#(I realized yesterday that I haven’t really been posting a lot here this month. idk! I was kind of going through a funk. still

[katabay]

listen. I know that thee ac2 ship is ezio/leonardo but please…consider…….ezio/machiavelli

the Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood novelization, Oliver Bowden

⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app / tip jar!

[gurugirl]

Hi, idk really why I want to ask you this but sometimes I just feel so insecure about the fact I’m still a virgin at 23. I haven’t even kissed someone. I’ve always been so insecure about my looks that I’ve never wanted to get intimate with someone, and i know I’m not ugly but I just feel like now the fact I have never had anything makes me feel repulsive. I’ve been on dates but I’ve just never felt that interested in them? I like my alone time too and I feel like I can’t be bothered trying to force a relationship when I want to work on myself. I’m going travelling in 6 months for a year and I doubt I’ll meet someone when I’m travelling so I’ll be 25 almost when I come back and still a virgin. Is that bad? I know I should take things at my pace but I just feel like there must be something wrong with me if I don’t really want to with anyone I’ve met who’s been into me? What should I do?

I got wordy here so a read more was necessary ↓

Hi hon. I say this anytime someone asks me about having not met some milestone yet - but you still being a virgin at 23 really doesn't define you at all and it's not weird. I bet I could post a poll right now and ask who's still a virgin past the age of 23 and you'd see a lot more virgins than not. In fact, I just had a recent anon who is also 23 and a virgin (pretty sure I posted this ask yesterday - check the #ask tag on my blog if you'd like) so you're not alone. Not even close.

Milestones, especially something like when you should lose your virginity, should all be done away with. There's no timeline for something like that. And I'm sure you've heard it before but you definitely want to enjoy your first time having sex and do it with someone you trust and not force yourself to get it over with. While I think virginity is mostly just a social construct, it can be a big deal to us as individuals.

You aren't repulsive, there's nothing wrong with you, and you get to decide when and with whom you do have sex with. No one but you. I actually think you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You've gone on dates and have made the mature decision that you weren't that into the people you dated, you know you're someone who enjoys your alone time (me too hon), you already know better than to force a relationship (some people don't get this concept bc they're scared to be alone and by the time they realize what they've done it's too late), and you're about to go on a year-long travel which is huge and there would be so many people your age terrified to travel for a year. You're brave, adventurous, and smart.

I think you're way more amazing than you realize, just from this ask I can pick up how mature and emotionally intelligent you are. Don't compromise. You're doing absolutely amazing. And also don't discount yourself that you're not going to perhaps meet someone on your travels. Who knows what will happen? Maybe you'll still be a virgin after the year is up - but that's perfectly okay too. Be open to what could happen and keep doing what you're doing.

Also, it's going to benefit you to not talk badly about yourself. Start telling yourself how impressive and how unique you are. Do away with saying such negative things. Seriously. No more of that that! You're going to be just fine. Remember that you're still young, you're smart, and you're about to do something that most people in this world cannot say they've ever done, nor would they be brave enough to (enjoy wherever your travels take you!).

xoxo

[palbabor-writes]

OK so please consider typical Shig/reader where theres unspoken mutual attraction and they're not quite together but it's Post-kamino Shig, like IMMEDIATE post-kamino where he's still processing and incredibly vulnerable from just losing his sensei. I've had this in my head for a while but IDK how it would go and I think you'd do it justice (just ignore this if u don't wanna i just needed to put it out there 😌)

ugh, i loved this idea. where do you find them lydia? they just live in your mind rent free and i want to go to there. gosh, thank you for the ask.

Pairing: Shigaraki Tomura x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Adult language, SMUT, NSFW/18+ only, mild angst, pivotal life moments, TW: drinking/drug use, masturbation, blow jobs, face fucking, spanking/mild pain play, vaginal fingering, cunniliginus, overstimulation, switching, dirty talk, loss of virginity (if you squint), dominance, vaginal sex     

Word Count: 11,800

Notes: oh man. so, if the word count didn’t give it away, this is plot, with a hefty dose of porn. in my mind, this is all part of the grieving process for shigaraki and he’s having a rough time coming to terms with what he’s needing to do. yeah, AFO supported him and enabled him to build a following, but he also hid all of the major pieces from him (i.e. the doctor & gigantomachia) so i can see him mourning for AFO as a teacher & as a psudo loved one, after all, at the end of that chapter he’s clutching those hands to him like he’ll fall apart without them. 

Edited by the lovely Lydia: @kugutsuu. she is the best and if you’re not reading her works, all I have to say is: YOU SHOULD BE. 

Mise en Place

/mē-ˌzäⁿ-ˈpläs/ noun or verb  a French culinary phrase which means "putting in place" or "everything in its place.”

This has got to be the strangest, hole in the wall, bar you’ve ever worked at. 

The patrons are touchy and most seem downright dangerous. The whole lot of them are more like mid level criminals than the usual haggard, overworked, regular, citizens you find in local watering holes.  Meanwhile, the gentleman who runs the day to day operations shares more similarities with a will o’ the wisp than a man, and the bar itself is smack dab in one of the seediest parts of town. 

The liquor selection, however, is top of the line. Some of the labels you haven’t seen outside of posh hotels or high class country clubs, and many of the older bottles are rarities. Honestly, there are so many of the high brow bottles that you’re not sure who to ask about the rail selection. There’s no real order to the place and it’s the most free reign you’ve ever been given with your mixology experiments. There’s not even a listing of drinks to go off of. But, if the disgruntled evening crowd is happy, then so is the upper management. All they ask is that you lock up before you leave.

No, nothing about this place makes sense. But, it does pay well and, right now, that’s the only thing you need to worry about.

There’s one other barkeep, a stogy man named Akio. He usually works the day shift, but late yesterday afternoon, he’d given you a call and asked if the two of you could swap for the duration of next week. At first, you’d balked, worried you’d need to schmooze with an unfamiliar bunch of regulars, who’d then decline to tip simply because you were new. But, Akio had sweetened the pot with the promise of $20,000 yen, so, you’d agreed. 

“It’s fairly quiet in the afternoon,” Akio reassured you. “It’s really just putting away shipment and serving the odd customer who happens to pass by. The only thing...well, I’m sure you’ve met him. You’ve been working there for over a month, no way you could miss him.” 

“Who?” you ask, twirling your spoon in your mid-morning coffee, curious, but not wanting to seem overly eager in your questioning. You like your night shift and you’re not wanting this to become a regular swap. You detest having to lug heavy boxes to and fro, pulling liquor and checking lot numbers, ick. Plus, if it really is that slow in the afternoons, it would only be a matter of time before Kurogiri would come after you with a duster and ask you to clean the upper shelves. Yeah, no, thanks. This would be a one week deal, ONLY.

“His name is Shigaraki. He’s, er, different. I suppose you’ll meet him soon, if you haven’t already.”

“Shigaraki? No, that name doesn’t ring a bell. Is he--”

“I have to go, my son is here. Thanks again for the swap and talk soon, (Y/N).”

The line clicks and you let your phone fall from your ear, clattering the metal and plastic along your kitchen table. Shigaraki, you think, taking a scalding sip of your coffee, no, that’s not a name you’ve heard before. Wonder what it is about him that has Akio so on edge. It’s not like him to give you, er, whatever that strange heads-up had been. Either way, it would take more than a vague descriptor like different, to spook you off. 

******

Akio was right, on all counts, about the haze of monotony that permeated the afternoon shift at the bar. 

Well, right on everything except a sighting of that elusive Shigaraki guy. No, the whole afternoon it’s just been you, Kurogiri, and one, rather sloshed old man, who you’ve long since cut off, and propped at the far end of the bartop. It’s been a dull, slow, day. Thank God you’d taken that extra cash from Akio, or this might not even turn out to be worth your while. 

You’re slipping another bottle of whiskey on the lower shelf when you hear a barstool scrape back. You turn at the sound, your head already lifted and a small, friendly, smile lingering on your lips. There’s a lanky guy, dressed all in black with a mop of wavy white hair, working himself onto the small seat. His head is lowered and he hasn’t bothered to look up at you, not yet, anyway. He looks, not really young, but you can’t tell and you’re not about to let some underaged kid worm his way in here. You’ve had enough of those punks sneaking in in the evening, thank you. 

“Gimme a shot of scotch,” the man says, his voice low, with a quiet rasp racing along the tone. It’s a strange timbre and it makes you pause, your eyes scanning those pearlescent strands of hair that are hiding his face from view.

“Hmph,” you snort, arching a brow at his attempts at concealment. He must be underage, who comes up to a barkeep with a ducked head and demands a scotch? 

“Let me give you a piece of advice, don’t come into a bar and immediately refuse to make eye contact with the bartender. We’re like animals at the zoo, we startle easily and don’t like surprises. And, with your face tucked like that, I can’t gauge your age. So, before I get you that unnamed and unbranded scotch, I’m gonna to need to see some ID.”

The man lifts his head at your preamble and you feel your breath catch at the raw annoyance that’s etched across his scarred and cracked face. His eyes are a rich red, closer to ruby and they latch onto yours, insistent and sharp. It’s a deeply intense stare and you can’t seem to pull yourself away, your brow furrowing at his sudden shift in demeanor. 

“I don’t have an ID,” he snaps, his lips lifting into a snarl, showing you the vivid whiteness of his teeth. 

You lick your lips and his gaze follows the motion, eyes lowering, freeing you from that uneasy imprisonment he’d abruptly ensnared you in.

Your heart is beating rapidly against your throat and you shake your head, refocusing your bewildering reaction to this guy's presence. “I-I haven’t heard that one before,” you say, taking a few steadying breaths and tossing a dirty glass in the dishwasher, looking for any task that will let you step away from this strange interaction. 

“You must be new,” he says, leaning back and hunching those dark shoulders. You watch him out of the corner of your eye and shut the dishwasher door, hitting the button to run a cycle. 

“Nope,” you correct him, pulling out two fresh glasses and lining them up on the bartop, reaching for the rail scotch. “I’ve worked here for over a month.”

“Never seen you before.”

“That makes two of us,” you reply, flipping the bottle up and filling both glasses with four counts of the dark liquor. You press one to him and lift the other for yourself. The man narrows his eyes at you and looks pointedly at the glass in your hands. 

“You supposed to drink on the clock?”

You laugh and he shifts back at the sound, his head bowing forward, another scowl lifting his lips. Realizing you must have made him uncomfortable, you step toward him and clumsily clink your glass against his, tilting your head at the surrealness of this whole conversation. “They don’t really care what I do. Come on, stranger who has no ID, bottoms up.”

He looks from you to the shot a few times before finally relenting and taking the vessel in a strange four fingered grip, his middle finger arched carefully away. Once you’re sure he’s actually going to toast with you, you sling your shot back, enjoying the sharp burn of the rich liquor. 

You’re about to ask your new drinking companion another question when you hear his chair scrape back. By the time you’re stepping toward him, he’s already pacing down a back hallway, blending into the darkness and disappearing from your sight.

“Um! You can’t...I don’t think you can go back there. And you gotta pay, dude! Hey--”

“He doesn’t need to pay.” 

You always hear Kurogiri before you see him and today is no exception. He’s standing at the entrance to the back of the bartop and he’s watching the path the strange young man took, his shifting face turned from you. You cock your head at his assertion and swiftly place your empty glass into the soapy water of the filled sink. He likely saw you take the shot, but you’re not about to leave evidence behind. 

“What do you mean?” You ask, watching as the wisp like man turns and steps toward you, his amber slits watchful. It’s like he’s sizing you up and you shift on your feet, uncomfortable at the frank, open, assessment.  

“He’s Tomura Shigaraki, and he owns this bar.”

******     

You’re off for the next two days and the wait, the silence, is abjectly harrowing. You can’t sit down, can’t relax, can’t focus. The one time you decide to get overly familiar, of fucking course, it would be with the owner. But no one has called, and no one has sent you any messages. The empty static of your job's reticence doesn’t alleviate your nerves. 

Who knows, they might want to act out the sick power play of having you show up for your shift, only be fired as soon as you darken the doorway.

The next afternoon, you take a familiar route to the bar, your feet tapping hollowly along the steps and alleyways that wind to the rusty entrance. You come in the front, blinking against the darkness, and lock the door behind you. Everything is quiet. But, in forty minutes, the open sign will switch on and you need to get your bar set up, plus slap on a little bit of makeup. You’re so lost in thought that you’re almost to the long bartop when you spot him.

It’s Tomura Shigaraki. He’s sitting at the same bar stool and his head turns as you approach, those unearthly red eyes lingering over you. It’s a different look, very, very removed from that harsh glare he’d given you the other day. He looks less hostile and more, well, curious. 

You give him a cursory nod and pad behind the high counter, taking the final glasses out of the dishwasher and removing the stoppers from all the open liquor bottles. He’s still watching you and you can feel his gaze as it bores into your back, your side, your front. You attempt to ignore him, but the constant threat of those insistent red eyes is beginning to frustrate you. Finally, once you’ve replaced the cash drawer, you lift your gaze to his. 

“What is it?” Your voice sounds waspish, but you don’t care.

“Nothing,” he replies, leaning forward and propping his chin on his palm, not breaking that unsettling leer. 

“So stop staring at me,” you bristle, unsure why your heart is starting to beat a rapid tattoo against your ribs. You don’t know this guy. Sure, he’s mysterious and almost handsome, in a dark horse kinda way, but there’s no reason for him to give you this odd staredown. You’ve done absolutely nothing to warrant this attention, well, besides drinking on the job, but he could just fire you for that, if it was so troublesome. Either way, he should either speak up, or knock it off. 

He smirks at your impudence and murmurs a raspy, “No,” back, his head tilting, waiting for your next move. 

“You’re a real charmer, you know that?” You scoff, crossing your arms and jutting your chin defiantly. 

“Whatever you say,” he breathes, that smile of his deepening, making his vermillion eyes shine. And, just like that, the two of you wander into a stilted game of give and take. 

For the first few days, he makes sure he’s there before you arrive for the last of your afternoon shifts, his dark back already perched over the bartop as you shut the door behind you. Then, when you transition back to the evening shifts, he’s there too, sitting at that familiar perch, his eyes always, always watching, observing. You continue to ignore him and he seems to relish your agitated silence, flashing you dark smirks and quiet laughs.

Finally, two weeks into this stagnated stalemate, you make a point to strike up a real conversation with him. He’s obviously taken aback by your first few questions, his eyes wide and jaw tense, but he plays along. 

Over time, the two of you carefully erect a haphazard friendship. And that chair of his? That center barstool? He used to not mind if another person was sitting in it when he arrived late, but recently that’s all changed. Now he guards it ferociously. Snapping and glaring at anyone who is stupid enough to drift into it. 

Along with the lingering looks and burgeoning, almost flirty, dialogue you’ve pushed him into, he’s also gotten very demanding of your attention. If you spend too much time talking with another customer, or with Kurogiri, he pouts and darkens until you return, his tense form losing that sharpness.  It's almost like he’s got a crush on you, but he’s not sure what to do with the newfound sensation, lost and confounded by your teases and grins. 

Most people, you notice, give him a wide berth, but not you. No, you like his keen wit and heated musings. He’s fascinating and you want to see more. And in his flustered confusion, he lets you lean in, blinking and wide eyed at your open, flagrant interest in him.

******   

As the weeks drift into summer, things start to change at the bar. 

There’s some atypical deposit of power that’s been bestowed upon the place. People you’ve never seen before, begin to frequent the premises, sharing videos and whispered conversations about that man, Chizome Akaguro, better known to the general public as the Hero Killer. 

Tomura flits between several, dark moods, clutching his newly injured shoulder and murmuring complaints about hero society, All Might and the Hero Killer. Apparently, there had been an altercation between the two of them and Tomura didn’t hide his ire, his agitation from you. No, he would vent to you, his voice gravel and ash as he snarled his rage.  

Then, as if things couldn’t get any stranger, one evening a young girl begins to hang around, pestering you for a soda and prattling on and on about blood. Another new guy slips in a few hours later, his skin marred by thick, ragged burns and staples. He’s quiet, rudely demanding a shot and nursing it in a corner, his bright blue eyes flashing as he stares vacantly out at the crowd by the well. 

A quiet man, called Spinner, asks you for a water, and you acquiesce, watching as his green hands wrap around the glass, downing the liquid in a quick gulp. Later, there’s a robust, loud, clearly confused guy, wearing a skin tight black bodysuit loitering by your bartop. He keeps entreating you for a drink, then tells you to buzz off seconds later. Exasperated, you plunk a whole bottle down beside his glass and continue on with your work, ignoring his chatter. 

Finally, a man in a white mask and a top hat rounds out the strange posse and the group gathers together, hovering around Tomura, asking questions and listening to his rasping answers. 

Thankfully, the rag-tag group leaves soon after closing, all of them shouldering their way back out into the night. You shake your head as the door closes behind them, gathering the collection of dirty glasses they left in their wake. Only Tomura remains, sipping meditatively on his drink, his red eyes foggy and unfocused. You know from experience that it’s not a good time to ask him questions, so you continue with your closing duties, keeping your eyes down.

Something is going on, that much is clear. But, unless you could worm the information out of Tomura, you’d likely never fully know all of the details. Part of you warns that it’s likely dangerous. Many of the people who haunt the bar are low level villains or brokers, not a winning combination if you’re wanting to stay out of the fray, and on the right side of the law. 

You finish wiping everything down and return to Tomura, asking him softly if you can wash his empty glass. His eyes lift to yours and the expression that greets you almost makes you want to reach out and cup his cheek. He looks tired, worn thin and so, so needy. You’ve never seen him like this. It almost feels like he’s showing you something he’s never revealed to anyone else, a vulnerability that only you can see. He’s giving you access to a quiet secret that can hang between the two of you, safe in the knowledge that he can trust you with it. That urge to stroke a finger down his roughed brow rises again, but you shove the impulse away, rattled by your sudden, visceral, reaction to him. 

To distract yourself, you snatch up his glass, and turn from the intensity of his stare, a slow prickle of gooseflesh trembling along your skin. As you run hot water and soap over the vessel, you feel your heart begin to pound and you chance another peek at Tomura’s quiet form. As usual, he’s watching you, but he looks unfocused again, that broken vulnerability tucked away. You want to ask him if he’s ok, but before you can croak the words out, he pushes his stool back and paces down the dark hallway, leaving you alone and bewildered. 

******

A few days later, you ask Kurogiri if you can sneak away for a minute, you need a break. The bar has been packed since nine and you could use a quick breather. It’s the first night Tomura hasn’t stopped by and his absence has bothered you. You missed his grumpy quips and his persistent glances. All this time, you’d thought it was just him that was catching any kind of feelings, but it looks like he’s somehow managed to nag his way into your psyche, too. 

You take the back stairs quietly and let yourself out onto the alleyway balcony, climbing the rickety fire escape to the rooftop. You’d found the access to the roof your second week and it’s still your favorite place in the whole bar. On a clear night, you can see all the way to downtown Tokyo. It’s always quiet this high up, tranquil and serene. You brace yourself against the concrete wall and watch the lights of the city glimmer, like distant jewels, in the darkness.

You pull a small joint from your pant pocket and flick your lighter on, setting the edge of the rolling paper alight and taking a slow drag. The inhale fills your lungs with a light pressure and you savor the feeling before blowing a thin line of smoke into the night. You get a few more hits in before you hear the fire escape stairs rattle, signaling that someone is coming your way. You debate dampening your roach, but you don’t want to waste it, so you tuck the smoldering paper in your other hand, maneuvering it out of sight. 

The white shine of his hair always gives him away. 

Tomura hops over the ledge and his eyes are already lifting, searching for yours as he stands. You arch an eyebrow at his tense stance and you can’t help your giddy smile. “Everything ok?” 

“Kurogiri said you were taking a break,” he replies, dipping his long fingers into his pockets and sauntering over to the patch of concrete you’re braced against. 

“Yeah,” you confirm, waiting until he’s closer to lift the joint back to your lips, taking a steadying pull and scooting over, so he can fit beside you on the wall. “It’s busy, and I’ve been slinging drinks all night. Just wanted to decompress for a bit.”

Tomura doesn’t reply, but he does slot himself close, the warmth of his broad shoulder radiating against yours. The two of you drift into a companionable silence, and the only sounds that greet you is the quiet hush of traffic below and your inhales and exhales of smoke. 

“You got another meeting?” you ask, crossing your arms and pressing minutely closer, enjoying the distant shiver Tomura gifts you. 

“No,” he murmurs, his voice low. You think that might be the end of the conversation but he continues a few seconds later, his head tilting toward yours, those red eyes scanning your upturned face. “They’re on a mission. I’m not able to participate. It will need to be like a SIM game. They are the pieces that I’ll move over the board, they’ll act to my battle plan.”

You turn to him, your eyes wide. “So, they’re just...pawns? Little NPC’s that don’t matter?”

Tomura laughs and his teeth gleam in the moonlight and distant shine of the neon lights. “Of course not. Do I look that heartless? No, they’re valuable players and if this goes right, we’ll be able to take on the next level with a decided edge.” 

You let that last comment hover, pausing to take another huff, your eyes lowered, brooding over his words. “So, you’re their vanguard leader?”

“Sure,” Tomura nods, “We can’t keep grinding each mission, hoping to pick up any XP these heroes happen to drop. We need to make waves of our own.”

“Oh? Like the Hero Killer?”

“No,” Tomura snarls, his arm tensing beside yours, a hand rising to scritch at his scarred neck agitatedly. “Nothing like him. We’re looking past him. He was too short sighted, so busy following his own code of justice that he didn’t notice he was breeding more heroes, not putting them down.”

“Hmm,” you sigh, thumping your head lightly against the concrete behind you. “That is true. But, you can’t deny he’s brought up some serious divisions. It’s funny, really. It makes me think of this little hero toy I had when I was younger. 

It was of an older hero, he prolly died long ago, but I loved that toy when I was a kid. Then, as I got older, it stopped mattering and one day, without me even realizing it, it lost its importance entirely. I wonder if hero society will ever shift to that. With the fractures that have been seen at UA and all over Japan, it could be a matter of time before real change starts to happen. Anyway, I wasn’t meaning to grill you on your, uh, projects. I was--”

“What toy?” 

His question nonpluses you and you cock your head, blinking up at his peripheral stare. “Um, I think it was of that fast hero, O’clock. It was my older brothers originally, but he passed it down to me. No idea where it is now. It likely got lost in a move or accidentally left behind.”

Tomura lifts his eyes from yours, his jaw clenching and a slow gulp echoing down his lean throat. You watch the bob of his Adam’s apple, fascinated by the movement. That urge to touch him is back and you have to clench your fingers into your palms to quiet it. 

You’re so distracted by your primal reaction to him, that you miss his question and he has to repeat it, his eyes slipping back to yours, the red dark. 

“What?” you ask, blinking against the acuteness of his gaze. 

“Can I take a hit of that?”

“Of what...oh.” You lift the half smoked joint and chuckle at yourself, pressing the smoldering paper toward him. “Sure. You had one before?”

“Does it matter?” He scoffs, carefully taking the white roach from you and raising it to his chapped lips.

“Go slow,” you warn as he begins to inhale, his eyes drifting to a half mast, concentrating.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he grumbles, pulling a tentative, but heavy, drag into his lungs.

“Fine,” you scoff playfully, “do what you want. But don’t blame me when you’re coughing up a lung.”

He rolls his eyes, but doesn’t heed your advice and, seconds later, he’s clutching at his throat, dropping the joint onto the broken gravel and concrete as he heaves. Instinctively, you thump him on his back and run your palm soothingly over his lean shoulder blades, surprised by the corded muscle that greets you. For a relatively thin guy, he’s certainly packing some strength under that unassuming form of his. 

Tomura startles at your touch and he yanks himself away from you, his head ducked, eyes fastening onto yours, the irises accusatory and bright, burning with some underlying emotion that you’re too nervous to name right now. 

“Uh,” you begin, aghast that you’ve upset him, “m-my bad…”

But, he’s already leaving, his head firmly turned from you, clambering over the edge and back onto the fire escape, leaving you alone in the darkness. 

******                

After that night, you can’t slip him out of your mind. Even when you sleep, you can see those red eyes of his, gleaming and hungry. One evening, you’d even woken with your fingers firmly pressed to your throbbing clit, stumbling and gasping, shaking free of a dream of him. He’d felt so real, so in focus and you can’t catch your breath, fingers still rubbing a tight circle over your quivering bundle of nerves. You pant as you break yourself, sukling in the whites and reds that haze over your vision. Yeah, that crush of his definitely isn’t a one sided thing.

The next shift you work, he’s waiting for you, perched in his familiar seat, his shoulders curved and tight. You give him a glance, but he doesn’t meet your eyes. His hands are lowered, fiddling with something under the bartop. You begin to open your bar, trying to quiet your wandering thoughts, not wanting to perturb him again. You’re uncorking a red wine when he presses something across the mahogany wood of the bar, toward you.

It’s small, with dark colors and a tiny, familiar, upper half mask. You let the bottle of wine thud against the counter, abandoning the half opened bottle to move closer. It’s...it’s your-- No. It can’t be yours, but it is the same toy, the one you’d mentioned on the roof the other night. How did he?

You gulp and look up at him, your heart pulsing wildly against your ribs. For the first time, he looks away from you first, his white hair pillowing across his brow. His lips start to rise in an all too habitual scowl and his raspy voice lifts to your ears. “If you don’t want it,” he grouses, one hand pulling away from the offered toy, clearly flustered by your wondering gaze. Without thinking, you slip your fingertips over the top of his hand, prolonging the touch, sulking in the warmth of him. 

His fingers curl, some unconscious tremor racing along his digits. He almost yanks himself away, but then he stops, sighing as his eyes lift to yours. For a long moment, the two of you watch the other. You can hear his breathing speed up and you can almost smell the shift in the air. All it would take is one, tiny push to break that delicious tension. 

Tomura’s nostrils flare as you start to lean closer, your body curving toward his, fingers still pressing into his skin. Your tongue dips out, wetting your lower lip and pulling it into your mouth, sucking on the plush flesh. His eyelids have lowered and he’s mirroring your motions, his elbows assisting his lift, his face upturning, seeking, reaching.

With a bang, the front door is flung open and it breaks the spell that’s fallen over the two of you. Tomura leans away first, his eyes narrowed in agitation, sliding from your open face to the darkness of the entryway. You exhale a shaking breath and follow Tomura’s gaze. It’s that masked man, the one with the top hat and he’s already striding confidently forward, peppering Tomura with a series of questions. 

Snagging up his gift to you, you walk back to your bottle of wine. 

******    

You don’t have a chance to see Tomura again until he tells you, one evening, that the bar is going to be closed for the next few days. Then, over his shoulder, you spot the blonde boy, strapped and bound into a stiff chair and you blanch, stunned, too overwrought to give him more than a one word acknowledgement before stumbling back outside. In all of your talks, he’d never mentioned anything like this. That boy looked like a kid, barely past middle school, his eyes wild and defiant, but also so, so frightened. 

No, you think, pacing your apartment, it’s impossible to come to terms with this. You can’t stay there, can’t work there. It’s too dangerous, too close to a real criminal den for comfort. You have to look out for yourself, no matter your feelings for the man who’s wandering down some long, lost pathway, toward a future you can’t even comprehend, let alone see.

So, you hand in your written resignation. 

Kurogiri is behind the bar when you bring it in, and you’re hoping that the early morning conversation will spare you from having to see him. The wispy, purple hand of Kurogiri is just about to take your letter when Tomura barges down the hallway. His eyes immediately land on you and he steps forward, a dark look passing over his palled features. 

“Why?” he growls, fingers snatching the paper from Kurogiri and crumbling the parchment to bits, his quirk rendering your typed words to nothingness. 

“I don’t want to be a part of any kidnapping. It…” you pause, looking toward Kurogiri and, to your surprise, he nods to Tomura and moves away, leaving the two of you alone in the vacant bar. Tomura is still glaring at you, but he’s waiting for you to finish your thought, his jaw grinding quietly. 

“This doesn’t feel like you.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Tomura scoffs, his chin jutting at the assertion. 

“This doesn’t change society. This is just some petty attempt to get back at the UA staff. It’s like...It’s like you’re asking for trouble to seek you out. You’re smarter than this. Besides, what are you going to do with him?” you smart, crossing your arms and balling your fingers into your fists. 

“What do you know about anything? That kid’s been oppressed by hero society, literally muzzled and bound--”

“As if you’re doing any better! He’s still muzzled and bound, Tomura! He’s just in a different location. This is insanity. Who put you up to doing--”

“That doesn’t matter. This conversation has nothing to do with that. You can’t leave,” Tomura snaps, his head lowering, soft white hair falling over his face. “Give it a few more days.”

“What? I can’t stay if the bar is raided and it’s prolly gonna be if you keep that kid. Besides, that’s not--”

“Just...just give me a few more days. I don’t want to beg you, I shouldn’t fucking need to beg you. It’s not an impossible request (Y/N). Just--”

“Fine,” you sigh, uncrossing your arms and watching him. He looks on edge, haggard and angry. Those emotions aren’t projected at you, you know that. Nevertheless, it doesn’t lessen the danger he’s asking you to stand with him in. But, you can give him a few days and you tell him so, trying to ignore the pattering of your heart when he looks at you and smiles.

******

Then, Kamino happens. 

You weren’t there, thank God. But he was, and now, no matter what he’d asked of you, no matter what he’d hoped for, everything shifts apart. Days linger into weeks and you’re trying your best to reason that he’d made it out in one piece. Surely, you would have heard something. The capture of the leader of the League of Villains would have been a morsel that the media would have wanted to crow about, especially after the loss of All Might. 

Late one evening, your phone rings. 

It’s an unknown, blacked out number, but something tells you to answer, so you pick it up. You almost gasp when you hear that familiar rasp and you listen to what he tells you. You can’t get over how brittle and cracked his voice sounds but you write down the address he gives you. He cloaks his true motivations with a lie. Apparently, he has your last paycheck. Like that even matters to you. Honestly, you’re just glad he’s safe and whole. But, he’s gone to all this effort to build a bridge back to him, so of course you’re going to go.

You check and double check the directions, carefully maneuvering and weaving through bus stops and back streets. Somehow, you make it and find yourself pressing open a dilapidated door and stepping into a small room. Only darkness greets you, even though the bright midday sun is shining outside. The place he’s brought you to is on a dock, on the outskirts of town, close to the salty edge of a bay. You can hear the mournful cries of a seagull as you close the door behind you, sealing yourself inside and blinking into the gloom.

It takes you a minute to catch sight of him.

He’s lingering along the edges but you can make out the glow of his eyes, red and fierce. He looks different. It’s only been a few weeks, but it looks like the weight of years has crushed him under its unfeeling grind in that short amount of time. No, Kamino has changed him, rendering him unhinged and dangerous, drifting along the peripheral of your vision. Still, you haven’t come here to witness him falling to bits at your feet. No, you’d come here with another, darker motive. 

Now, to work.

“What happened?” you ask, keeping your back firmly against the door. Watching him move closer, those red shoes of his glinting over the dark wooden floors.

“Sensei is...gone,” he replies, his voice hollow and faint. He’s mentioned his Sensei before and you’d heard the man’s strange voice echoing from that back television, like some distant, terrifying specter. But, you knew he was important to Tomura, more like a father than a teacher. However, you’d seen the news. You knew he was beaten to a pulp and captured, locked away and out of Tomura’s reach. Now, he can’t ask his Sensei for advice or support, not anymore. Even knowing what little you’ve gleaned about the strange man, Tomura must be devastated by his loss.

“I’m sorry,” you tell him, genuine in your sympathy.

Tomura nods and fishes for something in the pocket of his trench coat, lifting a thin slip of paper out and showing it to you. “Here,” he sighs, still not meeting your eyes directly. 

“Oh,” you say, moving away from the door and taking a few steps toward him. “You really did ask me here for the check, huh?”

“What else did you want?” he grumbles, his voice regaining a small slice of that familiar rasping. The question lingers and you feel your pulse speed up, your palms itching at your sides. “Or, did you want to scold me again?” Tomura continues disgruntled, and you can see a grimace pass over his face.

“You deserved it,” you confirm, taking another step, only wavering when you’re a few feet from him. “You wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn't kidnapped that UA student. Now, the kid, and your Sensei are gone and you’re stuck here. Wherever here is”

“Look at you, quite the oracle aren’t you? So, you did come here to berate me.” Tomura snaps, dropping your pay stub to the dusty floor. 

“No,” you shake your head, not wanting this to spiral out of your control, not wanting him to simply shut you out, alone on that pier, left with all of your what ifs. “No, I didn’t come here to do that. I-I...it’s just that...well...that wasn’t you. That whole plan...it still doesn’t make sense”

“How the fuck would you know what is, or isn’t, me? You said that that morning, too. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now,” Tomura bristles, closing the distance and bowing up to you. You can feel the sheer heat of him radiating against your shirt and you shiver at the sensation. If you lift your hand you could touch him, you think distantly. He’s so close...He’s so... 

You gulp, trying to quell your rising emotions. “I guess, I don’t know then.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Fine,” you say, biting your lip.

“Fine,” he repeats, no doubt thinking that will be the end of it, but you’re not finished.

“You’re better than this you know,” you tell him, eyes searching for his, not relenting your glare until he finally meets you halfway, his red eyes flashing.

“Better than what? Better than you? A half baked woman, slumming her way from mid range bar, to mid range bar. Hoping you’ll catch the eye of the right person, someone who can pluck you from all the muck and grime that you lift that pretty little nose of yours at.���

“What?” you breathe, a snarl of your own etching across your face.

“Don’t act like you didn’t know what you were doing. Fucking leading me on like that--”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You thought I’d be your ticket out, or you could wager me later for a better piece, something stronger, someone that could do something for you.” Tomura is seething, his chest bumping against yours, the red of his eyes burning as he glowers at you. 

“Tomura- I don’t know what you’re talk--”

“Stop saying that. You stupid, or something? And stop saying my name like that. Like it fucking matters. You could have had anything, you know? But...but you took it all for granted. You had the world...and then it...it’s...it’s just gone.”

He’s not talking about you anymore. Even though he’s growling and spitting rage at you, he’s not talking about you. “Shigaraki,” you begin, trying to see some way to reason with him. To bring him back to you. 

“Don’t call me that,” he groans, his head dipping, almost resting against your shoulder. “I haven’t earned...that’s not me.” 

“Alright. What am I supposed to call you?” you whisper, overwhelmed and trying to resist that urge to pull him into your arms. You’ve never seen him like this, and you don’t know, you don’t…

“There you go again, acting like you care.” Tomura scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

“I do care, you ass,” you bite, turning your head toward him and letting your voice fall beside his ear. He snarls at the assertion and presses impossibly closer, trying his best to put on a show of wavering strength, knowing you might still be bullied into backing down, into denying him. But it’s not working, no you’ve come this far and you don’t want to leave him, not like this. 

“I care,” you repeat, still murmuring next to his cheek, so near you can hear, and feel, his ragged breaths, hot against your skin.

“About what?” he grunts, moving his head from you, determined to not let you win.

“About, well, you.”

“Liar,” he spits, but his voice wavers, showing you a tiny, tiny sliver of hope.

“Am not,” you counter and watch as he leans back, those vermillion eyes searching for yours. One of his hands lifts and he ghosts the digits over the top of your shoulder, watching as you shift toward the distant touch, pulled to him, like a magnet.

“Such a liar,” he posits, fingers hovering beside your neck, twitching with want. 

“No, I’m not,” you gasp, your voice so faint, you’re worried he might not hear it. But he does and he dips his head toward you, inches from your face, lips already parted and waiting. 

“Prove it,” he challenges, his voice deepening, losing that sharpened edge at long last.

So, you shove him. 

You’re not sure why that’s your first, instinctive reaction, but it’s too late to question your motives and it sparks a crazed response from the man in front of you, snapping him out of his head and refocusing him. 

He fumbles backwards, caught off guard, his red shoes catching as he lumbers, trying to not fall. His eyes flash at you and he instantly rights himself, moving back to you. Through it all, you can hear yourself saying something. It sounds like it might have been another taunt, but you can’t focus, not when he’s pressing himself against you, his fingers finally, finally touching you. 

Tomura can’t seem to settle now that he’s gotten ahold of you, his fingers tracing over your neck, your shoulders, your face, your sides. He’s panting and gasping, his fevered exhales fanning over your prickling skin.

“Get off me,” you moan, batting at his wandering hands.

“No,” he sighs, cupping your jaw and dragging you to his shaking lips. His kiss is clumsy, almost childlike. He lifts and leans, pressing halting smacks against you, grunting when you twist from him, fighting his hold.

“You don’t deserve it,” you tell him, wanting to lance that boil that’s festering in his mind, knowing he needs the pain before he can handle the sweetness of the pleasure. The last thing he needs is love. No, not right now. Hopefully, there will be time for that later. But for now, he needs something raw and shattered, something that will let him see that it’s not impossible to pick up the pieces, that he can be whole again, he just needs to try.

He drags his rough lips over yours and you lower your fingers into his snowy hair, pulling him closer, demanding that he give you more. He gasps at the sudden shift and you slip your tongue into his mouth, tangling it with his and yanking stammering moans from him. Your lips are slick now and you use the extra lubrication to slip down his neck, leaving him trembling above you. 

You dip into each and every scar, laving over all those old hurts until he’s snarling. You leave a bruising bite against his pulse and he snatches your face between his palms, dragging you back to his lips. 

“Stop squirming,” he complains, his forehead bumping against yours, trying to keep up with your rapid fire laps and sucks. 

“No,” you laugh, fingers lacing into the lapels of his trench coat and using the leverage to drag your breasts over his hardened pectorals. He grunts at the sensation, one arm wrapping around your lower back, pinning you to him. When he finally manages to work his way free of your frantic presses, he lowers his lips to your neck, mimicking the same path you’d taken with him, his teeth nipping and pulling until your humming, giving him a thin cry of encouragement that spurs him on. 

Tomura drags a canine over your pulse and you shiver, folding into his crumpled embrace. He’s almost having to hold you upright and he growls when you slip from his arms, annoyed you’re making this so fucking difficult. 

“I said, keep still,” he reminds you, heaving you back up, lean forearms bracing you to him. You smile and lace your arms around his neck, wanting his lips again. He allows the pull, loving the contrast of your plush skin against his. He’s a fast learner and this time, it’s his tongue taps and maneuvers for entrance, swallowing down your needy pants. His nose presses into your cheek and you cup at his jaw, stroking the warm skin until he slows his frantic pace, meeting you halfway, and lingering in your wet softness.

Then, just as he’s getting comfortable, you dig your teeth into his lower lip, pulling until you bleed out a little taste of copper. He snarls and shoves you away, lifting the side of his hand to his injured mouth. 

“What was that for?” He snaps, tapping his fingers against the wound, watching as they come back red. “The fuck is wrong with…” His ire stutters to a halt when he catches sight of you. 

You’ve already slipped your shirt over your head and now your fingers are twisting until you unclasp your bra, sliding the lace down your arms. The cool air makes your nipples tighten but you don’t attempt to cover yourself from him. Instead, you arch an eyebrow at his abashed expression and begin to unbutton your pants, your fingers teasingly lingering over the button and zipper, before lowering the denim down the curve of your hips. 

You don’t even hear him approach. No, you’re too distracted by your little show to notice him until you feel those warm fingers tracing over the newly bared swells of your skin. You lift your head and your eyes catch his, smiling at the hazy hunger that’s blazing out at you. His touch is tentative and you roll your eyes openly at him, lifting your own hands over his, pressing him until he’s digging those four digits into your sumptuous flesh. 

His thumb rubs over your pebbled nipple and you reward him with a low moan, your eyes slipping behind your heavy eyelids. He cups at your other breast and lifts the weight of you into his palm, openly marveling at the feel of you. Still, it’s not enough and if you’re going to get your point across, you need him to give you more than these lazy strokes. 

“Take off your jacket,” you tell him, stepping away from him, quaking minutely in the loss of his warmth. 

“What?” he asks, clearly too overwrought to hear you. So, you help him along. Your fingers snatch the shoulders of his trench and you yank it off him, tossing the fabric down to the gritty floors. Then, you shove at him again. He isn’t as taken aback this time and he rallies immediately, snatching at you and dragging you against him, making you gasp at the harsh sensation of his dark clothes against your bare front. 

“What do you want?” you ask him, licking your tongue along the underside of his jaw, listening to his shuddering breaths. “What do you want to do to me, Tomura? Come on, I know you’ve got some idea. Fucking show me. Don’t let me boss you around, unless that’s what you’re wanting today to be about. I can take those reigns from you. I’m better at this after all. Less...flustered,” you pause, sucking and nipping at his neck, enjoying the indecisive flex of his fingers on your upper arms.

He allows you one more bite and then he’s tossing you down, not caring where you land. Thankfully, you sprawl over his discarded jacket, the fabric sparing you from the neglected wooden floor. You’re trying to regain your bearings when you hear his belt clatter to the floor. You look up at him, watching as he flings that dark shirt away, showing you the lean muscles that you’ve wondered about for so long. God, for someone so lanky, he looks fucking good. 

Tomura smirks at your expression and swiftly yanks his pants and boxers away too, revealing something even more mouthwatering. Fuck, fuck, you think, an involuntary gasp leaving your lips. His cock is thick, pulsing and absolutely dripping with his precum. The tip is a lovely pink, curving toward that chiseled stomach of his and damn, you want to suck on it until he’s putty in your hands. 

As if he can read your mind, Tomura steps closer, giving himself a few tugs as he peers down on you, imperious and almost perfectly in control. “You want it?” He asks, trying to hide that sudden shift in his voice, wanting to show you that he understands what you’re expecting from him. You nod and bite your lip, looking up at him from feathery eyelashes. 

“Come here,” he requests, slowing those pulls and letting his precum slip from his fist to the floor, tempting you with those tiny droplets of arousal. Obediently, you rise to your knees, fingers tracing up his thighs, smiling at the light buckling he gives you, his calves twitching and shaking. 

You tease your way to the apex of his hips and pause, lingering along that dip of his stomach. “Can I taste you?” you question coquettishly and you adore the moan that falls from his lips. 

Taking that as a yes, you slowly lower your mouth to him, ghosting the tip of him over you. Rubbing him back and forth, painting that thick precum over your lips until they’re glistening. Tiring of this little game, his fingers dip into your hair and he grips you, hard. With one pull, he’s burying that velvet heat of his length past the ring of your lips and into the sweet cavern of your mouth. His cock swells and throbs as you lap ravenous at the hefty weight of him.

He’s salty and earthy and you let your tongue swirl over his slit, lapping into that leaking gap until he’s murmuring nonsense over you. He’s almost too big for you to take, so one of your hands lifts and wraps around his base, easing your sucks and ensuring that none of him is left out of this gift of mind numbing ecstasy you’re bestowing upon him. 

There are several veins, racing along the side of his cock and you tickle along each of them, pressing until you can feel the beat of his heart, frantic and fluttering. Soon, he begins to silently ask you for more, rutting his hips against your face, scraping himself along the back of your throat. When you heave around him he lets out a loud, elongated moan and digs in again, lingering until you’re nearly choking. 

You chance a peek up at him and are surprised to see him gazing right back, those red eyes of his clouded and muddled. His hand keeps an insistent pressure against the back of your head, demanding that you keep going. So, you pick up the pace, lapping and sucking, hollowing your cheeks until a thin line of your drool begins to trickle along your chin, dripping onto your knees.

“Can...can I…” he begins, fingers starting to tremble, his knees buckling. No, that’s not what you want from him. You shake free of his hand, letting him slip from your mouth, and he stammers and sputters at the loss, his eyes narrowed and dark, glaring at you with a raw frustration. 

“No,” you tell him, keeping one hand on him, stroking him, maintaining that steady pressure until he’s grunting, his hips instinctively canting into the tantalizing motion. “No, you don’t ask me for anything. Yeah, I can finish you off, if you need me to take control, but it’s not going to be on your terms. If you’re wanting something Tomura, you better fucking take it. Stop asking me for permission. I’m not-- mmph--”

He rips your hand off of his dick and his fingers curl beside your ears, forcing your mouth back, and impaling you on his length, immediately gagging you on his heady thrusts. You inhale sharply, your breath catching, failing as he keeps railing into you. More saliva slides out of your lips and you falter, a weak whimper echoing around him. 

“Mmm,” he growls, holding your face as he presses against the back of your throat loving the clenching and mewls you give him. “That feels fucking good, (Y/N). Taking all of my cock, ah- fucking choking on it. You’re so fucking greedy. Don’t worry, I’ll give you more. Let’s see, what would make this even better, oh, I know. Saw it in a porn once. Put your hands behind your back and don’t move them unless I tell you to.”

Immediately, you clasp your fingers together, letting them rest against your lower back. The suspension knocks you off kilter, but Tomura braces your head with his other hand, pinning you between his palms. His dick is still lancing in and out of your mouth, scraping against your tonsils, making you swallow and open, trying to push yourself past that oppressive gagging sensation.

“Ahhh, such a good girl, now spread your legs and lift up, just a little bit, yes- right there. Better keep those hands still,” he taunts, pulling his cock out until it hangs against your lower lip, glimmering with the sheen of your ministrations. Then, he dives back in, thrusting and grinding until his balls are papping against your soaking chin. Your legs tremble as you hold yourself up and you can feel your own arousal, slipping down your inner thighs, splattering onto that dark trench coat of his. 

You’re heaving under him, grunting and slobbering trying to not fucking choke on the girth that’s being pistoned into you. He’s gasping praise at you, his white head thrown back, and his lower abdomen is rippling, letting you know he’s so, so close to spilling down your abused throat. He bows over you as he cums, spewing thick ropes of his release into you. You gulp at him, determined to let every last drop slither down your waiting throat, longing to savor everything that he’s giving you. 

True to your promise, you keep your hands clasped and you nearly topple over when he tugs free of your lips. Tomura takes pity on your wilted form and lowers himself to his knees, wrapping one hand around you and tapping twice on your shaking digits, letting you know you can relax your grip. You fall forward, and he waits above you, watching you with a mounting fascination. Once you catch your breath, you look up at him, not caring that you’re still covered in a mix of tears, spit and his cum. He smirks at your dishevelment, pleased by your open display of your wanton lust for him. 

“See? It’s not hard to take what you want, to do what you want,” you pant, still trying to gulp down a few more rough intakes of air.

Tomura sucks his teeth at your bravado, but you notice he’s having a little bit of trouble steading his own breathing and his hands are twitching as they reach for you. You hum when he cups at your dips and curves, lingering over spots that make you moan for him. As he plucks at one of your puckered nipples his eyes lift to yours and he leans close, pressing a wet line of kisses against your collarbone.

“Lay back,” he rumbles, still sucking at the hollow of your throat. You do as he says, propping yourself on your elbows, curious and waiting. He’s slowed down now that he’s slaked that first brush of pent up aggression, but he’s still got a little more to burn. You can see it, lingering behind his vermillion eyes, gleaming under the carnal intrigue. 

His fingers, so dangerous and deadly, race down your sides, falling to the juncture of your legs and dipping into the slick that he finds. He parts your folds, bracing himself over you, his lips sucking bruises into your skin. The gossamer threads of your leaking cunt run down his fingers and onto his open palm and he groans into your neck, nuzzling his nose to your skin and inhaling, deeply. 

“Does that feel good?” He asks, his voice scraping, like sandpaper, hoarse and undone along your heated cheek. Ok, you think, arching as he dips one digit into you, you can let him have that one question, especially when your mind is fogging over like this, unable to think of anything but that ache that’s pounding through your core. You roll your hips again, urging that finger to slip further and he hisses as you pull him in, your walls trembling at the intrusion. 

“Fuck,” he grunts, lifting himself to look down at you, his eyes wide with an awed marvel. “You’re so…”

“Mmm, so what?” you ask, wanting him to keep talking to you, loving rasp of his tone as it tells you such sinful things.

“So soft and warm and...God...so wet,” he replies, adding another finger, watching as you whine for him, your lower lips parting and welcoming him. He pumps the digits, in and out, at a steady rate, waiting for each quiver and ripple, trying to feel his way along, wanting to please you. 

“Can--” he stops himself, flushing as your eyes open and snap to his, a rough displeasure written over your face. He tears his gaze from yours and scowls, letting his fingers press a rougher rhythm into you, sucking his teeth at his unspoken inexperience. 

“This feels good,” you reassure him, not wanting to completely leave him adrift, knowing that he does need a little piece of guidance, for this part, at least. “Why don’t you get a closer look?” 

Tomura looks back to you and nods before sliding down your body, lowering himself until he’s face to face with his prize. His mouth drops and he licks at his chapped lips, painting a few, warm, exhales against your sensitive folds. You squirm at the sensation and he grins, leaning closer, his free hand spreading you for his inspection. 

“Is this…” his voice trails off and you can feel him wandering his way to just the right spot. When he lifts the fleshy hood of your clit and thumbs the distended pearl you gasp and shiver, your head falling back against his jacket, thumping against the floor. 

He laughs and you can feel him getting ready to swipe at you again, his thumb already slippery and near, the heat of it radiating against that sensitive bundle. “You like that,” he crows, repeating the motion until you’re writhing. “But—” he ponders, moving so his lips are pressed against you, resting on those sopping folds, waiting for you to look up at him. Once your head lifts and your eyes meet his, he lowers his mouth, sliding his tongue over you. 

“Oh,” you whisper, your hands automatically lifting and curling into his hair, threading the white tendrils along your palms. His tongue is rough and bumpy as it glides along, pausing to lap at some of your arousal. He smacks his lips at the taste, savoring the flavor before voraciously pressing back into you for more. When he pauses his explorations to give your clit a soft suck, you can’t help but flail, your back bowing and thighs tightening around his head. 

Tomura grunts at the rough treatment, prying your legs apart but not letting up on that suction, pleased he’s found something that makes you tremble to pieces in his hands. He’s always liked working you up, so it makes sense that, in this instance, he’s no different. 

His long digits are scraping into you, dragging along your quivering walls and spreading your cunt apart, leaking your arousal all over his jacket and onto his chin. He’s not satisfied yet, you’re not satisfied yet, so he keeps going, listening and watching, catching on to what makes you cry out his name, learning and adapting at an alarming speed. 

“T-Tomura,” you keen, your hips lifting, grinding yourself against his face, begging him to not stop. You feel a smirk lift his lips and his tongue begins to circle and lick over your clit, maintaining a steady pressure. Meanwhile, his fingers have latched onto something delicate and spongy within your pussy, repeating an arched gesture, curling and uncurling as they stroke your budding flames higher. 

“So good…” you murmur, hardly able to form the words as you feel that all encompassing tingle race along your bloodstream. “You’re doing so f-fucking good.” 

In response, he begins to suckle on your clit, lightly tracing a canine over the pulsing bundle and that’s all that it takes. Your head dips back, pressing into the floor so hard that your neck arches with your back and your legs wrap around him, holding him to you as you quiver and shake under him. You can feel your heartbeat as you return to yourself, thumping a rapid beat over your breastbone and radiating out to your fingers and toes. 

Tomura, for his part, hadn’t stopped lapping at you, his tongue replacing his fingers as he pushes the wet appendage into you, soaking up each wave of your release. Even when you’d dropped your death grip, your legs and arms flopping away from him, boneless and shaking, he’d kept on. After a few minutes of this, his lips suddenly feel a little too ragged, the chapped skin scratching against your sensitive, overstimulated, flushed lower lips. You do your best to wriggle away, but he stills your movements, not quite finished. 

“Ah- that...it’s starting to hurt,” you grouse, pushing a hand against his bowed head. That declaration seems to get through and, finally placated, he gives you one last lick and lifts his head, his eyes glinting down on you, dark and mischievous. 

“I want to fuck you,” he tells you, wiping a hand across his mouth, dragging the last of your essence away. You tilt your head and grin up at him. “So fuck me,” you reply, spreading your legs again, making room for his trim hips.

“Not like this,” he qualifies, his eyes hooded as he runs a hand along your leg, enjoying your skin, warm and pliant under his palm.

“Then how?” you ask, a little bewildered by this shift in attitude. Tomura leans up, resting on his haunches, leering at your nakedness, another smirk lifting his lips, arching that scar.

“Stand up,” he instructs. 

You pull your legs away and slowly rise to your feet, waiting for him to do the same. Once the two of you are eye level again, he tugs you to him, his lips pulling and nipping at yours. You can’t help but melt into his persistent touch and when he feels you slacken against him, he starts to push you backwards. He walks you slowly, carefully, but once your back touches the cold wall, his caresses become rougher, more insistent. 

He’s lifting your chin and his teeth are doing more biting than nipping, pulling at your lips until you’re gasping and swollen. He begins to lift away and you protest the movement, but his hand presses into your chest, shoving you back to the wall. You freeze at the forceful treatment, your eyes opening and fastening onto his. Waiting for his next move.

Tomura’s regained that wild look, his eyes hardening, sharpening like ruby slips of flint as they linger over you. “Turn around and brace your hands against the wall,” he commands and, for an instant, you debate pushing back, challenging his order, but that’s not what you’re here for. No, you’d come here with one thought in mind. 

To see if you could show him what choices, what strong inner drive, wholly independent of his Sensei, he did have. 

You’d watched that kidnapping debacle and all you could think about was how much better, how much stronger he’d be if he could just get out from under the thumb of that man, that voice on the tv. Even with this informal exercise of your own, Tomura had taken to your carnal lessons like a fish to water. He had always been a natural born leader, someone who cultivated and demanded change, he just needs a chance to try. A chance to prove that he didn’t need to ask permission, to ask questions. No, he only needed to act and he could make his aspirations a reality. 

So, you turn, splaying your fingers against the wall and waiting for his next move, tilting your head, wanting to see him. He runs a calloused hand over the plush swell of your ass, kneading the skin and stepping closer. Once his hips are flush with your posterior, he ruts his newly re-hardened cock against you, his ever copious precum aiding his motion, letting him glide between your cheeks, easing into that cleft. You groan and press back, wordlessly asking for him to keep going. 

Suddenly, his palm smacks against your ass, stinging the flesh and sending a sharp crack around the barren room. “I said, push out more. How am I supposed to fuck you when you’re plastered to the wall like that?” Tomura questions, his voice deep and guttural. You brace your hands against the peeling wallpaper and jut your ass out, presenting yourself to him, quietly hoping he’ll reward you with another spank. Pleased, Tomura does just that, his other hand lifting and smarting against your other, neglected cheek, imprinting his mark on you, even if it’s only for a brief moment, and his fingers linger on the warmth he’s raised from your skin. 

“Good girl,” he groans, taking his cock in his hand and searching for that weeping entrance to your waiting pussy. You aid him as best as you can, arching your hips until he finally, finally slips into you. Tomura lets out a deep sigh as your cunt devours his cock, slicking him into the heat of your rippling channel. “Oh, fuck,” he moans, pressing until his hips are flush with your ass, grinding his bony hipbone into your supple softness.

He gives you a brief second to adjust before he bows his head over your shoulder, panting and grunting. “Hold on,” he gasps, slowly pulling his hips back and then ramming his straining cock back into you. You mewl at the sudden ferocity of his thrusts, your head dipping against the steady weight of the wall. 

He offers you no reprieve as he pounds into you, his teeth latching onto your skin, sucking and drooling, losing himself in you. His balls tap against your swelled ass and you moan when he traces one hand around you, his fingers seeking your clit and pinching at the nub. 

Your teeth begin to chatter, but he doesn’t let up, maintaining that mind numbing pace, pressing and grinding until you can’t fucking think straight. He’s completely untethered and he slakes out all of those pent up questions, feelings, hurts and wants against you. After a time, he begins to murmur things to you, finally sucking up his loose tongue and resting his chin on the mess he’s left on your skin.

He’s worried he can’t do it. 

He’s never been alone, not like this. 

Sure, he has the others, he has Kurogiri, but it’s not the fucking same. 

He needs to see this through. 

He wants to, he has to.

Where do you go, when there’s no one else to turn to?

It’s like a confessional, this rutting he’s doing and it’s bleeding all of those thoughts away, letting them pool against the front of his mind and then, pop, they shift away. 

Oh this helps, he thinks, loving how you’re fucking taking him, how much you fucking need him. He can’t let you go. He can’t, he won’t. You’re all he has left. After all this, he can’t lose anything else. No, you were right, he’s gotta start taking things, snatching up pieces until he becomes this unstoppable force, greater than his Sensei, greater than All Might, greater than all of them. Yes, yes, yes, when he has you like this, everything else feels so fucking simple. 

He’s slowing, his hips beginning to stutter and press erratically against you. There’s no need to worry about you cumming for him, not when you’ve already broken around him so many times in the last few minutes. No, the second he started panting all of those thoughts against you, you were lost, your cunt gripping him so tightly you were worried it might never let go. 

Finally, with one last thrust, Tomura grinds his hips against you, his cock swelling and pulsing as he spills himself into you. The sensation of his cum splashing against your walls hurtles you over that edge one last time and you almost collapse, your legs shaking so badly you can't support your own weight. The only thing that prevents you from falling is Tomura. His arms snake around your waist and he holds you to him, his forehead resting heavily against your shoulder, sticking to your skin. 

After a long beat, Tomura pulls himself out of you, grunting at the loss of your warmth and sinks to the floor, dragging you with him. Naked and gasping, the two of you cling to the other, waiting for the world to stop spinning as you come back to yourselves. Tomura recovers first, tugging you to his chest and wrapping himself around you, his chin perched on the familiar slope of your shoulder.

“You didn’t...you didn’t need to do this, but...” Tomura halts, his voice soft as his lips press rough kisses to your skin, silently saying what he really means, what you mean to him.

“That’s not true,” you counter, turning your head toward him. “You deserve to make a choice for yourself. You’re your own boss now. Now all you have to do is act like it. Don’t make those mistakes again. You call the shots, not your Sensei, not anyone else in the League, just you. You’ll have other choices soon, so don’t doubt yourself, it’s not like you.”

He huffs out a laugh and buries his nose in your neck, inhaling your scent as he licks at a rising bruise. “I don’t think you’ll like my next choice,” he rumbles, one hand drifting over your side and cupping the soft mound of your breast.

“That depends on what it is,” you smile, your eyes closing at the tempting touch.

“Mmm, do me a favor,” he begins, nipping at your earlobe. “Get on your knees and open your mouth. You looked so fucking pretty when you were sucking on my cock, I wanna see it, one more time.”

“What?” you question, absolutely incredulous, “again?”

“Do as I say (Y/N),” he replies, rubbing his rising length along your ass.

“God,” you gasp, bucking at the sensation, “what have I done? At this rate, I won’t be able to walk for a week.”

“You’ll like it,” Tomura promises, his voice dark, “I’ll make sure that you do.”

Notes: never have i ever liked that kidnapping bullshit. i guess it lets AFO face off with All Might, but for Tomura’s development? it makes no sense and he’s never done anything like that again, in canon. so, uh, yeah. booo kidnapping scheme. 

Tags: @spicy-skull, @xwildskullx, @yixxes, @ghstmthr, @rekoii, @diaouranask, @bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love

[jaesvelvet]

jealousy jealousy — kim junkyu

words: 1.7k words

warning: grammartical errors,idk what i write does it make sense? reader being insecure!

pairing: junkyu+fem reader

notes: i want to publish my jihoon's ff but i haven't finish it yet since my school is starting soon😭 anyway this ff inspired by olvia rodrigo's song, jealousy jealousy (remember you're beautiful just like the way you are!!!🤍)

you couldn't help but grinned as you step into the famous YG building. it feels like a dream come true. you used to be a trainee in a small company for 5 months before decided to left, you realized that you didn't have the talent to be an idol, you're just average on everything, that's all. you gasped when you saw a huge screen in front of the escalator playing blackpink's mv on the screen. YG is that rich exactly like the news said.

"y/n!"

you turn, grinning widely at junkyu, who from the convenience store with some snacks on both of his hands. you waved at him and junkyu laugh in response

"i'm sorry for being late," he said, handing some bread to you

"no it's okay i just got here," you said

you and junkyu are best friends since high school, you're the one who supported junkyu's journey to debut, and junkyu was grateful to have a friend like you, junkyu always convince you to audition at YG but you refused since you now want to focus on your studies. but after junkyu accidentally saw a book full of lyrics song at your desk, he forced you to record one of the songs in his studio and release it on soundcloud so junkyu could promote the song to his fans.

of course, you reject the offer saying you can't sing and you don't want any attention in the university. a medical science student releases a song on a soundcloud, out of the blue, and treasure junkyu promoted her music?? no way!

however junkyu being junkyu, he didn't give up and keep encouraging you to record one of your songs, you didn't need to prepare anything just bring the lyrics and yourself, and the rest, he will work on it. after weeks tried to convince the you, you finally agreed with one term; which is junkyu need to buy you food. a lot of food.

"okay so here it's my studio, um it isn't something to brag about since half of the members have their studio," he said, opening the door of his studio showing his messy studio with a big portrait of treasure on the wall.

"you should clean your studio if you want to impress a girl kyu" you joked, getting a whine from junkyu mumbling that he would never see the world again if he brings a 'girlfriend' over.

junkyu pressed something on his keyboard and bass sound came out, making you flinch, the instrument that junkyu creates is mellow and kinda strident? as soon as you heard the instrument you know which lyrics from your lyrics book would go along and make a perfect song

"i have a perfect song for this" you excited, taking out your black notebook and turn to a back page—clearly the lyrics are fresh from the oven.

"okay i'm gonna play it and you sing the lyrics okay?"

you nodded and sing a little bit of the lyrics

"i kinda wanna throw

my phone across the room

'cause all i see are girls

too good to be true"

"woah! it's perfect" junkyu gasped, amazed at how the instrument he made suits perfectly with your lyrics. you smile, you didn't suprised much since you know how much passion junkyu has in music.

"okay now you eat first, i'm gonna rearrange the lyrics to suit with the melody," he said and get a nod from you. you eat the bread that junkyu bought for you, you also eyeing the studio, it's kinda cold in here cause the space not too big and they put a big ass aircond on top of you.

junkyu notice your quiver, he rolled his eye when you only wearing a thin black shirt material, he scoffs before handing you his pink hoodie that he left in the studio yesterday.

"i won't turn off the aircond so you must wear this hoodie, it's been a week since i wash it," he said in a teasing voice, you frown yet you have no choice to wear the pink treasure hoodie or else, you're gonna die in this cold studio.

you sigh in relief when the hoodie warms your cold body, you side-eyeing junkyu who looks so serious rearrange the lyrics, you then click on the instagram icon, you felt blue as you saw haeri post on your feed— haeri is a popular rich girl in your university, you and her once assigned in a group for an assignment and she is very kind and open about her opinions, she also very serious when it comes to study/work and she is pretty, to your eyes she is like a goddess. she is so pretty, kind, and selfless, and you really lying if you didn't jealous of her. she has a perfect life and you still struggling to get a diploma.

you slowly pressed the screen twice, liking a picture of haeri; wearing a beanie and a mask in a cafe without posing too much, getting 2 thousand likes within 1 hour. you wonder how is it to be like a rich popular pretty girl in university? well, damn sure you will get all of the pretty privileges in your life. you sighed as you realized you're comparing yourself again with haeri. you always remind yourself not to compare yourself to anyone since you're beautiful enough but you can't. the funniest thing is you and haeri didn't even know each other, yet you being so jealous of her life. sometimes you just feel small, you want to be like them.

"y/n!" junkyu shakes your body making you slap his hand

"what!?"

"i called you for like thousand times! you didn't hear me?" junkyu said, stroking his hand that got slapped by you

"oh i'm sorry, im zoning out, you're done rearranging?"

junkyu nodded

"you can listen to the instrument and practice your lyric with it," he said

"okay"

an hour passed, you finally get the tempo, beat, and rhythm right, you grin excitedly as junkyu put the headphones on your head and directing the microphone to you

"you ready?" junkyu asked

"yes i am" with that, junkyu clicked on something and you could hear the instrument, you begin to sing the verse of your song choice.

i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room

'cause all i see are girls too good to be true

with paper-white teeth and perfect bodies

wish i didn't care

you stop singing and look at junkyu curiously making junkyu paused the song and look back at you with a confused look

"why?"

"doesn't singer usually stop singing for producers fix their mistakes?" you asked making junkyu giggle

"yes that's true but you didn't have any mistake, you're doing good, i will pause the music if i have something to fix" he explained, getting an 'oh' from you. you continue singing the song.

i know their beauty's not my lack

but it feels like that weight is on my back

and i can't let it go

com-comparison is killin' me slowly

i think i think too much

'bout kids who don't know me

i'm so sick of myself

i'd rather be, rather be

anyone, anyone else

my jealousy, jealousy started followin' me

started followin' me

as you singing the song that you wrote, junkyu couldn't help but wonder who is the person, you dedicated to? or how you inspired to write this song? this song is obviously about your insecurities about some girl, and you don't even know her! junkyu pout when you felt like this, he knew how insecurities could kill you, back then when he was a trainee he felt insecure with all of the trainees that beat him to debut, he felt he doesn't belong in here but with you and his members on his side, he gained confidence and prove to the world that he is himself and nothing can change that.

all your friends are so cool, you go out every night

in your daddy's nice car, yeah, you're livin' the life

got a pretty face, a pretty boyfriend, too

i wanna be you so bad and i don't even know you

all i see is what u should be

happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy

all i see is what i should be

i'm losin' it, all i get's jealousy, jealousy

you remove the headphone as soon as the instrument stop playing, you handing the headphone without noticing junkyu's face, chaeyul grabbed the water bottle and drink, her throat felt dry after singing a whole song which you have never done in your life, making you wonder how did singer voice so stable when singing live?

"kyu—oh my god why are you looking at me like that?" you take one step back as you saw junkyu looking at you with frowns on his face, you bit her lips was your singing that terrible?

"sit down here" he ordered, you quickly took a seat beside him without saying anything

junkyu grab your hand and rubs it softly while looking at you with his brown eyes.

"what you see is all fake y/n. she living her best life is what you see what you want, but you didn't see her pain, how hard she must through a day in her life, we didn't know if she struggles behind, you also know you can't compare yourself to others right? you're beautiful" he said

"but, i don't know kyu. i couldn't help but felt all jealous of her, i feel like a total loser" you said

“no y/n, you're not a loser! hear me out, you do great, you beautiful and an amazing person, so why do you need to be insecure to a person you never know? everyone is beautiful on their own, you're an original version of yourself and no one else could be you. you are special and unique, you wouldn't know if someone is jealous of your life, a successful medical student who has a great voice. you need to love yourself more, let yourself shine in your spotlight. trust me popular life wouldn't great as you think" he said

you smile at his words

"thank you kyu, honestly, you're right.i didn't appreciate myself enough this past week, hearing you said that making me feel great about myself, i am me, there's nothing anyone could change about me"

junkyu smile and pat your head

"that's my girl"

[thisdreamplace]

What is your biggest realisation recently? Hope you’re doing well! 🤍

omg this question is so interesting. Where do I even begin?? this is gonna be a long one.

My biggest realization lately is I’ve been playing defense. lmfao Yesterday I was watching my current kdrama, When The Camellia Blooms, and the female lead came to this realization. And it made me realize the same about my approach to the law.

I just recently finished a 30 Day manifestation challenge. And idek how I feel about posting my experience because it’s a lot. It took an unexpected turn towards the end and I’m not sure if it would help anybody to share what the experience was like. Like... it might? idk I mean, it helped me come to this realization so.

But anyway, back to my realization. I read about life on defense vs offense and this is what I found:

“Playing offense means you’re taking action. You’re taking initiative to do something to get what you want. Playing defense means you avoid taking risks. You’re protecting yourself and you’re saving your resources and energy for a coming ‘tragedy.’“

Was I taking initiative by applying the law? Yeah. But I have fully seen now that I have been using it defensively. I use it in a very cautious way. I’m scared to be bold sometimes and decide, because I take it too seriously when things don’t come to pass. I mean, I thought I was doing great because I haven’t given up yet. But so? I haven’t been using my power to it’s full extent. I was still living from a victim mindset. Point, blank, period I was living life in a safe zone. I had all these moments where I sat there crying because I thought “but I’ve been persisting! I’ve been trying!” While looking at the world like it’s a war. Me against the world. Meanwhile, it’s me against me. Because if I want to see change, I have got to be the one to change.

I actually became angry with myself after this realization. Not in a bad way, but in a motivated way. Like I’m tired of taking no for an answer. I’m tired of playing it safe because my feelings might get hurt if something doesn’t come to pass. Like boohoo. You get up and you try again, you don’t backdown. Because who are you backing down to? No one but yourself. Even when it comes to everyone is you pushed out, I’m tired of thinking I could ever be below someone or not good enough. I’m tired of thinking I am an option, when I can just decide there is no other option. I’m tired of letting these thoughts come up and I act like I can’t change them. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not God of my reality, because it’s comfortable to leave things up to chance sometimes. I’m tired of pretending like I can be hurt by another, as if they aren’t just a mirror. I’m ready to play life on offense.

I realized I used this knowledge sparingly because you know, it was weird to think I am God. Without realizing it, I didn’t want to impose on others. Gag is, I already am imposing on others. People can’t help but mirror me, they have no choice. So why would I walk around here down about it? It’s literally the silliest thing ever. If I want to be chosen, I am chosen. People simply have no choice anymore. Why was I giving them choices? Because I was living life defensively. I gave myself a margin for failure. As much as I thought I had faith in the law, I really didn’t. I wanted to keep one finger on the old story, just in case. But Neville says you have to die to the old man completely. It can’t be one foot in, the other foot out.

Plus, I honestly see myself as a damsel in distress lmaooooo I can admit this even though I’m not so proud of it. I have such a “please come and save me” mindset. But how can a mirror ever save me? How can a reflection literally reach out to me first? I have noticed even when I manifest things I want, I still have the audacity to be filled with undesirable thoughts and feelings... oh yeah. It’s because there’s literally no one to change but self! What the hell was I even thinking for these past few months. Like this shit has me gagged. LMFAO. I like the idea of being taken care of so much. But fully, I need to take care of myself first. Forreal this time. Not in a fake way, where in the back of my mind I’m like “I only have to live this way till I get my manifestation</3″ LMAO. I am my manifestation. My mirror will surely show me my mental efforts. No more excuses.

I suddenly am very tired of this victim way of thinking. If I am going to give this a shot, I need to give it a full fucking shot, you know? Not in this “ankles in the water” kind of way. But I need to dive the fuck in, head first and not care about the rest. It’s time to stop acting like a victim to the law. I am the law. I am God and the law works because of me. It’s time for me to start acting like it.

lol idk if this is gonna be interesting to anyone. But it was nice to talk about it. So, thanks for asking. I hope you are doing well! 💖

[compassionatereminders]

Hi kat, it's so nice to be able to send you things again! I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I've found myself in a few tough spots recently and I found myself asking what you'd say to me about it, what would my friends say to me about it, what would my partner say? And tbh it's made me realize I'm easily manipulated, especially when it comes to thinking that maybe I'm overreacting to things. There's someone in my life who is really egotistical/ self centered, manipulative and down right mean when things don't go their way. I hit a breaking point, and I reached out to my support system for help. We're all working together on harm reduction right now, and then we'll be getting me the heck out of here. This person weaponized my post traumatic stress disorder to try and win an argument, and works with vulnerable people, and has supposedly passed 4 vulnerability checks, so they knew what they were doing with it. I regret ever giving them the information. They're being nicer now, but they're still doing passive aggressive stuff and I can't help but think it's supposed to be punishment for going against them. Like for example, they told me they can't stop in the middle of their laundry, yet haven't done laundry in 2 and a half days. To me, that's stopping. They would've been done yesterday had they continued. (They had 18 loads they wanted to do. It's going on a week of laundry, with the pauses because they leave their clothes in both machines) I had gotten upset because majority of my pants (and some other things) seriously needed to be washed and it would've been only one load (at most 2hrs. More like 1hr 10 minutes) and they lost it and told me to get out because I thought my laundry was more essential than theirs. Idk about you, but one load of laundry with clothes every week as opposed to 18, feels pretty priority. Especially when I can't do anything until my one load is done, and they can very easily continue working without said 18 loads of laundry. I get they may have a compulsion to get it done, but I don't think I'm wrong on this one. Their solution to this issue was "I'll buy you more clothes". Like.. First of all no? That isn't the issue here? Secondly I don't want to just buy more clothes every time you're using the machines & I need them, even if I had the disposable income for it-which I do not. Lastly, I'd have more clothes but they owe us $45 and haven't offered to payback a single cent. That's kind of a big dip for us, since we coupon for our groceries. $45 is a week worth of food. $45 is a new outfit. It's.. a lot for us. It's not as though they don't have the money to pay us back either, they make twice the amount we do in the month, and just applied for another position for more disposable income.. But me saying "Hey actually I do need to do laundry and it can't wait" prompted them to tell me to "pack my shit and go". We were already looking at different places, just browsing. But now I think I'll be setting up a viewing if I can, and actually packing up my stuff again. Everyone I've talked to is furious about it, and if I wasn't still dealing with the whole PTSD thing, I would be too. Sorry about this impromptu vent-all this to say that your blog's inspired me to make better choices for myself, and to recognize when people actually aren't good for me.

I'm glad you're realizing you aren't being treated right and that you've decided to act on this knowledge. That makes me really proud of you. The situation you describe here is truly absurd. There's absolutely no valid reason why you shouldn't be allowed to do ONE load of laundry in between them doing 18. Especially not if they haven't worked on it in several days! I'm so happy you plan to get out of there. What this person is putting you through really isn't fair or rational.

[honeyymistt]

hi honeyy !! weight anon here idk what to call myself or if you remember me lol

tw-weight, body image, fasting

i’m really sorry i forgot to add one to my old ask btw, i don’t really use social media that much so tws are a new thing to me and totally slipped my mind. i really hope i didn’t trigger anyone who read that without knowing what it was about and i’m so so sorry if i did.

okayy so it’s been like a month (feels like soo much longer omg) since i asked you for advice and i lost four pounds! not really in a good way though. when i first read your reply to me, that motivated me SO much for the first week, i did like 5 yt workouts everyday and ate super health/drank water, then just gave up after a couple days and sat in bed being sad and lazy and hating myself because i didn’t lose even an inch off my stomach or thighs. i made your replies to me my homescreen lol cuz it made motivated and happy when i read it but i hadn’t for a while, so i read it again then and that just made me feel a lot better and was one of the things that got me out of that (the other thing was a job !!!!! i started working at this super cute place !!!) and then i started being healthy and working out again. but then idek what happened, but mid last week i just randomly decided to go on a water fast so i did that until saturday night but i really really could not bear it so i let myself eat again. and sunday was okay but today and yesterday i just binged like crazy and i feel so gross and fat and ugly and i haven’t worked out at all. something i realized on saturday is that the reason people who lose weight healthily keep it off it because it takes them months right ? so through those months the healthy things they’re doing start becoming habits and then they don’t gain that weight back. so then i was like okay i’ll lose weight healthily(before, my primary goal was to lose it super fast before the summer so i can be pretty again and health didn’t matter as much) and learn how to be confident in this body, and sunday i was trying to be positive and whatever but yesterday and today’s binging made me upset with myself i wish i controlled myself lol. the only reason i’m not as upset as i would’ve been before is because i only gained like half a pound from that. i have such a toxic mindset and it’s soooo hard to break !!! i’ll keep working on it though. anyways, my job is making me organized and happier which hopefully will motivate me to workout and be healthy too so i’ll update you in some time if you want !! ily 💕

oh my gosh hi!!! i'm not sure if you saw my other response but i mentioned that i was thinking about the other anon and i just have to add that i was thinking of you too and was wondering how you were doing. i'm so glad to hear from you! i'm so happy to hear that you're working some place cute and fun and it warms my heart to read that you made my response your lockscreen. i mean it when i say this: reading that made me day <3

no need to worry about not including a tw. i'm new to them as well and you didn't send in with your previous message with the intention of triggering someone. we're learning together!

i think you're going through something really common when it comes to weight loss/developing a healthier lifestyle. usually the first week is really strong but then after that, it's natural to lose that motivation and just give up. i think it's really important to remember why you started and what your end goal is. maybe try writing it on a post-it note so you see it often or create a vision board!

you're absolutely right about how weight loss (and keeping the weight off) takes a long time. i wouldn't recommend going on more water fasts or crazy diet restrictions because you're likely to binge at one point and feel guilty after. the best thing i ever did for watching what i was eating was eating more mindfully and eating slower so maybe give that a try!

last thing about your point of losing weight before summer so you can be pretty again - i think this might be why you've been having a hard time. one of the other best things i did was stop correlating weight loss to beauty/being pretty and instead correlating it to confidence. if you're losing weight, i hope you do it with a positive mindset, with a goal of developing a heathier lifestyle and habits so you can live in a body that is strong and makes you feel confident. something i realized awhile ago was that even if i were to lose 5 or 50 pounds, i would just find something new about myself that i want to change. i would still be insecure. you are beautiful right now, as you are. it doesn't matter if you went from a size 2 to a size 6 because i can tell just by the way you write that you are a beautiful and kind person.

try your best to keep this weight loss experience positive rather than negative. it will take time and it will be hard but you can definitely push through it. go easy on yourself, don't go on a crazy diet and remember that you don't have to work out for an hour every day of the week. make small, manageable changes in your day and you'll make progress. you've got this! i would wish you luck but you don't need my luck to achieve your goal; i know you're going to accomplish your goal because you're strong and capable!! :)

please do update me with how you're doing, okay? i want to make sure you maintain a healthy mindset throughout your weight loss journey.

sending you happiness and a reminder that your body is beautiful as it is <3

xx, your number 1 cheerleader <3

[bomberqueen17]

firefox and i am a grouch

Well, I went back to Firefox. I’d been a big mozilla/firefox user back on Windows but I got a Mac starting in like, ‘04, and we didn’t know any better back then and Safari seemed fine and Chrome harmless because Google’s motto used to be “Don’t be evil” and anyway. Been on Chrome for like a decade now and it crashes every time I leave my computer plugged in more than three hours, and so when I woke up this morning to it crashed again I was like, fuckit. I’ll switch back to Firefox.

But of course, that means I lose whatever tabs I’ve got open. So there were a bunch of AO3 comments open I was going to reply to, and some DW entries with comments I was gonna reply to from like, months ago probably, and I also had a pile of tabs about research for various novels I haven’t worked on in uhhhhh longer than I care to admit, and anyway.

Firefox seems fine but so far it has totally failed to let me use a verification code to log in-- it said “invalid parameter: state” when I entered it, and then the only option was to send the same exact code again to me. So I closed the window, and went to the login window and it let me log in just fine without any kind of code, so uhhh I guess that’s a whole sham. Then immediately it was like “let us text a link to Firefox to your phone!” so I was like ok sure and typed in my phone number, and it was like “ta-da, we sent it!” No, you did not. I re-checked the number, and it was correct, so I hit the “resend” button and the exact same absolutely nothing happened, so. I’ve given up on that. It’s dumb anyway, you could just go to the app store and download it, having the direct link isn’t even useful, and I’d say that was just them getting your phone number to sell except it’s sort of their whole gig that they don’t so now IDK what that’s for.

I installed Facebook Container while I was setting shit up, because I do not have the discipline to log out myself. I just don’t use Facebook on any device but this one-- it’s never been logged in on my phone. It’s not that I think Facebook is going to like, have me murdered or whatever. It’s just that my data is worth money and I don’t want them to have it, since they’re not going to compensate me. Like, fuck ‘em and fuck their advertisers. I realize it’s futile to resist since i use Instagram so much and Facebook owns them, they’re still getting their money’s worth and more out of my data, but at least FB itself won’t have me. Whatever.

Anyhow. Tumblr doesn’t work in either browser; my workaround for getting to the old dash from the activity page stopped functioning yesterday. It makes my computer run like a jet engine, to use the new dash, and no images load, so I’m probably going to unfollow a lot of you who post huge image-heavy posts that don’t load and also freeze up so I can’t scroll past. No hard feelings, but some of y’all I only have one fandom in common with and I can’t just blacklist every other fandom you like... especially since y’all don’t often tag the gifsets with what fandom they’re from, so it’s not like i even know. Anyway, what used to just be a normal part of Tumblr is now like, an unsurvivable obstacle to using the site, so. Bummer.

(cut text= in which I am just cranky about shit)

(Yes, my Blacklist is fucking huge-- I blocked the phrase “Doctor Who” within five seconds of joining this site, believe me, and I have never once looked back, and fucking Buffy was number two, no thank you, and I still see SO MUCH content from both because y’all don’t tag shit, and Blacklist never slowed my dash down before but apparently it does now. So either the site is unusably clogged with content I am so sick of I can’t bear to look at, OR the site is unusably slow... I don’t really see a choice there, I’d rather never log in again than see that much fucking Doctor Who shit, I get that y’all love it but please keep that shit far away from me. Here’s my filthy, cranky secret: I fucking hate basically every fandom. I watch maybe a show a year, I couldn’t even get through the Untamed because I’d already watched the Witcher, see? I can’t watch that much TV. Can’t do it. I’m stuck on episode 30 and read all the spoilers and I’ll maybe watch the last 20 episodes in the winter or something. I just can’t do it. And yeah, y’all, I am on the verge of blocking Leverage, because I haven’t gotten to it yet and I have seen so many fucking posts about it I’m sick of it before I ever got to. Let me know if the reboot/sequel is any good no don’t do that, I’ll surely see eight hundred thousand posts about it on my own, and once that’s all out I’ll decide if I have room to watch it. Oh my God I don’t like watching things. No, not that thing either. I don’t care how much you like it, it isn’t about that, it’s about how I don’t watch TV and about the inside of my own brain, and nobody’s going to be able to talk me out of that, once in a while I can get it to cooperate and then I’ll watch a thing, but it’s fleeting and that’s all I got. It averages out to two miniseries *or* three movies per year, about, though there are years when I’ve not managed even that much.) (I’m going to watch a cheesy 80s movie on Saturday night for social reasons and I hope that doesn’t count because I was hoping to get to watch The Old Guard at some point and I’d hate to find I was tapped out before I got to see it, because I’m gonna get fucking sick of it if I can’t get it to Thing I Care About status in my head pretty soon.)

Oh holy shit, Firefox, we are just gonna go uncheck the “check spelling as you type” option because you can’t fucking spell, holy shit. “Unsurvivable” is a word, I just looked it up, as is “unusably”, those are words, leave me the fuck alone. Fuck, so is gifset. Christ.

So, yeah, I’m feeling traumatized because my eighty or 100 or whatever tabs are all gone, but I wasn’t using them and I wasn’t seeing them anymore anyway so it’s best to have a clean start, but I’m upset and that’s not how I function, so. Anyhow. Sorry to be grouchy, y’all can love what you love, but for the love of GOD will you please fucking tag your gifsets with the fandom, sometimes I see shit I’m even intrigued by but since there’s no tag there’s literally no way for me to ever find out what it was. But let’s be honest. I wasn’t intrigued. I don’t watch stuff.

[dontgotothenetherworld]

ap psychology

anonymous asked:  Can I request readers putting all her studying off till the week before AP exams and she starts studying an unhealthy amount, like sometimes forgetting to eat all day because of it and even made herself sick from stress over it but reader refuses to complain because she did it to herself and Lydia's just there helping her review and making sure she takes time to care for herself ect? Bonus if Reader thinks she did bad and Lydia assuring her she did fine and has an 'i told you don't moment? 

anonymous asked: Totally didn't request that bc that's my situation-

for some reason when i tried to queue this w/ the original ask, tumblr wanted to put the cut in the ask and i couldn’t delete it

this is out of date now, but i was uninspired to write for a hella long time sorry. also! i’m going to draw from my experiences w/ ap this year, and the only ap exam i had to take was psych, so that’s also going to be the case for reader :)

also, i feel like my lydia is a bit out of character? idk it’ll probably take a while to get back to the way i used to write her.

1303 words

cw: femreader. food

you cursed under your breath. months ago, months! you told yourself you would start studying for your ap exam. you only had the one exam to study for, so you told yourself that if you just did a little bit everyday, you would be fine.

but here you were, about three days until your ap psychology exam, and you hadn’t studied any of it. you had hardly even watched the videos your teacher had posted as the digital learning content. but to be fair, the stuff he was talking about in them were the last unit or two of psych, and you wouldn’t have to worry about them, because you weren’t going to be tested on them.

you groaned and dragged your feet downstairs, to where you hid your backpack. the friday weeks ago, when your school told everyone that classes would go digital for a few weeks because of the coronavirus, your teacher had come prepared. he gave everyone that showed up to class, which, granted, wasn’t that many but still- a huge packet covering everything that you had studied this year. it was some forty pages long.

okay, it was, like, thirty five because you crossed out the pages about personality and disorders. which was a shame, because those are the units that everyone takes psychology to learn about. no one goes, “oh boy, i can’t wait to learn about how to test if a baby has depth perception!” or “i can’t wait to learn about all the different types of visual illusions!” but whatever.

you flipped to page thirty five, to see how many questions you were in for. just over 250, except that’s counting all the charts as individual questions. yeah, that makes sense. one and a half pages of listing what researchers discovered what is equivalent to answering which cortex of the brain processes visual stimuli.

wait a minute. lydia was also taking psych. studying sucks, but if you could do it with your girlfriend, that’d be so much less painful.

you texted her, “hey lyds, have u finished the psych packet yet?”

”yea i finished it yesterday, why?” she texted back almost immediately.

shit. looks like you’ll have to suffer through this alone. “nvm”

you looked at the time, 1:46. damn, already? it felt like you had only just woken up. you made yourself a coffee, and set up shop on the desk you have never used in your bedroom, with laptop open beside you. you planned on googling everything, rather than going through your notes, mostly because you forgot where you put them, but this would still take ages.

an hour passed, and you felt like you were dying on the inside. if you had to answer one more question about behavioral psych, you were going to scream. behavioral psych is by far the worst part of psychology! watson and skinner be damned! people are people not some computer code! people have feelings! you can’t just ignore them! and the feeling you were feeling right now was not a good one!

you wanted to stop, but you weren’t sure if you stopped now if you’d be able to finish the packet. so you kept on going.

you went another five hours, taking five minute tik tok breaks every hour to keep you sane. you looked at the clock, and realized you hadn’t eaten anything today. you grabbed a box of cheez-its and made your way back upstairs, and went back to work. this time, you ate a cheez-it every time you finished a question, or you filled out a row in a chart.

you didn’t know when you fell asleep, but you woke up in the morning with about half the packet filled out. considering the exam was in one day, and four-ish hours, you thought that was good.

as you made your morning coffee, you checked the messages lydia had sent you. “are you doing okay? normally we talk a lot but…” “wait, are you working on the study guide?” “y/n! please take breaks! remember! you need food!” “and water!”

you sent back, “if i eat my cheez-its, and i drink my coffee while i study, then i don’t have to take breaks.”

you went back to your desk, and plugged your phone in across the room so you wouldn’t be distracted. but also because you forgot to charge it before you passed out, so it was at three percent, because apparently you had kept it open to tik tok all night, and the video just kept looping. oops.

for a while, the studying seemed easier. you felt like you had less to do, and you didn’t need to worry about getting it done in time, because you had more than enough of it. but because you didn’t need to rush, you became more productive.

you finished the second half of the packet by six that evening. you do admit, you got a bit lazy in the last few pages, but it was done!

shit. studying isn’t just writing stuff down, you have to read it over, right? you don’t really study that much.

but you decided to take an hour or two’s break for… breakfast? dinner? maybe even lunch? whatever, leftover pizza, because you had just only now just realized the intense rumbling in your stomach.

you checked your phone for the first time in hours. you were actually kind of proud of yourself. you usually were on your phone every waking hour, which was probably a problem, but you had shown enormous restraint… by spending every waking hour staring at your laptop. it’s all about choosing your battles.

you quickly dismissed some twitter notifications before tapping on a new message from lydia. “babe, i’m getting really worried about you, please call me when you see this.” you furrowed your brows. worried? about you? why?

you called lydia, and she picked up nearly immediately.

”y/n!” she gasped with relief, “don’t do that to me again!”

you felt stupid for wondering what she was talking about, but you kind of needed to know, “what do you mean?”

”you’ve been offline for hours, and i couldn’t get to you! and then when i heard what you were eating, that got me worried. have you eaten today?”

”three slices of pizza right now.” you swallowed a bite.

”is that your first meal today?”

”unless you count coffee, yeah. i’ll do better tomorrow, i promise. speaking of tomorrow, we’ve got the psych exam, and i need to keep studying. i’ll call after the exam, so like three?”

”y/n.”

”yeah?”

”you do realize this exam is online, right? and at home?”

”uh, yeah.” you swallowed.

”and you have both a laptop and a phone?”

”lydia, what are you saying?” cheating. she was definitely talking about cheating.

”i’m saying, that you don’t really need to know the definitions, because our dear old pal google can be there to help you out with those. and you’re smart, so i assume you know the concepts.”

”you think very highly, of me, my dear.” you took another bite of pizza. “so, what you’re saying is, i wasted two days studying?”

”yes, that is exactly what i’m saying.”

”shit. wait, why were you studying?”

”ugh, because i am nowhere near as good as you at being able to understand things.”

”you know, definitions explain the concept too.”

”what are you saying?” asked lydia.

”i think we’ve both wasted a lot of time studying when we didn’t need to.”

”fuck.” lydia breathed.

”yeah, we’re both idiots. do you wanna watch something on netflix? you haven’t finished parks and rec yet, right?”

”no, i just finished an episode before you called me.”

”which one?”

”season four, episode seven.”

”wait, is the next episode smallest park? we need to watch that, like, now.”

@meangirlsx @meangirlmurphy @eliza-is-confused @boredomimi @book--butterfly

[bruhkit]

2020 eoy ask meme

no one asked but i like sharing so here! also heres the link to the ask meme if u wanna do it urself b/c like fuck waiting 2 b asked questions. here’s me reminiscing on the yr of our devil 2020

Song of the year?

hmmmm. my most played song on spotify was mama mia by austin weber but idk if that came out this year uhhh... i really liked monster by kp. obsidian was very cute c:

Album of the year?

PUNISHER BY PHOEBE BRIDGERS!!!!!!! 10/10 EXCELLENT DEPRESSION ALBUM also v existential and end of the world themed- v on brand for 2020.

Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

imma have to go phoebe bridgers on this one as well. her voice just cuts cool and clean like water and her lyrics are just *chefs kiss* lov her

Movie of the year?

lmao movies came out this year? jk but tbh with covid i didn’t really get much of a chance to watch any new movies. ooo but the short “if anything happens i love you” on netflix was really good i cried like 3 mins into watching it.

TV show of the year?

the good place!!! i just remember getting really into it at the beginning of this year so much that i started saying forking and stuff lol. it’s such a cute show with such a good wholesome message about bettering urself. 10/10 would recommend.

Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you?

tbh i do not watch shows only youtube so i’m just gonna say unus annus was super cool and i lov my goofy bois

Favorite actor of the year?

BASIC ANSWER BUT IDK EMILIA CLARKE IS SOOO CUTE!!! when quarantine started i watched like all 8 seasons of got and sheesh, khalisee b so fine wtf.

Game of the year?

i am not a gamer but among us was p fun. i played a looooooottt of it. i remember there was a week where i was literally staying up every night to play among us with different friend groups lol it was fun.

Best month for you this year?

uhj. do u realize what year this was.,., lol. jk i think probably just sometime in the summer when i was j chilling with no major responsibilities and getting in call with my friends all the time and hanging with my fam. 

Something that made you cry this year?

bf might go to taiwan :(( cried abt it to him literally yesterday tho i just ew. long distance crimg. also it’s kinda funny bc in my past relationship my ex like memorized the time difference for taiwan and did long distance calls over discord for their past relationship and i was like bruh crimg i would never do that shit but here i am haha -_-. 

Something you want to do again next year?

get railed! jkjk uhhh idk ig playing games with friends more and being more social. friend groups r nice to have.

Talk about a new friend you made this year?

mmmm it’s not that we weren’t friends but max and i got to b very close friends over quarantine and it’s very cool. also sloane was v cool even tho i suck at uh. consistently conversing with people. also kennedy and alice r very cool and i like talking to them abt being degenerates lol. 

How was your birthday this year?

IT WAS AWESOMWQ!!! my friends drove and gave me gifts and i was v happy ab it :)! i got a thicc gaster keychain  which tbh is the sexiest thing i’ve ever been given. love my homies all my homies r sexy.

Favorite book you read this year?

Frankenstein was pretty good ngl some school reading kind of smacks.

What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?

hehgehghe uh. bad @ respondibg to message. bad @ being consistent with school work. i also haven’t practiced a lot which is rlly bad b/c uh. music major. quarantine rlly has me depressed out here with no effort but tbh i think i’ve been sinking into that for a while. i def am gonna need to be stricter with myself next year. 

Post a picture from the beginning of the year?

me with the homies

Post a picture from the end of the year?

my hair is short! 

A memorable meal this year?

had pad thai for the first time. it was v good.

What’re you excited about for next year?

COVID VACCINE. SEEING MY FRIENDS BRUHGHG I WANNA HUG MY HOMIES SO MUCHHCHCH. I WANNA GO TO CLASSS. I’M SO TIRED BRUH.

What’s something you learned this year?

uh that i am not insane also that i am bi. tbh i think i’ve been bi for a while i just like. hated men and didn’t ever rlly find any interest in dating them b/c all the dudes in hs are crusty. but i have a bf and it’s pretty pog so.. :P. it is what it is. 

What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?

uhhhh h h. i have a tv and i remodeled my room so i can watch my tv from my bed? idk i’ve just been home it’s the same p much.

Favorite place you visited this year?

i went literally nowhere this year fuck covid. i guess going to parks and walking around was pretty cool, also skating but the allen skate park is like. full of 8 year olds doing full on ollies and shit. lowk intimidating

If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

i’m sorry that you think you need to put up with this. and i’m sorry that you feel insane, you’re not you just need to get out of that relationship. if something doesn’t feel right you should go, also never let someone explain ur feelings to u again. u know how u feel and no amount of therapizing will make how u feel go away. that being said focus on urself bbg and maybe apply urself more to school and just say whatever b/c no one rlly cares that much. also don’t ghost people bc it’s shitty and makes people feel bad.

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

lol i dont remember if i had any. i think i just wanted to be like, happy. which i am :) i think this year i should def focus on school more and fitness bc i wanna get MUSCLE .

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Things

Was scrolling through my blog yesterday (because who doesn’t scroll through their own blog?) and realized that I haven’t done a life update/list of random thoughts in awhile and I honestly like to look back at them and be reminded of where I was in life at different times + it’s a good way to flesh out my thoughts

So! I guess we can start with law school-I have heard back from 8 out of 9 schools and I have incredibly mixed feelings, I have only been accepted to two schools, and they were two safeties, I have been waitlisted at FOUR and straight rejected from 2 (will go into more details once I have finalized my decisions). Honestly I feel like the two schools that appear to be my options right now in a weird backwards way really are the best choices (at least for my mental health and happiness) because they are in the locations I prefer by far BUT I have also felt a LOT of stress because the legal field is one that places a LOT of emphasis on where you went to school and it seems like if you aren’t at a T-14 you might as well get out now...it’s ironic because when I was applying to undergrad I was so crazy about wanting to go to the school with the best name and seem impressive and when I first started the law school process I just wanted to go where I would be happy and then I found out how much the name matters and I was like wait what no go back. BUT, the schools I have gotten into have AMAZING programs for my specific field soooo Idk, it’s all a give and a take, yeah they aren’t the most prestigious school in the world but they have incredible opportunities for what I want to do and I think that matters too. I’m going to go visit both of them in the next month or two and I’m excited

^also, like I said, mixed emotions. even though I feel like the schools I got into truly are where I will be happiest, I have been feeling a LOT of disappointment in myself for essentially feeling like I ~failed~ in my quest to get into these other schools. I am a super type A high achiever and honestly the past year has been very out of character for me. Sure on paper I did a ton of cool shit and traveled a lot and now I’m working in an impressive position I suppose but I have just felt...off. Like giving 100% of my effort to something is pointless and I have no desire to, and I don’t like that! that’s not me! at the same time I know the admissions process is literally a game. Half the time schools don’t let you in because they think they are your safety and you’re too good and you won’t actually come so they don’t want to waste their space on you, the other half of the time they really aren’t your safety and they are an amazing school but they know that even if you are good enough to get into them, then you’re probably good enough to get into other amazing schools and again, you won’t actually come. IT IS REDICULOUS. and then of course sometimes you really just aren’t good enough but I am SURE that some of my schools are playing this game which on the one hand makes me feel better about myself because wtf is there for me to do in that situation but on the other hand....WTF.

^^also, also I listened to a podcast months ago that someone here actually recommended about the LSAT and they mentioned how big of a deal your score is in determining if you are admitted to a school or not and I 100% believe it. I think my score is a large part of why I’ve had the outcome I have. And that sucks. Because my score is good enough to get me really, really good scholarships to most schools, but not quite good enough to get me into the best schools. And I want to get into those schools. Also I lost my mind studying for that test and I literally just had a bad day on the test day. I never have test anxiety but at the end of the first section I got overwhelmed and just blew it. And that’s what really kills me. I spent months studying, preparing, devoting SO much time to get a score that was literally exactly the same as what I got on my first practice exam. And it was just because I had a bad day.

But it be like that sometimes I suppose!

Okay anyway....so yeah law school things are almost done and I’m honestly really just excited to know where I will end up...also where jared will end up. So far he has been accepted to 2 PhD programs which is really, really exciting because they are HARD to get into...and I think he will get into more because he is a great candidate. It’s crazy to think that we will be long distance for at least 3, maybe 6 years...it’s crazy to even think that it would be possible to be long distance for 6 years because like wtf. I feel like an idiot even thinking that. But in all honesty we have no idea what could happen and it could be much shorter than that or maybe we aren’t even The Ones for each other but...crossing all of these bridges when we get to them. 

Keeping on the subject, living together has been really, really hard if I’m being honest. Sharing a small space with another person...sharing a BEDROOM has been rough because so much of me managing my mental health comes from alone time and having a chance to process things and recharge (also I’m an only child so....alone time). Also, like I’ve said, working at the same place is nice in some ways but it means were are together sooooooooo much of the day (not actually when we are working but on the way to work, way home, never being home really when the other one is at work because we commute together, etc.). It’s been a tough adjustment. I feel like moving in with your partner can be hard and nobody talks about it so hello world here I am talking about it.

but at the same time it sucks because I keep feeling like I Need To Enjoy Every Second Of This Right Now because we are going to be apart for 34234112412424 years

But living together aside, jared is still just as incredible and wonderful and loving as ever and I appreciate him so much

It’s also kinda crazy that we only have like 2 months left here and they are SO busy. I think we only have 4 weekends that we are both here at the same time with no other plans. Because he has 2 grad school visits, I have 2 law school visits, he has to travel for a family event, his parent’s are visiting one week, my mom is visiting one week, etc. And we still have so much to cross off of our california bucket list 

That being said I think we might take a few weeks to road trip around the west coast in may because 1. I want to travel a lot this summer and 2. we are here 3. there is so much to see out here and a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily want to take an entire trip to see in the future but places I would want to spend a day or two visiting

Think: California national parks, OR, WA, vancouver, etc. Depending on where we both end up going to school aka where the car needs to get to we have talked about driving through canada a bit/the northern U.S. (I’m looking at you glacier national park)

But it’s all very up in the air (much like our lives) so we shall see!

Food stuff....idk, I’ve felt stressed just because my anxiety in general has been high and that applies to food because food is part of my life but overall I know I am in a good place, or at least I am continuing the general upward trajectory. I was looking through old food posts on here and realizing so many places where I have come so far even in just a year. A few examples- I honestly love beer and wine (and whiskey) and I enjoy going to breweries or opening a bottle of chilly white wine to have with dinner once in awhile or ordering a fancy cocktail, and I think enjoying alcohol is fun! and normal! and for so long I told myself I didn’t like to drink because I was so scared of the calories in alcohol and how it didn’t have any nutritional value and was a ~waste~ but it is fun and social and often delicious and I don’t stress about it and I enjoy it when I want it and I don’t have it when I don’t! I think college is also just weird because alcohol use is often just about Getting Drunk whereas as you age I feel like you are more often drinking because something sounds good or because it’s a holiday or w/e. Idk it just isn’t as drastic if that makes sense. Other food things that have changed- I used to be so scared of burritos specifically and now I literally eat them all of the time because they are delicious. There are others but this is already so long so I’ll leave ya with those. 

Another related food thing- I feel like I used to be so stressed about food because I was terrified of gaining weight (I guess? I don’t even think it was that I think it was just about being in control.. but anyway) but now I feel like most of my food stress just comes from the fear of feeling uncomfortable- i.e. it’s saturday and 3pm but I feel antsy about eating lunch so late because I don’t want to not feel hungry at dinner time. I have SO much more trust in my body and I literally never worry about it changing in a drastic way because....your body does not really want to change in a drastic way unless you are doing something drastic (or it needs to change to be healthy) in the first place

wow who knew I had so much to say I’ve been typing for like 20 mins and don’t feel like I’ve even gotten into the exciting little details but I should probably stop now because SOMEONE is gonna read this and I don’t want your eyes to fall out of your head (or my fingers to fall off)

[healinglilia]

Hey! Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing! Quarantine kinda sucks, but I'm dying my hair hot pink cause fuck it. Hope you're doing alright ❤️ -bipolarcorner

hey! you have no idea how much your asks lighten up my days, so thank you for sending them ♡

i'm doing a little better compared to march and the beginning of this month. quarantine hasn't been that bad for me but being stuck at home has been a little hard. and i've been reeeally scared to go outside, for many reasons, but the virus being one of them. last week i saw my psych nurse in a long time, we went on a walk (because they can't let us in) and that kinda helped me. after that i managed to go on a walk and yesterday i took a bus to my friend's house. i was super scary, but there were like 5 people on the bus and i was with my friend so i didn't freak out!

i've also written a lot more than usually and i've drawn and experimented with watercolors! it has been really helpful to actually do something and that way i can get negative thoughts and feelings under control for a while. my anxiety has been hitting the roofs lately so i've just tried to do everything i can to manage it. actually kinda surprised i've been able to do that..

i'm having issues with my mom and other family members, and i think this quarantine has something to do with it. all of my family lives very far and i haven't seen them since january. it feels like they don't even exist but at the same time they make my head explode when i'm in contact with them on the phone. my mom needed an emergency surgery a month ago and that really freaked me out, she's okay now tho. and other health related stuff (my own and other's) has been bugging me.

i just realized i'm rambling too much, i'll stop here. i was just so happy you asked me what's up! i haven't been writing that much personal life stuff here because couple of months ago when i did that, i got a few hate messages and i felt really bad about it so i deleted all the posts i made and kept just reblogging stuff. maybe i could start writing a little more own posts? idk. i'm doing a little better than when i posted those things that got people writing mad things..

(and hey, if the people that sent me those hateful asks are reading this: i know my stories might have sounded like i was making them up, flashnews! i didn't! those things actually happened. i was in a reeally dark place and things just happened. i don't owe you an explanation, and i don't even care anymore what you said, i just want you to know that words hurt, especially if i'm in a lot of pain and can't make the right decisions. maybe think twice before you send that kind of messages to people who are suffering with mental health issues. or anyone. thanks)

thank you for asking! i hope quarantine isn't too bad for you and i'm sure your hair turns out stunning! you're beautiful! ♡

[pivitor]

Help, I have emotions (aka the dating update I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for)

So, it’s been about a month, I guess, since I signed up for OKCupid and started legitimately dating? I have a lot of emotions! I need to get them out! So you get, basically, a diary post from me. Things might get very mildly NSFW, not because I’m trying to brag or broadcast these guys and mine’s business, but because it’s important to the stories, and because it’s my blog. I’m hoping this helps me figure some things out, or exorcise some things, or something.

So, there’s been about eight different guys I’ve chatted with. There’s a cute doctor who was really dull to talk to and ghosted me. Twice! One guy who was actually from Delaware! We talked for a day, he didn’t see my response to his last message for four days, and then when he did read it, didn’t respond. Either the very first or second guy I talked to ended up being a cop; thankfully, he had basically already said that we were too far apart to date (”If you lived closer, I’d totally ask you out”), and just started trying to talk here or there, so it was easy to end that one painlessly. None of those situations bothered or upset me.

One guy I talked to quite a bit, a young guy who works in a lab in Philly, and I liked him a lot and wanted to actually go on a date with him, but we’d been talking maybe a week and a half by that point? And we had talked about going out several times and neither of us had actually made the move to schedule something? On my end, I just had a hellish schedule for a bit, and I had one more date I was trying to slot in, and then once I know when that was going to be, I was going to ask him out. Literally the day I was going to ask him out, he stops replying to me (and then posts a subtweet about how unfortunate it is that he’s attracted to men). I think I waited too long, which I feel bad about :( He still follows me on Instagram, though, which is awkward.

There’s this other guy I’ve been talking to, I’ll call him “S,” who is REALLY cute. Physically, I’m into him perhaps more than anyone I’ve talked to. But he’s ended up being a pretty boring to talk to. He lives almost two hours away, so I initially talked about coming down to meet him, but then as time passed and I realized that he was kinda boring, I was less enthused, and I haven’t initiated conversation with him in a while, but he’s still been messaging me and talking about meeting up. So it was definitely time to either meet up or call things off completely. This Sunday coming up I’m heading not too far from him to see a concert anyway, so I told him I’d come down around lunch time and we could hang for a few hours and see what happens. I’m not expecting much out of it, but maybe he’ll surprise me. And if I end up calling things off, at least I can say I gave it the good ol’ college try.

But there’s been three guys I’ve actually gone on dates with so far, and have really liked all of them. So, of course, that’s where things get complicated. I’m going to start with this guy “J.” He’s a park ranger in Philly, and I really enjoy talking to him, both by text and in person. I think he’s interesting and knows how to hold a conversation. He’s cute too, but after our first date (where we met for dinner and walked around the city a bit; I had a very nice time) I wasn’t sure how much physical chemistry we had; we were clearly into each other, but there was no kiss or anything, and only very mild flirting by text. He has more dating experience than me, but not much, so I think we’re both pretty hesitant sometimes. It took about two weeks to go on another date with him, and by the time we had the date, I had kinda assumed we would end up being just friends, and was fine with that, to be honest.

The second date started out pretty awkward. We had dinner and walked around the city again, but we only had two hours of parking where we were, so had to wrap things up pretty quickly. I was hoping he would want to go somewhere else and continue the date for a little while, but all of a sudden he sprung on me “oh, here’s my car!” and it legit startled me, and I was too thrown to suggest going somewhere else, and he didn’t either and just said “I’ll see you next time!” And we did a hug goodbye that was awkward because as soon as it became a hug I got a vibe “oh, that should have been a kiss” and got really self conscious. So it ended awkwardly, and I felt dumb, and I drove over to the Barcade because that’s what I do when I have time to kill in Philly, and/or when I’m feeling down. He ends up texting me as soon as I get there saying that he had a great time but thought that I seemed a bit disappointed, so I explained to him how I had hoped it would last longer, and he admitted that he had wanted to kiss me at the end and wasn’t sure if he should, and I agreed that I had wanted that too; long story short, he drives over to the Barcade too and we have a much nicer date over there, a really nice conversation then about twenty minutes of making out in a booth. I gotta say, public making out is very bizarre, but I enjoyed it haha.

So the next day and a half or so we have some really frank conversations about sex and what we’re looking for in relationships and all that. He admits that he’s having trouble choosing between me and another guy, and I say I’m basically doing the same thing (except he’s one of three). We all but say we’re going to have sex with each other soon. And then, three days after that second date, he texts me to tell me that he asked the other guy to be his boyfriend. So it wasn’t out of nowhere, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen that quickly! And right as I was really starting to get attached to him. I’m not going to act like two dates and a month or so of conversation is an epic romance, but it still hurt, especially the fact that he chose somebody else over me. But I also freely admit that he did nothing wrong, and if he was trying to find a boyfriend that quickly, he probably made the right choice. If he had asked me to be his boyfriend instead, I don’t know if I would’ve said yes. But, y’know, it still hurt.

We agreed to stay friends, and then the next day he texts me to say that he’s having second thoughts -- this is his first boyfriend, and he’s starting to feel like he lost his freedom (”On the first day?!” I reply back). He eventually says that he still wants to have sex with me, and is thinking of trying to open up his relationship. I’ll admit, it was tempting, but I could also see that it was a mess and I probably dodged a bullet. I told him to figure things out with his boyfriend before he started asking me about it. And he drops it. Then yesterday he brings it up again (and basically asks in a way that says “I don’t think much of open relationships but”), so at that point I tell him off. Maybe if he had already been in an open relationship when he met me, or if he had approached us both to say “I wanna date both of you” I’d have been into it. But the way he did it made me feel like an afterthought, a second choice, like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too or like I was a doubt he needed to get out of his head before he could fully commit to his boyfriend. I told him it made me feel shitty and I didn’t want to be a part of it. And to his credit, he immediately apologized, said he was selfish (a word I didn’t use, so he brought that on his own), and agreed we’d really just be friends from here on out, and he told his BF everything he had asked me and how I’d responded and apologized to him and they decided to be monogamous. So, bittersweet ending I guess.  

Except it’s still got me a little fucked up. Why does one rejection stick in my craw more than all the compliments I’m getting from the two guys I’m still talking to who really, really like me? Honestly, part of it was just that I really thought we were going to have sex. I still haven’t had sex -- J and I only kissed, “N” and I have made out a lot and he sucked me off a little, but he doesn’t have sex unless he’s in a relationship, and “P” and I have done pretty much everything two guys can do up to actual penetrative sex, so based off that and a convo we had today I’m thinking it will happen next time I see him, but it’s going to be two more weeks before I can see him again. So thinking about J having sex with his boyfriend has really got me down and frustrated. Not even because I want to have sex with him, just because I want to have some goddamn sex already, and he’s having it and I’m not. And I realize that’s petty. But that’s how I feel

Him having “settled down” also has me anxious about N and P, the other two guys, and ones I liked more than J from the start, despite my last five paragraphs lol. N lives in Philly, and we’ve gone out four times now. He’s made it clear that he’d love to date me and that he’d be my boyfriend in a heartbeat, but I have to be the one to ask at this point, because he’s brought it up multiple times and I’m basically saying I’m not ready to make a decision yet. N works in a pharmacy but is a brilliant chef who made me a homecooked meal on our first date and it was some real romantic comedy shit -- I was midsentence as he cooked and he turned around, kissed me, and said “I’d been wanting to do that all night” leaving me in an amazing daze. N and I click really well and basically spend our dates playing video games, eating, and cuddling/making out (which I love doing with him) while we watch anime, and it’s really nice. He lives with one of his best friends and her family and they’ve all really welcomed me into their lives. He’s such a kind, generous person, who I make blush fairly often, and vice versa. I could see myself dating him.

But he also describes himself as a functional alcoholic. He smokes, which I hate, but he only does it outside -- the bigger issue there is the vaping, which he does inside. It makes him taste great when we make out, but IDK what it’s doing to my health (I always feel hazy when I leave his place, but I don’t know if it’s the smoke or that I’m generally leaving really late), and I don’t like being in even the faint smoke all the time. I need to talk to him about it on our next date, but I could see it being a dealbreaker. He’s also not a great texter. We have no problem talking in person, but our text convos are pretty sporadic, I haven’t quite cracked the code to them yet. That’s not the end of the world, but I’m going to have to figure out some way to talk to him between dates if we’re not texting because having that form of communication is important to me. He knows about me growing up in a cult (all three of these guys did/do, actually) and that I’m not out to my family yet and says he’s fine with it, but I don’t think he really *gets* it and is a little frustrated that I haven’t been able to stay the night yet. I am too, admittedly and obviously, but the pressure when I’m in a really complicated situation is a little much sometimes.

P, meanwhile, is a personal trainer and music teacher. We text pretty much all day every day, some of it legit conversation, some of it just silly bullshit, but it’s fun and makes me happy. He took me to a trampoline park on our first date, and out to a terrific brunch, and we have just as easy a chemistry in person as we do by text. He’s very zen and has an intriguing outlook on life that I appreciate. He’s not religious at all but does consider himself spiritual and he’s the first person who has made that distinction appealing to me. And we have electric physical chemistry. I am just so attracted to him, and apparently, vice versa. I won’t get into all the details, but things went way further, way faster with him than I expected (I’ve done more with him than I’ve done with anyone else), and I loved every minute of it.  Again, I could really, really see myself dating this guy.

The biggest problem here is the distance. He lives about 1 hour and 45 minutes away. It’s not the worst distance by a long margin. I drive that fairly often, and have considered dating guys who live that far away before. But it’s still a big complication, especially this month, when he’s non-stop swamped conducting two school plays, and also while I’m still living at home, which means he can’t come down to visit. I’m not sure how to navigate it yet, especially as we go further into the future. IDK if I would want to live in his town, if it came to that -- It’s nice, but I want to live in Philly, and I’d be even further from Philly there than I am now. Would he ever wanna move, even though his family, his students, and the business he built for himself are all in that town? I dunno. Those are probably questions for further in the future, but they have me really anxious.

It’s probably too early to be trying to “choose,” but I’m feeling that pressure from multiple directions, some more legit than others. I purposely haven’t matched with anyone else on the app or tried talking to anyone new because I wanna resolve things with my current batch of guys before I do. Honestly? I wish I hadn’t met them all at the same time. N and P are both great guys and I’d have dated either of them, and I feel shitty that choosing one means dropping the other and not getting that chance. But I’m going to try to be patient and get to know them both better, and maybe my path forward will become clearer as I do.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. And actually? Yeah, I do feel better getting this off my chest.

[herotheshiro]

this is gonna be the third time i blog abt this manga ever but haru no noroi (the 1st 2 times i talked abt this manga were not on this blog though, they were on my main blog which i doubt any of you know and i will not be sharing it sorry. although i am most active on this blog these days lol so maybe i should just say ‘fuck it’ and reblog those posts here so i can collect all my reviews in one place). i reread it again yesterday bc i was suddenly reminded of it and this time around i focused more on the dynamics of natsumi/tougo and haru ... for example, the messed up fact that tougo just did not love haru the same way she loved him ... i mean i think it was supposed to be a mirror of what happened with natsumi and haru’s biological parents and the implication that maybe haru would do the same thing that their mom did (i.e., eventually leave the dad and also her children behind bc there wasn’t truly any love bw the dad and mom), esp since tougo did not seem to ever be developing an interest in her. but that’s still really sad esp with the later development of haru realizing that tougo liked natsumi and thus she couldn’t grab hold of him for herself, and then the later stuff with natsumi and her stepmom where natsumi was like ‘maybe ... we could become a family fr despite starting our relationship kind of distant? but no ... i can’t stay in this house anymore. my dad doesn’t approve of me’ (also just thinking abt the dad all of a sudden. while this author does write strong female characters, the men are usually fuckers with toxic masculinity traits ... like when natsumi was like ‘i’ll tell my dad i’m moving out and also dating tougo. you [stepmom] and my lil bro should go hide somewhere else in the meantime’... that’s messed up)

i think the natsumi liking tougo development was not particularly strong/obvious ... like i know them hanging out together is due to tougo’s suggestion and she’s also trying to mourn haru but honestly not too sure why she felt so strongly abt him later. i guess it’s bc they hung out together a ton over a series of months and also the ‘oh they have a crush on me. i never thought of them like that but now that that concept of us potentially being together is in my mind ...’ and also natsumi was like ‘oh tougo is the only one who knows everything abt me, stuff that not even my family and friends know’ and you know what i just answered my own question. anyway the confession scene in the hospital: i didn’t have chills or anything reading it this time bc it’s like the 3rd time i’ve read it now but i still felt something when tougo was like ‘being with you exposes my desire. natsumi, i like you, i want you’ ...... (yes i looked it up and directly quoted that from the manga. it hit me so hard the first time i ever read the scene)

again, i like this manga bc i like the similar conflicts tougo and natsumi had about leaving their toxic families/environments and forging into the future on their own terms. and also how natsumi, previously always being the unwanted one, is finally wanted and desired... (this isn’t meant to be read as a ‘oh haha romance is super important!’ but just the concept of being valued when you haven’t been before) this reread, i was a lil like ‘oh uh... right. hm’ abt the “love triangle” happening where haru basically was sadly never really an option (i guess. i mean natsumi had so much emotional turmoil over her during her first relationship runthough with tougo that you could argue that she was indeed a major part of the triangle). i read through my 2 previous reviews before writing this and it’s interesting to see the different things i focused on during those 2 reads ... the 1st time around was me just consuming the story at face-value, the 2nd time around was me focusing on natsumi and tougo as individuals that eventually come to support each other. this 3rd time i feel like i was focusing on the story again (mainly bc it’s been a long time since my last read) and the romantic relationship ... i mean when someone dies, i feel like eventually the person left behind CAN and sometimes maybe should move on to date other ppl so that’s not where i have the issue but idk. it just feels sad here bc tougo didn’t really care that much abt haru... not that he was like ‘OK I’M IMMEDIATELY MOVING ON TO NATSUMI FUCK HARU’ but it just feels bad to read ... tougo is also kind of an asshole in general but that’s another thing. and then natsumi in the end being like ‘yeah part of the reason i’m moving out is bc ppl are definitely going to talk bad abt me bc i went and am dating my dead sister’s lover and i don’t want my fam to have shit talked abt them too’ which is sad (wow i am just saying ‘sad’ so many times). i mean i appreciate that the ending isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and they’re also like ‘yeah living with you is prob not gonna be a walk in the park/will be irritating, but this is the choice i want to make’ but also a part of me is like ‘damn .....’

there wasn’t really any point to this review/write-up. i just wanted to talk abt it bc the actual reason why i got reminded of it was bc my sibling was telling me abt a book they read where the mc, a woman, found out that her husband was actually having an affair with her brother (both husband and brother are dead so she was never able to confront them abt it or anything) and i thought of haru no noroi. which was why i was thinking a lot abt the relationship dynamics this time around, but i also want to say the aspects of this story that i like and thus why i like this manga despite the kind of weird social things going on with natsumi and tougo’s relationship. i mean it’s not really problematic since there’s no actual cheating going on but it still can rub ppl the wrong way a little... it did occur to me the weirdness of natsumi/tougo before but this time i focused more on it so... interesting readthrough this time around. 

EDIT: ok i just looked at the dates of my last 2 reviews and i literally read the manga for the first time and then reread it literally a month apart. and this next 3rd read is literally over 2 years later. jesus no wonder i had a different experience this time around bc i legit did have to focus more on remembering what the story actually was

[isitandwonder]

i go back and forth with, yea the dude is dating this girl, so what. to wow its kinda funny all this is happening now right around the release of their movie. and the editor or whatever of cmbyn says that yesterday and today theyre wandering around together and shes wearing his shirt. idk, maybe its both their together and their playing it up. or its all fake. or its real. dont get it lol best to keep it light tho and realize the only real love is btwn him and armie lolol

Oh,nonnie, you asked (or maybe not lol):

What is truth? That question is keeping philosophers going since the old Greeks. Can we ever know what another person truely thinks and feels? What do we really know about people we interact with personally? We live in our cave and stare at shadows. So how can we assume anything about people we really don’t know at all?

Well, there are a few approaches. One is that you admit that you know nothing, that everything you believe (not know) is made up in your head anyway, so you can built YOUR OWN FANTASY. And it’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you stay aware that IT IS A FANTASY. You can’t prove or disprove a fantasy because it’s all in your head anyway, it’s highly subjective and made up.

And we are not curing cancer here, this is fun, so believe what you want if it helps you getting on with your life.

And isn’t it nice if you write or draw about THIS FANTASY and post it in fan spaces and find likeminded people with similar FANTASIES and you share them and a fandom grows and everyone has fun and is happy?

So, if, in this regard and context, for you, A&T are the greatest love story that ever happened, or LRD&T are the greates love story that ever happened, or Tim is secretly a shapeshifter, or a vampire, or is boning Glen Close - FINE! Knock yourself out. Believe what you want. Only, don’t insult or ridicule those who SHIP/dream/believe something else. Because no ship (aka FANTASY) is better than the other and there’s no truth to be found in a FANTASY. You either believe it or not and believe something else. It’s totally subjective and - as a FANTASY- there’s nothing wrong with that.

Trying to prove a fantasy is what leads to insanity. Believe me, it’s not that I wasn’t tempted at one point. Only, you know, I’m a scientist. And in science, when we start an experiment, we have a question or an assumption that we want to prove, not already an answer.

Because I don’t have to prove something that I know is true. You still with me? When I start to look for clues that A&T are together, lead by my knowledge (not assumption or question if) that they are together, of course I will only prove what I started with in the first place and ignore/disregard everything that speaks against my knowledge because I’ve known the truth from the beginning and will produce a narrative accordingly. This is called confirmation bias.

In that context, even the absence of proof is proof for something - and at this point, you can’t  argue with people who work like this because they have made their mind up long before they entered the argument. They had the answer before the question. For them, there isn’t an argument at all, because they KNOW. End of story.

True, sometimes the dog NOT barking is evidence. But for that to work there has to be a dog in the first place. If you don’t know that there is a dog, it not barking proves nothing.

So, again, can’t we know anything about anything? Well, there’s a thing called probability. Not all arguments are equally valid, some are more reasonable than others because we have experience, context, and from that we draw conclusions re the probability of things.

But lets first look at the evidence presented in favour of certain theories. I’ve been on this train for over 2 years. I saw a lot of the things going round in fandom and taken as proof for or against something now as it happened - and I have to say, many things got taken out of context and were blown up to much more proportian and meaning than at the time things happened. Pics have been cut in certain ways so people have been removed to make them look more intimate. Things no one has ever seen or knows anything about are suddenly taken as facts (a marriage contract, for example) just because they’ve been repeated so often by fans that they’ve been talked into existing.

These proofs are often photographic ‘evidence’. But pictures lie. And can be manipulated. What we see in them depends on lighting, angels etc. If you take a pic or vid out of context it can look as if it shows something totally different than it originally did. So never base anything solely on a single picture you didn’t even take yourself. Always ask for the context it has been taken in. Is it a fan snapshot? Is it a directed photoshoot? Has it been made during an official promo event? These things matter to determine the validity of the things show in these pictures.

For example, look at this:

Isn’t that a lovely pic of A&T? Doesn’t T look totally shagged out, bathing in the afterglow while Armie tells the world: ‘Look, he is mine!’ This is the photo as I saw it on tumblr.

This is the original:

As you can see, Tim is probably laughing at something Petra Collins says to him. This changes the whole context. And these things happened quite often in  the early days because we were shippers, we knew that we were wearing our shipper goggles, we spun a FANTASY, quite aware that what we were doing was playing freely with the facts. It wasn’t about proving something, it was about illustrating a fantasy. Taking these things now as proof for anything is absurd.

Same goes for interviews. These can be cut and edited in certain ways. Watch a whole press conference, not just the part your shipper heart loves if you want to get the whole picture (or live in the one sentence that makes your shipper heart flutter if this is just about your FANTASY).

As said in the beginning: no one on here knows these people and their circumstances. We didn’t even go to school with them, worked with them, or are their neighbours or in any direct contact with them whatsoever. So we base our judgement solely on currated content provided by them or people close to them, and public appearances that happen in a certain context like a movie premiere, and on very random public sightings by people we also don’t know and whose statements we can’t verify.

We can’t really built anything about their private lives upon these things, can we? It’s all highly speculative.

Okay, after having discussed the reliability of our evidence, lets move on to how to sort it. There is this thing called probability. In theory, everything is equally likely over an infinite period of time. But in reality, humans are able to learn from experience. And experience teaches us that some things are more likely than others.

Then there are facts. Facts are things we know to be true because they haven’t been falsified yet. For example, Armie is married. I know, there are many rumors going around about the state of his marriage, but as long as he’s not publicly divorced he got publicly married to EC and that’s the only thing we can work with. Otherwise, our already pretty sketchy footing slips away completely if we only work with hearsay, specualtion and gossip, and we end up with a fantasy again.

So, in our case: do we really think that friends, family, spouses, girlfriends, colleagues, ex-colleagues, ‘the press’ and random people on the internet are all conspiring since June 2016 together to hide that two actors - who to large parts of the world are totally unknown - are in a relationship, when, on the other hand, we have photographic evidence from multiple independent sources - and in Armie’s case even a marriage certificate and 2 children - showing that they are both with someone else?

Okay, but we’ve discussed the unreliability of photos. True. But it’s not just one cropped pic showing T with LRD. There are many, taken over a long period, by different people, professionally and privately. That makes them being a fact much more probable because why should all these people, who took those pics and reported sightings and don’t know each other and do gain nothing from their lies, lie? Isn’t it much more probable that what these pics show us is the truth?

On the other hand, what solid evidence do we have that A&T are a couple? We don’t even have one photo showing them kissing outside of a movie they made together 3 years ago. Compare this to pap and private pics of T&LRD kissing, that have been taken over a period of a year by different people. What does probability tell us here? That something we’ve never seen is more likely to be happening than something we’ve seen on different occasions, documented by different people independently for 12 months?

Isn’t it more likely that a man who’s never been seen out in public romantically involved with another man, who is married for years and has 2 children - is straight?

Isn’t it more likely that another man, who’s never been seen out in public romantically involved with another man either, who’s only other relationship the public knows of was with a girl, who - if he talks about his private life at all - talks about kissing a girl or wanting to impress a girl, who’s been photographed at different occasions by different people kissing a girl - is straight?

Leave aside what you want them to be and look at the facts, as sketchy as they are.

If you look seriously at what little facts we have - there is nothing reliable connecting A&T romantically that can’t be explained by them being friends and having filmed a movie together over 3 years ago. Everything else is subjective, projection, hearsay, wishful thinking, a fantasy, shipping, gossip, rumors.

Documented facts show us that their reality is incongruent with our ship. And if we start to disregard those facts it leads to sending hate to these very people because fans who took a ship for something real feel betrayed. So, please, sort facts from fantasy, take a look at the facts (not at projection, hearsay, wishful thinking, a fantasy, shipping, gossip, rumors) and draw your own conclusion.

What do you think is more probable when you look at proven facts? Probable, not true. There’s the possibility that I might get proven wrong someday. But, to me, all real evidence points towards T&LRD and AH&EC.

[peaceisadirtyword]

Off-Screen (Alex Høgh/Reader)

A/N: Hi! For this, I combined two requests; one from @ateliefloresdaprimavera and another one of some lovely anon that was very very similar. I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you before combining the two requests, I tried to make them separated but I couldn't :( If you don’t like it feel free of telling me and I can try and do something else for you☺️💕

I always get very nervous when posting requests because I'm afraid of disappointing you, but I really hope you like this and it’s not too boring!💜  

And thank you @ateliefloresdaprimavera and dear anon for requesting this!😘

Warnings: Fluff, Marco has a big mouth, mentions of sex, Alex is cute, he cheats on video games, my questionable way of writing.

Words: 2382

gif belongs to @scandiwood 

"And... Cut! Amazing, guys, you did it so well!" Katheryn smiled excitedly at you "It's a pleasure to work with you... Now, go rest a bit before the next scene... Where are Georgia and Jordan? We're shooting their scene now!"

You smiled at Alex getting up from your seat.

"You did well" he said, getting up with more difficulties, as he was wearing Ivar's braces.

"Well, thank you, it's an honor coming from you" you laughed, hitting his arm "I'd tell you the same but you always do it perfect, so...It wouldn't be any news"

He rolled his eyes.

"I fucked it up twice with the script... Can I go to your trailer later to go through the lines?" He asked out loud, so the extras would hear him. 

"Yeah, of course" you nodded, smiling.

"Okay, see you later" he kissed your cheek, something normal as he always kissed everyone's cheek, especially Marco's, who wasn't really a fan of that "Bye, love"

You noticed how he widened his eyes and bit his lip, worried. You just winked at him before leaving for your trailer, needing some rest after the intense scene you just shoot.

You started working on Vikings at the same time as Alex, Marco, Ida, David and Jordan, playing the half-sister of the Ragnarssons, Freyja, Aslaug's and Harbard's daughter. Given Ivar and Freyja's close relationship, most of your scenes were with Alex, so you had a very special relationship with him, being your first and best friend in there. 

You lied down on the couch, unlocking your phone and opening Instagram. Alex had posted a photo of you on set that he took a few days before, in which you were on Freyja's costume, with a blanket over your shoulders and looking at the camera, smiling shyly. You had to admit that Alex worked magic with that camera; you had dark circles under your eyes, your hair was a mess and the make up was ruined after a long day of filming, but he managed to make you look like a model. 

The fans liked Freyja, at least most of them, so the comments were full of compliments and nice things;

Omg she's so beautiful😍

I don't know if I'm jealous of her for being so close to Alex or I'm jealous of Alex for being so close to her.

Guys tell us the date for the wedding

Am I the only one who ships Ivar and Freyja a lot?? I mean, I know she's his sister and this is not Game of Thrones but... Seriously, Alex and Y/N have so much chemistry that I can only wish they are an actual couple.

The last comment had hundreds of likes, which made you blush. It was really nice to read that people liked your work and the character you loved playing so much... And the fact that they thought you and Alex would make a good couple...

If only they knew, you thought, biting you lip as you kept scrolling through the comments. 

Alex, you better make a move soon or I'll ask for her hand in marriage

Y/N is so pretty... I wish I looked like her

You frowned and immediately pressed on "reply" to write a quick message to her. 

Thank you♥️ And I'm sure you are beautiful too!

You closed Instagram, entering Twitter to find the photo everywhere. Apparently the fans thought it was really sweet that Alex shared so many photos of you. 

Please someone tell me that @y/n and Alex are already together because I NEED IT.

Just imagine how their children would be... I mean, can they have better genes??

@y/n is not only an amazing actress and a beautiful woman, she's really sweet and nice too, and I think Alex and her would be really cute together

You liked some tweets and answered to others before locking your phone again and getting up to fix your hair a bit and take the script. Alex probably would come soon. 

As you were focused reading your lines for the next scene, you didn't hear the door opening and almost yelled when a strong pair of arms hugged your waist from behind. You relaxed when you heard Alex's soft chuckle on your ear. 

"Hi" he muttered, kissing your cheek. You smiled and turned around to kiss him. God, you'd been wishing to do that since you saw him that morning, but you couldn't as the set was full of extras.

Alex hummed against your lips, smiling when you hugged his neck tightly. 

"Hello" you broke the kiss, biting your lip and smiling back to him. 

Alex looked at you intensely before kissing you again. 

"I missed you"

"You literally saw me fifteen minutes ago"

"Too much time" he whined, frowning "Besides, I haven't kissed you since yesterday"

As you had been together only for a few months, you were still in that phase where you literally needed to be together and make out all the time. 

"You made my social media go crazy with that photo" 

"Isn't the best photo ever? I think it's my favorite"

"I think you're exaggerating" you rolled your eyes, hitting his chest.

"I'm not" he pretended to be offended "Ask the fans, they think you look beautiful"

You sighed, playing with the details of his Ivar costume.

"Are we being too obvious?"

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"Y/N, I've been flirting with you on instagram since we met, remember that comment on your photo in Dublin where I said I loved Dublin's monuments? I wasn't talking about the castle or the Trinity College, love"

"Oh my god, that was the worst one"

"You loved it"

You rolled your eyes.

"So, you mean that even if we were touchy and flirty in public no one would notice because we already do that?"

"Yeah" he shrugged "I didn't notice either, Marco told me the other day, that's why I didn't wrote the caption I wanted on the photo and I just put your name"

"What did you want to write?" 

"I wanted to write that I have the most beautiful views from my office"

"God, Andersen, you really should learn better lines"

"Come on! This one was nice!" 

You chuckled, putting your hands on his shoulders to kiss him. He hugged your waist and deepened the kiss.

"We should really go through those lines, shouldn't we?" 

"Yeah" you agreed, but continued kissing him anyway. None of you touched the script, and you fucked it up several times on your next scene. 

"I don't know if I'll make it on time, love... We haven't started the interview yet and it's gonna last half an hour or so..."

You sighed, laying on your couch with the phone on your ear.

"It's fine, I can wait"

"I promise I will call you when I get out and I'll pick up the food before going to your apartment"

"Okay" you smiled softly "I'll wait for you in here... I'm going to watch the interview, by the way"

"Oh, perfect, I look stunning today"

"Shut up, see you later"

"Bye beautiful"

You hung up the phone, leaving it on the table before taking the tv control and turning it on, looking for the channel in which Alex and Marco would give the interview in a few minutes.

Alex hadn't lied, he looked too good, you bit your lip dreamily as you watched his beautiful smile and listened to his cute accent. How did you get so lucky to call this man your boyfriend?

"So, Alex, Marco, you spend a lot of time with Y/N, who plays your sister Freyja in the show... Is she as nice and pretty in person too?"

Marco chuckled and looked at Alex, letting him answer this question. 

"Yeah, Y/N is amazing, she has this... Light, you could say, she's a very good actress of whom I've learnt a lot, and a wonderful person, she's always there to help you and she's always smiling and her laugh is contagious... I feel very very lucky of having her in my life" 

You blushed, but smiled with some tears in your eyes. 

Marco was holding back a laugh.

"Yeah, Y/N is a blessing" he agreed, helping Alex to hide his excitement of talking about you "She's even more nice than you could imagine, and we spend a lot of time together, especially now that Alex and her are together and..." He froze, realizing what he just said. You gasped and your heart skipped a beat. Marco! 

Alex did an amazing job recomposing himself in seconds and clearing his throat, looking at Marco as he kept talking. 

"It's amazing to work with her, and she is really good at playing Fifa, too" Marco smiled, pretending he hadn't said anything special. 

Luckily, the interviewer noticed their reaction and changed the topic. After breathing in relief, you noticed your phone was going crazy with notifications. 

Oh, fuck. The last photo Alex posted of you was on fire.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? THEY'RE TOGETHER THEY'RE TOGETHER MARCO THANK YOU 

I don't know why all of you act so surprised, I mean it was obvious

Marco is their shipper number one

OMG I KNEW IT 

ALEX POST MORE PHOTOS OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND

Guys, calm down, maybe Marco said that only to hide that he's Alex's boyfriend😂, or maybe it's a joke, idk... We should wait until they confirm it. 

Without you realizing it, you were smiling. It was very nice to see most of the fans had good reactions at Marco's accidental revelation. 

You deactivated the notifications and immediately went to your messages. There were some messages from the rest of the cast, asking if everything was okay. You even got a text from Marco, saying he was very sorry, that he didn't mean to say it, that he hoped you weren't mad and that he would bring your favorite cake to you to the set next morning. 

You were so busy looking at the comments on the photo that you didn't realize the interview was over. 

When Alex arrived, he looked worried. He had brought the food, yes, and he quickly left it on the table before hugging you tightly. 

"Are you okay? I haven't looked at the comments, did they say something bad to you? I can record a video now saying Marco was only joking..."

"Hey, calm down" you smiled at him, caressing his cheek "It's fine, Alex, I've only read good things, they're actually pretty excited, let's eat and then we will think about it, okay?" 

He breathed deeply, relieved you didn't receive any death threats or anything like that, and nodded before kissing you softly. 

"I love you, and I'm actually really thankful to Marco for doing something I didn't have the guts to"

"I love you too" you smiled, hugging his waist and resting your head on his chest "Tell Marco I'm not mad at him, please, poor boy"

"He was so scared, begging me to forgive him before I even said anything" he chuckled "I got your favorite pizza, by the way"

"Alex! Stop cheating!"

"I'm not! It's not my fault I'm better than you!" 

You glared at him, feeling tempted of throwing the PS4 control to his head. 

"I know you are cheating"

"Learn how to lose properly, woman" he mocked you "And you know the rules, the loser has to go and make more popcorn" 

"You just made up that rule"

"And you just lost the game"

You growled and smacked him on the back of his head before taking the empty bowl and walking over to the kitchen, ignoring Alex's chuckles. 

While you waited for the popcorn, you received another notification. Guessing it was another photo of Alex and you in which the fans were tagging you with the breaking news that you were together, you opened it. 

It wasn't. 

Alex posted another photo of you. This time it was one he just took with his phone. You were on the couch, the control on your hands while you were focused on the tv, on winning the game. You didn't look bad, but what made you smile was the caption.

@ alexhoeghandersen: Ivar has the best sister ever and I have the best girlfriend ever. She's amazing and I am the luckiest man in this world. Thanks Marco. @ y/n, I love you even if you are an awful loser.

You smiled widely, biting your lip, quickly liking the photo and wiring a comment. 

@ alexhoeghandersen Pretty words aren't gonna save your ass on the next game, Andersen. I love u too anyway. 

There were hundreds of comments... The fans were even more excited than you. 

This is the cutest shit ever. 

Alex for fuck's sake let your girlfriend win. 

I knew it, it isn't like you were really hiding.

I'm more excited now than when my fiancee proposed to me 

MARCO YOU ARE AMAZING WE LOVE YOU

Even Marco commented;

You're welcome guys 😎

You closed the app and opened your photo gallery. You had a beautiful photo of Alex and you that you had taken a few days before, in which you were smiling to the camera, snuggling into his chest, and he was looking at you with a cute little smile on his face. 

You posted it, writing a small caption. 

@ y/n: @ alexhoeghandersen I love you, you cheater bastard, but prepare to lose.

You heard him laughing on the living room and a few moments later he appeared on the kitchen, a smile on his face. He hugged you and kissed your lips hungrily.

"I love you, prepare for tomorrow because I'm going to give you the best kiss of your life in front of everyone on set"

"Well I don't want to wait, I want that kiss now" you tilted your head, biting your lip with a small smile.

"You know what? I'm tired of playing video games" he muttered, biting your lip "I prefer playing something else"

Alex grabbed your ass, lifting you over the kitchen counter while kissing and biting your neck, making you gasp and moan in surprise. 

"Alex... Alex, the popcorn..."

"We'll eat them later" he half moaned as your body reacted to him "I'm always hungry after sex"

Tags: @mblaqgi @alicedopey @lol-haha-joke @hallowed-heathen @ivarslittlebadgirl @naaladareia @tephi101 @captstefanbrandt @love-hate-love @titty-teetee @thisisparadisemylove @readsalot73 @moondustmemories @thevikingsheaux @therealcalicali @chimera4plums @blushingskywalker @awkwardfangirl02 @credolouskhaalesi @gruffle1

I named Y/N’s character Freyja because I'm the most original person in the world. 

I hope you liked it! Thanks for reading♥️