#''wow i haven't checked the notes on this post in a while! wonder what it's at right now?''

[catboytenya]

I NEED Katsuki to say something about Izuku's missing freckles considering we know from TUM that he canonically counts his freckles and knows how many he has. PLEASE.

[boringbones]

Hey! I have literally all your mods and I saw your last post on twitter about shaders and wow, you really are one of those simmers that came to change the things in the game! I was wondering, is it possible to make the sims look the way they do in the CAS? What about The Sims Medieval? Can you make the sims look like them but the way they look in CAS too? Because even in that game this problem is present :/

Hello!! Ah thank you! Trust me, it takes a lot of trial and error, opening and closing the game and taking screenshots to make sure what I'm doing is working. And sometimes it's just "Did that work or was it just a bug?" Hahah so it requires patience and a lot of repetition.

Answering your question, absolutely yes. In reality, more or less. I mean, a lot of what you see in CAS is well-done lighting, but you can get the same level of texture quality out of it, no doubt. I already taught how in a tutorial. NOTE that this is my old site, I haven't moved all the tutorials to my new site yet, so while that doesn't happen, you can check out the tutorial HERE :D (I think the same applies to ts medieval)

[troofless]

What did I do in 2024?

I did things to prove I was alive.

2024 really was a strange year for me in terms of my writing. I was pretty busy in the first half due to RL difficulties, but in the second half, I decided to look through my old WIPs and see if there was anything I could polish and publish.

When Your Presented Present isn’t Present in the Present (Genshin Impact) was picked up while it was still a mess of bullet points, written and published over (iirc) the course of a few weeks.

Seisou Bakuretsu Boy! (BNHA/MHA) was written for a dumb contest that I am still salty about because the winning fic was a meme that the server was in on that I did not get (don't ever community with MHA servers, the mods are the most toxic and self-entitled POSes I have ever seen who will jump your throat at the single toe out of their line they have devised in their head that they think is the server rules)

Just A Small Town Murder (BNHA/MHA) is my current brainworm that no one reads and I will abandon when I stop loving how much I want to write what goes through my head at post-war Bakugou

Kaname Date and The Mixer Tragedy (AITSF) is the most dumbest crack (reluctantly-turned nsfw) I have ever written with some of the most (self-written) delightful lines I have ever had the pleasure of re-reading years after I forgot I wrote them. I love the second chapter, but I doubt I will ever get around to posting it. My foresight predicts it will stay at 1/? for years to come.

I have a 30k kavetham monologue about Kaveh's toxic habits of self-loathing that I never posted because I hated writing the plot around it and rewriting it to try and make it a happy conclusive ending... eh.

As for my art, I drew a lot of stuff on my tablet, but never got around to posting them because most of them were for my OCs, or were touching up old unfinished WIP comics that I never got around to finishing. It's my dream to draw something that I like, but my skills aren't up there yet. The only thing of note I posted was this Komaeda-Aventurine fusion, which still makes me crack a smile whenever I look at it. (By the way, my favourite Hoyo character is Harumasa and the closest to the my ideal favourite male character so far in all of their games). (They need to make an Erza Scarlet for their game so badly, and my wallet will be theirs. Evelyn is close, I think.)

As for other things I did... In April of the year 2024, I went on a frantic shopping spree brought on by my end of year exam deluded frenzies (I hated my courses) and at the end of it spent an absurd amount of money plus shipping for a certain 2-volumed, out of print, long-forgotten series, novel. It wouldn't be a joke if I wrote here that I comforted my hellish days of not-studying for my exams by waiting for the book to arrive and tracking it on less than dubious mail/purchase sites and thinking how badass I'd be if I posted my TLs on a forgotten site (here) and how many notes I'd get (*looks at latest post*: 8) and how popular I'd be that I'd monetise the whole TLing process (I did not). A few years back, some stuff I did to TL in another fandom went poorly (the major TLer was a major dick, wow who would have thought of the TL community) and so me, still bearing the scars of that, thought to myself, welp, I have no idea how this will go, whether anyone will lambast me for it, or whether the project I'm about to undergo will ever be finished thanks to my habit of dropping things I'm not interested in, but whatever. If people want the updates, they can buy the books and do it themselves. Ha, checkmate. (My inner monologuing are the only things keeping my innate human craving for socialising in check, sometimes.)

After a few days of looking at my mail site screen and wondering, what the fuck, it says it's been delivered but I haven't received a package, I finally went down to my mailbox in the middle of the night and found out that, oh yeah, it already has been delivered, I just didn't check the mail. Derp. And so on that day, it began. I think almost immediately after I posted the first chapter (on my empty sideblog, with the coolest name ever that tumblr gave me but I decided to 'orphan' to rebrand myself after I the child had spent enough time thinking of a cool and remember-able enough internet moniker/username to call myself) I was hit with the equivalent of OH MY GOD, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING from a total of like. 10 users or something, 2 of which reached out to me via DMs for [elaboration that I won't mention because I find it troublesome]. So yeah. I wasn't expecting the massive support I was given (almost none), or that my post was even noticed (who checks the [insert fandom] tag in 2024???? It's a dead fandom, the place literally celebrated its 15 years of existence only a few years back), or that I'd continue it via sheer force of willing it into existence for so long.

I have a whole changelog just for moments of reflection like these, and so it's really funny seeing how energetic I was in the first few months, and then petering off to about 1 update per month. In the first month along I hacked off the first section of the book, the second month finished off that first book (it was a goal of mine back then to do that), and then in the following weeks spent time TLing the most massive and boring loredump I'd ever have to slog through that definitely burnt me out, and set me on the path of the second book that honestly I was completely not interested in because the story doesn't really focus on [character and his bf's] adventures and more on societal commentary. Currently, I'm running the victory lap (if you can call it that when there's a good 25% more of the book to go), and I have no idea how this will ever pan out but I will make it my resolution to get it done by this year, I guess. (I never do resolutions because I am not good with making promises with myself, the liar). My friend who is helping me out is currently overseas and will only be back after the first week of Jan, so I'll only be able to pick it back up then. And as for what happens to me after that... I was thinking of picking up the accompanied manga for it, but someone else did it already, so hey, less work for me and I am looking at this tdbk doujin I bought a few weeks ago in Japan and wondering... hmm.... MAYBE.... (we will see).

Other than that, I guess I survived another year. Yippee!

I guess I can talk about my games. This year, Sinoalice fucking died on us and our guild was both happy and sad for it, in the way you're sad for a leech dying on you. I still play Sdorica (dead game) (here's to another year of .... nothing!), Another Eden (they are becoming more cash grabbity...), Genshin Impact, Honkai Star Rail, Reverse 1999, and Arknights. This year I picked up Zenless Zone Zero and just as quickly picked and dropped Wuthering Waves (ass game, amazing models tho, if you can get past how most of the designs are ass and similar in colour palette).

In terms of real life, I finally hit a stopping point in my life and started a new one. Pretty nice. 2025 holds a certain significance to me in a way, but honestly with how I am, I don't think I can expect anything much to happen this year, but I hope at least I'll still be alive at the end of it to see:

Legend of Sun Knight get a donghua adaptation (copium) (fucked MDZS for popularising the author btw, only MDZS deserves rereading and I'd never do that because I hate the love interest with a fiery passion)

the Tales of series to get a new teased game (copium, will not happen for a few years)

for Fire Emblem to get a new game (even more copium if you take a look at the release date for their latest game)

Thunderbolt Fantasy's movie (rip funds for S5), Hidan no Aria and C3 to get an official localisation (copium)

Link Click's Bridon Arc that is airing right now to finish!

Defeating the Demon Lord’s a Cinch (If You’ve Got A Ringer) to update (even more copium if you look at the last time the author updated their work and realise it's been relegated to AO3 WIP status)

MHA S8 Bakugou's GOAT scene being animated (RIP CH431 btw Hori did Bakugou so dirty there)

SWE to update their SAO Abridged and MHA Abridged version

Project Eden's Garden to update so I can brainworm Damon the funniest protagonist in murder mystery visual novel history (in my brain)

More games that I like to come onto the Switch (PHYSICAL COPIES) so I can buy and play them instead of coping for a PC

More fics to be written that I vibe with

For NicoB and Kashimaro, the only 2 YTers I actually follow, to keep on posting vids

With all of that being said, I guess there's nothing left to say about this thing I wrote on a Wednesday morning of a nothing on the first of January, 2025.

I'll walk as far as I can and until then, I'll persist.

Here's to another year of living.

[jarredlharris]

Live-threading my thoughts while listening to the Thereafter podcast episode about the Ashley Madison docuseries.

The following is a transcript of the live-thread I posted while listening to Thereafter podcast episode 104.

Well, @cortlandcoffey and @thepursuinglife released a new @thereafterpodcast episode yesterday, so I better get to listening and live-threading my thoughts. Let's do this!

Before I get going, I will note that the episode's description has a content note/trigger warning for child sexual abuse, particularly as committed my some Christian pastors. This is because they will be talking about Robert Morris. Since I will likely comment on that part of the episode, I want to repeat that warning for this thread as well.CONTENT NOTE: Discussion Child Sexual Abuse, especially as committed by (some) Christian pastors. @thereafterpodcast

Wow. Has it really only been a week since the story about Robert Morris came out? It feels like it's been longer, given how understandably intense the conversations has been. @thereafterpodcast

The thing about the people who are outraged or surprised is that the the most likely they're having that reaction is they haven't been paying attention. @thereafterpodcast

Interesting thought on the statute of limitations: In some states (I don't know if Texas is one such state), the statute of limitations may not apply if there's been an ongoing effort to cover up the original crime. Just food for thought. @thereafterpodcast

@cortlandcoffey is mentioning Josh Duggar and other examples of how this represents patterns of behavior rather than a one-off event. I think that's an important point. @thereafterpodcast

I could be confusing her with someone else, but I think @joluehmann wrote a wonderful thread on Twitter quite some time ago explaining how purity culture and white evangelical culture in general tends to enable and attract predators. It was a fantastic read and highly relevant to this conversation. @thereafterpodcast

Of course, I suspect a lot of people have written similar threads. @thereafterpodcast

Not going to lie. I often argue with some Christians about how I feel their god is evil. But it has nothing to do with any crimes any minister has ever committed. @thereafterpodcast

On to the discussion about Ashley Madison! @thereafterpodcast

I have not watched the docuseries @thepursuinglife and @cortlandcoffey are talking about. I haven't decided whether I'm going to. @thereafterpodcast

Life is short. Spend as much time with (non-toxic) family as possible. @thereafterpodcast

.@cortlandcoffey is talking about how he doesn't see leading a secret double life as a way to improve one's life. I tend to agree with him.

Of course, being who he is, @cortlandcoffey suggests just opening up about the fact that you want to have sex with other people and seeing if your partner/spouse is open to that. I'm good with that too! @thereafterpodcast

.@thepursuinglife is proposing that relationships have a "check-in" period every five years. I agree, though wonder if a shorter time period might be good. @thereafterpodcast

.@cortlandcoffey is pointing out that he's against compulsory monogamy, but not voluntary monogamy. I think that's an important distinction. @thereafterpodcast

Of course, I think this requires a lot of shedding societal beliefs about monogamy to get to the point where you can choose it and have that choice be 100% voluntary. And I say that as someone who is happily in a monogamous relationship. @thereafterpodcast

What's really weird is that my husband and I just had a long discussion about our commitment to monogamy the other day. We both decided we prefer monogamy, but would be open to trying something else if the other person felt they needed that. So I guess that's our check-in for the next five years? @thereafterpodcast

Oh right, they're actually talking about Ashley Madison and the docuseries about it. I had almost forgotten! 🤣 @thereafterpodcast

This has been a fascinating conversation. I really haven't had anything to add in the past 10+ minutes. @thereafterpodcast

.@thepursuinglife and @cortlandcoffey seem great at giving relationship advice. I guess if the deconstruction podcast ever fails, they'd have a backup. *ducks* @thereafterpodcast

Another great episode! @thereafterpodcast

[fluffypeachwriting]

HIIIII !!!! OH MY GOD HI HELLO IM SORRY FOR COMING HERE AND BEING SO LOUD AND NOISY BUT I JUST FINISHED READING UR STRAWBERRY AND POCKY FANFIC AND OH MY GODDD I AM OBSESSED WITH IT. IVE BEEN BINGE READING IT AAAALLLL DAY AND I AM SOO IN LOVE WITH IT. YOUR WRITING IS SOOOO GOOD IM LIKE !!!!! MAN !!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS !!!!!!!

I WANNA TAKE OFF CAPS BUT IM LIKE. CRYING SOBBING SHASKING DYING /pos SO LIKE OMGGG I NEED TO RANTT,,,,I LOVE LOVE LOVEEE HOW U WROTE THIS,,,ICHIRO WAS SO CUTE AND ALSO SOO HOT OH MY GODDD ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS. I WANT TO DRAW FANART OF THIS SO BADLT LIKE. I HAVE TO. THIS IS TOO GOOD. ALSO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH ICHIRO AND THE READER DIDNT FELT RUSHED OR ANYTHING!! IT WAS SO GOOD,, WHICH IS ONLY NATURAL CUZ THIS IS ALMOST LIKE 60K IN TOTAL BUT STILL !! ALSO UR WRITING OHHH MY GODDDD UR WRITING,,,,I HAVE BEEN STRUCK WITH INSPIRATION AFTER READING THIS- IM LIKE !!1 WOW !!!!! I WANNA WRITE TOO !!!! :D IT WAS JUST SOOO !!!! AGHHHH IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT WITHOUT ME SCREAMING HERE HEELPP...IT WAS JUST SO GOOD !!

ALSO ALSO WHEN ICHIRO LEFT AND THE READER DIDNT KNOW WHATS UP,,, U LIKE CONVEY EMPTINESS AND LONELINESS SOOO WELL!! LIKE,,, IDK MAN I JUST. I FELT THE SADNESS....IT HITS!!!

ALSO ALSO I THINK IT WAS IN CHAPTER 17 WHERE UR LIKE DESCRIBING ICHIROS FEELING AND AND WAS THAT A HANAHAKI REFERENCE??????? IM PRETTY SURE IT IS BUT REGARDLESS THAT WHOLE SEQUENCE WAS SO !! WOW !!!!!!! I LOVE IT SOO MUCH AAAA I LOVE THIS SOSOSO MUCH IM SUCH A BIG FAN OF THIS,,,,HUGE FAN EVEN !!!! You did a wonderful job with this and i genuinely cant wait to start reading ur other fics!! :3 HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!! <3

Thank you so much!!!! It makes me so happy to see people enjoying what I write!!! I still check my notes all the time even though I haven't posted in a while ;; you have a lot of posts on here to get through so I hope you enjoy!! Don't apologise for ranting in my inbox, it actually makes me so happy to receive positive comments of any kind! I don't want people together the impression that I've abandoned this blog or anything but at the same time I don't wanna make a bunch of irrelevant posts all the time and get peoples hopes up about more fic orz

I had a lot of fun creating a characterisation of Ichiro (and the others) that fit with the fic and my personal interpretation of him, while also keeping true to canon as much as I could, so it's so much of a relief to see feedback from people who liked it!

I was listening to Purple Eyeshadow by Furihata Ai on loop while writing the chapter of the same name (the lonely chapter you're probably talking about) if you want to experience what kind of vibe I was going for there ♡ the song is about a wildly different situation tho lmao

I'm not sure what part of ch17 you're referencing sorry but I don't recall adding a hanahaki reference in there, but it's very cool that you saw that in there!

I hope you have a wonderful day too! ☆

[supernovafics]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐀 𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇

pairing: dylan o’brien x best friend fem!reader

summary: in which dylan has been your best friend for as long as you could remember. your busy lives and schedules may have pushed both of your lives in vastly different directions as you’d gotten older, but somehow you two would always be led back to your hometown, and each other, during the holidays. however, one moment causes all of that to change. 

warnings: angst (what else is new), some fluffiness, mentions of past trauma (the maze runner incident), existential crises, explicit language

word count: 3.6k words

author’s note: idk why i decided to write something christmas related in the summer but it happened lmao (also i feel like it’s slightly important to mention that this takes place in 2016)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The rocks being thrown at your window were not what woke you up. Instead, you had been lying awake for hours; getting little to no sleep was something that you had become used to at this point.

However, on this specific night— or morning, depending on how one looked at it— you were glad that your sleep had been restless once again because it made it easy for you to get out of bed and walk to your window when the rocks began hitting it.

There was really no need for you to push open the curtains and check who was doing the throwing because, of course, it was Dylan. Ever since he moved onto your street in Hermosa Beach in middle school and the two of you easily became friends, he was the only person that would ever wake you up in the middle of the night with the soft pings of rocks, especially on this specific day at this specific time.

You waved at him and gestured that you would be down in a moment. You slipped on a random pair of sweatpants along with a hoodie and then placed the Christmas gift that you bought for him in the pocket. The item was small enough to fit in the not too big pocket of your hoodie; however, it did awkwardly protrude a bit.

All of this was a sort of unspoken tradition that the pair of you had developed over the many years you’d known each other. Meeting at five in the morning on Christmas day, walking to the beach that was only a few blocks away from your respective childhood homes, and exchanging Christmas gifts with each other as you both watched the sunrise. It started when you were in ninth grade, and you hadn't missed a year since, not even when the ending of high school pushed your lives in vastly different directions, especially since Dylan graduated a year before you and was almost immediately thrust into his acting career.

But, it didn't matter that Dylan's career took off, and you eventually decided to go to college in Santa Barbara, because, no matter what, you both would always come back for the holidays.

When you opened your front door and saw Dylan lingering by the sidewalk no more than ten feet away, you were quick to go toward him and pull him in for a tight embrace. It actually hadn't been too long since you’d last seen him, maybe only five or six months, but for some reason, it still felt as if the last time he was in front of you was last December.

"Hey," Dylan breathed out in a short greeting, his arms wounding around your waist.

“Hey to you too," You responded, a small smile gracing your features when you both pulled away, and you looked up at him. "How have you been?"

It was quiet for a few moments as you waited for him to answer the question, but eventually, you were met with no verbal response, and instead, Dylan simply shrugged. The short action made your heart constrict in the most painful way, and it was then that you noticed the light remnants of a scar peeking out from behind his dark hair that covered the majority of his forehead. You were quick to peel your eyes away from the scar and instead cast them down at your Converse-covered feet, but that didn't stop the memories from quickly coming back.

The Maze Runner accident had happened back in March, but to you, and you knew to Dylan as well, it felt as if it was just yesterday, especially considering the fact that he was still dealing with the unavoidable repercussions from it.

"Wanna walk?" You asked, finally looking up at him once again.

Dylan nodded. "Yeah."

A silence that could only be deemed as comfortable lingered between them as the two of you took the five-minute walk to the beach and sat down side by side on one of the random empty benches.

"Merry Christmas, Y/N," Dylan said as he handed a present over to you. The present was messily wrapped, something that was not at all uncommon when receiving gifts from Dylan, and the sight of it made you smile.

Before you unwrapped the gift, you pulled out the one you had for him and handed it over. "Merry Christmas, Dyl."

The nostalgic sound of wrapping paper ripping could be heard as you tore into your gift. A simultaneous shocked and happy yelp emitted from your lips when you held up a Harry Potter t-shirt. But, it wasn't just any Harry Potter t-shirt; it was one with a version of the Goblet of Fire movie poster on it, which was your all-time favorite movie in the series.

"Holy shit."

"It's the original merch that was sold when the movie came out," Dylan told you. He hadn't opened his gift yet, and instead, he was playing with the green bow placed on top of it; he always liked to see your reaction first.

You looked at Dylan and then back down at the shirt as you processed his words. "Wow, double holy shit. I would put it on if it wasn't freezing right now."

Dylan laughed a bit. "Very understandable."

“Why haven't you opened yours yet? I'm dying to see what you think of it," You said. You were now holding the t-shirt to your chest, genuinely feeling like a little kid on Christmas morning again.

Dylan finally began unwrapping your gift to him, and when all of the paper was peeled off, there was a square box. "Aw, a plain white box. Thank you so much. This is what I've always wanted."

You rolled your eyes and playfully bumped him with your shoulder. "Ha ha. Please save all of these bad jokes for your stand-up act; I can't wait to boo you off the stage along with everyone else."

"So, what I'm hearing is you don't think that becoming a comedian is going to be the next best career move for me?" Dylan asked. He attempted to make the question sound as serious as possible, but there was a joking undertone to his words.

You bit back your laughter. "Please just open the box already so I don't have to hurt your feelings by truthfully answering that question."

"Okay, we'll circle back to that topic later," Dylan smiled and then finally opened the white box to reveal a slightly faded baseball. When he picked it up, he ran his thumb over the black signature written on it. "Now it's my turn to say holy shit."

You could feel yourself smiling at his awestruck reaction, and you wondered if that was what you looked like when you saw the Harry Potter shirt. The baseball was signed by one of the players of the New York Mets that had been Dylan's favorite player when he was younger, and he'd even caught a ball hit by him when he went to a game before he moved to California.

"I've had this idea for years, but I could never find a baseball signed by him," You began explaining, the excitement clear in your voice. "But, last month, someone named Paul Todd posted this on eBay and I immediately bought it. God bless that old man. It's completely authentic and everything."

Dylan was quiet for a few moments as he simply looked at the baseball in his hands, a small joyful smile on his face, and it made you happy to see him so genuinely elated with the present.

"This just made my gift look like shit," He finally said, a light laugh falling from his lips.

"I have always been the superior gift giver. I think that's my hidden talent," You responded with a playful smirk.

Dylan placed the baseball back in its box and then looked at you. "Next year you will receive the best gift ever from me. It will completely top everything that you have ever given me."

"You're saying that as if I should feel upset about receiving a trip to Italy as a Christmas gift."

"A trip to Italy?"

"In my strong opinion, that would be the best gift ever," You said with a smile and then looked down at the t-shirt, which was now in your lap. "But, anyway, I don't think this gift is shit. I'm in love with this shirt already."

Dylan let out a joking, overexaggerated sigh in relief. "Phew, okay, since you think this gift is great, that means I don't have to do the trip to Italy next year."

"What? Did I say I like this t-shirt? I hate it! Harry Potter actually su— Fuck, I can't say this with a straight face," You laughed, and Dylan was quick to join in with you.

The joking statements leading up to the laughter hadn't even been the funniest things ever, but it didn't matter because this was probably the hardest you had laughed in a while, and you were both glad and unsurprised that it was with one of your favorite people in the entire world.

You missed joking around and laughing with him. You missed simply being with him.

Eventually, the laughter died off, but there was still a smile planted firmly on your face. You looked ahead at the darkness in front of you and the ocean that looked completely black; it was still kind of early, so the sun hadn't begun to rise just yet. Your back pressed against the wooden bench, and you let out a small sigh, your head finding Dylan's shoulder as you leaned against him.

"How have you been?" You asked him, your words coming out both soft and slightly quiet, and before the mood became too serious with your question that was nothing but serious, you attempted to lighten it. "And please no shrugs as a response this time. I don't wanna get a headache due to my head bouncing off your shoulder."

Dylan let out a breath of a laugh at your final statements but refrained from answering the question for a few moments.  

After what felt like forever, he sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. "I honestly don't know. My mind has felt so fucked lately, thinking about everything. I swear I've been feeling every feeling known to man these past months."

"What are you feeling right now? In this moment?"

"I'm really happy with you. This is probably the only normal and familiar thing I've experienced in a while. But, of course, there's still that confused feeling in the back of my mind revolving around everything else." He paused for a brief moment before continuing, his next words came out quieter. "I don't even know if I want to go back to acting."

You lifted your head off his shoulder and looked at him as you pulled his hand into yours and gave it a light, reassuring squeeze.

"No matter what you decide. I'll be right there to support you," You told him and then added a "bro" at the end of her sentence along with a small smile. Whenever things became too deep in a conversation you two were having, one of you would always throw a "bro" or "dude" in there to bring some playfulness to the mood.

The corners of Dylan's perked up a bit. "So, you'll support me when I decide to become a comedian?"

You were unable to stifle your light laughter. "Yes, fine, fuck it. I'll be the loudest one laughing at all of your shows."

Dylan squeezed your hand back because he knew exactly how reluctantly true your words were. "Don't worry, I promise not to put you through that."

"Thank you."

"So, how have you been?"

"No."

"Oh, come on," Dylan said as he playfully poked your side. "I'm not gonna be the only one exposing my feelings."

You sighed and then hesitantly nodded. "Okay, okay."

The truth was you had been far from good lately. Your life was moving, but for some reason, you felt like you weren’t moving with it.

You felt stuck.

Stuck in a confusing mindset where you had absolutely no idea what you wanted to do with your life. You thought that identity crises usually happened in high school, but apparently, yours had come five years late. But, you knew that this delayed identity crisis had been your own doing because you had convinced herself that you would figure everything out once you were in college; and you were both lucky and smart enough to receive a full ride to UCSB.

And although you were finishing up your Master's degree in Creative Writing and had a TA job at the university with the department, which was the reason behind why you could even pay for the Master's program, something in your "should be great" life simply did not feel right.

However, you felt absolutely terrified to say any of that out loud because admitting it would only finally make that statement a wholehearted truth, instead of just a spiraling thought in your mind. And even though Dylan was your best friend and you knew you could tell him anything and not receive any sort of judgment, it still felt hard to let the words leave your lips.

You thought about the way to perfectly word everything, but nothing felt right. You pulled your hand away from Dylan's and covered your face as you let out an exasperated breath. "I can't figure how to say it all."

Dylan placed an arm around you and then mimicked the same question you had asked him not too long ago. "What are you feeling right now? In this moment?"

You would have both laughed and smiled at the fact that he was using your exact words if the current circumstances were different.

"Scared," You finally said, your voice barely above a whisper. "I don't know what the fuck I wanna do anymore, and actually, I don't think I really ever did. I only went to college because of the scholarship, and I convinced myself that I would figure my life out when I got there. And for a while, things felt right because I found creative writing and genuinely enjoyed it, but something doesn't feel right anymore. And I actually do like school. Because it's stable, and I am doing things, even if it's taking a dumbass test. But, it's about to be over soon, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do."

Your words were coming out like vomit, and nothing could stop it because finally, everything you had been feeling for so long was out of your head and put into the open.

"And don't get me wrong, I do love to write, but I don't know, I just can't see myself doing it for the rest of my life," You admitted and then let your next words come out quietly. "Honestly, I can't see myself doing anything. I'm so unhappy here."

You did not say it aloud, but you didn't think you were ever fully content there. Aside from Dylan and your parents, you never truly liked California. You had grown up there all your life, and although there were millions of people that adored the state, you felt the exact way someone from a state like Wyoming probably felt.

Dylan did not verbally respond to your long confession at first; instead, he simply pulled your confused and stressed self in for a hug, and you let out the simultaneous sigh and breath that you had been metaphorically holding in for years at this point.

"Maybe you should take a break," Dylan finally said; his arms were still around you, an action that made you feel completely comforted. "Right after high school, you went straight to college, and I don't think you've ever really taken a break to really think about what you actually want. Like, maybe, it's becoming a zookeeper."

Your laugh was slightly muffled by the fact that your face was pressed into the warmth of Dylan's chest. "Zookeeper?"

"I don't know," He laughed too. "You said you would support me in whatever the fuck I decide to do, and I'll do the exact same for you."

Somehow a smile found its way on your face. "A zookeeper and a comedian. What a fucking dream team."

Another laugh fell from Dylan's lips. "The best fucking dream team."

"But, honestly, I wish I could've known sooner that this is how you've been feeling. I would've been telling you to slow down so long ago, but you seemed content with everything," Dylan told you and gave you another light squeeze. "Please take a break and don't stress yourself out over the future when your next semester is over. Just relax for the first time. You can even come stay with me in LA for a little bit if that's where you wanna take your break. I'll be here for you, Y/N. Always."

Something about his words hit you hard. The wholehearted honesty and sincerity behind his statement shouldn't have surprised you, but it did. And the worry he had for you resembled the same concern you had for him when the accident happened. You two were best friends, so it should not have been a shock that you would worry about each other, but still, in that moment and for you, it was shocking because it felt like so much more than just that.

"Me too," You whispered, finally responding to his previous statement.

The long embrace came to an end with you being the one to pull away; however, you did not pull away far enough for you both to become completely detached from one another. Dylan's arms were still around your waist, and yours were still around the nape of his neck, and your faces were dangerously close. Your hand somehow took on a mind of its own as it reached around and cupped Dylan's cheek. The miniscule confusion and tickle of panic that began to prick at the back of your mind because of the action were not enough to make you pull away.

The slight way that Dylan leaned into your soft touch was the catalyst for you to take the leap and lean in the tiniest bit to close the small distance between the two of you, your lips almost too easily finding his. The inward sigh of contentment you emitted when Dylan almost immediately kissed you back made you realize that kissing him was the one thing currently happening in your life that actually felt right.

Later, when thinking back to that specific moment, you would wonder if that "rightness" had always been there between you both.

However, that right feeling, which was both comfortable and familiar, was quickly replaced with dread and angst, at least on your part. Your mind was beginning to fully catch up with your actions, and it immediately told you that the current action was both bad and stupid, and there were many, many reasons that proved that.

Maybe there were moments where a younger, and even present-day, you did want more to happen between you and Dylan, but you would always push that thought away because you knew that your and Dylan's friendship was so much more valuable.

And then it was the fact that your lives were nothing alike. Even though you were immensely confused about where your life was going, you could say for certain that it wasn't going in the same direction as Dylan's; an acting career that he genuinely loved and enjoyed too much to truly give up. Something deep down told you that, and you could feel the truthfulness behind the thought. The holidays were the only time your lives would truly intersect.

You abruptly pulled away, not just from the kiss but from Dylan's body entirely, moving to the edge of the bench you were on. Your hands covered your face in nothing but pure embarrassment and regret, and you wished that you could take back the last minute and a half of your life. And you also absolutely hated that you couldn't help but notice how much colder your body felt now that it was away from Dylan's.

"Oh my God. I'm sorry. Fuck. That kiss— it was a mistake. I'm really sorry." Your words came out rushed and fumbled, and it probably did not make much sense, but you just hoped that there was at least a little bit of coherency with them.

As much as you wanted to look at Dylan, you refused to do so because you knew that you would only see the regret you were feeling written clear across his face.

"Hey, it's okay, Y/N. Everything's fine. Don't worry," You heard him say but could hear the uncertainty in his voice as if he really didn't know if everything truly was fine. And you knew that it wasn’t. It really wasn’t.

The holidays were the only time your lives would truly intersect, and you had just completely ruined that.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

let me know your thoughts <3

((((already potentially thinking about doing a part 2 to this….. but idk…))))

[kimageddon]

A Prince of Dathomir - Chapter 68

-|- Page header by space-b33 -|- Banners and headers by canesjedi31 -|- Masterlist -|- Prince of Dathomir Masterlist (Maul x Nightsister OC) -|- Check out my : Ko-fi / AO3 -|- Prompt Challenges -|- Join my tag list -|- Contains/Warnings: flashback trauma, child abuse etc Chapter Summary: Zaiya gets aquainted wth the clones and visits Maul. Notes: HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! In case you haven't already seen, I have posted the One Year special on my page, it is a separate story to this one, so head to my profile and look for the one titled "Punishment". It's Explicit so please be advised of that. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was a much different feel to the other fic haha. This one ended on a bit of a sad note but it's at least in the past. I am very excited, one year! Wow! My life is very different but I am still enthusiastic about this story and I want to keep writing it and the other ones I have in the works. As for next week, the chapter will be titled 'Bide' as in biding one's time. We will se some more clone shenanigans and check in with the Bad Batch, how are they doing I wonder? There are a lot of clones and so little time! As always, I would love your feedback, comments, likes etc both of this and the one shot I wrote. I like to know what you guys think. Did you like it? Do you want more like that or maybe a different type of one shot in the future? Let me know!

Until next week! Stay safe, be well! <3

Infiltrated - Part 2

There were still a few looks sent her way, and even from a distance. She stood out among all the tall men standing around in armour; she wore more than white or black for starters. She found herself interested in more than just the training rooms, walking with Jango through the facility until he got a call on his commlink. He stepped away for a while leaving her to continue alone.

There was one of the mess halls ahead. Zaiya suspected Tipoca City was not created as a military base, so the open ceiling with interconnected transparisteel walkways were not so odd. The white doors opened and she found herself among many different troopers, mostly in fabric cadet apparel, some still had their armour on. Her gait was slower as she watched the clones around her, and they were watching her. Though, perhaps outright staring would have been a more accurate term. The men’s heads turned in her direction and she heard whispering begin. Hm, perhaps the mess hall was not the best location for her to explore just yet.

“What are you doing?” Zaiya paused in her step and looked to the sound of the voice, her tattooed lips parted in a smile.

“Hello Alpha.”

“Hi. What are you doing?” he repeated, clearly irritated.

“Looking around,” she replied lightly with a tilt of her head.

“This isn’t some experiment or art gallery,” he snapped back.

“They taught you what an art gallery was?” Zaiya asked, though he didn’t seem to appreciate the diversion from the topic at hand.

“They are all staring at you.”

“Oh I know,” she grinned like a tooka that caught the nuna and the big man jerked his head slightly toward the other clones.

“Is that why you’re here? To get some attention?” Her eyes narrowed at him, he seemed angry though she wasn’t sure if it was her he was actually angry at.

“Did you come just to make me feel welcome?” she asked, his frown deepened. “I appreciate that, Alpha, very sweet of you.” His lip curled this time and she leaned forward. “What’s that? You’ll eat with me? Oh, aren’t you such a gentleman!” With a roll of his dark eyes and a scoff in the back of his throat, he turned away. Zaiya let out a laugh that seemed to catch the attention of a few clones nearby. She liked him, he didn’t react much but it was amusing all the same. He seemed to find her not worth the effort and returned to his own task. She turned away from his retreating back and was about to head out again when she heard--

“Are you coming or what?” She turned back to see Alpha looking at her expectantly. Well now. She hadn’t thought he’d take it seriously. She chuckled to herself and stepped over. Zaiya slid into the seat opposite Alpha and smiled widely. He gestured to his brothers beside him. “This is Jax and Colt,” he gestured to the two clones beside him and she nodded in greeting.

“Siren,” Zaiya smiled before looking back at Alpha, “and here I thought you were running away,” she said with a laugh.

“I don’t run, especially not from some little bog witch.” Zaiya raised a brow at him, “Oh right, fen witch.” She just nodded in approval at his correction. He began to eat, rather quickly she noticed and looked away out of consideration. She also just wasn’t a fan of watching people eat.

“That’s the best you can come up with?” she raised a brow at him with mild amusement. “Scary Captain Alpha Commando and you want to trade petty insults?”

“Or you could eat,” he shrugged. Jax chuckled and leaned in to listen.

“Mm, perhaps, though I would have to check what it’s made of.”

“Not suitable to your palate, Princess?” Alpha snorted.

“Carnivore,” she replied, curling a lip and pointing to her fanged teeth.

“I thought Fett said you were at least half Mandalorian, so that’s half human, right?”

“Look at you, paying attention…!” she praised with a little laugh. “Though I’m limited to what I can eat.”

“Like rancors.”

“Like rancors,” she confirmed with a nod. After a beat she smiled, she could feel it, they were gagging to ask her. The first question came from one of his brothers, listening in.

“So why are you here?” Colt asked.

“You mean on Kamino?”

“Yeah, why did you choose to work here of all places?” he clarified.

“Well,” She rested her chin on her hand for a moment in thought, “Jango is an old friend… and… well I needed the work.” She didn’t really want to lie to him, though she couldn’t tell him the truth, “I have my reasons.”

“Uh-huh.” Jax looked her over and after a beat asked the question she had been expecting first. “What’s with the eye?” She chuckled and leaned back in her seat.

“There was a really, really aggressive tooka--”

“Are you going to answer any of our questions properly?”

“There are some things I can’t answer, some things I can,” she replied with a sigh.

“So which half was Mandalorian?” Colt interrupted.

“My father,”

“So your mother is--”

“A Nightsister, yes,” she gestured to her face and tattoos.

“How did that happen?”

“I’m… still figuring that out.” It was odd to answer so many questions and she wondered why she felt so willing to tell them so much. There was an odd sense of comfort around them.

“If you’re a zabrak…” Alpha started, gesturing his fork at her, “where are your horns?”

“Nightsisters are a little different, when we are born they are the same as most Zabrak of Dathomir, brightly coloured, no tattoos and little nubs where the horns grow into.” She gestured to her pale skin and tattoos on her face, “when we reach around a year or so, we undergo a sort of ritual. For the males they have dark tattoos all over them, predominantly around the neck, back and hands, the females of our clan have more drastic changes.” She sat back and gestured to herself in a sort of illustrative point. “Our skin is paled, and hair too, our horns are removed and our tattoos are less predominant but also extensive.” Colt made a face, he almost looked horrified.

“Are you serious?”

“What, that’s worse than being genetically modified and grown in a vat to be cannon fodder? Cos that sounds worse to me,” Zaiya retorted and his mouth shut quickly.

“That’s… fair…” Though he didn’t seem convinced.

“You said extensive tattoos…” Jax continued with the line of questioning, “you have more than the ones on your face?”

“Yes I do,” she nodded.

“Can I… uh…?” he gestured to her and looked confused at her sudden shocked expression. Though it was only for show.

“Oh my-- Trooper… you want me to…? Here…? In front of everyone? How scandalous!” she teased and the clone seemed to realise what he’d implied and his eyes widened and his fork clattered onto his tray.

“That--that’s not what I meant!” he stuttered, “I just… I didn’t mean--!” his face darkened only the slightest but he was clearly flustered and embarrassed.

“Weeell, I suppose I can’t blame you… how many women have you met outside the Kaminoans?” He seemed to get even more flustered at that, “I wouldn’t suggest asking anyone else though, they might not take it so well.” She rested her chin on her hand, a look of amusement on her face.

“Wow, Jax, what a go-getter,” Colt sniggered, Alpha was nearly done with his meal, and was mostly unmoved, but Zaiya was sure that she saw him smirk ever so slightly.

“That’s not what I meant!” Jax insisted again, smacking his hand on the durasteel table. Zaiya let out a soft laugh and stood.

“Of course,” she replied unconvincingly, “but if you will excuse me, gentlemen, I will get ready for the next training session.” She felt eyes on her but didn’t let it affect her, “I look forward to our next encounter.” She turned only to find a cadet, or rather, two cadet’s in her path, staring at her. Both were shorter than the others, clearly not at the full stage of their growth cycle, and while they looked the same, their demeanours were different. One looked at her with big wide eyes and the other seemed nervous. She looked them over for a moment and after they didn’t say anything, her head tilted.

“Is there a reason you’re looking at me like that, cadet?” she asked the one with large eyes. He had a giddiness about him, like he was about to start vibrating on the spot. He jolted as she addressed him and his comrade stepped back slightly, like he hoped not to be noticed by her.

“I-I… uhm…” the cadet stared at her some more, “You’re… you’re really pretty…” he said it like he wasn’t even conscious of what was coming out of his mouth. A second later he seemed startled when the Nightsister was laughing, she had to brace herself against the table while she recovered. She looked back at the commandos with a bright smile, the comment had her so distracted, she didn’t notice the way hall had become a little quieter, a musical laugh like hers was not a common sound on Kamino.

“Jax, I think you have competition…!”

“I think that one’s defective…” Alpha grumbled and Zaiya laughed again.

“Oh he has jokes now,” she grinned and looked back at the cadet, “What’s your name?”

“Oh… I don’t have one, I’m CT-9415 and this is CT-5678 Sir, uh, I mean, ma’am,” he looked just as flustered as Jax had a minute ago.

“Well CT-9415, aren’t you a sweetheart…?” She could almost feel Alpha rolling his eyes, “but you have somewhere to be, do you not?” she raised a brow and tilted her head again.

“I-- uh, yes ma’am,” he nodded.

“Off you go then,” she gave a gentle ‘shoo’ gesture with her hand and watched him be pushed away by his brother until they left the mess hall completely. Zaiya let out a chuckle, “oh, that’s so cute.”

“You shouldn’t encourage them,” Alpha snapped, standing from where he had been seated, “besides, it’s only because you're the only female he will have seen other than the long necks.”

“Yes, I know, Captain,” she nodded and looked at him, “I might only have one eye but I’m not blind, I know what I look like.” She shrugged and he frowned. She’d already been delayed enough and had to return to meet Jango for a debrief before the next training session; she had plenty to learn before she could implement her own ‘lessons’. With another nod in acknowledgement she departed the table, something in her presence making the troopers step aside as she walked through. She had a bit to get used to, but if the comments were going to be along the same vein, she wouldn’t mind so much, she’d been called worse before.

----

As it turned out, there was a little more time before the next session and she was eager to return to the other labs where the most important part of her time here was. Nala Se’s lab was not set up for her to have a private quarters, and she had been designated a small apartment-like room on the far side of Tipoca city. It didn’t mean she was going to spend all her time there though, she had far more pressing matters here. The door to the lab opened and she was greeted with the same clinical tables and pods as before, though it was in the secondary lab where her hearts jolted.

There he was. Tubes connected to his organic body, a breathing apparatus over his nose and mouth in the bacta tank, and… his lower half completely gone. Tears prickled her eyes to see his torso floating in the tank, eyes closed as if he were sleeping… It was hard to see him like this.

“This is indeed a fine specimen,” spoke Nala Se, appearing from a doorway on the far side of the room. Zaiya’s fists clenched at the way the Kaminoan spoke of the Prince.

“He is very strong,” the Nightsister replied.

“His vitals are strong, if he survived so long as you say… then the chances of the procedure failing, or a loss of life are significantly lower,” Nala Se said in that eerie calm tone. It was alarming, to think she could even suspect Maul of dying was-- she didn’t even finish her thought before an ache grew in her chest and for a few moments she couldn’t breathe. There was a ripple of power from the tank and her head snapped up, distracting her thoughts and from the feeling.

“He is conscious?” she asked.

“Not fully, he is vaguely aware of what is happening, but in a mostly a sleep state, any sounds and lights are muffled.” The scientist paused, “though I have no knowledge of this… Force you mentioned. Spirituality has never been seen as overly important in my research.” It was said rather dismissively, she had no care for the Force but Zaiya understood, he was in a meditative state, he could feel her.

“I would like to be alone if you please,” Zaiya said quietly, her eyes remaining on Maul. The Kaminoan looked at her with the same blank expression.

“Suit yourself,” she replied before turning and gliding away. It was when she heard the soft ‘whoosh’ of the door closing that she let out the soft breath she hadn’t realised she was holding. The Nightsister stepped closer and reached out, laying a hand upon the transparisteel of the external wall of the bacta tank. She felt a ripple from within and closed her eyes, reaching out through the Force, feeling his consciousness, his mind, while he rested.

----

There was turmoil, a fight faded into view, a young Maul using more simple weapons to fight the D9 droid. It was Mustafar again. She had seen so much suffering here, so much misery, so much pain… yet there was always more. Maul was defending with a metal staff, working diligently and effectively, blocking each strike as it came but when one of the doors slid open, the tiny sound was enough to throw him off and suddenly he was making mistake after mistake… a few minutes later and he was knocked to the ground. The boy scrambled to his feet and grunted in anger, he held out his hand and the staff flung itself back to him, in his anger, one of the arms on the droid was damaged as he slammed the staff against the droid’s arm, severing it as the Force ripped through the air unseen, metal tearing and flying everywhere. There was a laugh from the viewing platform, Darth Sidious’ twisted grin could only just be seen under the dark hood.

“Yes, my apprentice… use your anger to increase your power…!” Zaiya felt sick just hearing him speak, and it was only a memory. Her own anger and hatred burned in her chest as she glared at the memory. As she did… his hooded head turned, and he looked right at her. The Nightsister was started and stepped back, though another crash took her attention to see the boy tearing through another of the droid's limbs. She glanced up, Sidious was looking at Maul. Perhaps she imagined it? Or was it a coincidence? Perhaps her own fears were altering the memory.

“Enough,” called the robed man and Maul stopped in his tracks. He looked up to his master and made his way up the set of stairs to the platform to his master’s side. There was a strange foreboding as Sidious began to speak and as he raised a hand, Maul flinched away. There was silence. Sidious paused mid-sentence and stared at the boy.

Suddenly the scene began to fade and the surroundings changed. She now stood in the room she recognised as the tiny space Maul used as his private quarters. It was more like a storage cupboard, she was sure even the Jedi had better accommodations than this. She herself had more room in Hondo’s ship! There was a hissing and she noticed Maul’s eyes open, not quite yellow but not the same blue she remembered. There was a sense of fear in the room, and the small boy she realised was trembling ever so slightly. Something moved just behind her left shoulder and she turned. And froze in place. Even though it was a memory, she recognised the large disgusting bug-creature. It had multiple names but she knew it as a Volopede… a long cable like body with intersecting plates and something like a hundred legs. Spines along its back and feelers as the head as well at twitching mandibles over a beak-like mouth. It was fast, tricky and incredibly venomous, there were two whip-like protrusions at the ‘tail’ end that had enough paralysing agent to incapacitate a fully grown wookie. And this one was crawling past her, along the wall, toward the boy in the bed. She could see him staring at it in fear. The eerie chittering sound began to grow and she realised that it was far too loud. Suddenly there was something in the dark a bare inch from her face and she gasped, stepping back in alarm. It was another Volopede, having slid down from the ceiling on a web-like thread, much as a spider might. She shuddered in disgust but then noticed the floor moving, Winged Goddess’ feathered backside! There were more of them! She noticed Maul reaching for what looked like a knife, under his pillow, readying to fight these things and she felt sick once more.

The tension built, she could feel her skin crawling as she was forced to watch him suddenly jerk the blade up and into the head of one of these things that was crawling across the wall towards where he lay. The sudden movement threw everything into chaos and Maul was suddenly on his feet slashing at the huge bugs that screeched in high-pitched tones, it was ear piercing and had the boy stumble as he stabbed at the bug charging him across the bed. Greenish-black blood and goo and viscera splattered his bedding as the thing writhed and spasmed violently. He only just pulled his hand away in time to avoid the stinging tendrils at the tail from making contact with his bare arm. He hacked and slashed at the things, the scent of blood sent the creatures into a hissing frenzy. They whipped their tails wildly and luckily for Maul, one whipped another and several of the vicious things turned on each other in a nasty fight, trying to literally eat each other alive. Two more headed for Maul and he tossed the knife to his other hand, throwing it directly into the head of the closest Volopede and diving aside to avoid the lunge of the second. His little hands snatched up the knife as he darted past, moving only just quick enough against these swarming insects. If he faltered for even a second, he was dead.

Maul slashed, stabbed and hacked his way through the bugs, using his knife, his speed and even the Force as his weapons. He did not go completely unscathed however, one of the tendrils flicking across his thigh, though just barely. It was a blur and he was stabbing it over and over and over and over. The last one turned into mince by the time the door hissed open.

There stood Sidious with a nakesame insidious smirk on what she could see of his pasty face. Maul looked up. Wide-eyed and shaking. The human looked over the little red zabrak covered in scrapes, bruises, cuts and the blood of the Volopedes and sneered.

“Do not flinch again.”

@two-black-leviathans @fallenrepublick @eyecandyeoz @ashotofspotchka @sitherin-mxschief @littlepossss @octupus-on-the-moon @by-the-primes @justalittletomato @nxctuaryninetythree @mach-opress @mustluvecho @nahoney22 @leotatombs

[bookwyrminspiration]

Idk if you noticed already, but I organized the tags and shattered upside down is now the fic with the most words in the Kotlc tag. While Keeper is a pretty small fandom, with 153k words published that is still incredibly impressive. Depending on how long the story lasts, you might be able to hedge out Passerine. /gen

(And I mean this in a purely astonished way! The fact that you were able to create a long lasting fic that’s over 100k is insane to me!)

I was vaguely aware that it was going to be the longest fic on ao3 soon, I guess I wasn't paying attention to when exactly it happened!!

And thank you!! I honestly loose track of the word count a lot because I'm several thousand words ahead of what is published, so to me the published word count isn't as important as the written word count (which is how I didn't realize it now has the most words, apparently!). Actually now I'm curious I don't actually know what the written word count is atm. Okay just checked and it's at about 165-166k words right now. That's a lot of words! That's about the same length as The Shining by Stephen King (I haven't read it so that means nothing to me but!! that's a comparison!! apparently it's like 450 pages oh wow) Wait hang on I think it's longer than Nightfall--

Also I have to admit I do not know what/who Passerine is. I have...no context for that and don't know what it would take to "hedge out Passerine," but I do know the story will last a while longer! Somehow, I still have a lot more story to tell, I just hope I can figure out how to make it all sound nice. My goal is to finish the au before book 9 comes out, which is November 8th, and i have no idea if that's a goal that'll be really easy to achieve and I'll be done months in advance, or if I'll be scrambling release week trying to get through everything. I should probably update my notes on the story, given that my original plans focused almost entirely on like the first five chapters and I've been just winging it with a general conclusion in mind for months.

once again, thank you!! I did not expect the fic to grow as long as it has, it kinda snuck up with me. I didn't have a final word count goal, but I was comparing it to other fics in the fandom and wondering if I could match that and then...it kinda...just kept going. Honestly I personally find the regular uploading to be more impressive than the length. Like?? I have posted a chapter of the wings au every two weeks since I started on May 7th, 2021. it got a little close in December where I wasn't sure if I'd be able to post being across the country visiting my grandma in hospice, and then the chapter I'm posting this weekend I wasn't sure I'd be able to! I mixed up my days and realized that I was supposed to have it finished by the 14th in order to stay on my preferred schedule, and it was the 14th and I. was several thousand words behind. But! I wrote the entire chapter in like 2 days (though I'm thinking of adding a few scenes now that I look back on it) and am back on track!!

I'm getting distracted but essentially: thank you!! this is really cool to me and I hope to continue to write the wings au and keep it interesting until the story decides it wants to end, but I've still got several mysteries and plot things to get through before that. But wow!! That's a lot of words!!

[drawlfoy]

okay so i apologize beforehand for how long this is going to be but here we go,

uhhh hi! it's you favorite anon! do you remember me? it's been a while.

how are you? i genuinely hope you're doing well and settling into uni comfortably, i really missed talking to you.

i think you're on hiatus right now and might not be checking your inbox, but when you do, i hope this message find you.

so... as you know detention retention is literally one of my favorite fics if not my #1 favorite. if you also remember. i had only read the first two parts and didn't read the 3rd part (the first part of the finale) because i was waiting for it to be fully posted. but sadly by the time it was posted (august 25th i think?) uni was already around the corner and i had to clean my depression room since i have put it off all summer, and by the time i finished cleaning august 28th (yes, it took me 3 days to clean my depression room, no you're not allowed to judge me) i went back to uni literally the next day. and as a college student yourself, you know how it literally swallow every hour of every single day, and i got busy and didn't have time to read it. and even tho i have a quiz AND a midterm this week (and i haven't studied for either yet) i decided it's finally time to read it (also, the ocotber blues were starting to get to me & i needed some kind of serotonin so i don't fall in this month's hole again, gosh i hate october.) sorry about the rant anyway,

i finally started reading the first part of the finale and here are some comments/ notes i wrote while reading that i thought i should share! (btw i read the whole thing from the beginning to the end, but i am only sharing notes about the 1st & 2nd part of the finale since i already shared my thoughts with you about the first two chapters) enjoy!

-the "you’re just kinda not having a great time during this chapter" in the author's note made me giggle loudly, also dark harry??? sign me

tf up (i should note that i am saying this pre-reading)

-"she was at least not going to fail Draco...not when the rest of the world had betrayed him"

s t o p🥺 i always think about that if headcanon 6th year draco malfoy had someone, anyone who cared about him this much and showed it? so many things would've changed. my baby had to go through all of that alone and it breaks my heart.

-never mind harry can fuck himself lmao

-WHAT THE FUCK HARRY??? WHY IS HE ATTACKING US

-"He’d cast a protection spell on her. In the middle of a duel that she was hardly formally a part of, he cast a protection spell on her" it might be because i am mentally ill, but i am NOT okay

-"Her cry of pain prompted Draco to immediately turn his attention from Harry, angling his body towards her instead, an indistinguishable expression etched into his face as he took in the bloodstained white sleeve of her arm." MISS GIRL GO SLOW ON MY FEELINGS I CANT TAKE ALL OF THIS AT ONCE?!?!??1?1?1

-"SECTUMSEMPRA!" OH FUCK YOU POTTER

-"A lump began growing in her throat again as she realized just how lonely she was." haha way too realitable bestie...

-aw! i love the little back story of how we became friends with ron!!!

-STOP YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO MY SUGGESTION AND MADE IT WORK FOR LUNA TO BE PART OF THE FANFIC??? THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY THANK YOU!!! <3

-"No wonder they call her Loony Lovegood." oh hell nah, that is some shit that hermione might say, never us tho. i would NEVER disrespect my girl luna like that

-"I was actually coming here to have a chat with him about you,” said Luna. “I think it’s terribly unfair how your friends are treating you. I thought that Marvin might know what to do. He always seems to." 🥺 uhh you did luna so good & fair in this story! that's definitely something luna lovegood would say

-"My mother had this saying about kindness,” said Luna softly. “She told me that it’s easy to be kind to people you already love. But you can really tell how caring someone is by how they treat those who are different." wow.

-UHH BESTIE THE LUNA PART WAS AMAZING THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO MY SUGGESTION AND ADDING HER I ENJOYED EVERY PART OF OUR INTERACTION WITH HER!!!

-the whole broom closet scene? CHEFS KISS

-"would choose you over anyone else here and that’s scary and ohmygodIcan’tstop--" THE SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT PLEASE

-"using his free hand so he could thumb away the tears that were collecting on her cheeks." MISS GURL

-"Purity" LMAO

-"You have really nice hands" kms

-"Her words stopped abruptly as Draco silenced her--not with his hand, but by placing his lips on hers" OH MY GOD I THINK I FORGOT HOW TO BREATH HELP KAKASKAKSJSKAJSJ

-everything about the veritaserum scene. wow just wow. that scene own my ass.

-"No." CAN I PLEASE HAVE ONE GOOD THING IN MY LIFE?? i am begging

-the part where draco was sending her mixed signals? it hit me close to home bestie😁 i have been, there done that lmao

-THE ENDING OF THE FIRST PART OF THE FINALE BROKE ME WHERE IS MY HAPPY

ENDING DEE???

-oh my god. the fact that you mentioned me at the end of the chapter is making my heart do things sksjaksjsk :( this made me sooo happy you don't even realize, to be mentioned by one of my favorite fanfic writers saying that i inspired them with things in MY COMFORT FANFIC? :( made my whole fucking month. scratch that, made my whole fucking year. this means a lot to me, and this is definitely my favorite chapter, thank you dee :(<3

-------------

-last chapter. god i am so not ready to say goodbye.

-i love ron :(

-lmao it was hermione that i couldn't stand in this fic but now harry is seriously getting on my nerves

-why are we apologising to HER? like okay i get it we have feelings for her childhood bully but it's like we can't control how we feel??? meanwhile she's been a terrible friend to us and that's definitely something she CHOSE to do

-"Now that she knew he only saw her as a friend, it only hurt so much more when he would chivalrously offer to walk her back to the library at night or say polite hellos to her in the halls." BESTIE THIS FANFIC IS STARTING TO FEEL TOO MUCH LIKE MY REAL LIFE HAHAHA I AM NOT OKAY

-"There was this moment before either of you noticed I was there and it just made me sick to my stomach to watch. Merlin, the way he…" Harry trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut. "The way he looked at you. It just boiled my blood." a love triangle with jealous harry and draco??? sign me tf uppp

-"I didn’t know where else to go." SLAPS EVERYTIME

-"I’m not about to confess to you again literally right after being rejected," she snipped back, pulling her hands from his grip in a moment of unexpected humiliation. "I’m not that stupid." this feels like a personal attack lmao

-"I’m kidnapping your mom." LMAOOO???

-not him getting upset that she didn't get that he likes her too like buddy???🤨you rejected her what were you expecting, of course she is going to brush all of these things off because she doesn't want to look pathetic SO MAN UP AND TELL HER TO HER FACE

-his family ring. IM NOT OKAY

-i really love our friendship with ron aw

-"She didn’t know it then, but she wouldn’t be returning. At least not for a long time." why does my heart hurt lol

-She didn’t even get to finish her sentence before he crossed through the door, swept her up, and kissed her with conviction. i am soft.

-"I was wondering when you’d show up," he whispered when he pulled away.🥺

-She shrugged. “Nothing. Just kiss me again.”

"And so he did." i can't believe it's actually over :(

-------------

i genuinely feel speechless. finishing this feels so bittersweet. this fanfic will always have a special place in my heart. the characters, the situations, the feels and even you. it all feels so real and it touched me so deeply. thank you dee for writing something so good that i can use to escape from this world when things get hard.

from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3

sending love & hugs as always x

-🌟

hi there :) first of all, i’m so sorry for how long i took to respond to this! i took a long break from my blog bc school has genuinely been kicking my ass (never take graph theory if you don’t have to 😶). it sounds like you too understand this v well sndksjd. and of course i would literally never judge you for having to clean your room that is v v relatable 😭 i was reading this while i was walking around campus and literally smiling like an idiot the whole time. thank you for making my entire month—i really do appreciate the ideas you gave me for the last two parts :)

how is uni doing ???? is it getting a little better? i would love to hear from you even tho i know it took me a long time to respond (i’m going to be back on this account more!!)

[starship-imzadi]

S2 E10 The Dauphin

Oh boy, a Wesley episode. Here we go boys and girls.

When someone asks you what species you are and then respond excitedly with "excellent" after your reply....it might be worth feeling a little apprehensive.

I cannot express with words how much I enjoy Riker's gentle "dad" moments. Notice that at first he teases Wes pretending to misunderstand even though he knows full well who has caught Welsey's attention. He smiles in a way that almost looks sad, then he gentle explains that she'll probably be to busy to return Wesley's attention.

You had one job Wesley....ONE. JOB.

Data just used "disparate" and it's the second use of the word in this season (Deanna used it before in "The Schizoid Man". I remember because I didn't know the word and so Googled the etymology.)

Worf gets it guys ...I don't know why but...he gets it.

You know those giant teddy bears you can buy at Costco? They look about the same size right? But she has creepy unblinking bug eyes...from an aesthetic stand point this creature feels very much like it belongs in TOS.

Worf turned on here is really funny. It also begs the question of season 7: why was he ever interested in Troi?

Great blooper:

This is the very first time Riker steps over a ten-forward chair! I also adore this scene between Guinan and Riker. It's so much fun. It's also a beautiful match of wits between a man and a woman, equal. Star Trek rarely allows women to be as clever as their male peers, or as frequently. (It doesn't help that there are more men so proportionally they get more screen time.) Riker flirts with Guinan, and she flirts back, because they're enjoying the exchange. No one wonders for a second if either is trying to pick the other up.

This is important note socially and sexually for Riker as a character. Flirtation can be for flirtation sake, Riker is enjoying the practice of flirting, the repartee. If his interaction excludes the physical yet he maintains an interest then those interests are in the intellectual.

Damn this over sized teddy bear bug woman is irritating....and creepy "I will be back to check your progress" that sounds like a threat.

Women and chocolate. Damn you star trek and your sexist stereotypes. Women can like chocolate but why don't we ever see men eating it? (Granted, we haven't seen Troi with chocolate yet, I know. I'm getting ahead of myself.)

Check out those "special" effects....the teddy bear bug got bigger.

The way this is cut together makes it feel so sluggish (although that's the fastest security has ever gotten anywhere). Security rushes in, and just stand with phasers drawn while Worf is struggling against the creature. Picard orders they hold fire, but the order is essentially null because no one has moved to fire even though Worf is clearly in danger. Then the creature transforms and only after cutting to Pulaski and back to Worf and the creature does Worf raise his fist. Because Worf doesn't seem to be in danger any more the action seems to be one of aggression not defense.

This woman/creature's rank arrogance is unbearable. So is her voice.

Troi describes Anya as being like a mother, but as a mother Anya is the worst kind of helicopter parent.

I love that Guinan is like Wesley's sideline relationship coach.

Warp 8.8 a.k.a. get us the f*** out of here

There's a well known phrase of uncertain origins that goes something like: it takes a village to raise a child. Well the Enterprise is that Village and Wesley is that child.

Wow, the woman at the helm is wearing a lot of blush.

This shot from the ground by Riker's knee is not an unusual shot in star trek but it's never very subtle either.

This warm fuzzy ending of making amends is all well and good but please just get off the ship.

Wesley is certainly immature as he throws this little tantrum but realistically he's hurt, feel betrayed, and is trying to cope with a difficult and valuable lesson about superimposed ideas of who another person is. He was enamoured by who he thought she was, he didn't stop to learn who she really was. She also wasn't forthcoming with the information. He says "I loved you" past tense. She says "I love you too" missing the tense difference, or choosing to ignore it.

I really like the music in that scene. The flute and horns (and is that a harp? And later oboe?) give it a light yet emotional and melodic feeling, unlike the heavy overdramatic symphonic choices in the first season. The reason I point this out is it sounds free of the synthetic sounds that are common in the post season 1 soundtrack, so the stylistic change is more than just a change of instrumental choices.

Is that....mineral water? Visually interesting, conceptually boring.

I like Guinan. She's a wonderfully calm voice of wisdom and reason. I wish the writers/show runner had figured out how to use Troi as effectively.

[lazuliblade]

I'm surprised ppl haven't brought up Yuuri's gaming hobby. Imagine him and Yurio playing Smash Bros with Yuuri coming out super savage on cat son. Also imagine the trio doing a let's play of Resident Evil 7 with Yuuri playing with stone, cold eyes while Yurio and Victor are scared out of their wits. Lastly, imagine Phichit and Yuuri doing LPs in off seasons during their Detroit days

(Referring to Yuuri’s Japanese Skating Federation online bio. I added the arrow and box to point where it says ゲーム“game” - gaming/video gaming)

Thinking about it…I’ve only seen maybe one or two fanfiction/Tumblr drabbles early EARLY in the season that touched on Yuuri with gaming and I think I’ve seen a couple of fanart here and there. There might be more now, but I don’t watch AO3 every hour, so I do miss some stories (if anyone knows some good fics on this, please rec them!).

I may not be as avid a player as I used to be, but that doesn’t mean I can’t talk a decent amount about video games~ I’m putting a majority of this post behind a cut because it got a bit long with musing on what game genre and platforms he might play, along with some headcanons.

I’m pretty sure Yuuri’s athlete+student lifestyle would mean the depth of his gaming hobby is going to be similar to Yuzuru’s gaming hobby - perhaps a little more since gaming is Yuuri’s only major hobby, or perhaps a little less now that Victor is spending time with him. Regarding Yuzu, he trains hard on and off the ice, balances university work, is a serious audiophile, and has other obligations (advertisements, ice shows, publicity, etc.). But when he plays games, he’s a completionist. His beloved series is Monster Hunter (check out those links for the commercials). When Yuzu has his foot in a cast, or gets out from surgery and is on bed rest, he says that he catches up on schoolwork and plays videogames.

So I imagine that Yuuri also has little time to be a hardcore gamer, but if that’s his single notable hobby, he’ll probably sink time into games that can be done on the go, or games that don’t require lots of planning and forethought (unlike, say Fire Emblem or 9 hours 9 persons 9 doors). Basically, the ideal games would be the kind that he can drop back into, see what the next quest/next dungeon is, and can get back on track. Games that feature lots of grinding, such as RPGs/MMORPGs, are good because they’re pretty straightforward, have repetitive actions/tasks, and offer a range of options and sideplots to keep them interesting for a long time.

Some games/series I headcanon him playing are Pokemon, Elder Scrolls, some of the classic Nintendo series (Mario, Zelda, and Metroid), some Square Enix RPGs (Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest), maybe the Tales of series, Monster Hunter (super popular in Japan) and he would likely play some phone app games because of their mobility.For those unfamiliar with phone gaming, there are some great developers that are capitalizing on the iOS and Android market, so it’s not like Yuuri would be limited to simpler games like fruit ninja or candy crush – after all, in real life we’re seeing a YOI x Shingeki no Bahamut collaboration.Smash Bros. and Mario Kart would be classic series I definitely see him playing with Phichit too. (I wonder which character he would pick?)Perhaps he would also have FPS (First Person Shooters) on his computer that he could play in short bursts. He doesn’t seem to have a gamer’s laptop, so I doubt he’s serious about PC gaming, but logging in every now and then and doing a few quick rounds in Left4Dead or TF2? I could see that. He doesn’t need to actively chat, and could still enjoy playing with teams - he could be the silent player who makes all the kill shots.On that note–“imagine the trio doing a let’s play of Resident Evil 7 with Yuuri playing with stone, cold eyes while Yurio and Victor are scared out of their wits.”When I read “stone, cold eyes” I immediately thought of this:

He’s got the dead-eye stare thing down.

LOL(League of Legends) and WOW (World of Warcraft) are super popular and have servers in different countries, so they could be contenders as well. He could polish his English here, too. So imagine Yuuri being super good with online slang and chatting. Even though Phichit spends a lot of time on various social media platforms and likely absorbs all sorts of English phrases, Yuuri has no trouble keeping up with any of his abbreviations and random text speak.I’m not ruling out console gaming, but he would need to have a TV to connect to and I didn’t see one in his room - unless he keeps it tucked away in the closet for some reason. Maybe on some nights when he was younger and the onsen wasn’t busy, he would pull out the GameCube or Wii and play with Mari in the living room.I can imagine him living with Victor in his apartment. While some people would share the movies they’ve liked over the years and watch them together on the couch, Yuuri would bring up that he watched much less movies than he played video games. And when Yurio comes over, he learns this and challenges him to battles – where he promptly gets destroyed (just like at the banquet). Yuuri doesn’t mean to make him feel that inferior in skill, but… he has a reputation to keep, he’s not losing to some rookie, and he knows if he went easy on Yurio then Yurio would only get even more angry.Imagine Yuuri telling Victor during breakfast about his progress in a game recently:

“So I was playing this RPG and the ice magic mod that I installed was glitching so that it drained my mana faster than my pots could replenish it even when spamming–”“Yuuri, love, I don’t have a clue what any of those terms mean. Take pity on me and explain them?”

Personally, I’m curious what character archetype he would play as. Berserker? “I just want to smash and cut things up because in real life I get so tied up in details and insecurities - this is a release.” Archer? “I don’t like being in the thick of things, and it’s super satisfying to do a kill-shot from a distance.” Mage? “I love that I get to use something that doesn’t exist in this world. But in a way, it’s like every time I skate I cast magic on the ice, so I kind of like that I can cast magic for real.”Swordsman? “I want to be the type of classic brave protagonist I could never be in real life.”Considering that now we have a collaboration for the phone app of Shingeki no Bahamut (Rage of Bahamut), I’d like to think he prefers playing as a swordsman of some sort…

I’m ending here because I could make headcanons for ages about what Yuuri would do with a game if he played it. Point is, there’s a variety of options Yuuri has if he wants to play games while travelling or training anywhere in the world, and there are certain genre he’s more likely to play because of his lifestyle’s time constraints. Gamer!Yuuri is such a fun aspect to think about.

[generousbouquetchopshop-us-blog]

The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. (NOT tonight - I just mean at some point in our lives - this is NOT a terrorist attack - believe me, I do NOT have malicious or evil intentions - well in my opinion at least, but sometimes our perception of ourselves differs to how others perceive us - but does that really matter? All I care about is what I think about myself) Wait, Hang On I Lied. There's one more certainty in life. That you and I are human beings. (Well, I do hope so. After all, I only know who I am. And only you know who you are) Yes I tried my best to think of an engaging first liner to grab your attention. (And if you're still reading this now - it must have worked!) I was just worried with all the 'clutter' and 'competition' out there that you could potentially miss this. And yes that's also why I have the photo of a cute baby. And also because we were all once babies at some point in our lives (well unless you came out another way which is not a certain opening in a female body) And before you amazing security officers out there, Who work super hard to protect your citizens, Even on the weekend (which is meant for rest with family) (and shout out to everyone in Australia who still worked today on Mother's Day -your sacrifice of your treasured time which could have been spent with your Mother (the technical economic term is opportunity cost - in case you were wondering - yes I know you all are secretly nerds) Will never be forgotten) Ok so back to you security officers Think of shutting this down, I assure you that this is NOT a security threat. It is NOT an act of cyber terrorism. 'So what is it then?' - you find yourself thinking (Yes I am a mind reader) Today marks a turning point in the course of mankind. Today marks a day that hope is restored in the world. What you are seeing today will be written in history books for future generations to come. We will make it in a Guinness World Record Book for 1. The most number of people clicking going on a facebook event 2. The most number of people posting on a facebook event page 3. The most number of people sharing the same message across social media I know what you're thinking. Well this girl sounds 'ambitious' Which were common responses I got Well yes, This is 'ambitious' I think so too But 'ambitious' and 'reality' are NOT mutually exclusive (is this the right term? I always struggled with probability in maths) But it's going to happen - keep reading on if you would like to see how history is going to be made :) (But technically, history is being 'made' every single day by each and every one of us just be being alive - even going to the toilet and eliminating waste is technically 'making' history) Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. (And news outlets out there! Please choose a decent photo of me [ie. not one where my armpit hair is showing] Actually, I don't mind if you can find a photo of me with armpit hair. (Yes - that's a challenge!) (We all have hair - I don't see what's the big deal) (Why would you want to see a photo of me with armpit hair when you can just strip yourself down [yes I put this in just for you - you know who you are xD] and just lift up your arm and VOILA!!! Hair before your very eyes!!!!! ) (I'm actually super hairy In my opinion For a girl) Also, I'm going to keep on ranting about this (again, PMS is a real thing for the female population - have sympathy for us fellas!) Another thing I do not understand is why we must wear clothes And in some places in the world, Such as Australia, We can actually get charged with a criminal offence (and maybe be put in gaol) For stripping down in certain public places (with some exceptions such as nude beaches which are mainly filled with elderly people right now - I reckon we can diversify that a little) And showing our 'private parts' (but are our 'private parts' really even that 'private' after all if we all have them? (well I know it differs between females and males)) but yeah - and some of us have unique bodies - either born naturally or through operations - I respect that - it's your life and you choose how you would like to live it - and which gender you would like to live as and which private parts you would like to have) And in some places like Australia, Myth has it that the bigger something (something in a similar shape to a sausage) is The more masculine a male is Well to me, that's absolutely bullshit I don't know how these 'myths' even originated! All sizes are beautiful to me! Ok, so back to me and armpit hair: I filled in one of my friends' survey about hair and shaving yesterday. Why is shaving a thing anyways? We all have hair on our bodies (well some more than others but we all do) Why is it often socially unacceptable for girls have to have cleanly shaven armpits when they wear sleeveless tops or dresses? And why is often socially acceptable for males to not shave?? Now that is gender discrimination to the max! Why is this NOT written in the Discrimination Act in Australia?? (or maybe it is - I have to admit I haven't read it - and I highly doubt that my fellow Australian peers have either - but apologies! If it is in there!) And on that note of Discrimination, It is so real And close It still happens today in the 21st century!!! Right here in Australia This week, I had the privilege of talking to a beautiful Indigenous lady I've always been curious of Indigenous Australian culture (do you know that Indigenous Australian culture is the oldest surviving culture in the entire world???) WOW Because I certainly didn't know this. If Australia was a person And let's just say I was that person for theoretical purposes I would go around showing that off I would tell everyone I would tell the entire world I would be super proud of that I would make sure the entire world knows (but why doesn't the entire world know?- well maybe it's only me who is oblivious and ignorant and unaware - and maybe all of you do know this - please correct me if I'm wrong) Ok, so yeah. This beautiful Indigenous lady (and I do remember your name - I just want to make sure I respect your privacy before I decide to put your name here for the world to see because there's no way that I have been able to contact you) Said her dream was to become a cook (yes you go girl!) And she applied for a cook job recently. She was called in for an interview. But as soon as she showed up, They told her the position had been filled Now if that isn't discrimination to the max, I don't know what you call that I was super angry when I heard this. Now those of you who know me know that I don't normally get angry It takes quite a bit to get Leeann angry (I give off the impression of being a calm, controlled, sweet, pure and innocent girl) If I was present at the time, I would've taken those café owner(s) to court. And sue you for breaching the Discrimination Act Because the legislation is real and it is properly enforced (well I don't work in the legal field so I actually wouldn't know) But nothing in the world (I believe) cannot be resolved with Honest and open Communication. Just by opening our mouths and making some sounds (I think that's what we call a language), Together, we can solve any problem And we must learn to be accountable And take responsibility for our own actions Like a girl (why do we tend to say man? Are we trying to imply that females are less brave than men? My fellow female population Let's band together and prove them wrong -Trust me boys, you never mess with girls, We will make sure You Rue For The Rest Of Your Life Until The Moment You Die :) [just kidding XD- no I'm not kidding here] Yes, we must take responsibility for our own actions like a girl (I remember seeing a campaign trying to challenge gender stereotypes a couple of years back - that was awesome! I forgot what it was called though but I do remember it so it means it was effective) And I will illustrate this with something we all do -fart. Why do we feel the need to suppress our urges to fart? If you stink up a room with your own smelly gas, Then at least do it proudly! Make it as loud as possible! And admit it was you! And apologise maybe! OR, if that's too scary for you, I have another suggestion which has largely been inspired by one of my close mates (who I'm sure would probably appreciate it if I don't name and shame them - your very welcome in advance =D) This is no magic but You simply tell the person you're talking to or the people around you that you need to fart And head outside To do the deed. Then walk back in. And continue with your life. Easy. See, life isn't at all that complicated is it? (I know! I'm a genius!!!) Prior to my launch tonight, I shared my initiative 'Die To Live' with some fellow peers. I had many people who doubted me. But I also had many people who had absolute faith. Now, I don't blame those of you who I spoke to and doubted me. If someone told me that at Sunday 9pm on the 13th of May, 2018, Hope will be restored in the world, That the world will be changed And that it will be a major event in history, I will look at them And think they're nuts! (And no, in case you were wondering, I don't mean the pecan nut, macadamia nut, or peanut) And some of these people also looked like they wanted to lock me up in a mental health hospital. But what does it even mean to be 'mentally ill?' Am I considered 'crazy' just because I have different opinions that nobody else seems to have? Does that make me 'mentally ill?' (Correct me if I'm wrong, but in my humble opinion, that just means I'm a human being) While we're on the topic of 'mental illness,' Check out the School of Life and one of their recent videos Called something along the lines of - why the modern society makes us mentally ill I watched it over breakfast yesterday and could not agree more (i promise that this is not paid advertising/product placement or whatever we choose to call it) Because it's so good that I voluntarily choose to 'advertise' for them The School of Life does not need any paid marketing (yes you girls are awesome!) But at the same time, Yes, I get you. I wouldn't believe it either Until I see it unfold Before my very eyes Myself. But I certainty would not lock someone with different thoughts to mine in a mental health hospital, away from the rest of society. I would simply respect their opinion, try to understand and empathise from their point of view and then move on with my life. And I also had one special 'case.' You know who you are. You're the person I bumped into and didn't think I was 'insane' but instead thought I was plotting to commit suicide at 9pm Sunday May 13th and then upload 13 videos onto Facebook with each video incriminating a different person who lead me to end my life. -Just like the TV series - 13 reasons why Oh you funny!! (but I'm even funnier xD) But you had faith in me and that's all that matters :D Life is NOT a Television series!!! (For those of you who don't know what a TV is - it is essentially a virtual reality -trust me though, it's nothing special - and you're not missing out - because you're living your own reality instead - and I believe that is infinite times cooler than watching someone else's) But what I don't understand is why some of you who doubted me had absolute faith in science. (I'm not throwing shade here [or am I? - well too bad too sad because you'll never know what goes through my mind] but Shout out to that person I had an extremely heated intense friendly 2 hour banter sesh about science and religion a couple of days ago) Those words you used cut me But I forgive you Because I know you didn't mean it Because, in my humble opinion, science is a belief system in itself based off faith. For example, most of us in today's era believe that the Earth is round. And this is 'proven' to us through science. But until I personally travel up into space and view the Earth from a distance with my own very eyes, I refuse to believe this as an absolute 'truth.' (but even then, I may not even trust my own eyes - they could be lying to me - I could just be hallucinating) We often like to think we are 100% certain of many things in our everyday lives. Perhaps uncertainty makes us feel uneasy. In my opinion, we dislike uncertainty. Which is why we try to structure our lives and lock ourselves in some kind of routine to try and eliminate uncertainty (but this is simply NOT possible in my opinion - the only certainty in life is death - but even that's not even certain) Who said we should eat 3 meals a day - Breakfast Lunch And Dinner (for those of you who don't know what I'm rambling on about - because I'm aware you may or may not have ever eaten a proper meal (yet) - they're just names some of us use to tell ourselves when we should eat) Wouldn't hunger be a better indicator of when to eat instead of locked in time periods? And who said that we should aim for 5 serves of vegetables and 2 serves of fruit per day or something along those lines? (Yes it's a rhetorical question - I know who - 'official' nutritional guidelines or something I think) Because for me, if I know that the only certainty in life is death I would rather eat what I want to eat If I enjoy the taste of it But at the same time, it is all about the 'balance' (as Katherine Du likes to say) (there will be more on food and eating in the second part of my 'story' -I'm not going to tell you all of it now -just to make sure you keep reading heeeheheheee) And who decided that humans should sleep once a day? And it has to be at nighttime? And who came up with the guidelines that children need about 9-10 hours of sleep per night And that adults need about 6-8 hours per night? (Yes I know - it is scientifically 'proven' - but how did you scientists come up with these numbers? In saying this, I have the most utmost respect for you scientists -I'm just curious -it's hard work working in labs -I have some mates studying science/medicine and they tell me about their 4 hour lab sessions When I heard this, I was angry Because That's torture! Abuse of human rights!! Because I get hungry every 2-3 hours!!!) Wouldn't sleepiness and fatigue be more appropriate signals of when to sleep? Mum, I know you will read this. I did tell you that your friend's daughters will probably read my 'story' first Then tell their parents Then they will call you up And tell you to read this. (I wasn't at all wrong about that was I?) I have to main things I would like to say to you mummy: 1. Happy mother's day! 2. I love you Remember two nights ago when I got home and slept at 7pm Without eating dinner? And you were upset the next morning that I didn't eat your food? I apologise again if I hurt you, But I feel like it was not that necessary to 'lash out at me' when I asked (just innocently out of curiosity): Who decided that humans should eat 3 meals a day? OK so back to the science and religion 'friendly banter' I had Once again, the only certainty in life is death. (and I will repeat this numerous times throughout my 'story' just to annoy you - <3 - I challenge you to count how many times I mention that - and maybe there will be a prize for the person who gets the right number or gets closest to the right number! - just like those jelly bean in a jar guessing competitions! - just kidding - I'm not serious on this one - I can't be bothered to count myself - I have bigger fish to fry ;)) People thousands of years back were 100% certain that the Earth was flat. But they were somehow 'proven' to be 'wrong'. Now we (or just me) are 100% certain that the Earth is round. So in my humble opinion, we can only 'disprove' things but never 'prove' things. We merely get less 'wrong' each time round (Manson, 2016) But we are never 100% 'right.' Anything is possible. (Well maybe besides eternal life beyond Earth - but even that is not 100% impossible) So, an anonymous person who wishes not to be named recently brought to my attention how Fast the world is changing around us. For example, Facebook was invented in 2004 - it's only been 14 years - but I seem to hardly remember any parts of my life without Facebook in it) Wikipedia was launched in 2001 (and I didn't get this one from Wikipedia) (I don't know how I wouldn't 'survived' all those assignments without you! Thank you Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger! And bless all you other inventors out there who invented something useful to humanity! Again, bless you all who believed me without needing to see it happen. You know who you are. I will never forget how you made me feel. There is nothing that fuels the human spirit like faith. (unless it's more alcohol) Complete And Utter Faith. Even my mother who raised me for 19 years and whom I crawled out of her (something - let's just say body) Doubted me. Yet some of you had utter and complete faith in me within minutes of talking to you for the very first time. And I reiterate again (mum, I'm not throwing shade at you here) If I had a daughter and she told me she's on a quest to change the world this Sunday at 9pm on Mother's Day, I (I don't know what I would do but I would probably not believe her) So….back to how Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'read' because I am also aware that language translation will be needed. TIP: Try copy and pasting this into google translate! (man technology does wonders!!!) And also because not all of us are blessed to be taught how to read. As to why I chose to use English, It's because it just happens to be the language I'm most fluent in. And also because, for some reason, English also happens to be the 'universal' language used across the world. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'see' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to see. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'listen' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to hear. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'smell' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to smell. (this doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm saying today because in my humble opinion, I don't think we can smell a story??? - well feel free to prove me wrong - nothing is certain in life besides death. TBH (to be honest), I just wanted repetition for a couple of lines because I learnt in high school English, that it will help deliver my message across) And I also say 'eventually' because not everyone in the world as it currently stands has even seen what 'technology' looks like, let alone have access to social media. That’s why I'm relying on YOU all to translate my message and communicate it to these fellow peers. I'm just one person. And I need your help. I can't do this alone (but I will if I have to -but ideally not!) So you find yourself still thinking…. 'Ok, I still have no idea what this post is about.' (Yes I am actually a mind reader) Apologies! I'm only human and I'm flawed and I do occasionally get just a little side-tracked and distracted. You're life has value. You were born for a reason. And I will prove it to you. (Yes - I remember whispering this in one beautiful human's ear a couple of days ago. This beautiful human was so selfless and looked out for me when I was not in the best state of self (this hero walked into the female toilets since I was chundering and got kicked out of security guards as a result) (this hero was prepared to take me home on a 1.5 bus ride at like 11pm at night towards a direction which was completely opposite to where he/she lived) (and this hero probably got some of my churned up mix of food and alcohol on them too - soz) (and I apologise again for that other beautiful human who I chundered on their hand -soz not soz - HAHAHA -I do mean it when I say that (now you're probably wondering which part I'm referring to [well you'll never know! Heheee - <3] ) And thank you to you too! You know who you are! I love our long-as text message chats! And that card you wrote me for my 18th last year -those words really touched me Even though we meet up like once (ok I may be using hyperbole here - I'll say twice) a year, You mean the world to me To me, friendships and relationships in general are much more than hanging out in real life, To me, friendships and relationships are more about having that emotional/spiritual connection with another human being To me, friendships and relationships are not defined by physical presence (although I do believe hanging out in real life is nice too - but life sometimes takes us in different directions - and that is not always possible) You may love another person dearly, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to be together with a physical presence. 'True' love, in my opinion, is when you genuinely want the best for the other person And being genuinely happy to see them happy Yes that night at Metro Theatre in the city, I got kicked out by security guards within 30 minutes of going inside for a combined university event. I think (and you never trust a drunk person's memory) I had about 11 shots of straight vodka that night (looking back, that was not the best idea) Those security guards who kicked us out were not the nicest people. I know that Deep Deep Deep Deep Deep Down That you guys are beautiful people - just please bring it to the surface and show it to the world You could've been a lot more nicer. After I got kicked out and as I was walking towards Maccas (yas I love you maccas - happy meals were my childhood - why are soft serves $0.75 now? They used to only be $0.30! Inflation is a real thing! That's why I love economics! - I'm expecting a massive surge in economics students both at high school and university heheehee - economics teachers and lecturers - you are very welcome XD) In my drunken and semi-conscious state, I remember vaguely rambling on saying things like Why are people like this? Why are people so mean? Why is the world like this? And probably also crying my chunder out at the same time I was always that good straight A studious nerdy student who always did my homework on time and listened to the teacher in class. I waited till I was 18 until I had my first legal drink. (well I did occasionally have some sips of wine at home over dinner but nothing substantial until I turned 18 -unlike most Asian dads, My dad encouraged me to drink at home - he was more than happy! - you're cool dad xD - just wanted to let you know that) I was at a university first years camp when I had my first drink. I remember feeling sad because the alcohol was way too diluted -and I was too 'heavy-weight' -and I couldn't physically drink that much fluid to feel drunk because I was too full Looking back, I was probably drunk and was probably on the verge of my limit But I didn't know because I've never felt what it was like to be 'drunk' Then about a month and a half later, I went to one of my mate's surprise 18th I wanted to 'test' my 'limit' I drank as many different types of alcohol I could get my hands on Rum Vodka Soju Gin White wine Red wine Whiskey Tequila You Name It (well probs besides Maotai which is $$$$ - and we were all young dumb and broke uni students - yes Khalid I love you) And you can probably guess How my night turned out My face was in the bathroom sink for about 3 hours (well it felt like 10 minutes to me but I've realised my perception is super distorted while under the influence) Thank you to those who accompanied me for the entirety or a part of those 3 hours - I'm sure it didn't make it onto the best nights of your life list I remember feeling so ashamed after. I could not stop thinking about it for at least 3 weeks. My reputation! Like most people who chunder for the first time, I vowed that It Wouldn't Happen Again. (deep inside I knew it would because I just wasn't happy and I knew I would turn to more alcohol to distract myself from that constant emptiness but I didn't see another alternative back then) But my brother and mates weren't at all that 'wrong' when they said something along the lines of That's what they all say. Within a couple of weeks (or months - if that detail matters), I Unsurprisingly Chundered Again. And then I repeated what I said previously. And I got the same responses as I did before (kind of like déjà vu) And then the cycle kept repeating itself so many times that I lost count of how many times I chundered Because I stopped caring My 'reputation' was damaged beyond repair anyways And I was happy with the new me (the person who started to care less about what others thought of me) I was always that super good girl who was sweet, nice and 'innocent' (whatever that means) But what does it even mean to be 'innocent?' What's the definition? A lot of my friends had often commented that when they first met me I seemed like an innocent girl then they realised they were 'wrong' like super 'wrong' - completely off Does the fact that I love alcohol And the fact that I've chundered more times than I remember And the fact that I like to squeal at high pitches to the point it may cause long term ear damage (apologies to those people who I have damaged your hearing permanently) And the fact that I really enjoy raves And love waking up to hardstyle music every morning And chucking a phat (someone please explain to me why it's spelt with a 'ph' - I tried googling but I never found an answer - I guess you can't find all the answers to life's problems on google) Muzz To start my day Make me any less 'innocent'? OK so back to that night I got kicked out of Metro Theatre. It was that night when I realised you beautiful humans had my back. And I will forever have yours too. You are all beautiful. And I still remember that night like it was tonight. And I will never forget it. It is around 9pm here where I am in Sydney, Australia right now. There are approximately 7.6 billion people in this world (rounded to 1 decimal place and 2 significant figures - or 'sig figs' - I'm not talking about the dried fruit here) (according to the World Population Clock at 12:18pm yesterday - Sydney time) I may just be one girl. But one girl can change the world. If you don't believe me, I will prove it to you. (200% guarantee Just take a screenshot of this message When you visit me in gaol/jail [depending on where you live in the world] Effective for one year within today HAHAHA in case you haven't realised already, I'm only kidding) Why must we rely on legal systems and laws to protect ourselves from lies? Why can't we rely on trust instead? I realise that it's probably impractical to scrap our legal systems together -but I do reckon mixing a bit of 'trust' into the mixture won't hurt And I am aware that I live in a hole (not literally) I have lived in Sydney, Australia for most of my life Which I know is not representative of the entire world. Some of the things I talk about may make absolutely no sense to you. But I only humbly ask that you take a moment to understand what some of your fellow peers on the other side of the globe go through on a daily basis or have experienced Even if it is super foreign to you. (If you check up on the news on a regular basis, This should be no different I guess But probs maybe just a bit more 'spicy' and realistic) I'm sure you would like to same favour (or should I say flavour HAHHAH - gosh I'm so funny!) to be returned to you. Can I count on you guys (and the entire female population - I don't know why it's normal to say 'guys' for both genders) to have a read of what I have to say first And try not to act on any prejudice or judgement Before you decide to shut it down? Yeah, sorry, I got a little side-tracked again So… The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. So what is the point of staying alive now if it's all going to come to an end? Why are we living to die instead of dying to live? All of us have a mother. (assuming you are all humans like me and started with 'something' that happened between a male and female) I love my mum. Without my mum I wouldn't be here tonight. Without my mum I wouldn't have the opportunity to connect with you tonight. Without my mum you wouldn't be reading this tonight. In Sydney, Australia, Today is Mother's Day. And it's no coincidence that I've chosen this day to connect with you. This is because today we show our appreciation for the beautiful and incredible woman who brought us into this world, whether she is here with you or not today. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who sucked up the discomfort of having a massive bulge sticking out of her belly for 9 months. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who suffered physical pain and bleed from childbirth. I don't think there can be any other pain greater than the pain of childbirth (well I haven't given birth so I guess I'm not qualified to say so) (Yes the cute baby photo was specifically chosen to capture your attention) Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who blessed us with a life full of opportunity. Mother's Day is today, in Australia. Why are we on social media? And I am no hypocrite here. Why am I myself on social media tonight? Why have we felt the need to create a 'Day' for all our 'Mothers' out there? Is it because, without a 'Mother's Day,' we will forget to love our 'Mothers'? Shouldn't our mothers be appreciated every single day? (Same for all the 'Father's' out there!!! I love you Dad) In the past, all I did for Mother's Day was go to the shops and buy a box of chocolates or some flowers or whatever was on "Mother's Day Sale." But I've realised there are many things that Money Cannot Buy. (feel free to prove me wrong here) There are many things that cannot be Bought And Sold Based on demand and supply on a Market (Yes I love economics!!!) Love. Time. Purpose. Faith. Hope. Life. The List Goes On And On . . . In my humble opinion, I feel like some meaningful celebrations have been overly commercialised in some 'developed' countries. I feel like Christmas Day is more about buying presents and decorating the Christmas tree. I feel like Easter Day is about eating chocolate shaped in an oval egg shape (or bunny or whatever fancy shape chocolate is moulded into to make it more appealing to buy and eat and make it seem different but at the end of the day it's just chocolate - well maybe different in the sense that it has differing percentages of cocoa content - I'm personally a big fan of dark chocolate! - I reckon 70% is just 'perfect' - well just 'right' - because nothing is 'perfect' but also nothing is 'right' - so yeah, I just contradicted what I just said). I feel like ANZAC Day is more about eating ANZAC cookies and buying things with the Australian flag printed on it. And I feel like Chinese New Year is more about receiving free money from relatives (as long as you are unmarried). Now, I'm not suggesting that you should all divorce or remain single for life and go become Chinese. I'm just telling you about my 'blood nationality' and our culture. Also, while we're on the topic of marriage, I am not at all against marriage (I think marriage is wonderful and Western white wedding dresses are super beautiful on brides), in my humble opinion, I don't really understand the point of marriage? To me, Love is about remaining loyal both physically and emotionally to another human of our own choosing (in my opinion, regardless of gender). Personally, I don't see the need to have my 'love' with another human solidified by the legal system under a notion called 'marriage.' I believe if we truly 'love' another person, We should be able to trust them to remain loyal (both emotionally and physically) to us without protection under the legal system And live together happily ever after (Yes I'm a big dreamer and lover of Disney and I believe in happily ever after fairytale endings with my Prince HEEEHEHEE) And, while we're on the topic of Princes and Princesses and fairytale endings, (I know we all love a good romance on such a dark, romantic night here in Australia and most stories told through mediums such as books and movies tend to have at least a touch of love in them And some have a bigger focus than others *Cough* *Cough* Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet) One of my favourite TV shows (back in the day I still used to watch TV) was the Bachelor/Bachelorette <3 But now I prefer to live in my own reality TV show instead of watching another's on an electronic screen To my Prince out there, (yes you know who you are) Who wishes not to be named (and shamed - hahah just kidding - Well, hopefully you don't find what I'm about to say to be too embarrassing) The way I fundamentally feel towards you has not changed one bit And I'm not talking about hate here (jokes! I lied! I actually feel even stronger towards you now <3) And gosh, No other human on Earth has ever made me cry as many times as you have. No one can compete with how many rivers on Earth I've filled with my salty tears. (everyone else reading this, please don't try to break the Guinness World Record here - I reckon I've had my fair share of tears and breakdowns) And I meant it when I said nobody has ever made me feel this way. (or something like I've never felt this way towards somebody - or the other way around - well I guess that's not important) (and well I guess it does make sense that everybody feels differently towards each person because they're different people) -that paragraph was very coherent - I know I've already told you this directly but repetition surely doesn't hurt! Thank you for always considering what is best for me in everything you've done. (Well I hope that's what you've been doing - only you know what's going inside that interesting head of yours) Thank you for teaching me the importance of honest and open communication. I would never forget that night when you asked me out in the most romantic location one could possibly think of. (Solid memz) (And great place IF we have any future anniversaries) Thank you for all the 'fun' experiences we've shared together (Yes you know which one I'm referring to in particular ;)) I hope we have many more nights just like that (well maybe just a bit more) You're a Tim Tam Because You're Simply Irresistible And you know which Guinness World Record of mine (or personal best) I would like to break ;) (please don't go finding another planet to live on to get away from me) And I love how we always go 'hunting' for the same places when we're out and about in public ;))))) I also would like to say that I miss you. A lot. <3 (AWWWWW) And I've been thinking about you A lot. (AWWWW) And Just like how I've previously never envisioned a life without a uni degree till this Monday, I've never been able to envision a life without you in it (and I probably won't be able to - but nothing is certain besides death - so I could be wrong I guess) I was never quite a full believer in soul mates Until I met you There was always a 'mystical' feeling I felt around you. I never understood what it was Until now I thought it was just 'lust' Or you were just secretly a 'fuckboi' (whatever that means) But I realised it was much more than that. OK, that's the last (massive) chunk of cheese I'm feeding you guys (for tonight). And I'm sure the rest of you have eaten enough cheese for the day. And I don't want to make you puke tonight. Because that's not my job -That's the job of your significant other <3 I don't know what you were expecting when I messaged you yesterday asking for your permission to have your first name in my 'story.' Well, since you said no, I assume you probably weren't expecting this. (man I had some great jokes I wanted to crack with your first name - GRRRRR) But again, as I have already told you, In this life, If we would like to have a nice and healthy relationship, We must accept the fact that we have the right to both reject and be rejected by others. And others hurt us but we also hurt others. That's just part of life. So, I respect your decision. I had to get that off my chest. Because now, When I'm on my deathbed, I don't have to be wondering what could've been had I chosen to tell you. Instead, When I'm on my deathbed, I can spend my last hours reflecting on what a wonderful life it's been Surrounded by my family and closest friends. Now, I've done everything I possibly could within my control. Now, it's all on you now. And please respect how it's a private matter between us two from now on. Your own love lives are much more interesting than mine. Trust me. Why would you want to see how someone else's story ends (or starts) when you can be writing your own 'story?' So go out there and tell that person you've been wanting to tell how you feel how you've felt all along! Be a girl! Growing up, it was always drilled into me that guys should be the ones chasing girls and girls should not chase guys. And that girls should play 'hard to get' Wouldn't life be so much simpler if you start feeling like you like someone, To say something along the lines of: "Hey. I like you. Do you feel the same way?" Then it can either only go one or two ways (Well we all hope it goes one particular way) And then you can move on happily with life and find someone else who also feels the same way and live happily ever after (well unless you're super unlucky and get a fence sitter And apologies, if that's the case, I don't have any further advice for you - you're on your own then xD) I used to think that expressing my emotions was a sign of weakness. I was 'wrong' (whatever it means to be 'wrong' or 'right') But I've realised it actually takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you feel hurt by something they've done. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you love them. But, in my opinion, by telling others how we feel, It actually liberates us. It allows us to make amends Instead of letting resentment build And then exploding later Like our own internal Big Bang Because in my Theory (I guess you can call it the Big Bang Theory), believe me, in my experience, I have exploded many times (not literally) By letting my resentment build (under the influence [heavy] of alcohol) If you don't believe me, Believe Bronnie Ware!! For those of you who don't know Bronnie, She worked as a palliative nurse for 8 years looking after people in their final days alive. And she writes in her book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying," That one of the top 5 regrets she heard from people with limited time on Earth was that they wished they had the courage to express their own emotions. I used to put on a face and act like something that really hurt me didn't affect me at all. I don't understand why I aspired to be a 'psychopath.' Because a key characteristic of a 'psychopath' is that they feel no emotions. Our ability to feel emotions, whether that be: Happiness Disappointment Joy Anger Resentment Love Is what makes us human. Why do we attempt to 'dehumanise' ourselves? So back to marriage…. Again, I am not against marriage. Well, even if I am, why should you care? It's your life and you choose and how you would like to live it. And believe me, in my humble opinion, life is too short for you to spend a couple of minutes writing a nasty comment trying to convince me of the importance of marriage. (Well if you decide to do so, I'm absolutely honoured! because it means I'm super important to you because you care a lot about what I think) But for me personally, I would just like to wear a nice white pretty long wedding dress for fun and take some photos around my closest family and friends Anyways, got a little side tracked again. Back to the topic: I know that many of us struggle or have struggled to find meaning in life. I'm one of them. And I'll be sharing my story with you. I know if I don't wake up tomorrow, I can Rest In Peace. Apologies, if I have generalised or made false assumptions in parts of my 'story' by using words like "We." I know that there is no other certainty besides death. But sometimes, it is 'easier' to do so to illustrate a point I'm trying to make. I hope you understand. If you don't like what I have to say, you can either (Mark Manson): 1. Do nothing OR 2. Do something I value all opinions and perspectives. I only ask that you do so in a courteous and respectful manner. Growing up, my dad was always the logical one and less of a 'dreamer' than I was. I tried having D&M (Deep and Meaningful conversations) with my Dad but they never turned out the way I hoped. 'Dad, what do you think the meaning of life is?' 'There's no meaning. You live. You die. That's it.' Wow! So optimistic Dad!! I love you Dad! Growing up, you also 'tried' (and I use the word 'tried' because you weren't that successful in doing so) to drill into me that it was a waste of time and energy to 'care too much' about the world Because you said there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept life the way it is. Well, back to Mark Manson's two options, You can probably guess which path I decided to take (and it wasn't to accept it I Refuse to accept the world as it is) To all my fellow peers out there, If I have offended you, please let me know. I am not perfect. I don't try to be perfect. And I don't need to be perfect. And as much effort as I've put it and how hard I've tried to minimise resentment and offense, (Just like how I'm trying to be at the minimum point on the parabola And at the maximum point on the parabola with my impact) I'm only human. And so are you. And to further illustrate my point that nothing in this world is 'perfect' (apologies if this sounds like an essay), My 'story' is not fully edited. I've ran through it once - made some changes and this is what you're reading now. There are errors. There are bits repeated. There are bits that make no sense whatsoever. This is to further highlight my belief that nothing in the world is 'perfect' (or the real reason could just be that I'm lazy and cbbs editing it) LOL DISCLAIMER: I do not accept any legal responsibility for any tears shed Or any laughs shared Or any puke vomited from cheese overload in the process of reading my 'story.' (Oh and in case you haven't realised already It's also R rated And if you don't know what that means Adults only!! - just kidding, anyone can read my 'story') I reckon that our mental state would be a better measure of our 'real age' Because our age is just a 1, 2 (or 3) (or 4) (or more) digit number which doesn't indicate anything about our 'maturity' level (whatever that means) nor our 'wisdom' (whatever that means) You are reading at your own risk. Remember It's YOUR own life. And YOU choose how to live it. (Please show appreciation for the fact that I've been nice and have made this disclaimer at a font size that you can actually see) [Tip: Get a box of tissues ready (don’t worry if you don’t know what tissues are - they just help absorb our tears) You can live without them! Actually we can live without a lot of things If my house was on fire, i know what i would choose to take - nothing at all - nothing but myself and my family - I slept in a room with nothing [not literally] but a mattress laid on top of the carpet on the floor with a blanket, pillow, oxygen, walls, life and I was clothed too] And in case you were wondering, I didn't choose to do that for fun. My house was under renovations for a couple of weeks (we repainted the entire house and changed the entire carpet) And during those two weeks, I felt like I was 'homeless' I can't imagine what it's like to actually be sleeping out in the open on the streets Or being a refugee I felt like I was being kicked out of my own dwelling and I didn't belong - I felt lost and very uncomfortable OK, so here's my 'story'. https://leeannchn.wixsite.com/dietolive/single-post/2018/05/13/Lets-Not-Live-To-Die-but-Die-To-Live