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lordprettyflackotara · 5 months ago

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WhoGoesThere? || eyeless jack

tw: jack and reader are depressed but thats about it ngl

Jack was tired of his life.

Truly, wondering hopelessly day after day was becoming tiring. Patching up the proxies, eating a few organs, rinse and repeat. He had no diversity, no variety to his life. The most exciting thing was when Jeff decided to bombarde him with his rant of the day. Jack despised those rants, but at least it was something different.

It was what led him to wonder aimlessly through the woods, his hands shoved in his pockets and his head held low. It had been many years since he had become this way, the demon everyone knew him to be. As time trudged on he wondered if him coming back to life was a mistake. The leafs crunched beneath his boot, his shoulders low as he stepped over a few random rocks.

In the night he heard an owl hooting, accompanied by the lone coyotes howl in the distance. Jack wouldn’t have normally thought anything of it, if it hadn’t been for the sudden race of a heartbeat. It was too loud to be a small creature, chipmunks and rabbits so easy to rile up. It sounded much larger. Much more human like. His ears twitched as he went in the direction of the sound, his curiosity distracting him from his depressive thoughts. The heartbeat only grew longer as he followed it, the owner seemingly unmoving.

It was then he heard a familiar growl of a coyote, the smell of fear flooding his nostrils. In a small clearing he spotted you, your small figure curled up in a ball against a tree as a coyote prepared itself to launch into an attack. Terror was reeking off of you, something in between your fingers and your eyes widened at the animal in front of you. Truthfully it was none of Jacks business, he never interfered with the circle of life. But your heartbeat sounded so foreign. Unlike anything he had ever heard before.

Involuntarily a low growl rumbled in the back of Jacks throat, his razor sharp teeth gritting together. The coyotes head snapped to him, the animals nocturnal vision providing him a clear picture of the demon. Jack knew he was at the top of the food chain. All the animals he had ever run into during his forest trips knew this as well. None of them dared to even be around Jack, the fear of what he may do driving them away. Once the coyote realized its prey had been stolen, it dashed off into the night without a second thought.

“Who goes there?”

Your question was bold, considering Jack knew his human like figure was concealed in the shadows. You had only heard a growl, yet you spoke to Jack like you knew what he was. “Friend or foe?” You asked. Jack furrowed his eyebrows. He was in the twenty first century, right? "Friend," He replied plainly. His deep voice caught you off guard, causing you to jump to your feet. "Show yourself," You instructed. For such a short thing you sure did have a lot of nerve ordering anyone around, nevertheless Jack. He hadn't interacted with regular humans in a long time. He was curious how this would go.

Against his better judgment, he walked into the clearing. The only source of light was the dim moonlight, which only truly revealed his human like stature and eerie mask. Jack walked in front of you, towering over you as he looked down at you. Soft skin, doe eyes, soft lips.... You looked like a fragile little thing. What were you doing out here? "How did you do it?" You asked, clearly puzzled. Jack stood motionless, afraid you'd see his ash gray hands and run. "Do what?" Jack questioned. You stared up at him curiously, your mind trying to make sense of the black tar dripping down his eye sockets on his mask. It was so lifelike. How was that possible?

"That growl... You sounded like an animal," You said slowly. Jack looked human enough to you. You supposed. Chestnut hair sat on his head, peaking out through the hood that concealed him. He was freakishly tall, unlike anyone you had ever seen before. "Odd talent I have," Jack lied, shrugging his shoulders. You were clearly puzzled, but you couldn't make sense of the situation to begin with. "Why are you out here? You could have seriously gotten hurt," Jack scolded. You rolled your eyes, holding up a joint. Jack only recognized what it was because of Ben's bad habits.

"My college isn't too much of a fan of this. They'd rather me drink myself to death," You answered. Jack tilted his head to the side curiously. He had never bothered inspecting the plant this close up before. "Do you want to smoke it with me? I kind of owe you for saving my life," You offered. If you were being honest with yourself you were lonely, that being the motivation for why you hauled yourself into the forest late at night. "I have never partaken in this before," Jack told you. You gave him a small smile. This guy couldn't be too bad right? He did just save your life. "Everyone starts somewhere. Why don't you join me?" You proposed. You sat down in your original spot, leaning your back against the oak tree.

Hesitantly Jack joined you, sitting cross legged beside you. "Sure," Jack mumbled. He watched you dig in your backpack, searching for a lighter. He noticed the Harvard symbol stitched into the back pocket. "You go to Harvard?" He asked, the question leaving his lips before he meant it to. You seemed unfazed as you continued to rummage through your mess of a backpack. "Yeah. Why?" You asked. Jack sat there dumbfounded, flashes of his previous human life flashing through his memory. He couldn't remember too much of his mortal life, but he remembered going to Harvard University. "I just used to go there, that's all," He said. You unhappily grabbed your backpack by the bottom, dumping its contents onto the ground.

"Pretty shit isn't it? It's not worth what everyone hypes it up to be," You spat harshly. Jack could sense your bitterness, but then he felt his heart throb as he yearned to be in your position. "What are you majoring in?" Jack asked, changing the subject. You grabbed the lighter, quickly igniting the joint in your hand. "Medical field. I want to be a doctor," You answered. Jack froze, his breath came to a screeching halt. He watched as you inhaled the joint, the small orange flame illuminating your features. "What did you major in?" You asked. You held out the joint to him, Jack temporarily unmoving.

He didn't think about you seeing his skin. Maybe you wouldn't notice if he acted normal. "Uh medical field, I wanted to be a surgeon," Jack told you. He reached out slowly, his hands much larger than yours. He took the joint between his fingers, bringing it up to his mask. Unsurely he lifted up the bottom half, placing the joint in between his lips. "Wanted to be? What happened? If its seeing guts don't worry, lots of kids dropped out once we had to study a surgery live," You say, your eyes flickering to his hands. You noted his odd skin color, the pigment unfazing you. "Life, I guess," He mumbled. He inhaled sharply, coughing as the smoke rounded his lungs. The smoke dispersed into the night air, his hand flying to his mask to cover himself.

"Hey don't do that, you won't be able to breathe as well," You intervened. You grabbed his large hand, your small fingers wrapping around his. Your skin was so warm to the touch, Jack could almost hear your pulse through your touch. "The color of my skin doesn't bother you?" Jack asked in between coughs. His chest began to hurt, his other hand crutching his hoodie. You patted his back, shaking your head. "Argyria, right? Nothing to be ashamed about. Doesn't matter to me," You answered. Jack managed to clear his throat, pulling hand away from yours. He handed the joint back to you, your fingertips brushing against his skin as you took it from him.

Of course you thought he had a skin condition. A logical person couldn't even begin to comprehend what Jack truly was. He noticed the way the weed had affected his senses, the demon leaning back against the tree beside you. "Nice to meet you by the way, i'm y/n," You said. Jack refrained from smiling, afraid you'd see his rows of razor sharp teeth. "I'm Jack, but usually everyone calls me EJ," He answered. He realized you may ask what EJ stood for, heat flushing his cheeks. Instead you handed the joint back to him. "I like the name Jack, suits you," You told him. Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing, your comment more flattering to him than you would ever know.

This time Jack was more confident, bringing the joint to his lips. He inhaled deeply. relaxing as the smoke circulated around his lungs. "There you go, you're getting the hang of it," You say proudly. Playfully you elbowed his arm, causing Jack to jump slightly from the unpredicted contact. Your eyes had fluttered closed, the weed extracting every ounce of tiredness you had. Jack allowed himself to smile. "Do you come here often?" Jack asked. You giggled, your smile as bright as a thousand suns. "Are you hitting on me?" You asked through your fit of giggles. Heat dashed across Jack's cheeks as he exhaled, your comment making him cough. "What? No! I was just starting conversation," Jack rambled. You could practically feel his embarrassment.

"Relax Jack i'm fucking with you," You chuckled. You took the joint from his fingers, placing it back in between your lips. Jack felt relief. He thought maybe he had been depraved of social interaction for too long to engage in a standard conversation. He knew what you both were doing now was considered small talk, but it meant the absolute world to him you were even chatting with him. "To answer your question I do. Mostly when my shitty roommate invites her clan of frat boys over," You say, a hint of annoyance lacing your tone. Jack raised his eyebrows, watching your cloud of smoke evaporate into the night. It was brushed away by a small breeze in an instant. "I assume they aren't your cup of tea?" Jack proposed. You nodded, your eyes still shut. You handed the joint back to Jack, the effects of the miracle plant putting him at ease.

He made a mental note to accept Ben's invitation to smoking more often.

"One of them hit on me my first year. He never got over the rejection I think. There's rumors still floating around two years later I had a threesome with him and another dipshit," You explained. Jack inhaled, his ears twitching at the sound of the paper crinkling from the flame. "To answer your question, no, I absolutely did not have a threesome. My predicament is actually far worse," You mumbled the last part. You had peaked Jack's curiosity, but he chose to keep his questions to himself. "What do they do while you're gone?" Jack asked, trying to keep the conversation going. He focused on the milky smoke, exhaling it through his nostrils. He allowed himself to grin, your eyes still closed.

"They probably gangbang her for all I know," You grumbled. Jack felt unusually heavy, like he could stay in that spot with you forever. Tucked away from the world and curled up under an oak tree. As he took another hit he felt something unusual. Something he couldn't recall he had felt before. Your head had fallen onto his shoulder, your body curled up into a ball as you tucked your knees into your chest. "Do you want the rest of this?" Jack asked, holding the joint out to you. He could hear your breathing becoming heavier, your consciousness drifting away. "Have it. Just let me stay like this for one more moment," You say, nuzzling your cheek against his shoulder.

Jack swallowed, his nerves getting the best of him. He could hear your chest rise and fall. Then your heartbeat slowed. You had fallen asleep. On his shoulder. Willingly. Shakily Jack returned the joint to his lips, realizing he was going to need all of the comfort he could get. How could he allow this? What if he woke up hungry? He looked over at you, tossing the ashes of the joint aside and readjusting his mask. On the other hand, you looked so peaceful. How could Jack disrupt that? The night wind blew past of the two of you, a few stray strands of your hair brushing against your face. He watched your nose crinkle as they tickled your skin.

Unsurely he brought his hand to your face, tucking the strands of your hair behind your ear. As your face fell into a perfect state of content, Jack came to the executive decision he would stay right here to protect you until morning came. It wasn't long before the weed evoked his own tiredness, slumber taking over him as it did you.

#creepypasta #creepypasta smut #creepypasta lemon #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x female reader #creepypasta x y/n #creepypasta x you #eyeless jack smut #eyeless jack x reader #jeff the killer x eyeless jack #eyeless jack x jeff the killer #eyeless jack #eyeless jack x you

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holybibly · 1 year ago

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Divine Rosa ❢ot8xreader❣

❣ Pairing: yandere!otx8 x reader

❣ Genre: Dark Romance, vampire au, angst, horror, yandere au, smut

❣ Word Count: 10.1k

❣ Summary: The moth always pours itself into the flame; what a pity that in the end it burns out. After the tragic death of her sister, MС tries to find answers to the questions she left behind. This leads her to a gated cottage town known for its luxurious rose gardens. In addition, there are also these mysterious men who manage all the affairs in the city. Too sweet, too helpful, too intrusive, and too in love.

❣ WARNING: only!18+ Themes of death, suicide, severe depression, stalking, blood, yandere behavior.

❣ Disclaimer: I don't support yandere behavior, stalking, or religious imposition. Themes include violence, obsession, possessiveness, and emotional or psychological manipulation. This book is intended solely for entertainment purposes.

❣ Chapter 1: Memento Mori ❣

Have you ever thought about death?

How many times have you asked yourself, “What will happen to us next?” “Is there something on the other side?” “Will we see the shining light at the end of the tunnel and the white-winged angels, or is it just darkness waiting for us?”

We constantly reflect on this, sitting in the noisy company of friends, frozen for a moment in cold numbness; late at night, when there is no sleep and gloomy thoughts creep into your head; on the subway, bus, or taxi returning home from work or school, desperately understanding the desperation of their situation; recurring days in endless solitude.

We should stop doing that. When the time comes, we will ask ourselves other, more important questions.

Nevertheless, we tirelessly continue to be interested in it. Again and again, until our clock stops.

Sometimes I think all we have after we die are flowers and regrets. In our soul, heart, and mind, every second, there are many events that do not obey any rules of formal logic. All that we lose at death. There is no longer the privilege of choice that we had in life; now we have to settle for small, choking on despair and memories, staring into our own reflection on a silver epitaph.

“Our love will stay with her forever.” It would sound like a dream if it weren’t such a dirty lie.

I don’t think love exists. It’s like a sweetener: we feel sweetness, but the brain realizes it's fake, sending out red signals warning of deception. But we still desperately crave this feeling, however painful it may be.

And yet, after death, our lives go on, and in some special cases, we find ourselves more alive than ever before.

It's our time to watch as the new story unfolds, and the usual roles are played by other actors. New names appear on the waiting list, and celebratory ribbons are given to the new queens. See how fake diamonds sparkle in their luxurious crowns. Despite that, you’re the star of this show. Your name is in the news, in the bold headlines on the front pages of newspapers, and every casual passer-by claims to have known you personally while you still existed in a small, closed time period called life.

So what does it feel like to be the only spectator in the front row? The main subject of general regret.

In our cooled consciousness, a sharp conviction of our own uselessness is born and settles. Friends we used to call the best put your stuff in boxes with ribbons of tape. A family that tears the remnants of your life apart, erasing your name from the family register with a sickeningly straight line of black ink. Acquaintances and colleagues, always smiling with an astringent sweetness that glues their teeth, easily remove your number from the contact list and open their palms in a welcoming gesture to those who came to take your place.

All of them, all these people close to us, express their false regrets about your untimely departure, putting a tick in front of the memorized phrase: “Ah, we are so sorry. She was young and beautiful.” Is that what they usually say?

That’s all; our race for popularity is over. The rules of good manners and standards of appearance no longer matter. Your thoughts, actions, and preferences belong only to you, and at this very moment, we feel freedom. Short time, but still freedom.

It is only a short moment until the lid of the coffin closes completely over us. And here we are, face to face with our past, alone.

As hard as it may be for us to admit it, it's true. All that remains for us after death is regret.

Each of us has our own. Someone feels regret for the love that he could not protect and the loved ones that he has lost forever. We regret the things we’ve done and the words we haven’t said, but most of all, we regret the time we’ll never get back.

The dead mourn more than the living.

Besides regrets, we’re taking flowers with us. Yes, these beautiful creatures are leaving with us to one day wrap around our bones, sever the grayish subtlety of our skin, and grow again above the ground, eating us like a parasite.

The flowers also symbolize the grand finale of our celebration. When the music dies down and the curtain falls, they will be the only ones who will stay side by side while the guests leave the lavishly decorated hall one by one.

Have you noticed how many bouquets are brought to cemeteries?

I like to think of it as a peculiar payment for our rest. Maybe death is as in love with these deliciously fragile things as we are, and that’s why they’re leaving with us. Silent companions who hold our hand as we go into the darkness.

The path to the origins of the great Sanzu River is paved with bloody lycoris and mournful lilies. Truly a magnificent sight. Ugly and beautiful are two sides of the same coin.

When I was little, Mina told me many different stories. Some warmed my cheeks and stretched my lips in a happy smile; others were gray, like days with incessant downpours. I wrapped myself in blankets and warmed my palms with warm cups of herbal tea, but there were other stories that I didn't want to remember until now.

They were sinister, like a spider hovering on a web waiting to be sacrificed. The words were sharp; they pierced the skin, leaving long, stinging wounds. Meaning has always been terrible; like a blade in the tongue, it could not be swallowed and understood. I was afraid. I was scared to death. I could not sleep in the light of a bright day or in the mist of a starry night; in the coziness of the blankets, there was no warmth or protection, and the mocking laughter of Mina made it worse.

My grandmother scolded her and assured me that all this was nonsense, empty words, and legends formed from idleness, but I knew better. There was truth in Mina's stories, and the realization of this only made them scarier.

The most terrible of them was the story of a young man in black silk robes. Beneath the black veil was a sensual smile, and the fox's heterochromic eyes were alluring and sparkling like stars.

Was he a nine-tailed kumiho? A black reaper holding death itself on a leash? He may have been a vampire, desperate and thirsty, but personally, I was sure he was a ghost. A past woven into a single canvas, thread by thread, stitch by stitch. I think I saw him once, during the Lunar Festival. He was the center of my little universe, the otherworldly and inexplicable, his long black clothes flowing to the ground like a waterfall, and the diffused light of the treacherous moon embraced his silhouette like a caring mother’s embrace.

I thought the world was dancing around him. The children were running around laughing and circling like butterflies in the round dance; the couple were whispering nicely, their palms intertwined tightly, as if it would save them from the inevitable parting; and the others were simply enjoying the festival time, waiting for the sheaves of colorful fireworks to explode in the sky.

His eyes pierced my figure so greedily and sharply. I saw hunger in them. A thirst. A goal.

And then I screamed. So loud and disgusting in a childish way. With a shrill screech, I rushed into the crowd, hoping to find Mina. The colorful ribbons in my hair rushed into the air, and the wind bore me the echoes of his sweet laughter.

He was mocking me. I could have run, but he could have caught me in a second if he wanted to. For a moment, I looked back to make sure that he was still standing there, covered with moonlight and a myriad of stars, but the long, flowing silk of his black robes melted like a mist in the night without leaving a trace.

Mina laughed mockingly as I clung to the lush skirts of her violaceous hanbok, sobbing, choking with tears, and pointing my finger in the direction where I saw the young man with the fox’s eyes.

After that incident, I didn’t sleep for days, couldn’t eat, and was afraid of every noise.

From that night on, I began to believe in ghosts. They are among us. We can see them, reach them, and hear their whispering voices. Science cannot explain them; they are not subject to it. They are mistakenly called fictions, twisted forms of memories that acquire real outlines and are indistinguishable from the real world.

Science calls it imagination; I call it another form of life. Ghosts exist. They’re always there.

The line between the dead and the living is thin and fragile. If you push it a little harder, it’ll shatter.

It’s true—life after death exists.

I was told once that death is like being submerged in water. First, the lungs start to burn from a lack of oxygen; the body gets heavier; the eyes are baking, but we’re still conscious; and the brain continues to function. Then comes the next step. Our body desperately clings to life, continuing to contract the heart muscle. Bam, bam, bam. Deaf blows on the rib. If you start acting now, there is little hope of salvation. No more than a minute. And then, after that, there’s the final stage. Clinical death. Smooth stripe on the monitor.

Our sinking is over. We have reached the bottom. We have met eternity in the muddy depths, blended with the muddy sand and pearls.

That may be true, but for me, death is no more than a moment—until the last flowers on the grave fade.

I never thought about dying. Until it happens to Mina.

The first time I met death, it was with my first breath. I was born with silence—too small, too fragile, and painfully quiet.

Then there were the piercing sounds of medical devices and the screams of doctors and assistants. I was taken away instantly and carried far into the sterile, transparent box. Death retreated, but it didn’t go away.

I was only three when my parents died. Mina was squeezing my hands and talking about a long journey. Grandma took us to her old country house, where secrets were hidden and hyacinths blossomed. At the time, the very concept of grief was not clear and tangible to me; rather, the feeling was like frostbite, when the skin was already dead, but the pain was absent.

So I knew death before I even knew it.

My grandmother died suddenly. Her life was cut short in an instant, like a thread brought to the flame. I knew it; it seemed long before it happened. That summer, I was going to be at a ballet camp, and Mina was the star of the school, and she was planning on spending time with her cheerleading friends. Just one call changed all our plans. Short skirts and ballet points replaced chrysanthemums and black ribbons. Mina was grieving, taking condolences, while I watched from the sidelines. Grandma's leaving seemed like a dull pain from an old injury rather than a sharp cut, and it was easier to deal with than I thought.

This was the third time I'd known death.

And then Mina happened.

The passionate, bloody, grandiose Mina's death. By closing my eyes, I could see her face again. White, sun-drenched, and blood roses, her long fluttering eyelashes, and scattered carmine strands of hair.

She was not at all afraid to die, as if this scenario had been memorized by her. Isn't it an innate instinct, a fear of the unknown, of death? We are frightened by monsters under the bed and horrors lurking in dark corners. We must be afraid of death. We are obliged to do this from the very moment we are born.

Mina was not afraid. She was never afraid of anything, unlike me.

Spiders, darkness, roses…

The list goes on.

When she died, I realized two things: one, nothing lasts forever, and two, I wanted to know what happened to my sister and what became her trigger. Big red button. At my request, an autopsy was conducted to rule out a drug-induced hypothesis that could have caused mental and emotional distress. Forensics found nothing in her lungs except rose petals. Mina literally breathed flowers. It sounded almost fantastical to me. Even her death was beautiful. Forever the first violin in the orchestra.

The case of her mysterious disappearance was closed. There was no point in looking for someone who was already dead. I asked the detectives to continue the investigation, but despite my desperate pleas, the police were adamant. My sister’s once-radiant life was packaged in a pair of cardboard boxes with a large-scale signature in black marker. “An Mina, case 117”. With each passing day, everything about Mina sank into darkness, but the mysteries and secrets around her only grew larger.

Once upon a time, I could call Mina an open book. It was easy to read—all the emotions, character traits, and habits—everything in it was exaggerated; there was no middle. Her love was never a simple hobby; it was always sharp, risky, and passionate.

Perhaps that is why she so easily fell into an obsession with roses; her feelings took a dangerous path.

I wanted to know who gave her these fabulous roses, who sent her candy and little sweet notes. There was something wrong with all of this, and not just the fact that the lush pink buds didn’t fade. No. It was a feeling, something very ominous, like a calm before a hurricane. A frightening, unnatural silence when all is silent and the air is gathering in front of the thunder's stunning storms.

There’s a long, unrequited tranquility on the other side of the phone line.

In the Japanese language, there is the expression “koi no yokan,” which literally means the feeling of inevitable love for the person you first met. This is not love at first sight, but a premonition of future love. So it was with these roses; they were not evil as such, but they were the inevitable omen of his coming.

True evil does not come in the form of a little red man with sharp horns and a long tail. Evil is beautiful—almost religiously magnificent. His appearance is divine and seductive, attracting the sweetness of the forbidden. Of course, the Devil himself was once an angel. And not just anyone; he was God’s favorite.

So are these flowers. I’ve never heard of people falling in love with soft petals and spiny stems. No one ever sings strange prayers for roses and dedicates his life to them without a trace. Those roses were bigger than they looked.

I think that Mina’s death was not accidental; it wasn’t suicide. Something broke her, violated her mind, and eventually destroyed her. Whether they were roses or people who gave them, that was my question. It was a secret hidden in the white folds of her lace dress, the dreamy smiles, and the names she spoke with such awe.

During Mina's funeral, I was approached by one of the lawyers who handled her legal affairs. I had to sort out the property rights and the lots of pages with numbers, dates, and places. Mina left me not only secrets but also a great legacy. As it turned out, in addition to our common apartment, she had several other assets in her possession, including her grandmother's mansion, which at one time she received as a sole inheritance, shares in various companies, and investments abroad.

I am now the sole owner of all this.

I had no idea where to start looking for answers or where to find the keys to the secret locks. Maybe I can find something in her files between the lines and the capital letters, or maybe it’s all dry formalities. So, going to the lawyer sounded like a good start to me.

How many can hide from those who command our last will?

Even so, I didn't want to be alone with Mina's secrets if I could find something in her belongings. I decided to call Soomin, who was once Mina’s best friend, the closest, to be exact. She was always there, having fun and crying with Mina, supporting and comforting when needed. Soomin was an integral part of her life. My life.

After the incident with the roses, they split up, not on the best of terms. Their conversation completely ended, but I still continued to spend time with her, and we often went to brunch at various gourmet cafés that Soomin loved so much. She was an elite restaurateur and had great taste, not only in the interior but also in food.

In a way, she completely replaced my sister. Soomin always told me, “No orgasm can ever match a stunningly cooked fondant au chocolat”. Yeah, I could totally agree with her on that.

After dialing her number, I waited for an answer. The wait was not too long, and after the second tone, I heard the melodic voice of Soomin on the other side. “Hello” “Soomin, I'm sorry to distract you from work; can you give me a few minutes?

“Sarang? I can’t believe you finally called me. How are you feeling, honey? I’ve been really worried about you, you haven’t spoken to any of us all this time.” In her voice, there was a sincere concern that resembled a mother's.

Soo has always been so caring and gentle. In her was the same fascinating brightness that Mina possessed, which brought them very close and became the strong foundation of their friendship, but unlike Mina, who resembled a raging forest fire, Soomin was a comforting flame of home. One was ready to destroy everything around her; the other collected ashes in beautiful vases and kept them as precious memories.

After Mina died, she was there for me when I especially needed support.

“Sorry, Soomin, I’m still trying to get over it." I sounded exhausted, even to myself. The days spent in voluntary isolation completely drained me emotionally and physically. I was the alarm of danger light for my friends. “You know, when she went missing, it was hard for me, but I was still hoping she’d come back. I convinced myself that Mina was fine and that she was enjoying life surrounded by her favorite roses.” It was the first time I had spoken openly about my feelings since Mina’s death. “I never imagined that my sister would slit her throat in front of me. I still have nightmares, Soomin, but I’m calling you for another reason, I have a little favor to ask you.”

“Sarang, you should feel like this; it’s okay. What happened to Mina traumatized you; damn it, it would have traumatized anyone if they were you. We agreed to give you time to get over it at your own pace, but when you didn’t answer our messages and calls, we started to worry. Eun Jung even offered to come to you several times; you know how she is.” She was anxious, and I understood why. “I’ll help with everything I need; just tell me how I can do it.”

“You agree too quickly, Soo.”

“Sarang, please stop. The only thing I can offer you now is my help. I can’t imagine how you’re handling all this, and if you need my help, I’ll be there for you. So stop denying me and tell me what you wanted to ask.”

“Do you remember Mina’s lawyer who approached me at the funeral? I think it’s time I met him. It’s all about inheritance and property, but there’s something else.” I started off insecure. “I want to find out who sent her those stupid roses.”

“Why?” in her voice sounded like sincere surprise. “If you were me, would you want to know how it all started?”

“Probably, but aren't you afraid? Judging by how it turned out for Mina,” she stammered for a second. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.”

“No, you’re right. Absolutely. I’m scared, and if things weren’t so messed up, maybe I would have done something different, but listen, Soomin, I have a strong feeling that I’m always missing something, and it’s bothering me.” “People don't change so dramatically, and certainly not because of the roses. You've been friends with her for so long, so you know her as well as I do, and we both understand that it's crazy to give up everything in your life for roses like that. Especially for Mina.” When I spoke my thoughts out loud, I was even more convinced that I needed answers. It really was crazy. “ She left so many secrets that I want to find a clue. I haven't told anyone, but the roses are still being sent. I received a call from the cemetery administration saying that her grave was littered with flowers, and they needed to figure out what to do with them. Not only that, but I also received several bouquets.” There was no point in hiding it anymore. If I want Soomin to help me, she needs to know about those roses that were sent to me.

“My God, Sarang, you should have told me right away. Did you talk to JiHo? This is an abnormal situation. What if you’re being chased, Sarang? I don’t know, it’s all so scary.”

“You have no idea, but I don’t think we should talk about stalking.”

“Why? Maybe it’s a stalker or serial killer; you should be careful. Please tell me JiHo is living with you now.” “First, I don’t think anyone in their right mind is going to come after me, and second, JiHo and I took a pause.”

“Did you break up?” she asked with an incredulous echo.

“I'm not sure if you can call it a breakup.”

“God, the bastard left you. I always told you he was a rare asshole and would run away at the first opportunity.”

“Soomin, let’s not talk about it, but if you want to hear it, yeah, you were right about him.” The memories of our conversation with my ex were still fresh and festering in my mind like a ball of worms.

It’s very convenient to hide behind phrases like “let’s take a break,” “you need time to figure things out,” “emotional vacation,” etcetera. No one wants to be a part of your grief. At this party, the cake belongs entirely to you.

“Okay, let’s close the JiHo thing. Tell me, do you know anything about who sent the roses? Any ideas?”

“Absolutely nothing; I’m stuck. There’s nothing that can help. No address, no sender’s name, Maybe we can find something in her files or stuff; I don’t know.”

“Yes, it’s possible. When do you want to go to a lawyer?”

“This Friday, if you’re free?”

“Give me a minute,” the papers rustled on the other side, Soomin clearly trying to find the day she needed in her diary. Knowing the nature of Soo, it was difficult to make out anything there; her records were always chaotic, and careful planning was not her forte. In this, too, she was similar to Mina.

“I’m totally free. How about going to brunch first and then to the lawyer?

You could use some fun, and I’ve always wanted to go to this new trending place. I hear they serve incredible fondant au chocolate, and the owner looks like God cut him out. How does that sound? “First, tell me, are we going there for the fondant or the owner?”

“You can’t judge me; everyone’s talking about how attractive this man is; I just want to see.” Soo softly dissipated.

“Have you betrayed your love of chocolate for a man? Kim Soomin is something new. Anyway, everything sounds great. Let’s go and see if those rumors are true, but if I were going there solely for the chocolate,” I smiled at that thought. I’ve really been lacking in communication lately. We should start coming back to the real world. “Do you know the address?” “Sure, I’ll pick you up at 11:00. Please wear something prettier than a black dress.” “It’s a classic, and thank you again, Soo.”

“You have nothing to thank me for, Sarang. Finally, I can call you like that, you know, Rosa, it doesn’t suit you. I’ll see you Friday, baby.”

“I think so, too. Until Friday.” I put the phone aside, taking a deep breath. The long stems of white roses had folded in half in the cramped bin. A luxurious wrapping in a rare shade of Solferino and embroidered topaz ribbons lay next to the bulky pile, and a small note was shrunk into a perfect ball that was also lying in the trash.

Whoever sent those flowers should have stopped doing that. I’m not Mina. I don’t like roses.

· · • • • ✤ • • • · ·

How quickly does the waiting time pass? We count the days, the hours, and the minutes until the exciting event we’re expecting, circled by a thick red line in the calendar, but is it really worth our time, which life has measured for us?

It's so strange; the days are like bottles of sand thrown by a restless ocean onto a flickering glass bank. I remember this one, crystal blue—it smells like strawberry cheesecake and summer heat. And this one, made of gloss and pearls, is full to the brim with grave earth and chrysanthemum petals. I like the one that sparkles with diamonds from the royal frosted glass; it smells like a lover’s pillow, and there are memories of the first love. There is another, very ordinary, and therefore the most precious—empty and at the same time full. If you open it, you can hear the gentle wind whispering your name.

My life is all about memories now. I’m just trying to keep what’s left.

The rest of the week passed unnoticed by me. Time, like the rapid trains at the station, rushed by, and I kept waiting to see the stop I needed in this incessant turmoil.

Existing in space is very simple when it belongs only to you. I did actions that were memorized to the finest detail, simple mechanisms that gradually brought me back to my normal state. Feed the neighbor’s cat. Do the cleaning. Go for a walk. Check the mail. Cook dinner. Ordinary things to take your mind off the colorful bottles on the shelves of consciousness and the endless cycle of nightmares.

And I also noticed that at night, time flows more slowly. Second by second, replace the glowing dial until dawn. And so on until the ruthless rays of the sun insidiously penetrate between the tightly woven threads of heavy boudoir curtains, and the golden shadow spills over the pampered skin like boiling water.

I think I'm allergic to the sun and, therefore, to the stars.

Maybe the whole world.

Today I woke up earlier than usual. Somewhere below the horizon, the sun splashed in the golden ichor of the predawn twilight. Yoru stretched out at the foot of the bed, warmed by tiny drops of warm light that seeped into the room through the window. Last night, she refused to leave, stubbornly ignoring my presence and my tender pleas to return home to her mistress.

Yoru was my neighbor’s cat, perfectly embodying all its best features: a slightly aggressive, capricious, and having a little bit of arrogance. Despite this, she had a strange affection for me and often stayed at my house if she was in the mood.

Other tenants avoided Yoru, considering her a bad omen, and it was not only the polished glossiness of her black fur; she always appeared where death later came. I didn't care; I've always loved cats, and having one of them in my house was a bit of comfort. I wasn't alone.

Sensing my awakening, her almond-shaped eyes flashed with the sharp color of precious stones in the slits of the eyelids—a thick amber glow, not yet warmed by curiosity or playfulness. Yoru tossed and turned, clearly unhappy that someone had disturbed her sleep, arched her back and closed her eyes again.

We could lie like this all day long, in silence and some strange harmonization. I’m sure she’ll get close to me a little bit later, calculating her every move, until he presses on his heart with a peaceful, relaxed purr. Unfortunately, today was not the day I could afford it. Soomin will soon be here, and I need to get a little tidy.

Shower. Food. Simple things. Jars of creams and neatly arranged lipsticks Are there certain rules of appearance when you go to a lawyer? What dress should I wear—a deep neckline or open legs? How decent?

Should I still look mournful? Should I wear a veil? Two months have passed; are other colors acceptable? What will he think of me?

So many questions were spinning in my head while I was going, and it seems to me that whatever I choose, it will still be inappropriate. The story of Mina was not a passing affair; probably everyone in the city had fleetingly heard about her death. One of my friends told me she was called “Queen of Roses” because of the flowers in her hair, and I saw the headlines of the “exquisite death” articles.

The black color dripped venomously to the floor with the long hems of the dresses in my wardrobe; the gray, like a mist, settled in the loops of cardigans and oversized sweaters; and the ghostly white terrified me with thin transparent lace and ruffles, just like on Mina's dress. The choice was not too large.

A jacket dress on a naked body made of thick matte silk, a little pearl, and a high choker collar with long falling threads, It was one of the old jewels I bought in a small antique shop. Vintage trinket in the style of Queen Marie-Antoinette. I had a whole collection of such chokers—some studded with precious stones made of expensive jewelry metals, others woven with the finest threads, like a skillfully woven web. Hard made of steel and leather, and soft, like angelic kisses, made of organza and velour. JiHo once said I had a choke kink if I liked things like that; maybe I did, but my ex was too “vanilla” to close his hands around my neck.

After getting dressed and styling my hair, I sat down on the couch and waited for Soomin to arrive. What should I do now? I was lost. Turn on the TV or read a book? Look at the news feed on Instagram; be sure to look at JiHo's profile to see his new photo. Does he miss me or not? Is someone else warming up his bed now that I'm not around? Is JiHo still wearing the same perfume as before, or has he found something different?

Anyway, I never liked his perfume; it was salty like tears and distant ocean breezes and rancid like decaying wood in the dense Amazon. He called them gourmet; I could only agree if they were worn by someone else, say someone more dominant and powerful. Maybe I would even find this strange, gloomy mixture of aromas attractive, inhaling it from someone else's hot skin and feeling with the touch of my lips a steadily beating pulse in the swollen veins on a strong neck.

How long does love last? Three years or more? For me, it's a moment; for others, it's an eternity. I loved him. It's true. Very strong and very long ago. My love did not resemble the indomitable elements or the explosions of colored fireworks; rather, it was the fragrant bloom of wildflowers and the scattering of stars in the sky. She was comforting, not passionate, and I wanted to see someone like me, someone who could comfort my heart and give me tenderness.

Tenderness and comfort alone were enough for me, but deep inside, I wanted something dangerous, something forbidden. I was devout, one of those people who are called “good girls,” but was it really me or the role that Mina gave me?

Maybe in the far corners of my mind, my thoughts weren’t as good and right as they should be. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself, but sometimes when I woke up from another nightmare, I was glad she was dead. Dark, reckless emotions made their way through my cracks; they were moments of despair as my anger lifted its ugly head and oozed poison and blood. My cruelty and hatred had the color of roses and smelled like chocolate. She had fox eyes and a seductive smile; desire flowed in her veins, and strangled thirst was heard in her voice.

In my nightmares, I saw not only Mina and bloody roses; sometimes there was a young man in long silk robes and a veil hiding his face. He's just a ghost; I met mine years ago, but somehow he seems more real to me night by night when he comes into my dreams without permission. He crept into them like a serpent-tempter into the Garden of Eden, slipping away at dawn like the shadow of two moons, hiding behind a door I could never open.

Unreal in my reality.

I felt the arrival of Soomin even before her long nails methodically began to knock on my door. It was as if the spell had been removed and all the sounds of the world had rained down on me in an instant. Yoru shook off her sleep and whirled around at the front door, waiting for an unknown guest. The clatter of high heels echoed in my apartment, slipping through the cracks of the door locks, and the thick smell of ambergris and blooming jasmine at night walked ahead of her, warning every one of her approaches. If I didn’t know better, I could easily have mistaken her for Mina. That was my sister once.

The whole world was just a part of her life; she was not part of the world. To be ordinary—what a bad form!

“Sarang! Sarang, open up. I’m here.” and in fact, her long nails caught on the dark wood of my front door, causing Yoru to bristle and hiss.

I was absolutely sure they wouldn’t get along.

“Are you awfully loud? Someone told you this, Soo?” I opened the front door wide, smiling softly. “I missed you, Soomin.”

“Don’t tell me about it; I missed that pretty face.” She hugged me, which made Yoru hiss again, attracting Soo’s attention. “When did you get a cat?”

“That’s not my, Yoru cat, my neighbor from apartment 1366, that door.” I waved my hand to the far end of the corridor, where Mrs. Lee’s apartment was located. “I like her; I don’t mind having the baby stay with me sometimes.”

“I see.” There was an awkward pause between us until Soo broke it. “You want to talk about… you know what.” She was worried about this topic; I could see it from the way she shifted from foot to foot, or was it from high heels? In the light of the electric lamps, the steel studs glittered like sharpened spindles from the tale of The Sleeping Beauty.

“Not now. Better tell me about this restaurant we’re going to.” Soomin was easily distracted if you changed the topic of conversation in the direction of a subject of interest to her.

I walked out of the house, taking one last look at Yoru. The cat didn't even think about leaving my space; he was already ensconced in a pile of pillows on the sofa in the living room. If she wasn't going to leave, I wouldn't force her.

“Don’t you need to return the cat to the mistress? She looks expensive.” asked Soo

“She’s a purebred Persian cat, and no, Mrs. Lee won’t worry about it; Yoru can stay with me for weeks before she comes home. This has happened before.”

“All right, if you say so.”

I shut the front door and turned the key, permanently cutting off my escape routes. Today. I have to do this today or my resolve will wear thin, and I will once again voluntarily isolate myself in the comfort of blankets and tightly closed curtains.

"And so, the restaurant..." This was the beginning of a long story that interested no more than random passersby in a faceless crowd.

“You’re going to love this place, I promise. Everything I’ve seen on their Instagram profile is so fascinating, but you know what makes this place really attractive? It’s the owner. Eun Jung was there last week, and she couldn’t shut up about…”

For the next 30 minutes, I heard about this trending establishment. “ Angels' Share” is the most requested boutique café in the last 3 months on all search engines. A luxurious café with exquisite dishes and a magnificent concept.

But most importantly, it is, of course, divine, and Soomin, the owner, was absolutely sure of this. Hundreds of girls lined up in endless lines from dawn to dusk, hoping to see him, at least for a moment.

On your first visit, the owner of “Angels' Share” personally serves you throughout your interruption there. Your name is inscribed in the book of exclusive customers in gold ink. Their main specialty is gourmet desserts, and if you are not seduced by the angelic face of the magnificent man who runs this place, then the sweets melting on your lips will do it instantly.

Full berries of scarlet strawberries in white Belgian chocolate. Mille-feuille with fresh wild berries. The devil's food is the most chocolate of all chocolate cakes, and, of course, the angel cake has the most delicate silk cream of exotic fruits.

As Soomin told me about it, she was clearly having an emotional orgasm. Her arousal was obvious, but I could not understand what she craved more: exquisite desserts or the sweet kiss of the owner.

“I think he's a real angel,” Soo finished her rant after giving a fiery speech about the unique beauty of a man she had never met in her life.

“I'm not sure if it's all true, Soomin, but you'll be able to see for yourself when we get there. You should not trust everything they say. You're too impressionable and trusting.”

We spent the rest of the journey in peaceful silence. This is the type of silence when there are a lot of questions in the air, but each side is not sure when to start asking them. I know she wanted to ask me a lot of things, and in response, I wanted to finally share my experiences and feelings that I had been desperately hiding for the past two months. Nevertheless, each of us remained silent, as if afraid to destroy fragile comfort with uncomfortable words.

When the car stopped, Soomin smiled approvingly at me, as if to say, “Go ahead, my girl!” She was good at it because she was also a cheerleader like Mina.

“Angels' Share” was impressive at first sight, and not only because of the long line of girls lined up in a perfect line and dressed in intricate clothes like collectible dolls on the shelf.

A myriad of flowers, lace, and feathers, pastel shades, and delicate ruffles—all of them looked like animated sugar fantasies. Their cheeks were dusted with pink blush, and their inflated lips were accentuated by a thick layer of transparent sticky gloss with a fine sprinkle of glitter.

Perfectly well-groomed hair is arranged in children’s cute curls or intricate hairstyles with hundreds of sparkling hairpins and velvet bows. The variety of their images was amazing, as was the height of their heels. This place was definitely something special if the girls were willing to sacrifice their comfort for a couple of desserts.

Or it wasn’t about desserts.

At such moments, I especially understood how much we needed someone else's approval. The list of items seems endless: he likes cute girls, girls with an athletic figure, pale skin, and big eyes; she should not be boring; my friends like her; she has long legs and a thin waist; and she is a certain height. I wonder if he'll use a ruler to measure me. Big boobs or a nice ass—which turns him on more? What will our first date be like? That's right; should I call him Oppa or not? Tell me what you want, and I will fulfill whatever you want. I will fulfill every one of your fantasies. Tell me about your desires.

Seduce me. Surprise me. Love me!

I don’t want to live like this. I want to be who I really am, with all my flaws and imperfections. I want to be sharp and rude; I want to be cruel and honest; I want to look as I want, without colorful tinsel and layers of makeup, with cellulite, stretch marks, and a little overweight. That may be so, but it will be me. Just me.

The voice of Soomin ripped me out of my mind.

“I told you so,” said Soo smugly, purposefully heading for the entrance, circumventing a string of discharged girls. She was a lioness on a hunt, while they were stranded in colorful piles like scared rabbits.

If you do not pay attention to the girls, the exterior is fascinating. Gold, flowers, and crystal resembled the frame of a precious box. “Angels' Share” was positioned in such a way that the sun flooded it from all sides, creating around it a mysterious golden haze of sunlight and a dazzling iridescent play of crystals.

Everything was so beautiful, I won't deny it, but didn't the gingerbread house beckon the children deep into the dark forest where the wicked witch lived? Everything beautiful always has a downside, and someone knows how to mask it better than others.

While I was looking at the details, Soomin dragged me inside and was already talking to the host girl, who was checking the records for a long list of names. She also, like the girls on the street, looked like a doll. Her hair was long and shiny, tucked away from her face with an embroidered rim with Swarovski crystals, and her eyelashes were so lush that they touched her cheeks when she blinked. I would call her beautiful; she licked to perfection, which made it almost unnatural. She had a sweet, high-pitched voice and an overly friendly smile. Annoyingly friendly.

“Please follow me; I'll show you your table. Since you have visited us for the first time, Mr. Yoon will personally take care of you today. Please enjoy your stay at “Angels' Share.”

YooA—that was the name of this girl—led us up the spiral staircase to the second floor. It seemed that everything around was carved from pale golden marble, with the addition of luxurious interior items and thousands of flowers—or, to be more precise, thousands of roses. Snow-white, cream, pastel pink, and soft peach—the whole space breathed rose buds that stood in tall transparent vases.

The sight took my breath away, and I was inwardly tense. It's okay; it's just a café, not Mina's apartment. You need to relax and not start panicking; it will not benefit anyone.

As if sensing my growing panic, Soomin squeezed my palm.

“Are you all right? You look pale.”

“Yes, it’s all right; there are too many roses for my taste; you know, it brings back memories.” I smiled tortuously in response to her words. I didn’t want to ruin her day; she was so excited and happy when we came here.

“We can leave if you are not comfortable, Sarang.” Soo still held my hand, gently walking her thumb over my palm in a comforting circular motion. “If you want to go somewhere else, this is fine. I can always come back here later.”

“No!” came out too loud. “No, I’m fine. I can’t wait to try their chocolate fondant. You know I’m here only for chocolate.” She said the last part with me in one voice.

YooA showed us our table, although it was more like a small loggia separated by airy chiffon tulle and pearl threads from the common room. I could easily fall in love with this place if not for the languid, enveloping smell of roses and the beauty of their lush, perfect buds.

“Do you think the rumors are true, and we'll see an angel appearance today?” Soomin leaned across the table to talk about the owner, not so obviously?

“I think you'll find out about it now, anyway.” I couldn't finish my thoughts, interrupted by Soo's enthusiastic sigh. It was a sound of undisguised admiration that she couldn't hold back, even if she tried.

The reason for her excitement was right behind me, and I had to look back a little to see what it could have been.

Of course, all the sounds of delight belonged to none other than Mr. Yoon. In part, I could understand why he was called angel-like. His beauty was painfully perfect, to the point where it became almost terrible. His face was beautiful—almost obsessively beautiful, like the face of a stone goddess on a grave. Surreal. The skin seemed to glow from the inside, like molten silver flowing through the veins. He had long hair—ashes, platinum, mother-of-pearl—everything mixed on a diamond cloth. One silvery strand fell delicately over his face.

Are the melodies of an angelic choir in the air, or does it just seem that way to me?

The more I looked at him, the more his appearance disgusted me.

I felt flawed and unsuitable, like a puzzle that did not fit the picture; my heart did not beat faster with excitement or sweet agony; I did not burn and did not desire it as it should. Between us, it was possible to draw thousands of parallels in a myriad of universes, and none of them ever intersected. Beauty is deceptive, like a serpent promising forgiveness. It’s the pain of a bittersweet injection entering our nervous tissue.

What do we know about them—angels? White-winged light bearers, without flaws and ignorant of evil and vicious desires, are submissive and faithful to their ideals and purposes. Silent watchers who look after our virtue. But there are those who are chained and silken, whose wings are torn out with bloody flesh, for they are sinners.

Their name is the fallen. Unforgiven.

He was not an angel. He was one of them who traded the vaults of heaven for the flames and steel of the nine circles.

His presence was heavy, stifling, and sharp. Goosebumps ran through my skin as an omen of the imminent end.

I could have sworn that the second our eyes met in his eyes, the color of dark bitter chocolate, anger, and disgust thickened. So everything that is perfect collapses, falls, beats, and crumbles like the great walls of Babylon, kissing the transcendental peak of heaven. Like a Venus flytrap, his appearance was a clever disguise of vice and rot in a velvet cage of flesh, and this place is the very gingerbread house that beckons to certain death.

“Welcome to “Angels' Share”. My name is Yoon Sung Hoon; I own this place, and today I will make sure your stay here is unforgettable.” The voice flowed like honey smoothly and gently, I could melt at this tone.

“I am Soomin, and this is Sarang; we have heard a lot about this place.” Soo’s cheeks were pink from a shy blush, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say she was embarrassed. This man was clearly something special, if he could make Soomin behave like a schoolgirl in love with just his presence.

His eyes rested on my figure for a second, and I wanted to shrink into a ball under this appraising gaze, as if he was trying to probe me and understand how dangerous I could be. It was only a moment, and then a smile shone again on his angelic face.

“I hope you’ve only heard nice things about us. What do you want today?” I wonder what he is used to hearing in response. I want you and your love, and I will accept everything you would not give me. Will you be my boyfriend? My husband? Will you give me eternal love? Judging by the expression on Soomin's face, this is exactly what she wanted to ask him, but she pulled herself up in time.

“I want to taste your best dessert.” As they say, kill them with your sweetness. Where has my self-sufficiency and t.” As they say, “kill them with your sweetness.” Where has my self-sufficient and confident self gone? Soo, this blushing mess was nothing like hers.

“Of course, only the best is for you. And what do you want?” All his attention was now drawn to me, and I had no pleasure. Yoon Sung Hoon is clearly not used to girls not falling at his feet like moths hitting the glass. Our dislike was mutual. Our dislike was mutual. “What do you want, Sarang? I would recommend one of our most special desserts: a white chocolate soufflé with candied scarlet roses.” Sung Hoon was smiling, but not at all benevolent; there was something mocking in the exquisite curve of his lips, as if he were challenging me: “Come on, try me.”

Roses. Those damn roses again. It always came down to these flowers. Were they my path leading away from the dark forest, or would they lead me straight to the crystal coffin in the tallest tower of the castle?

Instead of politely refusing, as a true lady should, I have given a crude, hoarse, and utterly evil speech:

“I hate roses.”

For me, flowers are as beautiful as the pain of a broken heart. You can call me a heartbreaker. What will your heart taste like? I'm so eager to try it.

“My apologies.” Sung Hoon bowed his head, hiding his gaze in the lace of fluttering eyelashes and platinum bangs. With this simple action, Soomin once again made a barely audible, enthusiastic sound. “In this case, I offer you our signature chocolate fondant with raspberry jam and glass caramel glaze. Our clients say that he has a heavenly taste, so celestial that he can be sinful.”

Sung Hoon—there was something about him that disgusted me. His way of speaking, his appearance, his behavior—in general, every detail of it The most beautiful apple on the branch will always be wormy. I couldn't understand how he could charm girls in a split second, without any effort, as if it were in his blood—to cause desire and awe.

During our short conversation, Soo did not look at me once, inseparably studying every detail of the angelic man. If I make an incision in his skin, will the gold pour as befits angels, or will it be the viscous and black acid that Pandora once shed from her eyes?

I didn’t like it here. I didn’t like Yoon Sung Hoon, and he probably didn’t like me. How was I in his eyes—insignificant, puny, ordinary? Our dislike was mutual but totally unfounded; I just knew I didn’t want to be in the same space with him. I can’t breathe.

Guests always leave after dessert. I didn't want to linger, so I agreed to fondant. “Okay, I'll take fondant and cappuccino.” I looked at Soomin again; her thoughts were clearly elsewhere, judging by the bitten lower lip and flushed cheeks. “And matcha latte, please.”

“Of course, ladies…” With this phrase, he finally left us, and I sighed deeply.

“I think I'm in love, Sarang.” Apparently, with his passing, Soo’s brain has resumed active activity. “He absolutely justifies all the rumors about him.”

“Yeah, I can agree with that; he’s definitely something very special.”

After Sung Hoon served desserts and another 10 minutes of heated discussion of his appearance, our conversation took its normal course. It’s like ping-pong; the rules are very simple: move from one question to another, follow the theme, and don’t miss your turn. “How's the work?” “Everything is fine.” “How’s your boyfriend?” “You remember I told you we broke up?” “What have you been doing lately?” “Too much to do; I can’t remember, but recently I came back from Japan”, “Did you like it there?” “Great seats and great cuisine.” “How do you feel, Sarang?” Say it again; I didn’t hear you.

“How do you feel, Sarang?” Once again, you speak unclearly.

“How do you feel, Sarang?” It's so loud here, I can't hear you.

“Sarang?!” Can I skip my turn? I’m tired of this game.

I took a deep, slow breath.

“What do you want me to say, Soo? Something that will calm you down or something that should comfort me? ”

“Truth, Sarang. I want to hear the truth from you.” Soomin looked at me so carefully that it seemed as though she was looking straight into my soul.

My mind moved from one thought to another, not knowing what it would focus on. Truth. What is it like, this truth? She is like a beautiful, spiritually disheveled monster with a lesbian couple of black widows in an aquarium; she exists in an endless eternity of joyful decadence and an ecstatic nightmare.

It’s no big deal to tell someone the truth, but are you ready to see your own reflection in someone else’s eyes? They say alcohol is a liquid truth, but I think it's nothing more than a road strewn with bread crumbs, straight into a dense, dark forest. The more you drink, the deeper you go. Sometimes, through the intricately woven stems of condemnation and bitterness, subtle rays of understanding break through, like the light shed by the dual face of the moon. But this happens so rarely that the eyes themselves become accustomed to the surrounding darkness.

I’m still afraid of the dark and, therefore, of the truth. Now I’m sure I’m allergic to the world.

When I looked at the café, I noticed that there were many more people. Bunny girls with colorful barrettes occupied small transparent tables filled with all sorts of desserts; others, similar to porcelain dolls, put their palms to their cheeks, flushed with embarrassment, and laughed loudly, sitting in the same loggias as ours. The sounds of clicks from selfies and aesthetic Instagram photos did not subside for a second, as did the high play of voices merging with soft background music.

This probably wasn’t the best place for such a serious conversation, but was it ever the perfect place to have a heart-to-heart?

“Honestly, I don't know. Really?” I began, stirring the thick, fragrant foam from the cappuccino. It tasted like a first kiss—a little bitter, a little sweet—something that I would like to repeat again and again. “Secrets, secrets, and more secrets—everywhere I look, no matter what I ask, they only get bigger. Everything is as usual: Mina died, and the world is still spinning around her. Remember, I told you that they still send roses? I can say that soon the cemetery will start selling bouquets because there is simply nowhere to put them. Every day there are fresh flowers on the grave.” Maybe I sounded a little petty and annoyed, but I didn't care. “I may not seem like the best person on this planet, but sometimes I feel absolutely happy that I finally managed to bury her in the ground.” Yes, this is exactly the right moment; you are not mistaken. That was my truth, like salt and pepper, like ashes, like burned dreams.

Soomin shook her head negatively.

“You shouldn't talk about yourself like that, Sarang; you're not a bad person, and we both know it; everyone around you knows it; and even that bastard JiHo knows it. You have gone through a lot, and if I were you, I would have gone crazy long ago, but look at yourself: you are here with me, in the noise of the metropolis, and you have your whole life ahead of you.” She put her hand on top of mine, and the warmth of her body penetrated mine. “Mina was who she was, and neither you nor me nor anyone else could change her. So don't let her ghost poison your life. I'm not a fan of this entire Nancy Drew thing, but I won't dissuade you. If you want my help, I'm on board.”

I laughed bitterly, taking a sip of the coffee that had already cooled. There was something special about it—sweet, ice-cold coffee, like long-cooled love.

“Yeah, you’re right; she was who she was, but I guess we were wrong about that because those flowers broke her in half. In fact, that’s the whole point of the question: where did the roses come from? She was interested in nothing but flowers and some strange prayers. She frightened me. You know, at first it looked like another love of hers; everything was as usual—she talked incessantly about flowers and admired them, but the more roses they sent us, the less she was interested in the rest of the world. Mina withered and languished while the roses bloomed. I've never seen anyone come to our house or meet someone. Nothing, just roses—hundreds of roses. You just can't imagine how many there were.”

“You know, I don’t really want to imagine it. Okay, let’s say you find something in her files. What’s next? You really need this? Maybe we should just let go, you know, scatter the ashes to the wind.” Breaking off a slice of angel cake, Soo mooed in satisfaction as the dessert was in her mouth. “Mmm, I love sweets. Who handled her legal affairs? If this is one of the free lawyers, we should hurry; the queues in these cantors are worse than here.”

“No, no, we're not going to a free advocacy team. Wait a minute.” I pulled out of my purse a small card from a thick black cardboard and handed it to Soomin. Transparent gloss on a soft matt surface looked refined and very expensive, just like the business card itself. “Silver & Black LTD” was the name of the law firm that handled Mina’s affairs.

“You’re kidding me!” She exclaimed, almost burying her face in her business card. “That’s “Silver and Black.” How did she manage to work with them? They’re one of the most elite law practitioners in all of Seoul, and I’d say across Asia. Their lawyers are real sharks in their cases; for the existence of their practice, they have not lost a single case, and the bills for their services are simply cosmic. How does she have so much money? Sarang, did you inherit her sugar daddy too? If that's the case, ask for more; you're much more expensive than a cheerleader, and nerds are always sexier and more desirable.”

“Stop saying that like I’m a whore. I don’t know where she got the money, but are their services so expensive?” My surprise was obvious. Our family was not poor, but we were not rich; we occupied that golden layer in the class hierarchy where we could just live without any worries about tomorrow. Mina and I were well provided for, but judging by Soomin’s reaction, “Silver and Black” could afford only filthy rich and influential people.

“If I were to be offered the opportunity to trade my virginity for cooperation with them, I would have done it without hesitation. Are you sure we have an appointment with them?”

“Soomin!” Frankness was always such a simple thing for her that I felt awkward at such moments. “Of course, I called them yesterday to confirm the details.”

“What? The cult of virginity is overrated anyway, but now I'm much more interested in it.”

“Let me think, more amazing men?” “How did you guess?” Soo smiled sweetly, shoving another piece of dessert into her mouth. I snorted; I couldn’t help it. "Hey, don’t laugh! You should also consider new options, since you and JiHo have broken up. Listen to me, little Sarang, nothing will warm your bed better than a hot big boy."

"Ew, Soomin." She just laughed back.

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magpies4nights · 9 months ago

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(Title is a joke don’t take this seriously (please don't go to Ecuador)) GASA4AM COSPLAY MEET UP AT 0°47'03.1"S 91°00'09.9"W 1:00 PM ECT, BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!!!! (dev log #10)

Hi guys. I haven't died yet, for the people who are waiting on my downfall. It felt like I was dying because I was sick! yippee! I mean, I still am, but I can walk around mask free because it's basically just a little itchiness in my windpipe, but compared to last week Friday (I felt so sick I couldn't even get out of bed without the help of my parents dragging me out or even lift my head for that matter), I feel great. With how sick I was, I kinda didn't get to work on the fan game as I hoped I could. Of course, I could have requested to have a break from classes, but I think they wouldn't be so lenient without a covid test and I'm sure it would have been negative. I also had to do homework on top of having a sniffly nose and walking around like I was hit by a car. You know heavy machinery? I had to deal with that with fogged up glasses. My mom apparently said that her dad lost part of his finger to a table saw, and I thought I was going to have history repeat itself, although hopefully that doesn't mean the 90's are making a come back. The only good thing that may have happened was the MTV shows, Humongous Entertainment games and the Parappa series. And before you argue with me, Nirvana started in the 80's, and Titanic (1999) is not a good movie. Rose didn't love Jack, she basically kills him in the end because there WAS enough room on that door. Everyone who says she didn't kill him is a Rose apologist/j

Anyways, no more depressing shit for now. I’m almost done with the locations. At last. I have one more to do and then it's everyone else’s sprites and maybe rework Xandra’s because there are some animation errors in her sprites such as her ears disappearing when she walks. So yeah, next week when I finally have down time and feel better I can work on them. With the way things are going I'll probably have to update y'all the week after my birthday (which is late March. You guys will know when I change my bio from 20 to 21 (whopee I get to finally drink *shudders*)), because good god, classes are also going real hard on me. Midterm on the 6th? No thank you. Not after that essay you made us write which I practically had several panic attacks because I thought that piece of shit was going to fail me. If you're asking if I failed, no, surprisingly it got me a 100. I don't know if the teacher gave me pity points but somehow she said my clarity and my content was great which is surprising because there is no way someone who is practically having a panic attack and is really sleep deprived could ever do that (me when I was writing that).

I’ll be honest, the bottom floor for the house was a nightmare because there would be times when I had to figure out how the hell it would do the thing I wanted it to do based on Xandra’s location.

Anyways, music time. For possibly the last time for dev blogs for this project:

WATER BOWL💧🥣 WATER- 🗣️ WATER- 🗣️WATER- 🗣️WATER BOWL💧🥣🗣️ W-W-W-W-WATER ✨𝓫𝓸𝔀𝓵✨ (I was sick (and I still am) when I made that song)

(I guess there's now 2 songs with vocals)

Oh yeah I also drew up some stuff to make up for Valentine’s Day because I think it’s funny. And also it’s to cope with the pain of when my parents said go to bed and I was sick and bored and I couldn't lift my head up.

I also drew up something which was an old concept I had with Priyah, where instead of just pestering Xandra she did it to everyone by disguising herself as an erson (specifically as a holiday erson) and since there was no valentines verson in GASA4AM that I knew of I decided maybe she could pretend to be one of them.

(Translation because I know my handwriting is horrendous: Hi guys I’m Valentine’s Verson but you can call me Val. I’m like your 4th cousin. (These guys don’t look convinced))

Trust me you will recognize her in that Valentine’s version/Val disguise once you smack her glasses on her and take the lipstick off.

#gasa4sc #gasa4 #fan game #fan character #fanmade music #Scaperat

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askinkiskarma · 2 years ago

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Hey! I’m so sorry if this is weird and overly personal, (which it totally is lol) and please feel free to ignore this if it’s too much! I’ve been following you for awhile and I love your work; I saw one of your responses to another ask where you talked about dealing with a tough childhood and I just wanted to ask if you had any advice for someone in the same boat? I grew up in an abusive home and I have a trauma therapist which has helped a lot, but I’ve never met anyone else who can relate, so it can feel really lonely when everyone else has a family except for you. I feel so badly about myself that I’ve never achieved anything great, but I’m trying hard to build some self-esteem so I can make something of myself. It seems like you’ve achieved so much, and I really admire how ambitious you are, so I wanted to see if you had any snippets of advice ❤️ I’m sorry this is so long and if you’re uncomfortable with answering then no problem! Lots of love 💕❤️

omg baby i'm going to cry! this means so much to me that you felt like you could come here and tell me this, don't ever feel like you're bothering me or it makes me uncomfortable, the way I'm trying to run this blog as much as I can is outside of the blue alien brainrot, i want this to be a safe space for you to be able to talk to me and to maybe get to escape the daily realities of this fucked up work, and if i can help in anyway, it is genuinely my honour!

i'm so so sorry to hear about everything you have been through, that sounds incredibly hard. unfortunately, my trauma does not come from necessarily my family, so I cannot even begin to understand how hard it must have been on you growing up in such tough conditions, and I am so sorry. I hope the therapist is understanding and helpful and is able to guide you in the best way possible.

don't ever say that you've never achieved anything great. baby, what i've learnt is that being alive, in today's day and age, in the horrible world we live in, finding the courage and strength to get up in the morning is an achievement in itself. i know it's hard to look internally and judge ourselves fairly. we will always be our harshest critics and our biggest enemies. i find myself in the same boat, and I always think I have not achieved enough, that there are better people than me who are more successful and much younger, but I try to remember that we all have our journey, and although our journey may not look like other people's, it doesn't make it less meaningful or less impactful.

it takes a while to find your footing in this world, and to find the people to help you along the way, and I think my advice is as simple as... just keep going. (tw for depression, suicidal thoughts). I have dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies since I was 13. I wanted to end my life many times, and there have been so many times where life seemed too harsh, too unfair, too difficult to see any light in it, but I promise that there is! And this world, as horrible as it is, is also beautiful, and this life worth living.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself is continue going to therapy, try to find healthy coping mechanisms (mine was/is again writing, dancing, hyperfixating on silly little shows or movies or games, drawing, i knit for a while, i swim now, i am basically learning how to take my childhood back after it was taken from me and enjoying things I would have back then, it's extremely satisfying and therapeutic, i promise!), and talk to people, let it all out. Learn to own what happened and not let it have power over you or consume you. I did that for a long time - i was embarrassed about my past, and what i went through, i was scared to talk about it and afraid that i would be judged. i am not anymore. my past is my past, and it shaped me, but it doesn't define me anymore. I get to choose who I am and who I want to be moving forward, and once I realised that, everything got a lot better.

Again, I am always here, and feel free to drop me an ask/dm anytime you want to talk or vent. I love you and I am so proud of you and you are amazing <3 xoxoxoxo

#my asks 💕#𖨆♡𖨆 andra's anonnies #i love you besties

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aijustborn · 1 month ago

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#Ruminate

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tallmantall · 11 months ago

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James Donaldson on Mental Health - Depression

Understanding symptoms and tips for finding support Depression may feel like something you may want to hide or even pretend is not there. It may be the last thing you want friends and family asking about. But giving your mental health proper care and attention may be a healthy path toward helping you get better. Being honest with yourself about how you’re feeling may help you navigate true depression or even certain days when you may feel down. Having open conversations may be one way to help decrease the stigma around depression, encouraging more people to speak up when depression happens to themselves or loved ones. Learn about mental health programs for UnitedHealthcare members #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Are there different kinds of depression? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the two most common forms of depression are:1 - Major depression: This is having symptoms of depression most of the day, every day, for at least 2 weeks. Symptoms may keep you from daily activities, like sleeping, eating, working and enjoying life. An episode of major depression may happen once in a lifetime or several times. - Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia): This is having symptoms of depression that lasts much longer, typically for at least two years. With this type, you might have episodes of major depression along with less severe symptoms. Things like loss of interest in activities, low energy or poor concentration. Life events may also determine how, when or if other forms of depression develop. These types of depression happen under specific circumstances.1 - Perinatal depression: This happens when a woman has major depression during pregnancy or after the baby is born (postpartum depression). - Seasonal affective disorder: Appropriately referred to as “SAD”, this type of depression happens when the seasons change. Ever feel blue when the sky is grey? Or maybe you get a little down when the sun sets at 6:00 PM? It’s a real thing, especially when daylight hours are short. - Depression with symptoms of psychosis: This is a severe form of depression where a person experiences psychosis symptoms, like delusions or hallucinations.1 What are signs and symptoms of depression? Depression may show itself differently for different people. However, there are some common signs that may point to feelings of depression. They include:1 - Feeling sad, anxious, or "empty" - Loss of interest in your favorite activities - Overeating or not wanting to eat at all - Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much - Feeling really tired - Aches, pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that may not get better with treatment - Thoughts of death or suicide You may read this list and think, "Some of these sound like me. Do I have depression?” Keep in mind the symptoms of depression may need to be present for most of the day, every day, for at least 2 weeks.1 If that sounds like you, schedule a visit and tell your doctor how you’re feeling. Or, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. How can I recognize the signs and what can I do? If you’re anticipating a big life change that may be stressful, you feel yourself getting more anxious, or you know you experience SAD during the fall and winter, consider taking extra care of your mental health. Consider these ideas that may help you with feeling more content, less anxious and more in tune with recognizing possible signs of depression. - Be around people you love (even seeing friends virtually may help) Spending time with family and friends – or even new acquaintances may help improve your mood.2 - Stay active. Exercising reduces stress, anxiety and feelings of depression. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which gives your brain feelings of happiness.3 Consider finding a physical activity you enjoy doing and make it part of your regular routine.3 - Eat for a better mood. Diet impacts how we feel physically, mentally and emotionally. There are certain foods we can eat to help support a happy body and mind.4 - Meditate. Meditation is gaining traction as a common practice to help manage stress and improve our mental clarity.5 - Find a furry friend. Animals may be more than just cute to look at. Studies show that having a pet can actually help lift our mood.6 If you're not ready for a pet of your own, consider other ways to benefit from time with animals, like volunteering at a local animal shelter, fostering a pet or even visiting with a neighbor who has a friendly pet. - Talk to a therapist. People often think of therapy as a way to fix something that’s broken. The truth is, many people may see a therapist as a way to proactively manage stress and help to stay on top of their mental well-being. Prefer a virtual visit? Apps like Talkspace offer 24/7 access to therapists whenever and wherever you need. You can also look into what mental health resources may be available through your UnitedHealthcare health benefit plan. A note about finding help for your depression Natural remedies for depression, like the ones listed here, may work well for some people. However, others may also need medical treatment for depression and anxiety. That’s why it’s important to talk to a health care provider who specializes in mental health and depression. They may be able to determine the best way to help. Learn more about how to choose a mental health provider. You might also find helpful mental health resources that may be offered through your UnitedHealthcare benefit plan. What kind of doctor should I see for help? The first step in seeking professional help is to visit your primary care provider (the doctor or provider you might see for your yearly exam). Your doctor may do some basic screening and ask questions to learn more about your symptoms. You may also want to bring a list of your own questions. From there, you might be referred to a mental health specialist, like a psychiatrist or psychologist.7 There are also resources available to help you learn more about choosing a mental health provider. Remember, this is your health journey. You can feel empowered to ask questions that help shape a care plan that's comfortable for you. Read the full article

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thepaperpanda · 2 years ago

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The Healing Power of Love || Steven Grant x fem!Reader Drabble

Summary: one day Steven starts talking to you about his existential anxiety and how your love healed him. It encourages you to be open about yourself as well.

Warnings: mentions of anxiety & depression

Word count: ~ 1050

Authors: Fenrir & Cass

As Steven sat on a small coffee table with a newspaper in his hands, he suddenly asked, "Have you ever thought about life itself? Occasionally, I imagine life as a playlist of songs playing on shuffle, not knowing what to expect next. There might be a sad song or something upbeat to get us dancing. Whatever the case may be, I know that I enjoy listening to music. Life is just as enchanting to me as music, even when it means some tough times..." His tone was a bit sorrowful as he spoke.

Taking your eyes off your phone, you slowly blinked, feeling a little confused. The timing of Steven's statement was odd and out of the blue. "It's an intriguing way to state it, love. What prompted you to think like this?"

"I would like to be entirely honest with you. Life hasn't been easy - I have spent the last few months trying to get my life in order. This is especially difficult for me since everything I believed in has been shattered. That was the moment I discovered the truth about my past and realised that I was not 'real', but just an alter. I hope you do understand what I mean."

Your head nodded slowly as you placed your phone on the coffee table and adjusted your position on the couch. "According to what I've learned so far, I think I know what you mean."

"In my search for the pieces of the life I thought I knew, I am trying to sort them out. It is challenging for me to find the words to describe the change in my life that occurred. Normal things became huge obstacles, and I don’t want to add those pieces to the new picture of myself. There were trust issues, fears, disgust, and broken family ties. There were panic attacks and a lot of crying, but also numbness. Uncertainty..." Steven's voice fell away, and a single teardrop rolled down his cheek.

You cupped his cheek, gently wiping the teardrop away with your thumb as you moved closer to him. "It's true, there are parts of ourselves that we don't even know about, but look at you," you smiled gently at him. "In spite of the enormous obstacles, you're doing well."

"You know, Y/N... If there was a map explaining how to navigate life, I would take a long look and then hand it to you. But none of this is simple. A map for me might not make sense to you. The places I would love to go or need to go, aren’t the places you hope to or will visit. Life is tricky. It is complicated. Everyone has to figure it out for themselves. Their hopes and dreams, who they want to be, and how they want to spend their days. In the past, there were days of deep depression and despair, not wanting to exist, not wanting to feel the pain, not wanting to feel anything. But I also got to live so many beautiful days because you came into my life..." Steven whispered quietly, looking at you hesitantly. "Do you love me?" He asked. "For who I am?"

You gently kissed his knuckles with the same soft smile you gave him earlier. "You know... I was stuck in that state that was like a heavy stone around my neck. I am sure that no 'life map' would show me the right direction. I was certain there was no place where I had a right to exist," you whispered sadly. "I tried distracting myself from it, hoping maybe in this attempt... I'd be able to escape this overwhelming feeling. But you know what?" You asked sadly.

Steven shook his head soundlessly, his eyes fixed on yours.

When you recalled your first meeting with Steven, you said, "There was this sad smile that gradually started to cut through that bloody rope. It cut the rock off. There have been a lot of bad things I have dropped since I met you, but there have also been a lot of new things I have picked up that are better, but I know one thing for sure," you squeezed his hand softly. "I would never pick up those without you. I would let that stone drag me down until I cut myself off. In other words, I didn't have a life map, but I found a compass. There is someone special who helped me, and I know I love this person so deeply. I can never imagine my life without you."

"I love you," Steven whispered, cupping your cheeks in his palms and rubbing them with his thumbs before crushing his lips on yours. The kiss he offered was sweet like a honey, maybe a little messy but it came from the depths of his passion and love for you. "When life seems hopeless, I want you to know that I have hope for us. When I cannot see my path, I know you have hope for me. On days when you cannot see your path, I have hope for you. When you share hope, it doesn't become less. It becomes more. Even abundant, I would say. So, if you need some hope, I have it for you. Thank you for being my solid ground, my safe haven where I can always be myself. It means a lot to me that you love me for who I am. The way no one else has ever loved me," Steven said, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

You didn't even try to stop yourself from crying. There was no need for you to be ashamed of your tears at this point. "Thank you for loving me and saving me from many terrible things. I promise to do the same in return."

"Your hug has woven our souls together in a way that's a forever bond," Steven chuckled, resting his chin on top of your head. With you by my side, the world slowed down on its axis. No time passed, no wind blew, no rain fell, and no sadness existed. Steven's mind was at peace. This was the love he had prayed for, the love he had waited for. Inwardly, Steven thanked God and hugged you even tighter. Love like this should be cherished for a lifetime.

#steven grant #steven grant x reader #steven grant x you #steven grant x y/n #moon knight #moon knight x you #moon knight x reader #steven grant angst #steven grant drabble #steven grant fic #steven grant one shot #steven grant fiction #moon knight fic #moon knight writing #moon knight drabble #writers on tumblr

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metalandmagi · 4 years ago

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Winter 2021 Anime Worth Watching!

Since 2020 basically sacrificed itself to give us the most stacked anime season of all time, I’m currently buried under the weight of almost 20 shows airing per week. So for anyone who’s looking for some anime to watch this winter, here’s some first impressions! I’m speed running my list this time by only talking about the new shows...because otherwise this would be my great American novel.

If anyone’s interested, I have master lists for both 2020 anime and 2019 anime, because there’s no shortage of fun things to find.

New Shows!

And before anyone asks, So I’m A Spider, So What? isn’t on here, because CG spiders freak me out.

Cells At Work Code Black: This...less comedic spin off of Cells At Work (made by a different studio) takes the wholesome concept of Osmosis Jones meets cute anime girls and turns it on its head. In this much more depressing version, we follow a rookie red blood cell who works in the body of an overly stressed, alcoholic smoker who puts every strain on the body imaginable. I love Red Blood Cell AA2153 and his co-workers, but man am I glad we get the regular Cells At Work airing this season too, because I need something fun and uplifting after seeing my sweet son go through hell every episode.

*Heaven’s Design Team: Have you ever wondered how God came up with some of the weird ass animals that live on this planet? Like, what’s the deal with giraffes? And why can’t we have dragons and flying horses? Well this is a comedy about the engineers and designers in heaven creating the new animals that are going to inhabit the Earth. That’s it, that’s the show. It’s kind of in the same vein as Cells At Work, having comedy blend with a surprising amount of educational information. If you want something light and funny, this is the show for you (though I don’t think it needs to have full length episodes). I’m just hoping there’s an episode about how the hell the platypus was created. Also it’s the only new one available on Crunchyroll.

Horimiya: A romantic comedy about a girl named Hori who fits the image of a perfect queen bee and a quiet bespectacled boy named Miyamura who never makes an impression at school. When the two meet by chance outside of the classroom, we see that Hori is practically raising a younger brother by herself, and Miyamura is actually a sweet guy who happens to be covered in tattoos and piercings. This show is an exercise in breaking down the images people have of others in their minds, and it’s a concept that really hits home in a fun and meaningful way. Honestly, this has become one of my immediate favorites. The characters have great chemistry, and I can’t wait to see more of them!

Monster Incidents (Kemono Jihen): When big shot Tokyo detective Inugami is called to a rural town to investigate a series of strange animal deaths, he finds a mysterious boy with the nickname Dorotabo who has been shunned by the other children in town. As the detective gets closer to Dorotabo, he discovers that there may be more...inhuman secrets to the boy than he realizes...and Dorotabo discovers that Inugami has some secrets of his own. This is a hard show to sell without spoiling the first episode, but it had twists and turns that kept me engaged from start to finish. I’m really interested to see where the plot goes, because I thought this was going to be something totally different just from the PV and series summary. If it plays its cards right, this could be a great paranormal detective show!

Wonder Egg Priority: A psychological drama about a girl named Ai who starts having dreams about a mysterious egg that promises to give her what she wants most in the world...a true friend. Before long, she begins to see how the dream world and reality are tied together, and trippy antics ensue. It’s hard to say more without spoiling anything, but I had to go back and add this one in because I made the mistake of thinking it was an OVA when it’s actually a full series. And what a series it’s starting out to be. This anime has all the psychological discomfort of a Satoshi Kon product with the beauty and style of something from Kyoani (even though it’s made by Clover Works). It’s really one of those anime you just have to see to understand.

Sk8-∞ (Skate the infinity): An original skateboarding anime from Bones, featuring a typical sports anime protagonist who takes a new transfer student who has never skateboarded in his life under his wing. Together they compete in dangerous races and take the skating community by storm. The character designs rival Appare Ranman’s in outlandish creativity, and I can smell the main characters’ ship dynamic a mile away (considering they’re exactly the same as the protagonists from Robihachi). If you’re looking for some wild and crazy fun with top notch skateboarding animation, don’t skip this!

2.43: Seiin Koukou Danshi Volley-bu (Seiin High School Boys Volleyball Club): Yes, it’s another volleyball anime. And no, it’s not just a clone of Haikyu. This story follows Yuni Kuroba, a physically built but emotionally weak teenager who finds out his childhood friend Hajime is moving back to their hometown for high school. Yuni discovers Hajime has become an exceptional volleyball player and they join their school’s volleyball club hoping to turn the unknown team into a rising star. If anything, this anime is much more like Stars Align or Free, where the sport is a backdrop for letting the characters explore their personal problems. Or at least it seems that way after the first episode. I went into this show ready to throw it in the trash because how could anything compete against my beloved Haikyu, but I found myself really enjoying the dynamics of the main duo and I’m curious to see what the rest of the team is like.

And speaking of sports anime rip-offs…..I can’t believe I’m including this but…

Skate Leading Stars: The show where the animators clearly wanted to design another throw away idol anime but saw how popular Yuri On Ice was so they decided to make whatever the hell this show is instead. It revolves around a fictional team sport called skate leading, and we follow the world’s most insufferable main character, a former figure skater named Kensei who wants to return to the ice and join his school’s skate leading team after he finds out his childhood rival is going to compete in the sport. Look, this show is just trashy enough to get a certain type of audience hooked, and it mainly has to do with the best boy of the winter season, Hayato Sasugai, the aspiring team “coach” who pulled most of us into watching this show with his punk appearance, snide comments and smug personality. He’s basically the lovechild of Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima in a high school sports anime setting. The show treats itself with the perfect amount of sincerity to get away with being absolutely ridiculous most of the time without making you feel like you’re watching it from a dumpster...like Try Knights. You will know after one episode whether this show is for you. All I can say is, Hayato is worth the watch, and I haven’t seen any 3D animation used for the skating scenes (yet) so that’s a win for me.

Honorable mention:

Jobless Reincarnation ( Mushoku Tensei): Yet another isekai where the main character is hit by a car (big surprise) and gets reincarnated into a fantasy world...but he happens to remember his previous life and narrates himself growing up as a jaded adult. I’m only including this because it looked amazing animation wise, and I love the opening where getting hit by a car and dying is actually traumatic. And I love the protagonist’s parents (who are retired adventurers who just want to bang all the time). But honestly...the main character is the fucking worst, and I don’t know if I want to keep watching it because of how creepy and weird he is. Like...he’s the hit on your fantasy mom as a baby kind of creepy and weird. But for anyone who wants a cool looking isekai that had an amazing PV, it’s worth checking out.

Continuing Series!

Because the real gold of the season is in all the established anime getting their next seasons, I’m just going to list some of the things that are also amazing and definitely worth checking out if you haven’t already (because I’ve already talked about most of them at some point and don’t know what else to say).

Attack On Titan season 4

The Promised Neverland season 2

Beastars season 2

Log Horizon season 3

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime season 2

Re: Zero season 2 (second cour)

Dr. Stone season 2

Cells at Work season 2

Osomatsu-san season 3 (second cour)

Higurashi New (second cour)

Jujutsu Kaisen (second cour)

Not to mention all the shows I don’t watch that everyone else loves...like World Trigger (which I have seen quite a bit of, but long shounen shows are too much for me now) Quintessential Quintuplets, and Non Non Biyori.

So there’s just some of all the anime airing this season. Hopefully, someone can find something they like. Here’s to a great year...well, of anime at least...

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devildomimagines · 3 years ago

Note

if it's not too dark, can you do a reaction of the brothers, royals, and purgatory halls to seeing mc's scars on the wrist and finding out that they actually had a shitty life back in the human world and that's why they're so happy to stay in the devildom?

I hope you both don't mind that I combined prompts. They had overlapping themes and I think I would be writing very similar reactions for both. Also I apologize for how long this took and how all over the place it is. I wrote this in sections as the mood hit me because it is kind of heavy so some are longer than others.

I put everyone under the read more for triggering content. Also for Asmo’s section, the scars are on MC’s thighs and in Satan’s section I added that he previously self-injured to change it up a bit.

I hope you are taking care of yourself too Anon! My inbox/messages are always open to you and anyone that may need it! 💕

Warnings: Mentions of depression, anxiety, shitty family life, and self harm.

Belphegor

He sees the scars when you are asleep.

He was untangling you from the blankets so he could have some and when he moved your arm, your sleeve stayed caught in the blanket.

Belphie knew what the marks meant.

For a moment his memory flashes back to when he was in the Celestial Realm. When Lilith and he found out what humans were doing to themselves, the pair cried, completely heartbroken that the beings they adored would do that to themselves.

They had gone to Lucifer for comfort and he tried to explain and console them.

The weight of the discovery crashed over Belphie now. He was frozen as his heart felt strangled.

Lucifer's words rang in his ears now, "To be mortal is a heavy burden."

Gently, Belphie kissed your wrist, laying it down in front of you.

He adjusted the blanket to cover you both and then he scooped you into his arms.

At this point you hadn’t mentioned anything, he debated if he should ask.

Would it make you feel worse to talk about the feelings and experiences behind your scars?

You giggled in your sleep, a good dream making itself known to Belphie.

He decided he wouldn’t ask but he’d listen if you ever bring it up.

When you woke up from your nap, you noticed Belphie was a little softer with you.

“What’s gotten into you?” You tease but you were suspicious there was an ulterior motive.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Belphie avoided your gaze.

“Hm, you’re not planning on killing me again, are you?”

“W-What?? No!” He finally looked at you angry and confused how you arrived at that conclusion.

“Well that’s a relief,” You laughed and pat his shoulder briefly before leaving your hand resting there, “What’s up?”

“N-nothing,” He pulled at your other sleeve and leaned his head on your hand. When he brought his free hand to hold your wrist, his fingers laid over the top and his thumb grazed a line across the bottom.

“Ah, so that’s it,” you thought. “You know, I really enjoy our time together.”

“Yeah?” He sounded hopeful.

“Mhmm, and being in the Devildom, while sometimes scary, has been really good for me.”

Belphie scoffed, “How can something scary be good for you?”

A dark look washed over your face, “Where I was coming from was pretty scary sometimes…” Shaking your head, “but that’s not a conversation for now.” You checked your phone and then showed Belphie the text, “Beel is waiting for us.”

He pushed your phone down, “You know if you ever want to talk, I’m always here for you.”

With a nod you joke, “If I catch you awake long enough, maybe I’ll tell you.”

At that he couldn’t help but roll his eyes, “I’m being serious.”

“I know,” you ruffle his hair, “I’d like to tell you one day but for now,” you nod your head to the door, “let’s go meet your brother.”

Belphie agrees and takes your hand protectively as you lead the way out of the room.

Beelzebub

It was a lazy day of hanging around the HOL. It was cooler outside so you planned on making stew for your dinner shift.

Beel drooled over your shoulder as he watched you stir the pot.

Without asking, you held up the spoon to give him a taste.

He closed his eyes and hummed around the spoon. He grabbed your wrist so you couldn’t withdraw the utensil.

It made you giggle, no matter how simple the dish, Beel always appreciated food. It made you feel like a superstar chef every time.

“When can we eat?”

“It still needs to simmer for two hours.”

“Two hours?” he opened his eyes and groaned, then his stomach joined in and growled.

You debated forfeiting the spoon but decided to give him a boop on the nose, “Good things come to those that wait.” With that he let you move your arm down but he kept a hold of you.

“Good things, like soup?” He smiled, looking longingly at the crock.

You laughed, “Exactly, like soup.”

Beel finally looked back at you and his eyes wandered to where he was still holding your wrist. That was when he saw a few scars. His brow furrowed and he moved your sleeve up with his hand and saw more.

Even though the soup was bubbling away, the kitchen seemed to have gone cold for a moment.

“MC, what are these?” he asked, holding your arm tighter.

“Was he mad?” You thought, his face made it hard to read but decided this wasn’t anger. “They’re a long story,” surely he wouldn’t want to listen to your complaints when he had soup on the brain.

“Well,” Beel pulled you gently towards the dining room, “we’ve got two hours, is that long enough?”

It was touching that Beel was putting you first, “Mhm, but um…” how to start…

“It’s ok, MC, take your time,” he rubbed your arm reassuringly.

“Thanks Beel, it’s kind of a lot. I guess I’d like to start with: I don’t feel the same as I did when I made these.”

His eyes go wide with the confession they were self-inflicted.

“Back in the human world, I did not have a good life, there was a lot going wrong. My family was falling apart, my grades were slipping and I was buried under a mountain of student loan debt. It felt like there was no way out and I had no one to turn to.”

Beel stayed quiet, intent on listening without interruption but he moved his hand from your arm to your hand.

“It was… overwhelming to say the least. As a way to cope, I started cutting myself.”

At that Beel whimpered, you knew he hated seeing his loved ones hurting.

Quickly you covered, “I haven’t, since coming here. It’s like everything has turned around once I met you all. I feel so loved living here with your family and as tough as Lucifer has been, my grades have been improving,” you laughed bitterly thinking about the rigorous study sessions.

“MC, I had no idea, I’m so sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry Beel. I’m in a much better place mentally and I owe that to you and your family.”

“We owe you so much too, thank you for being you,” Beel’s sweet smile graced his features.

“I should be thanking you!” You could feel yourself warm under his gaze.

“You’re like soup!”

Not going to lie, that did throw you off, “H-how so?”

“You always make me feel warm and full of love.” He giggled with a blush and you instantly knew what he was talking about since you could feel it too.

“How about we get some actual soup?”

“Yeah?” He perked up even more.

“Yeah, it should be ready now, let’s go,” you grabbed his hand to drag him back to the kitchen.

He squeezed your hand happily humming at the thought of stew. “Hey MC, would you let me be your soup too?”

“Aw, of course, you already are though!”

[honestly the sweetness of Beel, I couldn’t get too angsty with him]

Asmodeus

Somehow, he has a knack for catching you as you’re changing. He’ll deny it but the amount of times he’s walked in on you changing is more than just pure chance.

He’ll laugh and cover his eyes, all the while peeking through the slots in his fingers as you push him out of your room or turn him around to face a wall.

Today he literally found you with your pants around your ankles. “Asmoooo” you whined and the demon understood.

He started to cover his face with a laugh, “Sorry love, I just had to show you-” his D.D.D. screen alight with a picture from Devilgram.

You waited for him to finish his sentence as you finished pulling up your pants but he didn’t. You looked from the phone to his face and his attention was on your legs.

“Asmo?”

He snapped back to attention. “Sorry for staring.” But his mirth from before was gone, now replaced with something somber but you couldn’t place what caused the shift.

“Is this the demon model you were talking about before?” You took his D.D.D.

“Mhm,” it wasn’t like Asmo to not divulge all the gossip he could about this model.

“Is something wrong?” You locked his D.D.D. to give him your undivided attention.

“You know you can always talk to me, right?”

“Yes?” You weren’t quite following though.

“Like about anything! I would never judge you and I would keep your secrets.”

“Uh huh… I already do tell you everything and I hope you are keeping my secrets!” You tried joking but it didn’t land with Asmo. “Why are you bringing this up all of a sudden?”

He squirmed for a second, clearly not sure but blurted out, “Your thighs.”

Then it hit you like a freight train. “Get out.”

“No, MC please,” Asmo begged but you were pushing him towards the door.

“You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“MC it’s not-” Asmo was in your doorway now. He decided to stand his ground and his demon strength stopped you from pushing him further, “It’s not a big deal!”

You paused your efforts, “Not a big deal?” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing, “Get out of my doorway,” you commanded with your pact.

He whimpered as the spell forced him to step back.

With tears in your eyes, “I can’t believe you would say that.” Then slammed the door shut.

“MC!” Asmo banged on the door, “That’s not what I meant!”

“Just go away, I need space.”

He accepted and retreated to his room for now but he would not let this go unresolved.

At dinner, you sat as far from him as you could manage and the others could feel the tension between you two. That and the fact that Asmo was pouting at you through the whole meal and you wouldn’t give him a second of your attention.

“MC,” Asmo grabbed your arm after everyone cleared their spot, “I’m really sorry.”

You sighed, knowing you couldn’t stay mad at him, “Thank you for your apology. I want you to know I was really disappointed with how you reacted but it wasn’t exactly how I would have wanted you to find out either.”

“Then let’s redo it!” Asmo chirped.

“What?”

“Come here,” He slid his hand down your arm to hold yours. Asmo started leading you out of the dining room. “If that’s not how you wanted it to go then let’s start with a clean slate,” he stopped, “Where would you have wanted to tell me?”

“Uh, the planetarium?”

“Got it!” Asmo dragged you up to the observatory. “What else?”

“I guess we’d be watching the stars and talking on a blanket?”

Asmo nodded, opened a closet to pull out Belphie’s secret soft stash. He shook out the blanket to lay it in front of you, he took a seat and patted the space next to him.

Resigned to doing this, you plopped down.

“I swear I’ll do better this time around,” Asmo took your hand, “Please give me a second chance.”

With a sigh, you started your story. He was your best friend so you really couldn’t hold out against him batting his eyes at you.

To his credit, he was nothing but supportive throughout. Even when your stories wandered to the darker side, he stayed with you, offering his undivided attention, comforting touches if you wanted, and ultimately a shoulder to cry on as you laid out everything.

It was exhausting to share your soul, and as you rested against him, he finally said, “Thank you for trusting me, MC. It means the world to me and so do you. I’ll always be on your side if you ever need me,” His voice hitched, “So if you think about hurting yourself again, can you come to me first?”

You nodded slowly, you hadn’t thought of cutting since coming to the Devildom, probably because you always had someone like Asmo to turn to if you needed help.

Satan

Imagine being born of anger and grief. This demon will understand your feelings to his core.

He’s unassuming when you first come to the Devildom but he’s watched and read too many detective series to not see signs of you covering something up.

Satan has noticed how you’re careful to keep your arms covered, at first dismissing this as a fashion choice.

He also noticed how you rub your wrists when stressed or hide your hand behind your back when someone calls out your habit.

It has made him curious but it was only after you two have a pact, after you’ve broken down his walls, that he wants to earn the same from you.

One day when you’re both in the HOL library, you were studying and Satan was working on an essay. You started rubbing your wrist absentmindedly.

“That’s an interesting habit,” Satan commented, “Did you pick that up from someone?”

“Um, if I tell you, can you keep it a secret?” You looked around to make sure no one else was in the library.

Satan nodded, he was suddenly very interested in your answer, why would you have to check for eavesdroppers?

You revealed your wrist and whispered, “I used to cut myself back in the Human Realm. I got kind of used to the bite pain when I’m stressed so I just kind of rub the scars to remind and soothe myself.”

To be honest, your words were falling on deaf ears. Satan was stuck on the scars in front of him. He could not believe that you did this to yourself too.

“Satan?” It wasn’t like him to not have something to say or relate it to something he’s read.

“Sorry, uh,” He gently took the back of your hand. “Before I met you, I actually used to self-harm too.”

Your eyes widened, that was the furthest from what you were expecting.

“I was desperate for something that would take me out of my anger and the pain was effective most of the time.” Satan described and searched your face, “Why did you?”

“The hopelessness of my situation, there was so much deteriorating around me and there was nothing I could do to improve any of it. The pain and the scars were grounding that for now I do exist and at the very least I can control something.”

Satan nodded in understanding.

“Where are your scars?” You were curious, “But if you’d rather not show-”

“I would if I could. Being a demon, my injuries heal without scarring. But typically I would use my tail and lash it against my stomach. The ache as it healed lasted longer there since, depending on the placement, I could feel it with every breath.”

“Ah,” you really hadn’t thought anyone here would understand you this deeply. Satan seemed to be thinking the same as his eyes sparkled looking at you.

Satan took your hand and asked for your other hand.“I want you to know that you’ve changed my life, just by being yourself. You are so important to me, and if no one has said it or you still doubt it, your life has meaning.”

You squeezed his hands, their warmth radiated to you and you could feel his care in how he gently handled you. “I would say the same about you. You are more than your wrath, you are more than your connection to Lucifer, your worth outweighs all of that. You are so much more, I hope I have shown you that and continue to remind you of that.”

“You have and I want to do the same for you,” Satan promised. Neither of you had thought that you’d find such a connection and that made it all the more precious.

Leviathan

(I’ve definitely written this before but I feel like as an internet dweller, he knows a lot that we don’t give him credit for.)

He might be one of the last of the brothers you want to tell because you fear he’d freak out but honestly he might be one of the most understanding.

Hear me out, he gets the negative self thoughts and being subjected to things that are outside his control.

The gaming community can be pretty toxic too so over his lifetime, he’s heard it all.

The first time he’s seen your scar would be the first night you two do a movie/gaming marathon in his room. It was a head to head game and you were both elbowing and twisting around in sync with your characters, totally immersed in what was happening on screen.

Levi looked over at you, about to dish out some smack talk, but the screen changed color and the light caught the inside of your wrist.

The playfulness left him immediately and he got distracted making you win.

“Ha! I knew I could take you!” you cheered and stuck out your tongue in his direction.

He found himself smiling sadly and tried to pretend that his change in disposition was because he lost and not his thoughts running away with terrible ideas. “Alright enough of that.”

“What, you don’t want a rematch? Afraid you’ll lose again?” You taunted.

“Something like that,” he picked out a movie and changed the input on his monitor.

He plopped down in his spot next you. You could tell he was more upset about something other than losing, you took his hand knowing it was like a lie detector, “Is something wrong?”

Levi’s grip tightened then he forced it to relax, a tell that there was something wrong but he wasn’t going to tell the truth, “No, not really.”

“Really?” you squeezed his hand.

“Ummm,” he hesitated, uncomfortable with whatever was bothering him.

“You don’t have to tell me, just know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.”

He looked shocked and then blushed as he mumbled, “I should be telling you that.”

“Me?” Now you were confused.

Levi resigned himself to saying he saw your scars. “I’m sorry. You probably mean for me to see it and I get it if you hate me for bringing it up. If you want to leave I totally understand, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Agh I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Levi, Levi, Levi,” you shifted to cup his face with your hands, “It’s ok, I uh, actually was planning on telling you.” You blushed at your confession.

“Really?” The pair of you sat flustered for a minute.

You recovered first and let him go. “So I guess first is that I hope you will keep your promise to keep it a secret. I’ll tell the others eventually since they deserve to know too but I wanted to tell you first.”

He is honored to the highest level. “Of course!” His eyes are shining and it makes you smile.

“Ok, well,” you gulp and roll up your sleeve.

Levi lightly takes your offered arm. He looks between you and your arm like he was seeking permission or checking consent.

“Um,” this was tougher than you had thought it would be, “Also to be upfront, I just want you to know I did these while in the Human Realm. I haven’t cut since being here.”

Levi nodded, you could tell he was all ears, not daring to interrupt.

“There was a lot going wrong. My family, school and finances were all suffering. It all got really overwhelming,” even now you could feel the anxiety bubbling up just thinking about it.

You were brought back by Levi rubbing soothing circles with his thumbs. It was something you did to him when he was overwhelmed and it helped to get it back now.

“I’m ok, thanks. Like I said it was a lot and I recognize that some of it was out of my control but some of it was my fault. I couldn’t help blaming myself more and more until I reached a point that I needed some kind of punishment or release and um yeah.”

“I’m sorry that it got to that point for you, MC.”

“I’m in a better place, both mentally and well physically. Being in the Devildom has been amazing and I kind of don’t want to leave at the end of the exchange program.” You laughed nervously.

“W-we could do that!” Levi chirped. “I could make that happen! If you want to stay, you should!” He absolutely loved the idea of having you there with him for longer.

“I mean, really? Can I?” You turned your hand over to grip his arms.

“Y-yeah! We’ll figure out the details later but you’re more than welcome to stay here with me!” He blushed furiously, “I MEAN YOU CAN STAY IN THE DEVILDOM! And while I am here, you don’t have to stay for me or with me!”

Taking a moment to be bold, “I’d stay for you.”

Congrats, you’ve killed him.

Mammon

You had rolled up your sleeves to work on the dishes. Without asking Mammon joined you at the double basin sink to help.

Bumping elbows with the second born had its own simple comfort. The two of you caught up on the day’s events and if you came across any dish with some extra baked on food you couldn’t get off, The Great Mammon offered to use his demon strength to scrub it extra hard.

You were handing over a pot but instead of the pot, he grabbed your hand.

Confused, you looked up at him and then followed his gaze to your wrist, oh.

Even though you tried to pull away, he didn’t let go, “When d’ya get hurt?”

“I uh…” you tried to find the quickest way to explain but it really wasn’t a conversation for dishes. “I’ll explain in my room after we finish the dishes.”

Mammon looked between your face and your wrist, ultimately nodding and letting you go. He took your pot and set quietly to scrubbing.

In fact he didn’t speak up for any of the rest of the dishes but he did keep looking over at you and you chided yourself for souring your time together.

You both walked silently to your room, he immediately sat down on the foot of your bed.

For a second you paced, trying to find a way to make it interesting, or funny, or at least more pleasant. You didn’t want to burden Mammon.

“So…”

“So…” Mammon repeated.

You rubbed your face, “Well I guess there is no round about way to say this. I did these to myself,” You rolled up a sleeve. “Back in the Human Realm, things were getting bleak and I was desperate for a release that I just started…” you looked at your wrist. It already sounded pathetic, somehow cementing your unworthiness in being a prestigious ambassador.

Mammon gently took your hand, you hadn’t heard him get up. He led you to sit on the bed with him. “It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it,” he offered you an out.

“It’s not that. I don’t want you to worry about me, since being here, I really feel different than I did when I was cutting.”

“Of course you do!” Mammon puffed his chest, “You’ve got a pact with the Great Mammon! You’re basically untouchable, except for my bratty brothers.”

You laughed, “Yeah, maybe that’s it. I’ve never had someone to look out for me like you do. Thank you,” you moved his face towards yours, “Seriously.”

His chest deflated a bit as his face turned red, he mumbled, “Y-yeah.” After regaining some composure he asked, “So what was bothering you in the Human Realm?”

“Ha! What wasn’t falling apart might be a quicker answer,” You fell back onto the bed.

Mammon fell back too but looked at you earnestly, waiting for your answer.

The two of you would talk as long as you wanted, late into the night even. Both sharing your past traumas and becoming supporting columns in each other’s lives.

Lucifer

He was somewhat aware of your home life from reviewing your file for candidate selection.

Lucifer read through Barbatos’ review meticulously. Lucifer picked up that the butler was leaving parts out. Lucifer didn’t like mysteries, mysteries by definition are unknowable and uncontrollable and Lucifer hates that which he can’t control.

From the day you were accepted as a human representative, he vowed to figure out your mystery.

Throughout the year, you proved your intentions, helped his family recover from their centuries old trauma, and became a trusted confidant to the eldest.

But always in the back of his head was the nagging thought that something was being withheld.

He decided that the best way was to approach it head on so he asked you to join him for some tea in his study.

The fireplace was lit and the tea was the perfect temperature by the time you arrived.

“So cozy~” you relaxed into the seat next to him, “Thank you for this.”

Lucifer couldn’t help but smile softly, “I thought we could use a relaxing evening after this week.”

You laughed, “Yeah, Diavolo always keeps you on your toes and your brothers keep me on mine.”

He hummed a laugh as he picked up his tea cup, “I appreciate you helping them when I cannot.”

You took a sip of your tea before you replied, “I don’t think it’s so much helping but more like risk management, but I’m happy to spend the time with them.”

“You really have the patience of an angel,” Lucifer took a sip of his tea. He savored the warmth of the fire on the outside and the warmth of the tea through his body. His muscles loosened as he watched you watching the fire.

“I’m nothing like an angel,” You offered quietly. Lucifer thought he saw a sad look pass over your face or maybe it was the flickering light of the flames playing a trick.

Either way, Lucifer recognized this was his way in, “What makes you say that?”

You put your tea cup down and rubbed your wrist, Lucifer recognized your tell that you were troubled. “I don’t know, we all have things we wish we did differently, right?”

Lucifer closed his eyes and nodded, he could relate to that.

“Hey, Lucifer,” You started and he reopened his eyes, “How do you stay strong in the face of adversity?”

This was the first time he saw you so unsure of yourself since coming to the Devildom. It was quite the contrast with how you carried yourself in front of his brothers and other participants in the exchange program. “Hm, I guess it comes down to confidence in my own abilities and surprisingly, trusting my brothers.”

Although he had tried to lighten the mood with the end of his sentence, you stared down at your tea unphased. “What if you didn’t have your brothers, would your own abilities be enough?”

Lucifer put down his tea and touched your knee, “Is something wrong, MC?”

You sighed, returning to your usual demeanor, “Not right now. Being in the Devildom has been great.”

That made him raise an eyebrow, “Being surrounded by demons is ‘great?’”

You laughed, “Sure!” You started pouring more tea for both of you, “It’s more interesting than what I have waiting for me in the Human Realm.”

As you poured his cup, Lucifer considered this, until the firelight glowed and drew his attention towards your wrist handling the tea pot.

Instinctually, Lucifer reached out to you with one hand and took the tea kettle from you with his other. You looked up at him confused.

He exposed your wrist and the light scars. His only question was, “When?”

Sheepishly you answered, “They’re old. Like I said, being here is more interesting than what’s waiting for me in the Human Realm.”

Luke

You rolled up your sleeves to transfer the cookie dough from your mixing bowl to the counter to roll it out.

When he first caught the sight of your scars he was worried you had gotten hurt that day in the kitchen with him.

But you hadn’t said anything and they weren’t fresh wounds.

Worried, he went to Simeon.

Simeon brought it up to you and you agreed to sit Luke down with Simeon to explain.

Luke was even more worried now. Simeon didn’t tell him a straight answer and now you were sitting across from him looking so serious. Was he in trouble, he wondered.

“Simeon asked that I tell my story and how these,” you rolled up your left sleeve, “happened.”

You took a deep breath and started, “Back in the human realm, there was a lot going on. School, work, family; everything seemed to be falling apart and I took all of that as a personal responsibility. My thoughts bounced around my head, practically vibrating and echoing my failure. At some point, I became numb to it but at the same time, I couldn’t feel anything else either… so this was my way of a wake-up call.” Your thumb rubbed over one scar in particular.

“You did that to yourself?” Luke asked, you could feel his hurt and tried to return a comforting smile.

“I did. The pain of cutting would make me feel something, seeing the blood reminded me that I was real and alive.”

“There are so many,” Luke stated, looking at your wrist. Then he remembered he saw it on your other wrist too.

You swallowed, “It was bad for a long time…”

“I…” Luke paused and looked at Simeon unsure but clearly upset, “I’m sorry MC.”

“Oh it’s ok Luke, I don’t mind talking about it now. Being in the Devildom has been a welcome change and I’m doing a lot better now.”

Luke still looked like he was about to cry. You looked at Simeon, maybe this was too much?

Simeon interjected, “I had hoped this would be a good learning opportunity for you Luke, I’m sorry if I judged wrong and this was too intense.”

Luke shook his head no, “I’m ok, but MC,” he blubbered, “I can’t believe that you went through such hardship.” He took your hand, “You are so kind and warm and...and…” He tried blinking back his tears, “You’re so strong.”

His words were getting to you. With a watery voice you replied, “Th-thank you.”

“I know that I’m still an Angel in training but if you ever need me, I would be there for you.”

You pulled him into a hug, “I know, thank you Luke.”

Solomon

Even though he is immortal, he wasn’t born that way.

He knows better than anyone here, the cruelty of other humans and the disparity caused by the ruling classes across the world.

Those in power seldom use their influence for good. While he had a pact with the Avatar of Lust, he was intimately aware of how the Seven Sins ruled in the Human Realm.

If anything, the Human Realm was a chaotic mix of Sins and Virtues, leaving some individuals in better positions than others.

Solomon counts himself fortunate that through hard work and an accident, he gained immortality but with that he watched all of his loved ones meet their ends while he trudged on.

The first time he sees the scars on your wrists, you’re mixing a concoction in his cauldron. The recipe called for 15 minutes of constant stirring to fully incorporate the final ingredient.

You had rolled up your sleeves preparing for a good arm workout with how thick the mixture was.

Solomon was checking the progress but got distracted by your determined face and the hypnotic rotation of your arms, then he saw.

He placed a hand over yours, “Let me take over.”

“I got it!” You so wanted to prove your dedication to being his apprentice and he smiled but his heart twisted. Was no one appreciating your efforts before?

“I insist,” Solomon worked your hands off the spoon and picked back up, stirring before the brew soured.

“Did I do it wrong?”

“No, just wanted to give you a break, you earned it.”

“Oh ok.” You wandered over to the book outlining the steps.

He looked down at the cauldron and started thinking about what could be waiting for you in the Human Realm. Clearly something that pushed you to harming yourself.

You were the first human in many years to leave an impression on him and he wasn’t ready to lose you.

At some point you had come to stand next to him, “Is it going to be ok?”

Solomon jumped a bit, “What?”

“The potion, is it going to be ok? You were looking at it so seriously.”

He relaxed, “Oh yes, you did perfectly,” he ruffled your hair playfully. “I was just thinking how it would be nice to have your help once we’re back in the Human Realm after the exchange program, though it’d be a huge inconvenience to you to ask that you…” Solomon blushed at what he was about to say next, he hadn’t been thinking this just now and his mouth just blurted it out without his usual preparedness. He fixed his stare at the mixture.

“That I, what?” You asked, curious what he would ask of you.

“Uh, this is not how I would have asked but,” he rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the tension from nerves, “Would you move in with me?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I would have liked to make asking you a bit more special than in the middle of brewing a potion,” Solomon laughed nervously.

“No, I meant you really want me to move in with you?” He finally looked at you and his heart warmed to see how happy, hopeful, and somehow relieved you were.

“Of course,” He confirmed.

“I’d love that Solomon,” You hugged him from behind as he was stirring.

The timer dinged and Solomon sighed, “Thank the stars.” He twisted around to hug you back.

He made a note to circle back to the topic of your past another day, today deserved to stay happy and light.

Simeon

Being an angel as long as he has, watching over humans, he’s aware of what your scars mean.

Before he knows you, he does look at you with pity. He’s watched so many humans reach their demise from their own hands.

As he gets to know you, he starts to shift from pity to protectiveness. He wonders what would have pushed you to such extremes and he wonders how he can prevent further harm.

He absolutely does not bring it up unless you do first.

Approaching the subject with an Angel though is intimidating. You weren’t sure how the conversation would go. Would he get preachy about it? The last thing you wanted was a sermon. Would he know or even understand the motivation behind it? Do Angels feel those things?

The best approach was to sit him down one day to explain. You knew Simeon better by the time you decided to have this conversation and you knew he only wanted what was best for you. After getting to know him, you knew he definitely wouldn’t be giving you a lecture.

“I have something serious I want to share with you.”

Simeon nodded but he looked solemn as he gestured to the sofa in the common room of the Purgatory Hall.

“Can you keep it between us? It’s kind of personal.”

“Yes,” Simeon took your hands, “What wrong MC?”

“Well nothing right now,” You giggled, “Sorry for worrying you. It’s actually something from before I met you.” With this you twisted your arm and released one of his hands to push your sleeve back.

Even though Simeon had seen the marks in passing, he couldn’t help the gasp that left him. There were more marks than he remembered and it broke his heart.

“I haven’t done any more since being teleported here for the exchange program,” you defended, “but I wanted to share this with you because I trust you and it feels like I’m hiding something from you and the guilt eats me up.”

“Please don’t feel guilty,” Simeon offered in a hushed tone, “thank you for showing me. Can I ask you-”

“Anything,” you confirmed.

“Why did you do it?”

“Hmm. Well in the Human Realm, I didn’t have a lot of friends, not like here.” You squeezed his hand. “I also was getting overwhelmed with my responsibilities like school, family and work. Every day felt like things were getting worse and worse. My family was breaking apart, my grades were so-so and my student loans and family finances were keeping me from getting out on my own.”

You looked up at Simeon, his brows were furrowed, truly trying to understand and you silently thanked his patience. “When it got to be too much… I didn’t have anyone to turn to or any way to healthily deal with my emotions so I turned to cutting. It was grounding in a way if that makes sense?”

There were tears threatening the edges of Simeon’s eyes as he nodded.

“Hey, no crying,” you let go of his hand to wipe the corners of his eyes.

Simeon thanked you and grabbed your hands again. “MC, please, if you ever need someone to listen to you, can you call me? I promise, whether it’s in the Human Realm, or the Devildom, I will be there for you.”

“Is that some sort of special Celestial Promise?” you tried to joke.

“What if I said yes?” Simeon waited for your answer.

“Then, that would mean a lot to me.”

“You mean so much to me MC,” he kissed your palm, “You’re not alone anymore, I will always be here for you.”

Barbatos

The background check for being an exchange student is basically Barbatos watching through your life’s timeline.

He knows what you have been through at home and what you did to yourself.

Barb took the extra step to view possible futures of joining the program versus not joining the program and he deduced that both the exchange program and your life would be improved with your participation.

His report to Diavolo was thorough but for your privacy did not include every detail of your life to this point, he would keep it to himself unless you chose to divulge the information yourself.

One afternoon, shared with him in the castle kitchen, you asked if you could tell him something.

“Of course,” he responded while working on the night’s dinner, he was always happy to listen while he worked.

“Actually, nevermind, it’s not really a passing conversation, we can talk about it another day.” You didn’t want to distract from his duties so you’d bring it up another day.

To your dismay, he did stop preparing the various dishes, “What seems to be troubling you, MC?”

“Oh, it’s nothing pressing! We can talk about it another day,” you looked around him to make sure none of the abandoned pots were burning.

“We have time now if it is that serious,” Barbatos confirmed. “I would like to hear what you have to say.”

“Um,” still worried about possibly ruining dinner and Barbatos’ efforts thus far, you blurt out, “I used to cut myself. I haven’t since coming to the Devildom but I wanted you to know because I’ve come to really respect and trust you and it makes me feel guilty keeping such a large secret about myself from you.”

“Well thank you for telling me,” Barbatos smiled graciously, like you had given him a gift instead of dropping your emotional baggage at his doorstep. Her cleared his throat, “In the spirit of honesty and confessions I would like to tell you something.”

Well that was unexpected, “Oh? Sure, I’m all ears.”

“I knew that you used to self-harm,” he searched your expression.

You groaned, “Of course you did.” You rubbed your face, he could see all timelines passed and the future so of course he’d know.

“I apologize for invading your privacy but it was a safety precaution for the exchange program that I look into the candidate’s past acts and possible futures to see if the exchange program would benefit both the participant’s life and the overall outcome of the program.”

“Oh, that’s ok, I don’t mind that. I just feel silly now that I stressed over the fact that I thought I was hiding something when you knew all along.”

“It’s not silly, I did not include it on my report to the Prince so for all intents and purposes it is still your secret.”

You took his gloved hands, “Thank you Barbatos, for keeping my secret, and for not judging me when I was at my weakest.”

“I would never, and I think of those moments in quite an opposite light, I believe you were unbelievably strong.”

You raised an eyebrow at him and it made him chuckle.

“The way I see it, and correct me if I’m wrong, you wanted to feel something, you wanted to make a change but didn’t have the resources to do so?”

“An astute observation,” you looked away embarrassed. He knew you so well that he got it in one guess.

As if reading your mind he continued, “It wasn’t a guess, if that’s what you’re thinking.” He laughed again as your eyes went wide, “Your actions since arriving have proved you would do anything within your power for those you care about which is both admirable and worrying.” Barbatos raised a hand to his chin as he thought on this.

“Well you’re included in that group of ‘those I care about’ so be ready to take responsibility,” you laughed heartily.

“Hm, that’s the problem,” he mumbled. You had very quickly made your way into his heart and he was at first more surprised at how that had happened than the consequences that could ensue from it for both of you.

“What was that?” You asked.

“Nothing, just we should finish up preparing dinner.”

Diavolo

Since he allowed Lucifer to select you and Barbatos gave a positive review, he did not read your file too in depth trusting in his closest advisors.

It was tough to find some time alone with the crowned prince. After a student council meeting, you grabbed him and pulled him into a separate classroom before he would be summoned to the castle.

“Oh? MC, this is…” he chuckled and you knew his mind was elsewhere.

“Sorry for pulling you aside so abruptly. There has been something… troubling, on my mind and I want to get it off my chest but I don’t think I’m ready for the others to know.”

He sat behind the teacher’s desk, all signs of lighthearted joking gone, “Ok, what seems to be troubling you?”

You took a deep breath. You had practiced in your room before this. Diavolo usually had an air of carefree ambivalence about him but you knew he cared deeply and seriously considered the things that were important.

“I have sincerely enjoyed my time participating in the exchange program and you and the brothers have been amazing hosts.”

“That’s a relief to hear MC,” he eyed your stance, “but that’s not all you have to say?”

You shook your head no, “Before coming here, my life in the Human Realm was… well to put it simply, not good.” You paced a bit in front of him as you described it. “I was losing touch with my family, we were having financial issues and because I took a part time job my grades were taking a hit. Truly, I was failing in all aspects.” You made fists before continuing, “I wasn’t very strong back then, the terrible thoughts overcame me and it got to a point when I couldn’t take it any more.”

“What did you do?” Diavolo stood, he was rapt in the story.

“I… I!” Although you had planned to tell him, it was so much harder looking at his worried face. You figured telling him would change things but he had a right to know.

“MC, what happened?” He prompted but softer this time.

The emotions got caught in your throat. There would be no way to tell him without your voice breaking now so you decided to show him. Carefully you took off your uniform jacket and placed it on a desk. Then you rolled a sleeve exposing the scars lining your arm.

“Oh MC,” Diavolo sighed. He wasn’t disappointed per se but he was hurting in a way.

With another deep breath, you recovered enough to reiterate, “Like I said, my time here has been wonderful. I haven’t felt the need to do this since I got here and that’s thanks to you and the others. I think coming to Hell has saved me in some way, as ironic as that is.” You laughed.

Diavolo offered a small polite chuckle but frowned immediately as he looked back at your forearms. “I didn’t know.”

“I thought so. I’m sorry for keeping hidden all this time, I just didn’t want to ruin anything but over time it became harder to cover up and you deserved to know as the ruler of this realm and the overseer of the exchange program.”

“You should have told me sooner,” Diavolo offered moving around the desk.

“I know, again I’m sorry for hiding it.”

“I would have done so much more for you.”

“What?” That took you aback, “No, no, no. You’ve done plenty and more! I just wanted to share this part of my past with you since we’ve gotten so close, I think the guilt would have eaten me up if I didn’t tell you.”

“Well thank you for trusting me with this information.” Diavolo crossed his heart, “I will take this to my grave.”

You laughed, “Thanks, but that’s a long time to keep a secret so you don’t have to do that. How about, you’re off the hook when I die, you can take it to my grave.”

Diavolo nodded but he didn’t want to dwell on the eventuality of your death. “Since you’ve shared a secret, I feel like I should share something.”

“You don’t have to! I’m sure you’ve got a ton of top-secret confidential secrets that you can’t reveal.”

“No, no, I’m sure there is something personal I could tell you,” He closed his eyes and scratched his chin to think about it for a minute. “Ah ha! I’ve got one.”

“Oh?”

“A supersecret about me,” he paused for dramatic effect, “I hate bell peppers.”

You sighed, what had you expected. “O-ok yeah I didn’t know that about you,” you feigned excitement.

“Right? Everyone knows I hate pickles but bell peppers are just as bad,” he shivered, probably thinking about the taste.

You giggled, “Thanks for sharing, your secret is safe with me.”

“And yours with me,” Diavolo smiled and led you out of the room.

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bluebellhairpin · 4 years ago

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In the Darkest Night

Attack on Titan X Reader

A/N: I’m calling this one ‘self-care’, and if you have any complaints please take it up with my frog hoodie at the front desk. - Nemo

Summary: You’re having another ‘bad day’, and your man’s here to help pick you up. (Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman, Reiner Braun, Kenny Ackerman, Zeke Jaeger)

Warnings: Depression. I self-project into a fic again.

Listening to: ‘Follow You’ by Imagine Dragons - ‘I’ll follow you way down to your deepest low, I’ll always be around wherever life takes you.’

Masterlist

Erwin Smith

Notices rather quickly. He’s preceptive, even more so when it comes to his s/o.

So the moment he sees them, lets say after a day he’s been at work, he reads them, and notices. From the dulled eyes, to the way they’re holding themselves as if to take up less space.

That hurts him too, the way their acting as if they’re not worth existing even when they’re just sitting being themselves, and it sends a pang of pain straight to his heart and it tugs with an unrelenting guilt.

How did he not notice sooner?

He barely rids himself of his jacket and shoes before he’s at their side, letting them leech off his warmth and making his presence known.

He is a man of words, and he knows how to use them, but he also knows when to not say anything.

Times like now, when all they really need is someone to ground them, to let them feel that someone is there for them, not to say it, not to tell them they’re loved - but to show it.

Actions speak louder than any words he could try and tell them. The reassurance isn’t one done by words or a text - even if that might tide them over - but what they need now is to be held.

They need someone to hold the pieces of them that have started to break away, to put them back together with careful caresses and tender kisses, and he’s there.

He’s always there.

Levi Ackerman

Sounds corny, but he notices before his s/o does.

He can tell when their ‘pattern’ starts tilting towards a lack of self-care, or what not, and he does his best to put them back on track.

Doesn’t always work, and when it doesn’t he’s a little unprepared.

He knows that people need to be shown a certain amount of care in these situations, but he’s not the most affectionate person they know, and he knows it.

Still does his best though, because he loves his s/o so much, and he can’t bare to see them hurting all on their own.

Hurting from some injury, a broken bone maybe, it easier on his mind, because he knows broken bones heal. But when someone’s come along and broken something that his s/o holds so dear - their heart, mind, or even soul - that’s something he can’t come to grips with as easy.

So when he finds them suffering so openly with something so well hidden, he’s a bit lost. He’s not sure what to do. Floundering almost.

He sits next to wherever they are, tests the waters. He goes to hold their hand, and if they let him he’ll then go to move closer, pressing his side against theirs.

Slowly, he��ll get into their space, as slowly as they let him. That way they won’t be alone. He’d hate for them to be alone.

When he knows they’d be okay for him to go away for a bit, he’d go get them a hot drink. Whichever is their favorite. The he brings it back, goes back to his spot right up close to them, and they drink together.

He works on it, makes all these little things build up until they’re back out of the place they were in.

Reiner Braun

More often than not, he’s the one that needs pulling out of his own thoughts, and needing to do that for someone else is unfamiliar waters.

But when the going get’s tough, the tough get’s going. And if anyone’s tough, if anyone’s got thick skin - it’s him. So when his s/o needs it, he’s there.

He wraps them up in their favorite, most comfortable blanket. Holds them nice and close.

When he thinks they’re settled a little, he moves them to a chair in the kitchen, they’re still wrapped up like a burrito in this giant blanket, and he starts cooking.

He’s not great at it, but he doesn’t remember the last time he saw his s/o eat, and he knows getting something in his stomach when he’s feeling bad does pick him up a little. An energy boost if you will.

Makes them their favorite, no matter what it is, no matter how difficult it might be for his mediocre cooking skills. In his mind, if it helps them eat something, then it’s worth it.

He spends most of his time carting them around after that, like literally picking them up and carrying them around while their in their blanket. Sits them both down on the couch and feeds them if they want.

He just wants then to be happy again.

hen they’re done, he sets the dishes aside, and curls up with them in his lap and cuddles. Wraps his big arms around them, holds them right in his chest, and presses his lips against their forehead.

He wants them close, and he reminds them of that. He lets them know that even when they think they don’t belong anywhere they do belong somewhere. Right there with him.

Kenny Ackerman

He’s annoyed.

He’s not perceptive. He’s not caring. His s/o has friends that are better than he is at reading their emotions and how they’re feeling.

So why didn’t their friends notice, and tell him before it got this bad? Why could they not tell? His s/o wasn’t hiding it, that he put together once he realized, so were their friends just that dense, or did they not care about them as much as they said they did?

That annoyance can rub his s/o up the wrong way sometimes, but he never means it to.

As much as he lacks people skills, he does still care about them a lot. More than he does anyone else, even that of his own flesh and blood. So he’s not exactly gonna go off and chew anyone's ear off about it, because there’s a fairly more important thing to deal with right now. But like previously mentioned, he’s not good with these kinds of things.

A general constipated emotion Ackerman trait if you will.

The result will be, more often than not, him scooping them up into his lap, or by his side, and just holding them. He’d probably act really grumpy about it, and definitely will have a pout plastered onto his face, but in reality he no doubt needs it too.

He doesn’t have breakdowns like his s/o does, but he still feels. He’s still human, and he still has bad days too. So sometimes, just holding them close is dose as much good for him as it does for them.

So they’d spend the rest of the day, sitting. Being held. He’s make light conversation, ask what he might do to help, listen as they told him everything. And he’d really listen.

Zeke Jaeger

Doesn’t notice. When he does, it’s usually because he realized his s/o hasn’t gotten out of bed for the past few days.

Then he kicks himself into action.

He makes sure they’ll be okay, then leaves them where they are and takes himself off to the shops to grab all this binge food, from the most sickeningly sweet foods, to the healthiest, from chocolate covered Hershey Cookies to a punt of strawberries. Then books it home double time.

Once home, and with his s/o sitting up and partially fed, he talks. He’s a talker. But not like Erwin, because he talks even when his s/o may not want him to.

Gives a nice long speech about why they shouldn’t be feeling how they are, and it will probably make them cry. But it’s not the kind of ‘speech’ in the typical ‘lecture’ kind of way.

Actually it’s probably done as gently as he knows how, and the fact they end up crying is because they manage to feel so loved after their mind telling them they weren’t worth it. And the fact it’s coming from one of the lest openly apathetic people ever - that’s almost tear worthy in itself.

Then he holds them.

After there’s been a show of their material worth, and then verbally, he backs it up with physical reassurance.

There isn’t much he is bad at, and when it comes to giving the comfort and love his s/o needs - or believes is lacking - he’s right up there too. Top notch care right there.

#erwin smith headcanons #levi ackerman headcanons #reiner braun headcanons #kenny ackerman headcanons #zeke jaeger headcanons #erwin smith x reader #levi ackerman x reader #reiner braun x reader #kenny ackerman x reader #zeke jaeger x reader #aot x reader #snk x reader #attack on titan x reader #shingeki no kyojin x reader #aot headcanons #snk headcanons #attack on titan headcanons #shingeki no kyojin headcanons

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xo-cuteplosion-xo · 4 years ago

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Never enough |Chuuya comfort x Reader

Angst and fluff time

Never enough |Chuuya comfort x Suicidal depressed Reader|

Warnings- mentions of Self-harm, heavy depression, suicide, lack of love for one's self. -I honestly wrote this as a self-comfort cause I needed something, so it really is triggering-

Word count- 1,700 words (roughly)

Life is a storm, full of calm eyes and rough winds that threaten to knock you over. Within life, there are ups and down; rough and soft moments in the storm. Tears are like rain, drizzling and pouring. There are light cries and heavy cries just like the sky. Happiness, fear, sadness, anger; emotions are weather. There are sunny days; happiness, thunderstorms; fear, rainy days; sadness, hurricanes; anger.

The clouds wept today. Wrapping around the moonlight, it hid the light. Water made heavy clinking noises against metal. The rush of cars swooshed against water as they sped by, the sound of a silent street followed. There were no voices, no couples, no people within eyesight or earshot. Today was a rainy day; a sad day. Tears fell in pattern with the falling water. Crimson dissipated within the water. Flowing down the roof the water washed it away. Clothing stuck, hair fell, eyes continued to look down.

You felt alone, afraid, disgusted, and angry with yourself and others. Your legs dangled off the edge of the roof. Listening to the music of sadness; a rainy night, you hummed. There was nobody else there with you, besides your thoughts you were alone. Though it was no surprise, it happened all the time.

People leave, people move one, people are not permanent. There is death in life; life in death. You pondered the meaning of such similes often. Running arms over your soaked clothes you choked on sobs. Letting out silent cries you shed the pain. Out of alcohol and still sober enough to feel you tossed the empty bottle to the roof entrance. It shattered to hundreds of pieces, adding sound to your cries. This isn't normal; to feel like this. You hated the things you’ve done, the job you could not back out from. You hated the way you looked. It didn’t matter what people said to you about being perfect the way you are. The small voices of people who put you down stood out. The ones that edge this crippling insecurity stuck out the most. They say the smallest flame can do more damage than the largest flame. It makes sense though, a large flame grows from the smallest flame. The large flames that start that size often take a while to do the same damage a building flame has done. Words worked like that; the smaller words that came from those close built into raging flames.

You shouted curses under your breath, looking to your lined arms, you choked back another sob. Why, why did you do these things? They were temporary freedoms from this pain but it never lasted; like drinking. Everybody needs a way to tell these feelings to fuck off, but at points, it doesn't work. Those thoughts cross the mind. The permanent solution to what they call a temporary problem. It isn’t always temporary, sure it goes at times to reveal the sun, but then it returns three-fold. It never leaves forever, they say it gets better, but sometimes it's hard to see that light at the end. Sometimes it's so far away it seems impossible to reach unless somebody else can help.

Everybody says it’s alright to be like this. Yet, they never help, they never offer up their hand to pull you out of the quicksand. They never attempt to push you forward in the tunnel. They stand, and they watch you break, until it’s suddenly benefiting for them to step in. Then, they dare to ask why you’re like this. It’s not a choice, it’s not something that can be so easily controlled. It’s a monster with its talons tearing into you.

So maybe, that’s why you did it. That’s why you inched closer and closer. Maybe that’s why you looked up and shut your eyes. Tapping fingers against the rooftop's edge. Humming tunes to try and steer your thought from doing the last resort. Just before the wrong decision could be made, you were grabbed and pulled back.

You felt so far from the world, nothing was clicking or connecting the dots. A harsh sting to your cheek brought your mind swirling back to the present. Noticing you were paying attention, the dark silhouette of a short male shouted words. “What were you thinking!” he hissed holding your shoulders with a firm grip.

“I… I don't know?” you mumbled feeling the tears swell in your eyes again.

“You don’t know? What the hell, I know we're all a little messed up but you can't…” it fell on him, his voice cutting out as he fell to his knees. His hands slid around you. Firmly holding you, he yanked your soaked body to his. His umbrella only hid your bodies from the wind with his ability. “How long, tell me how long.” his voice was breaking but still stern.

“I don’t know? Weeks, months, maybe years?” you don't move, afraid and cold, you could not meet his eyes. “Why do you care? You’ll just end up the same as everybody else. I’m worthless right? I mean, everybody leaves me alone. I don't fit beauty standards to perfection. Nobody would want me so, why not? Why not take the shortcut to happiness?” you were slapped again. It was light, but it stung enough to snap you from those thoughts again.

“Ya well think about somebody else! I don’t need two suicidal idiots! Having one to worry about is enough! Not that I worry about that mongrel! I do about you though, you’re my drinking partner. You’re the one who managed to get me to open up to being touched! I don’t hug or act... soft with anybody else! You don’t get to take that away! I don’t care what you look like, sound like, fuck, I don’t care about anything but what’s in there. In that fuckin heart! I am not a softy, you know I don’t say shit like this often but… you can’t do that! If you're miserable enough to really be willing to toss it all away, then you should talk to somebody!” his voice was panicked. Yes, he was being selfish. He knew that this wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t a feeling you could so easily overcome. Yet, here he was hoping that you would let him help you.

“I'm sorry! I’m so sorry! I just… I thought… wouldn’t it be better for everybody though? Sure you'd be sad at first but you'd forget about me!” Chuuya shook his head. Meeting your eyes with his clouded ocean ones. Tears fell, almost unnoticeable within the pouring rain.

“No, no I wouldn't! I wouldn't because I love you! I fell in love, I don't know how or when it… it just happened! Isn’t this enough? One person, am I not enough? If I had known I’d have held you to me, given you all the cuddles you ever needed!” he buried his face into the crook of your neck. He didn’t care if you felt the same or not at this point. He just needed to let you know somebody cared for you.

“Chuuya…” a light in the tunnel, it formed inside the tunnel.

It is, as they say, eventually you will meet that light. You will find meaning in your life. Something good will happen, then, all the people who put you here will be nothing but bad memories, and lingering ghosts of the past; You can move on. A light will come to you eventually, no matter how dark it seems, that light will show itself. In a friend, a relative, a job offer, an achievement. Those beads of light spread and eventually, they will pull you out enough to know true happiness.

When Chuuya looked worriedly to you, he was taken aback by your arms tossing around him. Your tears being muffled by his own lips. He kissed back before pulling away. Even if you still felt low you were slightly feeling better. Just knowing there was somebody to hold you like this was enough to curve the thoughts for a while.

He took his jacket and wrapped it around you, lifting you into his arms. He carried you to his penthouse, setting you down on the couch located in his bedroom. He looked around, finding one of his larger hoodies he tossed to you. He started hot chocolate as he waited for you to change. You’d probably be sick tomorrow, given it had been cold and you were drenched.

He carried the mug back to the couch, placing it down, he frowned. Walking to a closet, he pulled a small towel out. Rubbing it against your skull as you sniffled, he sighed. “Do you need anything else?” shaking your head, you grabbed his arm.

“Just… some cuddles?” he nodded holding you close, trying to warm your frigid body up. “Did you mean it? You'd really care if I…”

“Yeah, I did, is there a problem? I know it may not mean much. I know how depression works, at least a little bit. It’s not something that can be easily controlled. I just want you to know that you are perfect to me. If somebody ever tells you otherwise, I'll crush them to a pulp.” cracking a small smile, Chuuya's eyes lit up. “There we go, a small smile is a win. So you like me being all protective? Good, I’m a little territorial.”

Looking at him you nodded. “Yeah… okay.” you still sounded so sad.

“I'm serious! I’d squash even Mori if he insulted you in any way! You’re the most perfect thing I've ever seen and known! You're beautiful outside and inside, people are just jealous of how perfect you are.” he was trying to lift your spirits and it seemed to work a little.

“Can we just stay like this?” Chuuya nodded, letting you lean your head on his shoulder. He didn’t move even as you fell asleep.

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astaroth1357 · 4 years ago

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Demon Brothers Comfort an MC with Depression

As somebody who struggles with and has seen others battle depression, I know that it manifests in everyone a little differently and what works for some may not for others. Unfortunately, there is no cure-all. But if you're like me and some relief can come from comfort/being comforted, no matter how you find it, then I hope this helps you too. Please remember there's always places and people who wish to help out. Try to practice self-love and stay safe out there.

Warnings: Themes of Depression, Angst

Lucifer

His reaction to stress is work. If he’s stressed out, then he’ll do more work. It’s not that he enjoys it, it just keeps his mind distracted and he’d rather things get done. So he can recognize when someone else does the same.

Cooking, cleaning, homework, or other chores, he’s seen the MC go around doing this and that throughout the House. At first he was thankful, his brothers so rarely clean up or look after themselves, but after a while things started to seem off…

They started working themselves to the bone. He could hear them up in the middle of night sweeping or washing dishes. It was almost like they had forgotten how to sleep at night...

One night, when he left his study to go make some coffee, he found them in the library scrubbing the floors. Their shoulders were trembling with hushed whimpers and choked sobs...

He made them put the sponge away, walked them back into his study, and sat them down despite their protests. They explained their condition to him there through tears they seemingly didn’t want to shed... They’d been unable to sleep in days and were using cleaning as a distraction...

His first instinct was to put them to bed, but if they already can’t sleep then that seemed insufficient…

He ordered them to relax in the chair and played classical music as he made them some tea. He tried to calm them down as best he could and reassured them with quiet conversation and compliments to help them stop crying. When they eventually zonked out, he carried them back to bed then set to work.

Informed Diavolo the next day that the MC was having difficulties then sought out the best treatment the human world had to offer. He personally escorts the MC there for regular services.

Would not hear a word of protest on this. If they didn’t want to go, then he would just have kidnap a therapist and bring the treatment to them.

He instructed his brothers remind the MC to relax sometimes and watch closely for signs of overworking. They could let the house fall to pieces for all he cares, just as long as they’re getting enough sleep and feeling better.

“This simply won’t do… But that’s alright. I’ll make sure things here are better for you.”

Mammon

He's been with MC the longest, he knows what's up by now.

He wouldn't say they have mood swings but he's picked up on how their mood rises and falls over time. They may seem perfectly fine for a while, a week, sometimes two. Then suddenly it's as if they pull back...

They'll stay in their room longer, be a bit more quiet at the dinner table, or look spaced out all the time. Like they're there, but not really with him anymore…

At first he thought it was something he was doing but they’d always tell him he’s fine. Great even. So why did they keep pulling away…?

He got worried enough about it that he asked Solomon if it was just a human thing. He’s the one who told him what depression was and that the MC may have it.

Honestly, he can’t say that he gets it completely, but he takes it seriously. If it’s making the MC feel this bad then he’s got to try something, right?

He’s unsure of what to do, so he settles for just being there for them. Constantly. If he notices that they’re pulling back again, he’ll go to their room and just be there. Even if he’s only checking his phone while sitting next to them on the bed.

He makes sure to remind them that since they’re his human he doesn’t like seeing them sad. If they need to talk, he’s got it. If they need a hug, he’s got that too. He won’t let them feel like they’re all alone as long as he’s around.

“Tsk, look… You know you’ve got me here, right? I ain’t goin’ leave ya…”

Leviathan

Was pretty oblivious to it until he walked into their room one day to lend them a new manga and found them curled up, crying in bed.

Panicked right away because he thought they were hurt and almost called for Lucifer before they stopped him.

After they explained the situation and that sometimes the tears just happen, he felt awful for them. He’s not exactly an emotionally secure person himself so he could relate to feeling like your mind can be against you at times.

He offers them funny manga or shows them games that make him relaxed and happy. He takes their tastes into account and tries to craft them the best “feel good” media pack an otaku can ask for.

If they’re not an otaku like he is well… He doesn’t really know what makes normies feel better, but he’ll still try there too. He’s sure there’s probably some things on Akuzon that can help. Flowers? Candy? Do crystals work on them? He’s not very equipped, but he is trying.

Asks them over for a lot more anime/game nights because he thinks if he can get them distracted, then that’s a bit of relief in and of itself. Will try very hard to make them laugh when they’re together. Every little smile is a victory in his eyes.

“Okay, I brought this, and this, and this, oh and that too! It’s a good series. We can watch it together, okay?”

Satan

Sadness is sort of new to him. When you’ve been angry most of your life you end up not very familiar with other emotions, be they your own or other people’s...

He DID know about depression though. Or at least he knew what it was. He read about it in some human medical journals after the MC came to the Devildom, just to cover his bases.

When the MC started to show signs of having it, he was hesitant to say much at first because he didn’t think his place to do so.

He changed his mind after they began skipping classes. It started out pretty minor, they’d be late for class this week then maybe leave a little early the next… But soon it seemed like they couldn’t bring themselves to go at all.

He knew this wasn’t a Belphie situation. The MC wasn’t lazy and they cared a good deal about their grades. If something was keeping them from making it to class, it had to be serious and he wanted to help.

He read enough on the subject to be able to approach it tactfully, then presented the MC with his findings. He tried to be gentle, but he was worried and when he’s worried he wants to get to the bottom of the problem as soon as possible.

When his suspicions were proven true, he did everything in his power to help them. He read up on the condition for days and asked them a lot of questions about how they doing, how they’re feeling, what makes them comfortable, etc.

He begun looking into what treatments were available/able to be smuggled down to the Devildom while still being discreet, if that’s what they wanted. His brothers didn’t need to know.

Checks up on them a lot in the meantime and tries to cheer them up if he can. He’s not the best at it face-to-face but he may send them gifs and pics of kittens doing kitten things. That usually helps him, so maybe it will help them too?

“Don’t worry, you can get through this. There’s a lot of options available. Here, let me show you what I’ve found...”

Asmodeus

Even the most beautiful people can feel depressed sometimes and Asmo knows that.

It started with him fussing over their appearance like he does with all his brothers, semi-playfully of course.

“MC, are you getting enough beauty sleep? MC, why don’t you do something more with your hair? MC, you could look cuter than that! MC? Are you listening...?”

It didn’t take long, though, for him to notice the dip in their self-care was getting steeper… And it wasn’t like them. They didn’t put as much pride in their appearance as he does (who can?) but they had a style. There was a way they liked to present themselves to other people. They just weren’t doing that anymore…

Something was wrong and he was sure of it.

When he invited the MC to his room that day, he didn’t have any ulterior motives for once. He wasn’t looking for a night of fun, only answers to soothe his concern.

He had never been more gentle or considerate of their feelings than he was right then; coaxing but never prodding until finally they let him in wholeheartedly.

He held the MC as they cried, listened to every word they had to say, never interrupted or complained, and just brushed every tear away.

Makes it his mission to take care of the MC inside and out. Spa days become a regular occurrence where he will ask how they’re doing and let them vent whatever they need. If they don’t feel like talking, then he will take over and try to make them laugh with some embarrassing gossip about his brothers.

Wholeheartedly believes that one's mental health is entwined with one’s physical, so will make them feel the most beautiful and relaxed they ever have in hopes that it might soothe that emotional pain too.

“Go on, sweetheart, and let it all out… Don’t worry. I’m listening.”

Beelzebub

His first tip off was the food. They weren't eating.

Beel's pretty perceptive to what food is around him at all times so he’s the first to notice MC's portions getting smaller… then their plates stay half full.

That worried him enough but when they started skipping meals all together he knew he needed to step in and find out what was wrong. Were they sick?

He gently cornered them one day in the kitchen when they went to grab some instant noodles. It was well past noon and that was the only thing he'd seen them eat since yesterday's breakfast. He knows they're never as hungry as he is, but that has to hurt them too, right?

When he asked about their appetite they wouldn't meet his eyes. They tried to tell him that they were fine but that wasn't going to fly. He called their bluff immediately.

He didn’t expect them to start crying... Honest.

He felt horrible and just pulled them into a hug while they let it out, rocking them gently like he does with Belphie when he’s upset.

When they explained to him what depression is and how they don’t feel like eating sometimes it makes him more worried than before. He honestly can’t process the idea of not being hungry for such long periods of time but it sounds bad for them surely…

From that day forward he keeps a close eye on their food intake. He’ll be the first to encourage them to eat and even offer his own food if they haven’t had any yet. If they’re looking a little down, he’ll offer them snacks from his comfort food stash.

He’s always down to be with them when they need it. No questions asked. If they just show up at his room or send him a text then he’ll be there. He doesn’t mind if they don’t feel like talking, he just hopes his presence helps somehow.

“Do you need me right now? Okay. I’ll order us a pizza but you have to eat some of it too, alright?”

Belphegor

It’s not an unfamiliar feeling to him. He went through his own sad spells after Lilith died… Back then he coped with it through sleeping most of the day and being with Beel.

He started to notice that the MC was sleeping more. At first he was kind of happy because then they could nap together, but it started getting worse…

They’d sleep almost all day. Humans only need 8 hours but they’d go 14 or more… Not even he can stay in bed that long...

When they were awake they’d be quiet. They’d like to hold him but they weren’t telling him what was wrong…

After a while, he got so worried that he looked up what could be making them so sleepy. When he read about depression it all clicked in place for him, not just about them but about himself too.

One night, while they were having another afternoon nap/snuggle, he gently brought up the subject and they confirmed his suspicions.

What proceeded was a long conversation between the two where he admitted to sometimes feeling the same. They compared notes and thoughts, shared pain and scars, and talked about little things that might not mean much, but made them smile and feel happy to be in the world.

He made a deal with them to start staying up more if he did the same. He skipped class less often in order to wake up and go to school with them and stayed near them while they’re there just in case they started losing steam.

He wouldn’t force them to do any schoolwork or anything, but he would try to keep them up and about by inviting them in on pranks or talking to them so they won’t fall asleep until a good time for it. He just wanted them to be happy and healthy.

Promised that no matter how long the day took, he’d still cuddle them to sleep at night.

“Hey, if I’m not sleeping then you aren’t either. Come on… We can do this together.”

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #obey me luficer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #belphie has depression #fightme #you'd probably win #non-confrontational

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