find which isnt a lot. so they get this weird irrational fear that if theyre not careful theyre gonna end up violent and bloodthirsty like )(IC who is a person who hurt not only dave but also rose and is actively making theirs n roxys lives hell and its a lot of “im so different from everyone i know and its in an arguably bad way”. especially wrt molting and blood color n stuff they dont have any explanations for anything except “im different from my friends and its weird and i dont want them to know because then they might think im weird or even BAD for being a troll”

they work REALLY hard on not letting this insecurity get in the way of who they want to be for their friends– which is to say they want to be someone dependable and  a person to lean on and to look to for support. **!!blood player hours alert!!** tyzias feels responsible for the people around them (jane roxy jake) and wants to do what they can to ensure that they all stay safe and happy because other than a long-dead alpha dave these are the people that they have and thats really important to them.

i know theres no class or aspect doubling within the kids but i reaaaalllyyy wanna make them a seer of blood but might settle for mage. seer would help out wrt the game over bullshit because you have to think about where dirk was during the fight and why he wasnt IN it and why he didnt go with john and roxy to the new timeline and stuff. these are all things that make me wanna reread homestuck so i can get a cohesive thing going on. anyways.

dirks version of masculinity affected a LOT of stuff in homestuck and so did lil hal and with both of those things gone u gotta think about like. for example jake and how hes all gung-ho about being a Dude and Manly and the way he goes about exploring his gender kind of cluelessly. and i dont want to make tyzias more ‘woke’ than they necessarily WOULD be in their scenario but i like to think theyd get a decent grasp on what it meant to be a butch lesbian– or at least enough to find comfort and joy and happiness in it while learning more about it and themselves as they grow. the internet exists on earth b. im allowed.

anyways jake and tyzias are best friends and its the most wonderful dynamic thats come out of this thing (there are a lot of good dynamics. i have a lot of very specific self indulgent things going on in this au.)

[ tyzias noogying jake and saying “hey you fuckin’ nerd” while he yells “JEEPERS, ZIZI” ]

tyzias and jake get to talk about things like masculinity and what even is a gender in a post-apocalyptic wasteland/on a deserted island and i think esp with tyzias’ aversion to showing what they look like or sending pics jake would go about assuming that tyzias is his Dude Friend until one day they have a conversation where tyzias goes “no bro im a lesbian” and jake has this moment of like. “… :D well thats neat buddy”

anyways tyzias encourages jake to go out and explore the island in SAFE and HEALTHY ways and they voice call while hes out and about so they can sort-of hang out as best as you can across spacetime and its fun. they like talking about stories (usually movies and shows) together bc its their common interest. 

zizi is really into storytelling and writing which is kind of a mirror of dirk/dave being really into drawing while holding onto zizi’s interest in literature and history n stuff.

as for roxy i think itd be really neat if tyzias’ “what is gender in a post-apocalyptic wasteland” thing inspired them to think about themselves and what their gender is vs. janes and maybe (or definitely) they come out as nonbinary and jane gets to be confused by zizi and roxys “weird pronoun preferences”

shit there is SO MUCH to think about with this. fuck. send me more specific questions so i dont just get caught up in my brain with all this. theres so much.

[the--blackdahlia]

Pride: Alternate Take (Tommy x Nikki)

Title: Pride: Alternate Take

Summary: Requested by @sharon6713. Picks up where Tommy’s leaving the house.

Warnings:  Homophobia, depression, suicide attempt, language, but it does get sweet I promise.

Tommy took a deep breath and made his way out the door. The street was quiet. Their neighborhood was a lot better than the one that they started out in next to the Whiskey. There weren’t wild parties going on between the hours of 10 pm and 3 am every day. Things were so calm and peaceful. And sometimes Tommy ached for the old days.

He secured his bag onto his bike and took a deep breath. He knew his parents wouldn’t miss him. Nikki would at first, but he’d move on eventually. Vince and Mick would have a moment of silence before they went to find a new drummer. That was one thing Tommy always thought about himself. He was replaceable, no matter how much people said he wasn’t. They could find another drummer quickly. Nikki could move on and have a new family.

To Tommy, he was just a placeholder for the real thing.

He got on his bike and took off down the street, heading towards the High Desert Motel.

Two minutes after Tommy had left, Nikki pulled into the driveway. He had had a feeling in his gut that he was needed at home. But traffic and stop lights had delayed him. He made his way inside.

“Tommy?” Nikki called out as he made his way inside. The house was silent. That made Nikki feel sick to his stomach. Of course, Tommy might be at therapy, but something in the back of his mind told him that was not the case. He checked the music room, bathroom, kitchen (that one hurt a little to do) and every place else he could think of before he headed to their bedroom. He looked around. Nothing seemed off at first.

Until he looked at his nightstand where he kept his gun and saw the drawer was open. Rushing over to it, he dug around. The extra ammo was there (Nikki had never really learned proper gun etiquette), but no pistol. Nikki looked around the room, eyes wide, when it landed on a piece of paper on his pillow. Shakily, Nikki reached out and picked it up.

Nikki,

Let me start off by saying that I love you, and this isn’t your fault. I’ve tried for so long to make myself be the person everyone wants me to be, and I can’t do it anymore. By the time you read this, I’ll probably be gone. I checked into the Desert High Motel and I used your old name. I’m not sure which room I got. I took your gun with me, I hope you don’t mind. There’s plenty of better musicians out there who could take over the drums so Motley Crue doesn’t have to stop partying. I heard Randy Castillo is pretty good…

Anyway, I’ve got to go. I love you Nikki. I’m sorry that you wasted so much time on me.

T-Bone

“No!” Nikki tossed down the paper and ran back into the living area. He wasn’t sure where the Desert High Motel was, honestly. He grabbed the phonebook and scanned through it. Someday, he was going to break down and get internet installed in the house. Might make things quicker. But right now, he didn’t have time for that.

“Joshua Tree. That’s two hours from here!” Nikki’s hands were still shaking as he tossed the book down and headed back out to his Porsche. He was debating on calling the cops, but what if that just spooked Tommy even more. He could call Vince and have him head out there. He loved racing his car and probably knew all the shortcuts. But Nikki didn’t. Instead, he got on the I-10 and pointed his car towards Joshua Tree.

****

Vince might have been a racer, but Tommy was good at using his bike. What would’ve been a two hour trip, he cut down quite a bit by backroads and going ten or twenty over the speed limit. He didn’t care if he ended up wrapped around a pole in a non stripper way. He pulled up at the office, cash in hand, ready to pay for his room.

“Name?” The old lady at the desk asked.

“Uh F-Frank Feranna,” Tommy told her. She nodded and got the keys for him, took his cash, and pointed him in the right direction.

“You look familiar,” She told him before he left. “Are you someone famous?”

“For all the wrong reasons,” Was all he told her before he got back on his bike and drove down towards his room. He carried his bag in and tossed it on a chair. He closed his eyes for a second before looking around the room. It wasn’t as extravagant as the hotels they had stayed in before were. But it was going to do the trick. He went back to the bag and pulled out the gun, setting it on the bed while he paced and just stared at it.

“Do I want to do this?” Tommy asked. “Do I really want to leave Nikki all alone?”

‘Maybe he���ll get back with Brandi. Or that Donna chick the papers thought he was seeing back when the two of you got together,’ The voice taunted him. ‘I bet he likes her company better anyway.’

“Fuck!” Tommy cried out as he pulled at his hair. Why couldn’t he be stronger than this? Nikki had overcome addiction, which was a lot harder, in Tommy’s opinion. So why couldn’t he deal with his demons? Why did he still let his dad’s words cut him so deep? Why couldn’t he just force himself to be happy for once?

But, worst of all, why was he so willing to let Nikki, Vince, and Mick be unhappy with him? Why was he so willing to let them watch him like this? Why couldn’t he just let go so they could move on?

That’s when Tommy reached for the gun.

****

“Come on, come on,” Nikki was so close to Joshua Tree. He was sure that he had broken every driving rule California had to offer, but he really couldn’t care. His heart had steadily been beating faster since he left the house, and the minute things started to thin out and become more desert like, Nikki was sure you could see his heart beating out of his chest like those old Looney Tunes cartoons.

Joshua Tree was right there in front of him. And it didn’t take too long to find the motel. He pulled in, ready to go to the office to ask which room Frank Feranna, of all names he had to pick that one, was in. But that’s when he spied an all too familiar bike, parked in front of a room on the end. Nikki parked by it and took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he might find there. He finally got himself out of his car and walked towards the room he hoped was Tommy’s. His legs felt heavy as he approached the door.

Taking another deep breath, he raised his hand and knocked.

****

Tommy was staring at the gun in his hand. He had heard of people killing themselves with guns, but he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to position it. He was about to lift it to his head when there was a knock at the door. Tommy almost ignored it, thinking it was just the wrong person, because no one would be looking for him. But they knocked again. With a sigh, Tommy laid the gun down and went to the door.

As it opened, the last person he expected to see was Nikki standing there. But he was.

“N-Nikki,” Tommy’s eyes were wide.

“You’re surprised to see me,” Nikki pushed his way into the room. “Didn’t think I’d find your note until after you’d already been dead a few hours, didn’t you?”

“Nikki…” Was all Tommy could say. Nikki’s eyes fell on the gun laying on the bed before he turned to look at the drummer.

“What the hell are you thinking Tommy?” Nikki asked. “Is this because some asshole with a camera thought he could show off our lives? You want to take your own life because of that?”

“That’s not…” Tommy shook his head. “It’s not the only thing…”

“Then what is it huh? Do you hate me that much that you’d rather kill yourself than be with me? Are you that ashamed of us?”

“No!” Tommy yelled. Nikki had not expected that reaction. “I’m not ashamed of you or us. It’s me okay!”

“What are you talking about?” Nikki asked. “Tommy…”

“My dad has installed this idea in my head that I should be ashamed of who I am, okay?”  Tommy sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. It took Nikki a second before he put things together.

“That wasn’t your therapist on the phone, was it?” He asked. Tommy shook his head. “It was your dad?”

“Y-yeah…” Tommy whispered. “I didn’t think he’d call me. I’ve moved around so much since the last time I talked to him.”

“What did he say to you?” Nikki asked, moving to sit by Tommy.

“R-remember how I told you guys that my dad kicked me out because I wanted to quit school to join a band?” Tommy asked. Nikki nodded. “Well, that wasn’t entirely accurate.”

“What did he do to you?” Nikki asked, remembering the revolving door of step dads and boyfriends who liked to smack him around while his mother watched.

“I...when I was just a teenager, I kissed a boy from school,” Tommy told him. “I didn’t think anything of it. I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, he just wanted to try it out. I had known for a little while that I liked boys. But, what I didn’t realize was my dad...he had seen us. He didn’t say anything until...until I told him and my mom that I wanted to quit school to spend more time working on the band with you, Vince, and Mick…”

“Tommy…” Nikki whispered, reaching out to cup his face and brush some tears away.

“His exact words to me were “is it because you’re a faggot?”.” Tommy told Nikki. “I was really confused until he told me he had seen me that night. I...we got into a fight and that’s when I showed up on your doorstep with a couple bags.”

“You could’ve told me baby,” Nikki told him, keeping contact because it seemed to calm Tommy some. “Back then though, I probably would’ve killed your dad. No one fucked with my favorite drummer.” He smirked a little.

“I just...I didn’t want you guys disgusted with me.” Tommy told him. Nikki frowned. “I heard the things that were said on the strip about guys like me. It was bad enough wearing the makeup and getting called names. Could you imagine what it would be like if people found out? Being gay, or bisexual, or whatever the fuck I am, it wasn’t exactly a cool and trendy thing. It was mainly stripped down to stereotypical, feminine men and butch women, waving rainbows and living in San Francisco. That’s not me...”

Nikki pulled Tommy to him. Tommy’s head rested in the curve of his neck and he just let himself melt into Nikki’s side. Nikki held him close. He had been so scared that he was going to walk into the room and find that he had really lost Tommy this time.

“Baby, you know I love you. I always love you. No matter what you do. You could braid your hair into cornrows and sing rap and I’d still love you.” Nikki rubbed his back.

“Then why can’t my parents?” Tommy asked softly into his neck. “Why can’t my dad love me for who I am?”

“I wish I had an answer for you sweetie,” Nikki held him close. “But I don’t exactly have a good relationship with either of my parents. And I know that you were really close to yours growing up. I wish I could tell you everything will be okay, that they’ll see their mistakes and realize that you’re happy, but I can tell you that I love you, and I’m here for you no matter what happens.”

“You deserve a better fiancé than me,” Tommy whispered. “You’re too good for me.”

“We both have been dealt shitty hands in life. I think this is the universe's way of saying sorry. It brought us together.” Nikki tilted Tommy’s head up and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. When they pulled apart, Nikki offered Tommy a comforting smile. “Do you want to go home?”

“Yeah,” Tommy nodded, not really wanting to move away from Nikki but he had rode his bike here, and he didn’t really want to leave it.

“We’ll go home and have that date I  talked about earlier,” Nikki told him. “Just you and me. No one else.”

“That sounds perfect,” Tommy nodded. “I have a lot of making up to do.”

“No,” Nikki took his hand and pulled Tommy to his feet. “I’m here to catch you when you fall. Don’t ever forget that.” He kissed  Tommy again before they got Tommy’s stuff and left the motel room behind.

Forever Tags:  @anathewierdo @dekahg @marvel-af-imagines @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogarukes @xxwarhawk @sandlee44 @shatteredabby @caswinchester2000 @supernaturalwincestsblog @lauravic @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk @teller258316

Motley Crue Tags:  @primal-screamer @waywardprincess666 @twistnet @saint-of-los-angeles @vader-kai @motleyfuckingcruee @sharon6713 @kawennote09 @2dead2function @nikkisixxwiththebass @flamencodiva @iamtiber-andtiberismusic @jayprettymuchomw

[vaguely-concerned]

empire of ivory here we go!

previous temeraire let’s read here

- um excuuuuse me I have waited two books for us to come back home to britain to see everyone again and now everything is awful and shitty and scary and my fave is leaving and nothing’s how it should be??? no??? this is unfair??????

- tharkay NO please don’t go everything provably goes to hell whenever you leave D:D:D:

(to be fair to him I guess it’s understandable to want some time alone to process the absolute outrageous bullshit he just pulled for a guy he’s known for like four months)

he used his page time well tho; instantly convincing roland of his worth and making her laugh... giving laurence his cup of tea b/c he looked like he needed it more... telling laurence that he’s leaving because he promised to do that much at least... truly the best boy, off to fetch more dragons apparently because it wasn’t quite crazy enough the first time

- god I love jane roland, I’m so glad my two faves got along instantly, between them they could... maybe protect laurence from himself? at least a little??? I can but dream

- I think this is the most emotionally invested I’ve been in a piece of media since that time I spent a few months completely incoherent over uncharted, and naughty dog very kindly held my heart in their hands and chose to be gentle with it in the end but I am not so sure that is how it’s going to be for this series and I am Not Prepared for the suffering

- I love whenever laurence thinks uncomfortably about one of the various and sundry atrocities committed by the government he’s still pledged all his loyalty to. yes william maybe the british empire... is in fact not good and has enough blood on their hands to dye the ocean red. I can’t wait until he connects the dots here (and presumably has a pretty intense crisis if faith about it because it seems like one of the loadbearing structures of his character... actually no wait I’m not ready to see this D:D:D:)

- the little details like the fact that he just calls bb!roland ‘emily’ and harcourt becomes ‘catherine’ so easily in his narration now are so so sweet  

- lord allendale is one of those dudes who have good politics but is a shitheel to his family and I want to smack him

laurence being the mortified poster boy of this party, though? priceless, imagine coming up with a protagonist this effortlessly involuntarily hilarious, it’s the mark of true genius

- I don’t usually quibble over things like this, but I think the edit for this fourth book specifically is a bit lacking? I’ve come across a lot of mistakes even my dumb ass can pick up on already, and I’m only a hundred pages or so in

- caught between crying and cackling at this part b/c like laurence I’m  d e v a s t a t e d  at the thought of temeraire getting sick but also temeraire is just like cheerfully getting laid the whole time

also how did none of the aviators think to give laurence The Talk about giving his dragon The Talk, you all know what he’s like

- oh thank god

- I have spent half of today crying about dragons coughing, how are you this fine evening good reader

- btw this series fills a hole in my soul left by jkr giving me all those tantalizing hints of different types of dragons in ‘fantastic beasts’ and never following up on it

- tharkay may not be here but laurence just mentioned him like once in his narration so let’s take the excuse to reminisce about the good old days (when tharkay was here)... remember that time when the one of his own jokes he laughed openly at was about lawyers and laurence frankly should have responded better b/c it was kind of funny and sadly temeraire doesn’t have the worldly experience to know it yet.... aaah precious, he truly is a sardonic blessing to my heart and deserves the world

okay back to our regularly scheduled content   

- riley why u gotta b such a bitch about this

(I love how laurence is constantly doubting himself over this tho, as if he’s done something wrong in this situation... like honey baby if there’s one thing worth breaking a friendship over it’s probably them being cool with slavery lol. it shows how much laurence has grown, considering that this disagreement has always existed between them but he used to be willing to just overlook it... I’m so proud of you laurence)

also lol @ berkely coming in to tell them everyone can hear them, I have a desperately soft spot for him and maximus. just the image of both of them turning to him ‘united in appalled indignation’ like ‘excuse you???’ and him giving exactly zero fucks... *chef kiss emoji*

- most important information revealed in this book: a) dragons are not widely considered to have committed original sin, thank you reverend erasmus and b) laurence has taken time out of his day at some point to worry about it b/c he’s a dork

(this is the sort of world building I am hopelessly weak to lol)

- gong su tricking temeraire into eating in the most melodramatic way possible... god bless you chef

- fkjhsadkjfhsdkjalhfaskjldhf laurence judging chenery for what he’s wearing while going out into the jungle in full uniform hat included himself... I caaaaan’t

- demane has only appeared on three pages so far but if anything happens to him I’ll kill everyone in this book and then myself

- ‘average dragon speaks one million languages’ factoid actualy statistical error. Temeraire Linguist Georg, who wants a pavilion thank you very much & learns over 10,000 languages each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted <3<3<3

(I love that temeraire is like... a nerd dragon with a hopelessly jock captain)

- laurence effortlessly rating the relative hotness of the other male aviators to try to suss out who harcourt has slept with fjsaldfhsdkljafh do you ever hear yourself think william

like this is the thing about him it’s so easy to headcanon him as bi b/c he can be so mindbogglingly oblivious it’s entirely possible he literally wouldn’t even have noticed until someone smacked him over the head with it

- see I’m very happy they found the cure but I don’t fucking trust it b/c the pattern of these books tends to be to give you one moment of ‘oh phew everything is going to be okay’ about 2/3 into the story and THEN everything goes to hell and fifty pages later laurence is dissociating and napoleon has conquered prussia 

- THERE WE GO RIGHT ON SCHEDULE

temeraire is never going to let laurence go anywhere without him again and rightly so

- hasn’t mrs erasmus been through enough. can’t she just be allowed to chill 

- this is really cool world building but I’m too stressed out to appreciate it

really enjoy the description of architecture tho this sounds so awesome

- sfahdfklsahdfksjda laurence making sure his clothes are as washed and presentable as possible... I can’t with you you beautiful idiot

- TEMERAIRE OH MY GOD IS HE HERE IS LAURENCE HALLUCINATING PLS SAY HE’S ACTUALLY HERE

- ...well I mean if anyone has a freudian excuse for being kind of dickish I guess it would be these guys? it’s actually pretty chill of them to only flog one of them (laurence, because he just can’t play it any way but stupid lawful good at every turn) and not just killing them all I guess, they kept them fed and stuff

- oh thank god

- temeraire you are the most darling dragon boy and I love you

I was really really worried for a moment there that the reference to the Colosseum was a not-so-subtle hint they would have to gladiator fight to the death but thankfully they were basically just calling in a parliament

- DID THIS MOTHERFUCKER JUST STAB A CHILD IN THE STOMACH?? I HOPE HE ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE DICK AND DIES pls say demane is going to be okay

- aw okay finally something good for mrs erasmus I will take it

- laurence you useless fool of a narrator is demane okay?? 

- god roland is just so cool naomi novik really gave us a jovial butch silver fox aviator lady huh... she did that for us and I for one am full of gratitude

- oh thank GOD (hm I sense a running theme here lol) the kid is going to be okay I can breathe again

- iskierka the pirate captain + temeraire’s reaction... perfect

- ;____________; I would lay down my life for temeraire and also that’s a gutpunch of a moodswing... the perfect hilarity of ‘that is an ugly hill’ immediately followed by That... jesus

- awww every time volly shows up again is a joy (temrer!!!)

- laurence... laurence you need to stop asking people to marry you because you never actually really fucking mean it!!!!! have you learned nothing about yourself since book 1, trust your goddamn instincts for once in your life you and roland have been doing perfectly okay thus far as like... affectionate fuckbuddies right? 

(her reaction was priceless tho god bless)

- aaaah there we go the british government is looking more like itself... welcome to the world of realpolitik laurence I’m really sorry :(

- “It is only dragons, you know” JANE ROLAND WTF DID YOU JUST SAY

- “This government is not of my party; my king is ill and mad; but still I am his subject. You have sworn no oath, but I have.” He paused. “I have given my word.”

:) this is... fine

(like. I know this is necessary character growth and he’s basically been a waste of a good man in service to a government like this the whole time and the writing’s been on the wall since book 1 but I don’t want this to be happening to hiiiiim)

- tfw... ur dragon boi is so good... that being anything less than good for him in turn is unthinkable...................... b o i

- ...jane doesn’t really know him very well if she didn’t see this coming from a mile off tho does she

I mean I guess she has other stuff to think about but this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone

- remember when he thought the entire corps was weird and now he’s finally at home there... and has to leave it behind :):):) super extra fine is what this is

- yeah okay laurence definitely has a crush on ol’ bonaparte noting that down lol he’s all but blushing after that kiss on the cheek 

also... if you just overlook the dictator thing for a moment is napoleon wrong about what he’s saying tho. (no and not even laurence is prepared to say so he’s just going to go back there and get murdered anyway b/c idk lawful good is dumb as fuck sometimes I guess)

It’s really cool how the author shows that napoleon has a better handle on laurence’s psychology after barely meeting him than a lot of people he’s known for years now, though, really adds to his menace and appeal as a character

- wow uh that’s one way to end a book... it’s actually tipped over from tragedy into a strange sort of hilarity for me now: he literally got sued out of his life’s earnings for being a decent human being, committed treason for the same reason and is about to be hanged for thinking genocide might have been a step too far -- in the span of thirty pages. I believe ‘that escalated quickly’ is not too much of an exaggeration here

- SIPHO IS GONNA WRITE BOOKS ONE DAY YOU GUYS!!!! I PROUDLY WELCOME OUR SECOND NERD TO THE CREW

 - I think this one might be my least favorite so far? not that I disliked it, it’s just the one that’s hit the worst by the fact that there’s not always that much time spent with the cultures central to the book; tswana seems really interesting but because of the way the plot played out and our limited perspective though laurence it just didn’t work for me? the cool shit comes in sipho’s book at the end, like how thoroughly they kicked the europeans out of the coast of africa, which is very cathartic (I will say that most of the second book being set on the ship and then only a sliver of it is actually in china annoyed me too haha) 

I have the distinct feeling this book is setting up for some Misery and breaking of the pattern a bit in the next one though, which will be interesting! ONWARDS TO MORE PAIN AND LAURENCE IS ALREADY PASSIVELY SUICIDAL FROM THE OUTSET SO LIKE... I’M SURE THIS WILL BE REAL FUN :)

maybe my boy will be back tho? silver linings silver linings clinging to some silver linings

[semenguine]

it’s 2:31am and i’m in my first year of university and my fourth or fifth month of eden and watching the minutes melt away. eden’s not home yet and i’m lonely. i have been posing prettily on the air mattress for some time, waiting to surprise her. i remember running my fingers over the mattress and feeling quite melodramatically that i am being neglected.

at last i hear the click of the lock as the door opens. 2:57am. it’s almost 3am. i remember my irritation at how long she’s been keeping me, but then i hear her keys jingle once. twice. i know something’s wrong, they’re moving so slow and she usually moves so quickly. i don’t bother to put my clothes back on, filled with an inexplicable urgency. 

i am right. she has been twisted up and mangled. i gasp at the sight of her blood. what’s all of this, i say. she closes the door, locks it back. turns. the look on her face is blank and emotionless. she doesn’t answer, just wipes the blood away from her nose as much as she can. one of her eyes is swelling fast. her knuckles are scratched. they will bruise. did you get in a fight? i say.

yeah, she says this gruffly. i move to take her coat and she tears herself away from me a little bit, turning. she takes it off herself and lets it fall to the floor. her keys drop too. over what, i say. she looks irritated. over what? i press, louder. her eyes flare at me. she moves, and winces, and is making her way over to the bathroom, all slow and pained.

i’d never seen her beat up as bad as that before. i soak a clean dishcloth in some cool water and follow her. i slam the toilet seat down- i’ll deal with it sierra, she’s saying. i ignore her completely, wholly, totally. i force her down on the toilet seat and start cleaning up her injuries. she winces and cringes and sucks her breath in between her teeth.

what was this about, i demand. shut up sierra, she says. she glares at me resentfully. i shake my head at her and her silly stupid temper. you’re always getting into these fights for no reason, i begin angrily, she doesn’t let me finish. i was at this party, she says heatedly. and this guy started saying shit about you. you don’t need to know what it was, i just got mad and i took a swing at him because i always- but. she scowls then. it went south, she finishes shortly. she hisses as i dab at a long scratch on her arm. what’s this, then, i probe.

doesn’t cut his fucking fingernails, she says. that’s what. i frown at her with disapproval. you’re witholding, i say. she shrugs. after a while i finish. the towel is blood soaked but she’s clean now. tenderly i put bandaids over what i can. i put some ice in a plastic baggie for her eye. were you waiting for me, she addresses finally, gently snapping the waistband of my panties against my hip. i was, i say. i know i’m uglier than i was when i left, she jokes. im not sexy anymore, huh?

you’re telling lies, i say. i angrily move to the mattress and take my bra off, pulling the blankets over myself. i’m not, she says. you are, i say, i turn away from her. she sits herself down next to me. it’s just stupid details, she says tenderly. he was talking crap. does it matter what he said? the point is i blew up and he was stronger than i was and he beat the shit outta me. i kinda had it coming. i glare at her and turn back over.

look, maybe i don’t wanna talk about it right now, she says. say that then, i say. she stares at me. you’re being so difficult, she starts. properly incited, i utter asshole! and i tell her im going to go home. what, don’t, she says. it’s late anyway. and something in her voice makes me stay. 

she lies down and wraps her arms around me. i’m sorry, she whispers. i don’t say anything. i put my hands over her hands and stare at the wall. i don’t want- she falters, and is silent for a while. i’m starting to fall asleep when she talks again. they were calling you a slut and stuff and i know you said you didn’t care so i ignored it- then he said i was- that you weren’t- that you couldn’t love... y’know. a dyke like me and that he knew because you told him that when you were sucking his dick last night and i knew it wasn’t true and that i shouldn’t do it but i got so mad and i took a swing at him, she blurts out. and i think i really got him. but i left the party and him and some of his dumb friends fucking jumped me, she states. that’s what i get for going to parties off campus i guess and they beat the hell out of me and. 

and she stops.

and what, i turn my head. every muscle in her body is tense. eden, my voice drops and so does my heart. they didn’t get anywhere with it, she says instead, quickly. it’s an easier sentence to say than the other one. my wenis freaked them out and they called me a freak and left. it’s not- 

eden, i say. it’s not really a big deal, eden, i didn’t even want to, eden, i wasn’t going to tell you because, eden, i knew you’d flip out like, eden, it’s not even, eden, and then a gasp, this quiet gasping sound and i look up at her and she’s crying, sucking this breath in through her teeth and shaking. it didn’t go anywhere, she sobs. i wasn’t gonna say anything.

you have to tell me, you have to tell me, i say it again and again and again. my heart is pounding in my chest. i’m fucking terrified. the room seems somehow smaller than it is. don’t hide it. she’s still crying. i hold her. i hold her so damn tight my hands ache and my face scrunches and i cry too and that’s the moment i decide i dont want to confine myself to a loveless marriage to a man who will beat me and let me waste away at home. i decide i want this. i don’t know what possesses me. what makes me. some instinctual feeling from those who came before me or something else entirely.

she always called herself butch but i was simply gay or a lesbian if i was feeling up to it. i slept with so many men it never usually came up. always the worst men. the ones who did bad things to girls at parties, the ones with awful tempers and certain feelings about women. i couldn’t ever love them but every single whore and bitch thrown my way, every time a hand made contact with my cheek, or a fist with my ribs, every push and shove, every time i was ignored, every time i was silenced and taken as it pleased them i felt something so close for them that it might as well have been. 

it felt so good. it’s sick but it felt so good. and i spent all my time cutting and crying. i did my best to do my schoolwork and i did my teachers if i could when it wasn’t enough. i loathed myself. every single last bit of me i hated and it was wonderful. every time my scientists called me to check in and i told them i was great. i didn’t have anything to live for. i don’t really know what i was still living for. 

but after that day i started trying on the word femme. it felt good so i kept it. i don’t have to patch her up anymore, not like i used to. but sometimes i still have to make sure the stitches are holding together.