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anteroom-of-death · 10 months ago

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Mistaken Identity

Synopsis: Malcolm is back in government. It's time for a budget. UNIT disapproves of their funding being cut. Whatever will happen?

a/n: two fics??? In the same year??? wow, prolific!!! And yes, this is leading to another fic, hopefully. In my mind several. I am pushing an agenda here, you'll see. Don't read if you dislike heavy language. It's a UNIT x The Thick of It crossover baby.

The meeting room echoed discordant with the sound of a water bottle being opened up. Conversation was at a near stand-still. The last time some one said something it was it was a string of epithets and a metaphor that fell apart rather quickly.

The Scot bore an aggrieved look into the head of UNIT. (another fine example of alphabet soup that needed pruned of government��) A heritage position, he noted. He remembered the last head. This was his daughter. A fussy little thing trying to be formidable. A hollow echo in regards to her father. At least he could give what was dished to him back. Or at least fucking take it with a grain of humor and salt.

Budgets were extra hard these days since some limp-dicked moron convinced the people that they needed to leave the EU.

Who knew putting the kibosh on the unrestricted travel and cheap trade of people, goods and services would backfire so spectacularly!

Malcolm was brought back in a snap election after the last man, who lasted slightly longer than a head of lettuce or that socially pure-secretly deviant blonde bitch. An old spin-doctor for a new Britain. Hopefully a better one. There were talks about whimpering to Brussels for a reunion ,or at least a better flow of things.

The pruning had begun.

And these absolute weapons were exceedingly aggressive. To show up, out of order. No forms for a proper meeting filed. Just showing up, guns nearly blazing, demanding a meeting with the cabinet.

Apparently he resembled some probably sterile expert they had on dial. At least seeing this cunt writhe at the differences between him and some bloke nicknamed “The Doctor” gave him a bit of fun. Or rather similarities.

Or lack thereof…

“I don’t mean that we don’t…care about the NHS or the fact that 62% of the country relies on food banks…it’s just a more pressing issue. We are attacked more than you’ll ever know by forces you can’t…we can’t even fathom.” She tried explaining diplomatically. Her little mate with an oversized rainbow scarf and horn-rimmed glasses swallowed, her chin dissolving into the mass of knitting.

“Oh, you don’t not care.” He snarled back pointing at her and switching his view point to the Prime Minister. “Oh that’s bloody so kind of her! Marie cunting Antoinette over here doesn’t not care. Alert the Sun and the Mirror! Let’s all eat cake made from fucking wishes and dreams! Tell the damn Guardian, print ‘Your children will die of hunger or scabies! But you’ll fucking be protected from forces you can’t fucking fathom!’”

“There’s really no need for that language.” Someone echoed with many in agreement.

“There’s no damn need for a fucking tax package the entire GDP of the Czech Republic.” Malcolm roared.

“Yes, we have to deal with-“ the current Prime Minister checked notes in an envelope, “Crumbling cement in schools and the maintenance of, “ He checked the notes again, “Lunar defense systems?” He grimaced. Unable to fathom why he went into politics at this point. The old guard, in the form of the Screaming Scot and the Head of some kind of Alien fighting organization both looking at him as if they knew exactly the time and place his body would be found if he didn’t appease either one. He really didn’t know what he was thinking when he was just a wee back-bencher almost several decades prior…

“Both seem vital in the process of protecting both King and country!” He tried a smattering of diplomacy.

Malcolm looked like he was going to launch himself at the PM. He automatically went to protect his teeth with his lips.

What came out of Malcolm’s mouth was almost a call for regicide threats and, for him, a thinly veiled death by spittle.

The meeting didn’t go as planned and neither side was happy.

UNIT declared, “We’ll be back when you lot see sense!”

And Malcolm trudged off to have a cup of coffee and wish he still smoked like he did in the 90s…

What kind of power did they get off having? He bemused as he remembered the first time this organization became relevant. (Despite bring in existence since the 60s.) It was after Jones and before that one that went mad after a week in power and killed the US president before getting shot by his own wife moments later. Malcolm thought that it was probably well-deserved. She looked like she was on the end of a battering or three at his hand.

Then things became less crazy. Then crazy again.

UNIT sopped up money and demanded more like a good piece of bread on a plate after a saucy meal.

This was the new Labour. Filled with Millennial and Gen z hopefuls that still had an ounce of morals and a smattering of hope for the future. All very tech dependent. He’d have a coronary coming out the shitter and seeing some puddle of them filming the next big viral dance video or hitting their vapes indoors.

Jokes on them, however. Their nicotine abuse would have them looking older than him within the decade.

A few days passed.

Malcolm went outside for a walk instead of launching basically his new Ollie Reeder out a window. These days, such activities would actually involve jail time. They’d go crying to the cops, the press and to mummy and there’d be actual repercussions for his actions…

His face crumpled into his hands as he leaned onto a bench.

Suddenly, like a bat out of fucking Hell, an armed battalion descended. Out of the mists and shouting, Kate Stewart emerged.

“Doctor, Zygons have returned! They’re in the sewers!” She shouted, helping a solider load him into a Range Rover.

He hadn’t the time to speak up or protest, the extreme speed and painful maneuvering they did in the process had winded him completely. He wasn’t a young man anymore. Such vast swathes of action upon his body weren’t so easy to recover from.

An iPad got shoved into his hand with screen glimmering. It was the entire sewage map for the south of England, some remarks showing something he had no fucking clue of.

“You’ve got the wrong fucking person, Twatty Katie.” Malcolm exclaimed, once he finally caught his breath.

Kate, slightly smugly sympathized: “Oh, do you have amnesia? This happened all the time in that one body of yours. Don’t worry.” She leaned over him and clicked a file. Basically a welcome back to being package. With this so-called Doctor’s faces glaring up at him and he whirled back to the so-called 12th face of his. The resemblance was frightening. Minus the poufy hair, which Malcolm wondered if he was a pouf, and the ageing rock star aesthetics, it was a perfect match.

Even down to the stress veins popped out.

He turned the iPad to her and put this man’s face next to his. “This ain’t fucking me, love. I’m not this fucking dude.” He thought maybe calling her love would get him one point. A little sweetness to dull the vinegar…

“Don’t play this game again! Time is of the essence! Call Clara! We can’t reach her!”

“Who the fuck is Clara?” He screamed, trying to slam his body into a door that would not unlock.

The Range Rover sped dangerously through the center of a roundabout. The entourage of Military vehicles followed in pursuit.

Malcolm slammed his palm into his forehead. The budget wasn’t stretched thin enough already!

The “love” didn’t work…

So he went back to his normal tactics of getting what he needed.

“Hey! Over-fucking-paid terrorists! You’re going to let me out before I take this ones fucking scarf and strangle you all so fuckin hard that you both see shitting stars before you go.” He pointed at Kate Stewart, jamming his finger into the space between them.

The words coursed out from Malcolm’s mouth the purest venom from a snake backed into a small space. Harassed, in a bad mood, plucked from his environment with no power except spray venomous spittle from his bared teeth and strike physically. Although the difference between a snake in a small space is that the humans that at least the snake had the power to permanently disfigure or kill it’s captors. Malcolm had no such luck. These people could wipe out his entire bloodline with a well-aimed barrage if he tried much of nothing…

After wearing himself our with his words, Malcolm resigned to fume silently.

Eventually the motorcade went into some underground bunker. He begrudgingly allowed himself to be dragged out and into it.

The taxpayer would flip their fucking lids if they got wind of that. He was gagged by the impressive size that seemed to defy all logics of physics and Euclidean mathematics. It was bigger on the inside!

He was led into a meeting room, cold water as well as cappuccino heaped with enough sugar to overwhelm an entire preschool’s population was waiting for him.

A team of scientists and soldiers seemed expectant. Like he was to give orders. Usually he loved giving orders. But this was the rare case he didn’t.

What little he gleaned from the iPad was that he resembled the most recent face of some shape-shifting Alien. Said alien had been working with them since the 70s. What was the immigration procedures for extraterrestrials, he felt himself wondering.

Of course the Tories previously to his regime would fucking allow a alien to live in the country and get such reverence. But not the untold number of decent fuckers fleeing absolute shit shows. He had a right mind to ring every prime minister and drive them to an assisted suicide.

“I’m Malcolm, not this fucking poof!” He grabbed at the iPad from Kate and tried to point at it. As if that would drive his point in a tad bit.

“Has he placed himself in a chameleon arch? Martha Jones mentioned these…” one scientist speculated.

“Jesus Christ…” Malcolm muttered rubbing his eyes and scratched his bridge of his nose. This was the point of no return for his already fragile sanity. He groaned.

He yet again resigned himself to one more, this time under his breath, string of expletives.

“What can I do to get me to leave this fucking doomsday bunker quickly?” He asked frankly.

“We have to train our eyes at these ships.” The screen flashed on, showing some massive blobs just past orbit of the Earth.

“They resemble our latest intel on Zygon space craft. Lower profile. They may be coming back on second thought from our last encounter…”

Malcolm groaned deeper.

“…and we may have to escalate and start an interplanetary war this time. Especially if the one leader still can shape shift into your associate, Clara and several of our employ. They could triangulate much of our defense systems using what’s blank in their retrieval of memory.” Some twee bitch in a cardigan and hipster glasses lectured.

“Yeah, just don’t do that.” He responded.

A flash of this associate, Clara, came onto the screen. He remarked that she was a hot piece of ass. He could see why this Doctor kept around. Smart and attractive. All big brown eyes and soft-looking skin…

They probably weren’t able to be reached for this fucking clusterfuck because he was shaft deep in her in some exotic, possibly off-Earth location. So he had to do. Fucking lovely.

Interplanetary war sounded expensive and deadly. Especially with shape shifters. Were all aliens shape-shifting? Were humans the only honest species that stuck to their same face that they were born with? (Minus plastic surgery.) (But even then…)

“Just fucking monitor them. Don’t pull the trigger until you see the whites of their eyes.” He waved his hands and dismissed.

“And what if they’ve already started invasion?”

“Put the fucking kettle on and entertain them until they get annoyed and fuck off on their own. I have faith in your abilities there!” He swathed, pointing absolute daggers at Kate.

Kate did some sort of hand signal.

“And do you think monitoring them is important? Important enough for finding loopholes for funding?” Ah, it was a trap.

“Well fucking played, Stewart!” He tossed the now-cold coffee at her and slammed down the cup, shattering it. He skittered the chair he was sat on backwards. It hit the wall with a huge crash-bang.

“We had no other choice, but to show you how important our work was!” She tried to reason.

“You cunt faced cow! Take me back now or I’ll make sure UNIT never fucking sees a pound of funding no matter what happens. I’ll sure as shit make legislation that fucking forbids you from so much as getting a penny!” He roared.

“So we have a deal?”

“For fuck’s sake!”

“We’ll release you if you give us funding…”

“Fucking fine, fuck, I’ll tell them to not cut the damn funding! We’ll gouge the normal armed forces. But if the rate of homelessness rises even a quarter of percent, I’ll order a goddamn drone strike on your fucking family’s estate. You hear that? Loud and fucking succinctly clear? You cockswabber?” He slammed his hands down in resignation.

Sometimes politics is about difficult choices and compromise, even if it means harming your constituents.

It went against Malcolm’s ethos, but at least he’d be free from this hell!

“We have your word, Tucker?” Kate edged closer, cautiously.

“Fucking, fine, yes, you do.” He slumped onto the ground, kicking a piece of shattered porcelain cup. The words came slow and sputtering.

“Good.”

Here’s led, crestfallen and slaw-jawed back to the motorcade and escorted back to 10 Downing. He went to the loo and looked at his reflection before splashing cold water in his face. He felt like he looked fifteen times older and ten times more grey than he did this morning. He pinched the edge of his nose and worked on his breathing.

He steeled himself before bursting into the Prime Minister’s office.

“So that damn budget proposal…” He drawled, a bit of the cup still lodged between his nail, dragging in the pain of that which was announcing, “…I have a cheeky fucking rework…”

#personal #i wrote this #Malcolm tucker #kate stewart #unit fic #doctor who #the thick of it #some allusion to whouffaldi #mistaken identity #political commentary #send help #peter capaldi #jemma redgrave #this fic is negative about unit #acab includes unit #Malcolm the hero of the normal person

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radioromantic-moved · 2 years ago

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i'll take care of you (it's rotten work) (yeah it sure fucking is)

this is so unbearably sweet by my usual standards for this ship...but also i'm kind of proud of it i'm afraid. if you'd rather read on google docs here is a link :) otherwise cytrex fluff (or what passes for fluff when it's them) under the cut

"Cyril, I am dying.”

“You’re not dying,” Cyril says patiently. “You just have a cold, and your immune system is still getting used to being off the station for the first time so it feels worse than it is. You’re going to be perfectly fine in four days or so.”

“If it’s not that bad, why are you sitting on the corner of the bed wearing a mask?”‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎Trexel‏‏‎ ‎asks, in a checkmate sort of tone.

Cyril clears their throat self consciously. “I mean, just because it’s not that bad doesn’t mean I want to catch it.”

“Quisling,” mutters‏‏‎ ‎Trexel, before launching into a series of raspy coughs. “I’m writing you out of my will,” he wheezes.

“I was in your will?” asks Cyril, who is, embarrassingly, a little charmed by this.

“Maybe. Whatever.” He rolls over and smushes his face into his pillow. “It just figures that everyone is too preoccupied to say their final goodbyes,” he bemoans, muffled. “Sure, David, your first friend in your entire slimy little clone life is lying here on his deathbed but you’d rather suck face with your idiot grand duke than offer even a smidge of solidarity to me in this--this--ha-chmph!”

“Don’t sneeze into your pillow, you’ll get snot on it,” Cyril scolds him. “Look, you know I’m not Bathin’s biggest fan either, but David clearly adores him and the feeling is mutual as far as I can tell, so just let them have this. Also, we are living on his planet, so try to play nice.”

Trexel‏‏‎ ‎rolls over blearily. “Say something mean about Bathin,” he urges. “I miss when you would do that. It’s my dying wish, Cyril.”

Cyril sighs deeply. “Trexel,‏‏‎ ‎if you somehow take a drastic turn for the worse before the end of today, I will make up a new insult to call Bathin and get it put on your tombstone.”

“Promise?” he asks with shining eyes and a little congested snuffle for extra effect.

“Cross my heart.”

“Thank you, Cyril,”‏‏‎ ‎Trexel‏‏‎ ‎says sweetly. “I lo--um, I l-like you. Very much.”

“I like you very much too, Trex,” Cyril says, and stars and planets they do in fact actually mean it. “I’m gonna make you some soup.”

“You can’t cook,”‏‏‎ ‎Trexel‏‏‎ ‎says suspiciously.

“First of all, rude, and second of all soup is barely cooking, it’s just throwing a bunch of things in a big pot. I can put things in a big pot!”

“I do like a big pot,” he ponders aloud. “Don’t burn anything down.”

Cyril giggles, which turns into a laugh bordering on the hysterical. “You’re one to talk, buddy. Also, so much of this place is water I don’t think I could burn anything down if I tried. But I will be careful. Get some sleep.”

Trexel‏‏‎ ‎nestles under the blankets, looking rather peaceful, especially for him. Cyril’s heart does a thing that might at one time have been cause for panic, but has now become rather routine.

And as just about anyone could tell you, Cyril Andromedus is a sucker for a routine.

The soup is salt, noodles, carrots, seaweed and meat. The seaweed is perhaps an unconventional addition, but‏‏‎ ‎Galactonium‏‏‎ ‎has bred this stuff for flavor, and there are over 50 unique‏‏‎ ‎Galactonian‏‏‎ ‎strains of edible seaweed (and just as many strains of…another kind). Even Cyril hasn’t memorized all of their names yet. Maybe next time they have a free day.

They bring the soup back into the bedroom and set it on‏‏‎ ‎Trexel’s nightstand. Their patient is still asleep. They go to wake him, but hesitate for a minute. Unconsciousness is perhaps the only state in which‏‏‎ ‎Trexel‏‏‎ ‎Geistman‏‏‎ ‎could be described as being calm, and it’s a pleasant novelty.

“A surprise party for me?” he murmurs. “Y’shouldn’t have. Eat the whole cake myself, don’t mind if I do…”

Upon seeing him beginning to drool on the pillow, Cyril snaps themself out of it and gently shakes him awake. “Soup delivery,” they announce.

Trexel‏‏‎ ‎emits an incomprehensible noise and slowly sits up.

“No cake?”

“Even you would not want to eat a cake I baked.”

“You underestimate the amount of things I’ll eat,”‏‏‎ ‎Trexel‏‏‎ ‎counters.

They hand him the bowl of soup, a spoon, and a tray (because they really do not want to wash these sheets until they absolutely have to). Trexel‏‏‎ ‎takes a small sip. “Hm. That’s…you know what, that’s okay,” he declares after a minute of deliberation. “Sorry for underestimating you.”

“Trexel‏‏‎ ‎Geistman‏‏‎ ‎apologizing for something?” Cyril gasps. “Never thought I’d see the day!”

“Shut up, I apologize all the time!” he protests. “Just only when I’m wrong, and that doesn’t happen very often, so there.” He coughs.

“I’m honored to have witnessed it.”

“You should be.” He slurps his soup aggressively.

Cyril leaves while he’s preoccupied to read for a while. They have about ten minutes before they hear a plaintive “Cyril…” coming from the bedroom.

Cyril closes the book and goes to check on‏‏‎ ‎Trexel. The soup bowl is discarded, empty, on his nightstand.

“Do you need more soup?” they ask. “I didn’t make a lot of it, it was kind of a small pot, but if you want I guess I can--”

“No, it’s fine,” he interrupts them. “I’m full on soup for now. I just. Um.”

He avoids eye contact with them, sneezes and swipes at his nose.

“Trex, what is it? Are you actually dying?”

He mumbles something under his breath, too quiet for them to hear.

“C’mon,‏‏‎ ‎Trexel, I’ve heard worse from you on a regular basis, I’m sure of it.”

Trexel‏‏‎ ‎looks hesitant, sneezes again, then forces out, “I would just. Like it. If you stayed here for a little while. And kept me company or something.”

Cyril blinks, caught off guard, then smiles softly. “Okay. I can do that.”

They sit on the bed, still near the edge, but risk scooting in a little closer to where‏‏‎ ‎Trexel is bundled under the covers. “Do you just want me to sit here?”

“You can talk if you want,” he says. “I can’t contribute much. My throat hurts. I don’t like it. I’m used to talking much more than this. S’difficult.”

“I can imagine. Oh my goodness, if you want me to talk, let me tell you about the‏‏‎ ‎Galactonium‏‏‎ ‎library! There are these jade designs on the walls and a fountain and more real paper books than I’ve ever seen in my life, and books written on all sorts of things OTHER than paper, I didn’t even know you could DO that, and Bathin told me I could volunteer there! And at the museums, too, if I wanted, and--”

Trexel‏‏‎ ‎makes a growly noise.

“--and, you know, that’s fine or whatever but I would have found a way to volunteer there even if he didn’t give me permission. He doesn’t control me or anything. Anyway, there were even books in other languages, and oh my VOIDS there’s even an OLD EARTH ARCHIVE like, IN THE LIBRARY, not off in some corner or anything, there’s real actual books and letters and magazines from Earth! I checked out so much stuff and I can’t wait to learn about the cultural context of all of it. When you’re feeling better, we can go together.”

“That sounds awful,” mumbles‏‏‎ ‎Trexel‏‏‎ ‎sleepily. “But I’ll do it for you.”

They rub the back of his head. “How selfless of you. You’ve come a long way.”

“I guess I have,”‏‏‎ ‎Trexel‏‏‎ ‎says softly, in a voice that sounds like maybe he’s realizing it for the first time. “I guess I have.”

#if this shows up in fandom tags i will be passing away forever.#my invisible letter trick pleaseeeee do not fail me now <3 #cyril andromedus and their malewife. whatever.#nyx makes something #ship: folie a deux #self ship #self shipping

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dear-ao3 · 7 months ago

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and welcome back to the off week. i really thought that i could get away with no update this week, but alas. contracts have been signed and ice cream has been made. dogs have appeared and red bull marketing continues to be, well, red bull marketing. so today is april 14, 2024 and lets just dive right in head first to the most bemusing smattering of information that is on this post

were covering a few things this update, each more perplexing than the last:

-landos continued dedication to the bit -charles leclerc (as an entity) -fernando alonsos cryptic way of speaking -carlos sainz tempting the devil (among others) -the bonkers social media highlights of the week -brocedes

so lets just get lando out of the way. back on the government mandated mclaren update. first, he was on the forbes 30 under 30 europe list for sports and games. now that im writing this, im not sure lando actually acknowledged this at all? it might have just been the mclaren ig acc. also his ln4 official account called him pookie. not once but twice. who is running this account. we need need answers.

he also stared directly into a camera not once but twice:

yeah man. idk either.

and lastly, if you remember last week lando ran into alex's grandma at the airport. alex albon posted photos of her at the end of the race weekend with a signed lando norris cap and the caption "left suzuka with some souvenirs...well grandma did"

moving on from that. mr leclerc. the miserable soup can. tho this week he was not miserable at all. i know! i was surprised too!

first! we have the tiny mystery dog:

his name is leo leclerc. in pretty much every photo of him charles is holding him like a tiny purse or perhaps the way sharpay evans would hold boi in high school musical. and many, many people were keen to point out that not only! can he be friends with lewis hamilton's dog roscoe next year, but also, he seems to have taken a page out of lewis hamiltons book in getting a dog and naming it after his biggest rival (roscoes name is quite close to nico rosberg and leo pretty much means lion which is max's nickname) (in case you dont know who nico rosberg is, worry not we will get to him at the end of this post)

and then, more interestingly, we have the launch of lec. charles's ice cream. and let me tell you, if anyone could have managed to look miserable while eating ice cream, it would have been charles, but alas he did not. there is life in his eyes this week!

tho he did say a few things that made me and others fear for his mental state, including comparing ice cream flavors to ferrari potential:

and oh yeah did i mention the flavor names are insane??

vanillove. salty carammmmel. peanut caramel tango. swirly pistachi-oh! and chocolate crunch.

and, as we know, charles and lewis will be teammates next year. lewis is vegan (and has an interesting affinity with vanilla ice cream but well get to that later) and charles had this to say when asked about making a vegan flavor for lewis:

"we were talking about it the last time on the track! he has this new alma project of his, which is very nice because he has developed a new soft drink, while i have ice cream. so surely, one day, when he arrives at ferrari, we will celebrate with my ice cream and his drink."

he was also asked by the italian press "to verstappen, what can we offer to him? chamomile ice cream to calm him down a little bit?" and charles said this in response:

"no, we have a good relationship. what im interested in is beating him on the track to start with, and that's what we're working on. i'll also give him the flavor he likes and then we'll try to beat him on the track."

which is all kinds of unhinged. especially coming from the same week that he got a dog and basically named it after max. (they still dont follow eachother on ig lets remember)

it was also pointed out by a few people, mainly on this tumblr post, that this had the same but also opposite energy as lewis saying this back in 2014 about if he remembered the first time he met nico rosberg: "I remember the first time I looked at girls. I remember when I met my girlfriend, the first time I had sex... But I never actually think about the first time I met Nico. I don't remember things like that." which is just. what a thing to say. anyway, we will get to brocedes later on this post and this will all make sense. or perhaps it wont. brocedes is an enigma.

now you might be wondering Why an f1 driver would make ice cream, given the fact that they adhere to pretty strict diets due to the weight restrictions on the cars and all that. well, aparently, that was the very reason why charles decided to make the ice cream in the first place:

"as a professional athlete it is crucial for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle where my performance is strongly linked to commitment, training and fitness. this, however does not prevent me from indulging in some small little forbidden pleasure, particularly that of a food i love."

which is to say, he definitely made his own ice cream brand (which has like protein and less calories in it or something) so that he can eat a whole pint of ice cream after he gets fucked over by the ferrari strategy once again.

and how does it taste? couldn't tell you, its only in italy and i live in the us. so if someone wants to teleport me ice cream i would be unbelievably pleased.

another driver was also hungry this week, but not hungry for ice cream, sweet treats or even food (well perhaps food. you do kind of need that to live), nay he was hungry for a contract renewal.

can you guess who it is?

if you guessed logan sargeant...well you would be incredibly incorrect.

but if you guessed fernando alonso, you would be right!

he extended his contract at aston martin. we dont know exactly how long it is, but it is multi year, meaning that he will be at aston until at least 2026. the aston martin team announced it in the funniest way they possibly could.

fernando also said This about the contract extension, which is intriguing and amusing:

"This is the longest contract I ever signed in my career. Something that will keep me linked with Aston Martin for many years to come.”

which leads many people to think that after hes done racing for them hes going to stay on as an engineer or a coach or an advisor or something else. which would be silly and goofy and evil of him as usual.

also on the contract hunt is one carlos sainz jr.

as we know, he was supposedly offered a contract at audi (currently stake) for 2025, but! he was also reportedly offered a mercedes contract!

this may come as a shock to many people because 1. mercedes pretty distinctly said that they hadn't been talking to carlos, 2. kimi antonelli is set to test driver a merc f1 car this week and 3. toto said last week (more or less) *cue austrian accent* "well you know the driver market is very fluid and we do not want to rush into any decisions blah blah blah"

reportedly though, carlos has not signed it because of the terms of it.

the contract that he was offered is a 1+1 contact, meaning that he is signed for one year with the opportunity to resign for a second year if hes doing well. he wants to be on the same contract at george russell, who has a 2+1 contract.

merc is probably doing this because they want to keep their options open for 2026. the options being signing kimi antonelli. who they really, really dont want to lose to another team (red bull).

also in terms of contract news, aparently red bull are reportedly considering re signing checo for 2025. this is rumored to be a 2 year contract. but he has to keep performing to the level that he is now. and historically, checo starts the season well and then it goes downhill.

and lastly, apparently yuki is reportedly on audis short list if carlos goes elsewhere

which takes us to an update on the open seats:

red bull: 1 mercedes: 1 ferrari: 0 mclaren: 0 aston martin: 0 alpine: 2 haas: 2 williams: 1 stake: 2 vcarb: 2

and now for the highlight of this post, the social media nonsense:

starting with the red bull marketing team making liam lawson read this script for a video:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Oracle Red Bull Racing (@redbullracing)

instagram

the general comments were "now he understands why checo and max dont like the marketing team"

also going off the rails this week was williams who posted this:

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A post shared by Williams Racing (@williamsracing)

instagram

alpine posted these two photos for pet day:

mercedes posted these photos of george, lewis and a child from the japan weekend:

max verstappen said this last weekend about f1 academy:

“There are girls, but much fewer than boys. For example, our team now only has boys riding. But if there is a fast girl among us, then of course we want her too. That's just how it is in the real world, isn't it? Team bosses don't look at whether someone is a boy or a girl. It's about how fast they are. It is good that Formula 1 now pays extra attention to women in motorsport with the F1 Academy, although I have doubts about how they approach it. The cars they drive are way too slow. If you ever want to get them into Formula 1, it really has to go to a higher level. It's nice and nice that girls are now sponsored by Formula 1 teams, but what do we actually help them with? There is no next step for them now. For example, the gap to a Formula 4 car is already too big.”

george russell is back on his shirtless (and toes out?) instagram pictures kick:

sir lewis hamilton won a gq global creativity award, where he was named and honors as a "f1 transcending powerhouse" and he also absolutely slayed the outfit game as per usual

zhou posted more content of his cat sweet corn

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and there was other stuff (carlos continues to seemingly bike across all of europe as does valtteri, logan and alex went golfing, several drivers went to the monaco tennis finals something or other etc etc) but thats the most important highlights

and so. without any further ado. a (very very abridged version) of the blood feud between sir lewis hamilton and nico rosberg

but before we get there, in case youre thinking to yourself, wow saph, your writing is so interesting and compelling! how do you do it! the answer is that i might not have a college degree in shitposting, but i do have a college degree in both history and writing, which together is a deathly combo that i wield like a very very dull double edged sword. in any case, should any of you want to read a more full length and in depth version of this feud, i am writing it out a la insane academic paper with the help of a few friends. why isn't the full version on this post? well this post is already too long and were barely at race 5 of 24 plus this is about the 2024 season and this drama is more than 10 years old. also, i did very very fully intend to have the insane brocedes lore post done before i updated this, but that is not physically possible so for now you will have to deal with this short version. and when i finish it, i will post it and link it here on this post for your viewing pleasure.

regardless. the blood feud.

was any real blood spilled? i have no idea. but nico rosberg did end up under a sink at one point in a hotel room in japan. thats neither here nor there tho and we dont know any more than that other than that it happened.

the feud is called a few things. the brocedes civil war. the silver war. the hamilton rosberg rivalry. any way you spin it, its about lewis and nico. and who might these two be? well im glad you asked:

we are already familiar with sir lewis hamilton:

8 7 time world champion, knighted by the queen of england, mercedes driver, owner of one dog named roscoe, enjoys surfing, fights for equal rights, all around good guy

and our other player, nico rosberg, who i have mentioned a few times:

1 time world champion, ex formula 1 driver for williams and mercedes. from germany but lives in Monaco, essentially a YouTuber, married with two daughters, now a sky sports presenter, was called brittney by the other drivers back in the day because of his hair.

tho this is Current Cool and (mostly) Chilled Out lewis and nico. which is. not the lewis and nico were talking about. nuh uh. at the time of these tales, these two were general pr nightmares and teammates at mercedes. lewis was not yet knighted. they were not nearly as reserved or chilled out At All. and over the course over the four years they were teammates at merc they managed to go from this:

to this:

(yes that is nico throwing his p2 hat at lewis i think this was in 2015 after lewis had just won the championship again. and it wasnt a friendly little toss toss. he wailed it across the room)

and these two. as you might have guessed. good freaking lord. theyre something.

so. we've talked about rivalries. we've briefly touched on charles and max, and lewis and seb, and we've talked about friendships like carlos and lando. lewis and nico put all of them to shame.

again, i will go deeper than this on the other post that is not done yet, but heres what you need to know to understand this season:

-as i said, these two used to be teammates, first in karting when they were kids and then again years later when they both finally made it to f1 at mercedes.

-because they were childhood friends, the lore here runs very very deep. both have said some of the best times in their lives were when they were teenagers trashing hotel rooms, wrestling and eating pizza and vanilla ice cream and kelloggs frosties late at night between karting races

-they were pretty unlikely friends. lewis grew up pretty poor and his dad worked 4 jobs to support his karting, he was bullied and dealt with a lot of racism. nico grew up wealthy as the son of an f1 world champion. both of them were different than the other karting kids (in opposite ways) and this is probably what drew them together

-they were teammates at merc from 2013-2016. this coincided with Peak Merc Dominance (beginning in 2014) and it was man against man from 2014-2016 as they both tried to beat the other in the championship. ultimately, this is what caused their friendship to deteriorate because they both became transfixed on beating eachother. after rosberg wrecked lewis's monaco race in 2014 lewis said that they were no longer friends, and there was also the scene where rosberg THREW his p2 hat at hamilton in the cool down room in texas in 2015 (pictured above), among many many other things (not counting all the times they crashed into eachother) (perhaps on purpose, perhaps not)

-lewis won the championship in 2014 and 2015 and basically, nico refused to be a second driver to lewis and wanted to beat him, he came very close in 2015 and then sacrificed literally everything (as in. stopped sleeping in the same bed as his own wife levels of sacrificing everything) in 2016 to beat him and win the world championship. including his friendship with lewis. he says that this was because winning the championship was his childhood dream. (his dad was also an f1 driver and had won the world championship).

-the championship in 2016 came down to the last race in abu dhabi, and reportedly nico was so nervous beforehand that he couldn't eat anything beforehand except for kellogg frosties, the very same cereal that he and lewis would eat straight out of the box as teens, but now they were hardly on speaking terms and he was battling him for the championship. they were playing all kinds of mind games with eachother at this point. this was the era of f1 where yeah you knew merc would probably win the race but you tuned in to see if nico and lewis would kill eachother on track. nico ended up winning the race and the championship and announced his retirement from the sport a few days later at the fia prize giving ceremony

-since then, lewis basically refuses to say nicos name and is generally awkward about the whole thing, but he and nico reportedly live in the same apartment building in monaco and lewis gets nicos daughters presents at christmas. nico pretty much looks murderous any time anyone suggests that lewis has lost his touch with racing or with the car and has said that in his heart lewis is still his best friend.

-lewis chilled the fuck out after this, complete 180 style. started being a pr dream, stopped calling out other drivers for not following him on twitter, doing activism, all of the good stuff we know him for now. theres one really heartbreaking interview in 2021 where they ask him if hes a better driver than he was in 2016 and he says "yes. and a better teammate."

-why is this important? well. nico as i said is a sky sports presenter and he is going to be at the chinese gp next week. also, you lot have been asking me to talk about them and simply there was no other place to put this.

-also, this has been lewis's worst start to an f1 season in his whole career (18 years). this is the first time that he hasn't had a top 5 finish in the first 4 races. yes, he has already signed with ferrari, but people are still wondering if hes lost his touch with the car, or if the car just kinda sucks. and i think nico is going to shoot some absolutely firey looks over this.

-also theres probably going to be a decent amount of talk about mercedes at the china gp because of all the contract talk going on around mercedes right now, so good to at least be somewhat familiar with the merc lore

and speaking of china! again! i remind you all! i am not watching the chinese gp live because i am being smited by my work schedule! the update will be late! but it will come! trust me! its also going to be an absolutely bonkers weekend! i know i say that every weekend but!! im feeling it in my baby seal boots this time!! does anyone even read this far on the post!! idk anymore!!!!

reguardless, thank you all for watching me loose my mind once again, ill see you all at some point next week :)

Sorry i tried to scroll past but, i know nothing about f1 other than max verstappen is fast, my dad doesnt like lewis hamilton, fast car goes in a loop and sometimes expodes. Could you give me a crash course in f1 drama? Im very intrigued. Whats the tea as it were?

a terribly loaded question, but i will do my best. i’ve talked about some of the drama before like the red bull second seat and the chronicles of haas but allow me to briefly try my hand at explaining the nightmare that is the upcoming silly season

under the cut we go

silly season is when the drivers go through contract renewals, extensions and switches. usually it’s confined to the first half of the season (march-july) but it has been known to extend all the way to the last race of the season and they like to switch people around at random sometimes. driver contracts are complex, there’s a lot of money involved and basically You Are The Face Of The Team so if you have a shit season then you make the team look bad. but at the same time you could have a shit season because you have a shit car. it’s sticky stuff.

so. there are only twenty seats in formula 1. 10 teams. each team gets two drivers. (there’s also reserve drivers but we’re not going to get into that). who ends up with a contract is largely up to the teams, they can pull the contract out from under people they can also cut you mid season. they’ve done it before.

of the 20 drivers on the grid, 14 of them have contracts expiring at the end of the year. yes. 14. you see how this could get complicated.

so let’s meet the teams.

red bull racing. they came first this year (and last year) in the championship. like aggressively first. like they won the championship by over 350 points. they are definitely the team to beat. but if you end up with a seat at red bull, you do have to deal with max verstappen being your teammate and he won all but three of the races last year. he’s the golden boy. red bull are also notoriously silly when it comes to contracts and famously swap people mid season who aren’t performing.

mercedes. merc is home to 7 time world champion lewis hamilton and they have won the championship a great many times, though not since 2021. they are kind of in their flop arc and their car the last 2 years has been pretty garbage, but they have still made it work because they were able to come in second last year.

ferrari. god help the poor little meow meows with a ferrari contract. ferrari is a notoriously great team and they’re trying to get back to the top again but their strategy every single time has fallen short. to the point where their drivers are the ones doing the strategy in their cars while driving. they came in third last year and have been decently consistent at getting first in qualifying and then getting beat by max verstappen on race day.

mclaren. they’ve definitely worked their way up over recent years. they ended fourth last year and have had some championship wins before but not nearly as many as say merc and ferrari. their team ceo (owner? director?) is a little interesting and their car started out a pile of flaming hot garbage at the beginning of the year but they did manage to get their shit together.

aston martin. they are owned by canadian billionaire lawrence stroll, father of lance stroll (one of the drivers for the team). they’ve undergone several name changes over the recent years (force india, racing point, etc). they positively slayed at the start of the season and then one day they sucked. they finished fifth in the championship.

alpine. the frenchest french team. they’re (i think?) still partially owned by the french government. both of their drivers are french. (their drivers also hate eachother but we’ll get to that. just know they’re in the middle of a modern french civil war). they had the opportunity to have a good rookie driver (oscar piastri) this past year but in a thrilling twitter battle, he publically flamed the shit out of them and went to mclaren instead (and slayed). they're usually solidly middle of the pack. they ended sixth in the championship.

williams. williams has been one of the back of the grid teams for the last many years but they have finally started to get their shit together and don’t quite suck as much as they used to. all of the points this year were scored by only one driver though (except one but we’ll get there). they came in seventh.

alpha tauri. they are the sister team of red bull. so technically redbull owns both teams (meaning they can swap drivers between teams. they like doing this.) they’ve just kind of been There for awhile but they did slay towards the end of the season when one of their drivers led the race for several laps. basically tho, this team is the gateway to redbull. they came in eighth.

alpha romeo. recently renamed to stake f1 team (but sometimes they are going to be called kick sauber. this is a whole other drama post and i’m not getting into it). they’re also just kind of there. generally unproblematic. seems that really great drivers who get ixed out of a contract for a younger driver end up here or young drivers who are in their early years are here before they go to a better team. they ended ninth this year.

haas. oh haas. goofy team. they suck. point blank they suck. they keep loosing sponsors because they suck, they don’t win ever (one time they came first in qualifying last year). they cursed themselves in australia in 2018 by not tightening their tires and its been downhill ever since. they came 10th. their team principle got let go (fired?) who’s to say today.

so those are the teams. it is important to note that:

-there is a cost cap. each team is allowed to spend no more than 135m per year.

-not all cars are equal. some things are standard. they all undergo the same testing. but the cars are all very different. so you can be a good driver but stuck in a shitty car. which makes it impressive if you are doing well in a shitty car.

let’s meet our drivers!!!

starting with the guys who’s contract is not ending in 2024:

max verstappen. 3 time world champion. 26 years old. general beast on the track. he dominated the whole season. he’s currently racing for red bull and has a contract with them through 2028.

lewis hamilton. 7 time world champion. 39 years old. he drives for mercedes. he will not leave mercedes until he retires. he really really wants to win an 8th world championship and is willing to stick it out a few more years as long as merc still believes in him. his contract expires in 2025.

george russell. the other merc driver. 26 years old. hes aggressively british and says thinks like blimey unironically. walking meme. got his merc seat in 2022 right when they entered their flop arc by getting his tractor of a williams to finish second in qualifying in the middle of a rainstorm. his contract expires in 2025.

lando norris. mclaren driver. 24 years old. he has notably never won a race in his five years of formula one (mostly because right when his car finally was good enough max verstappen was 20 seconds ahead of anyone) but he is regarded as Very Good. he has only ever driven for mclaren. and even though there is another year left on his contract there is mass speculation that he will not renew his contract with mclaren after it expires and he may move up to one of the top teams (red bull, merc, ferrari) (tho i think he doesnt hate himself quite enough to go to ferrari). his contract expires in 2025.

oscar piastri. the other mclaren driver. 22 years old. this was his rookie season and he positively slayed. like people compared his rookie season to lewis hamiltons rookie season. he also had the positively funniest start to his rookie year because alpine announced that he would be driving for them (he had been their reserve driver and in the alpine academy) and he posted a tweet that basically said yeah thats false i never singed anything with you and im going to race with mclaren instead (he dodged a bullet) and then alpine tried and failed to sue him for $4m USD. he signed a contract extension with mclaren this year and his contract expires in 2026.

lance stroll. aston martin driver and son of the aston martin owner. hes doing ok, tho there was conspiracy that he wanted to quit and have a tennis career awhile ago. but basically since his dad owns the team it seems that hes guaranteed a seat for as long as he wants one.

so now. moving onto the good shit. the people who have contracts expiring in 2024. hold onto your hats people.

charles leclerc. (everyones favorite slutty little soup can). 26 years old. he is currently at ferrari and he has been since 2019. notably, he was given the longest contract in the history of ferrari after a stellar rookie season at sauber (renamed to alpha romeo, renamed to stake f1) where he got the tractor of a car consistently into the points. having the longest contract in the history of ferrari was a flex at the time, but now its likely how he will introduce himself at therapy sessions. ferrari have fucked this man left right and center up the ass with a plastic lunchroom spork. hes talented, he can drive, and he can drive well. but the strategy that ferrari has absolutely sucks. either something is wrong with the car (see him blowing out his gear box on the formation lap in monaco, his car completely crapping out and spinning into the barrier in brazil before the race even started) or they fuck up his pit stops or put him on the wrong tires and honestly its just frustrating. but will he leave??? likely not. you'd have to pry ferrari out of his cold dead hands and at this rate that might be where this is headed though there has been some minor speculation of him going to another team like merc or red bull, but merc doesnt have any open seats and red bull is a whole other dumpster fire of drama. ferrari are going to have to pay him a boatload of money to make him stay.

carlos sainz. the smooth operator. 29 years old. ferrari driver. previously carlos was at toro rosso (renamed to alpha tauri), renault (renamed to alpine), and mclaren before signing with ferrari. he has been at ferrari since 2021 and has voiced that he would like to stay with them for however long he can. there is speculation that lando might replace him at ferrari (but landos contract is not up until 2025) and there is also some speculation that alex albon might replace him. while charles is clearly the golden boy at ferrari, carlos is slightly slower but also definitely consistent. he was THE ONLY non red bull driver to win a race this past year, in Singapore after max verstappedn was knocked out of qualifying by alpha tauri reserve driver liam lawson (more on him later) and because he basically came up with his own strategy in the car while he was driving.

sergio perez. aka checo. red bull driver. 33 years old. and oh boy here's where we open the can of worms. checo was previously at racing point (renamed aston martin) and it was very near the end of the 2020 (?) season and he was out of a contract. he had a bonkers race where he was knocked to the back of the grid and then overtook everyone and somehow ended up winning (there is more to that story but just trust me) and christian horner, red bull team principle, mr ginger spice and definite disney villain called him and said congrats sir you have a seat at red bull! well. fast forward. hes been causing problems. problems as in crashing a lot, generally not doing great and pissing the crap out of red bull. it is basically guaranteed at this point that he will not be getting a contract extension. there was actually talk this year of him losing his seat mid season to one of the alpha tauri drivers, because remember, red bull owns both teams and they can switch them whenever they want to (and they have!) but ultimately this did not happen. even though checo has a seat at red bull until the end of 2024, its mass speculated that he is going to get switched with an alpha tauri driver, probably daniel ricciardo (more on him shortly) mid season because there is a speculated clause in daniels contract that says that if checo isn't performing well in the first few races daniel is getting his seat.

daniel ricciardo. 34 years old. alpha tauri driver. man oh man what a guy. outside of being the prankster of the paddock, he has one of the most batshit careers of anyone currently on the grid. he started out at red bull and was showing real talent and skill and was on track to win things (and was!) and was there until the end of 2018 when max verstappen (his teammate) started getting preferential treatment and also red bull started having a lot of problems with their engines (which were being outsourced from Renault (now alpine) and another team on the grid) and well very very long story short he made the surprise move of the century and decided to sign with Renault (which makes no sense they're the one with the engine problems) and was there for 2 years before moving again to mclaren where he was reportedly not treated very well and had a hard time driving the car so they mutually ended his contract with them early and he basically retired at the end of the 2022 season and became a red bull reserve driver. then halfway through the 2023 season alpha tauri ixed one of their drivers, nyck de vries, because he wasnt doing well and promoted daniel back up to a full time driver at alpha tauri (which we know is only a step down from red bull) but then he broke his hand in a crash in zanvort (?) and then he was replaced for a few races by formula 2 driver liam lawson (who we will also talk about) and then he came back to finish out the season in alpha tauri after he was cleared. daniel has admitted openly that he never should have left red bull and he was given bad advice to do so. hes towards the end of his career at this point and its well known that he Really Really wants to finish out his career at red bull again. he and max have already been teammates before and they do work well together and daniel is great driver (see his comeback in texas (or maybe it was brazil?) this year). so. Pretty Sure that daniels going to get either an extension at alpha tauri or go up to red bull. thats what we all want. get this man in a red bull we need him there biblically.

liam lawson. now technically liam is not actually a formula 1 driver. hes a formula 2 driver, but he was daniels replacement for five races and there has been some speculation and some confirmed news about him so hes getting included. when he was racing for f1 he was at alpha tauri. hes 21 and looks like he belongs in the movie grease. no one was expecting him to slay in formula 1 and he positively knocked everyones socks off. the scene: Singapore. which, if you'll recall, is the one race that a not red bull driver won. this was largely because liam lawson slayed the absolute game in qualifying. the qualifying part of racing determines what order the cars start in on the grid for the race and theres three parts, the first two parts the bottom 5 drivers each time get knocked out and then the top 10 complete for the last 10 spots. liam lawson knocked BOTH max verstappen and checo perez out of qualifying in the second round by going very slightly faster than them, effectively fucking up red bulls race and allowing carlos to win. and he also scored points in that race, which no one was expecting. now thats all fine and dandy, but here's the speculation: hemlut marko (im pretty sure) (who is somehow decently involved in the decision making at red bull though i couldn't tell you how) said that he thinks that liam lawson will be in an f1 seat no later than 2025. meaning that he will probably get offered a contract this year. and hes already raced for alpha tauri. red bull have sunk a good amount of money into him. they clearly want him. so if he gets offered an alpha tauri seat in 2025, that means theres a good chance danny rics is going to red bull. do you SEE how the plot here is THICKENED

yuki tsunoda. age 23. currently at alpha tauri. and fun fact, the only alpha tauri driver to race there the whole year. he had three separate team mates. he is slaying and hes often slept on. he has a bit of a temper and likes to shout on the radio and also hates working out (they had to force him to move to italy or something to work out, long story) but hes been kinda killing it. he led several laps in the abu dhabi race this year and hes decently consistent. people think theres possibility that he could get moved up to red bull on account of the fact that he is younger than daniel and clearly has more years in him,, but there is also possibility that he might not because red bull like to make stupid decisions. and if he doesnt get moved up to rebel, will he stay with alpha tauri? we don't know.

alex albon. age 27. currently a williams driver. alex albon is another one with a batshit career. he started out his rookie year in 2019 at alpha tauri then got moved up to red bull halfway through the year when red bull decided that pierre gasley wasnt doing a good enough job (more on him later) and stayed with red bull for a solid year and a half until he lost his seat in 2021 to checo. he has been with williams for the last two years and is basically carrying the team. like. williams as a team scored 28 points this year. and alex albon scored 27 of those 28 points. and as we know, williams is still kind of in their shit arc (though they are doing much better. they didnt score any points for a solid 2 (?) years. so this is an improvement.) and if you can get a shit car to perform you catch the eye of bigger teams. now, alex has already been a red bull driver. and he was on the cusp of podiuming two separate times when lewis hamilton ran into him. this (among a few other things) basically killed his chances at getting resigned at red bull because he wasnt ""performing"" and red bull are bitches who love to win. but some people think that red bull should give him another shot. like daniel, hes already been max's teammate and he can definitely drive. but theres also talk he might go to ferrari because ferrari think that he might compliment charles's driving style (or something). but going to ferrari at this point is kind of suicide. so.

logan sergeant. age 23. the only american on the grid. the other williams driver. he just finished his rookie year. he scored a grand total of one single point this season, in texas, and it was because charles leclerc and lewis hamilton both got disqualified because the floor of their car had more wear (by literally less than millimeters) than it was allowed to, bumping him up from 12th to 10th. he has never done better than alex albon. he was also the very last driver to get a contract for 2024, with williams waiting until i think december of 2023 to announce his contract extension. clearly, hes on thin ice. but people have also said that he needs time to get used to formula 1 (other people have pointed out that oscar piastri slayed his rookie season this year and this statement about needing time is largely false). where logan ends up next year though will largely depend on how well the 2024 season goes for him.

fernando alonso. 42 years old. many people like to point out that oscar piastri is actually younger than fernando's racing career. he won tiktok creator of the year (somehow) and is also a 2 time world champion. he retired a few years ago, just to show back up again and slay. during the first half of the season when aston martin had a zoom zoom car he killed it, and then they had problems on top of problems and he didnt do well. except for that one race in brazil where he came in third, beating checo by literally .05 seconds. he hasn't really made any hints about retiring a second time and he is kind of carrying aston Martin right now (he scored 205 points this season, coming in 4th and tying in points with charles leclerc, lance stroll only scored 74 points this year.) and they did have their best year yet this year. (though they are relatively new).

pierre gasley. 27 years old. french. drives for alpine. the french team. previously he raced with toro rosso (now alpha tauri), then got promoted to a red bull driver in 2019, then halfway through the season they decided he wasnt doing a good enough job and he got demoted back down to alpha tauri. then he won a race with alpha tauri just to stick it to red bull. after the great oscar piastri contract twitter war, he was signed as alpines second driver, with Esteban ocon being the other driver (more on him soon). estie bestie and pierre (both french) were childhood friends and now hate each other for unknown reasons and basically feuded on the track for most of the season. french civil war at alpine. he scored 62 points in 2023 and came in 11th. not really sure where he will end up, it is possible that he will stick it out at alpine.

esteban ocon. 27 years old. also french. currently driving for alpine. another one with a silly bonkers career. he started out at force india and had a baller few seasons there but his teammate at the time was checo, and checo didnt really cooperate with him too much and caused some drama that cost estie bestie some places and some points. max verstappen also beat him up in the garage once. thats not really relevant but it did happen. anyway, after the owner of force india was arrested for .... i don't remember what maybe it was embezzlement or bankruptcy or something money related, the team was backed by lawrence stroll and became racing point. but all of that happened mid season and lawrence was basically like look ill back you guys for now but next year my son gets a seat (lance) so one of you two (checo and estie bestie) have to go. and ultimately they let estie bestie go even though he was more consistent because checo had more sponsors and they needed money. so he was out of formula 1 for a few years (but was a merc reserve driver) and then went to Renault, which then became alpine. he did come in 12th though overall this season, just behind pierre. so. will alpine keep both him and pierre and keep the civil war going? whos to say.

nico hulkenberg. 36 years old. haas driver. in his 200+ f1 races he has never been on the podium and he really really wants to be on the podium. unfortunately this will never happen in a haas because haas fucking sucks. and everyone knows it. he is getting towards the end of his career though. though! stake f1 will become the mario Andretti and audi team in 2026 (don't question it) and they have supposedly voiced interest in nico. so we will see if he hangs on that long to end up at audi. for now tough, hes definitely hating it at haas. though, haas are going to have a different team principle next year so maybe that will change things. i have a sneaky feeling through that haas will probably end up with another 2 rookie drivers because everyone else is smart enough to not race for them.

kevin magnussen. 31 years old. haas driver. hes another deeply interesting character. he has had one podium. in his rookie season. in his first race. and none since. kevin started at haas in 2017 and then left at then end of 2020 when he basically got kicked off because the team needed money and they wanted to bring in drivers with more sponsorships. these drivers were mick schumacher and nikita mazepin. so kevin basically was forced to retire after the 2020 season. this went decently well for haas. until russia invaded ukraine right before the start of the 2022 season and, well, nikita was Russian and it was never distinctly proven that his dads company (who was sponsoring the team) wasnt also funding the invasion. so nikita got fired and they were literally like 2 weeks out from the start of the season, down a driver. who are you gonna call? kevin magnussen! and hes been back ever since. but hes clearly getting annoyed with haas. there was one great clip from this year where his car caught on fire and he kind of just stared into to, clearly hoping it would burn for a long time. so the likelihood of him extending his contract is looking slim.

valtteri bottas. 34 years old. currently a driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo, kick sauber, whatever you wanna call it). previously, he was a mercedes driver and notoriously helped lewis hamilton win a great many championships, until he lost his seat to george russell in 2022. there was a rather awkward part of the 2021 season where valtteri knew that he was out of a merc seat the following year and kind of just chose violence. he slayed. then he went to alpha romeo, grew a mullet and made a calendar of his ass. quite the glow up if you ask me. hes also very interested in cycling. honestly though, i have my own personal speculation that hes going to retire at the end of this year.

zhou guanyu. 24 years old. driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo/kick sauber, etc etc). hes doing alright. he just finished his second season, in his first season he was majorly out qualified by valtteri but this past season he managed to out qualify him a good 6 times. which is decently good for the tractor of a car hes driving. its possible that he could get a contract extension, but like logan, its probably going to depend on how the 2024 season goes for him.

and thats all the drivers. theres also a few others i didnt talk about, like some other f2 drivers who want seats and mick schumacher, who is currently a merc reserve driver, all of which could be contenders for f1 seats. but one things for sure. this is going to be the silliest fucking silly season.

feel free to add on and peer review me

#not a tag #from saph #saph explains silly season 2024 #f1 #bit of a shorter update ???#just enough stuff happened to warrant its own post #anyway #yeah brocedes deep dive is Coming its just a Lot #and if im doing it its going to be thourough #i actually proof read this one so if theres mistakes its on me this time #Instagram

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weirdmarioenemies · 3 years ago

Photo

Name: Podoboo

Debut: Super Mario Bros.

Before I start this post, I’d like to clear something up. Podoboo? Yes, Podoboo! I’m well aware these enemies are often called Lava Bubbles and that’s the name Nintendo has been trying to make standardised these days, but you know what? You can’t make me! Podoboo is a lot cuter, plus its the name I grew up with and changes in society scare me and cause me to lash out! Maybe Lava Bubble is closer to the Japanese name of just “Bubble”, but since when has that been a factor in any of the localised names? Do you really want to refer as Lakitu as “Jugemu”, huh? I’ll have you know one of my civil rights as a citizen of Wet Dry World is to refer to Mario enemies with whichever official name I please. Like it or leave it!

So this is a post about Podoboo. Do you like Podoboo? I certainly Podo-do! They are perhaps the most generic design you could give to a Mario enemy, a visibly Dangerous Thing with two eyes, but they have always charmed me! It’s the little things, like their distinct shape and the fact their pupils are somewhat wider than most obstacles like this. They bring me comfort in dire times. No matter what happens, I know Podoboo will be there, jumping at a set height in a particular spot of lava! Without them I would be nothing!

So simple is their design, isn’t it weird to think they started off as even simpler? The Podoboos in the first SMB game are completely blind, and with no eyes they may as well not be creatures at all! Of course, I’m very glad they are creatures, and their iconic behaviour was there from the start! They love to jump, of course! There is nothing they would rather be doing!

Awaken! As of Super Mario World, they have been gifted sight and are no longer blind to the sins of this world! Hurray! What do you think they see as they jump up and down? I’m surprised it doesn’t make them dizzy!

You’ll be glad to hear Podoboos have had an expansive career ever since, now with their new trademark eyes! After all, they are THE lava enemy! Anywhere you’ve got that tasty hot fire juice, these guys are soon to follow! Here they are in Super Mario RPG, called Sparkies here because they couldn’t make up their minds on a localized name and probably because they confused them with Li’l Sparkies. In Yoshi’s Story they even called them Spark Spooks! Geez, I’ll even take the name Lava Bubble over this! But doesn’t this render look nice and juicy?

Though any great career has its flops, and I have to say... I am usually the first to campaign for the unique designs from the first three Paper Marios, but I do not really like this Lava Bubble! This takes away from their distinct Mario-y charm and makes them look like a Fire Enemy you could find in any other game! Though in the RPGs they are able to float around without needing any lava, the ones in Super Paper Mario act just like the platformer ones, jumping around despite not looking like they should be doing that! Ok!

The Podoboo from New Super Mario Bros. DS just wasn’t trying very hard at all. Come on! They could’ve it a bit more justice than this!

Ah, there we go! The Podoboos in New Super Mario Bros. Wii decided to finally stop messing about and go back to what everyone loved from them in Super Mario World. I encourage experimenting with your identity, of course, but it’s good to be back, and now they are more mortal than ever! A single shot from an Ice Flower is enough to instantly vaporize a Podoboo in a puff of smoke, which is a bit scary! Are they really just pure fireballs that can be put out just like that? What a frightening life to live!

And in Super Mario Galaxy 2, they... hey, wait!! You took away their eyes again! Now you are just being inconsiderate. This outraged me as a kid! One of my most vivid memories of playing this game with my brother involved chanting “Podoboo rights! They deserve eyes!” because this upset me so much. Maybe my past as an activist is why I am so passionate about Mario enemies these days... I think I was 100 percent correct in hindsight, and now you know some of my backstory, too!

What relief it gave me to find out they were back to their usual selves in 3D Land! And they have been ever since, of course getting redesigned for the modern Paper Mario games and everything.

What’s this? Blue Podoboos! Podo-blues, even...! They show up in 3D World, in its incredibly cool-looking blue lava levels! It’s a well known fact that blue fire is objectively cooler than red fire, and it seems even the Podoboos wanted in on the action! Blue Lava is an actual phenomenon I’ve just learnt, though it’s a sulfuric fire rather than lava. Could it be that Podoboos, being made entirely of lava, adapt to their environment? I’m not sure...

As an aside, the blue Lava Bubbles aren’t to be confused with Lava Bubble (Blue), which are from Mario Galaxy and show up during King Kaliente’s fight! They hop around on the ground and have square-ish eyes, which is enough to make them different I guess!

The Podoboo’s next big appearance, in Super Mario Odyssey, was in Soup! Yes you heard me- Soup! Some delightfully pepto-bismol pink coloured soup, no less. This is why I wasn’t too sure about Podoboo’s being able to adapt to their environment earlier- the Luncheon Kingdom is a big soup volcano after all, but the fact these Lava Bubbles are able to live in it is very interesting!

There is simply no way I would talk about Odyssey here without talking about possibly its greatest achievement, the best game design decision ever made! After decades of begging from fans, they finally did the impossible- they made Podoboo playable! Now it is Podo-you! It is quite unlike the other captures in the game, since it keeps the Podoboo’s simple-looking eyes and simply adds onto it a nose and a mustache! You may very well be the world’s first Podoboo with a sense of smell! I wonder if that is a benefit or not. The constant smell of soup might be a bit overpowering.

Not only is this delightful, but it gives us more insight into the life of the humble Podoboo. First of all is the fact that they can swim around in lava, not just jump in one spot! Do you think they do this when we aren’t looking? I really hope so! Imagine a school of Podoboos swimming through molten lava in a castle’s moat. How delightful!

The Luncheon Kingdom is also home to a number of Lava cannons, marked with a Podoboo’s lovely face. These are cannons for only for Podoboos to launch themselves across the kingdom, from one body of lava to another! My question is whether this was technology made by Podoboos themselves or whether it was made by some generous Podoboo lovers as some lava equivalent to the Fish Tube. I think I would take either explanation!

And last I have a Podoboo appearance that even I, the world’s biggest Podoboo fan, didn’t know about! Paper Mario Color Splash has a Big Lava Bubble boss which speaks with you through a Shy Guy translator! It is quite upset that you barged into its volcano and decided to change the temperature. Mario, of course, kills it anyway, and also the Shy Guy translator without a second thought.

Still, just take a look at this sprite sheet! How cute! A little disappointing that they thinned out the eyes, but wow! They more than make up for it with this range of expressions! An angry Podoboo! A sad Podoboo! And my personal favorite is of course the shocked Podoboo with its assymetrical dot eyes, which might be one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

To be honest, I could talk about Podoboo forever! If you didn’t stop me, I would go on all day about their every appearance, but I kind of had to limit myself to some of the most relevant ones. I just think they’re neat! And cute! And silly! Besides, I’m Mod F Boy, so I’m basically obliged to talk about fireballs with eyes! But for now I must bid you Pod-adieu!

...Not! What, did you really believe me? Well you clicked the Keep Reading button, so you only have yourself to blame for this. Here I am talking about more Lava Bubbles from all over, because Lava Bubble’s career has taken it BEYOND the Mario series! Wow!

Podoboo’s had quite a few appearance in the Zelda series, appearing in Link’s Awakening, both the Oracle games, and even Cadence of Hyrule! Their Zelda wiki page is still called Podoboo instead of Lava Bubble, which means those Zelda fans have it better than we do. But wow, this is a pretty angry looking Podoboo! I wouldn’t mess with them!

Both the Oracle games even had a Podoboo Tower! Amazing! They look quite a lot like a Fire Snake, but they are simply a tower of Podoboos! Why don’t they do this more often?

Hm... The Cadence of Hyrule one doesn’t have any eyes. Come on guys! It’s 2019! Podoboos having eyes should be standard! Though they still made the conscious decision to call them “Podoboos” in 2019, so I can’t be too mad.

And they have even spread to Minecraft! In the Mario Mash-up Pack, they replace the Magma Cube enemies, and really there was no better choice for this. And now we have a Podoboo Cube! What more could possibly be left for Podoboo?

The answer is obvious- Podoboo in real life! Thanks to a certain Lego Mario set, Podoboo is now real and can be in your home for the small price of 19,99 US dollars. Please give a Podoboo a home today! Just make sure you don’t own anything flammable.

#mario #mario enemies #podoboo #lava bubble #mod f boy

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roxannarambles · 3 years ago

Text

title: borrowed time (chapter 7/8)

ship: goldenlight (luz x hunter)

notes: Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six

summary: When opportunity knocks, Luz never fails to answer. What she doesn’t anticipate is that Hunter ends up along for the ride.

total fic word count: ~52k

Luz startled at the voice, turning to look. Camila called out,

"We're in the kitchen, sweetheart."

From the hallway, a face appeared, peeking into the room. The girl let out a surprised sound.

"Oh! You're already here. U-um . . . h-hello, Luz . . ."

Luz got up from the table and approached the timid girl. She wasn't what Luz had expected-- her face was unfamiliar, although somehow it also seemed familiar at the same time. She had Luz's button nose and skin color, but a rounder face and longer hair pulled into a ponytail, with a shy smile and a wary look in her hazel-green eyes.

". . . Vee?"

The girl nodded. Luz beamed at her.

"Hey! Love what you did with yourself, girl, looking great! It's so exciting to finally meet you in person."

Vee nodded, glancing over to Camila, as if seeking some emotional reassurance. At Camila's kind smile, she spoke again.

"Y-yeah, umm, I . . . I decided a while back to choose a different form, so I didn't look exactly like you. But I kept some things kind of similar, because I, um . . . I s-sort of felt like you were kind of almost like my sister, in some ways?"

Vee seemed very nervous about Luz's response to that, but Luz's eyes widened and she answered with glee,

"R-really?! That's so sweet, oh my gosh, I have a sister now!!"

She launched at Vee and hugged her, laughing happily. The girl was a little overwhelmed at Luz's zeal but answered,

"I-I'm glad you don't mind."

Luz grinned at her.

"Are you kidding? This is great! We can have sister bonding activities or whatever! What do sisters do, hmm, let's see, paint each other's nails, gossip about cute girls and guys, go commit petty larceny together . . .?"

Camila gave them a concerned look.

"Oh, uh, hm, I might have picked that one up from Eda, nevermind."

Camila cleared her throat and politely butted in,

"Actually, one of the things I've talked about with Vee recently was about her future. We talked about the possibility of adoption . . . if you were okay with it Luz, of course. And if that's still something Vee wants in the future."

Luz answered enthusiastically,

"Yes!! That would be amazing!"

Camila laughed, patting Luz's shoulder fondly.

"It was just one of many possibilities we discussed, so let's not rush into things for now. But I'm sure Vee is happy for such a warm welcome."

Vee nodded, smiling politely. Camila turned to glance at the clock and said,

"Goodness, it's later then I thought. Everyone is probably ready for dinner. Vee, would you mind helping me set the table? You can go and fetch Hunter, Luz."

"Aye aye," Luz said, saluting, then shuffling out of the kitchen. She found Hunter completely conked out on the couch, using one of the little couch pillows for his head. In the background, the TV was left on and had a soft-spoken, puffy-haired man painting a scenic picture with a lot of trees.

Luz couldn't help but smile at the young witch, who always seemed to be so adorable while sleeping. Her hand automatically went to touch his sleep-tousled hair before she could stop herself, but when he stirred and mumbled, she yelped and pulled away quickly.

He blinked at her blearily, leaning up into a sitting position. Luz said quickly,

"Um, hi! Sorry to wake you up, I just came to tell you that dinner's ready."

He ran a hand through his hair and answered groggily,

"It's ok, thanks."

Something seemed to click in his brain and he looked at her. Voice still groggy, he said,

"Wait, were you . . . touching my hair--"

"--WHAT, NOooo, haha, that's silly, anyway c'mon don't want the soup to get cold!"

She fled the room and bounced back to the kitchen, cringing at herself. God, she was getting worse. She needed to be less transparent.

"Oh, could you grab the napkins, Luz?"

Luz jerked out of her thoughts and moved to help Vee with setting the table.

Before long, they had all sat down for a lovely dinner, which felt delightfully domestic and cozy. Luz asked Vee to tell her all about summer camp, so Vee regaled them with her tales. A great deal of it sounded to Luz about as boring and torturous as she had expected, but Vee also talked a lot about fooling about with her fellow cabin-mates and the silly things they got up to, so it was nice to know she had found some genuine fun. The friends she described sounded like pretty cool people.

When the conversation had reached a lull, Vee shyly asked a question.

"S-so, um, Luz, now that you're back, does that mean you're going to be living here again?"

Luz smiled at her and then looked down nervously, swirling her soup around.

"Wellllll . . . it's a little complicated. At the moment I'm actually hoping to return to the Demon Realm for a bit. There's, uh, sort of a big thing going on with Emperor Belos right now. Like a . . . scheme to imprison or petrify all wild witches and then reshape multiple realms with the power of the Titan?"

Vee stared at her, her expression one of shock. She said,

"Oh."

Luz carried on,

"So, yeah, I want to return so we can put a stop to it. I need to make sure all my friends are safe."

The room fell into awkward silence for a bit. Vee seemed to be deep in thought. When she spoke again, her voice was soft but carried a quiet sort of intensity.

"You're really going back to face against him?"

Luz nodded. She answered her calmly,

"Yeah."

Vee gazed off into nowhere in particular, lost in thought. She seemed to be internally wrestling with something. Eventually, she looked back to Luz and said,

"To be honest, I still don't feel like I understand that much about you, Luz. Even after spending so much time in your shoes. But if you're serious about going back to stop him . . . after all that he's done . . ."

She was shaking a little, but she kept going;

"That . . . that would mean a lot. You must be a very good person."

She glanced away timidly.

"I'm . . . sorry if I misjudged you."

Luz smiled at her gently.

"Hey . . . it's ok. I know you have some mixed feelings about me. I don't blame you at all, I think anyone in your position would. I don't think I could even begin to understand what it's been like for you."

Vee gazed down at the table, expression somber. Luz continued,

"But as different as our lives have been, well. I still hope that one day we can come to understand each other a little better, you know? I'd like that. I'd love to get to know you better."

Vee looked back up at her.

"I-I think I'd like that too."

They smiled at each other, and Luz felt her heart warm. Her mother seemed very happy, and she spoke up.

"Well, now that we've heard Vee tell us about summer camp, maybe Luz could tell us a little more about what she did this summer? Would you be interested in that, Vee?"

Vee smiled at Camila and nodded. Camila said warmly,

"Good, I'd be interested in it too."

Luz grinned and glanced over to Hunter, who had been very quiet for most of the evening.

"You wanna hear about all my shenanigans too?"

He gave her a crooked smile, murmuring,

"I know you'd tell us anyway regardless."

Luz laughed brightly.

"True! Ok, let's see, where should I start . . ."

She ended up fetching her phone so she could show everyone the pictures and video she took in the Demon Realm.

". . . and this little cutie-wootie is named King," Luz said, playing them a video of King dancing in a cheerleader uniform.

"Eda found him wandering lost in an ancient secret castle and took him home with her, and now he's her adopted son!"

"He seems very sweet. Is . . . is the skull a little costume or . . ."

"Nah, that's just how he looks."

"Oh."

Luz flicked through her camera roll.

"Oh, and here's Amity. When I first met her, I was pretending to be Willow's Abomination project but Amity noticed something was fishy and then she tried to have me dissected! Haha, we laugh about that now."

Camila looked a tad concerned.

"Um, dissected?"

Luz waved her hand casually,

"It's fiiiine, we're like besties now and I'm pretty sure she was only half-serious about the dissection thing. Probably."

She rolled over to the next picture.

"And this is Willow! I talked a little about her last night, remember? She's the student I'm working with to combine plant and healing magic. See all this, she's using plant magic to make everything grow super fast!"

Hunter leaned in a little to see.

"Hmm. An entire greenhouse all at once? Impressive."

Luz beamed,

"I know, right? She was already so good at it before she had even moved to the plant track, and now she's pretty much unstoppable!"

As Luz flipped to the next photo, she said,

"This is Gus at a club meeting! There's this club at school he runs called the Human Appreciation Society, because humans are basically cryptids in the Demon Realm and so they're kinda fascinated with them. His latest project for the club is to start celebrating human holidays so I've been telling him all about Halloween so we can plan something. I think it's gonna turn out really fun!"

Vee seemed curious.

"Halloween? I-I don't think I've heard of that before."

Luz gave her an excited look.

"Ooh, I'll have to tell you about it later, it's a human holiday that's coming up next month. With your talents, in fact, it'll be perfect-- you'll definitely have the best Halloween costume."

Vee looked intrigued by this and agreed,

"Okay!"

Luz scrolled to the next shot, which was her friends gathered in the Owl House.

"And this was our first Moonlight Conjuring! That's basically like a slumber party but with some moon magic thrown in. We sorta animated the house by accident later that night and almost got killed by bounty hunters, but it was still a pretty amazing party overall."

"Wait, killed by bounty hunters?"

"Ummm moving right along, hey look, we're at the carnival here, isn't that cool? The Scarreis-Wheel definitely lived up to the hype, I had nightmares for three solid weeks afterwards!"

Hunter eyed the photo critically.

"I doubt any of those rides were up to code, you're lucky all you ended up with were nightmares."

Luz shot him a look, muttering urgently,

"Dude I'm trying not to freak mom out here, c'mon."

"Actually that part doesn't really surprise me, we've been to some pretty sketchy carnivals here too," Camila interjected. Luz smiled nervously and flipped through her pictures again.

"This is when we played Grudgby against the school bully! Her team technically won but we scored the moral victory, which is like, way cooler."

Camila looked relieved.

"Oh, you all look so cute. It's nice to know you had some normal, safe activities too."

"Yeah, exactly! Totally safe."

Luz flipped the picture and frowned as it showed Amity in a leg cast.

"UHH, ignore that, that was just umm, a minor break--"

She changed photos again.

"This was when-- oh wait, uh, nevermind, probably shouldn't mention that--"

She flicked through pictures rapidly, muttering,

"No, no, no . . . man, this is harder then I thought."

She paused on a photo of her on a pirate ship and beamed.

"Heeey, how about this? Pirates are fun! And I look so cute in my pirate outfit!"

They all looked at her picture. Amazed, Camila asked,

"You were on a pirate ship?"

Luz nodded.

"Yeah, sailing the boiling seas for adventure and treasure! Aw, here we all are singing a sea shanty, isn't that wholesome?"

She flipped through and frowned at the blurry, skewed shots of a gold-masked figure within a column of water, glowing with red magic. Flipping quickly, she passed through shots of a furious Selkidomus inflated, throwing its spines every which-way.

"Hold on, what was all that?"

Luz smiled nervously.

"Er, well, this is, uhh, when I first met Hunter! He sort of, um . . ." Luz coughed,

"Threatened to throw us all into the boiling sea and made us fight a Selkidomus, but y'know, people trying to get me killed is kinda how I first meet a lot of my friends!"

Glancing over, she saw that Hunter looked very unwell, almost as if sickened to be reminded of that day. His eyes were fixed away from her. Damn it, this was supposed to be a fun little jaunt through her photo album, and Luz was blowing it.

In a strained, quiet voice, Hunter muttered,

"I'm . . . I never . . . Luz, I'm sorry I . . ."

Luz told him firmly,

"Hey, I was serious, that really is how I've met like half my friends. Eda made me help her infiltrate the Conformatorium in exchange for going back home, the Bat Queen tried to tear my face off, Amity had the principal go after me with a knife, Lilith used me like a meat shield . . ."

Camila didn't look happy with this list at all. Luz pinched the bridge of her nose and said,

"Urgh, my point is, we all do stuff that maybe later on we decide wasn't so great, and that's fine-- what matters is that we learn and grow and whatever. And anyway, it turned out great in the end, we realized the Selkie had a little baby and she was just protecting her young. We told them to leave the Boiling Isles so they could be safe and we got some gold barf as a thank-you!"

He looked up at her warily. In a confused tone, he said,

"I thought . . . you killed it?"

She smiled and admitted,

"Yeeeah, we just sorta pretended we did. You never actually saw the fight directly though, remember?"

He blinked at her.

"Oh."

After an awkward silence, Luz started desperately flicking through her photos again.

"Look, I swear I have some pictures in here that don't make it seem like every single day I was on the brink of some horrible death--"

"Luz," Camila said.

"Just give me a minute, I know I'll find something--"

"Luz. It's ok."

Luz looked up at her mom. Camila sighed and told her with a fond smile,

"I'm not going to pretend I'm okay with how dangerous it's been for you, because I'm not. I'm going to worry no matter what. But I also see how deeply you love all of this."

She glanced between her, Vee and Hunter, adding,

"And I see that you've made some truly wonderful friends."

Hunter glanced away, embarrassed, and Vee blushed. Luz got misty-eyed.

"Aaawwh. Thank you, mom!"

Despite her mom's reassurance, she was still scrolling through her phone, trying to find pictures to share. Suddenly, she grinned.

"Hey, you guys wanna see an adorable picture of Hunter?"

A look of raw panic flashed in his eyes.

"LUZ--"

Fortunately for Hunter, Luz was only making an empty bluff and did not share that particular photo. She did continue to share other photos, though, and spent a little more time telling everyone stories about the Boiling Isles. When they'd finished with dinner, they all spent some time watching TV, a nature documentary in particular. Luz enjoyed getting the chance to talk to Vee a little more and just relax and unwind.

The evening seemed to fly by quickly. Soon she was already saying goodbye to Vee for the night and everyone was getting ready for bed. By the time she'd showered and brushed her teeth, the hour had grown quite late and the business of the day was finally catching up to her, making her feel comfortably worn-out.

Hunter was already in her room, reclined across the bottom bunk and reading a book, Rascal perched on his shoulder. Luz leaned in to read the cover and realized it was one of her school textbooks. Wow. What a giant nerd. She grinned.

He belatedly noticed her standing there, startling a little.

"Oh, hey."

"Hey. Enjoying highschool World History?"

He pondered the text a moment and answered seriously,

"The author seems to focus excessively on politics and war to the exclusion of almost all social and cultural history, so it's a little dry and uninformative."

Luz blinked at him.

"Huh . . . now I don't feel so bad about finding it boring."

"Oh, yeah, it's not just you."

He set the book aside, and for a few moments, there was an awkward silence. Petting his palisman, Hunter broke the quiet and asked,

"So . . . you seem to be getting along better with your mom?"

Luz nodded, answering cheerfully,

"Yeah! We finally had a big talk and worked things out. I think she's even gonna be ok with me returning to the Demon Realm. She just needs a little time to adjust to the idea."

Luz sat down on her chair, adding,

"She still was pretty bummed out she had to work today and miss spending time with me, so that's why we planned out tomorrow so we could have a little more quality time together. I think after that, she'll probably be more open to the idea of having to say goodbye again."

Hunter was still petting Rascal, not looking at her. After a pause, he asked quietly,

"So we may be able to leave as soon as tomorrow night?"

Luz studied him, trying to gauge his mood. She answered awkwardly,

"Um, well, I guess so, yeah."

He nodded.

"All right. I'll draw out the route I'm planning to take so you know exactly what we're doing. I'll include backup routes as well."

"Oh. Okay, that sounds good."

The room fell quiet. Hunter seemed tense and solemn, listlessly fluffing Rascal's crest, still not looking up. Cautiously, Luz asked,

"Hey, are you ok? You've seemed kinda down since we left the mall."

He looked caught out at her mention of the mall. Turning away, he remained silent for a while. Eventually, he muttered an answer, his voice coarse.

"Yeah. I'm fine. You just . . ."

He sighed. Softly, he confessed,

"You just made me forget for a while. About what I have to return to."

Luz felt her heart ache. Once again, she tried to persuade him, speaking gently;

"Hunter, you don't have to return to the way things were--"

He interrupted quietly,

"--Luz. Please. I don't want to talk about it."

She sighed, frustrated, but unable to argue with any heat when he looked so miserable. What did Belos do to him to destroy his hope so thoroughly? She was going to kick that guy's ass.

She knew she was starting to reach Hunter. If only she had a little more time. Maybe then she could convince him. Maybe . . . ugh.

Luz's eye fell upon the Azura book left on her desk, the light glyph sticking out as a bookmark. She picked up the book. Maybe at least she could chase away the miserable look from Hunter's face for just a little while? At least that would be something.

She got up and approached him, sitting on the foot of the bottom bunk; he looked at her warily. She said,

"Well, here's the thing-- all that stuff isn't happening right this moment. That's happening tomorrow or maybe even later. We still have tonight."

He seemed mildly confused. She lifted up the book to show him and gave him a little smile.

"So, uh, you wanna screw around a little more until then?"

He stared for a few moments, processing what she said.

Then, a dry laugh escaped him, almost as if it was involuntary. He shook his head.

"We're teetering on the brink of chaos and you really wanna spend the night reading your silly novel?"

Luz might have felt offended if it weren't for the fact that he was clearly fighting to keep a smile off his face. She leaned in, giving him her most appeasing look.

"It'll be fun, the next part's really good, I promise."

He hesitated for several moments before releasing a sigh.

". . . fine. But no acting out the scenes or yelling this time. I doubt you want to wake your mom up."

Luz felt a bit of disappointment, but she had to admit that made sense.

"Ok, ok. You still can read Malin's lines though."

Luz gave Hunter the book and she decided she'd look up a digital copy on her phone, just to make it easier to read. While she did essentially know the story from memory, it was late and she was pretty exhausted and didn't feel like the extra work. After dimming the lights except for the little lamp she used as a book light, she returned to sit on the foot of the bottom bunk, while Hunter was propped against the headboard on the opposite side of the mattress. Eagerly, she began to read where they'd left off. The story had Azura and Malin traveling together and learning they needed to find three sacred gemstones that would power up Azura's Ethereal staff and make it possible for her to defeat the cruel King Wrathmore. The story was engaging and nicely paced at this point, so it was easy to get into. Luz noticed the tension melted away from Hunter quickly, as he clearly enjoyed reading with her. As time passed, both of them grew drowsier, but neither one felt like quitting, so they continued to read.

"You know, when I agreed to come along for this excursion, I didn't realize that we'd be spending quite so much time hanging around bogs."

Looking at her softly-glowing cell phone, Luz read,

"Are you complaining? Nobody's making you come along, you know-- I'm perfectly capable of doing this on my own."

Hunter had sunk down a fair bit in bed at this point, still propped against the wall with a pillow but draped out very casually. He read his lines in a murmur that was growing progressively more gravelly in his drowsy state.

"Mmm, no, I'm still happy to join you. I couldn't bear the thought of some bog beast devouring such a fair and lovely witch like you."

Luz scoffed, returning,

"Hah, as if that would happen! I'm far more familiar with the Brimstone Bogs than you are."

"You claim that, Lady Azura, and yet you've lost your footing four times by now. I rather think you'd have ended up eating mud if I hadn't caught you that last time."

Luz faked a glare at him.

"The only reason I keep tripping is because I have to keep looking after you! You have been traipsing about like a fool, even though I warned you about the giant bog toads that live here."

"Yes, yes, bog toads-- you worry an awful lot over such trifling things."

"They are not trifles! One lick from their tongue can leave you paralyzed for an hour. I've half a mind to let them lick you if they find you."

Hunter chuckled.

"You wouldn't, my Lady; you are far too fond of me."

"'Fond'? Malin, I barely even tolerate you."

Hunter raised a brow and smiled at her from behind his book, murmuring lazily,

"There's no need to be coy; I see the way your breath quickens in my presence."

Luz quickly glanced away, clearing her throat. She read her line,

"It quickens because I am barely restraining the urge to pummel you."

His smile grew to a smirk and he continued to murmur,

"As you say, Lady Luz. Shall we continue walking?"

Luz skimmed her next line and said,

"Yes, we need to-- uhh, wait, did . . ." She laughed nervously and said,

"I think you meant 'Lady Azura?'"

She could see him mentally replaying what he'd said, looking surprised.

"R-right, sorry. Azura."

Luz squashed down her silly little grin and read,

"We need to hurry before we lose daylight."

Next was some narration that Luz read, describing how the pair of travelers came across an old, decrepit well half-submerged in the bog. The well was actually a secret entrance to one of Hecate’s dungeons, which was the location of the first sacred gemstone they needed. Although Malin wasn’t thrilled with how rickety the old well was, they both climbed the rope down, down, deep into the earth. When they both reached the bottom, they found themselves in a dark, dingy room with stone floors and walls. The air was cool and bog water leaked through cracks in the stone bricks. Azura used her staff to cast a light into the gloom.

Hunter blinked sleepily at the book in his hands and read his next lines.

“So we’ve gone from exploring bogs to climbing into wells so that we might wander aimlessly in the black. You certainly like to keep things interesting, my Lady.”

Luz answered wryly,

“I can’t help but feel as though you’re complaining again, Malin.”

He placed a hand to his chest and replied in a sweet voice,

“Not at all. Every moment spent in your presence is a pleasure.”

Luz couldn’t help smiling, feeling tickled that he was still putting some effort into acting. She read her next lines with the appropriate amount of sass.

“Well, if you want to keep enjoying the pleasure of my presence, I suggest sticking close. There are bloodwidow webs spun all over the walls and ceiling here, and you do not want to mess with those. One wrong step and you’ll end up a bite-sized snack.”

Hunter nodded.

“Yes, of course, as you say.”

“Now, it’s very dark down here and it’ll probably be very easy to get lost, so I’m going to leave a trail of magic lights behind me as we travel. That way we can keep track of where we’ve been. We’ll also need to map things out as we move along. It’s likely that this place is intentionally confusing. We . . . Malin.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re not even listening to me.”

Hunter protested,

“Of course I am!”

Luz gave him a skeptical look.

“Ok, then what did I tell you just now?”

Hunter glanced down at his book and murmured,

“Mmmnn, don’t get lost, stay close to you, make sure you don’t get too confused . . .”

Luz objected,

“That’s not what I said!”

Hunter gave her an apologetic smile.

“Forgive me, my Lady. I must confess I was momentarily distracted by your radiant beauty.”

“Malin—”

Hunter gazed at her from over the top of his book, interrupting in a mischievous voice;

“You have stunning eyes, you know. They’re the loveliest shade of auburn I’ve ever seen.”

Luz opened her mouth to reply but as she processed the words, her brain suddenly halted. She felt her face warm and she stammered,

“Uuhm, w-well, Azura’s eyes are blue, actually . . .”

He stared at her a moment and then looked back down at his book. He quickly sputtered,

“OH UH, right, blue! I meant blue! Of course.”

Luz giggled as he attempted to regain his composure. She said,

"It's an easy mistake."

He nodded, clearing his throat and agreeing seriously,

"Yeah, easy mistake."

Luz looked back down at her phone, smiling and reading her lines.

"If you don't stop fooling around, Malin, I really am going to leave you to get eaten by something. Here, take this and draw a map while we explore. I'll take the lead."

Seemingly recovered from his slip-up, Hunter read from his book,

"I couldn't possibly allow you to take the lead in such a dreadful place."

"Who has the Ethereal staff here, Malin?"

"You seem to forget I am armed with my own weapon."

Luz gestured at him, as if she could see his weapon.

"That sword? It's not going to do much against a bloodwidow's hide."

He replied smoothly,

"You underestimate my combat prowess, Lady Luz."

She struggled to keep from giggling and corrected,

"Azura."

He waved a dismissive hand and answered almost casually,

"Yeah, Azura, of course."

Luz bit her lower lip, grinning and saying,

"Ok I think you're doing it on purpose now."

He replied with a convincing deadpan,

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Still smiling, Luz read her next line off her phone,

"Look, I need you to quit arguing with me and just cooperate!"

Luz looked at him expectantly, waiting, but he said nothing more. Finally, he asked in an amused tone,

"Why are you looking at me? It's still your turn."

She glanced down at her phone and said,

"Oh! Sorry, you're right. Ahem. The sound of Azura's shout echoed in the dim, cavernous space, and soon after, there came a terrible rustling sound, like something huge was dragging along the ground in the darkness. Azura ducked down low and gestured for her companion to do the same; the pair huddled behind a pile of rubble. They watched in horror as a creature immerged from the black-- a hairy spider with glowing red eyes and enormous fangs. It seemed it had not yet spotted them, but it was investigating the room curiously. Azura leaned toward her companion and whispered to him."

Luz was about to read her next line, but then she giggled and said,

"Wait, hold on."

She scooched forward on the mattress, pushing through a pile of plushies in the way and getting closer to Hunter, who was still propped against the headboard with a pillow. She leaned in close so she could whisper directly into his ear;

"Don't. Move. A muscle. They're attracted to sound and vibration. It might give up and move on, if we're lucky."

As she leaned back again, she saw that Hunter looked very flustered, and his pointy witch ears gave an involuntary little twitch. Unable to meet her eyes, he instead struggled to get back on track with his lines, looking down at the book as if he'd lost his place.

"I, uhhh, umm . . ."

Luz grinned as she watched him. He muttered,

"H-hold on, I . . ."

Still scanning, it took him a good length of time to find his place again. He looked relieved when he finally did and he read in an unsteady voice;

"I-I say we strike the beast now, while we still have the element of surprise. I can surely sink my blade right between its eyes."

Luz put her hands on her hips, giving him a stern look.

"Don't be a fool, Hunter, that thing will swallow you like an insect."

He corrected her quietly,

"Malin."

She hummed,

"Malin, right."

She checked her phone and realized there was more narration to read. Leaning back against one of her plushies, she eagerly launched into the narration:

"Unfortunately, Azura's companion was not easily convinced once he'd made up his mind. With a battle-cry, he leapt out from behind the rubble and charged the gigantic arachnid, plunging his sword directly at its face. The spider reacted instantly, firing a jet of webbing from its mouth, which struck Malin head-on and shot him backwards, the glob of webbing sticking against the wall.

Realizing that time was of the essence, Azura powered up her staff and then charged, letting loose a volley of magic attacks. The magic struck the beast's legs and it briefly recoiled before trying to retaliate by capturing Azura in another blob of webbing. Azura rolled out of the way just in the nick of time, and then fired more magic at the beast as she lay prone on the ground. Enraged, the spider reared up on its legs, preparing to strike again. Thinking fast, Azura swung her staff, sending a huge gust of wind that shot the spider's silk back at itself, swirling around and binding it up tight. Once Azura ensured the spider was safely bound, she breathed a sigh of relief and turned to check on Malin Gael."

Smiling, she looked to Hunter as she continued;

"Azura saw that Malin was still tangled up in a spiderweb that had attached itself very high to one of the dungeon's walls. He was currently hanging upside-down, struggling with the dense, sticky silk but unable to wriggle free."

Hunter made an unhappy mumbling sound about his character's fate. With a gleeful look in her eye, Luz excitedly told him,

"You should go get up on the top bunk like I did before!"

Looking somewhat amused but reluctant, he said,

"I don't know if that's entirely necessary . . ."

"It would be so perfect, though!"

He seemed to be struggling to muster a proper argument against her raw enthusiasm.

"Yeah, but I . . ."

Without any sign of shame, she begged him,

"Pleeease?"

She watched as he groaned, burying his face in his hands. Giggling, she asked,

"Is that a yes? Does that mean yes?"

". . . all right, all right, you weirdo."

Luz made a cheer of joy but clamped a hand over her mouth in the middle of it, not wanting to wake her mother. She watched as Hunter crawled across the mattress and went to climb the ladder. After some shuffling around in the dark, he hung off the side of the top bunk, his face and torso suddenly appearing above her, upside-down.

"Are you satisfied?" he asked dryly as he dangled there. Luz grinned like an absolute idiot.

"Yes, yes I am."

Hunter's eyes grew wider and he suddenly groaned,

"Oh crap how did you even do this, all the blood is rushing to my head, owww."

"I get a lot of practice. Here, you can read your lines," Luz said, holding the book up for Hunter to see.

"I can't read upside down."

"Oh, right! Sorry!"

She turned the book upside-down and held it up again, pointing to a spot.

"Right there!"

His face was growing red from the blood rush but he read his lines anyway.

". . . my fair Azura, could you perhaps do me a small favor and cut me down from this pesky web?"

Luz lowered the book down so she could focus on her reply. She smiled blithely and batted her lashes at him, asking innocently,

"Oh, dear, are you sure you want me to let you down? I thought my wise, experienced teacher might want to demonstrate to me how it's done. . ."

She leaned closer and held the book up for him again. He made a garbled groan as he struggled to read.

"Uhhgh . . . I feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears . . . umm . . . that's all right, we can skip the lessons for the time being . . . just let me down, Luz."

"That's not quite what he says."

He waved his hands, saying impatiently,

"Yeah, ok, but you get the gist of it!"

Luz giggled and relented,

"Okaaaay, I guess I'll come to your rescue . . ."

She leaned even closer, pressing one of her fingers to her lips and giving it a little smooch, then reached out and booped Hunter's nose with that finger, grinning.

"Because you asked so nicely."

Hunter's ears twitched again and he emitted a tiny, surprised noise. Then, suddenly, his eyes widened and he began to slide down off the mattress at an alarming rate, yelping. Luz lurched forward and tried to push him back up by the shoulders and he flailed, twisting around to grab hold of the blankets and mattress desperately. In a wild and extremely awkward effort, he managed to drag himself back again before he slid off the bunk.

Luz stared at him as he panted, tangled up in the blankets. She tried very, very hard to keep from laughing, holding a hand to her mouth.

A muffled 'snirk' escaped her.

"Luz," he said in a low, warning tone. Her face contorted into a grin and she melted into helpless laughter, collapsing back down on the bottom bunk.

Hunter released a sigh. Luz gasped,

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but ohmygodthatwasamazing."

The bunk above her creaked as he untangled himself from the blankets and climbed back down the ladder. Luz tried to stop laughing, she really tried, but the moment was so firmly framed in her mind-- the shocked, adorable little sound he made followed by the sheer panic as he fell. Breathlessly, she asked,

"Is that what I looked like before, how did you not laugh at me?!"

As she battled to regain some composure, she heard a quiet little 'click' noise. Looking up, she saw it was Hunter standing there, aiming his witches' scroll at her. Realizing he'd taken a picture, she giggled and asked,

"What's that for, I thought you wanted an embarrassing picture of me?"

He sat back down on the bottom bunk with her.

"I realized that was a lost cause, so I'm settling for you just being a dork."

Luz snorted,

"As if you weren't too."

He leaned back against the pillow again and murmured,

"You can hardly blame me when I'd lost all higher brain functions hanging there like that."

This set off a fresh round of laughter from Luz, and he rolled his eyes, sighing. He said,

"You're insufferable."

But he was looking down at his scroll, smiling softly. Luz leaned forward a little, saying,

"Alright, I wanna see my picture."

He leaned away at the same time, saying,

"Nope, it's mine."

"Aw, c'mon--"

With a quick flurry of the wrist, he made the scroll vanish.

"That's cheating!"

He crossed his arms and smiled smugly at her. Luz heaved a sigh and flopped back against the plushies that were crowded against the wall.

"Fiiiine, whatever."

Still lying there, she reached for her phone and checked the screen.

"Y'wanna keep reading then?"

He yawned, stretching against the pillow and letting his arms flop back down.

"It's like the middle of the night, we should probably sleep at some point."

Luz made a soft moan of protest and murmured,

"Noooo, it's such a good scene though . . ."

With a crooked smile, Hunter replied,

"I am basically half asleep at this point, and I think you are too."

"No I'm not," she mumbled, looking through her phone.

"I'm gonna keep reading, you can just listen . . ."

Hunter dug under one of the covers, saying,

"Ok, you do that, but I'm sleeping."

"Mmmmnnghhh . . . oh, here we are. Azura cut Malin free with her magic wand, and then scolded him, telling him that he needs to be more careful around the bloodwidows."

Hunter closed his eyes and mumbled groggily,

"Malin goes to the tied-up spider and gets on its back so he can ride it like a pony through the dungeon . . ."

Luz giggled.

"That's not in the story."

Luz continued trying to read the chapter, but Hunter had been correct-- she was incredibly sleepy, and they both were drifting further and further towards unconsciousness.

Onward to Chapter 8

#toh #the owl house #goldenlight #lunter #huntceda #goldenluz #luz x hunter #luzxhunter #hunter x luz #hunterxluz #luzter #hunter the golden guard #luz noceda #mystuff #goldenlight fanfic

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folerdetdufoler · 3 years ago

Note

What are Magic 8ball Evak doing today? I miss them.

hey, sorry, you sent this a few weeks ago i think and i really got hung up on it.

usually this kind of thing would be fun to think about but because of the way time works i didn’t know how to write around it! like, when you sent it it was late august, and technically that had like, just happened in the story. we’d just had a late august, so i couldn’t figure out if i should write another “late august day” almost a year after the story finished, even though i only finished the story back in april. that felt like too much of a time jump though, and i hadn’t given isak and even enough time to grow after the story ended. someone else had asked for an update in the comments on ao3 and i couldn’t give them one, not the same way i have been doing for mondays. but i do want to do something, so…

even’s birthday fell on a sunday. it was the first one isak would be celebrating with him, so isak wanted it to be special. but so did sigrid, and she worked faster than him. she invited them to their house for dinner months in advance, which annoyed even. the saturday before, when they were all hanging out at elias’s apartment, even spent most of the time grumbling about it.

“i thought things were getting better with you guys?” elias asked from his throne.

even sighed. “yeah, i mean, we’re fine. this guy is her new bff.” even patted the head of curls sitting against the couch between his legs. “but i just know it’s going to be this over-the-top thing that i don’t want to have to deal with on my birthday of all days. i don’t want that attention.”

isak paused the race he was playing against mikael and whipped around. “you love the attention.”

“yours, not hers.” even gave that same head a correcting tap and isak returned to the game. “if she actually wanted to celebrate my birthday with me then she would ask me what i would like to do, and then maybe it would be something i would enjoy.”

isak scoffed but didn’t pause the game this time. “if she did that you would just tell her to leave you alone.”

“happy birthday to me!”

“then you should just tell her no, you don’t want to spend your birthday with her.” elias doled out the reasonable and obvious advice.

“i would have, but she invited both of us and isak accepted immediately. besides, it’s kind of a regular thing now, sunday dinners.”

“that’s cute,” mutta noted as he walked in from the kitchen with a bag of pretzels and jar of peanut butter. mikael pointed to the coffee table, a silent command to place the snack within his reach.

isak felt a little guilty then, but he kept it to himself. they kept playing their game until it was mutta’s turn, and then isak pushed himself to his feet. he gestured to even to follow him to the kitchen.

even had a big smile on his face as they stepped away, because he was probably thinking isak wanted to kiss him in the privacy of another room. isak did pull him in close by the waist, but it wasn’t for kisses. “we can skip tomorrow,” he offered instead.

even froze for a second, but then shook his head. “no, no, we can go. i would only make it worse by skipping.”

“i would be happy to tell her we’re skipping but take her out to dinner on her own another night, smooth things over.”

even chuckled. “i absolutely love that you feel comfortable having one-on-one dates with my mother but it’s really not necessary. I’m just…complaining. and i’ll complain a little bit more in therapy, and then i’ll work through why i’m complaining and then i’ll be in a better mood for tomorrow. okay?” he reached up and rubbed isak’s shoulders in reassurance.

“will you tell me about it when you get home?” sometimes even shared what they’d talked about and sometimes he didn’t. isak was getting better about asking permission to cross the ever-changing border.

even’s eyes shifted to the side. “it depends on what we dig up.”

isak accepted this. “okay.” he leaned in to kiss even’s cheek, physically changing the subject. “my next question is…how angry do you think elias will be if i steal the big pillows?”

―――

isak had moved into even’s apartment right before christmas, hauling bags and suitcases back and forth over a few days until most of his belongings were at even’s. he fit a desk and his nice chair in the bedroom, and somehow all of his clothes fit in even’s closet. the giant pillows he’d bought had stayed at elias’s apartment, mostly because they would get more use there; the boys still gathered on saturdays and needed the extra seating. but after even left for therapy this was isak’s chance to make the steal without ruining his surprise.

mikael helped him carry them to even’s apartment, since he was ready to leave around the same time as isak. they didn’t talk much on the walk over, but isak knew that that was mikael’s preferred level of communication, and they were both comfortable with it. isak would much prefer a mikael at peace than a mikael ready to launch an attack.

they deposited the pillows in the living room and mikael turned to leave. “we should be here at six?” he asked over his shoulder.

“yeah. i don’t know how late we’ll be but if we leave early then that would be a good time.”

“okay. and elias still has his key?”

“yup.” isak followed mikael down the stairs to their shoes.

“aight. we’ll see you tomorrow then.” mikael offered his hand for a casual slap-shake goodbye, the most physical intimacy isak had ever experienced with him.

“thanks for the help!”

mikael disappeared. isak went back upstairs to find his phone and finalize plans with kari anne in the group chat.

―――

isak dressed nicely for dinners at sigrid & jan’s house. this time he had a red fair isle sweater and dark wash jeans, and some chunky socks keeping his feet warm in his leather boots. even wore something very similar, but his sweater was cream with a different pattern. “do you think she’ll want to take pictures of us again?” even wondered while he combed back his hair, then gently mussed it into a style.

“of course. it’s your birthday. and we look handsome.” isak was applying a dot of concealer just because he could, though he would have to ask emma for more if he wanted to keep up this routine. even put his comb bak in the drawer then leaned in to kiss isak on his opposite cheek. he added a smack to his ass on the way out.

isak liked to dress up a bit because it felt like sigrid and jan dressed up too. it was the polite thing to do, but also isak knew that conversation would flow better if they were all on the same page, even with their appearance. they were all putting the same level of effort into the gathering, and then no one would feel out of place. and it wasn’t too much extra effort, because they would just save the same outfits for work the next day…as long as they didn’t get any stains on them.

they gathered their outerwear as they walked down the stairs, pulling hats and scarves and heavy coats from the hooks along the walls. isak checked in with even right before they left. “are you sure?”

even nodded and smiled and isak didn’t doubt the honesty of his response. he’d shared that his session yesterday had gone well, and they’d talked about certain behaviors from sigrid and himself that he wanted to avoid. “like i’ve been remembering things she’s said and reacting to those instead of what she’s actually doing now. when i feel ready to discuss those past…transgressions, then i need to have a conversation specifically about those moments, versus whatever might be triggering those memories now, whether they’re related or not. otherwise it’s kind of like these mixed messages. she won’t understand what’s actually upsetting me.”

on the way over isak suggested a dinner with just his parents, where isak stayed home. “would it be easier, or give you more of an opportunity to discuss those things without me there?”

“maybe another time. sundays are nice with you.” he gave isak’s hand a squeeze.

they held hands in public now, while they were commuting to work or grocery shopping or walking over to elias’s or meeting emma for dinner. if isak happened to catch a stranger’s curious look, he might tense up a bit, but he didn’t let go anymore.

sigrid & jan’s house was a tiny thing that they’d moved into after even went to university. its yard was bigger than the actual house, but it was completely filled with jan’s garden. another nice thing about going to visit was that they always came home with plenty of seasonal crops. and in the winter it was usually canned fruits, jams, or pickled veggies. sigrid greeted them with big hugs and jan immediately presented two very small jars of “blackberry jam! i got just enough off of that bush at the back.”

“i thought it had died!” even exclaimed, the genuine shock and delight at the gift lifting his voice.

“it’s definitely on its last legs…uh, roots.”

“he was out there every day scouring the brambles.” sigrid shook her head but she was clearly proud of his efforts. then she took isak’s hand and pulled him to the kitchen. even and jan went to the tall closet at the back of the living room where jan stored his jars. “you both look so cozy today. remind me to take a picture later.” she brought him to the stove where she had two large pots simmering. she pointed to one. “i need you to blend that while i get this bread finished.”

“what is it?”

“that’s butternut squash, and this…is a ministrone. kind of. i’ve taken some liberties.”

isak picked up the immersion blender that was sitting next to the stove. sigrid had gotten it started but it was still chunky in spots. while he stood there and mixed the soup she sliced a loaf of bread and laid it out on a baking tray. each slice got a thick spread of butter. isak stepped to the side so she could open the oven and slide the tray in for a quick broil.

she flicked her eyes toward the living room and then leaned toward isak’s chest. “how has he been?”

sigrid asked this question every time they were together. isak had thought it was just general curiosity about the new relationship, but once isak revealed that to even he had rolled his eyes. she was asking isak because it was the nervous curiosity that even had tried to distance himself from years ago. eventually he told his mother to stop using isak to get answers about her own son. that turned into an argument where sigrid nearly started crying about how even wouldn't answer her so she had no choice. she excused herself from the table and jan was left to host the boys through the rest of a very quiet dinner.

at this point isak was comfortable pushing back to defend even’s boundary. “sigrid, you know i’m not going to speak for him. how’s this, is it smooth enough?”

she glanced into the pot. “yes, that looks good.” isak’s deflection seemed to work. “now grab some bowls from the shelf for me please. thank goodness he found a tall one to bring home,” she muttered to herself. isak blushed but easily picked four bowls from up high.

even and jan came to the kitchen shortly after, with jan still talking as they headed to the table. isak passed them the silverware and glasses to set out at each seat. then he helped sigrid carry the pots to the table. before she sat down she dropped a kiss on the crown of even’s head. “how are you doing?” she asked as casually as she could as she moved to her chair. isak sat on the other side of the table, so the couples could look at each other directly. isak studied even as he answered.

“i’m fine, mamma. a little nervous about pappa’s grand scheme over here, but everything else is okay.” isak couldn’t hear any tension in his voice so he relaxed a little bit.

“oh, is he trying to get you on his side about buying a van?”

“how else will i transport my vegetables, sigrid?” jan sounded exasperated by her skepticism.

“dearest, you don’t even have the stall permit yet. don’t put the cart—excuse me, the van—before the horse.”

“catch me up?” isak requested of the table in general. jan gleefully started from the beginning with his grand plan to join the farmer’s market that summer, with the full list of his crops and ideas for clever names for his backyard farm.

most of dinner was spent discussing this great undertaking, with even contributing creative enthusiasm and sigrid sprinkling it all with caution and logic. then they pivoted to jan’s work at the office, and how he found his attention shifting so easily in the warmer months. jan and sigrid lived comfortably and were starting to entertain plans for retirement. that led to talking about the cabin, which turned into the perfect segue by the time they were clearing the table for dessert.

Isak fetched smaller plates from an even higher shelf, and even clapped when sigrid revealed his cake. it was a tall layer cake draped in swirls of light blue icing. there were six candles on top and even’s name written in a shaky, dark blue script. “do you remember that picture you put in the folder for me? the close-up of his face?” sigrid asked isak. he nodded. every few weeks he picked a photo (with even’s approval) from his phone and uploaded it as a wordless update for his parents. that one had been from early december, when they went out for lunch on a random tuesday, just to get some sunlight. “i zoomed in on his eyes and picked the blue color from there.” sigrid twisted to even and cupped his cheeks with her small hands. even leaned into the adoring gesture and those blue eyes crinkled up with a smile. they shared a silent moment of connection and then she released him to stand in front of her chair. isak stood up too. jan struck a match to light the candles.

even laughed and gamely clapped while they sang the birthday song. he watched isak spin around with a little flare, and isak genuinely enjoyed performing something he used to roll his eyes at. then even paused to make a wish and blew out the candles. isak knew he would ask him what he wished for later.

the cake was delicious, and they each had two slices. even tried to flick icing across the table at isak but sigrid threatened him with a spoon. “if you get icing on my wall you are cleaning it up, birthday boy.” even agreed to those terms and kept trying. then jan left the table for the bedroom, and returned by sliding a tall, skinny cardboard box through the kitchen. it had a blue bow stuck on top, which was enough, since it would’ve taken an obscene amount of wrapping paper to cover the whole thing.

“eh?” even stood to look at the box.

“happy birthday, dearest.” sigrid looked very proud of the gift and was enjoying even’s puzzlement. jan stepped back and let even walk around it. they had to hold it at the top so it wouldn’t fall over.

“it’s heavy….” even’s eyes scanned each side. “is…did you get me a bed?” he gripped the box to turn it around, showing sigrid and isak the diagram on the other side. it was, in fact, a bed. “thank you,” even whispered, without much conviction.

“it looks like a nice bed,” isak added, coming around the table to look at the dimensions. “we can get the guys to help us carry it upstairs.”

“oh no! no!” sigrid nearly yelled. “it’s not for—it’s for the cabin. you don’t have to carry it anywhere. pappa and i will take it up on our next trip and build it in your room, so now you’ll have a proper bed for when you and isak visit. i didn’t want those flimsy beds from when you were a kid stopping you from staying in ålesund.”

even’s face relaxed as his mother explained and the bed made more sense. he leaned the box against the nearest counter edge and moved around it to give sigrid a hug. “thank you,” he said again, with actual gratitude. “that’s such a lovely gesture for the both of us.” he pressed a heavy kiss on sigrid’s cheek and isak saw her squeeze her eyes closed. she was going to cry. she let out a tiny gasp when even pulled back. he went to jan to give him a hug as well, and sigrid turned away from them to hide her tears. but isak stepped in and opened his arms for a hug as well, and she fell into his chest and let loose against his sweater.

“thank you, sigrid. that means so much to us.” he rubbed her back to calm her down. “let us know when you’d like a family vacation and we’ll try to clear our schedules for it, okay?” her blonde hair scratched at his chin as she nodded. isak knew it was a big promise, committing to a vacation with his boyfriend’s parents, but that seemed to be the least they could do since they bought them a bed. aside from the literal comfort they were providing, it felt like a grander statement since the gift would serve both of them. isak felt like it was his birthday too.

when even and his father separated, jan peeled off the bow and stuck it to even’s chest. they shared a low chuckle, and then jan slid the box back to the bedroom where it had been hiding. “you know, if we have a van, it will be a lot easier to transport this up there!” he sang as he left. isak let go of sigrid and spun into even’s arms. she plucked a napkin off the table to wipe at her tears while isak was crushed into a hug with the bow.

“we’ll keep the little mattresses, of course. you never know when elias and mutta and mikael want to come for a visit too. but yes, this will be a nicer frame for you both.”

“it’s such a thoughtful gift, mamma. thank you so much.”

“you know…i thought of it as soon as you came back from your first trip, when you brought back the clean sheets and blanket. it might’ve been presumptuous but if…if isak was having a nice time then i thought he might want to come back, and then i wanted it to be ready, and you two could have your own space.”

isak laughed as he pulled out of even’s hug. he kept to his side though, and wrapped an arm around even’s waist. “you were very right to presume. though i suspect i would’ve had a wonderful time even if i had to sleep on the floor.”

sigrid looked horrified when he suggested such a crime, but that just made even laugh. jan reappeared. “oh i forgot to bring these out.” he was carrying a colorful quilt and coordinating linens, also with a blue bow on top. even let go of isak to accept them, and both boys admired the pattern.

“pappa helped me pick those out. they were on sale after christmas. oh, and if you bring them back to the city to wash, you could just use them on your regular bed too. everything fits.” sigrid returned to her pleased homemaker attitude, with any remaining tears in her eyes only there out of pride. she’d surprised her son with a useful and enjoyable gift, that doubled as a reason for him to visit her at the cabin. it was a very successful birthday dinner.

―――

they enjoyed a little bit of champagne in the living room before they left, relaxing on the couches and catching up on the skiing gossip from sigrid and jan’s most recent trip. isak disclosed that he hasn’t skied since he was very young, which sent even giggling, picturing his boyfriend flying down the slopes. “this might be even better than my skateboarding fantasy.” luckily neither sigrid nor jan inquired further into what that fantasy actually was.

when isak noticed the time was getting close to seven he made the gentle suggestion to head home. sigrid and jan were happy to let them go, having enjoyed the whole bottle together and noting their earlier bedtime now that they were getting older. but she also demanded photos once they were standing, so isak took a few pictures of even with his parents and then jan took a few of isak and even alone. they had to brainstorm a way to take a picture of all four of them together, but then sigrid cleared a small space on the fireplace mantle to rest a phone. Even set the timer, they lined up with the boys in the middle, and they wrapped their arms around each other. they smiled.

after another round of hugs and kisses they bundled up and went home. isak carried the new linens in an oversized shopping tote over his shoulder. “that went well, yes?” isak looked over to see even nodding into his scarf. he pressed the button for their stop.

“it was really lovely. i had to, like, constantly remind my brain to not interpret what she was saying negatively, but that’s…what i’m supposed to be doing.” they stepped off the bus carefully, navigating the packed snow on the sidewalk. “maybe after a few more visits it will be less of a conscious effort. but even as it was, i enjoyed myself. i liked seeing you with my parents.”

“speaking of me with your parents, i kind of promised sigrid we would go on a family vacation with her to ålesund.”

isak could barely hear the chuckle underneath the scarf but it was there. “i think that was a given. that was the whole point of the bed. it was quite clever on mamma’s part.”

“mm,” isak agreed. “so we’ll have to start looking at our schedules. and now we have the weekend farmer’s market to take into account.”

even’s laugh was louder and drew his mouth up above the warm wool. “he really has leaned into his gardening in the last year, jesus. if you had asked me five years ago what hobby i thought my dad would pick up next, i never would’ve thought ‘fruits and vegetables.’”

“forget hobbies; he’s halfway to his own business.”

they approached their building. isak had his own key now, and he unlocked the first door for them.

“what are you thinking about?”

isak was thinking about the surprise that was waiting for them upstairs, feeling nervous that he didn’t have any texts with updates, even though he didn’t ask for any. but he quickly thought up a work excuse that would explain his distance. “um, how maybe someone from jakob’s team might be interested in profiling jan. has there been a surge of home gardens lately? what’s the process for joining a farmer’s market? how profitable is it to bring produce into the city from a farm versus urban, hyperlocal crops? what resources are there for farmers when it comes to direct-to-consumer sales?” he felt ridiculous spitting out these ideas because they were rushing out without a filter yet they sounded somewhat legitimate. he really should be putting these questions in a voice memo, but even was climbing the stairs in front of him and that was…well that took priority.

the bag of linens landed with a light thump on top of isak’s pile of shoes. they removed their outerwear slowly as they climbed, hanging everything back up. isak listened for noises but didn’t hear anything over the shuffle of their own clothes. there wasn’t any light coming through under the door. and even—even was still undressing. isak reached up and tugged at his belt. “what are you doing?” he hissed. even threw his sweater and undershirt over his shoulder, and they skimmed isak’s head as they fluttered down the steps.

“getting naked. wanna help?” even was still climbing and his hands were at his belt buckle.

“even, no!” isak was torn between holding his boyfriend back and trying to reach for his shirt, while also not pulling them both down the stairs.

“what…what’s going on? you love when i get naked.”

isak blushed, praying whoever was on the other side of the door was far enough away to not hear them. maybe they were hanging out in the living room. even undid his belt but he did stop climbing to look at isak.

“do you want me to blow you down there?” he pointed down to the graffiti door and isak was going to melt from the flames burning his neck.

“shut up, no, just….” he stumbled down the steps to fetch the sweater and chucked it back up at even. “put this back on. we can’t be naked.”

“why not?” even was seriously confused but he did as isak asked. “we always get naked.”

isak pinched the bridge of his nose. “not tonight, okay babe?”

even dropped his sweater and his jaw. “is this…is this the first time you’re saying ‘no’ to a fuck?”

“even! i’m not—that’s not what this is. just please put your clothes back on until…until later or something.”

even reached into the pocket of his sagging pants and pulled out his phone. “i need to document this. for the record.” he snapped a photo of isak staring up at him with an annoyed look on his face. “this was the first time isak denied me.” even snorted. “it looks like you’re about to give me a very angry blowjob though.” he showed isak the photo.

if he weren’t so frustrated by the situation, isak would’ve laughed. that’s exactly what the photo looked like with that angle. unfortunately isak’s face just made even want to persuade him even more, so even tucked his phone under his chin and promptly shoved his pants down to his ankles. he was wearing bright red boxer briefs and he shook his ass in isak’s face. then, before isak could get a grip on his body, sexual or otherwise, even waddled up the few remaining steps and reached for the door. isak screamed, “NO!” at the same time as their kitchen, full of friends and coworkers, screamed “SURPRISE!” at a nearly naked even.

maja screamed, marius howled, and mikael took approximately 50 photos, the flash of his phone camera lighting up the kitchen like a red carpet. isak was so embarrassed he sank down behind even’s legs. even laughed and made no move to get dressed.

“pull up your motherfucking pants even! i came here for your birthday, not a peep show.” kari anne's booming voice had a hint of a laugh in it.

it did not occur to isak until just then that all of their friends were not just seeing even in his underwear—they were seeing even’s boner in his underwear. so despite isak’s desire to melt into a puddle right there on the steps, he now felt enough possessiveness to lunge forward and pull up even’s pants from behind. it was a challenge to dress someone blind, especially when that someone was a giggly, wriggly mess. isak got a flash of the kind of future where he was getting a toddler dressed, but he had no time for that future right then. he got even’s jeans up to his butt and then he had to forcibly turn his boyfriend around in order to navigate his bulge.

“looks like dinner with the parents went well, then!” elias shouted out, making everyone laugh again and isak’s cheeks turn an impossible red.

“oh, babe.” even finally noticed isak’s general struggle. he took over with his pants and hefted them up to his waist. “i’m sorry. i should have listened to you. but this was amazing and hilarious. are you okay?” he buttoned his jeans and cupped isak’s jaw.

isak was still too flustered to say anything. his eyes darted from even’s face to the gleeful faces behind him, checking to see who was still laughing. “come on, bedroom.” even started walking isak backward toward the privacy of their bedroom. “five minutes!” he announced to everyone else.

“i thought you only needed two!” someone else shouted back.

―――

the laughter and voices faded as soon as the door closed. isak spun around and flopped himself on the bed face first. “surprise,” he mumbled. even collapsed on top of him, blanketing him with rough denim and warm skin.

“this was the best surprise ever. i’m sorry i embarrassed you with my penis.” even added a little thrust as if that would convey sincerity. the heat that flushed isak’s cheeks now was a slightly different kind. even nuzzled his face against isak’s cheek and gave him a few kisses. “i’ll get dressed and we can hang out with my favorite people.”

even pushed up and went to the closet. he swapped out his jeans for grey sweatpants and put on a white t-shirt. isak kept his jeans but opted for a clean white t-shirt too. even swept isak into a hug before they went through the door. “i love you in general and i love you for this. thank you for such a nice gift, and the perfect way to relax after the family dinner.” he squeezed across isak’s back and then shifted his head in for a kiss. isak demanded tongue as part of even’s apology and he got it, a nice open, wet kiss that tasted like champagne. even grunted when they parted. “um, yes. friends first, but then we’re definitely revisiting the naked thing.”

isak agreed with an aggressive grip on even’s ass. even kissed his way out of it and wiggled toward the door.

the kitchen roared with another greeting when they appeared, birthday wishes thrown from every direction. even opened his arms and accepted all of them with a wide smile. “thank you all for coming. this is such a fun surprise, and i clearly had no idea.”

“it was a fun surprise for us as well,” kari anne smirked.

“since we’re all here and there is a grotesque amount of alcohol behind mutta, have we agreed to absolutely ruin our sunday night?” another cheer went up. isak moved around even to get to the counter by mutta.

as requested, everyone bought the alcohol isak had assigned them and paid for. he couldn’t bring much into the apartment on his own without raising suspicion, so he spread out the drinks, food, and decorations among their friends. maja and marius picked up a cake from a bakery on their side of town. mutta and kari anne brought most of the alcohol. sana and yousef brought food from mamma bakkoush, enough to last them at least a week. elias and mikael were on decorations & entertainment duty. their friends had started drinking, as was to be expected when you’re trapped in an apartment for a couple of hours. since everyone had helped themselves to the juice and ice in the fridge, isak didn’t bother with setting anything else up. he searched for sana in the small crowd, who was chatting with mikael by the entrance to the hallway. when he caught her eye he nodded a question and she held up a full glass in response. with her taken care of he mixed up a dark & stormy for even.

“here you go, babe.” he only interrupted even’s conversation with marius and maja to put the cup in his hand. then he went back to the counter to assess the food. yousef joined him to point out the options.

“all of even’s favorites. mamma didn’t leave the kitchen all morning. this…this tray is okay. these two should be reheated a bit.”

“okay, thanks.” isak reached over to start the oven.

“and this we actually eat cold sometimes, so it would be fine as is.”

they figured out the food and then isak moved on to the living room. everyone was still in the kitchen, so isak got to see the decoration efforts as intended. streamers looped colorfully from even’s shelves, carefully taped as to not disturb his toys. balloons hovered at the ceiling, their strings becoming vines that dusted isak’s shoulders. on the coffee table was a pile of markers and a large brown envelope. he went right to the envelope to see what was inside. “yesssss.” isak dumped out the contents and spread them out. he had found ten particularly embarrassing photos, a mix of recent shots from isak and childhood ones from sigrid, that he’d ordered temporary tattoos of. he had a good feeling that this group was going to get very creative with the placement. in the very least he knew exactly where he wanted a tattoo of even on his own body. he practically skipped back out to the kitchen to get water and a sponge.

everyone had started eating, so isak joined the queue for a little bit of the bakkoush cuisine. no matter how full they were, isak and even would always make room for mamma’s food. isak refreshed even’s drink and then led some people into the living room to eat, for more seating. even stayed in the kitchen at the table with sana, yousef, and kari anne.

maja screamed again when she saw the tattoos. she and marius abandoned their food immediately and took the sponge to the bathroom. three minutes later marius returned with at least four evens plastered across his face. then he dared mikael to do even more. after that, it was chaos.

elias tried to tie a balloon to the back of sana’s hijab. kari anne was the first one to get a tattoo of even on her ass cheek. mutta and mikael started doing shots, and marius and maja were caught making out in the stairwell when it was time to break open the markers on the door. their defense was that maja could stand on one step above marius and they would be a closer height for kissing.

“like my apartment is the only place with steps, get the fuck out.” isak shoved marius against the door. but that’s exactly where everyone stayed. they all shared the markers and wrote silly birthday messages to even on the door, reading old ones and laughing, and recording new jokes that they now all shared. the graffiti door was due for an update and everyone got a chance to leave their mark. isak made sure no one wrote over his original “shithead,” and he added a couple more questionable names wherever they fit.

unfortunately marius convinced maja to paint her lips with marker ink and kiss the door, but then she was stuck with deep purple lips. sana immediately dragged her up to the bathroom to start exfoliating. isak had to console maja from the doorway. “i’ll get emma to give me some lipsticks that would cover it up if it doesn’t come off.”

“matte,” sana instructed.

isak opened his recording app and noted that: “matte lipsticks from emma for maja.”

“anything from a maroon to a magenta should cover it up.” isak added that. “in the meantime, here, you can use this.” sana pulled a tube of lipstick out of her small crossbody bag and opened a drawer. she plucked an alcohol wipe from where even kept them next to the tweezers and cleaned off the tube and used lipstick. she handed it to maja and maja looked like she was about to cry from the gesture. sana nipped it in the bud with a glare and a single finger held up in maja’s face. “just be glad your friends are so clean.”

isak blushed, assuming sana knew that they had those wipes to clean their toys. but then marius burst into the bathroom, shoving isak aside. “baby, it looks like we just kissed too hard for a little bit. ‘cheer up! a hickey from kenickie is like a hallmark card,’” he quoted in his best american accent. this actually made maja cry so isak excused himself and went to get more alcohol.

eventually yousef was tasked with getting mutta and mikael home. marius gave maja a piggy back ride down four flights of stairs and across the city. they found kari anne had removed her pants and crawled into their bed, so they left her there. sana, even, and elias collapsed onto the couch and giggled their way through a nonsense conversation the way siblings do. isak put the food away, got water for them all, and then joined them on the floor with his giant pillows. even found grease on the tv and they watched and sang along with the few bits they knew. then isak fell asleep, his fingers wrapped lightly around even’s ankle and his head resting against even’s knee.

#magic eight ball #SO SORRY if the cut doesn't work #skam fic #kerrywrites #i swear to god i AM writing it's just taking me forever #and this could've been a lot longer but i'm not going to test tumblr's patience with that

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canyouhearthelight · 4 years ago

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The Miys, Ch. 138

It’s timmmmme y’alllll.... Food Festival, whaaaat!?

Okay, I know.... I love to cook, and there is a lot of food in this story. But I really do believe in Sophia’s philosophy - It’s the universal unifier. There would seriously be so much more world peace if world leaders regularly ate dinner together.

I solemnly promise to try to keep food out of the next 4 chapters after the Food Festival. Promise. (Unless y’all tell me via PM, Ask, Comment, or Reblog to do otherwise. And I would need a slightly more than 50% ratio of requests compared to likes. Just to be fair).

The morning of the opening ceremonies for the Food Festival, my nerves were cranked even higher than the days leading up. Since I was insisting on attending all three days - which were expected to be crowded - I had bribed Antoine with his favorite breakfast to disable my proximity alerts. As much as I hated doing it, I knew it would be too distracting to be in a crowd and have it constantly going off.

What this meant was, an hour into the Festival, I had already strained something in my neck by snapping my head around trying to keep my eye on all several-thousand people at the same time. Conor grabbed my shoulders and tried to steer me toward a vendor while using his broad shoulders and height to block anyone behind me. My anxiety level instantly dropped noticeably, and I was actually able to enjoy the miniature kebabs from the vendor. Conor had to take his hands of my shoulders to take his, but I noticed that he made a point to keep himself between me and any passerby who seemed to not be paying attention. We made it to one of the seating areas, and he managed to hold the curtain back, making me giggle embarrassingly.

“I just realized that we did everything backwards,” Conor said nonchalantly, stripping his skewer in one bite but at least covering his mouth while he chewed.

My immediate thought was that he meant the Festival somehow, but I had known and lived with Conor for far too long to assume. Even after this long, he was still capable of shocking me with how his mind worked. “What did we do backwards?”

He gestured between us. “This. Us.”

I thought about it. “I don’t think so? We were friends first.”

“Yeah, we were arse backward,” he laughed. “The only thing we did right was being friends first. But then we went through a crisis where you met our future boyfriend - before we were together, mind - and I almost lost you. Then I moved in, then Mav moved in. We all got sick, someone else wanted to kill you, then we went on our first date….”

My head dropped back as I erupted in laughter. “Okay, okay! You win! We did everything ass backward!” I finally took a bite of my food while he winked at me and snuck a sip of my drink.

“I forgot the part about meeting your family before we were even together. That was still a thing, right? Meeting the family?”

Still laughing, I shrugged. “I made a point after I turned seventeen not to date anyone who didn’t get along with Tyche.” I could see math in his head and preempted the next question. “Yes, that means I trusted my twelve year old sister’s judgement, even when we weren’t talking.”

“Clearly, I am her favorite,” he grinned.

“She couldn’t decide between you and Maverick, so I had to go with both.”

Grabbing my hand, he pulled me from my seat as I bit the last piece of kebab off the skewer. “I concede in the face of her superior taste.”

“So should we all,” I grinned as he pulled me out into the crowd.

This time, with a somewhat established way of navigating the crowd, I was able to pretend I was a normal person in a crowd, dragging her boyfriend from place to place. Randomly, we would see people we know, stop, chat for a second, and keep going. A part of me kept wanting to look for Maverick, but I reminded myself each time that he was at home, asleep so that he could work the later shift today. We did manage to find Charly and Coffey, the former of which tossed me a wink as she brushed her fingers casually over the collar she wore - she made a point to wear it each year as a reminder of the first time we met.

This time, however, I was resisting the urge to squirm away, but knew that with Coffey and Conor bracketing us, Charly had a captive audience.

“So… kink night is next month at the Undine! You’re going to be there, right?”

“Charly, I’m not… I’m not an exhibitionist, and the guys will be at work…”

A large hand flew up to cover Coffey’s laugh before he could turn his head to hide it. Charly scrunched her face at him before turning back to me and rolling her eyes in his direction. “I never expected you to participate, silly. You’re there as kind of an official approval from the Council.”

That launched my eyebrows into my hairline. “Do you need official approval?”

“Not really,” Coffey intoned. “It’s more preventive - if we start with approval from the local government, in a non-participatory way, there can’t be any backlash later.”

I heard a snort over my shoulder before Conor spoke up. “So, she’s just…. Going to sit there?”

“There is a zero percent chance that she’ll get bored, and I’m positive that Sebastian will need some help.”

I raised my voice to be heard over the muffled laughter over our heads. “I love you, but I’m a terrible waitress - “

“And a phenomenal cook! We’ll need lots of snacks.”

I shook my head and blinked hard. “Won’t you be…. Busy?”

“Not the whole time, no,” she answered, thankfully one-hundred percent serious. “And we’ll be burning a lot of energy. Water, electrolytes, sugar, and just… calories are super important. In finger food form.”

Now we were on profoundly familiar ground. “Oh I can do some finger foods.”

“Yeah… finger foods and non-alcoholic beverages are not Sebastian’s strong suit. Lots of food and sanitizing space are where he is incredibly talented.”

“If you can get Arthur to show up, I’ll be there,” I surrendered.

To my alarm, she started squealing and bouncing. “Oh, awesome! I’ll send you the event reminder, and then make sure to have Sebastian send you his schedule for set up and planning… and he needs to include you in the menu planning, I need to make sure to tell him that - “

“Poppy. One event at time, remember?” Coffey reminded her gently, a thousand-watt smile dominating his face.

She looked around and seemed to just remember that she was standing in the middle of the Food Festival and, theoretically, working. “Oh. Right. ‘Kay, so, Sophia, I’m sorry, but apparently I’m busy. I’ll talk to you tomor - ” Coffey folded himself to whisper in her ear “ - Ursday? Thursday?”

My chest hurt with the amount of laughter I was trying to push down, but I allowed a snort and a grin. “Thursday sounds great. Our place, potato soup?”

“HELL yes!” was the enthusiastic reply before she waggled her fingers and dragged Coffey on to their next station.

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#the miys #found family #humans are weird #science fiction #aliens #apocalypse #humans are space orcs #humans are space fae #earth is space australia #post apocalypse #post post apocalypse #original science fiction #original sci fi #original writing #tw: food #tw: kink mention

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skyguy-snips · 3 years ago

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Chapter 3: In the Mess, Pt I

Book 1: Aftermath

Words: 865

Masterlist | Tag List Request

Chapter 2 | Chapter 4

“Come, Omega. There is work to do,” Nala Se said, guiding the kid around the corner towards the medical wing. Omega turned her head, waving at them before she was out of sight.

“This day keeps getting weirder and weirder,” Hunter said, the rest of them nodding in agreement.

They headed to the mess, standing in line to wait for their food. A few of the shinies gave Skylar an odd look, especially seeing a civvie in full armor, but most of the clones were used to seeing her with the boys.

She had become a staple in their squad, taking on more roles than just a strategist. She knew extensive first aid, and she had trained heavily in combat and marksmanship during her time with the 501st. She had become an integral part of the team.

The boys all got their food, walking off to an empty table while Skylar filled her tray. She heard the clones around her talking about an imperial officer arriving, and how they would be evaluating the clones. She hurried to the table, and as she approached, she caught the tail end of Wrecker yelling about blowing things up. Squeezing in between Hunter and Tech, she smiled fondly at the big guy.

“An imperial’s been sent to evaluate the clones. Everybody’s talking about it,” she said, glancing at all of them.

“What kind of evaluation?” Echo questioned. Skylar just shrugged, before Tech replied.

“Hopefully not mental. Clearly we’d never pass that.” Skylar almost choked on her bread, trying not to laugh at their offended faces. She went to comment before she saw someone approaching on the other side of Hunter.

“Hello again,” came the small voice, all of their heads turning to find the young girl from earlier in the hall. She gave them a small smile, waving as she sat down. Skylar shot her a smile, but the boys just started at her.

“Omega,” she said, pointing at herself, “from earlier? In the corridor?” Her smile began to fall, but Hunter quickly replied.

“Yeah kid, we remember,” he said, “don’t you have someplace to be?” Skylar smacked his arm, frowning at him for his rudeness. He just shrugged his shoulders, turning back to his food.

“No. I’ll stay,” she replied, digging into her own meal.

“You want to sit with us?” Tech asked, leaning past Skylar and Hunter to look at the kid, who just nodded.

“That’s never happened before,” Skylar mumbled, flinching when Echo kicked her armoured shin under the table.

“Wow,” Wrecker said, still just staring at the kid.

“I like you,” Omega said, “You don’t fit in around here either.”

“What are you really doing here on Kamino?” Skylar asked, heart breaking a bit for this kid. She was so young, she didn’t need to be anywhere near a war or soldiers.

“Don’t you have a family somewhere? Parents?” Hunter asked, earning him another smack in the arm. Omega just looked at him like he was crazy.

“Parents?”

Before Skylar could interrupt, a voice came from behind them.

“Check it out, the defect squad and their plaything got themselves a new recruit,” said one of the regs. Skylar felt the others tense at their insinuation about her, but she just rolled her eyes. “Another member added to the Sad Batch.”

Skylar had been with the boys for long enough and heard the petty name calling, none of it ever really bothering them. However, none of the boys liked when the other clones targeted her specifically. She could practically feel the anger radiating from them.

Suddenly, their laughs were cut off when a clump of food smacked one of them in the back of the head. Skylar whipped around to see the clone with food dripping from his armor, her eyes wide and her hand over her mouth to stifle the laugh bubbling in her chest.

“Who threw that?” the clone growled, eyes landing on Omega as she stood on the bench.

“I did, now apologize to my friends,” she demanded, glaring at the soldier.

“I like this kid,” Wrecker said, hitting Echo’s chest. Skylar smirked, turning back to the scene unfolding. This kid definitely had guts.

“What did you say to me?” the reg said, prowling closer to Omega. Hunter jumped up, getting in front of the other clone, trying to diffuse the situation. Skylar stood too, trying to help create a barrier, stepping in front of Hunter.

“Woah woah woah, back off. I suggest you keep moving,” she said, not backing down when he gave her an unimpressed glare. She heard the bench move behind her, glancing over her shoulder to see Wrecker standing to his full height, daring him to lay his hands on her.

“Know your place, you worthless civvie,” the reg spat, turning to leave. Skylar had had enough of their osik, turning with her hand out, silently requesting the tray that sat on the table. Omega handed it to her, and Skylar turned back around, launching it at the back of the clone’s head with zero hesitation.

He stumbled forward, soup dripping into his armor and onto the floor. The mess went silent. She turned to look over her shoulder again, her squad staring at her in shock. Omega had a smile on her face, handing her another tray. Skylar turned back around, only to be greeted with the sight of a very angry trooper.

“Oops,” she said, a smirk on her face as she held the tray higher.

#the bad batch x reader #the bad batch x oc #tbb x reader #oc x canon #clone force 99 #the bad batch #tech bad batch #clone trooper echo #hunter bad batch #wrecker bad batch #echo bad batch #crosshair bad batch #omega bad batch #canon x oc #canon compliant

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shiningdesignersreflections · 3 years ago

Text

Chapter 3 - Sunset Moment

Narrated by Helz.

~Content Warning: workplace abuse, eating disorders, extreme thinness~

Narrator: Goya was preparing methodically for the new product launch next season.

Narrator: Instead of replacing the previous model, Mr. Doge chose alternatives from time to time. Anyone could be picked.

Narrator: Because Mr. Doge wanted models who were bony enough, models all over the city went on a diet for him.

Narrator: For them, a launch of Goya’s new products was enough to give them a firm place in the fashion world.

Narrator: At the time, this had become big news in the fashion world and the after-dinner talk of wealthy ladies.

Narrator: Of course, the dieting models included the girl who knocked away the coffee.

Narrator: Every time we needed models to try on a new look, I contacted modeling agencies, picked up the models, and sent them back.

Narrator: In the process, she and I gradually got to know each other.

Narrator: I knew her name was Serena. She also apologized for what she did the other day.

Narrator: Each time I saw her, I could feel she had lost so much weight.

Narrator: Looking at her slender limbs and protruding collarbone, I was worried she would fall apart.

Helz: Is it really okay to be so skinny like that?

Narrator: Whenever I mentioned it, Serena forced a smile.

Serena: It’s alright. When the launch is over, I’ll definitely gain some weight!

Serena: I’ll go back to my hometown in Pigeon. My mother will certainly feed me.

Serena: You have no idea how good her cooking is. Braised goose, pancakes, fish soup as white as milk...

Serena: Ah, I want to eat them already...

Narrator: Every time she talked about her hometown, Serena’s eyes sparkled.

Narrator: I thought she was more beautiful that way than wearing Mr. Doge’s clothes.

Serena: When I get home, I’ll wear my fluffy dresses and go dancing every day! There are many dresses in my wardrobe.

Serena: Although everyone thinks Pigeon style is out-of-date, I still like it very much. Maybe I have no taste.

Serena: You can’t tell Mr. Doge.

Narrator: I remembered Mr. Doge’s brows furrowing when he tried to portray loneliness in his designs.

Narrator: They showed the separation between the nature of loneliness and sociality with a rough texture and strange tailoring...

Narrator: Maybe I have no taste either.

Choose either “A fluffy gown is prettier” or “Mr. Doge’s design is better.”

If “fluffy,” ...

You: I think fluffy dresses are very beautiful.

Narrator: I also think they suit Serena better. But Mr. Doge would never like it.

If “Doge,” ...

You: I prefer Mr. Doge’s design.

Narrator: That means you know fashion. Maybe I was born without that kind of sense.

Narrator: On the last day of finalizing all the looks for the launch, Mr. Doge finally decided on the model.

Narrator: When I went to the model agency to tell Serena, she was fantasizing about the wine in her hometown while drinking water.

Serena: Really! You sure?

Narrator: She shook my shoulder hard. God knows how such thin arms could still have so much strength.

Serena: I’m so happy, Helz!

Narrator: She looked at me with sparkling eyes. They were so big because she was so skinny.

Narrator: On my way home, Serena kept talking about her expectations for the launch.

Serena: So many days of hard work have not been in vain.

Serena: At the launch, I’ll definitely keep all the spotlights and eyes on me.

Narrator: I might become a supermodel!

Serena: This has always been my dream!

Serena: What about you, Helz? You’ll be a designer for Goya, right?

Helz: ...I don’t think I’ll stay, but I left you a present.

Serena: Why not?

Narrator: This emaciated girl looked very surprised.

Helz: Serena, I have a question for you.

Serena: I’m asking you. You shouldn’t ask me questions. Alright, go ahead. But after I answer, you have to answer me as well.

Helz: What makes you happy? The clothes or the dazzling stage?

Narrator: I didn’t hear Serena’s answer, only a sudden thud behind me.

Narrator: When I turned my head, Serena had collapsed.

Narrator: She was still laughing and talking to me about her brightest moment on the stage a second ago.

Narrator: I took her to the hospital.

Narrator: The doctor said that because of long-term dieting and excessive exercise, she was overexerting herself. She only seemed strong.

Narrator: Serena was too excited today so her hypoglycemia took its toll.

Doctor: She must get rest and slowly get back to being in good health.

Helz: Ok, I see. Thank you.

Doctor: Let’s use two bottles of glucose today.

Serena: Glucose... Huh? No, I can’t take glucose!

Narrator: Hearing the doctor’s words, Serena, on the hospital bed, tried to get up and pull out the IV catheter.

Narrator: I made her lie down.

Helz: What do you want to do?

Serena: If I take it, I’ll gain weight... If I gain weight, I won’t be able to go to the launch!

Serena: All my efforts would have been for nothing.

Narrator: Serena’s voice was shaking and perhaps she had predicted the end.

Helz: I told the studio about you, and they said... you should rest.

Narrator: Serena no longer had the strength to cry and could only sob.

Narrator: A shining light was replaced with despair, and tears poured out slowly from her sunken eyes.

Serena: You don’t understand. You don’t...

Serena: This is the most important opportunity of my life...! The closest I came to my dream...

Serena: And it’s gone... I missed it.

Narrator: Instead of looking at me, she stared out the window. It was dusk, and the setting sun drenched the sky of Lodden.

Narrator: I didn’t say anything. I just stayed with her.

Narrator: The cell phone suddenly rang. It was Mr. Doge.

Narrator: I hung up.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 4

#helz #shining nikki #morning breeze #chapter 3 #transcript #sunset moment #trigger warning #content warning #eating disorders #physical health #design company #workplace harassment #workplace abuse #hospital #pigeon #pigeon kingdom #serena

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prose-for-hire · 4 years ago

Text

UC Sunnyhell: Part Two

Hell is a place on Earth

Previous Part // Next Part

Pairing: Spike x reader

Request: College AU where Spike is the campus bad boy who secretly is a softie that writes poems and reader is the new transfer who just moved into Spike's apartment since it was the only available room on campus (no one wants to willingly live with Spike). Spike constantly having one night stands over, reader always trying to study. Things appear to go from bad to worse.

Originally requested by: @sunflower-stan

Other tag: @fictionalhoomanofnowhere

Warning: Sex references. Swearing.

The first semester had been and gone by this point. You were settling into life at UC Sunnydale, found your friendship group in Buffy and the others. But one thing you still weren’t accustomed to, was living with Spike. He was hard to get along with at the best of times but living with him was a whole different thing.

He appeared to stay up most of the night and sleep well into the afternoon. He played loud punk music almost every waking hour and he smoked like a chimney. He never appeared to listen to a word you said and he pretty much did the opposite from whatever you said or thought anyway.

It was becoming really hard to live with him. Especially when he seemed to do everything he could to make you want to move out. He found it easier to live alone. To hide in the depths of what he knew than

Because of your current living situation you had started to branch out and pursue some of your interests. It beat staying in all the time and you really wanted to find someone that you could relate to.

You were a fan of musicals and the theatre. Poetry and literature. You liked reading and the way a writer could weave such intricate feelings. Scenes and spoken word able to explain your own feelings better than you ever could.

Your new friends didn’t really share your enthusiasm – even Willow was more into science and computers. Although your friend group were kind enough to listen to the way you spoke about your interests. They certainly didn’t make you feel bad about expressing your passions. But they just didn’t share your love and so you began to try to search out people that you could connect with. On some kind of deeper level.

You had been frequenting different bars that held open mic nights. Watching plays and listening to monologues. Letting the intricate wordplay wash over you. It could make you feel so many emotions. So many feelings were conjured.

Your favourite were the open mic nights. You pretty much never got up yourself, you usually would just listen. You were working yourself up to performing something of your own. You wrote things too it was just a matter of working on your performing skills. You were thinking of joining the clubs, maybe to improve your confidence in your writing. In your performing.

You walked back home from a play you had watched (and cried at) to find Spike sat there scribbling something. It was the first time you had ever seen him actually writing or appearing to do any work.

You were about to make a snide comment about it and then he noticed your presence. He almost jumped five feet in the air in surprise. He then hid the notebook behind his back and immediately got up to leave now you had returned. He left muttering something about you being a nosy bitch.

Spike had taken the opportunity, while he finally had time where he felt comfortable since you had actually left the house for once to write. This was something he didn’t like people knowing about. He wiped his eye as he stormed away. Hoping to God you hadn’t seen that. He couldn’t bear you knowing him that way. Laughing.

It was Friday evening and you had some friends over. There was a sudden knock at the front door. Spike had taken a baseball bat from his room and held it up as if he was ready to swing it.

Willow and Buffy’s eyes bulged at the object in his hand as they peaked from your bedroom doorway. Buffy was pleased they had convinced you to come to self-defence class now.

He walked slowly to the door, meeting you in the hallway skipping happily past him. He grabbed you back looking at you as if you were mad. He was expecting debt collectors. Again.

“Spike, it’s the pizza guy” You moved your shoulder from him before carrying on back to the door with the dollars in your hand, “What is wrong with you?” you muttered.

He scowled, jaw tensing as Buffy and Willow giggled at the way he had been so tense and he stormed away smacking the edge of the bat against the wall in his frustration. Leaving a small hole there.

You brought the pizzas back into your room (so you didn’t have to face spike again) and shared them out with your friends.

After you finished your meal and managed to calm yourselves down from whatever had just happened, talk of course turned back to Spike.

“So how is it… y’know…” Willow asked before mouthing “with Spike”. You hadn’t realised how much built up rage you had inside until you launched into your conversation.

“Well, I can tell you that Hell really is a place on Earth”

“That bad?”

“I can’t believe I’m stuck with him – if I even breath in his direction he has a problem with it!”

“Yeah, he’s always been a complete pig. Some people are just born evil” Buffy shrugged.

“Buffy! He’s not evil! He’s just… mean spirited”

“In the most evil way” Buffy added. She had never liked Spike. He was cruel and treated her as if she was dumb just because she was in a sorority and enjoyed cheerleading.

What you and the two girls didn’t realise, was that Spike was eavesdropping. You had all been laughing really loud and he was about to take his chance to kick Buffy and her little loser friend out. Until he found he was interested to hear what you all had to say about him.

You groaned, thinking about the way things had been. You needed to vent. So, you took the chance while you were in the company of your now closest friends.

“He’s inconsiderate and rude and also I’m pretty sure he never washes his clothes... but he always smells good. Weird”

“Totally weird”

“Well, we did like, warn you”

“And oh my God! He walks around naked all the time! There’s always some stranger he’s brought home and they are always so loud! He never studies and the plates are always piled high in the kitchen! It’s disgusting – he’s disgusting!”

“He’s always been so arrogant and gross”

“Hey, don’t wig, next year we can find a place. The four of us – right Buffy?” Willow offered, including her girlfriend. She comforted you as you caught your breath from your outburst. Willow rested her hand on your shoulder to reassure you.

“Really?” You asked with a smile as Buffy nodded. She was going to move out from her sorority so she wasn’t distracted for her last year she had already decided.

“Don’t worry, y/n. We’ll keep you sane” Buffy insisted.

Spike scoffed. The way Buffy acted as if she was saving you from him. As if he was a fate worse than death. You angered him. The way you had determined his character over a few fleeting conversations. The gossip your silly little friends told you.

You became enemy number one. Even more so than you had been before. He hated gossip and the way people would laugh behind his back. You reminded him of this every time he looked at you now, not that you knew this.

The annoyance for the other just kept growing. Yours had originally been fuelled by your friends rumours, but his actions were now getting worse. Spike was seething at your dismissive tone against your character. He didn’t even want a roommate, he only agreed the landlord to put the room up so he didn’t put up the rent again.

So he decided to try and make you leave. Properly this time. He didn’t care anymore, you reminded him of everyone out there. Everyone that he hid himself away from. Distanced himself from.

The tension rose uncomfortably. He was more rude. More gross. And he made sure to do everything he knew that he could to annoy you. It was petty, he knew it, but he knew it would get a rise out of you.

One afternoon, you had been scraping off some congealed red liquid that you had been concerned was blood. He hung out with a weird crowd, you only hoped some poor thing hadn’t been exploded in there. Although, upon further inspection it appeared to be tomato soup. But you would probably embellish the story a little to your friends.

You washed your hands and scowled at him. He had moved to lean against the doorway and just watch you clean.

“God, Spike, you’re so lazy”

“’Scuse me?”

“You don’t clean, you don’t study – what exactly do you do with your life?”

He was affronted by this. By the way you spoke to him. How he felt like you acted like you were better than him. In your frustration you didn’t care what he thought. He just didn’t care. You were trying to live your life.

He could hear Buffy or even Angel’s voice through your own. The way they had always berated him.

“And what? I should be like you? You’re not exactly making a proper go of it are you? Haven’t seen you do much of anything ‘cept follow them brainless bints around the shop. When you’re not doing that you sit in your room as life passes you by, livin’ through your little Musical shows rather than living in the real world - You’re boring. You’ll live your pathetic little life, stuck in your lame little ways until you die”

“Spike-”

“You’re all the same! You and your preppy little band of misfits looking down your noses at everyone and yet you can’t see the obvious, can you? You’re so bored with your pathetic, frigid little lives that you have to make it my bloody problem!”

You decided, seeing as that’s how he viewed you that you would treat him exactly like that. Like he treated you. Things got worse.

He started to invite people over all the time. You would call it a party but there was nothing celebratory about it. You were confined to your room most of the time as they all laughed and screamed along to their music. They were always drinking and playing music no matter what time of the day you saw them.

You usually avoided them, locking your door, but you had needed to slip out of your room for a moment.

“Who’s this?” One of the guests pointed you out as you tried to make it to the bathroom without anybody noticing you. Now everyone’s eyes were on you.

“Oh don’t mind them, they’re just for show hasn’t had an original thought their entire life” Spike shrugged.

“Aw, no, Spike. Another mindless automaton” One of his friends spoke up and he laughed. It was a cold laugh, there was no humour in it.

“Do you, like, want to-”

“Don’t, love. They’re nobody” Spike stopped the blonde girl from speaking to you more kindly than the rest. They all laughed at this and began to tease you.

You left, slamming the door and you heard them laughing, jeering at you for your reaction. It made tears sting the back of your eyes. You collected yourself, shrugging on your jacket. You walked to a place you knew you would be welcome.

You knew that you weren’t going to get on. But this was getting out of hand. You hated him. Hated the way he treated you. The way he judged you, despite him knowing exactly how that feels.

As you thought this, he appeared to be thinking the same thing. Which made Spike scoff and frown. Was he really better than any of the people he hated? He shook that thought away. Downing his beer and looking for another rather than reflect.

You had called Buffy on your way over and she had been quick to contact the entire group to tell them there had been a major incident. Everyone piled around to her dorm room so that they could support you. You had sounded upset on the phone.

You explained everything that had happened and they all comforted you the best that they could. Xander then showed you the stack of films he had brought to try to cheer you up. He had even found some Musicals just for you.

Buffy explained that she had called Angel but he says he’s sorry but he’s busy right now. Buffy appeared disappointed and when you asked her about it she explained. They used to date when they were seniors in college but they had broken up despite still both having feelings for each other.

She explained it had seemed the right thing to do at the time, but now she wished they were back together. You insisted that you would make it your mission to help them get back together which made Buffy grin at you. She really did value your friendship.

As the night wore on your friends began to discuss the idea of you taking your revenge on Spike. It had made you laugh as they suggested ridiculous pranks and ideas that wouldn’t bother him at all. But then they began to take it more seriously. Insisting that you should get even.

You said you weren’t sure. And left it at that. But they thought you had better do something or he wouldn’t stop.

You eventually went back to a trashed house after staying for the weekend with Buffy. You stared at the mess. Maybe you would have to do something.

It had been unusually quiet the few days prior and you should have known better than to hope he had stopped. You had heard a girl, one of Spike’s partners that came around more than most (Harmony but her sex noises were nothing close to harmonious). She explained that if they were to have a threesome it would have to be boy-boy-girl. Apparently, neither of them had been able to swing Charlize Theron.

You had overheard this conversation over breakfast one morning on. A rare occasion they were both awake (they hadn’t gone to sleep yet). You had immediately spat out your food in disgust of their blunt discussion.

It had been perhaps in slight exaggeration but you felt like you were allowed. You were fine with people having sex and having fun but you really didn’t want to have to hear about it over your breakfast. They could have at least let you rub the sleep from your eyes first.

He had scoffed at you at the time and now he had set this up seemingly just to rub you up the wrong way. As opposed to the right ways he was rubbing his partners.

He tried to push the thought down that this had been solely planned because of you. With you in mind. To get a reaction from you. Because that would start him questioning his intentions. His actions. How you made him so angry it was now near obsessive.

So, it appeared they had finally agreed on the logistics of it. And were now giving you a live audio performance. On some random Thursday afternoon just as you had settled down to study.

You swore they were doing it on purpose. Being as loud as possible just to get a rise out of you.

You pounded on the door. You could smell sex from where you were stood out on the landing. He opened the door and stale cigarette smoke appeared to pour out of the room with him. He had opened the door almost immediately. As if he had been waiting.

“Spike!”

“Problem, pet?”

“I don’t care that you’re having sex, the walls are just so thin – I have an exam coming up can you just be quiet? Or go to one of your, uh, friends’ houses…”

“Mm, someone’s jealous”

“I’m not-”

“Just ‘cause you’re not bloody gettin’ any” He prodded before he thought about it a moment, changing tac, “Oh no. I know what this is… You want me, you need me…” He teased, knowing it would make you flustered.

“I just- I just want to-”

“If you wanted a taste all you had to do was ask” He smirked, moving his hips slightly and moving his head smugly along with his words. Drawing your attention to his naked form. The people in his bed were calling him back and you were just staring at each other. All he was wearing was a single silver chain around his neck. He was attractive, you couldn’t deny this and he knew it too.

You were both furious at each other. Silently trying to gain the upper hand.

“You’re a pig, Spike!” You suddenly screamed, stepping towards him angrily. Which made him smile and just close the door in your face. That was what he had wanted. To get such a big emotional response from you.

You were so angry you threw one of your precious book at his now slammed shut door. He winced at the name you had used, one often used against him by people like Buffy. She even managed to get to him in his own home. You angered him. You angered him.

But he turned back and the noises started up again and you knew for sure that they were doing it on purpose now. It was getting louder and louder. He couldn’t be that fucking good, you were sure of it.

You ran into your room and rummaged through the stack of CDs you had brought with you, selecting the perfect accompaniment. The soundtrack from your favourite musical. You turned the volume up fully and let the entire score play out.

You never wanted to see his stupid smug face again.

#UC sunnyhell #Spike btvs #Spike x reader #Spike imagine #Spike x you #btvs #btvs x reader #btvs imagine #btvs x you #Buffy The Vampire Slayer #buffy the vampire slayer imagines #gender neutral #gn #college au

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last-operator-standing · 4 years ago

Text

Toll of the Bell

Chapter 2 - Tempestuous

> Ao3

> Chapter 1 (tumblr)

> Chapter 3 (tumblr)

Summary: What now? He could roll over and accept the fate thrust upon him and die as Adler intended. Starting a new life away from it all couldn't be that bad either. Or…

Or he could finish the mission.

Rating: Mature

Warnings: None apply this chapter

Words: 3.4k (5.4k total)

A/N: This took me a little longer than I wanted but I have the next few chapters thought out now, so hopefully I'll be able to get them done and shared soon!

It's bright and early when Lazar shuffles in and startles Bell awake. He offers a sheepish smile and holds up the tray in his hand as peace offering. "Thought you might be hungry."

Bell stares down at the tray Lazar sets across his lap. There's a small bowl of noodles in broth and a pack of unopened saltines along with a bottle of water. "You've been out for a while. Figured you should start with something light." A soft jingle fills the silence and draws Bell's attention. There's a gentle pressure at his left wrist and he tries to peer curiously at what Lazar's doing.

"Can't eat without hands, eh?" He playfully waves Bell's now free hand about. Bell can't resist the small smile that makes its way across his face. It falls quickly when he waits expectantly for his other arm to be released only for Lazar to awkwardly avoid his eyes.

"Eat up." The atmosphere turns tense and awkward. "We can, uh… Talk when you're done." It sounds more like a question than a statement. Lazar makes a quick retreat, leaving Bell alone with his bland breakfast.

Bell sits in silence. The meal remains untouched and he stares unblinking into the cooling bowl. His previous anxieties start to resurface, leaving him nervous and uncertain once more. One question in particular forces itself to the front of his mind.

What now?

Lazar wouldn't save him just to turn around and execute him, right? He must want something. More intel? Perhaps he and Park were starting a separate investigation into Perseus.

"I just.. I feel like I owe you, Bell."

Bell heaves a heavy sigh. All this thinking was giving him a headache. He finally relents and reaches his free hand for the saltines, bringing them to his still restrained hand to pull the package open. The plastic is stubborn at first and refuses to part. No amount of tugging or prying can pull the traitorous material apart. Bell is seconds away from gnawing the damn thing off when it finally gives, showering him in crumbs and scattering perfectly good crackers to the floor.

The dramatic groan and loud Russian cursing is well justified, Bell decides. He angrily stuffs a saltine into his mouth and crunches it with a vengeance. The door is abruptly thrown wide, nearly causing him to choke in surprise.

"Bell, are you-"

Lazar pauses to take in the sight of the wide-eyed Bell and his mess of saltines.

"I can explain."

Lazar visibly relaxes and grins. "We thought someone was trying to kill you with all that yelling." From behind his shoulder, Park peers in, calculating eyes scanning the room. They both step inside. Lazar takes a seat on the edge of the bed and snatches a cracker from the open pack. Park remains at the door, leaning against the frame. Bell doesn't miss the way she discreetly holsters her gun.

"So, Bell." It's Park who speaks this time, catching his attention. "What do you remember?" Something about her tone feels familiar. Almost.. unsettling.

"So close to Perseus."

"I, uh.. Well.."

The room is dark. The overhead lamp is the only thing to illuminate the space. Lazar stands nearby. He faces Bell, but his expression is twisted in something akin to discomfort. "The CIA reinvented you, Bell." Adler stands directly beside the gurney he's strapped to, demanding all of Bell's attention. "If you believed you were someone else, we could lead you to a place where you'd give it all up."

"Fuck this," he hears his voice waver with fear. It's the wrong thing to say. "I don't think so." Adler practically launches himself forward and roughly grabs the front of Bell's vest. "One way or another, Bell, we're gonna get it out of you."

"I mean, I remember up to Solovetsky."

The bitter wind feels good against his face. It brings a sense of serenity to Bell's turbulent thoughts despite the tense atmosphere with Adler.

"It was never personal."

Bell chews on his lip as the memories resurface. "And when Adler.. shot me. But nothing new with Perseus." Park's eyes narrow a fraction, further unsettling him. There's something else on his mind that's been bothering him since the first moment he saw Park.

"Ah, well, give it time," Park offers without much conviction. She opens her mouth to speak again but Bell cuts her off.

"I'm sorry," he blurts. The apology seems to catch Park by surprise. "I should have been faster. If only I had been faster, I could have saved you, too…" Park suddenly looks uncomfortable.

"It's alright, Bell. It.. It wasn't your fault."

"How are you..?"

"Alive?" Park's expansion finally softens. "After the skyhook pulled you two off, I knew I only had seconds left before I was dead. I managed to stumble back inside and take cover in an empty room. Luckily, Perseus didn't seem interested in checking if the building was clear."

Bell gets the feeling there's more to her story but he opts not to pry. A silence falls over the three. Lazar keeps picking at the abandoned pack of crackers while Park keeps a steady watchful gaze on Bell. Before Solovetsky, he would have matched her with his own unyielding stare. Back then he had no reason to doubt or fear her. But now he's not so sure.

"So kid, what will you do now?" Bell looks away from Park and over to Lazar. He's sitting casually beside Bell like he's unbothered by the tension but his easy smile doesn't quite reach his sharp eyes. It isn't lost on Bell that his words up to now have all been for show.

They don't trust me.

He shifts uncomfortably, careful not to make a bigger mess of crackers and soup, and clears his throat before he speaks up. "Perseus is still out there," he starts slowly. Park's expression flashes and Bell tries not to flinch. Lazar simply watches and listens closely. "Someone needs to stop him. I want to stop him. He still has the codes to Greenlight, right? All he needs is a new location to activate."

"Why?" Lazar is casual about his question but his eyes tell a different story. He wants to believe what Bell is saying.

"Because it isn't right." It seems so obvious to Bell that he's almost surprised by the question. "This is bigger than me. Millions of lives are at risk. I don't know who I was before, but.. I know who I am now ." Bell does his best to sell it, and to his relief they seem to buy it.

The truth is, the Russian doesn't know what else to do. He can't remember his life before MK-Ultra. Right now, the mission is all he has; stop Perseus. Without that, he has… nothing.

"I just want to stop Perseus before he causes a nuclear war."

And maybe punch those damn shades off Adler's face , but he leaves that part to himself.

Lazar hums thoughtfully and Park starts to relax. They don't seem quite at ease yet, but it's a start.

Over the next few days, Bell heals and collects himself. After their talk, Park eventually gave in to Lazar's pressuring and agreed to allow Bell some freedom. Stretching his legs feels nice and the fresh air certainly helps him collect his thoughts. This safehouse was undoubtedly cleaner than the last, with actual rooms and furniture rather than a dingy warehouse.

"What about Adler?"

Lazar and Bell are sitting peacefully at the kitchen table, Lazar with a bagel and an open file, Bell with a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Lazar looks up at the question. "You sound like you're ready to fight him." The Russian huffs with indignance at his amused tone. "He shot me," he complains loudly. "Just one good punch, Lazar. Please ?"

"You'll have to get in line," Park grunts as she joins them in the kitchen, gravitating towards the coffee machine. "I think we'd all like to give that bastard a good punch."

Lazar grins. "I think you should avoid throwing punches for now, Bell, least he shoots you a second time." Bell pouts. Lazar flicks bagel crumbs at him. "Jokes aside, if you're serious about taking down Perseus, it's probably best if the rest of the team doesn't know you're still alive. For now, anyway. It'll only cause more problems and distractions, not to mention Adler probably wouldn't hesitate to kill you for real."

Bell sighs dramatically. "Alright, alright, fine . But I'm definitely getting a swing in once Perseus is six feet under." He throws his head back and downs the rest of his coffee. "So where do we start?"

Park leans against the counter with her mug of coffee. "Well, if you can remember anything about Perseus or his associates.."

That tone is back again but Bell forces himself to not bristle at it. "I'm sorry. Nothing new has come to kind yet." Park gives a slow nod. "You were our most successful subject. Any old memories will be buried behind weeks of.. reprogramming. Now that the drugs are filtering out of your system, it should only be a matter of time."

"Is there any way to speed it up?" Park squints suspiciously so Bell is quick to add, "Maybe if I can remember something, we'll know where to head next."

An idea pops into Lazar's head. "Bell, do you recognize any of them?" He pulls something from the folder in front of him and slides it across so Bell can see. Park steps closer to watch curiously. "They're POIs we think are working for Perseus."

It's a group of photos. Bell sets aside his mug to spread them out and study them closely. The first three are men, but he doesn't recognize them. The next two are women and he feels discouraged when their images fail to spark any memories, too. There's one last one. He slides it close and is about to push it away when something scratches at the back of his mind.

The pub was lively tonight. Loud and rowdy with cheering, swearing, and the clanking of glass on glass. Bell too embraced the vibes; His spirit was high and he was most certainly past tipsy. He was sitting at the bar with his comrades, a still-full shot glass in hand.

"Aww, c'mon, give us the details!" The man to his left nudged him roughly. He grinned wickedly and despite the sunglasses covering his face, Bell still caught him wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Did he kiss you? Did you kiss him ?" Bell felt his face flush and he shoved back. No way in hell he was going to answer that. "I don't kiss and tell, Vang."

"Bell?"

"Aww, you did !" Bell huffed and threw back his glass as an excuse not to answer. He did his best to ignore how hot his face was. "No, wait. He definitely kissed you, didn't he?" Bell choked on the shot. The man grinned wider.

"Leave the poor kid alone." Another familiar voice called out, not bothering to hide their amusement. "Now get over here so I can beat your ass. Loser pays the tab." Bell turned to look at his savior. Their figure is too blurry to make out, but he's so sure he knows them.

"Oooh bro, you're going down !"

"Bell?" Lazar tries again, shaking his shoulder and startling him from the memory. "You alright there? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I.." The Russian glances between Park and Lazar before he stares back down at the picture. The person's face is completely covered, but the glasses make him unmistakable. Naga.

"Kapano Vang," Bell offers quietly and taps the photograph. "They call him Naga." Lazar watches him a moment longer before pulling the picture back over. "You know him?"

The memory implied Bell more than just knew him. A feeling in his gut tells him so too. They were.. friends, perhaps. "Yeah.. We are- We were friends. I think."

Park remains silent as she observes. Lazar offers a slow nod. A gentle push and the picture lands back in front of Bell. "Do you remember anything else about him?"

Bell stares. The shades are so painfully familiar. He can't quite shake the sense he's seen them a lot. This shit is stressful. I need a cigarette. Something in his mind clicks.

"New shipment's ready." The nicotine filled Bell's lungs with a pleasant burn. He turned and offered the cigarette to Naga with a hum of acknowledgement. "Got a little extra if you're interested. On the house." The Laotian accepted the cigarette, taking a grateful drag while his free hand slipped into a vest pocket and produced a small package. He held it up to between his fingers and offered it to Bell with a small flourish. "Rest of it's headed out to some of my buyers, so don't get hooked."

Bell hesitated. "I'm not so sure.." Naga pressed it into his hands anyway. "Hey, hey, it's quality stuff. How do you think my lines stay in business? Your boyfriend will certainly thank me."

" Not my boyfriend , man." Naga cackles. "Sure, bro, sure."

A shaky sigh escapes Bell. The memories are blurry and incomplete, but there's enough there to put some pieces of the puzzle together. "He's.. a smuggler."

"For Perseus?"

Bell gives a small shrug. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so." Right now, Bell can't be sure about anything.

"I'll make some calls and check with MI6." Park sets her empty mug in the sink. "We have a name now. That's a good start."

Not wasting any time, Bell muses as he watches Park leave. That's fine with him. The less time to dwell on his past transgressions, the less time he'll have to deal with the impending existential crisis.

"Meanwhile, I'll check in on the team." Gathering the papers and photos back into the folder, Lazar stands. "What about me?" Lazar barely even pauses to acknowledge Bell. "Stay put. Read a book. Do a puzzle. Embrace day drinking. Do whatever you want, just stay put ."

"But I-"

" No , Bell. Water's too hot right now. Just lay low, let it cool. You'll get your turn but not yet. Just enjoy being dead while it lasts." Lazar's wink is met by Bell's deadpan face.

By noon, the Russian's already run out of things to do. He's showered, washed the dishes, and cleaned the space lent to him. Now he sits at the table once more, impatient tapping the surface and bouncing his leg. He briefly considers snooping but the last thing he wants to do is give Park a reason to confine him to a bed again.

Time creeps by. Boredom is barely kept at bay by the pen and paper Bell found discarded on the end table beside the couch. The doodles are nothing to write to home about, but it provides temporary amusement. When he gets tired of that, he abandons them at the kitchen table and opts for a nap.

It feels like he's barely just closed his eyes before he's woken by an insistent shaking.

"Bell. Get up. Bell ."

Bell groans. It's dark now so he has to squint to make out the figure kneeling next to him. "Lazar? What, man, I was sleeping ."

"We need to go. Now. C'mon." A hand wraps under Bell's arm and pulls, forcing the Russian to his feet. Lazar's voice was calm, but the firm grip on his arm made Bell nervous. "What's going on?" He has no choice but to allow himself to be guided towards the back door.

"Here, wear this." Something is shoved into his hands and he fumbles to grab it. Looking down, it's a thin black coat. Inside rests a matching beanie hat and vibrant blue scarf. "What's going on," he tries again. "You're kinda freaking me out."

"Look, just put the shit on and I'll explain on the way. There's no time right now."

Lazar snatches the hat and scarf from the pile and Bell flips the coat around to slide his arms in. He grunts when the hat is forced over his blonde curls and the scarf is wrapped high around his neck and face. Once the coat is zipped and all curls tucked messily under the hat, Lazar practically shoves Bell out the back door and follows close behind.

The air is bitter and cold but Bell hardly notices past the adrenaline. A brisk pace is set. Squealing tires catch his attention but an arm around his shoulders stops him from turning to look.

"Park tipped off MI6."

The statement is unexpected.

"She called to warn me. Apparently, she

told them she was harboring a loose CIA asset with potentially valuable information that needed to be relocated immediately for proper interrogation. How they got an extraction team on a Soviet island, I'll never know." Lazar heaves a groan as they turn the corner and dip out of sight. "She's going to kill me once she figures out we ran."

First Adler, now Park. I'm getting tired of proving myself. Bell sighs lightly. For all he knows, Lazar is just leading him to a CIA trap. Who gets the broken toy first, MI6 or the CIA? They walk in silence for some time, occasionally cutting through small alleyways and doubling back around others.

"Why are you helping me?" Bell finally speaks up. "Look, if you're just going to take me back to Adler, do me a favor and kill me now." I refuse to be shot by him a second time.

"Don't be so dramatic." Lazar gives him a rough pat on the back. "There's another safehouse not much further ahead. I got it sorted out on the way here. Told them I had a potential lead I needed to follow up on and that's all they needed to hear."

"As for why? Well, I personally think when it comes to catching Perseus, there's nobody more qualified than you. I trust you, Bell."

A quiet clank-clank-clank fills the silence. Bell's eyes were wide in shock. He wasn't sure he heard right. There were other, more experienced agents who would certainly make a better second-in-command than him. "But sir, surely there's somebody else who-"

"Nonsense!" Perseus stood from his desk and marched to Bell's side. He swept his coat back and planted firm hands onto Bell's shoulders. "There's nobody more qualified than you. I trust you, comrade." Bell swelled with pride and childlike enthusiasm. "Of course, sir. I won't let you down."

The memory hits Bell like a slap to the face but he remains nonchalant despite the rising dread. He almost misses Lazar that stopped and narrowly avoids colliding into the back of him. "Right, here we are."

Bell finds it odd that the safehouse is nestled in the middle of a public street but he's too tired and too cold to question it. Keys jingle as Lazar frees them from his pocket and unlocks the door. They hurry inside and lock it behind them. "Home away from home."

It's smaller than the MI6 house. It's just as neat and organized, though, so Bell can't complain.

"Kitchen's here. Bathroom is the first door on the left. Your room will be the second on the left, and I'll be across from you." Lazar gestures as he speaks. "Help yourself to anything you find. I, for one, need some sleep. We can talk about everything in the morning." He disappears down the hall.

"What about Naga?" The Russian calls. 'Did you find anything out about him?"

" Tomorrow, Bell." A door snaps closed.

Bell clicks his tongue in annoyance but relents. The coat, scarf, and hat are left discarded on the back of the couch on his way toward his designated room.

Damn it all. As he lays tangled in the sheets and nursing his aching wound, Bell struggles to recall anything else about Naga or Perseus, but he comes up blank. Memories seem to be coming and going at their own discretion and it's infuriating . Now his mind is buzzing too much to sleep. Between Adler and Park and his renewed quest to stop Perseus, he doesn't know what to think. He can only hope Lazar has something to share in the morning to shed some light on it all.

#black ops cold war #russell adler #cod bell #lazar azoulay #male bell #kapano naga vang #helen park #cod bocw #bocw #fanfic

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ramblinganthropologist · 3 years ago

Text

Crossed over

Summary: Garrus has something to tell Shepard before they get down to pound town. Same hat, though? Same hat.

(I wrote this originally for pride but didn’t finish it in time. Yes I am 100% pulling this out of my ass, but who cares. My city now.)

---

Shit.

Garrus’ heart was still racing as the door to the main battery shut in front of him. Only moments prior, the Normandy’s commander had been standing there, chatting with him. Well… chatting wasn’t really the right word. Propositioning, maybe? That felt more on the face plate to him, but it just sounded so salacious for something coming from the man people had dubbed humanity’s boy scout.

He didn’t know what a boy scout was, but he was fairly sure they didn’t make suggestions like that…

“I guess I need to… ask Mordin about this.”

His hand hesitated on his omni-tool before he could make the call. The salarian would be good for positioning and allergic warnings, but he didn’t need that at the moment. That wasn’t going to quiet the frantic racing of his heart. He needed somebody else for that, someone he was still on shaky terms with.

But he needed someone would listen and not need a million clarifying questions…

His talons typed in the familiar number, and it was soon sending out the request. Thanks to being so close to a mass relay, it would go through no problem. Well, that and the fact Cerberus had souped up the Normandy’s communication system in several definitely off the market and illegal ways. Though that really wasn’t his problem anymore – he hadn’t been part of C-SEC for over two years.

Just… old habits die hard he supposed.

The call took a few seconds to connect, but he soon heard the sounds of Palaven on the other end. Garrus felt his stomach drop as he realized just how late it was on his homeworld. No doubt he had woken up the other party from a deep sleep – that was strike two for him before he had said a word.

Strike one, naturally, was going off on Omega and becoming a mercenary who took a rocket to the face. She was still mad about that.

“Garrus?”

Solana sounded tired. He could hear her shifting on the other end, no doubt because she had been in bed and fast asleep. Guilt swarmed in his stomach, but his resolve pushed it away. As the humans said it, in for a penny in for a pound.

And boy, he was going to get a pounding…

He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. The humans of the Normandy would’ve never noticed it, but no doubt his sister had already picked up on just how frantic he sounded. Right then, any turian within a couple hundred yards probably could’ve picked it up. Hell, a passing ship might have even gotten the hint if they hadn’t been in FTL drive. But he tried anyway – he had his pride in the end.

“Uh, hey, Solana. Sorry, I realize it’s late and all, but- “

Right then, he could imagine her mandibles twitching in annoyance, but also the gleam in her eyes that gave away just how curious she actually was. After all, he wasn’t the call home type. Never had been really, especially after their mother had passed. It just sort of got pushed to the back and they caught up when they could.

“Gar, you’re freaking out so loud the humans are going to hear it. You’re not dying again, are you?”

Hey, that had been a one-time deal. It wasn’t like he had a habit of taking rockets to the face or anything…

Garrus took a deep breath to steady himself once more, and he allowed his body some respite by dropping it onto the cot he kept in the battery. Sure, he probably could’ve had a bunk elsewhere – but that would’ve been with humans who had no problems working with Cerberus. As the object of his anxiety would’ve put it, taco was good out there.

He still didn’t get that – what did food have to do with displeasure? Humans were weird…

“I’m fine.” His mandibles twitched. “Just… had a talk with Shepard.”

Solana’s subvocals were curiosity city as she leaned in. “The big one or the dead one?”

“He’s not dead anymore…” Garrus’ voice trailed off. “And the little one, yeah.”

On the other end of the line, he heard his sister chuckle. “What, did you two have a fight about calibrating or something? That’s not exactly something to call me over, Gar. He’s not going to kick you off the…”

Her voice trailed off, no doubt because she had put the pieces together. He felt his stomach squirm as he waited in the pregnant silence, knowing the ball was going to drop any second. Really, this was the last thing he wanted to tell her…

“Please tell me you told him before you two fucked.”

Garrus’ mandibles almost let him lift off the ground as he jumped to his feet on instinct. “We haven’t… not yet. We were just… he made suggestions. I think we’re going to eventually, once we both put some research in. Kind of hard to smash a turian and a human together and all…”

His voice trailed off, realizing just how awkward he sounded. Really, the logical side of him knew he was being ridiculous. It wasn’t like he was a virgin like Shepard was. There were a few lovers in his past, so for the most part he knew what he was doing. It was just… well, humans were odd.

Solana’s voice was steadier the next time she spoke. “So… you’re planning to fuck your CO.”

“Yes, I know, I’m a walking stereotype.” The embarrassment could have choked a krogan. “Honestly… I don’t even know why I called. I just…”

His sister finished for him. “You’re worried about how he’s going to react if you tell him, because you’re planning on filling him in.”

Garrus was left standing there in the battery, mandibles almost to the bottom of his neck. He had no idea what kind of vocals he must’ve been giving off then, but they had to be something. After all, Solana wasn’t making fun of him. When it came to his love life, she loved nothing more than doing that. It was some older sister commandment: thou shalt pick on thy little brother for his terrible interest in people.

So… yeah.

“Gar?”

He shook his head. “Yeah, I guess that’s it,”

Solana shifted a pillow on the other end. “He’s a medic, right? He’ll at least understand it that way.”

Enough interaction with medical staff had taught Garrus that didn’t mean a whole lot of anything. Besides, he wasn’t looking for a checkup, this was practically starting… something. And maybe that’s why his stomach shifted so badly at the thought of it as he glanced around the battery.

Shit…

“I mean… do they even hold classes on that outside of turian occupied areas?” He sighed. “It’s easier with us… I don’t know how a human is going to feel about it.”

His sister’s subvocals shifted to something that reminded him of when he had been smaller, and she had stood by him on the playground. He was bigger than her now… but something about it was oddly comforting. It was also kind of embarrassing, but he was going to take what he could get at the moment.

“Well, if he starts shit, tell him to count his days.”

Despite his anxiety, Garrus found himself chuckling. “You’re really going to threaten the first human Spectre?”

“He died once; I can make it happen again if he hurts you.” The certainty in Solana’s voice was a strange comfort then. “Seriously, if he has a problem with it, then he’s an ass and he’s not worth it. Not your fault he’s a dumb human who doesn’t get what it means.”

Another chuckle – he knew when he had lost a fight. “Thanks, but I think I can handle it. Besides, you’re kind of on Palaven.”

Not that that meant anything – piss Solana off enough and she’d find a way to show up.

“Lucky him.” Solana let out a yawn that helped Garrus know their call was ending. “I mean it, Garrus. If he says anything…”

He found the knot in his stomach loosening as he sat back down. “I’ll send you our coordinates.”

“That’s my little brother. Now, get the hell off the line. I gotta get up for work in 4 hours.”

Well, love you too…

Still, Garrus let his sister go and the battery lapsed into silence once more as the call ended. He could hear life on the other side of the heavy door as the crew went about their duties, but right then it didn’t matter. He had made up his mind over the course of the call, so now he felt more resolute.

Was he still terrified? Absolutely. Humans were fucking unpredictable. After all, who else launches out of a mass effect field and starts fighting with the first sentient species they meet? They had a species wide death wish or something…

But that didn’t matter then. Now it was time to figure out what he wanted to say. And at least he had time for that as he waited for the big gun in front of him to show him some data.

---

A few weeks later, and there he was. Garrus shifted from foot to foot as the elevator door opened and let him out. He had been to the top of the Normandy before, enough that he knew the layout. Past that door was the object of his anxiety, waiting on the pretense of a talk about what they were planning.

Maybe it had been a while since he had last had sex, but he definitely didn’t remember that much thought put into it before. Was it because he was getting older, or because his partner was a squishy human?

“That you, Garrus?”

Shepard’s soft voice carried through the metal. Something about it always set the turian’s heart beating a little faster. In those moments, he found it hard to talk. So, in the end he just stood there like an idiot.

This was going great, clearly.

Thankfully, Shepard wasn’t a stupid man. His head appeared through the open door, checking to make sure he was ok. Today he had his hair pulled behind his head – he was fairly sure he called it a ponytail – and out of his face. No doubt he had been working with Saren. The hamster had full face privileges at pretty much anytime. And yes, he was jealous of a hamster for that.

So sue him.

The words brought hm back to life. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, guess I was more tired than I thought.”

The Spectre smiled at him as he motioned for Garrus to follow. Just as the turian had thought, he had been working with his hamster. From the looks of things, it had been a deep clean and a cage change if the shredded bedding meant anything. No doubt the man in charge of it all had been cleaning it up when he had come calling.

“What’s Saren got this time?”

Shepard gestured to the cage as they moved past his desk towards the sitting area. “I went for an under the sea theme. It seemed appropriate; he is living in the old fish tank system.”

That would explain the sunken ship half buried in the substrate. He had to hand it to the human, he really knew how to spoil his pets…

Together they sat at the table, Garrus positioned so he could just see Shepard’s unmade bed in the background. It was so close, but it felt like lightyears away. He was supposed to get on that eventually with the Spectre…

Talk about nearly giving himself a heart attack.

“Anyway, you wanted to talk about …”

Shepard’s voice dropped and his cheeks turned pink. Humans called that blushing, and it was pretty noticeable on the ones with light skin. It usually turned the Spectre krogan rampage red if he got going, so things weren’t too bad yet. He could work with this.

Still, Garrus felt tense as he gazed over at the human. At least both of them were nervous about this, so he didn’t feel completely stupid. In a way, that was helpful as he tried to find the words he had practiced for a week.

Naturally, they had abandoned him at the sight of those blue eyes. He was a sucker for blue…

“Yeah. There was something… I needed to tell you.”

His talons tucked against each other as he tried to keep from looking at the human. “Just so we both know what we’re getting into and all.”

“You’re not allergic to human body fluids, are you?”

Shepard was so matter of fact in his tone that Garrus felt himself chuckling without meaning to do it. Leave it to the Spectre to find a way to relax him without consciously attempting it. Maybe that was his real superpower – the biotics were just a fun perk.

But yeah… maybe he could do this.

“No, I’m good there.” Another deep breath. “Just uh… I don’t really tell people this. None of their business, and most non-turians wouldn’t get it anyway.”

At that, Garrus paused and checked the sight in front of him. Shepard was watching him, analyzing him maybe. He had stopped nervously tugging at the end of his ponytail, and his hands were in his lap. From the looks of things, he had the Spectre’s undivided attention.

No pressure.

“Something up, Garrus? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t- “

He held up his hand. “No, I feel like I should. We’re getting kind of… close.”

The tension rippled across his carapace as he felt it on the tip of his tongue. “Do… you know what it means to be crossed?”

At that point, the translating function on their omni-tools went haywire. Whatever Shepard normally heard when it worked, he definitely wasn’t getting it then. At least the man hadn’t winced at the sound of him untranslated. That was probably a good sign for cross-species relations if there ever was one.

“Sorry, the translator didn’t pick that up. I got something about a mix up?”

Well, half points for trying.

Garrus nodded as he tried to pick his words carefully so they would translate right. “Something like that. You know we believe in spirits, right?”

When Shepard nodded, he continued, stomach churning all the while. “Well… sometimes the spirit and the body it’s in have a disagreement about… things I guess.”

Disagreement was putting it mildly, of course. Garrus would’ve rather called it an all-out war in his early teens when the bad feelings were at their peak. Now it was mostly quiet – thank you, modern medicine – but sometimes it still whispered in his thoughts when he least expected it. His spirit was a tricky one like that, no wonder he had lasted so long on Omega.

But… yeah, he was getting away from the awkward conversation he was having. That was probably a bad coping mechanism left over from being a merc.

Shepard still seemed tuned into the conversation at the very least. “Ok… so your mind and body don’t… agree on something? Is that what I’m getting?”

“Pretty much. It’s not super common, but it happens.” His mandibles flapped as he tried to find the words. “There are ways of… making the spirit more comfortable depending on what way you need to go. Medical procedures help, but oftentimes one of the best ways is to just live the way your spirit wants.”

He had been 13 when his spirit had started acting up. That was a common age, though he didn’t exactly hang out with many crossed turians these days…

His shoulders still tensed as he snuck a glance at the human – hadn’t lost him completely. “I guess I’m trying to tell you… that I’m crossed. Not that it’s going to matter for us in bed, the hormone therapy has pretty much taken care of everything. I only have to take a maintenance dose every couple months…”

His voice trailed off. Shepard hadn’t said anything for a long time. Instead, the Spectre seemed to draw into himself. Something about that made Garrus’ stomach drop and almost instantly he regretted saying anything at all.

Maybe he was going to need Solana after all…

His voice was shaky when he spoke again. “Look, I get that it doesn’t- “

“So, you’re like the turian version of trans?”

Garrus blinked. The word was a new one, he had learned it from listening to the crew. Mentally, the translation ran through his head as he sat there, trying to remember what it meant. Something about gender?

What was that again, an ice cream flavor? He was kind of drawing a blank…

“Uh… don’t really get what that is, Shepard. You’re going to have to explain it to me before I can say anything.”

There was a glint in the man’s eye then as he nodded. “Basically, humans have a thing where their brain and body don’t match up. We can also fix it with medical procedures, but the best way is the same way you’ve got.”

The turian found himself nodding. “Guess that would be the human version of being crossed, yeah.”

In that moment, Garrus wasn’t sure what to expect as the pieces fell into place. It was Shepard, but Shepard was still human. More importantly, it was impossible to read how he was reacting then. His face was utterly blank as he sat there, staring down at his hands.

In the words of the Spectre… he should probably go.

Garrus could feel something breaking inside still as he stood. “I get it’s probably not what you expected. It’s ok… I just ask you don’t spread it- “

Those eyes were on him as Shepard reached out to keep him from going. “Damn it, Garrus, same hat.”

…

“Same…”

A wide grin broke out on Shepard’s face as he started laughing. “I think we’re in the same boat here if you’re telling me you’re on the turian version of HRT. Holy shit, talk about one hell of a relief. I thought you were going to say you were allergic to humans or something.”

The translation whirred in Garrus’ visor as he wordlessly sat back down. He had a full picture now, and it was one hell of a sight. The tension that had been vibrating across his carapace began to melt away as he listened to the human laugh, and soon he found himself chuckling as well.

Solana was never going to believe this.

“Nope, still not allergic to humans.” His mandibles twitched. “So… you humans do it too then?”

Shepard was still smiling as he nodded. “Yeah. If not for my biotics fucking everything up, I would’ve been on HRT too by now. But then you wouldn’t get to hear my lovely, squeaky voice cracking over the battlefield and who would want to miss that?”

“I wouldn’t…” Garrus’ voice trailed off. “Oh…”

Well, from the sound of things he hadn’t needed to worry. Maybe he didn’t need his older sister to come beat up his not-yet lover yet after all. His pride would survive for at least one more day at this rate.

Honestly, he felt lighter than he had in weeks. If not for the ship’s gravity, he might have been floating then. Then again, that might have been caused by Shepard’s quiet chuckles over all of this. Something about the man’s laughter always put him at ease.

“I can’t believe you thought I was cis, though.” The human had gone back to playing with the end of his ponytail, though from the motions it was less nerves and more something to do with his hands. “I would be insulted if you were human.”

Garrus felt his mandibles twitch. “It’s not like I know the difference, Shepard.”

“You literally saw my dick fall out of my pants, Garrus.”

…

Yeah, well… he wasn’t the medic, now was he? For all he knew, they were supposed to do that.

Still, at his silence Shepard just chuckled more. Surprisingly, he seemed lighter as well as he sat back. Maybe because of his own nerves, but he hadn’t noticed just how tight the man’s shoulders had been when he had entered. No doubt they had been worrying about similar things if there was that much crossover.

Something, something, communication made for happy relationships.

“Well, clearly we’ve got plenty of research to do if we want to do this right.” The human sounded much happier as he looked down at his always present omni-tool. “I mean… if you still want to and all. I understand if you’ve changed your mind.”

Garrus all but hopped to his feet. “No! I mean… no, I haven’t changed my mind. I’m just glad I know what to research. I think I was looking at the wrong vids…”

“Well, that makes two of us, unless you guys figured out a way to fix anatomical issues we’re still working on. Turian anatomy seems a little more straight-forward when it comes to genitals, what with everything being internal.”

…

You know, he probably should’ve found his anatomy being discussed in such clinical terms rather dry. Yet the fact Shepard seemed so relaxed about the whole thing was rather heartening. Maybe he was just more relaxed now that the bomb had dropped and he still had both of his mandibles.

He was glad for that – the implant surgery to fix him the first time had really sucked.

“I think you’ll be fine with whatever you’re looking at.” He let out a sigh of relief. “So… good talk?”

Even he knew that sounded awkward. Yet, the other man chuckled and nodded as he stood at last, pushing his ponytail behind his shoulders as he approached the turian. Apart from when they were getting shot at, it was probably the closest they had ever been.

“Yeah. Good talk.”

And then he smiled. “So, uh… I need to finish cleaning up from Saren. Unless you want to help with that?”

Garrus was already on his feet, eyeing the door. “I think I have some calibrations to get to down in the battery.”

Shepard’s cheeks briefly puffed out, but then he allowed a rather laid-back chuckle. “Alright, I get the idea. I’ll talk to you later, Garrus. Good luck with the calibrations.”

Luck – he certainly had a lot of that at the moment.

Garrus honestly felt lighter as he left the man’s quarters to return to his spot in the battery. The weight that had pressed down hard on his talons had evaporated, like gravity no longer affected him. It was a bit strange – the ship was set to adjust to that – but right then he wasn’t thinking like a tech as he rode the elevator back down.

All things considered, that had gone better than he had expected.

“Well… doubt Solana is going to believe this one. Who knew humans had it too…” he trailed off as the door opened to the crew floor. He let the matter drop for the moment, focused instead on getting back to work. After all, the Normandy was a big ship, and keeping her running was a heavy task he was more than happy to deal with.

Still… it was good to know they were on even footing. Maybe it wouldn’t go as badly as he thought it might. But he definitely needed to change his vids…

But he could worry about that later. A big gun needed some specialized calibrations if they were going to live another day. He could think about his sex life later.

#ramblinganthropologist's writing #trans!Garrus #my city now mfers #tf4 shakarian is now my canon lol #Alistair Shepard #Garrus Vakarian #they're not gonna fuck until ME3 tho

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