#(andrew sighing but still going with him and matt to see it)

[ifitmeanslosingyouthenno]

hold on (you must be hurting)

day 15 whumptober prompt: childhood trauma | painful hug | “i did good right?”

david was tired of his kids having to confess their darkest secrets for the entire world to judge and know and scrutinize

first it was the twins during aaron's trial, now it was neil for nathan's

it was fucking unfair to have his kids have to relieve their nightmares for the sake of proving they were only trying to save themselves

at least, with the twins, they had their small and unconventional family, they had nicky, they had their respective partners, they had betsy (andrew had betsy)

david could at least breathe knowing that they had someone to rely on, someone who could hold them up when they felt like falling, someone who could get them back together after it was over

after aaron was declared innocent thank fuck

david can't have the same reassurance about neil

not after his resident danger magnet decided he didn't want anyone with him during the trials up in dc, not even andrew

something that andrew obviously didn't appreciate

but david tried to understand him, even if his motives are stupid, tried to understand how hard it is for him to relieve every one of his father's crimes he remembered, tried to understand how he didn't want them to look at him and see his father, or worse, see his father's son

he was going to be there for the kid when he got back and innevitably broke down, when he forced his exhausted body on the court to get all that stress out until he couldn't go any longer

he was going to make sure both him and andrew were okay and well and safe

at least that was his plan until the redhead himself calls him one night before he's meant to return, voice shaky and smaller than he has sounded in years

"hi coach, i know it's kinda sudden, but can you come to dc tomorrow?"

it brings back harsh memories, of a new years eve turned sour in the form of a beat up neil, of a marked neil against his will

"what time do you want me there kid?"

he says kid out of habit, but neil hasn't ever felt quite as child-like as he does when he sighs out of relief loud enough the phone picks it up

"i have to be at the court at 8"

he doesn't have to say it, david hears the "can you be here before that?"

"text me the address kid"

david just lets matt know he's going to have to act as coach and captain for tomorrow, avoids answering why, just tells matt he'll give him a bottle of whatever he wants when he gets back

he has the decency to let andrew know as well, that he's had an emergency with one of his recruits out of the state that he needs to take care of

david knows that andrew suspects something is going with neil, but is counting on his refusal to ask for things, not to mention his deep respect for neil setting a boundary

he gets two of hours of sleep at most, and leaves just at midnight, making the seven hour drive up to DC with enough coffee in his system he doesn't even feel tiredness pull at him

neil is waiting for him in the lobby of the shitty hotel they stashed him in, a couple of too obvious feds around him, failing to pretend they aren't there to protect him

it makes david's blood boil

neil looks small sitting on a too big chair, picking at his cuticles hard enough that david would bet he's bleeding

at the motion of his entrance, neil looks up, and david's heart clenches in his chest at the sight of his bloodshot eyes and the deep bags under them. he's practically swimming in andrew's oversized jersey, and despite it not making sense, he looks as if he's lost weight in the past 4 days

neil's hands are twitching, and it takes everything in david not to reach for him and hold him close, but instead he thanks his foresight of buying him a breakfast muffin and a fruitcup in a diner he found on his way, and he hands neil the takeout bag

neil takes it with shaky fingers, silent, but his eyes speak enough in his stead

david doesn't push him

"i see the feds still suck at blending in"

that brings the smallest of smiles to neil's face, and he opens the takeout bag, staring at the muffin and the diced fruit with eyes bright and emotional, before taking a deep breath

"tell me what i've missed"

it's the only words neil speaks the entire time they're in that hotel lobby or on the ride over to the court, but david is more than happy to distract him with talks of practice the last 4 days

he makes sure to also let him know about how andrew and his foxes have been doing, about how they've been safe

the next thing he knows, they're entering a courtroom, mood somber and cold and wary

david sees the change in neil, sees the way he doesn't seem like he's there at all, but somewhere else entirely, and he talks over the things he's been and the horrors he's lived through as if they happened to someone else, as if it doesn't affect him still

if nathan wesnisnki and his circle weren't dead, nothing would stop david from going after them himself, not after everything they put neil through, not after they hurt him as bad as they did, not after they tortured him as a literal fucking child

he can't ever imagine being so cruel, being such a fucking piece of trash as a human, that you willingly abuse and torture and almost kill your own fucking child

he wouldn't imagine killing your child's mother in front of them, just for daring to want to get a chance at a better life, away from violence and crime and everything the wesninski and moriyama families did

(even if to david's knowledge, mary hatford was no saint either)

he's shaking with anger once they let neil walk off that stand, looking defeated and half gone and suffering

he wants nothing more than to jump that wooden barrier and get to neil’s side as he sits by the fbi agents protecting him

he has to stop breathing when almost shily, neil looks up and searches for david's gaze, meeting his eyes just enough that his shoulder lower oh so minutely, but it's everything

they go on a break, one where neil silently sits curled up in the corner of the bathroom, one of his guards with his back to the door, and one of david's cigarettes clutched tightly between shaky fingers

david himself aches for one, but he knows neil needs them more than him, even if he doesn't actually smoke them

from then on, neil is only called up to the stand one last time, and he looks so bone deep exhausted david is trembling with rage

how dare they make his kid tell them all of this again? hasn't he been through enough? hasn't he told them enough? what more could they possibly need?

and how dare they demand this from him?

by the time they let him stand, his legs are shaking so bad he stumbles once and has to catch himself on the stand, leaving the judge to stare at him with pity

where was that pity when they were forcing him to retell the worst moments of his life?

the moment the judge announces that nathan wesninski is found guilty of first degree murder of at least 34 people, at least the same amount of kidnappings, torture, fraud, withholding information from a federal investigation, and many other things, david is sprinting towards the flimsy doors separating him from his kid

he has no idea what neil needs right now, but whatever it is, he's going to be by his fucking side, he's not letting these bastards torture him any longer

neil is looking for david too, and it makes something in him break when he looks at those eyes brimming with tears

neil surprises him when he throws himself at david's chest, all but collapsing with his arms around his waist before david can even blink

neil josten is hugging him

neil josten who once upon a time flinched away from him when he moved too fast, neil josten who has the worst things in life associated to men old enough to be his father, neil josten who has never seeked out support this explicitly

the same neil, his neil

it's not until he notices neil's shuddering breaths, that he breaks out of his shock, and pushes past the discomfort, pushes past his own walls, pushes past his hurt, and he throws his arms over neil's shoulders as gently as he can

he feels neil trembling, doesn't know if it's out of grief, or pain, or shock, but he does his best to be what he needs, awkwardly soothing him with gentle movements

it doesn't last more than a minute or two, before neil is pushing away softly, gathering his strength to stand up on his own, breathing steady despite it all

his voice remains soft, softer than david has come to associate with him, closer to a whisper than anything else, and neil can't quite stop the waver in it

"i did good right?"

and david wants to scream, wants to curse the world who has hurt his kid so badly, wants to scream at the fbi for being unable to find proof of everything that bastard ever did before it was this late, wants to scream at them for not protecting neil sooner

he takes a deep breath and doesn't do any of that, doesn't let his expression be true

he places a hand on neil's shoulder, easing some more of that tension off his small frame

"yes you did kid, i'm really proud of you, you know?"

neil doesn't quite smile, but his eyes finally soften, finally ease

david doesn't understand how anyone could never hurt his children

because they were his, even if he didn't dare admit it, even if some were the biggest assholes on the planet, even if some were problematic beyond repair, even if some just couldn't stop themselves from tauting the literal fucking mafia

they were his children, david's, and he would rather chop off his own hands than hurt them

he would give his own life to keep them safe

he would do anything for them

"come on kid, let's go home"

(he would never admit that his bond to neil was different than that with anyone else, not even to himself)

idc if it's ooc for neil to hug wymack, they're father and son to me and neil wants to hug wymack and who am i to stop him, you can pry dadmack from the cold hands of my corpse title from son by palace (hugely recommend it for the purpose of this day's vibes)

[otdiaftg]

The King's Men - Chapter Fourteen (16)

Day: Tuesday, March 12th / 13th* Time: 4:55 PM EST

Neil would have stalled, but Andrew grows tired of waiting on him. He motions for Neil to follow and leaves in search of Kevin. Neil swallows a sigh and goes after him. He braces for his teammates' reactions when he steps into the kitchen with all his injuries bared. Nicky flinches and looks away, whereas Aaron surveys the damage with keen interest. Dan opens her mouth but catches herself in the nick of time. Matt goes from shock to anger in a nanosecond, and Allison averts her gaze as quickly as she can. Renee watches her friends with a smile on her lips and a calm stare, ready to intervene if one of them breaks their word. Kevin is the first and only to do so, and his reaction is predictable. "Can you play?" "Yes," Neil says, before anyone can tear into Kevin. "It's going to hurt, and if the Bearcats get too rough next week I'll have some problems, but I still have my grip." He makes a fist at Kevin as proof and carefully does not wince at the tearing feeling along his knuckles. "I'll just be extra careful." "Absolutely not," Dan says. "You're not playing. You think Coach will let you on the court when you look like that? I'll sub in for you, Neil. Renee can help Allison out one more time, right?" She looks to Renee long enough to see Renee's nod. "Trust us to hold the line. You focus on healing so we can use you in semifinals." Neil's first instinct is to argue and to call unfair, to say he hadn't survived his father and Lola's abuse just to sit out, to protest that they need all the help he can get. Then he looks down at his arms and takes a realistic assessment of his chances. It is disappointing to know she is right, but somehow it is still okay. "I trust you," he says. "Thank you."

Art used with permission by Karasawr. Thank you @karasawr!

*Due to the Leap Year, I have opted to highlight the day rather than the date to keep the events in occurrence to the 2007 year. I will continue to mark both days accordingly.

[ok555ficideas]

Every step of the way

Neil was lying on Andrew’s bed in Columbia with the blonde hovering above him. They were kissing and Neil couldn’t imagine wanting to be anywhere else.

It was a summer break between Neil’s second and third year. The girls were gone and next year it would be Kevin and Matt and in two years Neil would be left completely alone.

Well, maybe not completely. He had his younger teammates and although he grew fond of some of them it wasn’t the same.

Andrew must have noticed his distraction, because he bit him gently on his bottom lip. That successfully brought Neil’s attention back to the task at hand.

Andrew trailed his hands lower and started to lift Neil’s shirt. Neil froze and opened his eyes.

“Wait.” He said desperately.

Andrew froze and looked ready to bolt, but Neil stopped him.

“No, don’t go, just-” He paused and looked at Andrew shyly. “Could you not take my shirt off?”

Andrew sighed in what seemed like relief at that. Neil didn’t blame him. Usually he didn’t care about someone seeing his scars, but today he felt differently.

Andrew’s reaction cemented Neil’s insecurities. He was so stupid. He should have seen it sooner. Andrew probably never wanted to see his scars, but didn’t want to hurt Neil’s feelings. He suddenly didn't feel like doing anything at all and Andrew must have noticed his change of heart.

He took his weight off of Neil and Neil wanted to cry. He loved being under Andrew. It brought him comfort and he felt safe. He didn’t know how to communicate that to the blonde. After all, why would Andrew want to touch him if it wasn’t for sex. he started to wonder why would Andrew even want to touch him at all.

Neil felt attraction differently than other people. For him it was only Andrew and it had less to do with his looks and more with the way Neil felt around him.

It was different for Andrew. He found people attractive the normal way.

“Your way is normal too.” Renee’s voice scolded him in his head, but Neil was too far into his spiral.

There was a comforting pressure on the back of his neck and he instantly relaxed.

“Talk.” Andrew demanded.

“You don’t have to ever take my shirt off.” Neil whispered. The hand on his neck tensed a little.

“Do you not want me to?”

Neil could have taken the easy way out. Say that that was it and Andrew wouldn’t ask any more questions. Neil took a deep breath and decided to be brave.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to. It’s that you don’t have to force yourself. I know it’s not exactly a pretty sight.” He finished by gesturing to his middle.

“You’re talking about your scars.” Andrew said.

Neil nodded.

“I love your scars.” Andrew said earnestly.

Neil looked at him with so much disbelief. Andrew was not a liar, Neil didn’t understand why he would start now.

“You don’t have to lie to me, I know they are disgusting.”

“They’re not disgusting.” Andrew said and Neil raised his brow at that. “I’m not claiming that they're pretty, but they’re not disgusting. They’re just scars.”

“Yet you claim to love them.”

“They’re the reason, I know it’s you.” Andrew said lower than before. Neil’s confusion must have shown on his face, because the blonde continued. “When I need a reminder that it’s you all I have to do is look or touch your scars and I know.” Andrew said, trailing the two scars on Neil’s cheek with his fingers. “They remind me that I’m safe.” He whispered.

Neil didn’t even realize when he started crying, but he felt his cheeks being wet with tears. Andrew brought his other hand to Neil’s face and started wiping them away.

“Why were you relieved?” Neil aksed. “When I said to not take my shirt off, why were you relieved?”

“Sometimes I’m scared that you’re going to let me cross your boundaries without me realizing. It’s nice to know you’re actually capable of saying ‘no’.” Andrew said while still holding Neil’s face in his hands as if Neil was something precious.

“Could you-? Neil wanted to ask Andrew to hold him, but was afraid that he would cross the blonde’s boundaries.

“Neil, you can ask me anything. I’m not going to say yes every time, but you’re allowed to ask for what you want.” Andrew whispered into the almost non-existent space between them.

Neil took a deep breath and looked into the eyes of the man in front of him. “Could you hold me?” He asked with a shaking voice.

“Yes.” Andrew said and positioned them so Neil’s back was flush with Andrew’s chest.

Neil relaxed and felt all the tension leaving his body. He didn’t even realize how much he craved to be touched so casually. Not like a means to an end, but just to be close to someone. Close to Andrew.

He closed his eyes and fell asleep almost immediately. Tomorrow he would wake up without Andrew’s warmth against him. The blonde was not yet comfortable enough to actually fall asleep while in physical contact with someone, but that was okay. They were getting there. Slowly, but surly.

They had all the time in the world to heal, the most important thing was that they would be there for each other, every step of the way.

[orange-foxes]

BAMF Neil

🤜🤛 Deadly Affections by NikNak22 (12k)

Neil Josten is not soft- has never been in fact. But when an unintended comment from one of the Foxes throws Neil for a loop, he finds himself reminding them why no one should think of him in that way. But why is Andrew suddenly so distant? And what happens when all of these reminders of his past start to catch up with him? Aka: all the times Neil proved he was a badass, and Andrew reminds him he's an idiot.

🤜🤛 thorn in my skin by ephemeralsky (6k)

These days, both of them are able to sleep on the same bed without any weapons underneath their pillows and on their person, and Andrew is not sure what he wants to do with this knowledge. They have poured years into forging their armors, and now they are stripping them, piece by tattered piece. (or: the five weapons Neil has at his disposal + the one weapon he wields without knowing it)

🤜🤛 The Nameless Monster by kanekicure (108k)

Nathaniel Wesninski wants nothing more than to see his father dead and buried. But when his father promises him the title of The Butcher, Nathaniel quickly realizes that his destiny of following in his father's footsteps is closer than ever before. So of course, when he gets forced to go undercover for the Baltimore police, he starts seeing what living could truly be. - Andrew Minyard is a newly recruited police officer for the worst precinct in Baltimore, who is dedicated on hunting down the notorious Butcher and his unnamed underling. But when Neil Josten is thrown into his midst as his civilian consultant; he starts to realize some things don't quite appear as they seem.

🤜🤛 Walk a Little Lighter by jjmash (5k)

Five times Neil Josten took care of shit, and the one time he didn't have to. *** Wymack looks between Neil’s overly-innocent expression and the spot on the floor where Jack is curled into the fetal position. “Uh huh. You gonna tell me he did that to himself?” Neil crosses his arms. “It’s entirely possible.”

🤜🤛 the ash is in our clothes by Klanceyschmancy (12k)

A continuation of the Neil and Aaron fight, Aaron walks in on Andreil and things blow up. Aaron still doesn’t trust Neil, he probably never will, but he’s learning to trust Andrew. With the help of both katelyn and surprisingly, Neil, he learns to talk to Andrew and let him in. One step at a time. Aaron and Neil fight. Katelyn and Aaron talk. Andrew and Aaron talk. Aaron and Neil talk. Matt and Neil talk. A lot of talking goes on. In this fic. Hashing things out. And then Neil’s pov of being walked in on and how Andrew and Neil deal with it.

🤜🤛 pieces of me line the pavement (my blood soaks the cracks in the road) by CuteLittleMousie (8k, series)

Andrew had no doubt that if he’d killed Drake of his own accord, with his own weapons, watching the blood flow wouldn’t have been nearly as sweet. Sharing that was vulnerable. It was dangerous. But then again, so was Neil. --- or; andrew and neil meet while neil is still on the run. it changes nothing and it changes everything.

🤜🤛 Armies by nekojita (342k)

Upon Mary Hatford's death, Nathaniel Wesninski makes the call to his uncle Stuart rather than continuing on the run and ending up in Milport, Nevada. Upon graduating university, Andrew Minyard turns down all offers of a professional Exy career and muddles through a 'normal' life, until the boredom and inanity of it all wears him down and he accepts an offer of a break to spend some time with his cousin Nicky in Stuttgart, Germany. There he meets Abram Hatford, a handsome and broken young man who has more in common with Andrew than he suspects, and nothing's normal anymore.

🤜🤛 Neil Josten's Guide to Not Giving a Shit by Savagetoyolo (31k)

Neil Josten sighed as he looked at the black sky. His cigarette burned down to the filter as he took one drag out of it after letting it burn. He didn't want the nicotine, only the familier ache in his heart that came with the smell. The ghost of death and unfairness creeps up on him. Aka the one where Neil is a baddass but also kind of tired and just done with life and people. And Kevin's shit. The Moriyama's are dicks who Neil isn't afraid of and he killed his father before he went to Millport. I suck at summaries lol A lot of it is taken from canon, all unchanged content credit goes to Nora Sakavic

🤜🤛 it takes two (but you and i are one) by kairospy (14k)

Sometimes, not often — not enough for it to be concerning — he felt too much like him. Andrew noticed the very moment Nathaniel walked into the locker room. :*:*: Nathaniel Wesninski had been dormant for too long.

[itscloudsocks]

Kevin and Oakley pt. 1

Looking back, Kevin really doesn´t know how he´s still alive. College has been a total shitshow; Kevin can see that now, almost seven years after graduating. Some of the stuff Neil pulled definitely should've gotten them killed. But hey, Kevin is not one to complain, he´s not sure where he would´ve been without the Foxes. Feeling sentimental, Kevin drops his phone on the counter and turns towards his cup of coffee. Every now and then he misses college - not the classes or the campus life, but the quiet evenings he spent with Neil and Andrew on the couch or the shopping trips with Matt, Allison and Nicky.

Now, all of the foxes are spread out in the world: Nicky is in Germany with Erik and their son, Aaron and Katelyn are both hard at work saving people, Dan and Matt are back in Palmetto, raising their kids while Dan has taken over a little leagues team, Renee is with the peace corps and Allison is somewhere in New York. Andrew and Neil live in and play for Michigan, they´ve just bought a house a few years ago and are living the successful-partners dream. And then there´s Kevin.

At 30 years old he´s still living alone. He has nothing besides Exy and the cream coloured hunk of a cat currently laying ontop of his fridge. She's been given as a present from Neil and Andrew who had blatantly lied when telling Kevin that the little kitten probably wouldn't get that big. Now, two years later she´s outgrown most cat beds he bought and prefers sleeping on his spare pillow on his bed. That doesn´t change the fact that Kevin, despite everything, loves her to pieces.

“Get down there, lady, you´ve already had breakfast.”

Lady just blinks at him, meows and lazily takes a swing in his general direction, missing by miles. With a sigh, Kevin puts his cup away and raises his arms towards her, quietly asking her to get down from the fridge. She in return reaches for his hand and starts nibbling on his finger. Defeated, Kevin accepts his fate and stays where he is standing, hand raised and with his coffee just out of reach. Instead, he lets his eyes wander, taking in the boxes of tupperware and kitchen utensils still unpacked and waiting in a corner of the room.

Kevin moved almost a year ago but for some reason he doesn´t dare to fully unpack. The breakup with Thea happened just shortly after he had graduated, just three months after he had moved in with her. It´s been a sudden, painful event; Thea had ripped the bandaid off but didn´t think of Kevin´s attachment issues. Moving back in with his father and Abby at 25 definitely was not something Kevin expected to happen.

Lady´s sharp teeth digging into the palm of his hand finally rips Kevin out of his thoughts for long enough to get moving. Scolding his cat gently, he pulls his hand away, offering once more to get her down. When she doesn´t react, he leaves her in favor of finishing his coffee and getting ready to leave his home-not-hom.

Reaching for the electric razor sitting on the little ledge beneath the mirror, Kevin shaves off the shadow of stubbles covering his cheeks. He's pretty sure he could grow a decent beard if David´s beard is anything to go by, but it´d be a change he´s not ready for yet. Changes in general are not something Kevin likes to go through, especially alone. Back in college it has been easier because there´s always been someone to catch him in one way or the other but now he's alone and away from his family so changes in any shape or form are something he turns away from.

His hair has gotten longer again - it´s time for a haircut - but the strands of dark hair framing his face take some of the attention from the tattoo beneath his eye so he might just leave it. After washing his face and brushing his teeth, Kevin deems himself presentable enough for practice. Today´s gym day anyways and the rest of the team doesn´t pay him too much attention so he doesn´t bother putting his hair back in something neater than a low ponytail before getting dressed in sweatpants and the blue and grey jersey of the Chicago Scorpions. His gym back is already packed and waiting in the hallway. Lady apparently considers this a pillow worthy enough for her majesty to lay on because she´s curled up inside the bag, tail hanging over the edge and large head resting on her crossed front paws.

“I can´t take you with me, you know that. I´ll be back in the afternoon, promise.” Lady just purrs and rubs her head against the towel she´s laying on, making Kevin soft enough to kneel down and rub her ear. The low rumble coming from her chest instantly make Kevin´s shoulders lose the unnoticed tension holding them up.

“I know sweetheart.” Kevin would die on the spot if anyone heard him right now. “I´ll be back before you know it.”

Kevin knows that once he´s out of the door, Lady almost instantly curls up somewhere and just sleeps until he´s back, but leaving his silky soft sweetheart behind, even if just for a few hours, leaves him feeling restless and on edge. With an aching heart he scoops Lady up in his arms, lightly rubs his cheek against her head before letting her back down on the ground. Before she can slip back into his gym bag, he zips it closed and lifts it up over one shoulder.

“Behave, you know the rules.”

Lady meows an answer, rubs around his legs while he slips in to his shoes and sits next to the door until it closes in front of her.

The drive over to the gym is a relatively quick one, traffic is bad but Kevin knows to leave a bit earlier just to get through it. Once he enters the gym through the court entrance, he´s immediately greated by warm, sticky air, laughter and Dalton´s obnoxiously loud music. The urge to turn around and just call in sick is quickly suffocated at it´s root when Dalton notices Kevin, drops the ropes he´s been holding and comes over. He´s already sweaty and gross, grinning while out of breath, and wraps an arm around Kevin´s shoulder, pulling him in close to squish their cheeks together.

“Kevin, light of my life. Oh how I´ve missed you, my-”

“Shut the fuck up,” grumbles Kevin, rolling his eyes while slapping Dalton´s hand away. “You stink.”

“And you´re late,” Dalton notices.

“I´m perfectly on time. It´s not my problem you´re addicted to lifting weights.”

“You can just admit your jealousy, Day.”

“Jealous of what? Your inability to buy normal shirts? I don´t think so.”

Snorting, Dalton shrugs and pats Kevin´s shoulder.

“Go get changed so you can spot me.”

Shaking his head, Kevin wanders off into the locker rooms to change into his gym clothes. While he´s warming up, the rest of the team slowly sneaks in, all holding varying phases of sleepiness in their slumped shoulders and sleep-swollen eyes. Their coach doesn´t usually join their gym sessions, trusting Isaac Wilson - team captain and kind of a jerk - to take attendance and take care of the rest. Wilson, of course, is nowhere to be seen. If he joins them at all, he´ll be late and most likely take the list of attendance he forced Nellie Jakobsen to check off.

Nellie is too new - and too kind - to be able to say no to Wilson and Wilson is too much of a dickhead to not take advantage of that. Speaking of the devil, Nellie steps up on the mat next to Kevin, reaches for a couple of weights and starts her exercises. Kevin continues his sit-ups, trying to not pay the young woman shooting him glance after glance any mind. It's not that easy though, when you're looking at the same mirror. At one point, Nellie must ́ve worked up the courage to say whatever there is to say because she turns, takes a little step towards Kevin and clears her throat.

“Uh…hi,” she smiles, her already rosy cheeks only deepening in colour.

“Hey,” replies Kevin, coming to a pause in his movements. “What´s up?”

“Uh…Chase and my sister and I wanted to go to the history museum later today and Dalton mentioned that you like history so we - I uh, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to join us?"

Blinking, Kevin tried to organize her nervous mumbling into understandable sentences in his head. Chase is Nellie's cousin and he's never met her sister in his life. He doesn't like meeting new people, he doesn't like going to places he's not been to before, not without planning and at least two days of overthinking it.

But then again, if Dalton knows about Nellie's plan, he'll annoy Kevin once he hears that Kevin said no. The fact that Kevin's social life is pretty much non-existent is already one of the biggest topic of Dalton's teasing, he doesn't need to pour gasoline into the fire.

Get out there Kevin. If it's no fun you can leave and if you're having a good time you can be even prouder of yourself to going through with it.

Of course Abby is the voice of reason in his head. Just because he can't say no to her.

"Uh...sure….yeah, sounds good."

[siriusblackisdead]

The foxes ice skating

Neil

While Neil’s skating abilities are NOT olympic-worthy, his balance is unbelievably strong and thanks to that he would be able to skate good enough for the other foxes to ask him where he learned it.

He would enjoy it SO much that the foxes decided to go to the nearest ice rink every weekend during winter, which made Kevin have about fifteen temper tantrums (not like anyone cared much) about how they had to be preparing for the championships and how much of a stupid thing ice skating was (he just couldn’t stay in a vertical position on the ice for more than 30 seconds). They still went every Saturday tho.

Neil would also make the most out of pocket “jokes” (trauma dumping) such as ‘well skating is surely easier than having to run and drive a car with a knife in the stomach being followed by the people of your murderous serial killer father’ or when he would fall and someone would ask him if he was okay he would be like ‘oh yeah it definitely hurts less than that time when my father decided to burn my skin off with a flatiron’. The foxes would be terrified. Andrew would sigh every time (he loves his boyfriend so much)

Andrew

He would not like the ice but he likes Neil so he’d end up on the ice anyway

His skating abilities are not a total disaster but since he’s a little scared of losing his balance he is not very stable, so they always hold hands with Neil (they act like it’s purely of romantic reasons but 80% of it is just Andrew holding onto Neil for dear life)

He would always wear a green hat Neil had bought him (Kevin and Nicky would find it oh so amusing until Andrew colored half of their wardrobe green while they were on a training (there is no way Neil had helped him not at all)

Kevin

A fucking TERRIBLE skater. Every time he would step on ice it would be a fight for life and for the first time in his life he would NOT be winning. The foxes would give him so much shit for it and he would hate it (but he would still go because he would see Neil smiling and being happy and careless and Kevin would love to see that boy finally happy that he just couldn’t NOT go)

Aaron

Aaron would not like skating but would have to put up with it because if he didn’t he would be the only one left out (Katelyn made him)

He would hold hands with Katelyn and hold onto her for support just like Neil and Andrew and when they find out they are both furious. Neil and Katelyn find it hilarious.

He would try to trip Kevin (every time he would manage to stay standing for the shortest moment at least) and would mostly success, even though in the end he would most of the time fall with him as well (Katelyn somehow manages to let go of his hand every time (such bad luck isn’t it) (now for real she is a little devil and enjoys seeing Aaron fall. There is just something so funny about him cursing in both English and German as he tries to find out which leg is his and which is Kevin’s. She still helps him stand up (mostly))

Nicky

He would be actually so good at it but he would be so scared of falling that he would refuse to let go of the glasses at the sides of the rink for the first few times

Then Allison would grow tired of it and would take Nicky’s skating into her hands

It would be an exhausting and traumatizing experience but in the end he would be able to stand on the ice like a decent human being and after an hour or so he would remember everything he learned in Germany with Erik (Allison would be pretty angry when she found out he already knew how to skate and was just a ‘scared little whining child’ as she called him)

After that he would be some of the best ones among the foxes

Matt & Dan

I believe that when Matt was still living with his mother, he was playing hockey as a hobby and he actually used to love it so much until his father decided to fuck him up and he left the hockey team

So he would be good at it and he and Dan would make the biggest power couple out there since Matt used to go skating sometimes in his free time after leaving his father and would teach Dan how to play hockey, which she found just as interesting as Matt and enjoyed it just the same.

They would be those people who you are afraid to step on a same rink with, scared of being ran over by their speed (they never ran anyone over tho (or not by accident))

Allison

When she was little her parents made her train as a professional ice skater and she would show off her abilities as much as she could (no way she was trying to amaze Renee no it wouldn’t be that no way)

She would be able to do every spin known to man but could not jump for the sake of her life which made her furious (especially because of Jean)

She would try to teach Dan some steps but would soon give up and help Renne stand instead

Renee

She would be actually quite good for standing on ice the first time in her life

Like it would not be perfect but she could at least stand alone and wouldn’t need to hold Allison’s hand the whole time (Allison totally mocks Andrew and Aaron about it every time they meet. “You both are SO lame just look at my fucking wife and see how it’s supposed to be done, like in a year or so she could go to the Olympics while you both will still be here falling on your asses every time Katelyn or Neil let go of you, so pathetic…” and Renne would smile and blush every time)

She would be the one person that would help you stand up every time you fall (even Kevin) but would trip Aaron only because she can (he would never find out it was her and that’s the best part about it all)

Jean

Because yes I’m totally counting Jean in he would go with them argue with the wall

He would be the BEST ice skater ever seen to man

That man could go to Olympics the next Monday and win and do one would be surprised

Before he was sent (sold) to the Moriyamas he was training to be an ice skater and he loved everything about it. He planned a whole future, decided that he would go pro one day and did everything to achieve that (only to get that dream destroyed by exy (he actually hated exy first because of that but grew fond of after accepting the fact that his ice skating dream was never going to happen)

He would be SO good at jumps and would do them as if they were nothing and would grin at Allison every time he effortlessly did one (she would curse at him every time and have a smaller temper tantrum and Andrew would start joking about how she is starting to turn into another Kevin)

He would also teach is boyfriend (Jeremy) and after a few weeks of watching Kevin die again every week he would try and teach the bastard too, which finally strengthened up their friendship (and saved Kevin)

[thornilee013]

WIP Wednesday 10.4.2024

Hello and welcome to another week of Work-in-Progress (WIP) Wednesday, a lovely challenge started by @/kedreeva .

As always, feel free to send in multiple requests, even if it's for the same draft! But keep in mind that that's just how I operate, and that this is not part of the official WW rules/etiquette! (aka please don't assume everyone is as desperate as me)

***PLEASE SEND THINGS IN. THIS IS LITERALLY THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEK. YOU WILL NEVER ANNOY ME AND IN FACT I DARE YOU TO TRY TO ANNOY ME***

Official rules for those who are new:

In a reblog of this post (so people can find you in the notes) or new thread (w/ rules attached) if you want to play on your own, post up to five (5) filenames of your WIPs; not titles, file names. Post a snippet from one of them. Snippet must be words you wrote in the last 7 days. We’re posting progress here. If you haven’t made any, go make some and come back to play! After you’ve posted, people can send you an ask with one of your file names. You must then write 3 sentences in that file. If the filename is one you can't share from (for example, an event or gift fic), write 3 sentences on it anyway, and then 3 more on another to share. That’s it! You can invite others to join in, or just post. I’ll be searching the reblogs to find people to send asks to! If you’re reading this, you’re invited! If you see someone posting a WIP Wednesday Game snippet, send them an ask! Make them write.

Prompts that I'm offering this week:

1. Silly Little Jean Moreau Fic 2. TLC 3. 101 Ways not to Say I Do 4. Needle AU (CW: posts may contain mentions of self harm, wound infections, and stalking) 5. Pride Zine (AKA, I write three new sentences on my zine pieces, then pick a random project to add three sentences to for a post! Might bring the dice back again this week, or if you're a regular I'll pick one of the ones I know you like c;)

Progress from this last week below the cut: A combined and collected selection of posts from 101!

"We should probably let people know, right?" Neil said as he fell back onto the couch after pulling his sweatpants back on. Andrew was already lounging on the couch, running his fingertips along the inside of his palm in a desperate attempt to replicate the sensation of holding a cigarette. Maybe a few years ago Neil would have allowed him a cheat day, but they had gotten rid of every last pack in the condo*.

Andrew shrugged in response, his pupils still blown wide and his lips still reddened. "Probably."

"Come on. You don't want Aaron to hear about this from Nicky. I can call him if you want, and you can call Renee."

"No," Andrew said, leaning back to fish his phone out of his pocket. "I'll call Aaron. And Renee. I don't think you'd want me to be the one to call Matt."

Neil wasn't about to disagree. He sighed and pulled out his own phone to dial Matt's number.

-

Nicky didn't reemerge from the guest bedroom until the next morning, or at least, that was the next time that Andrew and Neil spotted him.

Thankfully, their morning the next day had been more or less typical; Neil had gone on his morning run and Andrew had gone back to sleep after Neil's alarm had gone off. By the time Nicky finally came out of the guest room, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, Neil and Andrew were already on their second cup of coffee.

"Aaron called me at nine last night," he said while trying (and failing) to stifle a yawn. "Couldn't you two have waited to tell the others until I was awake? Damn, I need coffee. Please tell me you have some left."

Neil sipped at his own coffee while Andrew nodded his head in the direction of the pitcher they'd brewed that morning. "Knock yourself out."

"I'm glad to hear that you were at least slightly inconvenienced by your own actions," Neil added.

"Ha ha," Nicky said while making his way to the coffee machine. "I'm so glad to see that that classic Josten charm hasn't faded over the years."

Andrew shot Nicky a look that prompted him to lift up his hands in a mock surrender.

"Come on, I can't keep my sarcasm concealed before I've had a cup of coffee, you know this, Andrew."

"Then start drinking," Andrew responded.

[cacowhistle]

i haven't posted like any fic in forever and that's mostly bc i haven't written any that i'm satisfied with. in the meantime tho, have a weird snippet of all for the game fic that i started to try and get a handle on some of the characters. it's not finished and i won't be finishing it. but like some of it is pretty okay i think?? one of these days i'll finish another fic. today is not that day but just like imagine it for me. it's totally gonna happen.

The Foxes are losing.

Correction, Neil thinks, as he watches Matt clash with another backliner, the Foxes are self-sabotaging.

The score is one to six, Jackal’s favor, and Neil thinks Allison is about ready to storm off the court. Halftime, finally, is called as Matt throws the third punch he’s thrown all night, and Neil huffs out a sigh. He isn’t getting back on the court tonight—that’s the second yellow card.

People are attempting to pull the grappling backliners apart, but Neil doesn’t spare them much of a glance as he jogs past, racquet slung across his shoulders. He only has eyes for the bench and the goalkeeper sitting on it, fingers interlocked and elbows resting on his knees as he studies the ongoing brawl with an impassive stare. He’s interested. Hopefully that means they can salvage this.

“Andrew,” he says, stepping through the door, “stay in goal tonight.”

He looks up at Neil, looking utterly unfazed. “That’s not my job.”

Neil gives him a look, an unsubtle warning. Those never work, though—he and Andrew both know it. Words are the only thing that will get Andrew on a leash. Neil’s words. Sometimes Kevin’s, even rarer, Renee’s. Neil is the one with the highest success rate.

“Your job,” he murmurs, voice lowering as he leans in, “is to stay in goal tonight. I don’t care what the other team is saying about me. I don’t need your protection.”

Andrew scoffs. Neil swats the back of his head. Were it anyone else, they’d lose fingers, but Andrew just stares up at him, eyes flat and dark. Neil raises an eyebrow. Andrew is silent for a very long moment, before reaching up to tap the ugly scar on Neil’s cheek with his thumb. He doesn’t even blink.

“I know you don’t,” Andrew says, eyes still dark, “this’ll be much more interesting.”

There have been ugly taunts being thrown around all night. Butcher is the new nickname, the cruel, jeering jab that the opposing team has been using to try and throw Neil off his game. The worst part is, he thinks it may be working. At the very least, he got to see Kevin trip the Jackal’s dealer with his racquet “on accident” after the guy had spat out some sort of insult involving his father’s name. Neil certainly wasn’t worried about himself, though—just how Andrew would react when he finally got out on the court.

He has a vindictive, violent, protective streak. Neil isn’t stupid. One particularly nasty word with the intent to cut deep a bit too close to Andrew, and that heavy goalkeeper’s racquet is caving in a ribcage or shattering another arm. He knows that Andrew has chosen him as his mark, the thing he’ll maim for.

But Andrew trusts him. And he, however stupid it is, trusts Andrew. He’ll handle it himself, without sending someone to the hospital. Even if Andrew disagrees with the method and result, he’ll allow Neil this reclamation of power if he deems it necessary.

Neil isn’t religious, but he prays that he does anyway.

The game resumes with Andrew in goal and Nicky going on in Matt’s stead—Neil isn’t sure it’ll be much better, but at least Nicky won’t try to get the other team to punch his lights out the way Matt’s been trying to all night, with the way he’s been behaving. A sour mood, one that Neil doesn’t quite want to interpret or find out the reason for—it takes a lot to ruffle Matt’s feathers like this.

He’s grinning at them through the plexiglass, though, so maybe he was just feeling like a grade-A piece of shit tonight.

Someone yells across the court. Neil hears the word junior, and his shoulders tense. The Jackal’s goalkeeper shouts it again, grinning beneath his helmet. Neil returns his gaze with a dead-eyed stare, not moving even as Kevin claps a hand over his shoulder.

He leans in, saying only for Neil to hear: “Carve them up.”

Oh, he’ll clear through them like a cleaver.

He makes it to half-court and wastes no time as soon as the buzzer’s gone off. Off like a shot, he races down the court—the backliners will handle the incoming strikers, and there’s the deafening crack of Andrew sending a shot down the court—a confirmation of Neil’s confidence that tonight will turn around. His mark is practically right on his heels, but he manages to snatch the rebound out of the air and pivot away, just as the backliner swings his racquet and smashes against his with enough force to send a rattle of pain all the way up his forearms. Neil doesn’t let go—but the ball goes flying. It’s messy and uncoordinated. It has no place in a Class I game. Neil narrows his eyes at the backliner, who just grins.

“C’mon, Butcher,” he says, and Neil’s blood burns.

It takes less than a second for him to lose his tail. He ducks around the backliner, feinting one way before bolting the other, seeing Allison with the ball—the pass is quick and clean, and before long Aaron is tossing it back Andrew’s way.

It clears the court. Neil isn’t sure he’ll be able to catch it, but he takes off anyways—right between the oncoming defense players, weaving across the court with a snarl. It takes nothing for him to get out of their range, even less to snatch the ball out of the air. They’re still coming, though, and he’s hardly in position to shoot. He’s shot from worse angles, but he can give himself better odds—darting towards goal and passing to himself, the goalkeeper’s got his eyes on him and there’s something ugly in them.

Neil makes the goal. He makes sure to make it hurt, too. This got personal as soon as these shitheads let the name Nathaniel leave their mouths—so he strikes back twice as hard, the best way he knows how.

“At least my father cared enough to chase me across the country,” he snaps, eyes gone wild, “is yours even in the stands?”

It was the wrong thing to say. Or maybe the right thing. The goalkeeper’s eyes light up with fury, and Neil knows the punch is coming before it gets there. It rattles him down to the teeth, and he’s sent stumbling sideways. A second one comes moments later, and Neil’s not fast enough to get out of range. The buzzer goes off and Neil thinks that sound ringing in his ears is the shouting of his teammates. He doesn’t wait for someone to come to his rescue, though—he hits right back.

It takes three people to pull them apart. There’s definitely blood dripping from Neil’s nose as he backs off, panting and swearing as he does so. He doesn’t fight it as he’s swung around and shoved back toward his team, and the sight that greets him is pretty much what he expected: Andrew, being held back by four of their teammates—Kevin with his arms wrapped around his middle, Allison and Nicky holding him by the arms, Aaron pushing against his shoulders. They don’t let go of him until Neil’s halfway across the court toward them, though Andrew’s still simmering as Neil comes closer.

“You’re bleeding,” Kevin says, and Neil grins, all teeth.

“You told me to carve them up,” he says, sharp as a knife’s edge.

[thejostenator]

Golden Boy Orange: Chapter Five

Holy shit, I can't believe it's been so long since the last chapter of this bad boy!

For those of you who don’t know, this is my project to tell AFTG from Matt’s perspective, and this chapter is almost entirely fully original scenes (fun fun fun)! If you haven’t read the first four chapters (or if you need a refresh since it's been aeons since my last update) you can read them on Tumblr, or on Ao3.

Tagging those I know were interested last time (@youhaveahomeinmyheart, @pipebomb-malewife, @accal1a, @sickbunsbro, @tntwme, @shayebutterrrr & @stay-because-now-you-have-a-home) but if you want to be added (or removed) to (or from) the tag list, just let me know!

Wednesday, June 12th:

Wednesdays, Matt decided, were the worst days of the week.

He was aware this was a somewhat controversial train of thought (see: the existence of Mondays), but at least on Mondays Andrew was there to keep Seth at bay. On Wednesdays, Andrew left practice early to grace their therapist, Bee, with his loveable presence, and as soon as he was gone, metaphorical shit hit the metaphorical fan.

Kevin watched the door swing closed as the Monster left, and waited a beat to let it settle.

"Right," he said bluntly. "Renee, we'll switch you out for Andrew. Matt, if you could move-"

Seth cracked his knuckles loudly, stretching his palms out in front of him, and let out an overlarge yawn, cutting Kevin off mid-instruction.

Kevin raised a single eyebrow. "You have an issue?"

"Yeah, and his name's Kevin fucking Day," Seth answered. "Fuck you think you're playing at, cripple?"

Kevin stepped closer to Seth, atmosphere electric. "Excuse me?"

"You're not the captain, stop trying to tell us what to fucking do."

"I'm from the Ravens. Who, may I remind you, we are going to face in-"

"Fuck. Right. Off." Seth spat.

"Guys," Dan thundered. "Drop it. Both of you."

"If you want to do nothing and get absolutely destroyed," Kevin said through gritted teeth, "go ahead. Be my guest. Its not like the team will make it past the first elimination with him in it anyway."

Seth swung, hitting Kevin with a punch that sent his head jerking to one side while he was still looking at Dan. Low blow. Not undeserved, but still low.

Kevin whipped around, dodging Seth's next punch, and thrust his racquet in the direction of his ribs. All the ways that the situation could go violently, dangerously wrong flashed before Matt’s eyes, and he burst forwards, grabbing Kevin’s racquet from his hands and flinging it away.

It skittered across the floor, scraping the sleek surface, and Kevin seemed to blink back into focus.

“Don’t touch my racquet,” he snapped.

“If you cared about it that much,” Matt shot back, flexing his fingers, “you wouldn’t be using it as a weapon.”

“You hear that, Day?” Seth jeered. “Fucking good-for-nothing cripple.”

Matt moved on instinct alone, putting himself right between Kevin and Seth, grappling them both apart with his bare hands.

“Woah,” he grunted, pushing them both back, then echoing Dan's words, “drop it, both of you!”

Glowering, the two of them backed off in opposite directions.

“Shit, man,” Matt sighed, rubbing at his arms—there was no way he was getting out of that skirmish free of bruises, “I shouldn’t have to offer myself up as a meat shield to get you two to just stop fucking fighting!”

“Now, are you two going to hug and make up?” Dan asked coolly.

“Don’t patronize me,” Kevin scoffed, at the same time as Seth spat out: “I’m not a fucking child, Wilds.”

“Then don’t act like one.” Dan snapped her fingers. “Back to practice.”

Matt stayed rooted in place as the sounds of practice resuming trickled in around him—he got the unnerving feeling that someone was staring at him. When he turned around, it was to find himself in the midst of Neil’s dark gaze. Their new striker watched him, and Matt couldn’t help but shiver at whatever he saw in his eyes.

Saturday, June 16th:

The first thought Matt had was that he didn’t remember setting an alarm. Groaning, he rolled over and fumbled for his violently buzzing phone. Rubbing his eyes with the back of one hand, he squinted at the glowing screen. It was hard to believe it was actually his phone he was holding and not the sun, considering the light streaming from it. 

The time read 9:48AM, and he was getting a call from an unknown number.

If only to yell at whoever was calling him for having the gall to do it so early, Matt answered.

“Who’s this?” Matt murmured. It came out pretty much unintelligible. “Why’re you calling so early?”

“Matt, it’s Neil,” came a tinny voice, hoarse and drawn, barely more than a whisper. Like he’d lost his voice screaming, or just been winded. “Did I wake you?”

“Nah, I’m up,” Matt said, fighting back a yawn as he sat up in bed. “Where’ve you been? I didn’t hear you come back last night.”

“I’m in Columbia with Andrew.”

“You’re—” Matt was awake in an instant. “What?”

He burst up from bed, letting the sheets fly in every which direction, and scrambled for the door to his room. He couldn’t help the images flashing through his mind, flickers of memories from when Andrew took him to Columbia. Flashing neon lights, bass so loud the floor beneath him pulsed, and pain. So, so much pain.

“Jesus, Neil, what the hell did you do that for? Did he—” He couldn’t even stomach asking the question. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” came Neil’s simple reply. Something in his tone didn’t ring true.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Matt ground out, and he meant it. He really did.

“What’s all the fuss about?” Dan asked, groggily rubbing her eyes from where she had passed out on Matt’s couch. “What’s happening? Is it Neil?”

“He’s in Columbia,” Matt answered, angling the phone away from his ear.

Dan rocketed up from the couch, half-staggering, and leant against the back for support. “Jesus Christ.”

The doubt was worming its way back into Matt’s mind. Neil really hadn’t sounded truthful when he said he was fine. 

“Seriously,” he pressed, speaking into the phone again, “are you okay?”

"I’m fine,” Neil repeated, exasperated this time, “but I need a favour.”

Matt nodded, even though he knew Neil couldn’t see him.

“I think Andrew’s going to come looking for something of mine today,” Neil continued. “If I’m not there, can you keep him out of our room? I’ll owe you one.”

Matt could barely believe his own ears. “You won’t owe me anything,” he replied slowly. “Didn’t I tell you I’m good for it?”

“Thank you,” came Neil’s tinny reply. There seemed to be genuine relief in his voice.

Matt decided in that instant that he wouldn’t just fight the Monsters for Neil. He would do anything.

Matt spent most of the day before the Monster’s return just sitting on the single, dirt-green bench in the campus car park, just waiting for Neil to come back. Renee came out with a hot chocolate at one point, and then she stuck around to give him some company.

“You know that, whatever they did, it was something they needed to do?” Renee asked softly.

Matt’s grip tightened on the metal ridge of the bench. He refused to look at her. “Neil posed no threat to them,” he gritted out.

From the corner of his eye, Renee shrugged serenely. “We don’t know that.”

“Yes we do,” Matt spat out, eyes staring dead ahead. Neil’s gaze earlier flashed through his mind, but he dismissed the thought. Neil was innocent as a man could be, dark gaze or no.

Renee paused, opening her mouth to say something, then seemingly thinking better of it. She went back inside without another word.

Matt didn’t turn around to watch as she left. If there was one thing Renee was good at, it was reading the room. She didn’t pick sides. It was her thing. But she also knew that, one way or another, she’d have to now.

When the Monsters arrived, Neil wasn’t with them.

“Come on, my dear Matthew, Mattathias, Mattholomew,” Andrew said slowly, head tilted to one side, manic grin lighting up his face. “We’ve known each other for so long.”

“Then you should know by now I’m not going to let you in,” Matt said coldly, arms crossed over his chest just to stop him from reaching out and choking Andrew on the spot. There was no way in hell he was letting him through the door.

“This is cruelty,” Andrew responded, hand splayed out over his chest. He leaned forwards conspiratorially, voice lowering. “If I were you, I’d spare everyone all the fuss and just let me in. Neil asked me to collect something for him, and I am only too happy to oblige.”

“Since you’re apparently so close now,” Matt hissed, “maybe you can tell me where he is.”

Andrew dismissed the question with an airy wave of his hand. “Out and about.”

Matt snorted. “Get your ass out of here, Minyard.”

Andrew twitched. “It sure would be a shame if all the shots I deflect in practice tomorrow just happen to rocket towards your ankles, wouldn’t it? You might break something.”

“Like you could be bothered to raise an arm in practice,” Dan snorted from behind Matt.

“With the right motivation,” Andrew replied slyly. “And Matt is being very motivating right now? O Captain, my Captain, perhaps you could—”

“If I’d have known this was all it took to motivate you, I would have done it long ago,” Dan replied. “You’re not getting any sympathy from me, monster.”

“Oh, you wound me,” Andrew said. “But it's your loss, really, it is.”

“Andrew,” came Renee’s sweet voice as she appeared behind him. “Hello.”

Matt whipped his head up to face her, and they just stared at each other for a beat, standing on opposite sides of Andrew. Matt glared, and Renee stared back at him coolly.

Something indescribable flashed in her eyes.

“Renee,” Andrew grinned. “You remembered my name. I’m honoured. Now, if you would be so kind as to get these two to just let me in, for I am but a weary traveller who—”

“Actually,” she said gently, “I think it would be best if you went back to your own dorm.”

Everyone froze. Renee had chosen her side.

“Oh,” Andrew said. It was as if the smile had been struck clean from his face. “Oh, this is different.”

“It is different, Andrew,” Renee said. “Thank you for understanding.”

Andrew looked her up and down like he was seeing her in a new light. Matt couldn’t help but feel like he was doing the same.

“We’re going to talk about this later,” Andrew said.

“I hope so,” came Renee’s serene reply, and she watched calmly as Andrew turned and left.

Matt was left lost for words

[the-chicken-or-the-banana]

andreil and goodbye kisses (pt. 8) ft. wymack (+ a bonus)

part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 || i'm actually feeling kinda sad that this is the last part but also my brain can't come up with more ideas lmao

wymack stands by the fact that he doesn't get paid enough to deal with andrew and neil's shit (both as separate idiots and together)

but he does care for all his foxes, despite all the... difficulties that surround them

and honestly? one of the biggest struggles he faces is how absolutely thick-headed and oblivious the foxes can be regarding andrew and neil's relationship

truly, the heart-eyes neil constantly gave andrew were so obvious, he's not sure how everyone missed them before

but because he's so observant, he doesn't fail to notice how the older foxes keep giving strange looks to neil whenever he leaves andrew's side now

wymack doesn't get in the way of his foxes' personal lives. but if they start causing disturbances on the court, it's his job as coach to get to the bottom of these issues

(okay, maybe he and dan catch up on the so-called "drama" in the team every few weeks but it's for completely exy-related business. ahem. of course)

one day, wymack corners neil and lets him know that he and dan were to meet in his office after practice to talk through some logistics for the winter banquet

neil agrees, and practice goes smoothly (or, as smoothly as it can go with the foxes)

but after practice is... interesting

wymack swears he had no ulterior motives planned with the meeting; it really was supposed to be a genuine discussion

but the outcome of it was certainly unexpected

he and dan both know to wait for neil, that he doesn't like changing in front of anyone

so they wait. and wait. and wait.

it gets to the point where it's nearly 45 minutes after practice and surely neil should be done at this point, no?

wymack gets up, fully prepared to break down the door to make sure neil is okay when suddenly it slams open

neil tumbles out hand-in-hand with andrew, with matching flushed faces and ruffled hair

wymack sighs

dan outright snorts, and neil's head jerks up and his eyes widen when he notices dan and wymack

but before he can say anything, dan stands up and grins at andrew

"fucking neil again, huh?"

neil chokes on a cough and wymack turns to dan with a groan when he notices the mischievous glint in her eye, almost like that was an... inside joke?

with minyard?

wymack is very confused

andrew just scowls at dan. "i will knife you and make it look like an accident"

neil is still recovering from his coughing bout, so wymack turns back to the stabby midget ready to reprimand him

"i'm not scared of you anymore, remember andrew?" dan's eyes are still bright as she tries not to laugh

"shut up, both of you" wymack interrupts their weird jokes conversation whatever gruffly. "neil, do you remember why we're here?"

"huh? OH. oh shit. drew, i'm supposed to be talking with them about some winter banquet stuff"

andrew considers this. "how long?" wymack tells him about an hour, and andrew nods and turns to neil. "i'll stay"

neil just rolls his eyes. "you have a paper due tomorrow that you haven't even started yet. go do that, i'll be fine"

wymack sighs. he's been doing a lot of that lately. "minyard, go finish your homework or i swear to god, i'll make you run three marathons next week"

andrew glares but mutters out a "fine." he goes to leave but neil tugs him back by the wrist

neil then proceeds to kiss andrew on the nose and gives him the most bashful smile wymack has ever seen on the kid's face

neil's happy. it's a christmas miracle! and it's not even christmas yet!

and that kiss... really, it was the last thing he expected out of neil and andrew but he's happy at how comfortable they've grown around each other

and okay, it was a little adorable

(not that he'd ever say that to their faces, of course)

andrew ends up stumbling out of the court with the reddest face wymack's seen as neil turns back to him and dan

"right" he says sheepishly. "banquet?"

BONUS:

abby doesn't believe it when david tells her about the nose kiss

she knows that neil has a heart of gold, she knows that andrew has so much capacity to feel

but a nose kiss? she doesn't think andrew would agree to that

so when her older foxes come over one night after a tiring, but successful, game, she decides she needs to see this for herself

after a hearty dinner, all the kids are sitting in the living room, with andrew and neil talking quietly in the back corner of the room.

perfect.

"neil!" abby calls, and everyone in the room quiets to look at her. "sweetheart, could you help me bring out the dessert?"

nicky immediately jumps up from beside her, saying how he could help if she needed it

"no no, it's alright, i was hoping to talk to neil, if that's okay? it might take a little while"

neil looks extremely worried at this and abby almost feels guilty.

almost

he glances at andrew and then he leans down so quickly that abby nearly misses it

neil kisses andrew on the nose.

abby barely notices andrew's bright blush, nor does she register neil moving towards her

she just feels so proud of her foxes for coming so far in a world that keeps trying to beat them down

it's a sentimental moment, which is completely ruined by kevin's woop and nicky's yell of glee

"YES BITCH THEY DID IT THEY DID THE KISS GIVE ME YOUR MONEY ALLISON"

"fuck you hemmick. fuck you"

neil looks at them wildly. "you guys were betting on us? i didn't think you would..."

matt sighs and slings an arm around his friend. "oh neil, do you still really think that low of us? we bet on everything"

JSKHKKSJ OK IT'S FINALLY DONE i already miss this series but it has been a fun time :) my asks are always open if y'all have anything specific you want me to write !

[ok555ficideas]

Help me remember

Andrew sighed with relief when the whistle announced the end of the game. It was an exhausting one, not because it was a demanding opponent. No, Ravens stopped being a force to be reckoned with a year ago, when the foxes beat them in the finale. After that it was like a snowball of fallen ravens and the team had not yet recovered. 

It wasn’t even a championship game. The season was over. Foxes had beaten the Trojans in the finale six to five. This was just a friendly game between two teams, who hated each other, to improve their image. 

The Ravens didn’t play like they wanted to improve anything. They played as if it was the most important match of their career. They were vicious and unforgiving. They weren’t stupid enough to foul Andrew, but that couldn’t be said about the rest of his teammates. 

But it was over and Andrew could finally breathe. His people were only in various bad shapes, but none of them needed any medical attention outside of Abby. He looked across the court at a smiling Neil who was heading his direction. Helmet under his arm and a glint in his eyes that meant that he was on his way to say something incredibly stupid that would leave Andrew’s stomach in knots. 

Stupid junkie with his stupidly beautiful blue eyes and blinding smile. Andrew wanted to punch him in his stupid face, preferably with his lips. The rest of the team would probably go to the basement to celebrate with lots of alcohol. And whenever there was alcohol there was Kevin, so they would have the dorm for themselves. Andrew couldn’t wait to get his hands on Neil. They had only a week left of classes and after that Andrew was planning on taking Neil to Columbia for at least a week. He knew that taking his idiot away from the court for longer was impossible so when Neil reluctantly agreed to one week when Andrew was insisting on two, he decided to quit while he was ahead. 

Neil was in the middle of the court when suddenly there was a body throwing him in the direction of the plexiglass. There was a loud sound as the backliner who was assigned to Neil during the game repeatedly banged Neil head on the wall. Andrew wasn’t the first to get to him, since he was still standing in his goal, never keen to be in the middle of the celebration. 

Matt threw the backliner off of Neil and there was Abby immediately at his side, checking him over. Seeing as Neil was in good hands, Andrew went for the Raven first. He pushed Matt away and punched the much taller man straight in the face and then troppeled him over on the ground. He managed a couple more punches, but then there were people's hands all over him, trying to pull him away. 

There was ringing in his ears and he didn’t want to let himself be pulled away. He would probably still be fighting all of them if not for a small, barely heard above all the noise voice.

“Drew”

He jumped from the backliner immediately and shraged away all the people who tried to calm him down. He kneeled next to Neil and gripped his hand softly. There wasn’t any visible blood, but Abby looked worried.

“We need to take him to the hospital.” She said,

Andrew helped her pick Neil up and they went into the foxes changing room. He wanted to drive Neil to the hospital himself, but with the game just ending the traffic would be a nightmare. They called 9-1-1 and waited for the ambulance to get here. 

Apart from the stupid nickname that melted Andrew’s heart every time Neil used it, the striker didn’t utter another word. He was lying unconscious while Abyy tried to assess the damage to his probably broken ribs. 

The paramedics showed up ten minutes later and let Andrew ride with Neil to the hospital after he threatened them with a knife for trying to keep him away. 

It was all a blur after that. They took Neil to do some tests and Andrew had to wait in the waiting area.  He wasn’t sure what time it was, once Neil was all done and patched up and safely tucked away in a hospital bed.  Andrew was sitting in the armchair beside him. Someone must have warned the hospital staff to not even try to kick him out, because no one batted an eye at him staying way past visiting hours. He didn’t want to fall asleep. He wanted to watch Neil and protect him. 

“It is too late for protection, you failed.” A traitorous voice sounded at the back of his head. 

He tried to silence his racing thoughts, but there was no reason to deny them. He failed. If he was closer to Neil. If he made his way across the court instead of waiting in his goal, maybe he would be able to stop the backliner from attacking Neil. If he wasn’t so focused on Neil’s stupid smile and pretty face, maybe he would spot the danger and prevent it. 

His eyelids started to get heavy. He took a last glance at Neil’s unconscious form and fell asleep himself. He was used to having nightmares, but tonight they were filled with guilt instead of fear. 

[andrewsleftknee]

"he'll come back"

Neil goes for a run in the middle of the night and isn't back when Andrew wakes up.

----

Neil usually left for his morning runs before Andrew was awake. Neil woke Andrew up when he’d get of bed, but he’d brush Andrew’s hair from his eyes, kiss his forehead, and whisper for him to go back to sleep. Andrew would murmur something about how Neil should stay in bed with him, but fell asleep again before Neil was out the door.

he was never usually gone for more than forty-five minutes, and got back in time for him and Andrew to make coffee together before rinsing off and going to class. 

one morning Andrew noticed it was still dark when Neil was going for his run, he asked him why he was going so early, and Neil just urged him to go back to bed. Andrew was too tired to argue with him, so he held his arms up in a silent ask for Neil to lean down to give him a kiss. when Neil got what he was asking for and gave him a kiss, Andrew fell asleep almost immediately. 

it was the weekend, so Andrew didn’t wake up until he heard Robin get up around 9:30. he noticed that he didn’t hear Neil come back to the dorm and when he got up he saw that Neil wasn’t in the living room. he tried not to worry, but he didn’t know exactly how long Neil had been out. it was definatly longer than he usually was. Andrew’s guess was at least three hours. he texted Neil to ask where he was, and he didn’t hear his phone go off, so at least he had his phone with him. that made Andrew calm down a little bit. Neil would call him if he needed help. he had before, and now wasn’t different.

he walked over to make his coffee alone, and grab a granola bar to eat while he watched whatever Robin had left on the tv. he hadn’t gotten a response by ten, so he decided to call Wymack.

“i think your vice-captain is dead,” Andrew said.

“what the fuck? hello to you, too. where is he?” Wymack asked

“hell if i know. i’m assuming you don’t either, so bye.” Andrew hung up the call.

Robin emerged from their kitchenette with a concerned look on her face. her and Andrew held eye contact for almost a minute before Andrew told her that Neil hadn’t come back yet.

“he does that sometimes. he’ll be okay,” she assured him.

“doesn’t make it any less scary,” Andrew replied. he and Robin got along. he liked her. they didn’t really talk about their problems together, but Andrew somewhat trusted her with smaller things. “Baltimore messed us all up. we almost didn’t get him back then.”

“right,” she said. she raised her hand so it was hovering above his shoulder. she picked it up from Neil when she learned that Andrew didn’t like being touched. he shook his head. he didn’t want any one to touch him when he was anxious. he only ever let Neil. Robin nodded. “i’m always here, if that means anything.”

Andrew got up, grabbed his pack of cigarettes from his bedside table, and went to sit on the roof. he hoped he might see Neil running back, but knew he probably wouldn’t.

he didn’t know how long he had been up there when his phone started to ring with the familiar sound of Neil’s ringtone. he tried not to freak out when he answered the call, letting it sit silent until Neil spoke first.

“i need you to come get me,” Neil said after a moment.

Andrew let out a shaky breath. “where?” he asked. 

“i don’t know. i ran until i couldn’t,” he replied.

“describe it to me.” and he did. after a few minutes, Andrew thought he knew where Neil was. it was around thirty minutes off campus. Neil explained that he ran around campus until his brain told him he needed to get away. he said that he didn’t make it too long before his legs couldn’t go anymore.

Andrew drove to get Neil. he was still in what he fell asleep in the previous night. he put the sleeve of the white hoodie to his nose. it smelled like Neil. he took it from him when they were watching a movie on the couch and Andrew got cold. the smell kept him calm for the drive to Neil.

when he got there, Neil was sitting on the side of the road. his knee was bleeding, and his hair stuck to his forehead. his eyes were closed, but when he heard Andrew’s car door open, he opened his eyes to see Andrew walking over to him. the sight made him want to cry. when he crouched down beside Neil, he put his hand on the back of his neck, and pulled Neil so his head was against his chest. Neil felt safe.

Andrew gave him a minute before helping him up and to the passengers side of his car. they drove ten minutes before either of them spoke.

“i’m sorry,” Neil said to break the silence.

“don’t. not right now.”

“are you mad?” he asked. Andrew looked over at Neil, who was already looking in his direction. Neil knew by the expression on Andrew’s face that he wasn’t. Andrew saw that when he felt Neil’s energy slip. it was like he finally let himself be tired. his back relaxed against the car seat, and his hands loosened from the almost-fists they formed in his lap.

“i’m not mad,” he confirmed. “i know you can’t help it sometimes.”

“i’m trying to be more open about it when the thoughts happen, but it,” he started. Andrew reached over and put his hand over Neil’s mouth to get him to stop talking.

“not right now. lets just go home.” Neil nodded in response.

when they got back the dorm was empty. he assumed Robin got Kevin out when Andrew left campus. Andrew walked them to the bathroom, helping Neil undress before turning the shower on and making sure it wasn’t too hot. he himself undressed, and joined Neil in the shower. they made it quick, and Neil was already trying to keep himself awake as Andrew dried his hair and covered the scrape on his knee.

they got into bed together. Neil had tried to talk about what happened, but Andrew stopped him, telling him that they could talk when Neil wasn’t so tired. Neil accepted that, and fell asleep with his head on Andrew’s chest.

Andrew didn’t mean to fall asleep, but his hand stopped trailing Neil’s spine, the tension in his body eased, and he dreamed of him and Neil on the roof.

Robin’s phone rung later that afternoon. she had went back to the dorm to get something for lunch, but Kevin was still out. he had said something about hanging out with Matt. she didn’t really pay attention.

“hey, Coach. didn’t expect to hear your voice on my off day. what do you want?”

“why isn’t Minyard answering his phone?”

“which one?” she asked with a smile. she liked to push Wymack’s limits like most of the Foxes did. she knew he meant Andrew, and she knew what it was about, but she decided to test him anyway.

“not right now. tell him to answer my calls.”

“he’s sleeping,” she sighed, a little upset that Wymack ruined her fun so soon.

“it’s past noon. wake him up.”

“i don’t have a death wish, Coach. Neil is fine. Andrew has him. can i go now? bye!” she hung up the call before Wymack could give her an answer, but seeing as he didn’t try and call her again, she guessed that’s all Wymack needed her for. 

she got up from where she sat on the couch and went to the bedroom. she knew she didn’t have to check in on them, but she still does anyway. she sees Andrew and Neil as cuddled together as they ever get, and smiled to herself. she slowly closed the door behind her to try and not wake them.

[wedielikemen]

​This is just a few of the scenes that I think capture the *clenches fist* essence of an unendurable belongingness (to prove I am still in fact working on it even tho it’s been months.)

————

His hair is a hack job, the curls that were almost hanging down his neck, now butchered and uneven. Kevin touches it lightly and hums, mostly to block out the sound of Andrew cleaning up the glass.

Neil’s weight is nearly insubstantial against his chest, on top of Kevin he barely breathes, not asleep, not awake but blessedly too exhausted now for dreams or nightmares even. Too exhausted to be alive, to do anything but hold,

hold

It’s the grip of a dying man… or a surviving man,

which is it?

It depends on how long they can hold on.

Kevin squeezes his ribs too tight, holding him fast, refusing to lose Neil to the dregs of his mind. He sighs, exhausted, but his grip on Kevin’s side tightens, just a little and it’s enough. for now they survive.

——————————————————

Kevin knocked his hands insistently against the surface

“ I can’t.”

“I can’t, do this again.”

He clutched his hand to his chest. Tremors rocking his scarred palm as Neil stared across the table at him frozen and helpless.

“I can’t build Kevin Day from scratch again.

I don’t have it in me.

I can’t-”

Andrew was out of his chair before it could escalate any further. He tugged Kevin towards him urgently so their foreheads pressed together.

“Enough Kevin. Stop this.“

———————————————————————

Andrew reached out blindly finding Kevin’s shirt and grappling for his left hand. He ran his hands over the raised welts over and over until his breathing went back to normal.

———————————————————————

Nicky appeared in the corridor flanked by Matt, both of them carrying bags of overnight clothes. One of them is Neil’s duffle and clutched in Matt’s right hand is the over bright orange blanket that Kevin and Neil came home with that one time. Neil glances down the corridor and his body goes still. Andrew sees the exact moment that it all becomes too much. Neil’s shoulder hunches over and he presses a hand over his eyes. He misses one breath, then another and then he’s gasping———————————————————————

“You don’t know Jack about me Kevin Day.”

He scoffed.

“Don’t be a shit. I may not be Neil but I know you.”

“Right.”

Kevin turned on his side to face Andrew and even across the room he could feel the intensity of his gaze. It made his skin prickle.

“Yes right. You hate pickles,you love olives-“

“Basic observation”

“Whenever we go to a new place despite the shit you give Neil about his duffle you either spread your shit everywhere or you don’t unpack at all, you keep your food hidden on the top shelf even though it’s harder to reach, you write your name on everything you own, you even write your name on some of Aaron’s shit.”

The base of Andrew’s spine prickled and he hissed.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Kevin mowed on as if he hadn’t spoken.

“Not just your initials though. You write it all out. Andrew Joseph.”

[crazy-fangirl2524]

Hey @water-gaw here’s your @aftgexchange gift! I tried to combine hurt/comfort and badass Neil I hope you will like it! (I’m sorry if it’s really bad here’s a Kevin Aromantic hc I wrote a while back then because I saw that you would also like to see something interesting with aromantic? So maybe check that out if you want but meanwhile I hope this short fic is to your liking). Here’s the same fic on AO3 (if you want to you can give me your AO3 so I can gift this to you? )

Neil jogged lightly around the neighbourhood, trying to clear his mind. He tried to focus on the upcoming death matches. He ran through the statistics, techniques and strategies they could use instead of the fact that it would be the last death matches with Andrew. He had already gone through these with Kevin via facetime but it wasn’t the same.

This year hadn’t been the same without Matt and Kevin; at least Andrew was still here. But not next year. Neil shoved that thought away and instead focused on his pace. Left right left right. He ran through the exy statistics again, thought of Matt and Kevin’s most recent games, thought of how Dan’s team was doing, anything but the future and Andrew, and definitely not the fight they just had where Neil ran out but they both knew he would go back.

Neil ran and ran, until sweat soaked his entire body and his calves were screaming for him to stop. With sweat dripping down his hair, he jogged to the nearest store to buy ice cream. In his peripheral vision, he saw a car tailing him, Neil tensed up, taking a quick glance, he relaxed when he realised it was a very familiar Maserati.

“Bring your phone next time,” Andrew stopped right in front of the store. He didn’t even glance at Neil before going into the stop, leaving the door wide open. Panting slightly, Neil closed the driver seat door and got into the passenger seat. Sighing contently as the aircon cooled his sweat, yet his calves continued to scream even as Neil bent forward to massage them. Hopefully he didn’t blow them, Wymack would kill him.

A sharp shrilling sound pierced the silent night and Neil tensed up immediately. He would never forget the sound of a gunshot, he swore when he realised that the gunshot came from the store Andrew was in. His knives would have to do. Getting out of the car quietly, he remembered that there was no backdoor in this shop, there was only one exit. He noticed that there was one other car in front of the store, luckily, there was no one in it. A too familiar wave of icy calmness washed over Neil, as he peeked into the store and saw that there were two masked people inside, one was waving the gun around at the crying cashier and the other was probably supposed to be on lookout. The person’s grip was tight around the gun as if he was afraid to drop it. Pushing the left door because the right always creaked, he slipped in unnoticed. As the person with the gun was focused on getting the money from the cashier, Neil quietly crept up behind the other guy and slit his throat, taking great care to put his body down gently to not make a sound. The cashier’s sudden screams led to Neil sighing. By the time the robber had turned around, Neil was beside him and was reaching out to grab the hand with the gun. But the robber was surprisingly fast, but he still did not anticipate Neil’s knives that were out in a flash and were out for the heart. The robber used the gun to deflect, instead, a shot fired and a too familiar grunt was heard. The robber’s fearful look was too late as Neil felt his father’s smile made its way onto his face. Neil slashed at the wrist and the gun dropped onto the floor, firing another shot, thankfully at the ceiling this time. Without hesitation, Neil stabbed him clean through the heart, the tip of the knife protruded out of his back. Neil pulled his knife back out, twisting it and taking in the satisfaction of the screams that made its way out of the robber’s mouth.

Without glancing back, Neil rushed to Andrew, his heart beat accelerating when he noticed the steady flow of blood gushing out of his shoulder. He could see Andrew fighting to stay conscious, a small nod by Andrew indicated that Neil could touch and assess the wound. Neil knew how much Andrew hated being touched when he was injured, especially when he was vulnerable. Andrew’s hands were soaked with his blood even with Andrew pressing down hard.

“I’m going to carry you, yes or no Andrew?” Neil asked calmly even though he felt like he was drowning, drowning in Andrew’s blood.

Andrew nodded slightly again and without wasting a second, Neil scoped Andrew into his arms and rushed out of the store. Gently putting Andrew into the backseat, Neil stepped on the gas and drove past all red lights and made it to the hospital in 5 minutes and in that time, Andrew had lost consciousness. Neil did not remember exactly what happened next, only that he carried Andrew and sprinted into the hospital screaming for help, screaming that someone had been shot and lost a lot of blood and telling the medics that Andrew’s blood type was B positive and then the mass of doctors and nurses rushed Andrew to the ER and then someone was trying to console Neil but Neil had to call Wymack and tell him what happened, and then it was a police officer speaking to him about what happened but then some nurses came out and tried to calm him down because Neil could not breath and everything was too loud and he could not get enough air.

Neil tried to put his head between his legs and gripped his own neck tightly, the nurse’s voice droned on and on and Neil tried his best to tune him out and ignore the impatient tapping of the police officer and he wished the entire world would shut up but he mostly wished he was the one that went into the store to buy ice cream instead of Andrew, or that he had acted faster, quicker and not underestimated the robber.

“Neil, are you alright?“ Wymack’s voice was a beacon in his stormy sea and his comforting hand on his shoulder helped way more than the nurse that was just asking him to take deep fucking breaths.

“Andrew-“ That was all Neil could say, that was all that mattered. He could not possibly fathom anything happening to Andrew, nothing could happen to him.

“I know kid, I know, Andrew will be fine.” Then Wymack asked the nurse for updates and there were more doctors rushing to the ER and Neil felt the air being sucked out of his lungs and he swore that the world went white for a second and he just noticed how sticky and bloody he was with both the robbers’ blood and Andrew’s blood.

“…he lost a lot of blood and will need a blood transfusion…” Neil caught snippets of conversation between Wymack and the nurse.

“Aaron, where’s Aaron?” Neil was shouting before he even realised, feeling his brain going hundred miles per hour and he just couldn’t damn breath.

“He went to give his blood already, Neil, he and Nicky came with me.” Just then, Neil realised that Nicky was right beside him with tears streaming down his face and Nicky flashed a watery smile at him that was supposed to be comforting but broke down too quick.

More doctors rushed in and out of the room and Neil felt the world tilted sideways. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs but that didn’t matter because if anything, anything, happened to Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten would burn the world down.

He didn’t know how long they all sat there waiting for news. Neil replayed everything in his mind, all he knew was that Andrew was shot in the shoulders and that he must have lost a lot of blood. Neil ran through everything he knew about gunshot wounds. He prayed that none of the major arteries had been hit, he wasn’t sure if the bullet had exited or was still in Andrew’s body.

“… condition is stabilised… “ a doctor came out, “he would be conscious tomorrow, you can visit him tomorrow during visiting hours, for now I would advise you all to go home and freshen up.”

Neil still couldn’t breath but that is alright because Andrew was okay, he was alright.

“I have to see him,” Neil wheezed out, he stood up and would have fallen if not for Nicky’s arms holding him up.

“Kid, you look like you were in the butcher’s basement-“ Wymack winced at his choice of words but continued on, “they said we can only see him tomorrow, you should at least clean up the blood.”

“I’m fine,” Neil gritted out.

“And the police want to talk to you, I can only hold them off for so long, if you don’t go they will have to question you and probably bring you to the station.”

Neil would rather suffer through the questioning and his bloody clothes than to not see Andrew right now. He had been through worse, he needed to see Andrew with his own eyes to know that he was actually fine.

Shaking off Nicky’s arms around him, he went to find out where Andrew was staying. When the nurse refused, Nicky used the family card and soon Wymack joined and the nurse was too tired to deal with three grown men harassing him. He told them the room and Neil sprinted off.

Opening the door quietly, the sterile smell hit Neil but he fought his instincts to run away. Andrew was laying in bed, one of his arms in a sling and the heart monitor beeping slowly beside him. Andrew was in the hospital gown and Neil despised the person that put Andrew in it. Andrew’s face was almost as white as the sheets around him. But at least Andrew was alive and that was all that matters.

Slowly, Neil sat down on the chair beside Andrew and took slow deep breaths. He winced at the aseptic smell but at least he could finally get air back into his lungs.

“Neil, I got you a change of clothes,” Robin appeared suddenly, Neil didn’t hear her but maybe it was because of his heart that was still beating too hard in his chest and the fact that Neil was still trying to process the fact that Andrew was alive.

“I can watch over him while you change,” she added, Neil gave a grateful nod and then quickly went to change in the nearest bathroom, finally cleaning the caky blood off him. Neil avoided the mirror, his father’s smile was still too familiar on his face and although he did not regret killing them, the sick feeling of satisfaction was still too fresh in his mind. Just as he was leaving the bathroom, two police officers and an FBI agent were waiting for him.

“Neil Josten, will you come to the station to give us your statement regarding the event that just happened?” One of the police officers asked.

Neil wished he could say no but he knew better, so he nodded and followed them to the station. He noticed that the sky was beginning to turn pale pink and he realised that he had been in the hospital for hours. He hoped he could make it back before Andrew would wake up.

The FBI agent listened as Neil recounted the events, telling the events truthfully, or as truthfully as he could to make it sound like self defense and that he had no choice but to kill the robbers. It must have been hours before they released him and then the FBI wanted to have a “chat” with him. Where Neil had to insist that it was self defense and that it had nothing to do with his past, they were just exceptionally unlucky. Finally the FBI drove him back and Neil rushed to the room that Andrew was in and realised that he was already awake.

“Andrew,” Neil breathed, Nicky moved away from the bed and Aaron left the room as soon as he saw Neil.

Andrew’s gaze was immediately on him, taking in the dark circles and hunched shoulders. Neil took in Andrew’s sunken and pale face, the frown and tensed look he had. Neil knew how uncomfortable and vulnerable he felt and Neil would do anything to make Andrew be able to discharge as soon as possible. Slowly, Neil approached the bed his eyes drank Andrew in greedily. He looked alright except for the arm in a sling and the bandages around his shoulder.

At last, Neil sat down on the chair next to the bed, his eyes never leaving Andrew. Suddenly, he realised how tired he really was, the adrenaline finally fading once he saw that Andrew was awake and alright.

“Andrew,” There wasn’t anything for Neil to say, that one single word held more than any lexis from any language could ever express.

“I’m fine,” Andrew said, deadpanned. Only Andrew could make Neil Josten almost smile after the hours-long panic attack.

“What did the doctors say?”

“Lost a lot of blood, arm in the sling for at least six weeks, got the bullet out, fractured the bone, cannot play exy for at least two months.”

Neil pushed away the thought that they would have to get through the death matches without Andrew and probably couldn’t even play the last matches with him. “Okay, that’s okay, when can you be discharged?”

“Now,” Aaron and Nicky came back in with the nurse with some papers and Andrew signed them with his good arm.

Wordlessly, Aaron dumped a bag at Neil’s feet and the nurse told them where the bathroom was. Neil stood there frozen, not sure whether he should really follow but Andrew walked towards the bathroom without glancing back and Neil could only follow him.

Andrew went into the bathroom, not locking the door, so Neil followed him and locked it behind him. He passed Andrew the bag and turned around as Andrew changed into his pants.

Neil waited for a while, until he was sure that Andrew had worn his pants and was trying to wear his hoodie before saying, “Andrew, I can help you, yes or no?”

He heard more struggling until a grunted “yes” then Neil turned around. The bandage around Andrew’s shoulder had begun bleeding again and there was a sheen of sweat over Andrew’s pale face. Neil frowned, wordlessly, he helped Andrew into the hoodie, taking great care to not touch him. He knew Andrew well enough that he would only change the bandage once they got back home and Abby would change it then.

They left the bathroom and Nicky gave Neil the keys to the Maserati, soon they were back to the fox tower. Neil texted Abby to come to the fox tower and then turned off his phone.

Andrew went straight to the bathroom to shower so Neil hung around, knowing that Andrew would need help and it was not like Neil would want to do anything else. He was acutely aware of the unsolved fight between them but that didn’t matter. All that matters was that Andrew was alive and well.

Andrew came out of the shower, hair dripping and in loose sweatpants, the bandage soaked and the carefully blank face spoke volumes. Neil wished he could take away all of Andrew’s pain and that it was him instead, he never should have ran.

“I texted Abby to come over so she can change your bandage.” Neil took a towel and gestured at Andrew’s hair. He nodded so Neil went over and gently dry his hair, careful to not touch him.

“You can touch my hair,” Andrew’s breath fanning Neil’s collarbones.

After the towel had soaked up all the water, Neil ran his hand through Andrew’s hair, beyond relief that Andrew was right there. He was all too aware of how last night could have gone wrong: a bullet nearer the heart, Neil too slow or more robbers. Feeling the strands of silky gold between his fingers made Neil feel grounded for the first time since the incident.

Leaning in slowly so that Andrew could stop him if he wanted, Neil pressed his lips lightly to Andrew’s hair, one hand cradling the back of Andrew’s head. Neil felt Andrew’s hand on his waist and Neil could finally find his center.

“I could have lost you,” Neil mumbled into Andrew’s hair, breathing in the faint smell of smoke and that earthy and sweet smell that was so intrinsically Andrew.

Andrew squeezed his waist, “I’m here.”

I’m here. I’m here. I’m here. Neil allowed those words to seep into him, holding them close to his heart.

[indigothemuse]

Promise- Andriel

Hi everyone!! This is a birthday fic written for Archi, who you may know as @moonscarsandstars

Crossposted on ao3.

Fic will be under the cut! <3

Dan wakes up at 7 am to the sound of furious knocking on her door. She groans and rolls out of bed, regretting the loss of her blanket and Matt’s warmth. She still moves quietly. Matt had a late flight, and she doesn’t want to disturb him. A courtesy whoever’s knocking doesn’t seem to share.

She opens the door, and sighs. Neil Josten stands outside her apartment, in a pair of running shorts and a bright green shirt. “Why in the world are you here?”

He bounces on the balls of his feet, shoes the same green as his shirt. “I need to talk to Matt.”

“Matt is sleeping. Which I would like to be.”

“Oh.” He follows her inside (uninvited) and takes off his shoes. Dan wonders idly if Andrew got them. Neil continues to follow her like a lost puppy. He doesn’t look like one anymore at least.

She turns to face him outside her room. “Okay. I am going to go back to sleep. And so are you.” She cuts off his protest with a Captain Stare™ . “Come on. Sleep.”

He slides into the bed, and Matt rolls over, slinging an arm around him. Dan smiles, takes a quick photo and sends it to the group chat that she has with her Foxes, and goes back to sleep.

☽٭٭٭☾

Neil wakes up at 11:30, face to face with Matt. He’s barely awake, blinking blearily.

“Am I dreaming?”

“Unless you suddenly have hyper-realistic dreams, no.” Neil keeps his voice soft, wary of waking Dan.

“Mm. All right, let’s get breakfast.” Matt stands and Neil follows, feeling more alert than he had before. Their kitchen is nice, bright, and clean. There’s a small plant on the windowsill above the sink, and Neil pauses to read the sticky note next to it. Water twice a day—Breakfast/Dinner. The note is in Renee’s careful script, and the i’s are dotted by little stars, and there’s a cluster of them in the corner. He waters the plant, and looks to Matt. He’s rummaging through the cabinets, and emerges with a triumphant grin, brandishing a skillet and shallow bowl.

“Okay! Young grasshopper—” “what” “—I’m going to teach you how to make the best french toast you’ve ever had!”

“Young grasshopper?”

Matt nodded sagely. Neil smiled a little, and jumped up onto the counter, swinging his legs. Matt starts pulling things out of the fridge and cupboards, and mutters to himself under his breath. Neil catches the fork that Matt throws, reaching up easily. (Years of Andrew and Kevin throwing things that he asks for have been helpful for his reflexes, even if Kevin almost broke his nose once.)

“Right! So we need eggs, cinnamon, vanilla and salt mixed together.” Matt brings measuring spoons over with him and Neil pushes himself onto his knees to watch curiously. Matt measures out the ingredients, talking him through the process.

Neil finds that he enjoys it more than he thought. Matt talks animatedly, if quietly, catching him up on all that he’s missed. It’s spring break, two weeks of time off before Neil has to be back for his final few months of school.

Finally, they end with six pieces of French toast. Matt puts powdered sugar on his, and Neil steals half of their fruit for his pieces. Dan laughs when she emerges from the bedroom and sees powdered sugar over Matt and Neil’s mouth stained red from strawberries. She pours herself a cup of coffee, kisses Matt’s forehead, and plucks a blueberry from his plate.

“Morning!” She’s cheerful now, brown eyes bright. “So, Neil, what brings you to our humble abode?”

He sighs, fork beginning to push his bread around. “I, er…I wanted to do something. For Andrew.” Dan's eyebrow twitched. “He just…he’s really important to me, and since I’m probably not going to get signed on his team…” Andrew lived in Boston and played for the Boston Rebels. Neil had been getting offers, but none from Andrew’s team.

“Did you already have something in mind?” Matt leaned forward, breakfast forgotten.

“Yeah. This.” He pulled the ring box out. “It’s not an engagement ring!” he yelped, as Dan and Matt Looked at each other and then back at him. “It’s a promise ring. For ours.”

Dan had brought a hand up to her mouth, her wedding ring glinting. He smiles nervously, fidgeting with the box. “That’s beautiful, Neil. I’m sure he’ll lo-adore it,” she corrected herself quickly, and smiled at him.”

Matt left his seat and slung an arm around his shoulders. “Neil. He’ll like it. Trust us?”

That wasn’t even a question. He had put his life in their hands before, over and over again, and by now it was second nature to trust them.

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks for breakfast.” Matt pulls him into a tight hug. Dan ruffles his hair after, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“See you, Captain. Have fun with your Foxes!”

Neil grins at her. “Have a good day, Coach.”

Dan beams at him, he’s waving and leaves, and then running back to Andrew’s apartment.

☽٭٭٭☾

Andrew looks up when a key turns in the lock. Neil had visited Dan and Matt the day before and had come home looking much more relaxed. And now, returning from his morning run, he comes inside sweaty, but not gasping for air.

Neil comes over and peers down at Andrew. “What are you working on?”

Andrew frowned at his laptop. “Lacey, the PR manager wants me to ‘have a more active presence on social media.” Hence, his screen displayed a view of their most recent emails, where he ran out of reasons not to post more.

“Mm. You could post a picture of us!” Neil grins at him, crooked, blue eyes shining and auburn hair tousled.

“In your sweaty workout clothes?”

Neil nods seriously, but amusement glints in his eyes. “Of course. They want the authentic versions of us.”

“Which includes you, post-run?”

“Yep! Smile!!” Neil loops an arm around his neck and sits in his lap. He takes the photo quickly and spins his phone to show Andrew. He’s looking at Neil, eyebrow quirked. He’s resolutely not smiling, but that means nothing when his face looks so…soft. “Can I post it?”

“Do you even know how to use social media?”

Neil pouts. “Rude.”

“It’s one of my better qualities.”

He grins at that and presses a butterfly soft kiss to his cheek. “Can I post it though? Or at least send it to the others?”

“Yes. You can post it.”

Neil does so, writing out a caption with the focus he typically reserves for reviewing Exy footage (Junkie, he thinks with something almost like fondness), tongue poking out between his teeth. He glances at his phone when it sounds off the Twitter notification. @jos10exy tagged you in a post!

He looks at it. Neil had posted the picture, and he was grinning at the camera. Andrew doesn’t look at himself again, instead amusing himself with how quickly the people react. Neil has a popular social media presence, probably due to his nonexistent brain-to-mouth filter.

The responses roll in, and people lose their minds.

Lacey messages him, a simple ‘Good.’

☽٭٭٭☾

Neil is, simply put, losing his mind. The ring sits, heavy, in his pocket. The weight of Andrew’s gaze is almost crushing. And he tries, so hard, to act normal. To act as though it does not burn under his skin, as though the secret lies across his tongue, ready to take the fall.

He has two days before his flight back to Palmetto and the Foxes, and then the final game of the season—championships between the PSU Foxes and the USC Trojans. Jeremey, Jean, and most of the original team that he had played in his first year had graduated. This was a new lineup too, led by Captain Olive Brant, a backliner.

But he doesn’t want to have to plan out strategies and deal with Jack and Sheena. He’s just happy to be here, with Andrew, in their little pocket of the world.

“What,” Andrew says, crushing the silence like how he grinds out his cigarettes.

“Huh?”

“Something’s bothering you.”

Warmth unfurls in his chest, blooming, flower petals opening up. “Yes,” he says, simple, sweet, offering up a truth for their game.

Andrew waits. Neil sighs, softly, and pulls the ring box out of his pocket. Andrew stiffens ever so slightly, but still, he waits. “It’s a promise ring. Not—not an engagement ring. Not if you don’t want one. And it’s for us. Our yeses, and our nos. And the promise to be there for each other, to protect each other. But if you don’t want it—”

“Neil.” Andrew had moved during Neil’s rambling, and he gently squeezes the back of his neck. “Yes, I want it.” He takes the box and slides it carefully onto his right ring finger. It’s a simple black band, but there are stars engraved on the outside, a small cluster of three. Inside, ‘Home’ is written. Andrew smiles. “Can I kiss you?” Neil breathes, overcome.

“Yes.”

Andrew leans in first, and Neil meets him, in a soft, sweet kiss. He’s smiling against Andrew’s lips, but Andrew just tangles his fingers in Neil’s hair. When they pull away, Neil is beaming. Andrew has a tiny smile pulling at his mouth.

“Is this why you’ve been running all over the place?”

Neil laughs. “Yeah. I was worried you wouldn’t like it.”

“I do. …Thank you.”

“Of course. I’m glad you do.”

Andrew reaches into his own pocket and pulls out a similar ring box. “It looks like we had similar ideas.”

The ring is black, and simple, but there’s a moon inscribed on the top. He checks under the band, and smiles at what he sees. ‘Junkie’.

“Thank you, Andrew.” He slips it on, and looks at it. “We match, see?” Neil holds out his right hand, and he obligingly holds out his.

“Yes.” Andrew studies him. “Something’s still wrong though.”

Neil frowns. “I just…miss you. Yeah, you’re here, but I’m going back soon. And then I probably won’t be able to sign with your team, but I’ll be pro, and—”

Andrew leans forward and again, gently squeezes the back of his neck. “Neil. Breathe. Our relationship is not dependent on being close by. You could live in Europe, and I would still be with you. Our promises are not just the result of being in the same area. I will protect you, no matter what.”

Neil looks at him. Hazel eyes steady, maybe not warm, but caring. Protective. “Yes,” he says, slowly. “I know. It’s just…difficult, not being by you anymore, especially once I go pro.”

“I know.” Then, Andrew moves his hand to rest it against Neil’s cheek, ring cool against his burn scar. “I’ll be here. I promise.”

Neil is overcome. “I will be here too.” He brings his hand up to squeeze his hand. Andrew smiles.

Maybe it isn’t perfect. Not now, maybe not ever. But Neil knows, with Andrew, he’ll be okay. Able to thrive and not just survive.

He’s happy. And he’s going to do his best to stay that way.

----------------

Thank you so much for reading!! Please, if you enjoyed, leave a like and reblog it, so it gets spread.

I sincerely hope that you had as much reading it as I did writing it <3

happy birthday, love. i hope that you had a wonderful day, and I'm so excited to seeing what this year brings you. i love you dearly, and you're one of my absolute best friends.

love,

indigo (the muse)

[homoose]

Teach Me Something I Don’t Know: Part VII

Summary: Spencer’s unresolved trauma catches up with him. Reader gets her heart broken.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: angst, I’m so sorry guys

Warnings/Includes: brief mention of violence and details of a case; brief mention of prison, past trauma; a lil self-loathing and self-sabotaging

Word count: 3.8k

a/n: I knew that this was where this story was going from the very beginning. The dialogue is one of the first parts I had written. It still hurts. Relevant to the story: I operate with the understanding that the Jeid arc does not exist, which also means that Spencer never went to therapy in season 15. Also, huge thanks to @reidscanehand​ for beta-ing and just generally being my hype person!!!!

Song Recs: Shrike by Hozier; Better As a Memory by Kenny Chesney (don’t come for me if Spencer made playlists this would ABSOLUTELY be on there)

Series Masterlist

———

Spencer made his way to Emily’s office, ignoring the team’s eyes on him— varying degrees of understanding, concern, and uncertainty plain on their faces. As he reached the threshold, he paused for a second before moving into her line of sight. When he moved into the doorway, she looked up and waved him in. He closed the door behind him.

She gestured to the chair in front of her desk. Spencer hesitated for only a split second, but it was long enough for her to notice. He lowered himself into the chair and met her eyes.

She folded her hands on top of the desk. “How are you feeling?”

He drummed his fingers across his kneecaps. “I’m fine.”

It was a lie, and they both knew it. She bit back a sigh and flipped open the folder in front of her. “I’m finished with the official report. I wanted to go over it with you before I submit it to the director.” She looked at him briefly before reading out the report. “On January 9th, our team pursued a lead at the residence of suspect Andrew Hurley. We divided into teams to cover the two entrances to the home, as well as the barn behind the house.”

Spencer fidgeted slightly in his chair and rubbed the tips of his fingers together. Emily continued, “During the raid, Supervisory Special Agent Spencer Reid became separated from the team and was ambushed and disarmed by the suspect in the barn.” She paused but didn’t look at him. “The team was unaware of the altercation for some time, during which Dr. Reid employed various approved restraint methods and was ultimately forced to utilize self-defense measures to preserve his own life. Consequently, Mr. Hurley sustained serious injuries.”

She did look at him then, a steady and unrelenting gaze that had him shrinking inside himself. “However, I have determined that Dr. Reid’s actions were justified in order to maintain his own safety.” She returned her eyes to the report. “Mr. Hurley was detained and treated for his injuries at Sebastian River Medical Center, and he is expected to make a full recovery. Based on the cognitive interviews and physical evidence, a grand jury hearing is scheduled for January 25th.” She brought her hands to rest on top of the report.

“I’ll sign off on it and deliver it to the director by the end of business today.” She let out the sigh she’d been holding back. “Reid.”

He pressed his mouth into a thin line, torn between shame and vindication. “Emily.”

“What happened in that barn was unacceptable. And I need you to recognize that.” Her eyes were back on him, a leader’s gaze boring into a weak link. “You went against a direct order. You put your life in danger unnecessarily, and in the process you endangered this entire team. Furthermore, you could have cost us the ability to close this case, to put Hurley away and bring justice to his victims.”

“It won’t happen again,” he assured her.

“No, it won’t.” Her tone told him that if it did, he’d have bigger problems than a meeting in her office. “My recommendation to the director is that you transition to your next mandatory leave cycle early.”

“I can handle—”

“It’s not a request. You’re on sabbatical starting tomorrow. That’s an order, and one you’d do well to follow.” She closed the file in front of her. “We’ll see you back in the bullpen on March 7th.”

“I don’t need more time off, Emily,” Spencer snapped.

He could see her grind her teeth together at his tone, but he couldn’t seem to care enough to feel contrite. She took a deep breath in through her nose, leveling him with a pointed look. “If Simmons hadn’t broken it up, you’d have killed Hurley on the floor of that barn.”

His mind snapped back to the lifeless eyes of Hurley’s victims— eight year old boys in shallow graves. Boys who died afraid, and in pain, and crying out for their mothers. His thoughts raced to the feel of Hurley’s throat under his arm, the crack of the zygomatic under his fist. Emily was right of course. If Matt hadn’t found them in the barn and dragged him up and off of Hurley’s nearly lifeless body, Spencer would have killed him without compunction.

“Reid.” The stern edge was gone from her voice. Spencer refocused his eyes on her face, now showcasing an underlying concern that made his stomach turn. “I’m not recommending another cycle of mandatory counseling at this time, although I reserve the right to require it moving forward. But… I’m asking you to take care of yourself. You’ve been through a lot in the last two years. More than a lot.”

“I said I’m fine,” he insisted, but there was less fire behind it this time.

“And I’m not saying you aren’t,” she countered. “But I am saying that the person in that barn… that wasn’t you. That was not the Reid that I know.” Emily tilted her head and furrowed her brow. “The Reid I know uses his intellect and empathy to see angles that the rest of us miss. He depends on the strength of his mind and his unwavering compassion to diffuse conflicts without violence. He invites his friends to foreign film showings and puppet theater.”

When he didn’t budge, she let out a long breath. “I want you to take the next fifty days to find that Reid and bring him back to us.”

...

Y/N dropped into her desk chair with a huff. They’d been back from winter break for two weeks, and she already needed another vacation. But tomorrow was Friday, and then they had a long weekend. She could make it through one more day.

She closed her eyes for a long moment, tired in the way that only kindergarten teachers fresh off a long break can be. She heard the click of Anita’s shoes coming before she even entered the room, and Y/N couldn’t stop the twitch of her lips.

“Dude. How is it only Thursday?” Anita flopped down into the plush Calm Corner chair.

“This has been the longest week of my life,” Y/N agreed. “My kids were off the chain.”

“There is so much drama in middle school right now,” Anita groaned. “I can’t keep up with all the tea, and you know how I love to stay up to date on the freshest brews.” She shot Y/N a look. “Speaking of, where’s the good doctor?”

“I think they’ve had a lot going on at work,” Y/N surmised. “I haven’t seen Mrs. Jareau in over a month.”

“Well, I’m getting antsy,” Anita complained. “Thought for sure you’d be going steady by now.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but feel a little impatient herself. If she’d known it would be this long before she’d see him again, she might have made a move when he’d volunteered. Then again, probably not. She sighed.

Her phone chimed with an email message, and she automatically swiped the screen open to read it.

Spencer Reid Re:

Are you free today? If you are, I’ll be at Soho.

...

Spencer sat at the table in the corner of the coffee shop. He sipped absentmindedly at his tea, almost gone cold. He hadn’t waited for a reply before leaving Quantico. He drove straight to the city, figuring he’d wait at Soho until he felt some semblance of calm returning to his body.

He didn’t know why he’d emailed Y/N, and he wasn’t sure he really wanted her to show up. Usually he’d talk to Penelope or maybe JJ. But he’d wanted to get as far from the BAU as possible, and he didn’t want to drag Penelope away from the colorful, safe corner of the world she’d created for herself. He didn’t want to fill it with all the tragedy she’d tried so hard to leave behind.

If Y/N did show, he was certain he could keep the conversation vague, focus on her and the classroom, ask her about her holidays. She wasn’t a profiler, didn’t know his tells well enough. She’d be none the wiser, and he’d have her warmth and presence to focus his energy on, if only for a few hours.

Every time the bell chimed, his eyes flew to the door, searching for her. He knew it was ridiculous. He’d only known her for one hundred and eleven days. Pragmatically, he knew she shouldn’t be the one he wanted to talk to. Realistically, he wasn’t planning to burden her with all of the mess of the past week, the past year, his entire life.

But in the six hundred and forty seven minutes he’d spent with her since September, he’d felt more like himself than he ever had. He was never afraid to be himself with her— the silly story voices, the ridiculous costume, the magic trick, the vulnerability about his mom. All of these pieces of himself were things he usually waited years to show people. It had taken her a matter of weeks to draw them out.

He couldn’t help but believe that if he wanted to, he could tell her everything. She’d know exactly what to say. She’d listen for as long as he could keep talking. She’d cover his shaking hands and wrap him up in the warmth of her spirit. She’d give of herself to guide him back to the person he used to be. She’d be more than willing to use her radiance to illuminate the dark so that he might have a little light again.

The bell sounded, and his eyes focused, and there she was. She was wrapped up in a puffed jacket, a bright blue scarf tied around her neck. Her nose was adorably red from the cold, and she rubbed her hands together as the door closed behind her. Her eyes found him immediately. A small smile turned up the corners of her mouth, and she gave him an enthusiastic wave. And he knew that he was right about all of it.

She approached the table, unwinding her scarf. “Hi!”

“Hi.”

Her eyes flickered over his face, and then settled on his mostly empty mug. “I’ll get you a refill, and then we’ll catch up?”

He nodded, and she headed to the counter. There had been a part of him that thought she wouldn’t come, but of course she did. For some reason, unbeknownst to him, she liked talking to him. Even among his closest friends, he was often made to feel self-conscious about his tendency to ramble, but Y/N had literally asked him to. She sought him out, asked him questions, listened intently, and remembered things he’d told her. She was kind and thoughtful and genuine. Of course she came when he called.

She returned with two mugs, carefully setting them down on the tiny table. She unzipped and removed her jacket, hanging it on the back of her chair and revealing a crew neck sweater covered in tiny astronauts and rocket ships. When she sat across from him, her hands wrapped around the mug and her eyes met his.

“Hi.”

He couldn’t stop his lips from twitching, despite the events of the day. “You said that already.”

She laughed, and he felt the weight begin to lift. “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen you in forever, so— I’m just making up for lost time.”

“Sixty one days.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s been sixty one days, eighty eight minutes, and approximately,” he looked at his watch, “fourteen seconds since we saw each other last.”

She laughed again, and his mouth completed its curve. She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I like that you’ve been counting.” She let her chin come to rest in her hand, eyes studying his face. “How are you?”

He wanted to lie, but she was looking at him so earnestly that he mumbled out, “I’m managing.”

She mirrored the way he’d looked at her across this same table nearly three months ago. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” That was a lie, too. But asking her to meet him was enough of a burden.

“Okay. Well, if you change your mind at any point, let me know.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Until then, I can just regale you with all the kindergarten stories you’ve missed while you were out saving lives.”

And regale him she did. For almost an hour, he listened to her tales of love (budding crushes were taking over recess time), loss (the class pet— a stuffed zebra— had accidentally taken a swim in the Atlantic on a vacation to Florida), and lessons learned…

“So, in case there was ever any doubt, we are now painfully aware that we shouldn’t attempt to flush our underwear.” Y/N let out an exasperated laugh.

She’d been talking to him for fifty three minutes, and his heart already felt one thousand times lighter. “I’m really glad I wasn’t there for that one.”

“I really wish that was the only poop story I had.” She shook her head. “There are a lot of things they don’t tell you in grad school. I think there’d be a global teacher shortage if they warned you about the amount of bodily fluid management involved in teaching kindergarten.”

She toyed with the edge of her empty mug. He watched the movement of her fingers.

“Do you—”

“Do you—”

She laughed and gestured for him to speak first.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

…

They ended up in Mitchell Park. The trees were bare and the grass was brown, but he was with her, and so it was beautiful.

They’d been walking in comfortable silence, when she asked, “Did you change your mind? About talking about it.”

Spencer put his hands into his pockets. “It’s, um— it’s kind of a lot.”

She shrugged. “I’ve got time.”

“I don’t mean— I mean, it would take some time to get through it all. But it’s also— it’s a lot.”

“We don’t have to.” He could feel her eyes on him. “Do you talk to— someone about it?”

“I talked with my unit chief today,” he answered.

“Okay. But— I mean, have you ever— talked to someone. Like, a professional.”

Spencer bristled slightly. Although he knew she wasn’t passing judgement, her question exposed the reality that she thought he could use it. “I’ve had some mandated counseling over the years.”

“Obviously it’s your choice whether you talk to someone or not,” she mused. “I just— I know that I’ve benefited a lot from seeing my therapist.”

Spencer was unsure of what to do with that information. Here she was, confessing that she went to therapy— sweet, lovely Y/N. In comparison, he wasn’t sure if even daily meetings with a counselor would be enough to tame the darkness that had grown and festered inside him over the years. That sometimes threatened to swallow him whole.

For a long while, there was only the crunch of the frozen ground beneath their feet. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but there was an uncertainty about them that felt uncharacteristically heavy. He was hyper aware of her presence, and so he felt her pace slowing down before she came to a complete stop. He walked a few more paces before it became clear that she wasn’t planning to catch up.

He turned and saw that she’d taken a seat on one of the park benches. He carefully made his way to the bench, sitting beside her quietly. She didn’t look at him, but instead studied her fingernails intently. She cracked her knuckles once, twice, and then turned her body slightly toward him on the bench.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped,” she hedged carefully. “I didn’t mean to tell you what to do, or like, imply that there’s anything wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. I just—”

“It’s fine,” Spencer assured her. The way she looked at him then— like he was something fragile, delicate— made his eyes burn. He kept his voice even. “I know what you meant.”

She smiled, eyes crinkling and filled with something that felt familiar and far away all at once. “Good. I can’t have you out here thinking you’re anything less than wonderful.”

He couldn’t stop looking at her, attempting to solve the impossible cypher behind her irises. As he failed to decode it, his inability to read her blinded him to what came next. He missed the dilation of her pupils, the way her tongue darted out to wet her lips, the increase of the beats in her carotid. So when she leaned in and pressed her mouth to his, he was momentarily paralyzed.

Her lips were so soft against his slightly chapped ones, pressing with a perfectly gentle pressure. She brought her hand up to cradle his cheek, the pads of her fingers just barely ghosting the curls falling around his ear. She sighed into his mouth and pressed a little closer. He took one peaceful moment to bask in the realization of a desire he’d had for almost four months.

And then she swiped the very tentative tip of her tongue against the seam of his mouth, and his hands involuntarily wound into her hair, dragging her closer. He opened his mouth against hers to swallow her sweet little gasp. His grip on her hair tightened, and she let out the tiniest mewl, and like a switch had flipped— suddenly his mind was full of the darkness she’d spent the evening chasing away.

Y/N beneath him in the dark. Maeve in a pool of blood. His hands around Cat’s neck. His mother’s slap against his cheek. Max walking away from him. His fingers pressing the plunger on a dirty syringe. The slam of the door behind his father. Y/N calling out his name. A knife at his throat under a canopy of bones. Innumerable sets of lifeless eyes staring up at him. His life being snuffed out on the dirt floor of a shed. The clanging of metal bars and fingers ghosting over old bruises. Y/N looking at him with warm, loving eyes. The violent crack of bone underneath his fists. Y/N’s face, lovely and perfect— and then twisted in pain.

He broke away from her, releasing his hold on her hair and pushing her back into the bench. He took a second to gather himself before he dared to look at her. Her hair was tousled from his rough grip; her eyes were half-lidded and focused on him; her lips were red and kiss-bruised and turned up in a small, sweet smile.

And all at once he knew he had to hurt her, and it had to be now. Because what Cat had said about him was true. He might have escaped his mother’s illness, but he hadn’t been able to outrun the violence— and unlike her, he didn’t have the excuse of being sick. He had hurt people, and he had enjoyed it. He would have killed Hurley, and he would have slept soundly. He was no better than the men his team hunted.

Every time he thought he’d moved past it, that wickedness lurking just under the surface would grab him by the throat, choking everything else out. Emily’s directive rang in his ears. Find that Reid and bring him back to us. He knew who she was talking about. The problem was, he wasn’t sure that person still existed.

He was going to hurt Y/N eventually. Better to do it now, before things got too far.

“You’re Michael’s teacher,” he said, as evenly as possible.

Her smile faltered, and she pressed her lips together. He could still feel the phantom press of them against his own, and he was sure he’d never forget it. She cleared her throat. “You’re right, you’re totally right. I, um— I won’t be in a few months, and maybe then—”

“You don’t even know me,” he interrupted.

Now there was confusion in her eyes. That much he could read. She huffed out a small laugh. “I— I don’t think that’s entirely true.”

He looked directly at her. “Why? Because you read my bio on a university website? Because we got tea a couple times?” His voice sounded harsh, patronizing, and he hated it.

Her confusion shifted into shock, and he ignored the tug on his heart. “Are you serious?” she questioned, genuinely searching for a sign that he was joking.

“Dead serious.” He shrugged, and it felt like his bones were breaking. “You don’t really know anything about me, Y/N. If you did, you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

“Where— where is this coming from?” Her voice was small, close to breaking. He lined up the last nail on the lid of the coffin.

“Maybe I gave you the wrong impression. I’ve appreciated talking to you. Volunteering in your classroom was entertaining. But I don’t— I don’t see you that way.” It was a lie, and if he didn’t have such a practiced poker face, she might have seen through it. As it was, his poker face had helped get him banned from every casino in Vegas, so he watched her as he hammered the final nail. “You’re just Michael’s kindergarten teacher.”

“Oh.” The hurt flashed across her features— the furrow of her brow, the tightening of her mouth, the storm clouds in her eyes. “Well, I— I really read this wrong, huh?” She laughed, but there was no humor in it.

“Yeah.” He put his hands into his pockets to keep himself from reaching for her, the desire to comfort her a strange juxtaposition to the pain he was intentionally inflicting on her. “I guess so.”

She opened and closed her mouth twice before taking a deep breath and nearly whispering, “Okay. Well. I’m— I’m gonna go.”

She brushed some imaginary dust from her pants and then stood. She turned to him, and he waited for her to explode— to scream and curse at him. But it didn’t come. She didn’t look at him at all. “Um— yeah. I’m gonna go.”

He didn’t say anything, and he knew she’d take his silence as indifference. But he had to keep his mouth shut, because if he didn’t, he’d beg her to stay. He’d tell her every single random piece of information he had stored in his brain. He’d tell her that he loved her from the moment he watched her help a child pick a solution from a pencil box. He’d tell her that he only ever dreamt of two things these days— her or the lives he didn’t save. He’d tell her every single one of his deepest, darkest secrets. He’d tell her that sometimes he was so afraid of himself that he could barely breathe. And if he told her all of that, she’d walk away anyway.

So instead, he watched her turn and start back up the path, hugging her arms around herself and swiping her cheek against her scarf.

When she disappeared over the slope of the path, he scrubbed his hands over his own damp face and let himself break.

———

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