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#(as if it ever went well for anyone else)
1mm4d13 · 10 days
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How it is trying to fight this absolute menace
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relaxxattack · 20 days
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rereading the hivebent commentary makes me so annoyed that people are never really willing to analyze the actual effects that alternian culture clearly had on every troll, especially the highbloods. pretty much the only troll who ever actually gets taken in the context of her upbringing is vriska.
no one ever seems willing to think about the character arcs of trolls like equius and terezi, who are also bluebloods with extremely hypocritical and toxic understandings of the people around them-- equius is boiled down to a gross creep who is just like that naturally and definitely didn't get it from his society in any way, whilst terezi is scrubbed of virtually all her flaws and turned into a strange sort of based love interest character who is all about being gay and too cool to be tricked by any of the alternian propaganda. quadrants? classism? how silly! terezi would never believe in stupid shit like that. she's quirky! and GAY!
despite the fact that equius and terezi both obviously have much, much more to their personalities than that-- and the alternian empire is informing way more dangerous things about these kid's beliefs than "kiss annoying people".
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oceanwithouthermoon · 5 months
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i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,
if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."
i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,
i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason
#crazy that the mindset some people on here have is that theyre the only ones allowed to post their opinions#ive repeated this a lot on this blog but i rlly think people forget that the person on the other side of the screen is in fact a person#if ur harassing people and publicly making fun of them then ur just as bad as any real life bully#that shit isnt as funny or harmless as u like to pretend it is#not once have i ever targetted anyone or went on someones blog to harass them over my opinion#yet people think its fine to do the same to me and treat it as if its like. revenge or something#like ? me saying 'i dont like toxic yaoi' is not equivalent to someone going on someone elses page and going 'how tf do u like toxic yaoi'#I DONT CARE !! all ive ever done is sit in my own little bubble and had opinions and that makes people mad#honestly though the people who will publicly talk and post abt it are significantly meaner#and i want to act like im not bothered by it because i know most of them r just angry that someone has a different opinion#and they want all their followers to bandwagon off of them (idk why maybe for validation or whatever-same reasons anyone would bully)#but seriously if u actually do think that something i said was out of line and crossed thise boundaries- just fucking tell me ?#im a person bro. ur solution to disagreeing with me shouldnt be 'lol im gonna post abt this and make everyone harass them'#have a conversation with me dude i dont bite ? if u cant talk to me like a person then just dont fucking say anything wtf#its so cowardly to be like 'well no i didnt wanna say anything to u cuz i didnt wanna be rude.. so instead i publicly made fun of u!'#LIKE WHATTTT STOPPPPP </3333#ok anyway this post wasnt supposed to get THAT serious.#MY POINT IS just be considerate of other people and dont base ur hatred off of assumptions#ur deflecting the blame onto someone else because u dont want to admit that ur just a fucking bully lol#being inconsiderate on here is something ive also been guilty of back when i first joined the fandom and was clueless#but grown ass adults who have been on here way longer r still doing that shit which is crazy#and i cant say anything because they have so much leverage over me and idk if its on purpose or if they dont even realize#ok im putting fandom tags cuz i want people to see this sorry. this is my one post thats actually targetted but its at a lot of people#so if u look at this and think 'hey i do that' pls evaluate urself<3#i mean its also targetted at everyone who does this anonomously so i dont know who it is OKOK IM DONE BYE SORRY HOPE THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE#watch nobody read this fr#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#meows post
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tariah23 · 4 months
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Noooo…… first it’s Yuuta and Shoko, now they’re yo-yoing back around to Megumi.
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#no they’re bashing megumi even more than ever now…. sometimes some characters aren’t built for all of THIS AND ITS OKAY#he’s forever traumatized bro he just lost his sister in front of his eyes and his body was the one that killed her#same situation with Gojo who took care of his sister and he from when they was toddlers and up#megumi doesn’t want to live anymore and yuuji has already tried getting through to him he’s completely broken and even if he’s saved megumi#might not ever be the same#I feel like fans keep on forgetting that these are kids going through all of this stuff that even some of the hardest adults wouldn’t be#able to handle#they bash him but a lot of these same ppl forget what happened to getou and love him unconditionally#they’d say “’well other characters have lost a lot as well and they’re still trying!’ and I just have to#restate that again; simply not every character is built like some hard boiled shounen badass jjk is not the usual shounen that a lot of#fans still refuse to see tbh like it’s kind of built different 🗿#it’s core genres are literally horror/psychological horror like no one if gonna be bouncing back like Naruto bro#and in Naruto’s case he never got to see anyone precious to him die in front of him#who knows what Naruto would’ve went through if sasuke was killed in front of him#but then again#Naruto was already a crazy ass#he vowed to kill sasuke and die with him so nvm#but megumi ISNT crazy like that that’s the difference ajsjsjsj#he’s always been one of the more rational characters amongst his peers#he’s so normal!!! everyone else is fucked up or got larger personalities than he does#maybe ppl are pissed off at the fact that megumi simply isn’t fighting back… it’s frustrating but he’s in pain bro#I don’t see him making it out alive at all either if I’m being real#Yuuji might be one of the only characters to survive at this rate I doubt Yuuta is even going to pull through after the techniques 5 min#are up either…#rambling#the point it…… as sad as it may sound all of the characters fighting so hard now are doing so because they simply have to#Sukuna is literally a calamity and these are the only characters left who will even stand any chance against such a great entity#they don’t have much of a choice man#Gojo tried to prepare his students for the future so that they’ll be strong enough to fight back anything together. not alone#Everyone is doing what they can now
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whelpimnauthuman · 3 months
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My current Clangen has had at least five murders (and I will not be surprised if we get more). Which is already wild, but then looking at the revelations I've gotten so far and then coming up for motivations is. Just. Wild
Clangen Murder Lore under the cut
I have one guy, Lupinerustle, who's done the majority of the murder (I think it's 2, maybe 3 other cats? Need to check my notes tho) He's charismatic, so finds it easy to laugh off and deflect any accusations (doesn't help that at least one of his "confessions"was a flashback/nightmare overheard by a kit who didn't understand it.) I don't have a motive yet, but at this point whenever there's a murder I'm like "ah, yeah, that was probably him".
One of them was not subtle at all, brought the guy into camp and damned him to the Dark Forest; he was an apprentice about to graduate so I imagine it was right around the assessment. Not entirely sure method or motive, but he ends up killing the apprentice (I think he name was Rapidpaw?). Debating on having Lupinerustle ambushing Rapidpaw, so he doesn't have a chance to fight back, or Rapidpaw fighting for his life.
Either way, the body is brought back to camp, Lupinerustle claims they were attacked and the apprentice ran, abandoning him and dying in the process. "In the end, he wasn't fit to be a warrior."
Second murderer is his mate, Frozenmane. She grew up as kind of the golden child; I imagine her and her sister Icystem having a relationship similar to Dovewing and Ivypool, where Frozenmane was able to get away with almost anything - sneaking out to the Twolegplace and eating their food, going missing for weeks on end, even returning with one of their collars - and still managed to graduate on time, yet Icystem was held back despite doing everything right. To add insult to injury, around the time Icystem graduated, the medicine cats received a prophecy. Frozenmane overheard it and thought it must be talking about her, and her sister wasn't exactly pleased when she went to tell her. "You couldn't even let me have this (my graduation/ceremony), without somehow making yourself special, could you?"
A few moons pass, and Icystem (along with a few other cats) are taken by two legs. Famine strikes, the old deputy dies and is replaced, and Frozenmane... Lives life as normal. She finds a mate, has kits (Icystem, ironically, returns the same moon her kits are born). Her mate dies, her kits grow, and she's just... A common warrior.
And it kills her inside. Wasn't she meant to be special? Hadn't Starclan chosen her? Wasn't she the favorite?
I'm not entirely sure her motive for killing this (seemingly random?) warrior, but I feel like it's related to that; her victim, Toadflood, was everything she wasn't: a relatively laid-back warrior who was just. Enjoying life. Didn't care about being special, or raising in ranks (I think they were actually from outside the Clan originally). They weren't holding themself to such a high standard, and Frozenmane hated it.
The murder just adds on to everything tho. There's that combination of horror and guilt, but also... Lupinerustle has killed at least one cat by now, and can recognize there's something off about her. TL;DR they bond over murder and become mates, honestly probably enabling each other? (Considering, y'know, Lupe is still murdering his Clanmates)
Frozenmane is eventually confronted by Falconheart, a younger warrior (and one of the deputy's current mates), who plans on sharing the revelation with the Clan (preferably after their mate becomes leader, as Antlerstar is on his last life, and Frozenmane is a well-trusted warrior; it's basically the equivalent of Firestar accusing Tigerclaw). Falconheart is hoping to find guilt, remorse, maybe to hear it was an accident, anything to keep from reporting this. Instead, Frozenmane simply replies "So? Plenty of cats - good cats - die or go missing all the time. Why does it matter now?"
After all, Frozenmane was chosen by Starclan, she can't be wrong. Her killing a Clanmate is 100% okay, at least, in her mind.
Final murder is Antlerstar, who's currently on his last life. He's old, and quite honestly seen a lot, being the Clan's first leader (and one of two founders remaining). He's actually lost all but one of his other lives to famine, so has no problem giving for his Clan; however, he's no pushover, having led his Clan to war as well.
He was once a wise and noble leader, but age, as well as the trials of leading a Clan, have made him more feeble and hesitant; he fears leading his Clan astray, causing more loss and pain. He's plagued by nightmares, mistakes and visions from his past. It's not uncommon for him to get lost in a memory, or awake from a nightmare unaware of when or where he is.
His murder of (*checks notes*) was accidental, having lost himself to one such memory. The realization of what he'd done haunts him, and he's mostly confined himself to his den, only being visited by his deputy, Cinderfeather, and his medicine cat, fellow founder and friend, Foxpath.
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cyanidas · 11 months
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Hii I'm still alive! I went out to Iowa for bio family reasons and have been... recovering... 🥲
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ennuidays · 6 months
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its not serious Ur not serious ab it An ur motives r stupid n hold no real life value
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giantkillerjack · 2 years
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It helps me to think about caring for myself like I think about caring for a child.
Like, 'yes, I know you feel fine, but I think you've watched enough scary things before bed. Let's watch something nice now, okay?'
#original#it also helps because i am a queer autistic person with adhd who was raised catholic and#i was taught that the only way to be a truly good person was to sacrifice myself for others at all costs#and therefore seeking my own happiness was a sin. denial's the game. the more the holier.#I often think about how lent was all about honoring Jesus's sacrifice for us. but none of the things we ever gave up ever helped anyone#jesus was like hey it is a sin to allow people to go hungry and we were like 'give up pizza for a month got it'#🙄🙄🙄#I went to Catholic school and we would brag to each other about what we gave up#i think Lent is about as holy as weight loss#only holy in the eyes of a god who doesn't love me#so I don't care much for that one anymore.#anyway what I meant to say was one of the things that helps me break out of this mindset that was ingrained in me at a young age#is when I start sacrificing myself instinctively to please people I ask if I would allow this level of pain to happen to a child#if that doesn't work I ask if I would allow it to happen to a dog.#and the answer is almost always absolutely not. i would protect that animal.#and my next thought is don't I deserve to be treated at least as well as a dog??#i think yes.#i think i ought to be treated at least as well as I'd treat everyone else actually. and i am kind to others.#so why would i be my one exception?#these tags were brought to you by: i am setting boundaries with my family#bc i realized if they had treated my dog like this I'd have disowned them and not have felt guilty for it#i would also protect a child at all costs just to be clear#that is never in question it is just a matter of side stepping my trauma's excuses since it may go like#'oh you don't deserve as much as other people' but it is LESS likely to be able to convince me I should have less rights than a literal dog
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imo everyone on earth should be talking about Him (don't want this showing up in the tag even though it's not a diss) but everytime i go to the tag and there's only like 3 new posts i'm like. oh yeah almost no one cares except me and like 5 other ppl on here
i ran out of tags KFHSJENNXN i don't think that's literally ever happened to me before anyways don't read them because it's just me being insane as per usual
#most of his indirects on twitter are from people in diff asian countries as well and ik he's doing an asia tour soon(?)#bruh he's never coming back to the usa is he 😭😭😭 i need him in chicago i miss him so bad#i feel very ugly emotionally rn still bc i was reading all of the rando ass dating rumors of him last night LMAO and it pissed me off#i know i have no right to get mad and i'm being irrational but at the same time like. everyone is just like 'omg he's so in love rn'#bc his music has been very angsty and like. idk... conflicted? but his new song was very happy and sweet and very In Love Sounding#and i already know all his music is about one person bc he always talks about the same shit (he's very predictable i see right thru him)#and he's putting out a new song called 'shining' and he has been talking abt a person being his light/shining on him for the last 7yrs atp#so like. that's how i know it's about one specific person and i don't think he has moved on LMAOOO so unless he was dating the same random#7yrs ago i don't think he's dating any of the people they bring up tbh... i pay attention to these things not to brag or anything but like#being attentive to the people i love and noticing inconsistincies in their behavior and when they act diff is like. the only skill i have#at least irt other people LMAO like honestly i wrote all the lyrics he ever wrote down in a google doc and it shows a clear trajectory#that starts like... innocently and just gets more fucked up and toxic as it goes. and ppl say he's one of the most sane ppl they know#meanwhile he's been writing songs about 1 person for nearly 10 years and they get progressively more desperate and insane#I'M JUST SAYING. i completely forgot what my original point was but i guess it was most likely that. no one pays attention to him like i do#the songs started being about this person at the same time i started liking him and having dreams about meeting him btw#and they got progessively more uh. spiteful and desperate and weird as the years went on. did i mention i cast a spell on him 😐#and he literally says shit like 'it's impossible for me to move on' 'i don't care about anyone else' 'it's like i'm possessed' etc#and after we met at his concert he got really into saying shit like 'that one night wasn't enough' and 'the spotlight between us'#&the ever-famous 'i like the way you look at me' 'my eyes are on you' 'focus on me just look at me' when all i did was look at him all night#if you're reading this right now and thinking 'celeste do you seriously believe a kpop guy has been writing songs about you for 7 years?'#you should remember who i am and how i reacted to ***** having a gf (that i guessed exactly right months before he revealed it)#i'm schizophrenic 🤷‍♀️ but the guy i'm into was the one who started my fascination with soulmates and destiny and fate and shit like that#you know it's funny i mention that because he also started writing about that!!!!! in his songs!!! crazy#and he talks about the person making it hard for him to sleep and wanting to meet them in his dreams again and whathaveyou#i mean even in his two newest title tracks he says 'i'm frustrated in the studio the only melody that comes out is for you' and#'i want to turn everything about you into a song' in the newest one... hm.#and btw he announced his album right when i admitted i was in love with him again to my family (they know my insanity LMAO)#and he releases a song about being happy and in love and listening for someone's voice from far away to reach him/vice versa?????#right when i get back into him???#it's my fave color & his fave color & he's releasing it in my birth month like. i know billions of coincidences are a thing but it's crazy
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savage-rhi · 1 year
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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royposting · 1 year
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also unrelated but i think the major component to this whole thing is that lesbians grow up knowing we will likely die alone. like there are so so so few of us, and then you put that with the regular relationship requirements - mutual attraction, sex drive, matching lifestyle etc - and we all know we will most likely die alone.
OSA women have always been told that those things dont matter much (or youre just a picky nagging woman who dont understand men) along with the plethora of avalible men. theyve never had to accept or considered that they can end up alone. and thats why theyre feeling so upset rn.
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antarcticajoy · 1 year
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you know what I'd love? If someone would just choose me for once
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u know I'm used to only being able to rely on myself when it comes to any difficulties in my life so whatever but also I wish I didn't have to be
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cutearose · 2 years
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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for
#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help#so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track#n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all#i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone#but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement#i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past#i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired#i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them#bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant#my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip#especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all#but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me#but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn#but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap#posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public#i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this#n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway#n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me#i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point#idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway#like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff#these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help#i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help#love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao#anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.
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crystalkitty1220 · 1 year
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mustard.
What am I Iooking at here
#i was just at the worst junior prom in my life#which isn't saying alot because ive only been to two junior proms#but god this one was so much worse than the one i was at the other night#yknow those parts of songs everyone sings along to? like how in sweet caroline it goes ''BUM BUM BUM''?#the dj would cut out the songs right at that moment. i think he was expecting people to sing along? but it just went#''SWEET CAROLINE'' *dead silence* *song continues*#i knew nobody. almost everyone my 'date' knew hated his guts.#there was nowhere away from the music. it was only one area (a courtyard) with no other rooms and barely any seats. i hate loud noises.#everyone looked so bored or so resentful. everyone was either wearing a funeral suit or the shortest dress i'd ever seen#I was uncomfortable with the slit in my dress but then I saw how the longest one anyone else had only went to their knees?#i mean i still wish i wore my other outfit and my jacket but at least i was somehow the most covered.#there were fireworks. i hate loud noises.#me and my friend both agreed that the junior proms would be so much better if we just went to the first one and skipped the second.#actually it wasn't all bad. there was a fountain that was was actually just a fancy kiddie pool with candles floating in it.#peak of the night right there.#also my hand started feeling better so that's good as well.#and at one point afterwords my mom said ''i wouldn't be surprised if you were slightly on the autism spectrum''#????????? slightly??????????? also how did she not already know? literally everyone else knows already. and she's literally my mother.#and i ended up ranting to her about my health anxiety#and then i started ranting about other anxiety and how i'm the therapist friend of a lot of people#and that led to how i'm constantly in a panic that something horrible is happening to my friends and i can't help them#and that led to Girlfriend List Dude who would repeatedly pretend that something horrible would happen to him#and when he messaged back ten minutes later ''that's exactly how i wanted you to react. i was testing to see if you're really my friend''#and i would never think 'causing me to cry and panic as a test is a pretty dick move' but nowadays it's all i think about#very off-topic now. gonna stop typing.#sorry you got all these tags in response to mustard. i don't have a therapist and havent seen a real doctor since maybe sixth grade
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hobisexually · 2 years
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#hello it’s your weekly scheduled trauma dump on tungle dot com!#I never knew how to explain why I don’t like the holidays right#because yes! I’m full of love and warmth and want to celebrate nice times with the people I love! absolutely#and I like the coziness and the everything#but Monday it was Sinterklaas and it used to be my favourite holiday of them all#it truly makes me feel like a kid and I used to hold on to this holiday with my tiny fists SO tightly because it was just. pure joy.#minus the racism re: piet obviously that’s a whole other can of worms I won’t get into rn#but this Monday it all exploded because of my dad and it was truly a throwback to my entire teenage years#and how it was all about appearances and pleasing anyone but me only to sit in a car and think about how fake it all is and how#that love isn’t. felt. not really. it’s always been about unspoken pain hè projects onto everyone else without respecting your boundaries#and I just can’t do it anymore and this time I set a firm hard no and his temper tantrum led to my mum choosing him over me EVEN THOUGH#THEY ARE LITERALLY DIVORCED??????????#‘amber hes crying it’s heartbreaking you’re coming’#yeah well I was also crying at WORK by myself where it is of the UTMOST importance to me they don’t know about any of this#but no no this whole grown man who is in a fucked situation with his family OF HIS OWN UNDOING is who we’re choosing instead of your child#I went! I put on my big girl pants and went and said hi to his family and was more than civil and celebrated with the kids#but it cost me so much. and for the first time ever I saw exactly how much it really cost me#I spent three whole days trying to set a boundary and stand up for myself only for it to be discarded because my No doesn’t matter ever#then I was so stressed i broke my own body in an attempt trying to be civil like my entire cheek is swollen from biting it I literally#haven’t been able to eat properly since Tuesday. my stomach hurts. my headache hasn’t gone. and I am so so so tired I fell asleep at 7pm#and I’ve been white as a sheet everyone at work could tell something was wrong but they didn’t know What exactly#and just. the contact with this man. I can’t keep doing it not when it does /this/ to me#I can’t even properly explain what it’s like or what happens. just that I can’t do it anymore because it’s tearing me apart and it actively#holds me back? I spent the past four years in therapy talking about and trying to fix everything he instilled in me but is holding me back#in my life. in my relationships. in my work. in the way I look at /myself/#I can’t keep surviving I have to start living#and it’s ALWAYS worse around the holidays. the worst fights and nights of my life have been during the holidays#I am thirty years old and I was suddenly a fifteen year old this week who desperately needed help but wasn’t getting it#and I refuse to live like that ever again. I’m done. I’m done!#and it’s deeply sad and upsetting but we can’t fix this. we just can’t.
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