#(I’d checked at 2. saw it was there. didn’t use it. came back at 5 it was still there so like a reasonable amount of time to get it)

[pebblezone]

Idk how welcome home has overrun literally all of my social media but I guess I welcome it

[lcandothisallday]

A Shot Worth Taking - Jeremy (WMCJ) x f!reader

Part 2 - First Date

warnings: none

series masterlist!

You sat nervously in the restaurant, waiting on Jeremy to arrive. It was your first date with him and he already wasn't making the greatest impression by being fifteen minutes late. He had offered to pick you up from your apartment but you opted to meeting him at the restaurant, not wanting him to deal with the intense LA traffic--but now you were regretting that decision.

You took a sip of your water and tapped your acrylic nails on the wooden table, letting out a sigh. You looked entirely too good to be stood up and the sympathetic stares you were getting from the restaurant staff were starting to piss you off. 

When your phone buzzed, you scrambled to see who texted you, part of you hoping to see Jeremy’s name pop up with an explanation as to why he’s late or if he was gonna show up at all. Instead it was your best friend Vanessa checking in.

Vanessa: Still a no show?

You: Yeah. Just hoping he’s stuck in traffic or something. I’m giving it 5 more mins

Vanessa: Well good luck and update me💖

You turn off your screen and place your phone down once again. You wait a few more minutes and just as you were about to give up, Jeremy rushes into the restaurant, frantically looking around to find you. Once his eyes laid on you, he let out a breath of relief, coming up to you with an apologetic look in his eyes.

“Y/N I’m so sorry,” he began, his voice breathless. “I had a long day--was training a client then did a few side hustles before I got home and...I really had to shower before seeing you and--”

He was going to continue rambling but you only let out a small laugh and waved him off. “Jeremy it’s fine,” you interrupted him in reassurance, giving him a kind smile. He seemed sincere enough that you believed him and wanted to give him a chance—and his rambling was cute you thought.

Truth be told though, part of the reason why Jeremy was late was because he had forced Kamal into playing an extra pick up to hustle a few extra bucks so that he could pay for the date. Unlike before with Tatiana, since the relationship was quite established, they could each pick up the bill on different occasions, depending on the circumstances. But that was before--and with you, he wanted to impress you so he had to have the money. Of course he wasn’t going to let you know all that though.

Jeremy let out another breath of relief before he pulled out the chair and sat opposite you. That’s when you truly got the chance to take in his appearance properly. His curls were beautifully bouncy and he wore the cutest little white crochet-like open button up that complimented him so well. A complete 180 to what you saw him wear at the pick up. 

Jeremy’s nerves got the best of him and all he could do was stare at you mesmerized, prompting you to talk first. “You um...you look very nice,” you complimented him, your cheeks flaring up with heat as you said it. 

His eyes widened at your compliment and his own cheeks went pink. He licked his lips and smiled at you humbly. Goes down the drain his confidence and all his game. “Thank you...you look absolutely beautiful,” he commented back, his hand gesturing to your everything causing you to giggle.

The waitress came and took your orders—not without giving you a questioning look before she had walked off to put it in. You didn’t quite understand why she gave you that look but little did you know it was because Jeremy and Tatiana used to frequent that particular restaurant a lot when they were still together and the waitress caught on.

“Sooo,” Jeremy began, his arms resting on the table in front of him. “You into basketball?”

You shrugged, “I mean—I’d call myself a casual fan. I follow up during the playoffs mostly,” you explain.

Jeremy hummed in understanding. “What team you got? The Lakers?” he asked, his assumption based off of the fact that you were born and raised in LA.

“The Warriors actually—”

Jeremy groaned, “don’t tell me you crushin’ on Jordan Poole too—”

“What?! He’s cute!” you defended with a laugh. “But I can think of a cuter basketball player,” you flirt, your grin widening as you see him instantly shut up and turn visibly red.

“Aight bet,” he chuckled, nodding before he nervously began to play with his fingers. “Were you uh…were you at the pick up watching anyone in particular though?” he mumbled out in question, wanting to know if there were any other guys in your life, which you easily caught on to.

With a smirk you shook your head no. “Nah…my friend Vanessa—her boyfriend plays baseball in the diamond next to the court. I tagged along for fun,” you hummed in response. “But you definitely caught my eye so I guess I was there watching you.”

Jeremy grinned and his cheeks started to tint pink which thankfully wasn’t too noticeable due to the dim lighting of the restaurant. “M’ glad you came…made it more worth it to win,” he mused.

“Oh I’m sure,” you laughed. “You’re a cocky player, you know?”

Jeremy scoffed playfully, although his expression was one filled with amusement in the conversation. “Don’t act like you didn’t like the attention—plus I’m only cocky cos I’m good,” he shrugged.

“I guess I can’t argue there,” you giggle, before you’re interrupted by your phone ringing, signalling someone was trying to face time you.

You look at the caller ID and silence the ringing to respect the fact that you’re on a date. Jeremy ignored it and continue the conversation with you when it rang again.

“You can answer it you know. It’s fine,” Jeremy reassured with a smile. You instantly wave him off with a laugh. “It’s only my nephew—he forces his dad to give him the phone around this time to call me,” you explain with a chuckle. “But it’s fine. I’ll call him back when I’m back home.”

“How old is he?”

“He turns seven in August—”

As Jeremy goes to respond, your phone rings again which makes the curly haired man laugh. “At this point you have to respond. Can’t keep little man waiting,” he mused.

With a playful roll of your eyes, you pick up your phone and accept the face time. As it finally connected, Jeremy couldn’t help but be mesmerized as he watched your reaction to greeting your nephew. The way your eyes lit up and the cutest smile adorned your features made his heart melt.

“Auntie Y/N!! I called you like three times!” the little boy’s exaggerated voice sounded through the speakers, causing you and Jeremy to laugh. “I wanted to tell you I got an A+ on my spelling test!”

Your grin widened, “that’s very good, Adam! I’m so proud of you!” you exclaim.

The little boy giggled before he looked closer at the screen and furrowed his brows. “Waaaaiiit…where are you?” he pouted, noticing the darker scenery and dim lights, and the fact that you were dressed up with makeup on, instead of home in your pjs.

You bit your lip and your gaze shifted over to Jeremy, seeing he had on an amused smile waiting to see how you’d respond. “I’m having dinner with a friend,” you respond, cheeks heating up. “Wanna say hi?”

You giggle as you watch Adam’s eyes go wide before he bashfully hid his face in his hand as you turn the camera towards Jeremy who grinned upon seeing the little boy.

“Hey little man! I’m Jeremy. How’s it going?” he mused.

His cheeks went red from shyness as he squeaked out a quiet ‘good.’

Jeremy knew if he wanted to impress you, he had to win over your nephew so he kept going. “Is that a soccer jersey you have on?”

At the talk of soccer, Adam’s eyes lit up in excitement. “Yeah! I had a game today!”

“Oh that’s so cool!” Jeremy exclaimed. “I’m more into basketball myself but soccer is cool too…maybe we can play together sometime?” he suggested, causing the boy to grin adorably and nod his head.

“Mind if your auntie calls you back later? We’re…” you watch as he dramatically leans closer to the phone screen and cups his hand up pretending to whisper. “I’ll tell you a lil secret…we’re on a date,” he exaggeratedly whispered. “Hoping she’ll be my girlfriend eventually,” he mused, causing your cheeks to flare up with heat. “But I gotta impress her on this date first.”

Adam went shy again as he nodded his head timidly. “I like you Mr. Jeremy…so okay,” he giggled. Jeremy bid his good bye to the boy before you retracted your arm to say good bye yourself.

“Bye habibi, I’ll talk to you later okay?” you confirm. “Love you, bye.” You end the call and look up at Jeremy with the widest grin.

“You're cute and good with kids?” you ask playfully. “And to think I thought I was gonna get stood up by you.”

“Won’t have to worry about that with me,” he mused, sending a wink your way. “What did that mean by the way?” he asked. “The word you called him when you were saying bye.”

“Oh habibi?” you asked, your demeanour now shy. “It just basically means ‘my love’ in arabic...I don’t speak the language much but a few words sneak out here and there,” you explain.

Jeremy grinned at your explanation before he leaned back in his chair comfortably. “I like that...to be honest—I like the way you say it more. It’s quite...exotic.”

“Oh my god! Don’t ever say that again!” you laughed, shaking your head. Jeremy giggled at your reaction before he leaned in closer to you once more.

“So...you know about me...my passion for basketball and the way I hustle...so what’s up with you?” he mused in question.

You merely shrugged. “Not much to know...I work at a Sephora.”

Jeremy nodded. “You close to your family?”

“That’s...” you take in a breath. “A complicated answer,” you admit to him shamefully. “My brother, he’s two years older than I am--he got his college girlfriend pregnant in his first year and of course that fucked up the whole family dynamic because how could my perfect brother be so careless...but he and the girl managed to work things out up until she gave birth and when Adam was two months she gave up completely and gave up all her rights and literally disappeared off of the face of the earth.”

Jeremy showed that he was listening intently and urged you to continue. “So my brother was gonna drop out, but he had worked so hard to get into UCLA so I ended up deferring going to college myself and stayed home with Adam...but one year led to another and another and I just never got to it,” you chuckled sadly. “My brother graduated, got a big tech job in Silicon Valley and got married to the perfect girl and had another kid and like...I know I should happy for him for escaping that cycle he could’ve gotten into as a drop out single dad but...it just sucks cos they moved hours away and my parents now think I did nothing with my life,” you shrugged, fiddling with the rings on your finger.

Jeremy reached across the table to take on of your hands into his. “Have you ever considered going back to school?”

“College, never. Can’t afford it...I’ve been thinking of community college but...I don’t know if I’m mentally prepared to start studying again after so many years outta the game,” you laughed. “So here I am instead working shifts at Sephora and going to silly little pick up games where I meet cute endearing guys.”

“Ima ignore the fact that you said guys as a plural and focus on the fact that you called me cute and endearing.”

You grinned, “whatever floats your boat.”

[ramspatula]

Zinnias | Lloyd Garmadon x reader | Part 6

Homeless, forced to leave the city but not alone

Previous part, Master list, Next Part

I came to a realisation as I let Lloyd lead me to the top of this skyscraper. I trusted him too much. That and he was the only thing stopping these stone warriors from killing me. He seemed to be the only thing stopping them, I could see how the other ninjas rendered useless at the seemingly impenetrable opponents. I thought they had powers? Why was Lloyd the only one using powers? How have I ended up in two situations like this in the span of 2 days?! A tug and my body colliding with another as a sword just missed me gave me my answer. I looked up to my green saviour, who looked down to check on me before leading me into the building where everyone was running up the stairs.

“Go! I’ll be up there soon!” Lloyd told me.

“But-“ He shook his head.

“No. I’ll be okay, I’ll see you soon. Just get to the roof and make sure you get on the bounty.” Lloyd told me, I looked up at the stairs but I refused to let go of his hand as I turned back around to look into his eyes.

“Lloyd, please-“ I wanted him to come up with me now.

“Ease my conscious, please, Y/n.” Something glitched, I didn’t care what. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. I couldn’t believe I could leave him like this.

“I will come straight back down if you’re not up there within the next 5 minutes.” I told him and he nodded, I kissed the cheek of the mask before running up the stairs.

These stairs seemed to go on forever, I heard someone collapse and I turned to see an elderly woman. Against my better judgment, I ran to her and helped her up. I put one of her arms around my shoulders and held most of her weight. She thanked me endlessly as we made our way up these stairs. I was trying to be quick until I saw Jay grab the woman’s other arm and wrap it around his shoulders and together we charged up the stairs. Another women, younger, ran to the elderly woman and took her off us. I could now see how many people were trying to get onto the bounty, which was a flying ship.

“I don’t think everyone is going to fit.” I said to Jay who was next to me.

“They will, we’ll make sure of it. The bounty is tougher than she looks and bigger.” He was right. It was a lot wider than it looked. I ended up next to Kai who had a hand on his com which was in his ear.

“Everyone is on board, including Peach, waiting for Green and Misako.” He said and I couldn’t hear if anyone responded.

“Where is he?” I asked, not wanting to wait any longer.

“On his way, a satchel that has all the final battle scrolls got caught on something and they had to retrieve it. They’re on their way now.” Kai tried to calm me. It didn’t work.

“We need to get this thing moving, and soon!” Cole called out, the civilians nodded and agreement was heard.

“Not until those two are on board!” Wu and I finally agreed on something for once. It wasn’t long until we saw them emerge from the stair well. Lloyd boosted his mother or board and I watched as multiple stone warriors infiltrated the roof and tried to attack the thrusters. Lloyd looked directly in my eyes before fighting the stone warriors and getting rid of the one attacking the thrusters. We began to steer off and I felt my heart drop. We couldn’t just be leaving him? I heard Misako calling out for her son who used a stone warrior to jump on and then leap towards the bounty. Barely making it and clinging onto the side, he pulled himself on board. I’d never been so full of relief.

🪺. *. ⋆

We were in the air for an hour before we landed. That whole time I couldn’t hug or even interact with Lloyd in order to avoid suspicion. Jay told me that to which I almost yelled at him when he immediately walked away after that. When everyone had got off at and the ninja confirmed no one else was on board, I found Lloyd below deck who had just took his mask off.

“Did I scare you?” He asked and I hit his arm to which he giggled. I clung to him after and relished in the way his arms closed around me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to actually make you worry.” He apologised and I held him tighter.

“I thought you weren’t going to make it then.” I said and Lloyd leant his head atop of mine.

“Well I did and I’m here.” He told me, I tried to look up at him, making him move his head off mine. He knew what I wanted. Thats how we stood for a moment, in the hallway, stuck to each other like glue. Kissing like we needed each other. I was starting to believe we did. It’s almost how Lloyd spoke about how he felt. Through affection and touch, I knew he didn’t know how to communicate his feelings. It seemed like affection and any intimacy filled a hole in Lloyd he didn’t know how to fill on his own. He knew what to say to assure others but not himself. “This might be wrong to say, but I think I need you.” Lloyd said and I smiled.

“You need me? I think I need you?” I said and he smiled.

“I think we need each other.” He told me and I played with the ends of his hair that brushed the back of his neck.

“You do more for me than I do for you. That much is obvious now.” I said, he frowned.

“You make me feel human again. You remind me that I’m Lloyd, not the green ninja. I think you might be crazy. Picking me over the green ninja when you had the choice?” He said and I laughed.

“I liked the nice boy I met over the green saviour who saved me. Greenie was funny but Lloyd makes me feel warm. Like it’s worth it. That’s not a feeling that you just come across.” I said and he kissed me again.

“That alone does more for me than picking up a sword and fighting for me ever would.” Lloyd said, the smile on my face wouldn’t leave.

“Can we go on a date after this?” I asked and he laughed.

“Of course.” He told me. “What do you want to do?” Lloyd asked and I paused in thought.

“I don’t know, just like some cheap place and then we do something fun after.” I said and he laughed.

“Well we don’t have to wait for the date for the fun stuff. Unless you want me to be a true gentlemen?” He asked and I laughed.

“I think we’re past that.” I said and he shrugged.

“Worth asking.” Lloyd said and I laughed again.

“You’re amazing.” I told him and he shook his head.

“You can’t say that to me when you’re looking up at me like that.” He warned and I smiled.

“Surely someone tells you it.” I said and his face told me otherwise. “Lloyd Garmadon, you are amazing.” I told him and his smile that reminded me of a child getting praised almost made tears spring to my eyes which almost poured out when he hugged me and rested his head atop mine again. “I’ve got it so lucky with you.” I told him to which he didn’t move. I swayed us gently. It wasn’t until he pulled us into a separate room and after a few confusing moments did I hear Kai and Jay walking past. Lloyd sunk against the door, tears were in his eyes. My heart broke for him.

I slid between Lloyd’s legs, he let me sit between them with my back to his chest. His arms fell back around me. His head fell to my neck where the now scar was.

“You smell really good.” He said, his voice sounded weak.

“It’s okay if it’s all just hit you.” I said and he shook his head.

“It’s not that… I have to fight him.” Lloyd said like it was a realisation.

“Your Dad?” I asked and he nodded.

“I have to fight and win which means I probably need to kill him.” Lloyd told me and I shook my head.

“Not necessarily! And even if so, you’re doing it because you have to. Not because you want to. Fate is cruel, fuck it.” I said and he smiled.

“You shouldn’t say that, they don’t like it.” He told me and I shrugged.

“I don’t care what they like, not when it hurts you.” I told him and he sighed.

“I am the green ninja.” He told me and I shook my head.

“You’re Lloyd.” I told him and he smiled.

“I’m getting confused. I’m both.” Lloyd told me and I smiled.

“Well I love Lloyd so you have to be Lloyd.” I told him and he smiled, holding me tighter.

“I’m Lloyd then.” He told me and I smiled, kissing his cheek.

“Good, Greenie is my homeboy so-“ he started laughing and sat up, resting his head against the door.

“I don’t have to worry about you and this homeboy, do I?” He asked and I pretended to be in thought.

“I don’t know something about masked men in green really gets me-“ He squeezed me and I yelped before laughing.

“It’ll be okay, you’ll be okay. Just do what you have to do and win, okay?” I told Lloyd who nodded.

“Will you be okay?” He asked and I smiled.

“Me? I’ll be more than okay. You should worry for how well I’m doing.” I said and he smiled.

“Seriously, I don’t know how long I’m probably going to be gone for.” Lloyd said and I frowned.

“Gone? I’m coming with.” I said and immediately shook his head.

“No. That’s a horrible idea.” He told me and I shook my head.

“You can’t stop me.” I told him, standing up.

“I can and I will!” He told me, I shook my head.

“I don’t exactly have somewhere to stay anyway! And you need me.” I said, he look bewildered.

“Exactly! I need you- alive! And stay at the monastery!” He told me, I sighed.

“On my own?! No thanks.” I told him as we now made our way down the hall. We ran into Cole.

“You’ll need masks on up there, we’re currently sitting ducks until Nya and Jay can get the thrusters working again.” He told me, handing me some form on ninja mask.

“Thanks!” I said, putting it on.

“They need you out there, big guy. There’s some heavy lifting that needs doing and I still have no powers.” Cole told Lloyd who nodded.

“I’ll be out there in a minute.” Lloyd said before turning to me. “You’re not coming with us to find my Dad, it’s not safe.” He continued, I rolled my eyes.

“I’ll be fine, I want to see what’s going on outside. I thought we’d already be up by now.” I said and he looked around like he was going crazy.

“Can you not hear me-?! You’re not coming, Y/n!” Half the hallway glitched and I turned to him to glare. These masks were surprisingly easy to breathe in. “Sorry- just… I can’t let you be in danger like that- I need a reason to come home. To fight for.” He told me and that made me pause.

“Lloyd-“ I started but was cut off.

“I’m afraid I must disagree with you, nephew.” A senior voice stated. I turned to see Wu making his way down the hallway with Misako by his side.

“What?” Lloyd asked, Wu’s eyes squinted a little as they stared at each other.

“I think it is best that ‘Peach’ accompany us.” He stated and I felt a triumphant feeling consume me whilst Lloyd’s heart dropped beside me.

“No-!” He immediately objected.

“I have already made the decision.” Wu stated, much to his nephew’s dread. “It is no secret that since Peach has entered your life, you are a new man. Focused, confident and alert. This secureness she instils in you, nephew, is exactly what you need to be able to take down this evil in your father and win the final battle.” Wu said and I almost felt like I was getting credit for something I didn’t do.

“Uncle, please- I don’t want her in harm’s way. She’s not trained or a ninja and she can’t control her power- how can she protect herself against whatever my father will be sending our way?” Lloyd asked, and it was a good argument.

“From what I’ve seen, she is quite capable of handling herself. Her powers seem to be quite active and protective. They are not of elemental origin, that unpredictability might prove useful in our ventures.” Wu told Lloyd who shook his head in disbelief.

“I can’t believe this.” Lloyd said and Misako jumped in.

“Control your temper, son. Your father will be sure to exploit it if not.” Probably the wrong person to be trying to lecture him. I felt like I was in the middle of everything even though they were arguing over me.

“I guess you’re coming then.” Lloyd said, annoyed. I didn’t know what to say back. I had gone against him and now everyone was against him.

“I didn’t mean-“ he was already heading up to the deck.

“Give him time, he is awfully protective of you.” Misako said and I nodded, pushing back the and though that crossed my head and asked if she even knew her son well enough to make that judgement of him.

“Thanks, I’m going to somewhere I’m not bothering anyone for a minute.” I said and turned away, I ignored how I made a door glitch off its hinges.

🪺. *. ⋆

After about an hour of sitting in a silent room and being filled with self-deprecating thoughts. I noticed that there was no roar of thrusters or movement at all. The ship was perfectly still and considering all passengers had been unloaded almost 2 hours ago, this was concerning because it meant we were still around those who had been evacuated. I thought we’d of left by now. And well, I had enough of being curious so I forced myself off the ground and headed towards the stairs to the main deck. My entrance went mainly unnoticed until I gathered the courage to voice my concerns.

“Why are we still on the ground?” I asked, seeing the huddle outside. Lloyd dropped part of a massive thruster. I didn’t realise how big those thrusters were. Were we in a fight? Or was he just annoyed?

“Those stone warriors managed to jam a couple swords and other things, mainly metal, into some of the thrusters which melted meaning different parts of our thrusters are now one big heroes mess so until we can replace them, we’re sitting ducks.” Nya complained, wrench in hand which probably proved useless now.

“What are we supposed to do now?! We have to get to the dark island somehow.” Kai complained and I frowned.

“I’m not even sure that’s a good idea, we couldn’t do shit to those things- why do we want to go to an island full of them?!” Cole asked and he had a good point to be fair.

“It’s true, my powers only slowed them down.” Lloyd added.

“Sorry but we’re not in much look of our defences are the green ninja who can only slow them and Peach who can beat them but not on command.” Nya said and they all sighed.

“The bounty is a ship right?” I asked, they nodded.

“We fixed her into a flying ship when we first found her, quite the technological advancement if I do say so myself.” Jay tapped the side of the bounty.

“If the bounty is a ship, why don’t we just sail it?” I asked and they looked at me with blank stairs until Nya hit herself in the head, almost catching herself with her wrench.

“It’s a boat!” She exclaimed as if I hadn’t just said that.

“We’ve never sailed her before, who knows if she could even hold up in water?” Cole stated and Kai shrugged.

“She was a ship, that was shipwrecked when we found her. She’s clearly been out in the sea before and she’s definitely a lot more tougher now.” Kai added.

“The correct proportions as well considering how effortlessly she flew.” Zane added and I frowned, did this much consideration need to go into the fact that a ship sails on water.

“So we’re sailing?” I asked and Nya nodded.

“We’re sailing!” She exclaimed. “We just needs to get her into the water first.” She exclaimed in a way that made you think the water ninja was going to get the water to come up and push the boat into water considering we’re right next to the ocean. “We need a dock.” She said. Why did everything that made sense to do, not happen?

🪺. *. ⋆

“Are you mad at me?” I asked, I’d been watching Lloyd run around doing things for 10 minutes now. Currently, he was hauling the anchor back up after testing that it still worked and was heavy enough.

“Mad at you? No. Mad that I’m not being listened to? Yes.” He told me and I looked up at him. He wasn’t looking at me.

“Seems like you’re mad at me.” I said and he sighed, setting the anchor back in place.

“You’re not listening to me.” He said and I sighed. Who let this man be sassier than me?

“I’m sorry but you look too good right now for me to fully be able to pay attention to whatever is coming out your mouth. Do you arms always look that big or-?” He turned to me, a small smile on his face.

“You’re already trouble.” Lloyd told me and I grinned.

“But look how focused you are!” I teased and he laughed, pulling me in close to him.

“Oh im so focused.” He said and I let him kiss me briefly before both smiling in our position. “What was I doing again?” He questioned and I laughed.

“Not her. Help us push this boat into water.” Kai’s voice cut in and I laughed, he rolled his eyes.

“Am I forgiven?” I asked and he smiled.

“I suppose.” He said and kissed me one last time before pulling down his mask and jumping off the side of the bounty to where Kai had disappeared to. That was hot.

🪺. *. ⋆

They got the bounty into the water safely, it was right next to a dock and that’s when I noticed Zane and Cole were back with many bags.

“Spare gis, clothes, everything that you guys put in your emergency bags! Peach, I don’t have a clue what you’re going to do.” Cole said and began hauling the bags onto the deck.

“Oh no, looks like she has to go home.” Lloyd said and I shoved him playfully.

“I’ll let you know when it’s rebuilt.” I shot back and he held his hands up.

“I’ve got spare clothes on the bounty from when we lived on it, they’re up for grabs.” Nya said instead and I nodded in thanks.

“Thank you, my stuff is currently sitting under rubble or halfway across ninjago on someone else’s back.” I reminded them and Cole’s face seemed to fall.

“What are you going to do about your whole living situation?” Jay asked and I shrugged.

“There’s a few shelters I know of. Maybe they’ll give me some sort of hand out or a different place to go.” I said and they looked at me weirdly.

“Shelter?” Kai asked.

“Why can’t you go home- to your parents?” Nya asked instead.

“I haven’t spoke to my mother for like 4 months, haven’t seen any of my family in 4 years and we don’t get along.” I told them.

“They won’t take you in?!” Cole asked, I shrugged.

“They probably would, I’m just not willing to put myself through that.” I said and they frowned. “They’re also not a big fan of the Peach thing.” I explained, they nodded.

“Do they know about your powers?” Kai asked, I shook my head.

“No. I think they’d never talk to me again, so feel free to tell them!” I joked but no one laughed, Lloyd let out a little chuckle but I think it was more at my attempt to lighten the mood. “They’ll know about my school though so I should probably expect a call sometime soon.” I said and they looked between each other before at Lloyd. “A part from that, I think I’m homeless.” I said, it hadn’t really set in yet.

“We’ll find somewhere for you to go- that isn’t some unsafe shelter.” Lloyd said, sure of himself and I smiled and nodded in thanks.

“No need for all this. Peach shall reside with us for as long as she needs.” Wu said, informing everyone of his presence. “In case you haven’t noticed, she is already making some valuable improvements to the teams. That being common sense.” He said as he walked away, I think he was referring to the fact I said a ship can sail.

“He’s a big fan of you.” Jay said and I shrugged.

“I must have some kind of charm with this family.” I said and Lloyd smirked before wrapping his arm around me and guiding me onto the bounty with his bag in hand. Lloyd’s clothes will be good too, I will definitely be wearing some of them.

🪺. *. ⋆

I did have charm with his family. I made Misako laugh so hard she almost spit out her tea onto her scrolls because I mispronounced a word. It was a tough word. And it was long. I even tried sounding it out in my head first. Turns out it was a name for some ancient tea pot. Wu spoke to me endlessly about the 4 golden weapons and the actual prophecy of the green ninja. I held onto each and every one of his words, even when he cut himself off to tell one the ninja to fix their form. We’d only been on the water for a couple days and yet I felt so close to the group already. Even if the group in question spent at least an hour a day standing on their hands whilst balancing an object. Not one of their bodies even shook lightly. I don’t think my body could survive a 2 minute plank without shaking like washing machine with a brick in it. That’s currently how we were, me and Wu sat drinking tea whilst he retells stories of his past ventures and tales of the first spinjitsu master, his father. The ninjas eyes were shut with most their faces holding focused expressions, Lloyd’s eyebrows were creased. He wasn’t meditating, he was overthinking.

“-the key to knowing when you have reached your true potential, is to have a sharp mind. Any of my students will tell you so. There are many teachings I can share with my students but they mean naught when they forget who they are or what they fight for. Do you know the best way to defeat your enemy?” Wu asked and I smiled.

“To be their friend.” I said and he smiled I heard the ninjas groan and share bewildered expressions. Thats the first time they’ve broken meditation the whole time I’ve been here.

“How?!” Jay asked.

“How does your mind even go there?!” Cole asked.

“Even if you defeat an enemy in combat they’re still your enemy. So there’s two ways to have no enemy at all, they die or you make them your friend. Your friends aren’t your enemies and if they are then they aren’t your friends.” I explained and Wu smiled.

“That’s the riddle I gave the ninja when we first took Lloyd in… when he was nothing more than a troubled boy in a skeleton hoodie.” Wu said and Lloyd smiled.

“That’s the day I learnt never to trust a snake.” Lloyd said and I smiled. The ninjas focussed back up and went back into meditation.

“Nephew, you may end your mediation and join us. The rest of you, for your disruption, another hour.” The ninja protested again as Lloyd got back on his feet and headed over.

“Do your hands go numb?” I asked and he smiled as he sat down next to me.

“Not anymore.” Lloyd said and poured his own cup of tea.

“I tried meditating once, not like that, Pearl called me a hippie and I haven’t meditated since.” I said Lloyd laughed.

“We meditate everyday, it helps to keep our emotions regulated so we stay focused in combat.” Lloyd explained.

“How did you find your mediation?” Wu asked and I paused, trying to remember how it felt.

“Weird. I didn’t exactly get the stress relief I wanted but I think that had more to do with the building full of students than the meditation itself.” I said and Wu nodded.

“Living with students can bring many deals of stress.” He said and Lloyd smiled as the other ninja fought their impulsive need to defend themselves.

“You should try again, with us, you’ll probably have better results.” Lloyd suggested and I nodded.

“I can’t stand on my hands for very long if at all anymore.” I said he smiled.

“Not on your hands, just traditional sitting down meditation with some breathing exercises.” He told me and I shrugged.

“Okay but you have to coach me through it.” I said and he smiled.

“I’m not near a master yet but I can walk you through basic meditation.” Lloyd said to which his Uncle nodded.

“Once you’ve mastered meditation, ninjitsu training will come much easier.” My eyes widened. What did that old man just say?

“Me? A ninja?” I asked and Wu nodded, I looked to Lloyd who just looked more stressed.

“If you wish to become one but ninjistu training on its own accompanied by your powers ensure protection. It’s foolish to assume that having these powers will not also bring danger.” Oh. Okay. I liked it better when Wu was freaking out the ninja and not me.

“Wow. Thats a big thing isn’t it?” I asked and Lloyd nodded.

“Knowing how to defend yourself isn’t the worst idea, especially if you’re with me.” Lloyd said and I nodded.

“You’re right… I’m going inside for a bit. I want to watch a rerun of that weird space movie you have on tape.” I said and Lloyd smiled.

“Have fun, I’ll probably join you.” He said and I smiled and held onto his hand for as long as I could before having to let go.

“The ninja will be on their hands for another 50 minutes, I suggest you make use of the limited free time you have.” Wu said and Lloyd frowned.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Lloyd asked and Wu looked ahead at the other ninja.

“48 minutes.” Wu said instead and Lloyd rushed to his feet.

I was warm. Lloyd’s body was incredibly warm. If I didn’t know him, I’d think he was getting sick. Lloyd let me know that we had about 45 minutes to ourselves and after some time enjoying that fact, we now had 20 minutes to just rest. So my head lay against his chest with half my body sprawled on his as we sat in silence. I traced his bare chest with one finger and listened to his breathing start to even out.

“You’re going to send me to sleep doing that.” Lloyd said and I smiled.

“Good, you need some.” I said and he chuckled, brushing back some wet hair from his face.

“Don’t tell my Uncle this, but I’m glad you’re here. I don’t think I’d be this relaxed without you.” Lloyd said and I let his hand take mine and begin playing with my fingers.

“I’m glad I can be of some help, even if I’m here just to ease my own conscious.” I said and he laughed.

“You do know you’re not coming on the next one though?” Lloyd said and I frowned.

“If you’re leaving for a while I am.” I said. “What would you do without me?” I asked and he sighed.

“I don’t know, stress about you. Just less than I would if you were near the action.” Lloyd said and I smiled up at him. “On this mission- You’re just coming with us, okay? You’re not going near my dad or any of his goons.” Lloyd said and I smiled.

“Are you telling me to not run into potential death with those stone things or your father? Because I can do that.” I said and he laughed.

“That is exactly what I’m telling you.” Lloyd said and I smiled, leaning into him. Suddenly I could hear the patter of rain.

“Is it raining?” I asked and he grinned.

“Yep, and the others still have to be on their hands for 15 minutes.” Lloyd said with a big smile and I laughed before the ship rocked to the side suddenly and I looked at Lloyd alarmed. The rain got significantly heavier after this. A sudden burst of thunder sounded on the deck and I couldn’t help the way I jumped out of shock. Less than 5 minutes later we heard ninja yelling.

“I think we should get dressed and head up there.” I told him and he nodded.

It was raining for sure and Lloyd raced out to help his family. I didn’t dare step out into the rain considering how unsteady the boat was. Jay joined me in hanging back as the others held onto the rope that was keeping the sail hoisted.

“Why don’t you help them?!” I questioned and Jay looked embarrassed.

“I don’t have another pair of underwear.” He admitted and I frowned. Before I could properly questioned him, some star fish looking thing jumped on board by my foot. I looked up to see more of them appearing.

“What are these things?!” Cole exclaimed, kicking one off. Kai picked up one and threw it off board.

“I don’t know but if these things manage to get on us we’re going to look like Y/n after Lloyd discovered what a hickey was.” A bucket flung itself into the side of Kai’s head, by my hand not my power.

“To scoop the fish off the ship. They’re eating through the ship if you haven’t noticed!” I told him. And one glitched away from me after it tried to jump at me.

“You’re not improving the mood as much as I thought you would!” Kai yelled back at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I thought ninja had more common sense!” I counter-argued and he flipped me off.

“You’re dating Lloyd! How did you get that idea?!” Kai said and Lloyd smacked him up the back of his head.

“Now is not the time.” Lloyd told him and Kai rubbed his head before grabbing onto the rope again. Jay was forced to go help out considering the others had to try and keep these star things off the boat.

“Star Teeth! Thats what these are and they won’t stop until we have no ship- you have to get them off board!” Misako ran out from the bounty and I shrugged.

“I think we figured that one out.” I told her as I picked up one and chucked it over.

But it was impossible to keep all those star teeth off and we ended up with a ship that was on the verge of sinking. We were also stuck with using buckets to try and drain the ship of excess water. It was amazing we were even still afloat. We were all wet and cold. I was shivering badly, no matter how I tried to hide it by throwing water back into the ocean with a bucket, it was obvious. I would be surprised if I wasn’t ill after this. At the call of my name, I turned to see Lloyd at the top of the stairs to the lower deck and I nodded.

When I got to the top of the stairs, he began filling me in on what was being said about our situation at sea. I nodded, clenching my jaw tightly to try and avoid my teeth chattering. He frowned when he next looked me over. His hair had dried but mine was still damp and heavy. Lloyd raised his hand to hold my cheek causing my face to instantly relax and my teeth began to chatter. He frown deepened and suddenly the palm I was leaning against was oh so warm, I gasped and leaned into it.

“You’re still so cold,” He stated, concerned. I nodded and Lloyd brought me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me. He was so warm. I clung to him, desperately. His head nestled itself in my hair. “Your hair is damp too- you’re going to get sick-“ He fussed and I squeezed him a little.

“You don’t need to worry so much. We’re all cold and wet.” I said and Lloyd shook his head.

“That’s different, we’re conditioned to endure all kinds of states. You spend your time holed up in your dorm room or robbing small stores.” He said and I gasped.

“Hey! I wasnt holed up in that dorm room alone, I think I’ve proven I can handle quite a lot.” I said and he laughed.

“That you have, however, survival doesn’t rely on that. It just enhances it.” He winked and it was my turn to laugh. Then someone called out his name and he sighed before going to let go of me but I held tighter.

“They can wait.” I told him and Lloyd laughed before grabbing my hands that were gripping the back of his gi and brining them in front of us.

“Come on, we’ll go together.” He told me and I grinned.

I expected a lecture of some sort. Instead, we were greeted with the view of a watch tower like lighthouse on a rocky island. Ninja being ninja, docked the ship and headed straight to the door.

“Do we just knock?” I asked and Jay took my words quite literally and knocked. The camera above the door looked down at us, I gave it a little wave but Lloyd just took my hand and put it down. I frowned at him.

“Waving is offensive in some cultures.” He told me and I looked at him weirdly.

“Waving?!” I questioned and he nodded.

“I wish I was lying.” He said and the door was thrown open and an old man appeared. That was not what I was expecting.

“Zane!” I wasn’t expecting that either. The man threw himself onto the nindroid and held him tightly, tears fell from his eyes as he held the man.

“Father…” Zane answered and my eyes widened. What a twist. They separated and stared at each other for a moment. “I thought you were-“

“Dead? I was for a moment.” Oh, it gets better.

“What happened?” Zane asked and an unsettling noise interrupted the man before he could answer.

“Let’s take this inside.” The man told us and quickly ushered us inside, taking one last precautious look out before slamming the door shut and bolting it excessively shut.

[artiststarme]

What If Steve Were To Leave Hawkins? Part 13

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

This was a really long chapter lol! We’re almost at the end for this fic, probably a few more parts and then I’ll start posting what I have for the next story. I hope you enjoy this and if you have any ideas for the upcoming parts, let me know!

~*~*~*~

Later that day, Steve sent Eddie to pick up carry-out from his favorite Chinese restaurant a few blocks over. He was bursting at the seams to check in on Robin and update her on his happiness. She was working the night shift at Family Video and he knew from his own past experience that it would be a slow day so there wouldn’t be too many interruptions. 

With a peck to the lips, he shoved Eddie out the door and grabbed the phone in a single movement. 

“Family Video, this is Robin speaking. How can I help you?”

“Hey Robin, it’s Steve,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He had so much to say and so little time before Eddie got back with their food.

“Steve! How are you? How’s Eddie? You haven’t called since I last saw you so I wouldn’t know. What if you were dead in a ditch and Eddie was wanted for murder again, huh? Who would tell me? That’s why you need to call.” She rambled in obvious distress. 

Steve’s brow furrowed in confusion, “How would I call you if I was dead in a ditch? I’d be dead. And I haven’t been murdered yet so I think I’m good, I obviously have a good track record.”

“What? Why did you say ‘yet’? Do not jinx yourself, Steve. If you end up murdered because of that statement, I will find a way to bring you back just to kill you myself. You’re not allowed to die, Dingus,” Robin asserted. 

“Okay!” Steve breathed through a laugh. “I won’t get murdered. At least not before I ask Eddie to move in with me.”

“What?!” Robin shrieked. “Why didn’t you lead with that, you dingus? You just started talking again and now you want him to move in? I think that might be moving a little fast. Like, no offense, but are you even gay?”

Steve hummed and scratched his chin, “I’m bisexual, everybody knows that. And I’m dating Eddie now, he’s my boyfriend. I really like having him around and I know he doesn’t like it much in Hawkins. Do you think he would say yes?”

“Okay, we’ll come back to that later. I can guarantee that not everybody knows that, Steve.  But I know he’ll say yes. He’s liked you for months even though the idiot refused to use his words to talk to you about it. I’m worried that he’ll steal my best friend roommate privileges when you ask him though,” Robin said, more serious and comforting than Steve has heard from her since their last encounter with the Upside Down. 

He thought about her words for a moment before speaking. Best friend roommate privileges? “Wait, what? Why would Eddie steal your roommate privileges? Are you planning on moving?”

Robin giggled dorkily into the phone, “My acceptance letter from University of Illinois came yesterday. I’ve been accepted into UIC! And I know a certain dingus lives really close to the campus and might hopefully be on the market for a roommate.”

“Robin, that’s amazing! Congratulations! Yeah, I’d love to get a place with you. We could get a two bedroom and ask Eddie to move in too!” Steve started thinking about the idea in excitement before his insecurities caught up to him once more. “Wait, but what if Eddie doesn’t want to move in with me? I mean, I know I’m great in small doses but I know I irritate people if I’m around too much.”

“What?” Steve heard outside of the phone’s receiver. When he looked up, Eddie was toeing his combat boots off by the door. “Steve, I want to be around you all the time. I think you’re amazing. I was worried to ask if I could stay because I know I’m annoying and I didn’t want you to get sick of me.”

Steve was in shock. How could anyone be annoyed with any of Eddie’s antics? Anytime he thrummed his fingers against the counter, stuck his tongue out of his mouth, or rambled on about DnD, Steve fell more in love with him. “No Eds, I could never get sick of you! I find all of your habits hot as hell. I’d love for you to move in with Robin and I at our new two bedroom apartment. You’ll have to bunk with Robin though.”

Eddie let out a loud guffaw at his words. He had tears in his eyes as he grabbed Steve’s face and ran his thumb along the light stubble on his jaw. “Jesus Christ Stevie, I love you so much.” 

And with that, he planted a bruising kiss on Steve’s eager mouth. He would’ve taken it further had Robin not been a cockblock that decided to cough (i.e. hack) into the phone. “Excuse me! Be mindful of the lesbian ears, please. My god, you guys are ridiculous and living with you is going to be unbearable. I can't wait! It’ll be so much better than the dorms!”

Steve laughed in her ear, “We can’t wait to live with you either! We’ll start looking for some vacancies around here in the paper to see if we can get a good deal. When do you want to move out?”

“As soon as possible,” Robin groaned. “Both of my parents are talking about trying to set me up with local guys and I need to leave before I accidentally out myself or something. Find something quickly and I’ll start packing tonight.”

“If you’re really worried about your parents, you can stay in my living room here for a while until we find a new place. Eddie and I have to head back to Hawkins to pick up his van and pack up his room. Sometime next week probably, on my next day off. Will that be enough time for you?” Steve asked. She was his best friend and he had more than enough experience with shitty parents to sympathize with her. If she wanted to get out early, he’d make that happen for her.  

“I’ll be ready. School starts next month anyways so I should probably move to the area and find another job. Thanks Steve, and Eddie too I guess. Is he still there?”

Steve looked over to Eddie sitting at the small dining room table. He had noodles dripping down his chin and his wide eyes trained directly on Steve’s ass. He snorted, “no, he’s eating our dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll work out the details, okay?”

She agreed and they both quickly said their goodbyes. Steve had Chinese lo mein and more importantly, a very sexy boyfriend to attend to. 

~*~*~*~

Roughly thirty minutes after she and Steve had ended their call, Robin noticed Dustin walking up to the door of Family Video. She rarely saw just one kid, usually they traveled in hordes. But today, Dustin was all by his lonesome and was stomping alongside his bike with a dejected expression marring his face. She almost felt worry for the kid but that quickly melted into annoyance when he lugged his bike through the doors with him. 

“Hey! Leave that outside, I have to clean these floors. I don’t want you trekking a bunch of dirt in,” She said with a tone full of judgment. 

Dustin turned back around and set his old bike to rest against the outside wall before heading straight to the counter and resting his arms on the surface. “Have you heard from Steve or Eddie lately?

She sighed, “yeah, I just got off the phone with him. Why?”

He pinched his nose in a manner he adopted from Steve and mumbled, “I haven’t talked to him since he left. I just want to know if he’s okay.”

Robin was shocked. She had no idea why Steve wouldn’t have called to speak to or even just to check in on Dustin, the kid he viewed as a surrogate little brother. It hasn’t come up in their conversations but she had assumed that everything was back to normal between Steve and the others. 

“Yeah, he’s fine. I don’t know why he hasn’t called you but he’s coming back to town next week to help Eddie and I pack so you’ll be able to see him then.” She assured him. 

Unfortunately, her words did not have the soothing effect she was going for and caused Dustin’s neck to snap back so quickly in surprise, he may have gotten whiplash. “You’re leaving now? Why? What did I do to you?!” Dustin exclaimed in shock. 

Robin looked absolutely perplexed, “what do you mean? You didn’t do anything to me. I just got my acceptance letter from the University of Illinois and Steve said we could get a place together in Chicago.”

Dustin’s eyes welled with tears, “He’s in Chicago?”

“Yeah, him and Eddie. After he comes back to help us pack all of our stuff up, we’re all going to get a place. It’ll be so much better than the dorms. And we can still come back and visit! Steve says it’s only a four hour drive! Eddie says he’s going to come back every so often to visit Wayne. We’ll still be around,” She reassured. 

Dustin looked absolutely heartbroken, “What do you mean pack all of your stuff? Wayne said Eddie was just taking some time to himself, now he’s not coming back? Does Wayne even know? I feel like that’s something he should discuss with him!”

“Hey! Dustin, listen, Chicago is not that far away. I’ll be busy with classes and work and Steve will have work too, maybe Eddie, but we’ll make time to visit you and the other kids. You don’t have to worry about us. I mean, I know the Upside Down is like completely gone but just in case, we’re not going super far. We’ll still be here if you need us,” Robin rambled. She saw the tears dripping down his face and tried to reel them back in but nothing was helping. Oh god, she was not the one that should be comforting him. Every word she said caused his lip to quiver more. Oh god. Shit, should she call Nancy or something?

Dustin’s emotions reached their limit and he burst into sobs. First Steve, then Eddie, and now Robin. Did he have to tempt fate and push all of his older friends to want to leave the state? Chicago?! Might as well be a different planet for all the good it did him. He had a bike, how the hell was he supposed to visit them when they were four hours away and across state lines? His shoulders shook as the sobs ripped their way through his chest. His breath left his chest in short pants and no air was entering his lungs. 

“Oh no, oh no, Dustin. Oh no, oh god, shit. Um, Dustin, I think you’re having a panic attack and I don’t know what to do with that. Um, take a deep breath and think happy thoughts. You’ll be fine! Oh god, please don’t die. Steve would never forgive me. Wait, I shouldn’t talk about dying, that’ll freak you out now! Oh no, breathe!” Robin’s pleas became more frantic as Dustin’s breath got less and less steady. “I’m going to call Steve. He’ll know what to do, right? Let’s hope!”

She ran from her spot next to Dustin on the floor to the phone situated behind the counter and dialed his new number. “Come on Steve, pick up, pick up…”

“Harrington and Munson residence.”

“Oh thank god. Dingus! Dustin is having a panic attack and I need you to calm him down. He’s freaking out and it’s freaking me out and-”

“Dustin? Okay, give him the phone. Calm down, Robs,” Steve softened his voice and started speaking to Dustin once he heard the labored breathing through the line. 

“Hey Dustin, it’s Steve. I need you to focus on your breathing, okay? Take deep breaths and focus on your chest moving up and down. Okay? You’re doing great. You just have to calm down a little bit more,” Steve could hear his breathing becoming more regular and kept up his reassurances. “Dustin, everything is fine. You’re alright. What happened, buddy? What caused that?”

Dustin sniffled, “Everyone is leaving. You left and I couldn’t talk to you. Then Eddie left after we had a fight and I couldn’t apologize. And now Robin is leaving! Is it because of me?”

“Of course not! I left because my parents didn’t want me around anymore and I didn’t think anyone else did either. So, I left and I found a place that I really like. Eddie hasn’t been happy for a long time in Hawkins and that’s not on you either. And Robin is going to school. You can’t blame yourself man. You didn’t do anything to force us to leave, you do owe Eddie an apology though for what you told him. That was a real dick thing to say, Henderson. But, we’re not leaving because of you. We're just growing up and leaving home,” Steve explained calmly in a tone he only reserved for the kids.

“And you’re coming next week to help them pack, right? Can I see you then? I’ve really missed having my big brother around.” Dustin whispered vulnerably into the phone. 

“Of course! I’ll take you out to ice cream or something while Eddie whispers sweet nothings to his guitar or whatever else musicians do. Just stay calm and I’ll see you then, okay?” Steve promised him.

“Okay! I’ll see you then!” With that, Dustin handed the phone back to Robin and practically skipped out to his bike. He felt like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders. Steve was coming to see him next week and he didn’t hold any resentment for him. Phew, what a relief. He was still leaving town but at least now Dustin knew that they would stay in touch. That was all he could ask for and all he really needed.

Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20: Epilogue

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[stilespeters]

SALVATION (series)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6)

pairing: colin zabel x reader

a/n: this chapter is longer, idk if people still read it but imma put it out here

summary: you and colin go undercover to gather information about the hotel cortez, crucial information is revealed, and you two are only steps away from figuring out who the killer is

words: 3484

warnings: swearing?

part 5: Mr and Mrs Zabel

The grand door opened as the two of you walked in. There was a line of people who were dressed fancy just like you and Colin, and Colin had his arm out for you to grab. You were close to his side as you watched everything around you, and you felt like you were in a building that was built in the 20’s as you stood in the lobby. The whole theme of the building was red, gold and brown. It looked nothing like the Hotel Nixon you used to know. It looked refreshing. “This is beautiful,” you mused and Colin nodded in agreement. “Beautiful indeed.”

He was looking at you as he said that but you didn’t notice.

After a few minutes, you had reached the end of the line and a man in a suit greeted the two of you “Name please,” He held a list in his hands and you and Colin eyed each other. It must be the guestlist with all the people who were invited. You needed to get that guestlist. The man raised his eyebrows and you cleared your throat.

“Y/n Goode, this is…” you started and Colin smiled. “This is my plus one.”

Colin’s smile dropped. You regretted saying that he was your plus one instead of your date. Your hold on his arm tightened and the man scanned the names till he reached the G. “You may continue, have a lovely evening.”

You nodded a thank you to the man and you and Colin walked further. Although Colin was kind of disappointed you didn’t mention him as date, he put it aside. There was probably a reason for it. Maybe it was his brain convincing him that he wasn’t the reason you called him a plus one. But he genuinely believed that if he played it cool with you, he might have a shot. He couldn’t be the only one to feel the attraction between you and him? Right?

When you entered the next room it looked like you were in heaven. Again, it had the same theme and style of the entrance, and you and Colin looked around in awe. “Can’t believe they renovated everything.”

“Didn’t it always look like this before?”

“It most surely did not. Hotel Nixon looked more of our time, Cortez looks like it’s pulled out of a 20’s film. It’s giving me Rudolph Valentino vibes.” You looked at the men in suits and women in fancy dresses. The jazz music filled your ears and even though the whole scenery was quite foreign to you, you were intrigued. James March certainly had good taste. “Here used to be the check-in.” you motioned at the right side where now a couch stood.

“I was kinda scared that I’d get a weird feeling being here again, but now that I am, it feels exhilarating.”

A man with champagne glasses walked around and you and Colin both grabbed a glass. You saw a lot of older people around 40-50 and there were a lot of younger women who accompanied older men. You and Colin really stood out. Not only because of your wine red dress, but also because of your and his age.

You and Colin stood somewhere in the center of the room and you thought back to the scene where Colin looked kinda scared while talking to Violet.

“What did she say? Violet? She didn't scare you, did she?”

Colin looked down at you and cleared his throat. “Nothing, really. Just… she said to have fun tonight.”

“Hmm.” you mused and you narrowed your eyes. You weren't dumb, you knew Violet had said something different to him.

Before you could question further, someone clinked on a glass. As the sound echoed throughout the room, everyone who was talking went quiet as they looked at the person who made the noise.

It was James Patrick March himself.

“I’d like to welcome you all to the opening week of the Hotel Cortez!” Lots of applause came from the crowd that had gathered around, and you watched in intrigue as he continued talking. “It took a while but I can say with delight that everything went according to plan. I have great faith in the future of the Hotel Cortez, and to that I say toast!” He cheered and he grabbed a champagne bottle. As he opened the cork, foam spilled from the bottle like a fountain and he opened his mouth as the white foamy liquid hit his throat. “Ah!” he mused and everyone else clinked their glasses of champagne and cheered him on.

You noticed that he was looking around till his eyes landed on you. He gave you a smile and Colin next to you eyed him suspiciously. He pulled you a little closer to him just the slightest and you both drank the champagne. When you scanned the whole room, you felt like another set of eyes were looking at you. It wasn’t only James and Colin. As your eyes wandered around you settled on a man who was eyeing you from across the room.

You recognized him as the man who greeted you at the lobby with the guest list, and as he saw you looking back at him, he quickly looked away.

Colin saw your attention was elsewhere and he leaned down to whisper in your ear. “You okay?” His breath fanned over your earshell and you got shivers down your spine.

“Yeah I’m fine,” you looked back at Colin and took another sip of your champagne.

--

“So, how are we getting the list?” You went straight to the subject as the two of you were sitting at the bar. After James’ announcement, everyone went back to talking to each other and showing off how rich they were. Another reason why you initially didn't want to go. You were simply not like them. Yes, you had money but these were businessmen and businesswomen who owned companies with great value.

You felt more eyes on you as you sipped your champagne. You felt a bit uncomfortable at that, and so did Colin. He saw the way the men were eyeing you, and he couldn’t help but feel a pinch of jealousy.

He felt like it wasn’t right that he felt like that. You two haven’t even known each other for that long. But you were with him. Not anyone else.

“We can try and steal it when they’re not watching,” he began. He didn’t think of how to get that invitation, all he knew was that he was gonna get it somehow. He knew that if he would say that he was a detective and needed to see that list, that the employees of the hotel would know he’s onto them. Colin believed that the Hotel Cortez played a bigger role than just sending invitations to people who were gonna be victims. If they knew that he was here for the case, they could wipe away evidence.

It was too risky to just ask for it. It was better to go undercover. Now, they didn't suspect anything. Colin inteded to keep it that way.

“I have an idea,” you suddenly spoke up and Colin looked intrigued. “The man who let us in and greeted us at the beginning keeps staring at me. He was the one who had the guestlist. Maybe if I flirt with him, he might be distracted so I can take the list.”

“No.”

“Colin, it could actually work. I mean, I’m awkward around guys but I do know how to flirt,” Colin didn't look happy at that but he tried to conceal it with a pokerface. “It doesn't mean anything, besides how else should we get the list? We can't just sneak up on him. This is our chance.”

“I don't like that idea, he’s like 30 years older than you.” His voice was more laced with worry than jealousy. He genuinely cared about you and he knew what kind of people were on this earth, he had seen enough to know how cruel some people are. It was his job. He knew that you were your own person and made your own decisions, but he wanted you to be safe. This all is worth nothing if you were at risk of getting hurt.

However, he trusted you, and he wasn't dumb. He knew that there was no way to get that list without either asking for it as a detective -which blows his cover, or you flirting with the man to get it. He turned to look at the man who was now staring at the wall, and Colin clenched his jaw. “How do you plan on getting the list by flirting with him?”

“I’ll find a way, trust me.” You said and Colin pressed his lips into a thin line. “I trust you, it’s just… Be safe, okay? I don’t know you that long but I do know that I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Right back at you, detective Zabel. And don’t worry, I’m always careful.”

You smiled at him one more time before turning around to face the man, but you were met with a vacant spot. The man had walked away. Your eyes darted around the room and you could see him walk around the corner.

As you walked after him you only managed to make it to the other side of the room. A figure suddenly stood in front of you and you stared up at him. It was James Patrick March. He thought you looked absolutely gorgeous.

“Good evening,” he started “Enjoy the party so far?”

You looked at him and nodded. “Yeah, I uh I love what you did to the hotel. The whole style is so unique, it’s like entering a time machine.”

“Thank you, I myself am a fan of the 20’s style. The structure of the Nixon Hotel was the perfect vision of the Hotel Cortez. As for the style, my father hated the 20’s style. It’s one of the main reasons why I began to love it so much. I renovated every nook and cranny of the hotel, except for the upstairs suite.”

“Really?” You smiled. When you were little and your parents were at the hotel, you were almost always in the suite. You were pretending to be a princess locked up in a tower and you remembered trying on your mom’s dresses and her heels and make up. You were dancing around the so called tower and you were pretending that a handsome prince was gonna save you. However, eventually you changed that story in your head once you realized you never wanted to leave that tower. It was your safe place. While you were there you wanted time to stop, you wanted to feel joyful like that forever. You wanted to live the fantasy forever, instead of getting dragged into reality. You had fond memories of the place, and when James mentioned it was still the exact same, you had a short trip down memory lane. “I used to go there all the time, you haven’t changed it?”

“Other than the curtains, it’s still the same,” James smiled widely. “You can visit as much as you’d like.”

The corners of your lips curled up, and your eyes lit up. “Thank you, that’s really sweet of you. I might in the future.”

You could see an undertone of flirting, although it could also be his charisma. He was a neat man, very posh. You hadn't spoken to him in a long while. It was probably just his character to flirt with everyone. You didn’t know that Colin was still in your previous spot, and when he saw that James had approached you, he walked to you.

“Hello honey,” Colin was at your side and eyed the man in front of you. He placed an arm around you waist. “Mr March.” He gave James a nod. You couldn’t help but notice the corner of James’ lips twitch just the slightest.

“Ah,” James slurred out the words. “You must be the detective I presume.”

“Yes indeed.” Colin had a smile on his face. “I like the theme of the party, and I like that you stay in character, I like the voice,” Colin patted James’ back. “Are you supposed to be Clark Gable?”

“No.” James said dead serious. After a silence that was a bit too long to ignore, Colin scraped his throat and decided to change the subject. “So, what compelled you to buy the Hotel Nixon?”

“I’ve had it all once. Fortune, fame, but nothing satisfied.” He pressed his lips in a thin line “That’s when I saw the Hotel Nixon, and I knew that this was destiny. I knew that this was what I was supposed to do”

“You’re a believer?” You questioned.

“I’m an atheist dear, not stupid. However I do believe in fate. When I signed the papers, I knew that this was where I’m supposed to be.” He continued. “My father, however, was a true believer. Ate a little cracker, drank the wine every sunday. And he was the meanest son of a bitch you’d ever seen.” James let out a sigh and gritted his teeth. “Killed a cat for purring too loud.” He cleared his throat “Anyway, I don’t mean to drag you along a trip down memory lane.”

James turned to look at Colin. “May I ask if you are any closer to solving the recent murders? It’s such a shame that this beautiful town is the target of a deranged killer. Those poor people who got stabbed surely deserved better.”

“I can’t tell you that, sorry. We’re doing everything we can in our power to catch the killer.”

“Good.” It was obvious that Colin didn't want to give more information. You could feel him tense and his grip on your waist tightened the slightest bit. Colin may not show it, but he didn't like James at all.

“James,” a voice spoke up from behind him. “Can you come here for a second?”

“I’m coming, Iris.” James diverted his attention back to you and Colin.

“Very well then,” he held out his hand for Colin to shake. He then grabbed your hand delicately and leaned in to give the back of your hand a kiss. “I’m most delighted that you showed up. It was nice to see you again in better circumstances this time, Miss Goode. You’re always welcome here. Stay forever if you’d like.”

“I shall visit sometime,” you smiled through gritted teeth. Something was off about him. You couldn’t place your finger on it, but the man gave you weird vibes. Sure, he looked decent. His perfectly styled slicked back hair and groomed mustache made him look decent. And he was definitely the epitome of charming. But you knew that looks were easy to deceive, you had learned that with Kai.

Before he walked away, you spoke up. You still had a job to do, that’s the whole reason why you and Colin were here. “Mr March?”

“Mhmm?”

He turned around. “The man, the one who welcomed everyone. Do you know where he stays?” You asked him and James looked up for a few seconds. “Ah, Nick Pryor. Good fella, May I ask why you want to know that?’

“I just uhh… need to return something quick.” You plastered a smile on your face. “He stays in room 53.”

“Thank you, Mr March.”

“Please call me James, dearest.”

“Thank you, James.”

James nodded once before turning around to walk away, and once his body disappeared behind the wall, your smile dropped. You turned to look at Colin.

“So we’re both thinking the same thing?”

“Yeah,” Colin muttered. “I don’t like him.”

“Me neither. There is something off about him.”

“How did he know the recent couple was stabbed?” He questioned aloud. “That was information we didn’t tell the public yet.” You got chills along your spine when he mentioned that, and you scooted a little closer to Colin.

“So we definitely know that James is involved in this somehow. It doesn’t mean that he is the killer, but it does mean that he knows more than he lets on.”

“You’re right.” Colin said and you rubbed your temples. “This got me fucked up, it feels like I’m in a movie or something. How are you able to do this on a daily basis?”

“If I can help give families closure then all of this is worth it,” he started “If there is a chance I can help in any way possible, I will try and help. I don't do it to feel better about myself, I just want justice for those poor souls.”

“You’re a good person, Detective.” you gave him a smile. “Now let’s get this list and figure out who the next target is, before we’re too late. I’ll go to room 53 and try to distract him.”

“Alright, in the meantime I’ll look around to see if there is anything suspicious in the hotel. There has to be some sort of physical evidence.”

“Okay, I’ll call you when I get the list.”

Before you could walk away, he grabbed your hand and pulled you back. His touch was like velvet silk and you looked at your intertwined hands.

Even though he only knew you for a few days. He felt drawn to you, you had this aura that attracted him. He was intoxicated by your presence and he somehow felt like he knew you for years.

That's the reason why he wanted you to be safe. He trusted you, yes. It were others that he didn't trust.

“Please, Y/n. I know you can handle yourself but I… I…” he didn't finish his sentence. “Just be careful, not everyone is as nice as they seem."

“I know, I’ll be careful.” you gave him a smile, a smile he adores. “You too, stay safe.”

Colin nodded “I will. See you soon.”

As you entered the elevator to the fifth floor, you couldn't help but feel nervous. You were about to get the list, but your mind couldn't stop thinking about the things that could go wrong. What if he was indeed a creep? What if he knows why you're here and alerts James? What if you can't get the list? Was everything for nothing if that happened?

When you wanted to overthink more, a beep was heard which indicated that you reached the fifth floor. You inhaled deeply and told yourself it was going to be okay. Snap out of it.

Everything was still styled the same way as in the lobby, and everything smelled fresh. It smelled new, like leather.

You walked down the hall, counting all the numbers and it felt like you were in a maze. Everything looked the same, and the only thing that indicated that you weren't walking around in circles, were the numbers of the rooms. After minutes of searching, you came to the right rooms.

50, 51, 52, 53

You saw that the door was ajar, and as you walked as quiet as possible, you pushed it open slightly. You didn't want to barge in, you were just gonna make a conversation with the man, and so you were careful to not raise any alarms.

As the whole room was in your view, you saw clothing on the bed, and someone was standing in the middle of the room with their back turned against you. The person was dancing, swaying their hips and when the door inevitably creaked from you pushing it open, the person in the room turned around and your eyes widened. It was the man with the guestlist, however he didn't wear the suit he wore before. He was now dressed in a fur jacket and white silk.

“What are you doing here?” He said nervously. “Get out. Get out of my room. This isn’t what it look like!”

You puzzled two and two together, and now you finally understood why he kept looking at you. It wasn't because he was ogling you like the other men in the lobby, but because he was admiring you.

“Ever since I walked into the lobby, you couldn't keep your eyes off of me,” you walked closer to him and he froze in his spot. "I wondered why, but I think I know now." you sat on his bed and he looked at you wide eyed.

“You dress like a man, walk like a man, but you smell like a woman.”

“It’s Paco Robanne.” he had teary eyes and his voice was dry.

"I know, love. You're a woman with taste." he let out a breath he’d held in for so many years. The weight that laid on his shoulders was heavy, and he felt like it was unbearable. But as you placed a hand on his chest and gave him a smile, he let it all out. All these years he had belittled himself and he felt like he was worthless. He felt like he was trapped in a cage while he wanted to be free. You could never understand what he’s been going through exactly, but you did recognize the struggles.

“Oh my god.” His shoulders lumped and he took a hold of your arm. He fell to his knees, holding your arm and you watched him as he did so.

“You’re so, you’re so beautiful.”

“Why do you cry, love.”

He looked down while tears streamed down his face “I’m so ugly.”

“No, you don't lack beauty. You lack commitment.”

“Let me help you.” He shook his head. To that, you rested your palm on his jaw. You were initially here for the list, but you wanted to help truly. It looked like times were rough for him.

“Become who you were born to be, a goddess.” You reached your fingers to the underside of his chin and lifted him up. At first he seemed hesitant, but after a while, he nodded and you gave him a hug. A hug that she needed, and had been needing for a long time.

--

You placed her in a chair and you did her make up. You wanted her to know how beautiful she was.

“What’s your name.”

“Well… Nick Pryor.”

“No, with that white slip and shame-wrapping fur, I christen you Liz Taylor.” Liz smiled and gasped in awe as you spun the chair for her. You had always liked to do make up, and so, after only 15 minutes you were done. When she saw the make up on her face, she grabbed your hand and squeezed it. As fast as it came, it disappeared however and her eyes went wide.

“I can’t go out like this.”

You rubbed the back of her hand and smiled “Oh honey, goddesses don't speak in whispers, they scream.”

“No, no, I'm sorry.” She stammered and you sighed. “okay, so were not ready to scream, how about a little something to warm up the pipes?" She looked at you with fear in her eyes but you could see that she had a glint of hope. She wasn't ready to fully open herself to the world, but that was okay. Baby steps.

"How about you go fetch us some ice?"

"I can't, maybe there are people in the halls-"

"-They are like 60, they can't talk. And if they do, I'll kick their ass, honestly. You are gorgeous, let them talk. In the end of the day, they're the ones hiding behind a mask, not you." Liz chuckled and you rubbed her shoulders comfortingly. She hesitated before speaking. "Okay, I'll do it. I'm gonna do it."

She stood up, and she grabbed your hands and squeezed them. "Thank you so much, I feel so... so free."

You had tears in your eyes when you saw how happy she was, and you smiled. Even though you hadn't known her at all, you felt a connection. She had a pure heart, and the world was just too cruel to her. So cruel, that she had to hide in her shell, while she's a beautiful butterfly. Now was her time to shine and open her wings. "You got this, Liz."

She gave you one last hug before grabbing the bucket and walking to the door. She exhaled and inhaled a few times before opening the door and sticking her head out. She then walked into the hall.

You sighed and you say back on her bed. Your social battery was runnig low, and you felt like curling up in a warm bed. As your eyes closed, you fantasized about sleeping, getting swept away to dreamland, only this time you were hugging something else than a pillow.

This time in your fantasy, you were hugging a detective. Detective Zabel. The moment you saw him you thought he was attractive, but the random talks you had yesterday after discussing the Cortez ordeal, made you like him even more. Just the small mannerisms and the way he talked about zucchini made you laugh harder than you ever had in a long time. The way he cared about you even though you knew him for a few days. The way he truly listened to you in the bar. He just hsd this aura that attracted you to him. You didn't know why you said he was your plus one instead of your date. You were just kind of... scared. It all moves a bit too fast, you liked Colin too much to screw it up.

Speaking of, you should probably look for the guest list and call Colin.

You got up, walked to the one cabinet that stood against the wall and searched in the drawers. It was wrong to snoop in Liz's room, but this actually depended on life or death. People's lives were at stake. You saw her leave with it in her hands, so it couldn't be far.

Luckily it didn't take long for you to find the list, and when you saw it, you smiled widely. It felt great to get closer and closer to solving the case. You searched for the "I" and you saw loads of crosses next to people's name. However, when you finger lowered and lowered, it stopped at one name. Someone who didn't have a cross next to their name. Which meant that they didn't show up. Every other person with an I as last name hsd a cross next to their name, except 1.

--

“Colin!” You screamed and Colin immediately stopped in his tracks. You had your phone against your ear as you rushed through the halls of the Cortez. Your dress and heels were bothering you when you ran, but it was the least of your worries at the moment. “Y/n? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No, everything is fine, I just- I know who the next target is.”

“You saw the list?”

“Yeah, I’m on the second floor,”

“So am I.” Just as he said that, his figure appeared from behind the bordeaux walls, and you both stood in front of each other, about 5 meters away as you both lowered your phones.

You had the list in your hands and you then both ran towards each other to meet each other in the middle. You stopped in front of him and you were catching your breath. Your hands were placed on your knees and you breathed heavily “I know who the next victim will be.”

“Who?”

“Alma,” you said “Alma Irwin.”

[itwaslegendary]

okay here comes a LONGGGGG post about my experience at eras 🫶

———

we arrived yesterday. today in the morning i went have breakfast (a shake and some crepes) and then i went back to the hotel with my friend to get dressed up. after that we went grab the metro to the santiago bernabeu stop because it’s the closest one to the stadium.

when we got down and saw the stadium for the first time (well- second for me) we started freaking out because we were SO CLOSE to actually being IN there.

we first went check out the merch stores, at first i wasn’t going to buy anything but i ended up deciding to get the blue crewneck :,) afterwards we went look for a place to eat. i had a plate of pasta.

then we took some pictures outside (there was an eras tour film poster!!) and during the hour we had until our doors opened we decided to go trade bracelets. my friend ran out of them but because i was a beast and made 60 for 1 night i still have a few left.

i swear to god everyone was SO NICE, which was so refreshing because i’m used to the people in my school which are the closest thing to demons tbh. plus after having been bullied and excluded from all kinds of hangouts it felt so beautiful to feel included and see everyone so warming and friendly. 😭 if i could live at a taylor swift concert i would.

16:00 came and we decided to join our queue because even thought we had assigned seats we wanted to go in asap ! at first i was worried because i had a portable battery and i thought they’d throw it but ig the guard didn’t see it because we got in without any problem! by 16:20 we were in :D

our section was right in front of us but we wanted to check where the bathroom was first. the “field” is not closed so you could kinda see the stage and GUYS we freaked out again because there’s no way to describe what you feel when you see the eras tour stage for the first time because it means you’re THERE. that this is happening and you’re actually going to see taylor perform a 3 hour and a half show with all her eras (except debut but that’s a topic for another day). that the day you’ve been waiting for for so long has finally come. 😭

we talked a lot with a girl in front of us and the two beside us (the seats next to me were empty until way after paramore finished) and they were super nice, we love them 🫶 we traded some other bracelets and took some photos

then paramore came out and hayley was SO GOOD!!!! while they’re not my favorite band they were soooo fun and i knew some songs so i sang along :,) however i was sweating so much and i also needed to go to the bathroom because i had drunk like 5 bottles of water because it was HOT and also i was afraid of dehydration lol. so i had to miss 2 songs so i could go refresh myself.

we kept waiting and here i got mad because after paramore my friend said “i’m going to the bathroom” and i was like ok sure. 20 minutes went by and she was still not here so i got scared thinking i’d lost her, so i went find her…. the minute i crossed the door in ha mood started playing and everyone screamed. my friend was in the queue all nice and was the next to go in, so i got back to our seats and asked one of the girls we’d befriended if the “cleaning cart” had come out and she said yes 😭 i had missed that moment but all fine

my friend came back during applause. the countdown started and we all FREAKED OUT X3 and started counting down screaming from 13 downwards. i filmed my reaction to the intro because while i had seen it a billion times already seeing it live feels SO DIFFERENT (but the video got cut the instant taylor appeared smh). i was trembling and almost crying, for some reason singing along to the intro like it was my job.

… SHE came out. we screamed cried probably fainted too and here i kinda lost myself because i just remember being so excited about the bodysuit (i love purple and the tassels JSKAJ) and thinking like “oh my god she’s there she’s actually there i am seeing her in person she’s so pretty what what wHAT” and screaming miss americana + cruel summer like it was my only purpose in this life.

the crowd was insanely loud so i decided to play it safe and put earplugs on and LORDDDD THE DIFFERENCE taylor sounded SO much better, like you could actually hear her voice clearly and neatly and i got out with no ringing or pain whatsoever. i could sing along quite loudly and perfectly fine without only hearing myself (i only took them out in very specific occasions like illicit affairs and the smallest man who ever lived)

she spoke to us in spanish too 😭 just a few words but “encantada de conoceros” “hola” "vamos!!" “bienvenidos a la eras tour” “muchas gracias” etc. told us how we were being sooo loud and probably the loudest crowd ever!!! she also said that we all made her feel at home here not only in the stadium but also outside <3 (ik she says more or less the same things in every country but shhhh)

the 22 hat kid was ADORABLE he was so excited to get the hat and the interaction was so cute overall <3 during all too well she stopped a second to say that we were singing sooo loud (which from what i’ve seen does not happen too often!) and that this is the loudest she has ever heard this song 💓

during reputation we screamed “in the middle of the night in madrid” andddd we believe that she may have sung it too during the last verse which would be INCREDIBLE and so iconic 😭

in folkmore there was an issue with her guitar (she did not explain what) but it got fixed super quickly. i love small mishaps like these because it makes her look more authentic (?), like closer to the public, makes the atmosphere kinda look like we are all friends in here and she’s just at a cafe with a friend chatting jksja.

she also had to stop twice; once during betty and another during august, because some people in GA needed help. she saw the flashlights and asked (in spanish) the guards and sanitary staff to help. it was so nice to see how much she cares for the safety of her crowds, like you could see during betty how her face changed to a soft expression once she's told that everything was okay 🤍 we also have to thank that the staff in our show was fast and did everything right :)

the champagne problems ovation was adorable, i love in general her reactions because that’s pookie right there. it’s so personal to me how she throws her arms around her head and laughs and says i love you thank you like a hundred times ugh i love her with my whole soul ☹️

1989 was soo fun! (i got the outfit right but wrong order 😭) but the bad blood fires were. pretty noticeable LMFKWOS it was already hot and with then the thing got much hotter but it cooled down quite fast.

TTPD OH MY GODDDDD it’s def my favorite set. loved the choreo the outfits the setlist EVERYTHINGGGGG. i screamed the the smallest man who ever lived sooo loud and the i can do it with a broken heart’s “intro” was so fun too ajdkaj. i loved so high school even if it was just 30 seconds jdka

THE. SURPRISE. SONGS. at first she started talking about how we have been supporting her since the beginning and we knew a debut song was coming. the jump then fall mashup was AWESOME it’s one of my faves from fearless and it fit so well 🫶

for the piano one she said nothing. she just sat and started playing. i knew that i recognized the song but i could not fully realize which song it was until she sang “i’m perfectly fine” and there i lost it. i went blank for 5 seconds and then just SCREAMEDDDDD those lyrics like my life depended on it. i will never hear these 3 songs the same way again 🥹

after those surprise songs i went blank again but this time because the visuals of lavender haze are so beautiful i had to record them. i had to sit down during mastermind because my feet were exhausted��� during karma i had a breakdown because it meant that the best day of my entire life was coming to an end, so i was singing along while crying like a little kid.

overall, i would repeat this a billion more times. it was the best night of my life and it has marked a before and after in my life (not exaggerating) and i hope i have the chance to experience these same feelings again for a future tour 🫶

[nicolewoo]

Super Earth

A one night stand?

Pairing: Roman Reigns x female reader.

Warning: none

I’d snuck out of his bed before he woke; only allowing myself one last glance before leaving his room. He was stunningly gorgeous! Tall Samoan, strong features surrounded by long dark hair, which had been in a bun when I met him. I’d enjoyed undoing his bun and running my fingers through his hair as he bit my neck.

I hesitated. He had been so sweet, so funny, so sexy; this one night stand. Yeah, there was sex, but not until after we’d been talking for hours. And after sex, we’d talked more, laughed more, relaxed more. He was hot for sure, but I’d developed a crush on him because of his brains, his heart.

I should never have spent the night. After the sex, before sleep….. that was my rule. Feelings developed during the intimate time between sex and sleep. I’d told myself not to stay, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t pull myself out of his arms. I didn’t want to.

I didn’t want to leave now, but I had to. My entire life would be a wreck if I didn’t go. People were relying on me. This man….. this stunningly beautiful man…. I could fall for this man. If I was being truthful I already did. I tried to will myself out of the room, but I couldn’t.

For a second, I was positive I’d leave him my number, but what would that do? I shipped out this afternoon. In a couple of days I’d be out of communication range, and I wouldn’t be back for at least a year.

TOI-1452b, or Super Earth as we’d nicknamed it, was a planet covered in water. Despite that, our colonists had managed to make a floating settlement. Fields of rice and seaweed and other water crops surrounding the edges of the settlement. The colonists had harnessed the movement of the ocean and used the tides to create energy. The colony was a success, and now it was my job to fly an international group of scientists to Super Earth, stay for 3 months and bring them home.

3 months on an alien planet far away from my cheating ex and both of our families, who complained incessantly about the money they’d spent on our “failed wedding”? Failed….. as if I’d done something wrong. I wasn’t the one who had a three way with strippers 2 days before our wedding.

The truth is, I was done. Done with men. Done with family….. “A year long adventure to an exciting new planet” my best friend had dubbed it, and it sounded like exactly what I needed. I basically got a three month vacation to explore a new world.

With one final exhale, I forced myself to leave his room. It was the right decision. It wasn’t fair to start a relationship and leave the next day.

If it was the right decision, why did I start crying when I got in my car?

I checked the time. 2 hours until I had to report to the base. 3 hours until the final medical checkup, and 5 hours to liftoff. Then I was free. So why did I keep picturing him? Smiling, laughing, sweet kisses, getting lost in his arms and eyes?

I shook it off, distracting myself with one last call to my parents. I Dialed the number before I started driving. It was awful. A ten minute mash up of complaining about how I was leaving behind an expensive disaster and sobbing uncontrollably about how their baby girl was going to die in space. Ugh!

Truthfully, the second I walked into the building, I felt like a weight had been lifted. “Captain Y/L/N” the young man behind the front desk said as he came around the counter to grab my bags. “Is this all Captain?” When I said yes, he told me that the bags would be waiting in my cabin.

The next hour was a blur of meetings with my crew and coordinating the equipment from the scientists and the supplies to go to the colony.

As expected, I aced my medical, and now it was time to meet with the scientists. Juggling the papers in my hand and trying to gracefully open the door with my keycard failed, and my papers ended up sprawled across the floor. My co-pilot Jamie was helping me pick them up when I saw him!!! Mr. Last night. Mr. Was-supposed-to-be-a -one-night-stand. I sat stunned as I picked up the page with his face on it. Dr. Roman Reigns. I scanned the page further: from the USA…. Studying the feasibility of growing tropical crops on Super Earth. Oh no! No No No No! This couldn’t be!

“Y/N?” Jamie asked as she handed me the rest of the papers. “Something wrong?”

I recovered my composure, hopefully fast enough that it didn’t seem suspicious. “Yeah!” I said standing. “Just thinking about my family.”

“They still riding your ass?” I nodded. “Shit. Sorry, but hey! One year away, and most of that will be out of communications range.” She chirped. “Good afternoon everyone.” Jamie said when we opened the door.

I didn’t even need to look. I could feel him in the room. He dominated the space, as I assumed he did everywhere he went. When my eyes met his, they found him as shocked as me. We stared too long at each other. Everyone else was settling in, but we just stared…. Equally surprised.

“Let’s get to it then.” Jamie said as the door closed behind us.

@mindofasagitarius @lclb13 @serenityfiretrash @lustyromantic @reigns-5sos @bigpsychicbagelauthor @omg-im-such-a-masochist @marlananicole @wickedsunfire @starwithaheart @spookys-girl @pitlissa22 @snowpanda18 @thesamoanqueen

@sassginaswanmills

[stitchkiss]

tell me a story about u

bestie you know more of my stories than anyone and you still want more?? i can’t believe you aren’t sick of them yet lmaoo. i’ll tell you a few from that liam-esque list i sent you a while back.

GATHER ROUND KIDS!! STORYTIME!!

story 1: idek when this was probably when i was like 13 but anyway we were gardening n shit and i was by all the tools takin a break bc i planted like 20 zucchini seeds (bad idea in hindsight all we ate that summer was zucchini) and i was tired. so i look down and there’s a garden hoe next to me and i’m getting flashbacks to my childhood when i watched tom and jerry obsessively and i think “huh. i wonder what would happen if i stepped on it” guess what happened. smacked me right in the face the second i stepped on it. blood went everywhere. face, clothes, tools, soil. brother is laughing. sister rushing for towels. mom making sure my nose wasn’t broken. dad wishing i was never born. my face messy with tears n blood n sweat. i consider this a win bc not only did i get to live out a childhood fantasy but i didn’t have to garden for the rest of the day!

story 2: i am. dumb. and impulsive. and i think movie magic applies to me. all this, but i’m 9 years old. we had just moved and a perk was that a golf cart came w the house. so when, for reasons i can’t remember, there was a dirt hill in my backyard i knew EXACTLY what to do with it bc i had just watched wreck it ralph AND played a mario kart tournament the night before so i know a ramp when i see one. see where im going w this? when i saw the dirt hill i got on the golf cart and fuckin floored it. the thing is, i didn’t know that the dirt wasn’t packed in, so it was too soft for the tires. i did not make it over. the cart tipped over and i fell out. it almost crushed me. the funniest part ab this is when my mom came over to check on me she was like “i saw you speed off and i KNEW what you were doing” i wasn’t allowed to try it again.

3. i had a goldfish named herbert. i won him at a festival when i was like 12 and he came in a plastic baggie like from finding nemo. so i brought him home and i quickly realized i had no place to put him bc he was my first (and only) fish. so i threw out these flowers my mom had in this really big vase and i put him in it instead. during this time i didnt have a phone bc i accidentally broke it a few days before when i was jump roping and had it in my pocket and it flew out. SO i didn’t know what to feed herbert bc no google and neither did anyone else and they didn’t want to help me raise my new son so i had to figure this out by myself. do you know what i fed him instead of fish food? ritz crackers. how tf was i supposed to know the salt from the crackers would kill him. the concept of “freshwater fish” eluded me at the time. i woke up the next day and he was floating at the top of the vase. but the worst part of this story? i was preparing a small, intimate funeral for herbert bc he deserved nothing less and i took him out of the vase and put him on a plate. then i left for like 5 minutes to make sure my brother and sister were going to be in attendance and to throw some rose petals in the toilet bc if i was gonna flush him it might as well be beautiful. but. when i went back to the kitchen to get herbert, my cat was eating him.

4. last story! my cousins and i are really close and we do this thing when all of us are available and we call it a version of guy’s grocery games based on who the judge is that night (we replace the g with our initial) where we each make food but change it up in a creative way. this time was pizza. i teamed up w one of my cousins and we decided to make a pizza based off the fast food chain raising canes. so we go to canes and order a bunch of chicken and fries and bread and we even got a cup full of canes sauce for $5 and we also bought a premade pizza dough. the pizza was DIVINE and i’d eat it again but be warned you need pepto bismal on hand if you eat it bc it’ll rly fuck up ur insides. but, even tho it was the best invention ever, we didn’t fucking win. what did we lose to, you ask? a ramen pizza. my brother and his gf made it w the recipe I SENT HIM!! but the thing is, this recipe called for soy sauce and my cousin is allergic to soy. my brother asked me for his allergy list in preparation and i forgot to put it on there. so my cousin was ab to take a bite when my brain connected the very very important dots and i smacked it out of his hand.

hope u enjoyed all that!!

[gojos-precious]

Pain

Summary: Courtney helps Dean. 

A/N: This is part 3 of the Singer series that I’ve been working on. I hope you enjoy and as always please be kind.

There were times that I hated hunting and this was one of them. I woke up at 5 o’clock this morning in mind-numbing pain. “Here we go again” I say to myself as I get up and try to get to the bathroom as fast as I can. I knew that it was coming based on how I’d been feeling the past few days, but I’m never prepared for how bad the pain is. Endometriosis was a bitch who had always managed to kick my ass better than any monster ever could. I was 16 when we figured out what it was and that there’s no cure. I’m 20 now and it still manages to take me out almost every time. I did what I needed to in the bathroom and got back in the bed and curled up into the fetal position. I was determined to stay there as long as I could but I knew I would have to get up eventually. Dean was coming to get me later today and we were going to drive to California to hopefully get Sam’s help. It’s been almost 2 years since he left for college and it’s been almost 2 years since any of us have heard from him. John had always kept tabs on him though, just to make sure he was safe. I was especially grateful for that. Which is why when Dean called yesterday asking for my help looking for John, I immediately agreed. John was always really good about checking in so I immediately knew that something had to be wrong when Dean said that he hadn’t heard from him in a few days. Even if me and John didn’t always get along, I was still going to be there for Dean.

 Bobby heard that I was awake and came to check on me. It’s unusual for me to be up this early so it made him concerned. When he came in and saw me curled up in the fetal position, he immediately knew what was wrong. He had lived with me long enough to know. He came to the side of the bed where I was and said “Hey kiddo, can I get you anything? Do you need me to call Dean and tell him you won’t be able to help him?” I sat up and rested against the headboard and said “Ibuprofen and a heating pad would be great. Don’t worry about calling Dean, I’m gonna suck it up and go.” Bobby just nodded and left to go grab the ibuprofen and a heating pad. He knew better than to try to convince me otherwise. There was no way I wasn’t going to help Dean. The fact that he called to ask for my help meant a lot. Dean had never really been one to ask for help like this. Sure, he would ask for help with research (because he hated doing it) but he rarely ever asked for help for something like this.

 When Dean came to pick me up, he immediately knew something was wrong as soon as he laid eyes on me. He had known me long enough that he could read me like a book. I was curled up on the couch when he came in and he said “Hey Court, you sure you’re okay to go with me? You don’t have to.” I sat up off the couch and carefully stretched and said “Yeah, I’m gonna be miserable wherever I am but at least if I go with you, I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile instead of just rotting away in my bed.” He nodded and went to grab my duffel bag and said “Fair enough. You can always lay down in the backseat if you need to.”  I carefully bent over and grabbed my backpack off the floor and walked over to where Bobby was standing by his desk and gave him a quick hug. After what happened with my dad, I always make sure to hug the people I love because I never know when it might be the last. Bobby walks us out to the salvage yard and says “You two be safe and please keep me updated.” I nod and give him one last hug before I crawl into the backseat of the Impala and try to get comfortable. It’s gonna be a long ride.

 I fell asleep not too long after we left Bobby’s and woke up about 4 hours later to Dean lightly tapping me on my knee and he said “Hey Court, I had to stop for gas, do you need anything?” I grumbled sleepily and started to sit up and said “Yeah, I need to pee. Where’s my backpack?” Dean reached across the front seat and grabbed it out of the floorboard and handed it to me and said “How are you feeling after your nap? You hungry?” I grabbed the backpack from him and started digging around for what I needed and said “I feel a little better. I’m actually starving though. Will you see if they have any of those breakfast burritos that I like while I’m in the bathroom?” He smiled as we both started to get out of the Impala and said “Sure thing! Anything else?” My face lit up and I said “Ooh! And a Dr.Pepper! Thanks!” And we both walked into the convenience store and went our separate ways. When I got done in the bathroom, I met him back at the Impala and climbed into the front seat and started rummaging through the bag from the store. “Dude, how many burritos did you get? There’s so many.” He shrugged and said “I got like 6 or 7. You said you were starving.” I laughed and immediately regretted it. Pain shot through me and it was enough to make me squeeze my eyes shut and clutch my stomach. Dean saw what happened and reached over into the glovebox and pulled out a big bottle of Ibuprofen and passed it to me and said “Here, I think it’s time for you to take more. It still hasn’t gotten any better has it?” I gratefully took it from him and said “I think it’s time too. No, it hasn’t gotten any better. Me and Bobby have been trying to find natural remedies and stuff but it seems to only help temporarily.” He just nodded and continued to focus on the road and I started opening up one of the burritos. The next few hours were spent catching each other up on things that had been happening in our lives. I had started solo hunting recently so we had a little more to bond over now. Me and Dean had always gotten along like brother and sister. He was like the older brother I never had. It was easy for me to be myself around him. Which is how he noticed that the closer we got to California, the more nervous I got. It had been so long since I had seen Sam. Would he even want to see me? I was pulled from my thoughts when Dean started talking to me. He said “I know you’re nervous to see him. If it makes you feel any better, I am too.” I just kind of nodded and started looking out the window before I said “What are we going to do if he won't help?” I was trying to avoid the conversation that I know Dean wanted to have. He’s been wanting to play matchmaker with us for years. He’s always noticed how I looked at Sam. I wasn’t ready to admit how I felt though. If I admitted it, then it could change everything. Especially if Sam didn’t feel the same. I wasn’t ready to deal with that. 

 It took us a little over a day to get to California. When we made it to Sam’s, Dean went into his apartment (or should I say, broke into his apartment) and I called Bobby to let him know we had made it. Dean was in there for what felt like forever. I eventually decided to get out of the Impala and stretch my legs. The fresh air helped to ease some of my nervous energy. I still didn’t really understand why I was so nervous. It’s Sam we’re talking about here. We grew up together. There’s no reason for me to be nervous, so why can’t I stop feeling this way? I’m pulled from my thoughts when I see Dean walking out of the apartment with Sam’s slightly taller frame following behind him. Apparently Dean hadn’t told Sam that I was with him because next thing I know Sam is running towards me and saying “Courtney! I didn’t know that you were here too!” I smile at him and say “Hi Sammy” and he pulls me in for a bone-crushing hug. I didn’t even care that it caused pain, it was Sam. I was just happy to be near him again. When he pulled away, he noticed that I winced and that I put my hand over my stomach and his face changed from one of happiness to one of concern. He put his hand on my shoulder and said “Courtney, are you okay? Did I do something?” I shrugged at him and said “Just the usual stuff. You didn’t do anything. I’m okay Sammy.” He pulled his hand away from my shoulder and rubbed the back of his head and said “You’re still dealing with all of that? I really thought it would’ve gotten better by now.” Dean spoke up from where he was standing behind Sam and said “Yeah, I think we all had been hoping it would get better.” I looked at the both of them and said “Yeah, Endo’s a bitch but it hasn’t killed me yet, so what do you say we get to work, yeah? I’d rather not focus on it.” They both nodded and we walked over to the trunk of the Impala, but I didn’t miss the look of concern that Sam had though. Dean wasted no time in filling Sam in on what had been happening with John. He had already filled me in on everything on the way here, so I went back to laying down in the backseat. I wasn’t trying to go to sleep. I just couldn’t stand up any longer. This is one of those times that I felt useless, but I was determined to help as much as I could. I could just faintly hear Sam talking to Dean, he was saying “Is she really okay? I’ve never seen her like this.” I wasn’t going to let them know that I could hear them just yet. I wanted to see what they were going to say. Dean started saying “I think she’s okay. She slept most of the way here which is definitely not like her. I think the Endo just wipes her out. I told her she didn’t have to come with me but she insisted and you know once Courtney has her mind set on something, you can’t talk her out of it. Even if she is in pain, she’d rather help than do nothing.” Hearing him say that made me smile. I had always been hard headed and they would never let me forget that. But it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

It didn’t take us too long to get to Jericho. We only had to stop once for gas (and to stock up on road snacks). I tried to sleep as much as I could because I had a feeling I was going to need all my strength for the day ahead. And I was right. The next few hours were rough, to say the least. As soon as we made it into Jericho, we came across an active crime scene and the boys decided to investigate it. I thought it would be suspicious if all three of us went, so I decided to stay put in the Impala. We found out there was a woman in white in Jericho, some chick named Constance Welch. That ghost bitch attacked us and tried to run us over after she took control of the Impala. Needless to say, Dean was pissed. He could care less that she tried to kill us, but she messed with his Baby. He was bound and determined to put her to rest now.

 It didn’t take much digging to find John’s hotel room and of course, he was nowhere to be found. But most of the answers we needed about Constance were there, all over the walls. You could definitely tell that a hunter had been there (or a crazy person). Everything moved really fast after we got to the hotel. Dean got arrested because of the fake police badges he and Sam had flashed earlier that day. Me and Sam were able to make it out and Sam made a fake 911 call so that Dean could make a break for it. While Dean was God knows where, me and Sam went to see if we could get anything from Constance’s husband, Joseph. Only thing we were able to find out was that it seemed as though they didn’t have the happiest of marriages, which fits the woman in white theory. We also found out from Joseph that she’s buried behind their old house, the same house where her children died. As soon as we got done talking to the husband, we started heading to their old house. We didn’t make it very far before she showed up in the Impala, right in the backseat, and it all went downhill from there. She proceeded to take over the Impala again and drive us straight to her house, all the while asking Sam to take her home. 

After we pulled into the dirt driveway she started muttering and saying “I can never go home.” It’s almost like she’s scared, but not of us. Sam looks over at me and we both realize what’s happening. I turn around and look at her and say “you’re scared to go home,” and next thing I know, I’m being thrown out of the Impala. I land on the dirt and the door to the Impala immediately shuts and locks. I get up and mutter a quiet “fuck” under my breath and I hear Sam start screaming. At this point I’m officially panicking. I had taken my pistol out of my waistband on the way here because it had been digging into my stomach and causing me even more pain than I was already in, so now I was left with no weapons. I’m just about to start banging on the windows when I see Dean running down the driveway and he yells at me to get down. He starts shooting through the window and she disappears. As soon as she no longer has control of the Impala, Sam starts it and drives it straight into the house. With no hesitation, me and Dean run into the house after them. Dean goes to pull Sam out of the car and I start looking around to see if I can see her anywhere. By the time I spot her, it’s too late. She flings a dresser at the three of us and pins us to the Impala with enough force to knock the wind out of me. Before I realize what’s happening, the ghosts of her children appear at the top of the staircase and then immediately at her side. They hug her and she starts screaming and then in a burst of flames, they’re all gone. The boys are now able to shove the dresser off the three of us and as soon as it’s off of me, I slide down the Impala onto the ground, clutching my stomach. Dean is the first to notice, Sam was too preoccupied with making sure she was actually gone. Dean puts his hand on my shoulder and says “Court, are you okay? What’s wrong? What hurts?” I turn to face him and say “I think I’m okay. Definitely gonna be bruised though. You better let me tell Bobby about this, he worries about me enough as it is.” I go to try to stand up and immediately buckle back over and decide to sit back down. Sam has walked back over to us by this point and he catches my arm as I buckle and he says “Woah, easy there. Just sit back down for a few more minutes.” I go to stand up again and say “No, I’m good. Just gotta take it slow. I’ve dealt with worse.” I slowly walk over to the dusty mirror that was hanging on the wall and lift up my shirt and see the black and blue bruises already forming. I winced as I put my shirt back down and walked back over to the boys. Dean was checking for any damage on his precious car and bitching at Sam. All I heard Dean say was “I’ll tell you another thing, if you screwed up my car, I’ll kill you.” I laughed and looked at Dean and said “Dude, you’re the one who just shot out the windows. At least Sam actually dealt with her.” Sam nudges my arm and holds his fist out for a fist bump, which I happily obliged. Dean throws his hands up and scoffs and says “Courtney, are you ever actually on my side?” I shrug and say “When you’re right.” This is what I’ve missed. The three of us joking around. Yeah, me and Dean joke around, but when the three of us are together, it’s 10 times better. The pain doesn’t matter anymore, not as long as I have my boys. 

@wdwmarveldisney​

[grisschlager]

Summer Event | Toru Oikawa x Reader

Warnings : Mention of alcohol (not for the students), a lot of nicknames

Part 1 (optional) Part 2 (optional)

The last day of school before summer break had let out. Mad dashes and people scrambling over one another echoed down every hall as everyone tried to be the first one out. I decided that I would not be suicidal today. The classroom is fine for another five minutes. It took someone’s squished up face ramming into the class’s door for me to take out my phone. I’m tuning all this out. Upon flashing my phone’s screen on, I took notice of all the messages decorating my notification wall. The Karasuno group chat, Oikawa, Lev, Bokuto, Kuroo, Iwa, Kenma… when did I give them my number? I decided to open up from bottom to top, starting with Kenma’s. It was simple, explaining that he got my number from Kuroo. I did not give Kuroo my number either. He then asked if I was going to the firework show. Ah, as if I had a choice. The volleyball clubs in a bunch of schools around had planned a summer break party, including fireworks, barbecue, and water-related activities. I texted back that I was going and I’d see him there. Now, time to interrogate Kuroo. Heading over to his message next, he said he got my number from Bokuto. Another guy I DIDN’T GIVE MY NUMBER TO. I sent him the affirmative that I was going to the event. Bokuto time. Same song and dance again, he got his information from Lev. How Lev got my number, beats the hell out of me. Send an affirmative and move to Lev. His came from Iwa, and we all know where Iwa got my number from. I’d deal with that boy later.

I stood from my desk, opening up the group chat and being greeted with an explosion of all-caps. Hinata, Tanaka, and Nishinoya were making outrageous plans for the cookout portion. Something about buying a bull. That’s not what I needed to read, though. I scrolled up to the best of my ability, skipping past the past 45 minutes of screaming, and finally reached the calm planning part. The team planned to meet up around five at night. Alright, that gives me a good… hour and a half! Plenty of ti- I have no yukatas… Alright a short shopping trip it is.

Yukata acquired! It was a black and red one with koi fish. Simple but still pretty. Okay, now it was time to go home. While walking home, I slipped out my phone. I unlocked it and caught up to the group chat. Daichi was chewing out the trio for suggesting using paint in the water balloons instead of water, and Oikawa had sent two messages. Gotta bite the bullet some time. I opened up Toru’s messages.

Milk Bread: I’ll be going to the firework show tonight ;)

When are you going? We should go together :o

Hellllooooo I know you’re seeing these! :&lt;

Iwa-Chan said you responded to him! :’(

&lt;;’D

What is wrong with this guy?

Me: I was just getting a yukata! Quit sending so many emojis!

Milk Bread: :P so we’re :l going together =-D right? >:>

Me: I regret giving you my number

Milk Bread: =3

Me: I’m meeting with the team at 5

Milk Bread: ^^

Me: Come on now Kawa use your big boy words

Milk Bread: &lt;3

Me: yeah that works &lt;3

Slipping my phone away with a playful grin, I entered a light jog back home, wanting to hurry just in case Toru pulled some of his magic and appeared at my doorstep in the next 10 minutes.

Using the next hour to my advantage, I donned my new yukata, brushed my messy hair aside and out of my face, clipped on fake paper earrings, and freshened up with varying vanity items. Checking the time, I saw it was just about the designated meeting time along with multiple texts that announced their arrival at the meeting spot. Grabbing my keys, phone, bag, and water, I was shooting out of the house.

“Woah, what’s the rush, Suteki-Chan?” Two giant hands clasped around my shoulders, bringing me to a harsh stop. Looking up at my entrapment, I was met with a sickly sweet smile, his hair curling upwards flawlessly. He may be beautiful and he may have just called me the cutest nickname ever, but I was not going to be late. I lifted my arms and grabbed his hands that were still resting on my shoulders.

“Come on, Toru.” I yanked forward, causing the boy, now behind me, to lose his balance and trip forward.

“I’m losing my sandal!”

“Tell it no!” I was not stopping. Not for anything. Unless Toru actually did lose his shoe. I can’t just let him be half-barefooted.

Not long after, and without sandal casualties, we made it to the team meetup spot. I, proudly, strolled over to the rest of my team, Toru still in tow.

“Y/N-Chan.” Toru pouted from behind me, “You could’ve given me a warning. Is my hair messed up?” I released the boy’s hands and turned around to give him an evaluation.

“Hmmmm… nope!” To further convince the upset setter, I gave the most comforting grin I could.

“You better be telling the truth…” Toru continued to pout, but reached his left hand to grab onto my right one.

“Y/N IS HERE!” Well, not anymore. The speed that Toru pulled his arm away had me concerned he’d pull a muscle. Mere seconds passed before Hinata was all over the scene.

“What’s Oikawa doing here again?!” Cue Toru’s fake smile.

“Believe it or not, Y/N’s my friend. Makes sense I’d want to go see fireworks with my friend, right?” Hinata nodded.

“Yeah! That makes sense.”

“Now that introductions are over, let’s get moving, yeah?” Coach Ukai suggested, clearly not wanting to be chaperone that night.

“Yes sir!” Taka and Noya bellowed, saluting. A tick of silence floated by before Hinata saluted along with the other two. Ukai responded with a drawn-out sigh and a pinch to his nose bridge. He began walking with a concerned Takeda following, causing everyone else to duckling behind.

“What’s his problem?” Toru leaned down to whisper at me after we were safely tucked in the back of the group. I turned my head to whisper back.

“I think he’s hungover.”

“Hungover?”

“They asked him to chaperone at the last minute. He ranted about it in his office.”

“How-How did you hear?” I sighed.

“I was just trying to ask him for the storage key.” Toru’s gaze held great concern. “Don’t worry, he’s just going to be snappy. Me and Noya call him turtle.” Oikawa said nothing in return, instead opting to rest his fingers right below my elbow.

“Your team is weird.” A playful tone, a teasing smirk, and the soft tickle cascading down my arm let me know that he meant that in the best way. No reason to let him off the hook, though.

“Ah, rude. So I’m weird too?” A chuckle surrendered out of the boy’s chest, the tickle down my arm worming its way into my hand’s grasp.

“You’re the weirdest one.” I used the hand he wasn’t holding to flick his chest.

“That why you get along with me so well?”

“Hah… Shut up.” Toru gave my hand a squeeze, not too hard to be harsh, but definitely not lovingly soft either. I was glad Toru was going to the occasion, of course the rest of Aoba Johsai was going, but Toru was going with me! I was looking forward to spending quality time with him, we hadn’t had much of that since he snuck into training camp that one time. We also hadn’t really gotten much of a chance to talk about our future, or about us. The talk was for sure coming, but golly gee I’m nervous.

“Tanaka, what are you wearing?!” I was pulled out of my thoughts by the familiar sound of Nishi.

“Ugh, okay my sister took my sandals for some stupid project or something and my mom is steam cleaning my sports shoes! These were all I had!” Said man lifted his arms, showing off sneakers that were more like ankle boots, and they… also look like… a cast? I slapped a hand over my mouth to stop from erupting into a fit of giggles.

“Why not just wear your normal, everyday shoes?!” Suga wailed.

“What do you think these are?!” Baldie gestured wildly at his shoes.

“Oh brother.” Tsukishima huffed out.

15 minutes of walking and lightly making fun of Tanaka’s shoes led us to the large park where numerous others were already setting up. The grills were firing up to start grilling the greasiest meats possible, four buckets of water balloons were filled with more coming, two sprinkler sections were set, and a huge box of explosives were being hauled into a safe corner. I sure hope it’s safe anyway. We don’t need a bunch of volleyball players getting into those. Suddenly, I had a terrible, horrible, awful thought.

“Toru, did you bring blankets?” Panic evident in my voice over the imminent threat of grassy scratchy torture.

“I brought a blanket.” Heh… hehehe… schmoozing time. I donned a dreamy smile and fluttered my eyelashes up at the captain.

“Toru~” Toru~ picked up what I was trying to say quickly.

“Aww, forget your blanket, Y/N-Chan?” Before I could nod, Oikawa cupped my chin in his hand, squishing my cheeks upwards. “Say please~” This little shit.

“Pweash?” Seemingly pleased with this answer, he let go of my chin.

“I was gonna let you sit with me anyway~” My face darkened, and I lunged at this teasing moron. Of course, just like how he caught up with me in the parking lot all those months ago, he easily outran me with his stick legs.

“I’ll get you when you least expect it, Oikawa!” I yelled after the still-retreating boy.

“What did he do this time?” Another voice startled me, causing me to jump and turn around. “Sorry.” It was just Iwa.

“Oh, you’re fine. He was-”

“-being a sweet and perfect angel, of course!” Speak of the devil. Toru sidled up beside me and laid his elbow on my shoulder, grinning innocently at Iwa. Iwa just glanced dubiously at me, and in return, I gave him a small head shake.

“He’s all yours, Y/N.” Iwa left no room for rebuttals in his walk away. I wasn’t sure to feel happy or devastated at being left alone with Oikawa.

“Now that we’re all alone, Y/N-Chan, let’s go throw balloons at people.” Ah, yes, happy.

“Okay!” Toru steered me over to the designated warzone, topped off with overturned tables and bucket stations. “I do hope you’re not planning on turning on me during the war.” I warned him; I could see right through him.

“Neverrrrrr.”

“Toru.” I warned once more.

“Come onnnnn you know me!”

“Toru.” Said man stood still for a moment, drinking in my cautioning face. That didn’t stop him, though. He pirouetted, lurched forward, and, before I could stop him, grabbed a balloon and lobbed it at me. I dove for cover, but I was hit.

It grazed my hip. I’m done for. I hit the ground and turned over on my back. Raising a hand in the air, I beckoned Toru over. He edged over, afraid of a sneak attack.

“Y/N?”

“T-Toru? Is that you? Oh, thank the heavens. Come closer.” I let my arm flop to the ground beside me. Toru listened and scooted closer, albeit slowly. “Listen, I’m not gonna last much longer. *cough cough* It’s getting cold, hard to breathe. I’m glad to spend my final moments with you. *gasp* Please, tell my family I love them.” I grappled onto Toru’s hand, pulling him just a little closer so he could hear me take my final gasp for breath before I “died.”

“...Y-Y/N-Chan?” Toru scrambled forward, placing his ear right above my chest before gasping dramatically and falling back. He grabbed fistfuls of grass and yanked upward, taking the grass with him as he bellowed out a “NOOOOOOOO.”

“Hey everyone, the food is ready!” A random dude shouted out. I shot into a standing position.

“Time’s-a wastin’ Kawa.” I darted toward the food table along with other much taller and beefier teenage boys. I’ve already reached the point of no return, no turning back now.

“Woah! No rush, Y/N!” Toru’s arms wrapped around my waist to hold me back, allowing the rush of men to dogpile the steaks. I was singing my praises to Toru’s stick legs this time.

“Oh- thank you, Ruru. I was too blinded by the hunger.”

“Eh- Ruru?!”

“Mhm! It’s cute.” I wiggled out of his grasp and casually approached the swarm of vultures. It’s fight or die.

Alright, so it was not fight or die. Everyone was very pleasant. Imagine a mosh pit, except instead of a band, there’s just a burger on stage. It was exactly like that. Now I was happily eating a hotdog next to Toru, who was eating everything.

“Do you wanna go back to the water after we eat, N/N (nickname)?” Oh, and Toru is now calling me N/N.

“Hmm, how much longer until the firework show?” Toru chuckled at that question, resting his head on his hand.

“How am I supposed to know?”

“Okay, fair. Can we play in the sprinklers?”

“Mhm, anything you want, Y/N-Chan~”

I had planned to splash around for about half an hour. Surprise surprise when Toru and I wrapped towels around ourselves an hour and a half later. Neither of us had brought a change of clothes, so there we were, hair and clothes soaked and sore throats from laughing. I expected to have fun with Oikawa today, but what I wasn’t expecting was to fall even harder for him. A surprise, sure, but a welcome one. There was an announcement for the firework show; it was starting in ten minutes. That announcement was what made us finally dry off.

“Hey, Y/N! Haven’t seen you around all day.” A voice came from behind me. I peered over my shoulder to see Suga smiling softly. “The team agreed to sit near each other. We’d love for you to join.” The thought of sitting with them warmed my heart, but the thought of getting to talk with Oikawa filled me with the fuzziest feeling. The choice was clear.

“Well, I’d love to Suga, but I was planning on sitting with Oikawa.”

“Speaking of. I’m going to set up a spot for us, Y/N-Chan.” Oikawa flashed a cocky smirk as he walked off with our blanket. Once the captain was out of ear-shot, Suga placed a soft hand on my shoulder, coupled with a knowing smile.

“Y/N, you know I trust your judgement, but be careful with him, alright? Just in case the rumors turn out to be true.”

“Rumors?” I turned to fully face the setter, and said boy let his hand fall off my shoulder.

“That he’s a ladies’ man. I don’t know if he… uh, swings that way.” My mind blanked. Oh god… Oh Suga… I shyly smiled back at the boy in front of me.

“I’ll be careful, promise. And I’ll be alright if he doesn’t swing that way.”

“Good luck.” Suga waved and was on his way. Oh, he was so sweet. I went on my way as well, seeking out the still-drying swoops of hair. He was sitting all the way in the back, like, all the way. I began my hike, trekking through the spiky summer grass, past all the dudes chatting with their pals. The good news, I made it in one piece. The bad news, there was barely any time to talk with Oikawa about everything. Well, no shame in trying. I sat gingerly beside the brunette boy, enjoying the closeness of sharing a blanket.

“Toru? Can we talk?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah of course. What is it?”

“Well, there’s two things actually.”

“I still want to hear it.” Toru lightly joked, nerves shining through his tone.

“At training camp, the kiss.” Toru lightly hummed.

“What about it?”

“Can we do it again? Wait- hang on that’s-” Beside me, Toru burst into a fit of laughter.

“You liked it, yeah?”

“Well, uh, I like you and, like, yeah, I did.”

“You like me?” Toru sent a sly smirk my way, eyes shining with adoration. Looking into those eyes got my mouth all dry.

“I- Didn’t I just say that? Wait, that came out wrong-”

“So, what you’re telling me is… you wanna date? Officially?” I frantically nodded at my blanket buddy, thankful he said it so I didn’t have to.

“Oh- we still have to keep it a secret.” I quietly reminded.

“I can work with that. I still get to have you.” Toru’s words went straight from my ears to my cheeks.

“So, about my question earlier?” A surprised chuckle escaped Toru’s lips.

“I think we can arrange that.” And with those six words, Toru cupped my cheek and leaned sideways to close the gap between us. This, our second kiss, was much sweeter than our first. It showed both of our feelings, our vulnerabilities that we only ever showed when together. This felt right, it felt blissful. Faintly, I heard a sharp whistle. It disappeared before exploding into a cacophony of color. Slowly, we pulled apart, gazing into each other’s eyes.

“Toru, I adore you…”

“I see the cat returned your tongue.” I gently laughed.

“It was a tough battle, but I emerged victorious.” Matching my loving smile, Toru leaned in again, placing a gentle smooch upon my nose and then between my brows.

“What was the other thing you wanted to talk about? If it’s as good as this one, I need to hear it.” I chuckled.

“It’s a little heavier. Our future. After we graduate. That sort of thing.”

“Ah, well I’d hate to ruin this very new relationship.”

“Come on, try me. I can handle anything.”

“I’ll just come out and say it, then… I want to rob yachts.” Caught completely off-guard, I snort-laughed. Embarrassment commencing. Instead of teasing laughter, like I was expecting, I heard the sparkling sound of a quiet and genuine laugh from Toru Oikawa himself. “Sorry, sorry. I still want to play volleyball. I can’t imagine a life without it, y’know.” Coming down from his laughing, he turned his serious eyes over at me. “That could mean traveling… the world, maybe.” My eyes widened the slightest bit at the reality that Toru could leave. He could go to Sweden or to Zimbabwe. While pondering the possibilities over, I realized one major thing: the overwhelming feeling of happiness that he’d be chasing his dreams. That was the moment I had decided. I placed a comforting hand over his much larger one.

“I hope you enjoy video calls, then. At least until I graduate too.” It was Toru’s turn to widen his eyes, the look in them, swimming with emotions. He was completely vulnerable, allowing himself to open up to me. He was truly terrified while waiting for my answer. This moment, I’m burning this one into my brain. The moment I decided Toru Oikawa was the one for me. Fireworks went off left and right in the background, they sounded dim in this moment, as Toru hurriedly leaned in and placed another kiss to my lips, conveying every single emotion he was feeling into the kiss. Settling into it, I raked one of my hands through his slightly-damp hair, massaging his head. Once he pulled back, he tugged me into his chest quickly, I assume to hide me from seeing something. Oh… he was crying, wasn’t he? I smiled into his chest and wrapped my arms around his midsection, looking to the sky to watch the rest of the fireworks.

[sonntam]

Chapter 1 of God of War "Lore and Legends": (part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Sometimes Father looks at me like I’m a stranger.

He frowns a little bit, and his eyes get dark. When he speaks, it’s usually just “Pass the goat butter, boy,” or something like that. If he ever smiled and asked, “How are you feeling today, Atreus?” I’d have to go check his hunting pouch for spotted mushrooms.

Actually, I have seen Father smile. But only when he’s sitting by the fire with Mother.

One night a few weeks ago they were discussing Leviathan’s balance and heft. The axe used to be hers, but she gave it to him a while ago. Of course, Father’s favorite topic of conversation is always weapons. But his eyes were so bright in the firelight, looking at her.

I could tell she means everything to him. Way more than me, that’s for sure.

—

Tonight is the best night of my life!

After dinner, Mother told me a bunch of amazing stories about Skaði, the great giant huntress. We talked about hunting for hours.

And then came the surprise!

She pulled something wrapped in oilskin from our weapon locker and told me to unroll it. I did and there it was — she finished the longbow! It’s beautiful! I helped her string it. She grabbed the bow and flexed it herself while I hooked the bowstring to each end.

I was so excited, I started to cough again. I don’t cough as much as I did when I was little, plus Mother has taught me how to breathe so I calm down. She taught me how to think about the animals I love.

Anyway, we’re going out to practice tomorrow, just Mother and me.

I’m so happy I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

—

I was right. I can’t sleep.

I can’t stop starting at my longbow. It looks like a flying bird. A hawk, maybe. When I nock an arrow, it’s a hawk with killer talon. I’ve decided to call it my Talon Bow.

—

What a day! I am sitting on my fvaorite old log in Wildwoods. Mother’s just down the path, refilling out water flask in the falls.

We’ve been on a practice hunt!

This morning, Father returned from another two-day trek just as we were heading out into the woods. He gave me a nod and hugged Mother. But when he saw the Talon Bow, his eyes got big.

“Very nice,” he said.

I handed it to him and slid an arrow out of my quiver. He notched it, pulled it to full draw, and sighted down the arrow’s shaft.

“Remarkable,” he said, squinting.

But he didn’t shoot. He just eased the string forward and returned the arrow to me. Then he gave Mother a look. He smiled… I think. It’s hard to tell with him.

Mother showed me how to set my feet in a direct line to the target… move them shoulder-width apart… nock the arrow and pull back with three fingers just below it… line up my eye behind the arrow’s spine… slowly let out my breath… relax and aim… shoot.

After an hour, I got pretty good at hitting trees. Hitting rabbits? Not so good. Mother is amazing, though. She never misses.

I wonder how she got so good with weapons.

—

Why do I still get sick? I don’t get it.

It makes me really mad. Like today, Father was glad to see I’m learning skills that matter to him, so he coiled thick straw into a round target so I could practice with my new bow. I wanted to impress him. My first shots were a little wild… I was nervous. But pretty soon I started hitting the bullseye.

As I drew another arrow, a black-trailed hare suddenly hopped out of a bush near the target! I raised quickly and swung left to aim ahead of him. But just before I released, I felt a weird pulse in my head.

It was the rabbit! I could hear it… like a voice, but not words.

He was really scared.

I felt bad, so I swung away… but the bowstring slipped from my fingers! The arrow shot straight across the yard toward Mother, who sat carving wooden utensils with her special knife. It hit the fence just above her. In that second of flight, I fell to the ground.

I wanted to bash in my own head, I felt so stupid. I could have killed the thing I loved the most! I started yelling at myself.

Masterpost with God of War "Lore and Legends" transcriptions.

[blxckdragonfly]

Like A Saviour (Darkness Finds You Universe #5- Part 2)

(Song: "Like A Saviour" by Ellie Goulding.

Pairing: Chris Motionless & Lycia Winters "Pronunciation-- Lai-shuh" (played by Ana De Armas), featuring Lyra Crowe Büdgen (Lilith Czar-- played by Mothica) & Malakai Black.

Warnings: Drama, Harassment via Social Media.

Synopsis: After their relationship has been leaked, Lycia and Chris's relationship has become stronger and they later realize they have been targeted by one Ronnie Radke. (aka we all fucking hate Ronnie Radke)

A/N: And we're back! Here's the concluding part to Finding You! This was a long one and we still have so much more to work on! We hope you enjoy it. x Tiger. Co-written with @blackrose-92)

Word Count: 5,155

Spotify Playlist:

(Lycia’s POV)

The following morning, I stir and I wake up in a warm and cozy hotel room bed. We had checked into a hotel after the show last night in Indiana to spend the night in before heading off to the next show on the Trinity of Terror Tour, which was in Cleveland, Ohio. 

I hear the sound of voices as I shift to sit up and slightly pull the blankets which were over me off. I stretch and sit up to see Chris, who’s dressed in his comfortable clothes– black hoodie, black tee and his sweatpants, sitting at the table in our room and speaking over a zoom call, which I would assume would mean that he’s doing an interview of some kind. Then I remembered that he had that Rock Sound interview this morning about the new Motionless album. 

So, tell us about this new flame of yours? I’ve seen photos surface from this past run on the Trinity of Terror tour of you with this mystery brunette girl. 

I felt on edge for a moment, not sure how to react– even though I loved being known as the mystery girl that he had been seeing. Because we were so secretive about our relationship for the last year and a half. 

“Well, obviously,” Chris says, keeping his voice to a low medium. “I didn’t want this whole thing to happen when these photos suddenly came rising to the surface but what can you do? Her name is Lycia, which means “wolf” in Greek– which is kind of fitting that I’d find myself dating a woman with that kind of name after releasing this album, right?” 

I hear the laughter between the two and it makes me relax as I listen, resting my chin in my hand. 

“I had met her back in 2021,” Chris continues. “We had done a shoot with Jeremy Saffer, I remember watching her set up the lights for the shoot, I had noticed that she had this beautiful red ink snake tattoo on the outside of her forearm, and it drew me in. But I didn’t know what to say to her, exactly. 

It wasn’t until I was invited to my first AEW show, which was Double or Nothing, by my friend Lyra or as you know her, Lilith Czar and her husband, Malakai Black. I saw her backstage taking photos of House of Black for AEW and I just knew that I had to get my shit together and talk to her. But again, I didn’t know how. Until I met Dr. Britt Baker, DMD, who I’m still good friends with to this day, suggested that I should write a note to her and tell her how I feel about her– that I want to see her and go out with her. She left the note that I’d written in her camera case and the rest is history as they say. I’ve been seeing her for the good part of a year now.” 

And how is Lycia handling all of this? Your relationship being so suddenly aired out to the public like that? 

Sleep with my shadow

Tryna find my faith in tomorrow

Tired of holdin' onto the memories

How I used to bleed for love (For love)

Got sick of the battle

Gave myself a heart made of metal

Calling out for someone to rescue me

Then you danced into my life (Oh)

“She was a bit frustrated with how the photos had been leaked, as was I when I found out about the article,” Chris shrugs. “But since she’s a photographer herself and is familiar with that area, she’s also taking it in stride. She knew that this was coming. She’s embraced it. I’m proud of her for doing so. I’m happy to be her boyfriend and her partner. She’s really special to me and I love her so much, words are failing me as to how happy I am that she’s in my life.” 

Tears fill my eyes and fall down my cheeks as I listen. I’ve never heard such wonderful words being spoken about me before and it means so much to me that Chris loves me that much to share that with the world. I continue to listen until the interview wraps up, I watch as he puts away his laptop and zips it up in its case as I get out of bed. I quietly walk up to him and I wrap my arms around him, taking him by surprise as I rest my face against his back. 

I hear a soft chuckle from him. “Well, good morning to you too, honey.” He turns around to face me and he notices that I’ve shed a few tears. His warm chocolate brown eyes soften and he lifts my chin up so our eyes meet. “Are you crying? What’s wrong?” 

“I’m crying because that was really sweet of you,” I say as I sniff softly and he raises a brow at me, making me giggle. “The interview, silly. I heard everything that you said about me. You’re just as special to me too, baby. I love you too.” 

He leans in and kisses me sweetly, this kiss being so sweet that it felt like sugar on my lips and I craved more. I wrap my arms around his neck, running my fingers through his blonde hair– deepening our kiss. Our kiss breaks away after a few minutes. 

“Good. Because you mean the world to me, Lycia.” Chris murmurs, resting his forehead against mine and stroking my caramel brown hair. “I can’t even describe how you make me feel. I’ve never felt this kind of euphoria before in my life, it’s a whole new experience for me.” 

A smile crosses my own lips. “I could say the same about you too. I feel like I’ve found my soulmate.” I whisper as I see a grin cross his face. He places a tender kiss onto my forehead and he holds me in his arms, hugging me to him. His hand caresses my back softly. 

He suddenly pulls away from the hug and he reaches into the pocket of his leather jacket, he holds out a beautiful gold coffin ring with a rose carved in the center of his palm. 

I let out a soft gasp. “Chris…” I say as I hear him chuckle as I look into his eyes again. 

“I’m really happy to hear that I’m your soulmate, Lycia. Because I know you’re mine too.” He takes my face in his hands gently. “I want to give this to you to show you that someday, I will want to marry you.” 

Tears fill my eyes. “Babe, nothing would mean more to me than being yours. I promise. I love you.” 

He leans in and meets my lips in a deep and loving kiss, fingers lifting my chin up while tears of happiness fall down my cheeks as we pull away for breath’s sake. 

Beautiful visions come to me

And they stay forever and ever

Electric feelings keep me dreamin'

I won't let go, oh-woah, oh-woah

Spinnin' in your starlight

You got the power to ease my mind

You're leadin' me out of the dark

Like a saviour

Shinin' in my soul, oh-woah, oh-woah

“I love you too, Lycia. I love you so much.” Chris smiles as I take the ring from his hand and I slip it onto my own left ring finger, the gold of the ring shining in the light of the room. I intertwine my fingers with his and I see that my ring looks similar to the one he always wears. I start giggling at him. 

“What?” 

“We both have coffin rings,” I say and I watch as he glances down at our hands, catching on to my laughter and he starts laughing at himself. 

“Yeah, I didn’t think that one through,” Chris says with a laugh and I shove him playfully. “Well. I made us into a high school couple.” 

“Oh, Lyra’ll love that.” I tease and I hear him grunt in annoyance, making me laugh as I place a soft kiss onto his cheek. 

Like a saviour

Out of the dark

Like a saviour

Out of the dark

We got ready to head to the next venue together which was Jacobs Pavilion at Nautica and I changed out of my black tee and black satin shorts that I’ve worn to sleep every night into a white corset that I’ve bought from Fashion Nova, a pair of black ripped skinny jeans from Pretty Little Thing and my boots from Lamoda. Gold hoop earrings in my ears and my hair in a bun with simple makeup. When we arrived at the venue, the first person we saw was Lyra– who had caught on to us and our coffin rings when we held hands while walking. 

“Aw, you both have coffin rings! That’s adorable!” Lyra squeals and I hear a groan from Chris. 

“Here we go,” Chris mutters. 

“I have to tell Malakai about this!” Chris rolls his eyes as I snicker in amusement and she unlocked her phone to call Malakai. “Babe! Chris gave Lycia a coffin ring!” 

“Lyra, it’s not just a coffin ring I gave to Lycia. It’s a promise ring,” Chris says and she looks at us with a scoff. 

“That seems kind of juvenile, dude.” Lyra says. “I mean, really.” 

“That’s great, Chris! I did the same thing for Lyra before we got married,” Malakai says and Lyra’s jaw drops in shock, making Chris laugh. “Lyra. How could you forget that I gave you a promise ring?” 

“Babe, I was more focused on my engagement ring and wedding ring..” 

“Whoa!” Chris puts both of hands up in the air, letting go of mine. “I’m gonna stop you both right there. I’m not fucking ready for any of that right now. I’m happy with Lycia and that’s all that matters.” 

My heart flutters as he turns his head at me and I place a gentle peck onto his lips, causing an ‘aww, you’re both so cute!” from Lyra which makes him shake his head. 

“You’re the one talking about juvenile, babe,” Malakai says. “I’m surprised you didn’t tell Chris and Lycia to get a room.” 

“Babe, I’ll get you for that one.” Lyra says and Chris chuckles as the phone call ends. I take a walk over to say hello to his bandmates, Justin, Ryan, Ricky and Vinny.

______________________________________________________

(Lyra’s POV) 

After I get off the phone with Malakai, I suddenly grab Chris by the wrist as he starts to walk away, making him pause and turn to me with a confused look. I pull him aside for a moment and I take a breath, now that the comedic moment is over. 

“Chris,” I say. “I wanted to tell you this. I’m so happy that you have Lycia in your life. She’s brought out the best in you. You both look really good together.” 

A bright grin comes across Chris’s face as he pulls me into an embrace. “Thank you for saying that, Lyra.” He says. “She’s really special to me.” 

We both glance over at Lycia, who’s laughing and getting along with his bandmates. I pat Chris on the shoulder as I turn to walk off and I feel his hand on my shoulder. “Lyra, wait.” 

I turn around and face him. I see that his eyes are bright and a smile crosses his face. 

“I think I understand why Malakai means so much to you,” Chris crosses his arms and looks at me. 

“Because you’re starting to see it with Lycia, aren’t you?” I ask and he nods. “Aw, that’s so sweet. Sounds like you both are meant to be, trust me. I’ve seen it in the way you both move– she moves and you move, you’re both like magnets.” 

I see his eyes take on a look of hesitation and a bit of fear, because of his past relationships that have failed– mainly the one he had with Gaia that hurt him the most. “That’s not a bad thing, right?” 

I let out a soft laugh. “No, that shows how much you love her. You can’t be away from her for too long, you start to physically ache when you’re not near her because you miss being close to her. Malakai and I do the same thing. She’s your other half. Your soulmate. I saw the way you look at her, Chris. You look at her like she’s the only important person in the room that matters to you. Malakai looks at me the same way. It’s a special feeling of admiration that you have in each other.” 

I hear him take a deep breath as he looks at me. “You said the same thing about Gaia all those years ago and look what happened.” I see him shrug his shoulders at me. 

“No, you’re right,” I told him. “But here’s the thing. Lycia isn’t Gaia. She’s not. She’s not Gaia because Gaia didn’t have the guts to stand up for herself and your relationship. Lycia’s not going to leave you on rock bottom like Gaia did when she left. Because I know in my heart that Lycia’s the one for you. Hell, I know it terrifies the fuck out of you but when you’re ready, I can see you being married to Lycia. You both have a family together someday. 

How could I be so certain, you may ask?  Because I’m there with Malakai. Malakai gave me a married life, a family life, a home. I didn’t want one for the longest time and neither did he. You remember Devon? You know what he did to me.” Chris nods as I mention my once abusive ex who tried to ruin mine and Malakai’s life together. “But even then, even when I thought I would never ever see Malakai again in my life, we found our way back to each other. We’re the happiest we’ve ever been.” 

“Yeah, you and your family of seven fucking cats,” Chris chuckles as I roll my eyes at him and shove him playfully. 

“Hey, they’re still our children, you know.” Chris laughs and I start to chuckle. I pause after a few minutes and take a breath. “I want you to listen to me when I say this, Chris Cerulli. You have nothing to worry about. Lycia loves you with every fiber of her being. Even if a married life or a family life isn’t in the cards for you, Lycia’s happy being your partner, regardless. Don’t you ever fucking give up on her. You mean the world to her.”  

I walk closer and I hug him, feeling him hug me back– I’m sure he’s grateful for our friendship. 

“Thank you for kicking me in the ass again, Lyra Büdgen,” Chris murmurs as a smile crosses my lips. “You’re one of the most dearest friends I could ever ask for.” 

I pulled back from the hug before I walked behind him, wrapping my hands around his shoulders– pushing him forward to where Lycia stood, her eyes locked with Chris, offering her hand out to him with a soft smile. He smiles back at her and takes her hand, placing a kiss onto her cheek. 

They’re so sweet together. I know he’s found the one. I’m happy to see that he’s starting to see it too. I thought. 

______________________________________________________________

(Lycia’s POV) 

Shot with your arrow

Suddenly, I feel I can let go

Of all the insecurities weighin' me down

Now I'm ready to drown in you, you

Chris and I have been enjoying our day off back home in Scranton, we got to see our pugs, Fang and Luna, who have been staying with Angelo, Chris’s friend and former drummer of Motionless In White while we’ve been on tour, who will be attending the upcoming show in Scranton, which is Chris’s hometown at The Pavilion at Montage Mountain. 

It’s nice to be able to just relax and be close to each other– we’ve missed that a lot since we’d been gone. We’d spent the majority of the day just watching horror movies and Dexter and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. 

The day of the show, Chris drove us up to the venue, which was this massive structure with rows and rows of seats. It looked insane and I could see just how happy he was to be able to play this venue. He told me when we’d first started seeing each other that he went to this exact place to see No Doubt as a kid, which warmed my heart. As he parked the car outside, I could see him having to pause and take a moment as he stood beside me, looking around. 

“Babe?” I say as I reach for his hand, which his fingers intertwined with mine. I can see that he looks like he wants to cry. “Are you okay?” 

“I-I cannot believe that I get to play this place tonight with my band,” Chris says as he blinks away the tears that threaten to fall. “I’m just so happy and so overjoyed.” 

Beautiful visions come to me

And they stay forever and ever

Electric feelings keep me dreamin'

I won't let go, oh-woah, oh-woah

My heart melts and I take that moment to hug him, running the fingers of my free hand through his blonde hair. “I’m so proud of you. This show is going to be amazing. I can already tell.” 

He smiles softly and places a loving kiss on my lips as we head in together, hand in hand. As we were walking together backstage, I felt my phone vibrate over and over again in the back pocket of my vinyl jeans. I raise a brow and I pull it out, wondering why I kept getting all of these notifications. 

I unlock my phone and I see that there are tweets being tagged at my Twitter and I open it up to two tweets from Ronnie Radke. I had no idea who he was, but what he said made me panic. 

RonnieRadke: So Chris goes from dating someone like Gaia to this… Amateur druggie photographer? I’m fucking dying. 

RonnieRadke: Yeah, she looks like she shoots more heroin than she does shooting photos. 

My heart starts beating fast and all I can do is slide against the wall, tears falling down my cheeks. How did he know about my past with heroin? I thought, burying my face into my knees. 

“Lycia?” I hear Chris’s voice as he walks over to me and he kneels down in front of me, lifting my chin up so our eyes meet. “Lycia, baby. Hey. What’s the matter? What’s got you so upset like this?” 

I stay silent as I give Chris my phone so he can see the tweets that Ronnie said about me. When he does, he’s livid. He sets my phone down and I see him pace back and forth in anger. Lyra walks by at that moment and she notices right away. 

“Hey. What’s going on, you two?” Lyra asks as Chris shows her the tweets that Ronnie said about me on my phone to her. Lyra grits her teeth in anger. “Fuck. I’ll be right back. Chris, look after Lycia.” 

“What? What are you doing, Lyra?” Chris asks as she unlocks her phone and walks off a few feet from us. 

“I may not be able to speak to this stupid son of a bitch, but I know someone who might.” Lyra says as she scrolls through her contacts and dials a number on her phone as she walks off. She puts it on speaker. “Saraya! Are you fucking kidding me?!” 

I hear another British accent that sounds familiar to Lyra’s on the other line as Chris moves to hold me in his arms. “Lyra? What’s going on?” 

“What do you mean, what’s going on? Have you not seen what your boyfriend has done?!” Lyra demands. 

“Uhhh, not really, no.” Lyra starts sending Saraya the tweets that Ronnie has said about me as evidence and proof of what he’s done. 

“Here’s the deal,” Chris and I look up as we hear Lyra slip into House of Black mode, I feel him smirk as he rests his chin on my head. “Tell your boyfriend to take those tweets down or Malakai and I will kick his head completely off his shoulders, not only will we do that but we’ll give his bones to Chris and whatever remains of him left will be given to House of Black. You will be forced to watch it happen. Don’t try me because you know The House Always Wins and you don’t want to see your precious little boyfriend get torn to shreds by us, do you? Are we clear?” 

Lyra hears a small gulp on the other end of the line from Saraya. “Crystal.” 

“Good. Now go fucking talk to him.” Lyra hangs up the phone and pulls up Ronnie’s page on Twitter to see that the tweets that he had once posted are now gone. 

She walks back in with us as Chris is placing a soft kiss on my head, trying to comfort my anxiety because I’m shaking in his arms. “He took down the tweets about Lycia.” 

Chris looks up at Lyra while his arms are holding me close to his chest, I close my eyes against him, his scent comforting me. 

“How-How’d you get him to stop?” Chris asks as Lyra shakes her head in amusement. 

“Chris, you should know this by now.” Lyra tells him. “The House will always look after our own and protect them. Nobody comes for the friends of The House. They’re asking for their worst nightmare if they do.” She sighs. “But the tweets about you and Motionless are still up.” 

“I don’t care about that. I couldn’t give a single fuck if he bashes me or my band,” Chris murmurs as he glances down at me, I tremble in his arms. “As long as he keeps the love of my life out of it. She didn’t deserve her past to be aired like that.” 

“I know,” I hear compassion in Lyra’s voice as she kneels down in front of us. “That wasn’t okay and it was absolutely horrible of Ronnie to do that to try and get your attention.” 

I start to sob into Chris’s chest softly, tears dripping onto his Cyberhex jacket and he looks down at me. 

“My career is over,” I sob. “No one will want to work with me now that my past is out in the world.” 

Chris’s eyes soften, I feel him take my face in both of his hands and I glance into the calm of his brown eyes. “Lycia. Hey. No, it’s not.” I avoid his eyes and look past him, staring at the rows of chairs which will soon be filled with thousands of screaming fans later on tonight. “Baby. Look at me.” 

I huffed softly and I looked back at him, meeting his eyes once more. “Lyra was able to make him stop. He’s not going to talk about your past as long as she and House of Black are here. It’s going to be alright.” 

I sniff. “I was okay with our relationship being leaked because of being a photographer myself, but I wasn’t okay with my past being leaked. They’re going to hate me. I can feel it coming.” 

“Honey,” Chris murmurs as he rests his forehead against mine. “No one’s going to hate you for this. If they do, they’re going to have to take it up with me because I won’t fucking tolerate it.” 

That’s when it hit me that Chris is willing to protect me as much as I had when I stepped up to protect him from Ash when she tried to break us up last year at Furnace Festival. My heart started racing as I stared at the man of my dreams. I hear his voice become honeyed. “You’re the love of my life, Lycia Rose. I will never, ever let anyone hurt you like you were in the past. Ever.” 

Spinnin' in your starlight

You got the power to ease my mind

You're leadin' me out of the dark

Like a saviour

Shinin' in my soul, oh-woah, oh-woah

Spinnin' in your starlight

You got the power to change my life

You're leadin' me out of the dark

Like a saviour (Like a saviour)

Shinin' in my soul, oh-woah, oh-woah

My heart skips a beat as he leans in, meeting my lips in a soft kiss. The kiss immediately calms me down, I relax in his arms, wrapping my arms around his neck as he deepens the kiss. 

I let my dark red nailed fingers run through his blonde hair with the slightest touch, my nails scratching the back of his neck, making him shiver– which I started to smile in the kiss. I break away from the kiss as Chris kisses both of my cheeks gently and my neck, making me giggle as I glance over at Lyra. 

“Was all of that true?” I ask. “What you said about kicking his head in? Are you being serious?” 

“Lycia, Malakai and I are trained in Muay Thai and Kickboxing,” Lyra explains. “Even more so than most have seen on screen on AEW. So yes, we can kick Ronnie’s head off his shoulders if we really wanted to. The thought has crossed my mind a few times but I’m not stupid enough to end up in jail.” 

I hear Chris snicker next to me, probably because he’s thinking of both of them kicking Ronnie’s head off his shoulders. “Hey, as long as I get my pound of flesh, I’ll take it.” 

I started to laugh because he accidentally quoted Slaughterhouse and doesn’t even know it. He raised both of his eyebrows at me. 

“What, honey?” He asks as I try to get the air back into my lungs from laughing so hard. 

“You just quoted your own lyrics, babe,” I say in between giggles. 

I watch as he gets it a second later and he laughs. “Oh, goddammit. I completely walked into that one, didn’t I?” Lyra and I both laugh at him. “But listen, Lycia, if anything does happen to your career— I’ll make you our own personal photographer for Motionless and Lyra can too. We’ll pay you in full.” 

“Yeah, you can take photos for House of Black and BlxckMass,” Lyra says. “Malakai and I will take care of it if it gets to that point.” 

A touched look crosses my face as I feel so grateful to have such a wonderful boyfriend and he has such a great friend in Lyra. Tears of happiness fell down my face. 

“I love you, babe,” I murmured as I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. “You’re the best. Thank you, Lyra.” 

“I love you too, Lycia,” Chris whispers as he gently kisses my lips. “Now, come on. We’re about to play for the first time here and nothing would make me happier than to have you help me with my makeup for tonight."  

I smile softly as I take his hand and we head off, for an incredible night in Scranton for Lyra, Motionless, Black Veil Brides and Ice Nine Kills. Backstage, Chris wanted me to do a Terminator inspired look for him tonight, which was going to be tricky but I was up for the challenge. As I was working on his look, he tried to make me laugh by not staying still and making dorky faces. I rolled my eyes.

"Babe," I say as I put down the brush with the silver eyeshadow down. "Stop it. I'm trying to concentrate. Now stay still."

He sighs and nods. I continue my work until he starts up again and I roll my eyes.

"Chris, I swear..." I mutter and I hear his laughter until he sees the seriousness in my eyes. I take a breath and shake my head in amusement. I know he was trying to make me forget about what Ronnie had said, which was sweet of him but I wanted this look to be perfect for his show tonight.

"Alright, I'll stop," Chris says. "On one condition."

"What might that be?" I say with an eyebrow raised.

"I'll stop... If you give me a kiss," He murmurs and I hear that warmth in his voice, it's the small hint before it turns seductive. Fuck.

"Mm. If that's all you wanted, why didn't you just ask?" I asked as I leaned against the counter next to the chair he sat in.

"Because," He reaches for my hand to bring me closer. "I wanted to take your mind off this. I can still see that what Ronnie said is getting to you. Don't let it. I doubt that what he said will affect your career. Even then, anyone is lucky to have you-- whether it's us, Lyra and Malakai, it doesn't matter. You're a fucking incredible photographer, honey."

I smile at his kind words, I intertwine my own fingers in his, feeling his fingers tracing the back of mine.

"You always know how to make me feel better, don't you?" I murmur as I wrap my arms around his neck. A soft smile crosses his face and he nods.

Luckily I hadn't started working on his lips yet for his Terminator look so that was enough for me to lean in and kiss him, like he wanted. His hands move toward my face, the kiss warm and loving-- making my heart flutter in my chest. We break apart, my eyes meeting his brown ones.

"Promise to be good?" I whisper and I hear him chuckle, placing a kiss onto my forehead softly.

"Baby, I'm always good." He says and I let out a giggle of my own and he did as told, staying completely still as I finished his makeup for tonight.

liked by pewdiepie, itsmarziapie, jeffreydeanmorgan, malakaiblxck, lilithczar and 3,200 others

lycia.rosee: Turned my wonderful man into a T-800 for his homecoming show in Scranton tonight! Here's a photo from a fun little shoot we did before the show! I'm such a proud girlfriend. I love you, chrismotionless. 🖤

jensenackles: Badass work, Lycia! He looks great! 🔥

jaredpadalecki: He really looks like a T-800. I wouldn't fight him. 🤣

chrismotionless: My woman killing it with the makeup! I love you too, honey. 🖤

Spinnin' in your starlight

You got the power to change my life

You're leadin' me out of the dark (You're leadin' me out of the dark)

Like a saviour (Like a saviour)

Shinin' in my soul, oh-woah, oh-woah

Like a saviour (Like a saviour)

Out of the dark (Out of the dark)

Like a saviour (Like a saviour)

Out of the dark (Oh, out of the dark)....

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2013 Time to finish up about yesterday as I await the results of yesterday’s eye tests. Tom has the phone the doctor will call him on at work, so Tom will email me once he hears from him. I did have eye dreams last night, but can’t remember them. That must be a good thing since we usually remember our bad dreams.

I also had more dreams discussing moving. Hope this means we’re getting close, but I don’t think so. We did check out a couple of parks here in town, including the one with that newer house. We don’t want it. It’s not in as good of a location within the park as we first thought. It’s right by the main entrance, and the greenbelt between it and next door does belong to next door. They have a garden and a little hangout there with tables and chairs. I don’t want this just a few feet from our windows. We can do better than this. We could tell it was theirs cuz there’s a hose on it that goes to their place. The park itself was just okay, but the other park was a little better than just okay. The roads were wider and the houses weren’t all right on the streets. A few were quite close but there was more gravel than grass there which would be better cuz then you hear fewer mowers. That was the only thing I didn’t like about our favorite park; very grassy. Lots of cars there too, though we didn’t see any driveways with 3 cars in either of the two parks we saw. Either way, my dreams, if they can still be trusted, say we’re not staying in Auburn.

There was an accident sort of in front of us after we checked out the parks. “This’ll be ugly,” Tom said, a split second before I heard a slight pop, then turned to see some idiot had taken an illegal left turn and bumped fenders with another guy. The traffic kept moving despite the bent fenders, broken headlights, and steam emitting from one of the car’s hoods since they were able to pull to the side.

We came home after test 2 of 3 because we knew it wouldn’t take us 5 hours to check out the parks. Just in time for the Jes pest buzzing around on the ATV doing whatever the current project is that it’s doing. I’m surprised I only heard him once today when he revved his truck, but I’ve had music playing most of the day. I did hear a few minutes of barking, but that’s been it so far.

After we left the parks we had a half-hour to kill, so we went to a drug store where we both got some candy and I got One Pearl Fits All Whisper lipstick by Maybelline. I’d seen it advertised online and thought it may be cool to try. It should be renamed as Invisible since I can barely see it. Shoulda got Mad for Magenta.

Meanwhile, Nancy’s never going to get back online, Molly’s always 161 pounds no matter how much weight she claims to have lost, and Dorene hasn’t harassed me. Could take a week or two before she does, if she’s going to do so.

Later…

Some people really do get it all in life. Anything they want, just snap their fingers, pray to God, wish upon a star, and voila! It’s theirs. Some people get everything, some people get some things, and some people don’t get shit, and I really, really wonder why. Tom thinks it’s totally random, but I’m not so sure about that. Why do I feel like I’m one of the ones being singled out and picked on so much of the time if that were true?

The person I’m referring to is Kathy. The only thing that’s different in this case is that she’s a good person getting good things, things she deserves. It’s a refreshing break after seeing so many assholes succeed and so many good people fail. I don’t know every single thing about her, but she truly does seem to have it all – a great husband who she loves the hell out of and who seems to love her just as much, a decent home, even if she may rent it, a decent job, and now she’s having the baby she’s been dying for for months. She was starting to fear that she’d never be able to have kids. Well, not only do our fears have a way of manifesting themselves at times, but she’s just the type of person God would deny a child to. How many crackheads or abusers do you know that claim they can’t have kids? Yet she just learned she’s pregnant and is saying how “awesome” God is.

If He’s so “awesome,” then what about all those women who also prayed just to be ignored and denied a child? I was once one of them. Remember? I’m happy as hell for her and I believe both she and her husband will make great parents, but there’s a bit of sadness that’s come over me, remembering how I so hopelessly prayed to a God who didn’t give a shit what I wanted. I’m glad things turned out the way they did but I still feel a touch of anger when I remember the emotional baggage I carried for what seemed like way too many years. Oh, the things God has denied me! What are the odds of being born with the kind of birth defect I have AND this type of rare sleep disorder AND denied true lust AND a husband who can’t perform AND a light sleeper unable to sleep with her husband AND given a driving phobia AND denied a child AND later the right to even have sex in the first place unless I did it with someone that I love but don’t lust and that loves but doesn’t lust me? Come on, if that’s not being singled out and shit on, what is? And this is excluding the abusive family and letting a pack of hating blacks and their corrupt pig pal legally beat me down for years. I won’t even get into the poverty and noise curse issues. Oh! And didn’t I once want to be a singer and have that denied me as well? Let’s not forget that one, too.

Well, let’s just hope for Kathy’s sake that God doesn’t cause her to miscarry one kid after another cuz she’s also the classic candidate for that, too. If she manages to have this kid, then wow. She has got to be the luckiest and most loved person on God’s list. I can’t think of anything else this girl wants that she can’t have. Her only flaw that I can see is that she’s obese. Well, getting pregnant isn’t going to help that, but afterward, she’s still young enough that she should be able to get the weight off without practically starving, and keep it off for a decade or so before it gets to be a problem again that’s much harder to control. I’m never going to get my own weight off, that’s for sure, because I simply can’t live on 800 calories a day. I don’t even bother counting calories anymore. Why try to fight the inevitable?

Meanwhile, I’ll never be spoiled by God like Kathy has, nor do I ever expect or want to be. I just wish He’d let us find the ideal home where we could both live in peace. That’s all I want on top of basic health, happiness and security.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2013 I think I’ll do an entry before I get even more tired. I’m a little tired because I didn’t sleep 8 hours last night and kept waking up along the way. I’m just glad I didn’t have any nightmares. I hate it when I know I had tons of dreams and when I make a mental note to remember one I awoke from just to not be able to remember a damn thing when I get up. Something about hotels, apartments, and an old house. Better than dreams about going blind.

Ended up taking an unexpected Midol nap yesterday so that’s part of why I was up past midnight. I took the Midol for period cramps (what is it with this heavy bleeding lately?) and it made me as drowsy as Benadryl does. I said to myself, I’ll just go lie down for a few minutes. I felt so heavy once I hit the bed and then a few minutes became a few hours.

I’ve had 2 of my 3 rounds of eye pressure checks today. One more air blast to go, then hopefully I won’t have to return for several months! I may not know what the readings are today, though, cuz the doctor is out sick. Some other doctor is covering for him, but the secretary said she can’t stay the whole day. So I guess he’ll have to call tomorrow. Got a feeling the pressure isn’t down, but hopefully I’ll be wrong, and hopefully I’ll be that 4 out of every 5 people that have OH just because. They understand that 1 in 5 with OH develop glaucoma, but they don’t yet understand why some of us have OH for seemingly no reason at all. I just hope I’m one of the no reasons.

Grabbed a pink chain for my bifocals at the eye doctor so I can take my glasses off in the car but not have to put them in my purse and fish around for them later.

We grabbed a few hundred in cash, then it was off to shop after my first blast of air at 8:30. First, we went to Target. While he searched for a belt with no metal, so he doesn’t have to keep taking his belt off to go through the metal detectors at work, I went in search of a favorite brand of panties. I figured that since I decided my favorite bra is the C9 Champion sports bra, now I should favorite the lower part of me as well. I settled on a couple of pairs of Gilligan O’Malley undies, and after my shower later on, we’ll see if they fit as well as I think they will. I got a size small in black and one with a floral print, too.

I thought of Andy and laughed since he hates flowers. Not as much as he’d hate our new car stereo. It is sooo cool! The dial slowly cycles through a rainbow of colors. It does quite a bit for $100. It has a USB port, Bluetooth and more. We didn’t get new speakers since ours are adequate enough. The car stereo that came with the car broke so that’s why we got a new one. Might even get a new car soon, but instead of selling this one, we’d keep it as a backup.

Also at Target, I got 4 fuchsia fast-dry bath towels that were on sale for $4 a piece to replace the absolutely shitty towels we’ve got now that are the absolute worst we ever had. I don’t know the brand, but oh the lint they drop! There’s pink and purple fuzz all over the walls, and I don’t see how they haven’t fully disintegrated by now. Not sure I want to use the new towels here or not.

I looked at wedge sandals but all the heels on the ones I saw were either too low or too high.

Then it was off to KFC where he got the usual barbecued chicken sandwich, and I got a 2-piece chicken meal with potato wedges and mac-n-cheese. I couldn’t eat it all so Tom finished it off for me. Their chocolate chip cookies rock. Very chocolatey.

Next up was K-Mart, since Tom didn’t find a belt with a plastic clasp at Target. There I got a variety pack of lotion on sale – white chocolate, chocolate mint, vanilla frost, red velvet, warm vanilla, sugar candy and cotton candy.

It’s getting kind of close to when we have to take off again, so I’ll finish with the shopping and all that later.

Later…

Okay, now I can finish up our long, but fun day. As I said before, I had the first eye pressure test at 8:30, then we went to Target, K-Mart, Radio Shack and Best Buy. We didn’t get anything at Radio Shack. We only went to see if they had a holder for Kindles that we could hook to our headboard shelf so I could read in bed hands-free. The thing is kind of heavy for these little hands of mine. They didn’t have one, though, and neither did Best Buy (where we got the car stereo), so we ordered the holder, plus the belt he wanted, online.

We made two more stops before my second test. We went to the pet store and got the rats a new pink transparent plastic burrow, which will be easier to clean than the old, smelly wooden one, which I have donated to the wildlife. I placed it down toward the back of the property.

We also got them a hanging stack of colored wood chews with a little bell on the bottom. I almost got them a soft fuzzy hammock but didn’t think they’d really use it.

On the way into the Goodwill I said to Tom, “Watch, now that I just ordered incense, they’ll have tons of it.” And they did. I got opium, rainforest, china rain, obsession, cool water and vanilla.

I also got a cute magenta-colored teddy bear with a white ribbon around its neck, and yes, I know I’m 47, and no, I don’t care if you think I’m utterly insane. It was a cutie! It sits on the bed and looks adorable.

Then I got a 4-pack of body mists – pumpkin brulee, spiced cider, choco latte and peppermint twist. Yes, I am obsessed with smells. I must’ve tried on at least half a dozen perfume testers in the various stores.

After my second test, we went home. I’m getting kind of tired since it’s been a long day and I’ve been up since 6am, so I’ll finish the day tomorrow.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2013 Tomorrow’s my eye appointment. Here’s to hoping the pressure is down! The reason for doing 3 pressure tests throughout the day is to see how much it fluctuates. Glaucoma is more likely the more it fluctuates, so hopefully there won’t be any big swings, and hopefully he won’t recommend eye drops. If he thinks I need them, then he thinks I’m at risk. The more risk he thinks there is, the more he’ll want to take preventative measures.

I was whining to Tom about how long the move is taking, then we were both laughing when he reminded me that part of that is due to our plans that keep changing along the way. All we wanted to do was have at least 3K saved by his birthday last June – and we did – so we could rent a place. But then we found that owning a manufactured home would be much cheaper than renting a house. So, since we were sick of dealing with management companies, landlords, etc., we decided to go for that which meant holding out longer to save more money. Now we have enough saved for something decent, but not the greatest credit. So now we have to clean that up and hope nothing else comes up to delay us.

I knew God wouldn’t make it easy for us and that He would be against what we’re doing. My pain has always been his pleasure, and while I’m certainly not in any “pain” right now and life is otherwise great, I knew He wouldn’t have seen to it that we lost two places if He wanted us owning. Well, we may not always have as much free will as we’d like, and sometimes we get caught up in circumstances beyond our control that take some time to escape, but we WILL one day own again. That much is going to be up to US. I don’t know if it’ll be in our favorite park, but we’re not going to settle either.

Nane once said that if I had any doubts, don’t do it. This was sound advice too, cuz if you have any doubts it’s usually for a reason, and moving into a place full of doubt instead of excitement is never a good thing. My gut instinct has rarely let me down, so I’m going to trust whatever it tells me.

If we can’t get a hold of the realtor to show us the new Skyline tomorrow in the park that’s here in town, we’ll at least drive by it. Finding out who owns that strip of grass between it and next door would be nice to do since I know we could never get lucky enough to get next to those who love only cats or nothing at all.

Later…

Definitely gotta keep most of this entry private. Good news: They just jacked my husband’s income to 50K. Bad news: Part of the way they do that is because the 10-hour shifts are back, including Saturday, which means we’ll never have time to move no matter how much money we have. We probably won’t really make 50K in the end, but there’s no way in hell we’ll be under 40K.

Talk about being overcompensated! Sometimes we really do get what we ask for… tenfold. Less than two years ago we were wishing someone would give him just two lousy weeks of work and now he can’t stop working. Less than one year ago I was thinking how wonderful it would be to have vision coverage and now I can’t stop going to the damn eye doctor (hopefully tomorrow will be it for a year).

Tom’s ordering new work shoes to help his feet and asked if I wanted anything. Sure. How ‘bout some incense? So I got ten 20-packs of patchouli, lavender, strawberry, cedarwood, apple cider, peach, scary night, shower and flowers, a variety pack consisting of love, musk and honeysuckle, and one containing cinnamon, vanilla and raspberry.

Another reason I wanted to keep this private is that I don’t want to mention Dorene’s rudeness and paranoia in public for fear of it encouraging her to harass me, but much more importantly, harassing my friends. I could just keep blocking the bitch, but with my friends, it would be different. I could explain the situation to them if they were harassed and questioned me about it, but I would feel so damn bad as hell that they got sucked up into this bitch’s web of shit. Wish I could tell myself not to worry or care about what happens to others, but I do care. I do care if you’re someone that really matters to me. Unfortunately, she blocked me before I could block her, which means I’ve got to watch my friend list and block her if she reappears on the list. I also set my friend list so only I see it, not that she couldn’t see friends who have posted things and left comments and likes.

Dorene is a 32-year-old, bisexual mulatto woman living in New York who also attended Valleyhead. We never met, though, cuz she was there a decade after I was. While I knew she was moody and opinionated, she was still smart, unlike Kim and Molly. She attends college and seems to want to really make something of her life. While most of her posts were nasty, vengeful and full of anger, I could also relate to a lot of what she said, and the posts were well-written. Sometimes they were even funny even when they weren’t meant to be since she often added a touch of humor to even the more serious posts.

I liked Dorene even though the posts pertaining to color and race would get old. “I’m an Oreo,” she would randomly come out and post, and I’d be thinking, so? I’m white. Should I tell the whole world? Should I flaunt it and be proud of it? Should I try to use it against those that piss me off? Then I would just roll my eyes and move on.

I knew that most of the claims of discrimination were, as with most blacks these days, more than likely fabricated or at least imagined. So many blacks see racism where it simply does NOT exist. Like today. She posted that she was being discriminated against because two rental companies told her she needed to make 2.5 times her rent. I don’t usually say anything on most of her posts cuz I always figured she’d take it all wrong or read things in that weren’t there. But today I did. Friends are supposed to be able to share their thoughts, right? So I told her that this is common everywhere and that color has nothing to do with these income requirements. They told Tom and I that we’d need to make something like 3 times the space rent for one of the parks we checked out.

Anyway, I don’t know what she didn’t get about what I said or where she thought I was saying they should be allowed to discriminate against those with disabilities because then I got, “Are you implying they should discriminate against those with disabilities or who are low income? How dare you assume shit, blah, blah, blah… and leave rude comments, blah, blah, blah…” Then it was off on a poor-poor-black people tangent and I’m like, what’s race or color got to do with income requirements?

Really, I am sick to death of some groups’ non-stop whining. There is no appeasing and satisfying some folks! Blacks may not be as bad as Muslims, but sometimes they really make it hard for others to give them a chance and to like them and to be their friend. Why don’t people see these people for the hating, paranoid, excuse-making, finger-pointing, lazy assholes so many of them can be? Because they don’t want to? They cry discrimination in everything. Everyone’s always out to get them, so they think. But then why are most prisoners these days white? Well, it isn’t cuz more whites commit more crimes but because they’re the ones not getting away with it.

We drove through this rundown neighborhood that was predominantly black and I shook my head in sad disgust. Why? Because it’s not 1950! It doesn’t have to be this way anymore. They have more opportunities at their disposal these days than whites ever had. There is so little discrimination these days (that’s actually real) and they are given first dibs on nearly everything. Yet too many of them still choose to join gangs, jump on welfare, sit at home and resort to a life of crime. But why? If they’re physically and mentally able to work, why? They don’t have to live like this anymore! Some may fall on hard times just like everyone else, but really, I’m all outa sympathy for these folks. Give some folks the world and they’ll still shit on you cuz enough is never enough for angry, vengeful people who feel the need to try to avenge the past and take advantage of all that’s given to them, even if it means fucking people over by reverse discriminating against them.

Then I get one final message about having my husband’s money to “hide” behind (always that evil homemaker. So what if she works part-time online and does her best despite a seriously debilitating sleep disorder that greatly hinders and limits what she can do and when she can do it), stop dressing like a 5-year-old (what does the way I dress have anything to do with her misunderstanding my point?), and go to hell, white bitch (again, only she sees and mentions color).

Well, I’m no longer open to making new friends no matter how kind they may seem at first and no matter what their color or nationality. There are just too many crazies out there misunderstanding the simplest things and going off over nothing. Tell someone to have a good day and they just might take it as you telling them to kill their family and then themselves. Andy, Nane, Mary, Adonis, Alison and those I’m closest to online really help make up for these assholes and I love and appreciate them all the more for it.

I didn’t bother to waste my time trying to defend myself or explain that she missed my point. I’m only writing about it here because that’s what a journal is for. I can tell people something, but I can’t make them get it. I don’t need this kind of childish drama in my life either, and she can go take her moods out on others. When shit hits me, I remove myself from it. It’s easier that way.

But this is the type of person to stalk people. It’s not just something I suspect, but that she herself has actually admitted to, and quite proudly. Oh yeah, she’s admitted to plenty of acts of revenge she’s taken pleasure in, and to stalking old friends, girlfriends and boyfriends. So this isn’t something I’m just assuming.

Then a friend of hers messaged me (it went to my ‘other’ box) asking me who the hell I think I am and how Dorene’s sharing my pics to laugh at with others.

Fine with me. If I was worried about pics being shared, they’d never be online anywhere at any time to begin with. Without replying, I blocked the childish bitch.

Hopefully, Dorene and her cronies will leave me and my friends alone, though I’d rather her hit me with 20 messages a day than just 1 to a friend, especially my family. After dealing with Molly and then Kim, I don’t need troll #3 to have to play block it with. Fortunately, I’m not nearly as reachable as I used to be.

A part of me still misses Ask, despite the never-ending slew of trolls that pestered me and then latched onto those I would communicate with regularly there. I’m going to wake that account up late in the night in the next day or two just to keep it alive in case I ever change my mind and decide to use it again. I like to keep my options open. If only trolls, as a rule, didn’t pester our friends! I don’t mind deleting and blocking their shit that much. That’s easy enough to do. But I feel terrible when they involve others who have nothing to do with whatever it is they’ve decided is so evil about me that I must be stalked, hounded, followed and pestered.

Wonder if she has my blog links? She knows about MyOpera because she commented on them (on FB since she couldn’t do it on the blog). This isn’t important, though. She can’t access me there and there’s no one to mess with there. My friends there are people I’m either very close to that would go to bat for me in a heartbeat and that wouldn’t buy anything the crazy bitch said, or they’re nearly strangers.

There’s a spider on the wall. I think I’ll go “hide” behind my husband and make him kill it.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2013 Woke up both excited and bummed out. Excited to know we found the park we want to live in, but bummed to know that we might be many months away from having good enough credit to get into it. I keep trying to tell myself there are worse things in life than being here another year, but it’s bad enough. Yes, I really want to get into this park, we both love it, but another year of loud vehicles, pesky landlords, old dumps, insufficient space and a crappy internet connection? It’s too bad I can’t stand apartments. We could hole up there for a year, and even if it were a small 1-bedroom, at least it would have cable and not be as old as this place. But in truth, I wouldn’t get any sleep, and if our credit isn’t good enough for the park, it may not be good enough for a rental company either unless we got a cheap dump in the slums which is never going to happen. So… the waiting game must go on. Hopefully, there won’t be too many problems with this dump before we leave it, but we’ll almost certainly have to deal with the roofing excursion. I really hope that doesn’t take too many days!

Exchanged a few messages with Nane yesterday, who’s to be busy catching up for the next few days. The poor girl is hating how cold it is there after having such beautiful weather for a week. We’re going to be in the 70s here by the end of the week.

Tammy and I wrote our own 1-year-anniversary memorials to Dad (I can’t wait to see what she comes up with for Mom’s in September) and we were laughing our asses off about an idea I’d had for a Mother’s Day card if we could resurrect her just long enough for it. A picture of a cockroach jelly sandwich (which totally grossed Tom and Andy out) with a note inside saying: Eat shit and die again, bitch!

I was thinking about how mom pitted her against me as well as others she’s come between and tried to get on her side and against this one or that one as if it were a fucking high school popularity contest or something, and I gotta wonder what could make a person so sick, but mostly so mean. For what good, honest, rational reason would she try to pit Tammy against me??? What kind of mother pits one of her kids against another? I just don’t get it or see any sense or logic to that whatsoever. It just seems so wrong, unfair and unnecessary.

Nothing potentially meaningful or even interesting in last night’s dreams. Although I can’t remember them, I had a few dreams of Adonis probably because he’s the last one I chatted with online before bed.

Speaking of Adonis, I learned yesterday that he’s one of the ones picking on Molly on her blog. Molly’s mysterious friend still leaves words of encouragement as well, and I’m still not sure who it is. But Adonis gave himself away by making a common grammatical error that I’ve only known him to make. It seems that one of the girls at Marbridge who may be picking on her is named Gemma, but he spelled it with one m. I know this is kind of dishonest of me, but as a test, I told Adonis in public on Facebook that I had a dream he told me he pulled a prank on someone we both knew, and he messaged me to ask that I remove that comment. So that pretty much confirmed my suspicion that it was he who told her he thought she still needed help and shouldn’t be online.

I agree. I don’t see one tiny shred of change in Molly other than that she is kept busy enough that she can’t spend nearly as much time online as she used to. I dread the day when she can! But she’s still the same old naturally miserable whackjob as always, saying she’s not talking about her former friends in one breath, but then missing them in the next. Nothing but anger, sadness and anxiety from her with very little joy mixed in.

Kim, if the Maya account really is hers, hasn’t posted anything in a couple of weeks, and Nancy’s never going to get back online.

Kim seems to be oh-so well-behaved lately, but I’m not fooled. I know the celebrity friend requests stopped because I tweaked my settings, I know the MD messages stopped because she knows I’ll publish her messages (after a little editing), and I know I don’t hear from her because she can’t comment on my other blogs or ask me “questions” on Ask. She probably fears I’ll go to her sister again if she starts her shit back up again with me, but I won’t. I won’t because I know she won’t help me. I doubt she’s really all that worried about the sister and the publishing of her messages. Clearly, she has no conscious and clearly she doesn’t care what happens to her. If anything getting in trouble would be one more reason to feel sorry for herself and one more thing to blame on others.

Tom looked in my ear, said it looked beautifully clean, and so that told me that there was something else going on besides the pressure of when it gets gunked up with dead skin. Probably has to do with the eardrum getting sucked back like the doctor in Oregon said. sighs I just wish I’d never had the damn surgery to begin with!

Another surprise, painless period with heavy bleeding. The bleeding didn’t last long, but I still wonder why my cycle is so screwy now. I’m two days early, too. I may have cramps tomorrow.

Later…

My friend Mary is a victim’s advocate and she is the absolute best advocate to have. Not just because she’s smart, compassionate and good with words, but because she knows what it’s like to be a victim, suffering at the hands of an abusive monster that never should’ve been given the right to grace this planet with its evil presence.

Mary not only shares thoughts, links and videos pertaining to victims of domestic violence, but those that also expose corrupt officials, laws and prison systems, both foreign and not. We probably don’t agree on every single issue, but I think it is wonderful that she posts such enlightening material. Issues that certainly need to be addressed and dealt with properly.

One of the videos she shared showed 4 or 5 Russian guards beating the shit out of a male prisoner that was resisting giving up his civilian clothes for prison duds. The inmate was screaming like crazy as he was hit, kicked, punched and slapped. While it was clearly prisoner abuse and while I have no idea why these guards would film themselves engaging in the kind of corruption that I would think could get them in an awful lot of trouble (though I’m not familiar with Russian laws), I said to myself, “I wonder what this prisoner was convicted of because if it’s anything violent or sexual, I’m not going to feel bad for this guy.”

Sure enough, he was in for 3 years for assault. Seems like he was just getting a taste of his own medicine to me. Yeah, sometimes karma really does bite us in the ass. Okay, so two wrongs may not make a right and guards shouldn’t be allowed to beat the snot out of their prisoners, but it’s really hard for me to feel sorry for this guy any more than I could feel sorry for a rapist that gets raped behind bars, etc. If this guy had assaulted me, I’d probably be cheering the guards on. Although no one ever laid a hand on me, if anyone knows what it’s like to be legally railroaded, it’s me. And if anyone is against corrupt law enforcement officials, it’s me. But my sympathy falls short of those who are simply getting what they dished out. Now this guy knows firsthand what it’s like to be assaulted. Maybe he’ll remember the next time he’s on the outs and thinks of kicking ass.

Rather than enclose the link to the video here, just ask if you want it and I will get it to you.

I can’t help but see some of the latest headlines when I check my email, and seeing one about a 76-year-old mother who smothered her baby daughter in 1957 who’s only now going to do just a measly 45 days in jail and 10 years probation only makes me hate God even more right along with the people in this sick, crazy world.

I used to laugh at those who said God gave us free will. After all, we can’t always be where we want to be and do what we want to do when we want to do it. Sometimes we can never do it at all. But maybe we do have more free will than I realized considering God’s I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. In other words, God may as well have said to this woman back in 57, “Go ahead, kill your kid. I don’t care. I’m not going to bother getting involved or stopping you, and when you do finally get punished decades later, it’ll barely be a slap on the wrist, so go ahead, do what you want lady. I don’t give a fuck about you or your innocent child that never did a damn thing wrong other than be born to the wrong person.”

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2013 Happy 1-year anniversary on the other side, Dad! Well, maybe not “happy” unless the afterlife is a lot more fun than this one. Is there even an afterlife in the first place? Well, if there is, please, please, please take a bat to your wife’s head for me. You wouldn’t do it here, so… if you two are together in the afterlife and she’s not frying in hell, then it’s never too late to do what you, God and the law failed to do here and that’s to finally give her what she deserves!

So Nancy’s birthday would turn out to be D-Day for Dad. She hasn’t appeared to be on Facebook yet either, but I’m sure she’ll be in soon to suck up whatever attention her birthday will bring her. She’s got hundreds of friends but only ONE birthday wish so far, LOL. Good going, Nance!

Let’s see… what else? My ear has been annoying me on and off and we’ll be leaving for the IHOP and to check out parks in an hour or so.

Later…

We left just before 6am, jumped on the freeway, then realized we had forgotten Tammy’s IHOP gift card. Too lazy to turn back and loaded with oodles of money, we ate at Denny’s instead. I’m sure Tammy’s gonna get a kick out of us forgetting to take her card, but the card doesn’t expire and the IHOP isn’t going anywhere, so it’ll wait.

Denny’s was just so-so. I got the T-bone and eggs. The steak was tough, but the eggs, biscuit and red potatoes were pretty good. Tom got an omelet, which he enjoyed very much.

Since the gates weren’t yet open at the “Beverly Hills” park, we headed for Sacramento. The idea was to see the kind of neighborhood the park where you own a percentage of it was located, but thanks to Google who gave us the wrong directions, we simply wasted gas and time. The wetlands looked kind of cool as we passed by the Sacramento River delta.

We passed by the Northgate area too, where the extended-stay hotel was that we were stuck in for 8 months before coming here. I asked Tom if he thought Michelle was still there. Michelle, who worked the front desk, was one of those who was attractive and ugly at the same time. She had a great personality and would often do what she could to accommodate us. At extended-stay hotels, the housekeeper usually only cleans once a week. So depending on my schedule she’d either have the housekeeper come early or at the end of the day.

I joked with him about stopping by the office and, if she were still there, asking to hold off on the housekeeping. Then she’d be like, “Wow, when did you guys come back?!” Then we could really fuck with her head and insist we never left, hahaha.

We hadn’t gotten very far into the park Tom was excited to show me before I readily agreed it is indeed the Rolls Royce of parks! It was utterly gorgeous. Even nicer than the Diamond K Estates all had nice new homes with garages. It looks like a regular neighborhood with regular houses. Most of the houses are really nice and out of our league at the moment, but they do have some that are easily affordable. We could take out a 10-year loan for a nicer place, but we don’t want that kind of debt. Space rent is one thing, but we like to own things outright – cars, houses, everything. Also, we should be able to get something plenty nice enough for much less. Who needs wet bars anyway? Tom never drinks and I almost never do.

The homes range from 10K to over 100K and the park itself is just beautiful. It’s no wonder the homes and space rent are a bit pricey. You can breathe a little easier at this park cuz it’s not so damn cramped and the houses aren’t right on the street either. The roads aren’t so narrow and everything around you is so well maintained. This is the nicest park.

It was so cool when we turned onto one of the streets and saw the fountain shooting up from the center of the large manmade lake in the center of the park. The lakeside houses are obviously more expensive, but it would still be nice to be on one of the streets where you could at least see the lake at the end of it. It’s not a must, but it would still be nice. Especially the fountains. I wonder if the people closest to it feel a mist on windy days.

There were 5 or 6 wild turkeys slowly meandering around which was kind of cool. They seem so brave, though I’m sure they’d run if someone approached them. They’re sure are huge, too! They had to be around 50 pounds.

I didn’t like all the cars. Several houses had 2, even 3 cars parked by it. That could get pretty damn door-slammy with the way people are in and out so often, but I’d rather 2-3 cars parking on me there than 1 parking on me at the “sardine” park which was the worst one we’ve seen so far. That one was unbelievably cramped and mostly consisted of dumpy old single-wides.

I would still prefer not to have anyone’s driveway running alongside our place, or for people to make a habit of hanging outdoors gabbing and whatnot outside our place, but again, I’d take that there over other places as I don’t think it’d be nearly as annoying there given the layout, spacing and the way the houses are set up. I’m sure anyone I shared pics of the place with would be impressed. It’s that nice. Totally worth the space rent which ranges between $600 - $750. A little high, but still easily affordable. We pay $825 here.

The problem is that there’s a nasty catch to every single goddamn thing we want in life. Our credit is no longer shitty, but doesn’t meet their requirements yet. We know without a doubt we could eventually get in there and we know we could find something affordable there in an acceptable location within the park. There were only a few shaky locations, but again, I’d rather those than most other parks. We even saw the two places we had our eye on but didn’t get, and yes, they’re in ideal locations. But we didn’t have 10K last summer, and we don’t want a place that was set up poorly and therefore not structurally sound. They already started ripping out the old carpet, so we saw. It looked like brand-new sculpted carpet online, but Tom said it was just horrible.

It’s not the impossible dream. That’s the good news. The bad is that although it probably won’t, it could take another year before we can get in. It’s going to depend on how strict the park is about their precious magic numbers when it comes to credit scores. While we’re both quick to say we’d rather wait for first best than take second best right away, we also don’t want to remain in the shadow of the Jes pest another year. Just the thought of another year of this dial-up slow Internet connection for another year makes me want to scream. The only thing that’s gotten better here is the barking. I rarely hear them anymore. Makes me think someone’s been staying with him, cuz as soon as he’d take off, especially at this time of year, they’d go batshit crazy for hours. But neither of us wants to live like bums is his microscopic dump while we listen to his fleet of vehicles coming and going, deal with his never-ending slew of projects, and fight to stay online.

So, while we definitely want to aim for this park, we also want to keep all our options open while we’re at it. That means that we’re still going to check out that 1999 Skyline on Wednesday, along with another older, bigger place here in town.

Still… I can’t help but think of the few clues my dreams have yielded thus far – tons of citrus trees, 12K, blue and or tan, right-side parking. I don’t know about the colors as they’re kind of common, and most of the places have right-side parking, but there are some 12K houses in the super nice park (Lakeview) which happens to be in Citrus Heights. I’m hoping the closer we get, the more dream clues I’ll get. Unfortunately, I still don’t think we’re close yet which would explain why I haven’t had many dreams at this point. The “April change” dream could’ve simply meant we’d get my inheritance then, but the dream where I said we’d be over in Lincoln couldn’t have meant anything. Not after learning that the park there is for all ages.

We estimate being able to save another 20K if we are here another year, and that’s without putting much effort into it. If we actually put some serious effort and skimped on things, we could save closer to 30K. For now, it’s back to waiting… listening to Jesse… waiting… listening to Jesse… and dreading the number of plumbing issues we’d be looking at in the interim until we one day take back what God took from us…twice.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2013 Nancy still doesn’t appear to have logged onto Facebook to find what goodies await her there. This should please No One very much. BTW, I appreciate all the comments about how I’m simply expressing myself and all that and not harming anyone. I agree.

On today’s menu is laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom, working out, and doing a whole lotta reading and writing.

We’re hoping to check out a house or two for sale here in Auburn when I see the eye doctor on Wednesday. At least I haven’t had any bad dreams about my eyes. I decided that this is it. I don’t want to keep going back to this guy till I need new glasses. So what if I have a touch of elevated pressure? I have too many other things to deal with now like moving, dentists and other doctors. So no matter what he says, I’m not coming back. As they say, ignore big problems and they only get bigger. Ignore little problems and they go away.

Nothing really significant dream-wise. Just snippets of things. Tom and I have been talking about moving more often in my dreams. I’d like to take that as a sign that the move is getting closer, but I still think we’ll be here a long time. There’s simply no time for moving no matter how much money we save. Tomorrow, though, after the IHOP, we’re going to check out some parks.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2013 I ordered our groceries online this morning, and Tom’s going to pick them up on the way home from work. How nice it will be for him to be able to just run in, pay, grab the bags and go, instead of having to pull things off the shelf after what will probably be a 10-hour shift. Poor guy’s gotta work tomorrow too, not surprisingly, and as always, he has mixed emotions about it. He’d love to have the whole weekend off, but he loves the money, too.

He has worked so hard and I have done so much around the house besides hoping my eyes don’t turn into any big deal, that in between the 3 trips to the eye doctor during the 27th, we’re going to treat ourselves to some fun. This will include plenty of eating and shopping, and if I want a $200 dress or he wants a $300 gadget of some kind – fine. So be it. We deserve it! Knowing us, though, we probably won’t even spend $100 that day.

I misunderstood Tammy. The next step is to actually try some treatments on her lungs. It’ll only be if that fails that she’ll have the lung transplant, so hopefully the treatments will work! How strange that would be to be put out and then wake up breathing through someone else’s lungs. Just wish she’d quit her damn smoking! If I could quit so can she.

Been brushing my teeth with baking soda to see if it whitens them as I heard it does, but it irritates my gums if I do it too often, so I’ll do it every few days or so and see what happens.

Rihanna’s back with her abusive BF, so I’ve heard, and 3 young sisters ranging from 9 to 11 were raped and murdered in India. Again I am left to wonder two things – what makes some women crave abuse, and what makes people think that God is good? I try to let people have their own way of thinking, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder about people. Unless there is another entity separate from God that’s just plain evil and that is more powerful than God, God is not good. Yet a frightening amount of people still seem to think He is. I just don’t get that and how any being with a supposed limitless amount of power that doesn’t step in and intervene when it comes to such atrocities can be considered good. I guess that is for them to know and for me not to understand. For me, the final straw with God came in 2000. I promised myself I would never forgive Him and I don’t think I could even if I wanted to, but no, I definitely don’t want to. At this point in my life, while hearing of these tragedies may only fuel my hate for Him, rather than hate Him or not hate Him, I’d rather just not think of Him as much as possible and I would prefer it if He would ignore me as well. I always advised people to just not have anything to do with those they don’t like. Well, if God doesn’t like me, and I don’t like Him, why shouldn’t we do the same thing?

As for Rihanna, women like that really make me sick. It’s sad that some of them enjoy pain and abuse so much that they would actually go back to someone who beat the shit out of them when they have all the money, support and resources in the world to avoid sickos like Chris. There’s got a be a million guys that are hot for her, so why him??? I’m not a celebrity follower, so I don’t know much about her personality or what’s caused this obvious illness/addiction of hers. Just that she’s attractive and has a great voice. But if I were her I’d seek counseling to try to find out why I thought I didn’t deserve better than Chris and why I thought I deserved and even enjoyed getting my ass beat. I just don’t get it. Is it the thrill of being in danger that turns this chick on? Does she actually like pain? Is it just loads of fun to be kicked and slapped around? Does it, in her mind, give her a reason to feel sorry for herself? Is that what she gets off on; feeling sorry for herself and getting sympathy from others? Well, the next time Chris beats her ass – and I don’t see why he wouldn’t since guys like that don’t usually change and she’s already shown that she won’t fight back and will stick around and take it – I won’t feel sorry for her. She’s not responsible for other people’s actions, of course, but when you stick your hand into the tiger’s den, what do you expect? Then again, when he does go to jail for his next assault, it’ll only be for 5 minutes cuz he’s rich, famous, black and male.

What I’d really love to see is for Chris to hit the wrong woman, but that’s the problem with these cocks. Like a vicious dog senses and preys on fear, they usually try to avoid women who will fight back. If they didn’t, the violence against men stats would go up dramatically.

Woe to the cock that ever even thinks of raising a hand to me. I’m faster and stronger than most people, but if I can’t beat your ass black, blue and bloodied with my bare hands, you bet I’ll be coming back for you with mace or a stun gun to render you helpless just long enough to make you regret the day you were born. :)

Later…

So I get this message from No One (noone) scolding me for how I handled Nancy. Read the entry titled “Ha Ha, Nancy” to understand who I’m talking about.

Haven’t I seen that email before? Hmm… I think they may’ve scolded me before, but either way, No One (Aimee in FL? Lauren in NY?) says this:

“Do you ever think that you bring on your own bad fate with your actions? You bitch all the time about how things aren’t going the way you think they should, and then you divulge that you exacted “revenge” on someone you knew 12 years ago? For what gain, exactly? To make yourself feel better? How selfish. You reap what you sow. If you put shit into the world, guess what you’re going to get back?”

All the time? So this is someone who follows me regularly? And why do so many people automatically assume that if something bad happens to us we must’ve brought it on ourselves? Sometimes bad things really do happen to good people. Things they didn’t ask for. Why is that so hard to accept?

And how am I “selfish” for giving someone something they would want to read anyway? I wrote and published these things long before I knew I’d ever find Nancy online and slipped her the link to the entries where I mention her, but I don’t see how doing this is getting “revenge.” Okay, so maybe I’m a bit of a mischievous devil, and maybe it was a bit childish, but how is it actually hurting her? And how can it make me feel better? It’s kind of funny, but it doesn’t make me feel either better or worse.

Maybe No One just needs to spend a little time in a jail cell along with a crazy bitch like Nancy to have a better understanding. Until then she can insult me all she wants, although I know that not everyone means to be insulting and that they’re just expressing their opinion. Well, I’m expressing mine, too. :)

As for things not going the way I think they should, actually most of them have for quite a while now. My life may not be perfect any more than anyone else’s, but I’d say it’s been pretty damn good lately.

I also wonder why I get chided for enacting revenge that really isn’t revenge. Okay, so maybe it might piss Nancy off or maybe she’ll be like yeah, yeah, whatever, but how come so many others can pull shit way worse than I usually pull and everybody’s quick to laugh and applaud THEM? Just wondering why the double standards.

If it makes you feel better, No One, Nancy may never even see the links. As most people know, Facebook has a million and one bugs they never want to fix.

BTW, if we reap what we sow, well, Nancy sowed me.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2013 Had a very long and detailed dream about being in the Witness Protection Program that it’s enough for one entry by itself. I took notes when I got up so I wouldn’t forget anything. It was one of those nightmares that wasn’t. Something bad happened to me, but I didn’t dream that part, fortunately.

I was supposedly home alone and it must’ve been closer to the city if not in the city because I could order a pizza there. With the pizza box in my hand, me not expecting it and it happening too fast to defend myself, the guy punched me harder than hard in the forehead. I was knocked out instantly and then raped and beaten for hours, so I would learn when waking up in the hospital.

Then I was at the police station, which had a Witness Protection Program that housed people like me upstairs. It was sort of like a hotel, though the rooms only had beds and bathrooms. You had to use a community kitchen.

Although the guy responsible was downstairs and in custody, he had friends on the outs working for him that the cops feared would hunt me down and kill me so I couldn’t testify against the guy, who I guess thought left me for dead and not just unconscious.

I was forbidden contact with Tom or friends in case the cock’s buddies were listening in.

Different officers hung out with me, then this cop (Officer John Teton? Tenon?) was assigned the job of “babysitting” me. I guess hiding in the rooms by ourselves above the PD wasn’t enough.

Although I wasn’t the least bit attracted to the 6-foot guy who was a little overweight with a bit of a gut, hazel eyes, brown hair, and a mustache, which I suspected was attracted to me, I found him to be a super nice guy. We had lots of intelligent conversations. At one point I expressed what a nightmare it would be if the perp broke out of his cell, knew I was upstairs, then came after me.

“Well, if he does I’ll shoot him for you,” Tenon said.

I gave him a smile that basically said, thanks. Glad to know you’d do that for me.

Eventually, the conversation shifted to certain sickos responsible for screwing me in another state and I asked Tenon if he’d heard about it.

“Just bits and pieces,” he said, “I’ll check it out later.”

“After you read what they said happened, check with me and I’ll tell you what really happened. The cops and media bought everything the so-called vics said without verifying anything first, if it was even verifiable at all.”

He nodded sympathetically and the next thing I knew, it was nighttime and we headed to our room for bed. I didn’t like that the room had just one bed, but I didn’t feel threatened. I was too tired to really care anyway and fell asleep fully dressed, facing away from Tenon.

Sometime in the night, I awoke to the bed shaking and Tenon chanting, “Why does my head hurt so bad, why does my head hurt so bad…?”

I got up, flipped the light on, and found him rocking back and forth on the edge of his side of the bed with his hands holding the sides of his head, obviously in excruciating pain. I waited a few minutes, but he kept up the slow rocking. “Any better?” I finally asked.

He shook his head. I stepped toward him and he started to talk. I cut him off and said, “John, I’m a psychic influencer and dream premonitioner, but you have to be quiet and let me do my thing.”

Instead of laughing or telling me I was full of shit, he quieted and gave a quick nod. I placed my index and middle fingers on his forehead as he lay back against the pillow, and concentrated really hard.

A few minutes later I said, “It’s gone now, isn’t it?”

He nodded and smiled. Then he jumped off the bed. I thought he was nauseous now and was going to run into the bathroom and puke. Instead, he reached for his phone and told whoever answered that I was “psychic as hell.” He said it with an I-found-gold kind of excitement.

Then he hung up and told me we were going to be moved closer to the perp to see what I could pick up from him.

“Why don’t you just take me to beat the living shit out of him instead?” I asked.

Instead of an answer, Tenon told me to hurry up and gather my stuff. Then he led me to an area where two corridors crossed. There was a bench, which I sat on by a couple of elevators. The bright lights hurt my tired eyes.

Tenon asked how I learned to do that and I told him that I didn’t. “It’s not something you learn, but something you one day realize you can just do. There’s no instruction manual on how to be psychic that you can just run out and buy, Tenon.”

Tenon turned to talk to some other officer and I tried to imagine Nane’s reaction when I could finally email her about the situation. Then a tall skinny black or mulatto woman with short hair that wasn’t in uniform walked by and said, “Come on.”

The dream ended with me following her and wondering if I’d ever see Tenon again. I shouted, “Thanks for all the card games,” but wasn’t sure he heard me.

This nearly 1,000-word dream was definitely one of the longest I’ve ever had!

Later…

The part of Walter’s message that I swear wasn’t visible yesterday magically reappeared today. I sent a copy to Tammy and Andy to check out, and I’m going to really wonder what the hell’s going on if they tell me they didn’t get it. Tammy’s got doctor’s appointments to deal with today, so she may not check in for a while. She said all she does is sleep. Poor thing.

I was recently telling my good friend Adonis that few blogs seize my attention, but one more did today. I guess my own blog, diary, journal – whatever you want to call it – snagged this guy Dorian’s attention because of my dreams and psychic experiences. So we got into a little discussion and I found his diary to be just as interesting and well written.

Tom says he really likes the idea of picking out a place around April cuz it gives us a chance to look at a bunch of places both cheap and more expensive. This way we’re not passing up something good by rushing into the first place we can get. By April we’ll have better credit and will have paid off our yearly bills. The car insurance thing is coming up soon. As he also said, if we find a great deal on a place beforehand, then fine. So if he and the dreams say April, then April it is.

Had to laugh when he said that by April the weather will be getting warmer and we’ll be able to judge how much activity there is around the place. Well, I can tell him about the activity cuz I know what it’ll be like cuz I have common sense. It goes like this: No one indoors when it’s not too cold, hot or rainy. Everyone must be outdoors landscaping, gardening or just enjoying the fresh air. There must be as many pedestrians as in the mainstream or close to it and most must be accompanied by a mutt.

At least there won’t be any kids or loud car stereos.

Besides, we could move in next to ideal neighbors that turn around and move a few months later and are replaced with trouble. It’s happened before. So what you see isn’t what you’ll always get. It just depends. All I know is that the bastard above loves to sic the wrong neighbors on us. So if they aren’t already there, I’m sure He’ll bring them to us at some point. That’s just one area in life God loves to torture me with. I still don’t fully believe He’s done beating us over the head with money either. I think He’ll find a way to get it out of our hands sooner or later. Clearly, though, our lives have been nothing but uphill overall since that miraculous job call came in September of 2011. It’s hard to believe God would suddenly decide to be so nice to us. So then what is being so nice to us and keeping God at bay? It’s like something made a deal with Him to leave us the fuck alone.

When Tom and I were talking earlier I was telling him how I’d never guess him to be with someone like me if I was a waitress that waited on him regularly or was a coworker or something like that. because he’s so kind and mellow I’d picture him to be with some shy, quiet, mousy woman who was quite ordinary. You know, “normal.” Because opposites don’t usually attract and people want duplicates they can relate to, I’d never guess him to be with a nutty, eccentric, feisty person like me who has so much trouble doing what comes so easily to most, and an easier time doing what most struggle with.

Later…

Sometimes I think of returning to Ask and not allowing for anonymous questions for a year or so. After all, Kim never harassed me there with a regular account. Molly may ask things, but I could just block or ignore her. She’s crazy but not Kim crazy. She’s also not afraid to contact people out of anonymity. Well… I’ll think about it. Maybe that would be better than eventually going from not there at all, to there and allowing anonymous questions. If they see me there for a long time without allowing anonymous questions, they may assume I’ll never allow them and not bother to follow me. I decided a while ago, though, that I don’t care if they read my blogs. And so what if they see pictures of our future home? It is only pictures. They won’t know where it is because I don’t post addresses online or any links containing addresses.

I’m not going to put this part online any more than the thing about Ask cuz Tammy said she didn’t tell Sarah everything. Her breathing tests were worse and she’s basically got two options. What she’s got isn’t curable so one option is to remove part of the lung that’s been giving her problems, or take some IV cancer medicine, as she put it, and begin the long road toward a possible lung transplant.

Ugh! Just ugh! Vengeful bitch at times or not, indirect hand in making my life hell for years or not, what a shitty thing to have to go through. Back when I had that dream that she died, I didn’t think she really would die, but I knew trouble was ahead. You can’t be like me and have a dream like that and not expect trouble.

Another thing that can’t go in public, or that I should at least “whisper” is Alison’s reply to my witness protection dream. She said: Coincidentally, just last night my mom called to ask me if I know a John who used to be an Omaha cop but now works in the criminal investigation unit of the FBI. I do, but I don’t know the last name (because I have very little to do with that department) and I don’t know if he has any ties with Witness Protection. Still, sometimes, Jodi, I swear you and I are, in a way, the same person. Very detailed dream, though!

It is really weird!

Last night’s dreams only consisted of Aly winning a Pulitzer, and some friend committing suicide. I don’t know who the friend was, but I was standing over their grave and saying, “I’m so, so sorry God gave you more than you could handle,” and went on to say what a bastard He was for it, how I’d miss them, and so on and so forth.

I know that how much money one makes isn’t necessarily a true measure of success. Quitting smoking, losing weight and getting fit is a huge measure of success right there as are so many other things in life. But sometimes I still feel as unaccomplished as I am accomplished. I feel like I have nothing to show for my efforts and that no matter how many languages I learn or how many stories I write, I will always be a failure of sorts. Does everybody feel like this at times?

How is it that I hate beer as much as I do for its nasty, bitter taste, yet I just love beer-battered products? Beer-battered fish and chicken rocks! And I just love how the rats get all excited when they smell me cooking. It’s so cute how they beg for whatever I’m making. We were all playing yesterday morning, and today I let them out to run around after Tom left. Sugar’s so cute the way he jumps and climbs all over me. Romeo mostly prefers to explore the vast, cavernous space under the futon, LOL.

I wish it would rain more here, but I have a feeling things are going to be very dry while we’re still here so the Jes pest can be outdoors being a pest. First I heard him buzzing around on the ATV, then loud vehicles coming and going, then banging. I don’t know if they were car doors slamming or him throwing things into a bin or something. I just know that it was too much from one person and too much to be hearing down here. Then again, how am I to know he was alone? Meanwhile, I’m sure that in a few hours when it’s warmer and lighter I’ll have to hear about whatever project he’s working on now. Too much rain gets depressing, but it sure would be nice if it could rain once or twice a week. The lack of summer rain is okay because then it’s too hot for the cock to be out as much. From now until June, though, he’ll live outdoors.

Make sure you give us outdoorsy neighbors with tons of company in the next place too, God. Oh, and be sure to set their mutts off on the way in and out with them and have them bark out of open windows – the ones closest to us – and make sure any visiting kids are screaming like hyenas. And don’t forget to maybe have a pipe or two burst under our street so I can listen to them digging up the road. Ooh, and how about having next door renovate or get a new AC or something like that? Of course, if you really want to be nice to us you could have the players involved be batshit crazy. That’d really be the icing on the cake, wouldn’t it be, Mr. Enabler?

Later…

OMG, this is sooo fucking funny! As I have so shamelessly written in all my journals, I was once framed by a crooked cop when my husband and I launched a city complaint against some welfare bums who once lived next to us and were personal friends of his. This landed me in jail for 6 months and I was eventually vindicated, and well, it’s a long story I could go on and on about, but I won’t.

Well, for a brief time in February of 2001, one of the worst cellies I ever had was a then 29-year-old girl named Nancy. She had a great body but a hideously ugly face. She was in for drugs, assault, and I think absconding, too.

The “toothless wad of acne” as I’d refer to her when she’d piss me off, really scared the shit out of me at one point that the detention officer on duty had to move me to another cell. It was too bad that Nancy turned out to be such a shit too, cuz other than her crazy, insane, unfuckingbelievably frustrating and even scary moods, she had a lot of good qualities. She was smart, she was mature, she was liberal, she was a good singer.

But Nancy obviously had a guilty conscience and plenty to hide given the fact that she was incredibly paranoid about the fact that I was keeping a journal and documenting every single experience I had at this jail from the inmates to the officers to the food to the living conditions to everything.

One day she totally flipped on me, and I mean flipped. She thought she was having a miscarriage when two tests confirmed she wasn’t pregnant, and decided to take it out on me. Not just by being a bitch but by threatening me. I’ll be the first to admit that Nancy could’ve kicked my ass, and God only knows what she’d have done had the DO not passed by when she did. Even if I could’ve kicked her ass, I still didn’t have the luxury of doing so because then I would have lost my visitation and commissary privileges. So it was a no-win situation either way.

She and Myra, in for child molestation, were the worst. For a week or two, they tormented me to no end with their mouth, taunts and threats, though it was always done through cooling/heating vents other than the first time Nancy threatened me as well as to tear up all my journals. Even after I was put in my own cell they continued to make their little threats, Nancy demanding the journals be turned over to her, Myra promising to shut up and leave me alone if I’d quit announcing to the whole pod what she’d done to her kids with her BF.

As most of you also know, I’ve been dropping or changing last names and slowly posting old journals from the 80s on up along with my current everyday stuff, and was going through the day Nancy ran me out of the cell and saw that I’d written that she told me she had 3 boys in Indiana. So I looked her up on Facebook and MySpace and found her in Indiana. I couldn’t resist contacting her and slipping her the link to the journals she has wanted so desperately to get a hold of for 12 years now, LMAO!!!

I know some would consider me vengeful and childish for dropping the links on her, but I just couldn’t resist, hahaha. Sometimes sweet old-fashioned revenge really is fun and good for the soul so long as no one’s being hurt and so long as no laws are being broken. Worst-case scenario Nancy’s just not too thrilled with reading what she reads if she really does read the journals. But hey, she should’ve thought of that beforehand, right? Then again, I knew her in 2001. Who could’ve known we could one day share our lives with the world at just the click of a mouse? LOL

Something up there must really want her to see these journals too, cuz I was able to “like” things on her page, share her profile, and even follow her. This way, if she doesn’t get my messages, I should still have her attention. Yeah, we may forget those we threaten, but they don’t forget us.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2013 As anyone knows, the more money you have, the more options you have, and not just with house hunting. Yet we can kiss that 1999 Skyline good-bye. Yeah, I’m kinda pissed. I emailed Walter and asked when we could expect the initial payment and he “thinks” it could be a month. I’m not pissed at him. Just at the whole damn thing taking so long when it shouldn’t.

Again I wonder if all the delays are good or bad. We wouldn’t want to stay here either way, but is God trying to keep us from a good thing, or is something else up there trying to keep us from something bad? Like I said before, I do worry about how I would sleep in these parks when on nights, and I do worry about us just “happening” to get those extremes for neighbors and other things out of the ordinary. I don’t think, I KNOW, there was a neighbor curse on us. A few bad apples mixed into the bunch is normal and to be expected, but one after another? It was just too extreme. Therefore, I do worry about these things – getting neighbors who just can’t stay indoors, who are always doing something to pretty up the outside of their homes, who are always renovating, who have a lot of company, who come and go a lot, and basically doing nothing that would be against the park rules, but still annoying as hell to anyone right next to them.

Tom just got up and I told him what Walter said and he said he’s kind of glad, and being the optimist that he is, he pointed out the good in the delay, even if the delay still kind of sucks.

First of all, he’s pretty sure the strip of grass between the places is either theirs or a commonplace, which is where the mutts would be brought out to piss and shit. That’s literally right under our windows. Not only do I doubt the sound machine could override its bark if it were loud enough or of a certain pitch, but it would also be annoying as hell when I was wide awake. Furthermore, they allow up to 20-pound dogs, which is kind of big. Most parks only allow up to 15 pounds. We won’t rule this house out entirely, though, as I said before, it goes against what the “dream people” said. They said blue or tan, parking on the right, square footage in the 1400s, and I thought the dream with all the citrus trees could mean the town of Citrus Heights, but IDK.

The only dreams I remember last night was meeting a Valleyhead staffer who was very rude to me while I was at VH, and told me I’d aged well.

Also, someone handed me something that was supposedly written in Italian and asked me to read it to them, but the words were all wrong and they were like 25 letters long.

Another good thing is that it gives us time to accumulate more money of our own and to up our credit score. We should be in the 600s in another month. The best park, regardless of homes, is still that park where all the homes are at ground level and it looks like you’re driving through a regular neighborhood.

Mary, who got a new job, says she’s gotta start driving to make things easier. Yeah, if I had to relive my life I’d probably push harder to conquer my driving phobia, though I honestly don’t know how I’d have afforded a car on disability. For most of my youth, I was very poor. Until I met Tom, though, relying on buses was a flat-out bitch.

What I don’t get - please don’t get mad or take this the wrong way, I told her as I NEVER thought she deserved to do time. She was the victim too, not the perp - how the hell she gets jobs so easily in a state that has so few jobs, as a white person (minorities get first dibs on everything), as a woman, (our world is sexist), with not much of a job history since she was so young when all the shit started with her, and with a 13-year stretch, while my record-free husband with an extensive and impressive work history had to sit on unemployment for 2 years. I guess youth really IS everything, LOL. I’m happy as hell for her, but I still don’t get it, especially the record. Is she in some kind of program that places people who have done time or something? Is her PO putting in a good word for her?

Later…

Got a little rain going now out there. I’m sure the pest up the hill will gun his loud truck, but at least I won’t have to hear all his other vehicles today. On Sunday he almost made me wish someone would tie one of his balls to his ATV and the other to his motorcycle, and well, I’m sure you can figure the rest.

When I went to forward Walter’s email about the estate to Tammy I was in for one serious WTF? moment when I saw that it wasn’t there. The email is there, but not the part detailing the estate info. WTF? How can part of an email disappear???

While the house itself would’ve been ideal, another negative we thought of later was the fact that there was no shed there. We’ll take ours if worse comes to worst, but it’d be nice to have one already there, even if it may not be quite as nice as this one. Also, Auburn is still 1000’ up, and although it hasn’t happened in two years, you can get a dusting of snow here. The other towns we’ve been looking in average about 5° warmer and don’t get any dustings. So while the house is great, the area has too many negatives for a 10K place that needs so much.

The rats are having fun running along the space between the slider and vertical blinds. Sugar is one seriously horny rat. Rats are notoriously horny anyway. So much so that if the opposite sex isn’t available to get it on with, they will get it on with the same sex. Well, if we have vertical blinds in the next place, I wonder what the neighbors will think if they look over and see a couple of rats in action, LOL.

This weekend we’re not only going to finally take Tammy’s GC to the IHOP, but we’re going to check out the park Tom saw that he thinks is the nicest. It’s in Citrus Heights. This is the one where the houses are at ground level. The park itself is really nice, Tom says, but the houses there can be kind of expensive. This is the one that wants a 720 credit score. Tom says they’re regular houses that look like they’re in a regular neighborhood that’s very nice. The park is huge, which is both good and bad. It’s bad in that it makes visiting kids more likely to be at the pool, but it’s good in that they probably won’t pester us as much. The smaller parks may consist of a closer-knit community where everyone wants to be buddies with everyone.

Again, that 1999 Skyline went against a lot of what the dreams have said. Andy was telling me that Christine McVie’s mother was said to be psychic and said she’d “find it” in Orange Grove. Years later Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham were asked to join Fleetwood Mac. At this time they were living in L.A. on the corner of Fairfax and Orange Grove.

I still expect my dreams to reveal more info the closer it gets. Right now we’re probably about 3-6 months from the actual move. If the Jes pest has dream premonitions, then anytime now he should be dreaming of moving a broken futon out of here, his sister scrubbing away in the kitchen and bathroom and fixing leaky faucets LOL.

I realize that a lot of folks may think I’m just as crazy for writing about all these dream premonitions same as when I say I can’t keep a fucking schedule, but that’s okay because I also realize that if someone wants to insist I’m crazy, lying or whatever, they’ll do it no matter what I write about.

Off to hug my rats now. I know, I know. Crazy. Just crazy. :)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2013 I was thinking of Nissan earlier – yes, that was her real name – and looked her up out of curiosity. It’s almost as if she never existed. Almost. All I found was that she’s now 58 years old. She’s that old? I didn’t realize she was that much older than me when I last saw her when I was 22 years old. Then again, I always did go for older women, and the bisexual local bus driver was one helluva hottie. Naturally, the feeling was anything but mutual, even if she hadn’t been with a woman named Julie like she was at the time, which she later split from before marrying some guy.

She and someone else I once knew indulged in some prank calls to me later on. They were actually quite interesting and I was actually disappointed when the calls stopped. But they stopped before I could fully learn who was behind them for sure and what their game was.

I almost feel kind of bad for myself when I think of all the women who so cruelly and needlessly led me on. These days I wouldn’t waste my time on people like this if I could help it, but I wonder… if I had chased men just as often, would they too, have led me on? Was I simply just a magnet for that before I met Tom, regardless of the gender involved? I wonder this at times, but I will never know for sure if they’d have done the same thing. I just know that meeting Tom makes me just as glad things didn’t work out as I was pissed and heartbroken over having my head played with. Fucking bitches. But if karma applies even to those who have wronged me, then they got their own asses dumped or at least led on at some point later on.

Nissan does seem to be single now. I’m not surprised. Gamers like that usually are. Wonder if they ever have any regrets, though. We can’t help who we’re not interested in any more than we can help who we are interested in, but I wonder if they ever said to themselves when the shit hit the fan with whoever they did end up with, “If only I’d see past her shortness. Maybe I should’ve given her a chance and looked beyond her femininity and the fact that she was poor, carless and on disability.”

But people tend to focus more on our negatives than our positives. Just one negative trait, no matter how trivial and harmless it may be, can override dozens of positive traits in the eyes of many.

I wonder how many people I’ve messaged on Facebook that never appeared to get my messages, but that really did and sent a reply I never got. That site really pisses the shit out of me. But with the types of connections I have now over there, it’s not that easy to just dump the damn thing or else I’d do so in a heartbeat like I did with Thoughts. I guess a sensible compromise would be to just not use it as much. I just wish, for once and for all, I could get people to stop “liking” public cover photos. Goes to show that not all my posts or journal entries get read, but oh well. There’s only so much looking out for others I can do anyway. I can’t be expected to protect everyone all the time. I can only warn them about what may happen.

Later…

So what racket will my landlord make for me today that I’ll have to listen to? I’m sure this ONE guy 200’ away will think of something. Should be out working on the land gunning, sawing, drilling, beating or riding around on something. Then again, it is Monday, and those are a little more peaceful.

And why the hell is Firefox crashing on me like crazy all of a sudden? It hasn’t crashed in ages, but today it’s crashed on me 3 times already.

Tom emailed the realtor about the house we’re interested in, and we learned more pros and cons about it. We don’t mind that it’s still not close to where he works, even though gas is sometimes outrageous. He makes a lot of money, the space rent on this place is low, and it’s not like he has to drive that far. In Maricopa, he had a 50-minute drive to work. That was long. It would’ve been close to that amount of time had things worked out with the land we bought in Oregon, too. Here it’s about 25-30 minutes depending on traffic. This may not be the prettiest town, but it’s still a nice little town with enough stores and mostly white people.

He makes something like $600 more than they require, and that’s without OT, and the realtor didn’t mention credit or anything like that. She did, however, say that all the place has is a dishwasher. There’s no range, refrigerator, washer or dryer, and although it looks like it’s got brand-new sculpted carpet, she said it needs new carpet and paint. That seems a bit much for a relatively small house priced at 10K. But then we would be able to pick out what we wanted. I don’t care about the fridge or even the washer and dryer. I was keen on the idea of a combo washer and dryer but we heard those take forever, so a basic washer and dryer is enough. Just to have a washer and dryer – ANY washer and dryer – would be heaven. For years we had to go to Laundromats, then for years, we’ve had to hang clothes. Well, I’m sick of hanging clothes! Our portable washer isn’t that small and actually does a surprising amount. But I can’t do comforters in them and I miss being able to do those at home without having to go to a Laundromat. So a basic washer and dryer are fine. Same with the fridge. We don’t need ice makers or anything like that. We never use ice anyway.

I would, however, love a flat stovetop. That would be so much easier to clean! I HATE cleaning regular stovetops. We might have to get new cookware, but I don’t care. Except for our skillet, our pots and pans are kinda old. We’re not big on cooking, but we do use the stove at times. Not as much as the oven, but we do use it.

As for the carpet, I’d love to get right what they fucked up in Maricopa. I wanted champagne pink carpet, but they didn’t have any pinks. Just neutral colors and blue. So our pink champagne carpet ended up being denim blue. I’d take blue over neutrals, but I’d still prefer pink, lavender or mauve. Even sky blue would be okay.

I don’t know how much of the place has to be painted, but we’d probably hire someone to do it for us if it was that much.

The only other negative I remember was that the ceiling had cracks in it. This means that it either wasn’t set up right or the ground may’ve settled beneath it. She didn’t say it needed to be re-leveled, though.

Outside negatives are, well, I’m not sure about the street. It’s on a corner. The street actually wraps around the place. This is good as it keeps other houses and cars from parking on the left side of it as well as in back, but it could also be bad depending on how often loud vehicles traveled through it and how many mutts were out and about. The pet restrictions there means you can only have one dog, 20 pounds max. I’d still prefer a corner. It’s not as ideal a location as that older house that Tom went to see, but it’s still pretty good.

Another outside negative is the grass (which Andy thought was a hedge) between the places. We’re hoping it’s ours, but if not, that it belongs to the park instead of the neighbors to our right. If it belongs to the park then I should have a better idea of when they’re going to mow it as opposed to if it’s the neighbor’s.

the neighbor’s shed is on the other side of their house, but their porch is next to the place. It’s enclosed, but tell me they won’t be in it with the windows open most of the year AND with their mutt barking at every single sound it hears, and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. Almost everyone has dogs that can have them, so I’d say that percentage-wise, chances are in the 90s that they’ll have a dog. They may not like having to have it as a pet as much as they’d like to turn it into a lawn ornament, but at least they’ll still have a dog. I’d prefer my rats to live in the living room. But if it was a case of no rats or rats living in the bedroom, I’d keep them in the bedroom if that was the only way I could have them. I LOVE my ratties.

Anyway, it could get a little noisy during the daytime when it wasn’t cold, raining or hot, but it shouldn’t be anything I couldn’t deal with. Even when a place isn’t “noisy” I do get distracted easily and I am a curious person. So if I hear something, I’ll lose my train of thought when writing and be like, what was that? Then I’ll want to go check it out. So I will probably have to run sound machines during the daytime depending on the weather. I still do worry about daytime sleeping and things like landscaping and delivery trucks that could override the sound machines.

There’s definitely no seclusion or privacy like there is here, but I’m not very outdoorsy anyway, and I don’t make a habit of parading around naked in front of open windows, not that I’d be much to look at.

Wax earplugs do block more sound than foam ones, but they don’t render you totally deaf, you can still feel vibrations, and I don’t exactly want to have to sleep with objects stuck in my ear. At least it would’ve been only one ear. My “fake” ear had been bothering me, and Tom could see lots of dead skin built up in it. We oiled it for several days and he was able to get some out. He’s always worried about hurting me, but most of it is scar tissue that has no feeling. I have some feeling toward the outer edge of the canal, but that’s about it.

So those are the negs of the house. The pros are that it’s built like a real house. A modern house. There would be outlets galore in the place, thicker, better-insulated windows, roofing and flooring. The place also has copper wiring, dual-paned windows and washerless faucets. What was a little weird was the shower curtain in the full bath. Starting in the 70s, sliding doors became the norm. Nothing we couldn’t install, though. I like the wood skirting instead of the flimsy aluminum skirting our other place had that sometimes blew away in the fierce winds. Love the solid, sturdy stairs leading to it instead of the cheap wooden stairs that broke at our other place. There are ceiling fans in the living room and I think one of the bedrooms has one, too. Here you can’t have ceiling fans cuz the ceiling is only 7’.

I still want to see the place even if it may not be perfect and even if it goes against my dreams. The few dreams I’ve had did suggest the color blue (this place is blue) or tan, but they also suggest a bigger place in Citrus Heights. The dreams also suggest he’d park on the right of it, not on the left. But not every single dream of mine means anything, so we’ll see. I’d really like to check it out. Yeah, it would cost us several grand to get the appliances, paint and carpet, but I think the low space rent and the house itself would make it worth it.

We agreed we want a “survivable” place should he ever be on unemployment again with absolutely zero savings. We’d probably get the same thing we got last time we were on unemployment - $1200 a month. We barely survived on that here with the rent being $825 and had to play pawn it and do all kinds of other things just to stay afloat. But there the space rent and utilities would equal less than just the rent here. If he kept making the kind of money he makes now, the monthly savings there would be like oh my freakin gawd. Close to 2K a month. OMG, just OMFG. That’d really help cuz when he retires we’re not going to make nearly as much. Probably only around 2K a month if even that, and by then things will be more expensive. But if we saved around 20K a year for 10 years we could be close to a quarter mil, OMG. OMFG.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2013 Although my hives have faded, they still itch at times. Hydrocortisone cream wasn’t helping much either. So Tom picked up some Campho Phenique and Calamine lotion on the way home and while I haven’t used the Calamine lotion yet, the Campho Phenique has helped so far.

Lost a pound without even trying. I had my usual 1500 calories yesterday, though I did work out. I would’ve been down two pounds if I’d slept at night. I don’t lose weight in my sleep when I sleep during the daytime, though, so that’s why it was only a pound.

Bodybuilding takes forever as opposed to toning. When you bodybuild you have to do several sets, resting 5 minutes or so between them. The muscle must be worked to its absolute hardest till it breaks down and gives out from fatigue and strain. You know the term “getting ripped?” We really do tear the muscle fibers, which then build new layers of muscle, thus giving one that bulky, muscular look. With toning, you’re simply stretching the same layer of muscle taut instead of building layer upon layer of muscle, so you just quickly do one set of about 30 reps.

Aly agrees that someone else was acting along with Kim, and who knows how many other trolls there were? A part of me still misses Ask, though, despite the tons of immature assholes that live there. We’re both not surprised Carol was nice, but not much help. What did I expect her to say, after all? Something like: You’re right, my sister does have MPD and is totally fucked in the head. Here are the magic words to extinguish her from your life forever.

I think the “others” consisted of Molly, someone connected to Kim, and probably someone else altogether. While we agree that despite Kim’s knack for role-playing, it’s usually the same old shit from her. Quick sentences with lots of repetition and misspellings. Yet someone went out of their way to sound like Aly on Molly’s blog, and Kim just isn’t smart enough to write that well. As Aly said, she wouldn’t not say who she was if she had anything to say but has chosen not to so as not to give Molly false hope. Even Kathy thought the person might be Aly, though I suspected all along that it was someone pretending to seem like it was even though they never gave a name. She ought to install a tracker even if some folks may dodge it.

What I don’t get is why some people are so stupid and so blind. It was obvious as hell that it was Kim, along with some fellow group home members, who were picking on Molly. So why suspect me and others? Just to pick a fight? To get attention? Well, other than expressing my thoughts, feelings, theories and suspicions in this blog, they’re not going to get that attention. At least not from me or my friends. We wish them luck, hope they can move on, and that’s that. Period.

The one thing I’m going to miss about this trailer is being able to vent the warm air through the roof. Our swamp cooler doesn’t run through vents that go to each room but is a downdraft unit that blasts throughout the place. On warm days that aren’t warm enough for the cooler we just open the vents and let the heat rise up and out the cooler. Since we’ll be in a mobile home instead of a trailer, though, there’s no reason it would have a ceiling vent like this since it will probably have an AC. Plus, while it will have a tiled roof instead of a tin roof, there won’t be any attic. Attics, brick walls and slab foundations are some things I will always miss.

In last night’s dream, we were looking at parks and found that Jesse owned one of them. In other words, we just can’t escape that pest!

The night before last I dreamed of being in some weird jail. It had pools and the guards were lying on chaise lounges, but it was still disturbing. Being held someplace against my will, no matter what it may look like or be like, is never fun. I thought to myself in the dream how it sucks that I had several more months to go there and that if I couldn’t get unsupervised probation when I got out, I would skip that part altogether.

I haven’t broken any laws, so what is it with all these jail dreams? First it was hotels, then poverty, then jails. Well, to say I feel like I’m in jail here is certainly an exaggeration, but maybe they’re a reflection of my feeling like we’re going to be stuck here a lot longer than we’d like since he has so little free time. Again he had to work Saturday, and it’s so stupid too, cuz there’s so little work then that all he basically does is sit around and listen to music all day. But that’s another $160 or so in our pocket as long as they want to be dumb enough to pay someone $21 an hour to sit and listen to music.

Later…

I’m so pissed off for Mary right now whose only real crime in life is being too nice. So much so that some of the assholes of this world take advantage of it to harass her on and offline. Just wish she’d get a little angry for once. No, I wish she’d get furious. That way it may be easier for her to start fighting back. I know she would prefer to settle things peacefully, but sometimes that’s just not possible. Sometimes ignoring haters and trolls only makes them more determined to get at us, and sometimes you really do need to literally kick people off your ass. The person who she used to work with that got her fired when she complained on him for hitting on her lives in her area. Then they took the harassment onto the Internet, begging her to be her Valentine, and I don’t understand why she doesn’t do something about it, and well, here’s my reply to her message about the situation:

I totally hear you on ignoring the haters, but sometimes people won’t let us ignore them and that only makes them more persistent. I tried to ignore the sickos in AZ that had a hand in getting me jailed and look where that got me. What I don’t get is why you don’t beat the shit out of this guy that got you fired AND stalks you online. OMG, I’d be so pissed! C’mon, girl, he’s right under your nose! In your state. Maybe in your town. I’m only giving you this pep talk cuz I care about you and am sick of seeing men shit on you left and right, sis, so please don’t take it the wrong way. When are you going to stop being so damn nice and start fighting back??? I hate to say it, but sometimes we literally have to beat people off our asses. Sometimes words aren’t enough and neither is trying to turn the other cheek. Sometimes you just gotta fight to get what you deserve and what’s rightfully yours even if you don’t want to.

I could never kick someone’s ass for the fun of it, and there was nothing I could do about the AZ sickos cuz there were lots of them and just two of us. Plus they had serious law enforcement connections AND we’re living in a time when blacks and other “minorities” are automatically favored. So my little white, Jewish hands were kinda tied in that case (unless they ever hunted me down and tried to victimize me again). But I would be so fucking pissed if someone got me fired, then had the nerve to stalk me online. If it was just one person you BET I’d be beating them right out of my life. If the trolls (Kim and Molly) were within physical reach of me I’d fix it so they never harassed me again because they’d be too scared to even THINK of me let alone reach out to me or my friends. Well, most men aren’t going to report an attack from a woman because they’re going to be too embarrassed to, and if they do, well, you know how backward our laws are here. It’s the violent crimes that no one cares much about as opposed to what we say, think or write. You’d probably get little more than a slap on the wrist if even that, but if you had to do a few days (a few weeks at the utmost worst-case scenario), you get out of jail with this person in too much pain/fear to bother you.

This kid used to tease me about whatever in grammar school. I took it and took it till I one day got fed up and slugged the shit out of her. She never bothered me again. When I was being dragged through the legal mud by the freeloaders and their pig pal, I was interviewed. In the interview, I was asked, “Are you going to fight your case?” I thought it a bit of an odd question at the time and I so stupidly said “no,” thus sending the wrong message. In other words, I was really saying, “No, I’m not going to fight back. I’m going to just sit back and take whatever you dish at me, so go ahead and bully me away and take advantage of my being naïve to the law and take me for whatever you can.”

It’s not just about power and control where the law’s concerned, but about money as well. It’s a business, like it or not, and the way they make more money is to keep as many people in jail or on probation as they can.

You might be asking yourself what grammar school and court have to do with your case. Well, it does. It’s the same concept. You’re being bullied and you’re not doing anything about it. Okay, so ignoring the cock is doing something and that something is better than acknowledging his messages, but it may just not be enough, sis. I know you don’t have half the temper I do and that you are a sweet, calm, cool, mellow person but that’s what they’re preying on! It’s not your fault and you’re not responsible for their actions, but sometimes I think you’re just too damn nice and just like a vicious dog that preys on fear, these cocks are preying on your niceness. Well, nice doesn’t deserve to be shit on! Get out there and take care of this cock right, Mary, cuz chances are it’s not going away. Sometimes a polite smile and a “No thank you,” isn’t enough to ward off the advances of these sickos which then turns into harassment cuz these emotionally weak babies can’t handle rejection, move on, and realize there are other fish in the sea. Yeah, it sucks to not get who you want. I went through that before I met Tom, but I was smart enough to know you can’t make someone want you.

Anger and attitude are everything when it comes to these cocks, and yes, with the exception of Tom (he’s such a rare breed and I still don’t know how I got so lucky to nab him) and very few others, I am proudly sexist. Sometimes we really do make our own haters just by our behavior. No one told me to hate guys in general. Their own behavior is what got me to hate them. I know who we’re attracted to has nothing to do with what we think of them, but I sometimes find it hard to believe most guys are in fact straight with the way so many of them shit on women.

Like I said, sometimes being polite, kind and softspoken won’t work and you’ve got to literally stare these cocks in the eye and scream, “Enough is enough! Back the fuck off!” If that doesn’t work, you need to take it to the next step. Just stop being so nice, kind and only getting annoyed or irritated. It’s time to get pissed! Anger can be just as productive as it can be destructive. I forget what country it was in, but in one of the twisted middle eastern countries that treat women and kids like shit, the women got so damn fed up with the abuse that they got tired of running scared and inviting more shit they didn’t deserve or ask for. So they all banned together and grabbed everything they could possibly use as a weapon against them and they took care of them.

You’re not just sparing yourself more headaches if you take care of this cock but other potential victims as well. You once said that if you could help just one person you’d be thrilled. Avoiding these types of cocks in the first place might’ve been more what you had in mind, but I think that if more women started taking a stand for themselves and started fighting back and defending themselves, the more these cocks might think twice before they pick on women as they are taught that sometimes they really can pick on the wrong women. Violence against men is said to be up and things are slowly evening out, but very slowly. Sometimes there’s just no reasoning with or ignoring these sick fucks and you gotta get a little physical. If you take care of him, he’s not going to want you to be his Valentine anymore, that’s for sure. I really hope to hell he does back off and doesn’t know where you live, but I have a feeling it’s not going to stop, even if you ignore him. Go to his house, meet him outside of work, or arrange to meet him somewhere and get him out of your life for good! If you don’t feel you’re fit enough or angry enough to do it with your hands, there are things like stun guns and mace that can temporarily disable the cock long enough to do enough damage to drill the message into its skull. Try to punch the throat. The cock will choke and it doesn’t take a hard punch at all. Throats crush like cardboard boxes. I’d be tempted to take care of him for you myself that’s how much these cocks piss me off, but the sooner you learn to do so yourself, the better. Independence is important.

The time to deal with these types of cocks is while you are still young, thin and pretty because that’s when they’re going to be coming at you. Me, I’m too old for anyone to be crushing on me enough to pester me in that way and I can’t say I’m not glad. While I wasn’t in the habit of paying much attention to men in the first place before I met Tom I never got the types of shitheads you’ve been unfortunate enough to get. You know why? Cuz I’m the bitch they know won’t take their shit, sis. You don’t have to go around being rude or defensive and all that, but I think it’s time to toughen up and lose some of that niceness, particularly when things start getting out of hand. It’s your life and no one can tell you how to live it and what to do. I just hate to see such a sweetheart like yourself get shit on so damn much. You’ve had enough! Just like I’ve had enough and fully plan to fight back if I am ever again victimized, though I sure as hell hope I never am to the vicious, life-altering extremes that I was in Arizona. I TOTALLY TOTALLY understand what you went through being legally screwed like you were and my heart broke for you. I cried the day the judge reneged on the immunity deal and I KNEW years in advance that that would happen to you. No matter what any law, lawyer, judge or pig promised me – even if it was in writing – I would never buy it.

Many people told me that while I had every right to be angry, I should just move on and not take it personally cuz a lot of people get screwed over and I wasn’t alone. Well, move on was all I could do since nothing could change, undo or compensate for what I went through, but how do you not “take that personally?” And a victim is a victim no matter how many others there may be, so it doesn’t matter if I was alone or not. Lie detectors are said to be pretty damn foolproof, but there’s no way, then or now, that I could get those involved in screwing me to undergo a little date and interview with one of these things, which is too bad. That’d tell the truth right there if what I heard about these tests is true. They’re supposed to be damn near impossible to beat. So if that’s true – voila! There are your answers as to who victimized who and who the real perps were.

Back in Estrella, you and I were just two victims of the same legal abuse as we sat on our bunks munching on our commissary, listening to the radio, writing in our journals, and having a crush on Palma, hahaha. Wonder if fucking “Teddy Bear” has been fired by now.

But yes, I know what you’re going through. The courts and media bought everything those assholes said, lie after lie, and no one ever questioned their integrity. Had they been white it never would’ve happened, though I probably would have still gotten shafted somewhat cuz they had kids and I didn’t. But instead of verifying the stories they told the media, they just printed whatever they said. Anything they told them was automatically believed because I was white, Jewish and childless, but mostly cuz I was white/Jewish. The reverse discrimination has been an issue since the late 80s, early 90s and I wonder when it will ever be dealt with accordingly or if it ever will. They took their word for it no matter what lies they told, and no one ever said to them, “Well, Ms. S may not be perfect, but don’t you think that maybe you provoke people a bit? If it’s true you lost your housing due to complaints, isn’t that YOUR problem? Shouldn’t you have thought about this before you went into that neighborhood and drove people who were there first batshit crazy by not even allowing them to hear themselves think half the time?” Had they said I tried to ax them into little bitty pieces that too, would’ve been believed and printed. I’m not going to get into it, but they broke the law against us too, by prank-calling us and slipping sexual notes in our mailbox slot. You know God always protects my perps and this is part of why I Hate him so much.

Sorry to make this rant so damn long, but I felt I had to get this out and stress to you that I not only know what it’s like to be victimized, even if it’s sometimes in similar yet different ways, and encourage you to fight back. You DON’T have to take this shit, sis. Especially since he’s not in Texas and Connecticut where my trolls are. If a fly annoys us, we swat it. Time to see people in a similar light, girl, and swat the human fly that just keeps buzzing around your head!

Women can’t beat every man just like every man can’t beat every woman, but usually, it’s only the women who are smart enough to know and acknowledge this fact. Yeah, fighting is more about anger and determination, than size and gender, but you do have the element of surprise in your favor, thanks to their arrogance. Most men don’t think a woman can or would even think of taking them. So if a petite woman goes up against a 6-foot guy who’s 200 pounds or more, he’s lax, confident, unworried and unprepared. This gives her the advantage as opposed to if he was expecting it, tense and ready for action.

I’ve never taken classes in self-defense or karate, though I’d love to. I think it would be fun, especially karate. Anyway, as much as I just love to come across as a crazy, mean, scary tough bitch, I would never harm anyone that wasn’t trying to harm me, my husband or our stuff. If I went after them for any other reason, I would have to be so utterly furious and have damn good reason to do so. If someone got Tom fired and then ran home to pick on him in cyberspace, I would definitely want to meet with this person. Just not at our place so our stuff didn’t get broken in the squabble. Might be easier to cry self-defense that way, though, if it ever went to court, unless they weren’t white.

Later…

Mary said her PO is on top of the situation with the cock that’s been harassing her, and she tells people these days when things aren’t right. This is good to know. I didn’t know the PO knew about it, but I guess he would. After all, the cock did get her fired. She said she took screenshots of the messages and that the police would be notified if need be. Good, let’s see if they can actually do her some good for once. But she says she highly doubts things will escalate and that he’s probably just a guy with a big ego that’s never been rejected before.

Maliheh’s current profile pic shows her playing the guitar as a kid. She was around 10-12, I’d say. I would never guess in a million years that it was her. I know she’s gotten at least most of my messages and she is online regularly enough, and well, I’m getting a little fed up and more convinced she only befriended me and is “keeping the peace,” so to speak, to get and keep her name out of my books and blog. So next time I message her which will be to send her journal entries (except this paragraph) from the last half of February, I’m going to tell her that if her heart isn’t in us continuing our friendship - fine, just please tell me. I will respect her wishes and let her go. I don’t want to bother with someone who doesn’t care or want to bother with me. One-sided relationships of any kind aren’t my thing.

I read that we never dream of strangers because the human brain can’t invent images of new people, so it draws them from memory. Even if they’re people we only met once or twice, they are hidden away in our minds. So the “dream people” are real? LOL

A promising listing came out yesterday. A modern single-wide (though it looks like a double-wide) for 10K. It’s a 2-bed/2bath. This place here is 10’ wide/50’ long. This 1999 Skyline (same age as the 21-square-foot monster doublewide Palm Harbor we had in Arizona) is 20’ wide and 52’ long. Just over 1000 square feet and totally ideal for us. Not too much extra space to have to clean, heat and cool. Also, the space rent is just $535.

The negatives are that it’s here in Auburn, which would mean Tom would still have kind of a long drive to work, and there’s no pool in the park it’s in. I like how it’s on a corner, though, with a street running in back of it, and a spot for parking RVs in front of it. At first that turned me off, as I didn’t want so many large and loud vehicles driving by, but Tom said they don’t live in the things and drive them in and out much. They just park them there till they want to go on vacation somewhere. I also like that the streets are a bit wider in this place and the homes aren’t right on the street. The only other negative is the strip of grass between us and the neighbors, who wouldn’t park alongside us, which I’d prefer very much. If it’s our grass, fine. If it’s theirs I’d have to sleep in the bedroom that wasn’t on that side of the house.

Got a couple of rainy days this week. Good. Maybe they’ll shut the Jes pest up, who just had to go engine gunning yesterday on and off for a half-hour. A half-hour may not seem like much, but it’s a long half-hour when it’s that annoying. Wonder what shit I’ll have to listen to today? I’ll turn the sound machine on once its prime time rolls around.

I forgot to add yesterday that I don’t buy Kim’s sister saying she didn’t have online access for a while. Oh, she might not have been able to get to a desktop or a laptop, but she still has a cell phone.

Gotta work out even though I’m not in the mood. Thought today I’d run at 4MPH for 5 minutes, jump off the treadmill and work my abs for 5 minutes, run another 5 minutes, work my arms for 5 minutes, then run another 5 minutes. So I get a good variety of cardio and strength training in 25 minutes.

Back an hour later. Had a great workout, and it was nice to be able to shower afterward and not stink of bleach. I still prefer to shower every day like most people, so until the Jes pest goes and fucks up the tanks again, I’ll enjoy my daily showers.

Yay, Pandora Radio now has unlimited song skipping. Maybe once we move I’ll go for a year’s subscription, which would up the audio quality and ban the ads.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2013 I wasn’t going to write about my chat with Carol about her sister Kim in public, but I have nothing bad to say about Carol, after all, and nothing I can say about Kim hasn’t already been said before. So since I’m not posting any sensitive info or anything like that, I’m not doing anything wrong.

I agree with half of what Carol told me. She doesn’t think Kim has harassed me. She says Kim went crying to her about someone pretending to be her, and Carol believes it was someone else who harassed me and was impersonating Kim. She says she didn’t even have online access for a few weeks. She wished me luck with the situation and pointed out that it’s easy to pretend to be others online.

Yeah, I know it is. But I don’t doubt for an instant that Kim did indeed truly harass me at times. And others. It was too obvious. I will, however, admit that I have oftentimes wondered and even suspected that someone else could’ve been playing around along with her, though I don’t know who. Maybe it was more than one person, too. Almost anyone could’ve gotten a hold of my ask.fm link and so the possibilities are endless. They range from total strangers to old acquaintances to close friends that I’d least suspect.

As I told Carol, though, whose input I really did appreciate even if she doesn’t realize that her sister isn’t 100% innocent, that I have since made it harder for Kim to contact me. I have left Ask and have tweaked my friend-add settings so that only friends of friends can add me.

I told her that while I’d never be Kim’s friend again, I did want to understand what made her tick. Well, she didn’t answer my questions about whether or not she has MPD as I’ve often wondered, or if something traumatic happened to her to set her off balance, but Kim IS heavily obsessed with role-playing. She’s not only admitted this herself, but I’m not the only one who has actually witnessed her obsession with this sort of thing. Others have seen her in action, too.

I also told her that I could forgive what her sister has done to me in the past so long as she leaves me alone. I just worry that she’s too crazy – or at least too obsessed with me – to ever let go. Meanwhile, for the sake of looking out for my friends so as to keep them from getting involved and caught up in her shit or whoever else’s shit that may’ve been involved, I’ve got to keep my Formspring account secret and limit contact and access to my friends and I.

If she’s truly innocent of some of the things I’ve accused her of or suspected her of, I’m sorry. I truly am. But why does she continue to read my blogs every single day?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2013 Haven’t heard much from Andy and hopefully that’s because he’s been busy being showered with all kinds of fun and presents for his birthday.

I still have lots to write about but was just too beat yesterday, even though I was up forever and thought I would never get to sleep. I was up for something like 18 hours. I crashed at 7am and woke up at noon. I didn’t think I’d be able to fall back asleep for a while there, but then I ended up sleeping on and off till 5:30 that’s how exhausted I was between the slight – and yes it’s still slight – stress of seeing the eye doctor and having to short my sleep for two weeks straight.

I was mistaken in saying one of my glasses cases had a fuzzy tiger print. It’s actually a leopard print. They had zebra and leopard prints and so I chose the leopard.

I was also mistaken in the times of the serial tonometry on the 27th. I gotta go in at 8:30, 11:45 and 5:15.

Tom said that if I wanted to get designer frames that cost hundreds of dollars, go right ahead, but I never saw the point in that when the cheaper frames are just as nice and just as effective. It’s like buying a newer car and having to make monthly payments on it. Why do that when you can buy a used car outright that’s got everything you need, plus what you want, and is just as comfortable but without the monthly payments?

From what I read I can’t possibly have glaucoma. Glaucoma doesn’t cause ocular hypertension, but OH can cause glaucoma. That’s why they want to monitor me. Rapid fluctuations in pressure throughout the day is a potential indicator of trouble on the horizon, but I’m not worried. Just annoyed. It’s just one more hassle to have to deal with when I still have other doctors to see and dental work to finish up with. I don’t want doctors’ offices to be my “second home.” Yet it has been a fear of mine for many years that once we were one day insured again – if we ever were – God would sic all kinds of problems on me once we had the insurance to help deal with them. Just showing His hate, I guess. But yeah, I feared He would want to give me problems that wouldn’t kill me, but that would be a bitch to deal with. That’s okay, though, cuz I don’t have to deal with anything I don’t want to deal with unless it’s life-threatening.

I asked Becky how things got so bad for her so fast. Since she’s always had eye problems and has been monitored regularly, I just wonder why they weren’t able to prevent her vision loss. My doctor said that as soon as he suspects something’s up and that glaucoma could be setting in, he’ll give me eye drops. This will drop the pressure.

When he was showing me pics of my eyes, he showed me pics of someone diagnosed with macular degeneration and someone with glaucoma. The shapes and colors of certain things within their eyes showed no comparison to mine, so that was good to see.

Nane’s soon to be off for a week in TR which feels like a month to me. LOL, yeah, I’ll miss her but I’ll survive. I’ll decorate her wall and inbox for her so she’ll have plenty of goodies to come home to.

Later…

I’m still struggling with deciding whether or not to deactivate my Facebook account. Messages are still not always being sent or received and FB refuses to do anything about it. All my complaints to them have gone unanswered. I guess they figure that since its members don’t pay a fee and FB has millions of dollars, why bother fixing bugs? Well, FB definitely doesn’t give a damn about its members, that’s for sure, and it’s not just the messages that are fucked up. The privacy breaches are so constant that I wonder if they do it deliberately as some sort of twisted joke. My pics that I have set to friends only are anything but friends only. It’s the same stuff the public can view on Photobucket, but I’d like to be the one to decide what’s public and what’s not, thank you, not others. But anyone who sues them doesn’t get shit. It’s the lawyers that make all the money. Those that got screwed only get a few bucks.

No site has had more bugs and other shit on it than FB, though I have yet to find a site that hasn’t had at least some problems. I never understood this either. There’s nothing complex about running software and shit like that and there’s no reason it shouldn’t just work and simply function as it was meant to function. Yet the bigger FB gets, the more fucked up they get, too. You would think by now that people would learn to stop with the constant changes. That’s part of what fucks things up. Why can’t people just leave things alone? That’s why I love sites like MO and MD. There is so little change there. They’ve had their problems, but they get fixed, unlike FB which just lets things stay broken.

While it’s frustrating as hell to not be able to use half of FB’s features and to see my message to someone appear and not read, just to learn they did read it and they also replied, really pisses the shit out of me. And while I’d normally dump the site in a heartbeat like I did with thoughts.com, it’s a little easier said than done thanks to Nane and becoming closer with some of my family.

Speaking of family, friends and Facebook, I’ve been thinking – and wondering – about those I’m hearing less and less from and who haven’t added me on FB despite seeming to be pretty regular enough there. Yes, I’m talking about Maliheh. She has claimed to care about me and says she considers me a friend and her a friend to me. I know I should tell myself that she’d tell me if she had issues with me, but it’s hard to feel all that close to her at this point. If one’s heart simply isn’t in our friendship, I hope they know they can just say the word and I will let them go. If anyone knows what it’s like to be tailed by those I’d rather not associate with, it’s me. So as soon as she gets brave enough to admit how she truly feels – if that is in fact how she feels – and lets me know why it is she’s come to feel the way she does, we can move on if that’s what she prefers. No one is obligated to remain in my life. Well, except for Tom, of course. Seriously, though, when I hardly hear from people and they only let me into part of their world I get a little suspicious at times and wonder – is something wrong with them? Or is it me that’s the problem? Well, I think I’ve been a good friend, so if anything’s wrong, even if I can’t help, I can at least listen and be a sounding board, can’t I?

I definitely find that I’m less hungry if I eat smaller amounts more often instead of larger amounts less often. I don’t know if I’ll lose weight, but I shouldn’t gain as easily this way.

Later…

Still weighing the pros and cons of various things I could do about Facebook. I could dump my account entirely. I could dump what’s not private that’s supposed to be and hope nothing else gets exposed that shouldn’t be exposed. I could have the public account I’d prefer to have, figuring things would just get exposed anyway. I could dump this account and create another account that’s not searchable, though that account would be just as buggy. I know I could keep in touch with people via email, but email simply isn’t the same. It’s so much easier to post pics and links to groups of people than to send them to them individually. I guess for now I’ll continue to just use whatever part of FB that FB will let me use.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2013 Today’s eye appointment didn’t go well, but I’m still more annoyed than I am worried at this point till we know for sure what’s causing the ocular hypertension, which has worsened a bit. He isn’t ready to say it’s glaucoma, which can take years to diagnose, but he can say I’m definitely at risk if we don’t keep an eye on the situation (pardon the pun). Things like stress and weight aren’t a factor, though as my husband swears, I’m not fat, LOL. Yeah, we fitness freaks are certainly a lot heavier than we look. Everyone thinks I’m 115-120, so they are surprised to learn I’m 143… until they see my shoulder/arm muscles, calves and ab knots. Both times I’ve been to this eye place I’ve worn long sleeves and pants, though.

When they measure one’s eye pressure with the puff of air they blow into each eye, anything under 20 is considered normal eye pressure. I was in the upper 20s a couple of weeks ago and now I’m in the low 30s. My niece was at 58, which is way high and damaged her optic nerve. But he assured me that my optic nerve looked fine and didn’t even start me on eye drops just yet. I have a “freckle” in one eye, but my macular spot looks okay, along with the veins and arteries. The tissue around the center of the optic nerve is good, but my corneas are a bit on the thick side. This might have a role in the upped pressure, but we don’t know yet what the story is. He feels confident he can prevent me from losing any vision, peripheral or center, but if it ever did start to become serious it may be 5 or so years before it did.

On the 27th, I have to return for a serial tonometry. This means that at 8am, 11am, and 3pm I have to stop in for pressure testing where they blow a puff of air in my eyes. He may also want to do the other tests he does where he puts numbing drops in my eyes, then something on the lids that looked almost like a bottle of nail polish with a brush that made these beeping sounds when he held this strange device up to them. The blast of air causes me to jump. It’s just a natural reflex action. But he says that’s okay cuz by the time I jump or blink they’ve got the reading.

The reason I’ll have to have the serial tonometry is that our eye pressure fluctuates during the day, from high to low. I casually mentioned not getting up till 1:30, just a couple of hours before he tested me. He said he was glad I pointed that out and made a notation in my folder. That’s when I hesitantly told him I have a rare sleep disorder known as non-24-hour sleep/wake cycle and he was actually glad I mentioned it. I thought to myself, Glad? That’s a refreshing breath of fresh air after dealing with those who don’t want to hear it or don’t buy it, LOL. There will always be people out there who haven’t heard of it or don’t get it and will insist I’m “lazy” or fallen into a “bad habit,” or am making this up cuz I don’t have the balls to say I don’t want to work outside of the house.

He asked me if I had sleep apnea. Fortunately not and I hope to hell I never do, cuz a friend has it and it’s a pretty damn terrifying thing to have! My case is frustrating as hell and makes life hard, but it’s not scary in any way. It was hard as hell keeping the same schedule going for so long so it will be nice to fall asleep when I’m ready to, instead of having to take melatonin supplements or Benadryl or drink a couple of wine coolers like I did the last 4 nights. I’m just not into drinking. But it did help relax me a bit. It will also be nice not to have to wake up to a damn alarm. For some reason, I can keep this schedule going longer than I can the ideal one, the one I wish I could keep going. If I could I’d sleep from 11pm - 7am.

Back on topic – the assistant took pics of the eyes. The flash was very bright but didn’t hurt. Then the doc showed them to me on his computer monitor and explained what was what. He was nice enough to let Tom in the room so I didn’t have to try to remember everything to repeat to him later, and I was a touch nervous. To me dealing with eyes is like Tom dealing with teeth. In other words, we don’t unless we have no choice. If I didn’t need glasses in the first place, I’d never know I had elevated pressure unless I did go blind.

I didn’t realize you could lose peripheral vision but that explains why they do that test where you stare at crossbars in the center of a screen and click every time you see a white dot at various places around the sides. There are also different kinds of glaucoma, but again, he isn’t ready to say that’s what it is cuz he’s not sure yet. They don’t really know everything that can cause it, but they do know that heart problems and diabetes can cause it. These things run in my family, but I’m healthy as far as I know, so we’ll just have to wait and see. As I also said, I’m more annoyed than worried, but when you’ve had plenty of dream premonitions and you recently had one about going blind, it gets a little creepy. Can’t deny that much. In reading back through my journals to publish old stuff I’m amazed at just how many dream premonitions I’ve had that I totally forgot about like the “white-out” dream. Most dreams that end up coming true come true within just days of the dream, but some do occur months, even years before they come true. I had bad dreams right before our lovely government stopped his unemployment, but a whole year and a half before that, I dreamt he got a letter in the mail saying the government was going to “white us out.”

We both picked up our new glasses while we were there. Tom started off nearsighted, then his eyes improved as they changed shape as they do with age, but will eventually be farsighted like me. When you’re farsighted, first you can’t see close up, then you can’t see shit. It was so frustrating having to keep switching glasses in the store – my “faraways” so I could see where the hell I was going, and then my reading glasses so I could read labels and stuff like that. So having my new bifocals is wonderful! I still hate to wear glasses of any kind, but I think contacts would be an even bigger hassle for me, not that I have the guts to stick objects in my eyes.

He just got one pair for driving with a dull gray colored case, and I got a pink case for my bifocals and a fuzzy tiger print case for my reading glasses. Both have no nose pads. Definitely can’t use the bifocals for the computer. With a 21” monitor I’d have to keep tilting my head back which is a pain, so single visions are definitely best for that while bifocals are best for going out.

Despite the circumstances, it was nice to get out. I may be a homebody, but after a week the fresh air and change of pace were nice. We grabbed some KFC on the way home and the rats got a sample of everything. Not much chicken, though, cuz protein isn’t good for rodents. They’d still eat a greasy steak, have chocolate for dessert, and chase it all down with a beer if they could, without a care in the world as to how bad it may be for them, LOL. But they’re one of the toughest animals around when you consider that it takes 3 more times the amount of poison to kill them than humans, can live in radiated areas, and can fall dozens of feet with no problem. The 15’ fall that broke my upper arm would be nothing to them.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2013 Kathy got a Dot Jones friend request too, yesterday (what a surprise!) though she never denied or accepted it. She too, noticed it soon disappeared. I’ll be sure to mention in my blog which I’m also sure Kim’s reading every single day, that I’m sick of “invisible” friend requests and will disallow them if need be. Maybe that’ll get her to knock it off.

Working at a place that makes and sells cotton candy is nothing a prankster like myself could ever do without giving in to the temptation of replacing the candy with just cotton and having fun watching the suckers try to spit the shit out, hahaha.

Counting our checking, savings, 401K, credit card and whatever else we’ve got money in, our savings isn’t far at all from 5 figures. Damn! Just damn.

I slept surprisingly well last night, from around 4am or 5am to 1:30. Starting at 8am, though, I woke up every single hour until I got up. It was just because, though, and only for a few minutes.

Instead of dreaming of Nane like crazy last night, it was Andy. First I was visiting him and he was showing me a cluster of 5 or 6 houses that he and various family members owned. Then he was visiting us (our place was big enough to have a spare bedroom), and I crept into his room to hang something in the closet, figuring he hadn’t had time to fall asleep yet. But instead, I woke him up and he was pissed.

I forgot the last dream, but I know there was one more dream he was in.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2013 I came in my sleep, though I don’t remember having any wet dreams. I’ve had dreams about cumming, but I think this is the first time I actually did cum in my sleep, or maybe it’s just the first time I remembered it. At first, I wasn’t sure if that throbbing down there, which often occurs when I cum, was real or not, but the slickness down there when I went to wipe after I got up and peed, confirmed that no, it wasn’t just a dream. Tom said this happens to him every now and then too, so it’s not like it’s abnormal or anything. Glad I’m not a guy or else then I may’ve woken up to wonder if something was wrong with my bladder if I discovered a wet bed but didn’t remember getting off at all.

Kim is still proving that she just can’t let go and is making me wonder if she’ll ever accept that our friendship ended forever last June and will move on. Apparently, she’s taking notice of Aly’s celebrity “likes” on Facebook (which is glitchier than hell) and creating fan pages for these people to then friend both her and I with.

I got a friend request from “Dot Marie J” and right away I knew Kim was behind it even though I didn’t know who that was. I don’t watch TV. Aly confirmed Kim was/is a fan of Glee which is the show this woman’s on. The Dot that Aly “liked” was actually created by another friend of hers.

As soon as I went to reject and then block the account, it disappeared. Not before I could see that “Dot” was following both Aly and I, though. I figured that like Aly and Kathy have, I would eventually get add requests in celebrity or bogus names. If it becomes a regular thing I’ll disallow friend requests. I’m sure she’s reading every single journal post I make public and watching for me on Ask, too. Probably even drives herself crazy trying to find me on Formspring.

The fact that she harasses someone working with the FBI tells me how little she cares about herself. Either that or she realizes that while what she’s doing is wrong, she knows she hasn’t quite crossed the line into anything illegal. It’s one of those things where technically it is illegal to stalk someone even online, but at the same time, she’s not doing anything illegal by making unwanted contact, since the contact hasn’t contained any threats or anything like that. Still, I wonder if she’d actually get off on being arrested and dragged into court for harassing us, knowing that she was getting the negative attention she craves. Some people are just sick like that.

It’s just frustrating trying to get people to stop “liking” my cover photos so they don’t fall prey to this sicko, only to see them continue to comment and like them. I guess they either don’t read all my posts, or they don’t mind or think they’ll get cyberstalked. Oh well. Can’t say I didn’t try to warn people.

My mail.com addy stopped bouncing, so I guess it really did have to do with a problem on their end and not mine, after all. First I thought other email providers blocked mail.com, then I thought I was the one who was blocked, but now I see it was mail.com, my least favorite, provider along with Gmail, that was the problem.

I wasn’t thrilled to experience a power outage 4 hours into my sleep. Why is it always 4 hours that bad things tend to happen? Why not 3 or 6? I actually woke up just because at around 9:30 and thought how wonderful it’d be if I could get up then. But before I knew it I was drifting back off to sleep until the sudden silence woke me up when the power failure stopped the sound machine and fan a half-hour later.

I then called up to Jesse who said he didn’t have any power either and while I had him on the phone I asked if I could get him to back off on the bleach. He admitted he put too much in and said that it should be fine in a day or two. It was already much better when I took my shower a few hours ago.

So I stuck a foam earplug in my good ear and got back into bed. An hour later the power came back on. I didn’t want to fall back asleep, but did anyway. I dreamt of Nane like crazy, though nothing too wet. It was so nice, though, cuz it was so real. Seemed that way anyway. I visited her and we spent a lot of time chatting and cuddling. She didn’t live in a fourth-floor apartment like she does in real life in all the dreams. In one she had a house in a rural setting. You could see sprawling green hills for miles with an occasional house here and there.

Didn’t get up till 2:30, which will only make crashing tonight even harder, but oh well. In just two more days I should be alarm-free for a while. It will be nice to wake up on my own for the first time in weeks. It’s not like I could take Sundays off like Tom can, but here’s where the mixed emotions about working at home come in. I’d still work out of the house if I could even if I didn’t like my job or coworkers, but in cases like this I’m glad to be a work-at-homer and an old-fashioned housewife.

I’m worried about Tammy right now. Had to boot up my Mac for the first time in ages due to the power failure, but Macs boot up way faster than Windows computers do. I had trouble restoring sound at first, so I couldn’t play her VM from my email and had to boot the MJ and hear it there. I was shocked and worried about how horrible she sounded. Her voice sounds old, tired, strained and harsh as hell. I’m amazed she could breathe well enough to even talk. She said it was easier, though, than leaving messages on FB since she’s basically been bedridden. She was rushed to the hospital by ambulance from her doctor’s last Friday and was just released. What’s scary and frustrating is that they still don’t know what’s going on. Nurses are at the house daily and she’s having all kinds of tests, but I guess they misdiagnosed her twice and are totally stumped as to why she’s so ill.

I just know, as I said before, that if she dies I’m REALLY going to be worried. Family death curses do exist. Look at Larry and Sandy’s kids. With one killed in a car accident less than a month before it was due to be born and another killed in a trucking accident, it’s obvious something was after their kids.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2013 Forget thoughts of letters or verbal words about how much Jesse annoys and even pisses me off at times! What I wanted to do to him at 5:00 this morning had nothing to do with words, written or oral!

I didn’t crash till around 3:30 and when the stench of bleach woke me up less than two hours later when Tom hit the shower, I was anything but pleased. It took me an hour to fall back asleep. I had to take a Benadryl to help relax me and calm the itching of my hives. They’ve faded quite a bit but still itch at times.

When I got up I called Jesse but got no answer. It seems he once did say that Mondays weren’t good for him. I’ll get ahold of him soon enough and demand that he back off the shit. It’s way too much. It stinks and stings my eyes, too. I just hope he doesn’t go waking me up between now and my Thursday appointment. Then again, I probably won’t sleep well on Friday either because it’ll be getting up to 66° and you know trailers get hot as easily as they get cold. So I’ll have to get up to play fan and window in the middle of my sleep.

I thought how neat it would be if I could post every single entry I wrote on a particular date and have all my old journals posted in a month, but that would be way too much work proofreading-wise. Besides, it took me an hour and a half just to post the 70 or so entries I posted last night, and that was after they’d been screened. I fell a few months short, though, but if I do them before midnight, I will have every entry made on the 11th of every month that I wrote between the years 1987-2013.

Exchanged a few messages with my niece Jennifer which was very nice. She writes very well and has made quite a life for herself and her son. At first I was bothered by the idea of my nieces getting a total percentage of money higher than my own, but now I’m like eh, enjoy it.

Later…

Strange how I never got a call back from Jesse. Last I knew, even though he’s too lazy and stupid to set up voice messaging, he can at least see who’s calling him, so my number should’ve appeared on his phone. It has before, and he then returns the call when he can. Maybe the influencer’s anger got him into another accident after all. Still, I don’t like not being called back. What if we had an emergency? He better not come down here and wake me up before my alarm goes off tomorrow either!

Tom said he didn’t think the water smelled that bleachy at all, but my nose has always been sharper than his. Being born half deaf makes your other senses stronger, and with the exception of my eyes nowadays, my sense of smell, taste and touch is very keen.

Molly’s paranoia has caused her to lash out at Alison on Facebook where she could’ve sworn she had her blocked. Well, it’s not just about paranoia; it’s about hoping to pick a fight and get the negative reaction she craves. She said she “knew” that either she or myself were the ones harassing her on her blog. Aly, like me, doesn’t care what she thinks and refuses to give her the attention she wants. She doesn’t need to defend herself anyway. Like me, we know who it is. It’s Kim and other people at the group home Molly lives in. Molly would know this too, if she’d just install tracking on her blog, which she’s gone and deleted like she always does after a handful of entries, although Kim would probably disable cookies or use a proxy.

This entry will not be made public because I too, don’t want to give Molly the satisfaction of reading about herself here, and because I’m going to discuss Jen in more detail. She seems like she’s turned out to be a very smart, articulate and goal-oriented woman who knows what she wants and does all she can to achieve it. She works hard to support herself and her son, Dante, with her nursing career.

I was a little sad to hear she was pregnant at just 16 as I have always been big on being anti-teen pregnancy. Even our 20s is kind of young, and well, after seeing so many people have kids that are either too young or too fucked up or both, I just hate to see people throw their lives away and end them when they’re still kids themselves. Waste of youth, waste of life, as I always did say. But Sandy and my brother would have been the type to allow her to have the child whereas my own parents would have forced me to abort or adopt it out if I was too late for an abortion. As hurt as I may’ve been, that would have been one of the few cases where my parents would have been right to make me give the kid up so I could go on living, finish my childhood, and then become an adult and make my own decisions. Not that all adults necessarily get to make their own decisions at times as opposed to fate. I believe, however, that Jen is a good, loving, caring and devoted mother. Larry may’ve been absent a lot and an insensitive hypocrite, but he and Sandy were nothing like my parents or sister, and so Jen would’ve turned out okay and had better examples set for her. If my other 3 nieces ever have kids then I might be a little worried, even if they waited till they were 40.

We discussed our feelings about Larry and my parents and Jen understands and also has her own share of mixed emotions. She said she feels terrible for the abuse my siblings and I went through and hopes that we can find peace amongst the scars we bear. I think that while I will always be angry and never forgive those that have abused me, I have healed and risen above their shit. Why? Cuz that’s all one can do in my case. Doesn’t mean I won’t always have bad memories, it just means I’ve moved on and accepted that what happened can never be changed.

For a while, I couldn’t stand to look at my parents’ pictures. But now I can look at them and know they’re just a cruel, nasty memory and nothing more. God can still hate me and God can still send others to harm me, but it can never be those two. Those two can never ever hurt me again. For now, all I can do is hope that if I don’t learn any more answers in this life, I’ll learn them in the next if there is one. Unless all the events in my life were random (Tom thinks they were cuz everyone’s lives are different with no set pattern or sense of logic/order) I hope God will one day tell me why He has hated me for so much of my life.

Although she first told me she never asked for or received anything, Jen did admit that Larry was adamant about her having some old table for sentimental reasons, which is fine with me. I could care less about material things. She also got some pictures, too. What was kind of surprising was that she didn’t know about Walter or that she was to be getting any money. She said she hoped I wouldn’t take it wrong and admits she was no granddaughter to them any more than they were grandparents to her being so far away for most of her life, but that if that’s what they willed, then the money is rightfully hers. She’s right, I told her, it is. I told her it pissed me off at first, but now I am just grateful for my share since we are trying to buy a house, after all.

Although she doesn’t agree with all her father’s decisions, her heart aches for the loss of him, and he was the only male figure in her son’s life, too. You know how most guys are - don’t want anything to do with their own kid, don’t want a woman who already has a kid. Too bad too, as Jen is a tall, slim and lovely young woman with a good heart and no doubt much to offer.

As I told her, I understand her concerns with what I may say about the family in my journal and that is something I always considered when deciding to go public with it. I compromised with myself on that one. I don’t hold back if I’m upset about something or someone since that’s what a journal is for, and I don’t hesitate to share my beliefs, opinions, experiences and feelings, but I don’t use full names. No sensitive info whatsoever. No physical addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, full names, etc. I also am sure to point out when I’m not 100% sure of something and will make sure I state that it’s just something I may’ve heard, or just a theory of mine, but not a known fact. I also take into consideration different people’s individual preferences. I have friends who don’t care what I say about them, personal or not, and then I have friends who wouldn’t even want it known if they shoveled snow from their driveway. I make my best judgment based on content and who may be involved in that content.

Everyone handles their blogs differently. I personally think one’s sex life should be private, not because it’s wrong or dirty, but because everyone should have at least some secrets and privacy in their lives. To me, sex is a special thing between the people involved and those involved only, but again, that’s just me. Let people wonder about that, I say, though I understand that it is automatically assumed that if you’re not discussing sex with someone, somewhere, then you must be celibate. Well, I’ll admit that I don’t have sex that often with my husband, but there’s no need to discuss what we do when we do get together. Same with if I ever meet other women for sex. I don’t have a problem with admitting I may be having sex with whoever, but you’ll just have to wonder and guess as far as details go. :) I don’t mind hearing about other’s sex lives (though I can think of more interesting things to listen to), but mine will always be a mystery left to the imagination of others.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2013 Although I didn’t want it to, and although I may hate to admit it, a sense of sadness came over me along with a sense of closure upon reading Walter’s email. To see two people’s lives picked apart, torn down and liquidated to nearly nothing is kind of sad. If my parents were suddenly alive they’d be worth even less than my husband and I were when we were on the streets of Sacramento. But as I learned those days I hopelessly begged for God to help us and was instead guided into disaster, we’re the only ones we can count on in life. Just us and our loved ones. The more we waste time hoping and waiting for some unseen force to come and guide us onto the right path in life, the longer we will be miserable, not that one can necessarily speed up the hands of time when one wants to. Circumstances beyond our control will arise no matter what, and sometimes we’re affected by them in a bad way for longer than we’d like.

It’s still a sad thought, despite the assholes that they were, to know that if my parents were suddenly alive and whole once again, they would have absolutely NOTHING. No home, no car, no food, no money, no clothes, no shoes, nothing. This saddens me until I remember how they treated me, especially my mother. God allowed her to abuse me and He also protected her from the law. What is He now blessing the bitch with in the afterlife if one exists? With my shit luck, she’s probably got it sweet and fine.

Or maybe the events in our lives really are totally random, as some people believe. Maybe there is no God and maybe there is no afterlife. I wish I knew all the answers, but I just don’t. It just feels weird to know we’re worth thousands. They’re worth nothing. Just a big fat NOTHING.

Later…

I’ve been staying out of it, but apparently, it’s not just Kim and Kathy leaving nasty comments on Molly’s blog, but other fuckheads at Marbridge as well. Seems that not surprisingly, Molly’s made enemies there as well. The nut leaves a trail of enemies in her wake as I leave a trail of perfume in mine. The troll’s visiting with her parents at a hotel in Austin and the other group homies are letting her know just how happy they are that she’s not there. Oh, and picking on her weight, too.

Now Molly just wrote a post saying she suspects “a girl named Jodi is behind the fake accounts and strange comments” she gets.

What fake accounts? And why does she suspect me when it’s obvious who it really is? Is she in some sort of denial? She must be because right after “Michael, Alan and Gemma” from Marbridge left their nasty comment, she said everyone there likes her and texts her. Yeah, right. You’re such a wonderful person, Molly, aren’t you?

Anyway, I don’t care what she thinks, though all she has to do is install a tracker and that should tell her who’s visiting her. As long as the kiddy drama stays out of my own blogs, though I can ensure this by disabling anonymous comments, she can write what she wants and she can kid herself all she wants, too.

I did let Jennifer have it after all and I feel kind of bad for it. I told her so too, after she said she never asked for or received anything from my parents, she couldn’t care less, and she makes her own money, thank you.

I guess I felt the need to vent, though as I told her, I realize it’s not fair to blame her for other people’s actions and that I know she’s not responsible for what others do.

Later…

I swear I really am done dying my hair this time and that this will be it for quite a while. I swear! I am so sick of this ammonia-reeking, hair-thinning, hair-frying shit that is not only too short-lived but that I still seem to drip on the floor even if it’s the foamy, no-drip type of dye. The funny part was getting it on pesky Jesse’s already-stained, old, ugly tan carpet. I didn’t realize I stepped into a glob of foam that hit the floor. So now there are two little brown partial footprints on the living room carpet, hahaha.

After we move I’ll eventually visit a salon, have my layers and dead ends trimmed, have it professionally dyed one last time to a light brown that’ll blend with the gray better, and then just let it all grow out and just stay gray. I’m 47 for God’s sake, not 27. If I were young and single the last thing I’d want was gray hair, and no, it doesn’t look as good as colored hair, but so what if I go from ugly to uglier? Tom loves me no matter what, and I ain’t getting any younger or prettier anyway.

The Jes pest was at it again today with the water games. I noticed the water pressure was low when I got up at noon and peed. Tom said it wasn’t and that he ran into the cock on the way back from the store who said he had drained the tanks and that they’d be filled back up in an hour.

Jeez, thanks, Jes. What if we’d been in the shower or something? And when is this restless bastard going to take one day – just one lousy day – off from fiddling with shit that should be left alone?! If he could just be kind enough to break a leg, we could be out of here before it’s healed enough for him to go running around the land and messing up this and messing up that all over again. For now, the water’s still not clear but is better than it was, though it still stinks. Just stepping into the bathroom you can smell the bleach coming from the toilet water. Is he out of his mind or is his sense of smell just that dead?

Andy said he thought otherwise at first, but could now see where I may want to send him a long heartfelt letter concerning the way he and his mutts have stolen my peace and tranquility. Ah, but why waste a stamp when I can just email his sister or leave a note under the stove and fridge, figuring that sooner or later they’ll break and need replacing. He’ll then come to haul them out of here and discover my piece of mind under them, LOL. Then again, our reasons for moving are no big secret and nothing we couldn’t tell him directly to his face. We’re sick of the lack of space. We’re tired of old, problematic places. We’re tired of him. We’re tired of his mutts. We’re tired of the shitty Internet connection. Period.

The mutts have actually been amazingly quiet. Jesse’s driving me crazy more with water problems and worries of him disturbing my sleep than with noise, though I still hear loud vehicles coming and going. I worried I’d jinx myself by saying this. Sure enough, at 6:00 this evening the mutts went off. I also worried he’d be gone overnight since they’re terrified to be left alone at night and wouldn’t stop till around 3am, but 10 minutes later I stepped out of the sound of the air cleaner I’d clicked on and into the bathroom, and all was silent as can be. He probably just went to bring his kid back to his mom’s.

Had dreams about the new place being around 1400 square feet. That seems a little big to be believable. It’s possible, but most of the double-wides we’re looking at are closer to 1000 square feet. Plenty for us and twice as much as what we’ve got now.

I also had a dream about writing about my experiences with dating 3 different women, one white, one Indian, and one Italian. I was going to incorporate them into a story, I guess. I don’t know if I really did date these women or if I got the idea through a dream in the dream I had, but it seems I had especially nice things to say about the Italian chick, LOL.

In real life, I have a tall, sexy-hot German cyber GF who never fails to remember me once or twice a week by sending a nice message letting me know what’s up with her and asking how I’ve been. :) It is obvious that she cares about me and what’s going on with me.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2013 I was able to surprise myself by falling asleep a few hours earlier than I expected to last night and slept from midnight to noon. I awoke a few times along the way and had dreams about being interviewed on some news or talk show about my writing. There were a few others on the panel with me that were either there to discuss their own books if not something else entirely. At one point I was asked how I got story ideas, and I said mostly from dreams. Then I was asked about my weight, and I said I was 118 pounds. LOL, I doubt I’ll ever be under 120 again.

First Jesse kills me yesterday in the shower with all the fucking bleach he dumped in the tanks, now he’s running a loud vehicle (his truck?). I sprayed the shit out of myself with perfume after applying scented lotion, and now I’m burning a stick of incense, but all I smell is bleach, bleach, bleach! There’s no excuse for this much shit to be added to the already filthy water. Next time I see him I’ve definitely got to tell him to back off the shit. My eyes are stinging and I stink like hell. I was probably cleaner before I showered. Gross or not, I’m going to shower just every other day while we’re still here. On non-shower days I can wet wipe myself down. The wet wipes we’ve got smell way better than the bleach factory we smell like we spent the day at when we step out of the shower. sighs How many more fucking months – or years – are we going to have to be here?

Today I woke up to find brown water in the toilet and of course the tub is leaking worse. Tom left a message saying he’d flush the worst of the dirt out from outside when he gets home and to just use bottled water to brush my teeth.

We didn’t come here for this shit and if the water isn’t cleared up real damn fast, we’re not paying full rent! How the fuck am I supposed to do laundry in this shit? At this point, I’m totally willing to settle for staying in another old single-wide for a year before getting what we want just to get out of here sooner. We’re wasting money like crazy here and I’m not getting any less sick of the sluggish and unpredictable Internet connection.

Meanwhile, if the dreams are right about me getting 12K from my parents (assuming no one’s fucking with me, something I’m beginning to wonder), by the time I get it we may very well have around 20K in savings. Plus we’ve now got just one bad thing left on our credit report and are establishing credit.

Maya surprised me with a “no” when I sent a message asking if she was really just Kim playing around. I didn’t think the message went through. I don’t know what to think anymore where that account is concerned, but am a little surprised she hasn’t commented on my blogs.

Later…

Well, the day is ending a lot better than it began. Finally heard from Walter! Still don’t like the 40%/15% thing and think it should’ve been 60%/10%, but at least I’m getting something. We all had serious doubts at first. Every little bit helps toward the move and now that we know the dreams I had were right in that I’ll be getting more than 2 or 3 grand, but wrong about me getting 12K since it will actually be closer to 8K, we can start aggressively hunting for a place.

Between the estate money, savings and tax refunds, we should have around 15K to work with. With the economy being as it is these days, you can find a decent 2-bed/2-bath starting at around 10K. That leaves us plenty for new furniture and other stuff for the house. We’re okay with draining the savings entirely cuz we know we’ll be able to easily save about a grand a month since our overall expenses will be cheaper and that’s without OT. The lot should be cheaper than the rent is here, and we’ll save on gas big time since we’ll be closer to where he works and to more stores. No more driving 30-40 minutes, depending on traffic, just to get to Walmart.

Still, it doesn’t seem right for a daughter to get 8K while granddaughters get 12K, even if it’s split between 4 of them. It would be nice if they would each give me a grand, but that’s not going to happen. Hell, I wouldn’t give a penny of it to anyone if it were me.

Other than Jesse’s dirt-filled, bleach-stinking water, which we did manage to clear up a little, life is getting better and better. Tom cleaned the washer’s screen of the dirt that got inside it and slowed down the stream of water, then I could get the rest of the wash done.

Exchanged messages with Andy, who’s got 17” of snow, and Mary, too.

We ordered $132 of groceries online. Tom will pick them up in the morning when he goes to check the mail and run other errands.

I just wish the OT would let up a bit more at work until we got moved! Finding the time to look for potential places online is one thing. Going out and actually seeing them is another.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2013 It was summertime in last night’s dream where I was walking somewhere along the countryside with some unknown young girl. She was quick to point out God’s love in the beauty of the nature around us from the stark green hills to the colorful wildflowers.

“Why do you only see half a picture?” I asked her.

“What do you mean?” she asked me curiously.

“You see His love, but you don’t see His hate. Why is that?” Still not getting my point, I explained, “Wildfires, murder, rape, diseases, natural disasters… why do you not see the big picture and see God’s evil side as well as his good side? We as humans have both good and evil in us. Think God’s any different?”

She thought about it a moment and said, “I suppose not. I guess I saw only what I wanted to see.”

I awoke telling her that sometimes I wished I could see only the good in things too, even if I’d be kidding myself by blinding myself to the evil in the world. It’s true, though. He made the beauty in that vibrantly colored flower you may’ve seen out there today, but He also made that tsunami that killed thousands of innocent people. Yet so many people are quick to refer to Him as “good” and “loving” when He’s just as evil and hateful. I don’t get this at all but to each their own. If evil is too scary to face and accept, then maybe you shouldn’t.

If I see one more “praise daddy” post from Sarah I think I’ll scream. Okay, so I know she has every right to love her dad and to post what she wants, and I know it’s nothing personal or anything like that, but it still gets to me. Like a woman doesn’t want to see her rapist praised, it bothers me to see this abusive guy who had a hand in ruining my life for years get any praise of his own. I don’t resent him nearly as much as I do those who directly had a hand in legally screwing me, but still, the resentment is deep enough and strong enough to know I could never sit tight and just smile politely for the sake of others if I were suddenly there and he walked in the room. Like it or not – and I know some people don’t want to hear this – I would end up in jail in no time. Meanwhile, this is still my journal and I have a right to my own feelings as well. People expect me to consider their feelings, but what about mine? Don’t mine count for anything as well? Again, just like others have a right to post what they want, I have a right to vent in my own journal and will gladly do so, so if anyone out there has a problem with it, you may want to not read it. Just like I can ignore people’s posts, they can ignore my journal.

Woke up tired and could’ve slept another hour or two. I hit the snooze button 3 times before I finally dragged my ass out of bed. I should’ve pushed my schedule ahead instead of holding it back. And why isn’t 8 hours enough for me these days? Wish I could know I’d crash earlier to make up for it, but that’s not usually something I can do, tired or not. The next week is going to be exhausting and I hate to go to the eye doctor with tired eyes, but it’s a little late to push ahead now.

I’m surprised Kim hasn’t left any comments on my blogs.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2013 Although Maliheh picked up my message about the homeless dream, she didn’t even have the decency to send a quick reply. Once again, my lack of hearing from her and her refusal to add me on FB pretty much tells me more than I need to know.

Kim left a comment on Molly’s blog as Janet M suggesting that Alan, this guy she has a crush on who resides at the group home, isn’t into her. I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t resist adding that she might want to switch to girls as Maya O. Then this morning I woke up to find an anonymous comment telling her to ignore the first two comments and to just keep her chin up and stick to herself, and good luck with meeting with her parents this weekend.

Again I’m left to wonder who this could be. Another alter of Kim’s? Aly? Someone else? Ironically enough, Aly’s the only one who says she isn’t getting emails from me or FB messages. I can only communicate with her through her wall. True tech issues? Or her way of deterring contact from me?

I made my blogs public again because I missed having them that way and seeing who comes around. I’ll just be more careful about what I say, of course. I’m allowing for anonymous comments again on MO and LJ, but if that privilege is abused by spammers as I suspect it may be, that will change.

Still have no desire to return to Ask. Maybe this summer or next winter. Ask is too glitchy. I hate Formspring’s layout and video craze but at least it’s not as glitchy right now.

My dreams are getting stranger by the minute. As anyone who knows me knows, I hate apartments. Anything that’s attached to others is nothing I can stand to live in and I wonder how I survived 9 years of apartments, hotels and 10 months at the duplex. Yet that’s exactly what we were trying to rent in last night’s dream. I don’t know how many rooms it had, but it seemed to be a humungous two-bed, two-bath. It was old and ugly with hardwood floors yet I just loved it. I was worried that these 3 young girls who also came to look at it would get it, even though it was noisy as hell with paper-thin walls. I could hear dishes clanking in the neighboring apartment and dogs barking outside like crazy, yet I still wanted the apartment really bad. Don’t know if we got it, though.

Reading for a few hours at night has helped me to tire down and keep on the schedule I’ve been on where I get up late in the morning. Don’t know how long I can keep it up but I’ve got to stay on days for another week until my eye appointment.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2013 The Jes pest came down an hour after I got up to tell me he was turning the water off for a couple of hours to drain and vacuum out the tank. He said this would be the last day he’d be working on the well and tank. Good, cuz it’s supposed to rain the next two days. Anyway, I can tell it’s not quite filled back up yet cuz we’re not up to full pressure yet. That’s fine. I’ve already showered and don’t have any dishes or laundry to do right now.

Looks like Tom’s not going to get in as early today.

Although I alerted Maliheh to it, hopefully the dream I had about her doesn’t mean any trouble is headed her way. She was homeless in the dream. She was walking around missing a shoe and I offered her a spare pair of sneakers. She turned them down saying she’d be okay. I also offered her food, but she wouldn’t take that either.

Aly and Kathy have doubts about “Maya” being Kim, but IDK. As long as Kim, either as herself or someone else, doesn’t bother me or my friends, she can do what she wants and she can be as many people as she wants to be.

Been growing my bangs out and I’m still not sure I like it better this way. But with the bangs, it’s a pain in the ass to keep trimming them every month, so maybe I’ll just leave it this way a while longer. I hate how it’s always in my face unless I pull it back, but then I don’t have to trim it regularly.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2013 Maya O. That’s Kim’s latest account as a young single knock-up in NY with Tourette’s syndrome. She has also decided she’s bipolar, cool and loves to draw. Kathy fronted me the link after Kim tried to add her to that account. She immediately suspected one of Kim’s alters cuz “Maya” is friends with two accounts where Kim actually uses her real name.

It’s chilling just how detailed the account is even though it’s only a few days old. She even has a couple of friends who no doubt think she really is this Maya character. I gave them the heads up, but knowing Facebook, they won’t get the message. Meanwhile, I reported the account as fake. It’s sad, sick and scary to think she just sits there day after day, month after month, year after year, creating all these different personas. It’s like it’s her whole life. She may have no life and all the free time in the world, but how does even she have time to be so many people? It seems there are not enough hours in a day to be so many damn people. Whether she’s role-playing obsessed or truly has MPD as I suspect, it’s sad that she doesn’t have anyone to channel her energies into more honest and productive activities like Molly has these days. She should be spending her days in some sort of structured facility and kept offline, or at least not allowed online without being monitored. Unfortunately, though, until and if she either hurts herself or someone else, no one can force an adult in their 30s to do anything they don’t want to do. This means that she’s free to be a million people other than herself and to follow and harass those online that dared to confront her on her shit and then walk away. As long as she’s alive I can never do anything where I can be contacted in a place where she knows I exist.

I had no idea she was this good at being other people. Clearly, the writing style is similar to hers, but I can see how she managed to fool me so easily on Ask and would continue to do so if she could. I’m now sure that the vast majority of my anonymous questions that I thought came from lots of different people were really her. I feel like such an idiot! I know there’s no way I could’ve known, but it still has a way of making one feel pretty foolish and stupid. I had no idea the magnitude of her craziness back then. Sometimes she made it very obvious that it was she who was pestering me there, so I wasn’t expecting it when she made it a lot less obvious like she sometimes did as well, depending on “who” she was at the time.

Anyway, “Maya” uses a pic of a young blond girl, and has a picture of a very pregnant belly on her wall. I had to laugh at the part where she claims to be having 3 lil ones in 5 months and is scared as hell. Oh, and she’s in so much pain as having Tourette’s, and being pregnant sucks, though she must think of her unborn, LOL.

Andy joined Formspring so we’ll keep in touch there, a place Kim and Molly are unaware of. The videos are annoying and the layout of the site sucks compared to Ask, but at least we can change backgrounds there and they even allow animated ones. Until they start having problems too, that is. For now, the trolls can wonder where the hell Andy’s been cuz I know they watch him daily on Ask. Andy’s not going to deactivate his account, though, just not use it as much. I guess he’ll still want to check it once a week or so cuz Lady Di is still there.

Tom and I are both still feeling kinda run down and coughing a bit (I feel like I’m never going to wake up refreshed and energized ever again), but he was thrilled to get off work after just a half-hour of OT and not two hours of OT. Then he could leisurely relax, eat, check the latest listings for places within our price range, then get to bed early and catch up on his sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I woke up a million times, as usual, and this time I not only had negative dreams, but something tapped me on the cheek and woke me up for a few minutes. I swear. I know it sounds as crazy as Kim and all her 10 million alters, but I really don’t think I was dreaming. I was actually dreaming something at the time that had nothing to do with being tapped on the cheek or anywhere else. The tap was gentle but too much for any kind of insect to make and we don’t have mice hanging around lately, so I don’t know what else it could’ve been if it wasn’t something or someone from the other side. Still not sure I even believe in that other side, but I can’t come up with any other logical explanation for it. I think maybe something was saying, “Try to stay on schedule. You’ve got an appointment in 9 days.” I’ll be setting my alarm so my schedule can’t jump more than half-hour intervals until then. I’ve been tiring down early which is good. The only problem is that I’ve been sleeping forever so that kind of makes up for it. I usually sleep 8 hours, but lately it’s been 10-12.

In one dream I had done two years for killing someone. Must not have been much of a kill to get just two years for murder. In another, I was living in some large institution of some kind (a common dream I unfortunately have) and didn’t seem to know Tom. I’m not sure if it was a type of jail or funny farm, but it seems I had to be there. I had two roommates too, and what was weird was that I shared a double bed with one of them while another slept on a twin bed toward our feet.

We were having breakfast in some kind of cafeteria when one girl noticed I looked kind of down. Supposedly I was going blind and said, “Is there any way they could be wrong and that I might not be going blind after all? I can still see things.”

The girl looked sad too, and said there was no way I would be able to see for much longer. This is a scary dream for someone like me to be having too, but Tom assures me it’s not possible. Even the doctor said we won’t let me go blind. I guess glaucoma isn’t curable but it is preventable.

My hives are healing and right now they just look like giant cigarette burns.

I’ve been hearing Jesse buzzing about the land, as usual. This time around he’s got something going on down by the well and Tom said something about a big pipe and asked if there’d been any water problems. No, but I’m sure there will be at some point. Anyway, this guy’s always got something going on. He’s never going to be the lazy type that likes to just veg in front of the TV all day, so hopefully we can get the hell out soon enough. He’s also still clearing brush from his drive to lay down some new gravel. Every project he does is just one more thing I gotta deal with, and now I gotta worry he’ll fuck up my schedule between now and the 14th?

Chatted with Nane for a bit today. She’s broke cuz she’s been overspending and so she’s selling things on eBay. At least she’s back from the dead!

Great. I can’t fucking get online now, so I’ll have to post this in an hour or two.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2013 Still waking up tired and feeling a bit rundown throughout the day. I don’t know what my problem is. I guess I was just that sick and it just takes that long to fully recover. I have to push myself to get things done, but I manage. Oddly enough, it’s been helping me to keep a schedule since I keep tiring down early. I woke up an hour earlier today and although I was still tired I was unable to fall back asleep.

The best news is that I finally got a hold of my Italian dad! I’d have called sooner had I not gotten so sick. The cell caused the usual shitty connection, and I think he may be hard of hearing and maybe a little out of it as well, but he was thrilled to hear from me. Again he thanked me for the letter, saying he’s got it on the mantel and is keeping it. He asked for the cell number and I gave it to him. I told him that although the other number was correct that I gave him, it can’t be used while we’re still living here. I promised to keep in touch and write regularly.

I had strange dreams throughout the night. In one I joined a band as the lead singer and promptly began doing drugs with the other band members. In another, I was living with my parents and awoke early one morning on a rainy, miserable day. I had to get up for work, though I don’t know where I was working. Some stupid minimum-wage job, I guess. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I said to my mother, “I wish jobs had never been invented. I just want to get back in bed and listen to the rainfall.” I half-hoped she would suggest I do just that, but she never said anything.

I’m making IHOP pastries filled with sweet cream now, and later on when Tom gets in from work I’ll make us pork chops. My appetite hasn’t returned entirely and I’m trying to keep it that way as long as I can and take advantage of my shrunken tummy. I’m limiting myself to 1000 calories a day and am down from 150 pounds to 142 pounds. Just maybe I’ll see the 130s again someday.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2013 Lost another pound, got more coming back in taxes than we originally thought (over $700), and our credit is cleaning up nicely. Tom’s working on getting the book scammers off our credit and it’s looking good so far.

The house we wanted is still for sale and they dropped the price to 10K, so something must be wrong. It’s probably got to do with the electrical and the place needing to be re-leveled. I guess the place doesn’t rest on all the stands or something like that. Still, if the problems were fixable and we could just get the damn money I’m STILL waiting on, it would be such an ideal location in such a nice park! I don’t want to get my hopes up, though.

Managed to run a bit today, but only for a few minutes, as I didn’t want to push it. I even did a little arm work, too.

Soaked my feet in our new foot massager and it was okay. It can’t replace human hands, but it’s nice for those who are on their feet all day.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2013 The heavy bleeding finally stopped yesterday, and that too, was probably caused by the Alli, according to my research. Damn, what other problems would I now be having had I not stopped the stuff when I did?!

Oh, those fucking trolls. They figured out who “Lamar” was on Ask, so I’m not going to ask Andy anything else there. I knew I shouldn’t have anyway. We’re both getting a little too obvious, I guess, with the things we say. Besides, we keep in touch enough through email and FB.

Lamar was a guy with a funny last name we found in the phonebook a million years ago when we both lived back East, so that’s why I used that name.

Still waking up warm and groggy, and still wheezing and coughing at times, but slowly getting better with each passing day. Tom guesses he’ll be back to 100% on Monday, which would put me there on Tuesday. Love the lack of appetite I still have. I’ve lost 7 pounds since I first started the Alli, but doubt I’ll keep them off for long.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2013 LOL, I check Molly’s blog every now and then just to get a good laugh. Kim’s still trying to buddy up to her, sometimes as herself, but usually as some celebrity. Today she’s Snooki.

I feel like such an idiot when I think of how many times she suckered me into thinking she was really someone else on Ask, though I had no way of knowing at the time just how fucked in the head she was. I’m almost positive that my “pretty lady” fan and the “friend of a friend who had heard about me” was her.

For now, she and Molly can have fun wondering what the hell I’m writing about cuz I’m not about to be kind enough to share. At least not until they somehow manage to find my Tumblr blog.

I thought I would wake up wonderfully refreshed after sleeping 9-10 hours, but instead all that’s improved is my cough. I still feel rundown and my appetite hasn’t fully returned yet either. I almost ate a whole meal today, though, something that was beginning to seem more foreign by the minute as all I could do was nibble.

Another strange thing is how warm I’ve been feeling. I usually get cold very easily, especially my feet, but I’m sitting here barefoot and in shorts and a sports bra. The windows are open and the fans are blaring. It is warming up, though, and is now 79° in this room. But when I got up when it was 9° cooler it didn’t seem chilly at all. It still gets cold as hell at night, though, down in the upper 30s. This time of year the weather is totally bipolar; warm days, cold nights. I doubt we’ll freeze anymore this year, though.

My German hottie’s been sick too, but she checked in to wish me gute besserung mit meinen Augen.

Aw, wie suß. :)

Oh, those long ugly words of hers. Poor girl has Nebenhöhlenentzündung (sinusitis).

Adonis said he looked through my archive on MO since that blog is still available to friends only, and wondered if I’d made some private entries during those days, but as I told him, I was simply too sick to write.

Yesterday’s eye exam was a bit rough on me cuz I was still so out of it. It was nice to get out and get some fresh air, but I couldn’t wait to get back and climb back into bed! I had slept pretty shitty the night before, waking for a few hours in the middle of my sleep.

The doctor and his staff were very friendly and helpful. The doctor spoke loud and clear enough for me to hear him and took the time to explain things to me. All looks good with one small catch and that’s elevated eye pressure. I’m hoping it’s just the flu that’s causing a false reading, but he wants me back in a couple of weeks to check it again. It’s not like I’m going to go blind, but if left unmonitored, there is a 20% risk of glaucoma. Worst-case scenario I have to use eye drops for a while.

In a couple of weeks I will finally have bifocals for when I’m out and about, and new reading glasses as well.

Tom’s exam went well and all he needs is one single-vision pair of glasses for driving, the lucky bastard. And he’s older than me, too.

Again, it’s so great to be insured! Between the two of us, this would have cost over $500, but it cost just a little over $100 instead.

[nightmarist]

Hysterectomy experience

(w photos, not very graphic incisions)

Arrived 2 hours before surgery as instructed, checked in. I was not allowed to eat anything past midnight the night prior. No drinking, no water, no gum. It was right after veteran’s day in the US so there were more people than usual.

Waited about an hour before I and my friend were taken to the OR. Lots of curtains hiding several patients.

Several ppl misgendered me all day, sadly.

Did a urine sample. Put all my clothes and my glasses in a basket. They gave me body wipes to clean my arms, legs, front, and back. NOT the genitals. Hair in a net, only tied the top half of the hospital gown. Grippy socks. Laid in the bed with a blanket. It felt very exposed since the curtain didn’t close all the way. I was thankfully in the very very last section so only doctors would have seen me.

Surgeon came in and explained the procedure. She’s explained it several times to me at various appointments. Loved my surgeon, she’s great. Introduced me to the other surgeon, I don’t recall her actual title.

The aesthetician came in and explained I’d be put under with a tube in my throat to help me breathe. He was fun, he introduced himself and jokingly said “don’t worry about it, though, because you’re not going to remember” (after anesthesia). I’m mad bc I remember everything Except his name. It was like, Jesse or Justin or something.

A nurse put in my IV. She rubbed my hand a few times to find a good spot, adjusted my wrist. It sucked. She was very nice it just hurt a Lot. Surgeon talked to me to help distract from the pain.

They gave me a pill and a little water so I wouldn’t spasm during surgery. Also put little wraps on my legs for circulation. Propped me up on the gurney. Put a gel into my nostrils for preventing phlegm, I think. I was wheeled out and I was Out like a light immediately.

Woke up super groggy. It felt Great.

I remember the end of my dream. I was surrounded by cold concrete and I saw a red velvet curtain but it also felt warm and cozy. I vaguely remember other parts of my dream. While I was coming in and out of anesthesia, I said to the new nurse “What a beautiful dream, what a beautiful dream, I had a beautiful dream” and I remember he said something like “Oh that’s nice to hear” while fiddling with my IV and the machines. I also said “I was a vampire who lived a thousand lifetimes in a thousand years”

He asked me several times how my pain was. He was flitting between me and another guy next to be beyond the curtain. My pain grew from 3 to 4 to 5 to 6 as everything started to wear off. Up to even an 8, it started to hurt SO bad. I was sort of babbling, still coming to, and he gave me sips of cold water. My throat was so dry.

Waking up really felt like those movies or TV shows where you’re in the POV of the person and everything has a vignette while they’re blinking and all sounds are both slightly muffled and a little loud. Surprisingly accurate.

A nurse gave me a breathing apparatus, a spirometer. Basically they told me to breathe through and cough so my lungs wouldn’t get infected. This one’s called a Voldyne 4000. My instructions were to inhale through the tube deep, hold it, breathe out, and cough ten times every hour. Then the next few days after do it every 3 hours.

I asked a couple times if I could lay down a bit more and they adjusted the bed a bit.

My hands and feet were super cold. Another nurse put my hands over a tube blowing warm air under the sheet.

First nurse gave me some more pain meds. He was very nice but obviously trying to get me out. When I said my pain was 6 or 7 he said in like, an almost facetious tone “Well if we give you more pain killer you’ll have to stay longer, don’t you want to go home?” Bitch give me the fucking pain killer.

Eventually when to went back down to a 3 or 4 they gave me my clothes and told me to get dressed.

When they left me alone to get dressed, I almost cried. I sort of crawled over the bed. I felt suddenly horribly depressed for no reason. There’s only curtains separating me from the other patients and what helped was a person next to me had a nurse telling them “Hey it’s ok, people cry after waking up from anesthesia all the time, it’s normal. Just let it out ok?”

My legs felt like jelly and I had a bit of trouble putting my clothes back on but I managed. There was blood where I was sitting, I felt blood kind of leak from between my legs and unfortunately stain my underwear. I should have packed extras plus pads. I was put into a little wheelchair, a very interesting design.

Someone told me a special glue was used to close up the incisions and they’ll fall off on their own.

Nurse and friend helped me into the car. Nurse grabbed hold of the back of my hoodie to help me stay upright.

They really do NOT want you to overstay it was kind of annoying how much it felt like they were rushing me out but I Get they have to see other patients to perform surgery on. Maybe there should be a post op waiting room or something.

I got in the car and felt extremely nauseous. Friend gave me a bag and I puked twice. It was bright orange. Not blood, but whatever fluid they put to expand my body. Nurse gave me a set of body wash cloths.

I was super groggy and just stayed in bed for a few hours. I used the spirometer. Used the bathroom several times. Bled a little.

Played telephone tag w the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. Surgeon gave me four pain killers and milk of magnesia in case I get constipated.

Unfortunately the friend I stayed with also misgendered me on accident and also wanted to talk about Harry Potter. She cooked steak and very salty asparagus, but I couldn’t eat it. Tried a granola bar and I couldn’t eat that either. I couldn’t eat anything all day.

She convinced me to get my painkillers moved to a closer pharmacy but doing that made their availability later. We tried to call the original pharmacy but they couldn’t do anything besides start the process over so unfortunately I had no pain killers all day.

I got home, was able to at least get oxycodone and ate some plain rice with it to sleep.

Had a fever of 99.9 and chills for a day and a half. Have to get up and walk around for 20 minutes every few hours to prevent blood clots.

Not allowed to insert anything (no penetrative sex, no tampon, no douching) for 3 months. No heavy lifting over 20 lbs.

I’m allowed to wear a binder bc it helps hold my tummy when I cough.

I have five incisions. No baths, no pools. Showers after a couple days is OK. No scented soaps.

Healing well.

Incisions hurt. A bit of cramping. My clitoris hurt a bit waking up. Nurse said it’s normal for genital pain after a heavy surgery in the lower half of my body.

Different meds make different parts feel better. Oxy makes my whole body feel Great. Also very sleepy. Ibuprofen makes me cramp less. Gabapentin makes the incisions hurt less. Haven’t gotten my acetaminohen yet.

[snowysosturn]

Speeding Car - Matt Sturniolo Part 12

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29

Pairing : y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary : After six years with your boyfriend Alex, you start to mentally check out. At a UCLA party, Alex reconnects with his childhood friend Emily, who proposes a double date with her boyfriend Matt. Your attraction to Matt grows as he pays you the first real attention you've had in years, sparking a complicated emotional journey.

Warnings : MDNI, tension, angst

The silence in my apartment was suffocating after Alex stormed out, slamming the door behind him. I replayed our argument over and over, each word cutting deeper. How did we get here? I’d spent the last month caring for him, rearranging my life to cater to him. Now, he was off to Barcelona with Emily, leaving me to pick up the pieces. A bitter laugh escaped me. Of course, he chose her over me. I couldn't even spend our last night together before his trip.

I angrily wiped away tears, trying to suppress the rising wave of emotions. It wasn't just the argument with Alex that hurt, it was everything else too. Matt’s silence since the fight, the confusion about what almost happened between us, and the sinking feeling that maybe I wasn’t enough. Not for Alex, not for anyone.

Curling up on the couch, the apartment felt empty and cold. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Now there was nothing to distract me from the growing loneliness. My phone buzzed, and my heart skipped a beat, hoping it was Alex with an apology. But it was Nick. Surprised, I hesitated before opening the message.

 "Hey, are you okay? I heard Alex is staying here tonight.. Do you want to hang out?"

A wave of gratitude washed over me. I hadn’t realized how much I needed someone to reach out until I saw Nick’s message. I quickly replied, "I’d really like that. I can order you an Uber?"

His response came instantly. "Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks."

As I waited for Nick to arrive, a mix of emotions swirled inside me. I hadn’t expected to hear from him, let alone tonight. The last time I saw Nick was the same night I last saw Matt, and now that he was coming over, I wasn’t sure what to expect. But one thing was clear - I was grateful someone cared enough to check on me, even if it wasn’t the person I had hoped for.

When Nick arrived, his soft smile and warm greeting were comforting. “Hey girl” he said, his voice soothing. We sat on the couch, and after a brief silence, he said, “I’m really sorry about everything that’s been going on.”

“Everything’s just a mess, you know? I’ve been trying so hard to make things work with Alex, but it feels like I’m the only one who cares. And now he’s off to Barcelona with Emily, and I’m just.. here.”

Nick nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, I get that. It’s not fair that he left like that, especially after everything you’ve done for him, but don’t worry we’re making sure you’re busyyyyy while he’s away.”

I smirked at his last comment, I could really use more time out of the house. “I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. Why does it feel like I’m never enough?”

“You’re not doing anything wrong.” Nick said firmly. “Alex is the one who’s screwing up, not you. You’ve been bending over backward for him, and he’s just taking you for granted.”

His words hit me hard, and I had to look away, blinking back tears. “It just hurts, you know? I’ve given so much, and it feels like he doesn’t even care. I just feel so lonely.”

Nick placed a comforting hand on my arm. “You deserve better than that, Y/n. You deserve someone who actually appreciates everything you do. Maybe it's time to end things with him?”

No one had ever said those words to me before, so it came as a shock. “Maybe.. But thank you, Nick. It means a lot.”

We talked for a while,  gossiped and watched some episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race and slowly, the weight of the evening lifted. 

Matt’s POV

The next morning, the blaring jingle of my alarm pulled me from a restless sleep. I quietly got dressed, trying not to wake Emily, who was sprawled across the bed, completely oblivious to the storm brewing in my head.

Once I was ready, I nudged Emily gently. “Hey, we need to get going soon if you want to make your flight.”

She groaned, burying her face in the pillow. “Just five more minutes…”

“Emily, come on” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “You’re gonna miss your flight if you don’t get up.”

“Ughhh, fine.” she mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She looked at me through half open eyes, clearly not a morning person. “Why do these flights have to be so early?”

I didn’t answer, knowing it wouldn’t make a difference. I grabbed her suitcase to carry it downstairs and started wheeling it towards the door. Alex was already waiting, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He looked just as groggy as Emily, but there was a tension in his jaw that told me he hadn’t forgotten our argument. I knew better than to bring it up again.

The car ride to the airport was quiet, filled with the sound of Emily typing away on her phone. She showed me pictures of clubs and bars she wanted to visit in Barcelona, but my mind was elsewhere.

“Do you know anyone in Barcelona?” Emily asked suddenly. “Maybe you could get us into some VIP sections or something?”

“Emily, I’m just a YouTuber. Who the fuck would I know out in Barcelona?”

She pouted slightly, disappointed. “Oh, come on, you must know someone. Doesn’t everyone in LA have some kind of connection?”

“Not really my scene, Em..” I replied, focusing on the road.

We pulled up to the airport, the morning sun just starting to peak over the horizon. I parked the car and helped them with their bags. The airport buzzed with people rushing to catch flights.

I gave Emily a kiss goodbye as Alex walked to check in. “See you in 10 days, don't miss me too much! I love you!” Emily said, looking over her shoulder as she walked toward Alex.

“Have a great time Em, love you too.” I lingered by the entrance, watching them navigate the crowd together. Emily clung to Alex’s arm, talking animatedly about something. Alex seemed more interested in getting their bags through. I felt a strange emptiness in my chest. The argument with Alex, the tension between us, and now this… something had to change. But I wasn’t sure what or how.

I drove back home, the sun now fully up. The roads were clearer, but my mind was anything but. The silence in the car was deafening, and for the first time in a long while, I wished Emily was here with me, chattering away about something meaningless purely to take my mind off everything. My mind was a mess of thoughts, always circling back to Nick and Y/n. I couldn’t get over the fact that Nick had gone to her place last night. Why did she call an Uber for him? Was she avoiding me? I know I hadn’t been in touch with her but It wasn’t intentional, things got so complicated. But maybe that was just an excuse. I was scared.. scared of what might happen if I did see her again.

A notification popped up on my dashboard screen, snapping me out of my thoughts. A message from Nick: “Can you come pick me up from Y/n’s?”

My heart skipped a beat at the sight of her name. I made Siri send a quick response, “On my way!”

The drive to Y/n’s apartment was short, but it felt like forever. My mind raced with questions. Was I going to see her?

When I finally pulled up outside her building, my heart was pounding. I scanned the area, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but there was no sign of her car that's usually parked in the same spot. I parked up, texting Nick to let him know I was outside and waited.

After a few minutes, Nick emerged, smiling as he spotted my car. I couldn’t help the wave of disappointment when I realized Y/n wasn’t with him to show him out. Nick got in, buckling his seatbelt.

“Morning,” he greeted.

“Morning,” I replied. “Where’s Y/n?”

“Oh she went to work hours ago.” Nick explained. “She told me I could stay as long as I wanted when she left, she just put the door on auto lock so it would close properly behind me.”

Nick kept up a steady stream of conversation on the drive home, mostly talking about how nice it was to hang out with Y/n last night. I tried to focus, but my thoughts kept drifting back to her. What if she was mad at me? What if she regretted almost kissing me? Did she even mention me at all? The uncertainty was eating me alive.

Nick must have noticed my silence. “You okay, Matt? You’ve been pretty quiet.”

I forced a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired, I guess, from being up so early..”

Nick didn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t push it. Instead, he leaned back and let the music fill the car, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

By the time we got back to the house, I was exhausted, not just physically, but mentally. The weight of everything that had happened over the past few weeks was hitting me, and I knew I couldn’t keep ignoring it. But right now, all I wanted was to crawl back into bed and shut the world out, even if just for a little while.

Y/n’s POV

The blaring sound of my alarm clock pulled me out of the depths of a short sleep. Nick and I were laughing so much last night that it ended up being very late getting to bed. I groaned, rubbing the exhaustion from my eyes as I rolled out of bed. Today was the last of my early morning shifts at Target, and the thought of returning to a normal schedule next week was the only thing keeping me going. These early shifts had been isolating, to say the least. It felt like everyone else was living their lives in a different time zone, and I was drifting in a space where no one else existed. Even Jess, who used to be my go to for venting about the monotony of day to day life, had been absent. We hadn’t seen or heard from each other since the night of Alex’s fight either. Opposite shifts had kept us apart, and I missed her more than I realized.

By the time my shift ended, I felt drained, not just from the physical exhaustion, but from the emotional toll everything had taken on me. I checked my phone as I walked out of the store, blinking against the harsh daylight. There was a text from Alex. Hesitating for a moment, I finally opened it.

“I’m sorry about last night. I know I’ve been a lot to deal with lately. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not enough because you are. I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get back. I love you.”

Reading his apology didn’t bring the comfort it might have once. Instead, it felt like another weight pressing down on me, making it harder to breathe. I realized, in that moment, that I was done. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. But admitting it to myself and actually going through with ending things with Alex were two very different things. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face that yet. Not now, not with everything else piling up around me.

I typed out a quick response, keeping it brief. “Okay. Have a safe flight. Love you too.”

Moments later, another message from Alex popped up. “Thanks. Can you keep an eye on my email while I’m gone? Still waiting to hear from the board about their decision.”

My heart sank. I completely forgot the internal investigation after the fight had weighed heavily on him, and me by extension. The Bruins management had mentioned the possibility of a suspension or even stripping away his captaincy, a prospect that had left him in a state of constant anxiety. I’d been there for him through it all, yet it seemed like no matter what I did, it was never enough to pull him out of his own head.

When I finally got home, the only thing I wanted was to collapse into bed. The thought of facing the day was too much to bear, and I let myself fall into the comfort of my blankets. The weight of the last few weeks pressed down on me until I drifted into a fitful sleep.

When I woke up, it was dark outside. I felt disoriented, my mind still tangled in the remnants of dreams I couldn’t remember. The apartment was silent, and the loneliness hit me harder than I expected. I’d grown used to having someone around, even if that someone was Alex, with all his faults and shortcomings. But last night, when Nick had stayed over, it had been different. There was something comforting about his presence, something that made the emptiness feel less suffocating.

But it made me realise how much I missed Matt. The way he’d disappeared from my life so suddenly had left a void that no one else could fill. Even having Nick around hadn’t been enough to keep me from thinking about Matt. The connection we’d shared, brief as it was, had been real. I could still feel the electricity from that almost kiss, the tension that had hung between us like a charged wire.

In a moment of weakness, I found myself reaching for my phone. I wondered what Matt was doing right now. Did he ever think about me? Did he miss me as much as I missed him? My thumb hovered over the Youtube search bar, a reckless idea forming in my mind.

The Sturniolo Triplets.

It didn’t take long to find their YouTube channel. My heart raced as I clicked on the first video that caught my eye, the familiar sound of Matt’s voice filling the room. As the video played, I felt a strange sense of comfort wash over me. This was probably the closest I’d get to him again, watching him through a screen, pretending he was still a part of my life.

But as much as I tried to lose myself in the videos, the loneliness crept back in. The emptiness that Matt’s absence had left was still there, refusing to be ignored. Just as I was about to close the app, my phone buzzed with a new message.

Nick 💜:  “Want to hit Topgolf in a bit? One of our friends from Boston is here. We can pick you up on the way.”

We? who was we?

a/n: okay kind of a filler chapter buuuuut maybe just maybe a certain two people reunite in the next chapter

taglist : @muwapsturniolo @anitahunt @sturnfannn @jayde510 @chrissfavhoe @babyalliah-777 @v33angel @urmom69lol @willowrites @ribread03 @2muchofaslvt @sturnsaver @sleepysturniolo @jcsturniolo11 @jessie-essie @hoeforchrizz @mynbbys @sturniolopanini @mattsturnxoxo @delicatechrry @t77te @sturnsyaper69 @hotdismylife @maggot3647 @ivysturnss @noplaceissafeanymore @mattssgf @yourfavsturniologirl @maethem0nth @sillyponygrl @mattyblover07 @imjusthereforthesturniolosmut @dominicfikeenthusiast @mattsfavbigtitties @ncm9696

[through-blue-eyes]

3.7.2024

I opened up my Facebook app intentionally, instead of the usual absentminded habit - my best friend since childhood had shared a post and it was for moments like this that I kept my Facebook active. For keeping up with her, and the people I care about. I'm the silent facebooker these days, I may share things but I haven't made a real post there in a while. It doesn't feel like a safe space anymore - anything you say can and will be used against you at a future date.  But I digress...

Confidence Cat was the post - a little Sunday mental health boost ❤️I checked my notifications and my memories popped up this photo. It spurred a tsunami wave of mixed emotions - defensive, tense, hurt, ashamed, guilty uncomfortable, alone and also freedom.

2019- 4, almost 5 now, years ago. I was living in a cheap motel with weekly rates - you can presume from that the type of crowd it drew, but for me, it was all I could afford, to keep a roof over my head. It was a in-between move. Although, I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t afraid I would be stuck there, and not make it out. I’d also be lying if I said I felt safe there, even though I wasn’t alone.

I was 7 months into working for this new company that opened up a couple restaurants in my area. I started at their BBQ place in April - with the intention of moving to the new steakhouse once it was ready to open. It opened beginning of July - I was making a 45 minute commute and I was sure that my car was going to crap out on me, so I made the call (with my boyfriend) to check into this motel, which was about 20 -25 blocks from work. The last week of July - my transmission went out, and fixing it was not an option. So I walked to work.

I was on evenings then, well, if you can call it evenings. I was salaried for  55 hours a week - I would leave my hotel room about 45 minutes before my shift started, giving myself plenty of time to walk to work, and rest for a few minutes before working my 10-11 hours as a sous. After the shift, which was grueling kitchen work, came the long, usually cold, walk home. Shower, sleep, repeat. I did this for three months. and that third month, October - I thought it was going to kill me. My legs and feet would swell and be so sore, so painful. I would lie awake for hours with my legs propped up once I got home, trying to get some relief so I could sleep. My days off were split at the time, and I think that's the only way I made it. I would work 2-3 days and then have a day off,  pretty much entirely spent in my bed, resting my legs/feet - and then go back for another 2-3 days.

I kept it a secret for as long as I could – I was ashamed, here I was, a few months from 26 – living in a known drug motel where the cops were called at least once a week - with no car, an unemployed boyfriend, and my 75lb reactive dog who didn’t have the space she needed. I was washing my uniform in the bathtub every night after I showered, and hanging it up above the AC/Heat unit so the air would have it dry by morning. Ontop of the swelling and pain in my legs, the weather was getting colder. Walking to work wasn’t so bad – it was actually perfect weather usually, but the walks home, after dark, and often raining, that’s when I could no longer keep it a secret.

I had a close work relationship with my boss - he was my work husband – and once he figured out my situation and what I was doing, he took it upon himself to talk to his bosses, the owners of the restaurant about my car situation, me walking. They told me to start looking for a used car (face book marketplace) and they would buy it, and then hold out $100 from each of my paychecks until it was paid off. In the meantime, the owners arranged for me to always have a ride home from work – the first night my boss gave me a ride home, once he saw the motel I was at, he didn’t want to leave – he didn’t feel as if I was safe there, even though I had my boyfriend and dog.

It was a blessing at the time, I felt humbled, and (I didn't realize at the time how much this would set me up for toxicity) I felt like I owed them a debt. Because they bought me this car. Within a month after getting the car, I was promoted to Chef – my boss had a health issue & personal choices that resulted in him taking FMLA, and not coming back. The pay increase allowed me to move out of that motel, into an apartment about 10 minutes from work. At the time I remember feeling so relieved. Grateful. Loyal. Empowered, as if life was finally in my favor. As if I was finally aligned with my purpose. The hard part must be over now. It actually, was the farthest thing from.

 Many things happened while I was employed with that company, I might turn it into a  multi-post series one day - not all of them good. But in the same breath, that job set me up to eventually break free from the toxic and abusive (emotionally, mentally) relationship I had with my (then) boyfriend, of 5 years - spoiler, I was with him for 2 more before finally leaving him. Everything had to crumble, fall, break, be rebuilt and then destroyed again before I finally broke free of those cycles.

I have truly come a long way – in the same breath though I’ve been stuck, because I don’t know what to do next. I don’t really know how to live a free life – I find myself disassociating a lot. Escaping. The life I have now doesn’t always feel safe – because the first 28 years of my life was filled with so much trauma. So many toxic relationships – family & romantic, and my own toxic behavior that I have to unlearn.

One thing I do know though. I know I want to write. I know I want to share my story, my voice. After so many years of being silenced. Imposter syndrome is a real bitch though – so I will continue cultivating this safe place. My small corner of the web where my story, thoughts, opinions will be told, unfiltered, and raw.