#{also I don't really use my personal blog anymore so I'm just putting this here}

[lukolathoughts]

Dearest Gentle readers,

I have been a member of Tumblr for a while without posting a blog entry. I suppose I have been getting the lay of the land and trying to formulate my thoughts. As most of you know, I am a tarot reader on YouTube and I also share my thoughts on X. I am a Lukola through and through and no amount of bullying, intimidation, nasty comments etc. will deter me from my mission. The last few weeks my trolling comments have increased exponentially from what I can only assume are desperate Jakehole's, (apparently I am credited for making the term 'Jakehole' up, I actually have no idea if it was me or not, but I like it) trying to convince me that Nicola is with Jake and Luke is with Antonia. I will come to my thoughts on this in a moment.

I do realise that a public tarot reader, I put myself at risk to exposure and criticism from these types of people. I am fully aware of that. What I underestimate sometimes is the sheer vitriol they come with. I am an empath also and I absorb a lot of a energy, not just from the fandom, Luke and Nic and adjacents, but from my own life as well. I am a teacher and I am surrounded by a lot of people daily. I have always used my television shows as a coping mechanism to detach from reality and 'switch off'. I never thought this time last year I'd be sharing tarot readings on YouTube about a real life celebrity couple that I was barely aware of in January 2024. But here we are. Bridgerton season 3 took hold of my brain and injected some sort of magic crack into it and I haven't been the same since. Don't get me started on the press tour. I've never seen anything like it and it was honestly like a spiritual awakening.

But I digress, I have been reading for a few years and learning the tarot cards and their meanings. I have watched countless YT videos by other readers and I came into this fandom watching the OG tarot readers of the fandom. I do not see myself as any different or special, I just read the cards as they come out. I also repeatedly say 'this is for fun and entertainment purposes only, I do not personally know Luke and Nicola'. And the fact of the matter is I don't know them, none of us do. I do not follow them around all day like some weird little psychic Martha from Baby Reindeer. I merely read the energy of the cards and I observe.

Why I love teaching English so much for me, is there is never a right or wrong answer in English Literature. It is up to your interpretation and all about reading the subtext of what is really going on. Now you might call me delusional, but I have always had an uncanny knack for predicting who the murderer in a story is before the end of a novel. It's called critical thinking. This drives my husband mad because he is very black and white and for him 2+2 = 4. Simple as. For me, I'm like wait a minute, what if... My brain is like a whimsical, magical unicorn sometimes, but I always go with my gut and my intuition. I will NOT waver on my intuition because I believe it is stronger than my rational mind.

Ok, so here we go. In my opinion haters!! Nicola is not now or ever has been with Jake Dunn romantically. My readings tell me he sees her as mother figure and mentor. Jake is clearly gay and most likely in some sort of relationship with Dylan. I think the Jakehole ship is a dead, rotting corpse. Nicola and Jake have reached the end of their agreement where she provides him with networking opportunities in exchange for some possible PR diversion to take the heat off Nicola's real relationship. William Tell is out. Luke is home from Rome, there is no need for Jake anymore. I also get the feeling from my readings that Jake is tired. Nicola is tired and Dylan is doing his best to set the narrative straight. I do not need tarot cards for this, it's blindingly obvious. As far as I know, Jake has no straight male friends. It is extremely rare in UK culture for straight men to hang out with all gay men and feel secure about that. It's just the way things are. I am not saying Jake and Nic are not friends, of course they are and I won't begrudge them that. I think he has a lot of genuine affection for her, but he also sees her as someone who can get him places and opportunities which we have seen time and time again.

And now we come to Antonia. I know she is only 23/4 and young and whatever. I have taught students older than her. But I will be truthful and say I don't like her energy. I don't like reading on her. I don't trust her little dancing self. I did have some sympathy for her in October as I had big crushes on boys when I was young, I get it. Luke is hot. But that pasta video she shared in Rome (a video she could have got from anywhere and shared an hour after she had seen Luke had been there) by her was mean, malicious and intentional to hurt the fandom. Her flouncing around with a shitty red bag always implying she's in Luke's vicinity is also callous and calculating and she's shared so much pasta stories now, it almost puts me off eating it. Almost, I love pasta. The biggest takeaway for me is she was not with Luke this Christmas and NYE. It is well documented where she was. We do not not know where Luke was, but we do know Nic was spotted with a lovely tan at the WT premiere. Could Antonia be PR? I sigh, because I think it's more complicated than that. In my readings, I do pick up a delusional obsession from her in regards to Luke. But she is convenient to bring up when they need her. I know the haters will call me delusional for thinking this and as my husband would say if 2 + 2 = 4 then it's 4.

But is it 4? Is it so straightforward as that? My intuition is telling me no, it's not. We have had no sign of Luke being anywhere near Antonia since July in Sorrento when he jumped on a plane and left two days early alone. All Antonia has are literally pasta videos and photos, that I am convinced, enraged Luke. She is giving me serious Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction vibes.

Let's address the elephant in the room. The comment by 'Luke's mum' on her private FB account to a relative. I think it's bullshit. I have three boys and I'm telling you now I would walk through fire if anyone touched a hair on their heads. I will go to prison for my kids. If I was Luke's mum and some 23 year old dancer had systematically tried to ruin my son's career, and she did folks, I would not be writing on a public page outing her as my son's girlfriend. It is all too suspicious and convenient. I could speculate for hours on what has happened, but you guys have group chats and your own brains for that. As one ship falls, another one rises in an unexplained manner.

In conclusion, yes I do believe Nic and Luke are together and this is a very important time for them right now. The silence is LOUD for me. I keep getting the four of swords for Nic. She is resting and taking care of herself in the way that she should. Luke is in a besotted Emperor mode. All is good. Until Nic and Luke specify otherwise, that is what I am sticking with.

[yandere-sins]

Hi there long time lurker here for you blog and all your works! I'm not kidding its been a long time and I love your writings. May I request a Jiaoqiu x vidyadhara reader who is a sassy noble person with a sweet and kind heart but she somehow got severely injured?

Thanks for requesting, I'm so glad that you enjoy my blog enough to ascend from the lurking stage! :D Hope to hear more from you in the future!!

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

♡ It's unlikely that Jiaoqiu is the first person to hear about your injury; however, he's the first one you see by your side once you open your eyes again. He sits there, stern-faced, ears twitching. His hand is holding yours almost a bit too tight, with some of his fingers resting on top of your pulse as if he's afraid you'll slip from his grasp. But you don't get the time to ask him why he looks so sullen because he jumps up and calls out to you the second he notices you waking up. Although he hovers over you when it becomes clear that you have regained your conscience, there is a certain distance between you two, and you can't really understand why. Even if you ask if something is the matter, he won't tell you, brushing you off and leaving if you insist on speaking about it. Not for long, just to cool off. After all, he still has to make sure you're fed and taken care of. Jiaoqiu won't allow anyone else to make your food, and he has to be in the room to review any medicine you receive.

♡ The reason why it feels that he's distant is because he is so angry. Angry at you, angry at the circumstances that put you in danger, and the most angry at anyone who hurt or allowed you to get hurt. Jiaoqiu is trying to keep his feelings in check in front of you, but he always knew things would play out like this. Countless times, he told you how reckless you were. That, no matter how good your heart was, you never thought twice before putting your life on the line. You find him flexing his fingers at the murderous thoughts in his mind or have him touch you just a tad too harshly when the feelings interfere with your treatment. He wants to throw all these accusations and emotions at you but refrains. You are a patient, and your recovery is more important to him than anything else.

♡ Especially when your recovery forms you into an adorable little mess for him to figure out. Vidyadhara are tricky organisms, and Jiaoqiu does everything he has to learn from Bailu how to treat you properly and then use the knowledge to the best of his abilities. He spends almost more time on research than actually treating you, but he won't allow a single mistake. Nobody is allowed to treat you except him, so you are also counting on him, only adding more pressure. It's all worth it, though, when he can observe you slowly regain your strength and liveliness, the bruises turning back into your skin color and your wounds closing up. No matter how much sleep he loses over it, he wouldn't miss the nights he spends with you for anything; protecting your sleep, slipping into your bed and cuddling with you when the nightmares act up, and getting to be with you when you wake up in the morning, feeling a little better every day.

♡ For a while, your conditions are a blessing as he gets to take care of you properly. Even just the mundane things, like brushing your hair or helping you wash up and dress yourself, thrill Jiaoqiu. It's almost a little sad that it has to end. He wants you to be healthy again, he really does! But won't you get yourself in trouble again once you don't need to be on bed rest? Won't you fight again, argue again? Are you going to keep coming back more beat-up than the last time for him to fix? Of course, someone as observant as he is notices your growing restlessness and desire to be up and of help. But this is not just about your self-preservation anymore, it is also about him. What will Jiaoqiu do if, one day, you just don't return at all?

♡ He can push these thoughts aside for a while since it takes time for you to be up and running again. But you begin slipping out of his grasp too quickly for his liking. And when you refuse to even be fed any more, telling him you are ready to go back to "normal" food, Jiaoqiu has to make a decision. "One last meal together," he tells you. One more, and he won't complain about you taking control of your own life again. He insists you take another spoon and another—enough so that the sleeping pill can really take effect.

♡ A patient who's still barely able to wake up can't be released from his care, right? You'll probably not feel so great the next few days, and he can't have you collapse in the street. Jiaoqiu has to at least find out the cause! He tells himself it's only for a few more days. Just one more week. He is merely prolonging the bedrest until you are fully healed—many would beg for a chance to get some good rest, and surely you will appreciate it, too. It's all in your best interest, but he certainly doesn't mind spending some extra cuddle time with you, doting on his favorite person.

♡ And while you are asleep, and he knows you are in a stable condition, he can finally take care of the actual problems that caused you so much harm. Because he still can't and refuses to forgive anyone who put their marks on you and made you suffer. They don't deserve his mercy, and he has feelings that he still needs to flush out of his system so he can give you the love and affection you deserve. Jiaoqiu will make things right, so they won't come to bite you in the butt once you are keeping yourself busy again. Even if it'll take a while longer for you to be back on your feet—that gives him enough time to prolong these wretched people's torture as long as they deserve.

[demonslayerunhinged]

cw: I'm going to be very blunt in this overly long post. Some things might rub you the wrong way if not offend you, so if that happens, you know the procedure: unfollow → block → move on.

A few weeks ago…

Three of my posts about Genya, Shizu and Sanemi caught the attention of and were the subject of discussion among a couple of weirdos. After I discovered all the crap they were spewing on their circle jerk of a server, I then went on a rage-fueled posting spree with screenshots and lots of insults towards them especially towards princeblue and pomchihuahua. I made the posts private but if you're curious here's the link.

You're probably thinking: Omg bitch, you're still on this? 🙄

Yes, yes I am. It's so fucking easy to move on from an incident when you're not the one being attacked or are the one doing the attacking. It's just like that saying the tree remembers what the axe forgets or something and it's my blog, fuck you.

Anyway, it really pissed me off that they were taking my post so seriously, despite me putting multiple disclaimers that these were theories. Proof:

And even if I didn't add disclaimers, can no one make theories anymore? Can no one make jokes or shit posts? I mean, I know we're living in a dystopian world, but the last place I want to be reminded about it is on my tiny, obscure fucking Tumblr blog. You don't have to (and honestly shouldn't) agree with everything I post! In fact, I would love to have a different pov and a respectful, engaging discussion. And even if you think Ugh this shit is so ass, just scroll past and forget about me! Unfollow me! Block me! I have made two posts literally begging people to do this because I didn't want to get involved in this kind of shit.

Talking shit about me in a place where I don't have the opportunity to defend myself, deliberately misunderstanding my posts and making assumptions of my beliefs based on said post is one thing. But minimizing the shittiness of your actions when called out, painting me as the crazy person for my justified anger at your shitty actions, and using your minor members as a shield to deflect scrutiny. That's just horrible, if not downright insidious. especially from someone who describes herself as a 'nice' person.

The so-called apology I got from pomchihuahua was so insincere, and it was just a way to brush past their actions so they could make the link to their shitty server public again. I never got an apology from princeblue; all I got were a series of pretentious and condescending messages and a manipulative post where she made me look like I was the crazy one, infiltrating her server and harassing her members who are minors. She also minimized and sanitized her actions by explaining that it was just a private discussion among friends that got a bit heated with a few dickish words thrown here and there, despite the fact that:

1.) It's a public server, so anyone who joins and lurks in that channel would think I'm some asshole that advocates for child abuse and slanders single mothers.

2.) It wasn't just a 'heated' discussion with just a few dicky things being said, not only did they completely misunderstand my post — so much so that it was like they were talking about another post by someone else — but they talked about my blog like it was (and I hate this word) slop. She said stated that she couldn't stand me and that she was seething with hate (the screenshots are in the linked private post) like I killed her dog or something.

3.) She kept stressing that I didn't censor the usernames of the shit talkers who happen to be minors despite her asking me to, all in an attempt to make me look like some kind of minor-harasser. The minors in question didn't censor my username or those of the people who commented on my posts that they bashed. So why should I?

Side tangent but, I've noticed that lately the internet has some kind of obsession with the protection of minors and put them on some pedestal like they're unassuming babies who aren't capable of real harm or aware of their actions. Thus, they should be shielded from the consequences of said actions and shouldn't be called out for them.

I don't subscribe to such beliefs. Not only is it stupid, it's dangerous. This belief is the basis of laws that allow minors to get away with heinous crimes in some communities and even countries. Why should they get to live on, blissfully unaffected, while their victims suffer? Why shouldn't we be allowed to call them out on their shitty behavior? If they're old enough to throw shit at a stranger on the internet, they're old enough to have that shit thrown right back at them. If that makes me a heartless asshole, so be it.

Anyway, I was angry (as you can tell by my online crashout) because as someone who takes a lot of time agonizing over every single post and making sure my words are clear and that I provide the right resources — all these accusations and comments hurt. The situation sucked the joy out of me, ruined my whole week, and made me feel so shitty that I wanted to stop posting all together.

Because, what's the point? Why post anything if all I'm going to do is spend my time and energy not just worrying about the content, but also about being shredded by assholes who won't even attempt to understand my words?

I have this weird belief that my blog will only be seen by those who like it or if not want to understand what I'm saying and would give me the opportunity to explain myself. I know it's stupid, but that's just how I wish my blog was. This whole situation just burst the bubble of that belief and now makes me so paranoid about everything. Even now that I want to continue posting again, I'm still hesitatant. Every time I see some untitled/unnamed blog follow me, I think that it's either one of princeblue's followers hate stalking me for more posts they can rip apart on their stupid server.

One thing pomchihuahua said in her defense that really irritated me was that Shizu reminded her of a family member and that's why she attacked my posts and why she made the counter post defending Shizu.

Yes offense, but that is insane. Like the you-seriously-need-professional-help kind of insane.

Don't believe me? Let's recontextualize her explanation:

Say Shizu is a mass-produced doll that being marketed as a single mother with the blurb on the back of the box. A girl, let's call her Suzy, has one of these dolls. It's her favorite doll, and she believes the story on the box is the one true story for this doll because Shizu looks like her mom and the story mirrors her mom's life.

When she goes out with her friends who all have the same Shizu doll and agree with her about the story for it, she sees another girl let's call her Kacy, playing with the Shizu doll, but it's different; the girl put on different clothes on the doll and Suzy could overhear the girl telling her friends that this Shizu doll is a businesswoman who's travelled to space or something.

Suzy gets enraged, she starts shouting to her friends — loud enough for Kacy to hear. She calls Kacy names, talks about how Kacy doesn't understand Shizu, that Shizu can only be in the clothes she came in, and that the only story that matters is what's written on the back of the box. Kacy is a bad person for dressing Shizu in different clothes and giving her a different story.

When asked why she acted this way, Suzy explains that Shizu reminds her of her mom, so anyone dressing the doll up differently or giving it a different story makes her defensive, angry and causes her to lash out.

Now tell me, does Suzy seem like a well-adjusted individual to you? Doesn't it seem like she needs to talk to a therapist? Like my guy, are you good?! Are you running a fever?! Do you need a Kit Kat?!

I don't give a fuck if a character reminds you of someone or if you're emotionally attached to them. That DOES NOT give you the right to attack or talk shit about people because of some 2d drawings. And if you think this is perfectly acceptable behavior, then you need to take a long, hard look in a mirror for some self-reflection and to remove the brick that's lodged in the back of your head because you obviously have some sort of brain damage.

Who are you to tell others what they should and shouldn't like? Who are you to tell others how they should and shouldn't interprete these characters? Who are you to think that your analysis/interpretion is the only correct one? Who are you to attack people just because they happen to have opinions that differ from yours? Who are you to control people's behavior to fit your own narrow, close minded and boring point of view? Just who THE FUCK do you think you are?

This is the kind of shit that makes fandoms so inhospitable and draining. When a couple of dry, basic, joyless, overly serious, overly sensitive, fun-sucking, Sarah j mass/Colleen Hoover/steel-wrapped-in-velvet-reading, no-life-or-rose-toy-having, Club Chalamet-looking, terminally online losers who get high on the smell of their own farts decide that they're the only ones who understand a character or a piece of fiction and treat any other interpretation or analysis like it's a personal attack. Then to make themselves feel better, make counter virtue signalling posts that do nothing but allow them to express their smug, self-affirming, self-righteous moral superiority.

I'm tired y'all, the world seems so shitty right now. Every day it' seems like the world it's like we're sliding back into the dark ages. I wanted this blog to be a safe space where I can just yap about stuff I like and stuff, and connect with people who share similar interests. Not a place to get policed, dragged and scrutinized over every fucking sentence or action when there's already enough of that in real life. I'm done with over-explaining and disclaimers, I refuse to tie myself into knots to accomodate the stupidity of imbeciles who're too lazy to read.

If you bite me, I bite back. As you can tell from my other posts i'm not above insulting and name-calling. Don't expect civility from me when you didn't offer one in the first place.

Like can a bitch breathe? Christ.

*Side note: I know I made this post which is similar to what I'm complaining about, but I just used the screenshot as to rant about the misunderstood complaints in the fandom. I mentioned the bullshit excuses she made when she was called out. But that was it. I didn't attack the OP personally, shit talk about her other posts or make assumptions of her beliefs. I didn't even mention her name at all in her post. So it doesn't count ha!

[leyyvi]

My dear, you’re the best fanfic writer and I’ve been chasing the same high I felt when reading PWASOI ever since I finished it. I need to know which fics do you recommend from any fandom, I trust your judgement your writing is just immaculate.

okay thank youuu

-Amanda from FL

ALRIGHT HERE'S MY RECS!! Please keep in mind some of the warnings on the fics! Also a lot of these are unfinished/haven't been updated in a while, sorry lol. i also don't read fics very often anymore so most of these are from YEARS ago fdgjkhdfjkg. also also i tried recommending ones that i haven't talked about much before (TIASOS is the exception bc i think every levi and erwin lover needs to read it)

Levi x Reader:

this is a story of the sea by shinzouing

if you're looking to be in an emotional three-way relationship with eruri THIS IS THE FUCKING FIC FOR YOU!!! follows canonverse mostly, but they also have an alternate version where erwin lives through RTS arc AND they have a bunch of sexy side chapters within the same universe. god the tension between all 3 of them is just so delicious, especially with reader and levi. i've cried, i've laughed, i've ca-anyways. please read all their erurixreader stuff i'm begging you

sabbatical by doinmybesthere

one-shot fic. so good. i LOVE the way levi is portrayed here. ugh idk the setting of this fic makes me think of being in Forks from twilight...theres a certain vibe that i can't really pinpoint but i love it so much (i think this was by emme who used to be on tumblr :((( i miss them)

first times anthology by levmada(ao3) aka pookie aka @rivangel

ok not to be annoying but i absolutely would put everything kane has written about levi on this list. i am so serious. just go through his blog, you'll be eating so good especially if you're looking for gn/trans reader content.

anyways ABOUT THIS FIC SPECIFICALLY i love the way levi talks in this... it feels so... LEVI. god. Kane's way with Levi's dialogue makes me insane in the best way for real

Rapture for the Sinners by IXWrites

i think you need an account to read this

i haven't caught up with the last updated chapter but it's one of the first LevixReader fics I ever read and I love the characterization in it

The Silent Sounds of Shackled Hearts by silesy

I haven't caught up with this one either but I read the first few chapters as they were being released and I remember liking Levi's characterization and the premise of the story, I thought it was interesting and I'm a sucker for fantasy settings

Death's Door by SongsOfApollo

if you like REALLY slow burns this is so good. as a warning/disclaimer it's not finished and iirc they stopped in a point where you might feel like you're blue-balled fdgkdfjkgh

however they go into so much character/world/relationship building that i can't not rec it. this fic is so ridiculously detailed (in a good way) and immersive. if you wanna feel like you're in canonverse i would definitely read this

A Ballad of Broken Wings by Silesy

Modern au detective reader x levi!!!! i love this one!! i need to re-read it now that it's finished

note that reader does have a name idk if that's your thing or not (personally i didn't feel like it affected my reading experience)

OK onto the non-Levi content

Admist a Clash of Worlds by cloudsarefluffy

Arthur Morgan x reader

GOD PLEASE READ THIS EVEN IF IT'S NOT FINISHED. also there's pretty art. also it's probably my fave non-Levi fic ever.

600K WORDS IS BEAUTIFUL TO ME but seriously.... I love their relationship SO MUCH sdgvfdgvfdsgjkdfh this is one of the fics that inspired me to write

Set the Fire in Your Eyes by cloudsarefluffy

one-shot with A/B/O dynamics and man it's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexy that's all i will say. 11k words of delicious word porn (honestly I'd rec anything by this author w/ ArthurxReader)

Deviant Behavior by Precursor

Connor x Reader (Detroit Become Human)

ugh please read this, it's on the same level as Admist a Clash of Worlds for me, another fic that literally shaped me as a writer i am SO serious

i dont think you need to have played DBH either because they include a lot of the plot/storyline in it. i need to finish reading this one

niche fics that idk if you'll like but I wanna put them on this list bc i liked them a lot FKGJHDFJGKH

Gunsmoke in Mirrors by cyancherub

read the warnings!!!

psycho-pass fanfic, Kogami Shinya x reader. heed the warnings on it but my god the TENSION in this fic and the twists... i was absolutely feral when i first read this fic and it threw me so deep into Kogami brainrot

an act of kindness by Khismer

read the warnings!!!!!

i'm not sure if you'll understand this fic without knowing about mystic messenger tbh gsfhdjkdfh but Saeran was my blorbo before Levi...he's a little messed up in the head but if you don't mind being kidnapped in a fic....

OK I THINK THAT'S EVERYTHING??? at least what remained of my bookmarks... there's a ton more i could talk about but i'm trying to include stuff that i don't often see recommended so

[askthefamous8]

Even if I haven't been very active lately, 9 years is still pretty significant- happy birthday to the blog!

So like Percy up there I'm gonna do so dome reflecting. This blog's where I've often done that for some reason, but here's the tl'dr for blog related stuff.

• I would like to keep drawing stuff but feeling generally unsure in myself, and I'm wondering if all the years of fandom harrassment have caught up with me • I have one big project in mind, I've been dipping my toe into what I'd need to do it. No spoilers but it was one of the first things I played around with this series, so do with that what you will • If I can keep myself drawing, I want to use more of the original source material since I'm struggling with original ideas. So stuff like redraws, hOpEfULlY even animatics, just like what originally got me so into trains yknow? Because that's fun and sparks joy. And that always goes down a treat with you guys so bonus • As always I appreciate you guys not coming after me for being so inconsistent

The rest of this is me doing what Percy's doing in the drawing and reflecting, as there is indeed much 2 think about. It's also a little sad and venty so, there's your warning there.

.

Ok so obviously a busy year, we moved into our new house that we actually own, I spent most of the year planning our wedding, and then got married. Big stuff. Also! I came off antidepressants in the summer. I've been on them for...basically as long as this blog, 6 months after I started it I think. Which also means I'd been on antidepressants my entire adult life. Feels like a big deal and I guess I'm still adjusting.

Another big thing, but sad, is that my dog died about two weeks ago. If you follow me on twitter you'll have seen her but she did make an appearance here a few Halloweens ago

I got her when she was 13 and had her 8 years after that. So that's been difficult. Unrelated to that (probably), but I just feel...really mediocre. And before you point out the obvious, this has been present even before I came off antidepressants. But yeah just... mediocrity. In myself as a person, how I look, what I draw, my whole life really (barring my marriage thankfully). What have I achieved? I'm 26, I'm not working, I don't feel well, my art isn't good (I don't think so anyway- like yeah it's technically fine I guess but it's not, and has never been, very stand-out or impressive). And lately art doesn't bring me the same joy it once did, and I'm wondering if all the years of harrassment from this fandom (mostly the twitter side, tumblr's been pretty good to me) has finally caught up with me and put me off the whole thing. Or worse, that I just don't have as much of an interest in it anymore. I don't think I'll ever be like "ok yep I'm officially done with this blog" because I'm so stubborn but idk. I want to make things and be creative, I want to make more train art, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know what's wrong. What do you listen to? What you want vs what you feel? I still enjoy train stuff, I love going to Awdry Ex every year. It's been like this for awhile. It's not even like I have a strong feeling of what I'd rather be doing as far as careers go. And even if I did, oh yeah I'm sure my two degrees in animation will be very relevant in another field (sarcasm). I feel adrift. My sails are open but there is just no wind. Planning my wedding gave me something to do and work on and just, feel useful but now that that's over I feel lost again. Losing my dog, who had become the center of my life because of how vulnerable she had become, hasn't helped.

On the more creative side of things, I also don't really know what to do with this blog's story either. The show's ended as far as most people are concerned, and I kiiinda wrote myself into a corner because once Thomas turns 18 he's going to leave for university, and that sets off this whole arc with James but basically the problem is it involves characters leaving and for some reason that feels like a no-no here. Don't get me started on the timeline lol. But Thomas works on a railway on Sodor, that's how it has to be...right? I guess I'm sort of at a crossroads of, ok do I want this to be close to the source material, and thus easily digestible to newcombers? Or do I want to make it more and more my thing and distanced from the source material? I doubt there's many new people coming since the series ended. And even then, there's a lot more humanization artists around now than when I started, so it's not like I'm filling a niche anymore. Just to be clear it's fine and also good that there's more humanization artists, variety is good, I just don't feel as "needed" anymore (which is 100% in my head and not an actual role that belongs to me or something). I started this blog when I was 17, so my interests and what I relate to have changed obviously. The character designs certainly have. It's never followed a super rigid story plan, but the core of it has always been the central cast doing things on Sodor. I however have always had a scene/project/animatic/whatEver in mind for when this 'series' would '''officially''' ''''end''''. But then what comes after that? I've always tried to run this blog like they are Real People that You interact with. But in real life there is no ending to the story, there's always more stuff to come. You get married, and it's wonderful, and then life goes on. The credits never roll. So maybe that's what I'm having trouble coping with...the progression of time. Ah, my old nemesis. I've always had trouble with letting go of things. There's nothing to say that I couldn't still draw stuff after the series "ends". I guess any story after Thomas leaves could be like... a sequel series or a spin off or something. Spin-off of a spin-off. Famous 8 All Grown Up. Famous 8 Qurter Life Crisis. Who knows. I certainly don't.

I've also been really into an original project unrelated to this but those don't get as much attention and while I'd like to do something with it one day, I don't feel very confident in being able to make that happen right now. But you know... as far my as art not being super spectacular goes... I think my individual talent has always been is my ideas, like the writing side of things. And then brought to life with my art, which normally isn't anything to write home about but is good enough to convey the idea and be not-awful to look at, lifts both of them beyond what they were individually. Maybe that's what I should focus on. Maybe that's wishful thinking.

So....idk. Idk what I'm doing but I'm trying to be gentle on myself and just let myself continue to drift, to heal from this heavy loss, and then in the New Year I'll try and pick myself up. Then there will be no more big once-in-a-lifetime events coming up, no more just-moved-into-a-house-and-oh-no-there's-a-bunch-of-things-that-need-attention-NOW scenarios, and no more big holidays for awhile. I guess we'll see.

If you read all of this I am so sorry but also thank you for reading my ramblings. And thank you for being around, whether that's been for a few months or for several years, but especially if it's been several years

[twilightprince101]

Let's be careful before labeling Wally or Home as "The Villain" of Welcome Home

Or anyone for that matter imo

Listen, I can completely understand why people would go to that conclusion. "So Below" and the eerie vibe that Wally gives off in his obsession don't exactly give either a flattering light (I know there are also the art pieces on Clown's personal blog, but I'm not counting anything that hasn't been officially released yet)

But whenever someone labels a character who is acting weird as "the villain," it puts a bad taste in my mouth. At the end of the day, characters in fiction are real people with motivations, so labeling one as "evil" or "the villain" can sometimes erase that complexity. And after the most recent update, we know that Wally has A Lot of very, very complicated feelings about the situation.

Before I get into that though, I wanna point out something that Clown himself has said describes the brand of horror that "Welcome Home" gives off to themselves personally. Click here for the link to the post.

Before I get into that though, I wanna point out something that Clown himself has said describes the brand of horror that "Welcome Home" gives off to themselves personally. Click here for the link to the post.

"My home doesn't feel like home anymore."

That line sticks to me pretty hard. There's a pervasive feeling of unfamiliarity, unreality, that exists in the core of the story itself.

I think we see, firsthand, Wally experiencing this in the latest updates. In all of the hidden Bug/Answer secret videos, we see a familiar pattern. We get some sort of scene of two other characters talking, a scene in whatever universe they call home, until at the very end one of the characters addresses Wally (who was apparently there the whole time) and the video glitches out.

A key part that not a lot of people seem to realize though is that these videos are from Wally's perspective. See the above picture with Wally's hands. In every scene, Wally is present and was supposedly taking part in an activity (in the above one, helping Poppy with knitting), before the video started playing.

Whenever I saw these videos I had that same feeling that something felt. Different. The interactions felt like scenes you would see in the animated/cartoony aesthetic we'd see from the various art pieces, it doesn't feel like it's "on set/TV" to me. They're moreso just intimate glimpses into their lives. But they're shot in the real world, and that feels. Wrong.

This is very likely the same feeling that Wally's having in that moment. "My home doesn't FEEL like home." It's like he's disassociating, having a brief episode of that unreality feeling. Those bouts of strangeness don't go away until, like clockwork, someone says his name and the video ends, snapping him out of it.

Do other people in the neighborhood also feel the same way? Maybe, but we don't know. What we do know is that Wally, whether or not he tries to explain this to others, feels isolated by this sensation. "My neighbors are only neighborly until they know I'm different in a way they can see."

The only other person he likely shares this feeling with? I'd take a guess that it's Home. Nearly every time Home has been featured, Wally has been there, close. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the only physical puppets/props we’ve seen of the cast are Wally and Home.

According to this post by @eldritchravens, Home is the only other person who talks directly to Us, the viewers. That's probably why they're so close, because they're the only ones who can truly confide in each other about this.

"So does that mean Home is manipulating Wally?"

Again, I really don't think that's the case. I don't wanna call people villains quite yet. Besides, we see (or well, hear) Home and Barnaby have a conversation together, and from how Barnaby reacts it's fairly casual.

This shared feeling is likely why Wally is so obsessed with us, including the Restoration Employee. They seem to be sharing a similar sensation to Wally's bouts of unreality, in the fact that it seems they're the ONLY one who doesn't remember Welcome Home being a thing. They seem to be one of the few things that Wally (and maybe even Home) consider to be "Real." Hence their obsession with "seeing" us.

"Isn't this Wally or Home manipulating the Employee though?"

Maybe, I don't know. We don't really know much of what's going on right now, we're only getting glimpses. For all we know this could be a side-effect of Wally/Home trying to reach out. For the time being though, I want to keep my own expectations in check. I'm choosing not to label Wally, Home, The Restoration Team or anyone as a "villain" until something definitive comes up.

It is very, very likely that Wally is going to be doing something more dangerous later down the line (or maybe even is doing so now). But if he's doing anything, I get the feeling it's more out of desperation. He wants something to quell this feeling inside of him, this pervasive sense of unreality, and to connect with something he feels is "real." And, for better or for worse, that thing is us.

This whole thing isn't to bash on people for speculation or theorycrafting, I personally think speculation is very healthy! But it's still important to remember what the core of this story is going to be. We're only seeing the very start of the story right now, and we don't know what'll happen down the line. It's useful to keep that core idea at the center of our speculation so we can have reasonable expectations going forward.

As for me? This doesn't feel like a story with villains. I don't think he'll pull a Monika from DDLC and start gaining a kill count, but if something does happen to the rest of the cast, my money is that it'll happen completely by accident, and he'll regret it. Hard.

[furiousflowerdestiny]

Hey, why are you so filled with hate and annoyance at everything? Genuine question

I decided to take a look at your blog, thinking maybe this is a one time thing but no, you're whole blog is filled with complaints.

Is it a rage bait thing? Or something. I hope so cause it can not be healthy to be angry at everything all the time.

Fandom is supposed to be a fun thing but you don't seem to be enjoying it here. Do you need to talk or rant about something? Let off some steam?

I'm not trying to sound like rude or anything I'm like genuinely worried but of course you can just ignore me. I'm still a little hyped up on my emotions rn sorry

will you genuinely accept the answer i give you or will you dig your heels in and refuse to see that batfam fans are actively making it impossible for fans of other dc characters to enjoy their time here and make friends?

i came into the dc fandom admittedly from non-comic sources, panda redd on tiktok! it was a lot of fun and i also do still enjoy his videos from time to time. i also read wayne family adventures and those were fun too but then i decided to read the actual comics and i started noticing something

panda redd was a liar and wayne family adventures gutted the entire batfam into something that was totally unrecognizable. i also started to notice how batfam fandom just behaves in general and it really left a bad taste in my mouth because i found i really liked other characters!

like the fandom likes to portray the batfam as more intelligent than everyone else in dc, that they have total power of everyone, batman is a fascist that hates metas and somehow can kick people out of gotham, they all can destroy all other characters easily, they all have 'backup plans' and everyone else in dc is just a support character with no personality other than to make the bats look better somehow

green lanterns for some reason in particular compared to the bats are just people there to be annoying and to get punched. supers are only relevant if they are a love interest, and they are so stupid they can't solve mysteries when clark is an investigative reporter and kon is a genius. amazons can't do anything at all and need a bat to teach them how to 'behave like humans' when diana is a diplomat. speedsters are just hyper adhd poster children who also are too stupid to solve anything on their own and can't tell the difference between robins when every single one of them is very very smart, like barry who is a scientist

and it is everywhere

you cannot escape it

it's not a 'don't like don't read' sort of thing because it is unavoidable

imagine seeing your favorite character's tag constantly filled with posts that say they suck, and if you say 'hey wait!' you're suddenly called a 'mean gatekeeper who hates fun!'

you cannot talk reason to people perpetuating this because 'it's just a JOKE' but some people actually legitimately believe these things

i had someone tell me to my face that wonder woman cannot handle a serial killer and batman needs to help her and it was not a joke they genuinely believed this. they believed wonder woman could not handle a regular serial killer with no powers

i have had people tell me that jason todd can just shoot bart allen at his top speed and beat him

it's not just a joke anymore when people are using these tropes and ideas to put down other characters to make bats look better

why do you need to do this? are the bats not cool enough on their own? you don't need to perpetuate this fandom trend to enjoy bats. you don't need to dumb-down characters and you don't need to make batman a fascist unironically as a 'joke'

im not filled with hate and annoyance at everything, just 'fans' making the fandom space hostile to every other family than the bats

sure if you love bats none of this is a problem bc they aren't getting mocked all the time and everyone loves it

how can i possibly argue against this when so many people find nothing wrong with it because the batfam fandom is so huge it makes all other fans so small comparatively?

it is like fighting people using ai and i am so tired of defending the truth, it's not that great

[mochinomnoms]

(Barrel rolls in here)

I've sent this to another blog in an attempt to convert them to Hozier loving as you & I do, but I wanna share this concept with you. If you need someone to rant about Hozier songs with different TWST guys, I'm your bitch. Love me my Irish bog fae music.

(ALSO, same brain with that one anon for thinking that In A Week is Rook & Jade-coded, I KNOW IN MY HEART OF HEARTS THAT ROOK WOULD BE A HOZIER GIRLY—)

From Eden gives me such Jamil vibes, and not even just with the snake imagery— the idea of being infatuated with someone who has the innocence & freedom you no longer have, the conflicting desires to corrupt them yet also preserve that innocence is just a MAGNIFICENT parallel to Jamil's place in life.

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword

Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know

I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

— 🐈‍⬛

Hiiii! A new anon perhaps?? hihihihi 🐈‍⬛ anon, I love Hozier so much I love the way be used folk with southern blues and black gospel elements in his songs, and I really like when he blends elements, like in Work Song he uses the idea of waulking songs with the rhythm of black working songs and it blends so beautifully! I just love his music very much and the thought he puts behind it and the genre he's in.

In a Week is def Rook and Jade coded, but for the multi oneshots I felt that Jade also fit It Will Come Back a lot as well, so I put him there.

From Eden I think does fit Jamil well, as well as a few others in the cast with the whole devil corrupting a someone sweet theme. One big thing with Hozier is that a lot of his songs are bittersweet or have some dark themes that you don't immediately pick up on at first listen, so a lot of songs I would initially assign to some of them I wouldn't anymore.

Cherry Wine is a good example of that I think, where Hozier is singing about an abusive relationship, though at first or a surface listen you wouldn't immediately register that. I would know cause I assigned it to Leona originally and then stopped upon a relisten lol

Since we're talking about Jamil though, I think Anything But is a really good song for him, as it's about someone who, though they love their partner deeply and sweetly, they want to push them away for reasons we the listener don't know.

He's happy to let the world burn for all it's put him through:

I'd lower the world in a flood or, better yet, I'd cause a drought

But that lyric immediately follows up with the desire to keep the person he loves safe against his anger:

If I was a riptide, I wouldn't take you out

Why Would You Be Loved? I think also fits him, as Jamil in his eternal servitude is questioning why should he love and be loved by you when all he will be is a servant, which I think these lyrics reflect well:

They look for somethin' to be done for those that are most in pain What about me and my achin'? The scales rehung, the breakin' of yoke and chain What about me and my breakin'? And if you ain't for all, how could you try at all, baby?

And last, I really like Dinner & Diatribes for him as well, as a sort of finality to my little list here (lol) where he just has to admit that he is addicted to you, drawn to you, and thinks about how you two will spend your night next:

A pillar I am, upright Scarcely can speak for my thinkin' What you'd do to me tonight

Ugh, Hozier is just great and I can think of so many songs I can apply to the others, some I've listed here and in my oneshot apply to more within the cast too.

[castielsprostate]

mr prostate, may i ask you to explain to me how tumblr interaction works? (the thing is that i actually spent less than two years here -registered a long time ago, when i didn’t know english at all, and now i’ve returned, but i still don’t fully understand how the system works)

when reposting with addition, when is it better to use text and when is it better to use hashtags? i understand that tags aren't continuing so someone can repost "clean" post after my repost, but you can also repost it clean if you go right to op blog... what, um... ethical/aestetical significance do tags have? why everyone are using it? does it, like, simulate mumbling or thoughts that should not be voiced?.. also i find it a little uncomfy when someone puts "prev" in tags and you should dig in to find this prev, and then older prev, and again and again...

also i understand that if i don't want my quote to be reglogged and only want to interact with autor/comments, i should write a comment, right?

and what the "queue" means in tags? sorry i'm so stupid please initiate me into the tumblr communication mystery

please don't apologise!!! tumblr is a very unique type of social media and it has a bit of a learning curve!!

in the earlier days it was actually the norm to add a comment to the reblog instead of the tags, and tags were solely for organisation (like a tracking tag, or a character tag, etc.) but when tumblr changed the layout, i think around 20...14? where it didn't look like a conversation anymore, with millions of lines, is when tags slowly got more popular to talk in than a reblog comment. people also started to get kind of annoyed with reblog additions like "never not reblogging this" and opted to just. use the tags instead.

the only real difference is the way it looks, and if you want to search for a specific tag you might get a lot of clutter, but there isn't really any difference aside from 'aesthetics'. so just do what you want to do! this is your internet space and you can do with it whatever you want!! people can also easily reblog something without an addition by indeed going to op's blog, or just clicking "hide reblogs" when reblogging.

prev means previous tags and they're quite easy to track down, unfortunately there isn't much you can do to stop people from saying prev if they agree with your tags djdjd. to find prev tags easier, you just click on the 3 dots and then "view previous reblog"

comments/notes are indeed the most effective way to only communicate towards the op (or also the person that reblogged it if commenting on their reblog), but other people can still reply to your notes. though, you can also just reblog it and add your comment that way and ignore others interacting with your addition.

when there's a tag referencing a queue (queue and i, in queue we trust, what about queue is real, etc.) it just means that the post was stored for later and posted when the reblogger was asleep or at work for instance. sometimes it's something queued manually (like a birthday thing, specifically set to post on their birthday) or just in order of when it was queued (though it can be shuffled ((queued posts for specific days don't get shuffled))).

just remember that tumblr is for everyone, and there's no right or wrong way to use it (mostly). it's your little corner of the internet, and you get to reblog whatever you find cool, and if you like to express it in comments rather than tags then so be it!! don't let others rain on your parade 💖💖💖

[velvet-vox]

My Top 10 Favourite Male Villains of all time.

"How arrogant of you to think that any of us are anything but irrelevant". -John Greer, Person of Interest (2011-2016).

There comes a moment in a blog's life where some things are just long overdue, and while the argument could be made that this happened way too early, I'd say that as long as this helps me to find my groove, I am free to experiment as much as I want.

So..... Villains.

Gotta love them. As long as I do not meet them in real life. This post is in particular about male villains since I have one dedicated to their female counterparts in the pipeline so expect that to come soon enough and for this part to be rewritten. By the way, "villain" is a generalisation, I can totally put antivillains, antagonists or more general antiheroes in this list; your definition of "Bad Guy" can vary greatly and so can mine, someone like Walter White from Breaking Bad could have made it in here. My taste is very unusual, so prepare yourself for some unexpected picks.

Also, since these are meant to be some big celebratory posts, for the occasion I'll reveal my Italian heritage and translate every line of dialogue in Italian and publish it separately with a link, so that English readers who are learning Italian can exercise.

Here's also a follow up to this post, the first part of my top 30 favourite female antagonists of all time. Check it out, if you are curious to see more.

The bad girls

But first, some honourable mentions:

Oropo (Wakfu): Once you see the number 2 spot for both this list and the female villains list you might notice that I tend to gravitate towards characters with wasted potential more often than not, but while we're just talking about this guy, I cannot stress enough the amount of unceremonious mishandling that lies within his concepts and execution. Really needed two seasons of 25 episodes each to explore it to their maximum.

Tai Lung (Kung Fu Panda): I love him, but not as much as others, it's a matter of personal preference. He's an amazing antagonist, so even if he is just an honourable mention, I wouldn't call him a lesser villain by any stretch of the imagination; I once felt like he was too sympathetic for his movie's sake, but looking back at it again, he's actually moderately evil for a lot of reasons, even if Shifu is the main one.

Bill Chyper (Gravity Falls): It's been way too long since I watched Gravity Falls, I really can't give you an accurate opinion on this guy anymore.

Flintheart Glomgold (DuckTales 2017): That season 2 episode. If you know what I'm talking about, you KNOW. Also the music for that whole sequence was a banger, really driving home the deranged nature of that twist reveal.

Big Jack Horner (Puss in Boots The Last Wish): I feel like when people praise Jack for being a breath of fresh air in a stale environment, they often forget just how good of a villain he was in his own right without the larger industry wide void of truly devious antagonists that act out of pure malice.

The Wolf (Puss in Boots The Last Wish): Two villain entries from one movie? Of course it was gonna be The Last Wish, what else could it be? Honestly I don't even wanna talk about this guy, you need to experience the movie for yourself.

Rob (The Amazing World of Gumball): Everything I have to say about this guy gets talked about much better by the number 6 Spot on this list, but as it stands Rob was my first villain OTP and the guy who opened the box of Pandora for me on what an antagonist could and should be, since then my perception of villainy only widened and now I enjoy their role in a story in much different way.

And now, with that out of the way, let's finally start with the ranking of my personal favourite male villains of all time.

Major spoilers down below:

Number 10: Silco (Arcane)

This guy is the reason that brought me to specify who or what counted for this list as trying to simplify Silco into one specific group of characters is a challenge that can only end in a misunderstanding of what makes Silco such a complex and fascinating character with an amazing character arc, that ends with him not being redeemed, mind you, but allows the audience to grieve in such a way that would make a side character death jealous.

When writing an antagonistic character, Silco is my goal and high standard, and just for that he deserves all of my respect and endless praise.

Now, admittedly, Silco's arc takes a while to kick in, but it works out to his advantage by the end of it since you don't realise just how much you've grown to care for him until he's dead and you're left with the surprise.

10 out 10, the nation of Zaun would have been much better (worse) with him than with Vander.

Number 9: The Riddler (DC)

The Riddler is literally my ride or die villain, when I'm in the mood for him, he's literally my favourite antagonist ever; when I am not in the mood for him, I completely forget about his existence.

When compared to many other entries on this list, Riddler is definitely more on the pop culture side of antagonism, and when you've been around for almost a century, you tend to have many different versions of the same character written by different writers, so I wanted to highlight here my favourite versions of him:

Arkham Games: He's hilarious. He's not my ideal Riddler, but whenever he comes on screen, his whiny rat's ass voice stimulates my pheromones.

Batman The Animated Series: I've heard somewhere that this version of him is disappointing, and to that I'll say... yeah, but only when he wasn't on screen, because otherwise, he kind of slayed.

Matt Reeves The Batman: This is the version that rekindled my love for him after so long. Out of every interpretation of The Riddler throughout the years, this is the one version that treated Edward more as a character rather than an obstacle for Batman to overcome, and for that I'll be eternally grateful.

LEGO Batman The Videogame: My very first introduction to The Riddler and the Batman universe as a whole, this version has a permanent place in my heart , I love how much information and emotion you can get out of him by just looking at his mannerisms and quirks alone; unironically, being silent helps him reach that quote on quote idealised version of Riddler that I was talking about earlier.

Number 8: The Snatcher (A Hat In Time)

There are many things that can carry on a villain in a story, their evolution, stage presence, complexity, thematic contrast to their counterpart, and so on and so forth. While an antagonist can check off many of these boxes simultaneously (like the one pictured), there's one box that is almost impossible to truly nail perfectly: comedy.

You see, comedy is subjective, and when your main antagonist is also the funniest part of a given story, it becomes hard to also match a sense of gravity and menace that allows them to also be an imposing threat, even harder is to give said antagonist depth and a tragic backstory.

But somehow, out of nowhere, The Snatcher from A Hat In Time manages to simultaneously be the funniest character in his section of the game, carrie said energy throughout the whole experience even down to the DLC, simultaneously strikes the balance between being scary, wholesome, sympathetic and tragic, exude an insane amount of charisma, all while having a deeply disturbing backstory that touches on some heavy themes and re contextualises his actions into something more complicated and out of a broken man, everything I just said + he's the biggest bastard in his videogame and never repents nor does he have his actions called out.

Snatcher really has all the right cards that make a stationary character work and uses them to his maximum potential, and it works because his character arc throughout the game is more about becoming affectionate to Hat Kid than it is about redeeming himself.

Lastly, his voice actor, Luke Sizemore, aka Yungtown, really sells the performance of this devious soul eating worm and burns his catchphrases into your brain for the rest of eternity, much like his boss theme,

Your Contract Has Expired

A song that switches around being scary, epic, energetic and desperate in a short, yet perfectly paced amount of time. You need to listen to it regardless of if you've played the game or not.

Fool.

Number 7: Judge Claude Frollo (Hunchback of Notre Dame)

You can never say no to a classic.

There's nothing that I could say that hasn't already been said by thousands of videos on YouTube, but I'll try anyway: you see, Frollo is the reason why we need a new term to identify certain villains that aren't "sympathetic" but still make you feel some sort of human emotion and a form of "I wish someone could give you the care you need to fix your life", I guess the term empathetic exists, but when do you really see it used?

Now, don't get me wrong, Frollo is absolutely not sympathetic in the slightest, he wants to r##e a Romani woman that's way younger than him, but you can still feel that he's very troubled about it in the Hellfire scene and has definitely a lot of unidentified issues and internalised bigotry that could be worked through, even if it's too late to work through them right now.

In general, I feel like people forget that the main reason why past Disney villains worked had to do more with their human traits juxtaposed to their malice rather than just their plain wickedness, otherwise the Horned King from the Black Cauldron would be top of the Disney villains league and that couldn't be further from the truth.

We should really strive towards writing more villains like Frollo, less omnipotent beings that end up falling flat because they don't have much thematic relevance aside from being a threat (Bill Chyper works because he represents Ego and he's used sparingly) and more average vicious individuals who use their power and influence to get what they want.

All in all, if you've seen The Hunchback of Notre Dame, then you know why this guy is here, but just to cite a couple of repeated points, the Hellfire scene is perfect. It's immaculate. It's unreproducible; there will never be another scene like this coming out of the House of Mouse or animation ever again, the excessive amount of stars and elements that came together to create this gothic classic is so vast that it's literally a miracle.

Frollo is truly the personification of the dark, twisted side of humanity peaking through the door and into your mind, from which he shall never escape as his performance still remains perfect to this very day.

Number 6: The Spot (Spider-man across the Spiderverse)

"You've hit me with a bagel!" It's still the greatest villain origin story of all time. There's truly something maniacal about this reveal, like the entire universe was shattered and reality was shocked at the mere realization that while Miles was having his coming of age moment back in the first film, this guy was having his normal life completely and utterly shattered by a combination of both our heroes stepping up to do the right thing and our doofus lack of foresight and self reflection; all of this stuff is hilarious and completely made up for the film but good god they did such an amazing job tying all the elements together in an unexpected way that makes sense and parallels the journey that our protagonist faced in the first movie.

Like with Rob from The Amazing World of Gumball, and a little bit like number 2 on this list, I just really enjoy the concept of turning background characters who had no relevance whatsoever into the big bad of the story who's been there all along and the heroes (and the audience) just couldn't notice.

With The Spot in particular, there's that sense of satisfaction of turning the wasted potential of a villain who has been underestimated for literal decades and treated as a "villain of the week" (God do I love the meta narrative of this movie) into an actual competent, well written antagonist that is aware of his reputation and strives towards bettering himself and his powers.

He's also the funniest character of his movie too and the voice acting of Jason Schwartzman only accentuates his mannerisms and pettyness.

He also has the coolest usage of portals I have ever seen and his whole "There's a hole inside all of us" metaphor is simultaneously hilarious and very deep personal information that can only be understood if you put yourself into his shoes.

I can't wait for Beyond the Spiderverse to come out and see how his arc resolves, more importantly, I wonder if he's going to rank higher in the future.

Number 5: Lord Shen (Kung Fu Panda)

"Happiness must be taken. And I'll take mine"

.....

What a character.

What a movie.

You cause so much pain and suffering, because you don't understand the people around you, and then those people banish you, and you can't understand why, so you start to believe that they hated you.

They never loved you, so you keep causing pain and suffering but it's not that easy anymore; the guilt starts to resurface, all those bodies keep piling up, but you can't stop because then it would have all been for nothing; so you keep chasing those dreams of grandeur because that's all you have left; the emptiness in your heart can no longer be filled by love, so you try to fill it with something else.

You try to fill it with power. You try to fill it with glory. You try to take everything else for yourself so that you can fill that cup, but it doesn't work, because that cup has no bottom.

And so you're left... with yourself.

And the damage you've done. But now it's different; you've failed. You are left with nothing. Nothing.

And so you outrage, for the last time... And then it all ends. Forever. And you've finally come to accept this, after all....... Who could ever love you?

Number 4: Spamton G Spamton (Deltarune)

You know, in retrospect, it's kind of insane what Toby Fox managed to achieve when creating Spamton.

Not only because Spamton feels like the most insane combination of ideas ever conceived, but also because Toby Fox created such a complex character with such a complicated language and personality and then not only shafted it all aside for the players to go out of their way to interact, but also made all of this in what are officially 2 or 3 cutscenes at most (4 if you consider his shop encounter as one) and only one of them being truly mandatory.

You spend so little time with Spamton, and most of that time is spent fighting him, and yet by the end of it you've become enlightened by the knowledge of him, that after a while... you forget how scary it all was.

All the memes comparing Spamton with Turbo are 100% correct and justified, Spamton truly is Turbo but better; you go through an insane rollercoaster of emotions with this character that you are left absolutely dumbfounded when it all comes to a stop and you go back to play the rest of chapter 2 normally.

His insane mannerisms and mood swings are pretty funny at first, but once you peel back the layers a bit they reveal a pretty realistic and sad portrayal of mental illness, mania and hysteria coupled with an unhealthy amount of social distancing, loneliness, and abandonment issues, that reinforce into your brain the idea of someone lacking proper healthcare and needing to be locked away from society for their (society) own good, simulating the vicious cycle that Spamton lives by: nobody wants to help him but he's still expected to act like a regular individual despite the amount of hardships he's facing and the lack of a support system keeping him from falling back into his bad habits.

I'll admit, I've considered putting Spamton in place of the Number 3 spot on this list; but then I've realised that on an objective level, the next entry totally deserves to be ranked above Spamton; plus, with at least 5 more chapters of Deltarune on our way, whose to say that one of the next gremlins won't be able to dethrone even the number 1 spot?

Drumroll for our top 3:

Nox, the Watchmaker (Wakfu)

There will never be another experience in my life as cathartic as watching the first season of Wakfu for the first time ever again.

On a later rewatch, the initial problems that you've noticed throughout the first half of the season and a little bit in the second half become too apparent to ignore, but the first time everything that goes from the ball tournament to the finale is one of the best paced arcs of television, and everything that happens when the team reaches the Sadida kingdom is just peak Wakfu.

And the king, the culprit, the crown jewel of properly paced stories and arcs is no other than the sad clockwork dilf himself: Noximilliem Coxen the Watchmaker.

Arguably, the greatest sympathetic villain of all time. There has never been another case of a character who has committed such vile, unspeakable crimes, and yet still managed to make me root for them while simultaneously not putting down the heroes.

And let's not be mistaken here, Nox is pretty evil:

Aside from the generic murder, Nox also defiled and stitched together the corpses of multiple victims and turned them into his obedient puppets in order to commit even more murder and genocide in order to achieve his goals.

Also, this is one of the funniest crimes Nox has committed: he abused his dog. It's really not that hilarious nor is it that important in the context of the show, but if you look back at it from an outside perspective then it's really like: Oh yeah. That happened too. Lol.

One of the best parts of his entire arc is his defeat. The "20 minutes" scene deserves a "One Villainous Scene" coverage video to forever immortalise it amongst the greatest. Everything from the music, the subversiveness, the cinematography, the voice acting and just the general art direction of it is worthy of an Eminem award at the Oscars, there's genuinely nothing wrong with this scene, it's truly immaculate.

Words alone cannot do justice to the treacherous, gut wrenching emotional rollercoaster that is experiencing his story for the first time. An hour long video essay would only serve to cover the basics and fundamentals, while for the real deal you need to watch the first season of Wakfu for yourself.

Number 2:

Bradford Buzzard (DuckTales 2017)

And now it's the perfect time to pull out my final wild card, the hole of the sink of my autism, the masterpiece of wasted potential that is Bradford Buzzard from the DuckTales remake of 2017.

When you'll also see the number 2 spot on my villainesses list, you'll come to realise that this spot is more of the "I really wish I could put this at number one but I can't because objectively he doesn't deserve it and the majority of things I love about him in canon were probably an afterthought and in fanon were never plausible to begin with."

And that's how I feel about Bradford Buzzard, an antagonist I spent more time thinking about than probably anybody else on the Earth.

The show runners were so genius for this: we are going to create an original character that will probably struggle to maintain a foot print on the franchise due to the way the Duck verse works, we'll give him an insanely cool backstory and motivation, all coupled with interesting character traits and ideology, we'll make him the ultimate foil to Scrooge McDuck that has been working with him for literal decades, we'll make him the one who has got the closest to isolating Scrooge and destroying his family, and THEN we'll turn him into a generic anime villain that shoots lasers and fumbles his own plan and loses because of insane plot armour and contrivance. Good job writers.

Anyway, I should probably make the case for why this guy ranks so highly in my mind to the point of almost taking the podium for my most liked villain of all time, especially when compared to the stiff competition that we just went through.

Now, part of it is just because this is a personal top 10 and so I can put whoever I want in whatever order I want. But also, with Bradford in particular, there's a personal aspect of relatability, various interests, and passions all coming together to make him stand out in my brain.

The thing is, I've had a pretty strong connection to Disney's Duck's comic books my entire life, even if my love for them came dwindling over time, so when I finally started watching the Reboot and it was amazing, all of that buried passion and love finally re emerged back to the surface, turning me into an annoying super fan. But while season 1 and 2 were great, season 3 actually gave me something to latch on for the rest of time even after the show had ended: the character of Bradford Buzzard.

You see, DuckTales, both in the shows and comics, always had a plethora of villains; from the crazy, megalomaniacal millionaires, to witches, demons, and other mythological creatures, to power hungry aliens, to straight up super-villains. But while all of that is true, there has never been another villain, aside from Magica, Glomgold and Rockerduck at traits, that was built specifically as the anti Scrooge McDuck, and even further, there has never been another antagonist who challenged the very core ideas and concepts of the entire franchise.

Bradford is like the Frank Grimes of DuckTales: just a regular, average, real world guy who's fed up with the nonsensical constant state at which their fictional universe operates and seeks to correct it in the most logical way possible. And while Frank was ultimately a victim of a world in which he couldn't conform, Bradford's outrageous and extreme plans and methods put him on everybody's hit list until he was left all alone, but not before indirectly causing every major disaster throughout the reboot's runtime.

A cold, calculating, machiavellian mastermind whose impact and presence secretly permeates the show, right till the very end.

Shame he wasn't written better.

And now, for the one and only,

Number 1:

Qilby (Wakfu)

Qilby is the biggest example of an anomaly that you could ever observe in a work of fiction. The first time experiencing a story is the most important and impactful moment of that story, as every future rewatch won't be as good as the first. In particular, this is an important aspect of twist villains, as they can only surprise you the first time, since at future rewatches the twist becomes predictable.

Furthermore, if the twist ends up ruining the character that was established up to this point, or it doesn't make any sense, then the story is kind of ruined and it only gets worse on future rewatches, since now you know that everything that you are seeing right now is ultimately worthless and doesn't provide any value.

So why do we love twist villains and keep churning them out? Well, you see, it's a matter of execution. A bad guy introduced in an unconventional manner is much more memorable than one introduced in a straightforward way; the twist can also serve to showcase different aspects of the character before becoming an obvious obstacle, be it quirks, interests, personality in casual settings, or cunning.

Let's not beat around the bush.

If Nox is the single greatest sympathetic villain of all time, then Qilby is by far the greatest twist villain of all time, and the crazy thing is, that he surprises you two times in a row, at first by revealing himself as more evil than you could ever imagine, and then, by outing himself as more complex than you could have ever anticipated.

Let me paint you the picture: you just finished the first season of Wakfu, and you are still pretty fresh of the hype surrounding Nox, so you think to yourself "Oh, now every future antagonist is ruined because nothing could ever top the emotional gut punch that I just went through. Whatever, I'm going to stick around just to see if the story gets worse" and you start the second season.

So far, everything is normal, even better of the first season in terms of engagement value, but you can't help but feel the lack of a Nox like figure inside of the story, but at this point, you just accept it.

Then the final six episodes roll around and OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING, HAS THE WHOLE SHOW JUST GONE INSANE?

Somehow, in some mystical, french, magical way, the season 2 finale is arguably even better than the ending of season 1 despite the fight having less buildup and introducing a lot of brand new characters and an entirely irrelevant faction into his conflict.

The entirety of the scene in Emrumb is some of the best writing I have ever experienced in any work of fiction, and the music accompanying it only accentuates the repressed dopamine being released after various episodes of filler, all of them important for this moment to be as impactful as it is.

Qilby is also just a great, tragic character, that is simultaneously an unforgivable bastard that tried to kill his family and doomed his entire race for a family trip, and a sad, nihilistic man still trying to reconcile his love for his family and his need for knowledge and discovery; his curse never truly allows him to move on or relate to others but his ego and need for his forgetful brothers attention just pushes him even further into resentment, ending up damaging himself and those around him, until he's finally isolated again by the vary people he harmed and showed his love towards.

He's as good as the evil secret sibling trope can get and I never get tired of watching him on screen. His reveal scene to Adamai still gives me the chills to this very day and demonstrated me just how good the surprise villain concept can get when it's executed correctly.

Just an all around great show.

[youmissedone]

{out of smokes} Just some feelings tonight, below the cut. No point to it, just... me sharing my thoughts while I feel a bit pensive.

I'm feeling so soft about Carlos x Alice, and I've been missing the movies a lot lately. When I think about how much time and work I put into developing Carlos and Matt/Nemesis and the movie world in general, writing huge metas and AUs and all sorts of things, it makes me feel like I've fallen out of touch with it now. I used to be more immersed in it, but I've gotten away from it in recent years. I write almost exclusively crossover and game-verse things here and on Nemesis' blog, and don't get me wrong, I love that too, but the movie verse was always my strong area and what I preferred and I've just kindof let it get away from me. That makes me sad.

I know that I'm one of a very small subset of people in the RE fandom that actually likes the Anderson films, though, and maybe that's why I've branched out to write Carlos in other worlds/fandoms or to write his game verse which I'm really not as familiar with at all, because I know movie-based threads will be few and far between. I get that, I do, but I used to write a lot more movie-verse things on here in past years and I miss it so much.

For anyone who writes crossover or game-verse things with me on here, please don't think I dislike that, that's not what I'm saying. I'm more saying that I'm not sure at what point those threads became all I do on these blogs or when I let my own personal favorite verses to write in on this and Nemmy's blog just kindof fall by the wayside, but I guess I just realized now that that's exactly what I've done. And it bothers me a little, because I used to have such fun writing in movie verses and fleshing out various aspects of them.

*shrugs* Like I said, no point to this, just sharing. I guess I'm having a pensive night, heh. I'm also sad because I thought RE: Extinction was on TV tonight and I was looking forward to watching it, but I screwed up and it was actually on last night. It's not currently free on any streaming service I have (seriously, screw streaming platforms that make you pay for movies again after already paying to subscribe to the whole service, like wtf even is that, Prime I'm looking at you), and my own DVD of it seems to have gotten corrupted or damaged because it won't play anymore. So I missed a chance to see it again, and I haven't in a while, and that sucks, heh.

It's not nearly as bad an issue with Matt's/Nemesis' blog as it is here, for some reason. Matt's and Nemmy's voices seem to stay pretty constant most of the time, even when they're in a crossover verse or outside the canon of the movies. But I do still miss writing them opposite other canon movie muses and exploring the "what-ifs" of the canon plot. Carlos, though, has really started slipping for me as far as voice, and that's been bugging me a lot lately.

I guess my issue with only writing game- and crossover verse threads is that my original voice for movie-verse Carlos feels like it's no longer there. Writing him almost always in situations in which he's outside his own canon world/universe or writing his dialog in a game-verse (which, if you know movie Carlos and game Carlos, you know they speak and act very differently) makes me feel like I'm actually not hitting any voice of his correctly. I feel like I'm writing some strange amalgam of movie verse, game verse, and my own poor-sounding fudging, haha, and not hitting any one of them correctly. That's really starting to irritate me as a writer. I hold myself to very high standards when writing a canon muse and once I feel like I'm no longer hitting the mark properly, I start to lose muse for that character.

Some of this is my fault, I know, for not keeping up with the games. I was an oldschool player in the 90s and early 2000s, and I've played the RE3 remake, but I still haven't gotten around to playing anything past RE5 or the RE2 remake. And I feel like the fandom for RE now is 90% about the remakes and RE7&8, which is mostly stuff I haven't played. So I've fallen out of touch with the direction the fandom has gone in recent years, and even though I try to barely keep up by reading wikis and things, some of it I don't want to read because I do still intend to play the games and don't want them 100% spoiled, as is the case with RE7&8. Or Village or whatever they're called, see I'm so out of touch that I don't even know, heh.

So... throwing a canon character from RE7&8 at movie verse Carlos, which has happened a number of times... is just... how do I square that? They're so different, not just character wise but canon wise, like the viruses are all different, the rules have changes, there are new creatures, new families, new agencies/organizations... that neither I nor Carlos knows anything about. Or Matt/Nemmy either, for that matter. So my clueless ass is fumbling around in the dark, knowing nothing about anything, trying my best not to disappoint my writing partners, and failing miserably, heh. I hate not writing from a place of solid knowledge of my muse and the world their in. It makes my writing short, simplistic, stilted, and frankly, bad. Then I end up dropping threads I just have no clue what to do with, not intentionally, but because I keep staring at them and trying to reply but not feeling informed enough and being afraid of saying something wrong/stupid.

The last time I started feeling this way, like I was losing the feel and voice of the original muse, I put my RE blogs all on hiatus for a few years. I really don't want to do that, because I write with amazing people on here and I am enjoying the threads that I have, I just wish that I could also have movie Carlos be more of a presence here, on a blog that was originally meant to only be exclusively for that version of him in the first place. I wish I could return to that original voice, at least some of the time. Not sure how to accomplish that, though.

And with Matt/Nemmy, I just wish I could have more movie-plot threads, not necessarily following the plot exactly, but man did I have so much fun back in the day exploring all the "what-if" situations for if things had been different or if Nemesis had survived beyond where he died in canon and ended up in the canon of the later movies. I really wish I could have what I write now AND also get back the movie stuff and the original feel of the muses too, but I'm just not sure that's possible anymore.

*sighs* Well, if you made it this far, thank you for bothering to read, I really do appreciate it. I just kindof felt like I had to get this out of my system before I could starting writing tonight. And again, please don't think I'm unhappy with what I currently have, this isn't a callout post, I'm not directing this at anyone... it's more just expressing my own feelings of disenchantment with how I've just kindof passively let my muses' voices slip in the past maybe two years. But writing this all out did help and I feel ready to write now, so thank you again to anyone who bothered to read this far. And thanks to everyone who does write with me on these two blogs. You're all amazing, and I would never have had these blogs for as long as I have without all my amazing partners. =)

[tokyodolldiaries]

wrote a little reflection on my past two and a half years of being gal. i originally wrote it for my blog but y'all got a lil shout out in it so i figure i should post it here too

just processing some feelings i've been having lately. i'm kylie jenner realizing stuff

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

For the past few months, I've been reflecting on my relationship with gyaru. And it really does feel like a relationship. We've had our ups and downs, but overall it's been a wonderful and rewarding experience. 

Recently (although I'm sure this is no shock considering my blog content), I've been drawn more and more to old school gyaru, which doesn't include a lot of today's most popular and widely accepted signifiers of gal. As a result, I've struggled with feeling like I'm easily perceived as gyaru. 

It's my personal opinion that it is exceedingly difficult for a non-East Asian (particularly non-Japanese) gyaru to read as gal when wearing more "historically accurate" (that sounds pretentious, but I can't think of another way to phrase it) 90s-gyaru make-up. These days, contact lenses and a droop are all-but required to be gyaru as a foreigner, even if the community at large might be hesitant (or even resistant) to admit it. 

I used to do more 2010s/tsuyome make-up at the beginning of my gyaru journey. I do (and did) like the way it looked, but it wasn't super comfortable. I also think that style of make looks best with post-2008 gyaru styles (a la yamanba, tsuyome, and hime), and I've realized (or come to terms with, rather) that tsuyome does not suit me. They say black is universally flattering, but I don't think it does me any favors. I think the bright colors of ganguro do my complexion and hair color a world of good. 

I'm not considering abandoning gyaru; not at all! But I've been thinking a lot about the style, my performance of it, and what I want out of the fashion and community at large. 

✦

I've mentioned this before, but after going off birth control, I gained about 15 to 20 pounds. I want to preface this by saying that weight gain and loss (especially for women) is a sensitive topic. I’m only speaking from my own experience, and I want to acknowledge that some of what I’m about to say isn’t healthy or body-positive thinking. If you feel this might be triggering, please skip to the next section.

With that said, I've been feeling... well, I've been feeling less confident. It has less to do with my actual figure and more with the fact that most of my clothing doesn't fit anymore. 

It was a bit devastating, actually. Living in Japan, finding clothes that fit me sometimes feels like an exercise in futility. I'm tall by Japanese standards, so pants are never long enough. Even XL in Japanese sizes don't typically work due to the shape of my body: larger thighs and hips vs a smaller (by comparison) waist; a larger bust than the Japanese average. 

It is 2025, and even in Japan there have been some strides (minor though they are) towards more accessible clothing, but as a gyaru...

I know I'm not the only gal to complain about this, and I recognize that I'm still rather straight-sized and my struggles are not as severe as those who are plus-sized. But I have to admit, as a gal who loves Alba Rosa and CocoBongo, it's a bit demoralizing to see all these cute clothes on Mercari JP and know that I wont fit into them. Even if I were to starve myself, they still likely wouldn't fit due to the way my body is shaped. I am a woman and most of those clothes were made for Japanese teenagers. This isn't an insurmountable problem. And as anyone with a body knows, weight fluctuates. It's simply the reality of being human. 

I say all of this as a way to explain where my mind is at. I miss putting together coordinates and feeling great when wearing them. These days, I feel ugly and massive. Intellectually, I know that being "fat" is not an insult and that being thin is not a requirement for gyaru. But years and years of social conditioning on what it means to be a beautiful woman has no doubt effected the way I perceive myself. That, and (let's be honest) gyaru has always favored thin bodies. 

All the girls featured in Egg magazine are (and were) incredibly thin. We might know and acknowledge that gyaru is for everybody, but all the media (Egg is considered the gyaru bible, for fucks sake) points to the fact that the "best" gyaru or the most celebrated ones inhabit a thin, teenage body. 

✦

In the past year, I've fallen in love with old school gyaru. It's without a doubt my favorite period of gal history and I've had such a great time learning about its origins and collecting many of the brands that were popular at the time. But the more I've begun to wear old school (specifically between the years of 1996-2003) make-up, I've noticed that I don't always "look" gyaru. I feel gyaru, but I don't know if I would be confident posting the make onto a gyaru community. At first, I tried to identify what the reason for this was. Do I need to be tanner? More white shadow? More eyeliner? I've experimented with it all. 

There's a general rule of thumb among veteran gals that basically assesses a gyaru look on the basis of a few key elements: tan, make, hair and nails. If you're lacking in one, you have to go harder and heavier in the other areas. I wholeheartedly agree with this. 

So, by this logic, if I am doing the "more subtle" old school make, then I should being going harder in the other areas. But what I think people perceive as "going harder" in gyaru is more associated with 2010s gyaru styles such as tsuyome or the modern and Tiktok-ified version of gyaru kei. Old school gyaru weren't yet deco-ing their nails to the extent that the gals in the 2010s were. In fact, most 90s gyaru favored square-shaped nails over the iconic claws of kuro gyaru. And as a ginger with a pale complexion, there is only a certain level of tan that I can realistically achieve before it starts to veer towards racial mockery. 

Nothing is stopping me from blending substyles. As much as the gaijin gyaru community favors historical purity, the reality is that what gyaru is in 2025 is an amalgamation of all of gyaru history's "best ofs." It also favors more kawaii-esque elements such as dolly circle lenses and spikey-manga lases, both of which were not common among 90s gals. 

This begets a question: is it possible for a non-Japanese person to look gyaru while in old school gal sans droop and circle lenses? Has gyaru evolved past this more subtle variation? 

I'm not sure what to make of these feelings. My love for old-school gyaru fashion and history is unwavering, but should I abandon the gyaru moniker in favor for something more nebulous? Should I abandon labels entirely? 

It's a weird question because I've spent so much of the last two years immersing myself in all things gyaru. Giving it up now feels like defeat. It feels wrong. But I also have respect for the style and the community, and I don't want to be here if I can't "read" as gyaru. I don't want to take up space.

✦

In all other realms, I am extraordinarily happy. I have a partner who I love and who loves me, I've discovered my love for teaching, I have friends I love, and I love living in Tokyo. I'm surrounded by love. 

The above issues don't effect my life outside of the few moments when I think long and hard about myself as gyaru. Divorced from this label, I am simply Lexie who is now 29 years old; whose body has changed and will continue to change in the future. But I don't want a divorce. Gyaru is important to me. 

As I write this, I am starting realize that I am speaking on gyaru solely as an online performance. I feel the most insecure about my body when I see it reflected back at me in photos; when I’m wearing my ganguro clothes and wishing I were thin like the Japanese gyaru they were originally designed for. I feel the worst about my own expression of gyaru when I notice that the most popular modern gyaru on Instagram and Twitter are the ones with giant circle lenses and vague kawaii fashion.

If my goal is to be a "popular gyaru" online, there is nothing stopping me from going to back to that tsuyome look. But that's an inane goal. 

It’s interesting (and a little unsettling) to be someone who studied media and communications in university, who fully understands how social media is designed to addict us and feed us a false sense of validation, and yet still fall victim to it. 

I had begun to associate my validity as a gyaru with the amount of attention my looks or make received online, which, admittedly, has never been a whole lot. This is not healthy thinking, and it shouldn’t be the point of gyaru. I know this, but "knowing" and "feeling" often act independently of each other, and the feelings...well... tend to feel the most real.

✦

And that's all there is to it.

I'm writing this because it feels good to get out. I've also somehow managed to cultivate a small group of amazing mutuals (of which I am forever grateful) and if anyone's going to give me good feedback, it'll be them.  

I don't know what conclusion I'm drawing from this. I don't think there is one. Not yet. 

The only thing I'm pretty certain of is that gyaru, like anything else in life, is an ebb and flow. I might be ebbing now, but the flow will come again. It's inevitable. 

[listleven]

Using LOA with love

(and pateince+persistence)

FIRST BLOG!

Hi LOA Tumblr! I am frankly new to this community but have seen enough to know over consuming is not what I should be doing. Im here to show my journey in manifesting my ideal reality, using the list method, SAT's, and whatever else I can say I might use meditations but I don't know yet(I have a invasive family, I dont want them to catch me doing that 😭) I will post what subs I will use. Most of all I know I have it now soooo. Ive seen enough of post's yelling at me bc Im paying attention to the 3d or telling me once again about LOA. Im still in a partial learning faze so I might use this blog to ask questions, but mostly Im going to start applying and this blog is for everyone who is as well. Basically for reminding everyone we are in our desired realities/have our desires! I've had loads of success with LOA so it is real and very much inevitable. Anyway here are some stuff in my list of everything in my ideal life (which is from now on my actual life) I will be posting the results but technically I already have it so yeah.

-I never study for anything but when I get a test or question on it I answer correctly without fail

-I always get straight As

-I only affirm once to manifest instantly

-I am the void every time I count down from 5

-My 3c hair looks exactly like the Pinterest curly hair, even though I don't put any effort into it, I literally just wash my hair and leave it alone, its so easy to do.

-Every godsend beautiful fanfic I've read in AO3 that's been left unfinished now has an ending and its so good 😩

-I can speak, read, write any language I want perfectly

-I shift instantly with just one affirmation

-Im really good at dancing and singing

-I don't have to use the toilet anymore (its so annoying ill drink one glass of water and boom)

-My favorite show isn't poorly written and is actually really good (guess which one, It really has so much potential and its actually my biggest object of love I have to save it )

Besides my hair being effortlessly good Im not touching my physical appearance bc Ive always been very pretty and skinny but that doesn't mean its "harder" to manifest and if you want to go for it its your reality you deserve to feel good about yourself. Up till now my life has been messed up by older men, my mom, school, and religion but no more of that! Now I have everything in my list and I'm living my most ideal life! Feel free to send asks and DM me to vent or whatever. IK a lot of people don't like that but I personally find it easier to talk to online strangers and dont mind at all.

Im also very curios about lucid dreaming I might update on that too, idk ksksk, Anyway,

~ With Love, you can call me, Jyspire

[wolfertinger]

Oh for fuck sakes I hate having this shit brought to my attention. Hi, hello. Thought I'd come here and say something myself. Sorry if I seem bitchy, but I'm stressed as fuck from everything going on in my life rn that's unrelated to this and I am so fucking tired of this irrelevant little leech making shit up about me and tons of other ppl just to get her 5 seconds of attention that she so desperately needs.

I am genderfluid. I am afab but genderfluid. I came out like 2.5 years ago after secretly struggling for a very long time with my identity and gender. And I am TIIIIRED of that mf "Bodybag" or "Majora" (oh my God, stop changing your name) discrediting me and constantly perpetuating this whole "CIS WOMAN" shit. You god damn hypocritical fuck shit. "WAAAAH THESE TRANSPHOBES ARE ATTACKING MEEEE" and then you proceed to say some of the most transphobic shit ever on your blog about trans mascs and cis lesbians while also misgendering ppl on purpose that you hate? Get the fuck over yourself. Yeah I know all about those posts you've made. Very weird stance to take for someone who claims they're always being "targeted" because she's trans. That kind of rhetoric just sounds...IDK, transphobic and lesbophobic? Weird.

I never drew rape art of you. I made nsfw of our ocs and you fucking know that. And when I did make it you even praised it at the time. It was ONE. Image. Also, I'd like to point out that she once willingly posted this art in public on her Instagram account with minors following it to "get back at me". It was not censored. Really classy.

And before she comes here claiming it was rape art, it was a bit on the kinkier side. She herself even requested me to draw shit for her in the first place! That's it! I don't have it anymore, nor do I have evidence of her praising it. I know that doesn't help my credibility but when I cut ties with her I tossed everything because the shit she put me through was so traumatizing I didn't want to even have anything involving her near me. I thought I could just cut her off and be left alone. But fucking no. She has tried to also use my coping mechanisms as a rape survivor to paint me as a noncon fetishist.

At risk of making ppl look at me funny, or in disgust: yes. I do partake in making CNC based artwork. PRIVATELY. AS ADVISED BY A THERAPIST. My assault happened a long time ago, but I never actually got help for it until recently. It has been life altering and has left me with constant feelings of shame and disgust over myself and my sexuality for years. Due to my trauma and my disorder (diagnosed bipolar schizoaffective) I also struggle with hypersexuality. It's not great. And when she told me she understood that, I thought I could trust her and talk to her about it. We TALKED about it. I never even showed her my private art of that nature, even. None of my friends have seen it. I keep it private. In fact, the only nsfw art she ever got out of me is the one of our ocs that she's claiming is rape art of her. What the actual fuck, dude???

I don't have many friends, and yes, even at my age, I'm kinda socially inept and trust way too easily. That's on me. And no, I do not post any of my vent art of that kind online, and I have't even drawn anything like that in months now due to making progress in therapy. The fact that I even have to come here to say this and talk about shit I'm genuinely ashamed of due to my trauma is a lot. I have been in on and off therapy to help me with my trauma and mental health problems for a while now. I'm still trying to improve myself as a person. It's not easy. And I am sick of having her paint me as this disgusting person when she knows full well I'm nothing like she claims.

I stupidly made the mistake of trusting her in the very little time that we knew each other. That's on me. I can admit that. But I do not deserve to have the claims she's throwing at me being made rn. Or EVER. Bitch I am TIRED of your ass. SO MANY of us are. I NEVER talk about you. I try to avoid you and avoid talking about you because every time your name gets brought up, I genuinely become anxious and sick.

I have tried to avoid this blog. I have tried to avoid her and her friends and anyone else for nearly a year now. I am tired, dude. I am fucking tired.

Believe me or not, I do not care anymore. I am done. I didn't even fucking touch her stupid fucking callout this time but I see that isn't enough for her. You tell everyone I am obsessed with you, but YOU are obsessed with ME. Clearly.

You make me sick, Majora. Stop using serious matters like rape as a fucking prop in all this and anything. Holy shit there is a special place in Hell for you.

This is the only time I'm making a statement about anything. I don't like being told this mf is still making these claims about me. Fuck off.

And to everyone else affected by her or ppl she associates with, I am sorry. And if anyone is disgusted by me for what I just admitted, I understand. I will not be coming back, and I do NOT want to be made aware of anything that mf posts in regards to me again. Thanks.

.

[barrenclan]

I was about to say ‘maybe Malmo would suit Barrenclan’ but uh Rainhaze isn’t looking too hot and youch

ANYWAYS I think the song Malmo by Moon might suit Barrenclan as I mentioned before, specifically the popular part (it’s always the popular part)

Three of us sleep next to three others

(Not sure who it’d match)

It's hot and we rot in this oven

(referring to Barrenclan’s environment)

Now there's something about the language

(followed by next part, but maybe Rainhaze about the welcoming of death or injury in Defiance)

Something about these people

(Pinepaw with the new scar or maybe Corm or maybe Rain. I think they could all decently match??)

That look an awful lot like me

(Same as before, Pinepaw with the new scar or maybe Corm or maybe Rain. maybe even talking about Slug right now too)

I'm surprisingly accepting of this discomfort

(Why I said Rain is at this point (right before death but close enough) is because he didn’t seem to mind it anymore)

But I'm not trying to be much of a person right now

(don’t know)

I'm just trying to get some sleep

(Pine with the nightmares and now grief. also with the shock.)

Not sure if these actually match but they seem close enough and I’m very tired anyways OH MY RAIN HOLY BDDBXBBBDB

Wow, Paul Dano is in this band? That's cool. I like your analysis of the lyrics!

Why it's an absolute classic! In terms of characters I think it fits Deepdark a bit better than Rainhaze, though.

Do I even need the lyrics for I Can't Decide?

ANOTHER classic! I like this one sort of swapping off between Slugpelt and Rainhaze, where he's trying to get her to come back to him in their youth, but now it's flipped the other way.

Achilles, Achilles, Achilles, come down Won't you get up off, get up off the roof? You're scaring us and all of us, some of us love you

The self is not so weightless, nor whole and unbroken Remember the pact of our youth Where you go, I'm going, so jump and I'm jumping Since there is no me without you

This one's been suggested a couple times, but I still really like it with Slugpelt, so here it is again.

I don't this it has! Ah, I recognize it from IncuriousCat, of course. They're very popular on this blog it seems. Rainhaze is a good character for song about making bad deals.

I'ma make a deal with the bad wolf So the bad wolf don't bite no more

My enemy is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen, hey You know I'll run away for a couple years just to prove I've never been free

Has Ride the Cyclone has a re-emergence? I feel like I've seen it a lot lately. It's nice to have a song with old BarrenClan anyways, before all the tragedy and drama.

What the world needs Is people like me To keep it all spinning around I'm the mover, I'm the shaker, I'm the headline-maker

He put it into words, and it's plain to see We need a little less of them A little more of me!

Yeah, I think you could chuck this in a Rainhazeward direction!

All this time, I've felt like my time to go would arrive That it can't last forever; I've been decaying Moldy scaffolding, ritual strangling No matter what I try, I seem to stay alive

My body should be cold The eyes of maggots gazing through to my soul I left so long ago Behind me are the tears I couldn't control

HOORAY! I'm a big Pink Floyd fan. It'd be so cool to see a "Trial" scene with him as Pink and all the other characters as the other roles.

Day after day, the love turns gray Like the skin of a dying man And night after night, we pretend it's all right But I have grown older, and you have grown colder And nothing is very much fun any more

Oooh, Bauhaus! Also a big fan of them. That's a good alternate voice claim for Deepdark, too.

Thank you, it is! I'm always taking more song asks, of which I have got quite a few. I'm glad you like the comic!

May you die wide awake With a look of great surprise May your eyes be taken just Before you can weep As you see what you stole stolen from you <- yuuuup rainhaze

Aww, that makes me sad. But it does fit well with them.

I dreamt I found you hanging I didn't know what it meant Your eyes would follow me through Everywhere I went

The window on the fifth floor Shattered as you wept What am I witnessing? What stories have you kept?

Damn ran outta links, I thought I got it this time

[kimmiessimmies]

Personal post

This will probably be the most non-Sims related post I've put on this blog ever. I'll put most of it under a cut, so you can choose whether or not to read it. The thing is, I could use some advice. And asking strangers from all over the world advice on something important might be weird, but you are also my community, so I value your opinions. Don't worry, this isn't a "Kim being depressed" kinda post. 😉 It's a work thing.

Upfront: This post is about me being unhappy in my current well-paid job and my search for something that makes me happy. It might come across sounding a bit entitled, since I know there are many people who would be happy to have any job, just so they can pay their bills. I'm sorry if this post triggers that, and I know I'm privileged to even be in this situation. ❤️

TL/DR: Do I stay in a well-paid, secure job that doesn't bring happiness and actually negatively affects my mental health because of it? Or: Do I take the plunge into the unknown and give up the securities I have now for something that could potentially (but not guaranteed) not only make me happy but bring me opportunities as well?

Okay, here's the deal. Currently, I work in education. I've been teaching for 19 years, and for the last 3 years, I've held the position that best translates to special needs coordinator at the school where I've been all of my working life. In short, my job entails making sure the teachers have the tools they need to help all kids in their classes with special educational needs, to make sure each child ends up in the right form of education fitting their needs and dealing a lot with difficult or even alarming home situations. My job can be rewarding at times, and challenging at others. Aside from this, I've been part of the management team at my school for almost 8 years. I work at a big school. It wasn't big when I started there, but it's big now. I have a degree in Early Childhood Education, and that's also the age group I've always dealt with. It's the age group I've always taught, and it's the age group currently under my supervision in the position I'm now.

This past year, I've struggled with my mental health, as I've mentioned before, and have not been at work fully for a while. My therapist and I established that while work is "okay", it's also not bringing me joy anymore while my job was once the happiest and most passionate thing I did. Right now, it's blah. This position is not one that really suits me, yet I don't want to go back to teaching either. I've been there, done that. Add to that the fact that, come September, my boss requires me to change my position slightly. I'd be doing the same thing I do now, but for an older age group. This has given me a lot of stomach aches, because the thing that still drives me to do my job now is the fact that I'm doing it geared towards the youngest kids in school.

All in all, the job is not bringing me happiness in the slightest anymore. Having said that, I know a lot of people do jobs that don't make them happy, but it pays the bills, so let's suck it up and just do it. Which is fine, I can do that too, except my mental health suffers...

However, there are a few good things about this job too:

The pay is really good

I have lovely colleagues

I have a lot of credits here because I've been here for so long. They know my worth

I have a very understanding boss who's been nothing short of wonderful during my depression

(If you're still with me, thank you for reading this essay all the way, it's appreciated 💗)

My therapist asked me, "If money weren't a factor, what would you be doing?" My answer was "write." More specifically, I just want to stay home all day and work on ATOH, but no one is going to pay me for that. 😄 So, write, or do a job in which writing plays a role. So, she advised me to start looking for jobs that fit that description. It was a rather depressing search. Most jobs that came close to what I'd like to do require degrees or diplomas I don't have.

And then I suddenly stumbled upon something: Assistent Project Manager at a small, but well established company that creates educational projects (usually based on children's books), books and materials geared towards early childhood education in particular, and currently expanding to do the same for education to older kids as well.

I felt like I had found the holy grail. This is writing, this is editing, this is being creative, this is working with authors, but it's also closely related to early childhood education, the thing I know so well. Despite still being semi depressed, I felt like I needed to at least give this a shot. So, I wrote a letter, enclosed my resume, and waited. I didn't have to wait long, because a few days later I got an invite for an interview.

I went for the interview and was welcomed at a small and very homely office space (with an office cat!). We had a good talk and I left happy. They invited me to do a "trial day" with them, which is what I'll be doing today. They've had a lot of applicants for this position, but from the contact we've had since, it seems like I stand a good chance.

Sounds like a no-brainer? Perhaps, unless you have my brain... Because there are doubts:

Pay. This job pays quite a bit less than my current one. I'm a single parent and therefore sole breadwinner in my household. Currently, I make quite good money because I've been in this job for a long time and hold a relatively high position in the organisation. We can pay the bills, go on holidays, and even splurge occasionally (for example, the very pricey laptop I bought a few months ago). With this job, I would still make enough to pay the bills and go on holidays, but I will need to keep an eye on the money, and there won't be splurging for a while. I do know this sounds like a luxury problem to some.

Job security. In my current job, I'm under a fixed contract. Basically, unless I royally fuck up, I can't be fired. With this job I'd start on a year contract. After that year, they can either decide to give me another year or let me go. This won't just be if I mess up, but also if they decide I'm not the best person for the job after all, or if I don't fit in with their small, close-knit team. Worst case scenario; they let me go, and I'll have to go back to education and probably teach again.

These doubts are few, but strong. So, basically, like I already said above: do I stay in a well-paid, secure job that doesn't bring happiness and actually negatively affects my mental health because of it? Or: do I take the plunge into the unknown and give up the securities I have now for something that could potentially (but not guaranteed) not only make me happy but bring me opportunities as well (since it's publishing)?

I don't need anyone to actually answer those questions, but those are the wonderings on my mind I wanted to write down. Thanks for reading. ❤️