#{zombie birb will keep after him}

[beautifulterriblequeen]

The Thief and the Tinker, Part 4: Circles and Cycles

part 3

Part 4

Viren: *smirks and plinks Runaan's coin to Ethari*

Ethari, furious: You throw another Moonshadow at me and I'm gonna lose it.

Circles and Cycles

Angst rating: 8/10

Back to Ethari, because we're not done with him yet. Ethari is soft, but he isn't weak. He won't be a willing pawn for Viren. He loves Runaan to the point of invention, and his devotion is more constant than the moon itself. He'll agree to do what Viren says, and he'll be Very Sad. But his spirit is in no way broken. Viren bribing him with the coins containing his family will only have the opposite effect. It'll give Ethari something to fight for.

We could get Focused Chaos Ethari. We could get Angery Trickster Ethari. We could get Rules, What Rules? Ethari. Let him try to steal the coins, try to break them, try to kill Viren, and be stymied at every turn, until he settles and seems cowed. And then all he does is craft his way out of the problem.

What if we are gifted with Iron Man Elf Ethari, who pretends to build a fake Key for Viren, but meanwhile he's really building a coinbuster with whatever he can get his hands on - primal stones, magically imbued gemstones, stolen artifacts, his own arcanum, his own reputation as the Master Craftsman of the Silvergrove. He'll use almost - almost - anything, to stop Viren and free his family.

Ethari may have to choose between those two things, though. And he's a hero, deep down, just like his family, just like his daughter. If he has to choose, he'll choose to stop Viren and save Xadia. He'll pay the same price as his family has if he must.

He'd let Viren think he was motivated purely by wanting his family back, but Ethari is far too steeped in the illusion and sacrifice for that to be all there is to his motives. It's a so-close-and-yet-so-far thing, how he and Viren almost embody the same ideals. Almost. Ethari would take one look at Viren, who just burnt down his whole Forest, he'd see the biggest threat in Xadia, and he'd say anything to get a chance to stop this juggernaut of destruction from getting his hands on whatever that ultimate power really is, locked behind that missing key. If he has to abandon his people and bawl his eyes out to convince Viren he's in, then he will.

And Viren wouldn't make it easy for him. He knows clever when he sees it. He went through all this trouble to persuade Ethari to work with him. He would need to keep Ethari as off-balance as possible to ensure that he keeps working as he should.

Angsty jewelry, anyone?

Viren giving Ethari his husband in pendant form to remind him what he's working for, when Viren and Ethari both know full well that only dark magic can open the hellcoins. Ethari wearing another pendant of his love, except it's not a metaphor this time. It's literally his love, in a coin around his neck.

Viren would love making Ethari stay close to him of his own free will if he ever hoped to free Runaan. Making people bind themselves to you is a big power flex. Remember that TDP stream future-season teaser note about Bait being in a creepy restraint in a future season?

This card is written on in all-caps, so that really could be "Bait" or "bait," or--knowing this show--both. Viren's been using Runaan as bait for Ethari all along. Putting his coin in a dark magic pendant casing for Ethari to wear would be a great parallel for that. Oh god. Oh man.

Maybe he'll stab the coin's scary casing right through that circle on Ethari's chest, right over his heart, make that Iron Man reference really obvious. Ethari also losing his shirt at some point, for angsty Viren-related reasons? It's more likely than you think. I mean... Ethari is literally involved in both forms of forging at this point. Shirt's gotta come off for uhhhh work reasons. And because he's hot. Because of all the forging. Mmhmm. I mean how else are we finally going to discover what his markings look like this is research I swear

I mentioned that I liked god-tier villains, right? Yeah, this is amazing. I haven't wanted to die and ascend over an idea for quite a while, but Ethari vs Viren in a drawn-out battle of wills would kill me in the best way. Especially since, while it looks like they're essentially fighting for who gets Runaan, they're truly fighting a much larger battle with much higher stakes. They're fighting for the future itself. It's an epic struggle between the Narrative of Strength and the Narrative of Love. And we've seen what happens, over and over, when the Narrative of Strength gets to call the shots.

On a meta note: If Ruthari's story arc isn't a love letter from one trauma survivor to another, and on a broader scope to all survivors who see it, I don't know what is. Sometimes life just chews us up and spits us out and we can't stop it and it breaks us. But sometimes we can reach out and grasp the chance to help each other, even after that, even when it hurts a lot, because we know what it means to be loved, and to love, and to want a safer future for each other and for people we'll never meet. The future is worth standing together for, helping each other back up for, fighting side by side for, even if you can't see how it'll end, or even how to begin. We are stronger together, and sometimes we need to fight for our "together" before we can fight for anything else. And that's worth it, every time.

This is glorious, it's beautiful, it's tragic, it's amazing, it makes me want to dance, it makes me want to scream into the void, it makes me want to slap someone with a semi truck. No, someone specific, don't worry, and he super deserves it.

Because Ethari is going to win. He was always going to win. He's soft, and he's clever, and he hasn't forgotten what love means. It's what he's fighting for. Not power, not control. Love. He doesn't want to dictate Runaan's future or anyone else's. He just wants his husband--and everyone else--to have one at all.

So he's going to win.

What thwarting Viren looks like, I couldn't possibly guess. TDP is no stranger to angst, so there will probably be a high cost involved in outwitting the dark mage. Maybe not everyone can be rescued from the coins. Maybe Ethari will lose his life, or his soul, or his vision, or something else really angsty. Viren could even kill him and resurrect him as a smoky craftsman, or a zombie craftsman, or something equally biddable but horrible. The only thing I'm sure of is that Ethari would never willingly make a working Key of Aaravos Ethari as long as there's a chance Viren could possess it. But I do believe that if he gets the right opportunity while he's busy saving the world from Viren's dark intentions, he'll break his husband's hellcoin open somehow and set him free, even if he has to smile at the devil to do it.

Ethari understands the difference between "you can" and "therefore you should." He might sacrifice his own world to save his husband, but he'd never sacrifice someone else's world. That's one of the Moonshadow cultural limits I've noticed: they accept boundaries when it comes to other people's autonomous rights, especially regarding life and death.

These limits could get pushed. Ethari will be under great duress and emotional strain if he goes through this kind of interaction with Viren. And maybe he will choose some dark things. Everyone else has. But I'm placing all my eggs in the basket labeled "Saved By Love." Either I'm right, or I'll get the best angst omelets in the universe. And I do love omelets. A villain invented them, you know. ;)

Another support for Ethari not making the key for Viren: the real Key exists!

Callum has it right now. The plot doesn't need Ethari's key (yet? ever?), but it does need Ethari to learn what he's made of, to stand up for something, or against something, or both at once. And once he learns what he will and won't do and the universe has rewarded his discovery with the return of his beloved husband then Ethari will be ready to take on whatever else the plot has in mind for him.

Depending on the plan, all of these events could happen in S4, as a setup for even bigger things to follow. Viren's wishes can be thwarted here and the show's overall tension will only continue to rise. It would let Ethari flex yes pls his skills so we know who he is, it would show how driven Viren can be for a long-term goal, it would let Claudia saunter further downwards, it would reveal some human/Moonshadow history, and it would resolve the seasons-long tension regarding Runaan's fate, allowing for the cycle of speculation, feels, angst, and Ruthari fanart to begin again. ;) Viren would need to find another way to pursue his long-term goal. And Callum's Key will get a little more clarity on just how important it is to the fate of the world - which will make everything he does, and everyone he talks to, and anyone who knows what he's carrying, intensely important.

Nyx is gonna steal it isn't she, omg chaos birb

To Viren, Ethari was a main course, meant to be devoured and consumed in his lifelong quest for something that will finally satisfy. But to Ethari, Viren was just empty calories to be passed over in favor of ordering his perennial favorite dish, one more time.

Once Ethari escapes Viren's clutches with as much of his family as he can rescue, Viren may turn back to looking for the real Key, especially if someone's seen it recently. Hunting a kid probably seems easier than hunting a full-grown Moonshadow craftsman who just outsmarted him. okay so maybe Nyx stealing it would be a good thing and save Callum's life

Ethari could go on to help repair the Sunforge, or rebuild the Moonhenge, or work on constructing Moonshadow villages in Katolis if he hasn't been ghosted for abandoning everyone after the forest fire. He might build magical devices for any number of reasons, to help all kinds of characters. Hopefully, wherever he goes, he'll have Runaan with him, in some way, for at least a little while. Cycles be like, and I feel like Runaan will not want to remain still for long, for whatever reason. Does he need revenge, atonement, justice, a new body, to find Rayla, to find Ezran? He'll be back in action as soon as he can, I think.

Okay, but, I'm so soft at the thought of a scene where Runaan and Ethari come before King Ezran. The husbands tried to save their people Runaan's way, the old way, and it only continued to endanger them. Following the cycle, as Moonshadows do, was the wrong move. But the son of the last human Runaan killed reached out with mercy and broke a thousand years of suffering and sorrow and hatred. Ezran did what Runaan couldn't: he saved the Moonshadow elves from total destruction. And that, more than anything else in the world, could soften one very broody assassin's heart toward humans again.

What would Runaan do, if his heart truly changed toward humans? What would he say to Ezran? I could see him struggling for a long moment before dropping to one knee to pledge his heart as he once had to do before the Dragon Throne. He doesn't know any other way but to serve. Ezran, reading the whole room and everyone's feelings before he tells Runaan that No, we don't do that here. That he's free, and free means free. No chains, no oaths. Just trust and friendship. He should get to make his own decisions for a change, even though that can be hard and scary sometimes. Runaan being genuinely scared, because that's too much freedom. But he's not alone. He has Ethari, and Ezran, and Rayla, and Callum, and their people, and their allies. And no matter what else happens, the people of Katolis - elven and human - will find a way forward. Together.

part 5

[sireniana]

Ego Monster Au

Inspired by a dream I had last night (and my massive obsession with Beauty and the Beast)

Darkiplier- Octopus tentacles for legs, suckers get stuck on the ground occasionally but can still walk. Half shark face, big old chompers and red eyes. Somewhat insecure but doesn’t like his regular form that much either sooo...

Host- Basically a book accurate Hunchback of Notre Dame but two feet taller (all of them are big monster bois) his hair is actually small black horns.

Robbie- Still a zombie, but in this au he used to be a human before... well I’ll get to that later. ;). He’s as intelligent as the rest of them though, and hates how dumb he comes across as because of his slow speech and clumsiness.

Eric- The self-hatred is strong with this one. He’s a birb. Very corvid like but his feathers are very sharp, making the much needed hugs rather difficult. Big ol’ yellow eyes, and two tufts of feathers that look like elf ears. He’s still precious of course, but unwilling to believe it.

Illinois- Rat man and dislikes it immensely. If he hears one more Ratatouille joke... His fur is dark tan and his eyes have no whites to them. He’s one of the only ones who actually bother to put on a full set of clothes anymore, since their bodies aren’t really made for them. His tail makes the whip sound when he winks.

Yancy- The fluff is real. He’s very wolf like but he’s got a cat tail which is constantly moving. Round eyes, one blue one gold, and long horns which add another foot to his already excessive height. (Rip door frames). Actually very insecure but pssshh, no he only cares because it interferes with his dancing hahahahahaha *sob*.

Wilford- I’m sorry I forgot about Wilford, but he’s another Mcfluffer. He’s got four legs and two arms, so rather centaur like. But his feet are prehensile, so naturally he uses that for evil (aka, stealing desserts) His face is actually fairly human, but his pointed ears and cat nose give it away. He’s too busy and crazy to really realize too much about how his and everyone else’s bodies have changed, but Dark’s destruction of all the mirrors helps with that.

Schneep- Reptilian, naturally. He’s one of the most human sized of them all, but still about 6′9, sooo. He’s covered in green scales, and his teeth are razor sharp, rather like a piranhas. His arms are too long for his body, making the Slenderman jokes from the Markiplier egos never ending. Basically he’s a Walter Strickler but in desperate need of coffee. Schneep took the change pretty well (comparatively, at least. Yancy wouldn’t stop screaming for hours). He shoves his emotions away anyways, and right now he’s just trying to be there for his friends.

So why are they monsters now? (all the JSE egos are too, but I’m very tired so I’m just going to leave them to your imagination for now)

Well it’s another revenge plot of Actor Mark’s of course! Our Mark still has a bit of Actor in him. A bit who was very jealous when he saw all the attention the other egos were getting. So, he did the only logical thing and turned them all into terrifying monsters and locked them up in the old manor where they can’t interact with fans anymore. (After all, they’re only popular because they share his good looks, right?)

But don’t worry, he’s given them a way out! (merciful hero that he is) They just have to find their soulmate! If that lucky soul falls in love with every last one of them? Then they can have their looks back! Otherwise, well....

The actor will keep the spotlight.

Cut to a new member of Marks crew coming with them to an “abandoned” house for a Unus Annus video. One thing leads to another (I’m the most disposable, take me!) And the manor has one more resident.

[skekzok-the-ritual-master]

Out Of Character Questions

ROLEPLAYER GET TO KNOW YOU PROMPT

Tagged by: @hedonistschambers

Tagging: @ask-skeksa-the-mariner, @allpowerfulemperor, @asktheornamentalist, @askurva-thearcher, and anyone else who wants to :)

OOC About Your Character(s)

1.     What do you want to get out of playing this character(s)?

I used to RP on Tumblr a lot in the Megamind fandom, and seeing other Dark Crystal RPers on here made me want to try getting back into RP a little. Since I don’t have any Dark Crystal OCs who lend themselves well to RP, I decided to go with a canon character, and skekZok was a prominent one who hadn’t gotten a blog yet. I’ve always liked looking at characters and thinking about what makes them tick, so this gives me a fun chance to do that for him.  

2.     Describe your character(s) with three words.

Cultured | Sadistic | Hypocritical 

3.     What made you decide to write this muse?

I’d been following the blogs of a few other Skeksis RPers, and the absence of Zok had been remarked on. Since he’s one of my favorites, I decided to make a blog for him and join in the fun.

4.     If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

That’s a tough one, because Zok really doesn’t suffer that much in canon compared to other characters. I might stop ZokZah from trying to burn out part of his soul, but skekZok wouldn’t exist and there wouldn’t be much of a story if I did that. (If we include the JM Lee novels, I’d change it so he doesn’t throw skekSa under the bus.)

5.     If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

“Don’t stab the blonde Gelfling girl. It won’t prevent the prophecy, and she’ll just come back to life anyway.”

6.     If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

I’d love to see his reaction to a Swiss Army knife.

7.     If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

I’m not sure how positive this is, but I’d take away his ability to believe his own lies. It would be interesting to see how he tries to juggle all the conflicting rules and stories he’s come up with over the centuries. 

8.     If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

His talent for speaking in public. I wish I could command an audience like he does.

9.     Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life?

Considering the kind of things that tend to make Zok happy? Maybe. As for what would make him happiest, he believes it would be achieving immortality and remaining one of the highest-ranked of the court and having skekSa as his permanent mate, but that still won’t heal the spiritual emptiness inside him. Much as I enjoy Zok and Zah as separate beings, I do think reunification was the best thing for them. If he and SaSan could have been together after that, that would have been even better.

10. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

I don’t mind angst in small doses, as long as I plot it out with the other player(s) beforehand and we agree how it will turn out in the end. Zok doesn’t lend himself easily to angst, but losing his place in the court hierarchy or having one of his allies turn on him would do it. He’s also come to genuinely believe the mythology he’s invented over the centuries -- anything that seriously challenged that worldview would be hard for him to deal with. 

11. What do you love about your muse?

A lot of things. His charisma, his striking blue eyes, the way his voice is deeper and smoother than most of the other Skeksis, how over-the-top his gold outfit is, how he’s so attached to his headdress that he doesn’t even take it off in the spa, how unrepentantly creepy and sadistic he is -- he’s a very enjoyable character, even if he is a horrible birb.

12. What do you hate about your muse?

He's not an easy character to have interact with everyone. He can pretend to be nice when it suits him, and he’s not totally incapable of caring about people, but he’s still nasty enough that I can tell in advance a lot of interactions wouldn’t go well. 

13. What about your muse amuses you?

The contrast between the austere image he tries to keep up, and how frazzled he gets when something upsets that image (”MY CARRIAGE!”). Also when he gets sarcastic or looks down on the others when they act in a less-than-civilized way. 

14. What about your muse makes you sad?

All the people he’s hurt, and how unwilling he is to see that his way of life isn’t sustainable and won’t truly make him happy in the end.

15. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

“This guy is a creep, but he believes in good manners. Tread lightly, and you should be okay.”

16. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

LOL no. He’s an awful person who is best left in the realm of fiction.

17. In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

I like to think I’m a much nicer person than he is. I can be blunt and a bit of a troll sometimes, but I really don’t like hurting anyone, or trying to force people to do stuff they don’t like. As for Zok, he’s much more confident and well-spoken than I am, and he’s had the determination to stick with one job for a thousand years. 

18. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

We’re both interested in culture, myth, and history, and feel better when we can assign some order to the world around us. 

19. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

As I see it, the core of Zok’s character is that he wants to bring order to the world; that’s why his job title is ‘Ritual Master’ rather than ‘High Priest’ or something more overtly religious. If he can’t see an obvious reason why things are the way they are, he’ll invent one that makes sense to him (and serves his needs). 

I think this is what Zok sees as his most important trait too -- in his mind, he took a bunch of feral newborn creatures who (by all rights) were never meant to have existed in the first place, and helped turn them into a civilized, godlike people who rule an entire planet. But that feral nature is always under the surface, and they still need ritual and order (and yes, punishment) to keep it in check. 

20. Has your character(s) changed over the time that you have been playing them? How have they changed?

I haven’t been playing Zok for very long, but I’ve recently had a chance to write how he feels about deeper questions, like what it would mean for Skeksis to have children, and what happens to Skeksis and urRu souls after they die. I think it’s made him a bit more three-dimensional. 

About You!

1.     What is your name?

Kate, a.k.a. Crow or Lady Stormcrow

2.     What is your profession?

Social worker, currently working in substance abuse treatment.

3.     What do you do to relax?

Watch favorite TV shows, play video games, listen to music, hang out outdoors, chat online. 

4.     What is your favorite treat (desert)?

I have a big weakness for flan and other custard desserts. Also caramel.

5.     Favorite movie

Amadeus (1984).

6.     Favorite book

Good Omens (and yes I loved the series too). 

7.     Favorite vacation spot

Grand Cayman. We were supposed to visit again this spring, but COVID happened.

8.     Favorite Disney movie

I’m not sure I have one favorite, but I love Fantasia and The Rescuers.

9.     How did you first get into role playing?

Almost 20 years ago, lol. When I first started going online in high school, I made an online friend ( @ksclaw ) who introduced me to the concept. We played interactions with our SWAT Kats fan characters, and she helped me get the hang of it.

10. What was your first platform? If it was something other than Tumblr, what made you get into Tumblr?

It was Livejournal. I discovered Tumblr in late 2011 after my friends in the Megamind fandom introduced me to it, and most of us migrated here from our old LJ community. I loved being able to reblog whatever struck my fancy, and while my interest has waxed and waned, as you can see I’m still here.

11. What’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

I like to think I have pretty good grammar. I know I’m guilty of run-on sentences, though, and I overuse ellipses and mix up ; and -- far too much. 

12. Are there any languages besides English in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

Not really. I can speak and understand a little Spanish and French, but not enough to write anything meaningful, and I’m wary of translation software for anything beyond a short sentence. Sorry!

13. Do you listen to music while your write?

Sometimes. Usually not when I’m doing the actual writing (that’s distracting, and I like to hear the words in my head), but I’ll listen to it beforehand to get myself in a mood or get some inspiration.

14. Are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

Late morning after I’ve had my coffee is usually my best time. Unfortunately I’m usually at work during that time, but on slow days and weekends I try to take advantage of it.

15. How does tiredness affect your writing?

It turns me into a zombie who can dream but cannot actually write.

16. What is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

Lack of motivation. I daydream and imagine stuff easily enough, but putting it down into writing is much harder, especially when I’m braindead from work.

17. How many drafts is a paralyzing amount?

More than 5 is daunting, though fortunately Zok hasn’t gotten that many yet.

18. Is there anything character-wise or writing style-wise that you can’t stand?

Players who are unwilling to have their characters be in the wrong, or who get upset if my character doesn’t react the way they wanted. Not all interactions are going to be smooth and happy, and I’m fine with that. Your character is not you, just like mine is not me.

19. What kind of anonymous questions are your favorite?

Weird ones. I like having my muses react to them.

20. What is your weakest point in writing? Angst, fluff, dialogue, etc.?

Fluff is kind of tricky. I don’t have trouble imagining it, but I get paralyzed thinking “this is too indulgent, I shouldn’t publish it, no one but me will like it, etc.” Maybe that’s part of why Zok appeals to me, because he’s not the fluffy type. 

[iamvegorott]

Undercover Love Ch. 42

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Fighting Nightmares

“Code red!” Anti screamed before scooping Blank up and running towards the kitchen, stopping when Mad appeared in front of him.

“We just want Blank back,” Mad said, holding his hands up.

“Not happening,” Anti growled, jumping back with Blank when he saw Jackie leaping for Mad, tackling him from behind. Mad was gone before he even landed, making Jackie hit the ground. Marvin practically flew out of the hallway and went straight for Mare, Chase following close behind.

“Bing, Google, stay here and keep them covered,” Dark ordered, referring to Henrik, Edward, Bim, RJ, CJ, Robbie, and Host. “I’ll get Blank in here soon.”

“We can help!” Bing argued.

“Stay!” Dark shouted his order again and rushed over to Anti.

“Don’t go.” Bim caught Yandere’s arm. “I’m not letting you get hurt again.” He added before Yandere could protest, managing to convince her to stay in the kitchen with the others.

“Hold him!” Wilford shouted out as he ran. Phantom felt arms go around him, but couldn’t see them. Phantom managed to get himself turned around before Wilford could get to him, making him hit his back but he felt none of it. “Shit!” Wilford cursed when JJ reappeared and fell off of Phantom. Phantom was about to attack JJ but Wilford threw his body against him, sending both of them falling away from JJ.

“We can’t fight long or we’ll destroy this place,” Dark said to Anti.

“I can stop this,” Blank said. “I’ll be fine.”

“Get Blank somewhere safe, I got this,” Anti said and glitched away.

“Everyone’s going to get hurt,” Blank said.

“Let’s get to the kitchen.” Dark tugged on Blank’s arm.

“No,” Blank said before glitching away himself.

“You have to be kidding me!” Dark shouted, seeing that he was over where Marvin and Chase were fighting Mare.

“Blank!” All three men shouted, Marvin unable to stop a magic attack that was now flying towards Blank.

“No!” Mare grabbed Blank and took the hit, sending both of them tumbling.

“Everyone stop!” Blank’s scream made everyone freeze and place their hands over their ears. Blank’s voice eventually died out and all the could be heard was Anti.

“Let him go.” Anti was the only one unaffected by the screaming and was standing in front of Mare, gun aiming between his eyes. “You have five seconds to let him go before I do the same thing you did to him.”

“Mare!” Phantom went to help but had Wilford and JJ tackle him, pinning him to the ground.

“Do it,” Mare said between gritted teeth. “I’m not losing him again.”

“No! No, no, no!” Phantom screamed out his pleas. “Don’t! Don’t!” Mad was standing in the corner of the room, eyes wide and legs shaking. Jackie saw him and he was thinking of holding him down as well but when Mad slid down and sat on the ground, hands over his mouth, Jackie knew it wasn’t needed.

“Anti, don’t,” Blank said softly, ducking his head away when Anti moved closer and pressed the barrel of the gun to Mare’s head.

“Why did you shoot him?” Anti asked.

“To keep him safe,” Mare answered.

“You starved him,” Anti growled

“We fed him,” Mare stated. “We don’t know why he’s so small.”

“Shoot me! If you want to shoot someone, shoot me!” Phantom cried, wiggling against Wilford and JJ, the two men sharing a look.

“Don’t!” Mare gasped out when Anti turned to look at Phantom. “Not him, not him, please.” Anti saw that tears were starting to form in Mare’s eyes. “Don’t hurt my brother.” Everyone’s attention was taken away again where there was a soft wheezing. Mad was trembling and wheezing with each intake of air, beginning to cough not long after. “Mad, get your inhaler,” Mare said and Mad only kept coughing. “Mad, your inhaler.” Mare’s voice was firm. “Mad?” Mare’s hand moved and Anti pressed the gun against him. “He’s having an asthma attack!” Mare snapped. “You can kill me if you want, but he needs his inhaler and I have a spare in my pocket!”

“I can take the inhaler,” Jackie said, walking over to Anti. “We’re not monsters.” He added when Anti looked at him. “We’ve won.” Jackie bent down and took the inhaler from Mare, going back over to Mad. “Here.” Jackie bent down once more and helped Mad use the inhaler, eventually getting him to breathe normally again.

There was a shift in the air as everyone was now stuck in place, none of them knowing what was happening and what was going to happen next. Phantom’s sobbing was the only sound in the room. Eventually, Blank started to move. He placed his hand on the gun and put himself between it and Mare.

“Blank, no,” Mare said.

“Blank?” Anti lowered the gun. “What are you doing?”

“They’re loud and crude and mean but…” Blank took in a deep breath. “They’re my family.”

“But the bruises?” Anti gestured with his other hand.

“They were trying to teach me how to fight and I’m not very good at it, they stopped a while ago but my body would let the bruises go away.” Blank shrugged.

“They tortured Marvin.”

“Like you’ve never done that.” Phantom scoffed. “You’ve never done anything like that to get information to make sure that you’re safe?”

“Mad could have taken Marvin’s sanity away, all of his memories could have been wiped, but we couldn’t do that when we learned that he was married, that he had kids,” Mare said. “We weren’t ready to learn that it was a zombie and a virus, but we’re not that normal either.”

“Anti, they’re like us.” Chase suddenly said. “We’ve done terrible, horrendous things to keep our family safe.”

“Then what do we do?” Anti asked, no one noticing that Jackie had gone stiff and took off.

“I don’t know,” Chase admitted. “Maybe we should…” Chase stopped when something black started to seep through the ground. “Dark is that-”

“Not my territory,” Dark said, looking as if he wanted to get sick as the black ooze touched his feet. Google and Bing could be heard pushing the others back since the ooze wasn’t coming into the kitchen.

“Alice, stop it,” Mare said, getting Dark and Anti to stiffen.

“Alice?” Anti said. “Did you just say, Alice?”

“Yes and she’s throwing a fit. Alice! Stop!” Mare shouted but the ooze kept coming in. “Enough with the ink!”

“Ink?” The word barely left Marvin’s mouth before everyone fell through what was ink, sending everyone in the room down a shifting tunnel and being blinded by a bright light.

——————– ——————– ——————–

Requests are CLOSED Commissions are OPEN Tag List: @wisevoidpastacash @takethepainawaybae@superdltpurplerage@superarrowholockian @always-in-a-fandom@wolfbear135@cutecatwhiskersstuff@blueyeswhitedragon16@allimeraine@hey-wow-thats-me @pixelenchanter@queenbrandon @aviana-felsari@lavenderamy@northicckque @rainymae523@timeless-gris @allthespaceboo@virge-of-death @crystal-fridge @demons-jim@blackkttn13@derpytoez@bartonisamess @fandom-guy@hypercat360@sodabeet @cookieface678@plutonic-5 @wilford-motherluvin-warfstache @thegaysalt@burningpeachdelusionofchaos @mei-li-de-tou-fu@anightmarefan@it-squishy-here @prince-ryker @ninjasversuslife @phanimapala67@doodledaf@acidbab-y @spaceykidd0@shamelesscollectorpiratesstuff@spookyparkster@dploverness@classy-birb@crookedlyaddictedtodark@tmblr-a-binch@sirkawaiipotato @little-frying-pan@quotesnerd@medusadoggo@madallice329@rudenesssarcasmlackingenthusiasm @tessytaartje @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch@thetrashspace@thesinginggal@mad-men-inc@sealover89@bobberino98 @ king-explosion-murderrr@succos-tacos@positive-potato @coogwoog  @ninja-girl2846 @lala121415

[timelostcarrion]

Just common consideration, there was no tension to really be had to make them wrestle with words, and she wasn’t going to intend it either. Her hand remained where it was even while he’d be staring her down in the manner, all whilst he decided to hang onto it now. Making her fingers wiggle in a strained fashion, but not bothersome.

The undead simply melted into the shape of his palm. It’s little body gyrating up and down from the weight regulating between each stroke, never taking its eyes off him before it would take a few steps closer, inching in the best it can before melting in place afterwards and ruffling up. Josiah has made a lot more worse things, but these are preferable too for her.

She’d squint providing his look, that until he spoke his thoughts and made her snort. “I thrive around dead things - and dead things love me, thank you- but it is.” She’d chime before leaning down to look at her little creation, just using her freehand index finger to prod at its puffed body and soon cup her entire hand over it, almost looking like she squished it. “Still just as soft.” Lifting the same hand, She’d prod Shiros forehead. “Sleep. It’ll keep an eye on you.” It would pull away to his sprawled arm and snatch it - not harshly, but just so she could move it so he’d not lock it up from the position.

♔ - tell my muse to (instead of speaking though, she’d pat the ground beside her - gesturing to come sit)

✡

What was up with the three of them always opting to sit on the ground when there were plenty of more comfortable options to choose from? God forbid they acted like normal people for a day, their entire DNA might unravel out of shock.

But the ground was the next best thing to someone who could barely see two meters in front of him anymore due to fatigue and other detrimental factors. Shiro rolled with it, given that he hadn’t been feeling too well to be standing up anyway. Upon receiving her invitation, he plopped down on the floor next to her and tucked his legs underneath himself. It looked like he was about to crumble as he stared at her and blinked sleepily a couple of times. And so he did, fallen over to the side and accidentally missing her lap in favour of the hard ground by a mere centimeter. No sounds, no words - just an eerie silence followed the loud thud. He did not even have the strength to complain anymore.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Houseki no Kuni 3 - 6 | Girls’ Last Tour 3 - 6 | Boueibu OVA | Netjuu no Susume 6 | Juuni Taisen 7 | Mahoutsukai no Yome 6

Apparently there’s a bonus if you watch until the end of the 5th ep of Netjuu no Susume…I’ve seen it, or else I wouldn’t be telling you it exists.

I’ve rolled out the simulcast commentary tags for the seasonal shows that don’t have tags yet (aside from Netjuu no Susume’s replacement when that time comes).

Plus, as you can see in the title…there’s the Boueibu OVA in this bundle of notes, for completion’s sake.

Houseki no Kuni 3

That snail sure is a lively thing.

Really? A poop joke? Well, that’s one way to rub Phos’s new state into Dia’s face.

…welp, not much to talk about this time, I guess.

Houseki no Kuni 4

What the heck? The snail has a type???

This OP is lovely. Its best aspect is the visuals, though. It sounds kind of plain compared to even Saturday Night Question (Netjuu no Susume).

That snail makes a nice wig for Master Kongo, doesn’t it?

I’m listening to this show for the first time, and Phos uses “boku”, interestingly enough.

The snail's urge to go back to its home in the sea reminds me that lots of Chinese people go back to their country for Chinese New Year. I wonder if the same sentiment is involved in both instances?

The ED is nice, but not as good as the OP.

Houseki no Kuni  5

Watermelon? I feel sorry for the gem which has that name.

Ahh! These jellyfish are cute (and practical)!

“No getting all weak-kneed now!” – Says Phos, who’s got legs potentially harder than their body.

Houseki no Kuni 6

Trust exercises. I did some with some members of my anime club once. (Haha.)

I noticed the spikes were blue, so they might be Sapphire. It’s kind of like Rabbit’s necromantistry (Juuni Taisen), but…in a slightly different form.

Girls’ Last Tour 3

Kanazawa???? *thinks about King’s Game, where the protag and the author share the surname Kanazawa*

There’s some extremely glaring CGI during this episode. For a moment, you can discern Chi’s made of CGI while in her Kettenkrad.

Please don’t ship the grown man with the loli.

That’s some grim humour they attempted with Kanazawa. Kinda like Zetsubou-sensei (Nozomu Itoshiki).

Boueibu OVA

I almost wasn’t going to cover this, because it’s an OVA, but hey, why not make an exception? This may be the last time we Boueibu fans can talk about this stuff again…(Plus I think I’ll have volume for the entire thing if I hurry.)

Haha, the volleyball scene. Notice En talks first.

Yumoto’s being basic as always. *sighs happily*

Trump, eh? The word for playing cards is trump, but…y’know?

(about “graduating in a storm of cherry blossoms” and En saying it sounds lonely) I was just about to say that, En. However, that may just be OVA feels speaking.

Itsumo Ichiban? Rememer that guy? Well, there’s Itsumo’s brother on Kin-chan’s list. You can tell because he’s literally Itsumo Nisan. Geddit?

(about Zundar’s meeting with Kin-chan) The manga! It was correct after all!

Yep, that’s exactly how it went 2 years ago. In fact, I think it might be recycled content…(?)

Wombat speaks very formally. I learnt about keigo in the past year so I only picked up on that this time around.

The word used by Aki is “sad” according to the subs, but hazukashii means “embarrassing”, which puts a new spin on it.

They’re literally just using montages of s1, which is why I want Pony Canyon to bundle the OVA with s2. It’s more money, but for the consumer, it’s more worth it. However…having Bi…Egoism in an anime segment at all is new.

Akoya must be popular in the fandom. Either that or the staff are acknowledging how unloved he is.

Yay! It’s Star the VEPPer!

It’s good that each of these side characters is getting their own montage. Plus we’re getting official translations of the character songs, which is the best thing you can get for free when character songs aren’t distributed normally in most cases.

4th wall breaking! I guess you never expected that, eh? (Actually, you probably did, considering it’s been a montage for almost everyone now.)

(I love En’s little snarks in the middle of the song.) The only one left after this is Atsushi, right? Update: Oops, forgot Kin-chan. Sorry Kin-chan.

I never really realised Atsushi’s song was so hard rock compared to En’s more pop-like one.

“But do I really have that fire inside of me?” – I think I heard the song go atsui which is a real funky (in a good way) pun on Atsushi’s name.

Aww, they missed out in such a good pun! Haru went haru and Aki went aki. The translator didn’t pick up on that though…aww.

Whoa! Yumoto got all scary! Botan Yuzuru though…gotta look into that later for magicalgirlsandcerulean.

This (Spanish?) guitar reminds me of this track from The Dog Island.

A-ha! This is what you get when you translate the Japanese in the ads too.I was quite right indeed, although it really is the dang 132nd graduation ceremond.

It’s literally a button monster. Don’t wanna mash his buttons! (I bet you’re all groaning from my jokes, ahaha…)

Dadacha’s voice sounds kinda ridiculous now because Yasumoto is clearly using the deeper voice he normally uses for Zundar.

Notice the monster’s face is made from the character 高 (the first character in the Japanese word for “high school”).

Salty Sol is still salty after all this time…sad life.

That train station is the same one from the beach episode!

I’ve seen enough spoilers so I know where this is going…I already identified in the spoiler chat what Wombat is going to catch as a reference to a Kenji Miyazawa work.

This train is somewhat obviously CGI…

Spinach curry? When’d Wombat eat that?

Ths slideshow appears to be all the clean art for everything they’ve ever produced in the Boueibu canon! Even events and collabs!

“So wipe away your tears.” – I’m not crying, you are…*tear leaks from corner of eye*

I don’t recognise two of those pictures…(EnAtsu beach pic and a yukata one with the Defence Club on the roof.)

Oh…my…it’s over? Well, frankly I was expecting the fandom’s end in 2015…so, here’s to the future. Farewell, and remember: love is forever! Separations are only a new beginning!

Netjuu no Susume 6

That was a really bad Glico man in the back (of Koiwai)…

I think something’s wrong with my eye. It just gave off a few tears…(kidding tone)

Whose car is this that Morimori-chan is sitting in??? Update: It’s a taxi. Whoops.

I think Morimori-chan used the word douryou (colleagues, coworkers) instead of employees. The word for employees would probably be very different.

Nikunokiya??? (thinks about Kinokuniya)

(Koiwai goes Ai no chikara ne…) Boueibu reference…kind of.

Notice Koiwai said he was low on health in the text but he said zombie in the Japanese. That’s where Fruits de Mer comes in for Morimori-chan.

“There’s no way I’d say something like that!”

I think the cup this ED is new. Plus the headphones.

Oh! I spotted Morimori-chan with the medium length hair in the background of Sakurai’s bit of the ED.

There are some blurry pictures of Koiwai in the ED and they’re so hilarious!!!

So the ED actually evolves along with the show. Interesting.

Juuni Taisen 7

Rabbit stores his blades in his tail. That’s weird, but funny.

Literally, the episode title is “Dragon Head, Snake Tail”.

Dragon and Snake really are like the Beppus! I keep thinking that. I want a crossover fic now…

Tatsu = dragon.

I only just realised but…a naga is a snake. Nagayuki is the younger bro, isn’t he? Dangit, Nisio Isin! You bested me again.

150 doesn’t have any significance in regards to the number 12 now does it?

It’s Rabbit! Who’s not wearing his trademark booty shorts or high heels! Rabbit in a waiter’s outfit is really something, though.

“Hot guy”? Not by most people’s standards Tora/Kanae, considering he’s currently missing his head.

It’s tiger versus…aww. It’s not tiger vs dragon…

How can Ushii still talk after being strangled by Snake’s arm???

Whoa! Incendiary components are cool in Bond movies, but fiery liquid? That’s a step up!

Mahoutsukai no Yome 6

Admit it. You saw it in the next ep preview (unless you skipped it or read the manga)…It’s TITania time!

“She touched me for the first time.” – Elias, what a dork you are…

The birbs around Chise are so fluffy and adorable! It’s cute.

Geez, it really is TITania…these fanservice wiggles are destroying my Mahoutsukai no Yome experience…

Seing the Faerie Queen facepalm…is something else. *sweatdrops*

In the same way I want a koala sheep from Avatar the Last Airbender, I want one of those sheep bug things.

“Every creature of the night, including she and you, are my adorable little children.” – No wonder you have such big hooters, TITania…

A wild SIMON appeared!…Thought we’d forgotten about him for the rest of the episode. He would’ve made a better brick joke if his return were prolonged, y’know.

Strange question, but do priests wear pants?

Girls’ Last Tour 4

I’m listening to Ugoku Ugoku for the first time and it’s…strangely catchy…

That thing with the face is really creepy…

That thing is a stone statue???

“What IS cheese?” – Considering sometimes cheese tastes pretty bad, I don’t blame you for not knowing what cheese is.

Couldn’t they check the camera for what Kanazawa was doing with it?

I just saw the number 3230 on the camera’s inside frame for taking pictures (whatever you call it). That might be the year this show is set…

Notice the word for temple that’s used is jiin, a Buddhist temple. A Shinto version of that might be jinja.

Kanazawa was voiced by Akira Ishida? The guy who did Kiku (SGRS)??? NOOOOOOO! I missed a prime opportunity! I’ll have to go back for it later.

The ED is even more catchy than the OP. Is that even possible???

The camera breaks in the ED…that’s so ominous…

That post-ED scene was cute. A little bit.

Girls’ Last Tour 5

The slightly-electronic-sounding OP doesn’t quite fit the show, does it?

The phrase used was definitely ie dake ni. I’m not quite sure what that means, but…okay. I’ll just believe the subs on that one.

I wonder if Sentai is planning to dub these…I can imagine this show being dubbed.They wouldn’t need to pay too many VAs for it, for one thing.

Akogare is the word for desire or longing. It would be no surprise f there was an akogaru or akogarareru made from it as well.

Notice it’s “Yay!”, but with the word for house (ie) emphasised.

What is this fish dream, a metaphor for lesbians…?

The soundtrack guys must’ve had lots of fun striking cans or whatever.

I think this ED is different to the one last ep…Its name appears to be Amadare no Uta and it’s sung by the main VAs.

I bet the soundtrack guys hit a bell or two there…

Girls’ Last Tour 6

Oh no! It’s an Anime Scientist! Last time we had one, it was Shinawa (Kado), and you know how badly that went…

Interesting that the word for “takeoff” is “separation [from the] ground” literally.

Okay! I’m caught up to the weekly episodes now!

[49scribes-a]

Starters From Shit Said In Gaming Streams:

Some NSFW and potentially triggering content

“Yeah sometimes those big zombies just don't take the hint and then half their bodies come after me.”

“Stop throwing up zombies. Its unsanitary.”

“Thigh highs fit for any _____.”

“BARREL ROLL.”

“Stop keeping quotes about the shit I say when I'm _________.”

“OH, RAPID FIRE. RAPID FIRE. LOOK AT THAT.”

“...whatever the fuck that shit is.”

*sarcastically* “Oh nooo... an ambush. Like, whatever will I do.”

“Y'know I would've fallen from whatever height that was and I would've gotten up.”

“OYNO. Where is it? KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT.”

“Ew it popped.”

“____lord disapproves.”

“Rocking that [name]licious scarf.”

“SHIT ITS BOY/GIRLFRIEND IS COMING.”

“Oh, shit, that's a lot.”

“Of course half of them had to live.”

“Oh did you die finally? Thanks for the money! Even if you only had ___.”

“You made people suffer enough when you were alive. Can't you, y'know, give it a rest?”

“I'm little red riding hood~”

" 'Just got [name]'d'. WOW. You really gonna go there?”

“Already went there.”

“Okay I'm bored. I'm gonna leave it. I'm gonna leave it alone.”

“Op she's vomitting zombies.”

“Deeeeaaaaaath.”

“[name]licious used Swift! Its super effective!”

“Please stop.”

“Whoa that star kinda freaked out.”

“Pop goes the zombubble.”

“Y'know whenever people say [ran him through with a sword] I think of someone like literally running and PLUNGING their sword through someone.”

“If ur sword-running game ain't as strong as Season 2 Suzaku's y'ain't doin it right.”

“We don't talk about that ending. That still hurts me.”

“OF COURSE WE DO. You know what we REALLY don't talk about?"

“WE DON’T TALK ABOUT _____.”

“The goat people!!! And the trees...”

“We've got demonic goat people, I think some frogs... yep, definitely a frog.”

“This house is on fire but it wasn't me.”

“Ooooo legendary shoulders.”

“Oh great, they explode.”

“Biiiirb. Birb birb birb birb. Caw caw motherclucker. BIIIIIRB.”

“I'm going to name this bird ______, and it will be the best ______.”

“Did you just name that ____ after [name]?”

“[name]licious and [name]. Nice(tm).”

“You could've lived if you just stayed still like a good tree.”

“Swift Game Intensifies.”

“Cat Fight!”

“Long time no dick shot.”

"[NAME] YOU ARE BANNED.”

“Holy shit that was a trip.”

“The sweet sound of projectile evisceration.”

“Anybody alive on this side? Okay good I don't need that kind of drama in my life.”

“I COULDN'T STOP PUNCHING HIM.”

“Story of my life.”

“I love how you got literally blown away.”

“Fuck your _____-- SHIT, FUCK--”

“We forgot to start a swear count.”

“Explode, explode, explode-- yyeeaaaaa.”

“I HATE LIFE WHAT IS THAT HOW DID I MISS”

“RIPPERONI SWISS CHEESE”

“Don't you give me your patronizing pats I don't need them.”

“See if I ever give you sympathy pats again.”

“I'm still keeping quotes just fyi.”

“Fucking gasp.”

“BLOWUP BLOWUP BLOWUP BLOWUP.”

“STOP TAKING QUOTES, [NAME] oh my god--”

“I need to take that guy over there with that freaking shotgun Hell nya.”

“YOINK.”

“Eeeeew he ragdolled...”

“Uuuh what did you guys see-- actually nope no I take it back I don't wanna know I don't wanna know what you guys saw.”

“2 much swear 4 utube.”

“I... read that as [do you know how many brain dead dick heads I've hung in my life] and I was like... since when did you kill people?”

“If I killed people you would know because I wouldn't be able to keep my disgusting disection pictures to my fucking self.”

"[CHECK OUT THIS ORGAN LOOK HOW WEIRD IT IS].”

“I was going to laugh if you pole-vaulted to your doom.”

“Well, no, you can swing across. Me? I'm gonna get fUCKED.”

“HIS LEG WORK.”

“I'M IN ATUAL TEARS.”

“I'm like... expecting something to blow up at this poi-- aaand there it is.”

“I don't know what you're reaching for cuz God ain't gonna help you.”

“Wouldn't it be funny if he hit the window and he just... didn't go through it. Just hit the window with a loud THUNK like a bird hitting glass.”

“That rocket launcher is gonna become my best friend.”

“YOU STILL FUCKING SURVIVED THAT SHIT? YOU TOOK IT TO THE /FACE/.”

“Fuck off, I don't want what you're selling-- I DON'T WANT WHAT YOU'RE SELLING.”

“Fuck your turret gun.”

“Fuck it.”

“YEAA-- NOOOOO.”

“How did that not just shove his nose into his skull?”

“I wouldn't have gotten back up, I would've been down. I would've probably been knocked out or... winded... and crying.”

“Yea fuck you _______ I don't like you either.”

“Her name is _____ lady and _____ lady it shall stay.”

“I can't wait to-- Oh look another fucking _______.”

“MAN, HE TWIRLLLED.”

“When I die, I want to ragdoll.”

“Why ragdoll like an Uncharted NPC when you can ragdoll like a Skyrim character leaping off the top of the Throat of the World on the back of a horse.”

“The music is so nice when you don't pay attention to the destruction around you.”

“I want to glitch through the ground, stretching for miles across the land while twitching enough to unnerve the most bad ass fucker before flipping off into space like a goddamn hyper speed rubber band.”

“You want the weirdest things...”

“But they are simple things.”

“How is her makeup still straight. Eye liner still on point.”

“HEY LOOK ITS YOU-- I'm just kidding.”

“You hurt my feelings, that IS totally me.”

“Worship me and my big blue ball.”

“Oh that werewolf fucker. Fucking closet furry.”

“Manicure my _____ nails.”

“I know, I have to fix your ass because all your shit is where its not supposed to be.”

“WELL ITS NOT FUN IF I MAKE IT EASY.”

“DO U THINK I WANT PEOPLE IN HERE TOUCHING ALL MY SECRET SHIT.”

“I GOT PORN MAGS IN HERE.”

“You know I just kinda realized how weird of a pose that is.”

“Tbh -- its taking a huge shit.”

“For some reason I forgot the water drains and thought the statue's loin cloth lifts to reveal a doorway between its legs.”

“God damn it, tired of your bullshit. Have to keep fixing your stuff. Keep fixing your ______...”

“This isn't a dagger. Its a _____. But I'd still stab someone with it.”

*Opens my chastity belt.*

“You know its actually kinda romantic down here---no its not.”

“I transcended the ban like a boss.”

“YOU'RE STILL BANNED, [NAME].”

“GET VORED BY THE STATUE.”

“WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS.”

“I really hope I get that job so I can buy that shirt that says [_______] I've been wanting.”

“No, the part with the ice caves, before you meet Furry McFuckgoat.”

“While that is a very metal fucking way to die -- it also seems extremely uncomfortable.”

“I was surprised there wasn't anything supernatural... or weird. I mean besides the exploding mummies.”

“WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THOSE GOLEM POSERS.”

“What a dick! Making me throw that grenade without meaning to!”

“You know I just shot him... a clip full... in the dick. I didn't mean to but... it happened.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Have a grenade.”

“Yeah you're not allowed up here. You have a ______. We don't serve your kind here.”

“New user -- who dis”

“I might regret this decision later.”

“[Name], please, stop playing peek-a-boo.”

“That dead guy just... waves goodbye as he ragdolls.”

“I HAVE REGRETS.”

“You know what, just as well. I have regrets. I didn't mean to throw that grenade.”

“PANICKING. PANICKING.”

“THINK YOU'RE FUCKING FANCY WITH YOUR ROLLING?”

“Okay that guy was defying gravity for a while there, that was kinda weird.”

“YOU'RE NOT FANCY-- Oh my god he twirled.”

“I FOUND WHAT I WANT.” *runs*

“REGRETS. Aaaah, regrets. A lot of regrets.”

“That death twitch... as seen on Twitch TV.”

“Little man, compensating much.”

“Right in the Shnoz.”

“ZIG ZAG, ZIG ZAG.”

“I DON'T THINK ZIG ZAG WORKS WITH MILITARY RPGS.”

“Make-up still on point. Hair still flawless.”

“LAMINATE YOUR FUCKING MAP. ITS RAINING. IS THAT MAP EVEN RELIABLE AT THIS POINT.”

“Where would you laminate a map in ______? What do you think there's a Kinkos around the corner?

“GOD IDK, BUT PUT IT IN SOMETHING MORE WATERPROOF THAN YOUR ASS POCKET.”

“Oh man that is the best twirl I have ever seen.”

“Fab. He practiced.”

“I just had to process Impressed because I heard it as Imp Breasts.”

“Drama queen. Fucking clutching his chest to die. Just ragdoll like everyone else.”

“Hey, what has more brains than the gunmen right now? The wall behind them.”

"[that didn't attract too much attention] YOU RAN A TRAIN THROUGH A BUILDING.”

“I am just a soggy man.”

“I have water logged fingers.”

“Yeah. YEAH. I forgot about these actually. Ah... ha ha... I forgot about these...” *cries*

“Her tits are always bigger from the side. The fuck is with that. They never the same size either. Watch. Watch them titties grow.”

“All Aboard the Pain Train.”

“Push your ass off the train-- BYE.”

“REALLY. YOU-- who has the strength of a shit ton of fucking monkeys... can't kick that through?”

“My heart just did A Thing at being called [they].”

“I never actually see the scenery on this train because I'm always dying.”

“BANE OF MY EXISTENCE RIGHT HERE. Guess my streak of Not Dying is gonna end right here.”

“AAH I ALMOST DIED-- I almost died there too.”

“SPLAT.”

“Railroaded.”

“Oh, I'm gonna have to fight a big guy. I really-- please don't make me fight a big guy.”

“Damn he thicc.”

“Here, its a present~” *throws a grenade*

“I think they want a receipt for their present so they can return it.”

“Bye-- I think that was a dick shot.”

“I love the sound of glass breaking.”

“I missed...” *tsk* “That's a problem.”

“Hey. For stress relief, fling yourself. Right there. To the left.”

“LAAAAAAAAUNCH.”

“Just fucking launch into oblivion for stress relief.”

“I just ate someone else’s half eaten burger like the trash goblin I am.”

“I am both mildly disgusted with myself and yet satisfied because it was a good burger.”

“Oblivion is to the left. Just launch into it. Embrace it. Fly like the majestic fucking eagle you are.”

*singing* “Life... hates me. I hate life.”

“Did he just die crab walking.”

“Died doing what he loved. Being a crab. Snip snap.”

“Am I the only one here who sees perfect opportunities to fling myself off a cliff and actually does it?”

*whimpers* “WELLIguessitwasallfornothingbecausenowIhavetodiebecausethisasshole--”

“That's the sound of when you get your ass shredded.”

“Good lord--”

“Shredded Wheat [name]s.”

“I hope if I ever die by gun, its to one of those. I wanna look and feel like swiss cheese.”

“You gonna one-punch fuck me like jason borne?”

“ONE PAAAUUUUUUUUNCH.”

“FUCK I got stuck in the wall...”

“HOW THICK THAT DUDES ARMS ARE.”

“STAY AWAY FROM ME I was trying to get away from you.”

“That cat is looking at me like [Why are you yelling so much?]”

“Man you eat more bullets than dogs in Resident Evil.”

“Fuck my life, Terminator.”

“That's not his liver...”

“That's totally his liver.”

“Well that's what you get for not paying for your train ticket.”

“Train stops here.”

“Guess they got... sidetracked.”

“You could say he's got a one-track mind.”

“You could say its been derailed.”

“I don't think this is the best train of thought for this situation.”

"I think I can, I think I can...”

“YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, SNEAKING UP ON ME LIKE THAT.”

“I hope I took them out wiTH MY DEATH.”

“Fucking gave him a sliding icy nut shot.”

“Packed some powder onto those donut holes.”

“I didn't say I was coming naked to this place.”

“Just barrel roll over a fucking corpse it coo'l.”

“Where do these fuckers get grenades at like... they need to shove their grenades up their ass.”

“I don't know what the fuck you think you saw but it wasn't me.”

*Hands you voreos*

“Get out of here with your voreos.”

[bunnyandbirb]

Birb’s B-Movies #1 : Birdemic: Shock and Terror

IMDB : 1.8 / Rotten Tomatoes : 19%

Birdemic: Shock and Terror is a 2010 ““““romantic thriller”””” film written, directed, and produced by the same guy (which we all know is the hallmark of a good movie.) Unlike those masterpieces however, Birdemic doesn’t feature the writer/producer/director James Nguyen as its lead actor... though I’m not entirely sure that it would’ve impacted the quality of the movie much either way.

I stumbled upon Birdemic a few years back and instantly knew that it would be one of my favorite movies of all time. It features all the characteristics of a *quality* film: comically bad acting, dialogue so stilted it’s hard to believe it was written by a real person, truly “special” effects - all compiled by what I can only imagine were two monkeys at an editing desk. It’s almost impossible to understand this movie without just sitting down and watching it, so I encourage you wholeheartedly to witness it yourself.

As the movie starts we’re introduced to our lead, Rod, who is clearly an alien still getting used to his new human body. The movie provides plenty of exposition into his life right off the bat, with five minutes of mundane traffic shots intermingled with equally dull shots of Rod driving. The same 20-second music clip is played on loop for the duration of this entire sequence, sometimes with a few second pauses in between each repetition.

When he finally decides to get out of the damn car, Rod has a horribly audio-balanced interaction in a diner, where he creeps on some girl that he remembers from high school. The girl, Nathalie, is a model who has photoshoots exclusively at one-hour photo studios in strip malls. She diligently cuts her sandwich into pieces and leaves the diner without eating any of it. I originally assumed that Rod runs after her to ask what her problem is, but alas. Instead the two have a painfully awkward conversation and split ways after exchanging business cards (score!) Apparently, director Nguyen had told Nathalie’s actress not to socialize with Rod’s actor outside of filming. This is either because he wanted to keep Rod’s extraterrestrial identity a secret, or he wanted to ensure that the two main characters would have no chemistry whatsoever. He succeeded at one of those, at least.

Rod spends his time watching news broadcasts on global warming, driving through more traffic, and wearing long sleeves under a t-shirt to play basketball. Not only is he terrible at pretending to be human, Rod is also one of the worst salespeople I’ve ever seen.

But hey. Despite barely being able to string together a coherent sentence, Rod somehow manages to whip million dollar deals out of his ass without even breaking out of his monotone. So maybe I’m the dumb one.

The next 50 minutes of the movie pass by like this:

Some guy comes by to install solar panels.

Our favorite couple find a jpeg of a dead bird on the beach.

Nathalie’s mom forgets her lines but they keep the take anyway.

This scene happens.

Rod calls Nathalie his “Hot Ferrari.”

There is a performance of the most memorable song of this century.

Rod and Nathalie go on three (count it, 3!!) awkward dates.

One of these is a double date where they go to watch An Inconvenient Truth.

Another is a mostly silent outing to a pumpkin festival, where Rod looks like he is desperately trying to understand the world around him.

Finally, Nathalie and Rod end up in bed together. There are several agonizingly slow pan shots of seemingly random stock footage of landscapes before we are rewarded with this:

Yes. Those are birds dive-bombing a town, complete with plane sounds.

Rod and Nathalie wake up, and it is revealed that Rod likes to have sex with his pants and belt still on. (This is probably the biggest plot twist in the movie.) They look out the window and see an animated gif of a bird hovering right in front of the glass. After realizing that their phones all don’t work, they push the mattress against the window (which is supposed to help… how?) The birds eventually all leave for no reason and they meet another couple, Ramsey and Becky, that was staying in the room next to them.

The four of them run to Ramsey’s car in preparation for another bird attack, all wielding the most efficient weapon possible: clothes hangers. This swiftly leads up to the greatest fight sequence of all time.

They drive out of town, saving two zombies disguised as children on the way. Ramsey, an ex-marine, drops this line of wisdom: “I'm just tired of all the fucking killing in Iraq. Why can't we just give peace a chance?” before picking from his arsenal of assault rifles and opening fire on any birds in sight.

In between towns, they meet a scientist named Dr. Jones (who Rod eloquently points out by saying, “Hey, look! There’s an old guy on the bridge!”). Dr. Jones lectures to the group for what seems like forever, explaining the dangers of global warming and loosely using that as a reason for the sudden bird attacks. And no, it doesn’t make any sense.

Becky gets instakilled by a bird while innocently taking a shit in a field. The poor girl hardly even got to say any lines. Ramsey and Nathalie try their best to cry. Rod doesn’t even make an attempt.

As the rest of the group run away, they pass by a bus full of people who are being held hostage by birds.

Ramsey has apparently lost his will to live, and goes on a suicide mission to save the passengers. Of course this goes badly (how could it not?). Ramsey and the extras are all sprayed by some kind of bird acid, which looks suspiciously like orange juice with pulp. Pulp is pretty disgusting, so they all scream in prolonged agony and die on the spot.

Rod, Nathalie and the zombie children drive to a convenience store where Rod tries to buy gas from the very authentic Middle-Eastern owner. In fact, I have suspicions that the owner was not actually an actor at all, and Nguyen just asked him to say some lines for the movie. The guy looks like he does not give a single shit about what’s happening. It was also confirmed by the actors that the crew often just showed up to places to film without permits, so there’s that.

In any case, the makeshift family drives along until they get held up by a random cowboy who wants their newly-purchased gas.

He obviously dies via convenient bird, and Rod leaves the scene without even taking the gas with them.

At this point, Nguyen decides that he hasn’t shoved the moral of this movie in our faces enough. As our main characters enter a wooded area, we encounter Tom Hill, a “tree hugger.” Tom gives yet another hamfisted spiel about protecting the environment, only to end the conversation with “I hear a mountain lion! I gotta get back to my house and you better get to your car!”

A forest fire arbitrarily starts as they’re running back to the car, and they make their way to the final location of the movie: the beach.

Rod and Nathalie’s friends, the couple they went on a double date with earlier, are found dead in a car because why not. Rod catches a fish and Nathalie proves how useless she is by bringing back a tub of seaweed. The “kids” refuse to eat either of these things, presumably because they only consume human flesh. They all lock themselves in the car again as the birds attack one last time.

Then the birds leave. Why? Who knows.

We don’t get an explanation, but we do get this scene that doesn’t change until the end of the credits. As you can tell by the wing flaps-per-second, the group of birds on the right are in much better shape than the ones on the left.

Birdemic is a perfect example of a movie that has gone so far into the ‘wrong’ that it loops back into the ‘right.’ I already watch it at least once a month and if anything, it has completely changed my perspective on clothes hangers. The fact that a movie like this was made to be genuinely good gives it that b-movie charm that can’t be knowingly emulated.

Favorite line from the movie: “It's the human species that needs to quit playing cowboy with nature. We must act more like astronauts, spacemen taking care of Spaceship Earth.” - Dr. Jones

Thanks for reading this excessively long overview... OTL

~Stay tuned for more nonsense~

- birb

Extra:

[excrucian]

Nameless Nobilis Session Four

In Which Our Party Decides Hiring Excrucians As Security Is A Good Idea.

Previously | Contents | First

Preparing for a party is quite hard work, and so our gang of protagonists had quite a list of things to do!

Lindsel, the Mistress of Lies and what Aureus thought was his father’s new mistress, was trying to keep our heroes on track. She asked them if they wanted to invite any family or friends.

Aureus wanted to make this party into an open event on Facebook. He had a plan to place a portal in a random warehouse, invite a whole lot of mortals and just have them chill at the party. He began to make arrangements for this, to Lindsel’s facepalming.

Luka had no real family of which to speak of, as they were a wanderer.

Tilde didn’t really consider Mattie’s family to be her own family, but after a bit of convincing Tilde left on her own to go see her old family. Thus, she was absent for a chunk of what transpired next.

Nobody knew where the birb was, but well, the birb couldn’t have much family, right?

As for the Lizard, the closest thing it had to a family was the Excrucian who saved it from smugglers. The Lizard was very eager to invite this friend, which made Lindsel’s jaw drop open.

The Lizard insisted on contacting the Excrucian, so when Lindsel left, the entire party decided on going along for the ride. It was determined that contacting this particular Enemy of the World could be achieved by ringing a certain magical phone number. This was how the Lizard contacted its friend all these years, which raised a few questions about lizards and cell phones.

The call wasn’t answered, but that was okay. A few minutes later, a finely dressed person in wonderful gothic getup and long pink hair showed up.

This was Licelte Rossmalt, who it was claimed slew this dead chancel and brought destruction to a group of smugglers many years ago. Pleasantries were exchanged, and Licelte was asked if they had been here before. They looked around before responding with an effusive yes.

For, you see, Licelte bore the Test of Light and Illumination that cracked open people’s flaws.

Aureus suddenly had a brilliant idea. Okay, so, a lot of people would be attending this party, right?

Lindsel had explained earlier that a lot of Nobles would want to schmaltz up to the son of The First Fallen. This Familia was already set to make waves in the Nobilis society. Thus, it was important that everyone be on their best behaviour.

Aureus was thinking that any party like this would need to have security, right? Bouncers to keep out the riff and the raff.

What if they hired the enemies of the world as bouncers? It would make their Familia look so badass, having Excrucians standing at the doors in their snazzy gothic uniforms and their dark, dark eyes. Other Nobles would be so amazed, and if anyone caused any trouble, they’d just be excruciated out of reality!

The rest of the Familia thought this was an excellent idea, and asked Licelte if they were interested.

Licelte was quite fond of the lizard child that they basically adopted, so they agreed, as long as the Familia would help them find something that could weather their test.

Aureus also asked – would there be any other Excrucians that would be interested in some honest work? Licelte said that they would ask around, dropping names like Coriander Hasp who was pretty handy with a gun.

And so security was sorted out! But our team wanted to chat to Tahom to make sure they were okay with this.

Tahom said that they weren’t that okay with it because Excrucians were bad news, but they had to admit that it was totally sick. As the conversation continued, Aureus basically “you’re not my real dad”-d poor Tahom and called them useless, so Tahom tore open a hole to the World Ash and escaped through there to sulk for a bit.

Next, the Familia needed to find a present for Lucifer – Lindsel strongly hinted at this, saying that it would be a lovely surprise and it was probably just expected of the Familia to pay tribute. Aureus strongly disagreed, saying that a macaroni drawing would please Lucifer just as well – and in all honesty, it probably would.

But before our Heroes could do anything – disaster struck! Aureus suddenly felt a tingling in the force! No, it was just the Estate of Appearances complaining loudly. Apparently, something was wrong in Tokyo!

So off the Party went to Tokyo, where they noticed something grievous. Tokyo is such a metropolitan and cosmopolitan and fashionable place… usually.

But it seemed like the entire city had rolled out of the wrong side of the bed and decided that it’d just go in its pajamas today.

This was horrifying. Absolutely horrifying. The Familia rushed to the most fashionable district, Harajuku, and saw that… nobody was fashionable! What a disaster! But they couldn’t see anything wrong.

So they slipped from Prosaic Reality to Mythic Reality, where all things had spirits… and saw a protest.

Fashion spirits, which looked like invisible people wearing wonderful clothes, were parading up and down the streets holding signs and chanting. They were surrounding a giant businessman whose head was in the clouds and who was distracted by his tablet. This must be the Spirit of Tokyo.

Also, small bits of black cloud were clustering around Luka. These were miasmas spirits of minor sorrow, who represented the disappointment that people experienced when they came to Japan and Tokyo and found out that it wasn’t actually an anime wonderland of hopes and dreams… and was actually like any other city in the world because it’s full of normal people and not anime people. They were sad, they said, because Tokyo wasn’t being fashionable and there was no disconnect between what people saw and thought about the place. They couldn’t fulfil their duty! Luka patted them and comforted them.

The Familia asked around and found out that this was a bit of a vague, not very thought out protest. The fashion spirits wanted more break times, more time with their fashion families! And they were mad at the Spirit of Tokyo because he didn’t listen to their pleas. The Noble of Fashion hadn’t come to see them in a long time – he used to, but now he was busy on some other world called Dionyl and he just wasn’t doing his job!

Aureus immediately began shooting off Persona miracles to make himself the centre of attention. He promised all the fashion spirits that he would personally take their complaints to the Spirit of Tokyo, but first they had to lift him up to the giant’s height.

So in a rush, the fashion spirits began to climb on each other much like the scene of the zombies surmounting the wall in World War Z, and Aureus was buoyed up. But the pile of fashion spirits came only to halfway the giant’s size!

The Lizard Emulated its own property of “Evolution transform” to embiggen itself, so Aureus stood on top of this mighty growing lizard and shot even higher. The fashion spirits began to buckle a bit under the weight of a Surprisingly Large Lizard.

But even this was not tall enough to speak to the Spirit of Tokyo! So Aureus miracle’d into existence the appearance of a mighty, giant Aureus in order to speak to the Spirit.

The Spirit turned and was a bit surprised to see a giant ghostly appearance standing atop a giant lizard standing atop of a horde of fashion spirits. He politely asked what was going on, to which Aureus went off on an impassioned speech about the plight of the fashion spirits. The Spirit of Tokyo was more concerned about how his economy and cultural health was doing, but after a while he accepted that how Tokyo was seen was also important. He knelt down to talk to the fashion spirits, and the fashion spirits were pleased.

Success!

The lizard-spirit-illusion pile was dismantled. After talking to a few more spirits, it was revealed that this protest was sparked by a beautiful woman with fangs and a classy smile. Curses, it must have been Vanessa Amaranthine, the Baroness of Paranormal Romance!

Aureus knew that he had a rival, now. And he knew how to deal with it.

He had to seduce the lady of Paranormal Romance.

He was the son of Satan, the ultimate bad boy. She must love the tropes of Paranormal Romance, so playing into those must make her happy!

But wait, they hadn’t gotten a suitable present for Lucifer yet!

So our heroes, still in Tokyo, went to buy a shitty anime watch from a stall. The Lizard invoked the miracle of Evolution, and the Familia watched in horror as anime watch spirits began to fight and breed amongst themselves until there was only one left – the Ultimate Shitty Anime Watch. Any quality of it being a Disappointment was removed by Luka, and then an Appearance of an expensive Rolex was placed upon it.

The anime that the watch portrayed was The Devil Is A Part Timer. Lucifer would admire the shiny watch, look past the appearance and then he would shed a tear as he remembered watching animes with his beloved son.

Truly, the perfect present.

As to what Tilde was up to…