#(( she loses so much of her nerve the second shes emotionally invested

[ravenouswreckage]

(( Miranda's so funny to me because she's SUCH a mean dom and so specifically and solely a dom, except for a very, very small number of people who she trusts enough to even act slightly subby for them.

As in, this is a step beyond even her trusting someone else with her life. This is so dearly serious to her and she is so scared for someone to sense weakness in her that she just cannot conceive of possibly not defaulting to dom-mode unless she would follow her partner to the end of the world and back.

[razorblade180]

The Real You pt6

[Warning, Parts 1-5 are really old. So their quality is eh...]

Love sucks, that’s the feeling our emotionally wrecked trio was having anyways. Each of them sat quietly while looking at an empty cake tray and devoured bowls of ice cream. They must’ve scarfed down enough sweets to make even Ruby sick, yet not even their slightly upset stomach could compare to the pain in their chest. Love sucked, but here they were, wishing for a way to grab a hold of it with both hands.

Yang sat on her couch all alone and stared at Jaune, who laid on her floor. His eyes fixated on the never ending weeping of the heavens outside. A fitting mood really. Yang still felt like letting her tears flow just a little bit. She couldn’t believe that she got cheated on, again. Technically this would be the first time but the series of events and feelings were scarily familiar to what happened with her partner that it was hard not to draw certain comparisons.

Jaune finally noticed her gaze and stared back. He could tell just from one look how much she was trying to keep herself together for everyone’s sake. He had no doubt that he had truly broken Yang’s heart and that in return made him feel utterly sick beyond belief. How could he do something so awful, sleeping with Neo? The feelings towards the girl in question only made it worse. It was one thing to give your body to someone else that you weren’t dating, but it was far worse when you were also emotionally invested. Jaune couldn’t bear to see the look of sorrow on her face. He’d turn away but Jaune Arc would not run from his mistakes. His lack of judgement got him into this so he would take all forms of punishment to show how much he ached from his decision. Yang Xiao Long deserved better.

Neo sat at the table, watching them both. The girl methodically fiddled with her empty spoon as she tried to deal with her guilt. Why was being a good person so hard? It wasn’t a foreign concept, not completely. Treat others the way you wanted to be treated, don’t let negative thoughts decide your actions, use your talents to better the world; Neo wasn’t sure that last one was possible. The girl pursued a man she loved for selfish reasons, knowing good will those moments of bliss would rot and decay in no time at all, poisoning the very person she wanted to impress.

“You’d think after all those sweets, the three of us would be on any sort of high right now?” Neo said, her head resting on her arms. She didn’t care what response they’d give her. Any words were better than silence. She knew that better than anyone. “Where do we go from here?”

“Dunno.” Yang said, “I can barely keep my own thoughts in order.”

“Share em. No use holding anything in, especially against me. I’ll take the punches, physically or verbally.”

“Okay then. I hate this, this...ache. I hate how much hurting you both are putting me through to the point I wanna scream.” Yang’s nails dug into the cushion beneath her. “Worst part of all? I hate how scared I am. It feels like I’m only a few more events away from living in this apartment with no one but my sister and possibly Weiss to visit me; when they aren’t too busy being in love. Just like…”

The blonde bruiser’s eyes shut tight. Tears managed to escape and her lip quivered fiercely. Seconds passed by before she opened her eyes and looked at her boyfriend. Was he still her boyfriend? She guessed that was to be determined later. Only one thing was at the forefront of her wary mind.

“I want to still be with you Jaune, I do. But for the life of me I can’t think of a way to even begin to go through this. Apologizing doesn’t cut it. Punishing or making some kind of deal with Neo to leave doesn’t fix anything either. I’m so furious but I hate the fact that letting you go is the last thing I want.” Yang clenched her chest tightly. It felt as if everything was pulling her apart and trying to keep her together all at once. “I love you so please, end this yourself.”

Jaune’s eyes widened in shock. “What?”

“You came over here so I can chew you out and break up right? Well if you want this to officially end then you’ll have to do it yourself because I’m dumb enough to still want you.”

“You aren’t dumb.” Neo spoke up, “And I’m the last person to be talking about being fair or discussing hypocrisy, but it’s close minded to think making Jaune shoulder that choice isn’t a form of punishment. Even a blind person could easily see that he loves you too; more than anything. More than anyone.”

It hurt but it was the truth. If it came down to it, Jaune would pick Yang in any situation and Neo would be left out to dry. His feelings for the petite girl are true, but that didn’t matter as long as he had Yang. Not that she could blame him.

“Honestly, I’m jealous of you Yang. Not just because you’re good, but because you are what I want to be. Maybe that’s why I could do what I did so easily? I was tired of feeling beneath you, the girl I wish I could be.”

Neo stood up from the table and looked at Yang’s tired red face before looking at Jaune and shaking her head. “Sorry, for wrecking what you have. We both know I’m terrible for you. If I could make a good guy like you cheat on someone like her then I’m clearly bad.”

“I’m not as good as you think. I would’ve pushed you away if I was.” Jaune sighed. This was going nowhere, fast. They were all about to keep looping this cycle of hating themselves. “Stop treating me like I’m perfect, I’m not.”

“Never said you were, it’s obvious to see though I’m making cracks in your demeanor that weren’t there before. Since I’ve already gone this far when it comes to being a shitty person, no reason for me to start considering the requests both of you have. I’m gonna do what I want, leave.”

Yang let out a groan of irritation. “Neo-”

“You have no intention to stop loving him so what other option could there possibly be? Correct me if I’m wrong but you’re not the type to share, are you?” It was faint but Neo was sure Yang could hear it, the little plea that had escaped in her voice. Neo would love nothing more than to be wrong right now. She wasn’t entirely sure of Yang’s past relationship but it had obviously done a number on the girl.

Yang could hear that twinge of hope in Neo’s voice. She could even see the twinkle in her eye. Neo was practically begging for a life line, a reason to believe that she didn’t have to commit to her claim of walking away. Sadly, Yang could only stare, and Jaune knew exactly why such a question was risky to ask.

“Sorry, I can’t say that I am. That situation is...it burned me before.” Yang said, resisting the painful memories that tried to surface.

Neo’s face went pale. Well, that was it. Her final possible tether to the life and person she wanted to be with, severed in no time flat. She did her best to sound indifferent about it.

“Oh, I see. I...wasn’t aware that there were some rough patches in that subject. Then I guess… I guess there’s nothing left to do. Jaune…”

“Neo…” He knew better than to try to change her mind or make this tougher than it already was. He didn’t have an answer for all three of them after all. It would’ve been selfish and inconsiderate to speak as if he did. Even saying goodbye felt way too...inappropriate, in a way.

Neo put on the fakest smile both Jaune and Yang had ever seen in their life. “Thanks for believing in me, both of you. Even though I flopped the moment I tried to change. It was nice, having someone take the chance anyways.”

With her feelings in the open, Neo turned towards the door and grabbed the knob. Her hand stayed on that knob, her fingers refusing to grab it as her entire body trembled. She knew they could hear her sniffle. Neo knew that she was taking entirely too long, but even with nothing left to say, leaving felt so painful. She took one final breath and then found the will to step out of the apartment, the sound of her footsteps sprinting the moment the door closed behind her.

Yang found no joy in seeing her leave, only more ache. She turned to Jaune who was still staring at the door, his eyes filled with a new kind of sorrow.

“If you’re wondering what things would’ve been like if I had been the one to pick, I would’ve chosen you. Don’t think for a second I’d willingly walk out of your life.” Jaune said, tearing up. “Even so, I would’ve felt terrible leaving Neo’s life. This might sound a little egotistical, but I can’t see her bouncing back from this. Not alone. Not without us.”

“Us?”

“I may have given her the dream of changing, but you were clearly the goal post.”

“Don’t put that on me.” Yang said weakly, “What would’ve happened if she did change? She would still love you, and I would still be worried about losing you.”

Jaune bit his bottom lip out of anxiety. Of course none of them were able to find a solution, they all had baggage and walls that they tried their best not to hit. Jaune was wary, but that might’ve been the problem. Neo never pulled her punches and this day had already been the absolute worst, so why not keep pushing? That’s the thing about baggage, you gotta unpack it eventually. Jaune only wished that it wouldn’t come back to bite him.

“I’m not Blake…”

Yang’s head jolted up. Jaune didn’t need to look at her to know Yang was staring at him with scarlet eyes that felt like they were burning a whole into the side of his face.

“Don’t say her name.”

“Why? It’s not like you haven’t been thinking about what happened with her this entire time. Yang you won’t lose m-”

“YOU DON’T THINK SHE DIDN’T SAY THE SAME THING!?” Yang said, screaming as she stood up in frustrated anger. Jaune had struck a nerve he knew was still very much was like an open wound. He finally looked at the girl, she had his undivided attention.

“You don’t believe that she didn’t reassure me that I had nothing to worry about!? That’s how it starts. They ease your fears, tell you that things are mutual, that feelings are equal; that’s not how that works! No matter how much attention she gave me, it was obvious her mind was on Sun. The looks, the talk, the stories, so I do what anybody would do and confront her about it. We talked and we talked and we talked and we talked until finally I believed that things could work out. Sharing wouldn’t be so hard if everyone really is on the same page right? All three people give the same amount they gain right!? Well that’s not how it works!!! It felt like I was fighting to find a reason to even be around them. Slowly but surely, a wall was being built but bringing up the dynamic again after so many discussions just got so…I was tired Jaune. Her words felt so rehearsed, so lifeless. Up until we have one more discussion because I just don’t think we’ve gotten it right yet. That’s when her words sounded true. When she looked at me and said ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and I knew instantly I was out of the picture. Blake had chose Sun over me a long time ago, I was just stupid enough to ignore the signs! So tell me Jaune, how the hell would this end up any different!? How could you look at me and say you won’t need me around anymore!?”

Yang’s chest rose up and down heavily as she tried to breathe. She refused to be slowly pushed out again, to have her feelings subtly get abandoned for another. She watched Jaune stare at her, his face expression giving off nothing but sorrow, or was it pity?

“Well!?” Yang sniffled, “Say something for fucks sake!”

Jaune walked closer to her. Close enough reach out and wipe the numerous tears that riddled her face. “Because my love for you isn’t fragile.”

He said nothing else. Jaune left her speechless for a moment while he walked towards the door and opened it, scaring her a little.

“Jaune what are-”

“I think a little space right now to think about today is needed. I need that space, but I will come back. Don’t ever doubt that.” Jaune opened the door. “I messed up today, I know that. But don’t you ever doubt my love for you. I swear it never runs low.”

Yang said nothing. She simply watched him close the door. The girl fell back onto her couch, she had to be minutes away from vomiting. Jaune was right about one thing, she did need some space from this situation. As well as some perspective. Yang dialed her scroll and practically begged for her sister to pick up. Thankfully, she did.

“Hey sis, what’s going on?” The cheerfulness of Ruby’s voice felt like the one sunlight on this gray day.

“Hey Ruby. Y..You free to talk?”

“Always, what’s up? You sound stuffy.”

“Oh you know…Jaune cheated on me today.”

Part 5

[jaskierswolf]

You Set My Heart Ablaze Pt.12/25

TW: Fire!! (Only took 12 chapters to get there), and Geralt has a panic attack in the shower.

Previous

_____________

Half-term was chaotic.

Geralt would have preferred to have gotten the time off work so he could spend the week with Ciri but unfortunately the shift rota just didn’t work out this time. This meant he was already grumpy before his shifts even started. He hated leaving Ciri behind. Coën was thankfully grateful for the extra money that the hours round Geralt’s house gave him. Geralt had managed to at least get two days off during the week and he’d promised to take Ciri ice skating. He hadn’t tried ice skating since he was a child but he hoped that it was like riding a bicycle. She’d pouted at him with her big shining green eyes and he’d been helpless to say no.

He just had to make it through the day first. His stomach rumbled as he watched his leftovers spin round and round in the microwave. He’d made pasta bake with Ciri on Sunday evening and the leftovers were his lunch until his next day off, which was, thankfully, tomorrow.

Lambert had been called out to assist the police at a road traffic accident whilst Geralt and Renfri had just gotten back from house call in Lower Posada and it was already long past his usual lunchtime. The call hadn’t really needed both of them in attendance but the owner of the house hadn’t been confident to put out their small kitchen fire by themselves so had rung the fire service. Eskel had had a few false calls, which was really just a waste of everyone’s time. The on-call team, the griffins this week, had been called in to help the wolves on their various missions. They’d just been too spread out the last couple of days and Geralt was exhausted.

“Ger-Bear!” Renfri called as the alarms began to ring in the fire station. “We’re up! Stop slacking.”

He cursed and stopped the microwave. It looked like he was skipping lunch today, again.

He grabbed his jacket and they all jumped into gear. They were down the pole and in the fire engine in record time. Geralt turned the keys in the ignition as Eskel slipped into the seat beside him. They keyed in the postcode into the GPS and Geralt hit the siren and the lights.

“What have we got?” Geralt asked Renfri as he navigated the traffic of Upper Posada.

Renfri looked through the notes on her phone. “House fire in a block of flats. Cause of the fire is currently unknown but it managed to spread to the corridor before it was noticed by one of the residents returning home.”

“Fuck.” Geralt cursed. “What happened to the fire alarms?”

“Believed to be faulty. The alarms only went off when the fire reached outside of the flat.” Renfri continued. “Owner of the the flat where we think the fire started was also out at the time, he returned whilst the reporting resident was on the phone. However, we aren’t sure how many residents are still in the building. Vesemir has called Lambert so he’ll be joining us as soon as he’s finished with the RTC in Gulet.”

“Shit.” Geralt groaned. Fires in apartment buildings could be devastating if they weren’t caught early. The potential number of casualties were a lot higher than your average household. “Eskel, can you contact the landlord, get a list of everyone in the building?”

“On it.” Eskel grunted and started to flick through their list of contacts until he found the right number.

Whilst he was on the phone the fire engine’s radio crackled to life.

“Shrike.” Vesemir called.

“Here.” Renfri nodded as they turned into the right road. Geralt grimaced as he saw the plumes of smoke rising from the building.

“Call me once you’re at the scene. I have information for you.” Vesemir ordered.

“Will do, boss.”

Geralt parked the truck in the road and turned the sirens off, leaving the lights on to alert passing traffic. The police was already at scene trying to control the crowd, they must have had a patrol in the area. They leapt into action the moment the engine had pulled to a stop. The smoke was already heavy in the air and the smell of burning plastic hit the back of his throat. Geralt grimaced as he quickly assessed the situation. Judging by the smoke billowing from the window, the fire was on the third floor and hadn’t spread yet to the other floors, but it was only a matter of time and they had to act fast.

“Geralt!” Renfri called, the urgency in her voice startled him. “Vesemir. He didn’t want me to tell you this but… He had another call.”

“Spit it out, Renfri!” Geralt growled as she hesitated.

“Geralt… Jaskier’s up there!”

Geralt felt his knees almost buckle underneath and he had to grab onto the fire engine to keep himself standing.

Jaskier.

“Why didn’t he evacuate with the others?!” Geralt yelled at Renfri.

“I don’t know!!” Renfri yelled back. “We’re wasting time!”

Geralt snarled and pulled on the rest of his protective gear so that he could go into the building. Renfri tried to protest, saying he was emotionally compromised but he ignored her. Jaskier was somewhere in that growing cloud of smoke.

He had to save him.

Whatever the cost.

“Focus on the fire. I’m getting him out, and call any griffins that aren’t on other jobs. There may be others.” He growled. “Did Vesemir say what floor?”

“Fifth. Flat 5D.”

“Thanks.”

He took a deep breath before heading into the blaze, ignoring Renfri’s protests behind him. He ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He almost ran straight past the third floor in his rush to get to Jaskier. He skidded to a halt and cursed before turning back.

The third floor was the priority. He had to check for residents nearest the fire first. If he didn’t and there were casualties then it would be on him. Their deaths would be his responsibility.

“Fuck!” He yelled into the ever growing heat. Every step he spent on the third floor was torture. His soul was pulling him to the fifth floor but he couldn’t lose his cool. He needed to remain professional. Renfri was right. He was compromised. “Damn it, Jaskier.” He snarled.

He located the cause of the fire in one of the flats as he navigated the flames. The structure of the building growing more unstable by the second. The oven was completely charred and there was no saving the rest of the flat but thankfully it was empty, just like the reports had said. He quickly radioed Eskel to confirm the cause of the fire before moving to safer ground. He yelled out as he check the rest of the floor as quickly as he could. Once he was certain it was clear he sprinted up the final sets of stairs.

“Jaskier!!” He called loudly. The sound of burning was quieter on the fifth floor but he could still feel the heat from the floor below. He squinted through the smoke at the numbers on the doors until he found 5D.

He kicked through the door. He winced as he felt the shock of the impact shudder up his leg. “JASKIER!” He called again.

“Geralt?” Jaskier’s voice was uncharacteristically weak. “I’m in here!”

Geralt snarled. ‘In here’ was not a useful description but he tried his best to locate the teacher. The living room was full of instrument cases and there was a small grand piano tucked into the corner of the lounge. Geralt swallowed. He really hoped they could tame the blaze before the fire tore apart Jaskier’s home. He’d be devastated if he lost his instruments but there was no way Geralt could get them out in time. He shook his head and moved into the bathroom. “Jaskier?” He found him…

In the bath…

Naked.

“Jaskier!” He fell to his knees in front of the tub. “What happened? Are you hurt?”

“My ankle. The alarm went off and I slipped. I couldn’t move, Geralt.” Jaskier was visibly shaken and pale in the bright lights of the bathroom. Geralt tried not to look where he really shouldn’t but he needed to make sure his friend wasn’t badly hurt. There were no obvious burns which was good and so far there wasn’t much smoke in this part of the building. Hopefully it was just his ankle.

“I couldn’t move.” Jaskier repeated more quietly.

Geralt looked around. Ideally he didn’t want to pick Jaskier up with nothing to cover him but clothes were not a priority. He was hoping Jaskier had a dressing gown or something nearby that he could grab. If not a towel would have to do.

“Luckily I had my phone next to the bath. You can’t hear the music over the sound of water if it’s too far away so I had my phone on the laundry basket. I should probably invest in some speakers but then it did save my life so maybe I won’t.” Jaskier was speaking at a hundred miles an hour now Geralt had arrived. “I did try and call you first but then you didn’t pick up and I realised you must be at work so I called the emergency number instead. Weirdly not my most embarrassing phone call. ‘Hello I’m stuck in my bathtub and the building is on fire. Oh and I’m naked as a new born baby.’”

“Jaskier!” Geralt snapped, breaking off the man’s train of thought and desperately trying not to look as Jaskier drew his attention, once again, to his nakedness. “Do you have a dressing gown or anything?” Geralt asked, the mask muffled his voice but Jaskier managed to hear him clear enough.

Jaskier, the fool, laughed. “On my bedroom floor. This was a lot sexier in my dreams.” He whined.

“You’re delirious.” Geralt grumbled as he moved into the bedroom. “Must be smoke inhalation.”

“No really. You’d fly through the window like in the movies and carry me down the ladder.” Jaskier sighed wistfully. “It’s fucking terrifying in real life. More of a nightmare.”

Geralt found the robe and threw it into the bathroom. “Put that on and I’ll help you out.”

“You were wearing less clothes in my dreams.” Jaskier continued to ramble and Geralt realised it was probably the nerves blocking his usual filter. Whilst Geralt wasn’t a stranger to Jaskier’s flirting, the teacher usually took more care to keep their interactions on the other side of the professional line, a more light flirting that could easily be dismissed as banter between friends should someone, such as the headmaster, care to examine their growing relationship more closely. “Strangely I normally start with more clothes.”

“Hmm.” Geralt sighed and looked around the small flat impatiently.

“Of course… by the end of the dream…” Jaskier trailed off.

“Are you done?” Geralt pushed the door back open.

Jaskier was leaning against the wall, hopping unstably on his good ankle. The dressing gown was fluffy and covered in yellow flowers, and Geralt just wanted to wrap the man up in his arms.

He paused.

Jaskier couldn’t walk.

Geralt was allowed to wrap him up in his arms.

He grinned, thankful that he delight was hidden behind his helmet and mask, and scooped Jaskier up into his arms and over his shoulder.

Jaskier squeaked indignantly but didn’t resist.

“At least buy me a drink first!” He protested.

Geralt rolled his eyes. “I’ll buy you one after once we get out of here.”

Jaskier laughed. “Is that a promise, dearest?”

Geralt needed to get them out of here, and quickly. The fire was no longer the most dangerous thing in the building. If Jaskier didn’t shut up soon, Geralt’s heart was going to burst from his chest.

“If we survive.” He grumbled mostly to himself.

Geralt carried Jaskier to the window, flinging it open with only a little difficulty. He managed to radio Eskel to confirm that he’d found the teacher. Eskel radioed back to confirm receipt of the message and the ladder on top of the fire truck was already moving towards them.

Really Geralt should have entered the building through the window to start with but he would be the first to admit that he hadn’t exactly been thinking clearly. He wondered if that was how Vesemir had felt all those years ago when Geralt had been trapped in his bedroom by the burning embers of his house. Jaskier was still wittering away over his shoulder but he didn’t put the man down. The weight on his shoulder was a comforting one. He’d managed to rescue Jaskier. That was all the mattered.

Eskel’s voice crackled in his ear to confirm the rest of the residents had thankfully managed to evacuate without a problem.

Of course it would be Jaskier that was the problem.

By the time the reached the street both Lambert and the griffins had arrived on the scene. Lambert, Renfri and a handful of the on call fighters were spraying gallons of water into the smoking windows to douse the flames. Eskel was supervising the operation, since Geralt had dived straight into flames, and liaising with the other emergency services that now crowded outside the burning building.

Geralt dumped Jaskier into the waiting ambulance and pulled off his helmet. He looked down at his friend, searching his face for any obvious injuries or signs of trauma.

“Jaskier.” He voice cracked now the adrenaline of walking through fire had begun to crash out of his system. “Fuck.” He closed his eyes.

He opened them when he felt Jaskier’s hand on his cheek. “I’m ok, Geralt.”

Geralt wanted to say so many things.

Like how fucking worried he was.

Like how he had wanted to tear the building apart just to find him.

Like how he’d felt like his heart was shattering when he pictured Jaskier’s dead body trapped under burning debris.

He couldn’t say any of that. The words just stuck in his throat as he was shooed away by the paramedics. He growled at them and headed back over to join Eskel.

The blond fireman was seething.

“What the fuck were you thinking, Geralt?” Eskel shoved a clipboard into his chest.

Geralt groaned and turned away.

“Years of training. Over a decade of experience, and you almost throw it all away in a heartbeat!” Eskel continued. “You’re lucky Vesemir isn’t here.”

“Oh really!” Geralt spun back around and snapped at his friend. “Because you are doing a damned good impression of him.”

“You just charged headfirst into a burning building without following any of our standard safety procedures!” Eskel yelled back.

“He was in danger!”

Eskel rubbed his face and groaned. “That’s our job, Geralt. Every single day!”

“I know!” Geralt sighed. “I know.” He repeated more quietly.

“Why?”

“Because I—”

Geralt cut himself off with a snarl.

“He’s my friend.”

“Go home, Geralt.” Eskel sighed. “You can’t work like this. You’ll put us all at risk. Go home and come back Friday with your head screwed on right.”

Geralt shook his head. “Vesemir.”

“I’ll cover for you. Go.”

Geralt glanced back over to Jaskier but the paramedics were still fussing over him. He sighed and decided it would be best to give him some space. Maybe he could text him after dinner just to make sure he was alright. He had just had a traumatic experience after all.

“Fine.” He grumbled and sauntered over to the fire engine to get his stuff.

They were too far out from his flat and he’d have to call a taxi. He groaned when he realised he would have to explain to Ciri why he was home early. She’d go ballistic when she heard about Jaskier. He was sure that they news would get back to the school eventually. That place was like a cesspit of rumours. Nothing happened in Posada without all the teachers knowing and more often of not the kids found out too.

He glanced down at his clothes. He was still wearing his uniform and he stank like smoke but his normal clothes were still back at the station. He really didn’t want to go back to the station. He couldn’t face Vesemir’s disappointment.

“Ah fuck!”

The taxi ride was an uncomfortable affair but there was the promise of a hot shower on the other side so he kept quiet and endured.

Coën was surprised to see him when he slunk into the kitchen. Coën and Ciri been sparring in the small living room with long tube balloons, and Ciri had what looked like blood red lipstick streaked across her cheeks as warpaint.

She screamed excitably when she saw him and ran to give him a hug. He picked her up easily and buried his face in her long hair.

“Ewww!” She squealed. “Dad you stink!”

He hummed in agreement. He really did need a shower, the smell of smoke was driving him mad.

“Everything alright, Mr Rivia?” Coën asked, looking concerned.

He nodded. “Yeah. Rough day. Can you watch her whilst I have a shower?”

“Sure thing.”

“I still need to save the princess from the evil sorcerer!” Ciri grinned.

Geralt forced a laugh for his daughter. “Is that what this is for?” He smudged the lipstick on her cheek.

“Dad!” She whined. “Yes! It’s to help me get through the wards.”

Geralt furrowed his brow. “The wards?”

“That the sorcerer put up to keep the princess prisoner!” Ciri rolled her eyes as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Geralt raised his eyebrows at Coën who just shrugged. “Where did you get the… paint?”

Ciri grinned. “Coën!”

“Ummm. Yeah. That’s mine.” Coën shuffled awkwardly.

Geralt was a little surprised but just nodded. “Nice colour. I’ll be right back, little lion cub.”

The water burned against his skin as he rested his forehead against the cool tiles in the bathroom. He mind was still reeling from the day. How did it all go wrong so fast? He closed his eyes and he was back in the building. The scent of burning hung thick in the air. The flames flickered at the debris and bits of glass cracked under his feet. He couldn’t breathe.

There was too much smoke.

And his chest was on fire.

His knees buckled underneath him and only just managed to catch himself from falling in the bath.

He cursed and spun the tap towards cold.

The jet thundering down on the top of head turned to ice and his muscles shuddered at the sudden change of temperature.

He finished off quickly under the icy water and got dressed. Coën and Ciri were still dancing around the living room playing their make believe game. He watched them from the doorway for a few minutes with a soft smile before she noticed him and leapt forward to attack with her wooden sword that had now replaced the balloon. He noticed her green balloon was lying in tatters on the sofa.

His stomach rumbled and Ciri laughed. “You have a monster in your stomach!”

“How about a takeaway?” He asked sheepishly.

“Pizza?”

He nodded. “Is there any other kind?”

Ciri ordered a pepperoni pizza and Geralt went for a meat feast. They had invited Coën to stay for dinner but the teenager declined the offer. Geralt didn’t blame him. Coën had spent most of his half term around their house to look after Ciri. He was probably desperate to go and meet his own friends.

There were cuddled up together on the sofa munching on pizza and watching one of Ciri’s favourite cartoons when Geralt’s phone rang.

He scowled as he pulled the device from his pocket, assuming it was going to be Vesemir yelling at him for leaving half way through his shift or blatantly ignoring all their training in order to save Jaskier.

But it wasn’t Vesemir.

It was Jaskier.

He hit the accept call button and shuffled off Ciri to go to the kitchen.

“Oh hello!” Jaskier stammered on the other end of the line. “Wasn’t sure whether you would pick up.”

He hummed, unsure on how to reply. They didn’t talk very often on the phone, preferring to communicate via email or the odd text. It stopped the friendship from seeming like… more. He rang Jaskier if he was struggling to find the right words or occasionally Jaskier would ring him if he was busy cooking dinner or composing something new on one of his many instruments.

“I hoped you would.” Jaskier continued. “I… I wanted to say thank you.”

“It’s my job.” He frowned. He always felt uncomfortable when people thanked him for doing his job. What was he supposed to do? Not do his job and let them die?

“True. That’s true.” Jaskier admitted. “Well, you should thank me more often then. Quite frankly I do a remarkable job in teaching Ciri’s class.”

Geralt laughed. “And you’re so modest about it too.”

Jaskier’s melodic laughter joined his on the other end of the line. “Naturally! Did you know I go to sign language classes every weekend on top of what we learn during the week?”

Geralt tilted his head. “No. You never mentioned that.”

“It’s important and really I’m disappointed in myself for not learning sooner.” Jaskier sighed.

“You can’t please everyone, Jask.” He growled.

Jaskier audibly gasped. “You take that back! I can! It’s my party trick.”

Geralt shook his head with a smile and rolled his eyes at his friend. “How’s your ankle?”

“Fucking sore!” The teacher whined. “Not broken though, just sprained. The real casualty was my dignity.”

Geralt snorted.

“Is there any chance we can just forget everything I said in my flat?” Jaskier asked.

“Hmm…” Geralt paused, pretending to think about it. “Not everything.”

“Bollocks!” Jaskier groaned. “Come on, Geralt, please!”

“Nope.”

“Who do I have to kill to make it go away?” Jaskier moaned.

Geralt smirked. “No killing.”

“Awww” Jaskier whined and Geralt could picture his pout easily. “But Geralt!”

“How are you a teacher?”

“Charm, good looks and a dash of smouldering personality.” Jaskier laughed.

Ciri started yelling at him about his food going cold and he sighed.

“Ciri?” Jaskier asked sadly.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll leave you to it.”

They was few seconds of silence between them as they were both reluctant to say goodbye.

“Jask?”

“Yes, dear?” Jaskier asked, hope brightening up his voice and Geralt’s heart skipped a beat at the term of endearment.

“About that drink?”

Jaskier groaned. “Freya help me.” He breathed quietly on the other end of the line. “Geralt, darling. I told you to forget what I said!”

“Friends have drinks.” Geralt added quickly.

There was a beat of silence. “Friends do have drinks.” Jaskier considered.

“Dad!!” Ciri tugged at his arm. She had tomato sauce smeared around her face from her pizza. “Who are you talking to? You’re missing the show!”

“I’m missing the show.” He repeated to Jaskier before calling back to Ciri. “I’m coming, princess.”

“What show?” Jaskier giggled.

Geralt peered back at the television and groaned as he saw Twilight bloody Sparkle dancing around on the box.

“Nothing important.” He grumbled.

“Oh ho ho!” Jaskier cackled. “Now you have to tell me!”

Geralt considered his options. He was running out of time to talk to Jaskier without Ciri working out he was on the phone to her teacher. He didn’t have an excuse this time now they’d sorted out the band nonsense. Ciri would start to worry that Geralt was talking to Jaskier behind her back and something was wrong at school. He could easily just hang up and save himself the embarrassment.

Only, he knew Jaskier enough to know that it wasn’t going to go away simply by hanging up the phone.

Once Jaskier had his claws in something he never let go, unless he got distracted along the way.

“Dad! Come on!” Ciri pouted, a pout that could rival Jaskier’s.

“One minute.” Geralt reassured her before speaking back into the phone. “I’ll tell you over that drink.”

Jaskier stammered incoherently over the phone for a few seconds, making Geralt laugh. “Geralt! You cannot say things like that without warning me first!”

“Your poor bisexual heart?” Geralt rolled his eyes.

“Oh you think you’re so funny don’t you!” Jaskier huffed.

“I’m hilarious.”

“Fuck off.” Jaskier grumbled. “But fine. Over drinks, stubborn ass.”

The line went dead saving either of them from having to say goodbye.

He huffed a laugh and went back to sit with Ciri.

He curled back into his side as he finished off his pizza, and if he got a little too invested in the Ponies’ latest adventure then no one else needed to know. He had thought Ciri had fallen asleep by the time he switched the tv off but she whined and shuffled around next to him, looking up at him with those big green eyes, Pavetta’s eyes.

“Dad?”

“Yes, princess?”

She rubbed sleep from her eyes and scrunched up her nose. “What’s bisexual?”

He frowned as he tried to work out the best way to explain it without getting too complicated.

“You know how your grandmother and grandfather loved each other?” He started.

“Yeah.”

“And your mum and dad did too?”

Ciri scowled. “Grandma said they did. I don’t really remember.”

Fuck.

“Sorry, Princess.” He pulled her into a hug and stroked her head. “Well, that was both mums and dads loving each other right?”

“Yeah, but Kayleigh has two dads!” She added.

“Right.” Geralt nodded. “Well, sometimes a person falls in love with another person regardless of gender.” A simplified version, not entirely accurate. For some people it wasn’t about love at all. “Like me.” He added.

“You’re bisexual?” Ciri asked.

Geralt nodded, he didn’t really label his sexuality but he guess it would fit if it helped her understand for now. It was better than outing Jaskier without his consent. If Ciri didn’t already know the term that meant her teacher was uncharacteristically secretive about his sexuality around his class. “You know I used to date your Auntie Yen?” Ciri nodded. “Well one day I might decide to date a guy.”

“Would you date Mr Jaskier?” Ciri asked innocently.

Geralt ignored the ache in his chest and shook his head. “I can’t date your teacher, Cub.”

“What if he wasn’t my teacher?”

“Time for bed.” Geralt grumbled.

“Just because I’m asking questions you don’t like!” Ciri yelled.

Geralt sighed. “It’s just… it’s complicated, Ciri. I can’t answer that one just yet. Can you trust me on that?”

Ciri put her hands on her hips and frowned. “Fine.”

“Thanks.” Geralt ruffled her hair and picked her up to carry her upstairs. “I’ll read you the next chapter of your book if you want?”

“Ok.” She agreed. “But I’m still mad at you.”

“I know.” He sighed.

He wondered when she had become so perceptive. She was growing up fast and he’d not even been her father for a year yet. He’d never expected that watching her growing up would be so terrifying. One day soon he wouldn’t be able to pick her up like this anymore. She buried her face in his neck as he held her tighter.

______

Next

[localkatshelter]

Okame’s Underbelly: Intoxication |2nd|

(ShinsoxOC)

Katsumi's POV (localvillageidiot#0870) and Shinso's POV (hecker#8339)

Warning: Contains toxic relationships, heartbreak, quirk misuse, and alcohol consumption

Preview:

| Fuck, it’s actually over. The grave reality hit me in the face like a brick. I felt an unfamiliar emotion painfully swell in my chest. It terrified me. So, I did what I knew how to do best: avoid, avoid, avoid. I reached into the bag and pulled out a bottle of soju. I twisted off the cap and began downing it; I didn’t even notice the bitter taste. It didn’t take me long before I was ready for the second bottle. My head was    empty. |

1st Chapter - Anticipation

(Katsumi’s POV)

Performances had been going on for a little while. I had shifted my position in my chair a couple of times to get comfortable and finally settled on sitting cross legged with my knees resting on the plush arms. Holding my, now lukewarm, tea in both hands, I inhaled as I took a sip. The minty aroma cleared the fog in my head a bit from the heavy summer air that was being moved around by the slow ceiling fans scattered across the room. I did my best to politely listen to the people on stage as they went through their pieces, but really only one in every five people were any good. I looked at my phone to check the time. There was about 20 more minutes until Okame’s usual time slot. As a particularly boring piece was being performed, I heard some shuffling to my right. Curious and in need of something a bit more stimulating, my eyes wandered towards the sound. Not wanting them to notice my staring, I kept my eyes low towards the ground. I saw a pair of large black chelsea boots stop two chairs away from me. Their owner sat down rather slowly and as my eyes moved up the distressed denim pant leg I caught a glimpse of their hands tensely gripping the arms of the chair as they lowered themselves down. I couldn’t help but stare at those hands as they fidgeted with the loose strands of the cloth chair. The chipped nail polish certainly wasn’t intentional, but the aesthetic fit oddly well with the haphazard chunky rings that adorned their long, rough looking fingers. Am I weird for thinking hands are attractive...?

 Afraid that I would make accidental eye contact but now fully invested in analyzing this random stranger, I adjusted my angle in my chair, so I could easily peek to the side and see the stranger fully. Now that I could get a full look, I could tell for sure that the person sitting nearby was a guy around my age. I watched as he shifted in his seat to take off the black jacket he wore. He set it in his lap and tugged at the seams. I continued my observation. Oh he has an eyebrow piercing too? That’s kind of cute. His whole vibe is a bit Edgelord for me but he pulls it off. My eyes trailed back to his hands, which hadn’t stopped fidgeting. I followed them as he raised them to run his fingers through his hair. The color of it is what struck me first, it was so unique. The shade of purple really suited his pallet. But what the fuck is with that style? Is that on purpose? Is bed head a new trend? Well, I guess it doesn’t look terrible on him... Satisfied with my full analysis and slowly losing interest, I turned my attention to the next performer, who was at least a bit better than the few prior, but still not great. I checked the time again and got a bit excited since it was almost time for Okame to perform. In the meantime, I decided to entertain myself by making up little stories about Mr. Edgelord to pass the time.

I checked my phone casually to see the time. Oh, it’s almost time!  I straightened up in my seat to make sure I could see the stage well. It seemed like the whole room did the same, any side conversations that had been going on suddenly lulled and faded out. The entire room’s focus shifted to the empty stage at the front. We waited in collective anticipation for Okame’s ghost performer to walk up on stage. I peaked around the room for the familiar looking girl but to my surprise, one of the staff members walked onto stage instead. People turned towards each other and began murmuring in confusion. The staff member tapped into the mic to refocus everyone’s attention. 

“Good evening, everyone. The Squeaky Wheelhouse has an announcement to make. As many of you know, typically around this time our resident performer, Okame, has their ghost performer read their work. Unfortunately, Okame has informed us that they will be going on hiatus starting tonight. We are very sorry to see them go but we wish them well and hope they will come back whenever they are ready. With that being said, lets move right into our next performance.” 

The room remained silent for a moment as the announcement sunk in. Then all at once, chairs began to scrape against the floor as people got up to leave. Wow, I had no idea that this many people came specifically for Okame. Among those that got up was Mr. Edgelord. Huh, never would have pegged him for an Okame stan. I wonder what his deal is? When did he become a fan? I’ve never noticed him before. I was pulled out of my thoughts by a gruff, low voice speaking to me. I looked up to see Edgelord standing next to me.

“Excuse me.”

I pulled my legs in to make room for him to pass by, not saying anything. He looks super disappointed. I really can't remember ever seeing him here before. How weird. I looked around to see a noticeable amount of people had left already. I feel bad for the rest of the performers. I should stay for at least a little bit longer. I don't have anything better to do anyway and no one is waiting on me back at the dorms. Despite my best intentions, I could only make it through about another 20 or 30 minutes of performances before I decided that I didn't have to punish myself anymore with tonight’s below-average open mic entries. I gathered my things together and put them into my bag. I headed outside to start my walk back home. As I went to pop my headphones in, my quirk started to pick up an immense amount of sadness coming from someone to my left. I looked over and saw Edgelord hunched over on a bus bench with his head in his hands. Before I knew what I was doing, my quirk was dragging my body in his direction. I gently sat down next to him and reached out to tap his shoulder.

(Shinso’s POV)

If I’m being honest, I barely paid attention to the other performers. I knew I was being rude,  but I couldn’t help myself from impulsively checking for my ghost performer as it was getting closer and closer to the time slot. She liked to keep me on edge so I’m sure she was waiting for the last second to show up.  I heard snaps followed by the crowd hushing as the last performer before “Okame” left the platform. I stared at the stage intently but to my bewilderment, one of the staff members walked on instead.  “.... Unfortunately, Okame has informed us that they will be going on hiatus starting tonight…”  I didn’t hear the rest of what he said after that, his words just became a drone. She didn’t even show up.  After the staff member finished up the announcement he left the stage. My mind was blank, as the empty spotlight burned into my brain. I felt my body lift itself from the chair abruptly. Before I could process what I was doing, I was already making my way out of the place. To my relief, other people followed behind me so I didn’t stand out too much. I brushed past a few people, and luckily my auto-pilot still had some manners to excuse myself. 

My thoughts were racing as my heartbeat pounded in my ears. Fuck this, I’m going home. I swiftly beelined straight to the bus stop near the Wheelhouse. The soju bottles clinked together as I dropped down on the bench. I impatiently dug in my pocket for the pack of cigarettes I was trying to stretch for the week. I’ve cut down significantly and planned to eliminate it from my life completely. Right now is not the time to think about that. It’s actually the perfect fucking time to whip one out.  I put the cigarette between my lips and lit it with a shaky hand. I took one deep drag, the familiar static sensation coating my tongue and throat. If I wasn’t fuming, it might have actually felt soothing. She has some nerves not showing up after fucking around on me. What the fuck does she have to be mad about? 

We were laying together on the couch, catching up on the most recent episode of a show we both enjoyed. We had just finished laughing at the comic relief after an emotionally dense scene, when I saw her phone screen turn on in the corner of my eye. My eyes habitually followed the light to where her phone was plugged in next to me. The unnamed preview message read Are you still with him? I’ll be in the area tonight. I froze. I took in a deep uneven breath before slowly turning  to her.

 “What is this?” I rasped, as I held the phone to face her. 

She looked over and her expression shifted unpleasantly before she attempted to grab the phone from my hand, which I reflexively dodged.  She knew better than to answer my question. I rarely ever used my quirk on her, because it always managed to exacerbate the situation so it wasn’t worth it. If she’s already avoiding my questions, then this must be bad news. 

“Unlock your phone.” I demanded firmly.

 “No, Shinso.” she sighed. “You always let your paranoia get the best of you. Just stop. Don’t ruin tonight. We can always fight about something stupid another day.” 

Her dismissive demeanor irked me to no end. 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I borderline growled.

 “Leave me alone!” She spat back at me before her face went blank. 

Got her.  

“Unlock your phone.” I repeated steadily. 

She took the phone with a slack grip and entered her password.

 “Give the phone to me.” 

The more I scrolled through the thread of text messages, the more betrayed I felt. I was too devastated to be angry, but I was far from numb. The intense influx of emotions caused me to unknowingly release her mind from my control. I finally realized, when I heard soft choked sobs coming from her. When my eyes returned to her, she looked completely defeated, but I could not bring myself to sympathize with her. I tossed her phone on the couch before getting up and snatching my keys off the table.

 “Shinso, stop! Please wait!” she cried as she tugged my arm towards her. 

“For what?” I retorted sharply. “Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t need to get more evidence to know that we’re over.” I yanked my arm from her grip. 

She said nothing.  I pushed through the door without looking back.

After reliving the memory, I slowly came back to the present. I flicked the now cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it.  Any sane person would wonder why I still wanted to be with her. The truth is, I’m a big fat hypocrite. I’ve done my fair share of bullshit in the relationship. Granted, I never cheated, but still, it’s not my place to get on my high horse. We’ve gone through so much together, and honestly, I can’t imagine what it would be like to not be with her anymore. And now...it’s actually over. Fuck, it’s actually over. The grave reality hit me in the face like a brick. I felt an unfamiliar emotion painfully swell in my chest. It terrified me. So, I did what I knew how to do best: avoid, avoid, avoid. I reached into the bag and pulled out a bottle of soju. I twisted off the cap and began downing it; I didn’t even notice the bitter taste. It didn’t take me long before I was ready for the second bottle. My head was empty.

I stopped keeping track of how much I had consumed. All I knew was that the bus was taking fucking forever. Despite it being cold out, my chest was warm due to the alcohol. I could barely sense that nameless feeling in there anymore. My head was fuzzy, a little too fuzzy now. Is this the third or fourth bottle?  Before I could contemplate the answer, the horizon began tilting before my lowered eyes. I rested the weight of my upper body on my knees and hung my heavy head low, hoping this dizziness would soon pass. 

[a-big-apple]

still screaming about She-Ra

Taking a diversion from my SU obsession to yell about She-Ra for a minute. Loooong ramble about Adora and Catra under the cut.

I love the ways Adora and Catra’s emotional arcs play against each other. They come from the same background, essentially; child soldiers, raised in something like a cult, mistreated but in different ways. 

Adora feels a need to protect, to take responsibility, and has been told her entire life that she’s expected to do great things. The expectations on her, the preferential treatment, they’ve primed her to take on her heroic role as She-Ra and taught her to always put the greater good ahead of her own basic needs. It doesn’t matter if she wants a simpler life, if she wants friendship, if she wants to be loved. Her entire self-worth is based on what she can do, not who she is as a person. She takes on strength and power and responsibility, she learns, she grows, but she's never even stopped to think about whether she wants it, or what she might want instead. It’s a coming out story, of a kind--Adora’s so deeply invested in herself as the hero that she doesn’t even know the closet exists, let alone that she could step outside of it. 

Catra has a coming out journey too, but it’s completely different. Her childhood teaches her that she has no inherent worth; she has to fight so hard and from such incredible disadvantage that she doesn’t have the energy to spare for anyone else. She learns to do whatever it takes to get ahead, clawing for what she sees Adora being freely given--support, encouragement, trust. She doesn’t feel the expectation that so damages Adora, because nobody expects anything of her; she has to prove her value every second of every day, and can’t ever let that guard down. When Adora leaves her she can’t make sense of it, of why Adora wants to protect other people, because it’s a struggle just to protect herself. To Catra, it’s a simple betrayal. There’s no greater good, there’s only a bond, a promise, and Adora breaking it. 

So she throws herself into deeper and deeper waters, trying to get what she thinks she wants, and finds that when she gets it, she doesn’t like it after all. Her self-worth is, like Adora, based entirely on what she can do. So to make herself valuable, she has to learn to stand on her own. She’s only known anger and fear from the people who raised her, so she dishes it out to anyone else who gets too close; she craves connection on a base level, and every time she can’t get it or it’s taken away, it cements the idea that she’s worthless as a person.

She’s in so deep, and has come so emotionally low, that she chooses to destroy the world. Her battle with Adora goes from an abstract game of winning and losing to deeply personal, intense antagonism--Adora’s not playing anymore, and the little voice inside Catra that said Adora wouldn’t hurt her, wouldn’t actually hate her, is silenced. Any solid footing Catra had is gone. Then the people she’s allowed even a little bit close start calling her out; Scorpia, then Double Trouble with devastating incisiveness. At the end of season four she’s so tired of the fight that there’s a moment where she’s ready to die. 

When we start season five, the danger is more real and her position is more unstable than it has ever been before. Everything familiar is gone; Catra tries to survive the way she always has, but she’s got nothing to hold on to and she’s emotionally a raw nerve. The only constant is Adora, representing all the paths not taken, out there being a hero; Adora, who Catra wishes was with her when she’s at her most alone, who can make the struggle easier, who has over and over again extended a hand that Catra’s been too afraid to take. Prime can see right through her, and he lets her know it; she can’t hide her emotions beneath angry bluster anymore. When Glimmer asks her to do one good thing, she does exactly the sort of thing Adora would do--she sacrifices herself for the good of others. For the good of the only person who matters, in Catra’s world. She breaks herself open with an apology, because she’s already put herself in incredible physical danger and there’s nothing left to lose.

Adora coming for her, rescuing her from the jaws of a situation she’s lost control over, is the tipping point. Catra has literally been altered; her mind invaded, her hair cut off. She undergoes a dramatic reset between the way she always lived and the life Adora promises when she begs her to fight through Prime’s control. Adora is Good, and she cares about Catra; maybe that means Catra is worth something. She still tries to protect her heart, but it’s impossible to resist Adora when she’s right there. Catra tries to make herself useful, and finds that her usefulness is appreciated but isn’t a requirement. She makes an effort to be a healthier person, and her efforts are rewarded. She starts to accept herself, and allows herself to want, to connect.

Catra’s coming out is a slow process; Adora’s is a brick to the face. She’s never had the luxury of considering what she wants for herself--but when she’s asked, she knows what it is. The people she loves most, as close by her as they can be. She reclaims her own power, reclaims She-Ra without anyone else controlling or directing her, and she puts Glimmer’s wings on her feet, Bow’s heart on her chest, Catra’s mask on her own head. She’s admitted it--she’s showing it. Catra has been in her heart all along. Doing the right thing is more painful than ever, because here’s Catra advocating for her, furiously loving her; trying to deny how much Adora suddenly wants her is messing with her head. 

Adora and Catra both have to accept what the show has been telling us all along: that they have a bond, and they want fight to strengthen it instead of letting it be torn apart. They have to be whole people, not heroes or villains, but people who know and value themselves, who can accept love and have enough strength to give love back.

To save the universe, they both must choose to stay.

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

hi!! after watching TF i got a Supernatural Dean and Sam vibe from Will and Benny, Will is like Dean and Benny is sam. It mentioned their dad in the movie and icouldn't help imagine him being a military dad, which is how they both got into this job. and Wills line of "I've been supporting him since the day he was born” about benny just reminded me of dean taking care of sam. could u write a fic about Will and bennys childhood and how you think it could have gone with a military dad away a lot! x

Soooo a couple of things 1) i’ve never made it past the third season supernatural and that was years ago so I hope the vibe is still what you wanted :) and 2) I was mainly working from other people’s experience with having a parent or both parents in the army and being in the army in the US is probably a bit different from being in the army in Germany buuuut I still enjoyed this snippet and I hope you do too! :) 

Growing up with their dad in the military (Ben Miller and William Miller, hc)

Both of the Miller boys grow up on strength, physically and emotionally, their parents keen on teaching the boys values and morales that are important to them. 

Their mother, an endless source of love, would always patch up their knees, dry their tears and help them with their homework. She’s the heart of the household, both of the boys inheriting her warmth and care. This is what she taught them, that there is strength in forgiveness and kindness and that every creature on this earth is deserving of love. It is important for her that her sons learn respect and honesty with one another, fairness and to be stronger than what the world might throw at them. 

He’s cracking jokes on Sundays where they are meant to be on their way to church yet they’re late again so they end up at a pancake place because there really is no point in going now. He’s morning runs, the brothers chasing after him until they get tired halfway through and he has to carry them back to the house, getting his own little workout in like that. 

The boys see their parents being in love, dancing around the kitchen, stealing kisses while cooking and even though they are children and that stuff is gross for them the imagine on what a relationship should look like gets imprinted into their minds.

Both of the boys grow up with at least one daily task to fulfill. It is their fathers way of teaching them responsibility and patience and care.

 William and Ben being in charge of the chickens in the backyard seemed like an excellent choice for that. they are in charge of feeding them and taking them out of the gutter and making sure the way to the enclosure is free and available ben learned to take responsibility the hard way, when he forgot to lock the gates one night and the chicken ran away in the cold, never to be seen again. His father, showing little emotions for that other than disappointment just shrugs and tells him to be more careful next time if he wants to avoid that from happening again. 

To the outside world his way of raising the boys may seem a bit extreme, even cold at times but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Their dad is still caring and incredibly invested in the boys, so much that he wants to do everything that they grow up string minded and healthy and independent, thats all that he wants from life and if that’s the way to get them to learn than so be it. most of this comes from his own father, having the family having a long line of history of vets and soldiers. it is a sense of belonging that he walkways felt when talking to his dad and he wants to pass that down to his own sons. and though they are grateful for the many lessons they’ve learned as children, little kids really can’t comprehend the situation as they grow up and are still young, let alone understand the intentions that go with actions.

It gets harder every time their father has to leave again. The boys don’t understand. It’s confusion the first time and some tears, they are trying to be brave and grown up then. The next time there are a lot more tears, more confusion, yelling and clinging until they reach a point where it’s silent tears and not even wanting to hug their dad and say goodbye. This is even worse than the yelling. 

It’s after one too times his father tells him he has to leave the next week, again, that William runs into the office, where his dad stores his belongings and the medals of his dad and pictures taken while he was in service, and pushes everything off the shelves before storming out the house. He doesn’t necessarily smashes anything as much as he just wants it all to be gone, leading to nothing being broken in the end but the gesture defiantly getting across. His dad finds William out on the front porch, the little guy waiting for him to come and confront him about his actions. Part of Will wants to stand tall and take whatever his dad has to say to him with pride and part of him is just utterly scared of the reaction he’s about to receive, anxiously awaiting the yelling his dad must’ve prepared. It leaves him with his chin up but his eyes watering and his lower lip quivering. When his dad just sighs and sits down Will’s nerves start to get the best of him and he breaks down crying because that’s the reaction he had prepared and now that there’s no outburst from his dad he’s completely confused into what he’s supposed to feel. His father can’t even be mad, it is such a clear and big signal from William to act out like that, he has to force down a chuckle. „You’re a brave guy, William Miller.“ His son is still sobbing and while he stops to take in a shaky breath Papa Miller opens one of his arms, not being able to see his son hurt by something he caused. „You need a hug, tough guy?“

William, even though being the older one, has a hard time dealing with the absence of his dad and missing him a lot more than he can handle. There are endless nights spent crying and getting terribly homesick, even though he is home. He grew up knowing what it was like to have a dad around and whenever his dad is gone, he can feel him missing. 

His obsession with numbers started then, counting the days his dad was gone, how many times he has to sleep before he gets to see him. It’s a desperate attempt to make the situation more bearable for him and it barely works.

Benny at the same time grew up seeing his dad from time to time. He’s used to the stories instead of memories and saying goodbye constantly before seeing him again some weeks later. He doesn’t remember his first couple of years as much as Will does, when his dad used to be gone for months at times. His world was much simpler, his questions could be answered with wonders and his mother telling him about how brave his dad is, fighting to come home because he loves his family so much. For Benny, his dad is a hero. Until he is not.

Puberty is hitting him like a ton of bricks and while his brother grew up with a lot of feelings, Benny suddenly gets a lot more input than he can handle. He feels everything, all the time and he truly doesn’t know how to deal with that. His dad being absent only feeds into his confusion, leaving Benny unsatisfied if he is home and missing him when he’s gone. He’s picking fights then, with his mom, his brother and most often his dad when he is actually home. Doors slamming, yelling and heavy footsteps on the stairs are common in those years and Benny loses the connection to his father for quite some time.

With Benny trying to sort himself out, William feels like he’s going through puberty a second time. They’ve moved a couple times by now and while Will comforts himself with books (they wont leave him and he can take them anywhere with him) Ben has gotten in with the wrong kind of people just one too many times. He’s out at night more than he can count, his mother not getting through to him and his brother only finding the wrong words. They’re at each others throats more and more, underestimating their own strength and forgetting that if they hit each other now it can become real dangerous real quick. 

It’s one night where Ben is coming home late. He’s drunk and trying to sneak in, actually bumping into every corner on his way through the house. He doesn’t even make it up the stairs as his brother, woken up by the crashing, comes down to help him. Hushed words lead to snarls lead to yelling, feelings that have been pushed down for too long explode. „What do you think dad would say if he were here? He would beat your ass to next christmas!“ „I don’t care about fucking dad! He can fuck off and die whatever shithole he’s stuck in now!“ They use words that cut deep and it doesn’t take long for them to roll around the hallway, fists hammering and hands closing around each other throats. Neither of them hear their mother shout, desperate for her sons to stop. She screams, she cries, she throws plates to the ground but they don’t hear her so she brings out the gun and fires a warning shot into the ceiling. Now they stop, startled and she sends them to bed before breaking down in the living room, a hole in the ceiling being the literal sign for something terribly going wrong right now. Their father comes home a few weeks later, both boys not interested in seeing him. William, who initially wasn’t even mad, actually understands his brother because he too, feels left behind. The last image their dad has of them is when they were 8 and they have matured a lot by that now. There’s no hug this time, the ceiling being fixed long before the boys learn to deal with their feelings and it takes an even longer time to forgive their dad, because after all it is their dad and they do care for him very much.

It’s a special kind of bond the Miller brothers share between them, their trust grown over years spending together and the thought about one leaving the other actually scaring them. Both of them like to know their loved ones safe and sound, a lot of their caring coming from the time that they didn’t know if their dad was alright. Ben and Will join the military at the same time, both beaming with pride and confidence. This is what they both wanted ever since thinking about their future, side by side and even though William struggles to come to terms with the thought that his baby brother might get hurt, he couldn’t imagine his service without him.

The day they get sworn in is probably the proudest day for the whole family. Their father is beaming with pride looking at his sons and both of them feel like they might explode.

There’s a lot they still haven’t talked about. The past is not an easy thing to untangle and feelings don’t go away like that, Ben and Will slowly understanding their father more and more as they experience violence and war and grief in the same way he did. Now they are the ones who get to see their parents from time to time, the tables being turned in a way they always suspected to happen but not being prepared for the way it actually is. 

It certainly helps to have a father who’ve experienced this kind of mental strain before and who knows what its like to go to war and then come back home. A lot of the adjusting with life back home they actually turned to their father to, family dinners often revolving around their stories and experiences and sometimes just quiet pats on the shoulders, as no words are needed to understand the struggle each one is going through. Not every action can be excused but they are older now and old scars are sometimes just that, old scars.

[legendsmag]

A COMPLETE RUN DOWN OF THE 2020 LEGENDS AWARDS PERFORMANCES

WINNIE KANE

Winnie Kane opened the evening with a double performance of “Lose You To Love Me” and her latest single, “Look At Her Now”. She started off a little shaky but that’s to be expected with a less experienced performer, especially on one of the biggest stages there is today. Visually she looked incredible. The black and white filter was a really nice touch. There were some timing issues, some pitch issues and I kept waiting for her to shake off the nerves, hoping that maybe something more high energy would help as she moved into “Look At Her Now”, it didn’t. Her dancing needs work, vocals need work, pretty much all of it needed several more days of rehearsal.

OLIVIA MARIE

The pick up in energy did take place once Olivia Marie took the stage to perform “Cool For The Summer” (very fittingly). She looked amazing, badass and much of that was reflected in her vocal delivery. The change of scenery was welcomed, she delivered her performance from the streets of LA, where the crowd seemed even more enthusiastic and loud. It was sexy, steamy and technically sound. This is how you deliver a performance.

RYDER TOMASI

The sole hip hop-rap performance of the night, Ryder Tomasi sings about “Stoner Girl” while clearly being inebriated himself. However it didn’t really distract from his performance. He did well for what it was, there wasn’t much expectation of anything better so Ryder did what hes known to do. Overall a fine performance. 

BELINDA BLANCHARD

Belinda Blanchard sings about how “California Gurls” are unforgettable while delivering one of the most forgettable performances of the night. Belinda, who is quite pregnant, pranced around in a metallic mini dress while doing half assed choreography with a set of backup dancers. You can tell her voice has some assistance, which isn’t uncommon during a performance, but it just made her sound fake and unenthusiastic. Not much else to say. She can do better, hopefully. 

MAXWELL HARPER-BENNETT

Maxwell Harper-Bennet never fails to be a crowd pleaser, even with a more mid tempo song like “Lights Up” he really gives his all on that stage. With very little production, mostly just him, a mic and a band backing him, he manages to shine and keep everyone invested in his performance. His little dance during the vocal break was very Max and you can tell that he honestly loves being on that stage. The audience backed him up on his last chorus continuing to prove he's a fan favorite. 

RYAN PRICE

Ryan Price mellowed things out with his performance of “Heart Out”, contrary to that of Max before him, but it works. His vocals were where they needed to be and he seemed to be having a good time up there, which clearly translated to the audience who joined in on the fun. Less spectacle, more music and it worked.

CALLAN DUFFY & MAIA KARIM

This performance was simply a beauty. Callan Duffy and Maia Karim are a duo that seemingly came out of nowhere but it works perfectly in the fact that it’s really a showcase of what happens when you bring two great talents together. Their voices blend so beautifully with one another, and Maia in a different stripped down setting was truly a sight to see. They suckered in the entire audience with this one, had everyone in the palm of their hands.

CHLOE ZUICQ & CARTER BLUE

Chloe Zuicq and Carter Blue were up next with a somewhat forgettable performance of their song “One Kiss”. Visually it looked really cool. The colors and stage production were lovely and, vocally, Chloe was near perfection but it just seemed rather low energy given the song they chose. It’s supposed to be a dance track yet Chloe, who we know is a great dancer, just kinda stood there swaying back and forth. Carter may have saved this performance just by live mixing it but honestly it was a bit of a low point in the show. Neither really put their all into it and it showed.  

QUINTON HARPER

Quinton Harper can sing! Vocally this was a huge stand out moment for the show. It wasn’t the radio version of the song everyone was expecting but honestly, this was way better. He did the entire first verse with minimal backup, proving to any of his haters that he really is that talented. Even when the band and backing vocals kicked in you couldn’t help but feel the passion Quinton brought with flawless vocal execution and the dance break on the rising platform was spectacular. 

LYNN SAWYER

The sole country performance of the night delivered by Lynn Sawyer did not disappoint. Her voice was on fire from start to end. Not shying away from the country roots and highlighting the banjo was a bold move, but that’s exactly what this entire performance was. Lynn brough the fire and owned that stage in a way no other performer that night had done. This performance felt straight out of a broadway show with it’s theatrical delivery and it was perfect. The choir was a delightful touch and really filled everything out beautifully. The lighting was stellar as well. The representation of country music was important and who better to deliver it?

ROMAN

It’s been a while since we’ve seen Roman deliver a performance, and it fit nicely into the program following Lynn’s fire. He kept things simple, but it was the unique nature of his voice that won over audiences. It’d have been nice if there was a little more energy kicked into him, but his voice emoted the song, “Take Me To Church” perfectly. The performance would have benefitted from some sort of spark or change of pace, but it served its purpose. The band sounded amazing, and that was what mattered here.

PENNY LANE

Penny Lane was next to take the stage and boy was this a performance you did not want to miss. She is simply THAT performer. We got the two sides of Lane we love and adore and the first side came through the flawlessly belted out “Imagine”, the title track of her latest album. It was clear she felt this one, and the feeling bled through to her vocal. She looked beautiful and the accompanying orchestra was a beautiful compliment to not only her voice but to the aesthetic of her performance. This part was short and sweet as she quickly dove into the classic “Favorite Things” as a transition into her most recent hit single “7 Rings” This triggered a loud audience reaction in addition to a costume and set change. Now we got the second side of Lane we love… the bad bitch. Featuring probably the best choreography of the night, this 7 Rings rendition was on point, featuring an impressive split moment to be remembered. She closed off with the final bridge and chorus of “Thank You, Next” which was delivered emotionally yet triumphantly as a grand finish.

KYLIE BLUE

I mean, really. Did anyone think that Kylie Blue would be anything other than mind blowing? From her wardrobe, to the stage, the features she included in her performance, to the choreography, it was everything you could want in a performance and then some. She kept the energy up with “You Need To Calm Down” a fitting choice given it being Pride month, however, it was her premiere of her new song “Lover” that stole the show. After a very quick wardrobe change, Kylie walked downstairs to the applause of the audience and delivered what could arguably be one of her best performances to date. Between showing Kylie the camera flashed around the audience highlighting some of the couples including a very sweet moment between Olivia Marie and Maxwell Harper-Bennett slow dancing but it was very clear Kylie only had eyes for one man as her attention kept being drawn back to sing lovingly to Callan Duffy (was that a tear, Callan?). Vocally she was flawless, proving once again that she can sing her heart out and we can already tell that this will be a fan favorite track off her upcoming album. 

YOUNGBLOOD

Youngblood, about to take off on tour, stood as the sole band to perform and, as always, did not fail to deliver. Levi’s vocals were on point, Zeus didn’t miss a single moment, Saint pulled double duty with piano and later on in the song bass and Benjy showed why he’s one of the best drummers in the game by not only keeping the rhythm steady but also providing major backing vocals with near flawless delivery. However it seemed like the chemistry was slightly off? The boys typically play off each other a lot more and this performance felt like four separate guys playing their roles but not really vibing? Hopefully it was just an off day. Maybe they were just a little tired from all the tour prep? 

ESSENCE WOODS

Closing out the show, Essence delivers a keen to the ear rendition of “Summertime Sadness” a song that has quickly taken the world by storm. There’s not much to the performance, just vocals and Essence taking up all of the attention but that’s pretty typical of an Essence Woods performance. There’s a wish for the show going out with a bigger bang performance wise, especially following up some of the nights earlier grandiose showcases, but the name Essence Woods is a pretty big thing in itself. She managed to keep the audience entertained however, as this served as one of her more vocally charged performances. It was also very beautiful to see the quartet of violinists accompanying the piano is a simple sonic setup that elevated the sound quality of the performance. The final chorus felt like a climax and a good send off to the show. Though we wish she had gone a little bigger, the performance was good on a bill of great showings.

-

The Best: Quinton Harper definitely leaves tonight the golden boy despite only taking home one trophy. His performance is the one moment of the show people will be talking about for years to come. He proved his star status and talent.

The Worst: Belinda Blanchard/Winnie Kane both ladies could’ve given us much more here or much less and we would’ve been better satisfied. Both rookie performers here so the hiccups are expected.

[movieswithkevin27]

Only the Brave

Joseph Kosinski's Only the Brave is a tearjerker of the highest order, in its telling of the story of the Granite Mountain Hot Shots. A team of firefighters who fought fires head-on across the nation but were based in Prescott, Arizona, the all but one of the men in the group were killed in the Yarnell Hill Fire of 2013. Building up to this eventual tragedy, Kosinski's greatest achievement in this film is firmly established long before the men ever report to Yarnell Hill. Through the nearly two hours before this fire, Only the Brave pain-stakingly develops the men as individuals in their private lives and on the job. Though this film is about a tragedy and contains many scenes of firefighting action where the men are able to return home, Only the Brave is a film about these men in life and a celebration of who they were, instead of a film about this disaster. In essence, it is a story of the men and the wives/girlfriends/parents/children/siblings impacted by this tragedy, which allows Only the Brave to be an achingly human and powerful viewing experience.

From the very beginning, Kosinski begins to signal that this is not a typical "based on a true life tragedy" film. Typically, these films include a brief scene of family followed by some brief bonding before jumping right into the tragedy. Kosinski, instead, takes a unique approach with nearly two hours of family, friendship, and the forging of a bond through fighting fires, before finally reaching that somber day. In the course of this, he introduces us to men such as Eric Marsh (Josh Brolin) and his wife Amanda (Jennifer Connelly). Many character building scenes are devoted solely to Amanda, showing her as a horse loving woman who rehabilitates ones that are neglected and teaches others how to care for horses properly. We see young Brendan McDonough (Miles Teller) do drugs, get arrested, and kicked out of his mother's home, only to learn he is about to become a father. We see Brendan join the group of firefighters, forge a friendship with Chris MacKenzie (Taylor Kitsch) and care for his daughter. In quiet moments, we see the men goof around, make fun of one another, and act like the young men that they are in their private lives. We see them fight fires with great success, even sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon watching the dying embers of the fire they just fought off pour over into the canyon itself. While much of the focus is on Eric and Brendan to be sure, this is a film about the brotherhood between the firefighters and the people they will eventually leave behind as much as it is one about fighting fires.

Never skimming through this character development and consistently taking the time to establish even the most peripheral of characters into enjoyable and recognizable presences in the film, Kosinski manages to make Only the Brave into a celebration of these men as they lived, not how they died. By the time the tragedy happens, these men feel as though they have become part of our own families and our hearts, making the tragedy all the more impactful and emotionally resonant. This is a film that builds great pathos, relatability, and depth in its characters that allows this film to work not just as an action or tragedy film, but as a fully-fledged drama with well-rounded characters across the board, protagonists you identify with and root for, and wife characters who are not just there as background noise instead strong, developed characters in their own right. In having watched many action films - let alone ones based on true stories - Only the Brave stands as one of the rare entries that values every single person it puts on the screen. It treats each with respect and care, capturing the essence of every single person mentioned and allowing the audience to understand who they really were, both in action and in the quiet times.

While the film's strong writing certainly helps to bring light to the real men behind these characters, it is often the film's acting that lifts the film up. As superintendent Eric Marsh, Josh Brolin shines in one of his best performances in recent memory. As we see him express doubt over his life, uncertainty about having a kid, and whether or not he wants be a family man or a firefighter, Brolin transforms into Marsh with all of his emotion, authenticity, and inner conflicts. The bond between Miles Teller's Brendan and Taylor Kitsch's Chris is palpable with the two becoming these two men who, after having so much animosity between them at the beginning, became like twin brothers. In traversing the life of the recovering addict Brendan McDonough, the new fatherhood, and the eventual survivor's guilt he experiences, Teller similarly delivers one of his best performances in a truly moving performance. Delivering lines with great feeling and emotion, Teller similarly becomes Brendan. As Eric's wife, Jennifer Connelly is similarly excellent, capturing the emotion felt by this woman as she fought for her husband to choose her over firefighting and eventually how she copes with his loss. As a character-driven work, it is imperative that Only the Brave has great acting and it has performances of the highest order that will likely be overlooked by the time Awards season comes around due to the content of the film, but it will be true misfortune when that occurs. These are not actors portraying real people, but rather actor becoming real people and being able to communicate their emotion, beliefs, and personalities, through their every world and interaction.

It is this authenticity that really makes the film so affecting, with Kosinski managing to overcome any predictability or sentimentality not because it is a true story, but with how invested the audience becomes. By making the dialogue so natural, the characters so real (yes they are real, but many non-fiction films still fail to do this), and allowing the audience to feel the pain of their loss in our very core, Kosinski creates a film that truly hits home. By the time we realize these men will truly die - a fact we try to convince ourselves will not actually occur - our heart sinks, our gut wrenches, and our eyes well up. Through allowing us into their lives and minds through such authentic and natural dialogue and writing, Only the Brave becomes a film that is never just a tearjerker or an emotionally manipulative work, but rather one that is authentically emotional and resonates with the audience on a deeply human level.

MILD SPOILERS By the time the Yarnell Hill Fire arrives at the very end of the film's second act, Kosinski handles the moment with such grace that he is able to instill thrills, dread, and poignancy, with relative ease. Building tension and anticipation through the scene as the men fight the fire and experiences multiple miscommunications with air support, the camera places the audience right in the midst of the action and we feel the fire closing in on the men. As Brendan, the looker, gets away, we feel his yearning to be with the other men and the tension of the moment as his escape route is cut off only for his rescuer to arrive just in time (not Hollywoodized either, it actually happened). As we see the other 19 men of the Granite Mountain Hot Shots get surrounded and forced into prone positions under cover, Only the Brave the speed of the fire, the horror of the moment, and odd beauty of watching the fire whip over the covered bodies of these men. Though a long scene, the actual tragedy of the moment occurs rapidly and largely off-screen, instead focusing on Brendan as he listens to radio communication as medics reach the men. A quiet, poignant, and traumatic moment in the film, this climax of the film sneaks up on you in how rapid the fire spreads and entraps these men, showcasing just how dangerous it can be to fight fire and how, no matter what you believe the situation to be, everything can change in an instant. While the entire film builds one's respect for these wildlife hot shot crews, it is this rapid and striking moment in which all of these men are quickly wiped out by this fire that truly demonstrates the power and the horror possessed by these wildfires.

The heart sinking feeling of knowing these men died is truly cemented once the grief is portrayed. With a gut-wrenching scream, Amanda sets the tone for what is to come. The display of anguished anger as Brendan learns of their death on the radio followed by his face of pure guilt and devastation face as a member of a different hot shot group drives him back home further solidifies this feeling. Gathering all of the family members in the local high school, you can feel the tension in the air as these families wait to learn the fate of their loved one. All begging local fire chief Duane (Jeff Bridges) for answers, the wives cling onto one another and their children, desperate to discover if it is true one man survived and who that man is, holding out a sliver of hope it is their loved one. When Brendan walks into the gym, we see the anguish and guilt on Teller's face. The pained reaction shots of the wives tell the story and communicate the emotion. We feel for them, but we feel the gut punch to Brendan as he knows that, as he walks into this room, nobody wants to see him. They all want it to be their loved one and, instead, it is just him who made it out alive. Using a somewhat hazy shot to capture the moment, we feel the disorientation felt by Brendan as he nervously walks into the gym and faces those left behind and then his all-consuming guilt as he rushes out. As Amanda runs out to console him, the audience feels the shared pain between the two, admire Amanda for her selflessness and strength in the face of losing her husband, and completely identify with Brendan's guilt while fearing his possible relapse into drugs. This poignant, powerful, and deeply affecting display of grief, anguish, guilt, anticipation, pain, and nerves, all combine to make the film's third act one that is the cinematic equivalent of a hobbling gut punch, bringing the audience to our knees. Gracefully presented by Kosinski with marvelous emotion and delivery from Connelly and Teller in this moment, Only the Brave makes you feel and live this moment first-hand, which makes it all the more impactful. END SPOILERS

Visually, Only the Brave is quite strong. Repeatedly, Kosinski seems to return to a few shots: overhead and close-up. As the firefighters traverse the terrain, Kosinski repeatedly returns to overhead shots that are terrifically framed, but really show the size of the team moving into the fire and, often times, the devastation they are walking through after a fire has passed by. Close-up shots come repeatedly in the film, particularly on Brolin, Teller, and Connelly's faces. As Eric pours his heart out to Duane about his hesitations in becoming a father, the camera get high-and-tight on Brolin's face, making the scene all the more intimate and personal. The same occurs to Teller throughout, namely in the aforementioned scene of him walking into the gym and the camera focuses in on his reaction to seeing everybody break down at the sight of him. However, perhaps the most powerful use of close-up comes after the tragedy. Showing Amanda riding one of her horses, the camera shows a silhouetted image of four wild horses just over a hill (a gorgeous shot in its own right) before cutting to Connelly's face with a close-up. With a shimmer in her eye from the sun, there is a certain beauty to the shot that is hard to quantify, which demonstrates the power a simple image of a human face can have, especially one that has been through so much in the course of this film. Other shots such as the fire jumping through trees and brush as it races towards a town, the orange-hues of the fire as Teller and Brolin walk through it, and the embers of the fire falling on the men as they successfully fight a fire, are similarly excellent. However, one of the more powerful shots has to be one of Connelly and Teller. Both on their knees as Amanda consoles the heartbroken and guilt-ridden Brendan, the shot is quite dark with the two of them at the center of the frame, embracing with Amanda holding his face to talk to him. It is a powerful image that truly captures the power of the moment in its simplicity and stripped down approach to capturing the moment. Kosinski shoots it as it is with no added pomp or circumstance, which is often undervalued, but it lets the emotion, words, and actors do the talking.

A powerful journey through the lives of the men of the Granite Mountain Hot Shots, Only the Brave is gripping, thrilling, and emotional. It is a film that never becomes manipulative or cloying, rather its dedication to developing its heroes allows the audience to experience authentic emotion and feeling, as we develop a great bond and connection to these men. We root for them, hope against hope they will survive, and our hearts are broken when they die and one of them is left to live survivor's guilt. It is a film that cares about the men and not the action, which is perhaps the greatest compliment a film about a true story of bravery or heroism could be given. Only the Brave is not about the death of these men or even their line of work as hot shots, but rather it is about them. It explores what they liked, who their families were, what they were afraid of, their pasts, and what they hoped the future would bring. The tragedy does not come because they die, but because of what they leave behind, whether it be the memories, the people, or the unfulfilled dreams.

[stickerpaper]

8/6/17 

Two weeks since my last post? It seems like I waited too long, so I’m just going to basically dump everything, no matter how much I end up typing. 

Last week, I got into another car accident. That makes it the third accident I’ve been in over the span of one and a half months. It was totally out of the blue because my family and I were on a family trip and just suddenly got hit by a Jeep. I’m honestly super tired and I actually got sore and slightly hurt from the accident. My back is even shittier than it was before. I’ve also had nightmares, I guess I could call them, about being in car accidents. I’ll panic internally when I think about the noise and force that happened during all the accidents I’ve been in this summer. It actually scares me and I hate it so much. I got over the feeling pretty quickly after the second accident, but the third one is really doing it for me. 

I really wanted to sock Stella after we got hit by the other car. She wasn’t shocked or anything. She just turned to me and said,”I knew this was going to happen, I imagined us getting into a car accident during this trip.” Why would you say that? Just shut the fuck up, okay? No one asked for your fucking psychic future insight bullshit and you’re not helping anyone by saying it out loud, especially me. 

My panicking wasn’t helped when two cars almost hit me just today. One car almost hit me as I was backing up. When I was looking back, there wasn’t any car. The driver of the car was driving fast and came just as I decided that it was safe for me to back out. I felt frustrated because you shouldn’t even drive that fast in a parking lot. Right after I backed out, I was trying to get out of the parking lot and turned left. Another car was entering the parking lot and was driving faster than the last car. And he insisted on keeping that speed even though I was turning. The driver saw me turning before he actually entered the parking lot, so maybe slow down? He almost crashed into the side of my car because of how fast he was going. What is it with people driving so quickly in a parking lot? Yeah, so now I’m paranoid about cars crashing into me. 

Aside from that, I’ve been feeling indifferent. Indifferent in a way where I feel dead and unamused with whatever people are trying to tell me or show me. I mean I’ve always been this way with my parents, but my dad has been getting on my nerves. His little jokes and laughs towards whatever I do that seems funny to him are annoying. I get pissed off whenever he does this. Also I feel the same whenever Stella tries to tell me something that’s annoying. She’s also acquired a new boyfriend and obviously, she’s much faker when she’s talking to him. Her voice goes up another octave whenever she’s on the phone with him. 

Speaking of her boyfriend, I don’t approve of him. He seems like a chill guy, but he’s literally eleven years older than her. And Stella’s not even an adult yet. Creepy much? I don’t think he’s a pedophile or someone of that sort, but wouldn’t you feel weird about dating someone who’s much younger than you? I just don’t feel at ease and it sounds judgmental because I’m basing it off of the age gap. Hell, it even seems hypocritical of me because I would be open to doing things with people who are much older than me. But she’s not an adult yet and this is a guy who’s going to turn thirty in a couple of years. I told her that I was skeptical because of the age gap and told her to be careful, but of course, the stupid fucker she is, she laughed it off and was all “duh” about it. I worry for her a lot because she’s not that bright, even though she thinks she is. She should trust my vibes; they’re almost always right in the end. 

Back to me feeling indifferent. I’m stuck at home, which doesn’t help. And I always feel like I’m always bothering my friends to do something because I’m the first one to ask. Usually, they’re all busy and it makes me upset, even though it shouldn’t. Not everyone is a lonely loser like me. So I’ve been letting myself rot with nonstop punk music and intrusive thoughts. 

I guess one thing that bothers me about it is that I’m the one who tries to start things up to get together. It’d be nice to be invited to something instead. I just look desperate and purposeless. I’m bothering all of my friends with my attempts to socialize with them in person. Ha, I don’t even know why and how I even have friends if they really do enjoy being my friends. 

I’m not even a good friend, not a good person. I’ve been concerned about a friend for some time, although I try not to let it show around them. When they started telling me personal stuff that sounded concerning, I really didn’t know how to respond. I already know I’m really bad with this kind of stuff, but I could have at least voiced my concern a little bit, subtly. But no, I fuck everything up and kept it to myself because I’m afraid of saying something wrong to my friend and having them ignore me for a while. If I turned back time to redo the whole situation, I would probably react the same as I did the first time. I try, but my trying is the worst. 

I feel so indifferent to the point where I don’t really have any hyperfixations like I usually do, especially pertaining to movies and music. I’m not investing my time into things I really love. There’s not really any band that’s my favorite and I’m not gushing about a movie I watched for the first time because I haven’t really watched any in a while. I feel about ready to throw all my art out of the window. The only reason why I listen to music or watch things these days is to fill in the empty spaces that I can’t stand to sit in. I think I’m mentally and emotionally preparing myself to go into a coma or something. 

So when I do actually get to be with my friends physically, I’m awkward and fluctuate a lot between being loud and overly talkative and being quiet and dissociative. They probably noticed it, or maybe they didn’t. The lack of social interaction took a lot more away from me than I’d like to admit, including my personality, jokes, and overall essence. I feel like I’m a different person than I was before summer break started. I’m surprised that I didn’t lose a lot of weight. With the lack of social interaction and of food I consume, it’s really strange that I probably lost muscle mass and replaced that with fat. 

I suddenly feel the need to go through a drastic physical transformation. Let me change into someone who isn’t me. Or sometimes I feel the very weird need to have something tragic happen to me. It should happen to me because I’m the worst person that I could be and I deserve bad things to happen to me. I don’t have much potential in anything really. I’m stupid and stubborn. My mind is really slow; I can’t grasp concepts, directions, and such as quickly as other people can. I can never be anyone’s first choice. I complain too much and feel too strongly about things. I think I’m super tough when I’m really the weakest person I know. God, I can’t even have been born beautiful. I still could be all of this but be gorgeous and I would feel much better about myself. No wonder why my dad hit me and yelled at me for what seemed like nothing to me but everything to him. Who knows, I think I would have abused me too if I was a different person. I don’t really deserve good things because I’m a burden. Or maybe I’m not even a burden, I’m just nothing, just dead weight. 

[thebluesideofthemoon]

The Wall #45: COLLATERAL BEAUTY

Okay, I did say that the Zootopia re-review was going to be next, but this is something I need to get out of the way right now. Yes, I saw this movie, Collateral Beauty, a while back actually - it was the last movie I saw last year (I saw it in vacation), and my family are all big Will Smith fans, and I do love me some Will Smith, so this could have been a real treat, right?

HOOOOOOOO BOY. THIS is a BAD movie. This is the kind of bad movie that becomes legendary by its sheer shittiness.

So this movie’s plot is that Will Smith dealing with the grief of having lost his daughter to a horrible accident and is coping with it by sending these letters to the concepts of Death, Time, and Love, only for those concepts to then become personified and help him deal with his trauma.

Now, I know this sounds like a weepy, kind of corny, melodramatic movie that comes out around this time of year to try to tug at your heartstrings and maybe attempt to nab an Oscar or two. I’m not the biggest fan of these kind of movies because I find they just do nothing but try to be as emotionally manipulative as possible while giving you a cornball script and pretty shallow execution- it only succeeds because the themes in and of themselves are sad, and they only play them with the one note of sadness. This isn’t always the case, as a movie like Son of Saul works wonderfully by giving us far other emotions than just sadness- it also has fear, hope, suspense, it actually gets you to connect with the characters, so it’s not just sad for sake of being sad, there’s a lot more to it that allows it become more than “just another Holocaust movie”.

It may sound like I’m going off on a tangent, but I need to make this clear for a reason- I know these kind of movies exist, but if they don’t have much more going for them there’s no reason for me to see them, but at the very least they have the dignity to know what they are, and get in and get out. I thought this was going to be one of those. I thought I would just say that “yeah, I know some people will find this sort of thing sad, but it’s not for me. 4/10” and that’s where the story would normally end.

… unfortunately, not for this. To give the movie the very little credit it deserves it absolutely surprised me, blindsided me, you could even say it shocked me because it turned out to be absolutely NOT what I was expecting. What this movie DID turn out to be was one of the biggest, most pretentious, absolutely vile, mean-spirited piles of shit I have ever seen in my life.

For one, the plot of the movie that you see in the trailers (as I detailed above) is A BIG LIE! Yes, Will Smith does have to cope with the grief of losing his daughter, but two things: 1. He’s actually not the main character of the movie, it’s actually Edward Norton, Michael Pena, and Kate Winslet, his friends. 2. The plot involves them GASLIGHTING Will Smith. Eeeeeyup. What actually happens is that they all work for an ad agency where Norton and Smith are partner owners, and now that Smith is depressed they’re losing their clients because Ed Norton is pretty useless at dealing with them. So he, and two other co-workers, Pena and Winselt, all form a plan to sell the company under Will Smith’s nose- thanks to an offer they were given to have the company bought out by $17 per share (which is easy to remember when the movie only mentions it a measly twenty or thirty times throughout the movie’s run time)- by making him look crazy by hiring actors to play the abstract concepts of Death, Time, and Love (played by Helen Mirren, Jacob Latimore, and Keira Knightley, respectively) so they can get Will Smith fired. All while these actors all tie into in a “metaphorical way” to these three characters because one of them is dying, one of them has a daughter who hates them, and the other one works too much to the point where they ignore having kids, even though these people are some of the most cruel assholes in New York City history.

That sure does sound like a fun movie, doesn’t it?! Where… the fuck… do I begin?

The story is by far what gets on my nerves the most. For one it’s a movie that it’s basically built on conveniences for 90% of the time; the tension of the movie hinges on nobody, aside from Will Smith, being able to see that these actors are there. So everyone else around them just pretends that these actors aren’t there to keep the illusion that they are visions that Will Smith is seeing to prove that he’s gone crazy. One of the most egregious examples of this happens when we see through a digital camera Will Smith talking with Helen Mirren but she’s somehow removed from the footage even though EVERYONE ELSE AROUND THEM KNEW THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY THERE, because apparently these concepts can decide to interact with other people just because they can. In NEW YORK CITY. Because Will Smith just accepts that these concepts are real, and not once bothers to find out if this is true, even though this is a plan that could have easily backfired. So did these three scumbags also hire everyone else in New York to act as if they can’t see Death, Time, and Love because that would ruin the illusion? No explanation given on that at all! The movie also has two particularly awful twist endings, which I’ll get to once I go through the rest of things wrong with this abomination of a movie.

Not since Movie 43 have I seen so many good actors completely wasted on such awful material. Most of the actors are directed like they were on a middle school play, and this is one of those movies where it was clearly only given the direction of “act sad. No, sadder. No, REALLY sad, because we need to wring out every single piece of emotional manipulation out of this wretched piece of trite”.

Yes, I know that movies by nature are manipulative, but there is a way to have a movie tug at your heartstrings in a genuine way that is earned when the characters and conflict are that well fleshed out and allow you to get invested because you want to see these people succeed- a movie like Anomalisa pulls this off because even though the main character himself isn’t necessarily a completely good person, they flesh out his dilemma so well that you completely understand why he goes through what he does- you can feel the emotions, you can connect with him, you can relate to the situations because they managed to make them feel completely and absolutely real, and when those sort of real emotional situations get pulled off in the way that something like Anomalisa does it, it sticks with you, it weighs on your mind, it makes you feel a rollercoster of emotions and it really hits home!

That doesn’t happen when the main characters are all slimy scumbags who want to screw over their friend majorly (whom, by the way, is apparently depressed enough by his daughter’s death that he pretty much becomes a vegetable, yet still manages to keep himself fed, well-kept- sure he has a bit of grey in his hair, but he’s still WILL SMITH), not really caring about his well-being because they are in actuality really shitty people- not that the movie ever calls them out on it because it’s too busy being really fucking proud of itself on how clever it is, and how much it’s trying to get you to cry. It’s monotonous at best, and it feels really underhanded at worst because it’s a movie that is trying to get a rise out of its audience in the cheapest way possible. It’s the reason why I absolutely despised movies like Home and Remember Me so much because they tried to pull the card of trying to make you feel emotional investment on a movie that doesn’t really warrant it! But at least those movies only did them in bits and pieces, NOT THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE FUCKING THING!

And the dialogue! Oh God, is it terrible! Most of it is either talking about selling this building, it’s really stilted, or it means absolutely fucking nothing. They mention the phrase “collateral beauty” so much in this movie AND IT MEANS NOTHING! It’s a meaningless statement that wouldn’t get irritating if it wasn’t for the fact that they mention it SEVERAL IN TIMES IN THE MOVIE! It’s by far the worst title drop I’ve seen in any movies since, oh gee, THE LAST MOVIE I REVIEWED THAT STARRED WILL SMITH. “How could this movie get worse?” did you ask? I will tell you because this movie offers a very special deal: TWO shitty twists for the price of one, which I’m going to spoil because, fuck this movie.

The first twist is that the actors who played Death, Time, and Love… ACTUALLY ARE DEATH, TIME, AND LOVE! They were actually helping Michael Pena, Edward Norton, and Kate Winslet with THEIR problems instead of Will Smith… because that makes a lot of sense, it’s not like they’ve been fucking him over this entire movie. They also do end up taking their money ($20,000 each) for their services, which is admittedly the one genuinely funny thing about the movie (whether or not that was intentional is hard to tell because this movie fucking sucks).

The second, and by far WORSE, twist comes in the form of Howard (that’s Will Smith’s character) meeting this woman named Madeline (played by Naomi Harris, who appeared in Skyfall and Spectre, and another 2016 movie that I will talk about later, Moonlight) who works at this support group, to which Howard comes into and constantly interacts with her. Evidently she too lost a daughter in a tragic accident, and talks to him about how her ex-husband sends her notes that say “if only we could be strangers again”. However, it turns out that Will Smith IS her ex-husband, and she was talking about the same girl that they both lost the same way. At no point in the movie do you ever get a hint that these two used to be in a relationship of any way because they literally act like strangers around each other. Also, she’s completely okay with her ex-husband saying things like he just had a conversation with Death and Time.

DOES THIS MOVIE LOATHE ITSELF?! DO THEY GET OFF TO THIS?! IN WHAT PLANET DO THEY THINK THAT THIS IS HOW HUMANS INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER?! I DON’T GET IT! THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING INSANE!

Collateral Beauty is disgusting. This isn’t a movie like Anomalisa, or Son of Saul, or Her; those movies play with your heartstrings like a cellist with a perfectly smooth, fine-tuned bow. This movie plays the heartstrings like a lunatic ax murderer with a bloody, rusty hacksaw. This isn’t just bad, it’s offensive. It’s vile, it’s repulsive, and it may just very well be the worst holiday movie ever made. This is Oscar Bait done way, WAY wrong. (1,855 words. Music: Undertale- Battle Against a True Hero)

I hate this movie. I absolutely, thoroughly, and very, VERY vehemently hate this movie. If not for Yoga Hosers, then this might be the worst movie I've seen this year, though to give Yoga Hosers a bit of credit, at least that movie never pretended to be anything more than stupid, unfunny bad movie. I was a bit conflicted on what to rate this movie, but I think I've got it.

Though this is VERY close to being a 0, this movie can still kiss my ass. It is THAT awful. Maybe I wouldn't hate it so much if it wasn't so dishonest, but this movie can rightfully fuck off. Well, I sure hope you guys enjoy this review I sure didn't! And I'll talk to you all next time on The Wall!

[sarahaltmanposts]

An Ode to the Gymnastics Mom

December 14, 2018

Taking a much needed break from the cancer blogs to write about a new season.  Nope, I’m not talking about Fall or Winter, but gymnastics competition season.  

My younger son is a competitive gymnast.  Although he trains year round, his current competition season has just begun. So around this time of year I start to get that feeling.  Ugh.  I recognize it right away- a feeling in the pit of my stomach that starts very small in October and grows exponentially through the end of his season in May. I’ve dubbed this with several names based on the affects it has on my body: my seasonal diet, mommy nerves, and gymnastics tummy. Just one of the wonderful reminders that I’m a gym mom.

I’m not sure if moms experience this with their kids in every activity. I certainly don’t have the same feelings with my older son as a musical theater performer. I mean, I guess kids compete for different roles in a show, and watching him on stage can be a little stressful, but it doesn’t create nearly the same level of nerves and tension that I experience with gymnastics.

This is my son’s sixth competitive season, so it’s not like it’s a new experience.  At the beginning, I was surprised by the amount of stress I felt at these competitions.  Having been a competitive gymnast myself, (but not nearly as capable as my son), I had a sense of what the sport was about.  But in my new role as mom to a gymnast, I had no idea what I was getting myself into!

I confess to watching a few episodes of “Dance Moms” several years ago.  In my experience, Gym Moms (and Dads) don’t go that far, but we are a batty bunch and there has been quite a learning line on how to navigate the competitive waters and parent an athlete.

I love to watch my son.  He is a beautiful combination of grace and strength.  I find something so compelling about watching him grapple with new skills and take on the challenge of perfecting them.  His determination and strong will are so admirable.  Not to mention, he just looks really cool doing this stuff.   There’s just something about watching a person do something they love that draws me in and affects me so deeply.  It’s not unusual for me to be moved to tears watching ice skating, a great number from a musical, a piano or violin soloist, or anyone who is immersed in their passion. I see such beauty in their talent and it tugs at my heartstrings.  And even though my son’s just eleven years old, his love for the sport is overwhelmingly evident. So I try to stay out of the coaches way, while watching from a distance.  But come competition season, things get a little more tense.

Gymnastics is considered a competitive team sport.  But in its essence, the gymnast gets one opportunity to present his routine to a judge who determines the score. And that score influences both the team and individual results.  One chance- that’s it.  So many hours of training, but when it comes down to it, they get a single shot at a competition.  ONE.  He takes one mis step, places his hand off by a millimeter, loses focus for an instant, and that could be the difference between doing well and doing poorly.  This creates a tremendous amount of pressure for us parents at competitions; comparatively, the boys seem to handle it much better!

I’ve often wondered what I look like at a competition?  Remember Aly Raisman’s parents at the last Olympics?  They were doing every move with her as she competed.  Yeh, it’s kinda like that for me.  Only worse. I had a horrible mom moment at one competition when my son fell off one of his stronger events.  I had a reflexive reaction as the word “Shit!” exploded out of my mouth.  And it was loud.  Really loud. And I’m not even a curser! I was so embarrassed and quickly apologized to the other parents around me.  Oof.  Not a proud moment for me at all.

And my craziness extends beyond the gym during competition season. I become hyper vigilant about germs. Any sign of an illness within fifty feet of my son and I become the germ police.  I encourage A LOT of hand washing.  I use homeopathic remedies to boost his immune system.  And I freak out  (mostly silently, but sometimes aloud) if I see other kids around my son who are sick.  I try to keep the paranoia to a minimum, but one illness can put him at a disadvantage or take him out of competition. And we certainly can’t have that.

Right about now you’re thinking I’m nuts, right?  Wait, it gets worse.

During the last competition season, my son’s coach approached me to give me a little coaching.  “You need to enjoy his competitions more. When I look over at you, your face is all red and you look so worried.”  Uh.  Yeh.  (I guess that answers the question of what I look like during competitions. And btw hot flash + competition = red face/ very unpleasant!) But I got his point and made a concerted effort to let go and try to enjoy these competitions.  I’m certainly making progress, but wow, it’s hard.  I’m aware of the skills to look out for- the one’s he’s concerned about. And I want him to succeed.  Is that so bad?

And that’s one of the hardest parts for me. The nature of competition is that someone wins, right?  Our kids are part of a team, true, but  they compete for individual awards.  So when my son began competing years ago, I found myself feeling threatened.  And I’m embarrassed to admit that these feelings expressed themselves in very unattractive ways.  I mean, I didn’t go all crazy mom, yelling at the judges like I’ve seen with some baseball and soccer moms on the news.  But I found myself creating adversaries with some of the other parents (mostly in my head, but some played out in reality) for the sole reason that their child was more talented than mine.  I know, it’s horrible; I’m presently burying my head in shame. And what’s worse is that I was painfully aware of the bad feelings inside that were provoking this behavior.  I judged myself, beat myself up, and continued to question why I was having this experience.

Luckily, my education has offered me the skills to examine my feelings and behavior.  And after a great deal of introspection over the past several years, I got really clear and painfully honest with myself.  The truth is that the feelings I experience have very little to do with my son and gymnastics, but are more a reflection of the way I’m holding on to and judging my own inadequacies. Ugh, take a moment to let that settle.

Sure, my son is not the only one making an investment in the sport. We’ve done a lot to accommodate his passion and the entire family has made sacrifices. The choice to homeschool him was not an easy one. (That’s a whole other blog!) The financial commitment is tremendous; without support from my sister, much of his training would be impossible.  And then there’s the time commitment, driving him to and from every workout.  He’s at the gym twice a day most days, about twenty-six hours a week. And some competitions have us traveling.  If I weren’t a stay at home mom, none of this would be possible.  

And as his mother, witnessing him coming home sore, swollen, and exhausted is tough; not to mention the numerous injuries and doctor’s visits. And trying to discern which injury requires a doctor’s visit and which cold symptom should keep him out of the gym for a workout has taken quite a bit of learning. My desire has always been to support him in his passion, but there are days that he’s just beaten down physically or emotionally and it’s hard to witness without questioning what this is doing to him in the long run. So I’ve had to learn that there are just bad workout days (weeks or even months) and my job is to support him through those times.  And separate.  I have to separate my feelings from the whole situation and look at it as objectively as possible.  Some days I’m better at that than others

But the truth is, all of this wouldn’t be causing so much upset in me unless it was triggering something deeper. And here’s the awareness that’s most painful for me to acknowledge: I am attaching my own worth to our boy’s accomplishments.  Ouch!  Even though I’ve been working with this awareness for a while, it still hurts to admit and share it aloud and openly. There’s so much shame and pain involved in this truth.  It ties in with some very core issues about my own self-worth.

I can see how this misinterpretation evolved.  I chose to stay home with the boys, leaving my career as a Casting Director. I don’t regret that for a second, but by doing this, the BOYS became my career.  And there’s no yearly progress review or bonus from supervisors marking my success in my career as a  mom. So I began to judge how well I was doing at my job as a mom by basing it on how well the boys were doing. Were they happy and successful?  It seems that’s a HUGE trap for us stay at home moms. When the boys are doing well, my self-worth was in tact, but if they’re doing poorly, I internalize it and it surfaces as my own failure.

It has taken a lot of work to shift away from this way of thinking. I’ve had to change the hardwiring I’ve created in my head that has led to these misinterpretations. I work with a lot of self-forgiveness and releasing of judgments. And mostly, I remind myself that these beautiful children have their own experience that has absolutely nothing to do with me.  They call into their lives the experiences they need to evolve on their own Spiritual journey. And I’m merely here to love them through it as best I can.  

I’ve apologized to those parents who were affected by my behavior several years ago. I’ve even shared some of my learning with them. It seems we agree that as parents of gymnasts we want all the boys to do well.  We just want our own child to do better. So yes, I cheer for all the boys on the team and I genuinely want them to do great!  I also genuinely want my kid to do better. That’s just the plain old truth.

Gymnastics has offered my son so much.  He is learning discipline, respect, the meaning of hard work, social and leadership skills, and determination. He has a great group of friends. He has an amazingly healthy, strong body and is laying the ground work that will lead him to find success in whatever he chooses to do with his future. And most importantly, he LOVES the sport.  

The sport has presented me with many gifts as well.  In addition to providing me with experiences and opportunities to deepen my learning, I’ve also made some amazing friends. We  share a common bond, going through all the trials and tribulations of learning how to parent an athlete together. And I would imagine most of us are experiencing a slew of similar emotions revolving around the sport. These parents have not only stood by me at competitions when I’m feeling upset or worried, but they were the first ones to jump into action when I received my cancer diagnosis.  And they’ve remained supportive through my entire treatment.  These families and coaches have become part of my family and I’m so grateful.

So while my son is gaining so much by participating in this sport, he is unknowingly helping his mom evolve too.  As he flips and twists, I am going through my own type of emotional and spiritual acrobatics, doing my best to find my center and live a life of purpose and alignment.  

There will be many ups and downs in my son’s gymnastics career.  With any luck, we can both stick our landings!

In loving,

Sarah

[ourmrmel]

Mel Feller Looks at Business of Building a Winning Business Team

Mel Feller Looks at Business of Building a Winning Business Team

 If you travel around and speak at the how-to-succeed-in-business lecture circuit long enough, which as a business coach and executive coach I do, you end up hearing a lot of thought-provoking stuff about competitive approaches to business, disrupting technologies, resource apportionment, asset management, and several other business theories.

 However, the bottom line is that, when it is all said and done, winning teams win because they have the best individuals and a leader/coach who knows how to make the sum greater than the parts.

 It is truly as simple and as complex as that. Simple because as soon as people hear that dictum, they typically mutter, “Oh, yeah.” It’s hardly a controversial notion that great individuals plus a great coach equal great performance.  It is learning the skills that seem complex to most people.  

 Complicated, though, because actually doing it is so damn hard. We get distracted. The board wants a presentation, or a customer is getting annoying. On the other hand, we lose our nerve. Whatever happens, but something, anything, makes us forget that winning is about leading your people.

 Note: The leaders of winning teams always let their people know where they stand.

 The information below, if put into practice, will reduce your stress, increase your business' productivity, and give you the ability to let your team know what is going on and where they stand.   Here is, Mel Feller’s the top ten things you can do to make your business run as smoothly as possible.

 Hire wisely

 Most businesses hire bodies for particular jobs rather than people to help build a future.  Your business is only as good as each individual employee's contribution to its functioning.  Therefore, look for the three i's when you hire: intelligence, initiative, and integrity. For every position, from receptionist to packing clerk, hire only the best you can find. Conversely, if you have current employees who are not performing well, consider whether they are a wise investment of your money.

 Build a team, not your ego

 Many employers let their egos dominate their interactions with their employees. Stop the pattern. Instead, trust your employees to do their jobs. Make each employee feel that they are an invaluable member of the company team. Let each employee know they are an integral part of the company's product. Set the example for positive interaction at all times between members of the team even when ideas or performance must be corrected.

 Reward well

 When you get good employees, reward them financially and emotionally. Be sure their pay is at least at market rate. Take time often to acknowledge each employee's contribution. The two biggest loyalty builders are two simple words-- thank you.

 Be hands on

 Know each employee's job and how to do it. This not only gives you an automatic reserve employee and trainer (yourself), but also has an added bonus. If you show an employee that you are willing to learn or have learned his/her job, you are communicating that you believe their work has value. Every employee needs to know that whether they are emptying trashcans, setting the presses, or selling the large accounts, their work is worthwhile and valuable.

 Make your employees versatile

 In a small company, every employee should know how to do at least two jobs, particularly on the technical and service sides. For critical tasks, at least three employees should know how to do each job. Thus, you always have an on-the-premises reserve who can step in when needed.

 Give away tasks, but not ultimate leadership

What is it you do best? Are you the idea man, the best salesperson in your company, the organizer? Find your best talent and then delegate all other tasks to your employees. Train them appropriately to do their job, let them know you have confidence in their ability to perform well, and then let them do their jobs. Adding responsibility with confidence will increase your employee's willingness to work and their pride in the company's result. At the same time, you must maintain ultimate leadership. In any well run ship, the captain makes final decisions and you are still the captain, albeit a benign one.

 Communicate, communicate, and communicate

 You must talk with your employees, solicit their suggestions, and positively correct their mistakes. Conversely, you must create an atmosphere where employees are willing and able to talk with you. The two best sources of information on how your business is doing and how to improve it are your employees and your customers. Pay attention to both.

 Give your best and always and encourage the same in your employees.  Pride in the company and its product or service always begins at the top. If you give a half effort or let a sloppily produced product go out the door to a client, you are sending a message to your employees that you do not respect your clients or your work. Your employees will adopt that view as well. If you set the example of giving the extra effort, pitching in when needed, caring about your fellow team members, working as a unit to be the best in your particular business, and taking care of the bottom line, your employees worth having and keeping will follow suit.

 Encourage innovation and creation

 Give your employees a stake in the future. Once a month, have a meeting where the employees make suggestions on how to improve your product, service, efficiency, or bottom line. Give monetary rewards when the ideas produce increases to the bottom line. Give positive encouragement for the process.

 Have a second in command

 No general goes into battle without a major who can take over if he is felled by a bullet. You are your business' general and must act accordingly. Find someone you trust within your company who has the same goals, ideals, and a similar business style. Train him/her appropriately. Let others know he/she has your confidence and authority when you are gone. When that is done, leave on vacation and test the theory out. If you have completed steps above, your business will run easily and well and you will have regained a healthy balance in your life.  I firmly believe, after the thousands I have coached that this is the bottom-line for most business owners and entrepreneurs.

 Mel Feller Career Highlights

 Mel Feller offers career and leadership coaching to executives, entrepreneurs, and other coaches. Mel is also a life coach and usually advises his career & leadership-coaching clients on work/ life balance and other issues.  Mel actively coaches other coaches one-on-one, in groups, or through Master Minds and laser coaching.  

 His coaching specialty is helping high-performing people to accelerate their progress by gaining clarity, alignment with their talents, and focusing on what is meaningful to them.  He also works with people who feel stuck at work or in life and helps them create momentum to get into the work they dream of and feel good about their lives overall.

 He also offers business-consulting services to entrepreneurs who are visioning, launching, or trying to scale their businesses for profitable growth.  

 Mel is a motivational speaker who makes several appearances a year and will speak to large and small groups.  He will also offer to customize a speech or workshop/ retreat for your organization. He is also a newspaper contributor and blogger; blogs under several blogs he owns and contributes to several more.

 As a certified coach, Mel has studied with Franklin-Covey Institute, The Financial Institute for Life Transformation; Coaching For Success Elite Coaching; and is a member of several Boards and  Associations. Mel also has an MA in Human Resources, marketing and strategy/ policy and a MA in Public Administration from Utah State University and a BA in Political Science, Accounting and Legal Studies with High Honors from Weber State University.  Previously, Mel worked as a Chief of Staff for a United States Senator.  

 What distinguishes Mel is that he has been a high-powered executive; a stay-at-home/ work at home single dad at one time; and an entrepreneur so he understands what the challenges are for C-Suite executives and what they are for Stay-At-Home parents’ thinking about re-entering the workforce.  He has done it and he gets it!

 Most coaches do not have the level of business experience that Mel does so it gives he a helpful vantage point to coach CEOs, senior management teams, C-Suite level and middle management level executives.  He personally worked with senior managements, CEOs, and Board of Directors on business strategy issues so he understands what it takes to thrive and persuade in that environment firsthand.  

 Mel understands how to help people create momentum for change in their life and how to break through the barriers holding them back.  He is a big believer in taking concrete steps forward every day.  Mel was stuck and more than once and so he knows firsthand how hard it can be to change your life to pursue your dreams, but he is living proof that it can be done.  

 It is his mission to help you get into the life you dream about, to convince you that you can make a living doing what it is you want to be doing, to help you feel like you are living your purpose and in congruency with your values.

 “Truth telling, honesty, and candor: I loved you Mel Feller! You have so much energy and knowledge! I truly hope I get another opportunity to be coached by you. I see myself a little clearer now, and it’s not so bad.”

Lisa Mathews

 “Mel Feller you added more value than we can possibly see right now. Mel Feller, you are warm, inviting, and accommodating. Thank you for coming alongside us in this transition!”

Vanessa Cavanaugh

“Mel Feller the best education session that we have attended in many years! Thank you so much — I am very excited to put everything you have taught us into practice!”

Michael Randolph

 “Mr. Mel Feller, Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving a marvelous keynote at our Symposium! While we have not yet collected the official feedback, the unofficial feedback was that You Were a Hit! I heard nothing but compliments regarding your presentations. Thank you for making such a positive impact on our attendees! ”

Lyle Cunningham VP

 "Mel Feller uses his humor, compassion, and direct nature to help bring out the best in me. Mel Feller is committed to helping me live...I mean, really live, life to its fullest."

Jose Rodriguez

 Mel Feller Links

 https://www.instagram.com/mel.feller  

 https://ourmrmel.tumblr.com/  

 https://www.pinterest.com/cfs360/  

 https://twitter.com/melfeller/following  

 https://wordpress.com/page/melfellerinternetbusinessinnovations.wordpress.com  

 https://dribbble.com/melfeller  

 https://biggerpockets.com/forums/79/topics/49008-larry-goins-bootcamp  

 https://txbusinessdb.com/p/mel-feller  

 https://xindex.com/c/12031660488/mel-feller-financial-services-group-inc  

 https://buzzfile.com/business/Coaching-For-Success-940-569-9260  

 https://melfellerrealestateinnovations.wordpress.com  

 https://myspace.com/mfcfs360  

 https://goodreads.com/user/show/86266194-mel-feller  

 https://mfcfs.contently.com  

 https://alignable.com/wichita-falls-tx/coaching-for-success-360  

 https://quora.com/profile/Mel-Feller  

 https://about.me/melfeller  

 https://independent.academia.edu/MelFeller  

 https://medium.com/@mfcfs360  

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[theloveshackchronicles-blog]

Coping with Depression:

Battling depression is a full time job. In order to keep it from damaging anything going well for you, you must take action. Lets face it, no one likes to be around someone who is always down, complaining, negative and just plain drab. But the person dealing with these issues does NOT do this on purpose. Sometimes, the person battling depression is not aware of how much their depressive behavior effects others.

I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety as a young teenager. After my mom and dad split up and we moved to New York, my whole life changed. I went from living a calm, country life in Pennsylvania to living in a high paced and diverse life in New York. I'll never forget our move here and the strength I witnessed my mother obtain out of the clear blue. She knew no other way of life without my father. We started out with NOTHING! We had some clothes, photo albums and a few other things to get us started but for the most part, our mom had to work so hard to give us our life back. The life we all so desperately deserved.

Here we were. My mom, my sister and I living in a one bedroom apartment that we converted into a two bedroom (my mother has great interior and organizing skills) My sister got the private room as she was the older teenager who needed her space and privacy. And for years, my mom and I were roommates and shared the converted bedroom. We had so little but I was the happiest I had ever been. I started to see my mom flower into this beast of a woman. She gained her confidence back and began socializing and building friendships. We joined a community church where I found myself spending all my time. I sang in the choir and did bible groups with the teen ministry. I was so into it, that I received perfect attendance two years in a row. I enjoyed church more than school...sadly.... I DID NOT LIKE SCHOOL!

Little by little, things started looking up for us. Occasionally, my mom would allow me to spend weekends with my dad. And if you know me, you know that I grew up as daddy's little girl. I was my fathers pride and joy. But after my parents split and I learned why... I didn't really like spending time with my father. I had created this alliance against him because obviously I attached myself to my mother and related to her more and more as the years progressed. Each time I went to stay with my dad, I would get terribly sick with a high fever and would be in bed the entire time. He would try to cheer me up by taking me shopping for clothes or letting me visit my cousins on his side of the family. But my nerves were so bad and I almost felt like I was betraying my mother and would literally make myself get sick with worry. I never had the courage to express why I was so nervous. He was my dad! I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I would rather stay up crying all night, missing my mom than to ever admit that I had looked at my father differently. I think at this point is when I learned to swallow my problems. My problems were a "burden" in my mind. I became the perfect child. I always cleaned and made sure things were organized and sanitized in our home. I got my first job and started contributing to food costs and bills. I became a young woman very quickly. I accepted responsibility without a question.

 During this time, my sister had my nephews... my first loves... my twins. I was 14 when they were born. At this time, my dad moved closer to us and my parents tried working things out. My sister had a very high risk pregnancy and required medical attention in a hospital about an hour away. My parents stayed with her day in and day out while I was home and went to school. I never had so much freedom... ever! I took full advantage of my sister absorbing my parents attention. This is when I became a little less perfect and decided to test my boundaries. My first act of rebellion was when I let my best friends step mom frost my virgin hair!!! My mom had a fit!! How dare I BLEACH MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR without permission!!!! It wasn't like me to make decisions like that without consulting mom. Disappointing my mother was my worst fear... but at 14.... you wasn't tellin me shit!! My hair was bleached and my eyebrows.....holy shit my eyebrows were hideous!  But I thought I was the SHIT. LOL! I started becoming involved in expensive fashion and started quite the sneaker collection too. I had a stupid boyfriend also (rolls eyes)  If you'd even like to call it that. I wasn't allowed to date. So my relationship was hidden and solely a phone relationship. I never saw this stupid boy. He was a bad boy. He smoked lots of weed. I did not. He smoked cigarettes. I did not. He dropped out of school. I wouldn't dare. We were opposite people but he was popular and liked me so why not? Well here's why not. Those bad boys want sex! And girl, you're a Puerto Rican virgin. With a Puerto Rican father who wouldn't think twice about going to prison for killing some hoodlum. Plus, my sister just became a teen mom! NO SEX!! I FEARED SEX!!!! So, because I didn't put out, my stupid boyfriend found other girls who would. Girls with nicer bodies and girls with parents who let them sleep over their boyfriends houses. UMMMM. NO. NOT IN THE CORDERO RESIDENCE. But this jerk wouldn't let me go. He wanted me to be this good girl who waited for his phone call when he got home from his side girls house. That got so old. I felt so insecure. Like what if I just have sex? What if I just see if it works out and he'll stop talking to other girls. But i never gave in. I never let him get the privilege of taking something so dear to me. I let his ass go. I didn't want to feel useless anymore. I didn't want to be second best. He made me feel like I was not worth having something really special. He had to go. I didn't realize that he created a monster. All I craved was the right attention from a good guy. I wanted to hurry up and get married. I wanted a family and I wanted to get the fuck out of my parents house. So I met a man. A man from a wholesome family. He had a career and plenty of money to spoil me with. He drove sick cars and took me on many vacations. This is what I deserved!!!! Or so I thought. Fast forward a few years and this man became my husband. He was my first everything!!! He showed me what it was like to have good work ethic, how to budget money... basically... he taught me how to be an adult. We got married when I was 20.... a few months after my father passed away. My father loved my fiancé. He loved that he didn't have to worry about me anymore. He trusted this man with his daughter. Life was good and I felt like I was doing right by the number 1 man in my life. What I didn't know is what kind of person I would become after  losing such a close part of my life to death. Grieving isn't easy for anyone. And for me, I don't think I'll ever be ok with saying my father is gone. The tiny line of depression I once had as a young teen blew up to be the most overwhelming depression for a young adult. 

For months, I pretended as if the death of my father didn't exist. I went through with a wedding and marriage that I was not fully emotionally invested in. I became a mother the same year. And for a little while.... I felt heaven. My first born entered my life. Everyone was soooooo excited for Madden. My goodness he was and is still so loved. He made my life so beautiful. I sort of replaced an emptiness I had from losing my dad. Nothing was better than being a mom. NOTHING!!  Time passed and while I battled some post-partum depression... things weren't so bad.

 But then... the emptiness started coming back. Nothing made me happy. I couldn't get out of bed. I would party all weekend and not come home sometimes. I had zero respect for my marriage. I didn't want to be married anymore. And who was I going to disappoint? The only person I worried about failing is gone!!! I had built a wall of indestructible material. After 3 years of being married and now having a two year old, my husband and I divorced. The story behind that is a whole notha novella.

 We didn't always see eye to eye after the divorce and it took us a few years to adjust to co-parenting but we are great now. We have learned how to raise our son without allowing the courts to decide our destiny. We do a better job co-parenting than we ever did as a couple. So although this was bitter, things have gotten 10000 times better. That part I am grateful for. The in between times though... they were rough. I didn't want any money from my ex. I just wanted to be out of the relationship so I didn't take him for money or child support. I just wanted out!! But that meant.... starting from scratch... again. Survival mode is really all I know. And when things are good and calm, my depression and anxiety have a way of sabotaging the good things around me. Then... survival mode kicks in. I am more comfortable in my chaos than my solitude. That,my friend is anxiety!!

From the age of 12 to the amazing age of 30.... all I have done is survive. I have mastered the art of "figuring it out" And if you can imagine.... when you're always figuring it out, there is no time for friendships. There's barely time to think! I was growing at a pace that other girls my age knew nothing about. I did a good job at making it look easy too. But it wasn't! People who I thought were close to me became sooo two-faced and would tell other people things I had confided in them with. Deep secrets and "tea" you thought you could trust friends with. WRONG! I felt like I was always clearing up fires of gossip that involved me but wasn't even true! I found myself explaining myself for no reason to  people who held no real substance to my life. I can say that I learned a lot about not only myself but about how awful other can be.

That's when I started to fade out and meet new people and start new adventures. I worked two jobs at all times and on the off times, I spent all my time with my son. Work and being a mother was all I needed and cared about. People would make comments like "you're a bad mother because you don't have your son all the time" GASPS.... why does that make me a bad mother? My son has a father. A father who wants to be there. A father who can provide love and shelter. A father who is present! Why would I take that from my son for my own selfishness? Yes, I WANTED MY SON EVERYDAY. but it wasn't about me!! I had to do what was right for my son. I could have been selfish and been this single mom who does it alone but I didn't choose that life for myself. I chose to have a child with a great man. And I will never regret my decision to split my time with his father. And shame on anyone who makes mothers feel bad for actually putting their feelings aside for the betterment of their child. Its bad enough that you have to make a decision to spilt your family. But to act like you did it alone is fucking stupid! I didn't do it alone and I have the support. And Madden turned out to be an incredible young man!! Not because his parents are fuck ups.

A lot has happened in my life since then. I rekindled a relationship with the love of my life and we had our first child together. We are two AMAZING parents if I do say so myself. Our family is so strong and so focused on love and acceptance that I can now confidently leave depression behind me. Some days are still really really hard. Some days I just want to give up on my relationship. Some days I wonder how I am even going to make it to the next day without checking into an institution of some sort but my support system is unlike any other. I have friends. I have imperfect friends. Friends who check on me but don't require tons of attention. Friends who understand what its like to be spread way too thin. MOMMY FRIENDS WHO ARE THE BEST MOMS EVER!!

The best thing I have gotten from depression is admitting that I am a depressed person. I stopped hiding it. I went to therapy and gained trust in people again. That wall came down a little bit. I want to give partial credit to my age and reaching that level of "fuck it" but mostly the credit goes to learning that life is so unpredictable. People die. People you LOVE SO MUCH! People lie! They cheat!

The lesson I learned is to accept the little, not so perfect things about myself in a way that doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life. My intensions throughout my uncertainty were never malicious. My behavior was only a cry for help and attention. Not knowing that the attention I needed was from myself. To love and care for myself the way I would want a man to. And to stop living my life for others. To speak up when uncomfortable. To love without boundaries or reservations. To allow someone to love me the way i deserve to be loved. To grow amidst such pain and chaos. Depression and anxiety are designed to make you hate yourself.... but you... you are so special. You are so beautiful and so worthy of all the great things you want and WILL GET!!. Talk to someone who cares. Reach out in times you don't always feel so good about decisions of your life.

YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN ME!!

-recovering