#('consciously' as in i'm not doing it with the active intention of pulling out my hair)

[s0dabeach]

there are probably better places to ask this especially since i'm not tagging it in a way where ppl on here with answers are likely to see it but...... where is the line between hair pulling/picking as a stim or a bad habit vs something like trichotillomania

[pompomchihuahua]

Sanemi Shinazugawa: A Man of the Pack

So, everyone has likely seen this image:

Wherein Muichirou likens all of the Hashira (most of the Hashira, poor Giyuu) to animals.

Today, I want to discuss why Sanemi being described as a wolf is particularly insightful and apt.

But first, let's take a look at wolves in nature, specifically on the nature of sibling relationships between wolves and how they relate back to Sanemi. In this analysis I'm gonna pull out a lot of terms like Alloparenting, kin selection, and cooperative breeding, but bear with me and I'll do my best to explain everything! (I may have abused my college library for fandom purposes, oopsies!)

You've probably heard by now that the classic "Alpha wolf" pack structure that was popularized in 1970's is very much a misrepresentation of actual wolf packs in the wild. Actual wolf packs are often made up of closely related individuals with one main breeding pair. This main breeding pair produces offspring, which then become members of the pack and participate in future hunts as well as future child rearing.

So! A "pack" is really just a family unit. Most are made up of the parents and all their offspring.

Now, you've probably heard the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child."

If you have, congratulations! You now know the concept of Cooperative Breeding in a nutshell! Basically, cooperative breeding is a social structure characterized by alloparental care. Alloparental care is any form of parental care performed by an individual towards young that are not its direct offspring. Such as...

...an older sibling raising their younger sibling.

Alloparenting is actually incredibly rare among mammals, with only about 3% of species exhibiting this behavior, the most famous of which being humans and wolves.

This is because it is a form of altruism, wherein an individual sacrifices something for the benefit of another individual. In the case of wolves, this may be food, time, or other resources as siblings will take up feeding, warming, and guarding duties while the alpha pair and other siblings are on a hunt.

Sanemi is a family-oriented man. His entire character is driven by family (and yes, this does include the likes of Masachika and Kanae, which I will discuss later).

His early life revolved around raising his siblings. When they passed and he was forced to kill his mother, his life shifted then to revolve solely around Genya, his remaining pack.

What I find interesting is the way Sanemi looks at the world through a lens of family orientation. Close friends are not simply "friends," they are family, and thus, pack. For example, Masachika became an older brother figure to him. In signs from the wind, when he was becoming Kanae, he looked at her the same way he would look at his mother. Even the way he views Tengen is through the lens of an older brother figure.

"He often acts like an older brother."

He talks to Shinobu "since she's Kanae's little sister." (thus, in a way, extended pack).

Hell, even his annoyance at Giyuu makes more sense when put into this light. Putting aside his glaring inferiority complex (and really, we shouldn't because it does play a huge role into why he hates Giyuu), we see that Giyuu very much plays into the "lone wolf" archetype. Something that very much goes against the pack-oriented nature of wolves.

Even calling Giyuu a lone wolf is a bit of a misnomer. Wolves leave the pack with the intention of starting a new pack. Thus, lone wolves are actively seeking companionship, something Giyuu is very much not doing (at least not consciously).

It clashes against Sanemi's very nature as a man of the pack. This "I'm not like the rest of you," shtick. It not only implies he's somehow above them in Sanemi's mind, but it also defies the natural order of how Sanemi perceives the world.

Despite his brash attitude, his openness is rated at 60% and he's often depicted within the inner group of the hashira.

He's not a social butterfly, but he is by no means a loner. Just look at how well he gets along with Obanai!

So, returning to the wolf analogy, we know that Sanemi is a pack-oriented man who places the survival of his family above all else. Let's talk about why wolves are so invested in their family members survival.

It's a concept known as Kin Selection.

Kin selection is where a trait is favored by the success of the individual's relatives that possess it and successfully pass it on.

Think of it like this: You share approximately 50% of your genes with your full sibling (with identical twins sharing 100%!). You also share 50% of your genes with your parent. You share just as much genetic material with a sibling as you would with your own child.

Theoretically, your sibling's success is also your success genetically.

This is, of course, a hotly debated topic, however.

Not every wolf is interested in starting their own pack. Let's talk about 0'6, the most famous wolf in Yellowstone. Specifically, let's talk about her mate's brother, 754M, who, instead of starting his own pack, followed his brother, 755M and joined his pack instead where he went on to help raise his pups as an uncle and served as a sort of third pack leader.

Which, is reminiscent of Sanemi's stance in the main story. His dreams are for Genya to find a "mate" and have "pups" of his own and build his own pack. And while Sanemi has no plans of being there physically, he plans to spend his life fiercely guarding Genya's pack, much like 754M.

Once again, however, the validity of kin selection among wolves is a a bit of a hot bed among animal behavioralists and evolutionary biologists, but it is applicable in this case to Sanemi.

Sanemi very much does not care for his own success. He says himself that if he should die, he would die with a sword in his teeth, taking out as many demons as he can while Genya has a bushel of kids.

Sanemi being described as one of the most family oriented and surprisingly altruistically loyal mammals is one of the most apt metaphors Muichirou could have chosen for him.

Everything from how Sanemi views the world to how he operates to even his appearance and tenacity can best be described as wolf-like.

Including, me thinks, the fandom's tendency to demonize him. Wolves are one of the most misunderstood animals out there and lately a lot of light has been shed on the beautiful creatures. With the Infinity castle movies so close to releasing, I think the same shift in perspective will be coming for Sanemi soon as well.

Now to link my sources! Hoo boy. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here.

[rottenpumpkin13]

I'm curious, what do you think was the WORST injury Zack had and SOMEHOW got away with it? You can go Hurt/No Comfort if you want we're all collective masochists in the end

Have it your way >:^) - also this took so long because I wrote a version that was not a fun read for the Zack enjoyers and had to tone it down asdfghjk

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

He vaguely recalled reading an article about comatose patients: how their consciousness, though unresponsive, remained active—suspended in void between life and death, poised to be drawn toward one or the other. Comas were like waiting rooms, and he almost wished he had something to occupy his mind—a magazine, a comic book, even a crossword puzzle, despite his usual disdain for them; anything to drown out the voices that began at precisely 4 PM each day.

Angeal was always the first to arrive, the squeak of his boots unmistakable against the polished hospital floor. He would listen intently as the supervising nurse provided updates on the condition—“No significant changes in his neurological status, the expected timeframe for him regaining consciousness remains uncertain.” But Angeal's positivity never wavered. "He will," he would insist, bless his ignorance, "Zack's strong.. He'll pull through this, I know he will."

In the first week, Zack wanted to shout, “Hell yeah I am! Watch, Angeal, I’ll be out of here in no time!” By the third week, it was as if he’d lost his voice—both literally and metaphorically. Zack prided himself on his perseverance, as if he were born with sunny-tinted glasses that allowed him to pull through everything without a fight.

Scraped knees as a child became cool battle wounds in his childhood; timeouts transformed into prisons the warrior he pretended to be had to escape; and the vegetables his mother forced him to eat were poison he had to avoid at all costs. Naturally, the waiting room analogy was what he clung to in order to stay sane.

Next came Sephiroth, heralded by the unmistakable clatter of his shoulder guards—a sound Zack likened to a cat bell, one he’d be sure to tease Sephiroth about when he woke up. Sephiroth never asked the nurse for updates; Angeal must have already filled him in. Instead, he would walk silently over to the bed, place a hand gently on Zack’s forehead, and whisper softly: “I miss you. Get well soon,” before carefully adjusting his blankets, making sure Zack was comfortable.

Inside, Zack was desperately screaming, "I will, I promise!" but Sephiroth couldn't hear him. By the fourth week, the harder Zack tried to scream, the further he felt from reality.

Then came Genesis, his presence inundating the room. He spoke to Zack as if he were awake, greeting him with a cheerful, "Good evening, Puppy," and proudly asking, "What do you think of my new coat?" Zack wished he would never stop talking. Genesis would then sit beside him and read aloud from Loveless. Zack suspected it was Genesis’ version of a prayer, and for that, he didn't mind at all.

And then there was Cloud. Zack's longing to scream out surged whenever he caught the meek shuffle of Cloud's boots, followed by the faint squeak of him thanking the nurse before entering. Cloud would meticulously style Zack's hair, crafting his signature spikes with care, as if determined to preserve Zack's essence even in his incapacitated state. His touch was gentle as he spoke to Zack as though he were awake and listening intently. Cloud would vent about his rowdy squad mates, grumble about his stern commanding officer, and lament the monotony of patrol missions where he strived to do his best

And then came the most difficult confession.

"I'm gonna stop trying out for SOLDIER," Cloud admitted one day, his voice soft as he tended to the flowers by Zack's bedside. "Tryouts are approaching, but… it just wouldn't feel right without you. Not that I'm all that confident I'd make it anyway, but I can't bring myself to do it without you here."

If Cloud could glimpse inside Zack's mind, he'd hear him screaming.

He was so helpless, trapped inside that cage, that body that wouldn't just WAKE UP. He needed to get up, he needed to be there for Cloud, and for Angeal who wasted so much time training him, and for Genesis who was finally starting to warm up to him, and for Sephiroth, who’s friendship he valued so much.

But it was useless.

He wanted to give up.

So he did.

He caved, and let the darkness take him.

But it rejected Zack. As much as death teased and loved to embrace him, it eventually always spat him out again. And maybe that was Zack Fair’s curse, cemented when his eyes fluttered open one morning.

Hovering above him was the unmistakable silhouette of a SOLDIER. With great effort, he lifted his heavy eyelids, only to find Kunsel standing before him, his appearance clearly older than the last time he had seen him. Zack should have noticed the calendar hanging on the wall, its numbers spelling out the year "0007."

Yet, instead of acknowledging the date, Zack's trembling voice broke through the silence. He questioned Kunsel, struggling with each word. He asked about Angeal, Cloud, Sephiroth, and Genesis.

Kunsel looked grim before replying.

“There was a mass desertion at SOLDIER years ago.”

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Storm/The Eye, Pt. 5

Believing that Weir is dead and McKay is in mortal peril, Sheppard proceeds to go on what amounts to a rampage.

The first scene of The Eye (S01E10) seems to continue the show's meta-commentary. McKay, brave toaster that he is and possibly at least partially motivated by the desperation that they can all hear in Sheppard's voice over the intercom, places himself between the gun and Elizabeth. The dialogue tells us what's going on (with the show and where it's heading):

Kolya: Sheppard put you in this position, not me. McKay: You can't do this. This is crazy. You need her! Sora: She's right, Commander. McKay: I'm not kidding. There are codes required to activate the shield – codes that only she knows. You can't do it without her! Well, you can't do this without me either. I mean, we're a package deal. You take us out of the equation and-and-and-and you don't have an end game.

The fact that Weir and McKay are a package deal is emphasized by their placement, McKay coming to stand in front of Weir and obstructing her. That is to say, the show needs to imply attraction between Weir and Sheppard to be able to explore the relationship between Sheppard and McKay in subtext, to blur the lines between the characters and their relationships. The first they could easily have done without the latter, but the latter they could never have pulled off without the former (re: the shows ties to the USAF and DADT still being a thing when it aired). It offers the cover of plausible deniability while allowing people attuned to homoerotic subtext to easily be able to recognize the narrative undercurrent.

Again, note that McKay is lying to save Weir, claiming that he absolutely needs her help to save the city. Also, it's Kolya mentioning Sheppard by name that initially makes McKay dive in front of the gun. He says "Sheppard put you into this position, not me" which has the implication that if McKay allowed Kolya to shoot Weir, Sheppard would have to live with the guilt of it for the rest of his life, and McKay wasn't about to let that happen. He hears Sheppard's name and he immediately reacts, does something really brave and heroic without even having time to think about it. Because, as I've discussed previously, he is a Big Damn Hero and this very characteristic of his is what Sheppard admires and loves in him so much, even though he doesn't even get to see it this time.

Halfway through his rant McKay realizes that he just put himself into jeopardy, and this is when he starts consciously doing the same thing he has been doing with the Genii ever since their first encounter: trying to convince them of his invaluability (and it's striking that it's always in the service of trying to save someone else, not just or even predominately himself). He has self-esteem issues, he doesn't actually believe he's invaluable. But probably since he was a child he's had to project invaluability, has had to prove to people that he is a valuable asset, to gain acceptance. He thinks that he will only be tolerated if he proves himself irreplaceable.

The characters continue lying to one another. Kolya lets Sheppard know that Weir is dead.

I want to point out two things. Where Sheppard was extremely agitated just a moment ago, willing to do anything, he is extremely and exaggeratedly calm when he tells Kolya that he is going to kill him. Of course he is very upset that Weir should have been killed on his watch. Of course he cares about Weir and is upset by this. But again knowing the outcome changed his demeanor. Sure, responding in a cool and collected way is a performance to hide the fact that he is internally shaken. But he still manages to pull it off.

Then Kolya continues with "Stay out of my way or McKay will join her." That is when we get a brief glimpse at how Sheppard is actually feeling, his internal conflict and anguish (and which is something that he has no intention of letting Kolya know, hence putting the radio down):

Now. My friends. When you desperately need something, you need something so badly that you're willing to kill for it, you start killing off things from the least important to the most important. Like when a parent starts counting down from ten when they're warning a child that unless they cease their behaviour, they're going to "get it". You don't start from one, you start from ten and count downwards.

If Kolya had thought that Weir was Sheppard's main motivation, he would not have started by killing her off. Never mind how important McKay may have been, you keep the ace up your sleeve as long as you can. And Kolya had decided that the ace up his sleeve was McKay, which is why he reminds Sheppard that he is, in fact, still very much holding him hostage.

Again, the main stream audience is going to watch the show thinking Sheppard's entire upset has to do with Weir and Weir alone. And yet we always seem to find McKay between references to Weir and changes in Sheppard's demeanor. And once more, given what we saw of their interaction in the previous episode (Sheppard barely saw Weir when the three of them were in the lab together; he was so focused on McKay it's as though she weren't even there for him; we've really had zero indication of him harbouring some hidden secret passion for her that would explain this reaction; she is not the love of his life and a budding interest would not even begin to explain his reaction here), it makes so much more sense to interpret this reaction and the events that follow as motivated by McKay. Especially in the context of him having lost Captain Holland to enemy combatants in Afghanistan, as we later learn.

Also notice that once Kolya mentions McKay, Sheppard doesn't respond. There are probably a hundred things he could have said, maybe even wanted to say. You can read it all on his face. But he doesn't say anything because he doesn't dare do anything that might provoke this sociopath further. He actually has to stop himself from saying something he might regret. He can't risk responding. Like, he physically has to force his hand down to keep from say something that McKay might end up paying for.

Sheppard was afraid that he wasn't going to be able to save the people he cares about from the storm before, but this is a whole new kind of fear. This is a nightmare of the kind he had never even thought to have. But he's going to move heaven and earth to save the man. He's even willing to kill to save him. Kill a lot of people to save him, as it turns out.

And it is also noteworthy that he immediately springs into action, here. We've seen previously how characters are incapacitated when they lose someone important to them (cf. Cowen sitting down with his legs giving way when he mourns Tyrus). Sheppard is the opposite of incapacitated (in fact, we see him incapacitated in this particular fashion in Doppelganger, S04E04, when he thinks McKay is dead, so we see what Sheppard is like when he's lost the most important thing to him; he's slow, sluggish, going through the motions). This is not a man going through the motions, this is a man on a mission.

Again we get a transition from Sheppard's emotion to the raging storm to indicate that there's a storm also raging within him. The storm is a metaphor for what's going on inside him. And the calmness with which he then proceeds to take out the Genii is him being in the eye of the storm. Because the show is subtle with the symbolism like that.

Sheppard is moving fast, he's being strategic. He's not someone that's blinded by rage on a revenge mission because someone just killed the love of his life. He's also not acting reckless, putting himself needlessly in danger and this is not because he has some payback to do and someone to kill but because he has someone to save. You can contrast all of this with Sora's behaviour later on with regards to her vengeance against Teyla.

He even stops to check his watch at one point because he remembers McKay's words about them being under a time element, that there's a deadline looming over them all -- this is reinforced by the fact that the previous time Sheppard checked his watch, it was on the balcony right after McKay had just checked his watch (unwittingly mirroring someone's actions, again a sign of attraction; although synchronizing watches is also a very military thing to do, to be sure) and told them they have just over four and a half hours until the storm hits.

We are literally told that it's McKay he's thinking about when he stops and actually asks himself, "What would McKay do?" Again reminding us of the fact that for Sheppard, McKay is a hero. That McKay is constantly on his mind.

I also need to emphasize that he is killing actual people here. Yes, they're enemies but they are also human. This is the first time we see him kill humans after the mercy killing of Col. Sumner.

McKay starts fixing the grounding station and it's really quite sweet how he attempts to make it look like Elizabeth is vital to the process to keep her alive. It's not that he's trying to be a hero, it just comes naturally to him. He's not very good with people, though, so Elizabeth both has to explain to him that they need to stall and to actually lie on his behalf. When they overhear that Sheppard has killed some of the Genii strike force over the intercom, it's again only McKay's reaction that we get to this, not Weir's. He made a mental note of it albeit he does not seem to know what to think of it. Sheppard is alive, yes. He's being hunted by people with guns. And he's having to do terrible things.

McKay really is quite rattled, never having been in this kind of situation before. And it's interesting that Weir uses Sheppard to kick McKay into gear. She actually mentions Sheppard by name: "Look, from the sound of it, if we can buy Sheppard enough time, it seems like he can take care of the rest of them on his own." Not only had she figured out that this is what would motivate McKay the best, she is actually getting him to focus by appeasing him, pointing it out to him that Sheppard is really doing quite well for himself out there. She's not telling him that they're going to be alright, she's telling him that Sheppard is safe. Because for some reason she thinks that that's what will motivate him.

And Kolya does the opposite. He's trying to demoralize them by mentioning Sheppard by name: "If you're hoping Major Sheppard can diminish our numbers, you are mistaken." And notice that he is saying this to McKay. He glances at Weir a few times but when he is saying this, he is looking directly and only at McKay. An angel and a devil on his shoulders, they're both using Sheppard to get to him. I find that really interesting. Now, Weir knows him and has been able to observe them for a while now. But these people are complete strangers to Kolya, and he's still figured it out.

Now, if earlier Sheppard had to stop himself from saying something that might cause McKay trouble, McKay seems to be doing the same thing. And keeping quiet isn't the easiest thing for him, does not come to him naturally. But he keeps quiet because he's trying very hard not to make things worse for the Major.

If both Kolya and Weir are using Sheppard to motivate McKay, Sheppard himself is using McKay to motivate himself:

He has a dilemma here. He's trying to think of what McKay would do in his situation but he's come across explicit instructions from McKay not to do what he's thinking about doing. That's quite the pickle! (Also hilarious that the sign can be read as implying that touching McKay is dangerous, telling him not to do it). Are you thinking about touching McKay right now? Because this is not the time, my friend.

From the pleased look on Rodney's face, Sheppard was able to correctly intuit what he would have done in the situation when he shuts down the naqada generator. It's like they're working together as a team even when they are apart.

Continued in Pt. 6

[ambyandony]

whats Angurio’s lore?

OHKAY WOOO!!! BUCKLE UP!!!! I'm half going off the cuff and half just documenting previously decided info.

i think ive got everything in here.

I'd say Angurio has one of the... stranger concepts of my OCs. Unlike Tirami, he is very interesting! (I am bullying my own OC)

JJBA OC: Angurio Profile(tte)

Angurio (from 'anguria' meaning watermelon), full name presumably Angurio Romano Zatta (he's not Roman, so I don't know why his middle name would be Romano, and it's hard to say if this is his actual name, but...) and also nicknamed Ang and Angie by his sisters. He is a friendly guy! He's Italian-born, probably somewhere in his 20s and a bit younger than Melonia. Honestly, I don't know a whole lot about him concretely, necessarily. But I can tell you he's a Stand User, and his locale is technically Vento Aureo. Similarly to Tiramisu, this technicality is because Naples/Italy is his origin and where his family are, so he has ties to the Part 5 locale and a reason to be in the area.

He's also a bit of a viator; a fly-by-nighter (metaphorically)—a common trait in the family—but for him, it's not exactly by choice. Moving out of Naples originally was planned; Angurio never liked the hustle and bustle of big cities and wanted to live in a nice little town instead. And he intended to stay in that little town.

Unfortunately, that didn't pan out.

Of course. who would have fucking guessed.

「High By The Beach」

(design not official but i tried to pull something together. I draw the damn thing a little differently every time I draw it, by which I mean I have drawn it 3 times, and in not a single one of them has it been consistent. i tried to follow my Related Stand Resemblance Procedure here. a good alternate name if i were to rename it would be Blasphemous Rumours)

「High By The Beach」 is essentially built entirely around 'vengeance'.

The Stand targets victimisation or trauma, to put it one way; it picks up on the mental state of an individual who was significantly "wronged" by someone, and if the User—Angurio, that is—feels a strong enough conviction against an act of injustice that the Stand detects, then 「High By The Beach」 can take the "wrong" from the victim's mind, and use it to fuel itself. It then seeks, with Angurio, to 'avenge' the victim in some way ("peace through vengeance"). The taken 'wrongs' are manifested as bags the Stand carries. It becomes stronger through vengeful thoughts, leaving suffering as the wake of good intentions (road to Hell and all that).

Angurio knows that his Stand can remove the 'wrong' from a victim's mind, and he thinks it's a good thing, and that he's just helping them out by doing that. Removing memory and the presence of trauma can surely bring a sense of calm, a sense of safety, but it's all a potent occurrence of repression, and the potential good is temporary. It also leaves the victim dazed, lethargic, or otherwise prone to dissociation.

If the victim was particularly traumatised by the injustice that was taken, then the removal can actually do a fair bit of harm. If a traumatic 'wrong' is removed, it doesn't remove trauma; it removes the memory. If something happens that would trigger the memory—like seeing or hearing something, anything like that—then whatever trauma response the victim usually would experience—a sense of panic or whatever else it may be—they will still experience, the only difference is that they won't know why. Rather, that is, they lose readily available access to the memory of the trauma that would let them comprehend what's going on (at least to some extent).

What Angurio doesn't know—at least not actively, consciously—is that 1. there are these very negative side effects to what he believes are a good act, and that 2. 「High By The Beach」 also gets stronger from these side effects (which he, as stated, doesn't know about).

See, Angurio's very sweet. He tries to be gentle and helpful to the people around him, though he's a bit scatterbrained at times. He also carries around a supply of emergency items (think rescue inhalers, EpiPens, etc), which I cannot verify the legal obtention of; but he keeps them on him in case anyone around him ends up needing them. He's an incredibly empathetic person, which is why he uses his Stand how he does in the first place. He hates to see people—children, especially—suffer, particularly at the hands of someone else. He just wants people to feel safe. You'd be forgiven for thinking he's perhaps a bit of an antihero.

I would thusly have to call him a bit of a... face-heel turn, on a sort of acute scale. Perhaps an anti-villain.

While 「High By The Beach」 does get stronger mostly through feelings of vengeance, what isn't inherently obvious at surface level is that it also severely increases Angurio's mental strain and propensity for needless violence.

Which, um... uh oh!

Because of this, when his Stand's ability is active, and/or has something it's carrying, and especially if he's in the middle of hunting down a 'wrongdoer', he has a tendency to become brutal, cruel, vicious, to the point where he seemingly simply doesn't even know or experience his own rage most of the time and develops lapses of memory when he brings injury to people. And these factors are the main reason why he couldn't just stay in that nice little town like he wanted. Or several of the other nice little towns he's moved to.

As time draws on and he uses his Stand more and more, it seems that he begins to more easily vacillate between the two sides of his essence (nice dichotomy idiot) at disproportionate provocation (or seemingly complete lack thereof); and as a result, now has an odd dualistic personality (what the fuck is wrong with pink-haired Italian men). It doesn't seem to be a Dissociative Identity situation, though—both seem to be Angurio.

He can be a bit hard to read sometimes, though arguably not often. It can be hard to tell if he's Normal or in Crazy Murder Mode at a given moment, but there are usually tells (hair being down is usually an indicator of being in crazy murder mode. sometimes its also just an indicator of he just woke up and hasnt had time to braid it yet). The change is actually so drastic that some people, even after seeing it and seeing the personality swing with their own eyes, have trouble believing that both sides of Angurio apply to the same person.

His relationship with the communities he lives in can vary slightly depending on how others react to his actions and personality swings. But ultimately, he almost always ends up chased out—either "directly" (closest you can get to torches and pitchforks in the 80s/90s) or because the cops are poking around.

Unintentionally he probably actually does more wrong to people in pursuit of justice than what he's trying to avenge.

Even if he didn't, he's quite clearly lost perspective.

He's convinced himself that everything he's done is justified and noble (—whoever it was he just killed; Hell, he probably doesn't even know who it was—but it doesn't matter anyway, so who cares). Ends to a means.

His sense of right is heavily skewed.

Now, while things "making the Stand stronger" is meant in a physical power sense, having the bag(s) of 'wrongs' also gives the Stand everything it needs to help Angurio track down and get to the person they're taking vengeance against. When the bags are opened, the Stand releases a mist that facilitates a very strange, loose form of fast travel that puts them within "proximal distance" of the person they're after. Basically, they disappear into the fog and then emerge from the fog elsewhere, though it generally can only go so far on its own. It also can't go through the walls of buildings unless a door or window is open, since the mist can't really flow through solid matter.

(this picture is not canon. obviously)

Like his sisters, he was born with Stand potential, but not with a Stand. And like (at least) one of the other two, he can be assumed to have developed his Stand upon contact with a Stand arrow, though I couldn't tell you where or when that happened—either after his middle sister left for uni, or after he left Naples. I think things would have gone a lot differently for her if he'd developed 「High By The Beach」 while she was still around him before the whole Passione situation... I'm not gonna get into all that, though. That's Ilta's business. Ask her after she posts the new OC profile update if you're still curious.

Anyway, wherever he got his Stand, it didn't impact anything until after he'd successfully moved to a smaller, much less urban (less noisy and touristy) town. The kind of place where you can actually get acquainted with the other people around you, since there aren't as many.

And things were just lovely at first. Why wouldn't they be? He's an agreeable guy and quite unconfrontational—his older sisters' sibling rivalry seemed reserved for each other, so he never got much of that Big Sibling Bullying toughness that he probably would've otherwise. He was friendly enough to fit right in, even as a bit of an outsider! Made a few friends, or at least friendly acquaintances... even friendly people can have some trouble with actually making friends. Became a minor facet of the community, and his Stand didn't really have any impact on his life. You know, until it did.

Angurio always found himself to be pretty good with kids; kids seem to think he's tons of fun, and he likes to indulge childish imagination and help them learn when he has the opportunity. Whether he had any occupation in childcare is up for debate, but since he eventually became fairly well-known in the community, kids would talk with him plenty either way. And from this came the first time his Stand activated and all the disaster that resulted from it. Unclear if he even remembers what the kid said about their dad, but does it matter?

The man's dead now.

Wasn't really what Angurio meant to do; though, did he actually know what he meant to do to begin with? Hard to say, but either way...

someone saw.

The kid, in fact. Sure, Angurio meant well, but you know what they say about the road to hell—and abusive or not, if you see someone in your house at night murdering your father, I'm sure we can all see how that would not make things too much better overall. The situation didn't really catch up to him fully when he tried to calm the kid down. And when he did come to grips with the situation, he realised that this was going to be... a bit of a problem. And there was only one way to get away with a crime with a witness, right? Still, he kind of has to wonder why his first thought was just to take the knife he was holding and make sure the news didn't make it out of the house.

Well, he did what he had to do; that's what he told himself when he hurried home and started cleaning himself up. So what next? Well, all he could think to do was to start packing up. He didn't leave, not right away. But he packed. He was absolutely unproblematic; nobody would've suspected he could do something like that. Angurio was a bit squeamish, too, so the turnout was certainly quite a surprise and kept suspicions off him for a bit longer.

But when accusations did turn to him, even just once, even just an accusation that wasn't taken seriously, he didn't wait; everything he couldn't transport in two suitcases and a shoulder bag was left at his home, and he vanished without much of a trace. Some people worried he'd gone missing, or that they had some kind of serial killer in their midst, but there were plenty of people who said they saw him leave the day he... well, left.

The whole situation became something of a myth, and even for years after he'd left, his name was passed around in whispers. Some people believed he did it, some people didn't. But he wasn't forgotten. And though everyone in that town knew it, he'd never become important enough for his name to be spread much further.

He tried again and again to settle somewhere but never seemed able to help himself from trying to take matters into his own hands. He wouldn't always take it to the extreme (often, when the wrongdoer wasn't an immediate threat to the victim, they would be alive when Angurio left). But the violence was bad enough to get people after him—police or civilians—and he found himself locally infamous in a few places—but still never important enough to reach beyond local scopes when it came to dissemination of rumours.

They don't always remember him, now that he doesn't seem to stay as long or socially embed himself as much. Some forget his name, or probably wouldn't recognise him right away if he came back. There tends to be at least one person, though, in every town he's lived in, who will never forget about him completely.

He knows that he's talked about, and often negatively or fearfully. With his name passed about in so many places, even though it stayed almost entirely within those local scopes, it was bound to breach containment at least once; when he first started moving, he mostly lived in towns that were at least somewhat proximal to his birthplace, so even in Naples, occasional rumours about him are spread, probably because it's where he's from; but the rumours are much less well-known in the city than in the towns.

He continues to try to live a sociable lifestyle... and also still violently pursues 'wrongdoers' when he detects a particularly angering 'wrong', hoping that at least some good comes from his efforts.

And he continues to try to justify it to himself when he finds that an innocent person got hurt in the process. For the greater good, right?

At least once, he pinpointed himself as the wrongdoer.

And, well...

For the sake of vengeance, what must be done must be done, right?

As long as I survive, a part of him thinks. Another part wonders: is that really fair?

Sometimes he wishes he knew where he got that scar under his eye.

[transhualians]

Content: NSFW references (aftercare), ambiguously gendered reader, implied D/S (bottom + sub reader)

everyone always talking abt sex w an f/o but never aftercare.....

You just finished a scene, both of you still heaving as you each try to catch your breath. Your skin is slick and sweaty, all of those sensations finally registering as uncomfortable now that the wave of pleasure has passed.

Sometimes, after you come, you start to feel guilty, unworthy, dirty— but those thoughts are only allowed to take up space in your brain for the three seconds before your f/o leans down to untie any ropes, remove any other accessories, and begin hugging you, squeezing you with all their might as they murmur reassurances in your ear: that you were so good, so perfect, that they'll take care of everything now, you just have to sit back and let them.

They pick you up, one hand supporting your backside and the other under your knees, carrying you into the bathroom. The room is dimly lit, only one of the weaker lights turned on— such care taken to make sure that every second of your aftercare is nothing less than lovely, soothing, and considerate.

They set you on the counter, and you can't help but whine when their hands leave you. "I'm only filling up the bathtub, my love, just wait one moment." Placating you with a kiss on the forehead before opening up a cabinet, they grab a scented bath bomb to throw inside the tub as it fills with water.

Once your f/o deems the temperature appropriate, they scoop you into their arms once more, setting you inside the bath before climbing in beside you, slotting you in between their legs as their arms surround you, bringing with them a sense of complete security. It smells so divine, a lavender scent that fills your lungs just enough to be calming, but not so much so that it's overwhelming. You let out a deep sigh, letting the awareness ooze out of you as your f/o begins to knead your thighs and calves— they always know just the spots to focus on, the ones that take the brunt of the burden during your activities.

They never stop murmuring those lax, sleepy praises directly into your ear, making you shiver— you can hear it in their voice, how exhausted they are, but they still insist on taking care of you so thoroughly. Sometimes it makes you feel so overwhelmingly cared for that you don't know what to do.

Your shoulders slump as you feel sleep pulling at you more intently. Your f/o grabs a shampoo bottle, beginning to massage the creamy substance into your hair, but you can barely feel it as you nod off.

The next few minutes are a blur of sounds and sensations as you drift in and out of consciousness, relishing in your f/o's gentle ministrations. Before you know it, the warmth of plush sheets is enveloping you, as they set you back into your shared bed and settle in beside you, pulling you into their chest as you instinctually snuggle into their warmth.

Your sleep-addled brain barely registers the words before you're out cold, but they're there, regardless.

"Sleep well, my love. I'll be here when you wake up."

[countryfriedmagic]

i've been learning about magic and witch stuff actively for about a year now & i still haven't like, done any magic. i read way more than i used to, spend more time outside, meditate some, pull tarot cards sometimes... but i haven't done any spells or rituals or whatever despite the fact that i want to

i make a lot of excuses about it. i think the problem is, 1. i feel silly, and 2. i also take it too seriously? like if i can get myself in the frame of mind to decide what to Do, then i talk myself in circles trying to figure out what to focus on. i'm most aligned with the psychological model of magic, so i feel like i need to pick something i want to explore or evolve within myself and do a ritual to kind of cement that and commit myself toward a goal. which begs the question of what within myself i want to devote my energy and attention to.

i don't know! there's a lot of things. there is much to the interiority of a person it turns out. i feel like trying to change a flaw is probably too ambitious, and also not really aligned with. it can't be anything that i'm genuinely convinced i can't do. something i can accomplish or make noticable progress on in a relatively short span of time...

i want to be intentional because i'm trying to achieve an experiment, basically, to see if this can work for me. i think the formula is, create a space where you're in an altered state of consciousness to get deep in your brain's guts. then symbolically & ceremonially direct your emotion, attention, and intellect toward what you're trying to achieve (with the aid of physical materials acting as psychic anchors). all that convinces you something is now going to happen, so you look for signs of it working & the placebo effect kicks in, so for you, magic works. and of course you have to actually do things in the material world to achieve an effect.

lowkey i just want to actually be able to reap the benefits of the power of positive thinking. my view of my life and the world tends to run bleak & i do genuinely feel it's justified and rational. i've spent close to 20 years creating this feedback loop where i already believe i have no power over anything and nothing will ever turn out well. i feel a creative approach toward constructing a better narrative may be beneficial for me at this juncture

if i take something seriously, i take it so seriously that i get lost in the weeds because anything worth taking seriously is worth doing right. it's the 'tism

i know the new moon is coming up in a couple days so i'll figure something about based around that. beginnings, sowing seeds. etc. and this time i really will put out a jar of water and have me some moon water

[sadnessisavegetable]

Praying my Beta Reader Does Not Find this (love them, but no spoilers for them, even on character descriptions)

Hi, hello, I do not typically get much in the way of attention on this site, so I am not afraid of this appearing where my beloved beta, Yuki, can find this. Therefore, this is my dumping ground because I am so incredibly Autistic about my characters.

This is for my Lost Paths AU for LOZ. Lop is the Link of this story, Zyel is the Zelda of this story, Ganondorf is Ganondorf (as always), let's get into Details I Like.

Lop:

This Bastard(TM) was raised by bears. He was literally abandoned in the wilds with nothing but a brand of what he uses as a name and a strange tattoo on his face.

He's deaf because of a physical deformity. It makes everything greatly interesting in the opening of the story.

Said physical deformity made his ears floppy because they are not going to hear the whispers of the Gods, Nuh-Uh, No Ma'am.

Has no shame (much to Zyel and Ghirahim's chagrin) and Will bathe in the Castle moat. In broad daylight. Without much to hide behind. (He picked up the Hero Spirit's gremlin trait very strongly.)

His hair is fluffy and curly and a more honey-golden color, a softer and lighter blond.

Schmol. He looks very cute in everyone else's clothes because they are Too Big for him. But he is mighty enough to wield a Very Big weapon with one hand.

Zyel:

Not A Woman, but still goes by the Princess title so it's not more complicated to the public he will rule one day.

I flung Twili characteristics on this one because ain't no way some random Twili flung themselves at a white(AHEM. I'M NOT WRONG.) royal to negotiate Not Using the Twilight Realm like the British did to Australia.

The Twili blood emphasized the Zonai blood still passed through the Royal Line for Zyel. So Zyel looks somehow more Twili than he should--more like the original Twili anyways.

Nocturnal in the ways that matter, usually hopped up on sugar and caffeine to be awake during daylight and napping during weird times in a 24 hour cycle while more naturally awake at night. (It's so complicated)

Stubbornly figured out how to automate printing presses the way the ancients did, started automating more things (though yet to figure out a coffee one)

More impulsive than any Zelda prior.

Ganondorf:

Resurrected a dead language because he could not be bothered to learn a modern one among his people.

His memory and consciousness is passed through each descendant, activated whenever the previous user of his consciousness dies. Some descendants are lucky enough to get away with dying before they become him, which he doesn't mind so much because they were themselves without question.

Stubborn. Bastard. Will. Not. Lay. Down. And. Die. You can't make him and if you try, his Sheer Rage will swallow your being and make it cease to exist.

A WHORE. HE HAS A HAREM. AND NOTHING MANAGES TO FULLY SATISFY HIS ASS.

Still pissy about how the Gerudo blood got diluted and domesticated just before the Era of Wild Tears. Fully flooded the Gerudo Canyon as a river for the third time now to keep Hylians out because No Fucking More Colonization For Us, Thanks.

Sometimes, when drunk, he causes storms that he knows will hit Hylian towns just because he can (weather magic user go brrrrrrr).

(BONUS!) Ghirahim:

Duke of Hell (Hell is a region in the Land of the Dead in this version, as are the Depths and Lorule, so it's more of a dukedom thing rather than a kingdom, but several dukedoms go into a kingdom from my understanding) and (Mother? Father? Parent?) Creator of Monsters (yes, this BASTARD can actively pull the "I put you into this world, I can take you back out" on all the monsters he made).

Gender? What's that gotta do with anything? You're gay no matter how you approach me with any intent of romance. Up. Up! GAY. Siddown and be gay for me.

His demonic form is more clearly a warped angelic form in my version because he started as a failed prototype to Fi as the Goddess Sword. (Scars where wings used to be, docked ear--HYLIA DID IT IN MY VERSION, blackened, feathered wings on either side of his head, tail with the shape of his blade hidden in the tip of it, white and gold laced through his skin(gold for repairs))

Makes fun of bad historians who have no idea how it really went.

Has puppeted people around to get knowledge out of people without torturing them with waterboarding or electricity or slowly cutting body parts off.

Has five children. All of them are sword/blade demons like him. And it's funny as fuck.

[daveinediting]

So I described this thing about neurons and connections and wiring... and how the wiring makes a difference.

The question is, do we have control over how information moves through all those neurons across all those connections?

The answer is yes.

Here's my testimony:

Off the top of my head, I have two examples.

One is a straight up neurons that fire together wire together deal. The second is an example of diffuse thinking.

Okay.

So one of my Go-To Full Court Press moves for tapping more creative ability than I'm consciously packing is to engage in focused, sustained work on a particular creative challenge for a number of days. After that, ideas start popping into my consciousness.

Good ideas.

The most recent example is a play I'm writing then set aside. I got most of it started through straight up conscious imagination. Once I was into it, though, ideas began to appear. 

Good ones.

There are lots of ways to think about this, by the way. Muse is the most common. I think of mine as a red vault tucked into the floor of a massive cathedral somewhere deep inside my brain. I know stuff goes in there. Things I experience. Things I learn. Whatever I intentionally send in there.

And I definitely know what comes out. The stuff that magically appears in my conscious awareness. 

But inside that vault?

I have no idea.

I have no clue what happens in there.

I just know I'm continuously grateful for the gifts that flow from it.

Okay. So I set the play I was writing aside because, well, because there was no deadline. 

By the way I do much, much better with deadlines. I won't lie.

Then maybe a year later I think it's stupid to just stop like that so I pulled out the work I'd already done, read through it from front to back, and then started tweaking, expanding, and creating.

And after a few days of that?

Yup. You guessed it.

Ideas started showing up on my mental front porch again.

Good ones.

Out of the blue. At times I wasn't even working on the play. Once, ideas even showed up while I was driving.

That line, by the way, neurons that fire together wire together, also describes building up muscle through daily exercise. It also describes what happens to those muscles when you stop exercising. Not wire together. So my process, essentially, this process is intended to beef up a specific neutral network to the point where it does some crazy heavy lifting for me. And then when I stop putting in the work... it stops putting in the work.

Booooo, but...

I get it.

😕

The second example from my creative experience is called diffuse thinking.

It's a way of thinking that I tap into by going for a walk, engaging some activity while at the same time considering some creative challenge that's on my plate.

Diffuse thinking is different from blunt force intentional problem solving that activates a particular neural network. Diffuse thinking activates neurons in disparate parts of the brain because now the brain's directing and coordinating some other activity. So sending a thing to consider into that mental machinery at work necessitates something that reminds me of a roundabout detour. It's certainly not straightforward linear thinking. My thoughts seem to go places of which I can't be aware because I'm doing something physical that also must be attended to. So in-between those times when I'm aware that I'm thinking, my thoughts slip from my conscious awareness and, next thing I know, I'm making progress with some new ideas, some new elements with which to play, some new strategy or even the next little bit of what I'm working on.

I used this method the most over the last two years. Intentionally, that is. Because if this is a project that involves and engages me for more than a few days, I start waking up with ideas. You see, it turns out, I actually have a night shift.

Huzzah!

And yes. I have to write down whatever it is I wake up with. Like, right away. I have to write it down immediately or else it disappears, vanishes in the air like smoke.

But man. 

Good stuff.

😁

Hmmm.

I actually just thought of one other way I go about thinking... now that I'm into this a bit.

Tomorrow, then...

[supersapphical]

sooo i'm not sure who first posted about claire x patience but honestly it's been rattling around in my mind ever since so a lil drabble about them would be amazing!! <3

YESSSSS Claire x Patience, let's do it!

This is a liiiiiiitle bit longer than a lil drabble because apparently I have no self control when it comes to rarepairs but please enjoy established relationship Claire/Patience on a hunt (also Missouri is alive and well).

Read on AO3 or under the cut.

“You ready for this?” Claire asks.

Claire’s hand grips Patience’s hand tightly as Patience nods resolutely. Claire’s other hand carries a duffle bag full of supplies.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

Claire leads her in through the backdoor of the house, which had clearly been broken into before. Patience raises an eyebrow.

“What? It’s an abandoned, haunted house,” Claire shrugs. “Who's gonna care if I break a few locks?”

The air inside the house is noticeably chillier than outside but, other than that, it seems like any other building that’s fallen into disuse. Dust covering the surfaces, a bit of a stuffy smell, nothing that overtly indicates a haunting. And yet, as soon as Patience steps inside, she can sense the spirit’s presence. It’s nothing she can feel, hear, smell, taste or touch. It’s simply sure knowledge that invades her brain, sending shivers down her spine for no good reason.

Claire must notice the change in her demeanor because she asks, “Your extra senses already picking something up?”

“Yeah, you’re right, there’s definitely a ghost in here,” Patience says.

“You ready to get to work?”

Patience nods. Claire gives a final squeeze to her hand before letting go so she can get to work setting up a salt circle around Patience.

“Most ghosts don’t tend to be active during the day but just in case,” she says as she dumps salt around her.

“What do you want me to look for, specifically?” Patience asks.

“Anything you can pick up on that might help me see what’s keeping the ghost here.”

“You already torched the remains?”

“Cremated,” Claire grunts as she heaves the last of the salt onto the floor.

“All set?” Patience asks.

Claire pulls two iron crow bars from her bag and hands one to Patience, “As set as we can be.”

Patience takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. She grips the crow bar more as a grounding technique than with any real intention of actually using it. She knew some basic self defense even before taking up the life of a hunter and she’s been taking more in depth hand-to-hand combat lessons with Jody but a deep psychic reading will require all of her focus.

“You should come spar with me sometime, I’ll show you how to actually use that thing,” Claire teases her lightly, indicating the completely unthreatening grip Patience has on the crow bar.

“Quiet,” Patience hushes her but it does give her some encouragement to realize she knew exactly how Claire was gesturing without even opening her eyes. She’s really starting to get good at projecting her consciousness outward.

Or perhaps she’s just gotten too familiar with Claire’s body language.

Patience shakes the very distracting thought of Claire’s body out of her head and tries to center herself again.

“It could be useful, you know, practicing some fighting techniques,” Claire continues.

“You really want me to come beat you again?”

“That wasn’t a fair fight! You cheated,” Claire huffs.

“Anticipating your movements and reacting to them is just what fighting is,” Patiences says calmly, her eyes still closed and breathing even. “That’s not cheating.”

“It is when you’re psychic,” Claire rolls her eyes.

“Do you want me to focus or not? Reading the energy in this room is taking longer than it usually does.”

“Maybe you just have to have some patience,” Claire smirks.

Patience groans, “Your dad jokes are getting worse than Dean’s.”

She says it mostly to shut Claire up and it works because Claire stands there with her mouth gaping open, clearly taken aback.

“You love my dad jokes,” Claire eventually mutters, her arms crossed and an offended look marring her face.

Patience tries to clear her mind again. She’s been honing her gift through lessons with her grandmother, Missouri, who assures her she’s been getting better but focusing her powers still takes her a tremendous amount of energy and concentration. She wishes all visions could come to her as easily as the unprompted ones do. She frequently wonders if she’ll ever be able to access her powers with complete ease, the way her grandma seems to do. Her grandmother tells her (without her ever saying her fears out loud) that it will come with time and practice. Until then, she guesses she just has to struggle through.

With another deep inhale and a slow exhale, she sends her consciousness outward, into the house. Tapping into the house’s strange energy, she follows along in her mind to every corner and cranny, searching out to see if any object in the house has sentimental meaning attached. Sentimental objects always have a different aura.

She startles a little as she bumps up against a strange energy she’s not familiar with. It’s something dark and dangerous. This must be the ghost. It’s strange, to try to connect with the energies of a house and suddenly be connected to a sentient spirit but she supposes it must work differently with dead people. When she connects with the energy of a space, she is feeling out the memories of all that has happened there. What is a ghost but a memory that can speak for itself?

She tries to unobtrusively follow the spirit’s energy, searching for its source in the house. Her consciousness moves through room after room, trying to feel out where this specific energy is strongest.

She’s feeling out a long forgotten upstairs bedroom when suddenly she’s hit with a powerful wave of desperation. Being in this room is torture, being in this room is suffocating her, being in this room is killing her. She tries to quickly retract herself from the room but she can’t, she’s stuck there and she’s being filled with feelings of despair and grief and pain that don’t belong to her.

In the room where her body stands, the atmosphere is changing. The temperature is dropping and a strange wind that seems to come from nowhere is picking up.

“Patience?” Claire asks, lifting up her crowbar so it's ready to swing.

Patience can’t answer. Her voice has been stolen from her. She can’t even nod to let Claire know she’s alright. She can see her own body in the salt circle that Claire had made for her, but everything she is is trapped in the upstairs bedroom.

A shaky apparition appears and Claire swings through it, banishing it but only for a moment before it rematerializes on the other side of the circle. Claire lunges for it, swinging, and banishes it again only for it to appear on the other side of the room.

The room downstairs becomes more and more hostile as Patience tries to escape the bedroom and bring herself back to her own body. Small debris starts circling in the wind as Claire works to keep banishing the apparition every time it appears.

“Patience! Are you alright?”

If Patience had the ability to speak, she’d only scream.

Claire is desperately fending off every attack with her crowbar as the wind picks up, howling louder and louder. Patience knows that Claire is in trouble, she’s a fighter but even she can’t fight off something undead forever. She can hear Claire struggling, fighting as hard as she can to keep up with something that doesn’t even have a living body to tire out. Logically, she knows she needs to move, to help but she’s so outside of her own body, she feels only distantly aware of the danger they both face at this moment.

“PATIENCE!”

Patience hears Claire’s frantic shouting over the sound of the roaring wind but she can’t respond. She can see in her mind’s eye that the wind is wearing away at the careful salt line keeping her safe but she’s too overwhelmed by misery and heartache to move.

Claire is wildly swinging her crowbar at any apparition that appears and Patience is no longer trying to hear she is overcome with the need to be heard. The feeling is strange, it’s such a powerful need that it fills her up until she might burst but it doesn’t feel like a part of her.

She thinks back to the breathing techniques her grandma taught her and tries to bring herself back to her physical body. It’s only doing this that she realizes that this urgent need she is feeling isn’t her own emotion, it’s the ghost’s emotions.

Tears are streaming down her face now as she finally has enough control over herself to quietly whisper to the howling wind, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

She projects these feelings towards the being she can sense in the house, she tries to send them all of her compassion while repeating over and over again, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

She closes her eyes tight and focuses all her empathy towards the tormented spirit. The wind starts to die down, bits and chunks of debris clattering back down to the floor. The air is less chilly now, the energy less hostile. The only sound now is Claire panting for breath, still clutching her crowbar.

“I should bring you on all the ghost hunts,” Claire says breathlessly, eyes continuing to search the room for any hidden threat.

Her eyes wide open now that she’s back in her body, tears are streaming silently down her face and she can’t bring herself to answer. Claire looks over at her in the silence.

“Hey, hey,” Claire says, walking up to her. “It’s okay, we’re both okay.”

Patience gasps in deep as if it's the first breath she’s taken since she connected with the spirit. She’s trying to remember her grandma’s rules. Ground yourself, keep yourself breathing, keep yourself calm, keep yourself aware.

Claire reaches up and gently cradles Patience’s face in her hands, “Patience, are you okay?”

Patience manages to nod this time.

“Good,” Claire says softly, wiping some of Patience’s tears away with her thumbs. “Are you coming back to me?”

Patience is still unable to answer, her own heart several armies worth of battling emotions.

Claire lets her forehead fall against Patience’s. Claire takes deep, slow, deliberate breaths, her hands still tenderly cradling Patience’s face and shuffles closer until the toes of their shoes touch. Patience closes her eyes again but this time, instead of spreading her awareness out further, she narrows it to only the points where Claire is touching her. The warm place where their foreheads rest together, Claire’s hands around her face, Claire’s work boots pressed up against her own soft sneakers.

She follows Claire’s breath, matching her own breathing with it until she feels like she’s entirely back in her own body again.

“What happened here?” Patience breathes out but then almost immediately says, “No, never mind. Don’t tell me. There’s a—”

She steps abruptly away from Claire and Claire’s hands fall down to her sides, looking almost dejected in the way they hang. Patiences looks around the room helplessly, unable to believe that when she first walked in here, it had looked so ordinary to her. Now she sees it for what it really is: a prison.

Patience takes a deep breath and then says, “There’s a loose floorboard upstairs.”

“Something hidden in there?” Claire asks, still eyeing Patience carefully but willing to take the cue that Patience just wants to keep working. “Well, let’s go check it out.”

Claire takes the duffle and easily walks upstairs and to the bedroom. Patience has a much harder time forcing her physical self to cross the threshold of the bedroom but she follows Claire anyway, knowing that there will be no relief for the spirit she felt if they don’t find a way to release it.

Claire gestures to the room and Patience points to the floorboard she knows holds secrets.

“Huh, actually get to use this thing as a crowbar,” Claire says happily, prying up the floorboard with the crowbar.

Patience drops to her knees, reaching into the hole to find that the floorboard holds dozens of letters, yellowed with age.

“What happened here?” Patience asks again.

“Are you sure you really want to know?”

Patience nods.

“Daughter of a family that lived here in the early sixties, she committed suicide.”

Patience takes this information in. It feels right but also…not.

“The story goes that she went insane so the family had to keep her locked up,” Claire continues. “They kept her locked in this room so she wouldn’t hurt anyone else.”

“No, that’s not right,” Patience says and she’s not even sure where the words come from, only that she’s sure they’re true.

“That’s what all the neighbors said,” Claire says. “But most of it was just rumors, I think.”

“She loved someone and her parents didn’t approve,” Patience says, her fingers lightly tracing the letters. “They locked her away so she couldn’t run away with him. These are the only things she had with her, to give her hope.”

A breeze stirs in the room and Claire is on high alert again, tightly gripping her crowbar but Patience doesn’t feel any threat in the spirit’s action, only affirmation.

“We don’t have to burn all of them, do we?” Patience asks.

Claire’s silence speaks volumes. Patience gathers the letter to herself, holding them close, her thumbs running gently along the worn in folds.

Holding the letters tenderly, Patience quietly says to them, “You must have loved him so much. It’s not fair that you have to stay here.”

Claire bows her head, hands clasped together in front of her so tightly that Patience can see bright red splotches contrasting with too pale points where the blood hasn’t been allowed to flow to her fingers properly.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you. It isn’t right and it isn’t fair. It’s also not right for you to be trapped here even after death, so it’s time to say goodbye now,” Patience says to the letters and the house and anyone else who may be listening.

Placing them carefully on the floor, Patience looks up to Claire expectantly. Claire reaches into the duffle bag by her feet and digs out the salt and matches.

“Do you want to…?” Claire asks, offering her the materials.

“I’ll do the salt,” Patience says. She takes it from Claire and carefully spreads grains of salt on to each letter, making sure the salt passes over all the folds and creases, before gently setting them down on the floor again.

“Ready?” Claire asks.

“Ready,” Patience says quietly.

Claire strikes a match and it sounds startlingly loud in the quiet of the room. The flame burns bright and illuminates Claire’s fair face in an almost ethereal glow as she bends down to let the fire catch on the letters.

They watch in silence as the letters are reduced to ashes.

“Come on, let's get out of here,” Claire says, offering Patience her hand. Patience grabs Claire’s hand and uses it to sling Claire’s arm around herself, nestling close to Claire and snaking her own arm around Claire’s waist. It’s a little awkward, Claire a little unbalanced because of the heavy duffle in her other hand but Patience needs the reassurance, the warm body pressed to her side as confirmation that Claire is still right here with her, very much alive and reachable.

“You’re getting really good at that stuff,” Claire says.

“Yeah,” Patience says, fiddling a little with the zipper on Claire’s jacket because it’s the only thing within her reach to fiddle with.

They walk back to the car in silence, still glued to each other. Patience dreads the moment when they’ll have to separate to get into the car, even if it will be the briefest of moments before they can touch each other again.

Claire throws the duffle in the trunk while still attached to Patience but then they walk to their separate sides of the car, Claire to the driver’s seat and Patience to the passenger’s seat. After they’re settled, Patience reaches out a hand and Claire’s is there to meet her. There’s a heaviness hanging over the car as they both sit silent and still.

“Do you regret coming out here, doing all this with us?” Claire asks her suddenly.

She says the word us but Patience hears what she’s really asking. Do you regret being with me?

“No,” Patience says firmly. “It’s hard sometimes. A lot of the time, but there’s no place I’d rather be.”

Claire smiles at her and starts the car.

“Me, either,” Claire says and she throws the car into drive and points it towards home.

[brellhal96]

It’s... pretty complicated

CHAPTER 2 

FORMALITY 

Chapter 1

General summary: College dramas in the life of a third-year student who decides to start, not a relationship, but something with a renowned professor.

Summary: After going out for some time comes the time to define with certainty what is going on between you two.

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x FemReader

Word count: 5454  

Warnings: Content only for over 18s, mentions of insecurity, a bit of nervousness and unprotected sex.

Notes: Sorry to delay in uploading the content, it is somewhat short but I hope you like it, I am open to any comment or suggestion, thanks for reading me.

Not my GIF, credits to whom it may concern.

It had been two months since you started dating Tom, things were going quite well, both managed to be the perfect team in almost everything, you had even finished the project for which you had started to have this relationship.

After a few days when Tom insisted, you agreed to have a key to his apartment, being honest you loved the action but you didn't want him to think that things were going too fast or that you were too invasive, but he really wanted you to have it, so you agreed. He also already knew your apartment, quite smaller than his but still cozy.

”It's pretty cute" Tom looked at you from the dining room while you were on the living room floor looking like a 10-year-old girl learning to use acrylics.

” I feel like it's not completely good " You watched the painting from different perspectives, you prepared it for the university culture week where students compete in various areas such as music, dance, poetry, and even painting.

"Don't be so modest, it's perfect” he stood up and went to the kitchen for paper towels to start cleaning up all your mess.

”You know you're dating with a perfectionist, " you laughed as you saw that all your legs, hands, even your face were full of paint, but you felt pretty, just wearing one of his shirts and your sneakers.

"Oh come on, in that case you wouldn't go out with me, I'm a mess” Very carefully began to wipe your face full of paint.

"Yes, but you're my mess" You accidentally took his face and stained it just like you "And sometimes disasters are prettier than perfect things"

” You're totally beautiful Y/N " Both smiled as you shared a look of complicity and mutual desire.

He carefully began to slide his hands down your legs, at first with the intention of cleaning up the mess of paint that was on your body, however with the rubbing of his fingers on your thighs as he lifted the shirt showing part of your body more than necessary, both knew that this would not just end in a routine cleaning.

For a moment as his fingers touched your skin directly you came closer to him and slid your hand down his neck, right in the places where you knew he would fall under your charm.

After a gaze of complicity, he began to kiss your legs with too much lust , that you could only end up lying on the floor with a curved back, you thanked internally that the only thing you wore under that shirt was lingerie easy to remove.

"Fuck, I want you all the fucking time, this is starting to worry me." With force he spread your legs and kneeling right in front of you he began to unbutton his shirt while you from the ground watched him with your restless breath.

"I told you, you're dating with a fucking perfectionist." You wanted to start unbuttoning your shirt, but with a sharp look and a quick move, he took your hand from yourself, even put your hands over your head with one of his hands as a sign that you couldn't move them.

"This time I command" In a sense excites you even more that position of took full control even over your movements and he saw it through your eyes.

With the intention of generating more desire in your eyes and heat in your body with a delicate touch and taking care that the fingertips slide down all your legs I remove your underwear. You moaned with the touch and put your hands in your eyes as you began to tremble.

” I knew you were excited by my touch, but not so much, " he roared in a voice so deep that you knew that with just this you began to get wet like never before.

"Please Tom" You bit one of your hands while throwing a look of complete need, he saw you for a few seconds with the intention of making you see that he was in charge this time, but still he could not resist to please you.

"Your wishes are orders" He took your legs and placed them on his shoulders as he began to lick your stomach while two of his fingers were inserted inside you so your back curved again just with the entrance. The kisses as well as the rhythm of his fingers began to get more and more desperate, you knew that your moans began to get stronger with each crossroads, and just as he inserted the third finger you felt that you would cum

” You must wait" he roared as he withdrew from you leaving you with half-breath. ”Fuck, even needy, you look perfect."

He began to lick and kiss your entrance at the same time as he played with his hands between your thighs and hips, you could only give sudden pulls of his hair while with the other hand you covered your moans.  

”I can't, not anymore" You begged for your release as tears began to come out of the huge climax you were feeling.

"Do it for me" Fiddled a little with your hip as you cum completely feeling an overwhelming release.

After a few seconds you managed that your breathing would stop being so heavy while he was still looking at you with your legs on his shoulders.

"Are you going to stay watching me all day or better I call the pizza boy" You smiled provocatively, you knew it was a bit of a joke "the pizza guy" was a guy who was still a high school student but was a delivery in his spare time, or that's what he told you the other night that he started wanting to flirt with you, until Tom came on the scene in a certain way marking his territory, which didn't bother you at all, it made you laugh.

At the comment Tom bit his tongue and arched one of his eyebrows showing you that you wish you hadn't said that. Quickly he undress you completely, and seeing him take off his belt you knew you would need a few days of rest before you had another round.

He leaned over you carefully, placing his axis right in the middle of your entrance, for seconds (which seemed microseconds) you shared a gaze of mutual lust, as if you were two boys who after so many years of being forbidden to touch each other, could do it now.

He began to enter you and you started to tremble, so when he completely enter you he place your hands on his neck so that you hug him while he began to increase his pace, as it was always quite delicate in these moments, he always pretended a position of superiority and domination before you but dealing with the full moment, in sex always he cared that you feel comfortable and protected.

"Are you okay?" He calmed the rhythm a little while he saw you in the eyes, your hip in front of the action came closer to him, you could contain him and he realized.

"Yes" In the middle of moans and altered breathing you answered half-heartedly ”Go on, please"

His rhythm became quite strong, even his groans were deeper than you had heard before.

"Just fill me of you," you whispered in his ear as they avoided losing consciousness in full mutual orgasm you had.

”Fuck" he replied as you felt as you flooded with him, even at some point you felt as you faded away for a few seconds as he also arched his back over you.

After a few minutes while you were both lying on the floor, carefully he lifted you up and took you to bed while you were dozing in his arms.

"Please don't paint again just with my shirt on” You smiled while he was setting you up to sleep “Or actually, yes, do it again”

"Your wish is my command, isn't it?" You kissed him and then fell asleep.

----------------------------------------

The week went quite well, Monday after the great sex you two had, you went to leave your painting for the cultural week contest, you did not make any expectations actually, there were very good paintings, but it would make you very happy to win.

They began to exhibit all paintings and it was very nice that Tom went to the exhibition as if he were another teacher reviewing school activities, but only took a photograph of your paint while you watched him from afar, because you decided to go at the same time to tour the exhibition although in a certain way with their necessary distance, sharing looks from time to time.

On Friday of that week the results were given and it was quite nice when they told you that you had won the first place, you did not believe it, Jared and Diane accompanied you to receive your first place bun while they took photos for the gazette of the following week.

"So, my number one artist would agree to have dinner with me tonight?"Tom kissed your hand already in his apartment while you ate something in the kitchen in incognito mode.

"Tonight?" You laughed when you pictured yourself with your cheeks like a hamster full of children's cereal that Tom had bought specifically for you.

"Come on, it'll be fun, I promise” He took the box and as your ideal partner he also filled his mouth with children's cereal.

"Okay, but where are we going?”

"That'll be a surprise," he winked at you.

"Mmmm" you pouted " but should I go formal, casual or a bit of both?" You caressed his hair as he hugged you around the waist.

”This time it will be formal" He smiled in the form of complicity, as if this had been planned for quite some time” And that's why I bought this" He gave you a gift box with a rather strange logo on the lid, but you knew it was clothing, you had seen it on some boxes of your mother's clothes.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to do this” You pout again, I knew you kind of didn't like me spending on you.

"Just open it, I feel like you're gonna love it”

When you uncovered the box it was a beautiful evening dress, black color, long with opening in one of the legs to make it look more beautiful, with an open back.

"It's ...“ You held it in your hands feeling the fine silk between your fingers, it was a very nice dress "It's perfect" The emotion in your eyes was reliable, you had never worn such a dress before but whenever you saw girls in them, they look beautiful.

"Well, then we have to prepare because the reservation is at 10:00”

"You're a cheat, you should have told me before”

"I wanted everything to be a surprise”

Both will dress up, at the end of the day you looked like a perfect couple, so elegant and mature, even as if they were married, He watched as you modeled for yourself the dress in front of the mirror even without believing how beautiful you looked.

”I could admire you all night" he said as he leaned against the door frame.

”I really love it, thanks a lot" You smiled shyly, it was the first time you wore this type of clothing, something totally out of your comfort zone.

"Come on, a long night awaits us" You never thought it would turn into a long night.

When you arrived at the restaurant it was pretty cute and elegant, it was far from the university, it drove an hour to get there, which was very good, so no one would see you together and it was completely worth the long trip. It had city view with outdoor balconies, jazz background and quite cozy despite so much formality. The waiter was very kind and you knew of the existence of food that you completely ignored.

Everything was going perfectly well until you heard how behind your back someone greeted Tom as they waited behind you.

"Tom?" He sounded like a rather pleasant voice of a mature man, but the presence behind you was two people.

The moment he greeted Tom his instant nervousness reaction was quite obvious, you even noticed that he passed quite strong spittle.

"Mike, hi" You could actually analyze his reaction pretty easily, but it wasn't that obvious to other people.

"Long time no see" Now the woman was the one who spoke, you were very curious to see who they were but you did not want to turn to look.

Tom stood up and shook the man's hand, that's when you decided to look back.

The woman was Tom's age but the man looked older, they were tall, quite formal, he was wearing a perfectly cut black suit, clearly tailor-made, she was wearing a dress came quite low-cut and cute, she was blonde, thin, you were actually overwhelmed to see how perfect the two of them looked together, not as a couple, but as a royalty father and daughter.

"Well, aren't you planning on introducing this pretty lady?"The man saw you from above, you were still sitting and you looked at Tom who also saw you a little worried, you knew that it was because nobody knew about you, literally nobody.

"Sure, sure, she's Y / N” You stood up and shook hands with both of them while Tom held you by the waist.

"Wow, you had the secret well kept Tom" The blonde smiled as she stared at you "You like young girls" you felt that her comment was quite direct and not with a good intention exactly.

”This is Mike and Tara, my friends" Tom saw you trying to tell you that everything was fine.

"Nice to meet you" You smiled shyly as you waited for the atmosphere to relax a bit.

”We do not want to disturb your dinner, so we withdraw" The man clearly noted that you were not very comfortable with the new presence.

"Oh come on, we could have dinner together, would be a good idea, don't you think?"The blonde didn't take her eyes off you, which made you feel quite uncomfortable so you preferred to keep your eyes only on Tom.

"Come on, Tara, I'm sure they already have plans.”

"And we haven't seen each other for a long time, or would you mind?”

Tom cleared his throat and saw you, actually your look was in the sense that it wasn't bad if he said yes, only you asked that he wouldn't leave you alone at any point.

"All right, let's have dinner.”

Actually Mike was a kind and gentlemanly man, you could tell he was self-confident and quite handsome actually, where as Tara was a strange woman, she was attractive, but her attitude towards you made you feel strange.

“And how was your new job? I heard you plan to publish a new book” Mike addressed Tom very kindly while they were waiting for dinner.

"Well I think I'm doing pretty well, the classes help me reinforce everything I already know, even to learn more, and I plan to publish the book in a few months, right, honey?" He took your hand and kissed your knuckles which made you feel very comfortable but just as nervous, it was the first time that someone knew about you two and you had no idea if you were to be trusted in they.

"Yeah, sometimes he lets me read his sketches and they're pretty good, I swear," Mike nodded, it was pretty easy to hold his gaze, quite the opposite with his partner.

"It's good to see you found a nice lady Tom, I thought I would never know anyone who could stand you "Mike joked and you smiled broadly" He's like a son to me, take good care of him please " Tom had never told you about them before, which made you feel something bad being honest but you thought it was for something. Faced with all these comments, Tara kept a cold and quite serious look.

"And how are you doing with the project?" Tom seemed pretty comfortable with the talk, and it made you feel included, so you didn't mind the sudden change of plans at all, at least until now.

"How do you think we are doing with the project, Tom?" The woman sounded very defensive.

"Tara, please don't start" Mike noticed his attitude " It's getting a little complicated with some issues with permits and stuff, but in the end it will be achieved"

"I'm glad, you know I'm sorry I can't help you, I just needed time since the last project we had" Tom saw the table very thoughtful.

"Quiet is fine, we all deserve our space"

The dinner continued something nice, the woman at some point also relaxed and stopped being defensive during the dinner, however that changed in the bathroom.

"I have to go to the powder room, I'll be back in a second," You got up carefully as you examined the place for the baths.

"I'm coming with you, I know where they are," The woman noticed your reaction.

It was a little awkward going there together, but you told yourself that your prejudices were most likely, so don't take her personality so seriously.

"You and Tom look so cute," She retouched her lipstick while washing your hands.

"Thank you, I think we get along very well"

"How many years does he take you?" She saw you from the mirror.

"Ammm" you weren't sure you answer that question.

"Oh sorry, how curious I am" Her comments were completely defensive "I never thought he liked that kind of girls" she smiled mocking.

"Well, it turns out that he and I have a relationship mature enough to be honest" You weren't going to let her make you feel bad, you didn't even know her.

"Relax, with Tom things are only for a while, or at least how did he ask you?" Your gaze reflected how bewildered you were. "Oh, I'm so sorry, he never asked you to get engaged, did he? or at least something similar, that's right, just tell him you like him, he ask you for time, and then he shows up with another girl eating while wondering what you did wrong" Bingo, her comments were of spite, but at the same time your insecurities began to emerge, it was true, he never asked you to be something formal.

Without saying anything you decided to get out of there, but before entering the door Tara spoke to you again.

"Girl, I'm not saying this out of hatred towards you, even if it sounds like that, just be careful with the decisions you take," she licked her lips finishing touching up her makeup.

When you arrived at the table you felt different, as if you could not look at Tom, you were no longer hungry, you decided to ask the waiter to take your plate and bring you only a glass of wine. Does he see you as something for a while? Or did he want you two to be something else?

"I think we should go Mike, tomorrow is work day" Tara gave you a look but no longer aggressive, even seemed to apologize somehow.

"Well, we left them then, it was a pleasure Y/N "Mike kissed your hand" and I hope you won't disappear for years again" he told Tom seriously.

"I promise" Tom stood up and hugged him, they actually looked like father and son, with Tara shaking her hand.

When they finally left you felt an uncomfortable emptiness.

"That was pretty weird," Tom ordered the dessert, though you really didn't want it.

"Don't tell me" you were looking at your glass of wine "Why didn't you ever tell me about them?”

"I never thought it was necessary, actually, it is a stage that I do not like to remember much" He looked you "They're just friends from the past"

"Should I worry about what they know about us?”

”Not at all, they're both trustworthy, Tara might be a bit strange but she wouldn't do anything to hurt us" That made you think that then he had something with her, you unwittingly, frowned your eyebrows tightly "It's everything okay?" Tom bent his gaze trying to find yours.

"Yeah, it's nothing, I'm just tired” you saw him for a few seconds but looked down immediately afterwards.

"If you want we can go home, and there we eat the dessert”

”I think it's perfect." You pretended everything was fine.

During the journey you, you spent thinking about everything told you Tara, you didn't know if it was legit, but somehow that happened to you, you weren't introduced as his girlfriend (which he had never before been necessary in reality) but in a certain way by what Tara had to see that, even asked yourself if you could call him your boyfriend officially, if it is the kind of boyfriend would present with your parents and friends, you realized you had many things to talk about, but you didn't know if it was the right time.

When you arrived at the apartment the first thing you did was go to the bathroom to process a little everything that had happened, when you returned Tom was waiting for you in the kitchen with dessert on a plate and two forks.

"Chocolate cake, as I promised you” He had told you a few days ago that he would make you taste one of the best cakes in town

"I hope it's as good as you promised” You took one of the forks and started eating, but you didn't even notice the taste, your mind was somewhere else.

“So, what do you think?" When Tom asked you clearly, he pulled you out of your thoughts and he realized.

"It's Okay" you smiled without seeing him.

”Don't like it?" Tom seemed disappointed actually.

"No, it's delicious actually, I just don't feel good.”

"What's wrong?”

"Nothing, don't worry”

"No, tell me what's going on, please Y/N" His look showed real concern.

"I don't want to look crazy, you know, let alone upset.”

"You know I would never think that of you”

“It's just, I got to thinking that, I do not know, are we that kind of relationship that presents itself to your friends, family or even parents at some point?“ Tom seemed a little confused, "I mean, I know our relationship is pretty strange and complex, even if we're not something formal, you know" Your hands started shaking unintentionally.

"Hey, what do you mean we're not formal?”

"Yeah, you know, you never asked me to be your girlfriend or something, I guess that's why we're not a couple formally, which is fine if we agreed now, I understand, but ..." You fiddled with the fork in your hand and Tom smiled absurdly.

“You know, I never believed that it was necessary and I'm very sorry, sometimes the age difference makes us look at things a little bit different” In that he was right, sometimes he thought as your grandfather, that made you laugh, “I don't want to sound now like crazy” I look at you intently as he smiled from the side, “I love you Y/N, I love you like you have no idea, I had never before felt that someone understood me this way, and I know I sound like a lunatic by the way in which we met, but you're cute, smart, strong, witty, perfectionist, and you are the most wonderful woman I have ever met in my life" You felt faithfully that he was serious. “So, if you want it, yes, when relevant, you know, for all of this to the university and our professional relationship, I would love you to meet my friends and family, I want to warn you that it will be something strange, but it will be well,” He hug you very strong and you adored the feeling of peace that he conveyed being in his arms “And if you wish, I could meet your friends and family”

"I didn't want to look like I was pressuring you, please don't think that.”

"Never my love, I would never think about it" I kiss your forehead " Just tell me why did you suddenly think about this? For Mike and Tara?" Oh God, you didn't know whether to tell her about your talk with Tara in the bathroom. You hesitated for a second until you decided not to lie.

"Did you have anything to do with Tara?”

”Wow, that was direct “Tom smiled as he sat right in front of the kitchen counter” It's pretty weird, but we never had anything serious you know, she and I went out a few times and then she told me that she was interested in me, but to be honest with you I didn't feel it was her, so I told her that I didn't want anything, which I think that hurt her“ You knew he wasn't lying, you knew it from the tone he had in his voice" So when I finished working with them, by the way, Mike was my professor at the university with whom I started working immediately after graduating and because of whom I met Tara four years ago, I decided to leave, at first because I needed my own time and work on my projects and not only school or work, even personal, and on the other hand I also thought that the best thing was to leave Tara, I no longer felt comfortable"

”I'm sorry, I didn't think it was like that."

"What did she say to you?" He smiled without really taking it too seriously.

"Nothing, only that you had something temporary and you had left without explaining”

“Well, no, actually when I was I don't I lied, I told them what I just said just a second ago, and Mike can confirm, and I'm going to be completely honest, I dated with her for some time, but from the beginning I told her that my intentions were not going beyond something passenger and I thought she had understood” he sighed for a few seconds “With you I don't feel the same, I know what that is for a person to play with you and I hate that people do that, I don't know why Tara told you those things, but I swear I with you I feel very happy and for you I would do anything, I swear " Her look gave you a full sense of tranquility and mutual trust.

”I trust you" You took his face between your hands and you nailed a deep kiss "You know, I love you too" you felt your heart burst with love, it was the first time you told him "And I appreciate that you have the confidence to tell me about this" For a moment you held each other while he stroked your hair.

"By the way" Took the slice of cake and knelt in front of you "Let's pretend this is happening two months ago with two weeks please, do you want to be my girlfriend?" For a moment you thought I was joking so you just laughed "Is seriously, I mean, I don't have a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates but I do have a slice of cake, delicious cake, so, what do you say?" When he said he was serious you didn't believe it, it seemed kind of strange in reality but at the same time it flooded your heart with happiness.

"Yes, I would love to” He stood as he held your face between his two hands and kissed you deeply "I would love to be your girlfriend”

"Well, you were already my girlfriend, but let's comply with the formality" He put the cake on the table "this dinner was really weird”

"And dessert is not going to be enough for both of us" You smiled as you took the cake as if you were going to devour it all by yourself.

”Or we can have some other dessert" Oh not that tone of voice, again sex in the kitchen, last time you had to clean everything up, but you certainly smiled boldly just thinking about it again.

"Or, we could try to see if there's anything in the fridge” You ran to the fridge but skillfully caught you by the waist keeping close to him.

"Are you sure?" He turned you firmly by the hips so your back was stuck to his body while your abdomen was right on the kitchen counter, you felt like the heat between your legs began to increase, you appreciated bringing slippers, that helped you a lot for these things.

"Or show me what else we could do" You bit your lips as you placed your hands leaning against the bar.

"With pleasure" whispered in your ear while with his legs he opened yours and made you lie a little more on the bar, quickly raised your dress to the waist and seeing your garters you felt like he got even more excited than he was already, hearing how he undressed from just imagining it you moaned, so immediately that he could tangled your hair in his hand, while with the other he prepared to give you one of the best nights of your life.

Your legs bent completely when he entered you without warning, so you felt as if you were going to fall at that precise moment, with agility he hugged you from the waist holding you while with his same legs he prevented you from closing yours.

”Ask for it" he roared as he took a rather slow pace which made you moan for more at the time.

"Please, please I need you," you moaned as you held with one of your hands his arm that held your hip over the bar.

"You don't know how fucking good you make me feel” he leaned a bit on you so he reached deeper, which made you feel like in fucking heaven, always came to make you feel much better than last time in sex, and that excited you.

"Make me yours, only yours" you begged as your legs began to tremble more and more and your knees felt that at any moment they would give up.

Your heels squeaked on the floor while his belt grazed your legs still hanging from his waist, the onslaught was getting faster and deeper, you couldn't help but moan at the touch of the metal buckle between your legs, even unintentionally you stuck your nails in his arm at every touch.

"So that's why you wanted me to wear this dress so easy to handle" You smiled full of lust as your back curled still over the bar.

”I swear I didn't, but when I saw you with him I couldn't help but want you with all my strength"

At one point you felt like you couldn't take it anymore, the heat all over your body was uncontrollable and when you intertwined his hand with yours you felt like you couldn't want more.

"Come and get me" pressed your hip against him as you felt the orgasm take over both of you from one second to the next, again the kitchen would be a mess but whatever, it was completely worth it.

Her moans and yours together for you were a way to make your orgasm feel a thousand times better, even her hand touching your belly made your legs tremble more than normal.

When you two were done, you were together for a few seconds, but when he let you go, your legs accidentally won, and you almost fell.

"Wow wait" he carried you to the couch where he laid you down with him. "Are you okay?" His voice sounded anxious

"Relax, I'm fine" You smiled still trying to regulate your breathing again " Only I don't think the dress it's okay” You laughed completely when you saw it was dirty than it was more obvious there could be about you right now.

"I guess it goes away" Both laughed when they realized how funny this was.

"Fuck, why are you so perfect?" You kissed him while you laughed.

"I hope that when I meet your parents they will think the same”

"I assure you, yes” you smiled, but you imagined how strange that is going to be when it happens.

[bbugyu]

if you wanted to go to the moon, he would take you there.

plot twist | crash zoom | happy ending

16.1k (lol) | joshua x afab enby!reader, fluff, humor, suggestive, reader is ace lol, youtuber au, chef au, swearing, drinking, detailed descriptions of meals, mentions of past trauma including sexual assault, i swear it's not that deep, lots of implied sex but none on screen (yet), watching movies and playing video games, yes i am trying to set up all my friends, would anyone get it if i said r&r

welcome to part two of classic!! please enjoy this tooth rotting relationship garbo in which i basically announce to the world that i have a disgusting crush on joshua. posting this later than intended but i started working five tens so i'm 😅 a little tired lol. but joshua makes it ok <3

when you mentioned offhandedly that you had never had bibimbap in jeonju, joshua practically dropped the groceries he was helping you bring up the elevator.

"how long have you been in korea?" he asked.

you looked at him, wide eyed. "four years?"

he squinted at you, jutting his jaw out. "and you've never gone to jeonju? it's, like, the food hub of korea. how the hell?"

"i…" you laughed, exiting the elevator when the doors opened. "i don't know? it's never been top priority, i guess?"

"okay, well it is now," he stated plainly, following you to your door while you adjusted your bags in your hands to punch in the code. as soon as the groceries were safely on your counter, he pulled out his phone. "friday to sunday?"

you looked up from the vegetables in your hands. "what?"

he looked at you. "we're going. this weekend? i need to reserve the ktx tickets."

you laughed. "this weekend? joshua, it's wednesday."

"okay, next weekend?"

you stared at him a second, purely because you were in disbelief. "no, i have a demonstration next saturday."

he exhaled, looking at the calendar on his phone. "okay, and jamie's birthday party is the weekend after, so," he paused, looking at you through his lashes. "this weekend?"

you pushed your hands onto the counter and sighed heavily. "when would we leave?"

he grinned, knowing that meant he had won you over. "after i get off work? i can be here by 3:30."

"how long is the train?"

"uhh," he quickly searched for the tickets. "two hours. less than. we can buy snacks for the ride and have dinner when we get there."

you chewed your lip. "i have to edit on sunday, so we can't stay all day."

he nodded, inspecting the time table for tickets. "stay two nights, leave after breakfast?"

you considered that for a second. "i could bring my laptop and export footage on the train."

a smile crept across his face when you puffed out your cheeks in thought. "is that a yes?"

your cheeks deflated as you exhaled. "fine."

"yeah?" joshua grinned at you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and tugging you into his chest. "jeonju this weekend?"

you exhaled again, your arms reluctantly winding around his torso. "yeah. jeonju this weekend."

"you're gonna love it," he said, pressing his lips against your temple. "i helped on an article about hole in the wall finds there years ago, so i know all the good spots."

you giggled, pulling away to look at him with a quirked eyebrow. "you used to write for the magazine?"

he shook his head at you. "when i was interning."

"aw," you poked at his cheek. "intern joshie?"

he rolled his eyes, separating himself from you as you giggled, and he looked at you slyly from the corner of his eye. "joshie?"

you grinned, reaching out to pinch his cheeks. "joshie!"

he laughed and batted away your hands. "joshie?"

you: i think i'm finally packed

joshie: i don't understand why it was so difficult when we're going for Two Days.

you: 😡

joshie: 😘

as promised, he arrived at your apartment in a cab and stubbornly took your roller suitcase despite your insistence that you could handle it. joshua was always doing things like this - for you, you imagined, he would probably even lay down his jacket in a puddle so you wouldn't have to walk through it. but at the same time, he wouldn't fault you for kicking his jacket aside and purposefully jumping in it instead. he would probably join you, even.

he had joked with you that this would be like a work trip for you, but only because he was the one that suggested you film - plus, he reminded you, filming a full video this weekend meant that you didn't have to film next week. and to be perfectly frank, you wanted the break. if you could have a weekend getaway with joshua and then a week long break to have a normal routine without a camera, it was a win-win.

equipped with coffee and cafe sandwiches, you casually kicked your feet and happily sipped at your americano as you edited a picture of it for your instagram story. joshua sat beside you, also doing something on his phone, and you watched him with no intention as he pulled his airpods out of his coat jacket and offered one to you. you looked at him, smiling when he gestured with the open case again.

"i made a playlist," he said quietly as you put the airpod into your ear. he took the one you left and did the same, tapping on his phone.

the thought of joshua hearing a song and thinking of you making your chest flutter to life, the heat rising through you until you were left in a comfortable glow, smiling softly at him as a melody started in your ear. he looked back at you, double taking slightly when he realized you were looking at him.

"what's that look for?" he asked, a sideways grin breaking his face in half.

you shook your head, unable to change your face. "that's, just... really nice."

"making a playlist?" he hummed, settling back in his seat as you stuck your straw between your lips. "i didn't consciously do it. i just started a list of songs to show you because i thought you would like them, and this ended up being a good time to share it."

you sighed dramatically, falling back against the window of the train. "that's even nicer, you dickhead!" he laughed, shushing you and looking around, worried someone might have understood your slightly-above-inside-voice exclamation. "i know for a fact i didn't do anything to deserve the sweetest, handsomest, loveliest boyfriend on the planet, so what's the catch, mr. hong?"

his eyes went to the ceiling as he thought, kneading his lips once before saying, "i think you forgot funniest, too."

"ah," you said, a dry chuckle following the realization. "that's the catch."

"hey!" he laughed, eyes big as he pretended to be offended. "i know i'm funny!"

you giggled with him, mentally noting that you liked the song that he was playing. that he must have somehow picked up on why you liked the music you did. you thought about how you had the same thought, sometimes, when you were listening to music alone in your room and a song popped up on your discovery that sounded like something he would listen to. how you would immediately text them to him, knowing you would forget if you didn't send it right away, and he would react with some assortment of positive emojis. how he must have been doing the same thing, but wanted to be there when you heard them, and didn't have the same flighty memory as you. you brought your straw to your lips again, staring after him as he adjusted something in his bag, taking too long to refocus your attention to story you had been trying to post.

he later nudged you, getting your attention as you responded to an email on your phone, gesturing his finger with the melody, and you gave him a childlike look of awe, as if to tell him that yes, you agreed, this was exactly the kind of run you really enjoyed. he pounded a fist against his knee at the beats, pointing up at the key change, and you exploded into a stifled laugh, your palm covering your mouth. he laughed with you before he showed you the now playing page on his phone, holding it open dutifully as you quickly searched for it to add to your own library.

as promised, joshua provided great insight for the food tour the two of you set out on. travel day, he had told you, meant that you would have something easy - bibimbap and makgeolli at two of the best places he knew, apparently. by the time you made it back to the hotel room you had checked into before headed to the bar, you just about collapsed onto the queen bed.

"i'm so full," you exhaled, eyes dancing across the ceiling. "i'm never gonna move again."

joshua just laughed at you, toeing both of your shoes aside at the door before shuffling into slippers. "we have a full day of eating tomorrow, so you better move."

you let our a breathy laugh, rolling your head to watch as he flopped onto the bed beside you. "i'm glad you also plan trips around the meals."

he gave you a puzzled look. "is there another way to plan a trip?"

you rolled onto your side, tucking your arm under your head to look at him. "some people like sightseeing. or activities."

his brows were still ruffled in confusion as he looked away from you. "i like looking at food. and the activity of eating food."

you giggled, and his face finally broke to reveal the bewilderment had been a bit all along, his smiling laugh meeting yours.

you walked a lot the next day, and you were grateful for the light exercise to help your digestion a bit between meals. the local famous kalguksu for breakfast, a visit to a cafe for coffee before walking down a historical street together. you filmed with a smile on your face, shaking your americano for camera with a colorful background, just for you to pull down the drink and let the beautiful buildings and trees take the focus.

joshua could watch you forever, he was pretty sure. watching you conceptualise what you wanted this out of the ordinary video to look like, seeing the way you managed to be present with him, joking and giggling on your scenic walk, but squeezed his hand in warning before letting go, telling him quietly you wanted to get a shot. he had seen the way you filmed food, and how you filmed your kitchen, which was incredible in its own right, but this was the first time he got to see your process on the fly. when you went to work, as it were, taking in your scenery and deciding the way you wanted to portray it - more thought went into this than filming at the same barbeque restaurant for the fifth time, but joshua saw the similarities in the way your eyes twinkled when you saw something through your camera lens for the first time, even if only the first time that day. the way you would review the footage quickly, smiling at the way it turned out, but announcing that you were taking a second shot for safety.

then, he took you to another restaurant.

you barely noticed the passage of time, but when he conveniently "happened" upon the next stop on your food tour, you were pretty sure your stomach growled at the thought of eating an insane amount of dumplings, and you smiled at him in a way that made him want to cause it constantly.

if having your pick at dumplings was enough to make you giddy like a child, the night market was life altering. the food stalls were set up like they always were friday and saturday nights, joshua told you, and that meant you got to experience korean street food in a way you hadn't yet. you found the best pad thai you had ever eaten, succumbed to the tempting smell of grilled squid when passing a busy stall, and you even got served alcohol practically in passing, the specialty liquor being offered in a way that was hard for either of you to say no to. after a few too many, you had to stop joshua before he dragged you to a choco pie stall.

"we should eat more first," you said, gesturing to a woman making hashbrowns on a griddle. "while we have free hands. loop back around for dessert and buy some for the road."

joshua tapped his nose, then wagged his finger at you. "smart and hot."

you laughed, pulling him towards the hashbrown stall.

that night, you laid in bed beside each other, talking like you hadn't just spent literally the entire day together. recalling highlights of the day, sharing related anecdotes with assorted friends and family. you didn't even want to sleep - your body did, sure, clearly, by the way it kept interrupting your conversation with yawns. joshua would laugh, then yawn in response, and tell you that you should sleep. you would shake your head, a pout on your lips, and he would just smile and keep talking about whatever the yawn had interrupted.

being in bed with joshua wasn't demanding, nor was it uncomfortable, and you were pretty sure that meant something good.

you were making curry. he had mentioned that it looked good while you were watching some show the week prior and you couldn't get it out of your head. so, even though it was midsummer and far too warm for something as hearty as japanese curry, you decided you needed to make it anyway, if only for your own peace of mind. you invited joshua over to cook dinner for him, and he asked where your camera was when he arrived with your requested potatoes (you had some, except they were older than you thought and started sprouting), but you told him you weren't filming tonight.

"this ones for us," you said matter of factly, giggling when he looked shocked. "i don't film every meal, y'know. sometimes i cook things just for me."

he watched you dump the potatoes into the sink to wash. "what if it ends up being really pretty?"

"josh," you said, looking at him. "i don't make things that aren't pretty."

he asked if you needed help with anything, but you just shook your head and told him to relax. that you had made this a million times, and that you could do it with your eyes closed. he asked again if you were sure, and you laughed, scrubbing potatoes and using your shoulder to get your hair out of your face.

"actually," you said, raising the wrist on which you kept a hair tie. "do you know how? my hands are wet."

joshua smiled and nodded, coming over and pulling the tie off your wrist, careful to not get it too wet on your hand. "how high?"

"ariana," you said, making him laugh as you giggled. "as high as you can manage, but i don't really care."

he just smiled, taking your hair in his hands as you washed the potatoes one by one, and you tried to ignore the way you heart skipped a beat when you felt his touch drift across the back of your neck. he gently gathered it all in one palm at the crown of your skull, brushing through it with his fingers. "here?"

"perfect," you said, chewing your cheek and smiling. he pulled the band over your hair, tying it off tightly and pulled at the hair gently to keep it in place.

his hands glided over your waist, leading his arms to wrap around you as his chin landed on your shoulder. "not too tight?"

you shook your head, smiling. "you're multi talented."

"i have a sister," he reminded you, then put a kiss on your cheek.

you managed to convince him to sit at the counter, and he smiled and laughed with you as you conversed about anything that came to mind. he talked about his latest work antics, and you told him about a café you found the day before that you really enjoyed. he watched you skillfully chop vegetables and prepare chicken, flitting around your kitchen with a familiarity that could only be fostered by time. he glanced at the time on his phone, then looked at the door behind him that led to a bedroom.

"is karol here?" he asked. she normally would have emerged to say hi by now.

you looked at him before going back to pan frying the chicken. "no, she's in busan this weekend with some friends. she'll be back sunday night."

an alarm went off in joshua's head, and he tried not to think too deeply about the fact that you had invited him over while your roommate was away. sex hadn't even been a discussion on the table yet, but not because joshua didn't want it - because, frankly, he wanted it - he was just more concerned about you and your wants. for most things, he felt as though he had learned your thoughts and opinions naturally over the last few months, but outside of a few passing jokes, you hadn't ever mentioned how you felt about sex in general, much less sex with him.

so he stared at you, suddenly unable to ignore the fact that you were wearing shorts because of the weather, but they were hidden under the hem of the neutral toned apron he saw in your videos every week. or the way you smiled at him as you talked, your eyes glinting with mischief when you made a joke at his expense, but only made him laugh and want you more. he stood and came around the island, standing with his hip against the counter as the two of you continued conversing and you added the roux cubes to the pot.

his eyes never left you or your actions, and you noticed the way he inched towards you as your cooking became less involved and began to wrap up. you didn't argue when he put his arms around you again, watching you stir the curry with his cheek against your ear. he wasn't in your way, not even when you reached over to pull a spoon out of a drawer to give it a taste and make sure the seasonings were right, so you instead just enjoyed his presence.

you hummed, licking your lips briefly as you appraised the flavor. "not bad," you said, using the ladle you had been cooking with to pour more into the spoon you had just used to taste. you blew on it, then displayed it for joshua, who looked at you in his peripherals before accepting the bite.

"oh, wow," he said, making you giggle as you put the spoon aside. "that's better than a restaurant."

"thanks," you said, tapping the ladle on the side of pot to get the excess back in the pot, a spot of sauce landing on the back of your hand. you put it on the spoon rest next to your stovetop and replaced the lid on the pot of curry, quickly turning the burner to low. "now we just wait for the rice to pop," you said, spinning in his grip and licking the spot off the back of your hand.

joshua stared at you, desperately wishing in that moment that he wasn't such a damn man, because it was clear in your eyes that it was a completely innocent action. you got some of the delicious sauce on your hand, so why would you wipe it off when a towel wouldn't appreciate it like your tongue would? you wouldn't, obviously. he wouldn't have, either, if it had been his hand. but here he was, gaze fixed on your mouth as you pulled your hand away from it, and one of your eyebrows raised when you noticed.

"can i help you?" you asked, glancing down at his lips when he involuntarily leaned into you.

"i-" he swallowed. "sorry, i'm just-"

in that moment, you registered what his gaze meant. and while you were fairly oblivious to most things, you were far from innocent, so you put your arms over his shoulders and knit your fingers in his hair. "you're just?" you prompted.

there was a chuckle on his lips as he backed you against the counter, and he shook his head lightly. "i just think it's insane how into you i am."

joshua had this way of kissing you that made you think his life depended on it. he kissed you like you were in the final scene of an apocalyptic movie and he had come to terms with the fact that this was the end. like he knew that if your lips left his, he would magically disappear before he could tell you how much you meant to him. like he could stop time as long as he had you pressed against him with his hand on your jaw, but the sun was setting and he wasn’t ready to say good night.

when he finally pulled away from you, you were trying to catch your breath as his hands ran down your waist, and you stared into his eyes. his lips were parted, and his fingers gripped at your hips in a way that you knew meant he wished there were less layers between your skin.

your mind raced, thinking quickly back to how long the two of you had been seeing each other. how long you had known that you were interested in keeping joshua around for the long term. you wracked your brain, thinking about when people normally took the next step at your age, finding a discrepancy in the timing. you had made him wait for so long, but this was the first time you had noticed him trying to bed you - though, this was hardly subtle, so perhaps you had missed signs earlier? hell, the two of you had even shared a bed at this point, but you were pretty sure he hadn't tried anything then, either. you considered the fact that this relationship had gone for over two months without so much as a hint to take the next logical step, and you decided that joshua was definitely the only guy you had met in years that you would be willing to allow under your covers.

"the curry can sit for," you started, blinking rapidly as your mouth caught up to your mind. you swallowed once. "well, until tomorrow, technically, but-"

joshua's lip quirked upward. "did you invite me over to have me stay the night?"

"not-" you exhaled. his tone was slightly accusatory, but only playfully, and you found yourself more flustered by the question than you would have liked. "not consciously, but…" your eyes studied his face. "do you want to?"

"are you kidding?" he asked, making you breathe out a laugh, his forehead landing on yours. "did you not hear me when i said i was insanely into you?"

the rice cooker beeped, drawing both of your attention as it sang out a small tune to alert you it was finished. you looked at joshua. "are you hungry?"

he looked back at you, a smile sneaking on his lips. "i mean, working up an appetite wouldn't hurt, right?"

he let you lead him to your bedroom, which he had only been in once, briefly, when he had helped you put some lights away. the two of you admittedly spent most of your time in kitchens or restaurants, the remainder of your alone time being split between joshua's car and a couch to watch a movie, but joshua thought your taste suited his as he glanced around again, and that he would happily lose time in bedrooms with you. you kissed him again, and he was quick to pull you against his body, leaning into you, making you giggle as you bent backwards at the hips. "josh."

"what?" he asked, giving you a half lidded smile as his hand found your jaw, pulling you back into him. "stop leaning back and i'll stop chasing you."

"i'm-" you giggled into the kiss he interrupted you with. "i'm not leaning back, you're pushing me."

joshua made you feel like you were out of your depth, but in a way that was more exciting than scary. it had been ages since someone had been able to surprise you, or had helped you surprise yourself, but today he was doing both. the last time you had let a man into your heart, it had been less than perfect, especially towards the end, but joshua felt like home. cozy. he made you feel safe. like he wouldn't let you fall backwards unless your mattress was waiting for you.

and when you fell, he crawled over you, connecting your lips again with a hand against your jaw, the other holding himself above you, and you tried to restrain a whine.

"josh," you said suddenly, pushing on his chest lightly, processing fully what was about to happen and a shot of anxiety running through your chest. "c-can i tell you something first?"

joshua paused his motions, studying your eyes, his expression skewing scared. "oh, shit, are you a virgin?"

"what?" your eyebrows creased, a laugh on your lips. "no, what the fuck, josh? i'm in my mid-twenties."

he blinked at you. "there would be nothing wrong with you if you were a virgin in your mid-twenties."

"i'm not a virgin, joshua."

"right," he shook his head slightly. "sorry, i don't know. what were you saying?"

you chewed at your cheek nervously. "i just. i haven't… been with a guy in a really long time."

his eyes examined your face, looking for a hint at what you meant, because if it was only what you were saying, he didn't understand why you were so worried. "okay?"

"like, really long," you reiterated.

"baby, i promise," he said, forehead against yours. "i promise you, i don't care."

you exhaled sharply, wishing you could just enjoy things normal people did. that you knew what people wanted out of these encounters innately, instead of having to overthink them. "like, i don't want to… i don't know. disappoint you."

"disappoint me?" his head bobbed backwards in shock. "how the hell could i ever be disappointed when you're you?"

your eyes shut, grateful that he could still make you smile when you felt so out of your league. "i just mean that i-" you paused, trying to figure out how much you were willing to say, and how much you could without ruining whatever mood had been fostered here. "i just don't really do this. like, i feel like i don't know how."

"baby," he said, pressing his lips to yours briefly. "honey, sweetie, darling," he continued, punctuating each name with quick pecks. "you could starfish and i would have the time of my life."

you laughed, a hand landing on his shoulder sharply as he smiled at you. "okay, i'm not that bad, jesus."

"i'm telling you," he assured. "i don't care. i don't care if it's been months or years or forever, i don't care." he paused, appraising your expression. "we don't have to do anything. i'd be happy to just kiss you for an hour and a half if you're not ready."

"no," you whined, crinkling your nose. "it's not that, i just…" you took a breath. "i might just need you to take it a little slow."

"well, baby, you're in luck," he said, giving you a teasing smirk as his lips closed in on yours again. "slow and steady is exactly how i want you."

karol had said you hated men. she hadn't been wrong. you hated a lot of men, and how they made you feel like a prisoner in your own body. you hated the men you had encountered in your past, who made you feel small and weak. ugly and only wanted for one purpose, disrespecting your boundaries, your presentation, and your being. you hated those men, and nothing would ever redeem them for you.

joshua was different, though. he wasn't like them, because even though you didn't say explicitly why you needed a little extra care, he was more than prepared to give it to you. without even needing specific direction, he paid special attention to your reactions. to your body. he waited until you were ready, and asking him for more. and even when he sheepishly admitted that he'd started carrying a condom in his wallet the month prior, you could only giggle and silently be overwhelmingly thankful that he was truly nothing like any man you had ever been with before.

you swore you had made the same recipe you always did, but your curry tasted sweeter than you remembered. maybe it was just that you were eating it in your underwear with a man that made you feel comfortable in your skin for the first time in forever, a home improvement show remaining unwatched on your tv as the two of you joked together.

joshua woke the next morning in your empty bed, and was only confused for a second as he looked around your white walls. he stretched once, then sat up, eyes meandering over your orange patterned rug (one he remembered describing as "groovy" when he had first seen it, which had made you laugh in that way he adored), then noticed your laptop had been turned on. it was saturday, he realized, and you were likely going to edit today so you wouldn't have to tomorrow. he decidedly did not peek, though he wanted to, and peeked out your bedroom door instead.

you were easy to find, standing in your kitchen with an oversized shirt on and your hair pulled out of your face as you formed rice balls. you looked up from your work, smiling when you saw him, placing the triangle of rice you had just made on the cutting board. "good morning!"

it was, he thought. it was a really good morning.

you teased him for hugging you in your kitchen while he was only wearing underwear, saying that he seemed to have made himself comfortable quickly. he just playfully ran his hands under your shirt, saying, well, what about you, then? making breakfast with no pants on?

"i live here," you said, giggling and using your hip to bump him away. "i pay rent. what do you do?"

his eyes darted away from yours as he thought. "sit still, look pretty?"

that made you laugh. "you are very pretty."

he grinned, taking the opportunity to pull you into his chest again. "you, too."

he looked at what you had made, noticing the pot on the stove for the first time.

"soybean paste soup," you said, reacting to his gaze, then pointed at the neat triangles of brown tinted rice in front of you. "mushroom riceballs, and i'm making tamagoyaki next."

joshua blinked at you after processing everything. "do you do this every morning?"

"not every morning," you giggled. "but i wanted to today."

weeks later, you were biting your pinky nail to oblivion as you scrolled through comments on the video you had posted earlier that morning. you were sitting on the couch in joshua's living room, your laptop perched on the arm and your boyfriend fixing something to eat before the two of you sat to watch a movie. you had made a risky move in your video - one you thought would have been fine, but clearly people read more into it than you expected. joshua came over for dinner earlier in the week, when you had made pasta with all the delicious fresh seafood the two of you had found at a market the day before, accompanied by a simple salad and white wine. karol was working late, so you had set some aside for her, but that meant it was just you and joshua in frame when you filmed your usual table setting shot.

people were speculating.

you knew it was inevitable, and a few comments had pointed out the man that had eaten sushi with you in the vlog that included your first date, but at this point, the comments were flooded with questions and hypotheses on who the mystery man could be. most assumed boyfriend - which, while true, made you feel slightly annoyed - and a few wondered if he was your brother, or close friend, but they all noticed that his hands and voice had become regular guest stars on your channel. that, while you still got meals with krys and karol, this nameless, faceless man sat opposite you more often than anyone else.

the jeonju vlog is what sparked the most comments. people suspected some amount of intimacy when they realized this guy was travelling with you, too, and you probably would have thought the same if it had been someone you watched regularly. you had been careful with the editing, only including clips with food and the scenery shots that didn't star him (while you had filmed a lot that did, those were just for your own personal record), but you supposed it was in peoples' nature to try and find a romantic plotline in your slice of life.

"josh?" you said suddenly, pulling your pinky from between your teeth. you heard his vague noise of acknowledgment and spun around on the couch to watch as he cocked his head at you from the kitchen. "should we go public?"

"uh," he paused, looking at the scallion pancake he was cooking, quickly grabbing the panhandle to flip it. "give me, like, two minutes and we can discuss? i'm almost done in here."

you puffed your cheeks out and nodded, turning back towards your computer. "okay, baby."

when joshua came into the living room, the spread he had quickly put together across a tray you had bought for him (because you wanted it, mostly, but karol would kill you if you brought more home), he put it on the coffee table and sat next to you, quickly addressing the subject again.

"people keep," you paused. his eyebrows raised, prompting you, but he only chewed on his bottom lip to let you take your time as you hugged your knees to your chest. "people keep assuming you're my boyfriend anyways, so i'm just thinking-" you exhaled sharply. "should we just say fuck it? just confirm that we're a couple?"

joshua studied you. "you've always been pretty private."

you chewed your cheek, putting your lips against your knees. "that's on purpose."

"you don't have to say anything you don't want to," he reminded you, rubbing a hand against your back. you put your chin on your knees and gave him your biggest doe eyes, making him smile. "they can speculate all they want, but you don't owe them an explanation."

you nodded lightly as you hugged your legs and looked around, briefly studying the tray joshua had brought over. he had quickly stirfried some vegetables, grilled the frozen pork belly slices he always kept on hand, and even cooked your favorite premade scallion pancakes, the spread complete with several side dishes you had made together earlier in the week and two bowls of rice. your brows knit together, fingers itching to film how neatly he had put together a light meal for the two of you because you had said you wanted to show him your favorite movie without interruption, and he knew you would be hungry soon.

"would you-" you cleared your throat, looking up from the food and finding his eyes. "what do you think i should do?"

he let out a breathy laugh. "does it matter? you'll do what you want anyways."

you whined, pushing his shoulder as your feet dropped from the couch. "i'm serious, your opinion matters here. would you be okay with being public?"

"you're joking, right?" he laughed, adjusting his posture, and grabbing your hand to folding it between his. "baby, you know i care about you, right?"

your lips pursed as you nodded, looking between his eyes shyly.

"and you know i would never try to say that i, like, own you, right? like, i don't claim ownership over you as a person."

you let out a short laugh. "right."

he held your hand tighter. "i want to tell every viewer of every single one of your videos that you are mine."

your cheek puffed out as you smiled. "really?"

"especially the reply guys, oh my gosh," he rolled his eyes, making you laugh. "there's a place i think you'd like! i could take you, smiley face. yeah, get lost, creep. move along."

your palm landed on your cheek as you laughed. "shut up, are you serious?"

"you don't see those?" his eyes wide when you shook your head. "baby, there's so many people trying to take you out in the comments. so many."

you giggled, pressing your lips together. "well, there's only one guy that gets to."

"that's right," joshua said, a proud look on his face. "the ultimate reply guy fanboy."

you pushed his chest, laughing again. "shut up."

you decided an faq would do, but in the style of your regular videos. you definitely didn't want to just sit down in front of your camera and talk through questions and answers - that wasn't your style, and would feel wrong uploading. so instead, you spent a few hours compiling questions you had been asked often and organized them in a way that made sense, planning on showing your daily life. questions like what camera you used, what your go-to quick breakfast is, where you bought the clothes you liked - it was easy to plan them out to create a vague storyline of your standard day. you woke up on a wednesday (a day you went to the studio, because many of your questions were about what goes on there), excited to film but slightly nervous. as you set up your camera for breakfast, your phone buzzed on the counter.

joshie: good morning, baby! you got this! can't wait to see you tonight 🥰

you: 🥺🥺🥺 thank you!

the day went well, filming your planned clips on the subway and at the studio, and when your coworker asked what all the questions you were filming for were, you sighed.

"normal stuff," you said quickly, taking off your apron after several hours of cooking and shooting. "favorite recipes, what equipment i use… y'know."

yunhyeong nodded at you, his eyes squinting slightly. "is that all?"

he knew you. he knew how you reacted when you were nervous. how you could practically hide it from anyone, but that certain subjects would always make your eyes look slightly panicked and your speech speed up. the worst part is that you knew he knew, and your facade was almost immediately broken.

"and if i have a boyfriend."

he stared at you for a second before he laughed in disbelief. it took him over a week of bugging you about the guy in your videos before you admitted you were seeing someone, and even then, you only did because joshua had started picking you up from the studio and - against your wishes - introduced himself to your coworkers. yunhyeong thought about how protective you were of your privacy, and how you had never revealed something as personal as a relationship online before - partly because none of the people you had gone on two or three dates with had been serious enough to reveal, but he mostly thought about how you barely even showed your own face. that you stayed mostly silent when you filmed, and if you had to speak, it was a voice that was only adjacent to your usual cadence, as if you were trying to create another barrier between you and your online persona. how you had mourned your grandfather's passing and uploaded your vlog like normal two days later, but called out of work for the week following.

"and you're telling the truth?"

you exhaled, wiping down the stove top now that it had cooled. "yeah, shua and i discussed it. people are speculating, anyways, and it's not like he's going anywhere any time soon."

yunhyeong nodded again, organizing the spices as he put them away. "i'm happy for you."

you looked at him. "what do you mean?"

"it's a big step," he said, purposefully keeping his eyes from you so you didn't get self conscious. "you haven't been this serious about someone the entire time i've known you. i think it's really great that you found someone you care about."

you watched him spin bottles to be label out as you considered his words. "thanks."

he peeked at you, smiling. "of course."

yunhyeong's words rattled in your mind as you walked to the restaurant joshua had agreed to meet you at, filming your feet as you went with the intention of answering a few random questions with on-screen text in the edit. someone you care about.

you thought about how joshua had said the same thing about you when you had asked if going public was something he would be comfortable with. the way it has made your heart flutter. you wondered, briefly, if perhaps this was something more than just caring.

when you were editing the video that saturday, you procrastinated on the last question as long as you could, and when it was the only thing left to do, you escaped to the kitchen to make lunch in favor of finishing the part that was haunting you. your bagel sandwich was delicious, but you could barely enjoy it, mind clouded by the task that made your anxiety peak for seemingly no good reason.

it took you too long to finish it.

when you showed it to joshua, wanting his blessing before you uploaded, he couldn't hide his giddy reaction.

"it's okay?" you confirmed, studying his face.

he nodded at you, lips pushed together into a lopsided smile. "it's really cute."

"cute?" you asked, clicking through the video. "that's good, right?"

"yes," he laughed, squeezing your shoulder to put a kiss on your head. "it's great. post it."

so you did. and while you had gotten a tiny bump when krys excitedly dragged the two of you onto her stream that afternoon, you had no way of predicting the way the rest of the internet picked it up a few weeks later.

"r/relationshipgoals," jeonghan read off his phone, leaning against your kitchen island along with several of your friends that had come over when they saw the two of you on their newsfeeds unprompted. "'cross post from r/cutecouples, the most heartwarming boyfriend reveal you'll see this year.'"

"twitter, too," karol announced looking up from her own phone, seated in a barstool beside him. "you're a twitter moment. people found the clip from krys' stream, even."

you were on the counter opposite them, kicking your feet nervously to the beat in your head as you chewed your lip. you sighed and covered your face. "how long is this gonna last?"

"a while, hopefully," krys said, turning your laptop screen towards you. "your subcounts are insane right now."

you whined into your hands, making joshua appear at your side to put a hand on your spine. you took a breath at the touch, relaxing your tensed thighs on the counter. "it's okay to be nervous," he muttered at you. "but it's also kinda exciting, right?"

you exhaled deeply, letting your hands fall and your eyes trail to his before a smile broke on your face. "kinda."

so after you calmed yourself down, you managed to go through some of the posts about you, and you surprised yourself by letting them put a smile on your face. even the idea of having a public relationship had scared you shitless less than a month prior, but this… this wasn't so bad. seeing twitter repost the same video of you filming your feet as you walked into a restaurant, panning the camera up to reveal joshua sitting at a table and waving excitedly at you. the cuts you made to show clips that had landed on the cutting room floor of past videos - the footage you had taken of him pointing out the new wok you had started using a few weeks prior in a kitchen specialty store, and the goofy face he revealed after holding it in front of himself as he brought it back to you. the video of joshua grasping your hand, panning up to his playfully serious face as he dragged you down a boardwalk in jeonju, gesturing to the sunset. the unedited audio from your first date, when you had said something about it looking really good, and he had said something along the lines of how it would have been a waste if you hadn't recorded, and the two of you giggled together in a way that nervous new couples did. short bits of you swinging your camera around to reveal a laughing joshua as you tried to film quiet shots. a clip of him wearing a triangular menu on his head like a hat, acting as though it was completely normal.

you had a hard time believing anything you ever did would be viral-worthy, but even you had to admit, this was a pretty understandable thing for you to go viral for.

besides, it felt like it made sense for this to be the one thing about your personal life that ended up getting attention. it felt like he was an innate part of you at this point, and that you wouldn't be honest if you hid him.

it was august when he broke your heart.

"how could you?" you asked him, staring in disbelief. "you haven't seen lord of the rings?"

"okay, i lied," joshua said, still washing the dishes. "i saw them when i was a kid, but i don't remember them really."

"well, we're fixing that."

he looked at where you were sitting on his kitchen island - a well known habit of yours at this point. "today?"

"not today," you said, poking your toe at his hip. "this weekend, maybe? if we start now, we'll be watching til you go to work tomorrow morning."

he shut off the faucet and gingerly placed the pan he had just washed on the drying rack. "how many movies is it? i thought it was just three."

"it is," you said, laughing at his shocked look. "the extended editions are around four hours each."

joshua exhaled, leaning against the counter as he used a cloth to dry his hands. "you're lucky i like wasting hours with you."

you grinned, hopping down from your seat. "you're lucky i let you."

and that weekend, the two of you did just that - waste time, ordering delivery food for two meals as you camped out on the couch in various positions as the two of you got comfortable repeatedly. you couldn't help but recite specific lines, mouthing along with every word gandalf said like you had thought of the words yourself. you pointed out behind the scenes facts along the way, even, excitedly saying viggo broke two toes when he kicked that helmet, or how faramir's flames were a mirror trick. joshua watched you, because while he knew it was your favorite movie and he really should pay attention, he couldn't help but get distracted by his own favorite movie, and it starred you getting excited about something you loved.

you slept later than joshua that sunday, and when you emerged from the bedroom, you spotted krys sitting at the island with a plate of waffles in front of her, then found joshua leaned against the counter with a cup of coffee. he smiled when he saw you.

"i made breakfast," he said, gesturing to the counter.

you looked around at the spread as you walked over to him. waffles, fruit, bacon, and the promise of a fried egg upon request - a spread worthy of your own brunching standards. "what about second breakfast?" you asked quietly, in accented english.

joshua laughed, his arm wrapping around your midsection as you came over to kiss him good morning. "elevensies?" he shot back, in the same vague accent.

you broke your serious face to giggle. "luncheon?"

"alright," krys said, voice raised in annoyance when the two of you looked over at her. "i get it, y'all are in love or whatever, but can you have some respect for those of us who are lonely?"

you rolled your eyes, laughing at the fact that she had absolutely brought this upon herself by forcing the two of you together every chance she got, but joshua went cold when he heard her say the thing he had been thinking for a while, but was too scared to say out loud. the thing he felt when you grabbed his arm and told him that if he wouldn't let you carry the ring, then you could at least carry him with all the same dramatics as one samwise gamgee did. when you cried as frodo and bilbo sailed into the sunset for good, even though you had seen it a million times over. the sneaking thought that he was in love with you, but didn't know how to say so. he swallowed down the thought, shaking his head when you raised a questioning brow at him as you dished up a plate of waffles and fruit.

it didn't take you long to trust joshua enough to give him your door code so he could let himself in, but it took him a while to actually use it. he said something about not wanting to intrude, but you told him it was more intrusive to make you come to the door when you could possibly be doing important things and he was completely capable of getting in on his own.

"babe?"

you hissed. you had the thought right before you started this boss battle, that he would arrive before you finished and you would be trapped at your computer. you were right. "in here! gimme like two minutes!"

you heard him enter your room, and his bubbly laugh when he spotted your back at your desk desperately clicking your mouse and striking your keyboard. "wow, is this what you meant by important things?"

"please, please, please," you whined, intermittently squealing as you reacted to the enemy attacks. "i'll get off in a second i just need one more cleansing heart to ascend xin- fuck! not the stupid birds!"

he laughed again, his hand finding the back of your shoulder, thumbs pressing into the constantly sore flesh. you winced as he kneaded his fingers into your shoulder but exhaled, making him laugh lightly when you got knocked over by a boar. "hey, there's a boar there."

"yes, thank you, joshua." you quickly cracked a knuckle as soon as you had down time, sticking your neck out as he continued to massage your shoulders. "i think i have two more waves."

"waves? because it's a water level?"

you groaned into a reluctant laugh. "no shitty jokes right now, i'm trying to focus. normally krys and i co-op this one but she was busy."

he hummed, moving to stand next to you with his hand resting at the base of your neck. "wonder what she was doing."

"don't you live with her?" you teasingly asked, glancing up at him for the first time while sprinting across the platform, your game camera spinning uncontrollably when you suddenly pulled both hands to your mouth and gasped. "what the fuck, joshua?"

he stifled a grin, but it was completely obvious in his eyes as you stared up at him, blonde hair curled lightly to stay out of his face. "what's up?"

you stood from your chair, inspecting his head. "what the fuck?"

he laughed, wrapping his arms around you when you ran your fingers through his bleached locks hesitantly. "do you hate it?"

"i-" you blinked at him repeatedly. "what? no, i don't hate- what the fuck, joshua?"

"what?" he whined, eyebrows tenting at you even though his lips were still smiling. "does it not suit me?"

you held his head and squinted at him. "josh, you're hot. you look hot. but what the fuck?"

he laughed, finally planting his hello kiss on your lips. he watched the gears turn behind your eyes, puckered lips becoming a pout.

"did you go to a salon?"

he grinned. "krys did it."

you made a fist at him, scrunching your face for a second as you exhaled, looking down at the screen right as your last team member died, respawning at a statue. "that's why she used so many smiley faces when she said she was busy."

he put his lips to your cheek, smiling into your skin. "not bad though, right? you got a pretty handsome boyfriend."

and while you would have loved to roll your eyes and tease him, you were overtaken by a giggle as you turned your head towards him again, the tip of his nose gliding across your cheek. "yeah, i do."

his eyebrows went up. "wow, wasn't expecting you to admit it so readily."

you laughed, a light, carefree laugh, your palms on his jaw as you kissed him. "i have eyes, joshua." he just smiled against your lips, lacing his fingers together behind your tailbone, and you pulled away slightly to look up at his hair again. your hands went to his nape, fingertips against his scalp. "how long did it take? you have thick hair."

"we did three sessions," he said. "enjoy it while you can, it might fall out."

you laughed with him, brushing your fingers gently in his bangs again. "it feels fine, though?"

"yeah, i made this incredible discovery that i'm almost positive i'm the first to hear about it. it's called a hair treatment."

you batted at his chest, giggling. "shut up."

"make me," he said, the sweet smile on his lips making the phrase more playful than suggestive.

"i can't believe you surprised me with bleached hair," you said, plopping into your seat and exiting the game. "you know i hate surprises, right?"

"that's too bad," he said, his hand returning to rub against your neck. "i like surprises a lot. get used to them."

you puffed out your cheeks, sighing slowly. "usually people compromise."

"not on this," he stated. "i'm a gift giver."

"yeah, i figured that out when you got flowers sent to the studio on our one month anniversary, then again on our second, then here on our third…"

he was just smiling smugly at you when you stood again, maneuvering around him. "and you love getting them?"

you rolled your eyes, not even commenting when he playfully patted your butt as you went by. "they're always tasteful and it's nice to have some seasonal flowers for the counter."

"so you love them," he repeated. "because it sounds to me like you love them."

you laughed, reaching out to catch his hand in yours and pull him along with you as you exited to the main living area. "and what if i do? so what, joshua hong, if it makes my heart beat a little fast when we suddenly get flowers delivered and i realize it's the fourteenth? are you gonna call me a hypocrite because i vocally advocate that traditional chivalry is bullshit?"

he just listened to your playful accusation, more proving that you were self aware rather than egging him on. "no way," he said plainly. "you can still think traditional chivalry is bullshit, it won't stop me from trying to make you smile."

you felt your face heating up, your jaw dropping slightly to let out an annoyed huff. "cheesy, joshua. i'm offended."

"want me to make it worse?" he asked, wrapping his arms around your waist.

your hands landed on his chest as you squinted at his grin. "i'm scared."

he gave you a crooked grin. "happy one hundred days. i brought sushi."

your head whipped over to the counter, spotting the paper bag with a familiar logo. "from nori table?"

"of course, from nori table."

joshua had promised jeonghan that you would make an appearance as a couple at a party he was throwing the next day, and you found yourself almost nervous. you got on with jeonghan famously - almost enough to drive joshua insane - and you even warmed up to seokmin pretty quickly, but from what you had been told, jeonghan enjoyed partying, and you didn't really like getting drunk.

"you made it!" seokmin grinned big, spreading his arms to signal for you to let him wrap you in a hug. you laughed and greeted him, enjoying the friendly comfort, then watching him hug joshua after he let you go. "and you're blonde! life's good?"

"yeah," joshua said, making eye contact with you briefly as his fingers tangled with yours. "life's good. you?"

seokmin blinked before he said "yeah, good!" and your brow knit slightly before you consciously adjusted your face to hide the analysis of his hesitation happening behind your eyes. "this is your first time here, right?"

you nodded, smiling and following him as he led you into the crowded apartment. "yeah, it's been busy lately. but i finally made it to one!"

"well, you need to meet my friends," he said, continuously looking back at you even as he walked ahead, towards a corner of the living room. "you're gonna love them."

"aye, josh!"

you looked to the source of the call, spotting the guy pulling himself to his feet from his seat on the couch, arms wide in greeting to your boyfriend.

"hey, hosh," joshua said, a sideways grin on and his brows tented as he gave him a quick handshake into a hug. quickly, he put a hand on your opposite shoulder, pulling you towards him and quickly introducing you.

soonyoung initially went in for a hug after your introduction, but immediately noticed the way your eyes widened slightly and instantly pulled his arms down, leaving a hand extended for you to shake. you laughed, taking it, and apologized for not being a hugger.

"no worries," soonyoung laughed, and you wondered if he was always this pink in the face or if he had already started drinking. "seokmin will hug me, right?"

"everyone!" seokmin ignored him, pulling you towards the people gathered on and around the couch. he announced you to his friends then quickly went down the line - soonyoung, seungkwan, jihoon, dongmin, yugyeom - you repeated the names back to him like you would remember all of them, even though you knew you wouldn't unless they became regulars in your life, too.

jeonghan flitted by and expressed his greetings to you both some time later, intending to abscond with joshua for drinks and conversation elsewhere, but he stopped jeonghan from pulling him away before he put a hand on your elbow, looking at you meaningfully.

"i'll be okay," you told him, smiling. "go ahead."

he squinted at you. "you sure?"

"seokmin's here," you reminded him, nodding your head at the boy you had practically adopted as your own brother. "real quick, about soonyoung-"

he quirked an eyebrow at you. "what about him?"

you chewed your lip, smiling. "karol's been a little too focused on work lately, right?"

his eyes widened, thinking about your roommate. his eyes went to the man you had referenced, who was currently chanting something into seungkwan's face as he rolled his eyes. "karol?"

"what do you think?" you asked, looking back at soonyoung.

he blinked. "i think he'll drive her insane."

your eyes shone at him. "i think she'll love it."

he laughed incredulously, registering that you had asked his opinion instead of just doing whatever pleased you, and he wondered if that meant you trusted him. "you're right," he said finally. "try it."

"of course i'm right," you said, giggling against the quick peck he put on your lips. "remove him, jeonghan."

"finally," an impatient host shot back, rolling his eyes in a way that landed in a sly smile at you. "for what it's worth, i think your plan will work."

"didn't need your approval, but i'll take it," you said, smiling smugly at him. "i'll update you later."

the update you gave the next time you saw him, weeks later, was that karol had left the apartment every week since to go be with soonyoung somewhere fun and exciting, and you waved her off with a shiteating grin every week, culminating in the two of them arriving to krys' birthday party hand in hand.

jeonghan laughed, stealing a carrot stick from your cutting board as you arranged them into a rainbow themed charcuterie platter. "knew it. soonyoung loves women stronger than him."

you looked at him as he took a bite. "and karol loves someone she can take care of."

"look at us," he said, waving the half eaten carrot between the two of you with a lopsided grin on his face. "what a duo. we should hang out more. fuck joshua."

you laughed at him, then at the offended look on your boyfriend's face as he walked past. "now?" you asked eyebrows raised as you looked at him expectantly, and he laughed when he realized what the last words out of jeonghan's mouth were seconds before.

"please, this is a child's birthday party," he reminded you, and you laughed at the overexaggerated look he gave you to sell the joke.

you looked over to where krys was laughing with seokmin, soonyoung, and karol, then back down to your work as you nudged around quartered figs with a vague smile on. "seems like the kids are having a nice time."

jeonghan sighed, falling dramatically against the counter. "oh, to be young and in love."

joshua laughed. "karol's our age."

his cheek was planted in his palm, elbow on the counter as he gazed after the group. "i'm talking about seokmin and krys."

"what?" joshua asked, voice nearly cracking, and you let out an explosive laugh. "seokmin and who?"

"stop acting stupid," jeonghan waved ahand at him, then popping his eyes up to catch your look of solidarity. he pointed at you. "see? we're on the same page, which means we're right."

joshua looked at you and you raised your hands in surrender. "are you serious?" he asked. "my sister and-"

you landed a hand on his face, effectively shutting him up as you giggled. "shush, josh. just leave it, okay?"

"good idea," jeonghan sighed, straightening and picking up the platter you had finished. "dining table?"

"please," you responded, looking back and giggling when joshua looked just as dumbfounded as he had before you looked away. "she's an adult. seokmin's a good guy. let it happen."

he closed his mouth, stealing a glance at his sister. "he is a kindergarten teacher."

"and both your best friend and your partner love him," you reminded him. "she could do worse."

he gave you a look. "she has done worse."

"shut up," you said, pushing his shoulder in your friend's defense. "you've done pretty bad, too."

his eyes went to the ceiling, remembering the accidental altercation you had been forced to have with one of his more regrettable exes. "how many times do i have to apologize-"

"you don't," you laughed, putting your hands on his cheeks and focusing his eyes on yours. "but krys is an adult. she's allowed to judge her own partners, and even if she ends up being wrong, she's old enough to make her own mistakes."

joshua huffed, knowing you were right but not wanting to admit it. "sorry i'm trying to protect my one and only baby sister."

"yes, and you're adorable," you assured him. "best big brother ever. but it's her birthday, and if you don't start getting drunk soon, she'll be very upset."

drinking with joshua was fun. because he wasn't much different than yourself - he didn't get crazy, he didn't get loud. he just got loose. he let stupider jokes out, and he was more willing to join in on krys' performative comedy bits throughout the night. you found yourself falling onto a couch with him, giggling as he caught his breath after a particularly involved musical number.

the most fun you had drinking with joshua was in itaewon, long past midnight but still what you considered halloween. you had been dragging karol with you for years, but now you had a boyfriend, and she had a boyfriend, and you both had a new joint best friend, so it only made sense for you to get them all take the train ride out to your favorite part of seoul.

ratatouille. that was the only way you could get joshua to go with you. he wanted a couples costume and he wanted you to be the rat.

"this feels backhanded," you told him.

"do you want to be linguine?" he asked. "i can be sexy remy. i can find grey hot pants, but you have to be the one to attach the the tail because i have no idea what my butt looks like."

you laughed, resigning to your fate and buying the outfit online, then looked at him suddenly. "liar. i know you check yourself out at the gym."

"okay," he said, eyes on the ceiling as he herded a giggling you into his arms. "then… i want it to be accurate, so you need to attach it directly at my tailbone." he cocked his head at you after you settled into the hug. "i have to be wearing them, obviously."

"obviously," you said. "but unfortunately, i already ordered the body suit."

josh pressed his lips together and made a quick fist in victory. "awesome. i-i mean! aww, well, that's fine, i suppose." he sighed dramatically, convincing absolutely no one that he hadn't wanted this outcome all along. "i'll be linguine."

"i don't feel like fighting a bunch of gays in itaewon for your affection anyways," you said, making him laugh and kiss your cheek quickly before pulling away.

"grilled cheese?"

"is that even a question?"

it wasn't a question when you were weaving through throngs of bunnies and angels, either, holding hands with both him and his sister to not lose them in the crowd, karol and soonyoung trailing behind krys, all five of you on a mission to get carbs in you after starting the night off nearly too strong.

halloween in itaewon was different. it was special, you thought. you usually didn't like crowds, but this one felt good. halloween wasn't a celebrated holiday in korea, but with internet, influencers, and immigrants, the culture found its way into the new age scene. you loved an excuse to celebrate your favorite characters by paying them homage, and joshua had thought that was a noble enough reason for him to justify staying up too late and drinking too much.

you had just left the diner themed bar that you devoured griddle top sandwiches from, as well as another drink, and you spotted a familiar angel making a beeline for you.

well, not you.

"how many times have i tried to get you to come to itaewon with me?" jeonghan asked, pushing joshua's shoulder as soon as he could reach it.

joshua laughed, looking shocked by the sudden appearance of his friend. "you never agreed to be remy!"

jeonghan looked at you, and burst into laughter, making your jaw drop in indignance and whacking your fist against both their arms. "at least we're original. way to put in the effort, han."

he shrugged bringing a straw to his mouth, and you eyed the pink liquid that had clearly been funnelled into a water bottle. "i look better than all these clowns and you know it."

"there you are!"

jeonghan spun, the straw still in his mouth. "shit, i haven't lost you?"

seokmin gave him a sarcastic laugh, adjusting the shoulder of his soccer jersey as he walked up behind him, quickly adding to your small circle as he greeted you and joshua. you stepped aside suddenly, revealing the members of your party that had been lagging behind. "o-oh! it's all of you!"

you made brief eye contact with joshua, who was trying to not laugh at your less than subtle attempt. "you match!" you said quickly, pointing out that krys was dressed as a baseball player. "baseball, soccer," you trailed off, looking around for help.

"sports couple," jeonghan said loudly, slipping you a quick look. "cute."

soonyoung had to put his entire palm over his mouth to stop himself from exploding into giggles when seokmin went red in the ears and krys tried to change the subject as kindly as she could manage.

when you finally made it back into joshua's room, it was far too late (early? you could think about it more, but you preferred resigning to the fact that the passage of time was beyond you and moving on), the sun already starting to light the sky as it prepared to break the horizon. when you stole his toque of his head, he put his hand on your waist, backing you up against the closet door and gently working his lips onto yours.

you giggled, your arms landing on his shoulders. "aren't you tired?

"yeah, but," his eyes fluttering over your face. "i just really like you."

you were smiling when he pressed his lips to yours again. "i really like you, too, but we've been at a sweaty block party all night and we need to shower."

"together?" he asked, a spot of childish hope in his voice. "singular shower?"

you sighed on his lips, playfully threading your fingers against his nape. "if you want?"

the hot water felt especially good after trekking home in the cold without a jacket. and even though it was just meant to be a shower, he kept kissing you like it was something more, pressing you against the tiled wall and running his hands all over your shape. you couldn't stop giggling. pushing his hands away, saying you need to wash up, but giving him looks like you wanted him to keep going. you were running your hands over his chest, rinsing away suds, when joshua couldn't help but put a hand at the base of your neck, tipping your head slightly to deepen an already heated kiss.

"cut it out," you muttered against his lips, feeling them curve despite your eyes staying shut.

"cut what out?"

you looked at him, barely processing anything other than how incredibly handsome he was, even with his lashes stuck together with moisture and his hair slicked back against his head. "trying to fuck me in a shower stall."

he laughed teasingly, leaning into you again. "then why'd you agree to come in here with me?"

your back hit the tile again, and you giggled. "to save water."

and then he's kissing you again, a hand steady on your nape as he worked you open, tongue lapping against yours with a desperation that could only mean one thing. you whimpered dumbly, the squeaky whine escaping you with no difficulty as your hands ran up his chest, your grip longing for any amount of him you could get.

his lips leave you abruptly, asking if this was too much. if you wanted to stop. but you shook your head at him, hands eager to feel more of his shoulders, his neck, his scalp, despite your legs starting to give out. steam drifted between you when you told him your legs felt like jello from your full shift of partying, and if he didn't want to hold you up, you should probably take this to bed.

you were giggling as you frantically dried each other off, stealing kisses that were far too deep to be so short and longing touches that could have been interpreted as purposeful drying if you squinted hard enough, but felt much more like careful teasing. his hands felt right running up your body, and your hair was still damp, but that didn't bother either of you when you fell into bed together.

"i cant believe you want to fuck me when i was dressed like a literal rat," you teased.

he laughed, tugging your thigh up on his hip as his nose nuzzled against yours. "a sexy rat."

you giggled, lips parting when he kissed you. "a rat from a pixar movie."

he didn't miss a beat. "a sexy rat from a pixar movie."

you roll your damn eyes at him, and he just laughs, knowing that it mattered very little what you were wearing before, because now you were bare, clean, and safe in his bed, which was exactly where he wanted you for the rest of forever.

the sun was past its peak when you woke, stretching your sore spine and legs with joshua's arm draped over you. his hand seemed to wake before he did, finding your hip and squeezing gently as he took in his signature first breath of the day.

"g'morning." you smiled at his soft voice as he squinted at you, and you rolled into him to plant a kiss on his lips.

"it's almost two," you said finally.

he groaned, burying his face in the pillow. "too early." his grip around you tightened, making you giggle. "nap time."

you whined. "i wanna make coffee before it gets too late."

"i said nap time," he muttered, face still against the pillow.

"baby, i have a headache."

his head popped up, squinting at the bedside. "there's water."

you laughed incredulously. "i need caffeine."

he just pulled you tighter. "i need you here."

"wow," you said, wrapping your arms around him as he snuggled into your chest. "would rather i suffer from a caffeine headache for your own selfish need to cuddle than let me escape for two minutes to make a coffee and come back?"

he smiled, rubbing his cheek against your sternum. "mhmm."

you giggled, carding your fingers through his hair and resigning to a few more precious moments of uninterrupted snuggling before you could relieve the vague aching in your temples.

he did eventually let you slip out of his grasp, and you asked if he wanted a coffee, too, to which he just blearily blinked at you and nodded once. you laughed, finding a shirt in a drawer and pulling it over your head before exiting to the kitchen.

you hit the kettle first, having a craving for a hot cup of coffee rather than the usual iced, grabbing a mug and glass from a cabinet. the espresso machine sat on the long counter against the windowed outer wall, and your eyes danced across the outside world as you made the two coffees. when you returned to the bedroom, joshua was on his phone, and when you cleared your throat, he dropped his phone on the pillow and pretended to be asleep, complete with a loud snore.

you giggled, sitting on the edge of the bed and nudging him carefully. "get up or i'll put the glass on your neck."

he winced at the idea. "evil," he stated plainly, flopping around to comfortably sit up and taking the iced coffee from you.

you sipped your coffee and put it on the bedside table to swing your feet back under the covers. you shoved at the pillows to support your back as you sat, grabbing your coffee and phone to begin your weekend morning routine of checking the news as you sipped at an americano. "i brought you coffee in bed at two pm. i think i'm pretty saintly."

he gave you a fake laugh, making you giggle and push your foot against his leg under the covers in a half hearted kick. "is that why you said 'oh, god' so much last night?"

you groaned. "gross, joshua. and for the record," you said, eyeing him slyly as a smile broke out on your lips. "that was this morning."

"time is an illusion," he declared, taking a gulp from his coffee and setting it down to get more comfortable beside you as you began to read an article. "are we doing anything today?"

you shook your head, eyes still focused on your screen. "nada."

"nothin'?" joshua fished.

"zilch," you concluded.

"rad," he decided, a light tone in his voice as he grabbed his phone to resume whatever he had been doing before you returned. "do you wanna order breakfast?"

you let out a breath, your head falling back as you looked at him. "yes, oh my god."

he laughed, and his eyes ran over your face in a way you recognized well at this point. to you, it was him just smiling back at you, and you liked that it reached his eyes. but to him, it was the way he looked at you when he was memorizing all the little reasons he adored you, and it was getting harder for him to pretend it wasn't more than just simple adoration.

"question," he started, eyes darting away from yours as he licked his suddenly dry lips and swallowed quickly.

"pasta," you said immediately, pulling your phone to your chest as you gave him your biggest, most convincing eyes before a finger came up to demonstrate a point. "and before you say that's not a breakfast food, i would like to remind you that it is 2pm and i had to sit through a hundred of your italian food puns yesterday despite ratatouille being set in france."

he laughed, and you gave him a confused look. "we can get pasta, but that wasn't the question."

your eyebrow quirked. "what other question could you possibly ask me right now?"

unknowingly, joshua let his face settle into the same look he was giving you less than a minute earlier. "would you want to move in?"

your eyes ran over his face repeatedly, trying to register how serious he was as you considered the idea of staying in this comforting bed and presence for the indefinite future, and even you couldn't hide how nice that sounded. the only thing stopping you was that you couldn't bear to leave karol alone. you had been living together for over four years now, she had been your first roommate in korea, your best friend for years, and an inexplicable source of quiet but understanding comfort for you.

"i understand," joshua assured you, placing his hand over yours after you expressed your hesitation. "i don't know what i'll do with myself when krys decides to move out."

you nodded, studying his face but mind wandering to other things. "krys," you hummed, and he eyed you.

"what genius plan is that brain brewing?"

you shook your head, brushing the thought out of your mind - the thought that krys had said something about needing to find a new place soon. the thought that she had said she was never gonna properly grow up when josh was taking care of her, whether she wanted him to or not. "nothing."

but it wasn't nothing. it was a compromise - you and krys would swap leases.

"are you sure?" you asked her, elbows on the island as krys ate the donuts you had anxiously made that morning. you had brought up the idea to her days before, and she excitedly agreed, but something about it felt too easy to you.

"yes," she assured you, wiping her bottom lip clear of powdered sugar. "i swear, i'm sure. how many times do i have to say it?"

you chewed your cheek. "i don't want you to feel like i'm kicking you out."

"you're not kicking me out," she said matter of factly. "i'm moving out. it just happens to be the same day as you're moving in."

you pouted. "and you're moving into my apartment."

"yeah," she said, nodding. "i get to pay lower rent and have south facing windows in my room. i should feel bad about kicking you out."

it took almost a month to organize everything, but by early december you were just waiting for the date. you purposefully scheduled for a weekend, in order to not disrupt krys' streaming schedule and your video uploads, since you had planned to do a separate moving vlog about safely packing tableware. the weekend before, krys came over to her soon-to-be home for your usual monthly brunch.

flipping pancakes that day felt a little somber, knowing it was the last time you'd be cooking brunch while living with karol. you had been with her for four years, and it felt surreal that you were finally parting ways like this. not only that, but you were moving in with a guy. the idea itself scared the shit out of you - cohabitating with someone other than karol. you'd be sharing a room. sharing a kitchen. sharing all of your space - normally, that would scare you away from agreeing, but something about joshua made you feel safe. he made you feel like you would never try to get back the distance you generally held so dear.

months ago, the idea of sharing space like that while trying to decompress would be unimaginable, but recently, you found alone time with joshua just as healing as alone time with yourself, so the idea of being able to snuggle into his side every night actually put a warm feeling in your stomach. you looked at your friends, who were laughing and drinking bloody marys as you tried to keep up with their conversation. your brain swirled, and you looked back down at the strawberries you were cutting, suddenly realizing you had never felt that way about a boy before.

"woah, you okay, babe?" krys bobbed her head downwards to check your face. "are you crying? i thought only onions did that to you."

you threw your head back, sniffling noisily trying to force the tears back under your ducts. karol stood. "oh, my god, what's wrong?" she frantically put down her drink and rushed around the counter to your side.

"wait, yeah-" krys shook her head rapidly, then reached over to take the knife out of your hand, her face creasing into a worried pout. "what's going on?"

you gathered yourself, embarrassed at how quickly you had cried so hard over such a stupid realization. you almost laughed, realizing what a scene you were making. you never cried. you weren't even sure either of them had seen it before now, yet you were ugly sobbing over something that they all probably already knew.

you swallowed harshly, clearing your throat. "i think i'm in love with josh."

krys and karol always knew you didn't truly care about the gender of your hypothetical partner, but that you had avoided men for a reason other than your attraction to them. they knew you gravitated towards women for practically your entire friendships with either of them, they knew that you never liked to get genuinely drunk and instead took care of the rest of them, and they knew you had never been very interested in sex. these were all known facts about you, and your friends understood that you kept the reasons for these facts close to your chest. they respected that.

but you finally wanted to share why. and the why was your ex.

when you had imagined telling your closest friends about your trauma, this certainly wasn't the situation you expected - crowded around the kitchen counter as your pancakes went cold, and only because you had burst into tears. it wasn't the right place, you thought, for you to talk about how he got you drunk. how you were practically asleep. how you tried to push him away but your body was weak with intoxication and you were powerless against him. someone you trusted. someone you loved.

you had always been the type to fight your own battles. you could stand up for yourself without difficulty, yet he made you scared of men. of what they could do to you. he reminded you that despite your effort to air on the androgynous, you had a body that some people might enjoy against your will. he made you want to hide everything about you and your body, wearing baggy shirts and oversized hoodies every chance you got, avoiding the unwanted gaze of men.

but recently, you've been wearing shorts more. you cropped some old shirts you never got use out of anymore to wear to your weekly yoga class. you had even bought a schoolgirl outfit for exactly one purpose, which had been entirely out of your comfort zone until roughly two months prior, but you had happily worn to please a man.

but in your defense, joshua hong was not like most men.

his appreciation of your body never felt predatory, and it always felt like it was bested by his appreciation of your mind. he didn't treat you like a prize, or like you were his for the taking. he appreciated your body as yours. while you may have found yourself the subject of his desire, you were never an object, and it had been a long time since you had felt comfortable wearing the clothes you liked in favor of opting for whatever would hide the most skin.

krys was crying. karol was too, but she was more focused on hugging you tight as you wiped off the tears that had trailed down your face. krys rounded the counter, loudly vocalising how much she loved you and everything about you, and you laughed out loud as she let out an exaggerated wail.

"actually, though," she said, pulling away slightly and sniffling. "drop the address. we're rolling up on this guy tomorrow."

you laughed again, wiping at your face when your arms were free. "wouldn't even know where to find him now."

"good!" karol declared. "fuck that guy! cut him out! you're a bad bitch!"

krys pouted. "i'm really happy josh helped you heal."

you stared at her for a second, registering that she must have been right. you eyes swam over the counter, thinking about all the times he had helped you feel more comfortable with yourself. with everything. enough to let someone in. enough to love. "i guess that's what this is, huh?"

karol cleared her throat. "so, you love him."

a grin broke out on krys' face, and your eyes immediately rolled. "you love him."

"you love him so bad."

"you wanna marry him and make adorable little hong babies."

"oh my god," you said, pressing the backs of your hands into your eye sockets, annoyed laughter on your lips as they bounced off each other. "you guys suck."

joshua started acting… odd. that was the only way you could describe it. there was nothing specific you could name - maybe the way his eyes were moving slightly too quickly from side to side? or maybe it was the way he inhaled a little extra when you asked him what was up, only for him to push his lips into an exaggerated pout and insist that nothing was. whatever it was, it made you watch him a little bit longer, your eyes squinting slightly more than usual.

you called him the day before, asking if you could bring some stuff over in hopes of making the next day as easy as possible, but his response was quick and surprising.

"what do you mean, no?" you laughed, putting down the wooden tray you were deciding the fate of. "do you have a girl over?"

you could hear him faltering on the other end. "and what if i did?"

"good luck getting her to make you breakfast."

he laughed. "i'm kidding. i have a guy over."

"oh?" you asked. "jeonghan?"

"shut up," he chuckled out. "i'm having something installed, but it was supposed to be a surprise."

"joshua," you reminded him, thinking of what the hell he could have meant by something. "i don't do surprises."

"you do now."

you groaned, a palm landing on your counter. "what is it?"

"a sex swing," he said plainly, as though that were the most obvious fact that you could have questioned, and you practically choked on your laughter, not even letting him confirm that he was joking before you were folded over your counter. and quite frankly, you could not wait another day to let him make you laugh like that as a routine.

you finally seceded, but you were glad when joshua arrived - the suv he rented loaded with krys' things - because it was a signifier that the distance between you and said surprise was shrinking quickly. soonyoung had become a surprisingly helpful voice of reason as you went through your piles of tablewares, telling you which ones to leave behind and which ones to take with you. seokmin had even arrived not long after the suv in his own car, a few brightly colored belongings in his backseat. you and karol exchanged a look when you realized he had volunteered to help krys move, but said nothing out loud, knowing she would do nothing but deny the obvious.

after yours and krys' affects were swapped in the car, you looked around one last time before telling josh you thought that was it.

"wait!" krys faltered, realizing she didn't have a good reason to stop you. "i- uh,"

"they know there's a surprise waiting for them," he said, digging the rental keys out of his jacket pocket.

karol looked to you. "do you know what it is?"

"of course not," joshua stated proudly before you could respond. "i'm like a steel trap."

you laughed. "that's definitely not how that phrase is meant to be used."

he raised a brow at you. "that doesn't change the fact that you could never get that info out of me."

"they absolutely could," karol said.

"for sure," krys agreed.

"i just wanted to let you have this," you admitted.

joshua looked between the three of you with his jaw slightly dropped, and seokmin put a hand over his mouth while crossing his arms to disguise the almost laugh on his lips.

"well, i want to see your reaction," krys decided. "so i'm coming."

"wait," soonyoung asked, putting down the retro boombox he had been investigating, among the other things that had been brought from the loft. "like, the surprise?"

"does everyone know about this but me?" you asked, hands hitting your sides in exasperation.

seokmin looked at you with wide, confused eyes. "i don't."

you lifted your hands in a vague prayer towards him. "thank you for your solidarity."

"i wanna see your face, too!" soonyoung said, ignoring you both. "you're gonna freak."

"joshua," you started, turning to him with a look of dread on your face. "what the fuck did you get?"

"i told you!" he exclaimed. "a sex swing!"

there was an excruciatingly long second of silence, making your palm land directly on your face - just above your eye - before seokmin let out a surprised, "a what?"

"he's kidding," you announced, much to the teacher's relief. "and if he's not we're breaking up."

it was decided that the entire party would move to the loft for the surprise reveal, and you watched your friends pile into seokmin's car with your palms sweating slightly and your molars gently gnawing at the fleshy party of your cheek. because, truly, you didn't handle receiving gifts well when you knew what they were, but you didn't have a single clue as to what could be waiting for you in your new home, and that made you a little nervous to have an audience for your possibly piss poor reaction.

joshua's hand found yours on the drive to the apartment. "you okay?"

you blinked and looked over at him, his eyes catching yours between glances at the road. "i don't do surprises."

"so you've said," he nodded. his fingers squeezed at yours lightly and you exhaled. "do you want to know before we go in? you can just act surprised."

your felt your face soften, registering what he was offering you. "joshua, you don't have to do that-"

"i know," he said. "but if it makes you more comfortable, then…"

"no way," you said. "i'll just stop being a baby. you set up a surprise, the least i can do is participate the way you want me to."

he eyed you, then the way you laced your fingers with his. "but you are a baby."

you rolled your eyes. "shut up, no i'm not."

"my baby," he clarified, and you let out an involuntary giggle.

he was guiding you into the kitchen, his large hands placed over your eyes and covering most of your face by proxy, and you didn't quit your playful complaints for the crowd of your closest friends that had gathered around, their presence obvious despite your vision being impaired.

"ready?" joshua asked.

"josh, i literally hate surprises, do we have to do all this?"

"yes," he said frankly. "because i'm doing something nice for us and you're going to love it so can you shut up and let me do this the way i want to like you told me you wanted me to?"

you paused, hearing the way your friends stifled their laughter as you took in a deep breath.

"ready?" he repeated.

"yeah, i guess," you sighed.

the light was harsh when his hands left your face, and you blinked repeatedly at the kitchen that you spent countless hours in, registering what was different. then, it suddenly clicked, the stovetop joshua had always had was replaced by the blue vintage styled range of your dreams.

"joshua!" you gasped, hands going to your face as you spun to look at him, then back at the range. "you bought me a lacanche?!"

he grinned, hands snaking around your waist from behind as you stood frozen in place. "i bought us a lacanche."

seokmin leaned over to krys. "what's a le conch?"

she reached up and put a finger over his mouth, eyes fixed on you. "shh, they're communicating."

you rushed over to the range, joshua following behind you as you ran your hands over the polished chrome handles that you had stared at on the website for years. "and it's all hooked up?"

he nodded, eyes on you with a smile on his face. "tested it last night."

"without me?" you asked, incredulous.

he laughed. "i didn't want to ruin the surprise by burning the loft down directly after."

your finger fidgeted on the handle, looking over to joshua. he gestured for you to go ahead, and you pushed and spun the knob, lighting a burner and squealing. you shut it off again before launching yourself into a hug.

"joshua!" you wailed, arms wrapped around his neck as he laughed, putting his around your waist. "i love it so much ican'tbelieveyouboughtusafucking lacanche range in portuguese blue for no goddamn reason!"

"there was a reason!" he laughed, letting you pull away slightly to study his face. "it's a housewarming gift. i want you to know this place is yours, too, now."

you did your best to suck the tears back into the ducts they belonged in, trying to not show just how much the gesture meant to you in that way, but you were sure one escaped down your cheek when your hands went to the base of his skull, pulling him into a kiss. you forgot the context of the move. you forgot about your friends that had been excitedly crowded in your new kitchen, anticipating your over the top reaction to what they saw as just a new stove. you, however, were overwhelmed by the specifics - the fact that he had picked the color you chose most often when building your hypothetical dream stove on the website you frequented more often than you would ever admit. the fact that it matched the details on the tile of his kitchen backsplash, a detail you hadn't even noticed when you were looking at them online. the chrome vintage knobs, the layout of the burners - everything was exact to what he had seen you dream about, and you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the love and care that expressed, hoping you could tell him just how much it meant by working your lips against his.

"ok, gross," krys announced, looking away when the two of you didn't pull apart. "i'm saying goodbye to my wallpaper and we're leaving. would anyone else like to pay their respects?"

seokmin raised his hand, his eyes on the ceiling, and krys grabbed his arm and retreated towards the hall, karol telling them to hurry as soonyoung put up a hand to obstruct his view of you and joshua. when you finally pulled away, it wasn't for their reprieve, though they reacted as though it was. it was so you could look into joshua's eyes, creased with the grin on his face as you gave him a similar one, and you couldn't wait to cook with him, on your, plural, portuguese blue lacanche range, with chrome classique handles, four gas burners, a griddle, and a warming drawer. and it would be your best brunch yet.

[arknights-imagines]

GOD that mostima post had me FEELING things. I'm glad I'm not the only one who appreciates mostima a lot wahhh ; v ; i was wondering if maybe you could do a mostima/doctor after their established relationship when one of them has got injured or smth? :o I feel like with her belief that she can't hold warmth having to provide it in a dire situation would be an interesting challenge for mostima, and likewise being on the receiving end of it in a situation like that too for her!!

(It's good to be back!!! 😭🥳)

Aaaa tysm anon! 😭🥺 I'm glad you like my stuff on Mostima haha 👉👈 tbh she's grown a lot on me since I've started this blog!! 💕 She's very underappreciated 🥺 Anywho, thanks for the request and I hope I did Mostima justice here~ 🌸

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Easing Worry

Imagine format; no fixed perspective!

Contains: Mostima, reader as the Doctor, gender neutral Doctor/no gender mentioned, established relationship, a few background characters, very brief mentions of an explosions and injuries, fluff with the tiniest bit of angst, Mostima having to deal with her emotions 👉👈

Word count: just over 2k!

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“Mostima, come in! Mostima!!”

Static was all that came in reply despite the amount of times you called out into the communications link. Frustrated, you sighed sharply and watched the blink of the Caster’s tracker on the map of the ruins displayed on the screen before yourself, Amiya and Texas.

Mostima had been dispatched on an Operation to some old city ruins in Kazedel for a Mission; Unfortunately, you couldn’t accompany the Squad she was sent out with, and thanks to her lone wolf nature the Caster strayed from the other Operators who were with her. She must’ve run into trouble soon after, because when you had tried advising her to return to her Squad members through the comms-link, all that came in reply was a commotion and then silence.

“...That’s not good.” Texas’ tone wasn't very telling, but her furrowed brows and tight jaw read unease. From beside you, Amiya spoke up, “Doctor, what would you like to do?”

Mostima’s tracker was still active, which meant she must’ve been alive - still, the pit of worry in your stomach didn't fade in the slightest. When you didn't reply, Amiya decided to take the lead, “We should wait a little while longer. Maybe Ms. Mostima will get back to us…”

You had your rapt attention on the screen before you, and so when no protest from you came, everyone did as Amiya said. Even after some time passed, the tracker didn't move and nothing came through the communications link.

From her spot at another console nearby, Closure huffed loudly, “...our drones can't find her.” When you turned to look at her, she went on, “Doctor, Mostima is definitely alive down there but… we can't see her from up here, and I have no idea what happened.”

Your stomach dropped to the floor and you fell silent; within seconds the worry began eating at your insides, soon creating a suffocating tension around your heart. The thought of something happening to Mostima made you feel ill - more ill than any sickness had ever made you feel.

Amiya spoke in your place again, “P-Perhaps we should send someone. I’ll call one of our other Operators and we can create a plan-” “No, I’ll go.” Everyone's heads snapped to you right away, their faces filled with consternation and slight surprise. As was expected, Amiya shook her head right away, “Doctor, it isn't safe down there-” Though difficult, you shook your head and replied as calmly as you can manage; if it wasn't safe for you, then Mostima was in grave danger and needed to be extracted right away.

Amiya seemed conflicted - however, everyone was well aware of how much Mostima meant to you, and how much you meant to her. Your relationship was common knowledge around Rhodes Island by that point. And so, though she was worried for your safety, the Chimera nodded and stepped in front of the map displayed on the screen to take your place, “Alright, got it. I trust you, Doctor - bring Ms. Mostima back safe and sound!”

Not wishing to waste any time, you began heading straight towards the door of the aircraft; your heart pounded almost deafeningly in your ears as you outfitted yourself with proper protective care and a parachute. Closure opened the aircraft door, and you stepped close to the edge with one thought in your mind;

‘Please be okay, Mostima.’

…

The expanse of ruined land was silent; the heavy scent of sulfur and ash was carried in the air, and the dust from the building collapse was only just settling. Convinced that they had successfully killed any threat, the Reunion soldiers took their leave - the aircraft that was hovering over them couldn't mean good news on their end.

Unable to move, Mostima groaned quietly - she had only just regained consciousness, what happened? She didn't quite remember right then. Some sort of heavy weight is putting pressure on her whole body, especially her legs and chest. As she attempted to open her eyes, pain spread throughout her skull like a flood and forced her to screw them shut again. Somewhat paralyzed under whatever was holding her down, the Caster stayed lying on the ground, taking in shallow breaths.

When her ears began to stop ringing, the sound of footsteps followed by a voice calling her name caused Mostima to snap back into reality once more. ‘....Doctor?’; That was right, she was on an Operation you assigned her to, but something had gone wrong along the way. Had you come looking for her?

Finally, she found her strength; it wasn't much, however. Wincing as she moved her body, the Caster lifted her arms and began forcing up the rubble that was pinning her form down as best she could. Your voice tore through the air again - “Mostima!” - and your quickened footsteps neared her. You assisted her in lifting the remnants of the exploded building off her body, insisting that she tried to move as little as possible as you removed the rest of the rubble from her body.

Moaning a little in pain, Mostima shakily shifted her body until she was sat with her back against one of the pieces of debris you had helped lift off her. With the adrenaline now gone, pain began filling her body in so many places that even breathing began to sting; and yet, when you had given your attention to her, her usual soft smile played on the Caster’s lips.

You knelt beside her right away, hands hovering over her form, “Mostima, are you okay?” Grinning still, she managed a nod, “Doctor, hello to you too…” Though she tried, she was unable to bite back the pained wince she made as she lifted her arm to wave at you. Your eyebrows knitted together and your face twisted in a frown - and yet Mostima was smiling at you still.

“What happened?” Your hand had come to cup her cheek, but she shook her head before her fingers could rest on her skin; no matter how much time you two spent together, it seemed her instinct was still to reject any affection you wished to give her. Avoiding your gaze, she began to explain, “During the Operation, the Squad got ambushed. Hm, our guys were actually doing well, we had almost taken care of all of them.” A small sigh bridged her sentences, “But just as things were wrapping up, I saw a few of the Reunion trying to make an escape. I figured that was no good, so I went after them...haha, I guess I walked right into their trap, because the next thing I knew I was under all that rubble.”

While she had been talking, your hands were pressing and running over parts of her body checking for injuries; something seemed to be impeding your thoughts, however, because though you were supposed to be scanning for wounds, your eyes were staring at the ground. Were you upset?

Hoping to lighten the mood, Mostima spoke once again, This time a strained laugh left her, “Ahaha...sorry, I still really don’t get this whole ‘teamwork’ thing.” Immediately, you shook your head, “No… don’t worry, I’m not mad.” She lifted a bow at you.

Your eyes finally looked up from the ground and you reached into the bag you were carrying, unearthing bandages and a clean cloth. The Caster fell quiet as she allowed you to cover the scrapes and cuts on her arms - your touch was so gentle, you touched her as if she was made of precious glass. You took the cloth in your hand then lifted it to her face; this time, however, Mostima didn't shake you off or pull away. Instead, she met your gaze - and what she saw caused her heart to ache.

Your face was riven with worry, only some relief was on your features - probably due to the fact that she was still alive. Mostima’s calm grin faltered, “Doctor….” In all honesty, seeing you so worried over her caused the Caster more pain than any of her injuries did; this wasn't her intention, she didn't mean to panic you to the point that you came down to look for her.

She wasn't used to this, you were both acutely aware of that. Mostima worked alone, Mostima dealt with things alone; before you, every person she held dear was someone she also ended up pushing away. Close bonds - she didn't need them, the Caster told herself, there was no need for them in her line of work. And so she was never raring to work with others, and people she had relationships with barely ever saw her anymore.

But with you, her usual method of pushing away until the other person gave up didn't work. And soon, thanks to your persistence, warmth began blooming in her heart - and she was helpless to stop it.

Unfortunately, Mostima was just as helpless when it came to expressing all the warmth she held for you in her heart. You caused emotions she contended with, and so her first instinct was to pull away or push you back; and that usually just left both of you feeling hurt. The Caster didn't believe in her capacity to encompass love or warmth - but you did.

Finally, Mostima found her voice once more, “Doctor...angel.” She corrected herself, instead using the nickname you rarely ever heard from her. It was mushy, cheesy - and yet butterflies filled your stomach every time she used it. Once she was sure she had your attention, the Caster spoke, trying her absolute best and allowing all of her words to come from her heart, “I’m sorry, I know I must’ve scared you really bad. I didn't mean...to worry you.”

Your face softened at her words; placing the cloth down, your hand found its way to hers. When she interlaced her fingers with your own, you smiled gently. Relieved to see you more at ease, Mostima squeezed your hand as best she could considering her loss of strength before continuing, “Unfortunately - in case you haven't noticed - I’m terrible at this. Haha…you’re really unlucky to have fallen in love with someone like me. I push people away, I push everyone away.” Her smile had gone, and now her face was filled with serious, genuine sincerity. “But I don’t want you to go away, you’re the first person in a long time who I’ve wanted to stay with. And I know I’m not good at showing it…”

Gathering some of her strength, the Caster shut her eyes as she lifted your hand to her lips and placed a gentle kiss on your fingers. “But my dear Doctor, my sweet angel - I care so much about you. Actually, scratch that... I love you, I love you so much.” And she trailed off, relaxing with her lips on your hand and losing herself in the moment for just a second or two.

It felt indescribably warm to just shut her eyes and pretend it was just you and her in the entirety of Terra. While it was hard to take down all her walls, it was so much better than deflecting your affections and was worth it for the way her heart grew in her chest as she allowed herself and you to be compassionate towards one another.

When your hand moved to cup her cheek, Mostima leaned into your touch rather than pulling away. When her eyes fluttered open, her gaze fell upon your effusive smile; “I love you too, Mostima. I promise I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.” Your words prompted her to chime with a light laugh, “Hehe, I guess there’s no getting rid of you, huh~?” You shook your head in reply - when your grin widened, she couldn't help but mirror the expression.

Facial features softening and becoming sincere, she left another kiss on the inside of your palm, “I’ve never had anyone like you...Sorry if I’m not always cooperative. Thanks for looking after me, Doctor.” A warm, passionate grin came to your face as you replied, “Always, Mostima.”

The area that surrounded the two of you was in a ruinous state, that same heavy scent still hung in the air and injuries were still littered all over Mostima’s body. And yet; upon seeing your smile, her body filled with a heartened feeling.

[xuxishortcake]

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 : you are an undercover agent, still fairly new at the job & on the search for two notorious con men, who might be part of a gang in the mafia. it's your job to figure out what's going on but oh my, are they more dashing than expected.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 : switch!reader sub!jungkook dom!taehyung smut , cursing, forced into s*x , cream pie , fingering , blowjob , double penetration

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 : 3k

hello everyone! this officialy my second fanfic I've written, so pardon if there are any mistakes, grammar errors, etc. feedback is appreciated greatly! hope u love the fic!! ^_^

✧༺🍷༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

you wore a black suit that was nicely tailored to your body. you were driving around in San Francisco because you were assigned to work there for the day. all you knew so far was that you were after two con men who might've been involved in serious Mafia activity. you kept your ears on alert, waiting for more information from your agency. finally, you got an incoming call on your watch.

"hello?"

"hey y/n, it's seulgi. so I've found the house you need to go into, it's in the Presidio Hights neighborhood. I'll send you the full address. " *ding* came in the address & seulgi continued on. "the two men are Korean with the names Jeon Jeongguk & Kim Taeyhung. remember, be careful, we have no idea what these two are capable of, there's evidence pointing to them being in the Seo-bang Faction group."

"don't worry," your replied. " I might be one of the newer agents, but I've been taught well. "

"ok. we're counting on you. we have backup, but it'll take about 10minutes to get to the mansion since we don't want them to discover us. "

"gotcha. I'll call once I'm done." & you hung up the phone.

you pulled out the message with the address, put on your navigation system & started driving towards your destination.

thirty minutes later, you arrived & parked nearby the grand mansion you were to go inside of. you scouted far away with a special type of glasses to find an entry way. there was easy to open windows on the second story & you made your way to the mansion. going through the window, you stepped onto the plush, maroon colored carpet. finally inside, you walked as quietly as you could, your shoes were designed anyways to be as quiet as possible but it was better to be safe than sorry. it was surprisingly quite minimalistic with decor, the decor itself though being very ornate. you looked down the interior balcony. a grand set of marble stairs led up to the second floor & third floor. you started walking up to the third floor, there were some pretty expensive looking paintings leading up. finally reaching to the top, you walked down the long corridor. checking in each room if there were any signs of life. no luck. where in the hell were they? could it have been possible they knew somehow someone was coming & left? the final room you were about to check was the biggest, the master bedroom. the first thing you took notice of was the huge espresso colored canopy bed with a velvety crimson bed spread. there were also a few shelves with gold items & books on them. you looked through them all, to see if there was anything hidden but there was nothing. you checked in the huge bathroom, nothing. just a beautiful & large bathtub & joint sink. puzzled, you sat on top of the bed. you hadn't a clue what to do next. there weren't any new messages from the agency, so the two must've been in the house somewhere. you started to feel a sudden wave of drowsiness wash over you. was it because of the jet lag? no, this isn't normal. it was probably sleeping gas. you were now barely able to keep your eyes open & saw two figures walk into the room. {shit.} you thought, & blacked out.

what seemed to be hours later, you slowly started to regain consciousness. you were calling out to your watch to call your agency & nothing happened. you now realized you were tied to a chair & stripped of gadgets, weaponry & even your own clothes. you started to turn your chair around the room to find if there was anyone around. in came from the corridor & into the bedroom the two men you were supposed to find. they both were nicely tailored, as to be expected but the thing that had caught you off guard was their visuals. the two seemed to be in their twenties & were very, very good looking. they sat down onto a sofa that was across from you, both staring intently into your eyes.

"well," said the one with particularly long eyelashes "are you going to start talking or no? "

"yeah, we're not waiting all day for an answer. " vocalized the other, looking you up & down.

you felt absolutely mortified. not only were these men goddamn gorgeous, but you were only in the pair of black lace underwear that was concealed underneath your suit, which was now in a bundle in the corner of the room.

"I was sent here to investigate the two of you."

"by whomst?" asked the one with the long eyelashes.

you stayed silent. if these men were really part of the Seo-bang Faction group you could never let them know where you worked at, for your whole agency could be in grave danger.

"still not trying to talk hm? bring out the gun, jeongguk."

your eyes widened, trying to maintain a calm face. jeongguk went out of the bedroom. a few seconds later, he came back in with an old fashioned looking pistol, handing it over to taehyung. taehyung cocked the gun.

"now tell me, with WHOM are you working for? " he spoke watching intently.

"I'm not going to tell unless you tell me about yourself first." you retaliated.

"oh well, suit yourself." he pointed the gun & pulled the trigger.

your eyes we're closed shut & you were sweating bullets until you realized that you were still alive.

taehyung was chuckling. "oh my, you should've seen your face then, it was priceless i tell you, priceless."

"are you going to kill me?" you asked, clearly shaken.

"oh trust me, he could have" jeongguk interjected "we already knew someone was coming here, we just wanted to have some fun. there are no bullets in that so there wasn't any way to kill you with it. "

"aren't you concerned I'm trying to report about you two? your members of that gang no? "

"haha, no. I can assure you we are just simple, cunning assholes, who like to do frauds, maybe a few scams here & there, but we're not involved in some huge Mafia group."

"do you expect me to believe you?"

"yes, I guess. after all, what else can you do now that you're stuck here?"

"so...what do you want from me then?" you asked.

"like I told you, fun."

"what do you mean exactly? "

"to put it simple, a real fun, hot fuck. we haven't had one of those in a while. sure, you can get a prostitute & we have no problems getting any person that we want, but this, this is much more interesting. " jeongguk said smirking, crossing his arms.

"if you do it, we'll let you go. "taehyung added, fidgeting with the rings on his fingers.

what the hell were you supposed to do in a situation like this? sure, you had been in difficult situations before, but not like this. this....what were you supposed to tell your agency? you were forced into sleeping with two men who were possibly in the mafia? there had to be another way out of it...

"listen, unless you have super powers & can magically weasel yourself out of very tight rope, there's no other way for you to get out of this. " taehyung said almost as if he could read your mind. "so is it a yes?"

you gave a slow nod.

"hmmm, ok great. well, not that you had much of a choice anyway but I promise you won't regret it. " taehyung stated confidently. "jeongguk, untie her."

& he untied you. rubbing your sore wrists, you looked up at the man who untied you. god, he really was good looking.

"so, what now?" you asked slowly standing up.

"we need to know three things." said jeongguk. "one, are you dominant or a sub, or both? two, what is your safe word? I know technically what we are doing isn't legal, but it's no fun if you're uncomfortable and lastly, three. can you take two cocks at once? "

"I'm a switch, & hell, I bet I could take two. for a safe word...." you looked around "gold."

"ok cool, let's get started then." jeongguk said while pushing you onto the bed.

taehyung stood up from the couch & walked over. the two now standing over your smaller frame, like two foxes staring at their prey hungrily.

"you suck on him." said taehyung pointing at jeongguk. "I'll take care of you."

jeongguk started to unfasten his belt & you, still on the bed turned so you were horizontal,in a dog position. only pants down, you palmed him through his boxers. you finally pulled them down & revealed his half hard on. he was in your hand & you gave a few quick strokes & took him in vigorously. he let out a low groan, you could feel him already growing in your mouth & started to move while you were sucking. he put his hand on your head, keeping you at a steady pace. meanwhile, taehyung was behind you, on the other side of the bed, palming your ass. the feeling of the cold rings on his fingers squeezing your flesh made you gasp. he traced his fingers over to your underwear & pulled them to the side. he ghosted over your slit, collecting some of your wetness onto his fingers. gently, he prodded a finger up your pussy. slowly moving it, in & out & added another one. you moaned, vibrating against jeongguk's cock.

"oh shit, do that again." he said head thrown back a bit, holding onto your head tighter.

taehyung inserted another finger; now three fingers were knuckle deep into you. you could hear how wet you were by the way your pussy was squelching. you had muffled moans for jeongguk kept your mouth full. you had difficulty not crumbling under taehyungs touch, his hands working like magic. he pulled out of you & you whined, desperately clenching around nothing.

"pull out." taehyung said to jungkook while licking off his fingers. jungkook nodded. "y/n was it? go put that brat in his place & do not let him touch you. "

taehyung walked over to a piece of furniture, rummaged around a drawer & came back with a blindfold & handcuffs.

"put these on him." taehyung said as he handed you them.

"aw shit really?? why can't I see?" jeongguk whined, giving a little pout & took off his top.

"because you were having a little too much fun over there. plus, you like being a sub anyways."

jeongguk & you went towards the headboard. you snapped on the handcuffs & tied the blind fold on jeongguk "don't worry," you whispered to him, starting to pull off your panties & bra. "I'll take care of you real good." & it sent shivers down his spine.

you positioned him to your entrance & sank down on him. you both moaned in unison , the stretch feeling incredible. his hips had already starting to move; you bounced up & down on him, hips sometimes twirling. you gave attention to his neck & started to lick & give damp kisses.

taehyung felt his hard on press tightly against his pants & started to undress. he went back to the same drawer from before & he brought out a bottle of lube & got onto the bed. he poured a considerable amount of lube onto his fingers & sat behind you. he took to your neck & started leaving kisses & bites on it, causing you to softly moan.

"do you need to be warmed up? or do you think you can handle me now?" he asked against you, stroking his cock in anticipation.

"I mmm think I can take you." you said, moving yourself a little so you were in an angle that he could get inside of you.

"can I have the blindfold off please? I really want to see this." jeongguk said, hips grinding up into yours.

"ok, take it off of him y /n." & you went & did as he said.

taehyung didn't waste any time, he moved his cock over your unoccupied hole,teasing you for a bit, & finally slid in. you moaned out loud, tears starting to form in your eyes. taehyung felt girthier whereas jeongguk was longer, you felt so full & it was wonderful.

"fuck." taehyung groaned against your ear "you're so damn tight." & started to thrust.

you & jeongguk didn't move as much anymore because you both could feel him thrusting into you. taehyung thought he'd take it up a notch & slapped your ass. you moaned out, surprised & had tightened around jeongguk.

"oh my god, I'm gonna cum." he cried out, thighs starting to shake a little.

"I only want you to come when she does. " taehyung said as he thrusted deeper & deeper into you, slapping your ass harder, winning another lovely moan out from you.

taehyung bent over you now & cupped one hand around your tit & the other snaked down to your clit. between the deep penetration in your pussy, the thrusting in your ass, one of taes hands playing with your nipple & the other rubbing circles on your clit, you felt your climax approaching you.

"oh fuck- I'm about to cum." you moaned out, barely able to stay in position, feeling as if you were about to break.

"go then. you can go now too jeongguk." taehyung said, his own thrusts starting to get sloppier.

you clenched around the both of them, moaning out. jeongguk moaned out right after you, finally releasing, shaking beneath you. which triggered a somewhat chain reaction & made taehyung release right after, filling you up to the brim with cum. the three of you rode it all out together. cum was dripping out your pussy & ass, glistening on both of their cocks. you all were panting on top of each other, taehyung pulled out & went to grab some tissues in the drawer of a night stand. you pulled yourself off of jungkook & unchained his hands from the bed. you flopped in the middle of the bed, chest heaving with probably the most fucked out looking face ever. taehyung cleaned the two of you off & then himself, then slid right next to you, eyes starting to close. 

you had no idea how long you slept for, but you could see that it was still light out. then you remembered you were supposed to let seulgi know if the two were suspicious. "shit!" you exclaimed & hurried out of the bed. you picked up your watch from the corner of the room & frantically searched her number to call her. she picked up.

"hello? y/n are you ok?" seulgi asked with concern. "you were off the radar for hours, we were about to send some people over because we weren't get any responses from you."

"oh, no no I'm fine! I think maybe I went offline since I didn't see any incoming messages until now. " you said as you tried to make up something.

"hmmm, that's odd. did you find out anything? "

"sadly no, there's no evidence of their involvement it seems like."

"well then, I'd suggest you leave. we have another place for you to check out. tell me once you're on the road."

"ok." you replied. "I'll talk to you later on." & you hung up.

you went back to the bed & realized taehyung was gone & jeongguk was awake. "you're leaving already?" he asked, with a tinge of disappointment in his voice. he then reached his into the drawer of the nightstand & pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"yeah. I need to continue working or they'll think something is suspicious. " you said sliding into your pants.

"awe, that sucks. do you want one by the way?" he asked, lighting a cigarette.

"no thanks, I don't really smoke." you said, collecting all your stuff & putting it onto the bed.

"well, do you want some red wine maybe?"

you paused. "sure." & sat down next to him, taking the glass of wine he had on top of the nightstand.

"by the way, you were amazing. I don't think I've had that much fun in a good while. " he looked at you with his pretty round eyes, releasing a bit of smoke out of his mouth.

"thank you. I don't think I've ever had that much fun before, ever." you replied taking a sip of the wine. "especially with someone rumored to be in the mafia."

"yeah, pretty crazy isn't it? I don't think you expected any of this at all." he smiled. "we need to do this again, if you're up to it."

"I think I would be." giving him a little smirk. "it's not everyday you find two incredibly hot guys willing to be fuck buddies. I might have to fly back to San Francisco just to fuck. "

you heard footsteps approaching the room & finally saw taehyung, standing in the door way in a cream colored robe with a glass of red wine in his hand.

"so, you're finally awake." he said coming into the room. "how was it?"

"I liked it very much. I just told jeongguk I'll fly back to San Francisco just to fuck you guys." you giggled.

taehyung laughed, getting into the bed with you two. " I hope that is true because I'd love to do this again sometime. " wrapping an arm around you.

"definitely. I have to go now though." you said disappointedly. "I'm expected to continue working."

"hmmm, that's a shame." taehyung said sipping his wine. " I need to give you me & jeongguk's number."

"sure." you two exchanged numbers. "well, I've got to go sadly; wish I could stay longer. today was very enjoyable." you said, buttoning up your blazer.

before you walked out, jeongguk called to you "I hope you can come back! " he said, him & taehyung smirking. you smirked back, waved at them & left.

[norcalbruja]

How do I start being pagan? I'm new to it and want to know all I can about it, you linked this account from the pagan tv tropes thread. How are you able to see the Gods, and could I achieve something like that? What is the otherworld, and how do I go there? How do I find Gods that would like me?

Hello! I was planning on answering around the weekend, and THEN holiday prep happened. Sorry for the wait. 1) How to start being pagan: Learn about open traditions (those who don’t need initiation or community/family ties) and see which of the pantheons and folklore pulls at you. Most people will start with Greek and Roman mythology because that’s what they learned in school, but Celtic and Norse pantheons are also considered open. While you’re learning about them: Learn about the different religion TYPES, as well. There are many of them besides the basic “polytheism” and “monotheism.” Animism is a very common belief that says everything has a soul/consciousness, so you can talk to objects/animals directly instead of going through deities. LOTS of religions have some form of animism, and this is what we call “nature-spirits” or “fairies.”

If you think animism is less intimidating, or if you’re not pulled to a PANTHEON but more to a particular activity, you can contact the relevant gods for a relationship PLUS the actual things you interact with. If you love gardening or hiking, say hi to your plants in the mornings or when you’re at the start of the trail. If you love dogs, look around for any particular dog-loving gods, and take a few minutes to pray/meditate and set up a relationship with them. Love swimming/sailing and you’re near a body of water? Say hello to it (and any boat you use) when you take a trip over.

Some people like to start leaving offerings as a daily ritual, and this is a good thing to start up even if you don’t have an altar. Just leave your breakfast or lunch out for a couple of minutes, and tell the spirits “hello--if anyone wants some food and has no harmful intentions, I’d like to know you better.”

SAFETY NOTE: Do not talk to objects or animals if people are around, and do not pray/meditate out loud. Do not leave food offerings in public places. Here in North America, Christianity dominates everything and so if you’re talking to rocks, the lake, or animals, people usually think you have a mental illness or you’re “weird/crazy.” Food offerings may not be allowed in public places because they might get mistaken as trash, attract pests, or just get taken by whoever’s hungry. Please stay safe.

For offerings in the house, you can think your prayers/offerings and then tell any roommates/relatives that you’re just waiting for the food to cool down.

2) Seeing the gods: I can see the gods because I inherited that ability from my grandma, but unfortunately she died before I actually found that out. Trust me, it is NOT fun to see spirits all the time, at least not when you’re an introvert and hate being around too many people. The stuff I talk about online is nowhere near what I deal with on a daily basis. Some people can develop second-sight/intuition/whichever-you-call-it through training, but that’s gonna take at least a few years and a good community of people who can teach you in person. Many laymen just have little glimpses or impressions of the gods during meditations/prayers, and that’s it.

3) The Otherworld: This is where the spirits are. It is commonly thought to be “separate” from the mortal/physical world and might need intentional meditation or specific places to get there. Most people can meditate to get there (or do astral projection, for those who believe in it), and it is very common to get to the Otherworld in dreams. But for my unlucky self, I’m basically here all the time.

Any more questions?

[gg-astrology]

hello!! i was wondering about your opinion on persona charts, personally i think looking at the persona chart of a planet is very interesting but i'm not sure how reliable they are?? also i just wanted to say you're one of my fav astro blogs,your replies to people/posts are always very informative and easy to understand for beginners like myself! hope you're having a good day :~)

Hey there! 💖🖤❄️ Oh my god?? Thank you so much ! ;v; 💖🖤❄️That means a lot to me.. to hear that it’s informative and easy to understand. Thank you again for letting me know aaaaah thats so nice ;;!! 💖🖤❄️

I get what you mean!!! 💖🖤❄️  I wasn’t sure about persona charts as well so I’ve been looking into it a little bit more too. I’ve been reading this article from astro.com that really helped me understand it better from a technical stand point; what it’s for, how it’s done and what it should/might entail. 

I’ll pull some excerpt out to make it easier to digest and understand + add my understanding to it as well 💖🖤❄️  

Persona Charts - So what is it? Beginner Friendly ⬇️ 

🚫long post 🚫

So first, I usually like to understand how things are made? Where it came from. Why is the persona chart the way it is - and how it was calculated.

(all of the photo/sources are from the article linked above) 

This is a little lengthy, but from what I understand- a persona chart for the individual planets inside of us (representing different ‘personas’) is calculated from the time our natal sun makes it first round to be where each planets are.

Kind of like an activation of each planet - using the Sun as a dial and thus each persona is ‘awakened’ as it ‘becomes’ the Sun. 

Notice how our sun for each persona chart is the one for our natal placements. For example, if we’re looking at Mars like the above. If I were to have a Scorpio Mars in my natal - then my persona chart for Mars would have a Sun in Scorpio. 

Thus, when the Sun moves to our placement and creates a separate chart- the persona chart. That’s how it’s casted.

Does this make sense?? 

One thing important to note is that it’s not for every year- but specifically for the first year we’re born. So after our birth during our first year- this is when our persona chart gets activated. 

The rationale and idea behind this is very much psychological. As in- there are many archetypes inside of us. And there are layers as to how we distinguish different consciousness about ourselves. 

This is very much rooted in understanding ourselves - the article goes into details about the 12 different archetypes (what we may use each chart to see/understand what each components are) and the ways we react/receive each energy levels (the inner personalities). 

I think one of the points in the article that really hits a nail with me, was the idea of exploring the moon persona more - because if our natal is considered the yang psyche of ourselves, then the moon persona that represents the yin psyche of us is of a significant interest/important to understanding our consciousness as well.

Lastly, some notes on how persona charts is looking at parts of your natal, but it doesn’t equate to a natal chart. Your natal chart is already your natal. Your persona chart is casted based off of your natal. (i.e. your natal is when your sun is cast and the planet surrounding it at that particular point in time/space. Your persona is casted when the sun of your natal travels to the placement of each chart, during your 1st year of birth/after the natal is casted. Just by technicalities alone - they are different!)

The main idea is to read this without basing your natal into your persona, your persona can certainly help you understand your individual natal placements/axis better - it is a very helpful aid,  but not the bicycle itself? 

Like, It’s the attachable set of wheels to help us balance better. Not the actual bike, so if you walk in with just the attachable and not actual bicycle - how are you supposed someone’s going to fix your bike for you?

‘We do not look at the whole, but consider its parts. We will not forget, of course, that whole is more than the sum of its parts.’ 

In conclusion: Is it reliable? Well yes! To an extent. First we understand how it’s casted, how each chart activates. What it’s doing and what the method is for. These main technicalities are easy to see. 

In my opinion, the persona chart is only as reliable as the user knows what to do with it and how to use it. 

Subjectively, it’s the interpretation that matters most in persona charts. Because it’s dependent on the user’s knowledge of what it does, thus - how to utilize each chart and what it says. 

Handed to someone who doesn’t know what it does, misinterpret it talks about, it’s values/what it’s for - it wouldn’t be reliable at all if that makes sense?

Persona chart is subjective to the person’s intentions - so if we’re trying to look for the archetype of the warrior in a venus persona chart, I suppose the mars in venus persona chart would say something about it - but that’s not necessarily the main key factor when there’s a whole mars persona chart that IS the warrior archetype. 

Venus persona chart talks about these subjects, so getting to know what we’re looking at - the subject and context - certainly helps with understanding where we should be looking for certain things. 

See in comparison, the Mars persona chart talks about these subjects. 

Of course, Mars persona would have it’s own Venus as well. But in the context of Mars persona - the Venus would be talking about wants/desires and how we use our strengths for what we want to fight for, our capability to assert ourselves and our way/expression of fighting. Perhaps even part of our values and sensuality in how/why we do things. What we enjoy, how we enjoy, etc. 

In a way - learning about the persona chart could be good for helping us differentiate planet’s intention/energy from one another. So there’s good things in that too! 

Anyways… this is getting long but I hope this clears things up a bit? 💖🖤❄️ Technically, persona chart is casted in a way that’s understandable - once we actually ask how it’s casted. 

The Sun representing the ego of each individual planets (each charts), letting each of them become the protagonist - with a cast of characters in it’s own persona charts. Makes it seem like a metropolis with different parties, all with different politics, sides and ideas. All in one city. We’re still like- One City (natal) just with different parties inside of us in a way. 

I think most of the? idea is that we typically hear about persona chart - and hear a vague idea of ‘oh its the personality of your planet’ without actually understanding it as anything clearer than that? There’s an idea that it’s mystified to an extent, oh it can be all encompassing, without truly understanding what it’s used for or how it’s casted.

Anyways… oof ok I have to end it here now but! 💖🖤❄️ I hope this helps out! 💖🖤❄️ Lmk!! 💖🖤❄️💖🖤❄️