#god gives her heaviest feelings to her most out-of-emotional-practice boys

[yourlocalmissingtexture]

Highlights from this weekend in no particular order:

Cried over a video of someone dancing [joy/enthusiasm]

Cried over a video of a bird [joy]

Unexpectedly intense terror & feelings of helplessness related to trauma that I didn’t even know I had, accompanied by crying [fear]

Excited about a post about purity culture [enthusiasm]

Saw some things that reminded me of the thing that set off the initial trauma-related panic, cried [fear]

Learned about a kind of human sexuality that I didn’t know much about before [joy/enthusiasm]

Cried over a favorite song [enthusiasm]

Cried over a favorite person [enthusiasm/joy/fear]

Thought about strongmen [joy/enthusiasm]

Cried for a long time for some reason I still don’t know [?????]

Talked about a favorite book series with a friend [enthusiasm/joy]

Smiled like a fool over a favorite person [joy/enthusiasm]

Emotions Wrapped!

Of the emotions experienced, 4 unique ones were recorded.

I cried 7 times.

I was overwhelmed by the beauty of existence 8 times.

Total emotion experience count from record: joy, 7; enthusiasm, 8; fear, 3; ?????, 1.

[netflixmomma516]

Her Secrets 6 | 13RW Series

PART 1     PART 2     PART 3      PART 4       PART 5

"So how was the date?" Dad asks as I walk into the house. "It was okay," I said softly. Not wanting to talk about Jeff. "That's good," my dad oblivious to the fact that I want to cry. 

I walk into my room and strip down to get into my pajamas. 

For a split second, I forget about everything, even the fact that I'm pregnant. I climbed into bed and broke. I cried about everything, about moving in with a practical stranger, moving my senior year, about possibly ruining my chances with a great guy, and being confused about Jeff and Scott, and most importantly because I'm 18 and pregnant.

I fall asleep sobbing into my pillow. --

DREAM I walked into the bathroom, "YNN, how is Sam?" My friend Paige asked. I shrug, "last time I talked to him, he was okay, still in serious pain but nothing like it was when it first happened." I smile at her. 

- The sun blinding me when I open my eyes. I rub them, my face still puffy from last night. I check my phone and see I have a missed call from Scott, I listen to the voicemail. "You really must be oblivious to my feelings, because you're so wrapped up in your crush on Jeff. I tried to be a friend the past couple days, but I can't anymore YNN. I like you too. I'd like to talk tomorrow afternoon. Meet me at the park on Maplewood at 3 o'clock. If you don't show up I completely understand, but I hope to see you. Oh yeah YNN, I'm sorry." I start crying again.

Should I go?

I muster enough strength to go get some breakfast and face my dad. -- "Good morning YNN," my dad says sipping his coffee in front of his iPad. I give him a faint smile, "morning." 

I open the fridge in search of some breakfast food. "Do you want some eggs and bacon, I can whip some up quick?" My dads interrupt my search for something to feed my broken heart. "Sure." I shrug. "I'll make you some coffee too." I smile at my dad. 

The past couple of days, my dad has actually been an actual dad. "Thanks, Dad. I'm going to go shower really quick."

--

I walk into my bathroom, and strip down, looking down at my belly. It's growing. I've gained about 5 pounds since I found out. I have my first doctors appointment out here tomorrow. I'm excited to hear my baby's heartbeat or see him or her. I'm begging for a boy. I put my hand on where I think it is, and I smile. I whisper, "I'll always be here, no matter what." I get in the shower and instantly the water relaxes my tense muscles. --

I get dressed into some leggings and an oversized sweater. Put my still wet hair into a messy bun, not wanting to wait for it to dry. 

I walk back downstairs and see my dad finishing up the bacon. "Here's your coffee, sit down and I'll bring over your breakfast." I sit down at the kitchen table while I'm sipping on my hot coffee. 

Dad sits a plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, and yogurt directly in front of me. "Looks good, dad." I smile at him. "Well you know I probably was a chef in my past life." He jokes. I roll my eyes at his dad joke. "You're such a dad." I laugh at him. He smiles at me back. I stuff my mouth.

-- "So what really happened last night?" My dad caught me off guard with the question. "What do you mean?" I ask trying to play cool. "I heard you crying yourself to sleep last night." My dad admits. I feel like shrinking into myself. "Don't lie to me and say nothing because you wouldn't cry like that if nothing happened." My dad looks at me. I set my fork down on my plate. I huff, fighting back the tears again. "As you know we went to the lake.." He shakes his head. "Well, Scott and a bunch of his friends found out and decided to crash our date." My dad looks confused.

He has probably no idea who Scott is. "Who is Scott?" He asks confused. "Scott is the first person who ever spoke to me at Liberty. Well, I guess he likes me too." I admit. "Do you like him?" He asks trying to wrap his head around all the high school drama I'm telling him. "I do, but I don't know him like I now know Jeff. Jeff is a great guy. Scott is too, but I don't know." I huff.

"Neither of them knows about the baby do they?" He asks. "No, no one knows." I slouch in my chair. "YNN I would talk to Scott and Jeff, obviously not together but separately." He touches my hand. "Scott wants me to meet him at the park at 3," I tell him. "Well go, hear him out." "Why do you sound like such a mom right now." I smile at him. "Because maybe that's what you need right now." He admits.

"I know you miss your mom, but even your mom knows this is where you need to be right now." I huff knowing he's right. "It'll be okay," I admit to myself. "I know it won't always be easy, but dad we’re going to make it through this. Hopefully, you can put up with me when I get super hormonal." I smile trying to lighten the mood. "I'll try my best." He smiles at me. The same smile I have.

-- "YNN it takes about 10 minutes to get to the park, you're going to have to leave soon." My dad says not looking away from the game on. I shake my head okay. "Alright, well I'll be back in a little bit," I announce standing up. "Alright be careful." "Will do." I grab my keys and walk out into the not so chilly February air. --

I already see Scott sitting on the swing looking down at his phone. He looks so lonely. Maybe I don't really know this guy. This is a side I've never seen from him. Usually, he's all smiles and laughs, the center of attention at all times. But this time he looks different. He looks vulnerable.

I huff and decide to leave my phone in the cup holder. I cut the engine and I get out and walk towards Scott. He looks up when he hears my car door shut. He doesn't move, it's like he's glued to the swing. "Hi," I break the ice. "Is this swing taken?" I point to the one right beside him. "N-n-no." He stutters. This is different. He's always this confident guy.

What happened?

Did I do this?

Did he not think I would come?

I take the swing right next to him. "Hi, Scott," I say quietly. Trying to find the right words to say. I don't know what to say. I want to tell him exactly how I feel but the right words aren't coming out.

"YNN, I'm sorry." He starts quietly, looking at me in the eyes. I look confused. Why is he sorry? "For?" I question. "For ruining your date with Jeff," he admits. "Scott.." "No hear me out," he cuts me off with determination. I look at him taken aback. I shake my head for him to continue.

"I was just really mad when I heard you went to the lake with Jeff, well one because you told me you were busy yesterday. Also because when I first met you I've wanted to get to know you on a more personal level, but Jeff beat me to it." He huffs looking exhausted. Like he just confessed the heaviest thing on his heart.

I sighed trying to take in everything he just told me. I stay quiet for a minute. I sit there trying to find the perfect words. "Scott, I like you too. There hasn't been one day where I haven't thought about you and Jeff. Not going to lie when I saw you with Chloe it really hurt. It did something to my heart that I didn't know was possible for a guy I just met. I felt stupid thinking I had a chance with a guy like you. A guy that's got thousands of girls chasing after him." I look down at my hands in my lap.

"YN, Chloe is jealous." He admits. "Of?" I question.

Why the hell is Chloe jealous? She is the most popular girl in school and the most 'beautiful' according to Bryce and Monty.

"You. Before you moved here, I was so obsessed with her. She loved that attention. After we broke up I was trying to win her back, but then I saw you walk into the school and I immediately forgot about Chloe." I finally muster up the courage to look at him. His eyes seem genuine.

"YNN I like you too." His voice is quiet. "Scott I know, but I like Jeff too." I huff fighting back my tears. Not wanting to reveal all of my emotions to this guy.

"Scott I don't know what I want. There's a lot of things I'm going through at the moment." I say trying not to let him in too much. I made that mistake with Jeff. "But Scott your baseball career is obviously gonna go somewhere, I don't want to ruin it by my baggage." Even though my child is not baggage, my past is.

He touches my cheek making me look at him in his green eyes. "I want to know you, I want to know everything." Not everything. I huff looking away.

I want to shrink inside myself for a little bit. I don't want to face this handsome guy in front of me. "Scott," I touch his hand on my cheek, "I want to know you too, but I want to know Jeff too." His hand falls from my cheek to his lap. "I understand." He huffs in displeasure.

I feel really bad doing this to both of them. But I need to be sure to make the right decision not only for my heart but for my baby.

"Hey, I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow." Scott suddenly stands up and quickly kisses my cheek. I stay frozen in place. He walks to his white BMW. He quickly drives away.

I break down for the second time in the last 24 hours. "Why?" I scream. Thanking God no one is around. I touch my belly.

-- Me; Jess can you come over? I need you. 

I quickly type to really the only one who I think would understand my dilemma.

Jess; Of course, I'll bring the ben & Jerry's.

Me; You are the best! 

I smile at my phone, the first smile I've smiled in the last 2 hours. -- I hear my door fly open. I don't bother to flinch knowing it's Jess. "YNN you look awful." She retorts. "I feel awful." I wipe my tears. She drops the grocery bag on my bed and cuddles me. "What happened? I heard you and Scott talked at the park." Gosh, gossip is no joke in this friend group. "I told him I didn't know who to choose. I don't know Jess. There's just something about both of them that I like. Scott makes me laugh, but Jeff makes me feel safe." I really need to feel safe right now, but I really need to laugh at the same time. "What do you need more of right now?" She asks rubbing my back in calming circles. "Both," I answer honestly. 

I huff tears brimming my eyes again. "Pass me the ice cream," I demand sitting cross-legged. She hands me a plastic spoon and a pint of Ben and Jerrys chocolate chip cookie dough. I start devouring the ice cream and lose myself in Stranger Things. -- "Thanks, Jess," I say half asleep. "For what?" She whispers. "For being there for me," I whisper back. "What are best friends for?" She says with a smile in her voice. I chuckle. At least I have one person, for now.

[wiremagazine]

SPOTLIGHT FILMS: PREVIEW 15 OF THE EXCEPTIONAL SELECTIONS FOR MIAMI FILM FESTIVAL GEMS 2019

Photos provided by Miami Film Festival GEMS 2019

BY THE GRACE OF GOD (Belgium, France, 2019) Director: François Ozon In French, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: In By the Grace of God, acclaimed filmmaker François Ozon dramatizes the story of three Preynat victims – Alexandre Guérin (Melvil Poupaud), a lawyer and devoted Catholic family man, François Debord (Denis Ménochet), a declared atheist who wants to bring media attention to the case, and Emmanuel Thomassin, an emotionally damaged younger man who carries the heaviest burden and the effects of prolonged trauma.

CLEMENCY (U.S., 2019) Director: Chinonye Chukwu In English

GEMS Synopsis: Clemency is an indelible character study and a searing look at the toll of capital punishment on the lives of all it touches – including the families of victims seeking justice. Filmmaker Chinonye Chukwu, the first African-American woman to win Sundance's highest prize, is observant to the disproportionate toll death row reaps on black men, but also alive to the possibility of hope, and humanity finding its way back from even the darkest emotional places.

HONEY BOY (U.S., 2019) Director: Alma Har'el In English

GEMS Synopsis: Artists often draw from real-life experience, but few approach this practice quite like actor Shia LaBeouf. Having received court-ordered therapy writing while in rehab, LaBeouf – who over the years has been the subject of numerous public misbehavior headlines – took the mandated writing and turned it into something tremendous: the screenplay for Honey Boy.

LES MISÉRABLES (France, 2019) Director: Ladj Ly In French, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: Victor Hugo's 1862 classic novel Les Misérables unforgettably depicted the abject poverty and state violence endured by residents in the Paris suburb Montfermeil, a setting symbolically representing a greater view of French society. Taking Hugo's title for his fiction feature debut, director Ladj Ly returns to modern-day Montfermeil and finds that the tensions between the racially diversified, impoverished community and the police enforcing the status quo are remarkably similar to the world of Jean Valjean and Hugo's characters, even more than 150 years later.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR (U.S., 2019) Director: Alan Berliner In English

GEMS Synopsis: For 40 years, filmmaker Alan Berliner has clipped out from the pages of The New York Times photos that caught his eye, keeping them meticulously filed and cross-indexed as a self-appointed archivist and librarian. Driven by his obsession, Berliner has completed the work of nearly a lifetime, transforming and reinterpreting his collection of images into a statement about the nature of humankind. Letter to the Editor is a film essay with multiple themes and a stunning array of thousands of photographs from Alan Berliner's collection. This film delivers poignant reflections on the power of photography, the importance of print publications, and what it means when technology brings a dramatic change to century-old traditions.

LITUS (Spain, 2019) Director: Dani de la Orden In Spanish, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: A big chill has descended upon a group of Barcelona thirtysomething friends. Six months before, their cherished friend Litus inexplicably took his own life. His loving friends gather to celebrate his memory, but a bombshell secret awaits them: Litus left behind a goodbye letter for each of them. A moving drama with impeccably timed moments of humor, Litus is an invitation to reflect on life, relationships and our connections to those we hold most dear in life.

MOTHERLESS BROOKLYN (U.S., 2019) Director: Edward Norton In English

GEMS Synopsis: Twenty years in the making, Edward Norton's passion project Motherless Brooklyn finds the famed actor working quadruple duty as writer, director, producer and star of this inventive adaptation of Jonathan Lethem's novel of the same name. Growing up an orphan with Tourette syndrome, Lionel (Norton) spent his early years trying to find his place in the world. Then private detective Frank Minna (Bruce Willis) took him under his wing. Now a full-fledged employee of Frank's agency, Lionel finds his world turned upside down when Frank is murdered. Determined to solve the mystery of who killed his mentor, Lionel sets off on a quest that takes him from Brooklyn to Harlem, where he discovers a trail of shocking political corruption in the process.

PAIN AND GLORY (Spain, 2019) Director: Pedro Almodóvar In Spanish, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: Pain and Glory is legendary Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar's most personal, semi-autobiographical film to date. The film centers on Salvador Mallo (played by Antonio Banderas, who won Best Actor at Cannes Film Festival for this role), a Spanish film director in his 60s. Salvador receives an invitation by the Madrid Cinematheque for a retrospective screening of Sabor, a film that he made more than 30 years ago. The invitation triggers a comical, edgy reunion with Alberto Crespo (Asier Etxeandia), the actor who starred in Sabor, and then later a reunion with Federico Delgado (Leonardo Sbaraglia), the Argentinian man who was Salvador's first adult love just as many years ago. Floating in and out of Salvador's memories is his unresolved relationship with his deceased mother (played in her younger years by Penélope Cruz, and later years by Julieta Serrano).

PARASITE (South Korea, 2019) Director: Bong Joon-ho In Korean, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: At once hilariously funny and nail-bitingly tense, Bong Joon-ho's class satire Parasite is quite possibly the most unique and unforgettable film of the year, and has had international critics swooning since it won the Palme D'Or at this year's Cannes Film Festival. Defying convention and predictability at every step, the film centers on two families whose paths become inexorably linked and the wild events that result: the affluent Park family and the street smart but poor Kim family. The Kim's children, led by college-aged Ki-woo, manage to forge their way into the Park family's lives as tutors and art therapists. In exchange for their services, the Kim family finally has a path out of poverty, but this fragile balance built on lies will quickly unravel.

PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE (France, 2019) Director: Céline Sciamma In French, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: Following the unexpected death of her sister, Héloïse (Adèle Haenel) is brought back from a convent and betrothed to an unknown man from Milan. Héloïse's mother, La Comtesse (Valeria Golina), is set on having Héloïse's portrait painted, but she refuses to pose, in rebellion against the arranged marriage into which she is being forced. So La Comtesse slyly hires Marianne, a rare female professional artist in the period, to secretly paint Héloïse's portrait, all the while posing as her ostensible companion. Through walks, profound conversations, and long-held, tantalizing looks, the relationship between Héloïse and Marianne evolves with delicacy and intimacy.

STAFF ONLY (France, Spain, 2019) Director: Neus Ballus In Catalan, French, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: In a time where new generations are often aggressively pursuing some stark definitions of political correctness, Staff Only hits a zeitgeist nerve with a young protagonist who is as intelligent as she is inexperienced. Catalan director Neus Ballús turns an honest and critical eye to a rich cast of characters, all of them compassionate, flawed human beings trying to live their best lives – yet often at unforeseen costs. Embracing the rich Senegalese landscape, Staff Only is as charming as it is poignant, while asking fundamental questions about how we grow individually, and in relation to others.

TAXI TO TREASURE ROCK (Spain, 2019) Director: Alejo Flah In Spanish, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: Freshly released from a Madrid prison, Argentinian con artist and professional charmer Diego has one idea to rebuild his life: finding a lost stash of gold hidden inside the legendary Rock of Gibraltar. Diego puts his snake charmer ways to convince León (Dani Rovira of the Ocho appellidos vascos films), a misanthropic, miserly taxi driver flooded with debt and rage against the system, to drive him from Madrid to Gibraltar. On their chaotic road trip they meet Sandra (Ingrid García-Jonsson), a runaway bride-to-be who is just enough of a misfit to connect with Diego and León, and join their eccentric, life-changing adventure.

THE TRUTH (France, Japan, 2019) Director: Hirokazu Kore-eda In French, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: To iconic actress Fabienne (Deneuve), nothing is more important than giving the perfect performance. Her commitment to her work has long put a strain on her personal life, and when her new memoir comes out, those closest to her find it harder and harder to stay by her side. When her longtime assistant suddenly quits, her estranged daughter Lumir (Binoche) – who's in town visiting along with her actor husband, Hank (Ethan Hawke) – steps into the role of assisting Fabienne while on the set of her new sci-fi film Memories of My Mother. With a mother and daughter so unable to communicate their complicated feelings to one another, Fabienne's new film (based on the Ken Liu short story of the same name) is a resonant, meta example of life imitating art.

THE TWO POPES (Argentina, Italy, UK, U.S., 2019) Director: Fernando Meirelles In English, French, Italian, Spanish, with English subtitles

GEMS Synopsis: When Pope Benedict XVI (Hopkins) breaks with tradition and decides to retire from the papacy, he invites his soon-to-be successor Cardinal Bergoglio (Pryce) – who will become the future Pope Francis – for a meeting. At first, it seems like an ideal opportunity for the two men to exchange pleasantries and put their differences aside. As one of Pope Benedict's harshest critics, Cardinal Bergoglio is a progressive, forward-thinking leader, one who feels strongly that the Church should listen to its followers instead of blindly adhering to the ways of old. It's an outlook that leads to a fierce debate between the two men – a debate on sticking to tradition vs. growing with the times, and about what it means to pave a religious path for more than a billion followers around the world.

TOP END WEDDING (Australia, 2019) Director: Wayne Blair In English

GEMS Synopsis: Lauren's demanding boss has given her just ten days of leave to get married to her doting fiancé, Ned, before she makes partner. But when Lauren's mother disappears in the midst of a major midlife crisis, leaving her father in shambles, all wedding plans are off until they can find her. Lauren and Ned set off on a breathtaking road trip through northern Australia (the "top end" of the country) in which multiple generations of the family must come to terms with the past in order for Lauren and Ned to be able to forge their future together.

This was originally published in Wire Magazine Issue 19.2019