#'it wont kill you in a way youll understand'

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Why is pulling an all dayer harder than pulling an all nighter

[mouthpoisons]

on viktor's doomed destiny as the magical harbinger of the apocalypse, sky being a secret mastermind, the butterfly effect, the message within the pattern, the arcane being a sentient manifestation of The Narrative and pushing everyone towards tragedy

so this started out as a halfhearted joke post that went something along the lines of ''maybe sky is such a nothing character because she was always the arcane's y/n x viktor self insert and not just after the hexcore eats her'', then it turned into me spending like a whole day examining sky scenes through this lens and acquiring a massive tin foil hat about it, and then while paying attention to sky i also started viewing the arcane as a whole as something conscious, malignant, the plot of the show itself manipulating and urging everyone, but especially viktor, towards it's end goal of him becoming heimerdinger's world ending mage. and then This post happened. because i was initially writing an analysis on sky, this post is mostly me talking about sky. i started Realising Other Shit about halfway through and i simply wont be rewriting what ive already put down. but the more i think about it and go back and rewatch parts of the show, the more this makes perfect sense and i'll definitely be coming back with a part two. part 2 will likely be about jinx because that ''use your explosive potential and maybe you can change your story'' line from vi, which we can only assume is directed at her sister, is doing cartwheels in my brain

this is massive and long and messy and its going under a readmore. enter if u dare

disclaimer because theres gonna be people who Seriously hate this and might wanna assume things about me because of it but i hope youll understand im coming from a place of pure story and meta analysis. this theory is unfortunately going to assume theres a manipulative ulterior motive to Everything sky says and does, and this is not written in any way to spite people who like sky as simply the sweet doomed lady who has a crush on viktor, skyvik shippers, etc. i honestly just think she is currently the worst written character in the show by miles and that that... cant be it. trying to attach any secret meaning to what she went through and her role in the story beyond ''fridged woman'', i promise, is out of love, despite what im about to spend a billion words accusing her of. i deeply want her ass to secretly be part of the craziest reveal in the show.

if anything im about to say stays one of the most crackpot theories about the show ever written, then i will firmly be a member of the ''she deserved better'' camp, in which you can all beat me with hammers if you want. anyway lets get right into it.

i think sky has been some kind of arcane manifestation who scouted out, has been keeping an eye on, and has urging viktor along the path he's been on the entire show, and not just after the hexcore ''killed'' her. i believe she is essentially another herald who foreshadows some of viktor's major character developmental moments, that she is the butterfly effect, that the arcane is a conscious character and she is one of the vessels it uses to manipulate the show's story towards it's end goal, which very much seems to be setting up viktor as a world ender. i also believe that she may have had one major instance of manipulating the trajectory of jayce's story in service of this

before i continue i need you to know i tried to pull up a wiki page about her just now incase theres any Extra Lore that hasnt appeared in the show and apparently all anyone could be bothered to write down for her is ''Viktor's assistant with an unrequited admiration for the scientist.'' lmfao. if there Is any missing lore, behind the scenes stuff, etc, id love to hear it, whether it supports or contradicts any of this.

ok then, whatever, what do i remember about sky. shes from zaun, shes viktors assistant, they knew eachother or at least met that one time when they were children, she's been doing her own private research, and she has a massive crush on/admiration for him. viktor doesnt pay her too much attention until she ''dies'' and then he is consumed by guilt surrounding her death. sky also has a pattern of becoming more and more ''relevant'' to viktor as the show goes on, and a lot of people have criticised this as a form of reconning her fridging, and yeah if all of this is bullshit then it might be, but if not, wow. i also vaguely remember hearing something about amanda overton being very proud of sky's character which... right now? youre kidding me. if literally any of this is true? holy shit, i get it.

as a last bit of additional context; this theory was also super inspired the other theory that the corrupted spot heimerdinger noticed at the base of the hexgate is where some of viktor's blood fell as he... divinely received the idea to build the hexcore? (that's going to be such a fucking facepalm moment for all of us in retrospect if im onto something here lol). it's one of the things that really got me thinking. he shouldn't have been in any way magical at that point. my theory is in essence a massive continuation of the idea that arcane forces have been having an effect on viktor for longer than we realise.

i'll pitch this theory primarily through some scene analysis, and mostly from season 1 since everyone else has ''wait is she being Bad here'' season 2 sky analysis on lock, most of us agree she's being strange and ominous after her ''death''. i might be the first insane person on earth to pitch that she's also being strange and weird Before her ''death''

i'll start with what might be one of my personal smokiest of guns and biggest Insane In Retrospect Moments, which has a lot of the core thematic stuff shoved into it and laid out quite plainly, then im just gonna go wherever the flow takes me. im not an essay guy. this will be messy and im sorry in advance.

in this scene, viktor is messing around with the hexcore. sky is watching behind him, and remarks that it's beautiful. viktor expresses his frustration at not being able to figure out the device, sky responds ''you will'', asks to walk him home with her, and he declines, saying that he's going to keep working on it through the night. sky doubles down, asking ''again? yknow there's always tomorrow, right?''. he dismisses her and she leaves. pretty much immediately, viktor passes out coughing up blood, which merges with the hexcore.

viktor has been established as a wildcard and a risk taker who doesnt like unnecessary stalling and delays. at this point in the show his health is starting to take a heavy toll on him. jayce has recently hit the pause button on releasing their new hextech tools (more on that in a bit). he's incredibly frustrated with the overall situation and is in tunnel vision mode. my theory is that sky very purposefully asked him to take his time, to give it a rest, knowing that he would do the opposite. this is an example of some potential reverse psychology sky demonstrates a couple times during the show. the other one is a very prominent scene in s2e6 that also got me Thinking about all this, the part where she says to viktor ''you once told me, all systems have limits'', and he responds by asserting vander is worth the risk. course vander's continued presence in the camp as viktor tries to heal him kickstarts the rest of the horribleness that happens that episode, which in the end makes viktor ''understand'' the futility of the human condition, and perhaps if he hadnt just gotten shot by jayce, wouldve been the moment he becomes the apocalypse wizard.

in this s1 scene though... she didnt really have to flex it here. the purpose this specific example would theoretically serve would be to piss off the audience upon rewatch, because we all thought she was just flirting lol

her assuring him that he will figure it out, and then a massive advancement happening instantly, is crazy. it's as if she knew what was going to happen, as if she heralded it into being. this is also her first speaking scene in the show which feels significant especially when it comes to retrospect potential

next i wanna talk about the scene where she may have, in a such a blink-it-and-youll-miss way, manipulated jayce's trajectory. this is also her first appearance in the show period

before jayces progress day speech, he asks viktor to come onto the stage with him, ''we're partners'', and sky adjusts her glasses while looking in on in the background. viktor declines, anxious about the idea of being on stage, and sky hands jayce his script.

jayce confidently reads from the script for a bit, but then changes his mind about what he wants to say, and this is when he hits the brakes on unveiling the new hextech devices, suddenly disappointing both viktor and mel, who he sought out for advice on the matter just a couple of scenes prior. his mind is assumedly comfortably made up about this. hell, enough to write a script, set up a presentation, and for mel and viktor to also be confident about how the presentation will go. the decision was extremely on-the-spot; it's a very awkward moment as jayce freezes mid sentence, we get several shots of the hexgem behind him, strange noises start chiming in the background (which do sound a lot like the mic feedback that's also going in that scene, but these ones seem.. different? certainly deliberately placed), and he suddenly decides against the tech demo. the shots of the hexgem behind jayce have the potential to be ominous as fuck in hindsight. certainly ominous enough to snap me out of simply writing a theory about sky, to thinking about the arcane's influence on the characters and plot as a whole.

this is a possible example of sky, as some kind of arcane avatar, manipulating the plot, with the goal of creating tension between jayce and viktor, and frustrating viktor with the stalling of their technology. after the progress day speech, jayce remains a lot more safety-cautious, and is given his councillor positon, which furthers the rift between them. viktor states all of this in their brief argument in the scene at the hexgate, before he coughs up blood over the railing and has his vision of the hexcore. within the context of this theory, it really feels like the arcane kind of saying to itself, ''all according to plan, he's ready for the next big thing.''

this now. on a personal I Was A Disabled Loner Kid Too Once level this scene has always bugged me and i never quite understood why most people seem to take it as ''aw their first bonding moment''

viktor cant play with the other kids because of his disability, so he hangs out on his own and builds toys. sky comes over, literally looks down on him from a cliff, seems very curious about what he's doing but only briefly, and is called away by her friends, leaving with a smile, as quickly as she arrived. she... acknowledges him, but that's about it. this scene is significant to my theory in that she appears, does her little bit, and then viktor meets singed, who shows actual sustained interest in him and his toy boat, and lets him hang out so they can ''be loners together''. this is a seed planting moment in so many ways and it even threatens to come full circle next week if singed is going to revive viktor again. this very well may well have been when the arcane, through sky, ''chose'' viktor, or at least decided that his story is to be put into motion now, and set him on the path. he literally gets up and starts following his boat down a river.

i'm also pointing out the butterflies in this and jayce's flashback scenes. i dont have much to say about them that a lot of other people havent already especially since butterflies and insect imagery started popping up Everywhere for jayvik in season 2, but yeah *vague hand wave* im pointing them out.

pausing scene analysis for a moment to talk about the idea of viktor really being The Center Of All Of This, as caitlyn said in the act 3 trailer, before i go onto the next bit.

viktor, for this whole show, has been so unbelievably doomed, and it's ramped up to the nth degree in season 2. he's felt especially at the mercy of outside forces to the point where me and everyone else are starting to get real tired of the lack of agency the story is affording him. he becomes terminally ill, he rages against the dying of the light for a bit, but then shit gets scary and he makes jayce promise to destroy the hexcore (and let him die), he gets jinx nuked, jayce revives him explicitly against his wishes, comes back from time prison and kills him again, its a mess. its infuriating. i think that viktor's entrapment by the narrative, and everything becoming more hopeless and out of his hands, is going to be extremely important in act 3. that him giving the biggest Fuck You to his arcane destiny and tearing away from the narrative with claws and teeth is going to be the moment he becomes our machine herald.

i wrote a much shorter post about this earlier, but since then i've also become confident that the bad ending apocalypse wizard viktor himself is who sends jayce back to destroy the hexcore, effectively breaking the cycle and thrusting viktor's story into uncharted waters, which he will Gloriously Evolve above, but only after singed puts him through hell and fills him with resentment for jayce.

ok back to scene analysis

viktor has already come close to breaking free of his predetermined path before. in the context of this theory, viktor's beautiful hopeful triumphant moment, seemingly having a massive breakthrough in rising above his fate and body, outrunning the boat, being immediately cut short by sky showing up and dying and throwing him into a pit of guilt, despair, and desperate need to atone, is in no way accidental. im about to spill whats probably going to be this post's most egregious sky character assassination so be warned i guess!!!!

to put it very bluntly, heres how this whole scene goes according to my theory. viktor gears up to transmutate himself again, but because he's doing so while so full of hope, in a way that's threatening to break him out of his doomed narrative, maybe even just the fact he's doing it to himself instead of jayce doing it in a frantic attempt to save him from death, sky steps in. viktor must die, physically, emotionally, before he becomes the magician.

sky takes the drastic measure of ''killing herself'' in order to curse viktor with the crushing guilt that would morph him into someone who desperately needs to pay for what he did. fix the world, no longer as a driven idealistic scientist, but all consumingly, obsessively, and devastatingly.

if sky didn't intervene, viktor presumably still would've become some form of magical purple guy, but it wouldve been... the best possible timeline? a timeline completely untainted by death? like imagine the cocoon emergence scene and that conversation with jayce but a version where he's not absolutely destroyed by guilt surrounding sky. he was so, so close to just outright winning the game.

as sky's walking down the hall thinking about how she's going to pitch her ''private project'' to viktor, she says something that's potentially a massive red flag hidden in plain sight. she says that she's been working on it for weeks, then changes her mind and says she's been working on it for a year. that's... a huge time difference? if it was months vs a year it would sound much more organic, but weeks vs a year? of course in the real life ''everything im saying here is bullshit'' world she's just figuring out how to pitch herself and sound impressive, but whichever way you look at it and no matter her intent, she was preparing to lie to viktor here.

back in my delusional mind palace, i think viktor's full transmutation attempt takes her (the arcane/the narrative) by surprise - she was formulating her next move here, but it becomes her having to throw a spanner in the works immediately in order to keep him on the path of despair, of death and guilt.

so sky's a pile of ash now. sky is a pile of ash. she wasn't absorbed by the hexcore, on the contrary it looks to be actively pushed away from it (metaphorical skin shedding?) something else is happening for her to be manifesting herself to viktor in season 2. there's also that extremely ominous freezeframe of her when viktor picks up her glasses, but i cant for the life of me get a screenshot of it.

viktor picks up and starts reading sky's journal, and i'll be honest i cant really find any hidden message in her words there apart from the idea that this wide eyed, sweet, idealistic girl that viktor has just let down drastically is some kind of persona. it does stick out to me how much sky seems to envoke a younger viktor - someone who's stuck in an assistant role when she has her own big dreams. This tragic reveal that this cute but inconsequential background character had an inner life and goals too… it's a shock! And it’s all very personal. He paid her barely and mind and now she’s dead because of him, this poor girl who was inspired, by him, to change the world, just like him. It’s like. It’s so tailor made to make him feel like shit.

the next thing that happens is viktor gets Big Mad and tries to smash the hexcore, but it goes ''nuh huh!'' and makes him fall over in a show of power over him. he's firmly stuck in this narrative now, and he wont be breaking out again for a while. the mask is off and his story is locked. he will die, one way or another, and come back to destroy the world.

viktor cant break himself out of the narrative anymore, it has him by the neck and it makes sure he knows it, but someone else promises to.

and he cant, initially. it takes betrayal through reviving him with the hexcore (exactly what it wants). it takes a guilt-ridden viktor being overtly guided along by a much more suspicious sky, for him to get so in his head about this cult shit that it approaches the event horizon of becoming all consuming, it takes jayce being trapped in a time loop desperately trying to find any possible way around this. but the destruction of the hexcore, the narrative, sky, the destruction of the arcane within viktor is the only way for him to truly gloriously evolve.

jayces love for viktor was dooming him into becoming the arcane that ends the world, and the only way to chart a new course was by truly saving him. destroying the hexcore, sky, freeing him from the narrative, at the ultimate cost of viktor's love for him.

[for-gilded-cups-are-empty]

Different Face, Different Souls, this is my actual main Larp PC/PCs, (plural, because i do carry a variety of additional spirits to channel and consult with me so i can have some variety in roleplay.) Ive been this person across various campaigns ran by various clubs and organizations and its never been boring.

Because, Dimitri von Zackenfäller, the Ravenscaller, am a Necromancer. And im too useful and to harmless to just kill.

I exorcise hostile demons who possess our allies and seal them away, i consult with the spirits of the lands and the people if theyve been angered (happens suprisingly often) and bring the troubled souls of the dead to rest.

And nobody minds when every now and then after "banishing" a spirit, one of my totem jars or bone carvings has a glow to it, as long as the problem is gone, people rarely come to verify if the departed have actually reached their gods.

All for a good cause of course. Always gotta remember that Ive actually based a lot of what he does on like, modern occult stuff ive taken an interest in, so that the way i work my magic is usually recognizable and understandable to my fellow players as actually occult. You wont see me throwing a fireball, but youll see me jam the pickled tongue of a murderer who died without trial into the mouth of a corpse to let it speak with stolen voice. Or ill just take out my Ouija board. Or the tarot cards. Or i might speak for the dead with a bit of ventrilloquism.

Its, in my opinion, a lot more fun than a fireball.

[kade-writes]

WAHHHH FALL OUT BOY

Youll sit alone with your headphones over your ears, drowning out the static with his lyrics. You’ll (maybe) read them and cry. You’ll realize that he’s put words to weird and previously indescribable shit. You’ll look at him constantly. You’ll look at him and desperately want what he has, while deep down knowing that what “he has” is really a personal fantasy that could never exist but it’s easier to keep him at a distance than admit that.

Isn’t it messed up?

Now he’s up on stage, 20 feet away, Mouthing those words back to you, wearing a hoodie that you could have found in the back of anyone’s closet. You’ll start crying again. You’ll look at him and see the way he moves, just as excited as you are. But dancing is hard when your preoccupied with trying to find words for another overwhelming feeling that just completely swells every time you are in this situation . You’ll feel like the only person in the entire world (spotlit stage, front and center) while being squished and molded into the pile of bodies that surrounds you. You strangely love it. You’ll stare off. You’ll stop processing the bright lights youll no longer feel like your own. It’ll quiet down. He’ll talk about a heavy gross worry that loiters in your mind. He puts it into words again. You don’t understand how someone that you hold in the way you hold him could be so simple but true. You wont be able to help the salt spilling over your lower eyelids, Because really, what “he has” is similar to what you have too. You’ll see the visual of his eyes plastered up on the top of the stage staring down. You’ll stare back. you’ll subconsciously understand that watching from the outside will never give you the full picture. You’ll starve for everything you’ve ever wanted. You’ll become angry with yourself for hesitating. You’ll connect the face, the person to the writing, mentally refusing to let the poet hide behind his pen. He’s right there. He’s right there. You’ll breathe heavy and try to find some composure only to be interrupted by 3 hand muted guitar strums. Earlier you talked about how hearing this song would “litterally kill you.” Now, you’re hearing it. You’ll scream the lyrics so hard that you want to throw up. You’ll sound like some shitty metal vocalist. Your throat will sting. You wont notice or care. You’ll cry and cry and cry and cry tears that you can’t afford to shed. Look. No really. Look. He’s right there.

They’ll litter the air with pieces of excitement, blocking the sky. Look. He’ll Crawl into the crowd and the sea of people will naturally reach for him because you’re aren’t the only one who is experiencing another feeling that has no words and looking to him for him to give you the words. He’s right in front of your face. He understands how you are somehow without ever knowing you. And hes right there. Look him in the eyes and you’ll watch him look back at you, soaking eachother up in a way that is more than watching. Your fingers will carve into the air in front of you as you become increasingly desperate to prove the importance of this moment to him and everyone around you. This is one of the things he couldn’t possibly comprehend the way you do. You’ll feel his palm against yours and you’ll smile with every tooth in your mouth and he will too. The connection between your hands will surface the only clear thought you’ve had all night. Him and what he has isnt far from you. Hes right there. He understands you, and you understand him. He’s right here and you are too.

[dailyandrewandaaron]

“ how many have you killed? “ katelyn asked. it was out of curiosity not horror 

“ oh, I stopped counting that long ago -” andrew laughed but his laughs were getting less and less genuine .  It wasnt as funny as he was pretending it was. "does that upset you? Are you going to cry again"

“ you can drop the act Andrew”

“ -and you can drop yours katie” 

“ I don’t know what you mean?  “ katelyn said frowning slightly like she didnt understand. 

“ I think you do. your smarmy little good girl act  might work on Aaron but you dont fool me I know  exactly what you are  ,you fucking bitch”

she still pretended confusion until he named her  “Amanda. sarah.  wesninski.  " 

she let her face harden and tapped her  foot  “ I know what you are too!” she exclaimed jabbing her finger at him “ andrew joeseph minyard – youre dying. – .youre a   dead man on your feet right now –still think youre a match for me? "

“ I beat you before  ”

“ I let you . I didn’t want Aaron to know about me“

“im more than capable" 

 she shook her head  “youll  never stop fighting will you –youll never let go – but you cant hold it off forever. youre not that strong andrew . youre  going to die you know you are and youre so scared  “

“ Im not scared of dying “

“ no, not that." she agreed" its them youre  scared for  – your brother and mine –   If you go theyll be nobody left to protect your little family - although my family too so maybe -

“ No ,You cant have them . theyre mine “

she clapped her hands together gleefully “thats why youre clinging on so hard ,  im right aren’t I ? and they don’t know ,do they ? you didn’t tell them -  and youre never going to – oh, but thats  so sad!  they going to lose their protector and they  don’t even know it  “

“ theyre  not going to lose me  “

“ are you sure about it ? it’s a nasty way to go … you want that for them ? you wont  know who they are ,in the in end – you wont know who you are – youll only want to eat , eat and eat  and eat and you wont care what- or who –? it would be better for you – and for them, to go before you get to that stage

“ im not going to end up like that,”

“ thats what they all say . They all think they strong enough but none of them are. youll be the same. if it comes to it - “

“Ill start with you” andrew stated 

“youre funny” Amanda faked a giggle  “ i almost see why my brother kept you around ”

“ you lied to us . you lied to Aaron” 

“I love him” 

“I never said you didn’t.  but you owe me truth, Tell me something true , dearest sister in law “

“I love him “ she says again

“ something else – give me a secret – pay  me my due”

“ im not a natural red-head “ she says

“ Dont test me ! “

“or what? – what exactly are you going to do ,weve been through this before haven't we?”

“ refresh my memory” andrew insisted 

“ you want a secret ? ill give you one - it was me - im the one that  killed you “

“ you did a shit job of it “ he said coldly but he fingers instinctively moved to gash on his head following it down to the space where his right eye had once been .sometimes he forgot that he had no second eye . other times he forgot that he'd ever had more than one eye.

"I know I know " Amanda says "such a shock ,katelyn isn't the kind of girl to do such a nasty thing, to her own brother in law no less,but ,you know I'm not katelyn. I could've been. I wanted to be ,for Aaron. Katelyn was for Aaron, I gave up everything I am for him because i loved him, i love him,and you ! You were going to ruin it all for us , because you know im Amanda. And because Im Amanda, and ive always been Amanda inside, I killed you for that . Figured it was fair since killed katelyn she was a nice girl, we could've been family, but no. You wouldn't let me have that. I didn't know that you'd come back, but that worked out well for me , that you came back, after , and you said nothing, so there's no andrews dead talk for them ,no sadness for my sweetheart , or for my brother, because youre here, aint ya? so now I get to keep Aaron and , Neil too

he hummed. .“ you did not kill me ,Amanda. I am not dead.” 

she considered that, apprising him “ Maybe not. Not yet, not completely, but youre not alive andrew. You knew that, deep down ,you knew,like you know what is coming for you next, Aaron,he loves you, I could never get him to let go of his devil twin ,but he can't save you, you know that, this is why you wont tell him , because he'll try ,he'll fail and it will break him .he is a good doctor, but , death, undeath, that he can't fix. You want to fight me ,you can do that, but its too late, andrew, I already done it ,I hit you on the head real hard and it killed you, you just didn't realise you arent alive like used to be, you aint the man you were. you kept on going like it didn't even happen and i respect that ,actually , i respect that you won't quit ,but youre not alive, you have not been alive ,truly alive, for a long time, and you know what, my dear brother in law? I like you better this way."

[knightlyrogue]

sol i dont know if youre gonna read this but i want you to know i love you i love you so much and i wish it worked out so much but you have to understand how much effort i was putting into it and how demotivating it was to just. i dont know. not have it be reciprocated. you have the choice to walk away and live happily like it never happened but i dont it still feels terrible the wound has not even began healing yet i am still bleeding out and you're far away and i'll never see you again in a way that matters. and thats terrible. you're terrible. you get to live normally and i dont. i tried time and time again to get better but something always happened or got in the way of me. its like im meant to stay this way. was i just a stepping stone for you? i fucking hate you. i hate you so much why do you not get to feel how i feel because you werent as invested as i was i wish you turned me away instead of giving me false hope. i wanted you to hate me because i know you knew i didn't have the strength. you know i never have emotional strength and yet you stayed. but you left me you left me over and over and i tried leaving you but it didnt leave as gaping of a hole as you left in me. it's unfair that you get to be happy and live on. i will break my teeth and my nails on the rock i will destroy myself beyond repair but you know i wont. i will be empty my whole life though without you but i will never go back. fuck you and ACTUALLY fuck you too. i hate you so much why wouldbyou do this to me whatdid i do todeserve this i ront know what i did olease tell me tell meni dont know what i did was i thatawful of a fuckifn oartner what if i kill myself then will that finally makeuoubsee? or will you just forget about me and move on with your fuckinf life i hate you i hate you so much its so unfair i hate you i hate you i will kill myself and make you see but you wont be inflicted with suffering will you? youll just shrug and go Wow he was insane FUCK YOU i harrehouso mcuh kmfcunfi widfuckbuou i loceuou im sorry ill stillbe here if you come back and ill be nice i wont be bad and ill make sure ill shut the fuck up nect timyiu throw me under a bus bc of a fuckinf PEDOPHILE THAT WE BOTH HATED??? idkim sorry i hate this i hate beinf a oerson i need to blow my brains out or od then what? then what huh??? FUCK YOU

[calebwittebane]

thinking back on several weeks ago. cant get over him having my sibling deliver a message to me that hes "ready to really apologize to me" but that i "need to tell him what exactly i want him to apologize for"...... statements that contradict each other thoroughly AND put the responsibility on me AND imply that its anything but obvious to him what hes done to me that i might perhaps be holding against him and/or would be deserving an apology for 😂👍 i understand hes not the most emotionally intelligent person in the world, i get it, neither am i, he hasnt exactly had a lot of good examples to follow in life, but like. if that was supposed to be in good faith and not just an instance of him taunting me (and no, yeah, i do think its mostly the former), then why bother.

like just leave me alone man. you know what youve done, and i wont say that youll never change, but my fundamental lack of humanity in your eyes will never change. the entitlement will never change. youve fucked up your eldest daughter for life and all things considered you got off consequence-free. said daughter not talking to you anymore isnt even a consequence, i was just putting a stop to that shit once and for all and giving you a Go On About Your Life option. im the only person to have ever truly cut you off. even my mother still talks to you when necessary, and very much on cordial and friendly terms. my mother, whom i once had that conversation with in her car where she hit the brakes abruptly and erupted into rage and grief, swearing to god that she would kill you with her bare hands--that sentiment stuck around for a few days, only to dissipate and be forgotten about. its fine. youll be fine. hell, even with regards to your physical health, how careless and arrogant youve been with it, seems youre very tough to kill. you get over things easy.

and i get it, youre not happy. your life seems very empty. youre depressed. in some ways you envy me, because youve seen me figure things out about myself that you could never admit to yourself about experiencing. you wanna get into new things, give your life some purpose, meet some new people, but you just dont have the energy or social skills to do any of that. i get it. feels bad, yes. but all things considered youve got it so damn easy, im tired of pretending you dont. i think im fully actually ready to once and for all stop fretting over how unhappy you must be. its not even that i think its your fault that you are. its just that you have agency that you dont take and privilege that you dont appreciate. its embarrassing how many years i spent agonizing over your well-being, in absurdly misguided acts of selflessness and some kind of masochistic pragmatism--"its not about who gets assigned what amount of responsibility to hold, what amount of culpability; its about minimizing suffering, its about making life more bearable for people to live, and in the name of that outcome if im the one who can step in, im the one who will step in"... absolutely bonkers way to think in this context. crazy that i thought i could guide you into better habits and help you by keeping you company, when not only am i somebody you have never listened to and never would listen to and never would even imagine listening to, about anything, my company amounted to giving you continued access to a toy youd enacted your worst instincts and urges upon.

but even all of that aside, you really were just never doing that badly. sometimes i was so scared for you, for your safety, but i have to wonder how much of it was just a mirrored repeat of my being scared of you, for my safety. i mean, there had been a time in my life--most of it early, formative--that i had to take your threats and my fear very seriously. but now? now i see that its easier than ever to stop blaming myself for not caring. because (and i realize that im lucky to have it so simple here) you really are not in that much pain at all. you are in pain, yes, you have your own trauma, your own mental health struggles, your own physical health issues. you own bleakness and lack of fulfillment. and i say that given your circumstances, they are all extremely manageable. and youll be fine. and you are fine. and i am not. and i dont know when i will be fine, and what its like to be fine.

there has never been, in my entire life, a single instance of you expressing genuine care for me. nothing, not when i was sick or injured (there was annoyance, often just anger and blame directed at me), not when i was beyond miserable, not when i failed and struggled at things, never. Never. to the point that it took me ages to even realize thered been anything missing there, because how would i have known?

i think now about how one particular blatanly phony show of "caring" on your part was ultimately the last straw for me, what caused me to finally go zero contact--when you spread wild theories about me to our family behind my back, which culminated in a deeply, profoundly humiliating "intervention" you took part in. because i needed to be put in my place, reminded i was a walking failure, a maliciously irresponsible sicko, not right in the head, not deserving of autonomy. and good grief, that harrowing ordeal was the best i had ever gotten, that was part of your Treating Me Better! that was the most faithful illusion of care i had ever received from you, and it was so flimsy, such a low bar to set for past instances to fail to clear, there was nowhere else to go from there. that was it. you may change, but this will never change. its the same kind of sentiment as giving a peaceful offer of a True Genuine Heartfelt Apology while asking what youre supposed to be sorry for. its the same disregard and entitlement. a sorry excuse for good faith. scraps that are humiliating to try and pick up. theres no reason for me to bother.

so leave me alone. get over it. get over me. youre not getting me back. today, next year, decades from now, itd be wasted on you. youre not getting a symbolic reassurance or something to feed your twisted nostalgia. youre not getting a clarification on anything. youre not getting closure or whatever the hell. get over it. worry about yourself. your liver and kidneys arent gonna keep up with you forever.

*gets triggered* ummm wat the FACK ever -_-

[rottenhumangarbage]

tw: descriptive ed behaviours

i know recovery is really hard, and not everyone is ready for it. that said, here is some harm reduction advice for eds

- laxatives generally take a while to work and your food will already have been mostly digested by then. they only remove waste material and can really mess up your electrolyte levels when abused. better to eat smaller meals after binging than abusing laxatives.

- purging by vomiting is similar to laxative abuse in the way that your food has often already had a lot of the calories absorbed, your teeth, nails, and of course your esophagus can be severely damaged and your electrolytes can also be thrown out of balance. again, better to follow up binges with smaller meals rather than purging.

- after an extended period of fasting, youre at risk of refeeding syndrome which is extremely dangerous. eat small things in small amounts and avoid salty or processed carbs. try fruit or veg with a lot of water such as melon or cucumber, or small amounts of high fat, phosphate containing food like cheese or yogurt, maybe with a multivitamin. reintroduce food slowly and do not let yourself binge after an extended fast.

- dont go straight from a large binge to a heavy restriction. go from binge to normal eating first or a binge-restrict cycle will be easier to fall into and harder to break.

- ideally you shouldnt eat less than 1200 calories a day, your brain needs 500 just to function and youll still lose weight on 1200. diets telling you to eat 200 a day long term are very unsustainable and put you at risk. eating 200 calories a day for maybe a day or two definitely wont kill you, but you should aim for a few days a week where you eat 1200 or above - or all days a week, but i understand that may be a scary concept for people who are struggling with restriction.

- dont fast for more than 72 hours. if i cant stop you from doing so, then please make sure you check your general wellbeing, vital signs, and blood pressure if possible.

- make sure you drink more water than you usually would than on normal eating days when/if fasting. try not to drink more than 4L on any day, and especially not in a short time period (drinking 4L in 1-3 hours puts your brain at risk) "Overhydration can lead to water intoxication. This occurs when the amount of salt and other electrolytes in your body become too diluted" Source: healthline

- after youve lost maybe more than 10lb, use tape measures rather than scales because water fluctuation is going to make more of a difference which may not make you feel that good.

- light exercise is good to retain muscle and keep your metabolism from dropping too much - doesnt have to be hard workouts, but a good walk or even laughter can help.

- try to eat more protein, fibre and healthy fats than you do carbs, however on an average day you do need a little carbs. keto diets only prevent water retention long term.

- caffeine is an appetite suppressant but also increases heart rate, blood pressure and anxiety. feel free to drink it but know your limits.

- artificial sweeteners may make you hungrier. doesnt mean you cant enjoy them on occasion though !! "Inconsistent coupling between sweet taste and caloric content can lead to compensatory overeating and positive energy balance." Source: ncbi

- GET ENOUGH SLEEP. lack of sleep significantly increases hunger and can reduce metabolism, making you feel worse throughout the day. "Laboratory studies have clearly shown that sleep deprivation can alter the glucose metabolism and hormones involved in regulating metabolism, that is, decreased leptin levels and increased ghrelin levels." Source: ncbi

[flor-n-cheese]

bookie no :( omg i HATE typing this way especially while knowing why you left. in all seriousness, im really sorry that you went through that and are now leaving. you sounded like you really cherished this platform and everyone you met on here dearly. as safe as it is to leave, i really really hope you return just for the sake of your mental health, but it is what it is. im a shit comforter and you DEF know that but ill try here, in a reblog you prob wont see. you really dont deserve to go through anything youre going through, to be treated how youre being treated, to feel the gut-wrenching feelings youre being forced to feel. youre going through so much and i understand that its horrendous and feel deep and never-ending, but please, PLEASE remind yourself always that youll get through it. either you live to make it out or you die in the middle of it, but either way, this wont last forever. it feels like it lasts forever, these traumatic moments make you feel like youve been stuck there forever and will be stuck there forever, but they pass. they help you grow into your best self in the long run, or they kill you, giving you that peaceful release from humanity into whatever you believe is next. if you end up dying, then so be it, but please hold on. you genuinely have so much to live for that isnt being fully used or appreciated now due to your circumstances. if you live long enough to reach your main goal, which is to get away, then youll have a beautifully long life ahead of you. yes, you have limitations, but you know what you want. you know exactly what you want. and i know you will get exactly where you want to land. if you dont? at least youll be better than where you started. at least youll have a powerful story to tell, one thats stereotypical in the sense that its about rising above the struggles, but one thats unique and resonates with many because its yours. you matter so much and i hope you know that (even though theres a chance that you wont read this LMAO). i find it hard to tell you, or anyone i care about really, but remember that i do. i do and your mooties do and your followers do and anyone else that cares about you does. so many people care about you, so if you do end up leaving permanently, even if youre not actually here, remember that youve impacted so many lives and that youll continue to impact lives. stay safe, my gay. i love you <3 (/p) i put too much effort into this im SORRY i literally have been such a bad friend that everything i shouldve said to ur face i wrote here. on a public platform that might not even reach you because youre QUITTING. what the flip dude :/ anyways youre amazing. this was an extremely deep and depressing down but youll get back up soon. i know it. persevere. goodbye, and have a nice life (that ill be in since i see you tomorrow but still).

announcement

hey y'all, I just have an announcement to share with you.

For personal reasons, I'm going to leave Tumblr.

now, I just want to say: this is not the fault of anyone here. all of my mutuals and followers have given me so much out of life these past 4 months (4 months? That's a third of a year, wow), and I love you all dearly.

It's because of my personal life. Without getting into too much detail, today I experienced a pretty (both emotionally and physically) traumatic day, and I know that even if I stayed on Tumblr, things would never be the same. So I'm leaving.

In all honesty, I knew this day would come, that one day I would have to leave all you beautiful people. I'll never forget you, moots and followers. I'll cherish every memory we had.

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe tomorrow I'll post an announcement that I'm back, delete this post, and things will stay the same. It's unlikely though. As much as I wish I could stay with you all forever, sometimes things change.

I'm not going to be completely gone, though. I'll be active on Discord (@pangothepangolin I'm still staying for your DnD campaign) and I'll be posting more regularly on ao3. You can find both of those in my pinned post.

I don't want to do this, but I have to. I'm sorry. I hope to see you all soon.

Best wishes,

Andi.

[yukidiaries]

I rate my all(probably) teacher because i have absoloutely nothing to do and i hate my life and i hate studying and i hate school and i am going insane (i really hope now one of my school knows that its me and sees this or ill maybe actually kill myself).

TLE Teacher: first impression of him was intimidating but is actually not that bad lol, but still tho, why the fuck did you make us memorize 10 procedures in exact at the ass nighttime, 7/10, i will never rate anyone above the 8

MAPEH and ENGLISH Teacher: ok, i must admit, you are nice, BUT WHY THE FUCK ARE YOUR EXAMS AND INDENTIFICATIONS AND QUIZZES FUCKING IMMPOSSIBLE AND YOU REALLY EXPECT US TO FUCKING GET IT CORRECTLY AAAAAAAAA-, 2/10, why, its always hard to review the indentifications 😭😭😭😭😭, the source of my endless will to kms

SOCIAL Teacher: why so strict and scary 💀😭, he has the same vibe/feeling/looks or what ever as the TLE teacher but he's more cheerful-like and less akward, oh dear they were complete polar opposites, the other one looks scary, but is actually a bit nice(atleast), he looks approachable(he still tries to at this even time and i always fall for it bc his activities was 'not boring'), but is SCARY AS FU-, bro is scary, i feel like i was about cry when he said that i should speak more louder like "What did i say about my rules in this class" always says it like that in a scary way bro im gonna cry dude why does nobody understanddddd 😭😭😭😭😭, he fr dont understand us shy people, bro actually looks like hes always about to cry ive got a theory that hes always like hes about to cry bc he gets scholed by some person or idk abt him being so strict and is actually holding back on scholding students (bro probably hit a student by his attitude dont judge me its a students responsibility to assume ok) and like actually mentions on getting scholded by some idk, bro i saw that "IM DONE" in ur files bro prol venting (ik im probably misunderstanding like who tf would leave that in the whole ass class but he could be just like me fr to ignore and act like its isnt there and hope they dont notice it like me 💀 i can assume ok bish) probably has anger issues? BUT THATS JUST A THEORY, AAAA- Man, 2/10, wtf

FILIPINO Teacher: Hello advisor, you chill, and nice good humor, good tiktok dancing mov- ...excuse me, nice good easy pc exam, i hate essays tho, also why high expectations for me and give me the unfairty and made me merorize the hardest speech even if i was a tranferee 💀💀💀😭😭😭, and why my hardwork of studying on a lesson then you skip it tho, thank you for that tho, bc the mfing lesson is hard thank for skipping it, thank for the swimming pool, 8/10

SCIENCE Teacher: She feels like just my old school's English teacher, she chill, she cool, thanks for actually hearing out my excuses to get perfect grades lol, 7/10, W teacher

MATH Teacher: 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 Dont even get me STARTED im already tired bro, like, ik you old but, WHY YOU ALWAYS TEACH SO WRONG AAAA, like dude, just look at her answers youll literary understand me, its ok if it just a little mistake but like umh... thats too much for a "Pro,fe,tio,nal teachers" 💀💀💀, she wont accept crap, she either ignores it, or blames the student 💀💀💀💀, i also have that fucking feeling where shes favoriting the son of the principal on the school like wtf dude, also why do you make us just copy the answers 💀💀💀💀💀 i can excuse the lack of activity on checking our answers even if you promised to do it already like 2+ times but pleaseee why are you making us copy the answers except of making us train our brain and say that "Parents will come here and complain about your grades" like broooooooooooo 😭😭😭, everyone of us got probably atleast 15 mistake in math exam for no reason just because of her one single typographical error and didnt even correct it 💀, 2/10 u and my father is literary the same whats worse is me put both in the same room with both of you and math, i feel like dying

Peyn

[mable-stitchpunk]

I kinda think that originally they were gonna explore more in detail how Creepy the subtext between William and Vanny was, in the AR game we hear that Glitchtrap apparently set himself as Nessas 'Boyfriend' "But then there’s the side of you that ordered chocolate and flowers for yourself and pretended they were from your boyfriend 'Brad.’ I’m not judging you for being lonely - I definitely understand where you’re coming from there. But, Ness, I also saw what you had written on that card. 'Flowers for your grave’? Why would you have an imaginary boyfriend who’s threatening to kill you? You know that’s not healthy, right?" the Relunctant follower line about her suit was 'I think youll like it', and of course the cut dialogue from SB makes it very clear how abusive he is too her, with her pleading this 'Wont be like the last one', Granted, topics like abuse Grooming and A disturbing relationship like that would be, and the Obvious PTSD one would have from it...A bit heavy, and would maybe cause confusion on 'So are people supposed to find Vanny sexy or think her outfit is part of Aftons disgusting treatment of her, Pick one', but still, I am curious how far they were planning to take this.

I feel like if they went the whole way with the creepy subtext and had it as a real addressed plot point that they could've made one hell of a statement. It could've also addressed and built on some of the questionable themes that I mentioned before. It could've been great!

...Problem is, it wasn't, and all we get from it is a few cut content lines and not a lot of concrete stuff on what actually happened. As it is now, we don't even know how willing Vanny was, how much physical to mental control William had, because neither the games nor the material around it make it entirely clear.

And that is the sort of thing that you can pretty much clear up in one or two lines if you manage to put them in the right place. I mean, I would prefer more than that, but you can clean that up.

I think it might have to do with how downgraded Vanny was in the final product, but I think it goes to show that she was an interesting character design concept first and didn't get much time to build up the rest.

But who knows. We'll probably see her in another game or two, but it would take a bit of work to fix what's broken... Or to at least take the plunge and decide whether or not they want to show it, since there was so much censoring in the game.

[honeykawa]

Fly | Route: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

warnings: violence, suggestive themes but nothing graphic

word count: 3.1k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose him”

You looked at the man who had been standing in the corner of the room with his arms crossed

“Tanaka get your ass moving and take them home. Pick them up in the morning and take them home from now on. Make sure they dont run away or itll be on your head”

“Got it boss”

The car ride to your apartment was filled with silence and the soft sound of music coming from the radio

You were too nervous to say anything

The growing feeling of anxiety in your chest made it almost hard to breath

You started to unconsciously grab at the area above your chest and your breathing became irregular

‘How did i get into this mess?’ ‘whats going to happen to me?’

These thoughts keep rushing through your head

“--hey are you okay?”

Tanaka pulled the car over so he could stop and assess just what was happening

And from the way he saw it...it looked like an anxiety attack

His panicked a little himself watching you like this he didnt even want to imagine the feelings rushing through you right now

He got you to control your breathing again and come down from your panic

“You good now?”

You nodded your head, still weary about being near this man

He could tell you were still on your guard with the way you wrapped your arms around your body, as if you were trying to make yourself smaller

“I know it seems rough right now but i swear itll be okay”

His voice was soft with you, something you didnt expect from someone in the mafia

The car ride after that went pretty smooth

“We’re here”

The ride went faster than you thought it would and you got out of his car before saying your goodbyes

“Ill pick you up in the morning...if you need me heres my card”

He held out his card to you as you slowly took it from his hands

“See you”

And with that he sped off as you went inside your apartment to go to bed, hoping that maybe this had all been a dream

Once tanaka got back to his apartment he immediately plopped himself onto his bed and covered his eyes with his arm while thoughts of you plagued his mind

‘Cute’

His arm fell down to his side and he just stared at the ceiling

“Get your shit together tanaka. Your job is to watch them, nothing more”

He rolled over to his side with thoughts of you fading as he drifted into sleep

You woke up to the sound of light knocking on your door

And as soon as you opened the door it finally set in that last night really did happen

“Are you ready to go?”

Tanaka took one look at you and let out a deep sigh knowing that you werent

“Ill give you fifteen minutes”

You nodded your head as you ran back into your room and changed into something work appropriate

Wait where were you working? What would be considered work appropriate?

Based off of what tanaka was wearing you assumed something business casual

When you came out you looked at tanaka to see if this was good enough and he just nodded his head and started walking back towards his car, opening the door for you to get in

“I talked it over with daichi and youll be working with me as my assistant”

Your eyes widened and he immediately knew what went through your mind

“No not like that! Like with actual business stuff you wont really have to do anything with the mafia”

His flailing around made you laugh a bit and lifted a weight off of your shoulders

Listening to you laugh was almost relaxing, his cheeks heating up from the mere sight of your carefree smile

He gave you a quick tour of the place and introduced you to the others if you ran into them but that was about it

As his assistant you really didnt do much

If anything it felt like he was just an over glorified babysitter

But you shuffled through the files he gave you and sorted them the way he wanted

Tanaka watched you from the corner of his eye while you both worked

It wasnt that he was worried you would do it wrong

But it was just last night that you had that anxiety attack right in front of him

“y/n do you want to go out?”

You looked up from your papers and looked at him in confusion

“Right now? And what do you mean by ‘go out’?”

A big smile appeared on his face

“Yeah right now! Lets go! And dont think too much of it”

He stood up and grabbed his wallet

You followed him and as you two rounded the corner of the block he held the door open to a small cafe

“Go ahead and order whatever you want its on me”

You were weary about being here

Would you two get in trouble for leaving like that?

Tanaka could see the worry still lingering on your face and rose his hand to gently pat your head

“Like I said its on me so dont worry about leaving the office ill take any repercussions if there are any”

The grin on his face took a weight off of your chest and you felt like the air around you wasnt so thick anymore

After getting back to the office no one had even noticed that you two had even left

Whos running this place??

The next few weeks seemed to be fine

It was almost like you lived a normal life and you werent being watched by the mafia

You and tanaka had grown closer and it was easier to talk to the others now

He treated you kindly and tried to understand your situation

Unlike the two interns who always berated you for not knowing where certain files were or would roll their eyes when you would flinch at sudden movements the first few days

But tanaka took it slow with you, doing little things so that youd be more comfortable

At first it was subtle

If you needed to go make a copy of something he’d suddenly need to go grab something from the copy room with you even if you insisted that you could get it for him

Or how he always tried to include you in conversations with others so you would get more comfortable around everyone

Tanaka grew to be someone who it was easy for you to be around

But that sense of calmness was quickly wiped away when you joined him on one of his...excursions

“Heres the case. Now give us what we want”

Tanaka held the case in front of him while you just watched from the car

Sure, he’d take you with him but he’d never let you actually get out

He didnt really want this to take too long

Especially since it was just him against a good handful of men

But the men he was making the trade deal with suddenly saw you in move in the car and locked eyes with you

His smile sent a chill down your spine formed on his face

“New deal: give me that hot piece of ass in the car and you have a deal”

Tanakas jaw clenched at the the disgusting words just said about you

“Im sorry but,”

You couldnt see tanakas face until he looked up at the man in front of him

The look on his face utterly terrified you

“I’ll kill you if you even try to put a hand on them”

Everyone stood there unmoving, too scared to move

Tanaka turned around and headed back to the car where you were

“Deals off if that wasnt clear”

But one of the other men moved towards him

“The fuck you mean its off!”

Tanaka easily evaded the man’s advance and took him down with only a quick few movements

“Anyone else want to try”

The question was simple enough but no one dared made eye contact with him as he got into the car and drove off

The car ride was quiet, youd never seen tanaka look like that before

It scared you

He scared you

Tanaka noticed your silence and reached a hand out to pat your head but his chest went heavy at the sight of you flinching

“Y/n?”

You knew he wouldnt hurt you but you couldnt stop the slight tremble

“Im sorry tanaka”

A weak smile appeared on his face

“It’s fine y/n. i’ll take you home, okay?”

You just nod your head and neither of you talk the rest of the ride

A few days go by and you can feel the distance between you and tanaka growing

Its so noticeable that the others in the office can feel the awkwardness between the two of you

Tanaka suddenly stood up from his seat which startled you but he quickly rose his hands

“Woah sorry didnt mean to scare you”

He said it with such a sad smile on his face that it almost hurt to even look at him

“Ill be back in a moment, gotta use the bathroom”

You nodded your head as he left and let out a sigh

You knew he was just doing business

This was his job

It just shocked you to see the man thats been so kind to you to look...like that

Tanaka on the other hand knew this would happen eventually

He washed his face in the sink and looked up at his reflection

‘Remember your place. They deserve better’

He wiped off his face before heading back to his office only to see you not there

His heart just drop not seeing you there

“y/n?!”

He was about to bolt out of there but as soon as he turned around he bumped right into you

You fell onto the ground and the papers you were holding scattered around everywhere

You both just looked at each other for a moment

“Tanaka--”

Before you could say anymore he scooped you into his arms and you could feel the slight tremble in his shoulders before he quickly pulled away once he realized what he was doing

“Sorry y/n i dont know what came over me”

He started help to pick up the papers you dropped but before he could get too far you pulled him into a hug

He was frozen on the spot at feeling your touch

The warmth from your hands made his heart beat erratically

“Im sorry tanaka”

Your arms tightened around him

Youd seen so many sides of him

How clumsy he was

How kind he could be

Youve also seen how scary he could be and honestly it still shocked you

But you want to believe in him

The him thats been nothing but gentle with you

You could hear him let out a shaky breath before pulling you into his chest

After that your relationship with tanaka went back to normal

Or at least as normal as it could have been

Ever since that day youve started to notice how your heart speeds up whenever you look at him

Or the butterflies in your stomach when he smiles at you

He was careful to not let you see the mafia side of things anymore

You appreciate the thought but youd be lying if you said it didnt worry you when he came to work bandaged or bruised

Today was one of those days where tanaka had picked you up with some visible injuries

The cut on his face looked fairly fresh and without realizing it you reached up and gently ran your thumb over it

“Um what are you doing y/n”

Not that tanaka hated this

He felt his heart flutter at your touch

“You know, i dont mind helping you if you need it”

He smiled and took your hand off of his face

“Thank you y/n but im fine”

Just knowing that you cared was enough for him

‘I love you’

They were words he couldnt say

But he knew this life wasnt for you and he couldnt force you to come live in it

A few weeks go by and you feel like every time you get close to him he pulls back to just keep it barely within the realm of just friends

But that was fine as long as you could stay near

It was another one of those days where tanaka was off doing mafia business so noya kept you company

He always had his guard up but he seemed to take a liking to you

“Do you like tanaka”

The question caught you so off guard you dropped your pen

You looked up at him

“Is it that obvious?”

Noya kept working on whatever was in front of him not even sparing you a glance

“Painfully”

You could feel your embarrassment rising

“But if it makes you feel any better i think he likes you too so promise me...make him happy”

Before you could say anything back noyas phone went off and he immediately answered

His eyes went wide and his head whipped towards you before hanging up and dragging you somewhere

“Noya! Where are we going?”

He rushed you into a car and he took the wheel before driving off to who knows where

“Where are we?”

He got out of the car and opened your door

You were at an apartment complex from the look of it

“We’re at tanakas apartment hurry up”

You immediately got out and followed after him and you almost felt your legs give out seeing the state tanaka was in

Bloody and battered

Hinata was sitting next to his bed with his arms crossed

“Idiot rushed in despite not having a gun”

Noya rolled his eyes

“You know he doesnt like carrying one whyd you let him go alone?”

“Not my fault he didnt stop to think”

They kept talking to each other and went into the other room leaving you both alone

His breathing seemed stable as he slept but tears escaped your eyes as you took a seat next to him

Noya left you with tanaka and told you to take care of him

“He’ll try to tell you hes okay. Dont listen to him hes a fucking liar so take good care of him for me”

It was funny but it almost sounded like a goodbye

Tanaka woke up later that night only to see you sitting next to him with tear stains on your cheeks

The thought of you shedding tears because of him both hurt and warmed his heart

He reached up to wipe your face despite the pain he felt

Your cheeks fit perfectly within his hand and he found it cute how you leaned into his touch subconsciously

He couldnt move much but this is all he needed

You woke up before he did that next morning and decided to make some breakfast for the both of you

When you came back in he was just waking up

“Good morning tanaka”

The smile on your face as the sunlight trickled in through the window made him feel at ease

This...this was the life he longed for

“Morning”

He tried to sit up but flinched while doing so

You rushed to his side and set the food down before helping him up

“Dont push yourself. Youre still pretty banged up”

You changed his bandages for him every evening after that

“I can do this myself you know”

He said it with a light laugh

He was starting to get back on his feet and regained most of his movement and strength

“I know but...id like it if you would rely on me just a bit more. I know i cant do much but i can do this”

He didnt say anything back to you after that

In all honesty he didnt want to do it himself

Every time your hand even brushed over his skin it felt like he was on fire

Even the scars that have long since healed throbbed at your touch

His heart beat so hard against his chest that he was afraid that you could hear it

“There all done! Hope that wasnt too bad”

‘Dont smile at me’

‘Youre far too precious’

‘I dont know what ill do if you look at me like that’

He really was planning to let you go, he was fine with just keeping you at an arms length away but now he knew he was in too deep

You got up to put the first aid kit away but he quickly pulled you into his bed with him and he held you tight against his chest

His face was buried into the crook of your neck

He didnt know what he wanted anymore

He wanted to keep you safe but he couldnt guarantee that with him being in the mafia

He hated it

This life wasnt the one he wanted anymore

The life he wanted was with you

Slowly, he rose his head to look at you

“Run away with me y/n”

Your eyes widened in pure shock

“What...what did you just say?”

You couldnt believe what he just said

His eyes were serious though

“Run away with me. I dont want this life anymore. I want to give you the life you deserve. One filled with happiness and laughter where you dont have to worry about things like if ill come home the next day or not. One where you arent targeted. I love you y/n. I love you so much so please, run away with me or so help me god ill just take you”

He held you so tight that it felt like he might break at any sudden movement

You wrapped your arms around him and held him gently against you so you wouldnt hurt any of his wounds

“Then take me away”

That was all tanaka needed to let go of any reservations that were holding him back up

He kissed you with everything hes been bottling up until this moment

Your lungs burned as pulled away, both out of breath but hungry for more

“I hope you know Im not letting you go. Youre stuck with me now”

You laughed and kissed his forehead

“I wouldnt have it any other way”

That night was spent in each others arms, both of you longing for the others touch and neither of you wanting to be apart for even a second

Noya visited the apartment a few days later only to be met with complete silence

A knowing smile appeared on his face as he shook his head

He knew wherever you two were you were both happy

Because he knew you would keep your promise to him

[kuroosdumbslut]

s/o who’s frustrated and falling into depression due to school

bakugou:

he kinda gets it

i mean, bakubro literally got kidnapped due to school and shit?

he’ll do his best to help you as best as he can

studies with you, quizzes you, brings you snacks and water, forces you to take breaks, all of it

oh my god if you start showing signs of depression around his more and more, he will literally make you call in sick for a few days and he might even call in a day or two to spend with you to try to make you feel even the tiniest bit better

the end of study day will probably end with cuddles and him stealing some your school shit to make sure you dont overwork yourself when he inevitably has to go back to his dorm room

boi is like “nah, im taking these textbooks and all your pencils and pens. i know how you are 🅱️” rip no late night work if he worked with you for the day

shigaraki

obviously youd be college age, but like,,,he would think its kinda dumb to be worrying about it so much.

like, he believes you wont need it cause obviously he can take care of you and when he takes over you wont wven need that stupid piece of paper!

...he wont tell you that directly tho, he’ll just pout when you study

hes probably playing games on silent or listening theough his headphones, but will turn his attention to you if he hears you mumbling in anger

shiggys like??? wtf has you so pressed, are you good? do i gotta kill something or someone?

but if he sees you crying out of frustration, he will make you stop what your doing and sit with him

lets be real, he sits you on his lap and traps you there

no but really, he worries about you in his own way, and while he cant really help with schoolwork, he CAN give you affection and attention

his offer still stands to kill someone tho

hawks

he gets it

god he fucking understands

will help you out the best he can, and if he cant he will (with your permission) hire you the best tutor he can find

also brings you snacks and shit, but in order to aquire said snacks you gotta pay his kiss toll (1 kiss for smaller snacks, 2-3 kisses for bigger snacks)

hes a dork, we been knew

oh my god when he makes you take breaks, he’ll put on like whatever show yall are binging together and will have to watch a minimum of 2 episodes before he lets you go study more

if he notices or if you tell him about how you’re starting to fall into a depression, he will PERSONALLY call your school and be like “yo i need (y/n) at my agency for a few weeks sorry chief”

one of the perks of being the no.2 hero

he wont be lying technically, you will be at the agency with him

you just wont be doing work. youll be helping him fuck with some of his colleagues

will 1000000% take you out flying for a while (as long as you arent afraid of heights)

soft birb

**due to me being back in classes from home, this is my contribution to bnha rn. 10000000000% self indulgent and prolly kinda shite but whtever**

[icecreamkink]

watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god   wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD. 

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him 

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top 

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

 It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo,  lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass,  shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is,  the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’,  “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

 accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin 

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it. 

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

 baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

 would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory  LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

 the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out! 

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha. 

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying* 

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears 

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression  when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE,  and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice 

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb 

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious 

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof 

 and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. ) 

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :((((((((( 

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf 

wwx: fucking w demonic energy   jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth 

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting                                                                wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch?? 

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no. 

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword                        wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go. 

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. .  . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

 they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg  .   spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . . 

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA 

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair 

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

 sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like                     ?          ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also   so       thrilling   (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say) 

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris. 

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

 i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU  the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’ 

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That 

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng.  being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance. 

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY  

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all???  amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD. 

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

 jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future  

one of the ?? things  i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad 

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

 its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE. 

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???” 

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn. 

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding. 

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever 

BAT WEN NING 

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’ 

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock” 

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face. 

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself! 

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe. 

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities.  *longest oh boi ever*

[ivyuns]

come back to me again ❆ ✰

kim seungmin

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 1.8k

warnings: 2018-2020 era, young hearts are broken, mentions of passing out, y/n’s leader name is yerim and other member’s name is sunni, mentions of suicide, fainting, mean comments, strict dieting, one bad word oop, the plot doesnt make sense lol i just wanted a break from landing in your heart, not proofread

notes: i had three story plots i wanted to use but uh yeah i chose this one (maybe ill post all three of them but different members oo) but listen to love again by baekyun, or the cover by minnie <3

masterlist

idol!seungmin x femidol!reader

tell me you love me like the day you did

the day it ended was on a rainy, cold day. seungmin called you to meet up with him, saying he had something to tell you. heading to the jyp building, which wasnt that far from you house.

scanning your id and greeting the staff, you go to the room seungmin was in. knocking twice, you heard a “come in” and opened the door gently. “hi minnie” you smiled at your boyfriend. seungmin waved back with a small smile on his face.

“y/n, come sit here, we need to talk”

going to where seungmin pat the spot for you to sit, he sighs. “i know this is hard, but you know how stray kids is debuting soon?” you nod, knowing where this is leading to. “i- we have to break up” he paused. “but you know i love you right? i promise id come back after three years okay baby?” holding you tears, you looked into his eyes, that are full of sadness.

trying your best to hold your tears in, you gave him one last hug. before parting different ways, seungmin kissed your lips. letting go, you put the promise ring he gave you 2 years ago on his palm and walked away. letting the tears running onto your cheeks as you walked away from the room.

with a sobbing seungmin left alone in the practice room. holding your promise ring made him feel guilty, but it wasnt his fault that he had to do this.

tell me once again, say that you love me again

packing all of seungmins stuff that was at your house and looking though them made your heart burn. from they day he asked you out after school to whenever you two last hung out with each other, which was over 2 months ago.

because now that you and seungmin auditioned to be in the same company, but with seungmin, he had a little bit more talent than you did. it didnt mean you didnt have talent, it just meant you were physically ready to become an idol. still improving, many idols were amazed at how well your singing and dancing was.

finally taping seungmins box, you went to the stray kids dorm and dropped it off and to say goodbye to the boys. deciding to switch to a new company to focus more instead of dealing with you heartbreak.

you rung the doorbell and you come face-to-face with seungmin. handing seungmin the box, you asked if it was okay to say goodbye to the boys, which made seungmin confused. where you going somewhere? ending your dreams?

seungmin moved to the side for you to come in. as seungmin closed the door, a voice was heard. “seungmo! who’s here- oh” looking up, you see minho. your eyes that was red and puffy ran more tears down as you ran up and hugged minho.

minho was in fact the one who introduced you to seungmin. accidentally falling in love with seungmin, you told minho all about it and he eventually told seungmin about your feelings towards him. seungmin, who felt the same way, made the best way to confess to you, which was a success.

minho hugged you back, caressing you back as seungmin looked down and went back to his room. “its okay love, its okay” minho shushed you as you cried into his chest. settling you two in the living room, the whole stray kids but seungmin came out of their rooms, comforting you as they all knew what happened between you and seungmin.

30 minutes passed and you decided it was time to go. giving the boys one last hug, you made sure they’ll have good luck when theyre now idols.

“just know, ill love you guys forever. thank you”

im where ive always been, i still love you

almost 2 years had gone by and you finally debuted into a three member group. with being the main vocalist and dancer. being invited to the award shows, your group gracefully posed on the red carpet, right after stray kids. accidentally locking eyes with seungmin, you almost teared up but you had to be strong.

sitting down in front of stray kids, you grew anxious as if nobody else other than stray kids and yerim knew about your past relationship. stilling having feelings for seungmin, you let them go and paid attention to the show that was now starting.

“hyung, dont you think y/n looks like shes about to pass out?” jeongin asked seungmin. after you left the dorms that day, seungmin didnt know where you were. nobody told him anything about you other than you leaving jyp. you and your group was hidden from social media until your company announced a new girl group was debuting soon.

after seungmin got the news about you, he felt so relieved, knowing that you were still here living. on the pictures online, you looked like a goddess. the way your singing was beautiful and your dancing were sharp. he was amazed at how far you came.

but when seungmin saw you in person, it looked like you were on the verge of passing out due to how thin you looked. it looked like you couldnt perform on what your condition is.

feeling unsteady, your group was the last ones to perform. getting into your costumes, you fell back slightly when yerim pushed you up. after seeing how weak your body has been acting, she was worried something might happen to you on stage. and seeing how you reacted when you saw seungmin again made her worried.

“y/n, are you sure you got this?” yerim asked. nodding your head a yes with a smile on you, you gave her a thumbs up. with the smile that hid everything. yerim nodded her head, your group was ready to perform.

among the three girls that was on the stage, seungmin only looked out for you. anxiety rising, seungmin bit his lips which changbin rubbing his back to calm down.

the end of the performance, you tried your best to stay still, but you only saw blurry vision. as you were about to get off stage, you fainted with your head hitting the floor first. gasping were loud from everyone as yerim and sunni tried to lift you up and go back to the dressing rooms.

as soon as seungmin saw everything, he stood up and tried to run towards you till he was stopped by chan. “seungmin you cant. everyone’s going to find out” “i dont care hyung, the person i love the most is hurt” seungmin said and let go of chan’s hand that was gripped around seungmins wrist.

seungmin runs through the halls and tries to find your groups room. after finding it, he gently pushes away people who are near you and gets a view of you on the couch. “s-seungmin” both sunni and yerim said together. “yerim, what happened to her” seungmin asked, skipping the honorifics since they know each other.

yerim bites her lips with glossy eyes, scared of what to tell seungmin what you’ve been doing. “yerim?! i said whats going on with y/n-” “she tried to kill herself!” seungmin pauses and tries to lets what yerim said sink into him.

“w-what? why?” seungmin asks as tears start streaming down his face, as well as sunni’s and yerim’s. “she was scared. scared that she wasnt going to be perfect to be an idol. she started getting hate comments, saying she was too fat. but this is why shes too thin. she wont listen to us when we tell her she needs to rest and to start eating. all she does is practice with no water breaks but somehow, she still hits every move right. other than that, shes scared of what youll see her like again. she still loves you seungmin, but shes scared”

“sunbae, shes not okay. she needs somebody and that somebody is you”

seungmin was stunned by what yerim and sunni told him. “can- can you two leave us for a moment. please?” seungmin asked quietly as everyone left the room. seungmin starred at your body. eyes closed with you as skinny as your bones. it scared him of how you thought so low about yourself.

he doesnt understand it. he doesnt understand how you got every moves and vocals right without anything. where you like this during your relationship? no, it couldnt. both seungmin and you promised each other that you two will never keep secrets to yourself.

seungmin silently cries to himself, thinking of why you wanted to do this to yourself as he held your hand. his tears slowly fall onto you forearms, which wipes the makeup off of your scars you created, which makes seungmin cry more.

because of you fainting, the award show was paused temporally. with this being said, stray kids got up and quickly went to you room until they were stopped by yerim. “dont, seungmins already in there” all of them nods their heads and waited outside the room with minho dropping down, hands in his face with tears as he remembers when you tried to seek help from him but he never answered because he was too busy.

don't leave me alone baby, just stay for the night baby

still holding your hand, seungmin whispers ‘i love yous’ and ‘im sorry, please forgive me’. gaining conscious, you flutter your eyes open and see seungmin in front of you.

“seungmin?”

he opens his eyes to see you awake. “bab- y/n. thank god” seungmin says and hugs you gently. tears start streaming down as you realized he probably knows everything now. “s-seungmin, did they tell you-” “yes they did. and im sorry. so fucking sorry oh my god, please dont do this again. please eat, please do what you loved to do again. i want the old y/n back, the happy one” seungmin lets out.

“okay, ill come back” you told him. seungmin wipes your tears away, as well as his and plants a kiss on your lips. “come back to me again?” nodding your head, you both smile. this time, a real and happy smile from you.

the awards continued on and your group won an award. chan offered your group if they wanted to come for dinner, you were going to decline, but yerim, sunni and seungmin forced you to, wanting you to start eating again.

heading out, the eleven of you walked to the nearest korean bbq while holding seungmin’s hand. feeling the warmth youve been missing for 2 years.

tell me your love again.

END <3

[tricewithaz]

hey, i love your posts and was just wondering if you had anything about the crows and triumvirate? either way, thank you! <3

Thanks! actually the crows x the triumvirate..... what a combo... chaotic.... the city better be watching cause no ones safe.

On one side, i feel like wylan and david would understand each other quite well, asks and answers between each other would eventually become routine. Kuwei would also be good friends with them (yes this does imply kuwei and wylan become good friends actually we need that). Theh spend time experimenting and accidentally (or not so much) blowing up shit. Genya and Nikolai often tag along, Genya most often on the chemistry side of things and Nikolai when engineering is involved. Actually Wylan quite respects and admires Genya. He oftrn stays silent around her cause shes intimidating, but he really likes being around her and she grows fond of him. The four (5? 6?) of them are team lots of coffee no sleep.

Another incredible duo is Nikolai and Jesper. At first Jesper lowkey sees Nikolai as a celebrity crush but through time Nikolai starts treating him as a friend and even sort of younger brother. They have a lot of chemistry too, they csn spend hours and hours talking and both are incredinle storytellers so theyll tell each other about the crazy shit theyve done. Theyre.... balls of energy and being around them over a couple of drinks is genuinely a lot of fun. They also understand each other fairly well and enjoy each others company. Youll also find them shooting for sport together, and theyre cOMPETITIVE. They like to fanboy about cool guns and ships together too, Jesper tells Nikolai about the carving of his pistols, how much they push back or the speed at which they shoot, he exchanges his with Nikolais and they try them together. On the other side Nikolai tells him about the technology behind his flying ships and his wacky weapons and Jesper is fascinated.

Jesper Nikolai and Kaz also like to scheme together. Mostly against Nikolais dad and various merchants. Sometimes against Zoya or Wylan, for fun. See Nikolai seems like the kind of guy who loves prsnks and so does Jesper. I think Kaz could benefit from some well intended fun inconveniancing. Weirdly enough hes the down to esrth one of the three but its relatively easy to catch him laughing with Nik and Kaz. Sometimes Tamar is there too, simply cause she loves the chaos.

Of course.... everyone loves Inej. Nikolai and Zoya know she could kill them in less than a second but if someone so much as dares touching her theyll massacre a city. Their relationship with hwr is similar to the one they have with Nina, but softer cause they will totally scream at Nina. Zoya quite enjoys Inej's company actually, she knows exactly when to talk and when to keep silent, and she admires her spying skills, although sometimes she gets creeped out by her. Nikolai too rjebeb. I feel like if Inej asked, he would teach her about sailing. Both of them, as well as Genya and the twins, feel a kind of protectiveness over her, even when they know about her skills.

Also yeah Tamar and Inej. Bonding over knives. Teaching each other combat techniques and tricks. Theyre a good combo cause Inej is a more serene person than Tamar is and they balance each other out.

I dont know if ive talked about Nikolai and Nina? cause ✨Nikolai and Nina✨. They have very similar personalities, in fact id say Nikolai probably sees in Nina what he used to be: reckless and driven above all. He sees her as a little sister, similarly to the way Zoya sees her, except Nikolai is the Cool Guy™, the one who will give her tips and tricks on not getting caught and enchanting whoever if its necessary, or if she wants to get them into bed. Where Zoya screams at her for being reckless and irresponsible, Nikolai is comprehensive and tells her to do better next time, heres how! He and Nina also have a very similar experience with love and grief . Nina doesnt know this, but Nikolai is all too aware of how losing the person you love most at such a tender age, on your own arms, feels, so he tries to talk her through it and give her a shoulder to cry on. Nina admires and really likes Nikolai and really appreciates his company. She knows that when Zoya or Genya wont take her shit, Nikolai is a safe space for her.

Zoya and Genya really love Nina too, shes their little girl, and even if they dont really tell her thet consider her one of the most talented grisha theyve stumbled upon. Among the two Genya is the most empathetic and patient with her. Both of them also feel incredibly empathetic towards Inej. Her and Genya particularly hsve a very natural relationship, they find trust and conversation in each other easily. Also genya probably gives her very much unsolicited but uselful advice on how to deal with an emotionally unaviable boy. Zoya on the other side really admires her courage and empathy, her experiences are similsr to inejs and yet inej remains kind and open and loving despite all. I said it before but if someone even dares to touch inej, zoya will cut a bitch.