#( it is complicated but. thats the gist of it )

[starrysharks]

carnival kids

[unboundpower]

I'm watching "Why It Sucks to Be Born as a SAIYAN" by SUPER RAMY on youtube, and while there's a lot of information that's *imo* inaccurate and headcanons I don't agree with....man. Has it gotten my Gine muse surging. (Not for RP specifically, just in general.)

Because, how the Saiyan character who's the focus in the video is portrayed is basically a summary for most of the headcanons I have for Gine (a lot of them I haven't talked about publicly yet). Namely, how living the life of a low class Saiyan was so fucking miserable and she knew them all being used as tools for Frieza AND (to a lesser degree) the elites wasn't right, but there was nothing that she could do about it. Because 'too weak'.

Even still, Gine knew that the propaganda low class warriors were brainwashed by was total bullshit. Her people could've been so much more than what they were: divided by the caste system and overall made to suffer because of the Cold family's racism. Her psychology regarding her own life and Raditz's birth is especially juicy (and deserves its own post; otherwise this will be 20x longer).

As much as I appreciate the general things she brought to the table as being Goku's mother, Gine SUCKS in canon. She's Nothingburger The Character™ there, but the version of her in my head?? Peak, if I do say so myself.

(I do legit think that, if Planet Vegeta never got destroyed and she got the Right Kick, MY Gine would've eventually become a full on rebel going against the status quo & advocating for change - even if she was killed for it. Basically what Bardock tried to do, difference being his intentions were born more from revenge & desperation than an active desire for change.)

[lonniemachin]

Detective Comics (2016) #976

'here's to a bold new adventure.'

[megamindsupremacy]

@stardoodledust35

It’s not a dumb question! Mostly, it’s just part of my general “don’t give out personal information” rule of the internet. This post centers on introductions specifically, and I truly can’t think of a good reason to just post your birthday first thing upon joining a discord server? Again you can totally use your best judgment based on the vibes of the server when your birthday actually comes around, to decide if you’re comfortable going “it’s my birthday!!” or not. 

ive joined a couple of new gravity falls servers that are something like 95% minors each and I'm coming to the frankly terrifying realization that these kiddos do not know internet safety like at all

[absolutelynotsanebaby]

Hey in you villian au I had a few questions about Kai if you don't mind.

First you talked about kai and him being a cult leader, whats the gist of that, something similar to chen? A death cult, a fire worshiping soceity, a volcano conclave?

And secondly, whats his relationship with his sister, ambivilance, getting along in the 'Oh lets go on a pilaging and raid together thats sounds like top tier sibling fun' sort of way or a bipolar could be fun or could be fatal depending on the way the wind blows kinda way?

Finaly (and sorry for being long winded) you talked about his main thread / power came from societal manipulations, is this more cloak and dagers or populism / manipulation, the steel in the dark vs the gilded spider web so to speak?

PS fun au, realy cool designs my favourts are probaly kai pixal and jay, all just fab :)

Disclaimer: long ass ramble about my Villain AU.

so many questions today, not that I'm complaining! I love to talk about my aus. Kai's an interesting one too.

Kai's cult doesn't actually have a big base or anything, at least not in it's fully developed form. It's not ironed out but, I have the thought that the basis is that by joining the cult, you protect yourself from the end of the world snake of fire (definitely not it's actual name lol). By joining, you get into it's good graces, it won't eat you when it returns to Ninjago. By worshiping Kai, who presents himself kind of like a human-form of the snake, you fully ensure your safety. It's a complete lie of course but by the time the AU officially starts, it been over 200 years since canon, so it's had a long time to marinate. That's another thing, because of that time span the cult is huge. Functions more like a society than a small-time cult. Whole generations of families have been born into the cult, it's really soaked into the population. One thing I like to think about how you could walk into a random, harmless looking town and be completely unaware it's cult territory. That everyone in it is a member. I like to call them snake-dens (also what they're called in story).

(also note: since you mentioned Chen, Kai's cult does actually have similar snake imagery if that isn't clear lol.)

As for Nya, well, that's kind of complicated. See, Nya isn't a villain in the same way Kai is. Most of the art I've posted about her have been of her post-reformation design. Essentially within the two centuries since sea-bound, she'd developed into a sea monster. More akin to a destructive force of nature than a traditional villain like Kai. A lot of her destructive stemmed from anger, people abusing and polluting the ocean. Namely, Zane's kingdom would throw a lot of oil, trash, and broken/old tech into the ocean before an event where Sea-Nya had thrown it all back over the walls of the kingdom down onto it through a huge wave (hugely destructive, had a death count, just plain disgusting). Sorry for the ramble about her but I thought some context would be important lol.

So, Kai and Nya didn't actually talk like at all during those two centuries. Pre-seabound but post ToE their relationship was -- very bad. Nya was very, very angry at Kai for leaving them behind and becoming so awful. They never resolved that before Seabound. Kai felt guilt about that, what happened to her and that he never went to fight for hr or save her. But he never changed, so how bad he really felt is -- up to interpretation. it's a big part of why he and Jay fight/fought so much. After Nya had returned to (mostly) human, their relationship is interesting. Nya kind of hates him but it's -- muted. She can't stand the person he's become, how he threw everything away and never changed. That he had a real choice when she didn't and he used it to be -- a violent, cruel cult leader. When he comes around, she doesn't tell him to go away. She thinks he's pathetic. Kai wants his sister back, but he's not willing to change. They're complicated.

I'm going to say it's a 'gilded web' type thing but it also is very shady. He has a lot of connections and is just a plain focal point within the underground crime scene (or overground because this ninjago is really fucked up and dangerous lol, the entire land. ninjago city itself is completely gone). For instance, in Zane's kingdom, up in the ranks an advisors runs a smuggling operation for citizens to 'escape' (before Zane was de-overlorded anyways, after that he opens up the borders). Only about 50% of the time would those citizens actually get out of the city, the other 50% of the time they'd be sold to someone/somewhere or killed. Kai's allies with them (I haven't figured out exactly who that is yet lol). Another ally is Wen Xia (oc talk sorry) who's just a general power. Usually runs a fighting ring(s) but does a bunch of other stuff. Very dangerous and very rich. Kai just has a lot of connections and a strangle-hold on a lot of ninjago. MAN this got LONG. thank you for the questions I love the chance to info dump, haha!

(and TY!! Jay's one of my favorite designs too)

[topconfessions]

I am so done with all the comments and new profiles "top's wifey" deluululand. I had to go on a trip down memory lane and search for old interviews and things I remember him saying about himself that I actually believed it to be true.

최승현 Choi Seunghyun

"Even when fans evaluate me sometimes, it makes me think ‘they really don’t know about me’. Herald Times Interview 2010

"Both of us are independent and we do leave a certain amount of distance between us, that is my ideal type of relationship." Choi Seunghyun, With Magazine 2010

"I think it’s because my mind is complicated. When other kids were playing in the playground, I spent most of my time at home by myself." Vogue Korea 2010

"The solitude and loneliness became some kind of energy within me that just piled up, it comes out in the times that I need it." Vogue Korea 2010

"Actor Choi Seung Hyun and Rapper TOP. Are they different? Choi Seung Hyun: They’re both TOP. I don’t think there is a real Choi Seung Hyun LH: You’re strict about that. Who is closer to the real Choi Seung Hyun?

Choi Seung Hyun: That doesn’t make sense either. There can’t be someone as Seung Hyun. I never have a place where I can show the plain Choi Seung Hyun. I have things I want to hide and I have things I have to hide." L'Officiel Hommes Magazine 2013

"I might look like a mischievous boy or an arrogant rapper but I am actually dark inside". L'Officiel Hommes Magazine 2013

I can’t even look at people I’m close to in their eyes. I try, but I can’t. You know, the feeling that your thoughts will be revealed if you look at the other person’s eyes. Ah, I think too much. [laughs] 10asia Interview 2013.

"I live in a mind of a fairy tale. I’m not realistic, and have lots of delusions. I’m the type to get deep into my own thoughts. I am assuming that I was born to be like this [laughs]. You know, like destiny. I was born with the fate to agonize." 10asia Interview 2013.

"I am influenced and inspired by things that don’t speak. By beautiful and pretty objects rather than people" Esquire Magazine May 2015

"When I'm cheerful, I'll be very cheerful. When I'm reserved, I'll be very shy. It's from one point to the other end, there is no inbetween." Men’s Uno Malaysia 2016

"When I was younger, my mind was always inexplicably dark and melancholic because I couldn’t stand myself." TTTOP x Sothebys 2016

"The most difficult thing is myself. I don’t understand what type of person I am. I don’t know what I want or what I’m thinking." Cosmo China 2016

"Making people laugh is a defense mechanism to cast away the tangled thoughts in my head." Men’s Folio May 2016

This sums up my attitude towards all of my poor impulsively spending and financial decisions 🤣🤣🤣🤣 baby I'm delusional too.

But yeah. This is what I was trying to explain to anons who keep saying other stars did worse than him but dont get hated. Like he didn't have a solid sense of self and he wasnt happy with himself as a person so he didn't have proper growth to establish an identy above T.O.P in bigbang. But thats the most Aquarius and sag shit ever. 🤣🤣🤣🤣😢😂😂😂 the distance in dating. Lord. I used to day dream scenarios of marrying him when I was younger lol. He would've been like "I'll give my vows from across the room on the big screen, thanks" 🫠😩😅

But you picked some great ones. THANK YOU SO MUCH cause honestly? I was not about to dig back to find all those old interviews and sites. He said a lot of other stuff too but this is the gist. He said more bizarre things about dating too. His most normal was the castle(?) Or like it was very dark with a purpleish lighting and he was answering fan questions?

But thanks again. This answers the other anon question on where she (or he) can go to learn more about top.

[prettyboykatsuki]

Out of curiosity is there like a “lore” reason in that fanfic AU as to why Maki and Yuuta are into you and why Maki is so mean to you?

yes though i've never actually expanded on that specific incestverse since its not a very fun reason and also i think it would get a lot darker than people are willing to be here lol

but the gist of it is that maki resents you in the way mothers usually do when they do not want children and is not helped by the way yuuta deeply adores you as soon as you are born. there is a kind of dichotomy there that makes you 1. feel complicated about yuuta since he's usually the only one on your side 2. feel desperate to please your mom because your approval is literally all you've ever wanted and 3. feel helpless in wanting to seek their attention.

i will not write about why is escalates because again this app is not very fond of stuff that is So Dark. but i think the sexual aspect escalates from maki giving you physical punishment well past the age is appropriate for you and you getting aroused from it and/or trying to appease her that way at a very desperate attempt to gain approval

you've had a very lonesome childhood because maki has cut off her family too and you're kind of always at risk of being taken advantage of.

i think maki (with age) feels a very complicated mix of regret and frustration towards you that puts you in Situations especially after things have gotten inappropriate.

yuuta in this au has a weak sense of morals + a strong sense of loyalty to his family (being you and maki). he probably finds about it much later and does not really care about how right or wrong the situation is. everything is an extension of love to him and his love for you outclasses pretty much all else and thats always been true.

i shant say the other stuff but yeah its just a mess. i dont think yuuta does anything until you ask for it though, and then he'll approach you but he's content to be affectionate and coddle you when maki goes too far.

in this particular au yuuta experienced a very deep sense of grief that really warped his perception of right and wrong after rika passes and when he meets maki - instead of reasoning him out of it, she enables it in her own way just because she's so deeply angry about her home life.

thats all i will say for now but in short yes there is always a reason dkfs

[fishiestickie]

ENOUGH DRAWING PEOPLE'S OCS. /SILLY WHERE ARE *YOUR* OCS I AM WILLING TO DRAW THEM >:D

OH! OH OH OH OKAY OKAY HERES SOME OF MY OCS

FLATLAND OCS YAYYY!:

so the first one is Marley, or M. Cube if you wanna call her that. The second one is Lyn, or L. Line.

I have yet to talk about these guys all that much, but the whole gist of their story is that Marley talks to Lyn about the third dimension.

To go more in depth: Their story takes place way in the past, long before the events of canon Flatland. Lyn is just your average line, though people don't really seem to look at her as "average" because she doesn't know how to talk to people, and also she's an absolute bitch. Yeahhh Lyn kind of just... doesn't like anyone in general... She's also a girlkisser btw lol, so's Marley.

But anyway, while Lyn is just living her life minding her business, Marley pretty much shows up out of nowhere to teach Lyn about the the wonderful fantastic world of Spaceland, yayyy. Naturally, Lyn is kind of skeptical and is her usual bitchy-self, but since she's always kind of questioned if everything she was ever told was right, Marley is able to get her to believe that there is in fact a third dimension relatively easily. She never directly shows Lyn the third dimension, though, mostly because she doesn't have the technology to do so (because if she tried to lift Lyn out of Flatland with her bare hands, she would die lol.) But with enough explaining and convincing, Lyn is taught about the third dimension, which is great for her.

So anyway, after that, Marley just leaves immediately which, naturally, Lyn is pretty devastated about (imagine if you were visited by a higher being and told about some awesome other world and then it just leaves.) She tries to keep this knowledge to herself for a few days, because she's already bad enough at conveying any info at all, but after a while she can't take it anymore and finally tries to tell someone. Which eventually leads to her being hunted down and executed, pretty much.

Oh, but thats not the end of the story!

This is 16-cell, A.K.A E. Hexadecachoron or Edgar. A being from the fourth dimension, or as I like to sometimes call it, Angleland.

So anyway, after a while, Marley goes to check on Lyn only to find that she's, y'know, fucking dead. So this is genuinely heartbreaking for Marley, because she had gotten attached to Lyn, then found out she's dead? Yeah. Sad. But before Marley can be all depressed about it, she's visited by 16-cell, the 4D guy. 16-cell tells Marley that he's here to teach her about the fourth dimension, much like Marley had come to teach Lyn about the third. Only this time, he actually shows her the fourth dimension. So after a while, while Marley is in Angleland, 16-cell tells her that he knows about Lyn, and says that Marley could see her again (because the fourth dimension is kind of time, kind of a spacial dimension, its sorta complicated...) to which, obviously, Marley agrees to do. So they travel through time, back to when Lyn was still alive, and 16-cell actually shows her the third—and fourth!—dimension. But anyway, Lyn and Marley reunite, yuri, the end. (For now, until I add more details to their story... thats just what I have right now...)

Sorry, just wanted to rant about them! I love my silly shape gals... Also maybe if you know their story you'll be able to make more silly drawings, so. That's sorta what I was going for.

Hope that all made sense btw.

I HAVE OTHER OCS TOO! but uh... I don't really have their stories fleshed out, nor have i named them, so right now I kind of just have a bunch of spare shape guys lying around. So yeah.

ILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR ART OF MY SILLIES

[chalkodareal]

please lore dump ab ur tmbg au. i care.

LOLLLL funny to me u say... i got two other ppl asking for this exact thing soooo. well. um. non-losers look away now ig... my See The Constellation Au...

okay um. basic gist is that flansburgh is an astronomy student at some college in '92... doesnt really matter which. um. and late one night he ends up making brief contact with a constellation guy that, while he first connected him from sheer tired joking, he starts to like actually see (and hear the next night which is honestly freakier). the constellation is linnell obv though this is technically a little complicated

um. so he forms an insane connection with this constellation p much. initially theyre more curiousities to eachokther than actual FRIENDS but it very quickly becomes a friendship just. well honestly probably just bc flansburgh is bad at being professional....? its okay bro idbe freaking too

okay on the topic of flans seeing and hearing him its time to explain this umm. i dont wanna pull something lame and say "oh hes just imagining the constellation LOL" bc thats not whats happening but the constellation is vry much shaped by his psyche. ultimately the constellation is sort of just a sentient chunk of the stars but flansburghs mind has sort of given him an actual form??? if this makes sense??? to everyone ekse hes invisible p much but he and flans share an astral link of some sort. freakssss.... um. but p much hes very much real he just pulls from flansburghs concious to give more understandable form to himself.

flansburgh mental and social state very much ends up deteriorating over the course of the au sorta... its not that hes like. acting crazy he just stops waking up at normal times and talking to actual people less and less. he kind of yearns to be able to have real communication with the constellation outside of the sky and that. weighs on him. i wont bury the lead ill just say see the constellation is probably a song avout killing yourself.

again on their relationship it very quickly turns into something casual as opposed to any sort of REAL research. flansburgh had a lot of questions about what gives the constellation life and how he moves early on but apon being given the chance to bitch about going to colkege uhhh yeah. hes doing that. the constellation isnt completely clueless on human culture actually hes seen a lot of it but probably just doesnt understand certain finer aspects.

okay other thing to say. linnell is also just a real fucking guy in this au and i havent mentioned it until now bc it can get confusing. PRETTY MUCH. he abd flans were really good friends in highschool but insteah of ever going off and starting a band together they just drifted apart. the constellation looks and sounds a lot like linnell (to the most recent of his memory, likely a few mundanes tapes he was able to snag) but ultimately is not actually linked to him. even flansburgh doesnt really realize the similarity until he ends up finally seeing linnell again for a while on the train. he got a job working for one, and because its an overnight ride on obe of those old fashioned ones just because i think they look cool, they end up chatting a bit. feel the need to say flansburgh is a lot less shaken by this than he really should be... like even the constellation is asking about that guy that bears a strangely apt resemblance to him.

um. short of the au is this timeine ig

1. flansburgh resents his astronomy studies

2. flansburgh meets constellation for first time

3. flans develops constellation friendship

4. flansburgh begins ditching certain more um. applicable stidies just to reasearch and understand this guy

5. as they continue to grow closer and more isolated flansburgh takes a long train ride back home, meeting linnell briefly and promicing to really get back to him this time (the mail address sits unused atop a stack of frantic sketches and half finished papers)

6. this guy starts like actually seriously yearning for the constellation to be a real human guy

7. through an offhanded comment of the constellations, flansburgh is lead to believe after around 11 months of contact with the constellation that there is infact a way to be with him in the sky which no is NOT a good deal but hes a little desperate and honestly living off college student money

8. i lay my head on the railroad tracks

it sounds like tragic yaoi this way but i assure you not only is it not YAOI.its not that tragic okayyyyy

other tidbits i cant fit other places hrm.... flansburgh was like incredibly social before all this. like he wasnt already a little introverted he straight up threw college parties. the constellation has communication with other parts of the sky and is not well liked for only having one fucking guy that gaf about him... um. to the stars constellations are honestly a huge thing because the expression of human expirience and guidance onto them is like a massive gesture of love and its part of why the constellation likes flans so much. becahse of this he ceases to exist in a major way after flansburgh is gone. and last but not least. robin MIGHT b here. im still thinking about it...

( @spyjam24 since u asked too... )

[doloresdisparue]

i just finished chapter 24.... kinda in shock.... i have so many thoughts about charlotte and who she was as a character i should make a post when i can better organize them but the gist of it is something like how (if we are to trust H.H.'s narration) she constantly belittles her daughter and doesn't know how to connect with her and yet when she catches a glimpse of H.H.'s true personality doesn't hesitate to take steps to protect her daughter, like with the way she was shown to be so infatuated with H.H. before combined with the disregard for her daughter's existence it could've easily gone the very sour and horrible way it sometimes does in real life where partners shield and enable abusers but it wouldn't have, not if she had lived and we (and delores) were robbed of a world where charlotte started a new life for the two of them... i have a feeling that i will be thinking about her character for a long time...

I'm SO sad more people don't appreciate Charlottes character. She may not have been a good mother to Dolly most of the time but she was also a single mother in the 40s who lost both her husband and her very young son. A lot of people overlook Dollys brother and while that may not be an excuse to be so cold and harsh with Dolly it does explain it to a degree imo. She was struggling immensely, propbably depressed and as far as we know didn't have any friends. She moved to Ramsdale not that long ago and she might have had to move because the house in Ramsdale was left by Harolds mother for all of them and with his death she might not have been able to afford their living situation in Pisky(sp?) anymore at some point. And thats before the added struggle of Dolly entering puberty at which point theres always fighting even without the pre-existing trauma.

But despite all her struggles and complicated feelings towards Dolly she put her foot down when it counted. She did love Dolly and loved her more than she loved Humbert and the life and social status he could give her if she looked away and let him have his way with Dolly.

And thats only if we trust his framing of Charlottes death being an accident (which is dubious and doesn't even hold up for the entirety of the novel). He also deliberately omits (and draws attention to that omission) what he said to Charlotte before her death so you could make an easy case that she may have stood up to him even more than he lets us know.

She is a complex character and I wish more people saw past the caricature Humbert draws of her for most of the novel.

[just-one-boy-of-progress]

Well thats it then, I'll go back in time and become your mother and carve you a ton of tiny dino toys until you are old enough to make ones better than mine that can walk on their own. I'd be a proud mama to baby vik. Or will I have to fight your actual mama when I see your baby self? 😂

little me would thank you for the dinos. and I didn't have parents really. complications to the air and water quality, you get the gist.

[jishing]

this is the most important video ive ever made i think

shes just like me :'( fr

its been so like.. lovely to introduce my friends (who are all ND too cuz we're friends thats a given) to Ruby Gloom and see them all relate to Len and fall in love with her like haha.. yehas... that's what I wanted... so i made this compilation I MISSED A LOAD OF GOOD CLIPS BUT you get the gist right

:p

[theorionissystem]

Being able to say "I'm not angry for no reason I'm actually just in pain" was not an expected outcome of recovery.

Reiterating bc I wanna elaborate a bit.

Emotional regulation is a problem I've struggled with for as long as I can remember, or perhaps it's one of the only things I can remember from that early on.

Like, a major compounding factor for my traumas is definitely the inability to self regulate emotions nor identify them. Not knowing why you feel the way you feel nor what it is you're feeling really makes it difficult for anyone to help you in a constructive way. It's more complicated than that but thats the gist of it.

Dissociation from pain is also a pretty major thing I experience due to chronic pain shenanigans and nerve issues.

So to not only identify feelings of anger but to also be able to source that emotion to pain I am experiencing is something I've only ever been able to figure out in retrospect before now.

This is, like, absolutely amazing and unexpected progress. It gets better. It may get worse before it gets better, but it gets better.

[liquidstar]

I'm an anime only but i'm curious how is ferris relationship with gender?

im going to answer kinda quickly (and w/o spoilers) bc im abt to have dinner but the basic gist of it is:

crusch and ferris swapped gender presentations as part of a pact, something that goes back to their respective backstories. (might be harder to tell that crusch is intended to lean more masc, but its in like that knightly bishounen kinda way so it can come off more androgynous than anything). ferris takes the deal a lot more seriously than crusch does (partly bc of devotion, partly because of love) and even still "plays the part" when the pact no longer requires it after crusch got her memories eaten (and was acting more girlish). ferris wakes up every morning repeating the mantra of being a "cute girl" as an affirmation- saying that "this has been the mantra for a long time" believing whole-heatedly that there's magic in this sort of believing, and thats why they just somehow havent developed secondary sex characteristics (and they thank their ancestors for the lack of beard hair- i think it must be somekinda undiscovered divine protection of hrt). though they have a bit of a complex about the idea of this girlhood being "borrowed" because of the swap, and sort of have a higher sense of pressure to confirm as strictly to femininity because of this- because its for crusch. but dont necessarily mistake this for ferris disliking the pact itself, the pressure is something more internal. crusch never held herself to the same degree of devotion to it, wearing casual dresses while inside the house and such, while ferris has committed every fiber of their being to it. this has been the mantra for a long time. and there are genuine insecurities to be found within this- at a certain point a villain representing lust accuses ferris of dressing this way to "lead on" men, something that we as the audience know isnt true (ferris still loves crusch), but never the less messes with their head and in a way i think its meant to be a commentary on the general preconceptions audiences have when it comes to characters like ferris- rezero is a deconstruction series after all so stuff like that is to be expected.

all that being said do i think ferris is the most well done amazing rep in the whole universe? not really. i mean im not transfem so im not the authority on this topic, but im echoing stuff ive generally seen discussed- i think ferris is kind of an example of a character that suffers a bit from the creator not reeeaaallly knowing how trans people work or not realizing hes effectively written a trans person because of this. i defaulted to they/them to ferris here because it is kinda complicated and can be taken a few different ways. how much of it is for crusch vs how much is for ferris? how much of an identity does ferris have outside of crusch? outside of being crusch's "girl side" etc. this theme is something we see with ALL the knights! they all have a blinding and often self-destructive devotion to their liege. and a lot of these are heavily reliant on gender roles in a lot of ways (subaru projects his masc powerfantasy onto emilia, julius has to constantly be the Perfect Knight for anastasia, reinhard can only ever be a Hero and stakes his family's redemption on felt becoming king, al lets priscilla just behead him 100 times bc hes a freak.) in the case of crusch and ferris the entire concept is that these roles have been somewhat swapped, but the devotion stayed the same so. theres a lot there. a lot thats a lot more complicated than just like.... "boy dresses like a girl bc its my fetish" eugh

[vans-ghost]

....yes....and, my....my family....was alive....before the flood....

...i missed them...

Quick question, is there any possibility that your void might have something akin to portals leading to different time periods?

ive....tried......i tried a lot....in the beginning.......to go.....you know......before the great flood.........

....i might be able to now....but....i dont have any reason to......im worried about....altering the future......

[tales-of-a-seahorse]

Twelve years ago, I was put under a 72-hour psych hold because I was coming to the realization that I was trans and was sure that it meant my life was over (it's a bit more complicated than that, but thats the gist). I had told the girl I was dating that I thought maybe I was trans and she broke up with me. She told me I was disgusting and no one would love me. I knew how my family felt about trans people. I didn't know anyone else who was trans. I felt alone. I felt like my life was just going to be hopeless and meaningless forever.

Back then, I didn't have any hope for my future. I didn't think I was going to live past 30. I was just surviving, going through the motions. But somehow, time kept moving forward and taking me with it. I grew from a shell of a person into someone I kind of liked. Little by little, bit by bit I turned my life into something I wanted to be living. And one day I woke up and I realized that I was in my 30s. I survived past the life expectancy I put on myself.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and talk to the scared, confused version of myself who was sure I'd never make it here. I want to hug him and tell him that it will be okay. That it is okay to love yourself and that there will be people who love you, even when you think that's impossible. I want to tell him that taking those steps to love myself is what made it possible to have my kid, the greatest joy in my life. Which is something I think he'd honestly be both horrified and fascinated by. And, even though he'd really hate it, I'd remind him that it's true that it's always hardest right before things turn around. You just have to take another step, and another, and another, and then you'll look back only to find that the hard part is years behind you because you didn't give up.