#((because I need to pack all my stuff to move out before my rent ends next week o<-<))< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[tejennnn]

I got some Turkish sweets! Decided to take a photo with the APH Türkiye keychain right before devouring both of them :d

[tortillamastersblog]

♕ The Proposal | Lena Luthor ♕

Pairing: Lena Luthor x reader

Warnings: none, just pure fluff

Summary: You finally pluck up the courage to propose to Lena, but it doesn’t go as planned.

Masterlist

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I’ve done a lot of nerve wracking things in my life, especially during my time in the Army, but nothing could have ever prepared me for the nervousness and stress that comes with a proposal.

The constant sneaking around, organizing everything without Lena knowing, and worst of all, hoping she’ll say yes in the end.

“It’ll be okay.” Harper tries to reassure me for the hundredth time as she follows me around my gym while I organize some stuff. “Lena is head over heels for you. I’ll be dammed if she doesn’t say yes.“

“But—“

She throws up her hands and slaps my shoulder. “No buts, Y/N. You’ll propose, Lena will say yes, and that’s that! You two will live happily ever after and I will have to learn how to live with your lovey-dovey behavior for the rest of my life.”

I sigh and set down the punching bag I just took down. “Okay, okay. . .”

I’m still super nervous, but she’s right. Lena will almost definitely say yes since she’s been hinting that she wants me to propose for some time now, but there’s still a chance that she’ll say no after all.

“So, what’s the plan?” Harper asks when we make our way back to my office.

It’s Friday afternoon and I closed the gym a couple of minutes ago and because Harper wanted to see me before the proposal tomorrow she decided to stop by.

I shuffle some paper around on my desk, looking for a certain contract I’ve been meaning to sign and say, “I’m taking her to the beach house I rented tonight and then I’m going to propose on the beach tomorrow morning.“

Harper squeals and claps excitedly. “That’s perfect! She’s going to love it. A walk on the beach, just the two of you. . .” She sighs dreamily. “She’s one lucky lady.”

I laugh softly, finally finding the contract and signing it. “I’m the lucky one.”

Harper sighs again and nods. “You’re both lucky. You’re literally perfect for each other.”

“Thank you.” I smile at her and square away everything on my desk before grabbing my bag.

“You better text me as soon as she’s said yes tomorrow, I need a reason to open that fancy champagne Luke got,” she says, trailing behind me as I make my way out of the gym.

Luke is her new boyfriend. He’s sweet and kind, and reminds me a lot of Noah. They’ve been dating for nearly a year now, and I’m sure Noah would approve of him as his “replacement”.

It took a while for Harper to move on because at first she felt like she was somehow betraying Noah by dating again, but as time went on she stopped feeling guilty and now she’s as happy as I’ve ever seen her.

“I will, I promise,” I say. We walk to my parked car and I ask Harper if she needs a ride home, but she declines.

“No, no. I’ll take the subway. You just get home to Lena,” she says, giving me a hug. “And remember—“

“To text you, yeah, I got it.” I cut her off with a chuckle and get in my car, waving at her before driving off.

The drive home goes by faster than anticipated because there’s barely any traffic and before I know it I’m unlocking the front door of my apartment.

I got a new one after returning to National City from Metropolis because the old one just held too many memories and Lena’s been living with me for the last one and a half years.

“I’m home!” I shout, toeing off my shoes at the door and dropping my bag on the floor.

Lena’s reply is almost instant and it makes me smile. “I’m in the bedroom, Darling.”

I tap my thighs nervously and make my way to her, finding her where she said she’d be with a half packed bag on the bed. I didn’t tell her where we were going when I sprung this weekend getaway on her, but she didn’t mind. She’s just excited to get out of the city for a while and I can’t blame her because over the last month she worked extra hard on a new invention before presenting it to the public.

“Hey, how was work?” she asks with a smile when she sees me. The loose jeans and hoodie she’s wearing are a far cry from the things she used to wear when she was CEO of L-Corp and I can tell she’s way more comfortable like this. She still works hard, but she gets a lot more down time and the most important thing is that she gets to work on whatever she wants.

I close the distance between us and peck her lips in greeting before answering. “Good, I closed up earlier so we could get on the road.” I tuck a strand of dark hair that escaped her braid behind her ear and hum against her lips when she kisses me again. “You ready yet?”

“Almost,” she mumbles into the kiss. “Five more minutes.”

I smile and pull back. “It’s okay. No rush.“

“Thank you.”

She gets back to packing and I leave her to it, making sure I’ve got everything as well by going through my own bag out in the hall.

The ring box is shoved inside one of my sneakers because I didn’t know where else to put it. Lena is known to go through my stuff to find something cozy to wear and shoes are the only thing she can’t steal from me, so that was the best hiding place I could come up with.

My hands are already sweating thinking about her potentially finding it and when she emerges from the bedroom a minute or so later I jump involuntarily.

“You alright?” she asks and I nod quickly, taking the bag from her and picking up my own stuff to carry it all down to the car.

“I’m okay, just lost in though,” I say, kissing her cheek. “So? Ready to go?”

“Yes.” She smiles and we put on our shoes before making our way to the car.

Lena gets into the passenger seat and I load our bags into the trunk. When I get into the car as well, starting it and pulling onto the road, Lena takes my right hand and laces our fingers together.

“How was your lunch with Kara and James?” I ask, keeping my eyes on the road.

“Good. We went to that Italian restaurant on 5th and— Oh! Kara’s finally been promoted to Editor in Chief.”

My eyes widen but I keep focusing on the road. “Really? I mean, it’s about damn time, but still.”

Lena nods eagerly and out of the corner of my eye I can see the proud smile on her face. “I know, and James got a dog a week ago. He was almost as happy about it as Kara about her promotion.”

That makes me laugh as I make a right turn onto the highway out of the city. “Well, he’s got his priorities straight.”

Lena laughs as well, agreeing, and for the rest of the drive up the coast the car is filled with small talk and stolen kisses at red lights.

When we got to the beach house last night, Lena couldn’t stop gawking. It was truly beautiful and we roamed around the property and explored the house before having some dinner.

I payed the owner of the house to stock the fridge with a couple of things before our arrival, which he gladly did, so we cooked together and had some wine.

After that, we each took a hot shower before heading to bed.

I almost lunged at Lena when she went through my bag to look for something cozy to sleep in, which made her frown and laugh at the same time. Luckily, she didn’t find the ring, but she came close to it and the adrenaline that cursed through me after that kept me from falling asleep for several hours.

Blissfully unaware, Lena slept through the night though, and when she woke up this morning she teased me about looking tired and told me I needed to take some more time off than just a weekend.

Now, after a hearty breakfast and some coffee, we’re strolling along the beach with intertwined hands.

Lena keeps talking about an upcoming project, and I try my best to listen, but every time I feel the ring box shift in my pocket, I get distracted.

This is it. I’m going to propose. . .

There is no one around, and even though I’m glad about it, I can’t help but realize it’s because of the weather.

It’s the end of September and the weather for this weekend was supposed to be good, but it seems as though mother nature had her own plans.

The sky is overcast and a cold breeze has forced Lena and me to keep our shoes on and wear thick sweaters.

This is not what I had planned, but I will make the best of it. Besides, Lena doesn’t seem to mind the weather. When we left the house earlier the first thing she did was close her eyes and relish in the breeze that swept her hair out of her face.

I wonder if she likes it because it reminds her of Ireland and her mother, or because it’s just been a warm summer and she enjoys that it’s finally cooling off.

We continue walking, clinging to each other for a bit of warmth until Lena suddenly stops.

“Darling? Are you alright?”

“Hmm?” I look at her with wide eyes, feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

Did I miss something? Was I supposed to agree to whatever she was saying? Was she asking me something?

Lena frowns and raises a hand to touch my cheek gently. “You’ve been distracted all morning,” she says, adding, “And you’re jumpy,” when I jerk away from her other hand that comes close to the pocket the ring is in.

“I’m not—“ I shut my mouth almost instantly when she raises her eyebrow, looking unimpressed.

Right. I forgot she can read me like a book.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, once again looking concerned. “Did something happen at work? Or did I—“

“No!” Her eyes widen. “I mean, no. . .Nothing happened at work and you definitely didn’t do anything wrong.”

Shit, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. She really hasn’t done anything wrong, I’m just nervous.

“Okay. . .” she looks skeptical and goes to take her hand off my face again, but I’m quick to grab it with my free hand and keep it there.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize quietly, closing my eyes for a moment.

“Hey, no. . . Don’t apologize.” She steps closer and lets go of my other hand to properly cup my cheeks. “I’m just worried about you. What’s going on?”

I open my eyes again to find her already looking at me with nothing but worry written all over her face, and let out a shuddering breath.

“I’m. . . nervous,” I admit which seems to only worsen her confusion and worry. She tries to step even closer, but I can’t risk her feeling the ring in my pocket, so I shuffle back.

“Y/N, why are you—?”

I cut her off by pecking her lips gently before stepping out of her reach completely. For a moment hurt flashes across her face, but then her eyes get drawn to my hand when I reach into my pocket.

I guess I’m proposing right now. I can’t lie to her, and I was planning on proposing in the next few minutes anyway. I was just hoping to initiate it a little differently.

I take the ring box out of my pocket but keep my fingers wrapped around it, preventing Lena from seeing anything. Her curiosity has definitely been sparked though, and her eyes keep darting between my hand and my eyes.

“What’s that?” she asks quietly, but I don’t answer. Instead I take a deep breath before smiling tentatively.

“Lena. . .” Her name effortlessly rolls off my tongue and something in the way I say it makes realization wash over her. Her eyes widen and she takes her own step back, raising her hands to cover her mouth in shock.

Oh God. Is that a good or a bad sign? Maybe I should have waited till we got back to the house? Or maybe I shouldn’t have planned this in the first place.

Does she even want to get married? Of course she does! She’s been straight up telling me to propose for a while now.

But what if she doesn’t like the ring? Will she still say yes? Oh God I hope so. Sam and Ruby helped me pick it out. Right. Sam and Ruby. I promised I’d call them too. . .

“Y/N?”

Lena’s shaky voice snaps me out of my thoughts and when I focus back on her I see she’s already got tears in her eyes. Her hands are no longer covering her mouth because she’s now got them balled into fists and tucked under her chin.

“Shit. . . Right.” I clear my throat a couple of times.

Focus, Y/N!

“Lena. . .” I start again, clenching the ring box in my hand. “This wasn’t how I was planning on doing this, but I guess it’s happening now, so. . . The last two and a half years were the best years of my life.” I laugh softly, nervously, before going on. “After I got back to Metropolis, I knew the first thing I wanted to do was see you, so I did. The way your whole face lit up when you opened your front door. . . It told me everything I needed to know. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, so I asked you out right then and there and—hmpf!”

Lena’s lips on my own take me by surprise and I almost drop the ring when she throws her arms around my neck.

“Yes!” She laughs and cries into the kiss, frantically pulling me closer. “A million times, yes!”

Relief like none I’ve ever felt before washes over me and I relax instantly, kissing her back with a not so contained smile.

She wants to marry me! She actually said yes! Wait, I didn’t even ask her yet.

I pull back despite her protest and nudge my nose against hers. “You didn’t even let me finish.”

“You don’t have to,” she pants, brushing her lips against mine again.

“But I want to,” I complain against her lips which makes her smile and pull back. I expect her to say something, but she just looks at me expectantly with her bright eyes, so I unwrap her arms from around my neck and step back again.

I take a shuddering breath and sink down onto one knee. Tears fill my eyes at the way she looks at me with so much love and longing, but I don’t bother to get rid of them.

I had this whole speech planned out, and just a moment ago I did want to finish it, but now I just want to ask her to marry me.

I uncurl my fingers from around the ring box and open it, revealing the ring to Lena who sobs happily at the sight of it.

“Lena Kieran Luthor, ” I whisper over the sound of the breeze and the waves crashing onto the beach next to us, “will you marry me?”

She nods frantically and wipes at her eyes. “Yes. I already told you. A million times, yes.”

I take the ring out of the box with a sniffle and get back to my feet, smiling through my own tears. Lena immediately gives me her hand and once I’ve slid the ring onto her finger, she’s once again kissing me like her life depends on it.

I happily kiss her back, ignoring the way her tears land on my cheeks until I realize the it’s not just her tears I’m feeling on my skin.

“Shit.” I dig my fingers into her hips and look up at the sky with narrowed eyes.

It’s raining. This is really not how envisioned the day would go.

I look back down expecting Lena to be upset by the change in weather, but she’s just smiling, unbothered by the ever increasing amount of rain.

“I love you,” she says, standing on her tip toes to kiss me again.

I hum against her lips. “I love you, too, but we should head back to the house, I don’t want you to get sick.”

She nods and pecks my lips agains before grabbing my hand. “Yeah, let’s go.”

We stumbled over the beach, hand in hand, kissing occasionally until we get back to the house, completely drenched.

The rain has turned into a full blown storm now and I’m quick to get some towels so we don’t ruin the nice wooden floors on our way to the bathroom.

“Wait!” Lena says when I pick her up to carry her upstairs.

I raise an eyebrow and tilt my head in question. “What?”

“We have to celebrate,” she chuckles, brushing some wet strands of hair off my forehead.

“We will,” I say with a smirk, but she just shakes her head with a playful whine.

“No, not like that, although I’m not opposed to it later,” she explains, tightening her legs around my hips. “There’s champagne in the fridge.”

Ah, yes. She saw that last night and asked me about it and when I just brushed it off and said the landlord must have forgotten it, she believed me. Now it’s obvious why it’s there though and I can’t blame her for wanting to open it.

“Right, okay. Into the kitchen we go then,” I say with a chuckle. I carry her into the kitchen and set her down on the counter before grabbing the champagne from the fridge.

We look absolutely ridiculous in our wet clothes, and things didn’t at all go as planned, but that’s what makes this moment even more special.

I set two glasses onto the counter next to her and loosen the cork on the bottle, but then Lena wraps her legs around me and pulls me closer before swooping down and kissing me softly.

Her lips are just too damn distracting and all I can focus on is her and not the way the cork loosens. That is until she pulls back and it goes flying with a pop, hitting me in the face right above my left eye.

I yelp and lift a hand to press my palm against my eye, almost dropping the champagne bottle in the process. “Ow!”

“Oh my God.” Lena takes the bottle from me and sets it next to the glasses. “Are you okay, Baby?”

I want to snap and say no because it really hurts, but then the ridiculousness of the situation makes me smile involuntarily until I’m chuckling and shaking my head in disbelief. “I’ll live.”

A smile is tugging at Lena’s lips too, and when she grabs my wrist to see my eye she sighs in relief. “I think so, too. It’s a little red, but it shouldn’t bruise. You’re lucky it didn’t hit your eye directly. Here, let me kiss it better.”

She grasps my jaw and pulls me forward so she can brush her lips against the offended skin. I smile and let her do her thing as the pain subsides, leaving a dull ache in its wake.

“Better?” she asks and I nod.

“Totally. . . Now, where were we?” I grab the bottle again and fill the two glasses, handing one to Lena before taking my own. “To us?”

She beams and clinks her glass against mine. “To us. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I take a sip and set the glass back down, not waiting until she’s finished before pulling her off the counter again.

She squeaks in surprise and wraps her arms and legs around me, spilling some champagne down my back.

“Y/N!” She doesn’t get to set the glass down because I start carrying her out of the kitchen. “What are you doing?!”

“Taking you upstairs so we can have a bath.” I bend down in the hallway so she can place her glass on a random dresser.

“But what about celebrating?” she complains with a playful pout and I’m quick to kiss it away as I make my way upstairs.

“We can do that in the bath, too.” I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively but pause to see if she’s okay with it.

She just rolls her eyes and nods, her eyes sparkling mischievously. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

I laugh and press a kiss to her neck, making my way to the bathroom. “I know.”

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This one was very short and sweet, but I needed a break from all the Back To You angst.

*not proofread yet

[elizabethwritesmen]

i don’t want you like a best friend

┏ •◦இ•◦ ┓

Pairing: College!Steve Harrington x Reader ALSO Ghostface!Steve x Witch!Reader (costumes)

Summary: You’re in Indiana for college. You just happen to be roommates with Steve Harrington’s best friend, Robin. This is a list of the times you bumped into him, starting with July move in day and ending with a friend’s Halloween party.

Warnings/Notes (PLEASE READ) : SMUT 18+, pining, friends to lovers, Robin being intrusive, Robin’s parents also being intrusive, angst, Halloween if ur into that, ghostface!Steve x Witch!reader (costumes obv), also if ur name is Grace this isn’t the fic for you just trust me on this, this is semi-modern I don’t mention time periods at all but I also made no attempt at historical accuracy so do with that what u will. it’s all make believe it doesn’t rlly matter imo. also this is a college au so I made up college friends for them! ALSO i have plans for another halloween fic, a super spooky super sexy one, but it will go up late prob sometime in late. november because i’ve put all my energy into this one and staying alive lol. enjoy! <3

┗ •◦இ•◦ ┛

•Move In Day

I stared blankly at the boxes in front of me. The U-Haul I’d rented was jam packed with furniture and all of my belongings, leaving barely enough room to breathe.

For some reason, I thought it would be easy. I thought I could girl-boss it, get it done, all in a few hours’ work. Clearly I was temporarily insane when I came to that conclusion. Oh, well. Now I didn’t have a choice.

I sucked in a deep breath before resigning myself to my fate and starting.

I carried in the lightest stuff first, wanting to get it out of the way. I figured once I got through all the heavy stuff, I wouldn’t have any energy left for it, so might as well do it first. I got about four boxes upstairs, and I was bringing up a fifth and sixth, when I noticed the door already opened. I was sure I had shut it.

I walked in to see a girl and a guy, both around my age. She was dancing around, placing boxes of her own on the other side of the room. I cleared my throat gently, placing my boxes on the rest of my things.

She snapped out of her trance and her eyes landed on me. As did those of the guy she was with.

“Oh, hi!” She smiled brightly, “You just be my roommate!”

“Must be,” I sent her a polite smile in return, but mine was a lot more shy and reserved, “I’m Y/N.”

“I’m Robin, and this is my best friend Steve,” she introduced, “He’s helping me get all my things up here.”

“Oh, nice to meet you both. Let me know if I can help with anything!” I offered.

“Oh no, that’s fine, I’m sure you have your hands full! Are your parents here helping you?”

“No, just me. I’m new here, so… I don’t really have anyone,” I shrugged, preparing to head back downstairs when she stopped me.

“Hey, wait!”

I turned around, staring at her expectantly, eager to get back to carrying my boxes upstairs. I didn’t want to be rude, but.. there were so many.

“My parents will be here soon to help me, so why don’t you steal Steve?”

“Oh,” I stuttered, looking to Steve, “I couldn’t ask you to help me. Really, it’s fine, I can get it.”

“It’s no trouble,” he shrugged, “I’d like to. I’d hate for you to have to carry everything up by yourself. Besides, any roommate of Robin’s is a friend of mine.”

I breathed out a little chuckle and nodded, “If you insist.”

He followed me to the elevator, pressing the button for me and walking on after me. I expected awkward silence but there was none, he didn’t allow a single lull between his questions. He wanted to know everything, where I was from, what made me choose the school, what kinds of things I was into.

“Do you go here, too?” I asked him as we approached the U-Haul.

“Yes, I moved in yesterday. Robin helped me get everything to my dorm, but I’m on the first floor, so it was super easy. I figured I should help her anyway, though, even though she doesn’t need it.”

“She might not need it, but extra help is always appreciated. Or any help.”

“Is that your way of thanking me for helping you?”

“Well, it was either that or bake you a cake and there isn’t an oven in the dorm.”

“Raincheck on the cake, then,” he chuckled.

We talked the entire way back up, and I was shocked at how easy it came. I didn’t expect to click so well with him, and I silently prayed it’d be the same with Robin.

“There you two are,” she smiled as we walked back in, “Did he talk your ear off?”

“No,” I shrugged, “He talked the normal amount.”

“Yeah, the normal amount for a 6 year old on a road trip.”

Their dynamic was nice. They picked on each other, sure, but it was all friendly.

On the second trip down, Steve told me about his life. His high school experience, his hobbies, his hair. His friendship with Robin. I couldn’t tell whether or not there was something more than friendship there. I couldn’t help the small part of me that hoped not, Steve was really handsome and the nicest person I’d met in a while. But I definitely didn’t want to overstep any boundaries, and I was much too shy to ask. Besides, a guy like him probably wouldn’t want anything to do with me anyway.

By the time we got back up to the dorm, Robin’s parents were there.

“Oh hello,” her mom smiled, “You must be the roommate! Y/N, right?”

“Yes ma’am,” I responded.

“Well I’m Robin’s mom, Melissa, and this is her Dad, Richard. It’s so nice to meet you! Oh, you’re just so pretty!”

“Thank you,” I grinned, a little overwhelmed with how nice the woman was being. She was pretty, much like Robin, and she’d aged well. But she also had a warmth about her that was comforting, welcoming even.

An hour later, they had all of Robin’s things up and unpacked. They didn’t even ask if I wanted help finishing up, they just got to work, carrying the last of my things up with Steve and beginning to open boxes.

“You guys really don’t have to do all this,” I mumbled, sheepishly. I always felt awful accepting help, overwhelmed with gratefulness to the point of guilt.

“Oh, hush!” her mom laughed, “We want to!”

It only took another hour to have everything in its place, and we all stared proudly at our handiwork.

“Thank you all so much for your help,” I smiled at the group.

“Of course!” Mr. Buckley patted me on the back, his grin charming, “And if you ever need anything else, you call us! Now, how about we all go get something to eat? I think we’ve worked up enough of an appetite!”

I at first assumed I wasn’t invited because, well, it’s Robin’s family and Steve has apparently been her best friend for years so he’s basically family too. I was new in all this and definitely didn’t expect to be having dinner with all of them. But when they all walked towards the door and I hung back, everyone turned to me, matching confusion on their faces.

“Come on,” Robin chuckled, “You think we’re gonna let you starve after all the work we just did?”

And just like that, we all piled into Mrs. Buckley’s car. I was squished in the middle between Robin and Steve. I wanted to give her the middle because she was so small, but she told me she would feel carsick from Steve’s cologne and she’d rather have the window seat.

“What’re you kids in the mood for?” Mrs Buckley asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Steve responded, and Robin and I agreed.

“I think there’s a barbecue joint a few miles down the road, let’s stop there,” Mr Buckley decided, turning to the back seat, “I know Robin and Steve like that, but is it okay with you, Y/N?”

“Of course,” I nodded, still shocked to be included in the dynamic.

Mrs Buckley almost missed the driveway to the restaurant and she slammed on her brakes and turned in at the last second, throwing me gracelessly into Steve, my seatbelt the only thing keeping me off his lap. He caught me swiftly as he himself hit the door, making sure I didn’t hurt myself in the commotion.

I risked a glance at him to see his eyes peering into mine, concerned and a bit discombobulated from the startle of it all.

“You okay?” he asked, and I nodded, staring down at his arm that was still around me. He cleared his throat, setting me upright in my seat as we pulled into a parking spot.

I turned to Robin, taking note of the huge smirk on her face. She was looking past me, eyes on Steve. Must’ve been some kind of inside joke I wasn’t part of yet.

We all walked inside together, and the hostess sat us at a booth, pulling an extra chair up to the end of it. I went to sit in it when Robin stopped me.

“Remember what I said about Steve’s cologne? And I get claustrophobic. You’d better sit by him, I’ll take the extra chair.”

I nodded slightly, sliding into the booth and letting Steve slide in beside me. I didn’t understand what the big deal was about his cologne, it wasn’t that strong. It was subtle but sweet, cinnamon overwhelming my senses and filling me with a warmth and comfort I craved. The kind of cologne that, when someone passes you wearing it, you stop and take a deep breath in, soak it up for all it’s worth.

Robin’s mom and dad, and Robin herself, were all giving Steve that strange smirk now, and I suddenly felt left out. I guess they were all in on the joke. Unlucky me.

We made small talk while we looked over the menus, picking what we wanted to eat.

“What’re you gonna get?” Steve asked, and I had to look up to realize his question was just for me. Robin and her parents were talking amongst themselves, completely ignoring us.

“I don’t know, probably just chicken fingers. I’m picky when I try new places.”

“Lame,” he tapped me in the ribs and joked, and I squirmed against his touch.

“It’s not lame! It’s a classic!”

“Let me guess, macaroni on the side?” he raised a brow, and I stared sheepishly at my lap, causing him to chuckle, “You’re pretty predictable, Grace.”

“That’s not my name,” I furrowed my brows at him.

“It’s a nickname. You know, Grace. ‘Cause you fell on me in the car. It’s irony.”

“Giving me nicknames already? My, how our friendship is growing,” I rolled my eyes, “If only it wasn’t such a rude one.”

“You can give me a rude one, too,” he offered, and I thought it over for a moment.

“Okay,” I nodded, “Box Boy.”

“Box Boy?”

“Yeah, cause you brought in all my boxes.”

“That’s the best you got?”

“It probably won’t stick, but I like it for now.”

“What’re you two whispering about?” Robin cut into our conversation, wiggling her eyebrows at us.

“It’s a secret, that’s why we’re whispering,” Steve deadpanned, and she snorted.

“Well, you two keep your secrets, and we’ll keep ours.”

“Fine by me, I have a feeling your secrets are pretty dark.”

I stifled a laugh, taking a long sip of my soda.

The rest of the dinner was full of happy chatting and getting to know each other. It turns out I got along really well with all of them, and I integrated well into the little group.

“You know, Y/N, I’m really happy you agreed to come eat with us,” Mrs Buckley told me as her husband handled the check.

“I’m just thankful you invited me! And paid for my food. Really, you didn’t have to!”

“Now stop with the bashfulness, you’re basically family now!”

With that, everyone stood. Steve helped me out of the booth and held the door open for me on the way out. It was sweet, in an old time kind of way. I fought off butterflies, and a crush that I felt coming a mile away.

Robin’s family dropped us off, and we stood outside talking for a few minutes.

“I’m gonna go inside and crash, but you two kids say your goodbyes,” she waved her hands at us and walked away, leaving us in silence.

“So…” I started.

“So…” he repeated.

“It was nice to meet you,” I offered.

“You, too.”

“Maybe I’ll see you again.”

“Hopefully.”

“Soon.”

“Yeah.”

I paused, not knowing what else to say. He was making no move to ask for my number, of course he probably wasn’t even interested like that anyway.

“Goodnight,” I smiled.

“Goodnight,” he repeated.

He stood for a moment and I stayed there, waiting for him to leave.

“I’m not going anywhere until I see you get inside safe.”

I giggled, “Yes sir.” And with that, I walked in.

The elevator ride to the fifth floor was long, but finally I was approaching my door, and I walked through it sleepily. I collapsed onto my bed, trying to ignore Robin’s staring.

“So…” she sighed, “You and Steve, huh?”

“Me and Steve what?”

“You guys have got it going on!”

“Have what going on?”

“Oh my God, Y/N, seriously, the sparks could’ve lit a cigarette. Did you give him your number?”

“He didn’t ask,” I shrugged, “Besides. I thought you guys were a thing.”

“I’m into chicks,” she rolled her eyes, “And even if I wasn’t, I still don’t know why you’d think that. I forced you to sit beside him the entire day. You think his cologne really bothers me that much? NO. I wanted you guys to… you know…. hit it off!!”

“Well, I think he’s a little out of my league,” I shrugged, sinking further into my sheets sadly.

“He absolutely is not. And I promise he’s into you. He’s just not the best with girls is all. He’ll have your number soon enough.”

“You’re not planning on giving it to him, right?”

“What? No! I’m gonna make the little shit ask you himself!”

“If he ever does.”

“He will.”

•First Day of Class

I walked into the lecture hall, brows furrowed, trying to make sure I was where I was supposed to be. Yes, room 208, I concluded.

It was a large room, but it wasn’t completely full. There were only about 20-30 people there total. I, of course, didn’t recognize any of them, so I took a seat away from everyone else. Nobody even spared me a glance, and I felt comfortable in my solitude, until the heavy door opened and shut behind me and a figure looked over me.

I looked up to see Steve, just as handsome as the first time I saw him. He was wearing a pair of joggers and a yellow sweatshirt, and he pulled off the comfy look well.

“Why are you sitting over here all alone?” he asked, one perfect eyebrow raised.

“I don’t know anyone,” I shrugged, and he scoffed.

“Well come sit by me and the guys from my dorm. I’ll introduce you.”

“I think I’d rather stay here.”

“Really?” I nodded slowly, “Then you leave me no choice.” He plopped down in the chair beside me, setting his things down and getting comfortable.

“What’re you doing?” I asked him.

“Well I’m not just gonna let you sit all alone.”

“But I like being alone,” I huffed, “Plus your friends miss you!” I gestured to the three guys staring holes through us.

He glanced in their direction and nodded, and that’s all it took for them to pile over to us.

“Stevie! My man! You gonna introduce us to your lovely friend?” One of them asked as he took the seat in front of us. He held his hand out for me to shake and I took it carefully, sighing.

“This is Grace.“

“That’s not my name!” I groaned.

“Then what is your name?” the tallest of the guys asked.

“Y/N.”

“Cute,” he winked at me, and Steve rolled his eyes sharply. “Y/N, this is Tate, Drew and Johnny.”

They all greeted me kindly and I responded in turn, but there wasn’t much time to talk before an older man walked in, an air of authority in his step.

“Hello, all. I’m Professor Chomsky, I’ll be teaching this course,” he began. What followed was a list of rules, regulations, class schedules, and lesson plans dull enough to make my forehead hit the desk in front of me.

“This is awful,” Steve whispered beside me, and the other guys nodded, “Another hour of his voice might kill me.”

“Shh!” I hissed at him, trying my best to focus on what the man at the front of the room was saying.

“Oh, get off it,” Steve smirked, “You’re just as bored as we are.”

“I’ll have you know I’m absolutely riveted!”

“Lying isn’t a good look, Grace.”

Just then, Tate chimed in, “Why do you call her Grace anyway if her name is Y/N?”

“It’s an inside thing,” Steve waved him off, “You wouldn’t get it.”

“Yeah, because calling me ‘Grace’ to make fun of me for being clumsy is such a hard joke to understand.”

“I don’t like your attitude today, Grace,” he furrowed his brows dramatically, and I couldn’t help giggling.

We were all interrupted by the sound of Professor Chomsky’s voice, booming at us to be quiet. We obeyed, whispering quietly every now and then but mostly hanging on by a thread to his monotonous words.

The class ended about a half hour later and Steve and I went our separate ways. We ended up having one more class together, and the guys were all in there, too, plus Drew’s girlfriend Natalie and Johnny’s sister Elaine. Robin as well. It was the most fun of all of them. It also happened to be my last class of the day. As it wrapped up and we all packed up our things, Steve stopped in front of my chair.

“Can I walk you back to your dorm?” he asked me.

“Sure,” I nodded with a smile, throwing my bag over my shoulder and following him out.

We chatted on the five minute walk. I found that I didn’t want it to end, but I hoped when it did, he would ask for my number. Or something, at least, to make me think he was interested. Part of me knew he wasn’t, though. Not as more than a friend.

“Here we are,” I sighed as we approached the doors.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “So… umm.. I’m happy we have those classes together. It’ll be nice to hangout every week.”

“Yeah, and we seem to have a good little group going. I like everyone a lot.”

“Everyone likes you a lot, too.”

I swayed on my toes, staring at him, waiting patiently. For what, I wasn’t sure.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow?” he proclaimed, his voice chipper. I nodded slowly. “You know the drill, I can’t leave until you’re inside safe.”

I rolled my eyes and gave him a dopey grin, walking in just as I had the last time.

• Hangout at Elaine’s Apartment

Days of hanging out with Steve in class passed slowly, and I soaked in every moment. I was trying desperately to keep what I felt at bay, but it proved difficult when he wanted to walk me home every day.

A month went by and it was Saturday. I woke up around noon, the week had been especially exhausting, and immediately started studying. Robin did the same, sitting at her desk beside me and rifling through her flash cards.

“How is it that he’s walked you home every single day and still not asked for your number?” she asked out of nowhere.

“Robin, we’re talking about biochem. Not Steve.”

“Believe me, Steve is a scientific anomaly, so it’s close enough.”

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t know, okay? It’s like I wait for him to make a move or something every day, but he never does.”

“Well isn’t there anything between you both? All the rest of us can see it!”

“There’s chemistry, or at least I thought there was, but now I’m sure it was just one sided. He’s just not into me like that.”

“Then why does he walk you home every single day and not me?”

“Well… you have another class after that so you couldn’t walk with us, and he probably just doesn’t want to walk that far twice a day.”

“You’re grasping at straws. The boy wants you.”

“Why are you so invested, anyway? It’s not that serious, Rob. We’re just friends, that’s fine with me.”

“I just…” she started, trying to form her words correctly, “Steve has never been good with girls. He had one girlfriend, in high school. She wasn’t the best. I mean, she was fine, and he was happy, but she hurt him and he.. well, the details don’t matter but anyway. He never really had luck with any other girls. He was always too caught up in something else. But now we’re out of that town and you can’t convince me that your coming into our lives was a coincidence. Steve deserves this, and I want him to have it. If he can just get out of his own way.”

“And if he can’t?”

“He will. Believe me. It’s just gonna take a big push.”

“I’d rather just be his friend than stress myself over it,” I shrugged, going back to my studying.

A couple hours later, Robin got a text from Steve telling her that everyone was hanging out at Elaine’s apartment and we should come.

“Wanna go?” she asked me.

“I don’t know, I have a lot of studying left to do,” I hesitated.

“I was only asking to be polite. We’re going,” she stated, grabbing my hand and pulling me to my closet. “And you’re not wearing those wrinkly old jeans and a baggy t shirt. Pick something cute.”

“I’m not really a ‘cute clothes’ girl.”

“Well, tonight, you are.” She looked through my closet, pulling out a yellow sundress I stole from my mom’s closet at some point in time. I had to admit, it was a beautiful dress.

“You’ll wear this with your white sneakers,” she instructed, leaving no room for argument so I just nodded. “Steve won’t know what hit him!”

“Honestly, he’s probably into Elaine.”

“Why do you think that?”

“She’s… well, she’s older. She’s smart, and beautiful, and she always dresses to impress. She’s just.. she’s got everything.”

“Yeah, that’s why I have a crush on her. But I promise Steve doesn’t.”

“Whatever you say.”

Before long, it was time to get ready. I put on a little makeup, just some mascara, blush, and lip gloss, and paired gold hoops and a gold charm bracelet with the dress, slipping on my sneakers and following Robin out the door.

We were supposed to meet Steve outside of his dorm. The plan was for him to drive us to Elaine’s. As we approached the parking lot, we saw him leaning against the driver’s door of his car. Elaine was right in front of him, and they were locked in what seemed like a deep conversation.

“What’s that all about?” Robin asked as we took a step or two closer. I stopped in my tracks, though, when Elaine leaned up and kissed him square on his lips.

My heart shattered into about a million pieces. It’s crazy how you never know how intense your feelings for someone are until they blow up in your face. Sure, it hadn’t been long since I met him, but everyone has had a crush that spiraled out of control way too quickly.

“Hey, love birds?” Robin called out, her voice accusing.

They broke apart, startled, and stared at us dumbly. No doubt Steve saw the hurt on my face, but I tried so hard to keep it at bay.

“Grace,” he started, making a move to walk over to me, but the scene was interrupted by the other 3 guys joining us.

“Okay, so how’s this gonna work?” Tate blurted as they approached, “I know Y/N and Steve always have to sit by each other, And Natalie will be on Drew’s lap in the back, so I’m assuming Robin is gonna squeeze in the back with us?”

“I’d rather ride on the hood,” she croaked.

“It’s fine,” I sighed, “I’ll ride in the back with you guys, Robin can sit up front.”

“Well, someone can ride with me,” Elaine offered, “And you’ll just have to ride uncomfortably on the way back instead of both ways?”

“I will,” Natalie offered, “Wanna join me, Drew? That way there’s room in Steve’s car for everyone?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, following her to Elaine’s vehicle.

“I still wanna sit in the back,” I shrugged, climbing into the middle and letting both boys climb on either side of me.

Steve stared into the car at me for a moment, fists clenched, before climbing in behind the wheel and pulling off.

The ride had the potential to be awkward, and if it wasn’t for Johnny and Tate, it would’ve been. They lightened the mood a lot. Between their jokes and banter, I felt comfortable a couple minutes in. It was only a ten minute drive, and it went by extra quick with them.

As Steve pulled in, the car lurched to the side and threw me onto Tate.

“Woah there, I see why Steve calls you Grace now,” he laughed as he helped me up. The spark I felt when it happened with Steve wasn’t there, but Steve didn’t know that, and he sent us a death glare through the rear view mirror.

Elaine pulled in right after us and lead us up a flight of stairs to an isolate apartment, quite large. It was a one bedroom two bathroom, but every room was huge.

“Mi casa es su casa,” she sighed as we walked in. “I’ve got drinks, card games, books to study, and lots of movies. Whatever you guys are into!”

“Let’s starts out with the drinks,” Johnny suggested, and everyone nodded.

Moments later, we all had a beer in our hands. Elaine suggested we save the liquor for after, and we agreed. We also all collectively decided we would play Cards Against Humanity until we were tipsy, and then we would watch a horrible movie together.

Music played from the radio in the background as we all settled into our spots for the night. Drew and Natalie on the bean bag chair, Johnny Tate and Robin piled onto the couch, and Elaine cozy in her recliner. That left only the loveseat for Steve and I, and I fought a scowl.

“Scoot over, Rob,” I gestured, but she refused.

“I wanna stretch out and be comfy! There’s plenty of room on the love seat!”

I rolled my eyes and flipped her off, walking begrudgingly to Steve and plopping down beside him.

“Is sitting by me really that bad of a thing?” he asked, and everyone stared at me, waiting for an answer.

“No, it’s fine. It’s just.. Robin was right. Your cologne is a lot.”

He almost looked hurt, but he shook it off as we started the game.

A few rounds in, Steve leaned back in his seat, accidentally shifting himself closer to me. I stared down at his leg, almost touching mine.

“You look nice tonight,” he mumbled so nobody but me could hear, “I’ve never seen you in something so… delicate before.”

“If you’re gonna compliment someone, it should be your girlfriend,” I shrugged off what he’d said and took a long swig of my beer.

“Girlfriend?” he furrowed his brows.

“You know. The girl you kissed.”

“Oh.” He stared at his lap. “Listen, Grace, that wasn’t -“

“I don’t want to hear it,” I shrugged, “Doesn’t matter to me. You guys are super cute together, I’m real happy for you.”

He looked taken aback but my tone told him he should let it go, and he did, taking a swig of his own beer and leaving me alone for the moment. The moment didn’t last long, though, because before long everyone was a little intoxicated from all the alcohol and his arm was resting on my shoulders. I couldn’t fight the way I fell into him, I could barely even fight the sleep.

“Movie time!” Elaine exclaimed, jumping up to find her favorite DVD. She picked a cheesy old scary movie that barely made sense, and we were all more than happy with it. Nobody wants to watch a good movie while they’re drunk. She settled back in as it began, munching on the snacks she’d brought out for everyone.

“Please talk to me,” Steve mumbled into my hair.

“Don’t want to,” I slurred out, closing my eyes and breathing him in. My actions didn’t match up with my words and I knew that, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Well then come here,” he sighed, grabbing me under my knees and pulling me into his lap. He rested me against his chest, holding me snugly, letting me get as cozy in him as I wanted. “Talk to me when you’re ready.”

If I’d been sober, I would’ve worried about cuddling with Elaine’s boyfriend right in front of her, but I wasn’t. I did spare her a glance, though, and she smiled at me. Strange. She didn’t seem to care at all.

“Shouldn’t you be snuggling with Elaine over there?” I whispered to him, my face nestled in the crook of his neck.

He pulled a blanket from beside the armrest and tucked it over me as he responded, “Let’s talk when we’re sober.”

“Wan’ talk now,” I hummed.”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Grace. The closest thing I have to a girlfriend is you.”

“But y’kissed her and you never kissed me,” I pouted. I don’t know whether my attitude came from sleepy delirium or intoxication.

“You’re right,” he nodded, leaving it at that.

“Y’could if you wanted to,” I breathed out as I drifted off into sleep.

I woke up in the passenger seat of the car. Robin was driving, and I looked around frantically for Steve before realizing I was in his lap.

“Oh, hi,” I mumbled.

“Morning, sunshine,” he smiled, “Go back to sleep. I’ll make sure you get in bed safe.”

“I don’t wanna go back to sleep,” I whined, leaning up.

I glanced in the back seat. Johnny was on one side, half asleep leaning on the window. Tate was in the middle, texting someone, and Drew was on the other side with Natalie passed out on his lap.

“Why’s Robin driving?” I asked curiously.

“He didn’t want you sleeping on anyone else,” she smirked at us.

“Oh,” I didn’t know what else to say to that.

He ran his hand through my hair, playing with the strands, twisting them between his fingers.

“That feels good,” I hummed, leaning into his touch.

“Yeah?” he asked as he kept going, tugging the strands a little harder.

“Mmhmm.”

“Get a room,” Tate coughed from his spot in the back, and we all giggled.

Finally, Robin pulled into the parking lot of our dorms.

“Come on,” Steve sighed, opening the car door and helping me out. His hand stayed at the small of my back as he walked me to the door, steadying me when I swayed slightly.

“I’m gonna have the worst headache tomorrow,” I whined.

“Probably,” he laughed, helping me up the stairs.

Robin cleared her throat, “I’m gonna go upstairs and let you guys… talk.” We nodded and watched her go, then turned back to each other.

“I should probably go up, too,” I mumbled, refusing to meet his eyes.

“Okay,” he nodded, but he didn’t let go of me. “I want to talk to you about -“

“I don’t want to talk about Elaine, Steve. Just go.”

“But-“

“No. I’m still drunk and I’m tired and my heart can’t take much more tonight so please just go and we’ll talk about it another time.”

“Grace,” he started, and I could tell he was frustrated, but I was too. It sucked walking up on him lip locking someone else. I didn’t want to listen or get over it yet. Any explanation he had wouldn’t be good enough for me, after all, what excuse is there to kiss another girl if he liked me? The only explanation was that he wasn’t into me, and he was trying to let me down easy. Or trying to have both.

“Stop,” I put my hand on his chest and pushed him away slightly, “I said another time. Please go.”

He watched me for a few seconds, waiting for me to change my mind, but I didn’t. I wanted him to go. For the first time, I wasn’t lingering or giving him that look like he could kiss me if he wanted to.

“Okay. Just take my number in case you need anything tonight.”

I nodded slowly, handing him my phone. He inputted the digits and handed it back, then let me walk inside in peace. I made it all the way upstairs before finally freeing my emotions, and the alcohol in my system caused them to spill out of my eyes.

“Oh, Y/N,” Robin sighed, walking over to sit by me.

“I am so over Steve Harrington,” I huffed.

“You didn’t even hear him out?”

“It doesn’t matter what he says, it’s not gonna wipe the image of them kissing out of my head.”

She nodded, staying up with me a little longer before we both nodded off.

The next morning, I woke up to a message from Steve. Apparently he’d called himself from my phone so he’d have my number too.

Good morning. Just checking on you. You feel okay?

I read it over and over before turning the phone off, deciding not to respond. I could feel my head pounding and I couldn’t take extra stress.

I got up, preparing to go get some water from the vending machine, but when I opened the door I saw a convenience store bag on the outside handle. I opened it to see advil, water, and powerade, along with a note scribbled on the receipt.

“Figured you might need this.

Let me know if you need anything else.

Steve.”

My heart grew as I paced back in the room, sitting on my bed. I texted him to thank him, then fell back to sleep with medicine and hydration in my system.

• The Next Class

I ignored Steve for the rest of that day. I suppose seeing him kiss someone else made the walls build up around my heart, but all I knew for sure was that he couldn’t get through anymore. Of course, I was still a bit sad. I liked Steve a lot, but we were better off as friends.

I walked to class the next morning, running a minute or two late but I knew Professor Chomsky wouldn’t care much. When I walked in, Steve and the guys were in their usual seats, and I took mine right in the center of them.

“Morning, Grace,” Steve absolutely beamed at me. I grinned tightly and politely in return, and pulled out my books, not bothering to respond. It probably seemed a little rude, but to me, it was what I had to do. “You gonna keep ignoring me? I screwed up that bad?”

I glanced over at him, “You didn’t screw up at all. We’re friends, Steve. I’m happy when you’re happy and if you’re happy with Elaine then I hope you guys work out.”

“Saturday night you were practically crying, and now you’re giving me your blessing and saying you want me to date her?”

“I was drunk. I’m not anymore, and yes, I want you to be with her. I’m sure she’s a great girlfriend. Just what you deserve.”

“Unbelievable,” he scoffed, “You really just want to be friends?”

“Yes,” I nodded curtly, turning to my books.

The other guys were looking at us curiously, like we were a soap opera playing right in front of them. They looked even more astounded when I walked out at the end of class without waiting for Steve. I felt horrible. He was the sweetest guy in the world. But clearly he liked Elaine more, seeing as she’s the one he made a move on, and I wasn’t going to stand in their way. I was sure it would get easier with time.

The next class I had with him went similarly. He tried to talk to me, and I brushed him off. I didn’t ignore him, I just didn’t entertain him, and I could tell it drove him nuts.

I could feel Elaine watching us, watching him. She must’ve been wondering why he was so wrapped up in me instead of talking to her. I was wondering that myself, but I let it go.

“Are you ever going to forgive him?” Robin asked as we walked out.

“I already did. It’s just not the same. I dunno,” I shrugged.

“I think you should hear him out. He’s bound to have an explanation for that kiss.”

“Even if he does, I don’t want to hear it, Rob. It happened and even if I decided to go back to how it used to be, I’d still see him kissing her in my brain every time he got close to me.”

“I understand,” she nodded, and we parted ways as she headed off to her next class. I, however, set off for my dorm.

“Grace!” I heard from behind me, and I sighed, knowing only one person called me that.

I turned around to see him sprinting to me, “I’m not letting you walk home alone.”

“Steve,” I sighed.

“No.” He seemed genuine, serious. “I care about you. Even if we’re just friends, I care about you. You don’t get to become one of my favorite people and then just cut me off. I’m walking you home. Like a friend would do.”

I stared at him for a moment, then nodded. Truthfully, I was delighted that he’d asked. I figured, with the way I’d treated him that day, he wouldn’t bother.

“So you and Elaine…” I started as we walked, genuine curiosity gnawing at me.

“Can we not talk about it?” he asked, and I nodded.

“Shouldn’t you be walking with her, though? How does she feel about our friendship?“

“Grace,” he warned, and I heeded, shutting up.

We made small talk the entire way, the awkward kind we weren’t used to. I hoped the “friendship” would come more naturally with time. After all, we’d been the best of friends for the entire two months since we met. And we’d never really been more than friends, so I wasn’t sure why this was throwing us off so much.

“Thank you for walking with me, Steve,” I said, preparing to walk away when he grabbed my hand.

“I really want us to go back to how things were before… what you saw.”

“I want that too, Steve. I just… can we forget everything and just be friends like we were?”

“Please,” he sighed, relief washing over him.

“But it can’t be quite the same. I don’t know if you realize how.. touchy, and close we are. Do you think maybe we could take a step back from that for a while?”

“If that’s what it takes to fix this, but I don’t want to. I hope you know that.”

“Steve, you have a girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend, she’s- well, she’s-“

“She’s what?”

“I can’t talk about it,” he ran his hand through his hair like he did when he was stressed.

“Of course. Well, when you’re ready to, we can go back to how it was. But for now, we’re just friends who don’t constantly sit by each other and hold hands and hug and walk together.”

“That’s fair,” he agreed, resigning himself to his fate.

With that, I left and we didn’t talk much for the rest of the day. He texted me, but I didn’t respond. I wanted him to get the picture.

• The Halloween Party

Another month passed slowly. Distancing myself from Steve was horrible. Every time the group hung out, he was agonizingly close, but I kept away and he respected my wishes and kept away from me, too. It almost itched, how badly I wanted to reach out and grab his hand. I thought it would become easier, but it didn’t. And the worst part was that the group wasn’t adjusting well to the new dynamic, constantly making jokes and comments about “me putting Steve in the dog house.”

Whatever had been going on with Steve and Elaine seemed to be over, they would chat but I never saw any PDA or even chemistry between them. In fact, she’d grown closer to Robin than anything, and when we would hang out, they would stick together. Natalie and Drew were a pair, and Steve would pack in with Tate and Johnny. I was sort of lonesome, but it was okay. Part of me wanted to just forget the kiss and go fully back to how it was, touching flirting and all. But as I told Robin, it was engrained in my memory and I didn’t really want him if he chose her first.

“Y/N,” Elaine snapped me out of my trance as we waited for class to start, all huddled up in our little group.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I was telling everyone about my Halloween party. It’s gonna be you guys, and a few older friends I have in my other classes. Not, like, a banger, but definitely a crowd and a good time. Interested?”

“Of course, do I have to dress up?”

“Well it is a Halloween Party,” she rolled her eyes at me, laughing.

And that was that. We all planned to go. She was having it at her parents’ cabin, about 45 minutes away from the campus. Obviously, she couldn’t do it at her apartment.

The days leading up to it, Robin and I looked for costumes. She decided to go as Velma, and she tried to convince me to dress as Daphne but I suggested that Elaine be Daphne instead, and they both loved the idea. I had a costume of my own in mind.

I dug in the back of my closet until I found a black peasant dress that I’d had for forever. It was long sleeve, and the sleeves were lace and flared at the bottom. The cut was low and accentuated the way the corseted middle pushed up my chest, and the skirt flared out but still highlighted all my curves in all the right places. I paired it with some ripped up fishnets, black boots, and a funky witch’s hat I found at the Halloween store that also had lace lining it. It was perfect, maybe even good enough to get the kind of attention that would help me forget Steve once and for all.

When the day came for the party, Robin went to Elaine’s to get ready and I got ready alone. I curled my hair, did my makeup perfectly for the first time in forever, and finished the look off with red lipstick. Then I got dressed, and I was ready to head out the door when I got a phone call from Steve, whom I was supposed to meet outside of his dorm so he could drive me, Natalie, and the other guys there.

“Hey,” I answered, “What’s up?”

“Hey, just letting you know, don’t walk over. I’m coming to get you. Natalie is gonna take her car, and the guys are going with her, so it’ll just be me and you.”

“Okay, you headed here now?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in like two minutes.”

“I’ll be outside waiting,” I told him and we hung up.

When he pulled up, I was standing on the curb, all dressed up. My nerves were bundled up in my stomach, and I felt like I needed to throw up. What if he didn’t like my outfit? He’d never seen me so dressed up before.

He got out of the car and ran over to the passenger side, opening the door for me. I couldn’t miss the way his eyes scanned me, hungry and searching for every exposed patch of skin he could see.

He cleared his throat as he sat in his own seat, “You look….”

“Different?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Good.”

I smiled, sitting back. My nerves were still there, but they were eased by the way he couldn’t stop staring at me, glances out of the corner of his eye giving him away as he began the drive.

“What’re you supposed to be?” I asked, raising my eyebrow at his black t shirt and black jeans.

“I didn’t want to dress up, but Robin said I had to so I just picked up a ghost face mask.”

“Ghost face, huh? Chicks dig that.”

“That’s exactly what Robin said,” he laughed, “Billy Loomis does it for girls, huh?”

“I’m not telling you what does it for me, but nice try.”

“I see the new look comes with a new attitude.”

I blushed, covering it up by staring out the window. We were doing so well, just being friendly. Why was he suddenly flirting now? And why was I flirting back? I told myself to get a grip, and stayed silent for a moment, so he turned up the radio, taking my hint.

The rest of the ride was filled with silence, heavy with tension. I felt like a rubber band about to snap, the glances he was giving me sending me into overdrive but I pretended I was fine, crossing my legs and staring out the window.

I opened my door before he had the chance when we pulled into the parking lot. There were a good bit of cars, and it seemed like a little more than a crowd. I suppose Elaine’s intimate hangout had accidentally turned into a party. Steve noticed this as well, placing his hand on the small of my back as we walked in together possessively but I brushed him off, walking over to where Robin and Elaine were sitting on the couch.

Robin must’ve been over the moon with all the attention she’d been getting from the older girl. Just by the way they were sitting, I could imagine her pulse racing. Elaine’s legs were thrown over Rob’s lap, her arms wrapped tightly around her neck. If I didn’t know them well, I’d assume they were a couple.

“Welcome to my party!” Elaine grinned.

“It did turn into quite the event, huh?” I chuckled, glancing around.

“One person told another person who told everybody, I guess,” she shrugged.

“Where’s the alcohol?” I asked her.

“Through that door,” she pointed to what I assumed was the kitchen. I walked that way, running into Tate and Johnny on the way, so they walked with me.

“You look hot, Y/N!” Johnny grinned wide as he told me so. He wasn’t being weird or anything, he was genuinely just giving me a compliment, so I grinned in return.

“Really, who knew you had this badass in you? Red lipstick and everything? Poor Steve must be having palpitations,” Tate laughed, and the other nodded.

“Steve and I are just friends.”

“That’s what you want, not what he wants. He loooooooves you, he wants to smooooooooch you,” Johnny sang, tapping his fingers together in a kissing motion.

“I think you’ve had too much too drink,” I scoffed, pouring myself a cup full of whatever looked good and leaving them to go back to the couch. The only open spot was beside Steve, so I took it, sipping on my drink.

“You’re not gonna make yourself a drink?” I asked him, and he shook his head.

“Put on your mask, dingus. It’s a costume party,” Robin reached over and poked him, and he rolled his eyes as he did as she asked.

He looked good. I could feel my heart begin to race as he turned to me, and usually it would’ve made me nervous, but I just felt powerful in that moment. I knew he thought I looked good. I wanted to use it. I wanted to make him burn like I had.

I leaned in close to him, “Wanna play psycho killer?”

“Grace-“ he started, but I cut him off.

“Can I be the helpless victim?” I placed my hand on his chest, my fingers brushing over where hair peeled through the top of his v neck. I almost felt him shiver. “Please don’t kill me, Mr Ghost Face. I wanna be in the sequel!” I trailed my hand down his chest, scratching him lightly with my nails. As I approached his waist line, he grabbed my wrist sharply, halting my movements.

“You think you’re cute?” he huffed.

“You think I’m cute,” I smirked. I pulled my hand away from him and got up, leaving him there basically panting as I walked away.

I found Johnny and Tate chatting with a couple of other guys, and approached.

“Oh, hey! Y/N! I was wondering where you ran off to!” Tate smiled, welcoming me in.

“Just went to mess with Steve,” I shrugged, glancing at the other guys. One of them had his eyes on me, and I took the opportunity.

“Are you friends with these guys?” I asked him, leaning in a little closer.

“Yeah, I stay in the same dorm as them,” the guy nodded.

“Oh, neat! I can’t believe I’ve never seen you before!”

“Yeah, but it’s okay. Plenty of time to make up for it,” he winked at me.

“What are you doing?” Johnny whisper yelled into my ear, “Steve is watching you!”

“Steve and I are just friends. He likes kissing other girls so I’m gonna go talk to another guy.”

With that, I stepped closer to the mystery man. “Wanna dance?”

He nodded, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the center of the floor where people were dancing. He turned me around and I began swaying with him, daring to glance over at Steve. He looked furious, absolutely fuming at the sight of me with someone else. I was thriving off of it.

All of a sudden, Elaine pulled me away from him, pulling me closer to the couches. The guy protested for a second but Elaine sent him a death glare and he backed off.

“Why are you doing this?” she sighed.

“Doing what?”

“Dancing with him. Steve is right there. You’re breaking his heart.”

“Steve kissed you, Elaine. Even if you guys aren’t a thing, even if it didn’t work out or whatever and he likes me now, it happened and I can’t just forget that. He liked you more than me or he wouldn’t have kissed you instead of me and I don’t want to be second choice.”

“But that’s not what happened! Steve and I were never a thing!”

“Well he must’ve felt something, because he sure did swap spit with you.”

“It was a peck,” she rolled her eyes and huffed, throwing her hands up dramatically, “And I’m gay.”

My mouth fell agape, “What?”

“I never knew. I mean, I always thought girls were cute or whatever but I never had romantic feelings for them. Then I met Robin and couldn’t think about anything else. Excuse my bluntness, but I’ve never wanted to scissor anyone so badly. Steve is so easy to talk to, I completely opened up that night. I asked him if I could kiss him to see if I felt anything. To see if it felt right, and he said yes and believe me, neither of us felt anything. It was just weird.”

“So you and Robin are together now?”

“Well… I’m hoping we’ll get together tonight, if you catch my drift.”

“And Steve never liked you?”

“Of course not. Y/N, he’s been head over heels for you since he met you. He doesn’t talk about anyone else, he doesn’t think about anyone else.”

“Oh God, why didn’t I just hear him out sooner when he tried to talk to me about this? I’ve screwed everything up!”

“Look at him. He loves you, it’s all over his face. You haven’t screwed anything up.”

I stared at him for a moment before thanking her and heading his way.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, standing directly in front of where he sat so my knees bumped into his bent ones.

“Why didn’t I tell you what?”

“About Elaine. If I’d just known-“

“I promised her I wouldn’t say anything to anyone until she was sure.”

“Still, you could’ve-“

“You were so upset about me kissing another girl, nothing but the truth would’ve worked.”

“Steve,” I sighed, “If I had known-“

“What would you have done?”

“I would’ve- Well, I would’ve-“

I couldn’t even complete my sentence, he cut me off at the jump, leaning in and slotting his lips onto mine. I was startled for a moment but he didn’t stop, and eventually I kissed back, savoring every second like it was the last. He pulled away as if he wanted to say something but I didn’t let him, pulling him right back in by his shirt and wrapping my arms around his neck. His hands found my back, pulling me closer into an arch and wandering, ghosting over my waist line.

We were cut short by cheers coming from beside us, and we backed away from each other just enough to look.

“It’s about damn time, dingus!” Robin huffed, wrapped tightly in Elaine’s arms. I blushed, hiding my face in Steve’s chest, and he leaned down to my ear.

“Come with me,” he whispered, and I nodded.

He lead me to the backyard, where a lake was glistening in the moonlight. There was a lake house beside it, cute and cottagey, like something out of a story book.

“Elaine is letting all of us stay here tonight,” he explained, “There’s only three bedrooms, though. So she told me we could stay out here.”

“She just assumed I’d be staying wherever you stay?”

“I mean, be honest with yourself, Grace. Even if we were still just friends, you’d rather bunk with me than anyone else here.”

“I suppose that’s true,” I shrugged, following him through the door to see that it was immaculately decorated. It didn’t have a real fireplace like the house did but it did have one of those huge automatic ones, so he turned it on, warming the place up. It was one room, there was a bed in the corner, not huge but big enough for the two of us, a TV above the fireplace and a couch in front of it with some other furniture scattered about. There was a closet and a bathroom, as well.

“We left the party awfully early,” I observed, turning to him.

“I have a night in a lake house with you, and you think I wanna waste it partying?”

“Well, when you put it that way,” I smiled, grabbing his hand and pulling him closer.

“I’m in love with you, Grace. I haven’t loved anyone in a really long time, and maybe never like this. And I know it’s quick, but I don’t care. I love you.”

“I love you too, stupid,” I rolled my eyes, pulling him closer until his lips met mine again and we fell into a dance of teeth and tongue.

He grabbed the fat of my hip, squeezing, the dress bunching up in his fingers.

“Fuck, Y/N, do you even know what this dress does to me?” he groaned, “Never seen you like this before.”

“I only bought it so you could take it off,” I rasped as his lips found my neck. At my words, he started sucking, leaving a mark I was sure would stay for days, and I moaned. Something about him wanting to claim me made me shiver, goosebumps littering my skin, my need multiplying.

“I can do that, baby,” he nodded, reaching behind me and pulling the zipper down slowly. He eased it down my shoulders, his fingertips brushing my skin and his eyes following their path. His irises got a little darker at the sight of the black lace covering my most sacred places, and he went ahead and undid the clasp of my bra, letting it fall with the dress.

“You look so pretty like this,” he sighed, staring at me for a moment, his gaze loving.

“Your turn,” I smirked, slipping my hands under his shirt and pulling it over his head. My fingertips clumsily attempted to undo his belt, and he stopped me, doing it himself one handed and throwing it on the ground. It was one of the hottest things I’ve seen him do. I let out a light moan, and he chuckled.

“Feel like a helpless victim yet?” he asked.

“You’re not wearing the mask, so no,” I shrugged jokingly, and he frowned.

“I can fix that,” he stated, walking to the table by the door where he’d set said mask. He pulled it on his head and my mouth fell slightly agape. He looked so perfect. So pretty.

“Want me to fuck you just like this?” he asked, and I nodded frantically. “Come here,” he grabbed my hips lightly, leading me to the end of the bed. He spun me slowly, “Bend over for me, baby,” he coaxed as he pressed on my back. I did as he asked and all I heard was a rip as he tore off the stockings, not worrying about my shoes.

I looked back to see him falling to his knees, then I felt his fingertips where I needed him most and I gasped. It was slow at first, just light touching, but I was absolutely dripping, desperately waiting for what I wanted.

“Steve, baby, please,” I whimpered, and he chuckled again.

“Anything for you, Grace,” he cooed, pushing one finger in. I let out a sigh and a moan, begging for more, and he obliged, pushing in another and eventually a third. Before long, he had a steady rhythm, pushing in and out of me in a way that had me ready to come apart.

“Please Steve, need it, need more, need you,” I panted, pushing back on him, reaching behind me to touch whatever part of him I could reach.

I heard a sharp zip as he undid his pants, kicking them off. His tip rubbed against my slit teasingly at first, then pushed in slowly, and I let out a shaky breath. He was huge, bigger than I’d probably ever had, and my walls were stretched deliciously. It didn’t help that I hadn’t done anything with anyone in a while. I’d been waiting for Steve since before I even met him.

“Please,” I whined, my voice a broken shell of what it was before he kissed me. He’d wrecked me already and hadn’t even fucked me yet.

“Here you go, baby. I’ve got you,” he sighed, setting a steady pattern of thrusts, hard and quick and perfect, everything I needed from him, His hands found my hips, squeezing hard enough to leave bruises, and I met him thrust for thrust pushing into him like a woman starved.

That lasted for a little longer before he pulled out abruptly. I whined, achingly empty, but he stopped me short by grabbing my hips and turning me over. “Scoot back,” he instructed, “I wanna see your pretty face.”

“I wanna see yours too,” I hummed as I did as he asked, scooting all the way to the top of the bed and laying my head down like a true pillow princess. He nodded, ripping the mask off and tossing it aside, and I gasped at him in all his glory. He was so handsome, hair a mess on his head, a slight sheen of sweat making him glisten.

He climbed up on top of me, grabbing my leg and putting it over his shoulder. He leaned down and captured my lips as he pushed in, and I groaned, the new angle putting him in just the right spot.

“I’m gonna cum if you keep doing that,” I whimpered.

“That’s the point,” he smirked, reaching down to rub circles on my clit as he fucked me harder. “Such a good girl, gonna cum all over me?”

I nodded frantically, wrapping my free leg around his back and pulling him in farther, earning a deep groan.

“You’re so perfect like this, taking it so good. Who woulda known my quiet girl could take it like this?” his words spurred me on, making me see stars as the coil in my tummy got ready to snap.

“Steve baby need to cum, please cum with me,” I gasped, clenching around him as I finally snapped, and he groaned. He wasn’t very far behind me, and we rode out our highs together, staring at each other when we were done like a couple of lovestruck kids.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” he whispered for only me, and I giggled.

“It’s okay, Steve. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t spent so long being jealous, this would’ve already happened.”

“I think it happened right when it was supposed to,” he smirked, kissing me on the forehead and walking to the bathroom. He wet a towel and brought it back, cleaning me up and then himself, then joined me in bed.

“Would you wanna, like, go on a date with me?” he asked, nerves clouding his voice.

I thought it over for a moment, leaving him in suspense.

“Of course. How about tomorrow?”

[eisforeidolon]

Question: Think back to the first time that you took a road trip unscripted, without your parents, without the school, where were you going, what were you doing, and what happened?

Jensen: I dunno if it was the first time, but I do remember a trip that I took with my buddies. This would have been - we were pretty young, and we rented one of those RVs, the rent-able RVs? Yeah, don't recommend. And packed, like, I dunno, five or six of us in that thing and drove from here all the way to Texas and then up to Arkansas for my buddy's wedding that was happening, and then all the way back through the desert. It was - there were things that probably happened that should not have - certainly illegal. At one point we, it was late at night and people were falling asleep and we were like, 'Hey, that looks like a good field, let's go have a firework war.' We had a whole - we had saw this - stopped along the road there was a fireworks stand, so we bought just way too many fireworks. We pull over to the side of the road, it's night. We send half the guys like fifty yards away and the other half of the guys are on this side. And we started just shooting roman candles at each other and bottle rockets, like, firing them at each other. And then like one of these was like where you shoot it and then it lands, and then it explodes? It was like we were just trying to kill each other for fun. For fun. We had a guy Teen Wolf the top of it? Like driving down the road, he climbed out the, he took off the vent thing and climbed out the hole and was just like [mimes hanging on and waving]. That's not okay. That's -

JDM: That guy was Jensen. Whenever we use the term [finger quotes] that guy? [points to himself, then Jensen, laughing]

Jensen: Asking for a friend. [JDM cracks up]

JDM: I remember my first, I don't know why I remember this so well, but I remember moving to LA and we drove. My friend Billy Burke, who was on that show Fire Country, yeah, and Charlie Swan in the whatever those vampire movies - Twilight, that's it. So he had a hearse.

Jensen: What?

JDM: No joke. He was in a band called Billy Black and something, but you know, he liked dead stuff. And so he drove, that was his car, was a hearse. And we drove this hearse from Seattle to Los Angeles. And - I mean, we didn't have a firework wars, but I think there was people like riding on top of the hearse and shit. But I do remember it really well, and I remember it just because Billy and I both are still standing today and kinda had a career, so yay. That was a good move.

Jensen: Jared and I used to, uh, road trip every year up to Vancouver for the - before we hit the season. So we would, we would - he would hop in his truck and I would hop in mine, and we would take off, you know, a week before filming started. And we'd drive all the way up, you know take the five and take -

JDM: You'd just follow each other? Walkie talkies?

Jensen: Yeah, walkie talkies. Yeah, you know, we'd be cruising along and - what a great way to, you know, bond.

JDM: Hey, let's pull over and have a firework war! [Jensen cracks up]

Jensen: No, it was like, 'I could go for a little beef jerky, some sunflower seeds'. Which is just road trip necessities. And so we did that for, gosh, like several, several seasons. Probably five years in a row we would drive up and then at the end of the season, we would drive our trucks back. And then I think by that time we had just enough coin we could leave our trucks there over the summer -

JDM: There you go.

Jensen: and fly home and have a new car, so.

JDM: That's smart.

Jensen: Yeah yeah yeah.

JDM: It's okay on the way there, on the way home, though, it's like, 'Ohh, this is a long drive'.

Jensen: It's a long drive!

JDM: I need to get home!

Jensen: Well, no, it was just the end of the season, so we were like, "Woohoo leaving it in the dust, been there for nine months, time to get back to life!' But those were -

JDM: Was that from Texas, or when -

Jensen: No, that was when we were in LA. First few years.

[wil-dearest]

Anonymous asked: Ok um your dub con ask right I saw it and um how about gender-neutral chubby reader *cause I am and, and also genderfluid so it'll be good for me if it was gender neutral, if not afab. it's okay if you don't write that chubby reader stuff also!* where simpbur is being teased by them knowing that he's been stalking them (our little greasy simp didn't catch on) and in the middle of night while he's touching in his sleep they grab him by the arm and started to straddle him and degrade him and he may be in shock but he's just like blushing and dying to death and then they have nice steamy night of them ending up together😌.

love the details. did my best. enjoy

trigger warnings: 18+, stalking, unhealthy relationship, somno if you blink, gn reader but yes chubby afab reader. 18+. also degradation, just a bit. listen you're having sex with your stalker, this isn't gonna be healthy and i suggest treading carefully, you know yourself better than anyone. explicit.

Plot Twist (But We All Knew)

It's been two hours and you're still at the local coffee shop. Not... unusual, people do like to use the shop for the free wifi, the obvious coffee part, and the slightly cozy atmosphere. He shifts in his seat, thumbing over the cardboard sleeve and only flickers his eyes off of the laptop once he sees that you're packing your stuff up. You didn't have any projects coming up, nothing from work or school, it didn't make sense why you'd be here but it's nothing he can't figure out. His right hand twitches as he sees you lean over to pick up a dropped wire and your shirt rides up, god, if only he could just- run his fingers over your skin, watch the goosebumps rise and kiss and bite at the stretch marks peeking through- and you're leaving. Waving bye to the barista.

You didn't make plans with any friends, he knows this, so after ten minutes, he packs his things up and leaves too. Without the goodbyes to the person at the counter. He stands outside, the cool breeze blowing through his open jacket as he looks both ways before crossing the street. He has the route of your home memorized, mostly because it had been so close to his. It's like you were just made for him.. Course you didn't seem to acknowledge it. Anytime you saw him, direct eye contact, you never seemed to do more than a brief smile and wave. So casual, so... temporary. He wants the genuine smile you get when you make the little cookies, when you turn the music on in your living room and dance a little to get your limbs moving before cleaning. He wants the smile you get when he had texted you goodnight before.

He hops onto the fire escape, climbing up and finding your apartment easy, sitting just below your window. He's tempted to look through it and find you, wave just to see what you'd do. If you would scream and run, if you'd beat his face in. His heart races at the thought of you being so close.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and huffs as he looks through the cameras he'd installed at your home, seeing you in your pajamas early, the muscle tee and the stripped bottoms. He bites his lip, squeezing his leg as he watches you lean back into your bed and watch the show, your eyes blinking slower and slower till you fall asleep. He gasps, leaning his head back and looks around, fuck, he's late for work. Night shifts aren't typically bad but they are if you're late, and he needs all the money he can get. (Especially after spending so much on the cameras and not on his rent.)

It's a long shift and he's ready to pass out. He barely shrugs his jacket off and sitting on his bed as he tries and fails to take his shoes off. Giving up, he decides to lie down, eyes trained onto the ceiling as his eyes blink slow. He checks your cameras, not finding you in bed but your bathroom light is on, so he's not too worried. You wouldn't leave without him knowing about it. (You had stayed sound asleep, curled into a cute ball while cuddling a pillow. He desperately needs to be that pillow. For science.) He shuts his phone off, leaving it on his chest as his hand snakes underneath his pants. He's too tired to properly get off but it helps relax him further, imagining his hands as yours as he rubs underneath the head and pleasure shivers through his spine. What he'd give to have you on top of him... his hand comes out of his jeans and just rest on his thigh as he sighs one last time.

He slips underneath the sweet blanket of sleep, enjoying the same dream he's had every night since he first met you. One where he busts in, takes your blanket off of you and starts fucking your mouth or your thighs, anything, you'd be his though. You'd tell him through tears to stop but then would beg for him to keep going. It would bring him so close and in the end, he'd wake up, hard and unable to think until he got off.

This time, it felt warmer, a weight settled on his lap and friction against his dick made him shiver. And in the middle of his dream, he became acutely aware of the fact it was a dream but something was definitely happening to him while he was asleep. The weight on his lap rocks, and then- tingles ride his spine, pleasure and he can feel his mouth opening, sighs and whines in the air while there's a cold breeze on him. His eyes open when he feels warm area around his cock until something wraps around his head, fingers tracing up and down his shaft. A moan shudders through him as the scene process quickly.

It's you, you're straddling his lap, having moved him further up on the bed with his cock out of his pants and your lips wrapped around the tip. He cries out when you pull it out and just barely licks from his balls to the tip, making the effort to put as much of him into your mouth before you gag. He says your name, whimpers it out, he's wanted this for so long but- he could've sworn, you never left your apartment, not that he saw. You shush him, a wicked grin on your face as you press a kiss to the head, swirling your tongue around him and giving his cock a proper suck. One of his hands reaches up to touch your head but you just use your hand to press his wrist to the bed. You pull off of him, spit and his pre smeared over your lips. "Did you really think you could put cameras into my house and I wouldn't notice?" His mouth dropped open in shock and he was quick to say something in return when your hand squeezes around him as you lean forward, clicking your tongue.

"I didn't say you could speak.. especially after following me everywhere, and those cameras, and don't think I didn't miss the underwear missing from my drawers." His eyes widen and your smile widens into a grin. "Yeah, forgot about that, didn't you? Did you also forget you were wearing them too?" He didn't have to look down to know the answer. Yes, he stole your underwear and yes he wore them. He couldn't help himself. He loved feeling closer to you in any way he could.

And- and you're actually here. Actually on him and stroking his cock and smiling down at him and calling him a creep, a stalker. It all felt so good- he wanted to pin you down and fuck you till you wouldn't even be able to move but god- his legs feel like jello and he'd let you do anything to him.

"-can't even listen to me when I talk, can you?" You breathe out laughing, smacking his cheeks a little as you lean closer, pressing your plush chest against his and smear his wet cock against your thighs. "You're so fucking pathetic, I didn't even touch you for five minutes and you're already spacing out." You push his face away before moving to get off him, pressing a finger to his chest to keep him lying down. "I didn't say you could move either. God you're dense." He whines when he sees you slide your shorts off, only moving onto his lap after you're stripped completely, giving him the show of your thighs exposed.

"Wanna be good for me?" You ask, stroking his cock again while leaning on his chest, nose to nose while he gasps— you're so close, so warm, so soft, god you smell so good, you feel so so good, he'd do anything you want please just let him kiss you, fuck you, anything. He nods, a whine being pulled out of his throat when you lean close enough just to graze your lips against his before pulling away to sink down onto his cock. His head spins as you coo, sinking completely down and rolling your hips. "I already prepped myself at home, but you didn't see that, did you?" He definitely missed that. How much did he miss?

"Hm... while I have you here," you say, lifting yourself up before sinking down again. The soft, wet heat of your cunt surrounds his senses and he can't think, can't speak, can only mumble words that sound suspiciously like your name. "You're not exactly slick. I know you've been stalking me since June. The cameras since the beginning. I only found out about the underwear right now but I knew they were gone." You roll your hips, moaning out his name, his actual name. "Fuck, Wilbur, couldn't you just ask me out like a normal person? Now we both look weird. With you in my underwear and me breaking into your house after you broke into mine... jesus fucking christ," and he sobs into the air when you start bouncing.

"Don't think it's going to go back the way it was before. You're mine now, got it?" You bounce faster, your voice coming out breathier as you moan between your words. He knows at some point he starts begging but then your hand covers his mouth and you groan into the air. "You'll come when I tell you too, okay?" And he nods, fuck, fuck, you're so warm, so hot, he wants to touch you so bad but he can't- fuck, he squeezes his eyes, trying and trying to hold back the orgasm, doing all he can to hold it back.

You slam down and you shiver, moaning his name into the air, and you squeeze your walls around him and he's sobbing. Pleading and begging to come. It makes you squeeze harder. He needs to, please, fuck just let him please— "go on then, come, come inside me, come inside like a dirty fucking whore." The feeling barrels him over, spilling his come inside of you while you rock your hips, and it quickly crosses into pain instead of pleasure when you start bouncing again. "You gotta make it up to me for all that stalking you did, all those cameras? You're mine, my little toy to use whenever I want."

Hours later, when you're satisfied and you've cleaned the two of you up, you made him promise to take the cameras down and to properly take you on a date. (And upon the admission he went broke for those cameras, you smacked him and planned to edge him the next time you would have sex.)

And hours past that, when you are tucked into his side and his arms are wrapped around your soft tummy, he nudges his nose against your neck, breathing the scent of your skin in. With you deep asleep, he tugs you closer into his chest, arms wrapped tighter. Your ass in his crotch and he can only moan into your neck. You'll be the death of him... but you're his. And even better, he's yours. His heart skips a beat.

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #55: Updates on my novel and also my life

So, the blurrg sex scene probably isn’t integral to the main thread of my novel. But, I’m hesitant to cut it because I think it would be kriffing hilarious to tell people there’s a sex scene in my story, only for them to find out two-thirds of the way in that it’s just two blurrgs blurrging it on.

Also, the fact that I witnessed it with my own two eyes on Ryloth means I have to share the trauma.

A few more no-context spoilers for fun:

Fannie’s Sisters Casually Emasculate Me Over Dinner

Fifty Teenage Twi’lek Boys, One Brain Cell

Pennie Pentarra is Not the Innocent Victim I Thought She Was

Ruut Pentarra Joins the Club of People Who Disapprove of Me Dating Fannie (But Because He Thinks I Could Do Better)

Fannie and I Spent the Night in a Sex Dungeon (Nothing Happened)

And also…

Fannie and I Broke Up (Again)

So! I’ve spoiled the ending for you! You don’t even need to read it!!

Did I write this post mainly because I didn’t know how else to announce my breakup? Maybe. Possibly.

It’s not like it’s a surprise or anything. I think we all saw it coming.

Well, except for her, maybe.

…

Well—anyway.

I thought writing a novel about my own life would be easy because I didn’t actually have to come up with the plot, but—there is actually an art to arranging the details in a way that flows and makes sense. So, even though I’m like 80% done with my first draft already…I know it’s kind of garbage at this point, and I’ll have to do quite a bit of polishing.

Luckily, I will have lots of time to do that! Because…I finally admitted to my mom about Snoke Part Two: The Snokening, and—as expected—she is making me quit my job and move back home immediately!!

And normally that would leave Poe paying 2,000 credits of monthly rent on his own, but in the interests of expediting my homecoming, my mom is graciously paying the difference until Poe can find another roommate.

Luckily, I know a guy. He threatened to kill me in the back of a Spacebucks once, but, eh—water under the bridge.

And speaking of ol’ stick-up-his-butt…

…I ended up paying back Armitage for all my “free” coffees.

Yeah. The Force made me do it—or something. Call it an early Life Day miracle.

I’ve been rethinking a lot, let’s just say that. I knew I could part with the credits, since I won’t be paying rent for the foreseeable future, and I’m gonna look for a new job on Hosnian Prime.

Ha. Armitage, Poe and Beebee-Ate. Now, I can see them all getting along reeaal well. Heh heh heh.

Sigh. I’m gonna miss Naboo, and miss Theed. I’ve spent the past three years of my life here.

…I miss Fannie too. I wish I hadn’t…well…yeah.

I’ll even miss Poe and Beebee-Ate. I’m leaving right as they were beginning to grow on me. Poe’s been a good buddy (even if I’ve seen his bare ass more times than I ever wanted to).

About the only thing I won’t miss is my job—but even then, it was part of my routine, something that made my days predictable in the bad way but also kind of in the good way, and it was a key part of my new life as an official grown-up adult-person-guy.

I’m gonna hang out with my old college bud Treeso one last time before I leave Naboo. And then I’m gonna put in my two weeks’ notice, pack up my stuff, try to sell whatever I can’t take home, and then…that’ll be that, I guess.

Goodbye, Naboo.

I feel like everything in my life is changing all at once. It’s…kind of sad.

But…that’s just how it goes. Isn’t it?

“Always in motion, is the future,” Fannie said, when we were breaking up.

“What?”

“The future. It’s always in motion.”

“Well, yeah—but why’d you say it backwards, the first time?”

“I don’t know,” she said, surprised, like she’d never thought about it before. “That’s just always the way Master Luke said it.”

And speaking of Uncle Luke…

…Mom wants me to start meeting with him again.

…It’s okay. Fannie and I aren’t a thing anymore anyway, so…

…Yeah.

My twenty-fourth birthday is in a couple of weeks. I was originally gonna do something for it, ‘cause I have ongoing December-birthday-overshadowed-by-Life-Day trauma—but…meh. I’m too busy now to celebrate. Twenty-four’s pretty much the same thing as twenty-three anyway.

Hey—sorry I haven’t written as much, the past month. (Well, I’ve been writing a lot—just, not for my blog.) But…I’ll try to keep you guys updated on my move, and whatever. Happy to answer any questions about my writing project, too.

Oh—but do me a favor and don’t…ask Fannie about my trip to Ryloth, or anything. Some…stuff happened while I was there—I mean, besides the breakup—and…well, I think it’s just best if you don’t ask. I’m not sure it’s something she’d like to talk about.

Hope everyone is staying warm and enjoying season’s festivities and punching germs in the face and all that.

Me—I’m doing pretty okay, too.

You know me. I always pull through.

Your dude,

—Ben

[boundbyeclipse]

📬

alright, since i’m so open with you all on this app, i think it’s best if i talk about my struggles and let myself be heard. considering my previous post about my roommate/friend, this one will be exactly about our journey that began a few years back. i’ll warn you, this post is very open and honest, and also quite long. if you are willing to read everything - thank you for your time. now let me start.

so, four years ago, 2019, at the end of summer, we both moved in together to another city, away from our parents and out of our hometown. we have always joked about living together, but didn’t think it would come true. well, it did. i guess it was just meant to happen. everything was good for the first two years, we spent so much time together, even worked at the same place, until she met this guy. well, it was a messy situationship but i won’t get into details about it out of respect. the important part is, when she started dating him, there no longer was any proper girl time. whenever we decided to watch a movie, or do something together, it would just always end up with her dashing through the door just to see that guy. or he would come over and the “party” would be over in a second. it always happened like that. and what hurt me the most, (i remember this like it happened yesterday) was one time, we were drinking wine, and dancing, just having fun. and me being an emotional person, (ofc the alcohol affected me even more) i began to cry so hard because i felt lonely (relationship wise). she patted my back, told me that i will find someone one day. but then, suddenly she gets a text from him and rushes to get ready to go to his place. so she leaves. i’m all alone. i’m crying sitting on the FLOOR. and it’s all because she was so naive and needed sex. i understand, first boyfriend, falling head over heels and all that stuff causes you to be naive, but it shouldn’t cross the line to the point where you totally ignore your best fucking friend who needs a person by their side. i felt so abandoned, so sick to my stomach, because the ONLY person i relied on and trusted so much did that to me. and even if i managed to kind of cool down and lowkey forgive her for that (i never actually talked to her about that night), i still remember it. i don’t think that’s what best friends do.

next, some time after that, i fell into a bad place again, i left that job, wanted to find a new one, and it took me a bit of time to achieve that. but during the time while i wasn’t working, my mom offered me to move out and go back to my hometown. i said no, because i didn’t want to go, i liked it here and i liked the fact that i had my private space and could explore a city that i wasn’t familiar with before coming here. she begged me to stay here because she would not have known what to do with the rent. and since we pay it in half, she would have to pay the full rent until a new person was found if i left. so i stayed for me and for HER.

two more years passed by, and i’m in a very similar situation right now. i haven’t gotten any luck with finding a new job. it’s a struggle. and what does she do this time? she tells me “this is the last month you’re living here if you can’t get a job”. and it’s not on me if nobody is interested in calling me for an interview, right? 11 applications, but 0 calls. am i at fault here? no. so now she basically threatens me with kicking me out?? no problem, i’m packing my bags day by day, because this is not what i want anymore. yes, starting life in a different location was always exciting, but i’ve gotten sick of it. i miss my family. i miss my home. and it doesn’t matter if i have gotten used to this city, this apartment, this lifestyle, i just feel like i don’t belong here anymore. my gut is telling me “go, you’ll be better off back HOME” and i cannot keep ignoring it.

i also just had her talk about me in the kitchen like i’m not home or can’t hear her. and what i hate the most is that she never talks to me about any issue eye to eye. it’s always behind my back or through the texts. if you are that unsatisfied with how things are going for me and how my mental health is, talk to me in person. no friend goes around and talks about their friend who’s so close to them behind their back. this is completely unacceptable and disrespectful.

so, i have been gathering my things and i am getting ready to move out. it’s time. and yes, i will have to start everything from zero, but if that’s what i feel like is best to do, i’m going to do it.

if you made it this far - thank you for your time. i just wanted to pour my emotions out and tell my beloved mutuals what i’ve been going through. thank you everyone 🤍

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

I need to do a whole... Post. On life and what's coming up. But it's SO overwhelming.

Edit: this became a really messy overview of it. Tldr is that I'll be in Oregon and Washington for an unknown period of time.

We have to be out of our current place by the end of February.

I have a friend who is gonna take Kono and Emily for us after that, so I'll only have Socrates with us as we face potential homelessness.

I am trying to break all of our tasks down to their base level but the overall gist is:

Whittle down our possessions by Quite A Lot.

Get all of the trash out.

Get caught up with T-Mobile and cancel my brother's line, preferably before the 21st. Unsure how do.

Keep leash-training Socrates.

Sell/toss/give away everything we can part with to raise money and narrow shit down.

Pull futon chair out of room and deep-clean. Sand the frame down and paint it. Deliver it to Weed Daughter.

Clean out closet, break down desks. One is staying with me, one is going to Adrienne. We're getting rid of like all of our furniture except for a desk, a table, and a bookshelf.

Figure out the base minimum items we need and want with us at any given time. Like... Clothes, meds, glasses/contacts, phones, toiletries, etc.

Fix the car. I have some of the parts but I need more, and I need to heavy detail clean it, and it needs an oil change.

Clean out and defrost the big freezer, because landlord will take money off my debt for this, and because I can figure out what can be salvaged or not.

Pack the things we're keeping but don't Need All The Time. Needs to be in plastic where possible.

Get a storage unit (and hopefully pay for it several months in advance) and move the keep items into it. Some items that can't be exposed to the elements (electronics, makeup) will stay at my daughter's house, but not everything.

Clean both cat boxes out deeply so that one can be at Tab's and one can be with me.

Rent a U-haul to take a massive load to the dump, and the two pieces of furniture I'm giving to Adrienne to her place.

Buy cat carriers.

Move the Bare Minimum plus camping gear into the car.

Move the bed to Tab's house because she may be able to let us stay with her until mid-March, and it would be a good transition for the cats, since two of them are staying there.

Get a copy of Raven's birth certificate.

Get all of Raven's therapy records and medical records compiled and printed out in duplicate (one for the medical binder, one for the courts). Gotta do the same for me.

Deep-clean the rooms we're in currently, possibly paint them.

Replace the flooring of the bathroom (minimum) and possibly the bedroom and walk-in closet, because it was all installed badly. Not technically my problem, but if I fix the floors and walls, landlord will take away from the money I owe him. I also would like to replace the lighting fixture because it's been dead since before we moved in, and he takes money off for parts AND labor.

Get a tow hitch installed on the car. If I can find a teardrop trailer that would be phenominal. But even just a small hauling trailer, or a freight platform, to keep stuff in/on? Would be great.

(There's laminate flooring already for the bathroom. I'd hit the Habitat for Humanity store for the rest of the flooring, cuz it's cheap af.)

Clean the den and porch that we use off.

Officially move out.

And when we're done with all of that, I have to do this stuff:

Move into Tab's for two weeks.

Stay with daughter for a few days while I take care of some stuff with a friend in Sparks.

Buy a PO Box for six months in Salem, OR.

Pack us, our stuff, and Socrates into the car and drive.

Drive to Contra Costa County (~4 hours away in the Bay Area of California) to get a copy of MY birth certificate.

Drive to Oregon.

Because we can't get approved for any of the low-income housing in this area until we get Raven's legal issues in Oregon sorted out.

If anyone has a couch we and one (1) orange dumbass cat could crash on for a few days, let me know, because the current plan is to just Be Homeless.

Raven has to turn themselves in up in Hermiston. We don't know how long they'll be in jail. It could be one day, it could be six months. They thought they were in compliance, and they were, but the courts don't know that, so we need to prove they've been doing what they were supposed to.

Before we do that, we want to see some friends. One in Washington and one in Salem. We also need to get Raven's state and national park passes because then I can get free/cheap camping while they're in jail.

If Raven's incarceration is going to take longer than a month, I'll go get the job in Salem at the T-Mobile call center. It's waiting for me, essentially. I'll get a little shithole apartment somewhere nearby and go across the state to visit them every week, and use the time to save up some money. But we don't know.

That's the worst part, is the Not Knowing. I don't like not knowing a timeline. I'm chronically late anyway, I don't need this in my life.

But if I do the T-Mobile thing, I'll be able to pay off our debts. Including the child support (we've been trying to catch up on that but it's so much and Raven was homeless for a lot of it).

But I'll also be in Oregon - unideal for me - and alone.

It's just. A lot. And it needs to be done in a very short time, with very little money.

I have pondered a gofundme, and selling like, cat toys (bc I can sew and crochet them on the cheap). But I don't have the time to invest in making things to sell, and I don't want to do a gofundme again. I also considered a small kickstarter to like, buy materials to make toys and clothes and stuff, once we go to Oregon, and send out to backers. I have been trying and failing to find a job.

I'm just so tired.

[rockofeye]

Ogou, a project finally finished, and upcoming possibilities!

The calendar has gotten ahead of me, and here we are again on a jou fet/feast day for Ogou. It's been quiet around these parts for a minute (more on that below..), and it feels like that kind of timing that puts you in exactly the right place at the right moment. Funny how divine providence works.

If you've hung around for a minute, you know the story I'm going to tell. Maybe I sound like an old person who walked barefoot up a hill in three feet of snow to go to school, but it's something that stuck with me and it's something that really did change my life.

Today is St. George's feast day, which is a day given to at least one Ogou for most if not all vodouizan; it's probably one of few overarching pieces of sameness that you can find country-wide in Haiti. Ogou is central to Vodou; it was Ogou Feray and Ogou Je Wouj who sprang up during Bwa Kayiman and who stoked the revolutionary spark that made the first free Black republic a reality. He is probably more central than he is given credit for; he is certainly overlooked at times in favor of others.

I've had the grace to not be able to overlook Ogou. He made sure of that when he (among others) brought me to my spiritual mother and the lineage named after nasyon Nago, the family of Ogou.

He also made sure of that when I was careening down a very bumpy road towards kanzo. It was 8 years ago now (!!) that I was sitting in an apartment that I would end up abandoning not knowing how in the hell I was going to get everything in order for kanzo just a few months later. I didn't have the money, I didn't have the stuff I needed, I don't even think I had my passport at that point. I was in serious trouble, and I knew it.

So, I did what I could and sat and made a small service for Ogou. I bought what little I could put together, made it pretty, and presented it to him. In retrospect, it's kind of cute what I thought I knew and must have been like a small child presenting you with the product of their toils: the spiritual equivalent of a mud pie with dandelions stuck in it and a macaroni necklace.

But, I did it and I told Ogou that I knew I had made a promise, I knew that I was in trouble, and that I would do whatever he told me if it got me into the djevo. I lit the match and gave it to him, he set the fire and burned my life down.

Within two weeks, I abandoned the apartment I had and packed my car to make a couple of trips into Boston to live in a teeny tiny rented room that was close to my job that Ogou would direct me to quit. I sold my car, any possessions I had that were worth money, and took my stacked vacation time money from the job I quit, all while working up until a few days before I needed to fly to Haiti and hustling at night with whatever side gigs I could find. I bought my flights to/from Haiti before I prepared anything else or even had the money I needed in my hands because I figured that it would be pretty awkward if I had to fly to Haiti and just...hang out when I had been planning to kanzo all along.

It looked like things were going to work out. I was barely sleeping, but the money was coming in and I had the things I needed to go to Haiti with....but what would things be without a last minute twist?

Two days before I left for Haiti, I found out that the way my rent was going to be paid while I was in Haiti fell through. So, I spent two days moving what I could into a friend's basement and abandoned the rest of my belongings, again. I had some boxes, a couple bags of clothes, my suitcase to go to Haiti with...and that's it. Everything else was gone, and I found myself in an airport unsure of where I was going when I got back.

I made it to Haiti after delayed and canceled flights and some crying in a corner, and the rest is history. Ogou (and all my lwa) held me up during the process, and held me up afterwards while he helped me rebuild the life I gave him to burn down. Literally everything I have now descends from the hands of Ogou and my lwa. Career and professional success, home, relationship, spiritual opportunities...all of it down to the last little piece. Nothing is without his/their influence, and my life has become worth living because of it. He saved me, and it all really started on this day 8 years ago. It's been a wild ride the last 12 years with the lwa, and I genuinely couldn't ask for anything better.

'Gratitude' is not a sufficient word because it cannot encompass how I hold all these things inside of me. It is beyond language and verbalization, and when I find myself in front of Ogou and wanting to thank him yet again for all that he has done for me, words are insufficient. I look at him kind of despairing to explain, and he just nods. He knows.

And here I am. Like I said, a wild ride. I looked at a calendar the other day and it really has been 12 years since I got dropkicked into Vodou. So much has happened and so much is to happen and to become. I am not yet the reflection of what I believe the lwa want for me, but I do believe I am climbing closer each day.

I've been pretty occupied in the last year with big stuff; I wrote previously about the completion of my husband's immigration process FINALLY which has him in the US with me permanently (and back and forth to Haiti as life allows). After that, a rather large project occupied most of my time/energy.

Details about that and upcoming stuff behind the cut.

I keep a lot of things close to my heart and am careful about what I write about here, both for practical and esoteric reasons. I strive to be transparent and vulnerable in healthy ways, and yet maintain some semblance of privacy, especially for those closest to me, like my husband.

But we did a thing and it's such a big thing that it deserves a mention in the place where I have detailed some of the most important bits of my life. Presenting our first collaborative effort:

Bondye, all the lwa, and the power of our collective ancestors gave us the opportunity to bring this soul and newest ancestor into being. We are happy to have our little potato with us. This is what has kept me so quiet here; pregnancy is not for the weak and it was a ride I, your friendly neighborhood gender non-conforming houngan, never thought I would take....and yet life with the lwa brings new twists and turns and beautiful gifts. I was deadset on never having children of my own, and here I am with a little potato.

This has opened a wide new world for me and boy have the lwa had a lot to say before and after the potato arrived. They are a tiny pitit Ginen and the lwa have been clear that we can never forget that.

So...there's that. It's funny, but being the caretaker of a potato that the lwa are deeply invested in brings me back to why this blog was started in the first place: I was having experiences that I did not see reflected anywhere, so I decided to write it all down.

I am not the first parent in the world, of course, and absolutely not the first vodouizan to bring forth a child...but again I don't find anyone else with my particular constellation of experiences having a similar experience. This time, at least, I have plenty of people to call and chat with when I have questions about the intersection of Vodou and the potato.

I expect some of it will make it here and some won't. My rule about writing about people that are close to me is that they get to consent about what details I share. When I write about my (human) husband, I share it with him before it posts. As the potato has not yet developed the capacity for consent, what is presented about them will be limited. Their face won't make it onto Tumblr or any other platform or social media I write on, and personal details will remain as neutral as I can make them. If you are one of the folks who knows me in an offline kind of way, I'd ask you to respect that as well.

Other things:

Tomorrow, I will have a post about an upcoming opportunity to celebrate Kouzen. I had hoped to have something put together for his actual fet day on the 1st, but like November is given over to Gede, all of May is Kouzen's month. Look for details tomorrow.

By next week, I will be live on Medium. This will allow folks to get my long-form posts directly in their email or via the feeds they use elsewhere. My long-form posts will continue to be posted here, and I will continue to answer questions and interact with posts here.

Website is coming!

I am toying with launching some online educational opportunities and have some specific plans, but would also like to hear what folks are interested in having live educational opportunities on. I'll post separately about that as well.

My husband is launching his atelier, expect posts about what he has available as well!

So...how are you?

[ashleywool]

Look...I'm no statistician, but...

I HIGHLY doubt it's a coincidence that Tony viewership dropped 14.6% the year they snubbed the ONLY musical in history that represented and celebrated the most passionate, dedicated, and under-appreciated evangelists of the Broadway fandom.

This isn't a slight against any of the other folks who were represented on that stage. They are my friends and colleagues and they deserve all the recognition they are getting and more. This isn't even a judgment of the Broadway League. I know how this stuff works. I know the point of the awards show is to get national audiences interested in coming to New York, and that the odds of an early-season closure getting nominations in an already-packed season is slim to none, and we were far from the only ones left out. (I'm still especially flabbergasted that Harmony got ignored. It was, in my expert opinion, about as perfect as a musical could possibly get.)

Even still, there were plenty of reasons to tune in, between all the wonderful shows that WERE deservedly represented, and the fact that it's only the second full Broadway season since the shutdown.

I can understand the financial constraints that are still resulting in overall lower grosses/attendance at the shows themselves, but for Tony viewership to be down 14.6% from last year? When it's accessible on more platforms and in more parts of the world than ever before?

You're never gonna convince me that that only happened because of Father's Day, and had nothing to do with ticking off a giant sector of diehard Broadway fans, many of whom had already made active plans to see HTDIO but never got to go.

But, like so many other things I know about the power, passion, and prevalence of the autistic community, I can't prove it. It might not be proven within my lifetime, and even if it is, the people who don't wanna see it will still ignore it. Or try to frame it as a "me" problem. That's just something I have to live with, and my heart and logical brain know that that's okay, even if my ego doesn't like it.

I am optimistic about HTDIO going to London, though. The UK theatre scene has its own set of issues, but "cultural de-prioritization of theatre" isn't one of them, and neither is "everything being controlled by the landlords."

I found out that you don't even need a deposit or show proof of income to rent an apartment there, and credit scores are NOT A THING. The cost of living is still quite high, and the West End actor salaries are not what they should be, but it makes me happy to know that at least none of those actors are going to have to ask for a $9K salary advance just so they can move into the neighborhood. And if they happen to be an off-the-books gig worker on the side, or they're receiving unemployment at the time of the application, it DOESN'T MATTER. The landlords don't care where the money comes from, or how good their tenants have been at paying other people on time in the past, or how much debt their tenants have, as long as they get the rent on time every month. What a dang concept.

At the end of the day, whatever happens or doesn't happen or could/would/should have happened, I'm still deeply proud of our show, I still love the craft and the culture of musical theatre, and I love the Broadway community more than I even realized was possible. I don't think there's any force in the universe powerful enough to make those things less true.

Life is always gonna be hard and unfair, but theatre people are my favorite people to do hard and unfair things with.

[comfortableinthesilence]

Rambling post about my living situation for the next two weeks, the added hassle/stress but going with the flow and making the best of a stressful situation….

Its been a while since I made a rambling post and I guess I just need to vent out my thoughts so I can get them out my head… so every year due to where I live (a static caravan on a permanent residents site) for the first 2 weeks of February I have to leave my home and stay else where. Its all due to licensing and stuff with the business that runs the site and the council. Its frustrating. In previous years I've hid this fact and just made excuses to friends, work and even someone I dated at the time! I guess out of embarrassment and caring what others would think. That's different now, like my work know, colleagues know and most importantly the person I'm dating knows, which is nice! But here comes the negative aspects….

So I end up renting somewhere for the two weeks with my mum and stepdad (as they are in the same boat), we stay at the same place each year as its cheap but comfortable! Only thing is it's 1 hour away from home and this year is going to be a stressful one! Normally I book the two weeks off work and enjoy time off but because I'm leaving for my new job in March, they are trying to get their moneys worth out of me, getting me to run training sessions for another 150+ colleagues, along with supporting the other 160 odd I've already trained. While I know I can take my leave I feel if I do, they'll make the last few weeks I have a hassle so its a tight rope to walk! So I'm gonna have to get up at 4:30am on days I go work to do a 2 hour drive and I'm just not looking forward to it!!

To add to the work stress is the family stress! My step dads health is very poor right now! He's off work, can barely move, has no strength or balance and needs assistance either from my mum or his crutches to move. Spending 2 weeks in a small space with him is going to be mentally and physically draining. Don't get me wrong, love the fella and thank him for making my mum happy (most the time) but he can also be snappy, rude, overly sensitive and just not pleasant to be around at times! I understand his health is fucked and that doesn't help matters but when he takes it out on my mum in the way he speaks to her, I just find it hard to hold my tongue! My mums not looking forward to the two weeks either due to his health and I think its just not gonna be the same as it has other years!

Then comes the hassle of it all, having to make lists after lists of what to pack, what I need to do before leaving, making sure I have everything I need (as we aren't allowed back on for the two weeks) etc etc. Its tedious and stressful having to pack your life into a couple bags and boxes for two weeks! At least this year with my Etsy shop now closed, I'm not taking my printers, materials or packing supplies. I am however taking my physical art stuff, canvases, class cutter etc! I will have some time to work on physical art and personal projects! But yeah packing my life for 2 weeks isn't fun and just frustrates me 🙃

Oh and to top it all offwith this stress and hassle, I need to pay my second part of my site fees, totalling £2650 by Feb 9th and I have about £2000 secured so still short! Like I'm trying not to stress on it but its nigiling away at the back of my mind ha!

So there's my ramble and while there is stresses and negatives, I do have some positives….i get to spend 2 weeks with my bud Pip the doggie, get to spend time with family too (even if it will be stressful). Most of all tho, I have plans to meet up with the person i’m dating, A 😍🥰 planning on seeing her twice in the two weeks and its what I'm looking forward to the most and focusing on. Like we’ve spoke for hours on the phone the last few evenings and we just waffle and laugh and it just feels natural. I don't know if its because we’ve been friends for a long time and things have just progressed but yeah, she makes me feel comfortable. I've been so closed off and kept people at arms length for so long but with her I just feel like myself and I can be dorky and goofy on the phone and not get all anxious and awkward. She's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before bed and I know thats cliche and mushy but she makes me that way 😅🤓😋 I'm just hopeful for the future and what this leads too 💕😅

If you made it this far congrats and have a gold star 💫⭐️ haha! I find rambling thoughts out helps clear the mind and helps with focusing! While the next two weeks will be stressful I think, like with everything tho, I’ve just learnt to go with the flow of things. I control how my mood and day goes and not letting the stress bog me down. Focus on the positives and make the day a good one! Time to continue packing while working and getting stuff organised!

[myveryownfanfiction]

18+ MINORS AND THOSE WITHOUT AGE IN BIO DNI

chapter 22

tags: @illiana-mystery, @eclecticwildflowers, @onedirectionlovers2014, @eroticaplush

warnings: POV change, swearing, Dan has anxiety

“thanks guys for helping me pack all this stuff up.” I brushed my hair out of my eyes as I taped up a box filled with books.

“course. Least we could do after taking up camp here for the last few weeks.” Bill said as he stacked another box by the door. Kevin had rented a truck and was making runs between the apartment and the truck. “Just…” bill leaned on the box tower and looked at me. “You sure you want to do this?” I nodded.

“Course I do.” I said. Bill nodded and Angie patted his shoulder.

“leave them alone bill.” She said. “(Y/N) is old enough. Besides the two of them have been dating a while. What? 6, 7 months?”

“something like that.” I said as I started packing another box. “Bill, I thought you liked him?” Bill shrugged.

“I do. I just…sometimes I think they run into things. And well, (y/n) what are you going to do if something happens to him?” I tensed. “I know you don’t want to hear it but be realistic here (y/n). Then what?”

“bill.” Jackie sighed. “Leave it be. They’ve been through enough these last few weeks. I’m sure they have it figured out.” I nodded.

“if you don’t like it bill, just go. Hang out at the courthouse or something. I don’t care. Just don’t…don’t bring this down for me. I love him. Very much. And I want to do this. I’m going to move in with Dan whether you like it or not.” I said. Bill nodded and picked up a box.

“as long as it’s what you want. And you’re sure about it.” Bill admitted. He started taking the boxes down to the truck. Rubbing my forehead, Angie and Jackie came over.

“Don’t listen to him. He’s just…” Angie said. Jackie nodded.

“A jerk sometimes. Says he’s overprotective but comes across as an asshole.” She finished. I nodded.

“I know. And I know he’s just looking out for me. But yeah. He’s a jerk.” I laughed. “The apartment is paid til the end of the month. So you guys can stay here if you want. Dans going back to work tonight. Just sitting in. Things are…” I paused. “Starting to go back to normal.” Angie nodded and Jackie finished up the box I was packing. We finished packing in silence and took everything down to the truck. Once we got to dans apartment, they helped me take everything up and start to unpack.

—-Dans POV——

I paced abbies chambers, waiting for her to call a recess. Smoothing my hand over my shirt again, I tried to breathe deeply and keep my heart rate down. (Y/N) would kill me if I had another heart attack.

“Dan?” Abbies voice broke me out of my thoughts.

“your honor.” I said, smiling softly as she came over to hug me. “Abbie, I need to talk to someone and as much as I’d like it to be (Y/N)…I can’t tell them what this is.” Abbie nodded and we sat down in the window.

“I’m sure whatever it is you can tell them.” She said with a smile.

“I want to marry them.” I said bluntly. Abbies eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. I smiled at her and nodded. “Yes. I’m serious.”

“but Dan I thought…” I nodded and smiled softly.

“(Y/N)’s…” I shrugged. “Special. The thing is we’ve talked about it before. After that fight. And we both sort of agreed we’d discuss it again if it ever came up but we were pretty settled on not needing a ring on our fingers.” I sighed and adjusted my glasses. “Abbie, I don’t know how to tell them without making them try to see a proposal in every romantic thing I do. I never thought I’d even be considering this again. Let alone actually be having a conversation about it. But I honestly want to do this. I want to marry (Y/N).”

“propose right out then.” Abbie said. “Go somewhere you would normally take them on a date and propose. I’m sure they’ll say yes and you can have the discussion afterwards. About how and why and what comes next.” I nodded and played with my fingers. “Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean you need to jump into a wedding or wedding planning right away. There’s time to discuss consequences and actions and what’s next before all that.”

“and if they say no?” I asked, looking back up at Abbie. “I don’t think my heart could take that right now.” Abbie nodded and patted my arm.

“Dan, (Y/N) loves you very much. I’m sure that they will say yes. And if they want to talk it through before they give you a response, then guess what?” I shrugged. “They love you enough not to run into things with you on a whim.” I rubbed the back of my neck and chuckled.

“they uh…” I laughed. “Well we’re moving in together. They are bringing their stuff over right now and their friends are helping. They didn’t want me there, getting caused unnecessary stress.” Abbie laughed and nodded.

“Dan, there is no doubt in my mind that (Y/N) wants to marry you as much as you want to marry them. Go get a ring and put it on their finger.” I nodded and stood back up.

“thank you Abbie.” I whispered as she hugged me again. “I mean it. Thank you.” She nodded against my chest and I started the trip back to the apartment.

——normal POV——

I looked up at the sound of the door opening. I smiled as dan walked in, hands in his pocket.

“Hey.” He smiled at me.

“hey.” I responded, getting up and hugging him. Dan sagged against me and kissed my head. “Everything went well at the courthouse then?” He nodded.

“yeah. I also talked to Abbie about something.” Dan admitted as he looked around the room. “Finish unpacking?” I shook my head.

“not yet. Still got some stuff in our room. You might need to move some stuff before I can put mine away.” I admitted. Dan nodded.

“I’ll move whatever you need.” Dan hugged me again, burying his nose in my hair. “I’m exhausted. Want to go to bed?” I nodded.

“yeah.” I agreed, taking his hand. “Been a long day. I can finish this up tomorrow.” Dan tugged my hand gently, making me turn back towards him. “Wha-?” He kissed me softly and i cupped his cheeks.

“been wanting to do that all day.” He whispered. I giggled and gently scratched his beard, making him hum. “Love you.”

“love you too.” I smiled at him. “Now let’s go to bed.”

[fvckyouimaprophet]

🔀 and requisite wolfstar suggestion

I made the mistake of trying to answer this on mobile, so my first response got lost in the Tumblr void, but—

Taken from a playlist of ~2k songs, I got Let’s Get Lost by Beck and Bat for Lashes (yes, from the Eclipse soundtrack, lmao).

Sirius and Remus date when they’re teenagers, but it’s messy. It doesn’t work out. Remus is too restless, and Sirius has too much stuff he’s dealing with and sees Remus as the cure to it all, and it’s too much pressure for Remus to handle.

So one day, Remus just packs a bag and leaves. It’s not fair, and he knows it, but if he has to say goodbye, he’ll never go. So he doesn’t. He moves around a lot before he settles in NYC. You’re just a face among millions there, and that’s how Remus likes it.

He picks up odd jobs—bartender, dog walker. They just help pass the time. But New York is expensive, and eventually, he considers leaving again.

He’s working one winter night at the bar when suddenly he turns and there’s Sirius, shining bright as fucking always. His best friend from childhood, James, is with him, along with some ginger. Remus considers bolting, even though leaving in the middle of a shift would get him fired, but rent is due soon, and he desperately needs to buy groceries. And he won’t be a coward twice.

Sirius is so lost in conversation that it isn’t until after Remus walks up to where he’s standing and asks to take their order that Sirius notices. But once he does, it’s like the whole world stops, and even though it’s been two decades, Remus feels like a teenager all over again.

But then the moment passes, and Sirius orders, like nothing happened. Like he doesn’t know him. James freezes and looks between them, but he must decide against saying anything because all he does is mumble a shameful, “Thanks,” when Remus hands them the drinks. Can’t even meet his eyes.

And Remus knows it’s probably deserved. After all, he did just leave Sirius with no warning, but damn if it doesn’t hurt. Three hours pass, and Sirius sits with his back facing the bar, so Remus can’t see his face. The ginger—Lily, Remus discovers from the card she gives him to open a tab—orders all the drinks, and Remus is left feeling crushed and like a fool.

When his shift ends, he can hardly wait to leave. He rushes outside and gulps in cold air, fumbling for a cigarette, when he hears his name behind him. In Sirius’s voice. And he turns around, and there’s so much to say that Remus doesn’t even know where to begin, but then Sirius is tugging at his jacket, and they’re kissing, and Remus decides it’s better if he says nothing at all.

He lets Sirius pull him into a cab and take him back to his hotel room. And he’s utterly terrified about what will happen after, but for now, all that matters is that Sirius is here. And everything about him is familiar and completely new all at once, and Remus just wants to get lost in it.

send me a 🔀 and a ship, and i’ll shuffle my playlist and write an au based off of the song.

[undeadorion-archive]

I can't believe that in just a month, I finally graduate with an AA (2 year) degree. It only took 5 attempts at 3 separate schools across the span of 20 years.

Problems started even before I enrolled. I wanted to study animation but no schools near me had it. But I also had no idea how to find exactly what each school offered (this was back in 2001/2002 when not everyone had a comprehensive website). One of the schools I applied to even sent me a letter because they were confused why I'd apply for a program they don't have.

I finally settled on Evergreen State College in Olympia to study art. Being my first experience, I didn't realize how craptacular the school itself was. You didn't sign up for a specific program like "fine art" or "graphic design." You instead picked from pre-packaged sets of classes called stuff like "Labyrinths" that had an English class, a drawing class, and a print making class all bundled together.

My mom had promised that if I got accepted to a school she'd help me pay for books (I'd taken a year off after high school and just stayed home). When I finally knew what I'd need, I took the list to her with the final amount and she looked me square in the eye and asked how I was going to pay for it.

That school lasted only a year. After multiple bedbug scares and dealing with the crunchiest hippie types you can imagine, I was done. I switched instead to a local community college. And that was fraught with issues. Evergreen didn't do normal grades. They instead gave you a lengthy review at the end of the term with no concise way to say how well you did. So the community college just told me my credits didn't transfer.

Come spring term, I was so frustrated, I ended up having a breakdown in the advising office because nothing was working out. She made one call and got my grades transferred, it had been a glitch all along. But now I had double credits for art and english, which was...frustrating. So I'd made zero progress with an additional year of debt because of 1 person's mistake at the beginning of the year.

Determined to make it through, I enrolled for fall classes. Then everything went to shit. I injured my knee and missed a bunch of classes. I was living with a grossly abusive older sister at my dad's house who I had to get away from. I was the only one with a car, so she thought it was a good idea for me to get up at 6am, drive her to work, come home, go back to bed, then get up for my classes. She also threw me to the floor when I was injured and laughed at the fact that I couldn't get up.

I ultimately dropped out of school and had to get a full time job. Which led to a very long break from school.

In 2016, I was finally able to return to school. I was going to study set design at a local university. They actually had a program for it! At least, they did when I'd started looking in 2014. But by the time I actually was able to enroll, they'd changed the structure so you could take classes in it but it was now a big vague soup of a theater degree where you made your own path.

Unfortunately, I got hit with a double whammy in the spring of 2017. First, the department was doing away with almost every class having to do with set design. Everyone was pissed, including the teachers. Then the supposed friend I was renting a room from decided he wanted a barely legal twink from California with a vomit fetish to move in so he was kicking me out. By chance, my mom was moving back into town so we found an apartment together and I continued going to school. This was a bad decision.

With set design now out the window and yet another year of school wasted, I shifted my attention to architecture. Because I could still apply it to set design. And I did surprisingly well for a while.

The just before Christmas of 2017 (so about 10 months later), I came home from staying with a friend to find my mom had packed up and moved out. Took everything that wasn't in my bedroom, so took all my dishes and cookware. And an apron I'd sewn for myself. Just left me a note saying there was no other option and left the keys.

You see, I'd begun my gender transition in 2015. She must have assumed it was just a phase, because she burst into tears when my paperwork from the courthouse showed up just before Thanksgiving, finalizing my name change. She kept crying and saying she was "mourning the loss of her baby."

Yet again, I had to drop out of school and find a real job. That lasted about a year and I was MISERABLE. I moved back in with my dad, finally. Older sister had moved across the state years before, so I was safe. I enrolled back in the community college from my first go-round, but that barely lasted a term. I tried graphic design and I was bored out of my skull. I ended up getting a job, instead. That was the spring of 2019.

Then 2020 happened.

With so much time at home now, I rediscovered a passion for web design. Something I'd been doing off and on since the 90s. I did some poking around and found that same community college had a program for it. So when my unemployment was running dry, I applied. I started in the fall of 2021.

There were a couple points where I almost dropped out. Some classes and teachers that were so terrible I wondered if it was all worth it. But thanks to one very specific teacher, I kept going. I found I had an aptitude for the actual programming aspects as well as the design parts. He encouraged me to take Harvard's online classes for computer science and web design. And I did surprisingly well in those.

And now, finally. I'm in my last term of classes and excelling. I'm getting paid to tutor students in the classes I've already taken, even. I'm graduating with honors. Something I wouldn't have been able to do when I first started. I've joined 2 honors societies and been on the president's and the dean's lists.

No matter what bullshit life throws at you, the trick is to keep trying. Even if it takes you 10 times as long as it's supposed to, it will always be worth it when you get there.

[alice-escapes]

JP has a serious issue with patience and managing his expectations. As in, he’s incapable of both. He flies off the handle over something disproportionately minor and makes a thoughtless decision that has major ramifications, then expects everyone who is inconvenienced to fail in line because he wants what he wants. Anyone expressing dissent are his enemies.

He had been renting a room in a house with too many people and too much drama. Early in July he reached meltdown status. Someone had gone into his room, taken some tree and left $5 to cover it. He decided that the best recourse was to move out, no notice, and move in with his mother. Who was living in a rental house with his sister, her husband and their three kids, plus JPs youngest daughter, who his mother had been raising with no help from him or his daughter’s mom. He didn’t ask the people who were on the lease if they were happy to have him move in, and if they were, give notice to the woman he’d been subletting from. He packed his stuff into his car and mine and drove across town. Surprise, the prodigal son returns.

By the time we got everything there, it was 10 or 11 at night. His mother took it with exhausted resignation. She told me many times that it was easier to give him what he wanted right away because he would get it in the end anyway. His sister, however, put up a fight, so he got loud and finally I walked out unnoticed and went home. I was over all of it and all of them for the night.

When I got up for work the following morning, I had a text from him. His cousin had died during the night before, a heroin overdose. I did what I always did, and put him ahead of everything else. He wanted to hide from everyone, and I booked a hotel room for the week. When we met there at checkin, I heard the full story. The salient points:

While he and his sister fought the night before, he got a call from his niece, her dad was passed out and could JP help her and her mom move him. JP called after the sibling screaming match ended and all was well. They found him in the morning, not an overdose but a contributing factor. JP blamed himself, and I was never able to make him see reason and absolve himself of the blame.

I was immediately frightened when I saw him. He had a thousand yard stare, and was almost catatonic. I was so scared that he would follow his cousin into the grave, overdose himself. I watched him sleep every night for a week, until he suddenly became everybody’s best friend on Friday, except mine. He was gone all night, didn’t respond to my calls and texts asking where he was. That would be the new normal for the duration, and was the beginning of almost a year of my constant vigilance, focused on his wellbeing. I seemed to think that if he was lying dead somewhere, I could bring him back to life if only I could divine his location.

I could see him spiraling. He was running, partying for days, and I had no idea where or with who or what drugs he was taking. I could hardly sleep unless I was able to find proof of life. I checked call and text history on my cell phone account, where I paid for his service too, looking for outgoing communication. We had a joint bank account that was really his but I had to manage and I tracked transactions to assure me he was ok. And in June the following year, I gave up. I was so worn out and I could finally see the futility of what I had been doing. He was on a mission to destroy himself and he did not want me to save him. I couldn’t have saved him even if he did, because he was gone from me by then. He grew hateful and nasty in response to my efforts to love him, care for him. Even when he dropped the pretense of fidelity, I was benevolent.

I was convinced that this was grief, misappropriated blame, that he was seeking punishment. If I could love him enough, the way he needed to be loved, he would become himself again. In volumes of letters, I told him that I knew he was flawed but I knew how good his heart was. I loved him, exactly as he was, and I always would. That somehow we were more permanent than marriage. I used to say blithely that the only thing that would keep us apart is if I moved somewhere he couldn’t find me or if one of us were dead. Anyone who said we had a fairytale, I told we were more like the 21st century version of Sid and Nancy. Glib comments that were frighteningly prescient in the wake of all that happened. At the time I intended to say we were fucked up and toxic but we were also the only ones who truly understood the other. I was so wrong about so many things.

However, I finally understood that I was unable to control everything in the universe. I let go of my nightly pacing, my imaginary widows walk. I was free to have my own life, my own friends, to be happy. We were living definitively separate lives because I couldn’t stand any of the people he associated with aside from his other cousin who had become like a brother. I was too old for that street shit he reveled in. He found the validation he craved in the people he got high with no charge, the silly bitches who were happy to bounce on his dick for the clouds he let them blow.

I held tightly to my hope that there was redemption somewhere ahead, that he could get better. But August came along and things got worse, and I first started thinking that he seemed like he wanted to destroy everything that was good in me.

[nel-world]

It's Jane, right?

Well, Jane, I gotta say,

this place is awesome.

- Really? Does it inspire awe?

- No. I mean, you know, it's great.

Just what I've been looking for.

That's what I meant.

I had an entire house before,

detached and all...

...but I was just tired of the lawn care,

upkeep and whatnot. You know?

Well, the blinds are new.

Everything's been painted.

Jesus.

Utilities are included.

Stacking. Sweet.

- You got cable?

- Already wired. Just call to activate.

High speed, whatever.

Bathroom, cool tile.

Bedroom.

Nice.

I'm a fan of the hardwood.

- So you're interested?

- Definitely. Definitely, yeah.

And you're good with NP, NS?

Sorry. What?

In the ad? No smoking, no pets.

You wanna smoke, you do it outside.

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

It's cool. No worries.

All right, the usual drill. I'll need a W-2

or recent pay stub, current employer...

...former address, you know,

the yadda yadda.

And if it's all copacetic, I'll call.

Yeah. Look...

...the thing is...

...I can...

Unbelievable.

- I'm just currently between situations.

- Then I'm currently not renting.

Look, look, I got the money and

I'm totally good for it for, like, ever.

Come on, yo, can you please,

please just help a brother out?

Yo, my dad's not really

a make-exceptions kind of guy.

- Trust me.

- Your dad?

Owns the place. I manage it.

Pen on paper. That's what I need.

Or go run your game

somewhere else.

Dude, I got nowhere else to go.

This is it.

And I got no game, all right?

I just need a chance.

Look, my folks, they kicked me out.

I'm a disappointment, apparently.

Didn't meet their expectations again.

So you know, now

I'm persona non gratis or whatever.

But you know what?

I'm a good person and I work hard.

I will pay you every month

and I will pay you on time.

I will not mess this up, okay?

I swear.

Rent just went up.

A hundred more a month.

That's the cash price.

Yes.

Okay. Yes.

Hey, you rock. Thank you.

Thank you. You won't regret this.

And in addition to first and last,

I want two more months.

DBAA fee, non-refundable.

Yeah, of course. No problem.

DBAA. Obviously, yeah.

All right. So, what's DBAA?

- Don't be an asshole.

- Gotcha.

- I live next door.

- Really?

Don't think for one second you have

squatter's rights, because you don't.

If you blow this, I want you gone.

I know guys that'll have your skinny

ass out back by the Dumpster...

...faster than you can blink.

I'll fill it in. Just sign your name.

Which is what, by the way?

It's Jesse.

Jesse Jackson.

Seriously?

What?

///

MICHAEL

Look, you're the one that told Karen we'd have it all written out. There are gaps. Things we lost when we moved or stuff out of order.

JIMMY

Move.

MICHAEL

What?

JIMMY

This scene shouldn't be here. We had it at the top. We cut this song, this one too.

MICHAEL

What? We had a better version of this entire sequence. We worked on it all night, wasted, remember? Fourth of July.

JIMMY

I thought it was on my computer, but I can't find it anywhere.

MICHAEL

It's in my old notebook. Which I left back at— Forget it. I thought this was important to you.

JIMMY

We'll remember it. I'm sure.

MICHAEL

Not exactly how it was. You can't go back there, Jimmy. End of story.

///

You left your cave.

Yeah.

I was... I'm missing my TV.

Thinking maybe I'd hit Costco.

You know,

snag a big-ass wide-screen.

So...

Yeah.

What you drawing?

Damn.

That's good.

Make a hell of a tat.

That's the plan.

Really?

I work part-time, down at ABQ Ink.

Right on.

Yo, you're a real good drawer.

So there's this kid, right? He comes from a nothing family. You know, dad dies, mom remarries some animal, beats the crap out of him. The kid packs up. He lives on the streets. Drugs, stealing, you know, whatever. You've heard all this stuff before, which is why it's all done away with in the opening number. He hates the world. He thinks everybody's against him, which— He's probably right. He wishes he could show everyone how they really are.

I used to do a little of that.

You used to be a drawer too, huh?

What stopped you?

You know, just...

So tell me something.

What kind of tattoo artist

has no tattoos?

That's way too big a commitment.

Hey, man. You're Pinkman.

You're the man!

Everybody's been talking about you.

Yeah.

Right on, man. Keep it real.

"Pinkman, " huh?

Yeah.

I thought your name was "Jackson."

//

KAREN

I just called about you. Hey. Are you okay? What's going on? You don't look so good.

JIMMY

I may have done some drugs.

KAREN

Oh, you've definitely done some drugs. Which ones?

JIMMY

Nothing makes sense sometimes, you know?

KAREN

I know. Like, did I screw everything up? 'Cause, like, I was angry, and then Derek was angry, and then Kyle was angry. I mean, are you angry?

JIMMY

You're lying. Even like this, I see. I get so sick of letting everyone down. I am sick of it. It's like I do it all the time.

KAREN

Okay, let's go inside and get you some water. You can lie down in my dressing room.

JIMMY

Oh, no, I do not want to go in there.

KAREN

Jimmy.

JIMMY

Why? Why would I? So everyone can see what a mess I am?

KAREN

That's not why you go in there. You go in, so everyone sees you can handle rejection. It makes them respect you. I mean, when I didn't get Marilyn, that's what I did. I showed up for work.

JIMMY

So you really want me to go in there like this? You think that this shows that I can handle it?

KAREN

You're learning. You're getting a thicker skin.

JIMMY

I was waiting out here for you.

KAREN

You were?

JIMMY

I'm so glad you showed. Wow. Wow, and I'm not just saying that because I'm rolling.

KAREN

Let's try that again sometime when you're not high.

//

ACTOR 1

The songs are great.

KAREN

                So the boys have got some ideas about

                adding a couple of songs, but they

                need help with structure. Hope you're

                up for it.

                            ANA

                Up for what? You're not asking me to

                be a dramaturg, are you? You know

                full well my feelings about that.

                            KAREN

                Yeah? 'Cause the last time you used a

                dramaturg, it worked out pretty well

                for everyone. The boys have got

                talent, but they don't have time.

                They need a firm hand.

KAREN gives ANA a reassuring look.

JIMMY

The songs? That's all you have to say?

ACTOR 2

The concept's cool, but the dialogue and the characters...

JIMMY

Come on, guys, I can't be the only one who sees this.

ACTOR 3

Are you saying it was bad?

ACTOR 4

It just needs some work.

ACTOR 1

I wouldn't say "some."

JIMMY

No, you just didn't get it because it's not what you're used to. It's not Broadway.

ACTOR 2

Yeah, it's not good, so—

KYLE

//

Hey, yourself.

So listen. My...

My name is not really

Jesse Jackson.

It's Jesse Pinkman.

And that guy you met...

...he's not my dad.

You're not gonna kick me out,

are you?

Because I actually really like it here.

I don't make it my business

what you do.

So long as you don't do it here.

So, hey, I got this kick-ass

new flat-screen.

Wanna see?

It's got that thing where the blacks...

...are, like, you know,

really, really, really black.

And the Dolby six-point-whatever.

So it'll really rock the house.

But I'll, you know...

I'll keep it way down, of course.

I don't know what the hell

is taking so long.

Come on, come on.

JIMMY

I thought I was. That's the problem. How can you be so bad at something that you love so much?

KAREN

This was your first try.

KYLE

I just wish the whole show could be your songs.

JIMMY

Why can't it?

KYLE

What are you talking about?

JIMMY

You just mentioned Rent. It started as a book musical, but by the time it got to off-Broadway, the dialogue was gone, and it was all songs. Sung through. Jimmy could write some new songs to fill the gaps where the dialogue used to be. It's still your story, Kyle, and if you work fast enough, we could still go for fringe. All we need is a first act. I think it could work.

KYLE

I'll get the book. Then we'll start thinking about what songs we need.

MICHAEL

Hey, uh, can I— can I talk to you about something?

KAREN

I'm going to get some more booze.

MICHAEL

Uh, I need to talk to you about what happened at Ronnie's concert.

KAREN

You don't have to say anything.

MICHAEL

I know, but I want to. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, especially now that we're working together, you know?

KAREN

Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Kyle told me about your situation. I didn't know.

//

I really need to get some furniture.

I suggest you start with a bed.

God, I wish we could smoke in here.

- Well, you can't.

- Yeah, no.

I know.

I'm just saying.

Don't think I can't smell that weed.

You better seriously hope that airs out.

My dad will keep your security deposit.

He has a nose like a damn bloodhound.

Yeah? Has he ever caught you? Yeah.

Many times.

Well, listen.

Since I already lost my deposit and all maybe we should light up.

No, thanks.

You sure? Well, is it cool if I burn one? Maybe you'll change your mind.

Do what you wanna do, I guess.

Hey.

What'd I say? Nothing.

I just have to go is all.

What's this? My 18-month chip.

I'm in recovery.

And, you know, pot is like stepping stones.

Recovery? That's cool.

Right on.

I respect that.

You know, I don't really burn much anymore.

It's just a sometime thing.

But no more, like, in the house.

So you wanna go grab some dinner? I could really go for some Chinese.

No, I better hit it.

We We cool? Your satellite is on, by the way.

That screen is badass.

we got into fringe festival

//

i cant do it

KAREN

Today sucked. Rehearsal was crazy. It made me question why I'm even doing this at all. But as soon as I got out of there, the only place I wanted to be, the only person I wanted to be with was you, on stage singing. Because when I do, I remember why I ever wanted this.

JIMMY

Yeah, just not enough to actually stick with it.

KAREN

You can be mad at me. Fine. But don't take it out on everyone else. They worked hard for this. It's their last performance. Do it for them. Do it for yourself.

//

need a rewrite

KAREN

Yeah, exactly. Sometimes the work gets better. And sometimes it doesn't.

ANA

You know what? As nice as it is to see you, this isn't your problem. Maybe it would be if you were still in the show.

KAREN

You're right. I'm sorry. The theme you're looking for is already there. It's about reinvention, changing who you are, your destiny.

ANA

Mm. Unfortunately, that isn't universal, 'cause people don't really do that, do they?

//

hey're LED screens. They allow for a big range of photographic sets.

 ANA

Hey, what's going on?

JIMMY

Hey. I've just put together some ideas for the show, and I think you're going to like them. They're LED screens. They allow for a big range of photographic sets. They're from Japan, very high tech.

ANA

That's cool, but we're low-fi. I figured we'd have, you know, actual furniture.

JIMMY

Yeah, well, if you're not going to let me have a name actor for the diva, we need to make a statement somewhere. How about with the show itself? I'm just trying to get us on the same page.

ANA

The more you talk, the less I feel that we are. This isn't Broadway.

JIMMY

What do you know about Broadway?

ANA

Well, I know that you're used to getting anything you want there and that last time, you put so many bells and whistles all over everything that no one noticed the show had any problems until it was too late.

JIMMY

I'm just trying to open your show up. All right? That's what a good director does.

ANA

The show doesn't need opening up. It needs to be true to what it is.

JIMMY

Well, this is harder than I thought.

//

I don't want them overwhelmed by the staging.

SCOTT

Thematically, yes, one of the best things about the show is the chemistry between your two leads. I don't want them overwhelmed by the staging.

ANA

That was me thinking you wanted to make a splash with your first show, Scott. Blow the town away.

SCOTT

Yeah, but I don't want to bankrupt the theater to do it. Well, I've got five LED screens arriving this morning. They're all donated. Contrary to popular opinion, I've got some friends in this business.

ANA

Look, it'll be a Broadway show with an off-Broadway budget. Come on, at least let me show you what I'm thinking. It's a little vague right now, but picture red, white, and blue.

ANA

Where's our Marilyn? I thought we were doing Mr. and Mrs. Smith today.

ASSISTANT

We switched up the schedule a little bit at the last minute.

ANA

Well, no one told me.

//

JIMMY

Do you want to spend the whole time rebooting a computer? What I don't want is to show some kid simply walking across the stage for five minutes.

DEREK

It's "some kid" walking across a stage to tell a girl that he loves her. If we can't get an audience to care about that on its own, one of us isn't very good at his job.

JIMMY

So, what, you're saying I can't direct this show?

DEREK

No, I'm saying you hide behind fancy screens and orchestras and clothes because you have nothing else up your sleeve.

ANA

What do you think, Karen? Do we need any of this?

KAREN

Don't put her in the middle.

DEREK

I didn't. You did. Tell him what you really think.

KAREN

Shut up. It's okay. Go ahead.

ANA

It's not right for this show. I'm sorry, Derek.

DEREK

Pathetic, the lot of you.

..

DEREK

You know, I got bigger jobs, more money, bigger sets. And yes, there is a very slim possibility that you might have a point. It's been a while since I had to think outside the box.

JIMMY

Thanks.

DEREK

So your show's not about scenery or props or costumes, so what is it about?

JIMMY

Two people falling in love. And what gets in the way of that. And what gets in the way of love is other people. In my experience, at least.

DEREK

Great. Well, let's show that, then. Okay, so we're halfway through act one. Jesse has just heard Amanda singing a song on the radio, a song that he wrote that she stole. But he's not angry. He wants to see her again. So he goes after her. So stage right is Greenpoint, where Jesse starts out. Stage left is L.A., where Amanda is performing her first big concert as Nina. But the journey is tough. There are many obstacles in the way.

ANA

Obstacles? Thank you. Music track, please.

//

eah.

-We should do something.

-Yeah, we should.

No, something else.

We should go somewhere.

Have you been to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum? Is that the one with the A-bombs? Georgia O'Keeffe.

She's a painter.

You've never heard of Georgia O'Keeffe? No, is that bad? -Boy, you need some educating.

-Yes, yes, I do.

Come here.

Why don't we go up to Santa Fe? We'll make a day of it.

You wanna go all the way to Santa Fe for a museum? So romantic.

Yup, we're going.

Get up.

Why can't we just go to the movies or putt-putt? It's the shit.

A little culture won't kill you.

Besides, you might like it.

A lot of her paintings look like vaginas.

Really? -ls there still cereal? -Yeah.

Yo, if I know you, leave a message.

Where the hell are you? Pick up the phone.

-Hello? Jesse, pick up-- -Hold on, hold on.

Sorry, one sec.

-What? -I've been trying to reach you.

Where's your drop phone? -I've been busy.

-Well, clear your social calendar.

//

You weren't supposed to wake up.

Ever or? No, I was just thinking that I'd bring it, you know, in.

You want me to go back to bed? No, I guess that'd be kind of-- No.

Need some help? No, I got it.

Just have a seat.

Is there any coffee? Yeah, shit.

One second.

Well, at least let me do that.

No, I don't want you to have to do anything, you know? All right.

Here.

You take the good one.

It's huevos rancheros.

-I can tell.

-Yeah? -Fork.

-Oh, yeah.

There you go.

So, what are you up to today? Working? -Whatever that means.

-No.

I'm all yours.

//

And who's this? This guy can surf without a board? That's Hover Man.

He can surf, skate, glide whatever, because he's always got a 6-inch cushion of air under his feet.

That's cool.

Great lines.

And this guy? What's his superpower? That's Kanga-man.

Kanga-man? Half-man, half-kangaroo? -And who's this in his pouch? -His sidekick, Joey.

He rides around in his pouch and, you know fights crime.

So that makes Kanga-man a she.

You know that, right? Only female kangaroos have pouches.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But, you know, it's definitely a dude.

He's a product of experimentation.

He's kind of hot, I guess.

Nice haunches.

-And this is? -It's Backwardo.

Wait, no.

I actually-- I changed it to Rewindo.

Anyways, he goes backwards.

He can make everything go in reverse.

Time and stuff? Like time travelling? No, he just walks backwards.

He walks backwards? Is that a superpower? What good is that? No, I mean, he does it, like, really fast.

Okay, look, say someone's coming at him with a knife, right? I mean, it's helpful.

Then he can just zip backwards away from them.

Okay.

Yo, I was a kid when I drew all these.

It was like four years ago.

-They all look like you.

-What? It's you in all of these.

No.kjk,,

I wonder what a shrink would say if he saw them.

Oh, shut up.

Like you never wanted a superpower.

-ls that your door or mine? -I don't know.

It sounds like mine.

-I gotta go.

-Where? Hey, where? Hey, hold up.

Where are you? Jane.

Jane.

-Hey, Dad.

-There you are.

Hi, honey.

I saw your car, so I was pretty sure you were home.

Yeah, sorry.

I was working.

I had my headphones on.

Finally realized that I wasn't the drum track? -Exactly

//

Look, there's some stuff about me you don't know and.

Like you're a drug dealer? I kind of got that.

You pay in cash and you use an alias, so.

One of my guys a friend who worked for me got murdered.

It was my fault.

I put him on that corner.

I'm gonna smoke some crystal and I just think you should go being that you're in a programme and all and.

You could come with me to a meeting.

No.

No meetings.

We could just get out of here.

-lt won't help.

-Yeah, it will.

And I don't need you telling me that it won't.

I just.

All right, I really just need you to go.

Sir? Enjoy your meal.

Thank you.

You're late.

Yeah.

We're in the big time now.

//

I just think if we had enough money nobody could make us do anything.

Oh, just let it ring.

No, I'm gonna go see who it is.

//

 UNEXPECTED VISITOR

                Not here. Let's go.

                            JESSE

                Pretty nice place you guys here.

                            UNEXPECTED VISITOR

                What are you doing here? How'd you

                find me? You broke into my house, man.

                I knew you was alive. Did a little

                digging. Here you are.

                            JESSE

                Dude, I don't have it. Even with all

                these posters with your name on 'em?

                It's not anywhere near what I owe you.

                            UNEXPECTED VISITOR

                Well, you'll find it. I know where you

                live, and I know where you work. You

                know, maybe I could meet some of your

                new friends? I need time. I'll see you

                soon.

The UNEXPECTED VISITOR exits, leaving JESSE looking worried and tense.

//

So I was I was I wanted to ask you

                for an advance on my money

JESSE

                So I was I was I wanted to ask you

                for an advance on my money. It's just

                it's hard to work shifts at the

                restaurant when I'm in rehearsal.

                            EILEEN

                (smiling politely)

                Sorry to break it to you, but this is

                nonprofit theater.

                            JESSE

                Well, I mean, what about all these

                people? Aren't they supporting us? I

                mean, they don't look so hard up.//

//

DEREK

                Really? What about me? I'm right in

                front of you.

                            JIMMY

                God, that's enough! This is so sweet,

                I'm getting a cavity. The scene is

                supposed to prevent Amanda from

                committing suicide. You do it like

                that, the entire audience is gonna

                want to jump off the bridge with her.

                            DEREK

                That's a little harsh, Jimmy.

Derek gestures for them to try again.

                            DEREK (CONT'D)

                Do it again, please.

AMANDA tries a different approach.

                            AMANDA

                I don't understand. Your life is

                perfect.

Derek interrupts.

                            DEREK

                No, no! God, you're all over the

                place. This is a mess. I'm trying

                something different.

                            JIMMY

                Well, why don't you try my blocking

                instead?

                            KAREN

                All right, maybe we should take a

                break.

                            DEREK

                No! Again.

AMANDA starts again, frustrated.

                            AMANDA

                I don't understand. Your life is

                perfect.

Derek cuts in, exasperated.

                            DEREK

                My God. You know what? This is the

                last time I use untrained actors.

Karen steps forward, concerned.

                            KAREN

                Derek, what are you doing?

                            DEREK

                This doesn't concern you, Karen.

                            KAREN

                It feels like it does.

//

 DEREK (cont'd)

                I want to try and tell the story in

                flashback, all right? A bit like Sunset

                Boulevard or All About Eve.

                            ANA

                What do you mean?

                            DEREK

                Well, you know, it's like a classic

                murder mystery, where you begin with the

                ending. So, the diva's in disgrace.

                Amanda's dropped her alter ego. She's

                already succeeded just as herself.

                            JESSE

                Won't that spoil the ending?

                            DEREK

                No, it doesn't spoil it. It sets it up.

                            KAREN

                What are you talking about?

                            DEREK

                Okay, you, come with me.

Derek grabs Karen and pulls her towards the stage.

                            DEREK (cont'd)

                No, no. You. Come on, let's go. All

                right, the diva just here. Goes to

                Amanda's concert. All right? She's just

                a face in the crowd. She moves forward

                among the throng. Come on, throng.

                Join us. All right. She comes down to

                the front, all right? Okay, wait there.

                She raises the gun. Bang.

The room goes quiet.

                            DEREK (cont'd)

                But who did she kill? Jesse? Amanda?

                Someone else? That question would give

                away everything.

                            KAREN

                Yeah, we don't see you. Diva's the only

                person on stage. She's the only voice

                that we hear.

                            ANA

                (holding the gun)

                Yeah.

                            DEREK

                Ana, you still got the gun from the end

                of the last scene, right?

                            ANA

                Yeah.

///

JIMMY

(hesitant, conflicted)

Karen, I want that too. But... I can't just open up about everything. Not yet.

Karen's expression softens, understanding but still concerned.

                            KAREN

                Why not? What are you afraid of?

Jimmy looks down, struggling to find the words.

                            JIMMY

                It's complicated. There are things... things I'm not proud of. Things

                that... I don't want to burden you with.

Karen steps closer, gently placing a hand on Jimmy's arm.

                            KAREN

                You don't have to carry it alone. We're in this together, remember?

Jimmy looks up at Karen, his eyes reflecting a mix of gratitude and fear.

                            JIMMY

                I know. And I want to be honest with you. I just... need time.

Karen nods slowly, squeezing Jimmy's arm reassuringly.

                            KAREN

                Okay. I understand. Just know that I'm here whenever you're ready.

Jimmy nods gratefully, a weight seeming to lift off his shoulders.

                            JIMMY

                Thank you, Karen. For everything.//////////

DEREK:

This is a private audition.

JIMMY:

For my part?

DEREK:

No, for your understudy, genius. Been seeing people all week. You'd know that if you were ever here.

KYLE, the stage manager, enters with SAM STRICKLAND, a hopeful auditionee.

KYLE:

This is Sam Strickland. He was in the ensemble of Bombshell.

JIMMY:

Well, then, he should probably audition for the ensemble of Hit List and not my part.

DEREK:

Guess what? That's not your call. Sam's a great talent. He just hasn't found the right role yet.

JIMMY:

I know that you're a visionary, Derek, but I think you're losing your touch. Get him out of here, please, Kyle.

KYLE:

No, don't worry. I'm leaving.

Frustrated, Jimmy turns to Derek.

JIMMY:

My buzz just wore off.//

DEREK:

You'd just go A.W.O.L. for a week, and nothing would happen?

JIMMY:

Well, I was a little late a couple times. I'm sorry. I don't see why everyone's making such a big deal about it.

DEREK:

People are coming tonight who could bring this show to Broadway. Our show. It's what we always wanted. Doesn't that mean anything to you anymore?

JIMMY:

Don't blow everything up just because somebody broke your heart. This sounds stupid, but I don't know, I thought maybe she was the one. I'm not really sure there is a one.

DEREK:

Says the guy who just cheated on his boyfriend.

JIMMY:

I hate you.

DEREK:

No, you don't. I keep you honest.

KYLE approaches, interrupting their heated conversation.

KYLE:

Look, my parents are coming tonight. We're taking Blake to dinner before the show.

//

Jimmy and Derek exchange looks, their personal and professional tensions hanging heavy between them.

SCOTT:

Karen, I am so sorry. He's totally out of control. What you just saw was Jimmy's last performance. I don't want him around here if he can't get himself together, and I very much doubt that's possible.

Karen nods, absorbing the weight of the situation.

KAREN:

What about the show?

SCOTT:

We'll shut down for a couple of days, give Sam a chance to get ready. Just let me be the one to tell him.

KAREN:

Okay. Go on, then.

///

JESSE:

You want the story? Okay, well, my dad beat the crap out of me and my mom. After she died, me and Adam were on the streets. I dealt drugs, okay? I used them. I watched people O.D., and I didn't call 911. When you're living life like that, you do a lot of things that you are not proud of. Adam got me into that life. Kyle saved me. He is my real brother. So when I tell you that Adam is nobody to me, it's because he is nobody to me. Please just... I don't cut me out of your life because of who I used to be. I have changed. I wasn't a good person, but ever since I met you, it's all I want to be.

Karen listens intently, her expression softening with empathy as she processes Jesse's words.

KAREN:

Let's go take our seats.

They walk off together, the city lights casting a gentle glow as they find solace in each other's presence, carrying the weight of their pasts into a hopeful future.