#{{ & if you think about his childhood; it becomes even more evident. How he did whatever he could to be loved }}

[sadistic-sakamaki]

What do you want to be, really?

A Martyr.

Hey, quick question: are you okay? You know you don't have to burn yourself up to keep others warm...? Yes, a flashy end is a great one but have you ever considered living a fulfilling life? Sacrifices show appreciation, yes, but maybe you should take it easy. You don't have to keep showing off to be validated. Words can be loud even when they’re only whispered if you say the right thing.

Tagged by: @perennial-tenacity​  Tagging: Everyone!

[huiyi07]

GENSHIN MANGA SPOILERS! but honestly if you haven’t read it by now it’s your fault alone

So why did Kaeya initially try to hurt Collei?

The obvious answer- he was trying to defend Mondstadt, Collei was a very suspicious figure at the time, and he knew that being aggressive towards her would probably draw out her hidden powers and reveal herself as the culprit of the Black Fire incident.

But there’s more to it than that.

Kaeya canonically loves, LOVES kids. He adores them- there’s lots of times in the game where he talks about how precious childhood is and how he wants to protect the purity of childhood dreams for as long as possible before kids have to grow up and face the real world (kinda similar to Childe). In 3.8, it shows how he is literally willing to do anything to protect a child- Klee, when he literally throws aside his own sibling issues in order to shield Klee from being exposed to the same thing and scolds a couple of bickering brothers for upsetting her.

Additionally, there’s his whole thing with Mika and how he’s basically a big brother figure to the entirety of Mondstadt’s population under 17. The highly implied bond between Bennett, Razor, Fischl and him, even.

Anyway this whole aspect of his character obviously stems from his own childhood and how tainted it was by his hidden identity, so like he probably doesn’t want any other kids to have to go through such hardship especially while they’re still young.

So if he loves kids so much, and wants to protect them so badly, why did he not hesitate to become a full blown villain against Collei, literally wounding an innocent 12-year old girl?

Because he sees himself in her.

Collei hates herself (or at least she used to LOL). She hates the burden (her powers) that was forced upon her from a young age, and those powers inevitably label her as a bad person, one who can harness evil powers to kill And hurt and whatever. It makes her feel like she has no real control over herself, and that she has no self-identity- she doesn’t think of herself as a regular person, instead a monster. And she hates, hates, hates herself for it, but she shoves all of it down under a mask.

Sound familiar to a certain cavalry captain?

That’s why Kaeya didnt hesitate to Go after her. He knows her too well, knows that she’s hiding her true identity under a well-crafted face, that there’s something evil and dark in her- because that’s exactly who he was as a kid.

But then this panel happens.

Collei, evidently so tired of living such a torn life, gives up and offers her life to Kaeya just so that the torment can end, which stops Kaeya in his tracks, because that’s when she reminds him off himself just a little too much.

Kaeya, so caught up in her uncontrollable evil, forgets that she’s just a child, one who never should’ve been forced to deal with such a thing, and certainly not want to die because of it.

That’s exactly what happens internally to him, as well. Over the years, Kaeya internalized being a traitor so much, that often he convinces himself that he’s truly not a good person. Yes, he acknowledges that it’s really not his fault, but that still gets lost and it shows through when Kaeya shows us how willing he is to get himself harmed- because of his self hatred, he places so little value in his own wellbeing and his own life, because he thinks that all harm that comes to him is deserved and that it���s better off if he’s dead anyway so that he doesn’t have to deal with being torn apart every day.

No I’m not making this up, it’s in how he literally covers for Diluc all the time and risks himself in the process, and how Adelinde told us about that one time Kaeya literally took Diluc’s punishment for himself when they snuck into the wine cellars. There’s lots of times, even throughout in the game where Kaeya tries to convince us he’s not a good person- he quite literally says that, at some point.

Only when Collei shows that she’s in the exact same position does Kaeya realize what he’s doing and stops himself. Only then does he remember how painful and hard it really is, and he ends up helping to save Collei and removing her powers, because that’s one burden he can help take off, unlike his own.

Idk man for me the Kaeya vs Collei fight (I like to call it the chapter where collei gave us the hottest panel of Kaeya choking ever) told a story about Kaeya’s internalizations, too, and his own-self hatred and how deep it really goes. BRB CRYING

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.134 Parenting

Once Desiree was satisfied, I placed her in the bassinet, snapped a picture to send to everyone, and called Mama. Naturally, she thought I was still at the hospital, so I told her our heroic tale of home birth. It upset her at first because anyone in their right mind would have been concerned about giving birth unassisted. But in the end, she said she was proud of me. Dad was still over there, so she told him of his new granddaughter, and he came over immediately. Sophia was supposed to be resting, but was much too excited to sleep and eager to spend time with Desi. I mean, she was probably the best baby ever born, so I didn't kick back too much when she appeared at the door when Dad arrived. She promised to go to bed as soon as he left.

"She's beautiful, son. I'm really happy for you both."

"Thanks, Dad."

Knowing Sophia couldn't sleep because she wanted to hold our daughter, I probably should have given Desi up, but I couldn't part with her. At least not yet. I asked if Dad wanted to hold her because it was the right thing to do, but I was glad he declined. He, like me, was skittish about holding her, even after having two children of his own. The more I held her, the more comfortable I became. At that rate, I'd be a professional newborn handler in no time.

"When you were a toddler," he began, "I was still afraid of you. Of course, you were bigger and less fragile then, but I had never really been around children before and didn't know what to do with you."

Looking back, I saw evidence of that all the way through our childhood. He was naturally a laid-back guy, but his parenting style was also very hands off. He basically let us do whatever we wanted, only stepping in when it was critical or we came to him. Mama was kind of passive too, but she checked in with us from time to time to see how things were going and how she could help. What kind of parent did I aspire to be? I certainly couldn't see myself as a helicopter, but I think I'd like to be less be passive. Only time would tell what I'd become.

"I learned quickly how fickle children are at that age and was deathly afraid of you having a tantrum, so I tried to talk to you nicely when it was time for a bath or whatever I needed you to do. You thought it was funny and would mock me."

"Really?? I did that?"

"Sure did."

"I bet you were so adorable," Sophia said.

"He was. They both were. And now you both have your own. I wish I had more time to see them grow up, but I'm happy just knowing they exist."

"Don't talk like that, Dad."

"I'm old, Luca. I won't be around forever."

Sad doggie whimpers saved me from that conversation. It's not that I didn't realize my parents had gotten on in age, but I didn't want to discuss it yet. I was still high from becoming a parent for the first time. He could burst my bubble after my birthday, and he better not die before then.

"What's the matter, Rosie? Did you hear the baby? You have a little sister now. Come here. Let's get you introduced."

I put down Des, picked up Rosie, and brought her to the bassinet.

"This is Desiree. She's gonna be your new playmate soon, and I'm gonna get you and Kooper some treats so you can play with her for a really long time."

She licked my face, so I guess she forgave me. I hadn't completely neglected them, but she and Kooper definitely got lost in the shuffle.

"We still love you and Koop. You were our first babies! But this baby is gonna need a lot of help, so don't think I don't love you if we don't go jogging every day, okay?"

"You're such a good daddy," Sophia said.

I think I detected a hint of flirt in there, but I kept that thought to myself. Maybe when she wasn't struggling to keep her eyes opened I'd revisit, heh. She excused herself to go to bed a few minutes later. Desiree began fussing again, but I didn't have to guess what she needed that time; I could smell it. Dad had gone downstairs, probably to see what he could do around the house to help, so it was on me to get Little Miss Lady cleaned up. It was surprisingly not that hard. At least I hope I did it right.

[elvendorx]

Hii! Love all yuor metas! How do you think Remus took the fact that James and Sirius declared themself often as best friends, do you think he sometimes got hurt and felt a little jealous or he was just okay with that?

Hello and thank you, that's so nice of you to say! <3 Thank you for this question, I could talk about marauder dynamics forever and I mean that incredibly literally, because this response is so. long. But I felt like I had to explain the ins and outs of the dynamics of james, sirius and remus to justify why I think it wasn't exactly jealousy but that there was resentment and maybe judgement from remus re: their friendship. that’s what I’m telling myself anyway :)

Note: I mention some information directly from Pottermore/Wizarding World here as a lot of information about Remus’ early life is included there. My stance on Pottermore/WW information is that you can judge and accept it according to how well the additional info aligns with character presentations in the books and whether it’s consistent with the information there. Basically, whether it seems like something that was always intended for the character or whether it’s something fluffed up for attention post-series (it’s about 50/50 with this author imo). For me, the Pottermore/WW info on Remus generally does align with how I understand and read him in the series so I use it as part of my discussion here.

-

I think that jealousy is a pretty common human response when you see a mutual bond existing independently of you between two people you consider your close friends. Remus had an isolated childhood and we see that friendship and acceptance were incredibly important to him so on that basis, yes, I think that James and Sirius' closer friendship existing within the group would be difficult for him at times, when it was something that he wanted and valued so much. But on that same basis, I think that James and Sirius' closeness would be something he was at peace with, because he still had the friendship and acceptance that he wanted regardless of what level of exclusivity it operated at. 

Sirius and James seem to have hit it off immediately on the Hogwarts Express, so Remus would probably have recognised their closeness to each other from the start and maybe assumed that they had already known each other for many years, and it was something that he never questioned. Whilst I don’t think that James & Sirius' closeness was something that especially troubled Remus, I do think that James was his favourite friend, because he talks about him especially fondly and in a different way to how he talks about Sirius and Peter. Even so, it’s evidently incredibly meaningful to him that he had the three of them as a unit when he's explaining that he's a werewolf in the Shrieking Shack:

"For the first time ever, I had friends, three great friends. Sirius Black… Peter Pettigrew… and, of course, your father, Harry -- James Potter."

Pottermore/WW states that Remus was happy to have friends at all, having never thought he could be part of a group, and I think he'd get swept up in the excitement and novelty too much to get strongly jealous, especially when they tell him their intentions to become Animagi for him because I don't think that Remus would ever have imagined that kind of friendship for himself.

In fact throughout the books we see that, as an adult, Remus participates in and perpetuates the view of James and Sirius as a closer, separate pair - “your father and Sirius here were the cleverest students in the school”, “your father and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did — everyone thought they were the height of cool” -  so I’m more inclined to think that any issues that Remus might have felt towards James & Sirius’ friendship would have come from the imbalance in how he comes to view them individually, rather than from any feelings of personal exclusion.

However, we see Remus’ negative self-judgement inform his relationships on several occasions throughout the series - he doesn't pull up James and Sirius in SWM on their treatment of Snape despite his visible disapproval, probably out of his closeness to them and fear of rejection, as we know he values and relies on the company of his friends to bear the difficulties of his condition (although he made them "feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes"). He thinks that Tonks doesn't see him as good enough because he doesn't feel good enough for her himself. He worries about not being worthy of the accommodations that Dumbledore has made for him so I can absolutely see him watching James and Sirius form their own unit within the group and feel that it's due to his own shortcomings rather than a natural kinship between them.

Again, I think that's a fairly common human response to seeing two people that you know so well, seemingly spend the same amount of time with, but they just click in a different way. I don’t think that it necessarily suggests anything untoward on Remus’ part and I think that any jealousy or annoyance about it would arise mainly in his worst moments of low self-esteem rather than being a consistent and underlying feeling. Remus is quite matter-of-fact and could probably see that James and Sirius have that same spirit and taste for trouble and be like, okay then, makes sense. Perhaps in the scenario of group activities (i.e. the map) where James and Sirius might get carried away and work on it without the others, he'd be a bit more sour about it because it's something that was intended as a group activity but he'd also probably enjoy the peace away from schemes that didn't involve him.

I said earlier that I think Remus consideredJames his personal best friend but I also think he'd be somewhat relieved to not have the pressure of being in an intensely close best-friendship like James and Sirius had and having to constantly uphold his side of it. I don’t think he could deal with the sense of pressure that would manifest for him in that scenario, and I think that he would also be aware of that and that would temper any sense of jealousy or woundedness. The intimacy of his relationship with Tonks seems like a very new or at least rare thing for Remus and he doesn’t deal well with the idea of being needed. James and Sirius have a lot of energy, so probably Remus would be grateful that James has Sirius to cause trouble with rather than getting drawn into it himself, particularly the side of James that gets a kick out of bullying Snape because Remus is clearly uncomfortable with that. Remus says in PoA that:

"Dumbledore's trust has meant everything to me. He let me into Hogwarts as a boy, and he gave me a job when I have been shunned all my adult life"

so although they pushed the boundaries with the illegal Animagi transformations, I don't think that Remus would have done anything covert at school so James having Sirius to do the more ostentatious troublemaking with would be a blessing for Remus in many ways.

Ultimately, I think that James and Sirius being a twosome just becomes a given fact of the group dynamic, with Remus happy with being part of a group and being liked, grateful for James in particular and accepting of James’ separate friendship with Sirius, but I think it became more complex later on. Remus doesn't perceive James and Sirius equally and as he grew to trust Sirius less, James’ closeness to him might be something that Remus understood or accepted less too. We don’t know very much at all about his individual relationships with James and Sirius, or how his view of them changed between adolescence and adulthood but there are differences in the way he talks about them as individuals.

Remus talking about James vs Sirius

Remus has a very positive view of James and struggles to admit to his flaws with Harry in the post-SWM chapter, he tries hard to mitigate and justify them even when Harry has visibly seen Remus' discomfort in the memory:

“Look, Harry, what you’ve got to understand is that your father and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did — everyone thought they were the height of cool — if they sometimes got a bit carried away —”

whereas Sirius is like "yeah he was a bit of an idiot, we were all idiots" and admits that he's ‘not proud of it’ rather than trying to justify it. 

Remus actively makes allowances for James’ treatment of Snape:

“​​Snape was a special case. I mean, he never lost an opportunity to curse James, so you couldn’t really expect James to take that lying down, could you?” 

but intervenes with Sirius' behaviour on several occasions, even when he's not doing much more than getting a bit heated in conversation (as in, not in circumstances such as the Shrieking Shack which I would argue are exceptional):

“Sirius, sit down” (even though Molly is goading Sirius: “The thing is, it’s been rather difficult for you to look after him while you’ve been locked up in Azkaban, hasn’t it?”)

This sets up a dichotomy of James as predictable and reasonable vs Sirius as rash and unreasonable in Remus’ judgement - he doesn’t keep an eye on Sirius in OotP because they’re close or he’s in love with him, it’s because he doesn’t trust him and expects him to react disproportionately, or he sees Sirius as a disruption to good spirits or peace. When Sirius mentions Voldemort:

“the atmosphere in the room changed with the rapidity Harry associated with the arrival of dementors…Lupin, who had been about to take a sip of wine, lowered his goblet slowly, looking wary”.

On the other hand, he's incredibly protective of James’ reputation as an overall Good Person because the most stable and sociable times of Remus' life are framed by the time that James was in his life. Sirius and Remus were less close to each other than they individually were to James in my opinion, so Remus doesn’t have the same struggle with seeing Sirius as flawed. Sirius on the other hand readily admits James’ flaws:

“Of course he was a bit of an idiot!” said Sirius bracingly

To Sirius, this is just who James was and loved him for his flaws and his good qualities equally. He also doesn’t need to deny James' imperfections to believe that he was a good person:

“Your father was the best friend I ever had, and he was a good person”.

So I think it’s interesting seeing the differences in how Sirius and Remus see both James and each other, and what it says about those various individual relationships. Remus’ default perspective of Sirius still seems to be of someone he can’t or doesn’t trust despite finding out that Sirius was never a traitor. 

Discord between Sirius and Remus

In my opinion, Remus and Sirius have a dynamic which has probably always run with some form of an undertone of discord and a couple of instances in SWM summarise this well (they actually run concurrently but I find it easier to dissect them seperately because there's a lot going on): 

“I’m bored,” said Sirius. “Wish it was full moon.” / “You might,” said Lupin darkly from behind his book.

and

“...if you’re bored you could test me...” / “I don’t need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.”

The intended meaning of both Remus and Sirius is pretty clear in each exchange: in the first, Remus is asking for Sirius to test him, not for Sirius to refresh his own knowledge. In the second, Sirius is talking about the activites after transformation, which Remus talks about enjoying himself. In fact he says that when the others could transform, it made:

"my transformations not only bearable, but the best times of my life"

Therefore, it seems as if he’s deliberately reading it as ignorance on Sirius’ part - or he interprets it as ignorance or selfishness because he sees those qualities in Sirius already (the prank happens before SWM, so I think that this is probable, even if only a recent development). To me, this signifies a fundamental sense of misunderstanding and miscommunication between them, or a lack of desire to try, which continues into their adulthood.  Their understanding of each other has limits and hurdles, whereas their discussion of James (both separately and together) is overwhelmingly positive and familiar (which could just be the dead friend glasses at work, but I do think they both just really loved James). 

Pottermore/WW suggests a further sense of bitterness and jealousy towards Sirius from Remus: "he always got the women", Remus supposedly said when he thought that Tonks is in love with Sirius. There’s a kind of self-pitying tone and almost a sense that Sirius didn't deserve it or something. I personally imagine that Remus’ assumption of Sirius’ love life here is inflated, but it’s hard to say as we have nothing else to go on except teenage Sirius’ pin-ups. Nevertheless, I can’t see Remus directing equal bitterness towards James - he sees James an example of normality and therefore deserving of the things that Remus himself wants or admires in him, which I think are stability, likeability and eventually his own family.

The lasting effects of "the prank"

In isolation, these could be seen as small or surmountable incompatibilities but I think that the prank could foster some resentfulness from Remus regarding James & Sirius' closer friendship. It's a murky incident, but I personally see the 'prank' as a (if not the) catalyst in Remus’ doubt of Sirius. I don’t really see how a close call instigated by a friend where you would be solely implicated in the case of any fatal consequences couldn’t affect you personally and affect your friendships, even if most of it was kept under the surface. In fact, the under-the-surface attitude towards the prank is probably exactly what intensified Sirius and Remus’ eventual distrust of each other, and some fraughtness is evident in SWM. Interestingly we never pre-prank Marauder interactions (except J&S), which is interesting when SWM essentially functions as the defining snapshot of MWPP dynamics.

As much as Remus brushes ‘the prank’ off as an adult, I think it’s important to note the context of him having spent the last 12 years alone and finding out that he doesn't have two dead friends and a murderer ex-friend, but instead a dead friend, a traitor ex-friend and a framed friend (a net +1 friends), making him more willing to overlook the incident given the circumstances and the time that has passed since. There are also three kids and the actual traitor present, so I think that Remus downplays the prank to recalibrate focus onto Pettigrew, who is the bigger antagonist at that moment in time.

Remus has a pattern of avoidance which would make it extremely easy for him to be like “oh that? yeah that wasn’t a big deal, that’s all over with” even when Sirius and Remus’ post-Azkaban dynamic still has an undercurrent of Remus’ distrust in Sirius’ self-control, as we see from the way he restrains Sirius in the Shrieking Shack and afterwards in Grimmauld Place also. Arguably, these are both exceptional circumstances and not examples of Sirius' habitual behaviour. Outside of the Shack (finally confronted with his best friend’s murderer) and Grimmauld Place (unhappy family home), we see that Sirius is lucid, sharp, in control, when he meets with Harry and advises him during the Triwizard Tournament. After Voldemort returns, Sirius is visibly affected but composed for Harry, so he doesn’t need Remus to keep him under control but Remus clearly feels the need to intervene.

In many of the incidents where Remus steps in, Sirius is just expressing emotions, perhaps in a big and alarming manner, but he’s not really at risk of any dangerous or threatening behaviour (not denying that Sirius doesn't have impulsive episodes, the incident with Snape for example). By getting out of his chair, what is Sirius really going to do? I hardly see him coming to blows with Molly Weasley in front of half the Order + their kids but the point is that Remus is anticipating that he will do something disruptive or aggressive. A key part of the disconnect and discomfort between Remus and Sirius in my opinion is Sirius’ freedom to express unpleasant emotions without real consequence and Remus’ habit of restraint due to the implications of losing control as a werewolf: externalisation vs internalisation. Again, Remus doesn’t hold a loss of control or freedom of expression against James - only against Sirius, because the potential consequences of Sirius' loss of control were bigger (and involved Remus directly).

All of this, in my opinion, stems from the prank. The prank is also where I think that Remus would start to feel a stronger resentment towards James & Sirius' friendship, because his admiration of James and distrust of Sirius are incompatible and I think he'd see Sirius as undeserving of James' complete trust and loyalty. I think that he would want James to be angrier and take his side over Sirius', I think he'd see it as a black and white situation where Sirius is completely in the wrong. I think he'd be a bit like "he does shit like this and you STILL think the sun shines out of his arse" but he'd also be conflicted by that logic because he'd be like "well I'm a werewolf and you tolerate me so maybe it's fair enough that you let him get away with things" or maybe he’d just be relieved that James wasn’t angry at him, because he expects negative responses to the actions of the wolf.

Maybe the incident would elevate James further in his eyes, he might see it as part of James' fierce loyalty, maybe he would find it reassuring that James stands by Sirius even after a fuck up and it’s still okay, or maybe he would be resentful, like “I can't fuck up, and if I did would you defend me as hard as you’re defending him?”. In all scenarios, I think that Remus would nurse that resentment and distrust privately - he doesn't speak up in Snape's Worst Memory and it doesn’t seem like he ever voiced his suspicions about Sirius to James, or anyone at all. This is probably because he didn't think that James would believe him or tolerate him voicing concerns over Sirius’ loyalty, so he clearly understands James and Sirius’ friendship for what it is. I imagine that James probably thought the group were all equally close, or loved each other as much as he loved them all, and would be hurt by Remus and Sirius’ fraught friendship. Or perhaps Remus didn’t see Sirius as a threat to James specifically because of how close they remained after school. 

Ultimately, I think Remus would have found his individual friendship with James and his place in a group of friends more fulfilling than he would have found the lack of a mutual best friend disheartening. Jealousy, with Remus' character, I think is a given at times as it feeds into his self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness but I don't think it would have been a constant or overriding feeling. If anything, I think that his frustration with Sirius’ impulsive or unreliable behaviour would show up in the way he viewed James and Sirius’ friendship, and in turn he’d see Sirius as undeserving of James’ fierce friendship and loyalty, out of love and protectiveness for James more than self-pity. TL;DR: some jealousy, but mainly resentfulness.

Thank you if you've read all of this! Now you know why it takes so long for me to answer asks, I promise I'm getting to all of them if you sent one and it hasn't been answered yet <3

[backjustforberena]

I think the family would be even closer and more tight knit/happy if Rhaenys had been Queen. Viserys wouldn't have felt the need to keep pushing for a son so they might have been content to just have their little Princess and Aemma lives. Daemon would probably still be a bit of a brat but his seducing Laena probably wouldn't change at all.

But they'd probably all stay close at the Red Keep, able to be a family in the way they were growing up with cousins, aunts, uncles, everyone all close and together. I can't say always happy because my God were the daughters of Alysanne *tragic* but I doubt sincerely Rhaenys would let any of the younger Targs fall like they did.

I will say it before and I'll say it again... prior to Aemon's death, there was no "split" in House Targaryen. Whatever conflicts happened were not permanent, or threatening, nor did they pass on to the next generation.

The worst rifts that occur are between Alysanne and Jaehaerys - there are no feuds between their children (even if their children didn't always get along) and none that they pass on to their children or threaten the monarchy. You've got the Saera situation but that doesn't go anywhere or hurt anyone in the long term. With Rhaenys, Daemon, Viserys and Aemma - there was nothing to indicate any imbalance between them or any reason for them to harbour such feelings, before Baelon is named heir.

Admittedly, we know very little about them and how they interacted with one another during childhood - we don't even know where they lived, really - but I think no news is good news in this case.

But, then Baelon is named over Rhaenys. And when you have a woman who is passed over to become Queen, you've got a problem. When her husband is of a different house and her paternal house forsakes her, then her allegiances naturally shift and her priority becomes her husband and her children. That's a divide.

And one that can't really be fixed, even if any resentment or ambition is not passed on (Laena and Laenor don't bat for their mother or themselves, there's no evidence they are angry over it in the way that their father is and their mother tries to bury). When you have a weak King, and a second son with no purpose, who wants to go to war with anything that moves, you have an issue as well. When any of them see another as a threat you've got big problems.

If Rhaenys was Queen and was made the heir straight after her father's death... you've got absolutely none of that. You've got no frustrated ambition whatsoever. Viserys is happy as a country lord, Daemon would probably be sent out to the Stepstones as we have in canon but he wouldn't seek Rhaenys's approval the way he does Viserys's so that's good and, as you say, he probably marries Laena anyway. And Rhaenyra and Laenor could marry but if they did, there is not a chance in hell she's having kids that are not Laenor's.

And yes, I do think Queen Rhaenys would scare the s*** out of a teenager in order to protect her son. And she'd be upfront about it as well. A walk in the gardens and bam hit Rhaenyra with a "don't even think about it or it will be very bad for you".

Could things go wrong? Totally. And it's GRRM's world so... probably. But you get rid of a lot of strife there. You get rid of multiple inciting incidents that drove us on the way to the Dance, especially in the show.

[fratricideknight]

hello sweetie!! i wanted to ask you if you could give us your take on john winchester ? people have very different opinions on him and i’d love to hear yours.

hi!!! thanks so much for this ask. it took me a while to gather my thoughts, so there's a relatively long post ahead.

i think that people in fandom tend to go the route of woobifying a character until they can do no wrong in their eyes, or demonising a character until everything they do is wrong. this not only doesn't allow for nuanced takes, which should be possible to make for any well-written, complex character, but also leads to attempts to push blame onto characters instead of just... accepting that the circumstances themselves are shit.

maybe john and sam are similar after all, considering the way that neither of them are extended any due sympathy whatsoever by certain individuals. john, who knew nothing of the supernatural, on an otherwise normal night during which he fell peacefully asleep in front of the television, witnessed his wife be psychically pinned to the ceiling of his baby's nursery and explode in front of both him and his six-month-old. that's bound to change anyone. blaming john entirely for becoming incredibly paranoid over and controlling of his children, and not acknowledging the role of, i don't know, azazel? prince of hell? who engineered all of this?? is so ridiculous i can't even comprehend it. the circumstances are absolutely dreadful, and john wasn't left with much of a choice in the ways he could respond to it. not only would he most likely be driven partially insane by what he witnessed happen to his wife, he would also be led to worry about the safety of his children. killing azazel wasn't just about avenging mary, it was about extinguishing the threat that, for all john knew, could be out to kill his infant sons! what do you want him to do?? shrug it off and go on like nothing happened? cut his losses and get another mother for the boys?

as for how john specifically responded to this: he became a controlling douchebag, yeah. i have someone in my life who can be the same brand of peremptory dick as john, and there are times when i want nothing more than to punch john winchester in the face. it's one of the reasons i relate to sam so much. however, not once in my viewing of season 1 before i entered fandom spaces, did it occur to me that john might be an irredeemable monster and abuser. john trained his boys like soldiers rather than treating them like the children they were, but it's not like he did it for the hell of it. he thought they would literally die if they weren't prepared to fight off the supernatural threats which he was suddenly, in the worst possible way, made aware of. john was an ex-marine, which would of course influence how he would go about this. i'm not saying that john didn't do horrible things at times and that sam and dean's upbringing wasn't awful. he did, and it was. telling sam to not come back if he went to college, trying to punish him for having dreams of his own? making tween dean feel bad for not staying in a motel room 24/7 to take care of his younger brother? dick moves. the boys' childhood was claustrophobic, toxic, and miserable, and i do not blame either of them in the slightest for wanting to get out. however, it comes down to the matter of circumstance again: it's not like john did any of this for the hell of it! let me repeat myself: he thought. they were going. to be murdered. moving frequently probably wasn't just for the sake of cases, it might also have been because he was scared that they were being pursued by something.

as for some of the abuse claims that people make. ugh. please stop just making stuff up. if you want to take the idea that john was a monster and run with it, whatever. i don't care. but acting like that's actually canon? you're just shouldering your way into spaces where people who actually want to discuss canon can do so, and that's incredibly annoying. there is no canon evidence in the seasons which actually involved john as a character that he beat his children or was homophobic. they literally go out of their way in the episode 'Nightmare' to show that sam and dean know their childhood wasn't like max miller's. as some people have said, he doesn't need to have hit his kids for their childhood to have sucked; it was bad enough already! as for the homophobia claims. ughhhhhhhh. i feel like they come from a... specific sector of the fandom, who want to take any reprehensible trait of dean's and make it someone else's fault. like i said earlier, woobifying a character until they can do no wrong. "oh, dean can be a misogynistic and homophobic douchebag at times? clearly, this is all john's influence. oh, he treats sam badly at times? actually, sam is the one who abuses him!" i can somewhat get behind the idea of john expecting the boys to repress their emotions on some level; he was literally a marine in the vietnam war, and he raised his kids in the eighties and nineties. he expected them to put aside any issues they might have had about giving up an ordinary life and hunting azazel and just follow his orders. but the idea that he's some queerphobic monster who would beat dean upside the head for shedding a single tear is hilarious.

look at this fucking fruit. he never stops tearing up.

as a final point, let me just address that jdm is incredibly sexy. if you have a problem with me liking john, take it up with whichever higher power or force of nature made him so <3

[eisforeidolon]

So on the subject of John supposedly being an alcoholic [X], let's talk about what evidence there actually is in the canon that references his drinking.

In the pilot, Sam makes two quick references to John drinking - "he's probably working overtime on a Miller shift" and he's hunting deer at a cabin with "Jim [Beam], Jack [Daniels], and Jose [Cuervo]". Except taking that as evidentiary is ignoring the very obvious and important context that he says those things in front of and directly to Jessica, respectively. It's a very neatly normal explanation to give her for why Dean might not want to talk in front of her (about embarrassing family problems) and why Sam would be worried enough to take off in the middle of the night. John's not a monster hunter, he's an alcoholic on a bender with guns! When Jessica isn't in the room, the conversation becomes all about hunting, with no mention of alcohol - even when Sam is bringing up John's previous disappearances and questionable parenting choices? It's no longer part of the conversation.

The next obvious reference is Nightmare, where the quote is, "We're lucky we had Dad. [...] Well, it coulda gone a whole other way after Mom. I little more tequila and a little less demon hunting and we woulda had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out ok. Thanks to him." I think we can take this one at face value since there's no outside audience, but what does it really say? Definitively that John was less of an abusive drunk than Max's father, though that doesn't say hardly anything at all considering what it would take to be worse. Presumably that Sam & Dean were aware of John drinking at least sometimes to some extent, though "a little more/a little less" is pretty euphemistic in this context. Anything beyond that is putting a lot of mileage onto a pretty vague statement.

Another comment that isn't for an outside audience you could take to be about drinking is in Dark Side of the Moon, where Sam is talking about his "first real Thanksgiving" and when Dean says they had Thanksgiving every year, Sam dismissively says "We had a bucket of extra-crispy and Dad passed out on the couch." Sam is pointedly making a comparison between a big family togetherness meal at a table and the Winchesters getting a takeout bucket of chicken in whatever dodgy motel room with no especial fanfare. While I think it's not an unreasonable assumption to make that John was passed out after drinking, it is an assumption - alcohol isn't mentioned. Sam could be referring to him taking a nap on his day off from hunting rather than bothering to do anything special - Sam would clearly be disappointed in the lack of Normal Family Traditions either way (if he was yearning enough to enjoy someone else's big family Thanksgiving as a particularly happy memory). Even if John was drunk, we're talking about behavior on a holiday specifically about family togetherness in a broken family. Bad judgement? Yes. Alcoholic? Trickier question.

The last one I can think of/track down is in The Girl Next Door. It does explicitly talk about John drinking. When flashback!Amy is concerned about her mom's possible reaction to a minor spill, "Yeah, well, she has a temper. Sometimes. It's... no big deal." Flashback!Sam replies with, "My dad does, too. You don't want to see him when he's drinking." While I think Sam is clearly smitten with her and wants to relate to her? He doesn't have the same kind of need to lie and prevaricate in this situation as he did with Jessica. So I think we can safely say Sam has seen John drinking and that he sometimes has a temper when he does. How often that happens, though, and how much drinking is involved? Well, again, those are not details we can get from the text without adding a fair bit of interpretation in one direction or the other.

Are there any big obvious ones I'm missing? Or even smaller ones? It's been a while since my last rewatch and I just don't know the final few seasons very well.

Look, I'm not nominating John Winchester for Father of The Year. He's a complex and conflicted character with some clear faults who makes mistakes (just like his sons). It's one thing to recognize that - or to just dislike him! It's another thing to treat headcanons based on a few vague implications as canonical fact.

[designernishiki]

not sure why i was thinking about this but. here’s a long ass ramble about kazama

it’s interesting how kazama, despite being extremely influential on kiryu’s development and being highly revered or despised by so many characters in-game, has so little screentime that it’s very up to interpretation what he was like in non-crucial situations, what all his motivations and ideals were, how close he really was to kiryu (and nishiki), etc. most of what we have to go off of is hearsay and circumstantial evidence– ie, mostly what people say he was like and stories about/the effects of the things he’s done. he’s incredibly morally grey and though you can definitely pretty securely say something like “well at least he’s not shimano,” it’s hard to say anything more definitive.

yeah, he showed remorse after a number of years in the yakuza and actively tried to save the lives of some of his family’s enemies against direct orders– but the number of people he’s saved is far outweighed by the number of people he’s killed or had some part in killing, which is pretty literally countless given we don’t know how many people he killed during his time as a hitman, or in any other situations once he was dojima’s lieutenant and so on.

hell, the guy killed so many people that a whole orphanage was built specifically to house their children. the concept gets romanticized in game to some degree (understandably, because we’re usually looking at everything through the eyes of kiryu, who vehemently wants to idolize and honor him) but the more you think about it the more morbid it sort of becomes– especially if you consider how he then becomes the father figure to a handful of those children. He didn’t have mercy on all these kids’ parents, then he takes their role and watches the kids grow up the way they never could because of him.

On the other hand you can look at it as him feeling responsible for making sure these kids grow up housed and fed, because he orphaned them in the first place. but if that were the case with no caveats, then none of those children should’ve ever been allowed to drop out of school and join the yakuza, even if they protested and reaaalllly wanted to. they’re kids, they’re naive, it was his responsibility as an adult, as the one with all the power in that situation, and as the man who killed their birth parents and subsequently felt obligated to make sure they grew up alright, to not allow it by any means. moreover, just beating the shit out of them (which is problematic in its own right) and warning them that it’s dangerous isn’t affective at all because it’s impersonal and provides no alternatives to “be a yakuza (cool)” or “be a dead eyed salaryman (not cool)”.

It really makes me think he never took the liberty to ask about/encourage/take pride in their interests and passions growing up, because if he had, I’d imagine they’d have found individual likes and dislikes and aspirations, or at least would be more aware that there are more options, things to try, ways to live, etc, than just the bland view of “civilian” I think they must’ve had as teenagers.

TLDR: kazama is a morally grey person on whatever level but did not have the skills nor position in life to take on a parental role. to me, kiryu proves this later on with the contrast in how he runs his own orphanage; he becomes a civilian first, distances himself as far as possible from yakuza ordeals and doesn’t split his time between them and caregiving unless forced by extreme circumstances, he encourages the kids’ unique interests so they don’t resort to blindly wanting to follow in his footsteps, etc. obviously he’s not perfect either, but considering he had no singular decent models from his own childhood to follow, he did well, and clearly was doing it because he wanted to, not just out of guilt, pity, or obligation.

I could go into the dicey dynamic differences between kazama and kiryu versus kazama and nishiki, or the details of how kazama influenced kiryu’s personality and behavior as an adult, or a lot of other things, but I’ll save all that for another post (or two. or three.)

[flightfoot]

I've ben seeing post like "how can you not see the obvious are you blind?" When it come to the sentimonster theory stan especially in twitter and honestly I'm question myself what kind of "obvious sign" that they want me to see? I never really care about any theory and neither did my nieces, I never bother to look it up before. We just enjoy ml without thinking any conspiracy or theory behind gestures or body language so that obvious sign or heck even the theory that people been talking about is unknown to me until s4 come and that's because people keep posting about sentimonster every single day. Honestly even today I'm still can't see the sign or hint that people keep saying and I don't understand. Maybe I'm just blind like they said.

I don't know how much of season 5 you've seen, so I'll confine myself to episodes that have aired in English. Suffice it to say though, that later episodes in season 5 have gotten incredibly blatant about it.

The theory first gained traction in "Ladybug", when we found out that sentimonsters could be human and could have free will of their own, so long as they were holding their amok. If Adrien was a sentimonster, then that answered the question of what Emilie used the Peacock Miraculous for. There was also this weird emphasis on Sentibug being "perfect", which didn't make much sense on its own, but DID make sense when looking at how Adrien is often described as "perfect", since it drew a connection between Adrien and Sentibug. The evidence was purely circumstantial at this point though.

In "Felix", there's this weird emphasis on Gabriel cleaning both wedding rings, with them even seeming to glow, and lock together into one ring. Gabriel's also very freaked out when Felix steals his ring, and goes so far as to take his wife's ring to replace it. Freaking out about the wedding ring being stolen isn't weird, but replacing it with his wife's ring is kind of odd... but makes sense with the amok being divided between both rings, and Gabriel still wanting a way to control Adrien, even with his own ring being stolen.

In "Mega Leech", we saw Gabriel ordering Adrien to his room again, and Adrien meekly obeying. Not unusual, but the camera emphasized Gabriel twisting his ring while he did it, which makes sense if the show was conveying to the viewer that Gabriel was using the ring to force Adrien to obey.

Then in "Wishmaker", we find out that Adrien didn't have a childhood dream. A lot of emphasis is placed on him not remembering one. When he IS hit, he just becomes himself as a civilian, since his dream was to be whatever his parents wanted him to be. In addition, unlike everyone else who appeared to be somewhere in the 4-8 age range when they have their dream, Adrien was clearly an infant, lying on his bed in his crib. This seems odd, but makes sense if the akuma magic translated the wish and desire that was imbued in Adrien when he was created to be his childhood dream.

"Ephemeral" is what really got people to say "yeah, the SentiAdrien theory is probably true". In that episode, Gabriel orders Adrien not to leave the press conference no matter what, and words it in a similar fashion to his akumatization speeches. Even while an akuma is attacking, Adrien doesn't try to leave. Which is weird since he normally would, even if he's not supposed to, but makes sense if he literally can't disobey Gabriel's orders. Later on in the episode, Gabriel tells Adrien to obey him while twisting where the ring would be (under his Hawk Moth suit) and Adrien appears to resist... and then his face just goes blank and he says "Yes, Father". Most people who resist Gabriel and then give in don't go blank like that.

Risk emphasized it even more, with Adrien all set to give Gabriel a piece of his mind, and then meekly turning back when Gabriel said he was too busy. He also tells Marinette later that it feels like an invisible force is holding him back. AND Gabriel hands his wedding ring over to Nathalie when he entrusts her with Adrien. Plus, when Felix is pretending to be Adrien and Gabriel orders him to back down, Felix refuses, and Gabriel's taken aback and rubs where the ring was earlier. Then when Nathalie adjusts her glasses, showing off the ring Gabriel gave her, and gives an order, Felix backs off, since he knows that Adrien would be forced to at that point. Gabriel and Nathalie aren't surprised or wondering why "Adrien" disobeyed Gabriel, but gave into Nathalie.

In "Evolution", we see that whatever the Peacock Miraculous was used for, it was for something specific, as Gabriel asked her "are you ready?" and when she said yes, carried her off bridal style. This makes sense if they were about to use the Miraculous to make a baby.

So yeah. There's been a lot of evidence, even without delving into the episodes that Gloob's been airing out of order.

[isbergillustration]

There was something wrong with River. She herself was not entirely certain what it was, but she felt it. Not in the way her therapist suggested, not in a self-deprecating way, but on some more fundamental level. 

One day, four years ago, River woke up. Which was fine, everyone wakes up, but she woke up in a bed that was not hers in an apartment she had no memory of. Even the city of Alm she didn’t remember. Nor, even more alarmingly, did she recognise her face in the mirror. As anyone who found themselves in this situation did, she did some serious research before she tried reaching out to anyone about this. She remembered, after all, the world and how it worked, just not how she herself fit into it. 

Retrograde amnesia, that is, the loss of long term past memories, is a lot less common than the film industry would lead you to believe. One is much more likely to mess up ones ability to form new memories than one is to somehow delete the old ones. Childhood memories in particular are very well encoded in our brains. This is why old people losing their memory often seem to be stuck in the distant past, failing to remember who younger relatives are. 

River had learnt quite a lot about amnesia in the last four years. She had been to several doctors and had her brain scanned a few times, but they deemed her too well adjusted and functioning to prioritise what was wrong with her. Be grateful, one neurologist had told her, you might have repressed some terrible traumas that you no longer have to be aware of. This had seemed to River to be quite a callously practical approach, but maybe they had been right. Eventually she learned to get on with what was evidently her life.

She had woken up to some measure of security; a job as a barista, an apartment she rented across town, a small chunk of saved up money in the bank. She had to relearn how to do parts of her job, and call all manner of places to have all sorts of passwords reset, but when she lied about having experienced some head trauma most accepted this and were sympathetic. At least, she didn’t think she had suffered any head trauma. There were no wounds.

Eventually she learned to live with it. Sometimes it felt weird, like there was empty space in her brain that ought to be filled with memories, like there was a vacuum somewhere in her hippocampus, but she got on with things. Of course she spent time trying to figure things out, but she got no medical help, and very little information seemed to exist about her. Maybe she had only just moved here when whatever happened happened? There was no social media activity, no personal journals, no letters from friends or family. No photos. Nothing personal at all.

Over the years her attempts had gotten lazier and fewer. There did not seem to be any information out there about her, and her co-workers all said she had been fairly new. After a while dedicating her life to finding out who she was instead of simply becoming whoever she was now seemed less important. Because what if she found out she didn’t like who she was? If no one knew her, then what did it matter? So she had more or less stopped. Accepted that functionally her life begun a few years ago, and no one seemed to have missed her enough to find her.

There was also, River had learned in the last few weeks, something wrong with her neighbour. This was more than anything quite reassuring. He was a very nervous sort of man, and shorter than her, with dark hair styled in the fluffy undercut almost all trans men she knew seemed to favour. In most situations they had talked he would often look over his shoulder as if worried he was being watched. Perhaps he was one of those people convinced a team of government employees were surveilling him at all times. She knew a few people like that. But she hadn’t asked. The first time he came to The Green Place, her job, he spent a solid twenty minutes staring blankly at the window. Not through it, at it. But he didn’t seem to be on drugs or anything like that. Actually maybe he had gone off his drugs. That sometimes had that effect.

John seemed quite nice, apart from whatever was clearly haunting him. River didn’t really know all that many people apart from her co-workers and her girlfriend, so it was nice to get to know a neighbour. The thing was, when you told people that you had no memories older than four years, they tended to assume something was wrong with you, or else only wanted to question you on the specifics of it, and she found that quite tiring.

-

River sat on the bench outside The Green Place, enjoying the early afternoon sun as she took her break. She had made herself a cup of coffee, and wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on her skin for a little while. By the time her shift was over it would have set. For now, it was nice. 

Cars drove past, sleek and electric ones in this part of town, and less noisy and smelly than they might otherwise have been. A few trees were planted along the pavement, bright with yellow orange leaves. She could hear the bright song of the birds who remained over winter when there was a long enough stretch of relative silence. A crow landed on the bench beside her.

“Hello,” she told it.

Never hurt to be polite to birds. She had read enough fairy tales and fantasy novels to be certain of that. Besides, corvids were clever little things. 

“Here,” she said, breaking off a small piece of her sandwich and tossing it to the bird.

It looked up at her, blinked once, twice, and then picked it up in its beak. It was a hooded crow, charcoal grey mixed among the black feathers. After swallowing the piece of bread it hopped closer. Now she could see a small dully red tag around its left foot. It cawed softly at her.

“Greedy, huh? Well that’s fine. Here you go.”

She broke off another piece, this time including a little piece of chicken. Was it wrong feeding a bird to another bird? No, nonsense, no more than a human eating another mammal was wrong. It certainly did not seem to care.

“Oh, don’t encourage them or they’ll never leave,” Jeremy said, shooing the crow off and sitting down next to her.

He had an improbably tall mohawk and more facial piercings than she could count, and seemed to take delight in how poorly he fit in with their customer base. 

“Aww, come on. They’re friendly.”

“Sure, until they start ripping open the trash bags searching for food, and then I’m the one who has to pick it up before I open up.”

“I guess. You heading home?”

“At last,” he said with a nod and yawn.

“It’s only one in the afternoon,” she pointed out.

“Says the person who didn’t have to have it open by seven so the corporate fucks can get their overpriced lattes.”

“Fair.”

They sat for a moment, her sipping her coffee, him looking at his mobile. Then two crows landed in front of their feet. One was the same one, with the reddish tag. The new crow was slightly smaller. Maybe a mate? A family member? Jeremy groaned. He kicked his foot lazily in their direction, but they simply moved a little. The larger crow hopped closer to her feet, and dropped something.

“For me?” she asked.

Bending down to pick it up she saw it was a bus ticket. Used, granted, but she appreciated the gesture. That was the sort of thing you could do with corvids, wasn’t it? Build a friendship?

“See? They litter.”

“You’re very judgey. Speciecist. This young gentlebird is just giving me a gift in return. Here.”

She broke off two more pieces of the dwindling sandwich and tossed to the two birds. The larger one let the smaller have both. Then, it cawed at her, and they flew off. Jeremy shook his head. 

“Pests,” he muttered.

“Dude, you keep pet rats. Glass houses.”

“Pet rats are clean.”

He had extolled their virtues before, and showed her photos, and she did not disagree. They were pretty cute little guys.

-

River blinked. A noise had woken her up. It was disorienting, waking up. In her dreams she always flew. Looking down on the landscape beneath her, feeling the wind against her wings. Waking up always felt a bit like a trap.

She rubbed her eyes, and the book she had been reading when she dozed off slid from her lap and thumped against the floor. There noise came again. A knocking. She looked around, then saw a shape outside her window, dark against the warm glow from the street lights. Frowning she got up, taking slow steps towards it. A bird.

“What?”

She didn’t expect a reply, but the bird pecked at the glass again. A crow? Hesitantly she stood, opening the window. She expected the crow to fly away startled, but it stayed calm. It hopped onto her windowsill, and dropped something on her floor. It cawed softly, and then flew off into the darkness.

“What,” she repeated to herself, “the fuck.”

Bending down to examine it she saw it was one of those tiny modern Polaroid photos. Thick and plasticky, it showed a slightly blurred interior, and what looked liked a blurred golden shape. You really couldn’t get clear shots with those things, huh? She left the photo on the table and went to make herself a cup of tea and reflect on whether she shouldn’t encourage the birds after all.

[the1trueanon]

Idea 5: Vanessa visits the graves of her victims and sees ghosts

An idea that I've seen exceedingly few fics try and cover is Vanessa encountering the ghosts of the people whom she (as Vanny) murdered after the 3-star ending.

I am unsure as to how one would make this situation happen. Maybe it could be a dream.

A scenario that I like most has to do with the idea that Vanessa visits the graves of the children she (no vanny) killed. After she was freed, she reported the location of the bodies so that they could recieve a proper burial. Vanessa knows that it isn't enough, she doesn't think that she will ever be able to do enough to atone for what she did to all of those children (it wasn't you, it was Vanny.) At the very least she tries to go and visit their graves once a week, making sure to bring flowers for them everytime. Vanessa doesn't say anything during the visits, what is there to say? "I'm sorry?" Yeah right, as if SHE is deserving of forgiveness...

I really like it because there are a lot of things you could potentially cover, including:

How would the ghosts react to seeing the freed Vanessa? Would the children be enraged? If so, what would they do?

Or would they be able to see that the person in front of them is not really the same as the one who murdered them, not mentally, at least? Maybe (relating back to idea 2) the children who were taught by her would be able to convince the other children of this.

How about the therapists? They would likely be more willing to listen, being adults trained in understanding psychological conditions.

One could discuss how Vanessa has been dealing with having 2 sets of childhood memories, a fake abusive one (put there by Glitchtrap for reasons of trying to make her more obedient, which ended up failing) and her true, standard, evidently normal one. (in this universe patient 46 and their tapes didn't exist, save for that one line about lying about childhood, just pretend it was in one of Vanessa's tapes)

And, of course, we can't forget Vanessa. What would she do? It is most likely that she would curl up into a ball and await the punishment that she thinks she deserves (she doesn’t). After all, it is HER fault, right? (No, it’s Vanny's.)

If you include Gregory in this encounter, he, being the "no fear" gremlin that he is, would probably try and start to defend his… uh… paternal guardian of unspecified rank in some way, either by trying to explain that Vanny is no more, or try and actually fight the ghosts.

As you can see, there are many ways that I think someone can make a mini story out of this concept.

GHOST SIGHT NESSA GHOST SIGHT NESSA GHOST SIGHT NESSA

Oooouuugghhh her doing all she can to apologize to those kids? She woouuulldd. She's such a sweetheart, she'd do whatever she can.

The kids can definitely tell the difference though, I think. Especially if they were haunting the Plex before their burials? I think they'd be able to see Glitchtrap's presence around her, especially when Vanny is in control. That being said, if Nessa continues to see them around, they could probably warn her about others who've been affected by the virus as well, or even try to warn others if Nessa becomes infected again. (hrghrghrhrgrhrgrh we need a story with these two ideas now ooooo it would be so good) Ooooooo and Gregory being there too? Seeing them as well? Aaaaaa its so good -w- Especially with the idea of them trying to help others caught in the virus or Nessa getting affected again hehehe

Imagine like.....an afterstory where Nessa, Gregory, and GlamPlush Freddy are trying to stop the virus as best they can, with Nessa's friendly ghost entourage to help, but something happens during their "quest" and Nessa gets caught by (what I'm forever going to call) the Glitchtrap cult and exposed to the virus again. And now they're trying to find some way to stop the virus from fully taking over Nessa as well as destroying the virus if at all possible.

[father-time-and-baby-new-year]

happy 200! i’m so glad to see your blog grow, it’s one of my favorites and i adore all your writing. i’ve never cried so much and i love the kind of unsettling feeling you write in your fics, it’s perfect in the category of yandere and dark content. in particular, i loved your drabble about shigaraki mourning over a dead reader and i’ve reread that one too many times to count haha! as for asks for headcannons and drabbles, it would be amazing to see that with bully!eren especially since he was such an awful person to the reader. i’d love to see him suffer honestly, but if you don’t want to write it, that’s completely fine! once again, i’m so proud of you for hitting 200! that’s such a huge milestone and hopefully, there will be many more in the future! :)

SYNOPSIS: bully!Eren has to navigate the world without you.

Pairing: Bully!Eren x Fem!Reader

A/N: I can't even explain in words how much I CHEESED at this message like my grin was ear to ear. can't explain how many times I read this. It singlehandedly made my day anon, and to repay you for my happiness....here is some angst. this is a slightly different route than the shiggy one but I hope it still suits you <3

TW: mentions of death, past dubcon/noncon, mentions of trauma, bullying, alcohol addiction, drunk driving, abusive behavior, revenge porn, nonconsensual photography/videography, mentions of infidelity, angst, so much of angst, violent behavior

WC: 2.5k

It's not like Eren had been doing a lot of soul-searching. He's not delusional enough to label his half-assed epiphany of "maybe I'm a shitty person" as soul searching.

It's just the conversation with his very sick mother burned holes through the back of his mind. Carla had asked about you and why you don't come by the house anymore. How she missed baking with you in the kitchen, and how you sweetly smiled whenever you would see soft creamy peaks form in the meringue.

Eren felt like he was swallowing needles as he assured his mother with false truths, that nothing was going on and distance between childhood friends is natural, and if it means so much--ok ok he'll bring you over.

He stays until he sees her chest slowly rising and falling into a gentle asleep. He touches the tip of his ears, unsurprised by how hot it was.

Eren, when you tell a lie, the tips of your ears turn red.

You're not at school the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that.

Guilt is not an emotion he feels often but the events of the past weekend replay in his mind. It was just a dumb party that Floch threw, and he was surprised to find you cornered by a trio of thee dunderheads. Like a distorted fairytale, he swept you away from the bad guys like a knight in shining armor, to only shove you in an empty room and demand compensation for playing hero.

Fuck, with that big mouth, you would think that you'd know how to suck cock.

Use your tongue stupid slut. If you use teeth, I'll shove this dick in your ass without any prep.

No, I don't care, you're taking all of it.

There's a video on his camera roll. How could he not record it? You're sobbing, mascara running down your cheeks, looking so beautiful and ruined with jizz smeared at the corner of your mouth. He was brutally fucking your mouth, making you take all of his length.

Breathe through your nose dumb whore. Or else you're gonna run out of air.

You were pleading with whatever garbled sounds you were constricted into producing.

Breathe through your fucking nose. This is for your sake. Otherwise, I don't mind face fucking your lifeless body. You'd be more useful that way anyways.

Eren is conflicted with muting the video because he can't stand to hear himself like that. But he didn't want to miss out on your pitiful whines.

He remembers the distraught expression on your face when he was finally done with you. He tucked himself inside, and sneered, "I've got a girl coming here. Get lost." You looked so fucking distraught. Why? All he did was make you suck his dick. He didn't even fuck you.

He should have. Eren thinks grimly when he stares at your empty desk on the first day you didn't show up to school. He's gotten off to the video more than enough times than he can count over the weekend, and he was aching to see your pretty face twisted into a terrorized expression when he flipped up your skirt to grope your ass.

Kindly, Eren decides he'd allow you to have a rest day. But the second day, Eren pays a visit to your house finding it dark and locked, like no one was home and hadn't been there for a while.

On the third day, you're declared missing.

Your incompetent workaholic mother who finally came home and decided to give a damn reported you missing to the authorities who had scratched their heads because as far as they knew, the pivotal 72 hours were up.

Paradis was surrounded by forests. No one wanted to say it, but they were all thinking it. If you got lost in there, chances are you wouldn't make it out.

Eren wasn't always this admired and fawned over. He had his fair share of behavioral issues that frightened people (not you though, not then at least, not when you were children, and you still came back every day to play).

But when he channeled that anger into sports, there was somewhat of a star in the making, especially for some small-town boy. He was becoming extremely popular, and that's nice and all, but at the end of the day, he has a mother whose health was taking a sharp decline. He was constantly under stress, stress that he took out on you.

Where did his favorite stress-ball go?

It's all fucking surreal. Having detectives in the school. Not that there were many students to question (because christ, did you even have any friends after Eren turned everyone against you?).

Eren was questioned. He can't help but mirthfully chuckle. Maybe this was your grand plan, maybe you were able to finally sort out a mountain of evidence against him. If you were going to fuck him over, didn't you want to see it happen with your own two eyes?

The dark-haired boy wishes that was true. If you had gotten your revenge, would you be here? No, revenge isn't the right word. If you got any justice for what he made you suffer, would you come back?

Hi, I'm Detective Hange. I would like to ask you some questions today. You're Eren Yeager, right?

Yes, that's me.

How do you know ___?

We were childhood friends. We're uh, we're not as close anymore.

When was the last time you saw her?

Friday night at Floch's party-

-Floch Forster right? There were a number of kids there from your school.

Yeah. It was a big party. She uh, doesn't usually come to parties but she was there that night.

You were the last person to be seen with her. Other kids have said that they saw you and her entering a room together, and then only her leaving the said room.

[Sigh] Yeah we sorta...hooked up.

I thought you said you guys weren't close anymore.

You can be not close to someone and still hook up with them.

But you guys were close once right?

Yeah. Once.

The dark-haired boy asks if he was under any suspicion. The detective waves their hand in a dismissive gesture, “If her diary tells us anything, it’s only that she really liked you.”

Were detectives even allowed to divulge that sort of information? Eren doesn’t know but the stray detail that they offered off-handedly made him feel like he was swallowing needles.

At that point, Eren honestly still doesn't believe you're gone. You had a habit of running away, even when you were little kids, but you always came back.

Still, he participates in the search parties with a renewed vigor, even going alone in the forest with a flashlight on most nights.

And he's just so fucking tired. The darkest crevice of his mind almost wishes you were dead because this ignorance was just agony. Almost. Because he still clings to the feeling that one day, he’ll stroll into class and find you in your seat in the back of the class, looking out the window like some cliche shojo manga protagonist.

There are folders and folders on his phone. Albums. The most recent one is dedicated to your crying face as you were choking on his dick. Earlier albums are composed of creepshots of your panties, of that obscene o-face, of your skirt flipped up and your ass cheeks, pictures of your cleavage, videos of you thrashing as he dunked your head into toilets like a villainous middle school bully.

Pictures of your neck covered in hickeys, your naked breasts, ass cheeks striped with red after getting spanked, your leaking cunt, just endless and endless media dedicated to pieces and pieces of your body like you were never a whole person.

The earliest ones though tell a different tale, from off-guards to your drooling face as you napped in the middle of the day.

He has a favorite picture. Your eyes are watery from the cold, snowflakes stuck between lashes, nose and cheeks flushed red, and you're smiling. Smiling right to the camera. Right at him.

"Eren, are you taking a picture?" You asked, bouncing in place, giddy that it was finally snowing.

"Not of you, shut up. Get out of the way." His voice is gruff but not harsh.

You laughed and jumped into frame anyway, and the bright streetlamp behind you made you seem like you were wearing a halo.

He wishes he had more pictures of you being...yourself. Because now your crying face displayed over countless pixels haunt him. But like a fucking degenerate, he still jerks off to all the nudes he coerced from you. Sometimes he cries when he's jerking off which is probably the most pathetic thing he's ever done. This is what you've reduced him to.

He hates the sound of his own voice.

Breathe through your fucking nose. This is for your sake. Otherwise, I don't mind face fucking your lifeless body. You'd be more useful that way anyways.

Eren goes through the motions of life without really feeling like he's in the moment. Seasons change and time flies. His mother dies, and his withdrawn father dies a year later. He proposes to Mikasa because it's something he was always supposed to do. She loves him unconditionally, so even when he doesn't put any effort into the relationship but proposes, she says yes hoping he'll change and be a good husband.

He doesn't go to his parents' funerals because they're already dead. What's the point. He doesn't visit the candlelight vigils in your honor either. After tearing his ACL again and a somewhat traumatic injury, he kisses his pro-football career goodbye. To be totally honest, he's relieved. Because he had gotten quite bored, and maybe he was looking for excuses to quit the entire time. It's not like you'd be cheering on the bleachers anyways.

Mikasa has an affair, more out of a desire to see her fiancé feel something for her as opposed to any burning lust. But when she asks him if he's ever cared at all, with tears springing out of her eyes, he's just calmly drinking his fifth of whisky.

The dark-haired man doesn't even look up, "Let's break up."

"Is this about her, huh? Fucking get over it already Eren. She's GONE. And you have some big fucking audacity moping about her death like you weren't making her cry in the bathroom stalls every fucking day you piece of shit."

"Get out."

"You know what, I bet she killed herse-"

SMASH

The dark-haired woman doesn't finish her rant because the whiskey bottle smashes on the wall next to her head, sending glass everywhere and staining the carpet amber. She's unharmed, knowing it wasn't Eren's intention to hit her but Jesus Christ, what a monster.

She packs her bags and leaves the town like she should have a long time ago. All her friends had left years before and she stayed behind because that's where Eren was. She thanks her lucky stars that they didn't marry.

It's funny because he had always imagined himself being the first to move out of their small town, but he's the one staying. He can't leave this place. feels too tethered to ever leave. Every diner and liquor store is saturated with memories of you. He remembers buying cigarettes and exhaling the smoke to your face to piss you off in empty parking lots.

Maybe he stays in case you'll come back.

Eren's days consist of alcohol-fueled hazes. He doesn't know how his liver is still functioning. He doesn't know he's still alive after crashing his car into a tree when he was drunk out of his mind. He was on his way to get some more vodka.

He barely recognizes himself in the mirror anymore, not that he looks at himself much. His hair is long, nestled around his shoulder because he couldn't be bothered to cut it, dark circles under viridian eyes, and a perpetual stubble on his jaw.

His parents had left quite a sizable inheritance so there's no need to work but he's good with his hands. Likes crafting up birdhouses and cabinets, and occasionally does odd jobs around the neighborhood, never charging the elderly.

He's under the sink, tinkering with a wrench against the pipes when he hears the old lady coo at him.

"We're so lucky to have you Eren. I'm surprised a handsome young man like yourself doesn't have a special lady. The girls must be lining up at your door!"

The dark-haired man winces, and offers no comment, knowing that that the older lady was susceptible to long tangents.

"You know, we're getting a new neighbor." Eren grunts as a response. "They're young, I've heard. Isn't that exciting? Oh my, Eren! I think they're gonna be living in the house right next to yours..."

He tunes out the rest of the conversation because doesn't really care. He just hopes his new neighbors are quiet.

It's Sunday noon when obnoxious noises of moving trucks and people wake him up from his deep slumber. Eren's annoyed to wake up despite the fact he's probably been sleeping over 15 hours. He oscillates between getting too much sleep and getting none, his sleeping habits completely dependent on his dreams.

His nightmares are too visceral, visions of your corpse asking him if he'd enjoyed hollowing your soul with his teeth.

His dreams are achingly sweet. You in your prom gown, shining so iridescently like diamonds were sewn into the silk. He's dancing with you, holding you close, and then after you guys go to your favorite diner and gorge on burgers and milkshakes.

There's a peal of distinctly feminine laughter that stirs up Eren's senses. He's so pathetic, was the mere sound of a woman laughing getting him excited?

He sighs. He thinks of the whore he's frequently visited because of her resemblance to you. Hair color, skin color, face shape--with enough alcohol, he could really convince the person beneath him, was you. Maybe it's time to give her a call, but she's gotten so fucking needy and he hated how her voice didn't match yours.

The green-eyed man peers from the lace curtains, irritated by the brats playing on his lawn. A full family next door? Great, just what he needs.

The friendly knock on his door breaks him out of his daze. He contemplates whether he should answer but on the second more muted knock, he lets his feet guide him.

He turns the knob.

And Eren Yeager completely shatters.

Because it's you isn't it? You're the person standing in front of him? He can hear what you're saying but he doesn't really register it, soaking in the cadence of a voice he had long forgotten because all he had were pleading whimpers and frenzied moans stored on his cell.

He's shaking. Is he dreaming? He's dreaming, right? He knows it's you. You're older, far more beautiful than he's ever seen you. You have a different hairstyle, wearing clothes he would have mocked you for, and there's this joyfulness within you that makes you glow.

There's a mess of emotions electrifying in the pits of his stomach from euphoria, anger, and dread. He could feel his skin growing clammy like he was about to vomit at any second.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Doe eyes full of concern peer up at him. He voices out the syllables of your name like a desperate prayer.

You tilt your head to the side, "How do you know my name?"

[myimaginestories191105]

The only victory over love is flight. King Edward the elder.

To The Masterlist.

King Edward the elder X Reader. The last kingdom.

I decided to write about King Edward because I saw that there are almost no imagines about him and about an interesting character like him you can write more than you think.

Based of the prompt: "The only victory over love is flight."- Napoleon.

Word count: 2,414

"Do not do this (Y \ N)! The king will not easily take your disobedience!" My little sister's voice did not cross my mind. But it will not help, I made a decision! I decided to help Æthelflæd the lady of Mercia, save her people and her country from the Danish threat.

The problem was that your king, Edward King of Wessex, Lady Æthelflæd's brother was unwilling to help her as he thought it would harm Wessex and that he had no choice but to wait for the Danish army to weaken and then attack together, but the problem was that by that time there would be no Mercia to defend.                                        

You were one of King Edward's strategies and advisers whom you knew from childhood as a result of your father being one of the most loyal people to Edward's father, King Alfred. You have always been close to Edward, since your childhood, but as the years went by you moved away.

To be precise, Edward has distanced himself from you. Since King Alfred died and Edward inherited his crown, his heart has become harder and harder. It is true that at first he distanced himself from you and stopped treating you as his closest friend, but after he became such a difficult person and his soul began to darken you did not want to continue to be his closest friend anyway.

But you had one problem, which is exactly why you stayed with King Edward and your loyalty to him was that you were in love with Edward from your childhood, of course you never told him that. Even though the crown changed him badly, you still saw in him the young man you fell in love with years ago. But now that he refused to help his sister when he landed in immediate danger it was difficult for him to identify the man you loved. Although you had a hard time admitting it, apparently the weight of the crown killed the man you loved. The Edward you fell in love with no longer exists.

"You made Cnut believe she murdered his eldest son," you asked Uhtred, the greatest warrior you've ever met. You joined him and Lady Æthelflæd on their way to the battlefield on horseback with soldiers. Some would say "betrayed" by King Wessex in your actions, but your actions were the right thing to do.

"It was the only way to ensure Æthelflæd's safety and buy us time to get into battle." Uhtred argued in his defense.

"True, but all of Cnut's army and all of his allied armies will chase after you and not rest until you die. Do you realize you're in the greatest danger of life you've ever faced?" You asked and the concern was evident in your voice.

"I told him that," Æthelflæd remarked, "but it does not matter now, we will face them in battle and win."

"To win we will need the Wessex army and your brother did not take lightly your and your mother's disobedience." You told Æthelflæd and saw how her expression fell and how she struggled not to cry. You knew Æthelflæd from your childhood like King Edward and knew how to read her facial expressions and behavior. She was hurt by her brother.

"Do you think Edward will abandon me?" Æthelflæd asked and turned her broken gaze to me.

"He's just scared of the fight for whatever reason," Uhtred said, "I swear we'll get along without him and win as always."

"I think the thing that hurt the king the most is your and your mother's disobedience and it hurt his honor. You forced his hand and that's what bothers him the most now" You replied to Æthelflæd and disappeared from Uhtred's comment.

"What I can not understand is why you are here." Said Uhtred and turned to me.

"Do the right thing and do not abandon Æthelflæd in time of need" replied immediately because Uhtred did not like your look and wanted to move on to another topic.

"And for that I thank you," said Æthelflæd, "but the three of us know that you love my brother, so your presence here surprises even me."

"Your brother is not the same man he was, the crown changed him and cast a black cloud on his soul, so I turned his mouth and came here." You replied.

"The King will not take your disobedience lightly, so if you ever need rescue or help, I will provide you with total protection." Said Uhtred.

"I thank you, Uhtred but I hope it will not be necessary."

When you got to the place where the battle was going to take place, you noticed an army that no one expected, the Welsh army, the king claimed to have been sent by our king Edward. You, Æthelflæd and Uhtred knew it could not be, Edward seemed to have abandoned his sister. The battle had only one explanation: Æthelflæd's mother caused it on behalf of her son King Edward.

But you did not have time to think about it at this time, the battle was about to start and also with the Welsh army and the Marcia people who survived after the Danish invasion and were not taken by Æthelflæd to destroy and plunder and rape in the land of the Danes. You'll need Edward's help and it does not look like you'll get it.

"It seems your mother was worried about helping you from a distance." Said Uhtred to Æthelflæd when you were mounted to their summit and all your army was behind you, the Welsh army in front of you. Soon the armies began to disperse to prepare the ground for battle, we planted so that only with wisdom and advance preparation would we be able to win.

"And I'm grateful for that, but I do not believe that Edward left me with my country's problems alone," Æthelflæd said, "and of course I can not understand how he did not come to your aid." Æthelflæd's gaze passed to you.

"We'll have to win without Edward's army," you said, "but tell the soldiers he's coming soon, it's important that they have any hope of winning this battle."

The Danes arrived two hours later and the battle began. The Danes lost many soldiers only on arrival because we made them fall into a pit and slaughtered them there. Everything seems to be going well, even though you were in the minority of soldiers, you managed to outwit the Danes enough times to make the situation clearer for you.

Until a certain moment in battle, when women in battle reach a point where they may be raped and captured, you tend to choose a man you trust and he tends to be in your area on the battlefield to end your life quickly. You chose Uhtred, but did not really believe that such a moment would come, years of fighting battles and such a thing has never happened. And the moment has indeed arrived.

You have lost your sword and the Danes around you have understood who you are, one of the most powerful women in Wessex and loyal to King Edward.

"Lady (Y\N), grab her!" Shouted one of the Danes and horror attacked you and froze you in your place and immediately you felt Uhtred's arms around you and his knife touching the light of your neck while with his other hand his sword was drawn towards the Danes.

"Uhtred did it!" You said right away and you got the death on you, death at the hands of a great warrior who was your best friend, an honorable death on the battlefield and it was much better than fate expected you with the Danes to lay their hands on you.

"I can not." Uhtred whispered to me, "Stay away!" He shouted at the Danes. But they realized that Uhtred would not be able to end your life.

"Since you are King Edward's faithful bitch I will give you the right to choose which of us will own you first." Said the ugly Dane who spoke first and the other Danes cheered around him.

"Uhtred please!" You begged.

The Dane seemed to be about to say something more, but he could not because an arrow pierced his neck and he fell dead. It was Edward, Edward King of Wessex, who did not abandon his sister and land and came to the battlefield. He got off his horse and could see how his black eyes began to turn black with anger, Edward all fighting like crazy. You and Uhtred took advantage of the confusion between the Danes surrounding us in these moments and he released me and gave you your sword as you continued to fight.

You defeated the Danes in an overwhelming victory against all odds, but the price you paid was enormous. Great losses on both sides. Which is sure to aggravate Edward's reaction.

After winning the battle you tried to dodge Edward. You knew you owed him a huge thank you for saving your life, but you also knew he would not be happy that they would force him to get into a battle he did not plan to go to and sterilize after understanding how the Welsh were persuaded to join the battle, only God knows what Edward will have to give them.

You saw Uhtred and Æthelflæd hugging and it seemed Uhtred was trying to encourage her. Understanding a hand she had already talked to her brother and approached them.

"(Y \ N) Do not let Edward humiliate or treat you disrespectfully. If he tries to come to Marcia, you can stay with me and advise me for a while until his anger subsides." Said Æthelflæd.

"He's nervous isn't he?" You asked, "And he let his anger come out on you?"

"He demands to see you. You should find him and see for yourself if your condition is serious and to what extent." Uhtred suggested, "and let us know, I will not leave the battlefield until I know you are protected at least for now." Thanks to Uhtred for his offer and you went out looking for your king, you knew you had to talk to him and that there was no point in evading the conversation that awaited you. You knew that converting his mouth would come with consequences.

"my lord king," you said when you saw Edward standing alone beside his horse after handing out orders to his men, "I must thank you, if it had not come at the right moment I too would have been among the dead at best." You said you were standing next to him.

"I did it because no man would rape a woman in his presence," Edward replied coldly, "I did not take your betrayal easily."

"I could not abandon your sister in the situation she was in. She practically simply sent herself to the lion's mouth. This without mentioning that if Mercia had fallen Wessex would have been the only Christian kingdom that stands against the Danes so in the end she too would have fallen."

"These are my considerations and not yours!" Shouted Edward and you saw his deep blue eyes turn black, "I ordered you to stay in Wessex and you had no right to run away and go help my sister!"

"I had no right not to obey you," you said calmly, not daring to raise your voice against your king, "but it was the right thing in my eyes to do and I could not stop myself."

"That my mother and sister objected and acted against my decision is not surprising," the king said angrily and approached me, "but I never expected you to do so. I knew you did not agree with my decision, but I was sure you would respect it."

"Why didn't you expect that to happen?" You asked, the look in Edward's eyes reminded you of the look that that kid you had been with and loved since you could remember. "I grew up with your sister too, and if I thought any of you were wrong I always said and acted accordingly."

"In quarrels between children you were the arbitrator between me and my sister, but these are the subjects of the kingdom and I am the king who is not she!" The king claimed and grabbed his face with his hands, "How could you think I would expect you to do such a thing?"

"Maybe you used to watch, now you don't …" you said in a whisper and then Edward completed you, "because I was away from you, if we were as close as I used to be I would watch your actions."

"Right." You said, "You would have watched that easily." The resentment was evident in your voice.

"It's more complex than you think (Y \ N)," Edward said, calling back your first name and approaching you, which made you realize that a personal conversation was going to develop here, "I really missed you."

"Is that so?" You asked, stunned. Edward was really close to you now, "If you missed me why did you stay away from me?"

"I was scared," Edward said, stroking your hair, "I became a king and because I was afraid of losing you and losing control so I just walked away from you."

"And you almost lost me anyway." Whispered, staring into Edward's deep blue eyes, "I still do not understand."

"I stayed away from you because I was afraid that the love I have for you would only hurt us and the kingdom, and if there is one thing I learned from my father it is that The only victory over love is flight." Edward was so close to you, and he did not resist his desire to kiss you and within a moment his lips were on yours for a gentle kiss for a few seconds.

"So you're going to keep dodging me?" I asked.

"I'm going to make you my queen," Edward said with a smile and hugged him immediately.

"A king should always listen to the advice of his queen. I will not forget it again." Said Edward when you were in his arms. You were happy, and you knew you would be able to bring back Edward's kindness when you filled him with unconditional love. And this battle was indeed just the beginning of a married life full of support and love.

......................................................................................................................

My posts and their content belong to me and I demand respect for that. It is therefore forbidden to take my works and share them anywhere else without written permission from me. Thanks in advance for understanding and hope you continue to enjoy and read the rest of my work.

[elvendorx]

Hi! First off. I love your blog and how you write about James and Sirius they are✨everything✨

But, I was wondering what your views and opinions are on each of their individual relationships with Remus and Peter.

Firstly thank you! It’s my mission to put more j/s out into the world so I’m glad my particular brand of it resonates with other enjoyers <3 I love this question but unfortunately various deadlines and then me just being a messy, inconcise writer have delayed it to the two months mark 💀 so hopefully you’re still interested & it was worth the wait! I’ve edited it to death and it’s still this long so buckle in & multiple apologies 

~

The little that we do know of James and Remus’ friendship gives the impression of a really genuine, nurturing, trusting one, and helps to bridge that gap between the arrogant bully we see in SWM and the good guy Sirius and Remus tell us that James becomes later. James supported Remus financially post-Hogwarts, became an Animagus for him, and then there’s the “furry little problem” comment that Remus bursts out laughing at and looks “slightly more cheerful” at the memory of. 

I think that one line says a lot about James and Remus and establishes a shared sense of humour. It’s a very “raised by older parents” thing of James to say, it’s weirdly gentle and tactful from someone who doesn’t show that in any of the memories we see of him but it’s also quite light and optimistic about Remus’ “little problem” as something they can solve together. James, like Remus, probably spent a lot of his childhood with his parents so I think they’d both have had quiet evenings in by the Wireless with biscuits and hot chocolate before bed and homemade jumpers and grandad slippers so despite James being very loud and Remus not knowing how to really interact with other kids despite wanting to, they would ‘get’ each other on a home life level that would bridge the difference in wealth and with the werewolf thing.

I think that James makes Remus feel more normal and his brand of carefree, casual, cocksure acceptance would make him Remus’ main source of support in terms of friends. The time that Remus knows James (meeting him in first year to James’ death) directly correlates with the happiest, most stable time in his life. When James dies he has lost all of his friends and James’ financial support so James is a literal stabilising force in his life, so James would have been Remus’ go-to when he wanted to talk serious werewolf stuff. I see James plopping down next to Remus on his bed being like “talk to me, I’m listening” and Remus finding it easy to open up that way. They’d be familiar enough to have little in-jokes that are just the two of them whereas I think Remus and Sirius wouldn’t have that closeness. (Not a j/s post but I also like to think of Remus just giving James this wry eye-contact re:Sirius like ‘lol u got it bad’ and James being all ???!!! back at him).

OTOH I see Sirius and Remus’ friendship as more distant and a friendship of two halves. On the one hand there’s a consistent mutual respect.  Remus includes Sirius in his praise of him - “your father and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did” - and Sirius evidently regards Remus more highly than Peter because he engages and jokes with him in SWM which shows a shared sense of humour. I think Sirius would respect Remus’ magical abilities as being close to his and James’ in the same way that he doesn’t respect Peter for his lack of relative magical ability. I think a lot of their discussions would about wizarding politics and the technical possibilities of magic so they’d probably get on quite well with the Marauder’s Map project (but also lol at Sirius being like “Remus, just let me do it, I know what I’m doing and I’m quicker” and taking over and Remus going all mutinous). However, Sirius also rebuffs Remus’ attempts to engage in SWM, showing an element of impatience and a sense of tension, instability and misunderstanding to their friendship (more on this in a separate post bc this one is Long).

A big thing for me that inhibits me from reading Sirius and Remus as particularly close is the mutual distrust and suspicion of the other as a traitor. I have always thought that this was a gradual thing that built up over years. To suspect a friend of ten years of being a spy is huge so I think the prank intensified and maybe accelerated it but it wasn’t the origin of the breakdown in trust. Notably it was a spy in the Order, not a spy just out of the Marauders, yet both Sirius and Remus suspected each other out of everyone else. I think that the tension would be unspoken but mutually felt and it would come from fundamental differences like their different backgrounds, and on Remus’ end a resentment of Sirius’ freedom to be reckless and impulsive and get nothing more than a detention for it when Remus being reckless could lead to dangerous consequnces (even though that didn’t really stop him being reckless on several occasions). 

I also feel like Sirius would have a more clinical, less tactful, though still very supportive, approach to Remus’ lycanthropy and he’d discuss werewolf issues from an intellectual/social/political perspective rather than really engaging with Remus’ experience (at least until he actually sees him transform) which might seem dismissive to Remus. I also think that Remus would question Sirius’ support because of the Black family’s reputation, enough so that when the prank happens that background suspicion would be vindicated. It’s said a lot that Sirius would never have sent Snape to the Shack if it was James who were the werewolf, and that’s an important distinction between James and Sirius’ close relationship & Sirius and Remus’ more neutral and separated friendship.

At the same time there must be genuine friendship there somewhere because they reunite very easily in the Shrieking Shack, hugging like brothers and calling each other “old friend” and they sense/assume capability to kill Peter and the desire for revenge in each other which suggests that they know each other well. I do think that a lot of that comes from the adrenaline of the situation, and that the combination of relief, familiarity, nostalgia, revenge, desperation, grief, etc, would heighten that joy at being reunited. I think that they experience those emotions alongside each other rather than because of each other, routed through James and their experience of knowing and losing him rather than an especial attachment to each other specifically, though. Their joint venture of avenging James positions him as a central touchstone in their friendship. When Harry goes to them for reassurance after SWM, they’re both just remembering James and Sirius’ acknowledgement of Remus is all about separating him from himself and James. The main thing they have in common is James, imo. The discovery of Peter as the traitor removes the main internal conflict of their friendship, as well as external conflicts (i.e. impending war, Harry’s chaotic life) superceding any personality differences or annoyances. 

Convenience also plays a big part in their post-PoA friendship. They’re a mutually beneficial, easily accessible source of familiarity and nostalgia for each other, a parallel reminder of James and their youth when they were both happier. Things like “lie low at Lupin’s” and Remus living at Grimmauld Place are measures of convenience rather than closeness when scrutinised. Grimmauld Place is Order HQ and Remus is single and unemployed, obviously he’s going to choose to be around people and have free food and shelter (plus Tonks is there a lot). Before that Sirius that lives in a cave eating rats even though he probably could live with Remus because at this point it’s not widely known that he’s an Animagus but he doesn’t. (Would Remus even want him there?)

It doesn’t seem like they’re in touch at all until then either? Dangerous, etc etc, but these are supposedly the kids who snuck around school as animals undetected for years and one of them has escaped Azkaban so it would have been feasible to be in contact if they’d wanted to. It’s also significant to me that Sirius didn’t leave Remus anything in his will despite him struggling financially (vs James actively helping Remus out) and Remus is like..fine after he dies. It’s understandable because they were separated for longer than they initially knew each other. They were obviously friends, but different and more distant in comparison to their individual friendships with James. It all culminates for me in a friendship that is based on a shared youth, on the memory of freedom, on love for a mutual friend, on existing in the same place at the same time, on mutual respect for magical ability, on curiosity for the constraints of magic, on holding the same values but still being fundamentally different people.

I don’t think that the Marauders were a particularly equal group anyway but with Peter specifically I think it was more an illusion of equality and inclusion that James and Sirius think is ‘enough’ for Peter but that Peter finds it lacking. James and Sirius definitely don’t view him as equal with Remus, but they also spare him from the kind of bullying we see Snape get, despite Snape being more capable and logically worthy of their respect (were he not interested in dark magic or ugly, I guess).

I think that James and Peter’s friendship was the most mutually transactional. Peter’s inclusion in the group was social security for him first and foremost and James’ ego also got stroked a lot from having Peter around. James would pat himself on the back for being friends with someone like Peter lmao. All we see of James and Peter’s dynamic is James saying to Peter: “How thick are you, Wormtail?” and Peter openly adoring James when he plays with the Snitch and James lapping it up. Despite the derision and harshness, Peter actively feeds James’ ego, which isn’t a sustainable dynamic for a genuine friendship and it clearly irritates Sirius. I think that’s more Peter performing a role for his own continued benefit rather than him being stupid enough to not notice that James is being a dick though.

The combination of Peter’s capabilities being underestimated by his friends and James’ sense of duty and love towards his friends would foster a lowkey mentor/pupil, big brother/little brother dynamic but it would boost James’ ego while treating Peter as less intelligent than he actually was. I’m sure Peter benefited from it (Animagus transformations) but I can see James playing into it more heavily than necessary. However James and Peter are the two with the most typical childhoods and upbringings, so I think it would be an easy casual one-on-one dynamic, they’d have a lot of common experiences, a lot of the same reference points that Remus missed out on and Sirius’ family didn’t approve of that would make them feel close but they’re just opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of confidence, wit, popularity that beyond that I don’t think they’d have a lot in common except their shared high opinion of James (!) and there would be a lot of James talking at Peter and Peter agreeing. I don’t think Peter would be that into Quidditch beyond maybe the glory of it and James overlooks this with Sirius and understands why Remus isn’t into it but with Peter he’s like how what why ?? 

Ultimately unequal but I think James has that ability to make you feel like you’re the only person in the world when it’s a one-on-one thing and that would be something that Peter would strive for all the time but never quite get. I definitely think that James thinks he loves Wormtail but whether he actually does or treats him like he does is an entirely different thing.

With Sirius, we only see him treat Peter with contempt and I don’t think it’s oversimplification to accept this basically at surface level. I don’t think Sirius ever really respected Peter and generally regarded him as weak. Even Sirius’ irritation at James showing off with the Snitch is diverted through Peter in a way designed to humiliate Peter and relieve James of responsibility and to distance James from Sirius' reproach whilst giving Peter the full force of it and I think that shows how disposable and irrelevant he was to Sirius. (It’s not that far off some of the comments he makes about Snape and Kreacher.) 

This is a relationship Sirius would have had to work really hard at. Peter is the friend he is always irritated at and is mentally like "god just go away just fuck off". Sometimes he'd be like "aw he's not that bad I should be easier on him" but he mostly never is. Sirius likes Peter most as a rat, unironically, because for Sirius that’s probably when he sees the most potential in Peter. The way Peter works so hard to please James (and James’ acceptance of his attention) would irritate Sirius. Sirius loves James and makes a lot of allowances for him but he would find Peter’s sucking up degrading and embarrassing and think less of him for it, like “I like James more than you but you don’t see me pissing myself over him”. 

Peter I think was scared of Sirius, because of Sirius just being openly hostile but also because of his family. Peter would suck up to Sirius in the same way he did James but it doesn’t work on Sirius and Peter is like “well idk how to act then” so he’s constantly trying to find ways to get Sirius to like him and falling short so eventually he plays into Sirius’ underestimation of him (very successfully, clearly). I think Sirius’ whole “nobody would suspect him because he’s so stupid” sentiment grew in hindsight but existed somewhat at the time of choosing Peter as Secret Keeper. Sirius would never knowingly do something that he thought would even slightly risk James' safety so I completely believe that he trusted Peter and believed in a vague mutual understanding of friendship despite his lack of patience and respect for him. 

(Sorry this is SO FUCKING LONG, esp the Sirius & Remus bit bc I always feel I have to justify that one more, plus there’s way more in-text stuff for them. Once again ty for the ask! <3 Loved answering it, hate myself for being inarticulate but oh well)

[hansolmates]

shiver | 01 (m)

banner done by the wonderful @dnrequests​

summary; jungkook changed since he moved out of his small town church community and attended college. when he returns for a christmas mass, you suddenly crave a taste of his fun and carefree life. in exchange, jungkook craves a taste of you pairing; bad boy!jungkook x church girl!reader genre/warnings; childhood friends to lovers, brief childhood friends to enemies, fwb!au, catholic guilt, jungkook is a meanie who eventually turns into a soft tsundere, bicuriosity, sexual exploration, virgin!oc, eventual smut—in this installment: touching over the clothes, mc is hornee, *pulls out cards against humanity* “a gentle caress of the inner thigh”, panty kissin, mc is a big ol’ pushover and hopeful for jkk:(( w/c; 1.9k a/n; it’s here! aaaaaa!!! i’ve been really eally realllyyyyyy nervous to post this. even though this is just a drabble series  let me know how you feel about it! enjoy [shiver masterpost]

“Oh, you’re so dead.” 

Jeon Jungkook isn’t thaaaat buff, he's more of a skinny kind of muscular. You don’t understand the hype, why everyone croons over Jungkook’s strength and physique. However, how else could you explain Jungkook being able to climb the currently dilapidated fire escape to the top floor of the chapel. The ladder is rusted beyond repair and is definitely a fire hazard rather than a fire escape. Yet he barely breaks a sweat doing it, and he wipes the minor sheen off his brow with the back of his hand. There’s some soot and whatever nasty residue from the fire escape that gets on his face, a black streak marring his already annoying face. He’s currently wiggling his fingers in a sarcastic “hello.” It makes you sneer, your two consciousness (inappropriate and appropriate) warring against each other to determine whether you still find this man attractive or not. 

Convincing yourself that Jungkook is ugly is the worst quick-fix idea you’ve ever had. 

The words of your Aunties, the family friends in the church, echo in your ears. Jungkook’s bad. They’d say over and over. It would cause you to snort and giggle, unable to imagine what sort of things he’s done to warrant such a cliché label. Yet some of the girls your age, girls that have gone off to college agree with sultry looks and longing eyes that yes, Jungkook’s bad. So bad, it’s good. 

You haven’t a clue what he’s actually done to earn such a hushed title, his parents are lip-tight about his doings, unless it’s his achievements in the architecture graduate program. You hear things, though. Things that make you shamefully green with envy, envious of sin. 

As soon as he finds proper footing in the storage room, he goes to the closet, immediately finding his backup clothes. They’re plain white button-downs, awkward long shirts with no shape or definition to them. They belong to the church, and no one ever uses them because they’re stiff and itchy. Yet Jungkook wears them like it’s tailored, and you have to look away when he quickly knots the bottom half of the shirt, fashioning it into a tasteful double knot in order to cinch his lean waist.

“Pretty sure it was just you that saw me,” Jungkook says dismissively, “so it’s fine.” 

This bristles you the wrong way, and you put down the catering covers you were supposed to return to the storage room. You smooth out your Sunday dress, this shade of Boring Beige looking particularly pale in the morning sun. “How do you know I won’t tell?” you turn your nose up. 

“Because I know,” he doesn’t even look at you, focusing on rolling the sleeves of his shirt. You weaken when you see the black shadowing across his forearm. That’s new, then again you haven’t seen him since last Christmas.   

“Know what?” 

“That you have a crush on me,” Jungkook says into the air like it’s common knowledge, adjusting the leather jacket on top of his outfit so the white-startched collar pops on top, “I mean, it’s hard for anyone not to know. You’ve been into me since youth group, Bunny.”  

You hold your breath, counting to ten as you close the door behind you. A vision of you playing “Duck Duck Goose” as a five year old plays in your head, where you’d pick a bushy, big-eyed Jeon Jungkook each time, hopping over to him to pat his fluffy head so he’d chase you around. 

It’s old news, your puppy love for Jungkook. How could you not like him? He's clever and sweet with his mother and always told the best stories in youth group meetings.  Everyone thought your affections were so sweet, and while that attention weaned over time, your feelings have only increased the more self-aware you’ve become. 

With a mind as open and honest is yours, it’s hard to ignore how well Jungkook has grown. What has also grown is your curiosities since the two of you have moved onto university. Jungkook goes to the university uptown, a far drive which only forces him attend masses during the holidays. You attended the local community college, wrapping up a bachelors in some vague major that you’re not attached to. You’re currently looking around for some graduate schools, but unfortunately you’ve been so wrapped up doing duties for Pastor Nina that you haven’t been able to look around properly. 

Jungkook’s probably living a fun life, with the way he’s grown rough and loose, you resent him. 

When you turn back around, Jungkook’s right in front of you, trapping you between his body and the door.  

“Don’t be embarrassed, Bunny,” you furrow your brows, nearly growing cross-eyed when he leans in. “I think your crush is cute.” 

You’re not sure what he thinks of you. Sure, he considered everyone a friend when you two were in youth group, but that was youth group. Premeditated, parents forcing other children to do the same things with each other for years upon years in the hope they’ll practice together forever and ever. Jungkook did not want that, evident from the way he dipped his duties as soon as he got into university. 

You hate how easy he dips back into it though, calling you Bunny and making you feel like a little girl all over again. Bunny, because you’d hop around to him whenever he was in sight. Bunny, because Jungkook had been fondly compared to the wide-eyed, diamond-toothed creature. It was cute when you were five. Now, it’s just discomfiting. 

“Don’t call me that,” you bite, “and I don’t like you anymore.” 

“Sure you don’t,” he rolls his eyes, and you flinch when Jungkook’s hand rests on the curve of your waist, fingers slotting themselves between the pleats of your skirt. “That’s why you’re not moving away when I’m about to put my hand under your skirt. Because you don’t like me.” 

You press yourself further into the door, your skin hot and vibrating. So warm, you feel like you could melt through the door and escape from Jungkook’s gaze. Sure, the young ladies in the congregation talk. Maybe you’ve heard a story or two about Jungkook being seedy, a result of being repressed after years and years of stiff routines and expectations thrust upon him. You could care less about Jungkook’s sexual appetite, until this appetite has reached you. 

“Mm, you’re pretty,” Jungkook’s eyes roam your form, the daisy white blouse doing nothing to barricade Jungkook’s sudden interest in you, “you’ve never been touched like this, have you?” 

“I’ve touched myself like this,” you hiss in defense, and it’s more out of anger than in pleasure. You don’t need a man to comfort you, but Jungkook’s eyes sparkle in mirth at the new information. 

“That’s really sexy,” Jungkook slips down, roams his fingers down to your ankles and plays with the silver buckles of your Mary Janes. You shiver when his hands trail up up up to your knees, the swell of your thighs, and catch right under the elastic seam that holds your secrets together, “but I’ll have you know, it’s different when you have someone hold your pleasure in their hands.” 

You’re in the storage room of your church, fifteen minutes before the Christmas mass, with Jeon Jungkook’s head between your legs. Your skirt is long, and Jungkook doesn’t bother to ride it up your waist. 

It feels more forbidden that way, Jungkook hiding under the fabric of your skirt to get to your honeyed center, sneaking his way in with rough hands and soft touches.

“J-Jungkook,” you whimper, pressing your full spine against the wooden door, “we shouldn’t. N-not like this.”

What is wrong with you? Is it sheer curiosity? Do you just want to know what it finally, finally feels like? You should be pushing him away. There’s red lights flashing back and forth in your brain like sirens. Yet, do you really want to turn away the attention you’ve been aching for years? 

You imagined your first time to be relatively special. The bare minimum, a bed, a talk, and a partner you’re mutually committed to. None of those things are met. Now you understand why all the young women in church whisper about sex like this. It’s a spur of the moment, it’s an unbridled pleasure you don’t want to stop, no matter how forbidden and sinful the act is.  

“How else then?” you feel his deep voice straight through your panties, his lips whispering between the pink cotton like he’s sinking liquid heat into your skin. “I can’t sink my fingers into your sweet cunt during the candle lighting. Or when we open presents with the family after. That would be inappropriate.” 

Your replies come out in breaths, puffs of air that conceal the moans you so badly want to let out as Jungkook pokes and rubs at you. He does nothing beyond the cotton fabric, only slides two fingers up and down your slit as he gathers the arousal between his digits. 

“So wet already, that’s so sexy,” he’s kissing your core, and you sigh fretfully at the pleasure that feels so close yet so far away. 

“P-please, Jungkook…” 

“Please what?” Jungkook teases, fingers slipping back and forth between the elastic of your underwear, “please stop? Please touch me? Please fuck me?” 

The church bell answers that, and Jungkook’s nose knocks right into your bud at the sudden intrusion. You yelp at the jarring stimulation, pulling him from under your skirts as the loud noise echoes in the room. Both of you wince at the pain, the moment interjected. 

“You first,” Jungkook casually opens the door for you, as if he didn’t have you ten seconds away from begging him to make you come. 

You don’t even look at him as you dash away, not bothering to take the elevator in favor of running off the heat. Two minutes before the procession. The church is packed to the brim, only the back seats left. Your family probably gave up on waiting for you up in the front. As you sit down in the corner, you’re momentarily distracted by the beauty of a decorated church on Christmas. Even though you’re part of the decorating committee and commanded most of the design, seeing the stained glass lit up with fairy lights and the poinsettia plants blooming burgundy on the altar, you’re impressed. 

“There’s a draft here, you must be cold.” Jungkook talks to you so politely, a perfect picture of a gentleman as he drapes his leather jacket over your lap. He speaks as if it’s a pleasant surprise, a childhood friend he hasn’t seen in nearly a year. 

You can’t tell him to move when people are watching and Jungkook is seconds from interrupting the procession, so you reluctantly scoot over so he can sit next to you. His scent overwhelms you even more now that you’ll have to sit next to him for a whole hour, lavender and vanilla overtaking your pew. 

The jacket is heavy and heady on your lap, and you force yourself to stare straight ahead. Jungkook cannot weaken you like this, not anymore. 

Thirty minutes later, his fingers are hovering at the start of the homily, caressing your thighs under the jacket with his big hands. A draft? Please. You clamp your thighs together, knocking your knees and hoping they’d lock together for the rest of the mass. Jungkook’s a master key, easily parting his way as if your muscles are pure jelly. You turn your head sharply, glaring at him with all the fire in the world. 

“Careful,” Jungkook mouths, eyes flickering to the symbol atop the podium, “he’s watching.” 

His fingers finally brush the damp blush cotton of your panties, and you shudder. 

[nojey]

fans

dream x streamer!reader

genre: fluff, angst

word count: 2.4k

warning(s): cursing, failed relationship, throwing things out of anger

synopsis: (y/n) and dream met through a mutual friend and their own friendship begins to blossom on its own. they start talking more and more and the feelings they have for one another grows so much more than either of them imagined. but as they stream together, they realize how much hate they’ve started to get and rethink whether or not they should be together or not.

looking back on it, meeting dream was one of the best days of your life. that day, your friend, sapnap, had introduced you to one of his friends and from that day forward, a beautiful relationship bloomed. not a single one of either of your viewers knew you two had become friends and it was nice; keeping something to yourself from a whole community that knew almost everything about you. you both went from talking every once in a while, to every week, to every other day, to almost all day, everyday. you grew to know pretty much everything about each other, where he grew up, how his childhood was like, everything from his favorite color to what he feared the most. and as you got to know him more, your feelings for him just grew so much more than you had ever imagined. and you hoped he felt the same way about you.

when he asked you if you wanted to facetime, you were shocked. you guys were only ever either in a discord call, regular call, or texting. granted it had been about 7 months since you both became friends, but you didn’t need to know what he looks like. you like him for the person he is, how caring and attentive he is to his friends, how witty his personality is and how cocky and confident he is. you like him for the passion he has in his heart for the people and things he loves. you never had to see his face to know these things about him. but because you knew this was a big step in your friendship, you accepted. him even asking you to facetime meant so much to you. 

he called you with his phone facing the ceiling and you had propped up yours so your upper body was on full display. “clay, you know you don’t have to show me your face? if you’re not ready to, you don’t have to.” you told him. “i’m more than ready to show you what i look like, (y/n). you’re an important person in my life and i want to show you.” he replied. “okay.. if you’re really sure. i just hope you know that whatever you look like, it will not change my opinion of you.” you assured him. “i know, (y/n).” he chuckled. “which is how i know i’m ready to show you.” you smiled. your heart warmed knowing that he trusts you this much. “whenever you’re ready, clay.” you said. “close your eyes,” he said. you did what he asked of you and you heard shuffling. he let out a breath, grabbed his phone and propped it up so you could see his face. 

“you can open your eyes now.” he said. you slowly opened your eyes and your breath got caught in your throat as you fully saw him. “wow..” you whispered, still examining his face. “you’re really pretty, clay.” he started blushing and said, “stop staring, you’re just going to fall in love with me.” laughing a bit. you started blushing too and looked away. both your reasons for blushing may have been different, but you knew you were blushing because what he said was true. 

for the rest of the night you both stayed up until 3am talking about anything and everything, getting to know each other more than you already did.

the day you both streamed together was about 4 months later. the internet went crazy. your viewers and his had absolutely no idea you two had known each other but they saw the way you two talked to each other; they knew you sounded like you were talking to your soulmate. you didn’t have to watch what you said, you laughed out to your hearts content, you both teased each other in such a flirtatious manner that it didn’t take them long to start thinking you guys were in a relationship. 

but with the people who supported you, there were twice as many people who hated the idea of you two together. at first it was bearable, neither of you cared about the hate because you were happy with where you both were with each other. clay was confident that you felt the same way about him that he had for you. he fell in love with you and you knew you had fallen in love with him too. 

a few weeks after your first stream together, he asked you if you wanted to fly to florida to meet him in person and you immediately said yes. you started packing your bags and by next week, you were on your way to meet the guy of your dreams. 

when you landed, he was already there waiting for you and when you got to baggage claim you saw him and immediately recognized him. you ran up to him and gave him the tightest hug ever; you were finally in his arms. the height difference was evident and he had to lean down a bit to hug you but he felt so content with you being there, in his arms. 

“you’re really here..” he whispered. “i’m here, clay. i’m here.” you assured. tears started slowly falling down your face and you buried your face deeper into his chest, taking in the warmth that was filling you. clay started crying too, thinking how lucky he was to be able to hold you close to him.

the day after you flew in was the one year mark of you two becoming friends so you went out to celebrate. throughout the day you guys reminisced back to the nights you both stayed up till the sun rose just talking and created new memories as you adventured through orlando. when it was around 3pm clay drove you to the beach to witness the sunset and you arrived just when the sun was kissing the water. you looked around the beach and saw no one but a beautiful set up with roses on the sand. you looked at clay with a surprised expression, he smiled, took your hand and lead you to where the roses laid. he brought you to stand in the middle of it and took both your hands in his,

“(y/n), when sapnap introduced us i never knew you would be such an important person in my life and i couldn’t be more grateful for you. you have helped me through my darkest times, celebrated with me in my happiest, been patient with me when i was being insufferable, stood by me during the most boring days and acted like you were having a blast when it was only just us talking. you’ve shown me that i can let myself be who i am without caring what any other person had to say about me. there’s so many words that i can’t put together right now because that’s how you make me feel. you make me feel so nervous when i’m around you and all the words in my head just get mixed up and i never know what to say. but i do know that right now, i’m trying to ask you on a date. so (y/n), will you go on a date with me?” by the time he was done with his speech you were close to tears. “of course i’ll go on a date with you clay.”

the night of your date had been the most magical night of your life. in the day you both went to disneyworld and at night he brought you to a hill top to, once again, watch the sunset while you both ate dinner on the hood of the rental car he got. everything was so perfect, it was the best date you’ve ever went on. 

he was an absolute gentleman, not letting you pay for your things, opening the door for you, pulling you closer to him when someone got too close to you, treating you like you were a princess and you couldn’t have asked for a better guy to be with. 

after you both finished your dinner you just laid down on the hood of the car and stared at the stars, talking about a future you wish had come true. that night you shared a kiss that would be remembered through the horrid months to come.

the day you left orlando, you didn’t think it would be the last time you ever saw clay in person. when you got home you talked like normal, already speaking about a second date the next time either you or he visited. you both missed each other like crazy and you believed you would see each other very soon.

you streamed together more often and no one was blind to the smitten words you both shared, to the adoration dripping in your voices. so many people hated it and you never understood why, was it because they thought you weren’t good enough for him? because they were so protective over him? did they just hate you? so many questions filled your mind when your phone ringing brought you out of it. you reached for your phone and saw that clay wanted to facetime. you answered with a smile on your face, “hi clay!” but it soon dropped when you saw the solemn look that fell upon his. “is everything okay?” you asked. he sighed and said, “we need to talk.”

and everything fell apart.

the next words that came out of his mouth broke your heart. “i don’t think we should continue dating, or maybe even being friends.” you could feel the tears pricking your eyes as you looked around your room, trying to understand why this would come up all the sudden. “what do you mean?” you asked, slightly laughing hoping he was playing some sick joke on you. but when you kept looking at his serious face, you understood he wasn’t and your tears finally fell. he looked at you and his eyes glossed over. 

it hurt him knowing he was hurting you; the most important person in his life, the person he believed he would get married to and grow old with, the person he stayed up, losing sleep for just to get to know because you were worth that and a million more. 

“i know you see all the hate we’re getting. and that’s only us streaming together. what happens when they find out we went on a date or if we do start dating, what would the fans say?” he said, no longer looking at you through his screen. “why do you care about what they’ll say about us?” you whispered. “look at me, please.” he slowly looked back at the screen to see your face full of tears and that’s what finally broke him.

“our fans. they hate seeing us together, we can’t disappoint them. we can’t dissatisfy them. i know your fans mean the world to you and mine mean the world to me too.” he said, wiping his tears away, wishing he could just wipe yours, kiss your cheek and tell you everything would be okay. “but we can make it work, we won’t stream together as much or at all anymore. we can be like how we were before they knew we were friends! we can make it work clay..” you said. he started getting frustrated, just wanting this to be over with so he didn’t have to see you so hurt anymore.

“i can’t keep going on with my fans hating the relationship i’m in (y/n)! i can’t keep seeing my fans hate you because of me! i can’t keep making my fans mad at me because i have a stupid little crush on you!” he raised his voice. the last sentence hurting you more than anything. and he saw that in your facial expression, immediately regretting it. 

“no, (y/n). i- i didn’t mean it like tha-” you cut him off. “a stupid little crush? is that all i was to you clay? a stupid little crush? so what, that whole year we spent getting to know each other was you just having a stupid little crush on me? you asking me to fly to forida to meet you, was that you just having a stupid little crush on me? me actually flying all the way to florida to meet you, did you think i just had a stupid little crush on you? did you think me saying yes to going on a date with you was me just having a stupid little crush? what, did that date mean nothing to you? did that kiss mean nothing? did you not mean anything you said to me the night you asked me on that date? because i meant every single thing i said to you clay. you’ve impacted my life so much in such a good way, but i guess you didn’t feel the same way. was i just a joke? just someone to play with while you were bored?” you asked, not wanting to believe what he was saying. 

“no, that’s not what i meant.” he sighed. “then why can’t we work things out!? i don’t understand, clay. if you really did mean everything you told me on that beach then why aren’t you trying harder for us?” you asked, disappointment dripping through your voice. “because i just don’t think we’d work out okay!” he yelled at you. neither of you spoke, just looking at each other. he saw the nasty glare and look of hurt wash over your face. “that’s all you needed to tell me.” you whispered. 

you hung up and as soon as the call was disconnected you sobbed. you cried your eyes out. the guy you were in love with made you believe he wasn’t in love with you. you were absolutely devastated and you didn’t know if you’d ever be as happy as you were with him.

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in florida, sat a man with his phone clutched in his hands, tears streaming down his face that didn’t look like they would stop anytime soon. he whispered, “what have i done?” he screamed, he threw things, broke picture frames, punched the wall. but doing all those things would never bring you back to him.

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twitter

(y/n): hey everyone! i think i’m going to take a break from streaming and all social media for a few months. i don’t really want to go into detail right now but maybe if i come back i’ll explain everything. until then i hope all of you stay healthy and hopefully i come back eventually, i love you all :]

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authors note:

you guys!! there will be a part 2, send me an inbox or a message if you want to be on the tag list !!