#‘I get really anxious sometimes’
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Oh lord, here he comes, the local caffeine addict.
#you know his doctors are SICK of him#‘I get these really bad headaches’#‘cut down the caffeine’#‘no’#‘I get really anxious sometimes’#‘we recommend lowering caff-‘#‘no.’#living off a diet of caffeine pills black coffee in the morning pumpkin spice latte in the afternoon diet cokes on the weekends#and his candy stash downstairs#and they’re about to put his ass in the Java wagon#Alexander Rossi#indycar
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Losing my mind at seeing Twitter Discourse where a girl talks about being a waitress and how sometimes people don't acknowledge her or reply to her at all when she speaks to them and how it feels dehumanising and all the people in the replies are like UM. SOME OF US HAVE /SOCIAL ANXIETY/ You're literally an evil person for wishing people would treat you with bare minimum decency :/ like idk how to tell you this but if a waitress asks how your evening is while she's taking you to your seat in a restaurant and you're gonna pretend saying "Fine, thank you" is a horrific arduous task like. Maybe you're just a massive cunt? Maybe you're just an insufferable fuckwit?
#i loveeeeee when people use social anxiety as an excuse to be rude like lmao#i get anxious sometimes and i can be awkward as fuck#but a two word 'Good. Thanks.' really is not that fucking difficult good god#especially since she stated theres been times when multiple customers will totally ignore any greeting and bark orders at her like.#youre just rude bro thats all that is
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Happy Year of the Dragon!
#non mdzs#lunar new year#digital art#Still struggling with figuring out digital art stuff but I’m getting there#The year of the rabbit really was a special and lucky one for me. Maybe because sometimes it is also the year of the cat.#The energy of the rabbit might not be with me but I hope to have the wisdom of the dragon leading my days#This week is going to be filled with a lot of sappiness so I won't go into yet.#But thank you to everyone for making me feel less anxious and afraid with all the kindness you have shown me.#I have become somewhat domesticated now. I will sniff your hand if there is a treat in it. Maybe blink slowly at you from a distance.#HAVE A WONDERFUL LUNAR NEW YEAR EVERONE! We are all gonna do great B*)
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[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*
–
Pac: Actually– that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
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The man truly can’t take a genuine compliment 🙄
#my art stuff#digital art#baldur's gate 3#bg3#astarion#astarion ancunin#this is part of a series I like to call “I’m never settling on a singular detailed artstyle”#I have no consistency in drawing realistic people/characters other than my shapy cartoon style#but I truly don’t get enough opportunity to properly shade anything with art in that style-!!! it always looks weird to me-!!!!!#I think some rude lil worm in my brain is wriggling around telling me it’s a futile attempt at still doing realism#cus I’m one of those “gifted” artists that grew up promising his parents he’ll end up among the big names or whatever#constantly training to become better at art but with realism oil paintings as the goal#you know how it is 😔#I wanna shade my lil funky designs but they never feel good enough to really put energy into or whatever so I compromise with stuff -#- like this where I try to draw characters more accurately while still stylizing them and shading them however I feel like it#which is great and all but I should really learn to give my more relaxed and less perfectionist art a chance#I deserve to enjoy the process and the result without working myself dead#it’s so much easier and rewarding to copy cartoon styles - stylizing realism makes me too anxious of doing it “wrong”#at least cartoon styles give me a goal to reach or a reference to strive towards#man I really should just cut myself some slack altogether#either way - this man is a flustered mess and he’s embarrassed about being called adorable in public or something#being teased in an affectionate way about his sweeter side and stuff#don’t ask why he’s shirtless - anatomy is just a lot more fun for me to draw sometimes#tasteful nudity and all that is extremely gorgeous to me#i need to practice anatomy more cus I just kinda did some shit and went with it this time with a BIT of consideration for muscle structure
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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just a quick ask to tell u it makes me super happy seeing the detail u go into when pointing out stuff u like about other people's art of ur ocs :3 it's so rare to see but it's so so motivating!! <3
Thank you! I don't take any interest for my art for granted, and if someone goes through the trouble of drawing my characters for me, I feel like trying to write a proper response is the least I can do. For a visually oriented person, receiving gift/fan art is a huge deal, it means someone considered my goobers worth their time and effort, they've probably been thinking about them more than a little and found them inspiring in a way or another, and I find that terribly flattering. It's extremely fun and interesting to see other people's takes on them. And I've drawn stuff for people as well, I know how nice and rewarding it feels to receive a response that is longer than a word or two. Positive comments like that can linger in people's minds for a long time, at least for me they do.
#this comes with a big serious disadvantage though#it often takes me a long time to write that response#my social batteries are extremely small and a lot of the time by the time I go online I feel too worn out to engage with people properly#I'm autistic anxious and severely depressed my spoons are in short supply at the best of times#I've always had really hard time putting my thoughts into words in a way that I find satisfactory#so I keep putting off reblogging gift art#because most of the time my brain is too smushed to formulate that meaningful comment I want to give#maybe that sounds dumb and fake#but this is something I've struggled with for years and I feel extremely guilty for keeping people waiting like that#often weeks sometimes months even#and potentially making them feel underappreciated and unnoticed#I'm also genuinely very scatterbrained and unorganized and I miss and forget things I'm supposed to do all the time#not to mention that I tend to have trouble keeping track of my mentions and dms and asks I'm only one person#so if you've ever drawn something for me and I didn't/haven't responded yet#please know it's not personal it's entirely my fault I'm kind of a mess#and chances are I'm still very much attempting to get back to you#feel free to remind me if you feel like I might have not noticed your post I really don't mind at all it often helps me a lot#and please if you can don't delete the post even if it seems like I didn't see it#because again sometimes it takes me a long time to respond#thank you to everyone who has stayed endlessly patient with me though I appreciate it#sorry this spiraled into a list of apologies and excuses this is actually something that bothers me a lot#because it's largely a mental health thing but easily comes off as ungratefulness#I'm trying to work on that#answered#anonymous
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Man, I still remember participating in one of the many jjba zines that I took part in and how my piece was placed as the first page (for the second time) and how one of my mutuals/artists that I’ve always admired, hit me with the “oh… you’re on the front page again… 😅…” like man, that kind of killed me lmfao. I never got over it like man, what was that about.
#it’s not like i put the books together myself or anything all my ass did was submit my work#like this was from a really popular and well known artist as well like#their art has always been so gorgeous to me too I was like ‘I’m literally a nobody is this person really being shady or…’#rambling#I guess it’s nice being in a zine with ppl I don’t know or care to get to know at least now 😭… just submitting my art and running#referring to the jjk zine 😭 I need t start working on it uhh#zines make me feel so anxious man#it really did make me feel bad and almost guilty? I was like this is kind of awkward…#another zine I was in which was run by a mutual… well… I never even got my zine in the mail#and I even sent them $20 for some merch that they were making since I wanted to support and never got that either…#they deleted their blog but I see that they remade and draw a lot of DM and have a lot of popular posts here so it’s kind of awkward seeing#their art shared on the dash sometimes skeks#we’re still mutuals on Twitter but I don’t rly want to ask about my zine again or the $20 bucks#it’s okay like I owe other ppl stuff too I’m a late bird man but still loskekk#they were the mod for the zine too#I might hit them up again I guess I still love their art and they were always fun to talk to#there was another zine that I participated in where we had to purchase our own copy bro#i remember being so annoyed by that but went ahead and bought it anyway#I was invited to this zine so it made me even more annoyed#I#Guess it didn’t make its money back#or something like that but I remember being broke at the time and was pissed that I had to pay for my own book#I didn’t buy any of the merch because why when it was supposed to be free#if you’re participating in a zine the book and merch should be free
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Day 2 of Starting Adderall Again:
->I decided to shower, and then went to the bathroom to shower.
-->I remembered my shower was dirty because maintenance recently worked on my toilet and somehow they got chunks of caulk in the shower, and also I hadn't cleaned it since I moved in about 7 months ago
--->Remembered I also wanted to mop since they'd come into my Clean Space with their Outdoor Shoes
---->Went and got the mop but the mop pad was dirty
---->Threw away the dirty mop pad and got a clean one on
--->Went and mopped the bathroom, which room about 60 seconds
-->Turned my focus towards the shower again and started looking for the cleaner
--->Spent probably 5 minutes looking under all the sinks before *remembering* that I'd used it about a week ago and maybe had left it on the counter
---Found it the counter
-->Sprayed the shower with cleaner
--->Decided to wash the sink while the cleaner was working on the shower
--->Finished the sink in about 5 minutes and then washed the shower for 3-5 minutes
-->Turned on the shower to let it rinse all the cleaner off
->Showered in about 10 minutes, much faster than normal because I didn't spend *any* time trying to remember what I was doing, and yet still did all the steps??? Effortlessly????
I managed to mop the bathroom, clean my sink, clean my shower, ***and*** take a shower, in like??????? 30 minutes?????
And it was all virtually effortless. I had to briefly talk myself into doing it, and then ponder "am I getting needlessly distracted? *Should* I mop too, or just clean the shower?" but it didn't really stress me out to wonder about it. I just...had thoughts in my brain...and they didn't really do anything useful...so I just decided to go ahead and mop, since my brain hadnt come up with any good reason *not* to.
I am in a state of peaceful awe and contentment.
#sorenhoots#adderall#ALSO I SOCIALIZED TODAY WITHOUT HAVING TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO IT THROUGH NEARLY UNBEARABLE SOCIAL ANXIETY.#i socialized on purpose and didnt feel panicky and my heart didnt race and i wasnt constantly stammering or beating myself up for stammerin#and i managed to have timely reactions rather than being so caught up in anxiety and stress to have a response without needing like 5 full#seconds to analyze my behavior and deem it acceptable#AND wow i did so much work at my job!! im MOST proud of how i made sure i went slow and took ample breaks for my hurt hip!#but even while managing my pain i also tidied my ENTIRE department#making sure EVERY shelf looked nice. and then stocked a bunch of stuff. and then! i needed to bring some stuff out of the back#which has been a REALLY stressful task for me lately because its hard to carry a box of wine while using a cane; but ive been to *shy* to#use one of the carts. or it seems like “well itll take 3 times as long if i go get a cart and then use it to move stuff and then put it up.#i didn't worry about taking more time to make sure i didnt hurt myself! i didnt get stuck trying to decide what to do! i just went and got#a cart and then made a loop around my department to drop it all off!!! I DIDNT EVEN GET SUPER ANXIOUS TRYING TO DECIDE IF I SHOULD START#AT THE BACK AND WORK FORWARD- OR THE OTHER WAY. i could just DO things and EXIST and oh my GOD.#im kinda terrified of the possibility of it losing effectiveness after a couple weeks. which has happened in the past. but also--ill have#health insurance soon! GOOD HEALTH INSURANCE because of the Healthcare Marketplace thing!#it was SO EASY to sign up for in this state????? they even had someone i could email who helped me FOR FREE???#you know how sometimes government forms are like “is a professional helping you fill this out?” THATS WHAT THATS FOR. i never even realized#what that question was for??? i was like “is this for rich people who can pay someone else to do it?” BUT APPARENTLY SOMETIMES THE HELP IS#FREE BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT *CAN* ACTUALLY HELP ITS CITIZENS AFFORD HEALTHCARE?????#so even if the adderall stops being as effective...maybe i can try something else! and i can certainly financially afford to go to the dr#and discuss my health and try different meds if needed!!#its wild cos this state is still a very red state but like...its *significantly* less red than the last one. and its been so much easier.
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Real talk those tik toks that are like “use this sound or you’ll have bad luck” or “use this sound to make sure your week goes great” fucking suck ass because it triggers my anxiety to the point that I am paranoid that something horrible is going to happen if I don’t use a fucking tik tok sound
#like realistically and logically#I know it means#nothing#and it’s not real#but my anxiety doesn’t allow me to see that sometimes#so I get really anxious when I see those#and I think they should be stopped#vent I guess but like it really doesn’t mean anything#just had to put my thoughts about there about it#tik tok
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I have so much to improve on
#im really not happy with myself#i know ive made progress on a lot of things#but i have so much to work on#im super arrogant and stubborn and entitled at times#need to humble myself down#so anxious and sometimes i still react so instinctively rather than thinking things clearlh#i can be so self centred#im grr#im getting angry i need to stop#this only putting me in a horrible headspace and i know although i do believe all this im being extra negative right now and judging myself#therapy tomorrow#muchh needed#its been like 2.5 months since my last session
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so
#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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I feel like this rn <3
#seriously tho everyone is so sweet and nice and isk i get so anxious sometimes like oh god i probably came off as weirdo that time#or i worry people find me secretly off putting and just don't wanna say anything#but then i realize thats a discredit to all of you because you are so genuinely kind to me#and everyone is so supportive idk i just really do treasure the friendships i have here#and i appreciate every single nice word anyone has ever said to me#001.
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seekers of soul fanfic i will read you eventually. once i get over my irrational anxiety that if i read it then i will be under suspicion for plagiarism for whatever reason
#''emery that makes literally no sense you dont even know whats in the fic also its a pmd fic who cares'' thats why its irrational#as much as i love obt sometimes i get anxious bc there are parallels between it and my pmd world#where im like. oh god i shouldnt do this stuff actually bc this other better pmd fic did it and ppl are gonna accuse me of copying#which again ik is really irrational but still. anxiety is a bitch#echoed voice
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Anyone else out here haunted by the unknowns of recovery?
#got a doctor's appointment tomorrow#bout going back on some kind of antidepressant/anti anxiety meds#bc i NEED to. like. the anxiety in particular is really bad and it's stopping me doing Most things#but my brain may be a shitty place to live rn but i kind of know how it works#and i have things i can semi rely on to cheer me up and things i know i can still do#what if the funky new chemical cocktail idk. makes me lose interest in writing?#thay would suck!! ! i just rediscovered it!!!#but i also can't put getting better on hold just bc I've found a bit of a creative groove that i wanna hang on to yknow?#idk. obviously i hope that being on meds that work will make me MORE creative not less#bc maybe I'll be less anxious about everything being perfect and less anxious sbout putting it out there#but it's just that fear i guess of to tackle the unhelpful parts of your brain sometimes the parts you like get caught in the crossfire#i hope I'll become MORE myself not less#but I've been unmedicated for a while now#and my brain isn't a fun place to be but i understand it#idk what's gonna happen in the next few weeks#i hope it's good#mr. bees speaks
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