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ethereousdelirious · 4 years ago

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Hey. I was wondering if you'd take a prompt. If so, I've got what I think is a pretty good one. Maybe TMA? "A is sick. B somehow doesn't notice, whatever the reason-swamped with work, out of town, clueless, or just plain busy. Then A collapses. And B is there." thank you

This one just SCREAMED JonMartin, so here it is. Pre-canon, pre-slash.

I don’t know anything about British work culture or working in an archive and I think that’s very sexy of me

Jon huffed in irritation and looked at the box of files on his desk. It had taken hours to organize their contents, and he still had yet to decipher Gertrude's esoteric filing system. Though he despised relying on others, sorting and re-organizing everything in a timely manner all by himself was simply not possible, so he had begrudgingly delegated some tasks to his… assistants.

He wasn't used to having seniority over his peers, and the concept was still strange and uncomfortable in his mind. Of his assistants, only one had yet to check in with him for the day.

With a heavy, annoyed sigh, Jonathan stood and went to go track him down. It would be Martin; talkative, saccharine Martin. He never could just put his head down and get to work, no, he had to ask about your weekend and if you'd gotten your washing machine fixed yet, and oh, by the way, have you been to that new Thai restaurant?

Jonathan ducked into the open-plan office that had mostly deconstructed so the desks could be pushed together to form a large table. Every available surface was covered in letterhead, files, and boxes crudely marked up with Sharpie.

Among the piles sat Sasha, alone and hard at work. She glanced up. "Hi, Jon!"

Jonathan looked around, momentarily distracted. "Where's Tim?" The two were usually inseparable.

"On his break."

"Where's Martin?"

Sasha frowned thoughtfully. "I don't actually know. He must have snuck off somewhere. He's been awfully quiet today."

"Martin's been quiet?" Jonathan chuckled. "Is he okay?"

To his surprise, Sasha didn't engage. "To be honest, I'm not sure."

"What, really?"

"Well, to be honest," Sasha said, "I kind of thought he might be with you."

"Me?" Jonathan asked. "What would I have to do with him?"

Sasha just shrugged. "Do you need him for something?"

"I have him a box to sort through three days ago and I haven't heard back yet."

"Why don't you send him an email?"

Jon gave Sasha a withering look. "Nobody checks their email around here."

Unperturbed, Sasha laughed. "Kidding. Well, I'll keep an eye out for Martin and tell him to come to you if I see him."

"Thank you." Jonathan turned to leave, thinking hard.

His first impulse was to check the break room to see if Martin and Tim were slacking off together, but impulse instead drove him to check the empty office that currently housed a supply of extra boxes and old computer monitors.

To Jonathan's surprise (if not slight vindication), Martin actually was in the office. The lights were off and he was seated at the crowded desk with a statement on letterhead paper before him and his head in his hands.

Jonathan opened the door and stepped inside without fanfare. "Martin."

Martin didn't stir upon hearing the door open, but the sound of Jon's voice was enough to make him lift his head. "Hi, Jon," he said softly. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"Yes," Jon said, flat and irritated. "How about the assignment I gave you three days ago?"

"Oh, those?" Martin scrunched up his brow, thinking.

Impatient, Jonathan crossed his arms and shifted his weight into his right foot. Martin was especially slow on the uptake today, for whatever reason, although he'd somehow managed to find the time and energy to make a cup of tea. Of course. Perfect priorities, that man.

"The files," Jonathan prompted, as Martin had trailed off. "Don't tell me you lost them."

"No, no." Martin rubbed his temple, baring his teeth for just a moment. "Sorry, um."

"Take your time," Jonathan said in a voice of acid, "Really, I haven't got anything better to do."

"The box is under my desk," Martin said. Finally. "Well, not my desk. You know, where I sit--"

"Yes, Martin, I know what you meant." Martin nodded shortly, but said nothing. He didn't look nearly as flustered as he should have, only sort of sleepy and bored.

Jonathan surveyed him with disapproval that stopped just short of contempt. "And you're finished?"

"What?" Martin started slightly.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "With the filing."

"Oh. Um, well, no, not exactly, but I--"

"Of course you're not." Jonathan turned on his heel and started to walk away as Martin continued to protest and stammer out excused behind him.

"Jon, wait."

Jonathan paused and turned around. Now Martin looked upset. He placed both hands flat on the desk and hauled himself heavily to his feet like gravity had doubled on him.

Martin continued, "I w-wanred to talk to you…" He swayed and caught himself on the wall. "Oh," he murmured, his eyes half-lidded.

"Martin?" Jonathan started to walk towards him, irritation forgotten. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm…" Martin whispered. His head was down, but what little of his face Jonathan could see was white as a sheet. His knees buckled. Jonathan cried out useless and watched, powerless, as Martin hit the floor.

"Oh, shit." Guilt sat heavy in his chest. Jonathan rushed forward and knelt by Martin's side. Now that he was closer, Jonathan could see the beads of sweat on the back of Martin's neck, the oversaturated flush of his cheeks. "Martin?" At least he was still breathing, that was good. He didn't appear to be bleeding either. Beyond that, Jonathan wasn't sure what to do. Should he get help? Stay in case Martin woke up disoriented?

"Jon?" Martin said softly.

"Oh, thank god." Jon sighed. "Are you okay?"

"What happened?" Martin seemed to realize he was on the floor and his eyes widened. "Did I faint?" He tried to sit up, but Jon stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't think you should sit up just yet. You look like you have a fever."

"I'm okay, Jon." Martin sat up slowly and pressed his back against the wall. "Really, I'm okay."

Jonathan glared at him. "You just fainted. Most people wouldn't call that 'okay'."

"Obviously I've been better," Martin said, sounding almost irritated. "But I'm not dying or anything. I thought I might've been coming down with something, but it wasn't so bad this morning." At Jonathan's raised eyebrows, he continued, "My throat is a little sore, so I haven't, um, had much to eat or drink today. Sorry."

Jon's knees ached from their prolonged contact with the floor. "Stay there."

As fast as he could, he got a glass of water and brought it back to Martin, who was still sitting just as Jon had left him.

"You're going to drink this," Jonathan said, "and then you're going straight home."

Martin accepted the glass with shaking hands. "I'm really sorry, Jon. I should have stayed home."

For once, Jon reissued the urge to say something snide and mean-spirited. "You couldn't have known." His next words caught in his throat, but he forced them out as well as he could, "And I'm s-- I should 't have been so hard on you."

"It's okay, Jon, really." Martin smiled sadly and drank down the content of the glass.

"Here, let me help you up." Jonathan extended a hand, which Martin took. He rose slowly, cautiously, and braced himself against the wall. Despite his continued insistence that he was fine, Jon could see that he was shaky on his feet and a new sheen of sweat had broken out on his brow.

"You're sure you can make it home?" Jonathan asked, considering the alternatives. "I can have Tim go with you."

Martin looked at him with an indecipherable expression. "No, I'll be okay. I'll text you if I can't make it in tomorrow."

"Don't even think about coming in tomorrow," Jonathan said.

"Alright." They went quiet for a moment, but neither of them moved. Martin took a breath.

"Don't apologize," Jonathan said.

"Okay, sor-- Um." Martin paused. "Thank you. For making sure I was okay."

"Well, of course; I wasn't just going to leave you there on the floor."

"I know. But still. Thank you."

"Well, you're welcome, I suppose." Jonathan licked his lips, feeling unusually flustered. "Now go home, Martin."

"Alright." Martin turned to leave. Just before he got out of earshot, he turned and said, "I am sorry, though." Then he was gone.

Jonathan just shook his head and went back to his office. He had work to do.

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imagine-organization-xiii · 5 years ago

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How loud are they in bed (and what it sounds like) ?

It’s been a while since I did a NSFW one so enjoy!

also tag yourself, i’m axel

oOoOoOo

Xigbar - loudest organization member by far; groans and moans and talks and yells and he isn’t ashamed in the slightest. Gets a little bashful if someone other than his partner hears him, but in the moment he really couldn’t give a shit. He used to care about it a lot more when he was younger, but he’s gotten over it pretty quickly. He’s having a good time and that’s what matters, so who gives a shit how many noises he makes?

Marluxia - could either be super damn loud or quiet. It just depends on whether or not he’s topping or bottoming! On top, you can probably bring a few moans and heavy breaths out of him, maybe a couple of words muffled by the skin of your neck, but when he’s on the bottom? He can’t keep his mouth shut. Babbles a lot when he’s bottoming and he also gives out a few magnificent whines that send a chill up your spine

Demyx - younger and has more energy, so the more rounds you go, the louder he gets. He starts off pretty determined to keep his mouth shut because he doesn’t want to embarrass himself, but by the end he just has seriously lost the ability to care.

Axel - this boy never shuts up during sex no matter how much you try to distract him. And it’s like… weird? He’s normal for the most part, just saying how much he loves you and how nice you feel and it’d be fine if it ended at him whispering dirty things into your ear, but it kind of ruins the moment when he’s going down on you and suddenly looks up and says, “hey remind me to get some milk later, I just remembered that I drank the last of it”

Vexen - is almost like Axel in the sense that sometimes his thoughts wander when the two of you are having sex, but you know him well enough to know exactly how to put him back in the present moment. When he lets himself go, he isn’t loud, but he does mutter a lot. Sometimes will cover his mouth with his hand to muffle the sounds

Luxord - luxord is that kind of person where the more he drinks, the louder he gets. Like let’s say there was a party with the org members and they all happen to be drinking, you can guarantee that he’ll probably shake the walls with the noises coming out of his mouth that night. Otherwise, he’s fairly quiet except for a small noise here and there

Xaldin - you can get some pretty spectacular grunts and groans out of this man, but when you give him a blowjob??? He goes absolutely insane. Groans that are pressed into your skin and shortened behind clenched teeth turn into loud, open-mouthed moans as he winds a hand through your hair and watches you

Larxene - larxene tries not to get loud but there are always a few sounds that burst through her lips, mostly curses as she manhandles you and tosses you back into the sheets. Larxene has a mouth on her - the kind of mouth that would get her quite a few dirty looks if she ever spoke like that in public.

Saix - fairly quiet during sex but gets louder when he gets closer to his orgasm. His whole body tenses up and he gives a loud shudder, which is accompanied by loud, ragged breaths that pierce the darkness in your bedroom. It sounds like he’s run a marathon, but knowing that he’s so wrecked by being with you is definitely a plus

Zexion - this poor boy. This sweetheart. Tries his hardest to keep his mouth shut by biting a pillow, nipping your skin, biting his lip so hard that he makes himself bleed because he is so embarrassed by the sounds he makes when he’s in bed with you. They’re high pitched whines, almost squeaks, that are just the most adorable little noises. Sadly, you can usually only hear them when you happen to catch him by surprise.

Xemnas - hot, loud breaths in your ear is about as much as you’re going to get when having sex with Xemnas, though you aren’t sure if that’s because he’s just quiet or if he’s doing his best to keep his mouth shut in your presence.

Lexaeus - silent and stoic through sex. So quiet that you’re always worried that he isn’t having a good time, but the redness of his face and clench in the muscles in his back tell you that he’s enjoying this just as much as you are. At most, you might get a small grunt or two when he finishes, but that’s about it

#lemons #organization xiii headcanons #kingdom hearts headcanon #vegelilix

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crystalconjunx · 5 years ago

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Can I request tfa blitzwing with female human s/o nsfw

You weren't entirely sure when your relationship with the triple-changer changed. You just knew that it had.

You were but a humble mechanic taken hostage with a few of your fellow Detroiters when you managed to strike up a conversation with one of your beleaguered kidnappers: a large german-accented Decepticon with three different faces who went by the name Blitzwing. The monocled blue face refused to look at you and the angry red one shouted insults at you, but the jack-o-lantern-esque one that called itself "Random" seemed more than happy to chat. At least, until help arrived and the autobots promptly saved the day.

You thought that was that until, one day, the same large three-faced mech plummeted into your backyard and just barely missed destroying your workshop.

He seemed injured, but the blue face with the monocle still pointedly ignored you even as he nursed an injured leg. Not knowing how to help, but not wanting to just leave the mech injured like that, you offered him some oil. That's what these guys drank, right?

Without a word of thanks, he picked the barrel up and cracked the top like a can of soda before chugging the whole thing down.

Then he transformed right in front of you. You found the way his parts moved absolutely mesmerizing. It was a perfect shifting of gears and plates almost too quick for human eyes to follow.

Before you knew it, he had launched back into the air and flew away towards the city.

Ever since then, the jet-slash-tank-slash-giant robot had made himself plenty comfortable with crashing your workshop whenever he pleased and helping himself to whatever oil or gas you had lying around. Then he'd get familiar with the stack of cars he'd made into a couch and watch television while you worked on whatever car you had in the shop while simultaneously insulting, mocking,

At least he actually spoke to you now.

"You puny humans can't even make good oil," Hothead complained over the offending barrel in his large hand. "It always tastes like dirt and dinosaur bones!"

"Well, what's it supposed to taste like?" You ask.

"Like energon! The way it's supposed to!"

"And what does energon taste like?"

"Like energon, obviously!"

"Wait, so there's nothing on Earth to compare it to?" You question.

"Not even close! It's awful."

Damn human biology. Space goop poisoning was probably only a small price to pay to be the first person on Earth to try an alien substance. "Damn, wish I could try it then. Well, try it and live to tell the tale."

"I do have some." Icy said calmly.

They were the first words he'd spoken to you at all.

"Not enough for my tanks," he continued boredly, "but it would likely be more than you could drink."

"Really? What do you think would happen if I drank it?" You asked.

"Only one way to find out!" Random's still transforming face laughed gleefully before pulling a purple cube out of his subspace. It was laughably small in his hands, but it was about the size of a mail package in yours. It was full of bright, pink-purplish liquid and was surprisingly light.

"Wait, wait, isn't this stuff, like, super rare?" You ask as you accepted the cube. "I thought that was the reason you left your homeworld."

"Only a teensy part of it." Random giggled. "The rest is unimportant. It's really, really, super rare, though, so don't drop it!"

"And you're… just going to give it to me?" You asked in awe. "Are you sure?"

How could Blitzwing just offer you something so rare. You half-expected the mech to kill you at any given time. Now he was just giving you what could very well be a priceless alien energy source?

"Well, do you want it or not?" Hothead demanded. "Like I said, it's barely half a tank for me. At least if I give it to you I might see a human— I don't know. What do you guys do when you die? Pop or something?"

"Ooh!" Random interjected. "I love it when they pop! Come on, Y/N, down the hatch! Let's see what other colors you organics have!"

That was the first time any of the personalities had said your name. So Blitzwing did remember all those times you told him you weren't just called 'human,' the lying bastard.

"Well…" The bright pink liquid certainly looked palatable enough. Maybe just a little taste wouldn't kill you?

You lifted the cube up and gave it a small sniff. It didn't smell toxic, at least.

"Ugh, don't be such a coward, human!" Hothead complained. Ah, you lamented, there went the first-name basis. You heard rather than saw his face transform again before Random petulantly nudged the drink with his finger— it was a move too weak to send you onto your ass, but more than enough to make you jolt and spill half the cube of energon all over yourself.

"Look what you did, you waste of space!" Hothead roared. "I told you that energon was rare and you spill half of it on yourself like a newspark!"

You sputtered as the pinkish liquid seeped into your clothes and soaked every inch of your skin and set the rest of the cube down before turning to scowl up at the giant mech. "Me? You're the one that poked it! You almost knocked me over!"

"It's not my fault you're so weak, Y/N!" He mocked before Icy took over.

The cool jet leaned down to the ground, his optics peering at you as if he could see right through you. Even his breath carried a slight chill as he spoke this close to you.

"That was quite the waste, Schatz, but I have an idea of how you can make it up to me."

"Y-yeah?" You said as you could feel the cold against your wet skin, "And what's that?

You were suddenly in the hands of a very large, powerful robot and much, much further off the ground than you would have liked.

"I'll just clean it off you! Two birds, one tongue!" Random sang, already lifting his claws to cut away the stained clothes from your body.

You hadn't seen his tongue before, but now you couldn't figure out how you didn't notice it. It was long and prehensile, thin at the tip and thicker towards the base as it snaked out of his mouth and onto the skin of your thigh.

"Well, schatz?" Random offered with a salacious wink. "What do you say?"

You'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't find the mech attractive. Sure, he was crazy, and dangerous, and a total jerk sometimes, but you couldn't shake the feeling that he was somehow different from the rest of the Decepticons. You'd hoped his persistent presence was a sign that he tolerated you, even if only a bit.

What could it hurt?

"Alright," you agreed. "Just, uh, be careful, please, Blitzy"

"Y/n! You wound me!" Random said sadly before he suddenly shifted your legs ever so slightly apart with a single thumb. "Don't worry, schatz. You'll make it up to me." He promised.

You didn't have time to question that sentence as his tongue was suddenly licking a wet stripe up your the sides of your hip from your torso.

"Ah," Icy said. "I missed the taste of energon." His tongue was cold as it trailed up your abdomen, swirling across a wide smear of energon on your chest while you squealed at the sudden chill to your warm skin.

"Stop moving or I'll drop you!" Hothead commanded. His warm tongue wrapped down across your thighs.

The tongue has you licked clean in a matter of moments.

Blitzwing appears no worse for wear as he smiles down at you.

You, meanwhile, are a mess. You're panting in his hands, feeling like you're about to fall apart under his unblinking optics.

"Uh-oh," Random frowns in that sing-song voice of his. "Looks like I missed a spot!"

He reaches down, grabs the container, and pours the cool liquid across your hips. It slips between your thighs, flows into your spread-open pussy and runs freely down his palm.

Random's tongue immediately laps at your slit, humming in pleasure at the taste of the energon as he slides it further inside you. He flicks his tongue up and down inside you, feeling for sensitive spots as he buries his face in your thighs. He lets the thin edge tangle and untangle against your walls. Then he just lightly glances against that spot, the one that makes you cry out in pleasure and squeeze around him and he attacks it without mercy. He holds you open effortlessly as he tongue-fucks you into his hand. You think you're begging, but you can't tell. You can't hear anything as you focus on the unrelenting pleasure against your g-spot.

And then you're cumming onto his tongue with a muffled cry, ineffectually pushing at his head as he pulls out to lap at your sensitive clit.

He takes much longer cleaning you up the second around.

#valveplug #tfa blitzwing #blitzwing/reader #reader insert #human!reader #this approached vore with alarming speeds and that was NOT my intention lmao #here be bussy fellas

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streamacademe · 5 years ago

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Week 106, Day 735.

My trip to Scotland was a success and I managed to collect some samples! But, I don’t want to talk about that this week. As my 3rd year has officially commenced, I would instead like to dedicate this post to lessons I’ve learned as a 2nd year PhD student and reiterate over my coping strategies. So, without further ado... 10 lessons I learned as a 2nd year PhD student:

Be prepared to face some dark times with your mental health - I won’t lie to you, it can, and probably will get pretty ugly. At times it will feel like the entire world is on your shoulders and you can’t breathe. I have had countless mental breakdowns this year, which usually involve bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, before passing out from the exhaustion of it all, then coming around and crying again. Not fun. I have also suffered from insomnia, and, on the flip side, have had many days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I have included some coping strategies for set backs with mental health at the end of this post.

It will get hard and you’re going to want to quit - I’m sorry to be a bit of a downer, but it’s the truth. For me, giving up is not an option, but even I have had days where I’ve wanted to quit. It’s probably in the terms and conditions of a PhD to feel like this sometimes, but no one ever reads those. How you keep the love for your project glowing is for you to figure out. I always think of the finish line and of how far I’ve come. Or neck a glass of wine, that also helps...

Find a balance between feeling terrified and apathetic, and stupid and self-assured - PhD’s are terrifying, which I appreciate can be exhausting and can lead to feeling apathetic. However, apathy is both a blessing and a curse. It may make you feel calmer and more able, but it sure as hell won’t motivate you to try harder and do better. The same applies for feeling self-assured; yes, you’re clearly a clever bean for getting this far and you should acknowledge and celebrate that, but feeling stupid pushes us to seek knowledge, which is what science is all about.

Focus on genuine priorities - Procrastination/dedicating your time to non-essential tasks are your no.1 enemies. PhD’s are extremely unpredictable and you have to try and be ahead of the game or you risk falling too far behind. So make sure you know exactly what your priorities are and treat them as such.

To do lists and GANTT charts are life savers - On your worst days, refer to these to reorient yourself and stay on track. Make sure they’re always up to date, kept neat, and, most importantly, realistic.

Self-care is critical - And no, I don’t just mean bubble baths with scented candles every night, although those are definitely helpful. Self-care is looking after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Pushing yourself too hard can end really badly. Use me as an example, I pushed myself too hard physically and damaged my spine, which resulted in me taking a week off work. I won’t even mention the amount of mental health set backs I’ve had. So, do whatever it is that allows you to rest your bones, de-frazzles your mind, makes you happy, helps you feel better, and makes you feel like you can keep going.

You have to learn to say ‘no’ - This will probably be something you’re not used to or are comfortable doing, but I have learned from personal experience that this is literally the most important thing when it comes to looking after yourself and avoiding burnout.

Your personal growth is impossible to ignore - Who you are when you start your PhD is definitely not the person you will be at the end. You never stop learning and developing in a PhD, but like, at an accelerated rate. I find it fascinating looking back at my progress reports; something that may have felt impossible 6 months ago is now the norm.

Rely on your supervisors for help - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. You DO NOT have to do everything alone. Ask questions, talk to them about your problems, seek their advice. And if they make you feel inferior, uncomfortable, stupid, or make themselves unavailable to you, contact your student support office/r, because a supervisor should NEVER do that. Furthermore, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions and stand your ground with your superiors, they are only human, just like you, and if you feel like they are misguiding or misunderstanding you, tell them. This is your PhD, not anybody else’s.

Remember that your PhD is your work not your life - As hard as that may be. That is all.

My ways of coping with the challenges of doing a PhD:

Spend time with animals and in nature - Honestly, if I had to choose just one bit of advice, it’d be this. Animals are the definition of joy, and being in nature always reminds me how beautiful the world can be, irrespective of how dark and rubbish mine may feel at times.

Sleep - Getting enough sleep makes my anxiety more manageable, my mood better, and means I have more energy to deal with what life has to throw at me. Don’t listen to how much sleep you “should” have, instead listen to your body and work with it. Personally, I aim for at least 8 hours a night.

Minimalism - I have mentioned minimalism many times on my blog. The benefits of this lifestyle are countless. With respect to my PhD, living with less allows me to have more room to breathe and think. It also means I spend more time on experiences instead of material things. Minimalism also allows me to live intentionally and aligns with my personal values. This in return means that I am more at peace with the life I lead outside of my PhD.

Save money - Not only do savings mean a sense of security, but having money set aside can be really helpful if you are in need of a getaway or simply want to treat yourself without getting into debt. Furthermore, as there is no guarantee of a job straight after your PhD, or if your funding runs out before you finish, it is essential to have some savings as a safety net to fall on if need be.

Read - I use books as a form of escape from reality, typically reading either before bed or in the morning before work. It helps take my mind off the stresses that clutter my brain.

Exercise, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water - I know you’ve heard it all before, but here it is again. It works.

Red Bull (as a last resort) - There are many things in life that have impacted my ability to focus this year, including long drives, bad news, sleepless nights, and mental health issues. However, life doesn’t stop when you want to and so when I’m really struggling I turn to Red Bull for help, and it really does help me. (I don’t drink coffee and tea doesn’t cut it). I always ensure not to drink more than one can a day or drink alcohol within the same 24 hours that I’ve drank Red Bull in.

How I try��to cope with mental health set backs: Disclaimer: ‘Try’ is a critical word here as it is not always easy or straightforward to do the below, and, sadly, sometimes none of these suggestions work.

Talk about it - I HATE talking about my mental health issues to people as I don’t want to burden my friends, upset my family, or appear weak at work. However, there are times where I’ve had to, and it’s helped. I mainly talk to my boyfriend about it, but should probably see a therapist. Hey ho, small steps. If you really can’t talk about it, write about it, either publicly or privately.

Perspective - I have been watching a show called ‘New Amsterdam’ recently, which has really helped me see how insignificant some of my problems are. That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel like crap just because you’re not having open heart surgery, of course you are, but trying to do things that change your perspective can be very helpful in coming out of a mental health episode. Geddit?

Give back - There is always someone having a worse time than you and nothing helps to snap you out of your pity party like lending a helping hand. Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, running a marathon for charity, or simply donating what you can to a cause you believe in. Give back.

Headspace - I’m sure you’ve heard of this app/website, if not, here it is. Personally, I don’t like Andy Puddicombes voice, or listening to a human in general, so I don’t use the platform for meditation, but they do have a great range of sleepcasts and sounds, which I use to combat my insomnia.

Calming medication (natural) - I use an essential oil aromatherapy roller ball to help me overcome an anxious episode or get me off to sleep. Personally, I use Tisserand for these. I also use Rescue Remedy drops for the same reason (these contain alcohol so aren’t for everyone).

Get the F off of social media for a while - Honestly, your phone isn’t an essential organ, take a break from it, see what wonders it can do for you.

Cut out toxic/negative people - Fill your life with wholesome people, get rid of anyone that makes your recovery impossible, or your life difficult. Be as harsh as you need to be, cry about it, drink about it, but do it, and don’t go back. Here’s a great song to support you through this.

That is all folks. It took me all day to write this, so I hope it’s at least somewhat helpful. ❤ Peace.

Photo: A photo of a sunset that made me feel better after an especially difficult day. Source: My camera.

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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years ago

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What would you call your body type? Stick thin? *shrug*

Are you a morning person? Nooo, I sleep in late. I’m still crabby regardless of when I get up; though, and still feel tired and unrested and in serious need of coffee.

Have you ever been to Target? Countless times. I love Target.

Do you like iced tea? Sure. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had any, though.

When is the next time you’ll be at work? I don’t have a job.

Do you have a savings account? No.

Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes.

What color bedsheets are currently on your bed? They’re like an off white color.

Have you ever been to Disney World? If so, how many times have you been? Nope. I’ve been to Disneyland several times, though.

Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? It absolutely does.

Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? I’m not the best wrapper ever, but I do enjoy doing it.

Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes.

What would you say is your favorite television show? I have several.

Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? My family’s big holiday dinners got a lot smaller over the years, sadly. Now it’s just my parents, brother, and I. I love that, too, but I miss when more of my family was able to get together. Is your vision good? With my glasses on, yeah. ha.

Is there any piece of jewelry you’re constantly wearing? Nope.

What is one thing you desire as of now? To be able to fast forward through summer and also get back to some normalcy. I know things will be different now, but it’d be nice to get to a place where we didn’t have the fear of catching a highly contagious virus looming over our heads. Will it ever get to that point?

What kind of phone do you have? An iPhone XR.

If you could move anywhere, where would you choose? Somewhere with cooler weather year round. A place where you experience actual autumns and winters and not long, miserable summers.

Do you blog a lot, if at all? This is my blog.

Is your present hair color, natural? No.

What makes you the most angry when it comes to people? There’s a few things that come to mind, but I don’t want to get into that.

Describe your current outfit? Black leggings and a black shirt. My usual attire.

What was the last thing you ordered online? A couple of shirts for my mom and I. I want to order some of Bath & Body Works’ beachy scented hand soaps and body sprays as well. At least I can smell like the beach since I can’t go to one. :(

Have you ever felt as though you were drifting apart from a best friend? Yeah, and I did.

What color are your eyes? Brown.

Have you ever worn color contacts? Nope. I haven’t worn any contacts, just the idea of putting them in my eye and taking them out freaks me out.

What’s the best thing about a hug? They can be nice and comforting. They can also be awkward. It just depends.

Biggest fear? Losing my loved ones, death, never getting better/getting worse, never doing anything with my life....

If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? I’m single.

Do you know any genuinely friendly people? Yes.

Do you buy your friends gifts? I bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. What was the last thing you plugged in? My phone to the charger.

How old are you? 30.

What color headphones do you own? They’re black.

Have you ever shopped on Urban Outfitters? Yeah, just a couple of times. They’re way overpriced.

Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? BoxLunch, Hot Topic, and Kohl’s.

Would you rather wear necklaces or earrings? Earrings.

Do you consider yourself fortunate? I am in some ways.

Do you enjoy watching fights? Nooo.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? No.

Do you tend to talk badly about people? If I do it’s usually about people that have done stupid or ridiculous things that I hear or read about in the news.

Where are your parents as of now? They’re in bed asleep.

Does your computer cooperate most of the time? Yeah, I haven’t had any problems. It’s only about 3 years old.

Does your family have any cheesy traditions? Sure, but I love ‘em.

When did you last go to a book store? Sometime last year.

What’s the closest book store where you live? Barnes & Noble. How much money do you have on you right now? None.

Favorite personal feature? I like my hair sometimes like after it’s been recently colored and styled.

Are you wearing make up at the moment? Nope.

Favorite television channel? MTV, E!, The Hallmark Channel, ID.

Describe any piercings or tattoos you might have? I just have my earlobes pierced. No tattoos.

Have you ever been fired from a job? I’ve never had a job.

Are you currently losing a best friend? No.

Describe the worst day of your life: Let’s not.

Do you play any video games? Yeah. Currently, I’ve been super into Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

Would you say you hate anyone? Apart from myself, no.

Do you think freckles are cute? Sure.

Last time you went to the mall? Back in early February.

Name something that’s your favorite color: One of my favorite colors is rose gold and I have a really soft throw blanket that I love in that color.

Have you been to Red Lobster before? Yeah, several times. Haven’t been there in years, though. I’m not a seafood fan at all, but they had a delicious creamy cajun pasta.

Do you judge by appearances? >> Judge what, exactly? There is some information I process through appearance, yeah – like, I assume that a person wearing a Behemoth t-shirt and black jeans with a chain wallet is probably a metalhead. Or that a person with impeccable hair and nails and makeup is probably really fussy about their appearance. The thing is, these are still things that I could possibly be wrong about, but it’d be harmless. <<<

Do you follow a certain religion? Yes, Christianity.

Who is your role model, if you had to choose? My mom.

Would you rather have nice hair or lips? Hair.

What are you most self conscious about? A lot of things.

Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yeah.

Do you consider yourself short? Yes.

What room are you in? Mine.

Hoodies or jackets? Hoodies.

Are you outside a lot? Ha, no. I’ve been a hermit crab years before the quarantine/lockdown this year, but that definitely has made it worse.

Have you ever been dumped via text message? Yes.

Do you like dreamcatchers? They’re pretty to look at, but I don’t believe they do anything.

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? I don’t have one.

Do you hate repetitive people and things? >> Er… like, not as a rule, I guess. But there are some repetitive things I hate, like certain sounds. <<< Yeah, same. And my life is also very repetitive.

Do you think autocorrect is a blessing or curse? It can helpful and annoying at times.

Do you believe in any particular curses? No.

Ever play a Ouija board? No. I don’t mess with stuff like that.

What movie scares you the most? There really isn’t one anymore. I love horror films. Some do still creep me out, but there isn’t one that has messed me up or anything. There’s no lasting effect after I watch them.

What was your bedtime as a child? Probably like 8 and then probably 9 and 10 as I got older.

Reason why your favorite holiday is your favorite: I just love Christmastime.

Do you work with any close friends? I don’t have a job.

Do you consider yourself spoiled? You could say that. I hate that word, though. I feel it has such a negative connotation to it, like a spoiled brat. I was never Veruca Salt or something. My parents didn’t give me whatever wanted, but they always made sure I had what I needed and went above and beyond when they could. My brother and I were good kids and they rewarded us with nice things. I’m very fortunate that they still provide for me and I’m very, very appreciative.

Do you listen to any country music? Yeah.

Favorite high school teacher: My sophomore history teacher was really cool. He reminded me of Rob Dyrdek a lot looks and personality wise. I also remember that he was a huge fan of RHCP and had them playing everyday before class.

Do you ever get drunk? Not anymore, but I have many times back when I used to drink.

Have you ever had highlights before? I had them for several years.

Favorite number: 8.

Do you still sleep with any stuffed animals? I have 4 that sit on my bed. What is your biggest regret in life? I don’t want to get into that stuff.

Would you say you think you have a mental disorder of some kind? I do have a some mental disorders.

Are you normally an independent person? I used to be more independent than I have been these past few years. I’ve been very dependent these past few years.

Do you have any paintings? I do.

What is one clothing fad you wish never existed? I don’t care.

Do you like to be organized? Yes and I used to be pretty organized, but that’s changed these past few years as well.

Have you ever failed a class before? I had to retake a math course one in community college. Funny how I took it with a different professor and actually did really well.

Ever been judged because of your weight? I’m underweight and people have their own assumptions about it. What is your favorite breakfast cereal? The sugary bad ones, ha.

Ever had a wish come true? I don’t believe in wishes.

Do you regret meeting any of your exes? No.

Do you own any coloring books? Yes. Adult coloring books became a big thing a few years ago and I got really into it.

What’s the meanest thing someone’s called you? I’ve said the meanest, cruelest things to myself.

Have you ever bullied someone? No.

Do you ever watch Lifetime? Growing up my mom and I used to love watching Lifetime movies. We’d binge watch ‘em every weekend. Now we’ll catch a movie every once in awhile and kind of get hooked again, but not very often.

Ever tried to intentionally sabotage someone’s grade? Wow, no.

Do you own any brown clothing? I have a brown pair of leggings.

What color are your walls painted? White.

Last thing you drank: Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.

Have you ever seen a tornado in person? Noooo.

Do you have an inground pool at your house? No.

What is the first digit of your phone number? What’s the prettiest town you’ve been to? There’s been a few.

Do you tend to sleep a lot? When I do sleep, yes. I have a messed up sleep schedule and it’s hard for me to fall asleep, but when I do I’ve been sleeping a lot. I’d nap a lot everyday, too, if I allowed myself to, but for some reason I rarely do.

Silver or gold jewelry? I like both.

Do you sometimes celebrate holidays early? Well, for Christmas we’ve done something the day or so before with family.

Have you ever been in love? Yes.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? Everything my family has given and done for me.

When was the last time you showered? A couple days ago.

Would you consider yourself attractive? No.

Has anyone made you mad today? Not as of now.

Favorite smell: Sigh, I’ve listed this too many times.

Are you afraid of insects? YES. ALL of them.

Do you have any children? Nooo.

If so, what are their names?

Would ever consider having children in the future? I don’t want to have children.

Have you ever lived on a farm? No.

Ever played any sports? No.

Do both of your parents have jobs? Yes.

Where is the best place you’ve been on vacation to? I love all the vacations I’ve been on.

Are you afraid people won’t accept you? That’s not something I’m concerned about right now. Haven’t been the last few years. And that’s not at all because I’m confident or something... very much the opposite.

Are you, for the most part, an honest person? Yes.

Did you make prank phone calls as a child? My friends and I did that sometimes in middle school. :X So dumb.

Do you like to make donations? Yeah.

What is your current ringtone? One of the ones that came with the phone.

Meet anyone from your past lately? No.

Have you ever called a teen suicide line? No.

Have you ever caught something on fire? Yes. Food in the microwave and in the oven. Also the tips of my hair once when blowing out birthday candles...

Ever been obsessed with a show? Yeah. That’s what tends to happen when I’m into a show.

What type of perfume or cologne do you use? A body spray from Bath & Body Works called Into the Night. I want to get some of their beachy scents now.

What’s the last book you read? I’m currently reading, The Girl and the Hunt by AJ Rivers.

Dream career: I have no idea.

Have you ever climbed a mountain before? No.

At what age do you plan to get married? I don’t.

Ever been in a car accident? No.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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choicesfanatic86 · 7 years ago

Text

TTS: Part 32 (Liam x MC)

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Pixelberry Studios, except characters unique to my story. Those belong to me. ;)

PAIRINGS: Riley (MC) x OC, Riley (MC) x Liam, Liam x Riley (MC) x OC, Olivia x Drake, Bertrand x Savannah, Maxwell x OC

SUMMARY: She needed to get better and healthier so that her little lima bean could grow big and strong. <3

If you are new to the series and would like to catch up by reading previous parts, please check out my master fan fiction listing. CATCH UP HERE

TAGS: @herladyshipxx @theroyalweisme @blackcatkita @devineinterventions2 @hopefulmoonobject @captainkingliam @pbchoicesobsessed @cocomaxley @queencatherynerhys @mfackenthal @boneandfur @spetstoof @bobasheebaby @grapefrults @pessimystic-fangirl @dralenamax @mspaigemoore @drakelover78 @kaitycole @jayjay879 @hhiggs @umccall71 @penguininapinktuxedo @topsyturvy-dream @decisso @pnhanga @ladynonsense @mrs-simmy @jamielea81 @alwaysthebestchoice @hamulau @mrsdrakewalkerblog @crookedslimecreatorpasta @liamxsworld

5/18/18 - Sorry for the delay in this part. <3 Thank you for being patient. Updates will probably be more frequent this weekend. Thank you for all of your reviews!

PART 32 - Lima Bean

The full weight of the situation started to take over. Pregnant. Huh. She hadn’t thought of that. Of everything she thought could be causing her symptoms, pregnancy hadn’t even shown up on her radar. Riley started to feel rather foolish. How did she not know her own body? She hadn’t noticed the changes that were surely taking place inside of her. Yes, she was tired all the time, but she had just gone through a terrible breakup and work had become increasingly busy. How could it not have been a red flag that there was something more going on? The tiredness, the loss of appetite, the lightheadedness . . . all of that were telltale signs of pregnancy. She started to feel overwhelmed. A few tears cascaded down her cheeks. She hadn’t even realized she was about to cry. A baby. God, she didn’t know the first thing about babies. She didn’t have any friends with children, and being an only child herself, she never really experienced the whole looking after a baby thing. She had always wanted children. She had figured that being a mother was always a part of the bigger plan for her future. She just never expected it to be this soon . . . or under these circumstances. God, could she even handle this alone? She couldn’t tell Liam . . . not in the current state of their non-existent relationship. She hadn’t spoken to him since their blowout, and she doubted he’d want to hear from her now. It was one thing to indirectly ask Andy about her, it was completely different for her to call him out of the blue and spring the pregnancy news on him. Maybe he wouldn’t even believe her. His faith in her had certainly waivered after everything that happened with Paul.

She sighed heavily, looking at her still-flat stomach. Big changes were certainly on the way, and with or without Liam knowing, she was going to have to suck it up and accept everything that was about to come her way. Sometimes life was a bit tricky like that. It gives you what you want most at the most inopportune time. When she had envisioned a future with Liam . . . before the horrific night of the Coronation Ball . . . before he had married Madeline . . . she had pictured them with a palace full of children running around. She had wanted a family. Being an only child was lonely, and she always imagined having at least three children so that they could grow up with one another and take care of one another. She had wanted that with him. But of course, after everything that happened the dreams she had formulated in her head disappeared and she had resigned herself that she’d just have to picture a new future with someone else. Surprise! Fate had other plans.

A light tapping on the hospital room door pulled her from her thoughts. A tall woman, a little older than Riley, walked in as she struggled to push a cart with a large monitor attached to it. She also juggled a thin chart in her other hand. She brushed the hair out of her face, her eyes wandering over Riley.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Roderick,” she said smiled lightly. “I hear we’re expecting,” she said quietly.

“Hi,” she whispered, nodding a bit nervously. She didn’t know what to expect with this consultation. She was still getting accustomed to the idea of being pregnant. This was actually happening. She wasn’t even entirely sure about how she should feel about things; the idea of being pregnant felt so foreign . . . she was having a bit of difficulty wrapping her head around all of it.

“So, as you know, Dr. Diaz had some concerns about your health. I’m glad he went the extra mile and did all that blood work because now we have a better idea of what’s going on. Your hCG levels are high, which is a great sign. That means the pregnancy is progressing well. But, some of your other levels worry me,” she frowned scanning her chart. “You’re anemic, which is a big concern because that means you’re not producing enough red blood cells. It doesn’t help that you’re underweight. That, along with the fall yesterday, could mean some pretty serious issues for your pregnancy,” she said nervously. “Have you had any cramping? Any unusual sensations?”

Riley shook her head. She started to feel overwhelmed. She wished she didn’t have to do this by herself. “No, but my leg really hurts . . . nothing else is bothering me. In fact, I feel a little better today,” she murmured.

“That’s the IV fluids we’re giving you. Your body was really run down, and needed the extra boost to get your body kick started again. I’m glad to hear the fluids are helping,” she smiled. “Dr. Diaz notated here that you’ve been experiencing some spells of lightheadedness?” she mentioned, changing the subject.

“Yes, I think that’s why I fell. Actually, I know that’s why I fell. I felt a bit out of it and just couldn’t right myself again in time.”

Dr. Roderick nodded, jotting down everything that Riley said. “We need to do an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay with the baby,” she explained. “It’ll give us an idea of how far along you are, and if the trauma from the accident caused any sort of internal damage.”

Riley sucked in a breath. She hadn’t even thought of that. Here she was thinking about how busted up she was, she hadn’t even thought of the implications of all of this regarding the baby. A terrible wave of fear rushed over her. “Do you think that something could be wrong?”

Dr. Roderick busied herself setting up the ultrasound machine and monitor. “We won’t really know until we get some imaging of the baby,” she explained. “If you’d lost the pregnancy, I’d expect to see a lower hCG count.”

Riley sighed. “I’ve been thinking about things as I’ve been sitting here . . .and I wasn’t really taking the best care of myself . . . I didn’t know . . . about the baby,” she paused, feeling a bit ashamed that she’d let things get to such a point. “I drank a lot of energy drinks over the last couple of weeks . . . maybe had a bit of alcohol . . .”

Dr. Roderick nodded. “Yes, well unfortunately that’s definitely not good for a developing fetus,” she frowned. “It can lead to miscarriages, low birth rate, some developmental delays. The first trimester is crucial in the development of all the vital organs.”

Riley’s panic increased. “God, I feel so stupid,” she said sadly. Her mind shifted to something Dr. Diaz had mentioned this morning . . . about being a little worried about the scans they did on her. “I had a lot of x-rays done at the ER, and a CT scan. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Technically, you aren’t supposed to have those sorts of tests done when you’re pregnant,” she acknowledged. “In your situation, even if we didn’t know about the pregnancy, the necessity of the tests outweighed the risk. With a head injury and a likely fracture, we needed confirmation to figure out the best course of treatment. If I were in your shoes, I would have still had the imaging studies done,” she reassured her.

Riley could only nod, letting the information sink in. She couldn’t stop worrying now. Everything that happened over the last few weeks had led her here, and now . . . well, she didn’t know what was going to happen.

“This is a lot, I know. I wish I could tell you that things will get easier,” she smiled lightly. “Let’s do that ultrasound now, shall we?”

Riley nodded, her nerves started to get the better of her.

“Just a bit of gel over your abdomen okay?” Dr. Roderick motioned to the tube of jelly that she as about to squeeze onto Riley’s stomach.

Riley’s body shivered at the unexpected coolness. Dr. Roderick moved the wand around her abdomen going a bit lower beneath her belly button. She sucked in a breath, the anxiety working its way over her body. Dr. Roderick started intently at the monitor, continuing to move the wand all around. Riley couldn’t make out what she was looking for on the screen. It just looked like a black and white static-like image to her. Dr. Roderick paused, pushing the wand a bit more firmly into Riley’s belly. Her furrowed eyebrows and steely stare worried Riley. She knew that wasn’t a good sign. She hadn’t had a lot of experience with pregnancy or babies . . . none at all actually . . . but every TV show that had a pregnant lady getting an ultrasound showed a blob-like image on the screen and you could hear a whooshing sound in the background. None of that was happening here. Wasn’t that supposed to happen already? It’d been a month and a half since Cordonia, she had to at least nearly two months along.

“Is something wrong?” Riley asked, her voice just above a whisper. She felt so sick. She knew that something wasn’t right. She may not have gone through this before, but she was smart enough to realize that the doctor’s silence meant something was gravely amiss. She looked at the screen intently, not really knowing what to look for herself. She hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath, until Dr. Roderick placed a calming hand on her shoulder. “It’s not unusual to be unable to see the baby if you’re pretty early in your pregnancy,” she explained. “There’s another type of ultrasound that we’re going to have to do. It’s called a transvaginal ultrasound,” she explained, bringing out a thinner, longer wand from under the ultrasound cart.

“Oh,” Riley murmured understanding. “Okay,” she shrugged, just wanted to get things over with so she could make sure everything was alright with the baby. “That gets inserted . . .down there,” she asked looking at Dr. Roderick for confirmation, her eyes

“Yes,” Dr. Roderick nodded. “It looks a bit scary, but I promise you that it’s only just a little uncomfortable. Think of it like going for your annual gynecological exam,” Dr. Roderick reassured her.

She blushed. When had her life gotten so complicated? She hadn’t even heard of a transvaginal ultrasound until this moment, and quite honestly, she probably could have gone the rest of her life without needing to have one. But she needed it. She needed to know that the baby was okay.

Riley couldn’t help but think the worst. If they couldn’t find the baby this way, she had a faint idea of what that meant, and she was hoping it hadn’t come to that. Riley shifted her legs uncomfortably, her leg fracture making much movement difficult. As Dr. Roderick inserted the offending wand into her, all Riley could think of was that she was right. It was uncomfortable, but way worse than an annual gynecological exam. She cringed a little, but her eyes never left the monitor. As uncomfortable as it was, all Riley could think about was being able to see her baby. She hadn’t realized until that moment how much she had actually wanted this baby. All the fears she had this morning when she had first found out suddenly vanished and were replaced by a much bigger one . . . what if, in her lack of self-care, she’d cost her baby his or her life?

There was an unsettling silence in the room, and Riley could swear that she could hear her own heartbeat echoing loudly, thumping away nervously. She knew her anxiety was in high gear because she could feel her palms sweating and her limbs started to tingle. Finally, Dr. Roderick turned to her, and moved the screen closer to Riley so that she could see.

“There’s your baby,” she smiled lightly, her hand motioning to the center where a bean looking figure floated. “You see that right there?” she asked, pointing to a little fluttering movement. “That’s your little baby’s heartbeat,” she pointed out.

Riley’s mouth formed an awe-struck “o.” How crazy was that? That was her baby. Suddenly, all of her anxiety and nerves flew out of the window and were replaced by sheer joy. Her baby was okay. Her baby had a heartbeat. She felt like she was going to cry from the relief of it all. She’d been so tense and worried that she finally had a chance to revel in the sheer wonder of this special moment. “That’s amazing,” she murmured quietly. “He looks like a little lima bean,” she chuckled, her eyes never leaving the screen.

Dr. Roderick nodded in acknowledgement. “Do you have the date of your last period?” Dr. Roderick asked, clicking around and snapping images from the screen.

“Um, I haven’t really been keeping track,” she explained. “I was abroad, and then I came back. I had been swamped with work,” she trailed off.

“How about a date of conception? An estimated time frame of when you were sexually active?” Dr. Roderick questioned.

Riley blushed. There were so many questions . . . so much Dr. Roderick needed to know. The consequence of amazing, mind-blowing, heart-stopping sex was pregnancy, and with pregnancy came a whole slew of awkward questions that she wished she didn’t have to answer. She couldn’t exactly tell this doctor that she was pretty much on a sexual bender for over a week in Europe.

“Last week of April, first week of May,” she mumbled lightly, unable to make eye contact with Dr. Roderick. She was a grown woman, and still, the concept of discussing her sexual escapades with someone other than her friends gave her the heeby jeebies.

“Okay, she did a little bit of a mental calculation. I’d place you at about nine weeks,” she explained. “Maybe a little closer to ten, but we’ll stick with nine,” she explained.

“Wow, that far along,” Riley exhaled. That sounded about right. “How the heck did I not know?” She shook her head, displeased with herself again. She began to mentally scold herself for not eating better or getting enough sleep. All of that had contributed to her current predicament. She wasn’t just dealing with her life anymore. She had a whole other person to consider from here on out.

“It happens more often than you think,” she nodded, still doing some measurements on the screen. “You are measuring a little small, but with the malnutrition and the exhaustion, I’m not surprised,” she frowned. “I want to refer you to a high-risk obstetrician.”

“High-risk?” Riley squeaked out, a little in shock. “Why?”

“Everything looks okay right now, but like I said, you’re measuring a little smaller than expected, and I’d like someone who is more skilled with this sort of thing to keep track of the baby’s development. Your regular OB-GYN could probably handle this, but I’d feel better knowing someone is monitoring you a bit more closely. At least until you’re in a healthier state,” she added. “Taking care of your body is crucial right now is very important in this early stage,” she explained.

Riley was still focusing on the word high-risk. She’d just found out about this little lima bean and now she could possibly lose him? No. She wouldn’t let that happen. She’d follow every instruction; go see whoever they wanted her to see. Hell if she had to stay on bed rest, she’d do it. She wasn’t prepared at how attached she’d gotten in just the matter of a few short hours. She’d gone from feeling so surprised and unsure of everything to loving the little lima bean growing inside of her. It was funny how that had worked – how she’d become so willing to do everything in her power to protect her unborn child.

“I’ll get you set up with one of my colleagues . . . an appointment maybe in a week? I don’t see anything wrong with discharging you, but I want to do a different panel of blood tests. At least to get an idea of how your counts look. Okay?”

Riley nodded fervently. “Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it,” she said firmly.

“Good.” She smiled. “I’m going to send up some samples of some prenatal vitamins. You’re going to need to start taking those right away, iron pills daily, and you’re going to need to stay hydrated. The IV is giving you a lot of fluids, but you’re going to need a lot more water and juices to get stronger,” she smiled. “I’ll put some of the orders in, and hopefully you’ll be out of her by three this afternoon.”

“Thank you. Thanks a lot,” she smiled lightly.

“Until then, get lots of rest, and I’ll see you when it’s time for discharge,” she said quickly as she started to pack up the ultrasound machine as she left the room.

Riley barely had a moment to herself when she heard a small tapping from outside the door.

“Sorry,” the soft voice murmured. Alicia popped her head around the curtain. “They told me they were running more tests, and asked me to wait outside,” she explained. “Everything okay?” She asked. “I thought I saw an ultrasound machine?”

Riley blushed profusely. Was she ready to start telling people about the lima bean? Shouldn’t she tell Liam first? Was she going to tell Liam at all? She sighed, shaking the thought from her head. That was a worry for another day. Her first priority was getting stronger, and taking care of the little lima bean.

“Yes,” she sighed heavily. “Turns out, I had a bit of a surprise passenger aboard my uterus,” she chuckled, trying to make the uncomfortable situation a little less awkward.

“Oh?” Alicia looked at her in confusion. “OH!” she said a bit more surely, after a few moments. What Riley had been inferring suddenly clicked. “You’re pregnant?” She said, a smile playing on her lips.

“Apparently,” she nodded. “It explains a lot actually. Turns out I wasn’t a hot mess for no good reason,” she laughed. “The exhaustion, loss of appetite, all of that were just early pregnancy symptoms, I guess. I didn’t even piece it together. Still think it’s pretty crazy,” she said wistfully.

“Wow,” she murmured, taken aback by the news. “Did you want me to try and call Paul again? I mean, he should be here. I’m sure he’d want to know,” Alicia bit her lip nervously as she saw Riley’s face fall. “I’m sorry . . . I know that wasn’t my place,” she turned away from her, a bit flustered.

“Oh, this baby isn’t Paul’s,” she said a bit bashfully. “My ex-boyfriend . . . when I was in Europe . . .” she struggled to find the right words “ . . . we kind of rekindled something back in Europe, and I guess I came home with a souvenir,” she shrugged.

“Oh,” Alicia murmured, a bit embarrassed. “I just assumed . . . I’m going to shut up now,” her cheeks started to flush.

“It’s okay . . . it’s a long story, and I don’t really want to get into it right now,” she sighed. “I don’t want to think about anything beyond getting better and healthier so that this little lima bean can grow big and strong,” she smiled, her eyes wandering to stomach.

“Lima bean?” Alicia arched her eyebrows.

Riley shrugged. “I don’t know . . . the name just came to me when I saw his ultrasound picture,” she chuckled. “Thought it was fitting since he kind of looked like a lima bean,” she smiled warmly.

“Well, this is all pretty cool, Boss,” she smiled brightly. “You’re going to be an amazing mom . . . and you know what . . . after everything that’s happened, it’s nice that a blessing came from all of this chaos, huh?” She motioned to Riley’s banged up leg.

“It’s a miracle the baby survived the tumble come to think of it,” Riley sighed. “So much could have gone so wrong,” she said sadly. “Yet here we are,” she smiled again, this time her eyes glistened a little, she moved one of her hands to her stomach. “It still doesn’t feel real,” she admitted. She tried to sit herself up on the bed a bit more, her leg was starting to feel uncomfortable.

Alicia noticed the wince, and tried to help her adjust herself on the bed. “So, I think I’m going to crash at your place for a while. My roommate can spend a week or two by herself, and I can just hang out at your place until you get used to that thing,” she motioned to the immobilizer. “Plus, I’m sure things like cooking and getting around for appointments and stuff are going to be hard on you for a while,” she reasoned. “You’re going to need someone to help you around your apartment.”

“That’s very kind of you, but I can’t put you out like that. I mean, you’ve already done so much,” she motioned to the backpack slung across Alicia’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to feel obligated. I’ll manage,” she assured her.

“I don’t feel obligated. I want to help,” she smiled earnestly. “Plus, it will make me taking care of work issues easier, too. I can handle the consults and come back and run ideas with you. I don’t want you to worry about anything until you can get around again. I’ve got your covered.”

Riley looked at her gratefully. “Well, I guess I can’t refuse then,” Riley said thankfully. “Thank you . . . it means a lot.”

“So, when are we busting you out?” Alicia asked, slinging the backpack down to unpack her fresh clothes and toiletries.

“Not until around three they think. They want to do another blood panel and they’re going to send up some prenatal vitamins and iron pills.”

True to her word, Dr. Roderick had Riley’s discharge paperwork ready at two-forty five on the dot, and boy were there a lot of paperwork. Who knew that having a baby would involve so many pamphlets and fact sheets? The little lima bean wasn’t even out yet, and it looked like Riley would be kept pretty busy preparing herself on everything she was to expect during the pregnancy. The overwhelmed feeling she had earlier that morning had returned, but thankfully, she didn’t have to face all of this alone this time. Alicia was there to give her the encouragement needed to push forward and take things one step at a time.

When they arrived back at her apartment, all Riley wanted to do was sleep. Alicia encouraged her to get some rest, promising to return later that evening with some of her own clothes and essentials to get her by over the course of the next few weeks. Riley was a bit excited at the prospect of having a roommate again, albeit a temporary one. She was still happy that she wouldn’t have to spend another night alone in the apartment. Alicia had also promised that she’d swing by the pharmacy to pick up Riley’s prescriptions and look around for a few pregnancy essentials that her sister had sworn by when she was pregnant with her nephew. Riley couldn’t help but think how lucky she was to have Alicia to help her with all of this. She really didn’t know how she would have managed on her own. Getting around with a bum leg and crutches was not as easy as she had thought it would be. Her balance issues were further complicated by the perpetual woozy feeling that had returned with a vengeance. The woozy feeling made her head spin both literally and figuratively. It was almost as if she couldn’t catch a break. Pregnancy had not been kind to her thus far, and she had only hoped that the pamphlet she read on the ride home was right . . . it would end once she made it past the first trimester.

A little after Alicia had left, Riley tried to fall asleep, but just couldn’t get comfortable. Her mind couldn’t shut off, and she found herself suddenly feeling extremely nauseated. She wondered if it was from the concussion or if the lima bean was causing her stomach to go topsy turvy. It didn’t take long before the nauseated feeling turned into a full blown ‘I’m going to vomit’ feeling. She stumbled around her bedroom, trying to make it to the bathroom, but she failed miserably. She only made it to the hallway before her stomach had no choice but to empty itself right then and there. She braced herself on the wall, allowing the little contents of her stomach to pour out.

She had hoped that would be it, but a second wave of nausea followed, and she had been wise enough to awkwardly high-tail it into the bathroom, nearly missing the toilet, but making it nonetheless. This had to be purely psychological. She hadn’t felt nauseated at all over the last seven weeks, then suddenly, she learns she’s pregnant and morning sickness kicks in full effect. Her mind was playing tricks on her. That had to be it. She braced herself against the toilet and the sensation came over her again. There was nothing left in her stomach. She was dry heaving, bile burning her throat. It had taken a lot out of her. Having already been so weak from the exhaustion and loss of appetite, she felt even worse after her vomiting episode. She laid herself on the cold tile of her bathroom floor, unable to move. She just couldn’t bring herself to pull herself together. She looked around at the bathroom floor, the fact that she hadn’t cleaned in ages crossing her mind briefly, before another thought of not caring replaced it. Dust bunnies and dirt be damned, she started to think the bathroom floor was going to be her new home. Moving away from there just didn’t’ feel right at that point. She closed her eyes briefly, wishing the nausea away. She allowed herself to give into the exhaustion she’d been enduring, and finally succumbed to sleep.

It had to be an hour or two later when Riley heard her apartment door open. She sighed in relief. Alicia was back. “Salvation,” she whispered to herself. Hopefully she had the anti-nausea medication that would make this horrendous feeling go away. She cringed remembering she had a huge mess to clean up in the hallway. She forced herself up, gently avoiding putting any weight on her injured leg. She didn’t want Alicia to see the mess and attempt to clean it. That would be the lowest of the low moments in Riley’s life. She dragged herself over to the bathroom sink to splash some water over her pale face, careful to avoid the bandage on her forehead. She studied her injury, noting that the bruising around her eye was starting to appear. She looked like a train wreck. She washed her mouth out thoroughly, trying to get the putrid taste of bile out of her mouth before she ambled out of the tiny bathroom.

“Alicia, I’m going to clean up my mess in the hallway, I just . . . I couldn’t make it in time,” she said in embarrassment. She hopped along awkwardly, using the crutches to maneuver herself into the living room. “Don’t go in the bathroom okay? I’m going to clean that, too.”

“Oh Thank God,” a high-pitched voice screamed, before flying into a fit of tears. “I’ve been so worried,” the voice sobbed, running up to her.

Everything was a blur. Riley stumbled backward, caught off guard by the unexpected presence in the living room. “Andy? What on Earth are you doing here?” she exclaimed.

#choices #choices: stories you play #playchoices #choices fandom #choices the royal romance #the royal romance #theroyalromance #the royal romance fan fic #royal romance #liam x mc #liam x riley #trr fanfic #trr #choices trr #trr fic #trr au

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blustersquall · 7 years ago

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hey, so here’s that thing I was writing and got angry at. I finished it because I had some kind words of encouragement and I wanted to try and finish something if just to prove to myself to could.

I’ll hopefully write a resolution to this eventually. And I’m not saying this is somewhat based on real-life events, but it’s sort of based off real life events...

@ffxv-ocs-unite @ffxvhoe @mp938368

Never in her life had Isla considered herself a jealous person.

She was used to the looks people gave Gladiolus when they saw him. Some appraising, some hungry. Some eyes just ate him up, other gazes looked as though they were undressing him. Isla learned to shrug them off fairly easily, after all, she was the one who shared his bed. She was the one who knew him inside and out. She was the one who held his heart - what did she have to be jealous about?

Only... she was.

She realised it with dawning horror, that for the first time in their relationship she was jealous. Jealous of Nessa, a recently arrived hunter in Lestallum who Gladiolus easily befriended. Nessa, who was tall, muscular, and quick. Nessa, with a head of burning auburn hair, and clear green eyes. She was jealous of Nessa, who had quickly risen in Gladiolus’s esteem with her fighting prowess and had become one of the regulars who accompanied him on daemon hunts.

Even now, Nessa sat at his side with the other hunters as they all drank to their success. The group of them, twelve in total, had been out dealing with the encroaching hordes for over a month. They only just arrived back, and the only word out of Gladiolus’s mouth to Isla had been “hi”.

Not a kiss, not a hug. Not even a brief mention of her name. Just a passing greeting as though she was a stranger.

She hated it. The restless anger bubbling inside her chest. The sickening sinking feeling that she was losing him and there was nothing she could do. The resentment that festered and grew day-by-day. Their laughter seemed to mock her every breath. They were part of a group she would always be on the outside of. After all, she wasn’t allowed to go on hunts. Cor, the fucking Immortal asshole, made it clear that her inexperience in the field made her a liability on hunts.

It didn’t matter that she hunted on her own before the darkness came. Didn’t matter she had over ten years of martial arts training under her belt. Nevermind she had proven, more than once, that she could hold her own in a fight. What Cor said stuck, and that meant while Gladiolus, the Glaives, and hunters were out fighting, she was stuck at home like a good, obedient civilian with Gladiolus’ dirty laundry.

Isla’s punching bag was showing the wear of her anger. Parts of it were patched up with duct tape where she’d hit it so hard, and in some places the filling had fallen out, leaving bits of it sagging sadly. It didn’t matter. Attacking the damn thing with her fists and her feet was the only way she could work out her frustrations. She’d been wailing on it for the better part of an hour after the image of Nessa cuddled so close to Gladiolus’ side made her almost vomit. Getting away, and out of her own head was the only course of action.

She was surprised to hear the door to the apartment open. She expected Gladiolus to stay down with his friends for another few hours, drinking and talking about things too lofty and far above her.

Even as the door closed, she kept punching.

“Hey Sunshine,” Gladiolus greeted her. He finally said more than a word, and he sounded cheerful. Isla clenched her fingers tighter into her fists and kept punching.

“Sunshine?” She heard the heavy drop of his bag on the floor. His gear. Dirty clothes covered in blood, and ichor. Grime, sweat... There was a niggling, biting thought at the back of her mind that the sweat might not all be Gladiolus’s... that there might be other stains amongst the ones she was used to. A sharp pain prickled behind her nose. The quiet rage numbed it and Isla unleashed a flurry of blows against the bag.

“Isles.” Gladiolus’s voice was closer now. He knew better than to step too close when she was... What was she doing? Training? For what? It wasn’t like she was ever allowed to fight. So what was the point?

“Isla.” His voice firm, Isla saw Gladious’s hand reaching for her in her periphery. On instinct she turned, throwing her right fist forward as if to strike an oncoming beast. Her fist hit his palm and he held her there, his own strength keeping her rage at bay. The energy from the force of her punch carried through causing Gladiolus’s arm to tremble the tiniest bit.

She wanted to hate him. It would make things so much easier if she could just switch off her emotions and hate him. Hate his warm eyes, at that moment full of concern and confusion. Hate his mouth, his lips, from which she’d heard countless declarations of love, and received endless kisses that cemented those declarations. It would be easier if she could hate his voice, hate his whole person. If she could hate his kindness, and the softness only she was privy too. The part of him he kept hidden.

But, she couldn’t. She loved him, and though he frustrated her, and she was angry, she would never be able to bring herself to hate him.

Tensing her fist, Isla retracted her hand and flexed her fingers. She was breathing hard, nostrils flared and only broke her gaze from his to examine the bindings around her knuckles. It was a rush job, and they were coming lose. Already she could see bruises forming on her knuckles. Her skin would be dry, and cracked, and bleeding for days.

“I’m going to have a shower.” She announced, turning quickly on one foot to march towards the bathroom.

“That’s it?” Gladiolus’s voice followed her, “not even a hello?”

The shudder that shot up Isla’s spine and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand to attention was not one of pleasure or excitement. It was the anger again, vigorously renewed. “You’ve been back for four hours - you could have said something.” She said, fighting to keep her voice still and the bubbling rage contained. “I’ve been down in the bar the whole time.”

“I didn’t see you.”

Her stomach turned. Was she really that inconsequential that he didn’t even see her in her own bar? The bar she named for him? The bar their home was situated over? Where else did he think she would be? She didn’t go anywhere. She didn’t have any friends. Her whole fucking life was wrapped up in The Shield’s Respite... he knew that and he ‘didn’t see her’.

She felt him approach more that saw him. His body mass invaded hers and when he ran the tips of his fingers down her bare arms, she flinched away without thinking. “I’m sweaty.”

“Don’t care,” Gladiolus tried again, a light skim of his fingers down her arms that normally would have made her pulse quicken, and her stomach flip with anticipation of what was to come. Now, there was only a rising sick feeling in her gullet. A feeling she tried to swallow back. Behind her, Gladiolus stepped closer and he nuzzled her hair. “Mhm, I missed you...”

Isla wanted to believe him. Gods, she wanted to fall into him and believe him. She wanted to feel his actions and hear his words and those be enough to put her doubts and anger in the ground. But it wasn’t enough. She swallowed hard, breathing steadily when he slid his fingers between hers. The painful prickle was back again pinching behind her nose, forcing Isla to clench her jaw. His lips pressed against the top of her back and it was like a bolt of lightning shooting through her, wracking her body with unbearable pain.

The floodgates opened and she jerked away.

“Stop.” She said the word, rather than spat it as she expected to, and it came from her mouth as little more than a whisper, though she might as well have shouted it given the way the atmosphere turned cold all of a sudden and Gladiolus stepped away, releasing her hands. “I said, I’m sweaty.” Isla kept her back to him, curling her hands at her sides.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Isla--”

“I’m going to have a shower.”

“Look at me.”

Isla took a deep breath. “I’m going to have a shower.” She repeated, her shoulders rising up to her ears.

“What’s going on? Why’re you actin’ so weird?” She could hear the gruffness of his voice as her behaviour started to grate on his nerves.

“I don’t know. Why didn’t you bother to say anything to me when you got back?” Isla’s words hung in the air like black icicles. She turned to face him, her whole body tight and tense, as if she was gearing up for a fight.

“I said, I didn’t see--”

“Bullshit.” Her interruption caught him off guard, that much was clear by the way Gladiolus’s eyes widened. “Where did you think I would be? I’m not exactly in high fucking demand.”

He ran his thumb and forefinger across his forehead. “Isla...”

“What?!”

“Can we not...” he gestured between them at the air, “do this? I’m only back for the night. We’re heading out again tomorrow. I don’t wanna spend my only time with you arguing.”

“Tonight?” Isla spluttered. Her thoughts scattered, fighting to reassemble into an order and unable to do so. He was back for a night? That was it? A night and then he was leaving again. Leaving with the hunters. Leaving with Nessa. “So...” Isla wanted to scream but it was impossible to organize her thoughts to be able to scream them. “Over a month away and I get to see you for less than twelve hours before you leave again?” She was surprised by the stillness of her voice.

“It’s how things are.” He shrugged.

“It’s how you make them.” She snarled back at him. “There are plenty of other hunters. Why do you have to go? Why can’t you stay, for once.”

“Because I have a job to do.”

“It’s because you want to be with Nessa,” Isla stated in a rush. Gladiolus’s eyes widened and she found herself tensing her jaw to fight the urge to pull the words back.

“What?” He seemed genuinely taken aback.

“She’s all over you, every time I see her with you she’s on you like a second skin. And you like her.” Isla was calm. Almost... eerily calm as she gave air to the things that had been weighing down on her. “You love the attention she gives you. You look at her and talk to her the way... The way you used to look and talk to me.”

“Isla.” His brows furrowed over his eyes, and Gladiolus crossed his arms.

“Are you going to deny it?” she asked him, just about able to hear herself over the blood thundering through her ears. “You spend more time with her than with me. You can’t seem to get away from me quick enough these days.”

“I can’t believe you’re jealous.”

He was trying to make light of the situation, and that only served to make her angrier. “Don’t pin this down on me being a pathetic, clinging girlfriend. I give you all the space you want. I never smother you, I never have. But what am I supposed to think? When I get left behind over, and over, and over again? I’m nothing but a glorified washerwoman to you.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” She matched his stance, folding her arms. “Am I just an inconvenience to you? I cramp your style? Is that why you keep me in Lestallum? So you can have your cake and eat it too?”

“Are... are you accusing me of cheating on you? With Nessa?”

Isla blinked slowly. She was... Gods, she was accusing him. “I guess.” She said eventually. “I get left behind all the time. I hardly hear from you when you’re gone. What am I supposed to think?”

“That I’m out fighting daemons to try and keep Eos safe until Noct returns!” He jabbed a finger at the window, baring his teeth. “That I’m doing what I can, with what resources I have to keep Lestallum running! I like you being here because I know you’re safe! If you were out hunting too I’d lose my fucking mind with worry.”

“You’re never here,” Isla said, biting back the tears threatening to well up in her eyes. “You come, you leave, and that’s it. I don’t see you. I don’t hear from you. I have more of a relationship with your dirty laundry than with you.”

Gladiolus scoffed. He slapped a hand over his face, turning on the spot while rubbing that hand over his eyes. “I can’t believe you think I’d cheat on you. Isla-- do you not trust me? Is that what this is?”

“No!” Her cheeks were flush, hot with anger and accusation. “I’ve never doubted you up until now.”

“So why now?”

“Nessa is all over you.”

“So, if Nessa wasn’t there, this wouldn’t be an issue?”

“It would still be an issue.” Isla threw her hands down in frustration. “I’m always left here. I can fight. I was a hunter before the darkness came. I know how to handle myself, and yet I’m left behind all the Gods damned time, and I hate it.”

“Did you miss the part where I said I would lose my mind if I knew you were out there fighting?”

“It didn’t matter before!”

“There are hordes of daemons, Isla! I don’t go out there because I enjoy it, or because I want to be away from you! I’m trying to do my part. Trying to protect the last few bastions of civilization against daemons. Trying to keep people safe! Trying to protect you! I’m a Shield, it’s what I do.”

“You’re not my shield! I don’t need protecting!”

They stood in silence, her last statement growing stagnant between them. Gladiolus was breathing heavily, brow creased in thought and in irritation. Isla’s chest heaved as though she’d been running. There was nothing else in her head to say. Everything that had been weighing on her had turned into something else. Her anger mutating into hateful words and spiteful jabs meant to wound and hurt. That wasn’t her. Her whole body was heavy, her stomach weighed like a stone anchoring her in place.

“I’m leaving in the morning,” Gladiolus said steadily. Coolly. Detached. “I’ll grab my shit now and pack it so it’s ready to go. I don’t wanna wake you when I leave.”

“Gladio...” Isla’s fingertips were cold.

“We’ll have to talk about this when I get back.” He said, glancing at her and then pulling his gaze away. “There’s clearly...” A sigh, a quick shake of his head and what he was saying was gone. “I can’t talk about this right now.”

Without another word, he walked from the hallway and into the living room. A moment later, Isla heard him pick up his bag and close the bedroom door. Her limbs regained feeling and she stood staring at the space he occupied only seconds before. The words she said immediately started to replay. The things she said, versus the things she meant to say. Things she said she could not take back. She didn’t follow him. She couldn’t. What could she say? She knew how seriously he took his duty as Shield, even without Noctis around. She knew how much of his identity weighed on that title - how it had moulded him and how much he valued it.

How could she spit on it like that? Spit on everything he was, and what being Shield meant to him? How could she repair the damage her words and her petty jealousy had caused?

Isla went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She waited, leaning on the frame and listening. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting. Him to knock on the bathroom door and request entry? Or perhaps she was waiting to hear the front door open and close. Perhaps she was expecting him to be gone when she was done in the shower... Or maybe that was what she hoped. That then she wouldn’t have to confront what was said.

After a few minutes, she heard Gladiolus moving around in the living room, probably sorting his dirty clothes out and unpacking, only to repack ready for the next morning. She hadn’t even asked how he was...

Her feet heavy, and her mind heavier still, Isla ran the shower and climbed in. It seemed futile to her now, to shower and wash, after all - no amount of soap or water could wash away the things she said.

I’m really bad at endings.

And I’m going to bed.

#Gladiolus Amicitia #Gladio Amicitia #FFXV #FF15 #Final Fantasy #final fantasy 15 #final fantasy xv #gladio x oc #isla octavia #gladio x isla #writing #short #based off real life events #this is why it's important to talk #communication is key #hopefully the resolution will be fluffier #maybe #it's an idea

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shadowsfiguresfigments-blog · 7 years ago

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A good place to die Chapter 20 (light fluff)

Warning: harsh language, violence

I had just arrived at the hospital when my phone rang. I turned it off without looking, being in a hospital, and all, which was a very stupid mistake. I visited Bee and sat with her for an hour, talking about this and that, and left her in a much better state than she had been in yesterday. There had been no news from the police (and I very much doubted they’d be actually able to catch the culprits), but she didn’t seem to care too much.

“It’s not the first time I start over, you know”, she had said, and given me one of her mischievous smiles. But she still got drowsy pretty quickly from the meds, so I didn’t have a guilty consciousness when I left her that early.

When I started my phone I saw I had about 35 missed calls from Penny. I phoned him back, but apparently he didn’t have a signal. He had just written me a message that he was in the cistern. I headed there as fast as I could, and arrived at the place where it all started covered in dirt (because of course I had to slip a couple of times), with gashes all over my arms and faces (hugged some trees too) and completely out of breath.

As soon as I could I screamed for him, increasingly worried something might have happened to him. My voice echoed through the large cistern, jumping between the piles of junk, and mingled with the clouds of white breath as I kept on huffing. I didn’t see him, but once the echo died out I heard noises behind the huge pile in the middle of the cistern. Relieved, I started to make my way over the discarded items, shifting them around to avoid tripping once more. But, once I got to the other side, there was no one there.

“Pennywise?”, I shouted again. Still, there was no answer, but the noises grew louder. I turned toward the garbage mountain, and briefly noticed a large wooden screen. It bore fading letters and a portrait, but before I could read them it fell forwards, revealing a stage with some fiery backgrounds. Merry organ music started to play and fireworks went off, adding their own rhythm to the creepy melody. And then he jumped on the stage, dancing around while his eyes looked crazier than I ever had seen them before. He cackled and giggled, shaking his head, waving at me, and performed some sort of jig. Faster and faster did the music play, faster and faster he went.

Then he lunged at me.

“Penny, are you okay?”, I managed to gasp as he picked me up and started swinging us around in a tempo that could rival any roller coaster.

He laughed in my ear. “Don’t you know I’m the dancing clown?”

“Well, that’s how you introduced yourself to me…”

He only stopped briefly to gently place me on my old favorite spot, before he took up jumping around like crazy. Of course he splashed me from head to toe. By now he was going so fast he almost seemed to blur.

“What’s the matter with you? Are you sure you are okay?” I mean, he was laughing and all, but there definitely was something else going on.

“I am lightning, I am speed. I am everything you need”, he sang with a cracking, high-pitched voice, once more increasing his pace. “Try to catch me; no, you won’t. Now you see me, now you…”

All of a sudden he was gone.

“Don’t!”

Before I could react his arms wrapped around me, squeezing me so hard I could no longer breathe, and hurled me around once more. If he kept on going I’d throw up for sure.

“Pennywise! I’m worrying here.”

“My little human pet is worrying, how cuuuuuu~te!”

“Was it that meat I gave you? Are you having some sort of allergic reaction to it?”

“Oh, it was boooooring. But eadible. But booooooring!”

“Okay, well, please let me down then, I’m gonna…”

Too late.

But it made him stop, and he steadied me while I was retching.

“My poor baby’s sick”, he crooned, “Pennywise was bad, Pennywise must be punished.”

I would have loved to tell him to stop that nonsense, but my mouth was still busy with other things. I couldn’t even shake my head. He kept on blaming himself, and the minute I was done he started running around again, rambling about proper punishments.

“There’s no need for any of that”, I assured him. “Just tell me why you are so jittery. I’m worried it might from some stuff in the meat (it’s not exactly high quality). Have you ever had problems with junkies?” He technically hadn’t confirmed that he actually ATE humans, but I was 99.9 percent sure he did, so there was no point sugarcoating it.

He shook his head so quickly I could see nothing but a red streak.

“Nonono, never had a problem. I’m fast. I’m superfast. I’msofastmygirldoen’tevenunderstandhaha…” He spoke so fast his words slurred together until his speech resembled a monotone hum.

“Well, did you like it, then? Are you less hungry?”, I interrupted.

“Hunger never goes away, little one.” His eyes flashed yellow as he stared at me.

“Well, what else could it be?”

“I don’t know what you mean. I’m just reallyfastreallyreallyfast…”

Here we go again. By now he was shifting forms again, and it was fascinating to watch. Tentacles blossomed on his face, which in turn grew thorns as they slithered all around him. Fins in all colors popped up. His hands changed to furry claws, only to be replaced by pinchers in the next second. He grew extra legs that suddenly became skinny wings. It was absolutely mesmerizing and distracted me for several minutes.

But when he trampled over the empty white boxes, I was reminded of the problem at hand. An idea crossed my mind.

“Penny, could it be… that the mocca was too strong for you?”

He stopped dead, the horns slowly retracting into his forehead again.

“Nononono. Impossible. It was delicious.”

“You just had one, though, right? I mean, caffeine shouldn’t have so much impact on you…”

My voice trailed away as I stared at Penny. He had cast down his eyes and a little wrinkle had formed between the two indentions that replaced his eyebrows. He definitely looked guilty.

I mustered all my strength, straightened my back and asked him with the severest voice I could muster: “Pennywise? What did you do while I was at the hospital?”

He mumbled something.

“A little louder, please.”

“I went back to that room…”

“And?”

“Had more?”

I stared at him. He had actually gone back to the coffee shop? What had he done to the employees? And how did he pay? In response a hundred-dollar-bill appeared in his hands.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

He held out the bill to me, and I took it. It looked, felt and smelled like real money to me. The cistern started spinning around me.

Penny was able to produce money.

What. The. Heck.

Something like a whimper escaped his mouth. He very much reminded me of a puppy that had been caught doing something forbidden.

“I had another 40”, he finally admitted.

I had to clutch at the junk next to me to keep myself steady.

“YOU DRANK 40 CUPS OF MOCCHA!?”

He just nodded, quick enough to once more blur into a red streak.

“Jeez, you do realize that you would be in hospital now if you were human, do you?”

I pressed my hands into my temples. Apparently immortals do not differ that much from us after all. Pennywise just had a real bad caffeine high.

“Okay, listen, that’s the caffeine from the coffee. That’s why we drink it in the first place – it gives you energy and wakes you up. That’s why you feel so… fast, do you understand?” I sighed. “There’ll be no other choice then to wait till the effects wear off.”

He nodded, looking slightly relieved I was no longer yelling at him.

So I spent the next two hours in the cistern with a Pennywise on speed (well, not exactly). He continued jumping around, dancing and singing. (Something about blood on the streets, and yummy kids, and about coming to get me – I didn’t listen to intently.) At least he didn’t spin me around again, but he came up to cuddle for several seconds before running off to use his extra energy. He rearranged some piles of the junk (meaning he turned into different creatures and wrecking through them), tried playing one of the games on my phone, asked me to read to him, and then, when I finally found a book amongst the trash, he was running around again.

It was exhausting, and not really in a good way either.

When he finally seemed to calm down for a bit, I invited him over to my house. Auntie wouldn’t come home till midnight, so there was no worrying about a second take on the embarrassing morning meeting. Penny was really eager to hang out in my room again, and so we were on our way.

By the time we reached our little house ( he had assumed his human form again, though very grudgily), the last effects wore off. He collapsed on my bed, not exactly changing form, more like slowly melting out of it, and sighed.

“I think I’m dying, little one.”

“No, you’re not. That’s just the caffeine going away. You’re probably very tired now”, I chided gently. He looked at me sadly, entirely unconvinced this wouldn’t be the end of his existence. I cuddled up next him and started stroking his cheek.

“But that’s a good way to die”, he purred and leaned into my hand.

“You’re not dying, silly, You can’t, right? You are a part of Derry.”

I wasn’t exactly sure where that came from, but it just felt true. Penny closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around me. In the warmth of his embrace I drifted away into comforting darkness.

The next chapter will be a long one, I promise!

#pennywise #pennywise fluff #pennywise fanfiction #agptd

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asktemmie-frisk · 7 years ago

Text

The Hermit Couple (Lost and Found Arc)

As Chara and Frisk ran away, they left everything and everybody they loved behind. All they wanted was to be alone, and this what it took? It wasn't fair, and it wasn't right, but it was required if they truly wanted to be alone.

As they made their way to a wooded area near their homeland, Chara and Frisk stopped at a creek to catch their breath.

"Wow. Never thought I could run for 2 hours straight and only get a little winded." Chara said, thoroughly impressed by her body.

"What do you mean a little? All I needed was a deep breath and a little water." Frisk retorted.

"Lucky. Then again, of course you don't need much. You're a temmie. You can expand your body parts as you see fit."

"Yeah. It is pretty cool, especially since I can use my natural assets to fly."

"Okay, you can stop showing off now. We'll need to get something to eat and drink. Got any ideas for food?"

Frisk just shrugged before bowing his head to drink some water.

"Dude. Really? Why are you drinking like that?"

"Fuck you, Chara. At least I don't have to lap it up."

"The way you're drinking the stream water isn't much different. And plus...you know what? Forget it. I need some water."

Chara cupped her hands, dipped them in the stream, and drank up. She did this multiple times until she wasn't thirsty anymore.

"There. Now was that really so hard?" Frisk asked after he quenched his thirst.

"Yes, but it wasn't as hard as you."

Frisk let out an embarrassed yelp.

"How'd you know?"

"Maybe don't watch my ass while I bend over and get some water. Like this."

Chara crawled over and got another cup of water from her hands. Frisk was watching her figure as she was bent over the stream, focusing on her curves. His eyes turned violet, and he licked his lips. Chara initally pretended she didn't notice, but she caught a glimpse after she finished drinking.

"Gotcha! I knew it, perv!"

Frisk got more embarrassed, but he didn't mind at all. Chara noticed his eye color again this time.

"Interesting. Purple means embarrassment or lust, eh?" She teased.

Frisk sat back, supporting himself with his arms, while Chara crawled to him, ending up on top of him.

"Look at you, Frisk. You look so hungry. I bet you'd like to eat something...moist."

Chara was flirting with him, trying to see if he would retaliate.

"You don't look very full yourself, Chara." He rebutted.

"I think you should eat more...meat. Maybe you like hotdogs?"

"Yeah. But the ones the comedian does isn't big enough for me. I like my hot dogs...extra long. Extra long, and extra thick. Like yours."

Frisk and Chara kissed passionately, rolling around until they fell into the water. They separated the second they entered. As they tried to hold their breath, they ran out of air and tried to keep themselves from breathing in the water. They failed, but oddly enough, nothing happened. They were breathing perfectly fine, even though in a logical manner of speaking, they should be drowning.

As they wondered why this was happening, the current swept them to a large pond. It had some various sizes of fish.

"Whoa. This is perfect." Frisk said, ready to chow down.

"Chara, look. There's...fish...we can eat?"

Frisk saw Chara again, only she sprouted tentacles.

"What? What are you looking...at?" Chara asked as she saw what happened to Frisk.

They were amazed. Their bodies adapted to being in water. Chara's body sprouted tentacles so she could move about in the water more easily, and Frisk's legs were replaced with a tail fin.

"Whoa. Frisk, are you a mermaid? How are you doing this?"

"I don't know!" Frisk replied, just as amazed once he looked down at himself.

"I guess maybe temmies are able to breathe underwater and swim naturally? Maybe that's why my kind were at Waterfall for so long."

"Yeah, but that doesn't explain why I'm like this. Maybe my father was amphibious or something? That could explain why I can breathe underwater, too."

"Holy shit. So that could only mean...you and I were born as amphibians. But why? Shouldn't we have gills or something?"

"I think our natural orifices double as gills. Our ears, our eyes, especially our mouths and noses, et cetera, et cetera. The point is we can breathe on land and in water, so we could live here forever if we wanted."

"Yeah. I guess we could. But do we want to? I mean, think about it. Do you think we were too drastic in doing this?"

"To be honest, yes. I just wanted to be left alone, and they wouldn't do that, so that's why you and I went this far, I think."

"I think we fucked up. I mean, sure, we could live here, but what would be the point? Our friends are probably worried sick by now."

Chara and Frisk hung their heads sadly for a moment. Then, the growling of their stomachs persuaded them to ignore their feeling for a moment while they caught some fish. They got at least 4 of a good 10 inches each to gulp down, and got back to the surface.

When they got back up, they noticed they were further downstream. They made it to the shoreline, and got back on land. They placed their fish in piles. Then, Chara tried to go and fetch some firewood, but Frisk stopped her for a second.

"Chara, wait." He said.

"If you're gonna get firewood, don't let it get wet."

"Sure. Don't worry." Chara said, going for the kindling.

After a few minutes, Frisk shook himself dry vigorously until his fur lost enough moisture to turn his legs back to normal. Suddenly, a bear showed up to him, and it wanted the fish. Frisk roared loudly and scared it off. Chara heard the noise and ran back with some dead leaves and twigs.

"Frisk, you cool?" She asked, setting her firewood down.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Some bear tried to steal our fish. Scared it off."

"Yikes. Remind me not to piss you off."

"Remember to not piss my mom off, either."

Chara chuckled as she got a setup for the fire. She found a few nearby rocks and aligned them to make a good spot for the flame. Then, Frisk set it all on fire. The flame burned brightly, and Chara took some of the fish she carried to shore and almost threw it in intil Frisk stopped her.

"Now what, Frisk?"

"Zap the fish. Or eat it straight. Whichever works for you."

"Frisk-"

"Chara, we didn't bring anything to help cook the fish with. It's either that, or risk burning yourself trying to cook it like most people do."

Chara groaned and shocked the fish enough to cook it alive. She sent at least a kilowatt of energy through it for at least a minute. As she confirmed the fish was dead, she took a bite.

"Huh. Not bad. Frisk, ha-HEY! Don't eat it like that!"

Frisk chose to eat his fish raw, just like most animals did.

"Frisk, stop! You're gonna get sick!"

"Then why are you eating an undercooked fish?"

"Wait. My fish is undercooked?"

"Yeah. One minute doesn't cook it completely."

"That explains the still soft texture I'm getting. Ah, fuck it."

Chara went back to eating her undercooked fish. Why does this taste so good? It's not cooked enough, but I can't stop eating it, she thought. The texture of the meat, alongside the blood dripping down her throat, felt and tasted delicious. She was shocked at how she enjoyed it. As she swallowed the ichthyological amuse-bouche, she just glared at her fish. Then she looked at Frisk, noticing how he was eating his fish completely raw. She was astounded.

"Wow. This is amazing. Frisk, is this why you told me to eat it raw?"

"Well, that too. Also, my mom gave me raw fish once. She said my body has an extremely powerful immune system, alongside a perfect digestive tract. My enzymes are powerful enough to cook or destroy anything it touches with the exception of my own organs."

"Wait. You did this before, and you never got sick?"

"My mom let me eat raw meat all the time when I was younger. She said my body is so efficient, I can probably eat garbage and not get sick."

"Well, let's not go that far. However, this fish, I must admit, is good as it is right now."

Chara and Frisk finished eating their fish, and went out to explore the area underwater. Their bodies invited the adaptations it made when Frisk and Chara remained submerged for the first time. They looked around, trying to see what wonders the world of water had in store for them. Although they didn't see much, they did notice a small alcove hidden by the wayer level. Frisk decided to go inside. He couldn't see very well initially because of how dark it was, but then he started seeing what appeared to be the cave, but in visible purple.

"Huh. Well, I certainly didn't expect to see this. Shame there's nothing interesting."

Frisk swam out of the cave. When he got back out, he saw a creature behind Chara, ready to swallow her.

"Chara, behind you!"

Chara looked back to see a alligator next to her. She struck it before anything else could happen. The alligator tried to swim back to Chara in order to eat her whole, but it stopped swimming and died as it got close.

"That's...disturbing." Chara said, swimming back to Frisk.

"Did you just poison that thing?"

"I think so. It just stopped moving. I mean, look around. All the other fish are fine, but this alligator isn't? It's either dead or asleep at this point."

"I don't know how you did that, but it's fucking creepy as shit, babe."

"I know, right? I was just trying to shoo it away."

"I saw you punch it."

"Whatever. Let's get back to land."

After they made their way ashore, they sat by the fire to dry their clothes. Chara used her telekenetic power to wring hers dry; Frisk simply shook himself hard enough to force the water out. He was still a little wet, but nothing a campfire couldn't help with.

After it got dark, they looked around for something to reside in for the time being. They found a cave, but it had a bear inside. Frisk didn't feel like dealing with another bear, so they left the cave alone. After searching for a bit, they found a fallen tree that was hollow. As they looked inside, nothing was present.

"Alright. It's not super comfy, but it'll have to do." Chara said, climbing inside the dead log.

Frisk climbed inside the other end, and he faced his legs to Chara's.

Meanwhile, Sans and everyone else began looking for Frisk and Chara, desperate to get them back. They called out to them, but no one heard them. They tried to get someone to help them look for them, but nobody lived in this wooded area, so their calls for help weren't even considered to exist.

"My goodness. This forest is deserted." Gaster said, admittedly scared.

"Y-y-yeah! It's not exactly w-welcoming, either." Agreed Alphys.

"Well, we cannot just stop looking; my daughter and her boyfriend are out here somewhere. I can feel it." Toriel asserted, believing completely that they were getting closer to finding Chara and Frisk.

The search dragged onward until midnight. Sans and Gaster were starting to lose hope that they would find them.

"Tori, it's midnight. Ya sure they're out here right now? Alive hopefully?" Sans said, feeling less determined than before.

"Hey! Don't talk like that! My wimpy loser and his punk girlfriend are out here! I know it!" Undyne shouted, drawing unneeded attention of wildlife.

"Hey, stop being so loud; the animals are sleeping!" Asriel whisper-yelled.

"Wait! Everybody stop!" Asgore said, detecting a small hint of a familar scent.

"Does anybody smell that?"

Everyone took a deep breath.

"Brother. Sans, our brother is here! I can smell him!" Papyrus happily whispered.

"Good! Good. I got worried. Thought I wasn't goona see him again. But I'm cool now. Kinda."

"Yes, well now that we know Frisk and Chara are around, that means they're not much further away, so all we have to do...is follow their scent!"

Everyone took notice of the smell of butterscotch and chocolate permeating the air. If the scent dwindled, or dissipated completely, they went back to the stronger hints of it. They continued to follow the territorial smell through the forest.

About ten minutes later, they followed the acent until it reached a potency level invasive enough to arouse some of them. The boss monsters started sweating a little, getting hot and bothered. Undyne and Alphys locked their arms together, making flirtatious gestures at each other. The scent had absolutely no effect on the skeletons, however.

"My, my. Smells like butterscotch and chocolate." Toriel said, feeling the effects of the scent as she sat down on a log.

"Yeah. Looking pretty good right about now." Asgore said, breathing in and out doggedly.

"We know what it smell like, Tori." Sans said, feeling annoyed by how thick and scent became.

"Know anything else it might smell like?"

"...And virility."

Sans and Papyrus made a disgusted expression towards the boss monster.

"REALLY?! Ya get the smell of butterscotch and chocolate in ya lungs, and that's all you think it is?!"

Suddenly, the log moved from both ends. Toriel got knocked over, much to her dismay and Asriel's, albeit minor, amusement.

"Wow. Can't believe tha-"

Asriel got hit harder by the scent of butterscotch and chocolate.

"Yikes! That is unusually strong! What the...fuck...caused that. DAMMIT! THAT WAS THEM!"

Asriel realized Frisk and Chara knocked Toriel over by accident, and they tried to sprint to get away. Sans, however, blasted them into two of the trees, which caused both of them to shout in pain.

"HURRY ASRIEL! CAST THAT BARRIER SPELL FOR FRISK AND CHARA! NOW!"

Asriel immediately did as Sans said, trapping the two for a short time. Frisk tried his hardest to claw his way out, but because he didn't have enough soul energy, he lacked the power to do it. Chara didn't bother putting up a fight, for she knew there would be no point.

For the next two hours, Frisk kept clawing at the barrier, trying to wait it out as he thought Asriel would make the spell dissipate. Finally, everyone had enough.

"Frisk, will you stop it, please?" Asriel asked, still keeping that barrier in good standing.

Frisk refused to pay any attention to the boss monster, firmly believing if he kept trying, the barrier would break on its own. Chara got fed up.

"Don't you get it, Frisk?! They win! They trapped us!" Chara said, having had enough of watching Frisk try to free them both.

"Time to give up now."

Frisk stopped clawing at the barrier, realizing Chara was right. They were captured, and they were at the mercy of those they ran away from.

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a-void-problems · 4 years ago

Text

It has been going on for months now. I feel terribly overwhelmed and like I'm being choked by everything around me including the air I breathe.

There is something up with my brain which doesn't let me do what I want.

I don't feel happy. I live skipping from anxiety to depression and sometimes both at the same time. It's horrifying. And honestly it's been going on for years but the pain of the consequences and the pain of someone finding out was greater than the pain and effort it took to manage it.

I always barely did everything. I barely passed I barely made it I barely managed to study I barely managed to hide the fact that I was very close to failing. Because my grades weren't bad it seemed alright. But it was a constant struggle. I was lucky that my brain happened to do things well by itself sometimes. I never studied i could never get organized i never did homework and I could barely focus. But thankfully some things were interesting. I had teachers I didn't want to disappoint. I had classmates I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of. I had the benefit of the fact that others didn't seem to care that much. And I am smart. That's a fact which helped. I have knowledge I just don't know how to manage the knowledge.

I passed high school. It was a lot of anxiety and sometimes spurs of depression but not like before.

There were still other things that I was already used to living with, of course. The social anxiety stopping me from most things. But it was the only life I knew so it seemed normal. I was used to that.

How to describe university in 3 words?

Stress. Anxiety. Pain.

It was fucking painful. It is painful.

Suddenly things started to have to take more time and more work and meanwhile my anxiety was through the roof. Added was the stress of living far from home and everything being new. I wasn't in my safe little class with 10 people anymore. This was more real. This was really painful.

Panic attacks before almost every class. Anxiety while talking to everyone.

There were interesting things. Not a lot of them. First set of exams came around. I did well for some actually. Why, because I learned how to quickly manage information through dumb luck, associations and adrenaline.

I passed but it took so so much work. It was like I had already started with one piece of paper while others got a full notebook. And now the page I had was ripped in half.

I had a week of rest. I was happy. I had hope. New start. Pandemic hit.

I did nothing for some classes while still feeling the most anxious and depressed ever. I was with my family again which didn't make the situation better just different. I hated lying about how I was feeling. I sat in bed thinking about getting up. I stood in my room walked around. I sat at the desk staring at the screen my heart shaking non stop. I sat at the table eating dinner, crying on the inside while telling a joke.

I remember both trying very hard and still being mad at myself because there were no results. I felt even more stupid because I knew somewhere within me there was that ability to do it, but then even after trying my best the result of that effort was bad. And it took a lot of pain to even attempt anything. I started skipping assignments. I didn't feel the repercussions. I just felt less pain. (I was nothing but a rat in a lab, pressing a button).

A seminar. I laid in bed for days. I finished it. I cried a lot in frustration.

More exams. Other anxieties. Apartments. Money. People. Those were cold days. It was painful.

The half of that piece of paper was now ripped in half again. I made it but at a great cost.

Burning a candle at both ends it was finally starting to get smaller.

There was summer and I don't remember it. Good days mixed with bad days. It didn't last long. I remember a few days in Cavtat. Not much else.

It was time to leave home again.

It was time to be an adult again. I did it. I found an apartment by myself. I talked to the woman, I signed papers. I cleaned everything and moved to a new place. I was happy. It was beautiful.

I was there then. Positive. But I didn't have time to celebrate because it was time for exams and a lot of them. This was a particularly bad month.

I was alone for weeks. I went outside for food. I started drinking to relax because otherwise I couldn't go to sleep. I would sit at my desk all day, trying but with zero results.

I remember the week between my cel exams. I remember failing and then lying in bed and not doing anything about it even though I knew I should have. It didn't matter. At the time I didn't want to be alive.

I had panic attacks. I sobbed on the floor regularly. I didn't change my sheets. I showered rarely. I never vacuumed.

This was the only time I kinda talked to my mom about it. I was honest. I tried and it still wasn't working out. I was almost at the end of my sanity.

But somehow at the almost end of the candle, right before it went out, I passed as many classes as I needed and the light didn't dim. I was at the edge of my sanity and then it worked out. But I never moved from the edge.

I got home.

There were other things to deal with then. We had moved. I was distracted by that. But it was good. We were here at home during the week. I was able to rest I think. I don't remember what I did. I think I was sick for some time. During the weekends we went back to our old place. At the time that was fun too. I was busy with applying to new classes. It was hectic but it was like that for everyone. Soon enough classes started again. I didn't like the fact that I was still home for a bit but that was about to change.

I left in the evening and I remember crying in the bus.

The next day with barely an hour of sleep and a short nap I went to a real class. I went to my university. It was great. I remembered the good times. The class was interesting. I think I was happy. Sadly it crumbled pretty fast.

I was once again alone.

The apartment was getting messier. It's not that I wanted it to, it's that I couldn't do anything about it.

There were good things there. I started knitting. I watched a fun show. But honestly I was still always late for everything, doing my best to be on time and do everything and still barely managing it. I couldn't make myself read things. I could sit for hours doing nothing but attempting it and still get nothing done. I started drinking more again. I went for a coffee with friends and joked about not reading some stuff for class. They asked how i wasn't bored enough to just do it. I stared blankly as if anxiety alone wasn't enough to fill my days. I was never bored, I couldn't afford to be because boredom meant more pain and I'd learned to do everything to avoid it.

One night I lied in bed for hours. Soon enough it was 5 am and i simply got up and started doing things with my hands so I wouldn't go insane. I folded and organized every piece of clothing in my apartment and then washed all the dishes that had been piling up. At this point the dishes situation was just another heavy obstacle I didn't have the energy to deal with.

I think I started going for food more rarely. I endulged in sweets and alcohol as much as I could. I fantasised about going to therapy. I talked about it to my friend. I wanted to do it. Instead I cried myself to sleep or distracted myself from thinking about anything. I got into the habit of listening to mindless music after having a drink or two. It helped me sleep. It didn't help me get up.

Every day was a struggle. Minute by minute it was a pain. As if every bone in my body was broken and I had to keep moving. A cel test came and passed. I drank millions of cans of whichever energy drink was easier to buy just because it would help me focus a little bit. I tried and when I managed to get through some kind of barrier it worked but at that point I had already been so far behind I simply couldn't really make it all up with one night. I did something at least. I also talked with my mom about her situation about dad who was still in dubai at that point. I was surprisingly not too upset with that. I already knew some things and then again I had many more of my own problems to deal with.

The sheer task of going to the store or throwing out the trash was enough of an activity for a whole day.

It was time to go back home. I did.

It was weird to still have classes. I stayed longer than anticipated because more things were closing down again and I didn't want to get stuck up in Zagreb. I stressed about rent talking to the lady and other stupid money squabbles. There was the whole issue of my old phone being awful and the process of getting a new one that was unbelievably stressful. After some time I started skipping more classes. I tried doing things. It wouldn't work.

The only good thing was the weekends. Franka was here and we could have the old house to ourselves for 2 days and it was great. We drank and danced and hanged out. Sundays always felt inspiring. But by the Monday evening I'd wanted it to be the weekend again. I talked about my issues with her. I said it, I finally spoke the words out loud. I didn't want to be alive. I was sad.

I decided to go to Zagreb to pick up my stuff. I wanted the holidays to be perfect and I just wasn't previously prepared to stay that long. I was actually really looking foward to the drive for a long time. The way there was wonderful. I got there, I was happy. It was cold. I couldn't sleep. I had the last class. That night I wanted to kill myself. I wished no one cared about me so I could. I realized there was no problem with any single place, the problem was me existing anywhere.

I walked around stores to keep occupied. Franka came around and it was a bit of a weird day but it was good to see her. We almost froze to death and we were stupid but at least I laughed. It took me long to fall asleep again.

It was time to leave. I don't remember how I felt. The bus ride was good. I listened to books. I accomplished something.

I got home. I was happy for that.

There was another day of classes.

I survived it. Those were some easy ones. Somehow it was easy not to panic when they talked about exams. Like I had already decided I wouldn't even be trying. The holidays started. I was ecstatic. I read a few short books but I read them. During the day I'd knit, during the night I'd cry and try to read to forget about it.

This is when I knew, like before and again and again, but this time there were no excuses. It was Christmas i was with my family I was on a break I was supposed to be happy and I was crying myself to sleep. That isn't right.

"Something's not right about what I'm doing but I'm still doing it-- living in the worst parts, ruining myself"

I want this to stop. I feel like I need a big big break from everything. Because even though maybe I could do it maybe I could do something - I think it would completely break me. The only way I could succeed at all was if I was going through anxiety attacks non stop. And that shit hurts so so much. And I already feel like I'm on the edge. I don't know far more I could go.

I literally feel like I would rather not be alive at all than go through another session of that. I'd rather never have a job I like, or literally even work at a grocery store forever than do this now. Something isn't right and I need to stop hiding it and saying I'm fine because for some reason I feel like it's wrong or like I'm a burden or failure because of it. You wouldn't say that to someone with a broke leg and you wouldn't shame them for not being able to run or even worse still tell them that they should be able to run anyway.

There has to be a time to heal somehow. I want to fix things. I can't keep ripping the paper to halves because soon there will be nothing left and you can't come back from that.

I need help.

I want to be okay. I want to be alright.

I don't want to feel like I would rather be dead anymore.

I just have to figure out how to explain the scale of it. Just how bad it really is. Then fix it. I'll find a way to fix it.

#notes

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did-you-fall-or-did-you-let-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Cabin Fever (Tree Bros)

Authors Note: This sucks so bad wow. Sorta wanna continue this story and make more parts of it, but only if some people want it, I guess. ALSO I DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TREE BROS OR NOT BUT I’M A SUCKER FOR THEM SO I DID IT ANYWAYS SORRY.

Prompt: Connor and Evan fanfic or head-can where they met at a summer camp or something like that and they were roomies idk :)

WC: 1861

CW: Swearing, Drinking, Smoking, Brief mention of throwing up

_____________________________

Evan knocked on the door of what was supposed to be his dorm. It was made of all wood and looked like it would fall down any day now. It had a single window on the side of the house, which was covered up by curtains on the inside. Music blasted from the house so loud you could hear it all the way from a solid quarter-mile away. With no response, He knocked again. And again. And again. There seemed to be no hope of whoever his roommates were to hear his knock over the deafening music. He hesitantly opened the door on his own. He took a step in and was greeted by an awful smell. He coughed from the smoke that was blocking most of his view.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" A voice shouted out from the corner of the room. The smell, Evan realized, was weed. This boy had been smoking it, and with only one closed window, there was no chance of the smoke exiting the stuffy, small building.

"I... um I'm you're roommate?" Evan stuttered, terrified of this boy; Dressed in all black, smoking weed, unkempt hair.

"Is that a fucking question?" He stood up, blowing out a big puff of smoke and letting out a sigh.

"Um, what, what I’m sorry? I don't understand?"

"Is every sentence a question to you? Fucking hell." He sighed. He attempted to walk over to his bed, but he ended up stumbling and dropping his lighter on the wooden ground.

Evan looked at the lighter drop with terror. "You should really be careful, you know? This place could easily catch on fire and that would be extremely bad I mean it would probably spread to all the other dorms and the office and then we'll all have none of our things, nothing, and that would be bad and maybe we'd go to jail for arson, I'm not really sure how that works, but maybe-"

"Jesus Christ dude. Calm down. I'm not gonna light this shit show camp on fire." He snapped. "You should take a hit. It'll help you calm the fuck down.” Evan took a step back as the boy stepped forward, holding out the sloppily rolled joint. "No, no thank you. Really um, it's really okay. All yours." He walked over to what he decided would be his bed. None of the other 2 beds seemed to be taken.

"Dude, okay before you put your shit everywhere, I told the ancient desk lady that I don't want roommates. So I think you read the number wrong because you're not supposed to be staying here. So you should probably fuck off." He went to go open the door for Evan. Surprised by the smell of fresh air, he coughed a bit.

Evan looked down at the paper that told him his room assignment. "No, I'm. I'm pretty sure this is right."

The boy grabbed the paper out of Evans hands, startling Evan a bit. He looked down at it, read it, crumpled it, and threw it on the ground. "I'm gonna go talk to that bitch. She said okay. I told her and she said okay. God damnit."

"Maybe she was being sarcastic." Evan whispered.

"What the fuck did you say?" Connor yelled.

"I'm... I'm sorry I said nothing. Nothing at all." Evan refuted, playing with the string of his sweatshirt and turning red. "You know, um, I'm really good at pretending I don't exist. I'm usually pretty quiet and I'm neat and I always make my bed every single day. If I stay here I promise you won't even notice I'm here. I won't rat you out for smoking or bringing girls over or staying out past curfew and I'll make up excuses for you so you can sleep in, I promise you won't even notice that I'm here. I'll be completely invisible. I do it on a regular basis, actually, so I've become quite good at it."

The boy plopped onto his bed, almost hitting his head on the bunk above. "Who said I like girls?" He smirked at Evan. "Fine. But you better mean that or else you can sleep on the bench outside." He took a swig of something out of a metal flask hidden underneath his mattress. "Connor."

"Um, I'm sorry what?"

"My name. Jesus Christ get your life together, man. You sure you don't want a hit?" He walked over to Evan and grabbed his hand to shake it. His handshake was weak and loose. He was wide eyed as the boy shook his hand hard and dropped it suddenly.

Connor wiped his hand on his pants. "You're hands are dripping sweat. That's disgusting." He walked past Evan, opening the door.

"Oh. Um, I'm pretty sure lunch is starting soon?" Evan stuttered.

"You said you'd cover for me, didn't you?" Connor said, walking out the door. "See you tonight. Probably late."

Evan followed him onto the porch. "You... you never asked my name?"

"Yeah. I didn't. Because you don't exist, remember?" He walked into the woods located only a few yards from the side of the dorm, meeting up with a few more guys.

_____________________________

Evan sat on his top bunk reading. His bed was made and all of his things were organized neatly below. He bit at his fingernails, trying to distract himself from the fact that it was 2 am and Connor still wasn't back. He said he would cover for him, but Evan was starting to worry that Connor got too drunk and passed out in the woods. Maybe he got caught by a counselor and is being sent home? Maybe he got eaten by wolves? No. Evan shook that out of his head. That one can't be right.

Evans internal debate with himself was interrupted by laughter from out front and slamming fists on the door. Crap. Was it a counselor taking count? What would happen if they realized that Connor wasn't here? Evan quickly turned his light off, got under the covers, and pretended to sleep.

Evan did this a lot back home. His mom would come into his room late at night, thinking she heard something, but he seemed to be asleep. He was good at hiding his breakdowns. He waited them out until the middle of the night so that his mom is asleep. But, the occasional peek in does happen, so Evan hides and sometimes lets out a little snore sound for dramatic effect. The second she left the room, Evan was back up, shaking and crying.

The door was violently pushed open so hard that it hit the wall aside it, for sure leaving a chip in the crappy old wood. It was dark, but by the smell of smoke and the meaningless mumbling, he knew it was Connor. Evan turned his light on, scaring Connor. He squinted in Evans direction. "Fucking hell you're just like my mom." He hopped onto his bed without taking his shoes off. Evan climbed out of his covers. "I was... I was worried." He played with the hem of his shirt, pulling at a loose string that had appeared out of nowhere.

"Why the fuck do you care?" He slurred. "Judging me for living my life definitely does not count as being invisible. So just fuck off." Connor laid down, still fully clothed. He coughed violently a bit, obviously incredibly drunk.

Evan returned to his book, trying to block Connor out of his thoughts. He was used to getting pushed around by people, usually at school. But, it never followed him home. Evan couldn't even go to his bunk without being treated like crap.

He didn't really have any friends other than his mom, and maybe a girl named Alana from school. They were more like acquaintances, though. She stood up for Evan when the other boys at school would call him gay. He didn't understand why that was an insult. Sure, he didn't really understand what it entailed. He had never thought about that stuff before.

Connor coughed once more and ran into the tiny bathroom at the speed of light. It was basically just a porta-potty, except in room form. There was a shower that barely fit Evan, let alone Connor, who was incredibly tall. Evan hopped off his bunk to see if Connor was okay. He heard the sadly familiar sound of throwing up. There was one boy back home, Jared, who his mom made him hang out with. Jared drank all the time and he always overdid it, every.single.time. Evan was almost used to it by now.

He hesitantly walked into the small bathroom to see Connor knelt down over the toilet. Praying that Connor wouldn't snap back at him, Evan pulled back Connors long hair out of his face. It usually hangs perfectly over his shoulders. A lot of people give shit to boys with long hair, but Evan decided that it looked good on Connor. He looked good.

When Connor finished, Evan brought him a cup of water and his toothbrush and toothpaste. "Thanks..." Connor mumbled. He brushed his teeth and gulped down the water slowly. "I'm really gonna be fucked tomorrow morning, aren't I?" he chuckled gently.

"Probably." Evan stuttered. "You should maybe... you should get some sleep." Evan helped Connor back to his bunk after seeing his failure at being able to stay upright, let alone take steps. There was an awkward energy in the room. Connor didn't even know Evans name and he didn't seem to have any interest in learning it. Why was Evan helping him?

Connor finally flopped onto his bed with help from Evan. "Are you... are you going to be okay?" Evan stammered awkwardly, sort of wishing he had just gone to the office lady right away to switch bunks when Connor told him to. He couldn't do that now,he thought. Connor would hate him and ruin his entire summer.

"Yeah, maybe. We'll see." Connor whispered. Evan passed him another glass of water and he took it and downed it within seconds. Evan didn't know what else to do. Connor laid back as Evan just stood there, playing with the hem of his hoodie. "I... I should um," He motioned his hand towards his bunk.

"Yeah." Connor agreed, pulling his hair into a ponytail holder that had been sitting next to his bed. Evan started to walk away, but Connor grabbed his wrist before he got too far. He pulled Evan closer to him until he basically tripped onto the ground next to Connors bed. Connor used to strings hanging from Evans hoodie to pull him close. Closer than Evan was comfortable with. "Thank you." Connor managed to mumble out.

“Evan.”

“Huh?” Connor questioned.

“Um, my name. I thought maybe I would tell you since- I dunno I just thought that this might make us cool or something but probably not I don’t really know sorry I’m just not used to-“

“Shut up.” Connor cut him off. His tone was surprisingly unhostile. He pulled on the strings harder this time towards him until Evans lips were pressing against his.

"Oh."

#dear evan hansen #tree bros #dear evan hansen fic #evan hansen #connor murphy #dear evan hansen hc #dear evan hansen fluff #ben platt #mike faist #jared kleinman #zoe murphy #alana beck #will roland #kristolyn lloyd #laura dreyfuss #masterlist

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owly-sims · 7 years ago

Text

Replies

Wow--I didn’t check tumblr AT ALL this weekend, other than PMs, and so I was really taken by surprise by all the comments you guys left me! You are the best, I love you, and you are giving me the energy to start working on the next issue, which had kinda been on the backburner. XD Anyway, I have a TON of replies, and they are not at all organized. Sorry.

(also today is my seven year anniversary with my husband. I’m 29 and I’ve been married seven years. That’s bonkers, right? Anyway we had pho for lunch and it was nice)

On such a hard floor too!!

I know! This is truly the worst thing that has happened to her thus far. XD

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Nirub’et: Is–is she going to be okay? Tarkav:...”

Hahaha! You tell 'em girl!

They have been thoroughly told...ish.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] I once drank a ton of soda in a single night....”

Glad she had the time to explain that in the moment :D

It’s a comic! She has all of the time I’m willing to give her. XD

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

aww crap

I know. She was doing so well. ;_;

tyrellsimsoficeandfire replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

And your grey aliens look horrific and ugly. But I like it that way! Well done CAS job!

Thanks! I was going for ugly, so I’m glad I succeeded. I probably should’ve downloaded sliders so I could make them more horrific (there are some limb sliders that could do that, I think) but I didn’t want to worry about how poses would look.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Shoot her! Shoot her! Nova: Let go,...”

lololol bald douche

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next”

No! Don't stop! This is good to see :D

Plus it’s a sci-fi action comic--it has to have some violence and less talking. XD

tyrellsimsoficeandfire replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

This looks cool! Do you make the blue electricity with ingame effects?

@tyrellsimsoficeandfire, I used animation player and used the electric shock death clip for that effect, including the electricity. I just looped it and took pictures for a few seconds until it looked like she might have been shot in the chest or something.

simblu replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: In the cell. You have caused us many...”

What an amusing idea

XD I thought it was funny, and maybe a little unnecessarily mean.

nornities replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: In the cell. You have caused us many...”

So enlighted and above things :)

Definitely! They’re a very enlightened race that steals shoes and sentences people to labor.

futurecarrie replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Nova: Put me down! Tarkav: Shut up, or I will...”

KICK HIM IN THE DICK NOVA KICK HIM WHERE IT HURTS! her foot is like almost right there just swift kick and she's free

I asked my husband to pick me up like that so I could try to kick him in the dick, JUST to see if it would work. He declined to help me test that.

twinsimskeletons replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Nova: Fuck this! This is absolute bullshit!...”

what a douchecanoe

He’s a canoe full of douches!

lifeasasim replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Nirub’et: Is–is she going to be okay? Tarkav:...”

"So articulate" ��

Tbf she said a lot considering she had just been tazed twice. XD

treason-and-plot replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] I once drank a ton of soda in a single night....”

ooooh great analogy! Poor Nova :(

Thank you! And yeah, that probably wasn’t fun for her.

ashuriphoenix replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Shoot her! Shoot her! Nova: Let go,...”

You are a very very bad egg. D:

ashuriphoenix replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Shoot her! Shoot her! Nova: Let go,...”

... your tags, I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything because onto the monitor it would have went.

HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD EGG?? I was just fleshing out a character by giving him a voice/accent. ;) Also...

holycannolis replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

Come on, Nova Bee!!! ��

Seriously! I feel like if she had watched her back, she could’ve taken both of them.

nornities replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

Hell.... she could use some superpowers now :)

Seriously! I better work on granting her those...

futurecarrie replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

Bye bye Nova, enjoy being dead ��

For the last time, I would not kill the titular character! Or maybe I would. It’s hard to say.

futurecarrie replied to your photo “previous | next”

Yaaaaaas Nova!

Look. For a brief moment I made you happy.

rosiesimming replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

Nova, no!!!!! You were doing so well.

She really was! But maybe she should’ve watched her back?

simblu replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Again, Nirub’et! Again!”

our poor heroine...

I know. ;_; Poor girl.

simblu replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Tarkav: Shoot her! Shoot her! Nova: Let go,...”

Maybe it was good you changed it from snatch...

XD It really was. It looked so wrong.

simblu replied to your photo “previous | next”

Good old classic Ka-POW

I had to include a Ka-POW! It’s the best onomatopoeia.

experimentalsims replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Nova: You’re going to get me off this ship,...”

Her face is awesome!

I love the faces Nova makes. She’s kinda weird looking but it makes her funny to watch.

tyrellsimsoficeandfire replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Syne: It is for that reason we have been...”

I love your new alien Sims! Must catch up with their story soon.

Thanks! I’m really enjoying writing about them, but I know I’m posting a crazy amount that might make it hard to keep up.

lifeasasim replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Nova: You’re going to get me off this ship,...”

Damnmmmmm girl

Right?? She’s not someone to mess around with!

lifeasasim replied to your post “List 5 facts about your most favorite sim of yours and send this to 10...”

Mother clucker! Hahahahhahaha

I was so proud of that name. XD

treason-and-plot replied to your photo “previous | next”

So much violence! ��

treason-and-plot replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Syne: Admission of guilt is not necessary. The...”

Oh dear i hope she won't be expected to use her juggling skills ��

Could you imagine? She has a ball and chain around her ankle, forced to juggle for humorless aliens.

treason-and-plot replied to your post “List 5 facts about your most favorite sim of yours and send this to 10...”

That pic ��

She makes that face A LOT. It used to be at Nik. Now it’s at her son. XD

rosiesimming replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] I don’t resist at first. There’s no point....”

Heck yeah! Give em' what's for!! *screams like a crazy football fan*

Sadly, you know the outcome. XD

scipisims replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] I don’t resist at first. There’s no point....”

So cheesy, right? I know. XD

futurecarrie replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Syne: Some human scientists hypothesize that...”

SLAP SYNE NOVA DO IT ��

TOO LATE

futurecarrie replied to your post “List 5 facts about your most favorite sim of yours and send this to 10...”

;~; nik is a sweetheart secretly ;~;

He was really pure in some ways. Alas. ;-;

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Syne: Admission of guilt is not necessary. The...”

Well, it depends what the collective's mission statement is doesn't it? I mean, if their intention is to find the finest chocolate in the universe and they need testers to sit in a factory 12 hours a day eating different planets' brands - then I'M IN!

But you’d get a tummy ache! :o

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Syne: Have you heard of the Fermi Paradox?...”

Also, I sometimes think that organised religion has stopped us scientifically for the past 2k years or so. Not allowed to question what the hands of god created therefore we could not evolve beyond our thoughts. Imagine a planet without that? How far would we be now without 2k years of repressive religion? On another out world colony somewhere probably.

It really did, but there’s always Luddites who try to stop progress. I sometimes think that about the naturalistic types who hate vaccines because they’re “chemicals” and such. They’re holding us back based on superstition.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Syne: Have you heard of the Fermi Paradox?...”

I know about this theory too - though I didn't know it was called Fermi Paradox whatever. I go with that theory of something like: If they were more advanced than us they probably didn't survive their technological adolescence and destroyed themselves, or, they have a prime-directive of not interfering. More likely they succumbed to climate change - as we probably will.

Yeah, sad to think if the answer to the Fermi Paradox is self-destruction, we’re well on out way with our completely inept responses to climate change. :[

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “previous | next[[MOR] Nova: So why are you looking for refugees...”

Patience girl!

Lark is the definition of impatience. XD

#declarations-of-drama #tyrellsimsoficeandfire #simblu #nornities #futurecarrie #twinsimskeletons #lifeasasim #treason-and-plot #ashuriphoenix #holycannolis #rosiesimming #experimentalsims #scipisims #gif warning

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jesseneufeld · 6 years ago

Text

Dear Mark: Increased Red Meat, Reduced Carb, Increased Death?

For today’s edition of Dear Mark, I’m answering three questions. First, what’s the deal with the new Harvard study claiming that eating more red meat increases the death rate? Does it actually prove this? Second, how about the one claiming that reduced carb diets also increase death? Should you worry? And finally, why do I recommend eating locally farmed farmer’s market produce, even if it isn’t organic?

Let’s go:

Hi Mark,

What’s your take on this Harvard study? http://bit.ly/2MY4Src

“those who increased their daily servings of red meat over an eight-year period were more likely to die during the subsequent eight years”

It’s total nonsense with very little applicability to MDA readers.

Red meat eaters were more likely to be smokers.

Red meat eaters weighed more.

What else did people change as they added or removed red meat from their diets over the eight years?

The study doesn’t say much.

What we know:

Those who ate more red meat as time wore on also ate more calories per day—roughly 400 more. Those who ate less red meat as time wore on tended to reduce their overall calorie intake.

Those who ate more red meat as time wore on also gained more weight.

The simplistic urge is to assign blame for these changes to the increase in red meat, since that’s what the study is studying and that’s what they keep mentioning throughout the paper. But there are a million other variables that could have caused it, that likely did cause it, because that’s how cause-and-effect works in this world. Or rather, causes-and-effect.

And remember: this wasn’t an interventional study where one group was told to avoid red meat and one group was told to eat more red meat. This was data pulled from two different studies done decades ago, gathered by asking people what they ate on a typical day and then following up with them at a late date to see who died, who got cancer, who gained weight. It wasn’t explicitly about red meat. So, this is a mishmash of remembrances of what some people think they might have eaten, and the researchers from today’s particular paper homed in on the red meat and tuned out everything else.

This isn’t about individual people. These are abstract numbers.

One of the more interesting notes in the discussion section of the paper was this line:

Unprocessed meat consumption was only associated with mortality in the U.S. populations, but not in European or Asian populations.

I’ll be revisiting that line in the near future. For now, though, any ideas what could be going on?

Mark, do low-carb diets increase all-cause mortality? Hearing from lots of people about this latest one…

He’s talking about this one.

This is another piece of nonsense. Instead of studying legitimate low-carb diets like keto, Atkins, or basic Primal Blueprint, it separated people into four tiers of “low-carb” intake.

Tier one got 66% of their energy from carbohydrates.

Tier two got 57% of energy from carbohydrates.

Tier three got 49% of energy from carbohydrates.

Tier four—the one with the highest mortality risk—got 39% of energy from carbohydrates.

Now, I could probably hit “send” and stop the post right now. I mean, that about says it all. In what world is 39% of calories from carbohydrates a low-carb diet? How is that the “lowest-carb” diet? Pure madness.

The study also didn’t discuss diet quality. What kind of fats, carbs, and protein are these people eating? What exactly are they omitting and including? How’s their omega-3 intake? They eating mostly chicken, mostly beef, or plants?

All we know, in addition to their macronutrient ratios, is that people in the “low-carb”/39% carb group:

Smoked the second most.

Ate the least saturated fat.

Drank the most alcohol.

Exercised the least.

Really what this study is saying is that eating the high-fat, high-carb Standard American Diet will increase your mortality. This is no surprise.

As I’ve said before, you should pick a macronutrient—fat or carbs—to focus on and go with it. Sure, Michael Phelps could eat 10k calories of McDonald’s and maintain optimal performance, body comp, and health because he’s burning through it all, but you’re not him and you’re not training at an Olympic level for five hours a day. Trying to hang out in no-man’s land where you’re kinda high-carb, kinda high-fat is a bad idea for most people. You could make a 39% carb diet “better” by going with Perfect Health Diet principles, sticking to healthy Primal sources of starches and fats, but that doesn’t work for everyone.

You mentioned going to Farmers Markets every week. I would love someone to explain to me the push for buying local and going to Farmers Markets. Every time I hear them mentioned I cringe a little. I certainly understand buying local, and I agree with that, IF the fruits and vegetables are organic. Usually they are not, so I stay away from local and avoid the toxins/pesticides. I can only assume that those who buy local don’t mind the pesticides, and if they juice, drinking a glass of chemicals. What am I missing here? I would love to buy local, but sadly it’s rarely organic. I’d rather buy non-local organic.

Have you ever talked to the supposedly non-organic farmers?

In my experience, the vast majority of vendors at the farmers markets are using organic methods even if they aren’t certified. Reason being, organic certification is quite stringent to attain. It’s a multi-year process.

They have to go chemical-free for years. If they’re at year three of the conversion to organic, they can’t advertise “organic” but for all intents and purposes they’re there.

It costs money. Farming is a hard way to make a living. Going legit might represent a big chunk of cash that they can’t quite justify at the moment.

Go to a market, and go frequently. Get to know the people there. Look the farmer in the eyes and ask how they grow. The majority of the ones I’ve met are doing things right. They’re small operations. They’ve got their kids pitching in and helping out. They’re using man/womanpower and precision and know-how. They aren’t flying crop dusters to carpet bomb the entire field with chemicals.

Another (big) advantage of local produce is the freshness. Fruit and vegetables that travel fifty miles after being picked the day before are a world of difference from produce picked last week and shipped halfway across the country (let alone world sometimes).

That’s it for today, folks. If you have any questions or comments about today’s questions and answers, write in down below.

The post Dear Mark: Increased Red Meat, Reduced Carb, Increased Death? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Dear Mark: Increased Red Meat, Reduced Carb, Increased Death? published first on https://drugaddictionsrehab.tumblr.com/

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lauramalchowblog · 6 years ago

Text

Dear Mark: Increased Red Meat, Reduced Carb, Increased Death?

Let’s go:

Hi Mark,

What’s your take on this Harvard study? http://bit.ly/2MY4Src

“those who increased their daily servings of red meat over an eight-year period were more likely to die during the subsequent eight years”

It’s total nonsense with very little applicability to MDA readers.

Red meat eaters were more likely to be smokers.

Red meat eaters weighed more.

What else did people change as they added or removed red meat from their diets over the eight years?

The study doesn’t say much.

What we know:

Those who ate more red meat as time wore on also ate more calories per day—roughly 400 more. Those who ate less red meat as time wore on tended to reduce their overall calorie intake.

Those who ate more red meat as time wore on also gained more weight.

This isn’t about individual people. These are abstract numbers.

One of the more interesting notes in the discussion section of the paper was this line:

Unprocessed meat consumption was only associated with mortality in the U.S. populations, but not in European or Asian populations.

I’ll be revisiting that line in the near future. For now, though, any ideas what could be going on?

Mark, do low-carb diets increase all-cause mortality? Hearing from lots of people about this latest one…

He’s talking about this one.

This is another piece of nonsense. Instead of studying legitimate low-carb diets like keto, Atkins, or basic Primal Blueprint, it separated people into four tiers of “low-carb” intake.

Tier one got 66% of their energy from carbohydrates.

Tier two got 57% of energy from carbohydrates.

Tier three got 49% of energy from carbohydrates.

Tier four—the one with the highest mortality risk—got 39% of energy from carbohydrates.

All we know, in addition to their macronutrient ratios, is that people in the “low-carb”/39% carb group:

Smoked the second most.

Ate the least saturated fat.

Drank the most alcohol.

Exercised the least.

Really what this study is saying is that eating the high-fat, high-carb Standard American Diet will increase your mortality. This is no surprise.

Have you ever talked to the supposedly non-organic farmers?

They have to go chemical-free for years. If they’re at year three of the conversion to organic, they can’t advertise “organic” but for all intents and purposes they’re there.

It costs money. Farming is a hard way to make a living. Going legit might represent a big chunk of cash that they can’t quite justify at the moment.

That’s it for today, folks. If you have any questions or comments about today’s questions and answers, write in down below.

The post Dear Mark: Increased Red Meat, Reduced Carb, Increased Death? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Dear Mark: Increased Red Meat, Reduced Carb, Increased Death? published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com

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