#(aka mr poppy from the nativity films)

[accio-spaceman]

Date Night

(A Black Hat production for BBC Radio 4)

“DATE NIGHT, noun: A pre-arranged occasion when a couple who have been together for a long time commit to a regular night out in order to keep their relationship alive.”

The series follows a collection of couples who are desperately trying to keep their relationship functioning by creating a weekly date night intervention. For some, the relationship is already broken, for others it’s their pre-emptive strike in the hope of new-found longevity. More often than not, the stakes are high, involving children, careers and homes.

Programme Website

  Episode 4 - “Terri and Terry” Sketches

Listen on BBC Sounds

Featuring:

Fi Glover – Narrator Marc Wootton – Terry Catherine Tate – Terri Hammed Animashaun – Darville

 16:48 – 18:44 and 23:50 – 27:28

(Transcript Below Cut)

(As both main characters are called Terry/Terri, transcript uses actors’ initials.)

 FG:    In an attempt to put the spark back in their relationship, Terry has been working on a surprise for his wife of twenty-five years.

MW:   This is proper nice, innit? Mm, just what the doctor ordered!

CT:     Well it isn’t actually what the doctor ordered, Terry, because he ordered you to cut down on cholesterol, so-

MW:   -oh, true-

CT:     -shoving that down your face-

MW:   -Mm!

CT:     Stuffing your face with korma! Stuffing your face! Pogging it down, you are!

MW:   I’m not- What do you mean, pogging it-

CT:     -on a faster! Pogging it down! Just going down wholesale. It’s not even touching the sides, you’re just inhaling it like a snake!

MW:   Urgh.

CT:     Another thing I read, you know what we should all do when we eat?

MW:   What?

CT:     We should blindfold ourselves.

MW:   Why?

CT:     Then we won’t eat as much. There’s a restaurant…

MW:   Yeah?

CT:     That’s completely in the dark. You’re served by blind people-

MW:   -Oh, don’t like the sound of that!-

CT:     -it’s called sensory appreciation. It’s a sensory menu!

MW:   Terri, I could try and do that; I could see if there’s someone who’s got a disability, and could serve us some food in the dark!

CT:     I’m just saying I want something different, I don’t want someone with a guide dog handing me a pizza!

MW:   Okay-

CT:     -I wanna… You know what I would like; a restaurant that you have to make a reservation for. My god, wouldn’t that be… Can you imagine that? Not just turning up, ‘cos Darville knows our faces.

MW:   Well, what sort of a restaurant do you want to go to?

CT:     I want to go to a restaurant with a maître d’. I want to go to a restaurant with a sommelier.

MW:   What?

CT:     [tuts] Someone who knows about wine.

MW:   Okay. Alright. Look, I’m, I’m, I’m… taking on board everything you’re saying-

CT:     -No, you’re not, Terry.

MW:   I am!

CT:     We’re sinking, Terry. I mean, I’m like, I’m, I’m drowning in front of your eyes-

MW:   -Okay, alright, why don’t you pop out-

CT:     -and you are not even-

MW:   -to the garden?

CT:     What?

MW:   Why don’t we pop out to the garden?

CT:     What for?

MW:   Well… Just to have a little peep out there.

CT:     Why would I want to peep out in the garden for?

MW:   We could just, you know, go out and have a little breath of fresh air or whatever.

CT:     What would I want a breath of fresh air…

[Fades into the background as the music begins to signal the end of the scene.]

[23:50 – 27:28]

CT:     What’s that stuff on your hand?

MW:   Oh, it’s… work today, I sort of had… I sort of burnt them a bit. It’s fine.

CT:     You burnt one, have you been at my hair-straighteners again? You better not have been man-scaping again-

MW:   -I haven’t been man-scaping, I-

CT:     -god’s sake! [sighs heavily]

MW:   D’you wanna pop outside?

CT:     Oh my god…

MW:   Darville! Over here, [unintelligible].

CT:     Oh, Terry, leave it, please!

MW:   Oi! Darville, mate!

CT:     Oh my god!

MW:   Uh, everything alright in the garden?

HA:    Yes, [unintelligible].

MW:   Um, I was just saying to Terri, we could maybe pop out to the garden?

CT:     [sighs heavily]

MW:   Darville thinks it’d be a good idea for us to go out to the garden. Uh… Can you remember the first song, what we met to?

CT:     What?

MW:   Can you remember our song? Terence Trent D’Arby, Sign Your Name ‘Cross My Face?

CT:     Sign Your Name Across My Heart, Terry.

MW:   Nah, [sings] “sign your name, cross my face, I want you to be my lady”… [speaking] Can you when remember we went on our first date?

CT:     [sighs heavily]

MW:   Our very, very first date?

CT:     Well, we must have got some really strange looks if my name was signed across your face!

MW:   Do you remember? We went to the bonfire.

CT:     Yeah, I do.

MW:   Up on Kefinton Lane. Remember?

CT:     Yes, I remember going to a bonfire!

MW:   Do you remember the fireworks? You used to love fireworks. You did, you used to think they was great; I remember you clutching me close-

CT:     -Terry-

MW:   -and you says to me, uh… “You’re the fireworks in my starless sky.”

CT:     I’d have probably said can you get me a jacket potato, I’m hungry.

MW:   Well, I remember. You might not.

CT:     Oh, I do remember the fireworks, Terry. But I… I want real fireworks, you know?

MW:   Yeah, well why don’t we go out to the garden?

CT:     What is your obsession with going out to the garden, Terry? I don’t want to go out to the poxy garden!

MW:   It’s not an obsession! Darville thought it would be a good idea for us to out to the garden!

CT:     What does Darville care about me going out to the garden for?

MW:   Well it might be nice, you might wanna get a bit… bit of fresh air, you know, stretch your legs…

CT:     I don’t want to go to the garden, Terry.

MW:   Just come out for five minutes.

CT:     Why?

MW:   Well just…

CT:     I don’t want to go to the garden, Terry.

MW:   Go on.

CT:     No!

MW:   Please? Darville!

CT:     Oh my god, don’t do this to me, for god’s sake leave it alone – leave him out of it; Terry, shut up! Sorry that you’re in the middle of all this, Darville, but – actually Terry’s best friend, maybe you’d be able to support him, because I can’t do this anymore!

MW:   Ah no, just pop out?

CT:     I can’t do this anymore-

MW:   -five minutes-

CT:     -and I don’t want to go to the garden. Terry, I don’t think you understand anything, do ya’? I mean, it’s all literally falling down around our ears. I don’t want this anymore Terry, I mean I just simply cannot do it; we are dying, and I can’t do it. I’ve stuck around this long, I have tried to make it work, but honestly, I’ve stuck around for [unintelligible] ...that is unbelievable, but when she leaves, and that’s gonna be soon Terry, it is four years, she’s gonna leave, and I am going to resent you so much. There’s no point in just waiting around [unintelligible] Terry, I’ve gotta go now! Sorry, Terry, but I’ve gotta go!

[Long Pause]

MW:   [sighs] Well, I didn’t see that coming, Darville. Well what are we gonna do about the fireworks? It’s off. I mean you’re might as well let ‘em off now, might get a couple of your mates or whatever to watch. Don’t really think I can stomach it myself.

HA:    [unintelligible]

MW:  Cheers, Darville. Thanks for your support.

HA:   If you need my help, I’m always here.

MW:  I know you are, mate. I know you are. Thanks.

[Music begins again, signalling the end of the scene.]

[accio-spaceman]

Date Night

(A Black Hat production for BBC Radio 4)

“DATE NIGHT, noun: A pre-arranged occasion when a couple who have been together for a long time commit to a regular night out in order to keep their relationship alive.”

The series follows a collection of couples who are desperately trying to keep their relationship functioning by creating a weekly date night intervention. For some, the relationship is already broken, for others it’s their pre-emptive strike in the hope of new-found longevity. More often than not, the stakes are high, involving children, careers and homes.

Programme Website 

Episode 3 - “Terri and Terry” Sketch

Listen on BBC Sounds     Listen on Spotify

Featuring:

Fi Glover – Narrator Marc Wootton – Terry Catherine Tate – Terri Hammed Animashaun – Darville 

16:53 – 20:03

(Transcript Below Cut)

(As both main characters are called Terry/Terri, transcript uses actors’ initials.)

 MW:   Here he is. Oi, Darville?

HA:    Yes?

MW:   He’s coming.

[Narration cuts across scene]

FG:    Terri and Terry are childhood sweethearts, and have been visiting the same restaurant in Chelmsford for the past twenty-five years.

[Fades back to scene]

MW:   …and, uh, I think I’ll have another beer.  Do you, want a… sparkling whatever, or…?

CT:     Yeah, I’ll have a sparkling wine.

HA:    Yeah, that’s fine! You want a glass or a bottle?

MW:   She’ll have a bottle, I’m sure she’ll-

CT:     -I won’t-

MW:   -polish off, no trouble-

CT:     -I won’t! I’ll have one glass, thank you, that’s all I’ll have.

MW:   Good old Darville. He never lets us down, does he?

CT:     Well, I wouldn’t exactly call him one of our closest friends.

MW:   Well, he sends us a Christmas card, doesn’t he?

CT:     We come here all the time-

MW:   -I love his little Christmas cards, him; his dad signs it… The whole team!

CT:     It is very sweet, I will give them that-

MW:   -his whole team signs it-

CT:     -it is very sweet.

MW:   I mean, no-one else sends us Christmas cards, you don’t get a Christmas card from the Colonel, do you?

CT:     Well it’s a dying art now.

MW:   Yeah, you never had a Christmas card from the Chinese-

CT:     -Terry?

MW:   Yeah?

CT:     Are you going to comment on my appearance?

MW:   Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh… yeah, yeah, you look nice.

CT:     And what is you’re actually commenting on?

MW:   Oh. Urm…

CT:     Terry. Terry, there’s no point you looking at my shoes.

MW:   Well, I’m not, I’m just giving ‘em- Just trying to get back so I can take it in!

CT:     Don’t you know what is different about me?

MW:   Are you wearing different shoes?

CT:     Oh god, Terry-

MW:   -No, okay, no! Hold on, just give me a chance. Um…

CT:     Terry-

MW:   -Have you done something with your eyebrows? Are they higher?

CT:     How can my eyebrows be higher, Terry?

MW:   I don’t know, you might have had ‘em-

CT:     -How can my eyebrows be higher?

MW:   Because you might have had ‘em, you know… Threaded, whatever you do-

CT:     -No-

MW:   -and then had ‘em sewn back on, I don’t… I don’t know.

CT:     No, I haven’t had them threaded.

MW:   Okay, um…

CT:     And even if I had had them threaded, Terry, I usually have them threaded so that wouldn’t be something that’s different. I’m asking you what’s different about me today, for…

MW:   -Terri, please don’t say you’ve done your boobs.

CT:     What is the matter with you?

MW:   Well-

CT:     -Do you think I’ve just gone out, and quickly got a boob job?

MW:   Well, I just-

CT:     -What are you talking about? I be bandaged up!-

MW:   -that top is very tight and I’m just thinking, I don’t…

CT:     What, you think I’ve had my boobs done and I decided, in my recovery, to come out for a chicken korma?

MW:   Okay, alright, it’s not that. Am I getting close-

CT:     -….’sake.-

MW:   -am I in the right ball park? Is it in the chest area?

CT:     No, you’re not even in the right part of the body.

MW:   Oh, okay.

CT:     Oh, Terry, for god’s sake.

MW:   Well, no, that makes it a lot easier, I know what it is! You’ve done your hair, ain’t ya’?

CT:     Terry, for goodness sake! Look at my face and tell me what is different.

MW:   I’m looking, I am looking. Okay, um…

CT:     Are you pulling my leg? You must be.

MW:   Well give me a clue, at least!

CT:     The clue, is that I’m wearing glasses.

MW:   Oh, yeah, I thought-

CT:     -my god-

MW:   -I thought-

CT:     -thought what?

MW:   Your eyes looked bigger.

CT:     You thought my eyes looked bigger-

MW:   -yeah, well that-

CT:     -but you didn’t notice the glasses?

MW:   To be honest, I did clock ‘em, but then I thought-

CT:     -oh my-

MW:   -she can’t be talking about them, that’s way too obvious.

CT:     Oh really?

MW:   They’re brilliant, they suit ya’-

CT:     -But you didn’t think to comment?-

MW:   -Yeah, I like ‘em. They’re nice – sophisticated!

CT:     Yeah, they are, aren’t they?-

MW:   -Yeah.-

CT:     -And you know what they’re doing?

MW:   What?

CT:     They’re helping me see more clearly.

MW:   Oh, right.

CT:     Yeah, I’m seeing everything, crystal sharp, Terry.

MW:   Well that could be the glasses.

CT:     [groans]

MW:   It could be one of those, um…

CT:     Oh god.

MW:   You know, those optical illusions.

CT:     Terry, are you listening to me?

MW:   Yeah, I’m listening, yeah. What?

CT:     Our relationship, Terry.

MW:   Yeah.

CT:     Well, I’m seeing it. More clearly.

MW:   Oh.