#(also I already spent half of my money for this month and literally can't remember what on)

[there-will-be-a-way]

Today I learned that one of the peeps at my ward is the weed dealer of two of my former roommates. The world is a small place lmao

[forgotten-daydreamer]

vent

i'm mad as fuck for this landlady thing, and i'm overwhelmed because my mother is always on the fucking phone with my sister and it stresses me out that every time something happens with me, the other one's always the priority. so i went to my room (i'm staying at my parents' for 10 days only, got here yesterday night) upset as fuck, and then 5 mins later my mother comes in and i stupidly expect, like, a "do you want to talk about it" or "are you alright" or shit, but no, she's like "i need to find your sister's diploma because she needs to send it to her traineeship employer" and then "don't get mad."

so naturally i was like "i'll be as mad as i fucking want because you guys have always gotten mad over dumb shit and now it's my turn" and she's like "okay but like this isn't good for you" like okay?? i don't care?? the rent being up in a house where the roof is crumbling to pieces isn't good either? and yes i've been looking for a new place for months but i didn't find anything within my budget range.

anyway we start looking for this fucking thing mainly because i want to be in my room alone and she's like trying to play the "don't yell at me all the time" card which? i didn't? i literally left for my room saying "always on the fucking phone with that one (my sister)" and that was it. by the way she's like "i can never remember where i put stuff" like yeah that happens to me too and i'm half your age so stop blaming yourself for misplacing a piece of paper and focus on trying harder to find it.

in the end after like five minutes only i found it and was like "there, now i can go back to my room and be mad as fuck in piece, can't i?" and she was like "there's no need to" like? hello? i already feel super guilty spending money at all and i literally spent 60€ on shoes this morning before the news and already felt like ass for it, now this too? and mind you - last year i got a scholarship so i paid 9 (/12) rents and annexed bills with that + groceries sometimss (they told me to use their card but i didn't want to) so like luckily they didn't spend much because of me (my sister got a scholarship too thank god) but like why the fuck are you asking me not to be mad about the rent for a shitty place rising when none of us is sure i'll get another scholarship anytime soon? and the landlady is also being a fucking bitch about it.

why am i the only one in this fucking family whose anger is never valid somehow? my sister gets mad because she has a fever and that's fine, my parents get mad over stupid shit all the fucking time, but when i get rightfully mad suddenly getting mad is pointless and childish? i'm going to bite my hands off tonight.

like my parents expect me not to get stressed over money when we all now we're not rich - my sister and i wouldn't have gotten a scholarship otherwise yknow. like we have food on the table and a good house and heating and all but. like. we have to really put a lot of thought in our purchases - which i didn't this morning!! because i'd saved some cash from tutoring!! i wanted to treat myself!! and i regret it!! and i can't return the shoes i got!!

plus therapy and all oh my god i want to fucking throw shit and then myself from the closest tallest fucking bridge

[gwydionmisha]

The Second Saturday Post Surgery.

I keep thinking about how much they lied to me about surgical reccovery. They call this an immobility sling and lied that it would mostly immobilize the shoulder and arm, but all it's designed to immobilize is the wrist and hand. I'd have been better off with a normal sling that lets the fingers and thumb poke ou an open end so they can move and get blood flow. A normal sling would have provided abouttwice as much support as this near usless scrap of heavy wet fabric. It also would have protected my shoulder better because the arm wouldn't slide around si much and pop out if one leans over or stands up to fast and the like.

My Neanderthal ancesters had glue technology. I'd bet real money they also had sling technology, because that is way simpler than things we know they knew how to make. They had people survive broken bones and te like. They must have had something to hold bones still while they heal. It is the 21st century in the country with the most expensive health care system in the world and a modern hospital with more than a month's warning can't provide a sling that actually works.

I keep thinking about how when they told me to get dressed, I stood up and my still numb from the neural block arm flopped limply out and hung there and I had to get the nurse to stuuf it back in there. I was home less than half an hour and I had to get Squirrel to do it. Then I had to pee and the arm flopped out and I gave up and just started wrenching it back in myself because Squirrel couldn't follow me around 24/7 stuffing it back in when I mov wrong. Remember the act of climbing into bed and arranging a complex structure of pillows and blanketsto try to hold my neck and arm still enough to keep they arm in the so called immobility sling can involve up to five involuntary arm escapes.

When I drift off to sleep, I can't hold the arm and shoulder still enough so the pain wakes me up and sometimes the arm is out. At one point a pillow started falling from the immobilization structure and without being properly awake I grabbed it with the "imobilized" arm and looked down in horror when I realized that was exactly the way they told me never to move my arm in the first to weeks.

There was so much damage from the hand and wrist immobilization I had to give up on the physio after the first week because I stopped being able to physically do them.

After I wrote Friday the pain kept escalating. Nothing I could do would slow the damage. I literally hurt worse than having my shoulder cut open and my bones stolen. It hurt worse than the kidney infection I had at second college. The only thing worse I can think of is they first several days of botched genital surgery recovery.

I feel like the surgeon not telling me the second week was going to be so much worse than the first week of recovery is a kind of lie of ommission.

If I had known how much pain and damage they were going to do to my wrist and I arm I never would have aggreed to the surgury. I can see the point of the misery the surgery causes, but the immobility sling seems to be torture for no reason at all. It doesn't contribute to healing. It doesn't protect my arm or hold it in place when I sleep. I just does damage and causes rashes and sores where it rubs.

The millenials swept in to try to rescue me Friday night. I don't know what I would have done if they hadn't because I ran out of things to try to make it stop getting worse. They turned up with fabric and notions and literally spent hours hand sewing my nasty fucking sling so it would stay on the arm and stop damaging the wrist and hand. It can't undo the damage already done, but it is doing dramatically better at basic jobs like 1. supporting the weight of my arm. 2. Holding the arm mostly still. 3. Allowwing wrist and hands to rest in a natural position. 4. Permitting blood flow to the fingers.

Again. 21st century. 2 Millenials were able to design and hand sew a better immobility sling in a couple hours than a modern hospital could provide with all of America's resources.

Yay, Millenial's, but seriously WTF shitty Catholic Peacehealth hospital. (They no longer drop whatever they are doing to group pray the way they used to in the mornings during surgical prep, but they still do a prayer and homily sort of deal over the loudspeaker every day and as a queer non-christian it has always made me feel unsafe there).

I will never forget the PT's look of panicked horror when she saw me in the hospital bed, her frantic orders for people to call around for a differnt sling because she said the one the surgical team put on me was wrong, her fumbling hurried hands as she tried to jury rig the so called immobility sling, her hasty directions.

I will never forget the way she looked at me and the words she kept using to describe me to make the sling situation my fault until the day I die.

I don't think it was on purpose, but you're seeing it to right?

She said they'd put the sling the surgical team put on me in my bag, so I could use it while we washed, but we don't have it, so I only have the one sling which hasn't been dry since last Sunday because of the heat.

Honestly, this would all be so much more bearable if it wasn't so hot. I'm endlessly sweating through my shirt and it's too hot to sleep even with fans and the air conditioner. The foul smelling thick damp fabric of the sling is too much insulation and having my arm strapped to my chest is like having a heater on.

Before you ask I have no fever an no infection warm spots on the wounded areas. They didn't care at the surgeon's office, though it worries squirrel who says the air conditioning is fine. To help me I need to stand in front of the stronger living room machine and who can sleep like that?

The Millenial's bought me an hour and a half sleep with their labor, but I had to go to the bathroom and when I got back the room was too warm and Tavy got so excited he clibed my damaged arm and clawed the incition and I yelled and cried for a while. He kept trying to come back to stand on my arm or claw at my armpit or the incition right above it for a few hours. Eventually the screaming and crying scared him so much he gave up and Livia sat vigil alone, but it was too hot to sleep and I'm too tired to read and if I watch TV I get sleepy enough to turn it off and try again, but the heat makes it all impossible.

After six hours in my torture chamber/bed, I gave up. I just needed to be out here with the stronger air conditioner a bit and the pain/bed assotiation is so fixed after nearly two weeks of this hell, it's hard to be in there especially as sitting up always hurts less, especially when it it's bad.

The cats are terrified again and have been sitting vigil since Thursday. (Tavy's hurting me out of panic. I know the difference between his moods.) Livia keeps trying to lure me back to me room so she can press gently against the wrist and hand and purr in hopes of helping. I will do that once I've posted this.

[timeoverload]

I had to leave work around 10:30 this morning. I tried so hard to keep moving but I couldn't do it. I can't stand for very long and it's hard to keep my balance. Last night my sock was blood stained when I took my shoes off even though I don't have any visible wounds so I'm not sure where that's coming from. It happened again today even though I wasn't on my feet as long. My leg won't stop vibrating. I felt so guilty leaving. The pressure on my bladder is worse today and I had to keep rushing to the bathroom. Sorry for sharing that information but it's really uncomfortable. I know I don't have a UTI because I took a test when I got home.

I am going to the spine specialist in the morning and I'm going to try to get in for an injection on Friday. I don't know how the hell I'm going to pay for it. They won't schedule me any more appointments if any of my bills go to collections so I need to get on top of it right away. I don't want to get my injection alone!!! I want someone there to take care of me!! :'( I hope I don't get a spinal headache this time.

I knew something bad was going to happen. I'm so tired of going through this alone. My dad is the only person that has actually been there to help me. I wish I didn't have to ask him to help me all the time. He already has so many other things to worry about. I haven't been able to drive anywhere for weeks due to the snow either. I have a lot of errands to run but I don't expect him to drive me everywhere.

I'm also feeling pissed off at the world because I have to go through all of this without anything to relieve my pain or stop my muscle spasms. I am so uncomfortable!! I wish I lived in Colorado or something... I want to run away sometimes but I know I couldn't do it financially. It's not fair!!! I don't really drink anymore either and it's been over a month since I had a beer. I can't remember the last time I got drunk.

I feel like I will be trapped in this prison (my bedroom) forever. I feel like a feral animal locked in a cage. My mess keeps growing and maybe if I'm lucky it will eventually just suffocate me while I'm sleeping. How the fuck am I supposed to clean when I'm like this?? I have to keep ordering more clothes and I have probably spent thousands of dollars over the past year. I lost track. I don't want to keep doing that and I could have used that money to pay off a lot of my debt. I don't have a choice because I'm not going to wear dirty clothes. I haven't felt good enough to put the new mattress pad on my bed that I bought like 6 months ago and I couldn't get the old one off so I just ripped it in half so I have a space to sit. I don't have sheets on my bed and I just have to lay on blankets. There is so much stuff on my bed that I can't use the other side. How am I supposed to do anything?? I am pathetic. I don't think anyone realizes how bad it is or takes me seriously. I wish someone would put me out of my misery sometimes. I am not going to hurt myself but existing is pretty terrible right now.

I don't think I would be so nasty and angry if I wasn't in so much pain constantly. I don't think people understand that. I'm generally the sweetest person and I try to be kind to everyone but I know I haven't acted that way lately. I feel like I have been very mean and I'm getting worse so I'm sorry for that. No one knows what it's like until it happens to them. Literally anyone can become disabled at any time so don't take anything for granted.

I remember years ago I had a co-worker who had been working in sterile processing for 15 years and she was such a bitch to me all the time and was hard to be around. I was afraid of her. I understand now why she was like that... she was in a lot of pain too. I definitely have a lot more empathy for her now. I hope she is doing better now wherever she is. I've also taken care of a lot of sick people and I know that pain can bring out the worst in someone. People tend to lash out more often when they are desperate for relief because they get ignored otherwise.

My head is killing me because I am dehydrated since I keep having to go to the bathroom almost every hour. It's making me dizzy. I'm glad I don't have to go to work tomorrow because I would probably cry. I managed to take a shower when I got home but it didn't really help me feel better. I think I am going to sleep the rest of the day. I had breakfast but I don't feel like eating anything else today and I don't care about food now. I hate eating. I don't want to be awake anymore because it's depressing and I have no desire to do anything. I'm sorry for being such a downer but this is just how my life is and I don't think it's going to change any time soon.

Hopefully everyone else is having a much better day than I am... thank you for listening to me vent. 💖💖💖

[bleachpanda]

Recalling 2022 (and the years before that)

Honestly, when I think about this year, it really feels like a blur. Maybe because the first half of the year was spent on me finally deciding to do something with my life. It's difficult to think back to but really, after graduating from law and doing a part of my PLT, there really was a point in time where I wanted nothing to do with law and phone calls ever again. Thinking about it, I still remember when I was so poor that I had to shamefully ask my mum for money because I literally had no income. It was only when my mum told me I needed to get a grip and that I couldn't always rely on her for money that I finally forced myself to apply for anything and everything at that time. It was then that Big W gave me a chance for an interview and I ended up spending 3 years there.

During my time in Big W, even though it was mostly a sort of escape for me so I would be able to earn some money and survive but not force myself to face law again, I was really appreciative that in one of my darkest moments, it extended its hand to me and helped me slowly pick myself back up. Things have changed and the people have changed now but honestly now that I've given in my resignation letter, I'm really glad this job gave me the strength to just keep going even if it wasn't the happiest or best way, maybe it kept me at a standstill but it never let me go backwards.

Maybe it's a blessing or maybe I'm lucky, but after I spent the first half of 2022 trying to organise my life and try again at looking for a proper full time job (because I'm 30!), and even when there was a point that I was desperate enough to accept a random call centre job (but couldn't go through with it because I knew my fear of phone calls would just exacerbate and make me not want to work again), I applied for some random law firms and government jobs I didn't think I would be able to get in but I tried anyway. Funnily, it seems like I really only get accepted by jobs I'm genuinely interested in, and that's how I landed in my current full time job. Everything decided to come at the same time though, because I honestly didn't expect to find a job so fast right after I decided I should be serious with my job hunting, so now I have this translating course that I partly paid for and will end up doing in 2023 lol.

It's crazy to think I've been working full time for 5 months already because it really doesn't feel like it at all. I feel like my time has disappeared somewhere but it doesn't feel like I've found my place at work or in this world yet. The only thing I can comfortably say is that working full time has stopped giving me time to think about things I shouldn't be thinking about. Whether my job gives meaning to my life is something I can't establish right now, but it's doing something. Whether I want to continue having a career in law is also something I'm not sure of, but honestly, I don't think I know how to do anything else properly that I don't feel like I'll be accepted anywhere else. Or maybe I just haven't looked hard enough, who knows.

Something my friends always bring up when they see me is whether there are any potential romantic partners around me, of which my answer is always no. Not because no one is good or interesting, but I don't think I'm personally ready. Maybe you'll say no one is ever "ready" but for someone like me who lacked a will to live for a long while, I don't think I can even think about willingly wanting another person to be a part of my life when I don't even know whether I want to be a part of my own life haha! Anyway, uninteresting things aside, my eyes have really been hating me since November. If it's not eye strain in my right eye, it's now an eye infection in the left eye. Not sure how I feel about ending and starting the new year with an eye infection but it is what it is. Hopefully the direction of my life will be a bit more clearer next year. But that's dependent on me rather than luck or anything else so I guess hopefully I'll find my own direction in life next year!

[bowtiepastabitch]

Not a proper academic (I'm getting there!) but here's to sharing vulnerable personal experiences in the name of disabled academia! I'm putting the anecdote below the cut because it's important to me that you know how incredibly personal this is to me before you read it.

I have a chronic illness that none of my doctors can identify, but it primarily presents as chronic pain, fatigue, and cardiac issues. I'm also autistic, so my executive function exacerbates my day to day issues with mobility. To top it all off, I'm very low income and so the expenses of "help" tend to be prohibitive to the point of complete inacessibilty.

I ran out of tylenol earlier this month. Easy fix, nip down to Duane Reade and get some more, it's a ten minute walk, no problem. Not the same day, of course, because it's already getting dark and everything hurts, maybe tomorrow, I've got other varieties of painkillers to subsist until then. Two days later I ran out of deoderant, and I still hadn't gone to get tylenol either. In theory, this should have increased the urgency of the mission and made it easier to find the spoons, but it didn't. The next morning I woke up and started getting ready, and behold, I hadn't gone to the store. If you've ever been desperate, you know with certain kinds you can use a pin to dig out the extra that's embedded in the plastic at the bottom of a stick of deoderant, and that's what I did as I swore I would go to the store that afternoon. No beans, no spoons, no store visit that day. After three days of this, I was both incredibly angry at myself for not having gone yet and losing hope that I'd be able to go at all. I considered asking a friend to pick it up for me (incredibly embarrassing) or ordering a delivery (expensive) or even ordering it on amazon (condemning myself to go without for at least three more days) and ended up doing none of the above because surely I'd be able to go the next day. I didn't. About a week after running out of deoderant, I finally made it to the store. I took my cane, of course, and had an earbud in to distract from the pain, and thank whatever powers that be the elevator down to the pharmacy section was in order (it often isn't). I got my tylenol and my deoderant and I walked home, trying not to think about how much money I'd spent going to the corporate chain (but closer, and familiar) store.

My entire life exists in this fragile dance. I can't remember the last time I went properly grocery shopping because carrying heavy things and travel time and decision paralysis and expense anxiety all add up to be incredibly overwhelming, and the factors of distance and expense are inverse to each other. The number of times I've gone into partial med withdrawal, splitting my doses in half to make it through the week, because I couldn't make it to the pharmacy or didn't have the executive functioning to make the phone call which would surely involve an hour on hold and then trying to repeatedly explain myself to an overworked, underpaid clerk, or worse being told I needed to make an appointment to get refills (these situations often end in me breaking down and asking my mother to make the call for me because jesus fuck there's only so long I can subsist on half doses). I finally got set up with Amazon pharmacy (fuck amazon, but we do what we must) and it has been life-changing, having them sent by mail before I run out in the first place.

In theory, I'm technically capable of getting to the store without help, but sometimes it can take a week or more to get the spoons to do it. On both the very literal, "I'm going without because I can't go", level and the level of "It's extremely humiliating and exhausting constantly thinking about this but being unable to do it", this definitely impacts my quality of life in tangible and undeniable ways. And honestly, I'm still incredibly privileged to have the level of mobility and independence that I do have and to know that if I ever asked, I have able-bodied friends that would be able to help. So yeah, it unequivocally matters.

I have a theory that my inability to get to the store when I want to go has a serious impact on my quality of life, so here's a question

If you needed something unexpectedly, can you get to the store without help? Does that matter to your quality of life?

Help is whatever makes you feel not independent - ie. i consider a taxi help, but not a bus because i retain my independence when taking a bus but feel like i'm asking for help when i taxi. It might be different for you.

also if anyone has any info on this, like essays or articles by disabled authors or academics I'd love to hear about it.

please share I want a lot of data!

[watchtheworldargue]

Hello! Where do you look to get your rare INXS videos from that you upload to your channel? I'm asking because I'm trying to find some to purchase and just plain upload as well :)

ebay! actually most of what i've uploaded was from several discs i bought from one seller. their account is gone but once in a while i see a similar looking listing which makes it feel a bit sketchy. and tbh i think selling discs like this is questionable - a transfer of videotape onto dvd and probably made several times (i'm guessing) to sell. the only reason i bought them is because most of the vids they included didn't show up in searches on youtube or vimeo or whatever. basically i bought them for the purpose of uploading them lol also one of the discs was busted and only half of it plays but i can kind of see the rest of it and it kills me. i've posted screenshots of some of it. i die thinking about it, there's good footage but it's fucked up. :( so be aware of that possibility.

and uh i recommend checking to see if you can get whatever they're selling for free before you buy a fanmade dvd or cd. a lot of bootleg concerts are sold too and can be downloaded instead. ask me if you can't find one, if i've got it i'll give it to you. :) i don't remember if i've made a post about where i download that stuff.

i bought a couple cassettes too that i didn't see online anywhere. and if it's a cassette or a vhs tape, it can be transferred to a pc! takes work but i did it myself, don't let that be an excuse!! (you could ship it to me and i'll do it... i'd even pay for shipping)

anyway if you don't use ebay regularly, here's some tips:

use saved searches. i have 'inxs' and 'michael hutchence' saved. sometimes the michael search has things not in the other, though it's not a lot. most sellers put inxs in the description somewhere even if it's a max q cd. anyway, do your search, any filters you want (i don't use any but it means the search can be large and full of shitty t-shirts), then click save this search. you can set mobile alerts if you use the app. when i'm in full obsession mode, i'll check it as soon as i get the alert lol

use the watch feature. this is risky if it's something you 100% want because someone might just buy it out from under you. but if you're willing to risk it, watch it. some sellers will send offers to watchers. meaning a lower price. i bought an item recently that i watched over a period of months, each time it renewed i watched it again, and each time the seller sent an offer. there's an auto offer feature. point is, finally i decided i wanted it and sure enough, upon its renewal and me watching it again, i got the offer and accepted it. of course in that time, someone else could've bought it. but it's worth doing instead of bookmarking the listing like a regular webpage. the app can also notify you if a watched listing is ending soon and stuff like that.

if you ever see the atlantic records inxs wood cubes please send me a message immediately. i've lost two attempts at buying them and i'm obsessed with that and want them so bad it's stupid

also i'll be a bit of a jerk here and say: don't upload stuff with your watermark on it. :) one of the vids i put up on my channel, someone had already put it up but with their watermark. so i purposefully put it up without a watermark because it is not mine nor it is the fan's who uploaded it and stuck an ugly watermark in the corner. i am firmly anti-watermark. it is not mine or yours. if anything, you should put inxs in the corner or the record company or whoever the hell actually owns it. i know uploading stuff takes effort - i paid actual money on the cds/dvds and spent literal hours trying to figure out that broken disc but! it's still not my stuff and watermarks look ugly so i fundamentally disagree with plastering your name on this sort of thing. i am grateful to fans who upload stuff even with watermarks. but i think it's wrong. like ethically and visually.

okay sorry for complaints lol that's all, please share anything you can!

[heresathreebee]

That G-D Ring of Yours

High Fidelity’s Robyn Brooks X Female reader

Summary: You seek comfort from your neighbor Rob

Masterlist

There's probably gonna be a part 2

Word count: 2.5k words

Warning(s): +15 | implied cheating, internalized homophobia, heterosexism, author and Rob swearing, no hate to polyamorists but major hate to bad faith players, shameless self insert, no beta, barely edited, long as fuck I'm so sorry

Author's note: I'm having anxiety for no discernable reason and my brain has decided this is ideal fuel for a fic, so please enjoy. EDIT: ha ha yeah still anxious but we're doing stuff about it

-------------------------------------------------------

"-- And she just touched my hand by accident and I just felt this–  this spark between us…" 

It was so sweet how he was talking about it. Or at least it would be were this not your fiancé explaining how he had been seeing another person behind your back. Had you rushed into things with him? Gotten hitched after three months because of familial pressure to settle down and start your family? Quite possibly.

But it didn't make that stabbing in your gut hurt any less. 

You had been a little gung-ho from date number 1, but he had been right there with you the whole time. Date number 2 happened the following weekend and then you just kept seeing each other more and more until before you knew it you had been introduced to each other's extended families and announced your engagement on Valentine's Day. 

You started to suspect something was amiss on Sunday, when you were braiding your hair on the bed and he had gone to take a shower. He accidentally set his phone screen aside with a text chat still open. Thinking nothing of it (he had already told you he was talking to Mark about getting drinks tonight), you looked at the name and saw it belonged to a woman you had never heard of before. Your immediate reaction was 'she must be a new coworker or a cousin,' but then you glanced again and saw the text conversation mirrored the same kind of ‘sentiments’ he texts you. 

The dirt burned into your brain for eternity: 

You had looked away then. You were actually not going to say anything at all to him that night– had planned to bring it up after Tuesday dinner with your auntie's family, but something came up. It turns out that Jessabelle also frequented the same Starbucks as you (and she's your age, not a teen like you worried). You can't even find it in you to be mad at her since it seemed like she had no idea who you were when she showed you the picture of her date at a baseball game. You tried not to puke as you asked for her number and to send her that picture "for her contact profile." 

You hadn't heard a word your fiance had said since the beginning of the phone call and you cut him off with some excuse you barely remember. You tossed your phone carelessly onto the couch and laid back on the cushions in defeat. What now? 

You weren't really a drinker or a smoker, and you didn't exactly have friends who would be supportive right now. You could hear them now, your family too– asking you what you did wrong, telling you to just forgive him or how to get even, or simply saying 'well what do you expect? Boys will be boys.' 

Maybe… no, you definitely need to get this off your chest before you do something stupid like pretend to forget about it. You had a bad habit of that because you tend to fall fast and hard. Perhaps your neighbor could give you some advice. 

Thank the Lord for fire escapes. Rob lived on the floor beneath you, always playing something good from her huge collection of vinyl records. You've told her at least a hundred times before if she played nothing but Phil Collins for the rest of eternity, you could die happy. You crossed your fingers and hoped you weren't being weird or invading her privacy. 

Thankfully, she seemed to be expecting you. She even motioned that the latch was undone and waved you inside. Ok the second wine glass made your face grow hot. 

"I'm not interrupting am I?" 

Rob gave you a warm smile. "I could hear you pacing around your kitchen for about an hour. Was about to come and get you actually." 

She pressed the glass into your hand and you made an effort not to grimace. Rob liked her drinks cheap and strong and she never held back. You tried a sip just to be polite, and she snorted at the face you pulled. 

"That's right, you like that sweet stuff. What's it called again?" 

"Stella Rosa," you mumbled, grateful when she takes the glass back and hands you a water to replace it. 

"Favorite flavor," she asked looking at her phone. 

"Uh… the peach and the rosé. They're all pretty good, not gonna lie." 

"OK, take this, grab a blanket from the hall closet, and tell me what's going on." 

You curled up on Rob's couch and put your feet up. There were piles of records all over the place, empty beer cans and a pizza box or two on the coffee table. Your neighbor tapped away at her phone screen before silencing it and slipping it in her back pocket. She gave you a minute or two to speak up, sipping her drink like you two had all night. Which actually you did as you did not want to see your fiancé right now. 

You felt two fingers gently tap your forehead. "Come on, dreamer, tell me what's going on in that head of yours." 

You swallow the lump in your throat. "I feel a little over dramatic saying my life is about to fall apart." 

Rob raised her eyebrows at you. "Damn, OK." 

You rush to correct yourself– explain your weird sentiment in more detail but you end up just vomiting words until your voice is hoarse. 

"I mean– like– like it's not falling apart per say or whatever– I… the rest of my life is fine its just my relationship that's screwed. Which I guess I'm more worried about because it's gonna screw up all my other relationships for a while too– dang it, let me start over–" 

"Babe! Slow down. Breathe." Rob switched drinks with you and against your better judgement you took a sip. Oddly enough it did calm you down. "So… it's your fiancé, right? What did he do?" 

You stared at her trying to unscramble your thoughts. "He… I found out he was kind of... dating another person. After I found out, he tried to explain that he didn't think I would mind–" 

Rob barked, "let me guess: he didn't think you were exclusive? Pull the Main Chick, Side Chick schtick? Tried to claim 'polyamory' after he got caught?" 

Two and two clicked together at last. "Yeah… yeah, he did!," you scoffed, "and it's not like it didn't ever come up in conversation: we spent our third date talking out our, like, sexualities and fantasies and fetishes and shit. If he was polyamorous, wh- why wouldn't he have brought it up then?" 

"That is so fucked." 

You took a deeper draft of her wine, coughing before setting it aside. Up until now, you've been numb. Now there's this wave of anger boiling up to the surface and you hear yourself getting louder. Rob doesn't flinch but she does give you this look of empathy unlike anything you've seen before. 

"If he– if he would have just asked me, I would have told him it was fine. My family does shit like that all the time: nobody bats an eye! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, he wouldn't have been so freaking sneaky about it. He literally lied, Robyn!" 

You whipped around and for a brief moment you knew you looked crazy. "He said he was going out for drinks with his guy friend, but he was making plans to go to a baseball game with a girl I've never heard of! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, or if he 'thought I would understand,' then why would go out of his way to lie about who he was with?" 

Someone buzzed Rob's door and she left you on the couch momentarily, coming back quickly with two bottles of your favorite wine. "Damn girl, these are kinda bougie: Peach or Rosé?" 

"I--"you choked, "Robyn you didn't have to–" 

"Peach it is!" She unscrewed the caps and handed you the whole freaking bottle of white, downing the last of her merlot and getting a fresh glass for you. 

You felt a little guilty she had spent money on you. But then again it had been her choice. If she didn't want you there, Rob wouldn't have let you in in the first place. Maybe you were just a tinsy bit worried you shouldn't be here. 

You and Rob took a break from talking to put on music and get a little tipsy. It came much easier with the help of the Stella Rosa, though Rob initially complained it was 5.5%, she did get accustomed to the sweetness pretty fast, and after consuming half the bottle, realized it was a little easier to get carried away with a drink like this. She admitted it was her first time trying rosé and now she was hooked. Eventually you started talking again, just spilling your guts out with no filter anymore. 

"I really think I just hate myself," you said cuddling the cool glassware. "When I found out, I wasn't even thinking of it as a betrayal of my trust– it felt like I was trying to come to terms with it so I could continue with the relationship. Not because it would make me happy but because… I don't know… it's what everybody else wants me to do. They don't even know about it and I was fully prepared not to tell them even though they'd want me to marry him whether they knew or not." 

Rob barked a laugh of surprise. "Doh-K!" 

"What?" 

"Nothing, nothing…" she said, "keep going." 

You stared off into the middle distance and leaned into her side. She was a tiny bit warm despite her lithe figure. Made you want to throw your blanket over her shoulders and share your greater warmth. 

So you did (you're not great at acting out your desires but this is nice!)

"It's just easier," the words left your mouth unbidden, "I don't even know what that means, but it's true. I don't want to marry him anymore but I don't want to break it off. Not marrying Fiancé means disappointing my family. It means having to find an entire new man to marry sooner rather than later because I'm already 'behind' and lowering my already low expectations. 

"It's not gonna make me happy, but I just think it's easier to keep this wedding going because at least I won't have to find somebody new who might not be as good for me just because I didn't want him. Another man won't make me happy so there's no reason to drop him... except that I don't want him." 

Rob's brow furrowed. "Are you saying it's easier for you to please your family than it is to be happy?" 

"Yes? I– no, I– … I don't know," you sigh. "I guess you could say my priorities are a little… mismanaged." 

"Sure, you could say that." Rob wrapped her arms around your shoulders and you inhaled the scent of her soap and cigarettes. "What if you tried… like… not doing that anymore...? You just said you do whatever your family wants you to do. So, just like do what makes you happy for a change." 

It really does sound so simple the way she puts it, doesn't it? Why are you doing this to yourself? You're not dependent on them for money or security or happiness for that matter. So... why has your whole life been centered around pleasing them? 

"I think… I think I've never really sat down and thought about what makes me happy," you admitted. "I think it's just been that way forever and I might have been too scared to try anything else." 

Rob hummed. "Are you still scared now?" 

Are you? You look into her eyes and ask yourself a question that has never crossed your mind with such depth. You used to be scared– but what is it about your happiness that you are so afraid of? OK, let’s start a little simpler: what are things that make you happy? 

“I like…” you swallowed, trying to break down the barriers you’ve built years and years ago. “I like… coffee. I like… short skirts. I like… girls– I like… my job. I like… music. I think I’d enjoy camping, you know, some day…” 

Your words… these things seemed so arbitrary and trivial. But in your house, these things cause dissent. “My family has an opinion about everything. There’s no right way to live in all of their eyes, but I think I figured out a way to get past it. Keep my head down and do what’s expected of me. Graduate college, get a respectable job, find a man to marry, drop the job and become a mother. Just… don’t make waves. It seemed better because the cousins who didn’t or couldn’t… well they became the butt of every joke at the family dinner. Lisa had one miscarriage so she was a ‘failure’ and Don never dated girls so he was gay and that was ‘bad,’ but grandma Zelda did everything a good Christian woman could do and they still gossiped about her behind her back… 

“And I just… I just let their ignorance control me for my entire life.” God, you could cry right now, but somehow it just felt too good to say it outloud. “That.. that is so fucked.” 

Robyn snorted, and you turned to her as if you’d forgotten she was there. There it was again, that sympathy. Not pity, she did not burden you with tears of her own or try to be angry for you. She just listened and understood. You twisted the diamond encrusted ring on your finger and stared at her. You felt it, that feeling in your heart. No one else had given you that look, like she could really see you. 

“You’re not going back to Fiancé, are you?” Her question was equal parts worrisome and hopeful and you already knew the answer in your heart. 

“No.”

And that was it. Decision made. Actually easier than you'd thought. Maybe not down the road but it felt good for now. There's the telling your fiancé it's over, the moving out, the public announcement, the inevitable feeling of failure, your family, god, his family too. Untangling your lives would be long and hard. You're not sure if you have that level of commitment and motivation in you but fuck it. Problems for tomorrow.

You rest your head on Rob's shoulder and hope your not pushing any boundaries. She doesn't stop you though, in fact she snuggles you deeper into her. You get the feeling she's been here before though your not sure which side or how bad it was for her.

"I like you way more in the few times I've met you than any man I've ever dated," you heard yourself say. "I'm sure that means something but I'm too tired to decide anymore. No tonight at least."

Rob chuckled. "I like you too, sugar."

If you made it this far, hi 💛 appreciate you, leave me a comment! Or just comment "💛"

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

.

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

.

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

.

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

.

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

[hisfearlesshaz]

My lessons will be online, mostly, but fuckin uni didn't say much. I probably will be at the dorm. I don't think nice things about Turkey anymore, sorryyyyy. (Maybe the foods🤨)

There's no guarantee of anything, and I'm hoping for you the best. You'll do your best.❣

I don't think you're awkward. Nope, you don't follow me. I was just a fan of your art.🥺🥺🥺 If I remember correctly, I followed you after your 'Literally Making Love' fanart. Ohhhh, I didn't want to watch shameless after the 8th season. Idk why.

I feel the same as you. That was one of the reasons of chose my major. But it's SO EXHAUSTING. Sometimes, thinking about dropping the uni and changing my major.

I'm in a little hurry right now (baking a cake!!!), so I may be writing silly or meaningless things. About crushing on a guy; I can't say the right things about it from this perspective, but it might be empathy or crush. (The last time I had a crush on a guy, I was in 10th grade. He's like my closest friend now and has a lovely girlfriend, but I'm not sure if she likes me or not hahauaa. (Funny info lolll) Yeah, I may not know what I am saying hahahaaahaha.) Asexuality is a spectrum. You might have a crush on him. 🤷‍♀️ Ughhhh, people who say things like that just shut your fucking mouth. Nobody has to 'find the right person ', love someone, or be in a relationship, etc.

Love you too!! Never apologize about talking so much, because we are all stressed youth and love talking with people who don't know us irl. I WILL come to you when I'm ready without being on anon and say just simple 'Hi!' -🐶🍽🍂 So you'll know who i am.🤭

(Also i'm so excited for Louis' documentary and Harry's tour!!!! Isn't Change great????)

Uffff I don't want to do another year of online classes, it's hard to stay focused and I need to start uni with the right mindset and find my study method and stuff and I need to be there to do it. Let's hope for the best! Thank you :)

Well maybe you don't think so but I do feel like I am, so. Lol. Ouchh nooo I thought I was already following you but like this I have no idea who you are! (Not that I had one before but these are just DETAILS). And yeah I feel like a lot of people saw my blog thanks to that one, even if it's not my most popular. Out of curiosity, how did you find it?

Noooo why?? I know you just said you don't know why but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Ughhh I'm thinking of dropping out and I didn't even start 😭 but I know I won't because of the money my family already spent lol. Two weeks remaining before it starts!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!! Hahahahhhah I just hope I'll like it and manage to do everything on time and nicely.

Do you remember what cake were you baking?? Anyways, yeah idk what it was/is but I'm home now and won't probably see him for months or maybe ever again, so problem solved 😂 And in the end I think it was just me making a new friend and wanting him to like me even though I'm stupid and younger and blah blah blah. I'm genuinely happy I met him but that's it lol. Last time I had a crush for someone was last year before covid but with the pandemic and all he stopped coming to school (we were classmates) and without seeing him it just went away 😂 but actually I have to thank whatever made him stop answering my messages because a drug addict not completely over his ex and constantly in trouble with the police is not ideal :/

Yyyyyyeeeeeeah I know it is but still idk idk idk idk everything is very confused rn and I have so many things to think about and this one just stays on the back of my mind waiting for me to have time. Hopefully with the start of uni I'll be more organised *fingers crossed*

I hope you liked (and like) them!! I loved the doc and the show but I'm not actively following hary's tour (oops, but I'll catch up hahaha) so idk about that. I would love to know what he'll do with the european dates though. I wanna see you too Harry!! Ugh!! (no I don't have a ticket. shh, let me dream).

Thanks for reading all the stuff I write, you're lovely and talking to you is always suuuuuuper nice 🖤💖 Sorry again for answering after so long! From now on I'll go back to my old activity time hahaha

(also, it's half past midnight right now. Just so you know that I actually kept my promise and answered this evening!! But today it's the day my data plan refreshes and I have no money on my SIM so I have no internet until the morning when I can turn on the wifi 😒)

[zebra-warrior]

Five things I'm greatful for and then some.

1. My parents. I honestly couldn't ask for a better set of parents than I have. As a kid we didn't have much money. My parents wanted to purchase a nice house to raise me in so I had the best environment to grow up in possible but in choosing the home they did everyting else was very tight but they never made it feel that way. Back in the day when crafting and building things were less expensive than buying them (boy have things changed with crafting) if we didn't have someting they would make it. I remember a lot of my friends would have birthday parties at places like Chuck E. Cheese, Magic Mountain, the Zoo or a skating rink. My parants didn't really have the money to do that and what they had they would have rather spent on a nice present for me so my mom would decorate the house and my dad would go out and mow the grass really short. They would dig holes in the ground and put PVC pipe in the holes that my dad would get at work from the dumpster and turn our back yard into a put put course. They would put up a vollyball net and crochet set and we would use big workshop vice grip clamps and turn them upside down as putters. The house they bought already had a swing set and swimming pool so I would have pool parties and with magic mountain in my own back yard. It was a lot of work but not a lot of money even though to me it felt like they spent a fortune. Everyone always looked forward to my birthday parties as a kid. They were always a bit hit. Not to mentuon sidewalk chalk was someting they also would splurge on so setting up the driveway with lots of fun stuff was something my dad liked to do. He used to like drawing with chalk as much as I did. As I got older they always made things work. When I began getting bullied at school I was switched to a private home school coop. Which my great grandma who was also the best grandma ever paid for knowing my parents couldn't and she couldn't stand seeing me hurt the way I was but my mom would drive me 35 minutes to school, drive almost an hour to work then after work wound drive almost an hour to pick me up and then 35 minutes back home every day for 3 years until I got my driver's license. She was so excited for me to get my license she took me a month early for my T

temps. I told her it was too early and she said it wasn't and whan I got there they said come back next month lol. I never wanted to drive. I was always afraid but she couldn't get me to the BMV fast enough lol. My parents also taught me a lot about the value of money and work ethic and now say they taught me too well because I'm known to shop for several months for something more costly that I need like contact lenses in order to find the best price, all coupons and all rebates and sales available. I got my first job at age 11 and was able to buy my first car myself, pay for college myself without taking out one loan and buy my first home outright and as a foreclosure to remodel and fix up how I wanted it to look. My second car was the only thing I've ever taken out a loan on. When I got sick and OSU tried to put me in a nursing facility my parents offered to help me sell my house and take me back in with open arms so I could be cared for in their home instead of a long term care facility. They still help me to this day cooking for me, driving me to appointments when I can't use transportation services, cleaning and helping me bathe myself. I now pay them rent and utilities as well as half of groceries and personal needs of my dog and myself not because I think for a second they would dump me into a long term care faculty if I didnvt but because it's the right thing to do. This ties in with family but I'm so very greatful and thankful to still have my mom. She was on life support after having her liver cut into during a botched surgery which resulted in a full blown liver rupture. It was the hands down the scariest moment of my life. We weren't sure she would make it and her doctors couldnt even give us that reassurance but she did everyting ahead of schedule and all I had to hold on to was her promise that she wasn't going anywhere. She kept that promises and on the day she was released the nurse that called when she began crashing came into the room shocked she was alive and admitted that she was sure my mom wasn't going to make it and that was the end for her. She was completely amazed my mom was still here. My mom was caught in the battle of her life, a battle she should have never had to fight and now has PTSD because of the experience but she's alive. My mom is here. I know a lot of adults have already lost a parent and I can't imagine the pain. Having my parants bring really the only family members I have a close relationship with and being my caregivers, I don't know what I wouls do without them. I would probably be in some nursing home somewhere without them. With my dad has Autism, though he was able to work, my mom paid bills, did most of the shopping as my dad can't use a debit card. But my mom does most of the money, paperwork and phone call related stuff for him so I can't imagine how life would even be able to continue without her. Or my dad. They both have two totally different rolls and being disabled I need them more than ever so I couldn't be happier this is in the past but couldn't be more upset or had to happen to begin with. In Ohio doctors are protected against medical malpractice and though she almost lost her life and will have life long physical complications and likely somewhat shorter of a life due to these complications she will never get the revenge she deserves and the doctor didn't even get a slap on the hand for what he did to her body and with now having PTSD, her mind.

2. Maggie: This dog has rolled with the punches and adapted flawlessly. She's my best friend and fur daughter. She picked up cardiac alert from my last baby Sandy and took to training to be able to use that ability as a career line a champ. I have seen her blossom from the puppy from heck. (no offend Ma-mag) but she would literally rip wallpaper off the wall with her teeth, it took 8 months to housebreak her and there was no such thing as no in her dictionary. She got into everything but I've since learned that was only because she was so intelligent and always curious because once she began training she excelled and grew into the most trusting and obedient dog I've ever had. Not only that but she thrived on structure. When working she walks on the leash beside me just fine but when I put her on my lap at that point nothing can stop her. She sits up all straight, sticks her chest out and thinks her poop doesn't smell. My lap is her thrown. I don't mind because she can alert just as well up there as she can waking, if not better because she doesnt have to try as hard to get my attention in loud and busy places. Not only is she obedient but when she's not formally working, even at 8 years old she's still very playfil and silly, always doing things to make me laugh or my heart melt. She's a velcro dog so I've always got a snuggle buddy and someone to keep me warm and my face coated in a layer if dog spit lol. I got her the day before I got my first pacemaker and she was the first one to sit at my bedside when I came out if surgery for my second one. As I went from a much closer to healthy individual who would take her on long walks and when stuck in a terrible relationship I would walk she and Sandy some days for several hours a day, sitting around the pond eating snacks, going into every store in walking distance that allowed pets and exploring the neighborhood to much sicker, in a chair with her only real walks occurring when she worked outside the home and a much more stagnant lifestyle Maggie never loved me any less, if anyting she loved me more because to my surprise she fell in love with my wheelchair and head over hills for my powerchair. When I turn my power chair on it makes a chiming sound and whan she hears that sound she makes a mad dash for the room I'm in begging for a ride. In her mind these changes in my life had made me no less the mommy to her as I was before. She is one person (yes I will call her a person) who I can count on to always love me no matter what. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I woukd he here. This conditon has made me want to go to bed and not wake up more than once and she's saved me every time and I can't thank her enough for being such a good girl.

3. My neighbor Pam has been my neighbor since I was 5 years old so she's been in my life most of my life and much more than any family member outside my household has ever been. She's basically my aunt or a second mom to me. As a kid she helped in reaching me the value of money and hard work my giving me my first two jobs at age 11. She has me clean her primates cages and prepare food for them not only teaching me the values of good, hard work but further fostering my love for animals. She's always had the primates as well as dogs and cats I would take care of when she was out of town. I was the first kid I knew to have a real job even if it was part time. It wasn't much later that I began babysitting her grandson who even now that he's grown and I no longer talk to him, I think if him as a little brother to me. He was the most well behaved kid I ever babysat and boy was it an eye opener when I started babysitting a lot of other kids in the neighborhood and saw how some kids can really act lol. Pam has always been there for me and my family. She would take me on summer trips sometimes like I remeber a trip to Wyndot Lake that really was a blast and she has always treated me like family. We have a key to her house and she has one to ours. When I got to the age I could stay home alone I never woried too much about if I couldnt find my key or the screen door was locked because I always knew she was just a short walk away if I needed help. She watchs our houses and we watch hers contacting each other if we see anyone or anyting unusual. She comes over each year for Christmas dinner and will occasionally surprise my parents by bringing over a soup she made or some cookies she baked and last summer sent a Chimney Sweep to our house because she knew my mom needed a break and we like to have fires in the winter but haven't had our Chimney cleaned in a while. For my 16th birthday she took my awe dry car to her business at the airport to clear coat it with the same material used to clear coat jets and whan I got sick I didn't have to worry because she is always nearby. Before I got transportation services she was always willing to drive me to my medical appointments and with Corona, she helped with shopping. Over the summer we could pick anyone in our family to go on a trip to the zoo with us my dad's last year of work and we chose my neighbors and had a great time. We may not be family by blood but my neighbor is my family. Not many people are lucky enough to have a neighbor they get along with or even care for yet ours is closer than extended family and for that I'm thankful.

4. My home. I couldn't be more lucky when my parents bought this house. It's almost as if they knew that when I grew up I would be in a chair. We live in a one story floor plan with a kitchen. That has an island in the middle so if I have someting I hand its still easy to just grab the counter and zip around in a circle to any part of the kitchen I need to get to. Before the passing of my grandma, she used a walker and wheelchair so my dad had already installed a ramp in our garage so I went into this journey with access to my home. My home is also set up so my dad found easily set up a ramp onto the back porch. I have always had a large bedroom, bigger than most people I know. It's similar in size to a master bedroom and being in a chair, thats very much a necessity now. In a chair you need a lot more room to navigate an area efficiently. Of course my home is far from perfect. The bathrooms are much too small to be truly accessable so I have to make due with what I have and my bathroom. Needs despiratly to be remodeled. Unfortunatly the bath tub that was put into my bathroom could quite possibly be the most unexcwssable bathtub for someone in a wheelchair in existence. I don't have a pull down closet nor do I have pull down cabinets in the kitchen or appliances I can easily use. I don't have a stove that rises and lowers or countertops that are at my height it an elevating powerchair to be able to reach those areas. Even the microwave is a Hazzard but as far as manuverability we have that. I can access every too. In our home except our basement and one part of a bathroom we have. It would be easier to menuvour here if my parants didn't have so mucb stuff and such big bulky furniture it I think that's also part of living with my parents. They have more life experience and more stuff but it's doable. Not everyone is lucky enough. After becoming disabled to have a home that's usable or has porential. Many were forced to move after getting sick or disabled. I was forced to move out of my home but my parents home is usable and I can't be more happy for this home.

5. Doctor Joseph and his staff. I went 30 years of my life unable to get help for this condition slowely robbing more and more from my body. When I came across Dr Joseph they were something I had never seen in the medical community. This was all new to me. I entered into a facility of four of the most caring and compassionate individuals I've ever encountered. I finally found a doctor who specializes in my conditon and he was just over a half hour away. But only was he familliar with the disease but also the comorbidities, Misconceptions, PTSD we have all faced from others who hold some form of medical degree and how we likely have no one to advocate for us and we have been on our own literally fighting through the pain and suffering. For appropriate medical treatment to only be dealt more pain and suffering. When he took me on I was the sickest I've ever been in my life and I so much pain I frankly can't believe I hadn't taken my life much before even hearing about him not only did he take me on as a patient knowing how big of a project I would be after over 200 doctors in the past saw me and just pushed me off but he never gave up, hasn't given up and I don't see him giving up on me in the future. His staff has fought tooth and nail with insurance companies on my behalf, files formal complaints about hospital care for me, brought me in on days they were fully booked to try to help me and spent weekends and holidays on the phone with my mom and the hospital angerly fighting with them to do the right thing and provide appropriate care. They may have not listened to him, learned to hate him and failed me terribly but at least I can't say my doctor and his staff didn't try. His wife came in on her day off to fight with my insurance company and they have helped me find the right goverment officials to contact with problems. The goverment officials may not have done anything but again, at least I can say they tried and that says a lot about a doctor. I. Not on the best treatment and the battle still continues to get me into a surgeon, gst testing completed and fight for more than the fifth or sixth best medication. They treat me no different than they would treat their own family members and that is something I've never seen in a doctor. I have seen improvement. It may not be as much as they would like but every bit of improovment is because the continue to fight to me, continue to teach me to advocate for myself and refuse to give up on me just because I'm a complicated case. I couldn't thank his office more for what they have done and continue to do each day.

I know that's five but just to list a few, I'm thankful for my late dog Sandy, my late Great Grandma, nature and other non harmful animals that cross my path, my local church, my online friends and the availability of support groups, the internet, with the virus I'm thankful for the new door that has opened for those of us who are homebound with all of these vertual tours and other New online resources that open the world up to us from our beds and couches, that I still have my mind, my manual and powerchair as I would have no way to access anyting, including my own house without them, the nice days after the ground has dried up and I'm able to roll around my yard and around the garden. To re-establish a love for crafting. My cricut and sewing machine and mich more. So just because there are things I'm very upset with in this world doesn't mean there aren't things I'm thankful for.

#myEDSchallenge #myHSDchallenge