#(( WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM. [ rejection sensitive dysphoria. apparently ] ))

[runelocked]

❛ being stuck inside with you all day is my worst nightmare. ❜

WILLIAM’S HAND IS OVER HIS HEART, LOOKING GENUINELY STUNG. UNSURE WHY, CONSIDERING HE’S BEEN DELIBERATELY AGGRAVATING EVER SINCE THIS STUPID SNOW STORM STARTED. For a moment, he considers slapping Jamie: and then scowls, urge passing, and he looks away sullenly. Good mood fading entirely, because sure, it had been a harmless retort, well - deserved considering his behaviour, but fuck Jamie for saying it. Dick. “ I’ll just leave then, will I, ” he says challengingly, and then eyes the snow outside, piled heavy against the door, arms crossing defensively. “ Give you some peace if you hate me that much. ”

Why is he so caught up by Jamie’s words ? William knows he’s being a dick right now, and knows he’d been irritating all day, constantly getting in the other man’s personal space and talking non - stop and generally being a nuisance . . . But damnit, he hates the cold, and he’s genuinely been enjoying himself with Jamie. Whatever. Whatever. He turns away, resisting the urge to kick a hole in Jamie’s stupid wall in his stupid house just to see the anger on his stupid face. “ I’ll do you one better, actually. I’ll just go freeze to death in the snow to get out of your way. ” A childish retort, and yet he’s bizarrely stung for reasons beyond his own understanding. “ I hate being stuck with you too, for the record ! If I could leave, then I would ! ” A bold faced lie, not that he’ll tell Jamie that . . . William stomps out of the room, and doesn’t slam the door like he’s about to burst into tears because some stupid teacher hurt his feelings, definitely not. Because he’s a grown adult, thank you, and has completely control over his emotions. And definitely doesn’t let himself get hurt by Jamie fucking Fouler.

[bunk-bed-blorbos]

1, 2, 6, 9, and 17 (Also don't worry about forgetting to turn on asks, I've had moments like that too ;) )

(lol thank you)

Fluff: 1. What are things they both find funny?

Hilariously wrong tabloids. Even better now that they're public figures, so sometimes they'll get a wildly incorrect article written about Them, and it's always a riot Zuke: So, Who am I cheating on you with this week? Mayday: Apparently, you were caught last night sneaking out of... Oh My God, Club Planetarium! Zuke, scandalized: No... Mayday: Zuke, how could you? Zuke: I'm sorry Mayday, you know how attracted I am to humility! Zuke & Mayday: ....Pffft, HAHAHAHA- They will also laugh at harmless, petty celebrity drama, dumb internet memes, and terrible, terrible puns

2. If they could each describe each other in one sentence, what would it be?

"Whenever Mayday needs to make a decision between what her brain and her heart are telling her, she will pick her heart every time, and she's usually right." "A lot of people think Zuke is dumb 'cause he's quiet, but he just spends a lot of time in his head, thinkin' about stuff like music, art... the people he cares about..."

6. What is/are their love language(s)?

Mayday is a very Physically Touchy person. If Zuke is in one place for too long she will lay across him. It doesn't matter if he's sitting down at his drums to practice, it's canoodling time. She reacts very strongly to Words of Affirmation (See the 1010 fight), and will frequently give Gifts to Zuke of anything that reminds her of him, and squeals like a schoolgirl whenever she receives a gift in turn Zuke not only picked up on Mayday's Words of Affirmation response, but he also has that love language, and puts a lot of thought into what he says (He may not be the talkative one of the duo, but he makes his words count). He values Quality Time, and wants to spend all of it with May. But most of all, his love comes through in Acts of Service.

Angst: 9. Have they made each other cry?

Ah yes, Mayday, known the city over for taking rejection well. I buy into the common headcanon that May has some form of ADHD, and I also sprinkle in that she experiences Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Because of this, she can feel a disproportionate amount of emotional pain if she feels like she's getting the cold shoulder from Zuke, which sucks because she knows that she's probably overreacting, which just makes her feel worse... As for Zuke, he's only ever cried because of May once... after the argument where she broke his sticks. Both of them agree that incident was the worst argument of their relationship, and both of them feel awful about it. May especially. She regretted it as soon as the structural integrity of the sticks failed. It was the first night since before they bunked their beds where they slept in separate rooms...

Depth: 17. What senses (sights, smells, feelings, etc). remind them of each other?

Zuke thinks of Mayday every time he sees a warm sunrise, vibrant flowers as pink as her eyes. He thinks of her whenever he smells or tastes sweet, tangy fruit and fresh cinnamon. He feels her in campfire and candle flames, in thick leather and the groove of old vinyls Mayday thinks of Zuke every time she sees the ocean, or a crystal clear stream. She smells him in delicate mints and earthy teas, and feels him running her hands through tall weeds or cool, running water. And of course, they hear each other. Whenever Zuke hears the hum of electricity, the crackle of a campfire, or the roar of a great predator, he hears her. Whenever Mayday hears the rain pelting against the city street, the thunder rolling through the sky, or the rumble of the City's districts moving, she hears him And finally, when the guitar reaches its climax.... when the drums kick in and make the song its own.... whenever they discover a new rock album, or listen back on what they've created.... They envision their partner, wielding their instrument with pride and passion, and themselves up on stage with them.

[solarsleepless]

hello all

basically, i'm going to be watching bsc episodes and listing down the autistic traits i see in kristy. i may have a bonus part for the other girls but i'm mainly going to be focusing on kristy as she is my favourite.

without further ado, let's do this

Episode 1

right off the bat we get the line "I was doing the most talking, as per usual." autistic people have a tendency to dominate conversations or to "monologue"

also, mary anne is kristy's only friend at the very beginning. most autistic people find it challenging to make any new friends, both due to any communicative issues and because they don't want to change up their routine. kristy is clearly just fine with having only mary anne as a friend, which is shown in later episodes

"it was boiling in there, like surface of venus levels hot and he just kept droning on and on" autistic people are wayyy more prone to sensory issues than most other people, and that can include temperature, especially if they start sweating, which for many people causes sensory distress. autistic people also find it hard to concentrate for a myriad of possible reasons, including filtering out information our brains deem 'irrelevant' even if they're not

"If he was such a genius, why didn't he say all people?" autistic people tend to have a strong sense of justice and a black and white view of things, having very clear ideas of what is right and wrong in their head. yes, kristy's a feminist, but her willingness to correct him without a care for manners reads as autistic to me

"except apparently, i raised my voice, and didn't raise my hand." manners, even well remembered ones like raising your hand, can sometimes be forgotten by autistic people if it's something they're passionate about: in this case, kristy's need for correction and fairness overrode that

"[the boys in the back are] wiping sweat on each other, but somehow, i'm the disruptive one" autism in AFABs is often seen as being rude or disruptive despite them often just being passionate about the subject. also, sensory issues again?

"claudia and mary anne and i used to hang out all the time. but that was before claudia decided she was more into boys and clothes than us." another example of how kristy has had very few people in life she considers friends and has stuck with them for most of her life. also, possible rejection sensitive dysphoria made kristy see it as bigger than it actually is, because they seem to be fine when they interact, like nothing happened

in the next scene, we see kristy helping david michael with a puzzle. puzzles are often enjoyed by autistic people due to being structured, logical, visual and with a clear end, all of which are treasured aspects of things for autistic people.

stimming!!! lots of stimming. when explaining her new concept which she has clearly quickly hyperfixated on, we see her pacing and fidgeting with her hands as well as gesturing. also, having a strong moral code and wanting to put in effort for kids to be happy

she seems pretty startled when stacey appears, and is a little upset when it's obvious claudia has told her about the club idea: autistic people find it hard to find their footing after their expectations of how something would go are thrown off, but kristy's new hyperfixation overrules this change of plans

even though her need to infodump and talk about this new idea made her not lose her cool, she's visibly still unsure when stacey suggests things. even afterwards, she tries to... "villainize" feels to strong a word, but tries to make reasons for why she disliked her even though it's obvious she was just taken off guard

"maybe new people weren't an invading force to be repelled at all costs" here we get to see how much kristy detests change—even when it's beneficial, she'd rather stick with one or two friends. pay special attention to the wording: "at all costs". kristy will always try and evade change

another sign of her intolerance for change is how much she just dislikes watson, even though he seems like a nice guy. she doesn't want to accept that he is going to a fixture in their lives because it will mean that her family will change a lot, at least in her view (though i will say she has a lot of abandonment issues and trauma from her dad leaving her which shifts her perception on any guy her mom dates)

also from here on out i think we can see a clear hyperfixation on business and law, judging by her attitude and comments later on about the club

this whole dinner scene just feels very autistic to me: she takes what her mother says about "feeling okay about it" very literally and bulldozes any attempt of conversation. she is not okay about the idea of her mother marrying watson and she doesn't understand the social cue of her being more gentle about it. she genuinely doesn't understand why her mom would ask about it if she, in kristy's perspective, was not going to listen to her, when kristy is the one not listening to her over a misunderstanding.

this might be more of a me thing, but kristy trying to send her mom an email to apologize just feels really autistic to me, as it resonates hard with me and what i've done in the past. i used to leave messages in google translate for my parents to apologize. idk but its worth looking at

"i'm bossy, get used to it" shows that not only is she fairly controlling, but she's also aware of this fact. i couldn't find much research on this, but many autistic people are bossy or controlling so they know what to expect and so that things go exactly to plan.

kristy's lack of tact and sense with the phone. just. that.

claudia remarks that she's starting to remember why she stopped hanging out with kristy so much—because she's controlling and "bossy". this is partially due to feeling like everything that happened with her dad was out of her control and so it intensified the shittier he became, combined with that, autistic people can tend to come off as too much. also, rejection sensitive dysphoria—stares off into the distance and doesn't talk.

autistic people tend to be very trusting of others, taking lots of what they say at face value, and struggling to comprehend why someone would lie to them. despite only knowing stacey for a short amount of time and not even completely liking her, she's devastated when it turns out stacey was lying to them.

"this whole situation has spiralled out of my control, and that's a feeling i really, really hate." same points that have been made above—absolute control over what happens when they're involved is a big thing for autistics so they know completely what's going on. add on her trauma about her absent father, and it makes sense why she acts the way she does.

more about the trust!! she trusts stacey to not only know about her hyperfixation but also to be directly involved in it—that's a really big deal for us autistics!! it means we Trust you!!

more hammering in about kristy's control issues. i'm glad i've only seen One (1) fic demonizing her for it but at the same time that's one too many

kristy being just. so blunt. i love her. "you're controlling my THOUGHTS now?" "yes." a lot of autistic people don't see any reason to not be honest most of the time.

is just. dead serious about the "i should resign before i'm impeached".

more bluntness!! "when mary anne gets scared at something you think is silly, do you make fun of her and call her a baby?" "yeah, sometimes." "oh. but you're still her best friend, right?" "yes." but also, bluntness isn't always a bad thing. kristy just casually throws in the "i love you" because she thinks it at that moment and means it, so she sees no reason not to say it because it's true.

more finding it easier to say stuff like "thank you" over text than in person, just like the "i'm sorry" earlier

additional notes:

mary anne is autistic too!! we see her stimming, though, stroking the end of her braid during her convo abt the club with stacey, kristy and claudia. also her just letting kristy speak a lot feels autistic but idk how to explain it. also, she's good with visual organization, such as keeping things orderly in a google docs and writing minutes. i feel like she'd rather her do it than anyone else, that way she can help the club and make it easier for her to concentrate on the club itself. also, stacey and even claudia, her childhood best friend, both remark that she doesn't speak a lot. she definitely isn't nonverbal, but she absolutely lets people talk over hers and seems to find it more comfortable to not speak, at least early on. i could only find stuff for nonspeaking and nonverbal autistics, but i've had several periods where it wasn't uncomfortable to speak, but i was much more comfortable not speaking, which i think might be the case for mary anne, though it could be a mark of her simply not knowing what to add.

claudia CLEARLY has adhd!! she doodles and fidgets a lot, and many adhders turn out to be artists due to their creativity and excess energy that they expel via doodling. she draws on her shoes, and the teacher remarks that she "wouldn't want another failed quiz on your average", indicating her struggle with school, which we see even more of in the coming episodes, and people with adhd tend to have poor academic perfomance, mainly for their struggle with executive dysfunction skills.

claudia also spells "prety grate" instead of "pretty great" in her email to kristy. judging by this and later scenes in the series, it's possible she has dyslexia and/or dyscalculia, which has been reported to more or less have a 25% comorbidity with adhd

janine is also pretty obviously autistic-coded; her room is very dimly lit, she hardly ever leaves it, has flat affect, doesn't pick up much on claudia's social cues, has a special interest in computer and tech and whatnot, has a very extensive vocabulary, and butts in on conversations with her advice without asking before leaving after they get what she's saying

and that's it for episode 1 !!!! tell me what you think, and i'll see you all with part 2 very soon :)

[thelostgirl21]

"My number-one priority, which I said to her, was just to make sure that we were doing it right and that we did it sensitively with a care and a kinship, and I wanted to avoid all kinds of stereotyping, really. So there was an awful lot of script rewrites and things like that. We deleted whole scenes in favour of songs. So I brought in a new song, and I said: 'Can we just cut all this dialogue, and I can just sing something?'" - Joey Batey, Digital Spy interview

The first time I watched that scene, when Jaskier started singing that last part to Prince Radovid:

Of them, I’ve had enough. With you, I have enough. With you, I am enough. I am… I am enough...

I literally started crying. Because, although it's played for laughs, since the beginning of the show, Jaskier's often been portrayed like this "annoying character" that tries too hard to be liked, wanted, and involved in his friends' lives... to find his "forever home"...

But often, he just gets punched in the gut, blamed for everything going wrong in other people's lives, gets told off when he tries to introduce himself or be included in moments where people are there to offer each other comfort (but apparently want none from him) as a result...

Season 2 started to make some progress on that, with Yennefer and Geralt allowing themselves to show more vulnerability around him, and telling him that his help his needed...

Season 3 saw characters that are usually so quick to dismiss him and treat him harshly (ex: Yarpen Zigrin) actually thank him, when they realize how selfless Jaskier can be, and the risks he is willing to take to help others (even those that treat him like an annoying nuisance)...

But still, he'd gotten used, at some point, to being "barely tolerated" rather than "wanted". And his "break up" with Geralt broke his heart and hurt him so much that, although forgiven, I believe it did leave some scars...

As someone with ADHD (that has a tendency to get overexcited about a bunch of things without noticing that it doesn't interest people, impulsively interrupt them with my thoughts, follow them around, and "impose my presence" without meaning to) and associated rejection sensitive dysphoria, Jaskier's behavior and emotional responses are something very easy for me to identify with.

And having him sing "With you I am enough. I am enough," hit me right in the feels, in the most cathartic way!

Prince Radovid is the first person we met on the show, I think, that was shown as being immediately happy to meet Jaskier, wished to adopt that puppy and bring him home right away, saw him as being irresistible and special, envied Geralt for having Jaskier as a friend/companion, couldn't get enough of his singing, and listened when he talked to the things he didn't say...

Knowing that it is Joey himself that just decided to basically show up to work with that song he'd written, and ask if he could sing it instead of using the dialogue in the script, just ended up offering yet another layer to that scene.

When hearing him sing:

"It’s not a want, it’s a need, it is paying no heed to what others say to sing."

now, I can't help but feel like there's some kind of "meta" dimension to those lyrics, as the actor chose to sing what he - as the person embodying Jaskier - wanted to sing, rather than what had been scripted and what others would have wanted him to sing.

That song feels deeply personal, born out of a very intimate understanding of the character, and how being treated the way that he used to be treated would have emotionally and psychologically affected him.

I'll be 100% honest, when Joey was talking about the sapioromantic connection between the characters, and explaining how Radovid wore a mask, was a bit of a mystery to him, and how Jaskier would become fascinated and wish to figure him out...

...I was genuinely concerned that they'd somehow manage to "romanticize" yet another toxic relationship, where the two characters would constantly be trying to outsmart and play mind games with each other.

But that's not it at all. They are both seeing what they try so hard to hide from others. Prince Radovid's environment is highly toxic and dysfunctional (as Jaskier aptly described, he's stuck in a vipers' den) - knowing too much, or not enough - can mean life or death for him.

Whereas Jaskier tries so hard to meet expectations and be what others need or want him to be - give voice to other people's issues, stories and problems - that he all but becomes invisible to others himself as a process.

Sure, they know his name and his songs. But they don't know Jaskier's own soul or story. He fades away in the background for the benefit of others.

They are both trying to figure each other out not because they are people that enjoy indulging in court intrigues, manipulating others, and dominating "the game" for their own gain...

They are trying to emotionally connect with the good, beautiful, and vulnerable parts of themselves that they have been forced to hide from the rest of the world to survive.

They are highly insightful empathetic individuals using their gifts on each other to empower each other, rather than malignant narcissists using their perceptiveness to control each other.

This is an extremely refreshing and healthy relation dynamic that I was sort of hoping for - since Joey put so much emphasis on how important it was for him to offer a relationship that may be flawed, but handled sensitively and carefully without resorting to stereotypes - but this totally went above and beyond my expectations!

If Joey Batey himself isn't queer, then he's got such a capacity for love and emotional empathy that he's apparently able to care about queer issues with the intensity and insightfulness of someone that has experienced them.

The fact that he's using queer labels and sub-categories that are often lesser known by people outside of the LGBTQ+ community to describe Jaskier's sexuality (sapioromantic, panromantic or pansexual...), as well as talking about issues affecting non-monosexuals, such as the desire to avoid bisexual erasure, brings some much needed attention towards the richness and diversity of the LGBTQ+ community!

I sincerely couldn't be happier, or more grateful...

Apparently, there are plans to further explore Ciri's bisexuality, too, with the introduction of Mistle in Season 3!

Here's hoping they'll be using Jaskier as "queer consultant" for the other queer romances on the show...

Also, the relationship between our sweet Bi!Ciri and her weird Pan!Uncle Jaskier means everything to me...

I'm trying to remember if Ciri has been exposed to any models of queer romances in her life...

I mean, most unions between princes and princesses, or kings and queens, are often political alliances. They might have same gender consorts, but I'm not sure that this is something they would have educated younger princesses about, or made very "public".

I sort of want to have her catch Jaskier and Radovid while they are kissing at some point, and realize that the innocent crush she had on Triss in Season 2 is something that is perfectly normal, and that she shouldn't be afraid nor ashamed of that part of herself.

Maybe even go to him and start asking him questions about it... That would be a very thoughtful and sensitive way to explore what being queer means in the world of the Witcher; having Ciri learn, directly from Jaskier, about the potential risks associated with being in an openly gay relationship.

There would really be such an opportunity for the two of them to continue to bond over something like this, and Ciri would know that she's got someone that genuinely loves her and that she can trust to support her and the choices she makes regarding her love life in the future, no matter what.

I can see so many possibilities, though I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about this (since if they went that route, it would just seem too good to be true!)...

[stargazeraldroth]

First of all! This is very late, I’m super sorry about that- I had some stuff going on (work, feeling under the weather, etc), but! I have returned!!!

MSMAMSKS THERES SO MUCH TO GIN LORE THOUGH- But! Starting with the basics, the largely known version of Gin (and the one I’m mainly focusing on!) is actually a continuation of the original Hotarubitale AU- As a brief summary, Gin was a baby very close to death, his version of Gaster took him into the forest of monsters and remade him into a skeleton (I believe monsters and spirits are one and the same, here?), he met his version of Frisk when they got lost in the woods and led them out, they slowly develop some form of relationship, eventually years later he dies after touching a human child he mistook as a monster pretending to be a human.

The Gin associated with Ink comes to life here! Basically, he becomes a ghost who watches over his version of Frisk, only for Error to attack the AU. In the process of trying to stop him, he earned that massive crack in his skull, and Ink intervened after that to drive Error off and whisk Gin to the Omega Timeline with Core Frisk.

It’s… A Lot to explain, from there, and it’s been a while since I’ve done an in depth look, so I might be wrong- And I don’t think I could adequately do it justice (the siiversans blog has a summary page of the plot, though, as a sort of sparknotes!), but basically “shit goes wrong, Gin has a surprise brother (hello, Papyrus!), anons cause shit to go wrong again, people are brought back to life temporarily and shit is somewhat fixed??? Bonding happens, OH GOD SHIT IS WRONG AGAIN AND GIN IS DEAD-“

As a summary of Gin and Ink’s relationship… Well, for starters, Ink promised Gin safety and protection, and they’re very dear friends- Trying to describe the dynamic is kinda tough for me, but I’d say… Soft? People around them would say they should kiss apparently (they were! Very good friends!), and they have a sort of playful, carefree air to them, I think. They never got together in the direct canon because they never confessed before Gin died, but they were happy together. There’s a lot of unspoken regrets, there, and unvoiced love that I think would hurt Ink for a long, long time after the fact.

I! Don’t know!!! Aaahhh I’m just soft for them-

Moving on though!!! I could certainly see him having both, though rejection sensitive dysphoria is more applicable here, you’re right.

Cross is Ink’s Emotional Support Guard and Ink is Cross’s Emotional Support Artist. That’s it that’s the dynamic they’ve got going on. I like to imagine they try and blanket burrito each other when they’ve healed a bit. It’s just funny to me.

Truly, we fall into many of the same holes. I also have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, ever, at any given point in time. Whose bright idea was it to make me an adult?!? Either way, Error trying to cheer Ink up with puppets is really fucking cute, love that sort of thing- And even if he’s awkward about it! I think Ink would appreciate it! Error, his main rival, using one of his hobbies that involves creation to cheer him out, however begrudgingly, would be heartwarming, in a sort of way, you know?

Aaahhh, I didn’t mean, like, “Error is a god” is annoying! More like… When people make him Good and Flawless and functionally elevate him to the level of a “God That Does No Wrong” scenario, you know? I’m a sucker for actual god (but still flawed) Error! It just. Peeves me when his actual, manbaby and not-a-good-person (at least conventionally) personality is wiped out in favor of making him our Lord and Savior and Ink the Scum of the Earth, like you said. And! I don’t believe it’s changed, and he does, if I’m remembering correctly, destroy AUs because, in his eyes, they’re glitches and abominations- Corrupted copies of the original that shouldn’t be hear, in his opinion. Like, I’ve legitimately seen people characterize Ink as having a god complex, and I’m like… Guys, Error is Right There. Either way, I’m with you- People should write what they want! They can interpret as they please. I just, uh, wish that wasn’t a total misinterpretation of one character at the expense of my comfort character. Come on, guys, Ink doesn’t deserve that.

AJZAKJNZ I’LL BE QUICK ABOUT IT AND GIVE A SHORT SUMMARY I PROMISE- If you’re still interested, lemme know! But! Basically, it’s Forced God of Destruction, with unwilling Error and all… At first. Because really, why would whoever assigns these jobs make someone eternal duty something they try to escape from? So he destroys reluctantly at first… And then with a bit more of an open mind and rationalization, because this is- Surprisingly fun? Half of these guys are assholes anyways, or living in their own personal hell, so really, he’s doing them a favor. They should be thanking him! He’s basically a god- Hell, he is a god! And he just gets more and more into it, into his role- Starts being more haphazard and careless, and suddenly the inhabitants of the AUs are even being given the dignity of peaceful, painless deaths- It’s terror and pain and a glitched skeleton laughing like a madman as his tears their souls apart.

He gets far, far too enthusiastic about it, is what I’m saying. So much so that the Balance starts to… Tilt, a bit- Or a lot. Because Ink, meanwhile (also a god), had been careful to not inspire/create (depending on whether he’s actually a creator or a protector here) too much- Especially since creation takes so much longer. The Balance was an important, delicate thing, after all, and difficult to fix.

If I keep going, I’ll never shut up- Just! Error going too far, too fast- And Ink having to clean up after him and fix things! I’m very passionate about this!!!

Hhh Broomie I’m sorry!!! I’ll just. Pretend Core or Cross picked it up. Ink is already suffering so much, he needs a break.

Shattered and Blue probably treat him like a plush toy that talks, let’s be real. Poor Ink is pretty much carted around and placed (forced) next to or between them to “cuddle” and shit. They don’t want him to feel sad! And if Shattered has to hold him down with tentacles… Well, they’ll get him to see things their way eventually, they’re sure!

They’re the “why are you running” meme. That’s it, that’s them.

Nightmare’s the deadpan snarker of a narrator we’d need to get through the suffering that this AU would bring, huh.

OHHHHHHH I'M FINALLY HERE! I've been getting put through the washing machine by schoolwork, especially that treacherous subject... math. But! I'm back now! I've also just been extremely lazy and stuff.

Dammit Error. You always, ALWAYS come in and ruin people's happy lives with your need for destruction and annihilation! I still love you, my glitchy manbaby, but please. Just once. Just stop. Honestly, my brain's not processing everything after a long day of mathematics, but it's shoveling in that Ink angst pretty well. Do I have a problem? Nooo... do I need therapy? Maaaaaybe... but that's not important!

I like how I knew next to nothing about Gin's lore or his dynamic with Ink, yet I still included him in my Food Fantasy AU. And the best part is that his counterpart in that AU is based solely off the mask I saw him with like.... once??? I don't know.

Cross and Ink are mutual support buddies and I love that for them.

While it is adorable to think about Error trying to put on an awkward puppet show for Ink to cheer him up, I can't help but imagine that he might... not be the greatest? I mean that he might use a Dream and/or Blue puppet to try and cheer him up, but that might just make him even sadder because those are puppet versions of his best friends.

This. This is exactly how I feel whenever I come across one of those stories that does little more than just flip the roles. As in, the Bad Sanses are actually misunderstood babies who aren't at fault for what they've done and the Star Sanses are the Scum of the Earth, toxic, and the worst people to have ever lived. The concept of making the Stars secretly evil and all could be interesting, I think it has a lot of potential when used properly! But the idea has been largely ruined for me by a lot of stuff that just feels one-dimensional, you know? I don't care if people use the idea, I've personally written things that the majority would disagree with, I can only encourage people to add more depth to the characters; if the Stars are going to be the actual evil, then why are they evil? What are their motives? This is especially important for a character like Dream, who is the embodiment of all positive feelings. If the Bad Sanses are the actual good guys, then how/why do they deserve redemption? Why are they actually good? A lot of people use the Balance as an excuse, but the Murder Trio (and Cross, if he's there) is exempt from that- those three aren't relevant to the Balance. So that really only applies to Error and Nightmare, and while Error doesn't really have many other options, Nightmare technically does. There are ways to cause negativity other than murder, guys. If they're still going to use the murder route and stuff, then what makes them the good guys? What makes them deserve that reveal/acknowledgment that they're misunderstood?

Another important thing to consider is that the Bad Sanses aren't entitled to forgiveness, especially Error and Nightmare. Like yes, Error was (presumably) forced to destroy AUs for the Balance, but that doesn't erase the consequences of his destruction. That doesn't erase the fact that the Omega Timeline is FULL of people/characters who escaped from their destroyed worlds, who lost their homes and their families. Nor does the necessity of his role make those same people magically forgive him. Can they be understanding of his position? Certainly. Do they have to immediately forgive Error? No! In fact, they don't have to forgive him at all! The Bad Sanses aren't entitled to forgiveness just because they're secretly the good guys. ESPECIALLY if they're still having the Murder Trio commit murder to spread negativity, when there are known alternatives.

Anyway, moving on from that little rant. I am so sorry for talking your ear off and I hope nobody gets too offended by what I said, I just get really into this stuff. Can I just say- I absolutely love how you have Ink be aware of the Balance! So many FGOD AUs have it to where Ink either has no clue about the Balance or doesn't believe it exists, and I'm like??? Why??? He's literally the Protector of the AUs, if anyone would know about the Balance, it would be him! It's literally crucial to his role to protect the AUs, they'll fall apart without it! My personal headcanon for my own stuff is that Error's actually the one who didn't believe in the Balance (harmony between destruction and creation? A Truce? Even if it really does exist, ignoring the Balance only benefits him! Get outta here with your pacifist BS, Ink!) and Ink just can't stress it enough to him lol.

ANON TELL ME AS MUCH AS YOU'D LIKE- you can always send it in a separate ask if you'd like! That way you can focus on just your AU and not have to worry about the ask being too long!

I like how this went from "Ink gets isekaied back to his unfinished AU" to "Oh shi- SAVE THE BRUSH!"

Man, you're right- they probably treat him as some kind of glorified teddy bear at this point (ngl I actually have a headcanon that Ink is a surprisingly wonderful cuddle buddy). He's usually good with cuddling and physical affection, but this is just... no! Let him go!

It's been too long. I forget what that was responding to.

Nightmare as the narrator of this AU is perfect. I never knew I needed this in my head.

[allthebooksandcrannies]

I am so tired y'all.

My brother apparently told my mom that I mentioned that my coming out to get didn't go nearly as well as when I came out to him the other day. This isn't his fault, I didn't think to ask him not to tell her but I really should have considering she's almost certainly where I get my rejection sensitive dysphoria from.

First I got a text from her saying my brother had told her and expressing confusion since she thought the conversation "went about as well as it realistically could have." Honestly I don't disagree. Knowing her, it literally went almost word for word how I expected it based on past conversations and conflicts. But that didn't mean it didn't still hurt when her attempts to be supportive made me feel invalidated and alone.

I took an hour or so to calm down and get my thoughts together. Then I wrote a long message apologizing for hurting her and explaining why I felt that way. I was so careful to use my "when you said this... I felt this..." statements, to make it clear that I knew some of these feelings were not rooted in insecurity or fear instead of reality, while also admitting that while I knew she was trying to support me I did not feel supported. I repeatedly told her she did nothing wrong and I wasn't mad at her, just disappointed that she didn't feel the way I had hoped she would while acknowledging that we're both valid to feel how we do.

I really thought that would be the end but I should have known better. I got back a massive essay of defensive backlash that I really should have expected explaining why everything I said was wrong and not at all what she was trying to do (despite me having already said with each point that I logically knew those were not her intentions, just how I felt when they happened). She says I was hiding her and assuming I knew why she did everything she did and that I should have known better than to feel like I needed to comfort her in that moment since she's a grown woman who doesn't need her kid to manage her emotions (as though I haven't been her personal therapist since I was seven years old).

She told me I make her feel like I'm ashamed of her, that I judge her, and think less of her because of her beliefs.

What do I say when that's completely true? How can I not be ashamed when the woman who taught me to treat others how I want to be treated and to stand up for the oppressed tells me herself that she doesn't see anything wrong with genocide and ethnic cleansing bc "if you don't kill them all the next generation will attack you when they grow up" and "they brought it upon themselves by not leaving and tolerating Hamas." How can I not think less of her when the person who taught me to always look into the sources and keep an open mind to new evidence refuses to do the same and calls me elitist and brainwashed when I share someone I learned

[electrosweaters-arts]

🌸🌵🦴for jekyll perhaps 👀👀

Hehehe :3c 🌸- Favorite Headcanon: My personal favorite headcanon to write him with is that he has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and can go non-verbal at times because of it. But I feel like I should also include a sillier one so Uhmmm :3c

I think Utterson was the one who liked puns/wordplay first and Jekyll just kinda latched onto it as well because they'd been friends for so long, and Utterson unknowingly gave Jekyll the idea to name Hyde that way like 15 years ago from some joke about Jekyll's name that found its way into his subconscious.

🌵fact about them in one of my aus - My only AU is Cryptid College SOOOO I will give a more recently made fact from me writing out some backstories for them, specifically that Poole had one of THESE bad boys when they were kids because Jekyll would go to his room in the middle of the night to ask for a sleepover REALLY often, since he had trouble sleeping alone.

I think Jekyll would still do this as a grown ass man as well if he ever actually visited back home for a night, and Poole would still be hard-wired to just kick the bottom part out while half alseep upon hearing the door open.

🦴what kind of extinct animal I’d give them- UHhmm :3c (<- she is looking up extinct animals on google) I think he'd have some sort of poison frog and apparently these splendid poison frogs went extinct in 2020 so I'd say that, I think it fits his Vibes. Also if i'm wrong and theyre not extinct that's googles fault not mine I don't know about animals.

[rockinlibrarian]

Fic Writer Review

@pixiedane tagged everyone on this, and considering I've been wallowing in my sudden Being Into Fanfic lately (though to be honest I've been READING a lot lately more than writing), see this link, I figured I'd take her up on the challenge. You, too, may take ME up on the challenge if YOU have been writing fic!

how many works do you have on AO3? 19. That's much less than @pixiedane! I'm a baby fic writer!

what’s your total AO3 word count? 66,239

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they? There are technically seven listed, but "Marvel Cinematic Universe," "The Avengers (Marvel Movies)," "Captain America (Movies)," and "Agent Carter (TV)" all apply to the same fic, so really just 4. But that doesn't count fandoms I've written but not completed (and therefore posted) for. So there are more to come. Maybe. Sometime.

what are your top 5 fics by kudos? *

"On the End of Endgame," 51 kudos, because I'm right and Marvel doesn't understand their own time travel rules and 51 people KNOW it!

"The Puppy-Fly Effect," 39 kudos, because it's Back to the Future, the most mainstream property I've written for! So people see it and say, "oh, I've actually seen that one" and they're more likely to read it!

"The Invitation: an Epilogue," 22 kudos, which is pretty good since this is my newest fic on there. It's a Howl's Moving Castle (BOOK, PLEASE, OBVIOUSLY) epilogue, so considering it's not a RECENT thing it just keeps getting slow and steady readership. I myself have been reading a lot of Howl fic lately, and people are getting comments on their decade-old stories from me now, so I imagine this one also will slow and steadily keep accumulating hits and kudos.

"Kerry and the Meaning of Life," 20 kudos. I'm honestly not sure why this is, by far, my most kudoed Legion FX fic. It's the first one I ever wrote, and got me started on the whole writing-the-entire-Loudermilk-coming-of-age rabbit hole I fell into to begin with, but I've only improved over time, I think, but even after I'd posted other Loudermilk backstory I think is objectively better, this one still gets the most!

"Syd's (Third) Childhood Begins," 15 kudos, because when people finish watching Legion FX the NATURAL move is to seek out fix-it fic. I wouldn't say this is fix-it really as much as ensure-the-ending-is-actually-happy-it, but I did use the "fix-it" tag, and at least one of the commenters DID say they immediately came on AO3 "looking for pretty much exactly this"...

do you respond to comments, why or why not? Absolutely, because I know what it feels like NOT to get comments, and also what it feels like to-- I don't know, I just get paranoid, if people don't respond to me, I think stuff like "Did I say something wrong? Do they not care about my opinion? Am I invisible?" so I'm Do Unto Others-y about it, even if all I can think of to say is "Thank you!"

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Well, I haven't actually posted (read: finished) the ending yet, but it's definitely "Exploration of the Astral Plane," because that's just Legion FX canon. No spoilers, Oliver Bird starts out the show having gotten lost decades ago, and this is the story of HOW he got lost, and his friends didn't KNOW if they'd ever see him again, so the paragraphs I've written of the end do make me quite teary! The fic's really fun despite the canonically sad ending, though, honest!

do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written? I have not written one YET, if I recall, unless you count the several mildly interconnected IPs involved in the Pipeweed Mafia Stories, which isn't even posted because I feel uncomfortable posting Real People fic online, but crossovers are fun and I really enjoy reading them, especially when the writer successfully blends things together while being true to the characters. Just today I read a hilarious one blending The Good Place and Harry Potter!

have you ever received hate on a fic? Gosh, this is such an ironic question. I wouldn't say that I WISH I received hate on a fic, but my fics aren't even NOTICED enough to receive hate! I already feel paranoid-- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, you know how it is-- when I don't receive LIKE on a fic! It's LIKE receiving hate for me, because my brain goes into "Does nobody like it? Does nobody care? Are they all too nice to say it's terrible?" mode, so, yeah.

do you write smut? if so what kind? Absolutely not. My demisexual self hates reading it, definitely not writing it. I struggled enough writing just a taste of what a horny, slutty teenager who-talks-too-much Oliver Bird would have been in this AU, and that's mild!

have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I'm aware of. That would really suck, wouldn't it, if someone stole my work and ended up getting MORE LIKES AND COMMENTS THAN ME on it.

have you ever had a fic translated? Also not that I'm aware of, and if I'm not aware of it but it happened I guess that would answer the "stolen" question, too.

have you ever co-written a fic before? Ever in my entire life, I feel like I must have, but not anything I've posted online then

what’s your all time favorite ship? Hmm. Honestly, there are ships I defend passionately if the topic comes up, but I'm not sure I have a favorite just on my own. Especially as I hate smut, so I avoid seeking out specifically shipping stories. But, since I have been reading a lot of HMC fic lately, I should mention that Howl and Sophie ARE one of my absolute favorite fictional couples, but that's just how DWJ wrote them, and I can tell you unfortunately that not all fanfic writers QUITE nail that chemistry...

what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? Speaking of The Good Place, I really do wish I could write the novelization, and maybe I'd write some pieces of it longer than the few paragraphs I have written? But I doubt I ever will, let alone to the point of FINISHING...

what are your writing strengths? Fanfic wise, I like to THINK I understand the characters very well, at least! Writing in general? I think it's just my quirky voice? I'm the only me.

what are your writing weaknesses? Oh, very much FINISHING. But beyond that, it's pulling teeth to get me to fill out the story sometimes. I tend to draft with dialogue, and then I have to go back and fill in what's actually happening AROUND the dialogue, and sometimes I'd rather not.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? At first I was like, I don't KNOW any other languages well enough to do this! And then I remembered the Firefly fic I have mostly written but not completed yet, and you know how in the show their speech is peppered with random Mandarin phrases? My husband has the Firefly RPG book and there's an appendix of Mandarin phrases you might hear in the Firefly universe, and I DID incorporate a few of those phrases into my dialogue, just from that appendix and it's probably horrible, but it fit the universe...

what was the first fandom you wrote for? EVER? The earliest I'm sure about is the Ducktales fic I found in an old Girl Scout manual that I must have written when I was 11 or 12. The first fandom I ever posted on AO3, in response to an exchange, was Legion FX of course, but that wasn't until the ripe old age of 40.

what’s your favorite fic you’ve written? I'm going to give this one to "Two (or Three) Mutant Freaks Against the Fourth Grade" just because it has gotten the least number of hits of ANY of my posts, INCLUDING THE PLACEHOLDER WITH NO WORDS IN IT, so it needs more love. And it really is one of my favorites, because it's just a sweet little story about nerds making friends, and I love rereading it.

*This made me curious which fics got the most kudos comparative to their HITS, because the Endgame one has WHOA more hits than any other fic, but it's over a thousand, which doesn't make 51 kudos look so good anymore. Percentage-wise, it's less than 5%, which seems to be where most of my fics hit when you do the math-- between 4% and 8% kudos-to-hits. The exceptions, jumping up to about 18% each, are the BttF and HMC fics, and, curiously, my beloved childhood friend AU mentioned in the last question-- it may have the least number of HITS (22), but that helps the math when you consider it's got 4 kudos. The HIGHEST percentage kudos-to-hits is its sequel, the childhood-friends-as-teenagers-AU fic mentioned in question 5**-- it's got 6 kudos and only 29 hits, so that's about 20%! Apparently people LIKE when I have to write a sex-crazed adolescent boy. COME ON, people! (The story is actually about Asexuality so I guess it really isn't people just wishing I'd write smut).

**Oh, I just noticed the numbers renumbered themselves when I put bullet points in the middle of the original question 3 there, so this is actually the answer to question 8? But it SAYS FIVE.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2386

okay so i just got the sweetest asks today?????? they're right below this and i'm cryin, i don't deserve you guys ;-;

okay so like,

today was pretty good. at first.

i went on an adventure to the apple store with joel and i even got to hold his hand as we walked through the mall (bc i was walking so slowly bc knee hurt but i wasn't about to question it) but apparently his allergy to lavender might not just be lavender?? he says perfume is spicy air to him??? so. allergy.

anyway, he got himself a new watch today. he really loves it. i'm glad. otherwise i'd need to kidnap it.

we got lunch from friendly's - he didn't realize there was one still around until i said something. when talking about lunch options, he said "i didn't realize there was a pizza hut around here," and i said, "yeah, it's just across the street from friendly's." his eyes got all big and he just went "WHAT" and i said "friendly's it is!" so we got chicken tendies and mini mozzarella sticks and fribbles for lunch. (idk if anyone doesn't know what a fribble is, but it's a friendly's milkshake, as opposed to a frappe, which is thicker.) (terminology is very important.) (even though a milkshake implies shaking milk, and that's just silly.)

but we went back to his house and watched tv for a while. we started watching eureka together since i wasn't terribly far in and everyone else i started watching with has already gone ahead and watched all of it without me.

the rest of this is like. not so good. so tw for depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and self-hatred from here on out, but also like, some good points for therapy.

--

around 7 i realized i needed to be home, so i went home. i was supposed to spend the evening playing diablo ii with andrew, but heading home meant i couldn't do that, and i felt pretty crummy about it, and i realized that my actions caused him to feel like an afterthought. which is the last thing i want him to feel like. he's one of my bestest friends, and realizing that i hurt him like i did kinda broke something in me. and it just... spiraled from there. (... honestly i almost rammed my car into a cliff face. i took my foot off the gas and hands off the wheel before i could do it though. it's been a long time since i last felt unsafe driving. yikes.) and then i realized what was happening was because of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. but just because of that, doesn't mean it wasn't accurate. that being a shitty friend isn't excusable by saying "i'm a disaster" or "i've been busy" or even "i can't keep things straight in my head" when it's really just all my fault. and there's no excuse to treat a friend like i've been treating him. and then i looked at all of my other friendships and relationships, and i saw that same pathetic disconnection in all of them, because apparently i can't make and keep fucking connections ever. because i don't get attached like normal people do. because i don't feel things like normal people do. because i don't see how my actions affect others like normal people do. and i don't get what i don't get. i'm grateful i have a therapist appointment in a little over a week. i should put a list together of things i need help with.

when i got home i was sure to send him a text and tell him how sorry i was because goddamnit if i can't be a good friend then what the fuck can i be, huh??? if i can't be a good fucking person what good things do i deserve???? none, that's fucking what. and as i drove home i started beating myself up over it. literally. when i got home, i did the same thing. it's been a long time since i last hit my head or slapped myself or punched something, never mind my own jaw. and as i was driving as i smashed my fist into the steering wheel repeatedly i said "no fucking wonder you don't have life insurance" because - surprise! - i got denied life insurance back in april or whatever when i got my new car insurance.

jesus fucking christ, even when i got home i just. couldn't handle it. my dad got me flowers for valentine's day - he always gets us stuff for valentine's day. it's always been a thing in my family - we always get things for each other. and i'm pretty sure that's why valentine's day is my favorite holiday. (i thought to myself after the cliff face passed me how awful it would be for people to process i killed myself the day before my favorite holiday, rip) but anyway, when i saw the flowers, i couldn't even continue into the room to watch tv with my parents. i just started crying again. i didn't stop crying until like 9pm. i got to give my parents their chocolates i got for them too, and i honestly didn't get to see their reactions because i took off my glasses before so i'd stop fucking crying on them. and it all just hurt so much. because i don't fucking deserve the kind things people do for me because i'm not a good fucking person. goddamn it. like, i get this is fucking stupid. "oh you're not a bad person" good people don't do what they do and not concern themselves with what others feel, especially when it's their closest friends. good people don't fucking fall apart at the slightest sign of something being wrong. good people don't fucking hurt their loved ones. so fuck if i'm a good person, because i'm fucking not. and i hate that. because if i'm not, i'm nothing. i have nothing going for me. at all. i'm really just a shit human who doesn't deserve good things. fuck.

(goddamn i'm trying, but fuck if i'm succeeding.)

but eventually, i calmed down enough to watch tv. endgame was on by then.

i didn't really eat dinner. i got my mom food from mcnaldos and i feel bad because i transferred money to my account from here to get us both dinner but then i determined i didn't deserve it so i just got her food. i determined i deserved pain so i thought about canceling my orthopedist appointment for tuesday and stopping wearing my knee brace because i deserve the pain. i inflict it on others, so i deserve it myself. found the passing thought of trying to purposefully get corona or how to best tie myself up in tarps to keep my brains from splattering everywhere. driving home... was Bad. hence this. i also half-heartedly started making a list of passwords and accounts i'd need to write down for people to notify others of my death, of how to say goodbye without causing much notice.

jesus fucking christ i have problems.

and now reflecting on it it still makes sense to me. so i apologize to everyone. i'm a disaster and i'm sorry you gotta see me like this.

there's really no need to worry - i won't act on anything. that's just not something i'm brave enough to do. i'm a fucking coward, and that's something you can count on. i cry when people's voices are raised. anyone who thinks i can take the fast train to deadville via the fuckthis express doesn't know how much of a fucking coward i am lmao

fuck this though, fuck living. i'm so bad at it.

[atamascolily]

more CotJ meta, because apparently I cannot be stopped

I don't understand how essence transfer works in Children of the Jedi.  It seems... wildly inconsistent depending on what is narratively convenient at the time.

I don’t know why Callista is able to make the jump from her original body to the Eye of Palpatine’s gunnery computers and then from the computers to Cray’s body without (much) issue, while poor Nichos couldn’t. Maybe it's because Callista had received secret Jedi training from her master that Nichos didn’t have access to? Or because it would interfere with Hambly’s plot to give Callista Cray’s body? 

(I think we all know the answer to this, but I’m gonna go through all the arguments anyway.)

Luke does float the idea of Cray creating a droid-body for Callista to inhabit, which Cray and Callista both reject, but for wildly different reasons.

   “You said Djinn Altis showed you—taught you—to transfer your self, your consciousness, your … your reality—to another object. You’ve done it with this ship, Callista. You’re really here, I know you are …”

   “I am,” she said softly. “There’s enough circuitry, enough size, enough power in the central core. But a thing of metal, a thing programmed and digitalized, isn’t human, and can’t be human, Luke. Not the way I’m human now.”

So Callista’s argument is basically that a giant ship is big enough to contain her spirit, but a droid wouldn't be? How did Exar Kun manage this, then? I mean, granted, he was evil, and had low standards for ethics, but still... I don’t get it.

I get her main point here: she believes she's more "human" as a ghost than she would be as a droid, or with her spirit somehow “translated” as a series of zeros and ones, as Cray was somehow able to do with Nichos. And I can see why she wouldn’t want that kind of existence for herself. But I still don’t get how consciousness works in this novel, and why Callista can’t transfer herself--her real self--into a different object, the way she did before, instead of being “translated” by Cray into a digital copy.

This also begs the question of how much Callista's HUMAN spirit is influenced by thirty years in the computer core, which the novel doesn't address, but fics like Deaka's "Blue Screen" on FFN are fortunately there to fill the gap.

Here’s Cray’s take on Luke’s request to “fix” Callista:

   “To turn her into what Nichos is? To cannibalize parts from the computers, wire together enough memory to digitalize her, so you can have the metal illusion around to remind you what isn’t yours—and can’t be yours? I can do that … if that’s what you want.”

   ...“Not the way you and I are human.” Cray came over to them, her blond hair catching fire glints in the greasy light. “Not the way Nichos was human. I should never have done it, Luke,” she went on. “Never have … tried to go up against what had to be. My motto was always ‘If it doesn’t work, get a bigger hammer.’ Or a smaller chip. Nichos …”

   She shook her head. “He doesn’t remember dying, Luke. He doesn’t remember a switchover of any kind. And as much as I love … Nichos … as much as he loves me … I keep coming back to that. It isn’t Nichos. He isn’t human. He tries to be, and he wants to be, but flesh and bone have a logic of their own, Luke, and machinery just doesn’t think the same way.”

   Her mouth twisted, her dark eyes chill and bitter as the vacuum of space. “If you want me to, I’ll make you something that’ll hold a digitalized version of her memories, her consciousness … But it won’t be the consciousness that’s alive on this vessel. And you’ll know it, and I’ll know it. And that digitalized version will know it, too.”

So Cray rejects it because she doesn’t want Luke to make the same mistake she did: of seeing a replica as the original. And she makes a point of calling herself out on her attachment to Nichos, so much so that she warped and twisted her life to try and hold onto to him when she couldn’t. And she’s telling Luke not to do the same thing with his own life--which he will of course ignore.

I'm used to thinking of identical digital files as interchangeable, but that's not the case here when you're downloading human consciousness. There's also this idea that the droid/digital versions isn't "real," which is also worth chewing on, but a whole 'nother philosophical debate in and of itself.

But Cray's other point is also worth considering: the body we inhabit has qualities of its own that are impossible to deny; they shape our experiences of the world. This is why I'm absolutely floored that nobody ever follows up on Callista's experiences in Cray's body--how she's able to just smoothly take over, and the only issue ("software bug"?) is that she can't access the Force. This is... probably not how it works. I wrote a fic about this, but it only scratched the surface of the story possibilities for dysphoria and "body-as-a-character".  

(I solve this problem of essence transfer in other fics by arguing that it only works smoothly--i.e., with minimal dysphoria and a complete transfer of Force powers--if your spirit jumps to a physical clone of your original body. This explains why clone!Palpatine can access the Force, while Callista can't, because Cray's body 'recognizes' Callista's spirit as foreign to itself and is continually fighting her, so much so that all her Force abilities are tied up in holding her in that body--which is also Force-sensitive.)

Also, re: robot bodies and human consciousness, I’m reminded of a passage in Yeats’ “Sailing to Byzantium” here:

   Once out of nature I shall never take    My bodily form from any natural thing,    But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make    Of hammered gold and gold enamelling    To keep a drowsy Emperor awake...

"Sailing to Byzantium" is all about what it means to be old in a failing body, right from the opening line--"That is no country for old men". And while it's poetry and there are a lot of ways to interpret, one valid take is that it's about shedding your bodily form to become a robot/artificial construct so you can live forever, and I have a lot of Feels about that in relationship to Star Wars. (Paging Anakin Skywalker!) But I digress.

Going back to CotJ.  an additional problem is that any physical components will be carrying the malvirus of the Will:

   “Thank you, Cray. And don’t think I’m not tempted. I love you, Luke, and I want … I want not to have to leave you, even if it means … being what I am now, forever. Or being what Nichos is now, forever. But we don’t have the choice. We don’t have time. And any components, any computers, you take from this ship, Cray, will have the Will in them as well.

I don’t know why she can’t jump to an object unconnected with the Will--like, say, her lightsaber. Isn’t Exar Kun using a big statue of himself as an anchor? I mean, it’s kinda of impractical compared to being inside a computer, but maybe it could be a temporary thing until Luke is able to build her a ship of her own??

(A lightsaber would be a really good choice as an anchor because of the kyber crystal inside, which Callista may or may not have a working relationship with if you hold them to be sentient or partially sentient beings...? There's fic potential there, that's all I'm saying.)

(As a further aside, in my Star Wars/Portal crossover “Testing Limits,” I postulate that the Will is a GLaDOs-like uploading of a human consciousness into digital form. I still believe that holds true for canon, even though there’s not much supporting evidence other than that the Will is set up as foil to Callista and it adds to the incredibly Gothic atmosphere. Either the Will is human consciousness, or it’s modeled after human consciousness for maximum Uncanny Valley effect because Luke is always describing it as having a presence and malevolent intentions, and Callista is always fighting it.)

So Barbara Hambly spends a lot of time establishing that Cray's body is the only viable (hah!) option for Callista, which will be important later on. But let's get back to Nichos for a minute, and his failure with essence transfer. 

It's weird because at the beginning of CotJ, Cray talks about Nichos transferring his SPIRIT to the droid body using the Force and Ssi-ruuk entechment--which sounds eerily identical to what Callista did thirty years earlier--but they know something's wrong right away when Nichos can't use the Force. Cray's all "I can fix that, it's a technical difficulty!" but Luke knows better. Everyone knows, except for Cray.  

I think THAT is the moment where Luke and Cray should have had a Talk, when it was absolutely clear to everyone that whatever Cray was doing hadn't worked--that she'd succeeded in making a digital copy, and the original Nichos was actually dead.

Instead, Cray buries all her considerable energy into "fixing" Nichos mechanically. She believes with enough research, she can shape the droid Nichos into a human being... which doesn't solve the fundamental problem and misses the point entirely.

He heard her voice, its usual brisk sharpness honed to the brittleness he’d heard in it more and more in the past six months...

“It’s really just a matter of finding a way to quadruple the sensitivity of the chips to achieve a pattern, instead of a linear, generator. ... Hayvlin Vesell of the Technomic Research Foundation spoke in an article of going back to the old xylen-based chips, because of the finer divisibility of information possible. When I return to the Institute—”

“That’s what I’m trying to impress on you, Dr. Mingla—Cray.” Tomla El’s voice was a murmuring concert of woodwinds. “This may not be possible no matter how finely you partition the information. The answer may be that there is no answer. Nichos may simply not be capable of human affect.”

“Oh, I think you’re wrong about that.” She’d gained back the smooth control in her voice. She might have been speaking to a professional colleague about programmatic languages. “Certainly a great deal more work needs to be done before we can dismiss the possibility. I’m told also that in experiments with accelerated learning, at a certain number of multiples of human learning capacity, tremendous breakthroughs can occur. I’ve signed up for another accelerator course, this one in informational patterning dynamics …”

Her voice faded down the corridor. A great deal more work, thought Luke, hurting for her, pressing his hand to his brow. It was Cray’s answer to everything. With sufficient effort, sufficient maneuvering, any problem could be surmounted, no matter what the cost to herself.

And the cost to herself, he knew, had been devastating.

I actually really like Cray's arc in this novel--that she's forced to drop the perfectionism and workaholism she uses to block her considerable pain, and comes to accept the situation as it is, and finds peace in doing so. I just wish this realization didn't culminate in assisted suicide, that's all.

(That said, this scenario gets 100% creepier if you imagine flipping the genders here--if “Dr. Mingla” was a male scientist resurrecting his female lover in a droid body. I wonder if Luke would have intervened sooner in that case, instead of just assuming Cray had everything under control because she was an expert?)

While we're on the subject of "by any means necessary" and "avoiding one's problems": in contrast to Cray, Callista's original decision to transfer her spirit to gunnery computer to watch over it is framed as laudable. But even there, there are hints all is not well:

“It wasn’t … so bad, after a time. Djinn had taught us, had theoretically walked us through, the techniques of projecting the mind into something else, something that would be receptive, to hold the intelligence as well as the consciousness, but he seemed to regard it as cowardly. As being afraid or unwilling to go on to the next step, to cross over to the other side. Once I was in the computer …”

I.e., there's a reason why essence transfer is mostly practiced by the Sith--because it's a kind of clinging to life, or a version of life, rather than embracing what is and moving on...

Also, I don't see anything in this explanation that requires computing capacity, as Callista will claim later, so... *shrugs* I don't know what's happening there. CotJ has this weird relationship between the Force and tech, where Luke can physically manipulate objects with his mind, even though the Force is only generated by "life", but Irek remote-starting the Eye of Palpatine or controlling Artoo-Detoo is seen as "impossible" and novel. And yes, Irek does have special training and tech augments to help him, and I like the implication this is a specialized skill, but...like I said at the beginning, I don't get how this all works except for “narrative convenience” and “authorial fiat”. 

Anyway, CotJ strongly implies that Cray was misguided to cling to Nichos and to pursue "life" for him at all costs, for both Nichos and herself. Yet somehow when Callista does it, it's okay, because Luke loves her... even though Callista herself is way more ambivalent about what she's done, and her acknowledgment that

“Everything has to be paid for... I should have known there would be a risk... I might have guessed there would be a price.”

And I think that's one reason I like Children of the Jedi so much: that there IS a cost, that there ARE consequences, and not even magic space wizardry can fix or solve every problem. I like that Callista pays a price for the ethically dubious act she does--somewhat, but not entirely mitigated by circumstances, and by Cray's eagerness to participate in this (unprecedented?) experiment.

Also, you want more nightmare fuel? I just realized last night we only have Callista's word for what went down on the ship in its last moments--that, and it seems 100% in keeping with Cray's state of mind leading up to this, to the point where Luke was afraid to leave her alone because he was worried she was going to hurt herself. It gets even creepier when you realize Callista's ghost immediately volunteers to sit with Cray after Luke realizes this,  and I can't help but wonder what happened between the two women when Luke isn't around to witness it.

Callista's account at the end makes it sound like Cray realized at the last minute that she wanted to follow him--that it was an impulsive decision, somewhere in between stunning Luke and stuffing him into the shuttle and the destruction of the Eye of Palpatine--but I wonder. I really wonder. Cray and Callista clearly had time to plan a "what if Luke doesn't cooperate?" scenario and leave a recording for him to find in the shuttle, so I wonder how exactly the whole "you can have my body, I don't want it" conversation went down. There's a fic in there for sure.

But even taking Callista 100% at her word, I like the irony that she chooses to go along with Cray's scheme in part because she's so in love with/emotionally attached to Luke (just as Cray can't let go of Nichos and Luke can't let go of Callista)--only to eventually realize that there's something she values more than her relationship with him, namely her own life, and her own relationship to the Force, which has always been a part of her life and is now "missing". Cray chooses to die for love, Callista chooses to live for love... only to set it aside, because LIFE is more important to her than her love for one specific human being... just like she sacrificed her own life to destroy the Eye, and left her first lover in the process... PARALLELS, Y'ALL. I LOVE ME SOME NARRATIVE FOILS, YO.

Anyway, this got long and rambling, but I believe my initial thesis that essence transfer is wildly inconsistent and the results depend almost entirely on narrative convenience still stands.

[hidefdoritos]

Sometimes the words we use for things just lead us to the wrong conclusions.

I am 19 years of age and am just now coming to the conclusion that I may have ADHD. Even the phrase "attention deficit hyperactive disorder" guided me away from thinking I had it. I didn't have any problems paying attention (except when I didn't have anything in my desk to fidget with, or people were talking or clicking, or other things were more interesting). Surely I didn't have a shortage of attention--I was paying attention to everything all the time! And I wasn't hyperactive, as an overweight asthmatic who was pressured into always looking presentable and never genuinely rough-and-tumble played. I was good at the sit down sit still shut up type of learning, because I got approval for doing it.

I didn't get that my baseline 40%-bored-all-the-time is nonstandard. I didn't know that not everyone can sometimes multi-multitask and sometimes not do Anything, and not control that. I got to college still baffled about why I sometimes sat in front of my laptop with a paper to write and still did absolutely nothing for hours at a time because my brain refused to cooperate, and why I couldn't always learn in a class where my professor wouldn't let me crochet.

Even the slightest moments of disapproval felt earth-shattering. The countdown timer in my head of "x days to go until deadline" didn't automatically click down the days, and I had no connection between "paper due Thursday" and "Thursday is tomorrow" without consulting a planner. In my study skills class, where we got graded on bringing our planner, I duct-taped my planner to the inside front cover of my binder so I wouldn't lose it. My dad tells me about how he used to read to me as a little kid and watch me change positions all over the couch, apparently totally uninterested until I stopped him to ask a relevant question.

I didn't know what it meant to zone out because I had never genuinely zoned in on reality. When dad talked to me about how unfocused I was when we worked together, he taught me how to hyperfixate on the current project and try to guess what we would need to do next so I stayed engaged (which is awesome fun, especially when I'm right!). I didn't get that it's nonstandard to be sitting at my desk writing graduation thank-you cards and texting five different people on three different apps while listening to an audiobook for school with tolerable comprehension. I also didn't get that it's nonstandard to be doing all that while fully intending to get up and go get your water bottle but just Not doing that.

But I've gone 19 years thinking words like "attention deficit hyperactive disorder" and "hyperfixation" and "rejection-sensitive dysphoria" and "zoning out" didn't apply to me, because I had absolutely no concept of what they meant.

[jakey-beefed-it]

Trying to catalogue the ol’ comorbid disorders a bit so maybe i can do something about some of them possibly. Under a cut because hoo boy, not an exciting or fun analysis.

definitely have depression. prozac makes it better. not good. but better. manageable. no longer aggressively want to die. just sort of low-key don’t care if i do a lot of the time. sometimes forget that i have a physical form and am briefly almost happy. then see self in mirror or have difficulty fitting into a booth at a restaurant or smth and suddenly want to crawl into a hole and die

definitely have massive body-image issues (rimshot... see because.... massive body... because... it’s a fat joke... anyhow). sometimes wonder if i’m on the asexual spectrum but then remember how things were for me as a horndog teenager and probably it’s just that i’ve got a suppressed libido due to weight, depression, antidepressants, and overwhelming tsunamis of shame whenever i think about my body in any way shape or form

definitely have anxiety. plagued by nightmares and disrupted sleep and have like 2 full on anxiety attacks in any given year where i feel like i’m having a goddamn heart attack but heart attacks don’t respond to biofeedback, ya know? also, apparently, have night terrors such that i scream in my sleep. which is. kinda funny, in a humiliating way.

have been diagnosed as bipolar in the past but don’t really have proper manic phases anymore. at worst, have mixed states where brain is going very fast... about how much it hates me/itself/everything. less ‘mania’ and more ‘high-speed depression’. might not be bipolar actually based on -

almost certainly have adhd based on like... everything ...but reluctant to go and get a diagnosis and treatment because i’m so full of self-loathing that i feel like i don’t ‘deserve’ to get treated for being a useless sack of shit/due to just generally low self-esteem which is... wait for it... a symptom of adhd

apparently adults with adhd are like... pretty regularly misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. because they’re obviously depressed (being brainweird is depressing and alienating) but also often hyperfocus and such.

anyhow yeah. almost certainly have adhd, basically tick every single box but especially hyperfocus but especially rejection-sensitive dysphoria. i’ve gottan a much better handle on responding to creative rejection or perceived rejection with anger but that sure did used to be a thing for Young and Craziest Jake between like 18 and 24 who had NO idea what the hell was wrong with him but it sure was a LOT. i always had a pretty solid handle on interpersonal rejection in that it would make me feel shitty (sinking, cold, numb chest, physical pain) but i would respond with ‘oh.’ and try to get the fuck out of that social interaction asap rather than being an entitled asshole about it. but hoo boy did i used to view any perceived slight on my creative pursuits as like, a thrown gauntlet. i’m much better about that nowadays at least! just reacting with ‘oh’ and wanting to get the fuck out is more eusocial than being a prick about it.

anyhow basically perceive self as fundamentally loathsome and disgusting, inside and out, without merit or value, and so naturally all pursuits that bring fleeting distraction from that are prized but can turn to ashes real goddamn fast if they’re not *quite* distracting enough and i have a moment of self-perception. while, say, painting miniatures- the image of a hunched and stinking sack of lard making ugly expressions with an ugly face while concentrating entirely too much on something utterly irrelevant. can ruin it for days. not even sure if that qualifies as anhedonia (which is another big thing i DO suffer from) as opposed to like... anti-hedonia whereby all my hobbies just remind me of what a piece of shit i see myself as. to the point where the other day i was strongly tempted to take the sisters of battle minis i’m currently working on and just smash them to bits in a fit of misplaced rage. they’re plastic, it’s not them i hate, it’s my damn self, and so destroying something that i put a lot of work into offers the promise of brief catharsis without more direct self-harm. suppressed the urge thankfully- learned how to do that the hard way over the past decades, too. the aftermath is always achingly regretful and not at all cathartic.

anyway. this situation. it’s not good, obviously. should really do something about it. maybe seek adhd diagnosis. maybe try to work on self-acceptance both mental and physical. that’s incredibly difficult though. to unlearn years and years of messages from within (and without, sometimes) that i’m unacceptable. have tried improving, have had some success in becoming better person, have had no success in giving a shit about that and still focus on all the negatives. 

tl;dr this is basically that dumb nietzche quote ‘acute crisis; in bed all week’ that people meme on except instead of being in bed i’ve been having difficulty staying asleep and instead sort of standing around like

which admittedly is something i do kind of a lot hence my fuckening icon but yeah. acute crisis.

nothing anyone can do about it but maybe me, so i guess i’d better either do that or try and work into a hyperfixation so i can put this all aside for a while and just be in the zone.

[snowtimeisbesttime]

Thoughts and questions on Volume 9, routes 1 and 2! (a day late orz.)

-The entire volume in a picture: that one crying cat that's white and Screming. Both with and without heart emojis, as there's both happystuck and sadstuck here.

~ROUTE 1~

-Nepeta, canonically: :33c

-MC's just doing friendship stuffs because they don't have anything else to do now... Recovering their Friendsim memories AND discovering they can't get to their old friends anymore's really put a damper on their mood, at least here.

-No matter the universe or game you come from, cat rps are forever.

-just like jade, sgrub would have allowed nepeta to finally meet her friends in person........

-Nep stims with her claw gloves and doesn't really do the whole eye contact thing. She also clearly values not being lied to, as seen in how many times she asks MC if they really know Equius; I'm not sure if that Need to be Completely Sure of what people are telling her is because she has been hurt before*, but if it is I'm going to be very :,((( and also DDD:<

*like how rejection sensitive dysphoria is an adhd thing but Also is kinda because of trauma?? anyways. in this house we stan nepeta leijon and would lay down our lives for her.

-UM those dreams of Nepeta's sure sound like dreambubbles... and the easiest way to access the dreambubbles (besides physically going to the Furthest Ring) is going to sleep without a dreamself... so what's up with Dream Nepeta??? is she alright???? and if not then Why would she specifically get offed???

-Regarding Nep's not seeing the MC in her dreams: until very recently, all of their alternate selves were hovering around alpha MC, and then they were absorbed into them. That might be a thing to consider??

-We get a brand-new Narratively Unimportant Trait: Nepeta used to live in a normal hive until it -and likely also her neighbourhood- was apparently destroyed by drones or something for who knows why, and that's the reason she now lives in a cave in the middle of nowhere. She doesn't clearly remember this event, probably because she was very, very young (and she's 13 here) and because it was extremely traumatic. And she almost certainly hasn't had any face to face interaction with another troll since then... no wonder Pounce's so purrotective of her.

-(how'd she get things like wifi or sopor slime for her cave?)

-Nepeta managed to escape certain death by fleeing to the wastes, but where does Polypa live in Friendsim's present time? I might be wrong but iirc she does not live with Tegiri...? then again, Nep still has her lusus.

-newsflash: alternia is suck

-MEOWRAILS REUNION!!!!!! fimally.... (though wouldn't equius have told nepeta about the mc??)

-In her group end, she gets to befriend Jade and Dave even if she doesn't meet Equius irl, and they bond over their respective fursonas.

-Why does Nepeta have Two Good Ends? Because she deserves it (and because her bad end is very sad).

-MC's powers sure are growing, if they're able to teleport people without touching them and also overpower Bec. Not that they're of use in Nep's bad end, where Dave and Jade just. Dissolve into alternia or something.

-On the topic of Narratively Unimportant Traits again: remember how screwed up Dave's and Jade's respective upbringings were??? Here's a reminder!! He just holds MC's guts in place when they take Pounce's attack (and outright says he's got experience with that kind of wounds); meanwhile she sews them up- it's the first time she sews up something that isn't a corpse. And both of them had to get their medicine from... unusual sources, to say the least.

-nepeta went to get some leaves, to heal mc

~ROUTE 2~

-One'd expect the MC to know about Sollux at least, considering what went down in Karkat's routes... unless they don't have access to their memories of Pesterquest's bad ends?

-They heard about him enough to get incredibly hyped up about befriending him, though! And by “incredibly” I mean Please Chill A Little.

-Where in Nepeta's route they were just sad and really bummed out, here MC is convinced that there's another mastermind using them and their friendship quests for who knows what nefarious purposes; they also ponder what else they might have forgotten. Considering we did many stuffs to Pesterquest's reality in Aradia's route, who is it with the Evil Plans this time???

-how does gamzee even have a driving license / access to a (clown) car?????????

-Of course Sollux picks the bee-themed train. How many other Bug Themes might Alternian trains have? Because there's a lot of fancy and funky bugs... many butterflies, ladybugs, orchid mantises...

-mc's phone confirmed to be 1) still alive and 2) a troll nokia or something

-According to Sollux, MC's been messaging him non-stop for the last few days?? We don't get any confirmation on this happening, but we know that Sollux can actively perceive MC's narration- just as he could perceive CD's commands back in Homestuck. (Dave, who can also hear the narration, had something similar with AR; Terezi and Rose also perceived their exiles' commands, but the only one to also have Weird Meta Shit in Pesterquest was Rose.)

-Remember when we though Karkat was stranded on Earth on his good end? Well it looks like Sollux's the one actually stranded, in his bad end! Hope either MC'd get him back home eventually or he found somewhere safe to camp....... though it's a bad end so we'll have to wait and see if it's referenced later on.

-Sollux is understandably still upset about being used by Vriska to kill Aradia, which we know happened about a sweep ago. No but really, what's up with PQ!Aradia?? Why did she just disappear?

-He's also understandably freaked out about the whole “finding out a random troll whose voice he heard (= is going to die soon) is in the same bee-themed train compartment as him” thing; did MC's mere presence avert that possible bad future, or what?

-We get confirmation that Sollux's psionics are stronger than Azdaja's and Kuprum's, though we pretty much knew this already. More like it's further established that stronger psionics equals smoother movement.

-what's that, gamzee didn't completely break all the laws of physics* when he got out of the cloun car? fear not- sollux's going to take care of that with his powers! (*he did cronch all his bones though)

-Sollux and Kanaya are friends! Though (iirc) they didn't really interact that much in Homestuck, they were close enough to go through what sounds like some sort of aesthetically recognizable phase together... and whatever it was, we're sure as hell not finding out. At least in this timeline, Kanaya introduced Feferi to Sollux.

-solluxander is canon btw

-There is some extra worldbuilding about psionics, which basically amounts to “if you overuse them you'll perish” (which we also knew already) but like, with chemistry stuffs. Considering our Friendsim psionics, age almost surely affects a troll's ability to not keel over after using their powers too much...

[thebarefootking]

Little Brainweird Lauren pt. 10

People have all kinds of childhoods. Some are happy, some traumatic, some confusing, troubled, peaceful, frustrating, windblown or some mix of all of the above. If I had to pick one feeling that characterised the majority of my childhood (and less so, continuing into adulthood), it would be the gnawing notion that I was somehow doing or saying something wrong and didn't know what. Almost as if I permanently had spinach in my teeth: the feeling that someone wasn't telling me something, and that, if they did, I would be embarrassed, but at least able to fix the problem. As if my words and actions had some polluting odor to them that only I couldn't smell. As if there was some great nuanced secret the world was privy to but which I trampled over on every given opportunity.

I suppose it isn't much of a surprise, give my puritanical upbringing combined with my rejection-sensitive dysphoria and difficulty parsing social situations and subtleties.

When I entered gradeschool, I think I unconsciously attributed some of this feeling to coming from poor, Appalachian, country folk, with a somewhat different mode of speaking and living than my city school peers. (My father refused to send me to the school closest to where we lived, opting instead to drive me into town each day, because the city school had brand new computers in each classroom, and he prized an education that involved technology. I remember this fact with a giggle every time he asks me to show him again how to send a photo over facebook.) Where my classmates' houses had City water or, occasionally, water from a private utility company, our house was connected to a well. Where they had sidewalks and streets, we had dirt roads and cow pasture.

My language use, especially, was distinctive. Much of it has left me over the years of active repression on my own part, or been watered down in a mix of what I've picked up from television and the people around me, but Little Lauren had a thick accent and unusual vocabulary. For example, when I learned the parts of the face, the space between one's eyebrows and hairline was taught to me as the 'headbrow', not the 'forehead' or ‘brow’.

While visiting some of my parents' friends in Oregon during my fifth summer, I spent a lot of time playing with their daughter, who was approximately my own age. I recall using a particular word or phrase meaning 'tomorrow morning', one I had used all my life up until that point, and which my family used. And yet, the other child didn't understand at all. It took several tries for us to communicate, and I was terribly ashamed that I, apparently, wasn't speaking correctly. I never used that phrase again, and it has been so long that I don't remember it and can't even think of what it might have been.

I wish I had more of my first natural dialect available to me, as something I could code-switch into. Sometimes the accent is there, but never as profoundly, and nearly all of the specific vocabulary and word usage is lost to me.

[ironsoftie]

Haha I love getting super excited to play games with my family because the hurricane is finally hitting and what a better time to drink and play games right? Wrong apparently if you ask my uncle!! I fully set up cards against humanity while talking about how ready I was to play with everyone and how we got a new deck to shuffle in for the storm and how much I was looking forward to it only for my uncle (who had just said he didn’t want to go out to get coffee- like my dad and he usually do- because the storm bands were coming in) to get up, get dressed, and only pause long enough to ask my dad if he was coming before walking outside as I went to hand him his stack of white cards. And my dad said “we’ll play when we get back!” Knowing mom would fall asleep before that and knowing that my uncle- for some unknown reason- will refuse to play.

I love having rejection sensitive dysphoria!! Especially when it’s compounded with strong as fuck sangria and crushing mental health issues!!!!!!!! Love feeling that hot mix of shame and anger and a general sense of being off and wrong!!!!!!!!! What a great time, am I right, lads?????????