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echos-newlegs · 3 years ago

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Oh my god dude can I get 116 for Jesse??? Bc he seems like the type of smug lil shit who would wear full lingerie under his armor and show you just to get you flustered 👀

Surprised?

HA, I finally got time to write! So sorry for being inactive on you guys D: I've had zero motivation, plus work, prepping for school, and holiday stuff I've been so scatter brained. Plus I was hard-core pinning for a dude and WHEW that distracted the heck out of me but I'm convincing myself it's not worth it and to focus on myself 😎👍(I'm failing but oh well.)

So, Jay bestie, this ask has been living in my mind rent free since the day you sent it. I love it so much, it is such a Jesse thing. That man would kill me if I saw him in lingerie of any type. Also I self indulged because suspenders are *chef kiss* in my opinion. Anywhoo, let's get on with it.

Jesse x Reader: "Wanna see what I'm wearing underneath all this?"

Words: 819

Readers Gender: neutral! Nothing specific stated :) (gunna start adding this part because U always forget to include if the reader in gn, f, m, etc.! Don't forget you can request gender if you send a request as well!)

Warning: leads onto suggestive content, but there is no actual smut! I was too lazy to write it out. So that's up to you to imagine I guess. Might make a pt.2 if I ever feel like it? There is mentions of drinking, lingerie, kissing, uhh- think that's it?

Tags: Tag List: @murdertoothpick @andiebell2023 @kaitou2417 @tacticalsparkles @baroclinicinstability @captain-rexs-girlfriend @kirinpl @anotherdudeinthisworld @bitchylittleredhead @neekid @dwarfplanet69 @phoenixhalliwell @spaceydragons @marvel-starwars-nerd @perfectcolortreestudent @ladykatakuri @my-own-oracle @808tsuika @blueplaidhood @bleghbreakdown @edlix @ahsoka1 @nahoney22 @perpetual-fangirl900

"Wanna see what I'm wearing underneath all this, you seem eager enough, mesh'la." His voice was muttered in your ear while you sat on his lap in a booth at 79's. The two of you had met up at the bar way more than you'd care to admit. A few drinks or so and now you were in his lap, teasing him. Or at least you were trying.

"I seem eager?" You muttered back, glancing back to him just the slightest. Rather thankful the other 501st boys were off doing their own things.

"Oh, you do," he affirmed, groping your thighs with his large hands. Smirk finding its way to his face at the way your breath hitched. "You're always eager for me." He cooed, and you both knew he was right.

"Bold words coming from you, Jesse," you spoke under your breath, yelping a bit when he pinched your hips. The action from you made a small laugh elicit from deep in his chest. You could probably feel the rumble of his chest if it weren't for his armor.

"Jesse," you hissed, which only egged him on to continue his devious schemes.

"Yes, Beautiful?" He cooed, lips pressing soft, warm kisses against your neck. Hands rubbing up and down your thighs with small hums.

"I still have a drink to finish, I can't just leave it." You stated persistently. Smiling smugly at the groan he let out.

His hand beat you to your drink. Snatching and downing the substance.

"What drink?" He asked after a sharp sigh.

You rolled your eyes with a small pout. "I was gunna drink it," leaning back against him with folded arms. To glance up to his face, only to notice the smirk he was shooting you. If it weren't for how handsome he was, you'd probably smack him.

It wasn’t before long until the two of you were back at your apartment. You were pressed flat against the bed, Jesse hovering over you. Something you were sure you'd never get used to. How his heavy form above you made the mattress around you dip. His surprisingly soft lips against yours. Calloused, ungloved fingers, trailing over what exposed skin they could find.

"I do have a surprise for you," he offered. His surprises were always something that you'd never expect. This one was beyond your mind as well.

"Oh yeah?" You asked with a grin. His lips pressing another gentle kiss to yours.

"Yup, but I need to undress first, I promise, you'll love it," he spoke with a wink. A small groan leaving his throat. Then he kissed and nipped at your neck. Both of you giggling at the way you gasped and yippee at the sensation of his teeth pinching your skin.

He climbed off you. Leaving the room for the fresher. Leaving your mind to wander. What was this 'surprise'? The two of you had been together for forever, now. Yet he still had oh so many tricks up his sleeves. Was it a new tattoo? A toy? It was honest to the maker, hard telling with the man you fell in love with.

"Jesse," you hummed out. Scooting further back onto the bed. "You need some help?" Your voice with soft and persuasive. A small smile pulling at your lips when you heard the way he seemed to speed up the way he removed the plastoid and fabric from his body. Along with the small curses falling from his lips.

"Nope, almost done, cyare."

The two of you hadn't done anything suggestive for quite a while now. So you could hear the desperation sneaking through his voice. The way you could hear him race to the fresher door and kick his armor aside with his feet. It made you smile quite fondly with how madly insane you could drive this man.

The fresher door finally opened, and you were in shock, putting it mildly. Your eyes raked up his body. The way he leaned against the fresher door. One arm above his head on the door frame. Other resting on his hip. His one ankle crossed over the other, and that signature smirk plastered on his face. But that's not even what had you in shock.

"Surprised?" He asked. Using the hand on his hip to motion at his body.

The man was wearing a set of navy blue lingerie. His chest was bare, besides the suspenders that hooked to the 'shorts' he was wearing. Covering the tiniest amount of his chest.

"Surprised doesn't cover it, hot stuff," you quipped. Which only made him snicker. Your words which only fill his growing ego.

"Well, now guess what?" He asked. One knee resting on the bed beside you. Mattress dipping once more. Leaning down to run a hand beneath our shirt.

"What, handsome?" You purr, batting your eyelashes.

"Now it's your turn to undress, unless you want another ripped outfit."

#arc trooper jesse x reader #arc trooper jesse #jesse x reader #jesse the clone wars #the clone wars #the clone wars x reader #star wars #clone x reader #star wars x reader #clone wars #clone wars jesse

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catzula · 4 years ago

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Change

a/n: this is a lil brain dump bcs I've been really inactive lately, sorry!! I wrote it in one sitting and I dint really know how I feel about it but yeah

warnings: toxic relationship i think? But its resolved in the end. Angst, miscommunication, anger management issues, conflict, break-up, but as I said, resolved in the end.

honorable mentions: female reader, 1.9k words, not proofread

Katsuki Bakugou.

Many might think he's an open book, a simple, hotheaded boy with anger management issues. He doesn't know any feelings other than anger. He can't understand others' emotions, doesn't care.

They were right about him being bad at controlling his emotions, but everything else was false. Bakugou had never been a simple person, and it was rare he met someone who truly understood him. You, for instance, were the only one that had come as close to understanding him, but no one could ever understand someone fully, could they?

Still, ever since he had met you, Bakugou was trying to change, or he liked to think he did. You did, too.

You tried to ignore those times it became apparent that he couldn't, didn't, wouldn't. As much as Bakugou tried to prove to you that he was giving it his best to try and change, there were times that proved it incompetent, not enough, and even a lie.

But you always did your best to forget, suppress the thoughts. It was near impossible not to when Bakugou came back to you, an apology hanging from his lips -although never spoken-, warm hands pulling you to him for a hug.

He's trying to change, you repeat to yourself. He's trying to change.

You think of the last fight you had and shiver as he lies on you, eyes droopy with sleep, nuzzling his face to your neck as you rub soothing circles on his back. The way his back rises and falls steadily makes you smile.

It was gradually getting worse, the fights.

As the months passed and exams approached, Bakugou became even more jittery. You felt your heart sink as you remembered his spitting words, "you're not even in the hero course! How would you fucking know how I feel?" But you did. You knew your boyfriend far too well, and even though you weren't experiencing it firsthand, you could see how stressful it was for him.

"Stop fucking babying me!" He had shouted when you tried to approach him, to get him to calm down. "Can't you see I'm trying to change? I'm doing all of this for you, and you keep asking for more- I-I'm doing it for you, okay? I'm trying to become better, so stop asking for more!"

You weren't asking for more, that, you wanted to say. You were trying to-to help.

"I don't want you to do this for me, if all the reason you're changing is for me, stop! I want you to change for yourself, not for me!"

That was unfair, how he was looking at you like he hated you, like he wanted you to disappear.

It's okay, you tell yourself. Katsu's with me now, in my arms, calm, promised me he would try to get better.

And he did, too. He always did. After a fight, Bakugou became the kindest person you knew, treating you like fragile glass, showing you love in his way. And it always led you to think. This is it. No need to worry anymore, you tell yourself when he kisses you softly, oh, so- so softly that you're sure there's no way this man that's holding you like this would ever hurt you ever again. Never.

That never is never longer than a few days, though.

In a few days' time, he- Katsuki forgets. The spite comes back, the snarky comments fitted in his sentences, the slight anger in his eyes. Why is he so angry? That, you can never tell. He's furious with you all the time, even when he himself doesn't know it.

"Katsuki?" You whisper meekly, and his eyes flutter sleepily. "Do you love me?"

Yes, he wants to say, I love you more than I love myself. But it's a soft grunt you get as an answer.

It's okay, though, since you understand it well.

"Tell that extra to bring my shit back." It's a gruff sentence voiced with a fury that tears you away from your thoughts.

For a second, your heart leaps. It's Katsuki! But the feeling sinks quickly. "It's Bakugou to you." You remember when he told you that, you remember too well the way he spitted the words as if he had spitted them on your face, a lump appearing in your throat quickly. He's not talking to you, rather about you, and it stings even more. You're the extra now, an extra that has his belongings in their room and nothing else, and he can't even tell you to bring them himself. Kirishima does it for him.

A half a bottle of his perfume that was never successful at suppressing his sweet smell.

A sweatshirt of his that he knew was your favorite.

A pair of socks, pencils and some other pieces of clothing, the usual.

A full, newly-bought bottle of his shampoo.

For some reason, that last one hurts more than anything else. It's not the shampoo itself, rather the fact that it's new, that Bakugou bought it just a few days ago when breaking up was never a thought.

Why did you break-up? It's very complicated. So complicated that you don't know it yourself. But you do know that he's angrier than ever, with you even more, for some fucking reason. He can't stand the sight of you, you know, he knows, too.

Bakugou himself doesn't know why he's so angry at you. He was the one who broke up, so what gives him the right to feel like this? Why do his hands clench into fists with the sight of you? His heart beating twice as fast with fury, head dizzy, his teeth clench, he can't breathe, a tightness heavying on his chest. With anger, he repeats. All these feelings are because he's so angry with you.

The day you knock on his door, a soft thump audible from the other side of the door, Bakugou knows you brought back the box of his belongings, and he wants nothing more than to open the door and pull you in. But what is he going to do after that? He doesn't know. All he does know is that the lump in the back of his throat is because he's holding back angry shouts. His eyes are stinging with tears that are caused by anger. There is a feeling boiling in the pit of his stomach that makes him feel sick, but it must be fury.

Why did you leave it to the door? Couldn't you have waited for him to open it and look at you for once? Do you hate him that much?

You have the right, too.

Bakugou hates to see you cry.

It's so annoying, he decides one day, as he catches a glimpse of you crying in your friend's arms, hugging them, telling them how much you missed Bakugou as they rub circles on your back.

"He never deserved you, anyway." He hears them say. It makes you cry even more.

Seeing you cry always makes him feel angry, Bakugou decides.

The way he discovers the reason for his anger is in a rather sick way.

All it takes is for him to see you laugh.

It's spring, the winter you broke up is over, the feelings aren't, though.

You're laughing, and you look so pretty under the tree, body swiftly shaking with laughter that doesn't seem to end.

Bakugou knows you like spring, and he notices it's been more than a winter since he last saw you laughing like this. Even before you broke up, he realizes you hadn't been laughing as you did now. That realization stings. You always laughed, smiled when you were with him, but it had a tinge of bitterness that never seemed to go away.

For the first time, it doesn't anger him, but it hurts.

Somewhere inside, Bakugou had always been able to sense your bitter melancholy. It's a feeling you felt even when you were the happiest, but he just hadn't realized it. Like pieces of a puzzle, every other realization starts dawning on him too.

He was angry at you because you always made him feel like he could never make you happy. All he could do was make you cry, you cried and cried, whenever you were with him, and it made him feel so frustrated- he hated it, he hated, hatedhatedhatedhatesyou.

But it wasn't you, it was never you Bakugou was angry with, but it was Bakugou himself.

Bakugou hates himself for never being able to make you happy.

Bakugou was never angry at you, he realizes. He was heartbroken. All those times he thought it was fury he felt when he saw you-

People think Bakugou doesn't feel anything other than anger.

They're wrong.

Bakugou feels many other things than anger, but he doesn't know how to differentiate them.

The next time you meet, there are two changes you realize about each other.

It's a cold night, another sleepless one you let yourself feel everything you suppress during the day. You don't expect to hear footsteps approaching you, it's the dead of the night and very cold, but you freeze when you take note of the sweet smell the sound brought with it.

You can't speak, do anything other than raising your eyes that are wet with tears to see if it really is the owner of your heart.

"We need to talk."

You don't want to, but you missed his voice more than you thought, that you're unable to leave.

But it's the moment your eyes meet with his blood-red ones that you realize why he's here. For the first time in a long while, there isn't a trace of anger in Bakugou's eyes.

He looks sorry, and that night is the first time you hear him apologize to you.

Despite how much he wishes it was, this apology isn't the last.

Bakugou is flawed. He will and does make you cry, maybe more than anyone else. He knows it, and you do too. But love is a strange thing, and it took him years to realize that you would rather cry your heart out than be without him.

So this time, when he takes you between his arms and lets you cry, two things have changed since the last time you both were in this position.

1: You noticed that this wasn't going to be the last time you cried because of Bakugou.

Throughout your relationship, you hoped, prayed that fight you had was going to stay the last, it never was. This way of thinking was flawed, damaging the relationship as much as the fights did. Bakugou could feel your growing sadness, dissatisfaction, fear that you were going to fight at every smallest disagreement you had, and they did nothing but make him angry, turning the conflict into a full-blown fight.

2: Bakugou wants to change. And not for you, but himself.

He wants to be a better person. He always did, but it was only because you asked him to. He wanted to be better for you, and it was the only thing he could think of whenever you told him he had to change. Its pressuring, made him insecure, made him feel like anything he did was never enough. But this time, right then as he envelopes you and pulls you into his embrace, Bakugou wants to be a better person. Not for you, not for anyone else. He just wants to be better, and he will start here.

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barnesandco · 4 years ago

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Eat the Rich: Chapter 2

Eat the Rich Masterlist

The Avengers are tasked with tracking down an elusive thief, and retrieving the grand amounts of money she has stolen. Even after capture, she turns out to be impossible to break, save for a mystifying interest in Bucky.

Written for @mermaidxatxheart ‘s #jamiesmadwritingbash, under the Robin Hood AU prompt.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: mentions of Bucky’s Hydra days, and a short mention of dissociation. Disaster Avengers having breakfast.

A/N: I really really really love that people are saying they like the reader bc that’s the character people envision themselves as when they insert themselves into this kind of fanfic. I hope you enjoy what more we get to see of the reader here. So enjoy, and please continue to reblog and comment -- it makes this so much fun!

I’m not doing taglists, but you can follow and turn on notifications for @ayeshaupdates to be notified when I post.

Divider by the fantastically talented @whimsicalrogers!

The dispute that had ensued after Bucky had voiced his wish to Steve had turned to resigned acceptance by the time the first slivers of dawn had started to creep across pristine floors, and Bucky found himself victorious. It's a grim glory that accompanies him down the hall and into the cell you had been moved into for the night. There's no mode of observation for this room, save for the presently closed viewing panel in the door. It's really early, and even though he doubts that you're asleep, given the stressful circumstances, his hand pauses where it's about to knock on the door.

With Steve having left for his run with Sam, and the others asleep or inactive in some way, shape or form, he's alone in the silver hallways of this portion of the Compound. Hand still in the air, tight fist, white knuckles and lip bitten red, and then he composes himself. Stepping away, he sits down on the floor, back against the wall and knees pulled up.

While he waits, he listens, even if all he can hear is his own heartbeat and the faint, collective chorus of the birds chirping. The sturdy walls and doors between your bed and his floor prevent any speculation on your activities, since the only monitoring permitted is that of vital signs so an alert can be raised if there is danger. He could open the panel, but that might wake you and he doesn't want that. Whether this disruption, and how it is sure to initiate the crucial dialogue he’s here for, is undesired for his sake or yours is unclear.

His head meets the metal behind him, and the cold stings at his scalp, but Bucky stays that way. Likes the cold bite of it, on occasions such as these, when he needs the ice-crystal clarity of mind, and he knows it'll warm up soon, under his touch. Likes knowing that Hydra doesn't control him all the time, that he can feel the prickle of freezing skin without having a debilitating flashback to cryostasis is indicative of how far he's come. He's no longer the man Steve flew to New Zealand for a month after he had a hellish dissociative episode courtesy of New York's first snowfall.

The metal thaws behind him, sunlight through the thin sliver of window at the top of the wall slides higher on the door. Opalescent solar glare on silver steel, half a rainbow in his exhausted eyes, and the weight of evaporating dew in the air is what precedes a conversation that has his stomach in knots and crosses.

The digital, holographic clock strikes nine above the cell door.

Rising to his feet, Bucky can feel every single one of his 103 years in his back, the avoirdupois of a century's lamentable events on his weary shoulders. So he does a breathing exercise before he tries the door again.

Allowing his lungs to expand to their full capacity, and then holding that breath there until his alveoli scream, before exhaling in a rush of sweet-cereal scented breath, makes him feel less stone-like. More muscle than metal, soft and pliable and open. Steve would argue that that's perilous, here, in front of a woman who's so touch-and-go, all breakneck smiles, but he's not an Avenger when he enters that room -- he's Bucky Barnes, looking for more pieces of himself, pieces that he'll never find if his eyes are shut tight against the impact.

You answer upon the second knock. "Come in." Your voice lilts to a light taunt, but it’s effect is minimized by the drowsy scratch of your voice. Opening the door after letting it recognize his irises, Bucky thinks that the same can be said about the Christmas-just-came-early spark in your eyes, when they're underlined by dark bags. You're still wearing the green hoodie.

" 'Morning," he says softly, pausing in the doorway. The cell contains a metal chair of the same style as those in the interrogation rooms, and the cot you're sitting up in, back against the wall behind you. There's a small door in one corner that he knows leads to a toilet cubicle.

"To what do I owe this extraordinary pleasure, Mr. Barnes?"

"Bucky," he blurts unthinkingly, and your eyes widen in surprise and amusement. His guard is down, and he needs to be cautious. "And you can thank yourself for being so goddamn persistent and getting on everybody’s nerves."

The smirk brought to your face is aimed at your hands, bound loosely in front of you. A more tender expression than most seen before. The long, fretful night seems to be taking its toll on you. Perhaps you’re slipping. Or perhaps you’re pretending to, his instincts warn. He sighs, clenches his hands into fists, lets his nails dig into his palm. Metal whirs, purrs, and he releases when you move both bound hands towards the chair in front of you.

Bucky sits down, rubs his palms back and forth over his thighs, lets the grainy feel of the denim under scratch at his hands. "You know me,” he begins.

"Not nearly as well as I'd like,” you say with a grin, looking up from your hands. He glowers.

"I'm serious."

Your smile widens. "So am I. Come a little closer. I don't bite,” you tease, and he decides to take you up on it. Gets up and sits on the cot a couple of feet away from you, folding one leg up so his foot is under his thigh and keeping the other on the floor. You’re unfazed at having your bluff called. "...Unless you want me to,” you finish, and he ignores it.

"You kept asking for me while you were being questioned.”

“You were watching? Did you like what you see?”

The temptation to roll his eyes is strong, but he manages to hold it in check, and fixes a strong focus on you. This is important. It’s about his life. “You wanted to talk to me, so here I am. Now let’s talk.”

“Where would you like to start?”

“How about your name?”

“Oh, you’ll have to get to know me a little better if you want me to give up that secret. Try again," you urge, and he huffs. Like drawing blood from a rock.

Every question he could ask, every query he needs an answer to is being whirled around in the chaotic storm in his head, and it's so difficult to pick out just one. “Have we met?” He decides upon, momentarily forgoing the alternatives: Who are you? Why do I feel like I know you? Why do I feel like you're important? What part of me do you hold in those bound hands of yours?

Head tilted upwards, you consider the ceiling while searching for an answer. “Briefly.” And then you pause. Bite your lip, look down, make a so-so motion with your head. “Well, I wouldn’t say met, exactly. I wreaked some havoc and you watched.” That tells me jack-shit, sweetheart.

“When?”

“February of 2013," you respond instantaneously. Good memory. That's useful.

“So I was with Hydra," he assumes, instantly going down all the roads he might know you by. A mission, a murder, more violence, another apology. Were you partners in crime, or his target? Or were you just in the way?

“I don’t agree with that phrasing, but yes, I suppose so."

“Did we work together?” He dares to question.

There's a change: a tangible shift in the atmosphere, like the scent of ozone in the air before a thunderstorm. The stiffening of your posture, how you sit up straighter but hunch your shoulders against some invisible attack tells him he's touching a nerve, nearing cyclone waters. It takes a moment for the mask to fall back into place over your face, before you're able to answer, with venom, repulsed. “God, no. I would never work for them.” It's the most sincere emotion he's heard from you, this disgust. It eases him to know how strongly you feel about Hydra, but he’s wary of your raw response to it.

So, he treads more kindly. Softly. On eggshells sharp and off-white, feeling his way around the balance of your temper. “Then how did we meet?”

“I was on a heist,” you say, matter-of-factly. In your tone of voice, now even and professional, it sounds like the most natural thing in the world. As though stealing from megalomaniac neo-Nazis is just another day at work.

“What kind of heist? Who sent you?” Bucky observes the way you're pulling the edges of your sleeves over your hands as much as you can with your restraints. At this question, your smile returns, and he relaxes. Can now feel his leg falling asleep under him now that he's not so tense.

“Nobody sent me. I’m a free agent. I work for myself,” you announce, chin up.

“What were you going to steal from Hydra?” He asks, and your head turns slowly towards him, firework sparkle meeting level, cool, sky-blue, a hurricane simmering behind his irises.

“You.”

“We did not sign up for this,” Barton grumbles from his second cup of coffee -- addicts, the lot of them -- adjusting his hearing aid with a frown on his face at the turn of events.

Sam clears his throat, setting down a half-empty glass of orange juice next to Natasha’s espresso on the table and speaks next, “That’s messed up, man, that’s really, really messed up.” This is said with a shake of his head, and Bucky, having no response to either Barton or Sam, addresses Steve.

“There’s something she’s not telling me, Rogers.” He uses the last name to revert to the days of talking shop in green tents with the gravity of impending shelling in the air. Life or death, and though the circumstances aren’t quite so acute right now, this is a grave matter, too. Steve's standing hunched over the kitchen island, arms outstretched and hands flat on the granite surface, studying the pattern like it holds all the answers.

Bucky watches him think, but Stark, in Spider-Man PJs and the bed-head of the century, strolls into the kitchen at a leisurely pace and interrupts. “There are a lot of things she’s not telling you. Who she is, where the money is, wh--”

“She’s not telling me why," Bucky interrupts a tirade that he knows could continue forever, given the chance. “People don’t go around stealing super soldier assassins for the hell of it.”

“Maybe she’s working for someone who wanted you to work for them instead of Hydra," Peter suggests over a ridiculously large bowl of ridiculously colorful cereal at the breakfast nook.

“She doesn’t work for anyone. Says she’s a free agent."

“And you believe her?” Sam wonders. It's a genuine question, curious but not dismissive or doubtful.

“Barnes has quite the built-in lie detector," Nat tells Sam from next to him, her yoga-pant clad legs splayed across another chair. Yeah, he’s good at telling when people are being dishonest, but there’s also the fact this woman is way too fearless, fucking crazy to be made to do anyone's bidding. No chance in Hell does she takes orders.

Tony slumps in an orange loveseat. “Must be a Russian thing," he quips, and then breaks out into a yawn.

Bucky puts his hands on his hips and glares at all of them, by turn, sharply. "Would you let me finish?" He demands. "She couldn't tell me why she was going to steal me from Hydra, but she said she'd show me." One could hear a pin drop in this room, now, the bustle of Avengers replaced by the obviously preposterous proposition Bucky's relaying. "Just me," he adds.

"Me?" He asks, voice rising in pitch and volume, and he fights to control both, rising to his feet. "Why would you steal me?"

"Have you seen you?" You ask back, eyes scintillating, glowing with mirth. "Gorgeous hair, those eyes, and hands that I'm sure know how to treat a girl right.”

Bucky looks daggers at you, and you look back. "I'm serious."

"I thought you were Bucky,” you say innocently, and he thinks he could scream in frustration, but he drops down, kneels just beside where you sit, and holds onto the edge of the cot like it’s the end of the world he’s falling off of.

"I don't think you understand how important this is to me. You know something about me you won't say. I've been trying to put together my past so I can understand myself better and you have a piece of my history. I need to know,” he enunciates each word as if it’s his last. Needs to convey the severity of the situation, how he has been trying to rebuild himself into a new life from the scraps of the old ones. He’s aware that he’s complete as he is but he also makes choices for himself now, and he chooses to know.

You look down, and although it’s your hands that are bound, you offer a golden prayer. "Let me show you." A lifeline, something he doesn’t want to believe and doesn’t know if he can trust. Hence, the question:

"What?"

A sad shrug of your shoulders is the first answer, and it all starts to unravel from there. "I can't tell you, I really can't. It's complicated and a really long story--"

Bucky elevates himself on his knees, his fingers dig in a little tighter, and the metal of the bed begins to creak ever so slightly. "The way I see it, we have all the time in the world, darlin'," he says in a thick voice, emotion simmering at the corners of his lips.

"Darlin'?" You can’t help but ask, without any flirt this time, any teasing, just a question in a tone as surprised as he is at the slip of tongue.

Bucky decides to ignore the interruption. "So let's start at the beginning.”

Fervently, you shake your head. "I can't." At his wide-eyed disbelief, "I mean it, I can't."

"No, you can, you just won't,” he insists.

"We could have a grammar lesson if you want, or I could show you why I was going to steal the Winter Soldier."

"What do you mean show me?" Bucky asks, moving to sit on the chair again. Leaning forward, he places his hands on his thighs, looks into your eyes to pull forth the words you won’t give him.

You blink, unbudgingly. "I have to take you somewhere. It's the only way to explain."

A sharp bark of a laugh escapes him, and he shakes his head as it recedes into chuckles. Your face is now blank and expressionless, gauging how to handle this, and he gives you the first response that comes to mind. "You're full of shit."

"What happened to darlin' ?"

Meeting your eyes, he says, “You want me to let you out so you can escape. A five-year-old could see through that.” Then, Bucky leans back in his chair, crosses one ankle over the other as well his arms. His hooded gaze is at a stalemate with yours, and it’s a hopeless tug of war. So this is how it ends. A night spent sleepless in vain, a few battle bruises and the tug of disappointment in his belly.

A dismal, and last-ditch sigh ripples through the air, from lips dark and worried bloody. Your eyes look overcast and you open and close your mouth repeatedly to say something, but do not voice your thoughts. Giving you the time to formulate whatever perfect sentence you’re trying to utter is torturous, but he waits. Until you stop, speechless, and he gets to his feet. Turns to the door, and then you speak from behind him, while his hand hovers over the handle.

"Let me take you, and only you, to the place you need to see, and I'll cooperate. I'll give you what I have left of the money, and I'll plead guilty in court and serve my time.” Bucky freezes. "Just come with me,” and you’re the one making requests, making pleas now. It’s inexplicable, he knows he should be looking this particular gift horse in the mouth, and he convinces himself that he will, in time, but right now, he accepts.

"Was that an innuendo?" He asks, still facing away, the question indicating a truce.

"If you want it to be," you say, and he turns around to look at you. "What do you say, Barnes, are we going on a road trip?

Hope swells somewhere in him he thought had been long abandoned for darker days and arduous nights. The same intuition that taught him to ask for this piece of himself tells him something is coming. Something that’s going to make a difference.

"Bucky. It's Bucky. And yeah, I guess we are.”

#ayesha writes #jamiesmadwritingbash #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n

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kotsume · 4 years ago

Text

my observations as a content creator :) warning: it’s long

if you’re reading this, don’t think too deeply about what i wrote - it’s just my analysis of fan blogs and some fandoms (so it’s all from my perspective). do what you want with this information, and feel free to lmk what you think ;)

*i tried to include as many anime-applicable blogs as i could remember*

multifandom reblog blogs (ones who track a tag):

@/allanimanga: lots of original content every day. does not reblog from tag anymore bc most members who had that job are inactive. i’m an admin and i’ve been told not to worry about reblogging from the tag, and just make content. has member privilege abuse from certain users; normally you make content for the blog and you get to reblog your stuff over in a 1:1 ratio, but they will just use the blog to promote themselves without contributing. it’s really sad but there’s nothing we can do bc most of the time it’s an admin.

@/animacia: was debating whether or not to put this one. reblogs mainstream anime (sailor moon, studio ghibli) and has a tag, but the tag itself does not seem to be actively used as the most recent post can see tagged for this blog dates back to june 2019 (more than a year ago). it’s an active blog regardless of slow tag activity.

@/animationsource: active, but very picky? idk man they either do or don’t reblog your stuff. it’s a hit or miss with them. seems to have member privilege abuse/preference (explained up there). not too sure if they have a queue or just reblog sporadically.

@/anisource: active. seems to run on a large, backlogged queue bc their tag is full of stuff that has yet to be reblogged. edits will probably take a while to be reblogged, but they’ll eventually get there!

@/dailyanime: new blog, but from what i’ve experienced, they will queue it, and your post will be reblogged in 1-3 days (it probably depends on how much is in their queue).

@/fyanimegifs: will reblog your stuff, but they have a very slow queue.

@/graphicsources: not really active; spontaneous at best. don’t count on them to reblog your stuff.

@/fyeahshoujo: not really active, but not completely inactive.

@/fysportsanime & @/sportsanimedaily: active. seems to have a backlogged queue, but just wait and you’ll be reblogged! it will take some time because there are lots of posts.

@/animangascenery & @/otomokatsuhiro (#oldanimeedit - changes url from time to time? that’s why i included the tag they track): inactive unless a member looks at the tag. in that case, they will most likely reblog the tagged post. typically mass reblogs/queues from the tag every once in a while.

@/bbelcher & @/fyeahmovies: will reblog ghibli and makoto shinkai stuff. bonus points if you have added a text description to gifs. 80% dependable.

@/filmgifs, @/filmtv, @/stream, @/movie-gifs, etc. (basically big reblog fansites that aren’t anime-oriented, but do reblog mainstream anime movies): 90% chance they will not reblog anything from you if there is no text description. add text descriptions to studio ghibli/makoto shinkai film gifs and make it pretty! use text gradients!! that will increase your chances of being reblogged by them. they don’t reblog seasonal anime.

a note: many creators use tags as a way of reaching a broader audience. it's really helpful for smaller blogs who would like to share their content to others, but do not have the means/numbers to do so. just bc some people don't utilize tags to their full potential, it doesn't mean it isn't useful, so pls don’t try to act superior to those who want more exposure. everyone deserves a chance at getting the attention they deserve for their hard work!

studio ghibli reblog blogs:

@/ghiblisdaily: great. amazing. i love them!! will reblog from you 99.9% of the time. probably the most reliable ghibli blog as of right now. uploads original content

@/fyghibli: used to be good at reblogging from tag, but has gone kind of inactive. i think they’re becoming more active again, but it’s very sporadic.

@/kikisdeliveryservices: they track a variety of studio ghibli related tags, and they do reblog a lot, but i don’t think they’re as consistent as ghiblisdaily. lots of original content.

@/oh-totoro: not really active, but when they are (and they reblog from you), your activity skyrockets.

@/dailyghibli: not active.

@/daily-ghibli: sometimes active, a little wishy-washy. they seem to be reblogging a little bit more consistently now?

@/princessghibli: not active, but reblogs here and there.

@/ghibligif: a new blog, but decently active. will reblog post from their tracked tag within a day. lots of original content.

main point: there are many studio ghibli blogs (wayyyy more than i’ve listed here), but only around 3-4 active ones. choose your tags with what you think will give you the best exposure bc if you have too much, tumblr will go “fuck you” and not show your post at all :)

random anime fandoms:

i’ll really only be including ones i’m in, or know a bit about.

haikyuu, bnha, kny, yoi: healthy and very active. content for these fandoms do well even if they’re not in season. has multiple active fan blogs (except for yoi tho - they’re all inactive for the most part).

noragami, ohshc, ons, snk, tg, swnku: active fandoms. edits will do moderately well bc most people have seen these.

popular sports anime (knb, free, dna, tsurune? idk i don’t watch much sports anime): they do okay. i rarely see any new sports anime edits beside haikyuu, but people do love their sports anime. has active sports fan blogs.

pokemon & sailor moon: old but gold. lots of people love these anime bc it’s part of their childhood. still very popular amongst tumblr users.

violet evergarden: does moderately well. @/fyeahvioletevergarden will reblog your stuff if you choose to tag them (big boost)! with the new movie coming up soon, there may be a resurgence in activity, but the most recent movie did not have much content made for it, so that hope may be crushed.

tpn: not very active, but with the new season coming up soon, there will be a resurgence in activity.

ditf: kind of dead, but lots of people love zero two. edits do moderately well.

sao: dead. absolutely dead. i thought there would be some activity bc it’s in season right now, but no, it’s a dead fandom. low key sao sucks tho. idek where the plot is going; i’m just hoping for an end.

hxh, one piece, fma, code geass: i’m not in it, but i think they do okay bc they have a large following, just not as well as haikyuu or bnha (but they’re still very popular). it depends on your blog demographic tho.

mp100, opm, bsd, given: kind of medium-tier fandoms. not as prevalent as haikyuu or bnha, but there are still edits being made for these anime. they don’t really have any active fan blogs (besides given i think) bc none of them are airing rn.

makoto shinkai & studio ghibli films: they do great! everybody loves good scenery, and the films are very well known and loved by all!

some seasonal anime (spring/summer 2020)

fruits basket: well this reboot blew up and overshadowed everything in it’s path. tbh only edits posted on the first day of the new episode do well. it’s a very competitive fandom for creators.

kaguya sama love is war: first season was good, edits did well. second season drifted off into the shadow of fruits basket. relatively obscure fandom for how popular it is amongst people (non-creators).

tower of god: popular with creators. now that it’s not airing, no one gifs it. respective fan blog is doing its best with content from the manhwa.

fugou keiji balance unlimited: people were simping even before the first ep came out, and then the anime went on hiatus for a few months. now that it’s started to air again, everyone acts like it never existed in the first place... was a good fandom up until the hiatus and now it will probably take a while to recover.

god of high school: nonexistent even tho it’s a popular pick this season (summer 2020). in the shadow of fruits basket.

deca-dence, bna, great pretender, kakushigoto, the misfit at demon king academy, rent-a-girlfriend: *sigh* didn’t see much of it on my dash. lesser-watched seasonal anime in comparison to fruits basket and tower of god (all relative to tumblr). there are gifs being made, but you have to follow the right blogs.

main point: if there’s any seasonal anime paired up against fruits basket at the same time, fruits basket will win and the former will be left in the dust.

#i've been itching to write this for a while #just my thoughts as a #content creator who uses tags #feel free to correct me on anything #or give me a new perspective #text #mine #mytext

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steponmepinkjun · 3 years ago

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I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

#felix-bi-anon #asksteppie

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onceuponastory · 4 years ago

Text

Coming Back Home Chapter Two: I Am A Heart

“I am a heart that’s hard to pin, You are an arrow sticking in” - hey ocean!: i am a heart

Read Chapter One: Hometown here!

Plot: Six years ago, Y/N left her hometown and all its bad memories behind, and never looked back. But now, she’s come back to be the maid of honour in her sister’s wedding. Returning ‘home’ means she has to confront her past, the last thing she wants to do. When she meets the handsome best man Nick, she feels more comfortable…until her sister asks her to show Nick around town…a town that Y/N fell out of love with a long time ago.

Can Y/N fall back in love with the town she left behind, and maybe find love of her own along the way? Important: This story is based on a prompt by @orphicodysseywrites. It’s a mix of prompts one and two from this post, so full credit for this idea goes to them! Warnings: There’s a few mentions of death in this chapter. If you’re sensitive to it and don’t want to read this chapter because of it, I totally understand <3 A/N: This is a very long chapter, almost 2,500 words long, so I hope you all enjoy it, lmao. As always, this chapter has been checked for errors, but if you see any pls do let me know. I’m going to be inactive this coming week, because I’m taking a little staycation to a place with very limited wifi, so if you send me a message/request, it might take me a while to respond. But I will respond ASAP! I will also be trying to work on chapter three/other stuff whilst I’m away, but I REALLY need this break, so pls don’t get mad if I don’t write anything.

Again, special thanks goes to my best friend Jo, aka @thesundrop, who made this banner, and helped so much with planning this fic. Some of you may know her as @staticscreenwriting, where she writes Billy fics. Check them out, they’re amazing!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Nick or his character! I just used Nick bc he’s the only character of Dacre’s that fits this prompt. Again, aside from Nick being in this, this fic has NOTHING to do with The Broken Hearts Gallery. But you should all go see the movie if you can, because it’s adorable!

Adjusting my hair and outfit in the mirror for what felt like the hundredth time, I sigh. “You look fine, stop adjusting your outfit...” I tell myself. “Nick’s not going to care how you look....right?” God, I’m a mess. Putting on yet more lipgloss, Jane’s voice echoes in my mind.

“Both of you look so much like your mother. Especially you Y/N.” She was right, I did. Not that I had many memories of how my mother looked when she was still alive, but hours spent leafing through stacks of photo albums with my Nana and Katie when we were younger had made me more familiar with her and how she looked. She was gorgeous. I wish we had more time with her. If we had, our lives would be very different...and I would never have come to this town in the first place. Suddenly, I feel stinging sensation at my eyes. Aaaaand I’m crying. Great. Just what I fucking needed. A knock sounds at my door.

“Y/N? Are you alright? You’ve been up here a while.” Nick’s voice sounds through the door. No, THIS is just what I fucking needed. Shit. Now he’s going to think I’m a total emotional weirdo who doesn’t want to spend time with him. Not that that was a TOTAL lie, I did want to spend time with him....just anywhere but here. Oh, he’s going to hate me. “If you’re not feeling well or something’s come up, we could do this another time?” Nick continues, and I sigh again. He’s so sweet. I can’t let him down. Quickly trying to stop the tears from falling, I open the door, and Nick smiles. “Hi. You look great.” I immediately blush.

“Thanks...Oh! So do you!” I gasp, trying not to seem awkward.

“Thank you.” Nick chuckles. He looks at me closer, and his eyebrows furrow together. “Are you okay? Have you been crying?” He asks.

“Uh, no! It’s just...allergies.” I lie. “The dust in this house is terrible. So...shall we head out?” I ask, and Nick nods. The two of us walk downstairs.

“Byeeee you two! Have fun!” Katie’s voice calls from the living room. Oh, I’m sure I will.

“So, what do you wanna do?” Nick asks as the two of us leave the house.

“I don’t mind. I mean, we could go to the park, or for a coffee....or just, a walk in the woods?” I suggest. “Actually, maybe not the woods. There may be an axe murderer, or the big bad wolf or something.” I immediately cringe as soon as the words leave my mouth, and Nick laughs. Oh god, he’s laughing at me and how cringy I am.

“I mean, I didn’t personally think of that, but that’s a valid concern. I think we should take the park then.” He says, and I nod. “This way?” He points towards the town, and I nod. He sets off, leaving me standing there.

Well, that went better than expected. Oh right, I better go catch up with him.

“So, how long did you two live here?” Nick asks as we both walk closer into town.

“Um, about...sixteen years.” I work out the maths in my head. “We moved here when I was four, and Katie was two. We both left to go to college.”

“Oh! I thought this was where you guys were born.”

“Nooo, we just call it our hometown cause we’ve lived here from such a young age. At this point, it feels like our hometown. We’re actually from New York City, and we both moved back there for college. I live there full time now. Katie’s in New Jersey.” I explain.

“Oh, what a coincidence! I live in New York too.” Nick smiles. “Small world, right?” I nod. “So, if you don’t mind me asking, why did your parents pick here to move? This place is nice and all, but it’s a lot different than New York.” He asks. A memory flashes through my mind.

“What the hell do you expect me to do? I can’t look after them! This shithole is the best option, and you know it.” I shudder, hoping Nick doesn’t notice.

“Um....just personal circumstances really. Our Dad wanted a change of pace and scenery for us. He thought the city was too busy for us to grow up in.” Nick nods, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Another crisis averted. I look up at the sky and see the leaves on the trees. Some were bright orange, whilst others were red. I sigh happily. “You gotta hand it to my sister, she picked one of the most beautiful times of year to get married.”

“Yeah, beautiful.” Nick mumbles, and I look back over at him to see him looking at me.

“What?” His eyes go wide.

“Nothing! Just agreeing with you!” He gasps, before continuing to walk. Okay, that was weird. I shrug it off and follow him down the street. After a while, we reach the park and begin to walk around together. The two of us are silent as we take in the scenery around us. The leaves crunch under our feet. I was right, this time of year really was beautiful. The cold wind blows, and I shiver. “Want my jacket?” Nick asks.

“No thanks, I’m okay.” I smile. But come on, giving a girl his jacket? That’s so cliché...and so damn cute.

“Want to go on the swings? That might warm you up a bit.” He suggests. Another memory enters my mind.

“When’s he coming back?” I ask, tugging on her skirt. “I miss him.

“...Soon, sweetheart. He’ll be back soon. Why don’t you go and play on the swings and I’ll come over and give you a push in a minute?” She suggests, and I nod vigorously.

“Okay! See you in a minute!” I call, running towards the swings.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go on the swings.”

~~~

A few hours later, Nick and I were in the local coffee shop, chatting about everything from our interests to our time at college. “So when do you want to practise our big dance number?” Nick asks, taking a sip of his coffee. I sigh.

“Oh right, I forgot we’re meant to plan that at some point.” Nick chuckles. “So, what song do you want to pick?” Nick shrugs.

“It’s up to you, I’m okay with whatever.” I raise an eyebrow.

“Really? I don’t think Katie would be happy if we picked something like Baby Got Back to dance to.” Nick bursts out laughing.

“You’re right. But it would be funny. Any suggestions?” I shake my head.

“I mean there’s so many...maybe something slow? Or something more upbeat?”

“Well we have some time, so why don’t we each make a list and pick one?” He offers. I nod. “You know, I had a really nice time today...” Nick begins. I smile.

“Me too.” And I actually meant it. Despite how much I was dreading this, it went better than I expected. My phone rings, and I take it out of my bag. “Hey, Katie...Yes, I know...Okay, I’ll be back soon. Bye.” I hang up.

“Everything alright?” Nick asks.

“Sorry, turns out I’m urgently needed for some maid of honour duties, so I gotta go. Are you okay here, or do you wanna walk back to the house with me?” Nick waves me off.

“No, don’t worry, you go on. I need to take care of something in town anyways. See you later.”

“Bye, Nick.” I leave the coffee shop, and start the walk back to the house, almost feeling a spring was in my step. For the first time since being back here, I was happy. I was comfortable. And it was all thanks to Nick. I soon reach Nana’s house and walk inside. “Helloooo!” I call.

“Well, someone sounds happy.” Katie’s voice sounds from the living room. She comes out to greet me. “Oh. My. God. Look at the smile on your face!” She gasps.

“I had a great time with Nick today.” I explain.

“I can see that. Guess my big sister has the hots for the best man, huh?” She teases. My eyes widen.

“No, I don’t!” My cheeks flush.

“Mhm sure. Deny it all you want, I can tell. Anyway, come on you, we need to make the centrepieces.” I wasn’t in love with Nick. I may love spending time with him, but I absolutely was NOT in love with him.

~~~

That Night

"We are here today to honour the life of Rose L/N.” The priest begins. “She was a light in the lives of many, especially her two granddaughters, Y/N and Katie, who she is survived by. For most of their lives, she was also their guardian.”

“He’s not here.” Katie whispers in my ear. I discretely roll my eyes.

“Of course he isn’t. He stopped caring a long time ago.” I reply. I find her hand beside mine and give it a squeeze. “We have to be strong together now, like she said. It’s just us now.”

My eyes open, and I look around the room for a moment to get my bearings. I’m still in my childhood bedroom. It was just a dream. A dream featuring our past. A past I had tried to run from. Of course, it found a way to find me again. It has a funny way of doing that. My eyes drift over to the bedside table, displaying a picture of Katie and I with our Nana from many years ago. I smile softly and run my fingers over the image. “I miss you, Nana. I wish you were still here. To guide me...to guide us.” Laying back on my pillows, I sigh and hold the picture close. “Maybe if you were still here, I wouldn’t be such a mess.”

~~~

One Week Later - Fifteen Days Until the Wedding

“I’m just saying, Cinderella continues to be the best live-action Disney adaptation. It’s faithful to the story, the costumes are great, and it’s just so cute!” I exclaim, trying to stifle a yawn in the process. I was still having nightmares and barely sleeping. Thankfully, I was managing to hide it well, and nobody suspected anything. If they did, I could just lie and say I was up late working on bachelorette party plans and lost track of time. Nick laughs. “What?”

“I love that this is what you’re passionate about.” He grins.

“Well, I’m absolutely right.” I tell him, and he nods.

“Oh, absolutely.” I had a feeling that he had no idea what I was talking about, which was usually the case. But he agreed with me anyway, which I appreciated. Despite all my nightmares and bad memories, spending almost every day with Nick was helping me feel happier, and far more comfortable. It also took my mind off of my nightmares from the previous night. Nick was lovely, and I actually felt upset whenever we had to go back to the house. The fact he was gorgeous helped too, of course. Before I can say anything else, I suddenly spot the town’s bakery and walk over to the window.

“Look at all these cakes.” I smile. “Oh my god, those cupcakes still look delicious.” I state, staring through the window at them. “My Nana used to bring Katie and me here every Friday after school, and we’d each get a cupcake. I always chose the birthday cake ones, cause it felt like we had a birthday celebration every week.” I smile fondly. “It’s one of my favourite memories of her.”

“Do you want one?” Nick asks, causing me to look over at him. “Seriously, do you want one?” He repeats, taking out his wallet. “They do look amazing. And after all, today is Friday. Can’t waste traditions.” He smiles, and his smile almost makes my heart do backflips.

“Seriously?” I ask.

“Seriously.” Nick opens the door of the bakery. I hear the wind-chimes over the door sound as we both walk in, just like they did all those years ago. The smell of baking is everywhere, filling me with a sense of comfort.

“Oh god, I remember this smell. It’s so...familiar.” I whisper to myself, closing my eyes. In that moment, I feel like I’m a little kid spending time with my Nana again. But when I open my eyes, I’m back to my real life, and the nostalgia is gone.

“I’m coming, just give me a few minutes!” Someone calls from through the back of the bakery.

“Opal?” I ask. Opal was the owner of the bakery...at least when I still lived in Saint Chase. Like Jane, she was friendly and welcoming, and every customer was her friend. She always used to sneak Katie and I samples of her new loaves of bread and cakes before we went to school in the mornings. If we liked them, they stayed. She always called us her honorary business partners. Of course, now I know she probably said that to every kid who wandered in, but it made kid me feel great.

“That’s my name, don’t wear- oh!” She gasps, immediately retreating back through the door she came from. Nick and I give each other a confused look. Rose returns a few moments later, carrying a small cake.“Katie! You look so different from the last time I saw you. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!” She grasps my hand and shakes it vigorously, then does the same to Nick’s hand. “Want to see a preview of the cake? This is in no way finished, but it’s just a small sample of the real thing.”

“Oh no, I-”

“We’re not-” Nick and I begin, but Opal ignores us.

"You two are going to just love it.”

“Opal! I’m not Katie!” I insist. She gasps, and her eyes go wide. “Katie is my sister. This is Nick. He’s the best man.”

“Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.” Her face goes red. Nick and I reassure her that it’s okay. “Anyway, what can I get you?” Nick and I order our cupcakes, and she rings them up for us. Nick opens his wallet to pay for them, but Opal shakes her head. “No, please, these are on me. Count it as an apology...Seriously. I’m so sorry about the mixup.”

“Well, thank you!″ Nick smiles, taking the cakes and walking towards the door.

“Y/N...” Opal beckons me in closer, and I lean in. “I just have to say, you two are adorable together. I’m still sorry for my mistake, but honestly, you two look like a great couple.”

“We’re not-”

“Everything okay?” Nick asks.

“Oh! Yeah. Opal just wanted to ask me when we’re picking up the wedding cake.” I lie, giving Opal a pointed look. She nods vigorously. “Come on, let’s go. Bye Opal.” I say quickly, walking towards the door. She waves goodbye to us as we leave the store. Once we’re outside, Nick passes over my cake, taking a bite of his.

“Oh. My. God.” He moans happily. “That’s incredible.”

“Right?” I agree, taking a bite of mine. “It’s just as good as I remember.” Nick starts laughing at me again, and my eyes widen. “What? Did I say something weird?”

“You have icing on your face.” He responds. Of course I do. I’m a walking cliché, honestly. “Actually, you know what? I don’t care. This cake is that good.” I take another bite. “And besides, so do you.”

~~~

Later That Day

“That one looks like a dog.”

“A dog? No way. It looks like a hamster.”

“How the fuck does it look like a hamster?” Nick frowns.

“How the fuck does it look like a dog?” I respond, raising my eyebrow. Nick laughs. The two of us had finished eating our cupcakes (and wiped our faces), and were back in the park, drinking coffee and trying to see if we could tell what shape the clouds were.

“Guess we gotta agree to disagree.” I smile. “Even though I’m totally right.”

“Of course you are.” He says sarcastically, and I gasp in mock annoyance. But I don’t detect any malice from his comment...well, I hoped he wasn’t actually annoyed with me or anything, but he didn’t seem to be. Like I said before, I felt comfortable with Nick. Even though we had met a week ago, it felt like the two of us could joke with each other to our hearts content, neither meaning anything bad by it. It was weird how close we were, despite not knowing each other for that long. “Uh, Nick?” I ask, looking up again.

“Mhm?”

“Do those ones look like rain clouds, or is that just me?”

“I think you’re right, it’s-” The heavens open before he can even finish his sentence. “Oh god, okay, come on, I saw a bike shed or something over there, we can hide out there until it stops.” Nick tells me, quickly taking his jacket off and throwing it at me.

“What’s this for?!” I ask.

“What do you think it’s for?! It’s to hold over our heads!” Nick shouts. “Now come on, let’s go.” He holds out his hand, and I take it. He pulls me up. “Ready to run?” He asks. I nod. The two of us begin running through the park, holding Nick’s jacket over our heads with one hand each. We laugh as we run, trying to avoid slipping on the damp leaves or falling over. We soon reach the shelter, and Nick and I jump under it. The shelter is small, so our bodies are pressed up close against each other. I’m aware of the scent of his cologne again. Nick’s body is warm against mine as he wraps the jacket around my shoulders.

“You don’t have to give me your jacket.” I protest, but he insists.

“Don’t be silly. What would your sister say if I made her maid of honour catch a cold?” He asks.

“The same thing she’d say if the best man caught a cold.” I reply, trying to take the jacket off. Nick reaches out, gently placing his hands on my arms, stopping me. It feels like electricity runs up my arms as he touches them.

“Y/N, don’t worry about it. Honestly.” The two of us stand there, Nick still holding onto my arms. But it feels good. It feels...right. Nick keeps looking at me.

“Do I still have some icing on my lips?” I ask. Nick shakes his head.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” He mumbles loud enough for me to hear. Whether I was supposed to hear it or not, I wasn’t sure. Nick leans closer to me, and my brain immediately goes:

“He’s going to kiss me. Oh my god, he’s going to kiss me. Do I even want him to kiss me?” And I realise that...I think I do want him to kiss me. Nick’s head moves closer to mine, and my head rises up to meet his. But just as our lips are about to touch, my phone rings, causing us to break apart. Dammit. I take my phone out, seeing Katie’s name flash on the screen. She always has the best timing. “Hey Katie. What’s up? ...Yeah it’s raining really badly. Yeah, a lift back would be great. We’re at the park. Okay, see you soon. Love you too. Bye.” Hanging up, I sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Nick responds. However, despite him saying that, it still felt like the air around us had changed. It wasn’t like we could go back to where we left off either, because everything felt awkward now.

Shit.

~~~

That Night

“Be good for your Daddy, okay Y/N?” She bends down and presses a kiss to my forehead. I nod. “I know I can trust you to help him look after your sister, right?”

“Of course, Mommy!” She grins, and pulls me in for a tight squeeze.

“There’s my smart girl. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I nod again.

“Have fun, Mommy!” I call, as she walks out of the door. And then, she was gone. The image changes into something else. “Daddy? Where’s Mommy? Why are you crying?” He blinks rapidly and bends down to my eye level.

“Mommy’s had to go, sweetie.” He explains.

“But...but where? She was meant to take me to kindergarten!” He looks away from me.

“I’m sorry. Your mommy’s an angel...she’s not coming back.”

Gasping, I sit up in bed again, looking around the room. My heart is racing. “It’s just a bad dream...Just a bad dream...” I tell myself, trying desperately to calm myself down. Getting out of bed, I cross over to the window, trying to ignore my shaking hands, and peek out at the night sky. Rows and rows of trees disappear into the darkness. “It’s not real. She died almost twenty years ago. It’s just a bad dream.” Clenching my fists, I furiously wipe at my eyes. "Dammit!” I curse.

I hadn’t had nightmares about the death of our mother in at least fifteen years. I thought I was finally getting better. Of course, life had other ideas. “I knew I should never have fucking come back here.” I hiss. That’s why still had bad dreams, because I was back here. I should’ve said no and ran when I had the choice. No, no, that’s stupid. Of course I couldn’t have said no. I could never let Katie down. God knows life let us down enough times already. No, I need to stop blaming the town for my problems. It’s my fault. I thought I was ready and healed, but obviously, I’m not. God, I need a drink.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, I leave my room and tiptoe downstairs to the kitchen, using my phone torch as a light source. Once I reach the kitchen and flash my light into the room, I almost jump out of my skin when I see a figure sitting at the kitchen table.

“Hey, I- Y/N?” Nick blinks his eyes, clearly startled by the bright light of my phone.

“Jesus Christ Nick! I thought you were a fucking murderer!” I gasp. He frowns.

“A murderer...who sits at the kitchen table? Anyway, why are you up so late? It’s like 2am!” I switch the light on.

“I could ask you the same thing. Why are you here scaring the life out of me at 2am?” He holds up some paper.

“Best man’s speech. I had a stroke of genius and decided to write some of it.”

“In the middle of the night? In the darkness? And people say I’m weird.” Nick chuckles. I cross over to the cupboards and get out some mugs to make tea. “Want some tea?” I ask, and he nods.

“Anyway, you didn’t answer my question. What brings you here at this hour?”

“Oh I just love hanging out with men in kitchens at 2am, didn’t Katie tell you?” I tease, filling the kettle and putting it on to boil. Nick laughs. I can’t tell him the truth. Then he would think I was weird. “But seriously. Couldn’t sleep.” I mean, that wasn’t a total lie. Nick didn’t have to know the truth. “How’s the speech going?”

“Ehhh?” Nick responds. I turn back to him and raise an eyebrow. “Not well.”

“I can tell.” The kettle finishes boiling, and I pour the water into the mugs. “But I’m here now, so you have an extra person to help you.”

~~~

One Hour Later

“Y/N...Y/N?” I hear someone whispering. Is someone....nudging me? I look up. Why was my head on the table? I notice that Nick has scooted closer to me. Is he the one nudging me?

“Mmm, Nick...whashappenin?” I mumble.

“You fell asleep.” He explains. I shoot up in my seat and rub my eyes.

“What?!” I gasp. “Why didn’t you wake me up?! I was meant to be helping you with your speech!”

“It’s alright, don’t worry.” Nick reassures me. “You looked really tired, so I thought I’d let you sleep. You sure you’re okay?” He asks. Before I can say anything in response, I yawn. “Guess that answers my question. I think you should go to bed.” I shake my head.

“Nope. I’m not....” I cut myself off with another yawn. Nick gives me a look. “...Okay, maybe I’m a little bit tired.” I admit.

“Mhm. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He helps me up. I protest, but he continues to do so. “Y/N, trust me. You need some sleep. You’ll thank me later.” I realise he’s probably right. So, I let him lead me upstairs and into my bedroom, his hand resting on the small of my back. “So uh....can you take care of yourself from here?” He asks. I chuckle softly and nod.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thanks Nick.” I smile. “Goodnight.”

“Night Y/N.”

~~~

The Next Morning - Thirteen Days Until the Wedding

“You invited Great Aunt Hilda? Seriously? All she’s going to do is talk about her cats.”

“That’s why she’s sitting with you. At least you’ll have something in common.” Katie jokes. I jokingly punch her in the arm. “Hey!” She laughs. The two of us were spending the day arranging seating charts and finalising the seating plan. So far, it was all going well, and we managed to make it fun. “Oh, god.” Katie wrinkles her nose. “I forgot both Uncle Chris and Aunt Pamela said yes, AND they’re bringing plus ones. That’s gonna be rough.”

“I’m sure it’ll be okay. Didn’t they get divorced like three years ago?” I ask.

“Yeah, but I don’t think Aunt Pam’s gonna be a fan of his plus one....” She raises her eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh right, he dumped her for his secretary, the one with the big boobs, didn’t he? Are they still together?”

“Yuuuup. She’s the plus one.”

“Better sit those two as far away from each other as possible then...” I mumble, trying to arrange the tables on my side of the chart as best as I can. Studying the rest of the little figures representing people, I frown, seeing one I haven’t seen before. One I definitely did not expect to see. I pick it up, and my eyes go wide. “Uh, Katie?”

“Mhm?”

“...Why does our Dad have a seating place?”

#dacre montgomery #dacre x reader #dacre montgomery fanfic #dacre montgomery fic #nick x reader #coming back home fic

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bonenkruid · 5 years ago

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so my wonderful pal kelly @yikesalert tagged me in this a bit ago, thank you!. in return i tag @hunting-for-pirate-booty @finngualart @princessprouvaire @devilynz @desert-scng and @mychemicalreturn. have fun go wild if u feel like it.

lets go wahoo

name: cillian

nickname: cill, cilli, chillian, egg, bean, noodle, murd (short for murder), homi (short for homicide)

star sign: capricorn

gender: just fucking vibing bro. imagine a small clementine wedge cradled in your palm. yeah. i call myself a man tho

current time: as i type this: 10:38 pm

favourite artist: currently its mcr and all their side projects. but i also love dead poet society an absurd amount

song stuck in my head: lets go vine

last movie i saw: genuinely cant fucking remember. i havent watched movies or tv in so fucking long??? i can only say ive been thinking about rewatching the man from u.n.c.l.e. so many times recently, but still havent done it.

last thing i googled: “de staat 17 oktober”; saw a poster while on an evening walk and realised one of my current favourite artists are playing in october!! so i got tickets. am keeping my fingers crossed about it

other blogs: @anthrophobist: aesthetic, inactive. @ares-three: space, inactive. @cosmic-dilf: cosmic dilf. @gncgerard: mcr. more active than this blog

do i get asks: barely!

reason for url: james flint in season 4 of black sails.

following: 260

average sleep: on a mathematical average id say roughly 6.5, maybe 7. im just the poster child for healthy sleeping habits

dream job: none. i just want to make art and tend to my vegetable garden.

dream trip: milton keynes for mcr, then bonn for mcr, then paris for the heck of it, then trondheim for black pistol fire, then rotterdam for de staat. im listing this as my dream trip bc some virus had to go and fuck things up for me and my summer plans.

currently wearing: cargo pants, white long sleeved shirt with half the sleeves cut off, black hoodie.

favorite food: this one surinamese chicken noodle dish my mum makes. fuckin glorious shit. or a good indonesian rijsttafel

instruments: i picked up bass precisely 8 days ago, ive never played an instrument before in my life.

favorite song: i think spotify would tell me it’s dear percocet by frank iero

thanks again for tagging me kelly! this was lovely.

#*#txt #tagged #tag games #about #long post

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survivor-mesopotamia · 4 years ago

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Ep. #1 - “hail santa that is all.” (Chrissa)

Nothing much really so far. We got into tribes so far everyone seems cool ans all so can't wait to see what happens from here.

Opening thoughts: I'm very much downplaying my knowledge, making it seem like I care most about challenges, know nothing about how online Survivor works (I played and hosted one) and not a massive amount about the actual show either, asking a lot of questions. Trying to find people with the most similar personalities and let others propose any alliances.

boy am i overwhelmed

Day 1; So I'm sitting here, eating dinner, a salad with garlic bread and a mike's hard pineapple strawberry lemonade, and I decide to do a confessional! Lets talk about my tribe, first and foremost. We're the "Second Chances" tribe. Fitting, we're all FLOPS. Imma do this in the order we were REVEALED to the world. Because that's cute, right? We're basically the beauty tribe bc everyone is lowkey real scrumptious lookin. Eric; Before this game, Eric and I bonded in the Ahkmim VL about how we never get cast for tumblr survivor, and how we're waiting for redemption, and I'd feel bad leaving him as the first boot. So hopefully he'd also feel bad, and wanna talk to me. I don't think the two of us have much in common yet, he's into anime, and reading, which is like, two things I'm not really down for, but I'm definitely gonna give Spirited Away a try sometime soon so I can talk to him about it. I kinda wanna ask if the red in his hair is naturally like.. blood red. But maybe that's the lighting in the room, or maybe he died it even MORE ginger, because I often hear to him referred to as GINGER Eric, but also i don't wanna have an awkward "No, this is just like.. normal ginger" conversation. Megan; Ohhhh Megan.. my girl Megan. We've had a rocky road in our friendship, and I wish I was just talking about ice cream. Something about her though just makes me have infinite patience for the things the two of us deal with, I can't help but just want to be with her all the time. I scouted her out from FaceBook to play my Whodunnit, and we've been extremely close ever since, our game relationship has been rocky enough for me to worry slightly about her, but all I can do is trust her, and build good enough relationships with other people that if she tried to fuck me over, I would know, and strike first. Its still unclear to this day whether she had a hand in my elimination in a Big Brother game we played, 1984. What is crystal clear, is that we cried together while she cast her vote to evict me. I love her, won't never stop lovin her. I'm hoping this can be OUR season to dominate, because I feel like we're almost evenly matched when it comes to a jury vote. Will; "Whoop-de-do" iconic king of not getting his haircut. Uhh.. idk what all to say, because before the game, I knew nothing of this man. However, Monty said something about him being alive and on Skype, and my mind immediately goes to "Is he hot?" and I check his profile, and publicly announce that he's hot. Which isn't FALSE, but then we both get revealed for the game, and put on the same tribe. So now we're vibing, and relating on the fact that tumblr players hate us, and we've deemed each other, "Heather". He's currently petitioning to call our tribe "The Heathers" instead of Enlil. We get on really well, and he's pretty damn cute. Also, he goes to bed SO early, I hope we get enough time to talk and get close on this tribe. Julian; Well. This is a lot to unpack, but I found out he was playing about 3 days before the game, and since that point. He's gotten unnecessarily aggressive with me, and a couple others over non-tumblr related matters. Julian and I have a rocky history, between me being recruited, and auto-casted for his ORG, Trinity Survivor, his ex-co-host/current-best friend berating me, and deleting messages to make me look bad. To Julian throwing passive aggressive low-blows about my social ineptitude in my face if I'm angry about something, to us making final 3 together in minis. Overall, I'm constantly at odds about how I perceive our relationship, I want to be able to assume the best of him, and say that I'm good in his book, no matter what happens. I think a lot of the time, our friend group isn't the most mature, and it is really difficult to have an adult conversation with someone from within that friend group, without someone else having an opinion to share on it, so I've heard things that he's said about me, that I'm not necessarily sure if its true or not, but I try my best to hold a strong, level head and smile whenever I see him, but sometimes its difficult wanting to approach a conversation with someone head on, but knowing that you can't do that with him is definitely a struggle of mine. We have very different communication styles, and its difficult to see past it sometimes. For now, I'm going to be working with him, but I'm not sure how long that can last, as he admits it himself, he can only handle my personality for short periods of time. Jack; Well, Jack hasn't said a single word for the last three hours, since the game has begun. I don't WANT to have to stay up till 5-6 in the morning to try to have a conversation with him, but if that's what I gotta do, then that's what I gotta do. Chrissa; Chrissa, Todd. My LOVE. Chrissa is someone that I owe something to, she's amazing, beautiful, talented, show stopping, never before seen, etc. Our game relationship is not great, because I organized her first boot in Ascendance Season 4; Back to the Future. However, it was because she was attached to someone that kept accusing me of having powers behind my back. So, hopefully Chrissa forgives me, and gives me another chance, because I'd love to work with her. I feel like Chrissa is someone who is extremely intelligent, and loyal, and that's someone I want on my side. I love my tribe, lets win every challenge until the merge!!

Well... I’m back again... not going inactive this time! Let’s just do a quick roundup for now: JJ seems to think we’re in a showmance already which is either great or bad for my game, Megan’s a sweetheart and I could see us aligning, Eric is definitely a gamer and I have a feeling he’ll be a loyal, jack and Julian are both pretty straightforward and seem on the quieter side, and Chrissa straight up vanished already so we’ll see how that goes! Basically somebody thinks I’m their husband but I don’t know if I ever signed the prenup, but if it means JJ is gonna spill on how he feels about everyone then that’s some good insight. Nobody really wants to talk game yet but that’ll change soon!! Kk bye for now

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Night 1/Morning 2: Everyone on my tribe seems extremely cool and I'm loving the way the tribes are divided. The only name I recognized on the cast was Monty's and he's on my tribe! I don't know him personally but I think he first played around when I was hosting a season. I have hit it off with Johnny the best so far I think, and definitely Isabelle as well. I seem to have a lot in common with both of them on a personal level. Strategically, I haven't locked anything down yet. I don't want to come right out and blurt "ALLIANCE?" with anyone; for right now I'm just trying to play it cool, get to know people as well as I can, and be a likeable presence in the tribe so people just wanna have me around.

I just asked Collin to talk to Adam about forming a four person alliance, which Collin will "bring" me into while Adam suggests someone. This might secure me in a four person alliance which would be ideal, but if it backfires, it will backfire on Collin, not on me. I'm trying to get myself into a majority while insulating myself from being seen as the strategic threat

First confessional before first IC

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I was thrust on a good tribe we have JJ and Eric and hopefully this group of people won't make us last in competitions atleast lol maybe if we lose though hopefully i can argue why jack needs to go with his timezone but hopefully i don't have too.

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im ngl idk why i decided to play tumblr survivor again and the instant paranoia of just caring about my PLACEMENT is going to keep me up at night *shivers*

It's been a day in and so far I really like our tribe! I'm vibing with a few of them and it looks like there's been alliance formed between myself, Julian and JJ. JJ has said that he owes it to Chrissa not to vote her out if we lose, and I think he has something with Megan on the side based off what Julian has told me. That leaves Will and Jack, and I've talked with Will a ton. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and see if he wants to work with me too because I feel like to win this season, you will need to keep all your options open.

Day 2: I got to talk to Jack last night, he was talkin about how he did some funky fresh survivor statistics on how tribe swaps affect tribe line loyalties, which I found super interesting. Then I decided to share a statistics thingy I did on how the Final 3 format doesn't produce an even ratio of male / female winners, but the Final 2 format does, and how potentially something about the final 3 format in survivor could be a factor in why we haven't had enough female winners in the last few generations of survivor. But he didn't even believe there was a female bias in survivor.. which kinda threw me off. Oh well, we ended the conversation on a good note before I went to bed. Well, the tribe seems to be getting along well, I tried to get a tribe call going, but it ended up just being me and Megan helping Chrissa with strategies to get higher scores in the challenge. She can't seem to break 100, and I feel really bad for her, I hope the rest of us can carry this competition, because I would feel like the worst human being in the world if I gave someone first boot twice in a row. Not to mention I'd consider Chrissa a friend of mine. Maybe I'm playing this game a bit too emotionally, before we even have our first tribal. What a concept.. Will and I are only getting closer and closer, we continuously refer to each other, affectionately, as "Heather". But he really lied to me today, pretty hard core. He said he was gonna order his weight in mexican food when he got off work... but he ate Thai instead...? How dare he ??? Rude. Anyways, if he's lying about that, what else could he lie to me about? Smh. Fuckboys amirite? I think that if we lose this challenge, Jack would be an easy vote off. He's in a different timezone, and his age unfortunately would make it really difficult to have a decent social game. If we lose more than once, there's one of two things that could happen.. 1.) There's a standoff between Julian, Megan and I, trying to maneuver this tribe to remove each other. Which is exactly why a friendship / showmance / whatever with Will is so important. Will would likely be the swing vote they try to get, I don't see Chrissa voting me out if I prove my loyalty at the first tribal our tribe faces. 2.) The three of us dominate the premerge portion of the game, and it becomes an impossible to maneuver situation for me at the merge, because all the connections I have outside of my own tribe, both Julian or Megan also have a hand in, with the exception of Jay, who I don't find myself falling that closely to. I feel like I might be thinking too much, too fast. I guess I just can't show the rest of my tribe that. I'm hoping my reads on the tribe are at least somewhat correct this time around. :/

Collin never ended up messaging Adam, and I was worried about falling behind the 8-ball, so I took alliance building measures into my own hands. I messaged Zach about joining up by stating that Collin had told me he also had a good conversation with Zach, and I made sure Zach didn't just feel "brought in" by asking him which person he would want to be 4 in our alliance. He suggested Cameron, which is fine by me. He hasn't officially reached out to Cameron yet, but our plan is to bring Cameron in if we end up losing, and I will probably want to vote Kyle or Grace in that scenario. Hope we don't lose though!

I don't really (or at least usually) stress about challenges and definitely not this early in the game, but some of these people are so stressed and panicky. Will (who I talked to about aligning earlier today like I had said I would in my last confessional) is stressed about not being able to beat his current high score of 199 and feels like he's on the lower end and might be eliminated. I was telling him though that this isn't necessarily about your score, but your ranking. You can get 209 or 189 and still get the same ranking. Chrissa on the other hand is totally panicking. She has an admittedly low score of 89 which she forgot to screenshot which is really rough. She same flash games aren't her thing (and I believe her) but when I tried to calm her down and say there's lots of time to improve and that we can win this, she continued to panic. There's not much I can do for her. I'm not aligned with her right now and she's just really scared to get first boot, which I don't even think will happen. JJ feels obliged not to make her first boot should the scenario present itself, and I'm aligned with him and Julian. If anyone's going home right now, it's probably Jack unless he has connections I am unaware of. I would really like to win though because I love our beauty tribe xoxo

I managed to find the idol clue, and in telling my formed trio of Collin and Zach, Zach accidentally revealed that he had found it too. I don't think he intended to tell me, so now I am not sure if I fully trust him. I'll work with him for now, but he is going to be a big move player and I'll have to watch out for that

Forgive me father for i have sinned it's been a day since my last confession I've made some progress me and grace knowing each other well pregame means i have an instant ally coming in to help not be first.....or second out and me and Collin seem to be kinda working together I guess?? I hope not fully sure but I feel confident I'm not going if we go to tribal.

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hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

FUCK entanglement! FUCK IT IT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL hail santa that is all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBoZlL8ZWzY

Zach is playing super hard out in the open. That is good for me, he can make connections to help our alliance, and if there is ever a moment where our alliance gets exposed, he will probably be out in the forefront as a target. The flip side of that is that I might not be able to go to the end with him if he could be perceived as the leader of my alliance, so I'll need to see how the game develops

We came in second in the immunity challenge by ONE POINT. Thank the lord because our group seems very cohesive at the moment, and going to tribal would have put everyone into scramble mode. I've been bonding the closest over the first 4 days with Isabelle, and I am hoping it can lead to a strong game relationship. Right now, we seem to be very social with one another and we have gone as far as to say we wouldn't vote for one another, but I'm still sort of waiting for that defining confirmation (as much as you can get that in Survivor). After that, I'd say I've been pretty chatty with Johnny and Monty equally (but I think I have a slightly tighter personal bond so far with Johnny). Abrielle I talked to more so over the first couple of days but I would say between her, Jay and Madison those are the ones I've made the least connection with. They all seem like good people, just haven't had as much traction chatting with them. I don't want us to go to tribal for as long as we can help it, because for me the best case scenario heading into a swap would be if our tribe had the numbers advantage and some sort of tribe-wide unity going into it. I feel like that way I could be in a good spot but also not in the forefront of the tribe alliance (I'd hope that would sort of fall on Monty or Johnny maybe because of their Tumblr Survivor experience). For now though, just continuing to get to know everyone as best I can and try and make sure people want me around, and have me in their plans moving forward.

https://youtu.be/2ix-llpzUOQ

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https://youtu.be/bwCjV8my_Zc ok my mom walked in so i didn't get to finish my thought, but i guess the full thought is just: what the fuck? like i'm really gonna be watching this vid on repeat while y'all are just trolling us. this will end up in my nightmares. know that. also my paranoia is once again setting in. as i mentioned in previous confessional, i feel like ben and i have bonded the most, and we've both pointed it out to each other, but now i feel like he's pointing it out... almost too much? he's basically comparing our convos to his with the rest of the tribe and that they're much better (which i lowkey agree), but something feels fishy because again IM PARANOID. AM I BEING PLAYED?? like literally the scenario in my mind is that everyone's aligned except me and ben has been chosen as the bug to make me feel comfortable. okay yes im crazy. and it's only day 2 whew! im going to bed goodnight.

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ok now ive found a video about spectograms the channel has liked. this hunt is getting me anxious bc slowly but surely the amount of views on the immunity idol vid is increasing. AHHHH

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ok i found the spectogram and it literally spells out "SINK." (also this shit is scary so again, my nightmare comment holds.) so there are 5 other followers, which makes me know for sure that at least 5 other ppl have found this vid. also i have no idea what to do with the word. i assume that it'll come in handy eventually (maybe a password? send in a chat? comment on the vid? something?) and i really really hope im the only person to find this. i know that's unlikely tho.

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oh my god. oh my fucking god. the clue is at survivor-mesopotamia.tumblr.com/sink . im screaming. proud of myself. BUT of course it says... "clue Though you have found it, No clue has emerged. UNDER CONSTRUCTION, Come back when you’ve merged." i- i have to wait until i've merged. HA. we'll see if bitches get that far. and im bitches. anyways sorry for the spam, now back to your regularly scheduled programming

Day 3: I almost forgot to do this confessional. But here I am, in bed, watching Avatar, and drinking butterscotch milk with Irish cream, which is surprisingly good? Anyways, here we go! First, you’re telling me that we LOST the challenge.. what the hell :( I thought I did so well having 188, but apparently even 256 wasn’t going to cut it. The fact that if Jack could improve his score by 30 points, means we’d be safe from tribal, it annoys me that it felt like he didn’t try as hard as Chrissa in the flash game? Julian, he says we can beast through this game and make final three. This is something I’d really love to be able to trust that he has in mind, but I just am unsure at this moment. He gave me information towards the idol search that I appreciate, and probably wouldn’t have figured it out myself. That felt good, but I feel like he wasn’t giving me everything he knew, just enough to make me feel comfortable. I’ll have to continue to keep my eye on him.. Next, Heather, or Will, my potential showmance. We’ve finally got the opportunity to call each other, we talked about the idol search, and our potential moves in the future. He told me he likes the idea of not playing with Julian, but right after he told me this, Julian asked if we were good? Which was kinda sketch. But I’ll do my best to trust Will, and call it a weird coincidence. Megan hasn’t talked to me much today, but she was a room moderator for sequester, and was visiting a friend today, so I can’t blame her. Chrissa is hopefully safe, I can’t give her first boot in back to back games together, I refuse to be that heartless. She’s so good I can’t do it. Eric hasn’t talked to me much either. For someone who should probably know that his name is on the block, I’m surprised Jack isn’t talking too much to me? Maybe it’s because I’m on the chopping block and I don’t know it. I’d be really heartbroken if I were the first boot.

So we lost the challenge by ONE FREAKING POINT, which sucks ass. But not me doing the best in my tribe on the challenge. We stan improvement. Anyway, it looks like the discussion for the vote is between Jack and Chrissa, namely Jack. Though Chrissa performed worse in the challenge, she's done a better job connecting with the rest of us than Jack has. As of now, that's what the general concensus is. I talked to Julian and he agreed, and we are aligned with JJ. Chrissa would vote our way to make sure it isn't her. Another thing that's happening is the idol search. The video made literally no freaking sense, but when the channel liked this video about spectograms, Julian put the video into it and it spelled sink. It turned out that by putting the word sink into the blog link, it says a clue will be there but at the merge. I guess this means for now there will be no idols, so as long as the people im with are truthful, the person who is planned to go home at tribal will go home without a shadow of a doubt.

https://youtu.be/ury1fLaZQec

Right now everyone on the tribe is at peace and getting along, but we all know that’s gonna change when we go to tribal council.

I'm sad we lost the first challenge. I came back to do better than i did the first time, so the idea of being the first boot would suck. I'm not that close with Chrissa so 100% she's my vote. She has played more seasons than all of us & the second chancers deserve their time. Also, Chrissa did the worst out of us in the challenge so it makes it easier to convince everyone to vote for her, but i also dont want to be the one who targets her first because that could come back round to me, and i would hate that as i've waited over a year for a 2nd shot at this. At the moment i'm closest with JJ & Will F, they are 100% my final 3 right now. I like Megan & Eric as well. I've only had 1 comversation with Julian and we did get on well but we havent talked about anything since then. I've tried to talk to Chrissa but she's never really tried to talk to me.

Hi!! Megan for my first confessional!! Yall are gonna have to remind me throughout my time in this game to do these because I'm SO bad at remembering to do confessionals lmaooo. So this first round there's been a lot going on. There are three tribes- newbies, flops, and a tribe of vets who have played well. Clearly I am on the flop tribe, because I was a SAD pre-merge boot in Svalbard. I was feeling really excited about my tribe and definitely thought we could do well and at least not lose the first challenge - we don't want to be flops again!! But alas, after a long day of doing that stupid entanglement flash game, we have proven our labels and FLOPPED yet again, getting last. SO. now we have to go to tribal council tonight. I am out of town this weekend so I haven't been able to talk to many people but I hope I can make it through this first vote. All I've heard so far is that people want to keep the tribe strong so we don't lose another challenge, and based on the first challenge scores, the two bottom challenge players would be Chrissa and Jack. So far I have heard that people want to do Jack instead of Chrissa, which I am fine with. I haven't talked to him that much and I think the time zone difference unfortunately puts him at a disadvantage, so honestly, we should probably vote him out first. I am nervous of course though because people have been fairly quiet and that's never a good thing, but I am hoping and praying that nothing crazy happens and Jack is the first boot and all is good and fine with that. Okay now I'll talk a little about the players on the tribe and how I feel about them- Okay so obviously I know JJ and Julian fairly well from previous games & also being in various group chats together. So far we are planning on working together as a trio and I am GOOD with that so far. Chrissa I have played with once before but she's not very social or talkative, and tbh, I haven't had a DM with her in this game yet, but she seems sweet. Eric I like a lot, he is funny and outgoing and a little chaotic and I love that in him. I think I know him from something previously but quite honestly I don't remember him, but he remembers me LOL. I hope they're good memories. Jack, again, I haven't talked to him much because of the time difference I think. Also isn't he like a minor? Oof that's weird. Anyway onto the final member of my tribe - the king, the legend, the literal love of my life - WILL!!!! I had never met Will before this game but we vibed IMMEDIATELY. We get along so well and we have a lot of things in common and we like the same kinda things. We've had a lot of really good conversations already and I feel the closest to him in this game by far, even though I have known other people on my tribe longer. I adore Will and I will do everything in my power to make sure we both get as far in this game as we can. Okay I think that's enough for a first confessional, bye!!!

Things have been pleasant and slow so far. Everyone on the tribe seems nice and at this point I’m still just hoping that we’ll all get as far in the game as possible at the expense of the more experienced players. I’m a little concerned because I haven’t really been party to any strategy talk yet; I think that’s just because no one has thought it necessary while we don’t have to go to tribal, but I’m still worried I might just be on the outs and not know it.

I’m SCARED I’ve been out of the loop for TOO LONG.

from what I've heard i am safe i won't be comfortable until i heard the votes not being all me.

https://youtu.be/oX4-_QPoqNk

https://youtu.be/YviOufmjmps

My brand is having 4 minute confessionals

from episode 1 https://youtu.be/VqDkCGLTARU

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from episode 1 also https://youtu.be/mklfEHtGp04

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9UqNr3fbiE

Jack voted out 6-1

#nomorethings

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groundramon · 4 years ago

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Statement

I didnt want to write this but I’m too fucking tired to respond to anymore people who go into my ask box. I’ve already gotten 4. Leave me alone. Also I apologize for not censoring @ ‘s. Obviously, do not send hate to anyone. Because I, unlike Peri, do not endorse that. Your white knighting will not hurt Peri and it will not help me - it will just help Peri feel more justified. So seriously, to any of my friends/mutuals/followers reading this - do not.

DISCLAIMER: I knew peri back when he still used they/them pronouns. If I ever accidentally refer to him with those pronouns, please don’t hone in on that, but please DO tell me about my mistake so I can go and fix that. This is not an excuse, its still wrong of me to do and i apologize if I accidentally do it anywhere in this post - it is an explanation and an invitation to hold me accountable without using it to destroy the whole point of my post.

DISCLAIMER #2: there is a lot of nuances to our relationship that I will never be able to describe in text. Such as the fact that as little kids, Peri and our other friends were the ones who “corrupted” my sense of humor (not in a problematic way, I was just a really naive little kid). We always made jokes about me being the least mature out of the group despite being the oldest.

DISCLAIMER #3: Yes, I made mistakes. No, I did not put out a callout about Peri “just to start shit”. I have apologized for my mistakes and learned better, and would be happy to write another apology genuinely outlining what I did wrong if Peri didn’t lie about me at every given opportunity.

I never put a callout on Peri until now. Maybe once when this first happened, i told people to unfollow him...I genuinely cant remember. I know I added him to my carrd as DNI, but he did it first, and I did it in response to that. And I removed it long ago. He also mocked me for calling him my abuser after one of his friends block evaded me to tell me to fuck off, and I found out said friend did that because Peri had been calling me “a danger to minors”, a racist (Peri is white and kept making Hetalia jokes up to a few months before we stopped being friends even though literally I never did) and a lesbophobe (ok peri is a lesbian), and more important, accusing me of stalking. His definition of stalking was to check his twitter profile obsessively. I know he did this to me, because he mentioned one of my discourse threads about SPOP and misrepresented my argument (he said I called Catra abusive - I called Catradora toxic and clarified that Catra is not an abuser). I’m not here to debate the definition of stalking, but heres the thing - at that point, it had been...I think 3 months after we broke off? And I hadnt checked his twitter since a week after we broke up. Literally. I’m sure I have no way of proving that now, OVER A YEAR LATER, but it’s true. I have proof about the hetalia joke. It was literally just a joke about my piccrews looking like America. But considering years ago, Peri (and our shared abuser who I dont plan on discussing very much publicly for obvious reasons) were the ones who got me into Hetalia, it hits a very sore spot with me to call me a racist right alongside our shared abuser who would go by japanese names for the ~aesthetic~. And thats the thing throughout all of this - did I do wrong by Peri? Absolutely, and I’m not going to remember everything flawlessly either. I’m not a flawless person and we were friends for like 7 years. But Peri is acting like he’s never done anything wrong in his life.

He also has a pattern of doing this - he accused me and his ex-friend Rainy (me and Rainy are friends) of making fun of our abuser’s art constantly and probably now making fun of Peri’s art constantly (we did make fun of the abuser’s art, but tbh it was gallows humor, and still not something I’m proud of. I have literally never made fun of Peri’s art. In fact, it makes me feel awful that I have a pit in my stomach whenever I see it, because I always enjoyed Peri’s unique art style up until the day we split.) He’s hurt so, SO many other people too. I can think of 13 just off the top of my head. The person who block evaded me to yell at me about something I literally never did? Literally went through the same shit me and Rainy did. Most of these people are not going to like me, and yet I could probably ask for their testimony and it would match my experience very closely, except the key difference being Peri gave up on them already.

Peri talked about me THREE TIMES in the last week (I believe - I didnt check dates and i literally found peri’s account accidentally while going through chicken smoothie. yes, it was my choice to scroll down and look for my name, but i was like, the second post on his tumblr and i was just trying to see if the posts were recent or old bc i thought he was inactive on here.

Here are all of the posts in case he deletes them - sorry I dont have timestamps, he went private so I cant get evidence, obviously.

Admittedly, the last one is pretty understandable, I feel the same way going through my old shit and seeing Peri’s posts/art/etc. But two times after that? But no I’m the one for starting shit, even though I can disprove both of this posts.

For that first post:

1. I didn’t debate shit, I asked a question because I saw a bi woman bring up a good point about why bi women shouldn’t be allowed to use butch/femme. Admittedly, asking your closest (not only! just closest) lesbian friend about all lesbian issues is kind of a dick move, but I was just trying to figure out how to argue against that point so I could support my lesbian friends. Now I realize that it’s wrong of me to bother getting involved on either side and I should just support my lesbian friends and their voices instead of getting directly involved. Yes, I was wrong, but i did not argue with a lesbian about whether or not butch/femme can be used by nonlesbians, I was ASKING A QUESTION.

2. I was trying to be a supportive friend. He was crushing on Rainy - who was identifying as a gay (trans) man at the time by the way, but I only ever see Peri use this as evidence for me being lesbophobic, not homophobic and transphobic. Gee I wonder why? Oh right, it’s because Peri hates Rainy and doesn’t care. Anyways, yes, it was wrong of me. At the time I didn’t understand a lot about comphet so I was just trying to be supportive. I do think I expressed relief when Peri said he and Rainy had broken up and realized their feelings were platonic, as i was confused about the whole situation. I was trying not to gatekeep Peri from his own damn community, because I’m not going to tell him his feelings are invalid when I’m not a lesbian. You cant get mad at me for policing lesbian labels, and then not policing lesbian labels enough- what?? I don’t think I did anything wrong per say in this situation because I was telling white lies to be a good friend but I do know better now and try to emphasize that “and if you find out its comphet and you’re still a lesbian then thats totally valid!!!” and in fact I even think I did that at the time??

Both of these instances (I believe) are buried on an old server that I no longer have access to. It’s possible they still exist. But I didn’t think this thing with Peri would last well over a year later so I didn’t bother documenting any of it. If peri has the screenshots, I would love to see it. This is not sarcasm, I genuinely want to be informed what I did wrong. I have a lot of great friends now and I would hate to hurt them by repeating mistakes I don’t even remember making. I can’t learn if I’m not informed. Once again, this is not sarcasm, irony, or passive aggressive. This is genuine. All I ever asked from Peri was to talk to me.

These are the last messages we exchanged before Peri’s goodbye message. This is what our relationship was like. And do NOT fucking tell me “Peri is clearly uncomfortable” - I’m autistic, Peri is neurodivergent, I do NOT read into subtext. I have an anxiety disorder and will literally never be able to function if I read into everything as passive aggressive. My autism does not excuse abusive behavior - but if you do not tell me about this behavior, which Peri never did, I can never get better. I do not read that “im fine” as a silent plead for me to leave him alone when he literally was always talking about how annoyed he was by people overanalyzing his responses, seeing hostility where there was none, and he specifically said not to read into short replies as anything personal. He said he had compassion fatigue. Which is why I left him be until I had no choice.

The last vent I mentioned said “Shitty friends, shitty friends” on his private twitter. I was worried it was about me and Rainy, because I figured if it wasnt, he would’ve told us who it was about. And he never did. So I’m pretty sure it was about us. After disappearing for the day and making me and Rainy worried that he was suicidal, he sent us this goodbye message in our mutual server (which the only reason i have this is because i sent it to another friend because i didnt know how to feel and needed guidance)

This goodbye letter, despite seeming nice on the surface, blamed the trauma that me and Rainy faced as well as our particular interests for Peri leaving us. One of my boundaries in our friendship was to tell me if anything was wrong so I could improve it and be a better person, and Peri broke that trust. He was absolutely a shitty friend in that regard. But just this goodbye letter I would’ve bought despite being disappointed...if he hadn’t called us shitty before.

By the way, at the time, the only thing I could think this would be about was not trusting Peri’s gut about some randos. Rainy and I wanted to give those people a fair shot, and Peri accused us of not trusting him because of it. You do not get to dictate who your friends do and dont hang out with, and you dont get to guilt trip them for hanging out with someone who has literally done nothing to you except act a little bit too much like our shared abuser Moony, wtf?

Peri also accused me of saying he and Moony were the same, when I did no such thing. Rainy did! And I immediately chastized Rainy for it, clarifying that I thought they were two different beasts entirely.

I forgot what I was talking about uhhh. Oh yeah!

I’m not the one still talking about you over a year later. I’ve moved on. Remove me from your DNFI. I didn’t remove you from mine because I realized I was the abuser and you were the victim - I removed you because I’m fucking done with this situation. I only brought it up with your friend because you LITERALLY BLAMED MY INTERESTS AT THE TIME IN YOUR FAKE-ASS APOLOGY. And what were me and Rainy talking about a bunch at the time? Digimon!! Aka the person who I talked to’s special interest! I told them I would fuck off if they asked and I encouraged them to talk to you about it and have a genuine conversation. Because I, unlike you, am a good person who lets people come to their own conclusions.

Also, you were 2 weeks away from being 16, and I was a few months into being 18. Here are some of our conversations about becoming QPPs!

Should I have entered a QPR with my 7+ year friend who literally shaped me into who I am today when they were almost 16 and I was already several months into being 18? Probably not! But adulthood isn’t just some switch that goes off, and I was a dumbass. Peri’s current GF is apparently being accused of being a predator, or something, according to one of Peri’s other posts? I dont know whats happening because im not! a fucking! stalker! but Peri of all people should know what it’s like to have a small age gap blown into something bigger than it is. Peri and I’s relationship didn’t change a whole lot after becoming QPPs - we were still close friends. But after literally growing up with Peri, I didn’t realize that I needed to enact healthy boundaries with someone so young when they were the one who used to “troll” me when we were kids (AKA pretend to be mad at me or pretend to be someone else and then say “haha just kidding!” just to cause problems).

Peri has clearly built me up to be some kind of villain in his head. And that’s fine, I really don’t care. I go months without thinking of Peri, and he’s just a bad memory whenever I do think of him - well until I found out he’s calling me a pedophile and accusing me of making callouts that I never did and generally has been a pot calling the white marble countertop grey for the past year or so. But I dont care. I DONT CARE.

But if you want me to stop warning people about you, its simple. Stop spreading lies about me. Take my name out of your public vocabulary. Take me and Rainy off your DNFI. I do not think about you, I do not talk to people about you very often, most of my current friends didn’t know the things you did until today because I had no reason to tell them.

For anyone uninitiated - all you need to know is that this person’s tumblr title is “an aphobic [reclaimable slur]” and so by admission they like to harass other minorities for fun. Seriously, you don’t have to be an ace inclusionist or even believe aphobia is real to just be a nice person, what the fuck? This post in particular is extremely telling.

Also they retweeted a post from someone with the username “panphobe” so.

Just a few notes. Hope the asexual who stans a literal stated aphobe gets tired of licking that boot soon. And Peri too. Your obsession with me is more unhealthy to you than it is to me. Just...drop it. I will only add to this if more accusations are thrown my way. I am done with you. You have a repeated behavior of this shit, and I want to add more things but they’re heresay from other people so I don’t feel comfortable adding them. But yeah. Stop hurting people. Stop bullying people and being angry and aggressive for fun. You’re not as cute as you think you are. There’s a reason this shit keeps happening to you. Get better soon.

As for me, I think I’ll spend the next three months going back to forgetting you exist. I liked it there. But you can keep thinking I’m stalking you if you’d like. I have all the proof and evidence I need that you’re a fucking liar right here. And most of your tweets accusing me of shit are deleted too. Now leave me the fuck alone.

PS, even if aroaces arent oppressed, sending them hate messages based on something they cant control is really shitty :) its not like we’re still a minority group or anything! I’m also literally trans, so you’re proving the fact that the bad exclusionists always target other LGBTs who happen to be aspec for their harassment :) but keep it going keep it going, every spiteful message sent to me specifically because im aspec and part of the LGBT community just fuels my agenda.

#stormy speaks #vent #peri #now leave me ALONE

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survivorreelsmagicwithin · 4 years ago

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Episode 2 - “Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk” - Joshua (through Autumn)

I hate flag-making challenges. I will not be helpful at all, and I hope that someone else can take the reigns and lead us to victory. I honestly feel safe going into a tribal council, but I do not want to test that theory.

Next morning

With Chips and Jules working on the crest designs, I feel confident that we will do well in the challenge. Maybe not the best, but definitely not the worst. I still have the same anxious feeling that my tribe is not active enough for my taste, but I will just have to live with it for now. Besides, at least this is not immunity because that we increase my anxiety by so much. But, I keep forgetting to search the idol hunt which is my bad, but it is just so hard and long that I do not really feel like searching all the time lol

ART CHALLENGE <333 i love these challenges. Jess made my picture 110% better and its super cute. The note that she wrote with it is also hella cute and I love the whole HP aesthetics bc i never got to go to real hogwarts ;-; but i'm sure most of yall can related. The boys weren't too helpful but nick was better than jacob who is sick. Nick was way more active aka jacob said 3 sentences the entire challenge sooooo…. if we lose idk I might just save jacob anyways bc pregame relations.

Won reward, but now we have to win immunity again. I really hope that this reward helps us continue to survive. I don't want to have to vote anyone out. We've been getting first, but I really just want to survive this challenge, its known to be hard.

I think I have been stuck with the second most challenge inept tribe in the history of my ORG career. I literally said so many answers in my version of the story and Jules just fucked it up. And then they got the girl's name wrong. And then they started mixing up characters. I know I did well, but fuck these people. God. Now we need a tribe to get 0 which is very unlikely. I will just resign myself to tribal. I hope and pray that these people have some common sense and do not want to vote me out

Listen. Listen. Listen. I dang knew this story was going to be Harry Potter based. I knew in my brain and in my heart that I shouldn’t have been the one to start that thing. What do I do? Start the dang thing. Oh well. We did alright. I would be shocked if we won tho but if we don’t I’ll be relieved. I def don’t feel confident enough but I really had a lot of fun with my tribe. I really miss this and really hope that my time isn’t cut short! I feel really good about my tribe mates sincerely. And that’s kind of scary! I would hate to see any of us to go and how it’s going to affect the bond we have if we vote someone out. In this moment with Max sitting out, it may be him who goes if we go to tribal. I hope that isn’t the case. I’ve got my fingers crossed for us. Huff Puff strong!

Honestly Jules dropped the ball sis!! But it’s okay, I love her. She’s really nice and I know she tried her best. Plus she’s in an alliance with me and Owen, so we should have the numbers against Joanna or Miguel if we go to tribal. Personally, I’d prefer Joanna to go. She’s kinda domineering, but she’s also an asset in challenges thus far. She is organized and direct. I’ve also talked to her a bit more than Miguel, so I guess I don’t really care who goes.

I’m happy I didn’t fuck up the reward comp and the shit that I drew got us a win!

I really hope I don't bomb that challenge, I answered everything that Kevin talked to me about.... I think! The rest of them tried very hard but I am SOOO glad that I asked to do my part at the end because my memory of repeating things is horrendous but I'm usually pretty good at bullshitting test answers... too bad I got some of the multiple choice stuff wrong.

I think that if we do lose I am still in a good spot on this tribe and hopefully I won't be in danger. I feel like I'm on everyone's good side and Max kind of just disappeared so maybe we could just vote him out this round? Idk.

Hopefully we don't have to worry about it. I smell a swap coming up pretty soon and I just hope I'm either with Owen or with some of the people from my tribe. I have no idea if they know anyone or are close with anyone in the other houses.

I'm still feeling the closest to Lily and Kevin but I have been talking to Landen a good bit too these days so hopefully we'll be safe or we can all just agree on Max.

16 minutes later

OOOOOH IS LANDEN PAVING THE WAY FOR A MOVE TO SEND MAX PACKING???

He just told me that me, lily and kevin are precious angels that must be protected and that he likes Max when he's around too so that sounds like something... HMMM...

I can't get cocky, I always go home when I get cocky. But I like this.

my host chat saw this first (shout-out to Drewie and Dennis): Y’all I’m an idiot. I thought I only knew 2 people in this game (Owen and chips). Then I remembered I also know Jess, Autumn, and dan. Literally love and respect each of you my brain just don’t got the strongest memory no more. I’m so sorry!!!! I literally just told landen I only know 2 ppl. I’m just gonna try to not remember it happened.

Ugh.....I need to get it together.

I love my tribe talking to each other now that we have to!! Everyday I'm like damn either I'm on the bottom or I'm not the only one with piss poor social game. Ok so... the moment the hosts said we got 1 point, I started getting ready for tribal lmaaaooo. No sense crying over it either because all the tribes basically just had to show up in order to beat that

Like how could we not go to tribal with a score of ONE? That shit's embarrassing hahaha. That's like when your teacher passes the test back to everyone sitting around you but not you so you KNOW it's bad. But you know what? It's all good cause I'd rather us take the L now and get it out the way and we can all laugh about it cause losing won't be funny after long. The real question is: will Gryffindor do this the easy way or the hard way caaauusse we all know who the weakest link is. I just wanna see if someone puts two and two together without my prodding. Chips already said we voting together right and I'm like yes sir. There's no better place than being on the same page

WE WON OMG!! Jules basically gave me nothing, which is fine, i understand, but i'm so impressed that we pulled that off. Absolutely killing these reward challenges really helps!

"Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk."

Tonight we learned Joshua is a feminist selfless man that I stan because he's volunteering to go home without me having to put his name out, which I was going to do. Like imagine if every guy had that kind of self-awareness, to recognize why he should be the vote and then embrace it instead of wreaking havoc. And wanting to see others succeed more than yourself? King shit! He knew when to hang it up and did just that. Like the number of times I've seen a vote get complicated for no fucking reason because everyone wants a fight to the death. Enough- I'm old, tired, and cannot exert too much energy at once. We got a long game ahead of us, not to mention quarantine. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you Joshua. We need more players like you and I appreciate your service

im back back BACK AGAIN with another confessional! not much has changed but a few updates for the sake of these being required :) 1. max has become even more inactive, he's not reached out to me personally since the first day and any time i messaged him after that he's sent me nothing back that i can build a convo off of, so we just have stopped speaking. Luckily this challenge only required four people and everyone else SHOWED UP!! or at least spoke about their availability, while he did not. However in his defense he said he was having some issues at home and i feel for him but his inability to connect has been an issue before he spoke about anything in our tribe chat with us. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but this point my relationships with the other 3 are leaps and bounds ahead of where I am at with Max. Maybe he can pick up some speed if we continue winning challenges but, it's not looking too hot. SPEAKING OF CHALLENGES, well first we lost reward AGAIN, but we won immunity.. AGAIN! thank goodness for not being first or second boot, i always love being able to avoid these early tribals and if i can get to a swap without seeing one that would be ideal, but also if we do go and maybe vote out max? wouldn't be the worst thing. Moral of the story we won and thats exciting! however.. if we didn't.. the first big push of strategic talk came up with landen when he hinted at being frustrated with max's lack of presence which I also share. I do believe if we lost me and landen could have most definitely picked up ruthie and lily to form a four against him, if he even came to tribal. That would be my ideal situation and if we continue on this tribes hopefully it gives me a nice cushion to fall on if we do lose so i dont have to entirely blow up my social game within the first few rounds by voting out someone i've built a connection with. If max can go and the remaining four hufflepuffs can make a swap I would feel good about that, and maybe in the right circumstances we could work together on the swapped tribes because i genuinely like all of these people (yes max too but in this specific scenario he wouldn't be included bc... well..) anyways to close this off i still absolutely ADORE lily, she is fun and our conversations are really good, and same goes for ruthie, hopefully i dont have to see either of them or myself go home before we can really start playing because i think we could do some damage. :) ok anyways this was longer than i thought it would be goodbye

I'm still not over the fact that I was able to answer 7 of those questions right. I have the memory of a plastic fork. I also love that we are SAFE!

I do kind of hope things get spicy and we swap this round and become two tribes of 9. That'd be cute. I don't want VI to get bored and crack on me. BUT ALSO I think I have solid enough relationships with almost everyone on this tribe... so who knows?!

Also... these hoes really out here trying to search for an idol in PUBLIC. IN PUBLIC. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?

Dear diary, seems like we keep winning challenges, which is great but tbh i feel like every time i give a disadvantage to my team because english is not my first Language, and so far its been a vocabulary test and a listening and speaking test. I mean I knew I signed up for school but damn. Give me some macarena or drinking tequila challenge and I'll crush it

bippity boppity boo im back again with almost no content kdfasjhdskjfh

Ravenclaw working smarter and we keep winning, period!!! Thankful that y'all put Dan and I together....bc truly we will be unstoppable in these competitions. I kind of want to lose soon though to see how things would shake out, but I don't really have bad blood with anyone. Joanna seems passionate enough in the tribe chat and the challenges, even if she's dry in PMs. Miguel still won't give me anything other than a "how are you," but I hope the best for him in life lol

Still love Jules and Dan, and we made a three person alliance, but I haven't talked with either of them much one on one since it happened.... I really need to step the social game up eventually, but right now, I'm coasting, and maybe that's what I need before I find the time and resources in this game to strike!!

The idol hunt is hard but Dan seems onto something. Honestly he's gonna be a big threat sooner or later so he's sticking around as long as I can keep him! The last two games I've been in I've seen "goats" get dragged to the end and locked in final 3 positions, and then these perceived goats have ended up winning. so I want the big players in this game to rise to the top and fight it out in the end!

let’s say i am como we dice.. fed up with a lot :flushed: a lot meaning joshua starting to get on my nerves a bit! he’s genuinely sweet n all but.. the way he complained about us losing by putting down others work HHH pissed me off. which is why i will be voting him out hehe.. but so far my misting has worked because no one wants to vote me out! mwah

Slytherin killed the memory challenge. We thought we were all gonna flop bc all of us thought we sucked at memory stuff. um well we knocked it out of the park? Ravenclaw got 4 and huff/gryff got 1. We got 7 so oops. I do hope things turn out well for Gryffindor but no one I really know/care about is in that house so I'm not too worried. I hope they continue to lose or even hufflepuff since ravenclaw has 2 of my friends in it.

I have been TERRIBLE with confessionals but only because there's really not been much going on? I have an alliance with Dan and Owen, and even though I wrote off Joanna I was DEFINITELY wrong in doing that. Miguel is sort of the outlier. Our team is kinda iconic though? We've done so well on all the challenges. I might be the weakest link? More to come.

it's pretty sad but the whole tribe has agreed to vote max if we lose, basically he's just never around because of what's going on at home and like thats sad but... we gotta do what we gotta do *shrug*. I'm really feeling good about Hufflepuff moving forward, i've never bonded this much this easily with EVERYONE on a tribe and i just feel like if we keep winning or even if we lose and have to vote out max, we could be a great group for the future. especially i feel great about working with kevin, we dominated eve's game after eve came between us in 2020 that dastardly witch... :P (juuust kiddin. love ya!) but now we could totally do well in this game too i think.....

lily and ruthie are just so sweet and we really bond talking about pretty much anything,, especially lily is a great conversationalist and i just find it so natural to talk to them both. i'd love to work with any combination of people from hufflepuff in the future, hopefully i start sucking a little less at all these challenges. i think i did pretty great on memory :D

So here is the summary of what has happened since last time

We had a reward challenge that was drawing. Mine sucked. Apparently 3/4 so no reward.

We played Telephone. My team didnt realize that details are the most important parts of that and didnt share then with Autumn so Autumn didnt share them with me. Then I didnt know them when asked about them.

We scored 1 point and lost. Since I still have no alliance I'm scared that it could be me. So I kind of got an idea how everyone was feeling.

Juls let me know she wanted to vote Joshua and- it's not me so that's fine!

Then I was talking to Autumn about it and - OOP! Josh asked to be voted out. So unless he plays an idol I'm supposing he is leaving after asking to go.

woo my tribe won immunity!! we are safe! i’m glad bc i’m forming good relationships with ppl on my tribe. i think we all get along rly well so i hope we keep winning. the challenge was fun and i slayed bc i’m skinny mwah

Ya know what’s refreshing? Being on a tribe that actually wins!!! The last three games I’ve played I’ve been on flop ass starting tribes.

Now we’ll lose every challenge

10 minutes later

This sickening bitch just found a hidden immunity idol!!!! Good until f6 L A D I E S!!!!!!

HI BARBS SO I WAS GROUNDED SO I MISSED THE CHALLENGE BUT MY HUFFLEPUFF BABS SLAYED SM SO IM LIVING

CONFESSIONAL 2.1 —

Not much strategy has happened this episode, just simply tribal bonding! We are SlytherWINNING, getting reward and immunity this time! How wonderful.

Regarding my tribe mates, I love all three. I pray, pray, pray we make swap, i do Noh want to be a dirty bad guy and have to vote one out.. yet. Haha.

I was drunk during immunity, one full glass of rum & coke, so I am shocked that we won immunity. Honestly, I feel silly admitting I was drunk to my tribe because... if I can do that when drunk, imagine if I was sober. Competition Beast, duh.

I also gave up my run this round for the tribe to use. Was partially social, partially I just do not understand how to do the Hunt, so I might as well help the greater good. Either way, it comes off positively.

Hoping for a smooth journey for a little longer!

x nick

Joshue has basically quit at this point so I have no fear going into tribal

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survivesalem · 4 years ago

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Episode 3 - “This music video is kinda hot to be quite honest.” - Raffy

I think this may be the end of me. The worst possible thing has happened. We are tribe swapping....I'm the only member of my tribe over here.....its a 5-1-1......oof Can I get an F in chat? Here's to good luck and hope that there is fracture within the 5.

I am kind of glad to be swapped because it means that I am no longer stuck with a losing tribe. But, it seems no one knows how to edit which just sucks because that will surely mean we will lose the challenge. On the plus side, I have Mac and Jay with me. Our alliance will be stronger than ever! However, Mac let slip earlier that he knows a lot more people than he lets on which means I will allow him to choose the target if we go to tribal council as I don't need to accidentally target someone he's friends with. I feel that I can make stronger connections on my current tribe way more easily than with my old tribe.

Ben and Evelyn went. Inacts. Bye. Now it’s swap. I’m down the street when I see the “Announcement” pop up and I’m like AHH SHIT. I look at the tribes.....I wouldn’t say I’m in danger but the division is literally 3-3-1. Jessie as the swing vote. I need to work my ass off or flip to get myself safe. Oof I’m worried. Butttttt MUSIC VIDEO CHALLENGE TIMEEEEE. I was away when people discussed the songs, and it’s literally some random song I’ve never heard of. I’d love to bitch and complain but also not, so I’ll just sell this fucking performance xoxo

So we get tribe swapped and I’m the only og tituba still on the tribe . Gonna list my thoughts on my new tribe members Raft - seems okay we played a game in the past we’re he got out early . Picked the music video song seems to be a take charge personality . Jay : haven’t spoken much don’t vibe yet . Seems very silent Jessie: wow Jessie, it’s finally your challenge please snap or you’ll probably be yeeted off the tribe Lukas: haven’t spoken . Don’t think he’s gonna reach out first so it’s gonna have to be me . Keegan/Harley: played atomic didn’t work together we said we are gonna work together this time so hopefully it happens Mac/ Oak tree man: THIS IS THE MAN I SENT PICTURES OF TREES TO IN ATOMIC. He passes my vibe check . Brien: I’ve actually met him and he seems genuinely hyped that we get to play together . Don’t think he’s voting me off soon Rn my biggest concerns on the tribe are Jay and Lukas due to lack of communication. I’m sure they already have connections most people tend to . Anyways yeah I’m just hoping we win this music video challenge because honestly I love our tribes ideas. Spooky spooky witchy witchy

Despite being hesitant about editing, I think I am actually doing a pretty good job at this! This is probably going to be the best music video I've ever put together. Brien was talking to me earlier about how he thinks this tribe isn't going to be based on tribal lines. That the game would be more dynamic if we play without it. But, here's the thing, I don't believe that. I think we need to get rid of an original Good member since one of those people will come back if we go to tribal. Plus he wanted to get info out of me already on my old tribe like.... we're not that close bro. At least not yet.

My dumbass not submitting any confessionals before episode 3. Gotta love that INV1 rating! So, lots has happened. Gizmo and Cameron are sneaky sneaks who have been playing all sides and just being chaotic little shits. Our tribe had multiple alliances by like day 2, even before the first challenge results. Slow down there! We ended up coming in second in a challenge but since 2/3 tribes we’re going To tribal we still had to go. Eve was voted out 4-1-1 against Cameron and ME! How dare they?? I think it was Eve who voted me but whatever. And then we swapped into two tribes! And this is basically Nova Scotia 2.0. We’ve got me and Mac and Jessie! We’ll see if that goes anywhere if we lose a challenge. (This rounds is music videos 🤮) So anyways Brien, Lukas and I are sticking together for a bit based on OG tribes, and I’ll see if I can’t get Jessie or Jay (who I just voted out of Atomic oop) to work with us. But that leaves Mac and Raffy in the outs? Who I both enjoy a lot. So, we’ll see what happens. I don’t see myself being a target right away but you never know.

Well, I did not like this challenge at all. I'm a pretty shy person so this was really out of my comfort zone. Unfortunately I wasn't able to film a whole lot due to having to travel this weekend, but! I still at least got something in to show I tried. I may have figured a way to get myself into majority which I really need. I just hope we can get it all sorted out today.

This music video is kinda hot to be quite honest. I think we're going to win, unless they have some editing god on the other side. I would be so disappointed in myself if we lost cause I'm just an amateur. However, I believe that people have appreciated my efforts as editor, so I will most likely survive this round. I just need to protect Jay and Mac. I hope they have started being social with everyone. On this tribe, I want to work with Jessie because she's in the middle of the tribe line split. I have not told Jay or Mac this because I want to keep my cards as close to my chest as possible in the pre-merge. I do not even know if I even want to work with anyone in the long term. In any case, I am hoping to target either Lukas or Brien. I have talked to Lukas the least which is problematic, and Brien is always on game mode seemingly. He's been talking strategy despite not even going to tribal. That's a potential threat. However, I am going to let other people take the lead for this vote. I just want to focus on socially and strategically positioning myself with people that like me.

so uhhh....we’re doing my least favorite challenge. Music videos are the bane of my existence. I always end up editing and I refuse to do it now. Paolo is supposed to be our editor, but he has gone AWOL. I mean...I could offer to edit, but like.....why not let Paolo lose the challenge for us and then vote him out? Seems like an easy option to me. 🤷🏼‍♂️

The swap Tituba tribe are safe. HOT. Now. I’m super happy since this is the first time this season I’m immune. I can’t talk game with Liam and I hate this. But omg I need Alex safe. I also need Liam safe. Hopefully someone flops and they can leave. If my tribe lost, I’m pretty sure I would’ve had the numbers to send Keegan home. I make Brien seem like he’s in control of the vote while working with Jay and Raffy for a 4-3 vote or a 5-2 vote. That difference would be if Jessie was on my side or not.

we lost. i’m excited to start the game and go to tribal. idk what i plan to do yet, but I have ideas about who I want to work with.

Sad days. It's my first tribal of the season in the post tribe swap, and I'm not really sure where I've ended up on the tribe. I haven't spoken a word to Alex, and I voted Zach out in a prior game, so I don't know if he'll hold that against me. I like Austin, Gizmo, and Dylan, but we've never had a chance to talk game or work together yet. I'm also nervous that people will target me since I did such a bad job at editing compared to the other team, but who knows. It's gonna be a free for all on my end.

The other tribe, Osbourne, is going to tribal. In our tribe, it’s a 3-3-1 split. On the other tribe, it’s a 5-1-1 split. The 1 person also has the 5 from the other tribe, making all six. That’s worrying. If one of those 5 don’t go home then we may have to throw a challenge or two and make sure the 1 leaves. The only issue, that 1 is Jessie, and I really like them as a person. My new tribe has 3 OG Good; Keegan, Lukas, Brien, as well as 3 Osbourne; myself, Jay and Raffy. Brien is the outlier with Lukas and Keegan being close. Brien fed me useful info of Gizmo being new and close to Lukas and Keegan. On my personal hitlist; is Lukas, Keegan and Austin. I don’t trust those 3 out of the people left in the cast, even despite me and Austin never interacting yet. Austin is sweet but their style gameplay is a lil cutthroat. Pretty much what I’m saying is whoever goes from the opposing tribe is who I target in this tribe when we go to tribal. Either Jessie, or the Keegan/Lukas duo. Anyways, stream Sour Candy by Lady Gaga ft BLACKPINK.

Keegan definitely voted for Cameron bc he was scared of an idol I’m fairly certain of it but I understand why he did so I’m not mad at him and I think I trust him on this new tribe more then Lukas. But I fear they are a duo and I wanna talk to Jessie and tell her my fears so she knows she can trust me and maybe me her and Keegan can be a group. I wanna work with Jessie bc I know her pregame and met her irl but the only problem is her original tribe has not lost a member and if we don’t vote her out here then the other tribe might stick together and get Alex and Gizmo out before turning on eachother then we could have all of them at a merge which would not be ideal. So I gotta weigh if keeping Jessie as an ally is worth that happening. I had a good convo with Mac Idk where will stand on this new tribe but I wanna work with him bc I think he will always be perceived as more threatening then me. He even bought up the idea of a tengagers alliance with everyone in the game that has a tengaged which is me him Liam Alex and Cameron we will see if all of us are still around come merge time but I’m excited to maybe make that reality once we merge. We both kinda agreed Austin is shady. Keegan Mac and Jessie all just played atomic together which worries me that they will want to stick together on this tribe but I definitely want to work with Mac and I need to make sure he knows it. Atm the person I’m least closest to on my tribe is Jay so if we lose I’d want to try to make a move on him possibly. I wanna work with raffy but he sketches me out in our pms and isn’t willing to give me any info. I fear Keegan and Lukas are too close and I’m a 3rd wheel for them I wanna see if I can enlist macs help to take one of them out maybe Lukas because he talks to me less then Keegan does

I can't believe that I won a music video challenge with my editing skills. I am so proud of that video! I am going to take the time that we are immune to bond more with my tribe. I think I have gotten the best vibes from Keegan and Jessie. Brien is middling. Lukas and I don't really connect that well. I think I am still good with Jay and Mac, so there's no worry on that front. Now that I edited my tribe to victory, they will all probably like me and want to work with me a lot more. There's the benefit of volunteering as editor hehe.

So right now I would definitely consider Mac my number one ally and I wanna keep that lowkey so no one sees us as a duo he suggested throwing the next 2 challenges to get a mix of Jessie, Keegan and Lukas out which is interesting and throwing challenges rarely works but I love going to tribal so Im not gonna say no to it. Plus if it helps gizmo stay in the game on the other tribe longer that’s good. I really like him and want to see him make the merge and then maybe we can work together at the merge Mac really seems to think merge will be at 12 and I’m not too sold on that we could have a swap or not merge at 12 So the way this tribe is it’s me and mad together and he is playing Raffy and jay and I’m playing Lukas and Keegan and idk where Jessie figures into all this but I feel bad that she may have to go simply for numbers sake if one of her original tribe doesn’t go at this tribal. I’m trying my best to be social with everyone and I think I’m a good spot to not go if we go to 2 or even 3 tribals in this tribe that’s another reason I’m not opposed to throwing the challenges. I don’t see a reason jay would trust Keegan after he voted him out in atomic so we may be able to get a 5 person majority against Keegan and Lukas who I made sure Mac knew they were right. Or if we have to we can maybe get a unanimous vote against Jessie. Mac and I made all these grand plans to make the end game and have specific numbers come merge but things never work out the way you plan them so I need to have a plans b through z at the ready and I don’t wanna put all my eggs in the Mac train atm even though I think I convinced him to trust me and he can until I feel I can’t beat him or he is more loyal to someone else *cough cough* Liam they are both hosts together on tengaged I played their game so they are close but mac is certainly trying to downplay it I need Keegan and Lukas to trust me until it’s too late for them. Will I have some remorse going for my original tribe ehh not really in games if I see I better route or a better opportunity I’m gonna take it. I think I’m the real swing vote when we have to go to tribal especially if Keegan really thinks he can get Jessie on our side. So that puts me in an interesting spot a spot where I could be loyal to my OG tribe or I could make a move a change the direction of my game for the better. It’s weird bc I’ll have enemies after I make my choice but I need to make sure the allies I make won’t turn on me after I side with them. Idk the choice I’m gonna make yet I need to weigh out the pros and cons and decide accordingly but one thing is for sure I’ll be in charge at the next vote

Well, we lost the music video challenge. Can't say I'm surprised, we took forever to get it together. There isn't as much activity on this tribe as far as I can see at least. I really want to survive this tribal. I think I've gotten myself into a good position. I'm in a 4 person alliance which is majority, but who knows if they're being honest. I'm currently trying to get in with the three other tribe members. If i can position myself as the swing vote I think that would be good for me at least for this vote.

Flirting with Brien is fun. Maybe that'll bring us closer and he'll be my goat hehe. But who can never be sure

Jay brought up in the alliance chat what we are going to do if we have to go to tribal in the future. He's just trying to get out there who would be receptive of working with us (me, Mac, and him). Jay says that he's talked the most with Brien and Lukas. That is strange because I barely talk to Lukas. I probably should get on that. I said I talked the most with Brien and Jessie. I really want to sell them on Jessie so that we can make her work with us which will help us gain a majority on this tribe without stepping on tribal lines. Mac has yet to wake up, so I'm waiting to see what he thinks. It sounds like our alliance might want to work with Brien eventually, but we shall see. I am very hesitant to even mention working with anyone because I do not want to step on toes so early on. Maybe I should try to keep my mouth shut on game talk and work on being social for the time being.

Mac is spilling the hot tea today. He wants to throw the next immunity challenge to take out either Keegan or Lukas. I am in love with this idea as it puts the target on Mac instead of myself since he was the one who said it. I will just let people fight my battles for me until merge to avoid the big target. Apparently, Keegan is a past winner and Lukas is popular in the community. So, if we take them out now, then we can set ourselves up in a power position late down the line. I can see why Mac made POTS. He is definitely a strategic threat and has a very analytical mind. When I backstab him, I need to do it swiftly and effectively. I hoping that Jay follows through with the plan. I believe that we will target Keegan as he has not been the most active in the chats at all. This could make him the easy vote out. I want to include Jessie in on the plan in order to establish a strong connection with her. This is so when we do merge that she won't fall back to her old tribe and will fall back to us.

So uh........,,.,,.,.,..,shit hit the fan. Apparently Austin is targeting Dylan and I do yeehaw. I think Dylan and I are going to try and pull votes for austin.

When that chat was created between Alex, Austin, Gizmo & Myself I knew I had to expose it! AND THAT'S WHAT YA BOI DID! Austin is a rat and I've had shady vibes from him since the beginning and this just confirmed it. I told Dylan, Paolo & Zach what Austin said and some certain people were not that happy. I think it's either Austin or Paolo going but I'm still not 100% but if I managed to get numbers for Austin I'm so SHOOK

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jamalam · 7 years ago

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What He Knew and What He Thought

Written for @bunny-yams bc he’s???? So???? Great??? Thanks to @anonymouscrazyfangirl this fic was actually fucking edited!!!

When the world is quiet, and the sky is blue, and the winds have stilled, if only for a moment, that is the only time Alexander can find himself in Thomas’s embrace. The leaves drifted to the ground, no longer waltzing through the air like uncoordinated ballerinas, instead being able to twirl and swirl through the cracks and crevices of fragments of whispered words. Words like ‘don’t let go’ and ‘I wouldn’t dream of it, darling’. Words that are only interrupted by gentle kisses to the forehead and silent promises that would be ruined had they been spoken aloud.

Alexander will pull away from Thomas for just a moment, as if to say no, we shouldn’t be doing this, this is wrong and we are wrong and everything we have ever wanted is so very very wrong. Light of streetlamps pulsing against the night sky in weak retaliation that it would not be doing if it could help it. Gazing up at the darkness before him, Alexander leans forward and presses a soft, barely there kiss to Thomas’s collarbone, leaving a light glow of remnants of replacement starlight.

However, a replacement is no substitute for the real thing. When stars shine through from Thomas’s eyes and illuminated Alexander’s thoughts with nearly iridescent glimmers, who is he to judge? Thoughts of his other lovers, of Lafayette’s stormy gaze and John’s gleaming constellations that connect their hearts were of no use to him while he surrendered the atmosphere to soft coiled curls of sunset sunbeams.

Thomas’s embrace was nothing like the clouds that flowed in from the horizon in shades of grey and almost-blues or the not-quite-silence of twinkling stars shining all the way from forever ago in the solar system, or even beyond.

That was the thing about starlight. Scientifically speaking, by the time one observes starlight, the light had to travel thousands, or tens of thousands of lightyears from its point of creation to where the observer stood at that very point in time. By the time stars shine upon you, the light is entirely possible to be from an already deceased star, long ago burned out in a far away solar system that no one will visit any time soon. So when one is presented with the sunlight shining in on them, sunrise and sunset and afternoons in the warmth of hazy glows… The choice is obvious, is it not?

Of course, Lafayette and John had no knowledge that Alexander had been presented with such a choice, let alone made up his mind about it.

On days where the sky was pale blue and storms refused to drift in from the horizon, Alexander found himself in Lafayette’s arms, receiving kisses from John that were peppered onto his cheeks and forehead, mixed with soft laughter, softer even than the clouds.

But nights?

Those were Thomas’s.

Stars sprinkled across the sky, mixed with thick stormclouds did not phase Alexander, who instead chose to illuminate the world on his own with each bright spark of Thomas’s voice intertwined with his own. Their arms were tightly wrapped around each other, holding onto the last remnants of night as the sun rose and shone in from Thomas’s bedroom window that was far too large for him to get any sort of curtains.

Some mornings, when Alexander had been on a ‘business trip’ and he laid in Thomas’s overly expensive bed, the ridiculously soft sheets tangled between his legs and halfway off the bed already, he would awaken to the taller man gazing lovingly down at him. Alexander would reach up sleepily, and cup Thomas’s cheek, asking softly what was wrong, is everything alright, Tommy? Thomas would then smile at him, and turn his head, pressing a kiss to Alexander’s wrist like the first rays of sunlight in the morning, during a time that was not quite sunrise. He would whisper that everything was absolutely perfect, just go back to sleep, ‘Lex.

Alexander supposed that in hindsight, he should have seen it coming. He should have known that those first bits of warmth of day formed into Thomas’s early morning kisses were more than small comforts for the two men. How each and every morning he spent with the man whose coiled-curls of hair flowed out like a halo of sunlight that made him seem as though he were the embodiment of a supernova, bright and bold and taking control of all his senses.

Loving Lafayette and John was soft, smooth, like a creek running through a quiet forest. Gentle and cooling, wrapping around his heart in soft pulls of the water. It was welcoming, it was home, it was everything they had worked so hard for in all those years of loneliness. They had been dying of thirst, and found solace in each other, spreading the flow of affection through diminutive tides that beat down on long-ago smoothed pebbles.

But being in love with Thomas?

That was the first few sparks of fire flowing through the air, setting flame to the dead forest that had once housed a small stream of water through it. Warmth flooded his fingertips with each touch to the other man, and somehow, it was more than matter, something entirely spectacular in its brilliance. Alexander knew, however, that setting fire to his forested mind would only dry out the creek that once flowed so smoothly through, providing relief in the desert life had always seemed to be.

And yet, when they laid together in bed on those silent evenings, already finished with their actions together, Alexander felt his heart skip a beat when Thomas reached over and gripped his wrist tightly, looking up at him with a pleading gaze. Please don’t leave, it said, I can be yours, and you can be mine and we can set fire to the world instead of just watching it burn. Watching the world burn is never something you would want, we both know how haunted you are by inaction. So take my hand and share my bed and illuminate the Earth with flame.

Each time, Alexander silently declined, pulling away and leaving as quickly as possible, to get home to his other lovers.

He thought he would never give in to Thomas’s pleas.

He knew that exactly the opposite would be the truth.

But when one knows something, and thinks quite the opposite, how long will it take for their mind to shatter, and with those shards cut the hearts of the men they have pretended to love for so long?

#fanfiction #jamilton #laflams #alexander hamilton #thomas jefferson #john laurens #gilbert du motier marquis de lafayette #marquis de lafayette #angst #cheating #overly poetic

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backtojuno · 7 years ago

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yoooo ive been really inactive lately, ive been going through a lot of shit. under the readmore is a bunch of stuff i need to get off my chest/make sense of. just be warned, its really long

you can read it if you want but its mostly complaining and cursing

riiiiight so about 2 months ago shit hit the fucking fan. Ive had problems with my neck thats caused very, very bad headaches for maybe 5/6 years or so. mostly i wasnt able to get anything done about it, being dependent on 2 parents who are both very pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of people.in june though, i started working extra shifts at my job so i could pay for a chiropractor. and it worked, i had no headaches... for about a month. for a month after that the headaches came back, even though i was still seeing the chiropractor. AND FUCKING THEN

i was at work, my last weekend before i went on a 2-week trip to see my mom up in ohio! i was super excited. but also in a lot of pain too. most of the way through my shift i cracked my neck, a little bit too hard. all of a sudden i was floating about a foot over my head, i was getting hot flashes, and the left side of my throat went numb. of course, i panicked, told my manager and called my dad. my dad called his doctor and he said that since my hands/feet/anything werent tingling or anything like that I was alright, but i should still see a doctor. dad decided not to take me to the ER, but I was still goddamn scared. I still am, honestly. of course, this got more complicated. it was a saturday, so doctors offices were closed and wouldnt be open til monday, the day that id leave for ohio. it was a really hard decision but if i didnt get on the plane to ohio, i wouldve had to forfeit the trip entirely. so, i went to ohio and my mom set an appointment for thursday for a doctor.

i waited, we went, and i told my story to the doctor. she didnt do any tests on me, didnt even touch me. just said i had probably hit a nerve and that i was fine, and offered to prescribe medicine which i didnt want. EXCEPT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. the day after i went to the doctor i started feeling this pressure on the side of my throat,right in that fleshy part just underneath the back of your jaw.i thought and hoped it would go away. it fucking didnt. some days were better than others but on some days id be sightseeing with my family and id be silent, standing in a museum looking at The Plane that The Wright Brothers Themselves built, and trying not to panic bc the pressure in my throat was bad and it felt like i couldnt get enough air in. when i told my mom she told me to calm down. that did not help, at all. anyways, the rest of the trip passed and i flew home. EXCEPT. JESUS CHRIST. while i was on the plane, i was having a hard time popping my ear. I didnt have any gum (and i hate gum anyways bc of misophonia) so i ended up spending the entire plane ride moving my jaw to try and pressurize my ear. that, of course, ended up with me doing something to the right side of my jaw that makes it crackle and sometimes pop when i move it. it also hurts sometimes, which is weird bc the only jaw pain ive ever had was when i had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out at once. with the pressure in my throat though, it was kind of an afterthought at the time

anyways. since doctor #1 really hadnt done anything and i didnt have a primary doctor, i decided to go to the primary doctor my mom and sister went to when they still lived down here with me. its probably a good time to mention that that side of the family is the one im close to and im stuck here in florida for another year while i finish college. anyways. getting to him was a long wait but i got there and told him my story and he ordered some x rays of my neck and bloodwork, and prescribed me medicine. i waited for the tests and waited more for the follow up. looked at everything and told me everything was peachy keen, perfect except for a little bit of degeneration in my spinal vertebrae. it looked like things were kinda (really) out of his area of expertise, so he prescribed me a different medicine and a few sessions of physical therapy and recommended a nose & throat specialist to go to if the throat pressure didnt go away. i am goddamn lucky my dad offered to pay for my medical expenses. Doctor #3 was more or less useless.

on to doctor #3! he’s a neck specialist. i managed to get an appointment pretty quickly with him so i waited to see him. i didnt see him on the day of the appointment, but rather his assistant. she listened to my story (except that i forgot to tell her about the throat pressure thing. i s2g i go featherbrained around doctors) and then tested my arm and leg strength/mobility/general usefulness/whatever. then she ordered an mri of my neck. i waited for the mri, then waited again for the follow up. She, of course, said there was nothing wrong and when i remembered to tell her about the throat thing (which had still not gone away, 2 months later) she just looked kinda confused. she, like doctor #2, prescribed me a different medicine and a month of physical therapy. i think somewhere along the timeline of seeing doctor #3 my jaw started acting up again? i dont remember the exact timing of that but it hurt, and it sucked. my throat also started getting pretty uncomfortable when i talked, like i had to work harder to speak at a normal level. that also sucks when you work in a customer service job

so i managed to rule out that the throat thing wasnt bc of my neck and that my vertebrae werent gonna spontaneously combust or anything, i booked an apointment with the nose & throat specialist, which was on tuesday. by this time i was a damn mess. i still felt at times that i was having a hard time breathing and i really couldnt even think about it without going on the verge of a panic attack. 2 months and NO answers other than “huh, that’s weird” (the physical therapist literally told me that to my face). i had started to do research on my own for lack of anything better. that led me to eagle syndrome! which described exactly what i was feeling! (http://www.livingwitheagle.org/t/es-information-common-symptoms-and-possible-explanations-for-them/1389) and from what i read, there’s no cure! just analgesics and surgery, really. that really, really did not help- if you cant do anything then whats the point, right?

EX-FUCKING-CEPT. right around the time that i figured that out, i started having pain in my chest. i didnt know why it was happening (i later figured out that its bc when i sleep on my side i put too much pressure on my chest and it hurts me where my ribs and my sternum meet. it just decided to act up then). still though, i didnt know that at the time and let me tell you, when your chest starts hurting after youve been having whats more or less a 2-month-long constant panic attack, its goddamn TERRIFYING. i had lost my appetite a couple days before and had not been eating much, so i was weak and my heart was beating weirdly. i asked my dad what to do. he told me to call my primary, and they told me to go to the ER. i asked my dad to take me to the ER. his answer? “no, we’re going to an urgent care clinic”. the urgent care clinic, of course, couldnt do anything, while i sat there crying. (the doctor there, doctor #4, literally told me to just wait to see the nose & throat guy and that “i should try to be more composed when i see him”) meanwhile, when trying to talk about what ive been feeling to my parents, aka several mentions that i feel like im choking, i was just told to calm down. as if everything wasnt crumbling and going wrong.

so i waited until the appointment on tuesday. actually, no i didnt, i went into depression mode(TM), getting nothing done, and ended up in the doctors office an hour and a half before the appointment on the verge of tears. since it was uncomfortable to talk and something just outside of my throat had started hurting a week before, i had typed up my story (named “The Big Clusterfuck” on my computer). doctor #5 did some tests and mentioned eagle syndrome, even though i had only described it in the paper and not named it, and TMJ. he gave me prednisone for a week and told me to come back in a week. i feel bad for the man, i cried a lot.

ive managed to get my appetite back and have started eating again, and spent all of yesterday evacuating florida. i really, really hope the prednisone works. i dont know what im gonna do if it doesnt. if youre religious or do witchy stuff or whatever floats your boat, please send along a prayer or a spell or something. im not as bad as i was last week but im still Not Okay

#random crap #like if you read pls #the great clusterfuck 2k17

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ts-seychelles · 6 years ago

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EP 6. - “Eh, Maybe Some Decaf Tea” - DAN

Creating my first alliance with asya and vilma? legend status planning to get augusto to make one between myself dan vilma and him? also legend status. Get me IN with that social positioning mama. If I'm not going to tribal I gotta do SOMETHING

(A LITTLE LATER)

I feel I should write a semi serious long confessional about losing Zach, but I'm absolutely shook. I was FaceTiming Joanna during the tribal council, and I was actually baffled. I know he played a little hard, made lots of alliances with people and was really going after it, but I'd figure that something else would go down with that tribal council........ idk. Something about what happened last night makes me feel unsafe in the game, and I don't know how to respond to it. Ricky, the night before tribal, was the one who spilled all the tea about Zach, which I just didn't know completely about until Ricky told me, but more importantly, all of this about Zach showed me that I'm really not as "in" with the OG Lazare as I thought I was. Not knowing any of this information about Zach, me not knowing that other people knew about the 6 person alliance that Zach tried to form.... it just makes me feel out of it The good thing is that I'm very much working on my relationships with the people from the original Lazare that are currently on my tribe, and honestly, if that other tribe gets rid of people like Roxy or Ruben next, then maybe my game can restart with brand new relationships at the merge. I figure if people knew this much about Zach, they probably knew about my relation to him, and how involved I was in his game. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me, but for now, just gotta keep working my relationships in my tribe and hope that I can make it to the merge and MAYBE find another idol lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVAWPhD1I1o

So Johnny and I have been on the same tribe for forever now. To think he called me boring last org oof. I swear I'm not boring, I just didn't want to take you to the end that game >.> I'll try this time as long as you don't fuck me over sngkfdbnhgjh. Also I fucking hate winterbell and everything about it. Orsinwhateverthefuck sucks

i completely forget to submit for the reward challenge like a dumbass, BUT ITS OK BECUASE WE STILL WON. this next challenge makes me worried though because it is literally based off luck lmao kill my ass

I don’t have anything to say bitch. i got the idol clue rip. that’s IT. thanks for sponsoring me, dr. pepper!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBxuZVACfac

So we're going to tribal tonight, which means for the first time in 22 days..... I am actually going to tribal vnfjkdlsnvjdfklnvjlkdfnjklvndfjklvndf I have a lot of thoughts going into tonight, specifically the fact that I wanted to make a move on Ricky, but also Dan kinda fucked it all up kjvnldfnsjklvndfjklvf Dan, Ricky and I have a chat from the people who competed in jeopardy, and as cliche as it is, we decided that the three of us should work together. Also while this was all happening, Dan and Augusto BOTH previously, before we lost, spoke to me about "splitting up" Asya and Ricky because they were apparently in an alliance with Roxy or Nicole or something like that, and Nicole told Vilma, and Vilma told Augusto, and now Augusto told me........ and here we are. They wanna split it up, and honestly I'm all for it. I don't want to keep around a lot of Lazare people because I felt pretty uncomfortable on that tribe with my social positioning, and even though I was in an alliance with Zach, Ruben and Roxy, it still feels idk. The BIG thing that I was coming around to was the fact that Dan TOLD Ricky in our jeopardy chat that Augusto wanted to separate Ricky and Asya, and that just made me so...... hmph annoyed? at Dan. I feel that wasn't a smart move, and when you've got information, you've just gotta hold it close to your chest and talk to the people who ALSO know about that information, and Dan just kinda threw Augusto under the bus, who REALLY wanted to work with him, and now Ricky is losing any potential trust in Augusto and idrk what to do about it. It's messy, but no one REALLY knows that all of this messiness is happening except for Dan, Ricky and myself because of the jeopardy chat, whomever they told (Ricky probably told Asya), and then I told Vilma bc I trusted her and wanted her to be on the same page as me. My gut is telling me that Augusto is going to be fine, and that Vi is likely going to be the one going home, but it's definitely going to get crazy if this tribe goes to tribal again, and we may have to see the tribe implode between Augusto vs Ricky/Asya vs Dan for exploiting all the information. It could get nuts. Honestly though? Keeping the problematic people around to make me blend in more and have to worry about getting voted out less and less? I'll take it. I'm actually trying to be so non threatening this time it hurts, and I'm hoping I'm accomplishing that for now? i'm sure once we get to merge things will change teehee

(A LITTLE LATER)

OH ALSO Vilma found the idol and I'm kinda pissed bc I was SO CLOSE to finding it before her, but she beat me to it. it was her idol clue, so she deserves it, but she told Me AND Asya........... and idk if you should tell Asya that information, especially because she is kinda rogue sometimes, and the less people knowing the better, BUT nothing bonds an alliance together like that kinda information, so it turns out the Power Bottoms (newly formed alliance between Vilma, Asya and myself) is going to go SWIMMINGLY

Hello 👋🏻 My name is Pastor Nicole and I am here to share with you this most important confessional Okay anyway I’m in a better mood today than most of my past confessionals so, enjoy that much. Things have been going well. I’m pretty sure Ruben got some cracked ass shit at Ghost Island and is just itching to use it. But, we won so he can’t ha HA ha. Anyway being on a tribe with my boyfriend started out kind of rocky since I’m kind of the stubborn one in our relationship but in this game Jared knows more about things so like....it’s been a bit tough for me to follow directions of a man! That’s not my style. But it is...what will probably get us both to the end of this game, if anything. Because I really don’t know that much about survivor and my strategy of kind of flopping until I need to backstab, just isn’t gonna work when we together are this big of a threat. So, I gotta like loosen the reigns and let him guide the horse ya know. But trust and believe in the words of Little Mix, “I’ll let you come take the wheel long as you don’t forget I got the power.” Which I’m sure is about sex but, I’m ....strictly talking about the game I swear. Anyway besides that I’ve got some fun alliances going and my little legacy thing, it’s cute. I’ll talk more about that later (which is always what I say in these because giving too much information is also, not my style.)

https://youtu.be/NDzub2LkO1k

Tonight it seems like we are voting Vi. Agustuo wanted me to vote Ricky or Asya because they are a big duo but I told him that they don't really seem to be bothering anyone right now. As far as I know Ricky hates everyone lmaooo. It also might be a good idea to get as many people from the other side to the OG Malabar tribe, because we seem to be sticking together pretty well.

So fun fact Ruben is trying to get me and jg to turn against Nicole and Jared. And idk who to believe about all this. Like who actually has my back outside of JG. And like Roxy and Ruben say they have ours but do they

So do I have tea? Eh, maybe some decaf tea. Me, Johnny, and Ricky are basically an alliance, with Asya on the side (idk if she knows that or not but whatevs). Augusto thinks him and I are close. He disclosed he wanted to go for Ricky or Asya, I went to Ricky and told him. Augusto tried to rally Ashen, who wasnt into it tbh, and now Augusto looks dumb lol The plan as of right now is for Vi to get the chop. Will it happen? Sis I hope so. She’s just bland and doesn’t talk to anyone, so people can’t justify making a move against Ricky because Vi is basically dead. I had a Thats So Raven moment in the car today when i was thinking about this game. I was thinking about how sickening a merge at 11 would be with me, Johnny, Jared, Nicole, Asya, and Ricky being the majority alliance. Then I thought about a me, Nicole, and Asya black widow final three where we vote out all of our men at f6 so that the three of us can get to the end. How sickening. We all have a guaranteed jury vote and we all look pretty.

Alright so I somehow managed to survive my first tribal back at Lazare and I highkey feel bad about it, but I'm still here so I am trying to take everything out of this second chance. I definitely feel like my odds of winning are close to zero especially after everything that went down, but close to zero is still better than zero, right?? Oh, and I found an idol too, WHAT???? This is the first time I've had an idol in an org and I don't know what to think about that. I got lucky with the reward and received a clue that was really helpful. I might have made a big mistake telling Johnny an Asya about the clue in our alliance chat because in the end I would have found the idol without their help and since I told about the clue I was pretty much forced to reveal that I had found the idol as well. I feel like I'm going to become a big target soon and everyone is going to know about the idol. Our new tribe managed to win the first challenge, but the second one came down to luck and we were unlucky so yay, tribal awaits! Although everyone seems to be in agreement to vote out Vi tonight since she's been a bit busy and inactive and hasn't talked to people a lot. I'm definitely okay with that, I always enjoy a nice unanimous vote haha. Johnny told me that Augusto had tossed out the idea to vote out Ricky to split up Asya/Ricky who seem to be friends, and Dan later confirmed this was true. But right now it seems that people have settled on Vi and I'm honestly happy about that because 1) I would feel bad voting out an active player over an inactive and 2) Asya knows about my idol so I don't want to blindside her anytime soon. Other than that I'm not entirely sure where my loyalties lie at the moment but I'm sure it's going to become clear if we end up having to go to tribal again. Of course there's always a chance that everyone's bullshitting me and I'm getting blindsided later tonight, but I find it pretty unlikely that NO ONE of our tribe of 8 would let me know about that... So I am probably going to try and get some sleep now, and unfortunately miss tonight's tribal. I need to sleep after all these sleepless nights okay.

https://youtu.be/4Vgxagy6pjY

#itsgametimekids

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