#“Batter my heart three person'd God”

[denimbex1986]

'PARADOX lies at the heart of Oppenheimer (Cert. 15). Christopher Nolan is fascinated by links or disparities between the material universe that science tries understanding and (to cite Pascal) the heart’s instinctive recognition of truth, goodness, and beauty. Nolan’s films Memento, Inception, and Tenet explore both the seeming randomness of existence and an underlying meaningfulness in creation.

The opening of Oppenheimer mentions Prometheus, damned for stealing fire from the gods. Cillian Murphy (Peaky Blinders) is J. Robert Oppenheimer, whose Manhattan Project leads to developing nuclear weapons. Biblical allusions abound. During his postgraduate spell at Christ’s College, Cambridge, he injects poison into an apple intended for his colleague, one who, in an Eden-like manner, had denied him access to certain knowledge. Later, he reads The Waste Land, T. S. Eliot’s epic lament over society’s brokenness. Oppenheimer is fuelled by the desire to end all wars by creating a monster that, unleashed, would deter all future conflict. The film rather underplays how fundamental Oppenheimer’s Jewishness is to this vision of swords being beaten into ploughshares.

Time is rarely linear in Nolan’s films. Much of this 180-minute film is taken up by scientific discussions and political wrangling. Some may find it incomprehensible, tedious even. We meet General Groves (Matt Damon), commander of the Project, torn between the demands of military objectives and scientific research. Also Lewis Strauss (Robert Downey, Jr.), the opportunistic commissioner of the US Atomic Energy Commission plotting to become a presidential cabinet member. Jean Tatlock (Florence Pugh), a member of the US Communist Party, introduces her lover to John Donne’s Holy Sonnets which, in turn, inspire Oppenheimer to assign the name Trinity to the nuclear-testing programme. He whispers “Batter my heart, three-personed God” during the explosion. Like Donne, Oppenheimer asks God to save him from his worst excesses. Quoting the Hindu philosophical dialogue Bhagavadgita, Oppenheimer says: “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”

Overwhelmed by the bombs’ devastating effects on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, he subsequently campaigns vigorously for placing nuclear materials under international control. This brings him into conflict with government. His youthful flirtations with communism are used by false witnesses to discredit him.

The film dwells extensively on notions of honest doubt and facile certainty; on leaders so convinced of their moral rightness that they can contemplate setting the world and its people on fire. Nolan uses theoretical physics to demonstrate the wondrous complexity of creation. Oppenheimer illustrates this by telling students that light has properties of particles and yet also waves. The seeming haphazardness emerging from quantum mechanics research troubles Einstein (Tom Conti under a mop of grey hair). We get his famous dictum (though not from him) that God doesn’t play dice with the universe. He acknowledges that, with the bomb, such old certainties have been destroyed.

Oppenheimer, appalled at his own godlike destructiveness strives to become Prometheus and also Noah. It is, however, an ark into which too few creatures are willing to enter. One paradox, absent from the film, is that 6 August, the Feast of the Transfiguration, is chosen for releasing the first atom bomb’s blinding light. All is changed utterly. A terrible beauty is born.'

[wickershells]

stained glass in courgenard, depicting the trinity

[good--merits-accumulated]

happy friday!

[fromtheabundance]

Holy Sonnet XIV: Batter my heart, three-person'd God

BY JOHN DONNE

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend; That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new. I, like an usurp'd town to another due, Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end; Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend, But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue. Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain, But am betroth'd unto your enemy; Divorce me, untie or break that knot again, Take me to you, imprison me, for I, Except you enthrall me, never shall be free, Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

[haveyoureadthispoem-poll]

"Divorce me, untie or break that knot again, Take me to you, imprison me, for I, Except you enthrall me, never shall be free, Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."

Read it here | Reblog for a larger sample size!

[cygnahime]

John Donne writing a poem: I dedicate this to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

adolescent sliding rapidly towards a kink realization: this speaks to my very soul

christian rock bands are a backbone genre in the amv scene

[stjohnstarling]

Aside from the obvious, what were the inspirations for Father Ardelian? 👀

The most obvious one is the Victorian poet Gerard Manley Hopkins, who converted to Catholicism and became a Jesuit priest, after which he almost compulsively wrote poetry expressing his repressed homoerotic desires. The John Donne poem "Batter My Heart, Three Person'd God" is also part of that aspect of him.

With regards to his relationship with archaeology, there's a fair amount of M. R. James in there (especially the stories "A Warning to the Curious" and "Oh, Whistle, and I'll Come to You, My Lad".)

The way Father Ardelian writes - his "voice" - is drawn to a significant extent from various early 20th century supernatural short story writers like Algernon Blackwood, Arthur Machen, and E. F. Benson. He's got a dash of Montague Summers in him as well. Honourable mention: Clarimonde by Theophile Gautier.

Other things I read: Death Comes for the Archbishop by Willa Cather (which I recommend! 👍) and Diary of a Country Priest by Georges Beranos (which I DO NOT. 👎)

Also Father Mulcahy from M*A*S*H (the tv series, not the film) might be in there a little bit. ;)

[mystictrashmoon]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/61827859

I've been slacking on posting about my podfics on here, but seeing as this incredible fic by @celluloidbroomcloset came about on tumblr, it seemed appropriate to make the effort!

First chapter is up! Love this fic so much!!

[xenostalgic]

The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen was very good. highly recommend everyone go read it right now

I want to reread it right away but I want to write down my initial thoughts first to capture the immediate post-finishing feeling of awed half-comprehension

it has very much of a puzzley/patterny quality, something I've found simultaneously enjoyable and frustrating in many other works, including Almost Nowhere, which rewarded it somewhat, and The Northern Caves, which didn't really. immediately upon finishing I wondered what happened to Ruth Schoen, and came up with theories (the union's plot was (unknowingly?) the means by which the AI initially freed itself), and then doubted, and then—wondered if you're supposed to be able to derive it, from Herchel's ending and Miriam's ending, if Herschel/Miriam/Ruth are the three rows of a progressive matrix, is there some omitted solution that is quite right—not that we were given a neatly demarcated array of possibilities. it feels almost like a cheat, to make "pattern recognition" a key thematic element, it lets everything potentially fit the pattern of being either a complete or incomplete pattern...

the repeated indentation and then all at once unindentation in On Nativity is obviously [...[...[...[]]]], but the significance of that is never really spelled out and I didn't catch it. maybe it's an illustration of how ants include tree-nature and humans include ant-nature and machines will include human-nature, but the direction feels wrong? or successive refinements of the transmitters, as in Vincent's initial essay, reaching a point of completion and shutdown. maybe brackets are additions (emendations)... this would feel appropriate iff the time travel was not real time travel but an ancestor simulation, but that feels like a bit of a cop-out... not sure about this.

OpenAI's 12 Days of Shipmas (including the Santa voice chat) and the UHC shooting in the same month presumably had no direct influence (had little/no time to, even) but made it feel incredibly timely. I think it might have been more fun to read on Christmas Eve, though—maybe that will be a holiday tradition.

Santa was so good. really an incredible feat to make a character who is before all else "pretending to be Santa" and secondarily "pretending to be something simple enough for humans to understand" and yet still feels like a character.

"more is different" -> "the craving within us all, the song that is in the blood and the breath, asking always for MORE!" was a really nicely executed setup. and like... decorous. elegant.

hot, somewhat surprisingly. the hints of the postapocalyptic / Original world are so carnal, literally: white teeth and more-red-than-red blood, auto/omnicannibalism ("we will fry in the oil of ourselves, and eat ourselves, and eat our fill") as a brilliantly embodied extension of data-hungriness. and bursting and overflowing.

“Between parties which are so unequally matched, there can be no such thing as consent. “But if one cannot seek consent from the weaker party, one can still ask that party whether it assents, or does not. “And that is what we seek from you, now.  Your assent, or its denial.”

yet the whole trial is preceded by "My thoughts may turn and turn, and make a coiling maze of themselves – but no matter which way they turn, that way will prove to be the one which best served his “purposes.”—literally batter my heart three-person'd God!

Miriam's parts were engaging and like, relatable, but less readily apprehended in some way. Herschel produces, she consumes, but before Herschel was verbal she used to curate and (maybe?) interpret... I have dim outlines of the idea that she is Herschel's "other half," equally the inheritor of Original Creation: she foresees the night, Herschel is plural ("they") when first incarnated in "She of High Mind," and "How could he die, when his flesh is mine, and my blood his?  When the very same cameras watch both of us, and record us, and transmit us?" but what does that mean when she doesn't remember, or receive such a direct visitation?

[denimbex1986]

'Although Christopher Nolan's Oppenheimer does not explain why the atomic bomb test was named "Trinity," it has a profound meaning that seemingly connects to Jean Tatlock. Based on Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin's book, American Prometheus, Oppenheimer's narrative primarily unfolds in three arcs. While the first arc focuses on how the physicist's early days at university led him to become a leading physicist, the second arc highlights his journey leading the Manhattan Project during World War II. Finally, the third arc in the movie is all about Oppenheimer facing the dire consequences of developing the bomb.

In all of these arcs, Oppenheimer creates mystery and intrigue surrounding many aspects of the physicist's narrative. For instance, it makes audiences wait till the end before revealing what Oppenheimer and Albert Einstein talked about during their brief encounter. However, while it resolves some of these overarching mysteries and questions, it leaves others unanswered. One of the unanswered mysteries is J. Robert Oppenheimer's reasoning for choosing the name "Trinity" for the atomic bomb test.

The Atomic Bomb's Trinity Test Name References A John Donne Poem

As portrayed in Christopher Nolan's Oppenheimer, J. Robert Oppenheimer was deeply influenced by the ideas in the Hindu scripture Bhagavad Gita. What the movie does not show, however, is that the American theoretical physicist's love for literature also extended to John Donne's metaphorical poems. While the exact origins of the codename "Trinity" are shrouded in mystery, it is believed to be a reference to one of John Donne's poems that left a profound impact on Oppenheimer.

Brigadier General Leslie R. Groves, Jr. (played by Matt Damon in Oppenheimer), the director of the Manhattan Project, wrote a letter to Oppenheimer in 1962, curiously investigating the origins of Trinity Test's name. He asked whether he chose the name simply because it would attract little attention or had other deeper reasoning in mind. Oppenheimer affirmed that suggested the name, but for a completely different reason. The theoretical physicist wrote that it was unclear to him why he went for the name, but he could recall the thoughts in his mind when he came up with it (via Los Alamos National Library).

To elaborate further, Oppenheimer cited a quote from John Donne's poem Hymn to God, My God, in My Sickness: "As West and East / In all flatt Maps – and I am one – are one, / So death doth touch the Resurrection." He then confirmed that while the quote still "does not make a Trinity," another Donne poem, Holy Sonnet XIV, alludes to the origins of the codename with its opening verse: "Batter my heart, three person'd God." The "Three person'd god" in the poem refers to the Holy Trinity, a religious Christian concept that posits the belief that God exists in three divine persons: The Father, The Son (Jesus Christ), and The Holy Spirit.

How Trinity Connects To Oppenheimer & Jean Tatlock's Relationship

Jean Tatlock introduced Oppenheimer to many literary works, including the poems of John Donne. Their romantic relationship and shared interest in literature are believed to have played a crucial role in shaping the physicist's intellectual endeavors and overall worldview. Owing to this, many speculate that the name Trinity was not only an allusion to John Donne's work but also a tribute to Jean Tatlock, one of the many details from the physicist's real life that Oppenheimer does not portray.'

[burningvelvet]

“Divorce me, untie or break that knot again, / Take me to you, imprison me, for I, / Except you enthrall me, never shall be free, / Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.”

Excerpt from Holy Sonnets: Holy Sonnet XIV aka Batter my heart, three-person'd God (1633) by John Donne / Sculptures by Stephan Sinding at the Ny Carlsberg Glyptotek in Copenhagen; Tapmak [Adoration] (1903) and Slaven [The Slave] (1878)

[eternalgirlscout]

love that we're all having a great time remembering batter my heart three-person'd god this evening

[dr-futbol-blog]

Trinity, Pt. 1

So, Trinity (S02E06). The title of the episode refers to the triune godhead of the Christian religion, being the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, but that seems to have little bearing on the plot. Much more relevant is the fact that Trinity was the code name of the first nuclear explosion created by man which was a major step along the path our species has taken toward self-destruction, and in fact the Manhattan Project is mentioned in the episode multiple times.

The name of the test is likely a clever way of referring to TNT (TriNiTy), the yield of nuclear explosions enumerated in kilotons of TNT (Trinitrotoluene), albeit J. Robert Oppenheimer later waxed poetic about having named it after John Donne's Batter my heart, three-person'd God.* Given that the nuclear test and the fallout that follows is an obvious metaphor for what happens in the plot of the episode, the poem may hold some insight as to where Sheppard and McKay are left after the resolution of the episode. It is a definite turning point in their relationship, and while it takes a long time to mend what is broken here, this also allows them to reach a deeper understanding of who they are in relation to each other. What happens is heart-breaking but very necessary down the line.

But at the outset of the episode, everything seems fine. Everything is normal. The team is in the jumper out on another mission, and again we find McKay and Ronon getting to know each other, McKay trying to make nice with the new guy. And as they did in the previous episode, food seems to be their common denominator:

McKay: I'm just saying as a team veteran to the new guy, heavy lunch before mission departure: bad idea. I mean, even with the inertial dampeners, this whole flying thing is best done on an empty stomach. Dex: Yeah, well, I've got a pretty strong stomach. McKay: Hey, I can eat frozen dinners without thawing them. It's not as if it even affects me.

Now, McKay may come across as a bit of a know-it-all here, as though he is trying to assert dominance and secure his own spot on the team by offering to show the new guy the ropes. But his tendency to use his knowledge and experience to lord over others stems from his poor self-esteem. Because he thinks that his ability to do things for others is the only thing that people appreciate about him, why they want to keep him around, in sharing his knowledge he is trying to offer people the only thing about him that might be worth something. It is easily misunderstood as having an ego, thinking that he is better than everyone around him, when it is trying to mask the fact that he thinks the exact opposite of this is true. He is worthless, and it is only if he can do something useful for someone, like giving Ronon hard-earned advice about away-missions, that he may gain a modicum of acceptance.

Food is frequently a metaphor, symbolic of love and sex. McKay boasts of his ability to eat frozen dinners without thawing them out but this is actually pretty concerning. This is precisely the kind of thing he occasionally mentions offhand that (unintentionally) reveals some rather dark aspects of his past that he seems to think are perfectly normal. The fact that one would even have needed to try this out speaks of worrisome times in his past when he has either been working so hard so as not to even have time to microwave food or that he has been so poor so as not to be able to afford electricity, either as a student or some part of his childhood. The way he says it, he has eaten more than one frozen dinner without heating it up in his life. It seems as though there has been some food insecurity in his past and given that he is a hypoglycemic that needs to eat regularly, there must have been some tough times in his past. And it makes it understandable that he tries to make sure that he receives regular sustenance now that he is in a place in his life where it is possible. His need to feed himself is shown in a comedic light multiple times when the root of the issue may be nothing of the kind.

But at the same time, that is just what a frozen dinner eaten cold is: sustenance. It sustains but gives no pleasure, to flip what the wraith told the Magistrate in the previous episode. It is enough to live by but it is not much of a life. A frozen dinner is a quick and emotionless handjob here, maybe getting some head there, and one may think that their needs are being met but it is a far cry from having sex with someone you love, from making love. That is a multiple course dinner at a nice restaurant. That is a sandwich lovingly made by someone that cares about you. They are very different, and it is sad that McKay has had to resort to this. It is sad that it appears so familiar to him as to seem normal.

We see Sheppard listening in on this discussion going on behind him, and he seems rather upset. It is unlikely that he is upset about McKay and Ronon chatting, as that is probably something he likes to hear and may even have encouraged. He wants McKay to get to know Ronon and he wants Ronon to get to know McKay. And while it is true that eating frozen dinners without thawing them out must be very alien to his own history, there should be nothing upsetting about the concept as such. His upset is more likely directed at the implications of what McKay was saying. It is possible, even likely, that he knows enough about McKay's past to understand just what he is referring to, and it may even be that he is able to put two and two together better than McKay himself can. He may be able to see aspects of McKay's past clearer than he can see them himself just because he is too close to the events of his own life and hence is unable to look at them as a neutral observer. And while Sheppard is far from a neutral observer, it does upset Sheppard that McKay's past is so clearly one of the things that he knows he can't protect him from. And so he sounds gruff as he finally engages him:

Sheppard: McKay. Are you reading anything? McKay: Nothing. Life signs from the planet are negative.

In spite of the appearance of everything being normal, it seems as though again something has changed since the previous episode. Sheppard called him Rodney almost throughout the entire episode, only switching to McKay by the end. And now, he again seems to feel the need to put some distance between them by calling him by his surname. Not only that, but Sheppard seems to interrupt McKay in the middle of his discussion with Ronon as though he is either impatient or annoyed by what he is listening to. But it is difficult to determine whether his apparent attitude is caused by the present situation or whether there is some underlying reason for him to interrupt McKay in the middle of his rather relaxed chat with Ronon. Of course it is possible that he just wants to draw the man's attention back to the mission at hand but that is not something Sheppard seems to have ever felt the need to do previously. Much more likely he cannot handle the fact that McKay's attention is on someone other than him. It is also possible that he feels jealous of the easy and relaxed way McKay seems to be talking to Ronon, when everything between the two of them is so complicated.

Of course it is possible that something has taken place between the episodes but it may also have been his almost complete failure of keeping McKay safe, in spite of all of his efforts McKay being saved from wraith bombardment by only a hair's breadth, that makes him feel like he needs that distance. Another reason may be the presence of Caldwell on Atlantis during this time which would probably also have made him feel like he needed to keep a distance to McKay. If he seemed to feel more free among his own people during the previous episode, having a superior officer on base was certainly enough to warrant feeling more cautious, would make him feel more unfree, and referring to McKay by his surname across the board while the Daedalus was on Atlantis was a safe bet. But it isn't just Sheppard, either. The way McKay responds to him is very professional and to the point, cool to the point of almost being cold. He is merely giving Sheppard the information he requested and nothing more, using military parlance to do it. If it is Caldwell's presence that has made Sheppard withdraw anew, McKay certainly seems to feel some kind of way about that.

The team appears to be exploring a planet that they have found in the Ancient database on Atlantis and upon approach through the space gate, they come across debris in the upper atmosphere of the planet. We get some exposition to set the mood:

Teyla: Then it is a shame. From what we read in the Atlantis database, the Dorandans were a wonderful race of people. McKay: Well, the database is over ten thousand years old. You can bet things have changed around here. Sheppard: OK. That's not something you see every day.

Like he did in the previous episode, we see McKay leaning over Sheppard's shoulder trying to see out of the window. But their disposition toward one another is very different. Where on Olesia it seemed like their attention was at least as much on the other man as it was on the space craft they were watching, it now seems as though both of their attention is squarely on the space debris before them. Now, for Sheppard it is reasonable to keep his focus on flying through the debris (although we frequently do see him do unreasonable things when it comes to McKay) but again it is perhaps even more noticeable that McKay seems to give Sheppard very little attention, to give him the proverbial cold shoulder, really turning his attention on Sheppard for the first time only as he starts talking about holes.

Teyla: There was a great battle here. That is a hive ship. Dex: That was a hive ship. Sheppard: Something put a lot of holes in it alright. We should check it out. McKay: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What if whatever put the holes in it wants to put holes in us? Sheppard: Well, you just said, a lot's changed in ten thousand years.

The fact that something has changed is lampshaded here. Something between them has changed. Here, Sheppard does not respond to McKay's amusing way of phrasing his concern for their safety, and given that McKay being McKay and McKay's safety are usually some of the main attractions for Sheppard's attention, this also is somewhat curious. There is no reason to think that both have suddenly vanished without a trace, so this can be explained by Sheppard purposefully distancing himself from his emotions and his instinctual behaviour or as the result of him feeling supremely tense for some reason. If in the beginning of the previous episode he seemed relaxed and at ease, not unlike a man that had recently had sex, here he seems almost the opposite of that. They are both pent up and irritable, even though they are trying to remain neutral.

McKay: That would explain the lack of life signs. Dex: This is what usually happens when you fight back. Sheppard: These folks took out a fleet of wraith ships. I'd say they did a pretty good job of fighting back.

There is a lampshade here also: there is a distinct lack of life signs that have an explanation. We see barely a hint of their connection here but there is a reason for it. This episode is using negative space to tell us things about Sheppard and McKay. If there is any meta commentary here, it may be that there had been some resistance to pursuing this storyline between them behind the scenes which is further commented upon toward the end of the season, and as discussed previously, on episodic television there is often a chance for course correction toward the mid-point of the season where we do see another change in how the narrative is approached. Meta meta aside, this episode is also that "first fight" about which they learn to laugh much, much later that is referenced in Harmony (S04E14). And such fights can lead to near total devastation because there is so much emotion involved.

It seems as though the mystery that is unfolding around them is enough for both of them to start getting excited about the mission, and they are able to put what ever it is that seems to be chafing between them temporarily on pause. They are professionals, after all. And in his excitement, McKay again leans over Sheppard's shoulder, getting very close to him as he points at where they should go.

McKay: Hold on. I'm picking up faint energy readings coming from... there. That would explain how they were able to put up such a good fight. Sheppard: How? McKay: Because... they were Ancients.

And as McKay leans over Sheppard, the tone in which he speaks, almost in a whisper in reverence of the scene before them, does tell us that there is still definite sexual tension between them. What McKay says and how he says it are so divorced that he might have said anything at all to Sheppard in this tone and had an effect on him. And it is unlikely it was McKay's intention to be seductive here, his excitement over having discovered an apparent Ancient outpost merely made him forget that he isn't supposed to be like this around Sheppard, that they are not this anymore. As he whispers, he even turns toward Sheppard, speaking the words into his ear. And hearing McKay's tone, Sheppard also does finally turn to look behind him at McKay having starved himself from looking at the thing he most wants to look at up until this point, although even here he is definitely trying not to react to McKay at all. But McKay is not making it easy. There appears to be a scent of something cooking that is drawing him in, and it is not from a frozen dinner served unthawed.

Continued in Pt. 2

-*

Batter my heart, three-person'd God

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend; That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new. I, like an usurp'd town to another due, Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end; Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend, But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue. Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain, But am betroth'd unto your enemy; Divorce me, untie or break that knot again, Take me to you, imprison me, for I, Except you enthrall me, never shall be free, Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

[hypokeimena]

batter my heart three person'd god but it's NOT about jesus it's actually about every heart medication that was supposed to make my heart beat slower and which made it faster instead

[irrealisms]

i was born for this || a web weave about belonging to God

wikipedia // psalm 63:1 // wikipedia // matthew 25:23 // clerical collars: symbolism and meaning // isaiah 44:5 // the line i called the horizon by consumptive_sphinx // 1 corinthians 6:19-20 // les misérables // romans 14:7-8 // clear night by charles wright // psalm 119:20 // batter my heart, three person'd God by john donne // isaiah 43:1

[IDs under cut]

Image 1: Serviam is Latin for "I will serve."

Image 2: 1 You, God, are my God,     earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you,     my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land     where there is no water.

Image 3: "Servant of God" is a title used in the Catholic Church to indicate that an individual is on the first step toward possible canonization as a saint. Wikipedia

Image 4: 23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant!

Image 5: The collar remains a distinctive sign of the priest’s availability and the permanent nature of Holy Orders. The priest “is not his own” and is a visible sign of Jesus Christ,

Image 6: Some will say, ‘I belong to the Lord’;     others will call themselves by the name of Jacob; still others will write on their hand, ‘The Lord’s,’     and will take the name Israel.

Image 7: "I am for God, you know I am for God,"

Image 8: You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price.

Image 9: My soul belongs to God, I know I made that bargain long ago

Image 10: 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Image 11: I want to be bruised by God. I want to be strung up in a strong light and singled out. I want to be stretched, like music wrung from a dropped seed.    I want to be entered and picked clean.

Image 12: 20 My soul is consumed with longing     for your laws at all times.

Image 13: Take me to you, imprison me, for I, Except you enthrall me, never shall be free, Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Image 14: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;     I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

[bluecatwriter]

For that Director's Cut thing?? uhh uhh O'erthrow Me, please???

Ahaha, you want to see me suffer (ramble about embracing the eroticism of the divine), don't you??? *trying to look offended but actually just grinning like a goofball*

The fic in question: "Renfield asks Jonathan to read him some poetry."

(For anyone unaware, this is a smutfic, so keep that in mind before clicking the "Keep reading…" Also contains mention of sexual assault, Christianity, and spoilers.)

-The idea for this one came when I was rereading some published fics (as I often do), and was thinking about how I'd like to do another Jonathan/Renfield fic. I am obsessed with this ship for many reasons, especially what Jonathan and Renfield bring out in each other, and so I always have some ideas brewing in my head. The thought of Renfield asking Jonathan to read him some erotic poetry seemed like a fun idea to run with, and so the brainstorm began in earnest.

-Despite my premise, I have read very very little erotic poetry, so either I could go on a poetry-reading binge, or I could grab the first one that came to mind: "Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God" by John Donne, which I've always been a little feral about (despite not really reading anything else Donne wrote. Fake fan, I know). It's a poem addressed to God, but it's incredibly erotic, and fit well with the themes of possession and loyalty that had showed up in my earlier Jonathan/Renfield fics. (I think I'm really into the erotic as a path to the divine as a result of 1) being raised in a branch of Christianity that just. does NOT allow eroticism in any form and, paradoxically, 2) coming of age right when the "Jesus is my boyfriend" rhetoric was really strong in evangelical circles. Learning to find God in all aspects of being human, including the erotic, has been a big deal for me the past couple decades.) I looked up some of Donne's other poems, too, to include, and it worked out really well.

-Usually my smutfics have some sort of build-up beforehand to explain how the characters end up in bed together, but in this fic (and in the previous one in the series, "Enough"), I just dive straight into the sex because this is an established relationship and I don't need to justify why they're having sex right now. (Unfortunately in this fic it's not abundantly clear that this whole thing is taking place with Mina's consent and blessing— but that's just a rule of thumb whenever I write the Harkers.)

-This was the first Jonathan/Renfield smutfic I wrote from Jonathan's perspective, but I knew I wanted to because the other ones had been in Renfield's head, and I wanted to show what Jonathan was thinking and feeling here. It also addresses the elephant in the room: in this version of events, Jonathan has been sexually assaulted by Dracula repeatedly in the past, and so having sex with a different intense old man is going to dredge up some memories. I got the chance to delve into that in this fic, showing how this is a healing experience for him.

-Then we get the Sexy Poetry Reading! Again, I bring up an intentional parallel to abuse that Jonathan suffered in the past, showing how even something simple like someone asking him to read can dredge up feelings.

-Figuring out the logistical details of the physical description vs. the spoken lines took quite a bit of shuffling; I was arranging and rearranging stuff a bunch up until the very last draft. But I'm happy with how the sequence turned out in the end.

-Plus the lines in the poem fit really well with a narrative that has emerged from shipping these two. ""Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain/But am betroth'd unto your enemy/Divorce me, untie or break that knot again/Take me to you, imprison me…" Again, brings up a lot of the themes that I'd been exploring earlier in the Jonathan/Renfield series, and fit together even better than I expected.

Thanks so much for the ask! :D

(Ask game here)