#((and this is the last vent post i swear))

[arsenicflame]

well, now seems like a perfect time to re-engage with the bellhands side of the fandom because we never did care about canon over there anyway

[giyuulatte]

this is lowkey embarrassing and sad but ive literally forgotten how to talk to and be friends with people

[seventh-district]

.

[cruwmo]

i am sorry for ventposting so much, but i am like just. tired, of everything happening around me. and especially yapping about this during pride month, but yeah. i don't have anyone to talk to about this, haven't been given a therapy appointment yet haha. anyway.

i calculated everything last year, and if things had gone right, i could've started hrt this month. but the psychiatrist declined giving me a diagnosis because i am not binary enough and this is the best doctor they say we have in my country, well fuck her. and i can only go back in september.

i am not out publicly, just to friends and some family, i am perceived as a woman no matter how i look and i can't change that. i lost the people from around me who i thought understood because they're like me, but even one of those people sometimes made me feel invalidated on purpose, despite being my beacon of light for two years.

i have a genderfluid friend but we don't really talk about these things much and i appreciate them a lot, but our experiences are very different and i can't confide in them often. my friends try, but they still get my name wrong, they still misgender me in subtle ways, i know they'll never see me as a man or only if i look like what they perceive as a man.

i am tired of correcting people, i am tired of my identity being taken as a joke, i am tired of getting hurt, i miss having trans people around me, i miss having a community i never really had. i am grateful for the people now not in my life, because they're the reason i finally chose a name and finally started standing up for myself more. but i feel so alone and dysphoria is unbearable most days.

so this pride month i vow to myself that I'll stand up for myself more often, I'll demand respect, I'll correct people no matter how bad i feel, I'll put this first because i shouldn't be questioned and i shouldn't have to endure this, respecting my fucking being shouldn't have to be an effort.

and if you're going through something similar, know that we are seen by eachother here, know we are connected even through space. and we will get to the place we want, no matter how long it takes.

[tnt-zone]

I've had this song in my head for days now.

Something about it pulls at my chest and makes me want to cry but I can't. It feels familiar in an unknown way, reminding me of things I don't remember. Someone comfortingly takes me by the hand and says "your whole world is falling apart and changing, and you're going to deal with it on your own." If I could scream out any song into the darkness right now it would be this one.

But who knows how I'll feel in 5 years.

-Scary ⛈️

[born-to-lose]

I know the working conditions were kinda shitty and my colleagues and bosses didn't appreciate me enough but damn I miss the bar already 😭

[nikothebookdragon]

vent

feel free to keep scrolling!! just need to get it out of my system

can you imagine how much more stuff you could get done in a day if you weren't constantly worrying about how to pay rent and where your next meal is going to come from. like I'm not saying rich people don't have their problems, of course they do, but just the thought of how much more mental space you'd have if you weren't constantly stressing about being able to afford necessities

[moonlit-orchid]

good evening to everyone except a certain few fucking anons

[butteryheart]

Hate hate hate that I get attached so quickly

[torchickentacos]

can jason aldean run me over with his big green tractor that he sings about because i think that would be preferable to this

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, Ive been in such a writing slump for like almost a year now and Im just. So tired. I just wanna create!! I wanna write something again! But anytime I look at one of my WIPs I just can’t get myself into any of them and I mean its very possible that's also just a side effect of being so rusty and not writing for so long and the fact easy distraction like youtube is just a click away but then again it just feels like the creative juices won’t flow and its killing me ;_; I want to Write, I want to Create and I want to share it again, and maybe its just that I miss posting my work and interacting with fandom and having that fan-obsession so there's a question there to consider what exactly Im missing but... damn I really do just wanna write again and feel how good that feels to be creative ;_;

This just sucks man...

[moodr1ng]

how many fucking times are random fucking people who dont even follow me or know me from eve or adam going to reblog personal posts of mine where im venting about my depression and killing myself and self-hating. like i shouldnt need to preemptively make those not rebloggable. you freaks should realize not everything is for or about you and thoughts expressed by a distressed mentally ill person in the midst of a deep depressive episode are not yours to plaster on your stupid blog. fuck off!!!!!!!!

[burnt-h0ney]

my intense fear of romance VS my innate desire to be seen for who i am and loved unconditionally

[frostryn]

god my life at this point is just Try Not To Have A Seizure Challenge where everyday I wake up optimistic that maybe today will end the chronic migraine (525 days straight!)/accidental injury/shitty bad news streak & then I just get slapped in the face with something worse. how the fuck am I supposed to control being stressed when I live under capitalism & I'm disabled trying to take care of myself. my seizures are stress induced & fuck I try so hard but this world is going to fucking kill me

[yourlocalmissingtexture]

Highlights from this weekend in no particular order:

Cried over a video of someone dancing [joy/enthusiasm]

Cried over a video of a bird [joy]

Unexpectedly intense terror & feelings of helplessness related to trauma that I didn’t even know I had, accompanied by crying [fear]

Excited about a post about purity culture [enthusiasm]

Saw some things that reminded me of the thing that set off the initial trauma-related panic, cried [fear]

Learned about a kind of human sexuality that I didn’t know much about before [joy/enthusiasm]

Cried over a favorite song [enthusiasm]

Cried over a favorite person [enthusiasm/joy/fear]

Thought about strongmen [joy/enthusiasm]

Cried for a long time for some reason I still don’t know [?????]

Talked about a favorite book series with a friend [enthusiasm/joy]

Smiled like a fool over a favorite person [joy/enthusiasm]

Emotions Wrapped!

Of the emotions experienced, 4 unique ones were recorded.

I cried 7 times.

I was overwhelmed by the beauty of existence 8 times.

Total emotion experience count from record: joy, 7; enthusiasm, 8; fear, 3; ?????, 1.

[izzy-b-hands]

oh god the brain is just angry today isn't it. Fucking. cool. great. wonderful. exactly what I needed rn