#( takes my niece to london for her birthday; cool nice )

[rubycaped]

men are so fucking useless lmao

[achilleid]

Laisrén Blackfern ed.

— oc questions

BASICS

What’s their full name? Laisrén Blackfern

What does their name mean? Why were they named that? Laisrén is a celtic name derived from “lassar” meaning flame/fire. Blackfern is a chosen last name. If you asked him, he’d try to say he picked it because of some profound reason, like because ferns are resilient and hardy plants or something, but he entirely picked it because he thought it sounded cool. 

Do they have any nicknames? Rén. Pronounced like “rain”. 

How old are they? Time functions really oddly in the Sidhe. When he last lived in the human realm, he was seventeen human years. That was nearly a century or more ago by human time. Physically he appears about 32-33.

When’s their birthday? December 29th (human) or 9th Day of Winter (Sidhe)

What’s their zodiac sign/element/birthstone/etc.? Do they believe that holds any significance? Capricorn/earth/tanzanite-- Laisrén believes in zodiac signs in a very nonchalant way. He is from a magical world where all kinds of weird stuff happen when someone is born, so being told some aspect of his personality is theoretically identifiable by his “sign” he’d probably just shrug like “Sounds legit.”.

What’s their species/subspecies? Do they have any special/magical abilities? He is a half Seelie/half-Unseelie Folk. Folk are presented in my world like a combination of elves and fae. Seelie are generally characterized by their more warm toned skin colors, affiliation with the light, spring and summer, Unseelie are associated with autumn and winter and tend to favor darker, cooler tones. Laisrén is a mix of both types. There are stereotypes associated with each kind of Folk, but ultimately it is entirely based on the individual.

What “class” do they belong to (for fantasy characters)? If none, what weapon do they favor? He would definitely be a Ranger class, duel-wielding swords and using a bow. 

APPEARANCE

What do they look like? Laisrén owes 90% of his appearance to Levi Ackerman from Attack on Titan I won’t even lie. So he is roughly 5′9″, has dark black undercut hair and dark green eyes. He has a warm beige skin tone that darkens in the summer. 

Do they have a face claim? Nope!

What’s their style like? Clothes, hair, makeup? His go to outfit is a black doublet with a silver jerkin over the top. During combat, he favors a set of dark leather armor and a dark cloak. Lots of dark colors. For a half Seelie, he dresses almost exclusively in the dark or jewel colors favored by Unseelie.

How do they carry themselves? What’s their default expression? Perpetual resting bitch face. And he carries himself with an air of self-assuredness and confidence that is entirely unforced. It is just how he is. Granted, he could look cool and collected and inside his thoughts are going a mile a minute. Very good at hiding how he feels.

Do they have any physical ailments or disabilities? Laisrén was saddled with a curse at a young age. His skin, starting at the fingertips of his right hand, is turning black and spreading upward. As of present day, his hand has blackened up to his palm. His nails grow much sharper and faster on that hand as well. Laisrén covers this with gloves.

PERSONALITY

What’s their alignment? Lawful Neutral

Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into? ISTP

What are their hobbies and interests? Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)? He is a big fan of games, especially strategy games. He would love Risk, History of the World and other games like that and probably plays Folk equivalents when he can. Chess too. He’d enjoy card games there were not luck based. He also does like to read and his favorite meal ever is high tea. The man will try any blend of tea ever created and he loves having a nice herb garden.

What are they bad at? He is not the best cook. Food is something to just be consumed as quickly as possible for energy, so getting him to sit down and have a meal and just ENJOY it is very hard. He also is a fitful sleeper and is very bad at picking up on subtext or subtleties when speaking with people. He does not take hints. He does not even know a hint is happening.

What kind of things do they dislike/hate? Disorganization, MESS in general. This is both literal and figurative. Messy emotions will have him cleaning the same room, polishing the same armor or sharpening the same blade in a wholly meditative process trying to either work through or ignore his feelings.

Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses? His secret vice is his love of sweets. Food is mere fuel until it is chocolate and covered in strawberries or something and then he is like “.... okay maybe a few bites.”

What are their goals and motivations? Currently? Managing his curse, keeping an eye on his “niece” and her son. Caring for his mother secretly. His goals later become more aligned with the main character’s and becomes ensuring the safety of those he cares for. Full stop.

What are their manners like? Any habits? He is not impolite, but he can be brash. He knows how to behave in different situations though, so his “brash” on the field and his “brash” at say a gathering or a meeting is very different. He has a habit of clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth when he is annoyed and only ever breaks eye contact with someone if he is feeling wholly and deeply vulnerable. 

What are they most afraid of? Living for centuries upon centuries only to turn around and realize he has done so alone and always will.

BACKGROUND

Where were they born? What was their childhood like? He was born in the Sidhe, but within a week was abandoned in the human realm. His childhood was spent raised in an orphanage during the early 1900s on Earth. He lived in London and sometimes falls into a cockney sounding accent when he is tired. 

What’s their family like? Well. His mom is thought to be absolutely bonkers because she pulled a changeling thing. And she is, on some level, mentally not all there. In Folk culture, there are some events that can cause a Folk to become trapped in one emotion and unable to overcome the enormity of it and remain “stuck” there. His mother fell into a Despair upon the death of her partner, so he cares for her and the remaining family of her human adopted son from the shadows.

What factions or organizations are they a part of? What ranks and titles do they hold? He is a Hound of the Wild Hunt and Captain beneath the commander responsible for training new recruits. He trains the soldiers of their ranks.

How do they fit into their “story”? He is at one point in the story, love interest, secondary protagonist, secondary antagonist. 

Where do they currently live? What’s their place like? He resides in a home called Elden Keep, which is a an old fortress manor that once was used as a hunting lodge. It has a western tower with a turret. It is a house of rich brown woods and plush green carpets and a very lovingly tended to garden.

How do they eventually die? WELLLLLLLLL-- they eventually succumb to the curse, but it is temporary. More like an emotional and mental death and then a rebirth. 

RELATIONSHIPS

Do they have any friends? Would they consider anyone to be their best friend? His commander Eimer and his fellow captains. Later, he becomes closer friends with Cyra’s group.

What’s their friend group like? What role do they play in it? He is definitely not even the oddest of his group, that belongs to Dillion, the resident mad scientist/mage (he’s nice! just eccentric). It is a nice blend of people and neurosis haha.

What’s their love life like? (See also: ship question meme.) Do they have any kids? Prior to his relationship with Cyra, Laisrén would have casual encounters, but nothing serious. His longest fling lasted probably off and on for a few months. He has no issues with accepting and reciprocating sexual advances, but has not had a lot of experience with feelings being mixed in until Cyra. With Cyra it starts physical, but ultimately he realizes it is satisfying in a way that past ones have not been because his emotional needs are being met.

Who do they look up to? Who do they trust? He looks up to and trusts Eimer above everyone. He is his best friend, his commander and his fellow Hound. They went through recruitment together, battles and all kinds of bad shit. 

Who do they hate? Do they have any enemies? His enemies unfortunately, when revealed, are some powerful people. He grows to hate Queen Nevan and by extension, Druth, Cyra’s uncle and the Queen’s grand commander.

Do they have any pets? He has a few horses, but he’d never refer to them as “pets”.

Are they good with kids? Animals? Good with animals. Kids he is shockingly popular with, even if he doesn’t really make an effort. They appreciate his honesty and the fact he talks to them like they understand things.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #364

“you wanna know what zeus said to narcissus?  /  ‘you’d better watch yourself’“

Do you change your type of music regularly? Nah. I've ben all about metal and rock since middle school. Would you want to visit Tokyo, Japan, someday? It's not actually on my bucket list or anything, but I'd do it. Do you curse like a sailor? Sailors are better than I am, aha... Do you hear trains pass by where you live? No. Ever been in a race? Haha, no. Last time you’ve eaten a taco? I hate tacos. Do you like horses? Sure do! Do you like Starburst? omg YES. What is your favourite wild animal? MEERKATS!!!!!! :') Do you like hamsters? They're very cute, but I've never met a nice one. Do you eat bananas? Yeah, I like bananas, but I'm VERY picky with how ripe it is. There's like, barely a two-day span where I'm willing to eat them. What is your favourite bookstore? I don't have one. What is your favorite fast food joint? Sonic. Do you sweat easily? Ugh, you haven't the slightest idea. As a side effect of one (or two?) of my prescriptions, I have I N S A N E hyperhidrosis. I can stand outside for a millisecond in like 70 degree weather and I'm already sweating. If you could move (and SERIOUSLY think about this) where would you move? All factors considered, being entirely realistic, the mountain-y region of western NC. Why would you go there? I want to stay in NC to at least not be a massive ways away from my family, and I loooove mountains. Plus, there's a lot of cool places on the other end of the state. Do you want to travel? Yes. I want to see so much more than this boring 'ole state. What was the last vaccination you got? For Covid. Have there ever been any forest or grass fires in your area? There have been wildfires towards the beach, I believe? Any time it happened we would always get the smoke all the way where we live. Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge. Do you own an acoustic guitar? No. What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? My physical health. When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? Recently. Can you roll your own cigarettes? I've never smoked, so. Are you mentally strong? I think so. I hope so. Are you physically strong? I am like, comically weak. Are you heartbroken right now? No. Do you ever get complimented on your eyes? What color are they? It's happened, but it's definitely not a regular thing or whatever. They're grayish blue. What facial feature do you like the best on a person? I'd say I'm most attracted to pretty eyes. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever held? I helped hold a massive snake as a kid (I don't remember what it was), and I've also held a rose hair tarantula. I can't think of any truly strange animals by my opinion, really. Do you get extremely hyper when under the influence of sugar? No. Sugar seems to have zero effect on me, probably because I'm over-exposed to it thanks to soda... What about caffeine? Not at all, likely for the aforementioned reason. Have you ever tried any drugs? If so, did you regret it? Besides alcohol, no. I don't regret having drank as it was never a lot. Do you have any pregnant friends? A high school acquaintance is pregnant. I THINK she's the only one now? I swear I see a new pregnancy announcement on Facebook like every two days, and mind you I don't even have all that many "friends." That being said, I may definitely be forgetting someone. When ordering food, what do you usually get as a drink? Depending on whether they have Pepsi or Coke products, either Mountain Dew or Coke. When drawing something, do you try to be super precise or do you not care? I am so, so, SO obsessive over getting everything right, but things never come out as good as I want them to/imagine them. Have you actually read Twilight? I haven't. What about Harry Potter? Never read any of those, either. I started one in elementary school, but didn't get very far at all. Out of the two, which is better? I have like no interest in either, so. How often do you read books? It various. I go through like reading episodes, and then I don't read for months. Are you the jealous type? I'm not like, an insanely jealous person, but it's still the worst it's ever been at this point in my life. I hate it. Are you the type of person who gets jealous of people’s pasts? Nah, no reason to. Do you know anyone who faints at the sight of blood? Not blood, I think, but needles and drawing blood, yes. I know my dad's fainted at least once at the doctor, and Jason fainted when I was getting blood drawn at the ER. What colors are the eyes of your family members? Just about everyone has brown eyes but me, I think my maternal grandpa, and my brother. Are you related to anyone with red hair? Not to my knowledge. Were you a chubby baby? No, I was pretty average. What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? Social situations with strangers especially. Asking for things. Public speaking/presenting. What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up to finish homework/a project? God, I remember there was this one night in particular where I stayed up SO late, but I don't remember the exact time. I think I actually cried because I was so stressed and tired. How many vegetarians do you know? In my personal life, I don't believe I know any, but I could be wrong. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? I never did, even though I was always tired. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Favorite episode of Spongebob? The pizza one, probably. Or the Hash Slinging Slasher episode. What bug frightens you most? Wasps, probably. Are your parents supportive of you? Yes. <3 How often do you take the train to go places? I've never been on a train. Have you ever participated in a mock trial, or a real trial? No. Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No. What was the last thing you took a video of? Hm... I honestly don't remember. What’s something that used to really stress you out, but doesn’t anymore? Thunderstorms. Have you ever had famous neighbors? No. Pick your three favourite vegetables. Broccoli, green beans, and uh... I'm blanking... Habitually I wanna say "corn," but I know it's not technically a veggie, but starch. Have you ever broken a movie or game disc? I think I have? What is your favourite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. Can you rap freestyle? Or at least sing raps from songs? Ha, no. Have you ever shared a house with a significant other? Yeah. Do you scream at scary parts in a horror flick? No. I might jump a bit, but not always. What do you spend most of your time doing? Watching YouTube. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? More like the YouTubers I watch. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping them. When was the last time you felt like you didn’t have a care in the world? I couldn't begin to guess. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Can you do a backwards london bridges? God no, I'd bust my back. What smiley do you use the most on the computer? (: maybe. Or :') Are any of your pets “overweight”? No, but why is "overweight" in quotations as if overweight pets aren't a real and serious issue? Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. On a scale 1-10, how funny are you? I honestly don't think I'm funny at all, so I'd put myself at a 1. Pretty recently though it was very surprising and flattering to have my dad and older sister point out that I'm "hilarious" with my wry sense of humor. I don't see it, but I mean, it was surely appreciated. What’s a song that is overplayed but you still like it anyway? I barely ever listen to the radio, yet I still know "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen is played a lot, but I could never get tired of it. Are you excited for Christmas? Christmastime is my favorite time of year nowadays, mainly because of how excited my niece and nephew always are, and we spend most of Christmas Day and usually Christmas Eve with them. I love the weather, the focus on togetherness, all that. What are you thankful for? Man, a lot. I try my best to never overlook all the truly amazing things I do have, like a loving and supportive family, a home, food and safe water, Internet haha, access to medical care (regardless of the complaints I have about American healthcare)... I've got a lot of bad going on in my life, but I've also got a great amount of good things, too. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on? Internet. What’s your favorite color combination? Maaan, don't do this. I really don't know. Probably two pastels, idk. Do you have any internet friends? I have more Internet friends than I do "real life" ones. What was the last song you listened to? "Deep Six" by Marilyn Manson earlier. How are you feeling right now? My arm is really sore from my second Covid shot, and I'm also having trouble breathing thanks to the dog (apparently, I'm allergic to whatever she is). I know it sounds bad, but I cannot wait 'til she's gone (from this house, no we're of course not euthanizing her). What color is the shirt you’re wearing? Burgundy. Do you play video games? Yeah, just not as much as I used to. Have you ever been to a club and had someone slip something into your drink? I've never been to a club period, and I don't plan on it. Do you know anyone who’s done ecstasy? Not to my knowledge, anyway. Are you on birth control? Yes, but only to regulate and soothe my menstrual cycle. My cramps were insufferable prior. Does your sibling have a significant other? All but my younger sister. Like she's in contact with who she calls "contenders," haha, but she isn't officially dating anyone. She's MEGA picky with who she dates. Have you ever cried at a real wedding? Yes, because it was very triggering to my PTSD. Any idea what you want for your next birthday? That's quiiite a whiles away, so I have plenty of time to think about that. I don't know if I'll be employed by then and thus able to buy some things myself, but I'll just say I won't be (because I'm I think rationally fearful that's where I'll still be). For Christmas I plan on just asking for a new terrarium for Venus plus better materials for it (like a proper temp gauge and hygrometer, etc.), and with that taken care of, then I might be interested in asking for a hognose for my bday, but idk. I'd want to ensure (s)he starts out with a perfect terrarium, and seeing as I want a hoggie morph, that's a lot of money in one go that idk if I'd be comfortable asking. So I'unno, maybe I'll go for a tattoo again. Wow, this was a lot of rambling for something so far off, pardon me haha. Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? My Nintendo DS Lite, actually. I can't find the darn charger for it, and I really need to so I can bring it to Ashley's again for the kids to play the Pokemon game I have that they love. Aubree especially is really into it, and she adores Pikachu and Eevee. :') Which awards show would you wanna go to the most (e.g Oscars, Grammys etc.)? I don't even know what most award shows are for, if I'm being honest. I'm not really interested. What colour is your keyboard? Black, but each key glows red. Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? Not for myself; I think they'd drive me insane. I do, however, think they look nice on others.

[darkdisrepair]

coffee shop angel

back at it again with another little thing for you guys! in this installment, bessie is the owner of jane’s favorite cafe. up until now, jane always came alone, or with the other queens, so bessie is surprised to see the blonde walk in with a little pipsqueak of a girl.

notes: timeline-wise, this would be about week 1 of kat’s stay with the queens. i have no idea how european money works so i’m sticking with american money, sorry to you cool people across the pond :)

~

It was 8:20, and Jane Seymour was late. 

Not that Bessie was really keeping track, or looking at the clock. Definitely not.

But Jane’s chocolate chip muffin and London Fog was getting cold, and Bessie never liked it when her regular customers’ orders were anything other than perfect. They deserved the best. 

For the past three months, Jane had come into the cafe at approximately 8:12 in the morning, rain or shine, work day or day off. If she was

Bessie tried not to project her irritation (and sadness) onto the next customer in line, but she couldn’t help but glance at the door every time she heard it jingle open. 

8:25, and Jane still hadn’t arrived.

Bessie was in the middle of serving another customer (a grey haired older woman, who ordered a frozen chai with extra whipped cream) when she saw a familiar flash of white-blonde hair out of the corner of her eye.

When she’d finished serving the older woman, she turned to the next customer, fixing her trademark smile onto her face as she did so, only for it to become genuine when she realized that it was indeed Jane who stood in line.

“You’re late,” she commented, as she moved toward the side counter where she’d set Jane’s order. “The usual, I assume?”

“Actually, I’d like to add a few things, if that’s quite alright with you.”

“Of course,” Bessie said quickly, sidestepping over to the monitor. “What would you like? I can add Parr’s order if you want.”

Jane was known to bring drinks to the writer when she was on a time crunch, which almost always involved a lot of espresso.

“You know, that’s probably best. And Kat, what would you like, darling?” Jane asked.

That was when Bessie realized that Jane wasn’t alone.

Standing there, with her head just barely visible from the counter, was a petite little girl, with chocolatey brown hair that faded into pink, dressed in a black peacoat and pastel pink pants. 

“Who’s this?”

“This is Katherine. Kitty, meet my friend Bessie. She makes the pastries you’ve ever tasted. I see her every day, she’s very friendly.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Bessie said with a gentle smile. She made no effort to shake the little girl’s hand- it was too easy for her to tell that Katherine’s shyness went deeper than the surface level. She’d been working at a coffee shop for too long and had the chance to read too many people for a kid like Katherine to fool her.

“Do you want to look at the menu?” Jane asked, pulling out one of the laminated cards and showing it to Katherine.

“If you like sweets, our peppermint hot chocolate is very popular,” Bessie offered. “And our sugar cookies are really pretty. There’s even a little ballerina with pink shoes that match your hair.”

After much consideration, Katherine shyly pointed to the ballerina cookie and the hot chocolate, hiding behind Jane as soon as she was done.

“There you are. Be careful with the hot chocolate, I don’t want you to burn yourself.”

Bessie handed the little bag over to Katherine as gently as she could, not wanting to scare the child, and then gave her the cup of hot chocolate. 

~

Bessie spent the entire week wondering about the pink haired child. She was so quiet and reserved for a girl of, what, four or five? And yet she was alert, watching Bessie’s every move as she’d prepared the peppermint drink.

Jane hadn’t ever mentioned a little girl in the family. Was she married? Jane tried to remember if the blonde had ever mentioned a husband... there was something about expecting a child, but that was a few years ago, and Bessie had eventually figured out that Jane must have miscarried.

She’d said nothing about trying again, or a father.

Who was Katherine? Was she a cousin, or a niece? She didn’t look anything like Jane. The clever glint behind her eyes was certainly a Cathy Parr thing if Bessie ever knew it, but then again, there was no resemblance other than that. The fashion sense seemed influenced by Anne and Jane, and the mature mannerisms came from Aragon...

She could have been any one of theirs.

The door jingled and Bessie sighed, not wanting to deal with yet another customer wanting another one of those horrendous gingerbread men. She hated frosting those.

“Hi, welcome to- Cleves, how lovely to see you again!”

“Hello to you, too, Bess,” Cleves said. “I’m just here to tell you that Jane and Kitty are coming, and we’ve been instructed to have Kitty try and order something herself. So, just, be patient? Not that you wouldn’t be, but... the kid’s got anxiety, and just-”

“Of course,” Bessie said quickly. 

Not soon after that, Jane and Katherine arrived. 

Bessie could immediately tell the difference between the week before and today. Whereas before Katherine had seemed a little skittish but otherwise calm, today she was all nerves and tightly coiled energy.

“It’s nice to see you again,” Bessie said, a genuine smile on her face this time as Jane gently pushed Katherine to the counter. “We have some more cookies today, if you want to look in the case over there.”

Katherine slowly stepped over to the display case, looking for a brief few seconds before returning to the stand.

“Do you know what you’d like, or would you like me to recommend something for you?”

The little girl shrugged.

“Well, we still have what you ordered last time, but there’s also a new sugar cookie drink that we just came out with the other day. It’s very colorful and fun, with lots of sprinkles.”

Katherine played with the beanie she clutched tightly in her hands, and said nothing.

“Whenever you’re ready, I can take your order.”

It took a long time for Katherine to work up the courage to speak. Bessie busied herself with reorganizing the register (which was admittedly a bit of a mess) while the little girl steeled herself.

“Can I have the sugar cookie drink?” she asked finally, in the tiniest whisper.

“Of course. Do you want a cookie with that?” 

Katherine nodded.

“Do you want me to pick for you, or did you see one you wanted?” 

“The snowflake?”

“Sure. That’s a good choice- I frosted that one,” Bessie said with a grin. “That’ll be $5.50.”

Katherine handed Bessie the money without a word, then threw herself into Cleves’s arms, burying her head in the other woman’s shoulder as Bessie assembled the drink.

“Here you go. You did great, kiddo. You’re a better customer than most of the people here at ordering,” Bessie said as Katherine cautiously took the bag, careful to maintain distance between them. “Come back next week and let me know what flavor you want next.”

Needless to say, Katherine came back the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that. Each time, she was just a little bit bolder, and her eyes sparkled just a little bit more.

~

On Bessie’s birthday, she came into the shop with Aragon. Bessie wasn’t expecting them, so she was surprised when the two walked in the door rather than the usual customers she had at this time.  

“Can I see you?” she asked, in her soft voice.

Bessie was confused, but took off her apron and came around the counter, thankful that there was barely any customers. 

When she emerged, she was nearly knocked over with the force of Katherine’s hug as the pink haired handed Bessie a pink bag.

“What’s this about?”

“Thank you for believing in me,” Katherine said simply.

“Oh, you don’t have to thank me. I love having you come into the shop every week,” Bessie said.

Katherine said nothing, blushing now.

“Can I give you a hug?”

That was the only invitation Katherine needed to throw herself into Bessie’s embrace, practically melting into the barista’s arms. 

“Happy birthday, Bessie.”

Needless to say, when Aragon and Katherine left, Bessie cried.

[the-coconut-asado]

Our Golden Girl’s Kitchen

A couple of years back, my cousin Doro announced she was going to publish a book of our grandmother’s recipes. It set all the cousins off on an odyssey of frenzied WhatsApps swapping memories, and in my case a mad dash to storage to find yet another of mum’s old scrapbooks, stuffed with fragments of recipes typed up on that onion-skin paper of the Mad Men era. 

Slowly but surely, recipes surfaced for Granny’s steak and kidney pudding (to this day, the name of our family WhatsApp group), tallarines (fettuccine by any other name) and more cakes and tarts than a whole series of Masterchef pressure tests.  

But Doro’s job was made much easier by someone else who had kept Granny’s legacy alive all these years. The person who, while Granny was a distant memory for many of us, was the biggest influence on our lives. At the end of the book, Doro wrote a dedication to her: “ Auntie Joan, I remember you, sometime before Christmas, making us stir the plum pudding and saying “don’t forget to make a wish!”; the chicken pie or Irish stew with dumplings you prepared when I used to come for lunch after university classes; the plum ice cream you always had in your “ancient” fridge and the smell of scones and cake on our birthdays.’

Last week, Auntie Joan died. 99 years of love, wisdom and many a raised eyebrow at each of us at one time or another. She had a delicious smile that hinted at secrets she might share with you some day, and even up to her mid-nineties kept a ramrod straight back, figure to die for and effortless elegance that prompted a 28 year old male friend to comment at my wedding that she was the only 68 year old he had ever fancied.Cheeky, but at the same time, kudos. 

If I’ve made her sound  like a warm embrace of a woman, she was. She was also a ninja. For most of her working life, Auntie Joan  - Joan Nolan MBE -  was Vice Consul at the British Embassy in Rosario, and later in Buenos Aires. She started volunteering there during the war, and eventually they started to pay her (nice of them), then promote her. 

This had upsides - her influence to help others (a guiding principle of her life), the opportunity to travel, and the people she met. She once told me of an Embassy cocktail party on board a ship attended by Eva and Juan Peron. She had little time for Peron, but was a little flattered when having started to leave down the gangplank he  abruptly turned back, sought Auntie Joan out, kissed her hand and apologised profusely for not having said goodbye. Manners counted for a lot with her, so the apparently off-hand Eva was barely mentioned in despatches.  

Her job also had downsides: held at gunpoint more than once, and in the constant company of a bodyguard after her boss was kidnapped (the inspiration for Graham Greene’s novel The Honorary Consul). One day a masked gang raided the embassy, rounded up all the staff, tied them up and locked them in the bathroom. But the ringleader treated Joan with weird courtesy, politely requested she enter the bathroom but left her unbound. Joan said afterwards: “ I think that man knew me. And if I ever see those eyes again, I will know who he was.” She kept looking but never did, but she did show us the hail of bullet holes the gang had let off at the outer wall of the embassy before they left. 

30 years on, at 85, clearly feeling she had been down this road before, she wrestled an armed thief trying to steal her friend’s car. ‘ Dear, I knew the gun was a toy’, she said breezily when I had my WTAF! Moment on a phone call with her.

Though all this time she looked after my grandparents and my great aunt until their deaths - pretty thankless and back-breakingly hard as they all survived to their nineties and in my great aunt’s case to 101 - as well as her husband Stanley who died when she was still young. Yet she still made time to feed, nurture and look out for her nieces and nephews as they travelled through her flat en route to school, college and work - and then her grand nieces and nephews as they repeated the cycle. 

Living in London, I didn’t see as much of Joan as my cousins, but felt just as close to her thanks to her copious letters. And it was her trips to London I remember most. Wafting glamorously into Gatwick in her boucle red overcoat, nipping up to Newcastle for the day to have lunch with a friend (when Dad retold the story, he always added, untruthfully,  ‘And the friend wasn’t even at home!”), leaving a cloud of delicate rose scent in her wake, a perfume that always reminded me of her apartment in Rosario. A bit like Buenos Aires itself, Auntie Joan was an evocation of the best bits of 1930’s Europe. 

And despite eating like a mouse in her own home - spreading her morning toast with what looked and tasted like wallpaper paste but was actually zero cholesterol cream cheese - her kitchen with its pots and pans, scoured and gleaming  within an inch of their lives, was in a constant hiatus of puddings, pies and roasts for the family as well as that iconic plum pudding at Christmas. And when we took her out to eat the appetite she kept hidden at home came tumbling out. I once witnessed her demolish a whole sea bass, noodles and a quarter of a peking duck when we took her to a restaurant in Chinatown. Unlike the rest of my family, she was unafraid of spice and heat. 

Serene, always; sassy,  sometimes. After all, Joan’s favourite TV programme when she came to visit us in London was The Golden Girls. In a life where everyone depended on her, she was someone comfortable with not needing to depend on anyone else - until old age meant she had to. I used to smile to myself when, in later years, she would end all of her stories with ‘And they said, “Joan, you are the ONLY one who could have done/ solved/ sorted/ this’’. And yet, if we don’t tell the world how talented, determined and capable we are - who else is going to? #thiswomancould

So here are two dishes that we all eat thanks to Auntie Joan - her plum ice cream (with some added spice from cinnamon) and her Spanish Cake, a delicate and sweet treat that evokes  those high teas that are still a family tradition. And finally, a dish that evokes the memory of lemon chicken, the dish that she and my daughter Lara would love to make together. 

Hasta luego, nuestra querida tia. We were so lucky to have you as long as we did. 

Plum ice cream

I have never eaten plum ice cream other than at Auntie Joan’s house and I have no idea why it isn’t a popular flavour commercially. My version only tweaks her original recipe - two egg whites rather than one, a stick of cinnamon and the seeds of a vanilla pod added to the plums as they poach. The brilliant thing about this ice cream - aside from it’s taste of autumn, log fires and sticky crumble - is that you don’t need an ice cream maker.

Serves 4-6

Ingredients

300g red-skinned plums

175g caster sugar

¾ cup water

1 cinnamon stick

Seeds from one vanilla pod

Juice of half a lemon

300g double cream

2 egg whites

How to make

Seed and quarter the plums and pop into a pan with the sugar, cinnamon stick, vanilla seeds and water. Bring to a simmer, cover and continue to simmer on a low heat until the plums are soft and the liquid has become syrupy. Turn off the heat and leave for another 10 minutes - you really want the spices and the red skin of the plums to seep into the syrup. 

Turn the plums into a sieve and extract as much syrup and pulp as you can into a clean bowl, using the back of a spatula. Cover and chill for at least an hour. 

In two separate bowls, whisk the cream until it forms soft peaks (be careful not to overbeat or it will turn into butter) and the egg whites until they form firm peaks. 

Alternate folding the cream, then the egg whites, then cream, then egg whites into the plum pulp. 

Pour into a freezer container - or just use an oblong cake tin, cover and freeze overnight. Remember to take out of the fridge for 15 mins before serving. 

Spanish Cake

This is the perfect cake to eat with a cup of tea or coffee. Light and delicate from texture to flavour. Simple dust of icing sugar on the top and you are good to go. Auntie Joan’s original recipe as typed - which features in Doro’s book - is as spare with detail as one of Bake Off’s technical challenges. Fortunately I featured it in a column I wrote for Choice magazine a few years ago, so  have filled in the gaps. Makes 12-16 squares. 

Ingredients

125g melted unsalted butter

200g caster sugar

2 eggs, separated

125ml milk

600g plain flour

3 tsp baking powder

1 tsp ground cinnamon

¼ tsp mixed spice

Icing sugar to serve

How to Make

Heat the oven to 180C. Grease a 20cm square cake tin and line with baking parchment.

Whisk the sugar with the butter until thick and pale. Add the egg yolks and continue to beat for a couple of minutes. 

Add the milk and beat again. Finally, sift in the flour, baking powder and spices and mix gently until incorporated.

In a separate bowl, whisk the egg whites until stiff, then fold into the cake batter. 

Pour the batter into the cake tin and bake in the oven for 25-30 minutes. The cake is ready when the top is golden and a toothpick or sate stick inserted into the middle comes out clean. 

Cool in the cake tine for 5 minutes then turn out onto a wire rack to cool. When cool, dust the surface with icing sugar, cut into squares and serve. 

Quick Chicken with kale, haricots and caramelised lemon

Auntie Joan loved chicken, and when we visited Buenos Aires when my daughter Lara was little, she and Auntie Joan would love to make lemon chicken together. Am sure she would have loved this flavour-packed little number, courtesy of Alison Roman in the NY Times. 

Ingredients

1 lemon, thinly sliced, seeds removed

1 shallot, peeled and cut into 8

6-8 chicken thighs

1 400g can of haricot or cannellini beans

1 bunch kale, leaves only (discard ribs)

1tblspn sunflower oil

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Olive oil for dressing

How to make

Toss the lemon slices and shallots in a small bowl and season. 

Heat a large frying pan or skillet, add the sunflower oil, then add the chicken, skin side down. Press the chicken down with a spatula to ensure the maximum surface gets nice and brown. Cook for 5-8 minutes, then cook on the other side for a further 8-10  minutes until cooked through and the chicken skin is nice and crispy. Transfer the chicken to a plate, leaving the fat in the pan. 

Add the lemon and shallot to the hot pan - stand pack as it will probably spit and sizzle. Cook, stirring gently, until the lemon has started to caramelise - about 3-5 minutes. 

Add the drained beans to the pan and season. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the beans soak up that caramelised chicken fat - about 4 mins. Working in batches, add kale and toss to wilt, seasoning again as you go. 

Return the chicken to the pan, along with the juices that have collected on the plate, and cook for a couple of minutes more. 

Serve, drizzled with a little olive oil, and accompany with some crusty bread. 

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

Queen of Hearts - Chapter 16 (Final)

Thirty-year-old Rose Tyler’s matchmaking business is doing very well indeed, bringing her clients such as celebrities, athletes, and the now-happily-married son of the mayor.  All of which brings her to her newest client - one whose royal rank is a far cry above her own title as Queen of Hearts.

Ian, King of Gallifrey, calls off his wedding four weeks before the happy day as he realizes he can’t spend another minute of his life with his betrothed.  The catch - he must take a wife before his Coronation, only a month away.  In desperation, his sister and aunt conspire to find him is happy ever after - and it’s going to take a master matchmaker to do it.

-

Based on the Hallmark Movie ‘Royal Matchmaker’.  Chapters will be posted every Sunday.

As always, beta’d by the wonderful @stupidsatsuma​!  @doctorroseprompts

Masterlist  |  AO3

---

Rose stared down at him, mouth hanging open as she tried to process the scene in front of her.  This man, this wonderful, kind man she was in love with, was asking her to marry him.

She tried to say yes!, tried to make her mouth move, but nothing came out as reality all but came and smacked her in the face.

He wasn’t a man – he was a King.  A king, with a country, one that was far from London and the only life she’d ever had.  Far from her Mum, her friends, her business. I’d have to give up Matchmaking.  Could she leave that?  Could she be so selfish as to abandon her mother?

She was all Jackie had in the world, really, the only family left.  Sure they had cousin Mo, and a small smattering of aunts and uncles, but it had been just the two of them almost Rose’s entire life.

Her mouth moved, no sound coming out, and the King’s happy expression was slowly fading to worry the longer she stayed silent.  She wanted him, that was not in question, but could she make the sacrifices necessary?

And would his family, his people even accept her?  It certainly seemed like the Princess did, given she’d fetched Rose from the station, but did that mean she really wanted her?  Or was she just so desperate not to become queen that at this point anyone would do?

Tearing her eyes away from the King, she sought out the Princess and their aunt – and felt her heart stop.

Four women stood together, all smiling and waiting expectantly.  Sarah Jane, in an elegant plum color, stood next to her niece, the Princess in emerald.  On the other end was Mel, looking no different than when Rose had last seen her, in a lovely shade of mint that went perfectly with her hair.

But the fourth member, the one whose presence brought tears to Rose’s eyes, was none other than Jackie Tyler.

Mum?

Rose blinked rapidly, trying to clear away her tears, but her mother remained there, dressed in a delicate shade of pink and beaming more than the rest of them.  She caught Rose’s eye and nodded, waving her hand in the universal come on! gesture, and Rose sniffled, fighting back a laugh.

Lowering her gaze back to the King, her doubts and fears melted away.

“Yes,” she whispered, and his face lit like the sun.  “Yes,” she repeated, stronger this time, a smile growing across her face as she let out a happy giggle.  “Yes, I’ll marry you!”

“Oh thank God,” he whispered, surging up and wrapping his arms around her in a hug, cradling her tightly to him.  “You were starting to scare me.”

“Sorry,” Rose replied in kind, tightening her own grip on him.  “I was scaring myself for a second.”

They swayed in place, giggling together, for a long moment before-

“Give her the ring already!” the Princess shouted, and they broke apart, laughing.

“Right, the ring,” the King took only a small step back but it still felt like too far, Rose following him like a magnet and making him smile.  “Hand, please.”

Rose presented it, pleased that despite the nerves and anticipation swirling through her, it stayed steady as he gently slid the ring on over her knuckles to settle at the base.

“Perfect fit,” he murmured, raising it to his mouth and pressing a tender kiss to her knuckles, making her giggle once again from happiness.

“Yes, we are.”

Resting her hand against his chest the King held her gaze, wrapping his other arm around her waist and drawing her close.  “May I kiss you?”

“Only if you promise to never stop,” she murmured, meeting him halfway.

It was a bit awkward, knowing their first proper kiss was happening in front of over a hundred people and their families to boot, but Rose was too damn happy to care.  Little more than a gentle press of lips, she still ranked it as one of the best of her life, given they were too busy laughing to do it properly.

The King spun away from her then, keeping hold of her hand and showing her to their audience.  “May I present your future Queen,” he announced, as if any doubts might exist, but the room burst into applause and cheers nevertheless.

Rose thought the smile might permanently freeze on her face, and was perfectly happy with the thought.

“May I have this dance?”

“Of course.”

He gestured for the band to start playing, and they started to waltz, though he held her quite a bit closer than was technically proper for the style.

“I’m so happy,” he whispered, raining kisses to the side of her head closest to his lips, apparently unable to stop kissing her now that he was allowed to.

“Me too.”

They stopped in the middle of the floor, heedless of the other dancers swirling around them, and kissed again.

Just because they could.

-

Eventually the heavy weight of their loved ones’ gaze forced them off the dancefloor, the King should I still call him ‘the King’?  That sounds silly, doesn’t it?  Ian?  Ugh, that feels weird leading her to the table where their families were sitting, Sarah Jane and the Princess and her family next to Jackie and Mel.

“Hi, sweetheart!” her mother enthused, reaching for her, and Rose reluctantly stepped out of the King’s arms and right into her mother’s, as they held each other tight.

“Hi!  What on Earth are you doing here?!”

Jackie jerked her head in Sarah Jane and the Princess’s direction.  “They invited me!  Mel’s idea of course.”

Rose’s spine stiffened, and she shifted to glare at her assistant.  “You knew my Mum was here and let me leave?!”

“I didn’t know she was already here!” Mel protested.  “I had suggested that since Saturday was your birthday that it might be nice to bring her out, but I thought she was coming Friday morning!”

Which meant that the Princess had decided to bring Jackie in early, and Rose turned a narrowed gaze on the woman.  “When exactly did this-” she gestured to herself and the King, “become the plan?”

The Princess and her aunt exchanged looks, pretending to think.  “Um… around… the third?” the redhead said sweetly, and Rose’s jaw dropped.

“That was our second day here!”

The two women shrugged in unison, fighting smiles.  “When we saw how quickly, how easily you got under his skin, we opened ourselves to the possibility,” Sarah Jane said innocently.  “We knew for sure though at the fundraiser – that it was mutual, I mean. You couldn’t take your eyes off each other.”

Rose huffed, crossing her arms and feeling played.  “And you, missy, when exactly did you run me through the software as a potential match?”

Mel burst into laughter.  “Soon as I had numbers to run.  I just thought it’d be funny, didn’t realize you’d be so compatible.”

The King sighed beside her, wrapping an arm around Rose’s waist and pulling her into his side, where she went willingly, uncrossing her arms in favor of holding him.  “So you just let us spend the last two weeks miserable instead of just telling us?”

“Telling you what?” his sister retorted.  “You knew how you felt perfectly well, you were just too much of a coward to do anything about it.  Then you refused to just ask her.  Don’t blame this on us!”

“Ask me?  Ask me what?” Rose asked, brow furrowed, before catching sight of her ring.  “I mean, something beyond the obvious?”

The Princess and Sarah Jane both gave him a pointed look, making him groan and ruffle his hair.

“I may have been under the impression you were engaged,” he grumped, staring down at the floor.  “I overheard you on Thursday, talking about planning a wedding.”

She burst into laughter, heart easing.  “No!  I was going to help my oldest friend plan his wedding – though I suppose I can’t now.”  For a moment, she let herself mourn the life in London she would never return to, but only a moment – her future in Gallifrey was far too bright to be sorry for long.  “That’s alright!  I can always Skype in, if I’ve got the time.”

“He was devastated,” Sarah Jane said knowingly, smirking at her nephew.  “Wouldn’t stop sulking.”

Rose smiled up at the King, squeezing his side.  “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head.  “Not your fault,” he muttered, “that’s what I get for eavesdropping and jumping to assumptions.  I just… resigned myself.  I didn’t think I had any right to try to tempt you away from him.”

“I would’ve gone willingly,” she promised, “even if we had still been together.  I was in too deep with you.”

They kissed again, the table in front of them drawing out their awwww.

“Take a walk with me?” he whispered against her lips, and Rose nodded.

“I’d go anywhere with you.”

-

The ballroom hosting the engagement party was at the back of the castle, with doors that could open out onto the patio in nicer weather.  Despite being late April it was still a touch too cool, but they were able to slip out through one of the doors, and suddenly, they were alone.

“Hello,” Rose laughed, as they laced their arms and meandered down the patio until they were past the ballroom.

“Hello.”

Once out of sight of his- of their guests and wasn’t that a thrill, to think they shared something- of course, now they shared an entire future – he tugged her to a stop, bringing her into his arms and nuzzling her nose with his.

“You’re warm,” Rose- his fiancée, and wasn’t that a trip? murmured, nestling closer, and he belatedly realized she was outside on a cold night in a strapless gown.

“Hold on.”  Reluctantly stepping back he eased his jacket off, mindful of the medals and ribbons decorating it as he draped it around her shoulders.  “Better?”

She hummed, burying her nose in the collar, and though he couldn’t see her mouth, knew she was smiling up at him.  “Thanks.”

He tugged her back to him, cupping her chin and gently angling her head up for a kiss, one she gladly surged onto her toes to lean into, daring to let his tongue trace her plump lips, loving the little gasp she gave and darting inside.

But Rose, his love, was hardly a passive participant, and it was almost obscene, how much pleasure he was drawing from a simple meeting of mouths and tongues, how easy it was to lose himself in the taste of her, holding her tighter against him.

Eventually they pulled away, and he was gratified to see her panting as heavily as he was, eyes heavy with desire.

“That was nice,” she whispered, giving him a teasing smile, tongue peeking out between her teeth.

“If you like, we can spend the rest of our lives doing that,” he rasped, brushing a flyaway hair from her face mostly for the excuse to touch her.

Rose hummed, tapping her chin in mock thought.  “Pretty sure I’ve already agreed to that.”

“I may need some convincing that this is real.”  He sampled her lips again, unable to get over how right it all felt.  “Seems legit.”

A shadow fell over her face, mood shifting to a more serious tone, and Ian sighed.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Are you sure?” she asked timidly, toying with a button on his dress shirt.  “Not… not personally, I don’t think, but… me.  As queen.  D’you think I can do this?”

Ian laughed, tugging her closer still.  “Of course.  As does everyone else, or they wouldn’t have worked so hard to stop us from making a terrible mistake.  We’ll teach you what you need to know.  It’ll be fine.  It might be hard sometimes, but we’ll get through.  Together.”

“Together.”  Rose fisted his tie, drawing his mouth down to hers for a long moment.  “I like the sound of that.”

“Me too.”  Her brow was still furrowed though, and he nuzzled her nose again.  “What is it?  You can say anything.  There’s no question too dumb.”

She blinked up from beneath her lashes, looking impossibly young and innocent, and for just a moment he had doubts about dragging her into the chaos of monarchy, but forcefully pushed those feelings aside.

“What do I call you?”

Of all the things he’d been preparing himself for, that wasn’t one.  “What?”

“What do I call you?” she repeated, staring at the knot of his tie.  “The King?  Your Majesty?”

“My name’s Ian,” he said blankly, wrinkling his nose at the thought.  “You would use those when speaking about me, but when addressing me, Ian is fine.  Though, for you, I think I’d be rather happy to answer to ‘Husband’.”

Rose let out a deep breath, shaking her head slightly before meeting his eye with a determined glint, her smile back.  “Okay.  We’ll figure it out.  For tonight, let’s just celebrate!”

“Oh?” he teased, swaying her slightly to the distant strains of the band, unable to get over how beautiful she looked in the moonlight.  “Are we celebrating?”

“Yep!”  She popped the ‘p’, making him smile.  “Cause guess what?  We never have to go on any sort of blind date ever again.”

Ian burst into laughter, shaking his head.

“Now

that

is something worth celebrating!”

---

The End

...

For Now

---

Hello!  Thank you for joining me on this lovely journey.  I started writing it in late March, and it’s hard to believe that this particular story is over.  @stupidsatsuma and I have poured many hours into this story, writing it, editing it, and just plotting!  I’m very grateful to all of you who have read it.

But how can this be then end?! you cry.  There’s so much more to the story!

Well, you’ll be pleased to know that we agree!  While it’s still in the early stages, and a ways away, there will be (at least!) one full-length sequel.  I won’t go into details at the moment, but I have reasonably-firm plans for the next story, and tentative ones for the third.

If you’re interested in seeing those when they’re ready to be shared, I recommend subscribing to the Queen of Hearts series on AO3 - once it’s ready, it will be posted both here and there.

Thank you!

[mauridianhallow]

A L L O F T H E Q U E S T I O N S

Good shit good shit this took me ages holy hell enjoy you meme loving fucks Q's for you to A Do you have a favourite sweater? I actually do, it's that kinda folded over stretchy grey one I always wear, y'know? I wore it to The 1975 and, from what I hear, it was awesome. (Although I can't remember bc I was Gin Drunk) What’s your middle name? Lawrence...no judgement...Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? I don't, I wonder how's she's doing. Heard she was studying History from her friend I met in a bar one time. Glad to hear, she was nice. Do you get on with your grandparents? I did! Sadly it's been a few years since they passed but I very much did. What was your favourite cartoon as a kid? Hmm, it's a tough one, between the 90's X-Men TV show they played on repeat on Fox Kids or Ben 10 when it wasn't absolute shit like the remake. Yeah I'm bitter. What’s your favourite cartoon now? Archer lol Do you read the news paper? Yeah pretty much every day...I swear I'm not an old man. Who was the last text you sent to? My friend Laura, asking if they'll still be at the park when I finish work. What does the last text you sent say? "Y'all still gonna be there when I get away?" If you could have any hair colour what would it be? Idk I like the one I have. Do you like nature documentaries? Not really my cup of tea to be perfectly honest. What is your aesthetic? Climbing a mountain at a 90° angle in Skyrim on a horse. When did you last pet a dog? ''Twas yesterday. Whose friend’s parents do you like the most? The twins'! They employ me! I literally get paid to hang out with friends some days that's the good shit! Have you ever been on a road trip? I've been on a couple, longest was a drive to Southern Spain from Scotland! Was awesome! Tell me about someone you know called Emma? Went to school with her, cool gal, she saw HP in London and I'm jealous, shoutout to @weewildelassAre you reading a book in english class, what is it? Oh god I'm old. I haven't had or attended an English class in over 2 years. Do you have a favourite Aunt? Well considering she also employs me...hell yeah, shoutout to my Aunt K you legend! Baths or showers? Baths for comfort and treating yo self, or sharing...😏...Showers for quickness and weird snapchats at 3am...😂 Skiing or sun bathing? Sun bathing my dude. Do you kill spiders? Sometimes, sometimes not. Have you ever made an ice pop? I have not. Are you wearing shoes right now? I'm not wearing anything rn. Tell me about you favourite primary school/elementary school teacher? Let me tell you about Mrs. Mary "The Bonecrusher" Highland, and how she was such an iconic, legendary, influential and inspiring woman that she was the person you sent into the bad fucked up schools in movies and have them all pass with straight A's, she ran a tough ship and was slow to praise but when she did, she went all out, and made you feel like what you had achieved was truly a feat. Oh and she encouraged children to learn and think for themselves, genuinely encouraged you when you said you were interested in something even when it went above and beyond the curriculum. She was charitable, friendly, and spoke to you like you were an equal, and a worthy one at that. Mrs. Highland was literally so influential in so many people in my class being successful, free minded, hard working adults that she deserves a goddamn award. And let me tell you another thing, at the end of my First Year in College, I went back to my old Primary School for a teaching assistant internship because I knew the school was becoming a bit run-down and out of control and I wanted to help the way that Mrs. Highland had, and who had they just asked to come out of retirement, come back for TWO WEEKS, sort shit out and then walk away into the sunset like some goddamn Old Lady Teaching Avenger who appears when needs were greatest? MARY FUCKING HIGHLAND, I GOT TO HELP ONE OF MY CHILDHOOD HEROES BE AN ABSOLUTE TEACHING LEGEND AND REALLY INFLUENCE SOME GOOD IN A KIDS LIFE, THAT IS THE SHIT! Seriously though, she truly is one of the good ones, they don't make em like Her anymore. Who was the last person you hugged? I think that would be my mother actually hahah. Do you wear glasses? Occasionally. Do you have a cat? I sadly do not. Do you have a favourite pair of underwear? Not a favourite pair exactly more like a favourite kind?? Next All-Black, that's the good shit, makes my ass look great among other things. What was your last tweet? "How the fuck do you work twitter" about 5 years ago and I haven't used it since. Do you still use Facebook? I do, rarely. Do you like birds? Aye pal birds, blokes, the lot. Who was the last person you called cute? That genuinely would be my niece, or you lol Who was the last person that called you cute? This is a strange answer but a regular in my work. Long story. How did you meet your best friend? I literally turned a corner and ran into a group of emo's in like Fourth Year at High School and I haven't looked back since. Escalators or elevators? Nah m8, trick question, I'd rather take the stairs. Does wonders for the thighs. Are you named after anyone, who? Ahaha yeah my dad, both my granddads, and Saint. Christoper (Catholic mum yo) What was your first url? I have no idea. Autumn or Winter? Winter I can't lie. Do you win at scrabble? I do not lol Put your ipod on shuffle , who is the first song that comes up by? "American Idiot", Green Day. Classic. Have you ever drunk from a mason jar? I have not. Can you draw? Barely even write m8 let alone draw. What was your first profile picture? I think it was Kenny from South Park. Favourite t-shirt? God I have no idea. Best tumblr friend? Shoutout to @bepizzazzed and @double-dorks-beanie and @hesitant-butthole When did you last run? Tonight when as a joke my friends took my jacket and tried to get it on top of a climbing frame? lol I had it back in seconds and decided to get some payback ahah Do you like to paint your nails? Not particularly fussed, not a look I could pull off. Did you ever do something as a kid that got you into loads of trouble? I did more things to get me into trouble as a kid that anyone should ever do. And I still did it. Who is your favourite dog that isn’t yours? Trick question, all of them. Have you ever been drunk? Literally so many times. So many. Have you ever done something you regret while drunk? Some-thing? Some-one? Getting into a slutty dance off with a professional dancer? Stealing a mannequin? The exact words "I can easily make this jump..."? The exact words "Watch this lads"? The exact words "Shots won't do me any harm"? The exact words "Another Venom? Aye no bother!" The exact words "You can crash at mine if you like...?" You get the picture...I do messed up shit I'm drunk, and yet, I continue to do so. Do you want to kiss anyone right now? Ronald McDonald ngl for the sweet sweet invention of double cheeseburgers. Do/did you like you math teacher? I had a crush on both of my maths teachers, Mr. Kelly and Mrs. Hendry, both of which contributed to me turning up to class, but also contributed to me failing said classes bc I was too busy looking at them and being a hormone ridden, horny 16 year old boy, than I was doing maths. Do you often ride the bus? I do, everyday I'm in College. Do you have a fireplace in your house? We do actually it's getting renovated right now. Are you violent when you’re angry? God no! Do you cry when you’re angry? No, I rarely get angry and when I do it can only be described as dry anger. Favourite Harry Potter book? It has to be OotP, fight me. Can you remember your last dream? I can, and let me just say, Chris Pratt, thank you. Do you go to bed early or late? "Do I go to bed?" would be a better question. Do you speak a second language? I speak various levels of different languages. Some if you dropped me in their respective countries I could find my way about, albeit difficultly, and others I can ask for the bar and the bill and that's about it. Who was your first ever best friend? A boy called Dean. Have you ever had an operation? I've had a couple yeah. Tell me about your favourite cousin? His name is Reece and he's a meme loving shit and I love him the whacky bastard. Do you have a piece of clothing that doesn’t even fit you anymore but you can’t bare to throw away? During what can only be described as the Greatest Summer of My Teenage Years; the Legendary Summer of 2014, I wore on my feet almost EVERY DAY a pair of Classic Chuck's, they cost my poor wee mum like £60 the Christmas before but they were too big and when it finally hit summer they fit perfectly. I wore them every time. If you've ever read the book Me Before You or watched the film you'll know what I mean when I say they were my bumblebee tights. Have you ever been in a musical? I played the Cowardly Lion in my school play as a kid. Do you have a porch? I do not. How many times have you watched your favourite movie? At least 100 no joke it has to be. Empire Strikes Back. What do you order at McDonalds? Plain double cheese , small fries, Oasis Summer Fruits and maybe a coffee. Do you get on with old people? Worryingly well. Science Fiction or Romance? Sci-Fi m8. Do you take naps? Anytime I can. How many classes do you/did you take in High School? In my final year I took 3 classes. At its height I think I was doing 9 classes. When did it last snow where you live? A few months back. Does it ever snow where you live? It's Scotland...hahah it very much does. How many months until your birthday? 12 m8. How much charge does your computer have right now? 42%What is your favourite Disney Channel Original Movie? I don't actually think I had one. Sorry. the City or the Sea Side? Jokes on you fool, you can have both. What is your least favourite colour? Beige. Who tf likes being beige. Do you have homework to do? Nah. Are you still friends with your first best friend? I am not. Do you have/are you the gay cousin? I have an asexual cousin, bug more often than not I'm the gay cousin. Do you own dungarees? They can look cute on peeps. Do you like to play sport? I do, not to the extent I used to but yeah. What was your favourite ever Christmas present? My baby nephew. How old are you? Ugh I'm 20. Do you ever use Internet Explorer? Not for s long time. Have you ever had blonde hair? I haven't no. I wanted to but sadly I was a kid. When did you last see the person you have a crush on? Well considering I fall deeply in love with strangers who are nice to me on the train, that question is crazy. Who did you last talk to on the phone? Laura. Pants or Dresses? This question is a lot funnier in the UK and even funnier in Scotland where a man can wear one, but to do so, he's not supposed to wear the other 😉 Do you read fan fiction? Not anymore y'know. What is you’re favourite blog? @mauridianhallow is a pretty cool blog you should check that shit out Do you write poetry? I HAVE written poetry before. Drama or Comedy? How dare you insult The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt by suggesting you can't be both. Have you ever had a hickey? Perhaps...perhaps I have. Perhaps I cannot remember how I got some of them. Perhaps I should stop buying the ENTIRE bar a round of shots knowing all too well that almost every one of these people will offer to buy me drinks all night and then I won't pay shit for another drink until the night is over. Perhaps I should...I won't but I fucking should. And perhaps this has on certain occasions resulted in hickeys I don't know.

[pink-paladin-shiro]

I’ve been tagged by @jaytimbers, cheers mate!!!

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag. (I probably won’t tag 25 though)

LAST…

[1] Drink: Coffee, milk, with a shit load of sugar.  [2] Phone Call: My mother, dearest. To tell her to bring chocolate home, haha. [3] Text Message: I text my friend to see how she got on at a job interview. [4] Song you listened to: ‘Uma Thurman’ by Fall Out Boy [5] Time you cried: January, when I was bogged down with college deadlines. Urghhhh

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] Dated someone twice: Yeah, 0/10 - would not recommend. Dislike. Unsubscribe.  [7] Been cheated on: Yeahhhh [8] Kissed someone and regretted it: Naahhh [9] Lost someone special: Yup  [10] Been depressed: You bet’cha fine arse I have been. [11] Gotten drunk and thrown up: HA! Once. On New Years Eve 2015, which also so happened to be my 21st birthday party. I puked in a cat litter tray, because I’m a classy bird. ;) I don’t recommend that either.....

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] Purple [13] Blue [14] Green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] Made new friends: Yeah, both online and in ‘real life’ - they’re all awesome. [16] Fallen out of love: Ooooh yes, I could write a book. Haha [17] Laughed until you cried: Recently I actually find myself crying with laughter more than sadness, which is really cool. Until my asthma kicks in, then I can’t breathe, and that’s not so good.  [18] Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah, but you can’t really get away from that in life. So who cares? People are always gonna talk behind your back, so might as well forget about it. [19] Met someone who changed you: I’ve changed a lot in the past year, but I don’t think that’s due to one person. A group pf people have made me more confident though.  [20] Found out who your true friends are: “DON'T YOU KNOW - TRUE FRIENDS STAB YOU IN THE FRONT!” ... I already know who my true friends are. Lmao [21] Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nope, my romantic life has been as dry as the Sahara desert. [22] how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of them? I don’t know. [23] Do you have any pets: Two Staffordshire Bull Terriers called Marley and Cookie, who are so beautifully loyal and snuggly. And 5 fish called Jack, Florence, Ghost, Blackwall and Stinky (that last one was names by my nephews and niece. lol) [24] Do you want to change your name: No, I quite like my name. Katherine Alice Locke sounds quite posh. Haha [25] What did you do for your last birthday: Went to the Harry Potter studios in London. It was sooo goooooddd.  [26] What time did you wake up: Who says I’m awake now? Lol, jokes - I haven’t slept in 48 hours. :)))))) [27] What were you doing at midnight last night: Reading comics. [28] Name something you cannot wait for: FUCKING MASS EFFECT ANDROMEDA! IT’S BEEN DISPATCHED GUYS, SO IT’LL BE HERE ON THE MORROW!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING TOO LONG FOR THIS SHIT! [29] When was the last time you saw your mother: She is literally sat right besides me. Haha, wait she’s talking to me. She has been talking to me for the last couple of minutes. Shit, I hadn’t noticed. Now she’s frowning at me. I should stop typing. She’s gonna whoop my arse. [30] What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I would have liked to have taken gymnastic or dance lessons when I was a kid. Or not have given up trampolining, it was the only sport that I was any good at.  [31] What are you listening to right now: The sound of silence, not the song. My mother is literally giving me the silent treatment now. Haha oops.  [32] Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Lol, what the fuck? this is such a random question. Yes, one of my childhood friends was called Tom. We don’t speak anymore. Fun story.  [33] Something that is getting on your nerves: People that go out of their was to hate EVERYTHING. [34] Most visited website: Tumblr [35] Elementary: (Dammit, I want to make a Sherlock joke but someone’s already beat me to the punchline. ;)) [37] College: IS DESTROYING MY SOUL, DEATH TAKE ME NOW.   [38] Hair colour: Multi-coloured [39] Long or short hair: Short to medium, it grows like wildfire.  [40] Do you have a crush on someone: Maybe, I don’t know? Is that an acceptable answer? My dog just ate an apple core. Wtf? [41] What do you like about yourself? I can sometimes make people laugh. [42] Piercings: Two in each ear. [43] Blood type: Pretty sure it’s just pure coffee now. [44] Nickname: People just call me whatever the fuck they feel like and I answer to it.  [45] Relationship status: Single [46] Zodiac sign: Capricorn [47] Pronouns: She/her [48] Favourite TV show: I don’t even know, I’ve watched so much T.V. Supernatural is what I’ve watched the most of, alongside the X-Files. [49] Tattoos: A rose on my left arm [50] Right or left handed: Right-handed mostly, but I become left handed occasionally - like when I’m using a knife and fork.

FIRST… [51] Surgery: None so far, touch wood.  [52] Piercing: Ears [53] Best friend: Peggy, she’s still me best friend now. We’ve known each other since first school. 

[54] Sport: Trampolining  [55] Vacation: Somewhere in Spain, I can’t remember.  [56] Pair of trainers: I don’t know? The first ones that I personally bought were a pair of orange and black ones, which where the shit! They were so cool. 

RIGHT NOW… [57] Eating: Air [58] Drinking: Coffee  [59] I’m about to: Scroll down Tumblr for another 5,000 hours because I have no life.  [60] Listening to: Wasn’t this question already asked? I’ve put music on now, blasting ‘Back in Black’ by AC/DC. [61] Waiting for: MASS EFFECT, or death. Whichever comes first. I’m so tired.  [62] Want: A cuddle, that would be nice. [63] Get married: Eventually it might happen, gotta find someone to put up with me first though. Haha. Though it’s not high on my priorities.   [64] Career: I don’t even know anymore. 

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] Hugs or kisses: 

[66] Lips or eyes: Eyes [67] Shorter or taller: I’m indifferent [68] Older or younger: Again, I’m indifferent. [70] Nice arms or nice stomach: Suns out, guns out... Or suns out tums out, I don’t miiiindddddd.  [71] Sensitive or loud: Sensitive, probably. [72] Hook up or relationship: Relationship [73] Troublemaker or hesitant: I don’t care as long as they make me laugh and we get on well.

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] Kissed a stranger? No [75] Drank hard liquor? Yeah [76] Lost glasses/contact lenses? I swear about 60% of my life is spent looking for my glasses. Even though I only have to wear them when I’m on the computer for a long length of time.  [77] Turned someone down: Yep [78] Sex on first date? Nope [79] Broken someone’s heart? Yeah, I felt terrible afterwards.  [80] Had your own heart broken? Yep [81] Been arrested? Nahh [82] Cried when someone died? I think most people do? [83] Fallen for a friend: Yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] Yourself? As much as I believe in the tooth fairy.  [85] Miracles? I remain hopeful.  [86] Love at first sight? Probably not, I’ve never experienced it, so I can’t really say.I think that it’s a nice idea though.  [87] Santa Claus? Haha, no  [88] Kiss on the first date? Depends on how good the date was, haha. [89] Angels? I do, actually.

OTHER… [90] Current best friend’s name: Peggy  [91] Eye colour: Brown, they look orange in some lights.   [92] Favourite movie: That changes, I’m really loving Moana right now tbh.

I tag: @giganticfrenchtoast @dickie-gayson @blueflamebird @ibats @all-my-fandom-babies - don’t feel like y’all have to do this though.

[emmaeatsandexplores]

Hey guys, welcome to another edition of Friday Favourites and all the things I’m loving this week.  It feels like a long time since my wonderful holiday through France and Spain but I’m off again next week to Portugal so I have that to look forward to.  So here’s a catch up on what been going on in my life this week…

The UK Paleo Awards

You guys I’m so excited!  I’ve been nominated for UK Paleo Blogger of the year by the UK Paleo Awards.  I put a lot of time, love and energy into Emma Eats & Explores and it feels absolutely amazing to get some recognition for that!  There are seven blogs shortlisted and I can’t believe I’m one of them!The voting opens today I��d love it if you could click on the picture above or go to https://ukpaleoawards.co.uk/vote-now/ and vote for me.  It would really mean so much to me to have your support and it only takes a few seconds.  It’s the 5th category down and I’m the 5th name!  The title will be awarded through a mix of a judging panel points and public votes so every single vote really does count.  Voting closes on 30th September 2017 so please tell all your friends and family to vote too!  Thank you so much in advance!

Margot my Niece is turning 1

Doesn’t time fly.  I can’t believe it was a year ago that this little bundle of gorgeousness arrived.

Proud Auntie

And now look at her!  She started walking this week.  My brother Sam and his partner Mary have done such an amazing job bringing up this sweet, loving little girl and I’m in awe of them everyday!

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I’m so looking forward to her birthday BBQ on Sunday where we’ll get to celebrate with the whole family.  I can’t wait to see her open her presents!  Margot time is always so special, she just makes everyone smile and makes everyone’s day better!  I cant wait til she’s old enough to want books read to her and we can watch movies together and do girlie things!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGOT!! WE LOVE YOU XX

  Portugal

Anyone that knows me knows that this is my ultimate Happy Place!  I’ve been going to Portugal for as long as I can remember, over 30 years and it is such a special place to me.  It’s the one place in the world where I feel that I truly relax.  I love everything about it.  The weather, the beaches, the restaurants and just the whole feel of the place is one that makes me feel centered and really blessed.

I love the chance to spend time with my family too – real quality time, there’s nothing like it.  10 years ago my cousin Charlotte met her fiancé out there and moved to be with him.  They had two gorgeous boys, Ethan and Louie and spending time with them is my favourite thing to do.  Ethan is my godson and I love playing cards and board games with him, going to the beach and swimming in the pool.

It really does feel like coming home when I go out there – can you tell I’m just a bit excited?

Smoothie Bowls

The weather in London has been scorching this week and when I get back from work I really don’t feel like cooking in the kitchen.  I’ve been doing a ‘breakfast for dinner’ thing a lot recently and making myself a smoothie bowl in the evenings.  I make it with frozen fruit so it has the added benefit of being nice and cool to eat too.  It’s the perfect way to get a huge dose of vitamins in one go.  I tend to hide veggies in there too as you can’t even taste them.  I use whatever fruit I have in the house, paired with a frozen banana, half a frozen avocado, some spinach and some almond milk.  Blend it altogether and then top with nuts, seeds and cacao for a bit of protein, healthy fats and crunch!  Perfect when you don’t want to turn the oven on and heat the house up!

And they look beautiful too!  I vary the fruits I use to maximise the vitamins and usually add a tbsp of superfood powder such as Acai or Matcha.  A super healthy dinner (or breakfast)!

That’s it, a quick glimpse into my life this week – check back next week to see what I’ve been up to.  I’d love to hear what you’ve been loving this week.  Leave me a note in the comments and I hope you all have a fantastic week!

Friday Favourites #3 – UK Paleo Awards Hey guys, welcome to another edition of Friday Favourites and all the things I'm loving this week.