#((btw this is mostly just me being dramatic for fun but I know that doesn't always come across in the tone of it lmao))

[lemonduckisnowawake]

Me, today: I will not get angry about people slandering Jesus. I will not lose my temper seeing yet another post throwing His character in the garbage as some politically woke or politically conservative people pleaser. I will not stab my hand with a fork when I see people poking fun at his friendships as homoerotic - *sees a post like that and slowly steps out of the internet*

No seriously. I am shaking the screen and BEGGING people to remember that even though Western Christian traditionalism has deep, *deep* wrongs, There Are Literal People Dying And Being Tortured Because Of Their Faith In Christ In The Modern World. And the way I see people making light of faith and outright mocking it or "dumbing it down" to appeal to their own moral worldview is sometimes kind of painful

[the-fandom-fuckup]

The fact that this face didn't get animated is an afront to me and also god

The self satisfaction, the fucking smirk, openly displaying his pride bc he finally rose up n not only met, but bested the giant motherfucker that made him question his worth for so long just lmsjfksbdskndsj

I'm gonna go feral

[rolandkaros]

I was reading what u commented on the break point cancellation post and I found so interesting what u were saying in regards to Drive to Survive, but u stopped because it was long (which never bothers me with tags btw) so I wanted to ask u, if u can, to expand on why u think Break Point failed, I think we might agree but I wanted to know where u stand 🥰

lmfaoo yeah i went over the tag limit 😭

what i was saying was essentially that break point is just not a good representation of the sport.

i mentioned this before but genuinely the match recaps that natasha does in the kasatkina zabiiako vlogs (now what the vlog but it's still kasatkina zabiiako in my mind) are better than the shit they did in break point. it seems like they were edited by someone who's never watched tennis before in their life, there's no sense of rhythm or momentum...which like, i understand it's hard to condense usually 2+ hours of tennis into just a few moments, but what they were rolling out was just not at all representative of what watching tennis is like. it's not even just that watching live is more enjoyable, it's that the break point recaps were actively unhelpful in the context of their episodes. it was more informative for me to listen to the players/coaches/commentators etc. talk about the match than watching those highlights bc of how bad they are.

on top of this, there isn't a lot of like...tennis specific conversation? i'll admit i didn't watch all of break point, maybe 5 or 6 episodes across the two seasons (i think only one of those was from season two bc. gross), so maybe i just missed all of it, but most of the time when they talked about the actual tennis, it was super basic stuff that even someone with very little technical knowledge (i.e. me) already knew. which like, if i'm watching a docuseries ABOUT TENNIS, i'd love to, you know, hear a bit...about tennis? there were some bits that they did include, mostly about tennis mentality (the curse episode) but the rest of anything they mentioned was very player specific, which is not really helpful if you're an inexperienced fan and want to know more about the sport as a whole.

(compare this to drive to survive, which can be dramatic and gimmicky, but actually helped me TONS to understand some of the basics of how the sport works, so i wasn't just thrown in for the first race not knowing what a soft tire vs a hard tire is.)

another thing i think i mentioned drive to survive has going for it (which i think i did mention in the tags) is that aside from all of the drama and seriousness, there's also a lot of fun silly bts bits they include, so even if you're not into the format, there is still a motivation for fans to tune in to see their favorite drivers messing around. break point had...some of that...but not enough imo to make it worth gritting through, and again, it's tough because there are just so many players to cover that the likelihood or your favorite player being included is just not that high.

basically, break point doesn't appeal to any audience. i'm not even sure what it's target audience is. experienced tennis fans (or even tennis fans such as myself who aren't experienced but have at least WATCHED live tennis) find it poorly produced and uninteresting. unexperienced tennis fans have little or nothing to gain from watching it. there just seems to be zero purpose for it to actually exist besides a sort of faux-behind-the-scenes docuseries for the sake of saying they have one about tennis.

but the thing that frustrates me is i think there could be an audience for it! like, i love docuseries formats, especially in sports! but break point just seemed to be so poorly thought out. and look, if you can't appeal to all audiences, that's fine! but chose a target audience and actually try to cater to them. and i think that's where netflix notoriously goes wrong time and time again, is they're just very out of touch with what their audiences want, and then proceed to whine that no one is interested and cancel everything when their shitty poorly thought out products do poorly (or even when good products do well). but like i said, i think if more care was put into the product, if they paid more attention, asked more questions, they could actually develop a show that more people would want to watch. but i think the way break point was set up, it was just never going to succeed like that.

TL;DR: drive to survive appeals to multiple audiences, with difference experience levels, with a little bit of something for everybody depending on a fan's watching preference. break point appeals to..........................?

and netflix doesn't seem to realize that sports fans generally want. uh. sports. to be shown accurately in a docuseries about. uh. sports.

[da3drat]

MERI. OUTFIT. REFSHEET.

I legitimately thought this was going to kill me ! I am simply not that good at coming up with outfits and I am really struggling to wrap my head around the fashion aesthetics of Morrowind. Also I think a lot of the vibe is built via armor (big pauldrons, bonemold armor), and Meri uhhh doesn't wear any. Talking a bit about each outfit under the cut<3

tattoos: designs are in the top left corner; the first one is the constellation of the lovers birth sign and the second is a wolf skull. The constellation is on her chest, she chose it because that was her daughter's birth sign. The wolf skull is on her right hip.

underwear: I think these underwear are the most expensive item of clothing Meri buys on a regular basis. I imagine that most common kinds of undergarments you see in game are a sensory nightmare for her, so she shells out the extra septims to get some that are silky and fit her comfortably. Probably of altmer make.

casual/around town: this is the closest to what she wears in game. Not much to say about it, the shirt is a mix of two extravagant shirts.

travel 1: lightweight and practical travel clothes for the more comfortable climates of southern Vvardenfell. The gold necklace she is wearing here and in the first outfit is the soldier's coin you get at the Ghostgate. Meri travels mostly unarmored, but does wear one heavy armored gauntlet which she primarily uses for emergency blocking.

travel 2: THIS ONE WAS FUN. I love ponchos, wraps, and shawls so I knew I wanted her in a big comfy woven one. The one she wears here was a gift from Nibani Maesa. I was inspired by Tibetan hooded shawls specifically, especially in the pattern. Also the goggles are dwemer make! She found them in a ruin- they are vision enhancing which makes them doubly useful during ash storms.

formal: okay. this one is not lore accurate. I really struggled with it because 1) I hate most of the nice clothes in game and 2) I had a hard time coming up with a silhouette I thought suited Meri. I wanted it to be masc while still definitively being women's clothing, and I wanted to use purple to signify the quality and expense. I really tried with this one, there are elements of it I like, but I think it needs a couple more pass overs before I'll be happy with it. Consider this fit under construction. The pin in her hair is a moon and star.

Nerevarine Drip: Had to do at least one outfit with Wraithguard ofc, and I included the Teeth of the Urshilaku as well. This is by far the most dramatic silhouette which I think is fitting for an end game look. Those are pants under there btw. I know it looks like a skirt but it's just wide legged pants.

Ty for reading :D

[honey-rye]

the Mad Dogs as the Planets by Gustav Holst (with art!)

strap in folks, this one's a long one. I'll be providing my dum dum brain thoughts, that definitely make sense to me but maybe not anyone else, below the pics. stay for the rambles or just the art, enjoy :)

also, at the very end there's a couple bonus characters

Donnie - Saturn the Bringer of Old Age

so hear me out with this one. Donnie was a hard one to figure out, while there were a bunch of potential songs for Leo and Mikey, I couldn't quite place a song for Donnie. on one hand, I really wanted to assign him Mars, just because it's as dramatic as he is lol. but it's also too harsh for him?

I went with Saturn in the end because to me it feels like an idea being formed, created and finished in a way, the trial and error of inventing. Saturn is a more emotional piece, one where you can really feel the highs and lows? Donnies emotional range doesn't show much but when it does it feels the same way. Saturn is mostly an adagio pace, (dont quote me on the tempos, this is just the way my mind hears them), matching with the way Donnie is often the one to pace himself, and be more calculated in his actions. and just like Dee, it has it's dramatic moments.

the ending movement feels like the love and peace he can only get from his family, it feels like his ninpo connecting with his brothers- or even just his brain calming down from getting overwhelmed or overstimulated

I also feel like Donnies favourite planet would be Saturn or Neptune but for two totally different reasons lol.

Leo - Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity

Jupiter is probably the most well known song of all the Planets, I almost assigned it to Mikey tbh, but I think it fits Leo best.

Leo is pretty much the definition of jollity, and yeah so is Mike, but Leo? he's bright, the "face man," he's typically seen in a lively mood.

this piece is loud, full of life, and at some points serious and more full of hope and warmth- sounds kinda like our favourite red eared slider huh. Jupiter is set in allegro, (fast, quick, and bright), reminiscent of Leo's quick thinking and agility- but also switches to a rubato, matching with the moments where he slows down and starts taking things seriously. (dont quote me on the tempos, this is just the way my mind hears them) despite being called a dumdum many time throughout the show, we all know Leo is actually really smart and calculated in most of his actions.

Jupiter as a planet is a protector, just like Leo who will do anything for his family, he brings them all together.

Leo being assigned Jupiter has nothing to do with him being the biggest fan of Jupiter Jim btw.

Raph - Venus, the Bringer of Peace

in any other iteration of Raph, I'd say he's Mars, but Rise Raph? I think Venus suits him the best.

Raph is a sweetheart. he's full of love and affection for his family, and openly shows his emotions. Venus is full of soft movements as well as harsher movements, reminiscent of Raphs tender moments vs his more serious and aggressive moments. Venus is played for the most part as an andante, (dont quote me on the tempos, this is just the way my mind hears them), in Raph I feel like this presents in how he keeps himself calm in certain situations, like when he tries to set aside his temper so he can guide his brothers in Pizza Puffs.

this is such a pretty part of the Planets, and as I've been listening to it on loop, it feels so full of love it can be overbearing, i couldn't pick out any other options for Raph, this one just fits him so well.

Mikey - Mercury, the Winged Messenger

I adore this version of Mikey. I think Mercury is a good representation of him because of how fun and mischievous it is. this is a kid who bounces around, throws random objects, and has fun with everything. Mercury has a fast pace for the most part, I'd put it at an allegro, similar to Jupiter. the piece really has a childlike fun to it, it's exactly what adhd sounds like to me lol.

Mikey is such a strong character in so many ways, the fact that he can have so much fun while still being able to get serious whether it be to Doctor Delicate Touch/Doctor Feelings his brothers, or when it comes to fighting even, is impressive considering he's the youngest- and definitely has two bad influence older brothers (cough cough, twins). Mercury is another one of the Planets that feels full of emotion in the middle of it, in Mikey these moments really present as his faith in his family. he trusts them so much, and even had faith in Draxum to become a good person. (then proceeded to adopt him as dad #2).

Anyway!

I'm not sure if any of these make sense to anyone else, and if you don't know the Planets you should definitely give them a listen.

honorable mentions as a bonus:

April as Uranus, the Magician

Cass as Mars, the Bringer of War

and the Hamatos as a whole as Neptune, the Mystic

[pancake-breakfast]

Time to finish up volume 1 of TriMax!

Archive

Trigun Volume 1: Covers + 1-3, 3 Detailed Thoughts, 4, 4 DT, 5-6, 5-6 + DT, 6 DT, 7-8, 9-10

Trigun Volume 2: Covers + Extras, 1, 1 Supplemental Research, 2-4, 5-6, 7-8

TriMax Volume 1: 1-2, 2 DT, 3-4, 3 DT

Stream-of-consciousness thoughts for TriMax Vol. 1, Chapters 5-6 below.

Chapter 5: Dancing Revolver

Gods, Vash always has to do that little hip jut, doesn't he?

Eyyy, geranium scene!

It's funny because geraniums are seen as almost plain here. They get used a lot in, like, planters for strip malls and such because they're hardy, drought-resistant beasts that need very little care and grow nicely from cuttings so they're cheap AF to reproduce and spread around. (BTW, if you ever want to add some pretty geraniums you see out in public to your yard/patio/whatever, you can just "borrow" a nice stem from that plant, take it home, and probably grow it for yourself.)

Vash is a growing boy. Of course he's thinking with his stomach.

As someone who has tended to them, I can confidently say that geraniums are definitely determined....

I'm sure he's trying to look somewhat fierce here, but mostly he just looks annoyed.

Uh oh. Vash might have the attention of someone who will try to do some damage.

Yeah... don't go pointing guns at people (purposely or no) if you're all tensed up. You might make a regrettable move.

Oh, no. I remember this guy from the anime. Please send him back where he came from.

LOL, this Elena girl is abandoning her duties to check out Vash the Stampede.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, it's the Vash slaughter song!

"Won't leave a single man alive." Vash, you're so full of shit right now, it's hilarious.

Sorry, Wolfwood. Now you have to deal with Vash being dramatic and calling attention to himself.

The funniest thing about this page to me is how Vash goes from screaming, "AAAAAAAA!!!" in Japanese to screaming, "AAAAAAAAA!!!" in English.

Pretty sure he just turned into a windmill of legs and coattails.

Yeah, from what I gather, bullet-proof vests don't keep you from getting nasty bruises and broken ribs. They just keep the hot lead from entering your body and doing the kind of damage that's harder to recover from.

He's remembering this morning's training session, I see.

Hey, Vash warned them....

Did he miss, though? Did he??

LOL, yeah, he did not.

This is, like, a Vash catchphrase at this point.

Well, if he didn't have Vash's attention before, he has it now.

Chapter 6: Sin

This doesn't have anything to do with the manga; I just want to note the number of times I've tried to navigate these pages by pushing left instead of right on my keyboard ('cause that's the way you read manga) is really, really high.

The contrast between the doctor's optimism and Brad's pessimism. Also, doc's viewing glass.

Wolfwood is having WAY too much fun spectating here. He looks like he's genuinely enjoying the chaos of it all.

Even scum can beg for its life when the tables are turned. Is the regret true and will it stick, or will being allowed mercy only open the door to further atrocities down the line? Do we have the right to decide?

Vash is making a choice, and it's not a choice to do nothing.

Hehhhh, people saying, "What do you know about my pain?" to Vash. Yes, this kind of pain is unique and individual, and Vash hasn't been through anything quite like losing a daughter in such a horrific fashion (that we know of; he is quite old), but he does understand both horrific loss and unimaginable betrayal, as well as the grief, self-blame, and feelings of utter helplessness that can come in its aftermath.

Poor Vash. He looks like hell after that fight. Probably feels like it, too.

Vash gave the father time to not become a murderer, and that's the sort of thing that would be of infinite value to Vash.

This panel, though. Important character notes here. In fact, one might say the only person Vash might not see as family on this planet is his very own twin.

The doctor sure has some trust in Vash getting out of things. And... he probably knows Vash well enough to know Vash would regret if his situation caused trouble for the doc and the rest of the people on that steamer.

LOL, Wolfwood, making a dramatic entrance, ready to bust through everything with hot lead and his beloved bike. He looks like an antihero arriving to save his kidnapped woman.

Hahahahahahaha, he pretty much buried Vash in rubble with that entrance. Mmmmmaybe didn't think it all the way through....

This panel has the same energy as Wolfwood telling Vash that kicking a rocket out of the air was "fucking stupid."

Awww, Wolfie, your heart of gold is showing....

We're just gonna ignore these panels where WW warns Vash that one of these days, pushing his luck won't work and he'll have to choose. I'm sure there's no foreshadowing in that whatsoever. Nope, none at all.

Ok, I tried to ignore it, but I also want to note I think Stampede did an excellent job capturing this running theme of how Vash is walking a precarious path trying not to choose. I don't remember that theme at all in '98. (Not saying it wasn't there; just saying it doesn't stand out in my memory.) Meanwhile, it's not just core to Vash's story in Stampede, but it's core to Meryl's and Wolfwood's stories in Stampede, too, even if in theirs, it's not mentioned so explicitly by the narrative.

Goshdarn it. That stupid Hitler-moustached, too-tall bowler hat guy is still here. Yes, yes, I know he wasn't dealt with so he can't just leave. But I want him to leave because it's better than him being in the narrative.

SEE?!!? GOOD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE PEOPLE PUPPETS LIKE THAT. SEND BOWLER HAT GUY BACK!!!

Uuuuhhhhh.... Look, I get that Legato (like a good percentage of the major characters in this story) likes fetish gear, but wearing a freaking iron maiden is taking it to a whole 'nother level.

Also, is he really big, or is this new creature person very small, or is the panel just framed weird for weird perspective? Questions....

Author Bonus Chapter: Gun Love Island

SALUTATIONS!!!

If this panel is meant to be the inside of Nightow's brain, it's a... very busy place. I do have a special appreciation for the dragon dissolving into a single sexy fishnet leg.

Oh, so the '98 anime had already started by the time this collection came out.

"First half of the story." LOL, half. Lies. But this might be a bit of a translation error. I've seen it elsewhere. Seems like (and I could be wrong here since I'm not a Japanese language expert by any means) the Japanese terms for parts of things don't necessarily mean equal parts like they do in English. To clarify, in English, if we say "a third," we mean 1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3 = 1, but the Japanese term that usually gets translated into 1/3 (三分; literally "three parts") can also mean 1/3 + 1/2 + 1/6 = 1. It's still referring to one part of three out of the whole, but that part is not necessarily equal to the other parts. Then again, the characters usually used for "half" are 半分 rather than 二分, and to the best of my knowledge, 半 does indeed mean equal halves, so maybe I'm wrong in this instance. I don't know, I'm not reading this in Japanese and I've only studied the language for like 3 years, which is nothing for Japanese.

Hahahahaha, sounds like Trigun is a bit of a case of the story running away with the author. It happens sometimes.

I'm also happy that people like Nightow's characters. Thank you very much.

[ilgaksu]

Sorry, I always see your posts late. More thoughts on to be the knife? Character moments you didn't get to include or backstory that didn't make it onto the page or how do Xiazi and Xiao Hua end up crossing paths again?

(you don't see them late, and there is no expiry on asks or ask memes for me. you just need to link to it if it's a numbered question so i know which post to refer to for example. i just explicitly post inviting asks because i have limited energy, have recently been travelling abroad and this week have the requisite flare-up, and i also sometimes just want to make it clear when people will get a timely reply. and often, if it's a message i want to really think about, it'll take some time anyway! so yeah, you're all good <3)

OH, OH THERE IS SO MUCH. especially because i'd ideally like to write another fic in that universe, with the proviso i have a Backlog and a promised heist au because of that one poll. i'm tagging @difeisheng mostly for the sake of it being a shared baby so they can pull me back in line if i've forgotten/misremembered something.

i think the most fun thing to focus on in this reply is how they cross paths again, which is that the victim in the current murder case is, in fact, an ex-employee of xiao hua's. xiao hua has a spy network throughout the city, and a large number are women and men who were previously indentured sex workers, and xiao hua bought their contracts and destroyed the contracts, usually dramatically in front of the people, then offered them a job working for him in some capacity. this means that even if the person chooses to leave sex work and say, open a business (which he might give them a loan to open) or work in a hotel etc (he'll assist that too), they can still accept working for him as a direct spy. or otherwise, they know they owe him a favour he can call in. the women in the brothel in that fic have actively chosen to stay in the profession. he isn't helping people find jobs or open businesses or get married out of the goodness of his heart, it's because hope is a valuable currency to buy extreme loyalty, and often is more effective than fear in certain cases.

so, xiao hua is pretty concerned that an employee of his has shown up dead. and he doesn't like the implication he can't take care of his own. so he ends up helping wu xie solve the case, and this involves him and hei xiazi infilitrating a western-style dance hall, posing as a couple. xiao hua in this is still very trans, remember, and so he decides to dress in western women's clothes of the time and pose as a short-haired ingenue, and hei xiazi sees this and just about drops dead, since i apparently only write one kind of cross-dressing.*

we just thought it'd be fun to have xiao hua in a typical 30s ballroom-appropriate gown sitting in hei xiazi's lap to perform brainlessness while hei xiazi has no clue where to put his hands given xiao hua could cheerfully cut them off with the knife he has strapped to his thigh next to those stockings. then they break into the owner's office. and make out in there. and then get caught. and then escape. and then fall into bed together back at hei xiazi's apartment. i'm pretty sure that's the next meeting. i feel like ash will correct me if i am wrong.

*i'm using the term cross-dressing, btw, because contextually that is how the character views it, and how they are operating within their understanding of it, attraction or kink or complicated feelings or otherwise.

[laylawatermelon]

So I just wanted to vent about this because I don't know why I'm so upset.

(very long post ahead read at your own risk) ps heavy topics implied/vaguely referenced (racism, school s-, outing, etc)

Watching Heartstopper for the first time when it first came out was kind of hard for me. For the first time in my life after about 18 or so years of living in an ultra religious dangerously othering country that quite literally promises (very bad things let's say) about queer people and others in general really I had given myself permission to just enjoy.

To not do the cringe and gag as I was taught in TV and in the church, to not roll my eyes and be hateful. To not dismiss an experience I don't understand.

To not let religion rule my every being and stop me from loving and receiving love and it is. Just love. No labels or anything. It was a romance show.

I had only (very scared may I add) watched one other queer media and every time I had watched one it felt like some omnipotent presence (the church or worse my ironically bigoted dad who happens to be black btw) to burst in and yell

HEY! THAT'S GAY!

(it's funny but not at the same time)

For the first time I allowed it to be on the big screen, my tv screen (as god intended) and allowed myself to see love.

I have been working out my identity since graduating high school and am still working the kinks out. I realized even when I was in the midst of hate I ironically had multiple queer couples (lesbians mostly) in my books. Hell my first book that made me decide to be an author has a grumpy and sunshine couple and I was like yep seems right.

I never thought it was wrong but when I'd leave the comfort of my imagination and my world I realized that there was the world burning around me.

I'd seen queer couples in high school and said that made sense, and in college I was hilariously practically adopted by them for a short while in college (what can I say birds of a feather am I right?).

It's finally been to unpack years of assumptions and hate and I'd cried a lot. There were so many parallels and intertwinement of the struggles of black people and queer people, and black queer people.

I cried feeling helpless growing up seeing school marches of kids begging to be helped by the ones who swore to protect them, I cried growing up seeing news of young men being another static and not another valuable life and then I cried when I finally saw the brokenness in ignoring queer voices.

I cried for myself for feeling like I had to do something, for not being permitted to love who I want, think how I want and develop how I want.

And most of all right now I cry for the feeling of helplessness I feel sometimes.

I feel dramatic when I say I felt empty when I saw what Kit had posted on Twitter. I felt the same way when I watched Mismatched when the female character was outed in an angry rant.

I knew what that meant. I knew what it felt like.

I feels like being bare and prostrated and having yourself held up to a blinding light. To be subjugated to an impossible and immovable standard that the "norm" never have to worry about.

Alice had stated everyone was queer so I also assumed that that's what he probably was. I also think I heard myself in him when he said partner doesn't matter and it's not a big deal.

I say that everytime I talk to my mom or my family.

I want to have a partner that understands me (the subtext is always in bright red PROBABLY NOT STRAIGHT MOM). She now says she just wants me to be happy. 😊

So I accepted it.

I thought everyone did.

I didn't understand why just because he was seen filming or dating a girl (I don't quite remember) meant he had to be faking it. Newsflash he's an actor first of all.

When straight actors have crossdressed and made fun of queer people or even portrayed them in the however long of stardom they never get the same treatment. They get the how brave, how amazing. WOW! He'll even kiss a guy/sarcastic

I was just so hurt and upset. Then all of a sudden there was discourse and I just hated every minute of it.

I've recently been kind of breaking myself away from the celebrity ideal of being turned real life idols/gods to worship that are practically stalked and gawked at. I hate everything about celebrity culture.

Paparazzi=stalker. If it happened to a normal person they'd be in jail. Or at least on a watchlist and shamed probably.

But they've turned people and their lives into the commodity to the public. They've ripped apart the mental health and lives of so many and then go quiet when they break.

It was so unfair.

I feel like it was so unfair.

And I can't help but cry because I know what it feels like to be scared. Everyone probably has at one time.

I have empathy (probably too much honestly) so I tear up when people are hurting.

And I can't help but hurt for him. I can't help but hurt for everyone I see struggling.

I wish the world was better and people were too. I just wish it was all better.

But for Kit in my mind I feel like I probably shouldn't ever meet him because I'll be a sobbing mess so I'll just write this to get it out of my system.

I see you.

I'm sorry it happened like that.

I feel you.

I'm sorry you felt like that.

I'm sorry you had to feel like that. You were young and scared and it felt like the world was surrounding you.

Something so beautiful and private was taken from you. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

I just wish he could hear it.

He also deserves a hug. A very big and warm one.

I'm still crying every time they talk about it in season 2 and it just made me sob every time they practically said it's okay tell us in your own time.

I tell that to myself in private every time I question myself about anything.

I'm so sad such a beautiful thing was taken away. And honestly my brain says he might've come out in a very cheeky way using a line from the show or in a very natural way, or even not at all.

We don't owe each other access to every part of ourselves like the Internet has conditioned is to believe.

Celebrities and us "normal people" alike. We all deserve to love and be loved.

No matter the gender, color, size, identity or anything really.

We're literally the only species that can communicate with each other and all this other weird stuff is quite literally all made up to complicate stuff.

We should love and be happy but I know that's a very idealistic way of thinking.

If you see this Kit (and everyone one else ofc) you are loved no matter where you are from, what you identify as or who you love you are valid and worthy.

You are loved even if you don't love yourself - Cleo Sol

The universe loves you and you were put here for a reason and I am quite frankly glad you are here.

Thank you for reading all this if you have I don't feel comfortable talking about stuff like this in my current circumstances but I want to advocate more.

So here, advocacy.

Love who want! Be queer and loud! Muah

[kamyru]

hi!! for the emoji ask, could you do👖, 🎀, 🍰 and🍧 for all 3?

btw i love your writing and i hope you take care of yourself <33

Hi! Thank you for requesting this! I had so much fun writing them. I hope you'll like the result. Enjoy and also take care of yourself. ❤️

P.S. If anyone wants to send me more asks, you can find the list with the emojis in here.

Sua Hasunuma

👖 - What is their go-to outfit?

Sua can style everything. When she has time, she transforms her old clothes into something new. Her style resembles a lot of "the light academia" aesthetic, with vintage influences and layers. As a former idol, she still knows how to look comfortable even in the most troublesome outfits.

🎀 - How would they fit into other worlds / aus? What aus would you like to try out? What fictional world would they fit / not fit into?

If we talk about Voltage Inc, I think all the games are because many are from the same universe. And this is true for all my OCs. 

🍰 - Favorite cake flavor? Are they specific about types of cakes?

Sua isn't a big fan of sweets. However, she can't refuse her father's homemade Japanese cheesecake. She is afraid that if she refuses him he will cut all contact with her. The man had asked his in-laws to teach him how to do it for too long to be turned down.

🍧 - Do they still have any objects from their childhood? What significance does it have to them? What would their reaction be if they lost it?

Sua has some objects from her childhood that are in her parents' house. However, there are some gifts from her fans from her k-pop era. Her favorites are handwritten letters. Once, she even thought about answering them but decided that they already forgot her. Sua always smiles when she reads them. If she loses them, she'll probably try to find them for a very long time and get nostalgic when remembering them.

Shirayuki Kiba

👖 - What is their go-to outfit?

Shirayuki had been skating for 21 years. She is now immune to cold weather due to the coldness in which she worked. So, she has no problem wearing light dresses even during Winter. She has shoes for the cold season that resemble skating boots. However, there's also a big chance that you can see her in sports clothes on her days off.

🎀 - How would they fit into other worlds / aus? What aus would you like to try out? What fictional world would they fit / not fit into?

I may sound dramatic, but let her die after her third accident and put her in "Death Parade". I think she and Chiyuki would have a lot to talk about. (I understood just now that Chiyuki and Shirayuki's names have something in common.)

🍰 - Favorite cake flavor? Are they specific about types of cakes?

During her skating career, Shirayuki was sure that her favorite cake was Tiramisu because it was very caloric, and she barely ate it. However, after her relationship with Kuranosuke started, he once tried to impress her by preparing that one cake, famous for being popular among ballet dancers - Pavlova cake, and for the first time in her life, Shirayuki appreciated it. So now her favorite is Kuranosuke's Pavlova cake.

🍧 - Do they still have any objects from their childhood? What significance does it have to them? What would their reaction be if they lost it?

Shirayuki doesn't have a lot of things from her childhood because the last time she was at home was nine years ago, and the last time she spent more than a few weeks per year was fifteen years ago. When she and her brother moved to Tokyo, she was only 12, and they didn't have enough space to take things from home. And after she and her parents went no-contact, she had never visited her home. Shirayuki has no idea if her things are still there, but she knows that her brother's things are because her younger sister sometimes brings them to her. Mostly, they are books. At first, Kuranosuke complained about her taking too much space, yet after finding out about her family situation, he let Riyuki bring as many of Ansetsu's books as Shirayuki wanted.

Noemi Daimon

👖 - What is their go-to outfit?

Half of this girl's family is from a country that mostly consists of mountains, and the other half is from one of the coldest regions in Japan. Noemi is genetically resistant to cold. So, most of the time, she'll be in thin clothes. Also, she likes to integrate clothes from the men's department in her outfits ("definitely" not because she's tall). So, there's a big chance to see her at the office in Togo's shirt, with a short skirt and a large blazer. Speaking of how tall she is: this girl wears heels. She can pole dance, so walking on heels is a piece of cake for her. However, outside the office, she can wear even her PJs while running errands, assorted with heavy boots. Konan finds his sister's style outrageous, Shirayuki - funny and cute, the youngest Kiba expects everything from her.

🎀 - How would they fit into other worlds / aus? What aus would you like to try out? What fictional world would they fit / not fit into?

Probably everything dramatic with childhood traumas, you name it.

🍰 - Favorite cake flavor? Are they specific about types of cakes?

Give her something chocolaty, and Noemi's Swiss half will melt, even if life made sure to temper her already. But don't tell her Swiss part of the family that her favorite cake is Sacher (which is Austrian). Let them think it's the chocolate cake roll.

🍧 - Do they still have any objects from their childhood? What significance does it have to them? What would their reaction be if they lost it?

YES! Noemi has a lot of precious things from childhood. They aren't expensive. Young adult Noemi sold nearly everything expensive to help her adoptive family. However, she still has her parents' wedding bands, some of her childhood toys that are now her siblings', photo albums, and blueprints from projects her parents worked at. The things that can't be used by her siblings are in a special box. This box is the material thing she will save first, in case of evacuating the house. If something happens with it, she'll most probably have an emotional breakdown. Noemi won't be mad, just extremely sad and devastated.

[kingdomoftyto]

OKAY, done. Finally. I beat AAI.

I have too many thoughts so I'm putting it behind a cut

First, the negative stuff, because from a design standpoint this game bums me out.

Gotta say, I still had fun with it, but I also understand why Investigations hasn't gained as much traction as the main series. It's, uh, a bit of a slog, if I'm honest. I had high hopes for the "seamless transition" I'd seen touted between the Investigation phase and the Argument phase (this game's replacement for Trials), but in practice I think it actually hurts the pacing pretty badly. Instead of a long buildup of gathering evidence followed by a satisfying sequence of breaking down testimonies, and a single climactic moment where you finally land the baddie.... instead, it's a series of bite-sized sleuthing segments interspersed with smaller one-on-one arguments. The arguments are never as satisfying as the main series' cross examinations, and even the eventual breakdowns don't feel as dramatic or gratifying.

(And the Logic system had SO much potential but was mostly wasted on far-too-obvious deductions instead of the stuff that might have actually made you feel clever to piece together.)

This next point is super subjective but the cases themselves also feel kind of... boring in comparison? That might seem crazy because one of them involves kidnappers in mascot suits bashing Miles over the head in a haunted funhouse, but I honestly found untangling the crimes a lot less interesting than in the main series. Maybe it's because there's more focus on forensics than on testimony...? But I loved Rise from the Ashes in AA1 and that case was PACKED with forensics minutiae...

I think it honestly might be due to the lack of a trial as the driving force behind the narrative, because you're not doing things to save a defendant and you don't have a courtroom opponent to worry about, which changes the entire... idk, vibe of the story. You're just kind of solving murders because they happened in your proximity--which works perfectly well for other detective media but feels wrong for the AA formula, somehow? The writers for this game try to emulate the urgent feeling of protecting a defendant by having a character you know get accused of murder in every single chapter, but it feels lower stakes than, say, Maya getting arrested, because you're getting involved before any real case has been built against them. The only ones arguing against you tend to be detectives in this game, not lawyers (even Franziska is just assisting Interpol in this one), and Lang tells you right out that he doesn't care about actually proving anything as long as he gets a suspect--he wants the actual guilt of the accused to be dealt with later, at the eventual trial. It feels nothing like fighting for your defendant's life while the judge's verdict hangs over your head, to be decided at any moment.

... Also the text scrolls way too slowly and the music's not as good :(

ON THE POSITIVE SIDE, however:

Kay's awesome, Yatagarasu's a fantastic concept, and more Franziska and more Gumshoe are always welcome.

Speaking of, in a total reversal of the pattern established by the rest of the series, the last case was not the best and the penultimate case was easily my favorite. This is in no small part because it featured tween Franziska, the looming presence of Manfred, and the single most dramatic moment of the game--when the villain whips out a gun and nearly shoots Miles in the courtroom. (There's also more emotional payoff in this one with how he initially comforts little Kay than in anything that happens at the end of the game, imo.)

Btw, it's nowhere near as much as I expected from the memes, but Miles' occasional mentions of Phoenix are also really awesome every time (and, yes, really funny too). I was especially hype when he brought him up during the very last interrogation segment:

(It was undercut a bit by the solution he was struggling to find being blindingly obvious, but that's a me problem)

Of course the biggest appeal of the game is simply getting to see more of Miles in general, and I think it does a fair job of delivering on that. It's got lots of fun headcanon fuel (he's a flower snob!!), some great interactions with other characters (Franziska, Gummy, even Larry!!), and at least a tiiiiiny bit of character development for him, as he continues to work out what his goals/purpose are going to be and what he's willing to do to achieve them. It's cool to see where his headspace is at post-Trilogy, though the timeframe of the game being restricted to the span of less than an in-universe week kind of limits how much of a glimpse we actually get into how he's holding up.

This Youtube comment on the soundtrack really hits the nail on the head for the exquisite dramatic irony plaguing me throughout the game due to its placement in the timeline:

(AAI takes place about a month before Phoenix's disbarment, if I understand the timeline correctly... lmao feelings)

I expect the story to be more interesting in AAI2 and to hopefully expand on what this game started. Trying not to get my hopes up too high, but cautiously optimistic...!

Anyway, IN SUMMARY:

Weakest game in the series so far imo, mostly because the mechanics change the core formula in a way that doesn't do the pacing any favors. No regrets playing it because the characters are more than worth it, but bit of a letdown when it could have been a super cool idea for a spinoff.

At least we got some adorable sprites of this nerd out of it

[ethereallyjade]

Vesta & Virginity

I saw a post somewhere that said Vesta in the natal chart can represent one's virginity and it got me thinking. So, here's my interpretation of how your Vesta sign/house placement can determine how/where you lose your virginity

Note: Don't look into this too seriously, mostly because the idea of virginity is so vastly different for each person and this post is strictly just predictions (but totally let me know if anything resonates in the comments if you feel comfortable sharing)

TW: sex (obvi), blood, mensuration, pregnancy, masturbation, food play, death, and other touchy subjects revolving around sex

⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

Aries/1st House - Losing your virginity could have been an impulsive decision or wasn't well thought out. The act could have been fast or sharp, could indicate there's pain or blood involved or just roughness in general. Maybe you got bored quickly after starting either because it wasn't all that you thought it'd be, your partner's not all that great, or the weight of the situation dawned on you. Someone could be on their period(?). This gives me the idea that you mostly focused on yourself and how you feel during the act (which isn't a bad thing btw, especially when it comes to your first time). I'm also getting that, if this resonates with you, you took your own virginity or maybe that's something you say often. Maybe the first time you experienced sex was alone with yourself? Could be with someone you play sports with, or the act could feel competitive.

Taurus/2nd House - You likely will lose your virginity in a bed or a place where you are comfortable, cozy, and warm (probably at home too). Lots of blankets. I'm seeing slow and sensual, lots of touching and foreplay. This placement makes me think it could happen either right before you go to bed or right after you wake up, something about sleep. Maybe even after eating too (or food is involved ???). Okay this might be a far stretch, but maybe your first time was via masturbation and involving a food object lol. Anyways, on another note, money could somehow be involved or something was done for money.

Gemini/3rd House - Communication could be a big deal in some capacity, talking a lot before or during the act. Maybe talking is what ultimately leads to it happening in the first place. Something to do with neighbors, with a neighbor, in a neighbor's house. Could be with someone you knew since childhood or someone your sibling introduced you to. Maybe it even takes place in your sibling's room lol. You could lose your virginity on a short trip/road trip or in a car. Could happen at school, while you're still enrolled in school (especially high school), with someone from school, on the bus from school. The person could end up being a one night stand.

Cancer/4th House - When you lose your virginity you may be in a very comfortable place or with someone you feel comfortable with. Very big indicator of it happening at home, or maybe your partner's home. Probably in a bed too. If the act doesn't take place in your or your partner's home it could be in one our your childhood homes or the family's home. Someone's family could be nearby. Someone's mom specifically could be like in the other room or something lol. The act could result in pregnancy or maybe there's a pregnancy scare afterwards (maybe someone's just very worried about that in general too). Something involving the breasts or stomach, maybe a lot of attention is drawn to the areas or maybe you keep those areas covered with a shirt or blanket

Leo/5th House - Somehow related to creative activities (theater, drama especially). If you're someone involved in the arts, it could be someone with whom you met through said art activity. They could be involved in the arts. The act could be dramatic or more dramatic than it needs to be lol. You likely view the act as very fun afterwards though or maybe you feel very empowered (however, if aspected badly it could mean the opposite). Could result in pregnancy or a pregnancy scare after though so be careful.

Virgo/6th House - You may heavily hold onto your virginity and take it very seriously. On the flip side, the act could happen fairly casually. Maybe while you're out running errands you decide to just stop by someone house and do it lol. Another placement that can indicate that money was involved, or it could be done as a favor/service for someone. You or your partner could be sick during the act or become sick after, maybe you gave each other a cold because of it lol. Maybe sex became a routine for you after you lost your virginity.

Libra/7th House - You could lose your virginity after marriage or with a long term partner (or someone you want as your long term partner and view as one day marrying). The act is likely very balanced, mutual give and take. You partner is someone you trust or someone you are undecided with. Could result in a one night stand. You are likely more focused on your partner and how they feel during the act than you are on yourself. Regardless, the subject of the relationship or where you stand with your partner is in heavy focus/importance when it happens.

Scorpio/8th House - This placement has the potential of being really powerful or very bad. Losing your virginity may change your life in some way. You might become obsessed with your partner afterwards or obsessed with sex. The act itself could be very passionate or deeply intimate. Likely happens late in the night or in a very dark room. Occult or taboo subjects may come up somehow. Maybe the sex is initiated after being very vulnerable with the person. I have to bring it up, but death could be somehow involved too. Maybe you lose your virginity after someone close to you has died. If you've already lost your virginity, maybe the person you lost it to has already died? Don't cling too heavily on the death stuff though, but it is there for some. On that note, the paranormal could somehow be involved??

Sagittarius/9th House - Deadass, you'll probably lose your virginity in public. Maybe in a car, at school, in a store, idk, you just ain't home. You could even lose it on vacation or some other type of trip. Could be in a foreign land or with a foreigner. Religion or spirituality could play a role in it. Maybe you lose it in a church lol. Maybe you feel more spiritually in tuned afterwards. Could indicate that you're in college when it happens, or with someone that is (could even be with a professor). Your partner may be older than you too or just somehow different from you.

Capricorn/10th House - Like Virgo, you may also take the idea of virginity very serious OR have no attachment whatsoever and are cold towards the subject, whichever it may be, you likely lost your virginity later in life or maybe just later than everyone else around you. Could indicate losing your virginity with a coworker or at work, maybe even on the clock too lol. On that note, maybe the act itself felt like a job, wasn't all that enjoyable, or had to be earned somehow. Could take place in public or the subject of your virginity may be talked/gossiped about by others, especially by those revolved around your job.

Aquarius/11th House - The act could happen with a friend or even with more than one person involved. Maybe it's at a friends house or someone's friends are in the next room. Maybe you lose your virginity in a very weird/unconventional way or place. Water could be involved. The act could take place in the bath or shower, shit maybe even a lake, or some body of water is nearby. Could end up being a one night stand situation or in a friends with benefits relationship. Your partner could be considered an outcast or maybe afterwards you feel like an outcast or just different/special in some way. Another placement where the subject of your virginity can be gossiped about by others (specifically online). Maybe you met your partner online or you lost your virginity while being recorded/on some type of video chat application.

Pisces/12th House - Like I said with Aqua, water could be involved. The act could take place in a bath, shower, lake, or a body of water could be nearby. Spirituality could be heavily involved in your virginity or maybe you have an out of body experience when losing it. You may become very confused or delusional about the act during or after for some reason. Your partner could even be spiritual. Could meet your partner through the art community or you could view the act itself as an art and it inspires you after. You could feel in love with your partner during the act but may not like them when it's over lol

[chaeryybomb]

nct dream reaction to their idol!reader girlfriend being shipped with another idol

anon: nct dream reaction to their idol!reader girlfriend being shipped with some other idol :) love your works btw. and thank you for this in advance

pairing: nct dream x idol!reader

genre: headcanons, fluff, crack

warnings: mentions of insecurities

a/n: dhsjdj technically my requests are closed rn but I decided I would write this out so I hope you enjoy this!

mark lee

confused boi™

tbh he wouldn't even notice you were being shipped with another idol until another member points it out

you were a special guest mc for the show and fans saw the cute interactions you had with the boyz juyeon

and soon enough fans started shipping the both of you together

in reality, you and juyeon were just high school friends and you were glad to see him again

fans on the other hand,,

mark didn't realise you were being shipped with juyeon until doyoung pointed it one day

and mark was all like

( ・◇・)？"nani? y/n and juyeon???"

he would then search up ynjuyeon on twitter because cough yeah

and found a shit ton of edits of the both of y'all

and now he's sad :((

he's sad that because no one shipped y'all together

"isn't your relationship a secret???"

"yeah but still :((("

mark sweetie y'all have neve interacted on stage before fjdjdndnd

he knows you love him and would never cheat on him

but boy is he going to be a pouty baby when y'all hang out next time

literally all he's going to say is:

"why do they ship you and him together?? why not me :(("

"mark they've never seen us in the same room before"

huang renjun

unbothered king™

at least that's what he tells you fhdjdj

he found out through a vlive fhdhdjj

it was one of the usernames and the username was like ynxyanan_shipper

and renjun mf squinted his eyes like

did I read that clearly ಠ_ಠ

he's like yn and wHO

chenle was beside him when it happened and chenle was like what's wrong

and renjun points out the username

and chenle starts lauGHING BECAUSE HE FINDS IT SO FUNNY

renjun smacks him on the head to tell him to shut up DHHSHDD

obviously he would take a screenshot of the username and sends it to you

and he's like

short king <3: do you hv something to confess to me

you: ,,, my love for you??

short king <3: blocked

you: HAHSAHS IM KIDDING

tbh you find the situation honestly really funny

cause you and yanan aren't exactly friends? you're more of acquaintances than friends

and you made eye contact one (1) time with him by accident at an award show and suddenly you're being shipped with him

when you call him the next time to hang out, definitely expect him to be salty about it fjdjfjd

"hey are you free to come over today?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask your BOYFRIEND yanan"

"renjun istg i will break up with you-"

lee jeno

oh baby boy is gonna be so so confused

he's going to be even more confused because you're being shipped with itzy's chaeryeong fhfhfjf

see you and chaeryeong were featured in an episode of a reality tv show once

and the both of y'all immediately hit it off and your friendship was just adorable

so y'all kept interacting every time y'all see each other

and y'all are now nicknamed as the 4th gen gfs because y'all are so adorable???

like the chaeryn ship ur most popular ship ever

so jeno is so confused?? like why is his gf being shipped with her??

he's like a whole ass puppy okay

you, on the other hand, find the chaeryn ship really cute so you don't mind it and you jokingly call chaeryeong your gf once or twice on live before fjdjfn

whenever you tell him that you're hanging out with chaeryeong, he will pout at you and give you his best puppy eyes

like he will cling onto you and try to convince you to now to go

it works like 13% of the time and you would cancel plans with chaer but most of time it doesn't and you would end up being late jhdjsh

but it will slowly become into an inside joke between y'all

like yk that one meme

"this is yn my girlfriend and her girlfriend chaeryeong"

kjdhkjshfs yeah that

but in all seriousness, jeno is really unbothered about you being shipped with chaeryeong because it basically has the same energy as him being shipped with jaemin

whenever y'all are having play fights, you jokingly threaten to leave him for chaeryeong jdsfjds and he immediately stops and says that's unfair

pls shower him in hugs and kisses later

lee haechan

definitely makes a fuss about it

i mean he knows that you aren't going to leave him and all but is he going to be dramatic about it? yes, yes he is

he finds out by himself because he was probably on twitter stalking your hashtag

when he suddenly stumbles upon and edit of you and ateez's san

he's like O.O wot is tHis?

screenshots the edit and sends it to you

hyuckie: yNNNN

hyuckie: THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

hyuckie: BABY

hyuckie: SUGAR BUM

hyuckie: DAISY PIE

you: what in, the ever loving fuck, is daisy pie

hyuckie: *sends screenshot* ARE U CHEATING ON ME

you: hyuck that pic is clearly edited

hyuckie: I KNOW BUT ARE YOU????

you: i-

he makes so much jokes about it that you literally have to shut him up with a kiss

jokes on u reader he's doing this on purpose to get those free kisses

the jokes stop when you actually finally meet san during a game show and shippers are like omg they finally interacted

and the amount of ynxsan edits just,, grow

haechan acts even salty about it and whines about why fan don't ship y'all together when y'all have made eye contact during the golden disk awards bc he was being a lil shit hdsjhfjds

"hey what if i keep staring at you during the melon so we can get into a scandal?"

"hyuck this is supposed to be a secret relationship-"

"yeah but-"

jokes on u he actually does stare at you at the next award show and thankfully did not get into any scandals, but fans started to ship the both of you!

na jaemin

the true unbothered king

literally does not care that you are shipped with someone else

because he knows that he is yours and vice versa

and plus you love him a lot so

he finds out from chenle, who did it out of spite because one day chenle was bored and wanted to cause some chaos

boi basically ran up to jaemin to shove an edit of you and treasurer's junkyu together and went like

"look hyung! ur gf is being shipped with someone eLsE"

"oh that's weird"

"rigHT"

"I thought people shipped her with treasurer's hyunsuk"

chenle is like

HUH???

"aren't you like,, jeaolous??"

jaemin just shrugs and says "hmm, not really"

jaemin knows that you are good friends wth a lot of idols because you're a social butterfly

so he truly doesn't mind when you get shipped with other idols bc in the end , he's the one holding you in his arms

plus he knows the edits and shippers are mostly harmless

and he trusts you

so he just fucks around with chenle jkldsfj

chenle is still confused bc he wants to rile jaemin up for fun but failed hjdshf

zhong chenle

if you thought haechan was dramatic, then you better buckle up for chenle's

so you see

fans already shipped u and chenle

like

y'all already have a dating scandal

and both companies tried so hard to defuse it

see you are an mc for a music show and you were interviewing nct dream

chenle, being the lil shit he is, kept giving you the heart eyes the entire time

and 6 months later, y'all got caught by dispatch on a daTe

ofc both sides were panicking but chenle was enjoying bc he's like "yeah this is my s/o and what abt it"

but y'all still had a dating ban so sm was this close in kicking him hfdsjfh

fortunately, they were able to cover it up as someone else so there's that

so chenle is aware that fans shipped the both of you together

so when he sees you being shipped with stray kid's jeongin

he was like "HOW DARE THEY-"

calls you to complain about the ship for 3 hours

and that is how you found out as well-

literally you don't even know jeongin so you just let chenle complain about it

he goes on and on about why fans should continue to ship y'all together so when he reveals the relationship the fans will be surprised but also not really at the same time-

"should i get into another scandal with you?"

"chenle no-"

park jisung

oh baby boy is going to be very, very confused

i mean he knows that shipping is a thing between fans

he's just confused why ppl would ship you and p1harmony's keeho

like you have never interacted with him so why would fans ship the both of y'all??

the dreamies mostly tell him to not take it serious but the chenle and haechan would egg him on

"get into a dating scandal with them"

"guys no-"

he wouldn't tell you that it bothers him because he doesn't want you laughing at him, worrying over a small issue

so honestly, it lowkey eats him up on the inside

until one day, you basically force it out of him because he's been acting weird for the past week

he finally confesses about the what's bothering him

and you tell him that you wouldn't have laughed at him

you know shipping idols is a common thing in the industry and sometimes it's uncomfortable knowing it when you're already in a relationship

but you also tell him that it's basically harmless because fans can't really force the both of y'all together

jisung would be insecure about the relationship because it's kinda of his first? so he just doesn't want to mess it up

just reassure him a lot and tell him that you won't leave him

and as time goes by, he just gets used to the shipping

[dicecast]

End of Evangeline doesn’t know itself

     So a major theme of End of Eva is a giant “Fuck you” to Otaku culture and the Eva fandom in particular, and it is designed to strike directly at their creepy sense of entitlement, their insecurity, their extreme sexism, and their total spinelessness.  Shinji as the audience stand in is shown as basically a Gamergater, an insecure, shrill loser whose mass of insecurities make him impossible to be reasoned with and his internalized fear of rejection means that he can’t have normal relationship with people, in particular women.  Even the things he likes he destroys through his obsession and sense of ownership, such as when he masturbates to completion over the unconscious body of his friend who was wounded in battle.  It serves as a pretty good critic of Otaku culture and the entire creepy obsessive nerd fandom that surrounds it, and it is a really pointed response to the fandom who hated the original ending because it wasn’t a combat filled wish fulfillment fantasy.  So it is taking their self insert character and revealing him to be what the fandom is, a pathetic weakling who projects his insecurities on those around him rather than make any real attempt to face his problems directly.  Solid premise, and a nice way of calling out Nice Guy bullshit.  

Here is the problem....Shinji has never been a self insert character

(Pictured, not a power fantasy) 

     So the thing about Eva is that as much as people remember the weird existentialist shit, the vast majority of the show is....a pretty standard mecha anime (by which I mean its bad...its really bad).  It isn’t until the the show has to rewrite its own script and Ano has a mental breakdown that the show really starts to get interesting and actually worth a damn, but but most of the time it kinda is just standard.  The characters are bit better written than their arch type demands, but until the last few episodes Asuka, Rei, Misato and Ritsuko (all the other characters are terrible) are still very much their ‘role’, Asuka is still a Tsundere tough loud girl trope, Misato is the party girl/cool mom character, Rei is the quiet girl etc etc you get the idea.  They are better written than most, but they are still very much their arch type until the ending where suddenly they show their true selves.....

(once upon a time there wasn’t a standard trope)

     Except Shinji.  Shinji from the start stands out like a sore thumb in the whole process because...he isn’t an anime hero.  He really isn’t a hero at all, not in a moral sense, a mythic sense, or even a personal sense.  And he knows it too, I know the ‘reluctant hero” trope is a thing, but there is no protagonist ever who just wants to stay home and not go on an advnture as much as Shinji.  Now I hated the first episode of EVA....a lot, like I really really hated that opening episode, and if I wasn’t being paid I likely wouldn’t have kept going, but there was one moment where I kinda woke up and was like “huh.....thats....not what I expected’.  Which is when Gendo (aka worse character in the series) is like “You must accept your destiny” and Shinji is like “no”....not out of any moral sense or dramatic rejection, or even refusal of the call, but simply because he....is too emotionally depressed.  I mean compare this to Buffy, a character who is introduced Refusing the Call

   (Buffy, another main character who isn’t appreciated enough by the fans) 

 Buffy is rejecting the call but she is already a hero, and she is rejecting it for other responsibilities, and even then her desire to fight evil is just so strong she can’t stay home, she is a hero at heart who is just rejecting herself Shinji is not, Shinji is the least heroic person in the world suddenly being told he has to save the world and if he fucks up everybody dies.  

      Now remember, we don’t know who these characters are, we just met them but...when the fuck in anime does the main character be told out right that he is the chosen one and he has a destiny to save the world and the main character basically says “I am too emotionally unhealthy for this, please come back later”.   LIke the Refusal of the Call isn’t suppose to come until later in the story line, and Shinji is just so pathologically uninterested in being a hero that honestly....that was interesting.  Shinji gets a lot of hate but personally, for most of the show he was the one thing that kinda worked for me, the one character who was just so...not what the show wanted him to be that he stood out.  I mean lets talk about Shinji

(pictured...a power fantasy)

    Shinji is a deeply emotionally unhealthy sad person who has extremely low self esteem and has absolutely no spine, passively doing what other people tell him to do and basically living his life on an insecurity based auto pilot.  I think my absolute favorite scene is where it is shown that he practices the cello  every day and is asked if he liked it and he doesn’t have an answer.  And when asked why he practices, he is says he was told to practice when he was a kid so he he just does...this guy is just on inertia his whole life.  But the thing is, SHinji knows it.  He is acutely aware of his own failings, but has no sense of direction, will, or frankly audience to know what to do with it, and everybody around him seems to be either trying to use him, or is convinced that if he just gets more material rewards he doesn't’ care about he will get better on his own.  Instead he just becomes more and more insecure and avoidant until the last two episodes which are about him finally learning to value himself, at least a little. What is interesting about Shinji is that just kinda wants to...merge with the world around him (if you like the Enneagrams, Shinji is the Platonic 9 btw).  I mean that line “unfamiliar ceiling”, Shinji hates change, he hates disruption, he hates messiness, and he hates activity, and that is basically what his life is now, what SHinji likes to do is just kinda zone out.  And Singularity is actually...kinda appealing to him, its merging, its becoming one with a larger group, and losing individuality, and Shinji has been trying to give up on his own individuality since before the show started.  So his learning to acknowledge himself as an individual is the pivotal part of his story. 

     Ok, that’s nice and all, but other than my assertion that Shinji is the best character in the show and the internet is wrong, what is the point?  Well Shinji has never been a power fantasy self insert character, in fact that I think that is why people hate him so much, they want to have the fun mecha show and Shinji is there being sad.  I mean the argument against Shinji is always “stop being EMO and just do something already, you are piloting a mech what reason do you have to be sad’ but the thing is, what the audience wants to fantasize about and what Shinji want are just..opposite.  The teenage male audience is like 

“Omg, it would be so awesome if i could be the chosen one who gets to fight the big monsters and everybody thinks i’m awesome, and I live in a house with two hot ladies who are weirdly into me and often walk around without clothes and everybody at school thinks i’m cool and then I win and become the hero of the world, all by beating the shit out of things in a giant mech, ITS AWESOME”

and Shinji is like

“....why would anybody want any of those things?  Now i’m just sad”

(Shinji doesn’t like Mecha Anime and neither should you) 

Shinji’s existence is actively fucking with the power fantasy of the mecha anime, because what the audience is suppose to like he is indifferent too, he never enjoys any of the things that make up the power fantasy.  And that’s partly because Shinji doesn’t enjoy anything, but he really isn’t a self insert power fantasy character because he is just such a fucking downer.  So while I appreciate giving the finger to Otaku culture (trust me I do), personifying the audience fan base in Shinji is just...wrong.  Because Shinji already is a rejection of the audience, everything they want he rejects in favor of sitting in his room staring at the ceiling.  If Ano wanted to make that point, Shinji isn’t the tool to use it for, because Shinji isn’t what they idealize.  

   Which leads to the larger problem cause....Well, Shinji from the show just...isn’t Shinji from the movie, they don’t behave that way at all.  True Shinji (show) is deeply flawed, but he would never masturbate over somebody, even if he had the desire, he would chicken out and do it at home.  And while Shinji is a deeply fucked up person who does have issues with women, he never displays that kind of entitlement and sense of ownership towards his friends that he does in the movie.  Shinji is deeply insecure about sex yes and he does check out the women around him, but his response to that is mostly shame and self loathing (his response to fucking everything), not a sense of ownership.  Honestly, if anything, they claim ownership over him, Asuka clearly has a crush on him (its mutual) and actively pressures him into kissing her (he fucks it up because of course he does) and despite being his guardian, Misato actively hits on Shinji like....a lot

(erm...what)

     Honestly, its really uncomfortable, when you watch this show as a teenage boy its like “oh the hot grown up how is COOL and confident and hip and drinks, and is confident about sex is into you, holy crap” but looking back, its kinda fucked up, I mean Misato is his boss and guardian and unlike with Asuka, Shinji doesn’t seem comfrotable with how much he hits on her.  He checks her out and fantasizes about her cause he is like 14, but the dynamic obviously makes him uncomfortable, he is attracted to her sexually but clearly the power dynamic is weird also why the fuck is she hitting on a 14 year old, she is like 28 i mean come on.  My point is, that in the show, while Shinji does have a weird relationship to the women in his life and really should question some of his sexist assumptions, he isn’t the type of larval form MRA as shown in the movie, that type of naked aggression towards women as a group just isn’t shown as part of his behavior.  I mean Shinji can (and does) do many awful thing, but having an object of affection who he feels so possessive of that he attempts to strangle her in order to vent his frustrations isn’t in his character.  I mean in terms of violating people’s boundries and showing lack of care for their feelings...in the show that is mostly happening to Shinji.  I mean Misako and Asuka really never take his feelings into account about anything and while he does the same to them (again show Shinji isn’t a good person) he just wants to go to his room, they keep aggressively making him uncomfortable.  And i’m not saying they are bad (well I am kinda saying that about Misato) just that this isn’t a dynamic or mindset Shinji displays, he isn’t an aggressive Otaku fanboy seeking a power tribe or sex, he is a deeply disturbed person who wants to hide in his room.  

Movie Shinji is effectively an entirely new character, or rather it is Shinji being written wrong, in essence its like if the character Shinji was possessed by the desires and insecurities of the fandom rather than his own, so he has all of his passivity and cowardice, but over entirely different issues.  The emotional climax of End of Eva is the women in his life actively calling him out for being an entitled selfish person who expects women to fix his problems and blames them for not being perfectly clear with him about their intentions, women existing to suit his needs. Asuka in particular makes a point about how Shinji doesn’t even care about her because of anything about her, he just wants to go after her because he feels he has a chance and is too afraid of rejection to go after anybody else.  He snaps once Asuka calls him a coward, which is a direct fuck you to the Otaku fandom, people who are obsessed with stories about heroism but are in fact cowards themselves.  

(cough)

     Meanwhile in the show, Shinji already knows he is a coward, in fact he knows it so deeply and it is so internalized that he basically doesn’t function, and the message he needs to take is “yes, you are a coward, but that isn’t an absolute term, that can change.  Anything about you can change if you recognize that you can change it.  And most importantly, even if you are a coward, you can still love yourself.”   I am not being original when I say these endings are exactly the opposite, because Shinji is a different character.  And while I am totally fine calling out Otaku culture because its a fucking dumpster fire, the point doesn’t actually work because Shinji isn’t the character you want to use to deliver that message.   Shinji isn’t that fandom, so having him be their mouthpiece means that it comes off as incoherent rather than righteous.  

   And also.....Otaku culture’s relationship to women is really fucked up but lets be honest here, the screwed up sexual politics of EVA isn’t just the fandom, Rei, Asuka, and Misato are all extremely sexualized from the word go by the series itself, and there is a TON of fanboy-ism within the original show.  The Fans aren’t making this shit up, they are taking it from the show itself.  So it comes off as kinda hypocritical to call them out, even if Ano is entirely correct to do so.

      End of Eva is just like the original show, it has some solid points but the entire show is too much of an incoherent mess to really pull them off, and the subtext of the movie (The toxic and obsessive nature of Otaku fan culture leads to selfishness, bitterness, and destroying the thing you love) has nothing to do with the text (Random christian imagery and giant robots being eaten).  But the show worked better because its subtext was largely consistent, everything else in the show might be a mess, but Shinji from start to finish is the exact same sad sack he has always been, and the resolution hinges on him....not doing that anymore.  There is a consistent thread in an otherwise inconsistent show, and that is Shinji, as fucking......I can’t even say.

     This is why End of Eva doesn’t work, it doesn’t have a core to wrap its point around, and so it has all the terrible thing the show has, without the one thread to redeem it.  Trust me, it is much better to hear End of Eva summarized then seen, while I honestly recommend the last two episodes of the show to anybody (not the rest of the show necessarily).  I mean Eva is a mess generally, but the show at least has something it wants to say, while the movie is mostly just vomiting..emotions.

    Actually legit, you know how Shinji builds up anger all day long and then kinda vomits it out at random points (9)?  Yeah, I kinda feel Ano is doing the same, End of Eva is basically a temper tantrum and he is breaking all of his toys, this is slightly excused because the people who pissed him off are literally the worse but still.........End of Eva is basically an emotional breakdown on film, which is interesting but not enjoyable.