#(and especially for that week of work being during a very bad mental health time)

[kayleerowena]

🔮🗝️ ghost of masks 🗝️🔮

part of my deck of spirits project! i'm posting early previews of most cards on my patreon rather than my public social media, but i really like how this one turned out, so it gets to be posted publicly.

patreon 🎭 tip jar 🎭 prints of the original deck

[andhumanslovedstories]

I’ve been struggling lately with the feeling that my job is pointless. Intellectually I know it is not—nursing is one of those professions where you get to be real smug about knowing the value of your work. But it’s still felt very pointless. Like I’ll start a shift thinking, “what am I even doing here,” and end it thinking, “what have I actually even done.” It’s been a ROUGH couple months.

But I had a really good shift last time I worked, which was good for the soul and also a very useful data point. I got to do pain management advocacy and symptom management, met a bunch of cool patients, did education for new nurses, and had several long heart to hearts, which the kind of midnight heart to hearts that I think are the most important part of night shift, all of that while being well staffed with very pleasant and appreciative patients and coworkers, and I was still like. Pretty depressed. I had a sense of satisfaction and moments of joy and meaning, but it turns out that one good shift did not cure the depression that has been latched on to me for the last few months like some kind of fucked up mental health leech. As I realized I was still depressed and that it was still interfering with my life even when everything was going well, the sense of peace washed over me was the best I’d felt in a while. Because I was like, okay! None of my usual stuff as worked! I have no excuse not to try something new to get my brain out of the shit ditch it’s slipped into.

So I’m applying for short-term disability. I’m worried I won’t get it, and I’m not sure what the next step is if I get rejected, but I feel so much better having decided to pursue it. It’s so much fuckin paperwork for sure, to a degree that’s overwhelming except that that the form could be a checkbox that says, “you want money?” and I’d be like “THIS IS TOO MUCH.” I’m totally not writing this post instead of finishing an email to my manager. I’m definitely not writing this post to avoid dealing with coordinating all my various care providers. I’m certainly not at every moment worried that I’m secretly faking all this so I can get three to nine weeks of a cool summer vacation.

I was thinking about how I almost flunked nursing school in my final semester because I turned in assignments late for a class with a “no late homework” policy. The professor said that this was reflective of real life, where if you miss deadlines you’re just fucked. I ended up appealing my grade and passing, because frankly it was a weak reason for making me repeat a final semester when there was no issues with my actual work or knowledge. During my appeal, I was like “I also think this policy is ableist. Harsh penalties for late work hurt students with health problems, especially chronic health problems when you aren’t asking for one week off due to the flu but instead for a general and never ending flexibility. I’m not trying to make an excuse but explain why this policy is a bad one. Disabled healthcare workers are an asset to healthcare.” I’m trying to remember my own argument as I pursue help. My depression and ADHD and eating disorder do help me be a better nurse, not because like depression gives you superpowers, but because I manage my chronic illnesses every day, in ways that range from hardly noticeable to life or death. Being kind to patients means being kind to myself, and vice versa.

I’m rambling. I really do not want to do this paperwork or send these emails. And I’m not sure if I deserve the leave I’m trying to take. But I miss being love with my job. I miss enjoying it. I wouldn’t judge someone else for going on medical leave, and my job doesn’t want me to burn out or quit. It almost feels like I have to be skeptical of applying for leave because no one else is. Everyone I’ve spoken to has been very supportive, including my manager. And considering how many unpaid days off I’ve had to take lately, disability leave would be an improvement over some of my recent paychecks. All in all, short-term disability makes sense and seems like a reasonable response to circumstances. But FUCK. I wish it required like 90 percent less documentation.

[stary-night]

Siffrin and Loop make me so emotional because it's like:

(In Stars and Time Spoilers, through Act 6 and the Two Hats Ending, content warning for mention of canon unhealthy coping mechanisms and self-loathing)

What if you could go into the past during your period of worst mental health and help yourself? What if you could talk to them gently? Offer them companionship and touch, when they're too isolated to be with your loved ones? What if you could remind them to take care of themselves, to sleep enough, to keep going? What if you could help them find the key they lost for the fifth time that week, help them keep appointments, remind them of what they have to do?

What if you realize, part of the way through, that they are less alone than you were? That, you through being there, can act as a guide, as a support system. That... you're stuck in the past. You see your past self, you see how much their friends care about them. You're not sure if you'll ever see your friends, especially that version of them at that point in time, again. Your past self still doesn't know. They don't see it, just like you didn't see it. And you try to remind them, but you can't tell them, you can't make them see.

You watch yourself get desperate. You see all of your most unhealthy coping mechanisms reflected back at you. You know they make it worse, that they don't work long-term, that they cause you so much pain. You try to tell them. You do everything in your power to tell them, before it's too late, before they end up like you. Before they lose everything.

You can't stop them, because they're you and they have the same self-destructive habits you've always had under stress. You can't let them end up like you. Being where you are has to mean something. You tell your friends, who don't recognize you, who will never recognize you, that you need help. And maybe pray to an entity you know better than to believe in, that someone will help you this time. That you won't be alone in your mind, like you always have been, like you are now, trying to desperately to build a future that will never exist for you, because you already fucked it up.

And... it works. They get help. They know they are loved, that they can get better, that their family cares about them. You wonder if you could have had that all along. You wonder if you weren't brave enough, if you didn't try hard enough, if it was possible for you. Is it better if it was? Is it better to have failed at getting the good ending or for it never to have existed, like the light of distant stars, teasing you but always being out of your reach. You can't even measure up to yourself, how can you expect to be enough for anyone else.

And you want to get that happy ending so bad. You miss your friends. You miss being able to build a life for yourself, to have potential. And you worked so hard to help your past self, maybe this is your reward? Maybe that's how the Universe fulfilled your wish. But you look into your eyes, and you see your own fear. Your own grit, your own determination and something different. You see love. For the first time, you feel loved. And it burns. It burns hotter than the starlight that makes up your very being because you are loved and you haven't been in so long and you don't know what to do with it. What is there left to do with it?

But you don't want to fight yourself anymore. You don't want to see yourself suffer. So you leave. And you find something new. And you hope that one day, you can meet again when you're both happy. When you're both ready to be loved, when you can love yourself (and in some way, you think, maybe you already do.)

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

[stevetonyweekly]

SteveTony Weekly - July 7 - Week 27

Sorry this is so late in the day, friends! I spent most of the week visiting my ailing grandfather--we know he’s got very little time left, so grabbing a chance to get to see him was really great, but it’s got all my days off and I just realized it’s Sunday! So you get six fic today as a bonus for being so late in the day. Remember to leave some comment/kudos for the authors who’s stories you enjoy! 

*

how light carries on endlessly by meidui

“I'm fine. I always heal up fine.”

“Do you?” Tony asks, two little words flaying Steve open. Steve looks up at him, and against the dusky light, Tony Stark strangely looks nothing like his father.

-

Between a near-drowning in the Hudson River, a panic attack in the middle of a mission, and a kidnapping, Steve learns to be happy.

my thoughts: ok. So. Listen. If you read one fic off the list this month, make it this one. The care in how Steve’s mental health is handled in this fic, both by meidui and Tony, is just very very special to me. I loved the twists on canon, and the slow growth of their relationship and just how broken Steve is allowed to be, because he never gets that in the MCU and dammit, he lost his whole world he should be given time to grieve and heal. ANYWAY. It’s excellent. Go read it. 

you've really missed a trick when it comes to love by meidui 

Steve thinks he’s happier than he’s ever been, or at least he should be. This is the closest he’s ever come to having everybody he loves in one place and the Compound doesn’t echo with emptiness anymore, and he’s seen more of Tony in the past few months than he has in the last seven years.

He’s still getting used to being with Tony again, this softer, older version of him, and how difficult that makes keeping his hands to himself because all he wants to do is touch him.

my thoughts: i’m a huge sucker for the way that @meidui portrays Steve and how soft she is with him, and this was just--incredibly well done. 

good enough for you by tinystark616

Steve is having self-esteem issues because he feels like he isn't good in bed. Tony finds out and decides to do something about it.

my thoughts: Steve being so worried and Tony being so incredibly satisfied with their sex is just. So good. 

Through the Dark Tide of Memory by scifigrl47

As the Human/Kaiju war drags on, with no end in sight, the occupants of the Malibu Shatterdome have come to be known, worldwide, as the Avengers. No matter how many Jaegers fall, how many battles are lost around the Pacific rim, the Avengers will always come to the rescue.

Until, of course, there's no one left...

my thoughts: Pacific Rim is my not so secret guilty pleasure, and this fusion is just so well done, I love it, especially that @scifigrl47 delves into not just the pilots, but the people who make the jagers work, and why they are so important. Utterly perfect. 

Heavy is the Head that wears the Crown by BladeoftheNebula

“Just remember, and this is essential, you call the King ‘Your Majesty’ during the first introduction and afterwards it’s ‘sir’. Queen Maria is likewise ‘Your Majesty’ and thereafter ‘ma’am’, and Prince Anthony is ‘your royal highness, the Prince of Wales’, and ‘sir’ thereafter.”

Steve was never going to remember all this. Thank god he was never going to meet any of them.

When Steve Rogers moved to London he was expecting the bad overpriced flat and the metric system.

What he never could've expected was that the heir to the throne would fall for a skinny asthmatic from Brooklyn.

my thoughts: i am picky about pre-serum steve fics, but this series does it so well, plus the royal Tony aspect is just--perfection. 

The Song Without Words by Lelantus

Everyone knew what happened when soulmates touched each other. Whether it was hands clasping together, fingers brushing across a jaw, or lips meeting in a kiss - it didn’t matter. Any skin-to-skin contact and chests started glowing with soft, white-blue light. Soul-light, it was called.

Tony woke up in a cave in Afghanistan with a hole in his chest and wires coming out of it and felt his blood run cold. He knew instinctively what it meant. He’d lost his ability to produce a soul-light. And so no matter how much he yearned for it in the secret, hidden corners of his heart, Tony would never find his soulmate.

my thoughts: i’m such a sucker for soulmates and the way that they chose each other and loved each other despite Tony’s inability to have a soulmate is everything to me. 

[squadmuse]

GET TO KNOW THEM ALPHABET

THE SONNY CARISI EDITION

Accessories: do they wear them and what kind?

Sonny has an ever growing collection of tie clips, ties, watches and briefcases that are gifts from you and your kids together, his own buys and gifts from friends and family.

Bad habits: do they have any?

Sonny stretches himself every which way trying to be there for everyone and not realising that nobody does the same for him nor does it do any good to his mental health either stretching himself so thin, even if it is out of the good of his heart.

Clothing: what's their style and what do they wear at home/out and about?

Much like Rafael, Sonny likes to dress professionally at work with three piece suits - preferably Italian. But off work, he likes a comfy Henley or hoodie with jeans or joggers, and he has a few Fordham and sports ones.

Date: what would their ideal first date look like? Do they enjoy datenights when in a relationship?

Sonny, while he loves to cook, will take you out to a cosy Italian restaurant owned by an old family friend or extended family. He wants to spoil you, but at the same time in an environment that is less high strung. Other dates, Sonny enjoys cooking for you and with you. Also he is happy with dates spent home but also out, he loves a good sports game and it’s even better with you.

Emotional: are they an emotional person?

Sonny is very emotional and he wears his heart on his sleeve. He isn’t afraid to cry, but he also gets cranky and angry also too.

Fears: what are they afraid of?

Sonny fears disappointing everyone, especially now that he is an assistant district attorney, whether it is you or his family or the victims and survivors.

Gifts: what makes them happy?

Sonny loves being with family and you, so he is happiest with you all together. He enjoys his sports, photography and his food so any gift linked to that will be greatly appreciated.

Helpful: do they help others, or are they rather selfish?

Again, Sonny is extremely helpful but he overextends himself by trying to be there for everyone and not taking time for himself or letting himself get taken care of. He needs to realise not letting others take advantage of his generosity and attention.

Insecure: do they have any insecurities?

Sonny worries about letting everyone down, about not having his own family & wife, his Catholic guilt and his own abilities as an ADA or personally as a son, father, brother, your partner etc.

Jealous: are they of jealous nature?

Sonny doesn’t get jealous often as he knows you’re the extremely loyal and devoted type. He struggles with a type of jealousy though when he sees everyone starting families and settling down, and he’s still not (although he knows you’re the one, and he doesn’t want to pressure you)

Kitchen: can they cook? Do they have a signature dish?

Oh yes, Sonny absolutely loves cooking and has a wealth of delicious family recipes that he enjoys making for you and with you. It’s a tried and tested recipe, but Sonny’s signature dish is his homemade lasagne that he makes completely from scratch.

Laugh: what makes them laugh?

Sonny gets laughter from his young nieces and cousins’ children with their little stories and antics. He also enjoys lighthearted tv shows that help him destress.

Morning routine: what are they like in the morning?

Sonny will cuddle and kiss you awake, before putting on a song on his iPhone as he showers and dresses. Breakfast is usually something quick and easy during the week, but you make the best coffee ever in his opinion and he gulps down sometimes two cups before rushing out the door. Weekends and holidays are a lot more laidback and Sonny loves surprising you with breakfast in bed.

Night routine: how do they unwind before going to bed?

Now that he is an assistant district attorney, Sonny usually ends up in his study after dinner. But you’ll always make sure he comes to bed and to help him unwind, Sonny cuddles with you as you run your hands through his hair.

Occupy: what does their home look like?

Sonny has a somewhat cosier home than most. It’s still very tidy, but it is one that has numerous framed photographs of you together and his family on the walls, shelves and elsewhere. He has a few high end culinary machines in the kitchen and a study with filled bookcases now that he is an assistant district attorney. His spare bedroom is usually made up for his nieces stay over with Uncle Sonny and you.

Pet peeve: what are things they absolutely can't stand?

Sonny doesn’t like xenophobes or anyone mocking his heritage and culture as he is very protective and proud of it. He also doesn’t like abusers or anyone who hurts women and children.

Quirky: what's their quirky trait?

Sonny will not eat store bought pasta or pizza or pasta sauce - he adamantly says that it is not real and is an insult to the real deal.

Relax: are they easily stressed out or do they go with the flow?

Sonny gets more stressed now that he is an assistant district attorney and can get cranky. He hates snapping at you and seeing you crumble or cry.

Spontaneous: are they?

Sonny tries to be spontaneous and surprise you when he can. When you went to Italy after getting married, he surprised you with a stay in a Tuscan villa where you visited a vineyard owned by distant relatives.

Truthful: how much of the truth do they tell others?

Sonny is very open and honest, but he doesn’t talk about the darkness of his work with you and doesn’t want you knowing those horrors.

Upset: are they upset easily? And what upsets them?

Again, Sonny wears his heart on his sleeve and does get upset easily. What upsets him is his insecurities, worries about you, family and his career. He either comes to you or his Ma or goes to Confession to let it all out.

Vain: how vain are they?

Sonny is somewhat vain. He is always well dressed and his hair gelled to perfection. But when he’s on vacation or it’s the weekend, he’s more lax and you love his messy hair.

Work: what kind of job do they have/would they like?

Sonny worked his ass to become an attorney through years of night school and working as a detective.

X-factor: do they have a talent for something?

Sonny has a flair and talent for cooking and for photography also. He doesn’t get to do the latter as much as he’d like but the former is something he does most days.

Yield: how easily do they give in to something/someone?

Sonny is someone who gives in easily, especially if it’s a friend or family or you. But at the same time he has very deep convictions and they are not something that he would stop.

Zealous: what are they enthusiastic and passionate about?

Sonny is passionate about family, work, faith, food and you.

[trixree]

he is RISEN baby girl

hello hello! yes i'm alive, just very mentally ill. things are on the up and up and i have mega brainrot right now so i decided to try and get back on the "being a person" horse. you may see i've just posted some poolverine smut to AO3 here.

if you've sent me messages during my year hiatus (especially regarding commissions) I love and appreciate you and will be responding SOON, i PROMISE!

long ramble about where i'm at/life update below the cut.

May of 2023, I graduated with my masters. yaaay woo but also booo because it didn't help me get a job at all! i finally landed a paying gig in September of 2023 after sending out quite literally hundreds of applications. i only had two interviews total and a mountain of auto-rejections to show for it and it took an immense toll on my mental health. It started what was (in hindsight) a year of a prolonged downward spiral.

i already really struggled with self worth and turns out riding the merry-go-round of job hunting rejection cranked my depression up to new heights. for the first time in a long time, i found myself so low as to be entertaining thoughts of suicide. my eating disorder peaked the hardest it has since high school. i had also moved out of my parents house and in with my partner May of 2023 and was readjusting to being out of a traumatic environment. i had panic attacks anytime he came into a room too quietly and surprised me for months. I found myself isolated from most of my friends (partly because of my own communication death-spiral depression paralysis) and also because i moved to a different city than all of them to live with my partner again (0 complaints there, i love the city i live in and love my home with my partner and our bird children. however i miss my fucking friends, and the loneliness compounded the Despair Arc i was having.) My fucking health insurance changed because my previous policy holder retired and i lost some medications for a period of time, stressing my body in bad ways. a really bad spell of migraines compounded things chemically for the worst.

i borrowed some money to return to my therapist and my doc recently upped my antidepressant dose, and I can tell that both of those things but ESPECIALLY that last one there has helped already. My partner, closest friends, and even some coworkers have said I seem much better, too. I'm hopeful about it. Optimistic, even!

i did get a job working for a behavioral health nonprofit that provides outpatient psychiatric services in administration. It pays in fucking sheckles and pennies (nonprofits be like) and psych is a challenging environment to say the least. it was another 6-month fight to hammer out disability accommodations with HR. my body is a machine that consumes paid leave. as any of you that have danced an accommdations dance can probably attest, it sucks so goddamn bad. i had basically round after round of requests for my doctors to fill out paperwork that amounted to "will they get better? Are you sure? Alright, please estimate how often this person will need this accommodation in hours per week." of course it took an immense mental health toll, too. i kick ass at what i do and i do it chronically understaffed but it's really hard to feel secure anywhere when you're constantly missing work due to uncontrollable Body Bad Times (migraine, explosive diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, my three horsemen). especially if someone has a grudge, and someone did, which added extra layers of complexity.

i'll be honest, it's good to have something to get out of bed to go do 5/7 days of the week (i was going stir crazy without employment) but i'm running myself ragged and barely making it financially. not only was this body i have NOT built for an 8-5, i have less than 15$ to my name right now to show for it and i keep having to borrow money from my family for medication. but i truly love the people i work with and feel like i get to do good for my community where i'm at, and that's something folks!

speaking of health, i kind of got my gut stuff figured out? not really. but also yes! i don't have a diagnosis of any kind but i have a treatment that's WORKING for the constant nausea i was always blogging about last year. my GI put me on domperidone before meals and oh my god, total fucking game changer. no longer am i burping up half-digested food and walking around with 24/7 debilitating nausea AND my appetite even kicks in when i take the damn pills!!! the only down side is that domperidone is not FDA approved in the USofA because of sudden cardiac failure or what the fuck ever so i have to pay out of pocket for all of it. that's a good 150$ per month on top of all my other medication, so that's a bummer. but god, to have something that works!!! it's been so nice. no sudden heart failure yet, fingers crossed.

i have really bad executive dysfunction when it comes to responding to messages (i currently have 100+ unread text messages from friends and family) but i'm challenging myself to work through my backlog of messages in the coming days, so stay tuned if you've DM'd me in the last year. thank you for thinking of me and i appreciate you endlessly.

as for commissions, my life is just too unpredictable for me to be as consistent with those as i'd wanted to be. as much as having the bonus income was really amazing, i just feel like i'm too flakey and unreliable to deliver on that regularly and that's just a shitty thing to do to someone. (please check your DMs if this describes an interaction we had with me.)

i'm sorry if this decision is disappointing to anyone, but i think i'm going to stick to having a kofi live if folks feel inclined to show appreciation for any fic i post and maybe taking a comm very very rarely, once in a blue moon when circumstances allow. I do want to honor anyone that messaged me about a comm during my year hiatus. Please check your DMs. for my casual reader: none of my current projects on AO3 are abandoned. i've never stopped working on them this past year, even if it has only been in my notes app. i really want to start posting more regularly again. i miss the outlet immensely. I think it's good for me, creatively and for a sense of community. i hope you all understand and thank you. thanks for still being here.

[acourtofthought]

Giving gifts to Gwyn while supposedly in love with Elain and also feeling a spark in his chest for Gwyn feels a lot like emotional cheating and that's triggering to me because I was cheated on by my first boyfriend.

Therefore I request no e/riel artwork during ElainWeek because of it especially not of her wearing said necklace.

See how that goes? It's very easy to play this game, using our past experiences as a way to police what others can share.

Also, Sarah doesn't need to like Tamlin for others to create Tamlain content, that's literally not how fandom works 😂

Sarah also clearly doesn't like the idea of e/riel either considering she had Rhys (someone she loves) hand Az his ass in the bonus, shutting that shit down like a Spirit Store in December yet that doesn't seem to stop Elain Week from turning into another e/riel week.

Sarah once made people believe in Tamlin and Feyre then later told us Tamlin's behavior wasn't appropriate. It seems clear some are still stuck on e/riel in exactly the way many of us thought Feyre and Tamlin were happy in book 1. They're missing how Sarah spoke of Tamlin being the bad guy after Feyre ended up leaving with Rhys, how she revealed the true issues with his behavior in the book which had Feyre's endgame romantic arc. Therefore trying to claim Az's actions towards Elain and Tamlin's towards Feyre's are different doesn't hold any weight because they're at a different point in their setup, Elain hasn't had her romantic arc book yet. The foundations are identical though. Now that we see the path Tamlin went down in book 2 it's really strange how some miss the similarities with what she's doing with the e/riel ship. Feyre and Tamlin had cute moments until she later showed us how toxic they were together. We didn't notice those issues in ACOTAR but she really delved into them in the book after.

Just because Az will not end up written to be a bad guy like Tamlin doesn't mean he wasn't starting to demonstrate the same behavior towards Elain, something he was in CANON called out for by Rhys and Amren. Sarah halted Az turning into Tamlin by pulling the plug on e/riel on Solstice. She halted Az turning into Tamlin by pulling the plug on Moriel. But we saw her write Az as getting into physical fights (or willing to) over these two females, not giving credit to these two females for what they're capable of, getting into fights with their friends over a female (just like the Tamlin and Lucien situation). Of course Az isn't as bad as Tamlin, but the key word to that is yet. Tamlin's rage caused him to explode a room. Rhys knocked Az from his rage before Az did something he regretted. He was on the exact same path that Tamlin was before his behavior escalated and that's why Sarah introduced a new possible love interest for Az. One we see him finally have a healthy and natural reaction too. One he's not overly fixated on being protective of (a major issue for Az just as it was for Tamlin).

Gwyn doesn't have to change Az, she hasn't even done anything but be herself. Az is just different around her all on his own.

Tamlin with Feyre:

Az, Az with Mor, and Az with Elain:

Az with Gwyn:

Just because Bloomsbury added a number for the Domestic Abuse Hotline it doesn't mean that domestic abuse is the only thing that triggers people while reading these books, we all have different experiences so we view the characters a certain way. (Bloomsbury is not a Board Certified Mental Health Professional, correct?). For some of us we do see Az acting a lot like Tamlin at times and time will tell if Sarah agrees, that she purposely wrote him as coming close to falling victim to the same issues but pulled him back just in time.

Therefore any group claiming their trigger is more valid than someone else's, claiming one trigger is more serious than another, is making themselves more important than the rest and is not an all inclusive group no matter what you're trying to convince yourselves of. To gaslight they'll say we're making light of domestic abuse while in reality they're the ones carelessly using abuse as a way to promote their fictional ship by tearing down others (i.e. Gwyn can't have a kinky sexual relationship because of her SA sending the message that SA survivors can't enjoy certain forms of sex).

Someone is always going to be triggered by something, even if it's something you personally enjoy so who is anyone to elevate themselves to judge and jury?

Shaming an actual person by saying they're gross for liking the idea of something in a make believe world, that they're not welcome because of their "disgusting" fantasy is you creating actual abuse to an actual person versus something that only happened to a make believe character of a make believe species in a make believe world.

And yes, horrible things happen to people in real life but Fantasy Books are not real life therefore your real life morals need not apply.

So basically a good tagging system / Master List would be a good way for all to enjoy without people having to be left out because of someone's trauma.

[alotofpockets]

Moon | Wanda Maximoff

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Summary: Based on the song Moon by Reneé Rapp. Reader is having a hard time sleeping after a bad breakup with Wanda.

A/n: This is a repost from an old account.

Masterlist | Marvel masterlist | Words: 1K

Sleep didn’t come easy to you these days, you spend your nights either staring at your ceiling or outside of your window, your thoughts never ending. The lack of sleep caused by your breakup with Wanda was taking a toll on your mental health. Though, your days tend to be better than your nights, during the day you have enough distractions to not miss Wanda. However, the second you flipped the lights off and you’re in this room at night, that’s when your mind starts wondering, thinking back on the time you spent with her. Remembering all the happy memories that you shared, though of course that only made you miss her more.

It hurts that she’s somewhere out there still existing, while you feel like you don’t sometimes. You feel like a robot on autopilot trying to navigate through the week. You get up in the morning, go to work, get home, eat, go to bed, and do it all over the next day. Nothing more than a step by step routine, a mindless cycle, to survive.

It had been incredibly hard to try and not care about Wanda, when all you wanted to do was convince her to stay. In your mind you knew that was never going to happen though, she had made that very clear. Not to say the breakup was all Wanda’s fault though. You had hoped for Wanda to see your point, to fight for what you had, but you ended up having different views. Talking about those differences had ended up in a much different way than you had imagined. 

Wanda had come back injured from yet another mission, it broke you to see her hurt, especially because it happened over and over again. She would come back home with cuts, bruises and broken bones, mission after mission. It was getting bad to the point that you just had to share your thoughts on the matter.

“Darling, you’re hurt again, that is like the third time this month. You have to be more careful.” You said sharing your concerns. In hindsight bringing this conversation up right after she came back from an exhausting mission wasn’t the best timing, but there was no turning that back around. “I can’t very well put my safety first when I am trying to help people, y/n.” Wanda replied in annoyance. “When I am saving lives, I have to put their lives in front of my own, that’s kind of in the job description.” - “I know it’s a part of the job, it’s just that I am trying to plan a future with you but each time you’re on a mission I am afraid that you won’t come back to me, and that scares me. I know how important being an Avenger is to you. How important it is to right the wrongs from your past, but at what point will saving lives and putting your own in danger make it even?” You’re getting frustrated, as all these emotions have been piled up over the past couple of months. You should’ve communicated feeling this way sooner, you realize that now, maybe then you would still be able to fix this.

“If you know how important this is to me, you wouldn’t ask me to give it up.” You take a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m not asking you to give it up. I’m just.. I guess I’m just asking if you can work in the field less. You can be an Avenger in many ways, training or less invasive missions for example. All I’m asking is for you to prioritize our future a bit more.” Wanda was clearly not agreeing with you as she replied back to you with, “That certainly could be a possibility for some people, but not for me. I am not going to change what I love doing the most in this world for an outcome that is up to fate anyways. I’m not giving up on the one thing that makes me feel the slightest bit okay with what I did in my past, not just because you’re scared that I might not make it. I can handle myself just fine and why don’t you just work on being less worried?” 

The tears you had been holding in were now rolling down your cheeks. “I can’t, Wanda. I can’t go on like this anymore. I can’t keep thinking you are going to die everytime you go out on a mission. I can’t, I can’t do this. If you don’t want to try for us, I think this is it.” 

That was the last time you had seen Wanda in person. Wanda didn’t want to fight for your future together, and you couldn’t keep going without any change. So, that’s how your three year relationship ended. A part of you understood that it wasn’t fair of you to ask her to step down, as you knew how important being an Avenger was to her, but the bigger part of you still stood behind your own needs. It would have happened over time anyways but you couldn't imagine staying happy in a relationship where you’re constantly worried about if they’re going to come back to you alive, especially because she had no interest in being safer and more caring about her own life, in any way, shape or form.

The conversation of that night plays over and over in your head, while you’re laying in bed looking out of the window. The moon shines bright and you wonder if Wanda is having trouble sleeping too, is she looking at the moon, just as you are? The night skies stare back at you as in the stars, you can see her eyes. The only place left for you and her to exist. 

As the light reflecting off the moon casts streaks of light onto your face, your last thought before closing your eyes was you wondering, when we’re looking at the same moon, do you miss me too?

💗 If you enjoyed this fic, please consider leaving a tip 💗

[ms-m-astrologer]

The Week Ahead: August 26 - September 1, 2024

We’re in a waning Moon this week. This is not a good time to start anything, but it’s very supportive if you want to stop doing something. (Quitting a bad habit, for example.) While the Moon is in Cancer, it’s a good time to prune things that you want to grow back slowly (like a high-maintenance hairdo?); when it’s in Gemini and Leo, it’s a good time to weed (or get rid of unwanted body hair).

Lunar Phases

Monday, August 26, 09:26 UT - Last Quarter Moon, 3°38’ Gemini

The key phrases for the Last Quarter lunar phase are “turn away,” and “tear down old structures that no longer serve us well.” One way to determine what to do, is to look at what we have lost interest in. What bores us? What do we have a hard time focusing on? What are we using as a distraction? We’re probably mentally sluggish (Mercury rules Gemini, and is stationary), so we’ll be patient trying to sort through our thoughts.

Friday, August 30, 02:17 UT - Balsamic Moon, 22°12’ Cancer

The key phrases for the Balsamic lunar phase are “let go of the past,” and “envision the future.” This is a holiday weekend in the US, and if you have the extra time off, take the opportunity to nurture yourself. Even if you have to work*, you can still make sure you eat comfort food, hydrate, and rest.

* Ms M remembers long ago, when everybody had Labor Day off. We’d all remind ourselves to fill up our cars beforehand, as the gas stations wouldn’t be open on Labor Day. Sigh.

Void of Course Moon

Monday, August 26, 01:40 UT (Taurus) - 03:04 UT (Gemini)

Wednesday, August 28, 07:14 UT (Gemini) - 08:47 UT (Cancer)

Friday, August 30, 15:24 UT (Cancer) - 17:09 UT (Leo)

Monday, September 2, 00:25 UT (Leo) - 03:48 UT (Virgo)

Retrograde/Direct/Etc.

Pre-retrograde shadow: Jupiter/Gemini

Retrograde: Mercury/Leo (until Wednesday the 28th), Ceres/Capricorn (until Monday the 26th), Saturn/Pisces, Chiron/Aries, Uranus/Taurus (starting Sunday the 1st), Neptune/Pisces, Pluto/Aquarius-Capricorn, Eris/Aries

Post-retrograde shadow: Mercury/Leo (starting Wednesday the 28th), Ceres/Capricorn (starting Monday the 26th), Pallas/Scorpio

Transiting Ceres stations direct on Monday, August 26, 07:38 UT, at 7°29’ Capricorn. As she re-retraces her steps in this sign, between now and November 11, we can implement structured plans, with more of an eye on the longer-term. October 10-17 should be an especially productive time.

Transiting Mercury stations direct on Wednesday, August 28, 21:14 UT, at 21°24’ Leo. We aren’t out of the “Storm” until September 3, though, so continue to be cautious!

Transiting Uranus stations retrograde on Sunday, September 1, 15:18 UT, at 27°15’ Taurus. Those parts of our lives that feel stuck in a rut (even if it’s a comfortable rut), are “encouraged” to change, Uranus-style. Look for sudden surprises and disruptions. Uranus stations direct on January 30, 2025, at 23°15’ Taurus.

Ingresses

Thursday, August 29, 13:23 UT - transiting Venus enters Libra

Lasting until Sept. 23, we need to work hard on being more Eleanor Roosevelt and less Lady MacBeth. We want connection, and we need to be honest and reciprocal about acquiring it.

Monday, September 2, 00:10 UT - transiting Pluto retrogrades into Capricorn

One final visit, until November 19. A final chance to work on choosing integrity and responsibility - as opposed to being a status-driven control freak.

Et Cetera

There is one Opportunity Period this week: Wednesday, August 28, 08:47 UT - Friday, August 30, 17:09 UT. “Very good opportunity to implement changes and return to projects that were stuck during Mercury’s retrograde period.” (The next OP happens on Monday, September 9, so if you work with these be prepared!)

Format change - due to health concerns, this week I’m going to cut back on writing posts. Hence I went into more detail with this forecast! After this week, I will probably continue with a “beefed up” weekly and limit other posts to lunar phases.

______________________

Venmo Mary_Brack

PayPal MaryVBrack

Thank you!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being physically close with a guy before breaking up with my ex? (🧋 To find easier)

Sorry for the long explanation!

Last year I( at the time 16, closeted Agender) was dating this guy (at the time 16, M) who we'll call T. Looking back on it I realise I mostly started dating him because he was the first genuine friend I'd made after moving to our country during COVID, and I've always struggled to differentiate romantic and platonic feelings. A few months in I could tell that this simply wasn't working for me and that the only reason I wasn't leaving was because he really really liked me (I was the first person he'd ever dated) and I'd feel guilty for breaking his heart. Eventually I realised I was somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum, so I came out to him expecting it to be an instant deal breaker. He took me being aro much better then I expected and didn't see it as a reason for us to break up ,and I ended up crying a bunch and was so caught up in the euphoria of him accepting me that I agreed to stay in the relationships.

A few weeks pass and things keep deteriorating, to the point where I thought I was ace (I was not. Turns out I just really was not attracted to him anymore) and because I was still too much of a coward to explain my reasons for breaking up directly, I tried to break up with him under the guise of being aroace because I thought SURELY this horny teenage boy would see this as a deal breaker! Again, he accepted me and again I was so full of guilt/euphoria that I let him talk me out of breaking up.

A bit after this, but BEFORE I finally cut off things for real, I a met a guy(at the time 17, m), K, through my friend's sister when I visited their house at the same time as him. We hit it off instantly, both bonding over being aro (though at the time I still thought I was ace) and within the first night of knowing each other we were cuddling, I sat on his lap (I also did this with my first friend but I'd known her for much longer then a few *hours*) and he was coming up and hugging me from behind. I made it very clear I was in a closed relationship, and both me and K agreed at the time that the touching was just platonic, esp since we are both just generally very touchy-feely people and despite T's many more incel-y traits he was never the jealous type.

Me and K met up a few more times, and we continued being touch-y. When he hugged good bye he'd put his hands on my waist, we'd frequently cuddle, he'd lay his head on my shoulder, I'd like down on his lap, etc etc. there was a boob touching incident once but that was an accident so I don't think it really counts? There also might have been an incident where he put his hand up my shirt a bit (like waist level, not bra level). He made sexual jokes about me and the only thing I did to rebuff him was saying that I was still in a closed relationship, not that I wasn't interested. After the third time we met up I finally accepted that I DID like him sexually, and that I was definitely not ace. I know thought crime isn't real but I feel like such as ass for being so touchy with K and using friendliness as an excuse. I AM touchy with my other friends, but even in the moment I knew my feelings for K were different then that.

I broke up with T about a week later (only reason it took that long is cause we live far away and I didn't want to break up over the phone, especially since that's what I did the previous two failed times). Me and K became friends with benefits a few days later. K knows he helped me realise I really needed to break up with T, but I haven't told him how big of a last straw he was.

I do not feel guilty about breaking up with T, he ended up being a huge asshole, however I am very against cheating. No matter how much I hate T for being a creepy bigoted asshole (would nag me about nudes every night, sent me massive paragraph long guilty trippy texts about how bad his mental health was even months after we broke up, is a little too into WW2 and his German great grandparents which makes my Jewish ass very uncomfortable, and he's said a lot of horrible things about me studying Sign Language) he still does not deserve to be cheated on. I feel like I tried my best to correct the situation once I came to terms with my own feelings, but I was still absolute pushing the boundaries even when I subconsciously knew the way I felt about K was different then my other friends.

This all happened a year ago now, My friends who met T and know about me and K are generally on my side because they dislike T, but Idk still feel guilty when I think back on how stuff unfolded. I know it might just be silly teen drama but I really hate the idea of being a hypocrite who preaches against cheating and then does basically the same thing

What are these acronyms?

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

[broomsick]

Is it alright if I ask you for some guidance on connecting with the Norse pantheon? I'm entering into a really scary time in my life, grappling with going to college in the city despite being (up until now) a lifelong country bumpkin and possibly even moving out for the first time, all while being a timid autistic person with a terrible anxiety disorder.

Basically if there's ever a time I'd need the gods to be present in my life it's now, but I still struggle to feel connected with them sometimes. I still connect with them, I've had dreams where I talk with Odin and Thor and Freyr, but I can't say they're a completely consistent part of my life. Sometimes I even question if they're really protecting me, even though I know that's almost certainly the anxiety talking.

Is there anything you'd recommend doing to connect with the gods during a really stressful time? I have a very small and honestly not very impressive altar so maybe I should work to spruce that up more. Any guidance would be appreciated, sorry for bothering you 🙏 Thanks!

Hi there! First of all, I want to tell you that moving out is indeed scary, and it's very brave of you to consider moving so far! I definitely understand your situation, as I haved struggled with anxiety pretty much forever. Unfortunately, being a pagan with this sort of mental health challenge can bring about a lot of insecurity. And I find that sometimes, it can also make us feel disconnected from our spirituality. I don't think that this is something we can completely overcome. As a matter of fact, I find that it's better to ask yourself "why do I feel this way right now?", rather than say "I should be feeling this way, so why don't I?". What I learned with time is that our day-to-day circumstances affect our spirituality more than we think. For example, I often start to feel disconnected from my spiritual life when I've had a stressful week at work, or even just when I try too long and too hard to connect with the Gods. And on top of that, with social media being the way it is, people cant help but compare themselves with pagans who have more time and money on their hands. Now, I'm no expert on all things psychology, but I do know about spirituality. And I know that it comes and goes in waves: every single polytheist I've met experiences moments when they don't feel as connected to their Gods as they used to. Even those whose very career was tied to their spiritual practices. But those are not bad news! It only means that you have a healthy relationship with spirituality, and that you're not letting it overshadow the other important aspects of your life.

But more on the tips to stay connected to the Gods. What I know for certain is that sometimes, we have no control over how connected we feel to them. But there are a lot ways for you to keep them close to your heart. The first, in my opinion, is to make your spirituality into a safe and happy place. Find ways to make it fun! By listening to music that feels spiritual to you, writing down prayers or devotional poems when you’re inspired, wearing a piece of jewelry in their honor, making a Pinterest board into a little online shrine, drawing a rune or sigil which represents them on your skin, making art of the deities you love… In other words, don’t be afraid to mix your passions and your faith. No matter how “casual” it may feel! Sometimes, “casual” is what we can manage given our busy lives (which is why the size of your altar does not matter, it’s the love you pour into tending it that makes all the difference). It’s both perfectly normal and healthy. And if something about your practice/belief doesn’t feel right anymore, simply let go of it. Same goes if you don’t resonate with something that every other pagan seem to do.

Another tip I can give you is to simply try (don’t worry, I will elaborate). By this, I mean adopt simple gestures to honor them, even if there might not necessarily be a response. I find that this is especially important in moments when you struggle to feel the presence of your Gods. Leave them a small portion of your dinner every now and then. Do a little bit of research on this or that deity when you can. And if you’ve got the time, offer them a fruit, or a cup of coffee! Anything will do, no matter how small. Light a candle for them every night (routine helps a lot), and pray if you’ve got something on your mind. It’s normal not to see some sort of immediate response. But if you look around yourself during the day��� if you look at the sunset on your way home from work, at the trees that rustle with the wind, or at the rain pouring outside your window—, and if you listen carefully to what people tell you, you might start to notice some signs. Recurring patterns and omens are a typical example of signs that a deity might send. It’s also fun to draw parallels between every day things and your deities. For example, to think of Freyr when you tend a cute new house plant. Or to pray to Skaði during a snowstorm! I have always loved “inviting” deities to witness certain events, so as to share the joy with them. I simply close my eyes, focus of the deity I want to call out to, and speak their name aloud, or murmur it. Actually, if you’re interested in this topic, I have written this post, which could be helpful to you!

Don’t be afraid to keep trying, that’s my most important tip. There’s really not much else we can do when we feel disconnected from our faith. Make your belief into something that feels right. Spirituality should be a happy place for you, and not a reason for worry. You deserve for your practice as a norse pagan to feel joyful and fulfilling. Above all, don’t force anything: these sorts of moments are inevitable. I’ve known them myself, and so has every other pagan. But things will get better soon, that I guarantee!

[ryder-writes]

Random MHA Headcannons :]

• not proofread I'm srry. TW: sh scars •

In their second year of UA, Tetsutetsu and Kendo decide to start dating. Their relationship is well up until they graduate. They start working at different agencies away from each other, and decide to make long distance work. However, while noting violent or bad happens between them, they just grow apart. They eventually sit down and talk abt how hero work is overwhelming and somewhat taking a toll on their mental health. They decide to end their relationship on good terms. They are sad abt the breakup but still talk to each other once a week or so. During this time, Tetsu goes into a more depressive slump than Kendo. He loved her. He's glad they ended things and still talk. It's for the best- but he misses having someone. During this time he confided in Denki, as they see each other often (cuz their agencies are right next to each other). They grow close and eventually catch feelings for each other. Tetsu falls first but Denki falls harder. They start dating abt a year after his breakup and it's a very communicative, healthy, and loving relationship. They also eventually get married (Tetsu proposes). Kendo comes out as a lesbian and stays friends with the two, as class 1A and 1B meet up and have a party every winter🩷💜💙

Shigaraki is scared of showers because they hurt his scratch marks. There was a point where he didn't take showers and Kurogiri had to gently force him to take a shower. On really bad days, Shiggy would (very quietly, when absolutely no one is around [especially Dabi]) ask Kurogiri to help him. So, being the amazing mother he is, Kurogiri would go tell Shiggy to get his swimsuit on (no nsfw here!) and gently help him wash himself. I also hc that Shiggy has a rubber duck that he keeps hidden away for when he has to take a shower cuz it comforts him (since he never had any bath toys as a kid cuz poor baby had his childhood taken from him).

Bakusquad watches Bluey together- fight me >:(

Gang Orca loves kids. Sadly tho, some kids are scared off by his appearance. While he is sad, he doesn't blame the kid. But if a kid tells him he's their favorite he has to hold back happy tears. He often volunteers at the aquarium and reads stories to kids. He loves to tell them facts abt sea life.

Hawks likes helping lost kids. If they have a bad childhood, if he can at least make one day good/fun, then he's happy. He never wants a child to feel like he did when he was little.

[angryaurikhori]

Smash or Pass FFXIV Edition

Not actually tagged by anyone, but I saw @sunderedazem and @calico-heart do it and figured I should do one too featuring my train wreck of an au ra!

Khorijin Iriq

Quick Facts:

Age: 28 (start of Dawntrail)

Height: 4'9"

Gender: Cis woman

Sexuality: Demisexual/Pansexual

Pronouns: She/her

Pros:

excellent hunter and forager from growing up on the Steppe and training in Gridania. You'll never go hungry, even in the most remote locations!

trained as a bard when she came to Eorzea. She knows all the best songs and stories.

quite playful and silly once she warms up to you.

also very romantic and physically affectionate. Loves to cuddle.

very loyal to her people and will gladly defend them to the death if needed.

she's quite easy to pick up and carry around due to her small stature. If you're close, she won't mind this at all.

Cons:

you might hear her talking to herself. Except she's talking to the manifestation of all her rage and grief. Or the dead guy who was a shard of her sundered soul. Either way, she's got some quite literal ghosts.

tends to shut down and soldier through tough situations, which is great until she realizes what exactly happened and begins to spiral. It's not pretty.

willingly puts herself into situations that are detrimental to her health, physical or mental. Cannot be talked out of it if it's for the good of the Star.

not quite over her past self's ex from the pre-sundering times.

somewhat touch-averse after everything that happened to her on the First. She's working on overcoming that, but it's a struggle. She has to initiate to feel comfortable.

Details to know:

Khori has many battle scars, some from previous Naadams before she left the Steppe, but most were from her time with the Scions of the Seventh Dawn. She's not ashamed of them, but she does look a little patchwork.

this includes her time on the First when she stopped the Eighth Calamity at the source of the problem. The change she's most self-conscious of is the change to her scales.

for quite a while after the First, Khori felt like anyone who touched her risked "contaminating" themselves with any residual light aether that may have remained within her. She was very paranoid the first few weeks after the events in the Tempest, but shes slowly managing to overcome her aversion to others touching her.

prefers tea as her morning beverage of choice, so strong it's almost bitter.

didn't believe in the Twelve until certain events during Endwalker. Even then, she's still not particularly religious, save for habitual prayers to her patron deity, Oschon, at the start of every journey. It's more the ritual itself that calms her than believing a god is protecting her.

she absolutely loves spicy foods. Be prepared for this, especially if she's doing the cooking!

Romantically - Khori is an attentive partner and doesn't shy away from tame PDA, like coiling her tail around her partner as they walk or cuddling. Her love language skews towards doing things to help her partner, whether it's melding materia into their crafting sets or helping them look after the chocobos. However, due to lingering fear from nearly turning into a Lightwarden she tends to shy away from any touches that she doesn't initiate. Despite this difficulty, she's very dedicated to any partner.

Sexually - despite being touch-averse, Khori is game for just about any fun in bed. Just let her initiate. She's versatile, but prefers being in charge, just in case she has a bad reaction to something. Despite her hang-ups about touch, she's more than willing to try anything at least once!

As for tags, if you see this and haven't done it yet, feel free!

[zaevauhm]

Barcelona 1/4

this was actually the first thing I ever wrote` + english is not my first language + mentions of anxiety + 2.4k word count

it’s the first part to a 4 chapter story

‘’Do we have everything?’’ Anxiously, you looked up at your friend Layla. ‘’Yes, let’s go, we will be late, babe.’’ She replied, looking back at you from your bed. You could tell she was really trying to get through to you by the way her big blue eyes were staring you down. The two of you were sat in your bedroom, busy packing two small bags.

You were in desperate need of any sort of escape, the stress about more than one thing was really getting to you by now. Uni, work, not to mention your terrible mental health that seemed to even escape the notice of your closest friends. You were an absolute pro at hiding how you were actually feeling; it was getting scary by now. You were always the person that others leaned on, that others came to for help and support. Always the giver, never the taker. Just the fact that you had friends to begin with, was enough for you. Grateful nature is how you justified your actions to yourself.

It was a no brainer that when your mother, who you rarely saw, called for you to visit her and some other family members during a business trip in Barcelona, you didn’t spend much time thinking about it. It meant a drive of approximately 12 hours, and a week of being away. Good timing, you figured.

You made a call to one of your closer friends, asking her to go with you. Of course, as expected, she was beyond excited. You packed for your little getaway in under a couple of hours, and were ready to leave during the early morning hours. The trip would give you two some much needed time together to catch up and you’d be able to do some much needed stress relief.

Liege, Luxembourg, Lyon, Montpellier…

You’d spend a lot of time behind the wheel naturally, as a 2nd year motorsport engineering student, but for some reason this drive was different. You didn't want to slow down, and didn’t necessarily want to arrive quickly either. Your first long stop to eat wasn’t until you arrived at the very south of the somewhat cold country of France. Carefully you parked at a big gas station, letting out a yawn and grabbing your phone from the console to check some notifications, right before your breath got stuck in your throat.

‘’Are you okay?’’ Layla asked you as she noticed you started to look pale in the face.

You opened your work group chat after hours, or better said probably days of leaving it muted. Your eyes immediately fell on the PDF document that was sent by your boss not long ago.

F1 Winter test in Barcelona 23-25 February, 2022. It is February 22nd today.

SHIT

‘’Uhm yes I’m fine, let’s go inside’’ you mumbled.

You ordered for both you and Layla. Somehow managing to speak a well-understandable French. The two of you ate, a pasta that felt like it was going to hurt your stomach later, but you two were never picky when it came to food, especially not during trips. Layla showing you the guy she was talking to this week, you laughed and finished up before you made your way down the stairs of the restaurant, walking back to the gas station.

Your car was filled up, your body stretched a little bit and your energy reloaded enough for the last push of the drive.

Before you got back into the car, you told Layla you’d go back inside the gas station to take an aspirin quickly. ‘’Just in case’’, you said.

Slightly worried, Layla nodded her head at you, while closing the passenger door of your car. She wasn’t stupid either. It was quite obvious something was going on in your head, even though you were laughing with her just a minute ago.

You left to the bathrooms that were located outside the building, opened WhatsApp again to be sure of what you just read. How could you be so stupid? You completely forgot about it. Was it a good or a bad thing, even?

It was only a while ago that you met the person who you’ve been trying to get out of your head ever since. You remember it so vividly, that one night.

You were sat inside of your car with your colleague and friend Alex. The drivers’ door open, looking down at your phone, waiting for the que that you two could go home. Meanwhile a lot of Marshalls were outside the gates of the Zandvoort circuit, waiting for everyone that was working on the track that day to exit safely.

Mechanics exited, team principals, trucks, engineers, marshalls, eventually drivers as well. A lot of men exiting would honk, wink, smile or try to get your attention in any other way. You remember how disgusting it made you feel. It was late, you were tired, most of the fans had already left. The cold Dutch air that kept flowing in your car was the only thing keeping you awake at that point. You saw fans screaming at Lando Norris, Carlos Sainz and Pierre Gasly. Some of them stopped to take pictures with them, you could see just outside the gates. Good for them, you thought.

You honestly didn’t bat an eye, you were never the type to care for famous people, even if they were F1 drivers. Even if your life constantly revolved around racing and working on the tracks. You figured it's nothing more than a nice feature on your student curriculum. Was that really the reason you started working there, though?

Your thoughts were irrupted when Alex smirked and poked your arm with his elbow. ‘’What?’’ You replied dryly, without bothering to look up from your phone, looking at a story Lewis Hamilton had posted hours prior. You were a complete mess when it came to him, you’d never dare to go near him in fear of literally fainting. That’s how big of a crush you had on him, he was your only idol, the only person you were looking up to. It felt like something completely childish to you, and besides, this was real life. Not some fairy-tale where everything would somehow be possible. He was nothing but a far, far away dream.

’’I think someone fancies you’’, he chuckles.

You look up to Alex and notice him looking past you, to your left. You turn, only to directly meet the eyes of Lewis Hamilton. There he was, in the actual flesh. He drove past you, as anyone else, on his way to the exit. The only difference is that he stopped. For a few seconds you exchanged the most electrifying eye contact you’d ever had in your life. He smiled at you, obviously knowing what he was doing.

‘’Get out and talk to him, this is your chance!’’ Alex shouted. You felt like your stomach had just dropped out of your body. You were perplexed, you couldn’t even think straight. Your mind going blank, and the only thing you could do out of shame, is looking away, you couldn’t afford him to see you while you didn’t even know what kind of facial expression to make. From the side of your eye, you noticed his smile disappearing, waiting for a few more seconds before finally driving off, leaving you behind. You never saw him again.

Even though it was an excuse to get some fresh air and think about what you’re going to do in Barcelona, you got some aspirins from the gas station and a bottle of water. Popped two and swallowed them quickly. You figured that remembering that night would eventually give you a headache anyway. You couldn’t quite believe what happened, even though it might have seemed like nothing to anyone else. That was a one in a million, gazillion chance that he would have been able to talk to you. There was no one around, except your colleague.

No cameras, no interviewers, nothing. Before you go all emotional you stop yourself there and man up. You exited the building to walk back to the car, figuring that you would see what to do with the information of you two being in the same place during the same time again once you get there. Knowing your friend all too well, though, you knew that she was just the right person to tell this to. But how? You were honestly ashamed for not being the strong, confident person everyone thought you were when it came to guys, especially in the eyes of your friends.

You lower yourself into the big, black leather seats of your white Mercedes, wanting them to swallow you whole at this point. Layla obviously looked right through your facade. ‘’You know you can tell me anything, right?’’

‘’Yes, I know’’ you replied. ‘’It’s just stupid, you’ll probably think I’m an idiot for even thinking about this’’. You sighed.

‘’I can literally tell something is bothering you, do I need to beat someone up?’’

You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. You loved your friends; they would go to the ends of the earth for you. Sometimes you wonder what you did to deserve them, being so introverted in contrast to them.

‘’I think I might be in love with someone who is going to be in Barcelona, just like us’’. You spilled.

Layla looked at you more shocked than you’ve ever seen her before. With wide eyes, she couldn’t help but yell. ‘’YOU?!’’

‘’You’re in WHAT? HOW? WHO? How the hell am I just hearing about this now, you little….’’

‘’Well, obviously, you know, not in actual love, just-’’

‘’Hold on now.’’ Layla stopped you. ‘’Start from the beginning. Details.’’

She had every right to react like that, you were probably the last person to let out these words. You never had many crushes, or even boyfriends, despite all of the attention. The last time you were happily dating someone or being intimate must have been years ago. You usually kept to yourself when it came to these things anyway, but there simply hasn’t been much to tell.

‘’It’s nothing, it’s not going anywhere, it’s impossible…’’ you started, tone directly much lower, stopping when you noticed the crack in your voice. You felt so small all of a sudden, trying to push yourself back more in the seats of your car, as if you could somehow hide. You really didn’t want to admit to these feelings, not even to yourself.

‘’Who is it?’’

‘’Lewis.’’

‘’Lewis Hamilton?’’ Layla replied, looking at you, furrowing her eyebrows.

‘’Yeah.’’ You dragged the word out, making it almost questionable, while looking down at your fingers that were resting on the bottom of your steering wheel.

‘’Why wouldn’t that work?’’ She surprised you. ‘’Have you seen yourself?’’  You knew she wasn’t lying to you, you were undeniably beautiful, if you had to believe others. Always being mistaken for some model or some instagram celebrity, especially at tracks. In all honesty, you could have easily passed for one, anyways. Your mental health and self-image would always be your biggest enemy, because even with the daily compliments you got, even from strangers, you would never see yourself like they do.

‘’Obvious reasons.’’

Everything spilled, you told her about your feelings, especially since Zandvoort last year. Layla was carefully listening to you. Nodding here and there, processing everything in her head. You could tell she was going to come up with some crazy solution that only she could think of, you truly loved her for this.

‘’But he noticed you in Zandvoort?’’

‘’Yeah, I guess. He saw me and stopped before I saw him’’.

‘’My god.’’

‘’Lay, what do you want me to do? DM him and say ‘’hey, I’m that blonde girl you’ve exchanged eye contact with somewhere a year ago, remember me?’’ It would sound ridiculous. He gets attention from girls on the daily, there is no way he would even remember me’’. You let out a deep sigh. ‘’But it’s just... I can’t shake him either.’’

‘’Look, it’s not going to be that hard. You’re going to that winter testing, and you’ll get to see him again. I’m sure of it.’’ Layla firmly spoke. ‘’We should go, I feel like we’ve been sitting here for hours, and you have someone to reunite you with,'' she says while squeezing your cheek softly with her fingers, earning a smile from you.

You noticed from that moment her whole focus shifted to you; she would be super selfless for the rest of the trip. You trusted her, and trusted that whatever was going to happen, it would somehow work out. All you really wanted was to get rid of the knot in your stomach, and the best person to help you achieve that goal was Layla. She is the type of person that doesn’t let anything she wanted slip away from her. A quality you appreciated more than ever before now.

It’s 8 PM, you’re still in the south of France, about 5 hours removed from Barcelona.

The rest of the drive was a complete blur, you were tired both mentally and physically, but the first sign that showed ‘’Barcelona’’ in big letters gave you a little bit of energy, as well as terrible nerves flushing through your body, keeping you awake.

You were happy to finally arrive to the hotel, calling a receptionist to send someone to take your bags, stepping out of the car in the middle of the somewhat warm night. You had missed this, the lit- up palm trees, the smell of the salty sea hitting you like you were tens of thousands of miles away from home.

‘’I’m so happy our hotel is right by the beach, bless the wallets of that family of yours’’ Layla joked at you laughing, as she also got out of the car to the sights of the Arts Hotel.

You giggled back at her. ‘’You’re welcome.’’ You didn’t come from a rich family, but certainly a wealthy one. Whatever you would have, you were more than happy to share with your friends. If you could take them with you, you would.

7 AM

Sunrays started to heat your face, as you turned around trying to desperately fall back into sleep. You felt fussy, drenched from the drive as nerves starting to hit you. You hated these types of mornings when the first thing you would feel was anxiety. Slowly moving your arm around to find your phone somewhere between the sheets, trying not to wake Layla. 7:01 AM. Already? Really? You thought. After closing the curtains when you got up to get some water, you slowly let yourself sink back into the big bed. Luckily, the next time you opened your eyes and check your phone 3 hours had passed, and you felt ready to actually start your day.