#((fuckin hell was that all this year is that why I'm this tired god))

[dkettchen]

it's been a year of blondes, boobs, and one piece apparently

[threepandas]

Bad End: Preserve Us

You know how in conservation biology you sometimes try to introduce a pair to be mated and one will just... just fuckin' merc' the other? Just absolutely obliterate them in a hissing, growling, nightmare ball of fury? Before anyone can stop them? Territorial and (to put it lightly) "uninterested", dispite your desperate desire to save their species from extinction, and need for them to get frisky?

I know.

Holy SHIT do I know.

There's a lot of reasons. Ways you can (hopefully) get around it. But first? Is finding out WHY it happened. Was it just the one? The environment? Were they sick? Or... as is the case sometimes, did they decide their Handler was their mate? Some species only mate once. Are loyal for life. You gotta work around that.

Which is all well and fine and good.

When we're talking about ANIMALS.

Non-sentient, non-sapient animals! Not ALIEN SPECIES! What the ABSOLUTE FRESH HELL did they expect from me!? Compliance?! This was UNETHICAL! Monstrous! I had been trying to slip my gaurds long enough to radio for help SINCE I GOT HERE.

I hope the fuckers ROTTED in whatever their Gods considered a Hell.

"Conservation facility" my ENTIRE ASS. You can't run CONSERVATION EFFORTS like this on SENTIENTS. Eugenics loving, atrocity fetishizing, immoral BASTARDS!!! And they KNEW it too. They HAD too! Or they wouldn't be HIDING it! Fucking KIDNAPPING scientists! Biologists! Doctors!

I was on my ways to study Lekku monkeys!

God...

I'm? I'm so tired of being pissed.

Furious and outraged and SCARED. Horrified and sick. There are PEOPLE here. Kids! And I don't... oh god, I don't... H-How LONG has this been going ON? Why did no one NOTICE?

Every day I feel my heart break. The desire to scream and scream and never STOP, grow inside me. I have to get out. I have to get us ALL out. Get these people FREE. Do SOMETHING. But I am forced to "conserve" the species assigned to me. The group assigned to me.

It's killing my love for the field. Making a mockery of everything I worked for.

I don't... I don't think my hands will ever be clean again.

But I have to help. Do everything I can. Make hell a little kinder, if nothing else. At least while I figure out a way OUT. My group deserves better. The groups I do not work with, deserve better.

I disguise games as "testing". Pages and pages of meaningless numbers ans scores. INSIST that enrichment is the key to success. Diet is EVERYTHING. Oh, and habitat? Well unless we can mimic their habitat there's no WAY they'll "breed".

No, no, using machines would stress them out too much.

It's like you DONT want babies!

Who's the expert here? That's RIGHT! Dr. Cho, but FAILING her and like five other people? Me. And I know for a FACT they are pulling the same scam. We ALL fucking hate you. Dr. Cho has KIDS, you FUCKS. Hasn't seen her son in YEARS thanks to you bastards. He was engaged. She's probably missed his WEDDING thanks to you!

Getting distracted, spiraling again, gotta stop DOING that.

It wont help anyone.

But God, if my brain doesn't slowly feel like it's shorting out the longer I'm here. Stress is called the silent killer for a reason. Or what that something else? Fuck. I can't even look it up! Bastards cut us off from the galactic web. Full information blackout. Because of COURSE they did... can't risk us rightfully calling for help.

Getting the Feds involved to shut this hell pit of a black site DOWN. Or a "whatever it truely is" site. Because it sure as SHIT has nothing to do with conservational biology. Except maybe the abuse of it.

But that doesn't help me right now.

Focus, damn it!

The Yanderens. Old, absurdly rare, nearly extinct, with a home planet they'd reduced to uninhabitable wastelands millennia ago due too... something. No one knew what. There had definitely been fighting. It WAS documented they were excellent fighters. Ruthless ones at that. But it was ALSO documented they strongly pack bonded.

There had been a lot of strongly worded warnings on what few documation my captures were able to find, translate, then shove at me. But honestly? They said the same thing about humans. Ooooh big scary persistent hunters~ oh nooooo! Watch out for the omnivores with a history of war! Sins of the father and we are defined by our diets! Class systems! Let's all JUDGE each ooooootheeeeer~!

Yeah, no. Not buying it.

Especially when the "warnings" were so damn vague and poorly documented. All "the HORRORS!" and "we barely SURVIVED!". Cause honestly? The Yanderens I was watching over? Easily the most mild and temperate individuals I had ever met. No tantrums from the kids, no big emotional meltdowns, just curiosity and at WORST? Mild frustration.

It made everything ten thousand times worse for me, that these poor people were in this hellish place. They were calm. Curious. Meant for greater, BETTER things! They should be out, playing and learning. Exploring and enjoying peaceful strolls in some art gallery or zen garden somewhere! Not... not this sterile fucking LAB.

But then M-17 loses his SHIT.

And now I'm kinda panicking. Because F-6 is not just dead, God rest her soul (she didn't deserve this. Oh god. She was so SWEET.), but M-17 might just be too, soon. If I can't find out what HAPPENED. Because if he's "feral" or "diseased" or whatever other horrifying terminology they end up using? They DO something about it.

And I can't actually stop them.

I... I don't know if it was a trauma response. Or I did something wrong. I could PROBABLY pass it off as my needing more studies into their observed "mating habits"? That... that I somehow... turned it... uuuuh... dominance battle? Shit. Where are my notes?!

F-6 is DEAD and its all my fault.

She was such a cuddle fiend too. Always excited to hear about my studies, from before. My life. Wanted to join me after we got out of here. I never should have let her volunteer. Granted, she wouldn't have taken no for an answer. Wanted to spend the pregnancy plotting our escape. Asked me to help raise the kid once we got out. Had a whole grand plan. But I...And I...

God...

I should have said NO. Insisted. It was just so hard, when F-6 had made it all sound like it would be okay. Like she had a plan and all I need to do was trust her. Believe in her. Then we could be free.

I had hoped M-17 would work best. He was always the most agreeable and quick on the uptake. I figured... well... ha ha. God, I'm such an IDIOT. I should have CHECKED. Who KNOWS what happened before I arrived? What triggered I just accidentally rammed my foot into? FUCK! I sweep everything from me desk onto the ground. Don't give I shit that I'll have to clean it up later,

I had figured M-17 would be COOL with it.

This place is getting to me, isn't it?

Why the FUCK would anyone be COOL with getting jumped? Bred like an animal? Shoved in some random ass room, with a vaguely familiar stranger, and told "now fuck. We want a literal litter from you two"? All while some biologist watchs and makes god damned NOTES!?

Of course he fought back. OF COURSE he didn't stop!

The only one there he could trust was himself.

I...I'm becoming a monster... aren't I?

Oh god.

At least we're in the satellite facility. The gaurds are definitely going to rat me out, but the news will take time to filter back. And... and the Yanderens being so "dangerous" might work in my favor. I... I can spin this. I HAVE to spin this. I can't let TWO people die for my fuck up.

I promised myself I would get as many people out as I could. I refuse to back out now. Even if that means crying, puking, then going out there to lie my ASS off. This was TOTALLY NORMAL. In fact, expected! Yep! It means that's we've determined that M-17 is the alpha Yanderen! A thing that is both REAL and possible to BE!

I rinse my mouth, stomach empty. Crying has exhausted me. But I can't give up. Too many lives count on me now. I... I wish so badly I was just a nobody again. Just some random biology student, trying to make a name for herself. Being "important" is a CURSE.

I try not to chug my water as I half stumble out of the glorified shoebox that is my bathroom into the much larger and Fancier CLOSET that is my room. Truely, no expense spared, for the captives they ripped away from their lives. So glad I am here willingly and of my own volition.

I gather myself. Finally ready to go and try to untangle the mess I have made of everything. When a deep booming alarm rattles my bones. The lights flickering to red. Blast doors slide down, SLAM shut over the transparent recessed bit of wall that counts as my window, the door to the rest of the facility.

Trapping me inside my small room.

Almost immediately after, an EXPLOSION rocks the world hard enough to knock me from my feet. Only the bed's limited padding keeping me from a nasty concussion. The edge of it still ramming painfully into my shoulder. Another explosion. Then another. I sit for a long, terrible, second stunned.

The moment passes.

I scramble on my hands and knees for the in facility communication device that I had knocked from my desk in anger, grief. Not daring to stand lest I be thrown down again. I manage to find it as the world shakes again for the fifth time. Followed by what sounds like gun fire out in the halls.

I fling myself back towards my shitty little bunk. Drag every bit of padding and protection I can, down and under it with me. If the roof goes? I want shock absorption. If shots get through the door? I want something to slow those blasts down. Anything. ANYTHING! To increase my fucked chances of surviving.

I burrito up and wriggle back as deep as I can. The world muffled but ending just outside my crawlspace. Then I desperately try to get one of the others on the line. I got nothing but chaos. Running. Running. Hiding. And Dead.

Dead. Dying.

Remember me.

And GONE.

Some of them fighting with their groups too freedom. Some being targeted right along side their captors. Others savaged by the ACTUAL animals they had been working with, the one's Galacticly deemed too dangerous for effort like this. Someone or something had set EVERYONE free. A simultaneous attack on all fronts that our captors could not put down or escape.

The Yanderens were out there.

Oh god. Please let them be okay. They wer-

My thoughts ground to a halt as M-32 LAUNCHED his tiny body onto the screen of one of the security feeds I was desperately looking through. F-6 had figured out how to get us a backdoor to them a long time ago. M-32 was just a kid. A small, soft, cuddly little thing that loved to lean against me and crawl into my lap. All cherubic cheeks and cute little curls. Shy!

Yet I watched... in mounting horror... as like a lion on some unfortunate animal, he landed on a gaurds back. Small arms going around his body in a mockery of a hug. Head tilting so he could BITE at the back of the man's neck, small hands clawing and ripping at weak points in his armor, as he screamed. Thrashed. Tried desperately to get M-32 OFF of him.

There was so much blood.

My hands were shaking. So much, I accidentally hit the next screen button. Jerked my thumb back. But... but oh god. There was F-26. Using the butt of a rifle to slam down against the head of a scientist. Again and again and again. Long after the begging and thrashing stopped. I flipped again. M-4? No... please not M-4. Not the soft spoken and wise...

I watched as he grinned, a cold thing, and shot out another joint. His foot on the chest of the head scientist who had moved him to a different group. In the background, his supervisor lay dead. They had not died quickly. The head scientist was begging. A mess of tears and pain. M-4 shot another joint, pressing his foot down harder.

I wanted to be sick.

I flipped again. And again. And AGAIN.

H...Had I known them at ALL? Like demons wearing the faces of those I'd known. People I'd trusted. Not a SINGLE ONE was... oh... oh god. F-6. Had she been too? Would I have ever known? Was THIS what all those warnings meant? I couldn't think. Couldn't breath. Had... Had never had a panic attack but... BUT-!

I wheezed.

Shook.

"Oh, Clever giiiirl~" A familiar voice sang, before a blood splattered face flickered into being on the screen in my hands. "Where aaaare yoooou~?"

M-17. He'd somehow managed to take over the security cameras. That or the communication feed. His eyes were bright. A grin on his face like I'd never seen from him. ALIVE in a way I'd never seen him. The excitement transformed his face. No longer softly doll like, but something DANGEROUS. Unhinged. His eyes dilated and deadly teeth on display.

"Come out, come out wherever you aaaare~. I have so much to TELL you! We have so much to DO! I'm going to make you MINE sweetheart! No one else can have you. So come out. I won't hurt you much, I promise! Just gotta make you mine then we can leave okay~?"

Furious snarls echoed through the halls. Male and female alike. Old and young. I... I recognized each of those voices. What was HAPPENING?

"Aaaah? Did you TRASH really think you DESERVED her? Ha! Please." M-17 grin was cruel. Mocking. "You don't have a chance in hell of taking what's MINE."

His eyes seems to shift away from unseen enemies and back, somehow, to me. Warming to something euphoric. Resting his head on his hand as if to consider me. His fingers spread, stroking his own face, as if the desire to TOUCH was simply too great. As if what he was imagining was bleeding over into the real world.

"Oh clever girl~ my clever, clever girl~♡ I can't wait til it's just you and ME. Start think of where you want to go first, okay? We're going to get married. Have that child you wanted me for. All the things you ever dreamed~♡ I'm going to have you all to myself. No more annoying others. Ah~ can't wait to find you soon!"

"But first?"

"May the best of us Win."

[witchinatree]

magnus protocols episode 24 ramble

so it's my birthdayyyy 💕💕💕💕‼️‼️‼️ and also the. the first day. of school. so i no longer get to watch the clock change to 11 and listen to the podcast with everyone else 🙁 first day of senior year though (LET ME OUT OF HERE)

oh i'm so excited i waited all day for this and have stayed off tumblr the whole time

gwenny :[ i love you

wtf no honey you're absolutely not going on another assignment?? wtf?? babe. babe. don't do this to yourself. nonononono stop have you ever heard of icarus???

also lena cares and i love her

the glitch on "thank you" ?? oh she doesn't want this and i don't either

OMG NORRIS HIIIIIII

nanny cam... why tf did you name your baby rupert that's an adult man name

oh wtf that's creepy your kid should have normal eyes

i'm worried. i am worried. i am worried. your baby should have a normal tongue.

see i don't like this because celia has a baby and i just want her to have one happy part in her life and please keep jack safe

OH SHIT WAIT WTF??? CELIA KNOWS THIS WOMAN

this baby loves celia and this baby is scaring me

this is just making me really sad like this mom loves her son and that's not her son and i'm hearing increasingly scary background noises and i hate this for me

BLOOD? YOUR BLOOD? HONEY. GET RID OF THAT BABY I'M SORRY THAT'S NOT A HUMAN BABY

these noises are becoming animal-like and i'm actually really unsettled. props to whoever wrote this because wtf.

health visitor's gotta be evil tOO WHAT TF A BABY SHOULD NOT MAKE THOSE FUCKING NOISES MAAM

YEAH I GOT THAT.

poor patricia :(

wtf is the baby eating her flesh hhhhhhhhhhhh stop the noises stop the NOISES i'm. i'm at a loss.

celia are you not addressing this. celia you were mentioned. did she get that statement? i don't know who got it

oh alice honey 😭😭😭 also fuck you sam. lowkey. what the hell man. i don't think i love him.

SHE'S SO SCARED AND I'M CRYING I'M TOO TIRED TO HOLD IT TOGETHER

SAM I FUCKING CANNOT WITH YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU RN SAM. CELIA I ADORE YOU PLEASE HELP US PLEASE

WHY DO YOU ONLY LISTEN WHEN IT'S CELIA??? ALSO WTF "what do we do about it?" MAYBE FUCKIN. LISTEN TO ALICE. SHUT UP MAN SHUT UP?? STFU???

GOD DAMMIT CELIA

I CAN'T WITH YOU

WTF BASIRA WTF BASIRA WTF BASIRA WTF BASIRA WTF BASIRA SHE'S?? SHE'S??? MY WIFE???? I'M CRYING AGAIN 🙁

hyperventilating. basira i'm in love with you deputy head of st. luke's.

WAS SHE EVER A POLICE OFFICER PLEASE TELL ME SHE WASN'T. OH MY GOD SHE GOT OUT SHE'S OKAY. PLEASE HAVE NO TIES TO THE INSTITUTE THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HAD. BASIRA DEPUTY HEAD AU.

oh celia i know what you are celia i know what you are

bawling my eyes out genuinely bawling

rusty quill thank you and also wtf.

[daily-airimomoi-vitamins]

[You need to know, need need need to know!]

"Just tell me straight forward! stop being cryptic! Just tell me!!"

[The pharmacist stared at you with an inhumane glare. Her existence made you sick. You couldn't take any more of this. You stomped up to her, grabbing her by the collar]

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE! TELL ME!"

[you felt overwhelmed by your own anger. Why did you feel so strongly? Such strong feelings leave you weak and vulnerable, and you hated it]

hm..interesting..

"What! What's interesting!?"

Nothing it's just...you've lived all this time in an ignorant bliss, and now you want to know everything? What will you do when you know the truth, hm? Will you be distraught, unphased...happy?

[you shook your head, you can't let her get to you, no no no no no, shut up!]

"augh! Just- fuckin' tell me! I-I'm sick of your repetitive games and questions-"

[your head started to ache again. you let the pharmacist out of your grasps and latched your hands onto your head.

"Gah-!! For fucks sake-"

-Well if anything, you're the one being repetitive. Coming in here every day for the same exact things. And now, when you're off your vitamins, you're consistently repeating yourself! "Tell me this"..."tell me that.."

God, do you ever shut up!

..

[after yours and the pharmacist's moment of synchronization, the room became silent and eerie. You took a second.]

..

Perhaps you are experiencing withdrawal?

"Not possible."

It is perfectly plausible, no?

"..."

[Breathe, in and out. You took another moment to think over her words, backtracking to your fuzzy memories in your fit of rage]

"what do you mean, living in ignorance..?"

Well of course you wouldn't know. If one were to live in ignorance, you'd never really know, right? Because you are too busy forgetting things to realize what you've forgotten! It's the entire purpose, to forget.

"..can you tell me, why would I want to forget?"

..Well, everyone wants to forget. They want to forget their past, their present and all their other memories. Sometimes, they may want to forget themselves as a whole!

[this moment of calm between you and the pharmacist didn't feel right.]

[nothing felt right]

[You haven't been feeling right]

"have you ever wanted to forget?"

..That's a good question. I have nothing to forget.

"You seem to know a lot about me."

Hah, yes I do. Yet you know nothing of yourself. Quite sad, if you ask me?..

[what]

"Huh? No I know plenty about myse-"

What's your name?

"Easy! It's-"

[what]

[whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat]

[She's smiling. Why is she smiling!?]

Go on, spill ♡

[You found your mouth empty. You switched the topic]

"you still haven't told me what you did to her! You-"

Don't avoid my questions. You know exactly what happened.

"No I don't just say it! Say it say it say it!!"

Hm. Okay. She's dead.

[Huh]

What else were you expecting? She's dead. Gone. Hell, wouldn't be surprised if she was never there! Maybe she died yesterday, or today in the morning, or maybe she died 2 years ago. No matter what, she is gone.

[That- no- nonono- you heard her voice you did you did she was there shes not shes shes shes- "I am airi momoi" no shes not she is because then she would be de-]

[oh.]

[ohhhhh oh hahaha okay I you see what this is]

[some sort of liminal....lucid dream! You started to laugh]

"Hah! hahah..haaa..I'll just head home no-"

What home? You have no home. You haven't in 2 years.

[It's just a dream, don't think about it- any minute you'll wake up! you will!]

I told you what you asked for. Why are you so weird, hm? In denial, or have you forgotten?

[I wish to forget]

[no I YOU don't!]

. . .

[You are tired]

[what if this wasn't a dream? what if she's dead? What if-]

"I couldn't- help-"

Oh don't even start...

....

[borderline-culture-is]

Vent, TW Suicidal ideation, Self harm, ED mention....idk what else //

BPD culture is waNTING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER FUCKIN TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Even your own mother who deals with similar shit DOESN'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME AND THINKS IM A SPOILED FUCKING BRAT

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? HM?? WHAT DID I DO WRONG??

now it's to the fucking point where my sister thinks it's fun and quirky to tell every fucking kid she meets "oh I love being sad and depressed!!" AND I FUCKING HATE IT. SHE KNOWS BETTER. SHE FUCKING KNOWS BETTER.

I've explained it to her, my mother has explained it to her, SHE'S SEEN MY MOM GET SO SUICIDAL AND FUCKIN LOSE HERSELF BECAUSE OF IT. BUT YEAH, NO, ITS FUN TO BE DEPRESSED. ITS NOT LIKE IT MAKES EVERYONES LIFE A LIVING FUCKING HELL!!!

I dont

I don't fucking care if she's 8. I don't fucking care. I KNEW BETTER AT 8. I FUCKING KNEW BETTER. I KNEW BETTER THAN TO TELL PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES TOO.

And now because my mom is SO keen on forcing us to be those stupid fucking ultra close siblings, my mom gave her MY favourite artist to listen to. THEY'RE MY FAVE ARTIST. I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE ELSE LISTENS TO THEM BUT THIS KID???? IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

They saved my life, they speak out about mental health, I'VE SPOKEN TO THEM AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SWEETEST PEOPLE EVER. SHES FUCKING RUINING THE ONE THING I HAD, AND MY MOM KEEPS GIVING HER MORE OF MY MUSIC AND NOW MORE OF IT IS GETTING RUINED!!!!! I WANT TO CLAW MY FUCKING TATTOO OFF NOW BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT

I do not

Fucking lay in bed crying and having panic attacks, HAVING NIGHTMARES DAY AFTER FUCKING DAY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH AND IS ALWAYS MADE OUT TO BE MADE INTO A FUCKING JOKE.

I HATE THIS FUCKING KID. I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY SO MUCH. SHE KEEPS FUCKING SINGING CITIZEN SOLDIER SONGS AND BRAGGING ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED BUT HAS DONE EVERYTHING SHE FUCKING CAN TO RUIN MY LIFE

"oh, but she's just a kid-" SHE ADMITS IT. SHE ADMITS IT ALL THE TIME TO ME. SHE'S TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF AND CONFIRMED THAT SHE KNEW WHAT IT MEANT. SHE TELLS ME SHE HATES ME. SHE TELLS ME SHE LIES TO GET ME YELLED AT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME CRY. SHE'LL SIT HERE AND WATCH ME FUCKING BREAK DOWN AND FUCKING INSTIGATE SHIT. WHEN I FINALLY CRACKED AND TOLD MY MOM I WAS SUICIDAL, SHE FUCKING CHIMED IN TO START BULLYING ME TO THE POINT MY MOM HAD TO SHUT HER DOWN!!!!

one day

I'm gonna fucking leave.

I'm gonna fucking leave this house and go lay in the middle of the fucking road in the dead of night so that I can get fucking ran over and die

I cant

Keep living like this

I fucking can't, I keep fucking trying but I fucking can't. Why do I do everything possible to take care of everyone, to the point that on MY birthday, on the ONE DAY A YEAR THATS FOR ME, I HAD TO TALK MY MOM OUT OF SUICIDE. I WAS THE ONE BEING YELLED AT. I HAD TO GET A GROWN ASS WOMAN TO STOP ASKING ME FOR A KNIFE SO SHE COULD KILL HERSELF IN FRONT OF ME. I WAS THE ONE THAT MY SISTER GLARED AT WITH HATRED WHEN I TRIED TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION. I WAS THE ONE MY DAD YELLED AT BECAUSE HE WAS MAD AT MY MOM FOR LEAVING. BUT NO. I'M THE FUCK UP.

God I think I gave myself a concussion, it hurts. It hurts so bad and I need to throw up. And what's worse? This fucking kid watched me beat my head in and I heard her just...make such a disgusted noise and go back to telling her friends on fortnite that she's so depressed and bragging about it and saying it's SO fun...

My bulimia has already come back, and y'know what. Fuck it. I'm done. I'm fucking done trying to hide everything so that THEY'RE happy. So that THEY don't get their panties in a twist over me fucking struggling. If I get the urge to purge, I'll fucking purge. If I get the urge to fucking cut my thighs open, then so fucking be it. I'm done. I'm fucking done. "You need to put yourself first!" I FUCKING TRIED. YOU GOT MAD AT ME. YOU YELLED AT ME. YOU YELLED AT AND BERATED ME, SO WHY SHOULD I CARE??? HUH?? TELL ME??

I'm tired. I don't. Have people to talk to. No one to fucking help me, and I can't blame them. My best friend has bigger things to worry about other than me being a fucking baby. I abandoned the few other people I still talked to because I couldn't handle it anymore. The one server that I was finally feeling safe enough to talk in might be shut down soon because it's stressing the band out from issues that keep happening. I'm fucking. Alone. And I'm tired.

I have until October. After that, Idk. We'll see. But October is so....so far away. It's gonna be hard. Idk if I can do it but I'll try I guess.

- 🪡🎶

.

[a-friend-of-mara]

Hey uh

I'm leaving my mask at the door for a minute

If you enjoy the image of myself I put forward, the happy cheery autistic trans girl who doesn't dwell on her issues

Please just ignore this post

If you are uncomfortable with mentions of self harm, talking about non prescription drug addiction, suicide rates of trans kids

Please just go

Look

I say my biggest fear is that I'll be forgotten

It's easier than saying that I'm scared to death of myself

I'm worried I'll give up on life and stop eating... considering I can't gain or maintain weight I'd have a week before I was dead at the most

I'm afraid that I'll give up trying to look like the person I want to be rather than being stuck, trapped in a body that isn't mine but I'm wired up to like some sick torture method

I don't want to fall into drug use or self harm hoping that it'd pull me out of this pit of self hatred and hopelessness

I don't wanna be another tally mark on the trans suicide charts

I don't wanna die

I feel like I'm suffocating

That I can't move my legs... only the ones attached to me

I don't even know if I matter at this point

I just

I wanna be me

Not some false image that I was born with

Nobody understands how it is for me

My dad almost killed me with th fact he understood so little he put me into survival mode where I cared about nothing but staying alive because of how much damage his insistence that my body was in fact his son and not the cage that trapped his daughter

He used to have twins now he just has one kid with her twin sister... my sister

Now I live with my mom who doesn't understand, how could she? She's never wanted to tear her skin off because it wasn't hers... she understands how much I hurt though

She's able to see through my mask that I'm really suffering inside

Without her yall wouldn't have ever known I existed

You would've heard a news article of a trans kid who killed herself by diving off the balcony at her school although the media would misgender me.

I've almost done it

Sitting on the edge of a lethal drop fighting with myself to not do it

Not sure if I was lying when i told myself things would get better

I'm not sure if they are

Everything just keeps getting worse and worse

I can't even cry anymore

I don't care about so many things that I used to

I used to love

Then I was heartbroken

I used to care for my friends

Until I moved away

I used to enjoy helping others

Now I'm so tired I can't

Just

Fuck

It's kinda funny

How part of me thinks it's all my fault

How I'm not sure if it's something I did

But then I have to think

What could I possibly have done that'd make this torment justified?

How can any higher power exist when I've prayed to every God and Goddess I've ever learned of and not once has a goddam thing happened

How would a higher power let the world get this fucked up

Fuckin hell

My trans siblings are getting murdered for being themselves

Innocent people who live in unfortunate places are being killed because of stupid ass reasons

Fucking hell in America most people aren't free enough to take a month off work without becoming homeless

Decades of prejudice make people think women are weak and need defending but don't pay them well because... fuckin I don't know why!

It's pathetic that men get away with rape while women get away with false rape accusations usually destroying every relationship the man ever cared about

People look at others and treat them differently based on the color of their skin

YA KNOW HOW FUCKIN STUPID THAT IS?!

ITS DUMBER THAN PICKING ON SOMEONE WHO WORE A BLUE SHIRT PURELY BECAUSE OF THE SHIRT

What for?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR?!

The privilege to go through 12 to 20 years of school to earn the right to have to work a job I'll probably hate until I'm like 60?!

Right now I'm pretty sure my life is gonna end before I reach 30!

What's the fuckin point?!

America for fucks sake

The land of the free

Yeah free to work or die because the 0.01% run the fucking nation like their playground

People wonder why I've responded to hostility with hostility in the last 3 years

Simple

I've bottled my emotions for so long the bottles are all full

Yelling and ranting always make me feel a little better

If anyone comments on this negatively I hope you die in a vat of boiling vinegar and drown in the yolks of rotten eggs

That goes for all the phobic people too

If you made it through this whole essay sized emotional breakdown and don't think I'm a complaining winey bitch

I can only say I wish the world was made of more people like you

Alright

Time for sleep

[hardfireluminary]

Whenever it comes to BBC I always try to be a bigger and better slut then I was last time I have done some really slutty things over the years at a young age remember I was 15 I got tired of obsessing about interracial p*** and I posted a ad for BBC and if I am not mistaken I had Tony respond first and he was a big black guy with a huge black cock whenever he picked me up we drove to some wooded area off the road he knew or something and I remember he pulled out his cock and jammed it all the way down my young throat until I was gagging I spit on his cock and we got in the back of his SUV and he gave me my very first BBC ever in true slut fashion after he unloaded in me and drop me back home I actually got up with another BBC it was a trucker I remember my young fat white ass being grabbed by his strong hands and pulling down my mom's tight booty short thong underwear in the back of his truck cab I remember sucking him off and him fuckin my young ass all night cuz I had snuck off in the middle of the night like I'd maybe left around like 2:00 well I woke up around 10:00 or 11:00 with his dick still semi hard in my creamy ass he had clearly came inside of I watched the cock come out of my ass and I got on my knees with my ass in the air on the side and wrap my lips around his black cock and woke him up with my throat well my mom went through my emails and even called my real dad and they were just giving me all this hassle about you know being a guy and gay and this and that but really if I could go back now I would have no problem sucking a fat black dick right in front of my mom and my dad because from my experiences and my understanding and my life there is no comparison to a black cock a black man as a God and my ass is definitely his property BBC is King BBC deserves all white holes so that's why I've done things like Tony used to pick me up whenever my girlfriend would go to work and literally maybe not even 10 minutes after she left I would be in his front seat with his big black dick down my throat and my fat white ass in the air facing out the window for anybody to see I love getting pounded out by BBC with my mom in the house right in the other room right outside the door it is so hot having a big black man thrusting deep into my ass while I'm hanging off the bed as he's drilling me holding me up by my neck or my shoulder and as I'm getting my cheeks beat down hanging all off the bed with my ass in the air my mom walks by in the hallway where my room is I can hear her footsteps as the black man continues to fuck my ass first time I ever did that my mom was working and in the room right beside hers I invited him in while she was on a conference call with her job and I of course ended up with my mouth on his cut and basically he drilled me and I know she heard it cuz I wasn't silent and then I introduced her to him with his cum still running out of my ass hell my girlfriend got off work one day and couldn't find me anywhere and that's because I was at a ghetto hotel room right by where we stayed and I was literally dancing for some bbcs I had gotten my eyes and I ended up shaking my ass for the dealer and his two friends when she called again and I answered she had no idea I had two dicks pressing against my ass as I was talking to her she had no idea that I was such a sissy for BBC for the longest so you can imagine all the BBC c** babies I've had her kiss out of my mouth I even got black cock in my backyard taking care

[babydinojojo]

Day 18(8/12/24)

Man, a lot has happened in this past month and shit. Some good, some bad, some I don't fuckin know. Well let's start with the good.

Summer youth finally ended and shit thank god I don't have to go back to that hell hole if a camp ever again, and I'm glad I'm also away from them annoying little spoiled brats, and bro when I say their brain rot is really bad, IT'S BAD! Bro I kid you not these kids were saying "What the sigma" "Skibbdi" and shit and like... Is their generation really fuckin screwed???? These fuckin kids bro were spoiled like how do y'all have iPads at such a young age :/, and not to mention this kid named Ky and that girls table was nice until they got to the last two weeks. The boys table was just straight up annoying, Yes Rohan you were annoying especially nigga always got 15 minutes off gym EVERY FUCKING day except the last 2 days he was here. If I'm being honest here I'd never work with kids again in anyway shape and/or form again.

Me and Vanni celebrated our one year anniversary two weeks ago today, and yea we did a movie sorta marathon, but I enjoyed it at least! We watched this movie, well I forgot what it was called, but it was like this guy had DiD and Vann Vann mentioned how Will was meant to be like this except the DiD part. Well we also got our relationship back on track after..... THAT happened and hey we've been going strong for the past month and frankly I haven't really talked to anyone but her in the past couple of months. I've kinda cut off my friends and sorta just surrounded myself with her, and frankly I'm glad I did, my friends would've just gotten in the way of everything, they're nothing but burdens on me, and hell I don't even consider some of them real fuckin friends. I mean me and Angel still talk but that ain't nothing really, we was close but not anymore and frankly I'm ok with it.

I haven't told Vanni this yet, but I recently discovered what's been preventing me from regressing as of lately. It's my brother, surprise surprise, he's been preventing me from regressing, and it just makes me sad cause he never treats me with any sorts of respect nor does my sister. She hates me for legit no reason at all, and I never did anything to her. Yesterday she fuckin hit me on the head for legitimately no reason and shit and frankly I'm tired of the way she treats me. I never did anything to her at all and I'm frankly confused in why she treats me like this. It's like my sister and brother are both against me for no reason.

Jayden got a new girlfriend, and deadass I fucking hate her annoying ass. They always calling each and EVERY moment of every day and it's like bro why???? I don't call Vanni every waking minute of the day, and yet he does????? Mom tried to do something about it yesterday and she lectured him about him treating me like my equal... Yea you wonder why my grades lower than usual. It's cause of that dumbass. Nigga is ALWAYS on the phone late fucking night and I'm always so damn sleepy to the point where I always forget things or overlook things sometimes this is just ridiculous. Mom rarely does anything about it, and she just lectures him and shit and don't really do anything about it, she just tells him to go to bed and shit and never just.... This is just making me upset just talking about it...

Tigger Warning: Contents from here might involve Depression/Suicidal thoughts/Self Harm

I always had this thought on myself lately where I was just a burden to everyone I know, and even to Vanni, and it's like... I don't know why people want to be around me at this point... I overlook shit, I don't listen, I'm a overweight piece of shit who does nothing but slob away on the couch/in his room all day, and lately every day waking up and getting out of bed has been feeling like a chore. I always let everyone down, I let my parents down with my bad grades and the fact I weight the exact weight as my mom..., my sister hates me for no reason...., my brother doesn't even care about my feelings, I'm always gaslighted or manipulated by everyone in they mother, It's just... I feel like nobody cares about my feelings or ask how I'm doing. I always ask people and shit how they're doing, but yet they never did the same for me....

You know if they're one thing that comforts me at night, it's just... there's an escape from this world. I already planned it out in my head, but it'll never happen cause I don't wanna commit offing myself...

On one faithful day, I was gonna pull up to school but put my stuff down in the library and watch some of the last YouTube videos I'll ever watch... I order a lunch from the cheesecake factory and pick it up from there, and it's a very big meal. It'll be my last one after all. I'll eat it slowly and savor every last bite eating slowly... once I finish it and my drink along with my snacks... I'll say my final goodbyes to my parents, my siblings, and my friends.... and then Vanni.... it'll be one of the most heartbreaking, and gut wrenching goodbyes I would ever give someone... The amount of times I would apologize for doing this too her... But I can't take it anymore..... I wouldn't block her, and since she'll have access to all my social medias I'll give her full control of them from here on out... I love you Vanni... Always and forever... Please cherish the memories and love we've had for each other and thank you being apart of my life, I'll always be forever grateful for it... You really made one of the biggest impacts in my life and I thank you for trying each and everyday and for taking care of yourself... I'll see you in the next life one day Vanni... You'll have control of all my social medias from this day on you can do whatever you please.... After that final goodbye to Vanni... I'll delete my discord, and instagram accounts and uninstall the apps. I'll put my phone into my bag and leave the bag as I slowly walk out of the library and take one last look at the school I went to.... I walked myself to the Bryant Park train station and took a few trains too the East River... I jumped into the water and go deep effectively ending my pain.... As my soul leaves this world never to return...

But then again.... I have so much to live for after all. If I committed suicide I would be hurting everyone who loved me and cared about me to begin with. I can't do that to Vanni or my family.... I don't know I just feel depressed and sad at the moment, and if you come to think of it... I guess I did it too myself.

Onto the next Journal entry... or to emotionally manipulated or gaslighted because I don't know how to speak up for myself for Jack shit! Fuck my life man

[ventblog68w83iruiw]

God I'm so fuckin tired of feeling phantom hands touching me. It's so frustrating bc he never actually touched me like that, he just told me and showed me porn. Why can't I get it out of my head. It was years ago. Why does he still appear in my nightmares

he didn't even touch me. I feel pathetic bc of that. At least if he touched me, I could rationalize my thoughts. I hate myself for thinking like that. Why do I want it to be worse? Some fucked up sense of attention? Of validation?

Why do I blow it up out of proportion? Yeah, it almost happened, but it didn't, and I should be happy about that.

I hate hate hate it. I hate knowing that if I were around him a little longer I would've been touched by him. That I'd be the second person he did that to.

Fuck, it's not like I had it the worst, hell I barely had it "bad". He didn't even touch me. I should count myself lucky.

God, I almost followed him to another country. What would he have done to me? What would he have suggested I do? What would I have done to try to impress him?

I hate not knowing. I hate knowing. I hate being in this godforsaken in-between state of knowing too much but not knowing enough. I didn't even have it that bad.

Why did he show me those things? Why did he talk about me, to my face like that? Why did he touch her but not me? Why do I still feel fucking jealous about that? It's so fucked. I hate him. I hate hate hate him.

She trusted me by telling me what he did to her, and I have the fucking nerve to wish it were me? It's disgusting and I hate it. I don't know what to do. Because it wasn't me. I wasn't touched. I almost was, but it didn't happen. It was so, so close but it didn't happen.

It didn't happen. It didn't happen. I keep reminding myself but it almost makes it worse. Why does it affect me if it never happened? Why can I feel hands touching me? Why do I want something to happen to me so I can justify feeling like this?

I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick. I don't know what to do. Why am I still scared? I'm older now. It shouldn't bother me. It didn't even happen.

I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm so tired of wanting something to happen to me. I'm so tired of never feeling safe.

I'm touch starved but I hate it when people touch me. I can't even hug myself. I hate the feeling of skin on my skin. Unless it hurts, I can't stand it. If it's painful, it doesn't feel like the phantom hands. It doesn't feel like how he said he'd touch his porn stash.

At least if it hurts, i don't have to think about him. He'd never hurt me. But he'd do worse. God why am I still thinking like this? I can't even cry about it anymore, the tears just don't come.

I don't know what to do. I should be over it. It never happened, after all. He never touched me. But it was so close. But he didn't. So I should be fine. I should be fine. I should be fine.

I hate this

[rhymingtree]

Me realizing I'm a month late to these updates:

Anyways I'm here now :) Let's see if I can finish a whole chapter in one sitting (I probably won't but shhh)

Also I'm going to ake it a Christmas season tradition to and react to a chapter while sitting in a public place so I can risk crying to the tune of Mariah Carey.

I almost forgot how I do this, it's been so long 😭

Also I am ashamed to admit that I cant remember what happened in ch97 and I am too lazy to go back and read it

And Raffa was coordinating with other medics on the Alliance, just in case things went south. Which, knowing your track record, would happen more likely than not.

How many medics do they have at this point

How south can they go that they need more than Raffa

I forgot what was supposed to be happening where the fuck are they

And, if you succeeded, there was a high chance that you’d still manage to lose everything you’d fought for. You’d lose him.

Let's not jump to conclusions like that while I'm sitting in a public area, I might get thrown out of here for disturbing the peace or some shit

The dog tags the fucking dog tags

oh speakof the god damn devil

Mariah Carey's here

fUck

He hummed a low laugh, coming to a stop before sitting beside you, “I didn’t say anything.” “You didn’t have to.” You smirked, dropping your gaze to the ground, “You have a look.” “Very funny.” 

I love them and their little moments.

I really missed Duke holy shit

I've been gone a month and I almost forgot how much these shitheads kept me sane.

But there was so much more to life than just surviving.

You didn’t have time for it. Maybe you would eventually but that wasn’t an option. Not yet.

Little bits of poetry within the prose that I just love

I know it isn't technically poetry but it feels like it. The kind that people read in books and highlight and write down in notebooks, and post on tiktok. The kind that just really hit good in audiobook form, when you hear it and it just makes you freeze.

Ok where the fuck were we

All you had to do was stay on your feet long enough to do it.

Bitch you've been on your feet since the year started. It's fucking november. At this point your feet are gonna quit your body and run away from you, sue you for labor abuse or some shit.

See now I don't remember what they're meant to be doing but I remember being really excited about it when I finished reading 97.

"New York has been briefed, he’ll catch the others up to speed."

Can I be briefed too... it's been a month you guys I'm so lost

It had been twenty-four hours since you’d reared your head in the city. Twenty-four hours since you’d made your final appearance as the villain in Ollie’s story. Twenty-four hours since Ollie found you.

This is begging for a Hamilton joke

Hehe she's the Aaron Burr to his Hamilton

Is the world wide enough for both Wraith and Ghost

ok I'll stop

What the shit is nitramene

Dude I just finished doing chemistry homework my brain can't handle stuff like this

Ok I just googled what it is. Ok. I gets it now.

“It’s just like hotwiring a car.” “Except this one explodes if you do it wrong.” “It’ll be fine.”

I love my reckless babies

— “Let’s get you outta here, girlie.” —

ooooh careful now

I'm in public. If I get bamboozled again and throw this laptop out the fucking window...

Fucking christmas songs ruining my moment

“Checking in on you,” he said simply, folding his hands in his lap with a small smile, “Before we both descend into hell.”

“Aw, we’re already there, Johnson,” you hummed, “We swan-dived in a long time ago.”

“Then where we headed?”

“Dunno.”

He chuckled, his smile tired and his voice gruff, “At least we’re in it together, right?”

You paused, looking over him for a moment before you nodded slowly, “Together.”

Damnit

DAMN FUCKIN FLASHBACKS EVERYWHERE

Ohhhh tension i likey

I also don't want Ghost to keep him alive if that's any comfort to her :>

LAST CHRISTMAS BY WHAM IS PLAYING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE

“Make him go quiet.”

That's my mark. I'm gonna go have a dinner break and then dive back in.

I'm stressed

Also stride for stride would be a great song title for when Ghost and Ollie's main themes merge together.

Dinner break turned into I went home and took a shower break but am back now 😀 And I dont have to get embarassed by my zoomies anymore

“Blast radius 500 feet but, in Hydra's hands, who knows how they could modify it.” And it would be glorious.

The fact that this thought is coming from the one who doesn'thave stories of blowing up chem labs in high school is jarring to me.

Maybe Ollie is just that goth kid from Toy Story that experimented with his toys and he's just really fucking sadistic.

But, if he couldn’t use them against her, then he’d use her precious Avengers. Her friends. Her…Soldier Boy.

Oh thank fuck I went home before I read this part. I'm literally vibrating in my seat.

BUCKYYYY I MISSED YOUUUU

This was the last time they were going to go after her before Walsh took control of the entire situation. This was his last chance to bring her in. His last chance to bring her home. And he was going to do it. Even if it meant that he had to put down Wraith himself. And even if it meant he had to fight off Walsh and Aftermath and Stark and the Avengers. (F/N) was coming home with him.

You forget, Bucky, that Darke has the reins

And I have no fuckin' idea what this woman's got planned for you

Is it gonna be a happy ending? Dunno. But is it gonna be entertaining? Fuck yeah.

I love it when Steve and Bucky are angry

My hormones are raging again

Cuffs? And not the fun kind!?

>:(

Oh, Peter...

If (F/N) really was the bad guy, why was she trying to protect him? Did she really just like him that much?

Is it just me or have I been watching a bunch of these guys miss the clues for a whole year?

“Mr. Stark, listen.” “No,”

As genuinely sad and frustrating this is, I laughed. I'm sorry, Pete

Is literally no one going to ask why Peter is practically limping!?

HELLO

CHILD INJURED

I get that everyone's busy but HELLOOOO

OLIVER

NO

WHAT

WHA—

NO

ay susmaryosep lord save my soul

Not to mention, you didn’t have an earpiece. For the first time in a long time, you didn’t have any voices in your ears. Or your head. It left you in silence. Alone.

Is it weird that I miss Jekyll and Hyde

their back and forths were so much fun

oooh cinematic red lights how fun

OHHHH TIME FOR THE FUN STUFF

THEY GONNA TUSSLE

Clint was well aware of what your plan was and he had no intention of getting in your way. But he couldn’t let Natasha know that. You couldn’t let Natasha know.

I just know these guys would be amazing at planning surprise birthday parties.

Romanoff was practically on top of you by the time you got your bearings.

I want her to be on top of me for real

“Cuffs? Really?” you hummed, holding her fist steadily in your hand before you reached up to snap the Widow’s Bite from her wrist, “That’s pretty kinky, Romanoff.”

If only that was what they were there for

god that would be a very different night... a really good night

I really am just so glad I'm not reacting to this in a public area anymore... my thoughts are everywhere they shouldn't be

I love Clint being a team player

“C’mon, Toucan-Sam. Where are—Fuck!” — “No, no, no. I’m not just any bird, I am the Falcon!” he exclaimed as you began helping him unstrap from his harness. — — “Whatever you say, Toucan-Sam.” —

Ah, the good old days

Oh, I'm loving the back-to-back fights, and how emotionally charged everyone is

I love how theyre all asking her to come quietly

Bucky would have her coming, but it definitely won't be quiet

But, in the chaos, he found a source of calm.

I'll call Oliver whatever I like (i.e., a piece of shit rat-faced dweeb) but the man is poetic. His inner monologues are honestly amazing.

This isn't even the best example it's just the most recent one. Whenever I stumble on one of these gems in his POVs I just go damn. My english teacher would love that.

Damn... that fight was... woah

Darke... that fight was amazing 😭

I wanna see that on-screen so fucking bad

How do you go from like the most enthralling dramatic fight scene to Peter just panicking his way through the night

(F/N) had him pinned to the floor, the two of them had stopped what they were doing the instant he’d arrived. “Am I interrupting something?”

I told myself I wouldn't let my thoughts go there with these two but PETER JUST HAD TO SAY SOMETHING

I mean if you looked at it one way or another, you could almost call their verbal back-and-forth flirtatious

Before he knew what was happening, (F/N) shifted her grip on him and the next thing he knew, Peter had been flung through a window and back out into the night.

What is it with Ollie and Ghost, and throwing people out of windows? First Bucky in Hong Kong, now Peter...

Oh no

“Run away with me.”

YOU SAID THIS WOULDN'T MAKE ME CRY

“You and me. Together. We could go anywhere. Everywhere.”

DARKE

And then a cold band of metal around your wrist kept you out of it.

This is hurt.

Ow.

No.

Don't.

Why am I pleading there are already two chapters after this

I can't with you

“Yeah.” Steve agreed but he made no move to hand her over, “But you're not with Aftermath. Are you?”

WOAH

WOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAH

WOAH

WHAT

WHAT

DARKE

WHAT

WAIT

IS THIS THE RIGHT TIME TO HYPERVENTIALE AM I GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF WHAT'S HAPPENING

WHAT

WHAT

“I’m not giving her to you because you’re not with Aftermath,” Steve said, shifting his gaze from (F/N) to Walsh, “Are you, Wraith?”

STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW

oh wait you just did that was the last line

NO

WHAT

DARKE

DARKE WHAT THE FUCK

I

THE COFFE QAO A MISTAKE IT WAS A MITAKE

i need to go to bed

i cant go to bed after that what in the shit

CHAPTER 98: SCORCHED EARTH

To all my live reactors,

Please, please, please, hide your reactions under a Read More cut. I don’t want any spoilers floating around. 

&

To all my Anonymous Avengers, 

If you want to react in my asks, feel free. However, I won’t be answering any of them until at least Wednesday if they contain spoilers. 

Thank you,

Darke

┍━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┑

“I think I’d rather just kill you.”

“Then?”

“Kill them.” He nodded to the door, “Pave the way for Hydra to rise again.”

“And Barnes?”

“They broke him once. They can do it again,” he said lowly, a snarl itching at the back of his throat, “Then again, he broke you once too. Maybe you will survive through the night. You’ll be right at home with the Doctor once again.”

“You know, it’s funny,” (F/N) scoffed, “He and I were talking…”

He blinked, the smile on his face dropping instantly, “What? What did you just say?”

“He came to me in Warsaw,” she said as a smile twisted to her face, “He had a job for me. Said he wants you dead.”

“Did he?” he asked through gritted teeth, “And you took it?”

“I didn’t say I did—”

“Why didn’t you kill him?”

“I—”

A manic chuckle echoed through the building as he ran his fingers through his hair in disbelief, “You couldn’t do it, could you? What was it? Curiosity? Stupidity?”

┕━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┙

CHAPTER 98: SCORCHED EARTH

✪ Bᴀᴛᴛʟᴇ Sᴄᴀʀʀᴇᴅ : Aғᴛᴇʀᴍᴀᴛʜ

♜♠ Tʜᴇ Sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ & Tʜᴇ Sᴘʏ

⧗ Tʜᴇ Rᴇᴅ Rᴏᴏᴍ

☞ Bᴀᴛᴛʟᴇ Sᴄᴀʀʀᴇᴅ: Oʀɪɢɪɴs

»Jᴏɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʀᴋᴇ sɪᴅᴇ Tᴀɢʟɪsᴛ

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[theinternetkilledmychildhood]

Jesus Christ I'm so fucking tired

[briiwcc]

fezco x oc • hate you

before fezco was known as the town's drug dealer, he was just a regular high school student. well, as regular as any kid who lived in the shitty part of town with a drug dealing grandma could be but when fezco was seventeen he had a semi-normal life.

he got pretty decent grades and he was great at math. he also basically stayed to himself, or at least tried to.

but, there was always one person who seemed to always get a kick out of bothering him.

sasha motherfuckin' james...

a sixteen year old star lifted up her hand for the fifth time in the period and frowned once her teacher called on someone else.

"why don't we give the other students a chance ms. james."

star looked behind her to see mrs. stevens had called on fezco.

"it's not like he knows anything." she mumbles with a small giggle causing an uproar of laughs to fall behind her.

fezco leaned forward in his seat and raised his right eyebrow. "sasha, what did you jus' say about me?" he asks clenching his jaw when star turned around in her seat to face him with an annoyingly perfect smile, "oh? im sorry. should i say it a little slower? i know it's hard with you being on the short bus and all." she evilly mocked.

god, fezco hated her. he hated how she walked around like she owned the place, he hated how she talked down on everyone and fezco always wondered, who gave her the right?

star was just like the rest of the shitty people in this shitty town. stuck going nowhere.

so, why the hell was her head up so high.

star james single-handedly made fezco's high school life hell every day, he never knew what he had done to provoke her but it seemed she just always got a kick in making his life miserable and he fucking hated her for it.

"now if i smack the shit out of you i would be wrong, right?"

"alright! the both of you enough." mrs stevens interrupted with a tired sigh, it seemed like everyday the two students were at eachother's throats and she felt helpless just watching.

just as she was about to ask them if they wanted detention the final bell rang and all her students quickly left her classroom.

star put her worksheets in her folder and tossed it in her bag before standing up and throwing it over one shoulder. she made her way into the hallway and gasped when a scrawny body bumped into hers.

she looked down seeing the spilled coffee all over her white jeans and shoes. the boy immediately bent down trying to wipe it off.

"i'm sorry."

"don't fucking touch me!"

the neurotic boy stood up and star watched as his cheeks turned red in embarrassment and she wasn't scared to admit she got a kick out of making him nervous, "i'm sorry. it was just an accident."

star tilted her head to the side, "is that what the doctors told your mom and dad at the hospital?" seeing the look on his face she giggles and walked past him making sure to bump her shoulder into his.

fezco, who watched the whole interaction go down sent him a sympathetic look. "you good?"

"yeah, she's the worst." the lanky sophomore picked up his books that fell and smiled when fezco helped him, "thanks, man i really appreciate it."

"no problem."

the school day went by pretty fast after that and before he knew it fezco was laid up in his bed typing away at his laptop trying to complete his calculus homework which was way past due.

he heard a notification come from his phone and rolled his eyes at the contact before opening the message thread

stupid fuckin' bitch

you called me sasha today

stupid fuckin' bitch

tf did i tell you about calling

me by my government

fez

shut the fuck up bro

fez

the fuck do you want

stupid fuckin' bitch

u free 2nite?

fez

be here in 20

seen

not even 15 minutes had passed before fezco was opening his front door and sneaking the girl inside.

and before the two knew it...

star moaned throwing her head back as fezco thrusted into her.

"what was that shit you was talkin' earlier huh?" he mocked sneaking his hand to cover her face with the palm of his hand.

fezco's ocean eyes were black with hatred and lust, admiring how her boobs bounced with every movement he made, how her cries died on her throat due to his hand, how the bed slammed against the wall making the photos she put up shake a little from the amount of force.

"fuck-" star whimpered placing her hand on his lower abdomen, "please don't stop." she cries, her actions contradicting her statements.

fezco lifted his hand from her face allowing her to breathe correctly again and placed it on the side of her head. he usually preferred hitting it from the back when it came to star because the sight of her face pissed him off and turned him on all at the same time which, ultimately pissed him off.

i just wanna fuck. no strings attached.

when star first said those words he 100% thought she was just trying to make a fool out of him which wouldn't be a surprise since she was probably the most evilest bitch that ever walked the face of the earth.

but, she was also hot so you know, why not?

"i'm coming." she announced feeling the familiar hot sensation in her stomach, star came around his dick soaking him in her arousal.

fezco quickly pulled out and jerked himself off onto her stomach making her cringe, "ew i told you to stop fucking doing that." she slapped her stomach in a useless attempt at wiping it off.

he threw her legs to the side and star sat up rolling her eyes as she tried to find a rag.

"someone's a little rude."

fezco tosses her a damp one after emerging from the bathroom.

star thanks him and pulls him back by his bicep when he went to walk away, "what? no kiss goodbye?" she mockingly asks puckering her lips.

"yo get the fuck out my house."

[drabbles-mc]

Shut upppppp omg I can't believe that I'm lucky enough to be able to read more of these two. Tati my beloved. 🥰

"She shouldn’t have left without a coat, shouldn’t have abandoned the Jeep three miles down the road. She shouldn’t be doing any of this at all." Oh this is already so fucking delicious. The tenshunnnnn!!! Eating it whole.

"He’s half dressed: jeans, a-tank, handgun." so sexy sksksksk 👀👀👀

he HESITATES????? Angel Ignacio. How dare. Gonna have words with him about it later stg

"He locks the door behind her, leaves the gun on the side table. ‘You couldn’t call or something?’" Okay okay I know that they're exes and all but fuck does this really. I feel a type of way about this. I wanna shake him by his big dumb shoulders.

"Angel walks past as she explains, then bends to hook the throw with his fingers and bring it up from the floor. Not to put it back on the couch, she realises, but to put it over her shoulders instead." hmmmm okay perhaps. perhaps i forgive him 😂

‘So? None of anything we’ve seen this week has been fair.’ Damn. Angel Reyes coming in with the powerful insight. So sexy of him. I like this. Still giving him a tiny bit of side-eye and not getting my hopes up too high but I really. I love this line from him. Good, wholesome, organic food.

"Not exactly true, though, is it? Because EZ started the shit with Yuma, but she can’t say that to him now." SKSKSK say it, Tati. Stir the fuckin' pot 😂

"she doesn’t mind helping. It’s the only thing that brings them together anymore." oh fuck offfff MJ this is so sad I'm gonna fucking cry 😭😭😭😭 I wanna know what happened. I need a whole prequel. I need a russian novel about them.

"If you went back a year, this is how it always was. Angel tired, worn through from the day, and Tati awake, just to be awake with him." I'm peeling the skin off my face. I'm losing my mind. I'm screaming, crying, throwing up

‘But why?’ he asks. ‘None of this is new to you.’ God dammit, Angel. There he is. FUcking hell. Just because it isn't NEW doesn't mean that it's GOOD!!!!!!!

Tati is breaking my whole heart. I can feel her feelings and my heart is so heavy for it.

"‘I can’t stop thinking about wasted time,’ she admits." My babyyyyyyyy 😭😭😭 Tati officially gets a turn on the pobrecito expressway after this fic god

‘We’re good.’ / ‘Are we?’ / ‘Are we not?’ YESSSSS. This is that GOOOD SHIT. THis is that shit i LOOOOOOOVE. I can hear it, taste it, feel it. Shorthand that fucking HITS. Chef's kiss babey

"If the worst happens, she doesn’t want to have forfeited her right to mourn." Why does this feel like a shot to the gut?? This hurts me. I'm weeping.

‘You know, for once, Pidge, I actually think you should keep talking.’ God the way you set up this line and the delivery. It's like I'm there. I'm staring through his living room window watching this all go down sksksk

‘You think I have time to get another girl while you’re still all up in my shit?’ He's an asshole but godddd I love him so much. Just as much a relationship as it was before. Fuck me up. I'm consuming them whole.

‘Gonna make me fucking depressed, watching you cry and shit.’ No literally MJ I'm just gonna quote all fo your fucking dialogue for Angel because I can HEAR that motherfucker like he is IN MY BRAIN!!!! I'm thrashing around. I love them so fucking much it physically pains me

ahem. can you. can you hear me??? form all the way on the other side of the pond??? can you hear the way I'm sobbing and screaming and throwing my self around on the floor like the little creature that you've turned me into????

you've sublet my brain to these two. I'm not upset about it but i WILL be crying about it for the foreseeable future. thank you for your time.

for brothers, pt. 3

angel reyes x oc: tatiana ‘pidge’ clarke, hurt/comfort, 2358 words

for day 10 of whumpril : shivers & ‘i’m scared’

a/n: omg i knOW i know. i know i said the last one was just an extra scene/epilogue but now theres another part and kjSHFgj`hfg its fine. its fine. the fic is sentient. thanku to @cositapreciosa for prompting this

tagging: @drabbles-mc @hausofmamadas @darqchilddaydreamz​

Tati’s shaking when she finally finds the courage to knock, stood on Angel’s doorstep at God know’s what time. Not from fear, but from the cold that’s sunk itself beneath her skin, gripped the bones like a vice. She shouldn’t have left without a coat, shouldn’t have abandoned the Jeep three miles down the road. She shouldn’t be doing any of this at all.

He takes a minute to answer. She stares at the chipped paint in front of her, hearing him shuffle behind, before light finally tips out into the night. He’s got the door open just enough to see who it is, and his arm’s tucked back behind his shoulder, gun in hand. She knows to expect it.

‘Woah. Shit, Tati.’ He swings the door open, stepping in front of it. He’s half dressed: jeans, a-tank, handgun. ‘You okay?’

‘No, not really,’ she answers, not bothering with pretences. He’s knows her well enough to know she’s not from looks alone. Her teeth are chattering between the words. ‘Can I come in?’

Keep reading

[hezuart]

That anaversary aizen looks absolutely fabulous, he looks like a figure skater xd.

I heard along time ago the last arc of the anime was being animated finally bc they pulled a 90s sailor moon were the last season was not either animated or dubbed untill decades later.

I recall near the end of the current 366 episodes there was an episode were the creapy demon ppl woke up in hell and we're all bitter, and there was the other guy who was like, iM cOmEiNg FoR u IChIgO, but then is never mentioned again after and I'm like,why? Why is lt there just plopted randomly into a different arc that seams unrelated.

And locking aizen up underground seems ok, but It deff won't hold, and he will. Escape, and he will kill, you either need that one spell from star, dubbed, the darkest spell of moon the undaunted, a powerfull dark spell that killed immortal beings, that came from best character, eclipsa, the queen of darkness.

We need that.

Or stick him I'm crystal like eclipsa was in star. Is there no one who could trap him in ice or crystal for all eternity.

How about throw him into the centre of a volcano trapped and caged , forverr being killed by heat?

I assume there's space travel, send I'm into a black whole, were a black whole don't fuckin care if your immortal or fat, you will die

:3

Yes, I love anniversary Aizen. His original octopus-butterfly hollow design was ugly so I'm glad he's back to being the fashion icon he is.

Locking Aizen up underground once is one thing, doing it twice after saying he got more powerful by just sitting there, and he escaped to battle the Quincy Soul King God... is another. I think he should have escaped at the end of the Quincy arc. That is the only feasibility.

I heard the anime is coming back for the Quincy arc as well, but because of COVID its probably going to be delayed. (I'm not gonna watch it until the Rain section of the arc then I'm dipping out. I'm only here for Zangetsu)

and funny that you mention that hell scene in the manga :)

-> spoilers for the new BLEACH 73 page anniversary chapter / thoughts/critique on it

So hey you had a premonition! Syazel .... returned? And his hole is outside of his body??? for some reason???

(I didn't understand the explanation or why / how that happens and what that means for the hollow)

And my friend and I were laughing because out of ALL the things. Kubo could do in this anniversary. He gave Syazel his dick back after going to hell. That is iconic. (that's where his hole was located, and now that its not on his body ... well...) This is the funniest thing Kubo has EVER pulled. Kudos to you, sir.

The entire internet is freaking out over Ukitake being in hell. Honestly Kubo has done far worse, and we've established that Soul Society is a corrupt system that hasn't changed, so I'm not surprised he would pull something like this.

At the same time, Kubo 1. cheated his audience. 2. continues to prove me right that he cannot bring himself to kill his characters

1. Hollows who have commit murder in their human life are sent to hell. Syazel and Aaorniero are two of these hollows, and yet, when they are killed, there is NO gates of hell scene. We see them there later in the hell chapter (which was more of a promotion for the fourth movie and I didn't believe it would hold any merit)

But the same goes for Ukitake. We never see the gates of hell take him. What, was hell late? Did hell's gates get lost like an uber before picking him up? It's bull. Withholding such vital information from your audience, not showing the gates of hell when they should pick up this soul IMMEDIATELY is ... I mean its a lie. Kubo lied to his audience.

2. Now we are told powerful shinigami are sent to hell when they die. First of all that sounds like a security threat. Wouldn't shinigami want revenge for that? Or attempt to escape? Why would they still hold loyalty after being sent to a prison of eternal suffering?

Also "Yhwach and Aizen" were the only ones keeping Hell's gates closed is way too convenient and doesn't really make any sense. I feel like Aizen should have deliberately gone to hell to retrieve powerful shinigami / hollows for his army instead of keeping it /closed/.

This is definitely a Kubo-doesn't-know-what-he's-doing-and-is -making- stuff-up-as-he-goes, but it might have a pinch of merit because of previous plot lines.... but either way, there's some big plot holes here, but again, its Kubo, so I expected nothing less.

Again, he can't kill off his characters. He introduced zombification, he introduced immortality through the hougyoku, he has Orihime and Hachigen's reversal / rejection abilities. He brought back Luppi, friggen.... a character who's entire upper half of his body was incinerated. Like.... come on. No. He's dead, you can't bring him back like that. That's a cop out and just weird. You're taking away consequences and grief.

(Also Yamamoto and Unohana deserve to be in hell far over Ukitake, they've done some fcked up stuff in their pasts unlike him)

Also Kubo's favorite character is Mayuri, which.... you're allowed to have a favorite problematic character. But Keeping said character alive and bared from the consequences of abusing his daughter, murdering innocents, and experimenting on your own squad members? Nah. Nope. Kill him, Kubo. Kill this dude.

(his weird attachment to Mayuri is probably why he keeps bringing Syazel back, since Syazel is Mayuri 2.0, but Syazel is the bad guy who does face consequences for his actions while Mayuri is not)

~

Also, I'm certain Kazui and Orihime are going to be THRILLED that their precious husband/dad is going to hell when he dies :)

(I just... Rukia teased Ichigo about leaving Orihime at home. She teased him about having a house wife who he leaves all the chores to. Orihime had two panels. She checks on her son who promised he would be at home and sleep. Kazui fcking breaks his promise like it never mattered to him and JUMPS out the window after pretending to sleep in front of his mother. ... An 8 year old... alone... in the middle of the night.)

Orihime is abandoned. She is not invited to SS, she is not informed of what is going on, her son leaves her.... I...

Orihime is a side character. She doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't mattered for a long, long time.

A part of me is glad she had little screen time, since she tends to waste it, but another part of me is embroiled with rage.

I've even see people try to defend this. "Orihime and Ichigo can't be together ALL the time, that's an unhealthy relationship!" and I'm like guys... that's not the point. The point is Orihime is not part of Ichigo's other life. Any shinigami stuff from now on is none of her business. She's going to stay at home while Kazui and Ichigo go off and save the world. Ichigo is going to be fighting by Rukia and Renji while Orihime watches from the sidelines, or worse, doesn't even know what is going on with her husband and son. Orihime is going to be uninformed and abandoned, because she has not proven she is capable of fighting by their sides(go on, @ me. I will fight this. She's a failure.), and also because she prefers a human life over a dead one. Which is ironic, because she married a dead man. Ichigo is a shinigami, and he will be one forever. god forbid she ever meets his Zanpaktou. She would tremble in fear at the monsters her husband harbors in his soul, especially when she realizes they don't care about her and would rather see her dead. (Zangetsu would absolutely kill Orihime. Not sure about Kazui, but Orihime has not accepted Zangetsu, she does not like either of them, and the feeling is assuredly mutual.) frick now I want to make a comic about this

Also still frustrated over Zangetsu's shikai / bankai regression. Kubo once again lied to his audience. Ichigo has no bankai. How ridiculous is that? The main character of BLEACH doesn't have a bankai. Insulting.

(RIP to Chad. He doesn't exist anymore. He's just gone. No mention, no cameo. Gone.)

Kazui is a demon child. That character from the novels? Hikone? They're the same character. Literally same personality, same power level. Its worse because Kazui is a liar. He constantly goes behind his parents' backs. He can summon creepy fish and creepy eyeballs and open portals like is ANYONE aware of this? How has SS not kidnapped Ichigo's son and experimented on him / locked away his powers yet? All substitute shinigami require a reiatsu controlling / spy badge to keep them in line. Where is Kazui's? Or is he just a weird fullbringer?

I was worried Kubo was gonna try and pull a knock off Boruto but luckily he kept the focus on Ichigo and the others. But that being said, Ichika and Kazui are now just... sort of there? Kazui was kinda just.... having his own adventure that doesn't matter to the plot at hand, and Ichika had some nice characterization at first but she just hid behind her dad the whole time.

I have a feeling Kazui is gonna step in at the last minute or do some major behind the scenes thing that indirectly interferes with the main plot so no one will realize how powerful and dangerous he actually is. Its sad because Ichika is the superior character in personality and likability, but she clearly is not going to have a bigger part in this.

Ichigo having a normal life after everything still feels extremely boring and uncomfortable to me. Everyone's like 'I'm still bLEACH!" but.... BLEACH just... doesn't feel like BLEACH anymore. It hasn't for a while now.

~~~

There's two new shinigami characters. Didn't care for the girl, but the Sign Language kid who talks to animals is adorable ... however... he just reminds me of Chad, and I just... it hurts knowing Chad has essentially been deleted. Chad and Orihime are officially benched. They have chosen the human world, and Orihime has given Ichigo his spawn so she has no more use/purpose to him anymore... ////sigh

~~~

Also. This is claimed to be a new "arc". So is the BLEACH manga coming back? What is happening. I thought Kubo was tired and didn't want to do BLEACH anymore. I thought Shounen Jump cut him off. People made so many excuses for Kubo and why the past two arcs have been so badly written the past 6 years and now almost everything they've attempted to defend him with has been revoked.

BLEACH is going to continue to screw up its plot lines and characters, so Its probably best for it to stay dead but I've seen a lot of Kubo stans drooling over this content, they're desperate for BLEACH's return, but its already given out all its possible revelations. There's really nothing else to top here. It's just going to make things up as it goes along ,and I'm not really here for half-assed writing like that, especially since the damage of rushing the previous manga has already been done. Kubo and Shounen Jump are riding off a money nostalgia. None of this was planned.

Honestly though.... overall feeling of this chapter, not as bad as it could have been.

Syazel stole the spotlight, and he's my friend's favorite character, so that's all that really matters.

[sparkleapple]

Eurovision 2022 Song Opinions

Albania - I'm pleasantly surprised w their choice this year and it's something I've been wanting for a long time. I've know that Albanians know how to make a good party song and Sekret does not fail to deliver. I'm rooting hard for this and I can sense that it will be one of Albania's best result in a long time.

Armenia - It sounds like a hipster song from the early-mid 2010s that you'd hear in an ad.

Australia - They don't even belong here, but it's very Eurovision and he has a nice voice I guess

Austria - Definitely sounds like a radio friendly hit you'd see in Spinnin' Records. It's probably going to be a flop, but I'm just happy they're not sending another boring jury bait song.

Azerbaijan - So I've waited so long for them to release this song just to hear this snorefest? You've got to be kiddin me. Also do Azeri people feel so badly about their song writing/producing abilities that they have to depend on Sweden (or some western european country) every fuckin time? The chorus is pretty though.

Belgium - Is this the year of changing things? Because Belgium isn't giving us some mid tempo songs and an R&B one instead (which you hardly ever see in ESC). I absolutely love his voice and energy and this sounds like something straight out of Atlanta. I'm worried about his fate though...

Bulgaria - Wow. I expect great things from Bulgaria, but this is a huge disappointment and outdated as hell.

Croatia - Forgettable Taylor Swift demo

Cyprus - Sounds more Greek than anything Greece has sent these recent years. Woodland fairy vibes.

Czech Republic - Generic

Denmark - I love seeing a female rock song, but this sounds dated and is bound to be lost in the semifinals

Estonia - For the love of god, can Europe stop imitating country music?! Why would you want to mimic the US in a place like this? That said, I do like this song actually and at least it's not the Netherlands doing it.

Finland - The lack of rock entries this year is disappointing, and this one is the best one, but that's not saying much. The song's alright. However I love the Gorillaz like animation and, this did introduce me to the Rasmus, which lead me to "In the Shadows", which is a great song, so thank you for that.

France - LOVE! I'm a sucker for an ethnic techno track and the mysterious aura and Brenton makes me love it even more. Will certainly stand out. This is my personal winner. Well done France.

Germany - Forgettable Travis McCoy demo

Greece - Sure it's well produced and will certainly be in the top 10, but it feels very safe and not Greek at all. Gives off more Nordic vibes. If she was a Norweigan representative I'd like this song more. I'm just tired of Greece sending half Greek girls that aren't from Greece...

Iceland - When I first heard it, I thought it was boring, but now I enjoy it. It's pretty and sounds like a warm hug while camping in an Icelandic forest.

Ireland - I usually expect Ireland to send dull songs, but it was a pleasant surprise to hear this bop.

Israel - Fun and very Euroivision. Is it safe to call Israel the king of ESC gay performers?

Italy - I'm not a fan of returning performers bc I like seeing new faces and at first I was annoyed to see Mahmood return (this time with a little friend though). When I actually heard the song, I realized I was a clown. This song is great and it's very different from what he sent last time. If Italy doesn't end up with a high placement this year, no hosting country will.

Latvia - So they're not sending an electronic song. A joke entry I see. Very memeable. I miss the good old days when esc entries did stuff like this.

Lithuania - I thought it was going to hard to have a song almost as good as the Roop last year, but they ate this year too. I can't get enough. Smooth, unique, and mysterious with a touch of 20s/30s sounds. If this doesn't make to the finals, I'll riot.

Malta - I take back what I said about this bing the year of changing things up. Wtf is this hot mess? Out of Sight, while boring was still pleasant. Although with Malta's desperate attempt to be low odds, they replaced that song with something much worse. A corny ass Melofest reject that nobody's going to care for. If they place last in the semifinal, they deserve it. Also I'm tired of them only having girls.

Moldova - A simple, fun, ethnic song that's very eurovision.

Montenegro - I was looking forward for their return, especially since they haven't had a solo female singer in such a long time, but this song is pretty boring and the lyrics are cringey af. So much for making a comeback.

Netherlands - When I saw images of S10, I thought we were going to get a pop song, but instead we get a sad girl song in Dutch, which is even better. I don't like her voice, but I do like this song.

North Macedonia - I know it likely won't make it to the final, but I love it anyway and I can't stop listening to it. It also feels a bit nostalgic.

Norway - For a gimmicky entry with lyrics that don't make sense, it's a banger. It's even got a dance to go with it. Definitely something that'll motivate me to go hard on the treadmill. Another one of my faves.

Poland - Considering how had they've been flopping, I was surprised to see that they ate this year. Easy qualifier. I'd say it's the best of the sad boi ballads.

Portugal - Ooh I like this one. Seems very earthy and touching for someone who lost a loved one. If we forget about last year, Portugal has been serving as quality lately.

Romania - When I think of Romanian music, this is what comes to mind. Good ole' summer dance songs that we heard more in late 2000s- early 2010s. As a fan of Inna and Akcent, this is something up my alley.

San Marino - I heard this guy is popular in Italy so I was surprised to see someone like him represent this tiny country. What was even more surprising was to see them have a rock song and not some disco song.

Serbia - As a fellow weird person with a monotone and obsession with hygiene, I appreciate it. I can see it being a future iconic entry with its catchiness and gimmick on hand washing.

Slovenia - It's a shame this song is overlooked. It's a great example of a modern retro song (with a cute music video to boot). These kids have a mature taste.

Spain - Okay, y'all only like this basic ass song because of the choreography. That doesn't change the fact that the song is mediocre. Also the lyrics are cringey and I'm sick of women objectifying themselves. I'm not looking forward to seeing Chanel and her backup dancer's cheeks.

Sweden - I've tried to see what makes this song so high in the odds, but I still don't see it. Her voice is nice, but this sounds like something in the A Star is Born soundtrack, which I don't care for. But hey, at least they're not boring us with another generic male pop song.

Switzerland - I was disappointed considering how well they've been doing lately after so many years, they've sent us this Toy Story song. Don't get me wrong, he has a great voice and I really love the message of the song, but the delivery could have been better.

Ukraine - I prefer the Alina's song, but this one is great too. Fun, ethnic, and lighthearted with the iconic flute guy. I know for sure this will do well, but I'm afraid a lot of its points will be sympathy points and making it win would be cruel seeing that Ukraine can't afford to be the host country both location and financial wise.

UK - From the looks of it, this looks like it won't be a flop and possibly in the top 10. I wouldn't get my expectations to high though. The staging could be a hot ass mess and end up in the bottom once again.

[eternalroo76]

Sorry tumblr took away the shortcut and idk how the fuck to make read mores on mobile now, just skip if you don't want to read me bitching

Ughhhhhhh I don't feel good, summer is killing me physically again. I absolutely hate where we are living during the summer. It's noisy and hot and exposed ugh there's some fuckin vehicle or large machine doing this deep loud hum outside idk what the fuck

In general I cannot decide if Im happy with the way things have turned out, like I just feel irritated and uncomfortable a good amount of the time. I'm also no doubt the only person who can't help but be annoyed that the border is open again, because I'm sick of people wanting to come to my house or have me visit. I love to see the people I love once or MAYBE twice a year but jesus christ am I sick of the constant pressure to have the next visit planned and all these places to go and people to see or have over. I would love to go on a real vacation for once that doesn't double as visiting friends/family or a taekwondo retreat or fuckin Lego.

I just want a normal life, I've had it with this long distance shit. I don't like uprooting my life for a few days to a week at a time, multiple times a year! It makes me exhausted and irritable and afterwards I have to take all this time to recover. It was fun when I was younger but I'm tired now and I wanna do my own thing and be a fucking adult

Also i HATE visiting the US, it's stressful and the food makes me feel gross cuz I'm not used to it anymore and our dollar is so weak there. Like I spent my whole life planning to leave cuz I felt unsafe and no hope for the future living in the states. Why would I wanna go back, for leisure no less?? Jesus

Like my life is way better than it has been, and much better than it could be if I hadn't rabidly dug myself out of the pit I was in. But my god is there still shit that I don't care for all that i don't even want to accept or learn to live with. I've been through so much hell in my young life! Can I get some space to try to heal please