#((early 00’s ringtones burned into my brain ;; texts))

[juniper-soo]

juniper: so hypothetically

juniper: what if I told you

juniper: I’m back in ab

juniper: like for more than a week

juniper: think more like for the foreseeable future

juniper: would you hang out with me? 🥺

@aurorabaystarter

[juniper-soo]

juniper: I’ll be with my fam most likely not I’ll have to swing by later 💕

juniper: you’re sweet to think of me though!!

Gideon: You given much thought about Thankgiving this year yet? Gideon: Want me to set a plate for you at my place? @aurorabaystarter

[pilmik]

No better way to start a writing blog than by writing something completely self indulgent lmao college students this might hit too close to home but in my defense the new sem started and I'm. Mess

Gen: angst ig???some fluff? hurt/comfort? Quite literally just me writing what I want to hear

CW: insecurities, negative thoughts

Wakatoshi loves volleyball

Everyone knows this

Ever since he was little, he's lived and breathed for the sport

There's nothing better to him than the feeling of the ball hitting his hand, the adrenaline rush of a scored point, the satisfaction of a game well won

He didn't get this far on enjoyment alone though

As his s/o, you know this better than anyone, save for his coaches and teammates of course

You know the effort he's put in, you know that for every second he shines on the court in front he's spent hours practicing alone or with his teammates

And he shines on the court

Watching him play will never fail to make your heart stutter and your lungs feel like they're not getting enough air

After being with him as long as you have, you know enough about volleyball to know that Wakatoshi is something special

His speed, his strength, his reliability

No matter how many times you see that spike, the sound of the ball hitting the floor stays deafening

Wakatoshi was made to play Volleyball. It's an objective fact. Sometimes you think that the sport loves him just as much as he loves it

Sometimes, you get so jealous you could scream

one of the perks of being the volleyball captain's s/o is that you always get the best seats

You watch front row as your boyfriend leads his team to victory, and he always leads them to victory.

You watch, time and time again, as he scores the match point, that sharp wham of the ball hitting the court that sings triumph

Wakatoshi isn't the most expressive person. When his team wins a game, most people would write off his impassive face as nonchalance or as vanity, thinking maybe he's won so many times it doesn't feel like anything for him anymore

But you know him. You know that if you look hard enough at the end of a game, you can see a gleam in his eyes. A gleam that somehow means both satisfaction and hunger

Because while at the end of every game means victory, the end of every game also means the start of a new one, a new challenge, a new opportunity to be on the court. He loves every second of it

You know you're probably the worst person on the world for feeling this way about someone you love, but every time you see that gleam in his eyes, any pride and happiness you feel on his behalf is stained with resentment and an envy so bitter it stays on your tongue for days

You've never had that gleam in your eyes. You've never loved something so entirely, so completely as Wakatoshi loves volleyball

You honestly doubt you ever will

It's not like you're talentless or you don't have hobbies, you have the things you're good at and you have the things you like to do but it's not the same

You want so desperately to know what he feels like, to be doing something and to think, I could do this for the rest of my life and die happy

on your worst days, you wonder why he stays by your side at all

You watch him play, surrounded by his court and his team (no the court or the team, his.) And you wonder what he could get from you that he couldn't get from the sting of the ball on his palm, or the squeak of his shoes on hardwood

He's brilliant, wherever he goes be burns so brightly you swear he leaves scorch marks. What could a forest fire possibly want from a candle?

You watch them play a game against some college team, they win straight sets and Wakatoshi dominated the court, scoring a majority of the points. you're quiet on your way home, and he asks if you were bored by the game

You immediately tell him no, because on most days you love seeing him play, and you try and explain how you feel

He doesn't understand what you're talking about, obviously

Contrary to what most people think, your boyfriend isn't stupid or dense. He has trouble understanding different social cues and conceptualizing some of the more complicated emotions other people feel, but he's not an idiot

But these specific insecurities are something he's never had to face. For him, it's been volleyball since the start. His earliest memories are of his father in the yard, tossing a blue and yellow ball into the air while he sits on the engawa, chubby hands holding tight to a pink vabo-chan plush

It doesn't make sense to him, if you don't have anything like that, then all you need to do is find something you're good at, correct? Then you'll be happy

He tells you this, in his usual matter-of-fact way. (you can imagine how that went)

He doesn't understand why your eyes go glassy, or why you tell him you'll be fine walking by yourself for the rest of the way

But he does understand that he's made you upset, and he knows that he never wants to look into your eyes and see tears that he's put there

As he walks back to his dorm, he's wracking his brain trying to make sense of how you told him you felt, and what he said in response

He's still thinking as he enters the doorway, ignoring Tendou's greeting as he neatly removes his runners and puts them away

This, of course, alerts his redheaded friend, knowing Wakatoshi was taught to mind his manners

He leaves whatever he was doing to see him at the entrance, taking in his pinched expression. He knows that Wakatoshi walks you home after every game, and it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots

He quickly presses the pad of his thumb between Wakatoshi's furrowed eyebrows, smoothing the lines there

"trouble in paradise, Wakatoshi-kun? You can't keep frowning like that you know, you'll get wrinkles! Everyone already thinks you're an old man"

Wakatoshi trusts his best friend, even if he teases him constantly. Besides you, Tendou is his main confidant

He explains what happened much like someone would explain a mission report, in perfect unbiased detail. He tell him what you said, how he thought and responded and your reaction. Tendou is always patient with him, giving him his full attention.

After he finishes his story, his friend sits on his haunches in the middle of the hallway for a few minutes, pointer finger to his chin, head cocked and eyes to the ceiling, hmmmmmming thoughtfully

Wakatoshi waits at the entrance of their dorm room until Tendou snaps his eyes away from the ceiling and onto him

"Wakatoshi kun, I'm going to need you to imagine something for me"

His eyebrows pinch together again, but he nods

"Imagine you never played volleyball, you're exactly the same in every way, except your dad never showed you so you never learned how to play. Try and imagine who you'd be"

Wakatoshi tries his best to imagine, he replaces the blue and yellow ball in his memory with a red one, the bouncy kind they sell in bins at the grocery store. He replaces vabo-chan with some kind of stuffed animal wearing a bow

He thinks about school, about going straight home after class is over, and going to the gym only on weekends

He finds he's skipping parts of his life in large gaps, empty spaces he doesn't know what to do with, his future completely blank. It's terrifying.

Tendou must see the dawning horror on his face because he jumps up quickly with a flourish, clapping his hands together once to draw Wakatoshi out of his daydream

Tendou looks at him, smiling and says "y/n-chan doesn't have their volleyball. Most people aren't as lucky as you, finding your volleyball so early Wakatoshi-kun. Some people never find their's at all"

He stands at the entrance quietly for awhile after Tendou returns to his room, thinking about how scary it felt to imagine, even for a few minutes, his life full of the blanks that his sport filled

He wonders how it would be like to have those blanks empty all the time, with not even a clue how to complete them

Swallowing his pride, Wakatoshi realizes he wouldn't be able to live like that. Wouldn't be able to go forward into such unknowable territory, under such impossible odds

He thinks about you waking up every day, seeing your life full of blanks, and still pushing forwards despite it

He doesn't get much sleep that night.

You wake up in the morning to Wakatoshi's text ringtone

7:10am Toshi <3: Call in sick for first period.

7:10am Toshi <3: I am going to pick you up at 8.

7:13am Toshi <3: I will bring you breakfast.

7:27am Toshi <3: Wear a light jacket, it's chilly.

The half of you that's still hurt over yesterday wants to tell him to shove breakfast up his ass, but then you realise something

You stare at your phone, deeply confused

Doesn't he have volleyball practice before school?

You get ready quickly, and sure enough, when you walk out of your door at exactly 8:00, Wakatoshi is there.

He's wearing his tracksuit and runners, and he hands you a paper bag from the conbini. There's an apple, a bag of grapes and onigiri. In his other hand he's holding a warm drink, written on the lid is your favourite, exactly how you like it

"I am taking you to the park."

You tilt your head up at him, confused

"don't you have volleyball practice?"

"I'm skipping. We are going to feed the ducks."

The idea of Ushijima Wakatoshi skipping volleyball practice stuns you into silence, and you simply follow his lead to the direction of the park, you walking and him doing some sort of ridiculous exercise thing that looks like it'd make you puke

When you get there, you're happy to find that your usual bench is empty.

Wakatoshi pulls a water bottle out of his ridiculously-deep men's tracksuit pockets while you take the bunch of grapes out of the bag, neatly dividing it in half. You decide to take the big half of the grape bunch for once, because he was being a jerk yesterday and you deserve to feed the ducks more than he does. You give him his half and you both start feeding the ducks in silence

After awhile, he decides to speak

"Tendou made me imagine something yesterday"

You turn to face him, but he's still looking at the ducks

"he told me to imagine my life if I'd never played volleyball"

He frowns

"he said to imagine everything about me was the same, except I never started playing. I found that it was difficult"

"there were many things I found I couldn't fill in, both in my life and in myself"

"but the worst part was imagining the future. I couldn't imagine a single thing to put in it"

"I wouldn't be able to live like that. To live every day and see blank spaces and uncertainties. It sounds terrible"

He pauses for a moment and you're like :/ wow king thanks for the pep talk

But he takes a deep breath and he continues

"I think, for a person to face that uncertainty and keep pushing forward, they would have to be exceptional"

Your head snaps to look at him so fast you almost get whiplash

Exceptional

There's a word that you've never used to describe yourself

"I think, that if I knew someone like that, I would tell them that they are strong in a way that I doubt I will ever be"

He finally turns to look at you, and you try your best to see him through the tears distorting your vision

"after awhile of thinking, I finally thought of something that I could put in that blank future. Would you like to know what it was?"

You just nod, not trusting your words. His big hands gently engulf your own and for a moment you're absolutely certain Ushijima Wakatoshi will be the death of you

"if I didn't have Volleyball, if I didn't have a single clue of what I could do with my future, if I still had you by my side, I think I would be alright"

One hit K.O.

He keeps going though, as if he didn't just kill you

"if you would have me, I'd like to be in your blank future. For as long as it takes for you to find your volleyball, I'll be there. If it's months or years or decades,"

"if decades pass and you never find your volleyball, I would still like to stay by your side. Maybe your volleyball is looking for volleyball?"

His face contorts in consideration of the idea, and you can't help but laugh wetly, your tears soaking into his jacket as you bury your face into his arm

He presses a soft kiss to your head

"I apologize for what I said last night. I didn't understand"

You only shake your head

You two sit in companionable silence for a little longer so you can eat your breakfast, then you both walk to second period hand in hand

It's only in the boredom of your math class that you realize the gravity of what your boyfriend had said to you in the park

11:08 you: Tendou

11:08 you: was I tripping

11:08 you: or did Wakatoshi /propose/ to me in the park today

Tendou is typing......

A/N: I've never posted this kind of stuff before so comments would really be appreciated! Like if there's something I could do to make my stuff easier to read or whatever I wanna hear it! Even if it's mean I promise I'll only cry a little

[juniper-soo]

juniper: omg yes! it was at venice! juniper: you were the guy who got me the towel when that wave came by and completely wrecked me 🤣🤣 juniper: what's up??? have any fun projects lately?? 🎥

Maverick: oh hey! Maverick: yea i remember you. we met on a MV set down at venice beach, didn't we? Maverick: or was it at paramount... Maverick: but hey!!! @juniper-soo

[juniper-soo]

juniper: dumb bitch hours are over 🙅‍♀️ juniper: (...) juniper: well, dumb TEENAGED bitch hours are over juniper: sounds good to me ☺️ juniper: i gotchu!

rowan: noted ! ✔️ rowan: alright, so oasis at 10? rowan: please, i need someone in my life who can keep up omg

[juniper-soo]

juniper: 🍦 ✨ 🍦!! juniper: sounds perfect! see you in like 20 minutes? 👀

carlos: you've sold me at ice cream. carlos: maybe a walk along the beach too? it's still a little bit warm and the sun is shining! 🥰@juniper-soo

[juniper-soo]

juniper: I was a dumb teenager, what can I say? ☠️ juniper: cool 😊 juniper: uhh...I mean going out to a club is always a good time ✨ juniper: plus I need a reason to go out and just dance 👯‍♀️

rowan: you still did it tho !🥱 rowan: but anyways, rowan: yeah, i'd totally be down. rowan: what do you have in mind ? 👀

[juniper-soo]

juniper: no! I won't! juniper: plus, that only happened like....once during high school. 🫣 juniper: (...) juniper: I'd like to see you again. 😊

rowan: oh? rowan: but yeah, we can totally hang. rowan: but you have to promise me you're not gonna end up ghosting me or backing out last minute, like pinky promise.

[juniper-soo]

juniper: HEY! don't laugh at my misfortune! 😂 juniper: I'm free tomorrow if that works??

Mia: Ha, sucker! You're stuck here for life now 😈 Mia: I made that mistake last Christmas, now we're here Mia: In theory any day, after 7pm. Just let me know beforehand when you're free.

[juniper-soo]

juniper: I guess I don't have an answer for that... juniper: I AM sorry. I don't fake sincerity. I wanted to tell you all of this in person but my big fat thumbs forced me to do it over stupid text! juniper: I'm still sorting through my emotions too. juniper: I wanted to find the right words. juniper: actually have time to give it some thought and make sure my brain didn't, like short circuit and say something wrong juniper: (...) juniper: juniper: (...) juniper: and I'm happy for him juniper: he deserves that. juniper: I didn't come back looking to hurt anyone or fuck with anyone's head. juniper: I came home because my dad is sick. he had a health scare about a month ago and I just wanted to be closer to him. juniper: you know, in case something happens. juniper: that's it. juniper: I'm not some supervillain or one dimensional evil ex character out of some shitty movie juniper: I'm still just a person. juniper: (...) juniper: also, what happened with harris fucked with me too. I know I caused it but it doesn't mean there weren't things going on that you guys didn't know about. juniper: it was a hard choice. I regret it. but I can't go back and make it right. juniper: I can only hope to improve in the future.

Mack: How else would I think of you after the shit you pulled? Mack: An apology on the back of an accidental text doesn't relly count for much now does it Mack: Did they not teach you how to fake sincerity with all that PR training 🤣 Mack: [2 minutes later] Mack: Look Mack: I'm not trying to get into something with you about things that can't be changed Mack: And you can do whatever you want, it's no concern of mine Mack: But if you got any ideas in your head of rocking up here and messing with Harris', don't Mack: Took him a long time to get over you and what you did and he has done. He met a nice girl and he's happy and they just fit Mack: Don't fuck that up for him. You've done enough of that @juniper-soo

[juniper-soo]

juniper:(...) juniper: I'm sorry you think that way of me. and I'm sorry if it all still hurts. juniper: I know I made a mistake. and I'm sorry juniper:(...) juniper: I know the words probably don't mean much juniper: but I am. sorry that is juniper:(...) juniper: really sorry. juniper:(...) juniper: like 'makes your stomach hurt and your mind go fuzzy' kind of regret and sorry-ness juniper: I still love you guys. juniper: rina, ellie, you juniper:(...) juniper: and harris juniper: I don't expect you to forgive me. juniper: but I truly hope one day to be your friend again.

Mack: Ha yeah that makes more sense than you actually making an effort Mack: Should have known Mack: Most likely, its a p small town @juniper-soo

[juniper-soo]

juniper: maaaaaaaaaybe 👀 juniper: and maaaaaaybe I want to see my good friend carlos 👀👀 juniper: and maaaaaaybe I want to go get ice cream with him 👀👀👀

carlos: i'd be wondering when we're catching up for lunch that's for sure. carlos: are you back in AB? 🥰

[juniper-soo]

juniper: yeah!!! juniper: actually using the house my financial guy got me to buy a few years back instead of just housing family/friends who wanted to come visit 🫣 juniper: a concept! 😅 juniper: hmmmmm 🤔 juniper: anything good on at the movie house? juniper: haven't had a hinata x juniper movie excursion in a while 🍿

Hinata: holy shit really?? Hinata: definitely! what should we do first?

@juniper-soo

[juniper-soo]

juniper: you know, family stuff! 🙃 juniper: yay!! when are you free?

Mia: Why would you want to do this to yourself? Mia: But yes. I would.

[juniper-soo]

juniper: yay!😊 juniper: that sounds great! I could use a drink after unpacking all day 😅 juniper: I think I should be pretty open today! unless I'm absolutely blanking on something, which knowing me could be the case 🫥

bas: Yeah of course! I don't have a ton of time, but I'd love to join you for a drink or to chill. bas: Do you know when you'll be free or will you be pretty open?

[juniper-soo]

juniper: oh gosh awks 😆 juniper: it's juniper soo? does that ring any bells juniper: damn, you figured me out! how dare 😂😂 juniper: but really, nope. just me lol

Maverick: ngl you're not saved in my phone Maverick: NAME? Maverick: regardless, for sure i would. ive done it before and made a friend out of it Maverick: unless you're trying to kidnap me 👀 are you? 👀 👀 👀 @juniper-soo