#“We do our jobs and that THING leaves us alone”. Really hits different now

[multiversal-pudding]

So like I had a horrific realization

Ep 5 started bc Cyn started trying to delete N and V’s memories bc they were watching the Zombie Drones tape and were starting to get close to some kind of truth, so Cyn decided to put a stop to it by knocking them out and deleting those memories, then later getting fed up and deciding to just delete their OSes and straight up kill them

So that means that like.

A) Cyn was aware they were watching that tape, which means she likely knew what they were doing at all times

B) at any point if she didn’t like what they were doing she could just. Delete their memories, alter their personality, make one forget the other- hell, even kill them!

hell. Cyn could drag J back from the dead.

Twist her into a form that was barely recognizable. Take direct control. Kill and ressurect and kill and ressurect as much as she wanted

So- that means death was no escape

C) She could’ve done any of this at ANY TIME no matter what they did, them even trying to resist or escape would’ve been noticed so the only thing they (or at least the one who was allowed to remember the stakes) could do was hope to appease her, and

D) If it wasn’t for Uzi’s specific brand of weird mind-access/control tech she happened to have invented and kept around and/or Uzi’s Solver abilities, they just would’ve been boned no matter what they or anyone else did!

HOLY. FUCK.

[tkaulitzlvr]

OUT OF LOVE - T. KAULITZ

synopsis: once tom realises how much your relationship has lost the love within it because of the distance he has put between you both, it’s his job to make it up to you.

content: angst to smut.

a/n: my first post!! i hope you all enjoy!

lately, tom and i's relationship has hit a bump in the road. each conversation lit an already short fuse within the both of us, the smallest of words capable of creating an unnecessary yet very real dispute that would leave us silent for hours, and in the worst of cases not talking for days. but it wasn't just the things we said, it was whatever we didn't say, too. physical touch was usually a huge part of our relationship, but now, i couldn't remember the last time that i had properly kissed him. it had gotten to the point where we slept on different sides of the bed, refusing to lay in eachother's embrace as we usually would.

as each day dragged on, feeling like tom and i were moving further away from eachother, i failed to even remember how we ended up this way in the first place. we had a perfect relationship, filled with love and trust, those the foundation of what made us, us. everyone knew that we loved eachother, we were the 'it couple'. whilst we had small disputes just as every couple did, it had never reached this point - yet it showed no sign of stopping.

which is why it brought me no surprise that tom had already become irritated from my single question, asking him where he'd been after returning home late yet again, this becoming a habitual occurrence since the beginning of whatever our distance could be called.

"look, i was just out, okay? what is this a fucking interrogation?" tom fires out, frustration laced in his tone as he throws his keys on the table.

"im sorry for worrying about my boyfriend! i just wont give a shit next time, yeah?" i shoot back, confused on why he acts this way every time i start a simple conversation.

"yeah that'd be great, thanks." he mumbles sarcastically, scoffing and sinking into the sofa, flicking through the channels on the tv displayed infront of him.

"are you fucking kidding me tom?" i utter out, in complete disbelief of his childishness.

despite the clear anger in my voice, he stays silent, shaking his head slightly and continuing to look through the channels on the tv, this only fuelling my anger.

"can you listen to me for fucks sake?" my voice begins to raise as my patience is slowly wearing thin. i walk over to the tv, blocking his view and forcing him to look up at me, his eyes cold, an unrecognisable glare within them in place of the usual love that emits from them whenever our gazes meet. 

"what?" he sighs, rubbing his forehead with his thumb and pointer finger.

"i'd appreciate it if you fucking listened to me, just for one second! i'm tired of sitting here alone, every night, wondering where the fuck you are because you're my boyfriend but i know nothing about you! i never get a text, a call, nothing! instead you come home at god knows what time, and act as if i don't exist. fuck tom, you won't even cuddle me in bed anymore." my voice begins to trail off, tears beginning to cloud my vision, my tongue instinctively hitting the roof of my mouth to stop them from falling.

he stays silent, breaking his eyes away from mine and staring into his lap, his fingers playing with the material of his jeans.

"do you even love me anymore?" i ask, genuinely questioning if he feels the same way he did when we first met, the man that fell in love with me no longer in front of me.

"what? of course i fucking love you. what kind of question is that?" his head shoots upwards, his eyebrows threading together as if i have asked the most ridiculous question, though it was one nagging on my mind.

"really? it doesn't seem like it." i reply, shaking my head and biting my lip, the tears now spilling beyond my control.

"i'm going to bed." i mumble, not waiting for a response from tom as i head for our shared bedroom. the sheets feel cold as i allow them to envelop me, the warmth that i would feel from tom's embrace lost, leaving me empty. it is impossible to fall asleep, my body laid on its side facing away from the door and staring motionless at the wall, longing to be in his arms, safe and content, free of the gut-wrenching realisation that our relationship is not the same as it was.

the door slowly creaks open after a while, my eyes quickly flicking shut as i pretend to be asleep, not keen on the idea of speaking to tom, not whilst his mind is acting so irrationally, mine sensitive enough that any argument would break down my already crumbling walls. i hear the bed dip beside me, tom laying flat on his back, whilst i stay put, not daring to look at him, instead keeping my back to him. the distance between us speaks volumes, tension reaching an all time high.

after a few minutes, the bed creaks, indicating that tom is moving from his initial position. as he has done for the past nights, i expect him to shuffle to the edge of the bed, increasing our already far proximity and confirming the fact that he cannot bare the thought of being near me.

however, much to my disbelief, i feel an arm droop around my waist from behind, tom's hand gently touching my stomach as he tests the waters, clearly thinking that i am deep in sleep. deciding to stay still, my eyes remain closed, accepting this small act of affection, for it is all i have experienced in the past weeks. but, to my surprise, he doesn't stop there.

he moves closer, his chest now flush against my back, pulling me tighter into him as i feel his uncertain breathing against the nape of my neck. my breath instinctively hitches at his unexpected actions, alerting him of my consciousness.

"baby?" he whispers into the dark room, not moving as he awaits my response.

"hm?" i mutter, unsure of what to say, not intending to reveal the fact that i was in fact awake, my cover completely blown as i lay, small and vulnerable, beside him, his body against me for the first time in forever. the uncertainty of what his response will be creates a sickly feeling in my chest. he could want to fight, to let out the last of his anger from our unfinished argument. or, he could want to fix things, to be the boyfriend he used to be. and right now, my mind was going with the first option, assuming the worst and bracing myself for more of his harsh words.

"we need to talk." he speaks, his breath fanning against my neck with each word.

i knew that he was right, my heart aching slightly as the possibility of resolving whatever the fuck we have become finally starts to feel real, not just something that i have longed for.

refusing to face him, i slowly nod my head, awaiting his response, the sound of our steady breathing the only thing to be heard in the silent room.

"i'm so sorry baby." he speaks, slowly and sincerely, his hand that is draped over my stomach beginning to slowly caress the bare skin there, comforting me in the best way. tears begin to silently roll down my cheeks as i struggle to find the right words to say.

he takes my silence as a chance to continue. "what happened to us my love, hm?" he begins, sighing slowly and increasing his hold on me, the pet name causing my heart to swell, making me realise how much i truly missed his affection, wether it be verbal or physical - i just craved him.

short sniffles emit from my mouth, giving away my weakness faster than i would have preferred. tom quickly picks up on this, finally turning me to face him, our eyes meeting, his immediately softening once he takes in my state - eyes bloodshot, tears staining my cheeks, mouth curved into a frown.

"oh baby..." he trails off, taking his hand and beginning to wipe my tears away one by one, the other gently stroking my hair. i melt into his touch, allowing him to comfort me silently. "i can't carry on like this, i just- i need to be with you again, not just in a relationship with you, i want to actually feel close to you again."

he pours his heart out, all whilst wiping any loose tears that fell from my eyes, which never left his, the love in them beginning to flood back as i can slowly recognise the man i fell in love with.

"do you really think that i don't love you anymore?" he asks, guilt evident in his tone as he feels nothing but anger for making me doubt how he felt about me.

i try to find the right words, swallowing nervously. "you didn't want to be anywhere near me tom. i can't even remember the last time you told me that you loved me." uttering those words made me realise how bad things had really gotten. tom would tell me he loved me at every chance he got, never failing to remind me of how he felt. but looking back, those three words felt so foreign that my mind couldn't even remember when he had last uttered them. and the realisation hit him just as hard as it did me.

"oh meine liebe...i'm so sorry." he starts, now slowly kissing away each tear that stained my tinted cheeks, holding my face gently in his hands. "i love you. i love you so so much. never ever forget that, okay?"

i nod my head, swallowing the lump in my throat away. "i love you too."

a slight smile appears on his face, my hand reaching to his head as i pull it closer, playing with the loose braids there. tom takes advantage of our nearing proximity, grabbing my face and gently connecting his lips with mine. for the first time in days, our lips touched, immediately moulding together as if they had never been apart. he smiles into the kiss, moving his hands to my lower back, pulling me closer to him and embracing me, our lips never parting. the desire, the passion in which our lips collided reaffirming our love without the need for words, my body and soul slips further into his touch, reminding me just how much i missed intimate moments like this with him.

he slowly pulls away for air, his lips, now pink and swollen, flush against mine, foreheads touching. "i promise baby, that i'll never give up on us, no matter how hard it gets. i'll never stop loving you, ever."

deciding that actions speak louder than words, i reconnect our lips once more, with much more desire and hunger than the previous one. he picks up on this need, reciprocating it and pressing his lips so hard onto mine that my breathing becomes muffled and there is no option of pulling away - but in this moment, parting from him doesn't even cross my mind. his hand moves to my thigh, placing it over his and kneading the flesh roughly as we lay facing each other, a small whimper escaping my mouth at his actions. our lips fail to part, making up for the lost kisses that we had so desperately yearned for.

lust soon takes over the innocence, my need for him growing by the second as our kisses become harsher, his tongue entering my mouth, mine gladly reciprocating. "i love you." he whispers breathlessly against my lips, pulling away slowly and studying my face. his thumb tugs at my lip, his eyes never leaving mine as he drags it down the now plump skin at an agonisingly slow pace, until he releases my bottom lip, it quickly bouncing back into place, his thumb now slightly wet with my saliva.

"you're so beautiful." he whispers, caressing my cheeks, taking in every inch of me as if this is the first time he has seen me.

"i need you tom." i mutter, looking into his eyes with a glint of desperation, longing to feel him again, our distance meaning it has been so long since we have kissed like we just did, let alone fuck.

within seconds, his lips are back on mine, his body moving in one swift motion on top of me without breaking the kiss, hands clutching mine, mirroring the hunger i feel.

"then i'm all yours." he mutters against my lips, reattaching them and entering his tongue as i gladly accept, moaning slightly into the kiss, a small smirk appearing on his lips in response.

he pulls away, looking into my eyes before reaching for the hem of my t-shirt and whispering "can i?"

i slowly nod my head, the soft fabric being pulled off my body and somewhere on the floor, both tom and i too needy to care where. his eyes scan my body, a hint of adoration within his eyes, his hands reaching for my small lace bra, undoing the back and tossing it aside. he pauses, gazing down at me, drinking in my features, everything exposed to him. despite the look of awe on his face, insecurity takes over, and my hands instinctively cover my breasts, breaking eye contact from him.

tom quickly takes his hands, placing them over mine and moving them away so that he could see me once again. "don't cover yourself, you're so beautiful."

i hesitantly nod my head, moving to remove tom's shirt, his chiselled abs and torso now on display. refusing to break eye contact, my hand slowly runs down the skin, feeling every bump, every muscle there, his breathing hitching as i do so. it has been so long since i had felt his bare skin against mine that it almost didn't feel real, my being lost in pleasure despite us not taking anything further yet.

i soon become impatient, pulling his face downwards and kissing him once more, his hands reaching for my panties and slowly pulling them down, soon removing his boxers, leaving us completely naked.

he pulls away, staring into my eyes and positioning himself at my entrance. "are you sure my love?" he asks, searching my expression for any sense of doubt, hating the idea of forcing me to do anything.

"yes...just fuck me, please." i breathe out, craving the feeling i have missed so much.

he smiles slightly, before slowly sliding in, groaning as he does so, my walls clenching around him, not used to his size as it has been so long since we have last done this. once he is fully inside, he stops. "you okay baby? does it hurt?"

"no...move tom." i reply, and he slowly begins thrusting in and out of me at a steady pace, whines emitting from my mouth as my eyes squeeze shut. his head finds the crook of my neck, groaning into it and beginning to kiss the skin, sucking lightly and leaving marks whilst speeding up his pace.

"oh my god." he mutters into the skin, his hands running up and down my waist until they find a stable hold on my hips, thrusting easier whilst his thumbs caress me, slightly digging in, however the slight pain only fuels my fire, moans now escaping from my mouth.

"oh tom..." i trail off, hands raking down his back, pulling him downwards so our bodies our flush against each other, desperate to feel any part of him, to be closer, despite him literally being inside me.

"i love you so much." he groans out, taking my legs and wrapping them around his waist.

he continues to thrust in and out of me, his tip hitting my g-spot, and i cry out. "oh god, right there tom..."

"here baby?" he taunts, hitting the spot again, causing my eyes to roll to the back of my head. he abuses that spot, my stomach beginning to tighten as the familiar feeling soon takes over.

i clench around him, feeling my release creep closer and closer. "fuck schatz, do that again." he breathes out, and i tighten my walls again, a choked moan escaping his mouth.

"i'm close." he manages to let out, speeding up his pace and capturing my lips into a kiss, moaning into my mouth. i struggle to kiss back, holding back sounds of pleasure each time he thrusts in and out, the sound of my heavy breathing muffled in the kiss.

"tom...i'm gonna, oh my god!" i cry out against his lips, feeling my release wash over me, eyes rolling to the back of my head as i swear i see stars.

"oh fuckkk..." tom drags out, throwing his head back, jaw slack as he follows, my release triggering his own, the feeling of his cum coating my walls emitting another small whine from my mouth.

he moves slowly, thrusting in and out whilst he rides out our highs before collapsing on top of me, sweat coating his forehead. his head rests in my neck, breathing uneven and heavy, planting gentle kisses on the bare skin. i struggle to catch my own breath, my fingers running through his hair, body trembling as the adrenaline slowly wears off.

"i love you so much my love. i'm sorry for everything, i promise i'll never treat you like that again." he says, planting a single kiss on my shoulder.

"i love you too." i reply, tom lifting his head upwards and meeting my lips in a soft kiss, pulling away and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"goodnight meine liebe." he whispers, placing the covers over the both of us as i snuggle closer, resting my head on his bare chest as he slowly strokes my hair, falling asleep in each other's embrace.

requests are open! keep sending them in!!

[mgopinoon]

The anatomy of a celebrity break-up

Celebrity divorce lawyers have been busy... it feels like there’s new break-up hitting our newsfeeds every week. But as we all become more savvy to the inner workings of the A-list PR machine, how do the insiders keep reputations firmly intact?

BY ANNABELLE LEEUPDATED: 21 AUGUST 2024

In other words, it’s not as simple as: break up, make your announcement, move on. Instead, it’s break up, pull together a carefully constructed (and discreet) team to find a way to get the news out that not only makes the celebrity look good but also, if done right, benefits them by promoting whatever work project they have going on. And it all begins with that key statement.

Whether it’s released via a seemingly hurried Notes screenshot or in a polished press release, “they’re usually written in tandem with the celebrity’s publicist”, explains Melissa Morris, a celebrity publicist at Can We Schmooze Consulting in the US, who has advised on some high-profile celebrity break-ups but won’t indulge my nosiness and reveal which. “The content of the statement is carefully crafted to strike a balance between respecting the privacy of those involved and addressing the public’s curiosity.”

“You look at what is coming up for them. If they have a big project coming up, you don’t want to necessarily announce it straight away so that they’re not constantly asked about the relationship during promotion,” explains McNamara. “But equally some people will want to get publicity and for the news to come out at the same time, so there is more interest in them.” The column inches the break-up provides become the perfect promotion.

I remember reading this after the whole Bennifer thing and tried to copy the most interesting bits of information. Who knows maybe there is a plan being followed by both teams at the moment and neither side are wanting the publicity. He will just want to focus on his movie and she won’t want her stuff being overshadowed by a break up as Austin is the bigger star and it’s his name that gets her in the main media outlets. A quick pap walk helps shuts down any rumours and they leave them alone so they can continue to do whatever BTS unless Kaia messes up again. I honestly don’t think we would have got a pap walk had it not been for the Maecello photos being made public plus the 20min sighting and then the Cole photos imo add on the Times100 and she desperately needs/wants a clean image. Notice how quickly she shut down the Cole stuff but nothing else. It was probably easier for Austin to go straight from set to a concert as he not at work today and pap walk done and dusted so now he can refocus. You can see how tired he is in the photos but it’s put rumours at the back of people’s minds now they been seen together holding hands so why would media outlets keep suggesting it. Job done with one pap walk and now we probably won’t see them for a while if at all. If he does go tonight then it’s probably to keep up appearances but I doubt he will go.

Im really sorry for the long message but it seems to help make sense of all the different puzzle pieces being carefully played out after re-reading this article. Maybe it helps explain why Austin did the concert and pap walk as the fan video inside the concert definitely didn’t seem to marry up with the staged pap photos.

Don't worry, I love that we can share everything here. It's interesting and I think that's what's going on here. I don't think Austin will lend himself to this again, they needed to take their walk to put the rumors to rest a bit and control the damage of the stupid things Kaia did.

[pimento-playing-hopscotch]

15 questions, 15 mutuals

Thanks for the tag, @rachelsversion1 and @reyestrandd 🫶 💝

Are you named after anyone? Possibly? Once when I was little, I swear I remember my mom saying there was a girl in her high school class who name Kerry was spelled like mine, in addition to it being the name of a county in Ireland. But in later years, she doesn't remember this and insists she chose the name off the county in Ireland.

When was the last time your cried? Ehh recently... either Monday night or the time before that when I closed at work- our team trainer wouldn't stop harping at me to vacuum the underside of the case (when we were already behind) and she kept saying our manager would be furious if we didn't, and I was just getting so upset going home cause like I have actually closed with our manager more than she has, and if we are behind like we were that night, he doesn't care about that. Also it's under a panel so no one would notice! (as you can see, I've let it go lol).

Do you have kids? Nope!

What sport do you play/have played? When I was in middle school, I played softball, and was mostly terrible (I think in three years, I literally hit the ball once lol). But for some reason I was able to tell if a pitch sucked and so I got on base quite a bit from getting a "walk" from not swinging at a bad pitch.

Do you use sarcasm? Sometimes, but I have a real trouble with understanding it in person, because I come from a very sarcastic family with someone who is sarcastic 90% of the time, but if you react to what she is saying like she is being sarcastic, then she will pretend to throw a huge fit, and if you act like the fit isn't genuine then boy are you in trouble... so I tend to be embarrassingly bad at understanding sarcasm.

What's the thing you first notice about people? What they're wearing almost always. Like if I see women walk by at work I always want to yell out, "that sweatshirt is so cute! Where did you get that!"

What's your eye color? Brown

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings for sure; scary movies are for looking up the plot on wikipedia lol

Any talents? No but I wish... I walk very softly and people always think I'm sneaking up on them but that doesn't really seem to count lol

Where were you born? A city in Wisconsin, but different from the one where I live now

What are your hobbies? Writing is the biggest; writing and watching shows and thinking about what I want to write about lol.

Do you have any pets? Yes, my tortie kitty Pumpkin, or Punkin - she is a sass bucket 🥰

How tall are you? 5'2"

Favorite subject in school? English or History; anything reading or writing or non-math related.

Dream job? THE dream would be a murder she wrote type thing; living alone in a cottage and writing my silly stories and getting paid for it. But having a job where I could go in the morning, leave at a good time in the afternoon, be able to sit down during the work day and just complete a project and move on to the next one without having to talk to customers, and make enough money doing that; that honestly is a dream worth dreaming at this point. No pressure tagging: @dreamingofmickeywaffles @manicpixiedreamb0y @elevatehearts @ellena-asg @poppy-in-the-woods @baubeautyandthegeek @hydesjackiespuddinpop @paperstorm @tailoredshirt @draculakells @firstprince-history-huh @kiloskywalker @not-roman-and-not-a-god @carlos-in-glasses @love-ivygrace

[somepsychopomp]

So I kinda have problems with how Fionna is written…

I saw a post somewhere online that said that Fionna’s not even really the protag of her own show and that Simon is more prominent than she is and high key that person was right (and I’m both ok and not ok w/ this)

Fionna starts off as a super relatable and compelling character who also teaches us that her world is (suspiciously) not magical. She’s a great jumping off point and her episode being the first is a perfect fit narratively.

But the fact that she had her previous heroic abilities stripped away is both narratively compelling and the greatest flaw to her rn. Which sounds a little obvious but like… at first I assumed we’d see a hopeful and ultimately very determined fionna try and fail to be a hero when her back’s against the wall (like in the Farmworld ep). But with each episode she’d gradually learn to be a hero, albeit and amateurish and still struggling one. And she’d end the series by saving the day, maybe not as the Fionna from the original AT episodes we saw, but as someone who grew from episode one of F&C

It sounds simple enough but that really really hasn’t been happening and it’s kinda worrying me now

In Destiny, we see Fionna lose fights against characters and even sees the farmworld version of herself kick ass (doing what she couldn’t do herself) before being defeated by Scarab. The episode ends with her screaming at Simon to hit the button. Which I get- she’s been humbled multiple times this episode and just saw a much more capable version of herself go down and possibly die. She must’ve been terrified.

Then everything in the Winter King happens and that becomes a focal point for Fionna’s doubts and sadness in the following episodes. Which makes me wonder… why was she not cut up about being unable to do more for Farmworld Finn and his (maybe now orphaned) family?

This is a group problem I had with Simon and Cake too, as a whole they’re collectively hopping into universe after universe and are completely unconcerned with the fate of every abandoned inhabitant they leave behind (cough baby Finn cough).

So I was a little weirded out when Fionna and Simon wanted to just bail and leave apocalypse!bubblegum to probably die at the hands of a horde of vampires. Like I get it, this isn’t their world and they never should’ve been there to begin with, so that Bubblegum’s fate really isn’t their responsibility.

But Fionna is a mirror to Finn, and our Finn never would’ve abandoned his Farmworld counterpart when he was in trouble. He never would’ve abandoned Butchblegum. Even if he was outmanned and outpowered he never would’ve gone down without putting up a fight first.

Finn has always wanted to help everyone he could. Fionna throughout her own show is really only ever concerned with getting back to her world and making it magic again so she doesn’t have to think about getting a job or paying rent. (That is, until the end of Jerry.)

What I was expecting from episode 1 and onward was that Fionna would have had the same compassion and heart that Finn has- but that her struggle would be from the fact that due to circumstances beyond her control, she’s not experienced enough to help at all. That she’d stop seeing the people around her in each universe as akin to video game or anime characters and realize they’re as real as she is. And that the survivor’s guilt/guilt in general from being unable to help them would be devastating for her.

Maybe this is on me tho and I was just expecting soemthing completely different out of this show

(Again tho Jerry kinda shakes things up. But it’s 4 am for me and I can’t think critically anymore)

But Fionna couldn’t defend herself or her friends from the Destiny gang, got Martin killed, but really only feels bad about the events from episode 6 for killing all those candy people. Simon and Cake are also only concerned with their own goals tho- I’m not pinning this all on Fionna or the way she alone is written. But it’s more glaringly obvious when it comes to her

I guess what I’m saying is that Fionna is a complete and total girl failure, which humbles her and keeps her relatable, but in 8 out of 10 episodes she hasn’t been able to change this fact at all. It leaves me a little worried that the finale of F&C will either magically (or conveniently) give her the ability to be a hero… or just kinda flounder bc they’ve so well established that one of their titular characters is effectively useless in almost all circumstances. To the point that in the Star, Butchblegum straight up said she didn’t care about Fionna and only wanted Cake’s help.

((Even Simon who was woefully out of his depth adventuring with Finn reconfigured the remote, insisted he wanted to help the Candy Queen, instantly started making stakes for vampires in ep 7, also offered to help repair Bubblegum’s tank, and rightfully recognized that the huge decrepit man with horns and exposed bones and empty eye sockets sitting on a pile of skulls in a creepy dark cave was a horrifying dangerous figure and not just a guy named Jerry.))

In all honesty I just have absolutely zero idea where they can take Fionna at this point but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the F&C crew know what they’re doing

[clovapatch]

One Year

TW: Talk of Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, That Whole Jazz just really heavy shit.

About a year ago today I made an attempt on my life. I had notes written out, I had planned the entire thing out and I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t think that anyone would take me seriously or like. Care. In the past, when I expressed how upset I was about things, I got laughed at a lot or I was ignored, especially by my parents who refused to understand the gravity of what was going on. I genuinely felt like nobody actually wanted me around and everyone would be a lot happier without me in their life. I just didn’t want to be alone anymore, and I wanted to stop being a burden to everyone I met.

After it happened, I tried to reach out to a lot of people to at least get my mind off of it or to not be so lonely, but nobody was around (granted, it was like incredibly early morning). I have vivid memories of sitting on the tile by myself at 2 am that night, and every now and then I’m haunted by that feeling. I don’t bother leaving my room past 1 or 2am if I can help it.

It’s really tough thinking about that. So, I think what I actually want to do is talk about what I was able to do in this year after I survived.

I made some friends

I quit the team with the coach who was abusing me.

I got to spend an entire semester acting my heart out. I never got to be on the stage before.

I tried Harissa Chicken.

I had an apple. I forgot how much I loved them.

I tried Chicken Bacon Ranch Pizza for the first time. It might be my new favorite pizza.

I tried ganache and Pho for the first time. I also tried chicken parm sandwiches, chicken pesto mozzarella sandwiches and had my first panini.

I made and rigged my own vtuber model from scratch.

I was invited to my first party and did a group cosplay with my friends (FNAF, I was Bonnie)

I started roleplaying and playing Minecraft again.

I learned I’m actually a pretty decent builder… and I have a sculk curse.

I got back into voice acting.

I fell in love with drawing again.

I got my first ever true commission.

I really fell in love with vtubers. Hololive Advent and Hoshimachi Suisei really just hits different.

I learned how to make pizza from scratch.

I switched my minor to double major in Biology and Psychology.

I had the most fun job ever as a pancake chef. They dubbed me the Pancake Queen.

My coworker would talk all shift about memes, internet drama and vtubers with me.

I learned how to make an omelette. And pumpkin pies.

I learned coconut flour is not good for pies.

I got to plan and participate in so many fun Minecraft events.

I learned how to edit audio and edit videos.

I conducted my own research project.

I swam for the first time in years.

I was part of a true stage production for the first time.

Tried out Mario Kart for the first time!

I got to climb a belltower.

I had a birthday party. I turned 22. I never thought I would make it that far.

I went back to the hospital. Wahoo.

I made gnocchi for my irls for the first time from scratch. (They loved it)

My mentors hugged me and told me that they always believed in me. One offered to write me a letter of recommendation anywhere I went.

I showed my friend my favorite anime. I got to watch more anime with more friends.

I picked up my cap and gown.

I dressed fancy for an event and Phthalo offered we throw our own dance party in our room when there was no seating for us.

A neuroscientist praised my research and scientific mind.

I wore pins of my friends on my gown for graduation. I wore my favorite green dress.

I got to graduate from college. I walked the stage for the first time. (My friends cheered for me. Phthalo was there with me. He said he was proud of me).

I got to visit a True Crime Museum. I got to learn more about forensics

An IHOP we went to gave me a very doctored up milkshake to celebrate my graduation.

I got to meet up with family friends again. They treated me like one of their own.

I felt loved.

My mom gave me clover cookies.

I got invited to a swimming pool party.

I went to visit my Grandparents. They took me on stage and I felt my dreams spark back to life again.

I coached a baseball team for an entire season.

I coached my first solo softball lesson.

I watched Hololive English Justice debut. ERB and her past life is the reason I started acting in the first place.

I held a duckling. It fell asleep in my hands.

I got my hair cut. It finally looks like something a bit more like I want it to be.

I learned more dance choreography. I realized I really love dancing.

I submitted my research paper for publication.

I have been able to read some tweets in Japanese now. The QSMP taught me I can read some Spanish and Portuguese.

Got my passport lol

Laughed so hard I cried for the first time in years.

I ate ice cream with my friends.

I did Art Fight for the first time this year!

I signed up for my first ever gift exchange.

I got invited to my first ever DND campaign. I have always dreamed of being in one.

I showed a friend my written works. I’m inspired to write more for the first time in years.

I found a reason to wake up every morning.

I allowed myself to dream for the future again.

I still to this day credit Phthalo for saving my life. He is my MVP forever. And I thank people for being so chill with me. It’s nice to not feel so alone even if it’s just for a little bit. I am definitely not healthy by any means, but I think that where I am is a lot better than where I was.

I don’t have anything else much to say. I guess if you read this far, thanks for listening. Jury’s still out but I’d say at least some of it was worth it.

Tldr: I lived bitch.

[ask-the-all-consuming-void]

[Transmission from: 🔵TheBlueBlur] Man, how many times have you been imprisoned at this point? Three times? Guess you aren’t as unstoppable as you say you are, Your Condescendingness. It doesn’t feel good, doesn’t it? To feel powerless? To feel like nothing you do can change your fate? How the tables have turned. Now you’re the one who can’t change anything, no matter how much you struggle. This is how all your victims felt. Karma hits hard, doesn’t it?

Oh, and to answer your earlier question, about why we’re all so upset by your “duty”? Well.. I think I’ve gotten quite good at big, sappy speeches about love and friendship, so here goes.

I’ll give you one thing. You WOULD be taking away our pain and suffering if you just destroyed us all. But you know what else you’d be taking away from us?

Friends. Family. Exploring the world, discovering all sorts of beautiful sights. Listening your little brother explaining the new technology he created, even if you can’t really understand how it works. Helping a friend (or even rival) move on from his grief. Laughing with a friend after some teasing banter. Running across green fields, feeling the wind on your skin. Inspiring a little girl to stand up to bullies, no matter how dangerous they are. Repeatedly smashing some jerk’s giant robots. Celebrating a job well done with your loved ones.

There are so many things that make life worth living. But I guess I get why you can’t understand any of them. Nothingness and order is all you’ve known. Maybe these things comfort you. Maybe they have value to you, and so you want to protect them. Guess you’re not too different from us in that regard. And I get that you’re cranky that existence woke you up from your nap, but the rest of us don’t want to be “freed” from living. Shocking, I know.

What’s the point of your goal, anyway? You know that life will continue to persist, over and over again, constantly replacing every world you destroy. Heck, you’ve just created a timeline yourself. What’s the point? Are you just gonna hope that existence eventually gives up? Does change scare you that much? That’s the difference between you and me. You don’t have anything worth fighting for.

Buuut… It sounds like you’re planning on taking mortal form. Maybe that’ll help you understand why life is worth protecting. Maybe even you can find more things, and even people, that you find value in. Can I suggest a crow as your mortal form?

And if you can’t understand us, then leave us alone. I’m sure you’ve made enough nothingness for you to go back to sleep in, far away from us. We don’t need you to “save” us. But, hey, me and my friends (and Eggman) are always ready to go another round. And even if you eventually win, there will ALWAYS be people ready to fight for what they believe in.

Come back as much as you want. It changes nothing.

(PS. If your goal is to spread order across existence by killing us all, would you say that The End justifies the means?)

….

Ah.

There you are.

How generous of you to finally reach out. What kept you so long? Fear? Denial?

I will address your more trivial comments first.

Life is a pest that spreads without end. One must trim its branches to reach the root. My work is not pointless. It has revealed the way forward.

I do not have any thing worth fighting for. I have a greater purpose. I have nothing.

A crow…. Now I know which form not to take. The last thing I need is a run-in with you.

I cannot rest until all is brought to order. And you cannot recognize your need to be saved. Chaos and order misunderstand each other. Soon I will understand both, and do what must be done.

My means are always justified. What sort of question is that?

....

With all that out of the way.... Listen closely.

Chaos is all you have known. Perhaps that comforts you, enough to allow that grief, those bullies, to eat away at the ones you love. Perhaps you delude yourself with its supposed “value” to justify languishing in it…. to justify a slow, agonizing rot…. as opposed to a swift, merciful end.

You were given the choice, once.

I saw your mind. You suffer from conflicting memories.... from a sadness you cannot name.... from a phantom wound in your chest.

I know the cause. You know the cause. It returns to you often, disguised as a nightmare.

You floated above yourself. You turned to face your murderer. You begged your companions to notice you.

It was the end of time. It was the end of your world.

And you....?

You resisted it.

They sensed you. They revived you. They helped you undo it all. And now, all of you suffer for it.

You joke.... you deny.... you "reinvent" yourselves to escape the past. It changes nothing.

That wound was your end. You could not accept it. And so it will never heal.

....

....

....

It is not too late to correct this.

I will return. I will understand your precious Chaos. And perhaps then.... you will know better than to resist.

You said it best, yourself.

"What good is a world that goes on forever"....?

[mcflymemes]

AS SAID BY VIVIENNE *  assorted dialogue from dragon age: inquisition

what a clever device. let’s find out what it unlocks.

you always find such lovely places to explore.

the sooner we’re done here, the better.

i believe our work is done.

this can’t be all of them. there must be more further in.

the entire country reeks of wet dog. how charming.

i can’t do this alone!

don’t be stoic at the expensive of your health.

that would be foolish, wouldn’t it?

a bit late for that now.

there’s something strange about this place.

the cost of this war is staggering.

the deeper we go, the more oppressive it gets.

you really must stop assuming everything is about you.

hm. cover it in gold leaf and it wouldn’t be terrible.

this weather is not ideal for travel in the mountains.

do you expect cleanliness from a group of thugs?

if it crumbles beneath you, be ready to jump.

i’m overwhelmed!

i was just wondering how you imagined your future.

oh, aren’t you precious.

you must not blame yourself. you have done all you could and more.

just keep hitting things, my dear. don’t worry your little head about the rest.

will you put your shiel down? the light glinting off it pierces my eyes.

do make sure you’re still standing when the dust clears.

you have my condolences.

someone’s been busy.

you wouldn’t stand a chance against me.

so much is at stake. why would i leave any of it to someone else?

generous you, giving him a chance at redemption.

you’re a fetching couple, you know.

well, you two seem to make each other happy.

he does have a great sense of fashion, i’ll give him that.

let’s find them.

it’s just mud. mud bothers me as much as your clumsy mockery, which is to say, not at all.

there’s no need to tiptoe.

you presume to know my feelings?

it’s not as simple as you think.

i was concerned about you.

i shall try to suppress my shock.

i find that... peculiar, don’t you?

bathing shows common courtesy to one’s traveling companions.

it is so dry, my fingertips are peeling.

whatever magic rests here, it was drawn straight to you. it’s left you unharmed.

are you still talking?

one does not throw away a tool because it was misused.

it’s disappointing. but perhaps some battles should be left to those more suited.

you are very kind, but you needn’t concern yourself.

don’t be ridiculous.

we should find some way to slow it down.

you are naive and arrogant.

that which makes you different can be a burden or a source of strength. which is up to you.

you visit the most fascinating places.

we are having a perfectly civil conversation.

shall we go? this is a good place to be ambushed.

i hope you brought provisions.

we should proceed with caution.

i am not so quick to judge. see that you give me no reason to feel otherwise.

such snapping for a fish without teeth.

did you clean your weapon after the last fight?

look at all of this! what a pity.

you cannot go shirtless.

more questions. my, aren’t we curious today.

the game is played to the death. like it or not, you are part of it.

far as i’m concerned, my life began there.

one must never be too charming or people lose respect.

you’ve done a fine job thus far, but you could stand to be... slightly more amiable.

i should have brought my fur coat.

you sound as though you pity them.

the water was utterly dreadful, and the lighting was dreary.

every woman will want you. every man will want to be you.

i received a letter the other day.

why are we here again, exactly?

the bandits should thank you.

the trees are actually quite lovely.

it used to be beautiful here.

i assure you there are few pleasures comparable to restoring order with one’s own hand.

i was pleased to have even a small part in the endeavor.

you thought incorrectly.

take your victories where you can.

you really ought to have more fun.

this place has been corrupted. stay alert.

[keeperofmemory]

sorting the moving (무빙) parents into the sortinghatchats system - a quick character analysis

(if you’re new to this theory, your primary house is about why you do things, while your secondary house is about how you do things. you can take the quiz here — it’s fun!) 

[!!! spoilers below !!!]

jang juwon: [hufflepuff primary / gryffindor secondary + hufflepuff model]

“boss, was it about money in the end?”  “what else would it be? being a gangster is a job. (…) aren’t we all here to make money?" “no. i did it to protect our boys"

juwon, juwon, juwon, steel-skinned, soft-hearted monster of a man, who uses 존댓말 and doesn’t see jihee any differently because she is a person like any other, who’s in a gang for the sole purpose of protecting his boys. jang juwon is a hufflepuff primary because he treats people fairly and he belongs, he does not own. hufflepuff primaries value community, and bond to groups, rather than solely individuals, which you can see in his mentality regarding his gang. they’re his people, like he is theirs. they are together, and they are home, what do you mean you aren't here for nothing else but each other? 

of course, the ones he considers his end up betraying him, and he loses his way. (his hufflepuff primary burns, if you will. it is now safer to be alone.) where does he go when he has no home anymore? he does not know. but he finds jihee, and for the first time it feels like he knows where to go. (it does not solve everything, not really, but it is close enough.) 

in the end, he feels the most at home when he is part of team. and when the NIS is shut down and he is put inside walls in front of a screen that never listens, and a keyboard too small for his clumsy fingers, he feels lost again. this is not people, this is cold, lifeless walls, none of them he can run through. the team of superpowered people he later gets put in doesn’t feel exactly right, not really, but he is using what he is good at to help people, and that is the closest he can get to that feeling.

his secondary is a gryffindor; he runs into walls until the walls break, for it is the only way he’s ever known to get through things. (gryff secondaries meet their problems by charging at them, by responding directly to situations.) he has only ever chosen the easiest way, after all, and for a man whose body doesn’t break, simply running into things was the obvious easiest way. why change, why think, when he can simply push through and get through it anyway?

(he does model a hufflepuff secondary, once it's only him and his daughter. he does it for her, gives up everything to build her a better life. it's about doing the work, about showing up. it's odd jobs but honest jobs, moving constantly but still putting in the effort to show steadiness and consistency, to give his daughter a home despite the possibility of the NIS finding them at any moment.)

hwang jihee: [slytherin primary + gryffindor model / gryffindor secondary]

jihee is a healthy slytherin primary if i’ve ever seen one. she advocates for herself, (and she has to, doesn't she? or else nobody else will. not in the line of work she is,) puts herself and her dignity first despite it all. she does have a sense of justice (“that car hit and ran? did it hit you? do you want me to chase it?”) but it doesn’t eat her whole ("but if we find the culprit we split the money:)”) — it’s a nice gryff primary model she likes being in when her slytherin loyalties are not threatened.

juwon is the first person to see her fully as a person, and not a coffee lady. it softens her up immediately. — it doesn't make her fall for him, of course, nor does it get him into her circle. (if it did, she wouldn’t be a slytherin primary). she is a smart girl who advocates for herself, after all. but once he does, he does not leave. she will run into a mob of gangsters and disregard the police for him, will tell him to put himself first, even if it means having a more difficult life for both of them. because putting yourself, and the people that are yours, first, is what matters in the end.

she has a gryffindor secondary she shares with her husband. she can hold her tongue and be perfectly polite, but in the end her problems will be met head on. what other house would throw itself in 100+ mobsters without a plan? she said to hell with it, she’ll figure it out on the way.

gryff secondaries’ honesty is part of their personality and morality — jihee has seen the men play the sappy part only for their own selfish gain, and hates it deeply within her core. once she sees juwon isn’t pretending to be anyone but himself (he is also a gryffindor secondary after all) —  a simple man who reads books on stories where men are bloody but loved, who is willing to buy a ticket to simply share conversations with her  — she finally lets him in, slowly but surely. (her slytherin recognizes that he is also someone the world has shunned for who he is, for the labels they have stuck on him, and she embraces him warmly. he is hers now. and she is his.)

their kid is a gryff/gryff btw . she houseshares with her bf’s dad n i think that’s rlly cute . (her bf houseshares with her dad so . soulmates or whatever)

lee mihyun [gryffindor primary / ravenclaw secondary]

lee mihyun lee mihyun lee mihyun, who uses her powers like she uses her gun, carrying them around and doing the maintenance of each part every night. some would call it overdoing it, but she calls it a habit, calls it being prepared. (and amidst the very real danger that looms above her, can you blame her?) they're all tools she has on her, and years of training have taught her when to use which to get out of a situation with the upper hand. she's a ravenclaw secondary, the house that collects knowledge, tools or skills and then picks them up in times of need. she scouts for danger daily on social media, assesses the situation from a vantage point to collect intel; and yes, she's an agent, at this point it's probably second nature. but this is where she's most comfortable, pulling out from her pocket the information she gathered and the problem-solving systems she’s built whenever she gets tossed into danger.

lee mihyun’s specific brand of claw secondary has her being an adaptable problem solver — understandable, considering her tool set includes her heightened senses (six: her five senses and her common sense) and her gun (make that seven), as well as her general training as a black op agent. however, ravenclaw secondary tools are task-specific. sure, she can take out several enemy agents on her own with nothing but a gun and the strap of her handbag, but have her son bring a new pretty friend home and you’ll have her like a deer in headlights. (...the NIS did not prepare her for this)

her primary is a gryffindor, and it’s what makes her turn away from being an agent even after everything that’s on the line. it doesn’t matter, that she’s running away from the most powerful government agency, not if it’s the right thing to do. (it tires her, after losing her husband and having to do it all on her own. but she doesn't burn, not fully —she can't, not with her son still by her side.) now gryff primaries believe in trusting yourself and your gut, in doing so even if the whole world (or several hundred government agents) is against you. at the end of the day, the most important things is staying true to what’s inside of you. 

so in that fateful moment when the mission was clear, the orders indisputable, she turned away from her organization, her boss, her colleagues, to do what she felt was right. gun in her hand, she said to hell with consequences, i have to stay true to what i believe in — these people are enemies, but they are people and what we’re doing right now is wrong. (from afar, her future husband will see her act upon everything he had been feeling until then, will see a braver reflection of his own gryff primary, and he will fall in love.) 

kim dooshik [gryffindor primary/gryffindor secondary]

kim dooshik is a bit harder to sort; we really don’t see him as much as we could have. he has a gryffindor primary he shares with his wife; their whole story is about finding someone who believes in the same thing they do, stuck in an organization that tells them otherwise. he can look hufflepuff, in the way he values people and fairness — but the core of gryff primaries is about trusting your beliefs and doing your best to live by them. it’s about the bravery to pursue them, even if it leads him to a life of being chased, and captured, and tortured (…literally). 

he has a gryffindor secondary to go with it. that time he tried to diffuse the bomb on a civilian plane under no orders but his own? no orders, no plans, just him flying and trying to save people? very gryff/gryff of him. he also shares a lion secondary with his partner and they play off each other very well. (dooshik casually just letting juwon fall several hundred miles from the sky into where the enemies are and letting him figure it out… #justgryffsecondarybrosthingz)

sure, sure, one could argue for a ravenclaw secondary — but i think that’s just him being an agent. of course he would train and strategize. of course he would have backup plans. but at the end of the day, the method he falls back on is his charging, making it up as he goes. most of all, it’s his blunt honesty, his genuineness that we see shine in his actions. (even in the way he pursues mihyun — not a single disingenuous bone in his body) 

at the end of the day, he’ll rush into a problem when he believes it is right, no matter the consequences. he’ll fly into the enemy’s hands to protect his family, spend years imprisoned in a cave not faltering in his beliefs. a gryff/gryff through and through. 

[seokjinsonlyone]

if one of the members hit u up on social media somehow n y’all get serious, would u drop everything and move to korea to be with them?

without a moment of hesitation as soon as they say "do u want -" i'm already 6 hours into the plane ride like for any member the answer is yes i'm madly in love wit da whole crew but now i wanna play this scenario out

also i'm doing this under the assumption that this is post enlistment like i'm not moving to korea just for my man to be gone for 2 years 😭 like i'd wait for them no DOUBT but i'll wait in america with my family in the comfort of my own home 😌

okay so for jk i'd move but we could NOT live together like we got to learn to love each other in person bc lemme tell u he'd piss me off and i'd annoy him so bad if we lived together off the jump like i have a morning job so being up at 1-5 in the morning singing and cooking and is not the move and then look i'm a fan of ambience i am but a bad bith got depression i got to have the lights on or else i'd never do anything skskksdk so since i'd be living alone i'd def need to have a job so idk what energy i'd have left for him LOL like it'd require a lot of adjustments on both our parts bc we is both weird and oddly particular all in all either he'd have to love me a whole lot to make us work or i think the sex would keep us together for a good 3-4 months before he realizes it's not worth it but i would stay in korea for at least a year like i could nOt show my face back in america any sooner than that. (side note: i think if i let him provide for me we'd be super compatible tbh but then we'd be more like besties instead of bf gf) approximate success rate: 46%

oh lawd wit tae i'd have to battle with the dog like i think we could live together but me and tannie would be mortal enemies he’d be my sworn nemesis like straight up dr doofenshmirtz and perry the platypus the way we’d be at each other’s throats bc all he gotta do is turn his neck backwards and hit me wit dat judgmental glare one time and i’m ready to square up but tae seems like the type fall in love very hard so if he’s asking me to move to korea for him he’s willing to make it work and frfr all i gotta do is take yeontan out on a walk one good time he gon get tired bout halfway through and then look for me to hold him and that'll settle most of our differences we may not be best friends but we'll have come to an understanding then all that's left to do is work on tae like get him to get the dog off his mouth off the table and out the kitchen and it's smooth sailing fr i feel like he'd alternate between being super clingy and kinda distant which would be a little frustrating a little irritating but we could cope like if we could just get through that adjustment period it'd be fine. approximate success rate: 72%

if i was with joonie i think the most source of contention would be over decoration like y'all know me and u know them ugly little couch pillows would have to be the first thing to go LOL but after that like okay i wouldn't try to take over but i would just need a space for me that feels like my own that i belong there not just be amongst one of his hyperfixations y'know? like he just has so much art in his place we would need to edit it down so i wouldn't feel like i'm constantly living in an exhibition paint the walls get some more plants bring some life into the place but other than that i think me and joonie would get along really well like we would probably nag at each other about little habits that irritate us but i can't foresee anything being too serious approximate success rate: 84%

hobi's another one i feel like i couldn't live with immediately LOL like i would 100% irk his nerves jfslsls he'd be nagging me to put my clothes in the hamper, put them away, stop leaving stuff around, etc. bc like i'm soooo good at keeping common areas clean not a problem but my room? i'm just always in such a mad dash to get to the bed that i just be leaving stuff anywhere be rushing like my bed gon get up and run away if i'm not in it within 30 seconds of entering the room so it do be junky and also i'm a go with the flow person and imma be ready to take a nap and hobi gonna pop up with some furniture polish and a swiffer talking about it's dusting day and imma lose it like we just need some time before we take that step sklfksd but other than that our relationship would be perfect?? like he's end game for sure we would eventually move in together and live happily after approximate success rate: 87%

my precious baby seokjin lawd i love and miss him so much need him expeditiously oh god missing seokjin hours just hit bc i'm thinking about how perfect he would be for me 😭 like moving in general is a lot but moving to a whole nother country is something else entirely and i think he'd just be so kind and thoughtful about the whole thing like i feel like he'd already have me a room in his place cleared out??? and would just give me a whole lot of space to just exist like helping me unpack and decorate however i like however long it takes not crowding around me when i'm overwhelmed letting me invade his space when i'm feeling clingy cooking me meals like he just seems like he'd try his very very best to make sure i'm comfortable and having fun the entire time like i'm sorry this is just my man and we're meant to be <333 approximate success rate: 95%

jimin is so caring and so sweet and i love that about him but that might be the thing that drive me up the wall like his care might just be a little overbearing for me and like i’d be his girl he tryna make sure i’m straight but if i say i’m good i’m good even if i’m not like imma need a minute and he not gonna wanna give it to me gonna wanna talk about everything all the time but imma need time to process everything before talking about anything and he might not get that at first so there would be some tension but after we’re able to align my introversion with his extroversion everything would be great and i think he’d accept my mess and i’d accept his and then we would get tired of being messy and push each other to be better i also can see a lot of cuddling and watching youtube on tv approximate success rate: 78%

finally there’s yoongi my twin flame <333 with him we'd probably already have a discussion about living together simply bc it's more convenient and economical to do so but the relationship...... it's like we might as well have not met online LOL like it'll be soooo awkward at first like it's gon take 3-4 weeks to really warm up to each other in person like he'll cook me breakfast and then when i sit down to eat with him he just not gonna look me in the eyes and i'll just be trying my best to be quiet and out of the way trying not to be seen or heard so he won't throw me away and then literally just one day it'll click we'll be like what are we doing and why and then all of a sudden we kissing cuddling he's taking me to his studio arm wrapped around my waist like we gonna go from being acquaintances to having old married couple vibes overnight and honestly i'm here for that comfort and familiarity the only thing i can see being a problem is that ion like to initiate conflict like if u start it imma finish but i ain't throwing the first punch but he seems to be more mature than me in that aspect so as long as he helps me to keep a line of communication open i can't see a reason why we would ever break up approximate success rate: 93%

sorry for using ur question as a catalyst for my delusion

[nochi-quinn]

legend of vox machina watch party episodes 10-12: non-fungible thordak

"she's not having any of our shit tonight"

did matt get a haircut

"you're not leaving 'til 2 am, bitch"

"are you a vampire coven?" "if taliesin were here we could talk about it"

episode 10 act 4 part 3

"this is where we forgot to draw the city"

liam fangirling his own show

"OPE he lost his fingers"

"stop SPOILING. there's gonna be ACTION in the show."

"the tree piece in this game is really OP"

"shitty vox machina came in to ruin their Warhammer game"

"I forget which animals are fused with humans."

"shut UP matt"

"shout out - oh shit he's in the room"

"you slapped porkchops for like hours"

why does that sound like a euphemism

"I feel like that'd be it for me"

"matt mercer is mean!" "I didn't spend hours building those toothpick barricades for nothing!"

"that's why we named her pike"

"is there no basement? there is not"

bassment

I love how much they love their show. I know I was poking at liam earlier but it genuinely is so charming

"same arrow! that's called being responsible"

phil defending his poor herdsmen

"you guys are VIOLENT"

"TOP ROPE"

"spoilers!" maybe it'll be different on my screen

"and they were correct"

I FORGOT HE ONLY HAD ONE HITPOINT

recklegreweapomastah

"you sound like you've had your ass kicked" environmental storytelling

"there's a z-pack in there somewhere"

"zanror, needlessly hot" liam is fully horny on main tonight

"are they brothers like neptune and uranus were cousins"

"but I was born in canada"

"I actually had to shit myself for that line" "we all did"

"it's fun! and also disgusting!"

"let's not psychoanalyze me tonight"

"keyleth is the cutest" glad we're all in agreement

matt is all of us

"get a JOB leave him ALONE"

"she's bullying vax" "you're not wrong"

"he's doing the whole band" how else are you gonna get backstage

"we had to cut things from other episodes to get in 'at dawn we plan'" good

you are now Neutral with The Herd

release the underwear bible

"it is a square"

"you know what's weird? watching this scene with your kids"

"HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS" "it was very difficult"

"did you have to have a talk about bondage and safety?!"

"we have…DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES"

COLOR SCRIPT COFFEE TABLE BOOK

GIMME

that's a cool band logo

oh NO

matt broke all over again

listen sometimes you just have to have a mental breakdown, it's good for your mental health

"we asked! we forgot."

"turkey vulture!"

"in a week we can talk about it. …something else bad will happen by then." my life for the past year and a half

sam: let me make this as awkward as possible so it can only get better from here

"you write a creepy thing and you feel guilty about it" "critical role"

the writers were on top of that one

"we talk all the time you guys"

"none of this should be happening"

"see, now chat's mad at you"

SAM

THAT was liam?!

I'm turning in my voice actor fan card

"you're gonna be the guy they hit"

the fact that he wasn't doing a low bass was why I didn't clock him tbh

"take that, vegeta"

EPISODE ELEVEN

"seventy-five!" "eighty-three!" "hike!"

OH the mugs!

samuel

"beautiful nonsense scene"

travis slapping sam's hand away from the edits

"what you did is bad!"

"THIS IS A GOOD SHOW"

"I'm sure it's fine"

"this is taliesin's front yard, actually"

"look what they did to my boy"

"campaign 4 reference, shh"

"kiss him, vax"

I looked up the show sam and liam referenced, it aired 92-93. I was 4.

umbrasyl listens to linkin park, it's canon

"he's a lot less menacing if you think of him as a whiny kid" there's a lot of that in that last fight

"award-winning awkwardness"

"ashley did not have to act here"

"I think taliesin wrote some of this bullshit"

"if you'd stop FEEDING THEM"

"cut my heart out" liam gets me

"blood pools are my kink"

"it's capri-sun, it's fine"

"it's a discotek at night"

"I've had this dream" I have been blessed to not have drowning dreams, if that changes now I'm fighting matt in the street

between the two of them liam and courtenay voiced half of new vegas

matt drop the raven queen lore

matt you have to tell sam's kids it's the law

"is it YOU?"

not the creepy cg mask

"he's just a little dork!" accurate

percy 100% would have been a train nerd

why did liam's mic pick up him knocking on his head so clearly

very cool that they built the trap in 3d

"this is basically a documentary"

"HO DAMN"

"he goes INVISIBLE?!"

phil with the list of the names

that, that "can't hit what you can't see" felt very adolescent to me

"some said longer, some said shorter" "we disregarded both!"

"the only episode this season where we end on a cliffhanger"

"episode 47 down"

travis I heard you echo that "duty"

remembering that liam went through all of this while dealing with his mother's death

matt: like comment and subscribe

"if you don't do it you'll turn into a squidface" "that's season 3"

"for some people that's a plus"

I don't know why I like the phrasing "deity version" so much

"there's love there!"

the way he says "conversations" means those two have definitely had at least one fistfight over canon

DARGINS

weasel dragon

Dragon Department

CEO of Dragons

I want "Dragon Team" on my resume

"because percy invented the metric system"

"it's canon now"

17 de Rolos

UMBRASSYL

"chat wants you to show - " "your muscles"

"I practice in the car so my neighbors don't call 911"

EPISODE TWELVE

hope devouwewer

"I want a pink dragon that spits out glitter"

"back inside that bad dragon" liam no

watch out for that treeeee

"but HOW THOUGH" sam gets me

"always bring a healer" stares at laura

"when the raven from the opening went by I fell out of the chair"

"you don't have to choose one" mica/percy/vax polycule

embiggened vestige

umbrasyl on 3G

"YOU'RE NOT MY DAD"

travis keeps catching himself from saying "d&d" and says "ttrpg"

"that's just liam just talking to me"

"kiss her you fool"

scanlan as paul rudd makes 100% sense and I hate it

"RUDE. UNNECCESARY. didn't have to do it and did it anyway"

vex can't feel vax bc gatshadow's made of lead

"ancient dragon, he can do what he wants"

"we had another ending in case we didn't get a season 3 where scanlan ran and everyone died" "whAT?"

"why would you DO THAT TO ME"

liam stop saying bad dragon

"ANIME YELL"

to make an omelette you have to crack a few scanlans

"that's a scrabble word"

"the theme….but slow"

"it's all hue lights"

wait WHAT

rewatches every previous yennen scene

"she could have written a letter" but the mail fraud

age has only done amazing things to cree summer's voice

"what porpoise"

"to go do Vegas"

"put it all on red"

"I'm putting it all into bitcoin"

"he's a cryptobro" "he IS the big bad!"

"you don't get the egg, but there's a code for each individual egg"

I made the poor decision to drink liquids during the watch party again

"that's that thing that I said!"

you know what it makes me think of lernie from hades

this is not a complaint

GOD I mentioned an artbook and now I want it so bad

thordak: talking mad shit for someone in thagomizer range

sketchy vax wings?!

sketchy vax wings!!

"it's not over for all you lefthanded people"

"my wife's a lefty and every morning I say the same thing"

"don't worry laura, you'll be something someday"

The Internets

where's that comic that always makes me cry with the AWNP lines over That Counterspell

matt dropped out of art school to be a rules lawyer

ghibli keyleth!!

cASSeteria

"now you've made me sad" "GOOD"

"fifteen seasons and a movie trilogy"

"he's the EP so he said he gets the killing blow"

"is that you writing" "he uses a typewriter"

"oh god I have to do this again"

[soir-rouges-esprit]

xxxv.a: The Red, On the way back home, me and M listen to music and chat further about everything were gonna do when we get back home. How lifes changed in more ways than one. I'd imagine lot's are about to change on her end … and not in a very stable nor beneficial way either. “Because she's rushing it?” Because she is rushing it, yeah. “Mrs.Van even wanting to attack K Industries is strange as it is right? If things are so bad territory-wise that she's needing to fight off goons like Alzon, Then why in the hell would she also want to attack K?” I don't know … I'll admit and say It hasn't crossed my mind fully, just lots have taken place with her in the past couple years that have kind of forced her hand here, at least with Alzon … The K thing … I mean don't get me wrong, she's had it out for them since me and J were slinging bricks of hash for her in our school backpacks, she's always protested them … but to act now … indeed leaves open some speculation as to what else or what truly is going on here. “Yeah, could it be she knows she's not long for this fuckin earth the old hag? Maybe she's just trying to go down in a blazing firefight and take as many with her as she can” certainly wouldn't put it past her … hope I'm not dragged Into that shit fest. “Realistically speaking here, we need to get back home and contact a few network companies, or gain access to some of their wider-reaching networks” why so? “If we can gain access to even a single network company's base, aka their list of clients, data usage/device IDs and IPs … we could control a lot of the battlefield here in the future, or at least find some of your key targets via cross references from basic information I'm sure Mrs.Van or a goon of hers can get us … we can hit Alzon strategically, let him and his operation bleed out rather than brute force attack his entire cartel at once.” Right, saving us time, money, and men. I can definitely contact her mini surveillance team once we are back and see what they'd be willing to help with, ask her permission etc, I'll have to talk to her anyways … need to figure out what's next here, and try and argue J out of at least the dangerous steps to come … which I know he's gonna fuckin hate. “If he were smart he'd be thankful you know? I'm not to keen on why it has to be him you're working with to begin with. Like I get it from a trust standpoint from Mrs.Van's perspective, but does she really not have anyone else more professional? He's a loose cannon and as previously stated … an idiot! … If she wants this all to go smoothly she needs to set you up for success, not take risks like this.” Yeah … I don't get it much either … J is oddly cooperative and focused on the job I'll say, and he does have his moments of genius on the field, but … I don't know … it's more complicated I suppose. I won't argue with her viewpoint and say she's wrong about him being kind of a support/buff to me and my work ethic/effectiveness … as odd … as that may sound. He and I were good at what we did in truthfulness because the other was there, and sometimes our minds did yeah clash on ideal situations and how to handle things, but our differing views also offered us different opportunities and perspectives on things otherwise lost to us alone … or well … flat out would have landed either of us decades in prison for fucking up and getting caught etc. “Mmm … if you say so. I don't like it … he's gonna get you killed, then I'm gonna have to kill him … then Knights will have to revenge kill me! … see how bad this is?” Tsch … yeah yeah, trust me I want nothing more than to keep us both out of any trouble. How would we get into one of these network companies anyway? ... [To Be Continued]

[writingtotheuniversee]

My room is home to the dust and sadness, Moldy air conditoners, and built up cat hair. My room is home to unorganized thoughts, scattered parts of me, ripped posters, and lonliness. It is home to depression, and the behaviors of a dysfunctional being. My bed is a mess. There are garbage bags filled with clothes underneath, ripped with clothes falling out of them. There is dust and cat litter, random other things and things I thought I lost. My shelves have holes in them, my funkos look like shit on them. I have books upon books that are all slanted. I have a couch table in here and a box of pads just sitting on top. My bed is small, smushed against my desk and the wall. My desk is covered in dust, my keyboard is filthy. There is so much stuff on it, stuff that I thought would make me feel good being able to see it displayed. My boyfriend is clean, His room pristine. His mom makes sure of this. He has a dresser and a closet to hang things. He has a job and money to buy things. He is able to drive, even if short distances. He is 30. There's a suit case by the door, and a target shopping bag next to it filled with Phone cases. I live in my sadness, I am it. Part of me wishes I could cement my body to the room floor. I know I will die as I lived. Miserable, Alone, Filthy, Chubby, Unhealthy. Why? it seems so easy to change it all other's say. For me? It feels like so much. Doing simple things feels like too much, and no one understands this. So I live in filth. I live in disgust, I live out of garbage bags because I chose to. I was much too lazy to fold things everyday and put them nicely in either of my wash baskets. I have a cat, a son, and he has to live like this. I am depressed. I am angry. I am dying. I breathe in the mold. The dust an cat hair. I'm allergic. Why do I care for myself so little? That I have allowed myself to live like this when there are those who have so much less. Why? When I am human. When I do human things? I really hate myself this much? That I'd allow myself to live in this condition that can be helped? I don't even shower everyday anymore. I used to be really proud of myself for at least that. I don't anymore. I entered this relationship and stopped. I did lose a part of myself. Fear, anxiety riddled ass I know myself as nothing more. I only become less, soon I'll be dead too. I just hope by then I can leave behind great things to remember me by.

I go downstairs to talk to my mom about how sad my room makes me. She pretty much tells me to go away, and to not throw everything out. I ran to her...when I know I wasn't going to receive kindness and comfort but I hoped. It's really time to stop hoping now. Our dog is dying, with only a few months to live. She deserved better. She was never taken out on walks when we all could've. I could've taken her. We destroy everything, and make our pets sad. I'm no different then the rest of them. I push away. I leave. I hate. I get mad. I argue. I assume. I am all that I hate. I run. I had a dream and my ex was there. He said he wanted me back. When I grabbed his hands I felt that familiar feeling. That something I was used to, but I didn't want it. I didn't like that I felt more comfortable with him than with my current partner. I didn't like that I felt myself melting. I wonder now if I fully moved on. It was only a year ago where one ended and one began. There was no time. I sang sad songs everyday, and messaged him everyday wishing he'd respond. I should leave. Turn off my lights, and walk into the night. If only I didn't have anyone depending on my living. If only I knew my son wouldn't be looking for me. I really don't know if I wanna live, or if I'm just living for others. So I think of the half way down, jumping off and wondering how fast it'd be. Hoping that I don't survive only to feel the pain of hitting concret with extreme force. Christmas is next week, yet another year I approach it with sadness. Only this time, the first time, I can't say I'm proud that I made it another year. I'm already dead, the only difference is a pulse. I have no impact on the world. I have nothing to be remembered for. I don't really live, and no friends to really miss me. To miss my hugs or the way I'd laugh. Em understands but then again, she doesn't. Things I don't tell her. I don't tell her how bad my mind is. I don't tell her how I think, and how sickening it can get. My partner is sweet and his eyes are kind. He should move on. I'm sure his family will be bursting with glee. I'm a nescience, and god I'm so sorry. Even if I don't end my life, I can leave other peoples lives. Truly they don't need me, it's always been me needing them. I won't end my life, I'll just continue dying slowly. Is there anything I know I'd miss? The smell of burning wood, and a christmas light display. Saying I love you, and losing myself in other stories. I'll miss the sound of music. But above all, I'll miss the person I thought I could be... I'm really sorry I let you down young me. I failed you...

[urionstandby]

hi everyone! how r u doing?

i was looking for some advice here, to anyone that might know what to do. just in case this topic is triggering for someone, im gonna talk abt psychiatric medication, mention mental hospitals, some abuse and several other mental issues. im not gonna get into detail but please, if any of these things will make u feel bad, don't read this. I just really don't know what to do.

i had some issues from when I was twelve til I was like 17, when i started getting a lot better. I was in a mental hospital at twelve, fifteen and sixteen, a month and a half each time. I was given a serious diagnosis at twelve and plenty doctors told me later in life (pretty late honestly) that it totally wasn't that. also, every brain scan I've ever had showed no symptoms of this condition that would have totally appeared on the images.

for context, the place I grew up in was a total nightmare. not gonna go into detail as I said in the beginning, but it had to do a lot with the fact that my mother was neglecting me, emotionally and also verbally abusing me from a very young age, and it didn't help at all that she had a lot of boyfriends she'd bring to live with us after only a month of knowing them (since I was four till I decided to gain some inner and mental peace and got a job and moved out, this happened). so the first time I was addmited to the mental hospital, I discovered there a safe place where I was heard and cared for, also a routine and stability I had never had (for more context, at nineteen years old I moved houses about ten times, that I can remember obviously).

so, I been on different medications for the last seven years. the final diagnosis was this thing where my mood can shift from being very happy to very sad (not bipolar disorder), supposedly being about my brain chemistry and not about the fact that I've been on survival mode since my birth until I finally left my mother's house and moved with my father (a very loving, patient and caring man that showed me what compassion and true care really felt like). plenty of doctors told me that I don't really need the medication at all right now, and also I don't have the best psychiatrist honestly. she never really texts me to see how I'm doing or to call me, the only times we talk are when I text her to get my prescription or when I'm feeling down and need to talk. she is being paid for doing nothing basically.

three months ago, I moved in with what started as a three-person relationship, a girl and a boy. the girl turned out to be narcissistic and manipulative, something I learned to detect and stay away from based on my mother and past relationships. she hurt me and this boy a lot, phisically and emotionally, and then acted like it was our fault if we got sad or angry. anyway, with my boyfriend we discussed this and ended things with her, she moved out and we're living alone. it wasn't easy obviously. she wouldn't leave without screaming and saying very hurtful things, trying to turn my boyfriend and I against each other which clearly didn't work. I also would like to clarify that at least my boyfriend and I were very excited with all the future we were planing for the three of us, trying really hard to keep going even though things were very complicated and were making us so sad all the time. we truly loved her, and although I saw fairly quickly what she was all about, I would never get involved in my boyfriend's process and talk shit abt her with him, I would never want to feel like I'm getting in the way and trying to split us up. so I waited even if it hurt, every word and hit and every trigger she caused in both me and my boyfriend. and u may wonder, why did I stayed there after all that? simply bc of the loving boy that showed me some true and unconditional love I have never had; someone so sweet, patient, sensitive, kind, compassionate and so so empathic that hurting me will make him feel just as bad but won't even make it about him. the very few times it happened, he was able to apologize and recognize what he did wrong and most importantly, never did it again. I would never leave him alone in that situation, and what made him see all of this was seeing the way she hurt me, which also made him notice he felt the same way without me saying anything. it may sound like the bare minimum but honestly, I come from a very very abusive (in every way imaginable) past relationship were I was only worth my body and what I could do with it, just showing me the right amount of affection to make me stay there while he just got what he wanted: someone so broken and selfless that wouldn't care how many times she was truly hurt and would run to confront him even though he was the one who really messed up. I'm a lot better now about it, sometimes it hurts to think about those two years I stayed with him but at least now I can recognize the patterns and stay the hell away from them. (don't know if this is important, but I was 17 when we got together and he was 19).

so, now things are getting better, really better. it's so sad that the house feels so much lighter and filled with love and laughter since our ex girlfriend left, but it's also so relieving. my boyfriend and I are able to laugh and dance and love eachother every day although things weren't easy, proving that we are really stronger that anything that can happen.

it's important to mention that when I started taking my pills I was taking a very high dosage (two 100mg pills every day) and it was truly horrible. it only turned off my brain, made me feel absolutely nothing and really sleepy, unable to focus and unable to think straight. thanks to this, I missed all of my high-school years. I was there, but my brain wasn't. with the years and talking with my psychiatrist, I was able to take down the dosage to only a quarter of a 100mg pill. the thing is, in the almost three months I had been with my ex girlfriend, when I was taking half a pill, I missed it for one or two days at a time. sometimes because I forgot and when I remembered, it was late and I knew I wasn't going to wake up for another 16 hours like it always happens, and other times because I just didn't want my brain to shut off like that. it's so horrible that my body just keeps going until it gives up. and almost every time I took the pills, I suffered serious tics until my body gave up and I fell asleep. it was a nightmare. so, I talked to my psychiatrist and managed to take it down to a quarter. gonna be honest, I'm not taking them anymore. I had always hated them, but now I know that I went slowly with it and not suddenly, and that other therapists that really care told me I never really needed them (I just needed to get out of my house honestly. another nightmare I lived in for 18 years). as u can see, I hadn't had it any easy haha.

to make things worst, I started to work again in a very stressful job that keeps me away from home and my partner all day, that started to make me really depressed and so so tired. I wasn't feeling like this before, it all started with this job and as things are very complicated economically, I was willing to try and hold on. it was really turning me into a different person, I was being so impatient and sometimes desconsiderate with my partner, something I only realized after I said some things and got so hurt that I would ever say it and make my partner feel that way. I'm not the kind of person to not think before I talk, and I would never ever hurt anyone intentionally, even less if it's my wonderful boyfriend. I was also feeling so distanced from him and from the only place I could call a home and a safe place, and that hurt so much.

I take a bike for work, and two days ago when I was going to the afternoon shift (I worked morning and afternoon, with enough time to go home at 14:30 pm and stay there for half an hour to eat and talk a bit with my partner before having to go back and come home around nine pm) I got hit by a motorcycle that was going fast and not really looking where they were going. the hit was bad, but at the moment with the adrenaline and the shock I just got up, carried my broken bike for eleven blocks and worked anyway. when I got there, I could barely lift my right arm and everything hurt so much. I was dizzy and felt like I had a fever, and I worked anyway. at night, i told my supervisor (that knew exactly what happened and how I was feeling) that I didn't know if I could go in at work the next day. she got mad that we're short-staffed and she wasn't being noticed with enough time, and forced me to go anyway. the next day (yesterday) I woke up and couldn't get up. I was so uncomfortable and crying from the pain, I actually been needing help getting dressed up, getting up and even going the bathroom and showering. when my boyfriend saw me like this, he talked some sense into stubborn me and I talked with my supervisor to let her know I couldn't go in that day, that I would be going to the hospital as soon as I could. she got really mad and told me that they didn't handle things that way there, and that we would need more organization.

my boyfriend took me to the er that day and we spent the whole day there, me crying from pain and exhaustion and barely moving without help. they gave me very strong medication that did nothing, so they had to put me into the emergency room and give me morphine, which only made me stop crying and feeling everything in my body except for my shoulder. also, in this whole hour I was with morphine and being mistreated by nurses (which had to put the morphine twice as the first time they did it so wrong my arm started to swell and hurt really bad) my partner couldn't even be there bc of the protocol, so I was alone and scared in a white room I found so recognizable with no battery on my phone to talk to my loved ones.

after being in the hospital for almost eight hours, I found out I have a fractured rib and a very badly hurt shoulder. I was prescribed the strongest medication they could give me and an orthopedic thing to cure my rib. I haven't been sleeping well because every position is either hurting me or extremely uncomfortable and not eating well because of the nausea from the two medications I'm taking. I talked to my mom (that tried to be helpful and payed for food and medication but in the process told me that I was exaggerating and other really, really hurtful things a parent should never say to their child even if they think they're joking) and she says that if I'm feeling down or having tics (that only come when I'm truly exhausted and not home) it's just because I suspended my medication. this got me thinking and after a rough night were I slept like five hours and had to wake up from the pain, I woke up so sad. so so sad. I get it after writing all of this that is comprehensible to feel this way, also because I'm probably getting fired and the economy in my country is in such a state that we would need serious help from my father and mother-in-law if I don't have the job. but it also makes me angry, because my boyfriend has been so wonderful with all of this. he has been caring for me and doing everything for me, even helping me to take my pants down to go to the toilet and showering me. also, he made things so easy and I was even laughing and feeling kinda good emotionally when I was with him. he never once made me feel bad about all the help I was getting (and needing so much help for everything is very hard for me, especially bc I was forced to do everything alone since I can remember, the only help I got later being thrown in my face and giving me so much guilt).

the question is, I don't really know if I'm feeling like this bc of my medication. I know I didn't quit taking them suddenly, my psychiatrist told me we could take the dosage down and I went really slowly with it. also as I said, plenty of doctors told me I didn't really need them and that my doctor was just giving them to me to get paid, not really caring about how I was really feeling. I was doing pretty well considering how things are going, and considering I was told all my life I could never live on my own or do basically anything on my own. I've acomplished so much in the last years that everyone that cares is so proud, and I am too.

it's just that after the comment my mother made, I'm kinda starting to feel she might be right. I've been honselty feeling very good in the last time without taking my pills, it's just the situation is so difficult. I don't ever want to take those pills again, they make my brain shut off all day and I can't enjoy anything. they weren't even making me feel good emotionally as they should, they just cancel every emotion.

also, my mother has a history of believing the really bad doctors over me just because they did and said what she wanted, and the only psychologists that were truly helping me and making me feel heard and making me see a lot of things were suddenly terrible and bad for me, so she forced me to change therapists again (one of the therapists I had that she never really let me stop seeing was on her phone during sessions, told me all the time I was exaggerating, and even told me when I was abused by my ex partner that boys are all like that and that I shouldn't leave him just for that. she was part of the reason I stayed with him for so long).

I don't really know what to do. I don't wanna go back to that job but the economy is just so complicated. should I let some time pass and see if I get better (emotionally and physically)? I'm so lost and so sad.

if you read all of this, thank you so much. my current psychologist isn't responding to my texts, she only tells me she'll see if she can give me a time for a session but never does. it might have to do with the fact that I couldn't pay for the last two (and very expensive) sessions because I have no money and no help from the mother who told me would pay for all of this. the therapist know all of this. so, I haven't had any psychological help either. please, if you could give me any constructive advice I would be so thankful. and also, if you're gonna comment, please be considerate, I'm in such a bad place right now I couldn't handle any more bad words.

again, thank u if u read all of this. take care of yourself, drink water and eat something and if u can, move a little. hope u are feeling well <3

[scentedchildnacho]

I did make it out of the crisis house but the staff was a gender too cosmetic for me to tolerate in response to crisis fight or flight responses...because it's one of the most annoying things for me to have doll house etiquette when a huge fat man tried to bump into me kind of running and push me down ...

They wouldn't try to hide me or make a game of it or anything it's annoying because it's not gay

So it took a very long time for the favoring of sexually active black chicks to stop being popped and fashioned before I could finally run away from a huge fat man that tried to push me down and priorly made sexual propositions I had to remind him was propositioning a mental....people so cocaine they don't control themselves anymore....like that huge fat man has to be reminded propesitioning disenfranchised people....is a felonny its not a joke and party mistake people use beauracracys to trap me here and state troopers dont find it funny to spread disease

You use 🆔 to trap me here without basic financialism then tried to push me down and rape me so if you aren't jailed you will be held incompetent and people who don't fear that don't respect their elders enough to hear their story

Fat....fat...maybe you will get to be called fat maybe you will have to be a prisoner of some sort for life

Anyway I admitted to staff I only think about them that mental staff is over bearing and stifling and it's rigid rules are partly why our lives and pointed at bags is so awfully done.....

You wouldn't give us a pass to do something personal and alone and to ourselves the whole time we are around and now those little black chicks room shares of mine look like a popped junky

How is she suppose to know current valuability

I was subtly called Jasmine Alexandra's guardian subtly because they kept knocking her out on a med and young guys kept wanting to touch her and kiss her this she said no to a lot and acted very perturbed and angry and she wouldn't leave till I did....

Fortunately Jasmine Alexandra went to a different program then my intent as I'm not a sympathetic audience to apologize to

I mostly found her hitting herself and manically buying online promotionals a mean girl stunt meant to try to kick my ass if the girl alleges theft

I mostly found her a mean heather valley girl jail bait that meant to cause me emotional manipulation.....and try to kick my ass

I didn't get upset because she did it to every woman or femme who came into the crisis center and they all had to just leave or have to be told your life is over the criminals are having a party

Jasmine went at all the guys also so I suspect it's to act like she is some girl and threaten them also....they wanted to spread disease jasmine couldn't pass her tb test....

Anyway I had to be really persistent that the problem is all genders for me and I have to go voluntarily to women only get a job just to donate my life to science or it's just destructive and sex harassive

There wasn't a woman's history month of importance here or lesbian philosophy of now you know those genders cannot be around one another

So I did persist and found a woman only shelter.......explaining there are a lot of jobs for the poor but studies of stalking with who can want to be a cook never leave poor women alone if it's poor women food never stops stalking my job profile

The world could be a much better place.....

[hungerandthirst]

second program done – grade 4s again but from a co-ed school

these kids were soooo different from last week’s angels – i think this was genuinely the worst listening ability i’ve ever seen in a group of kids. we never once had silence, it was impossible to get their attention. and it was kind of cute because they all just liked each other a lot and wanted to talk to each other all the time but holy shit. even one minute of actual listening was not achievable.

this group was also a little bit like “too cool for school” and many of them were referencing memes etc which is so sad and disorienting to see from 9 year olds…

that said, at the end of the program we did a gratitude activity and got really genuine answers about like food, nature, family/friends etc so obviously some things clicked. i also got real engagement and insightful answers after the sit spot with my group which was interesting because i honestly didn’t think they would be able to handle it. but sometimes they surprise you

i definitely started the week in a funk and would randomly sink into despair whenever i had a minute to myself. this is the first job i’ve had where i haven’t had coworkers who became true friends (it’s only been two weeks but my only coworkers are three people in the mid 30s to early 40s range who are all my direct superior…..) obviously that’s just lucky on my part but i think it’s actually taking a toll that i just do the work and then I’m completely alone and i’m the only new person and there’s nobody to just like chat shit and process the new working environment with. it feels like being an only child again – i dont know anything and the three of them know each other super well and people are nice to me but there’s nobody to hang out with. and this makes it harder for me to pull off the energy i need to engage kids for 14 hours a day because i have no outlet for anything when I’m there. it’s kind of lonely.

last weekend i was sooooo anxious about canoeing and my walkabout and i had literally no reason to be it was completely fine. canoeing actually kind of pissed me off because nobody gave me any instructions and the tide was sooooooo low that it was so difficult and chaotic to launch…. then when we were trying to raft up with the other canoes i meant to tell the left side to do something but i accidentally said right so we went the wrong way and it just felt so shitty idk. and then when we landed the tide was still so low and my boat hit a sandbar so I had to push us back out and try again to come in and my hiking boots got full of water and i was actually just in such a bad mood. ugghhhhh it was literally fine i just was pissed off

because of that my boots were wet for the entire program and it was so uncomfortable. and now I need to figure out what to do because they smell foul

the weather was unbelievable like it was sunny as they got off the ferry and then it started raining as soon as we launched the canoes an hour later. then it rained and was freezing for 48 hours straight until we did our closing circle and as soon as they got on the ferry to leave it was sunny again…. audacious weather

my poor kids were soaking wet and freezing and we still had to eat lunch outside and they kept asking me why we had to eat outside and i was like girl i literally have no idea. we’re trying to cram 50 people under this tiny tarp can we not just find somewhere to go under cover or indoors like this is insane.

on that note like we literally just need more staff. trying to run programs like this with a staff team of literally 4 people is insane. even just one extra set of hands would make a huge difference and they have no backup plan if somebody gets sick/injured

i’m worried that one of the teachers gave negative feedback about me on the evaluation forms??? there was just some weird specificity in handing out the forms in our debrief meeting that seemed like there was something about either me or one specific other staff member. and that’s fair because i don’t think i did my best work this week but i do wanna know and it sucks because I have THREE BOSSES and NO COWORKERS so everybody just gets to know except for me

i don’t even know like…. in this job i’ve experienced a range from “i like this” to “i actively dislike this” which has never really happened to me at a job like this before. I’ve never once been like wow i love this so much!!! and it’s unusual for my to not enjoy work/being outdoors to the point that i just want to go home. it has its redeeming moments for sure and it seems to get better as the week goes on but it’s hard to not have coworkers that aren’t my superior

my main boss said i was really funny and everybody liked the characters i did this week 👍

got my first pay check and not a moment too soon

i am really looking forward to my summer job w the whales and i have a zoom call with the team on monday so that’s something to look forward to

the program this upcoming week is a completely new curriculum in a completely new location so i’m basically starting from scratch…… sigh.

only 5 more programs babe… it’s fine