coffeenteadiaries

[coffeenteadiaries]

I'm sad with how things are, and am afraid for the future. It's incredibly stupid and beyond infuriating that this orange gets to make big descions that he's too dumb to make. What the fuck do you mean Gulf of america? what do you mean Elon is Nazi saluting?! What do you mean theres only going to be two genders? what do you mean by canceling already made appointments for citizenship?! I just...I hate that I know how people can follow this man child blindly. Pure ignorance and stupidity is what it is. Now trans individuals are having to go to court houses to collect personal documents for themselves. They don't feel safe, so many fucking people don't feel safe and I'm angry. I'm angry that No-knock warrents are being put back into place. Imagine these people just coming into YOUR house unnanounced. Imagine the fucking fear.

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I miss him. Holding him, and waking up to good morning kissess. I miss being able to look over and seeing him right there. Everyday I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking. On the verge of crying. I haven't really allowed myself to cry since Sin passed away, but even after I just couldn't. I don't know why...I just need to keep my mouth shut for awhile. I really hate this place...

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I went downstairs to hug you. I don't know if you're in pain, but I know you're struggling to breathe. You're still eating and drinking but I can tell that you're fading. You struggle to open your eyes, you're taking deep belly breaths and you've lost so much weight. This cancer is taking you so quickly, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the life you could've had but hadn't been given. I'm sorry that you don't get to live a full and happy life like you deserve.

I remember when you were a puppy and I had you sitting in my lap as I played my switch in the kitchen. I remember laying in my bed with you, you were so small. I remember when I'd pat on the arm of the couch and you'd jump up. I remember just giving you hugs and kisses when you would. I'm really going to miss you.

I went downstairs to hug you, and I went downstairs to say an early goodbye. I rubbed your shoulders and legs, caressed the swollen lympnodes and tried to hold back tears. As I hugged you I could smell a spot on your fur that smelled like moms perfume and I cried. Before this you had just sat there, but you leaned into me when I cried harder. I believe that it was your way of telling me that it'll be okay. Dogs really just know when their humans are hurting, you knew. I love you puppies, and it hurts so much to see you this way. I hope there is a doggy heaven, I hope that if there is another life that I'll be seeing you there!! I'm really really going to miss your loud an obnoxious bark, and the way you follow mom everywhere. I'm gonna miss you coming into the kitchen when you think someone's grabbing food. I'm just going to miss you so much. I don't want you to die but I know I can't stop this. I'm so sad, we all are. I love you puppies!! forever and ever.

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We may have to put Sin down today. She's belly breathing now, and her eyes are swollen. It's hard to just see her like this...

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It's a new day. I woke up this morning around 8 and immediately got to cleaning my room. There's more space in here now, more space to breathe. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to dust everything and make it look better than it does now.

Last night really was almost an official ending between him and I. It felt real, and it felt over. I couldn't let him go, selfishly I didn't know how. I left the ball in his court, thinking he'd leave the relationship because of all that's gone on. I fell asleep not long after the call ended. I watched a bit of Chip and Dale. I was sad, and I wanted to call him back. I didn't.

I fell asleep and wad woken uo by the sound of him calling me and of course I answered. I was so relieved to hear his voice, I could breathe again. We said we loved each other amongst other things, and god what he aaid meant so much to me. I love him, I do. I don't wish to run away from him...I never did. I think this is the relationship I can heal in, his warmth just...I just need to melt into it. His hugs and his kisses. I no longer care about what went on with his mom and his family. I almost lost him, but he stayed. I feel like I've been giving a second shot to make this all right, that we both have. We love eaxh other so much, and it's about time I show him without fear of rejection. Without holding back. It's okay to be happy...it is. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

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My room is home to the dust and sadness, Moldy air conditoners, and built up cat hair. My room is home to unorganized thoughts, scattered parts of me, ripped posters, and lonliness. It is home to depression, and the behaviors of a dysfunctional being. My bed is a mess. There are garbage bags filled with clothes underneath, ripped with clothes falling out of them. There is dust and cat litter, random other things and things I thought I lost. My shelves have holes in them, my funkos look like shit on them. I have books upon books that are all slanted. I have a couch table in here and a box of pads just sitting on top. My bed is small, smushed against my desk and the wall. My desk is covered in dust, my keyboard is filthy. There is so much stuff on it, stuff that I thought would make me feel good being able to see it displayed. My boyfriend is clean, His room pristine. His mom makes sure of this. He has a dresser and a closet to hang things. He has a job and money to buy things. He is able to drive, even if short distances. He is 30. There's a suit case by the door, and a target shopping bag next to it filled with Phone cases. I live in my sadness, I am it. Part of me wishes I could cement my body to the room floor. I know I will die as I lived. Miserable, Alone, Filthy, Chubby, Unhealthy. Why? it seems so easy to change it all other's say. For me? It feels like so much. Doing simple things feels like too much, and no one understands this. So I live in filth. I live in disgust, I live out of garbage bags because I chose to. I was much too lazy to fold things everyday and put them nicely in either of my wash baskets. I have a cat, a son, and he has to live like this. I am depressed. I am angry. I am dying. I breathe in the mold. The dust an cat hair. I'm allergic. Why do I care for myself so little? That I have allowed myself to live like this when there are those who have so much less. Why? When I am human. When I do human things? I really hate myself this much? That I'd allow myself to live in this condition that can be helped? I don't even shower everyday anymore. I used to be really proud of myself for at least that. I don't anymore. I entered this relationship and stopped. I did lose a part of myself. Fear, anxiety riddled ass I know myself as nothing more. I only become less, soon I'll be dead too. I just hope by then I can leave behind great things to remember me by.

I go downstairs to talk to my mom about how sad my room makes me. She pretty much tells me to go away, and to not throw everything out. I ran to her...when I know I wasn't going to receive kindness and comfort but I hoped. It's really time to stop hoping now. Our dog is dying, with only a few months to live. She deserved better. She was never taken out on walks when we all could've. I could've taken her. We destroy everything, and make our pets sad. I'm no different then the rest of them. I push away. I leave. I hate. I get mad. I argue. I assume. I am all that I hate. I run. I had a dream and my ex was there. He said he wanted me back. When I grabbed his hands I felt that familiar feeling. That something I was used to, but I didn't want it. I didn't like that I felt more comfortable with him than with my current partner. I didn't like that I felt myself melting. I wonder now if I fully moved on. It was only a year ago where one ended and one began. There was no time. I sang sad songs everyday, and messaged him everyday wishing he'd respond. I should leave. Turn off my lights, and walk into the night. If only I didn't have anyone depending on my living. If only I knew my son wouldn't be looking for me. I really don't know if I wanna live, or if I'm just living for others. So I think of the half way down, jumping off and wondering how fast it'd be. Hoping that I don't survive only to feel the pain of hitting concret with extreme force. Christmas is next week, yet another year I approach it with sadness. Only this time, the first time, I can't say I'm proud that I made it another year. I'm already dead, the only difference is a pulse. I have no impact on the world. I have nothing to be remembered for. I don't really live, and no friends to really miss me. To miss my hugs or the way I'd laugh. Em understands but then again, she doesn't. Things I don't tell her. I don't tell her how bad my mind is. I don't tell her how I think, and how sickening it can get. My partner is sweet and his eyes are kind. He should move on. I'm sure his family will be bursting with glee. I'm a nescience, and god I'm so sorry. Even if I don't end my life, I can leave other peoples lives. Truly they don't need me, it's always been me needing them. I won't end my life, I'll just continue dying slowly. Is there anything I know I'd miss? The smell of burning wood, and a christmas light display. Saying I love you, and losing myself in other stories. I'll miss the sound of music. But above all, I'll miss the person I thought I could be... I'm really sorry I let you down young me. I failed you...

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I finished House. What a show honestly, I really enjoyed it just like I did back when. I was a teen the last time I watched it, but at the time I was with someone super shitty so I think that kinda contributed to me blocking a lot of the show out. I don't even really remember lost. I will actually miss the show. It was nice to have it there to fill the hours with something other than silence. I think now I'll go back to watching Voyager and try not to think about how messed up my life really is. I was just peeing and thought of how my mom still treats her dying dog like shit, and how we don't even have the christmas tree up. Everything sucks...god it sucks, and it hurts and I hate it. I just wanna scream

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I feel like I'll probably end up sleeping all day again. I don't have much energy to get up and really do anything, the loneliness is settling in. I asked myself why I never just laid in his arms and looked up at him. I'm left asking myself a bunch of questions...

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I'm leaving tomorrow, and the regret is settling in. Why couldn't I have hugged him more? Kissed him longer. Why was I mad for 5 weeks? In my head for 5 weeks? Losing my mind for 5 weeks? I know I'm mentally unwell, I just never wanted it to get to the point of me no longer being able to function. Some days I feel like I'm just here, not knowing what day it is. I feel foggy and strange, questioning if reality is reality. My brain is so fried, and now there's going to be more? Sin may have cancer, my mom might over do it with meds even more and we have to deal with that. I don't know how? I just don't know anymore. I need help, I need someone to talk to. I feel so alone, I wonder why I even bother checking my phone. I'm just alone in my mind, bi polar and anxious. I'm stuck, and I'm scared. Nobody truly understands that I'm just so tired...

[coffeenteadiaries]

We didn't break up. We always come close to an ending but neither of us truly wants that. We barely even started, or gave this a fair chance. We self sabotage and over think, I don't know if him and I are all that different. I just want to give this a chance, I wanna try everything before giving up. I know I'm a lot, with all the back and forth. My mental illnesses become so much, I know it's a lot. I just need to figure out a way to be here in this with him. I need to start working on myself, and he needs to as well. We both have to try...

[coffeenteadiaries]

It seems like so much is happening at once, I'm overwhelmed to say the least. It's very likely that Sin has cancer. 90% of Cancer 10% of infection. My mom is not doing great, and much like my sister said she may end up taking too much of her meds again. Before this I thought my mom may have had cancer too, but she never went to get seen so we may never know until it's too late.

It's just a lot...

[coffeenteadiaries]

I'm awake with a headache, feeling like the world really is saying fuck you. My relationship may very well be ending, I held him but he hasn't turned to hold me during the night. I'm afraid that neither of us can avoid letting his family ruin this. I'm just not happy here, I wish I could be. Is it me? Am I just not allowing myself to be? Or am I just so exhausted, and feeling like he may never stop lying? I ask myself how could he lie knowing that it hurts me? When I told him I'd leave if he continued. I just feel insane...

[coffeenteadiaries]

Dear me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of the years I've let you down, and for how poorly I've treated you. I'm sorry that instead of caring for you, I've constantly put you through hell. I'm sorry that we've pushed people away, and that at times we truly believe the world would be better off. I'm sorry that dying was ever a thing on your mind. I'm sorry that I found it way easier to hate you due to believing other peoples lies. I'm sorry, you deserved and deserve so much more. When you were seven it was your first time ever thinking of taking your life. "What if I just...stepped out into the road? In front of this passing car?" I'm sorry you ever felt that urge. You're suffering. We're suffering. I miss my younger years, what a fool I'd been for wishing to be older. I've learned that being 18 and 23 are really no different. A few drinks here an there are nice, romance can be too, but I find myself missing 2nd grade. I might've been making snowflakes out of paper, or participating in the gift exchange. I was bullied then too, but I still really miss it. I miss waving goodbye to my mom before school, and I miss putting my legs up on the desk bars. Some games of simon says or heads up seven up. That one kid who lets it rip in the middle of class, and we all start laughing. I miss knowing I was gonna be alright I suppose. Now it's just a guessing game. I've grown up and realized that being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. I rushed so much, and I deeply regret it. I'm sorry to myself for growing up too fast.

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So I feel different today. I was still a bit meh, but I was more open and wanting to be affectionate. I didn't feel as numb, but I don't wanna jinx anything. I got upset with a friend because I was looking forward to telling her my plans for a character in our story, but when I called she sounded annoyed. I just hung up, and that was it.

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I'm up early this morning. I slept for most of the day yesterday so of course I'd be up quite early. These last few weeks have been exhausting, part of me knows I shouldn't have stayed as long. Him and I almost broke up so many times, asking ourselves where to go next. We're trapped in this self sabotaging loop, both of us are so afraid of messing up that we do in the end. I'm not gonna say it was only him that damaged our relationship because it wasn't. The lying is triggering, and sent me down several spirals. I don't trust him, but I want to trust him. I want to think theres a chance for us, past all of this. I wanna believe that we can grow stronger from this, but then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for thinking of the what ifs. Feeling like I'd be missing out on happiness if I stayed, like I may not get it here. It's true that I'm letting his family get to me again, it's hard not to. I can't wear his clothes, I can't leave a soda for myself. I can't change too often, and I can't eat late. I can't wear regular clothes to bed. It's exhausting feeling like somehow I became a child of theirs.

I just have such an ugly feeling, such a feeling of uneasiness. I've had it for awhile, since everything with my brother but now it's so much worse. The trauma is so loud, and its consuming me. I don't even know who I am anymore, and all of this crap with his family hasn't helped at all. I wonder if that's why I had that dream yesterday, the dream of returning to my childhood home. Maybe I went back trying to find myself there, hoping that I could find the missing pieces. I don't think the medicine is helping, and I think I should take myself and my life more seriously. It's worrying to feel this far away from reality, to feel like I'm always on auto pilot. Love. I hate that I can't focus on him, and I feel guilty for keeping him around. I'm losing myself, or maybe I already have.

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I had a dream that I went back to my childhood home. Sometimes we'll drive past it, and I always get emotional thinking about going back in again. In this dream I was able to go inside. It looked different, rooms had been moved but when I went inside mine I saw that old closet shelf, I cried. I looked for my sisters room but they ended up changing it, it was closed off to put something else in. Then I saw the fridge, and underneath pictures were actually some of us. Apparently the family knew we had been kicked out and wanted to at least keep us there in some way. I just cried harder. When I think about going back I just feel like crying. It was a nightmare living there, but it was also the first home that I remember. I miss it deeply, and I actually miss how things were. I miss spending time with my sister and watching her play wow.

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He was going to let me go. The door was open for me, but his eyes were so sweet. His voice was fragile, I kept asking if that meant there was no allowing me to run back. To this, he struggled to answer. He asked me if being with him makes me miserable, I told him yes. His lies of course didn't help thingd, but most of all I've been trying to run from his family. I can't even wear his clothes anymore. Don't do this, and don't do that. Make the bed perfectly, she pours out my drink. It's so overwhelming being here, being around these people who are incredibly toxic. I told him that I thought of asking for an open relationship. I told him that I thought of the what ifs, and possibly depriving myself of being with a girl. Is that what I truly want? I feel guilty, I can't even tell my own feelings. I'm feeling nothing but anxious. That's mostly what I feel now. Just this incredible sense of uneasiness. I have forgotten how to relax. I'm just so tired...but do I still want to die? How do I stop myself? How can I let love in? How do I not be afraid? I don't know. I just don't know...I need guidance. I need help...I'm not sure I'm sane anymore...