#(God loves his stupid lil chick sons)

[brokendreamscreation]

@themosthatedbeingg I am immortalizing this as a post 😂

[lisinfleur]

It’s gonna be ME!

The request:

Author’s Notes | Late, but here! Hope you guys enjoy! Thanks for the request!

Universe | Vikings

Pairing | Ivar x Reader

Info | Modern AU, requested by anon for 5CW7

Words | 1719

⁑ Warnings: Some cursing.

"So... She's your partner, uh?"

There were them!

The pair of sons of whatever bitch that had slept with my father and delivered them into my mother's arms so she could raise them as if they were my brothers and not the pair of motherfuckers I was seeing at the kitchen - Hvitserk lazily chewing on an apple and Ubbe with both of his hands on his trousers' pockets as if they weren't asking me about the girl I was fallen for.

Ok.

I didn't tell anyone.

Fuck it! What does it matter? Y/N was my partner, from my class, at my university! My shit! Not theirs! And I could bet those bastards were thinking about sharing her.

They were doing this to every single girl they had after Ubbe finally got his freedom from that premature marriage to Margrethe.

"Uhum," I answered, disinterested, trying to see if the wolf pack around me would understand I wasn't up to tell them about what their minds were classifying as their next lamb.

"She's your age?" Hvitserk asked, jumping off the table he was sitting on - although our mother had slapped his nape dozens of times not to sit over that table.

"Uhum," I mumbled again, opening the fridge and pretending I didn't know exactly what I wanted into it, just to hide my furious glare into the refrigerator instead of pushing my wheelchair against Hvitserk's knees and take the bad-bones' day as a chance to break his legs and get myself rid of that asshole at least.

"Uh... Is she single?" Ubbe asked and I pressed the cheese knife in my hand so tight that my knuckles became white.

"I don't know, Ubbe," I answered, cutting a piece of cheese as if it was his dick I would cut off in a lot of damn pieces if he was to come near Y/N with it!

"Come on, Ivar," Hvitserk giggled, "Stop hiding the treasures," he said, sliding himself between me and the refrigerator, stealing the piece of cheese I had just cut and getting a bite of it before looking at me once again with that cheese stick in his hand, moving as if it was some bait to get my sharp eyes' attention. "You have a piece of heaven working with you and you don't even know if she's free? Jez... Don't you talk to her, lil' brother?"

I do. About our gods' damn work, Hvitserk!

But I didn't say anything but grunting before starting to cut a new piece of cheese to myself, this time imagining I was cutting Hvitserk's light fingers so used to stealing things from me.

He just giggled again, chewing on the rest of my cheese in his hand before sitting on our kitchen balcony, right beside our mother's cooktop. Would it be too cruel to want that shit wasn't electric? Too evil from myself to wish so bad Hvitserk would end up burning his ass when sitting on places he shouldn't be sitting on? I don't know...

Maybe.

"I talk to her, Hvitserk," I said, placing my cheese in the middle of a pair of slices of bread for a quick snack. "It doesn't mean I investigate her private life."

"Read up: little Ivar knows nothing about the girl he's sitting beside through this whole year," he joked, getting my blues sharp over him once again, this time, enough for Ubbe to shush him with a waving hand.

"Stop it, Hvitserk," he mumbled, landing his free hand on my shoulder as if I didn't hate to be so lower than him on those chair days. "Ivar is right, after all. We shouldn't be investigating girls' lives around. If he doesn't know, I guess we might discover it for ourselves, uh?"

That sentence sent cold shivers down my spine: they would try to hit on her. On Y/N.

On my sweet and beautiful Y/N.

I couldn't hold myself, slapping Ubbe's hand out of my shoulder and giving up on the sandwich I just threw back on the refrigerator carelessly, moving my chair away from those assholes.

I couldn't keep listening to them planning to invite Y/N for a drink, or to some stupid dance club, a bar, whatever! Whatever place they could make her laugh and smile at them! Whatever place they could use that fucking charm of them to lure her into their bed so I would spend a whole night listening to her moans on their room.

"No fucking way!" I growled, throwing my cane on my bed after slamming my bedroom door.

No fucking way I would allow them to have her.

No fucking way I would sit and wait to see her in our class, trying to text one of those motherfuckers after they had her number blocked after exchanging her for another chick of the time!

My fingers started shaking at the cellphone before I touched the green button - what was I doing?

But at the same time, I couldn't stop! - it was me, or them...

"Hi... Ivar?" her voice sounded on the other side.

I wasn't a man of text messages.

"Did I forget something at your house?"

Of course... What other reason would I have to call her in the middle of the evening, around one hour after she left my house after working with me the whole morning in our project for the science fair competition at the university...

"No," I answered, trying to find the words. "I just... I mean... Yes. You..."

Fuck.

How could I be a gods' damn talented mind and not being able to speak properly to a girl?

"Ivar? Sweetie, I can't hear you. Damn, we need to work on an amplifier for these G-signals around," she giggled.

Such a sweet laugh... My favorite sound in the world. I swallowed dry: this sound could be exchanged for something I would hate to hear muffled by the wall between Hvitserk's room and mine.

No.

I wouldn't let it happen!

"There is something I need to tell you. Can you hear me better now?"

Come on, Ivar. Fucking speak!

"Yeah, loud and clear!" she answered on the other side.

And there was my safety running down the drain.

"Ivar?"

It was now or never.

"Are you free today? I mean... It's a bad-bones day for me and I don't wanna spend it whole studying in my room with my brothers around so I was thinking about going to the central square to eat some fries and chill for a while and..."

Why couldn't I just say "Do you wanna go out with me?"? Why was it so fucking hard?

"Fries are perfect. Especially if you're up to eat them with me. What time can I meet you there?"

Did she accept?

Did she just accept going out with me?

"Ivar? Can you hear me? Damn Gs..." she cursed, thinking my silence was a problem of the signal once again and not my mind completely broken with her easy acceptance to something I thought was impossible.

"Loud and clear," I answered, mimicking her way to answer me, getting a new giggle from her on the other side. "I was thinking about... Going now... If you're not occupied."

"That's great! I'm almost there, to be honest. I'll take five minutes to arrive so I'll make our order in advance: this way you won't have to wait for the fries to come when you arrive. I know you hate to wait."

She knew details about me...

"Back table, right?"

The minimum ones.

"Yes..." I mumbled. "Y/N," I started.

Feeling my throat close once again, swallowing the words.

"What?" she answered, but I just smiled, holding my phone.

"I'll tell you there. See you soon."

"It better be soon indeed, because you know I hate to be curious for too long!!" she reprehended me, causing my smile to become bigger.

"I know."

I knew.

I knew she hated to wait. She hated to see me sad - and so she would do anything to make me smile, even when I didn't want to. She hated to be curious for too long, but she loved surprises.

And I had a hell of a surprise for her this time.

I chose my best clothes, with the overcoat she liked to steal from me whenever it was cold and we were at the university campus.

It was slightly cold outside - and I wanted to take the chance to come back home with her perfume on it.

I tried to make my hair look less like a mess, but without mom around to braid it, I had to go for a bun. - Yay... Hvitserk's style. Great. But no.

I tried to sneak out, but of course, Chip 'n' Dale would be outside waiting for me in the living room.

And Gadget Hackwrench wouldn't miss the chance to be with them, naturally.

"Going out, Ivar?" Hvitserk said, in a taunting tone, with the last piece of my sandwich he surely took from the fridge in his hand.

That douchebag was always eating! It was a miracle he wasn't rolling around.

"Wasn't it a bad-bones day?" Sigurd asked, carelessly.

"I'm using the chair. And yeah, I'm going out. Something else, dad?" I asked, causing Hvitserk to giggle and Sigurd to roll his eyes.

"Want a ride?" Ubbe offered, but I denied it.

I didn't want them around.

"No. And I don't know when I'll be back, so don't worry," I said, leaving through the front door.

I would speak to her and tell her how I felt.

I would ask her to be mine and put an end to those bastards' ideas.

And it would be today!

At the living room, right after Ivar closed the door.

"I can't believe it fucking worked," Hvitserk giggled, throwing himself on the couch as Ubbe smiled, cocky.

"I told ya. He just needed a push," the elder one said.

"The two of you are playing with fire, that's what you're doing," Sigurd warning but Ubbe just rolled his eyes drinking from his cup of coffee.

"He's out, isn't he? And I bet he'll come home with a girlfriend tonight, so..."

"Job's done!" Hvitserk joked, crossing his feet on the center table, throwing the last piece of sandwich into his mouth.

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[zankivich]

The Arrangement: CEO’s Son/Dom!Shawn x Black Sub Reader Chapter 7

a/n: this is like my favorite chapter so far. I feel like I’ve been waiting this whole story to ge tot watch these two interact in this way. I hope it comes across as authentic. I worked really hard on the pacing for this story. You all have been incredibly kind to me lately with feedback for this story and I sincerely hope you keep it coming. It is without a doubt the brightest part of my days recently. Thank you so much for that. K bye. 

WARNINGS: sex without a condom (gotta wrap it before you tap it). mentioned of white supremacy, racism, and micro-aggressions. 

*Shawn’s point of view*

Nothing ever simultaneously works out. It never all gets to be perfect. His life had been a memoir with that exact theme and yet somehow he always let himself forget. Y/n leaves and he somehow has a date with her. A date. Not a hookup. Not some elaborate set up to make her cum. A date. With like conversation and personality. He hadn’t been on a date in years. And sure he knew he was really good at sex, but that didn’t mean shit about being able to actually hold a conversation. She was lightyears above him mentally, and he had no idea how he was going to manage to not fuck it up. But he had a date. She said yes. And that within itself was a win. So of course something in his life was going to have to go to shit. Hold that thought.

Brian makes it back sometime between his gym run and a shower. By the time he gets out, the asshole is sitting on his couch fucking up his kill rate on COD.

“Move over, jerkoff! And switch to two player.” He grunted plopping down on the couch beside him.

“Jeez, bro take it down a couple notches. I am nursing a hangover from the depths of hell over here.”

“Not my fault you can’t ever handle your liquor.”

“Well Melanie seemed to think I handled it just fine.”

“Melanie sounds like she’s still never had an orgasm before.”

Brian punched him in the bicep which only resulted in him returning the favor. Idiot.

“Not all of us sneak our hookups in in the middle of the night.”

He rolled his eyes fingers smashing on the controller.

“I didn’t sneak anyone. It’s my fucking apartment you idiot.”

“Yea, sure, whatever. Did you at least hook up with someone new?”

His fingers stumbled on the joystick, sending his player headfirst into a grenade. Lovely.

“No. No I didn’t.”

Brian looked over at him. “You fucked the same girl again?”

“I don’t think we should be equating Melanie and y/n here. y/n is a woman. A grown ass woman. Trust me, she never lets me forget.” He snorted.

“What is up with you and this chick? You never fuck the same person twice.”

He supposed now was as good a time as any. He actually was going to need shit for brains’ advice.

“I like her okay! I like her. And we hooked up last night but it was...it was different. I didn’t tell her what to do. I didn’t pull out any bells or whistles. I just...We just had sex. And she kissed me like she liked me too. So I asked her on a date.”

“A DATE?! I haven’t seen you go on a date since you were like a child!!”

“No shit, jackass. I’m going to need every fucking ounce of help I can get. And that includes your ass, unfortunately.”

“Stop pretending you don’t love me bitch. Now tell me how you plan to get a thirty year old woman who isn’t on drugs to actually enjoy spending time with your sorry ass.”

What are best friends for?

***

*y/n’s point of view*

y/n: I HAVE A DATE.

y/n: I NEED YOU HERE ASAP

Tiana: Oh shit. K. omw.

The last time you went on a date was in 2016, what some might call the beginning of Armageddon. After a slew of horrid dates, you had been completely and totally ready to throw in the towel. But then this cute guy came out of nowhere. He was nice, sweet, not very funny but in a way that made you laugh. He was also persistent enough to not take no for an answer, without it making you uncomfortable. No immediate red flags. So you went on the damn date. And all was well. It wasn’t an earth shattering date, but you weren’t not enjoying his company. And then it happened.

I just really think Trump will genuinely make America great again ya know?

You nearly choked on a piece of lettuce.

“Really bruh? In front of my salad?”

“No just hear me out though. Is he unorthodox, sure. But Hillary? Hillary and those emails. It just wouldn’t have worked.”

“I absolutely understand what you mean.”

“You do?” He smiled.

“Yep. CHECK PLEASE!”

“Bitch we do not have time for you to disassociate I am trying to make a wing here!” Tiana huffed.

You rolled your eyes and reached for your phone working to still your features so that Tianna could continue with your makeup.

y/n: Are you a republican?

Shawn: Well thank you for asking, I’ve had a lovely day. How was yours?

y/n: I’m serious.

Shawn: I’m Canadian.

“Shit. I’m so stupid.” You whined.

Tiana tugged at your chin. “Not stupid. But NOT still.”

“Sorry, ti.”

y/n: Would you have voted for Trump if you could have?

Shawn: No. No I wouldn’t have. What kind of a person do you think I am?

y/n: Idk. idk. I just needed to be sure. It never came up when you were tying my arms behind my back.

Shawn: You didn’t mention political discourse as one of your kinks. Is there something I should know before tonight?

y/n: No. It’s fine. I swear. Just haven’t been on a date in a really long time. And my last one didn’t go so well.

Shawn: It’s been a long time for me too. But I’d really like to have a go at it, if that’s okay with you?

y/n: yea, I’d like that. Should I meet you at your place still?

Shawn: Actually I’m gonna pick you up. I’ll be at your place at 7?

y/n: Oh. Okay.

“Hmmm.”

“Hmmm what? What’d he say?” Tiana asked.

“I’m not meeting at his place anymore. He’s picking me up.”

“Well where is he taking you?”

“If I knew that, Ti would I be sitting here in a ball of anxiety?!”

Tianna dropped her eyeliner brush and reach instead for the body lava. All hail Rihana.

“I sure hope he dicks you unconscious for a few hours. You have got to relax, sis.” She giggled. “It’s going to be alright, okay? He likes you. You like him. Let that be enough for right now.”

“Okay. Okay. Just...make my titties sparkle? Please?”

“Lord, chile. You don’t pay me enough.” She snorted.

Friendship!

***

Shawn: I’m here. Do you want me to come up?

y/n: No need! Here I come.

Outside your apartment building is one of those SUV hummer situations that you only ever rode in when you were visiting one of your artists on tour. Shawn is standing outside the door of the vehicle, and you can’t help but pause right there in the middle of the sidewalk. He traded the black jeans for a black slack that hones in on the fact that he’s most definitely not wearing a chelsea boot for the first time ever. They’re dress shoes. Like proper, wing tips. And he’s wearing a short sleeve button up with yellow, black, and white stripes. There are enough buttons undone to see the way that his rosary necklace melted into the firmness of his chest nestled amongst the most sinful amount of chest hair. God, where the hell had they made this one at? And how the hell did he wind up at my front door?

“Hi.” He smiled, legs crossed and chest broad. “You look really beautiful.”

You peered down at the jumpsuit you’d picked out with Tiana’s help. It was a really pretty shimmery gold color and the entire back was cut out too. In hindsight, it didn’t seem nearly as impressive as to what he was wearing now.

“Thank you. You look pretty beautiful yourself. Really showed me up tonight.”

He laughed. “Yea, sure. Come on, it’s cold out. Let’s get going.”

In the car, there’s a bottle of champagne and one of the playlists that you recognized from Shawn’s apartment is playing softly in the background. He pours each of you a glass, your legs somehow knotting simply together on the floor of the car. It’s weird in that it’s not like a first date  in the traditional sense. You put his balls in your mouth for one. He licked orgasms out of you like ice cream. But the nerves are still there. You find that you care about what he thinks of you, of how he feels about you. That’s new. And scary.

“So uh...where are we going?” You asked between sips of champagne.

He bites his lip and looks nervously over at you. It’s a new look for him. But one that you find solace in.

“Would you be angry at me if I said it was a surprise?”

You raised an eyebrow. “No. But I would be curious as to what that surprise is.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll know soon enough.”

“I think I heard that line one time. I think Hannibal Lector said it.”

He rolled his eyes and threw his head back and you wished it didn’t make you giggle, but it does.

“Funny.” He smirked hiding behind his glass. “I just wanna impress you a little bit. Is that okay?”

“You wanna impress lil ole me huh?” You smiled. “That’s sweet.”

“Just a little.”

He licked his bottom lip and his hand inched its way up your knee. He was warm. Way too warm to not have your body react a little. Rude.

“Whatever happened to your friend from the other morning? Am I taking you away from him?”

“Oh Brian?” He snickered. “He’s just happy he’s got my place to himself. He couldn’t believe I was going on a date at all.”

“Tiana either.” You snorted.

“Yea? She try and convince you not to go out with me?”

“She is...surprisingly Pro-you for some reason. Must have something to do with me not having enough time to be a bitch as work with our arrangement and everything.”

“Hmmm. Well it’s nice to know I’ve got one person on my team. Maybe by the end of the night I can win you over too.”

“Maybe.” You smiled.

The car eventually rolls to a stop, and you’re not even aware of how long you’ve been talking. All the nerves that you couldn’t actually be together without the sex part sort of faded away. He could make you laugh. He could hold your attention. And you could offer him the same. Just when you were starting to think that it was all going to be fine? Shawn came to open your door.

Your heels touched gently to the ground and you let him pull you from the car. Behind him was not a restaurant. Not a bar. Not even a fucking hotel. Nope. Instead you were stood right in front of Mendes Industries’ private jet and a fucking flight attendant with a bag in her hands that looks surprisngly like your Louis Vitton. Fucking Tiana.

“What the hell. Shawn, what the hell?!” You gasped. “What is this?”

“You were concerned about people seeing us right? Well no one’s gonna see us. No one but the locals.”

“The locals?! I can’t--I can’t just fly away with you Shawn. I have responsibilities. I have a--a job.”

He reached for your hands, which tended to do a lot of movement when you were flustered, and stilled them by placing them on his shoulders.

“Listen to me,” He murmured silencing you. “It’s already set. Tiana canceled all of your meetings for three days. It’s just three days. Look I...I really like you, okay? More so than I know what to do with right now. And I think that you like me too. Do you like me?”

“Y--Yea! Yea, of course I do. That’s not really the point is it?”

“It is. Just get on the plane. Please? I just wanna take you out. Let me take you out.”

You peered up at him, all soft brown eyes and chiseled everything else. He had really come along out of nowhere. It was incredibly disorientating, and intoxicating. You lived your life by a planner, a set time for every hour by the hour. And here he was asking you to throw that all away, to let yourself be something else for a chance. And it wasn’t all that different from what he asked of you in the bedroom. Just let go. Release.

You sighed. “You know when most guys ask to take a girl out? They don’t mean out of the state.”

“I’m not like other guys.” He shrugged.

“No shit. Where are you taking me, white boy?” You groaned letting him steer you towards the plane.

“Try to contain your excitement.” He snorted. “Remember that time we had sex in the back of a storage room during Khalid’s video shoot?”

You smiled awkwardly at the flight attendant and knocked your arm into his shoulder.

“Oh please. We’ve had this jet since I was fifteen. I’m almost positive my dad has done some incredibly sketchy shit on here. Martha knows all. Thank you Martha!”

He leads you to a seat. There’s more champagne. You don’t know how you got here. This man was wild.

“Get to the point, maybe?”

“Right. We hooked up in the storage closet, and you told me that story about how you missed your high school trip to Rome because your mom was having heart problems and couldn’t afford it with the medical bills? You had a Lizzie Mcguire fantasy and everything.”

“I was drunk that night. Khalid had just gotten his first number one.”

“So you don’t want me to take you to Rome?” He asked.

“ROME?!”

“Rome.”

“....Who are you?!”

He chuckled. “I’m just a guy standing here asking a girl to let me take her on a little trip.”

“Oh my god. He quotes romcoms. This is too much.”

“Just relax sweetheart. We’re about to do liftoff.”

Jesus Christ.

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

He’s a little worried that he may have broken her. Maybe it was too much too fast. He should’ve just taken her to fucking dinner like a normal person. The problem was he wasn’t normal. And she sure as hell wasn’t normal either. She was so different from anyone he’d ever been with before. He wanted to spend time with her. And the last thing in the world he wanted was her to think about his dad while she was with him. He could tell that it bothered her more than she was willing to admit, and he just needed them to be on equal footing. What said equal footing like going to a country where neither of them spoke the language. Tiana had given him the green light when she agreed to change y/n’s schedule around and even pack her a bag. It seemed like maybe it might go well.

She calms down after her first glass of champagne, and sits more comfortably into the seat next to him, her legs folded so that her knees poked gently at his thigh. She was closer, close enough for him to smell her perfume and he kind of loved it.

“So are first dates the one’s where we spill all of our dirty laundry, or is that the second one?” She asked.

He chuckled and laid his hand on her thigh. She smiles at him, so he doesn’t pull away.

“Your guess is as good as mine. Do your worst, woman.”

She situates herself a little more gently into the chair, chin propped up on her palm. He gets lost in the glitter on her collarbones and neck.

“Why haven’t you been on a date in a long time?” She asked.

Heavy first question. But he told her to do her worst.

“Well I uh...the last date I went on was with my girlfriend of about two years. And on said date she told me that she had been sleeping with a producer at Atlantic records for six months, and that he was going to share her demo. So, she didn’t need me anymore.” He shrugged around a sip of champagne.

“Two years? Two fucking years before she pulled that shit? That’s fucked.” She said. “I’m sorry.”

“Yea. It was really heavy at the time. Blamed my dad for a lot of it, even if it probably wasn’t his fault this time. But ever since then I just thought it might be easier to stick to the meaningless sex route.”

She nodded. “I fuck that up for you a little bit?”

“You have no idea.” He grinned rubbing his thumb along her chin. “I should’ve known the second I caught you checking me out at that party.”

“Excuse me? For the last time I was not ‘checking you out’. I was simply observing that snooze fest your father put on.”

“I was checking you out.” He admitted honestly. “I asked my dad to introduce us. I just knew I had to have you. And then I spoke to you and I found out you were trouble, and you weren’t going to take any of my shit. I should’ve known then.”

It’s a lot softer than anything he’s ever admitted before, and every time that he remembers that this is more, that they’re trying to become more, it makes his heart stutter in his chest. But she leans her head against his seat and she smiles at him like it means something to her to be open, to be vulnerable. And that alone is enough to get him to lean in.

“So maybe....maybe I was looking in your direction.” She says softly. “I’d heard of you. I’d just never actually seen you in person before. And maybe I was curious.”

“Curious?!” He laughed. “Okay. Curious. We can call it that; I’ll take it. Your turn. Worst date. Spill.”

She groaned softly and slid a little deeper into her seat, head fitting perfectly against his shoulder.

“I accidentally went to dinner with a Trump supporter.”

“Accidently?” He snorted.

“Don’t laugh asshole! It was thoroughly traumatic for me. I just thought that logically a white supremacist would not be interested in asking me, a black woman, on a date. I forgot that logic is not in their wheelhouse. It was awful.”

“Now your texts make a lot more sense.” He chuckled reaching his arm to pat her cheek. “That enough to take you out the game, aye?”

“I don’t know man...the world is fucking scary right now.” She sighed. “Sometimes it feels like there’s no one we can trust, like there’s no one who doesn’t have it out for us. It’s not just political agendas. It’s my safety. It really is that deep. It has to be.”

It’s this moment where she’s offering more of herself than she had in the entire time that he’d known her. Y/n was beautiful and sexy and intelligent, but there was also always this aura of mystery around her. Like she wasn’t quite ready to share herself, didn’t know if she could. And he wanted to find his way on the other side of that. He wanted to know her better than she knew herself. And he wants to cherish any moment where she’s willing to let him try that.

“I understand.” He paused and closed his eyes feeling maybe a little flustered and out of his element. “I mean I don’t. I know that I don’t, that I couldn’t but..I hear what you’re saying. And I believe you. I would like to know more at some point. If you’re willing to share it with me.”

Her eyes flicker over to his and they’re wide and brilliant and he wants to kiss her so bad.

“You do?” She checked.

He nodded and chanced reaching to pull her face a little closer, palm resting against her cheek.

“I do.”

She kisses him and it feels like the sun. It feels like everything.

***

*y/n’s point of view*

Rome  is kind of perfect. It’s not so hot that you’ve got to cover yourself in deodorant, but the sun is still pretty and bold in the sky. The hotel he takes you to has an entire terrace open for your access with those flowy ass curtains you only saw in cheesy 80’s pop music videos. There are couches that might as well be beds there so soft and plush. You touch down in the middle of the night and there’s not much to do but keep talking to each other, keep touching each other. You take your shoes off and sit out on the couches wrapped in blankets with another bottle of champagne. If the redness in his cheeks is anything to go off of, he’s just as tipsy as you, and it means that it’s not weird when you lean into him. No one’s gonna say anything for letting him hold you.

“It’s four am right now.” You giggled hiding your face in his neck. “It’s so beautiful here.”

“Do you like it?”

“Yea. I really do. I always wanted to come here. I can’t believe this is our first date.”

“I wanted it to be special for you. You deserve that.”

“Since when?” You asked so thoroughly confused by everything that he was. “I mean, yes. I definitely deserve this but...when you did you realize that you want it to be more than what we were? I thought you just wanted to fool around?”

“I did.” He whined stubbornly tracing your nose with his thumb. “I really did. But...you are very good at sex.” You laughed and he smiled. “I’m serious! One of the best partners I’ve ever had. And sometimes when our bodies were moving I just got lost in you. Like you were a fucking beautiful ass star capturing me with your light. And then you stopped arguing with me so much and just letting me be like...a friend to you?  And then Miami happened and I just--I wanted to be with you. And I realized that I wanted to be with you as a person, even when we weren’t having sex. I was scared. Until I realized that you liked me too. Then I got my confidence back.”

“Oh lord not your confidence.” You rolled your eyes.

“You have got to stop acting like you are not all up on this okay? I see the way you stare at me, honey. It’s okay. Let yourself give in to Mendes Magic!”

“I am officially not attracted to you anymore.” You snorted going to pull away.

He wrapped his arms around your waist and tackled you down to the couch. Your laughter poured out into the night as his fingers dug into your belly. You laugh until your stomach aches. Until there’s tears in your eyes. Until he kisses you and you feel it in your toes. Until the only thing you can think about, feel, smell, is him. And you melt like that against the couch.

***

Rome is beautiful. It’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been. The sun rises in the sky and you’re up immediately tugging Shawn out of bed. There’s breakfast at this little place near the hotel that looks out over buildings that were unlike anything you’d ever thing. Everything was historic and rustic and so endlessly different from everything you’d seen before. It was really like something straight out of a movie with cobblestone walkways and buildings that were works of art themselves. It’s wild. It would be wild on any day of the week. That was before you looked over your glass of wine to this guy smiling at you like the beauty of the city around him meant nothing in comparison to looking at you.

You liked him. Shit you liked him a lot. And every time he looked you in the eye and hung on every word you said? It just blew you even further away. And you kept trying to remind yourself how unrealistic it all was. You were thirty afterall. The two of you were in different times in your life. He was still holding on to every word his dad said. You had plans for your life, for your career. It was hard to figure out whether or not he could fit into those plans. And maybe that wasn’t first date type of thinking, but hello! He took your ass to Rome. None of it was normal. So you walked a little faster, tried to hold harder to the moments that you had to share. Cause why not?

“Hey can we slow down for a sec?” He asked as you pulled him towards your third museum of the day.

You frowned. “I wanna see the ruins.”

“We can. I promise. Just let’s sit down for a second, yea?”

You’d been walking all morning, stopping at every nook and cranny that you came across. It was a three day trip anyway. You had no idea when you’d ever be back, if you ever would be back. But there’s something special about the company too. You remind yourself that he’s the reason you’re there. The vacation, though amazing, was really just an opportunity to be with him.

“Yea, of course.”

He tugged you to a little corner of these big huge steps that were filled with people just sitting down, chatting, eating their lunches. The second you’re no longer standing on your feet is a little bit like heaven.

“Okay make you were right.” You sighed wiggling your toes. “I’m tired.”

“Well that’s good. I was starting to think you were a robot.” He chuckled. “I’m glad I packed tennis shoes.”

You peered down at his feet and quickly laced your legs with his where the white tennis shoes stuck out in contrast to his black jeans.

“They look so funny on you. I like them. You’re cute.”

He smiled over at you. “I’m cute, aye?”

“You heard me.”

“Yea, well maybe I wanna hear you say it again.” He murmured taking your cheek into his hand.

“You’re cute.” You whispered before pressing your lips together.

You had yet to get over this new style of kissing. The way he rubbed so softly at your cheek you got goosebumps. The way his tongue could make you feel like time was slowing down. Almost like there was nothing left here. Nothing but the two of you and the way you could make each other feel. It was maybe the best feeling in the world.

“You’re beautiful.” He murmured when the kiss had ended, forehead pressed against yours. “I can’t believe you’re here with me right now.”

“I can’t believe you whisked me away to a different country for our first date.” She hummed. “What are you hiding? Do you have a third nipple or something? A serial killer perhaps?”

“Why are you so insistent on me killing people?” He laughed. “And you’ve seen all of my body at this point. If there was a third nipple don’t you think you would’ve seen it?”

“Well you’ve got me there. But statistically speaking at least fifty percent of all murders probably fit your description, honey. I’m just being realistic. I’ve seen what you can do with rope.”

He rolled his eyes and he found that it made you smile. And so he tended to do it more and more often.  That’s kinda how you knew you were fucked.

“What do you say we go see these ruins of yours, find some pasta, and fuck until we fall asleep?”

“As long as it’s in that order!” You gasped tugging him back to his feet to continue your wild adventure of the day.

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

He’s got a new kink. And it’s definitely her calling him baby when he’s inside her. It is without a doubt the sexiest thing she could do for him. Which makes so little sense. How fucking soft had she turned him in a few short months? This is where he was now, almost blowing his load because a woman called him baby. It’s not just a woman though. It’s her. Holy fuck it’s her, and the sound of her voice is like directly tied to his dick or something. Shit.

The couches on the terrace are perfect for sex in broad daylight. It’s completely secluded to just them, but anyone at the other hotels around would easily be able to hear them if they opened a window. It’s just another thing that seems to get them both hot and bothered. Her body is a dream. And he doesn’t need to tie her up to get lost in her. (Even if he really, really liked tying her up). All he needs is the feel of her body against his and his hands to direct her where he wants her to go, where he needs her to go for both of them to explode.

“Fuck.Honey you’re dripping. You’re dripping all over my dick.” He groaned tugging her thighs more ruggedly against his own.

“Baby I--I wanna cum.” She gasped, voice breathy and chaotic as her hips bucked like a fucking dream. “I wanna cum on it. Please?”

“It’s yours. Cum on it. Make yourself cum.”

He reached  around her waist to grind his fingers deep into her clit. Her ass began to bounce against him, quick and sharp and rugged. He’s barely holding on by a thread. And then she starts to squeeze down on him, her hips working to bring herself to her own climax, and he’s already done for.

“Fuck! I’m cumming.”

His fingers work harder on her clit, dropping down to his knees to drive desperately into her with everything he’s got left inside of him. It thrusts her over the back of the couch and he plasters himself against her back grinding tightly with everything that he’s got..  When she cums it’s just another accomplishment, another moment of making her feel good. It’s all he’s ever really wanted since they met.

“Holy fucking shit.” She gasped collapsing against his chest. “So good.”

“Yea? Still think I can’t dom you and date you at the same time?”

“Shhhh. No one has time for you sir, I can’t feel my legs.”

He nuzzled his way into her neck placing kisses against the skin. His arms were still wrapped around her and her fingers were playing in his hair. It was different than their usual hook ups, for sure. But, he liked it. He liked feeling close to her. He liked touching her and feeling her heart beat beneath his finger tips. Did she know how amazing she was?

“You want me to go get a towel?” He asked softly, pecking at her ear.

She hummed. “Not yet. Don’t leave yet.”

God he was ruined. Just like that.

“Yea okay.”

***

She hops in the shower and he has every intention of following her, of maybe pressing her into the shower door and fucking her until the glass breaks. But then his phone starts ringing and she giggles and runs off leaving his dick to twitch against his thigh. He was stupid on her. Aboslutely idiotic. And whoever was getting in the way of his idiocy was about to get an ear full.

“There better be someone dying!” He huffed eyes still very much on the shower where perhaps the most beautiful woman alive was waiting for him.

“That can be arranged. Can you explain to me why I had to find out from Tiffany that your half whit ass is in Rome right now instead of New York?” His dad roared.

Remember that whole things falling apart narrative? Surprise.

“Shit. Dad look I..I just needed to get away for awhile okay?”

“On the comapny fucking jet nonetheless?!”

“That jet has been open to family members as long as I’ve been alive. Since when is it even a problem?”

“Since you’ve been on that jet more than you’ve been in my office. I am tired of trying to explain this to you Shawn. The rules are very simple. You work for me, you do a good job, you get your inheritance. If you don't, you know what happens Shawn. Is that what you want, to make me have to do that to you?”

“Look Dad I,” He let his voice drop softer, shyer. “It’s not what it looks like. This isn’t just me fucking off okay? I--I like someone. Like really like them. And I just wanted to impress her. She’s different. And I wanted her to like me. This isn’t one of my hookups, I swear.”

He hadn’t liked someone in so long, hadn’t even come close to what he was feeling for y/n. Even though his dad was a dick and they had fought since the time he was eleven, there was still a part of him that yearned for his approval. It was hard not to get caught up in what the world knew his dad to be. It was hard not to feel like if he could just make him proud, just make him happy, then everything would be okay. He hadn’t been that naive in a long time, but it still pulled at him every now and again.

Manny sighed. “Great, son. That doesn’t help the fact that you went behind my back and are continuously neglecting your duties.”

“I--I’m not though. Niall is sitting at sixteen songs as we speak. You only wanted twelve remember? I convinced the producers to look into doing a deluxe edition. That’s gonna make the label happy, Niall happy, and it’s more money for you right? I’m back in LA in a week to work on the roll out for Sarah Leone to the press. I’m kind of working my ass off here. I’m doing everything you wanted.”

“Look whatever just get your ass back to New York, okay?” He muttered.

“I’ll be back in two days.”

“Shawn.”

“Two days. I’ll be back in two days, and I’ll keep living in this hell of a life you’ve set up for me , alright? See you then.”

He tossed his phone back onto the bed in frustration. The noose tightened a little in his absence, sick and tired of always fighting and always losing. It seemed like no matter what happiness he carved out for himself, he was always going to have to return home. Maybe he was kidding himself. Maybe there was no winning in this life.

He stands there for like forty-five seconds feeling sorry for himself, and just fully like a piece of shit. And then he hears her. It’s soft and gentle and sweet. He moves a little closer to the bathroom, the door still open and her naked body visible through the foggy glass door. She’s singing.

“I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away.” She cooed softly. “I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is.”

Her voice was soulful and low, her fingers cupping her breasts and rolling down over her hips as she sang. It really kind of hit him in his heart. He leaned against the edge of the doorway, head lolling back for support at this gorgeous sound coming out of this gorgeous woman. The music lover in him just wanted to sit on the floor and listen to her all day, it was so pretty. Maybe map out some harmonies for the two of them. And the fact that he could see the smile on her lips as she sang only made his heart feel two times too big for his sturnemum. He wasn’t ready for the way that she could make him feel. He thought he’d known that, thought he was preparing himself. Not so much. He wasn’t sure one could prepare themselves for a woman like y/n. Maybe that was his lesson to learn.

She catches sight of him out of the corner of her eye and her lips glue firmly shut. He practically pouts when she stops singing. His arms crossed against his chest tighten in dissatisfaction.

“What are you doing?” She whined leaning her head out of the shower.

He shrugged. “Was just listenin’. You didn’t tell me you sang.”

“You didn’t ask. And I don’t. I was just...humming.”

“Humming?” He laughed softly. “Okay. Well you hum beautifully.”

“Well thank you, I suppose. Was your phone call okay?”

“No. Not quite but, I’m good now. Can I wash your back for you maybe?”

“Yea. Boy, you ain’t gotta ask to wash my back. Come on!”

He steps back into the steam of the shower and it’s like nothing exists but the two of them. And he just really wants to keep it that way for a little while longer. If only for a little while longer.

***

They’re lying on a hotel bed that’s so soft it feels like they’re sinking. After another glorious round of sex he found himself tangled in the sheets beside her. Their heads at the foot of the bed because that’s the position where he’d made her cum last, and their feet intertwined at the headboard. She’s not looking at him, but instead up at the ceiling. This doesn’t seem to stop him from peering over at her. She’s kind of too beautiful to not look at.

“Can I ask you something?” He hedged carefully.

She peered over at him, eyes warm and sated.

“Yes.”

“I don’t...I really don’t know how to ask, or what to ask. And maybe--maybe I’m gonna come across like some dick, but I don’t wanna do that with you. I want to learn ya know? I want to understand.”

“Shawn?” She pressed getting his attention. “Calm down. Just ask.”

He nodded softly and took a deep breath. His fingers twitched anxiously against his stomach.

“That stuff you said earlier on the plane...you know about--about the trump supporter, and how that made you feel? And then sometimes...sometimes it sounds like you don’t really like white people, which like makes sense right? We’re the worst. But I just...I wanna understand more about...about what that means for you? Fuck. I’m sorry. That sounded dumb just saying it.”

He closes his eyes ready for her to slap him and take his jet all the way back to New York. He thinks maybe he’d deserve it. It wasn’t even that he’d never been with a Black woman before. Black Women were beautiful and ethereal and wonderful. But, even his tiny white man brain could understand that the state of the world was simply a little different nowadays. His mediocre understanding of racism and privilege simply wasn’t enough. And he knew that if he wanted to be with this woman, if he wanted to feel like he deserved to be near her and absorb her intellect, than he should probably do his absolute best to understand the world in which she walked. Because it certainly looked different from his own.

He feels her hand on his chest and his eyes flutter open. She curled her fingers around his own and sent him another gentle smile that made his toes curl at the other end of the bed.

“It’s not dumb.” She assured him. “You’re asking. You might not have the language, but you’re asking. And that means a lot to me, okay? A lot.”

He nodded his head dumbly, eagerly hanging on every word that she said. She lied back once again, her head nestling a little closer to his. She doesn’t let go of his fingers.

“So, I do hate white people sometimes.” She mumbled. “Sometimes in the discourse Black folks will often try to explain that it’s not all white people, it’s just some. And most days I can get there. I can recognize that. But like… that’s not really how it works you know? Even white people who wouldn’t lynch my black ass grew up in a culture that would. Even white folks who might not feel the need to say the n-word grow up in a culture that situates their body, their worth, their value over mine. And even if that’s not your fault, and I can recognize that it isn’t you know? That’s how privilege works, it’s subliminal. But even if it’s not your fault, it doesn’t mean that you don’t benefit. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you haven’t absorbed messages about my inferiority.”

He watches her face the entire time, more specifically the emotions that seem to rush through every pore and every muscle. There’s a bit of agony on her features. A bit of frustration. But as she warms up there’s a freedom to it too. He knows that she’s not editing her words. She’s not doing anything for his benefit. He asked and so she would tell him, in whatever way was meaningful for her.

“White people just...sometimes it really seems like y’all don’t give a shit. I’ve had the cops called on me at the very building that I work at. On the top floor, with some of the most powerful people in show bizz twenty-seven times since I started. To the point where Mike in security has to keep an updated description of me every time I change my hair just in case. I have walked onto sets to manage my artists and been told that the back up dancers are in the trailer around back. Every step I take, every goddamn day, there is always at least one white person there to tell me that I don’t deserve it. That I don’t belong. And the intersections of my blackness with my womanhood mean that I am consistently and constantly facing an uphill battle of two indentities that the world just doesn’t give a fuck about.”

He couldn’t look away from her. Never had he ever seen her be so vulnerable for him. Y/n was always just an inch or two behind a wall, always peeking out to give him glimpses but never really showing herself in her entirety. He watched the way that her chest rose and fell more rapidly, watched the way her fingers tightened around his own, and her eyebrows wrinkled on her forehead. It was anxiety. She was anxious and angry and sad. The way that her lips pointed down and her eyes blinked faster than normal told him as such. It kind of broke his heart.

And it’s all so new for him that the only thing he can do is follow his instincts and hope that either he doesn’t fuck it up, or that maybe she’ll forgive him if he does. So, he rested his head firmer against her and held her hands just as tight like maybe it might root her a little better in this room with him, like maybe she might feel safe with him.

“And the people...the people that do these things to you. That do these racist acts all the time they--they look like me don’t they?”

Her eyes that were trained on the ceiling fell down to meet his again. They’re still sad, but a little softer now.

She nodded slowly a bit of a grin forming on her lips.

“I’ma be honest ain’t nobody walking around looking quite like you but...yes they--they kind of look like you.”

He nodded slowly and tilted his head back to peer up at the ceiling now. There’s an anxiety to it for him too. In asking the questions that he didn’t have answers to, to be vulnerable enough in his ignorance. There’s a desire to get it right because she’s important to him, and then a dread when he realizes the time it will take to get there, and the pain that might cause her along the way.

“Shit y/n...why the hell would you even wanna go out with me? Even I hate me right now.” He sighed.

“That’s just the white guilt talking baby,” She snorted before sobering up quickly. “Look it’s complicated right? Like given my problems with white people and white men in particular, I’m firm enough in my blackness and my identity to recognize everything that I just explained to you, while also recognizing that things are never black and white. No pun intended. I can still love your humanity and your individuality as long as you’re willing to do the same for me. I can recognize that not all white people are the same, that you all think alike. I just need the space to have conversations like this. I need someone who cares enough to learn. Anything else isn't worthy of my time. Either you’re down with me always, even when it isn’t convenient, or you’re not. So, which is it?”

Her eyes are wide and clear. It’s that firmness in the set of her jaw that gets him. She’s dead serious. Either he buys into her, and all of her, or he doesn’t deserve any of her. He can see that. He can understand it. It’s not that he wants her bad enough to “deal” with the rest of it. It’s that he wants her bad enough to understand all of her. He wants to know. Needs to.

“I’m down.” He assured her reaching for her cheek in his palm. “For all of it.”

“You’re sure?” She mumbled with desperate eyes. “Cause if you’re not we can go back New York and just be fuck buddies again. You can still find you some white girl without hundreds of years of internalized genocide and systemic oppression on her shoulders.”

He shook his head and kissed her until the tension melted from her body. Because he needed it to. He needed her belief in him, her trust.

“I’m so damn sure it’s insane. Just want you.” He whispered.

She reached for his lips pulling him back to kiss her again.

“Promise.” She demanded as if it was even an option.

“I promise.”

***

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[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 26.02.18 lb

“KAAGAZI SHER DHER HO GAYE.”

LMAO THAT’S WHAT THIS FUCKING SHOW SHOULD BE CALLED. 

lel “apni chutiya ghumaao”

hubs is coming around to chamki it seems!

damn, he really is! he’s maneuvering it to sex her up!

look at these two idiots, giggling and smirking like they caught mummy-daddy kissing.

ok shivaay pls. no. leave the dehaati talk to someone not as bougie as yourself.

can’t take him seriously/focus on whatever he’s saying so seriously when he’s rocking some srs sex hair like that. 

snort. looks like gauri couldn’t resist the bhaang again.

gosh some real sleeping beauty vibes here. omkara getcho ass in here and kiss the girl awake!!!!!!!!! 

damn, i love how pinky is like baakiyon ko chod anika, (incl. my raja beta shivaay), YOU’RE FINE RIGHT??????/ 

haaye when lord when will i get proper mom pinky to beti anika? sochte hue hi humri eyezh se bhatar aa raha hai.

LMAO THE MATAK. EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE DOES IT I HAVE TO PAUSE THE VIDEO COZ I’M LAUGHING TOO HARD.

damn sumo. evil really suits you. i mean, dat glo up. fucking amazing. maybe i should completely give up my moral code too. hmmmmm... 

i want rosie ka matakne waala tabla bg music to be my ringtone.

aaaaaaaaand veer chutiya just laid the whole plan out.

OH HO ANIKA CAN YOU CONTROL THE SHOCK FACE. MATLAB, EITHER OVERACTING, OR NO ACTING. BEECH MEIN KUCH NAHI AATA KYA?

arre waah, there’s a scheduled meeting of all the oberoi dushmans tomorrow. how organized! i bet there’s email reminders and snacks and everything!

MAN SRSLY. I LOVE EVIL SUMO SO MUCH. *kisses her beautiful evil little face*

also god gauri looks sooooooooo goooood today. how lord howwwwwwww can one person be this beautiful this is so fucking unfair where is the manager of this dept of giving out good looks i’d like to speak to them please about how unfair this is!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG ANIKA YOU IDIOT GIRL JUST SPIT IT OUT INSTEAD OF SCARING EVERYONE HERE

AAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I WAS RIGHT. I WAS RIIIIIIIIGHT. GAURI DOES KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ROSIE RANI/VEER. FUCKING GULNEET JUST DIDN’T WRITE HER INTO THE SCENES.

*SCREAMS ENDLESSLY AND ETERNALLY*

please excuse me while i gloat a little:

ok gloating done. 

no wait, one more.

*now* i’m done. let’s move on. 

damn omki shomki’s really taking it hard. sigh. i know bb. i know. you loved her the most. you loved her even more than you loved your real sister. (who, btw, like... is she alive? you guys don’t even mention her in passing....? it’s a lil weird, man.)

i love how even anika’s more concerned about om and is like “u ok bro????” rather than focusing on her own husband’s trauma lol.

DADI KI DOST KI POTI MY ASS. YOU ASSHOLES JUST LET ANY DAMN RANDO TRAIPSE AROUND THIS DAMN HOUSE WITH ZERO BACKGROUND CHECKS. LIKE.... HONESTLY.

yeah, that’s what you get when you turn your wife into your “best friend” and proceed to marry someone else in front of her. can’t say i’m sympathetic to rudra here. stupid little shit. 

GOD CAN YOU FUCKS STOP SHELTERING RUDRA SO MUCH??????? IF HE’S OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED, HE’S OLD ENOUGH TO BE CONFRONTED BY THE UNPLEASANT TRUTHS OF LIFE. GAWD. 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand rudy knows. because y’know, he has the magical power OF HEARING. 

yeah, this is why no one tells you shit rudra. coz you have the coping capabilities of a fucking 12 year old. 

LMAO WHUT??????????? WHY ARE THEY PLAYING NOOR-E-KHUDA?????????? 

ah fuck man they didn’t have to do me dirty by playing the raksha bandhan flashbacks with om/sumo. that was a truly special moment of the show for me. 

crying @ om kissing rudra. I WILL NEVER EVER EVER TIRE OF THIS SHOW DOING ONE (1) THING RIGHT: MEN SHOWING PHYSICAL AFFECTION TO OTHER MEN WITH ZERO RESERVATIONS. 

what “hamesha se best friend maana” and all? you’ve HAMESHAAAA treated her like shit. you didn’t even give a fuck about her till like 3 seconds ago, after she came back and did something for you. if this is how you treat your “friends”, no wonder you have zero friends (other than your brothers, who are somewhat biologically programmed to love you.)

i hope chubby has found better friends by now. 

yiiiiiiiiikes, bade bhaiyya is gonna go after sumo. watch out girllll.

ok gauri has a lotttta opinions on a chick she’s known like... a month, max. 

ok blah blah blah shivaay ka credo stating that hum saath hai dushman haarega blah blah blah. booooooooring. tum sab chutiye the, ho, aur hamesha rahoge. bas kabhi kabhi lucky ho jaate ho. 

lmao “extra security” ok. sure. uh huh. jinko ghar mein ghusna tha, unko toh aapka raja beta khud uthaake ghar mein laaya hai. ab is extra security ka kya achaar daaloge? 

omg finallllllllllllllllllllllllly om in just the sweater, NO VESTTTTTT. uh huhhhhhhhhhhhhhh honey. *pauses and niharofies and strokes screen lovingly*

yes ok shivaay u look good in black too. ab hatt saamne se. lemme stare at om’s arms in that sweater some more. mmmmmhmmm.

OMFG WHY DO YOU DUMBASSES DO SUCH OBVIOUS ISHAARABAAZI OUT IN THE OPEN LIKE THIS

oh thank god dadi isn’t here. there’s a limit to how many annoying oberois i can handle at one time. 

ok naachna shuru; fuck that shit. fwding.

apparently om’s forgiven jhanvi for being a tight-ass banshee who keeps taking tej’s side.

y’know, the man who tried to set her on fire in this very living room. and tried to feed her son to a fucking crocodile. that man. 

ok you know what, i’m happy for pinky. she’d suffered long and hard enough (more than anyone else in this show EVER HAS for their actions.) please god, lemme have happy pinky being a good mom to her kids now. 

awww, how sweet is this tiny moment too!

yuppppppppppp, veer’s here to put nazar. asshole.

MY GOD SHIVAAY FFS COULD YOU STOP ~~~~~~ACTING WITH YOUR FACE SO MUCH. 

waaaah, dumbass veer and sumo are having their ‘fuck the oberois’ congress right here in the open. 

lmao aniRu’s sinister smile waala dancing with sumo. 

itne haq se shivaay ne kabhi anika ka haath nahi pakda hoga jis se woh veer ko pakad ke laa raha hai. #shiVeer #myOTP

waahhhhh shivaay/bhavya also have some kanji aakhon waala coordination. matlab amaze only. 

LOL SRSLY I CAN’T GET OVER HOW SHIVAAY’S JUST DANCING WITH VEER OUT HERE, LIKE... DAMN SON, TRY TO CONTROL YOUR HATE-LUST FOR HIM A LITTLE, YOUR WIFE’S LITERALLY RIGHT THERE?????? 

gosh so much ishaarebaazi happening here and there and everywhere it’s fucking ridiculous. 

.... like didn’t veer just have the hots for anika and want her? now suddenly he’s all OBEROIS KI BARBAADI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too??? like... why? dude, don’t you have much better things to do in life? honestly, why are you even swimming in this kiddy pool of imbeciles when you’re the king of evil in goa? 

whut? arrest warrant for shakti? why? 

why do i even care is the REAL QUESTION. 

[something-called-sno]

Eragon (And why this series is a gem)

Uhg, you guys. Ive been re-reading the_ Inheritance Series_ and browsing though the wiki, and can I just say, Eragon. I love him so much. Despite the series being.... Okay you know what, we where kids, like teenagers. Of course we loved the books despite the cheesy writing.   Okay, so this is like more of a rant/ adore post. So bear with me, its kinda messy. <3

Dumb as rocks Eragon, has some fantastic descriptions from the other characters of the book and his power. Yeah, he can kick anyones ass. Lets list them: Appearance:

He started out as a simple farm boy. Skinny, gaunt, almost starving.

Average height

Intense brown eyes

brown hair

An average nobody, honestly

He then starts to train and become more powerful and he has a magic spell cast on him to change his appearance:

Face more angular and smooth

Skin emitting a faint glow of magic

Slanted eyes and tapered ears

Hotter then a sexy dude, and more rugged than a elf.

Like, lets just pause there for a minute. Im swooning. thats like a perfect combination. No wonder everyone was falling over him. BUT HE WAS SO GOD DANG OBLIVIOUS to it.. Like bruh. 

And then how others describe him:

(In Battle) “Garbed like a prince”

“powerful and implacable”

“fearsome warrior”

More noble and feline

Dude. Eragon is so oblivious to all of that. Like amen, he was more concerned about NOT DYING, and running off to go do stupid things that actually turned out to be helpful, than what others thought about him. Hes like the most down to earth guy ever. How could anyone hate him. Hes only trying to survive while going through puberty. Literally. 

His Titles.. Like Aelin Ashryver Galathynius, you gotta step up your game. 

Shadeslayer 

Firesword 

Argetlam 

Shur'tugal

The Last Free Rider (Formerly) 

Bromsson

Son of None (Formerly) 

Bane of the Ra'zac

Morzansson (Formerly)

Elf Friend

Kingkiller

Grand Master of the Dragon Rider order

Leader of the Varden 

Vanquisher of Snails

Little One 

God dammit, if this isnt awesome enough. 

Love interests:

ONLY ONE. Like goddamn, he was oblivious to everyone else. Cough Cough Trianna you are weak. Go away. 

Arya. Arya was his one true love. AND GUESS WHAT? They. Did. Not. End. up. Together. By. the. End. Of. THE. SERIES.

Not even a kiss. (Im sure alot of us where disappointing, because finally Arya had warmed up to Eragon.) Urgm still salty about that. BUT, There was something better.

Arya is starting to reciprocate Eragon's feelings but her sense of duty and fear of Eragon losing interest in her and so betraying her keeps her from fully acknowledging her feelings. BRB, Going to go cry in a corner, because they are perfect for each other and never ended up together. (Im looking at the next book, CP, There better be a reunion with lots of drinking involved)

LIKE I know this shouldnt be about Arya, but Damn, if Im not squealing at thier growing relationship. And while everyone moans how Arya is a cold, rude person, SHE HAS SECRET FEARS AND FEELINGS OKAY?!

BUT THE BEST PART?! Eragon gives her his True name, and she gives him hers. SHE DIDNT EVEN GIVE THAT TO HER FIRST LOVE. If that is not relationship goals, then I need to reevaluate everything, becuase that is far more precious than any kiss ever. (but still, I wanted one kiss)

Ruling.

Eragon never really wanted to rule. Even when Nasuada was kidnapped and he was made successor, (Like what?) he stepped up to the role, but when things went back to normal he stepped back.  Like, his this super powerful magician/Dragon rider, who could probably pulverize everyone and anyone who as much blinked wrong in his direction and establish himself like a God. but no, Little precious Eragon was like:

“Bitch, I did not sign up to lead a rebel group, I only wanna be part of the rebel group and kick butt, while freaking out, because everyone is waiting for me to smash Galby the Evil King to pieces, but im not sure Im strong enough, and I dont want to fail.”  Like, awww. Lil Eragon, as powerful as he is, is a little unsure and insecure, even though he is like the most powerful person in the army. I love him for it. 

Defeating the Evil King:

LOOK AT THIS. Eragon defeated the most Tyrannical ruler by giving him a sense of EMPATHY.

Like, what is this?!** Instead of stabbing him with a sword, he broke into the Kings mind, and made he relive all the sorrow and pain that Galby caused the people, and that broke the King so much, he killed himself!** Like, bro. Game on. Good job, Eragon. I was really hoping for some burning and like a slap, but emotions. Emotions killed the evil king. 

His relationship with Saphira. We gotta look at this backwards.

Saphira is like his mom. Lets be real here. She is the mom like figure he never had.

He cuts his hand on a branch? Momma Saphira is right there to smash the tree to pieces and make sure hes okay

He cuts his chin while shaving. Saphira claws down the bathroom door and gets stuck while trying to rescue Eragon from his clumsiness

Eragon is insulted (By Vanir), Saphira was ready to rip the insulters heart out with her claw.

Like Mom of the Year and LIFE award goes to Saphira his dragon. 

** **

God, I could go on and on about Eragon, and how imperfect he is, and insecure, and failing at picking up chicks, even though he is respected and admired by everyone, and would have no problem with it. 

But then hes like, Dude. I gotta man up and destroy this evil. And hes like, time to kick some ass, and along the way make friends with everyone and unite the whole land, live life. Get this shit done with and just chill out.

Eragon is like.. The best character ever, and his arch and development is so great, everyone needs to read the Inheritance Series. 

Okay, thats it. I think Im done. I could probably go on for like ever, but I ran out of wine and I would be here till like the end of the year.  ** THIS WAS MY CHILDHOOD SERIES. I GREW UP WITH THESE BOOKS. Im freaking 24, and I still kinda obsess over it. **

[cumonbucky]

Joint Custody

Summary: Reader and Bucky broke up, having to share time with their kid which ultimately brings them back together.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: just fluff (maybe a lil bit of arguing) but just fluff

A/N: I was just sitting down, doing my school work when this cute/funny idea popped in my head and I immediately wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget. Hope ya like it :) I’ll edit later my dudes.

It had been about 4 months since you and Bucky had broken up from a three year long relationship. It was a nasty argument about him not being home enough due to all the missions he’d been going on with the rest of the team. Then, the argument shifted from one problem to the next. You told him you hated when he didn’t wash a dish after using it, he told you he hated how you weren’t affectionate with him anymore to which you responded with “how am I supposed to be affectionate with you when you’re never home?”. The argument went on, touching different subjects until you called it off, Bucky agreeing and storming out.

The next day he came by and gathered his things, leaving to the Avengers Tower where he lives till this day. You two somehow agreed to joint custody with your son, Zeppelin. You would have him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and Bucky had him Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Today was Saturday and you were headed to the Tower to hand over some paperwork to Steve and Tony. You knew you’d see Bucky there and you weren’t too thrilled at the thought.

You make it to the Tower and go straight into the conference room where you knew Tony and Steve would be. “Hey guys.” you smile.

The two men look up at the doorway and smile when seeing you.

“Hey Y/N.” Steve says, walking around the table and hugging you.

“Hi.”

“Wow, you look great.” Tony comments and you chuckle.

“It’s from sucking the souls out from my enemies.” you flip your hair over your shoulder, causing the two to laugh. “Anyways, I brought over the files you asked for. They were a little tricky to get ahold of but I got ‘em.”

“You’re a life saver.” Tony says, taking the folder from you and opening it.

“Mhm. I expect food as a token of your gratitude. Chinese is always good, or if you really wanna seal the deal, Olive Garden.” you say. “You both know where I live.”

And with that, you turn to the door, Tony and Steve saying goodbye. While making your way to the elevator, you pass the conjoined living room and kitchen, seeing Sam, Wanda, Nat and Clint. You make a U-turn and enter the room, smiling when Wanda spots you first.

“Y/N!” she shouts, rushing over to you and engulfing you in a hug.

“Hey Wanda.” you giggle.

“I haven’t seen you here in forever! Nat and I were just talking about going out for lunch today. Do you want to come?” she asked. You look over her shoulder and wave at Nat who got up and hugged you tightly.

“Uh.. Sure, why not. I’ve got nothing else to do.” you shrug. The girls cheer at your acceptance and you look over at Sam and Clint. “Hey guys.”

They greet you back and you were about to talk with them when you heard that all too familiar voice. Spinning around you see Bucky standing at the counter with Zeppelin standing next to him.

“Here you go buddy.” he murmurs, scooping some food onto a plate and placing it on the floor for Zeppelin to eat.

“What are you feeding my son, Bucky?” you spoke, walking closer to the two.

Bucky’s gaze shifts from Zeppelin to you and he pursed his lips. “Food and he’s our son, Y/N. Not just yours.”

“I sent over food with him.”

“Yeah and he didn’t like it.” the brunette argued.

“Bullshit. He eats it at home.” you respond. “Have you been feeding him human food every time he comes here?”

“He likes it.” Bucky folds his arms.

“Wait,” Clint whispers amongst Sam and the girls. “They have a son?”

“Mhm.” Sam nods.

“Zeppelin.” Nat confirms.

Clint quirks an eyebrow. “Zeppelin.. The dog?”

“Yep.” Wanda nods.

“They got a dog two years into their relationship and four months ago, when they broke up they decided on this joint custody thing.” Sam explained, all their eyes on you and Bucky.

“Y/N gets him Monday through Thursday and Bucky gets him Friday through Sunday.” Wanda adds.

Clint scoffed. “I really need to come visit more often.”

“I can’t believe you would do this.” you shake your head.

“It’s just human food Y/N, sorry that he doesn’t like the shitty dog food you buy him.” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“He’s gonna get used to that and soon he’s not going to want the dog food anymore.” you sigh. “They make dog food for a reason - so that dogs can eat it.”

Bucky gasps. “Are you calling our son a dog?”

“He is a dog you gigantic idiot.”

Bucky kneels down to be leveled with Zeppelin who was done eating the food from the plate. “It’s okay, Z. Mommy’s just being a big meanie.” he says as he hugs the dog.

You sit on the floor. “And daddy’s being a dumbass because he’s feeding you junk food and you can get sick.”

Zeppelin pulls away from Bucky and turns to you, nudging your shoulder with his nose. He always did this when he wanted you to pet him. So you did.

Bucky glared at you. “I don’t always feed him junk food.”

“Oh really? Then please tell me what other foods you feed him that are healthy!” you respond.

“He likes carrots!”

“Oh! Thank god the only healthy food you give him is carrots!” you say in a sarcastic tone.

“He likes broccoli too - and raw eggs!” Bucky moves to a sitting position.

You look at him as if he’s gone mad. “Raw eggs!? Are you crazy Bucky? Zeppelin could get salmonella or E. coli!”

Bucky makes a face. “What the fuck is E. coli?”

You hug the dog. “It’s a bacterium that can cause serious infections.”

“Oh shit.” the soldier breathed. “Well good thing I’ve only given him eggs twice.”

“Today?” you snap and he glares at you even more. You look at Zeppelin a frown. “My poor baby. Maybe I should just take you home today.”

Zeppelin licks your face and barks happily.

“What? No! It’s my day to have him, you can’t just take him from me!” Bucky shouts and you roll your eyes, ignoring him.

Without you or Bucky noticing, Wanda, Nat, Sam and Clint left the kitchen, informing Steve and Tony who they bumped into, to not go in the kitchen because the two parents were arguing.

“I wouldn’t have to take him from you if we were still together.” you comment, keeping your eyes on Zeppelin as you spoke.

Bucky scoffed. “And who’s fault is that?”

“Shut up.” you hissed. There was a small moment of silence between the two of you as you sat on the floor with Zeppelin. You keep your eyes glued to the floor as you break that silence. “You didn’t even fight it. You just agreed and left.”

Bucky sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I thought that was what you wanted.”

“Obviously not. I still wanted to be with you.” you mutter, playing with Zeppelin’s fur.

Bucky exhales. “I miss you.”

“Oh really?” your eyes snap up at him. “Cause last time I checked you were using my son to pick up chicks.”

“Our son.” he corrected for the second time. “And it was one time. The chick turned out to be boring as hell.”

You roll your eyes. “Because that makes the situation so much better.”

“Listen,” he sighs. “I know some of the things that I said were out of line and I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t talking about Zeppelin anymore.

“I’m sorry too.” you say. “I was being stupid. We fought over you not being home enough then it turned into more. The break up was my fault.”

“It was.” Bucky agrees, causing a sharp look from you. “But these past four months have made me realize that I really miss you. I miss you yelling at me for not washing dishes after I use them. I miss us folding clothes with each other.”

A smile finds its way to your lips. “We never got that done. We’d end up throwing the clothes at each other.”

Bucky laughs, remembering the moments. “I miss when we’d dance around the apartment in just our underwear.”

“We probably looked like idiots.” you giggle.

“Probably.” he nods. “But cute idiots.”

You smile - and there was that god damn moment of silence again. You think back to all the good times you’ve had with Bucky, remembering when you two first adopted Zeppelin and how happy the two of you were.

You knew Bucky tried his best to be home when he could. He loved coming home to you and Zeppelin. But sometimes missions didn’t go as planned and you knew that.

“And I know that Zeppelin misses us being together.” Bucky broke the silence.

“Yeah.” you say. “He still waits by the door for you to come home.”

“When he starts missing you I have to show him pictures of you.” Bucky spoke, scratching behind Zeppelin’s ear - his favorite spot.

You smirk. “You still have pictures of me?”

“Well yeah I-” he lets out a chuckle. “I don’t even have a reason to support that.”

The two of you watch as Zeppelin lays down in front of you on his side, whimpering and nudging you with his nose. You and Bucky laugh, scratching his side.

“Do you think Z wants his parents back together?” you question, looking at Zeppelin with a smile.

“I’d like to think he does.” Bucky nods.

“So we should.. You know.. Maybe get back together? For Zeppelin’s sake.” you look over at Bucky. He’s already looking at you.

“Yeah. No kid - or dog should grow up with their parents separated.” he nods.

You both stare at each other, eyes drifting down to each others lips a couple of times. You guys stop scratching Zeppelin, much to his dismay, and Bucky lunges at you. You fall back on the floor with him on top of you, lips attached to each others in a longing kiss. Your hands find their way to his hair and you thread your fingers through the silky locks.

Bucky lets out a groan. Oh how he missed kissing you. It was interrupted all too soon by Zeppelin who tried squeezing his way between the two of you, thinking that you guys were playing around. You and Bucky pull away and turn to Zeppelin who licked your face then Bucky’s before barking. Laughing, Bucky ruffled his fur before standing up, helping you as well.

“So.. Are we back together?” he breathed out.

“Yeah.. Are you going to move back in with me?”

“I think it would be best. For Zeppelin.” Bucky nodded.

“For Zeppelin.” you repeat.

Again, you two stare at each other before your lips were on his in another kiss and again Zeppelin got excited and jumped up, barking. The two of you pull away and Bucky scoffed.

“This damn dog is a cock block.” he huffed.

You laugh and look down at Zeppelin who stared up at you and Bucky.

“Did you just call our son a dog?” you gasp.

Bucky playfully rolls his eyes. “Shut up.” he wraps an arm around your shoulders. “Lets go home.”

“What about your stuff?” you question.

“We’ll get it tomorrow. I just wanna be with you tonight.” he hummed, kissing your cheek. Zeppelin barked. “And Zeppelin too.”

A/N: Why am I so bad at endings?? Anyways, tell me what ya think! :)

Tags:

@your-puddin @heismyhunter @buchananbarnestrash @live-in-the-now10 @jcb2k16 @plumqueenbucky @thefandomplace @chocolatereignz @blueberry-pens @professionally-crazed @idk-something-amazing-i-guess @almondbuttercup @janetgenea @buckysmetallicstump @flowercrownsandmetallicarms @rvb-and-marvel-shit @ouatalways @winterboobaer @thyotakukimkim @hattnco @millaraysuyai @themercurialmadhatter @miss-jessi29 @snakesgoethe @helloitsgrc @welcometothecasmofsar @aboxinthestars @feelthemusicfuckwhatheyresaying @fandommaniacx @hatterripper31 @coffeeismylife28 @bunchofandoms @bobabucky @under-dah-sea @amrita31199 @sebstanthemanxo @mrs-brxghtside @erinvanlyssel @amistillmyself @buckyandsebsinbin @ballerinafairyprincess @spnhybrid @marvel-fanfiction @queen--valeskaxx @bucky-with-the-metal-arm

[callhimnowmarisamylove]

I am seriously concerned about the casting directors on Reign...

Guys, are they ok? Are they even trying? Do they think we’re stupid? Have they employed a script adviser to check the consistency of what they’re making? If they have, they need to fire them real quick, because whoever they are hasn’t seemed to realise that CATHERINE’S CHILDREN ARE ALL REAPPEARING AS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE who are WAY TOO OLD!

Let’s take a trip down memory lane to the good old days when Reign was kinda alright.

Remember this little guy? This lil’ cutie from Season 1? Lil’ Charles. Just in case this picture doesn’t make it quite QUITE clear that this person is a young CHILD, here’s another one: 

He’s tiny right, I mean Megan Follows is small, and he barely reaches her shoulder. Ok good, we’ve established that Charles in Season 1 was a young child of around eight years old. Good stuff.

Now I know Reign has a habit of stretching, embellishing and basically destroying history. Mary and Francis are supposed to be like 14 at the start, and clearly they’re older, but that’s ok, that’s fine, we’ll roll with it.

 The show begins in 1557:

Nice, some fluffy goats and fluffy clouds just to prove this. I’ve done my research people.

So in real life, ol’ Francie Boi was supposed to die in 1560 after being King for roughly one year

And sure thing, as I said, Reign likes to stretch history like, BEYOND the breaking point. So it’s entirely plausible that on the show Francis was king for a little bit longer, maybe we’ll give him an extra year or two. Which means the next time we see young dude Charlie he’ll have aged... hmmm around five years or so? He’ll be approx 12, right? 

WRONG! What the FuCk ma dudes, this guy right here is NOT CHARKLES I don’t know who he is, but Catherine and the rest of them should all be really concerned, they’ve been hella duped! He’s frickin old enough to fool around with this random chick

He’s aged like 10 years in 5, and NO ONE EVEN NOTICED, not Catherine, not Francis, not Mary, and especially not anyone in the writing or casting department apparently. 

Now let’s move onto Elisabeth, Catherine and Henry’s eldest daughter, dis chick from the pilot

Remember her? The one who married the Spanish dude, and then they had to have sex while a whole lot of old men watched, and Mary and her lil’ sweet naive buddies got all hot and flustered cos they were sneakily watching too? Yeah that one.

As you can see, this woman is clearly a BRUNETTE. Well, apparently Spain has really changed Elisabeth. Like, REEAALLY changed her. So good to see her back in 4x01! She goes by Leesa now, she’s blonde and older and basically looks like a completely different person...

Oh Wait.

I guess Catherine just has so many children she honestly can’t keep track and doesn’t even notice when they return to France looking like they’ve endured intense plastic surgery to reconstruct their faces, or somehow age them enormously.

Catherine has the names of all her children written in her bible, although her youngest son Hercule is missing, but I think the camera has just cut off the bottom of the page.

 At the end of Season 3, Catherine brings back this dude below to lowkey threaten Charles with MUrdEr (the most ooc Catherine has ever been, honestly this show is just...)

Now god knows who this one is, I mean it could be Lil’ Henry making a comeback from Season 1 when he was blonde and cute (see below) and got kidnapped by his insane potato-sack-wearing half sister

If so, he too has had a significant dye job at the castle salon. Except whoever this kid is in Season 3, he can’t be Henry because he’s considerably younger than Charles

I mean, what’s the deal? Charles gets hit by the ageifying-ray gun, but his little bro Henry doesn’t? How is that fair?? They never actually mention him by name, so possibly it is Hercule.

Which would mean that this hunky blonde dude Megan’s been posting on her Instagram and captioning with “My boys”... 

IS HENRY WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS! He looks even older than Charles, I CANNOT BELIEF THIS

This makes absolutely ZERO sense, I do NOT understand. The casting directors and writers of Reign either don’t comprehend human viewer intelligence and the ability to pick up on the ENORMOUS INCONSISTENCIES THEY THROW AT US WITH WORRYING REGULARITY, or they themselves have serious memory issues. Or possibly they just don’t care. I really don’t know.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to watch Reign now is by ignoring these massively aged characters, ignoring the yawn storylines, ignoring when the only original characters we have left suddenly rewrite their whole personalities; I’m looking at you Catherine ‘I would literally die for my children’ de Medici, suddenly going, ‘Oh yeah Charles, I have loooads of other sons, don’t you forget that, I might just kill you to become regent again, k, love you, bye.’

I’ll just focus on the pretty clothes and Megan Follows’ profound talent to somehow make something out of this steaming pile of insanity.

Long story short, the only thing Reign is consistent at, is being inconsistent.

Even so, I’ll watch it every week cos I’m total trash. Rip me.

[purspektivz]

Set. Me. Free.

So I am sitting in this hotel room in downtown Birmingham. I had my MacBook on my lap and Being Mary Jane just went off and I was about to get back to working on a proposal and finishing it up on time. My company was just approved as a federal vendor and I was taking steps to finally make a bigger impact my way. When I start typing, the data and knowledge flows and I tend to be able to plug shit in. But it’s the START that gets me. It’s like all the doubts flood me as much as the excitement and anticipation. I feel inadequate, stupid, unprepared, too late, too old, not connected enough.....all of THAT! I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I freeze. I remember being this girl who went HARD after what she wanted and couldn’t NOBODY tell me I couldn’t do it! I was the girl who raised a daughter, who became the woman to do all things the 16 year old pregnant girl was told she couldn’t. I have fought battles for so many others and bent over backwards. Where did this fear come from? This stagnation? The DEEP doubt?

I got ALL TYPES of shit going on in my personal life. I was weighted down with shit back home. Trying to keep my head above water and achieve my dream. Because God keep breathing into me every day and it gotta be for a reason, right? And I can’t give up. I can’t die. I already tried. So I had to ask myself....

What made me feel FREE? What made me feel ALIVE? The answer.....

MUSIC

And when I say MUSIC, I ain’t just talking about this stick-a-wireless-headset-in-your-dome-and-stream-the-shit-outta-some-tracks music. 

I am talking about being the little girl who was raised in a home where ‘that secular (which, for religious Black folk was synonymous with Satanic) music’ was not allowed. 

I am talking about that little clock me and my sister had in our room that had a radio on it and we would sneak and listen to the radio station and rock to groups like SWV, XScape and H-Town. 

I am talking about sneaking in the basement of my parent’s house and turning on BET and watching music videos and swooning over Tevin Campbell as he sang Can We Talk.

I am talking about going over our grandmother’s house and my cousin having a million cassette tapes that he would stick into his stereo system in the back room he shared with his sister. He would blast NWA, Tupac Shakur, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, MJG, 8Ball, LL Cool J, Bone Thugs ‘N Harmony, Eric B and Rakim, and all of THAT! When Mark Wahlberg was Markie motha fuckin MARK! 

Or how we would sneak in my grandmother’s bedroom while she was on the porch or out somewhere and turn on The Box and watch videos other folks had paid for while one of us held that damn antennae juuuust right to get a good picture and sound. We would watch videos from Craig Mack, MC Hammer, Ghetto Boyz and Busta Rhymes. 

I am talking about the salvation I felt when I bought my first portable cassette player. You know the one that held those cassette tapes where you had to stick a pencil in and roll that tape in that shit when the songs started sounding funny. The one that came with the headphones with the sponges on them. And if you had the CHEAP player, that wire in between those headphones was thin and you had to keep sliding that shit on your head. I remember popping in Tyrese’s first album, Jay-Z’s Vol. 1, Total’s Kim, Keisha and Pam album and the GREAT Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I remember tucking those headphones underneath my wool hat in the winter while I took the nearly 2-hour bus and train ride home from my job at Montgomery Ward in the cold and have to walk a half a mile to my parent’s apartment. That shit kept me sane. To run out of AA batteries was to run out of peace!

I am talking about my parents going to work and the landlord’s son letting us borrow his CD’s and we would blast music over my father’s stereo system. Tupac had become 2Pac and we listened to Makaveli. We memorialized Christopher Wallace over the sounds from Life After Death. 

When 702′s Steelo was the joint that made you jump up. 

When Immature was still the cute guys with the baggy clothes and sunglasses we all had crushes on. 

When Blackstreet was begging a mother fucka not to leave. 

When Missy had a wardrobe full of vinyl, but could make a joint that got you on your feet and collabo tracks with EVERYBODY. 

When Lil Kim’s nasty boldness shocked the shit out of everybody but broke a mold. 

When I used to run bath water and listen to that Waiting To Exhale soundtrack. 

When I used to get finger waves and pretend I was that dark chick from Zhanè and went and got my head shaved like the light skinned chick. 

I am talking about being pregnant and being on bed rest and being in the house alone after everyone went off to work and school and rubbing my belly, crying and watching Boyz II Men ‘Mama’ video. 

When I used to watch Next tell a chick they’re getting too close or Janet Jackson get her red locks braided and sing along to the soft voice of Joni Mitchell and Q-Tip spit lines in between. 

When Sisqo made a black made with blonde hair the sexiest thing alive. 

I can go on and on!

Music made me feel alive. Jay-Z’s confidence gave me hope. Tyrese made me feel pretty. Missy Elliot made me feel like it was OK to be different. Rappers like Common, Nas and Tupac made me feel woke. Chaka Khan made me feel like I could be so fucking fabulous, I could run a marathon in red bottoms. Meshell Ndegeocello gave me EVERLASTING LIFE as an out bisexual woman in a time when it was super taboo to do so. Jill Scott rode the train with me back and forth to DePaul’s campus and made me imagine a life after the struggle. When I got my first apartment, I used to turn on VH1 Soul and let it play through my crib. I used to open a window, feel the wind and lay across my bed and softly play that Best of Sade orange CD I loved so much. 

Music was soothing. It told a story. It understood me. It comforted me. I remember plugging headphones into my laptop and streaming Yahoo! Music and listening to songs to encourage me. I remember the music flowing as tears streamed down my face after I had gotten my daughter, who was in so much pain from a chronic illness, to settle down and sleep. I was intentional about what I listened to. I wanted to conjure an atmosphere that gave life. I wanted to hear my own story somewhere in those lyrics.

So, tonight as I sit here on this bed, under this duvet, with this MacBook on my lap, I grabbed these little bitty ass why-these-things-cost-$200 beats by Dre headphones and connected it to my iPhone and opened Tidal. What did I listen to to keep me motivated when I had to take the bus and get my education in the bitterest cold? What did I listen to when I held my daughter? Where was that Kiss of Life track I used to ride along Lake Shore Drive and listen to while it rocked my daughter to sleep in the backseat?

Where was my hope? Where was my motivation? 

I looked in that black search box and began my journey. Words that reminded that there has been worse than this. That I have come this far by faith. To keep pushing. I pushed through so much bullshit in my life, I should write a manual. Don’t give up now. 

Peace.