#(I'm a rereader by nature BUT that's beside the point)

[randomfoggytiger]

@thursdayinspace, you wanted multi-chapter fluff; and I tried to deliver! >:DDD

Picking up from Part 5 of @tatooedlaura-blog/tatooedlaura/Laura Sprys's Our Moments series, Scully's medical decline pushes her and Mulder past their pretense, comfortably crossing boundaries and spending precious moments basking in each other's company: sharing a bed, shopping for groceries, cooking a meal, and spinning sweet, sweet banter.

And, of course, after her remission they go for round two.

Shadowed Grey Eyes

“I’d like to drive through Ireland.... We’d look for leprechauns and rainbows... and never come home.”

“Would you find a nice Irish girl to settle down with? Have eight or nine kids?”

Kissing the back of her head, “I’ve found a nice Irish girl already and I don’t need kids, just her.”

“What if I find a nice man in a kilt?”

“That’s Scotland.”

“Sorry. I think I’m almost asleep. Would you wear a kilt if I asked you to?”

The Warmest Thing I Own

 He felt her and opened his eyes, finding the room grey but light, “what time is it?”

Her voice scratched out an, ‘I don’t care’ before burying her head back in the pillow.

“Are we not caring today? ‘Cause I can get behind not caring today.” Reaching out to poke her side, “how are you feeling?”

Rolling in his direction, she gave him a smile that could have lit the city had she come with plug and adaptor, “I actually feel okay. I don’t think I’ve slept like that in weeks.”

Fancy Paper Napkins

Finally in the kitchen, he opened the crockpot, stirred with the big spoon, and glad to see the mushrooms soft and unburned, offered Scully a taste. Refusing with an, ‘I’d like to wait for dinner,’ he nodded towards the fridge, “go grab the steak, would you?”

They ate like civilized people, at the kitchen table, forks, knives, fancy paper napkins …

End of the Road

His mind was open and slow, filters off, walls down, and in that very moment, the only thing he had left in the world to say was “I love you.”

Post Moments

You sat through a steak, my famous garlic mushrooms, six tubs of ice cream, and all those M&Ms I kept feeding you and you couldn’t taste a thing? The amount of money I could have saved during those months I tempted you with anything I could find while, really, it all tasted like sawdust...."

“I got …” being generous for his sake, “hints of flavor.”

Hope you enjoy~

[zombie-bait]

Omg i just realized I have something tiny to add to the whole James Somerton debacle. I'm currently watching the hbombguy vid (as you do when procrastinating assignments) and I remembered something that stood out to me in James' old videos.

So I used to be a fan of his stuff. I am also a fan of Hannibal and IWTV. He made a video covering both so naturally I was very hyped. It was called 'The Gay Appeal of Toxic Love.' The vid itself was fine (I don't remember having any super strong opinions of it besides being excited to hear ppl mention Interview cuz I had recently become obsessed) but one thing did stand out to me. In the IWTV section he mentions Nicki and, naturally, his death:

"After becoming a vampire, Nicky becomes nearly catatonic, and eventually slips away from Lestat entirely. And after centuries of dealing with depression and severe mental illness, Nicky kills himself."

(sourced from this transcript: https://github.com/TerraJRiley/James_Somerton_Transcripts/blob/main/Transcripts/The%20Gay%20Appeal%20of%20Toxic%20Love.txt)

To anyone who's read TVL, I don't think I need to explain that Nicki had not, in fact, been around for centuries. "Nicki had lived to be 30" has been rattling around in my head since I first read it.

And like, obviously I don't expect every youtube essayist to read several long-ish novels to have a full grasp of the series' deep lore, especially when the focus was largely on IWTV and Loustat rather than the entire Vampire Chronicles. Still, it makes you wonder a bit about the quality of the research being done here. You can find the proper info in like, 5 seconds by just going on the fan wiki so I'm not sure what his sources were. And that's the issue at hand, isn't it?

At the time I felt a tiny bit smug recognizing the error but in light of everything that's been revealed, it's kind of telling. I'm not saying this part was plagiarized (I haven't found anything but others on reddit have found issues with different sections of the same video) but rereading the transcript it comes off as someone who clearly doesn't know much about Interview.... It feels like he's reading through a loose summary of plot points rather than analyzing a piece of media that actually means anything to him. It's very much Interview for people who don't know Interview which, one could argue is fair. Especially beyond book one, VC is a niche series and a lot of elements that are important to certain characters or plot lines cannot be summarized quickly for an audience unfamiliar with it. A good writer, who's done a lot of research about the specific topic they have chosen to make a video on, would be able to balance this. There is a LOT to analyze about queerness in VC and its a shame to see one of the more popular queer media channels half-assing it just to churn out videos heavily made up of other people's work. In retrospect he had several videos like that, where he would discuss things like manga/manhua communities while clearly having little knowledge on the nuance of those subjects. He was an outsider who presented himself with a strange amount of authority.

This was content created with the sole intention of propping up queer stories and history, yet it's built off stolen work from queer authors and doesn't actually care that much about exploring the communities it features. Vids like the IWTV one weren't really fact checked because it's only people like me who would might give a shit or even notice anything is off in the first place. There's a bit of a similar vibe in some of his other vids where he undermines the experiences of queer women because he clearly has not taken the time to learn about the nuances of representing queer women in media. These are things that irritated me when I first started to notice them but I put those concerns in the back of my mind because I cared about the topics he was covering and was excited to see these discussions becoming more mainstream.

The revelations of this evening have been disappointing to say the least.

(also for the record I know he made other more recent vids about IWTV but I haven't seen those and even if his account was still up I don't think I would lol

BUT

I did look at the transcript for his 'Vampires and the Gays Who Love Them' video (found from the same link I included above) and this quote about the IWTV AMC show is sending me: "Daniel has never grappled with the complexities of being gay"

Shoutout to straight, uncomplicated icon Daniel Molloy. Devil's Minion was a mass hallucination, spread the word)

[rest-your-head-in-my-lap]

On Being Ace and Horny

It's complicated. I've had a lot of shit going on with my sexuality for a long, long time. I've always known I was ace, this is true... Kinda hard for me to not realize when everyone else around me started going through puberty, starting feelings things like that and I just. didn't. I didn't look at people and think about them touching me. I didn't watch porn to jerk off to. I didn't feel the pull of my body's needs in the way it always felt like so many of my peers did. Many people experience this age and sexual attraction and feelings differently, this is true, but it always felt like there was something missing for me. I did and do read erotic material, sure. I've seen the same things they have. It just never clicked for me the same way. I watched and I was interested but never felt any urge besides that. Sex for me has never been a need or craving, just a dull want on the occasion. I'm simplifying a lot of details here- Point is. I personally don't experience sexual needs in the way an allo would. I've sought out content mostly to satisfy curiosity or for the more romantic aspects of the material. So there's that right? Nice and easy, I'll just never have sex or take part in those kinds of things, right? Yeah, turns out it's a wee bit more complex than that. See, I still enjoy things of sexual nature. Just because I lack sexual attraction/feeling doesn't mean I can't take pleasure from it, it's just in a different way: I view sex as a sense of being close to a person I love, as bringing them pleasure and getting my feedback from that. I enjoy people's reactions to me, I take pleasure in the more metaphorical/intangible things I'm given from the experience. Just try to imagine not being able to feel with your hands, you might still be able to ascertain texture and the like, but it'd be different from most people's methods. Complicated metaphors aside though, this means that I can also have 'kinks.' Though not exact, there are still things I favor or preferences that aren't the 'default'. I can also want or desire sexual experiences with my partner, I can want to be sexy or look hot. These are all things that similarly to allos, I experience, just not in the same way. Because of the fact that I don't entirely sway to one side or the other, I'd often feel strange about my sexuality in the past; Trying to repress all of the more sexual urges so that I could be a 'proper' asexual. But the fact of the matter is, there's no such thing as a 'proper' asexual, or a correct asexual or a correct label of any kind. People and feelings are flexible and pushing yourself into a box helps no one. I still identify as asexual and I am allowed to still identify as an asexual. I am allowed to be myself and not try and pretend I feel things I don't. Hehe, there's my little ramble-y blurb about my experiences. Admittedly I haven't reread this or anything so do forgive if it's a little circular.

[lonelychicago]

fuck it friday (except that it's thursday, but y'know, fuck it)

i've been rereading this scene i wrote for tsunami fic and i'm so excited, i just wanted to share it <33

"I'm here. I'm here." He says, kneeling beside the bed and resting a hand on Chris' shoulder, trying to comfort him. "It's okay, bud. I'm here." 

"Where's Buck?" Christopher asks and the vines and thorns inside Eddie's ribs seem to grow larger and bigger upon hearing the words, until they're twisting and turning and wrapping themselves around his heart, in a vicious grip. 

"I don't know, buddy." Eddie blinks, willing the tears away and clears his throat. He looks up at Chris and runs his fingers through his son's hair, gentle and tender. "We don't have news of him yet." 

It's not fair, Eddie thinks bitterly and angry. Furious at the universe, at the world and its stupid natural disasters. At Shannon for having died and Buck for not being there and at himself for being angry at them for something they can't control. 

Grief is funny and wicked like that. 

"Dad, I'm scared." Chris whispers in a small voice and Eddie makes a hurt noise in his throat, coming to lay with him and wrapping him in a tight hug. 

"I'm scared too," he admits. 

"Buck saved me." 

"I know, mijo. I know he did." 

"What if he's dead?" This time Chris' voice is so low that Eddie barely hears it. "Like mom." 

"We can't think like that yet, Superman." Eddie sighs, feeling like he's way out of his depth here. "Buck might just be lost right now, waiting for us to find him." 

"What if he's not?" 

There's a few beats of thick, syrupy silence streatching kn between them and then Eddie thinks—

"Hey, you know what makes me feel better?" 

"What?"

"I've been calling Buck— It goes straight to voicemail, because his phone is probably dead at this point." Eddie says, wondering if this might fuck up Chris even more or actually help. "But it makes me feel like I'm talking to him, like I'm doing something instead of just waiting for bad news, you know?" 

Chris moves and pulls away just enough so he's looking him in the eye and nods, a sad frown on his face. 

"You wanna give it a try?" 

"Yeah…" Chris hesitates but then says louder and firmer— "Yeah, I wanna do that." 

Eddie nods and pulls out his phone again, dialing Buck. Of course, it goes straight to voicemail again. 

"Hey! It's Back here! I'll get back to you as soon as I can but in the meantime leave your— Hey Chim, stop it! That's my food! Hands off, man!" 

"Hey, Buck." Eddie says softly. 

"Hi, Buck." Chris follows, his lower lip trembling. "Thanks for saving me today." 

tagging (no pressure): @monsterrae1 @buddierights @prince-buck-diaz @alyxmastershipper @spaceprincessem @bigfootsmom @the-likesofus @spotsandsocks @dijkstraspath @starlingbite @messyhairdiaz @transbuck @honestlydarkprincess @transboybuckley @ebdaydreamer @bekkachaos @hippolotamus @shortsighted-owl @prettyboybuckley @cowboy-buddie @cowboy-buck @911onabc @panbuckley and anyone else who wants to do it <33

[ritzcuit]

it's no secret that i am a massive fan of spirit of justice, except more specifically, i am a massive fan of datz are'bal, and More specifically, i'm a fan of datz's relationship with dhurke, which i widely have to extrapolate from context clues bc this game hates me. so i often reread the transcripts, of 6-3 and 6-5, to reflect upon the nature of datz are'bal.

well... the way he talks abt dhurke drives me crazy mostly. and i wanted to compile all the freak moments where he yaps about dhurke and the kids. Plus some random extra bits... think of it like a dhurkedatz manifesto, if you want

screenshots using the ace attorney wikia transcript. soj spoilers ahead. Obviously

we have to start midway through the third case, 'cause up until this point datz had brain damage. anyway "brother in arms" gay. "just like you!" gay. Ok not that gay. but it demonstrates datz's entire purpose for being in this game, "im going to tell you about dhurke sahdmadhi in great detail"

oh god It's starting. this is from inspecting the board of photos in the defiant dragons' office.. sorry i forgot datz's other purpose for being in this game, "i'm going to tell you about dhurke sahdmadhi's kids in great detail." i cant. hes so. endlknfgdf

just all this yapping for no reason. it's like a guy showing you photos of his kids in his wallet. Yeah he went to school to study revolution^_^ being close enough to that family to know how much yuty looked up to dhurke is so... to know yuty's motivations... why do you know all this, datz?! do you think he would help yuty study for law school 🥺well dhurke definitely did too, but like...what if both of them helped 🥺

"dhurke's been beside himself" as if datz didn't just wistfully reminisce about how yuty used to be the pride of the dragons. you are NOT an impartial party my man! "we all thought! we were sure...!" it makes me wonder how many other rebels would know that dhurke was torn up over losing his son like this. he puts on a strong face, right, like everyone in ace attorney... but datz is at least close enough to see him struggling with it. like come awn

just more yapping. mind you, datz is currently pretending to be abandoning the revolution right now (though you probably can interact with this afterwards, when he gives up on that). but still. pov you went to a defector to get info on the defiant dragons, but all he's doing is talking about their leader's sons for no damn reason

BC IT'S THE LIKE. EAGERNESS. THAT GETS ME. he knew those kids and by god he is going to tell you about them 😭

inspecting the old sign........... it brings to mind a datz who used to hang around in dhurke's old office with him, like maya does phoenix, just being in his business for no good reason. young 20 somethings with the whole world open to them. "this place has seen better days" and i know damn well datz was seeing them too! Gay

talking to datz directly, this is under "dhurke the attorney" and the fanboying Begins in earnest. again, theoretically, he is pretending to defect from the dragons right now. it's like he was fucking vibrating waiting for phoenix to ask him about his best friend. "he was a force to be reckoned with! he was a juggernaut, as mighty as a dragon!" YOU! ARE! GAY! just geeking out over how cool dhurke was for NO REASON

STOP

Like i cannot express how much of a fucking geek he sounds like right here. "oh i'm defecting from the dragons cus dhurke is a traitorous snake. Anyway he's SO FUCKING COOL :)" he literally sounds awestruck. He would never surrender... sparkling eyes... EW

while breaking datz's psyche locks. gay

i dont even have anything to say. "that look in your eyes... it's just like dhurke's" Yeah i bet you pay attention to what dhurke's eye looks like you little freak. i bet dhurke said something rly cool in court one time and you fell in love with him then and there. Ewwwww Throws hammers. also i just like these lines it's very badass of him. datz said ok ill die for the dragons idgaf and phoenix said IGAF VERY MUCH PERSONALLY I LOVE NOT DYING

pff

later on, after all topics were cleared, datz exposition dumps some more. nothing actually that interesting but "dhurke was framed, i'm telling ya!" is sooo cute to me. it makes me wonder how many rebels do still think dhurke's guilty, but are critical of the ga'ranian regime for other reasons. probably a lot, right? thinking about datz defending dhurke's innocence to other dragons, but then dhurke's like... datz it's fine if they think i'm guilty, so long as they still agree with our cause. it isn't about me it's about the greater good of khura'in. and datz is like. OK BUT THEY'RE STILL WRONG THOUGH 😭😭

"it's like dhurke used to say" fanboy. there's no other words for it

"fangs of the defiant dragons" is an interesting thing. datz calls himself that thrice (once during the trial after he regains his memory and once later on in 6-5). i don't know what it means. LOL i even made my friend who knows japanese hunt down the original line to try and understand it, and we got nothing bc it's basically identical. it gives off the impression that He's Him, tm, he's The Guy, who does shit.. which isn't actually very dhurkedatz, but it's dhurkedatz to me. so much of dhurke IS the revolution, and the dragons. their entire relationship is through the revolution and the dragons. so it stands to reason that if datz is important to the dragons, then he's important to...?well you know

like the defiant dragon bites down and doesnt let go. it needs fangs to bite, of course.......oh the crucial datz...crying

that's basically it for 6-3, except the very end-

aw. theyre hanging out :)

cutting to 6-5 because 6-4 has nothing for us. i have dreams that 6-4 actually has datz in it somewhere and i just never checked, because there's something wrong with me

datz isn't here yet.. this is from inspecting charley, obvs. who's "we" though. you know who we is? it's datz. now. to me. it's dhurke and datz. they lost aj and then yuty ok let them have their cactus. This could also just be a lie ENDFKLNGDF But its too easy to imagine datz getting a cactus and being like "it's like aj! 'cause of it's spines!" and dhurke is Just enough of a sad lonely old man to keep it around. until it like dies i guess rip apollo

talking to dhurke under "request" gives us this. My Compatriot. god made them compatriots bc they would be unstoppable as canon lovers. my compatriot. i should smack u. THATS UR FANGS IDIOT -_- Anyway it's clear from how much datz yaps abt him, but it's nice to have confirmation that apollo remembers him too :) running around him... maybe its "running around with him"? i wouldnt know. but still...so cute..what if i cried rightnow

a whole bunch of nothing bc they're keen on hiding him from me. this is ages later while inspecting the suitcase in archie buff's house. dhurke...thats ur knucklehead...

apollo remembering enough about datz to make fun of him *wiping tear from eye*im so happy *sniffling*

talking to paul atishon, who does not matter. dhurke... hes your buffoon....

but don't worry. he's here. it's datz. everyone get excited. it's time for The Scene, of which i have actual screenshots

this is my "intellectual attraction" this is my "unnecessary feelings" my "her respect as a coworker wasn't all i wanted" orhowever that shit goes. Dhurke! You're a sight for sore eyes! it's so nothing compared to those other three, but i can't help it. I love it so much.....

i love datz being such a freak who can't calm down for 5 minutes. i love dhurke being so understated here. its so funny. he said girl calm down it's just me 😭 and datz's stupid big ass smile once he realizes it's oomf.. i knew you'd come save me!

it's worth noting that in jp, according to my friend who knows these sorts of things, "you're a sight for sore eyes" is just "My partner!" with partner being aibou, which is also used for phoenix/edgeworth, klavier/daryan, and asougi/ryuunosuke. It's too much...datz likes him so bad. get a ROOM!

theyre both so weird

if you present the founder's orb transfer agreement, you get this exchange. please...the banter. i wish we got 50000p more pages of this.

Anyway um it turns out i hit image limit ...smiles cheekily...i could replace the sight for sore eyes pics with one screenshot, but i wont, bc its that important To Me. well. ill continue this in a part 2 because there is still plenty more to be seen

[kyouka-supremacy]

Yeah I was shocked at first too how little Atsushi seemed to care about Aku's death and was outright offended on Aku's behalf but now that I'm rereading I can't describe Atsushi post-88 as anything other than "numb" or going through the motions and it get really blatant when you see how animated he got during the most recent chapters

Mmmmhh. I think those two Atsushi pages are extremely interesting, and that we need to talk about them some more. Overall, Anon, I relate to your experience: I too thought Atsushi's reaction to Akutagawa's death was rather indifferent at first, and I too eventually warmed up to it explaining it as loss rather than apathy, a difficulty to process what had happened just yet. But the thing is, before chapter 107 came out, I truly felt like both interpretations - the indifferent one and the numb one - were equally sustained by canon elements and potentially true. I do think that the “indifference” interpretation had canon grounds of its own right and, although it's close to be disproven by the latest chapters, I want to elaborate on that, because I think it's still valuable to reflect over it.

It's reasonable to think Atsushi's reaction was so cold and detached because a lot had just happened for him way beyond what any man could elaborate in the immediate; at that point it still didn't come natural for him to think of Akutagawa as anything but evil, and, even though Akutagawa had just proven in action to be more than a ruthless monster, for Atsushi months of thinking of Akutagawa as the devil incarnate isn't something he could grow out of in a matter of minutes or hours, especially given he still hadn't had the chance to properly elaborate what happened. And yet even when considering all of that, it's still true that Atsushi never asks Ango "why did Akutagawa sacrifice himself?" or "why did Akutagawa die for me?"; he only wonders if there's "some grand meaning to it". He doesn't seem to be pondering over Akutagawa's sacrifice in particular as something extraordinary, but rather reflects about the entire string of events as equally important factors. I find it insane that Atsushi is thinking about the event of Akutagawa keeping his promise over the very occurrence of Akutagawa giving his life to save him, and how even that instance of remembering something good Akutagawa did feels to be only prompted by acknowledging how that allowed him to escape, for the ada to keep fighting– even when thinking about Akutagawa, it seems to be for inherently selfish reasons. It all speaks, to me, like in that moment Atsushi saw Akutagawa like just a piece in the grand scheme of things and nothing more, which is coherent with the dehumanizing perception of Akutagawa he always held; and that's why it made me believe that nothing much really changed even after Akutagawa died for him, because apparently nothing would have been able to scratch Atsushi's quick-to-judgement, close minded attitude.

Then again, this was my main interpretation up to chapter 88 and no further, and back then I probably shouldn't have given that much relevance to Atsushi's words since in that moment he was understandably shaken and unstable. Besides, obviously, chapters 107 and 108, Atsushi hallucinating Akutagawa in chapter 105 is a meaningful element too: the way Akutagawa seems to be guiding him, how Atsushi doesn't seem to hold any fear or hatred or resentment towards him anymore, the way Atsushi places him on top of importance falling second only to Dazai. And it's true that chapter 107's "I know you're still there" and "you still haven't told me why did you save me" are telling enough on their own: of the fact that Atsushi really had a change of heart about Akutagawa, of the fact that he's changed his mind on him. And after all who am I to disagree, I don't wish for anything other than celebrating sskk canon 2k23 ahah!

But the thing is: in the end, to me, it really doesn't matter if that chapter 88 scene specifically is meant to be interpreted Atsushi caring for Akutagawa or not!! What I mean to say is that unrequited-sskk is still a very compelling dynamic and noteworthy concept, and it having canon basis or not is ultimately completely irrelevant.

I've been called out a lot for my unrequited-sskk takes and received a couple of asks and replies already on this, so I really wanted to clarify why I'd stand by that in the first place, and elaborate on why in my opinion that Atsushi scene from chapter 88 really fits the picture. Truth to be told, unrequited-sskk was mostly a June 2022 phase that manifested slowly in later months due to my late posting habit, but I don't feel for it any strongly than requited sskk– I mean, I obviously love sskk, of course I'm also rooting for them to be happy together. But I do think unrequited sskk holds a lot of thematic value, and that's why I think it's very interesting concept to reflect over! More specifically, I think it's very fitting with Akutagawa's character themes of being perfectly unlovable, the miserable and tragic character. This context ties with and reinforces the image of Akutagawa as the cursed character, someone who can only fall for people who are destined to hate him; and the people he loves won't ever be able to see in him anything but a monster, because he is fated to cause repulsion in anyone he meets. Additionally, seeing the character under this light makes his death even more dramatic and heartbreaking: there's some added pain in the knowledge that he's dying for someone he loves, and who is never going to love him back or even see him as human for what matters, and yet Akutagawa deciding to do so anyways. I feel like Akutagawa as the ultimate tragic character, born miserable and died miserable, only ever running after glimpses of happiness without ever the chance to grasp them, forever unloved, forever in pain, is really compelling! Akutagawa doomed to be unloved in life and death, someone whose pain, whose sacrifice and humanity will never be recognized by anyone but the silent audience. It's just a very entertaining concept to explore!!

I also find the unrequited love scenario interesting on the other end, in the way it frames Atsushi, the good one, as fundamentally unable to be compassionate and forgiving with Akutagawa, making out of the good guy a complex and especially flawed person. I like how Atsushi and Akutagawa's roles of good and bad are switched in someone who's unforgiving (unsympathetic), and someone who's miserable (sympathetic). (That is far from wanting to villainize Atsushi– Akutagawa did a lot of unforgivable things to him. He just did a lot of redeemable things also.)

In the end my final take - which is something I've always thought - is that sskk's relationship, and its chance to bloom romantically or not, is mostly dictated by chance: in Beast, they've met in a friendly, non-hostile environment, and they suddenly clicked; but not in every universe they might be lucky. They have palpable chemistry, but it's not granted that will always translate in them getting along more than them clashing and destroying each other. And I guess that's what makes them so fun to fixate on!! How their relationship can take so many different shapes while staying the same. When people ask when sskk would get together, I really think it's only a matter of case. I think it's as likely for Akutagawa to kiss Atsushi on impulse after this arc has ended than it is for them to beat around the bush for years and years to no end. I think it's really a matter of chance that Akutagawa didn't kill Atsushi and join the Hunting Dogs, a split-second decision that could have easily gone another way. I find it cool how their relationship can take so many different shapes and yet the only thing that stays the same is how inexplicably tied they are, how the other makes them who they are, how deeply and intrinsically connected they are.

Tl;dr: Atsushi's reaction to Akutagawa's death, up to chapter 88 and without considering chapter 107 and further, has equal basis to be interpreted as Atsushi being indifferent (uncaring) of Akutagawa or detached (caring in disguise) of Akutagawa; here's what made of uncaring of Akutagawa an interesting scenario no matter the fact it turned out to be wrong; here's why, independently by how much canon basis it has, themes wise unrequited-sskk is still a very interesting concept that should be taken in consideration.

[allison3k0]

HOLY SH Y'ALL I KNOW I'M POSTING A BUNCH TODAY BUT I HAD TO ABOUT THIS IT'S SO WILD 😭😭😭

I was chatting with a moot about my TC and the email he sent earlier, and I realized something absolutely wild...

So at the end of his email, Mr S said:

"Most days I'm still in the room for a little while after school to let you in." (He usually ends up staying about 15 minutes after school, at least when I go to his classroom)

Now, I initially took that as "Most days I stay a little while after school, so I can let you in." and not at "Most days I stay a little while after school so I can let you in." Notice how the comma changes the meaning of the sentence.

In all of the 3 (almost 4) years that I've known him, I never realized this.

So during the first year that I had him, by the time school was over he'd lock up his room and be out the door before I could even see him. But, one time I asked him if I could continue working on something for class after school (since I had him for fourth period that year), and naturally he said yes and I did what I said I'd do. And, as that year went on, I stayed a few times after school when I asked him but other than that he'd lock the room up right after class and leave right away. But, the next year I had him for another class, and I started needing extra time to finish stuff up since it was work I could only do on the school computers or on paper that was at school, so I started staying after school more often. The thing is, nobody else stays after school besides me, and sometimes my Bestie M because she's with me, but she never stays on her own. I noticed that Mr S kept his door open more often during that year after school, but it was usually locked by the end of the day. Fast forward to last year and almost every day his room was open after school, and I'd come in often to work on stuff. I had some fun times w Bestie M during those days too. So, he routinely kept his door open at that point, and I had just assumed that it was because he was just finishing some things up before leaving, but I never stopped to think about how he used to always have it locked.

Fast forward to this year and he has his door open after school EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So far, other than one day where he had a meeting right after school and another day where he had an appointment. And I never thought to connect the dots until this email, which was like the final piece in the puzzle.

And it dawned on me when I reread the email. "Most days I'm still in the room for a little while after school to let you in." Now wait a second... "to let you in."... Notice the lack of comma in the sentence... DID HE JUST ADMIT THAT HE WAITS FOR ME TO COME INTO HIS CLASSROOM AFTER SCHOOL EVERY SINGLE DAY??? THAT HE STAYS BEHIND FOR A FEW MINUTES FOR THE PURPOSE OF LETTING ME IN??? I stg I can't be that delusional, right???

He could've easily changed the meaning with a simple comma and a slight word change like "Most days I'm still in the room for a little while after school, so I can let you in.", but he actively chose to write it the way he did. Could it have been accidental? Yes. Could he have meant it in a different way? Yes. But this man is careful with his words, and he doesn't make vocabulary or grammar mistakes that could cause a misunderstanding. It's not like him. So, he purposely chose to write it that way... Which means... HE STAYS BEHIND EVERY DAY JUST FOR ME. 😭😭😭 HE WAITS FOR HIS DAILY FILL OF ME BEFORE LEAVING 😭 (relatable)

Maybe this means something, or maybe it doesn't... Only time will tell.

[halfagone]

I kept rereading your Cass x Danny fic, and am thiiiiiiiis close to convincing myself to read your dpxdc longfic! But returning back to our sweet couple, I had thought of an idea of Cass and Danny's first meeting being at a Gala.

They're all adults. Danny is there as Tucker's Co-CEO of their new company, both of them invited by Tim Drake, who will be stepping down as CEO to newly 21 years old Damian Wayne. He invited other relatively new small companies, for the sake of helping Damian create connections for his own term, other than the ones Tim will leave behind.

The whole Wayne family was going to be there to celebrate Tim's final Gala. When it was time to dance, however, Danny decided that Tucker was doing all the talking for the both of them, giving poor Damian too much information and the rest of the Wayne siblings enough entertainment. So, he stepped out to the balcony for a breather, happy that just for tonight, the clouds parted enough for the full moon to reveal itself.

The music could still be heard outside. But Danny finds out that he wasn't alone. There was a woman. On top of the balcony's roof. Swinging her legs while eating cheap chocolate wafers. Danny watched wrapper after wrapper float gracefully past him to the bushes underneath him. The bush almost looks like a Christmas bush with how many wrappers decorating it.

Then, suddenly, the woman lands beside him, munching on her final wafer, and throwing the wrapper out of the balcony.

"Aren't you gonna get in trouble?"

The woman smiled and brought out another cheap wafer, handing it to Danny indulgently. "A bribe," she simply said.

Danny, amused, decided to play along. He chuckled as he took the cheap wafer. "A deal," he replied, opening it and popping the wafer in his mouth. It wasn't that good, nor as sweet. It honestly tasted like cardboard. But the woman in front of him smiled so beautifully under the moonlight, the cardboard wafer didn't seem to taste as bad.

The woman then pointed to the bush.

Danny got the message and abandoned all his morals. He threw his trash towards nature. Weirdly, he didn't seem to care, didn't even feel Sam's threatening glare even if she is miles away from him right now.

Then, the woman held out her hand.

"Dance?" she invited.

And who was Danny to refuse?

He took her hand, and then they began dancing to the soft and muffled music from inside, under the moonlight that seemed to shine brighter the longer they danced.

When the music ended, Danny and the woman's head were nearly touching, both of their eyes never leaving each other's.

Softly, the woman whispered, "I... am Cass."

Danny didn't miss a beat, "I am Danny."

"And I am Damian."

Danny didn't scream. He didn't. But Cass was already out of his arms and being escorted by her tall brother back inside. Once she reached the door, she turned her head to him with a smile and waved goodbye.

Danny was left alone in the balcony. Everything now feels cold, and the moonlight felt dim.

He sighed, feeling pathetic now. He better head back inside and find Tucker.

[The next day, Vicki Vale would be glaring at her new photographer for always getting some wrapper in his pics!!!]

(I love how much of a cute little bugger Damian was in your fic!!! I just had to use that energy here! ❤ I hope you liked this uwu)

nehnjkw4njh You've got a whole fic right here, and I would devour this thing whole. I did devour this thing whole. I love them, I can't help it. TAT Thank you for the gift. I'm glad you did like that fic! (Take your time with lex luthor's ascent, if you do end up reading it. lol It's an emotional rollercoaster and if you decide to get off before the ride is over, then I won't blame you.) THANK YOU SO MUCH!! <3

[crimsonshadesblog]

You know I was rereading "A Killing Spree in White" because I really like it and I have to say

I love how you're able to have Seofon make genuinely impressive poor decisions and still feel in character

Because it's so funny to me that after roughly a week of Seofon making a poor decision that negatively affected his relationships with crew that he felt the need to write out apology letters to everybody in the crew.

He makes even a worse decision by deciding to go hunt down a primal he basically knows nothing about power or strength wise and decides that defeating it with no help would somehow get him back in the good graces of the crew.

Even though he would be making a similar decision in concept that got him in trouble with the crew in the first place. Like wow Seofon you really are missing the forest in the trees.

And I really like that about your writing they way I can sympathize with Seofon's poor situation, but also being completely flabbergasted by self-inflicted awful choices.

Can't wait to see where the story goes next.

Thank you! I'm really glad to hear it. I'm trying to have the next chapter(s) up soon. <3

This plot idea was mostly born from the end of his final fate episode in Relink where he says he needs to perform a great feat to get off the captain's crap list before moving on from Zegagrande and the question was "What sort of thing would he do then to redeem himself" and "go way overboard with quests to impress everyone with how useful he can be" felt like a natural place to go. Besides, it's a nice parallel to Narmaya, who did the same thing in her FEs when she felt like she failed. Big brother/big sister solidarity.

And while that part hasn't come up much yet I like to imagine that, for as obviously bad of a choice trying to take down a primal all by yourself is, especially at the height of exhaustion, he has a bit of a point in that maybe just sealing a dangerous primal away and leaving people in the far future to having to deal with that might not be such a great idea, either. Maybe taking care of it in the present, assuming there's people capable of that around, would be better. He's not completely wrong.

...But he's going about it in the wrong way and his motivation isn't completely altruistic, so we're back to the "babygirl what are you doing"-zone where most of Seofon's choices live.

Thanks again! I'm glad you're enjoying it, because it's definitely one of my favorite fics. <3

[heartofstanding]

I continue to read Dan Jones's Henry V biography so you don't have to.

I've read 11 chapters now and, ngl, did take a break to read two novels for fun. It's not, like, hard to read - it is very readable and since he likes Henry V, I'm not grumbling at the book (he's not a fan of Richard II still but, like, he's not rubbing his hateboner all over the pages when he does talk about Richard).

[citation still needed]

There's a lot of stuff Jones says that I'd like him to really drill down on but there's usually no citation. I also don't trust him when he does give a citation because I don't know how much he's editorialising from what his source claims.

This has lead me to twice actually check the citations he gave and it appears they're legit but it also meant I caught a typo in his endnotes (he left the "d" off "Allmand"). It also meant that I looked at his bibliography and it seems very short, though it did amuse me that he only cited Ian Mortimer's 1415, not Mortimer's The Fears of Henry IV. Nature is healing.

I've progressed to shouting "show me your working!" at the book. Like, he says the wound Henry received at the Battle of Shrewsbury had closed by September. Now, I spent days trying to figure this out and I ended up thinking September too but there was a whole lot of guessing going on because Bradmore doesn't say how long anything took besides the twenty days he used the ointment he claimed "regenerated flesh". It would be nice that either Jones had a footnote that explained how he came to that conclusion or like... not claimed it at all.

I can't believe I'm going to say something nice.

Jones makes the point early on that a lot of biographies of Henry tend to skip quickly over Henry's time as Prince of Wales to focus on his kingly years. And, yeah, that's true. It's also true that all of the biographies of Henry since Christopher Allmand's have tended to be under 300 pages so they don't have the space to get into detail.

Jones's biography is the longest since Allmand and unlike Allmand's, dedicated entirely to biography and because he's writing a pop history narrative with more speculation, he makes a lot of connections that I hadn't really considered. He talks about, for example, Henry going on pilgrimage following his recovery from the Shrewsbury wound.

Allmand is, I think, the only biographer who even mentions this pilgrimage and since he doesn't seem to have known how serious the Shrewsbury wound was when he was writing, he doesn't make much of it. Jones, however, does. And, look, I'm not criticising at the other biographers, especially when a lot of them were for written for series of short biographies, but it does make me wish we could get a biography of Henry that was long and detailed and academic.

It also makes me want to reread Allmand.

The present tense continues to annoy me.

It doesn't annoy me as much as it did at first, possibly because Jones has gotten into the swing of it, possibly because I'm mostly used to it. I think one of the things that grates is that Jones will switch to future tense to foreshadow ("he will come to do this..."). I don't know. Jones says in the introduction that he uses it to bring us as close to Henry as possible, to get to know him - "we must wrestle with the medieval world in real time, with him". I don't think that it's necessarily a bad impulse to use present tense to remind the read that history wasn't history for the people involved and they didn't have the benefit of hindsight and alternative perspectives that historians do. But I think the present tense bugs me because it undermines Jones's point - how can we live with Henry, as events happen, when Jones is always there nudging us and saying "this is going to come up next chapter/later". IDK.

[pushthequorumbutton]

Book 11

far more friendly to the vultures than their wives.

hell yeah hell yeah these descriptions of war are badass. also the peals of thunder, rain of blood, strife's piercing and dreadful call, the repeated imagery of a lion savaging deer. 11 books in and it finally feels like an epic lol i know i know it's about how war is terrible yet a natural/necessary part of life or w/e but i'm enjoying these descriptions ok

i guess it's kind of cool how the pain of childbirth is compared to agamemnon's wound?

oho, diomedes no longer carrying the achaens on his back. now odysseus is joining him haha

Diomedes spoke. He drew back his long-shadowed spear, then hurled it unerringly. The spear hit Hector,                           on the head, catching his helmet at the very top. Bronze deflected bronze—the spear missed his splendid skin, prevented by the triple layers on the helmet,                             which he’d been given by Apollo. Jumping back, Hector quickly rejoined the massed ranks of his troops. He fell on his knee and stayed there, holding himself up with his strong hand on the ground. Black night hid his eyes.

ah, a fun way to describe blacking out! and then diomedes being like "you only survived that because apollo is buffing you, coward" lmao, honestly diomedes is my fave guy so far. i didn't even remember him from my first read when i was in high school :'3

Odysseus being left alone and being like "uh oh" PFFT

oh but then he's badass, okay

sooo many comparisons of war to defending farmland from animals. i guess it makes sense to relate to the audience?

THE MENTION THAT PATROCLUS' INEVITABLE DEATH BEGINS OH NO

Book 12

Homer's interjections in this book are fun. "The fool!" "How wrong they were!" "It would be hard for me to report all these events," etc.

Hector is so arrogant in The Illiad, I feel like i remember him being much more sympathetic in The Aeneid? Which would make sense given it's from the trojan pov but like. i guess aeneid felt to me more like a narration with relatable chars in it than either illiad or odyssey... it's more modern so maybe that's why....? do i need to reread the aenied too

Oho its The Sign!! also it snowed? did this battle actually take place in winter and all the movies i've watched lie to me lmao

Sarpedon appears!!!

Glorious Hector, his face like night’s swift darkness, leapt inside. The bronze which covered his whole body  was a terrifying glitter. In his hand he held two spears. Once he’d jumped inside the gates, no one moving out to stop him could hold him back, except the gods. From his eyes fire blazed.

:)

Book 13

Zeus: time to slack; Poseidon: haha fuck you; me: yeah fuck you zeus

the two ajaxes talking about 'power in their lower limbs' and being 'ready to wrap conquering hands around their spears'... cough cough

lmao poseidon's backhanded mention of agamemnon, i approve

there are so many names and deaths, i definitely don't have enough knowledge of greek mythology to understand the importance of all of it

The keen arrow bounded off. Just as black beans or peas fly off a broad shovel on large threshing floors, driven by the sharp wind or winnower’s strength—    that’s how the arrow point glanced off the breast plate, then flew aside, away from glorious Menelaus.

how are these similes decided

But as Peisander charged, Menelaus hit him— right on the forehead, just above his nose. The bones cracked. Both his bloody eyes fell out into the dirt beside his feet.

BRUTAL

dude hector acts like he hates paris, why do i remember differently

[thefourchimes]

🍌🍈

Wasn't able to answer this last night as I had passed out and then I got really busy the whole day today, whoops, my bad about that, but here we go!

🍌 In your opinion, what’s the funniest joke/reference/pun you’ve made in a fic?

Ooooh...well, as mentioned in the previous ask, I haven't actually posted anything for Encanto yet, and while I probably have a lot of possible choices from my other fandoms, I can't remember any from the others off the top of my head atm oof

Plus most of my stuff is angst instead of crack AHSFUIHAFS but I'll do my best

So yes, a joke/reference/pun I've made for a fic...I honestly have a few in mind right now for Encanto, ones from the 233 page AU, but if I say it now, it'll lose its magic when I hopefully post it AHSFUHASF

I'll probably just mention this one scene I had written for the one All of Us Are Dead fic I have, one that still makes me laugh every time I reread it:

It probably doesn't help that my sense of humor sucks but it's funny to me at least HASUFHASF

My bad if I wasn't really able to answer this properly 😅

�� Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

Ah, this question <3

I don't think I made it too obvious as to who my blorbo is before, besides a few posts and the fact that I love all the cool sisters so much, so yeah, guess it's time to "reveal" it

It's Isabela

I remember watching Encanto again all those months ago, the moment where my hyperfixation was about to rear its head and grab me by the throat, never letting go

As that was happening, the feral, chaotic, and unhinged cactus gremlin sister decided to jump me too

I can't remember exactly when I knew she was my favorite, but I just knew that she already was before I even fully realized it

I had WECID on repeat for a long while at one point

I think her exploring herself after everything hit me hard, I relate to her so much in a way, ngl... (except the hilarious thing is that I'm not even Isabela in this case, I'm the youngest out of my three siblings so I'm technically Mirabel in a sense ASHFIASF)

But anyway, I digress, my thoughts on her (along with my ideas for her that pop up in fics—er, will pop up anyway) are so wild that I'm not too sure on how to write it down in paragraph form, plus it probably won't be anything new since someone else in the fandom has probably already mentioned these, but I guess we keep going with it in a chaotic and wild way, true to Isabela's character (apologies in advance for the explosion of thoughts—except also not really sorry):

She's chaos incarnate, a force of nature that is so very extra and so petty as hell but it's okay because we love it sm

We don't get to see it all as much though because of her mask, but that just makes me even happier since she gets to be free post movie

She's acrobatic and athletic as seen in WECID, not to mention her skill with vine swinging, but that doesn't mean she didn't get at least a bit of clumsy genes from Agustin in some way, she just hides it pretty well due to her mask of perfection

She's always colorful and changing colors every time, experimenting with all the possibilities and she changes the color of her hair strand a lot too

She makes and discovers and explores all kinds of plants (ones she keeps track of to know what they are and what they can do), but we all know she has a soft spot for cacti <3

She knows a lot about flower and plant language, whether already having knowledge during the movie or learning after

She loves her family so much that she would and has sacrificed her happiness for them, that's something I admire so much but am also sad about because she really loves her family that she wants them happy even if she can't be happy, ow—

This seems to be a consensus the fandom has: she's one of the ones who will most likely murder someone and will kill for her siblings, very protective of her sisters and her family <3

Speaking of which, she has a ridiculously overpowered gift, one she has just as ridiculous control over as well, that I cackle and shake my head every time when someone just underestimates her and her gift

We know how she wants to be free but is feeling trapped as she's forced into perfection, half due to her own making and half due to others boxing her in, so there are lots of fake smiles and pretending on her part, but that does mean she's a pretty good actress considering she had everyone fooled for so long

I fucking love her bonds and relationships with her sisters and her cousins, but, as my PFP is indicating, especially the cool sisters

They weren't close with each other for several reasons for a long while, not even mentioning the strained relationship between her and Mirabel, but to see them have the chance to connect again and make up for everything was done and all that happened after the events of the movie? I love it so much aaaaaa

She teases the hell out of them in various ways, that's for sure, the sister vibes are so real <33

But that doesn't mean the cousins are left out here, ofc, the exploration of dynamics is always so nice and fun to see

I love all the grandkids so much <33333

I want to keep going so badly but I feel like I'd never finish this ask if I do AUISFHUIASHF plus I'm very sure I forgot something, but oof 😔

Ngl, this was me the entire time I was trying to answer this question:

Isabela <33

yep, that tracks HASFUIAHSF but yeah, thanks for the ask!! :DD <33

[laseratingfist]

i'm curious, how did qiqing become one of your preferred tgcf ships?

my rarepair shipper's soul, the same reason i'm on the sampo x luka boat .... they're both favorite characters of mine from that series, so naturally i want to see them interact and kiss!

then when i thought more about it, they would have a really interesting dynamic? they only actually interact twice during the whole book which is crazy to me, off the top of my head it's the parade scene where MQ plays the demon and QR throws a fit that he's good at swordplay like XL is. then later when they're in the palace, QR throws a cup of tea at MQ for that earlier "wrong". those scenes happen while they're all still mortal. (then there's a third scene where MQ disguised as Fu Yao is in the same vicinity as QR, but they don't interact. iirc that's when XL catches QR running a cannibal tavern?)

they were both people that XL tried to help, and failed in some way. QR needed more attention and careful guidance than XL was able or expected to give him. (besides, that shouldn't have been his responsibility, XL was only a few years older than him.) it's hard to articulate what MQ needed instead of what he got, as it's been a while since i reread the books, but it's not important to my point really. MQ was lifted from poverty to work for XL, QR was in a similar life circumstance before being made a prince. my point being that they have so much in common, they both orbit XL and yet are never really that close to him even though they want to be.

so, i propose, MQ wanting to be with someone (unconscious or not) that resembles his crush, someone he wants to impress, someone he wants to be appreciated by. QR, wanting to take something of his cousin's to feel closer to him, to feel more like him, to have someone actually love him. and then maybe they start to actually care for each other because no one else will.

[justmybookthots]

Did a bunch of rereads this month, and you know, I'm glad I did because the new books that I read? Oof. None really stood out except for a few.

And by a few, I really just mean the ones by S.A Barnes. Dead Silence was amazing to me, though I need to make it clear that besides the mystery, I ended up being super invested in her main cast. Which rarely EVER happens for a horror/thriller. I love the motley crew and their clashing personalities in Dead Silence, and Kane was LOVELY. Wild take but he reminded me a little of Jem Carstairs, just for his kindness and patience with the heroine. I never thought I'd visit a swoony character like that again, and I ended up kicking my feet and giggling at a HORROR novel. It's crazy.

The horror was well-done too, and one thing to note: this was my first time reading sci-fi horror. I thought I would be overwhelmed by the jargon/science-y parts but I actually did all right! Ghost Station was a bit more lacking because I didn't find the resolution satisfying, but overall I think both her books left me a little discontent in the latter half. I will say that S.A Barnes manages to always write a compelling cast. I really hope her new book, Cold Eternity, will feature another interesting cast (the blurb seems to indicate the heroine alone by herself??). 

I also reread the Mediator series — which was one of my favourite childhood books. The first four books were a fucking blast and I tore through them like a madman, but the fifth book, which used to be my favourite in the series, unexpectedly left me cold. I do think the heroine was much cooler as a character before she fell head over heels for the hero, and I was tired of her brain constantly being filled with Jesse and nothing else. It's a bit sad when your favourite series of all time falls short during a reread, but it was clouded by childhood nostalgia, so there's that.

I've already reviewed The Familiar, so in my monthly recap here all I'll say is that it was decent but nothing more than that. Foxhole Court was surprisingly not at all cringy to me despite people saying the premise is nonsensical, but I was let down by the prose and wished there were more descriptions overall. Meanwhile The Woven Kingdom had the most fucking annoying male lead of all time and Cyrus was meh, but the reveal at the end was fun and unexpected for me. 

I finished the second book in the Natural series by Jennifer Barnes and I just WISH, again, like with Foxhole Court, that the writing was better. There is so much potential in her storyline, but the prose just isn't good enough and I didn't feel attached to a single person (though I liked them all, to a mild degree). Describe the characters more! Give me more grit, I beg. What I really liked about this series is that it isn't about a group of kids with innate special abilities: they weren't born with these gifts, but several of them had suffered some type of trauma to develop these skill sets. Even Cassie's profiling stemmed from brainwork, not sheer talent. 

Urgh. It's so frustrating to me because there's so much potential in The Naturals there that, for me, wasn't met. I still plan to continue with the series just to see where it goes, though. Also I'm thinking of starting The Inheritance Games???? Not sure yet.

Overall: I read a lot for my standards, though about half were rereads. Holly Black's Stolen Heir series is such a comfort read for me and I loved Oak so, so much. It's a pity because almost all the books that weren't rereads kinda let me down (they're all three-stars save for Dead Silence), but that's just how it is, I guess. At this point I don't hope much for a book that will knock my socks off. I'm just happy I'm exploring new books and worlds at all.

[anthropophagusthebeast]

I'm afraid I'm addicted to typing. Normally when I want to vent about something I just write it down in a little book, illegibly because involvement in the cathartic action of writing is more important than the ability to reread it later which I will never do. Reviewing the content is not the point, the act of engaging with the subject is the point. But I love typing, I think it activates something in my brain that isn't exactly the same as when I'm writing with a pen. And maybe when I'm trying to understand something, not just vent it out, seeing the typewritten words could be more helpful.

I'm not quite awake yet but I am annoyed enough to try to do this anyway. I want to write about my favorite blogger briefly following and then unfollowing me. The rejection itself is not that interesting, everybody has a right and we don't really know each other after all. But the event caused me to review what it is about her that I react to so strongly, like what is the meaning of that kind of person to me, what do my projections consist of; maybe they say something useful about me that I can find out by examining this event. I expressed this to my friend Phil and I think he came at me with his own projections, which naturally did not mean that much to me. His first reaction was to try to convince me that she probably unfollowed me by accident; I agree that this is possible, but it's way beside the point and actually I think it would be bad for me to try to tell myself some story about how this basic stranger didn't really mean to reject me and maybe they still like me. I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with anything and would just encourage me to continue my obsession with this person, and I'm trying to say that the nature of my obsession is what's in question here. His other reaction was to try to convince me that actually she's probably not that cool in real life and some of the stuff she writes about is probably made up; it seemed like the aim of this was to make me feel better by framing her as inferior, which is also beside the point and I think not healthy, since the thing I'm trying to acknowledge to myself is that I really don't know her at all, the only thing that really holds meaning for me is the construct of her that I have created in my mind according to my own tastes and interests. Like maybe she is secretly boring and uncool but I'll never know, so this is completely irrelevant to me.

I think Phil has some basic, consistent level of skepticism, like he often talks about how people aren't really who they say they are, there's always some ruse going on and it's better to assume that people and things are secretly fake and fundamentally disappointing. That's not such a crazy thing to think, but it has nothing to do with my situation. I think he's just trying to comfort me by saying "maybe it was an accident" and "maybe she secretly sucks and you're better than her" or something, but I don't really want that kind of comfort, actually I don't want comfort at all, I don't need it in this case. I don't need to be coddled, I need to understand myself. And I'm getting the same kind of thing from my therapist; I try to tell her about something that puzzles me, that I think deserves analysis, and she immediately starts bombarding me with stuff about how I'm Good and Valid and I Deserve nice things and I'm OK Just the Way I Am. Which is definitely not a question I am asking, and I find myself abandoning subjects that I wanted to talk about because there's only so many times I can say Yes, I agree, I am Good and Valid, actually I wasn't questioning this, I'm just trying to discuss something that happened to me so I can understand it and integrate whatever the lesson was. So far I haven't been able to do that. We hit this wall where she just tries to make me have better self-esteem, and then we move on to another topic in minutes. I feel like I can't talk about anything for more than a couple of minutes because of this pattern.

God I miss my second therapist. I was so stupid to lose that time slot. But also I wasn't ready to say a lot of things out loud then, things I really need to say out loud before it's too late (I find myself thinking).

But at present I find myself motivated to really dig into the subject that I was turned away from by self-esteem talk. If I can't talk about it with my therapist or my friends, then I just have to talk about it with myself. And also I feel like if I can squeeze a lot of meaning out of this on my own, then I can come back to my therapist and say See, this is what I was trying to get at, it's actually really meaningful to me and it's not helpful for me to be turned away from a topic with simplistic talk of self-love.

It bothered me that when I was trying to talk about the abuse history in my mother's family and how it affected me and my worldview, my therapist basically stopped me to insist that the most important thing is that I am Good and Valid, and it doesn't really matter why someone did something to me as long as I understand that it was Bad of them. And on some level I get it, she was concerned that I was analyzing my mother's behavior with the goal of justifying it. But that's not what was going on, and I really do need to understand my mother's behavior so I can decode the messages she was delivering. When you understand the inner workings of something, it can have less power over you. And the exact nature of my mother's behavior does have an effect on me that isn't just making me feel bad about myself, the cure for which is making me feel good about myself. For instance, a very big thing for my mother--and her mother, importantly--was that having negative feelings like anger, fear, and sadness is a burdensome, antisocial thing that makes you a bad person. Even though I do not believe that at all consciously, and in fact I have devoted my life to understanding so-called negative feelings (an important fact about me that is obviously a reaction to the family problem! WORTH KNOWING ISN'T IT), it definitely affects my life because it's so deep in my DNA. My husband, who I love, is very reactive to small setbacks--I think this comes from his mother fwiw, like she wants everything to stay in this virginal state and she's easily traumatized by anything that's unexpected or even mildly disappointing--and because of how my mother treated me and her mother treated her, I get anxious about that right away. I immediately start thinking Toughen up, you're being a drag, stop being so sensitive, that's just negative! Even though he has a right to his feelings and they are no threat to me at all and I ALSO react strongly to certain small setbacks. My mother's toxic positivity mandate makes it hard for me to deal with situations that really aren't situations at all. I need to understand that so I can see what I'm doing and try to get better.

--and that stuff also reminds me of how, because of my abusive ex, I start to get scared every single time someone near me acts annoyed or frustrated. I get nervous and I try to fix something that doesn't need fixing, or else I just shut down completely until the tension has passed. So the problem with my ex is not just that he made me feel like a Bad Person and I just need to be reminded that I am a Good Person. The problem is that he trained me to feel and act in a way that is bad for me, to have unnecessary reactions that are draining for me, and this interferes with my emotional stability and my relationships. And the problem is not solved by someone simply reminding me that I'm a Good Person. I already know that consciously. I won't stop having problems until I decode the meaning of what happened to me.

The best definition of traumatic experience that I ever heard was that it's something that you cannot understand, and that you also cannot stop from happening. If I could just say to myself "I don't need to understand the bad thing that happened, all I need to know is that I'm Good and I Like Myself," then it wouldn't be trauma. That's ok for mild slights from people who aren't important to you, rejections from schools or jobs, or stuff like not being good at sports. It's all good, you can be good at other things, other people will like you, you know you tried your best and that's what's important. Just deciding that something terrible and persistent that happened to you doesn't matter because you agree that it was bad...I mean if that were a real thing, therapy wouldn't exist. We could all just tell each other, and ourselves, that our Feelings are important and we are Good and Valid. And we would be all better.

The reason that the blogger unfollowing me mattered to me wasn't really about the rejection. I mean of course nobody likes to be rejected but that's not that big of a deal to me; I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, when you're not wanted it usually means there's nothing good for you there even if the place seems glamorous to you, I have more important things to do and think about than wonder why specific people don't like me. The reason the unfollowing gets my attention is that it made me very aware of what kind of fantasy I was having about that specific individual. It wasn't a fantasy about friendship--which I actually don't think would work between us, we have extremely different attention spans and social metabolisms and I don't really see us enjoying each other's company in real life. The fantasy is about identity, about being a specific kind of person. It's about a kind of person I have always admired and aspired to be, and which is really far out of my reach for the most part. I have always been drawn to people and characters (important word here, I don't know her as a real person) who have her qualities. I'm frustrated that I can't see myself as such a person, I'm annoyed with the parts of myself that prevent me from leading such a life. An analysis of such a character would probably say a lot about me and my values.

She grew up in a Skinner Box type of environment, having been conceived by two people who agreed to a kind of avant garde child-raising experiment (approximate quote). Her father encouraged her to make herself attractive (she got a nose job at some point, and is currently struggling with anorexia), though it seems she is naturally extremely attractive, over six feet tall with a beautiful face and high metabolism and low interest in food generally. It seems that she was partially home schooled with a focus on advanced mathematics. I don't know if this was aimed more at business success or just superior intelligence, but the result was that she is both shockingly bright and sort of insane, deeply autistic and low-empathy with difficulty connecting to others, which sometimes makes her sadly vulnerable to bad faith actors. She grew up as an isolated, chronically online femcel, and eventually discovered her extraordinary power over men. She is a hypergamous dominatrix with an elaborately perverse sex life involving a harem of desperately devoted, rich business boys. She circulates in a world most of us will never experience and can hardly imagine, of cutting edge fashion and technology, and extreme privilege, where sociopathic brutes mix with big-picture visionaries. She is fascinated by the moral ambiguity of this world and tormented by her participation in it, constantly kicking its tires and testing its boundaries, and experimenting with her role there. I know these things because she is certainly the best writer on the platform, a genuinely talented writer in any case who I hope writes a book I can read some day.

So the things she has that I envy are:

A fascinating backstory*

Extraordinary talent at mathematics and technology.

Beauty, but a specific kind of fetishistic, stylized, cyberpunk beauty that I personally prefer. a) Leanness. I have the unfortunate prejudice that a lean "close to the bone" appearance correlates with intelligence, cunning, an intellect-heavy personality.*

Despite her tech concentration, a real artistic facility shown in her writing.

An outrageous, creatively fetishistic sex life--and more generally, the power and expressive ability conferred by her beauty.^

...I *think* that's probably it, simplistically. Other notes:

^ I have always enjoyed people with outrageous sex lives, I envy their drive toward the extremes of experience, I think this is a very good quality and a philosophically rich one. But the reality is that I probably wouldn't do that stuff even if I were attractive enough to participate. Even if I were that hot, I just like so few people and I don't want anyone to touch me except for a very, very few. I would never be able to get hypergamy going and I probably wouldn't enjoy it even if I had my choice of partners.

* I am fascinated by these things about her even though I know they are painful for her. They are undeniably interesting in a literary way, but I wouldn't want them for myself. I had enough trouble with my neurotic parents without the pain of being raised in an abusive cult environment, even though that is a "cool story". I wouldn't want to suffer the pain of anorexia. Just like anybody else I like the idea of being universally attractive and giving people fits of despair with my beauty and style and sexual potential, but I don't enjoy putting up with obsessed creeps and frankly I'm always a little afraid someone from her harem is going to try to kill her.

...essentially it is very important for me to acknowledge that some of the same things that make me feel jealous are things that are not good for her and that she wishes would somehow stop. If I suffered the way she does and I knew other people coveted the very things that make my life hard, I'd be pissed and disgusted.

But again, I don't know her, she doesn't know me, and in a way I'm not even talking about a real person. I'm just describing my construct of a person, based on the stimuli that are out there.

So then the qualities I lack, in contrast to her and in people and characters who I perceive to be like her, are:

Fitness. She's actually pretty weak due to inactivity and anorexia, but I imagine being tall and lean and athletic and how good that would make me feel. It feels like that appearance would reflect my "real personality". Instead I'm short and fat and puffy and jowly, and I hate it. I do love food, to me it's almost kind of a macho, survivalist thing, a dominance thing, to be able to eat and even enjoy anything. But the real thing is just my metabolism and my genes. The fact that I look exactly like my grandmother is really painful to me, someone who scared me and made me feel terribly guilty for not being able to love her and whose values are the reason my mother kind of hated me and wouldn't even bother discussing anything with me. It's true that I lack discipline, which is something else I hate about myself, like theoretically I COULD get a gym membership and go every day and put myself on a strict diet, forever. But the science says that that might make me healthier in some ways, but it will never turn me into the tall, slim, wiry stereotype of sharpness and efficiency that I so admire. I'm fucked in that department. And I'm afraid I'm too old to do it too, like weight loss won't result in anything other than gross, sagging, dangling wads of flesh hanging off my bones. There's no point in trying to be the person I wish I were.

I lack exactly the forms of intelligence I admire. I'm sick of hearing about how there are different kinds of intelligence, maybe I have emotional intelligence or creative intelligence or something, like who fucking cares honestly. I love people who understand space and mechanics, who can build, cook, sew, code, design. I love love love when people are great at math, it's the language of the universe! But I'm extremely clumsy and I can't seem to even learn anything practical, even if I try as hard as I can. I'm too stupid to understand how anything works and it makes it so I'm totally dependent on other people to do things for me, which I think is pretty disgusting. I'm just not a productive, independent adult and it seems like I can't even learn to be one in the way that I want. And like this is a matter of values. Being pretty is not a value of mine and I do have to grapple with that. But understanding your world and how to contribute to it productively IS a value. Asking me to be proud of my "emotional intelligence" or whatever and not have any feelings about the fact that I can't do anything I consider meaningful is asking me to go against my own values. And I don't like the persistent suggestion that your values are only important as long as they contribute to your self-love, the cult of self-esteem always wants you to approve of things you normally find objectionable only when it comes to yourself, and it's this double standard that I cannot abide.

I'd love to be a sexual dynamo and this one is painful because on some level I had that potential, but being screamed at and cheated on and publicly humiliated and passed over all the time by men who said insane things like that they wanted to marry me, made it so I can't have those feelings anymore. I don't belong in that world. It's other people who have hot, obsessive sex, not me. People only have sex with me when they can't have what they actually want, some dark goddess who controls their minds and causes them to wreck their ships. I know I'm good in bed and that I have been the best lay each of my serious boyfriends ever had; one of those guys could have had anyone, and one of them actually did his best to have everyone he could, so this was statistically significant. But after being treated like garbage, being treated like someone who was actually lower than whatever my partner could find in the gutter, it was like oh OK, I guess I just don't belong in the world of adult relationships. I guess anyone who ever fucks me is going to be settling for me and the most dignified thing I can do is feel a little sorry for them while we soldier on dejectedly together. And I guess I better not ever have those intense, direct feelings I used to have, because they were all wrong. And even if the person you want doesn't wish they had someone else specific, they will always wish they could just fuck someone more fuckable. Who wouldn't want that, who could possibly help wanting it. I always thought I had the potential for that compelling sex goddess thing, and for a time I seemed to with certain people, but ultimately I think everyone thinks they secretly have that potential just the way everyone secretly thinks they could win in a fight if they somehow got into one. It's pathetic. It's fucking comical actually. It's better to give up your whole idea of being sexy before you embarrass yourself, unless you really are in that top 8-10 grade of woman. Men think that men are human, and women are an attractive kind of human-adjacent thing, so if you are not a man and you're not attractive, then you're not even human. It's the way things are.

I guess I wish I had an interesting reason for being the way I am. She has such a fascinating life story, maybe I would find more purpose if I had a narrative behind me like that. Actually that's the exact reason the NXIVM story about my mom was so interesting to me, it made me feel as if there were somehow a powerful reason for the way I am, other than that I'm just kind of a deranged failure with no purpose in life. I also wish I had the social access to go to crazy raves and secret experimental events and shit. As it is, even if I could get to them, what would I have to say to anyone there? It feels like my brain is only good for sitting on the fucking couch watching the same movie over and over again and figuring out something to say about it that I forgot I already said the last time I watched it.

I'm running out of steam now, maybe I will have more to say later. Hopefully I've at least gotten some ways toward explaining to the imaginary version of my therapist that there is definitely some valuable significance to examining my attachment to the idea of this person, and not everything can be usefully boiled down to saying "Anything that makes you feel bad or anxious or confused doesn't matter because the only thing that matters is liking yourself." Bleh.

[hecking-person]

Context: I made these OCS in 2017, my friend was interested and since I had a special interest in it, we decided to work together for plot and character details. However some of the stuff that they did kinda peeved me off and 2 years after they've blocked me I now have a list of some things from my ocs stories that they did that well... peeved me off.

-They changed Alex's skin tone in the early days when he was still pale to a darker skin tone (when he was still a murderer) he was also very pale at the time and the only "bad" character at the time (he's the only one who committed crimes) -Changed Nick's personality from a more angry character to a more chill one (while I still use this characterization they didn't ask) -Created Ashton and Craig (not a bad thing just a thing they did) -Whitewashed Ethan even though he had a tan -Whitewashed Alex way after I had given him a tanner skin tone as his current one -Doesn't use the fucking eyedropper tool why is it so hard Kept insisting Craig wasn't a natural blonde even though I said he naturally had dirty blonde hair (I'm going to change it now but it has nothing to do with them, more with Craig being a fraud) -Whitewashed Vance even though he had a (fake) tan, and changed his hair color from a light red to a bright one -Kept giving Alex straight/wavy hair even though I kept insisting he had curly hair -Kept drawing Alex with a round headshape and Shawn with a more narrow one even though I constantly did the opposite (use a fucking reference) -KILLED OFF BRIANNA (a child) IN AN AU WHEN I TOLD THEM THAT'S AWFUL -Shipping 2 characters that were already in relationships (sus eyebrow raise) They made the Nick and Oliver a couple thing and then they shipped Nick and Craig I'm just like bro make up your mind bro cheating is not fun -Gave Gregory and John the ugliest suit colors (yes this counts as a crime to me because I continually used this color palette) -Whitewashed John in early art (luckily they got better at not doing that... for one character...) -Made Melody from a fan girl into a fujoshi (I think she'd love all couples now) -Making a self insert for my ABC characters and not using the guidelines I had put up. (The hairstyles are supposed to look like the letters) -Fucking draws Shawn's hairstyle wrong every time besides a DTIYS like that's proof that they COULD but just didn't feel like it ig -Drew Shawn skinny even though he was supposed to be a plus sized character at the time -Giving Jen the ugliest color shirt when she's supposed to be goth (this isn't really that bad but why ORANGE) -Giving Tyler (a black character) straight hair when I gave him naturally wavy hair (I should naturally give him curls he deserves it) -Thought that they knew more about wet curly hair than me and drew a guide even though I based Alex's hair type off myself and knew it gets longer when wet in comparison to straight hair (what they had) -Kept comparing Craig and one of their OCS saying they looked really similar even though they're the one who created Craig in the first place (gaslit me? Idk) -Kept giving Riley (a character they made for the series) an ugly ass color palette (it's mostly her skin tone was greenish and she had rainbow hair) (also not a crime but I hated it) (she deserved a warmer skin tone that I gave her when I drew her) -Wrote the goriest shit about Craig that I don't feel like rereading for this point (I remember it was pretty descriptive and idk why they even wrote it if I'm that squeamish) -Writing Alex as an apathetic serial killer even though he was never written like that even in the early drafts (he was literally autistic from year one... they're autistic but it's not an excuse) -Shipping Oliver and Nick as a pairing even though Oliver was 18 (now 19) and Nick was 23 (now 21)