#“they're all pretty hot.... I mean... Except David”

[insanityandstars]

"that's sexist, Edgar ಠ⁠,⁠_⁠｣⁠ಠ"

[matan4il]

Hi friend! I was wondering if you had any favorite Israeli/Hebrew children's books! Also any fave Israeli musicians??

Hello, my lovely! :D How are you?

Ooooh, do I! Man, you're gonna regret asking me this. XD Sorry, not sorry... So shall we start with Israeli/Hebrew kids' books?

Anything by Yehuda Atlas (יהודה אטלס), but especially And That Kid is Me (והילד הזה הוא אני). Short humorous stories, written in rhymes, perfectly capturing how baffling the world can be for a kid, and how silly adults can seem, or just what things can sometimes feel like for a child. It's one of those books that work, funny and essential, 'coz it's so true. He just gets kids.

Another one that I love, and am probably one of the few Israeli kids who even know this book, is Siamina and the Cats of Yemin Moshe (סיאמינה והחתולים של ימין משה) by Holocaust survivor Uri Orlev (אורי אורלב. He's more well known for his books about that period of time, which are also highly recommended, but I only dared read them when I was older). Jerusalem is known for its many stray cats, and the book is a love fest for cats and Jerusalem, with some historical sites becoming in the book the "homes" of the cats.

David Gershtein, who crafted the engravings for the book, is a pretty popular Israeli artist, and you can find some of his creations all over the country, and even entire shops dedicated to his works.

Last one ('coz I don't wanna burden you too much, but lemme know if you want more recs!) that I really loved as a kid, was Yael's House (הבית של יעל) by Miriam Rot (מרים רות). It was about a girl who has a home, but she wants a house that would be all her own. She tries all sorts of solutions, including taking over the space under the kitchen table... Not gonna lie, as a kid I was inspired to follow in her footsteps, but my parents were not impressed.

Now, as for Israeli musicians! You have stumbled onto dangerous ground, my friend, since I'm a music addict, and in love with the Hebrew language, so songs in Hebrew are something I can go on about for freaking years...

I'll share with you the link to two unlisted playlists that I made on YouTube. One is of some of my fave Israeli songs (though I started it years ago, so sadly, I see some vids have been deleted or made private, and there are literally hundreds of songs on the list, meaning I'm not sure which ones are missing), but also with a few thrown in 'coz I think they're good for people who wanna know Israeli culture and popular Israeli songs, and the other is one that I started making with songs connected in different ways to the current war we're in. They're not all faves, but I thought they capture a moment in time, so I wanted to have them grouped together. I'm actually not done with either list, the latter I really just started not that long ago, so you can expect them to grow.

If we're talking specific Israeli musicians, I find it hard to answer, I think almost every singer or songwriter has at least one good song to offer, and likewise whenever I wanna name one, I feel like adding, "Except for this song... and that one..." No musician is great all the time. But I guess some of my faves (where I like more songs than I don't) include Ivri Lider, Berry Sakharof, Yehuda Poliker, Ran Danker, Harel Ska'at, Chanan ben Ari, Narkis, Eliad, Amir Dadon, Avraham Tal, Marina Maximilian, Achinoam Nini (Noa), Sheila Ferber, Gilad Segev, Ofra Chaza, Meni Berger, Yardena Arazi, Natan Goshen, Keren Peles, Izhar Ashdot, Nurit Galron, and the bands Beit Ha'bubot, Ha'Yehudim, Metropolin, Ethnix, Mashina and Synergia.

I was thinking I should add at least one of these vids to my reply, and for whatever reason, the one that started playing itself in my head (where there is always music) was a song first released in 1993, אדמה חמה (Hot Earth) by Shlomo Gronich and the Shva Choir (Sheba is the English pronunciation of Shva). I love this song, I think the vid was very cool for its time, and I'm still never gonna forgive the MTV viewers who gave it last place in a video music awards. The song incorporates Hebrew and Amharic, both Semitic languages, the latter being the language spoken by Ethiopian Jews. You can actually listen to the whole special album (inspired by the story of the Ethiopian Jewish community's journey to Israel) here.

But just for the fun of throwing in a gay themed song as well, here's התשמע קולי (Will You Hear My Voice), a love poem for a man, originally written by an Israeli poet called Rachel (full name: Rachel Bluwstein Sela), but it's performed here by only men, and no one changed the pronouns, which makes it a mlm song to me. It's so pretty and sad (Rachel is believed to have written the poem to a former lover, a man she even thought at one point she would marry, but WWI tears them apart and they never meet again. She wrote this poem, after getting the news that she's terminally ill), it fills my soul at the same time as it tugs on my heart.

I hope this helps! Sending so much love! xoxox

[nomsfaultau]

SBI SCP AU character playlists

Tommy:

Rose by The Oh Hellos (I mean I'm doing an entire animatic wip, it fits and I have essays to prove it. Anyway violence, the power of names/narratives, truth, hypocrisy, how sacrifice and love tie together.)

Sunken City by David Wirsig (Tubbo associations, mostly symbolic/vibes past the prison break. The euphoria of escaping and how the world beyond is confusing and unrecognizable. The idea of journeying with a friend to the ruins of what was once your life. 6th verse as finding a new home in found family. 'God free me from the burden of my thoughts')

Never Love an Anchor by The Crane Wives (Tubbo, and how Tommy tries to distance himself to protect them/is the only reason Tubbo stays in a group with people they abhor. Touch starvation, hands as dangerous, seeing himself as a monster/burden. Again. Did an animatic for this one.)

Wilbur (yes they're all by Will Wood for the bit):

Misanthrapologist by Will Wood (Philza, for their light/dark dynamic and untangling of Wilbur's loathing of society and himself. WHiT Constellations interlude. I imagine 'can't keep a straight face while I'm praying' as Phil trying to get Wil to meditate but they end up laughing + 'don't you revolve around someone else' as a chide to Philza post Anderson's death)

Love Me, Normally (If he were honest with himself. Wilbur is wracked with jealousy for humanity that he disguises as hatred. Die young mentality, insomnia, bridge 2 addressed to the void, 'Is it courageous or escapist to leave the quarantine when you’re contagious?' as a comment on the danger of anomalies and if they should be contained)

BlackBoxWarrior (An entire life spent running from the Foundation and their experiments + trauma, repressing the past, general void madness, 'a map to every victim of his love' as the scars the void has left)

The Blade:

Red Water Dreams by Aviators (The sea motif of the voices, being a vessel for The Blood God, finding blame in those who unleashed his apocalyptic revenge. The entire chorus fits so well. 'Vicious thoughts are stirring/And I hunger for their power')

Paralyzed by Aviators (He's just an Aviators boy, what can I say, it's the violence and upbeat tempos man. Really this is The Blood God's song. His challengers as a duty to cull, as he's forced to hunt down every last foe that laid a hand upon his vessel. The thrill of battle, impending doom, 'I will give you one fair chance' because he really does seek a good fight. The Blade is the one paralyzed, unable to do anything but watch as his body is used for destruction)

Turn Out the Lights by The Crane Wives (Because The Blade does actually handle The Blood God/voices pretty well. I feel this song captures the way he just sorta rolls his eyes and shrugs off the intrusive thoughts most of the time)

Philza:

Rule #9 - Child of the Stars by Fish in a Birdcage (Wilbur as a wanderer, but works for any Collected for fostering their growth. Father vibes. Philza raising his children to be strong, independent people. A gentle expectation of greatness, because he picks out the exceptional among humanity)

Hot Tea by Half Alive (His sheer adoration of his Collected, also fun to swap the roles so that it is the god showing devotion. The pure warmth and sweetness matches Philza. In retrospect I need a song about protective violence but eh I set a 3 song limit.)

Time Machine by Miracle Musical (Amnestic arc. Particularly with loneliness and the vehemence in 'look at what you've done now to me', as well as 'I'm leaving today, today' with his confused insistence that he leaves at the end of the week. The way Philza is dragged in and out of grief at the whims of the Foundation, left free floating and disorientated)

Tubbo:

Soap by The Oh Hellos (Actual perfect Tubbo song. WHiT Croplands interlude. Themes of pacifism, how Tubbo is made of pieces, the separation between humans and anomalies and how the Hivemind can cross that barrier. Learning when to let go/hold on with the Tommy, Hive members, Willow. The 2nd chorus as Rhodes trying to convince Tubbo to leave Tommy in Jasper, with the response of 'I think that you’re worth (keeping around/holding onto)' to both Rhodes and Tommy's Never Love an Anchor. And imagining Tubbo saying the last stanza to Tommy makes me so soft)

Escapism by Rebecca Sugar (Dissociation. Grey chapter in general, specifically Pewter for being firm in convictions: 'shouldn't show a trace of doubt' and telling Rosalind the sacrifice won't hurt them, as well as trying to force a dissociative episode when their hand is sawed off)

Saint Bernard by Lincoln (ok this is a troll but also fits well for Cinnabar and Old Gauze. The guilt of failing one's morals. Technically Tubbo is in Indiana satanic and chained up, but I'll let it slide. The Saint Calvin verse is so good for the Rhodes-Tommy tension + Foundation destroying families. Also the way Tubbo blames their self-loathing on Rosalind, making the chorus apt for the Hivemind mess) (but also its funny to give Tubbo the classic edgy character song)

(Bonus) Dr. Blake:

Take Me to War by The Crane Wives (She sees herself as forced to be ruthless to survive against powerful anomalies. 'And I'll rankle the beasts with words' for her manipulation. Also epithets in the dehumanizing way the Foundation avoids names. Verse 3 is Tubbo 'corrupting' the guards when they saved humans from Philza)

Solaria, Kevin / End-World Normopathy by GHOST (Tommy, with religious themes and verse 5/Kevin understood as The Blood God. The cold cruelty of the Foundation, sentience as a failure/flaw in a tool (Tommy), Dr. Blake completely separating her personal and professional selves because to have humanity is only a weakness anomalies will exploit. 'Though you’ll never die, you’ve found that/All eyes are staring at your hands' is an absolutely perfect line for summoning sessions)

[qrjung]

*this isn't organized.

I think it's sad how little opportunity Josh and Simon were given to develop. Like, at all. Even their dialogues sounds terrible, almost like they're speaking for the game instead of as actual human beings. [Edit: Ha, this is so funny I'm keeping it in. "As actual human beings" bruh]

A scene on the Capitol park chapter is the clearest example of this. If he's still alive, Simon says (ha!); "Our broadcast is all over the news. Now the humans know what we want. We have to think about public opinion." Or something similar. At first it sounds like normal conversation, right?

Until you realize he's talking to Josh and North who all have the same amount of information as him so they already know what he's saying is true. And Markus isn't there so he can't be speaking to him. Which means he's talking directly to the player, literally spelling out everything for us and it makes me 😭😭😭 is that what people sound like irl? Like mouthpieces?

He's literally telling us "public opinion is really important in this game, just so you know. Think about all those blue arrows you're going to get *wink wink*" to remind the player to go pacifist.

For all the terrible ways David Cage handles North's character, in contrast to the other two Jericho leaders, she looks so fucking well written lmao. Most of what comes out of Josh's mouth when he's talking about the revolution doesn't sound like it's personalized. He's just spewing words to push the player in the direction the game/David Cage wants. Where's the personality? Where's the fucking motive behind his words???

Anyways, I could talk on and one about how unfair that shit is but that would be too depressing.

JOSH

I've talked about Josh here and there but never this indepth

From what we see of Josh, he's pretty opinionated. Just like North, he has his own set of beliefs and he's willing to die for them. Unlike North though, we never know why. And sure, he doesn't have to spell out all his motivations but it would have been nice if we'd known why he so strongly believes freedom can be won with dialogue. Especially in a world that is determined to prove him wrong.

Because ignore how happy the pacifist ending looks, there's androids still being executed while Markus is giving his hopeful speech. And the ending tag literally says "androids won their freedom. For now." What kind of ominous sentence is that?

Anyway, Josh reminds me of Rose; pacifism that exists not because the person is naive but they've choosen peace while being surrounded by violence. In DBH, choosen violence is easier and it pays off more. So while that doesn't necessarily make it the wrong option, it does make the people who go against it stand out.

But also, his stance could come from a place of fear. There's also that to consider. Maybe he's scared of what the humans will do if the revolution kicks off and he'll prefer they stay silent. Because that's his reasoning against the Stratford Mission

He's the one that expresses hesitance the most to the other missions Markus assigns. North is usually the first to agree with Simon agreeing too. But then in Freedom March, Josh is all for the March but Simon (later on) and North are hesitant. It makes me think Josh prefers taking risks when he's sure it'll actually pay off. Because like he says, that mall and the surrounding areas will go down in history. No matter the outcomes.

We also don't know anything about his past except that he was a university lecturer and hot attacked by his students. It's a shame this information doesn't come from Josh himself but from the character gallery. I wonder how long he's been teaching for?

His relationship with Markus is also very impersonal. He doesn't seem to like him much no matter which route you take but will somewhat tolerate him if he's pacifist. I think they're differences are beyond what Markus chooses for the revolution. He also doesn't like North much and Markus and North have a few things in common; they're action oriented, have a tendency to take risks with unknown chances of it paying off and Josh might not like that the risks they're taking could mean the end of android life if it fails.

He starts to warm up to him in night of the soul though but Markus has to save him first.

This adds to my theory that Josh chooses peace because he's cautious. He doesn't like the risky decisions Markus makes because he's scared of the consequences.

SIMON

I think Simon falls somewhere in the middle of the Violence - Pacifist scale. I wouldn't say neutrality (it's not the word I'm looking for🤔) but being able to go both ways should the need arise. Some people in the fandom frame him as a coward and I think that proves to be incorrect when you start thinking about it.

He's usually not vocally opposed to any options the player chooses and will be supportive. If you choose violence, he's ready to fight but if you choose pacifism he's also ready to march. But, he chooses to back down in some moments: high risk moments with opportunity to retreat.

It's almost like he's willing to take risks but when there isn't much on the line.

He agrees to missions when it just his life and the lives of the other three at stake but when something greater is on the line, he backs down. For instance, he'll agree to the spare parts mission, but will express hesitance after the bags of thirium have been gathered. His reasoning is because he doesn't want to lose the spare parts they've gotten and the mission be for nothing.

"We can’t bring them back with us. It’s too dangerous!"

"This is suicide, Markus. Our bags are full. We got what we came for, let's go before they catch us."

Hmm.

And in the freedom march chapter, he agrees at first. Not strongly though. He simply suggests if Markus wants to go through with the March, he should convert more androids to increase his chances of success. He disagrees later on; after he realizes that things might not go well and with the hundreds of androids gathered, that means more casualties.

"And dying here won’t solve anything. Markus, we need to go, now, before it’s too late."

It's insanely difficult to get a read on the guy though: he's really non vocal. He hovers in the background during conversations, only getting involved when it looks like conversations are getting heated. Does that make him the glue of the team?

He's also been in Jericho the longest of the four. Unlike Josh we never even know what he operated as before deviancy but I guess it's easy to see that he was most likely taking care of a child. If he's also been there for a while, did he have some form of "power" in Jericho? I like to think so.

But North also seems important too but she hasn't been in Jericho for very long so I can't say I see her as the pre revolution leader. She gets her opportunity to shine when Markus arrives and she's suited for more action oriented leadership. She seemed eager to get out and do stuff; if she was Jericho's leader before the game starts, it would show.

I wonder if Simon had a similar experience with Daniel though. But instead of acting on his feelings of betrayal, he choose to run away instead.

That's about as much as I can think of for Josh and Simon while still remaining within canon. Outside canon though, it opens a world of possibilities. I suppose it's no secret that I'm not a big fan of Simon's fanon characterization (especially in relation to Markus and how their relationship tends to take on tones of racial prejudice) so I won't be talking about that.

But Josh though, I can talk about him——he's an almost blank slate in the fandom since people tend to forget him.

[zmediaoutlet]

hello z, i have tried to pick some fun ones! 36, 62, 93

!! o bud of buds!! holy cow!

36. do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.

this is a bit of a tricky question with fic, but of course the answer remains ultimately yes -- bc all those little details that don't exist in the original text need to come from somewhere, and it turns out that you can flesh out existing characters quite a bit in a way that still feels IC with details from your mom or bestie (cough) or that one waiter at that restaurant. With OCs, who are usually also NPCs, it's also best practice as far as I'm concerned to plagiarize wholesale from real life -- they don't really matter except as flavor or to act as a cog in the machinery of how the scene moves forward, so you might as well make it easy on yourself AND possibly get a tiny inside joke with yourself, and also they just naturally are believable because they're real. Trying to come up with someone Distinctive and Wacky almost always reads false, whereas if you just use a real human who is distinctive and wacky au naturel they just... work. Shout-out to the inclusion in one of my stories of that one Beowulf professor who looks and acts like Santa. (I wonder if he's still with us?) Making that guy up would be stupid and you'd be tempted to include Fun Details to color him in; as is he just. Exists. Much better.

62. what’s the weirdest reason you’ve ever shipped something?

I thiiiink I can say that my shipping reasons are almost never because something would be Hot (unless I'm lying, but I don't think I am), so I guess in the larger fic context that might be weird in itself. Off the top of my head weird is a big ask. I ship Sam/Eileen specifically in the sense that I want her to be really into it and I want Sam to think that he's into it and then realize very quickly that, oh yeah, he's never actually fully committed to a relationship and what was he thinking, and so they fuck once and then he takes a call from Dean practically before he's wiped off and Eileen realizes with sinking disappointment and humiliation that she's never ever going to measure up. Like -- the reason I ship it is out of weird spite, haha. That's pretty bad, isn't it. I also ship Paul/Jessica from Dune basically purely out of that one scene where they first climb into their stillsuits in the first movie, not because I actually want to but because they are so fucking weird about it, and what is shipping really but listening to the weird-ass notes that canon itself drops and going "...wait, you what?"

93. do you hear other people’s writing styles when they talk?

SUPER no. I mean for a given value of talk. I am lucky enough to have some writer-buds and the way they communicate in text hardly matches up at all to the stuff they put out, which I find really interesting. I've been told that I talk a little how I write but of course that depends on the fandom and the mood of the story -- like, Supernatural-from-Dean's-POV-the-way-I-write-it tends to be really naturalistic and straightforward and he even drops a lot of the same references I would (seriously, Dean would've gotten along with the z fam), so that just feels like--transcribing. But, you know, The Australian doesn't work that way, nor does The Ornithologist. (Last time I read narrative from The School was a long time ago but I think that was a little closer? We'd have to think about it.) I wonder if that's a deliberate choice from people? I wonder further if literally writing more volume of words might affect how you communicate non-narratively. e.g. David Sedaris (for this week's mild obsession) certainly talks how he writes, but which came first? Conundrums.

[americano-psycho]

Okay, here we go.

Every time I threaten to swirlie my family members, it leads to raucous laughter. (Sinply because of the circumstances behind the first time I said that.)

My youngest brother has this running joke that I am a dead-beat baby daddy. This is hilarious because I am 1) biologically female, 2) asexual, and 3) also dances the line of aromantic. We also constantly make fun of each others taste in music. We all have vastly different tastes so pretty much nothing is safe. I've made more jokes about David Bowie and the Red Hot Chili Peppers than I can count at my younger brothers expense, but he shoots right back at my preference for metal music and my love for The Killers. We are also all some flavor of neurodivergent and we do pick on each other for those things, not in a mean-spirited way. For example, tonight my youngest brother was talking an out my sensory issues when it comes to food. I made faux meat loafs out of beans and I didnt want to taste them myself because meatloaf is one of my icks with food. His words were more a long-suffering sigh like when someone is trying to walk their dog and the dog decides they're done walking so now they have to carry this big ass dog all the way home. Like, "I love you, but god damn is it rotten work."

As for pop culture references, it's the same as the music thing. We all have different tastes. My mom and my youngest brother love Lord of the Rings so they quote it to each other constantly. My younger sister and I have watched all of Camp Camp and we quote it and reference it to each other all the time. My mom and i talk about old horror movies quite often. By "old" i mean the most recent horror movie we truly enjoy is Jeepers Creepers 2, though we aren't big on 90's horror as much. (Candyman from 1992 is an exception but that is because we fucking love it.) My mom and I also quote the Howl's Moving Castle book to each other often because we love it.

I'm sure I've missed quite a bit but that's the big ones.

Tell me about a joke that you and your family absolutely lose your shit over that other people would not get.

Tell me about the very unique way you pick on each other.

Or tell me about a pop culture reference your family will never let die and you’ve never heard any other family use it.

*chin on hands* I just love hearing these stories. (I’m obsessed with little loser microcultures like families and very niche fandoms) So lay it on me.

[mostofthingsmostofthetime]

My thoughts on Fiona & Cake so far -

* Sailor Moon style Fiona & Cake AU? Ahh, yes, please! Would tottally eat that shit up.

* Ice Prince? God Damn these show runners are really gonna have me simping for every possible version of Simon (except Ice King, who just made me kinda sad)

* Don't know the name of the style, but Fiona & her world are so cute

* Love that they gave Fiona's thighs some chonk. She's a grown woman she should have a grown women's body (obviously everyone's body is unique but you get what I mean) without needlessly sexualsing her (or so far anyway, but I hope that remains true to the end of the show)

* Marchel Lee is cool as fuck & I'm pleased so far with Donald Glover's performance

* Wow, it took me way too long to get who Hunter was supposed to be

* The male human version of LSP is just 'correct character design' in every single way

* Oh, so Gary dyes his hair in this universe. That makes sense.

* I get that they're sticking to established gender bend cannon, but I gotta be honeet I miss Peppiment Butler

* Also dosn't it seem out of character that this version of Pep But is not only "above" this version of Bubblegum but is so horrible to him when (despite his "shady ethics" he was shown as genuinely pretty loyal to the princess in the original series)

* The first intro was so cute but the second (& I guess permanent one now) is fucking awesome (just have to be careful about the glitches coz they hurt my eyes)

* Why am I so down bad for this depressed old man lol

* Marcy, I'm happy for you, girl, but you need to check on your dad

* Oh yeah, Choose Goose is evil now & I don't want to see him anymore

* Little girl, please leave that old man alone

* Actually, are all the "future people" this rude all the time? Like get out of that man's house.

* Not prismo hiding fanfiction in Ice King's head, lol

* The red suit bounty hunter is a dick but at least his design is cool (& weirdly attractive when his not going all Cthulu)

* Can the show stop showing us Simon's ass? Like, isn't he going through enough as it is? There's no need to keep humiliating him!

* Feels weird to find Finn hot now, but well, can you blame me? Coz like...Damn. Also, when shit hits the fan, I don't want him blaming himself. I mean at least he tried to help Simon.

* The Jake tattoo 💔😭 but hey, at least we know now that him & Finn will eventually get reincarnated together

* Sorry but I don't really like Cake's "new" design she went from cute to creepy (think it's something about the eyes) & no hate to the VA but I'm not loving her voice either

* Not too big of a fan of Cake in general so far tbh like I don't hate her or anything, but I think Jake was just so funny, wise & likeable (+ had a much more appealing design) that it's gonna take a while to get used to her & if I'm being honest I'm also unsure of how I feel about Fiona so far

* As Finn's human mum is bassically just computer code, does that mean she can't ever go to the afterlife & be reincarnated to be his mum again? Like if her software (or whatever it's called) gets destroyed, then that's it, game over? She just never gets to be his mum again? When she barely got a chance to, in the first place. I'm gonna cry!

* Farm world Finn makes me sad

* Old regular dog Jake deserves all the head smooshes, thank you, Cake

* Wonder who Finn's wife was in that world (maybe an alternate version of his wife from the pillow diamesion?)

* Not Finn's son playing out a Romeo & Juilet storyline, lol

* Jesus this show should have been rated F for flamethrower

* Wait no did bug Man just kill dad Finn (making his kids orphans)?

* Brian David Gilbert, is that you!?!?!?!

* OMG, shut up! GumbLee just randomly deciding to hang out with each other was so cute 😭💖

* Oh, so Winter King is super fucked up.......well, at least he looked cool & could sing (poor ice Marcy)

* Speaking of singing, omg The Candy Queen! As coo coo for coco pops as she was, that blender song was iconic (shame about her people though, hope she doesn't end up blaming Fiona)

* Butch (am I allowed to use that word?) soldier Bonnie, toxic Yuri & GumLee kiss all in one episode? Oh, I know the gays were being fed, lol.

* Ooh, there's that sweet, sweet character development I was hoping for, for Fiona (still waiting on Cake's)

* Evil Marcleline's wardrobe is not a want but a NEED!!!!!!!

* Dammit Prismo I know you don't mean to, but you gotta stop flapping your yap, or you're gonna get Fiona & Cake killed

* Fuck Miss Abadeer all my homies hate Miss Abadeer

* Good thing Cake is getting a handle on her powers

* I don't know how to feel about human Huntress Wizzard

* No, the one world (so far) where Martin isn't terrible & he dies!!!!!!!

* Yes, Simon, your existence helped someone!!!! Even looking like John Lennon on Crack, you were a good dad (considering the circumstances)

* Not Huntress wizzard to!!!!!!

* Oh shit the remote. That's probably not good

* Well, at least Cake didn't become vampire food

* Wait, we really don't get to see if alt Bubbline murder/suicide each other?

* Baby Finn better survive the vampire world, or I'm gonna lose it

[holdingforgeneralhugs]

Hey I love your ships for band of brothers and I was wondering if you could do me. I’m 5’6, and my family is mostly Hispanic and European. I have short black hair that is close to my shoulders. I have dark brown eyes that are nearly black and I have long eyelashes. I like my eyes the best out of all my features. I have a Latina body that I’m kind of insecure about. I like to wear baggy clothes and I lean more to being an introvert. Im an empath and struggle with anxiety and ocd. I’m very studious and academically motivated, and I can come off as a perfectionist to most. However, I love to travel to Europe and around the world to meet new people, try new foods, and going to historical places. Im a huge history nerd. I watch anything that is historical. I also love watching horror movies and playing videogames. I would play videogames, but I like to backseat game more. I always love watching films that have deep meanings but I can go for an action movie like Marvel movies. After watching films, I love to go into deep conversations, and I love to talk about philosophy and different ideas of life. I also want to become an art historian when I grow up and have my own art business on the side. Oh, and I love to read, mostly mystery books. As well, I love to listen to music. I mostly listen to the Beatles, Arctic Monkeys, Queen, Beastie Boys, Amy Winehouse, and etc… I’m pretty much good with every type of music, except country (though I love Dolly Parton). So yeah that is all there is to me. I hope you have a nice day!

Hello my dear, and thanks so much for sending in a request 💕 I ship you with David Webster

He always says that the eyes are the window to the soul, and he spends quite a lot of time staring into yours because God they're the most gorgeous shade of brown.

He also thinks you're super hot and makes sure to always remind you of it. I low-key think he'd be touchy-feely

The Academic Couple

You guys love watching movies together and then you'll stay up for hours after discussing all the different themes and meanings behind different moments.

He surprises you with a summer trip to Europe. You guys go to ALL of the historical sights you can squeeze in and you totally nerd out.

Its also a food tour though, so you obviously have to try the native cuisine in every place you visit. He made you try escargot in France and boy, was that something.

He pretends he doesn't get scared watching horror movies, but he totally ends up with his head in your shoulder peeking through his fingers. You think it's adorable really.

He takes you to art museums all the time because he loves how your eyes twinkle and how excited you get while admiring thr art.

When you guys went to the Louvre in Paris is was like having his own personal tour guide because you knew so much about all the art and he loved listening to you talk about it.

He always let's you in charge of the radio in the car because he knows you'll always play great music

Hope you like it💕

[tabbytabbytabby]

Thiam snowed in and having to share a bed. They're on a pack getaway and have to share after everyone else claims the rooms. They end cuddling because Liam is a total octopus. Theo thinks it's adorable, shut up Theo....I am not adorable

Thank you for the prompt! Hope this is what you were looking for.

Also on AO3

Theo can tell Liam is excited. He’s practically bouncing in theseat next to Theo as the two of them, along with Mason and Corey, drive towardsGatlinburg, TN. The Sheriff, Melissa, and Argent are in the car behind them.With the pack all spread out across the country they had decided it would beeasier to meet up somewhere as a halfway point and celebrate Christmas there.Lydia had mentioned how beautiful Gatlinburg is and that’s how they wound uprenting out a cabin in the mountains for a week.

Theo watches Liam fromthe corner of his eye, a small smile gracing his lips, “You better save someenergy. We still have another 9 hours to go. And I’m not driving the whole way.”

“You have 2 otherpeople in the car that can help drive you know,” Liam says, his excitementstill apparent.

“True. And if one ofthem drives I can stretch out in the backseat since the other will most likelywant shotgun.”

“What about me?”

Theo smirks, “Oh, youcan ride in the back.”

“It’s snowing!”

Theo’s shoulders shakewith silent laughter, “Aw what’s wrong? Little Wolf afraid of a little snow?You seemed so excited for it a few minutes ago.”

Liam pouts, “I like lookingat it. Doesn’t mean I want to spend hours out in it with the wind biting at myface.”

“Isn’t that what’sgoing to happen when we get to the cabin?” Mason asks, sticking his headbetween the seats to look at Liam.

Liam pushes his headback, “No comments from the peanut gallery.”

Mason leans back inhis seat, snuggling back up to Corey, before looking at Theo, “I can drivewhenever you get tired.”

“Next time we stopI’ll take you up on that,” Theo says.

“When is thatexactly?” Liam asks, “Because I kind of have to pee.”

There’s a collectivegroan from everyone else in the car before Theo reaches over and smacks Liamlightly on the back of the head, “We stopped an hour ago. Not even an hour ago.What the hell?”

“I didn’t need to gothen.”

“And you drank a whole2 liter of Mt. Dew,” Mason says.

Theo glares over athim, “You didn’t.”

“He did,” Corey says,“I saw him.”

Theo sighs, “Fine.There’s an exit coming up. We’ll stop there. Is anyone hungry?”

“I am!” Comes thecollective response of the three other people in the car.

“Then we’re eatingtoo. I don’t want to have to stop again. And text John so that they know we’restopping.”

Liam does a mocksalute and pulls out his phone, shooting a text to the Sheriff. Theo pulls offat the next exit, waving the Melissa, John, and Chris as they drive on. Theo’sbarely parked the car before Liam is jumping out, leaving his door open as heruns inside.

“Seriously Liam?” Theocalls after him, rolling his eyes as he walks around to close Liam’s door forhim.

Liam just does a littlewave and continues inside, leaving the others to trail after him. They get foodat the Wendy’s attached to the gas station before getting back on the road.Theo is more than happy to curl up in the back seat and sleep for a few hours.He’s done most of the driving so far so this is a well-deserved break. He’d beworried about letting someone else drive his truck but Mason has proven himselfto be a competent driver.

He falls asleep withhis head on his pillow, leaning against the door. Liam is doing the same on theother side. Except when he wakes up that’s not the case anymore. Sometime inthe last few hours Liam has moved from his side of the car over to Theo’s,practically plastering himself to Theo’s side. His head is resting againstTheo’s middle with his arm thrown around his waist and his legs stretched outnext to him on the seat.

“At least someone iscomfortable,” Theo mutters.

He hears a laugh fromthe front seat and looks up to see Mason looking back at him. Somewhere alongthe way he and Corey had switched places and now Corey is driving.

“Jesus how long was Iout?” Theo asks.

“About 7 hours,” Masonsays, “you two slept like the dead. We made two stops and neither of you evenflinched.”

Theo’s eyes widen ashe looks down at Liam, “And how long has he been like this?”

“Oh I’d say about 6 ½hours. He complained about not being able to get comfortable. He tried puttinghis feet on your lap but you kept pushing them off. Funny enough you didn’tseem to mind when he moved over to cuddle you.”

Theo doesn’t know whatto say to that. He can’t exactly say that he minds it. He actually enjoyshaving Liam this close. He’s not about to tell Mason and Corey that though,they’d never let him live it down. From the looks on their faces when he looksback up, they probably know.

“Do you want me todrive?” He asks.

Corey shakes his head,“Nah I’m good. We only have a couple more hours. If anything, Mason can driveagain.”

Mason nods, “Yeahbetter to not wake a sleeping Liam.”

Theo snorts, “How isit that he somehow got out of driving?”

“Because he’s adorableand you’re in love with him.”

“What? That’s… I amnot!”

Theo tries to move butLiam grumbles, tightening his grip on Theo. Theo’s surprised his claws didn’tcome out. He sighs, sitting back in his seat again, pointedly ignoring thelooks he knows Mason and Corey are directing at him.

“Just shut up anddrive,” Theo grumbles.

“I’m not driving,”Mason says, small grin on his face.

“Then just shut up.”

They arrive at thecabin less than 2 hours later to find the rest of the pack already there,including Liam’s parents who had flown in the night before. Unfortunately, thismeans that all the rooms have been claimed. Everyone is paired up: Derek andStiles, Lydia and Parrish, Scott and Malia, Mason and Corey, John and Melissa,Liam’s parents Jenna and David, and then Chris flat out said he wasn’t sharing.Meaning there’s only one room left. With one bed. For Theo and Liam to share.Theo is fucked.

Liam doesn’t seem allthat concerned about it, “It’s just sharing a bed.”

“Yeah but somethingtells me you’re a bed hog,” Theo says.

Jenna laughs, “Oh heis.”

“But if he gets toobad you can just kick him to the floor,” David jokes.

Liam glareshalf-heartedly at his parents, “Funny. But I’m not sleeping on the floor. I’mperfectly capable of sharing a bed.”

“We’ll see,” Theosays, grabbing his bag and carrying it upstairs to their room, Liam trailingafter him.

He just feels gratefulthe bed is actually pretty big, meaning they should have plenty of spacebetween them. He might not mind being close to Liam but he has no idea how Liamfeels. The last thing he needs is for Liam to find out how he feels by wakingup in a compromising position.

After putting theirthings away they make their way back downstairs to where the others havegathered in the living room. All conversation seems to stop as soon as theothers notice them coming which isn’t the least bit suspicious, not at all.

“Real subtle guys,”Theo says, flopping back onto the couch.

Liam immediately takesthe seat next to him, sitting close enough that their thighs touch. He looksover to see the others watching them, only to immediately look away when theynotice Theo looking. Jesus. He honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they somehowplanned to get him and Liam to room together. Especially not Mason, Lydia, andStiles. There’s no telling what plotting those three have been doing.

“So are you guys justgoing to stand around being weird or are we going to do something?”

“We just got here,”Mason says, “don’t you want to relax a bit?”

“Kind of hard for usto relax with people staring at us like some fascinating project or something,”Theo says.

That seems to geteveryone moving, some going into the kitchen to start making dinner whileothers move to the cabinet to find a game to play or movie to watch. Theo isjust grateful to have the attention off him.

It’s easy to relaxafter that. He winds up going into the kitchen and helping Jenna and Melissawith dinner. Liam joins them when they start making cookies, standing shoulderto shoulder with Theo as they line the cookie dough on the tray. Christmasmusic and the sound of happy laughter is filtering in from the living room. Thewhole atmosphere is peaceful, something Theo isn’t used to. He loves it though.

As the cookies bakethey put on Nativity, Stiles insisting it should be a classic because MartinFreeman is hilarious. It’s a lot funnier than he was expecting so Theo can’thelp but agree after, something Stiles looks far too pleased about. Which iswhy they wind up watching the second one right after.

By the time it’s over it’s nearing 11 and the others are ready tocall it a night. Theo watches them go before stepping into the kitchen. He’s notquite tired enough to sleep yet so he decides to make himself some hotchocolate.

Derek joins him ashe’s putting the cup in the microwave, leaning against the wall and giving Theoa considering look, “I know they meddle but they really have the bestintentions.”

“I know,” Theo says.

“That doesn’t mean Iagree with their methods,” Derek says.

“What?” Theo asks,“You mean like ensuring Liam and I have to share a bed in hopes that we’ll gettogether?”

“Figured it out, didyou?”

Theo laughs, “Itwasn’t that hard to figure out.”

“Just don’t be angryat them.”

“I’m not angry,” Theosays, getting his cup out of the microwave. He keeps his back to Derek as hestirs his hot chocolate, “I’m really not. I know they think they’re doingwhat’s best but… “

“You don’t want to bepushed into something you’re not ready for,” Derek finishes.

Theo shakes his head,putting his spoon in the sink before turning back around to face Derek, “I am ready. I just don’t know if Liam is.Or if he even wants this.”

“I know this is goingto sound strange coming from me of all people, but maybe you should talk tohim.”

“Like you talked toStiles?” Theo asks, smirking over at Derek.

Derek rolls his eyes,“That’s exactly my point. I wasted so much time holding back and keeping mydistance from Stiles. Time where we could have been together. There’s somethingthere with you and Liam. You just have to be brave enough to go for it.”

Derek leaves withoutanother word. Theo is left staring after him, mouth hanging open. He closes it,looking down at his still full class of hot chocolate. He knows Derek is right,but he also knows nothing is going to happen tonight. Theo takes his timedrinking his hot chocolate before heading upstairs. Liam is already changed andin bed, the covers on the other side pulled back just waiting for Theo to getin.

He’d like nothing morethan to crawl into bed and go to sleep but after hours in the car he feelsgross, “I need to take a shower.”

“I figured. There’stowels left in there,” Liam says, gesturing to the door on the other side of theroom.

He’s quick in theshower, just wanting to get the grime from the day off of him so he can getinto bed. Liam is sleeping when he walks back into the room, his back to Theo.Theo gets into bed gently as possible, not wanting to wake the sleeping beta. Hefalls asleep pretty fast, Liam’s heartbeat and gentle breathing lulling him tosleep.

When Theo wakes up inthe morning he’s immediately aware of a warm presence along his back. He cracksan eye open to see an arm slung over his waist, as well as a leg curled overhis hip. There’s also a face pressed into the back of his neck, gentle breathsghosting across his skin. It’s then that he realizes that sometime in themiddle of the night Liam sleep cuddled him.

In the car it wasunderstandable, but this bed? They could have fit two other people between themin the bed, that’s how much space there was between them. Meaning Liam had tohave actively sought out cuddling Theo. And he’s not just cuddling Theo, he’sthrown himself around him like a total octopus.

Theo can’t help butsmile, reaching up to run his fingers along Liam’s knuckles, “God you’readorable.”

He feels more thanhears Liam groan behind him, his voice speaking right in Theo’s ear, “Shut upTheo. I am not adorable.”

“You are though,” Theosays, continuing to trace random patterns on Liam’s knuckles, “you crossed allthat distance in the bed just to cuddle me. You are adorable.”

“Maybe I wanted tocuddle you because you’re adorable.”

Theo smiles, twistingin Liam’s arms causing him to grumble his complaints. Theo settles back downwhen he’s on his side facing Liam, their noses brushing, “Then I guess we’reboth adorable.”

Liam stares at himwith slightly bleary eyes, a small smile crossing his face, “Guess we’ll justhave to be adorable together.”

“Hmm…” Theo runs hisnose from Liam’s check down to his jaw, smiling at the pleased noise Liammakes, “you know when people are adorable together they’re usually a couple.”

It’s not a question,just an observation. One that feels less big in the early light of the morning.Theo watches as Liam’s smile widens and he pulls back enough to look at Theo,“I’d be okay with that if you are.”

“I’m more than okaywith that,” Theo grins, placing a soft kiss to Liam’s lips before pulling back.He wraps an arm around Liam, pulling him close again. Liam goes willingly,sighing in contentment as he rests his head on Theo’s chest. It’s still earlyand they both could use more sleep.

He reminds himself tothank the pack later, even if it means dealing with their gloating.

[crosseyed-miles]

                     The Breakfast Club                    written and directed by                         John Hughes BLANK SCREEN:     Against Black, TITLE CARD:           "...and these children that you spit on,            as they try to change their worlds are           immune to your consultations.  They're         quite aware of what they're going through...                                        - David Bowie"     The Blank Screen and Title Card SHATTER to reveal... 1. EXT. SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL - DAY     During Brian's monologue, we see various views of things     inside the school including Bender's locker.                          BRIAN (VO)               Saturday...March 24, 1984.  Shermer               High School, Shermer, Illinois.               60062.  Dear Mr. Vernon...we accept               the fact that we had to sacrifice a               whole Saturday in detention for               whatever it was that we did wrong,               what we did was wrong.  But we think               you're crazy to make us write this               essay telling you who we think we               are, what do you care?  You see us               as you want to see us...in the               simplest terms and the most               convenient definitions.  You see us               as a brain, an athelete, a basket               case, a princess and a criminal.               Correct?  That's the way we saw each               other at seven o'clock this morning.               We were brainwashed...                                                  CUT TO: 2. INT. CLAIRE'S CAR - DAY     We see CLAIRE and her FATHER sitting in their car in the     parking lot.     Claire is the prom queen and is clearly a snob.                            CLAIRE               I can't believe you can't get me               out of this...I mean it's so absurd               I have to be here on a Saturday!               It's not like I'm a defective or               anything...                       CLAIRE'S FATHER               I'll make it up to you...Honey,               ditching class to go shopping               doesn't make you a defective.  Have               a good day.     Claire rolls her eyes and gets out of the car and walks     up the school front steps                                                  CUT TO: 3. INT. BRIAN'S CAR - DAY     We are in BRIAN's car.  His MOTHER is there and so is     his little SISTER.  He is sort of a nerd.                        BRIAN'S MOTHER               Is this the first time or the last               time we do this?                            BRIAN                    (upset)               Last...                        BRIAN'S MOTHER               Well get in there and use the time               to your advantage...                            BRIAN               Mom, we're not supposed to study; we               just have to sit there and do               nothing.                        BRIAN'S MOTHER               Well mister you figure out a way to               study.                    BRIAN'S LITTLE SISTER                    (annoyingly)               Yeah!                        BRIAN'S MOTHER               Well go!     Brian gets out of the car and walks towards the school.                                                  CUT TO: 4. INT. ANDREW'S CAR - DAY     We see ANDREW and his FATHER.  Andrew is clearly a jock;     he’s wearing a letterman’s jacket with lots of patches on it.                       ANDREW'S FATHER               Hey, I screwed around...guys screw               around, there's nothing wrong with               that.  Except you got caught, Sport.                            ANDREW               Yeah, Mom already reemed me, alright?                       ANDREW'S FATHER                    (angry)               You wanna miss a match?  You wanna               blow your ride?  Now no school's               gonna give a scholarship to a               discipline case.     Andrew gets out of the car and walks into the school.                                                  CUT TO: 5. EXT. SHERMER PARKING LOT - DAY     We see JOHN BENDER walking towards us.  He is wearing     sunglasses.  A car is coming towards him but he doesn't     stop walking.     The car slams on its breaks directly in front of him.     Bender gets out of the frame.  Out of the car steps     ALLISON.  She is dressed all in black.  She steps     forward to look in the car's front window and the car     drives away.                                                 CUT TO: 6. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     There are six tables in two rows of three.     Claire is sitting at the front table.  Brian comes in     and sits at the table behind her.     Andrew comes in and points at the chair next to Claire     at the front table.  She shrugs and he sits there.     In walks Bender, he touches everything on the checkout     desk and takes a few things in the process.     He walks over to where Brian is sitting and points to     the table on the opposite side of the Library.  Brian     reluctantly gets up and moves.     Bender sits at the table where Brian was and puts his     feet up.     Allison walks in.  She walks all the way around the     library and sits in the back corner table, just behind     Brian.     Andrew and Claire look at each other and snicker.     Brian looks at her in confusion and then turns away.     Enter RICHARD VERNON, a teacher.  He holds a stack     of papers in his left hand.  He addresses the group with     such disrespect it makes you wonder how he ever got the     job.                            VERNON               Well...well.  Here we are!  I want               to congradulate you for being on               time...     Claire raises her hand.                            CLAIRE               Excuse me, sir?  I think there's               been a mistake.  I know it's               detention, but...um...I don't think               I belong in here...     Vernon doesn't care.  He just continues to talk.                            VERNON               It is now seven-oh-six.  You have               exactly eight hours and fifty-four               minutes to think about why you're               here.  To ponder the error of your               ways...     Bender spits into the air and catches the spit in his     mouth again.     Claire looks like she is going to gag.                            VERNON               ...and you may not talk.  You will               not move from these seats.     He glances up at Bender and points at him.                            VERNON               ...and you...     Vernon pulls the chair out from under Bender's feet.                            VERNON               ...will not sleep.  Alright people,               we're gonna try something a little               different today.  We are going to               write an essay--of no less than a               thousand words--describing to me               who you think you are.                            BENDER               Is this a test?     Vernon passes out paper and pencils and takes no notice     of Bender.                            VERNON               And when I say essay...I mean essay.               I do not mean a single word repeated               a thousand times.  Is that clear Mr.               Bender?     Bender looks up.                            BENDER               Crystal...                            VERNON               Good.  Maybe you'll learn a little               something about yourself.  Maybe               you'll even--decide whether or not               you care to return.     Brian raises his hand and then stands.                            BRIAN               You know, I can answer that right               now sir...That'd be "No", no for me.               'cause...                            VERNON               Sit down Johnson...                            BRIAN           ��   Thank you sir...     He sits.                            VERNON               My office...     Vernon points.                            VERNON               ...is right across that hall.  Any               monkey business is ill-advised...     He looks around at them.                            VERNON               ...any questions?                            BENDER               Yeah...I got a question.     Vernon looks at him suspiciously.                            BENDER               Does Barry Manilow know you raid his               wardrobe?                            VERNON               I'll give you the answer to that               question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday.               Don't mess with the bull young man,               you'll get the horns.     Vernon leaves.                            BENDER               That man...is a brownie hound...     Everyone tries to get comfortable and we hear a loud     snapping sound.  Brian turns and looks and it is     Allison, biting her nails.     Bender's eyes widen as he turns to look.  Everyone is     looking now.  Allison notices them looking at her.                            BENDER               You keep eating your hand and you're               not gonna be hungry for lunch...     Allison spits part of her nail at Bender.                            BENDER               I've seen you before, you know...     We see Vernon look out from his office.     We see Brian playing with his pen.                            BRIAN                    (quietly to himself)               Who do I think I am?  Who are you?               Who are you?     He attaches the pen to his bottom lip and puts the top     under his upper lip.                            BRIAN               I am a walrus...     Bender looks at him in utter confusion.  Brian notices     this, laughs and takes the pen out of his mouth--     embarrassed.     Bender and Brian begin to take their jackets off at the     same time.  They both notice this.  Brian stops removing     his jacket.     Bender takes his all the way off.  Brian rubs his hands     together and pretends to be cold.  He pulls his jacket     back on.  He turns and looks at Bender who is still     staring at him.                            BRIAN               It's the shits, huh?     Bender glares at him and Brian utters an uncomfortable     laugh.     Bender turns away and crumples up his essay paper.  He     throws it at Claire.  It misses and goes over Claire's     head.     Andrew and Claire acknowlege it but continue to ignore     Bender.     Bender starts loudly "singing" the musical part of a     song.  “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...nah, nah, nah...”                            CLAIRE                    (to herself)               I can't believe this is really               happening to me...     Bender stops "singing" abruptly.                            BENDER               Oh, shit!  What're we s'posed to do               if we hafta take a piss?                            CLAIRE                    (disgusted)               Please...                            BENDER               If you gotta go...     We hear Bender unzip his fly.                            BENDER               You gotta go!     Everyone is now looking at Bender.                            CLAIRE                   (disgusted)               Oh my God!                            ANDREW               Hey, yer not urinating in here man!                            BENDER               Don't talk!  Don't talk!  It makes               it crawl back up!                            ANDREW               You whip it out and you're dead               before the first drop hits the               floor!     Bender gasps mockingly.                            BENDER               You're pretty sexy when you get               angry...grrr!     He turns to Brian.                            BENDER               Hey, homeboy...     Brian points at himself with his pen.                            BENDER              ...why don't you go close that door.               We'll get the prom queen--               impregnated!     Claire turns and glares at him.                            ANDREW               Hey!     Bender ignores him.                            ANDREW               Hey!                          BENDER               What?                            ANDREW               If I lose my temper, you're totalled               man!                            BENDER               Totally?                            ANDREW               Totally!                            CLAIRE                    (to Bender)               Why don't you just shut up!  Nobody               here is interested!                            ANDREW               Really!                    (to Claire about Bender)               Buttface!                            BENDER               Well hey Sporto!  What'd you do to               get in here?  Forget to wash your               jock?                            BRIAN                    (nervous)               Uh, excuse me, fellas?  I think we               should just write our papers...                            ANDREW                    (to Bender)               Look, just because you live in here               doesn't give you the right to be a               pain in the ass...so knock it off!     Bender mockingly registers pain in his face.                            BENDER               It's a free country...                            CLAIRE                    (to Andrew)               He's just doing it to get a rise out               of you!  Just ignore him...                            BENDER                    (to Claire)               Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if               you tried!     Claire rolls her eyes.                           BENDER               So...so!                    (to Andrew and Claire)               Are you guys like boyfriend/girl-               friend?                    (a beat)               Steady dates?                    (another beat)               Lo--vers?                    (another beat)               Come on Sporto, level with me.  Do               you slip her the hot...beef...               injection?     Claire and Andrew turn to face Bender, both furious.                            CLAIRE                    (screams)               Go to hell!                            ANDREW                    (screams)               Enough!                                                  CUT TO: 7. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY     We see Vernon in his office.                            VERNON                    (yells)               Hey!  What's going on in there?                    (to himself)               Smug little pricks!                                                  CUT TO: 8. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     They all look at each other.  Andrew turns away from     Bender.                            ANDREW                    (to himself)               Scumbag!     Bender stands up and walks over to the railing.  He sits     on it.                            BENDER               What do you say we close that door.               We can't have any kind of party               with Vernon checking us out every               few seconds.                            BRIAN               Well, you know the door's s'posed to               stay open...                           BENDER               So what?                           ANDREW               So why don't you just shut up!               There's four other people in here               you know...                            BENDER               God, you can count.  See!  I knew               you had to be smart to be a...a               wrestler.                            ANDREW               Who the hell are you to judge               anybody anyway?                            CLAIRE               Really...                            ANDREW               You know, Bender...you don't even               count.  I mean if you disappeared               forever it wouldn't make any               difference.  You may as well not               even exist at this school.     Bender probably is upset at this and he pauses a moment     before speaking.  He doesn't let his emotions out,     however.                            BENDER               Well...I'll just run right out and               join the wrestling team.     Andrew and Claire look at each other and laugh at     Bender.                            BENDER                    (to Claire)               Maybe the prep club too!  Student               council...                            ANDREW               No, they wouldn't take you.                            BENDER               I'm hurt.                            CLAIRE               You know why guys like you knock               everything...                            BENDER                    (to himself)               Oh, this should be stunning...                            CLAIRE               It's 'cause you're afraid.                            BENDER                    (with mock enthusiasm)               Oh, God!  You ritchies are so smart,               that's exactly why I'm not heavy in               activities!                            CLAIRE               You're a big coward!     Brian feels left out.                            BRIAN                    (to no one imparticular)               I'm in the math club...                            CLAIRE               See you're afraid that they won't               take you.  You don't belong so you               just have to dump all over it...                            BENDER               Well...it wouldn't have anything to               do with you activities people being               assholes...now would it?                            CLAIRE               Well you wouldn't know...You don't               even know any of us.                            BENDER               Well, I don't know any lepers               either, but I'm not gonna run out               and join one of their fucking clubs.                            ANDREW               Hey let's watch the mouth, huh?     Brian again feels he needs to contribute.                            BRIAN               I'm in the physics club too...                            BENDER                    (to Claire)               S'cuse me a sec...                    (to Brian)               What are you babbling about?                            BRIAN               Well, what I said was...I'm in the               math club, the Latin club and the               physics club...physics club.     Bender nods and turns to Claire.                            BENDER               Hey...Cherry...do you belong to the               physics club?                            CLAIRE               That's an academic club...                            BENDER               So?                            CLAIRE               So...academic clubs aren't the same               as other kinds of clubs.                            BENDER               Oh, but to dorks like him...     Bender points at Brian.                            BENDER               ...they are.                    (to Brian)               What do you guys do in your club?                            BRIAN               In physics, um, we ah, we talk about               physics...about properties of physics.                            BENDER               So it's sorta social...demented and               sad, but social.  Right?                            BRIAN               Yeah, well, I guess you could               consider it a social situation.  I               mean there are other children in my               club and uh, at the end of the year               we have, um, you know, a big               banquet, at the, uh, at the Hilton.                            BENDER               You load up, you party...                            BRIAN               Well, no, we get dressed up...I               mean, but, we don't...we don't get               high.                            CLAIRE                    (to Bender)               Only burners like you get high...                            BRIAN               And, uh, I didn't have any shoes.               So I had to borrow my dad's.  It               was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't               like me to wear other people's               shoes.  And, uh, my cousin Kent...my               cousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana...               He got high once and you know, he               started eating like really weird               foods.  And uh, and then he just               felt like he didn't belong anywhere.               You know, kinda like, you know               "Twilight Zone" kinda.                            CLAIRE                    (laughs)                    (to Bender)               Sounds like you...                            ANDREW               Look, you guys keep up your talking               and Vernon's gonna come right in               here...I got a meet this Saturday               and I'm not gonna miss it on account               of you boneheads...                            BENDER                    (to Andrew)               Oh and wouldn't that be a bite...     Bender lets out a moan of fake agony.                            BENDER               Missing a whole wrestling meet!                            ANDREW               Well you wouldn't know anything               about it, faggot!  You never competed               in your whole life!                            BENDER                    (with mock hurt)               Oh, I know...I feel all empty inside               because of it.  I have such a deep               admiration for guys that roll around               on the floor with other guys!                            ANDREW               Ahhh...you'd never miss it.  You               don't have any goals.                            BENDER               Oh, but I do!                            ANDREW               Yeah?                            BENDER               I wanna be just--like--you!  I               figure all I need's a labotamy and               some tights!     Brian becomes interested.                            BRIAN               You wear tights?                            ANDREW                    (to Brian)               No I don't wear tights, I wear the               required uniform...                            BRIAN               Tights...                            ANDREW                    (defensive)               Shut up!     They hear Vernon moving around out in the hall so Bender     quickly comes and sits in the chair between Claire and     Andrew.  He folds his hands on the table.     Vernon goes back into his office.  Bender laughs and     gets up.  He starts walking towards the double doors     that separate the library from the hallway.                            BRIAN               You know there's not s'posed to be               any monkey business!     Bender turns and points at Brian.                            BENDER                    (in a stern voice)               Young man...have you finished your               paper?     Bender turns back away and goes to the door.  He looks     around cautiously and removes a screw from the door.                            CLAIRE               What are you gonna do?                            ANDREW               Drop dead, I hope!                                                  CUT TO: 9. INT. HALLWAY - DAY     We see Vernon getting a drink at the fountain. He stands     up and checks the way he looks in a mirror.  He does a     muscular pose and utters some manly jibberish “Cobadonga!”                                                  CUT TO: 10. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Brian looks up.  Bender is messing with the door to the     library.                            BRIAN               Bender, that's, that's school               property there...you know, it doesn't               belong to us.  It's something not to               be toyed with.     The door slams shut.  Bender runs back to his seat.                            ANDREW               That's very funny, come on, fix it!                            BRIAN               You should really fix that!                            BENDER               Am I a genius?                            ANDREW               No, you're an asshole!                            BENDER               What a funny guy!                            ANDREW               Fix the door Bender!                            BENDER               Everyone just shhh!                                                  CUT TO: 11. INT. HALLWAY - DAY     We see Vernon walking back to his office.  He stops and     listens to them through the closed door.                         BENDER (OS)               I've been here before, I know what               I'm doing!                         ANDREW (OS)               No!  Fix the door, get up there and               fix it!                         BENDER (OS)                    (screams)               Shut up!                                                  CUT TO: 12. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     We see Brian as we hear Vernon in the hall.                         VERNON (OS)               God damnit!     He opens the door and storms in.                            VERNON               Why is that door closed?     For a few seconds no one says anything, they just stare     at Vernon.                            VERNON               Why is that door closed?                            BENDER               How're we s'posed to know?  We're               not s'posed to move, right?     Vernon turns to Claire.                            VERNON               Why?                            CLAIRE               We were just sitting here, like we               were s'posed to...     Vernon looks around and looks at Bender.                            VERNON               Who closed that door?                            BENDER               I think a screw fell out of it...                            ANDREW               It just closed, sir...     Vernon looks at Allison in the back.                            VERNON               Who?     Allison lets out a squeak and slams her face onto the     table, hiding in her jacket hood.                            BENDER               She doesn't talk, sir...                            VERNON                    (to Bender)               Give me that screw...                            BENDER              I don't have it...                            VERNON               You want me to yank you outta that               seat and shake it out of you?                            BENDER               I don't have it...screws fall out               all of the time, the world's an               imperfect place...                            VERNON               Give it to me, Bender...                            CLAIRE               Excuse me, sir, why would anybody               want to steal a screw?                            VERNON                    (to Claire)               Watch it, young lady...     Vernon goes over to the door.  He tries to hold it open     by putting a folding chair in front of it.                            BENDER               The door's way too heavy, sir.     The door slams shut despite the chair.                         VERNON (OS)               God damnit!     They laugh.     Vernon opens the door again.  He comes back in.                            VERNON                    (pointing)               Andrew Clark...get up here.  Come on,               front and center, let's go.     Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon.                            BENDER               Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up?               If he gets up, we'll all get up,               it'll be anarchy!     Vernon and Andrew are now attempting to move the steel     magazine rack in front of the door.                            VERNON              Okay, now, watch the magazines!                            BENDER               It's out of my hands...     They get it into the doorway and it blocks the entire     door.                            BENDER               That's very clever sir, but what if               there's a fire?  I think violating               fire codes and endangering the               lives of children would be unwise               at this juncture in your career, sir.     Vernon thinks about it.  He turns to Andrew.                            VERNON               Alright, what are you doing with               this?  Get this outta here for God's               sake!  What's the matter with you?               Come on!                            BRIAN               You know the school comes equipped               with fire exits at either end of the               library.     Brian points at them and Bender glares at him.                            BENDER                    (to Brian)               Show Dick some respect!     Andrew and Vernon come back into the main section of     the library.                            VERNON                    (to Andrew)               Let's go...go!  Get back into your               seat.     Andrew sits.                            VERNON                    (to Andrew)               I expected a little more from a               varsity letterman!                    (to Bender)               You're not fooling anybody, Bender!               The next screw that falls out is               gonna be you!     Vernon turns to leave.                            BENDER                    (under his breath)               Eat my shorts...     Vernon spins in his tracks and faces Bender again.                            VERNON               What was that?                            BENDER                    (loudly)               Eat my shorts!                            VERNON               You just bought yourself another               Saturday, mister!                            BENDER               Oh, Christ...                            VERNON               You just bought one more right               there!                            BENDER               Well, I'm free the Saturday after               that...beyond that, I'm gonna have               to check my calendar!                            VERNON               Good!  'Cause it's gonna be filled,               we'll keep goin'!  You want another               one?  Say the word, just say the               word!  Instead of going to prison,               you'll come here!  Are you through.                            BENDER               No!                            VERNON               I'm doing society a favor!                            BENDER               So?                            VERNON               That's another one, right now!  I've               got you for the rest of your natural               born life if you don't watch your               step!  You want another one?                            BENDER               Yes!                            VERNON               You got it!  You got another one,               right there!  That's another one               pal!                            CLAIRE                    (worried)               Cut it out!     Claire mouths the word "Stop" to Bender.                            VERNON               You through?                            BENDER               Not even close, bud!                            VERNON               Good!  You got one more, right               there!                            BENDER               Do you really think I give a shit?                            VERNON               Another...     Bender glares at him.                            VERNON               You through?                            BENDER               How many is that?                            BRIAN               That's seven including the one when               we first came in and you asked Mr.               Vernon here whether Barry Manilow               knew that he raided his closet.                            VERNON                    (to Bender)               Now it's eight...                    (to Brian)               You stay out of it!                            BRIAN               Excuse me, sir, it's seven!                            VERNON               Shut up, Peewee!                    (to Bender)               You're mine Bender...for two months               I gotcha!  I gotcha!                            BENDER               What can I say?  I'm thrilled!                            VERNON               Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you               want these people to believe.  You               know something, Bender?  You ought               to spend a little more time trying               to do something with yourself and a               little less time trying to impress               people.  You might be better off.                    (to everyone)               Alright, that's it!  I'm going to               be right outside those doors.  The               next time I hafta come in here...I'm               cracking skulls!  (Bender mouths “I’m               cracking skulls”)     Vernon leaves and closes the door.  A musical riff     builds to a climax as Bender screams.                            BENDER                    (screams)               Fuck you!     We see the clock, it reads a quarter to eight.     We see Bender, lighting his shoe on fire and lighting a     cigarette with his shoe.     We see Claire thinking.     We see Brian playing with his balls.     We see Andrew playing with his sweatshirt.     We see Allison pulling a string around her finger and     making it turn purple.     We see Bender put the flames on his shoe out.  He then     plays air guitar.     We see Allison drawing.     We see Andrew playing paper football.  He cheers     silently.     Allison shakes dandruff from her hair onto her picture.     We see everyone fall asleep.                                                  CUT TO: 13. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Later.     Vernon is standing there staring at the sleeping kids.                            VERNON               Wake up!  Who has to go to the               lavatory?     Everyone raises their hands.                                                  CUT TO: 14. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Later.     We see the clock, it now says 10:22.     We see Andrew stretching.  We see Bender tearing pages     out of a book.  He is tossing them around.                            ANDREW               That's real intelligent.                            BENDER               You're right...it's wrong to               destroy literature...     He continues to tear pages out.                            BENDER               It's such fun to read...and, Molet               really pumps my nads!                            CLAIRE                    (pronouncing it correctly)               Mol-yare.                            BRIAN              I love his work.     Bender tosses the rest of the pages at Brian.  He picks     up the card catalogue drawer and begins to take cards     out.                            BENDER               Big deal...nothing to do when you're               locked in a vacancy..                           ANDREW               Speak for yourself...                            BENDER               Do you think I'd speak for you?  I               don't even know your language!     Andrew turns to Claire.                            ANDREW               Hey, you grounded tonight?     Claire shrugs.                            CLAIRE               I don't know, my mom said I was but               by dad told me to just blow her off.                            ANDREW               Big party at Stubbies, parents are               in Europe.  Should be pretty wild...                            CLAIRE               Yeah?                            ANDREW               Yeah, can you go?                            CLAIRE               I doubt it...                            ANDREW               How come?                            CLAIRE               Well 'cause if I do what my mother               tells me not to do, it's because               because my father says it's okay.               There's like this whole big monster               deal, it's endless and it's a total               drag.  It's like any minute...               divorce...                            BENDER               Who do you like better?                            CLAIRE               What?                            BENDER               You like your old man better than               your mom?                            CLAIRE               They're both strict.                            BENDER               No, I mean, if you had to choose               between them.                            CLAIRE               I dunno, I'd probably go live with               my brother.  I mean, I don't think               either one of them gives a shit               about me...it's like they use me               just to get back at each other.     Suddenly, from the back of the room.  Allison speaks.                           ALLISON                    (loudly)               Ha!!!     Everyone looks at her shocked.  Allison blows her hair     out of her eyes and grins.                            CLAIRE               Shut up!                            ANDREW               You're just feeling sorry for               yourself...                            CLAIRE               Yeah, well if I didn't nobody else               would.                            ANDREW               Aw...you're breaking my heart...                            BENDER               Sporto...                            ANDREW               What?     Bender jumps down and goes next to Andrew.                            BENDER               You get along with your parents?                            ANDREW               Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot,               right?                            BENDER               You're an idiot anyway...But if you               say you get along with your parents               well you're a liar too!     Bender turns and walks away from him.  Andrew follows     and pushes Bender.                            ANDREW               You know something, man...If we               weren't in school right now, I'd               waste you!     Bender points his middle finger at the floor.                            BENDER               Can you hear this?  Want me to turn               it up?     Bender flips his hand around so he is now giving Andrew     the bird.     Brian comes over and puts a hand on each of the guy's     shoulders.                            BRIAN               Hey fellas, I mean...     Andrew pushes away from Brian.                            BRIAN               ...I don't like my parents either,               I don't...I don't get along with               them...their idea of parental               compassion is just, you know, wacko!     Bender turns to Brian.                            BENDER               Dork...                            BRIAN              Yeah?                            BENDER               You are a parent's wet dream, okay?     Bender starts to walk away.                            BRIAN               Well that's a problem!                            BENDER               Look, I can see you getting all               bunged up for them making you wear               these kinda clothes.  But face it,               you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie!               What would you be doing if you               weren't out making yourself a better               citizen?                            ANDREW               Why do you have to insult everybody?                            BENDER               I'm being honest, asshole!  I would               expect you...to know the difference!                            ANDREW               Yeah well, he's gotta name!                            BENDER               Yeah?                            ANDREW               Yeah,                    (to Brian)               What's your name?                            BRIAN               Brian...                            ANDREW               See...                            BENDER                    (to Brian)               My condolences...     Bender walks away.                            CLAIRE                    (to Bender)               What's your name?                            BENDER               What's yours?                            CLAIRE               Claire...                            BENDER               Ka-Laire?                            CLAIRE               Claire...it's a family name!                            BENDER               Nooo...It's a fat girl's name!                            CLAIRE               Well thank you...                            BENDER               You're welcome...                            CLAIRE               I'm not fat!                            BENDER               Well not at present but I could see               you really pushing maximum density!               You see, I'm not sure if you know               this...but there are two kinds of               fat people.  There's fat people that               were born to be fat, and then there's               fat people that were once thin but               they became fat...so when you look               at them you can sorta see that thin               person inside!  You see, you're               gonna get married, you're gonna               squeeze out a few puppies and then,               uh...     He mimes becoming fat, making noises.     Claire gives him the finger.                            BENDER               Oh...obscene finger gestures from               such a pristine girl!                            CLAIRE                    (resentfully)               I'm not that pristine!     Bender bends down closer to Claire.                            BENDER               Are you a virgin?                    (a beat)               I'll bet you a million dollars that               you are!  Let's end the suspense!               Is it gonna be...                    (another beat)               ...a white weddin?                            CLAIRE               Why don't you just shut up?                            BENDER               Have you ever kissed a boy on the               mouth?                    (a beat)               Have you ever been felt up?  Over               the bra, under the blouse, shoes               off...hoping to God your parents               don't walk in?     Claire is getting upset.                            CLAIRE               Do you want me to puke?                            BENDER               Over the panties, no bra, blouse               unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on               the front seat past eleven on a               school night?                            ANDREW               Leave her alone!     Bender slowly stands and faces Andrew.                            ANDREW               I said leave her alone!                            BENDER               You gonna make me?                            ANDREW               Yeah...     Bender walks over to where Andrew is standing.                            BENDER               You and how many of your friends?                            ANDREW               Just me, just you and me.  Two hits.               Me hitting you, you hitting the               floor!  Anytime you're ready, pal!     Bender goes to hit him but Andrew gets Bender down on     the ground with a wrestling move.                            BENDER               I don't wanna get into to this with               you man...     Andrew gets up.                            ANDREW               Why not?     Bender gets up.                            BENDER               'Cause I'd kill you...It's real simple.               I'd kill you and your fucking parents               would sue me and it would be a big               mess and I don't care enough about               you to bother.                            ANDREW               Chicken shit...     Andrew turns and walks away.  Bender takes out a     switchblade and opens it.     He stabs the switchblade into a chair.                            ANDREW               Let's end this right now.  You don't               talk to her...you don't look at her               and you don't even think about her!               You understand me?                            BENDER               I'm trying to help her!.     We see the janitor, CARL come into the room.                             CARL               Brian, how you doing?                            BENDER               Your dad works here?     Brian is embarrassed.                            BENDER               Uh, Carl?                             CARL               What?                            BENDER               Can I ask you a question?                             CARL               Sure...                            BENDER               How does one become a janitor?                             CARL               You wanna be a janitor?                            BENDER               No I just wanna know how one becomes               a janitor because Andrew here, is               very interested in persuing a               career in the custodial arts...                             CARL               Oh, really?  You guys think I'm               just some untouchable peasant?  Peon?               Huh?  Maybe so, but following               a broom around after shitheads like               you for the past eight years I've               learned a couple of things...I look               through your letters, I look through               your lockers...I listen to your               conversations, you don't know that               but I do...I am the eyes and ears of               this institution my friends.  By the               way, that clock's twenty minutes               fast!     Everyone groans.  Bender smiles.                            ANDREW               Shit!                                                  CUT TO: 15. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY     The clock says 11:30.  Vernon gets up and leaves.                                                  CUT TO: 16. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Bender starts to whistle a marching tune and everybody     joins in.     Vernon enters.  Bender begins to whistle Beethoven's     5th.                            VERNON               Allright girls, that's thirty               minutes for lunch...                            ANDREW               Here?                            VERNON               Here...                            ANDREW               Well I think the cafeteria would be               a more suitable place for us to eat               lunch in, sir!                            VERNON               Well, I don't care what you think,               Andrew!                            BENDER               Uh, Dick?  Excuse me, Rich...will               milk be made available to us?                            ANDREW               We're extremely thirsty sir...                            CLAIRE               I have a very low tolerance for               dehydration.                            ANDREW               I've seen her dehydrate sir, it's               pretty gross.     Bender stands.                            BENDER               Relax, I'll get it!                            VERNON               Ah, ah, ah grab some wood there, bub!     Bender grins.                            VERNON               What do you think, I was born               yesterday?  You think I'm gonna               have you roaming these halls?     He points at Andrew.                            VERNON               You!     He points at Allison.                            VERNON               And you!  Hey!  What's her name?               Wake her!  Wake her up!                    (to Allison)               Come on, on your feet missy!  Let's               go!  This is no rest home!     Allison gets up.                            VERNON               There's a soft drink machine in the               teacher's lounge.  Lets go!                                                  CUT TO: 16. INT. HALLWAY - DAY     Andrew and Allison are walking in the hall.                            ANDREW               So, what's your poison?     Allison doesn't answer.                            ANDREW               What do you drink?     Allison still doesn't answer.                            ANDREW               Okay...forget I asked...     Allison waits for two beats and then speaks.                           ALLISON               Vodka...                            ANDREW               Vodka?  When do you drink vodka?                           ALLISON               Whenever...                            ANDREW              A lot?     Allison smiles.                           ALLISON               Tons...                            ANDREW               Is that why you're here today?     Allison doesn't answer.                            ANDREW               Why are you here?     Allison snaps back.                           ALLISON               Why are you here?     They stop walking and Andrew leans against the wall.                            ANDREW               Um, I'm here today...because uh,               because my coach and my father don't               want me to blow my ride.  See I get               treated differently because uh,               Coach thinks I'm a winner.  So does               my old man.  I'm not a winner               because I wanna be one... I'm a               winner because I got strength and               speed.  Kinda like a race horse.               That's about how involved I am in               what's happening to me.                           ALLISON               Yeah?  That's very interesting.               Now why don't you tell me why you're               really in here.                            ANDREW               Forget it!                                                  CUT TO: 17. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Claire and Bender and Brian are all sitting around     waiting for the Cokes.                            BENDER               Claire...you wanna see a picture of               a guy with elephantitus of the nuts?               It's pretty tasty...                            CLAIRE               No thank you...                            BENDER               How do you think he rides a bike?     Claire rolls her eyes and turns away in disgust.                            BENDER               Oh, Claire...would you ever consider               dating a guy like this?                            CLAIRE               Can't you just leave me alone?                            BENDER               I mean if he had a great personality               and was a good dancer and had a cool               car...Although you'd probably have               to ride in the back seat 'cause his               nuts would ride shotgun.                            CLAIRE               You know what I wish I was doing?                            BENDER               Op, watch what you say, Brian here               is a cherry.                            BRIAN               A cherry?                            CLAIRE               I wish I was on a plane to France.                            BRIAN               I'm not a cherry.                            BENDER                    (to Brian)               When have you ever gotten laid?                            BRIAN               I've laid, lotsa times!                            BENDER               Name one!                            BRIAN               She lives in Canada, met her at               Niagra Falls.  You wouldn't know               her.                            BENDER               Ever laid anyone around here.     Brian shushes Bender and points at Claire whos back is     still turned.                            BRIAN                    Oh, you and Claire, did it!     Claire spins around.                            CLAIRE              What are you talking about?                            BRIAN                    (to Claire)               Nothin', nothin!                    (to Bender)               Let's just drop it, we'll talk about               it later!                            CLAIRE               No!  Drop what, what're you talking               about?                            BENDER               Well, Brian's trying to tell me that               in addition to the number of girls               in the Niagra Falls area, that               presently you and he are, riding               the hobby horse!                            CLAIRE                    (to Brian)               Little pig!                            BRIAN               No I'm not!  I'm not!  John said I               was a cherry and I said I wasn't,               that's it, that's all that was said!                            BENDER               Well then what were you motioning to               Claire for?                            CLAIRE               You know I don't appreciate this               very much, Brian.                            BRIAN               He is lying!                            BENDER               Oh you weren't motioning to Claire?                            BRIAN               You know he's lying, right?                            BENDER               Were you or were you not motioning               to Claire?                            BRIAN               Yeah, but it was only...was only               because I didn't want her to know               that I was a virgin, okay?     Bender just stares at him.                            BRIAN               Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm               sorry...     Claire laughs.                            CLAIRE               Why didn't you want me to know you               were a virgin?                            BRIAN               Because it's personal business, it's               my personal, private business.                            BENDER               Well Brian, it doesn't sound like               you're doing any business...                            CLAIRE               I think it's okay for a guy to be a               virgin...     Bender looks suprised.                            BRIAN               You do?     Claire smiles and nods.                                                  CUT TO: 18.  INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Later.     Everybody has lunches now.     Claire begins to take hers out of a small shopping bag.                            BENDER               What's in there?                            CLAIRE               Guess, where's your lunch?                            BENDER               You're wearing it...                            CLAIRE               You're nauseating...     Bender grabs a Coke and tosses it over to Allison who     catches it without even looking up.     Bender then watches Claire set up a sushi platter.                            BENDER               What's that?                            CLAIRE               Sushi...                            BENDER               Sushi?                            CLAIRE               Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed.                            BENDER               You won't accept a guys tongue in               your mouth and you're gonna eat               that?                            CLAIRE               Can I eat?                            BENDER               I don't know...give it a try...     We now watch Andrew take a couple sandwiches out of his     bag, a bag of potato chips, an apple, a banana, a bag     of cookies and a carton of milk.     Allison opens her Coke and it fizzes over.  She loudly     slurps it up off the table and her fingers.     Andrew sees Bender looking at him.                            ANDREW               What's your problem?     Allison opens her sandwich and and tosses the meat up.     It lands on the sculpture above.     She opens some pixie stix and pours the sugar on the     sandwich and then puts Cap'n Crunch on top of that.     She crushes the sandwich together and loudly eats it.     Bender goes over and sits by Brian, Bender takes     Brian's bag lunch.                            BENDER               What're we having?                            BRIAN               Uh, it's your standard, regular               lunch I guess...     Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos.  He     sets it on the table and points at it.                            BENDER               Milk?                            BRIAN               Soup.     Bender goes in again and pulls out a juice box.     Brian reaches toward the bag and Bender slaps his hand.                            BRIAN               That's apple juice...                            BENDER               I can read!  PB & J with the crusts               cut off...Well Brian, this is a               very nutritous lunch, all the food               groups are represented.  Did your               mom marry Mr. Rogers?                            BRIAN               Uh, no, Mr. Johnson...                            BENDER               Ahhh....     Andrew and Claire smile at each other.  Bender stands.                            BENDER               Here's my impression of life at big               Bri's house...                    (in a loud and friendly voice)               Son!                    (in a kiddie voice)               Yeah Dad?                    (loud)               How's your day, pal?                    (kiddie)               Great Dad, how's yours?                    (loud)               Super, say son, how'd you like to go               fishing this weekend?                    (kiddie)               Great Dad, but I've got homework to               do!                    (loud)               That's alright son, you can do it,               on the boat!                    (kiddie)               Geee!!!                    (loud)               Dear, isn't our son swell?                    (quiet and motherly)               Yes Dear, isn't life swell?     Bender mimes mother kissing father and then father     kissing mother and then father punching mother in the     face.     Suddenly it's not so funny anymore.                            ANDREW               Alright, what about your family?                            BENDER               Oh, mine?                            ANDREW               That's real easy!     Bender stands again and points forward.                            BENDER                    (as his father)               Stupid, worthless, no good, God               damned, freeloading, son of a bitch,               retarded, bigmouth, know it all,               asshole, jerk!                       (as his mother)               You forgot ugly, lazy and               disrespectful.     Bender slams his hand back to slap his invisable     mother.                            BENDER                    (as his father)               Shut up bitch!  Go fix me a turkey               pot pie!                    (as himself)               What about you Dad?                    (as his father)               Fuck you!                    (as himself)               No, Dad, what about you?                    (as his father)               Fuck you!                    (as himself--yelling)               No, Dad, what about you?                    (as his father--yelling)               Fuck you!     He reaches out and pretend he's his father hitting him.                            BRIAN               Is that for real?                            BENDER                    (to Brian)               You wanna come over sometime?                            ANDREW               That's bullshit.  It's all part of               your image, I don't believe a word               of it.     Bender actually looks hurt.                     BENDER               You don't believe me?                            ANDREW               No...                            BENDER               No?                            ANDREW               Did I stutter?     Bender comes over to Andrew and rolls up his right     sleeve to reveal a circular shaped burn.                            BENDER               Do you believe this?  Huh?  It's               about the size of a cigar...Do I               stutter?  You see, this is what you               get in my house when you spill paint               in the garage.     Bender begins to walk away.                            BENDER               See I don't think that I need to               sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore!     Bender walks over to a map table and throws all the     maps on the floor.  He climbs up on top of the table and     then up to the second floor balcony.                            CLAIRE                    (to Andrew)               You shouldn't have said that!                            ANDREW               How would I know, I mean he lies               about everything anyway!                                                 CUT TO: 19. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY     Vernon puts an orange in his mouth and then attempts to     pour coffee out of his thermos.  The top comes off and     the coffee goes all over his desk.                            VERNON               Oh, shit!                                                  CUT TO: 20. INT. HALLWAY - DAY     Vernon walks into the hallway, talking to himself.                            VERNON               Coffee...looks like they scrape it               off the bottom of the Mississippi               river.  Everything's polluted,               everything's polluted...the coffee.     Bender comes out of the library doors followed     bye veryone else.     Bender and Claire are walking next to each other.     Brian and Andrew are walking next to each other and at the     end of the line, Allison is following.                            CLAIRE                    (to Bender)               How do you know where Vernon went?                            BENDER               I don't...                            CLAIRE               Well then, how do you know when he'll               be back?                            BENDER               I don't...being bad feels pretty               good, huh?                            BRIAN                    (to Andrew)               What's the point in going to Bender's               locker?                            ANDREW               Beats me...                            BRIAN               This is so stupid...Why do you think,               why are we risking getting caught?                            ANDREW               I dunno...                            BRIAN               So then what are we doing?                            ANDREW               You ask me one more question and I'm               beating the shit out of you!                            BRIAN               Sorry...     Bender opens his locker.                            ANDREW               Slob!                            BENDER               My maid's on vacation.     Bender pulls out a bag of marijuana.                            BRIAN               Drugs...                            ANDREW              Screw that Bender...put it back!     Bender walks away.                         BRIAN               Drugs...the boy had marijuana.     Claire walks after Bender.                            BRIAN               That was marijuana!                            ANDREW               Shut up!     Andrew follows the other two.  Brian looks at Allison     who is standing there with her mouth open.                            BRIAN               Do you approve of this?     Brian turns and leaves.  Allison steals the lock off of     Bender's locker.     We see the crowd walking down the hall.                            BENDER               We'll cross through the lab, and               then we'll double back.                            ANDREW               You better be right, if Vernon cuts               us off it's your fault, asshole!                            BRIAN                    (to Claire)               What'd he say?  Where're we going?     They see Vernon down one of the halls.  We have various     sequences of them running around and seeing Vernon     until they stop.                            BENDER               Wait!  Wait, hold it!  Hold it!  We               have to go through the cafeteria!                            ANDREW               No, the activities hall.                            BENDER               Hey man, you don't know what you're               talking about!                            ANDREW               No you don't know what you're               talking about!     Allison squeaks.                            ANDREW               Now we're through listening to you,               we're going this way.     They all go Andrew's way and run into a hall closed by     an iron gate.                            ANDREW               Shit!                            BENDER               Great idea Jagoff!                            ANDREW               Fuck you!                            CLAIRE                    (to Andrew)               Fuck you!  Why didn't you listen to               John?                            BRIAN               We're dead!                            BENDER               No, just me!                            BRIAN               What do you mean?                            BENDER               Get back to the library, keep your               unit on this!     Bender puts his bag of marijuana into Brian's     underwear.     Bender runs away singing loudly.  “I wanna be an     airborne ranger...”     We see Vernon hear Bender.     The rest of them run.                            VERNON               That son of a bitch!     We see Vernon looking for Bender until he finds him in     the gym.     Bender is going up for a basket.                            BENDER               Three...two...one!     He dunks the ball.  Vernon enters.                            VERNON               Bender!  Bender!  Bender!  What is               this?  What are you doing here, what               is this?                            BENDER               Oh, hi!                            VERNON               Out!  That's it Bender!  Out, it's               over!                            BENDER               Don't you wanna hear my excuse?                            VERNON               Out!                            BENDER               I'm thinking of trying out for a               scholarship.                            VERNON               Gimmie the ball, Bender.     Bender fakes the ball at Vernon.  He then sets the ball     down and rolls it at Vernon who kicks it back at him.     They leave.                                                  CUT TO: 21. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     The rest of the kids are all sitting back in their     seats when Bender and Vernon enter.  Vernon pushes Bender.                            VERNON               Get your stuff, let's go!                    (to everyone)               Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon               himself to go to the gymnasium.  I'm               sorry to inform you, you're going to               be without his services for the rest               of the day.                            BENDER                    (to Vernon)               B-O-O H-O-O!                            VERNON               Everything's a big joke, huh Bender?               The false alarm you pulled, Friday,               false alarms are really funny,               aren't they...What if your home,               what if your family...                    (a beat)               ...what if your dope was on fire?                            BENDER               Impossible, sir...It's in Johnson's               underwear...     Andrew laughs.                            VERNON                    (to Andrew)               You think he's funny?  You think               this is cute?  You think he's               bitchin', is that it?  Lemme tell               you something.  Look at him, he's a               bum.                    (to everybody)               You wanna see something funny?  You               go visit John Bender in five years!               You'll see how God damned funny he               is!                    (to Bender)               What's the matter, John?  You gonna               cry?  Let's go...     Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder.                            BENDER               Hey keep your fuckin' hands off me!               I expect better manners from you,               Dick!     Bender takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and lays     them in front of Andrew.                            BENDER               For better hallway vision!     Bender leaves but not before pushing stuff over on the     way.                                                  CUT TO: 21. INT. CLOSET - DAY     Vernon has put Bender in a closet and is in there     talking to him.                            VERNON               That's the last time, Bender.  That's               the last time you ever make me look               bad in front of those kids, do you               hear me?  I make $31,000 dollars a               year and I have a home and I'm not               about to throw it away on some punk               like you...But someday, man, someday.               When you're outta here and you've               forgotten all about this place...               And they've forgotten all about you               and you're wrapped up in your own               pathetic life...I'm gonna be there.               That's right.  And I'm gonna kick               the living shit out of you, man, I'm               gonna knock your dick in the dirt!                            BENDER               Are you threatening me?                            VERNON               What're you gonna do about it?  You               think anybody's gonna believe you?               You think anybody's gonna take your               word over mine?  I'm a man of               respect around here.  They love me               around here, I'm a swell guy...you're               a lying sack of shit!  And everybody               knows it.  Oh, you're a real tough               guy...come on, come on...get on your               feet, pal!  Let's find out how               tough you are!  I wanna know right               now, how tough you are!  Come on!               I'll give you the first punch, let's               go!  Come on, right here, just take               the first shot!  Please, I'm begging               you, take a shot!  Come on, just               take one shot, that's all I need,               just one swing...     Bender just sits there staring at Vernon.  Vernon fakes     a punch and Bender flinches.                            VERNON               That's what I though...you're a               gutless turd!     Vernon leaves and locks the closet door after him.     Bender climbs into a hatch in the ceiling and     disappears.                                                 CUT TO: 22. INT. HEATING DUCT - DAY     Bender is slowly crawling through a heating duct.                            BENDER                    (to himself)               A naked blond walks into a bar, with               a poodle under one arm and a two               foot salami under the other.  She               lays the poodle on the table.  Bar-               tender says: "I suppose you won't               be needing a drink."  The naked               lady says...     The ceiling under Bender gives and he falls through.                            BENDER                    (screaming)               Oh shit!!!!                                                  CUT TO: 23. INT. FACILTY BATHROOM - DAY     We see the door to the bathroom.  We hear Vernon     inside.                         VERNON (OS)               Jesus Christ, allmighty!                                                  CUT TO 24. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Bender walks down the stairs.                            BENDER               I forgot my pencil...     We hear Vernon in the hall.                         VERNON (OS)               God damnit!  What in God's name is               going on in here?     Vernon enters.                            VERNON              What was that ruckus?                            ANDREW               Uh, what ruckus?                            VERNON               I was just in my office and I heard               a ruckus!                            BRIAN               Could you describe the ruckus, sir?                            VERNON               Watch your tongue young man, watch               it!     We see Bender under the table by Claire's legs.  He     sits up and bangs his head on the table.  He groans.     Above the table, Andrew and Claire try to take credit     for the noise by making more noise.                            VERNON               What is that?  What, what is that,               what is that noise?     Under the table, Bender looks between Claire's legs and     can see her panties.  He puts his head between Claire's     legs.                            ANDREW               What noise?                            CLAIRE               Really, sir, there wasn't any noise...     Claire squeels.  She squeezes Bender's head between her     knees.     Everyone starts faking a coughing fit.                            CLAIRE                    (flustered)               That noise?  Was that the noise you               were talking about?                            VERNON               No, it wasn't.  That was not the               noise I was talking about.  Now, I               may not have caught you in the act               this time, but you can bet I will.     Allison laughs at Vernon.                            VERNON               You make book on that missy!                    (to Claire)               And you!  I will not be made a fool               of!     He turns and walks away.  We see that he still has the     toilet seat cover stuck to his pants.     Vernon leaves.     Everyone laughs except Claire who lets Bender out to a     barage of slaps.                            BENDER               It was an accident!                           CLAIRE               You're an asshole!                            BENDER               So sue me...     Bender gets up and walks over to Brian.                            BENDER               So, Ahab...Kybo Mein Doobage...     Brian gives Bender his bag of marajuana.  Bender turns     and walks away.                            ANDREW               Yo waistoid...you're not gonna blaze               up in here!     Claire gets up and goes after him.  Then Brian.                            ANDREW               Shit...     Andrew goes.                                                  CUT TO: 25. INT. STAIRS - DAY     We see Vernon go down the stairs.                                                  CUT TO: 26. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Brian, Bender and Claire are sitting in a circle and     laughing hysterically.     Bender lights Claire up and she coughs the smoke out.     Brian laughs at her.  He exhales and tries to eat the     smoke.  He talks in a really weird voice.                            BRIAN               Chicks, cannot hold der smoke!  That's               what it is!                            CLAIRE               Do you know how popular I am?  I'm               so popular, everybody loves me so               much, at this school...                            BENDER               Poor baby.     Brian waves Claire over to him and he falls over.     We see Andrew emerge from a really smokey room.  He     inhales another puff and then starts dancing to     everybody's applause.     He goes back in the room he was in.  He screams and it     shatters the glass in the door.                                                  CUT TO: 27. INT. BASEMENT - DAY     Vernon is glancing through the confidential files in the     school basement.                            VERNON                    (to himself)               Mister, oh mister Tearney...a               history of slight mental illness?               Wooh, no wonder he's so fucked up!     Carl enters.                             CARL               Afternoon, Dick...                            VERNON               Hey Carl, how you doin'?                             CARL               Good...                            VERNON               Good, what's up?                             CARL               Not much, what's happening, what               are you doing in the basement files?                            VERNON               Oh, nothin' nothin' here.  I'm just               doin' a little homework here...                             CARL               Homework, huh?                            VERNON               Yeah...     Carl, laughing, comes over and looks at the files that     Vernon was looking at.                             CARL               Confidential files...hmmm?                            VERNON               Look, Carl...this is a highly               sensitive area and I, I tell you               something...certain people would be               very very embarrassed.  I would really               appreciate it if if if if this would               be something that, that you and I               could keep between us...                             CARL               What're you gonna do for me, man?                            VERNON               Well, well what would you like?                             CARL               Got fifty bucks?                            VERNON               What?                             CARL               Fifty bucks...                                                  CUT TO: 28. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     We see Andrew and Brian laughing.  Allison is hanging     out over by the statue in the back of the library.                            ANDREW               No no man, no; you got a middle               name?                            BRIAN               Yeah, guess...     Allison suddenly takes interest in the conversation and     as she speaks, she moves over and sits next to the two.                           ALLISON               Your middle name is Ralph, as in               puke...     Brian and Andrew look at her in confusion.                           ALLISON               ...your birthday is March 12th,               you're five-nine and a half you               weigh a hundred and thirty pounds               and your social security number is               0-4-9-3-8-0-9-1                    (a beat)               3.     Andrew is impressed.                            ANDREW               Wow!  Are you psychic?                           ALLISON               No...                            BRIAN               Well would you mind telling me how               you know all this about me?     Allison reaches in her bag.                           ALLISON               I stole your wallet...     She produces it in her hands and grins.                            BRIAN               Give it to me...                           ALLISON               No...                            BRIAN               Give it!     Allison reluctantly hands over the wallet and Brian     glances through it to make sure nothing is missing.                            BRIAN               This is great...you're a thief too!               Huh?                           ALLISON               I'm not a thief!                            BRIAN               Multi-talented!                           ALLISON               What's there to steal?  Two bucks               and a beaver shot!                            ANDREW               A what?                          ALLISON               He's got a nudie picture in there!               I saw it, it's perverted!                            ANDREW               Alright, let's see it!     We see Bender, he is brushing his teeth with one of     Claire's cosmetic brushes.     We see Claire looking through Bender's wallet pictures.                            CLAIRE               Are all these your girlfriends?                            BENDER               Some of them...                            CLAIRE               What about the others?                            BENDER               Well, some I consider my girlfriends               and some...I just consider...                            CLAIRE               Consider what?                            BENDER               Whether or not, I wanna hang out               with them...                            CLAIRE               You don't believe in just one guy,               one girl?                            BENDER               Do you?                            CLAIRE               Yeah...that's the way it should be.                            BENDER               Well, not for me...                            CLAIRE               Why not?     Bender clearly doesn't want to answer that.  He acts     defensive.                            BENDER               How come you got so much shit in               your purse?                            CLAIRE               How come you got so many               girlfriends?                            BENDER               I asked you first...                            CLAIRE                    (shrugs)               I dunno...I guess I never throw               anything away.                            BENDER               Neither do I...                            CLAIRE               Oh...     We cut back to where Andrew, Brian and Allison are     sitting, Andrew is looking through Brian's wallet.                            ANDREW               This is the worst fake ID I've ever               seen...     Brian laughs.                            ANDREW               Do you realize you made yourself               sixty eight?                            BRIAN               Oh, I know...I know, I goofed it...                            ANDREW               What do you need a fake ID for?                            BRIAN                    (like it's obvious)               So I can vote!     Allison looks up suddenly.                           ALLISON               You wanna see what's in my bag?                        BRIAN & ANDREW               No!     Allison looks hurt and then resentful.  Just to spite     them, she dumps the contents of her bag onto the couch.     Lots of stuff comes out.                            ANDREW               Holy shit!  What is all that stuff?                            BRIAN               Do you always carry this much shit               in your bag?                           ALLISON               Yeah...I always carry this much shit               ...in my bag...You never know when               you may have to jam...                            BRIAN               Are you gonna be like a shopping               bag lady?  You know like, sit in               alleyways and like talk to buildings               and wear men's shoes and that kinda               thing?                           ALLISON               I'll do what I have to do...                            BRIAN               Why do you have to do anything?                           ALLISON                    (with feeling)               My home life is un...satisfying...                            BRIAN               So you're saying you'd subject               yourself to the violent dangers of               the Chicago streets because your               homelife is unsatisfying?                           ALLISON               I don't have to run away and live               in the street...I can run away and,               go to the ocean, I can go to the               country, I can go to the mountains.               I can go to Israel, Africa,               Afghanistan...     Brian looks at her and then moves over to Andrew.                            BRIAN               Andy...you wanna get in on this?               Allison here says, she wants to run               away, because her home life is               unsatisfying...                            ANDREW               Well everyone's home lives are un-               satisfying...If it wasn't, people               would live with there parents               forever...                            BRIAN               Yeah, yeah I understand.  But I               think that her's goes beyond, you               know, what guys like you and me...               consider normal unsatisfying...                           ALLISON               Nevermind...forget it, everything's               cool!     Allison starts putting everything back in her purse.                            ANDREW               What's the deal?                           ALLISON               No!  There's no deal, Sporto.               Forget it, leave me alone.                            ANDREW               Wait a minute, now you're carrying               all that crap around in your purse.               Either you really wanna run away or               you want people to think you wanna               run away.                           ALLISON               Eat shit!     Allison gets up and walks away.                            BRIAN               The girl is an island, with herself.               Okay?     Andrew gets up and goes after her.                            ANDREW               Hi, you wanna talk?                           ALLISON               No!                            ANDREW               Why not?                           ALLISON               Go away...                            ANDREW               Where do you want me to go?                           ALLISON               GO away!     Andrew turns away and Allison starts to cry.                           ALLISON               You have problems...                            ANDREW               Oh, I have problems?                           ALLISON               You do everything everybody ever               tells you to do, that is a problem!                            ANDREW               Okay, fine...but I didn't dump my               purse out on the couch and invite               people into my problems...Did I?               So what's wrong?  What is it?  Is               is bad?  Real bad?  Parents?     Allison is silently crying.                           ALLISON               Yeah...     Andrew nods.                            ANDREW               What do they do to you?                           ALLISON              They ignore me...                            ANDREW               Yeah...yeah...     They both are crying silently.                                                  CUT TO: 29. INT. BASEMENT - DAY     Vernon and Carl are sitting talking.                            VERNON               What did you want to be when you               were young?                             CARL               When I was a kid, I wanted to be               John Lennon...                            VERNON               Carl don't be a goof!  I'm trying               to make a serious point here...I've               been teaching, for twenty two years,               and each year...these kids get more               and more arrogant.                             CARL               Aw bull shit, man.  Come on Vern,               the kids haven't changed, you have!               You took a teaching position, 'cause               you thought it'd be fun, right?               Thought you could have summer               vacations off...and then you found               out it was actually work...and that               really bummed you out.                            VERNON               These kids turned on me...they think               I'm a big fuckin' joke...                             CARL               Come on...listen Vern, if you were               sixteen, what would you think of               you, huh?                            VERNON               Hey...Carl, you think I give one               rat's ass what these kids think of               me?                             CARL               Yes I do...                            VERNON               You think about this...when you get               old, these kids; when I get old,               they're gonna be runnin' the country.                             CARL               Yeah?                            VERNON               Now this is the thought that wakes               me up in the middle of the night...               That when I get older, these kids               are gonna take care of me...                             CARL               I wouldn't count on it!     Vernon ponders that statement for a moment.                                                  CUT TO: 30. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     They are sitting on the floor in a circle.                            ANDREW               What would I do for a million bucks?               Well, I guess I'd do as little as I               had to...                            CLAIRE               That's boring...                            ANDREW               Well, how'm I s'posed to answer?                            CLAIRE               The idea is to like search your mind               for the absolute limit.  Like, uh,               would you drive to school naked?     Andrew laughs.                            ANDREW               Um, uh...would I have to get out of               the car?                            CLAIRE               Of course...                            ANDREW               In the spring, or winter?                            CLAIRE               It doesn't matter...spring...                            ANDREW               In front of the school or in back               of the school?                            CLAIRE               Either one...                            ANDREW               Yes...                           ALLISON               I'd do that!     They all look at her.                           ALLISON               I'll do anything sexual, I don't               need a million dollars to do it               either...                            CLAIRE               You're lying...                           ALLISON               I already have...I've done just               about everything there is except a               few things that are illegal...I'm a               nymphomaniac!     Claire rolls her eyes.                            CLAIRE               Lie...                            BRIAN               Are your parents aware of this?                           ALLISON               The only person I told was my               shrink...                            ANDREW               And what'd he do when you told him?                           ALLISON               He nailed me...                            CLAIRE               Very nice...                           ALLISON               I don't think that from a legal               standpoint what he did can be               construed as rape since I paid him.                            CLAIRE               He's an adult!     Allison is relishing this attention.                           ALLISON               Yeah...he's married too!     Claire notes her disgust.                            CLAIRE               Do you have any idea how completely               gross that is?                           ALLISON               Well, the first few times...                            CLAIRE               First few times?  You mean he did it               more than once?                           ALLISON               Sure...                            CLAIRE               Are you crazy?                            BRIAN               Obviously she's crazy if she's               screwing her shrink...                           ALLISON                    (to Claire)               Have you ever done it?                            CLAIRE               I don't even have a psychiatrist...                           ALLISON               Have you ever done it with a normal               person?                            CLAIRE               Now, didn't we already cover this?                            BENDER               You never answered the question...                            CLAIRE               Look, I'm not gonna discuss my               private life with total strangers.                           ALLISON               It's kind of a double-edged sword,               isn't it?                            CLAIRE               A what?                           ALLISON               Well, if you say you haven't...               you're a prude.  If you say you               have...you're a slut!  It's a trap.               You want to but you can't but when               you do you wish you didn't, right?                            CLAIRE               Wrong...                           ALLISON               Or, are you a tease?                            ANDREW               She's a tease...                            CLAIRE               Oh why don't you just forget it...                            ANDREW               You're a tease and you know it, all               girls are teases!                            BENDER                    (to Andrew)               She's only a tease if what she does               gets you hot...                            CLAIRE               I don't do anything!                           ALLISON               That's why you're a tease...                            CLAIRE               Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.     Allison is suddenly defensive.                           ALLISON               I've already told you everything!                            CLAIRE               No!  Doesn't it bother you to sleep               around without being in love.  I               mean don't you want any respect?                           ALLISON               I don't screw to get respect...That's               the difference between you and me...                            CLAIRE               Not the only difference, I hope.                            BENDER               Face it, you're a tease.                            CLAIRE               I'm not a tease!                            BENDER               Sure you are!  You said it yourself               sex is a weapon, you use it to get               respect!                            CLAIRE               No, I never said that, she twisted               my words around.                            BENDER               Oh then what do you use it for?                            CLAIRE               I don't use it period!     Claire is on the verge of tears.                            BENDER               Oh, are you medically frigid or is               it psychological?                            CLAIRE               I didn't mean it that way!  You guys               are putting words into my mouth!                            BENDER               Well if you'd just answer the               question...                            BRIAN               Why don't you just answer the               question?                            ANDREW               Be honest...                            BENDER               No big deal...                            BRIAN               Yeah, answer it!                            ANDREW               Answer the question, Claire!                            BENDER               Talk to us!                       ANDREW & BRIAN               Come on, answer the question!                            BENDER               It's easy, it's only one question!     Claire silences all of them by screaming.                            CLAIRE                    (screaming)               No!  I never did it!     Silence for two beats.                           ALLISON               I never did it either, I'm not a               nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive               liar...                            CLAIRE               You are such a bitch!  You did that               on purpose just to fuck me over!                           ALLISON               I would do it though...If you love               someone it's okay...                            CLAIRE               I can't believe you, you're so               weird.  You don't say anything all               day and then when you open your               mouth...you unload all these               tremendous lies all over me!                            ANDREW               You're just pissed off because she               got you to admit something you didn't               want to admit to...                            CLAIRE               Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it               any less bizarre...                            ANDREW               What's bizarre?  I mean we're all               pretty bizarre!  Some of us are just               better at hiding it, that's all.                            CLAIRE                    (to Andrew)               How are you bizarre?     Allison decides to field that question.                           ALLISON               He can't think for himself...                            ANDREW               She's right...do you guys know what,               uh, what I did to get in here?  I               taped Larry Lester's buns together.     Claire laughs.                            BRIAN                    (to Andrew)               That was you?                           ANDREW                    (to Brian)               Yeah, you know him?                            BRIAN               Yeah, I know him...                            ANDREW               Well then you know how hairy he is,               right?  Well, when they pulled the               tape off, most of his hair came off               and some, some skin too...                            CLAIRE               Oh my God...                            ANDREW               And the bizarre thing is, is that               I did it for my old man...I               tortured this poor kid, because I               wanted him to think that I was cool.               He's always going off about, you               know, when he was in school...all               the wild things he used to do.  And               I got the feeling that he was               disappointed that I never cut loose               on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm               sitting in the locker room, and I'm               taping up my knee.  And Larry's               undressing a couple lockers down               from me.  Yeah...he's kinda...               he's kinda skinny, weak.  And I               started thinking about my father,               and his attitude about weakness.               And the next thing I knew, I uh, I               jumped on top of him and started               wailing on him...And my friends,               they just laughed and cheered me on.               And afterwards, when I was sittin'               in Vernon's office, all I could               think about was Larry's father. And               Larry havin' to go home and...and               explain what happened to him.  And               the humiliation...fucking               humiliation he mustuv felt.  It               mustuv been unreal...I mean,                    (he's crying)               I mean, how do you apologize for               something like that?  There's no               way...it's all because of me and               my old man.  Oh God, I fucking hate               him!  He's like this...he's like               this mindless machine that I can't               even relate to anymore..."Andrew,               you've got to be number one!  I               won't tolerate any losers in this               family...Your intensity is for shit!               Win.  Win!  WIN!!!"  You son of a               bitch!  You know, sometimes, I wish               my knee would give...and I wouldn't               be able to wrestle anymore.  And he               could forget all about me...                            BENDER               I think your old man and my old man               should get together and go bowling.     Andrew laughs briefly.                            BRIAN               It's like me, you know, with my               grades...like, when I, when I               step outside myself kinda, and               when I, when I look in at myself               you know?  And I see me and I don't               like what I see, I really don't.                            CLAIRE               What's wrong with you?  Why don't               you like yourself?                            BRIAN               'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing               shop.  See we had this assignment,               to make this ceramic elephant, and               um...and we had eight weeks to do               it and we're s'posed ta, and it was               like a lamp, and when you pull the               trunk the light was s'posed to go               on...my light didn't go on, I got a               F on it.  Never got a F in my life...               When I signed up, you know, for the               course I mean.  I thought I was               playing it real smart, you know.               'Cause I thought, I'll take shop,               it'll be such an easy way to               maintain my grade point average...                            BENDER               Why'd you think it'd be easy?                            BRIAN               Have you seen some of the dopes that               take shop?                            BENDER               I take shop...you must be a fuckin'               idiot!                            BRIAN               I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't               make a lamp?                            BENDER               No, you're a genius because you               can't make a lamp...                            BRIAN               What do you know about Trigonometry?                            BENDER               I could care less about               Trigonometry...                            BRIAN               Bender, did you know without               Trigonometry there'd be no               engineering?                            BENDER               Without lamps, there'd be no light!                            CLAIRE              Okay so neither one of you is any               better than the other one...     Allison feels left out.                           ALLISON               I can write with my toes!  I can               also eat, brush my teeth...                            CLAIRE               With your feet?                           ALLISON               ...play Heart & Soul on the piano.                            BRIAN               I can make spaghetti!                            CLAIRE                    (to Andrew)               What can you do?                            ANDREW               I can...uh...tape all your buns               together...                            BENDER               I wanna see what Claire can do!                            CLAIRE               I can't do anything.                            BENDER               Now, everybody can do something...                            CLAIRE               There's one thing I can do, no               forget it, it's way too embarrassing.                            BENDER               You ever seen Wild Kingdom?  I mean               that guy's been doing that show for               thirty years.                            CLAIRE               Okay, but you have to swear to God               you won't laugh...I can't believe               I'm actually doing this...     Claire takes lipstick out and opens it.  She places it     between her breasts and applies it from her cleavage.     When she lifts her head, her lipstick is perfect.      Everyone claps.  Bender's clap is sarcastic and slow.                            ANDREW               All right, great!  Where'd you learn               to do that?                            CLAIRE               Camp, seventh grade...                            BENDER               That was great, Claire...my image of               you is totally blown...                           ALLISON               You're a shit!  Don't do that to her               you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!                            BENDER               Am I laughing?                            ANDREW               You fucking prick!     Bender turns to Andrew.  As he speaks, we can see his     words hitting home.                            BENDER               What do you care what I think,               anyway?  I don't even count, right?               I could disappear forever and it               wouldn't make any difference...I may               as well not even exist at this               school, remember?                    (he turns to Claire)               And you...don't like me anyway!                            CLAIRE               You know, I have just as many               feelings as you do and it hurts               just as much when somebody steps               all over them!                            BENDER               God, you're so pathetic!                    (furious)               Don't you ever...ever!  Compare               yourself to me!  Okay?  You got               everything, and I got shit!  Fuckin'               Rapunzel, right?  School would               probably fucking shut down if you               didn't show up!  "Queenie isn't               here!"  I like those earrings Claire.                            CLAIRE                    (quietly)               Shut up...                            BENDER               Are those real diamonds, Claire?                            CLAIRE                    (angry)               Shut up!                    BENDER                       CLAIRE          I bet they are...did you          work, for the money               Shut...          for those earrings?                   Your mouth!                            BENDER               Or did your daddy buy those?                            CLAIRE                    (furious)               Shut up!     Claire starts crying.                            BENDER               I bet he bought those for you!  I               bet those are a Christmas gift!               Right?  You know what I got for               Christmas this year?  It was a               banner fuckin' year at the old               Bender family!  I got a carton of               cigarettes.  The old man grabbed me               and said "Hey!  Smoke up Johnny!"               Okay, so go home'n cry to your               daddy, don't cry here, okay?     There are a few beats.                            ANDREW               My God, are we gonna be like our               parents?                            CLAIRE               Not me...ever...                           ALLISON               It's unavoidable, it just happens.                            CLAIRE               What happens?                           ALLISON               When you grow up, your heart dies.                            BENDER               Who cares?     Allison is on the verge of tears herself.                           ALLISON               I care...                            BRIAN               Um, I was just thinking, I mean.  I               know it's kind of a weird time, but               I was just wondering, um, what is               gonna happen to us on Monday?  When               we're all together again?  I mean I               consider you guys my friends, I'm               not wrong, am I?                            ANDREW               No...                            BRIAN               So, so on Monday...what happens?                            CLAIRE               Are we still friends, you mean?               If we're friends now, that is?                            BRIAN               Yeah...                            CLAIRE               Do you want the truth?                            BRIAN               Yeah, I want the truth...                            CLAIRE               I don't think so...                           ALLISON               Well, do you mean all of us or just               John?                            CLAIRE               With all of you...                            ANDREW               That's a real nice attitude, Claire!                            CLAIRE               Oh, be honest, Andy...if Brian came               walking up to you in the hall on               Monday, what would you do?  I mean               picture this, you're there with all               the sports.  I know exactly what               you'd do, you'd say hi to him and               when he left you'd cut him all up               so your friends wouldn't think you               really liked him!                            ANDREW               No way!                           ALLISON               'Kay, what if I came up to you?                            CLAIRE               Same exact thing!                            BENDER                    (furious and screaming at Claire)               You are a bitch!                            CLAIRE               Why?  'Cause I'm telling the truth,               that makes me a bitch?                            BENDER               No!  'Cause you know how shitty that               is to do to someone!  And you don't               got the balls to stand up to your               friends and tell 'em that you're               gonna like who you wanna like!                            CLAIRE               Okay, what about you, you hypocrite!               Why don't you take Allison to one of               your heavy metal vomit parties?  Or               take Brian out to the parking lot at               lunch to get high?  What about Andy               for that matter, what about me?               What would your friends say if we               were walking down the hall together.               They'd laugh their asses off and               you'd probably tell them you were               doing it with me so they'd forgive               you for being seen with me.                            BENDER                    (furious once again)               Don't you ever talk about my               friends!  You don't know any of my               friends, you don't look at any of my               friends and you certainly wouldn't               condescend to speak to any of my               friends so you just stick to the               things you know, shopping, nail               polish, your father's BMW and your               poor--rich--drunk mother in the               Carribean!                            CLAIRE                    (furious and sobbing)               Shut up!                            BENDER               And as far as being concerned about               what's gonna happen when you and I               walk down the hallways at school,               you can forget it!  'Cause it's never               gonna happen!  Just bury your head               in the sand...and wait for your               fuckin' prom!                            CLAIRE               I hate you!                            BENDER               Yeah?  Good!     There is silence until Brian speaks.                            BRIAN               Then I assume Allison and I are               better people than you guys, huh?               Us weirdos...                    (to Allison)               Do you, would you do that to me?                           ALLISON     ��         I don't have any friends...                            BRIAN               Well if you did?                           ALLISON               No...I don't think the kind of               friends I'd have would mind...                            BRIAN               I just wanna tell, each of you,               that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't               and I will not!  'Cause I think that's               real shitty...                            CLAIRE               Your friends wouldn't mind because               they look up to us...     Brian laughs at her.                            BRIAN               You're so conceited, Claire.  You're               so conceited.  You're so, like, full               of yourself, why are you like that?                            CLAIRE                    (crying again)               I'm not saying that to be conceited!               I hate it!  I hate having to go               along with everything my friends say!                            BRIAN               Well then why do you do it?                            CLAIRE               I don't know, I don't...you don't               understand..you don't.  You're not               friends with the same kind of people               that Andy and I are friends with!               You know, you just don't understand               the pressure that they can put on               you!     Brian is shocked.                            BRIAN               I don't understand what?  You think               I don't understand pressure, Claire?               Well fuck you!  Fuck you!     Brian hides his head in his arm because he is crying.                            BRIAN               Know why I'm here today?  Do you?               I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a               gun in the locker...                            ANDREW               Why'd you have a gun in your locker?                            BRIAN               I tried.  You pull the fuckin' trunk               on it and the light's s'posed to go               on...and it didn't go on, I mean,               I...                            ANDREW               What's the gun for Brian?                            BRIAN               Just forget it...                            ANDREW               You brought it up, man!                            BRIAN               I can't have an F, I can't have it               and I know my parents can't have it!               Even if I aced the rest of the               semester, I'm still only a B.  And               everything's ruined for me!                            CLAIRE                    (with pity)               Oh Brian...     Brian bashes a chair over.                            BRIAN               So I considered my options, you               know?                            CLAIRE               No!  Killing yourself is not an               option!                            BRIAN               Well I didn't do it, did I?  No, I               don't think so!                           ALLISON               It was a hand gun?                            BRIAN               No, it was a flare gun, went off               in my locker.                            ANDREW               Really?     Andrew starts to laugh.                            BRIAN               It's not funny...     They all start to laugh, including Brian.                            BRIAN               Yes it is...fuckin' elephant was               destroyed!                           ALLISON               You wanna know what I did to get in               here?  Nothing...I didn't have               anything better to do.     Everyone laughs.                           ALLISON               You're laughing at me...                            ANDREW               No!     Allison starts to laugh too.                           ALLISON               Yeah you are!                                                  CUT TO: 31. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Later.     We see Brian putting a record on and then music starts.     We see them all dancing.  This goes on for the duration     of the song.                                                  CUT TO: 32. INT. HEATING DUCT - DAY     We see Bender crawling back through the heating duct.                                                  CUT TO: 33. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Andrew, Allison, Claire and Brian are sitting, in that     order on the railing.                            CLAIRE               Brian?                            BRIAN               Yeah?                            CLAIRE               Are you gonna write your paper?                            BRIAN               Yeah, why?                            CLAIRE               Well, it's kinda a waste for all of               us to write our paper, don't you               think?                            BRIAN               Oh, but that's what Vernon wants us               to do...                            CLAIRE               True, but I think we'd all kinda               say the same thing.                            BRIAN               You just don't want to write your               paper...Right?                            CLAIRE               True, but, you're the smartest,               right?                            BRIAN                    (with pride)               Oh, well...                            CLAIRE               We trust you...     Brian glances over at Allison and Andrew who nod in     approval.                            ANDREW               Yeah...                            BRIAN               All right, I'll do it...                            CLAIRE               Great...     Claire looks at Allison who looks back.                            CLAIRE                    (to Allison)               Come on...                           ALLISON               Where're we going?                            CLAIRE               Come on!     We see Claire putting eye make-up on Allison.                            CLAIRE               Don't be afraid.                           ALLISON               Don't stick that in my eye!                            CLAIRE               I'm not sticking it, just close...               just go like that...     Claire closes her eyes.  Allison mimics her.                            CLAIRE               Good...     Claire puts the make-up on her and Allison squeals.                            CLAIRE               You know you really do look a lot               better without all that black shit               on your eyes...                           ALLISON               Hey...I like that black shit...                            CLAIRE               This looks a lot better...look up.     We see Brian thinking about what he's going to write.     We see Andrew just thinking.     We see Allison and Claire again.  Claire is still     putting make-up on Allison.                           ALLISON               Please, why're you being so nice to               me?                            CLAIRE               'Cause you're letting me.     We see Brian begin to write.     We see Andrew, still deep in thought.                                                  CUT TO: 34. INT. CLOSET - DAY     We see Bender, in the closet once again.  Claire opens     the door and enters.                            BENDER               You lost?     Claire stares at him.     Bender smiles.     Claire smiles.                                                  CUT TO: 35. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     Brian is busily preparing the essay.     Andrew looks up and sees the newly made over Allison     and is in awe.     Allison walks towards him and stops when she notices     Brian staring at her with his mouth open.     She glares at him.                            BRIAN               Cool!                           ALLISON                    (smiling)               Thank you!                                                  CUT TO: 36. INT. CLOSET - DAY     Claire kisses Bender, then she breaks the kiss.                            BENDER               Why'd you do that?                            CLAIRE               'Cause I knew you wouldn't.                            BENDER               You know how you said before, how               your parents used you to get back               at each other...wouldn't I be               outstanding in that capacity?                            CLAIRE               Were you really disgusted about               what I did with my lipstick?                            BENDER               Truth?                            CLAIRE               Truth...     Bender nods and speaks at the same time.                            BENDER               No...                                                  CUT TO: 37. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     We see Brian lift up his paper and kiss it.     We see Andrew and Allison.                            ANDREW               What happened to you?                           ALLISON        Why?  Claire did it!  What's wrong?                            ANDREW               Nothing's wrong, it's just so               different.  I can see your face.                           ALLISON               Is that good or bad?                            ANDREW                    (laughing)               It's good!     Allison smiles.     We see Brian laugh and give himself a congratulatory     punch in the arm.                                                  CUT TO: 38. INT. HALLWAY - DAY     The five are walking down the hall where they are met     by Carl, sweeping up.  Brian nods at him.                             CARL               See ya Brian...                            BRIAN               Hey Carl...                            BENDER                    (to Carl)               See you next Saturday...                             CARL               You bet!                                                  CUT TO: 39. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY     Brian gets into his dad’s car and leaves.     Andrew and Allison kiss, Allison rips a patch off     Andrew’s jacket and gets into the car.     Andrew's dad arrives and looks at him, then at Allison.    Andrew gets into the car and they drive off.     We see Claire take out one of her diamond earrings     and put it into Benders hand.  They kiss and she gets     into her car.  She leaves.     We see Bender put the earring in his ear.                                                  CUT TO: 40. INT. LIBRARY - DAY     We see Vernon pick up Brian's essay and begin to read.                          BRIAN (VO)               Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact               that we had to sacrifice a whole               Saturday in detention for whatever               it was we did wrong.  But we think               you're crazy to make an essay               telling you who we think we are.               You see us as you want to see us...               In the simplest terms, in the most               convenient definitions.                                                  CUT TO: 41. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY     We see Bender walking towards us as Brian's monologue     continues.                          BRIAN (VO)                    (CONT'D)               But what we found out is that each               one of us is a brain...                        ANDREW (VO)               ...and an athlete...                         ALLISON (VO)               ...and a basket case...                         CLAIRE (VO)               ...a princess...                         BENDER (VO)               ...and a criminal...                          BRIAN (VO)               Does that answer your question?               Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.     We see Bender walking across the football field     as he thrusts his fist into the air in a silent cheer     and freezes there.                      The Breakfast Club                             Starring...          Andrew Clark.............Emilio Estevez          Richard Vernon...........Paul Gleason          Brian Johnson............Anthony Michael Hall          Carl.....................John Kapelos          John Bender..............Judd Nelson          Claire Standish..........Molly Ringwald          Allison Reynolds.........Ally Sheedy