#(( my hand slipped and I was about to write a novel sorry hehe

[hellishjoel]

ride

7.2k // pairing:dbf/neighbor!joel x f!reader Series Masterlist l Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

summary: Joel whisks you away to Houston for the weekend under the guise of a work trip. You keep a secret from him to try and keep your fling undetected from your parents. warnings: MA 18+ (minors DNI), no outbreak, dbf/neighbor!joel, smut, swearing, age gap (reader is in her early 20s, Joel in his 40s), pet names, fingering, oral (f! receiving), unprotected p in v (shower sex hehe), a little overstim if you squint

A/N: sorry not sorry this chapter took a month+, but I hope you like it! A little drammaaaa. and a reminder, they still have all day saturday and sunday together ;)

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You gulp. “Joel-”, it’s almost in a warning tone. “I don’t- fuck, it feels-”  “Uh-huh,” Joel murmurs against your core, nodding gently, grazing his nose against your clit in the process before his warm mouth tightens around your clit. And he suckles.  You cry out, walls clenching around his fingers as he milks an orgasm from you. You damn near crumble, but he tightens the hold on your hip to keep you afloat.  “There ya go, princess, come on my fingers,”

June 23rd 7:48 P.M. 

I’ve had some time to think about Joel, and how much I like to think about him, and how things aren’t an accident. 

Thinking about how unlikely it is that we sparked. 

How Joel could have turned left, and I could have turned right. But we didn’t. 

Instead of running away, I said yes, and so did he. 

The impossibility of us seems so incredible, almost unbelievable. 

I love that so many things had to happen for us to be where we are right now. 

I saw the sun melt his eyes into amber, and he liked the way I smiled in the moonlight. 

This feeling was radical, unnerving, scary. 

I didn’t know why it was called falling or crashing into love. Perhaps I do now. 

“You could sit there and read all day, huh?” Joel interrupts your thoughts as he starts to guide his truck off the freeway, passing a large aluminum Welcome to Houston! sign lit up by the truck’s headlights. 

Butterflies flutter in your stomach, cheeks squished from smiling as his hand settles on your upper thigh, thumb drawing lazy circles on your sweet skin.  

“I’m not reading anymore. Got too dark.” He’s referring to the novel you brought for the trip from your to-be-read pile that you started when you first got on the road. 

The drive from Austin to Houston was two-and-a-half hours long, so you decided to saddle the passenger seat with different activities and snacks to keep yourself busy and out of Joel’s hair, much to his behest. He said he enjoyed letting you ramble on about whatever you were thinking about; said it was like listening to a podcast.  

“But I am writing.” You hum quietly, penning in your last thought before it gets lost in the black of night. 

“What’cha writin’, then?” Joel's curious eyes wander to the nest you had made for yourself in the passenger seat as he tilts his chin up to try and read beyond your journal cover. 

You snap it closed and slip the pen in somewhere between the pages. “Keep your eyes on the road, old man.” Your tone is teasing, making you grin even more as he grumbles in annoyance under his breath as the truck slowly approaches a stop light. 

Once off the freeway and down to the local roads, you roll the window down. You watch the moon start to rise in the sky, feeling goosebumps grow on your arms and exposed legs while the wind lazily flows through your hair. The gentle night breeze is welcome to air out Joel’s stuffy truck. 

You were supposed to be his navigator once he got off the freeway, but you were a bit preoccupied looking around yourself. 

You and Joel left Friday evening as soon as he was done with work, and now you were lightly coasting the streets of Houston as the sun finished setting. You could see the diverse architecture of downtown, the skyline of skyscrapers and high-rises were all crowded together. As you moved further into midtown, Joel drove past small businesses and parks. You let your hand float out the window, surfing the wind like a wave. 

“Hey, space cadet, if you’re not gonna give me the directions to the motel, the least you can do is toss me a french fry.” 

Your head cocks back to him, curiously smiling as you reach your hand aimlessly into the fast food bag, retrieving a fry and bringing it up to his lips. You settled on McDonald’s before you left Danbury, partially because Joel felt like being a little cheap, and you agreed they had the best, saltiest french fries. 

You feed it to him, and he teasingly sucks the salt off your fingers. 

“Gross, Joel.” 

He sneers as he watches you wipe your hands on your thighs to rid yourself of his saliva. “You like it.”

He’s not wrong. You force yourself to look back out the window again to hide the heat creeping up the back of your neck. 

Joel smirks and squeezes your thigh to bring you back to him. When you look over to the handsome man donning his usual green flannel, the wind furles your hair in messy, unkempt streaks. 

He hesitates for a moment, but now that you’re no longer preoccupied with reading or writing, he holds your hand. You feel him test the waters, settling for just lightly clasping it in your lap, but it’s not enough for him. His thick fingers and calloused hand meets the heart of your palm as his fingers weave with your own. He lets out a little sigh and settles himself there. 

You feel like teasing him. You’re afraid to hold my hand but not to fuck my throat in your woodshed with a party right outside? But then you remember how difficult it was to kiss him. It still felt like a slip-up, you had to admit. Especially if this was supposed to be just a casual relationship. It felt intimate and emotionally charged. But it was just kissing, right? And this was just holding hands. 

Your thoughts wrestle around your head a bit. Joel feels it. You’re not sure how he always seems to know what you’re thinking, but he does. His thumb strokes a gentle line up and down the muscle of your thumb, a silent way of saying stop thinking for once.  It’s appreciated, the sense of care and thoughtfulness he provided without even speaking a word. 

Ever since he took you to that bar, Past Lives, all you could think about was Joel. Joel on repeat. Joel taking you away from the distracted environment of the lakehouse. Joel showing you the map, saying there was more to the world than Texas. Joel kissing you. Joel touching you. Joel fucking you. Joel protecting you. Joel saving you. 

As much as you’ve had time to reflect on Joel, you’ve also reflected on your parents. They were hardly bad people, but they didn’t respect your adult choices. You came to tearfully realize that your relationship with them had slowly deteriorated since leaving for university. You grew independent, and that was especially hard for them. Something you had trouble understanding, something Joel didn’t understand either. 

You called Joel Thursday night before your trip under the guise of asking if you should pack any specifics, but the conversation ended up landing on his relationship and parenting with Sarah. You told him how you appreciated the way he let Sarah grow and experience things, that it was good for her. 

“She’s a tough girl, and I trust’er. Nothin’ much left to say.”

“So, what-” you stumble and scoff over the phone. “My parents don’t trust me? Or think I’m not tough enough to tackle the world?”

“S’not what I’m sayin’, darlin’. I don’t know what’s up with your folks. But you don’t need their approval, you’re an adult. All you need is t’… t’ trust yourself. Sounds fuckin’ cheesy, but it’s true.”

You pause, twisting a strand of hair around your finger as your eyebrows furrow, thinking over his words. “Y’think if I act a little more confident about it, they’ll start believing it too?”

Joel’s chuckle is a little crackle-ey on the line as he wanders around his house talking to you, going in and out of good reception. “Gotta start somewhere, buttercup. At the end of the day, it’s about your happiness, not theirs. Don’t gotta be such a people pleaser all the time.” 

Yes, I do, you think. 

“Thanks, Joel.”

“Sure thing, hon’.” 

Dusk on the outskirts of Houston. The houses become few and far between. There’s more green grass and flourished trees. Joel slowly pulls into a small driveway, a large blue neon-lit sign designated that you were at your motel for the weekend. The entire truck is highlighted in a pale blue from the illumination, you nearly have to squint. There were no more than two or three cars parked outside. It was a two-level motel, with an outside staircase to navigate the different floors. 

“The Blue Swallow Motel.” Your attention strays to Joel with furrowed brows. “Why here?” 

Joel shrugs and navigates himself into a parking spot with ease. “Don’t know. Like blue swallows.”

Curiosity sparks you. 

“You like blue swallows? You’ve seen one in person?” 

He shakes his head and says nothing for a moment, but it almost looks like he can’t help himself to dispel some information. “They’re native to Africa, only ever seen the North American variants  ‘round here.” He lets the engine grumble down once he pulls the key from the ignition, but you’re still awestruck in his passenger seat.  

“I’m sorry- Joel Miller Bird Enthusiast?” The eager tone in your voice gives away your excitement, and Joel seems to despise it when you get too excited about him. He has to close his eyes and hang his head, wishing he never said anything. 

“Oh, Joel Miller, don’t even try to deny it, I’ve seen those bird guides on your bookshelf, you’re a birder.” 

His neck swivels, eyes wide and defensive. “I am not a birder.”

You throw your head back in laughter, and eventually, he cracks a smile. “They’re interestin’, okay?”

You playfully pat his shoulder with reassurance, nodding in agreement. The two of you settle down from your fits of laughter and look over the exterior of the motel once more. 

“Y’said you wanted somethin’ quaint? Small?” 

Being with Joel and having no other distractions was your goal for this weekend. Since this trip was coming out of Joel’s pocket, you insisted you didn’t need some fancy hotel. You’ve traveled to Houston a handful of times before, and the last thing you wanted was for your view outside some high-rise hotel to be Danbury in the distance. 

You squeeze his hand once more and nod, stars lighting up behind your eyes. “It’s perfect. Thanks for finding something simple.”

Joel teeters on your appreciation but ultimately ends up shaking his head. “Could’ve gotten something a little nicer for ya, maybe closer to downtown-”

You stop him right there and bring his rough knuckles to your plush lips, adding a kiss to each one. “I said it’s perfect, so it’s perfect. I like it, it’s got charm, chutzpah even. Plus, looks like we’ll have the pool to ourselves.” You hum with a devious little smirk. You hop out of the truck and open the backdoor to grab your things. 

“Pool, you say?” He retorts, an eyebrow raised with narrow eyes on you. You lightly shrug as you grab your backpack. 

“Might have forgotten my swimsuit, though. Shame.”

You brush past Joel, who is scoffing lightly under his breath in disbelief, duffel bag brushing against his calves as he walks with you towards the motel office. You would be the death of this man. 

“Damn shame.”  He mutters, a smirk hanging low on his lips.

---

Room 135 was marked on the dark chestnut door, a small white plate with black numbering decked on. 

There wasn’t much to be said about the motel room itself. You tried to stifle a laugh when you and Joel both walked in to see two separate queen beds. The sheets were white, but the top cover was an extravagant red pattern that looked like it got lost in the 80s. A side table was resting against the wall towards the headboards with a beige telephone placed on top, resting over a few local restaurant menus. Two small lamps were attached to the wall above the beds, perfectly opposite of the television sat on top of a tall dresser. 

“Is this your idea of a romantic getaway?” You teased as you walked further inside over the beige carpet. “Two beds don’t exactly scream romantic.” You set your backpack down on the foot of the bed furthest from the door and closest to the bathroom around the corner. You assume this bed will just be used to hold both of your luggage, not a person. 

“No,” Joel said through a tight gruff as he strained to lift his bag of tools and luggage onto the edge of his own bed. “S’a work trip. Not a romantic getaway.” 

Your smile falters as you purse your lips and fiddle with your hands behind your back. 

“So, this really is a work trip?” You clarify, to which Joel looks at you a bit confused. 

“Course it is.” 

A light boil simmers through your chest. Maybe you will be sleeping in your own bed tonight. Joel could sense your flattened mood, and he quickly felt the need to sweep up the pieces of what he broke. He was bad with words, terrible really, but he tried to find the right ones for you. 

“I said that wrong. It’s a work trip but,” he trails off and falters as he saddles his hands on his hips for a moment and sighs, your doe eyes looking up to his own. “But I brought you here to spend some real time with ya. Didn’t wanna,” he shrugs and rolls his eyes. A classic Joel Miller sign that he wants to say something a little personally emotional. 

“What?” You probe him, a smile tickling your lips as you loop your hands to rest just above the ones on his hips. “You didn’t want to what, Joel?” You ask, setting your chin on his chest and looking up at him with a goofy grin. 

He sighs and rolls his eyes again, having a hard time looking at you. “I didn’t wanna go on this trip alone. Didn’t want to leave you at home when I could bring ya with.” 

Joel wasn’t a social man. In fact, if the world went to shit, you think he might really enjoy the solitude. But for him to admit that he would rather have you in his space than out of it, it’s quite endearing. 

Now you’re the one who's hiding a blush. You settle your cheek against his chest and sigh, soaking in his scent and his warmth. Joel’s hand comes to rest on the side of your head, gently stroking your hair away from your face as the two of you relax into a gentle hug. 

“Were you serious about that no bathin’ suit thing?” He asks after a moment of silence, causing you to roll your eyes and shove him a good distance away. 

“As serious as a heart attack.” You sneer as you round the bed to the bathroom, needing desperately to relieve yourself after the drive. Of all colors, it’s a beautiful mint green. Incredibly retro, you think as you use the toilet and stare at the shower absentmindedly. You roll your phone around in your hands once you finish washing them, a lump rising in your throat. 

Your mother’s words echoed in your ear. 

“If it gets serious, we want to meet this young man.”

There was no young man. The young man your mother referred to was really Joel. Panic was spreading through your body just at the thought of trying to fix this situation. They figured out you were seeing someone, they just didn’t quite know who. A few heavy breaths labor out of you, anxiety nestling in your chest. 

“You okay, buttercup? Been a minute.” Joel asks cautiously from the opposite side of the door, his knuckles offering a few polite knocks. 

Your chest surges. You didn’t want him to know you’d slipped up, half-told your parents the truth. You didn’t want him to end things out of fear of them finding out. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine, Joel. Just.. gimme a minute.” 

His feet don’t move on the other side of the door. He doesn’t want to leave you, feeling something slightly wrong. 

“Really, Joel, just- checking out the facilities.” God. 

He sighs before you hear him back off. “Alright. Lemme know f’you need anythin’.” 

You need to act, or else this feeling will eat you alive. Finally, with some accurate cell service, you text the first person you think of. Nathan. Remember that childhood crush of yours? You hadn’t seen him in years, and with how gorgeous he was growing up, there was a scary feeling that you might be texting a man who had a girlfriend. But he was your only hope to cover up the mess you had made. 

Growing up with Nathan and his parents being friends with your own always felt like a setup. Your mothers always cooed that you two just might end up marrying one another. At the time, you wished it was true, that all this exposure with him would lead to something romantic. But then you grew up, saw each other a little less over the summers, and grew apart. You still kept in contact via social media, but not often. You saw his life in pictures. One from a homecoming dance, a group picture of him and his friends, an action shot of him playing basketball, a high school graduation picture, and a similar one for college graduation. He was still alive somewhere out there, you just didn’t know him like you used to. 

Nathan was always kind, goofy, very golden retriever-like. Summers spent apart created a rift, but he was your childhood best friend and crush once upon a time. If he was willing to help you out, you owed him big time. So you shoot him a text and cross your fingers that this is still his number. The last thing logged in your messages was a silly conversation about cheetahs versus jaguars. You were team cheetahs, obviously. 

You felt a slight sense of relief once you came up with a plan. Talk to Nathan. See if he can act as your fake boyfriend for your parents. See if he doesn’t think you’re damn crazy for concealing your forty-something-year-old fuck buddy. 

You’re not really sure how to reignite the conversation, it’s been so damn long. You stare at the blank screen before you craft the brilliant message: 

Hi

A sigh leaves your parted, anxious lips, and you shove your phone away. 

---

You really did bring a bathing suit, much to Joel’s eagerness for the rumor to be true. You change into it with your back turned to him. You feel his eyes boring holes into you, sending a small dash of goosebumps up your arms. “I’m going for a dip before bed.” You say as you fiddle with the strings of your bikini top, struggling for a moment before you feel a warm presence step in behind you and fuss away with the strings himself. 

You hum softly as he fastens the strings, making a bow at your midback. Joel’s lips brush against your shoulder before they start sponging gentle kisses up your neck. The hair you tied up into a loose bun tickles his nose. 

“Such’a pretty girl.” He hums against your skin, a soft shiver trickling up your spine, lips parting in pleasure. “Too bad you’re not a very good girl.” Joel murmured as his hands slipped lower, past your hips, past the curve of your ass, until he was cupping both cheeks in his large palms. You gasp at the sensation, feeling his fingers squeeze at your flesh. A moan escapes your lips, you just can’t help it. You love it when Joel is handsy for you, the needy one. 

You swallow the lump in your throat and turn in his arms, eagerly kissing him as you cup his cheeks. He fights for control instantly, pulling you in at your hips so your back arches backward out of habit. You let your head dip back, eyes dipping closed as his lips trail down your neck, then between the valley of your breasts, all while his wiry beard creates scratches in his wake. 

“Do you have swim trunks?” You ask breathily, shoving him lightly by the top of the head further down your body. He drops to his knees and continues to trail kisses down your stomach. 

The question catches him off guard.

“Do I- what?” He asks breathily, looking up at you as he sponges kisses over your clothed center. 

“If you don’t have swim trunks,” you try to continue, “you can’t go swimming with me.” You say with a teasing smirk, stepping around Joel, who was awestruck kneeling on the ground, his hands still in place where he was cupping the backs of your thighs before he slaps them down on his own to show annoyance. 

He was probably thinking how you just up and disappeared when you were just standing in front of him a moment ago. Joel grumbles something, but you’re already out the door of the motel room. 

---

The pool is glowing in its blue hue, lit by dim lights around the perimeter and the silver moon in the sky. 

In a world so vast, you couldn’t help but feel a little lost in wanting to explore it. 

You take a breath in through your nose and test the water with a dip of your toe. A bit cold for your liking, but the warm Texas summers make your skin sticky and the air a bit stale. So you dive in. 

The cool water is a shock to your system at first, with goosebumps growing on your skin like wildfire. Your face breaks the seal of the water, emerging over the light ripples you created upon diving in, catching your breath. You take a few leisurely laps along the outskirts, feeling weightless, free. 

“Nice night.” Joel’s brassy voice breaks the gentle chorus of the summer cicadas. You hum as you carve your way through the water until you meet the pool’s edge. You rest your arms on the lip of the pool, bringing your breasts just above the surface of the water. 

“Get. In.” You say with an authoritative voice, despite your eager smile. 

He cocks his head a few degrees to the right, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “No. You look like a shivering chihuahua.” 

His joke elicits a giggle from you. 

“It’s only cold for the first few minutes. You’ll warm up.” You’re only half-lying, the pool was so fucking cold. 

Joel merely shakes his head. “You’re crazy, buttercup.” 

You hum as you push off the edge of the pool, moving towards the center, letting the water dance around you as your arms glide back and forth to keep you afloat. 

“Sounds like you need some motivation.” Your eyes lock on Joel’s as your fingers navigate to the back of your bikini strings, slowly pulling the tie loose, feeling the water aid you in floating the material off your upper half. The top strings around your neck are still tied, concealing the full reveal of your breasts. 

Joel’s once secure face fizzled, eyes straying and lips parting. A soft sigh escapes his lips as he kneels down, pointer finger curling towards him impatiently.  “Get over here.”

You shake your head disobediently. “Now.” His barking urgency makes you stifle a smirk. 

“Joel Miller afraid of a little cold water.” You shrug and move your fingers to the strings tied behind your neck, slowly tugging loose the threads. The material falls limp into the water, floating in front of you free from your body. 

Joel watches with impatience, the spill of your breasts making his cock twitch inside his swim trunks. The mesh material was forgiving, allowing him to swell at the sight of you. The cold water has your nipples taut, drawn into sweet peaks. You’re just out of his fucking reach, too far into the pool for him to grab you. 

He grunts quietly, jaw tight as you slowly swim closer to him. You shiver at his glance alone. 

“If you want me,” your voice drops innocently, doe eyes making their appearance to reel him in, “you’ll get in the pool, Mr. Miller.” 

Just out of his reach once more, you swim back to the center and push your thumbs into the band of your bikini bottoms, down your legs, leaving you bare in the pool for anyone to see from the highway or their own motel rooms. You must admit, Joel’s desperate gaze filled with want makes you squirm with excitement. Disobeying him lights that explosive even more. 

He offers you his hand, one final offer.  “Last chance, angel, get out of the pool.” 

“Why do you even have swim trunks on if you aren’t going to get in?” You ask, eyes gazing over the tangled hair he has scattered across his chest. 

“I was hoping these would appease you alone. Now come here,” he juts his hand out as an offering one last time. 

You roll your eyes and swim closer, your breasts lapping in the water as you take Joel’s hand. And tug with all your strength. 

His feet skid to try and hold him back, but he ultimately summersaults into the pool. You cover your mouth with your hand, unable to conceal your laughs as Joel emerges, sopping wet, cold, angry. 

“Y-You-” He chatters his teeth, eyes screwed tight on you as he pushes his hand back through his soaked curls and down his face, grazing his wiry beard. “You’re gonna get it.” 

Joel’s threat makes you squeal. You attempt to doggy paddle away, but the grip he catches on your arm is iron.  He pulls you back to him, and your body glides through the water, arms securing on his biceps once you’re locked in his hold. He’s threatening, but not as much so when you wrap your legs around his waist and feel his half-hard length. 

You raise your eyebrow at him, and he half-chuckles. 

“Such a fuckin’ piece of work you are.” He grunts out, hands searing the flesh of your hips as he skirts his hand down lower, cupping the globes of your ass. 

A hum tickles your throat as you lean in and press your lips to his jawline in a tempting kiss, smiling as Joel’s nose playfully nudges yours, leaning in for more. 

It’s stomach-twisting how you feel so comfortable with Joel, how you sink into his body, and how he warms your core. You kiss him until your lips feel bruised, and he grips your beautiful curves with eagerness. The two of you kiss like hungry teenagers, finally outside the watchful eyeline of your parents. Joel’s cock is hardening against your naked core.

He forces himself off of you, groaning lightly as he strays from your eyes. Cupping his jawline, you angle him back to you, resting your foreheads together. 

“Makin’ me get all riled up like a damn teenager.” His warm breath puffs across your face, his words make your bundle of nerves tingle. 

“I like that I’m the one causing it.” 

Joel chews at the inside of his cheek before giving you a tight little nod. “Me too, buttercup.”

---

Joel decides pool play is over. He gets out first, snags your bikini pieces that floated to the edge of the pool and starts walking leisurely back into the motel room. 

He only hears your cursing and belligerent rambling after he returns from turning on the shower, piping hot. 

“Can’t hear ya when you’re chatterin’ your teeth.” 

Joel returns to the bathroom and strips his swim trunks off, still half-hard. He tests the water with his hand, giving you an affirming nod it was okay to step in. 

You’re still angry and seething, having to streak your way back to the room naked and freezing your bare ass off. He looks at your crossed arms and playfully tuts. “You’re the one that thought t’drag me in there with ya, princess.” 

Joel follows you into the shower, the water splashing searing hot droplets. It only feels that hot because you’re readjusting from the pool’s temperature. You find yourself huddling into Joel’s warmth. 

He finds it endearing, the way your head settles on his chest, your ear to his heart, too chilled to let him go. He angles the showerhead downwards, letting it focus on your body first. He could wait. 

You gently release your crossed arms, letting them wrap low around his hips. He had a few extra pounds of flesh low on his tummy and on the sides of his waist. You gently pinch the area and smile. 

“Stop that.” He hisses, eyebrows knitted together. 

“But I like it. You’re my favorite person to hug.” 

The sentiment splashed warmth on the back of his neck. Joel has picked up a few extra pounds from town barbeques, and beers tossed back during football games. He used to not like it, the way he had to loosen his belt after a big meal, or having to purchase his new t-shirts in a size up. He didn’t think about it much, but naked with you in the shower, feeling you admire his ever-changing body, was a comfort. 

You look up after a few moments of silence, setting your chin on his chest and feeling his chest hair graze against your skin. 

Joel wants to warm you up, get you to relax under the showerhead. He presses a nimble kiss to your lips, pitter-pattering kisses along the extent of your body before he is down on his knees, angling your back to rest against the shower wall. 

Tired after your car ride and melting under the shower’s sprinkling water, you ache for a relief that will come from your head hitting a pillow. But Joel had other things in mind, things that would make you forget you were tired in an instant. 

Now under his watchful eye, lips and wiry beard scratching at your soft skin, you lightly part your legs for his entrance. God, please don’t let me slip and embarrass myself right now. Let me have this one good thing, this man’s tongue against my pussy would make me a God-willing woman. 

Joel can feel your exhausted body, begging to find a bed. But he had you where he wanted you, and his mouth was watering to taste your sweet musky arousal. His hands settle themselves on the backs of your thighs, supporting your weight as his head leans into your warmth. 

He brings two fingers forward, parting your center, licking a slow draw up your core. His tongue flicks off your clit, your bundle of nerves twitches. Something flips in his stomach, and his cock grows heavy against his thigh. 

You taste sweet and serene, something he’s grown an appetite for. With several days apart awaiting your weekend trip away, he often found himself at night, spilling into his hand thinking about your young, beautiful pussy flushed against his mouth. He takes this opportunity to relish in you moaning his name, without any curious ears. 

His tongue sinks lower, swirling around your tense entrance. The swell of his tongue gushes more arousal from you, and he gets a proper taste that isn’t mixed with water from the shower. 

Joel’s grip on your thigh tightens, and he laps at your clit like a famished man. 

The constant flicks have you gasping for air in the all-too-warm shower. Your fingers weave into his soaking wet curls, still finding a grip as your thigh twitches against his hand. 

Joel’s two fingers parting your center gently massage at your entrance, wiggling in gently as he suckles on your clit, and you mewl weakly. 

His tongue and teeth lightly graze your sensitivity, feeling stars clouding your vision as his fingers set a gentle pace. 

“Ooh,” you sigh weakly, feeling his fingers hit the perfect spot, one that makes you shake. 

Joel knows that sound, knows the feeling. He looks up, admires the way your pretty lips are parted in bliss. The hand on your thigh is brought to your stomach, gently stroking over the flesh. 

You watch him a little curiously, a little fucked. His mouth returns to your clit, but his hand still falters on your lower abdomen. You whimper as he adds a little pressure, and quickens his fingers. It’s jaw-dropping, the friction and pressure, piling on top of each other.

You gulp. “Joel-”, it’s almost in a warning tone. “I don’t- fuck, it feels-” 

“Uh-huh,” Joel murmurs against your core, nodding gently, grazing his nose against your clit in the process before his warm mouth tightens around your clit. And he suckles. 

You cry out, walls clenching around his fingers as he milks an orgasm from you. You damn near crumble, but he tightens the hold on your hip to keep you afloat. 

“There ya go, princess, come on my fingers,” he grunts, jaw tight, and teeth clenched as he watches your cum-arousal mixture glide down his fingers in a sticky mess. He slowly stands, watching you pant for air, as he sucks his digits clean with an evil smirk. 

The temperature in here is too much, heat consumes your body as you weakly grip his biceps. 

“God damn, Mr. Miller.” You say breathlessly. You take him in a quick kiss, moaning weakly into his mouth at your taste. His tongue tangles with you, and he keeps his fingers on your core. His first two fingers start to slowly circle your clit again, but it’s entirely too soon. 

You whimper weakly into his mouth, your clit aching and still recovering from your oral orgasm. 

“Mmm- can’t do it, Joel.” 

Joel snarls as he swiftly turns you around, his foot hitting the insides of both of your ankles to spread your legs. Your face is plastered against the shower wall, watching him out of the corner of your eye with your jaw dropped. 

“Be good for me, baby girl, show how thankful you are.” 

You whine at his raspy voice, feeling its timbre bounce against the walls. 

“Please,” you beg in a whisper, inching your feet farther apart for him to take you in the shower. 

Joel strokes his cock, seething through his teeth at the desperate relief he’s feeling. His swollen tip vies for your attention. He lines himself up, his other hand on your hip as he notches himself inside. 

You visibly flinch away, Joel hushing you softly as he tries again. 

“Gotta relax for me, pretty girl.”

You sigh weakly and let yourself melt with the warm water, fluttering your eyes closed as you gently jut your hips back into this, needing to be filled. 

Joel tries again after lining his tip up and down your slit and gathering your arousal. He notches inside of you once more, causing your eyelashes to flutter. He slowly presses on. 

The drinks must have really loosened you up since the last time the two of you fooled around in his truck. He wasn’t so hard to take then, but now he feels thicker, rounder. You could feel the thick vein on the underside of his cock as he ruts his hips into your ass. 

Finally, you will yourself to breathe, moaning his name in desperation. 

Joel’s trying to contract his lungs, but you’re gripping onto him so tight, the heat of the shower going to his head. 

You hum and purposely grip your walls around him, squeezing for his last breath. 

Joel snarls and smacks your ass from below, watching the fatty flesh jiggle. It stings, but you like it, thinking about his large handprint marking you red. He winds his hips back up and presses in, groaning lowly as he fills you to the brim. 

He sets a decent pace, one that robs you of what air you have left in your lungs. Your entire body feels sensitive, your cheek growing sore from being fucked against the shower wall. But it feels entirely too good, a certain itch that only Joel Miller can scratch. 

Every thrust he makes, you moan his name like a broken record. “Joel, Joel, Joel,” you moan and grunt it so much, that it starts to sound like it’s not a real word anymore. 

You reach back an arm blindly, gripping his bicep and stitching your nails into his skin. 

Joel grunts out weakly, the burning sensation you caused on his arm making him go wild. He reaches for both of your wrists and plants them at the base of your back, forcing your face to be your only weight to keep you up against the shower. 

But it unlocks a new angle, one that has you crying out curses and his heavenly name. 

“Fuck me, Joel, fuck- fuck your favorite little pussy,” you mewl out, feeling his cock twitch inside you. 

“God dammit, fuck me good like that, like that,” your eyes clench close, panting heavily. “Right there, daddy, please, Mr. Miller, touch my clit, please,” you beg, the pet name rolling off your tongue. 

It makes him snarl. He sets a hellish pace. His chest puffs up, his broad biceps locking around you as his fingers stroke over your pussy. 

He loves the way you wind him up. Because you are his favorite young pussy, one he’s made his own, railing you so good that you forget about anyone else that may have had you before. 

All you know is Joel Miller. 

His thighs and lower tummy smack your ass cheeks, a distinct slapping sound filling the shower and pinging off the walls right back into your ears. 

Stars flutter behind your eyes, you feel light-headed. The water splashes warm across your back, allowing Joel even more slip. 

The harder he fucks you, the closer he moves in. Now he has his entire torso flushed against your back, flicking his hips up into you with precision. 

Suddenly he’s grabbing your leg by the underside of your knee, hiking it up, and planting it against the shower wall as he exposes a whole new sensation. 

You can’t last any longer. His fingers circle dangerously around your clit, and now he’s pounding you into the wall, forcing friction against his glorious thrusts. You whimper loudly as his tip kisses your cervix repeatedly, feeling your walls clench around him as you come. 

It’s jaw-dropping, heart-surging, mind-fucking how good he feels coming inside of you. It’s warm, warmer than the water still raining over you. It’s comforting the way his seed spreads throughout your core, his grunts filling the shower as he drops his last load inside of you. 

And goddamn, he loves how you milk him dry. 

You weakly slide down the wall, tiredly dropping your leg once he pulls out. 

“No ya’don’t.” Joel quickly says, snagging a strong arm around your waist and hauling you up. You whimper as he peels your face off the wall, blinking rapidly as he spins you to face him. “C’mere.” Joel embraces you, and you lean weakly into his front like a bear hug. 

“Water,” you whisper against his pec. He turns the shower temperature down, a more comforting heat surrounding you now. 

“You’re alright.” He assures. 

After time to recuperate, Joel reaches for the shampoo bottle, squirting a small amount into his palm and lathering it between his hands. You feel a little better standing, but you still stay wrapped up in his arms, in his hug. 

He massages the shampoo into your locks, gently massaging it against your scalp, before he gently washes the bubbles out. He gathers conditioner next, letting it soak into your ends.

You hide your smile against his chest, knowing that he probably had to learn this type of stuff for Sarah. Hair care, skin care, tampons and pads, all the sort of stuff single dads fear. You wonder whatever could have been in Sarah’s mother’s mind to leave a guy like Joel Miller. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but he seemed to fit into your life like a glove right now. For however long that perfect fit would be.

A weak sigh leaves your lips as he strokes your head sweetly, his fingers then grazing your cheek. 

“Y’alright? Feel good?” 

You nod weakly and smile, letting your arms drop gently as you pull away. “M’tired.”

Joel stifles a chuckle and nods. “Me too, baby. Sit tight.” 

Once Joel is assured you’re not going to lose your strength standing up on your own, he shuts off the water and steps out of the shower, wrapping his towel low on his waist. You gaze at the lines around his hips, and how they dip down into his towel. 

You clear your throat as you quickly look away once he approaches you with two towels. He wraps one around your shoulders, gently moving his warm hands up and down the sides of your arms. 

You look so sweet, warm and cozy, cum-filled, at ease. The stress he usually sees you carrying around is wiped away. He hoped he had something to do with it. 

Joel leans down and presses a light kiss to your lips. Not hungry, not desperate, not chasing. Delicate. Assuring. 

You smile tiredly and shyly evade his eye contact, something that he hates to admit is goddamn adorable on you. 

Both of you towel dry off any remaining droplets of water. Joel forces you to show him how you even get the towel you wrap around your hair on your head. 

“This is girlhood, Joel Miller.” You say once you secure it on, watching him shake his head in disbelief. 

“A mystery to me.” He says with a boyish grin.

You both exit the steamy bathroom and search your bags for pajamas. You packed a few comfy shirts for bed. And only one extra pair of panties. You better be damn careful with your one last sacred pair. You toss it back into your pack for now, deciding that they would probably be taken off in the morning anyway. You slip under the covers of Joel’s bed, saving him a space you hope he fills. Of course, he does. 

Joel flips off the light switch, indulging the room in a black and blue hue. He grunts quietly as he slips into the covers. The both of you just melt into the mattress. 

You nuzzle into his side, and he wraps an arm around your shoulders. He makes gentle circles into your back as your phone buzzes on the nightstand. You sigh and turn your back to Joel to retrieve it from the charger. 

“Your parents askin’ if we made it okay?” Joel murmurs tiredly, eyes closed, waiting for you to return to his side. 

Your breath catches in your throat. It’s a text message from Nathan. 

Hey stranger

“Yeah,” you lie, your fingers gliding across the keyboard to configure a response. “They uh.. They’re tellin’ me to not bug you too much on the trip.” You awkwardly chuckle, your back still turned to him as you stare at Nathan’s message. 

Joel dryly chuckles as he reaches a hand out and settles it on your hip. “Quite the opposite.”

You feel terrible concealing this from Joel. But you don’t want him to think you were young and foolish letting your secret fling slip. This was to make things work, to keep the secret buried from your parents.

Another message from Nathan makes your phone buzz in your hand.

Heard you’re in Danbury for the summer with your folks. Wanna catch up? 

Your heart sits in your throat, shocked by his ask. 

You flip over your phone, opting to reply in the morning. You’re beat. You sigh weakly and return to Joel’s side, hiding your face in his shoulder as you gently kiss along the muscle. He was already passed out. 

As messy as this felt, being with Joel felt like being tossed a life jacket in open water. And you weren’t going to lose that safety, not if you could help it.

---

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[massivecore13]

gameswillbeplayed​:

@massivecore13 , idk whats going on with notifs for posts atm so just double checking you get this ^^;

Before he knows what’s going on, Matt gets dragged to the table he was planning to escape from. So much for sneaking out unnoticed. Or finishing up his drink, for that matter. Matt throws a glare at Rue, unconsciously touches his vest pocket that hides a small pistol in it.

Should have known better than to chat to interesting looking strangers.

“Heeyyy, John wazzit?” A weak grin and a slightly raised hand for a greeting doesn’t get him far, and the other guy throws Matt a dirty look equal to the one Rue got from the ugly jacket guy. “I hope Asim’s trial’s gonna be fine,” he continues before he can help himself, and John jumps out of his chair, grabs Matt by the collar.

“It’s your fault he got caught,” the other growls and Matt raises both his hands in surrender, attempts to take a step back but the other man tightens his grip, and Rue’s arm behind him isn’t helping either. At the corner of his eye he can see the nearby tables quieting down and focusing on the entertainment at hand. Some of the staff is conveniently cleaning the floors and the tables not far away, the tasers poking from their aprons. Matt has seen fights happen here before, and he’d rather not be at the receiving end of the pub owner’s wrath.

“Look, I’m sorry, I was just doin’ my job,” he replies, glares at Rue again, just because. “No hard feelings, yea? Anyway, we were just ‘boutta leave, right?” And he pats Rue on the back, nods towards the doors. Take the hint Rue. Please.

There's a nice stench of alcohol and sweat when John's scowl is about two inches away from B and Matt's faces. Probably the man hasn't had a decent bath in a long while... Beyond can't blame him for that -prisoners don't have the privilege of hot showers and scented shampoo like any civil person in the whole world.

"Oh, it's so touching to see a reunion between two old friends, isn't it?" Beyond grins widens as his grip around Matt's waist tightens to such an extent he can feel the shivering pulsing of anxiety through his jacket.

Pushed by the mere curiosity of the unknown, he doesn't waste time pushing his unfortunate new friend in the devil's maw - blatantly ignoring the fact John is inclined to crash Matt's bones to play Shanghai with them.

A waiter circles their tables with an air of resignation, the expression of whos' seen fights happening at least twice a week and knows the police's number by heart. Might it be the proximity of the pub to some criminals' private clubs, but the place is doomed.

And another catastrophe is soon to start when, ignoring any of Matt's desperate hints, B clutches the gun hidden in the guy's vest pocket and jumps on the table.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Time freezes in the split of a few seconds, all eyes on Beyond and the weapon in his hand, now pointed at John's head. "My friend said he was sorry, don'tcha hear him?" John glares back at him, teeth clenching but doesn't move; he's heard enough of this crazy man who unsuccessfully set himself on fire that one never knows what he's up to. "Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalms, verses 35:5. Never spared some times reading the Bible?"

The stench of alcohol and sweat mingles with the sweet aroma of metal and tension, a cocktail Beyond somehow missed and reminds him of old experiments.

Yet- too booooring for the first night out.

A sequence of red numbers fleet all around him again, reminding him a lot of people is going to die that night. And probably not on his hand - well, if Matt was willing to help... But he doesn't look like doing it after all.

"And oh, Asim's trial went shit by the way, because he was sentenced to death instead of me."

A cacophony of different sounds - glasses being crashed, chairs kicked down on the floor, and yells and punches - explodes as soon as Beyond shoots at the ceiling, aiming at the chandelier, and jumps in the shocked crowd, making somehow his way out taking Matt along with him.

@gameswillbeplayed

@massivecore13 , idk whats going on with notifs for posts atm so just double checking you get this ^^;

Before he knows what’s going on, Matt gets dragged to the table he was planning to escape from. So much for sneaking out unnoticed. Or finishing up his drink, for that matter. Matt throws a glare at Rue, unconsciously touches his vest pocket that hides a small pistol in it.

Should have known better than to chat to interesting looking strangers.

“Heeyyy, John wazzit?” A weak grin and a slightly raised hand for a greeting doesn’t get him far, and the other guy throws Matt a dirty look equal to the one Rue got from the ugly jacket guy. “I hope Asim’s trial’s gonna be fine,” he continues before he can help himself, and John jumps out of his chair, grabs Matt by the collar.

“It’s your fault he got caught,” the other growls and Matt raises both his hands in surrender, attempts to take a step back but the other man tightens his grip, and Rue’s arm behind him isn’t helping either. At the corner of his eye he can see the nearby tables quieting down and focusing on the entertainment at hand. Some of the staff is conveniently cleaning the floors and the tables not far away, the tasers poking from their aprons. Matt has seen fights happen here before, and he’d rather not be at the receiving end of the pub owner's wrath.

“Look, I’m sorry, I was just doin’ my job,” he replies, glares at Rue again, just because. “No hard feelings, yea? Anyway, we were just ‘boutta leave, right?” And he pats Rue on the back, nods towards the doors. Take the hint Rue. Please.

[dinosaurtsukki]

falling in love with sigma (and everything that comes after)

anon: Can you do a sigma scenario of where him and his S/o first meet,them falling in love spending time together,and maybe some nsfw(if you write it you don’t gotta-)

anon: Can you do a sigma crushing on S/o scenario:)

a/n: i felt like this was a pretty general request so i'll write something pretty general too which i don't mind hehe i miss writing reqs like this also sorry i don't write smut

first meeting:

you both met up in the casino because he kind of never leaves that place and you had a job as a bartender in one of the many bars inside the sky casino

it was quite a busy job but you were paid quite well because sigma is a Cool CEO so you've been working at that same place for about a month already

and yet you've never met the sky casino's owner himself though you've seen him making his rounds quite a bit (he's hard to miss)

and then one time, you were working the night shift at the bar dealing with a very drunk and difficult customer

you were trying your best to keep your cool and hold a conversation with him when like a knight in shining armor, mister casino owner himself appeared

it kind of astounded you seeing sigma be so civil with the guy and even offering a refund and free drink that he could take to his room

then when the customer finally leaves you can hear (very clearly i made add) sigma say 'well, he was an asshole'

hearing your outwardly polite boss say that got you holding-onto-the-counter-to-brace-yourself-laughing and sigma has a little smile on his face because yay he made a joke

seeing as he was already there, he decided to take a break and order a drink and the two of you ended up talking

sigma is often very stiff when talking to people but he feels himself noticeably relax while talking to you

and thus begins his routine of visiting the bar where you work whenever he has some time off

falling for you:

i think since sigma is quite new with human experiences he'd fall quite hard for you but be very confused about what he was feeling

he's definitely the type to go on yahoo answers all 'i feel weird around this one person and i don't understand why is there something wrong?'

it takes a week of reading romance novels for him to get that italicized, soft 'oh' moment

but now he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings because he's almost certain that you wouldn't feel the same way for him

but that doesn't stop him from doing little things for you like bringing you leftover cake from the dessert buffet or some hand lotion when you complained about your skin being dry from having to wash them constantly

you can definitely tell something's up but you don't want to ruin the good relationship you have right now with your boss who ended up being a really good friend

but the moment happens when the two of you are engaged in conversation again at the usual bar. you don't drink on the job but sigma let you stay and use the space after hours

both of you are just slightly tipsy and laughing at something you said and sigma accidentally lets slip 'that's why i like you so much' before he can register it

**cue the awkward stares**

sigma will probably drop his glass and try to run away so this a great time for you to yell out your feelings before he leaves

and man does he stop in his tracks

"you're... not joking right?" "why would i be joking??"

sigma decides it's the perfect time for him to ask you out but he stumbles over his words and he's so nervous but hearing you giggle and say 'yes' sends his heart flying

(finally) dating:

god i'd forfeit all mortal possessions to go on one (1) date with sigma because he sure knows what he's doing

he'll take you to a fancy dinner in the sky casino's best restaurant with a view overlooking yokohama

all of his planning is to the very last detail because he just wants the night to go perfectly and he is stressing more than a little bit because it's also his first date

sigma probably just realized he forgot to change when he's picking you up for dinner but too late lol

okay but when he sees how beautiful you look in the outfit he brought for you all of his worries just melt away UwU

he's such a gentleman though giving flowers on your first date and giving you a chaste kiss on the cheek at the end of the night

then he'll walk away a few paces before walking back and going 'can i kiss you too?'

please say yes

**insert clip of sigma with his red, flustered face buried in his pillow when he's finally alone in his room**

both of you are quite busy though but make time to go on a date at least once a week

the best dates though are the ones that are outside of the sky casino

i feel like sigma would prefer one of those calm cafe dates just to get him out of the hectic space of the casino also this man needs to touch grass

he enjoys park dates quite a bit and doing some people watching though not in the creepy way because it just calms him down and takes his mind off things

your dates slowly progress to more chill, at-home dates where you're more comfortable with each other

if you make him a meal he will love you so much it just feels so personal to him

in conclusion: dating sigma is a 10/10 experience, must recommend

▸ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ◂

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[twilightprince101]

It’s been a while since I’ve drawn, much less created a new OC! But recently I’ve succumbed to Bugsnax brainrot, so introducing Brandy Brittleshoot!

Brandy is a freelance writer and editor, working on several different projects at once before coming to Snaktooth Island. Alongside decently good hearing he has an intense curiosity for the world, often experimenting with different Snakified limbs to get inspiration for his latest story! (Just be prepared if you ask them about it, you’ll be stuck there ‘till nightfall).

I also filled out an interview prompt of him under the cut from @cosmicheartz , so check that out if you’re interested and feel free to shoot any asks about them! I’d love to talk a bit more about my newest character!

Who are you?

I’m Brandy Brittleshoot, I’m a freelance writer! Editing articles, typing out scripts, writing for dating sims, I’ve done a lot!

( How long have you been writing for? )

How long? Hehe, honestly I can’t even remember. One of my earliest memories was me writing an alternate ending to a book that had a crummy finale. I was so upset and whined so loud at a last minute plot twist that my dad sat me down in front of a notebook with a pencil so he could focus on his work. Though, I don’t think he expected me to actually write something decent! Never underestimate the power of an upset fan!!

( Anything in particular you’re writing now? )

Oh a handful of things! I have like, a million story ideas sitting on the backburn, but right now? I’m outlining a story idea I got for my latest novel! The details are a little hazy right now, but it’s all about an island of shapeshifters who can change into whatever they want. But of course, in a world like that there’d be lots of chaos if there were just like, a bunch of dragons flying around everywhere (who wouldn’t want to be a dragon) so there’s the government trying to limit it somewhat and there’s this one girl who-! Oh, grump! Sorry, um, still working on that.

Why come to Snacktooth island?

Oh Lizbert’s to thank for that! A while back I helped with putting out her story about Grumplantis! She saw a bit of the work I was doing at the time and, for some reason, decided I should help her out! Still have no idea why she chose me to help edit especially considering I was writing Grumpus Croft fan fiction at the time, but to think I’d get to help publish official findings about a lost civilization!!! I didn’t even care about the money, just the thought of working together with an explorer like that is just-!

( *Ahem…* But, what about Snacktooth? )

Oh right, that! Well, long story short she thought the work I did was good and invited me to come along as a way to say thanks since she didn’t exactly have the funds to pay for my work. Obviously I couldn’t pass up an opportunity that big, getting firsthand experience with an actual adventurer! So I dropped what I was doing, packed up and came right along with her!

Thoughts on bugsnax?

Duuude, okay. So imagine me, a writer who absolutely loves fantasy, lands on this island and finds out that fantasy actually exists! And is edible!!! I get to know what fantasy tastes like!!! This whole island is walking through one big fantasy novel and I have gotten nothing but inspiration since I’ve gotten here, it’s amazing!

( What does fantasy taste like? )

Okay, it’s like--actually, hang on, it would be faster if I just read this excerpt I wrote down a bit ago instead of trying to explain. *ahem.* ‘Upon the first bite of the plump and crispy Bunger, a dazzling fireworks show of flavor cascades into my mouth and paints a nova onto my taste buds. Each crunch a new explosion, a new flavor, a new color streaming across the sky’s canvas and dazzling me like a nova-’ oop, put nova twice there… ‘-Dazzling me like a child’s first glimpse at the night sky’s expanse! A symphony of crackles for me to experience alone, and by the time the last stream of light fizzled out, I’m ready to light the fuse for an encore.’ And that was just for the Bungers!

Why did you leave town?

Hoooh boy okay, bit of a loaded question there… After Lizbert and Batternugget vanished I tried to keep calm and keep doing what I was doing, wait for them to get back. But as the Bugsnax ran out and people got hungry, it was a bit hard to keep doing that… especially with all the noise...

( You’re referring to the fight? )

More or less yeah. I could hear pretty much everything from inside my cabin: Everyone ganging up against Cromdo, Chandlo calming down Snorpy from a panic attack, Filbo doing his best to keep everything together (can’t blame the guy for trying). Good hearing is both a blessing and a curse I guess… but the worst no doubt was Wiggle.

( What was up with Wiggle? )

Well, I do like her music, don’t get me wrong. But since coming to the island I can’t exactly handle being in the same room with her. She tried getting me to write her some song lyrics for exposure, kept peeking at my writing notes to steal my ideas, and worst of all, she stress yodels. And around the time the two vanished, she certainly had a lot of time to practice. I already couldn’t handle the fighting, but her singing was the last straw, so I slipped out in the middle of the night before I had to hear another note. Erm... you don't think she'll sue me for defamation if you put this in your story, will she?

Any info on Lizbert?

Duuude, Lizbert is no doubt the coolest person I know--probably ever! It’s like she jumped right out of an action movie and I could actually talk with her! She was really nice, telling me about a lot of her previous adventures in her free time and supporting me when I was going through writer’s block. Of course, she wasn’t around too much when she was out hunting snax, but Doctor Batternugget was around!

( Did you and Doctor B.N. get along? )

Yeah Miss Nugget was really nice! She was usually quiet when Lizbert wasn’t around, but after keeping her company one day and helping her sort supplies we got to talk a lot. She even volunteered to read some of my story drafts in her downtime--without me asking first too!! Plus, she also was a good resource to go to when I was writing about… more graphic details regarding Grumpus anatomy. I know a lot of people say that they might not come back, but I know they’re out there somewhere I know it! I mean come on, an adventurous explorer and her nurse girlfriend? That just SCREAMS main character plot armor! Plus, it would seriously suck if I finally find people eager to read my work on their own, then they just vanish from my life altogether… Please be okay Miss Batternugget…

Tape’s almost dry Brandy, gotta wrap this up soon!

Oh thanks for the interview! First one I’ve ever gotten, certainly a learning experience! (Maybe I could make a story entirely using interviews, that could be cool). I’m just sorry for talking your ear off. Hey, I know you’re kind of a solo worker from watching you run around, but if you’d like I can try and help with editing this story when you head back to the mainland. Free of charge too, I know you guys at GNN aren’t exactly treated the best. Not to mention it would look really good on both our resumes if we collaborated for this kinda story!

[jasperwhitcock]

05. FAMILY FEUD

surprise, bitches. bet you thought you’d seen the last of me. why do i update my fic always a month apart. sorry!! i’m always working on it, i just write really long chapters... anyways, here is chapter five of my bella as a vampire and edward as a human fanfic inspired by an au that @bellasredchevy​ posted. you can read the new chapter on AO3 or here. i post updates on AO3 or on tumblr using the #equinoxjw tag.

i've incorporated some quotes from midnight sun because obviously this is still something of a parallel to midnight sun & i wanted to stay true to some of the reactions. also, you may recognize a little blurb imbedded here that i've written before about the bookshelf hehe. hope yall enjoy ♡♡♡

The weight of the battle I was fighting within myself was beginning to surpass the previous toll it’d taken on me. Every moment since I met Edward, it seemed I was falling further down into an abyss that I couldn’t climb out of, and every time I felt like maybe I’d found my grip, I only fell further. Again, I was frustrated as I sat outside Edward’s house in Carlisle’s Mercedes, watching the hazy, obscure sun slip further away behind the blackened clouds, leaving me shrouded in the darkness of a midday storm and the cover of pouring rain. I felt partially guilty for not returning Carlisle’s car. He wouldn’t mind running home, but Esme might not be too pleased about the puddles his drenched clothing would leave on her newly installed flooring. Although after today, it might not matter anymore.

I wondered what I’d return home to. Would they have already finished packing up our belongings? Would they be waiting to confront me about the consequences of my actions? Carlisle was forgiving, but would the rest of my family be?

For those reasons, I wasn’t ready to return home yet. But mostly, I was hesitant to drive away because I knew the moment my tires left Edward’s street would be the moment I’d be leaving him behind in Forks. I felt unprepared for the finality of such a moment.

When I heard the soft purr of an engine turning onto the street around one in the afternoon, I sighed, shifting the car into drive and moving forward to the end of the road in case it was Edward’s father returning home. I watched in my rearview mirror as the silver vehicle confirmed my suspicions by pulling into Edward’s driveway. Although the darkness of the thunderstorm’s gloom brewing in the clouds did little to obscure my eyesight, the torrent of rain pounding down relentlessly onto the green earth was too thick for even my eyes to catch a good glimpse of his face.

I could stay and listen – hear the voice of his father and compare it to the quality of Edward’s low, soft timbre, see if Edward’s sincerity in sticking to my version of events was genuine, check if he was truly as alright as he insisted – but maybe I was only looking for reasons to avoid heading home. Or maybe I was just being unforgivably invasive.

I glanced at the digital clock. 1:05. If they had stayed in their classes after the accident, there was still another hour and forty minutes before my siblings would be released from school. If they went home early, then Carlisle still wouldn’t be home for another two hours and twenty five minutes. I decided I’d rather not be there without Carlisle, so I lifted my foot off the break, slammed on the gas, and headed for Port Angeles before I realized where I was going.

As I left Forks behind me, the rain softened to a more consoling pitter patter on the roof of the car, and the clouds, although still grey, were lighter, hinting at the hidden sun. I made it to Port Angeles in under half an hour, luckily finding the roads to be mostly empty.

I drove at an appropriate speed once I reached the city. It was surprisingly beautiful scenery for such a disastrous day. It had snowed the night before here as well, but the melted snow hadn’t refrozen into ice. Instead, the tops of the buildings were covered in a thin layer of fluffy white snowflakes. The clouds above were thick enough to conceal me from the sun but held no implications of oncoming rain.

I located a parking spot near my favorite old brick building and paid the meter for the next few hours. The air was even more wintry here than in Forks as the harbor air brought in fresh, freezing ocean spray. There was a bookstore I liked to go to here in Port Angeles. Even as a child, Forks didn’t have an adequate library or bookstore to satiate my needs. My previous grievances with the rainforest of a city aside, there was always the silver lining of the bookstore.

If there was one thing that I looked forward to when arriving in the otherwise detestable small town of Forks in the rainy state of Washington, it was returning to the familiar mahogany of the sturdy bookshelf in the tiny living room of Charlie’s small, two-story house. It had been a gift – a homecoming gesture – in hopes to put me in better spirits when I was forced to spend my summers with my father. He knew how I had disliked his gloomy town just as my mother had. A friend from the reservation, Billy Black’s, young, cheerful son built the bookshelf himself. Billy had dismissed Charlie’s offers to pay his son for the service, insisting he accept it as a present in return for all the nights Billy stole away to the Swan Residence (Swan, the last name I held as a human) to watch the game on Charlie’s much larger – though not by much – television screen. When he hadn’t been looking, Charlie slipped a small wad of cash to Billy’s kid who excitedly accepted it, eager to save for some other projects.

Over time, the book shelf became a home for some of my favorite classic novels. On his days off, when his friend Harry Clearwater was unavailable for a fishing trip, he’d picked up books of all kinds, hoping I would find at least one I liked in the overflowing collection. The bookshelf was stuffed with paperbacks and hardbacks, lining each ledge edge to edge with books piling horizontally on top of the other books as space began to run out. It was a gesture that moved me in ways I was unused to and ways I couldn’t find the words to express.

When I was in town, Charlie drove me to some of the larger cities surrounding his small town and waited patiently as I perused the shelves of second-hand book stores. Smart as he was, he wasn’t a very articulate man, struggling to convey the depth of his emotions through words. But something in his eyes betrayed the way his heart overflowed with pride and adoration watching his small, gangly daughter enter into a world of her own as she searched for her next favorite story to add to their beloved bookshelf. It was a look I caught that sometimes made me feel embarrassed and shy by the profundity of the love in it, but now a look that I’d always remember. A look that would always make my unbeating heart feel somehow full and empty at the same time. Intense feelings of love and sadness for what I’d once had and since lost. This bookstore was our favorite, and therefore, it would always be my favorite. It still held the aged charm of the past, but they made some modern improvements in desperation for relevance today. I’d made sure to keep the store open with anonymous donations. Too many independent bookstores suffered in such a competitive, unfair market full of large online distributors.

I listened to the familiar hum of the glowing red neon sign in the window as I reached for the door. A bell above let out a peal of rings as I entered, and the clerk behind the wooden counter looked up beneath her large glasses. Her skin was deeply tan with olive undertones and her dark hair was cropped in a perfect line above her shoulders. Her eyes registered shock upon seeing my face, her heart rate picked up, and she stuttered over her words. “W-welcome!”

“Thank you,” I smiled softly, though finding the politeness to be difficult today. I didn’t want to come across rude or threatening, but feigning anything resembling joy was especially exhausting. I kept my voice gentle and even so as not to alarm the woman.

“Let me know if you need any help!” She called after me as I passed the counter, heading deeper into the store.

The shop was unpopulated at this time of day. Only a few people loitered here and there examining the shelves or curled up on loveseats with hot coffee cups to recover from the chill of the outdoors.

I crossed over the entirety of the first floor, finding the concealed narrow staircase that led to the upstairs. Tasting the air, I could tell there was nobody immediately near me, so I flew up the staircase at a more reasonable speed though I was in no hurry. The second floor was a brown labyrinth, the bookshelves placed in a way to create an intimate maze with countless little crevices to slip into and hide away from the rest of the world. Hardbacks and paperbacks piled the shelves and walls from the floor to the ceiling. The air was filled with the scents of crispy paper, aged ink, and the sweet, musky smell of older books. The lighting was warm reddish-orange, dull, and not ideal for reading despite the setting, but a miscellaneous mélange of lamps in all shapes and sizes embellished the spaces tucked between the bookcases, generating enough brightness to read in tiny, personal pools of light.

I weaved a path through the maze until I reached a dead-end corner with a single, wine-colored armchair in a faded leather. An ornate wooden plaque spray painted gold with eroded edges was drilled into the shelf behind the chair, the words “For Charlie” engraved into the pallet. Well, my donations were mostly anonymous.

No matter how many times I rounded this corner, every time my eyes fell on the empty chair hit me like a wrecking ball with nearly unmanageable grief. Any attempt to decipher the thoughts that came with this always led me to simplistic statements because that was all that I could ever handle. It was too much emptiness, too much numbness, too much complexity. It was always simply too much. And that was about all the conclusions I could come to no matter how much gentleness and coaxing Esme, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle comforted me with. It was always easier to push away the thought, to avoid thinking too much than to acknowledge the hole in my chest. Some days I almost forget, and some days it becomes seemingly ever present. It was always easier to ignore the gravity of the grief.

But in this life with the absoluteness of what we are, all we can do is to go on. One next step at a time. As much as I felt so much stronger and accustomed to this life, there was no denying the simple truth – there is so much loss in immortality.

I sighed. Even with all of our physical resilience, the extremities of our emotions in this form was enough to be tiring. I took steps forward and turned to sink into the chair, feeling very small. Looking out at the warmth of the bookcases and the endless array of novels, I thought of what it would be like to be Charlie sitting here, watching his awkward daughter run her finger along all the spines or disappear into the maze only to be found on the floor somewhere surrounded by piles of books.

Sometimes being here I could feel the ghost of Charlie’s love. The intensity that he couldn’t quite always communicate and that I didn’t always understand the extent of. But here, I could feel it. And I felt the same love for him in return. I missed him. His thick mustache, the sudden youthfulness in his warm, brown eyes when he smiled, the endearing crinkles that reminded me of his age. The coffee rings on the table, and the snow chains on my tires. The flush of red under his translucent skin when he was angry or embarrassed. Just like how my skin had been. Like father, like daughter.

I wondered what he’d think of my life now, and what he’d think of what I’d done today. Knowing the circumstances of the secrets I was meant to keep, would he have thought I’d done the right thing as Carlisle had? Or would he have thought I interfered and placed my siblings at risk like the rest of my family might think? I think that despite the consequences, he would have said something like, “you did the right thing, kid.” And maybe he’d even uncomfortably ask me about whether or not this boy was someone he should be keeping his eye on and would be immensely relieved when I reassured him that the answer was no. The thought almost made me smile. So then, I couldn’t bring myself to regret my decisions, and I wouldn’t allow myself to.

I sat there in the weathered leather of the chair for some time, listening to the subtle dragging of pages sliding off of shelves, the whoosh of air and the crispy rustle of paper as someone turned a page, the heaviness of footsteps on dead pieces of floorboard, the twinkle of the bell above the front door, and the whisper of the frozen wind rushing inside. After an hour, I stirred, rising from Charlie’s chair to trace my finger along the edges of the shelves, the action stirring up some dust particles to leap into the air like dandelion seeds, the warm light catching them in astonishing ways as they floated along. I left my little nook briefly to find the right section that would hold the book I was suddenly searching for.

When I located it, I plucked the gently used novel off the shelf, vowing to officially mend my own copy at home since it was the same story that Emmett had destroyed the morning of the first day I saw Edward.

I returned to the armchair, once again sinking down into the burgundy, and flipped through the aged pages until I found the place I left off at.

I’d have read until closing time, but eventually something in the unreliability of initial appearances in Pride and Prejudice began to bother me in a way that it never had before. I gave up on the book and instead sat unthinking – or attempting to, at least– quietly for a few hours.

Again, I longed to sleep. I’d never needed an escape as much as I did now as my mind was becoming too tiring a place to consciously be.

After some time, I heard creaky footsteps on the ancient wood up the stairs and the jingling sound of keys hitting each other. I waited patiently as they approached, imagining where exactly they may be in the labyrinth as they turned corners and hesitated to quietly shove stray books back onto shelves. They drew closer, closing in the distance between them and my little nook, finally rounding the corner.

“Oh!” The clerk from downstairs gasped in surprise, dropping the book in her hand. I stopped myself from saving it to not startle her any further with sudden movements, allowing it to clatter noisily to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, only then rising from the chair to lean down and collect the novel after an appropriate amount of reaction time. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

The clerk’s heart boomed loudly in her chest. “No, no, it’s alright!” She laughed breathlessly, a hand fluttering to her heart. “I just didn’t think anyone else was here... We’re, uh, sorry, we’re closed!”

“Oh, I’m sorry again,” I laughed softly as well to relax her, extending my hand to offer her the book she’d dropped. “I must have lost track of time.”

“That’s okay! It happens more often than you think...” she laughed again, her heart rate slowing down to a more regular place, though now that she recovered from the shock, her face was mesmerized by the oddness of my jarringly perfect appearance.

“I’ll leave now,” I smiled politely, pushing the book forward to her hand, careful not to touch her skin. Without processing, she took hold of the book. As I began to pass her, she clumsily turned.

“Oh, uh, wait! I’ll unlock the door to let you out!”

I allowed her to pass me up and leisurely followed her through the maze down the stairs. Her blood had a sweet smell, but it was still unappealing in comparison to Edward’s.

Once we’d reached the door, I could see how much time had passed whilst I hadn’t been paying attention. Through the large windows, night had fallen in a blackened cloak over the port city.

“Here we are,” she shyly chirped in a very intentionally favorable tone – something she probably reserved for customer service – and fiddled with the keys. Her hands shook slightly, and I felt guilty for how it must feel to have her back turned to a predator. Of course, she couldn’t know the difference, but her body recognized the threat. Finally, once she’d found the right key, she jimmied the rusty metal into the lock – missing the narrow fissure twice at first – and opened the door.

“Sorry about that. Thank you so much for coming,” she turned, gesturing with a shaky hand towards the outside world. The bitter wind blew in through the opening, making her shiver.

“Thank you,” I smiled again for her sake. Her eyes were peculiarly light compared to the rest of her features, making them extremely prominent. They were lighter and more hazel, yet the shade of green made me think of Edward again. I sighed. “Have a good night.”

I stepped out into the darkened street, looking down at the strange way the red light from the neon sign in the window washed over and illuminated my skin. Tiny bugs flew around the street lamps up above, casting irregularly moving shadows on the frozen sidewalk.

The heavy door shut loudly behind me, and she clicked the lock. It was unusually quiet, though that could be due to it being a weeknight. The bulbs in the streetlamps hummed and the bugs buzzed in response.

I strolled along the sidewalk, taking my time before returning to Carlisle’s car. I should have paid the meter more generously. It expired two hours ago. I’d received a parking ticket. Oops.

I removed the frozen slip of paper and unlocked the car, sliding into the driver’s seat. I had no desire to drive fast at first, deciding to return home at the speed limit. After about forty minutes, suddenly the anticipation to get the confrontation out of the way overcame me, and I drove 200 miles per hour the rest of the way home. Within minutes, I was turning onto the miles-long driveway.

As I raced for the garage, I listened for any movement from the bright house. There was none. I wondered how long they’d been sitting still, waiting for me. I groaned aloud in greeting.

The garage door was open so I pulled into the blue fluorescence and parked beside Rosalie’s day car. I sighed once before determinedly exiting the vehicle.

I slammed the door a little too hard before catching the handle before it hit the body. Perhaps I’d reached my quota this morning when it came to destroying car doors.

I ran through the small section of woods separating the garage from the house and braced myself for the impact of the meeting.

“Hello,” I said sheepishly. I wanted to sound stronger and more confident, but my nerve wavered as I entered the dining room to see everyone waiting for me at the long oval table. At the eastern head of the table, Carlisle and Esme sat side by side, their hands resting together atop the mahogany. I felt some of the resilience I’d mustered in the last few seconds return upon seeing the intensity of Esme’s golden eyes. They were full of concern and overwhelmingly forgiving. It was reassuring.

Rosalie sat directly opposite from Carlisle, very intentionally avoiding eye contact with me, her arms crossed firmly across her chest. I could feel the tension and coldness emanating from her. I was unused to feeling spurned by Rosalie. She always tenderly cared for me, always taking my side… My actions must have truly offended her today. A twinge of guilt twisted my abdomen.

It was unfair to feel any sense of betrayal considering the danger I’d placed my family in, but still with Emmett wrly seated beside Rosalie, and Jasper standing behind them, leaning against the wall mirroring Rose’s crossed arms, I felt some irrational anger at the lines being drawn. Of course, I should have known better than to think Emmett would have my back as if he wouldn’t undoubtedly support Rosalie.

Alice sat beside Esme, her eyes focused on something other than the room. I wondered if her visions made her support waver, if in all the hours I’d been gone, she’d been moving back and forth on either side of the room. She always chose the winning side.

“I’m sorry,” I breathed. “First, for this,” I crossed to the other side of the table to sit beside Carlisle, placing the parking ticket on the wood and sliding it over towards him. His lips curved into an amused smirk, and I felt encouraged by the expression.

“And more importantly,” I turned to face Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper. “I’m very, very sorry for this morning. It was incredibly selfish, irresponsible, and stupid of me to put any of you at risk. It’s all my fault… I take full responsibility for my actions.”

Rosalie’s exquisite face finally looked up at me, her expression full of hurt. “And what does that mean, Bella? Are you planning on fixing this?”

The implication behind her words filled me with sudden indignation, and before I could calm myself down, I snapped, “not in the way that you mean.”

Of course, something had to be done about the accident, but what was the point of going to such idiotic lengths to save his life only to end it later? Didn’t she realize I’ve been fighting to keep him alive since the very moment I’d met him?

Rosalie took offense to the harsh accusation of my words. “You say that as if I’d advocate for this under normal circumstances.”

“I had planned on leaving before, and I will leave now if it makes things easier.” Rather than keeping my voice calm and even, the words again came out in ways I didn’t intend. Unnecessarily punitive. I knew it was ridiculous to be so angry with Rosalie’s anger towards me when she was entirely right, but I couldn’t tame my passion in defense of Edward’s silly little life.

“Oh, no, Bella,” Esme murmured. “Please, you can’t leave.”

I reached to squeeze my mother’s hand.

“It’d have been helpful prior to this morning,” Jasper spoke up. “Now, it’s irrelevant.”

“Jazz is right,” Emmett agreed. “There’s no point in leaving now. If anything, that’d look more suspicious.”

“I agree with Emmett, Bella,” Carlisle nodded. “For you to disappear, perhaps it’d make the boy more inclined to talk. Either all of us leave or none.”

“Edward won’t say anything,” I insisted.

“You can’t know that,” Rosalie argued.

“I trust him,” I disagreed, surprising myself at how true the statement was. I thought back to the biology lab when he’d jokingly asked if I trusted him. It was in response to his identification of the stages of mitosis, and I had said no. Now, I suddenly entrusted him with the secrecy of my vampire abilities. I was really unintelligent. She scoffed at my words. “Alice, back me up.”

“I can’t see what will happen if we just ignore this,” Alice rubbed her temples before shooting an accusatory glance in Jasper and Rosalie’s direction.

“We can’t ignore this. Bella, I have always supported you, and of course I love you dearly. But clearly, this isn’t some minor mistake. You were right – it was incredibly selfish and irresponsible and stupid! And it’d be even more irresponsible and stupid for us to allow the human the chance to say anything about it. Carlisle, you must see that,” Rosalie turned her attention to our adopted father.

“It’s not like we haven’t left rumors behind before,” I reminded her. “And I don’t recall anyone else’s first offense putting them on trial like this.”

She ignored the second part of my statement. “Rumors, Bella. Today, you’ve provided eyewitnesses and evidence! It’s not enough that you were perfect prior to today. You’re no more a saint than the rest of us! We have to be perfect always! This was a massive mistake!” Rosalie stood up from her chair. “And I know that!” I stood up as well.

“Then you should agree with what’s the right course of action! It doesn’t have to be a big production. So he seemed alright after the accident. Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. Say Carlisle missed something far more serious than it looked. I don’t delight in this, Bella, but the rest of our kind would expect us to take care of this. Technically, you should be the one to clean up after yourself.”

“Rosalie, the Masen boy is completely innocent,” Carlisle gently disapproved.

Rosalie frowned. “It’s an unfortunate consequence to Bella’s mistake in favor of protecting us all, but a consequence nonetheless”

“Rose, I am sorry-”

“Sorry doesn’t matter anymore, Bella!” She interrupted.

“I never wanted this. I never wanted to place you or Emmett or any of us in this position. I know my actions have affected you. But I couldn’t just let him die that way!” My chest sunk at the thought.

“But it wasn’t your place to meddle with fate. You’ve already interrupted his life with your existence alone. Why let him survive? So that you could slaughter him later?”

I winced at her words, but a low hiss escaped my throat as well.

“Rose...” Emmett reached up for her hand to placate her, but she pulled away.

“No, it’s the truth. Our existence and your fixation on his scent posed a threat to the boy. His time came, but you interfered. Now he poses a greater threat to us. So what was the point of that then? You couldn’t help yourself from cutting into his life? It seems the universe provided you with an easy way out, and you went out of your way to make things not only more difficult for yourself but for us as well. I don’t always love this life, but excuse me for taking it personally when you’ve threatened the tiniest piece of happiness I have here! You should have just let him die! It seems you’ll end up killing him anyways!”

The room shifted completely. Suddenly, everyone was on their feet, Rosalie leaned towards me in defense, Emmett uncomfortably but faithfully crouched by her side, Jasper’s stance was more confident and relaxed but poised to strike as well. Carlisle and Esme were both by my sides, holding me in place by my arms. Only Alice remained in her seat, not at all concerned by the change in atmosphere. It took me half a second to realize what had triggered everyone’s response – to process the vicious growl that erupted from my throat and the tenseness of my body as it coiled to spring at my own sister. I was too stubborn and furious to feel any shame yet. I scowled but eased my stance, allowing Carlisle and Esme to gently coax me back to my chair. Everyone else loosened their defensive posture. Emmett made Rosalie sit down, her golden eyes narrowed in a harsh glare of which I was the recipient. Jasper stood straight again but remained stiff. Once we’d all relaxed, Carlisle began speaking again.

“Rosalie, I know you mean well, but every life is precious. To murder a blameless child poses an even greater risk to us. The occasional accident or lapse in control is a regrettable part of who we are, but to bring harm to the boy would make ourselves unworthy of the protection you so lovingly wish to give us. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risk something much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are.”

I couldn’t help the tiny smile that pulled at the corner of my lips.

“Carlisle, it’s about being responsible when Bella was so horribly irresponsible.”

Being on the receiving end of Rosalie’s inflexibility and anger was not at all pleasant.

"It's being callous," Carlisle corrected softly before repeating himself. “Every human life is precious.”

Rosalie sighed heavily and turned her head to again avoid looking at me, making it very apparent where the two of us stood.

“The question is whether or not we should move on,” he continued.

“The last thing I want is to unroot any of you. I don’t think that’ll be necessary, Carlisle. I feel confident about Edward’s silence,” I insisted again.

Rosalie huffed loudly, and I turned just in time to catch her rolling her eyes.

“Well, we certainly don't have to decide now. Perhaps we wait then,” Carlisle nodded.

I turned to face Alice, searching for some reassurance about the future but instead following her accusatory gaze to where Jasper stood leaning against the wall again. They were having another one of those silent conversations they shared that the rest of us were lost to. It was almost as if they could read each other’s minds.

“What?” I asked.

“Jazz seems to feel he’s above this conversation,” Alice gritted her teeth. “He seems to think he should set things right.”

My eyes flashed between her and Jasper, whose face was expressionless and unmoved. It took me a moment to piece it together.

“Jazz,” I warned as I began to feel irrationally overprotective again. “I won’t let you punish him for my mistake.”

“So he benefits from it then?” He raised his eyebrows.

“I won’t allow it,” I repeated.

“And I won’t allow Alice to live in danger. You can’t understand, Bella. You don’t feel about anyone the way I feel towards her.”

“That’s irrelevant. I’m not just going to stand aside as you murder him,” I hissed. “I will not let you hurt Edward Masen.”

We stared at each other. I knew he was measuring the opposition and sampling the depth of my determination.

“Jazz,” Alice interrupted us, cutting through the tension in the air.

“Don’t bother telling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that, but-”

“That’s not what I was going to say, but thank you for the assumption,” she rolled her eyes. “And it’s true, I can. I don’t need the backup, you overprotective fool.”

She said the last words playfully, her voice full of affection, as she stuck her tongue out. The action was out of sync with the mood of the room. “What I was going to ask for was a favor.”

Jasper’s eyebrows raised at what was seemingly an inappropriate time to make any requests. My eyebrows knitted in confusion at where the conversation was heading.

“I know you love me, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t try to kill Edward. First, we all know how headstrong Bella is, so you shouldn’t doubt how serious she’s being right now. I don’t want the two of you to fight. Seriously. Secondly, Edward is my friend. Yours too. At least, he’s going to be.”

“What?” Jasper gasped. Even though we were all very much accustomed to Alice’s ambiguity and the bizarre certainty she spoke with about things only she had seen, this was not a statement that could so easily be digested. I couldn’t tear my attention from Alice, staring intently at her face as if the meaning behind her words would suddenly be written on her forehead. What had she seen in that little odd head of hers?

“I’m going to love him–” as she said this, I nearly choked on the air whistling down my throat “–someday, Jazz. I’d be very put out with you if you don’t leave him be.”

I was locked into place, my eyes still boring deeply into my sister’s face. I could feel the pucker on my forehead etched into my expression as I tried to make sense of what she was saying. I kept expecting Alice to explain, but every time she opened her mouth she only confounded me more.

“Ahh!” Alice sighed, smiling brightly. “See, there’s nothing to worry about! Edward won’t say anything at all.”

I could not see.

“Alice,” I whined impatiently. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t know, Bella. I told you something was changing in your future.”

“In my future? What did you see?”

“Hmm… I don’t think I should share quite yet,” Alice locked her jaw, and I growled, exasperated.

“Oh, clearly, Bella can’t be trusted lately to not act on her impulses! You should give her whatever warning you’re hiding,” Rosalie sighed, annoyed.

I was still feeling illogically irritated with Rose’s resentment, but I couldn’t disagree with her. “She’s right, Alice.”

“I really don’t think-”

“Who votes that Alice shares what she knows?” I asked restlessly. “Raise your hand.”

It was juvenile, and this was not how we came to decisions ever. Of course we’d discuss differing opinions, but never so bluntly did we vote in this manner. The way I approached the subject was rude, but still unanimously, six hands shot into the air including mine.

“Fine,” Alice huffed, scowling. “But I’m not obligated to share anything just because the rest of you voted. That’s silly. I’m only sharing because I can see that Bella won’t let this go.”

She paused and we waited, staring. It was as if we were awaiting the results of a reading from some fortune teller at a carnival, anxious to see which tarot cards she had pulled. Anxious to see what this would mean for my life.

“My vision keeps becoming clearer. At first, it was just hazy, and I couldn’t make sense of it or of who I was seeing. Every minute it’s like Bella’s more decided,” Alice began. Six pairs of eyes flickered to me, but I had no idea what she was referring to, nor did I know how this related to the boy. Alice frowned a little as if she knew what she was about to say wouldn’t be received well. “It seems there’s only two ways left for Edward now. Either Bella will… end his life or… he’ll join us.”

Esme gasped as my mouth dropped open.

“Join us?!” I choked out once I recovered. “I…. I have not made a decision anywhere in that realm at all. That has never ever crossed my mind. Why in the world would I turn him?”

“Maybe you don’t. Maybe I do it because I love him too or at least, I will. I don’t know.”

“Love him, too?” I gaped, convinced Alice’s abilities were broken somehow. “What does that even mean? Who else are you talking about?”

“Who do you think, Bella?” Alice rolled her eyes again, impatient at my lack of clairvoyance. “Clearly not Rosalie.”

“Love him!?” Rosalie questioned incredulously, eyeing me as if I’d completely lost my mind. Maybe I had.

I then realized what Alice meant as I watched Rosalie’s face and processed the other baffled pairs of eyes.

“You mean me!?” I gasped.

“Woah! What the hell...” Emmett almost laughed in surprise, then decided it was indeed actually funny and broke out into real, booming laughter. “Damn! That’s rough. Of course, Bella would fall for a human!”

“Fall for a human?” Esme asked, completely astonished. “Fall in love? With the boy she saved today?”

“Nobody is in love with anybody,” I stood up. “That’s completely absurd!”

“Ooh, touchy subject,” Emmett snickered. I glared daggers at him.

“What exactly do you see, Alice?” Jasper asked.

“I already told you. It depends on Bella’s strength. Either she’ll kill him herself which would really destroy you, Bella, not to mention how very irritated I’d be with you–” she gave me a stern look through narrowed eyes as if I’d already committed the murder then returned her attention to the rest of our family “–or he’ll be one of us someday. There’s not much else to say; the visions are finite but not detailed. It will require a great deal of self control…”

As she continued to muse, I was still frozen in place on my feet, completely numb and completely bewildered.

“...Greater than even Carlisle’s capability maybe. I wouldn’t have put it past her prior to this, but now… It’ll be extremely close as to whether or not she kills him. The only thing she’s not strong enough to do is stay away from him. That’s a completely lost cause.”

The room was entirely quiet.

“Well, this complicates things greatly,” Carlisle murmured.

After another moment of silence, Rosalie piped up. “I can’t believe it. In love with a human-”

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Rosalie!” I snarled, returning to some clarity.

“Girls, please-” Esme began to plead.

“Ooh, she got you there, babe,” Emmett interrupted, chuckling as Rose growled at him.

“Emmett,” Esme warned sternly. He held up his hands in surrender but winked at me, grinning widely.

I couldn’t even appreciate the realliance. I was still too lost in the sudden upheaval of my entire life.

“I suppose the plans remain the same, though," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "We'll stay and watch. Obviously, no one will...hurt the boy.”

“Of course not,” Jasper agreed, nodding his head once. “If Alice only sees two ways, then it’s unnecessary to take matters into-”

“Shut up, Jazz,” I said numbly.

Everyone’s eyes flickered over to me.

I was just loving being the center of attention these days.

If Alice only sees two ways...

“You’re wrong,” I whispered. For the first time in my life, I was betting against Alice.

My psychic sister opened her mouth to protest but stopped after seeing either in her head or on my face that I wasn’t finished.

“I hardly know Edward. I don’t see how it could be possible for me to… develop any kind of… feelings for him. That’s entirely ridiculous. I mean, he’s… human! The only scenario that could potentially ever happen – which again, it’s absolutely implausible – would be if I were to accidentally change him. And even then, I mean, why would I-... He’s so… Ugh, just nevermind! That would be a complete mistake. A mistake greater than the one I made today. And I’m very sorry to you all for how I’ve mutilated the future with my actions, but I’m going to fix it. I’ll leave-”

“You can’t,” Alice and Esme interrupted at the same time. My sister’s tone was one of annoyance while my mother’s was one of concern.

“You’re right,” I nodded, but my agreement wasn’t for the reasons Alice meant. I wasn’t considering my capability to leave based on my own will power against leaving the boy behind. That was something too complicated to unpack here in front of my family. Something that’d be better dealt with on the floor with my arms wrapped around my knees. I wouldn’t leave because it’d be more crucial for me to stay now. The responsible thing to do. “But I’ll try to...I will stay away from Edward–” suddenly, I felt a desire to begin to distance myself from him and referring to him by his name felt too deeply personal, so I corrected myself, “–from the boy, I mean. It’s not right to condemn him to either fate. I won’t allow that to happen.”

As I spoke, Rosalie’s face softened and she materialized by my side, taking my hand.

“I’m sorry for how I’ve behaved today, Bella. I only spoke out of love for our family. But you’re right. It’s not right. And I’m glad you’re choosing to do the right thing by staying away. I still don’t feel as though trusting him is responsible, but if what Alice has said is true-”

“I’m sorry, too,” I cut her off quietly, not wanting to hear the rest. I was feeling sorry for so much more than just how I spoke to Rose.

Esme appeared behind me as well, placing her hand encouragingly on my shoulder. “We are here to support you, Bella.”

“Thanks,” I murmured unenthusiastically.

Nobody moved again as they waited to see what I’d do next. I felt like a zoo animal.

I sighed, releasing Rose’s hand and shaking off Esme.

“If you don’t mind, I think I’d like to be by myself.”

“Of course,” Carlisle responded.

I crossed behind the west side of the table. Emmett let out a low, cartoony whistle of relief to break the tension, and I punched him on the arm as I passed. As I exited the room, Alice called, “wait!”

She was by my side in an instant.

“This is from the accident. It’s Edward’s. I thought maybe you’d want to return it to him.”

I looked down as she pulled my unresponsive hand away from my body to place the thick, chestnut journal I’d seen Edward reach for in his backseat right before the accident. I stared at her, impassive, so she sighed and wrapped my fingers around the worn leather to force it into my grip.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, turning and disappearing out of the house into the forest.

As I ran, I felt the weight of their eyes on me.

[yungblud-fics]

teenage heartbreak queen (part one)

based off the song teenage heartbreak queen by palaye royale (🅱️ussy 🅱️op)

warnings: literally major angst, mcr trashing (it pained me to write), language.

summary: dom has been in love with his best friend since before he can remember. when yoi start to change after your boyfriend comes into the picture, will your relationship tear you both apart?

part 2

She used to go

She used to hide and not let me know

the school's power couple. that's what everyone called them. it made dom sick to his stomach to his best friend with that dick head. she was so smart and could tell his emotions in an instant but god was she was so fucking oblivious.

Now I wait

While she's in bed and sleeps all day

(Wake up)

things had changed since they had gotten together. the jock of the school and the infamous introvert. he was the definition of a sterotypical teenage boy--played football, rugby, lacrosse. total asshole energy. you were polar opposites but 'opposites attract.' 'maybe that's why dom didn't get the girl.

she sat in the back of the classroom, band t-shirts and skinny jeans. she was never one for parties, preferring to sit at a cafe and listen to live music.

that all changed when they got together. everyone said they would be together forever. eventually she stopped holding dom's hand when she was nervous or excited. she stopped dancing like crazy when she knew people were staring. it all just stopped.

She used to dance

She used to cry as she held my hand

Oh no we used to say

We won't ever change change change

you went to parties instead of staying home with a record player on like usual. you stopped sleeping at dom's house every friday night. you started to listen to trashy rap.

you weren't the same but your mom had known you still listened to the same punk rock songs in your room late at night. she knew you still read graphic novels in your free time. she also knew you only hid those to keep the relationship healthy. and she had told dom this weeks ago because she knew he could get anxious.

I fell in love with my best friend

She fell in love with you instead

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Oh it's me and my misery

dom missed the old you. as he bolted out of his last pediod class, swarms of students filled the halls. thursday's were hard at school. he usually just wanted the week to be over and done with, and more than anything he wanted to skip friday's knowing you wouldn't be there with him.

he didn't know when he started to feel things for you. he just knew that as sophomores, he was in love with his best friend.

maybe it started when he moved and you were the first person to talk to him. maybe it was when he fell on the playground in second grade and you cleaned up his cut. maybe it was when he first came to your house in fourth grade and showed him all your band posters on the walls.

I fell in love with my best friend

Now she is sleeping in your bed

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Now it's me and my misery

dom saw you closing your locker so he ran through the crowd of teenagers and teachers and smiled brightly once he got to you.

"hey n/n!"

"hey dom," she said awkwardly, her boyfriend latching onto her arm. dom's smile slowly faded as he realized you weren't as excited to see him as he was you.

It's not the same

The way she used to say my name

Now she's strange

"wanna come ova' tonight? we can dance to three cheers fo' sweet revenge all night," he laughed knowing it's your favorite mcr album (wink wonk).

he saw you smirk and that small gleam come back to your eye bringing a matching smile to his face.

It's outta hand 'cause something's changed

Something's changed

She used to dance

She used to cry as she held my hand

Oh no we used to say

We won't ever change change change

"i'll be over at si-"

"that lame album? that's some gross emo music. babe, do you really like that shit?"

"i guess not really," you shrugged as you felt a burning pain in your chest as those words slipped your mouth.

"good, cause we're gonna go for a drive tonight." just as he was about to walk away, he leaned down to your ear and whispered, mocking dom's accent just loud enough for him to hear, "and not with pretty lil' london boy."

once he walked off, the look in dom's eyes gave you an aching pain. he swallowed back the lump in his throat, running a hand through his hair, in an attempt for it to look neater but failed as it fell back in front of his eyes.

I fell in love with my best friend

She fell in love with you instead

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Oh it's me and my misery

"m-maybe some other time," he managed to spit out before turning away from you. you grabbed his hand which always made dom's heart flutter, but this time, he simply looked at your hands and slowly pulled his back to his side.

"we can still hang out tonight. what's the big deal?"

"the big deal is 'm fookin' in love with ya for years and ya don't see how much it kills me every time i see ya with him. he doesn't deserve ya and he's a total twat. the way ya feel when your favorite song comes on the radio is the way i feel whenever i'm around ya," his eyes were glassy but he wiped it away with his sweatshirt sleeve.

I fell in love with my best friend

Now she is sleeping in your bed

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Now it's me and my misery

"dommy i didn't realize," tears almost fell down your cheeks but you wouldn't let them.

"of course ya didn't! cause you're obsessed with him. when was the last time ya slept over? and don't even get me started. ya love mcr, and because he said it's shit ya suddenly hate em'!"

"that's not why i said it," your voices were slightly raised as the dismissal bell rang out through the hallway.

"then why?" dom screamed.

"because-"

"because why? because ya love him?" he spat. you didn't say anything more. you didn't need to. you simply walked away and out the school doors knowing that your best friend now hated you.

dom stood in the same spot. did i just lose my best friend? she just walked out. a few tears had fallen and he couldn't hold them in. tightening the straps on his backpack, he went out the doors you had been just a few seconds ago and made his way home.

I loved her madly but she went away

I can't believe that she won't see my pain

Though I'm not with her, I have lost my mind

I love her madly 'til the end of time, no

he didn't call that night. he just let whatever happen, happen. everyone had been concerned about you since you had gotten into the relationship.

dom just stared at the ceiling, occasionally humming a song that popped into his head. the sounds of the heater ran through his ears, a scented candle (oops) filling the room.

I fell in love with my best friend

She fell in love with you instead

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Oh it's me and my misery

his cell phone began to ring and he took a deep breath before answering call.

"'ello?"

"hey. can i come over?"

"uh," dom looked to his right at the bedside clock seeing as it was 10:45 (22:45), "it's late?"

"sorry, i didn't mean to bother you i just--nevermind."

"no, tell me."

"i just need a dom hug."

"come over whenever," he sighed into the phone then hung up.

even in an argument he couldn't have just left you hanging. no matter what he promised himself he wouldn't leave you.

I fell in love with my best friend

Now she is sleeping in your bed

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Now it's me and my misery

part 2

A/N: hehe cliffhanger. i'll post part 2 when i can! i've had this in my drafts cause the song was stuck in my head for so long. also, sorry this is so angsty.

side note: i'll properly tag it tomorrow.

[ask-svt-hearteu]

All The Stars ` Wen Junhui

Anon requested: “ hey! can i request a jun oneshot where the reader is an artist? like how does he deal with reader having a breakdown over some small mistake and their way of thinking? basically just what he thinks about having an artistic partner. oh, if it's not too much can you write it in jun's pov? thanks a lot 💕 “

Genre: fluff

Word Count: 1928

to Jun

you were radiant

there had always been something

a feeling

that made him know

you’re the one

he remembered that first day

when he had been wondering the classrooms of the university aimlessly 

ditching English literature was a favorite hobby of his

the class was too easy

the easiest A to get for a general education class he knew 

not to mention as a theater major 

he already ate, breathed, and lived literature 

there was no need for him to show up to such a useless class

and so

English lit 101 was spent wondering the campus of the university

finding the best spots to read for an hour

or discovering the unexplored corners of campus

or going out to town to try all the local restaurants and determine which ox tail soup was the best

and it was on one of these faithful days that he stumbled across room 610

a dark shady classroom rarely ever in use 

he quietly opened the door and slipped inside dropping his bag 

pulling aside some of the curtains from the front of the room

he revealed a few floor-to-ceiling studio mirrors

and gave himself a small smile

as he reached into his bag and pulled out a small CD player

and clicked play

the music gently filled the room

Jun breathed in

letting not just air to enter his system 

but the music itself

let the notes fill his lungs and his head

let the music lead his actions

as he carefully

but surely

confidently

danced through his own routine of his own creation for the song 

one he spent hours trying to perfect

until it became second nature

until it was no longer a dance

but merely an extension of his thoughts

and he felt like flying

with the music 

he gently laid down on his back smiling up at the ceiling after it ended

what a high

the best feeling in the world was when he was dancing

he couldn’t imagine doing anything else

he didn’t seem to notice someone standing in the doorway to that very classroom

that Jun wasn’t the only one who took refuge in room 610

but you did too

and as your voice broke through the silence

Jun likes to think it was that moment

the very moment you first spoke to him

that made him fall in love with you

he likes to tell it that way

the look of surprise on his face clear as day when you caught him 

“How long have you been standing there?” He said

“The whole time.”

“I didn’t expect anyone to be in here.”

“Neither did I”

Jun stared at you passively at that moment he knew

the way the slit of sunlight rested right on your face 

illuminating your eyes

and the look of pure amazement

that you gave him

“I’m really sorry to ask if this sounds weird but... Can you stay here for a few minutes?”

Jun raised his eyebrows but didn’t object 

after all you were the one who had caught him having a moment

he stood frozen in his spot as you ran across the room and slid onto the floor uncovering a pile of canvasses he had never noticed before

his breath caught

on the canvasses were some of the most beautiful paintings he had ever seen

he watched quietly as you pulled a sketchbook from the pile of art supplies and sat crisscrossed on the ground

the tip of your pencil gliding easily across the surface of the page never pausing in hesitation once

and he suddenly thought

that perhaps that pencil was dancing too

that you drawing was like him dancing

an extension of a person and their thoughts

an expression of something that no words could ever describe

he was mesmerized as your fingers flew across the page

slowly taking form and matter

he couldn’t look away

this is why he names the moment he fell for you

because from this moment he saw more about your heart 

saw just how meaningful that pencil on the paper was

as the music and dancing was for him

you both had offered up a piece of your hearts right there 

he watched as you sighed

satisfied for once as you lifted the sketchbook for him to see

and he was breathless

on the sketchbook page

was him

but it was more than just Jun himself he thought

the figure in the drawing was him

but it was him freed

a sketch of his figure mid dance 

as the curtains fluttered in the background of the drawing 

his clothes loosely flowing around him before forming wings 

a picture of an angel

lost to the happiness of mid flight 

“I know it’s not very good...” you sighed quietly turning the drawing away from him before ripping the page out and putting away the sketchbook and the pencil

you walked over to him still standing there 

but he couldn’t stop staring at you

as you gently placed the drawing in his hand

“You can throw it away if you want.” You shrugged before turning away

Jun grabbed your arm quickly and turned you back to face him

“What’s your name?”

“Y/N”

“Do you... maybe wanna grab a coffee or something?” He said rubbing the back of his neck nervously

“I’d love to.”

it was one of those storybook meetings

one for romance novels or the movies

the two of you sort of just clicked

you were both pretty different in some aspects 

but made up for what the other was lacking

and you both were also similar too

he became something like paradise for you

after a long day of classes and work

you’d plop down on the sofa and he’d make you something to eat

even if he was tired

or you’d both just lay together in bed staring up at the ceiling and talking

about anything

about everything

about how stupid that one chemistry professor was before they fired them

or how that freshman accidentally pulled the fire alarm

or about Jun’s latest show adventures

or about this showcase you entered artwork for

Jun would just hold you in his arms

let you rest your head on his chest

as he played with your hair

and listened to you talk

you were nearly inseparable

he’d hold your hand whenever he got the chance

“Jun, I can’t do any integral calculus if you’re holding the hand I write with.”

“Hmm that’s too bad for calculus then...”

“Jun...”

“Yes Y/N my love? Hehe...”

“I need my hand to get my stuff”

“That’s really too bad for your stuff...”

“JUN OH MY GOSH JUST LET GO FOR A SECOND.”

“NEVER HAHA.”

and how the classes without him literally stretched into infinity 

he would stare at the clock thinking

“only half an hour before I get to see Y/N...”

yes you were that couple

and when he finally was free 

he’d literally run up to you 

catching your face in his hands

before his lips brushed yours

“Jun we’re in public-“

“I’m ok with being that couple if you are.”

giggling into his next kiss as he pulled you closer

“Ok ok really we have to go to class.”

“Awwww but whyyyyyy.”

“Because we have to come on.”

there were moments where he’d just stare at you

thinking how incredible it was

how incredible you are

and just staring fondly at your smile

and ruffling your hair playfully every time he passed you in the halls

or tapping your left shoulder only to appear on your right side

and ordering Chinese food takeout to eat on the floor of class 610 when you were both ditching

and running around in the early morning when he dragged you to run through the sprinklers

“JUN I’M WEARING CLOTHES THAT AREN’T WATER PROOF.”

“AWWW come on it’s fun!!!”

and laughing like crazy at the water droplets across your gray sweatshirt

or how he’d randomly show up with stuffed plushies and flowers on those days where you weren’t feeling your best

almost as if he could read your mind

when stress and sadness washed over you

he seemed to know and would cheer you up somehow

whether it was by his little pranks

or his attention to little details

like your favorite ice cream to get if you failed an important test

Jun saw you through it all

the good and the bad

because he loved you

Jun noticed things

about people and of course about you

those moments when you were working on an important piece for class

or when you were just painting in your free time

he noticed the little frown

the sigh of frustration

the dozens of crumpled sketches you had deemed “not good enough”

and ended up as trash 

the little furrow of your eyebrows when something wasn’t going the way you wanted them to

or when you had spent hours working on something

only to throw the canvas on the ground because of a mistake and sit and cry

he noticed

and he knew

as someone who had attempted to perfect his own skills

he got equally frustrated with himself over the smallest of mistakes

but seeing you tear yourself apart

the snidest self deprecating comments

it broke his heart

“Why can’t I do anything right?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

the words that fell from your lips about yourself

the words Jun hated hearing the most

and the nights where you would lock yourself in the bathroom because the colors and shapes had started to swim around your head

float off the pages

contort and twist in your nightmares

you didn’t understand

couldn’t get why you couldn’t do anything correctly

and it was Jun on the outside of the locked bathroom door

quietly singing your favorite lullaby 

making sure you had something to eat when you stayed up all night in the studio

who held you in his arms when you said you weren’t enough

and told you he loved you over and over again

and that your art was beautiful

that mistakes defined who we were

that mistakes could be beautiful

he knew what it was like to get torn up by yourself in your own thoughts

and so he did his best to tell you that you were worth all the stars

Jun was your stars

he brightened up the darkest nights 

made you laugh

maybe that was naturally what those who create think

he couldn’t think he was enough

until he saw that first sketch of him you ever did

and suddenly he felt whole 

like this was who he was meant to be

and you had helped him too

Jun led you out one night

“Where are we going?”

“Haha you’ll see.”

the two of you walked along together hand in hand 

until you reached the beach

it was cold at night

but the city lights sparkles off the water

and if you squinted

you could sill see the stars

he laid out a blanket for you to sit on before holding you in his arms for warmth

“Are you a camera?” 

“Oh my god Jun no stop.”

“Because I smile every time I see you.”

“Please no more cheesy pick up lines”

“Oh come on you love them.”

“No I really don’t .”

“You do too.”

“Pfft no.”

“Fine But you love me right?”

“Oh my gosh.”

“ADMIT IT!”

“Yes I love you of course.”

and he would respond 

“I love you.”

he was your angel

and you were all the stars 

MASTERLIST

[gyu-nim]

Muse

So here’s the thing, I’ve been on a Goblin marathon for the past few days lol does anyone else watch it? I absolutely adore that show. The other day, I also went to see La La Land with my mom - which was also incredible. She said something about how the story was heart wrenching but beautiful. And so that’s why I decided to write this story. I was inspired by the two stories to create something beautiful, yet sad, yet still beautiful lol. Also, I don’t know why, but I’ve always been better at just sitting there and writing a sad story - I tend to focus more on my work than I do usually. But anyway, I hope that this story touches you in some way, because I really enjoyed writing this. Also, I really wanted to work on another Myungsoo scenario, and so here it is~

Listen:

Ed Sheeran - Photograph 

- Nas 

Gathering the last of your boxes you headed towards the kitchen where your husband was busy labelling each one. You slouched down on one of the kitchen stools and let out a sigh, three days of packing was incredibly exhausting.

“You okay there?” he let out a chuckle as he stroked the top of your head.

Nodding, you looked up at him and placed a soft peck on his lips, “I’m just tired.”

“I know baby, we all are. But hey, it’ll all be worth it once we arrive at our new place.” He said as he walked back towards the thousands of boxes that now crowded the kitchen floor.

You glanced around the room. Although a part of you was thrilled at the fact that your husband had been able to purchase a bigger house, you were going to miss this one. After all, this house was the first house the two of you bought after you got married. It was also the house where you first brought your daughter home. Of course, since she’s only three she won’t be able to recall most of her surroundings but you felt sentimental, the house just had too many memories.

“Hey,”

“Sorry,” you shook your head, “daydreaming again.”

As your husband laughed, your young daughter appeared and she seemed to be clutching something tightly in her hand.

“What have you got there, sweetheart?” you said as you approached her.

She stepped towards you and handed over what seemed to be a dusty teddy bear. Your eyes widened, this used to be yours when you where a child.

“My God,” you turned around and showed it to your husband, “I haven’t seen this in years. How did she find it?”

“Attic, mama.” She giggled and held on to you.

Your husband shook his head, “Honey, you need to stop climbing upstairs. You know its dangerous.”

She let out a pout and pointed towards the bear, “Dirty.”

“Yes it is. Hey, why don’t you stay here with daddy and I’ll clean this up for you.” You smiled at her and stood up, heading towards the attic.

On your way you picked up a box just in case there were still things that remained unpacked. Switching on the dim light you coughed a few times due to the dust. Neither you nor your husband had been up here in a while, simply because the two of you had the movers move everything up here to your parents’ house just a couple of months ago. But today proves that there are some things that remained unpacked. And so you looked around, nothing seemed to be of value. Just as you were about to head down you spotted a cabinet in the corner of the attic. You dragged it towards the center of the room so you could inspect it under some light. Opening the top drawer, you smiled. So this is where your daughter got the teddy bear. It was filled with your childhood memorabilia. After pouring its contents into the packing box, you opened the bottom drawer.

You stiffened at the sight of a camera. There seemed to be a shoe box next to it. You knew exactly what these things were, but you wondered if you were strong enough to face them once more. But then again, you didn’t want to leave them here. They deserve so much more. Sighing, you placed the camera next to you and opened the shoe box. Your first instinct was to smile as you saw what could be a hundred photographs of you.

“It’s been a while.” You said to yourself as you picked up the first photograph and turned it around.

…

Winter

This was the first picture I ever took of you. You were just standing there – in the midst of the first snow fall. Your hair flowing against the cold breeze, your cheeks as white as each snow flake, your lips as red as a rose in spring. I didn’t know what came over me, but I had to make sure that I had something to remind me of this moment for the rest of my life. And so I snapped not one, not two, but ten pictures of you, smiling and twirling around. Back then, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.

L

…

“L,” you smirked, “you always signed your pictures that way.”

You smiled to yourself as you picked up the next few photographs, which were exactly as he had said. They were all pictures of you, just enjoying first snowfall. The familiar ache in your heart appeared once again. You hadn’t thought about him in a while, it was as if you were being reunited with the one man who will forever have your heart.

The next photograph was one of you holding a pillow holding one of his hands, outstretched towards you. You remembered that day – you were so happy.

…

Summer 

I swear, you look the most incredible the moment you wake up. Sometimes I wonder if you’re human, simply because no one could ever wake up looking that good. Except you. I remember the way you laugh when I tickle you; you weakling. I also remember we made pancakes that day. You know, that’s always been one of the things I love about you – the fact that you could manage to create such a mess while cooking. We spent the entire day cleaning the kitchen, do you remember that? I only do this because I love you, you know.

L

…

You scanned through the next few photographs, since they were mostly of you. That was the one thing you hated about his habits, he only took pictures of you. The two of you had such little memories together because all he wanted to do was to make memories of you. But then again you couldn’t blame him.

The next photograph caught your eye; it was you, reading a novel in the middle of the living room. He was probably standing by the bedroom door. If you closed your eyes right then and there, you could still see him smiling at you after the all-too familiar “click” of the camera.

…

Spring

God, I can’t believe that I’ve spent an entire year with you after that first photo I took of you. You were just sitting there, in front of the fireplace with your favorite socks. Curled up in a ball, holding a novel like you always do, you were-are-the most beautiful thing on the face of this earth. You look so happy. It was as if nothing and no one in the world could hurt you as long as you were just there – on the couch with your favorite book.

By then, I figured I should tell you – a part of me wished I didn’t have to. I never planned on falling in love, and I probably shouldn’t have. As I slowly made my way towards you, I prepared myself to say the words I knew would change your life forever. There’s one thing I want you to know,

I never meant to hurt you.

L

…

Tears were slowly making their way down your cheeks before you even had a chance to stop them. You hated the fact that he left you with so little of him to remember, instead he only left you with you. You wanted a thousand other pictures, just of his face so that you could constantly see him smile, laugh, see him with his arms around you.

You forced yourself to pick up the next photograph simply because you wanted to feel his presence around you. It was the first of the few photographs which had him in it. Well, half of him. You were holding the camera with one arm, your other arm encircled around his neck. He seemed to be holding you, with his face buried in your hair. You let out a soft giggle, you remembered this day.

…

Autumn

Do you remember this? I scolded you for sneaking up on me just so you could take a picture of my face. But then again, you seemed to have failed. Like I said, I’m the photographer, not you. Anyway, this was a very happy day. I remember we put up the Christmas tree, despite it being way too early. I also remember you nearly falling to your death, attempting to place the star on top of the tree. Don’t die, one of us needs to stay alive, remember? Hehe~

I know you’d probably slap me across the face for joking around like that, but I also know that I don’t have long. And when you’re short on time, you need to joke around just a little bit more. And so please don’t be mad at me as you read this, but please leave the top of the Christmas tree for someone else. I mean it, don’t even think about it for the rest of your life, you know how clumsy you are.

L

…

You burst out in laughter, of course only he would make a joke of his own disease. Letting out a sigh, you felt the need to contact his family after this. It’s been a couple of years since you last spoke to his parents, you felt somewhat guilty, coming over after getting married – especially to a friend of his. But then again, you knew he wouldn’t have let you gotten married with anyone else.

You could still feel your heart being torn when he first told you about him being sick, desperately ill was more like it. He had been suffering from a certain fatal disease that would eventually just shut his entire system down. Until now, you still couldn’t explain it, but you remembered certain mannerisms that reminded you every day of the fact that he was slipping through your fingers.

It was little things, like him forgetting where he placed his car keys, or like him burning his hands while cooking despite him being the better cook between the two of you. You also noticed how as time went by, the more frequent he picked up his camera. He always told you that he wanted to make sure he remembered you, just in case memory loss were to become one of his symptoms. You hated the fact that in total, you only had a little over a year with him. Sometimes you wondered what would have happened if the two of you had met just a little bit earlier, maybe you would be happily married to him now.

Clutching your heart, you let yourself fall apart once more. He was the only person who could make you weep this way, the only one who could let out all the sorrow you’ve been holding inside for the past few years. You would give up anything just to feel his arms around you once again. But the one thing he always told you was that he wanted you to move on and be happy, and that he wouldn’t be able to rest peacefully without having someone to take care of you here. And that’s why you felt like your husband had been his blessing to you.

You knew the last photograph was the last, and a part of you wanted to just leave it there. If you don’t open it, you wouldn’t reach the end of the story again. But you knew you had to, you just wanted to hear his voice one last time. You smiled at the sight of the photograph – it had both of you in it. And this time, his face was as clear as day. He had a smile on his face that you loved, the smile that reminded you of a tiny kitten just begging for love. The two of you were seated on the bed, you remember him placing his camera on the tripod right in front of the two of you. You were looking at him, one hand ruffling his hair like you always did. You remembered the sound of the timer, letting you know the exact time the camera was to take the photograph.

…

Early Spring

Wow, I hate myself sometimes. I mean, I couldn’t even last till summer? Anyway, in lighter news, you now officially have a picture of me to remember me by. I remember how you forced me to use the timer for the first time in years. But then again, I would do anything for you. I guess I have to apologize for the fact that you only have this one thing with my face – but this means you won’t get tired of me.

I sincerely hope you don’t throw this out, because I love this photograph. I have to say, it’s my favorite out of them all. I hope you’ll always cherish this one because it’s the last one where I actually had the strength to pick the camera up.

You’ll arrive soon, it’s been a couple of days since I’ve been chained to this hospital bed. I’ll hand this over to you and I swear to God if you don’t open it ONLY after when I tell you to, I will haunt you for the rest of your life. Just kidding~

I miss you. Being here, alone, I kinda wish I was at home instead. But then again, the doctors tell me they need to monitor me and yada yada but I know well enough that I won’t make it to another summer with you. I wish in another life I’d had met you just five years earlier, by now we could’ve been married with kids? Who could’ve thought. But I’m glad I did meet you, and that I fell in love. Now, I feel content. I feel like I could leave happily knowing someone here still thinks of me from time to time. You will think of me, right?

By the time you read this, I probably won’t be there. So here’s a couple of things I want you to remember for the rest of your life:

1. You are always on my mind – it doesn’t matter where I am 2. You need to eat, because I know you probably haven’t eaten for a couple of days 3. Visit your parents, they’ll comfort you 4. You probably need a shower as well – just kidding 5. I’ll never be away from you. Even if you can’t see me, I’m there.

See that camera, there? Fill it with your memories. Travel the world, fall in love, have children you can tuck in at night. Forgive me because I wasn’t able to give you all that. Think of me every time you feel down, or when you simply need a laugh or two. Don’t visit me every day, seriously, you can’t hang out in a graveyard for the rest of your life. Just see me every now and then, and tell me about your life. I hope there’s a new story every time you come back.

You just texted me, letting me know that you’re trying to find a parking space which reminds me do not text and drive. Seriously, you can’t even walk without tripping. I’ll quickly finish this now so I can give you a proper goodbye. I want you to know something. The first time I saw you, I knew in an instant that you were my muse. There was nothing else in this world that could inspire me and make me feel as you do. Nothing will ever change that. Please be happy, don’t spend your days being sad and feeling sorry for me because I’ll be fine as long as you are. And I know you’ll be fine, I know you will. So open this box from time to time, hopefully it’ll give you happiness, because these memories are the ones that I can’t wait to share with everyone I meet up there.

One last thing, I love you. I always will.

Your Myungsoo

…

Despite the fact that tears were streaming down your face, you couldn’t help but smile. Even in sadness, he always had a way to make sure you were comforted. Placing a kiss on the photograph, you placed all the contents back into the shoebox and moved it inside the moving box. You made a mental note to charge the camera battery soon so you could fulfill your promise to him.

Wiping away the last of your tears you made your way back to the kitchen. Your husband was now feeding your daughter, which was one of your most favorite sights in the world. You slowly approached him and encircled your arms around his waist.

“What’s this about?” he chuckled.

You let out a soft laugh, “Could you do me a favor?”

“Anything,” he said as he turned around and held you, “what is it, baby?”

“Could you take me to see Myungsoo’s parents next week? I feel the need to visit them, it’s been a while.”

He smiled, “Of course, I will.”

“Thank you, Gyu.” You said as you tiptoed and placed a peck on his lips.

“Anything for you, and him. I miss him too, you know.” He sighed removed a strand of hair away from your forehead.

“I know you do. And he knows. Trust me, he knows.”

…

Early Spring – Seven years ago

“Hey you!” you skipped happily and sat down next to his hospital bed.

“Hey, jagiya,” he smiled as he held your hand, “you look happy.”

You scoffed, “It’s a mask, so you don’t feel sad. I’m just that good of an actor.”

“A hell of a clumsy one, if I might say so.” He rolled his eyes.

You pursed your lips and laid your head on the edge of his bed. The bed practically had his scent now – and you loved it. You wanted to cherish the feel of his soft fingers grazing your hair and how he always smelled of spring. You knew very well he was running out of time, despite what the doctors say.

“I want to give you something.” He broke the silence as you looked up towards him.

“Please don’t make this any sadder.”

Myungsoo let out a weak chuckle, “It’s not going to be sad because you don’t get to open it until I’m no longer here.”

“Myungsoo!”

“I’m kidding,” he burst out laughing, “but actually I’m not. Promise me you’ll only open this after…you know.” He smiled softly.

You took a look at the shoebox in your hand, it was pretty heavy. You felt the sudden need to cry – and not just cry but to cry in heaves as if the whole world was falling apart. If only there was a way to make him stay with you just a little bit longer.

“Please don’t leave me.” You said as you placed the shoebox on your chair and you climbed in next to him.

Myungsoo placed his arm around you, “I’m not. You know where I’ll be if you need me.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Okay, okay.” He smiled as he inhaled the scent of your hair, “As long as you’re here, I’m going nowhere, okay?”

You looked up at his face and nodded, “Kiss me.”

He leaned down slowly and placed his lips upon yours. You couldn’t help but let out a small moan at the feel of his tongue against yours. You were going to miss this, the spark you had every time he kissed you.

Pulling away, he caressed your cheek, “I love you, remember that.”

“I love you too.”

He interlaced his fingers with yours, “Stay here with me, just for a few. Sungkyu and the guys will be here soon and I won’t have you all to myself.”

Laughing, you snuggled closer to him, “There’s no place I’d rather be.”