#(admittedly this is also speaking as someone who went on a bit of a research spiral about both of them sjksdgh. still need to finish the

[lanliingwang]

playing FSR myself i just KNEW that the zheng chenggong/archer BL was going to be insane. and i was right. they are SO gay im so glad the fandom took to them

YEAH I'm glad you agree!! Honestly their whole dynamic was so good and gave me a lot of feels, truly one of the most heartrending ships out there,,

(And if you want more, in addition to all the fanarts out there, someone also wrote an english-language fanfic about them! Should note that the fic is pretty spoilery, but it contains a lot of fantastic historical details woven in imo and also a funny anecdote in the author's note of the author finding out mid-writing that they were a descendant of zheng chenggong asjdkgh)

[multi-lefaiye]

[image description: a screenshot of a likes counter, showing five likes. / end id.]

well alright the people have spoken! time to bitch.

setting to do not reblog because i'd rather not deal with people being stupid in my notes if they feel the need to try their luck.

also under the cut. i'll be talking about discourse and misinformation around gender affirming surgeries. the original post is not that deep but i got angy anyway. (also talk of genitals down here. not in a sexual way but like mentioning them)

so i saw a writing advice post last night that was giving cis authors advice on writing trans characters. admittedly i skimmed it mostly, but it seemed to have pretty good advice overall. nothing too egregious.

but then i got to a note about bottom surgery and like... it wasn't *wrong*, but it was presented in a way i felt was misleading and didn't address the full story. and like yeah this is a writing post and not Discourse 101. but MMMMMM don't like that.

it was saying that there's nothing wrong with writing trans characters who don't want bottom surgery and are completely fine with their genitalia as is. which is true! nothing wrong there! but it then went on to cite a statistic about that, which said that 72% of transmascs report not wanting bottom surgery vs 14% of transfems. followed by a line about how "transmasc characters who like their pussies are fine, and in fact they are in the majority category here."

and.......... i don't like the way that statistic is being presented here, for a number of reasons.

first, presenting that statistic without elaboration on *why* someone might not want this surgery implies that the only reason is that they just don't want it. which, if that's the case, is valid, but then why is there such a huge discrepancy? are you implying that transmascs in general have less bottom dysphoria or less desire to correct that dysphoria with surgery? why do you single them out and not mention that a transfem who likes her cock is also perfectly fine?

literally there is nothing wrong with transmascs/trans folks in general who are perfectly comfortable with whatever genitalia they have and don't want any sort of surgery. but in an *advice post* for cis people writing trans characters, why is that the only thing you mention about bottom surgery? why no references or resources for those who *would* want bottom surgery?

(i also remember a line about like "don't mention surgery at all in the story because trans people don't like talking about that" and i agree don't shoehorn it in if it's irrelevant but lmao i don't think you know what you're talking about. i talk so much about my bottom surgery aspirations with certain people.)

and another thing, and maybe this is just me knowing a bit too much about a lot of the discourse surrounding bottom surgery, but ftm surgeries (grouping them together here for the sake of simplicity, but i do know that phallo and meta are very different) are the subject of *so much* misinformation and fearmongering about potential complications. now not to say mtf surgeries (once again grouping together for the sake of simplicity + because i am not as well-researched on that front) are never fearmongered about, but like.... idk i feel like i see nasty shit about phallo in particular all the time.

like huh! i think a reasonable assumption to make here is that at least some portion of those transmascs surveyed might want bottom surgery or experience bottom dysphoria that they would like to correct, but due to fearmongering and misinformation they either don't think it's possible, don't think it's worth it, or don't think it's safe. or maybe even all of the above! speaking from my own experience, i definitely fell into that category until very recently.

and now to be clear i don't think the writer of this post had bad intentions. i really don't know anything about them and couldn't make a determination one way or the other on that front. so i assume this is just... benign ignorance at the absolute worst, because the rest of the post had decent information and i don't want to throw accusations around willy nilly.

also like. yes trans people who are comfortable with their genitals already are so valid and deserve representation, but in an era where gender affirming care is under an increasing amount of scrutiny and misinfo spreading smear campaigns... the people who do seek these procedures out deserve representation as well. and i'm not saying anyone is obligated to write that, but why not provide some resources for research for *those* characters?

basically the post came off to me as probably well-intentioned but deeply misguided in this regard and written by someone who doesn't really get what they're getting into. and that's a generous interpretation because i don't want to assume bad faith without cause.

(also apologies i know that the way this is all phrased is a vast oversimplification, and even referring to these as "ftm" and "mtf" surgeries isn't really accurate and doesn't consider transneutral people or intersex people who may be interested in these procedures. just wanna make sure to call that out--apologies for the gendered language.)

tl;dr: if you're going to create a post offering advice for writing marginalized groups, take care that you're not feeding into misinformation about those groups or sweeping generalizations one way or the other.

edit: also there are a lot of other factors i didn't even go into here or consider, like pricing and insurance, but like. basically. bruh.

[shinagawa-division]

I posted 119 times in 2022

76 posts created (64%)

43 posts reblogged (36%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@saitama-division

@uenodivision

@tokyo-division

@kyoto-division

@nagasakidivision

I tagged 112 of my posts in 2022

Only 6% of my posts had no tags

#hypnosis mic - 107 posts

#hypmic oc - 107 posts

#hypnosis mic oc - 107 posts

#hypmic - 105 posts

#hypnosis microphone - 103 posts

#sumire shinomiya - 55 posts

#miho kobayashi - 51 posts

#ritsuko okada - 48 posts

#codex - 36 posts

#ask - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 86 characters

#but i wanted to do a little something something for my favorite member of sakurai clan

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Happy Pride Month!

Happy Pride Month everyone! Be safe and have fun celebrating! You matter and who you love and who/what you identify as matters too, you are completely valid ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💖

In celebration, I decided to reveal the romantic and sexual orientation of CodeX! I had to do quite a bit of research and to be honest, I still feel like it isn’t…right? So it might change later in the future, but for now, enjoy!

— Ritsuko

Aromantic Asexual (Sex-Repulsed)

Not much to say really, Ritsuko finds the concept of sex and romantic relationships completely pointless and foolish, she’s been like that ever since her early teens and most likely will continue that mindset for the rest of her life. She’s completely fine with that and anyone who says anything to her can go choke literally.

— Miho

See the full post

11 notes - Posted June 2, 2022

#4

Happy (Late) April Fools!

Happy April Fools (and happy birthday to Gentaro lol), however, something weird has happened, it seems that CodeX and Femme Fatale have switched bodies for the day, oh no! They also seemed to have gotten a wardrobe change as well.

Enjoy this cursed imagery lol

— Ritsuko (Sayaka)

— Miho (Lola)

See the full post

11 notes - Posted April 2, 2022

#3

“K-Kobayashi-san” 

The younger of the two sisters approached the door with caution, her teammates were no where in sight.

“Happy…birthday”

Kanade hands you a few boxes and bags 

From Lana you received

A portrait of Miho?: Lana usual doesn’t do portraits of people but lately it seems like she’s been doing that more and more. The portrait itself is a fairly odd depiction of Miho, dressed in fairly regal attire and sitting on a golden throne. On the bottom of the painting is the signature “Stella”

From Itsuki you received 

A box of sweets: It seems like the graphic designer went wild when arranging this, a various layout of things he thought Miho might like. 

From Kanade you received 

A ghost plush: This time, Mr spooky seems to be carrying a briefcase! I wonder where he’s going with that briefcase

Miho was surprised to say the least, when Goro said that there was someone that wanted to speak with her, she had expected a co-worker or maybe an associate. Not sweet, little Kanade from Kyoto and especially not with gifts.

The portrait was beautiful, no doubt about that, Miho wasn't the type to see herself as royalty but this painting was starting to give her some thoughts. After complimenting on it's craft, she had Goro take it to have it hang up in the living room.

The box of sweets were well made and quite delicious, Miho would say that she wasn't a sweets person but that was obviously a lie, although they weren't as good as Goro's, she made a mental note to give Itsuki a gift when his birthday arrives.

Finally, there was the plush, it was very cute and she supposed the briefcase was a nod towards her profession. Admittedly, Miho never had a plushie before, not even as a child, her parents had deemed them childish and would serve as a distraction from her studies. Holding the ghost in her hands, she wondered if her child self would be happy if she got something like this.

Realizing that she hadn't said anything which made the young girl in front of her all the more nervous, she cleared her throat and gave her a small, yet genuine smile.

"Thank you, sincerely, Kanade, I appreciate you coming all this way, these gifts are wonderful."

11 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

#2

— Shinagawa Division—

It was approximately 8:00p.m. on a hot June day and the sun had set, letting nighttime take control until sunrise of the next day. On the outskirts of the city of Shinagawa, hidden by the foliage was a building approximately 8 stories in height and was lit up colorfully like a candle in the dark, while it may look like an old abandoned building to the few that have seen it, what lies inside the building can on,y be described as a one of a kind extraordinary. This is the headquarters of the infamous hacktivist group, Scorpion Den.

In the fifth floor of the building, the inside looked a mix between a punk anarchist and a SiFi fan’s dream, it was quite lively with many people working on a plethora of things while others were simply lounging around the area and socializing. On one of the platforms was a girl with black and purple hair tied into twintails, the girl so happened to be Sumire Shinomiya, Scorpion Den’s unofficial leader. She sat on a workbench and appeared to be working on something, giving how stone faced her features were, it looked like whatever she was working on had some importance, this wasn’t anything new for the girl but this time in particular was different, for it was a special occasion.

So immersed in her work, she didn’t hear the sound of the elevator being activated and footsteps approaching her until she felt a tap on her shoulder. Dropping her screwdriver, the two color haired girl jumped with a yelp and immediately twisted her head to look at whoever disturbed her, sighing when she realized that it was only her best friends and most trusted confidants. Annoyed, she sent a glare at the punkish looking group, “Ever heard of knocking?” She snarked, causing the blue haired girl to roll her eyes.

“Did you forget that you called us up here?” Said Janine McNamara, Scorpion Den’s lead programmer.

“Honestly Sumire, this better be good, I was in the middle of working on the next batch of Zenith, we’re running low.” Grumped a raven haired boy, the head chemist of Scorpion Den, Yosuke Miura. His features contorting into annoyance at the young scientist in front of him.

“Of course not,” Sumire crossed her arms, huffing, “but you still could have given me a warning, you can clearly see that I’m working on something and this is important, I’ve been working on this for months!”

“Damn, months? Usually it only takes you a few days to finish a project, this must really mean something to you.” A new voice popped up, unlike the others, this voice sounded synthesized, as if whoever was speaking was using a voice modulator. There was only one person that fit that description, the Trickster of Scorpion Den, the bright LED lights of his signature chemion mask lit up, his “eyes” displaying “X X”, conveying his current mood.

Sumire shrugged, fiddling with a piece of scrap metal in her hands, “Eh, kinda. It’s more….I’m repaying somebody back.”

“Ah, so this is about Aranai.” A smooth voice spoke, laced with amusement. The group immediately turned their heads to Miyabi Katsura, one of Scorpion Den’s few older members. Sumire glared at the older female while Miyabi merely gave a smile.

“W-wait a minute! As in the former biker gang leader?! And the current leader of Sakurai Clan?!” Yelped Scorpion Den’s fairly new member, Zoya Anand, who was currently looking at both Miyabi and Sumire in surprise and slight fear, she had heard many rumors of Ueno’s cherry blossom haired menace and while she isn’t sure how true they are, she wasn’t exactly eager to find out.

“Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s her birthday today, ain’t it? (! !)” Trickster ‘ohh’ed’ in realization, eyes turning into exclamation marks.

“So that’s what this is about? You called us here to help throw a party for your friend that we haven’t even met?” Yosuke scowled, now more annoyed that his work was interrupted for something he could care less for.

“C’mon Yosuke, don’t be a dick, I think that’s a awesome idea! I mean, I think it’s about time we meet the girl that’s stealing away our best friend.” Janine lightly elbowed the chemist, a smile on her pink lips. Though, while she was joking, the others didn’t exactly catch on and soon enough an argument broke out about whether Sumire was replacing them or not.

Sumire rubbed her forehead and released a sigh, her friends had a habit of taking anything she says and just ran with it without her explaining the whole thing, much like herself she realized but she could ponder about her hypocrisy later. “Can you all shut up for about five minutes?! If you would actually let me explain then you would know that Aranai’s not stealing me away, I’m not replacing all of you, and we’re not throwing a party!”

Sumire’s outburst caused her fellow Scorpions to quiet down almost immediately, causing the anarchist to let out a sigh of relief, it was silent for just about 30 seconds before Trickster spoke up. “So then, what are we doing?”

“I’m not going to do anything except finish my gift,” Sumire turned back to her workbench and picked up her tools, already getting back to finishing crafting whatever it is she was working on. “You guys however, are going on a little trip to Ueno to pick up some cargo.”

“Hell no.” Yosuke refused.

“What cargo? How come we weren’t notified?” Janine questioned.

“Is the cargo a cake? Please tell me it’s cake. (~ ~)” Trickster begged.

“Wait, I still don’t understand, why do we have to go to Ueno?” Zoya asked.

“Isn’t it obvious? Sumire wants us to go kidnap Aranai.” Miyabi explained.

Sumire snaped her fingers and pointed at Miyabi without looking. “You see, why can’t you guys be as perceptive as Miyabi?”

“Hell no.” Yosuke refused, again.

“What?!” Janine yelped.

“Okay (X X).” Trickster shrugged.

“WHAT?!” Zoya yelled.

Miyabi pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed, “And what are we getting out of this?”

“An adventure, a chance to meet my friend, an opportunity to leave this fucking building.” Sumire responded, not missing a beat.

“Sumire.” Janine started, intertwining her hands together and a pleading look on her face. “Please listen to yourself and to me, I don’t know what kind of messed up relationship you and Aranai have but we are not going to kidnap her for you.”

See the full post

12 notes - Posted June 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

CodeX - Inspirations

Ritsuko:

Silco - Arcane

Franken Stein - Soul Eater

Fyodor Dostoevsky - Bungou Stray Dogs

Azula - Avatar The Last Airbender

Rick Sanchez - Rick and Morty

Vergil - Devil May Cry

Miho:

See the full post

13 notes - Posted March 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[tfunai-acmwo-capstone]

Breakdown Series Complete!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Titan Funai (@funaisfinest)

My breakdown series concludes with me connecting everything I talked about back to my music video. I speak swiftly about the premises of orientation, time, production value, and the algorithm and how it relates back to my passion project.

As I kept making the episodes, I would say I got better and better at making quick, creative decisions so that I could get the videos out in a timely manner. After I wrote the script and collected the reference material to other, more established creators, I entirely made up the flow and locations of recording as I went. I think each video in itself represents a challenge I overcame.

Episode 1:

This episode was me dipping my toes into the game. A bit nervous about what people would think, a little desperate to make everything look good, and overall a strong start. The production feels professional, the jokes are there, and the references are smooth. This episode took me the longest to start because it was the foundation of my series.

Episode 2:

I came into episode 2 thinking, "I need to get out of my room or this series is going to get stale quick." I was most excited for this episode because orientation was something I felt I had the most to say. I had to not only feel comfortable recording in public but also alone. My job has slowly made me more comfortable shooting video in public, but I've always had a team or another to make it feel like we were official. For these videos, it was just me, a luggage bag of equipment, and a dream. I think this talking head was probably the most engaging out of them all due to the cohesive transition that flowed with each word.

Episode 3: [Third favorite]

This episode introduced a tedious process that I ended up adding to each subsequent video: captions. I always wanted my content to be consumable to a wide range of viewers, including those who may be hard of hearing. Plus, I have to talk so quickly that I may start slurring my words. I enjoyed my integration of content from other creators, and I made it a mission to make sure that each piece of content was credited to the original creator -- admittedly, I could have done more. I think this video might be the most important for understanding the format of the videos. The techniques I talk about are the very ones I utilize in the episode edits to make the vertical content engaging. I believe this may have been the best episode in regard to exploring other people's content and how that relates to the concepts I was mentioning.

Episode 4: [Second Favorite]

The best version of my talking head. I believe the talking head shots have a swagger and flow to it that makes it appealing. I looked good, I edited the phrases in an intriguing manner, and the location was absolutely beautiful. I wish I shot more talking head shots, but I was battling the nerves that came with recording in public. I was near a busy road and I wanted to climb this tall sign but was too afraid. Now that I watch the video too, I never gave credit to how impressive the height was in my closing shot. I admire the creativity I had in locations for my talking head. The areas I chose were truly mundane but also not expected for someone to glorify in a video about time. The explanation of what can be done with time too is decent.

Episode 5:

This episode felt the most fast paced due to my use of cutaways, movement, and reference material. The episode jumps from reference material to reference material with fluidity and suave. However, for that reason, this episode was the least effective at describing multiple methodologies to control time. Part of the problem was my lack of research, but the irony is, I used my time poorly. I didn't cut the video in an effective manner to discuss everything I wanted to at length. The final methods are tossed in a closing line. Even still, this episode has a flow I'll need to remember.

Episode 6: [My favorite]

At this point, I was getting tired of talking in front of a camera and my nerves deterred a public shooting day. So, instead of completely derailing my project's timeline and forcing something out of me, I used my resources and took this as an opportunity to practice some skills. I green screened the entire shoot; put myself in fun and funky locations for an extra layer of visual interest. This video was me having fun; however, I should mention, the editing for this was not fun. Every visual detail had to be fabricated because I decided not to record IRL. There was an extra challenge of integrating my talking head into the environment in a not-so-bad-I-wont-watch way -- there's a delicate line in intentionally bad and obviously bad. The production value of this video was some of my best work. Everything feels professional as if I have been doing this a long time, and there's a visual style that exudes my personality.

Episode 7:

I just need to be done kind of vibe. I told myself that this will be the easiest video to edit because I wouldn't overdo it. I put in a little more effort than I anticipated, yet the edit was a breeze. The vibe is obviously relaxed because I didn't worry about the glam, lighting a bit low, audio was a bit off, and I recorded it at 2 am -- where I am so evidently raunchy. I think it was the perfect end off for the impromptu series.

A series like this was extremely challenging because it tested my ability to apply myself over and over again. Forced me to quell my paralyzing perfectionism and showed me what I was made of. It makes me excited to see what I create in the future because I would have never expected everything that has transpired throughout my two semesters doing my capstone. Till my final reflection, shooooots!

[bananonbinary]

Time for a Salty Meta Post about Martin!

people who’ve followed this blog for a bit know that spending six hours combing through text for some goddamn sources is my specialty, so i compiled every time jon ever talked about martin’s work in season 1. which for the record, he stopped complaining about all the way back in episode 26, where he was angry that martin of all people got hurt.

things jon gets mad at martin for:

not being able to find records that don’t exist

not being able to find someone based only on a first name

the Dog

not wearing trousers in his off-hours

being the one that got caught up in the jane prentiss thing

mag 004 and mag 012 both have jon taking potshots at martin over research that was proven accurate by outside sources

things jon has never once complained about:

martin not understanding the filing system and just putting stuff away at random

martin being clumsy, constantly ruining things, spilling tea everywhere everyday, etc

martin turning in incompetent, poorly-edited, or badly formatted reports

martin not understanding the terminology used, skills expected, etc., and generally being extremely new to the field

please for the love of god stop making martin the silly bumbling idiot who can’t do anything right just because he doesn’t have a formal education. there’s zero evidence for it in the text, and it’s really weird to act like a 4 year degree would outweigh the *10 years* of job experience he has, not just in academia, but in the institute itself by season one. my boy has worked there longer than ANY of the rest of the main cast. screw you guys.

tl;dr: martin is never once shown to be bad at his job, jon pretty much only ever gets mad at him for the really stupid first impression and also not finding stuff that no one else was able to find either. after martin got hurt, jon talks about his research basically the same way he talks about tim’s or sasha’s work.

fucking proof under the cut:

(i didnt include the s1 finale or martin’s statement bc that’s just...two entire episodes of them talking to each other, but there isn’t really any notable Martin Complaints in either of them imo)

I swear, if he’s brought another dog in here, I’m going to peel him.

[pre-launch trailer]

.

Well, technically three, but I don’t count Martin as he’s unlikely to contribute anything but delays.

[...] Alongside this Tim, Sasha and, yes, I suppose, Martin will be doing some supplementary investigation to see what details may be missing from what we have.

[MAG001 Anglerfish]

.

Martin couldn’t find any records of Ex Altiora as a title in existent catalogues of esoteric or similar literature, so I assigned Sasha to double-check. Still nothing.

[MAG004 Pageturner]

.

I had Martin conduct a follow-up interview with Mr. Woodward last week, but it was unenlightening. Apparently there have been no further bags at number 93 and in the intervening years he has largely discounted many of the stranger aspects of his experience. I wasn’t expecting much, as time generally makes people inclined to forget what they would rather not believe, but at least it got Martin out of the Institute for an afternoon, which is always a welcome relief.

[MAG005 Thrown Away]

.

Martin was unable to find the exact date the original house was built but the earliest records he could find list it as being bought by Walter Fielding in 1891.

[...]

We cannot prove any connection, but Martin unearthed a report on an Agnes Montague, who was found dead in her Sheffield flat on the evening of November 23rd 2006, the same day Mr. Lensik claims to have uprooted the tree.

[MAG008 Burned Out]

.

According to Martin, who was here when they took this statement, it was at this point in writing that Mr. Herbert announced he needed some sleep before continuing. He was shown to the break room where he went to sleep on the couch. He did not awaken; unfortunately succumbing to the lung cancer right there. Martin says the staff had been aware of how serious Mr. Herbert’s condition was, and had advised him to seek medical aid prior to giving his statement, but were told rather bluntly by the old man that he would not wait another second to state his case. I can’t decide whether this lends more or less credibility to his tale.

[MAG010 Vampire Killer]

.

“Veepalach” might also be a mishearing of the Polish word “wypalać”, according to Martin, which means to cauterize or brand. Admittedly, if Martin speaks Polish in the same way he “speaks Latin,” then he might be talking nonsense again, but I’ve looked it up and it appears to check out.

[MAG012 First Aid]

.

I sent Martin to look into this ‘Angela’ character - not that I want him to get chopped up, of course, but someone had to. Apparently, he spent three days looking into every woman named Angela in Bexley over the age of 50. He could not find anyone that matches the admittedly vague description given here, though he informs me that he had some very pleasant chats about jigsaws. Useless ass.

[MAG014 Piecemeal]

.

Martin declined to help with this investigation as he’s “a bit claustrophobic”

[MAG015 Lost John’s Cave]

.

There simply aren’t enough details given in this statement to actually investigate, short of Martin confirming that Mr. Vittery did indeed live at the addresses he provided.

[MAG016 Arachnophobia]

.

Oh, he’s off sick this week. Stomach problems, I think.

Blessed relief if you ask me.

[...]

I asked Martin to try and hunt down Mr. Adekoya himself for a follow-up, but have been informed that he passed away in 2006. 

[MAG017 The Boneturner’s Tale]

.

MARTIN

Well, I need to tell someone what happened, and you can vouch for the soundness of my mind, can’t you?

ARCHIVIST

…

That is beside the point.

[MAG022 Colony]

.

Martin! Good lord man, if you’re going to be staying in the Archives, at least have the decency to put some trousers on!

[MAG023 Schwartzwald]

.

Martin found one other thing while combing through police reports for the Hither Green area. About a month after this statement was given, on May 15th, 2015, police were called out to once again investigate the chapel.

[MAG025 Growing Dark]

.

I know, but it would have to have been Martin, wouldn’t it? I mean, anything goes wrong around here, it always seems to happen to him. Anyway, we’re getting off topic. Why didn’t you report this?

[MAG026 A Distortion]

.

Martin made contact with the son, Marcus McKenzie, but he declined to talk to us, saying that he’d “already made his statement.”

[MAG027 A Sturdy Lock]

.

Tim and Martin had a bit more luck investigating Tom Haan, though only really enough to confirm that he seems to have completely vanished following his departure from Aver Meats on the 12th of July.

[MAG030 Killing Floor]

.

Martin’s research would seem to indicate the place employed a reasonable number of international staff they preferred to keep off the books

[...]

TIM

Ah well, that’s actually what he was asking, huh! Um, apparently Martin, uh, took delivery of a couple of items last week addressed to you. Did he not mention it?

ARCHIVIST

No, he… Oh, yes, actually. I completely forgot. He said he put it in my desk drawer, hold on.

[MAG036 Taken Ill]

[minnesotadruids]

Hello there! If it s not too much trouble, how do you feel about media/pop-culture portrayal of druids?

Since the word “Druid” is used a lot to mean “Nature Wizard” would you prefer if people used/make up their own different words for their stories or find it ok to use the term as long as they’re respectful or accurate to Druidism to some degree?

In terms of the "best" media depiction of druids, I think the BBC series Merlin with Colin Morgan is probably the closest we can get to a positive portrayal of the Celtic priestly caste. I still hesitate to describe it as accurate, but at the very least I wasn't balking at the show as much as I did when watching an episode of The Librarians. We'll get to them in a moment.

There's also the fun Australian miniseries Roar that starred a young Heath Ledger. It was full of historical inaccuracies (the premise being about a Roman-occupied Ireland for one thing). But it portrayed the druids in a positive light despite being at a time when they were in decline.

In the TV show The Librarians: And the Rise of Chaos (season 3 episode 1) they have a very brief (2-3 minute) run-in with some angry druids. The mob only shouts and growls but don't seem to speak, all while wearing tattered robes and brandishing wooden farm implements of various functions. They were also wearing cringey cast-resin masks of animal skulls that miraculously fit perfectly on their faces and just looked fake. I should point out this show takes place in the present.

The librarians have to climb a wicker man and solve a puzzle to steal a rune-covered stone artifact. The puzzle is based on a Celtic board game gwyddbwyll AKA fidchell. In the episode, the game pieces are Norse runes (Elder Futhark). Historically, the Iron Age Celts would not have used those runes. The game pieces should be carved figures of warriors instead. Then things get a bit personal with the tree stump inscription.

One librarian translates the markings on the stump which he says are "ancient Gaulish mixed with third century astrological symbols," and somehow reads "when the king reaches the north, the light will reveal itself."

*FACEPALM*

Well the three symbols on the left side are more Norse Elder Futhark (i.e. not even Celtic), the symbol cluster in the upper right corner looks like it could be vaguely Lepontic script (i.e. yes, “ancient Gaulish”) but that specific one is not in the Lepontic alphabet at all. Just for fun they have the symbol for Aries (the aforementioned (but singular) Greek astrological symbol). The Celtic triskele is in the upper middle of the stump and variations of it go back thousands of years, but it doesn't really have a universally accepted meaning.

What upset me the most was the incorporation of the Druid Sigil (bottom center of the stump). It is the official symbol of the Reformed Druids of North America (RDNA). The RDNA invented the Druid Sigil in 1963 to be a geometrically simple symbol, yet at the same time - unique. They went through books of symbols to make sure it didn't already exist. The RDNA founders described the Druid Sigil as a symbol for the Earth-Mother, but it is truly devoid of a specific meaning or powers.

In the RDNA, the individual imparts their own meaning into the Sigil, and whatever powers they want it to have if need be. To me the Druid Sigil is a sun wheel, and the two vertical lines represent the Two Tenets of Reformed Druidism. It means something different to everyone, and it is neither ancient Gaulish nor third century anything. The show producers obviously googled “Druid symbols” and that was the extent of their research.

I guess if someone was to make a new show, movie, or other media about druids, I would prefer that it would at least clearly be in the high-fantasy genre if they're going to make them all fanciful magic users, and especially if they're going to be portrayed as bad guys. If the show is trying to be more historically accurate, I'd much prefer that they stick to what's verifiable (though admittedly that's not much). Otherwise yeah, it would be nice sometimes if they used a different term, like sorcerers or warlocks if they're bad guys.

Oh gosh, Warlock! That was a 1989 supernatural horror movie that started a trilogy of gory films. The warlock was a bad guy, and a secret bloodline of druids were the only ones who had a chance of stopping him. The depiction of druids was okay I suppose, and on the plus side they wore plain everyday clothes in the 20th century, 'cause you know it's important to blend in.

See Also:

History of the Druid Sigil

Common Symbols in Druidry

[hoseokslefteyebrow]

Bon 4oyage || K.SJ

Episode 1

Pairing: Kim Seokjin X Reader Summary: In which you're Jin's girlfriend of 9 years and tag along in Bon Voyage Season 4. Wordcount: 3.4k

" Y/N ah, tell me, do you have any plans for the (random date) till the (another random date)? " Your boyfriend of nine years asks you suddenly. 

The two of you are simply chilling in your shared apartment. 

" Not as far as I'm concerned, why? " You ask, sitting down beside him. 

You were cleaning up the apartment before he asked you. 

" Y'know the boys and I will be going on Bon Voyage again, right? " He asks you, lacing your fingers together. 

You hum with a pout. 

" Yeah, it's my annual miss Jin ti-"

" Not this year love. " He cuts you off, a smile on his lips. 

You raise a brow in confusion. 

" Not this year? " 

" Yeah, I've asked the company, once again. And this time, they actually agreed. " He tells you with shining eyes. 

A smile makes it's way onto your face. 

" Really?! "

It was, in a way, hard to believe. The company liked you, but never actually approved of Jin having a relationship. When you became a couple back in 2010, the two of you had to keep it a secret for 4 years for the company, and another 5 years to the public. Until now, you didn't think that they would be okay with you going public.

You couldn't believe it. Finally your waiting for each other got paid off. 

" Yes. However, there are a few downsides. " He tells you, making a bit of a turtle face. 

You subconsciously run your thumb over his hand. 

" Just so you know, I will not come if I have to wear a mask for the whole thing-"

" No, no. -" He laughs. 

" Even worse. We can't have sex. For like a little longer than a whole week. " He tells you. 

You snort at his expression. You can tell it's genuinely bothering him. 

" Is that an issue for me or you? " You ask him. 

He huffs, turning around so he can lay against you instead. You run your unoccupied hand through his hair. Sure it's basically dead, but you know he likes it. 

" Both. I know your sex drive, plus that also means like, no sleeping naked. And I have to share your attention with the other boys. " He pouts. 

You grin, bending over to kiss his head. 

" Don't worry, it'll be fine, fun even. We'll just have a pg family trip. " 

And so you find yourself seated at a restaurant between your boyfriend and Taehyung. They're about to kick off the season, and today you're just going to talk about activities and what not. 

" There's trekking and a lavender farm. " Hoseok comments as he looks at his phone. 

" That sounds fun. " You comment, as the other boys give their own opinions. 

After a bit more of catching up, the staff calls out to all of you. 

" You've all done your research, right? " The staff member asks. 

You all hum in response. 

" Worry about the activities later, pick the accommodations first. " The producer tells all of you. 

Soon enough everyone's talking again, figuring stuff out. 

" We have to sleep in a campervan for three days. " Yoongi suddenly casually pops when you're drinking your tea. 

You almost choke. 

" eight of us in a campervan? How is that going to fit? " 

" eight of us in one campervan won't be comfortable. " Taehyung agrees with you. 

" We'll probably have 2 vans. " Jin tells the two of you. 

" Y'know, there's this thing I've always wanted to try- When you wake up in a campervan and then wash up in the river. " Jungkook smiles. 

You blink at him. 

" You want to wash up in the cold? " You ask him. 

He grins. 

" If I can manage, yes. It'll be fun. " He nods. 

" We didn't do research that thoroughly. " Namjoon tells the crew honestly. 

" Forget on where to stay! We'll figure that out somehow. Let's focus on the activities first. " Jin calls out, basically canceling the producer's idea. 

Soon enough everyone starts coming with ideas. 

Jimin wants to go to Aurora¿ and on a boat. Yoongi just wants to go fishing and Namjoon wants to go on a kart trek. 

" I want to go on the swing too." Jin says. 

" The swing? " Namjoon asks surprised. 

Namjoon had this great idea to go do some kind of bungee jump activity, just with a swing, as if that would magically make it better. 

Jin hums. 

" Yeah, it'll be fun with Y/N. We can both scream our heads off. " He smiles at you. 

You laugh, swallowing your bite. 

" Okay. But that does me we really are going, okay? No backing out last minute. " You tell him, knowing he's a scaredy cat sometimes. 

He laughs. 

" Yah! It's not like you're any better. " He points out. 

You laugh. 

That's true. 

" Okay, okay, I promise. Do you? " You ask him, holding out your pink. 

He smiles, taking your hand instead and kissing the top of it, sending you a wink playfully. 

None of the boys mind either of you by now, knowing the way you two act longer than a while. 

" I promise, m'lady. " 

" We just sealed our death. " You laughed. 

" We did. " He laughs with you. 

" Well, at least we'll die together. " You tell him. 

He smiles at you and winks again. 

" That we do. "

By the  the two of you tune back in, they're talking about trekking. 

" It only takes 2 hours to finish. " Yoongi speaks. 

Apparently they're talking about Mount Cook. 

Soon enough they're all talking, and giving their opinions on it. 

" It's really only a few hours, we should do it. " You catch Yoongi saying. 

Jin hums in agreement, slurping in his noodles. 

You raise your brow at both of them. 

" Bet, you two will regret it. " You tell Yoongi, who smiles at you and shakes his head. 

He makes an over confident face. 

" We'll be fine, we'll have fun, don't worry. " He tells you. 

" Should we stay in the campervan the whole time? " Jungkook suddenly wonders. 

You make a face but don't say anything. 

The editors do catch it, as does Taehyung. He nudges you with a smile. 

" We'll all stink by the third day. " You tell him softly. 

He laughs. 

Sleeping in a campervan with eight people doesn't sound too appealing for the whole week. 

" We can play Halli Galli. " Your boyfriend adds helpfully. 

" And BTS Uno! " Namjoon adds too. 

" Camping for sure. " Someone pops, probably Jungkook. 

" Does anyone know anything about camping? What do we need? " Namjoon asks. 

" Well, we start with a tent. " Hoseok provides helpfully. 

" I've camped a few times with my brother and his friends. Most stuff is usually inside the campervan."  You tell them. 

Jimin adds onto that, explaining most stuff to Namjoon, like a table that's built in. 

" Let me see the campervan? " Jungkook asks. 

" It's huge. " Hoseok responses. 

" If it's that big, will it be easy to drive? " Jin asks. 

" The road will probably be mostly empty. " Namjoon points out. 

" We do need shower facilities. It's not like we can shower outside. " Yoongi points out. 

" We don't need to shower. " Jin says vaguely. 

You give him a disgusted face. 

" Oh yes we do. " You tell him. 

" I want to too. " Jimin says. 

" We have to think of the rest too. " Yoongi tells Jin. 

" I normally shower though. " Jin says. 

" Yeah I know. " Yoongi grins. 

" You better. " You say with a scrunched nose. 

Jimin laughs. 

" Happy wife happy life, hyung. " Jimin tells the eldest. 

Jin turns to you and looks blankly at you for a second. You raise your brows before flipping your hair over your shoulder sassily, returning your attention to your meal. 

" No, I do take showers everyday, and my lady knows, thank you very much. " He grins playfully, one of his hands going under the table to rest on your thigh. 

After a bit more of discussing about Jin's shower habits, the producer cuts in. 

" We do need to choose an accommodation besides the campervan. " He points out. 

You breathe happily as Tae grins at you. 

For a moment it's a bit of chaos, most of the boys pointing out a 9.7 rated accommodation. 

With a bathtub.

As soon as it comes into view, Jin turns to you, and you give him a cheeky smile back, yet shake your head. 

Rules are rules. 

However, a moment later they're looking at a different accommodation, with cramped rooms. 

" it'll be fun. Like old times. " Jungkook smiles. 

A moment later they're back at discussing the campervan. 

" Jungkook and I will drive mostly though. " Hoseok calls out. 

" I don't mind driving. " Hoseok tells the others. 

" I'll get a driver's license on our days off too. " Namjoon pouts. 

" I can drive. " You tell them. 

Almost everyone turns to beam at you. 

" No, no. Not you, you drive like we're in Fast & Furious. " He points out. 

You grin. 

" Then she can be back up driver. " Yoongi gives you fake hope. 

" Back up driver? We already have enough drivers though.-"

" Yeah, we can't have you drive on national tv. " Jin says quickly. 

You laugh but don't bother with it. 

This can only mean you'll be in charge of the audio right? 

Soon after they're making a song about Bon Voyage. 

You can't really follow, but you clap along anyway. 

The scene wraps up with everyone clapping. 

-

A Few Months Later

" Yah! I went shopping with Y/N especially for this! " Jin says as his bandmates bully him. 

You don't pay a lot of attention, instead busy with helping the boys pack the last stuff and checking up on everyone. 

Soon enough a staff asked you aside. 

" Yeah? " You asked her. 

" This is for you, as you're coming with and the boys' are sponsored by Fila. The company thought it'd be nice if you'd at least have a jacket of the same brand too. " She smiles. 

" Oh, that's really nice. Thank you. "  You smile at her. 

She hands you a soft pink wintercoat. It's admittedly not your colour, nor your style, but you take the jacket gratefully, happy that they at least thought of you. 

" I look good in whatever I wear. " You hear Jin say. 

You come up to the mirror beside him, checking out the jacket on yourself. 

" Noona, your jacket looks nice on you too. " Jungkook compliments you. 

You smile at him. 

" Thank you! A staff member gave it to me, it's from the company. " You beam. 

And then they're arguing over Namjoon's accent. 

" We may be in the same group, but during our days off, I only saw Jimin hyung and Hobi hyung. And Y/N Noona. " Jungkook tells the camera, smiling cheekily at him as you give him a look. 

You too went to visit him on his birthday. 

" Yah! I called you so often! " Jin argues. 

Jungkook doesn't bother with Jin's complaint. 

From there the talk is mostly chaotic. First Jin's asking about an extra suitcase (which is really yours), Taehyung is showing of his Ramen noodles, Jimin has finally arrived and you found out that Yoongi's washing up. 

" At least someone showers. " You tease your boyfriend as you nudge him playfully, thinking of the small meeting a few months back. 

" Yah! I shower too! You of all people know that. " He shakes his head, playing along. 

You grin.

Soon enough you engage in small talk with Namjoon, and you can hear Jin somewhere in the back. 

" Compared to when you went to Malta-" The staff member begun. 

" We took a lot more this time, didn't we? " Jin says. 

" My pillow, something to hug when I have to sleep separately from Y/N, a down coat, fleece, pajamas. I also packed some slippers. And some of Y/N's clothes didn't fit it her suitcase, so it's in mine. " Jin laughs. 

" Do we need to bring shampoo and conditioner? " Jin asks a few moments later as everyone's seated together on the couch. 

"  We should bring our own, we might not be able to bring them. " Yoongi points out. 

" I'm taking mine with me, you guys can use it too if you don't mind smelling like fruit. " You shrug. 

" We can also get them at the airport. " Jungkook suggests. 

" Right, Duty-Free. "

 And then they suddenly spring to the topic of food, and before hopping over to talking about who's going to be the accountant. 

You don't bother adding in on that, you've never traveled with a group of eight before, and you aren't really willing to try when it comes down to it. After that, you're all tacking up your suitcases. 

Soon after they're suddenly grabbing some random bags, and Hoseok finds money. 

How they forget money, you don't know. 

You all sing the new Bon Voyage theme song before you finally set off towards the airport. 

" Did you search for 'huge luggage' when you bought your bag? " Yoongi teases Jungkook, though his bag is just as big. 

You're walking in front of the two, your left arm linked with Jin's right, your suitcase in your right hand and your backpack on top of it. 

You turn to give him a look. 

" I'm pretty sure we all did. " You point out. 

After a moment of rare silence (The only thing you hear is the rolling of suitcases), Jin claps again. 

" Bon Voyage! " 

" Why is no one reacting? " He asks the camera with a grin. 

" Bon Voyage! " Jungkook pitches in late. 

A moment later, the scene cuts, and you all get on the bus. 

You sit in the back with Jungkook and Hoseok. 

" How did you spend your vacations? " The producer asks them. 

They all each start talking about their vacation. 

Yoongi mentions his finished mixtape, Namjoon visited lots of museums and went to Europe, Hoseok points out about how he hasn't seen most of them in a while, Jimin basically went everywhere, from Korea to Russia, and Jungkook worked on some songs. 

" Jin what did you do in the vacation? " A staff member asks. 

You snort. 

" I spent half the time sleeping and half the time playing games. " He admits. 

" I went on dates with Y/N too. " He says quickly after. 

" It's no surprise, at least he made time for you. " Namjoon grins, looking at you. 

" I forced him. " You joke. 

" I wasn't that bad. But I mostly did play games whenever Y/N wasn't around. Or slept. " He nods along to his own words sleepily. 

" Then I realized I couldn't keep living like that, and so I met up with some friends too. " He laughed. 

" You had an important realization. " Hoseok comments. 

" I did. " Jin grins

After that came the question of Taehyung's where abouts and he mostly traveled the outskirts with friends. Most were shook when he mentioned one of his friends already being married. Jin too gave you a quick glance at the mention of marriage. Taehyung also mentioned working on a few songs too. Hoseok came soon after, and he mostly worked on his solo song 'Chicken Noodle Soup', and chilled at his apartment. 

After that they spoke about their pets. When the question came if you had any, you shook your head, though you did mention that your parents owned two cats. 

After that you all got a 'travel guide' made by crew for New Zealand. You didn't open it yet, instead opting to read through on the plane. 

Before you know it, you've all arrived at the airport.

And before you know it, you and Jin are waving the other boys off. 

" Bye guys! " 

" Bye! "

" Have a safe flight! "

" So they can't come? " Jimin asked, as Yoongi did so at the same time. 

" They can. " The staff answered shortly. 

" Huh, so you can't? " Jungkook asks you, still confused. 

" No, we can, we'll just have to take a different flight, we'll probably arrive a few hours later. " Jin tells Jungkook. 

" We have a connecting flight, we'll probably arrive around the same time. " Yoongi points out. 

" As long as you two can come it's fine. " Jungkook comments. 

[ Due to issues with Y/N and Jin's travel documents, the two are unable to board the same flight as the members. Luckily, they're able to take a different flight, and arrive an hour later. ]

Time flies, and before you know it, the two of you are walking in the airport, just having checked in. 

" Y'know, I might as well have forgotten my password. " Jin jokes. 

You shake your head. 

The humor appeared to be low budget. 

Soon after he's catching up with Army through the camera, simply babbling about his plans as you too listen, until, 

" Oh, is that RJ? " He wonders, looking at a shop. 

You sigh. 

" Oh please not again, we have so many of them-"

" Let's be cute and get matching RJ's Y/N. I'll pay. " He says, pulling you along with him as your arms are once again looped. 

Before you know it, the two of you are at the check out, with two matching RJ plushies. He's got a pretty big one, while you've got a smaller, cuter one. 

Soon enough it is time to get on your flight, and time,, flies,, by. 

" Now, we are going to find the other members. " Jin informs the camera as the two of you finally walk out of the airport. 

A crew member tells him it's all good like this, and he turns the camera off, handing it to the staff member. 

" Don't you think it's a little awkward to talk to a camera? " You ask Jin as the two of you and two other staff members get on a cab thing to go to the other members. 

He shrugs, holding out a hand for you to help you get in the car as the car has a bit of a elevation. 

" Not really, we're pretty used to having camera's on us by now. " He tells you honestly. 

You hum, and soon enough everyone's in the car, and easy conversation flows through. 

It doesn't take all too long before you're at the destination. 

Once you are spotted by the other members in the parking lot, Hoseok is the first to hop over, basically jumping on your boyfriend. 

You chuckle, being used to their way of greeting each other. 

" Y/N! " Hobi smiles, looping an arm around your shoulder casually as he leads to the rest, just as Jimin literally hops onto Jin. 

Jimin fetches your suitcases as Jin is quickly waved inside to do training. 

As Jin goes inside, you turn to help Jimin, Hoseok's arm falling off as you do so. 

" Wait, let me help with that. " You call, jogging over to help him. 

The two of you get it done quickly, and soon enough you're being informed by staff of the facility about the campervan. 

The water seems to be a bit of a problem. 

" Look,  how about we all shower together?" Jungkook suggests.

" Except for Y/N of course. " jungkook adds quickly as both you and Jin send him a look. 

" Let's coordinate time. " Hoseok suggests. 

" Yah, how do we do that? We can't control everything! " Jin complains. 

Luckily, the staff comes with a solution. 

" There's holiday parks, campervans can go there too. They have shower and toilet accommodations. " He quips helpfully. 

" That sounds much better. " You laugh. 

" Okay, let's only use the campervan's toilet for emergency. " Yoongi adds. 

" If you're about to die. " Namjoon pops. 

" Let's shower all at once too. " Jungkook keeps trying. 

" We can't shower long. "

" Only 5 minutes, after that, cut the water. " Jin says, as does Hoseok.

A ton of questions later, everyone's once again getting their suitcases, and Yoongi loads it into the campervan. Soon after all of you are clapping along again. 

" Jungkook did you bring your dumbbells again? " Jin jokes. 

" That's not my suitcase. " Jungkook informs. 

" That's mine actually, sorry. " You grin, not actually feeling sorry. 

Once that's over with, there's a small discussion about who's driving what car. It settles with Jungkook driving the campervan and Jin driving the SUV. 

" Where are we going? " You hear most around you asking. 

" The guide book mentioned (a random restaurant). " You tell them. 

" Alright, if you say so. " Jin says, already getting the navigation started without further questions. 

The other car either can't hear you or doesn't listen, as they instead listen to the producer, who agrees with you. 

[ A/N: Oh my god this is a 3.4 k chapter folks,, never done dat before. Anyway, how did you guys like it?  Also, no, there will be no smut in this story, but keep in mind that Jin & reader are both of age and in a 9 year relationship. ]

[nicknellie]

@fireflyingaway requested: willex + waffle house pretty plz

So I did have to do “extensive research” on Waffle House because I don’t have one near me and have never been to one, and that led me to find an incredibly good dessert place literally a ten minute drive from me so thank you for that lmfao. But anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this, I went with getting together (kind of) fluff because that’s my jam, so I really hope you enjoy it!

Smooth Like Syrup

Somewhere along the way, Waffle House had become Alex’s favourite restaurant. He wondered if it was the childhood memories it brought back, weekend brunches spent there with his grandparents who cared for him and loved him far more than his parents ever had. It could have just been the fact that he loved waffles, and with a name like ‘Waffle House’ they couldn’t really put a foot wrong when it came to serving him. Maybe it was just the familiarity of it all – Alex had always found comfort in routine, after all. Whatever the reason he loved it there so much, Alex went to Waffle House at least once a week, more if he had the time. And it was absolutely nothing to do with the adorable new waiter who had started working there for the summer.

If anything, he was ruining it all.

Because he’d been going to the same Waffle House every week for as long as he could remember, Alex was pretty friendly with most of the staff. A few of them had been working there as long as he’d been a customer, so they were on first-name terms and always took a moment or two to catch up with each other once Alex had ordered his food (which never took long because he always ordered the same thing and they all knew that by now). Seeing the same people working there and having the same generic chitchat with them each week worked perfectly for Alex. It was normal, routine, familiar, a social situation he knew how to navigate.

Then they’d gone and hired Willie. It shouldn’t have been a problem, but it was. A problem for Alex at the very least. Not only did it disrupt his routine and catch him unawares the first time he’d walked into the restaurant to see a new waiter, but the waiter had to look like that. Willie was all dazzling smiles and sharp cheekbones and luscious long hair and it was, quite simply, unfair. Alex came to Waffle House to eat, not get flustered over some ridiculously good-looking boy.

For a few weeks, Alex had taken the admittedly immature approach to just avoid Waffle House altogether. Out of sight, out of mind. The only reason it hadn’t lasted long was because he missed the waffles, and he couldn’t find anything to fill that extra hour and a half of his Saturday. So after not visiting for two weeks, Alex returned to Waffle House and resumed his routine, still flustered by stupidly attractive Willie, but most definitely working on a way to stop it being a problem.

His next plan of action had been simply trying to avoid Willie which was foiled the moment he sat down in his usual booth one Saturday afternoon. He had been hoping that his usual server would spot him and come over for a chat, but as luck would have it, Willie got to his table first.

“Welcome to Waffle House,” he had said, beaming down at Alex, who tried to act as if the sudden appearance hadn’t scared the life out of him. He wasn’t sure how well he pulled it off, but Willie had made no comment. “My name is Willie, I’ll be your server today. What can I get you started with?”

Two things had thrown Alex then. Firstly, it had been the first time he’d heard Willie’s name. It was strange to be able to put a name to the face of an angel and he was certain he would never have guessed ‘Willie’ if he’d been given a million tries. Secondly, the fact that Willie didn’t automatically know his order bewildered him. He was so used to the waiters coming over, confirming he wanted the usual, and slipping into easy conversation. This was new and unexpected, and if there was anything Alex hated it was new and unexpected things.

As such, his mind went blank and he completely forgot what he usually ordered. A plain waffle and a diet coke shouldn’t have been easy to forget, it wasn’t anything fancy, and yet Alex made it work.

“Um,” he’d said dumbly, looking up at Willie’s expectant face with his mouth bobbing open and closed like a mildly distressed fish. He could feel his cheeks heating in a blush and looked away as Willie raised a concerned eyebrow.

“Do you need a minute to decide?” Willie had asked sceptically.

Alex had shaken his head vigorously, aware that probably made him look as frantically flustered as he felt and was trying to hide, which only made him more flustered. He took several shallow but slow breaths before forcing words out of his mouth because that was how conversations worked and he refused to lose the ability to speak over this boy.

“No, no, I know what I want,” he had said eventually. “Just a plain waffle and a diet coke, thank you.”

“Is that everything?” Willie had asked, jotting the order down on his notepad.

Not trusting himself to speak any more than that, Alex just nodded. Willie had shot him a bright smile and disappeared off to get his order prepared. The moment he was certain Willie couldn’t see him anymore, Alex’s head flopped onto the table and he let out a long, exhausted, frustrated groan. He felt like an utter mess.

For the rest of that visit, he’d kept it together by simply not talking to Willie unless it was absolutely necessary. Had he been a more confident person he might have found a better way to handle it, but Alex had been cursed with social awkwardness from the moment he’d been old enough to socialise and it wasn’t suddenly going to fix itself just do he didn’t make a fool of himself in front of Willie.

As time went on, things got simultaneously worse and better between Alex and Willie, enough that Alex both dreaded and looked forward to his weekly Waffle House trips. For one thing, he and Willie had got to know each other a bit better – Willie could anticipate Alex’s order now, Alex could just about talk without tripping over his words or saying something slightly embarrassing (which always felt to Alex like something utterly mortifying and worth overthinking because his brain hated him), and if both of them were in the right state of mind they could manage a very brief chat.

But on the flip side, Alex hated Waffle House now and it was Willie who had ruined it for him. Not for any sane reason like being a bad waiter (because he was actually a very good waiter, which Alex thought had something to do with the fact that he always wore Heelys so he could glide across the restaurant which was much faster than walking). No, Willie had ruined Waffle House for Alex because now he couldn’t go in there and see Willie without getting butterflies in his stomach and a giddy grin on his face.

Now that he knew Willie better, it wasn’t just his beautiful brown eyes and gorgeous smile that Alex liked about him. He was talkative, he was funny, he was sweet. He was extremely considerate – when Alex came in one day, Willie met him at the door, walked him to his usual table, told him they’d run out of diet coke and that he had just popped to the store and bought some just for Alex, knowing he would order it. And he laughed at Alex’s terrible attempts at humour, he drizzled the syrup onto Alex’s waffles in the shape of smiley faces, he made sure Alex’s usual booth was always free of people for when he came in. Everything about Willie made Alex’s heart beat too fast and his breath catch and it was starting to make going to Waffle House a very stressful experience.

So Willie was the reason that Alex loved going there and was also desperate to find somewhere else.

But Alex, despite his many worries about life, wasn’t the kind of person to give up on something just because someone else made it difficult. Sure, that rule had usually applied to very different situations, and he actually liked Willie so it wasn’t as if seeing him was a bad thing, but it helped Alex to remember that he’d always powered through things like this and that was what kept him going to the restaurant.

One day, he arrived to Waffle House later than normal. He had come straight from band practise which had gone on longer than normal because they’d spent the first forty-five minutes arguing about the dangers of fiddling with electrical equipment in the rain and decided to make up that time at the end. As such, Alex arrived almost twenty minutes after he normally would have left.

He didn’t spot Willie immediately as he came in and couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. Nowadays, Willie nearly always greeted him at the door, knowing exactly what time he arrived. He supposed Willie had long ago given up waiting for him to get there – he had a job to get on with, after all. Alex tried not to feel too sad about it as he made his way over to his usual booth; Willie was a waiter, not a friend, not anything else, and Alex shouldn’t have expected him to wait forever or be there whenever he wanted.

But when Alex came to his usual seat, he was surprised to see someone already sat there. Even more so when he noticed that person was Willie.

Willie looked up as he approached, expression changing from bored to delighted in a second flat. The grin on his face was more than enough to snap Alex out of his sudden bad mood, lifting his spirits and bringing a smile to his face in an instant.

“Alex!” Willie greeted. “You’re here! I thought something had happened to you, man, you had me worried.”

Alex laughed and sat down opposite him, trying to keep his eyes wandering so he didn’t end up just staring at Willie. “Nah, I’m alright. Band practice ran over, is all.”

“I’m glad it’s nothing serious,” Willie said with a small smile. “But if it happens again can you text me to let me know you’ll be late? Just so I know I don’t need to worry about you and I can still keep your table free.”

“Sure, but I don’t have your number,” Alex said, ignoring the persistent fluttering of his heart and the alarms blaring in his head. It seemed as if his mind had pressed its panic button at something Willie had said but Alex was too distracted to figure out what.

“That’s easily fixed,” Willie replied. He dug his phone out of his back pocket and slid it across the table to Alex. “If you put your number in there I’ll text you so you can save mine.”

Heart hammering, cheeks hot, and smile so wide it hurt, Alex nodded and entered his contact information into Willie’s phone. He tried to act nonchalant as he slid it back across the table afterwards, but in his flustered state his aim was off – he pushed too hard and it fell over the edge of the table, right into Willie’s lap. That was one of those slightly embarrassing moments that Alex’s subconscious would likely rub mockingly in his face for days to come and he couldn’t help but wince at the thought.

“Thanks, man,” Willie said, beaming. “It’s just for peace of mind, you know. I really like you and when you didn’t show up earlier I just… well, I wondered where you were.”

Willie wasn’t meeting his eye all of a sudden. In fact, he apparently found the table top very interesting because he was staring at it like it held the secrets of the universe. Alex knew the signs well enough to guess how Willie was feeling then – nervous. But what did Willie ever have to be nervous about?

“Hey,” Alex said gently, lowering his voice in an attempt to calm Willie’s nerves. He leant over the table a little though so that he could still be heard. “I’m here, aren’t I? Nothing bad actually happened. You don’t need to worry about me, Willie. I promise.”

A small, bittersweet smile fluttered across Willie’s face. “Yeah. You’re here.”

The short silence then felt charged, electric, fierce. Why, Alex had no idea.

But Willie broke it, his usual bright smile back on his face as he said, “I hope you don’t mind me eating with you, by the way. I’m on my lunch break and I’d kept this table empty for you anyway so I thought I might as well sit here.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine by me,” Alex insisted. It was a half-truth. Was he happy to have longer to chat with Willie than normal, eat together as if they were friends rather than just a waiter and a customer? Yes. But did this feel too much like a date for Alex’s anxiety to handle, even though it was very clearly not a date? Also yes. He half wanted to ask Willie to sit somewhere else, but that would have been unthinkably rude, so he settled for trying not to be awkward.

Not long later, another server came and brought their food out. For a moment Alex thought it was weird because nobody had even come to take his order, then he remembered that everyone who worked at Waffle House knew what he got so it would have just wasted time if they’d asked. The two of them ate in silence for a while, Willie enjoying his break and Alex enjoying the first food he’d eaten all day.

Their conversation started up again when they were about halfway into their meals. Willie asked about Alex’s band practise, how things were going, what they had lined up. Alex was more than happy to talk about Julie and the Phantoms for hours on end and the way Willie engaged with his waffling on so enthusiastically only fuelled that fire. But in return, Alex made sure to ask how Willie was, how he was getting on preparing to start college, whether he’d had enough free time to skate lately.

It was weird, he thought, that this was their first proper conversation and yet they already knew so much about each other’s lives that it flowed as easily as it would have if Alex had been talking to one of his closest friends. Perhaps he and Willie were closer than he had realised.

He only stayed until Willie’s break ended, which was painfully short. They said their goodbyes, Alex jokingly promised he’d be on time next time, Willie laughed that beautiful laugh of his as he took their plates away, and Alex left the restaurant. He couldn’t shake the odd feeling in his mind, still wondering what had panicked him at the start of their conversation.

It hit him as he was crossing a road, stopping him dead in his tracks and causing an irritated driver to beep his horn at him: Willie had been worried about him.

It felt so much more personal than it should have. If Willie worried, it meant he cared, and if Willie cared then it could have meant any number of things. It could have meant that when he looked at Alex he felt the same featherlight giddiness that Alex did when he saw Willie. It could have meant that Willie spent his days wishing Alex was more than just a regular customer. It could have meant that when Willie asked for his phone number he was actually asking for more than that.

Alex had no idea what inspired him to do it, what unusual burst of courage gave him the ability to go through with it, but a moment later he had whipped his phone out and opened Willie’s contact. There was only one message between them, the one Willie had sent so Alex could save his information, but Alex quickly typed out another and hit send before he had time to regret it.

I know you said I only needed to text you if I was going to be late, but I figured I could text you about other stuff too. Like the fact I’m free next Friday if you want to hang out.

Something like that ordinarily would have stressed him out but he didn’t have the time for that because Willie’s response was almost immediate.

Sure! I hear Waffle House is pretty great, how about we go there?

Alex laughed at how dorky and cute Willie was even over text and replied quickly with: It’s a date.

Willie replied with three emojis – a smiley face, a heart, and a waffle. Even just from that, Alex knew Willie had understood him and that next Friday they would be going on an actual date together. He didn’t care whether it was actually at Waffle House or they tried somewhere completely new; as long as he was with Willie, nothing else mattered.

[hotchley]

balls fair in love and war

So... this is the fic inspired by the AU in this post. Umm... it's a shambles, I low-key hate parts of it, the ending is rushed, but we're going with it before my laptop dies </3

Ignore any and all medical inaccuracies. I did a bit of research, but a lot of it confused me, so... this is not an accurate representation of a concussion. Like seriously. Also ignore any ethical issues, they're just... it's fine. As usual no proofreading. Umm.... don't ask where Rossi is. I don't know.

Taglist (I guess? I don't actually have one, it's just for this lol): @eldrai @willlemonheadsupremacy @shmaptainhotchnersmain @sarcvstiel @unionjackpillow @katytheinspiredworkaholic (you said you would read it so... is that okay?)

A very big and grateful thank you to @aaron-hotchner187 for giving me a title!! And to everyone else that gave suggestions, you are also much loved <3

Also, the way Hotch acts as a teacher is inspired by the way I think @ellyhotchner will be when they become a teacher <3 and everyone go and tell @whump-town thank you because she: told me about penlights, gave me the easy tiger line and is just overall a good person.

Trigger Warnings: concussions, fear of brain hemorrhages, hospitals, self-blame

read on ao3!

Like most things that went wrong in Aaron Hotchner’s life, his current predicament could be blamed on Emily Prentiss. He would not hear otherwise. And he didn’t think he should be forced to hear otherwise, given he was the one sitting on a hospital bed in a thin gown that did nothing to keep him warm, whilst she got to sit outside with a cup of coffee.

She had, admittedly, looked absolutely horrified when the accident occured, and had spent the whole journey to the hospital apologising again and again. He’s pretty sure she offered up her first-born child to him at some point as a form of penance. As well as her apartment. And he definitely remembers hearing something about grading his papers for him.

So whilst he may not want to be anywhere near her offspring- especially if they’re like her- and whilst he may definitely not want her apartment- he doesn’t care what she says, it is haunted- he will be taking her up on that last offer. Did he feel suitably appeased by her squirming the whole time, and by the fact that she was the one that had to explain to the principal why there were two classes screaming, crying and a teacher on the floor?

Yes, but there was no harm in milking it.

If he’s being completely honest, he felt like he was taking advantage of a hospital bed. He was sure he was fine. Yes, it hurts to move his head and he feels dizzy, and he probably has all the symptoms of a minor concussion, but he just really doesn’t want to be in the hospital.

Besides, he needs to make sure the kids aren't traumatised. It can’t have been easy for them, watching him just fall to the ground and hit his head hard enough for there to be blood. Emily could be traumatised, he didn’t care. But their students? Absolutely not.

He sighs. He wants to hand in his resignation now. Going back is going to be so embarrassing.

“I don’t think you understand. He is my best friend, and if he doesn’t get this blanket, he will- Spencer, what will he do if he doesn’t get this blanket?” A voice says from outside.

Aaron closes his eyes. He wants the ground to swallow him up. Forget returning to school, the next few minutes of his life are going to be even more embarrassing than the time Emily tricked him into being part of the Christmas pantomime. Haley hadn’t been offended, thank goodness, but still. It took him three months to be able to meet her eyes.

“He’ll- he’ll- I can’t even say it, it’s just so upsetting,” Spencer lies.

“Ma’am, sir, if you would let me speak for two seconds. Miss Prentiss said that some of her colleagues would be coming with Mr Hotchner’s things. All I am asking for is proof of identity,” the floor receptionist says.

The apologies immediately start to pour from the mouth of Penelope Garcia, whilst Spencer Reid just takes out both their driver's licences. The receptionist clearly approves, because before Aaron knows what’s happening, he’s being embraced by someone who smells like roses, and his favourite blanket is being draped over him.

“Oh my goodness, you don’t know how grateful I am that you’re alive,” Penelope says.

Aaron gives her a slight smile. Penelope is one of his favourite people, despite all their differences. And he likes to think he’s one of her favourites. He wouldn’t be thinking wrong.

“Penelope, I’m fine. Seriously. This is just a precaution. I promise it isn’t that bad,” he says, even though the light is starting to hurt his eyes.

“Isn’t that bad? I saw you and Emily taking your classes outside, which was weird to begin with because you both have classes that don’t require being outside, what were you doing? And then, I’m watching because the class can be trusted to sketch without my guidance and I’m curious. But then I turn my back for three seconds to help someone, and everyone is screaming, and you’re on the floor, and there’s blood everywhere and- it was scary!” she says.

“I’m so sorry,” Aaron says, for lack of anything else to say.

“I don’t want you to be sorry! I want you to stop getting hurt!” Penelope exclaims, whacking him in the shoulder.

“I don’t want you to be sorry either. It was hilarious to watch, my students were in hysterics,” Spencer adds. Penelope glares.

Aaron isn’t surprised. Him and Spencer get on- they even have shared interests- but they also have some of the same classes. And as a result of the different subjects and ways they teach, it seems to them that it is impossible for their students to like them both.

“So, not that I don’t appreciate it, but why are you here?” He asks.

Spencer and Penelope glance at each other, and Hotch feels like he’s dealing with two students that have tried to set up two of his friends.

“Garcia. Reid,” he says. In the same tone he uses when dealing with two students that have tried to set up two of his friends.

“We thought that if we came, JJ wouldn’t, but uhh-” Spencer starts.

JJ bursts into the room before he can finish. “”Hotch! What happened? I mean, I’ve heard what happened because Strauss came and told me the basics, but still. Why were the two of you in the playground? Are you okay? Let me see that bump on your head. I also brought your lunch in case you were peckish.”

“Well basically-”

“Why does Emily look like she’s about to start crying?” Haley asks, entering.

Everyone but JJ turns and stares at her with a slight look of horror. Aaron slides down the bed slightly, hoping the blanket can cover the furious blush that he just knows stains his cheeks. Him and Haley went on a date once, after he asked her in a moment of impulsivity. It was the worst thing he’d ever done, for both of them.

“Oh come on guys, we’re professionals. JJ asked me to come because apparently, Aaron listens to me? I said he’s just too afraid of me to disobey. Which, I meant as a joke, but you do know that I don’t hate you right? Sure, the date was a disaster, but you do know we can still be friends?”

“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me,” he confesses.

“That’s why I brought her with me. To prove you wrong,” JJ says. “But yes, why is Emily so upset?”

“Because I almost killed my best friend and traumatised our students and I’ve ruined his life and our careers and he can get me fired and press charges, but all I wanted to do was make him laugh, and this is the first place where I’ve felt appreciated, and I’m going to lose it all,” Emily sobs from outside.

“Can you bring her in?” He asks Penelope.

She obliges, and Hotch pats the area next to him. Emily sits beside him, wiping her eyes on the corner of the extra blanket they brought.

“You didn’t almost kill me, it’s a mild concussion at most. Our students have seen worse, and they will be fine. My life is not ruined because you will be doing my grading. I’m not going to get you fired or press charges, and you’re not about to lose any of this. Okay?”

“You always know what to say,” she says.

He ruffles her hair.

“Love you. Platonically,” he tells her.

She gives him a bright smile, and he can feel himself smiling back, less embarrassed about everything.

And then she starts laughing hysterically, and deliberately shoves him, causing him to almost fall out of the bed, only stopped by Haley and Dave each grabbing one of his arms and pushing him back up. Of course, Emily just looks at him like she hasn’t done anything wrong.

“I cannot believe you fell for that. As if I would ever be that upset. Honestly. Haley, maybe I should replace you as drama teacher!”

Haley raises an eyebrow. “Ah yes, because the last time you got others involved in theatre, it ended so well.”

Emily has nothing to say.

Aaron does. He turns and swears in French.

“Naughty boy. Don’t let anyone else hear you. Especially not my class, I told them what that meant after you said it when I stole your stapler and then told you I’d given it to Miss Brooks.”

He pales.

“Speaking of your classes, how did this happen?” Haley asks, clearly sensing the need for a change in topic.

Emily looks at Aaron.

“It was your fault!” he says.

“Well it was your idea!” she counters.

He sighs. “So what happened was…”

Hotch and Emily’s classrooms are next to each other. To Hotch, this is both a blessing and a curse. It means he could keep an eye on her. It also means he had to keep an eye on her. See, Emily isn't irresponsible, and she would never actually endanger her students, but sometimes, she leans towards danger.

How, when she teaches modern languages, is beyond Hotch, but regardless. Strauss had actually hired Emily, not just for her abilities, but because she believed someone needed to keep an eye on Hotch. How the times have changed.

Hotch is on break duty, and he can't see anyone from his class. Which is weird. He tries to keep their lives as stress-free as possible, and he was always willing to help anyone that needs it, but certain assessments could not be avoided. But still, he expects to see at least one of them outside, if only to get a few minutes of fresh air.

Emily smiles at him sympathetically before she walks into her classroom. It is like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over him. Sympathy from Emily isn't comforting. Not when it was aimed at him. If anything, it just makes him more scared. The last time she had looked at him like that, he had explained how his date with Haley had gone from one disaster to another.

And then she laughed.

So he pushes the door open, stepping back in case something fell on him. It wouldn't have been the first time. But nothing does. So he steps into his classroom, expecting to see his eleventh grade literature class doing something suspicious.

They aren't, and suddenly he understands exactly why Emily had looked at him like that.

Because his class has never looked so upset or defeated. And his heart breaks for all of them. It has been a while since he was fifteen, but he wouldn't ever forget the feeling of helplessness that seemed to define his existence. Nor would he forget how everything felt like too much and not enough.

"What happened?" He asks them gently.

Violet, a quiet girl that always tells him what Miss Prentiss had said about him, burst into tears. One of her friends patted her back, but it's clear they didn't quite know what they were doing. Neither does Hotch, but goddammit, these are his kids. Nobody is going to hurt them.

"Hey, it's okay. Do you want to go somewhere else?" He asks her.

She shakes her head. "I just- I want all of this to be over, but then I don't because it means going to college and leaving here and having to grow up, but I just- I have no fucking idea what I'm doing and it's all too much."

He winces at the use of swear words, because he is still a teacher, but that also means he feels a sense of pride that she's able to voice what it is. Because now, he may not be able to fix the situation, but he can help.

"I know. That's okay. That's normal. And you'll work it out. You know, I almost became a lawyer."

She looks up, her eyes red, but starting to sparkle again. "A lawyer."

"Yep, I almost also applied to the FBI Academy. It was actually Miss Prentiss that talked me out of that one. Well, it wasn't really talking but the true story is a little too… inappropriate for school."

"I can't imagine you doing either of those. You'd get bored as a lawyer, and you would never smile as an FBI agent," Clarissa says.

Hotch blinks.

She shrugs like it's the most obvious thing in the world. And then she offers him a piece of candyfloss, which he rejects.

He checks his lesson plan. And then his planner. And then the calendar he keeps on his table. Emily always makes fun of him for being so organised, but Spencer admires it, and that makes him feel cool, so he focuses on that instead.

"I have a compromise. We don't need to do a lesson today, we have more than enough time to cover everything because we're already ahead. I let you do whatever you want for the remainder of the lesson- whether that's colouring or crying or dancing. But you have to do it outside. I didn't see any of you at break."

"Really?" Violet asks.

He nods. "Of course."

Everyone cheers, and grabs their bags, clearly ready to not use their brains for a bit. Aaron gives them the most warm smile he can manage, but he can't help the small surge of guilt that accompanies his lack of realisation.

As his class exits, happily chattering away to each other, Emily pokes her head out the door.

"Mr Hotch, what are you doing, and can I join?"

Immediately, all eyes are on him.

"Please?" Violet asks.

Clarissa pulls out the puppy eyes.

Thomas falls to his knees.

"Oh my god, yes fine, okay, just- everyone be quiet before Strauss finds out and shouts at me," he says.

Emily runs back inside, and soon, they're all just milling about and having fun on the playground. It's nice, both for the students, and the teachers, to have a bit of a break from the world, and to spend a few moments away from it all. Some of them are running around, playing a game of tag, some of them are simply sitting around, and a few are colouring.

"Do you still like playing catch?" Emily asks him.

"What?"

"Catch. Remember, you used to play it with Sean all the time when we were in college."

"I mean yeah, I would probably get involved, but I'm not quite sure-"

"Think fast!" She shouts, and she lobs a netball at him.

The last thing he thinks, moments before his head meets the ground with a large amount of force- enough for there to be a small amount of blood- is: how is it always her? Every single time he gets into a situation, it's her that causes it. That has to be statistically impossible. Maybe he should ask Spencer…

"So yeah! And now I'm here!" He shoves Emily, who has the audacity to look offended.

Penelope kisses his forehead. Haley laughs a little, but Reid just blinks like he can't quite believe how stupid his co-workers are.

"Well. From what I've heard, it was a pretty good shot," JJ comments.

Haley turns to her. "From everything we've just been told, that's what you choose to pick out?"

"I'm a gym teacher, can you really blame me?"

Emily mutters something.

"You were what?" Garcia asks.

"I was aiming for his leg," she repeats.

"Emily. I know you teach languages, not biology, but look at me. Head," Hotch says, pointing at the bump he's not going to cover up, "Leg." He points at his ankle.

"It's always lovely when people know their anatomy. Saves me a lot of time," a new voice says.

Hotch turns in the direction of it, ready to make a snarky comment, but whatever words he had thought of die on his lips as he suddenly feels like he's been transported into a medical drama full of unrealistically attractive protagonists.

Because the doctor who has just walked in is the most handsome man he has ever seen. His smile is easy and genuine, and his eyes seem to twinkle with mischief. And his arms, oh god his arms seem like the safest place to exist. Aaron can't help but wonder what it would be like to have those arms wrapped around him-

His cheeks warm. No.

"Hi, I'm Dr Morgan. But you can all call me Derek. I'm here for Aaron Hotchner. Who I am going to assume, is you," he says, looking straight at Hotch.

"I- yes. How did you know?"

Dr Morgan- Derek- somehow smiles even more. "Well, even though there are far too many people in here- did all of you somehow miss the two people at one time sign- you are the only one in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown, so. I'm no profiler, but it was pretty easy."

If it's even possible, his cheeks flush more. But one word sticks out to him. "Wait, profiler?"

"You got me. Crime procedurals are my guilty pleasure. I always said that if I joined the FBI, I would become a profiler. Obviously, I went down a very different route."

"Obviously. Wait, too many people? Oh god, I'm so, so sorry, if you need them to leave, they can. In fact, I also feel a lot better, so if you would like me to also go, I really, it's no trouble."

Because he is an idiot- there really is no other justification for this- he tries to stand up. And he does. He also gets a few steps in before the world starts spinning and he almost loses his balance. Derek somehow moves fast enough to guide him back to the bed. Aaron tries and fails to ignore how warm he is.

"Thanks," he whispers, slightly breathless. And not just from almost hurting himself again.

"It's not a problem Aaron. Both things. Your friends can stay, we're just doing some simple checks," Derek says.

"Oh everyone calls him Hotch," Penelope says.

"Aaron is fine. Really." Because he likes Derek calling him Aaron. He wants Derek to call him Aaron.

And then he meets Emily's eyes and he realises his mistake. There's a common denominator that exists with everyone that he tells to call him Aaron, and he knows that she knows what it is. He's fucked.

"Okay then. Well, can you explain to me what happened?"

Aaron is mesmerised by Derek's eyes. So mesmerised that he forgets to answer. "Sorry, what?"

There's a flash of concern, replaced by a smile. "Can you tell me how you ended up here?"

"Oh yes. So, I'm a teacher- so is everyone here. And I- I was outside, with my- my students when Emily- that one there- she, look, it's a really mild concussion, can I just be discharged? I'm sure my students are very, uhh, very scared," he stutters. Why can he never function when he likes someone? It's mortifying.

"I'm sure it is, but you can't blame me for doing my job. I'm going to take your heart rate now, okay? The stethoscope will be cold, but it'll warm up eventually," Derek says.

Aaron nods, and barely flinches when it touches him. If anything, he's more concerned by how close Derek seems to be. Not in a malicious way, but he's always had this deeply irrational fear that if someone got too close to him, they'd be able to read his thoughts. Which would mean Derek can hear both the fact that he has a crush and that he has this fear.

Derek pulls away, and Aaron exhales.

"Your heart rate is unusually fast. Normally that wouldn't be too concerning, because we expect that when patients seem anxious, but you've seemed pretty calm, up till this moment," Derek says, noting how Aaron tenses.

"Is he going to be okay?" Penelope asks.

Derek turns to her. "Of course he is. He's in good hands."

Aaron needs to get his mind out the gutter before his cheeks explode. Or before Emily opens her mouth.

"Aaron, I know you think the concussion is mild, but this is still a requirement. I'm going to turn on this penlight, and I'm going to ask you to follow it with your eyes okay? Follow the light," Derek explains.

He nods, and Derek turns the penlight on. Aaron flinches at the brightness of it, then tenses in slight fear that his lovely doctor is going to be annoyed at him or call him difficult, or sigh and say he needs to stop acting like a child. It wouldn't be the first time,

But Derek doesn't do any of those things. He does something very different.

He places his hand on Aaron's thigh. "Easy tiger. I won't hurt you," he says.

Aaron melts. His eyes drop down to where Derek's hand is warming his skin. He thinks Derek says his name, but he's too busy having a crush to hear him. And then suddenly, his thigh is cold, but Derek is touching his shoulder and he should be shying away from the light being shone in his eyes. But he isn't because he's too busy looking at Derek and his beautiful eyes to even pay attention.

Rather late, he remembers that there is a reason for Derek to be looking at him the way he is, and he tries to follow the light. But the headache he's had since he came around is only getting worse, and the light isn't helping.

Derek isn't smiling anymore.

"Aaron. Be very honest with me. You've displayed difficulty with coordination, memory and speech. If I asked you whether or not you felt sick or nauseous, what would your answer be?"

Normally, he would just under exaggerate, but Derek seems to genuinely care. So he chooses to be honest.

"Yes?"

Derek's eyes widen. "Aaron, I don't want to alarm you, but I like to keep my patients informed. You're going to have a CT scan done immediately, and there's a chance you may be rushed into emergency surgery."

Everyone, including Emily, starts to panic, but Derek leaves the room to grab a nurse to help, and to tell someone else to make sure there's a clear room. Aaron isn't completely sure what's happening, but his head is killing him, so he lays down again. It only helps a small amount.

For Aaron, the CT scan isn't too bad. If he knew the reason it was being done, and that it wasn't a routine procedure, he would probably have spent the whole time panicking. But he doesn't, and so he sits there- well lies there- with a slight smile on his face. The migraine he's had has been getting worse, so keeping his eyes closed for such an extended period of time is actually quite enjoyable.

It is far less enjoyable for everyone that is upstairs, waiting to find out whether or not their friend has a brain hemorrhage. That's what Derek told them after Aaron was carted away, still seeming very out of it. They needed to test him for a brain bleed. And if he had one, then it would just be a case of waiting to see whether they could treat him. And even if they could treat him, it wasn't guaranteed that he would get back to normal.

Emily, in spite of all of her teasing comments, isn't coping. Because it's still early, the floor is relatively quiet, and Derek is technically on his lunch break, so he's sitting with them in an attempt to provide them with some sort of comfort. He's not sure where this emotional attachment to these random people has come from, but it's formed itself and now he's determined to provide some comfort.

"I really was aiming for his leg," Emily whispers.

"Hmm?" Derek asks, not quite following.

"When I threw the ball, I really was aiming for his leg. He had lost consciousness by this point, but I started crying when he hit the ground. He forgave me. He told me he loved me, platonically that is, and I laughed at him. He's going to die, and he isn't going to know how much he meant to me."

"He's not going to die. He may not even have a brain bleed. But if he does, we're going to save him, and you're going to be able to spend the rest of your life telling him how much he means to you. I promise," Derek says.

Even though there are tears in her eyes, Emily turns to him and smiles. "You're a good man, Dr Morgan."

"That's all I've ever wanted, Miss Prentiss. So thank you. It means a lot to me." And it does. He replays the moment as he goes over to Spencer and Penelope, who he feels a strange sense of protection over. Like he needs to protect them from everything, which is weird, because once Aaron is discharged, he'll probably never see them again.

That shouldn't make him sad, but it does.

"Mr Hotchner's CT scan came back normal. There's no sign of a brain bleed," the nurse tells them, what feels like a lifetime later.

There's a collective sigh of relief, and when he's wheeled back in, looking tired but alive, Emily throws her arms around her best friend, who lets out a soft sound of surprise. Like he's not quite used to the fact that people love him. Derek smiles. His patient will be in good hands when he gets discharged.

"Wait, so what caused all of those problems?" Spencer asks.

The nurse shrugs. "It's probably as simple as: his concussion was more severe than we initially thought, but not as bad as we feared."

"Oh."

"And on that note, Aaron, we're keeping you overnight for observation. It's just to be safe. We can't be too careful. You gave everyone a very big scare when you got sent out," Derek says.

Aaron cannot, and will not, confess. Does he feel guilty? Yes. But he can live with the guilt. He cannot live with the all-encompassing shame that will come with explaining that actually, the reason he was stuttering and failing the penlight test was because of a silly little crush.

"Okay," he says, determined to be as compliant as possible.

"One- and only one- of you is welcome to stay with him, if you'd like," Derek adds.

Haley's eyes light up. "I'll do it! Jessica can bring me my things, and maybe you'll be able to look at me after we've spent another night together. Only this time, nobody's getting pneumonia. I hope so, at least. You're not cold are you?"

Aaron shakes his head. "But you really don't need to stay. I'll be fine on my own. Seriously."

"I know, but I want to. Believe it or not, I do actually enjoy your company."

He smiles.

"We should all be getting a move on. Jason and Erin will want updates, and I have lots of marking," JJ says. She kisses Hotch on the forehead before walking to the door, smiling at Derek for looking after her friend so well.

Spencer waves from where he's standing and Penelope showers him with affection. Emily is the only one that seems hesitant to leave.

"Can I stay till visiting hours end?" She asks.

"Do you feel like you can keep up with these two lovely ladies Aaron?" Derek asks.

Aaron has never enjoyed the sound of his name as much as he does when it comes from the doctor. "I- sure," he stutters, and he just knows his cheeks are a stupid colour. Emily frowns, as though she finds something suspicious.

Derek smiles. "Good man. I'll be back in a few hours to run the same tests as before. For now, take it easy."

Derek doesn't come back a few hours later, because he has other patients. It's a different doctor, and Aaron is both relieved and disappointed. Because on the one hand, he's not going to create another medical crisis, on the other, he wants to see Derek again.

Maybe he can get Emily to knock him out again…

"Your heart rate seems completely normal. And you followed the penlight exceptionally well, so I believe we have nothing to fear. Of course, you'll stay overnight, and we'll run these tests once more before you're discharged tomorrow, but I think we're out of the woods now," they say.

Emily gasps, and Aaron knows he's screwed. Luckily, both the doctor and Haley seem to not have heard, and she leaves with the doctor, so Aaron doesn't have to know right at that moment whether his suspicions are correct.

"Night Hotchner," Haley says a few minutes later.

Hotch is already asleep.

The entire team comes and collects him from the hospital.

Aaron is just grateful they're sending him home with a pack of all the things he now needs to do, because he spent the whole lecture admiring how handsome Derek looks with sun shining down on him that he didn't take any of it in. It's also Derek's signature on the discharge papers. He's reminded of high school, when he and his friends would make fake marriage certificates. Not that he's going to do that.

"Bye Aaron. I don't want to see you here any time soon, okay?" Derek teases.

"I won't make any promises," he replies, just relieved he does it without stuttering or blushing.

Derek smiles, and the twinkle in his eyes seems even more mischievous. "Miss Prentiss," he says, spotting Emily.

"Dr Morgan," she responds. She's smirking.

When Aaron asks her what was going on, she doesn't answer. Haley says it's probably linked to the emotions of the previous day, and she's usually good at reading these situations, so he doesn't push any further. Besides, he's too busy catching up with the meetings he missed, and the antics of his students, because a lot happened in the three days he was off, to give it much thought.

Two weeks pass, and the incident is almost completely forgotten.

But then he walks back into his classroom, having just finished a meeting, and he finds flowers on his desk. Tulips. His favourite. He immediately pulls the note out, and when he opens it, he almost wonders if he's concussed it.

Because he knows that signature. He's been staring at it for fourteen days. It's Derek's.

"Surprise. Aaron," a voice says for the doorway.

"How- what- I- what?"

Derek Morgan, still in scrubs and a white coat, smiles at him. "Want to pick a question I can actually answer?"

"How did you- what are you doing here? And why?"

"Well, you should thank Emily. After the other doctor took your heart rate, she came and told me her suspicion. Apparently, you always say you're Hotch. Even the students call you Mr Hotch. Which is strange, because I call you Aaron. And, you shouldn't have done the penlight flawlessly if you had a more severe concussion. So she thinks you have a crush. I didn't want to be unethical, so those flowers can simply mean: I hope you're coping. If you don't have a crush that is."

"What if I do?" Aaron asks, surprised at his own boldness.

"Then I would ask if I could kiss you before I take you out to dinner," Derek says, not missing a beat.

"And if I said yes?"

Derek takes three long strides, and he kisses Aaron like it's something he was made to do. Aaron melts against him, trying to memorise him as quickly as he can, before he realises he has all the time in the world to do that. Because Derek is going to take him out to dinner. Derek, who brought him flowers.

"That was- wow. Wait. You have a crush on me too!" Aaron exclaims with a grin.

"Of course I do," Derek says.

That stuns Aaron back into silence. "Wow," he whispers to himself.

Derek hugs him, and being in his arms is everything- no more- than Aaron imagined it to be. "I'm glad you're okay," he says.

"I'm glad you don't hate me," Aaron says, because he really doesn't know what else to say.

Derek laughs, and Aaron can't wait to find all the ways he can make that happen.

"We should say thank you to Emily at some point. If she didn't know you as well as she does, she wouldn't have realised you had a crush. And if she wasn't so terrifying when she wants something good for her friends, I wouldn't have sent the flowers."

"Can we say thank you later? I want to stay like this for a few moments," Aaron whispers, snuggling closer to his new boyfriend.

"Of course we can," Derek says, kissing his forehead.

When they eventually make it to Derek's car- Aaron can come back tomorrow and get his, it'll be fine, Aaron realises he has one more thing to say.

"Derek?"

"Yes, sweetness?"

Well. That makes him feel things he won't confess too, because he needs something to make him seem the slightest bit cool.

"I'm really sorry I made you think I had a brain hemorrhage."

Derek's laughter is so real that Aaron can't help but join in, and they end up not starting the car for five minutes because it would be irresponsible to drive in that state. And it's only when they're pulling out that they both realise something: Derek gets to see Aaron's family again, and Emily didn't need to hit him in the head again for him to get to see Derek again.

[itsclydebitches]

YYH Recaps: Episode 1, Surprised to be Dead

Hello, all you hypothetical readers! It's a beautiful spring day and I have a free afternoon ahead of me, so what better time to start another massive project while I guilty stuff my other WIPs deep into the depths of my hard drive? Yeah. Iffy life choices aside, someone mentioned a few weeks back that they'd love for me to recap a show I have more positive things to say about than negative (RIP RWBY) and ever since Netflix announced that their live-action adaptation of Yu Yu Hakusho is in the works, I've been itching for a re-watch of the anime. With the RWBY hiatus underway, it seemed like the perfect time to fulfill both desires.

Before we begin though, I'd like to touch on a few things that are going to influence this project.

First, YYH is near and dear to my heart. Written by Yoshihiro Togashi in the early 1990s and later adapted for an American audience by Funimation, I had the pleasure of experiencing this story five different ways: as a serialized tale in Shonen Jump, a binge read when I had the money to buy the manga, tiny snippets of the anime on Adult Swim late at night — don't tell my parents ;) — as an after-school treat on Toonami, and then years later as a re-watch when I introduced it to a friend (who, in turn, blessed me by having us watch Fullmetal Alchemist next). I used to keep a Hiei bookmark in everything I was reading, the spirit gun made it into our witch-wolf-space adventures on the playground (middle school was wild), and there was a long period of my life where I tried very hard to teach myself to stand with my hands behind my back, precisely as Genkai does. Spoiler alert: I failed. So to say I love the series is... a little bit of an understatement. I bring this up simply as a way of demonstrating that there's more than a bit of nostalgia attached to YYH for me and that will inevitably cloud my reading of it. How can it not? So that's just something to keep in mind as I work through a series that, like any having hit its 30th birthday, has its outdated, flawed, and other questionable aspects.

Second, but very much connected to the first point, is that these are pretty casual recaps. I summarize and extrapolate, focusing primarily on plot and dialogue (but with the occasional cinematography aspect tossed in). I'm not conducting research on the cultural history here — something that will come up at least once in this episode — I'm not arguing an overarching thesis, and I've never been someone who focuses on the author/production/trivia of a series. I'm here for the story as the story is presented to the viewer. If you've read my RWBY Recaps, this will function precisely the same way, with the only difference being I'm engaging with a finished text as opposed to an ongoing one, so there’s a lot less, “Maybe ___ will happen” theorizing going on. 

Third, I obviously recommend that you watch the show yourself (you can find it on YouTube!), but you don't have to know the series to follow along. As these massive paragraphs attest, I tend to be both detailed and verbose, so we'll be covering every major plot point — and most of the smaller ones too.

Finally, I'm working from the dub. I know, I know, the horror. But it's what I grew up on and, honestly, I think it's superior to the sub. YYH's dubbing is in a class all its own and to this day there are very few shows that compare to it. Trust me, it's a good call.

That's enough of the boring chit-chat though. Let's get started!

Our very first episode "Surprised to be Dead" opens on a crowded street. We see lots of traffic, people going about their business, and a pedestrian crossing sign that, crucially, turns red. This is our normality and, like in every genre story, you need to break that normality at some point so that the protagonists can go on their fantastical/supernatural/science fiction journey. YYH eases us into things by first breaking the normality of an everyday afternoon: there's a screech of tires, quick shots of a man pushing a child out of the way of an oncoming car, and then his back is hitting the windshield. We begin this story with a horrible — but otherwise mundane — car crash.

Now, these flashes alone have a fair bit to unpack. Despite later getting a brief shot of the man's scared face right before he's hit, the moment's focus is really on the child. He's the one foregrounded in the initial, slow-mo shot. He's the one who appears in color while the man is kept in shadow. This isn't just a hit, it's a rescue. The camera is also careful to follow the soccer ball this kid was playing with (more on that later in the episode), with it flying through the air as the man is hit and bouncing to a stop in the street, acting as the dramatic finish. It's childhood! It's innocence! It's play on a sunny afternoon! And it's all gone wrong.

This moment is chaotic and even a bit confusing. Not in the sense of what's happening — that is quite obviously a guy being hit by a car — but who the victims are, how precisely this came about, or even why we're meant to care about this beyond a generic capacity to feel for other human (fictional) beings... that's all removed. And it works. As the crash takes place, the camera pans across the stunned crowd and we, the viewer, become a part of that crowd. They don't know what precisely is going on either. We're all just horrified onlookers as a sudden tragedy takes place. We're all watching the same show.

So everyone realizes this guy has been hit. People are staring in shock and someone calls for an ambulance. We see the driver fall to his knees in the street, distraught, shakily saying, "I didn't mean to..." It's a very serious and emotional scene that —

— is immediately tempered by this guy waking up, complete with a cute 'pop!' sound effect when he opens his eyes.

This is YYH's brand, this Very Serious Circumstances skillfully interwoven with casual indifference/comedy. It's admittedly far from a unique brand, but it's an excellent choice given that this is the same attitude that will drive 99% of our protagonist's interaction with the world.

Speaking of said protagonist, our guy wakes up, opens his eyes, and realizes that he's floating. There's a great, disorientating shot from his perspective where everything is upside down, causing him to nearly fall out of the air. Well would you look at that, he's as confused as we are. It's our audience surrogate!

A narrator says, "And so it all begins. This boy's name is Yusuke, he's fourteen years old, and he's supposed to be the hero of this story. But oddly enough, he's dead."

Game of Thrones might have made it popular, but YYH did it better.

(Yeah, yeah, I know one death kick-starts the journey and the other is a shocking twist. Just let me have this.)

Now, it's a weird introduction, right? At least at the end. The announcement that change has occurred, a name, an age... that all checks out. But "supposed to be the hero"? What the hell is that “supposed to” mean? Our narrator gives us the easy, surface answer: "But oddly enough, he's dead." We're capitalizing here on the audience's expectation that death ends a character's journey and though they may have been a hero previously, they can no longer be one moving forward. That function within the story has passed. So it's this intriguing question of, "What kind of hero do you have when that hero is dead from the start?" but as we'll see soon, there's an additional meaning here of, "How can Yusuke be the hero?" As this premiere sets up, Yusuke doesn't act like the hero is “supposed to” act. 

Until he saved this kid.

But right now he's just confused: "Okay, this is weird. Stupid weird."

Two EMTs arrive on the scene and are hilariously useless. You know how in any medical drama a doctor will stop CPR after a couple of seconds because obviously you're not going to spend half the episode on realism? Well, that's this only a thousand times worse. One guy just looks at the kid and announces he's fine except for some bumps and bruises. Meanwhile, the kid is sobbing.

"Well, at least one of them is," replies the other EMT, because I guess he can tell Yusuke is beyond hope without taking a pulse or anything? "I hate cleanup," he complains as they load his body onto a stretcher because that's? An empathetic response to have??

Honestly this scene is wild.

Yusuke is understandably upset that he's, you know, dead and all. He starts hounding the EMTs who, unable to hear him, just go about their business of taking the kid and his body to the hospital. "You think you can just do whatever you want because you have that stupid uniform on? You can't just write me off. Listen to me!" and Yusuke tries to punch one of the EMTs in the head, resulting in him floating right through.

What a great way to introduce your protagonist's personality. We see here that when things go wrong Yusuke's default emotion is anger and it starts creeping in even before he thinks the others are ignoring him: "Stupid weird." He has problems with authority — "You think you can just do whatever you want because you have that stupid uniform on?" — is used to others listening when he gets angry — "You can't just write me off!" — and is poised to use violence at the slightest provocation. Yusuke is a guy who, right now at least, is ready to punch first and ask questions later.

As Yusuke floats back up into the air and the ambulance drives away, he finally cools down enough to try and think his way out of this. "It's not like this is the first time you've been in a jam,” he thinks. Yusuke recalls that yeah, something was different about today...

...he actually went to school.

Catch me laughing that this idiot boy equates the weirdness of him dying with going to school. Good lord. 

Anyway, this jumpstarts our flashback. We open on a generic, anime middle school (that always feels like a high school to me) where the principal is calling for Yusuke through the loud speaker. Oooo someone’s in trouble! We follow a young girl up to the rooftop and she gets a classic hair-blowing-in-the-wind moment to  establish that she's our love interest. Meet Keiko Yukimura.

Keiko finds Yusuke hanging out and immediately starts lecturing him for trying to chew gum and refusing to wear the boys' uniform. "Oh, give me a break, Keiko. I look better in green." Note that it's here we learn her name and it's an easy, casual way to introduce it. I bring this up because Yusuke's introduction via our narrator is very much... not that. It's an on your nose statement about his name, age, and importance to the story, and if you're just starting the show in 2021, it might come across as a rather armature move. Like something out of a kid's show, perhaps. Yet here we see that this was a deliberate choice, considering that YYH is capable of introducing character information naturally when it wants to.

This moment also tells us that Yusuke cares a great deal about his image. More on that in a bit. Because Keiko isn't finished her list of grievances yet, going on to say that his attendance record has hurt their entire class, hurt her as class representative, and if he keeps going down this path he won't even graduate middle school. "Sometimes I think you don't care about anyone but yourself and then you don't even do that right!"

They're legit complaints. Too bad Yusuke is busy looking up Keiko's skirt.

Yeeeeah. Sadly, this is common for anime, particularly a 90s anime like YYH. Even presumably more progressive series like My Hero Academia feature characters like Mineta, whose entire personality is being a pervert, and the creation of abilities that "require" kids/young women to be scantily clad. See: Yaoyorozu. YYH is no different in this regard, with various forms of sexual harassment functioning as a shorthand for how much Yusuke secretly likes Keiko. "Boys will be boys," right? Obviously not. 

Like so many others series, the creators get away with it because they’re framing it as a bad thing. It's totally fine because look, Keiko slaps him! This is  teaching the viewer how wrong this behavior is. Never mind that this is clearly an established habit between them, that Yusuke laughs off Keiko's discomfort, and that the whole scene is meant to be funny for the viewer. That's the real purpose here; it’s not a PSA on harassment. 

That, and to establish the long-suffering love Keiko has for Yusuke in turn, largely stemming from a life-long friendship. "Dumb boy! He hasn't grown up a bit since he was four years old." We see that Keiko's early interactions with Yusuke have given her insight that others lack. As she heads down from the roof she runs into two girls hiding around the corner, too scared to come out lest "the great Urameshi" set his sights on them. Isn't Keiko terrified of what he might do to her? "Or worse, what others might say of it?" Like any classic high school middle school setting, one's reputation is king. Yusuke cares about how others see him — maintaining that tough boy attitude — and the girls care more about what the rest of the school might think of Keiko's interactions with him than the presumed harm Yusuke could do to her. They heard he can summon 2,000 men with just a whistle and that he "kills for fun!" But that means nothing in the face of people talking about you. Despite being one of the most popular girls in school, Keiko is the outsider here via her disinterest in what other people think.

The animation changes here, giving us a good look at how the girls picture Yusuke: tough, scowling, surrounded by shadows, and backed by an entire army.

In contrast, we've already seen what Yusuke is really like.

Keiko laughs the image off too. Yusuke is more like a "lamb" than a killer and besides, he couldn't order around two people, let alone two hundred. "He doesn't have many friends."

"That's not what I heard," says one of the girls. 

"Yeah," goes the other. "I think we would know." 

Again, rumors rule here, with whispers in the hall considered more reliable than someone who interacts with Yusuke on a daily basis. Keiko doesn’t have a hope of changing their minds. 

Oh, as a side note, I love that they gave Keiko Miyazaki-esque hair. It's very emotive.

Yusuke escapes outside where the principal is still calling for him to report to his office. He overhears a conversation around the corner and we cut to two boys, one of which is showing a wallet off to the other. He explains that some bully tried to rough him up, but he said he was Urameshi's cousin and the bully took off, dropping his wallet in the process. The guy's friend is impressed, but what is he going to do if Yusuke ever finds out he lied? Not to worry, he says, that "blockhead" would probably think it's true even if he did somehow hear.

Yusuke, obviously, does hear about this and he, also obviously, does not believe this guy is his cousin. He looms ominously and they scurry up against a wall, terrified and offering him the wallet as an apology.

"You think I want your money?" Yusuke yells.

YYH is, in many respects, a rather simple story, but I appreciate the hints of complexity in these otherwise straightforward interactions. It's not that this guy used Yusuke's name to steal a wallet, he used it as a form of protection against another bully — a far more sympathetic motivation. It's not that Yusuke's fearsome reputation has resulted in any genuine respect because once people think they're safe they reveal how little they think of his intelligence — he's a "blockhead." And Yusuke, though intimidating and violent, is not your average, schoolyard bully. He doesn't care about money, only the insult and the damage this guy using his name might have done to his reputation. There's a little more nuance here than you might otherwise expect.

Also, note how dark the boys' standard uniforms are and how much they blend into the rest of the world. Yusuke, as our protagonist, stands out in his bright clothing. He was right, he does look better in green!

So he's ready to clobber this kid when one of the teachers arrive: Mr. Iwamoto.

Iwamoto demands to know what's going on, but the boys are too terrified to rat Yusuke out. Noticing the wallet on the ground, he assumes that Yusuke was after their money, something that greatly offends him: "Whatever!" Iwamoto goes on to say that, "No good weeds like you should have been plucked a long time ago," making it clear that he considers Yusuke a hopeless case. The positive aspects that Keiko sees, as well as the complexity the viewer sees — to say nothing of his introduction of saving a kid — aren’t considered here.

Notably, Iwamoto exists in part to show us what Yusuke could become. Not a teacher (he's obviously not attending school enough for that!), but a cynical man who is cruel for cruelty's sake. Yusuke is already barreling down that path, ignoring Keiko's advice, terrorizing other students, trying to punch EMTs, etc. If his life (or afterlife...) hadn't changed through that accident, this is the kind of person Yusuke might have grown up to be, and we can see that clearly in the visual parallels between them. Dark haired men dressed in green who scowl with ease and toss out cutting insults. Yusuke is staring his future in the face.

For now he walks off with a final shot, "You shouldn't talk. It makes you sound stupid." This time Yusuke makes it to the school's entrance and tries to enjoy his second attempt at chewing gum, but someone hits him in the back of the head.

"Okay, somebody's DEAD — ah. Sorry, old man."

"That's Mr. Takenaka to you."

Our principal has finally left the office and hunted down Yusuke for himself! Putting this interaction immediately after the one with Iwamoto allows the viewer to compare them. Yusuke might be irreverent towards his principal, but it's clear there's still some kind of respect between them. Yusuke only starts threatening because he doesn’t realize who hit him and once he does realize it's Takenaka, he immediately apologizes. That "old man" comes across as a teasing insult and Yusuke allows himself to be briefly dragged back towards school, rather than throwing a now classic punch. In turn, Takenaka cares enough about Yusuke to try and keep him on the straight and narrow. He utilizes Yusuke's preferred language — violence — but in a casual way, nonthreatening way: slight hit to the back of his head, noogie, pulling him along by the ear. 

It's the sort of physicality we're used to seeing in media between a parent and child who are outwardly antagonistic, but actually share a deep bond. Takenaka is also careful to frame their return to his office as a "discussion," not a punishment, and offers Yusuke tea along with the conversation. Whereas Iwamoto considers Yusuke to be a "weed" that should have been plucked from their school long ago, Takenaka is determined to help Yusuke bloom.

If we're continuing the flower metaphor :D

Yusuke isn't in the mood to play along though. He gets away by using a fake ear, startling Takenaka when it unexpectedly pulls free. Yusuke escapes the school grounds and Takenaka, suffering a back twinge from his fall, can't chase after him. Poor guy. I understand that pain lol.

Yusuke heads home where we're introduced to his mother, Atsuko. Most notable in her first shot is the soft lighting that highlights her looks. We're not told how old she is here, but I believe she's around 28 — and she looks it, if not younger. Given that Yusuke is 14, that means Atsuko was a mom at his age. This is a quick and subtle way to tell us about Yusuke's home life. There are more overt details in this scene — it's at least lunchtime and Atsuko hasn't left her bed yet, she demands that Yusuke make her coffee instead of greeting him, it's all meant to imply (before we actually see) that she's an alcoholic — but her age is another way to highlight the broken household here. There's no partner in sight and she clearly had Yusuke as a teenager. He hasn't had a strong parental figure to take care of him. If anything, Yusuke is taking care of Atsuko here.

"Oh great, mother of the year!" basically sums things up.

Atsuko wants to know why Yusuke isn't in school and he says that everyone is pissing him off today, particularly with their preaching. "Dear, if you hate preaching so much you should live on your own... but you can't do that, can you?" Alongside a rough upbringing, Yusuke is suffering from the common problem of being trapped in a dead-end life. He hates his school, his town, and coming home to find his mom hungover. Yusuke has no prospects and, outside of one principal, no one who is actively working to help him find some. Even the little things he hates, like being preached to, are unavoidable because if you want to live on your own, that requires money. Good luck pulling that off as a middle schooler whose only skill is street fighting!

Yusuke walks off in a huff, literally shouting in a street about what a bad day he's having (and hilariously scaring off pedestrians in the process). His shout brings trouble though. A couple guys appear to ambush him, their boss close behind. The music increases the tension, Yusuke's expression is serious, and we even get a Dutch angle thrown into the mix. 

For any who don't know, the Dutch angle is a popular film technique to establish that something is wrong. There's tension in the scene, something uneasy is at play, and the world is now literally off center. It's perhaps most famously used in Do The Right Thing to establish the friction between an Italian-American pizzeria and the predominantly African American neighborhood it's based in.

But it's also used a great deal in horror as a way to say: yup, shit just got real. Scary real.

This Dutch angle introduces a character you may not appreciate at first, but absolutely should: Kazuma Kuwabara.

He's initially the comic relief and that's clear in his introduction. Within seconds we move from that intimidating arrival to, well, seeing him. To be clear, I've got nothing against redheads with big chins, but compared to Yusuke's design, Kuwabara is meant to be the funny looking one. His threat level plummets the moment we get a look at his face, especially in a series that will occasionally use looks as a (supposed) measure of intelligence. 

Also, Kuwabara is dressed in light blue so, like Yusuke, we know he's important!

Any assumptions that his appearance isn’t meant to imply a goofy, embarrassing personality are put to rest when Kuwabara starts rambling about how they last time they fought Yusuke just got a cheap shot in and he'll definitely win this time. Yeah, he won't. Yusuke is thrilled by this diversion though and we get a shot of him looking almost as creepy as Keiko's friends think he is. Whatever else might be said about Yusuke, he is absolutely a monster in a fight.

Which we see here. If anyone picked up the series without knowing this was a fighting anime, they'll realize it now. Yusuke's choreography is stylized to show off his skill: he disappears with a 'whoosh' and dark lines to suggest inhuman speed,

attacking Kuwabara with a knee to the face, utilizes flying kicks, lands perfect, precision punches, and ends it all with the toe-tip landing we've come to expect of all powerful fighters. Kuwabara never even got a hit in. 

Happy as a clam now, Yusuke wanders off whistling and Kuwabara's friends are left to pick up the pieces. AKA, his likely broken bones. I love that they're legit friends though and not just nameless goons for the sake of giving Kuwabara a small gang (though their names won't come up until later). "That makes 0 wins an 156 loses!" one of them cries, trying to get Kuwabara to stop ending up in the hospital, probably. We establish that Kuwabara is The Most Dramatic Ever when he pulls his broken body into a seated position, shouting, "No! I almost had him that time!"

Then he passes out.

Kuwabara, honey, you obviously did not almost have him, but god bless you for the outlook. The most optimistic thing on this Earth is a well-loved Golden Retriever, but Kuwabara comes in at a very close second.

With his dream to one day beat Yusuke in combat established, we cut to Yusuke wandering the street where the episode opened. "Okay, I'm remembering" he says in a voiceover. "After that I met the kid."

The soccer ball reappears as it rolls to a stop at Yusuke's feet. He grabs it and immediately starts yelling at the kid. Horrible protagonist, right? Well, Yusuke is trying to instill in him the danger of using this street as a playground, a worry the viewer already knows is 100% justified. “Listen, kid, that’s dangerous! There are cars going by that will splatter you into the pavement!” It's one of those quick moments where we get to enjoy Yusuke's duality: he's someone who is nearly making a toddler cry, but for rather understandable reasons. He's got the right idea, but needs to go about it in a more mature manner.

Which is precisely what he attempts to do. Sort of. Yusuke changes gears, though whether it's a more "mature" route is certainly up for debate lol. He tries entertaining the kid instead, raising and lowering the soccer ball to reveal goofy faces.

When these fail to impress, Yusuke goes full out by stuffing the ball into his pants, pushing his nose up with a pair of chopsticks he got from god knows where, and generally just putting on a display.

So Yusuke cares very deeply about his reputation... but only when it comes to those who are an established part of his life. Keiko, Mr. Takenaka, and the other kids at school all need to maintain a particular image of Yusuke, one that he's carefully cultivated. But random pedestrians on the street? Who cares about them? Let them talk.

This shows us that Yusuke does indeed have priorities over his own, selfish goals. Namely, the happiness of some kid is more important to him than looking "cool" for a bunch of strangers. Lots of characters with Yusuke's surface attitude would sneer at the idea of degrading themselves for — their words — some brat. But Yusuke, as we constantly see, actually does have that heart of gold. “Well, if all else fails I can still make kids happy.”

Although... I'm not sure what to make of his display itself. I have the distinct sense that there's something prejudiced here that I'm not able to fully articulate, what with the chopsticks, slanted eyes, bald head, and the like, though to be entirely frank I don't have enough knowledge of Japan's history to say precisely what it might be. Or, really, whether it exists at all. Just something to chew on.

What I am sure about though is the importance of having the child label Yusuke as monster — "Yeah, monster! — but in a delighted manner. Yusuke is indeed some kind a monster, someone who disappoints adults and terrifies his classmates, a demon fighter on the streets too, but here that identity is reworked into something positive.

Having successful secured a laugh, Yusuke tells the kid — calmly this time — to go play elsewhere. The toddler stares up at him with the blank expression only kids can manage.

Well, kids and whatever headspace I'm in after writing these metas.

To absolutely no one's surprise except Yusuke's, the kid does not go elsewhere. Instead, he continues kicking the ball down the street, causing Yusuke to exclaim, “Dammit, what’s the use? The kid can get smashed by a car for all I care!” Liar, liar. 

The picture becomes desaturated as the kid kicks the ball and it flies into the street, time slowing down to show it landing precisely in the middle of the road. Yusuke again yells for him to stay put, but when has a toddler ever listened? He begins to walk into the road as our driver arrives, speeding, swerving, and paying more attention to the girl at his side than what's in front of him.

This time, we see the accident from the front with both Yusuke and the kid presented equally.

There's a cut to black and when we return we're in the present, Yusuke floating above the policemen now investigating the scene. “So that’s it? I’m roadkill?” As Yusuke realizes he's dead, specifically that he's a ghost, a voice goes,

"Bingo! Bingo! You win the prize!"

A woman has appeared who is quite obviously othered by the standards of the episode so far. Unlike the greens, blues, and browns of the series' modern clothes, she's dressed in hot pink kimono with blue hair to match. She's also, you know, floating on an oar.

“I didn’t expect you to figure it out so quickly," she says, referring to Yusuke's revelation that he's dead. Apparently, those who meet unexpected and/or violent ends tend to take some time coming to terms with their demise. It's a nice acknowledgment of Yusuke's intelligence in an interaction that's otherwise... not great for his self-esteem.

Meaning, this woman is about to drag him lol.

She introduces herself as Botan, pilot of the River Styx and guider of souls to the afterlife. You might also know her as the Grim Reaper.

(Hey, RWBY fans: I originally wrote that as Grimm Reaper 🤦‍♀️)

It's an claim Yusuke takes issue with because 1. Botan is too pretty to be the Grim Reaper and 2. If she was really some god of death she'd be taking this much more seriously, not laughing and saying, "Bingo!" For the audience this does two things. First, it acknowledges our own expectations and validates them. Yusuke's world isn't so far removed from our own that he takes Botan's looks and personality at face value, he also expected a skeleton with a scythe. So don't worry, all the weird stuff in this series is weird to our protagonist too. They'll be explanations. Or, even if there’s not, you’re not wrong for being surprised. 

Second, it sets up the very common theme in YYH of undermining those common assumptions again and again and again. We've already seen it with Yusuke, wherein characters who look and act a certain way are, supposedly, destined to be that person and nothing more. Yusuke is meant to be just a "weed," a dumb, violent, angry loser who goes nowhere in life... but we already know he's more than that. Botan is supposed to be scary and serious, but she says nah, I want to be cute and bubbly instead. No character in YYH embodies who they're "supposed" to be when you look past those surface characterizations. They play the part of archetypes — and do keep certain parts of their expected personalities — but they're also far more well-rounded than that. Which yeah, is something most people expect from any story nowadays, but YYH is particularly adept at making you think you're watching Simple Show A only to turn around and surprise you with More Complex Show B.

It's great, trust me.

So Yusuke is pissed that Botan isn't adhering to those expectations, in the same way that he works hard to validate others expectations of him. He doesn't know how to deal with someone challenging his world view yet. Rather than angering Botan though, she just nods and says that this response makes sense for him. “Rather than being scared, or surprised, you yell a lot and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about." Taking out a notebook, she quickly summarizes everything we learned in the flashback — minus Yusuke's complexities: he's fourteen, in middle school, is ill-tempered, violent, hates authority, and is a horrible student.

Typically, Yusuke responds by getting angry and trying to snatch the booklet out of her hands, only for Botan to pull it out of his reach, laughing. The tables have turned! Rather than being surrounded by people who cower at Yusuke's imposed authority, he now finds himself faced with someone who laughs at his transparent attempts to take control of the situation.

Calming down, Yusuke wants to know if the kid he saved is really alright and Botan offers to let him see for himself. That offer produces Yusuke's first, genuine smile.

They fly to the hospital where a doctor is in the process of giving the kid a clean bill of health, his mother crying with relief. 

That's enough for Yusuke. “Alright, Botan, I’ve got no regrets, so you can take me to hell or wherever it is I’m going.”

That tells you all you need to know about Yusuke's self-worth, despite his bad boy attitude. His life is a dead-end as far as he can see and most of those around him haven't done anything to dissuade him of that idea. He says he doesn't care if the kid lives or dies, but then instinctively saves him. Post his death, Yusuke doesn't have anything he considers a regret, or anything he'd like to do before he leaves, like saying goodbye to a loved one. Oh, he's also pretty sure he's going to hell and has resigned himself to that without a fight.

Uplifting!

Botan just laughs though, saying that she's actually here to offer Yusuke an "ordeal" that could bring him back to life. See, he wasn't supposed to die today — let alone die saving a kid — and frankly they don't know what to do with him. It's another neat summary of what we've already learned: Yusuke is a far more complicated case than the afterlife assumed and now, when push comes to shove, deciding whether he belongs in heaven or hell is... muddled.

There's a fantastic story there about the problems with an afterlife that reduces a person's entire life to a few surface characteristics recorded in a book, refusing to acknowledge the context of their situation, or their capacity for change. “Run someone with your credentials a thousand times and they never would have saved a kid like that." Except, of course, Yusuke did save him, so those "credentials" are suspect, to say the least. However, YYH is not a story that explores these issues. Instead, I recommend you watch this!

Rather than being upset at the afterlife's low opinion of him (because let's be real, Yusuke shares it), he latches onto a little detail Botan let slip. If he wasn't supposed to die today... then was the kid?

Mmm... no. Actually, without the chaos of Yusuke jumping into the road, the driver would have swerved at the last second and the kid would have not only lived, but actually come out with one less scrape.

So Yusuke is obviously upset by this news! I would be too!! Holy shit, hang onto the "it's the thought that counts" message with everything you've got.

Also, don't think too much about the fact that the afterlife apparently knows exactly what will happen to people, down to how many cuts they accumulate in an accident. Also, don't think too much about where the afterlife foreseeing the crash begins and the unexpectedness of Yusuke interfering ends. That way lies madness. This will never come up again, so just let it go.

Sorry, 2013 me hijacked the post for a second.

As said, Yusuke is understandably upset by this revelation and as he fumes I'm reminded that this series likes to pull some amazing expressions.

Botan reiterates that it's all fine because Yusuke can come back to life. Weren't you listening? He should feel honored, in fact, considering that an offer like this only arrives every 100 years or so. Well, that explains why all of humanity isn't grappling with people coming back to life on the daily. One person every generation isn't going to cause much of a stir.

However, instead of jumping at the chance Yusuke announces that Botan is just like the teachers at school: she doesn't know what she's talking about. “You said yourself my life was kind of pathetic, right?” he says, going on to explain that everyone will be happier now that he's dead. His school won't have to deal with his behavior, Keiko won't have to nag him, and his mom will be able to party whenever she wants. It's a win-win for everyone involved. 

Hmm, this feels familiar. 

Don't worry, Yusuke doesn't need to experience a whole alternate reality to get the message.

“I’m sorry you feel that way at such an early age," Botan says and she is sorry, because despite her teasing nature that's a legitimately horrifying thing to believe. Yusuke won't budge though and after a little back-and-forth Botan leaves, telling Yusuke he should think it over while visiting his wake. She'll come back once he decides what to do.

“Do you have worms in your ears, lady? I did decide!” but Botan is long gone.

We cut to that night where Yusuke has indeed decided to attend his own wake. Maybe because of Botan's advice, maybe because he's just morbidly curious. We’re not given insight into the decision. 

Atsuko is a mess, to put it mildly, not dressed for the occasion and sitting slumped against the way, staring vacantly as the guests offer their condolences. Yusuke is surprised by the fact that his entire class is here, but quickly writes them off when he sees two of the boys laughing. I'm on the fence about this detail, which I'll unpack in just a second.

First though, Yusuke sees Keiko exiting the house, inconsolable in her grief. She collapses on the ground with her two friends trying to offer comfort, despite the fact that they had nothing good to say about Yusuke himself. Good on them.

Before he can think too long on this though, Yusuke is distracted by Kuwabara's arrival. Unlike Keiko's crying, he expresses his grief through yelling. Specifically, yelling at Yusuke. For dying. For daring to "run away." His own friends are physically holding him back as he charges into the wake, screaming, “Who am I gonna fight now, huh? Who am I gonna fight?" It's not really about the fighting, of course. At least, not the fighting alone. "You’re supposed to be here for me," Kuwabara finishes, the punch he's thrown at Yusuke's photo going limp and catching his first tear.

You know, for all the  goofy expressions, this show really is gorgeous. Just wait until we get to the fight animations.

Kuwabara's reaction is why I hesitate to write off the classmates like Yusuke has. Granted, we have no reason to believe that they care for him as Kuwabara does — they're nameless background characters defined only by their terror of "the great Urameshi" — but it's still a split second taken out of context. We don't know what they were laughing at, or if laughing is a part of their grief. God knows I personally laugh at the most inappropriate moments. If you tell me someone has just died there is a very good chance I will laugh awkwardly as I try to process that. It’s just a reflex. All of which I bring up not because these side characters are important, but because Yusuke's perception of his own worth is. The point of each of these moments is to show that those around him have always cared for him, even if Yusuke didn't notice. It's nice to think that extends to his classmates too. The variety likewise exists to show us how people grieve differently, with Kuwabara's friends not understanding that this is how he's working through the trauma: “This place is for mourning!” He is mourning, even if his way of mourning isn't as socially acceptable as Keiko's. So if screaming and throwing punches is valid, crying is valid, staring stoically in a drunk stupor is valid... why not laughter too?

Not likely, perhaps, but possible.

As an additional possibility to chew on, watching this premier again, it struck me how more emotional Kuwabara's scene is compared to Keiko's. Don't get me wrong, crying and calling Yusuke’s name gets the point across, but it's two seconds of generic grief compared to a much longer scene rife with intensity. When Kuwabara arrives the music swells and everyone is forced to pay attention to him. His grief is loud, violent, and given symbolism with his fist and the photo. There's more effort put into his reaction, frankly, so it wouldn't surprise me if fans started shipping them after this. That grief combined with an "enemies to lovers" possibility is a pretty potent mix. To be clear, Yusuke/Keiko is the (oh so obvious) canonical endgame and in the fandom Yusuke/Kuwabara can't compare to another slash ship that will turn up later, but this is a good example of how writers can craft some Very Gay Scenes without realizing it. When you have the girl crying prettily for a second and the guy absolutely losing his mind over Yusuke's death, questioning his purpose now, his support network, and then collapsing in grief... don't be surprised if your audience goes, "Oh hey, maybe they'd be a good couple instead."

But I digress.

The only people who are unquestioningly happy about Yusuke's passing are Mr. Iwamoto and his co-conspirator, Mr. Akashi. You know Akashi is another bad guy because he has bucked teeth and "ugliness" is an easy way to code for evilness. YYH is not immune to those mistakes :/

These two are really something else though, standing in the middle of a wake and claiming it's “too bad that car wasn’t big enough for them too," referring to Kuwabara and his friends. Wow! What stellar members of the academic community. Iwamoto goes on to say that Yusuke dying at least accomplished something good. Not, mind you, saving the life of a child, but rather looking good for their school's reputation. Akashi agrees, but says it's likely Yusuke only accidentally saved him while trying to steal the kid's lunch money. Remember, that accusation of theft is the one thing Yusuke has said outright that he does not do.

He's pissed listening to all this — wouldn't you be? — but knows by now he can't do anything about it. In another fantastic shot, Yusuke hovers his hand over Iwamoto's shoulder, desperate to grab him, when Takenaka's arrives there instead.

“What do you suppose is more disgraceful? That boy showing his misery, or your insensitive and idiotic words!”

HELL YEAH. You tell 'em, Mr. Takenaka.

Yusuke gets his third shock of the night at this passionate defense. Takenaka leaves the teachers to go pay his respects, but admits to Yusuke's picture that he just can't speak well of him. He was surprised to hear that Yusuke gave up his life for another and it's a fact that he acted selfishly. Though he doesn't say it in as many words, Takenaka explains that he's not grieving because Yusuke was a good person, but because it's so clear to him that he might have been. “Why didn’t you stay? You could have made something great out of yourself.”

Normally, "Why didn't you stay?" is just something for the living to grapple with, as the dead obviously don't have any say in what happens to them. But Yusuke does. It's here that the lighting grows soft again and Yusuke considers Takenaka's words. Keiko and Kuwabara grieve for who he was, but Takenaka grieves for who Yusuke could have been — someone that might still exist if Yusuke decides to undergo this ordeal.

Atsuko adds fuel to the emotional fire, breaking down and hiding her face in her knees.

Finally, the kid Yusuke saved arrives with his mother. Because yes, Yusuke saved him in every way that matters, considering no one else knows — or will know — that he'd have lived anyway. I like that the show doesn't allow that knowledge to undermine the emotion of their arrival, or what Yusuke’s act meant to them. 

The mom tells her son to pay his respects and the kid thanks Yusuke for saving him, and for "making faces." He clearly doesn't get what's going on here. This is confirmed as the two leave and he asks his mom if he can play with Yusuke again tomorrow. “I know some people sounded angry at him, but he’s really nice!" 

They're probably just crying because they want to play with him too, he thinks, which just makes his mom join in. Everyone is crying in this club tonight.

Those words are the cincher for Yusuke and with a brief montage of all the grief he's witnessed, he makes his decision.

We cut to later that night where Yusuke floats above the city, admiring the moon. Botan reappears and he asks, “Have you ever not known about something that seemed obvious to everyone else?” Yes, everyone has experienced that at one point or another. She asks if he's made his decision and Yusuke agrees to try and come back to life.

Emotional revelations out of the way, we're allowed another tone shift as Botan yells with joy, speeding off and causing Yusuke to grab hold of the end of her oar, lest he be left behind. Cranky as always, he demands to know where they're going. "To the spirit world, of course!" They're off to see someone who can explain the ordeal and give Yusuke the tool needed to complete it. Just hang on and enjoy the ride.

Thus ends our very first episode! Ah, the nostalgia. This is part one of a four arc series, with the anime cutting out a lot of the filler stories found at the start of the manga — a smart decision, I think. They primarily do the work of teaching Yusuke what he learned at the wake, so if you can accomplish that as quickly as the adaptation did, all the better. Especially since Yusuke needs to grow a great deal beyond the basic understanding that people might, sort of care for him, and that work will occur primarily through a job he's going to take on. The series isn't really about his death and it's not about an attempt to come back either — it's about what happens once you get that second chance. So this is the setup, but it's important setup all the same.

No need to skip ahead though. I've blathered enough for one recap. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you when the writing gods next bless me with energy! 💜

[luminous-studiess]

I’m considering going into law as a career path but I’m not sure...do you have any insight or advice?

hi!!!!!  uh ok several thoughts coming from someone who struggled with “is this really what i want” before going into law school/the first three semesters. under the cut because this is LONG.

1. the first question you may want to ask yourself is whether or not you have enough interest (note: not passion.... more on that later) in law as a subject to study it for 3-4 years. are you updated on current events, both in your country, and abroad? do you have an idea of what law school in your country is like? why do you want to go into law? admittedly these are questions you yourself have to answer, to see if it really is worth it. the why is very important, because this may be the only thing that sustains you when you’re wading through coursework and dealing with scary professors and getting cold-called. if you think that it’s something you’d be interested enough in to put in admittedly a lot of time, emotion, and suffering into, then that’s great!! ok. this may tie into the next thing you have to ask yourself: 2. do you have an interest in/or are willing to learn the skills which are required in law school and beyond?  law students are required to read huge piles of text, be able to digest it, retain it, and then regurgitate it both in class discussions and in exams. this means that you need to at least be a diligent, patient reader, an efficient and clear writer, and a strong speaker.  in your later years, you will have to draft pleadings and memoranda. this requires extremely sharp writing skills, logic, research abilities, and (weirdly enough), organizational skills. you need the patience to make an argument for a client, usually crafted out of documents and legal provisions and mountains of cases.  you don’t have to be all these things right away-- my classmates and i, in our first semesters, had no idea what was going on, and nobody knew how to speak up when called without panicking or stammering or (in my case) nearly crying. but you learn those things in time. are you willing to put in the effort? then you can do it, absolutely. 3. are you ready for the lifestyle law school requires?  i’ll say this right away. it can be one of the most unhealthy environments you’ve ever been in. i’ve mentioned the heavy coursework-- it depends again on where you’re studying, but the course load can usually vary from 10-20 cases (say... 5 to 100 pages at most per case?) per class, plus a handful of laws and articles. you have to have read these -- skimmed, briefed, digested, taken notes -- and then be ready for class discussions, where you could get cold-called.  this entails pretty much an entire life which revolves around studying. it does get easier, and it does get lighter (in the sense that life does come back), but the first semester or so of law school will be completely about trying to chase every deadline, every requirement, and yes, every bit of sleep you can catch. the actual environment can be difficult as well-- in some law schools, the learning atmosphere can be tense, to say the least: the professors can be quite strict, if not downright harsh, and you can spend entire class sessions getting grilled through the socratic method, aka an endless barrage of questions you may not know the answer too. the culture shock coming in is pretty hard as well. suddenly, you’re grouped with so many brilliant, hard-working, eloquent people that it becomes easy to doubt yourself. from experience, law school took such a toll on my physical and mental health (poor sleep, poor eating habits, bad class performance and being afraid of the professors) that i was very close to quitting. however....... IT GETS BETTER. okay, hopefully, i haven’t scared you away. now make these considerations: 4. if you have a strong reason for wanting to go to law school, and getting through it, then even the hard parts become worthwhile. initially i wanted to go to law school because i was mildly intrigued by how i could use the speaking and writing skills i got from my college degree. after becoming quickly disillusioned by my first few weeks, i had to rethink why i would want to stay. one reason, admittedly, is that the promise of a well-paying job can keep you working through everything despite all the pain, suffering, and embarrasment. that sounds really covetous ngl but...... i once mentioned on this blog that i wanted to work in something i wasn’t extremely, wildly passionate about, so that i would have the money and security to fund my real passions. living, and living well is so expensive. not all of us can work in things we absolutely, completely love, so if there’s an opportunity to sustain yourself well, so that you can keep doing the things you like in the side, then it is an opportunity worth pursuing. another reason, at least for me, is that while one aspect of law and lawyering that most ppl see is the “jeff winger” “harvey specter” sleazy lawyer aspect, admittedly, a lot of the law is embedded in the things we do, and the rights we possess. if two people are fighting over a piece of land, they turn to the law to resolve it. if someone is being arrested without cause, then it’s the law that’s being disregarded. you do have the potential to help many people, just by your knowledge of basic civil rights, to some labor laws, to property rights. you don’t necessarily have to work pro bono all the time, but you can accrue enough knowledge to help individuals who don’t know the law as well, and as deeply as you could. and that in itself can keep you going-- you know that you could keep someone out of jail, or help them claim support, or protest unfair labor practices.  5. the journey can be more beautiful than you expect. ok this sounds like live, laugh, love bullcrap but to illustrate: i was completely afraid and lost during my first year of law school, but i had the total luck of becoming blockmates with smart, funny, kind people who became my family in law school. we studied together, went drinking at the end of the sem, had lunch and dinner and breakfast while reading and talking and fighting and teaching each other things. i know for a fact that some of these people will be my bridesmaids, and people i’ll contact for work, and to hang out with 10 years in the future. these people keep you going. as much as i mentioned terror professors, there are also the ones who taught so well, and gave me so much inspiration through the sheer passion they had for the law. there are professors who spend the entire day talking one-on-one to the students to check on how they are. i broke down in front of two professors after class in my first year-- the first one awkwardly comforted me, and the second pulled me into the faculty reading room to have a good, private cry. she handed me a tissue afterwards. you have the opportunity to learn from both brilliant and kind professors and fellow law students, and suddenly, things become a little easier. cases actually make sense. you know how to study for exams and how to speak up in class. you finally get 8 hours of sleep (i do tbh). you find a little to like about learning each and every day. so, in short-- law school is brutal, and it can be unmerciful. but you don’t need to be smart to get through: just be a little interested, very hard-working, and have a lot of grit. please let me know how you’re doing, friend! good luck.

[lookforthefuture49]

I'm back at it with FNAF. Great.

After this I'll try to talk about other stuff, but people seem to only be looking at my FNAF related posts.

So I think I've mentioned this in the post about it literally not being possible for Michael to be the Crying Child, and, as all of you people who like FNAF know, the series is quite well known for its extremely confusing, convoluted timeline and characters.

When I was just coming into this Fandom and had only learned Michael existed as of recent, it was extremely difficult to fully understand what was happening because everything was a jumble.

Like, my friend says Sister Location comes before FNAF 1, and people believe Michael is Mike Schmidt, but, this isn't possible. Michael has white pupils and pitch black Sclarae, and Mike has normal blue eyes. Once again, people still believe this? It led me to believe Sister Location came after the first game, which honestly would make more sense since the animatronics are more advanced in SL, and yet somehow it STILL comes before?

This isn't exactly a timeline talk anymore but everything just jumbled together so I'm gonna keep talking.

Speaking of confusion, I was also led to believe that the Crying Child was experiencing hallucinations in FNAF 4 due to the bite, but after a bit of research it appears that if basic cognitive function isn't possible without a frontal lobe, vivid hallucinations and easy movement like that couldn't occur. Unless their nightmares, but that wouldn't be possible either. Anyway I've since remembered the minigames and corrected myself, but, it still is, admittedly, confusing. I chalked it up to nightmares.

FNAF 4 as a whole is confusing mostly because it's the one I both least and most hear about. Weird.

Anywhom, my own misconceptions aside, I'll continue.

I've noted that there are almost no actual fleshed out characters in the FNAF series (I haven't read Fazbear Frights but were going to ignore those here). Charlie from the books and Michael from the games seem to be the only two actual characters in this entire series, since they have the most development. Not sure about William but he's probably a bit developed. Not counting that jerkwad though. I hate him.

How can a series with an actual story have only 2 fleshed out characters, one of which being from the books? Charlie's game counterpart's soul is in the Puppet, and last time I checked Puppet doesn't get character development.

That leaves 1 character. Uno. A single character goes through internal and external (did I just make a pun?) conflict, and that's it. I mean other characters have gone through conflict of their own but I'm pretty sure Michael's the only one we know well. All the rest are built off of assumptions the last time I checked.

How did we wind up here? With a single developed character?

Not sure, frankly.

I thought it was cool FNAF was shrouded in so much mystery but now that I've both run out of content to take in from the games and books for Michael and am pretty sure I know everything I need to, I just have to ask:

Why would someone make a cool story and stuff and then NOT take COMPLETE ADVANTAGE of said story?

I noticed that FNAF has nearly nonexistent dialogue, relying solely on hints and mjnigames to get its story across, and while this is cool, it got confusing fast when they got an actual character and not a bunch of silent protagonists.

I'm still hoping the new creator goes in some direction that is open to letting us actually know characters. I wanna be able to root for someone, like them, and know them. I was able to do it a little bit with Michael, and it's a good step that we actually get a full 3d model for Gregory that we get to SEE. That's a very good step in the right direction indeed.

Maybe I'm not expecting the right things, since I went into the series with a long history of both hating it and only reading fantasy related things, so my outlook when I realized there was an actual character was "Well he better be a good one."

I want something to like out of this since I'm not big on horror but rather mystery, so that's what I'm here for, but I also need a good cast to get attached to, and all I've learned so far is:

-Its hard to get attached to animatronics.

-William is extremely unlikable, not that I liked him much before I joined the fandom.

-The only two characters I like in Charlie and Michael both died weird deaths (Charlie an even stranger one to be frank).

-Carlton did not deserve to be in a horror novel.

-I got attached to Michael and he ended up a scorched corpse.

Sorry for rambling I'm gonna post about something else later.

[vesuvian-american-fics]

better with time. Ch 4

fevers.

You’re struggling with a harsh fever. (AO3)

Words: 1,633

The following weeks were a blur of the same old routine. Reading, writing, drawing, and trying to speak. Progress was made but it was all too frustratingly slow for your own liking. You could make sounds now but they were embarrassingly hoarse and your throat was sore from the work. Only Hange was around for the vocal lessons and you were pleased with that. Who knows how Levi would tease if he heard your voice as it was now?  

You could sound out your vowels and other simple noises, your irritated huffs and puffs now came with sound, something Levi wasn’t too happy about. Hearing you express your agitation with his presence annoyed him like no other but he often held his tongue. One stern glare would settle you down for the time being, you knew your place and that was enough for now.  

“Oi...” He said, as he opened your cell door just a crack for you to come retrieve your lunch. No response, even though you’re sitting right there in your cell reading at your desk he presumed. Levi rolled his eyes before stomping into the cell and harshly dropping a tray down next to your slumped form. The loud racket from the clanking metal and glass shook you from your slumber. You must have dozed off instead of studying.  

A gleam of cold sweat made your forehead shine as a few loose strands were sticking to you. Levi frowned before snatching his hand away from you, afraid of being too close. He recoiled in disgust before exiting the cell and heading towards Hange’s office.  

“Shitty Glasses, your favorite titan looks sick.” He says wiping his hands clean on his handkerchief. Hange didn’t take their eyes from their microscope lens, they simply hummed at nothing in particular. Levi’s eyes narrowed; he’s sure they hadn’t actually heard a word he said.  

“Oi! You hear me?” He asked, stepping closer, again, he was partially ignored.  

“Huh? Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not feeling too good right?” They said, slipping a new slide under the scope and scribbling notes haphazardly in their messy notepad. Levi pinched the bridge of his nose before kicking at Hange’s stool to garner their full attention. Hange gasped as their arms flailed to grab the desk before them as to not fall on their ass.  

“O-oh! Who’s sick?” They sheepishly asked as they tried to set everything back to rights on their disorganized table. Levi huffed at the scene before him before giving Hange a well-deserved lecture about keeping tidy and listening when they’re spoken to.  

“That brats down there sweating like a hog, get them a bath. She looks shitty.” He said as he turned to make his leave for a cup of steaming black tea.  

“I’m busy why don’t you do it?” Hange complained taking one last glimpse at the specimen in their microscope slide. Levi said nothing, simply leveling Hange with a stare over his shoulder.  

“Joking, joking! Right away!” Hange rushed past Levi in their haste to get a bath running for you. Levi shook his head before continuing down the opposite hallway for his tea and some quiet time in his office signing off on reports.  

You had hardly touched your lunch when Hange got to you. They cocked their head to the side as they watched you pick away at the vegetables on your plate, long gone cold. Hange playfully huffed at the sight, surely a hot bath, fluids, and some rest and you’ll be right as rain.  

You gave Hange a weary smile and wiped your forehead clean of any lingering sweat. Hange returned that smile and ushered you off to the bath, this time allowing you to wash your own hair. The two of your shared a few laughs as Hange walked you through their latest experiments and the daily goings on with the Scouts.  

“They’re really curious about you, you know. Sooner you can talk and we get things cleared up I think Levi will let you meet people.” You snorted at that, sure he would.  

Hange barked a hearty laugh before continuing.  

“He’s actually not so bad when you get to know him.” They said with a soft smile, reminiscing on the good times.  

You scrunched your nose up at the thought but you also were the type to see the good in everybody, and surely, he had some good qualities if Hange could stand him. Of course, he’s strong, intelligent, and admittedly handsome, but is there truly anything charming about his character? Not yet at least, you thought.  

The time spent in the hit bath must have taken its toll on you, your face was flushed red and you were out of breath just sitting there. Your heart was pounding and your vision was growing dark around the edges. You motioned for Hange to come help you stand and with hand movements you told them you desperately needed something to drink. Swiftly, the two of you made it back to your cold damp cell where you shuffled into bed and they were off once again to grab you a cup of warm tea.  

On the way to the canteen for a clean glass, Hange spotted and angry Levi storming down the hallway. Quickly, Hange tried to avoid the Captain but he caught up to them with little effort and grabbed them harshly on the arm.  

“Shitty Glasses... where are those reports I asked for yesterday?” He grilled, folding his arms over his chest with a look on impatience plastered of his pale face.  

“Uh... I got carried away in my research– but, I can work on that right now and get them on your desk tonight!” Hange clasped their rough hands together, almost begging for Levi’s patience. He sighed before he agreed and begin to stalk off further down the hallway.  

“Ah! But can you get our guest some tea? I think she’s just dehydrated. Thank you!” Before Levi could protest Hange was gone in an instant to go finish up those reports as ordered.  

“She’s no guest.” He muttered to himself as he fixed two cups of steaming jasmine tea, adding a bit of mint to both drinks. His light footfalls descended the stairs and you groaned realizing it wasn’t Hange but Levi that was bringing your drink, meaning he’d probably sit down here and watch you until the early evening. You tried to feign sleep, hoping to avoid any awkward interaction with the man but he saw through your trick in an instant.  

He cracked open the cell door before sighing in annoyance.  

“Oi, come get this cup.” You hesitated a moment before tossing the thin sheets off of your body and shuffling towards the bars. You gave Levi a curt nod before graciously taking the warm tea from him and drinking it like you hadn’t had water in weeks. It did well to soothe your aching throat and warm your body instantly.

He quirked an eyebrow at that but instead of commenting he slammed the cell shut before taking his seat. He drank his tea with more patience than you, savoring the cool minty flavor that could ease any illness he ever encountered. Thinking back to Hange’s words earlier you decided to show your gratitude properly now that you finished that delicious tea.  

You raised your tea cup to Levi in cheers before giving the man a shy yet genuine smile. He simply nodded before closing his eyes and continuing to sip his drink. You flopped down onto your bed as your pounding headache began to cloud your senses.  

<3 

For the next three days your mind was foggy. You don’t remember much other than sleeping majority of the day, sweating, a skull shattering head ache, and a fresh cup of tea three times a day.  

You also developed a dry cough that destroyed your throat, unfortunately you found the tea did little to soothe that even though you hardly had the energy to sit up and drink. You looked horrible, soon enough Levi and Hange knew this was no mere dehydration spell. Something was clearly wrong, maybe you were battling a fever of some sort.  

An emergency report was sent to Erwin and the next day he was standing before you, a heavy hand over your forehead.  

“Definitely a fever.” He said, confirming their conclusions.  

“We should move her to the infirmary for the time being until this fever breaks.” He spoke as he pulled the damp sheets from your body. You shivered at the change in temperature, shrinking in on yourself.  

Levi frowned, he wouldn’t like the idea of you being out of your cell and upstairs but you looked gravely ill. He sighed in defeat, if he were in chargehe’d bring any medicine you’d need down here but Erwin was too foolishly kind.  

As you at up to stand with the Commander’s help a sharp pain shot through your chest. You gasped and clutched the sweat laden fabric over your chest, your lungs were on fire, heart pounding against the back of your sternum. You doubled over as a violent cough racked your body, drops of crimson blood spilled to the wet stones underneath your feet.  

Hange gasped, rushing forward to catch you before you hit the ground, your consciousness quickly fading. Levi’s eyes widened at the sight before him, lines of blood spilling from your lips, utter pain etched across your features, drenched hair dripping with sweat, your labored breathing loud and rushed. Erwin rushed out of the cell carrying you up to the infirmary with Levi and Hange hot on his heels.  

Your consciousness was wavering, all you know was that you saw many concerned faces on the way to wherever you were being carried.  

And then everything went black.  

[prettywordsyouleft]

MonX Hospital | Kihyun

Pairing: Yoo Kihyun x reader

Genre: ENT doctor – hospital au / romance / musical actress au

Warnings: medical terms and recovery, slight suggestive tone at the end

Word count: 3579

Index: Shownu | Wonho | Minhyuk | Kihyun | Hyungwon | Jooheon | Changkyun

“He’s the best of the best,” your manager Dot had urged, her tone too excited for something so serious. “You’ll be back to singing in no time. In fact, you’ll be singing my praises once it’s all over and done with!”

You hadn’t appreciated Dot’s enthusiasm one bit but you couldn’t deny as you looked at the oak door before you that her glowing recommendation had you more than a little hopeful for today’s hospital appointment.

You needed to see the best ENT specialist if you wanted to recover and return to your headlining spot as a musical actress.

“Miss L/N?” a well-presented nurse called out and you perked up from your seat, watching her reach for the handle of the oak door and welcoming you inside. “Doctor Yoo is ready for you now.”

Stepping inside the office, you took in the wall of accolades appreciatively and then sat in the seat the nurse directed you to in front of an expansive desk. Looking at the various medical models upon a shelf near another door, you jumped when it opened suddenly and a young doctor entered the room.

This surprised you greatly. You had expected someone much older if he was the best in this field.

“Hello Y/N, I’m Doctor Yoo, your specialist for today,” he greeted with a broad smile that curled up his eyes behind his circular glasses.

Smiling curtly as you slipped your hand into his outstretched one, you greeted the handsome man quietly as you battled with the conflicted thoughts within your mind. You wanted a doctor who could help you, not someone who looked as if he had just graduated from medical school.

Doctor Yoo then perched on the front of his desk in front of you, still smiling comfortably. “Are you nervous? Don’t be. If anything, it should be me who is taken back in your presence. I’ve seen you perform a few times. I never expected I’d be treating you for a vocal cord condition, however.”

“These things happen,” you mentioned politely whilst silently berating yourself for the umpteenth time.

You knew better than to overdo it. The warnings from the professionals working for your production team had been there all along. Your voice was what had earned you just as many accomplishments as the doctor had upon his wall. You were a rising star, a household name in affluent circles. Your roles had surpassed all your childhood expectations and now you were headlining the biggest acts each year.

Your greed was what led you to sitting in front of the specialist today. You craved to be better than your last performance every time. And now you couldn’t even sing one simple line, let alone talk without your voice breaking and feeling hoarse consistently.

“Of course, I’ve seen it countless times, so you’re in good hands.”

“I can’t help but notice your appearance doesn’t quite match what I expected when hearing you’re the best in this field, Doctor Yoo.”

“There’s the honest side to you that I was waiting for,” he mentioned with a grin as he rounded his desk and sat behind it. Somehow, this shift in position did seem to change the power within the room. He looked more like a doctor to you now as he scanned your file on the computer screen to the left of the desk. Doctor Yoo then nodded grimly. “These symptoms don’t sound pleasant.”

“I’ve had some preliminary testing done and-”

“The laryngoscopy results were inconclusive of either suspected vocal cord nodules or paralysis.”

“Hardly the latter, don’t you think? I can still talk and paralysis sounds…”

“Permanent?” the man offered and you nodded. He shook his head immediately. “It is a concern to treat any of these in someone who needs their voice for their career as some damage is hard to repair. But it’s not impossible to overcome with the right vocal therapy and treatment. Shall we get to business? So, you know, I can exercise my expertise and show you that being one of the younger doctors in this profession doesn’t make me incompetent.”

You bit back your flustered response, swallowing roughly before nodding. “That’s why I’m here, Doctor Yoo.”

It was a long two hours in and out of Doctor Yoo’s office. He did testing with you in person, asking for you to complete various exercises using your voice and throat, and then took you in to get some further images of your larynx. Not only was he thorough with his examination and took more time with his assessment than the last two doctors had, but you could also sense his superiority in skill. You appreciated him the longer you spent time in his company, able to tell just how dedicated he was to his patients and his skill.

You felt you were within very capable hands.

“So how was that?” Doctor Yoo mentioned when he had you seated back in front of his desk, a sly smile tainting his otherwise impeccable professionalism.

“I’ll express what I think when you’re done telling me the official results of the tests, Doctor.”

“Well, that seems fair.” He steepled his fingers together upon the tabletop of the desk and sighed. “It’s as I expected in beginning, you have a condition referred commonly to as Vocal Cord Paralysis.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“With the symptoms present and the way you performed through the examination, it was evident that you had-”

“Are you sure?” you interjected, panic rising within you. Admittedly you had hoped for a nodule, or two. Then you could simply undertake surgery and then vocal therapy and get back to work within a couple of months. You’d seen celebrities battle vocal nodules and their turn around from injury to comeback stage wasn’t that bad. You could hardly tell the difference in their vocal tone as well.

But this prognosis held greater risks. You didn’t need to be a doctor to know this. You had researched the condition, fooling yourself that despite the list of symptoms you weren’t in this category as it was usually a cause to an underlying medical condition. Aside from your vocal injury, you were in the best health you had been in years.

The doctor’s expression was unchanged. Resolute. You knew Doctor Yoo wouldn’t be telling you this unless it was the only outcome of his findings. Blinking back tears, you darted your focus towards his accomplishments, feeling insignificant within their presence.

“It’s not all bad news, Y/N. I know it’s not as simple as you no doubt imagined, but we can get through this together. For one, your condition is a mild case, which will respond well to treatment and heal faster than if it were more severe. I don’t think this is a cause of misuse of your vocal cords either.”

“What? But, that’s ridiculous. Why else would I be here? I’m a musical actress; my job is to perform every night for two months at a time. I’ve been yelling, singing and putting pressure on my vocal cords for a great deal lately and-”

“You were in a car accident earlier in the year, were you not?”

“Yes, though it was minor and I only suffered whiplash from it,” you stated, the doctor now tapping in further notes. “Surely that wouldn’t cause this kind of damage.”

“One of your vocal cords isn’t opening and closing as it should. We typically see this condition in patients with some sense of trauma to the area. And whilst I know firsthand the type of demand on your vocal cords you would have every day in your profession, I don’t think it’s entirely your fault.”

It was overwhelming to hear this. You had spent the last few weeks with the rapid decline in your ability to even speak clearly blaming yourself for everything. Could it have been more out of your control than you had thought? Glancing up at the doctor waiting on you to process his words, he smiled.

“Either way, we know what is wrong with your vocal cords and I’m certain we will have you back to singing again, Y/N.”

“But not within the next couple of months.”

He nodded softly. “A fair bit longer. But I promise, my time with you will be worth it.”

Doctor Yoo hadn’t been wrong. The second test results confirmed his diagnosis and after some bulk injections to strengthen your vocal cords, you started vocal therapy with the doctor. You would mostly meet with him in his private clinic away from the hospital and you happened to like this space much better. It was still professional, but not as intimidating as his office in the hospital.

You also loosened off a little within these sessions.

“You once said to me that you knew firsthand what vocal cord troubles felt like.”

The man before you demonstrating the next exercise soon chuckled. “Memory skills are not lacking with you.”

“Of course not, I have to remember my lines as if they’re embedded into my very soul. I could recite my first musical role to you if I had to.”

“Impressive,” he replied and motioned for you to start the breathing exercise. “I used to sing.”

“Used to?”

“Focus on your exercise,” he warned, checking the air filling your diaphragm. Satisfied you were stable, Doctor Yoo continued. “When I was a teen I actually belonged to a musical theatre club too. I was stupid and dumb about my talent and got vocal nodules. Most people recover from this condition but for me, I was so used to belting out my notes that I could never reach the range I was known for again.”

“You were a theatre kid?” Blinking in confusion, you peered at your doctor more closely. “Did we ever cross paths?”

He smiled to himself knowingly. “I guess you could say that.”

“Where?”

“Next exercise,” Doctor Yoo instructed and left you puzzled until the very end of the session.

Of course, you went straight online to research the doctor. You knew his first name was Kihyun, though little results appeared outside of his already rather detailed medical career.

At your next appointment, you attempted to ask again, and he deflected your interest, seemingly enjoying being an enigma to you. It infuriated you but if there was one thing he wasn’t prepared for, was how diligent you were to find the answers to any problem you held within your heart or mind.

“You went to the same theatre program as I did, didn’t you?” you mentioned two weeks later, and the man smirked.

“Still trying to figure this out?”

“Well, you’re supplying very little information, Doctor Yoo.”

“Please, if you’re researching me this ardently, call me Kihyun. I’ve been on a first-name basis with you from the beginning; we should really level this out.”

You pursed your lips together and nodded. “Will you answer me?”

“Will you work very hard on strengthening your vocal cords today?” he shot back and you rolled your eyes.

“Isn’t that why I’m here?”

“I don’t know, sometimes I think you’re too interested in finishing your puzzle.”

“I knew you were tormenting me on purpose, Kihyun!”

He grinned, thrilled with the use of his first name. “Well, it’s been fun having you as my patient. Even better knowing that your memory skills fail you somewhat.”

“Excuse me?!” you exclaimed and then stopped, glaring at the smug doctor as you dealt the strain on your larynx. “Did you not praise my skills recently?”

“Oh yes, but they’re still lacking. Until you fix them, I don’t know if I should give you the answers you want.”

“You’re infuriating!”

“Now now, the doctor knows best and I think it’s more important we focus on this week’s session, don’t you?”

It shouldn’t have bothered you as much as it did, but Kihyun’s lack of answer drove you insane. You were more than convinced the doctor was simply messing with you, but it had gotten to extreme measures and now before you were all the yearbooks from your theatre school days. You started at the latest editions, looking through the clearer memories since you were older in age then. However, it wasn’t until you reached your fifteenth-year-old self that you realised just how much you had forgotten.

There, next to you, in your first lead role in a Romeo and Juliet musical, was a guy with longer hair than he sported now, reminding you of a whole lot more than just the musical theatre life.

How had you forgotten Yoo Kihyun like this?!

Embarrassment flamed your skin as the annoyance seeped throughout you. Of all the people, this child had grown up to be your doctor? You almost scoffed at how improbable this all seemed.

And then you remembered Kihyun’s sudden disappearance.

The reason he had departed from your world and turned to partying, and other teenage behaviours you had no interest in at the time, was because of his vocal nodules? Your heart panged with sadness that he had chosen that path instead of reaching out for help from you. Then again, you were prickly back then, even worse than now. Would you have been approachable for your co-star? You smiled sadly with the silver lining that Kihyun had grown up from his rebellious youth into someone as competent as he was.

You were more subdued at your next appointment because of your discovery, however.

Watching you carefully as you performed the exercise he asked for you to do without little complaint, Kihyun sighed. “You remember, don’t you?”

“How could I forget my first kiss?” you shot back and Kihyun grinned. “The prompt in the script was to pretend, not full-on kiss me as I lay there!”

“Is that why you forgot about me? Because you wanted to erase how your first kiss went? In all fairness, not a bad first kiss to have.”

“In front of a full house, with my parents there, no less?” you pointed out and Kihyun shrugged loosely. “I actually wasn’t that mad by it.”

“Then why did you-”

“Your disappearance. I guess when you gave up on theatre, after I got over my initial annoyance from having to work with your understudy for the remainder of the season, I must have stopped giving you space in my mind.”

“You knew where I was.”

“Partying, drinking, and doing god knows what else.”

“Suffering alone,” he concluded and your eyes softened when your gaze connected with his. Kihyun chuckled, though it wasn’t as connected as before. “Don’t pity me, Y/N. I got over it and realised I was being an idiot. I chose to become an Otolaryngologist to help others so they don’t lose their chance for something they want to keep in the future.”

“You can’t sing anymore?”

“Not powerfully. But I’ve improved. My interest is no longer there like before. I’d rather execute a medical surgery with no complications than worry about stressing out my falsetto too much.”

“I don’t know what I would do without being a musical actress,” you admitted and Kihyun nodded, patting your upper arm gently.

“The good news is, with how much you’re progressing, you won’t have to think about it.”

It had taken an entire year to make it back to standing on a practise stage. Even longer to be strong enough to sing as you once had. Your voice tired more easily, and whilst you wanted to headline your comeback stage, you knew it was more practical to take the second lead role.

Your vocal therapy ended eight months into your recovery, and you hadn’t seen Kihyun since. It felt strange to not visit his office anymore, and sometimes you found yourself standing in front of it, not realising you had driven there until you were parking your car and getting out.

So many times, you wished to go up to the eighth floor and visit the office again. Or book an appointment just for extra treatment. But you knew it was pointless. You had parted ways amicably, with the loose promise that Kihyun was looking forward to your return to the big stage.

Maybe that was why you had worked so hard to make sure when you returned that it was in your best possible condition ever.

“Are you nervous?”

Glancing at your manager standing in front of the promotional poster for this musical, Sun and Moon, you nodded. “More than I was to take my first Broadway stage.”

“Really?”

“Coming back from my vocal injury is a big deal. I’ve already been interviewed four times this week about it, remember,” you mentioned and Dot smiled.

“I’m sure you’ll remind them why you’re a formidable actress.”

“I just hope to make it to the end without making any noticeable vocal mistakes.”

You had made peace with yourself over the weeks of rehearsals that you couldn’t be perfect anymore. Your voice would lead the way, and you could only work with what it best offered you. Still, the interviews had made your nerves skyrocket, and you wrung your hands together in your lap as you stared back at your made-up complexion.

You would do well and that was all that mattered.

It wasn’t long into the first act that you completely relaxed into your role. Acting was now a second skin for you to slip into. You became one with your character and by the end of the performance, you had almost forgotten about the audience.

You were just having fun dancing, singing and acting on the big stage again.

The applause brought you back to reality, and as you lined up with your co-stars for the final curtain call, you felt yourself growing anxious again.

Was Kihyun really here?

Looking as best as you could past the flashing lights and up into the multiple rows of the full house, you searched the crowd for his familiar face. Your hopes dashed when you couldn’t find him anywhere, laughing a little at how much you had anticipated him being here for your first stage back.

After changing out of your final act’s outfit, you joined the rest of the cast out in the foyer to meet with those grateful of your performance tonight. You thanked several familiar patrons for their support and then turned when someone called your name, your eyes widening when you connected with the person.

He came. He was here.

Kihyun smiled brightly as he approached you, thrusting a large bouquet of flowers in your dazed direction. “Congratulations on your comeback, Y/N.”

Soul searching his expression, you shook your head; blinking even to make sure the doctor was still standing before you. Kihyun helped you out by shaking your stupor off. You let out a shaky breath. “You’re really here.”

“I told you I wouldn’t miss it. I mean, your recovery is down to my expertise. I had to see how my hard work paid off in person, didn’t I? You were exceptional.”

“Are you complimenting me or yourself right now?”

Kihyun chuckled. “There’s the Y/N I know well.”

“Do you really?” you shot back and Kihyun’s humour faded. “I don’t know if you know all about me yet.”

“How so-”

Your lips pressed to his quickly, your eyes snapping closed as you tried to shut out everyone else around you. This, this was why you had been searching for Kihyun all this time in your world. You hadn’t realised until seeing him again that your reconnection with him as his patient had led to a rise in feelings within you.

You knew now that back when he very first kissed you that you had liked him then as well.

When you pulled back, it was Kihyun’s turn to look stuck, his mouth still slightly ajar as he contemplated the impromptu kiss. Swallowing visibly and tucking his jaw back up, Kihyun cocked his head to the side. “Is that payback for me taking your first kiss without warning?”

“Maybe.”

“It’s not very professional of me to be locking lips with my patients, Y/N.”

“Ex-patient,” you corrected and Kihyun couldn’t hide his amused smile. You nodded with his previous comment, however. “You’re right. It’s not very professional of a musical actress to get involved with her ENT doctor either.”

“Ex-doctor,” he refuted, sharing a grin with you. “Right now, I’m off the clock so I’m not technically breaking any laws.”

“Is that so?”

“Mm,” he hummed, stepping closer to you and running his hand gently over the side of your neck. “Maybe you need more training.”

“I do?”

“Well, I haven’t heard just how well you can control those vocal cords of yours yet. I think maybe I should take you out for dinner and we’ll see if I can get a private performance later.”

“How bold of you to assume I wish to give you one,” you stated, though your heart was thudding in your chest with anticipation. “Haven’t I performed enough tonight for you?”

“Maybe you’ll get to hear what’s left of my falsetto too,” Kihyun enticed and you laughed, resting your head on his shoulder affectionately. He wrapped his arms around you as you smelt the flowers he had gifted you.

“You know, I have often wondered what you sound like now.”

“So I have your interest in another puzzle of mine?”

“I’m always interested in you, Doctor Yoo.”

“I thought we resolved this a long time ago,” he responded with a wicked smile, holding you close enough to kiss you again. “Call me Kihyun.”

_________________

Next: Hyungwon

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Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 7.1}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 4.6k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

Robin slumped down in her seat with a sigh and the oddly bittersweet feeling of melancholy mixed with excitement. Over the rim of her sunglasses, she observed how Jorien rolled her eyes at Cas, but helped her stow away her enormous bag in the overhead compartments nonetheless. It was still before noon, but the sun was already scorching Robin's skin as it flooded the compartment of the Hogwarts Express they had chosen to claim. The school year was over. Time to head back to London.

Minutes later, when the train slowly started moving and the two other girls finally sat down as well, Robin couldn't help feeling more excited than sad at last. Sure, leaving Hogwarts had always dimmed down her mood quite significantly, but this year it was a bit different. For one, she had intentionally chosen to take the train back to London together with her roommates. She also could've apparated back home, now that she had passed the class and gotten her license, but she had decided against it. Perhaps for nostalgic reasons, perhaps because of her constantly babbling but very much appreciated company. But most importantly –and therefore the real reason why she was more excited for the summer to start than dreading to part from her beloved castle– she actually had plans for the holidays for once. Plans which included two of her favorite things in the entire world; potions (in the broadest sense) and Snape. The latter obviously being more reason to her current excitement than the former, but ultimately she was very happy about both.

Really, she had been planning it for a while now. Robin wanted to continue her hunt for rare ingredients, or rather her studies thereof, and after the by now renown success she'd had last October, she had been quick to decide that she would spend the summer with the same kind of expeditions to confirm her theories. Obviously she wouldn't be able to work her way through the entire handbook, which she had kept on expanding and improving throughout the last year, but she would just start somewhere and work her way through as far as she got. Fortunately, from the very moment she had told Snape of her plans, he had been dead set on coming along, saying how it was far too dangerous to deal with some of the things she would necessarily have to encounter on her own, and after a while of teasing and prodding, he had also admitted that he simply wanted to do this together with her either way.

To Robin, the prospect of that, of their plans, was enough reason to keep smiling to herself from time to time, or really any time she thought of it. The only dimmer on her mood was that their adventures would only be able to start from next weekend on; before then, Snape was still stuck at Hogwarts for whatever boring thing Dumbledore had the professors do after the students had left, and Robin for her part had promised to wait until then. For his sake more than her own, and unfortunately, that left her with a week to spend with her parents. Lovely.

"Earth to Robin! What are you all smiley about?" Cas wondered loudly, snapping her fingers in front of Robin's face to get her attention.

"Oh, just excited about my plans for summer." She shrugged in return, yet again unable to stop grinning to herself. Damnit, she really was as subtle as a pink elephant.

"You actually have plans for once? After years of saying you literally don't care? Spill the tea, what's the story?" Jorien quirked an eyebrow at her in doubt and question, and Cas nodded in agreement to the objection.

"No story, I'm just excited, that's all."

"What's your plans then?"

"Proving my theories about different substances and ingredients, testing methods and means to find them, and improving all of it based on the results of practical research." Robin explained in one breath, and received two questioning looks in return. With a sigh and a smile she added, "I will travel around and look for plants and animals I can use for potions."

"Uuh, going on adventures! Why didn't you just say that!" Cas beamed in return, then went off into her own direction with it. "You should write a book about it! Or better, a comic! With moving pictures and all that kinda stuff! 'Robin the lone scientist'... How about that?"

"More like 'Robin the mad scientist'." Robin laughed in return, letting her head fall back against the seat for a moment until she could tone down her grin a little.

"Perhaps you should let us come with you! Then you certainly won't be alone anymore." Jorien mused carefully, more hopeful than intrusive, and Robin's eyes fell onto the two grinning girls again.

"I won't be alone at all, actually… My best friend is coming with me." She finally allowed herself to admit, and the words were already enough to make her skin tingle. Geez, she really shouldn't be this excited about it… but it didn't hurt anyone either.

"Oi, that mysterious guy you never lose more than a word about?" Cas' eyes lit up, and she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "Perhaps you will finally get that passionate romance I've been hoping for!"

"Speaking of which, have you made plans to visit Simon?" Robin inquired, brutally changing the topic before they would try to snoop any more.

"Unfortunately, my parents aren't too fond of the idea of me having a boyfriend." The blonde rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, falling back into her seat with a huff. The grandeur of the gesture made Robin want to snort, but she suppressed it for empathy's sake. "So I probably won't see him at all until summer's over. I hope he doesn't find someone better than me in the meantime!"

"You can always write letters to him." Robin suggested with a shrug. "The anticipation and delay in that can be quite exciting as well. Carefully chosen words, the time taken to share a piece of one's mind with the other, the reassuring physicality of someone's handwriting on parchment…"

"You're terribly romantic, you know that?"

"Don't tell anyone." Robin replied, rising her eyebrows at them with a small smirk. "I have a reputation to uphold."

… … …

The one good thing once they arrived back in London, after Cas and Jorien had found their parents who had come to pick them up like always, was that Robin didn't have to deal with her trunk anymore. With a swoop of her wand, it shrunk down to a miniature and disappeared in the depth of her backpack. Thank God she was finally over seventeen… had been for a while now, actually. The summer would be so much more enjoyable now that she could use magic outside of school.

Instead of taking the first train back to Oxford like she usually did, Robin spent some time strolling around London. After all, she could be at home in a blink now whenever she fancied to be, and she didn't have luggage other than her backpack either. When she eventually sat down in a small cafe with a book Cas had practically forced upon her (not without making Robin actually promise to read it over summer), she couldn't help wondering what Snape might be up to right now. It was around this time when they would usually have pre-dinner coffee, or take a walk around the grounds, or set up for that evening's work in advance… oh bloody hell, she missed him already. But in the light of the impending week with her family, she also found herself missing Jorien and Cas. Anyone was better company than the people who were (probably not even) waiting for her in Oxford. For a moment, she wondered if they would care if she didn't come home today. If they would even notice.

Sighing, Robin ordered the largest coffee on the menu and then went to distract herself from the inevitable necessity to go home by reading Cas' book for now. It was the kind of read Robin wouldn't pick up even with her eyes closed; a cheesy romance novel about a girl around the same age as her, who slowly discovered the 'wonders' of love and physical intimacy in a plot that otherwise didn't even fit the romance. Robin couldn't help rolling her eyes every other page, but she had promised Cas that she would read it, and thus she had to suffer through all the drama and badly phrased make-out sessions now. Why on earth was this Cas' favorite book?! Admittedly, the girl deemed fashion magazines the high art of literature, but this… ugh. Sometimes Robin wished she didn't take her promises quite so seriously.

When her coffee was empty and a good third of the dreadful book behind her (which at some point had gotten a little less dreadful… not that she would ever admit that to anyone), she decided that it was late enough to make her way home at last. If she didn't want to sleep in the gutter, there was little else she could do. Well, technically she could camp out somewhere up north… she had everything she needed in her backpack… but some stupid part of her mind wanted to give her parents another chance to care. Some sparks of pathetic hope had crept through the cracks in her walls once again, even if she knew that she would only be disappointed again. It couldn't be helped either way. After paying for her coffee, she sought out the first space away from prying eyes, and finally went home in a swirl of time and space.

… … …

It had been three days, and Robin was already going insane. During her absence, her parents' house had turned into an outpost of the local university, or so it seemed. Not only had her bedroom been unrecognizable and all her things were packed up in boxes in the basement upon her arrival, but there simply were too many people around her on a constant basis, and no possibility to hide; Robin's parents, the three American scientists currently living with them, and usually two to five other people working on the same project even after hours. Begrudgingly Robin had accepted that she no longer had her own room in this house, and even that she had to live out of cardboard boxes for the moment… But the five other people living in this house with her currently were just too much.

The moment she'd come home on Monday evening she had noticed two things right away: One, her parents hadn't expected that she would actually want to sleep on the couch for more than a night. Two, the people from the States were assholes, to stick with their language. Well, two of the three, at least. A married couple who had moved into her old bedroom, and honestly, they could be summarized as mainly three things: religious, respectless and rude. Right on the first evening, they hadn't hesitated to make not so subtle but very much mocking comments about Robin 'attending a boarding school for special children', as her parents seemed to have explained the situation to them. Then they had gone on to comment on her 'disorderly choice of clothing', which they deemed entirely unsuitable for a young lady of any respectable family. Them finding out that Robin, in fact, didn't pray before meals (nor at any other time really), and also had absolutely no intention to, had resulted in a lengthy speech about the importance of God's guidance for a young lady (that term again…), especially when she was constantly tempted by vicious males around her. (They had also found it outrageous that the school she attended wasn't just for girls!) At that point, Robin had regretted ever coming back to this place, ever allowing herself to hope that it might not be completely awful. That had been three hours after her arrival.

Three days later, she was going insane for real. The only good thing was that every one of them was gone throughout most of the day, which allowed her to take a break from the constant orders and remarks given to her by four people by now, none of which actually had the right to do so. Honestly, she didn't know why she didn't just leave. Pack up the boxes in the basement and find some other place to live, where she wouldn't be either entirely ignored to the point of feeling invisible or pestered with disdainful comments. And now, four days into this mess, she made the decision that she would have to adapt her plans if she wanted to survive this summer.

"I'll be leaving tomorrow. I'm going to travel the country with a friend until the end of summer." She declared out of the blue, during dinner on Friday evening, after being silent for over three hours. Originally she had planned to take day trips with Snape, and come back here in the evenings to spend the days in between excursions at her parents' house. But now she just wanted to have a decent enough reason to leave and stay gone for as long as possible. Perhaps forever.

"That's amazing, sweetie! I'm glad to hear you have plans." Her mom was the first to reply, smiling in what looked like sincere relief upon the prospect of having her daughter out of the picture at last.

The conflict growing between the American couple and Robin hadn't passed by her parents unnoticed, indeed they were as well aware of it as everyone else, but they had always made an effort not to get involved, always avoiding to possibly upset their guests, even when they had clearly crossed a line. To Robin, they had thereby picked their side, and it had never been hers.

"Traveling the country… Spending your parents' hard earned money, eh?" The scarecrow on the other side of the table scoffed in a too high pitched voice, and Robin had to make a conscious effort to keep her facade of perfect neutrality plastered onto her face. "If I was your mother, I would see to it that you find yourself a job and get working as soon as possible!"

"We offered to pay for her expenses, should she wish to spend the summer elsewhere, because we had to clear out her room for you." Robin's dad explained almost apologetically. "But it might as well be a belated gift for… two birthdays and two Christmases, I believe."

"Never coming home and then expecting to be paid for nonetheless…" The scarecrow made a face at Robin as she let out a scoff. "Children, they're all the same no matter where you are in the world. I know why I never wanted any."

Robin's jaw clenched for but a second, the only tell of her true emotions, but then she calmly went back to cutting her chicken into neat pieces of exactly the same size as she had previously cut her vegetables and potatoes as well. "I won't need any of your money, thank you for the offer nonetheless. I believe it would be best for everyone if I was… financially independent as soon as possible. I'm an adult, so I might as well pay for myself."

"Oh, you're one of those types." Scarecrow's husband mused in an unsuccessful attempt at subtle distaste. "Traveling around like a gypsy, always deep in someone's pocket for a dollar… The youth these days just doesn't know what work is anymore."

"Actually, I work hard and earn my money like everyone else does." Robin replied coldly, not even honouring the man with a glance. It was a very twisted version of the truth she was presenting here, but it would have to do. "Just because I attend a school quite far away from the larger cities doesn't mean there is no opportunity to make a living on the side."

"Yes, and we all know how pretty young girls can make a living the easiest way, don't we?" Scarecrow scoffed, and the entire table fell silent for a moment. Nobody dared to speak, and all eyes eventually sought out Robin, who in return was desperately glad for her years of practice in looking entirely indifferent. On the inside however, her mind was raging. How dared this woman to make such accusations, or even hint at something like that?! A small part of Robin wondered what would happen if she simply cursed everyone in the room, and took their memories of it afterwards. But instead, she settled for merely being silent and clinging onto the thought that she would be gone tomorrow.

"Do you by any chance work in a kitchen?" The third American, the only decent human being in the room and the only person Robin wasn't currently mad at, asked and thereby broke the uncomfortable silence. "Because I couldn't help noticing how adept you are at cooking. The dinner you made last night was amazing, and I've never seen someone so skilled with a knife."

"Thank you." Robin offered him a small smile, and inwardly thanked him for saving her from the ridiculous situation like that. "I really do sort of work in a kitchen, actually. For the past few years I have been trained quite a bit in addition to the normal school curriculum, to properly select and prepare ingredients for example, but by now, I actually get to make entire recipes by myself." Again, not a lie. Cooking and potion making were quite similar in a lot of ways, and she would shamelessly take advantage of that now.

"I didn't know you were training to become a chef." Robin's dad frowned at her, then shrugged and continued eating at last. "But I'm glad to hear that you are looking into a serious and decently paying career path. Not that… odd stuff they teach you at school."

"So, who's the friend you're going to be traveling with?" Her mom asked, changing the topic and the tension that had been hanging in the hair was resolved as the others continued with their meals as well.

"You wouldn't know him; someone I know from school." Was all Robin replied, but perhaps she should've thought better of it.

"A boy?! Excuse me, but I just have to intervene here again, entirely for your own good…" The scarecrow was quick to respond, and Robin cringed at every single part of the vile woman's sentence. "Just imagine how that might look to some people! A girl and a boy, traveling the country together all by themselves… Do you truly want to have such a poor reputation?! Just think about the disgrace it would be for your parents! Or for your future husband! People might assume you were dishonored!"

If that woman knew that Robin was going to travel with Snape, a man who was eleven years older than her and who used to be her professor until a week ago, she surely would combust in outrage, or faint in shock. Robin had to suppress a snort at the thought, and the idea of telling her suddenly became very tempting. But she wouldn't, as that would surely only end to her own disadvantage. After all, it would put reality into even more of a false light… they were still going to part ways in the evenings to meet up again on another day. Either way, Robin had quite enough of the woman sitting across from her at this point.

"Bold of you to assume that I have any honour left for him to take in the first place." She said nonchalantly, in perfect indifference, and while four jaws dropped just like intended, the nice American scientist merely let out a snort. At least one person understood the joke inherent in this bloody situation… Still, this probably hadn't been the smartest thing to say if she ever wanted them to stop bothering her, but as it seemed, her reputation among them had been ruined long before she had arrived here in the first place. And it was the truth after all; at almost eighteen, it wasn't unlikely that she would have a lot more experience than she actually did. It wasn't her fault that a hug was the only form of physical intimacy she'd ever lived to share with anyone… even Cas had more experience than that, and she was only fourteen! Not that this bothered Robin in any way… it was just a fact, and she might as well use it to her advantage at this point.

Dinner continued quietly from then on, and while the silence seemed to be uncomfortable for everyone else, Robin actually found herself feeling more at ease than she had all evening. When willingly allowing yourself to sink quite so low in someone's eyes, even if based on false information and half truths, the result for your own self was quite liberating. No reputation to uphold, no need to impress, nothing to justify. Honestly, she just should've done this from the start. But then again, she had still wanted her parents to pay for her travels at that point. Still had hoped that the boxes in the basement would be unpacked again eventually, once the esteemed guests were gone. Now however, the idea of cutting herself off from her parents entirely had a shocking appeal to it, and she couldn't quite bring herself to step back from it again. Didn't even want to. No, she still had some Christmas money left that she had saved over the years, and from there on she could find some sort of work to make ends meet. Tomorrow morning, she would take the boxes in the basement with her and leave for good.

… … …

If there had been any doubt left in her mind by Friday night if she actually should go through with it, it was blown away Saturday morning when the only thing saying goodbye to her was a note on the kitchen counter that told her to put the rubbish out before she left. Thus she spent the early hours of the day gathering everything that was hers and storing it away in her backpack, while also taking some minor things that surely wouldn't be missed around here. An old record player and a few of her favorite records (both which weren't used anymore), that chipped mug she had been using when she was here for as long as she could remember, but also a photo album that only had the first five pages filled with pictures of her as a baby and toddler. If this was all that would be left of her childhood other than her own memories, she wanted to be the one to have it. She added in a picture of her parents that had been in one of their own albums, then hid the entire thing very deep down in her bag, in a box of things she wanted to keep but still forget about.

When finally she shouldered her bag to leave, she didn't even feel sad. Only bitter and, in a way, deeply hurt that it had come this far. Perhaps it had been her fault, partially at least. Perhaps it had been inevitable. But if the last five days had proven anything, it was that they would be better off going separate ways from here on. Maybe one day, if by that time they still remembered that they'd had a daughter once, she would come back to visit them.

… … …

Half an hour later Robin sat high up on the cliff on the Scottish east coast where their first adventure had started last year, legs dangling over the edge against the stone wall that dropped down way too far, as she waited for Snape to show up. They would have to meet somewhere after all, and this place had seemed like a good idea. Both of them had been here before, it was practically deserted, and thus it was easy to find each other.

The wind whipping around her cleared some of the bitterness the morning had left, dried some silent tears, and it was a reminder of the bigger picture, a reassurance that her problems weren't the end of the world. As dark as things might seem, the planet was still spinning and the only way to move was forward. She took a deep breath, and when the sun broke through the clouds at last, she put on her sunglasses and let it warm her face for once.

"You're early… A bit excited, are we?" Snape remarked the very moment Robin heard him arriving somewhere behind her, and even just the sound of his voice made her smile in an instant.

"So are you, in case you haven't noticed." She replied, leaning back on her hands to look up at him upside down when he came to stand behind her. Surprisingly enough, he was clad in ordinary black bottoms and a simple long sleeved shirt of the same colour. "I think I've never seen you in anything other than those robes you always wear at school…"

"Yes, well, our last… expedition has proven my usual choice of clothing to be rather unsuitable for the occasion." He mused, and finally sat down next to Robin so closely that their shoulders almost touched. "That, and muggles tend to be irritated when one wears robes around them. Since we haven't decided where today will take us, I thought it best to be prepared."

"Clever. As always." Robin smirked, and he rolled his eyes at her using his own expression on him, which she however didn't mind one bit. "How was your week?"

"Dreadful. Yours?"

"Even worse."

"Good."

"Hey!" Robin protested with a laugh, then with a grin she just couldn't fight. "What's good about me being worse than dreadful for a week?"

"It means that no matter if we succeed in our goals today or not, it will still be a better day for you than the last few were."

"Of course it will be better! An infinite number of times better even! Spending time with you is better than anything, you dunderhead."

"Call me that one more time and I will shove you off the cliff."

"Shove me off the cliff and I'll pull you down with me."

"I expect nothing less. That is what I'm here for, after all." He stated with an expression that was too serious looking to actually be serious at all. The not-smirk was an even better tell of that.

"You're here to jump off a cliff?" Robin quirked an eyebrow at him with a teasing smirk.

"I'm here to make sure you aren't alone when you do."

"So if I jump, you will too?"

"I would rather keep either of us from doing something ridiculously stupid as that, but generally, yes." He said, and the fact that he actually seemed to mean every word of that sent a wave of electric sparkles all through Robin's body and mind. She couldn't even put into words how much she adored him for that, and how infinitely glad she was to have him with her. If this was what being his friend was like, she couldn't even imagine how it would be to be more than that. Then again, she shouldn't imagine it in the first place. They were friends. Best friends, but only friends. That had to be enough.

"Good to know." She finally replied, allowing herself to smile at least, so very brightly that he almost had to smile in return. "So… what theory are we looking into today?"

"Get out that handbook of yours and we shall see."

______________________________

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[tea-at-221]

So, let's delve a bit into the Spanish dub of Supernatural.

I'm going to go through a lot of terms here, and a lot of basics, in order to increase people's level of understanding as to how the dub may possibly have come about the way it did.

This post will provide information and, I hope, allow some members of the fandom to move forward with their own theories with more reassurance. Information is power. I will define and clarify industry terms to the best of my novice ability to make it easier for others who wish to do their own research.

This post was inspired by the fact that I've been part of multiple fandoms in which queerbaiting has played an enormous part: I am tired of seeing fandom friends left devastated and without answers, no emotional resolution in sight. So this post is, in spirit if not content, largely dedicated to my fellow Johnlockers and Queliot shippers. And most of all, for Quentin Coldwater, who deserved not just better but the very best.

Disclaimer: This is my own research and there is a bit of speculation involved; I can't guarantee 100% that I will get everything right (I hit some very frustrating walls looking up what should be easy-to-find facts), but I did a *lot* of work for this. Other people will doubtless be able to clarify points/give better specifics/correct what I've gotten wrong. I am not promising a concrete answer to “SPN gate” here, as without more information than we currently have that is impossible to declare with certainty.

More under the cut.

All that having been said, onwards (see end for sources):

First, who airs the Spanish dub of Supernatural?

Answer: the Warner Channel.

Why? It goes back to who owns The CW.

From Wikipedia (2): "The CW Network, LLC, a limited liability joint venture between the CBS Entertainment Group unit of ViacomCBS; and the Studios and Networks division of AT&T's WarnerMedia, the parent company of Warner Bros., former majority owner of The WB. The network's name is an abbreviation derived from the first letters of the names of its two parent corporations (CBS and Warner Media)."

Warner Bros apparently is the side that handles the delegation of dubbing to outside studios. So, who does Warner use for their dubbing? Perhaps multiple studios, but the two I found in the course of my research were SPGStudios(5) (who specifically handle localization for Latin American Spanish productions) and Iyuno Media Group (formerly BTI Studios)(3).

What is localization?

Simply put, it refers to the translation of the home language of the show in question to the language of the new market it's entering. So, Supernatural 15x18 is translated from its native English to Spanish for Latin American viewers.

And what exactly *is* dubbing (actually called revoicing within the industry; dubbing is a widely-recognized term, however, and it's pretty well understood what is meant by it)?

Here is the Merriam-Webster definition:

"1 : to add (sound effects or new dialogue) to a film or to a radio or television production —usually used with "in"

They dubbed in the music.

2 : to provide (a motion-picture film) with a new soundtrack and especially dialogue in a different language

The film was dubbed in French and Spanish.

3 : to make a new recording of (sound or videotape already recorded) also : to mix (recorded sound or videotape from different sources) into a single recording"

There is a slang term, "dubby," which refers to any overdub that is comically jarring and obviously a dub. The history of dubbing has been such that this has become a way to think of and recognize it: by how awful and ineffective it used to be when it came to foreign films sloppily overlaid with English dubbing.

However, we are in the midst of an age of networks and companies scrambling to play catch-up, eager to use modern technology to create more effective, convincing dubs. In short, they see the moneymaking potential of presenting finished works that viewers may not even realize *are* dubbed without careful inspection. It's true that a good dub is about 10x more costly than subtitling, but it's hard to satisfy the viewer's desire for escapism if they can't suspend disbelief because they're busy reading.

The truth of that is reflected in internal statistics Netflix (for instance, but not just them) parses to gauge viewer interaction and retention with their various shows: when comparing subtitled vs. dubbed shows, it's easy to see which is the winner.(1)

So to be sure there is no nefarious intent here, we would need to be able to identify the following:

A.) What exactly was the process for this dub?

B.) Who decides what changes to make during a dubbing process?

C.) Who approves those changes?

*Can* there be such a thing as a "rogue translator," as Misha Collins put it? (I am going to clarify here that I think Misha is an upstanding person who believed the best of the show he was involved in and all the people who made it, so his assumption of a rogue translator makes sense in the context of that emotion-based reasoning).

I'm not sure which studio did the dub for the Latin American Spanish version of Supernatural; if I had access to that episode perhaps it's mentioned in the credits. You'd think that would be simple enough to figure out anyway, but I was unable. So maybe someone can take a look and let me know. But, as an example, here is how SPGStudios outlines their localization (dubbing) process:

1.) They make a digital or analog transcription of a show/movie.

2.) The translation, or localization, is done by their staff (in any of 40 available languages their staff can speak). When translating, they translate for meaning and then adapt for time, tempo, and style. They say that "extensive experience is required to capture the essence of the language dialog while accounting for variances in speaking time between the source and destination languages." i.e.,  wording/word choice will be kept as true as possible to the original intention of the native language, but at the same time the translation will need to use its chosen wording in a way that fits what is being shown on-screen. To produce a convincing/pleasing dub, they won't replace a word like "looked" with a longer phrase like "scanned the horizon" because it's not going to match what's onscreen. That would be venturing into "dubby" territory.

3.) They perform the ADR process: the voice actors (in this case it would normally be Guillermo Rojas performing for Dean Winchester, though it appears things may have been different in 15x18, possibly due to covid) record the new dialogue to replace the original actor's performance.

4.) The newly recorded dialogue goes to the sound editorial department "to ensure that lip-synch is optimized and technical aspects of the vocal performance match the original."

5.) All of the new audio--including dialogue, music, and sound effects--is mixed together to emulate the quality of the original production as closely as possible despite the changes in rhythm that resulted from the dialog having been translated.

6.) Designers, animators, and VFX editors assist with the localization or enhancement of graphics, if needed.

7.) Localized Master: SPG has a 'traffic team' who 'ensures that all client delivery and storage specifications are met, including file formatting, labeling, and uploading." So in other words, the files are heavily encrypted (or that's how I read this).

Presumably, after all steps are performed, SPGStudios transfers the show back to Warner, who then distributes it. The other studio, Iyuno, makes it very clear that *they* can coordinate and handle all distribution themselves to a vast number of networks. That means that if the client desires, Iyuno can send the finished product directly out into the world.

There seem to be two types of scripts that can be given to the dubbing company:

1.) "In-Production Dubbing indicates that dubbing production is active in tandem with post production. In-Production Dubbing fulfillment partners should expect potential changes to source materials."(4)

2.) "Final Asset Dubbing indicates that dubbing production takes place after final delivery of the show. All source assets will be in a final state. The dubbing fulfillment partner should not expect any changes to the source materials."(4)

Without knowing which of these was agreed upon for SPN 15x18, it is very hard to say exactly where or if additional edits may have been performed on the original material that weren't performed on the translated material (in other words, earlier draft).

If the studio was given the episode as an In-Production Dubbing project, this could explain why the title of the Spanish translation reflected the original script title, "The Truth," rather than the final title in English, "Despair".

Assuming this difference was unintentional, rather than a calculated marketing ploy re: audience enticement (which seems admittedly unlikely), then yes, it could indicate a screw-up on someone's part. The question is, was the dub company given the task of generating the title card, or did some other graphics department handle that before the project made it to them? If the latter is the case, the choice to add "Me too" instead of "Don't do this, Cas" could be either a conscious choice on the dub studio's part as sort of a nod to what they thought "the truth" was, or could just be them going with what they were given and making their translation choices based on something else, such as rhythm/timing.

SO, could there have been an original script that had Dean say "me too" in response to Cas, which then went through translation and made it out into the world? Teeechnically yes, but one would assume that the original script and original *footage* would have to have arrived at the dub studio together if the script is being transcribed in-house as SPGSTudios outlines in their process. I'm going to reason that the odds of them using a later edit of the visual--one that contained what in this instance we would be assuming was Warner's preferred dialogue ("Don't do this, Cas") yet choosing to stick with their own audio revoicing of the (supposed) original script/visual's "Me too, Cas" with its now subsequently poor timing, seems unlikely.

So either they would likely have to redo the exact same "Me too" audio again (having made the choice to keep the original dialogue, while also having to work under pandemic restrictions re: travel and talent availability) to make everything match the visual footage time-wise, OR, it was simply a matter that the English scene always was just as we saw it, but that the studio chose to interpret the script the way they did and were able to do their timing the first time around to match accordingly.

This still leaves a question in the air regarding the origin and fate of certain clips of Dean's more visually emotive reaction to Castiel's confession that have been floating around the internet. I've only seen very very brief glimpses of them, myself, and I'm not certain that they're really evidence of anything other than more than one take having been done of that scene, which wouldn't be uncommon and doesn't necessarily point to a conspiracy.

I also want to state that in the wake of 15x18, I opted to protect my mental health rather than follow every development/rumor/speculation that cropped up in the aftermath, so there’s probably a lot that I’m leaving out of this post that may be pertinent. Do me a favor and do assume that I know nothing of it. lol

I will also add this about the other studio, Iyuno: they are very careful to state on their site, repeatedly and with great pride, that they are committed to presenting the world with the smoothest, most true-to-the-original localized version of a film or show possible. Quote: "...our entire team of staff wants nothing more than to make every single one of our partner's content feel as if it were never translated." They are not fucking around. They want to please the client. Would they have done something like the translation in question without any direct go-ahead from Warner? It seems unlikely, though they don't outline their process on their site the way SPG does.

Notice that in the SPGStudios process outlined above, there is no mention made of a review step in which the studio presents the translated dialogue to the client for approval re: the new wording. That doesn't mean there isn't a review step; however, without seeing the contractual agreement that was made between Warner and whatever dub studio they used, or knowing Warner's preferred process by some other means, it's difficult to be certain whether or not there was a review process for the translated script. I did find evidence that Netflix reserves the right to review such translated scripts before air.

Speaking of Netflix, I will include here what their translation requirements are, as I did find those. They, like Warner, also use Iyuno Media Group much of the time for dubbing (voiceover style dubbing in which they apparently like to leave the original language audible underneath, so that's slightly different from revoicing, but I'm working on an assumption that the general expectations are the same for both):(4)

"1. Translation Requirements

1.1 Main Dialogue

   All main dialogue in the source (original) language should be translated unless specifically noted.

   Due to timing limitations, some of the dialogue may be condensed/truncated as long as it retains all essential elements of the plot.

   Please refrain from dubbing redundant words such as character names and repetitions.

       Additionally, do not recreate laughs, hesitations, reaction noises, etc."

I'm looking at that bit: "Due to timing limitations, some of the dialogue may be condensed/truncated as long as it retains all essential elements of the plot."

So let's say just for argument's sake that this is pretty standard language provided to the dubbing studios. Netflix is a giant, so I'll proceed with that assumption given the lack of more concrete information:

Does it really change essential elements of the remaining plot to have Dean return Castiel's declaration of love? Forgetting about the outside, emotional ripple effect such a declaration was bound to set off in the viewing audience, no. The two characters have no further scenes together, nor does Dean go on in the next episode to immediately embark on a new relationship, or tell anyone that Cas said he was in love with him but he couldn't return it because he didn't feel the same. So technically, no rule was broken. And that is what it comes down to, if you're thinking like a lawyer reading a contract: specifics, not theoretical implications or consequences.

So, possibly what we have is something that was simple to add and easy to get away with/argue for: translated dialog that fit a dub better due to its length, and didn't actually change anything plot-wise (or at least, the argument for that could easily be made). This points to the painful crux of the matter: why would the Spanish version of Supernatural which aired in Latin America allow Dean Winchester to return Castiel's declaration of love with a "Me too, Cas"? Could it *really* be as insulting as the fact that "Yo a ti, Cas" would be a quicker, smoother dub than "No hagas esto, Cas"? ("Don't do this, Cas" in English.) Or did they see something they could get away with, and a reasonable argument to provide for it, so they went ahead and claimed a small LGBT+ victory?

Is someone, somewhere, getting in trouble for all this? Maybe. But could action be taken against them? That would look pretty bad, public-relations-wise, for the party expressing condemnation if that got out. Could Iyuno, or whatever other studio (again, I don't actually know which one handled the dub) theoretically feel a ripple effect from the fallout of this? Could they quietly suffer a drop in acquisitions/revenue for "reasons unclear"? Sure. That sort of thing happens all the time, so theoretically yeah.

Whatever the reasoning behind the decision to have Dean return Cas' declaration of love, surely they didn't have to do it. Surely they could have chosen some other phrase that fit. But they chose to do exactly what they did. I don't know what went down, in the end, or whether censorship was indeed involved, but I will certainly say that I think it was a brave and admirable choice that was made with the Spanish dub. It doesn't undo the "bury your gays" trope of course, but for some LGBT+ audience members it surely provides a sense of validation and maybe even lends a little hope for better representation--which is long, long overdue.

Thanks if you read this far. I hope that even though it’s not perfect it will be helpful in some way.

Sources

(1) https://www.indiewire.com/2020/02/subtitles-vs-dubbing-what-you-need-to-know-1202212800/amp

(2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_CW

(3) https://www.iyunomg.com/

(4) https://partnerhelp.netflixstudios.com/hc/en-us/articles/115016062708-Dubbed-Audio-Style-Guide-VO-Style-Dubbing

(5) https://www.spgstudios.com/localization