#“I don’t really have truama” says me

[revasserium]

can i have one were zoro realises she does things bc of truama (like doesnt speak much etc)

hold me (still)

opla!zoro; 6,680 words; slow!!!!burn, fem!reader, ex-assassin!reader, straw hat!reader, general tragic backstory/trauma, fluff, hurt/comfort, bit of angst, emotionally constipated zoro, communication? what's that?, nami playing therapist bc she's the only one with 1 iota of emotional intelligence

summary: sometimes, stillness is a virtue, and others -- a tragedy. or, in which the straw hats pick up a new member and zoro is equally intrigued and weirded out by you.

a/n: well. you guys asked for slow burn and... the burn is so slow u gotta squint to see the smoke yall. but trust. the burn does get there! pls be patient!! and i tried to combine 2 dif reqs in this one fic :)

You are of the quiet sort. Just a shadow dancing in the periphery of their vision, and when they first met you, you’d told them it was your superpower, a soft, still smile slipping across your lips. Luffy had bought into it immediately, and the invitation was out his mouth before anyone could stop him.

“Come with us!”

“Oh…” your lips pressed into a thin line of consideration.

Zoro’s fingers itched towards his swords because something about you makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. But something else — something uncomfortable and strange, something very much like curiosity — seizes his chest and twists his stomach. Strange, he thinks, too strange.

“C’mon! It’ll be fun!”

And then, you’d smiled wider, and nodded, and that had been that.

It’s been three months since then, and you are still of the quiet sort, though it had receded a bit with time. What with Sanji’s gentle flirting and Usopp’s not-so-gentle stories and Nami’s bright, dry-humored companionship, you’d begun to “open up a bit”, so Luffy observed.

Zoro, for his part, has kept his distance. Because sometimes he still catches you at the bow of the ship, staring out across the midnight waters, still as a stone-carved statue. Still as a wooden beam — stiller, even.

“What’s with that?” he asks one day, strolling up to Nami as she traces a fine line over a new map she’s working on.

“Hm?” is her very eloquent response.

Zoro ticks his tongue against his teeth and casts his eyes about the ship, finding them drawn to the shape of you, up at the bow again, reading in the shade of the tangerine trees. Nothing moves except for the wind as it whisps through your hair and the slow scanning of your eyes as it skates across the page.

“New girl,” Zoro says, crossing his arms as Nami finally looks up at him and then off towards you.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

Zoro lets out a puff of breath, unfolding his arms to glare at Nami. He finds her grinning a lopsided grin as she clicks shut her compass and puts down her pen. She leans a hip on the barrel she’d been drawing on and folds her own arms.

“Oh, you like her.”

“I’m weirded out by her. ‘S not the same thing,” Zoro snaps, but when he tries to leave, Nami blocks him with an arm and pins him with a sharp, leveling look.

“No, no, no — we’re gonna work this through.”

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Uh-uh, you still owe me after that round of drinks the other night — remember when you bet you could drink more than me?”

Zoro narrows his eyes, “I did drink more than you.”

Nami’s grin is gleeful, “No, you didn’t. You had to be dragged back to your room after clogging up the toilet. Or do I need to show you the evidence —”

“Alright — fuck, fine. But really? This is what you’re gonna waste your favor on? You could’ve asked me to —” Zoro gestures around vaguely, “clean the bilge or something.”

Nami shrugs, looking almost too pleased, “Nope! This is what I wanna use my favor for. And, really, you think a bit of bilge water is gonna gross me out? C’mon.”

Zoro heaves a sigh and leans back against the main mast, closing his eyes.

“Fine then. Go.”

Nami sits back on the edge of the barrel.

“No, you go. Admit that you like the new girl.”

“I don’t.” He doesn’t open his eyes.

“I’ve seen you staring at her. We’ve all seen you staring at her.”

“What, that a crime now?”

Nami fights the urge to roll her eyes, “No, but I’ve never seen you try so hard to avoid someone before.”

Zoro lets out a bark of laughter, hard and mirthless, “Yeah, so that must mean I like her.”

Nami cocks her head, “It means you feel something towards her. And I’d suggest you figure it out.”

“And how’d you propose I do that?”

Nami once again waves in your direction, “Go. Talk. To her.”

Zoro lets out another breath, eyes scanning across the ship, anywhere but towards where you’re still sitting and reading, finger flipping a page in a perfect, smooth, singular motion.

And Zoro’s not blind. Blunt though he may be at times and careless as he is about most material things, he can still appreciate beauty when he sees it. And you — there’s no denying that you’re beautiful. Your strange stillness aside, when you do move, it’s with a dancer’s lissome grace, fluid lines, not a single movement wasted. When you smile, it seems to light you up from the inside, and your words, though soft, carries the well-worn weight of river stones, glittering beneath the clear, spring stream of your voice.

There’s a sharpness in your eyes, a straightness to your spine, a way of carrying yourself as if you’re afraid that one wrong move might shatter you and the entire world around you.

Sometimes when he sees you, he wonders at the hands that had sculpted you this way. He wonders at your life before they’d picked you up in Loguetown, when you’d oh-so-silently slipped up the execution platform and helped Luffy down, all the while staying free of Smoker’s watchful gaze.

The few times he’s seen you fight, he can’t help wondering if you’ve eaten some kind of devil fruit as well. No human could be so fast as that. Or be so quiet. But then again, he’d fought Kuro, and they’d seen stranger things. Still, he marvels at the way you flicker in and out of sight, slipping around the edges of battle like a dark, haunting thing, and men would drop like flies beneath your quick, quiet hands. With nary a sound or shout before their eyes roll back and their breathing is no more.

On the instances when Sanji had asked about your past, your eyes had gone misty and dark, unfocused. You’d gone still, freezing for so long that Usopp would cough just to fill the silence. And then slowly, ever so slowly, you’d turn back towards them with a small, sad smile and say:

“There’s… not much to talk about. I grew up somewhere far away, where if you didn’t keep quiet and still, bad things would happen to you. And then when those bad things happened, if you weren’t quick — the quickest of all, you’d die.”

Bad things, huh? Zoro thinks as he makes his way towards you, a hand resting on the hilt of his swords. He comes to a stop next to you and leans against one of the white planters, casually peering over your shoulder at the book in your hands.

For a long moment, neither of you move. Then, Zoro clears his throat and forces himself to speak.

“Is it good?”

It takes you a second, but eventually, you turn towards him.

“The book? Yeah, I suppose.”

“Not exactly a glowing review.”

You laugh, a soft, breathy little thing as you look back down at the page.

“It's about a girl who falls into an enchanted sleep, and a prince who wakes her up with a kiss.”

“Must’ve been one hell of a kiss.”

“Yes, and one hell of a prince.”

Zoro finds himself chuckling, his shoulders loosening as he takes another breath.

“And then what?” he asks.

“And then… he asks her to marry him.”

You run your fingers along the page, smoothing your palm over the ink and parchment. Zoro watches you, wondering, always wondering.

“What’s she say?” and it’s then that he notices his own voice, hushed and low, barely a whisper.

You look back up at him and smile a smile a sphynx would have been proud of.

“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten there yet.”

Zoro takes a breath, and the breath tastes distinctly different than all the breaths he’d taken before it. As if the world takes the breath with him, and some fundamental truth had shifted on the exhale.

The moment breaks, as moments are wont to do, when Sanji calls out for lunch and Zoro jerks out of his almost-reverie. You slowly close your book and rise to your feet, turning back to smile at him.

“C’mon, it’s lunchtime.”

Zoro nods and follows you into the kitchen, where Luffy and Usopp are already digging in, and Nami is pouring herself a drink. She spots the pair of you and catches Zoro’s eyes. A grin ticks at the edge of her lips but before she can say anything, you’re accosted by Sanji sweeping into a deep, flourishing bow, and ushering you towards the table, where he’d set your place in a manner fit for a princess.

“Where’s my setup?” Zoro asks as he drops into the seat next to you, cocking an eyebrow. Sanji shoots him an unimpressed look.

“I’m surprised you can use a fork and knife, moss-head. Just be grateful and eat up.”

Zoro scoffs but digs in nonetheless.

When next they dock, it’s on a rare, peaceful island — an island of light and books and learning, where the air smells of salt and ink and drying parchment, of unwritten words and untold stories. But it smells of a stillness too, and Zoro knows without having to ask that you’d like it here.

And you do.

He’s never seen you smile so much, never seen you so vibrant and full of life. You chat and laugh and read with a voracious hunger, and he finds himself drawn to this new, warm, moving side of you. He finds himself, more often than not, by your side, even when neither of you speak. And he basks in the comfort of the quiet that permeates the air when it’s just the two of you — him hanging in the hammock on deck, you reading by his side.

But now, there’s the soft tapping of your foot, the shuffle of pages when you flip forward to see what’s coming next, and of course the ever-present shush of the ocean as it washes against the Merry’s side.

The Log Pose needs two weeks to properly calibrate to the next island, so they’ve got time to kill.

On the fifth night, over dinner and drinks, Luffy asks the question that everyone’s been thinking since the day they’d all met you —

“So. Why’re you so still all the time? Not that it’s weird or anything — well, actually — it kind of is, but it doesn’t bother me. I’m just asking cause I'm curious!”

You look up from your half-finished wine but Zoro feels it happening, like the hush of a fan blade slicing through air, the gasp before a porcelain vase tips over and shatters. You stop. You stare. You’re frozen in every sense of the word. And he’s known you for long enough to know that you only go still as a reflex, only reach for it as a shield. Against what? He doesn’t quite know.

“It’s… something of a long story,” you say, your voice low and hoarse.

Luffy grins, smacking his lips as he sucks the meat off a chicken leg, “We’ve got tons of time! Right?” he looks around as if for validation, but everyone’s eyes are caught on you and your unnatural stillness.

Zoro shifts slightly in the seat next to you, opening his stance and turning towards you.

“Could do with a good story.”

Your eyes flash in his direction and he offers you the barest hint of a smile.

You relax, ever so slightly, drifting back in your seat, your glass cupped in the palms of your hands. And then, you begin to speak, your voice smooth and lilting, your words washing over them like the faint lull of the tides.

“When I was three, my father sold me for a barrel of beer.”

A dull clack echoes around the room and everyone turns to see Sanji hurriedly righting the thick stein he’s knocked over. Thankfully, it’d been empty.

“Sorry — I just — what?” he sounds furious but Usopp lays a hand across his arm and shakes his head.

You take a deep breath and continue, your voice oddly emotionless as you say, “The man who bought me took me to an island. It was… a dark place. A quiet place. I only learned its name after I escaped — an island called Elysium.”

Nami gasps before clapping her hands over her mouth.

“I’ve just — I’ve heard of that place before, but I thought… I thought it was just a made-up place.”

Luffy swallows hard, frowning, “What’s it like?”

Nami’s eyes flicker between you and Luffy, “Supposedly… it’s the home island for… for the most feared group of assassins in all the seas combined.”

Usopp’s eyebrows jerk up, “The most feared?”

A faint smile seeps across your lips like blood.

“Yes. The Shadows that Live.”

Everyone turns to look at you. Luffy picks up another drumstick.

“Whoa… cool name!”

Zoro hums, “I’ve heard of them before — but mostly, it was just an old wive’s tale about… shadow assassins who hunt in the dark. Mercenaries for hire. But… no one’s ever seen one before.”

“Because… once you see one, you’ll never live to tell the tale,” you say, your eyes now downcast and fixed on the glass in your hands.

“Then…” Usopp’s voice is soft, “What about… you?”

“I… I ran away.”

Silence greets you. But after a moment, Luffy spits out a bit of bone and uses it to pick at the space between his teeth, his eyes round.

“Wow! You must be pretty good to run away from an island full of shadow assassins!”

You almost laugh, his boundless trust hitting you like a punch to the stomach.

“So…” Sanji lets out a puff of silvery smoke, “the staying still thing… that’s just part of your training, yeah?”

You nod, “Something like that.”

Someday, you think, you’ll tell them about the hellscape that was Elysium island, of the long echoing halls, dark and still and silent. Of the mechanical beasts that hunted by sound and movement alone. Someday, you’ll let them know about the poisoned pomegranate seeds that they feed all the “recruits” to keep them hazy, of how you’d kept six of them suspended in your mouth and spat them all out when you’d finally made it far enough from the island to allow yourself to breathe.

“And… are these shadow assassins gonna come after us?” Nami asks, her voice careful and light.

You purse your lips, “I… I don’t know.”

Nami sighs, but a moment later, she moves to refill her drink with a slight shrug, “Well, just one more enemy to add to our growing list. Soon, we’re gonna have to post a sign-up sheet.”

At this, everyone laughs, and the tension snaps like a wounded spring.

Luffy burps loudly, patting his stomach, “I’m not worried — I mean, if you were able to run away from them once, that means you’re stronger than them, right?”

You pause, your hand hovering over the wine bottle. Zoro gently reaches over and refills your glass for you. You shift back into movement, casting him a small smile and taking a sip. The wine is cool and tangy as it hits the back of your throat. You breathe, and the world keeps spinning.

“I… I’m not sure — I’ve never fought… any of… them… before.”

“Guess we’ll find out if they try to come for you then — but you’ve got us now!” Luffy says, reaching for an apple and chomping into it, “ — Sho… you duon gotta wourry —” he licks his lips as he takes another huge bite before tossing the core towards the waste bin, “We’ve got your back!”

Nami makes a disgusted face, “Don’t talk with your mouth full, ugh.”

Sanji chuckles, tapping out his cigarette, “Yeah Luffy, mind your manners.” But his voice is full of laughter and you find yourself relaxing into the sway of the night, the swing of conversation. Beside you, Zoro refills his own glass and leans over to clink it against yours.

You turn, but he only raises his glass before taking a sip.

You mirror his movement, cradling the cup to your chest when you finish.

Later, he finds you by the tangerine trees, ghosting your fingers over their lush green leaves, dark enough to look black in the evening light.

“Hey.”

You turn, “Hi.”

Zoro sighs and looks out over the darkened waves, the moonlight refracted into a million shattered bits of sky.

“Luffy’s right, y’know.”

“What about?” you ask, joining him by the railings. The night air is cool and crisp. Behind you both, the island oozes with lamplight and laughter. Even from here, you can hear the joy, the peace that permeates the air here. It wouldn’t be a bad thing, you think, to stay here forever.

“If they come for you,” Zoro says, “we’ll have your back.”

You let out a small chuckle, looking down at your hands, “I know.”

“So,” he turns towards you, his earrings glinting in beneath the scimitar moon, “you don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

You lick your lips, and instinctively, you reach for the stillness. All the days and weeks and months with the people around you have softened you, and for that, you know you should be thankful. Still, old habits die hard, and you have to clench your fists and dig your nails into your own palms to keep from freezing completely.

You take a shivering breath and force it out again.

“Fear’s a hard habit to break.”

At this, Zoro grunts, though it sounds something like consent. The moment stretches, long and soft and taffy-sweet.

He turns back towards the sea, “Yeah,” he says, and then —

“But we can take it slow.”

You swallow hard, passed the broken shards of forgotten words lodged in your throat (you find that they all somehow taste like thank you), and you nod. Warmth tickles your cheeks and you wonder why he’s said we instead of you — and later, lying in your bed at night, staring at the moon-slatted ceiling, you wonder if he was really talking about fear or if it was something else entirely.

You don’t get a lick of sleep that night.

The next few days pass in a light, repetitive blur. You and Zoro are sent on a few short shopping trips in the city, and you’re glad for something to do that involves movement. Shocking how quickly the body adapts once the weight it’d been holding on to is lifted.

You are still quiet, and he, the same; but the silence has shifted around you, and whereas before it’d been solid and steady, it’s now thrumming and charged with some unspoken energy.

Neither of you are blind to it; nor, it seems, is the rest of the crew.

Sanji’s taken to openly teasing Zoro about being with you all the time, complaining loudly that he can’t get a word in edgewise because Zoro refuses to leave you alone. Nami keeps on trying to drag you out for “girl's day” shopping trips, hinting at all the cute clothes you could get and how “green really suits your skin tone, y’know?”

Luffy and Usopp for their part, both just grin whenever they see you together — Luffy stoked at the fact that you seem more happy and talkative, Usopp gleeful at the way Zoro always seems so much softer when he’s next to you.

You’ve taken to watching him when he trains, sitting in the shade of the tangerine trees, a cold drink in your hand as Zoro runs through his katas. You content yourself with watching him flow through the movements, one and then another, and then another after that. He contents himself with your presence, knowing that you’re here, feeling your eyes as they skate down the length of his back or the width of his shoulders.

It’s a peaceful sort of companionship, even if it is living on borrowed time.

When you all wave the little island goodbye, it’s with heavy hearts and tearful smiles. It had treated you well, and you think you’d miss it. But adventure is as adventure does — it calls, beckoning to those with wandering hearts to listen.

The first week back at sea is a strange one, full of a ringing nostalgia. As if you’re simultaneously coming home and leaving one at the same time. Everyone is a bit quiet, except for Luffy, of course, who literally bounces off the freshly waxed planks, humming to himself as he sits on top of the great ram’s figurehead.

“Is he ever still?” you ask one day, sometime in the second week.

To which Zoro makes a sound between a scoff and a laugh, “You’ve been here a while. What’d you think?”

You sigh softly and tear your eyes away from the bright, shivering ball of energy that is your captain towards the far horizon. A sliver of uncertainty twines through you and your breath slows. Zoro glances at you, now long since attuned to your subtle shifts in movement and stillness. He narrows his eyes.

“What is it?”

You shake yourself back into the moment, forcing a smile.

“Nothing. I think…” your words fade as the feeling twists in you again, knife-sharp and stinging. You clear your throat and reach up to brush away a strand of hair. Skin grazes skin as Zoro’s hand meets yours in the same gesture and you both freeze — hands held up, his finger caught against the bend of your cheekbone, your fingers curling over his.

Time slows, slackens around the pair of you, and the moment stays, suspended in space — garnet dark and perfect.

Neither of you dare to breathe. It’s then that you realize how close Zoro is — close enough for you to see the entire ocean reflected in his eyes: big and dark and so endless it nearly unmoors you. Close enough for you to feel the warmth of his skin; his body, emanating heat. You’d often wondered, in the long hours of watching him train, at the glistening copper of his skin and the light-kissed quality, if the sun himself favored Zoro as well.

Like this, it’s easy to believe that beneath his skin, there pulsed something like sunlight.

“Look! It’s an island! It’s an island!”

And just like that, the moment shatters. Time slips back into motion and you pull away from each other, breathless, with warm cheeks and thundering hearts, feeling somehow lightning-touched and static-ridden.

You take half a step back, reaching up to press a hand to your mouth as if to stop something from tumbling through. But what? You can’t really say.

Zoro tips back as well, whipping around to help Usopp and Sanji with the sails as Luffy continues to holler, waving his hat. On the horizon, you see it looming — the silhouette of an island. You lower your palm from your lips to your heart and wonder what kind of island it will be.

Deserted — seems to be the answer when you all make landfall. The island is quiet, but the occasional chirp and cricket staves off your nerves as you all wander cautiously about the beach, squinting into the dense forest that seems to encompass the whole of the island.

“Looks like a good place to camp for the night!” Luffy says, grinning as he plops down on the sand.

Sanji nods, dusting off his hands, “We’ll need some wood for a fire, but I reckon I can whip up some grilled fish from the fresh catch.”

You wrap your arms around yourself and look around, glancing back at the darkening horizon.

“Something the matter?” Zoro’s voice is soft as he helps you carry some of the camping supplies from the ship.

“No… yes… I —” you look up at him, pursing your lips, “I don’t know. I’ve just… this island is…”

Zoro looks around, his dark eyes scanning the thick swath of forest just beyond the beach, “Too quiet?”

You let out a tiny laugh, “Yeah, something like that.”

He nods, “Don’t worry, I’m — we’re here.”

And he leaves it at that, hoisting a stack of wood over his shoulders and going to help Nami with the fire. You watch him with a smile, wondering what on earth you’d done to deserve this level of caring, this magnitude of kindness. Soon, dinner is had and drinks are shared and laughter is spilled like so many silver coins over the white sand beach. The lull of the evening takes over you all, and before long, Luffy and Usopp are slumped over each other, snoring loudly.

You stare into the depths of the fire and try to tamp down the growing dread festering inside your bones. All those years of holding still, of breathing and listening and feeling — you shake yourself — no, not all stillness is a bad thing. Not all silences are made the same.

“You’re doing it again,” Zoro’s voice almost makes you jump. Instead, you turn, finding him next to you as he nurses a half-drunk bottle of wine in his hands. He doesn’t look at you, but there’s a loose grin hinged across his lips.

“Sorry,” you say, ducking your head, feeling a now familiar heat creep into your cheeks that has nothing to do with the dwindling bonfire.

“Don’t be,” Zoro takes another drink, “But I told you… you don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

“I know… and I’ve said before —”

“Fear’s a hard habit to break,” Zoro echoes back at you, finally glancing over and catching your eye.

You breathe out, looking down at your own hands, “Yeah… but I’m trying.”

You both fall silent, and for a while, the only sounds are the crackle of the dying flames, the shush of the ocean waves, and the occasional snores from the rest of your crew. It’s late — later than you realized.

“Do you… want me to grab a book for you?”

You smile, “No, I don’t think it’s bright enough.”

“I could restoke the fire.”

“No, it’s — it’s okay.”

“Alright.”

A bird coos the distance.

“Why don’t you tell me a story?” you ask, turning to look at Zoro proper, shifting till your body is facing him.

In the faint light, you can see the edge of his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows.

“You’re asking the wrong guy — you should wait till the Great Captain Usopp’s awake.”

“Yeah, but I want to hear one from you.”

Zoro sighs, his eyes fixed on the last of the flickering flames. He takes another swig of wine before he starts to speak, his voice low and a bit stilted, but he pushes on. He tells you about his childhood, the village he’d trained in, the doujou in the middle of the wood, his friend who he’d never beat — not even once.

He tells you about he early mornings and the late nights, and how the world had seemed large enough to conquer.

“… And then… there came a morning when she didn’t show up… and sensei came and told me that there’d been an accident.”

His voice almost breaks then, and your eyes catch on the shining white hilt of the Wadou Ichimonji — his thumb pressing against the guard, running along it’s hard metal edge.

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

Zoro shrugs, “Don’t be.”

You nod, “Still.”

Zoro slates you a lopsided smirk, “So. Now you know my tragic backstory too.”

You laugh, leaning back to cast your eyes up towards the sky, “And you know mine — it’s almost like we’re friends or something.”

Zoro lets out a long breath, “Yeah… or something.”

There’s a tightness to his voice that makes your skin tingle and it takes everything you have not to look over at him, to try and see if he’s looking at you, watching you the way you’d imagined him to be. You fancy you can feel his gaze on your face, but you close your eyes instead.

You let yourself fall into the warm haze of sleep, and for a while you drift there, your mind sifting through shards of memories and slivers of sound, casting them against the backs of your eyelids as you slowly slide into the darkness of dreams.

You wake up to a gasping stillness — the silence pressing in on your eardrums like thumbs, the darkness around you so complete it’s almost a solid thing. You freeze, your breath hissing to a halt inside you. Then distantly, ever so distantly, you hear the sounds of battle — metal clashing against metal, the hard thud of boots against flesh. You shake your head and reach up to clap your hands over your ears and only then do your senses return to you, snapping back as if you’d been abruptly shunted back into your earthly body.

“Gum Gum — Pistol!”

“Seize her!”

You whip into movement, fast as a flash, dashing away, hoping against hope that it would draw your attackers far enough from your crewmates.

“No one… ever… leaves us…”

The voice is serpentine and susurrus, sinking into your skin like sharpened teeth, but before it can reach you, it’s cut short by a bright flash of silver.

You gasp, whirling around, reaching for the nearest pulse, instinct taking over as you sink your fingers into muscle and flesh. The rush of blood thrumming beneath your fingertips comes too easy, even as a familiar scent accosts you. A moment later, your hands are being pinned above you, and thick, rough bark is digging into your wrists as Zoro stands before you, a sword in one hand, the other holding you still.

His eyes are a little wild and a lot worried. There’s a ring of red rawness around his neck, thin trickles of blood trailing along his jugular, disappearing into the wide scoop neck of his shirt.

“Hey, look at me.”

You nearly whimper, struggling against him, fear still coursing through you like a drug but Zoro is strong enough to keep you held. Behind him, you can see the rest of the crew fending off several shadowy figures, Usopp waving a torch, screaming at the top of his lungs, Luffy whooping as he whacks another figure with his fist.

“Z-Zoro?”

“Yeah, it’s me — eyes up here.”

You swallow in a breath, and then another, and you feel the bright thrum of urgency leave you as your body slowly falls slack. And then you’re slipping, and he’s looping an arm around you to keep you upright.

“Th-they’re here — they —”

“They’re gone — we got rid of them — hey.”

Zoro takes you by the shoulders and gives you a gentle shake. Finally, your eyes catch on his and your gaze holds. You see yourself reflected in them, stark and terrified, but alive — somehow alive.

“They’re gone,” he says, his voice soft and low by your ear, his arm still wrapped around your middle. Shivers wrack your body as you bury your face in his shoulder. He smells of steel and skin and the metallic tang of blood. It’s then that you remember — the wounds on the sides of his neck. The marks in the shape of your hands —

You jerk back and feel a sticky wetness against your cheek.

“Zoro, I hurt you!”

At this, he scoffs, pulling back far enough to flash you a look.

“This is nothing. C’mon.”

He offers you a hand, and after a second you take it, letting him pull you to your feet. Wordlessly, he presses his palm to the small of your back, his arm extended to keep you steady as you both make your way back towards camp.

“Phew! That was a workout!” Luffy is saying just as you both reach the outskirts of the now-darkened bonfire. Sanji is pulling out a cigarette, striking a match, and first lighting the end before tossing it into the remains of the firewood, fanning it up into a slow flame.

Nami and Usopp both look a bit shaken, but none worse for the wear.

They all pivot to look at you.

You go still against Zoro’s side, uncertainty flooding through you. Faintly, you feel Zoro’s fingers as they press into the bend of your waist, solid and steady.

Then, Usopp coughs, “C’mon y’all — the Shadows that Live? Psh! More like — the Shadows that Fled, am I right? Yeah? Didya see the way I sent ‘em runnin’ with my brand new fire-powered explosion rounds?”

Nami chuckles and Sanji follows suit, shaking his head and letting out a thin wisp of smoke. Luffy’s grins at you, pumping a fist in the air, clapping his right shoulder.

“See? Told you we’d have your back! We are your crew, after all!”

Weakness seeps into your limbs as you nod, hot pin-pricks of tears itching at your lower lashes. You lower your head and rub at your eyes before looking back up again with a smile. Sanji grimaces as he looks over Zoro.

“Got something on your neck, mate.”

Zoro glares but you glance over and feel your stomach twist with guilt.

“Sorry… I can clean that up for you. They’re not deep but they do need to be bandaged up.”

Zoro wipes down his sword before sheathing it and motioning towards the ship. Behind you, you can hear Nami yawning and saying something about catching up on some more sleep and Sanji reassuring her about having the last watch anyway.

The kitchen is still dark, but the dusty dawn sweeps against the far horizon and neither of you bother to turn the lights on. You carefully set the first aid kit on the kitchen counter and collect the supplies as Zoro leans back against the edge and folds his arms. You work in near silence, reaching up to first wipe the thin threads of drying blood before tending to the tiny, crescent-shaped puncture wounds.

You press an alcohol-soaked cotton ball against one of them and feel Zoro wince.

“Sorry.”

“I’m fine.”

You bite your lips, “If this had been a bit deeper or a few inches over —”

“But it wasn’t. So it’s fine.”

You don’t look up at him but you can feel his eyes on you. Your movements are fluid and sure; you’d clearly done this before.

“Hey, look at me.”

You freeze, eyes slowly gliding up the planes and divots of his neck, slipping up the line of his jaw, so sharp it might’ve been turned on a diamond cutter’s lathe. Your breath hitches as you finally meet his eyes, and there’s a dark, knowing glint behind them that makes your stomach flip.

“I’m fine.”

And for the second time in a handful of hours, you’re caught by the realization of your closeness — only a breath of space between you. There’s a crimp at the corner of his mouth that looks dangerously like a smile and then you’re tipping forward, a thumb reaching up to trace the line of his bottom lip once —

The movement acts like a trigger, and suddenly, he is leaning in and the breath of space disappears.

For all your life of stillness, you thought you’d learned to appreciate the depths and widths of movement. But nothing could’ve prepared you for this — for the push and pull of lips on lips, for the force and friction of skin against skin. For the gasp and hiss, for the breath and kiss.

For the feeling of his large palm as it settles along the swallow’s-nest bend of your neck, the way his thumb runs along your jaw like tracing the guard of his beloved sword, tilting your mouth towards him. For the way your heart might flutter like a tiny, caged bird, or the way you might feel his heart thumping like a fist from his chest to yours.

For the way his voice rolls over your name like a ship at sea; for the way it would shake your body from your bones and leave you more liquid than solid in his arms. For how you never used to think your story would be a love story, but then you realize that every story is a love story if caught in the right moment, in the right light.

And here, breaking apart from Zoro, with a thick, stolen streak of lemon-yellow sunlight leaking in from the kitchen window — that’s exactly what it feels like.

“Oh,” is all you have the strength to say.

Zoro, in all his solid brilliance and quiet audacity, laughs.

You taste the smile on your own lips before you realize you’re smiling. But when you try to bury your face in his neck, he winces slightly as you brush his still-fresh wounds.

“Crap, I forgot about these.”

Zoro chuckles as you hurry to press a few small bandages to the wounds.

“It’s okay. So did I.”

You finish dressing his wounds in silence, though this silence is markedly different from every other silence that had ever existed between you. There’s ease and tension, both, and when you’re finally finished, Zoro takes both your hands in his.

“So…” you say, unsure suddenly of where to look.

Zoro’s laugh is just as soft, just as uncertain.

“So.”

You try to look out the window, but by now, the dawning sun is so bright that it temporarily blinds you and you jerk back. Zoro smiles, reaching up to run his thumbs along your closed eyelids before dropping them to hook around your wrists again.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?” he asks, quiet as always.

You purse your lips and let your lashes flutter open. You find him watching you. Heat crests up your shoulders and into your cheeks, and suddenly, the exhaustion of the night before saps at your limbs. You sigh.

“Right now? Not really.”

“Yeah, neither do I,” he says, sounding as relieved as you feel.

You bite your lips and cast your gaze shyly across his face, your bird-wing heartbeat still flapping in your chest. You fight the urge to go still, to reach for that shield that has always protected you before. Faintly, you feel Zoro’s thumbs tracing circles along the insides of your wrists.

“Can I ask for something else, though?”

“What is it?”

You reach up a finger, nudging one of his golden earrings. You don’t miss the way he shivers, or the way his breath quickens in his chest.

“Kiss me again.”

Zoro grins, tugging you towards him, leaning into the curve of your palm as he does.

And does.

And does again.

reqs are: temporarily closed

but feedback is much loved and appreciated!!!

[intensid4d]

Scared To Be Happy - Leah Williamson x Reader

It's my first imagine, hope you like it! (Plus english isn't my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes). Maybe I'll make it a series, if u like it.

It has some past Alexia Putellas x Reader, some fears, maybe truamas, angst.

Not read proof.

Part 2

---------

Leaving Barcelona was something that never crossed Y/n mind until her brake up with the captain of the team, Alexia Putellas. How things ended broke your heart in a lot of pieces, especially when you denied it and tried to hide from everyone what was yours trully feelings.

So when she got that call saying Arsenal wanted to sign for four seasons, she don´t even though twice to accept. One month later and Y/n was on a plane on her way.

Right away  you became close with Katie McCabe, becoming best friends in a matter of two months. Everything was fine, you got play time, made a new best friend (one that you would dare to say was like a life sister for you), usually went out with your teammantes to eat or have some drinks (especially with Katie or Leah Williamson).

And that’s it. Leah Williamson. You always had a smile to her, would fight to defend her on the field and especially, would always be touchy with her. You weren’t a touchy person, at least not with everyone, you had a unconscious list off people who could hug and kiss you. And everyone knew it. Everyone saw how you was with the blondle. McCabe would say “You’re like a puppy around her and a lyon to defend her honor. Soooo in love...”

You always denied. You couldn’t be in love, not again and not with Leah. C’mon she could be with anyone she wanted and you were just... You. So you denied to yourself and to everyone else.

“Hey, the team is going to have some drinks, you in?” Beth asked after practice. You nodded your head and you both went to get changed.

After many drinks you were on the corner at the table watching Leah, Beth, Katie and Lotte dancing awkwardly with each other. Viv, Rafa and Little were on the table in a conversation that you really wasn’t paying attention.

“So... How are you?” You hear Viv ask, and you turn to her. The others no longer seen.

“I’m fine, I guess. And you?” You reply, not really undestanding the real meaning of her question.

“I’m fine... I know I’m not McCabe, but you know you can trust me, right? I’m here to hear and help you...” You frown. Was there something happening that you didn’t know? But then, she looks to Leah and turns back to you. It’s like something clicks on you.

“I... Well, I... Uh... I just got out of a heart break like six months ago... I can’t feel anything for anyone. Won’t let myself feel like shit again... Plus, we’re just friends. I think she’s seeing someone else, actually.” You swallow your drink and look at your empty glass.

“I’m sorry about that. She must be someone really stupid to loose someone like you. You’re a golden girl, Y/n. If I haven’t found the love of my life already and If I didn’t have Leah like a competitive, I would totally go for you.” She laughs a little while you turn a bit red.  “But for real, we all think that Leah has something for you. You should allow yourself to feel. That blonde over there is a really nice person, but already know that. All I trying to say is allow yourself to feel what you are already feeling. It’s stupid how you both are in love with each other, especially ‘cause you try to hide it from yourselves. She’s not your ex, plus if she break your heart I’ll get Katie to tackle her.”

“I don’t think she feels something for me, but that’s okay. Thank you for saying those things. Really. I will have this three days of break to think about all of that. I just... I’m so fucking afraid to be hurt again...” You give her a sad smile and she hugs you.

“Hey! Everything alright?” You both turn to see Leah stading close to you, looking straight into your eyes with worry. Viv gives a gentle squeeze in your arm and let you go.

“Yes, just having some heartfull drunk conversation. Nothing to be worried.” You answer and give her a small smile. She grabs your hand and pushs you up and close to her. You allow her to do it all.

“Come dance with me, please.” She says looking into your eyes and you just nod, not trusting your own words, she was incredible beautiful and attractive with her hair a little messy because of all dacing, her eyes were a little dark too and had something you couldn’t really know what was.

You went to the dance floor, both stading in front of each other and dacing to the beat of the song. Your eyes locked. Unknowingly you closed the distance, now with your bodies glued. Leah put her arms around your neck and instinctively you put yours hand around her waist. Yours hips moved in sync.

Miedema’s words still fresh on your mind, you say without noticing. “You’re looking incredible.”

You only realise you said that because of how her cheeks turn a bit red and she got that little smirk on her lips. She doesn’t reply, instead she just hides her face on your neck. You can feel her breath on your skin, and that’s make you take a deep breath.

Viv was right, you actually had feelings for Leah. With that being realised and the end of the song you excuse yourself, grab your things and go. You couldn’t be in the same room as her. Not right now. You heard the blonde calling your name, but you didn’t turn around.

When you got home all you could do was cry. Cry out of fear, fear of feeling something for somebody else. You had thought it was just a crush and nothing else. You hear your phone ring and just turn it off. You had to alone.

You were just afraid, all the memories of how Alexia came to your home after practice and ended things, saying she “sometimes felt everything and sometimes didn’t feel nothing at all”. It was how thing were for you, everyone would say and show love for you until they just fell out of love.

And with these thoughts you cry your to sleep.

[shewolf-sinclair]

where i stand on Wednesday ships in case yalls were curious.

Wenvier/Wavier: Ship it! Tend to prefer fanon over canon (hard to say if its dynamic or plot it’s a bit of both). think that if any ship were gonna happen fr this might be the most realistic. don’t 100% know how I feel about it being canon in that in order for it to happen well a lot has to be done first that hasn’t happened yet. I think it could work because Xavier isn’t at all put off by her demeanor even from the start he loves it. So I think once they work the miscommunication and set clear boundaries they could actually be really cute!

Wyler/Weyler: Ship it! usually canon over fanon. (dynamic not plot) probably will never happen again. Honestly as much as I adore it, I’m not sure I want it to come back. They ran their course kinda. I just need tyler to be redeemed and while I believe that he truly loved wednesday, he really hurt her. and he knows that. if anything they just need to be friends rn. would be okay with it coming back under very specific circumstances. Similar with Wenvier, tyler was never put off by Wednesday. He followed her around like a puppy in awe of her strength and intelligence. And tyler’s truama plays into nicely as well, where he’s never fit anywhere and just needs a companion to be around. And wednesday provides that. He never cared so much about the what as long as he was included. They didn’t have to talk and plans could change. He just needed to be wanted. Wheras wednesday wanted a intelligent companion to offer advice and assistance with out stepping on her toes. Someone who understood her need to be left alone.

Wenclay (wednesday and bianca): ship it! fanon or canon! totally not realistic but I just think they’re super fun. if wednesday was gonna date a girl I’d want it to be bianca (but i love me sone biancaxlucas action too). would love to see it happen someday haha. Can’t even explain this one other than matched wit badass sapphic couple.

Wenclair: Don’t ship it! It’s cute and all just not my thing. I think they’re too good as friends and I don’t wanna jeopardize or change that it any way. I don’t honestly think it would work that well either. I personally think wednesday would need someone similarly macabre or at least similar attitude. However I totally agree that Enid is queer in some fashion.

Enjax/Petroclair: SHIP SO HARD. FANON AND CANON. OMG I LOVE THEM. THEYRE CANON IN THE SHOW IF THEY BREAK UP I WILL SOB MY HEART OUT. THEY ARE SO SPECIAL TO ME!!

but please see my post here. i do think it’s important Wednesday takes a break from dating for a bit, it’s just fun to imagine.

[ask-a-rare-person]

Is it age regression when your brain is fighting between the thoughts "I want to contribute to society and be a responsible adult" and "life was more fun when you had no responsibility so turn your brain off and ignore all your work and texts and scroll through posts about stuff from your childhood all day"

No, I would not say that. Age regression is when your mental age literally changes. Everyone feels that life witohit responsibility was awsome.

For example, I never ever want to return to my child hood. It was highly traumatic. I do not believe my childhood is worth missing or going back to, and yet I age regress.

Age regression is not just a passing thought or wish. If I were to describe how it feels to regress, I’d compare it more to an active way to clear out old emotion, create new memories one didn’t get to have during child hood, and/or to enter a state of deep meditation. Age regression can also be completely involuntary. I remember when I had a regression episode during school and I new that no one would notice so I jsut went to my next class bc I didn’t wanna miss school(I missed a lot of school taht year due to disabilty). Lo and behold it was the first day of a holecost unit, and god I wish I could have just stopped being regressed immediately. I also can struggle with basic tasks, and handling stuff like a hot kettle is very dangerous for me to do while regressed

The regressions that clear out old emotion or trauma tend to be intense episodes of crying, flashbacks, talking it out, and generally allowing stuff you don’t need anymore to drain from your system. It’s basically of like how crying it out in general helps you move through the same thing.

Regressions that are more “happy” like playing or entering a deep, meditative state of mind create new memories, and create an atmosphere of positive vulnerability and healing. Last summer, I voluntarily regressed every single night as a way to help me sleep and also show my little self that it is okay to come out and explores their self. Doing this nightly for months helped my little self dig up some good memories and truama I didn’t knwo I even had so I could deal with it.

I also got to have the opritunity for my little self to be a trans boy, nonbinary, etc. which is something I didn’t get to really “be” as a child. I didn’t have the opportunity to go by masculine/neutral name, pronouns, etc. and now I can create that for my little self so they don’t have to miss out on that.

Speaking of, I would compare my little self as different from me. I guess I would say regressing feels like having a literal child version of you piolet your body for a while while you can only passively spectate.

While I’m regressed, distant memories feel like they happened seconds ago and recent memories feel unreal and miles away. It can even be difficult to say I’m regressed to a trusted person bc it feels almost…too meta? Kind of like making direct eye contact with your god. It’s just…too powerful? Idk

I do tend to interact with “kiddie” stuff while I’m regressed, but that’s just because that’s what a kid would naturally do. Kids get bored, so does my regressed brain. I remember when I ran out of Pokemon episodes to watch during my nightly regressions and my little self refused to voluntarily come out agian for weeks bc now regression was “boring” 😑

Witch, honestly is a very kid thing to do

I hope I explained thsi well enough pleaee let me know if you have any questions

[unohanabbygirl]

Hi! As someone who has written a million words of Lucemond I was hoping you could share your opinions on the ship itself? I recently got into the pairing but I’ve noticed that a large majority of creators feminize or hyper-feminize Luke. Between him and Aemond, Luke is the one who writers will only assign the role of omega in abo fics or give him the ability of mpreg which isn’t seen in other characters. I’m just curious as to why fic writers or artists have gone down this road of characterization for Luke (and vice versa not applied the same to Aemond). I have no idea if this has been debated or not within the fandom either but it seems like you’ve been pretty active in writing since the ship was first established. I read the book so I do know there’s a LARGE difference between book Luke and show Luke. The tv producers wanted more sympathy for Luke’s death so they really upped the insecurity and softness of his character but people have taken that to sort of pigeonhole him into a more feminized character in fics/art. Why does softness and insecurity translate into him being the one to carry a child or undergo traumatic events under Aemond’s thumb? This is def not me critiquing creators or saying it’s bad to feminize characters! I’m just curious as to why the pairing has evolved in this way because in the book Luke is not insecure at all and definitely more confident. Why do you think solely feminizing Luke is SO prolific in created content for the ship?

Hmm, as someone who has read F&B and watched the show I can only answer for myself since other than this little corner I’ve created, I choose not to interact outside of it often since fandom drama and heated debates have never been my thing.

I think one of many reasons so many people here have really gravitated towards assigning Luke the more soft, feminine and nurturing role between them is mostly because of the show. A lot of people i’ve interacted with here on tumblr and in Ao3 comment sections either haven’t read F&B at all or just prefer the show writers drastic changes. It’s the reason why ships like Rhaenyra/Alicent became so popular since HOTD came out. Alicent is often characterized as a doe-eyed girl failure by Rhaenicent shippers instead of her plotting, evil stepmother book counterpart because thats the version of her we got to see on our tv screens, therefore it’s the version many of us like to lean towards when making fanart or writing fic and the same goes for Luke. Though book Lucerys is by no means a shy anxiety filled boy who feels such immense guilt for mutilating Aemond, that’s what we were able to see playout through the show. It’s the characterization most saw and instantly loved.

On top of that, Aemond is Luke’s murderer who taunted and tormented him each chance he was given until the very end. So I feel that in a fandom where dead dove is as popular as it is, it makes sense for Luke to be the one undergoing such heavy trauma while Aemond is the one who inflicts it. I don’t think most of my fellow Lucemond writers put Luke through truama in fics BECAUSE he’s the more soft/feminine one, but because it aligns with canon. Luke was the prey and Aemond was the predator. Lucy being the chosen omega is just an added coincidence from how I see it.

And while I don’t like to speak for others I feel that when it comes to fic people (including myself) usually have a habit in making the smaller and or more sweet partner the omega simply cause a/b/o is an established troupe with each secondary gender having set characteristics. And while I don’t think that omega automatically equates to weak or helpless (most omega Luke fics I’ve read showcase him being strong willed and a little manipulative if it means luring Aemond over to the blacks side) that’s simply what people do when it comes to omegaverse.

As for non a/b/o fics that only assign Luke the ability to have children, I can’t answer why those authors chose that route because I haven’t made anything of the sort myself. While I have written a fic where Luke is a mother it’s a/b/o while the other establishes all targs as being able to give birth/ “sire” so it’s not just Luke. My only answer would be they just want Lucemond babies and decided Luke should be the one to carry.

But those are just my thoughts.

[candeathbereal]

I wanna talk about the mutable moons now because as an aries sun and virgo moon I must come first so let’s do this right.

DISCLAIMER: I will be talking about my own trauma so if you do not feel comfortable reading about that it is fine to just not read either the virgo moon part of this post or if you would prefer you can just stop reading. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to do something if they do not feel comfortable with it.

Flexibility is their Forte

Let’s start with explaining what it means to have a mutable moon in the first place. Since the moon in some way represents our emotions which is something you cannot control you can only control how you act upon them for the most part. And the mutable modality is all about being flexible and generally just vibing. Now if we look at the mutable signs (Sagittarius, Virgo, Gemini, and Pisces) most of them are not associated with expressing a wide range of emotions. I even include pisces because honestly out of the water signs they seem to be the least expressive of their emotions from what I have seen at least. Now imagine having a modality not really known for their emotions inserted into the one placement which is all about emotions. You get an interesting emotional state. Now for the most part I associate mutable moons with truama but that is not always the case. In fact I’m pretty sure most of the people who have a mutable moon aren’t traumatized or even grew up in an abusive enviroment, but it just seems interesting that most of the people who I have met with a mutable moon happen to have had a rough life starting in their childhood. I just wanted to preface that first because I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea of what I will write in this post from here on out. Now let me go into the specifics for each mutable moon.

Virgo Moon

You know how sometimes you mess something up and you feel horrible so you either give up or strive to do better? Imagine giving up not being an option most times. That is what I feel it is like as a Virgo Moon. Now I’m sure different aspects can influence how you go about or even what you take more to heart. Now I personally have this worry about not being good enough which I have had since I was a child but my mother wasn’t really the criticizing type like I have read some post on virgo moons and their childhood. Instead I was raised by a mom who I felt responsible to take care of emotionally. I felt I had to prioritze her emotional needs over mine and I think that is how the idea of not being good enough manifested in me. It was less my mom being upset with me but instead of her using me as an example of greatness when she was scold my siblings for something like low grades or soemthing like that. It even got to the point where I felt resentful of myself to some extent for not helping them more. It was weird to me because my siblings had very decent reasons for not getting a’s and b’s on every report card. I won’t go into that because that is a very personal thing to them. Anyways this shaped me to be very critical of myself along with others because I even subconsciously feel this intense drive to be better so I need others to be better as well. Because honeslty I like being around people who are better than me but idk if that has to do with my virgo moon per say but I figured I’d include that just in case. Anyways it is not to say that people with virgo moons are inherently bossy or assholes by how critical they are of others, because I think judging others can be expressed in different ways. And I put virgo moons as more judgy than critical but depending on their mercury and mars signs would change how they express that judgement onto others so they could become hypercritical of others…

Sagittarius Moon

I LOVE SAGITTARIUS MOON I think it has somewhat to do with my sag mars but ehh. I do wish you guys would stay a realist as opposed to “optimistic”. Because I think some of you go through the stage of life where you’ll believe that any negative emotion or negativity at all will ruin your experience of life in some way. When really you could just be avoiding enjoying life without the dichotomy of sadness and happiness. Without dealing with the painful emotions the happy moments will not reach the potential they could have had. But of course not all of sag moons have had that mindset.

Moving on, I love sag moon energy they give off because they will be the person who interacts with basially anybody even if the person seems kinda unapprocable and I think it has more to do with childhood experience or even the idea that it’s better to go off the energy a stranger gives off rather than the physical things they are doing. The other placements a person has could modify in the way they act upon this idea tho. Honestly I have met a couple of sag moons with leo placements who are very outgoing and very popular. While at the same time I have met sag moons who are more to themselves but still popular in some way.

For instance, I remember meeting one of my friends in my sophomore year of highschool (Sophomore year is the 10th year/grade for my non-american readers). Anyways the teacher basically made us into groups and I got paired up with them (along with my childhood friend and someone who turned out to have gone to the same schools as we did but somehow I never met them before that point). I felt this burst of energy just from talking to them and we became friends. I had a short crush on them but eventually those feelings converted to platonic feelings i guess. Weirdly enough, I didn’t figure out they were a sag moon till like a couple years ago, and things kinda clicked for me, because before I thought I became friends so quickly with them because of their gemini sun. Honestly both gemini suns and sag moons are my instant friends most times. I love gemini placements but sag moon have a special place in my heart.

PISCES

I am just to say this I don’t have much experience with pisces moon so I will mostly say meh things, but if there is anybody with a pisces moon I would love to hear from you. Now pisces moon is still a water sign at the end of the day so although it isn’t as intense as scorpio or cancer (imo) pisces is still more connected to their emotions than the other mutable moons. I feel like pisces moons probably have this disconnecting from reality vibe to them. Pisces is connected to Neptune the expert in fantasy. Now this isn’t to say they can’t be realistic it just seems like most times they choose to avoid the reality of their emotions sometimes. Pisces is the sister sign of Virgo so unlike Virgo pisces doesn’t go rationalize their emotions or take on other people’s emotional problems to avoid their own.

Gemini Moon

Gemini moons is by far the oddest moon sign I have read about. Like bruh I love gemini placements as you know but somehow any small change in placements can change so much about a person with a gemini moon. That’s not to say every gemini moon doesn’t share similarities tho.The thing is I have only really seen a little bit of gemini moons truly exist in the same space as me. Oh also apprenlty I would have been a gemini moon if I was born on my due date. Which would have rougly been 4/20 (yes yes haha weed reference but also hitler’s birthday and the anniversary of the columbine shooting is not a birthday even newborn me wanted. They just knew something wasn’t right about me being a taurus sun with a gemini moon) but honestly I am glad I decided to be born two weeks early. It’s funny to me when i found that out because my friend since childhood is a taurus sun with a gemini moon and I love her to death. She is family to me, but we are definetly two different people from how we were raised to our looks.

Anyways moving on enough about me. Gemini moons like any gemini placemnt is truly a moment by itself to have. Without something to ground a gemini placement though they tend to be seen as flaky and all that jazz. I said “tend to be seen as” rather than they are flaky because realistically speaking flaky is not how I would describe them. I can see why other people would see them that way tho. Are gemini moons confused about their emotions because they have a tendency to change yes, but I kinda think that is all mutable moons. I think gemini moons just tend to express it around people more if that makes any sense. I have seen gemini moons that talk about their emotions in the funniest of ways.

They are the sister sign of sagittarius so let’s get somewhat into that. Sag moons and Gemini moons both don’t enjoy conflict the difference is that Sag moons need to have somebody learning from this conflict but gemini moons try to ease the tension (unless they have water placements because oof I worry for you guys). I’ll give an example of what I mean. Let’s say there is an argument between two people and sag/gemini moon just happen to be there. It could go something like this.

A: Pineapples should not be on pizza, pizza is meant to not have fruit on it.

B:Pineapples are delicious and food should not be restricted.

Sag moon would be more along the lines of “What I think A is trying to say is that they do not want to be forced to eat pineapples on pizza. Now is that to say we can’t put things on our pizza that weren’t originally intended to be on it. That can go from person to person, but what I think B is trying to say is…” (honestly imagine a teacher trying to educate the class on something lol) Now a gemini moon would go more along the lines of insert funny joke here “blah blah hehe run away.” I am sorry but I can’t really explain the difference that well but I hope you guys got what I was roughly trying to explain.

That is about all I got for now. I am going to research more about astrology and I might edit this post as I learn more.

[blue-bells7]

The whole Punkflower age debate is so annoyingly funny to me because it’s just a bunch of people being racist and homophobic 💀

There’s literal hints and facts on hobie’s age throughout the show with the whole hinting that Gwen was into hobie or they were in some sort of relationship and Gwen’s 5moths older than miles

Okay so let me get this right hobie is somehow 19-20 years old an adult and Gwen’s 16 and there’s innuendos that there in some type of relationship yeah totally not weird

But I haven’t seen anyone talking about that at all but when ChaiPunk or PunkFlower comes in there’s a whole debate / issue

Also the whole Hobie acts like he’s years older than the others

HMMMMMM That’s probably because his world is fucked up he lives in a facist world, he’s an orphan, killed the president and some other things but he acts to old for his age

No shit he does bro has trauma on truama thrown at him he dosent really have time to act like a teen or a child it also explains why he’s living on his own

PunkFlower has been a thing way longer than ATSV and the whole confirmation on age thing

He’s talking about 42 Hobie and If you look up hobies age it says he’s in his teens and in the comics hobie is around the Same age as miles but okay 💀 you do you

Idk I think people just don’t do research and hop on what the other person said before and call that facts and than call others pedophiles and that it’s a proship

Art from Twitter @XMZ_0402

[japepperony]

See no one talks abt it so I keep it to myself but I have to tell y’all about this.

Once upon a time has been my favorite shown since I was five years old and that’s something that’s never changed. And there’s so many things they’ve missed in the show or they had and did badly with (season 7) and some of it is talked about and some isn’t.

So firstly. Can we please talk about how Regina didn’t love Robin at all. I feel like (as much as I love that show) they’re so based on one thing. “You can only have one truly” and I think that’s utter bullshit. Now listen I know it’s a fictional show. But Regina barely knew shit about him. She just yearned to be loved SOOOO much. She settled for the first person to except her. And it’s the same person, that ignored her dark side. And I’m 100% the kind of person who thinks. You can’t love someone without loving them wholly. And I don’t think he did that. He literally left her the minute his wife got back talking abt some fucking “I made a pack” oh shut up you shit head.

Secondly. I think they had so much potential with Zelena and Emma. And you’re probably like… bitch what? IM TALKING ABOUT FRIENDSHIP! I feel like zelena would definitely make a group chat and name it “coven sisters” with Emma and Regina. I think Emma and Zelena has sooo much in common. They would be really quick friends. And see each other as sisters. And maybe even best friends eventually.

Wtf was that aging shit. The seventh season was so confusing. I mean we got so many characters we DESERVED. But it was so fucking confusing. There’s so many doppelgängers and everyone is DEFINITELY related to everyone. And this is suppose to be a whole other universe but y’all saying when Regina was the evil queen she was with dr.faciler. Idk how to spell homeboy name. All I know. Is they wanted money. And that wasn’t the way to get it.

And lastly Emma is the fucking savior. STOP MAKING HER SUFFER. Im so tired of Regina this regina that. Who’s the main character? WHO IS IT? Also. She wasn’t in the last season. What were you trying to accomplish by NOT putting her in there?! Also the truama she has. The pain she has. Emma has had red in her eye-line from season four to season SEVEN. That girl is in pain. Unspeakable pain. And no one talks about. They say she got her happily ever after but home girl still suffering. Also that girl ain’t love hook. This is not some swanqueen agenda. This is me giving it to you straight. Hook said he HATED her. Even as dark ones. Emma still loved him. And Henry. Rumple still loved Neal. SO MUCH HE CASTED A CURSE FOR HIM. Even as a dark one they still were able to love the ones they love most. And shit LOVE THEM EVEN MORE. That’s how the dagger did it. Show you what you desire and STRIP IT FROM YOU. Hook ain’t love shit. NOTHING. NOT A DAMN THING. I think it was something they fed to themselves. They both desired to be loved. Him not wanting to me alone. And her simply because she’s the product of true love. She thinks she NEEDS it. She HAS to have it. And honestly I think she’s better alone.

Anyways… rant over. It’s 7:24 am. I haven’t been sleep. Goodbye children.

[theemporium]

don’t do this to me cece i cant read it in one day i have FINALS (ive BEEN having finals for 3 THREE weeks now.)

my jealousy rn ↗️↗️↗️↗️

anyways

✨spoilers my loves✨

is it just me or was az…not az-ing !??

and where’s my baby. where is cassian. what does this mean. at least in the first half

i’m at the part where lidia is with her kids for the first time

& ruhn. my sweetheart i cried over him

…also not to be mean but why is bryce comparing truamas. babes how is this his fault. what do you want. he’s BEEN suffering for 2000 years now leave him alone??????

and nesta is so 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

-💗

i don't wanna say much because i don't wanna ruin it for you but fuck me, bryce was so annoying😭she was so dismissive of hunt's trauma and concerns like??? not being funny, babe, you just entered this mess in the last few years. boy has been fighting it for thousands of years💀

i really loved azriel and nesta!! their friendship in this book was so🥹but it fucking annoyed me the way bryce kept betraying them as if she isn't the one that is a stranger in their world?? as if she has the upper hand?? idk this book just really ruined her for me which is a shame because i did love her character

BUT LIDIA HAVING KIDS WAS SUCH A ???? i audibly gasped and they spiralled with my friend for two hours after reading that chapter😭but her and ruhn are so !!!

anyways, all this book confirmed for me was that i desperately need the next acotar book because i need my babies back

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

On a completely different note I don’t think I have anything to add to the conversation because I think there is a lot of nuance to it and depeing on the situation and sincerity it’s used in. And this isn’t me saying I support or anything. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it

But I will say, the amount of times I’ve seen women post something only to have straight women fill the comments with “my husband doesn’t have to know”, “maybe I should leave my husband” , “turning me gay”, “I think she changed me” , “oooh maybe I’m not straight” etc etc etc as a way to compliment women and it’s all well and good and most people don’t care , only then for a lesbian to talk about “changing” a straight woman or “making a straight woman go gay” only to be met with a common section either saying she’s no better than a man or for people to start massively truama dumping about any bad experience they had with a lesbian …… I don’t know lol.

Like I’m not saying lesbians SHOULD say those things and definitely should go around acting like it. But I also know lesbians feel a lot of distance from how straight women tend to socialise and if they are seeing this everywhere I can understand why a flirty internet “😘” might say stuff like in a meme joking or ego boosting way.

I don’t know. I don’t want to say there is a double standard but there is just something about the whole situation

And again I’m not really praising or condemning anyone per se. Honestly I’m probably way too stupid to break down every aspect of this.

And I don’t think anyone should imply sexuality can or should be changed and no one should make anyone uncomfortable- but yeah lol. I hope I’m making sense

[scrunchie-87]

Wait, what did Noni do?

I just get really offended by all the making “jokes” of my cat drawings them butting in and overall victimization like “oh you hate me” like i didn’t but now i do.

People and mutuals have been talking to be about how insanely weird it was that Noni was an adult talking to minors about nsfw, and even though i personally don’t think it was that shitty everyone else seems to think so by alot, and those same people have been telling me to block noni for a while now.

Also that argument with ryan a few months ago in which they left the server because they can’t own up to how annoying and weird it was to claim i had “an inflation kink” out of no where and then get mad at Aj for inviting Ryan.

Ngl if you fight with Ryan that is def a red flag because Ryan has got to be the nicest most unproblematic person ever.

I was about to snap at them at any moment and i really don’t want to be viewed as AgressiveBitchTM so i blocked them.

As for you i don’t really dislike you i just don’t like it when you pop on my feed it just brings me bad memories, yes i forgive you but i just don’t feel very safe being around you. We also have vastly different things we like for example you like the dark stuff, jdchansaw, deep talk, truama and it’s effects and theres nothing wrong with that! I just perfer silly goofy times with chansaw.

I know that i have been a shitty person period. and that out of everyone i don’t really have a say in being non promblamatic it’s just getting tiring and frustrating at this point and the internet is supposed to be fun for the user so im blocking u guys to make it more dun for me

[septembersghost]

Jess sorry I didn’t get back right away life is silly sometimes and I really felt what you said about people not seeing it as a real loss i spent months breaking down the only people who really got it where those very close to me who knew she was my light. I still can’t believe it’s going to be a year soon it’s like time has moved so fast but hasn’t moved at all.

As of right now we are fine I even get to make thanksgiving dinner which I haven’t done since 2018 but after next week we don’t know the person we are staying with was just temporary and now we have to decide if we wanna try going back to California where no one can/wants to help or stay in North Carolina and see the help they can provide. So yea i’m not sure what next week holds. I know i developed ptsd from it the compound truama has really messed me up. A funny thing of note happened after I got out when folklore came out and I heard This Is Me Trying it was just a godsend of a song, as I was going back to a bad place and it kept me going, I then spent my next therapy session breaking done the song and giving her a full on lecture on the song.

You saying all that truly means so much and it’s like fate that I come back now and reconnected with you it’s nice to know that even apart we are still in this same boat with our life jackets on holding each other up ✨💜

please don't apologize, i'm atrocious at answering or replying to things in a timely matter ever (if at all sometimes 😭), i always understand that.

it as a real loss i spent months breaking down the only people who really got it where those very close to me who knew she was my light. i feel this completely. my mom was the only person in my life who understood and it's because she was experiencing the same grief. i had multiple family members dismiss it and it made that wound even worse. we should share with each other how real and affecting that sorrow is, and why they are so irreplaceable and important to us. there's a quote of mary oliver's, and i think it applies to any of our precious furbabies: "it is exceedingly short, [their] galloping life. [they] die so soon. I have my stories of that grief, no doubt many of you do also. It is almost a failure of will, a failure of love, to let them grow old—or so it feels. We would do anything to keep them with us, and to keep them young. The one gift we cannot give." they should be allowed to live as long as we do. the love lasts even longer.

it’s like time has moved so fast but hasn’t moved at all. i feel this beyond words too, time is has become such an unreal thing to me, frozen and flying and frightening all at once, because it never feels like it's moving until it's suddenly gone.

i'm happy you'll get to have thanksgiving dinner, and the enjoyment of making it, but i'm so, so sorry you have that fear looming over you again. :( i wish i could do something for you! the uncertainty is agonizing, i will be praying and hoping you and your mom find some help and a safe place. have you contacted local housing resources/counselors? (they were useless to us, unfortunately, the system is beyond broken, so...i get why that might not be a plausible or fast enough option.)

I know i developed ptsd from it the compound truama has really messed me up. this is totally understandable and not at all a failing on your part. i'm hugging you as close as i can from afar.

this is me trying is EVERYTHING, "a godsend of a song" is 100% true. god. that song and mirrorball carried me in 2020. timt was constantly on my mind when i returned here ("i didn't know if you'd care if i came back, i have a lot of regrets about that"). her empathy and skill with expressing emotion and putting humanity into words...it's miraculous to me. that song can fit many different experiences for us as listeners, and each one is true. "they told me all of my cages were mental" resonates deeply for me in regards to my chronic illness (as does the whole song), and the idea of the act of trying itself being the bravest thing. "pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down" and then making the decision not to fall. i think about what jack said in folklore lpss all the time: "the idea that not driving off the cliff is an act of trying. which is almost the ultimate act of trying." and what taylor said, "i've been thinking about people who [are suffering] or they have an everyday struggle. no one pats them on their back every day, but every day they are actively fighting something. but there are so many days that nobody gives them credit for that, so how often must somebody who's in that sort of internal struggle must want to say to everyone in the room, 'you have no idea how close i am to going back to a dark place, you have no idea.' i had this idea that the first verse would be about someone who has driven to this overlook, this cliff, and it's just in the car, going, 'i could do whatever i want in this moment, and it could affect everything forever.' but that person backs up and drives home." it's just. it's so important. what she created is so unbelievably important. she gave so many of us reasons to back up and drive home. folklore is an untouchable gift, i can't EVER talk about it enough. there's a reason why it became the heart and the emblem of that year, and why it will continue to live and breathe in the world, in us.

it's beautiful that you're here and means so much to me too, thank you for being in the boat with me, making sure we have our life jackets and some stars above us, no matter how vast and tumultuous the waves of the sea might be. at least we're trying. 💙💙💙

[kokokerome]

LMAO, now the liar is trying to backtrack with their insincere apologies. Like give me a fucking break, they tagged you on purpose to upset you. What a joke of a person. Sounds like someone is jealous that you’ve moved on to bigger and better things instead of repeating your past mistakes. I hope that person steps on a Lego for being so pathetic.

Anyway, your art is gorgeous, your new persona is too cute, and I hope you reach 100,000 followers on your Twitter and Twitch channel, Koko!

they’re also just making stuff up to make me look bad, they’re saying Lea still talks to Ryter but literally in the callout post of Lea these people had everywhere no where was Lea or beau called a groomer and they were said to even distance themselves from Ryter

But what narrative sounds better, the pedo apologist is nice to a groomer and friend of a groomer or the person who argues with and bullies pedos for hours is nice to someone who has distanced themselves from a groomer after finding out.

they pretend I’ve defended lea when really I was going through my own sexual truama at the time and didn’t want to read a thread about a minor getting groomed for my health, and I’ve told Lea personally what I disagree with how they handled parts of the situation as well as publicly where I speak about the stuff I’m against les and beau for doing. And not once have I ever defended Ryter. AT ALL, there’s a reason they don’t have screenshots to back up these claims. And the ones they have used they remove the context from the comment.

[fuckedamygdala]

atp idk how i feel ab sex , with all my csa trauma i became hypersexual and use sex as a form of sh , which also is perpetuated by my bpd but some days i think sex is terrifying and others i am hypersexual , i’ve had many consensual experiences but also a lot of non . when i had my second to last ex i had to break up w just bc she lived the other side of the country , i had sex obviously but also i feel like i did it to take back what i was stolen of when i was a kid . i’ve done that a lot to have sex just to take back the truama . but i’ve never fell in love really , it’s just my bpd making me connect to them and think they’re the best person ever , not real romance and i don’t think i’ve been sexually attracted to any of my partners either , even ones i’ve had experiences w . i just tjink i had it to take back the truama

im not even saying this bc i hare my exes . i mean i do despise most my exes , but my most recent two i am still friends with and i talk a lot to both of them were basically very good friends we text a lot still . all the rest i despise but that’s not why i’m saying i haven’t been romantically or sexually attracted , i genuinely aren’t , bc i haven’t found attraction i think all positive obsessive emotions are love , but it’s just my bpd

like im sexually attracted to some like famous ppl bc yk they’re fine af but whenever it comes to relationships i am never attracted in that way i just yearn for the sexual aspects bc of my truama . i yearn for sex but not sexual attraction . i feel like once i have a chance to fuck someone the attraction isn’t there . like people around me that are in my life not halfway across the globe and celebrities , they don’t sexually appeal me and i’ve only realised it now

but i do wanan be in a romantic sexual relationship even if i don’t feel the attraction , i will love them and be there for them nonetheless also who knows i might start getting romantic attraction , i don’t think k will with sexual attraction but i obviously still want sex

[polyamorouspunk]

Yes apparently there is.

I’ll edit a read more tag on this when I’m done with writing it.

Okay so half of the tags I had were filled up with me saying that I feel like I’m already talking about this too much in my vent channel in my own server which I’m probably not but anyway I also said that like I have friends I do feel comfortable venting about without worrying about taxing the relationship but one of them is my best friend who I’ve started talking to a lot more this year but we still only talk like once a week and then the other is my other best friend who will just disappear for months and then show up again later like sorry I was gone for months I’m back for a bit now before I disappear for another few months. And then I have one friend on discord but they’re not the kind of friend I want to be like “I really need someone to talk to right now are you around” to I’m fine with them just answering when they get around to it if they do. Also I just don’t naturally vent to my mom because TrUaMa And then I also just hate venting about my bullshit on social media but that’s what I use this blog for a little bit now and while I’m cutting down I’m going to say this because I just don’t feel like I can reach out to any one person about it. So I’m at least putting it under a read more.

Okay so anyone who has seen my posts in the past 2 days might have picked up that work is a shitshow again and anyone whose been following me for the past year might remember that I was having issues with one manager (J) where he was just saying that I was catching attitude with him, he was just taking issue with me and thinking I was being really rude with him and in turn ended up being really rude to me, etc.

So all this started last week when J, another manager K, and some employees spent like 4+ hours in the office just sitting around and talking while me and a few other people were out on the floor. So I get to work that day and I pop in the office and I sit and talk to them for about 25 minutes or so before I head out to the register because I know I’m taking over for my friend when she gets off in half an hour, so since everyone is in the office, I hang out with her for her last half hour while occasionally helping customers with showing them where things are. She expresses to me that she’s actually quite annoyed that they have been in there so long and that she thinks they should be out on the floor. I had no idea they had all been in there for like 3 hours at this point. She leaves and I’m on the register and a few times my line backs up but not to the point where I feel like I need to call for backup or I’m just busy ringing and I can’t spare a moment to call. So another coworker of mine notices and goes in and tells them I need backup and I guess they said “if she needs backup she should call for it” and he was like “you all should stop bullshitting in the office and be out on the floor doing your jobs which include making sure the line doesn’t back up and helping her when she needs it”. So he texts the head manager and lets him know what’s going on, and that’s the day that when I got off the register I walked around in circles for an hour because there isn’t anything to do but I also know that I’m on the clock and I need to be on the floor. Eventually I also stand up front with all of them after them hiding in the office and the break room for like 5 hours where they talk about all their weird shit and once again I go man I must be asexual or something because what the fuck are you all on about.

Anyway J, K, and said employees got in HUGE trouble for sitting in the office for 4+ hours for good reason. K is already having other issues with us and the store, and she’s super fucking petty and downright a bully tbh, I learned that she didn’t show up for her shifts for like a week even though she’s a manager and I know she’s thinking about quitting and she’s on the rocks right now of getting fired and a petty part of me hopes she does but she has a bigger role to play in this so that’s just that for now. So she’s pissed for like a day or so but J is pissed for days. Like not talking to people etc. just ignoring people. Etc. Which brings me to my shift last night.

Last night I come in, the normal cashier has called out so my friend is the cashier for the night. I see a chair up at the register so, not intending to stay and like “sit there” on the job I just take a seat kind of as like a joke and for kicks. I get up and do some other stuff I sit down for a few minutes I get back up and do things etc. At some point my nausea kicks up because I have IBS that comes with my fibro. I’ve had an ultra sound, a biopsy, and I’ve even sent in a goddamn stool sample which is like hella TMI for this conversation but what I’m getting at is that’s at least 3 different tests over many months where doctors have gone “we don’t know what’s wrong with you or why your sick” so once again this is not an abnormal symptom for me, this is really common and I just treat it myself by chewing gum, etc. Cut back to last night. I’m sitting in this chair and I’m like man I’m glad this chair is here haha I don’t feel so good and my friend is like yeah etc. etc. and J comes up to me and is like “Are you pregnant?” And I’m like “No but I’m nauseous” and he literally said “There’s medication for that. Unless you’re 7 months pregnant” (aka why the chair was up there) “you don’t get to sit down” and made me stand up and quite literally took the chair away.

A little while later I am Very Unwell, to the point I am working for a few minutes, then running to the break room to sit, then working a few minutes, then running to the break room, then working a few minutes, then dragging my ass to the bathroom to see if my bowels need to explode or if this is just how it is. I sit and listen to an old lady literally have diarrhea 2 stalls down for like 5 minutes so this is NOT me “just taking a little break” in the bathroom. I am sitting there in just as much pain as I’m sure she’s in. I head out and my friend looks at me and just goes “Are you okay?” And I go “No I feel very sick and I want to go home but I’m in too much pain to drive myself home so I guess I’m going to stay”. And I stay up front with her until I have to take over the register for her and as I’m talking to her I’m like man J was really fucking rude about that and she goes “yeah, the other day I had a line and he came out of the break room and really snarky said that I should have called for backup and I said I did on the scanner and he had an attitude with me and I don’t know why” so of course now I’m like okay! Because No One Talks To Her Like That™️ so he eventually stops ignoring both of us after that and talks to us as he needs and then goes back to ignoring us.

So I come in this afternoon after my friend has already been there and I talk to my manager who is super sweet and loves me (R) who I go to with all of my problems and I say listen R I have stuff to tell you, last night all this happened and she said I know, [friend] already told me everything, she said you were super pale and super weak and really sick, that comment about how “there’s medicine for that” was super uncalled for and I’m so mad on your behalf, I know how much pain you have been in and so does [store manager] I’m going to talk to him about it, this can’t go on.

And I think that’s the end. I dab the corners of my eyes, I go back to working, we get a truck in, I’m happy, I’m smiling, I’m talking to my other coworkers and J is still lowkey ignoring us and I just let it slide until we think we hear another truck and we look at each other and I go “oh no” and we check and it’s not our store and we’re like whew haha I love when it’s not our store and that was fine and pleasant and nice and okay and I’m like cool guess he’s not mad right now etc.

And then the bathrooms happened.

So if you *didn’t* see my post, what happened was I finished the truck, I told K “I’m going on break, and then what would you like me to do” and she’s like “I’m going to have you be cashier unless [coworker] gives me an attitude about it but he’s been up there all day with [friend] and there doesn’t need to be two cashiers when there’s so much freight to put out” and I’m like that’s very true we’ll I’m going on break see you and then I get off break and I hop on the register and I notice that [coworker] is still on his register and he is very grumpy and I’m just rolling with it and I see that he isn’t planning on moving so I hop off to find K and be like “hey do you want me or him on the floor” but as I’m looking for her I hear him yell “I HAVE TO PEE” really fucking pissy and I’m like okay well I’m on the register anyway K wants you on the floor” and I see him go to the bathroom and he comes back really quick and I say something and he’s like “I didn’t even get to pee yet” and I didn’t ask why because it’s none of my business but then I realize as everyone (J, coworker, other coworker, K) crowd around the bathroom that a kid who was in our store got shit e v e r y w h e r e. So of course it was “well I’m not cleaning that up” and idk I guess it was this whole huge ordeal, I was on the register, coworker started getting suited up to clean it, he was dropping the f bomb left and right under his breath about it, I don’t blame him but I’m not saying shit, and then J comes out and offers to clean it. And I don’t say shit about that either I just let it all happen and help out where needed. And all that was well and good until the VERY end of our shift when I was literally ALREADY CLOCKED OUT and ON MY WAY OUT THE DOOR when J comes out of the office and out of NOWHERE says “And you all have got to stop getting me in trouble for the stupidest fucking shit like not coming for backup when you use the scanners or whatever” and coworker is still pissed so he just looks at him and very coldly and with fucking rage says “Okay, I understand” and I say “well I don’t use the scanners because you told me not to” but I KNOW he is referring what my friend said he was being snarky to her about even though it had NOTHING to do with me OR him. So I go in my car and I sit there and I think and I go fuck. Fuck. Like I can’t not say anything. He literally just cussed us out. So I sigh and I look at my phone and I do not have R’s number. I do have the store manager’s number. But I don’t want to text him. I know my ass is already being hauled into that office come Sunday. But I sigh. And I get out. And I lock my fucking car. And I go inside. And I find K, who is still a bitch. And I look at her and I just say “I need to talk to you.” And she just looks at me and she says “okay let’s go to the office” because my face is dead serious. I get to the office and I just loose my shit. I throw out the chair and plop my ass down and throw my glasses off my face and I put my head in my arms and I just fucking start sobbing. And I’m like I’m so sorry but this is what happened and I’m coming back on my own behalf and [coworker]’s. And I tell her everything. And I say “J is still mad because our coworker and R snitched on you guys for being in the office” and I saw her face drop and she said “R snitched on us too?” And I saw the literal heartbreak and betrayal in her face and I felt So. Fucking. Bad. I don’t even like her but I just saw her whole world get turned upside-down and I felt so bad and I just said yeah she did but anyway I know you were mad about that for like a day but he’s still mad about it and taking it out on us and I already told R about what happened last night but this is what happened as I was leaving and I came back to tell you and she just was like goddamn it I’m so tired of all this pointless drama and I’m just like yeah me too even though I feel like we’re on opposite sides of the drama. And then another coworker came in and was like I’m so tired of the drama too. And it’s like if we’re all so tired of the drama why is there drama.

Anyway I know that we’re all getting out asses hauled into the office after this and I can’t see J not getting fired. K is already halfway to getting fired and considering quitting even with only a month left. I don’t really like her but I also don’t blame her for quitting. I get along with her most of the time anyway and I was hoping she gets fired but I kind of need her now. I just. Ugh. It’s so fucking bad. It’s a shitstorm right now and it’a going to be hell this weekend. I don’t work tomorrow but everyone who does is just going to try and keep their heads down. I work Sunday though and that’s when we’re probably all getting pulled into the office. R just wants us all to get along. I just want to keep my head down and work. I know we’re all snitching on each other but I really am only snitching about J being directly rude to me (and K when she’s rude to me as well). It’s just so much.

Anyway I’m sorry for the long post I just needed to vent about it and get it off my chest.

Does anyone want to hear about the fun bullshit going down at the dying store

[writingsofhubris-a]

Grace for Sale

[AO3] Rating: E WC: 3.2K Tags: Blood and Gore, Torture, Blood Kink, Magic, Buried Alive, Eye Trauma, hand Truama, Knives, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat Fandom: Sorcerer's Apprentice Ship: Maxim Horvath/ Reader Disc: Happy Halloween, enjoy Maxim torturing his lover's abusers in front of them.

“I will say. There is rarely a reason for obscene, gratuitous violence. Harming another just for the sake of those actions alone?” A soft ‘tsk’ fell from Maxim’s lips. “No. It is pointless, it is worthless to bloody one’s own clothes, soil one’s own skin with another’s blood.” There was silence in the woods, when Maxim’s voice echoed to a stop. 

“Who-”

“Don’t waste my time with pointless questions.” His dark eyes flickered up, finding the man who’d asked the question. “Do you know the benefit of living for as many years as I have?” 

“I'm older than-”

“No, you very much aren’t.” Shadows fell across the clearing in differing measure; the near pitch blackness meddling together into a tangible entity. The oppressive feeling, the deathly silence, tightened around chests. It was stifling, and freezing, and each of the three acted as though they were unable to breathe, if only for a moment. 

The lash of pain to their eyes was caused by a sudden, bright floodlight, illuminating the dying last flowers of spring, the start of crunchy grass underfoot. 

Maxim finally came into the light, his well fitted jacket imposing a sight that kept their breaths tight in their chests. 

“Final question, and I do hope at least one of you knows the answer to this. It will be for your benefit if you do. 

“Do you know why you three have been brought here?” Now illuminated, they all looked between the others, confusion growing as they were able to apprise the others. The confusion grew, until a name was spoken, whispered among the trees, a hiss following the syllables. Maxim watched the confusion melt from each face, expressions once again morphing. One with contempt, another with disgust, the last with a sickening smile on their face. 

“There we are. See, I, once, took an oath to protect all of humanity, to protect any that could ask for help. It didn’t take me terribly long to realize that was *not* the path that I wished to take, offering hours of labor for the chance at bread. It was made clear to me that those who love often find themselves hurting those who are not meant to be hurt. But more often than not, I found myself seeing the monsters who claimed to love. I found that love was an excuse, love was a lie, used to cover the truth of humanity: living is pain.” Maxim finally stepped closer to the three, his cane tapping into dried grass, cracking on pinecones. 

“Do you know how many years I now have lived? How much pain that brings to a person?” His stance was wide, at the feet of the middle person. “Do you know how much pain there really is in this world?” With an almost casual effort, Maxim lifted his cane, almost inspecting the black shaft in the darkness provided by his torso. 

Looking at the ground, his polished shoe lifted only slightly, looking down at the man. 

“Do you know how much pain a single human can survive? I do.” His hand took the bottom of his cane, holding the roughened tip in his palms, the head now tilted down to the grass. “I have experienced more variety of pain than I know you will ever find in this world.” Maxim's second hand took the cane, and with a strength hidden by his coat, he drove the head of his cane directly between the man’s legs, a scream let loose in the woods. 

“Please do be as loud as you’d like. No one can hear you, this far out.” The cane was pulled back, only to complete the rotation with the jewel being driven directly into the throat of the third man. “Only the coyotes, and they do fancy a meal around this time.” His head turned to the final person, a smile on his lips, nearly deadly. 

It was at that moment that 

The head of the cane started to glow blue again, and the untouched man suddenly struggled to peel the branch that suddenly appeared around his neck, nearly too tight to breathe through. 

Legs kicked out, trying to find enough purchase to gain traction once more. Nothing seemed to be enough, the branch simply tightening even harder the more he struggled. 

"Shall we see how many years of pain we shall condense into tonight, hm?" 

"No, no. No," the word was repeated in a fury by each man, still with energy to protest, to argue. Each plea fell onto deaf ears. Maxim didn't care, didn't even delegate enough attention to them to even really process the words any more than he allowed the wind whistling through the leaves on the branches. The metal head of the cane fell hard onto the choking man's hands, a sudden shout of pain all that was allowed out. 

"We can do better than that." The head of Maxim's cane glowed blue, and the hand was manipulated to pull from the restraints, onto to rest above his knee by about two feet. His shoulder struggled to pull away from the magic force to no avail. 

"Is she worth losing your soul?" 

"They would be. If I still had one." The blue jewel came down onto his hand, bones crunching in a satisfying way, an indent in the skin from the sudden lack of skeletal support. Another, harder hit, and the skin split, a bone fragment slivered through the rough flesh. The rain of blows only finished when nothing but a few veins and a couple tendons connecting the remaining fingers to the wrist. His cries had disappeared into whimpers, and once the onslaught was done, his sounds only turned to soft gasps, trying to sequester the pain out of his mind. 

The handle of his cane then met the man's breastbone, simply resting on the spot. Blood smeared over the already ruined shirt. The blood was smeared into a nearly perfect target, a small x mark of blood. 

Instead of allowing a weapon to fall, allowing pain to proliferate, Maxim merely pulled his cane back, inspecting just where the blood and sinew had caught, before driving the metal down onto the collarbone of the man with the smile. The crack rang again, another sound of pain, and for his trouble, he was rewarded with the other side of his collarbone broken as well. 

Each sound of pain ended up mixing with the sound of blows, the small clearing little more than a scene of horror. Time lost meaning as he returned years old blows, injuries that were all but forgotten to their memories. 

When the head of his cane was coated in blood, Maxim took the first steps to you, recognizing you were even there for the first time in nearly an hour. His cane was set to the ground next to your feet, and his bloodied hand rubbing up your calf, streaking the skin with red. His lips touched your knee as he looked up at you. 

With a fluid motion, he stood, taking the rag folded near you to clean off the bulk of the blood. As soon as both hands were clean, he unbuttoned his jacket, and smoothly laid it over your shoulders, the thick fur settled around your face, cutting the cold wind from your cheeks. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” His lips pressed to your cheek, swathing you through the wool with his heat. “Were you cold? You’re shivering.” You pressed your cheek to his, taking a deep breath in, before nodding. His scent surrounded you, curled around your body. 

“Thank you, sir.” His lips pressed against your cheek once more, before pulling away from you, once more ignoring your existence. His hands rolled the sleeves of his shirt up, expert fingers folding the fabric just so. Ink buried deep in his skin at last shone in the harsh light, and from your vantage you could see them flicker in frustration, flitting around his skin, waiting for the chance to express their own frustration. 

“I could list every single incident they’ve told me.” You saw his fingers start to pull at his glove, sliding the fine fabric off his fingers. His fingers tightened for a moment before storing the gloves in one of his pockets. "Every dire second of pain, even nights they spent alone, believing themselves to be broken…" he softly tutted, ending with a soft laugh. 

"No, instead why don't I just…" looking at the one who's face at shore with contempt, Maxim one again pulled his cane back, and allowed the handle to embed itself in his cheekbone, shattering the thick ridge of bone. His screams only lasted for a few moments, until the cane returned its path and dislocated the man's jaw. Whimpers fell instead, any jeers possible effectively cut off from his mouth. 

The lapel of Maxim’s jacket suddenly, without any obvious cause, moved from your chest, and two of the knives he always housed in the inner pocket carefully floated to him, before he pulled them from the air. The face that had so shortly before been filled with Contempt looked at him, trying to find any source of pity. 

"Please… please my good man, allow me…"

"Pity? I will allow you the same pity that you allowed them each time they asked you. We can all assume how much that is."

"Good God, you can't be that…" Maxim cut in.

"Unjust? Painful? Cruel? No, you each have crimes to atone form, crimes there is no proof for, no evidence for the jury to weigh against testimony." Knelt as he was, it was hard to see just what he was doing, just what his hands were adjusting on each of the tied up men. The blade once again flashed into the light, sharp edge nearly the only highlighted spot. 

Maxim let the knife tilt up the chin of the one who had disgust on his face. "I'll take your tongue as your punishment." Then, to his left. The blade pushed up on the dislocated jaw, almost popping it to its home, but it fell short with Maxim’s thumb squishing down the shattered bone further into cartilage and muscle. "And your eyes as my trophy." His knife then moved to the chin of the one who had smirked at first, any form of cockiness well disappeared from his face. "But you? I'll be happy to alleviate you of your cock." 

Well practiced with these blades, the knife was grasped hard in Maxim's hand, and his hand came down to aim the blade directly into the third man's shoulder, strong metal slid through flesh and chipped into bone. His scream managed to ring through the clearing again, before it tapered off into a sob. 

"What are you?" 

"A man who refuses to allow harm to come to what's mine." As if using a joystick, Maxim let magic flood through the metal into the man's nervous system, convulsions suddenly shaking through him. 

"Stop! Just kill us!" The magic stopped, and Maxim allowed the blade to pull out of the man, knowing better than to keep a weapon so easily in their reach. 

Instead of responding, he only took the time to drive his foot directly into that man’s hip, the joint missed, yet the pelvic bone hit. 

Branches rustled, the shouts of pain almost seeming to cause it. 

“Your wish will be granted.” Once more, Maxim’s thumb pushed into his face, bone fragments ground against each other. Then, the knife came close to his face, mere inches from the sphere of his eye. The very tip of the sharp metal moved closer, piercing the gelatinous orb. “If you shift your eyes even a millimeter, this cut will worsen.” As if by the mere suggestion, the man’s eye darted down, cornea sliced in but a mere second. 

The scream that rang through the clearing allowed the rest to fall to shame, agony shook through branches and dead leaves. It wasn’t until it tapered off that you heard Maxim’s voice again. 

“I did warn you.” His arm flexed, clearly driving it deeper, before twisting. The pleas that fell were incomprehensible, and his feet kicked out in a futile effort to inflict pain onto the man who had just caused so much to him. 

When maxim moved to one of the other victims, you could see tears streaked over one cheek, but blood mirrored on the other side. His head fell against the trunk of the trea he was tied against, shallow breaths moved his chest in the smallest of movements. Pain seemed to filter weakly through his nerves in small jerks of his legs. 

Maxim’s cane was pressed into the inner thigh of the smirking man, pressing the skin to the side. A deep red started to glow from his lap. His legs didn't respond quite right, one leg kicking out before a resounding pop came from his hip. Foot turned the wrong way around, he couldn’t even attempt to move the leg, only broken gasps fell from his lips. 

That knife found home in the hole from earlier, digging back into cartilage and bone. The yell rose and fell, his head turning away from the knife, an attempt to put some space between the blade and his own body.

Maxim cupped the blood pouring from the wound, allowing a small amount of blood to gather on his palm. There wasn’t a terrible lot that he caught, only a couple tablespoons or so. Hair still in his eyes, he took the chance to smooth his hair back, dark locks sticking together with the organic liquid. The red didn’t show against his dark locks, but shine appeared on the strands. 

His other hand smeared down his locks tighter against his head. A river of blood ran down the back of his neck, dispersed into the sheen of sweat on his skin, soaked into the light linen of his shirt. Maxims shoulders rose, then fell, a deep breath pulled into his lungs. 

"Don't worry. One of you is going to be lucky now." You saw his cane rise, the tip pointed at the one with that smile. "You, I think." 

You saw the glow of his cane, slowly getting brighter in the dark area. 

“But don’t think that you’ll get out of this easily. This little spell will boil every drop of blood out of your skin.” A twist of his cane in his fingers, and the man went silent. “And this will make your end feel like eternity.” 

Your hands tightened on the ropes wound around your wrists, not terribly tight or painful, only enough to hold you to the spot he wanted you; just on the wrong side of the floodlights, hidden from the view of the writhing masses illuminated. 

Even as Maxim walked to you, just as much control over his steps as he ever did, you couldn't find fear in your body. The torture he'd just preformed could never be allowed to pass from his hand to your body. Even as the blood soaked knife touched your jaw and tilted your head up, the only comparison in your head was to an avenging God, a divine creature covered in a demon's black ichor. 

"Alright, sweetheart?" 

"Maxim…" His eyes were on your tongue as it darted out to lick your lower lip. "Please." Your wrists tugged on the ropes, pleading to touch him again. The lick of cotton disappeared from your skin as the ropes fell away. Maxim didn't stop you as your hands moved to the catch of his pants, his heavy cock guided directly into your waiting mouth, eyes looking up at his heated gaze. 

A blood coated hand slipped to the side of your neck, trying to guide himself deeper into you, searching out your heat. Tacky blood transferred from his hand as you greedily worked to bring him pleasure. 

Maxim’s soft sighs entered the ambient noises of pained groans and shifting leaves, death rattles and skittering roaches. 

When he finally pulled his hips away, his length slipping out of your mouth, his hand had to force you back to the chair instead of follow him. The knife he'd been holding moved to your throat, a thin line of red transferred to the skin. 

"Patience, pet." He waited until you stopped squirming, looking at him with bated breath. "Much better. I don't want to nick you." The blade then shifted, a sharp edge splitting the front of your shirt to his eyes, allowing him the moments to look over your body. Nearly carelessly, he threw the knife to the side, the sound muffled as it hit the dead grass. "Stand up." 

There was no hesitation, and Maxim turned the sturdy chair around, the back now facing the three husks of what used to be men. Still mostly tied up, they couldn't have known what you were going to do, even if the flood lights were illuminating you. Maxim guided you onto the chair, knees on the seat, and hands holding the back. His body was warm behind you, a security even as each of the people who had hurt you were unable to move, to register anything before them. 

His coat, still over your shoulders, was thrown over your body, and your pants pulled down. Blood coated fingers slipped between your legs, feeling the slick that had gathered. He couldn ‘t hold back after feeling that, allowing his cock to slowly spear you open, position forcing you to be trapped between maxim and those that Masxim had so recently tortured. 

“You’re mine.” He settled inside you, cock rested as deep as his thrust allowed him. “Just mine, from now on.” He allowed himself a couple short thrusts, a sigh fell from his lips to your neck. “No one will hurt you again.” Your hand reached back to grab his, and you guided it between your legs, that extra bit needed for your peak. His fingers, so very familiar with your sex, started to work you just as his thrusts started in earnest. 

He knew just how to thrust himself into your body, heavy and thick, as his growls fell. Each sound was complimented with a thrust, just intent on your peak. 

“The only time they will touch you again is now, this blood. They won’t be able to hurt another person.” His lips moved to your ear, hot breaths fell against the edge. A kiss to the shell, and Maxim started to thrust deeper, harder into you. 

He only slowed slightly when his cane was in his hand again, the final knife stored in his jacket slowly lifting out of the silken lining. The blades lifted, his free hand grasped your chin, and tilted your head up to watch. 

In only a moment, that blade embedded in the chest of the one with contempt. 

Seeing the sudden spurt of blood was all you needed to cum, his mouth pressed against your neck, kissing along the expanse offered to him. He came deep inside you, claiming you in a new way. 

"What are you going to do with the last one?" Your foot trailed over the outside of his thigh, a soft plea for affection.

His tacky hand was on your hip, allowing his breath to slowly steady again. 

“What would you want me to do?” 

“How long can a restraint spell last?” 

“As long as I will it.” 

“Good. Bury him between those two, in restraints.” Your lip curved up on that last word. “Alive.”