#(Also thank GOD for tag commenting. It's nice being able to guilt-free get thoughts like these out~ ^^)

[fdragon-art]

Day 261 (JohnDave Week 2021 Day 3) - Matching Outfits

“Is there anything more fun than having matching cosplays? Well, there’s one idea that’s a little more fun heheh~”

[lucientelrunya]

Like a lonely house pt 3

Phew, I feel a little like that bird meme "the risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math" (which I really am *points to the 70 years that are actually 80 years* !!), with how I went "Huh, there is no 50.000+words slow burn of them, but I want!!!" and my brain was like "well, do it yourself. Here, have Chapter 1, 3, 6 and 9, I already prepared them. Oh and here is some Ba Ye+Wu Xie-friendship" And then I struggle with how to bridge the gap between those chapters.....

This part is me struggling really hard. Trying to bridge those gaps and trying to puzzle Mystic Nine-Canon and Book-Canon together. Like, Wu Laogou??? He wasn't even born? My perfectionism can't handle this!! But I guess I am like Hamilton, I'll never be satisfied *sigh*, so ... yeah. Feel free to point out any mistakes you spot!

I should definitely add that this is canon-divergent... ish (which canon???), I'm not sure if there is anything I should warn about in this part, maybe just more sadness? But @psychic-waffles and @gaiahenshin wanted someone to hug Zhang Rishan so ... here you go I guess ^^°°° (I see those tags and reblogs and favorites and I am beyond thrilled every single time, I don't even know how to react!)

It takes a conscious effort to make his lungs work properly again and take a deep breath. Fo Ye had entrusted him with his legacy and he will do everything he can to not disappoint him any further. He has to face the consequences of what he has done, he has to. But before he can get a grip on himself someone tips his chin up to shine a flashlight right into his eyes. He automatically flinches back from the blinding light, dislodging the hand from his face in the process and finds Huo Daofu staring at him, flashlight in his hand and one brow raised. “Back with us?” he asks, eyes scanning Zhang Rishan’s face methodically and only taking a step back once he nods slowly. How long had he stood frozen, trapped in his thoughts for Huo Daofu to come over and start to worry?

“Good. Any more insights on god-radio?” What is he talking about? "God-radio?" Zhang Rishan repeats slowly, confused, which only makes Huo Daofu raise both brows this time. He pointedly looks over at the mural where Zhang Rishan's fingers are still touching the picture of said god. Ah, they must have thought it was still somehow communicating with him.

“Time travel”, Zhang Rishan mutters, trying to ignore the way Luo Que hovers anxiously at his side and the way Ba Ye has his hands wrapped around his upper arm like he had always done when he wanted to hide behind him or was whining about something (and the possible connection between those two things). His words cause several confused “huh”’s from different directions. Taking a slow deep breath he braces himself to say the words, to confess and take the blame for this mess. “No, I didn't get any further godly insights, but I think Ba Ye is right, he never died, he was, as you phrased it so nicely, plucked from the past and put here, now”, he says, inclining his head at Wu Xie.

“But why?” Ba Ye asks and Zhang Rishan makes himself turn his head to look at him when he says his next words. “Because of me.” And there it is. “Because this god was inside my mind and it was so incredibly thankful I gave it its freedom that it wanted to give something to me in return, to grant me a wish.” Not that he had wished for Ba Ye to be ripped out of his time, exactly, his thoughts had been a jumbled mess at that moment. He had never consciously wished for anything in particular. But Ba Ye’s sudden disappearance in the middle of a war had torn a hole into Fo Ye’s heart and, by extension, into Zhang Rishan’s (not only by extension, of course, because Ba Ye had been important to Zhang Rishan, too - is important - but to Fo Ye he had practically been family). He could have said how Fo Ye had looked for Ba Ye for months, for years, with a war raging right on their doorstep, when thousands of people were dying or disappearing, when the city they had so desperately tried to protect had been burned to the ground. How Fo Ye had never truly gotten over not being able to find him - save him - or at least find out what happened. He had felt Ba Ye’s absence all his life, a regret he couldn’t let go of, not even on his deathbed. A regret Zhang Rishan had taken into his own heart, after Fo Ye’s death, added to his own regrets and moulded into a lump of regret-failure-pain-bitterness-sorrow that his trained mind still hasn’t filed away properly. He has failed Ba Ye, too, and has missed Ba Ye, too. And this is his mess, this is what his jumbled thoughts had made a god do, so he leaves it at that.

Zhang Rishan is prepared for anger, for reproaches, for being smacked again, but Ba Ye’s face is unreadable and he doesn’t say anything, his fingers around Zhang Rishan’s arm only slightly tightening their grip. He waits for something - anything - to happen, (maybe for the sky to fall down or the earth to open up and swallow him), for him to wake up and realize everything’s only just been a dream - nightmare? - or for one of them to tell him he’s crazy and there’s no way this could be possible. And someone does: “But that’s impossible, that would be a paradox”, Wu Xie says and Zhang Rishan looks at him pointedly.

“A bootstrap paradox, to be exact”, Huo Daofu remarks and really, that’s the part of all of this he wants to comment on? “A what now?” Pangzi asks, squinting at Huo Daofu and Zhang Rishan is glad he is not the only one who has no idea what Huo Daofu is talking about. “A bootstrap paradox. It basically describes phenomena with a cause-effect-loop just like this. I mean, you don’t know my gran, but she was absolutely obsessed with the famous Qi Tiezui so I don’t know how many times I heard the story of his tragic, mysterious disappearance and all the questions and the search and Zhang Da Fo Ye’s heartbreak.” He looks like he wants to roll his eyes in annoyance at the mention of his grandmother. “But that’s exactly that. He vanished and you wanted to find out why and that wish brought him here in the first place. So what came first? There is no discernable point of origin for- what, I like Sci-Fi, don’t look at me like that!”

It is somehow reassuring and disconcerting at the same time that Huo Daofu of all people manages to sum up his thoughts like this, aside from his guilt. And that he is able to put a name to this, even if that doesn’t mean it’s a real thing. Fiction is fiction after all. How can there even be such a thing? But then, how could there be a god chained to a cave or a mysterious force controlling people like that or golden coffin water that saved people from certain death? After everything else he has already seen and lived through or just heard about in his life he shouldn’t be so doubtful. It’s also quite unsettling how much Huo Daofu knows about Ba Ye’s disappearance and how casually he mentions those details. But Ba Ye doesn’t seem too upset about the mention of Fo Ye’s heartbreak, at least for the moment. Instead he perks up at Huo Daofu’s words.

“Good, good! After all you heard and all you read about that then it must be a real thing, so I think we can all agree that all of this is real and I am real!” And, curiously, Wu Xie looks at Liu Sang, who jerks his head in a small gesture of confirmation that’s not really a nod. But it is obviously enough for Wu Xie to smile at Ba Ye and nod. “Yes, I think we can. And I wanted to ask you something. You were the one who stole one of my grandpa’s dogs, right?” The question makes Ba Ye laugh awkwardly and let go of Zhang Rishan’s arm, so he can gesture at Wu Xie.

“Of course that’s what he would tell his grandchildren about me. Let me tell you, I took out that dog’s gallstones and I brought it back safe and sound! And he acted like I murdered it!” Wu Xie laughs at the face Ba Ye makes, or maybe his helpless gesturing. “He always said you kidnapped that dog just to get back at him.” Zhang Rishan isn’t sure if he imagines how the conversation tiptoes on the line of ‘friendly conversation’ and ‘fishing for information’. But he hadn’t been present for the whole Dog-stealing-thing, so he keeps listening, ignoring Pangzi who starts to tease Huo Daofu about his obvious love for science fiction and then continues to question him about his favorites.

“Aiyah! That’s just what I told Fo Ye, that Wu Laogou would never give me his dog if I asked him because he would think I wanted to get back at him. But I really wasn’t! We needed his gallstones to cure Mo Ce so Fo Ye said I had to steal it if I wouldn’t ask for it. So I stole it, but as I said, I brought it back better than new, freshly cured. And he even made me apologize to the dog!” That is actually something he hadn’t known, but Wu Xie laughing and saying “Of course he would!” is enough to finally fully convince him that all of this is real. It puts his mind at ease and shifts his focus to other things he still has questions about.

They should definitely find out more about this god and the people that imprisoned it. He takes out his phone to take some photos of the mural and finds it mostly covered in white, but just like before it just crumbles away in little flakes. Surprisingly his phone still works and there is no trace of dampness to it. For a moment he stares at the screen and then at his arm, where Ba Ye's hands had grabbed him. The dried white stuff has crumbled away where the cloth had been moved or touched, leaving no trace, no lingering wetness. Deliberately taking note of every part of his skin he realizes that actually nothing feels wet or damp, even though he practically swam in that liquid. He can only recall the feeling of the liquid clinging to him and dragging him down like water-soaked and heavy clothing would do, but it seems highly unlikely that he was unconscious long enough for his clothes to completely dry. It's like whatever was in the pool only wrapped itself around him, like a cocoon, but didn't soak through anything.

Luo Que is still beside him, silently watching him. His arms are covered in white flakes, too, so he must have helped Pangzi get him out of the pool. “Do you remember what the liquid felt like?” Luo Que looks confused for a moment, furrowing his brows until his eyes drift down to his own arms and he seems to get what Zhang Rishan is asking. “Not really like liquid, it felt cool but not wet at all”, he answers, rubbing at one of the larger stains that crumbles away under his fingertips. This only confirms his suspicions, he wants this stuff analyzed. Luo Que finds a zip-lock-bag somewhere in his backpack and together they manage to get at least some of the white flakes and dust into the bag, although it seems to disintegrate once it gets shaken off whatever surface it had clung to.

Wondering if this is even really a tomb he takes pictures of the whole mural. It seems more like a temple - no, they didn’t worship the god here, so more of a prison for a god if there is a word for such a thing. He turns only to find Ba Ye watching him, staring at his phone. Of course, the kinds of cameras Ba Ye knows were big and bulky so he hands it to Ba Ye. “It’s a camera and a phone”, he explains, which only makes Ba Ye stare harder, turning the device in his hands. “It’s so small!” His wonder makes Zhang Rishan smile and he promises to show Ba Ye what it can do later.

Which seems almost like a cue for them to decide to carefully explore the rest of the tomb for more information and to find out if it really is a tomb. They take the dagger, the only remarkable thing on the altar and maybe something that can help them find out more about the people that used it. Maybe at least how old this cave is. Zhang Rishan is still unsure if it’s a tomb or a prison, even after they find two more caves with clay jugs filled with human ashes. Cremation is not exactly a common burial tradition for this region and there are no grave goods at all. Not one single treasure, to Pangzi’s great disappointment, no more murals, no scripture, nothing. It’s mostly a disappointment in terms of exploration, but maybe they can find out some more.

Since it already got dark when they reached the tomb they decide to spend the night in the cave with the pool, which is the only one with enough room for all of them (and they don’t really want to sleep next to rows of human ashes). It’s still quite dark, even with Pangzi’s heater instead of a fire but more comfortable than outside where Liu Sang had heard rain and thunder. None of them goes to check, there is no need to hurry back, they can spend one night in the cave and hopefully the rain will have stopped the next day.

Reception in the cave is strong enough to mail the pictures to some contacts and ask them to look into it. Ba Ye watches him curiously while he types in the message and Zhang Rishan shows him all the other functions - or at least everything he frequently uses his phone for, which makes Pangzi laugh. “Ahh, President Zhang,” he scolds, using the title he had never used before. “You are all about work! Show the poor man some good things! Here, look at this game,” and he tucks on Ba Ye’s shoulder to get him to lean over his own phone.

“Pangzi, the ‘poor man’ doesn’t have a phone to send you money for your stupid game”, Wu Xie leans on Pangzi’s other shoulder, grinning and obviously finished with his phone call. “Ah, Tianzhen, pay attention. I’m already done with that one, this is a new one. Here, look!” Judging by the way all three of them look at the phone it must be something cute and Zhang Rishan finds himself smiling again, glad and thankful that they include Ba Ye so effortlessly. He will need people who can care for him and help him if he decides he won’t forgive Zhang Rishan after they get a chance to talk about everything that has happened since Ba Ye vanished.

This thought wipes the small smile off his face and he distracts himself by texting Liang Wan, asking her when she will be back from her trip because he wants her to check Ba Ye, blood tests and all. He will do everything he can to make sure Ba Ye is okay (or as okay as he can be) and has everything he needs for a life in the 21. century. Which is another reason why he offers Ba Ye his sleeping bag, who simply refuses, adamant that they can share. They end up with Zhang Rishan sitting on one half, leaning his back against the wall and Ba Ye using his leg as a pillow, curled up next to him on the other half. It’s familiar, but he represses the memories, busying himself with shrugging out of his coat without waking Ba Ye to drape it over him because he can feel him shiver against his leg. It seems to be getting colder but he doesn’t mind. Ba Ye doesn’t wake, but when he looks back up Wu Xie smiles at him from where Pangzi is halfway wrapped around him, head on Zhang Qilings lap.

When they pack up the next morning it’s still raining and it’s really noticeably colder than before. Zhang Rishan lets Ba Ye keep his coat, he will need some protection against the rain in his thin changshan, even if the thick forest they had hiked through should offer some protection against the rain. But when they leave the cave there is no more forest, only muddy ground where lush undergrowth had been and some tree stumps that look long dead.

“Well, the forest was unusual”, Liu Sang says but still seems just as perturbed as everyone else. For a moment they just stand there and look around them. “I guess they really needed that god to grow something around here”, Pangzi jokes, but he sounds uneasy about it. And how could they not be, with miles of dead land around them where hours before there had been fruit trees and berry bushes in abundance. Zhang Rishan represses a shiver of uneasiness and just wants to leave this place as soon as possible. He is not the only one. Instinctively they walk faster on their way back, or as fast as they can. The rain had made the ground slippery with mud and dead plants. None of them feels comfortable about stopping for the night but it’s safer than trying to navigate through the dark. Thankfully the rain stopped some time before that and they manage get a fire going, but still all of them are quiet and thoughtful, no trace of the easy banter of the day before.

They are packed and ready to go with the first light of the next day. Without the rain the ground dries up fast and the sun is too bright and too warm, which is actually typical for this region. At one point they cross a very visible line where the dead zone ends and there are plants and trees again, but they don’t stop to inspect it further, too glad to be out.

It’s mid afternoon when they reach the end of the road where they had left their cars and from there it’s only roughly another two hours to drive to the small village where they had spent the night before setting out on this endeavour. The villagers don’t seem to know that a whole forest has vanished and happily accommodate them again in the small inn. They had seemed to avoid the general area of said forest and hadn’t wanted to talk about it before, just whispering about local legends of a ‘man-eating wood’. Luckily the owner of the small inn doesn’t seem to remember their exact number or he simply doesn’t care that they left the allegedly cursed forest with an additional person. He gives them the same rooms (which are actually the only rooms available) and goes off to prepare dinner.

They disperse to their rooms to clean up and rest for a moment until dinner is ready. Wu Xie had made sure that Zhang Rishan shares his room with Ba Ye so they can talk, but both of them seem a bit reluctant to start. They wash in a somewhat uncomfortable silence until Zhang Rishan takes off the bandages, inspecting the two cuts on his arms and is surprised at the 2 neat rows of staples. He hadn’t realized they were that long and deep that they required stapling and is actually impressed at Huo Daofu’s level of preparation for such a small trip. He obviously knows what he is doing, the cuts are clean and already healing nicely. “Let me help you”, Ba Ye takes the fresh bandages out of his hand, and starts slowly wrapping them around Zhang Rishan’s arms.

“I understand there are a lot of things that have happened since I disappeared, so just tell me”, Ba Ye’s voice is quiet and he keeps his eyes on his hands. And, taking a deep breath to brace himself, Zhang Rishan tells him. About the second attack on Changsha, the third, and finally the fourth one when they lost and everything they had tried to protect had been destroyed. He doesn’t go into detail about all the lives that were lost in the war, while Ba Ye’s fingers work slower and slower until they stop, hovering over Fo Ye’s bracelet. Zhang Rishan pulls his arms away to tuck down his sleeves, hiding the bandages and the bracelet alike, while he only briefly mentions the destruction and despair. Ba Ye had seen enough of that after the first attack on Changsha. He tells him about the years after the war, how they slowly rebuild and how Fo Ye kept looking for Ba Ye. There are not only sad things to say - Fo Ye had been happy in his marriage with Xinyue, Er Ye had been pleased with his new apprentice, the Huo-Clan had thrived, just like the Xie-Clan - although those outweigh the good things, because one by one he recounts the deaths of everyone Ba Ye knows.

“I’m sorry”, he finishes and hates that the words don’t do justice to the depth of his feelings. “You lost them too”, Ba Ye says, his voice surprisingly steady and almost gentle, and Zhang Rishan stares at him, at a loss. Yes, he did. But little by little, parts of his world crumbling away, piece by piece, until only duty remained. He’d had time to adjust to the holes, find ways around them, new paths that had grown old and used and then been torn away, too. What he had lost in the course of 80 years Ba Ye had lost in one day, one moment, one blink of an eye.

“Yes”, he says and doesn’t know how to put into words that their pain shouldn’t be compared, because there are not enough words to even begin to describe this. Pain is something he has been trained to file away into different threat levels, into different boxes. He is not allowed to have one named ‘unbearable’, but he doesn’t know how else to label the pain of that one moment when the worst thing has happened and it feels like the world just stops, just shatters and falls to pieces, never to be whole again. But everything stays the same. It’s just his world that shattered, his heart that has been torn apart never to be whole again. He is the one who changed, not the world. And he doesn’t even fathom himself how he had to change to survive that, who he had to become. Because he had become a person that would cause that kind of pain to someone else like this. He had killed countless people in his lifetime, on purpose as a Zhang, as a soldier, in the war or by mistake, by failure, by not being able to save them but he had never thought himself capable of such cruelty.

Whatever Ba Ye reads in his face (or maybe in his heart, because Ba Ye had always been good at reading hearts), it makes him knit his brows. Not in anguish or sorrow but something more akin to chagrin and he grabs the sides of Zhang Rishan’s sweater to roughly tug him forward into a bone crushing hug. And Zhang Rishan allows himself to be moved, just like he had always allowed himself to be moved whenever Ba Ye was tugging on him.

Ba Ye presses his face into the crook of his neck, arms wrapping tightly around his sides, fingers digging into his shoulder blades and Zhang Rishan can feel the shaky inhale against the bare skin of his neck. Carefully he wraps his arms around Ba Ye’s shoulders and holds him up when he feels the other man lean most of his weight on him. He doesn’t say anything, when he feels the wetness of quiet tears against his shoulder, just closes his eyes, offering whatever comfort he can offer like this.

[queerchoicesblog]

Like Snow (Edge of Extinction, Grace x MC x Anna)

So, here's the fanfic I promised. Warning: it's kinda sad but if you're playing the book it doesn't exactly strike as happy sunshine, right?

I wrote it portraying the POV of the three women (Grace, F!MC Ellen and Anna) so yeah, it's like having 3 fanfics in one xD It takes place immediately after the latest episode and shows how the relationships/bonds evolve between the three women. It's non-canon obviously so feel free to disagree. Hope you enjoy it though!

Disclaimer: all the characters do not belong to me, they're borrowed from @playstoryscape game as well as a few lines of the original book.

Moreover, this fanfic is influenced by my playthrough where Pavel dies in the rescue of the hermit and F!MC gets the new outfit triggering the scene with Grace. There are also references to death, alcohol consumption, grieving and (internalized-ish) homophobia: if you're not comfortable with these issues, please consider skipping this.

Word Count: 2500+

Tag: @storyscaped @storyscapefanficarchive @aestheticsayeed @ghost-of-yuri @andi-the-cat (not sure your yes meant add me so feel free to ignore it in case you're not interested xD) @animus-and-anima

_____________________________

Grace POV

There she is!

The ex-military took a sigh of relief as she spotted Ellen on the other side of the church. She didn't tell anyone where she was heading and an uncomfortable feeling of concern took hold of Grace even if she kept herself busy with chores and checking in on Mari, baby Pavel and everyone else. Now that Ellen was here though it was as if a huge burden was lifted off her chest: too many things went wrong out there not to worry when someone left their sanctuary. Not to make a habit to brace yourself for the worst even after the hermit was successfully cured and part of the crew.

When she was a few steps away, Grace leaned over a pile of boxes and took in Ellen's figure. The Doctor was checking herself in a crooked mirror they found in an abandoned clothes shop in Tromstad. Fine new black boots, jeans that fit perfectly enhancing every curve, well every curve that survived the malnourishment they all experienced. A white top under a gorgeous leather jacket that made her look radiant and tough. Grace found herself staring a bit longer than she probably should have and for once, for so long after all the tragedies that haunted the group of survivors...for the first time after her husband passed away a life ago, she decided not to predict herself for that.

Instead, she allowed herself to break into a grin as she wondered whether she chose those clothes accidentally or because they reminded her of the outfits she used to wear before the world they knew was torn asunder. When they were strangers living miles and miles away and most likely would have never met if it wasn't for that tragedy. A sudden thought made the soldier smile, almost blush: yet if by chance she had walked past her in the street or crossed her path wearing those clothes, she would have made her turn her head to follow such a vision.

"I like the new looks. It suits you" she said after a moment, hoping not to scare the doctor.

Ellen froze for a moment then spun towards her. The look on her face was a bit confused and wary: she wasn't expecting such a comment from Grace or she had no idea how to take that. Luckily, it soon softened into slight amusement as she relaxed. To prove that she meant no harm, Grace crossed her arms and playfully raised an eyebrow, breaking her usual military demeanor: a look not many got to see.

Apparently, Ellen noticed as there was a hint of tease in her voice when she answered:

"Thanks. I...guess I clean up pretty well"

Understatement of the century, Grace noted in her head but Ellen was now looking at her with curiosity, surely trying to figure out what were the soldier's true intentions as she wasn't known for outstanding bonding skills nor frivolous conversation. Realizing that she needed to provide some sort of explanation for such an off character behavior, she cleared her throat and gave a quick smile.

"Noticed you'd wandered off, so I came to check on you. Didn't mean to intrude"

The Doctor looked a bit surprised but was quick to conceal it. She just shrugged and smiled back, gesturing that there was no need for apologies. 

Grace gave a polite nod, ready to shift back into her military demeanor...but for some reason she failed. Instead of walking away as she knew she should have done or Ellen probably expected her to do as she was already turning to gather her old clothes scattered on a chair, Grace spoke again. The words that kept haunting her for days dropped out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"I don't know how it's all going to play out when we get there, but I know one thing: we never would have made this far without you"

Ellen froze for a moment then turned: surprise was written all over her face. Grace sighed and continued.

"I wanted you to know we're all grateful. Everyone knows how much the group needs you"

She buried the most compromising part, grateful to her military training that thought her to say less "I" and more "we", the crew, the group when speaking to others. So she hid behind a grateful smile how much she, Grace, the woman underneath the army fatigues she was still wearing needed her, Ellen, the foolish, heroic woman with a medical degree.

"I'd say the same about you" 

Of course Ellen wouldn't just accept a compliment: Grace should have known that the resident proved herself to be generous and selfless enough to give it back and appraise her leadership. Typical Ellen, she thought, unable to prevent herself from smiling. 

"I know nothing is guaranteed" she added after much internal debate whether to keep the conversation going or retreat before it was too late: feelings are a minefield. "But the future doesn't seem hopeless anymore. A lot of that is because of you and everything you've done"

Yeah, that was a nice way to put it down into words. With a bit of luck, Ellen wouldn't have grasped the hidden layer of meaning of it: Grace had been so secretive and distant, how could she suspect that she had been a light in the dark in so many ways?

F!MC POV

The cold breeze of the night welcomed Ellen as she stepped out of the church. She wrapped her wool scarf around her and took a deep breath. She needed a break: she wasn't able to get back to sleep last night after seeing Anna hurting so bad...but the woman she kissed what sounded like in another life only pushed her away. Again. As her wobbly figure disappeared out of view she laid back in her tent but she had no luck getting back to the safe faraway of dreams. The day kept her busy and the group kept her busy: no new threat was in sight but there was so much to do to properly prepare everyone for the trip. But now she had nothing to keep her from reminiscing Anna's hurtful drunken words.

"Maybe I was wrong to leave Pavel for you. Maybe all of this started because I was unfaithful to him"

"I love you. I just..."

"I know I've made things hard on you lately. But I just keep thinking about Pavel"

Same old story just with a touch of tragedy this time. "I love you but": God knew if it hadn't been a pattern for Ellen. She couldn't count the times she heard this. But now it was the woman, unhappy former athlete who just started to shine again until shit happened and Ellen failed. Devastating despair was in Anna bright eyes as she cradled Pavel's lifeless body and begged her to do something. Ellen was a doctor, right? She could certainly do something to save him. But no, Ellen couldn't. It was too late for that, she could only bury the hatchet and whisper a dying man a comforting lie not even him believe to. 

Anna never met her gaze again that day and the day after, shuttering herself in mourning isolation. She had never been the same since that day and the accidental meeting they had last night confirmed it. As much as it hurt, now there was only Pavel and her self-guilt in Anna's mind: no more room for Ellen. The doctor found herself wondering if deep down Anna was angry at her for being so helpless and...unhelpful the day Pavel was shot. 

"Long time no see" 

A familiar voice brought her back to the real world. It startled Ellen a little before she turned to see Grace giving her a friendly nod from the wall she was sitting on, her rifle at her side.

Ellen was so grateful. It was good not to be alone with her own thoughts on a night like that. She returned the nod and smiled to herself: who better than an ex-military to be her knight in shining armor?

"Did I spook you?" Grace inquired as she moved a bit closer.

"Nah, of course not" Ellen shook her head, hoping to be convincing.

"You sure?"

"Positive, ma'am" Ellen sighed, mocking a salute that she could have sworn made Grace chuckle. "Are you on sentry duty?"

"Yes" the soldier confirmed. "I think we're safe now but lowering our guard now would be inconsiderate. Especially now that Mari gave birth to a baby..."

"Yes, I just checked on them. The little boy is fine and heavenly resting in his mom's arms. Stig is with them now"

For a moment Ellen was jealous of Mari's baby, safe in loving arms and untouched by the dire situation humanity was facing. Just a hopeful little boy offering smiles to everyone. 

As realization hit her, she pushed her hands in the pockets of her jeans and exhaled loudly as if to get rid of her own sadness: Grace had too much to keep in check as their leader to be given such an additional burden.

"Anyway...I'll get out of your hair, you're on duty and-"

"You can stay if you want" Grace anticipated her, offering a quick smile.

"-I don't want to bother you"

"I'm a woman, I can multitask pretty well" she commented, teasingly raising an eyebrow.

For some reason, Ellen found the playful gesture seductive and she had to refrain herself from biting her lip when Grace scooped over and patted the seat beside her on the bench. 

"Here, join me, Doc"

"You know it's Ellen for you" she said, obliging and taking a seat too.

"My my, when did we become so casual?"

It surprised Ellen to still hear a hint of tease in her voice: Grace was definitely showing a whole new side that day.

"Why, you're really gonna call me Doc, lieutenant?"

"Hey, for your information I am a Captain, not a lieutenant"

"I'm terribly sorry, apologies, ma'am"

The two of them shared a look and chuckled but it was soon clear that the moment was gone. Silence settled back between the two women and Grace resumed her sentry duty. However, she was the first to speak again after some time.

"Hey I...I hope I'm not overstepping but are you okay?"

"As okay as I can be, Captain" Ellen shrugged. "I'm just...concerned about Anna"

Grace nodded, her eyes scanning the surroundings.

"Yes, you mentioned that. I promise I will check on her in the morning and talk to her. But-" she took a pause. "I'm sorry, I know you two are...close"

"Were, were close I guess" the doctor corrected her, grimacing. "I appreciate your concern, Grace, but no need to worry about me. I'm used to this, to unhappy endings"

The Captain furrowed her brows and did her best not to betray too much sympathetic curiosity when she inquired:

"Did you lose a dear one too?" 

Ellen shrugged and shifted to sit more comfortably. Then she winced and sighed deeply, enhancing a puff of air.

"Not exactly. I just never was the one women would take a chance on"

Grace shifted to face her.

"What do you mean?"

Ellen met her gaze and gave her a bitter smile. 

"I don't have the best record when it comes to relationships. Sure, the medical residency kept me busy enough but even aside from that I guess I'm not 'a keeper'" she shrugged her shoulder and looked into the distance. "Good for a one night stand or a flirt but not for more. The 'love at first sight' in a drunken gay bar night to ghost once you go back to your real life. A girl I had some kind of story with, the no-strings-attached type, dumped me when I asked to go steady then dropped to one knee and proposed to her new partner or so I heard. Last time I checked, they lived in a villa downtown with two Labradors."

Bad idea to go there: reminiscing Tiffany hurt even if the scar she left was quite healed. But Ellen fell hard for that girl, she saw a future with that girl...unlike Tiffany. The upset look on her face when Ellen asked her to be her girlfriend and the smile she had showing an engagement ring to the camera on the social media feed was still like a punch in the stomach. Especially now.

"Once I even got involved with a colleague at the hospital. It ended badly cause well I didn't know she was married" Ellen inhaled sharply and continued. "I-I suppose it's kind of a pattern to me"

Grace looked back to her and the two of them shared a long pained gaze.

Anna POV

Oy Moroz Moroz Oh moroz moroz ne moroz menya ne moroz menya

Usually, long walks never failed to clear Anna's mind and calm her. They always did, before any competition, whenever she was stressed or doubting herself. Now she felt no comfort: she was just walking in melting snow, swaying a bottle of vodka in her hands and singing in a low voice that Russian tune her father used to sing whenever he came home and had a bit too much on the way back. 

The demons that had been haunting her couldn't be pacified.

She shut her eyes as another vision appeared. She could have sworn that Pavel's ghost was near...or maybe she was just going insane for good. But she could feel his presence lingering, his voice encouraging her to toughen up, saying she was stronger than this and no matter how hard it looked now, she would have been victorious. 

Then she remembered that it was what he used to tell her before every competition so long time ago. He would place his hands on her shoulder and gave her pep talks that usually ended up like "Annushka, stop second-guessing yourself. Go out there and be like ice: strong and shiny in the spotlight cause you're the star. My star".

What he didn't mention is that ice can break too and that's exactly how Anna felt like now: shattered, crushed, in pieces.

Pasha...since that cursed day her days and nights had been a series of nightmares and hurtful visions. One moment she was dancing, gracefully flying in Pasha's arms at their wedding party, happy faces and smiles all around then out of the blue a dark bloodstain would spread on her husband's white shirt as all went dark and Pavel would fall on his knees and begged her to help him, desperately reaching for her.

Anna shook her head and took a long pull from her bottle. There was no way out of this pain, she thought as she kept walking back to the church. Why did Pasha have to change? She always knew he was a believer but lately, after the spread of the lethal virus he became obsessed with God and the book of Apocalypse. He started seeing signs of an approaching Doomsday everywhere and when they managed to survived he convinced himself that they were the Chosen ones, they had a mission and a duty to humanity...all that foolish religious rubbish pushed her away from him. He wasn't the man she married anymore.

Then she met the doctor. Ellen from America: kind, brave, compassionate and rational gorgeous Ellen. She had never questioned her sexuality before, was it even an option? Every woman she knew, family or friend, was happy or pretended to be happy with her husband cause "that's how things go, Anja", her mother cut every objection short once. So she obliged, married her sweetheart but years later from that the day she said yes to him on the altar things changed. He changed, she changed. And some invincible force waltzed her into the arms of a woman, an inconceivable thought till that very day. A bond against nature, an abomination for everyone she knew. 

But  Ellen's lips were so soft and her hold so comforting that for the first time in ages Anna felt safe.

And it was all gone now.

She had been avoiding Ellen ever since the day Pasha died. Too much pain to face her, when she bumped into her the previous night it was awful: the look of concern and love in her eyes made Anna bleed even more. 

Maybe Pavel was right after all. Maybe not about the hermit but about the God punishment talk she predicted him for. And Ellen: she surely wasn't a "witch" but could she deny she had been their downfall? All their issues skyrocketed since she first appeared out of nowhere, a daughter of the snowy Norwegian winter. She separated what God united, as preaches and her grandma would say, and what happened? People started dying, Pavel sank even deeper into his religious madness and eventually died. And Ellen was a doctor, funny enough. The moment she kept gravitating towards the gorgeous stranger, tragedies followed one after another. She accepted the love of the gorgeous woman and her husband got shot dead. Coincidences?

Anna hit her head with a fist as if to get rid of all that poisonous nonsense. No, Ellen told her that this was not what happened, just ghosts of her mind, her sense of guilt and grief speaking but she couldn't think straight anyway. Anymore. The succession of days felt like a hallucination and not even sleep could bring her peace, just the opposite. How can anyone preserve their sanity in a situation like this?

Maybe I should talk to Ellen, whenever I feel I can meet her eyes without crying like the weakling I am now, she considered as the familiar silhouette of the church appeared in sight. She's kind and she said she loves me. I gave her a hard time but maybe we can start over again. Maybe she can help.

She was almost there when she spotted two people sitting in the distance yet not too far to recognize them. She couldn't make out a word of what they were saying but they were certainly Ellen and Grace. 

Anna froze in place: lately, she hadn't been around much, mostly hiding in her tent or disappearing for walks and avoiding any kind of interaction with the rest of the group, but last time she checked the two women weren't that close. God, Grace hardly bonded with anyone, she was so busy being the leader and checking everything, organizing their daily routine in the midst of chaos and the journey to the Seed Vault...so how could she be holding Ellen's hand now? Her hand was holding the doctor's one - a hand who once held her close as Ellen's soft lips pressed a kiss on Anna's mouth- and she was saying something that apparently drew a shy smile on Ellen's face. What...what did she say? Why Ellen was smiling and squeezing her hand back? What...what did she miss out?

As the two women shared another smile and broke eye contact to look into the distance still holding hands, Anna stumbled to hide behind a solitary tree.

Even ice can break, she whispered as new tears welled her eyes. I was too slow, took too much time, never be slow Anna, never! Didn't your coaches tell you? Maybe I was so convincing when I begged her to leave me alone.

Tears found their way down her cheeks reddened by alcohol and the chilly gusts of wind that blew like a slap on her face.

Maybe our love was just like snow: beautiful and soft but it melts away when the spring sun starts shining again. Just like snow...  

[daveeddiggsit]

Broken

Note: Okay, so I stole this request (with permission of course) from @diggs4life because when I saw it, it gave me a huge inspiration boost. So yeah, thanks Jena. I’d also like to give a huge shout out to @adothoe for pushing me to take the non-lazy approach to this fic because without her, this fic would have probably sucked. Anyway, it’s been soooo fucking long since I’ve posted a fic lol so here you go. Good luck btw. You’ll need it.

Request: “ok angst idea: so reader is a journalist and works for like TMZ or smth and she is given the task to get close to Daveed Diggs so they could pull info out of him about his “mysterious” personal life that not many people know about bc he’s on the rise as a celebrity. so she starts to date him for that reason only but then slowly falls in love with him for real and when Daveed finds out angst ensues. (i hope this made sense) it’s basically one sided fake dating until oops not anymore.” - anonymous

Word Count: 5,892

Pairing: Daveed Diggs x Reader

Warnings: No smut, but lots of angst. Rough break up.

Tag System: @butlinislin @trashfandom14 @fullytenaciousstranger @isis278  @beautifulfound 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. You were supposed to let him hate your guts with no strings attached then bounce when you got what you wanted. You were supposed to do your job right and get close to him; close enough to learn his secrets and be the journalist who broke his story. You weren’t supposed to fall in love with him in the process.

But you did.

The sounds of the soft thunder and the pitter-patter of the rain falling surrounded you as you walked as fast as you could in your heels. The Esquire Magazine building was coming closer to you with every step and you were determined to get inside before you got even more wet from the storm.

You were supposed to interview with the magazine for a position as an editor. So a few days prior when you got the call from Esquire asking you to come in for an interview, you immediately booked a flight from LA to NYC. You’d spent the entire morning preparing yourself for the interview and making sure that your make up, hair, and dress looked perfect, but you didn’t expect to get soaked from the pouring rain. The storm came out of nowhere.

Mother Nature just wasn’t on your side today.

“Y/N, I swear I’m on your side, but we just need more from you.” Your boss Jason told you.

You were bewildered. “More from me? What else do you guys want from me? I publish an article a day, let you know any new gossip that comes up-”

“I know-”

“Jason, you guys even make me get you coffee in the morning.” You said, exasperated. “I’m pretty sure that wasn’t in the job description when I applied to be a reporter here at TMZ.”

 “Well, who else is supposed to get coffee for us?”

 His comment made you want to throw up. You’d worked just as hard as everyone else, writing up new stories day and night as they came and went, and you still weren’t being treated like a professional.

You glared at him and turned to leave his office. “You’re sick.”

“Woah woah woah, hold on, I’m kidding.” Jason called after you. When you kept walking, he spoke up again. “I can secure you that spot as an editor.”

His statement made you freeze in your tracks.

This was your chance. You could finally have the position you’d been striving towards for years. You’d been waiting for a moment like this ever since you first began working at TMZ.

“What’s the catch?” You sighed, turning back around.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I just need you to write a big article before I promote you. The quicker you write the story, the quicker you get the promotion. You interested?”

You took a few steps closer and sunk down into the chair in front of his desk. “I’m interested.” You stated almost hesitantly. “What’s it on?”

He smirked and leaned back in his chair, lifting his feet onto his desk. “You know that Broadway show everyone was talking about last year? It won a lot of awards and people really liked it because it was like rap or something. Ring a bell?”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Hamilton?”

“Yeah, that one.” He said. “Well, one of its stars is on the rise and we know absolutely nothing about him. The guy is literally everywhere in the entertainment industry, but his personal life is a mystery. And I think as writers and reporters at TMZ, it’s our job to fix that.”

“So you want me to write this huge thing on the juicy details of this dude’s personal life?” 

“Exactly.” Jason grinned. “But it’s not that easy. You’re gonna have to uncover it all yourself.”

“How? You said it yourself, the media knows nothing. It’s not like I can get information from an interview on Fallon or anything.”

“See, this is the fun part. The guy is actually living in LA now. He’s doing a lot of filming for some TV roles.” His smirk widened. “This is where you come in, Y/N.”

You stared at him with a confused expression before he continued.

“Get close to him.” Jason said. “Talk to him, befriend him, date him, fuck him for all I care. Just do what it takes to unlock his backstory for that article. After that, you can leave, no strings attached, publish the article, and be promoted to an editor. Just like that. It’s easy, Y/N.”

You averted your eyes away from your boss. “I’m…not sure about this, Jason. This is a lot to get involved in. I mean…he’s a person too. If I somehow can get close to him, it won’t end well once he finds out what I’m doing. He definitely won’t be a fan of it.”

“That’s why you’re doing it with no strings attached. So you don’t feel bad.” He stated, taking his feet off his desk so he could lean forward in his seat. “It’s for the good of the company. We need to break a story like this! This benefits you too, Y/N, think about it.”

You sighed, contemplating everything. After a minute or two, Jason grew impatient.

“So?” He asked.

“I’m in.” You said.

A wicked smile broke out on your boss’ face. “Good.” He pulled out a paper and slid it across his desk towards you. “He’s going to be at this dinner party on Thursday night. That’s where you can meet him. Dress nicely and don’t be late. You don’t want to make a bad first impression.”

You sighed inwardly and took the dinner invitation before you turned to leave.

“Oh, and I almost forgot the most important part.” Jason called out as you opened the door. When you turned back, he continued.

“His name is Daveed Diggs.”

When you walked into the building, you beelined straight to the reception desk to check in.

“Hello, do you have an appointment?” The lady from behind the counter asked politely.

“Yes, I have an interview with Mr. Smith for the open editor position.” You responded, rubbing your arms to create warmth. You were freezing.

“Ah, yes.” She said after she typed something into her computer. “Ms. Y/L/N at 1:30, correct?”

You nodded promptly.

“His office is on the fourteenth floor, so you can use the elevator over there.” She pointed to the elevator down the hall. “We have coffee and refreshments on that floor as well. I assume you got caught in the storm, so feel free to help yourself. It might help warm you up.” She smiled warmly, noticing your wet (now drying) figure.

“Thank you.” You returned her smile, before walking down the hall towards the elevator she directed you to.

The already open doors were beginning to close, so you quickened your pace and (thank god) were able to slip through the doors before they shut completely. You didn’t notice that you weren’t alone in the elevator until after you pressed the button labeled ‘14’.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw someone with familiar looking dark, curly hair that brought both butterflies and guilt to your stomach. You were hesitant to turn your head to look at the other person in fear of who the person could have been.

It wasn’t him, right? It couldn’t be him.

You quickly flickered your eyes over to give the mystery person a once over, but you ended up doing a double-take when you saw that the mystery person turned out to be the last person you thought you’d see in NYC. No. There was no way.

Everything was going according to plan. You arrived to the dinner on time and made your way to your table with the help of an usher. Lucky for you, Daveed was already sitting down with a few other people when you arrived.

“Daveed.” He greeted you with a grin once you sat down, reaching his hand out to shake yours.

“Y/N.” You replied, mirroring his smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Daveed.”

“Not bad at all.” You thought to yourself. “He’s hot.” If you were going to go through the effort of flirting with someone constantly to mooch information from them, they had to be attractive at least.

The night went by amazingly. As you spoke to him, you began to understand why Daveed’s popularity was going through the roof; the man was a renaissance man. He was well-rounded and seemed to be good at pretty much everything. He was a musician, actor, poet, writer, you name it. He had many awards and nominations for his work (including a Grammy and a Tony), and the dude had just received an honorary doctorate in fine arts at Brown University. He was charming, funny, humble, and a bit shy (you’d noticed the way he shifted his gaze to the ground with a smile occasionally while talking). And to top it all off? He was attractive.

He really was the full package. Anyone would’ve been lucky to have him.

Realizing all of this, you began to regret accepting Jason’s deal. But you knew you had to pull through or you’d lose your job, knowing your boss after your four years of working for him. So at the end of the dinner, when Daveed asked for your number and if you wanted to go out for coffee the next week, you accepted. Part of you said you did it for work, but the other part said it was because you actually liked Daveed.

The real question, however, was: which part were you listening to?

You couldn’t help but stare at the tall man to your left. Just glancing at him brought back so many memories; memories that were supposed to bring happiness and smiles, but instead brought the opposite due to the guilt and loss that weighed heavily in the pit of your stomach.

He hadn’t changed a bit. Well, he looked the same at least. Judging from what he was wearing, he still seemed to wear his glasses out as often as possible. His silver bracelet and matte black chain were still his go-to accessories. And he sure as hell was still handsome in everything he wore even if it was just a jacket, t-shirt, and jeans.

“Daveed?” His name slipped out of your mouth so quietly that it was barely audible.

But he heard you. Oh, you knew he heard you. Even though he pretended like he didn’t and stared straight ahead, paying no attention to you, the way his jaw tensed ever so slightly at the sound of your voice is what gave it away: he was in as much pain as you were.

You contemplated saying something to him. Should you try to talk to him? It’d been three months since the night things went south…was it even worth trying? He wanted nothing to do with you…or so you thought, judging by the way he’d completely ignored you earlier. You didn’t believe in fate, but for you two to see each other at a place you both were unfamiliar with…that wasn’t just a coincidence, right? You knew you had to try something.

You were brought out of your thoughts when the elevator came to a sudden stop, causing you to stumble slightly. Your arm quickly shot out to clutch onto the railing to steady yourself as your heart pounded in your chest from the sudden halt. You glanced over to Daveed to see him do the same and both of your eyes widened when the lights flickered overhead.

Oh no, this was not good.

Daveed immediately stepped over to the button panel and began to repeatedly press the button of the floor he was headed to.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he muttered under his breath, “what did you do?”

You couldn’t help but feel shaken at the sound of his voice. It was the first time you’d heard it in months.

“I-I didn’t do anything…” You stuttered out. The severity of the situation was wearing you down to your core. You weren’t one to stutter, but being soaked from the storm outside, seeing the ex you still hadn’t gotten over, and now being stuck inside a situation where an elevator was malfunctioning…you couldn’t really be blamed.

None of the buttons Daveed was pressing were working, so he went to the last resort: the emergency help button. As soon as he pressed it, the button glowed a bright red and two loud beeps were heard overhead from an intercom speaker.

Not even a few seconds later, a female voice was heard from the same speaker, asking questions like whether everyone inside the elevator was okay or not. Daveed answered for the most part, and the lady then reassured you both that responders were on their way to your location and that they should be there as soon as possible. She then directed you to stay put where you were instead of trying to escape because of safety precautions.

When the lady went off the intercom, Daveed sighed in frustration and dragged a hand down his face. A few seconds later, he slid down to the floor with his back to the wall, casting his eyes down to the ground and away from you. You did the same on the opposite side of the elevator, but watched him as he captured his bottom lip with his teeth, a nervous habit of his you’d noticed a while back.

You couldn’t believe you were in this situation right now. Being stuck in an elevator with the man who hated you? Great.

“Tonight was great, I had fun meeting your friends.” You smiled up at Daveed once you had reached the door to your apartment building. “UTK and Rafa were…”

“Too much? Obnoxious?” Daveed offered, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. He loved his friends, but he knew they probably had overwhelmed you as they did with most people Daveed introduced them to.

“I was gonna say charming.” You chuckled, earning a laugh from him as well.

“Don’t tell them that,” he said, his eyes glimmering in amusement in the low light the street lamp provided. “They wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.”

“It’ll be a secret between the two of us, then.” You replied.

After a few seconds of silence, you broke out of your happy daze to speak again. “Thanks for walking me home, Daveed.”

“No problem,” he murmured. “Needed to make sure you got home safe.”

You smiled softly at each other before you both slowly leaned in simultaneously and Daveed’s hands came out of his pockets to gently grab your waist. The kiss started off warm and sweet, nothing more than his lips chastely being pressed against yours. But it became more heated as your mouths crashed together slowly and passionately. Your hands traveled up his chest and around his neck, pulling your bodies closer together. His heart was beating just as wildly as yours was.

In between kisses, you breathlessly invited him in for wine and he agreed.

You were in for quite the night.

Everything now was silent. The only thing that was audible was the sound of the two of you breathing and the occasional shiver from you.

Daveed snuck a glance at your huddled form in the opposite corner of the elevator, closing your eyes and trying to stay as warm as possible in the soaked dress you were wearing. His eyes softened a little bit before he removed his Babylon jacket and crawled forward a little bit to hand it to you.

Your eyes snapped wide open at his gesture and you shook your head, trying to push the jacket away from you and towards him.

“I-It’s fine, I don’t need it.” You tried to refuse.

He shook his head stubbornly. “Just take the damn jacket, Y/N.” He said, breaking eye contact before he softly added, “You’re gonna freeze to death.”

You were in shock for a few seconds before you slipped the jacket on gratefully, trying not to inhale his scent that was embedded in the fabric that basically consumed you due to its size.

“Thank you,” you murmured softly, huddling into a ball again to warm yourself up (hopefully at a more efficient pace this time).

“Holy shit, D, thank you!” You smiled brightly and excitedly up at your gorgeous boyfriend.

It was your birthday and he had gone all out. After you asking for weeks, Your boyfriend finally took you up from LA to the Bay area so he could show you the place where he grew up. You both spent the entire day bouncing from location to location until Daveed had taken you to most of his favorite spots in his hometown.

When you guys got back to the hotel room, he had surprised you with a present you honestly weren’t expecting: VIP tickets to see your favorite artist live in concert.

When you saw them, you were beyond ecstatic and immediately rushed forward to hug Daveed.

“You know you didn’t have to do all of this for me, right?” Your voice was muffled due to your face being buried into his chest.

“I know, but I did anyway because I’m a good boyfriend.” He grinned, leaning down to press a sweet kiss to your forehead.

“That is very true.”

“The best boyfriend.” He added. You could feel him smirk as he mumbled against you.

“The best? Hmm…I don’t know about that one, Daveed…” You teased.

“Oh really?” He pulled his head away from yours to playfully narrow his eyes at you.

“Kidding, kidding.” You laughed, bringing your hand up to cup his cheek. “You may or may not be the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

He chuckled and kissed you softly before he murmured, “Good, because I may or may not be in love with you.”

Your breath hitched and in a split second, your brain was going into emotional overdrive. He loved you. Knowing that made you feel tingly inside, like every time he looked at you in a certain way. The way that turned your insides to warm mush and made you want him and only him to exist on the planet with you. The same look in the same way that you unknowingly gave him. Recalling all of this, you realized that you felt the same way.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. You weren’t supposed to reciprocate his feelings. You were supposed to get him to spill his secrets and leave. But you didn’t care because at this moment, you didn’t give a fuck about your job anymore. And you just realized that you hadn’t for awhile.

Because the most important thing in your life was right in front of you.

“I’m in love with you, too, Daveed.” You whispered, pulling his mouth down to yours again sweetly.

The tense silence was too much for you. You couldn’t be alone with your thoughts around him. It was killing you.

“So, uh, how’ve you been?” You asked hesitantly, your voice suddenly filling up the small space.

“Busy,” he replied shortly, “but fine.”

“I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Back at you,” he said finally looking up to make eye contact again. “I’m just here for a photoshoot and interview.”

“Wait, shouldn’t you be on tour?” You asked, furrowing your eyebrows. You remembered him saying that he was going to be on an international tour with clipping. before everything went wrong.

“We’re on a break for a few weeks before we go up to Iceland for a show.” He responded. “What about you? Shouldn’t you be in LA? You’re on the wrong coast.”

He was being cold towards you…but the worst part was that he had every right to be.

“I have a job interview here with Esquire.” You answered as strongly as you could.

“Oh, really?” He asked. “Did you finally get sick of your old job?”

A pang of guilt rang throughout your chest, and you felt ten times worse than you did before. He dealt the low blow. He went there.

“Mmm, can’t you skip today? Take a sick day?” Daveed murmured into the back of your bare shoulder.

A small grin tugged at the corner of your mouth as you turned around to face him, pressing a kiss to his bicep. “Babe, I did that last week.” You reminded him in a soft voice.

“Do it again.” He replied, finally opening his eyes to gaze down at you. “Just say that your cold came back or something, I don’t fuckin’ know.”

You rolled your eyes. “Sure, they totally won’t be suspicious that I came to work yesterday perfectly healthy, but today am suddenly sick with a cold again.”

Daveed pulled you tighter against him, trailing his lips down your jaw as he spoke. “Please? Just for today, Y/N, I promise. I’ll make this the last day you ever take off for me.”

You closed your eyes and leaned into him. “Hmm,” you hummed. “You’re gonna have to do better convincing than that, Diggs.”

He smirked before he moved to hover over you, leaning down to press his lips to yours. You hummed again in contentment as you kissed him back lazily.

The moment was ruined by your phone ringing on your night stand, causing both of you to groan and break apart.

“Who is it?” Daveed asked in a low voice that made chills run up your spine.

“My boss,” you groaned again. “I don’t wanna pick it up.”

“Then don’t,” he suggested, rolling off of you to lay on his back directly beside you.

You sighed. “It’s probably important if he’s calling me while I’m at home.”

“Then pick it up.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” You chuckled before you moved out of bed to answer the call.

“Hello?” You said, walking towards the doorway of Daveed’s room.

When you went to close the door on your way out, you heard Daveed whispering loudly to ‘tell him you’re sick’. You chuckled to yourself as you heard Jason rapidly begin to talk.

“Where the hell is the article, Y/N? I told you we needed it by the 14th! What the hell! Why are you late on your deadline?”

Your eyes widened as you tried to explain yourself. “Jason, I-”

“Y/N, we need this article by tomorrow the latest. No excuses.” Jason told you.

“Jason, I can’t, I’m sorry.”

The line went silent for a moment…not a good sign.

“You…can’t?” You could practically feel the anger that was on simmer at the moment.

“I can’t.” You said again. “I won’t. Look, I know I agreed to this earlier and everything, but…I’m not doing this. I’m not writing the article. I’ll become an editor another way.”

Jason was slow to speak, as if he was choosing his next words carefully. “Y/N, we need this article. We are depending on you.”

“I know, and I apologize.”

“This is going to cost you your job in the long run, you know that, right?” He no longer sounded like he was in control of his anger.

“I know.”

There was silence for a few more moments before your boss responded again.

“Well, in that case,” he said, “happy job hunting.”

You swallowed thickly and hung up the phone, setting it on Daveed’s countertop. You didn’t know how to feel. You just got told that you were about to lose your job. You should’ve felt sad, but you didn’t. Maybe this was a good thing. A good thing that you were finally separated from the only toxic thing that was in your life.

You made your way back to Daveed’s room with a smile on your face. Daveed watched you as you climbed into bed and wrapped your arms around his shirtless torso, resting your head on his chest.

 “So?” Daveed asked, automatically letting his arms wrap around you.

 “I’m yours all day.”

The guilt was eating you alive. You couldn’t hold it inside you anymore. You had to fix things.

“I’m sorry.” You blurted out.

 “For the elevator?” He raised an eyebrow. “It’s not your fault. Something probably just went wrong with-”

You cut him off. “No, you know what I’m talking about, D.”

He sighed, breaking eye contact and scratching his beard. “You know what Y/N? I really didn’t wanna fucking talk about this with you.”

“Dav-”

“Much less on a fuckin’ broken elevator.” He continued

“Daveed, if you’d just hear me out, please.”

“No,” The man across from you said, shaking his head. “I’m not going through all this all over again, Y/N, I can’t.”

“You didn’t give me a chance to explain that night!”

“There was nothing to explain! The story was pretty well laid out in that damn article they wrote about us.”

“It was a tabloid article, half of it isn’t true!” You yelled. “Why couldn’t you at least let me explain everything to you?”

“Daveed? You okay?”

A week later, you had asked Daveed to come over so you could talk to him about everything that happened with your job. He deserved to know. But that didn’t stop you from being nervous about the way he could possibly react.

Now you were both on your couch, watching netflix and you were trying to get the guts to tell him everything. But the way he was acting now was scaring you.

He ignored you and kept his eyes glued to his phone. His eyes were furrowed in concentration and he looked like he was deep in thought.

“Carebear, what’s-”

“Don’t call me that.” Daveed’s voice was stone cold and his eyes were the same when they snapped to yours.

Your heartbeat started racing as your eyes widened.

“What’s going on, Daveed?” You asked carefully, hoping that your suspicions weren’t true. He couldn’t know, could he?

He was full on glaring at you now. “Don’t act like you don’t know, Y/N.” He said, clenching his jaw. “Former TMZ reporter Y/N Y/L/N dates Blackish star Daveed Diggs to expose his deepest secrets to the media.” He read the headline out loud to you. You could see him visibly shaking, so you reached a hand out to comfort him, but he sharply pulled away. “You used me.”

You could feel your heart break. No no no no no no, this could not be happening. Not now of all times. Not when you were about to tell him.

”Daveed,” you started hesitantly, “listen to me, I can explain.”

He rolled his eyes. “You fucking used me.” He stood up from your couch.

“D, whatever you saw online isn’t true. You have to let me explain.”

He swallowed and turned to glance at you. “So you didn’t have the intention of dating me only to find out personal details about my life to then write an article and publish it through TMZ?”

You hesitated.

He scoffed, throwing his head back incredulously. “Wow.”

“I-”

“I should’ve known.” Daveed started. “I mean, you were a reporter and I knew about it. I don’t know why I didn’t think anything of it. I should’ve fucking known!” He yelled towards the end.

“Daveed! Please-.”

“You know what?” He continued, ignoring your pleas to listen to you. “I can’t even blame you. This is  my fault. I never should’ve let myself fall for your tricks. I should’ve booked it the moment you told me you worked for a company like that.”

“Hear me out.” You began to cry. “Please, Daveed.”

He paused and stared at you for a second. You felt so vulnerable. As if everything had suddenly been ripped out from under you.

Daveed pursed his lips before he turned away, heading towards your front door. “Goodbye, Y/N.”

You were wrong. Whatever you felt earlier wasn’t your heart breaking. It was nothing compared to what you felt now.

“I was broken, Y/N! You broke me!” He yelled. “Do you know how hard it is to find out that the person you love was only dating you so they could make profit off details about your personal life? Do you?”

“D, it wasn’t like th-”

“Are you sure, Y/N? Because I think it was exactly like that.”

“I never told them anything!” You quickly responded. “Daveed, they fired me because I never wrote the article. I…I couldn’t expose your life like that. I couldn’t do that to you. Not when I got to know the real you. Not when I realized I was in love with-”

“Don’t.” He replied coldly. “Don’t do that. Don’t spit bullshit at me, Y/N. You’ve done enough.”

“I’m not bullshitting you, Daveed. I never lied to you. Every time I told you I loved you, I meant every word. It was all completely authentic. The kisses, the smiles, the laughs, the feelings, none of it was fake for me. The more I got to know you, the more I began to forget about my job. That’s how it was from day one. When we started dating, none of it mattered to me anymore because I had you.” You said, trying to hold eye contact with him. “Please, Daveed, you have to believe me.”

“How am I supposed to know that for sure?”

You sighed, knowing he was exactly right. He wouldn’t know for sure. “I know I should have never taken the job in the first place; It’s something only a horrible, terrible person would do. But at the time, I had nothing. No friends or family in the area, a tiny overpriced apartment, and a terrible low-paying job at TMZ that I thought was going to be my dream job. They kept telling me they were going to give me a position as an editor, but it never happened. I was in a dark place and I was desperate to move my rank up. Because I was tired of being slept on. I wanted to be someone, Daveed.” You said, close to breaking out into tears. “And this isn’t an excuse by any means for what I did to you. I’m not trying to justify what I did; I have no right to. And I’m sorry.”

“You said you never lied to me.” He stated after a few seconds, shaking his head. “You lied about your job. You just said you were a journalist, you didn’t specify which company you worked for. You never told me about your “deal” with your boss-”

“I didn’t lie. I just left those details out-”

Daveed scoffed and rolled his eyes, turning his head to look the other way.

“-but I was gonna tell you! I swear to God I was going to tell you! You saw the headline before I had the chance.”

“You had plenty of chances, Y/N.” He said, turning back to you. His eyes were swimming with emotion; any trace of the anger you had seen before had suddenly vanished and been replaced with hurt.

Silence consumed the vacant space between you and Daveed, leaving you both to simmer in your thoughts. Daveed had his eyes shut as he hung his head, trying to keep himself together. When you caught his gaze, his eyes were glistening with tears. Seeing him like this hurt you deeply.

“I was scared, D.” You whispered softly, now on the brink of tears again. Your voice held every emotion you had felt since that night. “I was afraid that this was going to happen between us, so I waited…but it happened anyway and everything still got fucked up.”

He stayed silent and you let your tears fall before you wiped them away with your- Daveed’s jacket sleeve. Nothing was audible except for the sound of Daveed’s shaky breathing and your sniffs from crying.

“I’m so so sorry, Daveed. You don’t deserve any of this, you deserve so much better.” Your voice was quiet and broken. “This is all my fault, you have every right to hate me. God, even I hate me right now. I’m such a terrible human being-”

“Stop.” Daveed interrupted you, making you shut up immediately. “What you did was cruel, but you’re not a terrible person. I know that’s not true.”

The tears continued to fall down your face despite his attempt to make you feel better.

This situation was so fucked up. You wished you could erase everything that had happened between you two. You wished you could go back to before everything got fucked up between you and Daveed. Everything had been amazingly perfect then.

“Yo, get your own slice, Mooch.” Daveed teased, snatching his slice of pizza out of your grasp before you could take another bite. You were watching Pirates of the Caribbean in Daveed’s apartment and you were too lazy to get up from the couch to get another slice of pizza from his kitchen.

You frowned when he confiscated the pizza but raised an eyebrow at the teasing nickname he called you. “Did you just call me ‘Smooch’?”

It was his turn to raise an eyebrow at you. “Mooch,” he corrected you with a mouth full of pizza.

“Mooch?”

He nodded, swallowing his food. “You know, someone who takes stuff from people and never gives anything in return?”

“Are you saying that I never give back?”

“Well, whenever you steal my food-”

“-which has only been a few times,” you cut in.

“-yeah, pretty much.” He finished simply.

You gave him a look before a smirk appeared on your face. You moved your body over his lap to straddle him, moving his plate onto the side table.

“Fine, then I guess I’ll have to repay you for everything I’ve ever stolen.” You replied, hovering your lips over his.

“In that case, you’ll have to pay me extra because I’m pretty sure you stole my heart.” He smiled, lifting a hand up to rest on your hip.

“Wow, I never knew Daveed Diggs could be so cheesy.”

Your comment made him laugh before he leaned in to kiss you.

“Shut up, Mooch.” He mumbled against your lips.

“Y/N, I can’t forgive you.” Daveed whispered. The words pained him to say out loud. “You know that, right?”

You swallowed hard, looking away from him as you heard the words you were dreading to hear. You knew it was coming…you just didn’t expect it to hit you this hard. But you stood your ground as best as you could. You knew you had to stay strong.

“I know.” You whispered back, holding back another sob.

“I’m sorry.” The words came out softly, as if he on the verge of a sob as well.

It took you a few seconds to respond back. “You have nothing to be sorry for, D.“ You sniffed. “Not your fault.”

After that none of you spoke for a while, leaving you alone with your thoughts. That’s when you came to the realization that you actually couldn’t see things getting any better between you two. There was no fixing this any time soon, it was just too much. You wished so badly that things could go back to normal, but you knew that couldn’t happen.

You were both too broken.

[greeneyedgirls4]

Raven Black

This is my entry for @rotisserierogers #rrhalloween writing challenge. My prompt is “I never feared you.” Bucky x Raven (oc). General. No warnings.. yet.

Masterlist. This will have around 15-20 chapters (I hope that is ok) and it’s a story I have had in mind for a while so I’m glad it works with this prompt :) Thanks and enjoy!

Her name was Raven. She had it all. The hot body, good looks, sparklingly smart personality and of course, most men falling over themselves to spend just one night with her. They said she truly was the Queen of everything.

Her name was Raven.. and this is the story of how she died.

The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all.

My name is Raven. I’m from New York City, have a little pain in the ass brother called Den and I’m a normal young woman.. or at least I was until Hydra decided to kidnap me, experiment on me and force me to build various machines and medicines that will create their army.

As I said, my name is Raven but I don’t know where I’m living right now, I have no idea where my little brother is and I’m not a normal young woman anymore.

1931

High school. The two words I had been trying my best not to think of the whole Summer but instead, here I am, walking into the shiny new school on my first day.

Summer had flown by. I spent most of my days reading but when I wasn't doing that I was taking my little brother Den to his random football games or making sure we both got fed. Our parents aren't exactly the caring type so I was forced from a young age to learn how to bring up myself but when I turned six, Den was born and I had to learn to bring up him too. Bringing myself and Den up wasn't the easiest thing in the world but when you grow up around two alcoholics.. it’s not the hardest thing either.

Making my way through the iron gates I don't hear someone calling my name until I feel a small hand grip my shoulder. “Raven! I told you to wait for me at the park.”

I turn when Mary's voice reaches my ear. Of course she would have her blonde hair up in a ponytail. She always was the school pet in that way. “Sorry Mary. I totally forgot.”

We both turn towards the school building again and continue our journey to our classroom. When I reach the seat assigned to me I smile to myself when I see that Mary will be beside me, my smile quickly fades when I see the name on the other side of me. Bucky Barnes. He was known as the most popular boy in our neighbourhood.. and not for good reasons. Yes he's handsome and he has that whole bad boy look down to a T but he also flirts with anything that moves.

“Was Dennis giving you a hard time again this morning?” I’m snapped from my thoughts when I hear Mary’s quiet voice.

I take out my notebook and pencil and settle into my seat as the rest of the class filters in. “He wasn't too bad. Just a bit annoyed that I’ll be finishing later than he is now so he has to wait with the teacher.”

I hear her sigh and it’s not long before she's digging for answers again. “How many bottles have they drank today then?”

“Three.” I reply, lifting my green eyes to meet her sparkling blue. “It is nine o'clock and that was from last night so they are getting better.”

“You keep telling yourself that Rav.” She says and that’s when I look away from her. Mary has been my best friend since we were two. We met when she fell over in front of my house and mum had to bring her inside to patch up her cut knee. After that day, we would see each other all the time and soon became fast friends.

I lift my eyes to see the grey haired teacher make her way into the room but instead of watching longer I decide to pick up my pencil and doodle in my notebook. A habit of mine when I’m bored unfortunately.

After a few minutes I hear a rustling beside me and a husky cough. Lifting my eyes once more I meet the steel blue eyes of James or as everyone likes to call him.. Bucky.

“You alright there neighbour?” He says with a cocky smile and I can’t help the low groan that escapes me.

“Perfect. How about you Bucky?”

“Living life like there’s no tomorrow.” Bucky replies, his eyes still focused on mine. He leans forward, just enough for me to be able to smell the light aftershave on him. “I do love it when you say my name.”

Again I groan only this time I roll my eyes too just for the emphasis on how much he was annoying me right now. “Good to know.” I whisper, turning my head towards the teacher who was now writing on the blackboard.

Throughout class I glance at Bucky every so often and find him already side eyeing me, only turning away when my eyes meet his. It was no secret among my friends that I have had a crush on Bucky for years. He was the first person outside of my family that I had met when we moved next door to him. I was only two when we moved from Queens to Brooklyn but I distinctly remember meeting him for the first time when he kicked a football at my head, only to miss and break my mum’s favourite plant pot.. which I then got the blame of and ended up with a fractured wrist for three weeks.

He’s never been overly nice to me though. Always teasing me, flirting maybe too but mostly doing those usual childish things that boys do to annoy girls. Today was actually the longest conversation we have had without one of us annoying the other person to the brink of wanting to stick a pencil in their eye. I think he just sees me as a neighbour or a girl he would never be into. Either one suits me I guess.

When class finishes I quietly leave before Mary, or even Bucky, can stop me for a chat. Making my way down the corridor I feel a strange sense of familiarity. I couldn't pinpoint what it was that seemed so familiar. Maybe it’s the fact I’m walking alone or that I’m trying to find any opportunity to just leave home and run away and marry a rich man who will hire someone to kill my parents once and for all. Yes, that sounds like it.

“Oui.. Raven.”

“Good start Bucky.” I say, turning my whole body to face him as he walks, no, saunters towards me. God this man would be the death of me. Between his gelled back brown hair, those piercing blue eyes and that smile that could melt anything in it’s path.. yes he was going to kill me.

He frowns and I know he's already confused by my quick reply. “What do you mean good start?”

“You remembered my name.” I reply, looking him straight in the eye. When he continues frowning, I give up. 

“Ohh. I thought you were actually being nice to me for once.”

“You’re not that lucky. Now what did you want?” I say, nodding for him answer quickly before my English class starts.

I watch him run a hand through his hair before he answers. “Could you be my p-partner for that assignment the teacher was going on about?”

“Why?”

“I just thought because we live beside each other and are beside each other in class too then it would be easier to work together.”

I glance behind him as Mary comes out of the classroom batting her eyelashes at a tall black haired boy who looks like he would rather be anywhere but right there with her. “Erm.. sure. As long as this isn't any kind of joke.”

“Why would it be a joke?” He says and he almost sounds vulnerable which causes guilt to bubble up in my chest. An emotion I am not too familiar with.

“I know you Bucky. You play people, you joke and your with a different girl every bloody week. I don't want us to suddenly sleep together and for me to end up being another girl in a long line. This is school and a project, no jokes.”

He nods his head and I sigh with relief. “No jokes. I promise.”

“Good. It’s hardly like we are even friends anyway.” I whisper, ignoring the hurt look on Bucky’s face and turning around to make my way into the English studies classroom.

Well this was going to be fun..

Tagging - @deathbyukmen @ex-bookjunky @zimmbonie @xllizette @honeybournehippy @galacyan-imagine @mad-about-britain @myplaceofheavenorhell @fanboyswhereare-you 

Feedback is always welcome so please feel free to get in touch and/or leave a comment. I love hearing from readers :)

[janiedean]

There are people in the Theon tag saying we need to stop using the "I should have died with him" quote because it only holds Theon back and then others are reblogging it and tagging it with "Get over this line" and then someone made a gifset with that line and the same person was complaining in the notes about it saying that line has no place in the episode 4 scene with Theon and Jon. and yes these are the same people who hate the books and love the show. They've taken over the Theon tag.

hmmm. OKAY. SO. I cannot sadly reblog that post because I’m blocked by both parties in this story and whatever (NOT the person who made the gifset we all know who we’re talking about trololol *sigh*) but like, I read that post and fuck this noise, as someone who has basically started going into throbb hell thanks to that line and a lot of other shit I honestly have no fucks left to give on this matter so please let me say a few things.

first thing, saying that theon ‘can’t get over that line’ is already not understanding what the fuck that line is there for. thing is: he’s been feeling guilty SINCE A CLASH OF KINGS. the moment he realizes that robb was the person who was his home is the moment he accepts that he did wrong things and he lets it fucking go. or at least he lets it go enough to save jeyne’s hide and do one of the two heroic things people did in these books along with jaime saving brienne. that’s not about him being ridden by guilt, is theon admitting to himself what he had been denying since book two therefore making peace with the part of him who had betrayed robb which is what had been haunting him since acok among the rest but that he hadn’t quite been able to put into words.

like. he realizes he should have died with him. he realizes he’s lost the one person who liked him/cared about him for how he was. that’s the exact moment where every other thread in his story comes to a turning point and where he has to decide who the hell he is and what he wants to do with this life.

turns out he wants to be theon (not theon greyjoy or reek or whatever, theon, aka the person robb knew and who robb thought was an a+ person enough to stay friends with him for years but NEVER MIND THAT) and that what he wants to do is saying fuck you to ramsay, saving jeyne and jumping out of the castle. says something about how realizing that is not a bad thing for him that he put two and two together.

he wasn’t with robb but he wanted to be, and if he had died with robb he wouldn’t have gone through torture and shit which is honestly a good appeal, but the point is that he wanted to be with robb because robb was the one person who valued him and he’d have suffered a lot less but whatever. obv I’m glad he’s not dead. I also wish robb was not dead. but idk last time I wrote fanfic where they did die at the RW all the comments were ‘still less sad than canon’, everyone draw their conclusions.

I also want theon to move on and live a happy life, and the reason he can do it is that he realized he should have been with robb who was the one person who thought the world of him and he’s actually being that person right now without having to hide it because he can’t give two fucks. if he hadn’t come to that realization he could not live a happy life. because he’d be still torn by it. now that he realized it and he made peace with it, he can move on. he couldn’t move on if he hadn’t reached that stage and now that he’s lived up to what robb thought of him he can move the hell on.

he’s not beating himself on the head. he’s working through his guilt and succeeding at it, which the show is doing two seasons too late but never mind, and I hope he gets that defining moment in here too because he didn’t (yet, idk, I haven’t watch the last episode) and THAT WAS HIM REALIZING HE HAD TO MOVE ON. IT’S NOT UNHEALTHY GDI and tbh from two people who love the show best to say that when theon’s been carrying a lot more guilt on the show than in the book is like… what the fuck? then complain to d&d. book!theon’s been done with guilt the moment he jumped out of the walls with jeyne, or at least he’s been done with it enough that he can move on. show!theon hasn’t done that yet.

and he’s looked ahead THE MOMENT HE SAVED JEYNE RATHER THAN LETTING THE BOTH OF THEM DIE AND GO BACK TO RAMSAY like good lord how you don’t read that that way idk but it’s plenty obvious.

if they don’t like that quote, fine. but they really didn’t understand what the hell it’s about and if they didn’t realize that throughout all of adwd theon thought of robb when he wanted to think about when he was happy and not when he was feeling guilty idk what they were paying attention to. too bad because that’s exactly what happened but I guess it requires actually…… paying attention to the book which they already said to hell and back that they don’t like, which is okay. but can they let us people who like the book fucking live?

I’ve been throbb trash since I read that quote. I’ve been throbb trash about that quote for six years. I am never going to get over that damned line. a lot of other people will not either. They can go and make peace with it because the theon tag is full of people who like his and robb’s relationship and seeing it reduced to that and being told that we should get over it when theon’s relationship with robb is what saved his hide because if he didn’t have it he wouldn’t have had a point of reference for good memories/a support system is frankly ridiculous and I have no time for this. No, I’m not getting over it. Yes, it’s a fundamental line for theon’s char development. Feel free to dislike it but then stick to the show and don’t tell anyone to get over that fucking line. And given that basically that line is 90% of the reason why I’m this fandom, this sub-fandom and this ship and I certainly want theon to move on and be happy and so would robb, I find it honestly ridiculous to be told I should get over it. If there’s a reason so many people like it, ask yourself why and for the love of god stop trying to convince us all that the show version is better or that there’s nothing special about the book version.

(Now, this is not on the line but you mentioned the gifset so since I’m here: nice totally unwarranted trashing of poor kit’s acting huh? because obviously he can’t act and he has ‘his usual blank look’? listen, this is a post about theon and I love alfie’s acting and we all know that and I really goddamned do but I’ve seen just that frame and went like FUCKING HELL KIT WHY DO YOU HURT ME SO and like…. wow, nice putting them against each other when kit’s actually fairly good, has gotten really better from S4 onwards, is basically dragging half of this show on his shoulders and is not a bad actor at all all the contrary? christ, wow, amazing, apparently every single intention behind alfie’s acting is crystal clear and they know better than all of us but kit’s acting is ‘blank’ because he always has the same face? yeah no he doesn’t and it’d take watching any scene he was on in the last three years to see that he doesn’t and that it was really low. like. amazing. I knew someone was gonna put it on the acting side. I’ve known that since I knew jon and theon were meeting again. I’M NOT SURPRISED.)

tldr: no I’m not getting over this line, no a lot of other people are not getting over this line, and they should make damned peace with it because there’s a reason it’s a lot of people’s favorite line.

in conclusion:

Theon led the way up the stairs. I have climbed these steps a thousand times before. As a boy he would run up; descending, he would take the steps three at a time, leaping. Once he leapt right into Old Nan and knocked her to the floor. That earned him the worst thrashing he ever had at Winterfell, though it was almost tender compared to the beatings his brothers used to give him back on Pyke. He and Robb had fought many a heroic battle on these steps, slashing at one another with wooden swords. Good training, that; it brought home how hard it was to fight your way up a spiral stair against determined opposition. Ser Rodrik liked to say that one good man could hold a hundred, fighting down.That was long ago, though. They were all dead now. Jory, old Ser Rodrik, Lord Eddard, Harwin and Hullen, Cayn and Desmond and Fat Tom, Alyn with his dreams of knighthood, Mikken who had given him his first real sword. Even Old Nan, like as not.

And Robb. Robb who had been more a brother to Theon than any son born of Balon Greyjoy’s loins. Murdered at the Red Wedding, butchered by the Freys. I should have been with him. Where was I? I should have died with him.

thanks for the attention, I realize I’m coming off like an asshole, I honestly can’t with this thing where important lines from the books get demoted to ‘but they’re not important’ anymore and I’m not required playing nice at this point.

and given that jon’s had survivor’s guilt since he learned that robb died (but they wouldn’t know since from what I gathered they only read theon’s chapters so they obviously hadn’t read jon’s) it’s absolutely plausible that jon’s thinking the exact same thing. let that damned gifset live and let us book fans live.

[moonraisedsunchild]

How Can I Free My Mind

Jen belongs to @melyaliz as does gigi who is only mentioned, i hope i did her justice as i haven't read anything with her in it i think, and this is the story i promised her for the trade we did. It is longer then planned and went places i hadn't planned. I don't own any character except adi, anani, and the mentioned Marisol & leah. I hope you like it. Tagging: @speedypan @cuddles-for-cassie @coffee-randomness if anyone else wants to be tagged just let me know. ~ "Anani!" Conner called out as he saw her start to hurry out of the room. he was able to catch hold of her arm before she could leave though. She turned and glared at him a bit as they weren't friends. he was pretty sure that Anani hated him on Adi's behalf which he wasn't completely sure he understood the reason exactly. "Anani wait" he said in annoyance when she struggled a bit without using her powers on him. he was thankful for that even if it wasn't for his benefit. "What the hell do you want?" she demanded as she seemed to decide that humoring him would quicken the exchange. "i'm worried about adi. she hasn't been opening up to anyone on the team" he said deciding that since it involved Adi, Anani would ignore her hatred of him. "she opens up to me.... when i am around" Anani said and he could see that she felt some guilt at being absent often. "like you said, your not always around. i want to connect her with Jen. from what i have heard she is very good at what she does" Conner said and saw the sharp glare she gave at the comment. he almost held his breath waiting to see if she would start arguing with him or focus on the mention of Jen. Anani thought it over but her expression still held the glare. she could see some merit to Adi talking to someone else, someone that could be more constant and yet not joke things away as Marisol might do on occasions. "she won't like it. she has just started feeling safe enough with me to talk openly and now you want her to speak to someone that neither of us have met who could easily tell you everything she says" Anani commented. "i don't really care so much that she wont like it, i care that she might be struggling but not have the support she needs because your god knows where. besides that if you are so worried then come meet her. you hardly seem like the one to shy away from meeting people" Conner said but didn't comment on the last part. he wasn't sure whether that was something Jen would do though he thought it sounded rather unlikely. he could see he was wearing Anani down just before she covered her eyes with her hand as she sighed resigned to having to deal with conner and who knows how many other people. 'he honestly doesn't know me that well' she thought in an attempt to find something humorous enough to distract herself. "fine, i'll meet this 'jen' and if, thats a big if, she meets the standard then i will recommend her to Adi" Anani said seeing Conner seem to relax now that she had at least agreed a little bit and they hadn't started fighting like cats and dogs. ~ Conner carefully knocked on the door to Jen's office with Anani behind him. he was a bit tense with her behind him but also because he didn't know much about what would happen. he knew things about Jen but he didn't know her as well as others did nor did he look deeply into the work she did. when the door opened, Conner saw jen pause for a moment as she took in the two people in front og her. they were likely the last people she had expected, especially coming together. "Conner, Anani, come on in" Jen said in the way of a greeting as she stepped to the side so they could enter. Conner led Anani in and they both stood a bit awkwardly in the room as Jen closed the door and moved to sit down. Jen watched them for a second seeing how they both looked rather strained in each others presence. "what can i help you with" Jen asked and Conner looked toward Jen while Anani acted as if she hadn't heard. "i asked Anani if she would talk to Adi about coming to see you. i am worried about her. she isn't opening up to the team and Anani is not always around when Adi needs her" Conner explained and Jen took note that Anani's expression soured when he mentioned her frequent absences. "alright and Anani wanted to check me out first" Jen asked to clarify. Jen could see that Anani could probably have used her help too but Anani gave off a feeling that she was not open to the idea for herself at least. "yes, she said something about not wanting to recommend something she doesn't believe" Conner said though that hadn't really been said so much as implied. Jen gave a nod in understanding before asking "and you want to be present while Anani decides?" Jen wouldn't kick Conner out though his presence did seem to agitate Anani meaning that his continued presence in the room would make things tenser then they might have been. "i mostly want to get a better understanding on a few things that Anani mentioned as reasons that Adi might not want to be here" Conner said looking a bit awkward at that. Jen nodded before turning her attention to Anani. "feel free to ask as many questions as you need" she told her before watching as Anani gently lowered herself to sit on a chair nearby that was also away from Conner. "you have a patient confidentiality policy? would this prevent you from sharing what you hear with Conner or Kori?" Anani asked and Jen saw Conner shift a bit though the action didn't seem guilty or worried. more like he was interested in the answer himself but hadn't wanted to ask it. "i do have a patient confidentiality policy and that is what it means. beyond that, what people tell me are no one elses business." Jen said in agreement and could see that Anani relaxed ever so slightly. that had obviously been something that was a big worry and while Jen currently didn't know why that was, she could respect that Anani was obviously very imterested in protecting her friend from whatever threat there was even if the threat was from someone they were related to. "and what if Adi still won't talk to you?" Anani asked in a challenging tone that seemed to dare her to say that Adi would be forced to speak. Jen could tell that if she said something along those lines, Anani would probably walk out and Jen would likely never get close enough to even speak to Adi. Jen found herself wondering if Adi and Anani had formed almost a co-dependent relationship. she couldn't be sure nor did she want them to have a possible detrimental relationship but Anani was seeming far more protective than Jen would have pegged her to be. "I can't force anyone to talk. i want her to be comfortable enough to talk to me, sure, but trying to force something out of her wouldn't work anymore than trying to force you or conner to talk when you are determined to be silent" Jen said with a calculated shrug. Anani seemed to relax a bit more though she was obviously holding back as conner was present. "Conner, can i ask you a favor? if i give you the money for it, can you run and get me a coffee from the coffee shop down the street?" Jen asked noticing he had jumped to attention when she spoke to him. probably not expecting her to talk directly to him. Conner cleared his throat to hide the embarrassment that he had been caught off gaurd before he agreed and took the money she held out to him. "An iced coffee with milk" She told him and smiled when he nodded before heading to the door. she had a feeling he knew at least slightly why she was sending him on an errand. "okay so, now that he is gone, lay it on me. bring out the big guns" Jen said and smiled at the small twitch Anani tried to hide at that. Anani watched her with an assessing look before she spoke "Adi won't speak to you about what she might desperately need to. she is too stubborn and doesn't trust easily. they.... Kori and Conner hurt her far more than Cadmus ever could... in a single moment too." Anani was doing her best to explain without revealing things. Jen would need to know at least a bit of why Adi was so closed off. Anani tried to tell herself that this was more like one doctor telling another about a patient they both shared even though Anani wasn't a doctor at all. She just knew Adi and had more insight even if she mostly didn't use it though that was more because she was Adi's friend. She would listen and offer advice but she wasn't there to be Adi's therapist. "conner doesn't realize that he isn't going to fool Adi by having me ask. Adi knows me well enough to know when something was my idea and she knows my views on therapists" Anani said and gave a sheepish look though she wasn't apologetic in the slightest. Jen listened and nodded to show she was listening. she could easily read between the lines to see a bit of what she would be dealing with. She found herself giving an amused smile at Anani's confession on her likely negative views on therapy or at least those that ran therapy. Anani straightened her back before she said "i might not be too keen on this therapy thing but i will talk to her about seeing you. you seem nice enough and while not all my concerns have been spoken about, i can at least be content that you are far better so far then other shrinks i've met." Jen wanted to comment on that but she could tell that Anani was getting uncomfortable or likely she was uncomfortable that she was getting too comfortable and wanted to leave. "alright, are you on your way out then?" she asked and received a nod. Anani stood and was heading to the door when Conner returned with Jen's coffee. Conner looked confused for a moment that Anani was coming toward him but he saw Jen's nod and so he didn't try to stop Anani from leaving. He walked over to jen and gave her coffee which she thanked him for getting her. He was a bit unsure on what he should do now as he hadn't thought Anani would be done talking yet. "do you have any questions or concerns?" Jen asked seeming to take pity on him. Conner shook his head and Jen nodded before commenting "well then, feel free to leave if you want. Anani agreed to talk to Adi" ~ Adi smiled from where she stood talking to Gigi when she caught sight of Anani. She hadn't heard she was back from her school so it was a nice suprise to see her. "Ani! you're back!" Adi called and ran over coming to a stop with a little hop. Anani smiled at her in agreement. "you can't get rid of me that easily" she said and gave Gigi a friendly smile as the girl was giving her a curious look. "but i did come to see you with a ultirior motive. i have a mission soon and will be gone for a while. so i want you to meet with someone for you to talk to if you need." Anani said and held up her hands when Adi looked about to protest. "marisol doesn't count. we both love her to death but she isn't the most understanding when it comes to certain things. she is more likely to suggest something violent then to listen and offer advice you might need." Anani said before she grabbed Adi's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Look, i met the person and while not everything is completely worked out they are far better than most people i have met in their field" Anani said seriously as she saw the hesitance that often made up Adi in regards to trusting someone enough to talk openly to them. Anani glanced at Gigi before asking her "you know Jen, right?" and received a nod and a smile. "what do you think of her as a therapist?" Anani asked motioning in a way that she hoped got the message that 'she was trying to help Adi feel more comfortable' across. "you have to lay down on the couch to get the full use of her powers." Gigi said and laughed at Adi's expression which had turned rather freaked out especially when Gigi continued "she can read your mind and makes you feel better by talking" Anani gave Adi's hand another squeeze to hopefully reassure her that it was fine, that Jen could at least be trusted a little bit. "you really wish for me to go?" Adi asked sounding wary and she only looked a little disappointed when Anani nodded. Adi gave a weak nod to signal that she would go even if she wasn't exactly happy with the thought. ~ Adi and Anani Came to an agreement that Anani would sit outside Jen's office for the first visit. Anani could understand Adi's worries about this unknown person and it was perfectly reasonable to her that Adi would want some support even if it was just the reassuring sound of Anani's heartbeat nearby. Jen greeted them kindly when Anani knocked on the door while Adi internally struggled between knocking and running away. "i'm just here for moral support. i'll be out here if you need me Adi" Anani told both girls before taking a seat in a chair. Adi was hesitating outside the door especially as she was still not sure of this girl. Jen simply said "come in when you are ready" before she walked toward the seats in the room while leaving the door open. Adi gives Anani one last glance, seeing her give a reassuring smile, before she stands up striaght and with a determined expression enters the room and closes the door. Adi walked toward the couch as she ignored Jen's eyes on her before she sat down. before Jen could comment, Adi stretched out so she was laying down on the couch before she finally turned her attention to Jen who was looking a cross between bemused and curious. "what are you doing?" Jen asked with an amused tone. Adi's expression was a blank one as if not understanding what she meant. "laying down?" Adi said in a way that it sounded more like a question then a firm answer. "did Gigi tell you to do that?" Jen asked becoming a bit puzzled as this behavior was far from what she had expected from Adi and it didn't really resonate as something Adi would normally do. "yes, she did" Adi agreed with a nod and Jen almost snorted as well as roll her eyes in amusement. "Do whatever is comfortable for you" Jen commented watching carefully to see how Adi reacted to that. Adi eyed her for a minute before she stood and started pacing only stopping to demand "what is the point of this? you hardly seem the sort i would speak to freely" Jen was calm, in her element, as she replied "The point is that there are people worried about you. they want you to open up with them but since you won't they involved myself and Anani." Jen could see that that answer didn't really help ease Adi's mind or nerves. Jen could see that at this rate the pacing and agitation would only worsen because Adi didn't want to be there but felt trapped by wanting to appease her friend. Jen stood and walked to a cabnit in her office before pulling out the box of a board game. the game was called Trouble and for the most part she only pulled it out for more movement oriented patients. Jen went back to her seat before she started setting up the board. the game was more for four players but they could still play and if they wanted to make it more challenging they could always play using two colors each. Jen could feel eyes on her, though the pacing didn't stop it did slow. "wanna play?" Jen asked and heard a snort. Jen felt amusement though she didn't show it with the thought 'a difficult patient then' though Adi was far from the most difficult patient Jen had ever had. Things kept on in that line for about half an hour with Adi pacing while Jen played a large solo version of Trouble. After that, Adi finally caved and joined the game. Jen wondered if she might be more receptive to playing and possibly talking if Anani was in the room as well. she didn't plan to test it but it was definitely something interesting to consider. The session ended half an hour later and while it hadn't been super open or anything, it did end with Adi at least a little less reluctent to return for another session so Jen counted it as a win. especially when Anani seemed to relax a bit more upon hearing that. ~ It took about five more sessions before Jen made enough progress for Adi to talk even a little beyond small absentminded game comments, it was during the seventh one that she even broached the subject that had apparently weighed heavy on her. "do you ever wonder why you exist?" Adi asked sounding almost as if she was far away likely only in thought. Jen didn't know what answer she wanted though she did ask a question in return " i'm guessing that you do?" Adi only hummed in reply though it did sound like she was agreeing. "i can't seem to figure it out. i'm only 'special' in that i have powers but i never really used them when i was at Cadmus" Adi spoke and Jen could only be silent. she knew the bare minimum about Adi's creation though she could imagine why Adi might be hung up on it. though it sounded less like Adi was hung up on it and more like she was testing the waters on being honest. "do you believe that others think that way?" Jen finally asked watching as Adi poundered it. "most of them, yes. there are others like Anani, Marisol, Gigi, Bart, Jaime, Leah, and maybe Diana that don't" Adi admitted and Jen was quiet for a moment. "what about Conner and Kori?" Jen asked keeping her tone as soft but neutral as she could. "they don't think i am special at all. i am only a mistake to them and one they didn't even make." Adi replied in that far away voice again as if detatched from it all. "why do you think that?" Jen asked only to realize it might have been a mistake when Adi became focused in a sharp manner. "I don't think it. i KNOW it" she bit out with anger in her voice but the slightest wetness in her eyes. "How?" Jen asked in a firm but still gentle voice. she knew from Anani that even when blinded by rage, Adi still somehow was able to rein herself in enough not to hurt anyone that wasn't able to handle her powers. "they rejected me! they walked away and didn't look back! they left me when i needed them most!" Adi raged in a brittle voice. Jen knew she would have to ask some clarifying questions later whether she asked Adi or someone else was the question. "and how did that make you feel?" Jen asked almost cringing at how that sounded. it was a reasonable question but it definitely didn't sound as genuine as she had meant it to. Adi absolutely despised most pretenses or anything she viewed as fakeness. "you want to know how it made me feel?" Adi asked and her voice had a dangerous undertone to it. "it made me feel worthless. like i was an abomination, a monster! because someone else decided to create me without asking, the people that should love me and see me as their daughter" Adi raged not losing steam. "they couldn't wait to get away from me and they hate me. wanna know the funniest part? they hate me and i didn't understand why, but now i do because i hate me too." Adi finished quietly and stood before Jen could even blink. Before Jen could speak or try to stop her, Adi quickly left Jen's office. ~ for three months afterwards, Adi avoided everyone. Jen's attempts to find her or someone who knew where she was left her with no luck. Once Adi came back, she still avoided Jen for another month; she even went as far as flying off mid-conversation if Jen entered the same room. Conner and Anani both had gone to see jen in that time to find out what happened but only Anani went away with the understanding of what had happened. Jen hadn't said a word but Anani knew Adi well enough to know that Jen had both made progress and Adi had said something she hadn't meant to. it was at the start of the fifth month that Adi was forced to go back to see jen. however, things seemed as if they had gone back to square one. Adi didn't speak, play games, or even seem to acknowledge that Jen was there or spoke to her. She only paced from start to end of every session she was forced to go to. Jen understood her a bit better now though so even the smallest of movements meant something. Adi's body was just as good at expressing Adi's thoughts as her words could. It would take another three months before Adi started playing games again but without commenting.

[the-inept-mistweaver]

- sweet pea: what would you like to call your significant other? - sea lavender: can you swim? which strokes can you do? - windflower: list 5 of your favorite blogs and explain why i like them. - golden rod: are you more of a baker or a cook? - bloom: what is something that you would like to tell your children? -peony: what is something that you wish your parents could’ve told you?

((THIS BECAME WAY LONGER THAN I THOUGHT. IMSOSORRY.))

It wasn’t often Aki could be found loitering around Dalaran,Silvermoon or any place for that matter where there happened to be an abundanceof other bodies roaming around, but it seemed as though today would be anexception.

Sitting upon the top rail of one of the wooden pieces offencing at the end of the Walk of Elders, Aki had been enjoying his quiet timeto himself as he freshened up his people watching skills. Like anything when itcame to the monk though, it didn’t seem as if it was meant to last.

Setting his sights on one female in particular who seemed tobe heading in his direction, Aki could already feel the corners of his mouthcurling in slight displeasure as his ears fell back against matted platinumblonde locks.

Aki couldn’t even begin to guess as to what this womanwanted with him, but taking her pensive stride into account as she the distancebetween them, it didn’t seem as if it was going to result in anythingfavorable.

Slow to trace his tongue along in backs of his teeth beneathshrouded features in preparation verbally lash back at the woman the moment shedecided to open her mouth, the words soon filtering into his ears has Akichoking for a brief second on his now garbled speech.

After doing his best to stifle the grotesque sound emittingfrom his throat, Aki’s brows are left to dip in clear puzzlement.

“What?”

“What would you like to call your significant other?”

So he had heard it right. He heard and understood what wasbeing asked, but he had no idea as to -why- he was being asked such a questionwithout any context. It wasn’t as if the monk hadn’t been interviewed before,but he believed this to be an oddly personally question even for something likethat. Then again, what did he know?

Deciding it wouldn’t hurt to play along, Aki hummed a fewnotes while he pondered over how to best respond. “What would I like to callhim..? I… honestly have not thought of calling him anything aside from his nameor simply referring to him as my partner. I do not believe he minds beingcalled either of those things as he has never stated as such, but there isnothing else I really call him. Perhaps I should think on that more often,though, as he seems to have found a few things he seems to enjoy calling me.”

Pleased with his answer for once, Aki offered a parting nodtoward his curious new friend. Or, so he thought he’d be leaving after that butyet again he seemed to be wrong. Barely allowing her to finish the first partof her next question, Aki’s ears are once again wilting back in a defensivemanner before words are rolling off his tongue in a curt tone. “I cannot swimand I do not plan on learning how to any time soon.”

Straight to the point as ever and making a note to possiblyoffer some form of apology later to whoever this woman was given she lookedjust as surprised as he was by his last response, thankfully the next one wasfar more light-hearted.

“That entirely depends on which category heavily charred androck-solid pieces of cuisine fall under. In terms of which I prefer… I enjoyeating the goods bakers tend to make. That being said, I enjoy most all formsof food.”

And then all once Aki’s world is once more crashing down.Why was it that everyone he encountered always had to bring up a questionregarding question. Did he have any? Did he like them? Did he want them? Theynever bloody well ceased and each and every time they managed to through Akiinto a downward spiral. If only they knew.

Parting with a heavy sign from his lungs as his ears tucked theirway beneath a few strands of hair, Aki averted his gaze away from his interrogatorbefore daring to answer. “I would tell him I am sorry for not trying to do morefor him. I would apologize to him for not being able to be there in his time ofneed as a father should be. That even to this day not a moment goes by where Iam not missing him and that I hope he is still saving a spot for me in the nextlife.”

Deflating on the spot, Aki was rapidly approaching the pointof being completely done with the questionnaire. Sun help them all though, asthere seemed to be yet another question that continued to hit all the wrongbuttons when it came to the monk.

“I wish they would have told me they were proud of me andthe things I had done as a child even if I paled in comparison to my siblings.Simply being recognized as something more than an extra mouth to feed wouldhave been nice. I also wish they would have apologized for what they said thatday.”

With his mood having been thoroughly dampened with newfoundguilt and generally unpleasant emotions, Aki wasn’t going to give the woman anymore chances to pick away at his mind. He felt the answers he had given weremore than enough, and if she had a problem with it? He didn’t give a damn as hepushed himself free from the fence and roughly shoved his way past her.

Sun help him, he hated those of the opposite gender.

((I spent so long trying to figure out how I wanted to answer these, and it seems to have turned into a wall. Sorry! ANYWAY, now for the OOC ask.))

Windflower: list 5 of your favorite blogs and explain why i like them.

I honestly like every blog I follow. I mean, I wouldn’t be following them if I didn’t after all! However, in terms of my favourite blogs, those would have to be the ones owned by those I interact the most with. That isn’t to say I don’t appreciate all those who interact with me and are interested in my characters, because I

@hamathiel-sunsheer - Why? Grumpy elves, first of all. Not going to lie and I’ve told you this a few times, but I mean it. You intimidated me to no ends the first time you asked me to RP. I was so nervous to have someone ask me to RP, let alone someone who writes as well as you do. I’m glad you turned out to not be as spooky as I thought xD! I love reading your posts about the dorks and your interpretations/side of their interactions. Your writing is simply amazing and beautiful and you are honestly one of the best RP partners I’ve had over the years and one of the best friends i’ve ever had

@kelzthalassunwhisper - YOU KNEW YOU’D BE ON HERE, YOOUU. I love how much you post on your blog, whether it fits with your characters or just how random and completely out there it is. I love reading about your dragons as you do a grand job at writing for all them. I am so happy you threw those random Anon’s at me all those months back as you become one of my closest friends in that time. I love seeing at the random posts, photos, videos, anime references– EVERYTHING you manage to tag me it. Seeing and talking with you brightens my day, you nub. You’ve also helped me to become far more comfortable with openly derping around and just being myself

@hippocratic-malediction - I know we haven’t exactly talked. At all. Ever.  Aside from random comments back and forth sometimes, but my gods I cannot express how much I enjoy and how happy I am to find another person playing a medic character. A competent medic who actually takes the time to, go through the steps, takes care to assess the situation and how to best handle it and understands that while, yes, magical healing is a thing, that not all injuries or problems can be fixed with a flick of ones wrist. Seeing people fixing bones and the more severe injuries in a matter of seconds, only to see the once injured character back on the field ten minutes later with no repercussions or any hindrance on their abilities is a huge pet peeve of mine. Rarely do I ever see a healer character doing anything aside from flinging magic around, so to be able to read your excellent writing and about your character? I’m truly happy I stumbled upon your blog. I hope we can maybe plot someday!

@zookeeper-cielya - Yet another person I haven’t really got a chance to talk with too much, but you have been sending me asks for a long while now and I’m so sorry I still haven’t answered some from gods know many months back. I’m terrible at keeping up with tumblr. Either way, I love you blog and everything you do on it. I love sitting down to read through all the posts you do about the different animals and how much detail and actual research you put into them, and how you make references to the actual animal/at least try to find something that resembles the creature IRL. They are truly amazing and fun to read and I need to catch up on reading all these newer ones. They are extremely useful as well when it comes to RPing and I know a friend of mine who lacks a tumblr enjoys reading them to, as they play a hunter :P You are also extremely kind! You didn’t have to do that drawing of Aki, but the fact you took the time to do that even despite the fact we haven’t really ever spoken? I was blown away when I saw it. I love it, so thank you! I also hope I’ll get the chance to RP more with you.

@jackarychaoti - This nerd. We don’t tend to interact too much on tumblr these days, but I can say I laugh every time I get a random Bnet message from you with the sad face saying I ran over you xD However, I do enjoy reading about Jack and his adventures. Becuase gdi

@hippocratic-malediction thank you for the asks