#''music is the reward that dogs like us get thrown at the end of the day'' . hm. is that so joe.
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badnewswhatsleft · 3 months ago
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(x) "my name's patrick and with me as always is joe" 🥹
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dhikrbum · 2 years ago
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I’m a poser: A thesis statement
Im an absolute fucking wannabe, I want to make that clear. Like I listen to punk music, but I listen to every music and if I hung around the DIY scene and shit it was as the mostly normy friend who hung out in a corner couldn’t understand the band and drank jack and cokes while the real punks slammed and shook and rattled in the pit. I was there when shit got thrown at cops, or gas stations got trashed, but I was the dude driving the car and telling everyone to chill and that we have to get out of here or we’ll get in trouble. I didn’t even get addicted in a cool way, more of a strung out alchy no one wanted to be around them a cool fun party dude.
I tried to get married and settle down and the most punk thing about me is that when it blew up in my face I got some tattoos and put together a battle vest to wear my heart on my sleeve because the last time I had my own personality those are the things I wanted to do. I go around in safety pinned patches and ripped up band tees and faded jeans now but I’m going grey dude, I’m not fooling anyone but who the fuck cares? I like the look, it feels like me. Fuck you I don’t gotta justify myself, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m deluded either. I’m a poser, whatever I’m still happy to be here
I’m a wannabe Muslim too, like the total cliche where I read The Taqwacores and some Rumi and House of Birds, watched a few YouTube videos, and took my Shahada. Now I’m a white boy walking around in a Kufi, and when I manage to pray it’s alongside the same two rakat YouTube video I found after googling “how to pray salat”. I ended up cooking myself spam and eggs this morning because “Eh I gotta get it out of the kitchen” and I’m a fag who lives with his boyfriend and has no intention of going celibate.
But I guess here’s the thing, I love *being* Muslim. When I took the Shahada and a whole room of complete strangers rushed in to hug me like I didn’t look like a bum who wandered in off the street, when I read the Quran and say my prayers I feel right. And I’m an addict, I know when I’m just chasing dopamine. This feels like love, and the real kinda love I didn’t know till I met my boyfriend. And so what if I’m lousy, maybe I’ll get better? Maybe I don’t have to? I haven’t figured it out yet. But I keep reading the same bit of the second Surah 2:62:
إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَٱلَّذِينَ هَادُوا۟ وَٱلنَّصَـٰرَىٰ وَٱلصَّـٰبِـِٔينَ مَنْ ءَامَنَ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلْيَوْمِ ٱلْـَٔاخِرِ وَعَمِلَ صَـٰلِحًا فَلَهُمْ أَجْرُهُمْ عِندَ رَبِّهِمْ وَلَا خَوْفٌ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا هُمْ يَحْزَنُونَ Indeed, the believers, Jews, Christians, and Sabians1—whoever ˹truly˺ believes in Allah and the Last Day and does good will have their reward with their Lord. And there will be no fear for them, nor will they grieve.2
I dunno it just seems like maybe Allah in his own way loves posers too. So yeah I’m posting this and pinning this because I want to make clear to anyone who finds this blog that I’m not claiming to be anything cool, or pious. I’m some dude aping Michael Muhammad Knight who’s never gonna be a badass punk or manage strict religious living. I’m a bum who does Dhikr and reads beat poetry and sufi poetry with the same reverence. Who’s trying to pray five times a day and doing okay at it. Who’s trying to figure out what punk means when you’re 31 and the whole world seems like it’s coming apart and I’ve decided to write about it sometimes.
I think thesis statements are important and I think the Quran has the best one. Maybe we begin by praising Allah in their mercy because in the end even the Wahabis and the Twelvers are posers. Maybe the strict Imam at your Masjid telling you to get rid of your dog is a wannabe. Maybe Allah knows we’re all kinda cringe and gave us the Fatiha to remember that they love us anyway.
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falling-pages · 3 years ago
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I know about you: Tamakyo
These boys need to feel some happiness and I'll be darned if I'm not the one giving it to them. This is just Kyoya finally getting his well-deserved cuddles.
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The gang is on the run from people who wish them dead, Tamaki starts seeing things, and Kyoya learns to let himself be taken care of.
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"Kyoya pressed a kiss to his neck to thank him. Thanking him for saving him, for helping him, for making life worth living all over again and again and again every time he smiled."
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Tamaki Suoh x Kyoya Ootori
Genre: Fluff
Warnings: Mentions of riots, evacuation, similar themes.
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Tamaki shuffled in the darkness, groaning when he felt the empty space next to him. The sleeping bag was still warm without a certain Shadow King, but he would have preferred clinging to his boyfriend’s body over all the extra space. Kyoya knew Tamaki couldn’t sleep without tangling him in his arms.
So if Kyoya were missing, that led to two theories: he was in danger, or he was sitting by the fire.
Tamaki sat up and stretched, hand smacking against the knife handle on his left. The first theory canceled itself out simply by the fact of his own presence. If some wild thing had taken and eaten Kyoya, he would have been taken, too. He had never heard of a predator picking and choosing a meal when there was a whole buffet of tents to feast upon. Plus, they had a guard dog in Mori, whose razor-sharp senses had been keeping them all in line so far.
They all had survived so far just by sheer luck and Mori’s instincts, and he hoped that luck wouldn’t end the moment he stepped out of the tent.
Something rustled. A shadow moved in front of the crackling fire, long and tall and bespectacled--
Theory number two, proven.
Tamaki laid back down and folded his hands together, propping his head against his interwoven fingers behind him. He watched as the figure paced in circles around the fire, torso bent at an angle, posture tight and rigid. Waiting for Kyoya to finish, Tamaki turned back onto his side, pretending to go to sleep until his love returned to his arms.
Except, he didn’t. Kyoya sat on a log and bent forward, cradling his head in his hands.
It was odd, seeing him like this. He had a habit of staying up late, yes, but once he went to bed he stayed knocked out until the noontime sun shook him awake.
A streak of worry coursed through Tamaki’s veins, and he wondered if it even were Kyoya sitting out there, or if it were an imposter, a traitor, infiltrating their camp.
He grabbed the knife and crawled out of the sleeping bag, pausing at the edge of the tent. It was half-way unzipped, and through the transparent orange cloth, Tamaki confirmed it was his love who sat dejected and alone just a few feet away--his posture was unlike him, but he was wearing Tamaki’s shirt, and the leather straps from his necklace rode along his neck.
“Kyo?” he whispered, setting the knife off to the side. His voice kept its softness, even with the dehydration. He would do anything to dunk his head beneath a creek’s tide and gulp, despite Mori’s warning insurrectionists likely poisoned all the local watering holes.
Kyoya fidgeted, not sitting still for the first time in his life. It was good enough of an invitation, so Tamaki stood, dusted his hands, and joined him on the log.
“Please come back to sleep,” Tamaki mumbled. “The sleeping bag is cold without you.”
Kyoya smirked, finally looking up at him beneath his thin wire rims. That smirk detailed it was a lie, they both knew Tamaki’s body heat was enough for both of them, especially in such a tight, confined space.
But in the firelight, that smirk twisted into a grimace, highlighting the tears welling behind Kyoya’s eyes, and Tamaki reached out and grabbed him, sinking onto the log and pulling him against his chest, rubbing circles up and down his shivering back until the racking sobs and moans reduced to sniffles.
In his shock, Tamaki could only whisper words of comfort and press kisses into his hair. Above it, though, he knew that Kyoya only needed to hold him--that if he could feel his love, that would help quell the sea of anxiety and fear tormenting his soul.
Kyoya clutched Tamaki’s shoulders, kneading his fingers in and out of the seams of his shirt. He had been his anchor since the day he had arrived in Japan, with his cheery voice and chipper eyes and light-filled soul. Together they were a tangle of heartache and wishes, hope and regret, two young men in love thrown into a world that had once coddled them, now trying to kill them.
Their only hope of survival was each other.
“You know, Kyoya, I’ve been thinking,” Tamaki mused, “and since the rioting, the wanting to eat the rich and all that...since they’ve destroyed our property, I suppose we aren’t rich anymore! We should be safe!”
And just like that, the moment broke.
Kyoya didn’t know if he were supposed to laugh or scoff, but after a moment for his brain to process the statement, he let out a mix of both. Tamaki was famous for his fanciful ideas, but this stretched even the definition of fanciful.
“We are the heirs of some of the richest corporations in all of Asia,” Kyoya replied with a sneer. The teardrops dried on his cheeks. “The insurrectionists are not going to just forget what we look like.”
“They might! Put you in contacts, give Mori-senpai a wig, put the little devils in dresses and give Renge a moustache, we’ll be fine!”
Kyoya couldn’t help but laugh at that, a real laugh, and bury his head back into his boyfriend’s chest. He inhaled that distinct Tamaki smell, expensive cologne long forgotten in their evacuation, that persisted despite the sweat and dirt of a week of hiding and travelling in the forest. It pulsated from his soft skin, and Kyoya pressed a kiss to his neck to thank him. Thanking him for saving him, for helping him, for making life worth living all over again and again and again every time he smiled.
But as their laughter faded, the stench of their situation landed back into Kyoya’s mind, souring his mood. They were on the run from a burning society, and with the next safe colony still so far away, the doubts kept him awake.
“Be serious with me, Tamaki,” Kyoya griped. “Do you really have any hope any of us will make it out alive?”
Tamaki’s smile faded as he searched his boyfriend’s face, looking for the anchor and solidity he knew was there. He knew it was there. But it was hidden beneath that stern exterior, a mask of iron inherited from his father, a trait Tamaki had worked so hard with Kyoya to shatter. But in that seriousity was realism, the sobriety to Tamaki’s joviality, and he knew he finally had to face the music.
“I don’t know,” he replied, to which Kyoya scoffed.
But then Tamaki took his hand and spread every finger, admiring the way the skin stretched around each long, bony digit, how evenly polished and clean each nail was, even in the middle of the woods, how miraculous it was that each tendon could connect to bone that could connect to muscle that could be controlled by the brain, especially a brain as terrifyingly wonderful as Kyoya’s. How every part of him was beautiful, sacred, worthy. How he wished he could fill each insecure crack and crevice with his love and reassurances.
He brought that hand to his lips and kissed every knuckle, gently, like a butterfly landing on a rock. He kept his head bowed but heard the quiet sound Kyoya let out, a sound in between surprise and contentment.
“I don’t know about all of us,” Tamaki continued, “but I know about you.”
Kyoya jutted out his lower lip, unsure of how to respond amidst the tidal wave of emotion ravaging his soul. Tamaki folded his hands around Kyoya’s kissed one, like a protective shelter.
“The others are my family, and I love them dearly, but you are my priority,” he said. “I would do anything to make sure you get to the Akaishi Mountains. If my mother were here, I would ask her to pray. If Nekozawa were here, I would ask him to appeal to every spirit he knows. If I could I would sell my own soul to ensure your safe passage.”
“Tamaki--”
Tamaki lifted his face to Kyoya’s, clenching his jaw with such a chromatic force he could have chipped a tooth. “I love you more than anything, and I will do anything in my power or out of it to save you.”
A log in the fire snapped, but neither man noticed. All was silent in the air except for the promise, heavy and saturated and sinking in the air. They were going to make it. They had to.
“Come back to bed with me, yes?” Tamaki whispered, a yawn snatching the end of his sentence. His arm floated back down around Kyoya’s shoulders, rubbing warmth into them. Coaxing, prodding, as gentle as he ever was.
With the butterfly kisses smattered across his cheeks to accompany the plea, how could Kyoya refuse?
Something tight rolled in his chest, reverberating with every beat of his heart. He was always the one to take care of everyone else, protecting them through influence and power, his family’s money or private army. And yet here they were, all of them, on the run from those who wish them dead because of him--with Tamaki cooing and cradling him, taking care of him for once. Like he deserved it, like it was his reward for all the scamming, scheming and choking business deals he had performed.
So he let Tamaki propel him upwards, pulling him up into the night sky, where dozens of stars saw fit to smile on them as they lumbered back to the tent. Once inside, Tamaki gently laid him down inside the sleeping bag, secured the tent, and crawled in next to him, blowing air onto his chilly fingers. Kyoya allowed him, detaching the lock around his heart and throwing it into the forest beyond.
Tamaki hummed as he warmed the Shadow King, pausing only when Kyoya lifted his head from his chest to press a kiss against his chapped lips. It was so gentle, and rarely did Kyoya initiate affection, that Tamaki nearly cried from the happy blooms snaking through his body.
“Thanks,” Kyoya whispered, laying his head back down on Tamaki’s chest, syncing his breathing.
“Let me take care of you, baby,” Tamaki whispered, kissing Kyoya’s forehead. “I swear I will.”
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canyouhearthelight · 4 years ago
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The Miys, Ch. 111
This may be my favorite spooky story of the October, although I admit it is not the best one of the bunch by a long shot. It is a very-shortened and edited version of “Paid Piper” by Tanith Lee, from her collection Red as Blood, or Tales from the Sisters Grimmer. I don’t own the story in any way, shape, or form beyond owning 2 copies of the aforementioned book (one hardcover, one paperback). I don’t know if the story is in print anymore, but if you can find a copy that is legible, please consider picking it up. The 1983 edition is a retelling of 9 popular fairy tales, and I understand the 2014 edition has an extra one, based on “The Twelve Dancing Princesses”.
Quick shout out to @baelpenrose who had to sit through me writing this and the eventual reveal. ;) you are so patient, lol.
P.S. I am in the U.S, so if you have early voting in your state, please go vote now so you are exposed to fewer people. If you are still able to register to vote, please do. If you can’t vote in person, please vote by mail-in ballot and check local regulations on how to turn it in.
Once everyone stopped laughing, Maverick held up his hand. “I have a story,” he offered. After a brief moment, he accepted silence as permission to speak and started telling his story. 
“In the Muromachi Period, there was a small village named Bodaiju, which lay beside a river. Bodaiju was a prosperous village, for they gave offerings to Tesso in hope that the rats would not ruin each years’ harvest.  One late summer afternoon, the washer-woman’s daughter Himari was stealing a moment to wash her hair while her mother thought she was hard at work.  Himari dreamt of being a priestess in the temple and leading the prayers to Tesso, because the priestesses wore beautiful white robes with wide belts, and never had rough hands like Himari’s were.
“Just as she was wringing out her hair, Himari heard the song of an unusual bird. Following the song, she was surprised to find that it wasn’t a bird at all, but a young man playing a wooden flute.  As he played, animals drew close to him in curiosity, and even the trees seemed to bow closer in order to hear his music.  Himari had seen musicians before - they came every year during the harvest in hopes to earn extra coin by providing the entertainment for the local celebrations.  But none had played such music as the young man before her made now.  Himari’s heart and soul could feel the freedom of the sky and the mountains as he played, and her soul ached to see these things for herself.”
While Maverick wound his story, Simon leaned over to me and whispered, somewhat relieved, “This sounds like a fairy tale.”
I just arched a brow in a way that I hoped he would realize meant Just wait, or at least Really? Are you sure?
Maverick continued. “Without realizing, Himari stepped closer to the musician, snapping a twig beneath her foot as these things happen in stories like this. The music stopped, and the young man looked up at her.  Rather than anger at being interrupted, he was smiling gently. “Who are you?” he asked, as though she were the stranger in this land.
“I am Himari,” she answered. “Who are you?”
“Who do you think I am?”
“I thought it was a bird singing,” she responded, embarrassed. “Before I saw you.”
“The young man kept smiling. “I saw a temple in the distance. Who do you worship here?”
“We pray to Tesso,” Himari confessed, glancing down. “He keeps the rats from ruining our harvest.”
“Does he?” the musician asked before standing to walk away.
“Suddenly terrified, although she couldn’t say why, Himari turned as well and ran in the opposite direction, toward home. Even while her mother scolded her for being lazy, Himari felt she would rather be standing there than be back in that clearing in the woods.
“That night, Himari thought of the young musician. She berated herself for not getting his name, for not insisting he tell her where he was coming from or travelling to.  She berated herself even harder for being afraid of him with no reason.”
Beside me, Simon groaned as he realized what was happening.  Charly grinned viciously as she and Tyche rose to their feet to go back to pumpkin gutting, Conor and Coffey closely behind them.
Maverick raised his voice so they could hear, winking at our partner as the other man realized that Maverick couldn’t tell the story and work at the same time. “The festival of the harvest was three weeks later, and every night Himari thought of the musician. Would he be one of the entertainers playing that year, in the grand homes of the rich men in the village?  Even as she donned the snow-white robes and berry-red sash of a temple maiden - as all girls in the village were until they turned sixteen - she could not think of Tesso, or the fine clothes she was wearing instead of washing.  She could not even think of how rough her hands were when she touched the silk of her robes.
“She could only think of the nameless young man.
“As all the temple-maidens lined up behind the shrouded statue of Tesso that would be carried through the fields by the young men of the village, a familiar tune drifted on the breeze.  As faint as the music was, Himari could hear it as though it were played in her very ear.  Soon, the entire village could hear the beautiful music that swelled impossibly from a single wooden flute, played by a single young man in travelling clothes.  Himari forced herself not to gasp, not to look as though she had met him before.
“Blustering, the mayor asked the musician what he was doing, as the village had already paid for entertainment during the procession. “I only ask to play for your village,” the young man. “For the honor and joy of your people, for the prosperity of your harvest.”
“And you would charge us less than those we have already paid?” the mayor asked.
“I only ask that you pay me what I deserve.”
“After much haggling, during which the musician would only ask to be paid what he deserved, the mayor finally relented - not admitting that there were no other entertainers that year.  And so the procession began: first through the streets of Bodaiju, then over the river and into the fields.  For minutes, or hours, or days, the village marched and danced without feeling weary, without aching feet, following the nameless musician.  That day, the sun seemed to stand still in the sky as they celebrated their harvest for what felt like lifetime upon lifetime.
“But, eventually, every path within the village and every row in every field had been marched and danced upon, and the sun seemed to be upon the horizon after no time at all and an eternity.  The mayor, no less tired than when they began, turned to the musician. “I was wrong about you, young man,” he said. “I have never felt so well after a festival, and you deserve to be rewarded for all your hard work.  Whatever you want, in gold if you like.” Other men in the village clamoured to sweeten the deal, offering bread, honey, wine, fine cuts of meat, and the like.
“But the young man shook his head. “I want none of that,” he told them.
“Surely you didn’t play for free?”
“What I want is better than gold, or wine, or beef,” the musician told them. “I only want your hearts.”
“Incredulous, the mayor started laughing. “Our hearts?” he asked. “Our love? You are a stranger to us. Take our gold, our wine, even our finest horse, but we cannot love a stranger to our village.”
“Unphased, the young man shook his head. “If you will not give me your hearts willingly, then I will take them,” he promised.  Immediately, the men and women of the village began jeering the man, who no longer looked young at all. Stones were thrown at him behind slurs, both striking with sharp accuracy. With a sad smile, the man turned and began to leave the village, and though his flute was in his hand by his side, the music he had played for them echoed on the wind.  With a great chorus of baying and howling, no sooner had the no-longer-young man reached the gate of the village, than every dog from every home bounded after him with the ropes that bound them trailing.
“The air chilled as silence fell over the villagers, now as frightened as Himari had been when she met the man that first time by the river.  In the days and weeks after, Bodaiju was nearly silent and no one dared speak above a whisper.  Children were kept close to their mothers, even as siblings told each other that the musician would come back and eat their hearts if they misbehaved.
“However, as time does, months passed and nobody was found with their heart missing. Lovers still met in secret, and couples still married.  It seemed nothing had really changed in Bodaiju, the curse upon the village nothing but an empty threat.  Over the course of the winter, it was forgotten entirely.
“When summer began, and the first of the births that always followed the festival was stillborn, Bodaiju suddenly remembered the musician’s curse. By the end of the summer, no children had been born crying, and many mothers hearts were broken.  By the end of that year, there were no more births at all, and as the children of the village grew to be adults, no more laughter could be found in Bodaiju.  In the summer of Himari’s twentieth year, the river that watered their abundant crops dried up, and those that could left the village.  Even now, you will find Bodaiju on no map, and none whose family come from there, for the curse of a musician who could find no kind people in a village beside a river. All that remains the tale of Bodaiju, shared by those who left the village.”
Arthur leaned back and rested his weight on his hands as Maverick finished the story. “That’s…. Actually a terrifying idea,” he admitted, seemingly impressed.
Simon groaned again and rubbed his face briskly. “At least if that one was true, it happened a long time ago,” he sighed. “Much less terrifying that way.”
“Because the idea that a mysterious stranger could cause every person in a small village to spontaneously become sterile is so far from reality,” Grey intoned solemnly, gesturing at all of us.  Maverick and I both snickered, but Simon paled when he realized the irony. They gave us a small smile before continuing. “I honestly feel badly for the young man… He just wanted to be loved for who he was.”
“Are you kidding!?” Charly called over. “That didn’t give him the right to take all the dogs!”
That set Arthur chuckling. “Because stealing the dogs was the worst thing he did in that story. Certainly not magical mass-infanticide.”
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hecohansen31 · 4 years ago
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Hey There Delilah
Ivar x Slightly Deaf! Reader
(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!
This is a special reward for @xbellaxcarolinax​​ for having bought me a Ko-Fi!
I thoroughly apprecciate your support with every small cells in my body and I hope that you’ll at least enjoy this! It is rather a small thought for your nice gesture, but I hope that I was able to convey what you asked me to write!
Have a lovely reading!
SUMMARY: Faced with a concert of his brother, Ivar is soon forced to face much more than he thought to find.
WORDS: 2,7 K
WARNINGS: Talk of Disability, Use of The Word ‘Cripple’, My Scarse Knowledge About Classical Music, Insecurities, Brotherly Feuds.
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Ivar really hated Sigurd.
So, being brought to an exhibition that actually was made to honor his brother made him particularly nervous and annoyed, enough that he had tried to fake anything to avoid it.
But in the end he couldn’t say much.
His mother and more importantly Ubbe simply wanted a nice family day, where they could enjoy Sigurd’s talent, without risking Ivar attacking him to stop his ‘annoying sound’ (what Ivar called Sigurd’s songs).
Still this didn’t mean he had to avoid complaining constantly about everything, starting from the fact that they had had to split up in two cars and he hadn’t been able to take the one with the ramp that’d help him to lower himself down without creating a great fuss.
And the seats of the auditorium weren’t in the slightest comfortable, although his mother had warned the place a week before about his needs, to make sure they reserved some extra space for Ivar’s legs, meanwhile the most they had tried to do was to change his place with one in the front row, away from his family.
And eventually he had set himself up with Ubbe obliging Hvitserk to give up his seat which was on the start of the row to allow him more space on his side, although it undoubtedly was still uncomfortable.
He had wanted desperately to throw a tantrum, but he had soon realized that he was already dosed with the embarrass of everyone looking at Sigurd’s little crippled brother.
He already didn’t like the attention on him, eventually settling on disappearing on his seats, halfway through opening his phone to check out a few songs that he truly liked.
But as quickly as he had gotten it out, Aslaug had taken it and thrown it in her clutch, with a seraphic smile on her face and an obvious suggestion of ‘just enjoying the show’ to Ivar, meanwhile the presenter finally announced the start of the musical event.
It started with the youngest classes, moving to the true talents, divided in classical music, modern music and techno music, the only category for which Ivar was curious.
He didn’t have a very musical ear, unlike Sigurd, something for which he admired and hated his brother, at the same time.
Whereas Ivar had always been recognized for something like his battered legs, Sigurd had always had his music and as much as he continued on complaining about how much he was ‘the forgotten’ son of the family, Ivar knew that Aslaug appreciated his soft sound, stopping herself a few moments to enjoy her son’s songs, outside of his door, whenever he played.
Sigurd had talent.
Ivar only a shit ton of flaws.
That was why he had been so against going to his brother’s concert, but in the end, he was there so he could just enjoy it, and although some weren’t the absolute best he had ever heard, he certainly enjoyed a few, his brother included when he presented himself.
Thankfully after Sigurd’s exhibition, which had gone quite well from the uproar of applauses that had started at the end of the performance (although Ivar would have joked, later, with him that it wasn’t anything but gratefulness for having finished playing that damned instrument), was one of the last ones.
It was followed by a small girl, probably just a bit younger than Sigurd and her violin, looking sober in a black dress with thin straps and an updo that showed up her lovely neck, adorned by a few golden chains, thin and elegant.
You looked, determined in your stare and graceful as you bowed softly to the audience, before adjusting the violin, and as much as Ivar had observed you attentively, he hadn’t expected the musical piece to actually involve him or interest him, thinking that it would have just sounded like something expensive he couldn’t understand.
But he couldn’t deny that you got him hooked from the first note of the song, and the elegant movements of your wrist, as the attach was a tempestuous storm, slowly dissolving in a light sound of calmness, completely numbing Ivar’s mind as he felt like he was basically following a story of some kind.
Delving into the darkness and then slowly bringing itself to the light till it reached it, in a shining ending that caught him completely off-guard and he found himself clapping eagerly at the exhibition, much before of all his brothers, who sent him a look as if to say ‘what the heck?’.
But he ignored them, hiding his emotional face away from them.
After everything ended they were supposed to spend a bit of time at the small reception, and although Aslaug suggested that she and Ivar simply take off, the main reason why they had taken two cars, Ivar muttered that he could withstand the torture a bit more, surprising everyone almost as if he had said the Apocalypse would be soon coming.
But truly, he wanted to catch a few glimpses of you, as the classical assemble was supposed to accompany the small refreshment after the musical event and although your music was lightly shadowed by the other instruments he could still enjoy it, meanwhile Sigurd came to get the compliments, being surprised by the fact that Ivar was still there.
‘… I thought you’d have already come home, listening to whatever metal you like’ he had commented, but Ivar, on whose soul your music had somehow operated a change, just scoffed at the suggestion, but did tell Sigurd that his music had been ‘bearable’.
Although his stare was sneakily focused on you.
He had preferred it much more when you had played solo, not because you were any less talented, but somehow the other instruments shadowed your talent, obliging you to keep yourself caged in a soft sound, barely hearable over the mundane chatter and clinking of glasses.
He really didn’t want to sound like a stalker, but he hadn’t ever been one for classical music, so the fact that you could enchant him like that was quite surprising for him, so he just wanted to catch the secret of that music.
And you were quite the nice spectacle to watch, he wouldn’t have denied it.
But all his alarms started ringing when he saw Sigurd coming closer to you, as you finished your exhibition, a DJ in your place, the blonde boy exchanging  small talk with you, as you adjusted the violin back into its protective case, brushing your hands through your updo, lightly messed up by the movements of your arms.
You turned for a moment, as Sigurd probably told you that he had his family alongside him, watching them carefully, as you half-listened to what Sigurd said and for a moment Ivar thought you were his girlfriend.
Which was utter shitty luck.
But had Ivar ever been lucky?
And then you simply turned towards the classic group, excusing yourself, in an obvious rejection that showed up for a moment on Sigurd’s face, the boy clearly a bit annoyed by that but mostly saddened, and then he moved to meet his own group.
And then they had to leave,
And when Ivar looked out again for you, it seemed like you were gone.
Had you been a pretty mirage?
He got the answer when Sigurd excitedly talked about it over dinner, speaking about how cool it had been to performance with so many people, and explaining that they had even had an exchange student from Europe.
‘A true genius of the violin!’ he commented and Ivar’s ears raised up as ones of a dog hearing the steps of the postman ‘… (Y/N) (L/N) she is a professional at such a young age, Ivar’s age!’.
‘Are you implying something?’ Ivar had stroked the banter, eager after he had heard your name, glad to put a name to a face and have something to search up on Wikipedia.
He had said he wasn’t a stalker, but he might have to reconsider that.
Gosh, you were also an exchange student which meant you probably wouldn’t have stayed for much and if you had rejected Sigurd, who did look like an hurt mouse but with functioning legs, he certainly had zero chances for you.
Did it help his mind?
Certainly no.
The multitude of Youtube videos he had found of you playing, instead were nice and he even managed to catch a small interview, in which you looked quite younger, but your face held a strong determination and even more importantly a melancholy that certainly was showcased in your music.
And then he discovered the reason behind your excellent music.
‘… I am slowly going deaf’ you explained softly at the interviewer ‘… a problematic sickness from birth, and although I do know that playing an instrument request desperately a good ear, I don’t have the luxury of it, so I train the hardest to do my best’.
The fact that you had also a disability like him certainly made him reason why you played music so brilliantly and why he could understand it so well, although he hadn’t a single musical knowledge in his mind.
He could relate to your music.
And he fell asleep with one last song in his ears.
With all probability he was in for quite the horrid crush, one where he would have been left utterly broken on the ground, because he shouldn’t have crushed on somebody that had barely acknowledged him and was much more successful than him and that he wouldn’t have ever seen again.
But strangely… Destiny had a mysterious way of fooling us all.
The day after he had been sent by Aslaug outside for a few errands, mostly some at Floki’s shop, since he needed some new pieces for a new tech project and his mother preferred he went by myself, mostly because she wasn’t expert in that.
Floki worked mostly in the boat business, but he had actually opened a small technology shop to support himself when he couldn’t sail or when his boats had to be built, something that mostly his wife took care of, when he was with his boats.
He had been slumping in, having chosen a time where he knew the shop would be desert, entering inside quickly and greeting Helga with a soft smile, as the woman welcomed him warmly.
He passed her the list of what he needed and soon she disappeared in the back, to grab a few things that were in the magazine, suggesting that Ivar handled the shop in her absence, although not many clients would have come for sure, since it was lunch time and nobody…
… and then the door was opened.
And as if summoned by his mind, you walked in.
You didn’t wear the elegant dress you had worn at the musical event, but you still had some kind of grace in your ripped hoodie and giant sweatpants, evidently also not expecting to find anybody at the shop.
The whole concept was simply reinforced by the fact that you wore thick sunglasses.
And Ivar had a fanboy moment.
He honestly wished he could have come to you and congratulated with you, but not only it would have sounded creepy, but Ivar already had trouble with normal girls, think about the cute and talented musician, who made music that spoke to his soul…
He prayed Helga would be back, soon.
But then you quickly came to check out what you had gotten, a couple of batteries, your eyes moving awkwardly around yourself, not moving in any way to meet Ivar till he found himself doing the usual gestures of registering the purchase, since he knew how to do having worked there during the summer.
‘It’ll be 10, 99’ he found himself barely able to mutter, thankful for having basically memorized all the prices and avoiding to stutter and immediately gaining your attention, as your eyes, behind your sunglasses raised to meet Ivar’s.
He thought that you might have been shocked by the hefty price and was halfway through suggesting a cheaper type, although he was surprised you had money problems, but it wasn’t his job to judge…
“… excuse me can you repeat it pronouncing it slowly?” your voice was unsure a bit too high on some notes, clearly reminding Ivar of what he had heard on the interview, the fact that you had slowly been going deaf.
“Oh yeah, sorry!” he commented shyly, realizing a few minutes that he had rambled, but you simply smiled at him “… the price of the batteries is 10, 99”.
You nodded softly, getting your wallet out of your sweatpants.
“… sorry for the inconvenience…” your hands moved nervously in your pockets, probably because you were rushing to sign “… my stupid hearing aid device stopped working this morning, and apparently one can never pack too many batteries…”.
“Oh, don’t worry” ‘and please, for fuck’s sake, Ivar don’t mention that you admire her, she is in incognito mode and wouldn’t let to get recognized so make sure to stop your mind from speaking’…’ “… I am a fan of yours, actually”.
The fuck.
Thankfully you didn’t straight up run away, but instead a small smirk appeared on your face, as you pushed slightly down your glasses to show your eyes.
“… didn’t know that I had cute guys as my fans” you shot, making him blush as his eyes set up on the cash desk trying to remember the code, and his hands then moved to actually accept the money and give you back your change “… but it’s a nice discovery”.
He simply smirked tight-lipped, definitely trying not to say anything else.
But his mouth was too big for that.
And he was too stubborn even for himself.
“I was at the auditorium… my brother, Sigurd, you must know him… he plays at the school” ok Ivar, slow down your words and breath or you’ll pass out in front of her and it’ll be awkward “… I just… I think you are pretty amazing, I am not an expert, but…”.
“It’s always nice to have power of being able to convert people on the light side of music” you replied and he couldn’t help but appreciate the ‘Star Wars’ reference, showing definitely that you had much more than classic taste in your mind “… want to take a selfie together?”.
Ok, you must have totally thought him to be a crazy fan.
“… ah no, like no offense, but… I just…I am not the type” he muttered “… just wanted you to know that although I might sound creepy, I do feel like I can understand perfectly your music and I admire you a lot”.
Your smile became much more relaxed and genuine, almost as if you weren’t the magical musician, but simply a person talking with another.
Which is the way Ivar wanted people to treat him.
“… first of all, thank you for avoiding me the selfie, I am obviously in no shape for it” Ivar would have honestly disagreed, but again… just the strict necessary out “… and second of all, that is what I aim to do with my music and my story. I am glad it was inspiring”.
“It was” and although they were simple words, they were enough for him to express his utter emotion and you straight up smiled back at him, showing him that you had understood what he truly meant.
And in that moment, Helga appeared from the bag, just as he was handing her back her batteries, ready to wish her a good day and avoid thinking anymore about the fact that he had just met an amazing human being.
Helga looked confused but he simply explained that he was taking care of the cashier desk, the woman pushing what he had taken in a box, as if to leave the two youngsters a bit of privacy, and although Ivar’s soul was slowly readying himself for the ‘goodbye’s, you suddenly moved up and said:
“Do you happen to know a nice coffee shop in town? I have been here for three days and I haven’t been able to explore much”.
Now had it been said to any of his brothers, it would have been obvious you had meant to flirt.
But with Ivar…
… one might never know if it was out of pity.
Although he had to admit that she hadn’t seen his legs.
Which was a thing that he preferred to keep this way.
“… ahh there are a few ones, it mostly depends on how much you want to spend and what you prefer…”.
“There is ‘Princess Diana’ right down the road” commented tightly Helga, surprising them both, although you sent her a seraphic look of thankfulness.
“Oh right” added Ivar, not totally sending Helga an annoyed look, knowing that that coffee shop was his favorite for the vintage aesthetic and the enormous milkshakes, but knowing as well that his ‘aunt’ was trying to set him up with the pretty girl in front of him.
Who was way out of his league.
“… then I do think that I’ll pay it a visit but…” and your eyes twinkled over to Ivar “… would you mind accompanying me? I wouldn’t want to get lost!”.
It was obvious now that you were flirting with him.
Although Ivar saw no reason on why a talented and beautiful musician like you might be interested in a cripple like him.
A very rude cripple.
A very rude cripple who couldn’t take a hint.
“… ahem… I have to actually bring these things at home…” he tried the excuse, but Helga, who almost smacked his bum to make him reconsider his wording, moved to chip in sweetly.
“I can set them up on the side for Hvitserk to pick them up when he comes for a new videogame later this afternoon” she explained, as Ivar took in a quick look at the new pieces that he had chosen, insisting on at least paying, meanwhile you told him that you’d be waiting for him outside.
‘Gotta readjust the hearing aid’ you explained, with a bright smile that made Ivar blush.
And when you were gone, he turned to Helga, looking at her in her light eyes and uttering.
“I can’t do this” and then looking at the backdoor “… I need to escape”.
But right as he was moving for the door, Helga literally stopped him with her tiny but strong body.
“Ivar Lothbrock don’t make me slap you across the face” she reprimanded him, looking at him in the eyes to make him understand better what she was saying “… a cute guy that you obviously like, from that idiotic smile on your face, just asked you out and you won’t back off on my watch, understood?”.
“She literally doesn’t know me! And I don’t know her! She might be a psycho!” retorted Ivar, getting an eye-roll from Helga, who breathed out a loud huff “… and she is too much for me”.
“… that is something that she can solely decide” replied Helga, her tone quietening itself “… and you won’t ruin a chance simply for your own self-esteem issues, at least not on my watch, understood?”.
And he couldn’t help but nod.
Although inside he couldn’t help but want to riot completely.
And turn away and run.
But he managed to finally get out of the shop, with one last look at Helga, who held up both her thumbs.
Not reassuring at all.
But he still reached out to you, who had set down on the sidewalk, adjusting a small external hearing aid, in a way that told him that you were used to it as much as your braces.
The first thing that you noticed, as you turned around to him, coming to face with them.
He expected some comment about a problem having come up or probing for more info about them.
Once somebody had asked him if it was ‘infectious’.
But you surprised him again, getting up quickly, without sparing another look at his legs, making him almost confused, as he considered whether you would have run away or…
“… so, where is this ‘Princess Diana’?” you simply asked, a strange excitement coated with embarrassment in your eyes.
And maybe… just maybe he had the chance of making his own music, for once.
---
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randomfandomimagine · 4 years ago
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Games With Trish: The Last of Us Part II
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Granted, I didn’t actually play this myself but watched my brother play it instead. Still, I’m kind of glad he had the controller because the game looks so difficult and scary. Overall, I absolutely adored the game and it has so many good things. For that reason, I’ll say the bad things first since there are very few.
I know this game was very controversial, but this is my personal opinion and thoughts, not facts. Let me know your opinion if you want (as long as you’re kind and polite, please!). 
Long rant and spoilers under the cut!
Bad things
I have two main things to complain about in the game: the violence and its heavy emotional charge. Now, I don’t necessarily hate them because not only does it make sense that it’s a violent game taking place in a post-apocalyptic world where it’s kill or be killed, but it also goes along with the message of hate and revenge the game wants to tell. 
Still, the game gave me a lot of anxiety and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have for this reason. I averted my gaze a few times (when they break Yara’s arm being one of them) because it’s so brutal. I’m also a very sensitive person, so each time we played it was so tense and sad that I ended up exhausted. Every time a character died it was so harrowing... Abby’s Day 3 was so intense that I was a little overwhelmed, and Yara’s death was like the final straw and we had to take a break from the game. Characters also die so quickly, which is realistic, but it didn’t give you enough time to react before you were thrown into another scene or shootout. Between how frantic some scenes are and how brutal or tragic, I had to ask my brother to pause it a few times. The game really doesn’t give you a moment to breathe. That’s it, that’s my only complaint about the game. Now on to the good things.
Characters
First of all, and always my favorite thing about any story: the characters. Ellie is my all time favorite character, and even if I don’t agree with her choices and actions in this game, I can still empathize with her and love how complex and deep she is. She’s just human, and she is traumatized, so she does some questionable things.
Obviously, Troy Baker’s and Ashley Johnson’s performances are flawless, but Druckmann’s dialogues and writing is so... human. The characters interact like real people, they are spontaneous and natural, they have intimate moments of love, anger and a wide range of emotions. These characters fidget, frown, smile and have a myriad of human gestures (also improved with the amazing, mindblowing Naughty Dog graphics) that make them feel real. You can feel the emotion pour out of every gesture, every look, every expression.
I know Abby is also a controversial character but... I adore her. Of course we are meant to hate her at first, but the more time we spend with her, the more I grew fond of her even if I missed playing with Ellie. I couldn’t help but to admire Abby’s brute strength and bravery, even when she faces her fear of heights. When she tells her story, you understand her motivations as much as her actions hurt. Joel (like every character in this game and every person in that world) was not a good person, no matter how much we love him. Besides, at the end of the game it’s hard not to feel for Abby. She loses everyone as a direct result of her own revenge that she very much ends up regretting. When Ellie finds her at the end, it was hard to even tell that was Abby, I literally didn’t recognize her. So it was nice knowing that she found redemption and got her happy ending with Lev, her new family.
The side characters are all amazing. I was especially fond of Lev and Yara (Lev is an adorable little boy that must be protected, I just wanted to hug him) from Abby’s part and Dina and Jesse from Ellie’s part. I also loved Owen, Nora, Manny, Alice... everyone. Even Mel, who seems a bit more bland in comparison, has a defined personality. 
The plot
It is so well written, it makes so much sense, coherently and thematically, that I don’t understand some complaints. It’s also so compelling! People complain that Joel’s death made no sense and was just for shock value? It was a direct consequence of his actions at the end of the first game when he killed lots of people and literally doomed humanity out of selfishness. I still love Joel and I’m glad he saved Ellie, but this can’t be denied. Besides, the game deals a lot with the consequences of the characters’s actions, so it makes perfect sense to me.
Everything that happens in the plot and the story has a point. You kill lots of people as Ellie to avenge Joel, but then you get Abby’s point of view and grief the loss of those same characters. The game tries to make you feel for every person, which is why they all have names and their friends call out to them when they are shot. The main goal of the game was to get you to feel empathy for the ‘bad guys’. The point was that there are no good or bad guys in this story, only people with personal perspectives. Ellie and Abby are just two women who felt they were in the right. And in a way, they both were.
I just think the plot was coherent, with lots of interesting things, twists and surprises. Overall, it was realistic. There were no deus ex machinas, no crazy expectation subversions (because the twists were well established) and to me it felt like everything that happened had a meaning, as heart-crushing as it could be.
The themes
Now, this is one of my favorite things about the game. I read that Druckmann said that Ellie and Abby would have been friends in another life, and I agree. They are two sides of the same coin, or two different moments in the process of recovery from trauma and grief. 
Abby got her revenge and is dealing with the consequences of it, with the guilt and the rejection of those that don’t approve of her hate and resentment. When she got her revenge, she didn’t feel better (in fact she felt worse) so she does something good to change that. She literally returns to Yara and Lev to make amends for killing Joel, and in it she finds a new family. In the end, Abby actively choses not to do bad things anymore (even to the point of refusing to fight Ellie) and let go of that hatred.
Ellie is in the first stages of grief, needing to look for Abby until she kills her for what she did to Joel. There are some hardcore visceral moments that show the dark side of revenge, like when she finds Nora or attacks Mel and Owen. Even when Abby lets her go she still can’t forget about Joel’s death. It was a nice respite in the farm with Dina and JJ, but her guilt and PTSD don’t leave her and she has to go again. She is literally going through what Abby already lived, hence why she tells Ellie ‘I’m not doing this’ when they meet at the end of the game.
Ellie and Abby were on the same path even if they started on different places. Abby had done terrible things for Isaac as a Wolf but finds redemption when protecting Lev. Ellie mostly wanted to live a happy life until her father figure was taken from her. They meet common ground at some point and then go on their own paths again, which is why the game didn’t end on the theatre.
The first Last of Us was about love, but Part II is about hate. It speaks about how hatred and revenge never end, an eye for an eye and everyone will end up blind. The characters have to make conscious choices to avoid it ruining their lives even further and that’s why the ending is so good. More on that later.
Little things
The setting is incredible, it feels lived in and sometimes it’s absolutely gorgeous. Every place has a history and some of them are just so cool. The musem with the flashback of Joel and Ellie was one of my favorite places, as well as the aquarium. Also, the part of the game where you go to Ground Zero? Terrifying! I was freaking out only watching my brother play, and I’m impressed that they managed to make it feel so dark and ominous. It’s brilliant that they thought of putting something like that in the game, as scary as it was.
The game has so much attention to detail, from how you always find alcohol and scissors in places like kitchens or bathrooms to how accurate the animations are. I was blown away when I saw the trailer with how you crawl under cars and cock the guns and everything, and the game has so many details like those.
Even the AI was insane, NPCs have dialogues if you let them speak and they are so smart. They turn around in the middle of their walking, like real people would, and make it extra challenging. I was so impressed with the AI.
The music was phenomenal as usual. The score just pulls the correct emotions out of you, whether it is making you feel the adrenaline with the drums or feel nostalgic or just make you sad with the guitar.
The ending
Finally, the ending. I think many people didn’t like it, but to me it was perfect. I was so convinced that either Ellie or Abby were going to die, or both! I was relieved that they both lived, and in a way that made so much sense. To me it was a satisfying end to everything that had been set up, a coherent end to all the themes and the message that the game sent. Revenge is bad, let go of that hatred or it will consume you.
Ellie can’t kill Abby. She spent so long thinking about Joel in his last moments, about how she was helpless and couldn’t save him, and that fueled her anger and hatred. Her survivor’s guilt from the first game only got worst when it meant seeing her father figure die. Still, when she is about to kill Abby she thinks about him in a different way. She sees him fondly, with his jacket and coffee and playing guitar. She doesn’t see him bloody and dying as he was that dreadful day. That’s why she doesn’t kill Abby. 
Abby and Lev find Santa Catalina after everything they went through. IT’s Abby’s ‘reward’ for not going after Ellie again after what happened with Owen, Mel and everyone. They get their happy ending together as a family: Lev can be himself and feel safe even with everything that he loss, Abby can start forgiving herself for her guilt and honor both her father and Owen by returning to the Fireflies. She was lost in the darkness but found the light. It’s also symbolic that she isn’t as buff or has her long hair because she’s letting go of the reason why she had them.
Ellie lost everything. She couldn’t let go of her hatred and in doing so she was left completely alone, which was her worst fear. She risked everything and the only thing she had left, which was Dina (the representation of a happy life) is gone. It was also heartbreaking that she couldn’t even play guitar (as a guitar player myself and music lover, that hurt me profoundly) because she lost her fingers as a consequence of her attempt at revenge. 
I saw theories that Dina was actually waiting for her somewhere else because Ellie was wearing her bracelet, and I hope so too. It seems strange that Dina would abandon her dream of living in a farm if she was staying with Ellie, but I still want to hold on to that hope. I shipped those two so hard, and I really want Ellie to have a somewhat happy ending.
The last few minutes were beautifully tragic. Bittersweet. Ellie is alive, but leaves everything behind, all of her belongings (including Joel’s guitar) in order to move on. It was the only way she had to let go of her grief from Joel’s death and start a new life instead of repeating the vicious cycle of revenge. Just... powerful and moving.
Amazing lines and scenes
My brother knows me well and he said that my favorite scene would be the one in the museum with Ellie and Joel, and it probably is. It feels like a continuation of the first game and it’s a sweet father-daugther (parent-child and found family tropes are my weakness) moment in which Joel tries to make Ellie happy with the nerdy things he knows she loves. 
I also adore all the moments between Ellie and Dina. They are adorable and they just feel like a real couple, caring about each other and joking and flirting. 
All of the flashbacks were emotional and amazing, but my favorite is probably the last one. When Ellie tells Joel that she wants to forgive him? When he says ‘if I had another chance I would do it all over again?’ I’m getting choked up just thinking about it. I think that’s actually my favorite scene in the game.
Another one of my favorite lines was ‘hey, you’re my people’ from Abby to Lev. It’s so important and such a turning point for Abby, because if it weren’t for Lev she might have killed Ellie and Dina in the theater. She cares so much about him that she keeps going. And that line is the first moment we really see how much that kid meant to her.
Final thoughts
This was probably the longest rant I’ve written here, but The Last of Us was already my favorite game and Part II only topped it for me. The few bad things are greatly overpowered by the countless good things. The game just left a mark on me and I will never forget how it made me smile, laugh, gasp, cry, cringe in fear and overall... just feel in a way nothing had ever made me feel before.
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artificialqueens · 4 years ago
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When the World Finally Stops (Biadore) - Tanawrites
SUMMARY - Various moments that ensue after Roy returns home to find Danny has taken refuge at his place for the quarantine.
A/N - details of Bianca being on tour and the stay-at-home order are embellished a little for the story. timeline is a little hazy for the same reason! also I’m not from the US, sorry if anything is desperately wrong and for all my added ‘u’s.
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The familiar sound of his front door unlocking was music to Roy’s ears. Coming home was always a good feeling after any amount of travel but missing home was for the most part, a small price to pay compared to all the rewards of his career. As more and more tours came about, home wasn’t quite as frequent as he would have liked. Luckily his current tour had him only on the other side of the country, not the other side of the world as the pandemic hit.
Getting home had been a struggle of frantic packing, airports and uncertainty. The constant stream of news playing on the airport televisions, notifications on his phone and watching others in their panic with face masks and hand sanitiser had done nothing for Roy’s anxieties.
He was home now though. Where apparently, he would be staying for a while.
Wheeling the large suitcase behind him, he was idly writing himself a mental checklist. For someone who packed as precisely as he did, unpacking wasn’t a massive task but it was a priority on his list. Call the boarding kennel to organise picking up the dogs as soon as possible was a close second. Write a grocery list. Email his manager to see what all this truly meant for the rest of Bianca’s tour and performing in general. Even amongst all the panic of the past few days since the announcement of a stay-at-home order, the comfort of his home had started to lull him into a sense of normalcy.
It was a small clink from further in the house that drew him out of his thoughts. He frowned and paused where he was still in the entryway, trying to peer closer to where the sound came from.
“Chill! It’s just me.”
Roy felt his body sag in relief. He had heard ‘just me’ enough times after handing over his second hotel room keycard or the spare key to his home to expect exactly who walked out from the kitchen.
Danny.
With a bowl of what Roy perceived to be cereal that was dangerously close to spilling over his expensive rug. Roy eyed how casually Danny’s lanky arms were thrown out towards him, no regard to the milk droplets he was splashing, wearing nothing but a loose tank top and underwear by the looks of it.
As much of a comfort as being home was, seeing Danny felt like Roy could breathe again.
“No, no wait. No hugs yet.”
Roy held a hand out to even further ward Danny off and felt a twinge of remorse for the bluntness when he saw his expression fall. He felt the same way. It had been months too long since they’d seen each other and even though yet again, it was all part of the life they’d chosen, it had been hard.
“Not like that, c’mon pussyface. I’ve just been at the airport with god knows who else and I want to be careful. Let me have a shower and we can catch up.” Roy waited until Danny nodded, sending him a reassuring smile before continuing into the house.
“Don’t bring that in here.” Roy turned around at the doorway of his bedroom to further emphasize that he meant it with a pointed look back to the kitchen. “I’ll take my time so you can try and hide whatever it is that has you looking so guilty.”
His usual cackle carried through to his bathroom as he stored away the guilty, deer-in-headlights expression on Danny’s face deep into his memory to make fun of him later.
-
“Thirty second warning!” Roy called out once he was dried off and dressed again. He tossed his clothes in the hamper, resisting how much he wanted to put them all in the washer immediately. The urge to seek out Danny had already won out against his discomfort before it was even truly a conflict in his mind.
He couldn’t help from conducting a less-than-subtle inspection on the condition of his home as he wandered through the house to find Danny. It was no secret that they were at opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to organisation. His place seemed to be in a mostly decent condition though - the mussed sheets on his bed and the makeshift ashtray on the balcony were to be expected with any visit from Danny.
Roy didn’t have to go far before his eyes were settling on Danny sprawled across the couch and he wasted no time in tucking himself into the space that seemed to be purposely left for him against Danny’s side.
“Missed you.” It was a simple admission, said quietly into the skin of Danny’s neck as Roy settled. They had never really needed all too many words to know exactly what the other was actually trying to say. That’s not to say that he didn’t feel a warmth settle over him when Danny returned the sentiment with a kiss to his head.
Affection felt natural for them, years of friendship and the tight quarters of hotel rooms and tour buses meaning their bodies were drawn to one another and knew exactly how to move around each other. Those years, starting with drunken kisses and later very purposely sober hookups further cemented how important touch was to the both of them. It was as much of a form of communication as talking was for them.
The way they had instinctively curled around each other was enough to settle Roy’s nerves but not enough to satisfy his curiosity.
“What are you doing here, queen? I thought you would have gone to your mom’s place.”
“Too crowded. Like, I love them all but I just know my mom’s probably freaking out with this whole thing going on and I wanted to stay in the city.”
Roy hummed his understanding before tilting his head to meet Danny’s eyes more. “And your apartment? You know, that place you pay rent for every month? Where all your worldly belongings are?”
“Well I didn’t want to be totally alone for the whole stay-at-home order and I figured you’d be home when I got here.”
“How long have you been here?”
Danny looked slightly embarrassed, to Roy’s amusement, as he admitted “A week and a half.”
“You bitch, there wasn’t even a mention of a quarantine then.”
“Ok ok, maybe I just missed your ridiculously comfy mattress and needed a change of scenery for some writing I’ve been trying to do. Why can’t you ever let me get away with anything?”
Roy rolled his eyes as Danny whined. It clearly wasn’t a problem for him that Danny was here - there wouldn’t be a spare key made up for him if it was.
In all honesty, Roy was more relieved to see Danny here than he was to be home in general. It made him feel human to have Danny around and with his anxiety flared from all the uncertainty, he was starting to feel grounded again.
It would only be all that much better when he had Sammy and Dede curled around his feet again as well.
“Crazy times, queen.”
-
After spending the night bringing each other up to speed, far too late into the night for how tired Roy was from travel, he still found himself waking up before Danny.
He untangled their limbs carefully, though he knew he didn’t have to. Danny could and has slept through almost anything, including any alarm he set ever and Michelle Visage banging on their door to let them know he was late to a meet and greet. Always an early riser, despite how often Danny tried to tempt him to stay in bed, Roy barely even jostled the snoring man he left in bed.
As he prepared a pot of coffee, Roy started to write out a list for groceries, knowing Danny wouldn’t be much help in his meal-planning anyway. He had essentially nothing in the pantry or refrigerator - except for an almost empty pizza box, which Roy certainly hadn’t been responsible for. After a peek in the trash can, his suspicions were confirmed. Danny had been purely living off of take-out for the whole time he’d been here.
Roy finished his list and his first mug of coffee without even a stir from the bedroom where he’d left Danny. He poured another mug and set about the rest of his errands before he found himself back in the bedroom. There were probably still a few other things he could do to keep occupied but he’d much rather attempt to wake up the sleeping mermaid in his bed.
Perching on the edge of the mattress, he paused for a moment to watch Danny. His hair was longer than Roy had seen in a while but he was pleased to see that Danny looked good, like he was eating and sleeping enough. Doing all the things Roy usually worried about Danny neglecting in favour of more exciting parts of life. He placed his mug on the bedside table - namely his own bedside table since Danny always rolled onto Roy’s side once he was out of bed, ignoring the way his whole body warmed to the fact.
“Angel, it’s time to wake up.”
Reaching to stroke Danny’s hair, Roy waited until he started to stir. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth to get Danny out of bed, especially if he wasn’t ready to get up yet, which he was rarely before noon.
“Don’t wanna.”
Somewhat expecting that response, Roy kept running his hand through Danny’s hair, eventually feeling him lean into the touch.
“Don’t you want to come to the store with me? Maybe get a vegetable or two into you for the first time in two weeks?”
Danny had apparently woken up enough to grin lazily up at Roy, who rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what joke he was hinting at.
“Shut up, bitch. Get in the shower and get ready to go.”
Roy began to stand but was quickly brought back down again in a move he should have anticipated from Danny. It really had been too long since they’d seen one another, he was getting rusty.
He had more or less been pulled on top of Danny so he relaxed into it, supporting most of his weight but still leaning to rest his forehead against Danny’s.
“Can I help you?”
“Yup.”
The slight tilt forward of Danny’s chin and the cocky grin on his lips was enough of an answer and Roy didn’t hesitate in closing the small gap to press his lips against Danny’s in the first kiss they’d shared since reuniting the night before.
Their physical relationship had never trumped their friendship, never at the forefront of their interactions. It was just something that had developed naturally between them, their closeness resulting in a tantalizing pull that they had eventually given in to. It was at the expense of nothing though, both of them vowing to be honest about their feelings and that their friendship would never suffer. There were no expectations other than clear communication between them and it had been that way for years now. They were in no way exclusive but they always updated each other if there was something or more importantly, someone new on the scene and as much as neither of them were ready to admit, they were a constant for each other. What they always came back to when they needed something more.
It had seemed complicated when they tried, once, to explain it to Courtney but it was the furthest from complicated. It was just how they were.
Roy didn’t realise how much he’d missed it though, how much in this moment he felt like he needed the press of Danny’s lips against his own more than anything else. They’d both been busy, so busy the past few months and it had been hard to match up both of their sparing free time. The last time they’d seen each other was when Roy flew Danny out to where he’d been on tour and had a rare weekend off - a weekend they spent in a luxurious hotel, wrapped up in one another, spending way too much money on room service to avoid the outside world.
Now, nothing in the outside world was even functioning for them to go out even if they wanted to.
Before the kiss could turn into some other kind of reunion, Roy pulled back. He nudged their noses together, in a show of affection few had yet to see from him, to stop Danny’s complaints at the separation.
“I know, I know. Good morning to you too. Now go brush your teeth because if I have to kiss you again with that breath-”
Danny’s lips stopped his joke right in its tracks and despite his warning, Roy made no move to pull away again.
-
Danny felt ridiculous. He’d mostly kept his mouth shut though, after he caught Roy’s eye just before they’d left the house. Roy looked nervous. So Danny had quit the jokes and let Roy put gloves and face masks on the both of them.
It wasn’t until they got to the supermarket that Danny started to understand.
People were panicking.
He’d been reading the news on his phone and keeping up to date on things. That was nothing compared to seeing it unfold in front of him. He had been holed up at Roy’s house for weeks now and hadn’t witnessed any of the panic first hand.
Danny felt a pang of sympathy when he realised how much worse this would have been at an airport and what Roy had obviously gone through the past few days.
With a glance at how white Roy’s knuckles had turned from how tightly he was gripping his shopping list, he could tell Roy was thinking about it too so Danny slipped his hand casually into Roy’s, twining their fingers together.
“So, ice cream aisle first?”
He tossed a grin back at Roy, only half joking. He really did want at least a few tubs of ice cream to take home but mostly, he wanted Roy to smile back at him. It took a second but eventually Roy scoffed.
“Of course you’re thinking about fucking ice cream right now. Is your brain not part chocolate fudge brownie by now?”
And things were back to normal, or as normal as they could be right now, as Danny was pulled through the aisles hand-in-hand with Roy, dutifully holding the basket and pressing up against Roy’s side as he paid.
Danny was kind of known for being the basket case out of the two of them. Always the one who was in a mess or more commonly, was the mess himself who Roy was always there for. It wasn’t as common that Danny got to do the same for Roy, to be the support system or the pillar holding him up. Danny could see the anxiety bubbling just under the surface since Roy had gotten home yesterday and the tiredness that had gathered under Roy’s eyes though and without Roy saying it, Danny felt needed.
They didn’t have to discuss the fact that this trip was going to be a once-off thing. Any other groceries they needed, were going to be delivered from here on out. He also didn’t mention the fact that he watched Roy put three pints of ice cream in their basket when he thought Danny was distracted.
-
“What do you want to do today?”
Roy glanced over the top of his newspaper at Danny, who had draped his whole body across Roy’s legs, dangerously close to dangling off the edge of the couch. They’d already started their day with laying in bed far longer than Roy usually preferred to so he was trying to continue his usual morning routine, catching up on the world over a cup of coffee. The question was unexpected since they hadn’t really planned anything except meals.
“What do you want to do?”
“Bake.”
Roy faltered. He didn’t know what he was expecting to hear but it certainly wasn’t that and it must have shown on his face since Danny was tossing his head back in a laugh only a second later.
“Bake! Not get baked. Well, I mean I would love to but-”
“Yeah, yeah we know. Pipe down, Laganja Estranga.”
“Seriously, I’ve been seeing all this shit about banana bread and fancy ass cakes. I want to bake something.”
“Do you even know how to bake? You don’t really strike me as the Easy Bake oven kind of gal.”
“Well…no. But surely you do! That’s what grandmas do best, isn’t it?”
Roy abandoned his article in favour of rolling up the newspaper to hit Danny with it in retaliation. Before it turned into a full-on war, he sat up a little more and smiled down at Danny, amusement written all over his face.
“Alright, Martha Stewart. Let’s go bake.”
-
His kitchen was a disaster.
Roy took a moment to glance around. There was flour all over the island counter and the iPad Danny had set the recipe up on. The carton of milk was open on the bench, a puddle all around it. Roy had given up early on trying to clean up after Danny because he insisted on Roy being right next to him for every step.
Contrary to what Danny assumed, Roy didn’t know a damn thing about baking. He could cook well enough, sure. But cakes? Not exactly his forte. Not even on a basic level. So it was basically the blind leading the blind as Danny bounced around his kitchen, pulling out more than what Roy thought they actually needed to make a cake.
Standing on his toes to peer over Danny’s shoulder, Roy raised an eyebrow. “I really don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to look.”
It wasn’t the first time Roy had mentioned it but the more they added and stirred into it, the worse it was looking. Danny had defended it a few times, calling it an ‘unconventional kind of pretty’ or just mumbling incoherently to himself and going back to the recipe.
This time, Danny slumped back into Roy and sighed.
“Want to go have a shower instead?”
Roy’s hands were already up the back of Danny’s shirt, dragging the material up his chest before Danny was even finished speaking.
-
“Wake up.”
Roy nudged Danny again, sighing as Danny rolled further away from him again, snuggling deeper into the pillow.
“Adore, it’s time to wake up. There’s coffee,” he tempted, avoiding the arm that was flung out towards him to no doubt try and lure him back to bed.
Danny’s grumbling made him snicker but he knew he was fighting a losing battle. Placing the mug of coffee safely out of the danger zone of Danny’s still searching arm, he eventually let himself be pulled back to bed.
Roy didn’t let Danny settle into the little spoon position like he was trying to and instead nudged against Danny’s hip until he rolled onto his back. Settling so that he was straddling Danny’s thighs, Roy let his fingers trace across the soft skin above the waistband of Danny’s thong.
Danny made a low hum but still made no move to open his eyes.
“Come on, you sleepy chola. I want to organise the drag room today.”
Roy watched Danny’s face fall into a displeased pout and rolled his eyes.
“If you get up now, I’ll let you try on stuff as we go along.”
“Anything I want?”
Danny finally opened one eye to peer at Roy, almost like he needed the visual confirmation.
“Within reason.”
“No deal.” Danny turned his head dramatically to the side, his hair falling across most of his face. Roy sighed as he started to gently push it back to see him.
“What are you thinking? Because I’m telling you baby, that season seven finale dress wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I was washing off glitter for a whole week.”
“Doesn’t matter. Don’t want to anymore.”
“I want you to do it with me. And I need you to reach the stuff on the high shelves.”
Roy wasn’t expecting Danny to sit up suddenly with Roy still in his lap. He quickly grabbed onto Danny’s shoulders to steady himself and raised his eyebrows in question.
“You’re so tiny.” Danny laughed, rubbing his faces into Roy’s chest, arms looping around his waist.
“You’re lucky you look so damn young when you first wake up. Even I can’t be mean to an infant.”
Roy’s actions said it was more so that Danny looked cute when he first woke up with his sleep mussed hair and stupid tired smile as he kept combing his fingers through Danny’s long hair.
“If you rip any of my dresses, I reserve the right to cut up one of your wigs. Though in your case, I might be doing you a favour.”
“Shut up, yanx. Need coffee first.”
-
Roy was running a brush carefully through one of Bianca’s wigs, the last one he had left before they were all neatly aligned on the shelf. He had set Danny up with his jewelry, trusting that he could stick to the usual color coordinated organisation Roy used.
Danny had on one of Bianca’s dresses, one Bianca hadn’t worn in a long time. Getting it on Danny’s frame, when there was no cinched waist and their different heights, was a bit of a struggle that almost ended in a split seam. Not particularly because the dress was too small but mostly that they were both laughing so much through the process.
It was worth it in the end though because for the last hour, every time Roy glanced over to check Danny’s progress and caught sight of his concentrated stare, he started cackling again. There wasn’t a trace of make-up on Danny’s face, his hair was still messily skewed from sleep, and the dress was so out of place with his bare feet and casual slouch over the desk, which all added to the illusion.
The dress was far from Adore’s usual style but it was the closest Bianca had in her closet. Danny still looked great in it, which Roy had told him at least twice already.
“You miss getting into drag?”
Placing the last wig onto the mannequin and sliding it in place, Roy spun his chair to face Danny. Neither of them had been in drag since Roy had come home, for weeks now.
It had been years of painting Bianca’s face almost every day. Whether it was five times a week for shows in clubs or later, to sold out tours.
It was the longest in a long time that he hadn’t been Bianca and he was curious if Danny was feeling the same reminiscence.
“Yeah, Adore always has so much fun.”
Danny pouted and Roy met it with a scoff but he was relieved to hear that he wasn’t alone in his feelings. He should probably be more grateful for the time off - it was no secret he was getting older so travelling constantly for tours was hard and makeup was harsher and harsher on his skin. Bianca came alive on stage though, releasing a part of Roy that loved to perform. For himself, for the crowd.
There was such a stark contrast between his drag and Danny’s but they shared that same love of performing, the freedom of being on a stage with a microphone in their hands.
“I’m only telling you this because I know you’ll never be able to prove it even if you do blab but I don’t even really miss the insults or the jokes that much. I do a little because it’s getting old having to think of new material for you but mostly…I miss seeing Bianca’s face.”
Turning back slightly to look at his reflection, Roy sighed. He noticed his age taking its toll on his face. The laugh lines that had deepened in the last few years and the new wrinkles in his forehead. It was all things he never noticed as Bianca, just how dramatic her eye makeup was and if her wig was straight.
“Jesus Christ, it turns out everyone was right. The quarantine is making people go insane.”
It wasn’t a good joke but it was an attempt to lighten the mood from where the conversation had gone, from where his thoughts had taken him. He heard the jewelry drawers close and the wheels of the chair as Danny rolled to a stop just behind him. It was obvious Danny had seen right through the joke and heard the truth in Roy’s voice, read the expression on his face.
“Why don’t we then?” Danny asked, closing the last drawer of jewelry and rolling his chair over to Roy’s, bumping them together and peering over his shoulder to meet his gaze in the reflection of the mirror.
“Why don’t we what? Get institutionalised together?”
“No. Get into drag!”
Turning to fully face Danny, Roy raised an eyebrow at him. Danny barely took note of it though, already having made up his mind that this was happening.
“Party,” Roy drawled out sarcastically, though it was an underlying agreement to Danny’s offer. Danny laughed and kissed Roy’s cheek before he was running off - as well as he could in Bianca’s form fitting long dress, supposedly to get his suitcase from Roy’s bedroom.
-
An hour and a half later and the drag room wasn’t in quite as good shape as it was intended to be after spending the better portion of the day organising it.
But there they both were - Bianca and Adore. Adore had forgone Bianca’s dress in favour of a tight short skirt that Bianca had no idea how she could be comfortable in, while Bianca slipped familiarly into one of her favourite dresses.
Now they stood next to each other in front of the full-length mirror after putting on their final touches and Bianca snapped. She started laughing, a chuckle she tried to stifle at the start but eventually succumbed to her usual cackle.
“What? I even brushed out my wig.” Adore looked confused, watching as Bianca came unravelled.
“We…we just got fully into drag. I cinched your waist and we’re wearing heels and I tucked….and…we’re not going anywhere!” Bianca’s explanation came out between fits of laughing.
“Fuck willow, I thought you could see my dick out of the bottom of my skirt or something.”
It had been Adore’s idea but it came from Bianca’s want so they were both to blame. In the middle of a quarantine, with nowhere to go and no one to see, two grown men got fully made up into their best absolute best drag. It was utterly ridiculous to her and she was shaking her head against Adore’s shoulder as she tried to contain herself.
Adore had started to giggle along herself though and eventually, they were leaning into each other.
“Come on B, surely this is an excuse to break out your rich lady wine. We can’t go out but it can still be a party.”
Accepting that the quarantine had absolutely gotten to their heads, Bianca agreed with Adore and pulled them both along to the kitchen.
-
“I can’t believe they let her get away with this shit. Hello bitch, we’re on the fifth challenge here!”
Adore was covering her mouth to stifle her laughter as she listened to Bianca’s commentary. Neither of them knew how they had ended up here but somewhere between the first and third bottle of wine, they’d come up with the idea of watching their season premiere. That was nearly six episodes ago and they were still sitting on Bianca’s couch, both their shoes long since abandoned and kicked away, their bare feet on the coffee table.
Sober Roy would be mad at their mess but drunk Bianca had long since given up her inhibitions. That’s when the commentary came in. If Adore didn’t know better, she would be recording it. The reads were some of Bianca’s best work and had her in fits of giggles, tucked into Bianca’s side.
“I’m surprised they didn’t just make us the top three right here. God, it’s barely even a competition at this point.”
“Shut up, you love all those bitches.”
Bianca glanced to Adore, clearly ready to argue but softened once she caught the way Adore had turned to look at her. She had relaxed into the back of the couch, head turned sideways to look up at Bianca. The buzz of the wine had gotten to Adore but not in a way that made her want to dance on the table, rather in the way to sit back and enjoy tingles that were running across her body.
Letting herself relax enough to mirror Adore’s position, Bianca tilted her head towards Adore’s.
“You’re my favourite though. Don’t tell Court.”
“She totally already knows it. All those times she found me in your bunk on the tour or when she had to share a hotel room with Darienne because we were always together.”
Both of them grinning fondly at the memories, Bianca lifted her mostly empty wine glass up and waited until Adore did the same.
“Happy quarantine, Adore.”
“Cheers to that, Bianca.”
-
“Want to trade-”
“No.”
“Why, yanx? I’ll give you more money than it’s worth!”
“And this is why our world’s economy is shot. Your generation is in charge of it now.”
Roy shook his head, continuing to glare at the board, deep in thought like he had been for nearly five minutes now.
Danny has all but given up hopes for finishing their game and was lying on his stomach to pat Sammy and Dede while Roy was deliberating.
It had been Danny’s idea to endure their hangovers with a board game, found deep in Roy’s closet. After teasing Roy about how this edition of monopoly surely came out before he was even born, they set it up on the coffee table. It had started out as harmless, mindless fun but Roy was competitive and all his moves were thought out and calculated, which put him further ahead in the game than Danny who seemed to have a mere twenty-five dollars left.
“You have to be cheating.”
“You’re the banker. There’s no way for me to cheat when you control all the money!”
“Well then the game is rigged.”
“Or you’re just a sore loser.”
Danny made a grunt of complaint but didn’t say anymore. Roy finally took his turn, putting another hotel on one of his properties and pushing the dice towards Danny.
Sitting up to roll the dice, Danny rolled and started to move the small silver tophat. He groaned loudly as he came to a stop on one of Roy’s properties. The one he had just upgraded with a hotel. Danny covered his face, groaning as Roy cackled in glee.
“Alright, come on.”
Danny stood up with a huff, turning towards the bedroom.
“What? We’re right in the middle of the game.”
“Yeah, I know. Come on, I have to clear my debt and then beat your ass.”
“Clear your debt? You’re not gonna find any Monopoly money in there.”
“Nope, I’m gonna suck your dick and we’ll be square.”
Danny’s bluntness nearly had Roy’s jaw on the floor. Lucky he had years as a performer meant that his facial expressions were trained and he quickly got a hold of himself.
“It’s just a game, queen. We don’t have to keep playing-”
“I want to.”
Every time they were intimate, Roy always wanted to make sure Danny was sure. That what they were doing was mutual and positive for both of them. Years behind them had made him more confident in initiating, whereas at the start he left it all to Danny. That had led to problems in itself and it began clear to him that Danny wanted to feel wanted as well.
He didn’t need anymore confirmation before he was following but it was Roy who was pressing Danny down into the sheets, his lips mapping their way down the dip of Danny’s hip.
-
Days later, inspiration had struck Roy the night before and he got out his sketchbook. The next morning, he didn’t disturb Danny as he took solace in the drag room. His sketches were pinned up where he could glance up at them as he ran material through the sewing machine. He was lost in thoughts of pins and thread, so much so that he didn’t take note of Danny pushing open the door until he felt the weight of Danny’s head laying against his shoulder.
“Whatcha making?”
“A dress.”
Danny breathed out a laugh. Roy was just happy that years of his dry, harsh humour was still enough to warrant a laugh from Danny. He didn’t mean to be blunt though so he continued.
“I don’t really know what it’s for but it’s been a while since I’ve made anything.”
It’s been a long time since Roy had been home long enough to sketch out and then craft an entire dress is what he meant and Danny read through the lines.
“It’s pretty.”
Danny looked up at the sketch of what Roy was making, remembering the few times they’d tried to teach Danny how to use the sewing machine, especially right before he was set to return to the competition for All Stars. It had never gone well, with Danny usually ending up frustrated at himself, despite Roy’s seemingly endless patience.
“Do you mind if I come in here to write?”
Neither of them had been doing anything exactly productive. The past few weeks had been all lazy days of movies on the couch, cuddling  and playing with the dogs and then catching up on the newest season of Drag Race. Danny hadn’t been writing any music and Roy was left in his own limbo because while the lockdown laws were in place, his tour was cancelled until further notice.
It was a welcome surprise to hear that Danny seemed to be inspired or at least motivated enough to try to be. Roy took his foot off the pedal and turned back just enough to kiss the top of Danny’s head.
“Yeah, baby.”
-
Hours later, Roy had a mostly finished dress on his mannequin and Danny was still humming under his breath, tapping a pen against his notebook to a rhythm only he could imagine.
Roy was on his knees to put the finishing touches on the hem of the dress when Danny made a sudden noise of revelation.
“I’ve done it! I finally finished this fucking song.”
Danny dropped the notebook dramatically to the floor but the smile on his face was contagious. Roy let his hands fall to his lap as his attention shifted.
“Yeah? That’s great, bitch. You going to sing it for me?”
Embarrassment flushed Danny’s cheeks and he began to look more nervous than relieved. He shook his head.
“No. This won’t even be the finished product on the album after I record it.”
“So? I wanna hear it exactly the way you wrote it.”
Danny started to tuck his chin and Roy pushed up to his feet, closing the distance between them. He tucked a finger under Danny’s jaw to coax his gaze up.
“I’m not going to force you or anything but everything you were humming before sounded really great.”
Roy had always been full of praise for Danny. He was the first to offer constructive criticism when needed but he had come to respect everything Danny produced. It wasn’t the same as his own art, their drags were polar opposite and their outlets were as well. He knew that Adore didn’t look nearly as polished as some of the other drag queens in their circle but there was reason and purpose behind them and moreso, passion. Roy saw Danny’s passion shining through everything he did, as himself or Adore. That’s what changed his mind about Adore during their season and something he still loved most about Danny to this day.
“Ok but only so that you know what song is about you when you listen to the album and plug it on all your socials.”
“Wait, it’s about me?”
Despite Danny’s response trying to feign some confidence, he turned red again. He didn’t try to break their eye contact again though as he shrugged at Roy.
“Yeah, kinda. Some parts of it, for sure. You were totally my muse today, watching you concentrate so hard and work on something that you could have paid someone else to do. You’re a fierce ass bitch and I love you.”
Not expecting the long-winded answer, Roy let it sink in before he responded.
“I love you too.”
It wasn’t often that Roy wasn’t quick witted or responding with his usual sharp tongue. There were moments for it though and he could read Danny enough to know he was feeling vulnerable with the confession so this definitely wasn’t the time.
He sunk onto the floor where Danny had sat most of the day, alternating between laying on his stomach or his back or sitting in other positions that Roy wanted to make a snip about their age difference about. His old man bones still allowed him to bend his knees enough to sit cross-legged in front of Danny. When they were at the same eye level, he smiled at Danny and took his hand to play idly with his fingers.
“And when this next album comes out, you come over again and I’ll make you anything you want to wear for the first time you perform it. Promise to even cut up the shirt for your aesthetic.”
Spoken with none of his usual bite, Roy softened his voice as much as he could. The gravelly tone couldn’t be helped - thanks God, but he had practically melted at Danny’s feet at this point. It was the biggest compliment he’d gotten, some of Danny’s art, the closest and most precious thing to his heart and he’d let Roy into it.
“Thanks, B. You’re the best willow.”
Roy accepted the embrace as soon as Danny started to lean into it, wrapping up Danny in a tight hug, their cheeks pressed against each other.
They sat like that for a long time, holding each other on the floor. It was a moment Roy didn’t want to end, despite the twinge he was starting to feel low in his back from the way he was leaning or how cold the floor was on his bare legs. None of that mattered for right now. Not while they were embraced like this, speaking volumes with the intimacy they were sharing. Eventually, when Roy didn’t feel like breaking the silence between them would shatter the moment, he cleared his throat.
“Come on, I’m about to need a hip replacement if we stay like this any longer and I want to hear this song of yours.”
-
Unfortunately, the little bubble they had been in was eventually burst. Roy had gotten a few emails about live streams and videos, apparently posting on social media once every few days wasn’t enough and he had to get back to work. From his garage. He couldn’t think of anything worse.
He’d have his fellow queens to bounce off but that was nothing compared to audience interaction or a crowd he could read.
Still, he painted his face into Bianca and put on a flowy tunic top but in a show of rebellion that no one but he and Danny knew about, refused to wear anything other than sweats and his slippers on his lower half as Bianca sat down. Danny watched from the doorway, off the view of the camera, smiling at Bianca over a mug of coffee as the timer counted down and then she was live.
It was easy enough to settle into Bianca again, especially with Lady Bunny to banter with but this felt weird. Bianca was acutely aware that Danny was watching, listening to the audio from the other queens but Danny’s watchful eyes aren’t what had Bianca uncomfortable.
As soon as it was over, Roy texted his manager to let him know Bianca wouldn’t be doing anything else like this, if he could avoid it. He missed being Bianca but not like this. Roy didn’t blame the other queens he saw posting these videos, he didn’t judge Danny for the short video he made of Adore singing for the digital DragCon. It just didn’t feel like performing to him but he knew people still needed to make a living. He was just thankful that at this point in his career, he wasn’t stressed about that just yet.
When Danny approached him, reaching under the top of Bianca’s shirt to start rubbing Roy’s shoulders, he finally started to relax again. Knowing he didn’t have to explain the tension that was there, he simply sighed and leaned back into Danny. This was the first time he wished that this was all over, that things could go back to normal in the world.
-
The next night, after they had retreated to the bedroom for the night and they were both lying in bed, scrolling on their respective screens, Roy sighed. He put his phone down and turned to lay on his side, waiting till Danny mimicked the actions and their legs were laced together.
His mind was circling and had been since the filming yesterday. He was tired. Tired of the traveling and Bianca’s shows night after night. He still had a passion for performing but he worked hard, harder than almost anybody he knew but it was taking its toll on him and yesterday had proved it to him. He could barely bring himself to set up a video camera to be Bianca. It hadn’t come from a place of not wanting to be her anymore but an exhaustion. This lockdown had been a break, despite how much he missed Bianca but it hadn’t been enough just yet.
“The best thing about this whole lockdown has been having you here, you know.”
“Yeah, imagine all the crazy lady cleaning you’d be doing every day if I weren’t here.”
“I meant it, Danny.”
At the sound of his name, the rarest thing to ever come from Roy’s mouth which was a habit grown from spending so much time together as their drag personas, Danny grew as serious as Roy clearly was.
“I know, I mean it too. You’ve kept me from going totally crazy or off the rails in all this and I really missed you before it all happened.”
“Me too, queen. I want to go back to work really badly but I want this even more.”
Roy squeezed them impossibly closer, as if Danny could really confuse what he meant by this. He was fighting all his natural urges to zip his mouth up and stop talking by reminding himself that this was Danny. Someone who had never undermined Roy’s thoughts or made him feel bad for something he was feeling, especially when it was from a place of vulnerability.
“I do too, yanx. I promise, even when all this is over, we’ll be better. We’ll make more time for each other again.”
Danny emphasised his point by pressing his forehead to Roy’s, meeting him halfway onto the pillow they were sharing.
“I wish we’d never stopped.”
“Work sucks, hey? Sometimes I wish we were on Drag Race again and just down the hall from each other in a hotel or in the same tour bus.”
Roy nodded his agreement but he was satisfied by the fact that Danny felt the same way, his anxieties about what would happen with them again after this was all over and Danny went home momentarily quelled. It was a classic Roy move to panic over something that wasn’t even in the works of happening yet but Danny knew him well enough to know how to deal with it by now. Closing his eyes and finally feeling content again, Roy was happy to let the conversation come to an end but Danny spoke again.
“We’re going to be here for at least another month here though, at least that’s what everyone’s saying. So we still get to have the best Bianca and Adore staycation ever. We have Sammy and Dede and so much of your rich lady wine, plus no shows to rush across the world to do or albums to record-”
Roy cut Danny off with a kiss. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hear it, just that it was the best thing he’d heard. He couldn’t help himself from closing the distance between them, his hands fisting in Danny’s tank top.
“Just you and me?”
Roy barely recognised his own voice, small and full of a humility that he or Bianca never usually possessed. It faded into a quiet but strong feeling of confidence as Danny confirmed,
“Just you and me.”
-
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mollymauk-teafleak · 4 years ago
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Missing You
Please consider reblogging and leaving a comment over on Ao3! Getting feedback really means a lot, especially in a small fandom
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Alec comes home from a job and finds an empty house. Missing his talímenios and needing to fill the time, he decides to do something he'd never, ever admit to Seregil.
Until Seregil comes home early.
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Alec knew Wheel Street was his home, he knew he was as much the master of the house as Seregil was. But the place never felt quite right without his talímenios.
It was like whenever he was out, answering some summons or running an errand or out on business that didn’t belong to Lord Seregil at all, part of Alec was thrown years into the past. Somewhere inside himself, he was the naive, shell shocked wanderer from the north all over again. He was wandering these corridors stuffed with luxury and feeling completely out of place, like he’d stumbled into a world he wasn’t meant to be in, given a name that wasn’t his own and a life that didn’t quite fit.
But he had grown into that life, he knew that. Playing Sir Alec came naturally now, the airs of nobility and the smooth charm of a handsome Rhíminee rake fit comfortably like a pair of boots he’d worn all his life. He couldn’t be more different from that scared, nervous boy.
But by the Four, it was so much easier with Seregil.
Fortunately, there was no one to perform for. He didn’t walk in the front door decked out as a young noble, he entered in much the same way he had the very first time he’d ever entered the house. Cloaked in black he made what, he hoped at least, was a much neater, smoother entrance than back then, over the wall and up through their bedchamber’s window. The whole house was still shuttered and dark, it’s masters apparently out at The Dragon tonight, dicing and flirting and drinking shamelessly.
Once inside, Alec pulled the black mask away from his face and sighed deeply, inhaling the familiar, comforting smells of their shared life together. He hoped Seregil was having fun, distracting their mark at the gambling tables while Alec feigned overindulgence in the Dragon’s infamous whiskey and climbed out the bathroom window to go and reclaim the man’s spurned lover’s trinket. The Cat would rob him behind his back while Lord Seregil robbed his purse in front of tens of eager, well bred eyes; it was a ploy they’d used hundreds of times before.
But there would always be this lonely, eerily quiet time when Alec had returned but Seregil was still out, leaving him to rattle around in their empty chambers, full of adrenaline and missing his lover. That buzz of electricity through his nerves, the pounding heart that refused to slow even after the job was done, the bubbling energy was all very easy to remedy when they worked as a pair. Nearly every time they’d simply fall into bed together, if they could make it that far and didn’t end up rutting in the bushes and ruining the flowers, lose a good few hours in each other and fall asleep immediately, exhausted and satisfied entirely by their night.
Alone, Alec was left to fidget in the darkness and miss his lover in more ways than one, annoying enough that he almost regretted being chosen as the one to play the Cat. Everything just came so much easier with Seregil beside him.
He undressed to give himself something to do, freeing his braid from it’s wrap and slipping out of his shirt and trousers, it all becoming one uniform mass of coal black silk on the floor. He would have left it there if he didn’t remember Seregil’s repeated, exasperated reminders to properly tidy up after himself, especially after playing Cat. He would always tap his nose and say firmly that a job wasn’t properly complete until every scrap of evidence tying them to the break in was dealt with. Alec could be as careful as he liked but if someone came in here and saw a pile of clearly worn clothes, tailored exactly to fit a burglar of his size, what conclusions would be drawn?
So Alec sighed and gathered the clothes into a bundle, making himself fold them properly and take them over to the wardrobe. Past the coats and trousers all hung neatly in rows, there was a compartment set cunningly into the back of the thing where they could store all of their more sensitive accessories. Though, in order to be so neatly concealed, it was damn hard to get open. Alec had to wrestle with fine velvets and leathers and linens for nearly five minutes just to shove the damn things back in, proving to himself why he never usually bothered.
And to make matters worse, he spent those five minutes inhaling Seregil’s scent, his perfume and soap and natural amber musk of his skin. His favourite dark brown coat was the first in the wardrobe, not fine enough for the Dragon but the one he wore every day if he was going around as Lord Seregil and sometimes even at the Stag and Otter, he liked it so much.
Feeling like a fool but unable to stop himself, Alec reached for that coat rather than his sleeping shirt. Just a moment, he told himself, a moment so he could shake off the adrenaline and the want. Seregil wouldn’t be home until the small hours of the morning if history was any teacher, Alec could remember a handful of nights they’d spent carousing until a reasonable late breakfast time the next day. With the hour just gone midnight, there was plenty of time for the coat to be returned well before its owner, Seregil never the wiser to how childishly his lover had acted at being without him for a night.
Though he was cringing in embarrassment at himself, Alec wrapped the coat around his shoulders and went to lie in the middle of their bed. Immediately he felt some of the itchiness fade, the adrenaline start to ease. He felt like he was at home, like the job was truly done and he was home safe. Sighing softly, he turned his face into the collar of the coat and imagined Seregil’s arms around him, imagined his lover’s musical voice telling him he’d done him proud and could rest now, that all was well.
It did wonders for the shakes, wearing Seregil’s clothing. But the ache of want, the need, only grew fiercer.
It was getting physical now, the bloom of warmth and the tug and pull of muscles between his bare legs that told Alec, without looking, that he was getting hard. It was like a dog responding to an expected command, his body knew the reward for a well done job and was chafing at the lack. Alec was embarrassed for certain but also curious, wondering where these feelings were coming from, so much rawer and deeper than usual.
But lying there wrapped in nothing but his talímenios’ coat, trying to think with a stiff cock and a deep well of need inside him, it wasn’t going to get him any answers. Alec buried deeper into the fabric and groaned, knowing exactly what he was about to do.
Seregil wouldn’t mind, he was certain, if he ever found out. Not that Alec was ever going to tell him.
Seregil slipped off his boots at the door and closed it softly behind him, wanting to move quickly and silently. There was a pleasing buzz of wine and dice running through his veins but that was far from the reason he wore a grin that stretched a mile as he padded up the stairs. He couldn’t wait to see his talímenios’ face when he surprised him, hours earlier than he’d promised to be home.
He’d caught from their mark, in the course of increasingly sloppy, drunken conversation that he wasn’t even going home that night, going on to spend the hours with some other lover. Lord Seregil had made some lascivious comment that had earned him a loud laugh and a slap on the back that had sent the last of his wine spilling over their cards, while inside Seregil had sighed in relief. With no imminent arrival at the house and the man’s wife off in the country, there was no need to keep him occupied to let Alec work. He was free to take his leave, step outside of the Dragon and immediately look far less drunk than he’d appeared to be inside it, riding home to his love.
Seregil did love it when Illior brought things together so neatly. He knew Alec would be missing him, not to flatter himself too much. It was only that he’d watched his talímenios enough times after Cat work, he’d seen the way he would curl in close against him and seek out comfort and often more. Though they hadn’t been at this together for very long, back in the city from Aurënen only for a few months, he’d been sorely regretting not being there to give him the closeness he knew his lover would be needing.
He understood it, of course, the way a night of risks and thrills could so easily turn into passion and a need for intimacy. Before the best, most fortuitous day of his life when he’d found the other half of his heart shivering in that northern dungeon, Seregil’s nights spent as the Rhíminee Cat would often end at the Street of Lights.
But now he had Alec. He had a warm home and a circle of arms to run home to and right now, he couldn’t believe his luck.
There was no light creeping in from under their chamber door, he could see it from the top of the stairs. Mischievous ideas took root in Seregil’s mind. Perhaps Alec wasn’t even home yet and he could arrange some kind of surprise to be waiting for him when he got home.
Seregil had sharp ears. But still, it wasn’t until his hand was on the brass, muscles tensed and ready to push back the door, that he heard it. The soft moan, the whisper of his name from the room within. Alec was just that quiet.
Seregil’s eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped. For a moment, he was just stunned, unable to do anything but absorb the weight of the silence that preceded the gasp of pleasure. And then his slack jawed shock turned slowly into a bright, hungry grin.
“Oh my dear talímenios…” he breathed softly.
Alec’s heart nearly stopped at the soft knock at the door. Immediately the illusion he’d built up was shattered, his hand flying from his cock and jerking up into a sitting position, “Who-”
“It’s Seregil, talí...can I come in?”
Alec’s face burst into flame, wincing, “I...I thought you weren’t going to be home until later, I’m sor-”
“Don’t,” Seregil stopped his apology before it could fully leave his lips, voice firm but warm, “Can I come in?”
“I suppose,” Alec groaned, knowing there was know way out of this, drawing deeper into the coat, trying to kneel so his arousal wasn’t as obvious.
There was nothing for it though. He heard the door push back, creaking slightly, the soft movement of fabric as Seregil drew a lightstone from his pocket and illumination blossomed between them. Already he was smirking crookedly, eyes alight with mischief. Alec himself was thrown into sharp relief, cheeks flushed red, hair matted at the back as he’d writhed against the pillow. The coat only served to highlight what he’d been doing, draping between his legs but the bulge in the fabric was obvious.
After a long pause where Seregil only grinned deliciously and Alec’s cheeks grew warmer, he finally sighed and said, “You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?”
“Not in the slightest,” Seregil purred.
“I...I missed you,” Alec admitted, blue eyes finding Seregil’s, “I wanted you.”
“Of course, talí,” Seregil cooed, letting his fine plum velvet coat fall from his shoulders and slump to the floor, “The same reason I rushed home to you the moment I could.”
Alec shivered, relaxing, “Really?”
“Oh of course,” Seregil dropped his waistcoat too, sitting back in the chair by their desk as he undid the top few buttons of his shirt, “But now I’m here...I’d rather like to see you finish what you’d started, my love.”
Alec’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes widening. After a nod and an encouraging smile from Seregil, he moved back onto the pillows, spreading his legs again. Seregil leaned back and grinned appreciatively.
“What were you thinking of, talí? As you touched yourself?”
Alec swallowed, Seregil caught every movement of the apple in his throat, “You. That’s why I wore your coat, I...I wanted to smell you, to feel like you were near.”
Seregil felt a rush of genuine fondness, carefully putting it to one side for the sweetness that would come after this, “And now I am, dear heart. So put on a show for me, yes?”
Alec did, eyes never leaving Seregil’s face, his long, clever fingers moving the coat’s hem aside to reveal his erection, blushed and thick and close to release. Not that Seregil had any intention of letting him get it so soon.
His fingers were deft but direct, moving immediately just to stroke himself, aiming for one thing and intending to get there soon.
“No, no, talí,” Seregil said, watching intently, grey gaze piercing, “Slowly. Carefully. I asked for a show, didn’t I?”
“Right…” Alec slowed his strokes, showing the play of muscles in his wrist as his grip tightened and loosened along his length. In the low light, it was like a form of magic.
“Is that all you know, dear heart?” Seregil hummed, leaning forward over his knees, eyes sparkling, “Is that the only way you’d ever use to pleasure yourself?”
Alec blinked, his mouth slackening and eyes growing hazy, “I...yes, I think so. It’s all I remember doing.”
“Then allow me to educate you. Soak two of your fingers in your mouth then gather some of the slick currently running down your pretty cock, it will help. Be sure to keep stroking yourself as you do but don’t finish,” he made his voice low, a command, unsurprised at the immediate twitch of Alec’s cock.
Alec was panting now, around his fingers as he swirled his tongue over them, making them shine in the low light. Seregil wanted to kiss him so badly it hurt but he made himself wait. The denial only made the eventual release sweeter.
Once his first two fingers were soaked with spit and slick, Seregil could see Alec was actively fighting back the urge to finish himself. He only had to raise his eyebrow and his lover slowed, determined to obey.
“Now. Put them in yourself.”
Alec whimpered, swallowing hard but doing as he was bid. After some gentle teasing, his fingers sunk willingly into his hole. With his legs spread as they were, Seregil didn’t miss a moment of it.
“Now find where it feels good. You’ll have to go quite deep, sweetling,” he smirked, “Watch your other hand, you’re stalling.”
Alec was clearly struggling to focus, jaw tight, chest now rising and falling heavily, moans that became higher and more strained falling from his lips. When his searching fingers found that knot of nerves inside him, he nearly screamed, voice splintering and face tight.
“Good,” Seregil shifted so his burning erection couldn’t escape Alec’s notice as it strained against the fabric of his trousers, “Now both of them. Bring yourself as close as you can bear.”
Alec stroked himself and rolled his fingers across his sweet spot, eyes fixed pleadingly on Seregil. He now formed his name shamelessly, pleading for release, those grey eyes burning where they raked across his skin. The fact that his pleasure was entirely in his hands, even from such a distance, clothed while he was exposed, in control while he fell apart, it was something daring and new and delicious.
And of course his talímenios made him wait right until the very last second, right up until it was almost unbearable. Only then did he smile indulgently, wave his hand airily and say, “Let go, my love.”
Alec did, as soon as the words fell from his mouth. With a loud, wavering cry of release, he spurted across his fist, back arching and muscles clenching tight. The moment itself felt like it stretched, the pleasure crashing over him again and again until eventually it let him go and he fell back, muscles aching and lungs heaving.
Immediately, Seregil was there, crouched over him as his lips caught Alec’s in a soft, sweet kiss. Alec whimpered into his talímenios’ mouth, enjoying that simple contact as much as anything he’d experienced that night.
“Did you enjoy that, my love?” Seregil whispered, smiling gently.
“Oh gods, immensely,” Alec gasped, still breathless, “What did I do to deserve you?”
“You were your wonderful self,” he kissed him again, leaning into it more now, “Now...catch your breath. As soon as you’re ready, I’m taking off these damnable trousers and you’re going to show me what you learned. Yes?”
Alec’s eyes widened and he smiled, “Oh yes.”
As they laughed and kissed and tumbled into each other’s arms, Alec felt it stronger than ever. Things really were so much easier with Seregil.
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big-ass-magnet · 5 years ago
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Caller, You’re on the Air
@thehumantrampoline requested ‘radio DJ and frequent caller AU’
Fandom: Dragon Age 2
Pairing: Hawke x Varric
Word Count: 970
Rating: PG
“...and that was On Brand by the Dust Town Devils, released straight out of Orzammar this week. If you’re a fan of celebrating the destruction of social structures that keep the common folk down - and since you’re here, you do - check them out.
“For those of you just joining us, welcome to WK-one-one, Kirkwall’s only independent radio station. I’m your resident dog-lord, Hawke, here to bring you what you want when you want it, whether the Chantry likes it or not.
“It’s 2 am, which means it’s time to open the phone lines and let the weirdos get some air time. Questions, grievances, and musical requests are all welcome - although I will remind our listeners that we have already hit the maximum number of plays for ‘Rock My Boat, Baby’, so don’t ask, you know who you are. Caller on line one, you are on the air.” 
“Play me a song for a woman about to lose it all.” 
Hawke had taken a lot of weird calls in the year since she’d started the radio station. She knew how to handle the breathers, the conspiracy theorists, and the zealots on both sides of pretty much every possible argument. 
This…was new. 
“Is this a song I might not be familiar with, or…?”  
“I’m not really sure what I need. See, I’ve reached the part of the story where it all comes crumbling down around the hero, but I’m having trouble getting into the character’s mindset. Could you find me something?” 
Dead air was bad air, but Hawke needed a few seconds to wrap her mind around the request. She’d never had someone ask for a vibe before. 
“Well,” she said, trying to sound less thrown than she was, “that depends on what sort of loss it is. Love? Business? Family?” 
“Yes.” 
“A-haaa, one of those stories.” 
“She’s been framed for murder. This is her big fall from grace.” 
“Well how much did she have to start with? Falling out of a first floor apartment hurts a lot less than falling out of a penthouse suite.” 
A laugh, as nice to listen to as the rest of him. 
“Nice metaphor. She’s a high-ranking politician, just engaged, slightly estranged from her family but calls on the holidays.” 
“Coming up next, ‘The Fires Ahead’ by No Less Blessed.”
“Much obliged.”
-
“I need a fight scene.” 
This time he sounded impatient, slightly on edge. Hawke thought she could hear the irritated finger tapping already. 
“You sound like you’re about to start one yourself.” 
A pause, and a slightly self-conscious laugh. 
“Sorry. I’ve got the idea in my head and I have to get it out before I lose it.” 
“Apology accepted, this time. What sort of fight scene? Bare fists, magic, swashbuckling swords?” 
“Fists, mostly, with whatever makeshift weapons you can make in an apartment.” 
“Bar brawl in a penthouse. Coming up, the entirety of the album Good Witch, Bad Bitch by The Annulled, first song ‘In the Tower’.”
-
“Something triumphant, but mellow, if you have it. A song to drink a glass of whiskey to.” 
“Absolutely, a song to celebrate your new book! To all my lovely listeners, be sure to pick up a copy of Beneath Suspicion by Varric Tethras, out in stores today!”  
Oh but that astonished silence felt good. Hawke smirked as he burst out laughing. Bang on the money. 
“You figured me out!” 
“You used my metaphor for your tag line!” Hawke said, indignant, to further laughter. “You’re a thief, Serrah Tethras. I should demand royalties.” 
“Hey, I credited you in the acknowledgements!” 
“What, really?” Hawke snatched up her copy and flipped through it, making sure to rustle the pages in the microphone for proper effect. “Well I’ll be damned, there I am. ‘To Hawke and WK-11, for the company and accompaniment.�� ”
“See? Credit where it’s due.” 
“It’s all the way at the end, though! No one ever reads the acknowledgements unless they’re in them.”
“What do you think would be better?” 
“Hmm. I’m thinking either you dedicate the next book to the station or cut us a check.” 
“Tough call.” 
“Let’s do a listener poll. Listeners, call in now and let us know how, exactly, Ser Tethras-” 
“Master Tethras, technically-” 
-Varric can even begin to repay the debt he owes us.” Over the sound of his laughter, she added “Coming up next, ‘Dance With Me’ by the Sabers.”
-
“Hawke, I assume.” 
She jumped and yelped, whirling around to see a startled dwarf standing by the door. 
“Bloody hell,” she gasped, hand over her heart. “Varric Tethras, I assume, master at introductions.” 
“Sorry. You sound more aware of your surroundings on the radio.” 
She snorted and laughed. 
“Not at the end of my shift, I’m not. If you’re here to make a request, this isn’t exactly how we do it.” 
“I’m here to pay a debt.” He reached into the inside pocket of his leather coat and drew out an envelope. “Since the next book won’t be out for a while, and I don’t like to owe.” 
Aware that it was rude, and doing it anyway, Hawke flipped open the envelope. Her eyes went wide. And then wider. 
“Bloody hell,” she said again. “That’s a bit much.” 
“You got me through some pretty tough blocks.” 
She tucked away the check and pushed her hair back to disguise her hesitation. 
“Still. I think you’re over by just a tad.” 
Varric tilted his head, his eyes shining expectantly. “By how much?” 
“The cost of a drink at your hole-in-the-wall of choice?” 
She was rewarded when his smile grew. It really did match his voice quite wonderfully. 
“Given that it’s 6 in the morning, how about we find a coffee shop, instead of a bar.” 
“Well if you want to be conventional about it.” 
The laugh sounded even better in person. 
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celmation-gibson · 4 years ago
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The First Drawing to post for this New Decade, and it's the Best of the Movies that I've seen in the Cinemas, and one I've heard of for a while. So here are some Favorite Characters of mine that were fun to Draw, along with the Reviews for the Films.
Missing Link - My First movie to see in the Cinemas of this Year, and it's another Laika Classic, and despite being a Box Office flop, It did receive some very Good Reviews from Critics, and even my Foodtown Boss' Grandchildren saw the Film on a Thursday(?) and they Loved it, so I figured I give this film a watch, and I was amazed at the Final result, An Amazing sight to see that some Folks out there don't know what their Missing. It was directed by Chris Butler, who was co-Director of Laika's other projects 'ParaNorman', and it had an Amazing cast such as Mr. Zach Galifianakis (Felix of 'Bob's Burgers' & Lego Joker of 'the Lego Batman Movie'), Zoe Saldana(Avatar, Gaurdians of the Galaxy), & Hugh Jackman (Van Helsing & Wolverine of the live-Action 'X-Men' films). And once again, the Folks of Laika really did some good Work & Commitment in Making this Film, especially when I loved the Film's settings & Landscaping, and the Action Sequences are Phenomenal, especially in those Action sequences when the Ship rotates with the People in it when it was Struck with the Storm's Big Wave, and How Suspenseful it was when the Characters are dangled into Ice blocks or big icicles, and how shocking on how the Villains' defeat of Lord Piggot-Dunceby, his neurotic right-hand man Mr. Collick, and Bounty Hunter Willard Stenk were killed in Cold Blood, cuz I knew that that Ice Bridge in the Film was gonna Break in a Sequence. Plus there were some Cute Humor in the Film as well, especially after when Mr. Link/Susan Roared at a Dog during a Bar Fight, and after a Moment of Silence, the Dog just attacked on of his Men and the Bar Fight continues (that's when most kids in the Auditorium laughed at that part), and how Susan literally thrown some Objects over the Wall. And I'm always fascinated with Cryptozoology creatures such as Bigfoot, Abominable Snowmen, & the Loch Ness Monster, even when they make me think about that 1970's film entitled 'the Mysterious Monsters'. And even if the film was Distributed by United Artists (a Subsidiary of MGM I suppose), it's kinda Weird now now that it was released on DVD and Blu-Ray from 20th Century Fox, even after Disney's Conquest, but can we still call ML a Non-Disney film, even if some MGM films are being released by FOX under a Contract?
Godzilla: King of the Monsters - Well me and my dad certainly love Giant Monster movies when we were Young, and I certainly remember renting every Godzilla movie on VHS back when Blockbuster was still around, and we certainly enjoyed that one 2014 'Godzilla' movie, unlike the 1998 Matthew Broderick one, so we decided to give this new kaiju movie 'Godzilla: King of the Monsters' a viewing pleasure, not to be confused with the 1956 Americanized 'Gojira' movie starring Raymond Burr. And i gotta say that it was an Epic Thrill-ride of our Lives, even the monsters we were familiar with were Amazing, Godzilla being all greatly Huge and Buffed-up as always in the USA, Rodan looking a-little Sinister lookin', Mothra playing out like the original 'Mothra' movie, starting off as a larva hatching from her Egg, then Evolving into a beautiful Butterfly-like Moth, then King Ghidorah was so Menacing in this one, and being like Lizzie in 'Rampage', he was such a "Pain-in-the-Ass" character, even once being Nicknamed 'Monster Zero', either that Nickname was also used in Japan, or used for one of Ghidorah's old film appearances in the US, that was double-billed with 'War of the Gargantuas'. I even like how they referenced some stuff from Warner Bros. & Legendary Films' 'Kong: Skull Island', as that films along with the 2014 Godzilla, and this Film are all in the same Universe, Monsterverse that is. And how surprising that there are other Kaijus in this Movie that I'm not even certainly familiar about, like that one Arachnid-like featured titan, or the Giant Ape Body/Mammoth Trunk beast, or another Muto(?), and I am wondering if the Demolished Boston at the end of the movie is gonna be the new 'Monster Island'. The human characters were good, I mostly like every member on the character Dr. Mark Russell's team, they seem likable, and the Cast was great, even after looking at the film's Poster befor we went inside the theater, I saw the familiar name of Thomas Middleditch, the same man who did voices in 'Captain Underpants' & 'Bob's Burgers', doing a Live-action role, and while writing this review, I've discovered some other actress who starred in this film include Sally Hawkins, who starred in the previous 2014 Godzilla movie, and also in Guillermo del Toro's 'the Shape of Water, and the woman playing the daughter in this film, also played in 'Stranger Things' as Eleven. And also I love on how the film as a Newer Version of Godzilla's approach-like film that was used in the old films, and even the end Credits have Cover version of Blue Oyester Cult's classic hit 'Godzilla'. And one of the Film's story plot is Fascinating, like how this Earth was once ruled by Giant Titans, until us small Humans have taken over while most of those Titans went Extinct and hiding in the Earth's Spirit.
The Secret Life of Pets 2 - Well, Illumination has done it again, as it Amuses me once before with 'the Grinch', 'Despicable Me 2', 'the Secret Life of Pets', & 'Sing', they have released a Sequel to my Favorite Secret Life of Pets movie that I saw in theaters back in 2016, and now have it on DVD. And when I heard that the Original voice for Max got replaced with a Guy I know of who has a Great Career in Animation, I was like "Whuuut?", but even after reading what Happened to that one Guy, i figured I'd give this Movie a Watch, since I'll like Patton even more. And I gotta say, this Sequel does have some Cute and Lovable moments in the Film, and those Subplots in the Film are Wonderful, leading up to a Story on how to save a White Tiger cub from a Wicked Ringmaster (voiced by Funny voice man, Mr. Nick Kroll(Sausage Party, Sing, Captain Underpants). And Snowball is more luvable in this one as he is in the first Film (Kevin Hart is so Wonderful!), even teaming up with a Cute/Funny character such as Daisy, a Shih Tzu voiced by Tiffany Haddish (who just did a guest voice role in 'Bob's Burgers'). Also with a Cute story on how Max & Duke's owner fall in Love with a Fun Gentleman and have a Kid together, and I love how the Dogs raised the Boy up, by helping him to Crawl & walk, and have Good Animal Instincts, which makes me think that what if my Sister & her Husband had a Pet Puppy that could be a good a Good Companion to my Little Layla niece. And some of the Parts in the Film have Good humor in it, like did I just heard a Cow say "Rat Turd" in front of an auditorium full of Young children? Plus Mr. Harrison Ford(Han Solo in 'Star Wars' & Indiana Jones) was great as a character named Rooster, who tries to Man/Brave up Max and a few characters, after Max has devoted his Life to Little Liam, which led to the Funny Collar on his head. And I'd figured there was something Familiar about that Young Lamb Cotton's voice in the Movie, as he is voiced by Mr. Sean Giambrone, the voice of Jeff in 'Clarence' & Shermy in the 'Adventure Time' series Finale.
Abominable - Well, Dreamworks has done it again, a new film from a Creative Team was made and about to be released soon, and when I saw the Previews of it for the First time, I thought I wasn't too interested in it, especially with the humorous Blueberry gag parts. But after a while, and see that if it looked cuter as Dreamworks' previous film 'Home(2015)', I thought I give it a go, and hopefully it look way better than that one Weird-Looking film in 1995 called 'to catch a Yeti' starring Meatloaf. But for the 'Abominable' film, since the Movie was getting Good Feedback from Reviewers and Viewers, I was Lucky to watch the Film for myself. The Characters were Cute and Funny, almost like the ones from 'Home', especially with Ethnic Protagonists. And the settings and Designs of Asia in the Open Fields, Forests, and Cities are really nice, wishing I could visit and/or live there. And the Great story is like an E.T. Extra Terrestrial thing, expect that the Heroes goes with the Creatures on an Adventure of a lifetime to bring back the Creature to his Beloved Family that they Tried to protect from any threats what's-so-ever. And there are some Amazing plot Twist among the Villainous Characters, like just when you thought the villain was actually an elderly Man who has been hunting Mythical creatures for rewards, but it turns out that the True Villain was actually a Nerdy Woman who thought was a seemingly-gentle Scientist just doing what's right for the World, who almost Barely looks like a geeky version of Kari McKeen of Disney/Pixar's 'the Incredibles', and when she let down her Hair, she may look like a Devious version of Merida of Disney/Pixar's 'Brave'. The Effects in the Movie is Super Nice & Super Awesome, especially in the Yeti's Humming effects, some Action Sequences, and that one moment when the Heroine's Father's Violin broke, the Yeti fixes it by using his own Hair for the String replacements, and I know from that Moment, with Yi's Musical skills and the Yeti's Powers combined, and when the Hearts are Full, and the Heavens are listening, Magic is bound to happen. And for the one other part when the Heroes are Gazing into the Stars, they say that the Stars could be our Ancestors watching over us, and that if we don't see any Stars in the Sky, there will be always there for us, almost like even if for some Folks lost their Love ones, they will always be there, even if we can't see them. But I'm glad i enjoyed the Movie, and I know that some Tween kid group enjoyed it as well, laughing at some Funny Parts in which i enjoyed, sometimes with the Woofing Snakes, "WOOF, there it is, WOOF, there it is".
the Addams Family - Well, a another Fantastic new Animated feature has been made, and it's based off of what I remember from my Childhood, cuz I do remember watching the early 1990's Live-Action movies of the Creepy Family starrring Christopher Lloyd and Christina Ricci, before I knew who some of the Actors were, and I remember the Animated Hanna-Barbera Kooky series on Cartoon Network a while back, even making a Spooky Guest appearance in 'the New Scooby-Doo Movies', but I haven't watched much of their old Ookie Live-action series, and the Family I'm talking about is 'the Addams Family'. And I've read a while back that an Animated CGI feature is gonna be released soon, and I knew back there that that would be interesting for me to see, so I've waited several months for the to be released in Cinemas, and I finally got a chance to do so. It was a Fun and Entertaining movie, and surprising it was made Directed and made by the same team who did the 2016 R-rated Animated film 'Sausage Party' starring Seth Rogan & Kristen Wiig, and the Character designs for the Film were to be based off the old design from the Original Addams Family comics in the old days, and with modern help from Mr. Craig Kellman(Hotel Transylvania, Madagascar). And the voice cast is amazing, we got Mr. Nick Kroll(Captain Underpants) voicing Uncle Fester, Chloe Grace Moretz(Kick-Ass) as Wednesday Addams, Finn Wilfhard(IT, "Beep, Beep, Richie") as Pugsley Addams, Charlize Theron(Kubo and the Two Strings) as Morticia Addams, Bette Midler(Hocus Pocus) as Grandmama, Snoop Dogg as Cousin Itt, Elsie Fisher(Despicable Me) as Parker Needler, even the film's co-director Mr. Conrad Vernon as Lurch ("YYYOOOOOOUUUUUUU RRRAAAAANNNGGGG?!", LOL!!!), a priest that presides over Gomez and Mortica's wedding, the spirit that haunted the abandoned asylum that Gomez and Morticia move into (who often threatened them to get out, much to the family's delight, which i find those Parts to be entirely Hilarious, even in the Theater's Booming Stereo), and Dr. Flambe, a Devil-like relative of the Addams family with fire-like abilities. And the Film's Story is very cute, even with the Film's Opening Scenes on the Origin story of the Addams Family and their "Creative Differences" with other Societies, and it gives me some Good comparisons with Sony's 'Hotel Transylvania' as Creepy Creatures who have lived through the Centuries and Years soon get into Modern times and how other people dealt with Beings like the Monsters of HT and the Addams Family and their Clan. And it would be nice if my Parents were watching the Film with me in the Theaters, cuz during the Film's Ending, me and the people in the Auditorium got a chance to sing-along with the Film's Theme Song, and everyone was Snapping their Fingers to the tune. So If you wanna celebrate Halloween in a Great and Wonderful way, I think that this film is for you, and for all you Goth, Emo, and Young-at-Heart Artists out their who would love a Creepy Treat, and just can't wait to get it on DVD. Klaus - To come clear, I've heard about this movie, and I've even seen some Pencil Tests of it way back then, but I've actually never seen the whole thing, or catch it in a Selected Theater, but I really did see the Film's Trailer. And I would say for a 2D, Hand-Drawn, Frame-by-Frame, Animated feature, these people tried to Improve something for the Classic Animation with their Coloring and Shading type Technique, and even though It's a wonderful Improvement, I wouldn't expect some folks to use this kind of thing more often for Future Celmated Features. As for the Voice cast, I already know who Mr. J.K. Simmons is, but I was surprised to read that the voice man for Mr. Jesper Johansson, is also the guy who played the Villianous Gideon Graves of 'Scott Pilgrim vs. the World' movie.
And sorry if I didn't catch 'IT: Chapter 2' like I did with the first one, But I'm hoping o see some more clips of it online. And I Never had interest in seeing the 2019 'Child's Play', though I still like Ms. Aubrey Plaza & Mr. Mark Hamill. And I had no interest in seeing 'the Angry Birds Movie 2' since I'm never a Big Fan of Thurop Van Orman's creativity. And lastly, I didn't felt like seeing the 'Spies in Disguise' movie ever since Disney's Horrible Conquest of the whole 20th Century Fox media.
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kaptainandy · 4 years ago
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My Complete In-depth TLOU 2 Thoughts:
Yeah I know, y’all have already read through countless reviews and thoughts, but I gotta get my thoughts out there. So, continue under the cut for some somewhat coherent, essay-ish style ramblings. There will be a TL;DR at the end because this is going to be long. (Spoilers ahead).
Okay so my overall perception of this game is that it’s average and I’m slightly disappointed. I’m going to start with the things I really liked and enjoyed before I get into what I didn’t like.
The visuals and gameplay were solid and enjoyable with small improvements upon the first game’s already fun and interesting, gameplay. The NPCs felt less like they were following a track in terms of their movements and felt more natural. The dialogue between enemies felt more varied than the first game, and the addition of giving everyone a name made me feel more immersed and the reaction from other characters to their fallen friends felt more believable. I feel that overall, the development of gameplay from the first to the second game felt “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it,” and I think it worked out because it’s one of the aspects I liked about the first game. The addition of craftable silencers, varied stealth takedowns, ability to go prone, tall grass to hide in, cars to hide under, larger infected (bloaters and shamblers) now being able to destroy weak walls, etc. were fun editions that helped the combat feel less repetitive. And lastly, the areas of combat that included both human enemies and infected, (and later WLF soldiers vs Seraphite soldiers)  was really cool and felt more realistic for the world of the Last of Us. It was something I think the first game lacked and it was really interesting to choose who to take down first and let the enemies fight each other.
The level design was also great. I felt it gave the player a lot of options of how they wanted to traverse the area to takedown enemies and look for supplies. Everything felt huge and worth exploring. The player was rewarded appropriately for checking every nook and cranny, and the addition of going prone to fit under small spaces or breaking glass to get into locked buildings was a lot of fun. The first day in Seattle as Ellie was especially enjoyable as you got to explore the city and mark things on your map while engaging in dialogue with Dina. Every building held something new and acted as an opportunity for Dina and Ellie to banter.
The art direction was incredible and I don’t think I’ve seen a more stunning looking game. It felt like a lot of time and care went into the design of each item and every corner of every environment. My favorite environments were definitely the homesteads of the major characters/factions (Jackson, the stadium transformed into a village by the WLF, the Seraphite island, etc.) because it told the player more about what everyday life is like for these characters and how they’re similar and different. Also, the weather, time of day, lighting, and use of space (or lack there of) added tension and changed the tone in scenes and levels appropriately. I felt engaged in each moment. I think the best use of visuals and atmosphere to set tone and really immerse the player was in the lower level of the hospital during the Abby playthrough. It was claustrophobic, damp, dark, ominous, and it always felt like danger and despair were right around the corner. And the massive clicker cluster fight in the small hospital corner was one of my favorite parts in the entire game. What would have felt like a silly and dumb concept if encountered elsewhere, was actually legitimately terrifying and really cool due to the tone set from the scene. Seeing the effects of a ground zero site for infection 25 years later was really cool to see.
The music? A masterpiece. We have to stan Gustavo Santaolalla. What more can I say? He did a great job. If nothing else, give the soundtrack a listen.
The acting was incredible, as to be expected. The emotional moments were really sold and carried by the actors and the music together. Ashley Johnson, Troy Baker, Shannon Woodward, and Laura Bailey I expected to be phenomenal and they were, but I’d like to give a shoutout to the newcomers and more minor actors as well. I felt no one had a bad performance, or even an average one. Every performance felt genuine and made me more connected to the characters.
As for new characters, I felt Yara and Lev were the ones I felt the most for and were the best written. The inclusion of Lev being trans was really cool to see as a trans person, and I felt it was executed well within the story. Lev being exiled from the Seraphites for questioning their ways and attempting to transition while Yara fought to remain by his side and protect him, made them both interesting and likable characters. They had depth to their characters. Despite coming from an environment that seemed ruthless and unforgiving they both acted as voice of reasons and wanted to help others, which was their strength and their weakness in the end, adding to their complexity.
The story had it’s moments. I found myself being impacted more during light and happy moments more so than the traumatic and sad ones. I felt a lot of time was put into showing the love and care between Ellie and Dina, and I found myself smiling like a goober when they were being goofy or together or cuddling. This also ties into the LGBTQ representation, which I personally thought was well done as I briefly touched on with Lev. I understand and respect those who felt there was too much trauma forced upon the LGBTQ characters, and I agree with that when it comes to Ellie because the whole game was essentially torturing her. I’ll at least give Naughty Dog credit for avoiding the “bury your gays” trope when they very easily could’ve done that given the constant death in the world of the Last of Us. Treatment aside, as a gay trans man, the overall presentation of these characters I felt was realistic, respectful, and gave me hope for future LGBTQ representation in triple A titles. I know this is literally doing the bare minimum but we gotta start somewhere.
Now, as for things I disliked about the game, there was a lot and I felt the weight of things I disliked outweighed those that I like since the overall experience depended on them more heavily.
I’ll start with the small things that irked me, that could be somewhat excused and are more a personal preference. For starters, I felt the game was too long. After awhile it got repetitive and having nearly the entire game take place in one city (as opposed to the first game that took place across the country), the scenery got old pretty quickly. I feel like a lot of the traveling could have been cut. For example, instead of showing a cut scene where characters say “we have to get to x” and having to basically travel the entire way, it would’ve worked better had it cut to them being at or close to their destination, thus cutting back on repetitive combat. It didn’t feel super rewarding and it only sometimes resulted in something added to the story. In the end, I felt it should be exempt for a similar reason you don’t need to show a character’s entire traveling in a movie, it’s just unnecessary.
Another minor detail that bothered me was the shamblers. Not as a concept, because I thought they were really fun new enemies and added something to combat, but the fact that they felt thrown in with no explanation. Where did they come from? Are they only in the northeast of the US? What caused them? It’s mentioned briefly by one character (I forget who) that it could be a result of excessive rain, but it was just a guess and not further elaborated on.
The fact that events and characters of the first game that were influential to Ellie and Joel’s character seemed to be inappropriately forgotten about. I understand the game is meant to be enjoyed by people who haven’t played the first game as well as fans of the first one, but it could still be done in a way to cater to both audiences. It would also help people who didn’t play the first one learn and connect more to Ellie and Joel. Why was there no Riley-related dialogue for Ellie upon seeing “The Turning” arcade machine? Hell, Riley was never mentioned at all. Same with Tess. Bill was briefly mentioned, but not by name. Ellie’s mom still remained a mystery, and I don’t recall her being mentioned. Henry and Sam? Also never mentioned. Upon seeing Sam’s robot toy in Ellie’s room (which I thought was a nice touch) I would’ve thought he might’ve been brought up in discussion with Dina about past friends. I get that it could be implied Ellie has discussed her past with Dina and others before the events of the game took place, but you have an audience to think about. Essentially you have to think that if the audience didn’t see it or hear about it, it didn’t happen. I feel the omission of past characters and events was a disservice to the first game and was really disappointing.
This relates to something else I disliked: It felt like too much time was spent on characters solo traveling and being in combat and not enough on story and relationship building. I felt the time spent traveling alone as Ellie or Abby was far greater than traveling with a companion. The dialogue and interactions between Ellie and Joel in the first game was crucial to the story and relationship, and when the characters were apart, it made the player that more eager for them to be reunited. They were only ever apart when one was missing/injured or they were unintentionally separated and it made sense to the story. In terms of missed opportunity, I especially thought Jesse’s character was mishandled and wasted. Just as the player was really beginning to know his past and connect with him, he dies a seemingly (in my opinion) stupid death. Not only that, but there’s almost no mention of him or his death after it happens, and Ellie and Dina seem relatively unaffected. I felt like Dina’s character also could’ve been fleshed out better. She was one of my favorite characters, but the things we knew about her didn’t seem to impact the story or her character that much, especially the loss she’s suffered. Her thoughts about her sister’s death and Jesse’s death are barely touched on, and I just felt like I was left wanting more.
Jesse and Dina could’ve definitely been handled better, but at least I cared about them. I didn’t have those feelings towards anyone in Abby’s story (except Yara and Lev). This relates to the bigger problem with the timeline of events and the and the order they were shown in the game, but I’ll touch on this in a bit. Before beginning to know these characters, the only thing you know is that they were involved in killing Joel, and happy about doing so. Now the challenge was to get the player to like them, which the writers failed abysmally. I couldn’t even remember half of their names when they were brought back up. The most influential of Abby’s friends, aside from Owen, seems to be Manny and the only things we get to know about him is that he’s horny, likes to get drunk, and - much like the writers - tries to force other characters to like each other (i.e. Mel and Abby). He only exists to establish Mel and Abby’s relationship and to save and help Abby when they encounter Tommy trying to snipe them. Mel and Abby (who I will touch on extensively in her own paragraph because yikes) both seemed like miserable people to be around and their relationship seemed catty and to simply revolve around Owen. I’m kinda sick of having women characters’ relationships revolve around the fact that one of them used to date the guy that the other is now currently dating. It’s stupid and I couldn’t give less of a fuck if that’s the biggest roadblock in their relationship. Also Mel calling Abby a piece of shit seemed unwarranted based on what we knew. Like we knew Mel was against the brutality of Joel’s death, but the way she spoke to and of Abby seemed like there was something else that the writers forgot to tell/show the audience. Abby never did anything personal to Mel (that Mel knew of) yet Mel decides to hate her guts and be unreasonable? Nora was kind of okay and seemed like an actual decent person (aside from wanting Joel dead and them making that shitty comment to Ellie) in her relationship with Abby. She was willing to risk getting in trouble to help Abby, but we weren’t given enough time with her to make me give a shit, especially after what she said to Ellie. Owen had potential to be likable; he was charming, funny, a bit of a fuckboy, but nonetheless was optimistic and hopeful. But for some reason the writers decided to throw out any ounce of care we had for him by having him cheat on Mel with Abby in a shitty sex scene. 
Now for my thoughts on Abby. My thoughts about her also relate to my thoughts on the order of events, and a few other aspects I haven’t mentioned yet, so forgive me if my thoughts are a bit all over the place. I really really tried to sympathize and like Abby, but holy shit they fucked up every possible opportunity to create some sort of likability. For starters, it boggles my mind that they had her commit the atrocity that was Joel’s death as basically the introduction to her character. Not only that, but just mere minutes beforehand Joel had saved her life and shown her nothing but kindness and she goes on to torture him and continue to do so while his surrogate daughter begs and screams for her to stop. She shows no guilt both in the moment or afterwards. It doesn’t eat her up inside at all. Every time Joel is brought up by Abby and her friends, she wastes no time expressing how elated she is that she not only killed him, but did so in such a gruesome way. You really expect fans to even WANT to like this character after she tortures and kills the only other character (besides Ellie) that fans LOVED. And I’m not upset that Joel died, because I expected he would and there were a million ways it could’ve been done appropriately to both the story and fans. But the way he died and how early he died at the hands of essentially some nobody really rubbed me the wrong way, they essentially threw him away without any honor to the experience we had with him in the first game. So, that’s our introduction to Abby and her friends. Again, the writers had the challenge of trying to make us like her, but it felt like they didn’t even try. Every attempt to make her likable fell flat either due to an action that happened right before or after. Abby’s only expression of sorrow is after the death of her father and Owen. Manny’s death is never mentioned after it happens and she seems to act like it never really happened. There is no remorse when she kills Jesse and Tommy, or anyone for that matter. She and (seemingly most of the WLF) condone and even get off on torturing Seraphites (they’re terrible people but if you’re trying to make me like a character, I don’t think you should have them condone the torturing of anyone). Abby is quick to kill Dina even after learning she’s pregnant, to which she comments, “good” and only stops because Lev is an actual decent human being and gets her to stop. And the writers have the gall to try and compare her to Ellie; trying to be like, “see she and Ellie aren’t so different uwu.” Meanwhile, Ellie is crying each time she hits Nora; she just wants Abby, she didn’t want to have to torture Nora like that. Ellie is traumatized after finding out that Mel is pregnant after killing her. Ellie is constantly shown to be grappling with the consequences and feelings of her actions. She experiences guilt and shame while Abby is shown time and time again to not regret her wrongdoings. The writers really tried to push us to like Abby by having her care for Yara and Lev, but I felt she did it out of selfishness and needing to feel good about herself not because she truly cared for these kids.
Going back to Joel’s death, the gruesomeness wasn’t even warranted based on Abby’s reasoning. Abby’s dad didn’t get murdered in front of her and he was killed because he stood in Joel’s way, holding a scalpel to Ellie. Jerry’s death was quick and painless too. And I know people will be like, “but Abby was also mad because now there’s no cure because of what Joel did!!!” However, she had no problem wanting to kill, or leave Ellie alone despite knowing she was immune. Abby was never on a quest to capture Ellie or talk her into finding the Fireflies with her (which would have made for an interesting storyline actually), she wanted her dead too. Joel’s death was the most tasteless death of a beloved character I think I’ve ever experienced.
Also the order of events was really detrimental to the story and especially Abby’s character. The way that flashbacks were thrown in throughout the story after Joel’s death fell flat and made Joel’s death feel even worse. The Joel and Ellie flashbacks were honestly the highlight of the game because we got to spend time with the only 2 fleshed out and likable characters. Had they been placed at the beginning of the game and also showed more of their relationship after Joel tells Ellie the truth about the Fireflies, I would’ve felt his death would have been more okay (still shitty, but slightly better than what they gave us) because it would feel more unexpected and it would hit better emotionally after these moments we had with Ellie and Joel. Hell, the majority of the game should have been as it was advertised (which is another issue I’m gonna touch on shortly): the rocky relationship between Joel and Ellie after Ellie learns the truth and the two of them going on a revenge quest together, as Joel tried to earn Ellie’s forgiveness. The events presented in the order in the game also made it impossible for anyone to try to like Abby. We learn she commits the biggest atrocity and we know all her friends are going to end up dead, so there’s no emotional impact when we see how they die because we’ve known the whole time they were gonna be killed by Ellie. Both Abby’s character and the story they were trying to tell could’ve have been really great and interesting but it was just so poorly executed. 
The story itself seemed so amateur as well. It just boiled down to “revenge and violence are bad uwu” while giving the player no choice but to engage in said violence. They tried to create a gray area between good and evil like they did in the first game, especially with Abby’s story but they ended up doing the opposite. Also the weak use of animals and pregnancy to create emotional impact is just so easy. They couldn’t think of any other way to make us connect to the characters except “hey look they love this animal” or “this is someone who is going to have a baby under these rough circumstances” and it’s just sloppy writing especially because they use both tactics MORE THAN ONCE. 
The intersecting stories, themes of “what really is good/evil,” redemption of a thought to be unlikable character, and the death of a beloved character would have been so interesting and emotionally impactful if done right, but it felt like Naughty Dog chose every terrible option and outcome, resulting in the wet fart that we got. It felt sloppy with no honoring of the previous game or characters. We all cared, but apparently the writer’s didn’t. The ending with Ellie essentially being left with what she feared most, being alone, would’ve been way more appropriate had anything prior warranted this consequence. Not only is she alone, but Ellie loses the ability to play guitar, a way in which she remembered and felt connected to Joel. Like she goes through hell, and 99% of her actions are justified, yet she gets punished.
Lastly, I want to touch on the false advertising for the game. Normally, I wouldn’t be upset because movie trailers do it all the time where there will be subtle differences or added scenes that don’t occur in the movie, but this was a whole other level of fuckery. I get trying to mislead people to think something is going to happen only to steer them in a different direction, in fact I think this is really cool and fun when done well. However, this was straight up lying and essentially selling an entirely different game. Not only were these lies perpetuated in trailers and ads, but even in events such as E3. Neil Druckmann constantly harped on the idea that the game was going to be about Ellie and Joel having a falling out after Ellie learns the truth and how they navigate their relationship through their next adventure together. Yet the game was never about that, instead it was just a story about drawing shitty parallels between a beloved character and a new character who was destined to be unlikable from the start.
In the end, I think it’s still worth playing because I’ve seen so many mixed reviews floating around so I feel it’s best to make your own opinion. And if nothing else, it’s a fun experience if you’re just looking at a fun game to play if you don’t really care too much about the series or characters as a whole. Will I return to this game? Not anytime soon likely. But just being the fan that I am of the series I think I’ll try to get most of the achievements eventually, and to experiment with photomode because the visuals are so good. Even with how much of a disservice this game is to the series, I don’t think it ruins it for me. It just makes me love and appreciate the first game even more and I think they could bounce back from this, but they’d need to put in a shit ton of work to earn their core audience back.
TL;DR: As an addition to the Last of Us as a series, the game is a huge disappointment and disservice, but as a standalone game it’s slightly above average. The gameplay, music, and visuals slap but the story, characters, and relationship building (or lack thereof) suck. Naughty Dog lied in a highly scummy way to fans via advertisements and trailers. Fuck Abby. Stan Lev and Yara.
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purplesurveys · 4 years ago
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do you think weird it's for someone to have never tried soda? I’d be surprised that they were never curious enough to try it if they can access soda, but then again I live in a third world country and not everyone gets to try everything. I’ve learned to judge less when it comes to opportunities like this. is there any foreign film you recommend? Portrait of a Lady on Fire was fucking intense and so, so so good. do you have the same religious beliefs as your parents? My dad might also be atheist, but I’ve never known for sure. He once confided in me that he was atheist in college but “it changed” when he met my mom... but honestly we’ve always grunted the same way whenever my mom tells us it’s time to pray or if we have to watch our weekly mass livestream. So idk. I think he just acts Catholic to appease her, but yeah he’s definitely weird about it. which floor of your house/building are you on now? Second floor. It’s my first time to want to hang out in my bedroom in months because IT’S ACTUALLY RAINING and it’s cold enough in my room to wanna stay here. are there any maps hanging in your room? No maps here.
are you often a third wheel? or is someone a third wheel to you? Yep I third wheel pretty often. My girlfriend and I study in different schools and I have friends in my school who are couples, so if Gab isn’t visiting my campus for the day I just tag along with my couple friends. I don’t get bothered or feel insecure by it because I have my own relationship lolol what's the last dvd you bought? Holy shit...DVD? I don’t even remember anymore. It was most likely an Audrey Hepburn film, back in 2013 when I was really into her. That or Beyoncé’s Life Is But A Dream documentary, which was the last thing she ever released on DVD. Also came out in 2013. tell me about your favorite pair of jeans. High-waisted 90s-styled jeans. Nothing much to say other than they fit me well, I got a lot of compliments whenever I have them on, and they match any t-shirt I paired with, which made me like wearing t-shirts again haha. would you ride a motorcycle if given the chance? (or have you?) I would but only if someone super experienced was driving. I haven’t been on one because my parents don’t allow me to, and tbh I don’t mind the rule because I’m mostly scared of motorcycles anyway. is your hair healthy? No. Some hair salon I went to around ten years ago put some cheap products in my hair when I had it rebonded and it never felt 100% healthy again. Until today it gets very stiff when it gets into contact with water and only shampoo, and I always have to pair it with conditioner. if a hotel offered free breakfast in bed, what would you order? Eggs Benedict and some very creamy warm coffee. how often do you take a train? Never. I don’t trust the public transport here and I’m better off driving in my own car. what are your thoughts on reincarnation? (have you ever read up about it?) I don’t think of it at all because I don’t believe in it. I don’t mind others who are into it, just don’t shove it down my throat.  what's your favorite led zeppelin song? I don’t have one. does your home have a balcony/deck/porch? Yeah we have a balcony. We used to have a full balcony, but we transformed 3/4 of it into my brother’s current room a few years ago because he was starting to grow up and he needed his own room. We retained 1/4 of the space so that it can be the place where my dog can still do his business. what does your closet/wardrobe say about you? It says I am a very messy person who can’t keep her closet consistently organized lol. It will also tell you I’m quite girly based on the clothes I own. do you enjoy theatre? I was never a fan. how would you feel about traveling abroad alone? If I was offered the chance to do it I certainly wouldn’t give it up, but I really, really, preferably would travel with at least one companion. Traveling is one of those experiences I’d want to share with someone, and I would hate if I had to go back to my hotel room at the end of the day with no one to talk to. who would you call a lyrical genius? Laura Jane Grace. how do you treat yourself? My go-to gift for myself is giving into my cravings hahaha. Nothing speaks more to me than food, and if I feel like I deserve a reward for a job well done, I’ll go to a slightly more expensive restaurant to celebrate. do you have an interesting passport? Idk, it’s a normal one and I never had it customized or anything. are you going to pursue a career according to what you enjoy? I hope I get to. I really enjoyed my PR internship and I’d love to be headed there. what happens to your old clothes? They go to the very back or the very bottom of my wardrobe for the most part. My mom will make us throw out clothes we don’t like anymore once a year, so that’s the time I get to get rid of them. what's your favorite frozen treat? Cornetto ice cream is one of my faaaaavorite comfort snacks. The end of the cone where they save chocolate chunks is the best part. who supports you financially? My parents. Getting increasingly guiltier about it by the day, too. if you wanted to go to the movie cinema, how would you get there? I would wait for the clock to strike midnight tonight, because in 48 minutes they’ll finally loosen lockdown rules AND I CAN FINALLY GO OUT. Hahaha. After that I’ll jump to my car, drive out of the village, take a u-turn, and I’m there. how many pillows are on your bed? Two big ones. would you pay more for organic food? Only if I had the money for it. Organic food is a thing of the (very) privileged here and is not very accessible to begin with, unless you’re in posher grocieries. have you ever had a crush on a sibling's friend or a friend's sibling? I haven’t. I’d find it weird considering they’re all a bit younger than me. do you have a friend who mooches? what to do about it? (or is it you?) She’s never done it with me but I’ve heard enough horror stories about her to know that she tends to do this, but yeah Mils is apparently quite the moocher. I’m soooo not one; I’d wait for my friends to offer to pay for stuff, but otherwise I’m fighting them over the bill lmao. do you know much about feng shui? (do you use it?) I’m not knowledgeable on it but I’m definitely familiar with it, because we have a rather large Filipino-Chinese community/culture in the country that glorifies feng shui during Chinese New Year season. I don’t really have a choice but have Chinese culture shoved down my throat whether it’s in the news, the media, or my Chinese friends.  how would you make friends in a quiet class? I preferably wouldn’t because I’m only interested in getting good grades and getting that class over with hahaha. But if I was interested in making a friend or two, I’d typically scan the classroom and see who seems to be responsible? Like if they take notes as hard as I do. are you generally a quick learner? No. I take some time, and I especially take long if the thing being taught is more hands-on, like origami. I’ve just never been good at following certain tasks, and I prefer learning from reading instructions. what's your favorite spot to read? Skywalk or the dining table. has anyone given you a nickname you didn't like? (what was it?) Not that I can recall. I’m okay with all of them. did you know that buddha is not considered a god to buddhists? Yes. do you save tickets from movies, etc.? If it’s a significant enough date or event, sure. I’ve kept my 2018 Paramore gig ticket to this day, but like I’ve thrown out my ticket for Knives Out because I hated the movie lol. without looking him up, who was jim morrison? Vocalist for The Doors. when's the last time your bedroom was painted/wallpapered? Idk, 2006 or 2007 when the house was being made? It’s never been repainted. teach me something in another language. (not french/chinese/german/arabic) Why so language-ist lmaooooooo uh “Nakauwi ka na?” means “Did you get home? / Have you gotten home?” what type of body wash did you last use? Idk, I never read the labels on it actually. what type of music do you like and why? Right now I’m into lo-fi because it makes me feel relaxed, but I’m also starting to get into the recent trend where today’s artists put out songs that sound like they’re from the 80s, like Dua Lipa’s Physical or The Weeknd’s Blinding Lights - I think the genre is called synth pop/synthwave. They simply sound cool haha and they’re awesome to listen to while driving. if you randomly want to eat something in the house, do you eat it or wait? I check the time, like if we’re supposed to be having dinner soon, then act accordingly. who knows the most about you (besides yourself)? My girlfriend. do you have a nervous habit? (e.g. biting nails, tapping feet, smoking) Plucking eyebrow or eyelash hair, but that behavior is reserved for extreme cases where I’m incredibly and inconsolably anxious. On a milder day I would vape, sigh a lot, or bite my nails. how's your favorite pro sports team doing lately? I don’t watch sports with teams. would you be/are you a good role model to a younger sibling? I don’t get into trouble but I’m not the best influence either.
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suicidalcatz · 5 years ago
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DOG DAYS ARE OVER : CHAP 5
AN: Hello frens! Are you having a nice sunday? In this chapter we exchange some texts. But also we make fun of Josh just because. In the next chapter, things get complicated between the three of you... I hope you’ll like it. Please feel free to comment or send me prompts!
Pairing : Jake Kiszka x Reader
Genre : College AU
Previous parts : Prologue ; Chap 1 ; Chap 2 ; Chap 3 ; Chap 4
Masterlist : here
Chapter five : New number, who dis ?
Packing never made me feel weird before. It was friday afternoon so a majority of students were going home or, like me, to their parents' place for the week end. Most of the time I'd stay in my dorm with Mandy because we had so much homework there was no point coming home at all. I already knew for a fact that I'll be locked up in my room all week end painting, drawing, and cutting paper, but I promised I'd see them since it has been a while. My parents' cooking and comfy house usually made me impatient but not this time. I knew the boys were staying on campus because they lived far away, and it gave me mixed feelings. Part of me longed for Jake, and the feeling of his touch on my wrist was still so vivid I sometimes got the impression his hand was still here. On the other hand, he and Josh were big family guys, and seeing them missing their home so much while I was reluctant to see mine made me feel like a spoiled brat. That's why instead of calling to tell my parents I wasn't coming home this week end either, I went home to enjoy every bit of it.
My mom had already made my favorite dish, and dad was excitedly chatting about this new movie  he saw on tv the other day. It felt good, I could allow myself to relax a little, take a bath, hang out with some friends for an hour or two after finishing an assignment.
Sitting at my desk, I dropped the pen and stretched my back, falling back onto the chair and looking at my work. I did good this week, so the teacher didn't make me redo any of my assignments, which was very fortunate because I still had a flyer design to create. I unfolded that one Jake gave to me and took a look at all the infos, preparing a draft of my first idea. Why they didn't let the Illustration department do the visual com design was a mystery. By the look of it I bet it was the Music and Architecture dudes who made it. There was a bunch of band names thrown in the middle, what looked like a pixelled stock image of a Santa hat in a corner, « with beer ! » in a really ugly comic bubble in another, and the worst was that they though Comic Sans was an acceptable font choice. Unbelievable. That's why we can't let Architecture dudes do anything.
Creating a decent design took me a solid two hours, which was way faster than I planned. Getting up, I studied it from a distance, looking for flaws. It wasn't the best I could've done but it was pretty cool and not printed with neon yellow paper. For now, I'll rest my head for a bit and see if I can sketch the few more ideas I came up with later on. Feeling proud of my work, I took a picture to send it to Jake. It was dark and quiet outside, and one glance at the clock confirmed my thoughts on how late it was already. Biting my lower lip, I struggled. Maybe he was sleeping.
I never texted him since he gave me his number. I mean he gave it to me so we could talk about the flyers, right ? I would've been uneasy using it for another reason. Pondering whether of not I should maybe wake him up, I started pacing in my room, tidying and touching things, stuff I did when I was nervous. My arm still had some black marker on it, faded shapes and symbols vaguely resembling numbers, like an old letter with smudged ink and discolored paper. At first I didn't wanted to wash it off. Mandy and I got so excited by it we cheered together right after school, and classmates seemed intrigued by it. The cold weather didn't allow me to show too much skin so it could look like a tattoo, or a hot guy gave me his number (which was technically true). It could look like I just wrote it myself, but it was totally lame so I didn't want to think about it. Although I really enjoyed that empowering feeling of being someone's interest, at least a little, I scrubbed it hard the same evening. I didn't know if Josh was aware of it and couldn't raise suspicion in case he wasn't. It looked like we were doing something bad, and maybe we were, I had no clue. Guys had that weird rule regarding friends dating brothers and according to Netflix romcoms I was walking on thin fucking ice so I wasn't taking any risks. To be honest I don't think Josh would mind us talking but Jake seemed like a secretive guys so if he told Josh then I'll talk about it and otherwise, I won't. I'll just go with the flow and follow his lead on this, it was safer.
It was almost 2AM when I sent the pic and left my room to get a nice cup of tea/coffee after all these efforts. By the time I got back I had one new message.
« Hi to you too »
I felt my heart jump a little when I saw his name at the top of the screen, and his first text made me smile. I got so pumped by all these design ideas that I forgot to tell him it was me. The picture made it clear enough, though, but maybe it was a bit rude of me. Taking a sip of hot tea/coffee before putting the mug on the night table, I sat on the bed, eyes still on my phone, thinking of an answer. It took me maybe too long because I kept on rereading it to be sure I wouldn't embarrass myself with a typo.
«��Hi, sorry. So what do you think ? »
The phone was threwn on the blankets and I turned on the tv to make me think of something else than his future reply. Saying that I was confident would be half-true. The design was good or so I thought so, but then again tastes were all too subjectives and art was tricky. He had all the right to hate it, I wouldn't take it personally (well at least not a hundred percent...). Idly watching a re-run of some old sitcom, I continued to quietly empty my cup and switch channels without really paying attention when I heard my phone buzz and let everything down to grab it.
« I got to admit you were right, our flyers sucked, this one looks fantastic »
And maybe my cheeks started turning pink. Compliments on my art meant a lot, more than those on my personnality or physic. It was really rewarding to have someone enjoy something you created from your own hands. It felt better than any other flattery, so the reply came naturally.
« I'm so glad you like it. I had a few more ideas in stock just in case »
His next message came so fast this time that I didn't even put down my phone yet when I felt it vibrate in my palm.
« Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. I'll owe you one. »
His sweet personality made a smile spread across my face. I took the flyer in my hand again, studying it. The number of bands playing this day was surprisingly high. Some of them I knew because I either heard people talk about it, or knew the guys playing. One especially because they kept rehearsing their rap lyrics in the dorms for everybody to enjoy, which I didn't since they started loudly singing at three in the morning and ignored all my complaints about the noise of their boombox. But most of the bands, no, I didn't know. I continued watching intently the names of the bands playing as if I'll have an epiphany and guess which was Jake's. Giving up, I took my phone again to tap.
« Don't sweat it, I'm glad to help. So... which one are you... ? »
Again, the reply was faster than the first texts we exchanged, despite the late hour.
« You mean the band ? Guess you'll have to come and find out »
I raised an amused eyebrow at this. Getting cocky, aren't we ?
« Alright then, Mister Mysterious, I'll wait and see. »
« You won't regret it. », replied Jake, and for some reason my face started heating up again.
We didn't speak for several minutes, I didn't know what to say now that the topic was closed, and I had nothing to add to it. Switching channels and drinking tea/coffee didn't gave me much help either, at this hour it was either old re-runs, or tv shopping. My eyes looked at the digital alarm clock, and it was almost three in the morning. That's how I knew what to write next.
« I just thought about it, but didn't I wake you up ? »
He was fast as ever again this time, probably wide awake and without anything to do.
« No, don't worry. Rehearsing with my brothers. I'm taking a break until Sam and Josh stop arguing and find a compromise for the new song. Our friend Danny's being the peace keeper once again, I left him alone on the battlefield and went out for a smoke. »
The war metaphor made me chuckle lightly, causing my imagination to run wild. The thought went through my mind that I couldn't believe they would argue, but since they were brothers it was normal I guess, even if they seemed pretty close. Close enough to form a band together at least. I never saw Josh angry, but he had a very vivid temperament, so it wasn't really much of a surprise either. My mind wandered a bit, and I briefly wondered how Jake looked in a heated argument. Probably hot, but also intimidating. He had that kind of quiet aura that seemed like it could become suddenly agitated, like a spotless watercourse that got troubled by the rain or rocks that ricocheted on it. I couldn't explain it, but it was how my limited knowledge of him perceived it.
My phone buzzed again, and this time it was a picture that made me snort in the ugliest way possible. It was a very unflattering close up of a moody and clearly unamused Josh who looked like he was in the middle of scolding Jake for doing whatever he did that got him upset. More of it  came, one after the other, for my greatest amusement, and by looking at them in order I could see his actions and movements, like a flipbook of ugly pictures of an angry Josh wearing a colorful dyed t shirt and ample pants that I assumed were his pajamas. The last one got me shaking with laughter, poor Josh looked awful, in a middle of what I assumed was a menacing speech for Jake to stop his bullshit, with an eye half closed and his mouth stuck the weirdest twist of the lips humanly possible. I saved this one as blackmail material, might be helpful in the future.
I didn't even know what to respond to that, they all radiated such chaotic energy it was splendid. Jake was quicker, and sent me a text this time, saying Josh threw his slipper at his face and that he was lucky he hadn't had the tambourine in his hands at that moment.
« I guess rehearsal is over for today, hopefully they'll make up their minds about the song tomorrow. Thanks again for the flyers, see you on monday, we'll print them. »
I never knew I'd be that impatient to go back to school before meeting him.
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gigglybts · 6 years ago
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Agent Siren
Agent!Jimin x Newbie Agent!Reader
4.5 K of whatever this is
World Government!Au, Mild Language, Eventual smut (so long as somebody wants a part two)
After being scouted and recruited as an Agent for the Government, you are thrown into Precinct 73, in Unit 5, regulating drugs and alcohol. You end up catching the warm eyes of a certain Agent in Unit 2 and becoming the next renowned “Siren Bait.”
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“Who is that?” 
“That is Agent Siren. Don’t fall for him princess. It’s his job to seduce, then kill.” Agent Vex warned. 
  Agent Siren (Jimin) looked like a god among men, well actually that was a lie. Most of the agents around here looked other worldly. But- Agent Siren…
 Wow.
   He was simply training with a punching bag, mauling the thing till it fell to the floor. He labored his breaths for a few moments and caught sight of you staring at him. He gave a simple smirk, and raked his hand through his hair. His eyes never diverted  from yours. His gaze flashed a fiery color and with that, he turned back to his task. Agent Vex watched the exchange with annoyance. “Come on.” He quickly whisked you away, in hopes of severing the newly formed tie between you and Agent Siren.
But even she knew it would be in vain, Agent Siren… once his interest was piqued, there was nothing that could keep him from seeking it out. And now, his sights were set on you. 
“Now continuing on, this is where your precinct trains. Though, on lax hours you’re allowed to roam anywhere in your precinct’s division.” 
This World, Earth, was now run by a single government. For it to work there had to be a lot of power, a lot of people, a lot of checks and balances. The Military was one of them. Now you work for them, you’re part of Precinct 73. This contains most of Eastern Asia. What used to be China, Russia, Japan, Korea, and many other countries, was now just Precinct 73. Then the precinct was split into divisions. Each and every unit has authority over a certain factor to aid the well being of the people who live in the precinct. Your unit, is over Drugs and Alcohol. Not the worst job. Unit 2 has to deal with “Justice,” the nice term that the government uses. Justice is keeping people from fighting or killing. Not fun.
“Most of your Unit, Unit 5, spends their time in the tavern. Drinking here is allowed, as you can see.” Agent Vex explained as we passed what seemed to be the tavern. “But only in the time that you are not assigned something within the next 12 hours. Other than that, it’s free.”
 “Following along, this is the diner-“ we reached the extremely vintage looking restaurant as we peered through the hallway glass as we passed by. “The diner is open to all of your precinct all day, every day.” You think you’d be spending most of your free time, there. 
Then there was the library, the main cafeteria, the armory, the medic, and a bunch of other useless things, till you finally made it to your room. Which is where Agent Vex left you to your own devices. It was getting late but you had barely eaten all day. The induction took much longer than you anticipated. You decided to go ahead and test out the diner, see if it was what you dreamed of in the past 30 minutes.
   ...
  Almost No one was in the diner that evening, aside from the lady working the front and the duo seated in one of the booths. Taking a seat far from them, you picked up on of the menus. This was a peaceful atmosphere, the music was from the 1960s, a bit more than two centuries ago. Shocking, isn’t it? You enjoyed this music.
 It was comforting, in an odd way. “So you’re the new kid, huh?” A waitress greeted you, pen and paper in hand, all of her hair slicked back in a puffy bun. You smiled, letting out a short laugh. “That obvious?” You asked. “We very rarely have new people show up to the diner, and we saw you walking with Agent Vex a bit ago.” This woman had a kind aura about her. She had an intimidating gaze, one that challenged your own, but her warm smile and composure helped tone down the darkness of her eyes. “Agent Viper.” You greeted, giving a simple nod. “Imani.” She smiled. She wasn’t an agent? Huh. 
“Are you ready to order?” She asked. 
You nodded and told her what you wanted, so she wrote it down, and then walked back behind the double doors to the kitchen.
“Is anyone sitting here?” 
Your head snapped up at yet another unfamiliar voice, but this time… it was some Agent that you hadn’t seen yet.
 “No?” 
You idiot.This dude has PLAYBOY written on his damn forehead. And you just gonna go along with it like that. Alright.
He slipped into the seat across from you, a charming smile on his face. “So, you’re new, right?” 
You nodded silently.
 “Are you getting along well?” He questioned. 
Once again, you nodded. Wow, character development. Right?
 The Agent sighed and grabbed your hand. “I’m Agent Heath. If you ever need anything, I’ll be happy to help. Ok?” His eyes were untrustworthy, but his smile was charming. 
A hand slammed down on the table between you two. Agent Siren, was facing Agent Heath with a glare that could commit genocide. “She’s not a toy to play with, Heath. Why don’t you head to where your subunit belongs? I do believe that Vex wouldn’t be very happy to hear that you’re missing training.” Agent Heath seathed at his words, getting up grumbling and trudging away. 
Agent Siren smirked and turned to you. “Hi, I’m Siren, Unit 2, subunit 1, you are?” He asked, filling Agent Heath’s absence. “Agent Viper, Unit 5, subunit 1.” You replied shortly. 
This was the man Vex warned you about? He didn’t seem too bad? Heath seemed much worse. 
Agent Siren gave you a smile. “Well, I have training to get to, so I’ll see you around, Yea?” You smiled in return, not sparing a word. So he took his leave and exited the dinner, but not without sparing you one last glance before he walked out the door.
 “Looks like you’ve got loverboy’s eyes on you.” Imani said from your side, your order in her hands. You scoffed out a laugh. “Yea, sure.” 
“Oh, no, Agent Siren is totally interested in you. But, he isn’t exactly the relationship type, so be careful. Although, if you do give him the time of day, he will treat you well while he’s around. Agent Heath on the other hand, is just a One Night Stand type. So I’d steer clear if I were you, especially since he’ll hold it over your head.” She explained.
 “How do you know so much?” You questioned her as she finished setting all of your food in front of you. 
“Honey, this diner is full of gossip.” 
 ...
“So you’re the new Siren Bait?”  Agent Firefly (Hoseok) commented, sliding in the seat next to you, in the uncomfortable cafeteria tables. “Siren Bait?” You scoffed. 
“It’s the nickname for anyone Agent Siren chooses to take interest in. He doesn’t take interest in many, so consider yourself lucky.”  Agent Python (Taehyung) sighed sitting down in front of us, his lunch stacked full. “Feeding an army today?” You mused, a smirk on your face. “Thankfully no, but you may be feeding a mermaid tonight.” He grinned a lewd smile on his face. 
You reached across the table and smacked him across the head. “We’re not in the same unit! That could never happen! The higher-ups would get onto us so quick.” You rolled your eyes. 
“Aw, are we talking about Viper’s poor love life?” Agent Beluga (Jin) snickered, sitting down next to Mamba who was joined by Agent Mamba (Yoongi). You huffed, crossing your arms annoyed.
 This was your subunit. The five of you were the top dogs of your unit, being Subunit 1. Meant to take the highest risk, highest reward missions that only you could handle. “Cheer up. We have a mission this afternoon, you get to go on your first mission!” Agent Python smirked.
 You rolled your eyes and just continued eating your meal.
 ...
    “Viper, your six.” You whipped around, just in time to catch the fist flying at you. You quickly dropped the man to the ground, knocking him out with a single punch. “Thank you.” You replied quietly to Agent Mamba, who had given you the warning through the wonderful tech that allowed for you all to communicate with each other.
 The Mission was going fairly well. Firefly and Beluga had already obtained the cargo, using the plane it was loaded in to route it back to your Precinct’s Headquarters. Which now just left Mamba using a sniper from the compound’s watch tower, and Python and you searching for the crew that was about to smuggle that plane into precinct 32, around olden day California and Mexico. 
“Found them.” Mamba notified. “Northeast corner of the compound, light gray brick building, 20 feet tall. Looks like they’re playing poker.” You spotted the building and rushed towards it with silent footsteps. 
You creeped up to the side, carefully peering in through the crack in the slightly ajar door. “Six men, two armed, three are drunk.” You whispered. “I’m in position.” Python said. “Go.” Mamba commanded. You burst through the doors, aiming your pistol at the necks of each. The guns you had were filled with tranquilizer disks, that would attach to open skin and knock them out, which can be used as a shock collar from there with a remote control. The Six men were all out on the floor within second. You caught three, Python got two, and Mamba caught one with his Sniper Rifle. “No more heat signatures on the radar. Unit 2, subunit 1 will be there shortly to apprehend all civilians involved.” Agent Vex said, her voice coming over the coms for the first time this mission. 
The Mission was a success. “Alright, the lawbooks are coming! Let’s get out of here!” Agent Python said. “We have to wait till they arrive.” You told him, not wanting any assailant to get away. “You just want to stay because Siren is in that subunit, don’t you?” Python teased. “What? Siren is in that subunit?” You asked, genuinely surprised. “Oh don’t act all-“ 
“She’s right, Python, we need to wait.” Mamba said, cutting Python off. Python sighed.
 “Who is right?” An unfamiliar voice cut in the coms. Mamba let out a dry laugh. “Agent Tetra, nice to know you like to listen to coms outside of your unit.” 
“Don’t be so uptight Mamba, Siren just wanted to see if his new bait was still alive after her first mission.” Agent Tetra teased. “She has a name.” The all to familiar voice of Agent Siren growled. “Oh yes, Agent Viper, is it? She can hear us, right?” Tetra was pissing you off more and more by the second with his taunting voice. “Tetra, shut it. You know that this is against the rules. You will not get one of my members in trouble.” Mamba hissed, obviously annoyed.
 “Ah, you’re no fun.” Then the voices ceased.
 “Viper, stay away from Siren. You hear me?” Mamba asked. 
“Loud and clear.” You replied. 
Your words held no weight, though. Even you could tell. 
...
      You held yourself underwater, keeping your breath in your lungs, attempting to maximize your time. The water was calming and comfortable as you ignored the forming of the burn in your lungs. It slowly began to increase, making it hard to stay underwater. You shot up to the surface, breaching the water. You stopped your timer that lay on the edge of the pool. 00:04:56 You groaned. You have yet to break 5 minutes. You still had to be at, at least, 00:06:30 by the end of this week. You had a mission that required you to hold your breath for at most 7 minutes. You were nowhere near it. If you weren’t, they would send Agent Anaconda instead. Agent Anaconda was a man you loathed. His very being pissed you off from day one of your training. 
In your peripheral vision, you could see a pair of feet standing before you. Your eyes began to follow up the legs, to the abdomen, to the face. 
You tensed up when you saw the breathing noise taking smile of Agent Siren. 
“Um…” You felt dumb. It was as if You couldn’t even form a sentence. He squatted down, sort of dropping to your eye level, but at the same time- unintentionally emphasizing something else….
If you get my drift?
….damn. 
You averted your eyes back to his face, avoiding looking anywhere below that.  “Having a hard time?” He asked. “No. I’m ok.” The words left your mouth sounding much more confident in yourself than you were at this moment. He chuckled, giving a bright smile. “Here. I’ll be right back.” He said and turned to walk away, going straight into the boys restroom. You furrowed your brows, but shook it off. You took a breath before dunking yourself back under water. 
Time ticked by, second by second. When you breached the water, following the intense burning in your lungs, you went to turn off the timer, but it was not in the place you left it. Instead, there were a pair of feet. You were now groping a pair of feet. You looked up to meet the person attached to the feet only to find Agent Siren again… topless. “00:04:59.” He told you, your timer in the palm of his hand. Flustered, you kicked away from the edge of the pool. He slowly got down, putting his feet into the water with the back of his knees pressed against the edge of the pool. He smirked down at you, lazily. You took a relaxed breath of air before disappearing underwater. You didn’t want anything to do with that anymore, so you say underwater for as long as you possibly could. 
Soon your lungs were burning, screaming at you to get some air as your vision began to get hazy. But you wanted nothing more than to avoid the man, whose feet you just groped. But your mind betrayed you, and gave a last ditch effort to get some oxygen. You kicked up, breaching the surface and taking in several gulps of air. “00:06:04.” You looked up at him, shocked, you dropped a whole minute?!? You silently celebrated in your head, now you were one leap closer to your end goal. He dropped down to the floor, letting his feet fall into the pool. “Would you like some help?” He asked, gingerly, a kind smile on his face. “No, it’s ok.” You told him. “Are you-“
 “Siren! Get your ass over here!” One of the sergeants from his unit called. He sighed and quickly got to his feet. “I’ll see you around, Yea?” He smiled warmly before trotting off, leaving you no time to answer. 
    ...
  “You know, you sure are creating quite the debacle.” Imani said, setting down your usual on the table in front of you. You sighed. “I’m not even trying.” You mumbled, frustrated. 
Sensing your distraught, Imani took the seat in front of you. “This isn’t school anymore, Viper. Who cares what they say. There are rules here and cameras. You aren’t breaking any rules, they are. They’ll be the ones in trouble if anything happens. The higher ups don’t care about who has been here longer. So don’t worry. Just be careful, they don’t exactly like for Agents to have close romantic relationships outside of your unit. It takes focus off the task at hand. Speaking of which…” She quickly rose out of the seat, her eyes trained behind you. “Enjoy your food.” Then she rushed off. 
You sighed, and looked down at the plates in front of you. This, was something you enjoyed. 
“Viper?” 
You should’ve known. She was looking behind you. You should’ve known. He’s always there. When isn’t he there? 
You looked up to meet the endearing eyes of Agent Siren. 
“Hey, May I?” He asked pointing at the empty booth. 
You dully nodded. 
“So,” you looked him in the eyes, seeing a small flash that seemed to entice you. His eyes widened and he shook his head as if to rid himself of a bad memory. “You good?” You asked him, slightly concerned. Siren quickly replaced his look of self directed anger with a smile but you could still see the fire in his eyes. “Yes, I’m fine, thank you.” He responded politely. Not what you were expecting. He eyes looked disappointed in himself. What did he do?
 “How are you getting along?” He questioned. “Pretty Well, it hasn’t been too bad.” You said, wincing at your lack luster answer. He just smiled gingerly. 
Suddenly a hand was placed on Siren’s shoulder. Agent Python. “Dude.” They shared a look seemingly having a conversation with their eyes. Siren sighed, obviously losing whatever unspoken argument just occurred. He stood up and walked away, only giving you one last brief glance.
 Python looked at you disappointment in his eyes as if saying ‘Really?’
 “What?” You asked, not understanding what was wrong.
 He just sighed and grabbed your hand. “We have training.” Is all he said before whisking you away. 
      ...
     Grunt after groan escaped your mouth as you landed on the mats as Mamba took his anger out on you. He was pissed that you had been caught talking to Siren for the third time this week. It’s only Tuesday.
 “Get up, Viper.” Mamba snapped.
 You groaned and slowly made your way into your feet. You held your dukes up, but it was futile as Mamba took you down within seconds. He was lithe and nimble. He knew your weak points better than you knew your strengths. 
You sighed laying on the cold mat. 
“Alright, Mamba. I think that’s enough, yea? She put up a good fight.” Firefly said, stepping into the ring. Mamba snuffed his nose with the back of his hand. He threw a towel over his shoulder and walked out the door. You sharply inhaled and rolled over onto your back.
 Staring up at the glass ceiling, you notice how many other agents are watching, as that glass ceiling was their floor. You jump onto your feet slowly trudging over to your water bottle.
 “Not gonna lie, you messed up.” You scoffed at Firefly’s words. “Messed up, how? Siren was the one who talked to me.”
 “Mamba warned you, he’s not happy.” You rolled your eyes, guzzling down the rest of your water bottle. “Well aware.” You clipped. You tossed the empty bottle in the trash walking towards the door only to realize that Siren was standing right outside of the door. He opened it, walking past you and angrily approaching Python. You just continued on your way back to the solidarity of your room, ignoring the looks you received. 
Turning the corner you almost ran into someone but you stopped short and slid out of the way. “Agent Viper! Just the girl I was looking for!” 
Agent Heath. If this day could get any better, that’d be great.
 “So, news is, you and Siren have a whole romance going on.” He said, pulling you forward with an arm around your shoulders. “Has he used his ability to catch you, princess?” 
You let out a growl and yanked on his arm, pulling him over your shoulder, sending him flying. He groaned hitting the ground. “What the hell?!” He snapped. “Stay out of shit you know nothing about and your big ass nose doesn’t belong in.” You hissed, before walking away, quicker than previously. 
...
       “Agent Viper, your attendance is required in room 328.” 
You groaned waking up to the loud voice that rang over the intercoms. You quickly got out of bed, passing by your mirror and trying to help your disheveled appearance. Once it was - somewhat - appropriate, you left your room, headed to room 328, following it on your wrist comp. The wonderful little screen on your wrist that could do just about anything and everything for you. 
You reached the room, walking through the door without a problem. The room was empty aside from the two couches and assorted decorations, such as the plants in the corner.
 You didn’t get much time to survey the room, as the lights flickered off. All that was left was the dim red glow of the emergency lights. Power outage? Here? You back tracked to the door, only to find, it wouldn’t open. You groaned, audibly.
 Arms suddenly wrapped around you, causing you to tense up. “Relax, Viper, it’s just me.”
 “Siren! What the-?! What are you doing?!” You demanded. “Mamba said I could be around you, so long as we aren’t seen together.” His voice was soothing, you almost didn’t care about what he was saying, but then you caught it. You weren’t so far gone in his tricks. “You didn’t think to ask me? If I wanted to be around you?” You questioned, peeling away from his grasp.
 “That’s what I intend to do now.” He grabbed your hand, his thumb rubbing small circles on the back of your palm. Even in the darkness it feels like you could still see the glow of his eyes staring down at you. “What did Heath mean by your ability?” 
The glow rapidly disappeared. 
Siren let out a heavy sigh, the warmth of his hand leaving yours. “You know what I am trained to do, don’t you?” He asked. “Well, everyone has something that correlates with their name, that sets them aside from the rest, so I guess..” you trailed off, unsure if you wanted to continue this conversation. 
“Do you trust me?” He asked. “This is really early on in our relationship to ask-“ 
“Viper!” He cut you off, prompting you to cut to the chase. “No, I don’t.” You replied, curtly. 
He laughed. “Ok, not the answer I was looking for, but do you trust me enough not to hurt you?” He asked further.
 “Yes.” You answered him. 
You could practically feel his smile, but the energy vanished. “Please don’t get mad.” He whispered, barely audible. 
His eyes suddenly glowed brightly, enrapturing your very being. He reached out, his hands grabbing yours. The skin contact made you bubbly, happy in a way you couldn’t even fathom.
 “Hi, Beautiful.” His hand caressed the side of your face. When his hand pulled away, you followed it, carving the feeling. You felt elated, and moreover - you never wanted it to end. 
“Siren~” the word left your mouth whimsically. You were smiling dumbly. You couldn’t see him, but he smiled down at you sadly. He hated seeing you in the state he had gotten so used to seeing everyone in. 
Dumbly in love with him.
 You pushed yourself onto him, wrapping your arms around his neck, you hoisted yourself up tangling your legs around his waist.
 You pressed your forehead to his, staring lovingly into the bright fire-y eyes of his.
 One of his hands trailed across the top of your thigh while the other held beneath you. It felt so so good and so warm. So comforting. You leaned into his neck placing a single kiss on his skin. You leaned back, seeing if he would respond. He didn’t.
 All that occurred was the fading of his bright glowing eyes and the quick loss of overwhelming warmth and giddiness. What scared you the most, wasn’t the fact that he could do that, or the fact that you stayed put where you were - what scared you was that you craved more. You enjoyed it. You jumped off of him, now feeling uncomfortable with the desire that rid you. 
You realized, you felt… 
damp. 
Oh fucking, Hell. 
“Viper?” He questioned. 
You corrected him with your given name, frantically trying to make sense of your rapid change in emotions and the aftermath that it left.
 “Are you ok?” He asked, placing his hands on your shoulders. The lights flickered at that exact moment. Allowing you to see the full extent of his worry before you were both enveloped in darkness once again.
 “Are you mad at me?” He sounded like a little child, afraid of losing their best friend. “No, no. I’m not mad at you.” You dismissed him, quickly stepping away from him trying to rid yourself of the proximity.
 This can’t be happening.. but then again… nobody can see you… No! Bad idea! Idiot! Dumbo! There no chance for you too, You fool!
He called out to you by your name and wrapped his arms around you loosely, pressed up against your back. You shivered, goosebumps raising the hairs on your arms. 
“What’s wrong?” He asked, his voice calm and soothing. “I’m ok.” You dismissed him once again, pulling yourself out of his grasp. You took a seat on the end of couch crossing your legs. 
If Siren took notice, he didn’t mention it. 
He sat near you, seemingly concerned. You angled yourself towards him, thighs still locked together. “Where did you learn to do that?” You asked him, keeping your voice level. “Well, not all agents are scouted, some are made. My parents put me in a prestigious school to make sure that I would become an agent. They knew that if I became an agent, I would be set for life. But, at that school, only the top fourth of the class will become an agent, and on Graduation Day, they give you a gift- an ability moreover. And I got this… gift.” He explained. 
Wow.
 You weren’t sure if this was terrible gift or a great one.
 “Cool.” You mumbled. Cool? Really?!! That’s all you could say? Cool?!
Idiot. 
“How did you get here?” He asked. “Oh, I was scouted.” You said, plainly. But honestly that’s all there was to say. Scouted Agents was the road most traveled. About 95% of the agents were found somewhere within the divisions and the Scouts liked what they saw. So they were offered the job and thrown into a test system. If they pass the test, all memory is wiped of the test.
 For “security’s sake.”
 Nobody believed that. But they didn’t have time to make a deal about it, because then, they get thrown into their precinct. 
“Jimin.” Siren spouted out of nowhere. 
You looked at him confused. “You told me your name earlier, so I figured I should tell you mine. Jimin.” He explained. “Jimin?” You repeated, he nodded. 
You smiled, warmly. No longer so tense and afraid. His hand fell next to your thigh and you could feel the warmth of it.
 But it never proceeded from there. The conversation stayed PG and You both just chatted in about your own interests and simple things. 
That’s good, right? 
RIGHT?!
Agent Siren: Jimin
Agent Firefly: Hoseok
Agent Python: Taehyung
Agent Mamba: Yoongi
Agent Beluga: Seokjin
Agent Viper: You
other agents thus far have no relation to bts, they are just extra characters to further the plot
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violetsystems · 3 years ago
Text
#personal
Everything seemed to revolve around the mail yesterday.  Technically it shouldn’t have been delivered at all.  That’s what I expect when it comes to recognizing federal holidays.  I think it’s a great step forward to acknowledge Juneteenth but there leaves a lot to be desired.  With America there seems to always be a caveat or an asterisk.  A pronounced, meaningful but wholly lackluster execution.  Inside the mailbox was my coffee and a letter confirming the continuation of my health insurance with a footnote.  That the plan has been subsidized for a number of months free of charge due to some legislation.  A year later regardless I’m still somewhat in the same position.  Or people act like I’ve emerged from some hyper sleep pod unscathed.  I do get a lot of good rest here at home.  It’s a small city and a small world so sometimes I end up running into people on my doorstep unannounced.  I had a chance yesterday to vocalize that in public on my property without having to seek out a social tribunal in town.  A friend I haven’t seen in awhile was fixing my neighbor’s bike in front of our other neighbor’s building.  We talked about the job search.  A friend of his works at one of the companies I applied for in town last October.  A video game company.  He wanted to know if he could put in the good word and have me try again.  I told him the moment had passed but thanked him anyway.  A lot for me has changed since last October and in some ways is still the same.  I can’t not look back and see who was there and who wasn’t.  So I stopped reading into it.  Stopped judging my progress against other people.  I had been paying near the sum of my rent per month for health insurance.  So it was nice to get the letter giving me a break for a few months.  If you really asked me right now, money is not the problem.  I’m not supposed to really have a problem.  This is something I’ve grown to learn in a very particular way.  That somewhere in there is my true skill.  Dealing with crisis on the fly with no warning.  Always knowing the right and safe thing to say.  I wouldn’t say I’ve been exactly forward on this hell site in regards to the specifics.  I’ve gotten more political than has been worth my time.  I realize that private blogging is a ‘vibe.’  I like the idea of Word press incorporating cryptography but I still think the best secrets are kept by a strong heart and quick tongue.  I enjoy communicating and have always loved to write.  Journaling is a very specific activity for me.  It allows me to keep control of a narrative that often gets thrown around like a cow in a tornado.  It’s like the cliff notes of my life.  The director’s commentary of someone who has the opposite of main character syndrome.  But these details are never specific enough to be incriminating I guess.  Who wants to sift through three paragraphs of mine for the juicy details?  What would you learn?  That I’m as loyal as a beaten down dog.  If I’ve learned one thing about being open and communicative, it’s that some people are only half there.  Like you are talking to a brick wall with a smile spray painted across it.  The message and intention doesn’t change.  I never get that feeling when I write to myself and my friends here.  Part of being consistent give or take a week or so with these kind of thing has rewarded me as being marked as present.   People ingest what you have to say for the permanent record when they feel like it.  Sometimes not at all.  But they always find a way to let you know.  Maybe in the smallest way to you.  Things are always bigger than what you make them out to be.  But to expect too much or react passionately towards things can cloud you in seeing the bigger picture.  And yet I spend most of my waking days lately focusing on trying to figure it out.
If there’s one thing I can admit close to a year later it’s that it wasn’t the end of the world.  I’ve been projecting to people through conversation in real life the context much like I write here.  Probably more vague.  People like to take words in conversations out of context.  It becomes a game of he said, she said, they said.  Having a space to vent or at least think has helped me understand I’m doing something to figure it all out in my own way.  I feel often like I’m in an impossible situation.  Lately I’m realizing I was just overloaded with change.  I grew a lot in the last year.  Mostly through a crisis where I felt completely invisible.  I got through it and am probably better off.  Financially it’s almost in my best interest to wait for the right position.  If I took a job too early I’d lose my subsidy.  To be honest I wish I had that subsidy last year when I really needed it.  I updated my resume with my current working experience.  I’ve spent the last year created a professional facing identity while still being myself under the hood and microscope.  The results probably look shitty to most people.  And that’s where I stop comparing my situation with other people.  How I see my life unfolding might seem or sound crazy to other people.  Which is why I’ve stopped writing so specifically about how I see or interpret things.  I realize my life isn’t exactly normal at this point.  But I’ve stayed alive and out of debt through this.  I look like a very different person on paper than I did a year ago.  And yet it’s still the same old me.  I can feel the pain and isolation just the same.  Imagine being a very cerebral person who cannot let go of anything.  I’ve had to learn to.  This is really the biggest growth for me.  Being angry at a situation even if it’s wholly unfair doesn’t change things.  The dirty tricks in this city never falter.  I just have to learn how to have better tricks up my sleeve.  And really if anything is to be said, my cold reaction to things gets better.  Instead of feeling wronged or scared, I feel in control.  I know better.  I know when to shut my mouth about things.  I know when to dangle the carrot out in the street.  I know my situation is not ideal and yet I know what I want isn’t out of sight.  So really how you survive makes you something desirable.  A survivor.  A person who continues.  Resists.  Maintains a semblance of freedom that people judge their own against.  How is this guy able to be himself without me having a say?  How dare you spend a whole year being ignored and not respond like a beaten dog when I shout out some invisible command to obey?  My answer would be that I am me.  And if you were me and could step in these shoes you’d figure it out.  If you had the patience to read what I was trying to say you’d probably already know by now.  And yet we still respond to these half assed attempts to engage and manipulate people’s true intentions.  That’s life.  Those confrontations don’t go away.  Sometimes they’re right at your doorstep.  What happens when they’re right in your face.  Grilling you.  Making you prove yourself and your narrative in broad daylight every step.  You learn how to answer the questions.  Sometimes by saying nothing at all.  Sometimes by saying just enough.  But you get nowhere trying to change the inevitable.  That people only listen to what they want to.  And social engineering is a minefield of good intentions.  If you have to cross the minefield to get to safety by all means.  If you are on the other side, maybe it’s best to sit and wait.  Which is what I have done primarily alone.  Wait for some sort of clarity.  And for the most part when it comes to the people that really matter to me, everything is crystal.
It’s not like I don’t enjoy catching up with people.  I enjoy being able to relate my side of story that feels buried and insignificant.  But there’s so much more to it that doesn’t need to fall upon the wrong ears.  People out there listen to what they want to listen to.  They rehash things that sound plausible because they’re bored.  They gossip.  They’re looking for something else to focus on as they return to a desired normal.  For me nothing will ever be normal again here.  It’s normal enough when I shut the door and focus on my own mental health.  I spend hours listening to music.  I redecorate the space that I have.  I spend time with my cats.  I think about being in love.  I learn to love myself.  Of all the work I’ve done on myself I have things to show for it.  And it seems the work is never done.  Even if I can’t seem to find a good fit for where to go with my life.  I know I can just stay here until I figure it out.  There isn’t really any pressure for me here specifically.  It’s a safe space to stay out of harm’s way.  And admittedly, this city can be pushy and unrealistic to a point where it’s a hazard to your personal goals.  Everybody has to know everything about everyone else.  They think they can shoehorn themselves into your life after years of tricks and pranks.  And ultimately yes it’s a free country.  And there’s no shortage of people trying to get up in your business.  But these people haven’t really been there the last year enough to know what really matters to me.  I use these chances in public.  Command performances to clarify my stance on things without saying much at all.  If you really wanted the specifics you’d know where the narrative is.  You’d know where I set the record straight.  You’d know how I really feel.  And generally a small percentage of people I write for do.  The rest of this city.  It’s not hard to see.  There are always agendas that have their say in our lives.  Some of them we tolerate.  Some of them we avoid.  Some of them we loathe.  For me the more things change, the more they stay the same.  And if you look at my life through the lens of people who only have access to the past, you’re missing all my potential for a different future.  A lot of people were there.  And then they weren’t.  When they’re there to reconnect it’s always some elaborate yet serendipitous meeting.  A magical sort of chance.  I don’t believe in synchronicity.  I don’t have the luxury to blindly trust the universe has some plan for me.  We live in an ever pervasive data driven society.  I know where I would like to be.  I know what works and what doesn’t.  I know being vague about this on the internet from week to week must annoy people all the same.  I know I have not been happy for a long time but I make due.  And I know the results if I go back out there and give the past a chance when it left me for dead is a losing proposition.  So I don’t really stress much about it.  I keep writing.  I keep sharing.  I keep taking control over my own life so when someone special walks into it, the baggage is clear.  Maybe we can put some other baggage in there at some point.  I have a whole back room that can be cleared for all the baggage you want to stow for the duration of my unconditional love for you.  There’s a standing mirror and a garment rack in there too.  I can’t say there won’t be more furniture in the coming months.  I also can’t say I’m really in the mood to work until the Fall.  But I can say I’ll still be here.  And I love you just the same. <3 Tim
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