#((The Stellas playlist still goes so fucking hard))

[walkingshcdow]

For @onlyheartaches | Response to this

There were certain dreams Stolas locked away and did not take out often to examine. There was a world in which he and his Stella needed not to have a “precautionary heir”, but instead had the family they had both desired. In their youth, they tried to become parents so many times and had very nearly given up. Stolas never told Stella he named each of the eggs she laid - the eggs with too-thin shells, the eggs they knew would not survive - after various constellations. Cassiopeia. Orion. Rigel. Andromeda. Octavia was not a constellation. She was her own, beautiful person, brighter than any star. Immortal as he and Stella were, they had Octavia much later than anyone anticipated, certainly later than he and Stella expected. They hadn’t expected her at all, not after the hospital stays and all the heartache that came with burying unhatched fledglings. 

Still, Stolas sometimes dreamed of parenthood for a second time, especially as he and Stella repaired their broken marriage. What would a chick born into a happy family experience? What joy! Would Via be jealous of such a child or would she delight in having a sibling? What stopped him from proposing such a thing was his memories of Stella in the days, weeks, months, years after Via was born. Her despondency had shocked him. They had finally successfully had a child and yet… He had taken to parenting the way most birds took to flight. Stella… Stella struggled. Motherhood nearly broke her as much as every failed incubation. He could not put her through that again. He could not risk losing her... not after having won her heart once more.

Now and then, though, he dreamed about the joys of fatherhood. He recalled precious moments with Octavia and treasured each memory dearly. He longed to make more one day. It was a longing he was willing to lock away, so long as he kept the key of it and could pine for at his leisure. He did not expect a stranger to unlock his feelings by asking Stella such a question. He did not want her to ache from it. He did not want to ache from it either. Still, his heavy heart led him to stargaze, hoping to find answers written in the sky. The stars burned distantly. He could still name them all. Cassiopeia. Orion. Rigel. Andromeda. In another life, they had them all, a flock of chicks to dote on and raise. Instead, his love - nearly all of it - poured into Octavia and Octavia alone. Now, he saw the fallacy there. Stella, his wife, his partner, his heart, deserved more and better. He had love enough for his whole family. He had more love than he knew what to do with. These days, it flowed out of him without restraint. He did not seek to fill the cups of other lovers nor did he seek to create fictions in which he tried again and did better because the reality was that any second child would come at the expense of the woman he loved so dearly and had nearly lost countless times. He would not lose her again.

Another child would complicate things, yes, of course. Stolas would not lose Stella to anything or anyone. But… Surely, if they were lucky enough for all to go well… Surely, they would welcome any child that came into their trust. Wouldn’t they? They were good parents… weren’t they? Loving ones, to be sure. They were a team, stronger than ever… weren’t they? They could handle complicated. The stars held no answers for him this night and he gripped the railing tight. Another night, he would consult them. Tonight, he would lock the guilt, the grief, the hope, the fear, the longing all away and hold his wife close. He would thank the stars for giving him the sacred trust of her love and he would hope that his love could ease Stella’s aching heart. 

In another life, they had a brood of chicks. In this one, they had Octavia and that thought alone soothed Stolas’ ache. She was worth a sky full of stars, she was everything they could have wished for and more. That was the correct answer to the stranger’s question. Another child would, of course, be complicated, but the child they had already was worth everything. Why foolishly think they could improve upon perfection? They had done such a good job with their daughter: she was healthy, happy, and incredibly loved. She had a delightfully refreshing view of the world, taught Stolas new things every day, made their world a better place and was worth all the complications children brought with them. She was worth the sleepless nights and everything else parenthood had placed on Stolas’ shoulders. She, too, was a sacred trust. Stolas could not let her down again. He could not get her to hope for anything, least of all a sibling, when he knew their little family was what it was and the only way to improve it was to love it as it was. 

Still, on a shooting star, he made a wish before reentering the palace. 

If we ever have another child, let it be easy and joyous for Stella - for us all. 

A foolish wish. As Stella said, a child would complicate things. They always did. But there was nothing Stolas wished for more than his family’s happiness. 

[starsbythepocketful12]

headcanons cause i’m in flarrie hours

they are THE couple when it comes to halloween costumes

all their outfits for big events (parties, gigs where dirty candy and/or jatp perform) are coordinated

carrie my femme queen & flynn my nonbinary lesbian darling

go to protests & marches together

flynn lends carrie books by her favorite Black female authors & carrie lends her books by her favorite sapphic poets

they make playlists about each other but the other doesn’t know they do it (julie & kayla are the only ones permitted to know of the existence of these playlists & have been sworn to secrecy, though julie has a strong suspicion carrie also makes playlists about flynn and vice versa)

have a joint pinterest account for their wedding moodboard

carrie adopted a tiger cub and named it flynn for their three month anniversary

they go to the mall together every other weekend and shop, which they both love to do and when they get home they always model the new outfits they bought

flynn squeals every time they see a dog in public and always runs over and asks if they can pet it and carrie always watches her with such a fond look that the owner almost always makes a comment on what a lovely couple they are or asks how long they’ve been together (something that has actually been happening since even before they were dating, and back then you can imagine the flustered ness it caused)

flynn often comes to watch dirty candy rehearsals, cheer them on, make sure they’re staying hydrated/taking snack breaks and that carrie’s not overworking herself

carrie is the first person that flynn tells she wants to DJ professionally and carrie gets her her first gig

eventually flynn gets into producing as well and ends up making a track for carrie, who writes lyrics to it and it becomes dirty candy’s most successful song to date

carrie says i love you first one saturday afternoon while they’re watching a movie on flynn’s computer in her room. flynn laughs at a joke and carrie looks over at her, her beautiful, incredible girlfriend, and simply can’t resist the urge to say it

flynn’s shocked into silence so carrie panics and leaves and doesn’t answer flynn’s messages

that night flynn shows up at the wilson mansion and throws rocks at carrie’s window until she comes out

flynn is upset with carrie for running out and ghosting her and carrie’s trying to defend herself so they argue but then flynn interrupts carrie by kissing her and breathlessly saying, “i love you.” carrie kisses her and not another word on it is said

carrie steals flynn’s hats

they’re not really PDA-y, they just happen to engage in a lot of unconscious, casual affection, like flynn often absentmindedly intertwines their pinkies and carrie doesn’t realize her arm is around flynn’s shoulders until she’s doing it

even after months of dating will still flirt like they’re in their enemies who are secretly very attracted to e/o era

flynn really loves art, particularly murals, so she drags carrie to a lot of gallery openings and museums

at one point when flynn’s going through a hard time carrie enlists all their friends for help making a giant mural full of drawings of things that make her happy

flynn happy cries when she sees it and is pretty much always seen hugging carrie for the rest of that night

only really cuddle when one (or both) of them is sleepy, though flynn does often sit on carrie’s lap

before starting to date, carrie would tease flynn for having stuffed animals during their sleepovers at flynn’s until they started dating and flynn started spending more time at carrie’s and flynn discovers that her girlfriend’s a little hypocrite

flynn has a younger sister and brother (sister is six, brother is four) and they absolutely ADORE carrie and think she’s the coolest and carrie thinks they’re the cutest

flynn’s like no they’re little demons and carrie’s says who says demons can’t be cute? you once called me a demon right, and im cute, aren’t i? and flynn rolls her eyes and fights back a smile

flynn also has a college aged older sister who she looks up to a lot, like that’s her hero and absolute role model, so naturally carrie’s terrified to meet her, and though she tries to appear intimidating at first, she can’t keep up the act for long and starts being friendly with carrie pretty much right away

one day they’re supposed to go on a date but carrie’s sick and forgot to text flynn telling her not to come so flynn shows up at her house but stays anyway to look after her

flynn reads to her and makes her soup

trevor & flynn play video games while carrie naps

flynn makes jewelry in her free time and consults carrie for her thoughts on every piece (in junior year she starts selling them at school & turns out to be quite the entrepreneur)

they have an inside joke about cosmo and wanda

a couple of the dirty candy members sometimes jokingly flirt with flynn and are like “watch out! we’re gonna steal your girl!” and carrie gets possessive and apologizes for it pretty quickly but flynn thinks it’s hot so it works out pretty well

will watch bad rom coms to make fun of straight people and throw popcorn at the screen when they get together

pet/nick names: care, baby, babe, love, (from carrie to flynn who shuts down upon hearing it) honey, (flynn to carrie, who becomes very giddy the first time flynn says it in a text message) sweetheart

if you couldn’t tell before they ofc have an enemies to friends to lovers arc

move in together after graduating, neither planning on going to college (julie goes to berkeley and nick some other place in california where they have lacrosse cause that’s the sport he plays right) and their parents think it’ll be a disaster but it actually goes really well

the first couple of weeks they fight more, all petty arguments mostly out of the stress of moving, but they always talk it out

it doesn’t take long for them to be happy they’re living together and feel really glad they took that step

two years after graduating flynn gives her a promise ring

carrie cries her eyes out and replies “of fucking course, you dumb fuck” when flynn asks if she’ll take it

ten years later carrie’s a successful pop star/choreographer & flynn’s a record breaking producer/DJ and they’re about to buy a house when they realize they never got married

it’s just a moment where they’re relaxing together on the couch and suddenly are like. oh

and proceed to burst out laughing

it’s a small ceremony, thrown together in just three weeks

carrie wears a short, light pink dress with a heart cutout in the back that would probably be more suited for a high school sophomore’s spring fling but no one cares

flynn wears a suit, and is walked down the aisle by her older sister

they both tear up upon seeing each other and sob through the vows (the traditional pre written ones, they wrote vows for each other but they recite them to the other when they’re alone, so it’s something special only they can share)

julie & kayla are the maids of honor, nick and alex are the best men

julie & luke’s five year old hernando is the ring bearer & alex and willie’s three year old umi is the flower child

trevor, flynn’s older sister and parents cry

even flynn’s now teenage younger siblings, who as of late have often been stereotypically cynical and moody shed tears

jatp perform at the reception (they have also become a hit band at this point)

when they get back from the honeymoon the first thing they do is get a dog

they adopt a golden doodle rescue named stella

a couple years later they start talking about kids and look into getting a sperm donor

because they love being competitive they do little games to decide who will be the one to carry the baby

it’s all jokes though, they decided at the start of the process that it would be flynn for the first kid and carrie for the second

but then SURPRISE flynn has twins

a boy and a girl named tyler and ollie (who’s who i won’t tell you cause fuck gender)

they don’t even talk about carrie getting pregnant now cause they’re busy with the babies and trying to manage their careers but one night, when the kids are eight, and flynn has just flopped onto the couch with a dramatic sigh after putting them to bed, carrie puts down her kindle and quietly says that she wants another kid.

they talk for hours because while flynn wants another kid too, when you’re both celebrities with demanding jobs and people constantly trying to peer into your life, that decision involves even more factors

they decide to have another kid and carrie chooses to take a step back from her career for now-she’ll return to it eventually but for now she wants to be able to just be a parent without worrying about work and not have to deal with the guilt that comes with working when she feels like she should be being a parent

though the kids have always been their main priority and they have done quite well dividing their time between work and being with them, and have done decently shielding them from the public eye (majority of the pictures of ollie & tyler that the public has are blurry candids, and the few high quality ones are from when they were three and they no longer look like that anyway so it’s all good)

it’s a harder process for carrie to get pregnant as she’s almost 40 and flynn was 31 when she had tyler and ollie

but it happens though they’re careful about choosing the sperm donor-even briefly consider asking reggie or nick-because with this kind of thing there’s always the risk that other parent could track down where their kid ended up and want to be a part of that kid’s life later on which is uber complicated for many reasons so they get those scary possibilities out of the way by just finding someone who they know wants to be in the child’s life

preston choi, a thai & korean american mathematics professor ends up being their guy

he’s immensely genuine, sweet, respectful, polite, and gentlemanly

when he came out at fifteen his parents kicked him out of the house

it was a long and difficult journey but they’re in a decent place now

but it’s not the family he wants to have and he’s tried but has yet to find a partner

but doesn’t want to wait to have kids so here he is, more than happy to co parent with flynn and carrie

so that’s what they do! tyler and ollie become big siblings to miles wilson-choi on december 10th, 2044

miles grows up in the most multicultural home ever, being fluent in 4 languages (English, AAVE, Spanish thanks to their tia julie, Korean, and Thai) all their life

tyler & ollie welcome preston and miles into the family with open arms, as well as the addition of korean and thai cuisine to the already amazing dinner tables they had of soul and caribbean food

when miles is seven carrie goes back to work full time, with preston’s assurance that he’s got this when her and flynn are busy and tyler and ollie (who are now fifteen) promising they’ll help out as well

at that point the long awaited julie and the phantoms/carrie and flynn wilson collaboration FINALLY happens

flynn wins her 28th grammy for it, leaving her tied with beyoncé for most grammys won by any woman ever (its julie’s 14th, luke’s 6th, and carrie’s 12th, and the band’s collective 10th cause alex never did any solo projects and reggie released one country album but it didn’t win any grammys rip though it was nominated for 2 CMAs)

[blissfulalchemist]

multiples of 5 + get a room xx

Hello Stella this was a lot but! here we are!

5. What do they like the most about each other?

Both can very much appreciate their shamelessness for public flirting and PDA. We won’t also state the other obvious thing both like about the other. On a sappy level though Hayat most likes Mason’s ability to find the darkest corner of any room no matter how bright it is. Truly that is a fucking skill and just HOW!? can you make that happen sir???? What Mason likes the most about Hayat is the way he’s ready with something to lighten most deadly situations that can make you want to smile or laugh if it was any other setting other than impending doom. Seriously sir, you are literally bleeding out and you’re trying to make a joke about getting laid right here and now???

10. How do they resolve their arguments?

Both are terrible in that they will kind of just ignore it or just put it to the side and then never come back to it until they have too, which means it built up a bit more than just something that could have been a smaller argument. Typically though most resolutions happen at night and on roofs or balconies and the like. Life’s a lot calmer during that time of day and its also easier on Mason’s senses which in the heat of the moment are harder to control and that extra stimulation isn’t helpful in quelling any kind of anger or feelings of upset. This is usually when Hayat will take the initiative to leave if Mason hasn’t done it by that point. In the end one of them will come to the other and get it resolved not too long after. Both are man enough to admit when they were in the wrong.

Rarely (surprisingly) there is little make up sex. Most of the bigger arguments are in relation to things that are emotionally deep and intimate, which both have to relearn or find out and you can’t just do that with sex. 

15. Who pays for the food the most, when they go out?

Hayat. Not that Mason doesn’t have the means or is opposed to it, Hayat just beats him to the punch and is paying before it can even process in Mason’s head that he should pay for food every now and then (even id he himself doesn’t eat very much).

20. Do they give each other nicknames?

Mason calls Hayat by two different nicknames. The first one being the nickname Hiya as this is something approved by Hayat himself, though he still rolls his eyes over Hiya picking that kind of nickname as its some version of a pun technically. Mason also calls him “Handsome” which made Hayat a bit uncomfortable for a while there. This was even said before they even slept together and god Hayat thought he was going to die or hit him eventually as well....Bobby also called him “Handsome”. Given a little time it started to change and Hayat warmed up to the name and by Book 3 happens that old association really leaves him when hearing Mason say it. 

Hayat will shorten Mason’s name to Mase now and then, but this is also a sort of pun name as he can threaten people with the phrase “I’m gonna Mase you” which basically means “I’m gonna send my anger inclined boyfriend at you”. This threat is very rare and only is said when the timing is right. (Yes my son needs help). Hayat also refers to Mason as “Eshgham” which translates to “My Love” or “Delbar-am” that translates to “One who stole my heart” when they’re being a little sappy and also “Kharâbetam” which translates to “I’m ruined for you” typically when its more private behind closed doors as it’s a bit more intense than the other two.

25. How do they comfort each other when one of them is scared?

Hayat’s a bit better at it than Mason in comforting but there’s a check in between the two of them. Sometimes its silent and both can tell where the other stands in their fear. Other times it is asked aloud and also paired with a touch of some kind. Even when these two are asking it jokingly there is always a hint of looking out for the other and just making sure that there’s truth to what is said. Honestly just being near one another is enough to comfort when they’re scared. 

30. Do they attend any clubs or formal parties together?

Neither are really suited to formal parties to be honest. They will if they must or if its something that is involved with family and such, but neither are really the formal type. 

35. How do they spend time if the other is gone?

Both have a life outside of the other and so many times they will partake in that side. Hiya has a good amount of friends that he likes to spend time with and Mason also has Unit Bravo along with work so he can focus on that.

40. Thoughts on kids?

Hayat likes kids and never plans on ever having them unless it feels right or just happens. Mason’s personality doesn’t lend itself to being kid friendly but is mostly indifferent.

45. How are birthdays spent?

Hey Mason! You’ve never had a birthday party! Well guess what! You’re getting a birthday party! It won’t be very big or elaborate but it’ll be a small celebration with cake, balloons, games, music, and the party hats. All planned by Hiya and encouraged by Felix.

Hayat typically ends up having a small party as Tina likes to have fun and then his family like to celebrate so they have a mini party. However! Hayat was born on Leap Year and you can bet that there is an even bigger party that is themed with the appropriate age so at his 2020 celebration he will be 7! such a big year :’).

Once all the day party stuff is over though there’s a good amount of private celebrating happening. The gift that is consistent between them involves a weekend away.

50. Who makes the best flower crown?

Hayat. He doesn’t make them often and really ends up needing help but when he gets something he’ll give them to members of the team. Mason isn’t a fan to say the least but for Hiya he’ll reduce the scowl.

55. Are they a super sappy couple?

Sappy as in kissy faces and nicknames and just like adorable-ness? No…..well the kissy faces sure but if it goes on long enough you may want to avert your gaze. Look they are very forward with each other and they don’t show any signs of being uncomfortable with it. In private you get the more sappy moments but even then there’s this casualness with them that leads to it seeming only as a physical relationship. Really it’s more Hayat that can be the sappy one.

60. Who will punch someone out if they are rude to their partner?

Mason primarily (Sir I cannot wait for you to meet the Ex). Hayat doesn’t like to let himself turn to violence so it would take a lot of anger to do so.

65. Who loves kids more?

This would go to Hayat more. He acts somewhat like a kid himself and he can keep them fairly entertained and help them feel reassured if they’re scared. Hayat comes from a fairly big family and there were always kids around so he enjoys their company.

70. Who is the hopeless romantic?

I have to give this one to Hayat as he can be a bit more of an outward hopeless romantic. I do believe that Mason is the secretive hopeless romantic that isn’t fully aware that he is.

75. Who are their favourite musical artist(s)?

Mason doesn’t listen to much music as its hard to find things that are easy to handle with the heightened senses.

Hayat likes more of the pop punk music. Bands like Fall Out Boy, All Time Low, Reliant K, AWOLNATION, Walk the Moon, The Killers, etc. To compensate for the harshness of some of the songs Hayat has made a specific playlist of acoustic covers and softer songs to play when Mason is near and not really up for enduring his normal playlists. 

80. What do they love about each other the most?

Hayat loves the genuineness of Mason. Like admittedly there’s some secrets and like holding back but that more stems from needing trust in order to talk about that kind of stuff. With Mason its really a “What you see is what you get” kind of person and more importantly with this is that Mason’s actions match with what he’s saying. That is just so important for Hiya now as it gives him the most comfort in pursuing something with him.

For Mason its this ability for Hayat to be invading but also keep his distance. Hayat will press and stick close to Mason with emotional stuff but he’s not pushy about it and will let Mason take the time needed to figure stuff out. Hayat doesn’t also just brush Mason off with his needs or attitude. Mason wants to be close to someone but wants a sort of setting where you’re alone together (like you and your partner are in the same room but doing different things with the occasional shout out) and Hayat lets that happen.

85. Who accidental sets something on fire?

I’d say both as one day that lighter’s gonna get Mason in trouble but it would be more Hayat. Sometimes he likes to just fiddle around with tech stuff and the wrong wires get crossed and soon there’s a mini fire happening. What can you do?

90. Who is the one that would bring the puppy home?

Both, but Mason would pick the kitten/cat up and bring them home to Hayat more than a puppy. Just seems a bit more like a cat person. 

[hongugu]

Best Kpop Songs of 2020

My rules for this were very loose like these are supposed to be title tracks but I’m pretty sure there are like, digital singles on this list, or just songs that had a music video...? Some of them don’t even have a video but they were promoted still IIIiiI don’t fucking know whatever. I also wasn’t sure if I should count songs like Dynamite, Ice Cream, or 100 Ways? Because they’re in all English but they’re from kpop artists??? But then I did anyway so whatever it’s not that deep.

>> Listen to it on Spotify << 

(the spotify list is backwards) (or i guess this list is backwards) (so like this one ends with the best song) (the spotify playlist starts with the best song) (because logic)

250 Kang Daniel: 2U 249 Sechskies: All For You 248 VAV: Made For Two 247 Demian: Karma 246 E’Last: Tears of Chaos 245 woo!ah!: Bad Girl 244 Momoland: Starry Night 243 EXO-SC: 1 Billion Views 242 Baekhyun: Candy 241 VOISPER: Keep GOing 240 PinkFantasy: Shadow Play 239 D1CE: Draw You 238 BoA: Better 237 Zico: Summer Hate 236 Miso: Blessed 235 MCND: Top Gang 234 TST: Count Down 233 IZ: The Day 232 Onewe: Q 231 DIA: Hug U 230 UNVS: Sand Castle 229 NCT U: Work It 228 Taeyeon: Happy 227 WJSN: Butterfly 226 Saturday: DBDBDIB 225 Dongkiz: Lupin 224 3YE: Yessir 223 Kang Daniel: Who U Are 222 DKB: Still 221 Dawn: Dawndididawn 220 Natty: Teddy Bear 219 Moonbin & Sanha: Bad Idea 218 Weeekly: Zig Zag 217 Rocket Punch: Juicy 216 Super Junior: 2YA2YAO! 215 Blackswan: Tonight 214 Cravity: Break All the Rules 213 Hyolyn: Say My Name 212 Bling Bling: G.G.B 211 SF9: Good Guy 210 DKB: Sorry Mama 209 DKB: Work Hard 208 BerryGood: Accio 207 Kai: Mmmh 206 Wonho: Open Mind 205 Mamamoo: Wanna Be Myself 204 Huh Chanmi: Lights 203 Ryu Sujeong: Tiger Eyes 202 WJSN Chocome: Hmph! 201 Botopass: Flamingo

200 Lunarsolar: Oh Ya Ya Ya 199 Jamie: Apollo 11 198 Nature: Bing Bing 197 DreamNote: Wish 196 Elris: Jackpot 195 Cherry Bullet: Aloha Oe 194 P1Harmony: Siren 193 Momoland: Ready or Not 192 NCT U: 90′s Love 191 Golden Child: Pump It Up 190 Zico: Any Song 189 Victon: Mayday 188 Jeong Sewoon: Say Yes 187 Cravity: Flame 186 MCND: nanana 185 Lee Daehwi: Rose, Scent, Kiss 184 Taeyeon: #GirlsSpkOut 183 Refund Sisters: Don’t Touch Me 182 CNBlue: Then, Now and Forever 181 Super Junior: The Melody 180 1TEAM: Ullaeli Kkollaeli 179 K/DA: More 178 TOO: Count 1, 2 177 Gfriend: Mago 176 AleXa: Villain

175 fromis_9: Feel Good (Secret Code) 174 Drippin: Nostalgia 173 1THE9: Bad Guy 172 KNK: Ride 171 Rocket Punch: Bouncy 170 ANS: Say My Name 169 Nature: Girls 168 MCND: Spring 167 Momoland: Thumbs Up 166 Dongkiz: All I Need Is You 165 Hyolyn: 9Lives 164 TOO: Magnolia 163 J.Y.Park & Sunmi: When We Disco 162 Xum: Ddalala 161 Youngha: Dark Cloud 160 Ong Seongwu: Gravity  159 Verivery: Thunder 158 Oneus: Bbusyeo 157 HA:TFELT: La Luna 156 Ong Seongwu: We Belong 155 Gfriend: Crossroads 154 Park Jihoon: Wing 153 WEi: Twilight 152 YooA: Bon Voyage 151 SuperM: Tiger Inside

150 April: Now or Never 149 Ha Sungwoon: Forbidden Island 148 Lovelyz: Obliviate 147 Secret Number: Who Dis? 146 ENOi: Cheeky 145 AleXa: Do or Die 144 HYO: Dessert 143 Victon: Howling 142 æspa: Black Mamba 141 Soyou: Gotta Go 140 MCND: Ice Age 139 Kim Kyunghoon, Kim Heechul, BIBI: Hanryang 138 Moonbyul: Eclipse 137 Secret Number: Got That Boom 136 WayV: Bad Alive (the Korean one thank u) 135 GOT7: Not By the Moon 134 NCT127: Punch 133 XRO: Welcome to My Jungle 132 Donkiz: Beautiful 131 Kim Wooseok: Red Moon 130 Han Seungwoo: Sacrifice 129 Blackpink: Ice Cream 128 Gfriend: Apple 127 UP10TION: Light 126 Blackpink: Lovesick Girls 125 GOT7: Breath 124 Verivery: G.B.T.B. 123 CL: +HWA+ 122 Irene & Seulgi: Monster 121 K/DA: The Baddest 120 Cherry Bullet: Hands Up 119 Lucy: Jogging 118 Twice: More & More 117 AleXa: Revolution 116 LeeHi: Holo 115 Day6 (Even of Day): Where the Sea Sleeps 114 B1A4: Like a Movie 113 Park Jihoon: Gotcha 112 Ghost9: W.ALL 111 Enhypen: Given-Taken 110 BAE173: Crush On U 109 SuperM: One (Monster & Infinity) 108 Max Changmin: Chocolate 107 Pentagon: Dr. Bebe 106 NCT Dream: Ridin’ 105 Verivery: Lay Back 104 Mino: Run Away 103 Ghost9: Think of Dawn 102 SuperM: 100 101 Weeekly: Tag Me (@Me)

100 Natty: Nineteen 099 Somi: What You Waiting For 098 Jessi: Nunu Nana 097 CLC: Helicopter 096 TxT: Blue Hour 095 (G)I-DLE: Dumdi Dumdi 094 Oh My Girl: Nonstop 093 Solar: Spit It Out 092 Monsta X: Love Killa 091 HA:TFELT: Life Sucks 090 AKMU: Happening 089 Lee Suhyun: Alien 088 Kard: Red Moon 087 Treasure: Mmm 086 Golden Child: Without You 085 AB6IX: The Answer 084 Hwasa: Maria 083 Sunmi: pporappippam 081 Jamie: Numbers 080 Yook Sungjae: Come With the Wind 079 Jackson Wang: 100 Ways 078 The Boyz: The Stealer 077 Dreamcatcher: Boca 076 The Boyz: Reveal

075 Treasure: Boy 074 (G)I-DLE: Oh My God 073 BTS: Dynamite 072 Woodz: Bump Bump 071 Itzy: Not Shy 070 Twice: I Can’t Stop Me 069 Chungha: Stay Tonight 068 Astro: Knock 067 Onewe: End of Spring 066 Iz*One: Panorama 065 NCT U: Make A Wish (Birthday Song) 064 Everglow: Dun Dun 063 Kard: Gunshot 062 AB6IX: Salute 061 GWSN: Bazooka! 060 Winner: Hold 059 Nu’est: I’m In Trouble 058 NCT 127: Kick It 057 Zico: Refresh 056 SF9: Summer Breeze 055 E’Last: Swear 054 Kim Namjoo: Bird 053 CIX: Jungle 052 IU: eight 051 Mamamoo: Dingga

050 Stella Jang: Villain 049 Heize: Midnight 048 Monsta X: Fantasia 047 BTS: ON (feat. Sia)--I’m just kidding lmao but could u imagine 046 Itzy: Wannabe 045 cignature: Nun Nu Nan Na 044 Taemin: Criminal 043 Agust D: Daechwita 042 Blackpink: How You Like That 041 Dreamcatcher: Scream 040 Woodz: Love Me Harder 039 ONF: Sukhumvit Swimming 038 Oneus: To Be Or Not To Be 037 Loona: So What 036 April: LaLaLiLaLa 035 Everglow: La Di Da 034 Pentagon: Daisy 033 Stray Kids: Back Door 032 Treasure: I Love You 031 cignature: Assa 030 Eric Nam: Paradise 029 Mamamoo: Aya 028 Weki Meki: Cool 027 cignature: Arisong 026 BTS: Life Goes On

025 Eric Nam: How You Been 024 Oneus: A Song Written Easily 023 A.C.E: Goblin (Favorite Boys) 022 Loona: Why Not? 021 Golden Child: One (Lucid Dream) 020 StayC: So Bad 019 Taemin: Idea (理想) 018 Iz*One: Fiesta 017 Weki Meki: Oopsy 016 Bvndit: Jungle 015 Ateez: Inception 014 Seventeen: Left & Run 013 Apink: Dumhdurum 012 Weki Meki: Dazzle Dazzle 011 Loona: Voice

010 Iz*One: Secret Story of the Swan 009 Ateez: Thanxx 008 TxT: Can’t You See Me? 007 Seventeen: Home;Run 006 Chungha: Play 005 N.Flying: Oh really. 004 Ateez: Answer 003 Day6: Zombie 002 BTS: Black Swan 001 Stray Kids: God’s Menu

Remember when I used to link all of these to their youtube videos? Hahhha yeah, that’s not happening this year :”D

[jawnjendes]

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs,"  Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

[everyonewillsee]

1, 12-24, 23 for the end of year meme

I1. favorite fic you wrote this year

This is incredibly challenging, how do I pick just one??? But I think it’s gotta be a blanket of stars. When I started writing a jonjon plane crash au for Yuletide last year I didn’t expect it to get the amazing reception it did or stick in my mind as much and for as long as it did. I love these two broken beautiful boys in love and I’m really proud of their world.  Lovett’s piece of the story is something I wanted to write all year and finally pulled out under the wire. It pulled me out of some serious writers block and made me cry multiple times while writing it. (And it let me flesh out some fictional children, my favorite pasttime).

12. favorite character to write about this year

I think it’s Tommy. I wrote some really fun explorations of him this year that I’m really happy with.  Part of the summary for Meet the Teacher Night is “or, Tommy builds himself a home,” because at the end of writing it, that’s what stuck out. It was originally meant to be a lighter, rom-com-y romp, then Tommy had a panic attack in the hallway at parent/teacher conferences and all of a sudden there was a much realer undercurrent to it. This Tommy is trying so hard to be a good dad and a good friend and a good person, and he stumbles along the way but ends up so much better off than he is at the beginning. And they have such a very happy future to come. 

And then there’s my beloved privileged, sheltered idiot in use your heart while it’s beating. Dommy A/B/O has been a long time coming and I knew from when we first chatted it that if I was ever gonna write it, the hardest part and the most necessary part would be digging into just how deep Tommy’s internalized bullshit ran. He starts out so fucking terrible, and then he GROWS SO MUCH, and I hope that the payoff is as earned for the reader as it was for me after struggling to get it written for literal months. 

13. favorite writing song/artist/album of the year

I’m gonna cheat and put three songs. 

Moving Forward by Colony House and Stella by Cereus Bright are the top of my playlist for writing use your heart while it’s beating.  And now bursting forth in splendor Are the blossoms of second tries Because dreams that bear the mark of love Are dreams that never die. ---------------------------------- I don't need anybody I'm fine here on my own But if I needed somebody It'd be you, I'd call my own

And of course, the song that inspired and pushed me through write how you made me shiver: Used to Be by Matt Nathanson. 

The devil is in the details He and I get on real good Like we used to do And you were right I'm just a stubborn fool who's living in the past

14. a fic you didn’t expect to write

I didn’t expect to write the sun in my eyes at all. Literally, because it was a pinch hit for an exchange I wasn’t signed up for, and in a broader sense, because its longform genderswapped ot4 exhibitionism porn which is both right up my alley and something that I would never have thought I’d be able to write once upon a time in March 2018 when I forgot to take pants off before oral in my first ever sex scene. 23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t

my top two fics that I wanted to write are gifts that I still intend to finish so I shan’t spoil any surprises. Someday I will finish assassins au, hopefully before another year goes by. Mostly I just wanted to write more things, but life and writers block kept getting in the way. 

goals for 2020, I suppose.

[arizonatotoronto]

we need tequila auston and stoned auston sex now thx 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

THIS TOOK FOREVER AND I AM SO SORRY BUT YES. DRUNK AND STONED AUSTON. 

PWP, NSFW, etc etc.

Drunk Auston and stoned Auston, while both really fun for Mitch, fuck like polar opposites.

Mitch doesn’t have a favourite of the two, couldn’t choose one even if you’d asked him.

He supposes he’s far more used to drunk Auston - during the season, anyway. They don’t smoke often until the summer, but they certainly spend enough time out at bars and clubs, both at home and on the road.

Winning games means drinking to celebrate. Losing games can frequently mean drinking to forget.

Either way, Auston’s poison changes depending on the night. Sometimes he likes his gin and tonics, on ice and with a splash of lime. Sometimes he goes for spiced rum and Coke, sometimes just beer (always, always, a Stella). Sometimes he splurges for an expensive, easy-drinking scotch and sips at it, neat.

When it comes to shots, though? It’s tequila. Every single time, it’s tequila.

And the thing is – a tequila-drunk Auston is a handsy, horny, and uninhibited Auston. Mitch knows he’s in for it every single time Auston returns to the table with shotglasses of that amazing and terrible golden liquid. Mitch’s throat burns in sympathy before he’s even downed a single shot himself because this is familiar, so, so familiar by now.

Tonight is precisely one of those nights where Auston is making his way through a frosty pint of Stella (and beer usually means that he’s taking it easy, means he’s saving his alcohol tolerance for something more potent. Mitch shivers at the thought).

Sure enough, Auston disappears to the bar for drinks for them both later on in the evening. They’ve got a table in a fairly secluded corner of the place, and the rest of the team is scattered between the bar, the dancefloor, and the patio.

Auston’s got this look in his eye that absolutely spells trouble for Mitch. It’s been there all night, that look, that smug quirk to his mouth. He knows what he does to Mitch, and it should be infuriating, the way he can manipulate Mitch so perfectly, whenever and however he chooses, but Mitch fucking loves it. (Auston only does it because he loves it.)

It’s not a surprise when Auston returns to the table balancing a tray of six shots, all of them identical, and all of them topped with a wedge of fresh lemon.

Auston’s gaze is intense. He’s watching Mitch with a perfectly-groomed eyebrow raised ever so slightly in challenge, as if to say, “…Well?” as he sets the tray down on their table.

Mitch swallows hard, licks at his suddenly dry mouth. Some nights, he pretends to argue with Auston, protests that he’s good, he doesn’t want shots, he hates tequila, and yet… He gives in every single time. Tonight he doesn’t even bother with the charade.

The bar is fairly dark, and the music on the loudspeaker is something upbeat and sexy. Auston’s wearing this expensive button-up shirt, long-sleeved, but the sleeves are rolled up to bare his forearms. There are three buttons undone at Auston’s neckline to show an enticing tease of the dark chest hair at his collarbone, and lower. He smells amazing, spritzed in that cologne he likes that often has Mitch nosing hungrily at his skin, chasing the scent of it mixed with Auston’s own sweat and musk.

Mitch feels the thrum of alcohol igniting his blood, feels the bass of the music reverberating in his ribcage. Desire licks hot at his insides as Auston mouths at the webbing between the thumb and forefinger of his own left hand and sprinkles salt over the wet skin.

He doesn’t break that intoxicating eye contact with Mitch as he sucks the salt from his hand, tips his head back just enough to down one of the shots in a single smooth swallow. Auston doesn’t wince, never does despite the harsh burn of the alcohol. He slips the lemon wedge between his lips and sucks at it, watching Mitch intently.

He does the next two shots just like that, slow and methodical with that dark, predatory look in his eye. When he’s done, he lines the empty shot glasses up at the edge of the table and licks his lips in apparent satisfaction.

There’s a faint dampness across his mouth from the lemon. Mitch wants to climb out of his own skin from it, wants the taste of it in his own mouth.

He knows he’s staring, frozen, feels unable to move or to look away until Auston is gesturing at the tray, at the remaining shots and saying,

“Drink up, baby.”

His voice is somewhat rough around the edges and he’s smirking as he reaches out for Mitch’s hand. And then he’s sucking at Mitch’s skin, getting it sloppy and wet for the salt he pours over it before letting go of Mitch’s hand and passing him a glass.

Mitch tries to speak. His throat clicks uselessly, and fuck Auston for that smug, smug look on his ridiculously handsome face. It’s not fair, the way he’s able to read Mitch like a book he’s written himself. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Mitch, as always, licks at the salt and obeys. Unlike Auston, he actually needs that chaser of lemon to soothe the sting of the tequila, doesn’t just suck at the slice of citrus for the taste.

And after, the tray sitting abandoned with six empty glasses, Mitch licks the remaining stickiness from the corner of his mouth and feels alive with how *proud* Auston looks.

They don’t stick around for too much longer, uninterested in causing a scandal in public at a bar they’ve become regulars at. When Auston leads them outside to hail a cab, Mitch follows eagerly.

As soon as the door to Auston’s condo shuts behind them, Mitch finds himself shoved unceremoniously up against it, crowded in by the bulk of Auston’s shoulders, hips, and arms. He’s caged there, unable to move, unable to do anything but tilt his face up for a scorching kiss from Auston – and he’s never felt so free.  

Mitch licks the taste of tequila and lemon right out of Auston’s mouth and hears himself whine at how good it tastes, somewhat embarrassed by the sound but powerless to stop it.

He’s drunk. Not so much that he’s blacking out or unaware of what’s going on, but enough that everything is sort of blurry and soft, heavy. It feels amazing and he likes it so much, the way Auston is sucking hot, hot kisses into the skin of his throat, his clavicle. Auston is pretty drunk, too, less aware of his size and his strength like this, less careful with Mitch than he is when he’s sober. It’s perfect, the pleasure-pain combination as he digs his fingertips into Mitch’s hips and shoves them harder against the door.

Alcohol tends to loosen Auston’s tongue, too.

The things he says to Mitch when he’s drunk are absolutely fucking filthy. He’s rocking his hard cock into the cradle of Mitch’s hips, gasping “yeah, god, love it when you fucking moan for me,” into Mitch’s ear.

“Auston,” Mitch moans back, eager to please. His throat is raw from the noises he’s making as Auston finally manhandles him down the hall to his bedroom.

“C'mon,” Auston insists from where he’s standing at the foot of the bed. His hands are already at his own belt, unbuckling it. “Wanna see you, c'mon.”

Mitch gets naked as fast as he physically can, clothing falling to the floor in an obscene heap. And Mitch loves this, too, the way it looks, like they couldn’t wait even a single second longer to get their clothes off.

Auston tugs his own shirt off without bothering to attempt undoing any of the buttons. He flings it behind him and then advances on Mitch, gets right up close. He leans over Mitch, so big and wide and strong, and bears Mitch down onto his back on the bed.

They’re a little bit too far gone to attempt anything complicated.

Auston gets the lube, gets them both coated and sticky with it. He settles most of his weight across Mitch, keeps him pinned to the bed as Auston gets their slippery cocks lined up just right and then fucks his hips against Mitch. It’s a warm slide, wet wet wet, and Mitch throws his head back with the force of his gasp as Auston tells him, “wanna make you come so fucking hard, fuck.”

He hikes Mitch’s legs up around his waist and bends him so far backwards, rubs his slick cock up between Mitch’s cheeks just to hear him moan.

Auston says, “gonna make me come all over you,” and Mitch lets go with an unrestrained wail, his nails scratching gouges in the skin of Auston’s shoulders as he blows his load between their bellies.

+

Sex is different when they smoke – less frantic, less sloppy. There’s still that hungry edge to it, to anything intimate the two of them do together, but it’s a slower burn.

Mitch prefers to smoke at the end of the night, after coming home, just the two of them. Weed tends to make him quiet and introspective. He isn’t much for being social when he’s high.

And Auston doesn’t mind, likes the way good weed makes Mitch all loose and boneless. Likes getting this side of Mitch all to himself.

More often than not, neither of them can be bothered to roll joints. Instead, they head outside to the balcony of Auston’s condo and sit together on the loveseat, passing a glass pipe back and forth between them.

Mitch thinks he prefers pipes anyway. Joints are something you sort of have to smoke right away, constantly burning down, easy to share with a large group. With the pipe, he and Auston can take their time with it.

And they do, alternating between chatting and scrolling on their phones, content to just be together, to be sharing space.

Every so often, Mitch will lean close to Auston so that Auston can light the bowl for him. He takes his thumb off the choke and inhales, breathes deep and holds it there in his lungs. When he finally exhales, it’s with his head tipped back against the cushions of the loveseat, the smoke curling slow and lazy in the warm summer night.

Auston has a playlist for this sort of thing, deep, bass-heavy hip-hop that turns Mitch on almost as much as the weed does. Almost as much as Auston’s heavy gaze does.

They finish the bowl and Auston tips the ashes into an ashtray on the glass table beside him, packs a fresh bowl for them with movements practiced and steady.

Mitch already feels floaty, a faint pleasure thrumming through him from the combination of good weed, good music, and Auston sitting so close. Everything feels heightened, his nerve endings sizzling.

They’re shrouded in darkness, secluded and so intimate. Auston has Mitch tucked up close now, and they’ve both been pretty quiet for a while, just enjoying the sensations of the high without really needing to speak.

Mitch nearly whimpers when Auston takes a deep drag from the pipe and uses his free hand to tilt Mitch’s face up to him, wordlessly offering a kiss.

He accepts the press of Auston’s mouth willingly, opens his lips to breathe in Auston’s smoky exhale. He loves shotgunning so fucking much, loves the way it takes the harshness out of the weed, Auston’s lungs working as a filter.

They finish off the bowl like that, Auston taking the first breath each time and gently pouring the smoke into Mitch’s slack, open mouth. It’s not exactly kissing, but it feels close, Auston’s big hands cradling Mitch’s head, rubbing so nicely down Mitch’s spine every so often, cupping his hips in a proprietary grip. Everything feels hazy and far away, but so damn good.

Eventually, Mitch ends up entirely in Auston’s lap. The bowl is just ash now, and neither of them feels like smoking more for the time being, high enough and floating from it.

They’re content to sit on the loveseat in the balmy air and kiss for real, Mitch’s thighs spread wide over the breadth of Auston’s thick waist, Auston’s hands fisted in Mitch’s t-shirt at his lower back.

“Mm,” Mitch hums into Auston’s mouth as Auston gets a hand up under his shirt, stroking warmly at the dimples just before his back meets his ass. Auston kisses him syrupy slow, but so, so deep, fucks his tongue in warm and wet.

Drunk Auston has this heady urgency to him, paws at Mitch’s clothes like he’d tear them out of the way if he had to. And yeah, Mitch loves that, loves getting Auston right to the edge of his control and then watching him tip over it.

High Auston lacks that urgency, though. His movements are firm but slow, like they’re both building up to things in increments, like they’d be content to sit here and make out, pet each other over their clothes for hours until they finally reach that boiling point. Mitch really fucking loves this, too.

After a while, Mitch becomes aware that he’s sort of rocking himself rhythmically in Auston’s lap, hips hitching foward in a sweet little grind. The friction feels wonderful against where he’s pressing his hard dick into the firmness of Auston’s stomach, and he can feel Auston’s own erection under his ass.

Auston’s got both hands on Mitch’s hips, like he’s guiding Mitch’s movements, helping him rub himself against Auston’s abs and back against his cock. Everything is still nice and hazy and slow, but Mitch can hear the way Auston’s breathing has started to pick up.

It isn’t much longer before Auston’s murmuring, “baby, hold onto me,” in Mitch’s ear.

Mitch wraps both arms around Auston’s neck obediently, and he’s ready for it when Auston starts to stand, coaxing Mitch’s legs around his waist, but the movement still makes him squeal a little.

Auston holds Mitch steady with a hand under his ass and uses his free hand to slide open the balcony door. He carries Mitch inside, doesn’t set him down until they’re in Auston’s bedroom, that deep, sexy music still streaming from Auston’s phone.

(Mitch knows that it’s written all over his expressive face, just how much he fucking loves when Auston picks him up like he weighs nothing at all.)

Auston’s slow to get Mitch out of his clothes like this, takes his time stripping away layers and pressing kisses over newly exposed skin. Mitch feels like his entire body is humming from the attention. He lays spread out over Auston’s sheets and lets it happen, enjoys the lack of desperation as their mouths and hands explore.

Mitch likes that there’s no urgency, no finish line. Just licks and kisses and nibbles, sharp little bites, the sound of Auston’s breath catching in his ear.

Tonight, they actually fuck.

It feels like a long, long time before Auston’s dipping sticky-wet fingers between Mitch’s cheeks, and Mitch opens up for him, spreads his thighs wide without needing to be coaxed. The first press of those two thick fingers inside has Mitch sighing in pleasure, as does the way Auston tugs gently at his rim on every slide back in.

Auston fucks Mitch on his fingers until Mitch is wet and loose around three of them, his back arching from how good it feels, hips working as he presses back onto them and rides the feeling of Auston’s clever hands.

When Auston finally, finally takes his fingers out of Mitch’s ass and replaces them with his big fucking dick, the slide is heavenly. Mitch gasps for it, tilts his hips up and accepts every inch like he’s just that greedy to get dicked down this good.  And honestly, he is. And Auston knows it.

It seems to last forever, hazy, sticky like the moment has been dipped in honey. Mitch clings to Auston’s biceps and arches into every thrust, every filthy grind of his gorgeous dick against all of the sweet spots in Mitch’s ass.

Auston doesn’t talk much when he’s high, and his usual sounds are quieter, but right in Mitch’s ear. So intimate, and all for Mitch. It’s somehow no less hot, no less intoxicating than the filth that Auston moans when he’s fucking Mitch drunk.

“You feel so fucking good,” Mitch sighs, because his nerve endings are on fire from this slow burn that lacks urgency but is working him up to that edge all the same. “God, you feel so good inside me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Auston agrees breathlessly. He speeds up his thrusts, figures out an angle that has Mitch’s back bending from pleasure. “Love the way you take it, Marns.”

“Oh, oh,” Mitch whines, because yeah, if Auston doesn’t stop, if Auston keeps fucking him just like this, he’s going to come. “Please,” he gasps, “Don’t stop, Matty, I’m there, I’m–”

The orgasm leaves Mitch completely limp and boneless. He’s sort of drifting, but manages to keep his ass tilted up nice for Auston until Auston moans once, loud, and comes too.

[bishreview]

Top 50 Singles of 2017

My final article of 2017! There have been a lot of good music this year. Trying to cut down to 50 songs was a hard task, having over 70 songs by different artists before cutting them down. This means I’ve missed a lot of songs that I really wanted to add. I have finally got it down to 50 though and I have made a Spotify playlist which I will link to this if you want to check out the tracks that made it. I’ll only list from 50-21 (like I did last year) but will talk about the top 20 tracks. For statistics, I have one Canadian, four from the UK, eight from the states and a whopping 37 from Australia.

50. Never Let Me Go - Green Buzzard (AUS)

49. 911/Call Me - Tyler the Creator ft. Frank Ocean and Steve Lacy (US)

48. call the police - LCD Soundsystem (US)

47. Birthdays - The Smith Street Band (AUS)

46. Yanada - The Preatures (AUS)

45. Love Can Be. . . - Vince Staples ft. Ray J, Kilo Kish and Damon Albarn (US)

44. Pure Luck - Ninajirachi ft. Freya Staer (AUS)

43. Crushing Hard - Urthboy (AUS)

42. Murder to the Mind - Tash Sultana (AUS)

41. Dawning - DMAs (AUS)

40. Diamonds - A$AP Twelvyy ft. A$AP Rocky (US)

39. Second Hand Car - Kim Churchill (AUS)

38. Golden - Kingswood (AUS)

37. The Remedy - Polaris (AUS)

36. P Plates - Ruby Fields (AUS)

35. These Kicks - Citizen Kay ft. Georgia B. (AUS)

34. Shred for Summer - DZ Deathrays (AUS)

33. Feel It Still - Portugal. The Man (US)

32. Science Fiction - The Belligerents (AUS)

31. Cigarette - Ali Barter (AUS)

30. Got On My Skateboard - Skeggs (AUS)

29. I Haven’t Been Taking Care of Myself - Alex Lahey (AUS)

28. Andromeda - Gorillaz ft. DRAM (UK)

27. Man You Want Me To Be - WHARVES (AUS)

26. Afterthought - Dear Seattle (AUS)

25. True Lovers - Holy Holy (AUS)

24. Homely Feeling - Hockey Dad (AUS)

23. Low Blows - Meg Mac (AUS)

22. One More Love Song - Mac DeMarco (CAN)

21. The Evil Has Landed - Queens of the Stone Age (US)

20. Not Worth Hiding - Alex the Astronaut (AUS)

Alex the Astronaut has had a huge year. She released her debut album and has seen a growing fanbase to make her one of Australia’s most popular solo female artists. Her lead single Not Worth Hiding is a gorgeous song, reflecting her humble, gentle, kind attitude whilst having a relevant political point about accepting LGBTI communities

19. Night of the Long Knives - Everything Everything (UK)

Night of the Long Knives is a huge song. From the first time the chorus drops, it brings you into a darker, experimental world, shaping what is to come on most of their album A Fever Dream. Jonathan Higgen’s voice is again flexed, his falsetto being a brilliant feature in the verses.

18. Deadcrush - Alt-J (UK)

There are many highlights on Relaxer and I had a hard time picking between this, In Cold Blood¸ and Adeline. Deadcrush has become my favourite off the album though, the weird vocal in the chorus and thumping bass heavy beat making it both an intriguing listen and a danceable track.

17. Destiny’s - Arno Faraji (AUS)

Triple J’s Unearthed High winner, Arno Faraji, is the future of Australian Hip Hop. His beats are mellow, and his rapping style laid back, having a heavy influence on US rappers like Chance the Rapper and GoldLink. Definitely an artist to watch for the future, with Destiny’s being his best song so far

16. Dumb Days - Tired Lion (AUS)

Tired Lion’s debut album this year was a good listen. The title track though blows the rest of the album away. With a strong theme of growing up and missing the feeling of being younger, Sophie Hopes belts out the Smashing Pumpkins like track, with the outro chorus hitting right into the feels.

15. Friends - Kwame (AUS)

One of my best discoveries of the year was Sydney rapper Kwame. His EP Lesson Learned was a great listen from start to finish. Friends is a highlight from the EP, with a beautiful piano motif throughout, reminiscent of artists like Kanye. Another Australian rapper who will hopefully shape the future of the genre.

14. Fuck Off - Pist Idiots (AUS)

Another Triple J Unearthed find, Pist Idiots are a great punk band. On Fuck Off they don’t hold back, detailing a broken relationship where the partner doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. The brutality of the lyrics combined with the distorted, messy instrumentation is brilliant, conveying a feel of desperation in the music.                 

13. Be About You - Winston Surfshirt (AUS)

From one of the year’s angriest tracks to one of the year’s sexiest tracks, Be About You is a smooth song. With Winston’s intimate delivery in both the rap verses and the falsetto chorus, it builds like an Anderson Paak or Justin Timberlake song. Definitely the most intimate song of the year.

12. Chateau - Angus and Julia Stone (AUS)

Brother and sister duo Angus and Julia Stone returned from a long hiatus this year with their album Snow. The highlight from this album was Chateau, their biggest song since 2010’s Big Jet Plane. With gorgeous production, beautiful harmonies and a relaxed vibe, their switch to a more pop direction was a good choice, producing one of their best songs yet.

11. Run for Cover - The Killers (US)

Just missing out on my top 10 was the comeback from Las Vegas rockers, The Killers. Although lead single The Man was good, I felt Run for Cover highlighted their sound better, being a strong rock song reminiscent of past hits such as When You Were Young and Read My Mind. The quartet came back into mainstream attention this year in a big way, and Run for Cover was the track that proved it.

10. Feel the Way I Do - The Jungle Giants (AUS)

If someone told me that Jungle Giants would be releasing fresh tunas like this I’d be shocked and appalled. But here we are. From the opening keyboard motif to the singalong choruses, this has everything a perfect indie pop song needs.

9. Humble - Kendrick Lamar (US)

Humble is the biggest track of the year. It will probably win the Hottest 100 (deservedly) and will continue to dominate most dancefloors around the world. It’s mix of a catchy hook, a strong beat and Kung Fu Kenny’s signature rapping style is brilliant and it’s obvious why this song has become such a megahit.

8. Nuclear Fusion - King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard (AUS)

Out the 50-something songs that King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard have released this year, the early release Nuclear Fusion still stands tall as the best. Their exploration of microtonal tunings and riffs are at their best in this song, as they utilise microtones to create a catchy yet dissonant melodies, catching the listener off guard. The “nuclear fusion” voice is a winner as well.

7. You’re in Love with a Psycho - Kasabian (UK)

Writing a perfect pop rock song is pretty hard. It’s a risky move, balancing catchy hooks with enough experimentation to remain interesting. You’re in Love With a Psycho is one of those songs which master it though. A song which is impossible to remove from your brain once you listen to it, it’s a completely fun, silly song which you can’t stop playing on repeat. With lines like “you’re like the taste of macaroni on a seafood stick”, Kasabian might have written the most fun pop song of the year.

6. The Comedown - Ocean Alley (AUS)

Like The Jungle Giants, I wasn’t too big on Ocean Alley a couple of years back. They’ve completely converted me though with The Comedown. With crisp piano, a smooth baseline, some beautiful guitar effects and the amazing voice of Baden Donegal, Ocean Alley have filled up the hole that Sticky Fingers left behind.

5. Marryuna - Baker Boy ft. Yirrmal (AUS)

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a tradition Indigenous language rapped before, but Baker Boy’s unique style of mixing his Indigenous tongue with English is genius. He switches between languages with ease, whilst creating catchy hooks which will get you singing along, even if you don’t really know what the words mean (highly recommend looking them up though). Baker Boy is a huge talent for the next generation and hopefully we hear more Indigenous hip hop following his success.

4. Boys will be Boys - Stella Donnelly (AUS)

This song is a tough listen, and even harder to write about. Stella Donnelly’s song detailing the experience of her friend’s experience after being raped, including the victim blaming by friends and family of the rapist, is hard to hear, especially when it’s described in such an honest and detailed manner. It’s a song that needs to be written though, with it’s message as relevant as ever with protests like the ‘#metoo’ campaign bringing light to rape culture and victim blaming/shaming. It’s a beautiful song as well, with Donnelly��s voice perfectly blending with the gorgeous guitar accompaniment.

3. Exactly How You Are - Ball Park Music (AUS)

Ball Park Music were relatively quiet for most of 2017, but they released two great indie tunes in the second half, the best being Exactly How You Are. A gorgeous love song which is as beautiful as it is simple sounds like an early Beatles or Beach Boys song, as Jen and Sam’s voices harmonise perfectly together in the chorus. Be prepared for an album by the band in 2018, with second single The Perfect Life Does Not Exist also being a great song

2. Watch Me Ready You - Odette (Aus)

Some songs take a couple of listens to really sink in, but some hit you immediately. Watch Me Read You fits in that second category. I remember my first experience with this song, straight away being entranced by the lyrical work on display. Odette’s delivery is both beautiful and sinister, with a beat-poetry-like vocal performance in the verses bringing light to the stories within the lyrics. She also shows she can belt out a chorus, with the hook highlighting her impressive vocal range. This is one of those songs which stays with you but continues to surprise when you listen. Hopefully we hear more of this later on in Odette’s career.

1. What Can I Do if the Fire Goes Out - Gang of Youths (AUS)

My number one mid-year still hasn’t changed. Although released early in the year, Gang of Youth’s lead single off their acclaimed album Go Farther in Lightness still hits me hard with every listen. From the ferocious drumming, the beautiful guitar riffs and the powerful voice of David Le’aupepe, WCIDFTFGO is a massive song. With lyrics which question one’s beliefs and faith when things go wrong, it’s a deeply personal but relatable song. It’s quite ironic that this year’s number one is about the loss of faith, whilst last year’s number one (Kanye West’s Ultralight Beam) was celebrating faith. This is a powerful track though, with its highlight being the gorgeous yet intense guitar breakdown just before the final chorus. 2017 was Gang of Youth’s year, with many tracks off their album going close to taking out my number one. This single though still reigns as the strongest track though and will definitely be a Hottest 100 top 20 (and maybe 10) contender, along with other hits like Let Me Down Easy and The Deepest Sighs, The Frankest Shadows.

Well that’s 2017 done. I will definitely be doing a review of Gizzard’s last album of 2017 this week sometime (I promise) and will try to have a look at N.E.R.D’s latest album as well as hopefully seeing films like All the Money in the World and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and reviewing both of those, as they are highly anticipated films for myself. Have a good New Year and thanks for the support. It’s been hard to keep consistent with this blog this year but next year should be a lot easier and I will try to review both films and music on a weekly basis (might be harder some weeks but we will see). Thanks.

[icharchivist]

#LRB i talk honestly all the time about how important Stella is characterwise but yknow what the thing with music is also how it relates to you on a personal level and all and i underestimated Stella. which is wild since i've legit listened to it about 100x times in two days lately

so i'm in a bad depressed mood but still want to listen to hpm right but i cant bear the cheerful songs so i've put Labyrinth Walls, Tigurijia, Scenario Liar and Stella in a playlist while snobbing Bayside Smocking Blues and New Star- the song that are arguably the deepest in sort of raw personal negative emotions. and all of them are freaking fantastic but as i didnt expect Stella stole the show again but not characterwise this time, utterly out of context.

if we take the songs and forget for one minute to take them as what it tells us about the characters but what emotional themes are into them-

Labyrinth Walls is like... Existential Crisis Intensifies. it's frustrated it's raw, it's the helplessness of watching that world and how to be able to figure out your own place in it while all collapses while mostly just clinging to this life even if it takes time to understand it, and trying to fight all you can about this collapse, on your sense of why being alive, why we have to cling on being alive, but in such a pessimistic approach as well. on why as a question, not a justification, and the answer is to stay alive to find a proper answer one day.

Tigurijia is just, Depression Intensify, it's how overwhelming and draining the world is, that the impossibility to stand it is suffocating, that sleeping is a relief out of it, blaming oneself for not standing it, wanring to give up, it's the most pessimistic song in all of hpm's library (Doppo you're always a mood but you didnt have to go this hard)

Bayside Smocking Blues is more on this level of discomfort and frustration with the present and the person it forces you to become, and having to face this discomfort, this loneliness, even if anger fuels so to get throught it the bitterness reeks through all the song

New Star is sadder but it's the most optimistic of the individual songs, it's more about finding your own place in the universe even if it's confusing, to make your proofs, all of that.

out of all those songs, Scenario Liar is completely focused on how the past shape the person you become, those sad and loenly moments that pushed to raise walls around oneself, but it is still heavily of the sad tale of how the past shapes us.

and then we got Stella. And Stella is a group, imaginary song in verse yes but it basically goes on as three characters exposing all the ways life had broken them, whenever it was by their own hands or others's influence, society, humanity ect, that pushed them to be alone and lonely, but the song is about overcoming this loneliness, to band in together in it, it is about embracing those flaws and moving forward mistakes after mistakes, to find hope in a shooting star to guide them where they would feel at peace. three broken souls looking for help, for salvation, for humanity, broken by the world around them and what it pushed them to lose, deciding to band together and find a home one step at a time and being better people and making their own story.

we go from loneliness and helplessness to bitterness and yearning for salvation to being lost within its own self and it ends with just well. yeah. we're all fucked up in our own way. Let's bet that we can make it better despite it all. One step at a time, one mistake at a time. it goes from helplessness to finding an overwhelming hope they are ready to put all their faith into to grow.

Stella is a beautiful song in verse and character wise. i just never took the time to think about how a random listener who has no lore would connect to the emotional theme until i listened to it in a very sad mood

i've listened to this song multiple hundreds of time for over a month and not only am i not over it, but i find new ways to get emotional and have it weaves itself around my soul thread by thread.

not just as a hpm/fp fan bias there. Stella is legit a masterpiece to me.

i will be very sad the day i get sick of listening it bc of how much i overlisten to it, but as it goes, I'm so grateful for the layers of emotions it brings me.

Stella for best song for ever and ever.

[sh-lan]

OMFG LAST QUARTER EVER + some spring break stuff???

Took a weekend off of life Retail therapy at its finest today Even though new jeans were overdue

It’s crazy how it still came I guess it’s a force of nature But omg it’s gonna be here on the concert T^T

This nerd would have mitsuha’s theme on his playlist smh #nochu

April 2nd, 2017 BTS Wings Tour I still can’t believe it happened I’ve been awake since 8am lol and it’s like 1:54am and i’m still trying to process and remember everything that happened today It felt like a dream! I can’t believe I saw them in real life. ohmygod Hands down, easily one of the best day of this week - if not this entire year so far holy shit will continue this tomorrow as i reminisce ok but one thing i noticed is that jungkook’s thighs are actually so real like wtf? shookt EDIT: lol i never finished this but oh well

oop i just bought more rings goodbye money

my charger broke gg time to get another one

I have a newfound appreciation for the color pink or more like my appreciation for pink is coming back

When you get anxious because bts hasnt posted on twitter for 3 days but then you also know they’re resting and that they deserve this break

SPRING QUARTER LEGGO tu/th schedule let’s hope this all works well keke

week 1 recap tuesday - sees everybody in freaking AB LOL sees harry after walking out of my tdpw sees alana and dylan outside my global health class which alana is also taking, and becca and tanya lOL goes to cogs 122 to find chen screaming my name - also vania and stella <3 last class is normal - with nobody in management BUT LOL LEIGHTON ADDED THE CLASS ON THURSDAY HAHA there’s also this girl in my tdpw class who looks like lindsay lohan and her name is also lindsey but with an e cause i saw it on the email lol not a stalker

Decided to gel nails it out friday of week 1 whut whut

First attempt at 양념치킨~

been using the soundtrack of your name this past week to get over pcd it’s been a week and i still haven’t recovered T^T

went to kbbq with harry! lol week 1 sunday started at manna….having an adventure in between at manna keke “started here and ending it here?” LOL

currently craving anything strawberry

don’t understand why i need to have my email as a send&receive in order to sms to work on my laptop bb why are you being stubborn when you’ve been working fine all this time

under yuri’s recommendation, i microwaved my coffee because it was lukewarm and she called me extra LOL

i’m getting nervous about a presentation when i shouldn’t be because ?? my AB service leader self is like completely gone i wanna crawl into a hole

i just finished season 2 and 3 of htgawm in less than a week… how they gonna do season 4 i wonder

Week 2 thursday I was actually really looking forward to class today Also my rings came! Though were they worth the $50….not so sure Were they cute? Yes But not as cute as the other one T^T So i mustnt give in to temptations nowww

I found out what matcha powder mom uses to make their matcha latte Cappuccine frappe mix But it’s sadly not on amazon ):

This new tumblr function is really inconvenient cause i cant tell how many thing i have on queue brcause i have to keep switching blogs -_-

Han came to visit! Friday Papa johns Saturday Snooze brunch Infinitea Abeh hangout In n out Sunday Aquarium! Koon thai Ramen yamadaya Boba bar and then i drove him to irvine where we got coco curry! and then i drove back and he bought me milk tea with pudding

Had an epiphany It’s not anenome It’s anemone

Omg but like why dont people call spoiler alerts “spoilerts”

Started 13 reasons why with Han Finished it, tuesday week 3 Hmmm How to feel

finished strong woman park hyung sik is so…adorable? IT’S SO WEIRD. HIS AEGYO LEVEL IS INSANE

When you realize that 둘! 셋! is probably the title of the fan song because that’s what BTS always say when they introduce themselves And that BTS + ARMY forever ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I’m not crying r u crying ;___;

어떻게

Omg when you wake up for reorientation and jungkook does lives <3

highkey need to crawl into a hole tbh

You know what i want to do? Go to an olive garden Even though i know it’ll taste bad lol

Not really sure what i want… But i dont want my 4 years to be a waste ):

i….skipped out on an interview today was it the right choice i may never know

most recent ep of snk got me fucked up SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT YMIR AND CHRISTA’S RELATIONSHIP IS WHO IS CHRISTA

Lol i hella bombed my quiz GOODBYE GONNA P/NP HAHA

Week 4 weekend Fuck me in the ass i twisted my ankle and i am in irvine had to pop an advil and cruise control all the way back thank god there weren’t many cars lol 0/10 do not recommend

Slept on the couch the past two days to elevate my ankle Glad to be back in bed But i think i might be a little…sick? Fuck Need to grocery shop

Dammit i got called for jury duty

Ok but i twisted my ankle and two recruiters emailed me back the next day so was it really a loss

Week 5 i’m sick…

just watched 5 centimeters per second a little sadder than i was an hour ago

fuck i forgot that my jeans are new and i washed it and my pink shirt is ruined fml triggered

thursday after rolling over ma ankle i can finally see that it is a lil swollen and there is bruising LOL also saw an owl at school today and a bunny while leaving to go to meeting

week 5 tuesday saw two bunnies on my way out to school

I just saw two hummingbirds! 😍

I cant believe yuri and i finished twenty SMH

ABCD today Some qualitee photos were taken Im tired now

Really debating the 4th term

third day of back pain flexibility dying wow what is happening???

…..army 4th term is $75 cries EDIT: it’s $66 because i forgot exchange rate but still cri EDIT EDIT: it’s $45 if i ship it to taiwan - seriously really highkey considering that now oh dear

bro i think i just experienced katawaredoki whut

i keep thinking that my ankle is ok but i always end up doing something that ends up hurting it like hella im

Week 6 thursday last leadership meeting one of my favorite meetings because whoa INFORMATION!? it was nice wanted to discuss and add in my two cents but i honestly just wasn’t able to wrap my head around everything loool then…we decided to go to PB LOL chen, jeong, yuri, justin and his friends (including nicole, nicole, sandy) and then more people. we also met leslie, brett, dexter, allison, kenny, peter, abby, ben…and more? at pb lolol and also we saw miguel and anthony - it was like a freshman year flashback tbh lOL went to vallartas after and then came home to shower and finally sleep at 3:30am wot is life NEXT DAY ADVENTURES - leighton and i finally pulled out the weeds and now we’re tired

salty that i wasnt invited to the birthday celebration, not that i would really make the trip per say but wtf gurl

I just had this really sad thought that i’m probably never gonna ever get to know bts like friends y i do dis to meself

Wait so like i got sick while at clew’s and it didnt happen until week 5 and so i was sick from week 5 through week 6 and at this one point i couldnt taste my food it was terribad

May 12th I bought the membership LOL Hopefully it mails it correctly back to Taiwan ☺️

im dumb i didn’t save the color i wanted for my hair

omg the song vania recommended to me a few days ago was recommended by jungkook like a year or so ago on twitter lOOOOL

Just tryna level up here :<

Struggles when places are in the east coast and phone calls are early in the fckin morning

Note to self: Ridge cut potato chips with sea salt is good for stuff with dip Ridge cut salt and pepper is good for regular eating, but gets salty at the bottom LOL EDIT: per vania’s suggestion, i salted and peppered my chips

watching jungkook’s vlive AND HE JUST HARMONIZED WITH HIMSELF IM DED

Just woke up from a dream where someone hurt my brother/nade him fall and i was so angry? Was about to go ape shit on that person im ded lol who is rhis angry me

Rewatched and finished reply 1997 Wow what is life when yoon jae is life But also what is life when your idols are life Daily reminder to not be as obsessed as shiwon LOLOL

i can’t go to giraffage and elephante anymore im on the otherhand i get to go to virginia???

lol but like i haven’t been writing drafts because i often write in my notebook now but here are some updates - my nails are constantly chipping - forgot about grad photos that clashed with the weekend han is coming - im ded because i probs won’t have a weekend to myself until week 10 - struggles to figure out graduation things - paid my $54 to walk #mostexpensivewalkever

LAST LEADERSHIP MEETING (turnover) what am i going to do with my thursday nights now? it’s been a good run

Jealous of the staff that holds and records the camera during vlives? LOL who am i

When you forget that jeon jungkook did taekwondo before Hnnnngh

i just reaffirmed? or discovered? that i don’t like fruity pebbles o_o

Trying to think of a thing to put on my grad cap Tis hard Let’s make a list: 花樣年華 Strong power thank you You never walk alone Ireumeun deborah LOL Lol omg but why is yoongi’s “cheater never win but i just graduated” quote so appropriate for grad EXTRA + ORDINARY* Lost my way/found my way* Click clack to the bang Smile with me, cry with me, fly with me (you make me begin, you made me again) Ctrl+c, ctrl+v do you know “____” (hci? annyeonghasaeyo) To lose your path, Is the way to find that path* 꽃길만 걷자* Let’s fly with our beautiful wings in 2017 EDIT: i’m too lazy, i didn’t do anything to my cap lOL

Im shookt cause namjoon doesnt say 이제 feelin the vibe. HE SAYS IF YOU FEELIN THE VIBE. I feel…betrayed

Non whitewashed bangtan gives me life

May 21st My first haircut since… Since i got it cut over the summer?????

Bought me stole and tassel today Smh that i cant grab my muir tickets?? Cause i ordered all commencwment tickets SMH

Lowkey afraid of not passing mgt LOL

Omfg i knew we were going to have a pop quiz. It really happened

nicole and evelyn commented that they liked my hair and audrey and malia agreed i gotta say i’m so glad people remember me in my tdpw class LOOL

Cant get the seventeen song outta my head Shookt by the choreography

Y'all im so fckin shookt First the chainsmokers post on twitter like “see you in the summer” Then they win the BBMAs like a boss Then you see them on halsey + steve aoki’s snapchat Next things you know steve aoki is postin shit like “BTS x AOKI COMING SOON” Im SCREAMING

Yo my lyft driver dropped some knowledge again and told me his life story lmao he was a police officer in chicago and he was forced to retired and then ?? after chasing down a rapist and getting into a fight, he was seriously injured. but his dad (a judge or someone powerful idk) forced him out of retirement by telling everyone to not give him his benefits and shit and i was like. whoa bro. slow down? “embrace the unknown”

I finally tried the coconut black tie at peet’s 10/10 a mistake

Okay but can we talk about how on point everybody looked in the comeback Esp wonwoo and dk But also vernon 👌🏼

First time in virginia/ being so close to washington dc! Whoa Also gonna pass by texas too :O Knocking some states off my list

I WITNESSED MY FIRST CIRCLE RAINBOW THINGY ON THE PLANE FROM VIRGINIA TO DALLAS TODAY HOLY IT WAS V COOL

i don’t know why i never realized this about myself before but i need to be/live by a body of water at all times or i won’t feel comfortable this is weird

i told han i joined the fanclub and he like died for like 2 seconds lOL

ok but like i bought a carton of eggs and 6 or 7 of them were double yolks and i have 2 more eggs left im starting to think i’m eating some weird hybrid chickens EDIT: those last two eggs were both double yolks. this was a wild adventure

omg i knew that the TA MOST LIKELY RYAN WOULDNT UNDERSTAND OUR IDEA JUST LIKE HOW HE ALWAYS MISINTERPRETS THEM??? like what kind of constructive feedback is that if he doesn’t understand what we’re trying to do im… sigh

Already excited about the festa But like omfg they released the schedule today And just WE DONT TALK ANYMORE PT 2?? SO FAR AWAY FEATURING JIN AND JUNGKOOK? Im IM SCREAMING also sad but the radio show is right before my finals gotta prioritize, no bts fo me ;__;

after waiting two weeks, my application to get leveled up was rejected *cries* time to try again! *^*

okay but really feeling seventeen’s song as well as suran’s song like hIGHKEY

i finally got my commencement tickets the third time that i went to the bookstore third time’s the charm right? also whytf is the parking pass for all campus commencement so huge -_-

hnngh omg that feel when you have hella shit to do TPDW1 final play due week 9 friday because we won’t have class at all on week 10 then there’s the presentation (elevator pitch) that happened today week 9 thursday but also just hauling ass on things for A5 tbh what is this what is everything wot is the meaning of life when vania and i stay up till 3:30am lol… and then there’s me. tired af but didn’t sleep til 4:30 anyways cause i’m a dumbass l e l let’s not be a potato this last week k?

burger king in pc has its own free wifi called WhopperWifi and it’s so much faster than school wifi this is revolutionary

week 9 weekend to irvine irritated on the way over irritated on the way back lol wot is life i should’ve just turned around to go back home

NO TDPW1 WEEK 10 WOOT wow that means i won’t have class until 2pm whoa

“why are you reading math formulas” - yuri i was actually reading bts profiles lOLOL she just dissed their handwritings

Just spent the past hour or so looking at kakao friends merchandise And discovering that apeach is a genetically modified peach lol

that moment when you ask for a png file but get a jpg

dyed my hurr twice today for a darker shade still not what i was going for but this will do for now

Omfg i slept through my alarm until 1pm Goodbye study time?? Also omg i like it pt 2 video SHIT SHIT SHIT THEY KNOW WE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. HAD IT SINCE BAEPSAE DAYS. BUT DIDNT RELEASE IT. Freakin bighit

My request to level up on the fancafe has once again been rejected ); EDIT: oMFG IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHANGE THE SETTING TO SOMETHING im screaming, what a first world problem THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM AMIRITE

Doesnt feel like it… But thursday was my last time going to class…pretty much like ever unless i go to more school Holy shit

Oh man I didnt think i’d have THAT much shit. But…i think i have A LOT of shit….

saw bts MBIT and i was like omfg! knew that i was INFJ but took the test again yesterday and ended up INFP….but just barely P so i think i’ll stick with INFJ lol EDIT: i took the test again today because vania and yuri were talking about it again and i am still INFP…and more P this time. SO LOST. WHO AM I

put my things up for sale i forgot that i might need my light el oh el crying on the inside cause i want to keep my desk but then i’m selling it off because i don’t think i’ll have space for it and i just CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE IT’S BEEN WITH ME FOR SO LONG T^T

ON ANOTHER NOTE. THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM LEVELED UP ON JUNE 12TH AT ONE SOMETHING AM

JUNE 12TH FINISHED MY FIRST AND LAST FINAL I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER??? also lmao i spent 45 min on the final wot

i dyed my hair darker but now it’s become lighter? wait wtf wait no go back EDIT: wait no it went back to being dark? is this a thing? when i get exposed to the sun it gets lighter and when i sleep it gets darker??? smh at light for fckin with me

so i set an alarm to watch the bts home party last night for like 3:57am and i didn’t hear it but i guess i kinda did cause i woke up at 4:05am and was like ??? i decided to watch a bit of it but ended up streaming the whole thing until 5:45am looooool also watched the numbers grow from the 500,000 all the way to 2,000,000 and then 3,000,000? it was nuts

omfg all these years of rereading chapters and only now do i realize that i could save bookmarks on mangahere *slaps forehead*

Moment of silence cause i sold my desk that’s accompanied me for almost 10 years It even has battlescars (aka X marks by Jacky, 3 of them) LOL memories ;___; Oh and i guess my chair too

lol was gonna sell that yamaha guitar for $45 but it’s going for like $190 on ebay?? so ima just bring it home

finals week hangout list: tuesday: fud with kimberly, peyton, harry wednesday: more fud with stephanie and ellius thursday: KBBQ FOR LUNCH with jeong, justin, yuri, harry LOOOOL

and so...that’s the end of the quarter. my last quarter of school ever (unless i decide to go to more school...which seems unlikely as of right now) it feels weird.................................. but! onto graduation~ looking forward to being reunited with family and whatever’s gonna hit me in the face LOL

and with that goodbye undergrad, hello world ㅇㅅㅇ

[jawnjendes]

it came back for more | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

AN: let me know if i should give the goth gf a name bc like,,,,,,,,,,, idk just let me know,, also does anyone actually like this series lmao

masterlist | series playlist

"You're leaving me?" Shawn asked in mock disbelief.

I knew he was joking, but the fact that he said it as we were walking through campus, in the view of many passing students was a little embarrassing. There was just no getting used to that, like he couldn’t get used to my emotional distance sometimes. I just kept my eyes on the ground and continued walking next to him. No hand holding today. Doesn’t mean I don’t adore him any less.

"I made plans with Stella weeks ago," I told him. "We already bought tickets."

Shawn smiled, letting go of his pretend hurt. "It's cool. I understand, and I hope you have fun."

"Shit, me too. I feel like this movie is going to destroy me."

Yes, this is about the most anticipated movie of the year. Yes, I was more hyped than I have been in months. No, there will not be any spoilers.

"You're welcome to tag along," I added. "I mean, if there's still seats available at the theatre."

He shrugged off the invite, which I knew he would do. Shawn wasn't into this particular franchise, claiming he was tired of this type of movie. Can't say I blame him, plenty of people felt the same way. It was just hard to ramble at him about it because he didn't know jack shit. That was why I was going to the movie with Stella.

"I'll just stay home and watch Grey's without you." He smirked.

"First of all, that's mean and I would never do that to you. Secondly, Grey's comes back next week!"

"Oh yeah."

“Besides,” I added, “I’m gonna spend the night at your place anyway. Just like every Thursday.”

“Yeah, but instead of twenty four uninterrupted hours, we’ll get…” Shawn counted on his fingers. “...Less than that?”

We made it back to my dorm to find Stella lying facedown on the couch. Shawn and I shared a look as we entered the vicinity. Not that this wasn’t unusual, it was just hard to pinpoint her reasoning for this. I mean, I shouldn’t talk. Sometimes I lie on the floor without explanation wherever I please. Stella was used to that, but Shawn would ask if I “wanted to talk” or something.

"Did you get spoiled?" I asked her.

"No," she replied, her voice muffled by the cushions. "I'm trying to kill time. There's five hours left before the movie!"

I sighed and went to sit on her legs. "I know. I made Shawn take my phone because I don't wanna go online and see something I don't wanna see."

Stella picked her head up. "That's a good idea." She reached for her phone on the table, extending her arm towards my boyfriend. "Can you take mine too?"

Shawn chuckled, back and forth between the two of us. But he took Stella's phone. "You're both crazy."

"And what about it?" I said back. Then I reached for his hand. "Anyway, I need you to keep me busy for at least three hours." I smiled and batted my lashes in an exaggerated manner.

"Only three hours?" he replied with a cheeky grin as he took my hand and got me to my feet again.

"Ugh!" Stella interjected as she rolled off the couch. "I'm going to the library! And I'm leaving my phone so I don't go online! If I'm not back before we have to leave, just assume I killed myself because I got spoiled!"

"That's valid," I told her, "but I like you better alive."

~

Two of the three hours went by before Shawn practically tired himself out. He tapped out and rolled onto his back, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I couldn’t blame him for pulling out (in every aspect) because it was close to finals season. Tensions were rising, he was finally feeling the consequences of missing assignments and poor exam grades. I knew that because I was going through the same thing. The semester was going to be over in a month, then I would be going back to California.

And Shawn was coming with me… for a week.

It got awfully cramped on my single size bed by the time Shawn was out like a light, so I got up and decided to get ready. I got dressed in the appropriate attire for this movie, a black t-shirt with the franchise logo and black leggings. Then I grabbed my makeup bag and sat down on the floor in front of my mirror. Halfway through my routine, Shawn awoke with a start.

"I'm up! Let's go again!" he said, sitting up.

I looked at him through the mirror, still blending concealer under my eyes with a sponge. "You're like, twenty minutes too late, my dear. I'm already getting ready."

He rubbed his eyes and yawned, nodding in response. "Okay…"

As he lied down again, I couldn't help but smile. Shawn was really fucking cute, and he had no right to be. I don't want to sound like that girl, because I’m rarely that girl, but how was I expected to spend three whole hours away from him tonight? Thursdays were usually our night, since neither of us worked or had class after four o'clock. I mean, nothing was going to stop me from going to this movie, let alone a cute guy with curly hair and a charming smile. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t miss him.

"You're still welcome to join us," I told him from where I was sitting.

"You really want me to go, eh?" he replied, shifting to his side so he was looking at me.

"I'm just saying, it's probably the only time you'll see me cry."

Shawn picked his head up, eyes wide. "Seriously?"

Between the two of us, he was the crier. Are we surprised at this point? I had my exceptions, like watching a new movie I was very passionate about, or when my chronic GI issues would flare up and give me a panic attack. However, I haven't gotten sick in a while, so technically only one thing was going to make me weep.

"Well," Shawn spoke after a while, "guess I'm going."

~

I knew I was expecting tear jerkers, but I still sported my inner and outer wings to the movie. Half of it smudged onto my eyelids and half was under my eyes. On top of that, I got a dehydration headache, because I refused to drink water during a three hour long movie. I did eat popcorn, even though it was well after the time I cut off food for the day. That sounds concerning, but it's a thing I go through. If I eat after 8PM I will spend the night barfing.

Shawn, Stella, and I left the theatre practically buzzing. The mood of the film and the other moviegoers kept our spirits high, despite the fact that Stella and I had visible mascara tracks on our faces. I cried at things you wouldn’t normally cry at in a movie, like when your favorite character breathes, or makes a dramatic entrance.

"Okay," Shawn said, "that was actually a really good movie."

"Good enough to convert into a stan?" I asked, holding his hand.

"Mm, probably not."

I quickly let go of his hand. "Fine."

Walking towards the parking lot was when I started to feel something. My abdomen felt a little sore, and it made me slow down my steps a little bit. I placed my hand on my stomach; It wasn’t excruciating, but it was noticeable.

"You okay, honey?" Shawn asked, looking at me.

I nodded quickly and got back into step with him. However, the soreness was persisting by the time we got back to my car. I unlocked the doors to let Stella and Shawn in, but I stood where I was and focused on this pain. Maybe I cried too hard at the movie. Maybe the popcorn I had was giving me a warning.

Either way, there go my late night plans.

"So, I don't think I should stay at your place tonight," I told Shawn when I got in the car.

"Aw, why?" he asked.

"My stomach is, uh, acting up a little. Not feeling too good."

"You're gonna let your stomach stop you?" Stella piped up from the backseat. She wasn't one to normally say things like that. She knew how serious I got when I got sick.

I looked at her through the rear view mirror. "You got plans tonight?"

She picked at her nails and stayed quiet for a minute. "I have a friend visiting."

"Just stay at mine anyway," Shawn said to me. "I have the tea you like, and medicine, and a shit ton of blankets to keep you cozy. I'll be there to take care of you."

"I don't know, I wouldn’t wanna put that on you."

"I really don't mind."

We’ve been together five and a half months. In those months, I have gotten flare ups a handful of times, and all of those times had to do with trying new foods that ended up disagreeing with me. Each time I was with Shawn, and I had to tell him to leave me to deal with my illness. He did so, reluctantly. He really wanted to nurse me back to health, though.

Sickness is just so ugly. I didn't want to burden him with my physically unstable ass sleeping on the bathroom floor. I didn't want him to hear me puking in his bathroom. We just got to a place where things were Love sick, not Sick sick. Everything was so soft and sweet between us. For once nothing was grey, it was soft blend of black and pink. I didn’t want to taint it with my stupid gastrointestinal crap.

On the other hand, Stella is my roommate. She offers to look after me when I get sick, to which I always say no. I know how to handle it. Still, she goes to the extent of cancelling plans and breaking dates just in case I needed help. She was my safe person when went out. She was the extrovert who wanted and deserved to have a good time.

I had to stop by campus to drop Stella off, anyway. She got out of the car, reminding me once again that she'll have somebody over very soon.

Shawn turned to me once we were alone. "Please stay with me tonight."

"I don't need you to deal with my sickness," I said firmly. "It's nothing personal-"

"Okay, stop for a second," he told me. Then he placed his hand on the shoulder of my seat. "I know you know how to handle yourself when you get sick. It's like, a plan you've had to make and adjust over time, and you know it like the back of your hand. I get that, you know how to take care of yourself. I just don't want you to do this plan alone."

"I won't be alone, I have Stella." By that I mean, she's on standby only if things go really wrong... which is never. I’m not that sick.

This time, though… I’ve only felt actual pain one time before this.

Shawn gave me a look. "She's gonna be busy tonight. She wants to be busy tonight."

We stared at each other for a while. My stomach was flipping for reasons unrelated to illness. My boyfriend had stupidly kind, gentle intentions, and stupidly pretty eyes. He also had a very comfy bed.

I sighed. "Fine."

~

After some tea and rest, I felt a little better. I felt good enough to hop into bed with my boyfriend for about twenty minutes. It was fine until he was on top of me...

"Fuck, I'm sorry," Shawn frantically said, moving off of me. "Oh god, I'm so sorry."

My face was scrunched with pain, and I tried to control my breathing. The soreness from earlier turned into a sharp pain in my abdomen that made me push Shawn away from me. It was kind of a mood killer to say the least, since it made him panic.

"Are you okay?" he asked, voice trembling. "How bad is it? What do you need?"

"Shh!" It wasn't intended to sound mean, but I was trying to focus on what my body was doing.

I struggled to sit up, so Shawn held my lower back to support me. He kept asking questions, but I was rapidly tuning him out. The pain didn't get any better or worse, but I was feeling something in my guts. I got up and dashed into the bathroom.

We're going to get just a little TMI. I wanted use the bathroom, but my bowels weren't having it. Then, I wanted to puke but my stomach wasn't having it. I didn't know what to do, so I just stayed on the floor in front of the toilet and let my body try to figure things out for itself.

I shouldn't have had popcorn at the movies. Sure, popcorn is light on the stomach, but Stella wanted extra butter, and I hadn’t eaten for hours. I knew what I was getting myself into, and now I was paying for it. Add popcorn to the list of foods that were now forever tainted with a bad memory.

Shawn came knocking on the door, his voice full of concern. "Honey, are you okay? Can I come in?"

I didn’t say anything but he let himself in anyway. He sat next to me on the floor, next to where I was leaning over the toilet. Delicately, he moved my hair from my face and held it back.

"I don't think I'm gonna puke," I told him, resting my forehead on the seat. My mouth was watering inexplicably, and I felt a tingle in my feet.

"Okay, then let's get you back to bed," he said gently, placing his hands on my waist to help me up.

Then, I actually puked. Yup, no more popcorn for me.

~

It goes without saying that I was up for most of the night. I only threw up that one time, but I felt nauseous until the sun peeked through the window. Not only that, I always got a bout of anxiety whenever things with my stomach got bad, and it intensified knowing that I wasn’t home at my dorm. I wasn’t in the comfort of my squeaky single size bed. I didn’t have my phone charging next to me here because the only other outlet was on the other side of the room. I felt so out of place and I wanted to run, but I knew I couldn’t because traveling would only upset my stomach more.

Shawn fell asleep when I reassured him that I wouldn’t spend anymore time in the bathroom. He was on his side facing me practically the whole night. When I felt okay enough to lay down, I put one of the extra pillows between us and faced away from him. He started stirring by the time I was finally sleepy.

When I woke up in the late afternoon, I was just grateful I didn’t have class on Fridays. I couldn’t get up even if I wanted to.

I rolled onto my back, only to find that I was alone. I rubbed my eyes, then quickly remembered that I fell asleep with smudged eyeliner, and I just made it worse. I sighed and looked out the window from where I lied. It had gotten cloudy throughout the day. Thank god, today was not a sunshine kinda day for me.

If only I had the energy to get off my ass and go back home where I wanted to be.

My eyes blankly stared at the ceiling. Whatever spirit I had left in me was slowly floating away. My incorporeal being was rising out of my physical being, until voices outside the bedroom caused me to come back to earth.

“Oh, let me just see her! Maybe I can help!”

A woman. I slowly moved onto my side, curling up under the blanket and trying to focus on the window. Then, I heard Shawn’s voice.

“No! Ah - I mean…” He was suddenly outside the door. “Let me see if she’s awake.”

Shit.

The door opened, but I didn’t move from my position. Shawn came up in my peripherals, and then he sat down on the empty side of the bed. His eyes met mine, and he smiled.

“Hey, you. How ya feeling?”

I blinked. “Tired… Not sick. Just tired.”

“As long as you’re not sick.” He brought a hand up to my head and stroked my hair. “Listen, my mom is here.”

“Why?” Seemingly innocent question, but it did make me feel some kinda way, and it certainly sounded like it.

“She comes every so often,” Shawn explained. “She’ll clean and do my laundry.”

Must be nice.

“I told her you were here,” he continued. “I told her you were sick, and she just wants to check on you.”

We had talked about me meeting his family. I joked about wearing a high ponytail with a pink scrunchie the way Meredith did in Grey’s Anatomy. Shawn replied by saying I’d be wearing a black scrunchie, duh. Clearly, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, the day after a particularly nasty flare up. I was severely unprepared and it was a couple of months too early. But how the hell am I supposed to turn his mother away when she was already here?

“I’ll go out there,” I told him. “Let me just wash my face first.”

Shawn looked pleasantly surprised. “Okay, great. We’ll be in the living room.” He kissed my forehead and got to his feet.

As I pushed myself out of bed, I noticed the persisting pain in my abdomen yet again. Not as bad as last night, but it was still there. I already knew how to handle this.