#(am i personally in a weird spot religiously??)

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

author i'm beefing with: "i feel slight revulsion about the word 'spiritual', it's got negative overtones, aren't you deluding yourself and others with it, keep it to yourself"

same author, literally twelve (12) pages later: *spends a page describing spiritual experiences, sharing them with the world, but insists they don't count as "spiritual" because they're about the physical material world*

my dude it's not just believers who try to have it both ways, huh

[rockofeye]

This is Not Okay.

(I see your asks and I am working through them, promise)

In the last few years, I have generally kept quiet on the amount of unpleasantness that has come bearing the title of Haitian Vodou. I am not the Vodou Police and people have a right to be wrong and make (sometimes terrible) mistakes. Additionally, people genuinely do not want advice or feedback when their mind is made up and they have found what they think is the real deal for them, and that's okay. I don't need or even want to get involved since folks are presumably adults making adult decisions, and I don't need to invite myself to any/every fight where my name is not invoked...or even when it is!

And yet.

Sometimes, it's too much to stay quiet because silence can get people really hurt, or worse. While folks are entitled to their mistakes and entitled not to educate themselves or do due diligence on the people they are granting access to their heads, there's just something that doesn't sit right with me when it's egregious. Long time followers know I have only spoken directly once or twice.

This is egregious, and it's going to get someone killed:

I have received this at least 5 different times today and have had folks genuinely seeking the lwa ask if this is a solid option. I do not know the person behind this and I would hope this is some sort of massive misunderstanding on their part. However, even so, this is awful.

Let's break this down a bit.

Advertising an initiation right off the bat with how many spots you have available says that you are not concerned with who comes in the door or why they are there. Advertising initiation as something to buy is weird even without the bargain basement 'FIVE SPOTS AVAILABLE'. Sosyetes do not need to advertise and recruit; folks come by reputation and general attraction to what the sosyete does.

The fact that there is no information about what sosyete is mounting this is a red flag. No one can undertake initiation alone. It's impossible because the very mechanics of initiation require folks from outside your lineage to come and verify that the work is being done completely and in accordance with the general principles of the religion.

Trying to cast doubt on other places as a way to build credibility is gross, and it is super ironic that they are advertising this as an answer to scams and people who do gross things. Do those things happen? Absolutely. Is this the way to solve it? No. Grift cannot neutralize grift. This is grift.

The big blinking neon red flag sign is the kwakwa/asogwe hybrid initiation. This is not possible and communicates several things, the largest of which is that this person has not received appropriate guidance in either rite because even the most barebones education tells you that this is not possible and could never be done.

Further, this communicates a lack of respect for both rites. The balls it takes to decide that you are going to take it upon yourself to change a religious practice and throw a bunch of stuff in a blender to come up with something new is WILD. This is outright spiritual arrogance that ignores the place of elders, culture, history, and the actual revolution that birthed these things.

Claiming that a person will receive everything they need in one step is lacking in clarity and breaking from the culture of Haitian Vodou, tchatcha and asogwe lineages alike. That is not how initiation works; the process of initiation unfolds over days and weeks and the process of becoming a competent manbo or houngan unfolds over years and even a lifetime. No initiation is a drive through endeavor and should not be treated as such.

'Without the worries of ties to a spiritual house' tells me this person lacks rootedness and perhaps ties to a spiritual house of their own, which is sad. It is not possible to be a manbo or a houngan in any lineage without ties to a specific lineage/spiritual house. It's not possible. Every lineage of Haitian Vodou is based on the lakou, or the compound or yard that a family and community is built around.

What lakou we are associated with tells our stories and gives us our roots, whether we are Haitian or not, or related to our lineage head or not. These stories are vitally important, we cannot function without them and we cannot take Haitian Vodou out of the context that it exists in. We are collectively built from the story that our spiritual ancestors told themselves when they dreamed of liberation and undertook the truly revolutionary action of revolt against French colonizers.

Trying to undo that to package initiation as something unrooted and without community is a slap in the ancestral face and is impossible. It's not Haitian Vodou. We do not stand alone. If you have no community, who will endorse you as a houngan or manbo? How will anyone know you actually are one? I can give you the names of a dozen priests who were active participants in my initiation and can confirm that I have the right to hold the asson. If you have no spiritual community, you do not have that...and you do not have the right to hold the asson.

Learning is different in Haitian Vodou; we learn as we develop and there is no initiation that grants you the immediate access to the inside of your initiator's head. Info farming is not a thing. We learn as we develop, which is why relationships and community are so important. Going through an initiation doesn't give you all the knowledge. Initiation doesn't even teach you things, you learn after because during the process you do not have the right yet to know. Framing all of this as withholding information shows a lack of cultural fluency. Do people withhold in ways that can be harmful? Sure, because there is fault everywhere....but this is not how you solve that, at all.

Most asogwe receive their po tèt; some take it home and some choose to keep it in the temple they were initiated in. Some houses have specific regleman around that, and there are individual circumstances that would keep someone from having theirs but those are instances that people would work out ahead of time. Further, if someone is not comfy with what the lineage they are initiating into does with po tèts, that it something to work out before they initiate, which is why discernment is so, so important.

There are not multiple kolyes given during initiation. In an asogwe lineage, a kolye is made during the initiation process for you specifically and it is large and worn on the body in most places. We do not receive kolye for individual lwa nor are they consecrated in separate ceremonies; this is directly taken from Orisha traditions.

A kwa kwa and a bell are not an asson, and genuinely only a fool would try to bring that to Loko, the progenitor of all asogweman. You cannot mash things together and say they are an asson because you want them to be, or that Loko will give it. I can't even be charitable about this, it's straight up wrong and completely unethical. No one does this. No one.

'Head seals' is wild and someone is going to get hurt. The job of protecting the head is with the lwa, not in the hands of someone doing work. Further, a correct and complete initiation precludes the possibility of problematic possession because the lwa are there to sort that out. Additionally, taking it upon yourself to 'seal' the head a child of Ginen in the name of Ginen is awfully arrogant...are you really going to say you can overstep the lwa and/or do a better job than them?

The work of initiation is incredibly delicate because you literally have someone's head in your hands. People can die when things are done incorrectly, either in the moment or in a long and winding road of calamity. Every single manbo and houngan I know has a story about this. We know what happens when things like this are undertaken because we've either watched the fallout or had people come to our doors in deep suffering because incorrect and inadvisable things have been done to them.

Paying for any initiation through Etsy should speak for itself. That is not how houngans and manbos do business.

What is unsaid in this blurb is that this is undoubtedly happening in the US, because it would never be allowed to happen in Haiti. This says a lot and it's a giant can of worms to open, but when have I avoided that? Initiation does not happen in the US for a lot of reasons. Some folks want to say it can, but it really can't. This is not the post to get into why and I can write more on that later, but that's the long and short of it.

Perhaps finally, my friend Sankofa made a really astute point in another forum: beware anyone in any African Traditional or African Descended religion trying to sell you something ceremonially unique. Our ceremonies are largely the same for big reasons, and an individual saying they are doing something new, like mixing tchatcha and asson or initiating you to your dead ancestors and putting ancestors on your head, is a massive red flag. This is not how culture and traditional religion function. This is not what the ancestors built for us, and this is not what we pass down.

Please, please be careful with your heads. I meant it when I said that people will die because of stuff like this. Please be discerning about who you trust with your head and your life. Take your time and see lots of ceremonies. Pray. Listen for the voice of the lwa which can sound a lot like your intuition. And, for the love of Ogou and Metrès Danto, don't buy initiations on Etsy.

I hope the person behind this post can reflect on what they are doing and re-evaluate their choices. In a perfect world, they would consult with their elders and their mama/papa kanzo for guidance and really, really listen. If they don't have elders and/or an initiator, they should refrain from offering things like this until they do. Different choices can always be made, but spiritual work done out of ignorance, malice, or greed that harms someone can never be taken back.

[morsmortish]

i see you vague posting about a “bones and all” AU, i need more!!!

oh how glad i am you asked. there are many thoughts, many many many things to say.

i gotta admit i only watched bones and all for the first time a few weeks ago but all i could think about the whole time was how similar lee and barty were and then i started listening to a shitload of ethel cain and then i gave in to the voices and started properly thinking about a rosekiller au of all of it combined- i would say while i’ve tagged it as a bones and all au, it’s more of a hybrid of bones and all AND preachers daughter AND all my whirring thoughts on religiously traumatised bcj. (plus i’ve always had a soft spot for cannibalism imagery, which is probably only slightly concerning.)

the plan for the fic is to follow the rough plotline of bones and all (two cannibals on a road trip that fall in love) with a few tweaks. controversially, barty occupies the role that maren has in the film, but only in the sense that he is the main protagonist, and the story is more following his journey of self acceptance than it is of evan’s, who fills lee’s role as the ‘love interest’ who helps barty discover himself and then…well, dies. lee himself is so so barty but i think some of his traits and experiences (i’m solely thinking of the “do you think i’m a bad person?” to “am i bad? am i bad? thread for this) can and will still be a part of barty’s characterisation here.

there are some key changes to the film in this au though. for starters, barty crouch junior is going to be carrying a Hell Of A Lot of religious trauma. i want his dad to be a preacher, the pair of them living in a small town together. barty’s mother is dead, and barty is made to feel sort of responsible for this. the cannibalistic urges he has are kept under lock and key by his father, who essentially tries to scare him off of acting on them, using the threat of what happened to bcj’s mother as a kind of ‘ammunition’ (it makes sense in my head i swear). i want things to be getting progressively worse in this town, barty not being able to control himself as he gets older, i want his father leaving him to fend for himself one day. i want barty fleeing his town as they line up with metaphorical (or literal!) pitchforks outside his front door, and i want him meeting evan a few days later. i want them embarking on a mission to find barty’s father, but, unlike maren and lee, evan and barty are on a road trip to find and kill this old fucker.

evan is a difficult character for me to latch on to in this. he’s similar to lee in the way that he has left his town, he has a (twin) sister waiting for him back home, he’s USED to this life now. he’s very circumstancially (is that a word?) similar to lee, but, because he’s Evan Rosier, he’s just a weird little freak. he fills the ‘part’ of lee in the story but his personality is entirely evan. i want him being off-puttingly pedantic about the people he eats, the way he eats them, how he disposes of the evidence. like lee, he has a system for how to take advantage of his victim’s belongings, but it’s much more meticulous, almost mechanical. he’s somewhat detached from the whole thing. he loves the rhythm of eating someone, unlike barty, who much more resembles a rabid dog. he’s got a system for how he is going to live his life all laid out, and he’s not the most accommodating when barty tries to butt in and change everything around by dragging him along on some harebrained revenge scheme against his own dad. but he can’t help but get sucked into barty’s aura and he can’t help but (albeit reluctantly) drive him all across america in a fuckass truck.

that’s a sort of (extraordinarily long) backdrop for this fic. at its core it IS a bones and all au, but there’s so much to unpack in terms of barty’s religious trauma, which i think will pair so nicely with the cannibalism (↤ top ten phrases ever???). there’s also evan and pandora and their backstory, and don’t even get me STARTED on tom riddle and his Death Eaters (the clue is in the goddamn name).

BUT THANK YOU FOR ASKING ROYAL, you’ve given me such a lovely opportunity to ramble about my thoughts and i’m spiritually lying on my bed giggling and kicking my legs any time i get to reply to an actual ask that an actual someone has actually asked me. the issue is i’m notoriously bad at actually writing these ideas, so this may end up staying as a very developed concept, with a pinterest board, a playlist, a tumblr tag…you get the gist.

[xojennyboo]

A/N: Here’s a little something I wrote out of the blue. Thank you always for reading my stuff. Please like, comment, reblog, and send in suggestions! Happy reading.

Church can be the most beautiful and holiest place on earth, or it can be the most sinful place on earth. I’ve grown up in the church, both my parents being religious but unfortunately, with both of my parents being the priests of the town church, means more responsibilities for me. According to my mother, I have to be an "example" to the girls growing up with the church. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing my participation at the church. I enjoy planning weekly activities for the children. Although these are great things, the church doesn’t define me. I have fun with people who I’ve grown up with all of my life. We go out and party, some do drugs and drink. I think I can say that I have managed to balance the church life and my personal life.

For the past month, there has been talk about the Styles family coming back into town. I remember that they left after high school graduation, along with their son Harry. Harry was always getting into trouble, always skipping Sunday service and partying. Harry and I had our history. In school, he would always flirt with me. It was very surprising that he had the balls to flirt with the priests’ daughter. One thing led to another and soon we had created a beautiful relationship kept from the eyes of others. We had a secret hiding spot in the woods and that’s where I had lost my virginity to him.That was another bad thing on the list of being the priests’ daughter, only daughter. The boys in school were always afraid to talk to me or flirt with me. This caused me to be some sort of a loner, besides my best friend Alice. She has always been there for me and understood my bittersweet relationship with the church. Her parents are very close to my parents, kind of like best friends you can say. Alice and I grew up together and went to school together. She’s basically the sister I never had. Now we’re both 26 and dedicate most of our time to the church.

Today is Sunday, which means an early morning and an overall busy day. I got up and took a shower, getting up at 6:30am in order to take my time to get ready. For my outfit I decided on wearing a black skirt that went down a little below my knees and flowed nicely. The skirt had a flower pattern all around it, the flowers a beige color. I decided on wearing a long sleeve beige shirt to compliment the flowers on the skirt. After I finished doing my hair and makeup, I look at the time, 9 am. Church doesn’t start for another hour, but you still had to get ready for today’s service. I put on my beige heels and made my way towards the kitchen. I was expecting to see my parents down here, but they probably already made their way to the church. Weird. I grabbed my purse and went to my car. The church was only a 10-minute drive from our house. Once I arrived at church, I saw two cars in the lot, one being my parent’s. The other I did not recognize. I parked my car and made my way into the church. The church is huge, beautiful in every square inch. My favorite part was the stained glass adorning the building. I made my way down the aisle, seeing my mom and dad talking to a couple and a third gentleman. As I got closer to them, my heels making an echo sound as I walked, I recognized the couple. I stopped in my tracks as everyone stopped their conversation and looked at me. The Styles family.

“Good morning sweetheart. Sorry that we didn’t wake you, we had special guests to attend and welcome back”, my mother said motioning back to the familiar family in front of me. Harry’s mother spoke first. "Y/n look at you so grown up! Gosh you look more and more like your mother each day!”, she says pulling me into a hug. I hugged her back, glad that the rumors were true. Mr. Styles also greets me and pulls me into hug. “And you remember our son Harry, right?”, he asks. “'Yeah, I do”, I say giving Harry a wave instead of a hug. I couldn’t’t help but feel my heart rate speed up as I look at him. He looked completely different but the similar at the same time. He literally took my breath away at how handsome he got. He was taller than I remember, he had built muscles, grew facial hair, and his curly hair wasn’t as curly as before, more like a natural wave to it. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him as they all mingled with one another. Thankfully he was paying more attention to my parents than at me. You slowly walked away and made your way to the back of the church and into your office. You loved the fact that you didn’t have to share one with your parents. You placed your bag on your desk and turned your computer on looking through the schedule for the day. You really didn’t have a lot planned for yourself just a little coloring activity with the kids.

Since the kids who attended the church were majority minors, your job was to keep them busy and entertained while the parents listened to the sermon. Sometimes Alice would help you with the kids but unfortunately, she is out of town with her parents this week. There was a slight knock on the door interrupting your train of thoughts. “Come in’, you say, and the door opens revealing Harry on the other side. “hey”, he says, coming in and closing the door behind him. Act normal y/n you cannot react to him. “Hey”, you say back giving him a smile.”I apologize for not saying anything earlier, I didn’t know what to say considering all the time that has gone by,”he says. “It’s alright. I felt the same way,” you say to him, silence overtaking the room. “You look great y/n “, he says. You smiled shyly, your cheeks turning pink at his compliment. “Thank you. You look great as well Harry”, you say, turning your attention back to the computer screen that was in front of you. “I see you still react the same way towards me y/n” he says, his voice lower causing your legs to squeeze together. You heard him chuckle beneath his breath before making his way towards you standing right behind you. “What are you working on”, he asks looking at the computer screen. “My schedule", you whispered, not liking the effect that he continues to have on you after all these years. "Coloring with the kids?” he says. I just nod not trusting my voice at the moment. “Mind if I help?” he asks you. “You’re attending todays service?" you turn around in your chair facing him, closer than what you would like. He gives you a smirk right before placing both of his hands on either side of your chair and leaning down closer to your face. He’s now face to face with you, eyes looking into yours and then down to your lips. Your chest rising and falling at a quicker pace than you would like, your breathing picking up at the close proximity.

“Hmmm?” he hums as he closes his eyes and inhales, taking in the aroma of your floral perfume. He smirks before opening his eyes. “Y-yes”, you whisper to him. He smiles, looking at your lips one last time, before pulling away completely and making his way to the other side of your desk. As if on cue, the door to your office opens, your parents coming in. “Honey, service will begin soon. Ready to take the kids to the other room?”, my father asks. “Yeah, actually Harry is going to help me today since Alice isn’t here", I say to my father. "Perfect. Make sure you make Harry feel welcomed especially since his family will be part of the church.”he says. “Of course, don’t worry about it”. I say smiling and getting up from my desk. I adjust my skirt and start making my way to the alter. Harry is right behind me, his footsteps echoing along with my heels. “All you have to do is greet the parents as they come to the front and take the kids, forming a line next to you”. I say to Harry who is listening attentively to my instructions. That’s exactly what we did. Soon we had two lines of children, a total of 20 kids. We made our way to the back of the church and into the cafeteria area since it was the only room in the church that can fit these many kids. “Good morning kids! How’s everyone doing today?" I say to the kids. The kids all together say good morning to me. “We have A special guest today who will be helping me with you little angels. Please welcome Harry Styles “, I say to the kids. Harry says hi to them waving. An explosion of greetings filled the room causing Harry to smile. “We're going to take it easy today. We’re going to start by coloring in your workbooks and then make our way to eating some snacks. Sounds okay?”. I ask the children. They say yes and I tell Harry to help me hand out the workbooks to each child along with the crayons. Once the children are talking and occupying themselves, me and Harry sit towards the back of the cafeteria, allowing the kids to have their space.

“You’re great with them. It looks like they truly trust and love you”, Harry says fiddling with the thick rings adorning his fingers. His demeanors different than what it was in the office. “I love keeping them company. I’ve seen many children grow up in front of my eyes. I want them to feel safe around me. I want them to trust me with whatever they may need. Especially when it comes to them wanting to talk to someone", you say, watching the kids color in their books. “How long have you been doing this for?”, he asks. “For about 5 years now. I enjoy it really. Gives me a small hope that I may have some positive impact on these kids.” I stayed quiet for a bit until I start laughing at some of the kids who start arguing. These kids were good kids and they always had small banter here and there, but nothing ever too serious. Once an hour had passed it was time for snack time handing out the snacks to the kids. Once they ate their snacks, Harry and I took them to the playground that was at the back of the church outside. It’s a beautiful day out today. I watch the kids interact with one another as I make my way to the swings. Harry just follows. I sit on the swing and soon I feel Harry behind me, my hands on each of the chains besides me. I feel the swing move as Harry slightly pushes me. “Harry, what are you trying to do?”, I ask him, stopping the movements of the swing. He sighs, not saying anything as he sits next to me on the empty swing. I roll my eyes, frustrated by his lack of words, before getting up and strolling along the playground watching that the kids were being careful. After half an hour not saying anything to one another, we gathered the kids to go back inside. The sermon should he over by now. We both take the kids back to the main room, taking each kid to their parents.

Everyone leaves, giving me the chance to escape. I grabbed my belongings and made my way to the car, driving to the nearby coffee shop. I haven’t eaten breakfast, and I was starving. I ordered a muffin and a white chocolate mocha latte. I loved coming to this café, since it always gave me a feeling that I was at home. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened today in your office. The feeling he gave you felt exactly like how it was in high school. It infuriated me that he was still able to make you feel that way. I had a crush on him back then, but I always thought that it was because he was the only one giving me attention. What game is he trying to play? Why did you feel the way you did? Why did you want his lips to press to yours? I finished my breakfast and made my way back home. My mom and dad weren’t there yet assuming that they were still at the church. I went to my room and started planning next week's schedule. After, I did my bible study since I didn’t attend the sermon. Once I was finished, I looked at the clock to see that it was already dinner time. Your parents still weren’t home. You texted your mother asking where they were. According to her, they were spending time with the Styles and were going to have dinner. Great, another lonely night. I got off my bed and made my way to the living room, turning on the TV to watch Netflix.

I was halfway done with the episode when the doorbell rang. Who could it be at this hour? I opened the door to see Harry standing there with a box of pizza in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. “Care to have dinner with an old friend?" he asks. “Depends, are you planning on acting childish and continue not to talk to me?”, I ask. “I won’t be children, I promise", he says. I open the door and allow him to come in. “Looks exactly the same since the last time I saw it “, he states looking around the house. “Yeah, nothings really changed", I say, taking out plates for us to eat. He opens the box of pizza, and he gives me a slice before placing one on his plate. He then opens up the bottle of wine and pours some in the glasses that he pulled out from the cabinets. We eat in silence for a bit, my favorite show playing in the background. “Feels like old times yeah?” he says. I just nod my head, my mouth full of pizza. Once we were done eating, we made our way to the living room and watched TV. It was nice but I still couldn’t stop thinking about our encounter in my office. “I apologize for my behavior earlier today. I was out of line. I just... Seeing you again bought so many memories from how we were before I left”, he says, looking straight at the TV. “I don’t even know if you have a boyfriend or not and I just acted on impulse,” he says. “No boyfriend that you have to worry about”, I tell him. The mood in the room slowly takes a huge turn after my confession. It’s the same feeling like in the office. There was built up tension. We continue to stay silent, but this time it was a comfortable silence.

Harry stayed with me until my parents came home. It was very nice to catch up with him after all of these years. He attended university and graduated with a degree in English. Most of the time he dedicated time to his family and tried to change for them and for himself. He mentioned that he had gotten into trouble after moving which made him want to change. He said that he turned to church for guidance but that he wasn’t super religious like our parents. He was glad to be back in his hometown. I was super happy for him. The next couple of months were a blur with the holidays coming up. Me and Harry became super close, as friends, and we were having the best time planning holiday activities for the kids. Everything was running smoothly. I was currently in my office putting our plans in my calendar in my computer. “Hey y/n, the shipment for the holiday decorations is here. Where do you want me to put them?”, Harry asked carrying two big boxes in his arms. "Cafeteria please”, I instruct. Soon he came back into my office. Today, it was just us two in here, both of our parents going out to dinner. “So, what do you have planned for the evening?", he asks me as he sits in front of my desk. “I’m not sure. Probably just grab some takeout and go home. What about you?” I ask him, focusing my attention on him now. “Have dinner with me tonight", he says to me catching me completely off guard. “Once you’re finished, we can go. Just let me know”, he gets up from the chair and leaved my office. Why does he always do that?! He always says some demanding or cheeky comment, leaving me speechless and flustered. I take deep breaths and gather my thoughts and emotions before grabbing my belongings and exiting the door. I walk towards the alter where I see Harry knelt down finishing his prayer. I don’t know why but seeing him do that does something to me. Makes me think about very sinful thoughts here at church! I cleared my throat once he was done praying, his attention now focused on me. “Ready to go?”, he asks me. “Yes”, I say. “Alright let’s go”, he grabs my hand causing a spark run throughout my whole body. We walk hand in hand out of the church and into his car. “Where are we going?”, I ask looking out the window at the scenery. “You’ll see when we get there”, he says. The rest of the car ride was silent. Soon, I started recognizing the scenery in front of me. Are we headed to where I think we’re headed?

I start noticing the familiar trail leading to the woods, coming closer to the cabin. Our cabin from years ago. When we were in high school, Harry and I would come here after school almost every day. There, he would he completely different than how he acted around school. He was the bad boy in high school, but here, he would act like he has been acting now. Vulnerable. My heart rate started to increase as I saw the cabin fixed up, nothing to how it looked years ago. Harry parked the car and came around to open the car door for me. I was too stunned to speak. All I did was walk around the cabin, inspecting it to make sure it was the same one. “It didn’t look like this before”, I say walking back towards him, a smile plastered on his face. “Do you like it?”, he asks. “I love it, did you fix it?”, I ask him in disbelief, his answer just a small nod. “When did you do this? How?”, I had so many questions. “This is the first thing I wanted to do when I came back. This was our happy place when we were younger. When I visited it the first morning here, I was devastated when I saw that it was going into ruin. So, I looked for people who could do the work and we fixed it up. Although I did add extra things that weren’t there before”. He explains. He walks to the front door and motions for me to go in and I do just that. Inside, there was a small kitchen area, dining area, and a bed by the window. It wasn’t a huge cabin, but it was spacious. “I can’t believe you did all of this”, I tell him looking around. “Maybe we can continue to use it again like we did before. Create our happy place again”, he says coming closer to me. We're standing face to face now, his hands on my waist. “Do you remember the night we spent here?”, he asks me. How could I forget. I lost my virginity to him here. I was scared that night. I had told my parents that I was staying over at Alice’s house but instead me and Harry met up here. He had gotten us takeout, and we talked for hours and before you know it, one thing led to another, and we slept together. Although we were young, I knew that I wanted him to take it.

“When I left, I feared you would forget everything we did. That you would be mad at me for leaving and would regret everything", he confessed. “I would never regret what we did Harry. I understood why you needed to leave. What truly hurt more was the fact that you didn’t attempt to contact me at all”, I say, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. “I know Y/N, but I needed to get my, shit together. I needed to change for you”, he says to me. “Why for me?”, I ask, the tears falling from my my eyes and down my face. “You know why”, he says before leaning down and attaching his lips to mine. His hands are holding my face, his fingers wiping away my tears as his lips are dancing with mine. Without breaking our kiss, he grabs my purse and places it on the table by us. His hands are placed on my back, pulling me closer to him. My hands are around his neck playing with his chocolate curls. Memories from that night replaying in my head as the kiss intensifies. Harry walks backwards as he sits on the bed, bringing me with him as I straddle his waist. He positions himself leaning against the wall by the window. He breaks the kiss and reaches towards the switch by his head. I scrunch my eyebrows in confusing. He flicks the light switch and soon the cabin is lit up by small fairy lights. I gasp as I look outside noticing that the trees surrounding the cabin are also lit up all around in white lights. "Harry!", I say in excitement. All he does is let out a chuckle as he brings his lips against mine again. This time the kiss is more intense. We're pulling each other closer, our want for one another consuming us. “Do you trust me?”, he says against my lips.” Always”, I answer against his lips. He removed my cardigan slowly, my arms exposed. He kisses up my arm and removes my shirt. He admired my breasts as he starts placing kisses on my neck and chest. I grab the hem of his shirt and removed it exposing his upper body that is now filled with many tattoos. I gasp, my hands reaching down to the butterfly tattoo on his abdomen. “Do you like them?” he asks looking at my movements and reaction intensely. “Yeah”, I whispered to him, placing small kisses on his exposed chest. He smirks and pushes me down to the mattress, positioning himself on top of me, continuing his assault on my neck and chest. “You don’t even want to know the many nights that I have thought about having you like this”, he whispers in my ear, my fingers exploring his bare back. His fingers make their way to my back and unclasps my bra, revealing my breasts. He lets out a small groan admiring my naked upper body before taking one of my nipples into his mouth. My body instantly reacts to every move he makes, his soft lips around my nipple causing a whine to come out of my lips. His hand reaches over to my skirt lifting it up before he places his fingers on my closed pussy. I moan as his fingers start rubbing small circles on my clit. His fingers moving up and down my slit his fingers circling around my wet hole, causing my back to arch. His tongue flicking my nipple at same pace as his fingers rub me.

I couldn’t help but moan his name at the pleasure he was giving me. He removes his mouth from my nipple, before taking his fingers into his mouth, tasting my wetness. He lets out a low moan causing you to let out a small moan as well. "Delicious", he says as he unzips your skirt and removed it, taking your panties off as well. Without being told, he removes the rest of his clothing as well. My eyes are now distracted on his penis, his size definitely bigger than before. You heard Harry chuckle as he placed his head between your legs. “Enjoying the view?”, he asks. Before I could answer Harry attaches his mouth onto your wet pussy, my back arching at the feeling of his tongue flicking on your clit at a fast pace. He changed from flicking to sucking on your clit, your body always giving him the reaction that he wanted. The noice of his mouth devouring you filled the cabin walls, your moans coming out in soft whimpers. Your hips soon started moving against his lips, Harry moving his head in the same direction as your hips, allowing you to ride his face this way. You felt your orgasm approaching, your small whimpers becoming needy moans for release. Harry wrapped his arms under your pelvis and held your hips down as his tongue licked you completely. His tongue gathering your wetness to cover his tongue. Before you know it, you were moaning Harry's name repeatedly as your legs trembled around his head, your orgasm taking over your body as Harry continued to lick you clean.

Once you relaxed from your orgasm, Harry positioned himself at your entrance.”before I do this, I have to ask a question,” he says. You motioned for him to continue." Have you slept with anyone else? Don’t get offended, I just want to know so I know how I can be with you.”, his question catching you off guard. It wasn’t the fact that you didn’t want to sleep with someone else. You just didn’t like the idea of sleeping with random people. The boys in school were too scared to talk to you and if they did, they didn’t make you comfortable. “No”, you shyly respond. “You’re kidding right?”, he asks making his reaction towards your answer nerve-racking. “no one else has touched you besides me?”, he asks in disbelief. You simply nodded. “Jesus Christ woman. You’re driving me crazy. This might hurt a bit then”, he warns you before slowly entering you. The intrusion causing a stinging sensation for a few. Both of you moaned against each other's lips as Harry held still enjoying the light grip your pussy had on his dick. Once the stinging sensation disappeared, you told Harry to move. He slowly thrusted out and then in, your eyes rolling back at the pleasure you were receiving. Your nails dug onto his back as his thrusts started to pick up at a faster pace. His hands were wrapped around your thighs, his head in the crook of your neck as his thrust were getting deeper into you. The noise of slapping skin mixed with both of your moans caused you to feel wanted and worshipped. Harry’s moans against your ear caused tingles around your body, your second orgasm soon approaching. The bed squeaked to the movements of Harry’s thrusts. His thrusts were so deep that you thought you can feel him in your stomach. “Oh my God you feel amazing my love”, he pants against your skin. His words causing you to pant louder, your moans coming out as your orgasm was starting to take over your body. “That’s it baby, come for me,” he moans out as he attaches his lips to yours, feeling his sweaty skin against yours. Both of your moans spilled out against each other’s lips as your orgasms overtook your bodies. His hands held yours tightly as he rode out both of your highs. At this point both of you were breathing heavily as you tried to calm down. This was definitely more intense than the last time. You felt Harry's weight on you as he slid out of you. Thank goodness for birth control. You wrapped your arms around him, your fingers playing with his hair.

In this very moment you were the happiest you’ve ever been. You didn’t want this moment to end, and you wanted to stay here with Harry forever. You felt Harry shift, completely coming off of you, lying next to you. “That was amazing”, he says laughing. I couldn’t help but laugh as well. I lay my head on his chest, my right leg over his his arm on the bottom of my back. I could near his heartbeat slowly coming down, but speed back up once I start tracing his tattoos. “I really like your tattoos H”, you say to him as you trace the butterfly tattoo again. “And I really like you”, harry whispers to you as his heartbeat increased as well. A smile spread across your face. “I like you too”, you say leaning up to kiss him. “You want to see where this goes?”, he asks motioning to both of you. “I would love to”, you say as you straddle his lips and kiss him again. "Perfect. Then I can guess I can call you, my girlfriend?” he says. “Your guess is correct...boyfriend", you smile against his lips. You couldn’t wait to see where this would lead. You were nervous and scared. One thing that you were sure of is that your feelings for Harry were strong and you felt completely safe with him and that you were ready for all the new adventures to come.

[fanaticsnail]

So you asked me to tell you about my oc and I hope it`s fine if do that here? Just delete this if you meant dm`s.

A little warning first! I can understand english perfectly but never had an opportunity to actually speak or write in it. Grammar will be wrong and sentences will be weird. I am trying my best :)

Her name is Cassiopeia and yes, it`s kind of pretencious, but it has a reason to be. Cassiopeia is from the island on the Grand Line that is living by the religion based on belief that every person has a star watching them and these stars can affect peoples lives. People from this island think of the Sun as a traitor who took away most of the humans to itself and are calling nonbelievers blinded. There is also a a belief that there should always be someone born "under the unlucky star" and that who Cassiopeia is.

What it means is that she is very respected but is treated horrbly. Almost no human contact, abuse from the church higher-ups, limited space for life and the only things she was allowed to learn are religious texts and some basic knowlege about healing herbs and stuff like that. She was also taught to "understand the stars" and she, by her own words, can find anyones star on the sky and translate what is has to say. Whether this is true or not is open to interpretation.

She was rescued from that life by a mink pirate and it is A LOT to tell, and I am really trying to not make this a massive infodump, so I`ll just skip to the result of Cassiopeia living on the tropical island closer to the begining of the Grand Line with the same mink and that mink`s child.

In the following years Cassiopeia was adapting to living like a normal person (and that was a ride on it`s own because her caretaker is a lot like Garp but a pirate and her methods in parenting are... unique. You can spot the wheapons inspired by chakram on the picture and let`s just say Cassiopeia can spill a lot of blood with those and is was a big part of her training)

Cassiopeia also used her chance to reflex on her beliefs and to learn about medicine and flora of the island she now lives in.

And it was proven to be useful when the Kid pirates stopped by and like... immediately got a big part of the crew horrbly poisoned by a local plant. Heat fot the worse of it. In that condition they where found by the mink and she, as a rude and sly person she is, struck them a deal: pirates help her with the local bandits that where causing trouble for some time now, and in return Cassiopeia will save the poisoned.

The next part I will mostly skip too. Just know that my girl was helping to fight the bandits and it was meant to show Kid that she can fight.

Cassiopeia held her part of the deal and helped the pirates bonding with them a little in a process. Since Heat was in the worst contition she spent extra time with him. He liked her talk about how she can "understand the stars" and gave her the nickname Cas.

After that the mink straight up asked Kid to take Cas with him (she was waiting for the opportunity huh) since he clearly needed a doctor anyway and "the girl have to see the world". It took some time and talk but this is how Cas ended up on Victoria Punk.

Cas is very different from your Doc. She does not have a degree and all the knowlege and experience that comes with it, so not the most competent for the job. She also a rather calm person who is (pre-timeskip) has a long way to go to come out of her shell. She lacks a lot of random basic social knowlege too, so sometimes her actions are not the usual way of doing things. For example when she fell in love with Killer, she had no idea that usually this feeling is not openly shown before the "love confession" and just started treating Killer with a lot of attention and owerall showing her feelings, while not putting any pressure to receive any kind of answer.

(Now that I am writing that I realized that your Doc`s personality is way more like another oc of mine where the idea that she is overworked accountant but her office is Onigashima and her horrible boss is Kaidou)

There is a lot more to say about her like her frienship with Heat, why her hair is so long and why it will be cut after the timeskip, how she will obtain Snow-Snow Fruit after Monet`s death and so on... But there is only so much bad text a person can handle and I feel like I am already pushing the limit so I will stop here.

Thanks for reading, here is scetch of pre-timeskip Cas, I promice to draw something for Hey doc later, bye!

Oh. My. Gosh.

Look at her. Cassiopeia is absolutely beautiful. I adore the time you took with the lore. The linking back to the unlucky star is just beautiful.

Makes me think about the constellation for Cassiopeia:

I love her personality of leaping first without thinking about the consequences: favouritism with Killer before the "Of course I'm in love with you." There's something so special in that. I also love the infodump. Learning about people's OCs feels to me like learning about characters in the series itself.

Also, just gonna put this out there, your art style is absolutely gorgeous. The expression, her body language, the way the clothes and accessories are draped, the weapons! I'm melting. I adore her and your plot is incredibly thought out and spectacular. I hope you post more about her!

[our-transgender-experiences]

Hi Alex. Is it ok to vent a little bit a lot? It's completely fine if you don't post any response, I completely understand. This is a HUGE experience prompt to respond to.

I was birthed with the male sex (he/him) so you can call me that.

Over the past year and two months, I've been feeling just a little off. I keep a journal, and have since before that moment, so I have my experience written down carefully. In short form, I don't know who I am. In a longer form, I'm a weird, cringey high schooler who doesn't know who they are, who wears a galaxy backpack to school, who is agnostic (Christian, but can't prove it right or wrong), aromantic, and asexual. My experience isn't special by any means, in fact, I think I fit literally every queer stereotype known to mankind? Here's the best part: I live in Oklahoma, the famous place of Nex Benedict's horrific death.

About a month ago, I saw "Celeste" in a YouTube video about some of the hardest, but most enjoyable, games of all time. I looked it over, it's on sale for $5, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford that. So I got it and finished it within 3 days. I instantly recommended it to my brother, who also happens to be a little queer. He loved it too, but I STILL didn't know the backstory behind that game. Then, I saw the video. It was an amazing reading of Celeste, down to every minor detail of the game. One thing that stood out, was the fact that the both the creator, and the protagonist, were trans women. Even better: it was known for being a wonderful story of the trans experience, and I RELATED TO IT. EVEN BETTER: I had now recommended it to practically my entire friend group, including some incredibly religious people. So what was I gonna do about it? Not care, and continue onto the B-sides.

I want to say 5 days ago was when it really kicked in that "wait a minute, I related to Madeline in a very deep way, and she's a trans..." Now this is the climax, get ready. Because I had been journaling for so long, I had already written about my experience since those early days where I had that so-called dysphoria. And after I realized that could be because I'm trans, I immediately asked my parents what my girl names were before I was born. (doctors didn't know my sex until about two weeks before I was due) "Eden" is a pretty cool name, I guess I'll try it. I walk into my dad's office (works from home) that same day after school, and he immediately turns to me and asks: "So why did you need to know your girl names?" I immediately respond with "... idk?" Very convincing, well done. I text him after I flee to my room, "I'm experimenting, don't take that too seriously" He understands, and I'm at peace. Mom also takes it well, and we're good to actually begin the experiments I was "planning".

First up, change the online bios, like Discord. See how it actually looks on me. AAAAND my best friend sees it within a few hours. Not even prompted, we were talking, playing rocket league, and he just "hey why's your bio say you're experimenting with 'Eden' as your new name?" Explained, but he was in a weird spot. "I'm happy and will support you with whatever you **choose**." Key word there, I'm not choosing anything. I'm actually going with the flow so much more than he could imagine. But okay, we've got a pretty good ally on our side! Going great.

Except here comes "Part of Me" with the anxiety of what could happen, why I shouldn't do anything different around peers, and more importantly why I shouldn't experiment with myself. And to be honest, I believe that part of me. There's so many questions that I ask like "but what if it's all for attention?" or "but you always acted like a boy, why are you changing now? or "maybe the other Christians were right. you are a sinner after all, you're a bad person and you DO deserve to die." You know those.

And with those come the questioning part of it. Am I ACTUALLY just doing what I'm doing for attention? Like I said, I'm a high schooler. I'm a future aerospace engineer for SpaceX, I love computers, and I have top 1% test scores as a sophomore. I'm doing good with school, but that's exactly why I basically have one friend who is also up there with me. I'm not here to brag, I'm here to show that I don't get a lot of attention at school, it's basically all family members who care about me. So again, am I just trying this for attention? I don't think so, but that seems like what my brain would want me to say.

And to be honest, I needed this. I vent every day, but to nobody except Google advertisement algorithms out of Google Docs (my journal). I vent and cry into empty space, but maybe this is finally not just to my phone. This is to another human who I think has had a close experience to mine.

And of course I'm not going to ask you "who am I, who do I like, and what's my gender?" But I am going to ask you one thing: What's your take? I mean this is the trans experiences blog, but I'm not sure if I am a trans. I figured this was the best place to get a good use out of my time. Thank you so much for letting people like me do this, it seriously means a lot.

i'm glad that you feel that this is a space where you can comfortably talk about your experience, and question your gender. My advice, is to keep experimenting,and see where it takes you find out what you're comfortable with, it might take time, and it might change. It took me a while to get to where i am now, and even now i'm not 100% sure. i tried different labels that felt right at the time, but they changed later, and thats okay.

[agentoffangirling]

so here's the thing, your post didn't describe fiction affecting reality but manipulation from others or even grooming

you should know this: all ships are valid. Your 13 year old self did nothing wrong. Being manipulated / groomed into saying "I was wrong for liking a ship" is extremely worrying. Grooming also doesn't have to be sexual, it is essentially someone with power taking advantage of a vulnerable person (you) by posing themselves as their protector/mentor/whatever

other red flags to look out for are things like being told you "deserved to be mistreated because you gave into sin" and being praised if you "have given up that sin and thus changed for the better" because this is the kind of manipulation tactic you find in religious cults.

Here are some sources on how to spot grooming and the difference between an adult who means well and a predator

https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/what-is-grooming

https://safekidsthrive.org/the-report/introduction/other-warning-signs/

https://www.splcenter.org/peril-guide-online-youth-radicalization

and here is a safety PSA to spot grooming in fandom communities

http://web.archive.org/web/20240815114926/https://pbs.twimg.com/media/GTtAK2qWwAApG8c?format=png&name=4096x4096

If you are still friends with these kind of people, I suggest you take a long look at them and ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. Pro-tip: if they still control what you are/aren't allowed to like, if they tell you that you are a bad person because of your past/present fictional interests, then the relationship is unhealthy and these people can and will drop you the moment you don't act in the way they want you to

be safe

I made a quiz about my favorite ships. One of those was that proship. I had a comment one time that was like:

"totally agree with all of these except blank"

"oh why not?"

"well, they're brothers"

"not by blood, but okay"

And my day went on. Another time I went over to a friend's house (who is of the same age as me) to chat with her, and she didn't know anything about this media at all, so it was mostly just me gushing my love about it. She did however, know these two characters were siblings, and brought up concerns that it was weird to ship them. Again, I claimed it wasn't, we went on with our days

I started to realize that I was in the wrong when not only did I think about these two experiences, but I started watching more of the media itself, which clearly put them as brothers. That's not grooming, that's called growing from a kid bc kids often don't know what is right or wrong. They learn from it. It's natural to ship problematic things when you're younger bc you don't know it's problematic, and it's only through interacting with the media and other fans do you start learning. From what I've seen, most pro-shippers are never told no and are given content that reinforces their beliefs. They usually don't interact with the fandom or distance themselves from the piece until later. This makes them think that the ship is perfectly okay. Telling someone no is not grooming

Not all ships are valid if they reinforce toxic behaviors and/or mirror real-life problems. To be told that shipping siblings is bad is not grooming and I am astounded you actually think that. What the actual fuck

[fierceawakening]

So I'm thinking about this whole phenomenon I'm seeing where people are going "What Hamas did is fine because resisting occupation is always messy and we've tried being polite," as if "slaughtering kids and taking civilians hostage" is "being impolite" or something. (The Geneva Convention: A White Thing For Dumb White People, Apparently.)

And maybe I'm wildly overgeneralizing from my own weird experiences, but I suspect part of the reason people are easily swayed to think of "obvious war crimes" as "a little messy" even if they don't see themselves as at all antisemitic might be

When I was a wee Fiercelet in the 1980's, the messaging people like me who are neither personally connected to Israel or Palestine in any way was that Israel Is Obviously Good. The reason given for this is that there were "no other democracies" in the Middle East. Israel was described as this one bright spot of civilization amid some weird Zone of Barbarism, and the Zone of Barbarism wanted to kill them. This wasn't explained in any detail at all, just presented kind of in the way We're Democracy and They're Communism was about the USSR at the time.

The other thing I recall people talking about was Judeo-Christian Values. I know now from constant gripes from Jumblr that this is Not Actually A Thing, but at the time I was too young to really question it. And it fit with the narrative that there were People Relevantly Like Us, The Enlightened United States, in some benighted Nondemocracy Zone.

The Nondemocracy was in some vague way tied to these evil people bedeviling our enlightened ally due to their Being Religious Badly, and only once they somehow saw the light of Democracy could they find a way to Be Religious Nicely, at which point we could call it Judeochristoislamic Values and have a big party ig.

All of which is a long winded way to say it utterly shocked me when I got to college and pro-intifada groups started saying sound bites to me like "Israel has tanks; Gaza has rocks. They're killing people with tanks just for throwing rocks. If your family had been killed by tanks, wouldn't you throw rocks too?" (I am not saying I'm sure this is accurate; I now suspect at least some spin. But this is what other students your age set up a table at a fair and tell you.)

Hearing that throws the whole narrative about how we're supposed to love Israel because they're uniquely lacking in barbarism into the trash very quickly.

And that I think is why it's very easy to convince left-leaning white USians that Israel is settler colonialist and deserves whatever it gets. Because white college students are already beginning to see that while democracy is good, the jingoism we're sold about how we're better than anyone else is wild exaggeration built on an unavoidably racist base.

So when someone says "the only reason you think Hamas are terrorists is because they're brown and you've been told they're antidemocratic," it's very easy to go "huh. Maybe so," even if you don't buy into obvious antisemitic conspiracy theories or anything else like that.

Which is why it's so important to have all the facts about what everyone is actually doing, and consider them against the backdrop of what you think just war is.

[milekael]

I want to know more about Nour, she's so miserable (affectionate) ❤️ 💔🍓🚨

OH HELL YEA LETS GO MY WET SAD KICKED ANGRY CAT LOL She IS miserable!! And terrible and I love her <3

❤️ - Who is the most important person to your character? To what lengths would they go to protect this person?

Nour is weird in this aspect because the people she cared about left her, letting her relationships wither as she became more and more resentful, to the point really all that she has left is her job.

Now there, she is very protective of those under her command- I mean, it is HER job! And she knows her captain is too self-centered in her little close-knit group she made for herself to the point of not caring for other officers, so FINE! She'll do it herself then. She is very close to Sergio for this reason, as being the youngest and most inexperienced one, normally gets on trouble. She also has a soft-spot for Lydia, but can do very little to help her as she is under Finn's command.

I will say that during the story however, she and Tania do become really close, so at least there is that!

💔 - Who has your character hurt most? Physically or emotionally? How did it feel? Do they regret it?

OUGH the thing about Nour is that she was the perfect girl for a long time. She peaked in highschool which included bullying the "weird" kids, then, without a lot of prospects of what to do apart from marriage, became a cop because the position of power over others just Fit Her LOL So one can get an idea she has hurt a lot of people through her life and she hasn't really done any work to unpack that- Instead she is in a role that encourages this attitude.

However and what I think is important to note that Nour has been hurt A LOT. This has led her also to think any pain she inflicts on others is justified. She is still terrible but she has basically has sunk down to the spiral of "I am awful towards others, which makes them awful to me, which means I have to respond the same way". It is still a position she put herself into and it doesn't take away her flaws but... well, circumstances define people, there is some complexity in why she acts this way that is based a lot on what has been expected of her.

🍓 - Does your oc believe in anything? Are they superstitious? Religious? Atheistic? Has anything in their past made them this way?

OH YEA! She is highly devout to the main religion of this place (Which- A little behind the curtain, I still need to worldbuild a bit LOL) and tries to live her life based on the perception of what the "Norm" should be. This is why she is deeeeeep in the closet LOL why she tried to get married fresh out of high school and why it didn't work out. Basically she had her whole life the idea of what an idea woman should be, chased it and failed and now she is here. She is still devout to her religion and in a way she hopes one day karma or god will reward her for all this hardship- But also, deep down, she does feel a sense of resentment, hasn't she suffered enough already?!

🚨 - What’s your character’s relationship with the law? Have they ever been arrested? What for? What are their opinions on law enforcement?

She is a cop! And one that has no particular hard feelings over her role- If anything, she enjoys it! She choose this instead of taking the time to become a nurse of something so lol She is the kind of person to believe that "Actually maybe people need MORE policing!". This mindset is the reason why Belen has pushed her away from her group and neglected her, and Nour doesn't understand why because??? She is doing her job???? U know, not to be that guy but to be in a place full of hypocrites who think themselves to be better than her for Well at least I see the problems which make me GOOD, having someone who is just very honest with believing in the bad system is kind of jarring lol.

Anyways. She likes her role and takes pride in her job as a police officer, and mostly is just mad at her boss for being a lying liar who neglects her and others in favor of her special little boy who acts like he isn't getting some special treatment.

[libratxt]

it’s that time of year again… 🎄🎅🎉🎊 no. the highlights of your 2023 media consumption of course! just like last year, i want to know your top 5 films, books, tv shows, songs/albums, pop culture moments if that’s your thing, and as a bonus: any favourite personal moment/achievement in the last year? new to you, new in release, either works! can’t wait to see your response and wishing you a happy new year! 😁🩷

yay!! i was so excited to receive this in my inbox again this year 💖 overall i feel like i consumed less media than last year? but here's a roundup of some of my favorite things this year:

movies

so most of the movies i really really enjoyed this year didn't actually come out this year lol but i really enjoyed:

skinamarink - i love horror and while this one might be too much of a slowburn for people, it really filled me with dread so yay!

birdman (or the unexpected virtue of ignorance) - i'd been meaning to get around to this one for a while and finally did! totally worth it. the writing and acting: immaculate!

stop making sense - one thing about me is i will enjoy a music doc. the energy in this is so so wonderful. i love david byrne, i love talking heads. left the theatre in a great mood

saltburn - a controversial pick probably. but i had fun! don't really care for the criticisms that it fails at being class critique. it's about being a little pathetic freak and wanting to crawl into someone else's skin for me.

crash (the cronenberg one) - another one i'd been meaning to get around to for a while. i've seen most of cronenberg's stuff and i deeply deeply enjoyed this one. it's about sex, it's about violence, it's about desire, it's about all the weird things the human body can do. i love cronenberg and this one was perfect to me. mwah!

music

crash (charli xcx) - i know, i'm a little late. i listened to this religiously this year. having seen cronenberg's crash this year also added a little extra flavor. obsessed. love it. several songs are on my spotify on repeat as we speak.

this is why (paramore) - ahh so much fun! i love paramore, love getting a new paramore album. the remix album is great too. i also got to see them this year and had a blast! paramore was the first concert i ever went to so getting to see them again is full circle for meee.

desire, i want to turn into you (caroline polachek) - fun!! i do prefer pang but i had fun!

skylight (pinegrove) - sleepy, twangy indie album. i enjoyed! it was soothing this year.

joy as an act of resistance (idles) - the opposite of a sleepy, twangy album! i'm hoping to catch idles in the new year since they're stopping in town :)

tv

not a great tv year for me tbh

succession - succession my beloved! banger of a final season. it will go down in the annals of my favorite tv shows for the rest of all time. kendall roy you will always be famous.

adventure time - revisiting adventure time for the first time in forever. it's fun, it's sweet, i have a soft spot for it. i'm on its final season but have yet to finished because i'm emotionally attached at this point.

video games

baldur's gate - all i've done with my time lately is play baldur's gate. eat, sleep, breathe baldur's gate. i have not touched my sims in months because i have no space but for baldur's gate on my computer. finally got a ps5 and immediately got baldur's gate so that i can finally play it properly because my mac can only barely run it!!! i'm emotionally attached to my little tiefling cleric. i am already fantasizing about my next playthrough.

top me moment!

lol as for personal successes this year: i got a fellowship with a really well-recognized poetry organization in my city that i have so much love for and that truly does so much good work for our community. i have been slowly working my way through the ranks. i started as a mentee last year, taught some poetry classes for them, and this year helped run their month-long festival, and am now working directly with them to help plan their month-long festival for next year. it feels so aligned with the kind of career i'd like to have in my life. next goal is to hopefully lock-in some kind of permanent position with them once my fellowship is over. hopefully i will have good news about that in next years wrap up! thanks again for asking this, i truly get a kick out of it!!

[paradoxcase]

Chapter 28 of Gideon the Ninth

I am disappointed by Mayonnaise Uncle's revelation. The most interesting new piece of information is that the shuttle exploded, but he doesn't have anything actually verifiable about what happened to all the children, he just has ideas about ominous possibilities, which really, I think we already had. But thank you Gideon, for finally sharing what you at least thought happened to all the children, 275 pages after we learned they all died. There still seems to be as yet unshared information about why no other children have been born since Harrow, though, how many more pages are we going to have to wait for that? There are barely more than 100 left in the book

My guess is that Harrow blew the shuttle up specifically so that they couldn't take this news to other Houses, and this wasn't like, a plot to kill Gideon or something like that. But if she just didn't want that news leaving Pluto, she could have just let Ortus and Glaurica stay on the Ninth, there wasn't really any reason to kill them. She could have gotten rid of the shuttle to foil Gideon's escape some other way, I'm sure

I am sort of curious about how the Eighth got ahold of Glauria's body or ghost to necromance this information out of her if she exploded in space

Colum is a better and more independent person than I expected. Good for him.

I note that Mayonnaise Uncle originally promised Gideon that he was going to help her "become more than the lock on your own collar" and then really did no such thing, and had nothing to offer other than "the Ninth House probably killed 200 children but I don't actually have proof". Even if that was provably true, he didn't give Gideon any actual way to separate herself from the Ninth House. I'm honestly not sure what he expected out of this, unless it was just specifically a trap to try to take her key, and based on the fact that Colum at least wasn't aware that he was going to try to do that, I'm really not sure what the point of this meeting was supposed to be

Mayonnaise Uncle seems to think that becoming a Lyctor is itself heretical, which is odd, considering that he seems very religious and we have in this book a bunch of priests who seem very keen on one or more of the candidates becoming Lyctors. I'm guessing that the religion as practiced on the Eighth might be more different from the standard religion than Mayonnaise Uncle believes

What I'm getting from the argument between Mayonnaise Uncle and Colum is that on the Eighth they are doing some weird eugenics program to breed perfectly compatible necromancer/cavalier pairs to optimize the soul siphoning process, which probably explains why Colum is like way older than Mayonnaise Uncle despite being his nephew

I hope Colum doesn't wind up being the person to kill Gideon, because that would be Unsatisfying, and also I'd like to see Colum kick Mayonnaise Uncle to the curb now

Belated note from Chapter 27:

This seems to check out pretty well if the Sixth is Mercury, there are actually spots on Mercury in various craters near the poles that never see daylight, also, apparently Mercury has a day/night cycle that is longer than its year, which must do interesting things to whole idea of seasons, but I don't feel like mathing it all out right now. And Mercury actually has huge variations in temperature, due to not having any atmosphere to retain any heat

I can't decide where on the sliding scale of sci-fi hardness the actual sci-fi in this book falls, because it is definitely harder than the kind of sci-fi where they're like, yeah, we just terraformed all the planets and they're all just like Earth now modulo a bunch of sci-fi generators that modify the atmosphere and temperature and so forth, but at the same time it's softer than the ones that say, we can't actually go faster than the speed of light, so it takes literal generations to get anywhere and we all have to go into cryosleep for hundreds of years. And I feel like introducing somewhat magical terraforming is generally more acceptable at harder levels of sci-fi than introducing FTL travel, if that makes sense

[timemachineyeah]

I know Biden recommended cannabis be recategorized from a Schedule 1 drug to something more reasonable but has any action been taken by the DEA or FDA to act on that? I don’t think he can tell them what to do, only make recommendations.

I know this is old news but I’m just having a new bout of being frustrated by our historical and historical and ongoing racism etc. We should have so much more research available at this point than we do. It’s absurd how little we actually know about different cannabinoids and side effects and impacts. My own reasons are personal and selfish but that doesn’t change that it’s an important issue. personal ranting follows

I am, probably as a byproduct of scrupulosity instilled by a frightening religious upbringing, somewhat paranoid about things like cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome. I basically expect the worst possible consequences to hit me immediately from any even mildly hedonistic or enjoyable activity. If something is good for me or I like it but other people fearmonger about it, some part of me always suspects they’re right. Going to hell for being bi, will get pregnant and die if I fuck ever, etc. And I combat this by trying to be informed of real risks and remind myself of data. It is not great at dealing with my underlying issues, but it helps with immediate anxiety at least.

Anyway I threw up before work this morning. It was not a long or violent thing. I took a bite of my breakfast, felt a deep pit of horridness, vomited what was basically just tea into my hand. It delayed my workday because I had to take a shower and wash my splashed upon hair.

I hadn’t had weed in a few days. I had noticed my doses were getting higher and had stopped on my own to save money and do a tolerance break and general health reset. I know this is hard for a lot of people, but while I would be sad if I could never have weed again, I don’t think it would be terribly difficult for me. I’ve quit for long periods before. I could again. I have an addictive personality in many ways, but quitting things like dairy or gluten (things I’ve done in the past for similar “let’s see how I feel!” reasons - chronic illness compels you to try shit) and those are way more difficult than weed.

There are mobile games and websites I’ve found more addictive and detrimental to my health than weed (and that’s without spending money!).

It helps with my pain, with my anxiety, and with my mood. It can help with sleep for me, though I gotta get the dosage right.

But I talked about a different gastrointestinal weirdness a while back - where for a few weeks I often felt an immediate need to vomit (or sometimes have violent diarrhea) upon being hit by the hot water in the shower. Not every time, but often enough to spot a pattern. This was a year or two ago I think? I could find the post but I’m lazy and won’t. But it was irregular enough that I was never able to figure out whether temperature really mattered or anything else for certain before it stopped happening.

and I remember all the websearches at the time bringing back CHS, and being like “this sounds like it describes a higher amount of weed than I am using, and also that hot water relieves the nausea, not causes it, so I don’t think that’s right??”

and it’s probably not. I didn’t always have an iron constitution prior to becoming disabled, and I was already disabled for years for years prior to starting weed. Probably I should do a FODMAP diet or something (I have the workbooks - it’s just a lot of work to go on such a restrictive diet - it’s the kind of thing that takes planning. I was working on it and then got in my car accident and then had a major health crash and just did not have it in me to do more than white knuckle through my job for months while I recovered my energy and ANYWAY), but the point is - I almost certainly don’t have CHS as described. That is not the deal.

But what IF my edible use is doing something? I mean - it could be! We don’t know what mechanism causes CHS. We just know that cannabis is notoriously really good for nausea, except in some rare (but more frequent as cannabis becomes more available) high use cases where it instead causes severe uncontrollable vomiting. It clearly likes to play with your digestion! And we also know that with CHS, for some reason temperature plays a role. Hot baths and showers (and, anecdotally, capsaicin creams) reduce or eliminate the nausea. Seemingly, the hotter the better. It’s the weirdest telltale sign.

And it’s just bonkers to me that we don’t know more about it. That’s all. It’s 2024 and we should know more about the components of weed, what they do, how to separate them out to make various products with more specific effects. And it’s not that no one is working on it, people are. But right now what consumers are left with is that usually the biggest experts are also the businesses growing and manufacturing and selling weed, who have a clear conflict of interest when it comes to how they communicate the impacts of their products, and also aren’t going to motivated to do the same kind of research that someone like a gastroenterologist would.

But that research is so much harder to do because it’s a fucking Schedule 1 drug for no good reason.

I’m just mad I’m not in a better timeline where better science has already been done. And all of this from my anxiety about vomiting this morning.

[thelioncourts]

Is there any ship with lestat other than loustat that you like? I know shippers tend to be like crazy possessive when it comes to him and don't like him with anyone but louis but i look forward to how they handle lestat's relationship with armand

hm. you know, I've got to say no. no, there really isn't any other person beyond louis that I like lestat with.

that all being said! I wasn't lying when I said loumand is a weird exception when it comes to louis. because outside of that, I don't like louis with anyone else either. and even then I think part of why I'm so okay with loumand is because I know it's temporary???

I am realistic though and I know that there are important relationships to both lestat and louis outside of each other! like, I don't like nicki, not a fan of the nickistat ship, but I'm grateful for nicki because I think, in a lot of ways, he saved lestat. and I think lestat and armand have a horribly interesting and wonderful relationship, I just think it's one I view differently than others.

like -- and I'm trying to figure out how to word this -- the best part of lestat and armand, to me, is that it never happens and that it never happens for a multitude of reasons, namely that they're just not right for each other. what I'm really hoping the show focuses on re: those two is armand's idealization of lestat. when armand and lestat meet, the most important part of that meeting isn't any attraction or whatever (like of course they're attracted to each other; lestat looks enough like marius (and is gorgeous) and armand is objectively beautiful), but it's that armand, the leader of this coven, sees lestat and goes, "you are everything I cannot be, but want to be."

lestat and armand have certain similarities, namely their intensity, but they're very different. lestat draws people to him like moths are drawn to a flame. lestat is a natural leader, a dominating personality of charisma and horrible bouts of lashing out. he is both stagnant and everchanging, and despite any and all flaws, those who know him adore him. armand has many people, people that love him, but struggles to maintain them because of his flaws, or because he doesn't inspire the same kind of devotion.

like louis, armand needs something to worship. armand is objectively the most religiously devout in the entire series (something we get a glimpse of with his prayers in ep. 4) and lestat is, as louis says in later books, a god of sorts. and if louis can worship lestat as his god, armand most definitely can too.

anyway, idk where I was going with this. I'm very possessive of the loustat relationship and truly don't love them with other people at any point. I have a soft-spot for loumand (soft enough I'm considering a fic of them???), but, then again, armand is arguably louis' longest lasting relationship, especially in the show 'verse.

[honourablejester]

Numenera Setting Notes: Points of Interest Part I

Just while I’m reading through the core Numenera books (Numenera: Discovery and Numenera: Destiny), plus the Ninth World Guidebook, I figured I’d keep some notes on bits of the setting that immediately jumped out to me. You know. Bits and bobs that would immediately make me want to set a story in or around them, or little details that just make me happy.

Starting from the core book, Numenera: Discovery, and a little bit from the Ninth World Guidebook, and just going with the Steadfast, the group of kingdoms that are the main ‘civilised’ part of the setting.

Part I: The Steadfast (Numenera: Discovery)

The Amber Monolith, in Navarene, a vast floating crystal obelisk in the sky that the original Amber Pope said contained a teleporter to a ‘numenera edifice floating high above the earth’. A satellite installation? Because an ancient religious edifice central to your setting’s main religion that teleports you up to an orbital facility is not at all ominous.

The City of Bridges, in the Sea Kingdom of Ghan, is an offshore capital city for a merchant naval nation that is possibly built on an ancient mining rig. The city is series of anchored metal platforms linked by bridges, including bridges linking back to the mainland, and several of those anchored platforms having what might be ancient drilling machines at the top. And, just, maritime port city with a sailor king that’s built on an ancient mysterious mining facility, there’s nothing wrong in that sentence at all.

Castle Sarrat, in Draolis, which is a self-sufficient, self-expanding building that was taken over by a noble family with a martial bent and immediately started growing. As in physically. As in the building is growing upwards and just sprouts new corridors, rooms or entire storeys every so often. So a) I am getting Gormenghast vibes, and b) it’s your own personal self-growing megadungeon.

The Fourth Mark, an ancient coastal tower in Draolis, because: “That old eyesore gets its name from a legend my grandpappa told me. Folks from that time says there was, back then, more of ’em— four to be all exact. All of ’em standing watch over the firth there. Called ’em the four marks, like they’s marked some special spot or some such. They also says that some folks a-came from across the sea and entered each of ’em, one at a time, and when they’s done, each of them towers sunk into the sea. But when they got to the last one, somethin’ scared ’em outta there. They left it, and there it stands still today.” Very Formorian, Subnautica, who were the people from the sea, and why did this facility, of the four, abruptly resist entry and go dark? (Interestingly, later on we find out that the Eldan Firth, the bay that the Marks are built around, does have an intelligent octopus civilisation in it, ruled by the Octopoidal Queen, which really makes me want to get my pulp sci-fi on in this high science fantasy setting over here)

Rachar, in Iscobal, is a city built entirely inside a prior-age ruin, because then you have a lot of buildings already pre-built to just take over, but there’s also a significant amount of ruined-prior-age-city weirdness knocking around like talking statues, moving walls, misfiring energy fields, etc. There’s a massive hovering ancient vehicle of some kind permanently parked over the city, which is inoperative but used as a lookout post. Also, for fun points, there’s a plaza called the Gelatinous Pavillion which is covered by a canopy of ever-shifting coloured gel, which is just fun.

Rarmon, in the Pytharon Empire, is a city defended by an orrery. A massive metal orrery of the solar system sits within the city, and it can be raised up above the city and the giant electromagnet within the mini-sun can be used as a defensive weapon slash death ray. By the 3ft tall engineer named Garrot who’s in charge of the orrery. This is all excellent.

The Weeping Wanderer of Milave: “An ancient automaton wanders the roads of Milave, damaged and asking for help. However, the fluids it leaks are debilitating and hallucinogenic to humans”. Sidenote: I do like the sidebar each kingdom gets with the ‘hearsay’ and ‘weird’ of the kingdom, you get lovely little gems like this.

The Transparent Palace, the home of the Ancuan king. I just like glass, and an entire castle made of stronglass pleases me. I also like the detail that Ancuani people ride rasters, which are giant biomechanical bat-creatures, and you can have entire pirate groups swooping down to battle on them. The book is clear to note that the Angulan Knights, the Steadfast’s paladin-esque order of protectors, fly on xi-drakes, giant white dragon/dinosaur/pokemon looking flying reptiles, so if you have a battle between a group of xi-drake mounted Angulans and a group of rastar-mounted Ancuani pirates, it’s … a sight. White knights on dragons vs pirates on cyborg bats. Ancuan as a kingdom just really wants to be the cover of a heavy metal album, and I do love that for them.

Kaparin, a coastal city in Ancuan, the home of the Redfleets, a ‘crew of vagabonds, thieves, scientists and other miscreants’, who sail the seas (in both ships and submarines) in search of natural, as in non-numenera treasure, and maintain a maritime museum. They’re basically a roving criminal gang of marine biologists and oceanographers, which is the wildest and best set of words to put together, and I’m in love.

Sea of Secrets. “It’s said that somewhere to the far south is a city frozen in solid ice, reachable only by a stout ship and a brave and experienced captain.” I am a simple woman and I’m always up for frozen polar cities reachable only by sea (or air). Especially in a science fantasy universe like this.

And then one more Steadfast location from the Ninth World Guidebook:

The Canyon of Blades in Pytharon. It’s a canyon full of 15ft tall razor grass that can and will cut you to ribbons, and is tough as all hell to boot. Which. I do love some plants making life difficult for everyone. But. The thing that tickles me is that there’s a village in the canyon whose people just use stilts to get around it without getting themselves shredded to pieces and/or having to spend endless hours trying to hack their way through it. They use the stilts to hunt kolod, little armoured creatures that live in the grass, and the detail that really tickles me is that the village has an Aeon Priest (techpriest) who is desparate for someone to talk to about anything that isn’t kolod hunting. I mean, ideally science and numenera, like in his job description, but honestly any non-kolod related conversation will do. I love him already. His main job in the village is just repairing the stilts. He’s so tired. I love him. There’s also a mercenary company nearby who got themselves permanently semi-time shifted by a nano a while back, so they’re constantly shifting between the present and 30 years ago, and while in the past they’re trying not to influence things, but also they’re impatiently waiting for the previous aeon priest to invent the stilts, and she hasn’t yet, so now they’re wondering if they’re supposed to be doing a Scotty from Star Trek with his transparent aluminium on it and give her a hint. Which is just fantastic.

I’m liking the coastline, I am noticing this. But if you’re in a wonderous science fantasy world littered with the ruins and vast incomprehensible objects of prior lost civilisations, there’s just something about maritime mysteries. Ancient oil rigs/mining platforms turned cities, strange towers that alone of their sunken brethren resisted their purpose, lost polar cities across the oceans to the south. And you can’t give me an entire fleet of pirate oceanographers and expect me not to jump at them?

I also just really enjoy the tendency of this setting to have entire powers and polities and towns centered entirely around one single weird edifice or effect of ancient science-magic. Every town or village or city you go to has its own unique bit of weirdness, without even getting into all the random bullshit out in the wilderness like telepathic faces in cliffs and ominous monoliths that drink rivers and looming Atlantean towers that refused to sink.

I’m getting my full dose of awesome weirdness out of this setting, and it’s making me very happy.

[wrathofrats]

✨ 🌈 💌 for the fic writer ask game !! <3

What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

There’s def a couple answers to this. More than most is probably my part 3 to the Swissdew series I made a couple weeks ago. That was probably the deepest I’ve delved into some things and although I’m more than grateful for the attention that small series has gotten, I think I expected/wanted more discussion on exactly the kind of trauma I was getting at. But there’s more to come from that so I’m not upset, the positivity it’s received has been more than I can ever ask for.

In a much lighter sense probably any of my nsfw work. It’s a funny realization that I much rather write smut but I think I’m genuinely just much better at angst. Oh well! I’m having fun anyways

is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

Again, a couple answers. I try to work really hard on everything I do (as do all fic writers LMAO)

One of them is def Thunderstorms it was one of my first fics to get any kind of popularity and I remember rewriting it so many times. Just re reading and trying to perfect it because of the deeper meaning it has to me personally. It’s one I really want to come back to at some point.

Another very weird one is probably my lollipop rambles which I rewrote a lot and really mulled over for no reason, more than my usual shenanigans

share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Oh dear lord again so many answers. So so much of my work makes me excited to share it. There’s a like 5k swisstom collab that’s been super hard at work for a hot second that I actually cannot wait to be able to share. But for now I’ll share a kinktober snippet from day 20. Because I am so so very excited about it.

(Religious bs under the cut)

"Swiss please, please just touch me"

The cackle he lets out shoots ice down phantoms spine

"Oh honey who said I was going to touch you? You did this to yourself."

"What?"

"Go on, touch yourself, stroke yourself on that pew you just spent so long cleaning yeah?"

He can't bring himself to do it. Hoped Swiss would take control and he couldn't be the one to blame. But being made to get himself off in the chapel?

Horrifying, disgusting, blasphemous

"Please do it Swiss I- I can't"

"Oh and why can't you? Can't touch yourself knowing this is where you worship? Knowing you've prayed in that exact spot? Can't do it can you... must feel so dirty huh"

He just nods

[redwayfarers]

Safe

Fandom: Blood Moon Ship: Angelina x Farro Characters: Angelina Jakovljević (OC), Farroq Khan Words: 1191 Rating: Gen Summary: Farro and Angelina try to discuss an important part of her past.

Read on AO3.

Nero’s note: Now, I’m not normally hugely into vampire/werewolf media. I like it just fine, but I usually prefer other fantasy stuff. However, at a firm recommendation from a friend, I gave Blood Moon a chance and my god, it’s so fucking good, go play it, here we are - two and a half runs in and I’m already writing fic.

What also got me hella interested was the fact that the main pack is Serbian and as you may or may not know, I am Serb myself. So I jumped at a chance to write about my culture in a fantasy setting, and thusly, Ange was born. What more could I ask for but a good muse to write about.

Mind the vague spoilers for the entire game, as minor as they may be.

Full moon’s a very nice time, Ange decides. Her head’s as quiet as a wolf’s head is going to be, and she can reasonably be expected to just rest. Of course, there’s never rest for an Alpha, and she knows this, but by god if she’s not gonna take any chances she can just get as much use of her old, cranky bed with Farro as she can get away with. 

So that’s what she did, and Farro wholeheartedly agreed, so they dropped Hani to Marco with wide smiles and locked themselves in her room. It’s been hours since, and she’s cuddling Farro’s pillow in a piss poor attempt to salvage his full body warmth until he returns from putting his daughter to bed. 

So far she’s counted 10 minutes. When she scents him approaching, she sends out a small, pleased howl that she hopes nobody else heard. While not the most embarrassing thing in the world, given the fact that Farro is her mate, she’d rather not be the subject of teasing for committing the horrible crime of falling in love.

“That’s the fastest she’s ever fallen asleep,” Ange comments when the doors slide shut once more. 

“A miracle,” he agrees, his voice light, but genuine. “I didn’t want to keep you waiting for too long, either. Otherwise, you’d end up– well, like this.” 

“It’s not my fault you’re a living furnace,” she groans and sits up. He’s pulled his hair back and is wearing an old shirt that does little to make her want to not take it off him again. Farro laughs and walks over. Ange likes hearing him laugh.

“Has your warmth been restored, ma’am?” he teases once the mattress creaks under his weight again. Ange curls herself against his side and feels his hand slide down the length of her back. 

“Yes and thank you,” she says in a high voice that for some reason earns her a head kiss. 

“Much obliged,” he responds with a smile. They fall into companionable silence and his hand runs rhythmically over her spine. Up and down, up and down. She’s not immune to a backrub, as much as she likes to stifle the animal in her. Between that and his warmth, the idea of going at it again feels decidedly wrong.

“Hey, Ange,” Farro breaks the silence, “can I ask you a question?”

“Go for it, big guy.” 

“You have a saint’s portrait in your room? I saw it a while ago and didn’t want to ask. But I was curious.” He meets her eyes. “Are you religious?” 

Ange snorts and shakes her head. “That felt oddly serious, Farro,” she replies. “Like it’s wrong to be religious. I’m not, personally, but there might be religious werewolves out there.” 

“It’s perfectly okay to be religious,” Farro frowns and it’s so severely endearing she has to move from her comfy spot and kiss his nose, which makes his brow furrow even more, “I just saw a medal and was curious! And it felt like an odd thing to ask at the time. I saw a portrait in your room when we had sex for the first time the night before a big battle with a vampire.”

“When you put it like that, it is a little weird,” she concedes. She glances at it, standing right at the center of her drawer. Before Lawrence, she kept it in the darkness, but during the renovations of the warehouse, something clicked in her head. She thought it had seen the light of day for the first time since Alek took her in. 

That felt like a lifetime ago. Fuck, it was a lifetime ago. Now she’s Alpha in Alek’s place, and she’s the last one she can afford to lose. 

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s painful,” he says gently. “I’m sorry that I asked.” 

“No, no, it’s good that you did,” Ange sits up and places her feet on the floor. Her footsteps echo in the night. The floor is a little cold, with only a thin layer of socks separating from her soles. With gentle fingers, she lifts it and looks at the painted female face. Venerable Mother Angelina, it says in Cyrillic script.

“The saint I was named after,” she explains. “From my birth pack. This belonged to the Alpha.” She remembers his bright, blue eyes and patchy, dark beard. He hated being called Alpha and insisted on them calling him by his name, Pavle. But he was their leader and he led well. Ange herself never really found it in her to forget that. To her, he was Alpha. “When they were killed, I took this and ran. In hindsight, it probably kept me sane some nights when the moon was loudest. I thought that if I was ever with the moon, I’d tear this to shreds and I would never forgive myself for it.” 

“Ange,” Farro says. He’s behind her, like a big, protective shadow, like Alpha Pavle was. It should be the other way around, Ange - Angelina - thinks. She blinks. Farro’s hand is soft on her shoulder. 

“I still carry his surname, you know,” she continues. She thinks she smells his rakija, and his dark coffee, and her mother’s too sweet perfume. Not even a wolf’s nose is powerful enough to scent the past, but she pretends to do it anyway. “Jakovljević. Might be a bitch to write, but I think I should have it. Alek might’ve taken me in, and I’ll love him for that forever, but my birth pack was good, and cohesive, and would’ve kept us safe if hunters hadn’t come to shoot them all with fucking silver!”

“Ange,” Farro repeats and she clings to it like a lifeline. She thought she was over it. She thought she had it under her paw, but no, it surfaces like a vampire’s rancid stench. “Ange, look at me.” 

So she does, small and in his shadow despite the fact she’s the Alpha, and the world settles. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. Her heart beats in anger, in pain, in the harm to all the hunters she wished she could rip open in the first few months of being a stray. She holds the portrait tight. “I ruined the night.”

peacepeacepeace, Farro howls. Without looking, she sets it down and buries her head in his shirt. 

“I wouldn’t have asked if I knew it was so painful,” he says apologetically. His hands wrap around her. He keeps howling quietly. “And you didn’t ruin the night. I am thankful that you trust me enough to share this with me. And, uh..” There’s a visible, clear as day, as real as their touch pause. “If you ever feel the need to talk about it, or anything, I’m here. No wolf should have to go through that.” 

“Thank you,” Ange replies. Her voice is muffled by the old, stretched fabric. When they return to bed, her eyelids grow heavy to the feeling of his fingers running over hers. 

safesafesafe, she howls softly one last time before sleep takes her. Even Alphas need to feel safe every once in a while.