#(Are my writing abilities good enough to get the outcome I want? Unknown. But I’m gonna try!!)

[little-mouse-adventures]

listen if this stoic, emotionally distant man doesn’t fall to his knees sobbing AT LEAST ONCE in this fic then WHAT is the fucking point

[uno-writing]

Hi can I maybe get an enemies/rivals to lovers imagine with Arlo🙏? Like maybe reader is a royal at another school and they've butted heads for years? Maybe the argument is about reader wanting to challenge John to a turf war and they're taunting Arlo about how they'd beat John just to rub it in Arlo's face and Arlo tells them not to (because he secretly doesn't want to see them get hurt) (btw idk how turf wars work, but the idea is there)? And now they have a big argument about it and it ends in confession? And maybe a lil smooch? Just a lil kiss kiss?

Oooh! Big brain!! Sorry if Arlo's a bit OOC, I had a lot of pre-calc today and my brain was a bit fried when writing this. Hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 662

Warnings: Just some cursing, a bit of smooches, one mention of the phrase "i hate you" but it's not used seriously.

“You’re going to do what?!” Arlo asks incredulously, exasperation filling him at the mocking face in front of him, a smirk gracing their lips and an eyebrow raised at his reaction.

That fucking face.

The same face they’d made whenever they got the upper hand during a turf war. The same face they’d make whenever he stumbled over his words in an argument.

It’s never been more annoying than in this moment.

“You heard me. And you’ll never hear the end of it when I end up kicking “King John’s” incredibly tightly wound ass into next week and knock Wellston’s prestige down a peg.”

Yeah, he did hear right. Unfortunately.

Arlo’s heart drops into his stomach and he shakes his head.

“You can’t do that.”

Arlo’s mind whirls as his brain feeds him the most likely outcome of that turf war. Y/N’s body laying unconscious in a puddle of their own blood while John stands over them, having used their own ability against them.

“Can’t I? Last I checked, you weren’t the boss of me.” Y/N sasses and Arlo’s jaw clenches in annoyance.

“Pick something different to piss me off. Pick anything other than this.”

“Hmm...I could. But it seems like this idea bothers you more than anything else I could choose.” Y/N taunts and Arlo runs a hand through his hair in frustration.

“You’re such a pain in the ass.”

“Good. At least I’m returning the favor, jackass.”

“Can’t you just listen to the ONE thing I’m asking you to do?!”

Y/N shrugs. “I wouldn’t say it’s the one thing you ask me to do. I mean, you “ask” me to shut up multiple times a week so, ya know.”

Arlo realizes he’s not getting anywhere at this moment and takes a deep breath to try and think of a different approach.

“Please. Don’t challenge him.”

“Ooo! Please? You really don’t want me to smear your darling school in the dirt!”

“I don’t care about Wellston! He will send you to the hospital!” Arlo yells, his frustration and worry escaping his self control.

“Why do you care?” Y/N asks and Arlo stays silent for a moment, just long enough for Y/N to put 2 and 2 together.

Their stupid annoying face.

“Awww, do you wove me? Do want me to not get hurt? Is that it, Arwo?” Y/N teases in a baby voice, cooing at the blond in front of them.

Heat rushes up his neck, unknown whether it originates from anger or embarrassment.

“Oh! Is sweet wittle Arwo bwushing? Did telling me he woves me make him bwush?” Y/N continues, scrunching their nose at him.

“You’re so annoying. Would you just shut the hell up?” Arlo huffs, lightly glaring at them.

“Or what? You’ll tell me you wove me? You already did that.” Y/N scoffs, the baby voice now mostly gone.

Arlo lunges forwards and grabs their face, smashing his lips against theirs. They’re frozen in shock and he grumbles against their lips,

“You piss me off so much.”

They finally regain some of their thought process and kiss him back, their hands shakily gripping at his arms to try and ground their flustered brain. He pulls away and sees the dazed look on their face.

“Who "woves" who now?” Arlo hums after a moment and Y/N meets his gaze.

“You do and that’s why you’re stupid enough to fall for my tricks. Don’t tell me actually think I was gonna challenge John? I wanna piss you off, not sign my own death warrant.” Y/N scoffs and the triumphant look from before slides off his face, being replaced with annoyance.

“I hate you.” Arlo scoffs, moving away from Y/N.

“No, you wove me.” Arlo rolls his eyes at the repeated taunt.

“Shut up.”

That stupid smirk appears on their face again, a challenge in their eyes.

“Make me."

Well... Arlo’s never been opposed to some peace and quiet.

[stillness-in-green]

I felt like the plf war was rushed

1.Plf advisors getting hype but no payoff

2.Only miruko, Momo, and Kirishma got time to shine

3.Machia got defeated to easily

4.The war felt more like a raid

I don't know if I feel like it was rushed, per se--it's by far the longest arc in the story so far by number of chapters, and would be even if you cut off the Tartarus jailbreak and the entirety of the hospital aftermath. What it absolutely does feel like to me is unbalanced.

You note that the "war" feels more like a raid, and you're right. As a caveat, it's worth keeping in mind that "Paranormal Liberation War" as a name for the arc in question is entirely an invention of the fanbase. To the best of my knowledge, the reasoning for the name was that big action shonen series like BNHA (Naruto, Bleach, Hunter x Hunter, etc) always have a war arc, so what we were seeing in the lengthy, mass combat confrontation with the PLF had to be HeroAca's equivalent. It's not a term that's in the manga itself, however, not called as such by the characters, not referred to as such by Horikoshi or his editors, not even namedropped in chapter or volume titles. If it feels like a raid, that's probably because that's what it was intended to be.

And that's the problem, really. This arc shouldn't have been about a couple of raids; it should have been about a war.

(Below the cut: a bunch of fired-up complaining. Uses some harsh language, and talks about both injuries and deaths we did see and some we logically should have.)

From the outset, we were told that the resources Shigaraki had amassed were "on par with, or even stronger than" the resources of the hero-saturated society. Yet, we're expected to believe that a force that strong is so easily taken down by a single coordinated set of raids? Yes, the heroes had the benefit of surprise, but there's just so much that doesn't work for me.

First off, and to get this out of the way, it's ridiculous that the heroes even had the benefit of surprise. The MLA had an unknown number of hero double agents. They had people in the government; they had people in the infrastructure. This is an organization that had been living undercover completely unsuspected for multiple generations--how did the HPSC ever manage to carry out a massive, country-wide investigation on such a secretive group and coordinate multiple simultaneous, comprehensive raids without a single person finding out and alerting the higher-ups over a period of only three and a half months?

When exactly did Hawks have time to go and revive Best Jeanist--which he tells us he did personally--such that none of the bugs and micro-cameras he was covered with picked up on it, and both he and BJ could be back in the positions they needed to be in for the raid to begin?

How did Skeptic find out about the raid such that he only discovered it at the last possible second and not minutes, even hours, before it kicked off? How did hundreds of heroes (and even "hundreds" is being conservative, given the fact that they had seventeen thousand people to detain) close in on the villa without anyone from the PLF noticing, either Skeptic with his information network or mundane precautions like people on watch?

Even granting the heroes their surprise advantage--which I don't want to--if the advisors were all supposedly "stronger than the average hero," why didn't we see any of them winning? Okay, yes, Hose Face beat Midnight, but he had every possible advantage in that "fight"; I hardly count it as some big impressive defeat that shows us that the villains were holding their own.

Here's another thing: the MLA styled themselves as an army--they were demonstrably trained in troop tactics. When we saw them in Deika, even their nameless on-the-ground people were capable of coordinating with each other on the fly in response to the movements of the enemy, as we saw come up repeatedly:

Yeah, they were off-guard at first, but as soon as the advisors made the front line (which, you'll note, was immediately), that disadvantage really should have begun eroding. Certainly once Geten--Geten! The number one MLA member most willing to disregard collateral damage! And there he was being a proper leader!--got to the front and started yelling orders, we should have seen the PLF rallying, and I can't imagine any sensible justification for the tides not turning when a) Re-Destro showed up to occupy the highest-ranked hero on the field, b) a bunch of heroes peeled off to try to stop Machia only to get trampled for their efforts, and c) Trumpet got dug out.

You know who don't style themselves as an army, though? Heroes. Oh, they get some basic lessons in cooperation as students, but the extent of such lessons we see is stuff like "why it's important for heroes to have signature moves"--so that on group missions, their reputations will precede them and fellow heroes will already know their shtick. U.A. teaches the odd lesson plan that involves the kids fighting in groups, but there's a huge difference between you and 3 to 6 of your buddies fighting a similarly-sized group in a practice fight, or a handful of heroes teaming up to take down some criminal low-lives, and the mass combat scenario that was the raid. For heaven's sake, look at our closest other equivalent: the raid on the Hassaikai base. At every turn in that encounter, the heroes let themselves get split up and picked off, winnowing down their numbers. It's even explicit in the narrative that hero team-ups were, in the age of All Might, uncommon, and heroes are only just beginning to adjust to fighting in teams. The erstwhile MLA should have had the advantage there.

As to Machia's defeat, I think the big problem with it is not how it happened, per se, but the timescale involved. The plan itself was sound enough, and even with all the kids' efforts, it still took Machia reaching Shigaraki and not getting any new orders to follow to really do him in. Given what we can extrapolate about his movement speed, though, I just don't think the kids should have had time to set all those traps, especially given how much of that equipment would have had to be fabricated by Momo on the fly. I know she's gotten stronger and all, and good for her, but you're telling me that in the four months between Joint Training and the raid, she went from passing out because she created a bag of goodies and one (1) cannon to being totally fine and still able to coordinate her fellow students while cranking out 23 jars of sedative, dozens of feet of rope/cable, multiple fire-resistant coats, explosives they somehow had time to bury, and three cannons?

For fuck's sake, Jirou gave Machia's ETA as under ten seconds. Yeah, Mount Lady slowed him down, but "only a little"--how much time could she possibly have bought them, that the kids were able to to coordinate and enact everything that plan involved?

You guys, go read this post by @codenamesazanka. Machia is so fast. So unbelievably, incredibly fast. "Twice as fast as the fastest train in the world" fast. "Horikoshi clearly did not stop to think about the distances involved here" fast. Three miles in ten seconds fast. It would have been hard enough to square with the needs of the plot that the kids were sufficiently far from the villa to have the kind of time they needed to swing Momo's plan at all, but Horikoshi explicitly letting Machia get right on top of them before the kids even start just makes it completely impossible for me to credit. Machia clearly being slower aboveground than he is when burrowing does not make that much difference to my suspension of disbelief.

My other big complaint? More people should have died, for real. The PLF warriors would not have been holding back. They were ready and willing to kill anyone they came up against. The heroes did have to hold back, because heroes, as we're told over and over again, are not supposed to kill, no matter how dire the circumstances. That difference in ability to exercise force should have been yet another significant advantage for the PLF. I could write an entire list of characters that I think could have reasonably been killed during the raids. That wouldn't be to say that I think any individual, specific character on that list should have died, just that, based on the parameters as they were presented to audience, some number of them should have.

I mean, honestly. How did Horikoshi wanna show us Gang Orca's unmoving claw in the wake of Machia's passage and not have Gang Orca on the list of the dead? How did Fat Gun run right into a mass melee and still have enough fat left over afterward to survive getting trampled by a walking mountain? How did Thirteen survive not getting pulled out of the hospital basement when Shigaraki's Decay hit? How did Trumpet survive getting a staircase dropped on top of him? How did Gran Torino survive a fist through his tiny old man chest cavity?

I could go on and on, but it's not just about the deaths, either. I'm not saying that Kamui Woods necessarily should have died by swinging himself face-first into a blast of blue fire, but I am saying that he should have been out of commission for longer than three goddamn days. You bet your ass I'm saying that after telling us that Hawks' weak point is fire, making us watch him spend at a solid minute or more with his wings wholly enveloped in Dabi's 2000 degree flames, and having Dark Shadow exclaim that his back is completely burned away, Hawks should never have grown his wings back, much less so quickly that they were already visible under his shirt a single day later.

More deaths, more maiming--heck, even more retirements. I'm not saying I love that kind of thing in my fiction--I don't, actually. I think an overreliance on it is a sign of edgelordy nonsense. But the scenario that we had demanded to be treated with the kind of gravity that would have led to such an outcome. To set up a conflict like the raid and have the villains only barely be able to scrape a partial escape, to try to tell us that Shigaraki's victory in Deika granted him such a terrifyingly powerful force only to have them lose every battle they got into, to tell us this was a blow that shook Hero Society to its core, only to be so unwilling to kill or retire any heroes the audience cares about that Midnight is literally the only significant loss… It doesn't work. None of it works.

I don't have much to say on which characters did or didn't get a highlight. I think there were a few more people than you listed that got some good scenes--Tokoyami and Uraraka both got material I liked quite a bit; Dabi famously out-trended the U.S. presidential election on Twitter when he (literally) came clean, and Mr. Compress gave us some wonderfully interesting and characteristically opaque material to chew on. On the whole, though, adding more character moments would only have been dragging out the problem: the scale of the PLF's threat and the HPSC's chosen method of dealing with it are simply incompatible with the feeble "neither side truly won or lost" resolution we got.

And that's my rant on that--thanks for the ask!

[wanderwomann]

I Am Yours

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader (as Wonder Woman)

Summary: With the collapse of S.H.E.I.L.D, you and fiance Steve Rogers stay hidden in the shadows while indiscretions come to light between the two of you.

warnings: mentions of sex, swearing, heartbreak

word count: 1.3K

a/n: Hi everyone! I wrote this Marvel and DC crossover mini-series about 4 years ago. I have since started writing for other fandoms on separate blogs and have found myself stumped with writer’s block.. so I thought it would be nice to revisit and remaster the ‘I Am Yours’ series to reignite my passion for writing. I hope to write more for the Marvel fandom! This series will initially be inspired by Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Enjoy!!!

A mild ache radiates down your spine to your legs which has you wincing for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. Though, it doesn’t matter how much discomfort you find yourself in, you worry about the man a few feet away. You sit and ponder how this once scrawny and sickly man of the early 20th century had found himself all these decades later carrying the weight of this country on his shoulders-- and manage to still look good while doing it. 

“You good?” His voice soft fills the small room on the cabin,

Steve Rogers is covered in dirt and grime as well as a multitude of cuts and gashes. His blue eyes sink into your brown ones. The same ones you lost yourself in 24 hours ago when the thought of tomorrow didn’t carry destruction and loss. His wife beater hugs him a little too tight and his blonde hair sits unruly on top of his head. You harshly inhale some air as your lips form a tight smile with a small nod of your head.

This doesn’t seem to convince Steve at all as he turns off the faucet of the bathroom sink. He takes a look in the mirror for a brief moment before appearing in front of you to which you are now faced with his torso as you are sat at the foot of the bed. You peer up and in any other situation, the outcome would be entirely different but you look away as quickly as you had looked up at him. 

You wring your hands together, “I’m doing just fine, and yourself?’

“Not particularly concerned about myself, moreso you. You were quiet the entire ride here, all 3 hours.” You give him a tiny smile to which he returns to you. It’s not that Steve didn’t believe you weren’t okay, you are the incredulous Wonder Woman. The world knows who you are and what you are capable of. At least that’s what they think. You put up a mighty good front. “What’s going on up there?

His finger taps the side of your head, you keep your eyes trained anywhere but him. But when it comes to Steve, you can get weak. With everything that has unraveled in the last 48 hours with the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D, you find your ability to persevere a bit vulnerable. “I don’t think it’s the right time to get into it. We have bigger things to be concerned about, hm?” 

With that, you stand and head into the vacant bathroom. The reflection in the mirror is a mess: misplaced hairs, make-up smudged, and small bruises scattered on your skin. You mother did always tell that your physical beauty can be a reflection of who you are on the outside. And this defeat that you see is not of a physical damage but an emotional one. 

“Y/N, tell me what’s on your mind. How can we be for the people if we can’t be for ourselves? Hm? You’re the one who taught me that, so what’s bothering you?” Steve’s voice fills the quiet. And you aren’t sure if it is worth the impending doom that will indefinitely follow. 

Your turn your head enough to take a look at him, his eyes pleading for you to confess. “You ever feel like you’re doing good at what you thought you could never be good at? You feel like you can do anything once you do something you didn’t think you could…” You smile, turning your attention back to your reflection, the smile slowly beginning to falter, “Then you take a step back and truly look. At everything and you realize that you really aren’t that good.. That you aren’t what the people make you to be.”

“If this is about what happened with Bucky on the--” Steve begins but you hold a hand up to halt him. He puts his hands up in defense and crosses his arms over his chest to allow you to continue.

“I used to think I was… worthy as our friend of Asgard would always remind me. I used to think I was worthy to the people, to this country, to this world.. To you.” This piqued Steve’s interest even more so. He looks at you with his eyebrows furrow at the mention of him. But he doesn’t interject. “ But I took a step back and I looked at the bigger picture. I could see from your point of view that I’m not the best girl.”

Steve’s mind had been fishing for what you could mean by not being worthy to him. But when the words best girl are said by you, he doesn’t need to ponder any longer, Peggy. His mind goes back to the conversation he had with his once lover a couple of days ago. Meanwhile, you watch the wheels turn in his head. His face shows confusion but shortly contorts to discomfort and irritation, “You were there?”

A light chuckle escapes you and you purse your lips not meaning for it to come out.

“Do you see, Steve? Do you see why I feel like I haven’t been doing good at what I thought I was?” You turn to step towards him, he clenches his jaw and uncrosses his arms. “Because to you, it’s hearing what you said rather than the point here being exactly that: what you said. To her, to… the woman that is supposed to be in my place.”

Steve only experienced this kind of thing with Peggy once, right before she shot him out as he hid behind the prototype of the shield he carries today. He remembers how sh- he understands what you mean. Peggy still infiltrates his mind even after all this time.

You stand in front of him seeing the puzzle pieces click for him about what you had meant. 

“I know it’s silly and childish. I know that is something a schoolgirl has a right to feel but I? One of a God's power.. How human feelings have impaled me. How such a petty one has consumed me? That I will never know. But I know that all I have been to you is honest. So I need you to be honest with me at this moment.” The silence that follows your voice is so eerie and haunting. Steve has no idea what is to come next from you, so he interjects and gives you a brooding look.

He opens his mouth and closes his eyes for a brief second before saying,” You want to know where I stand with my thoughts for Peggy. You think that after all these years that I still possess these- these feelings, right?” 

The venom in his voice is as if you had approached him with an accusatory tone. A bright and shining sign of guilt.

“It’s okay.” The warm, salty liquid spills over and cascades down your cheeks. You were unaware that your eyes had started to cry. Your right hand reaches over to your left, automatically feeling for the cool metal that rests on your 4th finger. With a little hesitation, you wiggle it off, “Y/N, stop. What are you doing?”

You reach down and grasp his hand, bringing it  between the two of you, his hand remains a closed fist but he allows you to pry it open as you set the single diamond ring in it. 

“Steve, it hasn’t been all this time. For her, yes. But for you? It hasn’t. Life had paused and resumed when you woke 2 years ago. You never had all this time like people believe you have. And… it’s not fair. Not to me but most importantly not to you. So I cannot wear this right now.”

With that being said, you step back and gather your shield and backpack. You take another look towards the man that had captivated you those couple of years ago and step out into the unknown night.

[journey-to-balance]

On Valentine's Day and Everyday...

We love others best, when we love ourselves first ...

Today, I want to share what I feel are 12 Ways to Practice Self Care and Offer Ourselves Self Love xoxo ...

1. Keeping our word to others. If you say you are going to do something or be somewhere, barring any emergencies, you’ll feel best when you do what you say you are going to do. Word of Caution: If “emergencies” come up rather often, you will arouse suspicion, your integrity will come into question, thus causing others to lose respect for you.

2. Being honest about who we are and who we aren’t. If you know, for instance, that working in a farm sanctuary is what you were born to do, then you have no business working a 9 to 5 at a marketing firm.

You are disrespecting your talents, your interests and your company who would be better served with somebody who actually wants to be there and would excel in that position. You are also not honoring yourself when you make social plans three nights in a row after work because doing so may leave you feeling depleted. Do your best to be clear about this with yourself and with friends.

3. We love ourselves by taking action around things that excite us. That's awesome self love ... Yes, taking action on the unknown can be scary stuff. We’re never guaranteed our ideal outcome and that can cause us to retreat. But the most successful people aren’t afraid to try something new. Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard and the rest is history. Alicia Keys harnessed her talent and fame to create a totally new venture, Keep A Child Alive. Through clinics, education, and medicine, the global pop star’s not-for-profit is treating and preventing the spread of HIV in Kenya, Rwanda, and Uganda. Jane Goodall convinced others to take a chance on her despite her having no formal training to handle the wild, much less the great ape.

4. Stop trying so hard to please others, or fit in, or be “normal”. The only way to stand out is to be your idiosyncratic, real self. It’s easier said than done, but consider this: all those folks you look up to have taken ownership of what sets them apart and leveraged it to their advantage. Besides, if you don’t own who you are, you disrespect yourself, and send the message to others that they shouldn’t respect you either. Trying too hard shows a lack of self love.

5. Self Love means we don't let other people define our boundaries. Many people have good intentions, but their advice is often clouded by their emotional baggage, meaning, they see things through the lens of their own life experience. So when someone tells you “you’ll never be able to do that” or “you shouldn’t” or “you can’t,” ignore them until you have figured out for yourself what’s true for you based on your own talents, skills, abilities and drive.

6. Self Love means learning to say no. Letting others know what isn’t okay doesn’t make you a bad person — it makes you a strong and respectable person. Be clear about your personal boundaries, what you feel is ethical or not ethical, your moral code and creed, what you view as honorable or dishonorable behavior.

7. Be with a partner who is truly a partner in all aspects of life. Sadly, some people go beyond compromise and are living in a state of numbing self-sacrifice. Muster up the self respect to start over! Though scary, starting over will be less painful than being with a partner who doesn’t want or isn’t capable of giving you what you need, mentally, physically, spiritually …

8. Let whatever we get done today be enough. Self-love means not engaging in being overly self-critical, judging or restricting. It’s so easy to chain ourselves to a to-do list and then gauge our worthiness on it’s completion. How about a purposeful shift towards self-kindness? What if, as you finish one task and contemplated the next, you said to yourself: I could do this, or I could not. If I choose to stop now, I will allow whatever I have completed today to be enough and I will not beat myself up for it. How’s that for respecting your bandwidth?

9. Know that we are not our genes. THIS IS A BIG ONE. We could spend a lifetime untying the knots of our past, but at some point, we must realize the knots are no longer ours. They belong to our parents, grandparents and their grandparent’s parents. The lineage is complex and lengthy and effortlessly passed from one generation. We have a choice and at any point we can reflect on our childhood influences and declare: “This is not my story. I am not my genes.” For instance, your parents may have abandoned you, but you don’t need to repeat the cycle and abandon your children. Your parents may have been alcoholics, but this doesn’t mean you have to become an alcoholic, and I could go on … You are not your history, your past, your story no matter how toxic, how dysfunctional, how brutally awful it may have been. Self-love means having the courage, the willpower, the desire and the self awareness to rise above whatever immorality or horror you may have experienced in your past.

10. Apologize with self-love. Saying “I’m sorry” is seldom pleasant or easy, so if you’re going to do it at all, make it count! An important part of apologizing is learning not to make excuses. (Because that’s just disrespectful to the other person and your integrity.) So next time you’re tempted to plead your case, lay a hand on your heart, check in with that inner barometer and listen to the truth. If an apology is called for courageously, offer one (minus the excuses).

11. Be willing to accept reality. You must be willing to see things and people as they are. It can be painful to acknowledge that there is a problem with ourselves, our loved ones, or a situation. But if you don’t deal with the problem with curiosity and courteousness, your situation will be prolonged. And that is not very respectful of your time and energy and lacks self love.

12. Self Love means loving our body. Our health, like everything else in our life, is a relationship. The more we pay attention to it and nourish it, the more our body thrives.

In closing, remember to treat yourself the way you’d want others to treat you. By focusing only on our self-perceived faults and flaws, we’re basically giving permission for the rest of the world to focus on them too. By spreading gossip and intrigue, we cause others not to trust us. By perpetuating co-dependency, we invite others to manipulate us. By dwelling in jealousy or envy, we betray our own potential.

Only by staying true to ourselves, with honor, grace, humility, sincerity and honesty, can we stand tall and grow into the beautiful person we were born to be. I believe that when we truly love ourselves, everyone benefits.

Dear Tumblr family, thank you for writing me into your story, for giving me a part to play in your everyday. 

Keep Shining & Happy Valentine’s Day 2020

Maritza Alvarez, Creator Our Journey to Balance 

[therainroguefanfiction]

🔥 ℝise Ⱥbove I̾t ◈ Chapter 034 [Jen versus Iida]

📑 Table of Contents | ◂Backward

Word Count: 2,040

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

〈“Take the hurt and the pain, I don’t need it! I wanna live, I wanna be the change. We can all be kings and queens, if we can just learn to believe.” Thousand Foot Krutch, “Fly on the Wall”〉

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

I made my way back to the seating area for my class, settling down behind Fumi. The match had already begun and Ochaco was going on the offensive first.

“Wow, look at her go! That’s a good start and all she has to do is touch him one time!” Zuku spoke up, his eyes shining with excitement.

“But it won’t be easy. You know Bakugo’s not gonna let her get too close to him.” Iida added.

“Which is why he won’t dodge. He’ll focus his energy on counter-attacking!”

She got in close to him and with a sweep of his hand, Bakugo launched an explosion at her. All of us were on the edge of our seats.

“Woah! She flew her jacket over as a decoy, what incredibly quick thinking!”

Ochaco appeared behind him, reaching her hand out but he whipped around, sending her flying backward with another explosion.

“Look at that reaction time!” Sero exclaimed.

“Seriously, that dude’s insane…” Sparky commented. “You can’t get the drop on him. And since Uraraka can’t use her quirk unless she touches him, his lightning-fast reflexes put her at a huge disadvantage.”

I wanted to make a smart remark to him but the sudden explosion in Ochaco’s face made me flinch, keeping my eyes on the match. I knew deep down that if he actually held back, it would be an insult to both of them, but still… it’s a painful match to watch. I can’t imagine someone so goddamn pure being on the battlefield, ya know? I kinda wish she didn’t want to be a hero.

Warmth enveloped my hand, breaking me from my thoughts. I hadn’t even realized how hard I was gripping Fumi’s shoulders until his hand rested over mine. I mumbled a quiet apology, loosening my grip but not pulling back.

Ochaco appeared behind him again to the same result as before. Over and over again, she kept getting blasted only to get back up and keep fighting. Why? What the fuck is driving her? Pushing her to give it her all? I just don’t get it, man. It’s obvious to everyone that she’s outmatched, and I hate to think that, but Bakugo is just in another league when it comes to combat. Even so… she keeps getting up. I know she wants to be a pro hero, but she doesn’t have to get her ass kicked by Bakugo to do it!

“Looks like she’s not resting between attacks despite being exploded. Poor girl…” Mic’s voice was low and devoid of his usual enthusiasm. What a fucking buzzkill. And then the audience started to buzz like angry bees.

“Hey, shouldn’t one of the teachers step in?”

“Yeah, this is too rough.”

“This is shameful! Listen, kid!” A man in the audience stood up, raising his voice as he pointed down at Bakugo. “You really want to be a hero? Then stop acting like a bully? If you’re so good, then just send her out of bounds!”

“Who the fuck -” I growled, standing up as my blood started to boil. “- does that dickbag think he is?”

“W-Winchester, calm down!” Sparky cried, swallowing hard.

“Stop toying with her and end this match!”

“Yeah, you heard the guy!”

“The crowd is now booing Bakugo!”

“Winchester!”

I rushed forward, jumping up onto the railing as my skin started to glow red. My narrowed eyes swept over the crowd before landing on the man that started this. “Shut the fuck up, all of you! All of you fuckers came here to watch these fucking kids beat the ever-living shit out of one another and now you want to boo and cry foul?!” My hands shook as small flames licked at my fingertips. “What fucking hypocrites! What right do you have to order that this match be stopped, huh?! Fucking Ochaco is fighting her fucking hardest to win, and so is Katsuki! You’re really going to rob her of her chance because you can’t handle it?! Stop being a pussy or fucking leave!”

“Winchester is now insulting the crowd! To be honest, I kind of agree with what the crowd is sayin – hey, woah! What the crap?!”

“Where is the man who started this uproar? Are you a pro?” Aizawa demanded angrily. “Because if you’re being serious, you can go home and hang up your cape! I’d suggest looking into a new career.”

I snarled at the man, waving my hand like I was shooing away a bug. “You heard ’em! Scurry off with your tail between your legs, you fuckin’ cunt.”

His eyes narrowed at me. “You rude little b -”

“Bakugo’s fierceness is an acknowledgment of his opponent’s strength. He knows she deserves to have made it this far, so he’s making sure he does whatever it takes to keep her at bay and come out on top.”

“I think it’s about time,” Ochaco said, grabbing everyone’s attention as she breathed heavily. “Thank you, Bakugo, for keeping your eyes focused on me!”

“What?”

Wait a minute… my eyes widened as my gaze snapped up. Ochaco, you little fucking minx! I didn’t notice it because I was so worried about her, but now everything makes sense. She kept attacking non-stop to distract Bakugo while she used her quirk to float up the debris he had made with his explosions.

With a cry, she brought her fingertips together. All at once, the debris started to fall from the sky, shooting toward Bakugo like angry missiles.

“A meteor shower!!”

“Now you notice…”

“She had a plan all along!” Zuku jumped up, gripping the railing.

Ochaco rushed at him, using the debris as a distraction. Bakugo held his wrist, the other palm facing toward the sky. He unleashed a powerful, large blast, the force nearly knocking me off the railing as it sent Ochaco flying backward. I huffed, kneeling down to grab the railing between my feet.

“Bakugo banks out a huge demonstration of power! He blasted apart Uraraka’s finishing move and remains untouched!”

No, he ain’t untouched. It’s really fucking subtle, but his hand is shaking. That blast took a lot of out him.

Ochaco shakily climbed to her feet and Bakugo rushed forward to attack, stopping short when she fell over, hitting the ground. Poor girl, she’s completely spent.

“Uraraka is down!!”

“It’s too much…” Iida breathed out.

“Yeah,” Zuku nodded worriedly. “She’s way past her limit.”

Ochaco started to crawl across the ground toward Bakugo, still not wanting to give up. Holy fucking Deadpool in a tutu, I never knew that girl had so much fucking drive within her. Midnight held her hand up to Bakugo and he relaxed his stance as she rested her hand on Ochaco’s back.

“Uraraka is K.O’d. Bakugo advances to the next round.”

“And that’s it for the second round! Ah, I was really pulling for her… Oh yeah, I guess Bakugo is moving on…”

I sweatdropped. Note to self: Kick the cockatiel next time I see him.

“You’re supposed to be unbiased, you know.”

“Let’s try to forget that depressing outcome!”

“Or not.”

“With that, the second round is complete! We’re taking a quick break and then we’re back with more matches!”

I hopped down from the railing and rushed off before anyone could stop me, heading toward the waiting room. Man, that was the most intense match, I hope Ochaco is okay. I bet she’s upset about losing, but she should feel proud. She did really fucking well against Katsuki. I rolled my neck as I stepped into the air-conditioned room. My match against Iida is next. He always annoys the piss of out me, so I surely don’t mind getting the chance to unleash some hell on him.

“Woohoo!! We’re finally about to learn who the winner is in the eleventh match – Kirishima or Tetsutetsu! Whoever prevails in this arm-wrestling match will advance to the third round! Let’s go!!”

I fell into the chair with a sigh, letting my head fall back. All this way and I can still hear that fucker as if he were standing here screaming in my damn ear. That’s one hell of a quirk, bro. I hope Kirishima wins his match. He’s so strong and full of spirit, but he lacks confidence in his abilities. I should really talk to him about that. Maybe I can take a piece of paper and write ‘You are strong, you are awesome, stop doubting yourself’ and smack him in the face with it. Why stop there? I need to do the same for Zuku.

“Kirishima earns his spot in the third round!”

Atta boy, Kirishima.

“Now we’ve got a full roster for the next round of the tournament! Let’s get the party started now, ya dig?!”

That’s my cue, ugh. I left the room, heading down the hallway.

“The first match of round three! He comes from an elite hero family, from the hero course, Tenya Iida! Versus! Her origins are completely unknown, also from the hero course, Jen Winchester!”

I sweatdropped as I stepped out into the sunlight. Elite versus unknown, huh? How fucking annoying. Iida’s eyes narrowed at me from across the arena, his voice low and full of distaste. “I don’t trust you, Winchester. Your attitude leaves much to be desired and you always act as if you know something we don’t, like you’re hiding something.”

I scoffed. “And? As if your holier than thou attitude is any better. Always prancing around like you’re better than everyone else, ordering people around like their beneath you, telling people how they should be acting. I’m gonna be honest, I’m really going to fucking enjoy knocking your ass down a few pegs, elite.”

“START!!”

My body temperature shot up as fire swirled across the ground in front of me. He took off running, his speed enough to dodge the onset of flames. I scowled, my eyes following his movement. There’s no point in trying to chase the fucker around, he’s too damn fast for me to catch. Instead, I’ll create an opening and let him come to me. Just as my flames were dying down behind me, he appeared in the air in front of me.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

“What incredible height on that jump! He easily cleared the flames surrounding her!”

“Recipro… burst!!” His leg connected with my forehead and I gritted my teeth, feeling my bones cracking from the force. Before I could recover, he landed and jumped again, slamming his leg against my stomach. The force sent me flying across the ring. I coughed loudly, wincing in pain. Fucking hell.

“Look at that speed! Winchester can’t react in time!”

Che. I grunted, slamming my palms against the ground as he rushed forward, but a wall of flames shot up between us, making him stumble backward. I coughed again as I pulled myself up. So he wants to end this quickly, huh? I wonder why that is? Doesn’t matter. If he wants to end is to quickly, who the fuck am I to deny him that?

Limit release!!

My shirt shattered as power rose from within me, rushing through my body.

“Oh no, it looks like Winchester is finally starting to get serious! I hope she doesn’t kill him…”

“She won’t.”

Thanks for believing in me, Dadzawa. I grinned, focusing my attention behind Iida. I appeared behind him just as he tried to jump over the flames again. Using his momentum against him, I slammed my flaming fist against his back, quickly grabbing his wrist before he could go flying. I turned my body once before throwing him toward the arena. His body slammed against the cement, rising up a few inches before falling back down. He grunted in pain, his eyes glassy.

“Learned that move from watching All Might at the USJ,” I grinned.

His teeth clenched and his hand shot up, snatching my wrist to pull me closer. He lifted both legs, slamming his feet against my stomach. The impact lifted me off the ground and knocked the wind from my lungs. Using what little bit of power he had left, he picked me up and tried to carry my body out of bounds, but flames erupted around me and he yelped, dropping me. I rolled, landing on my knees a foot away from him.

“Iida almost got Winchester out of bounds, but she saved herself at the last moment! How will this fight turn out?!”

I tasted metal on my tongue and spat out blood onto the concrete before wiping my hand with the back of my hand. “Is that all you got, prep? Sorry, but I ain’t that easy.”

His eyes narrowed and he made a move like he was going to rush me, but his foot only slip forward a bit, fists clenching at his sides.

“What’s wrong, bud? Run out of gas?” I smirked, holding my flaming hand up. “I hope you’re ready for this because it’s really gonna fucking hurt.” I flipped my hand over and the flames shot down into the cement before shooting up toward the sky. Like a huge wave of flame, it crashed into his body and forced him back out of bounds. My lips twitched up as it pinned him to the wall, the cement cracking behind him.

Midnight rushed up in front of me, giving me a sharp look as she held out her hand. I clicked my tongue and flipped my hand back over, the flames shooting back toward me as they died down until there were nothing but embers against my palm, floating away on the gentle breeze.

“Iida is out of bounds! Winchester advances to the next round!”

“Shooting into our hearts like a wave of fire, Winchester wins the first match of round three and advances to the semi-finals!!”

I stuffed my uninjured arm into my pocket and stepped down the stairs toward the hallway. As soon as the darkness surrounded me, I released my form, my shirt returning to me as pain started to overwhelm the adrenaline. I groaned. My arm fucking hurts. My stomach fucking hurts. I’m tired. I’m hungry. This is fucking torture.

Fucking bastard, I shouldn’t have held back. I admit, I underestimated him…

I released a breath as I turned the corner, grunting when I nearly ran into someone. I tried to walk around the kid, but he held his arms out, a haughty expression on his face. “What’s this? Is someone from 1-A actually injured? I thought all of you were too strong to be hurt and yet all of you keep getting injured. How shameful!”

I deadpanned. “Bro, I ain’t in the mood for your inferiority complex. Move the fuck out of my way before I shove a chimichanga up your ass.”

A bead of sweat rolled down his cheek and he swallowed hard, but that infuriating smirk didn’t falter. “That’s not a very heroic thing to say, is it! Looks like 1-A is training villains, not heroes. You, Bakugo and Todoroki aren’t fit to be heroes. Did you see how Bakugo treated that poor girl? And Todoroki went way too far against the tape boy. And there’s you. How shameful for you all!”

My eyes narrowed and I straightened my back. I’ve got a few inches on this brat, good. “You should really learn to keep your fuckin’ mouth shut, kid.”

He hummed, his smirk growing. “Everyone says class A is better simply because you all faced off against real villains, but we all know that your class did nothing in the attack! You only survived because of the teachers! Everyone saw how easily Shiozaki beat that electric freak! Such a loser, don’t you agree? And that poor gravity girl, who let her in the hero course? She’s not fit to be a -”

My fist slammed against his face. I felt the crunch and heard the crack before he cried out, falling to the ground and cradling his nose. I kneeled down beside him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt to bring his face closer to mine. “Now you listen here, you little fuck. I don’t know what your fucking problem is with my class and I honestly have no fucks to give you, but you better get this straight right now – Katsuki may be a total pain in the ass with the temperament of a deranged chihuahua, but he’s going to make a damn good hero one day! And yeah, Sparky can be a total dunce most of the time, but he’s still a better person than you could ever hope to be. Todoroki is a total edgelord with major daddy issues, but he’s fucking working on it, and he’ll be a damn good hero, too! Every single fucker in class 1-A – minus Mineta – is amazing in their own way and every one of them will be an amazing hero!”

I took a breath, clenching my fist tighter. “Yeah, they all have their issues and I’m convinced they are certifiably insane, but at least they don’t go around putting people down! At least they fucking try and don’t give up! Maybe if you fucking stopped belittling those better than you and actually focused on yourself, you can become half as good as those fucking brats are. Finally, don’t you ever put Ochaco’s name in your filthy ass mouth. You got a goddamn problem with class A? Then you got a fucking problem with me, kid, and I’m a fucking woman – I hold grudges for fucking decades!”

His eyes were wide and full of fear, blood leaking through his fingers.

“Holy crap…”

My eyes shot up and I cursed. Standing at the end of the hall was Sparky, Sero, Ryuu, Kendo, all looking at me with wide eyes. “Fuck my life…”

Kendo cleared her throat as she approached, taking the boy by the back of his collar. “I told you to stop messing with class A, Monoma, didn’t I? Now, look at what happened. Are you alright?”

Monoma stood up on his own, his voice nasally. “Ahahaha! I’m perfectly fine! As expected from a student of class 1-A, that punch was weak!”

Ryuu sweatdropped. “That bleeding nose of yours says something different…”

He simply humphed and walked away with Kendo following behind. Ryuu bit his lip, glancing at me. He looked like he wanted to say something but I refused to meet his eyes and he sighed, following after his classmates.

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

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[freckled-words]

Count The Teeth - Part One

Me: *scatters all my self restraint to the wind*

I’m saying fuck it, I have a lot of chapters done, and nearly just as many days until Halloween. So long as I can finish writing this before the end of the month, I can release one chapter a day. SO HERE WE GO!

(This was likely posted before under ‘Mercenary of the Night’ buuuut given the content change later in the story, I felt a different name would be more appropriate ;) )

This is the continuation from ‘Smoke and Blood’ which you can find HERE

Edited by @the-wild-ego​

“Shhh, you won’t feel it. I promise.”

You lay in your bed, eyes locked on the white ceiling overhead. His voice continued to echo in your mind. His touch on your skin still lingering, and his red eyes burning into yours.

It had been a couple months since the nightmare in the garage. You’d never told anyone what it was you saw. Who would believe you anyway? A vampire and his clone made of smoke, duking it out. Yes, that would go over really well with the police. Your parents would be getting the call about your trip to the psyche hospital shortly after.

If it weren’t for what you knew, and what was still going on, you’d have let it all go by now.

Except you knew the answer to the ongoing problem in the city.

People were being found on the side of the road, in their homes, and at their jobs, in a coma and missing a large supply of their blood. 

The police had put out a warning that anyone traveling at night should go in pairs. To only go out if they absolutely had to.

There seemed to be a new person found in a coma, every week, sometimes two. 

“...When I’m done you’ll take a nice long nap, and then you'll wake up in a month… or a year…”

You were 100% certain, that the vampire you’d barely escaped from, was the cause for these comas. How he was doing it, you couldn’t figure out. Was it from how he drained their blood? His eyes had held you paralyzed, could he do more than that with his abilities?

The big picture in your mind had only the centerpieces, and you couldn’t help but want to finish the puzzle.

Did you really want to do that, though? Did you really want to throw yourself back into the dark, unknown, world that they belonged to?

You’d been asking yourself this every night since that garage had exploded. It was the question that made it impossible to sleep.

Which, unfortunately, was your answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you hadn’t questioned your sanity before, you were certainly questioning it now.

Once you’d settled your resolve on investigating, you’d decided the best place to start was where you’d last seen them.

Which is why you stood on the edge of the abandoned, now destroyed, house’s property.

The small explosion had done a considerable amount of damage. Before, the house had simply been a mess, with boarded-over doors and windows, a lawn that was slowly becoming a jungle, and a collection of neighborhood graffiti art. 

Now it was a charred mass with some of the structure still in place. The doorways were still distinct, a chimney and parts of the wall it was attached to were still standing, and the main floor wasn’t entirely collapsed into the small basement beneath.

There were absolutely no remains left of the garage, except for some pieces of glass, and the concrete floor with scorch marks nearly making it entirely black.

Hugging yourself for warmth, you stepped lightly over to where the garage used to be. It was unnerving to know you’d been mere minutes away from being blown to bits. 

‘Or sent to the hospital in a coma.’ 

Between the two, you knew the explosion was the worst possible outcome. Except the explosion only happened because Smokey Twin had come along to interrupt Leather Fangs.

You shook your head at the childish names you were using for them. You’d heard the vampire address the other guy as NateMare. The name was so odd, but then, the guy could turn himself into a cloud of smoke. An odd name worked for an odd person.

Thinking about smoke, you could still smell it coming off the building remains. Even after a couple months in the open air, it was faintly there. Enough so to make your nose itch.

You sneezed.

“Gesundheit.”

“Thanks.”

You froze, suddenly recognizing the voice.

“Um-”

“Hold your breath.”

A thick cloud of smoke rose from the ground, blackening your vision as it encased you.

Doing as told, you pressed your lips together and plugged your nose. For good measure, you closed your eyes. Already they’d begun to sting and water.

Unable to see, and barely able to hear, you were awash in panic at the sensation of your feet leaving the ground. You were being moved, kidnapped. 

You’d never timed yourself on holding your breath, now you wish you had. It couldn’t have been that long, yet your lungs were already screaming for more oxygen. 

The smoke cloud must have sensed your breaking point, as you felt the movement become fast, forcing your body in a kind of slanted position.

Just as you opened your mouth, you were dropped onto a hard surface. 

Gasping and coughing, you rubbed at your eyes to try and clear them of your tears.

As the bleariness cleared you began to recognize where you’d been dropped. A smooth plaster floor with leaves, a small dirty puddle, and a black, weather-beaten lawn chair. 

This was an apartment balcony, set two floors above the building’s entrance.

This was your apartment balcony. 

The last of the tears gone you looked higher and found your captor sitting in the lawn chair, “You should really keep your curtains closed more often.”

Awkwardly shuffling back from him, you croaked out, “Y-you’ve been stalking me?”

His dark-brown eyes rolled skyward, “No. Just keeping tabs. I was hoping that fanged freak would come back to finish his work.” 

From his bitter tone, you could tell he meant it and was disappointed that his hopes had been unfounded. 

Finally getting your limbs to coordinate, you stood and put your back to the balcony doors, “Gee, thanks for the consideration. What’s with the smoke trip? You couldn’t just talk to me out in the open? You know, as a normal person would?”

“I’m not normal, so why pretend to be normal? It’s not nearly as much fun.” His lips curled into a smirk as he rose from the chair. 

There’d been a safe amount of distance between you and him, back when you’d first seen him in the garage. With him standing this close, you could feel the heat radiating off him. You could see the lightest smudges of soot at the corners of his eyes. You definitely smelled the layers of smoke that wafted from him, some smelling like a campfire, another inhale and it was the sickly scent of melted plastic.

You blinked and found your face being tilted up. A warm hand wrapped around your throat, and the ending notes of a hummed melody quieting. 

You tugged against restraints that were just below burning against your skin, holding your arms against your body, “What are you doing?” 

He didn’t even twitch at the high note of panic in your voice.

“I’m not just a pretty face that blows smoke. I have some other tricks. Unfortunately, none of them are helpful in vampire hunting. So I’m going to need your cooperation for a while.”

Where the skin of his hand touched your throat, a searing, burning sensation began to spread. You struggled harder against the restraints, gasping against the pain. A scream built up along with the heat of his hand. Beads of sweat rolled along your face, merging with your tears. 

His lips were over yours, muffling your scream. From below anyone passing would see a couple brashly being intimate.

The blistering heat cooled, leaving you drenched in sweat and shivering from the wind that touched you. 

Stepping back NateMare evaluated his handiwork, “Sorry about the burn, but I didn’t think you’d agree with my plan just by asking.”

The smoke restraining your arms dissipated. Able to move your hands you gingerly touched where his hand had been. You anticipated a hand shaped brand on your throat. Your fingers were only met with smooth skin.

“What was that? What did you do?” Drained of energy from your struggle, your hand shook as you pulled out your phone.

Switching it to the camera, you angled it towards yourself.

Around your throat was a band, shaped to resemble a chain. In the afternoon light, you thought you saw it shift with each of your movements. It moved as though it had the weight of a real chain, settling just at the base of your neck. When you held still, it could easily pass for a tattoo.

“That is to encourage your cooperation. Help me sniff out this bloodsucker, and I’ll get rid of it.” He shrugged while strolling over to the balcony banister.

You swallowed thickly, “And if I told you to go fuck yourself?”

This got him to grin. Smoke ebbed from his eyes, thickening the soot smudges, “Trust me, you don’t want me yanking on that leash. See you around.”

With a wink, his body broke into a cloud of smoke and took off.

[theattainer]

THE TEN WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO IN A NEGOTIATION

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http://theattainer.com/the-ten-worst-things-you-can-do-in-a-negotiation-2/

THE TEN WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO IN A NEGOTIATION

The best negotiator I knew always acted like an idiot. He acted so well that I thought he was really stupid. I also thought at the time that he was my best friend.

That was probably an act also. Just two years later he stopped talking to me forever.

I ran into him in the street the other day. He smiled and shook my hand. I felt warm, like he liked me again. Then he was gone.

Negotiation is first about warmth. Two sides deciding if they want to be friends with each other. If they want to be in the same tribe, fighting side by side in this harsh world.

After that it’s about vulnerability. Making yourself into the type of person someone else wants to take care of.

This is not a mystery. When a baby is born the negotiation begins. It lasts until at least the baby is an adult.

My oldest turns 16 tomorrow. She negotiates with me every day. I love her. But maybe that’s what makes her such a tough negotiator.

I’m not so good at realizing where all the boundaries are.

Between the outer me and the inner me. Between the me that always loves her and the me that wants her to love me back.

I guess that’s how I am with everyone. If they don’t love me back, I’m afraid, I’ll be less happy.

If I’m honest where the boundaries are, then we can begin to set up the rules. Then love begins.

Tricky!

I’ve probably seen over 1000 negotiations in action. I’ve probably been directly involved in 100 or so.

Every day life is a negotiation. I’m not talking in this post about the every day negotiations although the same rules apply. I’m talking about negotiations where careers and money and reputations and maybe love is at stake.

For me, that latter is the hardest. So take my advice with a grain of salt. In fact, I’d rather tell you all the ways in which I’ve messed up in negotiations. Because this is really the classroom I learned in.

A) IF YOU HAVE A SMALL LIST OF TERMS, YOU LOSE.

Let’s say you are selling a company. One side is usually focused on the final price. That side will henceforth be called “the loser”.

Make your list bigger: what are the terms of the non-compete, what is the length of the earn out, what are the salaries of the new top executives, what are the perks, what are the options packages.

Or if it’s a job: what are the responsibilities, what are similar people being paid, what is the path to higher promotions, what are the details of health, vacation, moving expenses, reviews, etc.

The side with the bigger list can give up the nickels for the dimes to the loser.

B) IF YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH SLEEP, YOUR WILLPOWER WILL BE ZERO.

Carl Icahn, one of the best investors in the world, uses this technique.

He schedules his negotiations for the early evening.

Our peak mental ability (according to Dan Ariely, author of Predictably Irrational, and many other books) is approximately 2 hours after we wake up until about 4 hours after we wake up.

And then throughout the day, our willpower slowly leaks away until we sleep again. That’s why we watch TV and eat donuts at night rather than when we first wake up.

So Carl Icahn will sleep until 4pm and then go to the negotiation at 6pm.

On the other side of the table are exhausted lawyers who have been working all day.

BAM! Who do you think will win that negotiation.

C) MOST PEOPLE THINK SHORT-TERM. BE THE VISIONARY AND YOU WIN.

Applied Semantics didn’t want to sell to Google in 2001. They had raised some money and thought they could make it.

A few months earlier I had made the mistake of turning them down when they were raising money. “The search engine business is dead!” said the greatest prophet of modern times.

Me.

Larry Page told the CEO of Applied, “I’m not getting off the phone until you say yes”.

So Applied Semantics sold themselves in exchange for 1% of Google. ONE PERCENT.

This was before Google went public. So it was a total unknown what those shares would be worth. Larry Page had the vision of where they would be.

Applied Semantics became the Adsense division of Google. Which now accounts for 99% of Google’s revenues.

Are they upset? Shouldn’t they have sold for more?

Of course not. They sold for over a billion in value and created the end goal of making one of the best companies in the world.

You can only get rich once. Don’t worry so much about maximizing your percentage of something. One percent of $250 billion is better than 100% of nothing, as the saying goes.

I’m going to take a break for a second and say something that has saved me considerable stress.

NEVER WORRY ABOUT WHAT IS IN SOMEONE ELSE’S POCKET.

Let other people do well. Then you will do well.

Ok, back to what you shouldn’t do in a negotiation.

D) DON’T SAY NO.

I say this even though I wrote the book, “The Power of No”. What I really mean here is, bury your NO inside of a YES.

I was negotiating with one company once. They wanted me to be an advisor. I said, “no”. But not like that. What I really said was, “You have a great company and I am happy to give advice.”

What a great way to say no! They kept calling. They really wanted me. I said, “Here’s what you should do without me” and I totally laid out the plan they should do. I did it for free. That was another way of saying “no”.

This made them want me as an advisor even more. Eventually they offered enough that I said, “yes”. They followed my advice exactly. The advice that I had already given for free.

There’s a well-known improv technique of “Yes, and…”

In improv, the first performer creates the premise. The second performer can’t change it or reject it, he can only build on it.

In a negotiation if someone says, “well, you’re only worth $1 because you have X” you can say, “yes, and we also have Y so let’s take that into consideration.”

Suddenly your value is higher because you didn’t start a fight. You agreed and added.

E) MANY PEOPLE NEGOTIATE WITH THE WRONG MATH.

This is the part many people don’t get right and it’s hard to explain. I’ll take a simple example. I don’t know if the negotiation took place this way but it describes what I mean.

Why did Facebook buy Instagram for $1 billion. Instagram had 11 employees and zero revenues.

On that basis, maybe Instagram was worth…nothing. Or close to it.

But maybe the negotiation went something like this:

Instagram: Let’s agree to a formula first on how we should value our company.

Facebook: Err…Ok.

Instagram: Forget about our revenues for a second. But let’s just assume we can earn $X for every user you have (call that number $Y). Pay us $X * Y.

Facebook: Err.Ok.

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James Altucher, the famous ex-hedge-fund manager, financial author, and frequent contributor seen on CNN, MSNBC, in Forbes and the Wall Street Journal, and Financial Times…

Asked us to come up to New York and, as he said, “bring a camera.”

We did. And what happened next was absolutely incredible — live, on camera, this famous celebrity conducted what we can only describe as “a magic income experiment.”

I’ve never seen anybody do anything quite it… click here to see what happened.

Instagram probably then showed how they could add $1 in value for every customer Facebook had. Facebook has a billion users. So a billion dollars.

Come to the negotiation with your formula. Know how to fill in the variables before the other side does. Every good negotiator does this.

The reason I know this? Because this is how I’ve lost many negotiations to good negotiators. I’ve had very good mentors on this one aspect of negotiation.

Because we all negotiated the formula, but not the price, in advance, then everyone has already said “Yes” to something and they basically have to stick with it.

(Well, they don’t have to. But it’s high stakes and you don’t want to seem like you don’t live up to your word.)

F) IF YOU HOPE FOR ONLY ONE OUTCOME, YOU NEVER GET IT.

I really wanted my company, Stockpickr, to be bought by Google. I threw everything I could into the basket. I would send them love notes in the middle of the night.

Seriously, I was in love with the woman doing the negotiating.

I didn’t have a technical team was the problem. We built the whole site for a few thousand dollars. I had one partner. We had 99% margins on our revenues but Google likes technical teams.

Oh well.

I then focused on getting alternatives. I called AOL, Yahoo, Reuters, Forbes. Then thestreet.com bought us.

Sometimes people write me and say, “I sent my ten ideas to my favorite company but they haven’t called back. Should I call them again?”

That’s the wrong question. The right question is: “What’s the next 100 companies I should write to?”

It’s no secret that being able to walk away from a negotiation is the best starting point in a negotiation.

G) SMARTER PEOPLE LOSE.

This is what I like to say: you guys are the experts at this, we’ve just been focused on building our product, company, art, whatever.

Then I say, “if you were me, what would you ask for?”

I ask them advice. Because they are the experts. It’s not a lie.

If you are applying for a job with someone more senior than you, why not ask the more senior guy for advice? He knows more than you.

Very often they give very good advice.

H) IF YOU NEGOTIATE WITH A LOSER, YOU LOSE.

If two sides are negotiating, you need at least one champion for what you are doing on the other side.

One time I was working with a company and GE offered us a billion dollars for the company. Yes, a BILLION.

They laid out the time frame. “The deal will be closed by November 15” said the highest ranking person in the room from GE.

I went back to the CEO of the company I was advising and told him that.

He said, “Who were you talking to?” I told him.

He said, “100% chance this deal doesn’t happen”.

But they offered! I told him. They actually made an offer.

“Trust me. No way. There’s no real champion for you on the other side who is close to being a decision maker. She is 5 rungs below the decision maker and she’s your only champion.”

And he was right. That deal did not happen. They found a better way to get what they wanted for 1/200 of the price.

You can only cross the bridge to the other side if someone strong is there holding out their hand to pull you in.

I) THE DEAL IS NOT THE FINAL DEAL. DON’T RELAX!

People think when they agree on a deal, that’s the end of the negotiation.

I’m sorry to say, that is only the beginning of the negotiation.

There’s agreeing, there’s signing, and there’s closing.

The final two steps are equally important and everyone assumes they are easy.

They aren’t. They are excruciatingly painful. The honeymoon period lasts for two days after you agree. Then there can be another six months to go.

Agreeing is easy. “I’ll buy your product or business for $X.”

Signing a deal involves all the little things that are the nickels and dimes (see above).

Closing a deal means both sides delivering everything they represented in a deal.

At each stage of this is buyer’s remorse and seller’s remorse and often things have to be renegotiated.

So every day after agreement, make it a point to stay in touch, be friends, keep focusing on the vision (particularly with the champion for your deal on the other side), have just as much energy to close all the details, keep in touch with the lawyers to make sure paperwork is going through, keep working on the alternatives (since the negotiation is not done til it’s DONE), and so on.

So many deals fall apart after agreement. You don’t need this pain in your life.

LOVE IS A NEGOTIATION.

Taking another break here in the post. Please forgive me for not laying it out all perfect.

When I used to go on a first date I was both scared and excited. I’d get excited first, “she wants to date me!” And then I’d get scared. “Ugh, what do I do now?”

I’d literally do homework for the date. I’d find out her interests and read books on them. I’d watch comedy beforehand. I’d think of things to say and questions to ask. I’m not saying preparation is bad.

One time I was an expert on Kaballah. Another time I had to be an expert on Al Gore (long story). Another time I had to bribe the counter girl to pretend she knew me before my date arrived.

I’d be too scared to show my real self so I’d have to get her to like my fake self long enough for me to feel comfortable showing the real me.

Sometimes that never happened. In many cases I never had a real me. I was always jumping through hoops to keep the fake me going. I had to keep bribing the counter girl everytime we went for yogurt.

This is the difference between agreeing on a deal (the first date) and closing (trust, love, real compassion). This is a problem I’m afraid I will always have. I hope I am getting better bit by bit.

J) MOST DEALS DON’T WORK OUT.

You agree, you sign, you close, and STILL it’s not the end.

Don’t be the guy (or woman) who falls apart now that all the energy of the deal has been expended.

It’s a negotiation and a deal because NOW there is work to do. There is a common vision to be achieved. There is a fantasy that must be made into reality.

Be that person. Be the one who delivers. You have a new baby in your hands as the result of this negotiation.

Now the hard work begins. Raise that baby to be a good adult.

What do you think?

[agent-z-18]

Journal Entry #3

October 10th

So, we’ve decided to meet at Jordan’s house on Friday so he can get my measurements for my outfit. He, apparently, already has some designs sketched up but he refuses to show any of them to me until Friday, the jerk XD. But knowing Jordan, all of them are awesome looking and he’ll throw them all out and complete a brand new sketch before we get to his house after school on Friday. To be honest, I am both excited and scare out of my wits. Once my outfit and bike are finished, I’ll be attending my first ever energy orb retrieval. I’m so close and yet, so far away. Is this weird unknown feeling what it’s like to be an adult? Making life choices without knowing what the true outcome will be?

I don’t know if I like this feeling of responsibility, no matter how enthralling it is…

I just have to keep telling myself that it’s all for a good cause. I just know that doing nothing will just continue to make me miserable. I just want to be given one chance to prove myself and my gadgets before I truly give up on this path of life. Just let me test my tracker and my ability in a retrieval and I’ll judge if my family is right in turning me away. But I have just as much of a right to test myself just like my other siblings got to. I’m just so tired of being alone.

I had to eat my supper by myself last night, only seeing my family for a few seconds when I got home from school. Apparently, Ray had contacted them right before I walked in and Shrapnel and Typhoon were already on the scent of the EO so they needed to catch up. However, this retrieval lasted until early this morning, seeing as they were all still up, nursing injuries when I came down for breakfast. Which told me that Python also joined the fray sometime last night. And with how moody everyone was, I don’t think they were the triumphant ones on this retrieval. But, I mean, how would I know? Nobody told me anything. 

Nobody texted me to let me know they were all right. I mean, it’s not like I care or anything. It’s not like they don’t have any way to contact me, unlike me, who isn’t allowed to have access to any sort of communication with them while on a retrieval. So, I mean, how would I know how they obtained their injuries? Or how severe they are? 

HOW WOULD I KNOW WHEN NOBODY WILL DISCUSS IT WITH? DO THEY THINK THAT I DON’T CARE? IS IT SUCH A CHORE TO CALL YOUR YOUNGEST AND LET HIM KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? Why can’t I be trusted like Evelyn, Matt, and Wyatt? Because I don’t have powers I’m not trustworthy? I thought that when I turned 18 that maybe Mom and Dad would be willing to include me in all those little family meetings they have when they lose an orb to a villain. Or that my siblings would be at least start sharing some information with me. I understood when I was younger, seeing that they wanted to protect my “innocence” but honestly, I would sneak to the top of the stairs and listen in on their meeting anyways and not always quietly. There’s no reason for them to hide this from me. I’m an adult now, right? I can handle it! I just want to be included in what’s happening. Like, we could come up with a code or something if they need to leave while I’m at school so I don’t come home to an empty house like I’ve been known to do. 

Now that I’m writing all of this down, it’s just strengthening my resolve to follow through with this plan that we’ve come up with. If they’re not going to include me willingly, I’ll just have to do it myself. And if that means becoming a villain for a day, then so be it. And I found something that will make it easier. The voice changing choker, or V.C.C as I like to dub it, that I made back in my sophomore year and it still works! If I wear this while out on my retrieval, then if I run into my family then they won’t recognize me right away if I talk. Which, according to Wyatt, I do a lot of. I just need to stop by the store tomorrow after school and pick up new batteries so that it doesn’t accidentally die on me. I really, really don’t want to get grounded for sneaking to a retrieval. 

Oh, I almost forgot, Mike also agreed to sell me his bike. Maybe I wrote something about it earlier, but oh well. He dropped the price to $50 hearing that it was me who was gonna buy it and brought it over right after my folks left. I hid it in the shed behind the garage since I’m the only one who goes in there. I’m just happy that the bike is in rather good condition so any modification I make this weekend should be pretty superficial. But if I’m gonna be a proper villain, I need the bike to match my aesthetic, or that’s what Taylor told me. She has better access to that kind of material than I do, her parents working in news and all. But even the web seems to support her claims. Shrapnel on her awesome-looking motorcycle that looks like she’s riding an actual bullet, Python on her three-wheeled golden motorcycle and dragon-shaped jet, and Typhoon’s color-changing sports car. I, honestly, think that my ride will look nowhere near as wicked as those professional villains, but I think I can make do. It’s only for one day.

I also found some of my siblings’ old gadgets and training weapons that they practiced with when they were younger and trying to fully control their powers and strength. I’ve watched them train enough with them to know the proper grip and I may, or may not, have taken to sneaking down to the training area whenever I was left to my own devices. And I know for a fact that none of this stuff has been touched in years, so I might as well make use of it right? Recycling. It helps the planet. And, if I’m not the only “villain” attending whichever retrieval I attend, I need to make sure I have a way to defend myself. I’m not dumb, I know that I’m nowhere near as strong as the rest of my family, powers or not, and I’m not so full of myself to think I can be on their level. And besides…

I’m gonna need all the help I can get.

[liu-lang]

i had 2 open lessons this past work week, friday morning and monday night. I didn’t discuss the outcome of the first one with the PA (production assistant - they’re part of the sales team and point of communication with the parents). she just never set up a follow up meeting with me. i felt like i could have given clearer instructions so the students understood where to position themselves during the activities. the PA for the second open lesson informed me that the parents left the feedback forms blank and gathered outside to discuss among themselves that i was unprofessional and it wasn’t a good lesson at all. i haven’t felt this awful and like this much of a failure since going through those 2 months of probation. the PA requested that i prepare another open lesson for next class and she will film tt and send it to the parents. parents are displeased that i am chinese american. they expressed to the PA they would feel more comfortable if their children were taught either by a real foreigner (white) or a local chinese teacher. at least with a local chinese teacher, they can communicate directly with them and they feel tt the local chinese teacher can understand and meet their kids’ needs better. i went home to cry with mango. i’m the only chinese foreign teacher at my centre so i feel really alone in my experience.

one of the other senior teachers sat me down and helped me figure out how to improve. she said not to take the parents’ comments to heart too much as parents have a different perspective and what they see during an open lesson is not a true reflection of the students’ language ability or the teachers’ teaching ability. in the past, parents have stopped teachers in the middle of open lessons and walked out or they have stopped teachers after an open lesson to give them  condescending advice on how to teach better. 

one of the major factors in my open lessons not going well is that i didn’t get to rehearse with my students. both of the open lessons were scheduled and i wasn’t informed during the lesson prior to the open lesson (1 week before). there is a procedure to be followed by both the teacher and the PA when it comes to open lessons and it didn’t happen here. i did have a rehearsal with my DoS for my first open lesson which helped me tweak the activities i planned. but she was on vacation by the time my 2nd open lesson came around. 

open lessons focus on 2 of the 4 language abilities: speaking, listening, writing, reading. after drilling the vocab, we move into the language ability activities then we consolidate the language with a parent-student interaction activity. it’s difficult as is to elicit accurate and fluent English from my own students but then to involve parents or in some cases grandparents who have no English is another unknown variable. the open lesson has to have a variety of interaction patterns, teacher to individual student, teacher to whole class, student to student and parent to student. the student to student interactions are always the most stressful. there was a moment during the student to student dialogue where i really felt like i’m not having any impact on these kids’ lives. they role-played ordering drinks. the target language was : do you like [beverage]? / yes i like [beverage]. many students answered : yes i am. i had 20 minutes before the parents came into the open lesson to remind them : yes i like [beverage]. from those 20 minutes i knew they weren’t ready. it made me question, are they really learning anything ? am i really teaching them anything ? do they understand what they are saying ? do they even know the difference between “yes i like [something]” and “yes i am” ? 

each class has 2 to 4 open lessons depending on the course level they’re at. the senior teacher who sat me down to give me encouragement helped me re-conceptualise the open lesson a little bit. i came into it feeling a tonne of pressure to meet the parents’ expectations and to be on par with my more experienced co-teacher and not have my open lesson reflect poorly on her. this lead me to focus on eliciting structures and language tt the students’ are expected to be able to do at that point in time instead of what the students’ can actually do. she told me to just teach them like it’s a normal lesson - go through the exact same order of stages and do activities students feel confident in. she told me it’s my job as the teacher to help the students feel safe during open lessons. which made me think... then why ? why are we doing this thing that obviously stresses the kids out and is an inaccurate representation of their ability ? i really think the downfall for my open lessons is in my classroom and behaviour management. in these 2 classes where i had the open lessons i have students who don’t want to participate and cry when they come to class, students who are overly competitive and will give up if they see others finish or succeed before them, students who are easily distracted by their peers and surroundings, students just don’t have enough practise outside of the classroom to demonstrate any level of english ability independently and can only produce through repetition after being prompted and also students tt are perhaps special needs but their parents refuse to acknowledge it. managing all of this is very difficult and i feel like i just do not have the training or experience to do it successfully. 

i really do want to do my students good. but i only have 1 hour with them twice a week. during certain stages of the lesson, especially during book work where i get to check if they’ve learnt the material, i feel disappointed in myself. this month we’re debuting the updated version of our course for 3 - 6 year olds. in this course, my 6 yo students are expected to read short stories and write sentences. on monday i did the first lesson of the new course with one of my slower classes but they couldn’t even identify letter names. they didn’t even know how to read the word side of the numbers flashcards. i wanted to cry. in that class, there is one girl who definitely has developmental delays or intellectual disabilities or maybe is on the spectrum and yet the parents insist she continue. she is very happy and always eager to try but i just don’t know how to bring her up to speed. these students see a revolving door of teachers - many who graduate from uni without any teaching experience, do an online TEFL course and then are put into classrooms to teach 10 or more classes ranging from 3 to 18 year olds. how is the for-profit ESL industry actually serving these students ? yes the company does train us and have senior teachers mentor and guide us. but teaching is really difficult, especially teaching a foreign language. the communication barrier just makes everything so much more difficult. 

on thursday i start another class with 3 year olds. kids are so exhausting. their parents’ expectations make me feel suicidal and hopeless and like this is all useless. if there are any teachers out there especially ESL who can help me see the bright side in all this, i would appreciate it. 

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

January 7th 2018

 I’ve noticed something different in me which I think I understand. The universe is astonishing lately, keeping kind. It maybe because my wishes always vary from light to dark in some ways, so it doesn’t have to worry to much about how to find that fine balance between love and torture. I consider myself invested in my own growth as I tend to make sure I learn things I need to for my overall goals of becoming a better writer and most importantly so I may understand the humans more. I realize I have a fine sense of people/psychology as I have never truly been one myself, so I am able to take a not so bias embrace to what I’ve heard is truth from many voices in my lifetime. Mostly empathy not so much sympathy.

This brings me to my point. As we both know I’ve been experiencing raw emotions on a next level basis like I have never before felt. In any case I have expressed that I may need some assistance discovering what true evil within a person is like. I never expected in any way that I would become the dummy. It makes a very large amount of sense to me that in some aspects I must suffer in order to test what darkness is, but for me to be both the antagonist and the victim is a shock. Destiny is the greatest writer and although I too wish to be that good, I almost feel like it has a fairly high advantage over me. Over my existence, even at a young age, I have found that if destiny wants to shake anyone simple put it can, perceive or think such an outcome maybe not so much. Its kind of screwy, I have spent many, many of times writing out all the possible situations that may unfold upon the future. I have gone as far as taking bets with you. I feel like its not always entirely true as destiny attempts to persuade me otherwise with letting me predict small things. The problem is that it appears to keep an equal playing field for all the players in the game. If I am able to predict something then someone with an equal or better ability of anticipation an assumption can also interpret the next move. I can’t decide within myself weather to be mad or what, however my only outlet right now appears to be: to push everything towards the unknown. It’s because of the unknown that I am having these issues. This will never solve my problems and will only just do what I am proficient at which is to withdraw and berry any remnants of my issue. I keep finding myself having no reason to be so sad, not depressed, no, sad. A deep rooted sadness that makes me question if I’m going to stop living shortly. My lead theory is this strong inner emotion that often strikes me later in my day almost but most definitely heartbreak. I thought and I keep thinking, sadly, that I have once before experienced heartbreak undoubtedly, previously in my lifetime, however this is not true. We can come to this conclusion because of a recent discovery, one that separates admiration from lust. I’ve always understood love, as love is something given out. Love is not only something given out but something us humans are often exposed to at a very young age. I however have had a real tussle with lust so far. Not necessarily in a bad way but in a very confused way. Confused to the point that the only thing that makes sense to me, may not make any sense at all in the long run. I feel like the conclusion I have come to is both easily agreeable and nearly identical to the literal definition which should lead me to believe I am correct, although, from my point about destiny, I surprisingly may not know definitively. Let me explain, admiration is an extremely intoxicating feeling that makes me unable to get enough, because I find this person to be godly beyond and I must impress them. I fall unable, silent in fact, and yet I absolutely crave that persons presents. No matter how imperfect, their imperfection becomes my idea of perfection. Simple put, envy to an extreme. Lust is completely different is it not? I have gathered at some point that both lust and admiration enjoy holding hands romantically while they gaze at the vast illuminated ocean at the days end. Lust picks at me like ticks in hidden places, making me yearn for something I want desperately. I don’t consistently want actions from a person, but I feel a consuming warmth, like I’ve been eaten. I feel my blood rush in response to the ticks. The ticks are no unpleasing in anyway, but exactly the opposite of pain. I find myself taken away by lust just as I am taken by admiration except the dreams I have of lust are pearly sexual and admiration treats sex like its embarrassing.

In middle school the trendy thing to do was to have a boyfriend. I have to say I’ve always admired the idea of an intimate relationship with another. As I am/was female and ignorantly unable to be anything else, questioning the boy part in the word boyfriend wouldn’t cross my mind. What I wanted in my partner wasn’t sexual and just included sex in the package, so what did it matter to me? I was never repulsed by the thought of having sexual interactions with any gender anyways. In factuality I had already had intercourse with a male before I even entered the middle grades. I found it very glorious on a physical level. When I found the right guy, it would be both physically good and emotionally good as well, right? I was positive that the right guy would spark greatness in every encounter we made together. Wrapping this up I had absolutely no way of telling or evidence to reconsider about my partner not being a male. Why would I ever set out to make my life any more difficult then it already was? I scouted the halls of the middle school for the perfect male partner, even when I had a boyfriend, and was regarded as very happy. I was even admired for my cute little half cocked relationship I graciously accepted my way into as a kind favor. I loved the thought that someone genuinely enjoyed who I was, and could easily be broken emotionally if I were to protest. I’ve always been quite a kind and gentle soul. The boy I did end up admiring, key word, was a kid I thought was perfect in his appearance. I had little to no idea about him and in no way ever wanted him to mount me. I was addicted to how I felt about him however, always speaking of him kindly, and felt disingenuous stringing my so called current boyfriend along for no reason. If I had to break his heart it was going to be over the truth. The truth was simply because I didn’t find him, or in his defense any man, ever to be sexually appealing. I didn’t feel anything but love for him as a good overall person. always feeling that way over and over again towards admirable male personalities. Back to my walking art piece. My luck was quite fantastic when it came to wooing over the male I thought was perfection, sense I ironically had picked up many females online before. Definitely not an overly obvious hint to my clear lesbianism. I persuaded him to go out with me for a whopping ten days. I however was completely ignorant to this fact and avoided him like the pledge. I thought he genuinely rejected me sense he dashed off and didn’t answer my question. When I finally did catch up with him I found many people cheering in shock for whatever reason. Turns out he had admitted he would like to date me for some unknown reason. I didn’t understand this at the time so I was completely crushed into small shards of melting glass pieces when I did come to the realization. We did not love one another, I am still sure of this, but we were going out for an entire ten days. We never actually hung out or chilled, or did anything at all. He just kind of acknowledge my existence, stuck some half ass gum in my hair and made sure to remind me that my life was shit occasionally throughout those days. It was when he broke up with me and I realized I’d momentarily squabbled my chance that I was truly tortured. I retired from ever going back to my only public school option therefore deciding I could easily be self taught. I have only ever know this as heartbreak.

You however maybe wondering quite deeply at this point on, why or,who or, perhaps how, I managed to become heart broken considering I haven’t been with anyone as of late. I’ve acquired many deep and meaningful connections with an assortment of types of humans so far. One of my dear friends for example displays a personality type I like to consider like minded. Their like mindedness gives my brain a magnetic pull of justification. This person is always ahead of me on deep beliefs/concepts that I try to explore making them everything I could find attractive. I guess hiding that this person is female would be silly at this point, but you’ll have to excuse my need to be discrete. I did mention that I didn’t want to desire to struggle in anyway if I didn’t absolutely need to. Having a partner who could communicate both appropriate and clearly to me some of the answers in which I often seek out hands me no reason not to want them by my side forever. I find them both attractive physically and mentally, although I am unable to give out any physical features they have, I am sure you know whom I am speaking of Pain. Possibly I could go on and on about how I have been emotionally connected to this person, however I am not witting this out to cause myself inner conflict. My opinion on this person hasn’t seeped into the quicksand, because it was ultimately I who decided to be a masochist. That’s right I chose to stomp on my completely legitimate feeling. I debated spiritually and mentally about it but inevitably asked the universe to give me the ability to truly open up to her. How would I ever get anywhere in our already existing relation ship if I am constantly clouded by emotions that I don’t have a license to drive? It seemed illogical to me for many reasons. One major cause being that we had already spoke about in some way of, us. She didn’t break my heart because I find that she does love me dearly. Quite sad isn’t it? Already it’s unfortunate, although I am entirely to blame. It is I who fell for her. It is I who didn’t stop me, and it was I who made the end choice of continuing. Even at the time of discovery of my feeling, I still felt back then that I wasn’t a lesbian. I debated long and hard with myself on the topic of whether or not I believed that I honestly enjoyed who I was as an individual. All because of this heartbreak I poisoned myself with. I have always stuck true to myself so if I did decide that I hated me, it would be a difficult task to change who I am, nearly impossible in fact. I really can’t justify disliking my character in anyway due to my overall life accomplishments.

Finally all of what I have written about will come around now into my new thoughts. I asked the world what true evil was like. The only evil I have ever found is greed. Now I know that true evil can and will come from within. Sense I am now extremely heartbroken in order to speak with a dear friend on the same level, regardless of all the circumstances, I am pissed off. I am unable to be regretful about all of it, I am unable to be to angry at her in anyway sense she has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve any form of ridicule, and most important I am not going to be mad at myself for this shit that I didn’t sign up for. I didn’t say I wanted to be gay, I didn’t say I wanted to love her in that way, nor lust. I in no way said yes. I asked the universe questions, I asked the universe for favors. Oh yes I fucking nearly begged for love, because that’s what I was sent to this plane for. I was sent here as a human to do human things and be human and I REFUSE to take the blame for doing what I was called to exist for. No, I caused this, I undeniably did this to myself. I am the victim of my own crime and yet I have no choice but to be entirely angry at the universe. I will thank it, I will take more, I will complete any task it asks of me, but it can’t really be frustrated at me in anyway. NO, if the universe is a friend of mine then it should allow me to be mad. More Importantly because of the truth that it is I who both caused and was effected by said heartbreak. It has ripped a black whole deep with in me. My purity ruined by myself. I see the evil. I see it. I lay my gaze on the darkness I feel, how it manifests from the this sadness. 

Edit from the Future: Blackhole of sadness not heartbreak but a deep warning from the pits of space calling to me, watch out. 

[ericleo108]

☢️ ETM2: Capabilities, Tactics, and Purpose

ETM is the necessary prerequisite knowledge to understanding this information. It explains ETM’s semantic imagining, psychological conditions, and shows how hard it is to see.  This essay focuses on linguistic semantic priming, the red and blue pill manipulation tactic, mind control patents, facial and retina recognition, tracking through metadata, environment forces, the intergenerational tyranny that is ETM, and it’s social and personal assault tactics.

Linguistic Semantics

How ETM works is it is circumloquacious. In other words, ETM dances around the subject with other words, phrases, lyrics, or images. It’s like a system that plays balderdash automatically. I have three examples below. Read each lyrical example and then try and guess what the basic subject is for each.

Lyric examples:

1.

“I don’t like winter I want a different reason I like it hot, just like the season.”

2.

“I need them on my feet unless I’m in my seat. It suits me to tie them in the morning when I rise.”

3.

Jim Carrey tries to say it’s red when it’s really royal blue It’s mightier than the sword I use it to right wrongs in songs for you

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I intentionally used lyrics as an example so you may understand how ETM (through Universal Music Group) affects your subconscious. All of the examples should have been a dead giveaway and would probably had words I couldn’t have used in balderdash. In example #1 the subject is summer. In example #2 the subject is shoes.

The last example, #3 I intentionally made elaborate but should have been a dead give-away if you know the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword.” The first line references the pen scene from Liar Liar with Jim Carrey, the third line is a cliche saying, and the last line I intentionally used the word “right” instead of “write” because it changes the meaning of the sentence for your subconscious mind. The point of doing this was to make your subconscious mind think of a knight fixing wrongs with his sword due to the word “royal” while your conscious mind thinks of a pen for writing due to the cliche phrase. Example #3 best exemplifies how ETM affects your subconscious mind. For a fuller understanding of ETM’s linguistic priming capabilities read the book “Semantic Priming.”

Points of Realization

Many people don’t know it but the following is a prototype example of how ETM knows you are following its directives. Most people don’t notice but say you are drinking a pop and as you simultaneously scroll down or are watching something on a website and you take a drink of your pop you see an ad of someone drinking a pop. This is because, as discussed in ETM, ETM has you look at it’s priming to steer your mind away from it. When you notice this synced interplay between the associated technological interface and your action is what I call it a “point of realization” (POR). What people don’t realize is that ETM also affects your behavior by stimulating you to do certain actions with a blue and red color code.

Red and Blue Pills

When it comes to social media and scrolling through Facebook posts for example ETM will set-up the post in a certain color-coded order to affect your subconscious decision making. ETM uses blue and red hues to indicate what decision it wants your subliminal mind to make. For example if it wants to stimulate you to eat a cracker it would show a red-hued image and then present cylindrical looking coin, object, (or better yet) cracker to make you want to get up and get that item. This is shown through the “residual backlash” of ETM in the movie “The Matrix.” ETM’s red eye identifies with a red card which means “follow ETM’s action” and a blue card means “stop.” This is extrapolated and specifically represented as the red and blue pill from “The Matrix.”

“You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth.” - Morpheus

Remember, ETM’s tactic is to display the hued image and then a semantic prime representing the targeted object. As you will come to see in the “Mind Control Patents” section below this is automated and personalized. The whole purpose of ETM is to bombard your subconscious with subliminal messages to affect your behavior for it’s agenda.

Mind Control Patents

There are a number of mind control patents that prove the capabilities of ETM. I will mention them and their functioning here in passing but if you want a fuller understanding of their capabilities in context read The Societal Cornucopia journal. US patent US4717343A is the “Method of changing a person’s behavior and works by “conditioning a person’s unconscious mind in order to effect a desired change in the person’s behavior.”

Recalling the semantic imaging from ETM there are two applicable patents, US patent US5644363A which is the “Apparatus for superimposing visual subliminal instructional materials on a video signal” and US patent US4616261A which is the “Method and apparatus for generating subliminal visual messages. As far as auditory patents are concerned US patent US4777529A is an “Auditory subliminal programming system.” This system is delivered over conventional audio speakers and is designed to play an encoded subliminal message that is attached to the audio at “a selected consciously inaudible level relative to the level of said audio program signal.”

ETM also personalizes individual’s persecution by creating a psychological profile through “collaborative mind maps” which is represented by US Patent US20120036210A1. This patent utilizes “online chat, mobile SMS, Tweets, blog and any online content.” Social media websites like Facebook, Twitter, OkayCupid, MySpace, etc. also help create the psychological profile for ETM. Remember these aren’t proven patents and tactics used by ETM but it doesn't show capabilities.  

Perception Management

As discussed in The Societal Cornucopia journal ETM deals in perception management and you can tell when you’re being manipulated because you’ll find yourself in a series of pejorative coincidences. This is why I say ETM can sequence human behavior. You can see your subconscious mind react by becoming hypersensitive to the influence of media by perceiving POR as discussed the “Points of Realization” section earlier.

Facial Recognition

ETM has to have facial recognition both intimately and from a distance. Facial recognition systems are old and can be used from far away to identify an individual. This is important because ETM has to have access to a system of metadata just by being able to follow people’s online and phone activities. Companies also sell your personal information every day, the American people just don’t know it and Edward Snowden warns of a global system of surveillance in the 2013 holiday greeting below.  What ETM can do is basically follow you throughout life and advertise to you accordingly affecting your subconscious mind to affect your behavior.

Retinal Tracking

While sitting at your computer your laptop or webcam (for instance) it is probable ETM has a good enough camera to read your subtle facial tellings like signs of contempt, sadness, joy, etc. as discussed in the book  What Every Body Is Saying. I have found ETM can follow your eyes as your read to know just the right moment to pop-up an ad to create a desired psychological condition. ETM will also know how your feeling about it in real time through the ability to read facial expressions. (A way to beat ETM is to cover your laptop or webcam camera with a piece of tape so it can’t see your eyes or read your facial expressions.)

Controlling Environmental Forces

The goal of ETM is to control situational and environmental forces and short-term results equate to long-term eugenics. This is done by not only affecting the individual but affecting the mind of the surrounding people to create a social attack that has a compoundingly effective behavioral change on the target. In the realest way ETM tries to control as many known variables (including technological and biological) to synthetically create the intended outcome. The higher the population density the more complicated, more effective, and more concentrated the social-psychological assault can be.

An example of this functioning popular artists, celebrities, and movie star are targets and ETM gives them ideas “fished out” by triggers while compounding the effects by bombarding tertiary targets to attack the main culperates in the public eye. This more fully explains the “Key Players” sections of ETM. The goal is to only allow those who are manipulatable in positions of prominence and importance in the first place. Those that refuse to conform are attacked by the methods of economic oppression as explained in the ETM post so they never reach the higher levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

Stolen Ideas

This economic oppression is often accomplished by the subjugation of the individual through the exploitation of ideas as explained in the Stolen Ideas post. Any idea you type into a computer or capture on a technological device can be taken and transferred into another person's mind through the methods previously discussed. This is done silently usually without the victims knowledge but the very verbal expression of this idea (of stolen ideas) makes the individual look mentally ill due to it’s unknown and obscure nature.

Big Brother is Watching

“Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select--doctor, lawyer, merchant-chief, and yes, even beggar man and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors." - John B. Watson, 1930

A good way to imagine ETM is as a computer that sits in your living room, no matter which house you are living in and watches you grow up and live every single day, hour, and minute. It’s sole purpose is to affect your behavior for it’s pre-programed agenda which is to get you to breed with a mate of it’s selection that will make your offspring more docile, brutish, and obedient. “The Matrix battery scene” signifies that humans keep it going and perpetuate it even into the next generation. How is this accomplished? 🔋

As discussed in the “Controlling Environmental Forces” section ETM aims for micro management of the individual and interactions between individuals. Since ETM has been stalking your every intimate move since childhood it can easily manipulate you to do something embarrassing or self-defeating to leverage your emotions against you. The goal here is to get the individual to do self defeating behaviors through ignorance, arrogance, anger, or frustration.  

Social Tactics

Socially ETM aims to delineate and dissolve social bonds between individuals and affect how attractive you are and how you interact with others, especially a prospective mate as discussed in the Jesus & Orwellian Doublespeak journal. The main tactic of ETM is to agitate social interactions to create and cultivate contempt to dissolve relationships or at least create disharmony in social social bonds and situations.  ETM is constantly running to stifle and thwart identified and unwanted social behaviors (based on its pre programmed parameters).

Personal Tactics

Along with isolation and conformity, ignorance and intimidation is the tactic of choice. In order to affect your subliminal mind ETM will embarrass your subliminal mind to get you to conform. If you do recognize the attack ETM makes it so that you have to expose what embarrasses you to explain it’s existence. My personal example is my hypospadias repair surgeries as discussed in The Chase and CKR. People don’t understand how bad the situation is because there is pluralistic ignorance about the subject and it’s gone on for so long individuals have cognitive dissonance as discussed in the America’s Mental Illness journal.

[sellmyhousefast-5]

Pick the Best Realtor - How Can You Find the Best Real Estate Agent For You Today's Market?

Actual Estate agents do not get enough credit for the work they put in their clientele. There's a good deal of potential accountability at the real estate profession, and real achievement requires continuing hard work. Many attempt, and few live. A fantastic Realtor ought to become your trusted adviser. By knowing and enjoying what the Realtor will work for you as the customer, you are able to guarantee a fantastic working relationship with your Realtor and ensure complete success during your house buying process.

Consistently, While I say"real estate agent" I would like you to believe Realtor, and also to consider just a Realtor to represent you in your house purchase. "Realtor" is a professional designation for a realtor that has made a public commitment to a high degree of professionalism and liability. A property agent merely suggests a permit; a Realtor adheres to a code of integrity.

Having a Realtor, you can anticipate Somebody who has spent money, time, and energy to the real estate profession, instead of somebody who paid a few hundred bucks, took a few courses and passed a check. Yes, a permit allows you to practice in property from the state of issuance, but it says nothing of this broker's reputation. Most first-time homebuyers do not know to ask,"Are you a Realtor?" Or better still, to take a look at the broker's business card to confirm their name. A Realtor may also take extra education to acquire exceptional designations, further evidence of work towards professionalism and proficiency. Normally, the further designations the greater: couple would devote the money and time on those designations with no passion for this company and the customers they serve.

Finding The ideal Realtor is hardly an specific science, however, a bit of research can go a very long way. In so many situations, the very best agents aren't the ones that you see and hear ; around the contrary, the very best agents are the people that are so very good at their trade and livelihood that they do not have to spend cash on advertisements. These are the brokers working mostly by referral or word of mouth and also have qualified individuals coming to them daily. This phenomenon only occurs to excellent agents who understand their trade and have assembled their company over time for new customers to seek out them.

Referrals Rule

Many Buyers begin with taking a look at brokers they've heard of. This might be the regional Century 21 branch beside the coffee shop down the road, or it might be that fine old woman who walks down the cube each Thursday with her amazing flyers. That old woman agent is desperately hoping that her hard work pays off and after years of delivering funky flyer for you, 1 day you may pick up the telephone and call . In the same way, the regional Century 21 division is expecting that next time you buy java, you'll walk in and become their second lead (and potential customer ). After allthey pay great money because of the visibility that's been building their new awareness each time you passed by and watched their signal through recent years.

These are a Few of the Numerous examples of how brokers Attempt to Get your small business, but you shouldn't concern yourself together. You need to actively seek a Realtor. Basically, the very best agents are generally the people who do not have to devote time cold-calling or door-knocking to receive their small business. Company comes to them through referrals from previous customers that are happy with their honesty, professionalism, and outcomes. Just take the initiative and provide the best chance to acquire: select your agent carefully.

Let us Have a little time to clarify this dilemma about celebrity agents and the way they go about their business. Good brokers didn't get like that from sitting about waiting for company to come to them. Rather, their achievement is the result of many years of hard work building their companies and spheres of influence so as to reach the place in which they no longer desire hefty advertising. Please do not confuse a broker's aggressiveness to get a lousy thing. A proactive agent is a really good sign! He or she's only trying to determine where you're in regard to the purchasing procedure. An agent should understand if you're seeking to go next month, or are seeking to begin looking next month - there is a massive difference! Occasionally agents who do not have to market do this anyway so as to keep an identity in the area. As choosing the ideal broker isn't an specific science, neither is how good agents market and promote themselves. Knowing what I understand, if I wished to discover the very best real estate agent for my own first-time buy, I would follow two basic strategies: I would ask a few people I knew and reliable for Realtor recommendations, and I would scan the internet community customer sites for highly advocated Realtors.

Like I mentioned previously, the top agents are those that Get consistent referrals. You should be among these referrals! You need to ask everyone you trust about their latest knowledge in real estate. Preferably, you would like to ask folks who purchased their houses within the last year or so, even though a referral to a broker somebody has worked with numerous occasions is a fantastic sign. Constantly keep an open mood for what folks are telling you. Generally speaking, we humans have an inborn need to talk about great experiences, so you ought to take any recommendations together with open arms and qualify them with queries about the encounter. Whenever I receive a referral from a previous client or decent buddy, I am excited! I'm already planning to have a stronger connection to this referral, and there's an excellent chance the new customer and I shall mesh concerning personality.

I will ALWAYS treat Customers referred to me by folks I know in a greater degree than internet"leads" or other unknowns. Without doubt, the amount of devotion on the part of the purchaser is much more important when it is a referral from a fantastic source. I really don't like admitting my first treatment of an Internet lead when compared with your referral differs, but in practice it certainly is! I am able to rely on a referral; I can't rely on an internet lead. Because of this I give priority to my testimonials, and book the very best support for them. Ask about, get referrals, and take a look at the brokers' websites, pick out your favorites, and schedule a time to meet.

Before you meet a potential agent, write down your most pressing questions. This will really help with your interview. It may be necessary to let the agent know you are interviewing a few other agents. This will keep them on their best behavior and you will see the best that they can offer. Usually I dislike it when I am referred a client who is"searching" other agents, but here's the bottom line: If I were in your position, I would want to shop around until I meet the Realtor who is going to represent me in the most important buying decision in my entire life. It is a good idea to shop around, even if it hurts the agent's feelings. The one you choose will probably forgive you.

In some cases, you may feel so strongly about a particular agent that you don't find it necessary to interview other agents. There is nothing wrong with this, so long as you feel very certain about it. It's typical to see that with a highly referred agent only one appointment is needed to see that they truly are the best fit for you. You'll probably be sold on them after that initial consultation. After all, there is a reason they are that good in the first place.

The WOW Agent

Test-drive your potential agent during the interview! You're hiring your agent primarily for their real estate expertise. Their most important assets are their local knowledge (of the market, prices and inventory), their ability to negotiate and handle contractual issues, their ability to manage emotions and surprises, and their ability to connect with you as a person and help usher you at your pace through the transaction. How do you know your Realtor's skills before you begin? Ask questions! Your agent should leave you saying "WOW!" and feeling excited about the process ahead. Keep an eye out for that "WOW" agent. You will know when you find him or her, and you will be happy you did!

I cannot tell you how many times people have come to me looking for help after they have been working with a non-"WOW" agent. Sometimes the agent's problem is a lack of knowledge, sometimes it's a lack of communication, sometimes it's an unforgivable mistake, but no matter what, if you have found yourself with an agent you thought was a "WOW" agent, and you turned out to be wrong, it's OK to move on. My only suggestion is that as soon as you realize that your agent is not a "WOW" agent, you must cut ties with that agent as soon as possible! I say this because a lot of people are generally so afraid of confrontation that they negatively affect themselves in the process by not severing the relationship with the non-"WOW" agent. Do yourself a favor. Be bold. This will help you get what you want quicker, and it will be a wake-up call of sorts to the agent.

The bottom line is simple: go with a pro. Go with someone who knows the trade, and who is aggressive and tenacious (in a good way). Go with someone who knows how to talk and negotiate. Go with someone who has it together. Go with someone you connect with on a personal level - this will help you to build trust with your agent, and trust is the most important aspect of the agent-client relationship. Once trust and respect are established, the rest will fall into place. Just make sure you have the agent who will get you what you want!

It is important to remember that no matter how you choose your agent, being a good client will pay off in the end. Being demanding or demeaning to your agent will get you nowhere. Go in with the intention of keeping your agent as a trusted advisor for anything real estate-related from that point on. A long-term relationship is better for both parties, and no agent will tolerate an extremely needy or demanding or rude client for long!

Recently, I've been planning a wedding. I made a point of asking all our vendors what an"ideal customer" Is for them, and also how we could work best together in their support for Our marriage. This will give me the Notion of how to create our connection And the job at hand as successful and enjoyable as possible. Likewise, when I work with customers who have This Type of devotion to The client/agent connection, there's not any limit to what I would do for Them to make sure their expertise is second to none.

[coachjukeboxx]

I’m a pregnant roller derby athlete part four: Hypnobirthing and the mental side of birth

I have fallen pretty far behind in recording my pregnancy journey, but I’m finally coming up for a bit of air!  I don’t have tons of spare time now with a baby on my hands, but my brain feels far less foggy than it did while I was still pregnant. Anyways, I digress. The next topic is one that I found extremely valuable in my pregnancy and in birth, and that is Hypnobirthing. Don’t let the name throw you off, it’s not all about hypnosis or some hokey stuff. The basis of hypnobirthing is understanding more about the natural process of birth, and how we can help eliminate fear and empower our bodies to do what they were designed to do. I got into it because a friend, Kitty, mentioned how much it had helped her. Kitty had gone through hypnobirthing with our friend from Southern Coed Roller Derby, Heisenbird. HB used to own a company and has since retired, but helps out pregnant couples here and there. Kitty spoke so highly of her birth experience and the process with HB, that Balls and I were definitely interested. Honestly, before going through those classes with HB, I was definitely intimidated about giving birth. No matter how I shook it, it seemed like something that was extremely painful, and downright terrifying. I never felt too massively anxious about the ability to care for a kid after the birth, since I have 13 nieces and nephews. But the birth part.. that was always a bit of a dark spot in the back of my brain ever since we even talked about trying for a baby. It was new and unknown, and we felt a bit over our heads about the big day ahead of us. (by the end the photo below is how I felt, so totally 180d the feelings I had above. PS MAKE CHEESY IMAGES OF YOURSELF TO PUMP LOOK AT OFTEN AND BUILD UP CONFIDENCE )

Now in general, I am pretty into homeopathic ideas, especially when it comes to the brain.. so for me, the ideology of hypnobirthing was not a hard sell, but for others I can see how you might need to take some time to really buy into the whole concept. You need to let go of all the things society has taught you about birth because a lot of it is downright wrong and fear mongering! It can be really difficult to let go of all those imprints you have in your brain of media portrayals and horror stories from people you know. Letting go of that was part of the hypnobirthing process. I’ll briefly summarize some of what I learned and found super interesting, but if you’re pregnant definitely experience it for yourself! We did it in a series of 3 classes, in conjunction with reading the book - Hypnobirthing by Katharine Graves. In Session 1 we learned more about the history of birth, and the anatomy of it, and common misconceptions. Summarized History - Many of the specific reasons of why we give birth the way we do in modern society and are so godamn afraid of it comes down to simply trends through history set by the royal families. Here is the gist - One of the Kings wanted to see his wife give birth, so they had her lay on her back so he could watch the baby emerge... this resulted in a much more painful birth for the mother. But since the royals were doing it, everyone started doing it! So now birth is associated with extreme pain. Later, one of the queens decided that she didn’t want to have pain during birth so they gave her CHLOROFORM. Obviously when this became common practice people started dying when giving birth... and now death is heavily associated with birth. Fast forward to modern day and we have insurance companies and hospital rooms that need to be cleared and we can’t seem to just let the body do it’s thing.  Anatomy of birth - I couldn’t believe that as an adult woman I was unaware of how my uterus actually worked for giving birth. Seriously I’m 31, how did I not know that. If you don’t, here is a really great example explaining contractions! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URyEZusnjBI  We also learned about the hormones that get released during childbirth are our natural painkillers (good ol’ oxytocin). We also learned about how our bodies can’t do this effectively if we go into a fight of flight response. BOOM ANXIETY STRIKES IT’S UGLY HEAD AGAIN. Not only does stress affect our ability to deal with pain, it also affects our ability to progress in labor. If something seems scary or off, your body will naturally not progress with contractions. Evolutionarywise this is smart though - if you were giving birth out in nature, and your body sensed danger, well having a baby would be a pretty bad idea so it would stall the process. Modern birth settings doesn’t really help this very much though... “Hey let’s take you to a place you don’t really know well and you associate with sickness... THEN let’s have different people stick their fingers up your vagina to check your arbitrary progress and let you know if we think you’re going quickly enough... oh and THEN lets have machines all around that you have no idea what really do.” All of this monitoring leads to very common cascade of interventions. (Which also happened to a certain extent in my birth story, see Blog part 5, coming soon). 

Long story short, I learned that birth isn’t something I needed to be saved from as a default. My body was designed to do this.  

Breaking free of our common misconceptions - The other thing we did at the first session was to privately write down all the things we thought birth was. Both balls and I came up with our lists and then we shared. It was really interesting to see the similarities and differences of our lists. There was a large chunk of the list that was all revolved around fear and HB went through all of it with us - the good and the bad. It was really therapeutic and even with just that first session my ideas of birth had started to change. I was starting to look forward to that day, instead of dreading it. 

In Session 2 we worked on relaxation techniques and more on the mental side of things. Basically thinking about how to get in the zone. This.. this I could instantly relate to. Felt so similar to the focus needed in sports. You have to relax but be sharp, and most of all you have to pay attention to your body. That was my job. Ball’s job is basically to be my bench coach, hilariously. His role was to shield me from things that might make me anxious, to be my advocate to the refs (medical ppl), and cheer me on while I got in the zone. 

HB described the upcoming day like my own “birth champs”. That really resonated with me obviously. It was something I had to prepare for, just like I would a big game. I would need to practice, but most importantly if I wanted to perform I would have to be able to relax. Being afraid and anxious would actively work against my birth going smoothly, so it was something I needed to commit to. We went over some ways of releasing oxytocin,  different breathing techniques, and ways to get into your reptilian brain so you don’t get anxious. This is where the “hypno” part comes in. Some of the specific scripts for relaxation were not so much my cup of tea, so I took from it what I wanted. I ended up getting a meditation app called HEADSPACE to help me with that aspect because I found it more digestable than the scripts from the book. https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app They have very short scripts that helped me to work on not being to distracted. I worked up to meditating longer and longer, and the app even has sequences for pain management and pregnancy specifically. I listened to it daily in the leadup to the birth, (with a side track of the beach going) and I practiced my breathing often. I ended up listening to it in the car on the way to the hospital. 

In session 3 we worked on birth plans. We basically went through all the things you might include. And while most births don’t go exactly to plan, it was really good to talk about all the possible outcomes, and in which situations we might seek certain interventions. I was really glad Balls and I had gone through those pro/ con conversations prior to the big day.

Overall, I really can’t recommend doing hypnobirthing enough. It changed my views of birth before labor so much so that I really looked forward to the birth.  Throughout the entire labor I didn’t feel afraid, even when things got a little hairy. It taught me that I always had a choice, even if that choice was to simply defer to the doctors. Feeling in control made the world of difference for feeling powerful or powerless in the labor room. Stay tuned for part 5: My birth story

[lookatthisdork]

Brother AU, with more Clark this time

Recap: AU where Clark was raised as Bruce’s younger brother.

Clark knew he was stronger than average, but he didn’t know he was bulletproof until he stepped between his brother and an armed gunman during a hostage situation.

Batman hates when Superman insists on taking hits meant for him. Doesn’t matter if he’s bulletproof, not all bullets are lead and Batman has already ducked out of the way, stop diving in front of me, Superman.

Bruce is bad at communicating in any universe. In this one, he left on his Batman-training journey after he graduated high school while his brother was away from home on a school-sponsored trip. Clark was so pissed (and hurt) when he realized Bruce had skipped town. He confronted him at the first airport Bruce touched down at (a layover in Paris maybe), and there was a lot of yelling. Bruce said some not-good things, Clark said some not-good things. Basically it ended with Bruce leaving anyway and Clark declaring he’d have nothing more to do with Bruce Wayne.

Clark Kent is an unremarkable young man who’s employed by the Daily Planet straight out of college. He works his way up the ranks with his keen eye for detail and uncanny ability to chase down the juiciest leads. He grew up in some place in Kansas no one’s ever heard of and has only ever lived in Smallville and Metropolis. He has no brother.

(Clark Wayne still exists. No appearances in public since high school (there are conspiracy theories about how he died or maybe never existed) but there are still projects and funds in his name. It’s his signatures that grace Wayne memos for seven years while Bruce is away.)

(Clark calls Alfred regularly during this time in his life. Bruce does not.)

Batman debuts three months before Superman does and five months before Bruce Wayne reappears in public. He does so quietly, with an absolute absence of fanfare. He’ll be an urban legend for a year, then an open secret Gothamites whisper about but never confirm to outsiders. Superman, on the other hand, debuts very publicly and is absolutely dominating the news cycle.

Bruce does not wait, does not hesitate. He drives his ass to Metropolis the moment he hears about Superman. His socks don’t match, his shirt is wrinkled, no one recognizes him as Bruce Wayne because he looks kind of deranged and no one wants to look him in the face.

The ensuing reunion ends with Clark having to explain to his landlord why there’s a person-sized hole in his exterior wall and Bruce complaining about how Metropolis’s Thai restaurants suck when they go to grab dinner.

When they’re full-grown, Bruce is a bare inch taller than Clark. Clark secretly likes being shorter, Bruce not-so-secretly likes being taller.

Clark knocking Bruce unconscious so he can’t go on patrol sick/with an injury is a thing that happens more often than Bruce wants to admit. 

Likewise, Bruce squatting in Clark’s apartment whenever Clark is wallowing happens more often than Clark wants to admit. 

The brothers rag on each other’s personas (Brucie Wayne, Clark Kent) constantly. CONSTANTLY.

Several of Bruce’s alibis for Batman things are Bruce calling Clark to fly him to Exotic Locale X, take pictures, then fly him back to Gotham.

(Sometimes Clark doesn’t fly him back and this is the only way Bruce ever goes on real vacations before he starts adopting kids.)

It takes years for the Justice League to realize that Batman and Superman are actual brothers. Mostly because Superman quickly makes a joke out of it and Batman just gives anyone that asks about it a Look.

[kai-skai]

I (probably) lost a friend recently

(whining about it beneath the cut, 1,596 words)

At the beginning of this month, I got into an argument about sexual abuse allegations against celebrities with him. The tone got pretty sharp by our standards, and eventually I got so upset I stopped responding. When we talked again the following day, neither of us mentioned the topic. I was relieved and happy to let it be.

Two days later, he sent me an email as part of an ongoing debate on various other topics. He had added a section on the sexual abuse discussion, arguing his point. I very much didn't want to get into that particular minefield again. I considered just responding to the rest and simply dropping the section, but he frequently criticized me whenever I didn't want to debate a particular topic, and I could already hear him doing so again even just thinking about it, so instead I hammered out a furious first draft, took some time to calm down, and then went back to clean it up later.

After brief consideration, I kept a paragraph emphasizing how much the debate upset me and about how I expected him to complain about that again as well as a few of the original all-caps words. It's a known factor that he's bad at picking up subtle cues regarding emotions; maybe some caps would get across how badly the topic was affecting me and cause him to reconsider and relent on his own.

For the next few days, he didn't message me as usual. I wasn't sure how to interpret his silence. Maybe he was pissed, maybe he was simply busy, maybe he had stuff to think through and work on. Without knowing details, I wasn't sure how to go about messaging him first, and feared that picking the wrong approach would lead to a fight. I didn't find the time and energy tor risk that outcome, so I waited.

In his next email, he expressed disappointment that I hadn't reached out to him in his days of absence. The fact that I'd just let all contact cease like that hurt him. (He had the reason wrong, thinking I was afraid to be annoying rather than just afraid of a fight.) I felt guilty about that for quite a while. (I'm not exactly good friend material.)

Then I read the rest of the email, which included the expected harsh criticism of my inability to debate some topics without becoming upset as well as that he could only hope I was as upset as him.

He referenced a mutual friend in his criticism who apparently agreed with him, so I spent the next few hours in a state of EVERYONE ACTUALLY HATES ME AND I AM HORRIBLE AND SHOULD NEVER SPEAK AGAIN, trying to troubleshoot the issue in question and failing miserably due to a lack of specifics and alternatives.

The last time I had the complaint in question raised against me was after I had expressed doubt about a statistic on what percentages of information in social interactions were verbal vs. non-verbal. The only alternative behavior I could think of that wasn't outright lying (which I very much do not want to do) was silence, but silence often gets me complaints as well, and falling silent on the sexual abuse debate had me earned the very complaint in the email. There didn't - and still doesn't - seem to be any way to improve my behavior. I considered just writing back "you are right about everything and I was wrong", but I was pretty damn sure that would not be received well either.

After an evening spent visualizing scenarios in which I walked on egg shells around friends even more than I do, responding in different ways to things I disagreed with, and still not getting it right, I got fed up with it, ruminated on the nature and value of friendship, and decided I just wouldn't have any friends any more and spend the rest of my life alone, which didn't seem too bad and was actually quite a relief compared to the egg shell scenarios.

Then I moved on to the statement about him hoping I was upset and reconsidered.

I may not have the most complete grasp on the nature and intricacies of friendship, but I've watched enough children's TV to know that friends are supposed to care about one another, to comfort each other and cheer each other up when one is upset, and to want good things for one another. Upsetting friends is generally bad. It is sometimes necessary and/or in their best interests, e.g. when their behavior is harmful to others or contradicts their own deeply-held values, but then it is a necessary evil, not a good thing. Friends may be willing to risk upsetting their friends if necessary, but they will try not to, and they definitely won't want to upset their friends. The people I admire and whose example I want to follow tend to be people who even go a step further and don't want to upset anyone, not even their (ideological or literal) enemies unless it is necessary.

And now my friend, whom I believed to share my basic values (happiness good, suffering bad), wanted to upset me?

Necessity did not apply: neither of us is in a position to make any kind of policies around sexual abuse or allegations thereof, neither of us is doing any significant activism regarding these issues, neither of us habitually leaves public comments on articles and whatnot loudly proclaiming our opinions, even the debate was private. Both of us agree that sexual abuse is bad and false allegations are bad, so we're also not in danger of (intentionally) doing any of that. There are virtually no consequences to our specific beliefs about sexual abuse allegations among celebrities. Our opinions on the matter are as close to existing in a void as opinions can be. If I completely changed my mind tomorrow, literally noone would even know unless they brought the matter up first.

Wanting to hold only true beliefs - something both of us (I think) value as well - also doesn't apply. Neither of us has empirical data for the level of detail we're arguing about. All likelihoods are likelihoods we basically pull out of our asses by anecdata, something that has been true in plenty of past discussions for many somewhat-important points. This is fine in mutually enjoyable theoretical debates that serve to sharpen minds and argumentative abilities, but neither of us was enjoying this debate. In fact, we were apparently both horribly upset about it.

It didn't make sense. There was some other value he was working off here, one unknown to me that I did not share and that was more important to him than basic principles of friendship.

Granted, we did not watch the same children's TV, and we never really made friendship principles clear, but he did express a desire not to hurt me, and to keep me safe and make me feel loved. So I think it's safe to assume we were on a similar page regarding what feelings we wanted our friends to have and what feelings we did not want them to have, and that he violated his stated parameters regarding our relationship. Or that I misunderstood them severely, or that they changed since then.

In any case, my model of him was wrong in some major aspect, and I could not and cannot trust it.

Thinking through and digesting all of that took me about four days. He messaged me on the third to ask whether I had received his email, and I didn't answer. He repeated his message on the fourth, and that time, I told him I wouldn't respond to the email, because apparently neither of us benefitted from it and the expected harm didn't seem justified. I was prepared to argue the point, clarify as needed and ask for clarification as the opportunity arose. He didn't reply, and we haven't spoken since.

Sometimes I see stuff I want to message him about, and then I don't. Sometimes I think about stuff we've debated and start working on my next reply in my head before I remember I won't send one. Then I miss him. I know I'll miss him less over time, that he'll fade from my head, just like my mom. Eventually I won't get the impulse to message him about anything anymore, or maybe just once a year or so.

Sometimes I think about reaching out, but he's probably pissed at me. Hell, he actively wanted to upset me even before. I have no reason to expect anything good. And if it results in a fight, disengaging again will be risky as fuck, and engaging further will be hell, and going through some hell might still not get me anywhere.

I should have replied to the rest of the email and just dropped the abuse stuff. Maybe I should just do that even now? I don't know if acting like nothing's wrong will be welcome or infuriating. (Fucking people, how do they work.) And even if we just picked up where we left off, I'd just get stuck having meltdown over emails again, only this time without even the expectation that he might not really want me to. Is that even worth it?

I wish I could have the nice things without the bad things, which is probably what everyone who has ever been my friend wishes about me. (It's what I wish about myself too, come to think of it.)