#😫i suffer

[sabraeal]

Whenever I view the moon on the battlefield, Chapter 6

[Read on AO3]

He has spent decades honing his movements so that no nightingale will sing when he crosses a floor, nor scrap of cloth rustle when he turns for his blade. And yet, after all those years of being as quiet as a wind’s whisper and as gentle as a falling feather, Kai still has not found the way to escape his futon without rousing the bundle next to him.

Even now, it sniffs and groans, blankets falling away to reveal a face pale and fair. Fitting, the Vice Commander told him once, after he’d been cajoled into some unwise sips of sake, a watchmen like you would fall for the moon. She’s been your constant companion all these years.

When one’s wife is praised in such skilled verse, there is hardly room for complaint. But still, Kai had smiled, hoisting Hijikata higher over his shoulder as he said, she is lovelier still, for she does not forsake me the way the moon does the sky, not even when we must part.

Not that his wife would appreciate such poetry now, no matter how well composed; no, those dark eyes blink blearily, and her mouth-- made for temptation-- sets into a forbidding crescent. “You are going out?”

He clears his throat, marshaling his explanations even though he knows every one will end in a rout. “The commander wishes to speak with me.”

That mouth flirts with frustration, but before she can make her complaints, there’s a whimper beside her, followed small hand that only knows to grasp. And insistently at that. It reaches out, gripping onto her yukata with a tug that nearly bares her to him. Hardly a hardship for Kai, especially when she giggles the way she does now, scooping blankets and child both into her arms.

“Don’t fuss,” she murmurs, pulling the covers away until the small face blooms beneath it, his eyes already wide and searching. “Kaa-san will do enough for both of us.”

She does bare her breast now, but not for his benefit; no, it is his son who nuzzles against it, finding the tip before he settles contentedly into her arms. He’s nearly too big for it; thirteen months and already spilling out of her lap, twice again the height of most other babes his age. His father’s son, all their neighbors would say, and when he sees Okaki try to wrangle his legs over her thigh, Kai can’t help but agree.

“You still have not explained yourself to me,” she reminds him, brushing a tiny cowlick back behind Kentaro’s ear. “You were out late last night, and now that man wants to take our morning as well.”

How it would wound the chief to hear his wife to speak of him so. “It is because I was out so late last night that the Commander is so eager to see me this morning.”

“I am eager to see you this morning too,” she huffs, though there’s no heat behind it, simply helplessness. “Last night you said there was nothing to see, but now it is worth your sleep to go speak of it?”

It’s a struggle to hold back his grimace. He had murmured such a thing into the silk of her hair as he’d slipped beneath the covers, answering her concerned grunt. It had seemed best then to assure her, to tell her the world was still as if should be, but still--

Nothing was what a man might behold with eyes alone. But just as a merchant might see a loss upon the horizon simply by looking to the skies, Kai could feel the storm brewing in the silence between words; a typhoon spun into being by sentences half-started, or ideas swallowed before they could be spoken aloud. The streets are too quiet by a half these days, the city’s panic thrumming like a pulse beneath his feet.

“Even nothing may be important,” he tells her, so gentle. “Sometimes it is even more important.”

Okaki sighs, shoulders slumping.

“I know.” One does not maintain their position as a court lady without some gift for following the current’s flow. But, as she has so often reminded him, that does not mean one has to like it. “It’s only that these past few months it seems like you’re always there and never here.”

“Funny, only the other day, the Vice Commander told me I was spending too much time enjoying my wife for a man so recently a father.” He leans over, stroking Kentaro’s hair, growing thicker every day. “That’s how I know I’m splitting my time fairly: no one is happy.”

Okaki scowls. “You might be a little more selfish, then. This wife could do with much more enjoying.”

Kai sinks to his knees, smiling too wide to properly leave a kiss upon her brow, but he makes an effort of it. “I will keep it in mind.”

The corners of her frown drag past playfulness, settling into something far more serious. “One day they are going to make you choose.” She shifts, adjusting Kentaro’s sleepy limbs across her lap. “Sooner than either of us would like.”

Her head fits so easily in his palm, the way he had been so certain nothing but the hilt of his katana would. “If the Commander calls for me, I will go. Not because I am choosing them,” he tells her, pinching at her cheek, “but because there is no future for you both without a country that is at peace. If I defend this land, it is because you two live within it.”

She sucks in a breath, only to let it out in a hiss. “Such pretty words, for a bushi. Perhaps you missed your calling as a poet.”

Her hand threads through his fingers like silk, binding him closer to her, tempting him to stay more than words ever could. “When there is peace, perhaps I can be both.”

“Go then, poet. And tell that little friend of ours to look out for you.” A breath huffs from her, fanning out over the skin at his neck. “You tall people all think you are indestructible.”

Kai allows himself a smile, even as she scowls. “That is because so few can reach to cause us harm.”

“You see?” she huffs, gathering Kentaro on her lap. “This is why you need someone reasonable to look after you. With your head so far in the clouds, you’ll never see your death coming.”

Reasonable his dear wife might call him, and were this only a scant few years ago, Kai would agree. Young though he was, Yamazaki had a steady head upon his shoulders; a dedication to duty that not even injury could break. But that Yamazaki would never have been ambushed outside the stockroom, dragged down to the engawa by a girl who weighs as much as a house cat.

At least that is what Kai assumes must have happened; he merely turns to take bridge between compounds and finds them there: Yukimura’s thigh pressed tight to Yamazaki’s, a book sprawled between their laps.

“That’s what it is, right?” Yukimura ducks closer to read the words, a single finger trailing behind to keep her place. Nothing that would be of any note, save that the page in question is situated over Yamazaki’s most tender anatomy.

His cheeks flush as brightly as Shimabara’s lanterns, but his interest in nighttime duties is noticeably lacking. Instead of leaning into the touch, he squirms away, inching his hips to an angle that firmly closes the door on any opportunity one of the other captains might be quick to seize on. “Y-yeah, it is...indeed that one...”

“So it is!” Despite his subtlety, he must move a shade too far; the page trembles, and with a grunt of protest, Yukimura firmly grips his thigh, keeping him in place. “That’s great.”

Were it any other woman, Kai would suspect seduction. But Yukimura has an innocence than cannot be feigned; despite all her years among the virile young tigers of the Shinsengumi, constantly prowling the streets of the hanamachi to slake their thirsts, it has never quite occurred to her that she might stir some of that same desire as well.

And so it is with a guileless smile that she meets Yamazaki’s eyes, their noses nearly touching. It does not dim a bit, not until he chokes, “Our faces. I think...they might be a little too close.”

There is only a moment’s hesitation-- time for a blink, perhaps, or a gasp-- and Yukimura springs to her feet, hands clapped to her cheeks. “I’m so sorry! I--” from this angle Kai cannot see her face, but her shoulders quiver as Yamazaki gets to his feet, albeit more gingerly, as if she cannot quite decide if she should bow or not-- “I didn’t notice!”

Guilt writes itself in vivid ink across his cheeks, and Kai can see the way the boy’s mouth works, struggling to manage, “No, there’s no need for you to apologize.”

I don’t mind, is what he means, or perhaps even, your touch is welcome, but instead he simply suffers through a bow of his own, blurting out. “I’m sorry as well.”

Kai stifles a sigh, an old weariness settling into his bones. As much as Yamazaki wears his own heart on his sleeve-- at least, to Kai’s eyes-- so does Yukimura. She might fluster, putting space between them, but she does not clutch at her hand as if it is burned, or clamp palms to her face to hide an indelicate blush. Nothing to mark it as anything but shock at her own impropriety, the same as she does with any of the captains. Instead her small hands fly up, waving in the empty space between them.

“Really, it’s not your fault. I should have--” her words catch as she looks at him, only cleared away by a delicate cough-- “I should start dinner.”

A young lady is supposed to take her leave with elegance and poise-- or at least, so his wife has impressed upon him-- but Yukimura has lived too long among men to fuss with measured steps, or concern herself with proper posture. Instead, she turns with all the reckless speed of a child, scampering across the engawa as if she has candy tucked into her pockets and a parent on her heels. He nearly doesn’t have time to shuffle out of her way, tucking himself behind a pillar before she can think to question what surface she buffeted herself on at the end of the walkway.

It does, however, give him plenty of time to get a proper look at her. He expects to see concern-- her constant state these days, it seems-- twined tightly with the fierceness of her determination, perhaps even with the barest flush of her embarrassment. But when she brushes past he sees none of that, but instead--

Instead she is pink up to her hairline, eyes wide and wild with a sort of anxiety he’s seen often enough, but never on her. And her hand-- it’s raised. No, just just that, but pressed with terrible delicacy right over her lips.

Ah, this past year he had bitten back on the impulse to tease, thinking it cruel to point out to the boy what he could not have, not even when she spent so much of her waking hours with him, side by side in that small stockroom. But now--

“Shimada.” A hand clasps about his shoulder, drawing his attention down to where the Vice Commander stands, the faintest smile on his face. “You’re here. I would have thought that wife of yours would put up a bigger fight.”

“Hijikata-fukucho,” he manages, strangely off-balance. “Good morning. I was lucky. She was ready to give it her all, but Kentaro woke hungry.”

“Haah,” the Vice Commander sighs, giving his shoulder a good shake before he releases it. “We’re all lucky then. Give her a few years and she’ll be marching down here every time the wind turns, just like Souji’s sister.”

He’d protest-- Okaki was raised well; she’d send letters first, with words as sharp as knives-- but the Vice Commander seems so pleased by the prospect, he can’t bring himself to disappoint him. Instead he huffs, sparing one last glance for Yukimura as she hurries around the corner, before he asks, “Fukucho, can I ask...?”

Hijikata slows, glancing over his shoulder. “Ask what? If it’s news from last night, then you can hold it. I don’t want to keep Kondo-san waiting.”

“No, it’s not that.” He glances toward the other building, where the engawa now stands empty. “Do you know low long that has been going on?”

Hijikata blinks. “I’ve barely looked up from this damned paperwork the bakufu has dropped on us except to tell Shinpachi to stop pestering Sakai for advanced pay, and Harada to stop plucking flowers long enough to keep his pants on. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“I mean with Yamazaki and Yukimura.”

That brings the Vice Commander around, his focus drawn to a point, all on Kai. “What about them?”

“Ah, it’s probably nothing. I only saw them in the hall, and...” Kai hesitates. “They seemed...closer than I remembered.”

“Closer?” Hijikata takes a step nearer. “How close would you say?”

“Ah, well, it was an accident, I’m sure, but...” He clears his throat. “They were both reading some book, and, er, Yukimura must not have been able to see very well, since she had to lean in...”

It hardly seems safe to tell him about her grabbing the boy’s thigh, not when Hijikata’s grin turns too knowing. “I thought that might be what’s happening.”

Perhaps he really has been away from the compounds too long; the last time he’d seen them in that tiny storeroom, he could have sworn her smiles were the same as they always were. “Ah, so, it isn’t...new?” 

“What isn’t new?” The shoji slides aside, Kondo curious behind it. “Is something happening?”

The Vice Commander puffs up, far too pleased with himself. “Yamazaki and Chizuru, just like I said.”

Kondo’s jaw drops, brows leaping a equal distance toward his hairline. “Not really?”

“Shimada just said he caught them bending their head together over some book,” Hijikata informs him, leaning against the wall. “Had their thighs touching and everything.”

Kai hadn’t told Hijikata all of that-- certainly nothing about the position of thighs in relation to each other, but the Vice Commander’s grin is confident in the face of Kondo’s shock, even when he murmurs, “I think I would know if anything like that was happening here.”

Hijikata’s grin pulls all the wider. “You’d be surprised what can go on behind these walls without anyone being none the wiser.”

“W-well, I’m sure,” Kondo sputters, entirely left-footed. “But Chizuru is a good girl, she’d never...”

The Chief’s words stall, his mouth working but never quite managing to venture a guess as to what a young couple might get up to unattended. Hijikata lifts a hand to his shoulder, giving it a comforting pat.

“Good girls go on to marry good boys,” he assures him. “They just have to do a few other things first.”

“Toshi!” Kondo practically pants with shock. “Surely he would say something before--”

“Kondo-san.” The air next to Kai’s arm had been empty but a moment ago, but now it is filled, Yamazaki brushing past to encompass all of them in his too-serious expression. “I would like to speak with you.”

Kondo glances pleadingly from the Vice Commander to Kai before letting his attention settle on the youngest member of the Watch. “Me?”

“All of you, if it’s not too much to ask.” His head bows, the least amount of deference the boy can bear to show. “I think it is a topic that would be of interest to everyone here.”

Hijikata shrugs. “Don’t see why not. We were going to meet anyway.”

“Ah, of course. Yes.” Kondo steps aside, smile frozen on his face. “Let us all come in. And talk.”

“We are running low on some supplies,” Yamazaki informs them with all the casual confidence Kai has come to expect from the compound’s acting physician. “Antifebriles, ointments, digestive aids...a number of things we use quite often here.”

“Ah, yes. Of course.” Kondo shifts uncomfortably, resting his elbow on one knee before he restlessly switches to the other. “Just tell Sakai-kun how much you think you’ll need, and I’m sure he will see that the funds are handed over accordingly.”

The boy bows over his knees, the perfect image of duty and devotion. “Thank you, Kondo-san.”

It’s with fondness that the Chief regards him, his mouth curved in the warmest of smiles like a father watching his favorite son. There is something about the moment that demands silence, that asks for privacy with atmosphere alone . And yet--

And yet, some men are too restless to allow those moments their breath.

“You already know you have permission to buy what you need for our stockroom.” Kondo-san may have earned his men’s loyalty through his softness, through treating them with the warmth most saved for their sons or brothers, but Hijikata-- Hijikata has earned it through fear. Each word is sharp with accusation, and Yamazaki’s spine stiffens with each stab. “You’re not usually one for minced words, so what’s this really about?”

“Er, yes. It’s just that I-- er...” His hands tense on his knees, every knuckle blanched to bone. “I thought I might also take Yukimura with me.”

Kai fails to smother a cough. A fine enough thing, since it covers his laugh.

“I don’t ask this lightly!” Yamazaki promises, staring at the tatami just beyond his knees. “In the year since she’s begun to aid me with the compound’s medical supplies, she’s been an indispensable asset to the Shinsengumi. Her skills are at least as good as mine, if not better.”

His gaze lifts, fixing on Kondo and the Vice Commander in turn. “She is the only person I know who is bright enough and qualified enough to learn the treatments I use, and what I have taught her she’s learned quickly and well. And so--” he chokes on the words, nerves squeezing his voice high before he can settle it again-- “and so I wishes to say that...that I do not believe it is necessary for me to observe her in my capacity as a member of the Watch.”

Hijikata laughs like an earthquake, the somber air churning to gravel beneath it. “Oh, is that what this is about? I though we handled that with the assistant thing.”

“But I thought--?” Yamazaki’s brow wrinkles, each word labored with the effort to speak it. “If she was close, than it would be easier to--?”

Kondo’s chuckle is a far kinder thing, a breeze compared to the Vice Commander’s natural disaster. “I speak for all of us, I think, when I say that Yukimura earned our trust long ago.”

“You no longer need to interact with her solely in your capacity as a member of the Watch. If that’s what you were doing,” Hijikata adds, a corner of his mouth twitching toward a grin; one that only grows when Yamazaki flushes. “We even thought we might entrust her with managing the compound’s medical box. Under your direction, of course, Yamazaki.”

“Ah...th-thank you...” he murmurs, unsure. “That would be...most helpful.”

“As for your other request,” Kondo continues with a kindly smile. “I think it is an excellent idea to show Yukimura around the market. It would be a load off your very full plate if you did not always have to do the shopping.”

Yamazaki practically sags from relief. “Ah, yes, thank you, Kondo-san. It would be--”

“And since you’re already taking her out, why not ask Sakai-kun for a little extra and bring her somewhere nice. As a treat.” 

Yamazaki’s gaze snaps up, his cheeks flushed. “Th-that’s not necessary! I wasn’t-- I’m not trying to h-hit--”

“Of course not,” Hijikata sweeps in smoothly, his shark’s grin too sharp for comfort. “We would never suspect you of trying to make a move on Yukimura, Yamazaki. You’re a professional.”

“Yukimura has has a hard few years,” Kondo agrees. “I’m sure a nice day out is just what she needs.”

“Well...” The boy’s shoulders hunch, uncertain, gaze darting between them as if he might avoid the trap, should he only catch it. “If you think so.”

Hijikata’s quick to assure him, “We do.”

Kondo’s slower to speak, weighing his words before he says, “I do not often get to see my daughter, but I am often reminded when I see Yukimura about that she would be of the same age.”

Yamazaki blinks. “Chief?”

“I think of all the things a young girl would want at this age, what she must have thought she would be doing before Kodo disappeared.” His smile widens the same way the sun peeks over the mountain tops, slow at first, and then blinding. “I think walking the market with friends would be one of those thing.”

“I...suppose.” The wariness slips from his shoulders, his head lifting. “That might be nice for her to feel...normal.”

“Of course.” Kondo grins. “And I’ve heard there’s a nice odango shop nearby.”

[lokiusly]

maybe Owen wanting to “close the book” meant that he wanted us to suffer with angst for a bit before we get the beautiful reunion and a new Loki arc.

[the-vegetarian-artist]

"You're in your 20s you should be at the club" yeah? yeah well i SHOULD be hiding deep in the great smokey mountains confusing hikers and even locals into believing im a wampus cat or some shit not doing this mundane stuff smh

[seud-luachmhor]

Our whole house has been unwell this past fortnight, so my granny (80, loves a sloe gin, appreciates naked bums in museum statues) has been bringing us treats to make us feel better. This morning, she dropped us off a cake she'd made, wrapped in this very Tim-esque linen tea towel.

I dunno how accurate it still is as im sure this is an ancient print but it got me thinking.

In the beginning of Them™, Tim and Anne passing paperwork between their offices - all offical and above board except for a little flag scribbled on a scrap piece tucked in the pile of manilla folders. A meaningless doodle should anyone else's eyes happen upon it, but the message perfectly clear to the recipient; their own little code.

A simple 'affirmative' or 'negative', or a coy 'stop carrying out your intentions and watch for my signals'.

'My vessel is stopped and making no way through the water' for a clear afternoon schedule?

'Keep clear of me, I am engaged in pair trawling' when Tim just couldn't get out of back to back meetings.

(I'm not even going to mention 'I require a tug'...)

They were definetly up to some Cute Enough to Kill shenanigans, so I guess I'm now headcannoning this.

[avatardoggo]

when you meet a Guy and he is 99.9% perfection but the Holy Spirit says no

[lotusgrieved]

me: i'm so canon divergent. demon alma? idk them me, making a fully fleshed-out about page for them in my carrd: 😓

[epitomees]

((Someone save me from this massive headache doing a number on me…))

[burned-lariat]

Cyrus is getting released? We have to see him proselytizing to the public?! WHY?!

[ngtskynebula]

Though I do understand why Biden is 《 a little bit 》 better than Trump (I'm a third world country girlie, after all), I do get why most ppl aren't really into voting for him again. I mean, that fucker spent the last months funding a wholeass genocide and backing up Isr*el, a colony who's not only trying to exterminate Palestine from history but also its nearby countries...

'N don't even get me started on the many other bad things he allowed in the US, or through his international relationships 😮‍💨

I see many, many posts saying, "y'all GOTTA vote for Biden cause Trump will be much, much worse!", and yes, I can see that, but why must you say voting for Biden will save democracy or smth? Do you even hear yourself?

I just... feel like if the rethoric were more about changing the United States into smth actually better, much different than what voting for Biden allegedly will allow you guys, is a more powerful message. It's about time the US stops existing as it is.

From an non-US citizen perspective, Biden and Trump aren't so different. They're US' presidents, after all.

[bklynmusicnerd]

Me seeing Ava with Nina in the preview:

Me seeing Trina in the preview wearing her signature Barbie pink and finally interacting with her future pill popper friend:

Me when I actually paid attention and realized pill popping Adam is holding a guitar and he might switch out pills for singing:

[awek-s]

good meowning ……

[shubaka]

Do you know what's a terrible idea?? Letting that stupid video play fullscreen on loop on a large monitor I'm gonna scream agsdkhlsjaga

[zevrans-remade]

.

[luvv4j4ybe11]

I’ve never wanted to ride a mfs face SO BAD😩

[gnaga37]

the mental. it's not doing great

[mercyprevaild]

...