#( au where rick loses everyone )

[negans-lucille-tblr]

Negan Masterlist

Below you’ll find all of my Negan fictions.

Please note any trigger warnings and if a fic is 18+ before reading! 

(back to Main Masterlist)

JDM and Characters Master-Masterpost

CROSSOVERS

Prized Possession

Summary: Negan’s back at Alexandria to collect and this time he wants Rick’s prized possession; you.

Rating: 18+ - NSFW (Smut, Fluff and Angst)

Status: Complete

Chapters: 29

TW: scenes of dub-con and sexual assault

* * *

A - Z with Negan (Smut Edition)

Summary: A short story for each letter of the alphabet exploring many different kinks and fantasies with Negan.

Rating: 18+ - every single part will be smut, some mild, some strong.

Status: Complete

Chapters: 26

TW: Knife play, Rape play

* * *

Loyalties Lie

Summary: Dean, Y/N and Sam are doing all they can to survive in the apocalypse when they stubble across the Saviors. Negan’s striking resemblance to their father, John, has Sam weary and Dean eager to please. But Negan is leading Dean down a dark path despite Y/N and Sam’s attempts to keep him away. As things take a turn for the worst, everyone is left to question where their loyalties lie.

A TWD/SPN crossover set in The Walking Dead Universe (Around season 8)

Rating: 18+ (Smut, Major Angst, Fluff, Dark themes)

Status: Posting on Patreon - coming soon to Tumblr

Chapters: 20

Patience is a Virtue

Summary: Returning to your old high school for college placement, you find yourself being mentored by Coach Negan, the teacher you would relentlessly flirt with as a student, only this time, he’s not letting you get away with it so easily.

Rating: 18+ NSFW (Smut and some Angst)

Parts: 2

Part One    Part Two

* * * 

The Backseat

Summary: Y/N is the spoiled, ‘pampered princess’ daughter of rich businessman, Simon Y/L/N. As soon as she hits 18 she starts to prove she’s quite the handful. Meanwhile, Simon’s recently divorced best friend, Negan, is looking for a job. Simon hires Negan to chauffeur and keep control of Y/N, but it’s not long before she’s making him lose control too.

Rating: 18+ (Smut, Angst, Fluff)

Parts: 5

* * * 

Escape

Summary: Y/N is desperate to escape her hometown and her controlling half-brothers, Sam and Dean, and now she’s 18 college seems like the only way out. But her gym coach, Negan is failing her and his proposition to help her pass takes a bad turn.

A SPN/TWD Crossover mini fic set in an AU

Rating: 18+ (Dark Fic - Smut/Angst/Sistercest)

Bad Blood (AU)

Summary: You thought you’d put the past behind you, until it moves it moves in next door and opens old wounds and reignites old flames.

Rating: 18+ NSFW (Smut)

* * *

A Night with Negan (JDM/Negan)

Summary: When Jeff discovers you are attracted to his character, Negan, he knows what this year’s anniversary gift will be.

Rating: 18+ NSFW (Smut and a pinch of Fluff)

* * *

Chocolate and Wine

Summary: After nursing some of the Saviors back to health, Negan owes you a favour.

Rating: 13+? (This would literally be like a NR if it wasn’t for Negan and his foul mouth) Fluff

* * *

Numb

Summary: When Negan discovers one of his people is hurting themselves, he does everything in his power to make them feel something better.

Rating: 18+ NSFW (swearing, sex and self harm)

WARNING: SELF HARM. The reader doesn’t physically harm themselves in the fic but it is talked about and there is imagery of the self inflicted wounds, and talk about why they self harm. Please don’t read this if it’s triggering for you.

* * *

It’s Good to be Back

(with FP Jones (Riverdale) )

Summary: Former Serpent King, Negan, is back at his old stomping ground. And as you find out, him and current King, FP, make quite the team

Rating: 18+ NSFW (swearing and sex - shameless threesome)

* * *

Initiation

(with John Winchester (SPN) )

Summary:  Negan doesn’t like your attitude and before you can join the Saviors, John needs to prove he can keep you in your place.

Rating: 18+ NSFW (swearing and sex - shameless threesome)

* * * 

Look What You Made Me Do

Summary: Negan’s there to welcome home his step-daughter after her first date, but he doesn’t like what she chose to wear, and decides to show her what the consequences of dressing like a slut might be.

Rating: 18+ (Dark Fic - non con)

Distraction

Summary: Negan’s watching baseball, but you have a distraction.

Rating: 18+ NSFW (Smut & Swearing)

* * *

Better Grades

Summary: To stay on the dance squad, you need better grades. Which is where Coach Negan comes in. (Smut prompt request)

Rating: 18+ NSFW (Smut)

* * *

Leave a Mark

Summary: No plot, just smut. Kinky sex (spanking), affair. (Smut prompt request)

Rating: 18+ NSFW (smut)

* * *

Coffee

Summary: A blind date with Negan goes well, so you invite him back for coffee. But you don’t get that far. (DRABBLES ARE HARD TO SUMMARISE OKAY!?) (Smut prompt request)

Rating: 18+ NSFW (smut)

* * * 

A Bad Dream

Summary: A bad dream sees you in bed with your step dad, Negan - but it’s far from innocent.

Rating: 18+ (Smut)

A/N: 1000 Followers Prompt request

* * *

Daddy Day Care

Summary: It was Negan’s first day of Daddy day care.

Rating: 13+ (Fluff but some swearing)

A/N: 1000 Followers prompt request

* * *

Better Than You

Summary: Negan knew it was wrong, but no one does it Better than you.

Rating: 18+ (Smut)

A/N: 1000 Followers prompt request

* * *

Room 406

Summary: The sins room 406 has seen…

Rating: 18+ (Smut)

A/N: 1000 Followers prompt request

* * *

The New Recruit

Summary: Negan has a new recruit

Rating: 18+ (Smut)

A/N: 1000 Followers prompt request

* * *

Win You Over

Summary: Negan wants you, but you’re not playing game

Rating: 13+ (Swearing because Negan)

* * *

Daddy’s Little Girl

Summary: Daddy takes what he wants when he’s drunk.

Rating: 18+ (Smut)

A/N: Drunk drabble - dub con, incest could be implied.

* * *

The Best I’ll Ever Have

Summary: Negan’s a proud guy who doesn’t like the idea of being outdone and you can’t wait for him to prove you wrong.  

Rating: 18+ (Smut)

* * *

* Negan Bingo Masterlist *

[czigonas]

Alright. Hear me out. SoapGhost Mummy('99) fusion/AU with some WWI backstory (most of which is only implied in the films).

(This is entirely @appleciderp's fault because of both these two posts. Also my appreciation for OG Captain MacTavish's outfits.)

(Now, The Mummy is already not entirely historically accurate but I am also not a historian, so if I mess up some details about WWI, no I didn't. Most of this is just the plot of the movie but with the cod boys replacing a few people or just being added outright.)

Apple, here you go. (Also, this got really long, so it's under a cut.)

Captain John "Soap" MacTavish returns home to Scotland after serving in a unit attached to the EEF in WWI; a shadow of the man who went out to fight. While most of his company survived the brutal conditions of the Middle Eastern theatre where they were stationed, his trusted Lieutenant, Simon "Ghost" Riley, was one of those killed in the Battle of Megiddo just two months before the end of the war. His body was unable to be recovered.

In his attempts to drown his grief, Johnny loses track of most of the rest of his unit. All he has left is his younger sister Evelyn, as both of their parents died even before he was called to fight. To give themselves a new start - and both hope to curb his drinking and support his sister's blossoming career - they move to Egypt after donating a sizable chunk of their parents' estate to the library in the Cairo Museum, where it turns out the library curator is fellow ex-Captain, John Price.

(Going with Captain for Soap here because with the amount of money required to get Evelyn into her position, there's no way he wouldn't have had the money to purchase a commission. Don't worry, unlike Bey, Price won't die.)

Johnny steals reappropriates the map and box from O'Connell and, after Price tries to convince them Hamunaptra isn't real and they shouldn't pursue it, they negotiate to have O'Connell released from prison and get ready to head off down the river. The American company is lead by Dr. Shepherd and his cocky guide, Phillip Graves, who served with O'Connell in the French Foreign Legion during WWI.

When the Medjai attack the boat, Johnny gets briefly cornered by a fighter whose face is fully covered with cloth except for his eyes. While most of the Medjai are dressed similarly, this one's mask is unique and not easily pulled away from his face. The fighter hesitates to attack, however, letting Soap escape (but with a nagging feeling that he was somehow familiar).

Both groups reach the city at the same time and are again attacked by the Medjai. Johnny finds himself subtly shuffled out of danger by the same masked fighter that he encountered on the riverboat. While Ardeth gives his warning to Rick, Evelyn, and the Americans, Soap tries to ask where he and the fighter may have met before. He doesn't answer except to watch Johnny in return with what seems to Johnny to be somewhat frustrated puzzlement. The masked fighter leaves with the rest of the Medjai, though he seems reluctant to go.

While the Americans finally go to open the chest with the Book of the Dead, Graves decides to taunt O'Connell (and possibly attempt to flirt a bit with Soap) and so isn't present when the chest is opened and the curse activated. Evelyn steals reappropriates (like brother, like sister) the Book of the Dead from Shepherd's tent and reads the passage that resurrects Imhotep, which also sets off the plague of locusts.

Everyone flees into the city and, while Rick and Evelyn encounter Imhotep, Graves gets lost trying to find Soap, who has also wandered off a little. The masked fighter finds him first, however, and shuffles him back towards the rest of the party, leaving Graves to be found by the desiccated Imhotep after he's taken Burns' eyes and tongue.

(Torn between Graves being Jewish and saving himself the same way Beni does [prayers in Hebrew, which Imhotep recognises], having him enter the mummy's service some other way, having him die outright immediately, or even just him escaping somehow with or without Imhotep on his trail.)

Back in Cairo, Johnny realises he's being stalked by the masked Medjai, though he never manages to catch the guy to figure out why. He meets back up with Rick, Evelyn, Henderson, and Daniels in time to see Burns' drained body and Imhotep regenerate somewhat. After the mummy flees in fear of the cat, Rick sets Evelyn up in her room to be guarded by the Americans while he goes to warn Shepherd and Johnny goes to find the Medjai, hoping to finally get some answers (and maybe he's worried about the guy, nothing wrong with that).

He doesn't manage to find the masked fighter before Rick and Daniels catch up to him with the news that Shepherd is dead, however. They all rush back to Evelyn's room to scare off Imhotep with the cat again after Henderson gets eaten, and pack up to head towards the museum looking for answers.

And answers they find! Not only is Ardeth there with Price, but so is the masked fighter who's been stalking Johnny. Price and Ardeth lay out what's going on and while Rick, Evelyn, and Daniels ask the Medjai questions and start theorising about things, Price takes Soap to the side and reveals what he's kind of started to suspect: the masked fighter is Ghost, miraculously alive.

See, during the Battle of Megiddo, when Soap thought he saw Simon killed, he was actually just gravely injured. Because they were unable to reach him before the end of the battle - or even for a some time afterwards - he was picked up instead by the irregulars of the Hejaz and their allies who had also fought. While they were able to heal his physical wounds, Simon had also suffered significant memory loss and was unable to tell them which company he'd been attached to in order for them to help him get home.

Unfortunately, he was also somewhat mistrustful of those who had saved him, and slipped away sometime in the night to try and return to the only place that he had stuck in his head: Egypt, around Cairo, where his unit had been based out of. The Medjai had found him wandering the desert and took him in next, and he stayed because not only were they based in Egypt, which was familiar territory, but they were willing to teach him new ways to fight.

Price had recognised him once after Ardeth had brought him along to one of their regular meetings about the state of Hamunaptra, and had been trying to break through his memory loss ever since, with no luck. Soap was, essentially, their last hope on that front. Johnny declares that even if he can't manage to break through and Ghost never remembers, he won't leave Simon behind ever again.

He and Price (and Ghost who's approached them as they talked, focused entirely upon Johnny) rejoin the other four to escape the museum as the locals start to surround them. Poor Daniels gets dragged off and sucked dry along the way (not in a fun way), but the rest of them make it further until they're cornered. Evelyn agrees to go with Imhotep, now fully restored after eating the last American, demanding that the remaining four be spared if she does. Imhotep, of course, doesn't honour that agreement, but they're all four accomplished fighters and make their way into the sewers to escape.

They make their way to an airstrip where they find our boy Nikolai. (Nikolai had been fighting for the Russian Empire until the Revolution. He disagreed with the Bolshevik concessions to Germany as well as the general direction of the war, and ended up in Egypt, also fighting in the French Foreign Legion.) Nik and Price are well acquainted, and it takes no time to convince him they need to fly to Hamunaptra. Nikolai is an excellent pilot and, when Imhotep's sandstorm attempts to down them, he manages to execute an emergency landing with only injuries to himself and Price. Even though their injuries are relatively minor, Nik and Price are urged to stay behind at the crash site while everyone else continues on.

So Johnny, Rick, Simon, and Ardeth make their way in to Hamunaptra, determined to dig up the Book of Amun-Ra and save Evelyn. When they find themselves cornered by mummified priests, Soap and Ghost stay behind to fight them off while Rick and Ardeth confront Imhotep and save Evelyn.

Once the mummies are under Ardeth's command (as the one reading the inscription on the Book of Amun-Ra), Johnny and Simon finally manage to sit and have a bit of a talk and Simon takes off his mask. Turns out, he's been remembering more and more as he tries to figure out why Johnny is so familiar feeling. At this point, Ghost has almost all of his memories back, including the ones regarding how much he loved Soap. Johnny, of course, loves him back (and thinking he'd lost Simon, especially so close to the end of the war and them being free to be "good bachelor friends who live in a country house together", had been one of his major breaking points).

(I think if Graves was in Imhotep's service and survived this long, he definitely escapes the main temple with a bag of treasure, only to meet Soap and Ghost outside, still alive. He'd probably interrupt them kissing, tbh. He's that kind of cockblock. And then they'd either kill him for betraying them or leave him for the desert to kill.)

Rick, Evelyn, and Ardeth stumble out of the temple themselves, possibly after having deliberately set off a self-destruct booby trap. Ardeth takes the Book of Amun-Ra for safe keeping, much to Evelyn's disappointment. Ardeth and Ghost have a nice little chat where Ghost thanks the Medjai for taking care of him when he didn't know who he was. Ardeth denies the notion of any debt between them and wishes him well in the next chapter of his life.

The two couples gather up several of the camels, head back to the crash site to pick up Price and Nikolai, and then return to Cairo (and possibly everyone goes home to England, but possibly Price and Nik stay behind). Everyone splits the treasure they didn't realise had already been packed into the saddlebags.

(Gaz shows up in the next one, piloting the airship. Instead of being Rick's friend, he's Soap and Ghost's.)

[sharkchan12]

Sitcom au (episode 2)

Eyes, moloch, Dexter, and Bob order a pizza

*intro plays with iconic music*

*it starts*

Dexter, moloch, and Eyes are watching TV until they heard weird noises coming from the other side of the room

Moloch: "What's Bob up to right now?"

Eyes: "Don't you know what day it is?"

Moloch: "It's Friday, so what?"

Eyes: "Not just any Friday it's-"

Before Eyes could finish his sentence Bob then proceeds to run into the living room and scream

Bob: "IT'S GAME NIGHT FRIDAY"

Bob says while carrying a bunch of board games and game controllers

*crowd cheering sound effect plays*

Eyes: "We do this once every month on a Friday, remember?"

Dexter was upset with that answer, he hates game night Friday, he loses every game they ever played

Meanwhile Moloch was excited with that answer, he won most of the games last month, and wants to beat Dexter again

Bob puts down the board games

Bob: "Which board game should we start off first?"

Moloch: "Shouldn't we order some food first before playing?"

Bob: "Oh you're right, silly me"

*laugh track plays*

Bob: "All right then I'll go order a pizza"

Bob picks up the home phone

Bob: "What kind of pizza do y'all want?"

Dexter: "Anything but pizza hut, that pizza was so flavorless last month"

Moloch and Eye nod their heads, agreeing with Dexter

Moloch: "Lets try papa johns"

Bob: "NO THANK YOU I hate John, he shot me multiple times"

*laugh track plays*

Dexter: "OK LETS GET LITTLE CAESARS, I DON'T WANT TO SIT HERE ARGUING ABOUT THIS FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT"

Bob: "OK THEN DAMN YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL"

*another laugh track plays*

Bob then proceeds to call Little Caesars

Rick picks up the phone

*crowd cheering sound effect plays*

Bob: "Hello, I would like a large cheese-"

Eyes, moloch, and Dexter looked at Bob in confusion

Moloch: "WE ALWAYS ORDER PEPPERONI, WHY THE SUDDEN CHANGE?"

Bob: "Well I don't like pepperoni anymore, no toppings isn't going to hurt anyone"

Eyes: "No toppings are boring, I'll rather have pineapples on it than just plain cheese"

Dexter: "YOU'LL WHAT?!"

Eye: "I NEVER SAID IT WAS GOOD"

*laugh track plays*

Moloch wasn't having it so he went up to Bob and tried taking the phone but it ended up being a tug of war over the phone

Eyes was on Molochs side and grabbed Bob so Moloch can have the phone to order

Rick: "Hello?"

Moloch (with his deep demonic voice): "Can you change that order?...yeah yeah I'll like a large pepperoni pizza…

Moloch decided it'll be funnier to torture Bob with more meat

Moloch: "yknow what I'll also have it with bacon, beef, sausage, and ham"

Moloch hangs up the phone

Bob was flabbergasted

Eyes lets go of Bob while everyone judges him

Dexter: "You never even eat the pizza, why are you crying?"

Bob: "You wouldn't get it"

Dexter: "Whatever just go and pick up the pizza"

Bob: "Can someone at least come with me"

Dexter and Moloch: "NOT IT!"

Eyes led out a big sigh as he went with Bob to the car

Once they left Dexter and moloch looked at eachother

Dexter: "Yknow I'll actually prefer to have the cheese pizza"

Moloch: "Of course you do, you think pepperonis are too spicy for you"

Dexter: "NO I DON'T"

Moloch: "YOU PROBABLY THINK BANANAS ARE SPICY"

*laugh track plays*

Dexter and Moloch started to fight (think of those cartoons where there's a crowd of smoke in front of the fight)

We then cut back to Eyes and Bob going to get their pizza

Bob: "Stay in the car, I'll call you when I need you"

Bob gets inside the Little Caesars

he had to duck to get inside the building, the doors were too small :(

Bob: "Hello, I ordered the big meat thing"

Rick: "You have to wait another 10 minutes sorry"

Bob was flabbergasted

Bob didn't know what to do, but the first thing he needs to do is stress eat

Bob went outside the Little Caesars and found a random jogger passing by

Bob then proceeds to eat the jogger like a rabid zombie

He gets back in the car with Eyes while eating a leg

Eyes: "WHERE'S THE PIZZA?"

Bob: "Our pizza wasn't hot and ready, we have to wait another 10 minutes"

Eyes was flabbergasted

Out of anger, Eyes got out of the car and ran into the Little Caesars

Rick noticed Eyes outside the window

Rick: "I quit"

Rick got out of the building before Eyes started to destroy everything and killed every non spooky month character

Meanwhile we cut back to Dexter and Moloch fighting

They stopped their fighting and noticed something on the news, it was Eyes

Moloch: "Well that just happened"

*laugh track plays*

Eyes and Bob came back but instead of the one pizza they ordered it was multiple pizzas they were carrying

Dexter and Moloch may have caused a mess in the house but they were overjoyed with the pizzas

Eyes: "WHAT DID YOU LITTLE PILES OF FLESH DO TO THE HOUSE?!"

Dexter and Moloch started to point fingers at each other and argue

Bob was not happy with this game night Friday and begins running into his room crying like a pissed off teenager

Everyone followed him into his room

Dexter: "WHY ARE YOU CRYING SO DAMN LOUD?"

Bob: "This game night Friday is horrible, first the toppings, then the pizzas, now the living room is ruined"

Dexter: "I mean you kind of started it with the no toppi-"

Eyes smacked Dexter in the face to make him shut up

Eyes: "I mean I did kill a lot of people, I actually saved up some body parts for you to eat"

Bob: *sniffs* "Really?"

Eyes: "Yeah and we can clean this place up tomorrow"

Dexter and Moloch didn't like cleaning but didn't complain

Bob was now jumped with joy

Bob: "SO THAT MEANS WE CAN FINALLY PLAY OUR GAMES NOW"

Everyone was now excited (and by everyone I mean only Bob and Eyes)

They all began to play their game (jackbox party pack games)

They ate their pizzas while Bob was drinking

Dexter: "The pizzas are cold"

Bob: "I told you they weren't hot and ready"

Bob said while looking at Eyes

*laugh track plays*

Moloch: "We should've ordered at an Italian restaurant instead"

Dexter: "Well you should've suggested it when you had the chance"

Bob: "Speaking of Italian pizza, did you know that margherita of savoy, the queen that the margherita pizza was named after, before dying, fell in a comatose state that made her unable to speak or move"

Everyone looked at Bob

*laugh track plays*

*iconic outro music plays*

The End

[dovecestism]

watching tlou has me thinking about a cegan fic inspired on it..... an au where rick doesn't find carl, everything goes to hell (like it normally does) and carl ends up on his own until negan finds him — them being an iconic duo (i think negan meeting the even sassier s2-s3 carl'd be funny as fuck). and the idea of them taking care of each other after losing everyone is cute too.

i'm not into joel/ellie at all tbh but i think that dynamic could be very interesting on cegan

[findroleplay]

Hello.

I’m looking to write Klaus Hargreeves from the Umbrella Academy against a variety of canon, OC or crossover characters.

Klaus/Diego

- Open to anything with these two, canon divergent through to AU’s. 60’s story where they land together and need to make a life of their own? Pushing Daisies AU, with Detective Diego working with Klaus to solve murders, pre-S1 story where they stayed close… Anything and everything.

Klaus/Ben

- Open to lovely canon Ben or a darker Sparrow Ben, depending on what you feel up for writing! Twisting the story to where Ben doesn’t die? 60’s story where they do something other than starting a cult? Post S2 tale where Ben is returned to life and suddenly has to deal with feelings for Klaus / being back in the land of the living. AU’s aplenty. Give me your thoughts!

Klaus/Male OC

- I love those morally grey/dark characters who fall in love and turn on what they know. The ‘hates everyone but you’ vibe. I’m not really looking for a sunshine and rainbows story. That said, I can enjoy some fluffy scenes too!

- Maybe a commission operative sent undercover (like Lila) to monitor Klaus - he’s present in the 60’s or the Present (S1). Or perhaps another one of the powered kids who wasn’t adopted by Reginald but he was instead raised within another organisation (think HYDRA in the MCU). Perhaps even someone completely outside of Academy life - a mobster that Klaus ends up involved with during his time on the streets, he’s deadly and yet enchanted by Klaus.

- You get the vibe? Awesome! Come at me with the characters you think will fit. Let’s write something dark and angsty.

Klaus/Crossover character

(Open to a variety of thoughts here, I’ll list my own ideas, but please feel free to come at me with any character you feel could fit in with Klaus.)

- Klaus/Bucky Barnes, where Klaus goes back in time to WW2 instead of Vietnam and he meets James Buchanan Barnes. They fall in love. Bucky dies. Klaus goes home. Meanwhile MCU timeline carries on as normal to where Bucky is freed from HYDRA control, reads about the Umbrella Academy… Lots of angst, lots of drama. Let’s figure something out.

- Klaus/Steve Rogers, similar concept to above.

- Klaus/Daryl Dixon, where the apocalypse is the zombie apocalypse and The Walking Dead meets The Umbrella Academy. I have a more solid idea for this in my mind, but I would love to hear your thoughts on this concept too.

- Klaus/Rick Grimes, same as above.

- Once again, bring me your own thoughts! Not just from the MCU or TWD. I am open to any fandoms, including ones I am not in but that I am more than happy to research so long as you come with fairly extensive thoughts on how YC would mesh with Klaus!

Me: I’m 21+. I’m experienced and literate and more than comfortable with multi-para through to novella style roleplays. I am angst friendly, smut friendly and don’t have any real limits so I am fine with covering dark themes. I consider myself semi-regular and would like someone who feels the same, as I lose my muse if I am left waiting days at a time for a response. I’m off work now until the Winter Season so i’d love to match with someone available-ish!

I love writing side characters and would adore someone who feels the same - happy bringing in other Hargreeves siblings, other characters and I’d be down to help out with potential OC’s involved with your main or other side characters in crossover pairings. I’m OOC friendly and enjoy sharing memes, playlists, headcanons, etcetera. I really want someone to vibe with.

I write on discord or email, but like this advert and I will reach out to you.

I won’t get into any conversations with vague intros. We want to write so I take introductions as a bit of a writing sample. Tell me about yourself and your thoughts on this.

-

[idledreams4]

not my brain out here associating my f/os with songs that do not match their usual vibe.

We've already heard my Curses inspired au with Negan

But would you have expected a Hayloft II inspired au where I was with Carl?

Bet you didn't. Or maybe you did. Don't know, don't really care.

But there's a reason it's Hayloft II. Just works better than the first one lol. Though the first one can maybe tie in with the long ass backstory I wrote here? Idk, up for you to decide.

So in this AU I'm with the group from the start, like before Rick ran into Glenn and the others in the city. I was just a kid, a few years older than Carl. Even though I'm barely a teenager myself I came to see him and Sophia as little siblings in a way. With the group being so tight-knit it would be hard not to want to look out for them.

After we lose Sophia I get more protective over Carl. And I think the others can see the way that he kind of clings to me, despite also insisting he doesn't need anyone's protection.

Rick and Lori appreciate it, having someone willing to keep an eye on him when they can't. Lori of course has known me for a longer time than Rick, who I think would be hesitant to trust me, but she assures him that I've been a good help and whatnot since the group found me and helps him come around.

But, for the most part, the group doesn't really see how close Carl and I get. If they do, they haven't said anything.

One night, after the group has been on the farm for a little while, we get the oh so brilliant idea to sneak up to the loft in the barn. Just because of Carl's age at this point in the show, I'm going to say we weren't explicitly intending to sneak up there to have sex. Make out or whatever? Sure. We're just curious kids having a little innocent fun. Anyway, back to the story. We never actually make it into the loft, because just as we come around the end of the barn we see Maggie and Glenn, arguing in hushed voices about something. I try to pull Carl back before they can see us, but I'm too slow, and Glenn turns his head.

There are some questions obviously, such as why we aren't asleep and what we were doing

I take the lead, claiming we just wanted to explore the loft

Glenn and Maggie both say we can't, and Glenn is about to inform us of the walkers when Maggie cuts him off and simply says a lot of the boards are rotten and need to be fixed, it wouldn't be safe for anyone to go up there. So we get turned around and sent back to bed.

From here things progress more or less the same as the show, there's just an extra kid with the group now. Considering I'm stuck to Carl's side like glue, I'm with him when the farm gets overrun and we all get split up.

Everything at the prison is the same, I'm lucky enough that I do not get sick.

I think it would be interesting if, for the sake of drama, I was one of the people The Governor takes hostage when he threatens the prison.

Pretty sure the gang gets split up AGAIN after the prison gets overrun. Once again I stay with Carl no matter what.

By now I think everyone in the group is aware that mine and Carl's relationship has become more romantic. Rick is, of course, not thrilled.

all the Terminus bs happens. Same people live. I'm not really writing an au, I'm just putting myself in the story lol

And then, at last, we make it to Alexandria Safe Zone

I feel like there was some steps I missed in there but idc

We're in Alexandria now

Only difference here is that now Carl already has a girlfriend (me) so we both become friends with Enid and whoever else was in that little friend group he had for the first little bit

The hoard still threatens us and everything, we rebuild, blah blah blah. Let's get to the good part, shall we? The Saviors.

Because Carl and I are inseparable, I'm part of the group that gets more or less taken hostage in the woods. I don't 100% recall if Carl was with the group trying to get Maggie to Hilltop, or if he was with the latter group, but either way: I'm with him.

When he threatens Carl it becomes obvious to him pretty quickly that we're together, so some taunting and even more threats get thrown around. You all know how Negan is.

Then fast forward just a bit: the one time I'm not with Carl, he sneaks into The Sanctuary. I'm at Rick's house, worrying about the fact he isn't back from whatever he was supposed to be doing and cursing myself for not going with him.

Don't get me wrong, I love Olivia, she's lovely and I appreciate everything she does for Alexandria, but for my own personal reasons (a massive, and not at all secret, crush on Negan) I'm slightly rewriting the parts with her. She still has her same job and everything, for "plot" reasons I'm just having her ask me to cover for her for a few hours and Negan happens to show up with Carl in that time. Instead of making me cry he gets me pissed the fuck off, and then makes the comment about screwing my brains out while we wait for Rick (with a very last minute addition of "you are 18, right?"), and believe me when I tell you that simply slapping him in the face takes an immeasurable amount of self-restraint

Fast forward through the war developing

We get to the bombing of Alexandria

Ooooh boy

Carl already got me to safety, I'm helping get the others situated, and then he comes in stumbling and clutching at his abdomen and my heart drops

And THAT is all exposition to the part Hayloft II actually inspired. I gotta give the backstory you know?

Carl kills himself, as we know, and I snap.

I blame Rick for the whole thing, cause the war was his fault, and I knew Carl had this vision of a peaceful future. As much as I wanted that for him, for us, now that he was gone I was just seeing red.

So I take off, in the middle of the night when nobody is going to notice. I take of the few cars Alexandria has and I head straight for The Sanctuary.

I make it known I'm unarmed and demand to speak to Negan. The dead all around the gates may as well not even be there. I'm so caught up in my revenge fantasy that all I can think about is taking Rick the fuck down.

An understandably pissed Negan comes out to meet me. Like he keeps saying though he's a reasonable guy, so he hears me out, and while he knows I'll make a good soldier he also makes it abundantly clear that I cannot let my rage control me while I'm fighting for him.

Anyway so to address the song:

Whatever happened to the young, young lovers? [Carl and I]

One got shot and the other got lost in drugs and punks and blood on the street. Blood, blood on her knees, bloody history [Carl killed himself, and I "lost" myself in the violence of the saviors]

Whatever happened to the hayloft? Burnt to the ground [literally the hayloft on the Greene farm. Enough said]

and what about Pop? He took his ass back to the crack shack with his long johns on, singing that old song:

My baby's got a gun, my baby's got a gun

My baby's got a gun, I better run

My baby's got a gun, it goes

Boom, boom, crack, ga-ga-ga-ga, boom, boom [this now switches to Rick's pov with me fighting against him. He spies me on the "battlefield" at some point, and in this AU I actually get to kill him. The end of S8, where The Saviors would have won if Eugene hadn't fucked them over? Yeah in my version I at least actually get functioning rounds and I take Rick out before he can slit Negan's throat.]

An eye for an eye, a leg for a leg [I literally just decided as I was writing this that my last words to Rick are "an eye for an eye"]

A shot in the heart doesn't make it unbreak. She really didn't wanna make it messy. She really, really didn't, but the girl gone cray [I never wanted it to end this way, I wanted Carl's vision, but Rick just wouldn't listen so here we are.]

[missingexaltation]

Another AU Fic idea:

Some time after season 4 (where everyone's alive and whole, damn it), Eddie finally gets his own place. Nothing wrong with staying with Wayne but he's finally outta school and loves the independence. Wayne also gets to have a bedroom again, so good for him.

Only he's gotta pay for everything now. (AND a whole shitload of one off purchases that he never thought about, like forks and pots and pans, what the FUCK, capitalism??).

So naturally, during his first month as an actual grown up, in his grown up house, amongst other things his razor breaks. And money is kinda tight for a guy on minimum wage and barely any furniture, so he thinks 'fuck it'. It can wait until next payday. He can cope.

Only a couple of days later, his face itches so bad, and in all honesty he looks like a bum. The guys at work find it hilarious, he's the baby there after all, and they think he's trying to grow it on purpose to look older. He doesn't want to admit that he's fucking broke, and even considers asking Rick to let him deal again for a bit, for some easy cash. (He doesn't because he promised Wayne, but it's really fucking tempting).

His scruff is growing in patchy, some bits quicker than others and it's looks a lot of a mess. He's got a knife that's vaguely sharp so he tries that, but no. Ouch. Despite his skilled guitarist's fingers he's still a bit of a klutz and nearly slices his cheek open. Still, it's less than a week till payday. He can cope.

A couple of days later, and while the itching has subsided, he's still weirded out each time he see himself in the mirror. It's not a metal look at all, he looks WAY older than he actually is. It's less patchy though, so there's that. Once he trims it a bit, it looks a lot better. Passable. Only a few days to go.

Wayne swings by that night, bringing take out for them both. He offers to chip in some cash, after he's stopped laughing his ass off. Eddie refuses it on principle, but sulks his way through his food until Wayne apologises for bruising his ego. He doesn't mention that he looks fucking amazing compared to a couple of days ago, mollified by Wayne's apologies nonetheless.

He still has zero cash, and skips breakfast, annihilating a couple of cupcakes that his boss brought in for the team, skips dinner, and gets second helpings of Mrs Jones' pecan pie at band practise (Gawd bless Gareth's mom). He's not sure how he's gonna get through the final day as he's already a hungry hungry hippo, but then when he wakes up the greatest thing happens.

Steve is back from his awful family vacation and calls him up, desperate to be around ANYONE that he's not related to.

He promises to bring food and gossip galore with him, and Eddie's day just got a million times better. He's whistling at work, begs a couple of candy bars from his coworkers, and by the time Steve arrives at his new abode that night, Eddie's climbing the walls ready for a full meal.

He's forgotten about the razor.

When he opens the door, Steve just gapes at him, before turning bright red and blinking really hard. It takes longer than it should for Eddie to remember, but suddenly the last week or so has been totally worth it, because Steve Harrington is kissing him and losing his goddammed mind over the shitty beard.

Holy fuck.

It's not until Steve pulls back that he seems to register who he's kissing, but he just shrugs it off and hands over the food. Eddie gets fed, gets the Harrington family gossip, and...gets the Steve staying the next few nights.

(He still shaves it off at the first opportunity because holy fuck it's annoying to keep it looking decent).

[anniesocsandgeneralstore]

Here is a masterlist for everything in this little world I've created! Where everyone lived and they all live together now. Because I'm in denial and also found family is a good trope. This includes an OFC of my own creation named Delphia Holman that is in a relationship with Rick Flag. In this universe, she and Flag have started up basically a halfway house for previous members of the Suicide Squad.

Currently requests are CLOSED (as of 10/26/21) for this universe, if you wanna send some into my ask box! I don't write smut so please none of that! But I'll take anything involving the squad family, an au, stuff that happened before Rick and Dee got together, anything!

On here, I am gonna try to put these in chronological order and include the next installments that are in progress, marked with an * (to keep myself accountable) so hopefully, it'll all make sense one day.

If you're wanting to start reading these in order I suggest reading If I Go, I'm Goin Crazy pt. 1 (first piece I wrote in this series) up until Delphia bumps into Rick in the hallway in order to get enough context for the rest of it!

Helpful Things:

A Quick Guide to the Squad Fam and Their Jobs

If I Go Universe:

April 2014 - The Night We Met

January 2015 - Greatest What If

June 2015 - Violence Be Gentle

June 2015 - Sorrow Be Kind

September 2016 - If I Go, I'm Goin' Crazy pt. 1

September 2016 - Is This Our First Date?

October 2016 - Miscommunication

December 2016 - 165th's Reunion Special

March 2017 - Birthday Breakfast

May 2017 - Move In With Me

December 2017 - Merry Christmas, Rick Flag

October 2018 - Greatest What If pt. 2

November 2018 - Sunburned Holiday

December 2019 - Frosty's Ugly Cousin

July 2021 - If I Go, I'm Goin' Crazy pt. 2

August 2021 - Finding the House

September 2021 - Take a Sick Day

October 2021 - Do The Monster Mash

November 2021 - Tapper's Arcade Bar

December 2021 - Snowball Fight!

December 2021 - Arose Such a Clatter

December 2021 - Merry Christmas, Squad

January 2022 - Girl's Day

February 2022 - Sebastian Knows

March 2022 - Let's Empty the Animal Shelter

April 2022 - If I Go, I'm Goin' On Fire pt. 1

April 2022 - If I Go, I'm Goin' On Fire pt. 2

April 2022 - If I Go, I'm Goin' On Fire pt. 3

May 2022 - Nightmares

June 2022 - Wedding Day

July 2022 - The Birthday Boy

January to September 2022 - Snippets of a Pregnancy

October 2022 - Losing Each Other In a Corn Maze

October 2022 - Dreams Come True

December 2022 - We're All Getting Coal

August 2023 - Baby's Day Out

2016 | 2019 | 2023 - Tattoos All In Black

December 2028 - Mommy Kissin' Santa Claus

Headcanons:

Splashin Safari

TaskForceX!Delphia AU:

Headcanons

i am not a woman, i'm a god

i am not a woman, i'm a god pt. 2

Breaking the News

Tattoo/Flower Shop AU:

Roses Are Red

Santa's Mailbox

Deadknight AU:

Make You See Red

Milk and Cookies

[babbushka]

Beyond Reasonable Doubt (ch.1)

                                –      A Lawyer AU      –

You and Kylo Ren have hated one another for as long as you can remember. He, a criminal prosecutor, and you, a defense attorney should be natural-born enemies, and you are. But when Kylo comes to you seeking representation after being charged for a murder he didn’t commit, you both learn a thing or two about life, the law, and love…

[5k, no warnings for this first chapter!] 

Available on AO3

                                          ----------------------------

In a world of ever-changing circumstances, where people do things that cause ripples and shocks through the very fabric of society that shake them to their core, where the sun shines and rain falls and snow blows cold through the streets of Manhattan, where there is life and death and a mess of bullshit in between, there was but one thing that you could ever comfortably rely on in life.

Only one thing remained constant in the grand scheme of it all: your alarm.

With a grunt and sigh, your arm extends out from underneath the covers to smack at the loud blaring jingle that sounds from your phone, hand desperately trying to hit the dismiss button without looking so that you don’t have to face the day just yet. It’s too early, you reason, to pull your whole self out from under the covers.

Eventually you give that thought up though, because dammit now you’re awake and it’s Monday morning and you have an office that’s waiting for you uptown. So, ever grudgingly, you throw the plush comforter off of your body and stretch to greet the day, saying good morning to the city that never sleeps.

You don’t usually dread waking up, but well, the last time you’d been in the office was Friday afternoon, after you lost your case.

After you lost your case, to him.

Glancing at the clock on your phone, you chew your lip for a moment or two, before finally turning off the do not disturb function, immediately going into the bathroom to shower and ready yourself for the day while damn near a hundred backlogged notifications make your phone buzz nearly onto the floor.

There’s a small mirror in the shower, a little compact to make sure there’s nothing left on your face after you scrub your skin clean, and you catch your own reflection in it. You’ve looked better, that was for damn sure – but by that same token, you’ve also looked worse. Mondays were shit, but today was gearing up to be an even worse one than normal.

No, you think as you shake your head adamantly, you have no desire to let him soak up any more of your good mood than he had already. So what if you had forgone your entire weekend, canceling plans and ignoring friends to nurse the sting to your pride that was losing? So what if instead of checking your email or your phone, you sat yourself on the couch and wasted two entire days doing nothing but watching shitty shows on Netflix?

What you did on your downtime was nobodies’ business, and since you live alone in your beautiful one-bedroom in SoHo, no one was there to spill your secrets. If anyone asked – not that anyone would, if they knew what was good for them – you would tell them that you absolutely did not spend the weekend wanting to throw darts onto a photo of his face. That wouldn’t be very professional, now would it?

Shutting off the water, you wrap yourself up in a big plush towel, and pad across the floor to your closet. Briefly, ever so briefly, you glance at your phone on your way, holding your breath, wondering, hoping that there might be something from him.

If there is, it’s buried under a pile of emails and text-threads from your firm, so he’ll have to wait.

Manhattan in January was chilly, so you bundle yourself up in your chicest coat overtop your most well-fitting skirt suit and a pair of heeled boots. Even if you felt like shit, you could look like million fuckin’ bucks, and no one would be the wiser.

And what a wonder the power of confidence was! Through the streets and down to the subway, you smiled at everyone, and they all smiled back. You offered your seat on the train to an elderly man who clearly needed it more than you, and he complimented your gloves. Everyone from the NYPD officer drinking his coffee to the mom scolding her three children brightened as you wished them a good morning, and somehow, along the way to work, your Monday blues disappears into something a little brighter.

                                         ----------------------------

Your good mood only continues to grow as you exit the elevator of the huge high-rise that you call your home away from home, your office on the twenty-third floor right in the heart of the Upper West Side. Sandwiched between the Hudson and Central Park, you have to admit that getting your ass out of bed was worth it, even if just for this view.

“Morning (Y/N).” The front desk security guard greets you, and you say hello back to him with a performative show of your badge.

HKS Law, so named after the founders and current partners Amilyn Holdo, Ben Kenobi, and Luke Skywalker, is a shining pinnacle of what defense attorneys and opposing counsel at trials should be. Not only had the firm made history time and time again with incredible wins and even more incredible ultimate losses, but it prided itself on being representation for the people no one else could represent.

Most of all, it had you.

If your alarm was a constant, than this was a universal truth: you are a damn good defense attorney. As you walk through the crisp and clean polished floors, you hold your head high, knowing that this loss against him still put you at the lowest loss rate of anyone in the history of HKS, lower than even the founders themselves.

That little reminder has you grinning to yourself. You’d been working with HKS for nearly six years now, and very quickly you saw your office climbing higher and higher up the skyscraper, saw it getting bigger and bigger. And now, you were nearly positive, that your meeting at eleven o’clock would be to discuss partnership with the firm as a reward for your continued hard work.

“Hey (Y/N)!” One of the associates, Rose Tico smiles at you from where she’s chatting with her sister Paige by their desks.  

“Someone looks like they had a nice weekend.” Paige remarks, and you only wink at them, playing the game.

A game, which becomes instantly easier as your assistant, a bright-eyed intern fresh out of law school appears seemingly out of nowhere.

“(Y/N), good morning!” She is already offering you a cup of something nice and hot, her arm cradling a stack of manilla folders that have all sorts of sticky-note flags on them, that she shifts onto her hip ever so slightly to brush a few loose braids out of her face, speaking at what feels like a million miles a second, “I have your coffee ready and there’s a fresh breakfast buffet in the break room if you’d like, I can get you something – ”

“Good morning Neisha.” You accept the coffee gratefully, but interrupting her only to give her a chance to catch her breath. You check your watch, it’s only half-past seven, she’ll wear herself out if she exerts that much energy first thing. “A bagel with the usual would be perfect, thank you.”

“No problem – oh, Rick wanted you to look over those case files before your eleven-o’clock.” She breathes a sigh of relief, and gives you a smile.

Groaning, you accept the manilla folders too, balancing the coffee cup on top of them as Iman follows you into your own private office. Your assistant stands in front of your desk at the ready, looking sharp and put together, as ever.

One thing that you loved about Neisha – aside from the dozens of things that you admired and appreciated about her – was that you have never ever seen her in something other than a pantsuit. She did not wear dresses or skirts, she was almost never in heels, and she did not carry a purse. Instead, Neisha could almost always be found in a very smart trouser and blazer set, often complete with vests, and fun-colored socks in her loafers to coordinate with her ever-expanding collection of ties.

“Rick can go fuck himself.” You mutter under your breath, and she laughs.

“Should I tell him you said that?” With a playful glimmer in her eye, she crosses her arms over her broad chest.

“Yes.” You wink, before checking your watch once again and reminding her about that, “Bagel?”

“Bagel – right, on it.” Neisha snaps her fingers and leaves, closing the office door behind her.

 You like your office, even if you’ve outgrown it. Much like the rest of the firm, it has stayed up to date with the contemporary interior design of the day. However where the open floor of the firm is mostly whites and silvers and glass, your office feels warmer with shades of coffee browns and creamy neutrals. 

Remembering how you had been so excited for the promotion to your own office, you can’t help but chuckle to yourself now – it really was a small office. It consisted of a long dark brown desk situated in front of a wall-unit bookshelf/display area, and a seating arrangement of matching brown chairs situated around a free-edge wooden coffee-table. A soft rug covers the marble flooring, and cream gauzy curtains cover the windows, but that was about it.

You had been to the offices of the higher ups, you knew just what you could achieve if you made partner – even if you made junior partner.

And if all went well during this meeting at eleven, you knew you’d be moving into one of those offices soon.

For the first time all weekend, you sit down in the big leather chair behind your desk and finally check your phone. The case files remain on your desk, and you know you’ll get to them eventually, but until you’ve had some breakfast and that coffee can work its magic, no one could blame you for scrolling through the shit that you had put off since Friday.

It’s mostly work friends taking your side, which you appreciate. They knew losing a case was hard for you – you didn’t do it very often. And even though you never lost to anyone besides him, it still never got easier.

The case had been a simple one, or at least, you had thought so. Murders are so often simple, either the person did it, or they didn’t. If they did, there’s evidence, and if they didn’t, well, there’s evidence too. And when two parties come forward with their own evidence, compelling, strong fucking evidence – evidence of alibis and proof that your client couldn’t have been there, couldn’t have done it – it’s up to the jury to decide who to believe.

In this case, this jury decided to believe him, and there was nothing you could do about it. It was losses like this, losses like the knowledge than an innocent man was going to prison, that make you seriously question the legal system as a whole, frankly.

It’s then that you see it, and your hand freezes.

You have a missed message from him.

He’s saved in your contacts as the dick from VTH, and even though that could refer to any number of people, you know that it’s him. You have five missed messages from him, as a matter of fact, which sends both a rush of adrenaline through you, as well as a spike of anxiety.

The two of you…you’d never been friends, not really. In fact, the closest thing to a relationship that you might have is that of a rivalry, if not flat out enemies. You hated him, and he hated you, and he had hated you ever since the first day he set eyes on you, from the very first moment you walked into the courtroom as a last-minute addition to the defense counsel, and won the case in fifteen minutes.

Which was a shame, because you often find yourself thinking that if he weren’t such a…well, a dick, there could have been something there. Instead of a friendship, or even a civil acquaintanceship, you have over the years developed something of a hate-fucking-enemies-with-benefits arrangement. He was probably pissed that you ignored him all weekend, but that was okay – let him be pissed, you were pissed too.

You don’t open his messages, not yet. You’d need coffee in you and food in your stomach before you’re able to handle whatever mood he has to be in, now that you’ve got the energy to deal with him.

You’re so deep in thought that you nearly miss when Neisha returns with a plate for you, a big spread arranged on your desk for you to enjoy. You’re about to thank her and let her get on with whatever work she has to do, but she holds out a newsletter with a devious smile and curiosity gets the better of you.

“Have you seen?” She asks, and you raise a brow, a smile of your own creeping across your face.

The newsletter was something that circulated through the different firms in the area, keeping everyone up to date – or at least as up to date as legally possible – on the goings on in the sphere of influence that you all found yourselves in. Everything from congratulatory memos to case results, and even high profile celebrity gossip was fair game, but one of the more scandalous parts of the newsletter, was the publication of trouble that various lawyers found themselves in.

The Monday morning newsletter had quite a bit of this from over the weekend, and right there on page sixteen, is none other than his face looking as irritated as he possibly can, as he’s being given a hard time for a DUI on Friday night.

“Oh fuck.” Your eyes widen, wanting nothing more than to call him and yell at him for being a fucking idiot, “What the hell does he think he’s doing?”

“Whatever he wants, evidently.” Neisha shrugs, no doubt thinking the news would cheer you up in some sort of vengeful way that you appreciate. She reaches for a pumpernickel crisp from the spread on your desk and muses, “I bet the cops are thrilled, they hate that sonofabitch.”

“Yeah them and me both.” You mutter, already rubbing away a headache that’s starting to form across the expanse of your forehead. “He’s not going to be pleased about that photo, he looks rumpled.”

Sighing, you look down at the photo. He’s very clearly intoxicated, you’ve seen that look in his eyes more than once, the blurry out of focused glassy look that he gives you over smiles at dinner sometimes. You blink away the image of him in a nice suit on the other end of a table, reminding yourself that you’re angry with him.

“Doesn’t he have a driver? I wonder why he got behind the wheel himself.” Neisha continues, and bless her you think, for continually giving you a means to not be left alone with your thoughts.

“If there’s one thing I know about that man, it’s that when he sets him mind to something, no one is going to stop him from doing it.” You reply, not able to ignore a bit of gut-wrenching regret.

Maybe if you hadn’t been so mad at him, you could’ve gone with him to wherever he was coming back from, and maybe you could’ve --

“Should I have this framed?” Neisha asks, and you blink again.

You check your watch, it’s only a quarter ‘til eight. Have you really only been at work for fifteen minutes? That stack of folders sits on the edge of your desk, taunting you. You’re gearing up for an extra long day.

“No, that’s okay.” You shake your head, opening the bottom drawer of your desk and dropping the newsletter into it. “I will keep a hold onto it though. Just for fun.”

With a laugh, Neisha leaves and once again closes your office door.

“God dammit.” You grumble, pulling your phone out yet again.

The unread messages from him sit buried beneath thirty other messages that don’t warrant responses, and you hover your thumb over his name.

After all these years, something about getting a text from him made your heart jump. It felt stupid, you weren’t some teenager with a crush in high school, you were an adult, and this was just another adult, who you happened to have developed some sort of attachment to. Not a friendship, or a relationship even, but some kind of attachment.

Right now, you wanted to bitch at him for getting himself into trouble, for driving while he was so very clearly drunk, a whole argument prepared about how he could have seriously hurt or even killed someone, how even though he’s a rich asshole he can’t afford to be so reckless.

But first, in order to bitch at him, you have to read what he’s sent you over the weekend, and that’s where you keep tripping up. You don’t know why, but when you do finally open up his texts, you find that you’re holding your breath until you read them.

You try to ignore the way the thread starts out, try to ignore how if anyone were to squint, they might think something was going on between you two.

 Incoming: [1/8 6:03am] just picking up croissants from that place u like. jam?

[1/8 6:10am] Yeah, raspberry if they have

Incoming: [1/8 6:11am] on it, go back 2 bed.

 That had been just over a week ago, and you remember the day well, how you exchanged smiles over bites of fresh and flaky pastry, how you had dipped the croissants into hot chocolate in his bed, not giving a fuck about the crumbs that weren’t your problem because they weren’t your sheets.

How that was the last time you had seen him, before the conclusion of the case.

Now, now that you’d lost, the tone of the thread has very clearly shifted to something much colder. One thing you’re surprised to see though, is that they’re all from around Friday night, which was unusual.

 Incoming: [1/15 7:43pm] going out 2 celebrate tonight, join me

Incoming: [1/15 8:57pm] u can’t ignore me forever u know

Incoming: [1/16 12:02am] i’m glad u didn’t come, ud fucking hate it here. theyre playing music 2 loud

Incoming: [1/16 12:15am] r u seriously still mad?

Incoming: [1/16 1:09am] Fuck you.

 Rolling your eyes, you rub away more of that headache that starts to form. It was weird that he didn’t text you at all for the whole day of Saturday, or Sunday for that matter. If you didn’t spend the weekend together, he was very content to simply blow your phone up with links to random bullshit or long text conversations in broken grammar because his thumbs were too big for the buttons.

So for there to be radio silence after one o’clock in the morning was strange.

“For fucks sake.” You find yourself texting him back without even thinking about it, your fingers moving over the keyboard easily and quickly, sending off a slightly antagonizing reply after two days of nothing;

 [1/18 7:55am] Looks like you had quite the night on Friday.

 There, you think. That should get a response out of him. No doubt he would be quick to complain about how he had been pulled over and the whole nine yards. You wait for it to come through, the text. Or more accurately, the string of impassioned paragraphs that he tends to send you.

But a minute go by, and there’s nothing.

Five minutes, and nothing still.

You know you have to work, you have shit to do, you have that big meeting in a couple hours that you have to mentally prepare for, there’s no time to be worrying about him not texting you back. Still, you don’t like the silence. Sure that makes you a hypocrite, but he deserved your cold shoulder for beating you in court. At least, that’s how you justify it for yourself.

Getting up from your desk, you hover in the doorframe, where your assistant’s desk sits just outside to act as a buffer for anyone wanting to bother you.

“Hey Neisha?” You ask quietly, getting her attention, “I haven’t missed any calls, have I?”

A crease of confusion dips between her brows as she frowns, and immediately she checks the call logs on the conference phone that sits on her desk next to the big computer that takes up most of her space.

“No not that I can think of, are you expecting someone – ?”

Just as she’s asking, the phone rings. You lean over and see the number is one you don’t recognize, and you frown too.

“Better get that.” Neisha says awkwardly, so you just nod and retreat back into your own office from where you came.

It’s been seven minutes now, and there’s still nothing from him.

“Fine, fuck you too.” You mutter at the phone, locking it and putting it in the shallow drawer of your desk so you can focus on the folders in front of you finally.

 The stack is pretty normal, all the weekend material finally coming in now that it’s the start of a new week. There’s new case files to look through to decide if you’re doing to accept the client, supplementary material from old case files that you’ve asked for to review, notes and evidence belonging to associates’ cases that you said you’d give your opinion on – all mixed into one big pile.

You liked it though, liked staying busy. It was a good distraction from a loss, the ability to win, the ability to prove to yourself and to the world that you’re good at what you do. There are all sorts of awards and pieces of paper displayed on the walls of your office that show that you’re good, but still, there’s nothing like a strong win after a frustrating loss.

But you’re not even halfway through reading the first folder, when Neisha knocks on your door and opens it slowly, a look of preemptive apology on her face.

“I’m afraid you’re going to need to cancel your eleven o’clock.” She says, and you can tell by the tone of her voice that there’s no use in trying to argue with her.

You let the folder fall down onto the desk, and brace yourself for whatever bombshell she’s about to drop on you, what could possibly be so important for you to have to reschedule one of the biggest meetings of your career. They would understand, you’re sure.

You hope, anyway.

“Who is it?” Your tone is already filled with dread, but a resigned kind of dread, knowing that whatever it must be, it has to be big, and you’re the only one in this entire fucking firm who can handle big things like this – it was the reason they wanted you for partner in the first place.

But Neisha hesitates with this response, scratches the back of her neck in a way that makes you instantly curious.

“I…I was instructed not to say, just that you’ve been requested to meet with them regarding representation.” She tells you, and now your headache pounds even harder.

Clients didn’t withhold their identity from you; some used an alias of course, but you can’t say that so far in your career you’ve had a completely anonymous client. Whoever this person was, had to either be royalty, or something very very close.

And though that meant there was going to be a nightmare of a trial – because these high profile people almost never got to simple settle, not when the prosecutor wants to make a show of prosecuting them – you can’t help but think that would be a pretty good notch in your beltloop, as it were.

“Alright, where are they?” You’re already up and away from your desk, shuffling the case files into a locked cabinet.

“Rikers.” She says straight away, and you let out a groan.

“Of course they are.”

You had almost hoped that whoever this mystery client was, they had posted bail and could meet at a nice neutral location. You didn’t have anything against Rikers personally, but rather the entire prison industrial complex as a whole, and as far as New York prisons went, there were few more infamous for being unnecessarily brutal than Rikers Island.

“I can call them back and tell them you’re busy…but they sounded adamant about wanting you in particular.” Neisha nudges gently, and really there’s no need to butter you up, you’ve already made up your mind.

“I’m guessing they didn’t tell you why?” You ask, even though you know the answer.

“Correct.” She replies with a sheepish shrug.

You look at her, at your watch, at your phone screen which shows no new notifications from the last time that you checked it, and you square your shoulders.  

“Alright, reschedule the eleven o’clock, and let’s get out of here before Holdo freaks the fuck out on me for that.” You say, grabbing your coffee and a few more of the pastries to take in the car with you for the drive.

                                           ----------------------------

Most times, you have no problem taking the subway wherever you need to get, but visiting Rikers wasn’t as easy as hopping off the train and walking a couple blocks. For times like these, you and Neisha take one of the company cars, a sleek and shiny black thing with dark tinted windows. Cars really aren’t practical in the city, which is why you don’t have one of your own, but it was nice to be driven around from time to time in the peace and quiet of a car like this.

Normally, visitors are not allowed on Mondays or Tuesdays, but you’re not a normal person, and you’re not here for a normal visit, so once you pass through the security gate, the K-9 unit and the metal detector security tests with ease, you find it a pretty quiet lobby.

“Good afternoon Ms. (L/N), here on official duty?” One of the correctional officers that sits up by the front visitation desk beams at you.

“No, I just missed you Jake.” You reply, fishing out your identification for him even though he really doesn’t need it. Jake has worked there only a year or so, and every time you see him you can’t help but think he’s young, too young for this job, you think, too young to become desensitized to the humanity of incarcerated individuals. But that’s not a conversation that you’re here to have today, so instead you keep up the chitchat with, “How’s Lottie and the kids?”

“They’re good, who are you here for?” Jake asks as a matter of protocol, and you give Neisha a look, before looking back at him.

“That’s just the thing, I don’t know. I wasn’t informed for confidentiality reasons.” You try to explain, before leaning forward and mock-whispering to him, “Please tell me someone has me on the list and I didn’t drive all this way for nothing.”

Jake laughs, a sound that feels out of place in a place like this, and pulls something up on his computer. You can’t really see it, the list, and that’s okay. Whoever this mysterious person is, you’ll find out within just a few minutes.

“You know the drill, they’re waiting for you in the back.” Jake waves you off, and you’re glad to go.

“Wait out here.” You tell Neisha, who clearly looks uncomfortable even being in the lobby, and with good reason. She doesn’t argue you on that, instead takes a seat on a bench near Jake’s table, and the two of them get to chatting while your boots click on the floors as you walk away.

There’s a couple different visitation areas in the jail, and the deeper into the building you go, the more that you’re glad that visitation isn’t allowed on Mondays. You don’t want the chance of running into someone that you had failed. Granted there had only been a handful of those instances, but the thought of any one of them being here is not outside the realm of possibility.

Through the sea of empty tables and chairs that are reserved for long term inmates who happen to have visitation privileges for good behavior, you find yourself moving deeper and deeper, until you’re at the door of another room, a closed off one more typical to that seen in movies and television shows.

Opening the door, you hang in the hallway to confirm that there’s no one else there, as there shouldn’t be. There’s eight stations, four on each side of the small room, with a phone and a pane of bulletproof glass. Right away, you have a feeling this is going to be a murder trial, if they’re not even letting you meet with the client out in the open, if they’re monitoring the phone conversation that you’re about to have.

You see a shuffle of movement out of the corner of your eye, and assume that that’s who you’re here to meet, so with your chin held high, you step into the room, and make your way to the visitation booth where a man in a bright orange jumpsuit is waiting on the other side of the glass.

Stopping as quickly as you’ve started, you stand frozen in the middle of the room, blinking away and desperately shoving aside a wave of feelings that have crashed over you at the familiar face behind the glass.

The dark hair, the deep eyes, that proud nose, those full lips, you take it all in with some strange sense of disbelief – surely this must be a dream? It has to be, even as you sit on the little stool and yank the phone off the wall, shoving it against your ear, not even knowing where to start as you try to wrap your mind around the fact that the man, this mystery client…

“Hey sweetheart.” He says, and you could smack him upside the head if only there weren’t this glass between you and Kylo Ren.

                                         ----------------------------

Tagging some pals, please let me know if you’d like to be added to or taken off the taglist! @safarigirlsp​ @steeevienicks​ @mochabucky​ @sacklerscumrag​ @artsymaddie​ @bitchydecisions​ @direnightshade​ @reyloaddict55​ @kylorenswhxre​ @sunflowersinthesnow​ @mousemakingjam @the-unmanaged-mischief​ @drake-bells-waxed-penis @littleevilme13 @rennaissance-mama @materialisthicc​ 

[starlightstevie]

fic rec / november 2020

It’s officially Christmas season!! So excited to share with you these incredible fics from the past month - I have had so much fun reading them and I hope you do too!

(* is smut)

I can’t begin this without mentioning my absolute favourite fic of the month - @spacelabrathor‘s *all there’s left to do is run; I honestly can’t recommend this enough, Cee’s writing is unparalleled and she continues to make me fall ever more in love with this Asgardian himbo. Dothraki!Thor x reader: Horse warlord Thor finds you a captive in a raid of a desert village and gives you a choice. Freedom by a quick death or taking his hand and going with him, to be his. You choose life, and with it, a husband who is wild and fierce and more than you could have ever imagined.

this absolutely gorgeous snippet by @inthorantine

The Getaway by @mostly-marvel-musings Summary: After the events of Endgame, and with everything the both of you had gone through, you and Thor needed a chance to heal. And a break away from everything seemed like the logical first step to take...

*let me come home (series) by @evansweaters Masterlist Alpha!Steve x Omega!Reader: After years at a dead-end job shouldering everyone’s expectations for you but your own, you’re finally free to be whoever you want, go wherever you want. that is, until a series of unfortunate events strand you in amber’s end, where the sheriff – and notoriously unmated pack alpha – decides to take you in.

*Oopsy Daisy by @whateveriwant​ College!AU Steve x reader: In order to keep the animal shelter from closing, your sorority holds a car wash as a fundraiser. Besides cleaning cars all day, you have another goal in mind involving a certain football-playing frat member.

*Spa Treatment by @notyetneedcoffee​ Steve x reader: You planned a night of pampering for Steve..

*Something about the self by @peachyteabuck​ Steve x reader: Steve Rogers had been nothing but a gentleman. But now he was home, alone, the scent of your perfume lingering on the jacket he let you wear when the sun had gone down and the feeling of your lips against his cheek as you stepped inside your own apartment after the date unforgettable.

Patience by @xbuchananbarnes​ Steve x reader: Steve Rogers knows a lot about patience.

*The Rumors trilogy by @xbuchananbarnes​ Professor!Steve x reader: To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else’s heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.

Headcannon: Steve helps you with cramps by @captainsdolly​

*Slipped by @retrobuckybear​ Steve x reader: Steve finds out about the readers dirty secret...

*Sweet, St. Catherine by @punani​ Chris Evans x reader: You love the chain around his neck more than you care to admit.

*Dirty Game by @ozarkthedog​ Part 1 | Part 2 Andy Barber x reader: You’ve made Andy late for an event. He doesn’t like it.

*Virginal by @sweeterthanthis​ Andy Barber x virgin!reader: It all started with flirtatious glances across the office...

*Icarus by @savior-adriana​ Dean Winchester x reader: She was a succubus – a sex demon, held captive by the Winchesters and despite Sam’s desperate attempts to stop his brother from giving in, Dean loses the battle against his need for her.

Dean notices when you’re down by @luci-in-trenchcoats​ Dean x reader: The reader is having a rough morning and Dean helps her out.

*Gorgeous Green by @mummybear​ Dean x reader: After a hunt is over Dean the reader and Sam head back to the bunker where the reader has a date. With tension and teasing high between Dean and the reader will she be able to continue with the date?

*cockwarming with henry by @henchry​

*Size by @awhitewolfandhisvibraniumshield​ Henry x reader: Henry loves how tiny you are compared to him.

*shower sex with henry by @cloudystevie​

Delightfully Determined by @greezyscumbag​ Summary: Reader is Chibs’ niece, and Jax is determined to win her over.

*Too Good by @greezyscumbag​ Summary: You’ve always preferred blondes...

*Behave by @becs-bunker​ Summary: You try and convince Jax to stay with you a little longer.

Sleeping Over by @greezyscumbag​ Summary: Exhausted after helping Jax redecorate his house, he convinces you to stay the night.

After rewatching the series I just had to read more on this wonderful story.

The First Year of the Pevensies’s Rule by @athoughtfox

The different tempers of the Pevensie brothers by @nothinggold13

Lucy gets her first period but Susan is away so Peter has to help her by @athoughtfox

How the siblings are alike by @nothinggold13

things unchronicled by @athoughtfox One | Two | Three | Four

on motherlessness by @athoughtfox​

the siblings & their havens by @bloodybigwardrobe​

on growing up in narnia by @athoughtfox​

a savage place by @athoughtfox​

the siblings and not being in their territories by @bloodybigwardrobe​

*Cozy in the Cockpit by @dindjarindiaries Mando x reader: After the Crest suffers through an intense chase and crash, you and Din must figure out how to survive on a freezing planet—your low odds causing your mutual feelings to come to the surface.

*Headcannon: Pegging chubby Bucky by @ballyhoobarnes​

*She’s a Player by @peachyteabuck​ Carol Danvers x reader: Carol wants to play video games, but you want to play with her. somehow, you find a way to get what you both desire.

*hc: threesome with henry cavill and chris evans by @ballyhoobarnes​

*Heaven on Fuckin’ Earth by @savior-adriana​ Negan x reader: As Rick’s sister, Y/N knows Negan to be off limits. But as the two run into a herd of walkers and find themselves covered in blood, adrenaline rushing through their veins, ‘off limits’ is the last thing on their mind.

[pilothusband]

A lit torch to the woodpile high (part 3)

A Paz VIzsla Bartender!AU

Rating: M (this one gets spicy folks)

Pairing: Paz Vizsla x F!Reader

Warnings: Alcohol (they work in a bar), pining, death/grief mention, masturbation, fantasies of p in v sex, Paz puts himself in horny jail, light smut 

Word count: 3.1k

Description: This one is purely self-indulgent. You decide to up the ante and make Paz’s life (and other parts of him) hard. Harlow is a lil shit, but we love for for it.

Author’s note: I’m still not completely satisfied with this chapter, but I’ve been working on it for far too long. Lightly edited, unbeta’d. Please go here to be added to the taglist! This one goes out to my pal May. Missing you on my dash. Hope you see this update and enjoy it 🥰

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

He couldn’t get you out of his head. It was maddening.

It had been a long time since anyone had stirred these kinds of feelings up for him, and he doesn’t recall it ever hitting him like a freight train.

He used to think of life in two absolutes: Before he lost everything and After, when he had to pick up the pieces. Now he was starting to think there was more to it, that those absolutes were just parts of him.

If only he wasn’t such a miserable bastard. You were the light in a dark sky. Not just for him, for everyone. He saw the delighted smile that was plastered on Rick’s face after you walked in every day and asked him how his grandchildren were doing, if his wife’s knee was feeling any better.

Paz noticed the change in Harlow’s demeanor now that she had a friend who could build her up when she talked about her dreams. Hell, Madge snuck you food every chance she got, and she only ever did that for him.

He found himself lying awake in bed tonight, as usual, trying to calm the stream of thought that entered his head. Before you, he only could ever think about the ghosts of his past. People he had loved and lost.

But now? Now as he closed his eyes, he saw your eyes, sparkling with delight. Your lips, in a pout, then stretched over a brilliant smile.

The delicate curve of your neck and shoulder. Your ass. He groaned out loud. God, your ass was out of this world. The way it moved when you bent over to grab a dish towel from the bottom shelf. He always had to look away before his thoughts got away from him, or else his mind would wander and he would imagine snaking his arms over yours and caging you to the bar, rolling his hips into yours. You would wiggle your ass against him and throw your head back to see his reaction.

Fuck. Now he was hard. Every time this happened, he would either watch some porn or force himself to think of a woman he didn’t know, someone who he dreamed up in his head.

But no faceless stranger or actress could quite do it for him like you would. He could feel his self control crumbling as he reached into his boxer briefs and fisted his aching cock, taking it out and letting it sit heavy against his stomach, straining with need.

He ran a finger up the underside, imagining it was you teasing him, getting acquainted with how hot and hard he was for you. He let himself picture you, naked and in between his legs, stroking him gently, watching him come apart underneath you. Ideally, he’d flip you over and dive face first into your cunt, lapping wide stripes at your slick folds with his tongue, then sucking your clit into his mouth. He would wait until you’re mewling under him, then he’d plunge a finger into you, stretching you around his finger and adding another. He’d wait until you came in his mouth at least twice before he fucked you. He’d have you begging for his cock, so slick with need it dripped down your thighs.

In this part of the fantasy, you’re so feral for him, your eyes bright and wide looking up at him with hunger, that he acquiesces, and you climb onto his lap and bounce up and down on his cock.

He was stroking himself faster now, feeling so close to the edge. He grit his teeth, growling your name as he came all over his fist, spurts reaching up his stomach, almost all the way to his chest.

As soon as he came to his senses, he sighed, feeling disgusted with himself.

There was a moment in the bed of his truck that night, where you had stared at him, your gaze flickering down to his mouth as you licked your bottom lip. It was just a small flash of your tongue– but it gave him hope for a moment. He had hope that someone as beautiful and kind as you could see through the darkness within him, see the guy he used to be before he lost everything.

But that part of Paz died, along with the family he cared so deeply for. The remaining ones scattered to the wind, unable to carry on pretending like everything hadn’t changed.

He sighed deeply, getting up to wash the shame off himself. At least he’d sleep soundly tonight and dream of a reality where he could hold you in his arms.

Paz seemed to be in higher spirits lately, following your chat in his office. It wasn’t like he skipped into the room and had birds fluttering around his head, like a Disney princess, but he didn’t snap at anyone who made eye contact with him, so it was a noticeable difference.

That was the hot topic conversation of the day, especially for Harlow. She couldn’t get over the 360 change that seemingly happened overnight.

“So, did you doink the grumpy out of him or what?” Harlow asked. She was leaning over the bar, looking at you expectantly with her hands under her chin.

“Of course not!” You said, a little too loudly. “There has not, and will not be any doinking, ever.”

“This sounds like work appropriate conversation,” a deep voice drawled. 

You both spun around, not expecting to see him standing in the doorway, his eyebrow arched. He was clearly unimpressed.

“I’m going to go clean the bathrooms,” Harlow said, dashing out back. Fucking traitor.

You prayed to the almighty maker that the floor would open up and swallow you whole, but there was no such luck in store for you today.

“Hey Paz,” you said, trying to sound casual, as if Harlow hadn’t been talking about your non-existent sex life.

“Hey you,” he said, mimicking your tone. “I actually came out here to ask you if you could swap a shift with Harlow next Friday. I fucked up and scheduled her on a day she requested off. You’d get Sunday off in return.”

“Sure,” you agreed, nodding. “I don’t have any plans.”

“You don’t have any plans to ‘doink’ anyone that night?” He teased.

You could feel your face heating up in embarrassment.

“Not unless you know any willing volunteers.” 

Paz barked out a laugh.

“I might know a guy,” he said, a smirk etched on his handsome face.

You both cursed and thanked the powers above that a customer decided to walk in right at that moment. Of course it was Bob. He usually was the first to come in and one of the last to leave.

Not wanting to lose whatever contest was going on (real or perceived), you gave Paz a coy smile and leaned over the bar to take Bob’s order, making sure you poked your ass out further than necessary.

You couldn’t see Paz’s reaction, but when he exited without so much of a goodbye, you gave yourself an internal fist pump.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to (potentially) break a dress code at work, but in your defense it was hotter than the surface of the sun, and internal temperature of the bar only seemed to get higher as the night went on.

Also, maybe it would be an added bonus if you got to torture a giant, brooding bartender in the process.

You felt pretty proud of your decision to wear your thinnest bralette, squeeze into your smallest pair of shorts, paired with a t-shirt that was just a little too small.

Of course your car decided to stall 3 times on the way to work, and your AC was busted so you walked in 15 minutes late, already feeling like a frizzy, sweaty mess. Your entrance wasn’t as grand as you were hoping, feeling like your half-assed attempt at makeup had already melted off your face, and the black v-neck you wore was clinging to you in all the wrong places, mainly your sweaty back and right under your bra.

In your rush to clock in before the 20-minute mark, you crashed right into Paz, almost falling and landing on your ass. Paz, of course, barely moved a centimeter. His hand shot out, grabbing you by the shoulder to hold you steady.

“Woah there, small fry, be careful,” he murmured. His hand was large and warm. You had to take a deep breath to get a hold of yourself.

“Paz, I’m so sorry I’m late. My fucking car stalled out on the way and–” you started babbling, pushing your sweaty mane back, praying he couldn’t see the sweat stains on your shirt.

“It’s okay, shit happens. You need someone to look at your car? I know a guy.” He was leaning forwards to get a better look at you, looking concerned. You had trouble controlling how fast your heart was beating and your lungs felt like they couldn’t get enough air. It was plain bizarre, the affect this man had on you with a simple gesture.

I know a guy. Your cheeks felt warm remembering the last time he uttered that sentence.

You had expected him to get angry with you for being late. Hell, you remember the gruff tone he gave you on your first day when he said to show up on time.

“I- I um,” you were having a hard time coming up with words, too distracted by the sensation of Paz’s thumb rubbing soothing circles on your shoulder, brushing against your collar bone. Despite the heat, you felt goosebumps rise on your flesh and your nipples instantly pebbled. You stole a quick glance down to make sure it wasn’t obvious. Shit, it totally was.

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“Let me know if you change your mind,” he replied. Had his voice dropped a few octaves or were you just imagining it?  He removed his hand from your shoulder, much to your chagrin, and backed up a little, giving you a once-over.

“Go ahead and clock in and give yourself a couple minutes to get settled. It should be slow today,” he gave you a soft smile.

“Okay, thanks,” you said, giving him a shy smile in return.

It was about 3 hours into your 8 hour shift and it was dead. There wasn’t a single customer in sight. It wasn’t that surprising, given it was a Tuesday, but God were you bored. It was just you and Paz tonight, with Paz sending Madge home (with pay) and no one else being scheduled.

You didn’t really mind, though, figuring it was a good time to get to know Paz better. He was wiping the already clean bar down for the fifth time that night, really driving the bartender stereotype home.

“You’re going to start wearing the varnish down at this rate,” you laughed, gesturing at the rag in his hand.

He looked down, shaking his head in a playfully exasperated way and let out an embarrassed huff of laughter.

“Alright, how do you suggest we pass the time?”

“How about 20 questions?”

Paz immediately groaned in protest.

“Oh shut up, you big baby, I’ll answer first. Go ahead,” you cocked your chin at him. “Got any questions you’re dying to ask me?”

“Why did you apply for a job here?”

Your first instinct was to deflect, but you did suggest this game, and figured you just had to bite the bullet and answer honestly.

“To be honest, I still haven’t figured out what I want to do,” you explained. “I know, kind of pathetic for someone my age. I took a bartending class at the local adult learning center, got a certificate and just kind of walked in here and asked for an application on a whim.”

Paz could sense your discomfort, how you were ashamed that you hadn’t found your way yet. It was something he could identify with, in a way.

“That’s not pathetic at all,” he said, crossing his arms. “Plenty of people don’t know what they want to do at your age.”

You shrugged, not wanting to continue the subject.

“Boxers or briefs?”

Paz arched an eyebrow, his ever-present sign of judgement coming through.

“That’s what you’re dying to ask me?”

“No, but I figured I’d warm you up first,” you said, giving him a cheeky smile.

“Boxer briefs. Favorite color?”

“Blue. Where did you grow up?”

Paz’s casual expression faltered at the question. 

“Far away. I’d rather not get into it today, if you don’t mind.” The easy smile vanished from your face, replacing it with a nod of understanding.

“That’s totally fine, Paz. I’m sorry if I overstepped,” you sat down at a table, and gestured at the chair across from you, signaling him to sit down. You wanted him to feel at ease around you.

“You and your apologies,” Paz said, a look of fond disbelief on his face. “You have nothing to apologize for, mesh’la.”

A beat of silence passed, waiting for Paz to think of a question. You wanted to ask him what that word he had called you meant, but you had a feeling he would dodge the question.

“Who were you and Harlow talking about yesterday?” Paz rested his chin in his hand, giving you a shit-eating grin. He must have known the answer already, given the smug look on his face.

You felt the color drain out of your face. 

“Why do you want to know so badly?” You countered. In the back of your mind, you thought you probably shouldn’t have talked back to your boss, but his smile didn’t waver. In fact, it only got wider.

“That doesn’t answer my question, sweetheart,” he drawled, stretching his legs and crossing one over the other.

“Harlow,” you thought of a way to word this without incriminating yourself or your friend. But screw it, she had opened her big mouth in the first place. “Harlow thinks there’s something going on between you and me.”

You briefly wondered if his facial muscles were used to this kind of workout, with the grin that refused to let up.

“And your answer was basically, ‘ew no’, ouch,” he chuckled.

“It’s not like– ugh. Fuck you.” You hid your face in your hands. He laughed harder. You had to do something to flip this around, gain back a little power over the situation.

Oh. An evil thought entered your brain. You removed your hands from your face and smirked. Paz was still grinning, but you saw a hint of fear in his eyes.

“Pray tell, what would you have preferred I said?”

Paz leaned back in his chair and regarded you for a moment. It seemed you had thrown him through a loop. You couldn’t help but feel pleased with yourself.

But then he leaned forward, placing both of his large hands on the table, a hungry look in his eyes.

“You can say whatever you want to Harlow,” he said, his voice even but significantly huskier than usual. “But I’d prefer it if you didn’t lie to yourself.”

It felt like your heart was going to beat out of your chest any second now. You weren’t sure if he was being serious and it was making your head spin.

A sound came from the kitchen, snapping you both out of the moment. You sprung apart, despite having a table between your bodies.

“Okay lovebirds, I’m heading home.” It was Madge, standing by the kitchen doors, snickering at your antics.

“Night, Madge,” Paz called. 

You waved feebly and offered a weak “goodnight” at her retreating figure.

It had been too quiet since she had left. Paz seemed unwilling to continue the conversation, opting to brood silently. You muttered something about getting a head start on inventory and retreated into the dusty storage closet to pretend you were counting inventory. Though, you didn’t bring a pen and paper with you, so really you just went out back to stare at a bunch of kegs and liquor bottles, hoping they would miraculously answer all of the questions that were whirring through your brain.

You must have been staring at a bottle of Hennessy for at least a full 5 minutes when the door opened. Paz looked absolutely wrecked. His hair was mussed up, as if he had been running his fingers through it. His chest was heaving as if he had just sprinted a mile.

“Paz.” His name came out of your mouth like a prayer. You weren’t sure what you were asking of him, but you knew you needed him to act.

He stepped closer, slowly, as if he was afraid the floor would open up from under his feet.

“Tell me to stop.” Paz was just inches away now, caging you into the shelves behind you with his arms.

“What if I don’t want you to stop?” You asked, tipping your chin up to look at him.

He growled and tangled his fingers in your hair, kissing you with fervor.

Despite the ferocity of his kiss, his lips were so soft, so pliant. You moaned and licked into his mouth needing to taste him. Paz moaned, pushing you into the shelves further. 

“You drive me crazy,” he panted, pressing his forehead to yours. You responded by capturing his bottom lip between your teeth, pulling him back to your mouth. You were rewarded with a low groan and a push of his hips.

He was hard. That knowledge sent you into a haze. You needed him closer. Your arms went around his shoulders, kneading and pulling him in. He broke the kiss and peppered smaller kisses on your jaw, then down your neck.

“You wear these tiny little shorts and tight shirt to torture me?” He asked, already knowing the answer. He nibbled at your collar bone, hitting a spot that had you throwing your head back against the shelves.

“Yes,” you chuckled breathlessly.

“Mmm, knew it,” he answered, running his hands down your back, down to your ass, giving it a generous squeeze that had you mewling.

“I’ve been hard all fucking day, seeing you waltz around in those shorts, with your nipples hard, begging to be sucked.”

He rubbed his thumb over one of your nipples, causing it to pebble. Paz swallowed your gasp with his mouth, giving you another searing kiss.

Reality came rearing its ugly head in the form of the front door opening. Paz huffed and pressed his forehead to yours, hands coming around your hips to help you off the shelf.

“Duty calls,” he sighed, reaching his hand down into his jeans to adjust himself. Your mouth watered at the sight.

Paz exited the closet, strolling out and greeting the customer as if nothing had just happened, while you stole a few moments to yourself to get your bearings.

It was going to be a long night.

Taglist: @tenderclio @softdin @recklessworry @cannedsoupsucks @pocket-pudding @simping-for-clones @gallowsjoker @idiotonastar @seratoninforyouseratoninforme @devanthus @legally-a-bastard @my-awakened-ghost @comphersjost @princessxkenobi @sheresh0y​ @starlite41​

[guynamedultimax]

What if Kirby had a traditional fighting game?

Listen, I know I should’ve done more “FNF fighting game characters” but i doubt anyone cared for that, and even then I lost a bit of interest, so if you actually cared sorry about that, you can still come up with whatever you want for the characters I didn’t talk about!

That being said, I think all Kirby fans here know Kirby Fighters 2. Personally speaking most of it was just the same as Kirby Fighters Deluxe BUT there were five playable Dream Friends. FIVE. Priority to the Copy Abilities a bit too high, isn’t it HAL? Sometimes it feels a bit barebones if you ask me. So I’m here to discuss what would a non-platform Kirby fighting game be.

THE GAMEPLAY

It’s the same as any basic fighting game, there isn’t really that much that the Kirby franchise can offer to make the genre a bit more varied, and that’s mostly due to the fact that Kirby makes friends wherever he goes and combat is pretty much straightforward in these platforming games, the crazy stuff comes from learning specific moves with each copy ability/character in the games and that’s also true for this game.

THE PLOT

I have quite a few ideas for how this can go:

-It’s a “what if” re-telling of Kirby Star Allies where Hyness’ ritual (somehow) also causes space-time rifts across the entire universe to be generated, pulling in Kirby villains from previous games but also allies, which would ALSO explain Dream Friends in the game’s canon a bit more properly.

-It happens in an AU. Plot would basically be Kirby Battle Royale’s but instead of shooting a loadshit of Kirbies onto Kirby, Dedede would just call upon all of their friends to fight for that cake before things escalate and Dedede loses control of the tournament to greater evils, forcing him to work with Kirby to stop the threat, be it old or new.

-Another AU idea but this time it’s original/based on Milky Way Wishes. Galactic NOVA appears every thousand years above Pop Star’s skies, and everyone tries to fight for the right to get the wish. Villain wouldn’t necessarily be ONLY Marx though, most of the Kirby villains could easily win against him if they get to NOVA and get their wish granted. Which means yes, all plots happen at once and Kirby has to deal with everyone at once.

-The least interesting idea: it’s Kirby Fighters 2′s plot but without tag team duos and with all Kirbies replaced with the roster.

THE ROSTER

Now we’re about to have some fun.

RETURNING CHARACTERS: The Dream Friends (and Kirby, of course)

-First up, all Dream Friends are coming back. You don’t even need to change their movesets that much, just add/tweak things, but just for funsies (and for a specific reason too) we’ll also give them specific copy abilities or more than one to categorize them.

-Kirby is the specific reason. He has the same moveset as his Smash Bros incarnation, although he incorporates more copy abilities (and also super powerful stuff like the Star Rod that he usually uses in endgame fights) in it now due to being a traditional fighting game. And yes, he still has his inhale. Using it will have the inhale be replaced by another move in-game, the closest one to a “neutral special” in the opponent’s arsenal. His copy ability is therefore, Smash Bros. And since the game has multiple super moves, we can make his gimmicks from the Kumazaki games the super moves: his level 1 would be a random Super Copy Ability from Return to Dreamland (cutscene is random everytime but damage is always the same), his level 2 would be using the Robobot Armor to stomp foes around, ending with a giant ground pound/fist to the ground and his level 3 is Hypernova Kirby due to the inhale being one of his most unique properties.

-Meta Knight and Dedede will also have heavy Smash influences but they’ll also use techniques from most of their boss fights, such as Meta Knight splitting himself in four clones temporarily for an attack or Dedede actually pulling out an axe instead of his hammer for some attacks based on his Triple Deluxe incarnation. Their copy abilities would formally be Sword and Hammer but with heavy Smash Bros inspiration. Meta can also call in for the Meta Knights to help him in one of his unique super moves. They’d all be there except for Sailor Dee and Captain Vul (one’s an alternate costume and the other is never seen outside of dialogue text).

-Bandana Waddle Dee’s moveset incorporates both Spear and Parasol, but due to the Spear being his most used tool he’ll be categorized with that.

-Marx is the first character with Unique as its own copy ability due to his arsenal being entirely based on his boss fight. Inhaling Unique characters doesn’t always allow Kirby to get copy abilities but when it happens he usually has their most basic move replacing the inhale. Gooey is in the same situation, but i have no idea what would Kirby get from him as an ability since he’s technically player 2 in the Dark Matter trilogy’s first 2 games. Rick, Kine and Coo would technically be categorized as Unique only because they have Fire, Water and Wind in their moveset. You could say they’d be stance characters while Marx is a zoner and Gooey a rushdown character.

-Dark Meta Knight is categorized as Mirror, and Adeleine (with Ribbon as an assist of course) is Artist. Daroach would be Animal, which is missing since its debut in Squeak Squad, as far as I can remember, but he naturally still retains his moveset of calling the Squeaks to help him.

-It’s pretty easy to categorize Magolor as ESP, and Taranza as Spider, while I have no idea what would Susie’s ability be even. Spark? She is mostly around in the Robobot Armor to be fair. The Three Mage-Sisters would be treated equally to the Animal Friends

THE NEWCOMERS

-NAGO, CHUCHU & PITCH: The other set of Animal Friends. I theorize a moveset revolving around the Cleaning ability like in Star Allies would be easy to make, although it can also incorporate moves from other abilities that have been in Dream Land 3.

-CHEF KAWASAKI: I think it’s safe to say this one is pretty easy to do just like the returning Dream Friends. He has a unique moveset in comparison to Chef Kirby that also has him use Kirby’s Final Smash from Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

-LOLOLO & LALALA: Aside from pushing boxes and Gordos they can be the Ice Climbers of the game, and most importantly one of their super moves could have them fuse into their original form in the anime to reference that further.

-SHADOW KIRBY: A clone (in terms of moveset) for Kirby that lacks the inhale ability and has more attacks based on his appearances in Amazing Mirror (and also on Kirby’s unique ability to split in four in these games) and the Kirby Fighters spinoffs. Simple as it is.

-THE MIDBOSSES: They all play the same as their fights too, so doing a paragraph for each of them would be a bit redundant. I chose to add minibosses in because most of them are pretty iconic among Kirby enemies and some of them are also technically friends of Kirby’s. I picked Bonkers (whose coconut throwing and some special moves could make him different enough from Dedede if you ask me), Mr. Frosty (also because we don’t have an Ice-based character in the game), Buggzy (which I can see being the ultimate grappler), King Doo (because we don’t actually have a Waddle Doo in the roster and he’s technically not only their king but also the most unique of them) and Grand Wheelie (look, I like Wheel as an ability ok? it’s like playing as Sonic in a Kirby game)

-KNUCKLE JOE: Taking stuff from both his Star Allies moveset and his Assist Trophy from Ultimate PLUS a few references to the anime and you have the ultimate Shoto character in the Kirby franchise. Ryu mains, this is the character for you.

-GIM: Look, my three favorite abilities are Yo-Yo, Wheel and ESP, in no particular order, so I HAD to include him and the Grand Wheelie. Magolor covers for ESP enough. This lil fella looks more unique than most of the generic Kirby enemies and even among the copy ability ones he’s always been a bit of an oddball due to being a robot. The trickshots you can do with this copy ability make Gim perfect to camp, so he’d be a pretty good zoner as well.

-TAC: He’s been a Helper in Super Star where he also has an unique moveset. Expanding on it and on Tac being generally a copy ability thief could mean more copy abilities can be implemented in a moveset, probably even more than what Kirby can do. Also his design just screams potential to me.

DLC FIGHTERS

WAVE 1: Spinoff Dream Friends

Cuz these guys have been done dirty by Star Allies’ devs. Elline would be the other Artist character in the game and call for Claycia’s assistance in specific attacks. Prince Fluff would play mostly just like Kirby himself did in Kirby’s Epic Yarn and implement specific transformations in some attacks, ending with the tank one from the end of that game. Then we have Gryll. If you know how to make a Tetris/Puyo Puyo based character in a fighting game then good for you, I absolutely don’t know how. What I KNOW however is that she has a float like Peach’s in Smash Bros and I-No’s in Guilty Gear.

WAVE 2: Dream Villains

These guys would all play exactly like their boss fights. Hyness and Sectonia would remain mostly unchanged while Haltmann in terms of moveset is the same as Susie, just without every non-Robobot move that she has.

WAVE 3: Clash of Blades

THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S ALL ANIME SWORDFIGHTERS. They all pull from their boss fights, but Morpho Knight is gonna be a bit more unique compared to Galacta, Dark Meta and Meta Knight, having in the swordfighter equivalent of Akuma’s Raging Demon. Meanwhile, Dark Matter Swordsman and Galacta Knight are completely faithful to the source material, but they’d probably be a bit nerfed due to Galacta’s universe-breaking powers. (you can bet that if we get the remaining legendary heroes who sealed Void Termina in future games they’d be their own separate Wave 5 DLC pack)

WAVE 4: Revival of Old Faces

Nightmare and Drawcia are back and they’re here to stay! Their movesets don’t really need that much changes. Void however is an entirely different beast. He’d be a mix of Kirby, both Zero incarnations and Dark Matter. His design wouldn’t just be giant orb that switches between Kirby and Dark Matter faces, he’d be Kirby-sized and with legs and stubby lil arms like the pink puffball. And you can bet your ass he’d be broken as fuck.

SKINS

If a character’s appearance changed across the series’ history (like Marx Soul, Girl Blob Gooey, Shoppe Magolor, Mecha Knight, Dark Taranza/Taranza in the Super Kirby Clash games, Masked/Shadow Dedede, Anime!Knuckle Joe, Parallel/Pres. Parallel Susie, EX versions and so on) they’d just be an alternate skin/palette swap for the specific character. Multiple characters of the same species with little changes (like a normal Waddle Dee or Sailor Dee, or literally all Kirby colors including Keeby) are the same. I’m also debating on how Dark Mind would be a skin for Nightmare or if there’d be a skin inspired by him for the Dark Matter Swordsman. Zero and Zero Two would probably be turned into palette swaps/outfits for Void (imagine a white Kirby cosplaying as Zero Two that’d be so cute lol).

ATTACKING ASSIST CHARACTERS

Characters who appear in other characters’ attacks. Like the aforementioned Squeaks, Meta Knights and Claycia. Normal Dark Matter would appear in DM Swordsman’s attacks in some capacity outside of the eye laser and the Gordo Throw would return from Dedede’s previous Smash incarnations alongside the Waddle Dee Throw from Brawl. And naturally Magolor can call in the Lor Starcutter for one of his super moves. I am actually considering giving Tac the ability to throw random items/enemies at opponents, with the Bomber being one of these. It’d be a very RNG attack with the Bomber being the best outcome, blowing on the opponent’s face.

HELPERS

All characters in the game can be called on for an Helper attack, that can help you in some form against the opponent by either damaging or tampering with the opponent or by having you get healed or with some buff. Outside from the playable roster enemies that give you copy abilities would also be Helpers, but the specific ones I’m not so sure on.

BOSSES

Characters you can fight in Arcade mode, in Story mode or in a specific Boss mode. There’d also be a Ganon’s Fury (Hyrule Warriors) inspired mode where you’d play as the bosses pitting them against each other. I specifically picked Dyna Blade, Whispy Woods, Landia, Star Dream, Kracko, Great Edge, Pyribbit, Ice Dragon, Fire Lion, Masher, Grand Mam, Metal General, Kibble Blade and Pon & Con.

STAGES

There’d be quite a lot of stages, but I haven’t thought out specific ones except for Green Greens, Butter Building, a Ripple Star stage, one for Dedede’s castle with stage cameos by Tiff, Tuff and Escargoon from the anime and every final boss’s fighting arena.

THE MUSIC

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is gonna be nothing compared to this one. We’re getting all the important music from all pre-Kumazaki games, all music from Kumazaki games and spinoffs, and online arrangements with focus on orchestral (Desolo Zantas), metal (GaMetal, of course) and EDM (Acid Notation, Qumu and various others), including stuff like Itoki Hana’s vocal arrangements. We’re going all out on this one.

Aaaaand that’s it. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Stay hydrated.

[neil-neil-orange-peel]

Streams of Consciousness

Considering the recent asks from @wat-the-cur, here are a couple of streams of consciousness I tried to write from Jeremy and Anne's POVs, about each other. This is an AU where they stay together and have a baby who just so happens to be Rick from TYO... Hope you enjoy! 😅

***

Anne is… the most exceptional woman I’ve ever met. Before her, everything was bleak and monotone, like my life was being broadcast in black and white and everyone was just laughing at me. No one understood me – no one took me seriously, either. It was all, “Oh, look, there’s Jeremy moaning about nuclear war again. I suppose he wants to sleep with a Russian soldier, is that it?” or, “Gosh, he’s so moody – I could never be close to someone as moody as that, his storm cloud of pessimism would probably make me off myself.” Everyone just saw me as a stereotype. Even my parents didn’t care for me… I mean, yes, they provided a roof over my head and food for my stomach while growing up… and, yes, they did pay for my education and gave me weekly allowance until I was twenty-one… and again, yes, my mother has always been obsessed with telling me she loves me, even when it wasn’t the time or the place and she was really killing my vibe. But they’ve never really known me, you know? Not like Anne does. They wanted me to “get a job” and “settle down” – they wanted me to become another cog in the capitalist machine and lose all my passion. They wanted me to smile when the bomb drops. But I can’t and I won’t. It wouldn’t be right, and it wouldn’t be proper. I want my existence to mean something. I thought Brenda was the answer once, I thought she loved me as much as I loved her and we were going to build our lives together as free spirits, travelling to wherever we wanted and speaking our minds without fear of repercussion. But Brenda decided stabbing my heart and chewing it up in front of me would be more fun for her, because she wanted to put me into my angry little box and never let me out. She didn’t want me to ever be anything more than what she and everyone else already sees me as. That’s why she ran away to Australia – the other side of the world, for goodness’ sake! – just to spite me further. And, yes, she might say that what we had together happened a very long time ago and she has a family now… but what about me? Why did no one ever consider me? Why did they all see me as some sort of doom puppet for them to watch and learn their wisdom from, but never interact with? Never love. Why didn’t anybody love me properly? But… everything’s alright now. Because Anne loves me and she understands – she understands what a cruel, cruel world we live in and that it’s up to us to rail against it. It was like she was the first person to pass by my cage and instead of laughing at me she stuck the key in the lock and let me out. I’ve never known anyone like her. She wanted to do it with me! Just like that! She didn’t hide herself from me, she listened to me… and she’s so beautiful. Every day, every smile, she’s completely bewitched me, and I don’t care. I really don’t! When she touches me, it’s like our souls are touching. Like no one else in the world can see us clearly, but we can see each other. And now we’re going to have a baby together and the baby is going to be the most loved child in the country- no, the world. And it doesn’t matter that mummy and daddy were “worried and concerned” or even that we had to get married in a rush… because she loves me! And I love her. And I promised her to her face that I’d stick by her and our child, even if we have to live out of dustbins in the street. Even if the bomb drops. Even when we’re both old and haven’t heard of any of the songs in the charts and our hair is grey and our skin all wrinkled. Even then I’m going to love her. And I know she’ll love me too. I smile more every day because of Anne; she saved me.

Jeremy! Where do I begin with Jeremy? He’s such a raw individual, so much passion and naked aggression – he’s so unashamed to let it all out, you know? Even when no one else is paying any attention. I couldn’t let a person like that slip by, not someone so artistically tortured. I mean, what kind of person would I be if I did? And you know, even from the offset, I thought he was cute. A little difficult to get a handle on at first – I wasn’t sure if I was helping him or annoying him for a moment or two, but I didn’t sense any need to go. I don’t think he was used to explaining the thoughts in his head to people, to be honest. Maybe they’d never asked. Everyone else at the party seemed so preoccupied with each other. I wanted to film them all, experience them properly… sleep with a few of them, if the mood fell that way… but I don’t know, when I noticed Jeremy, the others seemed to pale in comparison. For starters, he was the only one awake at the time, and he’s so photogenic. I just let him talk, I could see he needed to. I knew we’d formed something between us in those sand dunes; I could feel us getting more comfortable with one another. For a guy so full of fury for the world, he seemed awfully easy to tongue tie – and I wasn’t even speaking! That was when it hit me that I was going to sleep with him. I wanted to feel him inside me, feel all that tumultuous emotion rocking into me. I wanted to understand every part of him. To soothe him? Sure. But I was chasing a connection. I mean, no one else there really opened up like that, they were all putting on personas. Some of them wanted to parade around for my camera, half of them didn’t even notice me, but none of them reacted like Jeremy. None of them came out of their shell in that way. Maybe Jeremy hadn’t even meant to, but it had happened, nonetheless. In a way, I suppose I found that repressed Englishman he was trying to cover endearing – because he clearly wanted to be rid of it. So I helped him. And he complimented me in so many ways without even realising, just by being honest about how he felt. Just by being jittery and overwhelmed. Guys aren’t usually like that in my experience. Jeremy isn’t very good at hiding his feelings, the good and the bad, but I like that about him – I like that I don’t have to look too hard to see the love in his eyes. And honestly, I can’t really remember what my parents made of him when they were introduced because I was a bit preoccupied with the new life in my womb. All of those emotions he’d shared with me that day had created this. Our child. And they’re going to be wonderful, the best thing to ever happen to me. I knew that as soon as I saw the awe on Jeremy’s face at the news – I wish I had a polaroid of it sometimes. Jeremy loves me and he made that quite clear early on – he falls hard and he falls fast. At first, I felt I had to be careful with him, careful I didn’t hurt him with the wrong word here or there… but now that I know him better, I think he’s more secure and trusting. Of me, anyway. It was the morning after the party, when Eleanor’s shrieks woke us up and we realised we’d passed out together – an entwined mass of limbs, jumper and flannel – and we saw each other in those vulnerable half-conscious moments, that was when I think we knew. We’d already slept together and yet here we were again, really sleeping together. I mean, only couples do that, right? I remember the most handsome, quiet smile crossing his face when he saw I was there, next to him. He touched something inside me and he’s still doing it now. And you know, I never imagined when I first saw the guy angrily painting the grass the morning before that I’d marry him and have his child. I never knew we’d get past the surface of conversation and the casualness of sex. But we did. And I love him, I truly do. That’s something real and something profound, not just for the camera, and I can’t wait to see what our lives will turn out like together. It’s going to be perfect.

[auroraluciferi]

if anyone in this time of deep concern of his health is interested about what a worthless piece of shit Prince Philip is, here is a very brief list of 90 racist, sexist, and incredibly ignorant things the man has said in the last century:

1. "Ghastly." Prince Philip's opinion of Beijing, during a 1986 tour of China.

2. "Ghastly." Prince Philip's opinion of Stoke-on-Trent, as offered to the city's Labour MP Joan Walley at Buckingham Palace in 1997.

3. "Deaf? If you're near there, no wonder you are deaf." Said to a group of deaf children standing near a Caribbean steel drum band in 2000.

4. "If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes." To 21-year-old British student Simon Kerby during a visit to China in 1986.

5. "You managed not to get eaten then?" To a British student who had trekked in Papua New Guinea, during an official visit in 1998.

6. "You can't have been here that long – you haven't got a pot belly." To a British tourist during a tour of Budapest in Hungary. 1993.

7. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" Asked of a Scottish driving instructor in 1995.

8. "Damn fool question!" To BBC journalist Caroline Wyatt at a banquet at the Elysée Palace after she asked Queen Elizabeth if she was enjoying her stay in Paris in 2006.

9. "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian." The Prince's verdict of a fuse box during a tour of a Scottish factory in August 1999. He later clarified his comment: "I meant to say cowboys. "I just got my cowboys and Indians mixed up."

10. "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still drying out Windsor Castle." To survivors of the Lockerbie bombings in 1993.

11. "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves." During a trip to Canada in 1976.

12. "A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone's working too much. Now that everybody's got more leisure time they are complaining they are unemployed. People don't seem to make up their minds what they want." A man of the people shares insight into the recession that gripped Britain in 1981.

13. "British women can't cook." Winning the hearts of the Scottish Women's Institute in 1961.

14. "It was part of the fortunes of war. We didn't have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking 'Are you all right - are you sure you don't have a ghastly problem?' You just got on with it!" On the issue of stress counselling for servicemen in a TV documentary marking the 50th Anniversary of V-J Day in 1995.

15. "What do you gargle with – pebbles?" To Tom Jones, after the Royal Variety Performance, 1969. He added the following day: "It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs."

16. "It's a vast waste of space." Philip entertained guests in 2000 at the reception of a new £18m British Embassy in Berlin, which the Queen had just opened.

17. "There's a lot of your family in tonight." After glancing at business chief Atul Patel's name badge during a 2009 Buckingham Palace reception for 400 influential British Indians to meet the Royal couple.

18. "If it has four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." Said to a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.

19. "You ARE a woman, aren't you?" To a woman in Kenya in 1984, after accepting a gift.

20. "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" To a wheelchair-bound Susan Edwards, and her guide dog Natalie in 2002.

21. "Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer!" On being offered the finest Italian wines by PM Giuliano Amato at a dinner in Rome in 2000.

22. "I would like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family." In 1967, asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union.

23. "If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" In a Radio 4 interview shortly after the Dunblane shootings in 1996. He said to the interviewer off-air afterwards: "That will really set the cat among the pigeons, won't it?"

24. "Oh, it's you that owns that ghastly car is it? We often see it when driving to Windsor Castle." To neighbour Elton John after hearing he had sold his Watford FC-themed Aston Martin in 2001.

25. "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion." At the opening of City Hall in 2002.

26. "A pissometer?" The Prince sees the renames the piezometer water gauge demonstrated by Australian farmer Steve Filelti in 2000.

27. "Don't feed your rabbits pawpaw fruit – it acts as a contraceptive. Then again, it might not work on rabbits." Giving advice to a Caribbean rabbit breeder in Anguilla in 1994.

28. "You must be out of your minds." To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5 per cent a year, in 1982.

29. "Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant." At the 50th anniversary of the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme.

30. "Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species." Accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991.

31. "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" In the Cayman Islands, 1994.

32. "You bloody silly fool!" To an elderly car park attendant who made the mistake of not recognising him at Cambridge University in 1997.

33. "Oh! You are the people ruining the rivers and the environment." To three young employees of a Scottish fish farm at Holyrood Palace in 1999.

34. "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly." To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002.

35. "The French don't know how to cook breakfast." After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy – in 2002.

36. "And what exotic part of the world do you come from?" Asked in 1999 of Tory politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, whose parents are Jamaican. He replied: "Birmingham."

37. "Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease." On a visit to Australia in 1992, when asked if he wanted to stroke a koala bear.

38. "It doesn't look like much work goes on at this University." Overheard at Bristol University's engineering facility. It had been closed so that he and the Queen could officially open it in 2005.

39. "I wish he'd turn the microphone off!" The Prince expresses his opinion of Elton John's performance at the 73rd Royal Variety Show, 2001.

40. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" Prince Philip shocks Aboriginal leader William Brin at the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.

41. "Where's the Southern Comfort?" On being presented with a hamper of southern goods by the American ambassador in London in 1999.

42. "Were you here in the bad old days? ... That's why you can't read and write then!" To parents during a visit to Fir Vale Comprehensive School in Sheffield, which had suffered poor academic reputation.

43. "Ah you're the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then? Ha, ha! Well done." Meeting 14-year old George Barlow, whose invited to the Queen to visit Romford, Essex, in 2003.

44. "So who's on drugs here?... HE looks as if he's on drugs." To a 14-year-old member of a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002.

45. "You could do with losing a little bit of weight." To hopeful astronaut, 13-year-old Andrew Adams.

46. "You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean in 1966.

47. "The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined." While hosts made effort to greet a state visit to Brazil, 1968.

48. "During the Blitz a lot of shops had their windows blown in and sometimes they put up notices saying, 'More open than usual.' I now declare this place more open than usual." Unveiling a plaque at the University of Hertfordshire's new Hatfield campus in November 2003.

49 . Philip: "Who are you?"

Simon Kelner: "I'm the editor-in-chief of The Independent, Sir."

Philip: "What are you doing here?"

Kelner: "You invited me."

Philip: "Well, you didn't have to come!"

An exchange at a press reception to mark the Golden Jubilee in 2002.

50. "No, I would probably end up spitting it out over everybody." Prince Philip declines the offer of some fish from Rick Stein's seafood deli in 2000.

51. "Any bloody fool can lay a wreath at the thingamy." Discussing his role in an interview with Jeremy Paxman.

52. "Holidays are curious things, aren't they? You send children to school to get them out of your hair. Then they come back and make life difficult for parents. That is why holidays are set so they are just about the limit of your endurance." At the opening of a school in 2000.

53. "People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans." In 2000.

54. "Can you tell the difference between them?" On being told by President Obama that he'd had breakfast with the leaders of the UK, China and Russia.

55. "I don't know how they are going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield." After meeting students from Brunei coming to Britain to study in 1998.

56. "Do people trip over you?" Meeting a wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident in 2002.

57. "That's a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?" Discussing the tartan designed for the Papal visit with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie last year.

58. "I have never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing." Addressing a group of industrialists in 1961.

59. "It's not a very big one, but at least it's dead and it took an awful lot of killing!" Speaking about a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957.

60. "Well, you didn't design your beard too well, did you? You really must try better with your beard." To a young fashion designer at a Buckingham Palace in 2009.

61. "So you're responsible for the kind of crap Channel Four produces!" Speaking to then chairman of the channel, Michael Bishop, in 1962.

62. "Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practiced for a good many years." Address to the General Dental Council, quoted in Time in 1960.

63. "Tolerance is the one essential ingredient ... You can take it from me that the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance." Advice for a successful marriage in 1997.

64. "I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff." Commiserating about the standard of Buckingham Palace cuisine in 1962.

65. "I suppose I would get in a lot of trouble if I were to melt them down." On being shown Nottingham Forest FC's trophy collection in 1999.

66. "It makes you all look like Dracula's daughters!" To pupils at Queen Anne's School in Reading, who wear blood-red uniforms, in 1998.

67. "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing." Dismissing claims that those who sell slaughtered meat have greater moral authority than those who participate in blood sports, in 1988.

68. "Ah, so this is feminist corner then." Joining a group of female Labour MPs, who were wearing name badges reading "Ms", at a Buckingham Palace drinks party in 2000.

69. "Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don't you have a slogan: 'Kill a cat and save a bird?'" On being told of a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965.

70. "All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury." Bemoaning the rate of British tax in 1963.

71. "It is my invariable custom to say something flattering to begin with so that I shall be excused if by any chance I put my foot in it later on." Full marks for honesty, from a speech in 1956.

72. "Why don't you go and live in a hostel to save cash?" Asked of a penniless student.

73. "In education, if in nothing else, the Scotsman knows what is best for him. Indeed, only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education." Said when he was made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in November 1953.

74. "If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested." Of his daughter, Princess Anne.

75. "They're not mating are they?" Spotting two robots bumping in to one another at the Science Museum in 2000.

76. "I must be in the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane." Philip did not approve of the noise Concorde made while flying over the Buckingham Palace.

77. "The only active sport, which I follow, is polo – and most of the work's done by the pony!" 1965

78. "It looks like a tart's bedroom." On seeing plans for the Duke and then Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park.

79. "Reichskanzler." Prince Philip used Hitler's title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl during a speech in Hanover in 1997.

80. "We go into the red next year... I shall probably have to give up polo." Comment on US television in 1969 about the Royal Family's finances.

81. "Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!" Showing his impatience to be fed at a dinner party in 2004.

82. "I thought it was against the law these days for a woman to solicit." Said to a woman solicitor.

83. "You're just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don't trust me and I don't trust you." Said to Sir Rennie Maudslay, Keeper of the Privy Purse, in the 1970s.

84. "What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer." Response to a comment at a small-business lunch about how difficult it is in Britain to get rich.

85. "This could only happen in a technical college." On getting stuck in a lift between two floors at the Heriot Watt University, 1958.

86. "I'd much rather have stayed in the Navy, frankly." When asked what he felt about his life in 1992.

87. "It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from her school art lessons" On being shown "primitive" Ethiopian art in 1965.

88. "You're not wearing mink knickers, are you?" Philip charms fashion writer Serena French at a World Wildlife Fund gathering in 1993.

89. "My son...er...owns them." On being asked on a Canadian tour whether he knew the Scilly Isles.

90. "Well, that's more than you know about anything else then." Speaking, a touch condescendingly, to Michael Buerk, after being told by the BBC newsreader that he did know about the Duke of Edinburgh's Gold Awards in 2004.

[anubisisms]

R S and T?

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

Oooh, now this is an interesting question! I think I have different inspirations according to the genre I'm writing. Some fanfic writers I consider an influence are GC4life, whose work has really helped me figure out a balance between plot and character in longfics, and Aphrodaisyacs, who has hugely shaped my portrayals of villain characters, particularly BNHA ones, and with tone-balancing in fics that are a mix of humour and angst.

For published authors, I would definitely say Rick Riordan has influenced my internal dialogue writing, particularly in terms of humour, and I can give credit to Leigh Bardugo for helping me conceptualise how to introduce and flesh out fantasy worlds, and meld worldbuilding in so it feels natural.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

Oh BOY, *rubs hands together* for BNHA there are a lot, whether it's the LOV as family, todofam angst or any amount of deep dives into pro heroics and the society. They're all so good. I want more of all of them.

Speaking more generally, I adore time travel, arranged marriage and well executed enemies to lovers fics. I'm always a slut for a fantasy au too!

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I'm not a fan of any trope that gives a character an unbelievably exaggerated sad backstory. ESPECIALLY if there is a character in canon with similar trauma who gets ignored or portrayed as the one who is 'suffering less'. I'm talking about the stories where a kid loses the people they love, and gets abused by everyone in their life, and is homeless, and gets bullied, and on and on and ON. I really dislike it, because it feels like you're playing a game of trauma-jenga, stacking it as high as you can just for the fun of it.

The main reason I dislike it is because it feels cheapening. Authors who write those fics usually don't do research and don't explore that trauma in a complex way or even try to go in-depth about half the things involved. They do it so they can have an uwu sad character. It grates on me a lot.

Perhaps one of my most hated iterations of this is the 'abusive Mitsuki' trope in BNHA. Don't bring it anywhere close because it's annoying to me. Especially because fics with that trope tend to ignore or lighten the impact of the canonical and systemic abuse suffered by Todoroki. Like oh yeah, you're canonically a traumatised abuse victim but hush, my fake ultra-horrible backstory for this other character is more important.

No hate to anyone who writes it, of course, people can write what they want, but I hate fics like that with a passion. No clue why, I just do.

Welp, apologies for the rant at the end but thank you for the ask Nerd!

[emptypaperbagg]

an idea for an omori au

HI HI HI, sorry bUT HEAR ME OUT,, GHOST SUNNY AU. I’ve had so many little ideas for this popping up into my head lately, and I can no longer contain myself. I know that Omori is more psychological than paranormal, but I’m a sucker for ghost aus, sorry.

warning for spoilers and crack

Events take place after sometime after the Bad Ending of the game.

Sunny is still in Faraway for some reason, and he can’t figure out as to why. No one can see him or talk to him, and he can’t touch the world around him. Things in Faraway continue to go by, but Sunny doesn’t. He’s still here.

His friends aren’t here, nor is Mari.

He eventually settles with watching what everyone has been doing. After all, it seems it’s the only thing he can do.

They all appear to be sadder than before. Tired even. But they all continue on with their everyday lives.

He finds that Aubrey has been continuing to hang out with the Hooligans. Sometimes Kel would join them, but he’s usually playing basketball with some other kids. Hero left to go back to college some time ago. Basil’s staring at him.

At first, he thought that Basil was just staring at something behind him, but no. He’s staring right at him. Terrified.

Sunny opens his mouth to say something, but Basil let’s out a small sound between a screech and a scream. Then, the blond turns away, mumbling about something along the lines of this is all your imagination and you’re seeing a therapist for this kind of thing. When he turns around, Sunny is still there.

So now he’s more terrified. That’s great.

There are many different ways to execute this part, but eventually they both figure out that Sunny’s a ghost and Basil is apparently the only one who can see him.

So then they spend time together, I guess, mending the friendship that they had long ago. 

This part is important, I feel, because Sunny eventually becomes friends with the other’s again and was able to connect with them in a way during the game, but when it came to Basil, it wasn’t really all that great. Yes, Sunny saves him, but they didn’t really have that moment where they connect again.

Eventually, Basil starts asking him questions. “How are you here?”, “Why are you still here?”, and “Why did you do it?”

He doesn’t have answers.

Story progresses, Sunny tries to help Basil talk to the other’s again and bring everyone back together. They succeed. Everyone gets like +5 happiness. Yippee.

But Sunny is still there. He’s not supposed to be here. The two of them realize that Sunny has been here for a reason. -5 happiness.

The Truth. The truth needs to get out, and only Basil can tell them.

But Basil doesn’t want to tell them. He can’t. He knew that it was selfish, but he was afraid of their reaction, what they’d think. Would they think any worse of them? Things had already starting to look better for everyone. Most importantly, he didn’t want to lose Sunny. Not again. It’s the right thing to do, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.

So beep boop, some drama here and there, dump in some angst, mix until fully combined, snack on the excess if you want, and vualá, you have an excellent meal.

It takes a lot of time for Basil to come into terms with this again, of course, but he eventually agrees.

He does the opposite of whatever Rick Astley told us and says goodbye, but more dramatic.

Truth get’s told aaAAAND THEN Basil get’s the shit beaten out of him the rest of them go through what the other fanfics do post good ending mINUS SUNNY and the hospital.

Then they live happily even after. Probably.

Feel free to flesh out this idea or change things, I know I don’t have the brain to do so. My apologies for the crack as well, I’m tired. I’ve contemplated over whether or not I’ll write something more serious and organized for this or maybe draw out some of it, but I thought nah and wrote this instead.